The Flop House: Episode #99 - The Three Musketeers

Dan McCoy

[0:00] We discuss that classic work of swashbuckling, airships, and I guess kung fu, The Three Musketeers.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalin. Hey. Hey guys. Hey Dan. Hey yourself. Hey what's happening. Are we just meeting? Yeah. It's nice to see you. Yeah. Do we bump into each other on a podcast somehow? Yeah. Fancy meeting you here. Somebody's in somebody's eardrums. Fancy meeting you here in front of all of these microphones.

[0:59] It's not that fancy. I'm wearing a short-sleeved shirt. Hands are covered with chicken grease. Before we start the show tonight, we gotta address a Flophouse scandal. We gotta clear the air. Provide retraction, correction, and direction. Yeah. A lot of people pointed out that last episode, the Intime. And by a lot of people, a couple people. A couple people on the internets pointed out in the Intime episode.

[1:28] Intime. We mistakenly referred to Olivia Wilde as Justin Timberlake's girlfriend. And thereby the hamburger.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] No. Let's not bring back the hamburger steak analogy. No. Actually, I was gonna ask Stuart.

[1:41] Because that is an insult to all humanity. No. She was not his girlfriend. All humanity?

Dan McCoy

[1:47] She was not his girlfriend. She was his mother. She was actually his mother.

[1:49] Stuart, would you like to revise your hamburger steak analogy based on that? Go.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55] So, I guess in this case, as somebody's already pointed out, that would make somebody's mom to be a hamburger.

[2:01] And that your, I guess, girlfriend would be steak.

[2:04] Fair enough.

[2:04] Girlfriend being Amanda Seyfried.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] When before you were just judging the relative physical attractiveness of those two actresses.

[2:10] Their hotness or their notness, if you will.

[2:12] In the crudest possible manner.

[2:13] Yeah.

[2:15] In the least humane or human way.

[2:18] Stew-mane, yeah. I would probably...

[2:21] Now you go for some stew-mane. Stew-mane noodles?

Stuart Wellington

[2:24] You know what? This is, I think, a more complex question. I think I'm gonna have to take some time.

[2:29] Okay.

[2:30] We're gonna, after we're done recording this, we'll do a Flophouse Movie Minute.

[2:33] I don't know.

[2:34] About 10, 20 minutes where we, where I actually kind of talk about this outline.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] Yeah.

[2:39] Just two to three hours.

[2:40] So you get this...

[2:41] Just really get into it.

[2:42] Because you'll probably not be invited to speak at the TED conference.

[2:46] You'll have to give what your lecture would have been, which is hamburger steak.

[2:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:51] When a woman is a hamburger or a steak.

Stuart Wellington

[2:52] And the properties of different types of hamburger moms.

[2:56] Or steak girlfriends.

[2:58] Steak burger girlfriends.

[2:59] Steak girlfriends. All kinds.

[3:01] But I'd like...

Dan McCoy

[3:02] I mean, this is a flaw. I mean, like, you know, in our defense, this is what happens.

[3:06] In our defense, that movie was very dull.

[3:08] In our defense, this is what happens.

[3:10] When a movie, one of the tropes of the movie is that everyone's 25 years old, so they're all the same age.

[3:17] I think trope is the wrong word there.

[3:18] But, whatever.

[3:20] But also, yes, you know, we were talking when the movie started.

[3:25] One of the tripes of the movie.

[3:27] We do talk during a lot of these films.

Elliott Kalan

[3:30] This...

[3:30] I remember that one in particular, I had to ask you guys more than usual if you could shut up.

[3:35] Because I was having trouble hearing.

Dan McCoy

[3:37] Well, a lot of people got sassy on the internet about how we missed this plot point.

[3:42] And to them, I have to say, um...

[3:45] I think I was...

[3:46] Why are you expecting us to be good at our jobs?

[3:48] I mean, haven't you been listening to this?

[3:50] Like, this is not a...

[3:51] So you were kind of angry about it.

[3:52] No, no, I'm just like, this is...

[3:53] He was really pissed off.

[3:54] This is not a...

[3:55] Why do you even listen to this shit?

[3:56] No, no, no.

[3:57] I think it's...

[3:57] Look, I don't go down to where you listen to podcasts and slap the dick out of your ears.

[4:01] I think it's emblematic of a basic misunderstanding about the Flophouse.

[4:06] That we put any effort into it.

[4:08] Which is, this is a podcast about movies?

[4:13] It is.

[4:13] Rather than a podcast about three dudes saying gibberish at each other?

[4:19] Oh, there it is that, too.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:22] I'm surprised at people getting up in arms about a factual error.

Elliott Kalan

[4:26] I don't know that this really cuts to the heart of the Flophouse the way you feel it does.

[4:31] But I am both touched and impressed that we mean so much to people that they wanted to point out

[4:37] that we got it wrong.

[4:39] Because the worst reaction is indifference.

[4:42] The more you know.

Dan McCoy

[4:44] No, I think the worst reaction is people making fun of us on the internet.

[4:47] I think that's the worst reaction.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] Look, I've been made fun of on the internet.

[4:50] It's really easy to take.

[4:51] All the time.

[4:52] Constantly.

[4:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:54] Your genital size.

Elliott Kalan

[4:55] One of the regular comments that this podcast receives on message boards and things is how irritating my voice is.

[5:04] And I find that hilarious.

[5:07] All right.

[5:08] I have no...

[5:08] So if people make fun of us on the internet, it doesn't bother me that much.

[5:11] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:11] Fair enough.

[5:13] So...

[5:13] But then again, I have a heart of stone, so...

[5:15] So to sum up...

[5:16] Wait, people are making fun of us?

[5:18] Well, just you.

[5:19] Okay.

[5:20] To sum up for our fans...

[5:22] For our fans, to sum up, we love you...

[5:24] Yes.

[5:25] And fuck you.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] Yeah, well...

[5:27] But also we love you.

[5:28] We love you.

[5:29] You're perfect.

[5:29] Now change.

[5:30] Yeah.

[5:30] In the words of Broadway.

[5:33] Wait, no.

[5:33] We'll pay closer attention to the movies we watch starting next time.

Dan McCoy

[5:37] Because this time, it was very hard to.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:40] This time we watched a little movie called Les Trois Musketeers.

[5:46] Or in American...

[5:46] Was that Spanish?

[5:47] I don't even know what that is.

[5:48] Is that Japanese?

[5:48] The French...

[5:49] The Three Musketeers.

[5:51] The French Musketeers.

[5:53] The French Musketeers.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] In English, the title is The French Musketeers.

[5:58] Also, there's three of them.

[6:00] By the way, this is an American movie...

[6:01] That was made in English.

[6:03] Yeah.

[6:03] Shot in Bavaria, I believe.

[6:06] We watched the Three Musketeers 2011 version.

[6:09] Yep.

[6:09] Many films...

[6:10] By Paul W.S. Anderson.

[6:11] Not Paul Thomas Anderson or Paul Wes Anderson, who is...

[6:15] A real hit maker.

[6:17] Yeah.

[6:17] Yeah, he made a lot of big movies like, what, Resident Evil?

[6:20] He killed a lot of people is what you're thinking.

[6:21] What else did he do?

[6:22] Paul W.S. Anderson.

Dan McCoy

[6:23] Oh, he did the first Mortal Kombat movie, right?

[6:25] He did...

[6:26] Soldier, is that him?

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Yeah, Soldier was him.

[6:30] And Magnolia.

[6:31] There Will Be Blood.

[6:33] The Royal Tenenbaums.

[6:34] Paul W.S. Anderson, now Wes Anderson.

[6:37] He wrote Winesburg, Ohio.

[6:41] I don't even know what that reference is.

[6:42] Sherwood Anderson.

[6:43] Okay.

[6:44] Read a book sometime.

Stuart Wellington

[6:45] Come on.

[6:46] Possibly The Three Musketeers by Alexander Dumas.

Dan McCoy

[6:50] He's that gray-haired, probably gay anchorman.

[6:54] That's Anderson Cooper.

[6:56] Oh, oh.

[6:56] His hair's more white.

[6:57] That's what threw me off.

[6:59] That's what we're doing now, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:01] He's a Sean Connery movie about a bank robber trying to rob an apartment building.

[7:05] That's the Anderson tapes.

[7:07] Wow.

[7:07] Okay.

[7:08] It's a fun movie, too.

Stuart Wellington

[7:09] The Three Musketeers.

[7:10] Elliot.

[7:11] Okay.

[7:12] You usually pay attention to the movie the best.

[7:14] I tried to this time.

[7:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[7:15] Let's put it all on you this time.

[7:18] So if you fuck something up, it's just going to be your fault.

[7:20] Oh, who, me?

[7:21] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[7:21] This movie had more twists and turns than a...

Elliott Kalan

[7:23] Than a rattlesnake in a jigsaw puzzle.

[7:26] Exactly.

[7:27] Now, The Three Musketeers is, of course, based on the popular candy bar of the same name.

[7:32] And it just goes to show, like, they're...

[7:34] Who played Peanuts?

[7:36] Peanuts was played by...

[7:37] Hilary Swank.

[7:40] It was played by the music of Vince Guaraldi.

[7:42] Wow.

[7:44] Hilary Swank played Peanuts.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] And, of course...

[7:48] Always a laugh.

[7:49] Nougat was played by Armin Mueller-Stahl.

[7:55] And Chocolate was played by...

[7:59] Ray Files.

[7:59] The late Roy Scheider.

[8:03] So...

Stuart Wellington

[8:03] We're in 60s.

[8:04] Purely digital performance, I would imagine, right?

[8:06] Or was that actually an exhumed corpse?

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] No, no.

[8:08] He just...

[8:09] He shot it, actually, 30 years ago.

[8:10] Puppeteering.

[8:11] In case anyone ever made a movie of Three Musketeers.

[8:13] He wanted to be part of it.

[8:15] So he had it made in his spare time.

[8:16] And they just took it out.

[8:17] He just loved the material that much.

[8:18] He just loved the candy that much.

[8:20] So, it's 17th century France.

[8:22] Okay.

[8:23] Everyone's favorite place, favorite time.

[8:26] And we're introduced to a foursome of adventurers.

[8:30] The Three Musketeers, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis.

[8:34] And Mila Jovovich as M'Lady.

[8:37] Now, they're basically French ninjas who break into a place...

[8:40] Fringes.

[8:40] Fringes, if you will.

[8:42] Who, I think that's Lady Fringe fans.

[8:45] They're basically French secret agents in the 17th century.

[8:48] They all have their quirky personalities.

[8:51] One of them is a strong man.

[8:53] One of them is...

[8:54] Yeah, super religious.

[8:55] Super religious.

[8:56] And the other one is...

[8:57] A guy.

[8:58] Just a guy.

[8:59] He's the leader of the group.

[9:01] The Leonardo, if you will.

[9:02] The Leonardo, the Cyclops, the Dan McCoy.

[9:04] The boring one.

[9:06] The mummy, if you will, of the group.

[9:09] Wait, what?

[9:10] The mummy?

[9:11] They're in Venice, Italy.

[9:12] And they break into...

[9:13] The mummy, the leader of the monsters?

[9:15] No, but he's the most boring of them.

[9:16] Okay.

[9:17] The leader of the monsters is obviously Dracula.

[9:18] But he's super exciting.

[9:19] Dracula.

[9:21] What?

[9:22] So, anyway...

[9:23] Dracula.

[9:23] Yeah, let's leave your pronunciation of Dracula's name as if you were a recent Eastern European immigrant.

Dan McCoy

[9:32] It is hilarious.

[9:33] I grant you that, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[9:35] But let's move on with the...

[9:36] Yeah, you're breaking new comedy ground with your Dracula character.

[9:40] Right.

[9:41] But so, our musketeer friends and Mila Jovovich as my lady, they break into...

[9:46] Mia Jovovich.

Dan McCoy

[9:47] I know this because Mia Jovovich has pronounced her own name on cosmetics commercials recently.

[9:54] Did somebody put something in your drink?

[9:55] What's going on here?

[9:56] Well, whiskey.

[9:57] Someone put whiskey in your drink and that was me.

[10:00] Do you have like a lot of pixie sticks before the recording?

[10:03] Oh, did I?

Elliott Kalan

[10:04] Okay.

[10:05] Let me continue.

[10:06] Just don't say any more names.

[10:06] So far, I'm almost through the first two minutes of the movie.

[10:10] So, Venice, Italy.

[10:13] The three musketeers break into Leonardo da Vinci's secret vault.

[10:16] Wait, you got one for that Leonardo da Vinci?

Stuart Wellington

[10:19] Italy.

[10:22] That is, you are wasting our ears.

Elliott Kalan

[10:24] This is a waste of ear.

[10:27] And they steal the plans for some kind of floating airship Zeppelin type machine.

[10:32] Now, of course, to do that, they have to get past a bunch of booby traps.

[10:35] Because this is a movie set in the past, made nowadays.

[10:38] There's all sorts of steampunk shit.

[10:39] Slow motion.

[10:40] A lot of slow motion fighting and acrobatics.

Dan McCoy

[10:43] Mia Jovovich sliding around with her cleavage exposed.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] Yeah.

[10:47] And a lot of like, as you said, Stuart, like kind of wushu style fighting in medieval French fish markets.

[10:53] Yeah.

[10:55] So, they steal the airship, but then, bum, bum, bum, they've been betrayed by Mila Jovovich.

[11:01] And Orlando Bloom, as the Duke of Buckingham, their English nemesis, though everyone in the movie has an English accent, even if they're French.

[11:08] He looks like a rock and roll vampire.

[11:10] And Orlando Bloom looks like a rock and roll vampire and has the one hanging earring that all villains have in these movies.

[11:16] Drugs their wine to, I guess, put them to sleep for a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[11:19] He's a crypto gay man, I guess, is the thing.

[11:21] Like, that's, it's like from like a, an old movie.

[11:24] Is that like a gay man who loves puzzles?

Elliott Kalan

[11:26] Yeah.

[11:27] Is that like if Crypto the Superdog was a gay man?

Dan McCoy

[11:30] No, I'm just saying like, it's, it's, it's, it's like in an older movie where they're like coded.

[11:34] It's like, yeah, so like.

[11:35] This is why you don't like this guy because he's effeminate.

Elliott Kalan

[11:38] So like the critic characters in Laura or all about you.

[11:41] Right, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[11:42] And he likes puzzles.

[11:44] And he likes puzzles.

[11:45] Maybe, mainly Sudoku.

[11:48] But go on.

[11:49] What?

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] Thanks, Stuart.

[11:52] I just needed some punctuation to separate me from Dan's incredibly stupid remark.

[11:56] For the editing later.

[11:57] Yeah.

[11:59] So, so the airship plans get stolen by England.

[12:02] Now it's one year later and a young man, D'Artagnan, who's kind of a fourth rate Shia LaBeouf character.

[12:09] He's really irritating and very, very cocksure.

[12:12] Like a third rate Zac Efron.

[12:14] And unlikable.

[12:15] Yeah.

[12:15] Zac Efron.

[12:17] See, I can do it.

[12:18] I'm in.

[12:18] Zac Efron.

[12:19] He's like a second rate Nora Efron.

[12:21] He, he, his father teaches him how to sword fight.

[12:25] His father's an ex-musketeer.

[12:27] And he says, you should go to Paris and be a musketeer.

[12:29] So D'Artagnan rides into Paris.

[12:32] Three days later, he reaches Paris.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] The scene is basically the exact same as if he was going to college.

[12:38] Like, I think they just cribbed it from any, any like college buddy comedy where this character is about to go party hard and get laid all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] Well, from the famous college movie, The Three Fratsketeers.

[12:52] But his dad tells him, make mistakes, have adventures, fall in love, get in trouble.

[12:58] And it's like, it's terrible advice.

[13:00] It's just bad advice.

Stuart Wellington

[13:01] You just gave him a sword and told him to do that.

[13:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:04] So neither a borrower nor lender be, to thine own self be true.

[13:10] This is, this is the sort of advice that a young musketeer should get.

[13:13] Yeah, sure.

[13:14] From say, from say, from say, from say Polonius.

[13:19] Someone who might get stabbed behind a curtain later on.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] Someone who, hiding behind a curtain, will get stabbed, thus making them goofy.

[13:27] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[13:27] Someone whose advice actually should be, will be undercut by everything else about that character.

Elliott Kalan

[13:32] Yeah, so we watched Hamlet and so he goes to Paris and proceeds to get into a lot of trouble and irritate all three of the musketeers who challenge him to a duel.

[13:44] But then their duel is interrupted by the guardsmen who work for the cardinal, Cardinal Richelieu, right?

[13:51] Richelieu.

[13:52] Best known from history.

[13:55] Or those Monty Python.

[13:57] Yeah, where Michael Palin would play Cardinal Richelieu with that weird accent.

[14:00] Yep.

[14:00] Where they go, we, instead of we.

[14:03] I did that thing, yeah.

[14:05] So they say.

[14:06] Well, that's actually, they used, wait, they had silly accents on Monty Python.

[14:09] Yes, they did.

Dan McCoy

[14:10] People do say, we, though, in France.

[14:12] But the way he says it is.

[14:13] That's like our equivalent of, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:14] But the way he says it is particularly good.

[14:16] No, it is funny.

[14:18] I'll give that to Michael Palin.

[14:20] Okay.

[14:20] And in the fight with the guardsmen in which they kill a lot of people.

[14:24] Like the musketeers.

[14:24] Well, they team up.

Stuart Wellington

[14:25] Like, initially they're going to kill this kid because he's an asshole.

[14:27] It's like a marble team up.

Elliott Kalan

[14:28] Well, this kid's beating all these dudes to death.

Stuart Wellington

[14:31] Like, he's killing all these guys.

[14:32] Well, we help them out.

[14:32] Let's join in.

[14:33] Help them kill these people.

[14:34] And then the leader of the guards, played by one-eyed Mads Mikkelsen.

[14:37] Mads Mikkelsen.

[14:38] And then the leader of the guards is like, hmm, just kill them.

[14:39] And then he leaves.

[14:40] Like, no, they're losing already.

Elliott Kalan

[14:42] Oh, I forgot that D'Artagnan has already run afoul of Mads Mikkelsen earlier in a scene that was cribbed from A Fistful of Dollars.

[14:49] Yeah.

[14:50] Where D'Artagnan tries to make Mads Mikkelsen apologize to D'Artagnan's horse for insulting it.

[14:56] But instead he gets his ass kicked by Mads Mikkelsen.

[14:58] Well, a bullet, basically.

[15:00] And by being shot.

Dan McCoy

[15:01] He shoots him when D'Artagnan pulls out a sword in a scene crib from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[15:04] Hey, never bring a sword to a gunfight.

[15:06] So, there you go.

[15:07] It's the old double crib.

Elliott Kalan

[15:09] Yeah, double crib in one scene.

Dan McCoy

[15:11] You gotta double crib that thing for the baby's safety.

[15:15] You gotta double crib it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] What, in case there's an oil spill?

[15:18] Yeah.

[15:19] In the baby?

[15:20] Yep.

[15:21] So, the three musketeers team up with D'Artagnan.

[15:25] It's pretty clear.

Stuart Wellington

[15:26] No, it's if he gets out of one crib.

Elliott Kalan

[15:27] Yeah.

[15:28] You need to have that second wall of the fence.

[15:29] There's a second layer of crib.

Dan McCoy

[15:30] What if he gets out of the second crib?

[15:32] Well, no one could foresee that.

[15:34] That's never happened.

Elliott Kalan

[15:35] Never.

[15:36] Really.

[15:37] In the history of babies.

[15:38] What is so different about the second crib that it's so much harder to get out of?

[15:41] It's a laser crib.

[15:41] Does it have snakes in it?

[15:43] Yeah, well.

[15:43] Is it 100 feet high?

Stuart Wellington

[15:45] Yes.

[15:46] The second crib is planet Earth.

[15:49] Whoa.

[15:50] Think about that.

[15:51] So, it's a space baby?

[15:54] I'm not saying it isn't a space baby.

[15:56] I'm a little confused.

[15:56] This is a baby in a space zoo.

[15:58] Like aliens.

[15:59] I think it's really telling of Elliot that he assumed that this wasn't a space baby.

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:03] I think it is telling of me.

[16:05] Racist.

Stuart Wellington

[16:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] No.

[16:07] Racism is really what it says about me.

[16:09] Spacism.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:11] Maybe spacism at best.

[16:13] So, Three Musketeers?

[16:14] Is that where we're at?

[16:15] Anyway, I'll make a long story short.

[16:17] There's the Cardinal and Milo Jovovich are plotting with the Duke of Buckingham to overthrow the

[16:23] French king through the elaborate plot that involves the stealing of a necklace.

[16:27] Yeah.

[16:27] It's really dumb.

Dan McCoy

[16:29] Which is actually like not a million miles away from the original story.

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] Except the original story has to deal with trying to ruin the honor of an aristocrat.

[16:38] Whereas this has to do with the fight over plans for magic airships that shoot cannons

[16:42] in flame.

[16:43] True.

[16:44] Which are also both the best and worst thing about the movie, which we can talk about at

[16:47] some point.

[16:48] But there are a lot of very long scenes of the villains plotting with each other that

[16:52] break up the action scenes interminably.

[16:55] The Musketeers go to France.

[16:56] The Musketeers come back.

[16:58] There's an airship battle.

[16:59] There's a very long sword fight between Mad About Mads Mikkelsen and Shia, Zach Erifin

[17:06] guy.

[17:09] D'Artagnan.

[17:09] D'Artagnan!

[17:11] And there's a girl that D'Artagnan's in love with and they kiss or whatever.

[17:16] She's really blonde.

Dan McCoy

[17:16] She turns out to be one of the ladies in waiting to the Queen of Austria.

[17:21] Oh, man.

[17:22] It's really...

[17:23] So much court intrigue.

Elliott Kalan

[17:24] Yeah.

[17:24] There's a lot of twists and turns that are all equally boring.

Stuart Wellington

[17:27] There's a weird chunk in the middle where it's just the Musketeers kind of following

[17:31] around the King of England or King of France and he's wearing this really weird hat.

[17:36] Understandable.

[17:37] It's really weird hat.

Dan McCoy

[17:37] Understandable error because, as you said, everyone has an English accent even though

[17:42] this is in France.

[17:42] Everyone has an English accent other than Mia Jovovich who has an American accent and Christophe

[17:47] Waltz who has his Christophe Waltz accent.

[17:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:49] Christophe Waltz plays Cardinal Richelieu and it's maybe...

[17:52] If you saw...

Dan McCoy

[17:53] The most Germanic Cardinal Richelieu.

Elliott Kalan

[17:55] But if you saw Glorious Bastards and I'm sure you did, I'm sure one of the things that

[17:59] struck you as it struck me was I've never seen this guy before in anything but he's amazing.

[18:04] Like this guy is fantastic in every scene.

[18:07] Christophe Waltz.

[18:08] He's great.

[18:08] He should be in so many more movies.

[18:10] Like he's fantastic.

[18:11] And then you see this...

[18:12] Movies like the Green Hornet.

[18:13] Movies like the Green Hornet and the Three Musketeers.

[18:15] And you see the Three Musketeers and you're like, this is the worst actor I think I've

[18:18] ever seen in my life.

[18:19] He's really bad.

[18:21] He's like sleepwalking through the entire role.

[18:23] Whereas Orlando Bloom is chewing up the scenery and spitting it out.

[18:28] Orlando Bloom...

[18:29] Who put a nickel in that guy?

[18:32] It's like every scene...

[18:33] It's like no one thought I could do it but I can.

[18:35] Check it out.

[18:36] Check me out.

[18:37] Orlando Bloom seems to think that he is the star of the movie and is just like cutting

[18:42] loose.

[18:43] It's an Orlando Bloom we've never seen before.

Dan McCoy

[18:45] You put a pompadour on Orlando Bloom.

[18:47] Apparently he becomes 20 times more interesting.

[18:50] Yeah.

[18:50] He was great.

Elliott Kalan

[18:52] He has a goatee and it's almost enough to make me think that Orlando Bloom's evil twin filled

[18:57] in for him and was just like, well, an actor I shall be.

Dan McCoy

[19:02] The clay is the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[19:04] Time to ruin his reputation.

[19:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:07] By overacting.

[19:09] So the main plot of this movie is about trying to steal a necklace and plant some love letters

[19:16] so as to ruin the budding romance between the king of France and the queen of Austria.

Elliott Kalan

[19:21] And I'm not sure how that helps England since in the end the true power seems to belong to

[19:28] the people with airships and I don't know how breaking up this relationship affects who

[19:32] controls the airships.

Dan McCoy

[19:33] Well, I...

[19:34] I guess what it is is that...

[19:35] They lose faith in the king is what they said and then Cardinal Richelieu swoops in and takes

[19:39] over.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] Wait, but they lose faith in the king for being cuckolded?

[19:43] Like, that's not really how royalty works.

Stuart Wellington

[19:46] Yeah.

[19:47] It would just mean that, like, he would kill the queen of Austria or whatever.

[19:52] He'd find a new girl.

Elliott Kalan

[19:52] Like, if he's the king of France, he's probably banging, like, 18 broads.

[19:55] Hey!

[19:55] Oh!

[19:56] I mean, he's a stallion.

[19:57] As I was saying that, I was confused by...

[20:00] Oh, and the French king in the movie is a dandy.

[20:02] Like, he's a dandy-ish guy who only cares about his clothes.

Dan McCoy

[20:05] Well, also, at the beginning of this movie, the Duke of Buckingham reveals himself as

[20:10] the bad guy, and then later on, he's, like, traipsing around, hanging out with the king

[20:15] of France, and the musketeers are never like, hey, this fucker's the guy who stole the airship

[20:19] from us at the beginning of the movie.

[20:20] He probably has diplomatic immunity.

Elliott Kalan

[20:22] Yeah.

[20:22] So what they need to say was, your diplomatic immunity is about to be revoked, and then shoot

[20:27] him.

[20:28] Yeah.

[20:28] Case closed.

Stuart Wellington

[20:29] I'm glad they're giving him warning.

[20:31] Yeah.

[20:32] Like, so he can make plans.

Elliott Kalan

[20:33] Otherwise...

[20:34] Yes.

[20:36] Like, so if you want to get a lawyer, that's okay.

[20:39] Bang!

[20:39] Mm-hmm.

[20:40] I guess what really happened is that they took The Three Musketeers, a solid story that

[20:46] has survived many film adaptations, it's been around for 150 years, and decided to fill

[20:52] it with a bunch of steampunk spy nonsense, and that warped and twisted and distorted the

[20:58] story, so that things that were of paramount importance in the original story seem trivial,

[21:04] when it's like if you set...

[21:06] It's like if you tried to set the story during World War II, and it was like, we've got to

[21:12] get those letters and the necklace back, or the atomic bomb might be dropped on us, and

[21:18] then they're dropping atomic bombs on each other.

[21:20] Well, yeah.

[21:20] It's like, well, the necklace and the letters really didn't have...

[21:22] It really didn't mean very much, did they?

[21:24] Why don't you introduce airships?

[21:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] Is it going to deflect it?

[21:26] After airships are involved, you're not going to care about where some jewelry is.

Elliott Kalan

[21:30] And it's one of the things where it's like, if the movie had only chosen to be either faithful

[21:34] to the story, or totally over-the-top stupid and bombastic, it could have been a lot of

[21:38] fun, because by the end, when the villain airship arrives, and it's got this huge...

[21:43] It's...

[21:44] The figurehead on the front is literally like a grim reaper with a cross and a bishop's

[21:49] hat, and...

Dan McCoy

[21:50] With busty d'artagnons love interest strapped to it.

[21:54] Strapped to it.

[21:54] It's like an awesome album cover.

Elliott Kalan

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:56] It's like a heavy metal album cover.

[21:58] Come to life.

[21:59] Like, if the movie lived up to that one shot, it would be a very fun movie.

[22:03] But instead, it's like these long stretches of dialogue where you can't...

[22:08] It's really boring.

[22:09] It's supposed to be like faux-witty, but it's not witty at all.

[22:13] Mila Jovovich has a lot of screen time for a character who is not very important to the

[22:16] plot when it comes down to it.

Dan McCoy

[22:18] Yeah, one of the things that I hated in terms of the like...

[22:22] In terms of endearment?

[22:23] In terms of like the weird updating of this movie was the...

[22:26] It brought the whole movie down.

[22:28] Was a scene where Mila Jovovich was playing the cat burglar character, like trying to steal

[22:35] the necklace in the first place.

[22:36] And they're like, okay, we can't have lasers back at this time.

[22:41] So what we're going to do is she's going to like throw her ribbon out in the air.

[22:45] And instead of being cut apart by lasers, it's going to be cut apart by razor sharp wires

[22:50] Yeah, there's like garot wire all over.

[22:52] That are strung up like lasers.

[22:52] And she's still going to have to do that stupid fucking thing that happens in movies nowadays

[22:56] where she acrobatics her way through the wires.

Elliott Kalan

[23:00] Does some capoeira and dances through the wall?

[23:03] I don't think it was capoeira.

[23:04] It was more like one leap.

[23:06] Yeah.

[23:06] But it's also like there's this long cat burglar sequence where she's like fighting guys and

[23:11] sneaking through passages.

[23:13] And it's like it feels like they tried to oceans 11 up three musketeers.

[23:18] Like they had very little faith in the material.

[23:20] So they're like, let's put some like, let's put some sneaky spy robbery scenes in this.

[23:26] You know, it was, they, I don't know.

[23:28] Yeah.

[23:29] And I mean, it was all, it was all very unnecessary.

Stuart Wellington

[23:31] We've already brought up that the guy who made the movie is married to Mia Jovovich.

[23:36] Yeah.

[23:37] Miovovich, whatever.

[23:38] So yeah.

[23:39] Milaj Ovovich.

[23:40] She's going to put her in the movie a shitload.

[23:42] Yeah.

[23:43] Or else when they get home, she's going to be mean to him.

[23:47] Wow.

[23:48] That's what I assume married life is like.

Elliott Kalan

[23:50] You're married.

[23:51] Like you should know what married life is like.

[23:53] Still, still learning.

Dan McCoy

[23:54] Still gets all his information from the Lockhorns.

[23:56] Yep.

[23:57] From Andy Cap.

[24:01] That man has a, has a rolling pin hovering behind his head at all times.

[24:05] I just imagine Stuart coming home now with a cap over his eyes when, ah, love, ah, I didn't

Elliott Kalan

[24:10] mean to stay at the pub all night, love.

[24:12] Selling hot fries, doing all kinds of shit.

Stuart Wellington

[24:15] So you think Andy Cap is a hot fry salesman?

[24:18] Oh yeah.

[24:19] Well, he's, he's both a spokesperson.

Elliott Kalan

[24:21] So he walks through the streets of London going, hot fries, hot fries, get your hot fries.

[24:26] I mean, he almost doesn't even have to say it anymore because people recognize him from

[24:29] the packaging.

[24:29] Well, that's what I'm wondering.

Dan McCoy

[24:30] In that universe, how is he, how is he famous enough that he puts himself on the packaging?

[24:34] Oh, well, because it's his company.

[24:35] Yeah.

[24:35] But I, it seems like a, it's like recursive.

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] When Henry Ford named his company Ford, it's not like people were like, oh yeah, Ford should

[24:42] use that name because he's famous.

[24:44] You get famous from putting your name on the bag.

Stuart Wellington

[24:46] Now are you arguing that he's not like, that he doesn't show the wealth of being a popular

[24:50] hot fry salesman?

[24:51] I don't think he's that wealthy from the hot fries.

[24:53] And then he gets by.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] I mean, I think.

[24:54] Hot fries are pretty expensive to make.

[24:56] He also spends a lot of money on booze.

[24:58] The profit margin.

[24:58] He spends all his money on pints down to the pub.

[25:00] The profit margin is razor thin and that all goes into drink.

[25:04] Yeah.

[25:04] No wonder his wife is mad at him all the time.

Stuart Wellington

[25:06] Because, I mean, I don't know if you guys have tasted hot fries, but they use only the

[25:10] finest ingredients.

[25:11] The margin is really, really low.

Elliott Kalan

[25:12] Yeah, it's organic and artisanal.

[25:15] Those handicap hot fries.

[25:17] That's why they sell them in vending machines.

Dan McCoy

[25:20] They use only the finest hot when making those.

Elliott Kalan

[25:23] The finest hot and the purest bread fry.

[25:26] Only free range pure bread fry.

Stuart Wellington

[25:29] There's a lot of giant models in this movie.

[25:32] In handicap's hot fries?

[25:33] No, in the movie we watched.

[25:35] You mean like Tyra Banks?

[25:37] No, no, like, wait, she's giant?

[25:39] She's like 30 feet tall.

[25:41] Okay.

[25:43] Statuesque is the word you're looking for.

Elliott Kalan

[25:44] Yeah, she's a statue.

Stuart Wellington

[25:46] Well, there's a lot of small statues in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] One of the things I liked about it was when they segue between locations.

[25:52] They don't do it enough.

[25:53] They would turn into like a model map with model cities and the camera would zoom over.

Dan McCoy

[25:58] Yeah, it was like a 3D version of an old-timey map.

[26:02] Yeah, or like a risk board.

Stuart Wellington

[26:03] Well, they did that early on and then they stopped doing it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:06] Yeah, and I don't know why they stopped.

[26:07] Well, they didn't go to many other countries after, you know.

[26:10] Just England.

[26:11] Okay, sorry.

[26:14] I mean, that's one.

[26:16] That's not many.

Dan McCoy

[26:18] One thing I liked about this movie is how well-defined all the different characters were.

[26:23] I mean...

[26:23] Well, they all had one personality trait.

[26:24] I detect sarcasm there, Dan.

[26:27] You have a finely tuned ear, Stuart, because I was intending...

[26:31] I could be a musketeer, I think.

[26:32] ...complete sinterity.

[26:33] Musketeer?

[26:34] Now that you say it, it does seem that Athos, what was he known for?

[26:41] He was either...

[26:42] Is he the religious one or is he the boss?

[26:44] He's the boss.

[26:45] He's the leader.

[26:45] He's the boss.

[26:45] He's the leader.

[26:46] He has no...

[26:46] If you ask who's the boss, you'd say he's the boss.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] So he's like generally dour and sober-minded and glum.

[26:53] So he's the Dan.

Dan McCoy

[26:53] Porthos was the muscular...

[26:57] Kind of awesome one.

[26:58] Yeah, the lover of life, the Stuart.

[27:00] That's the Stuart.

[27:01] And Aramis was the religious one.

[27:03] So me, obviously.

Stuart Wellington

[27:05] I'm thinking you're more of a D'Artagnan.

Elliott Kalan

[27:07] And D'Artagnan was the irritating one.

[27:08] I'm the cocky young asshole that nobody likes.

Dan McCoy

[27:11] Irritates everybody.

[27:12] The guy who comes into town, pisses off the three musketeers, and then...

[27:17] Sounds right.

[27:17] ...somehow worms his way into their affections.

[27:20] Yeah.

[27:20] By virtue of being less evil than the evil people.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] And bags the busty broad.

[27:25] So it is me, I guess.

[27:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:27] Yeah, that was great.

[27:28] I love how at the very end of the movie, the guy who D'Artagnan picked a fight with,

[27:33] played by Mads Mikkelsen, they're getting in this sword fight and...

[27:38] You may know him as Citrone from Flame and Citrone.

[27:40] Yeah, or One Eye from...

[27:40] The most expensive movie in Danish history.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] And the three of us...

[27:44] Or One Eye from The Three Musketeers.

[27:47] You may know him from The Three Musketeers.

Stuart Wellington

[27:50] You played Rockford from The Cheese Scorchers.

Dan McCoy

[27:52] You know him as Bleedyface from Casino Royale.

Stuart Wellington

[27:55] Le Chiffre.

[27:55] Yeah, Bleedyface.

[27:57] So, and the three of us the whole time were kind of rooting for the villain to...

[28:01] Because he was way better.

[28:02] Yeah.

[28:03] You have this...

Elliott Kalan

[28:04] An eye patch.

[28:04] An eye patch, a ponytail.

[28:07] He was not irritating as shit.

[28:09] Like, he was way better.

[28:10] He kind of just shut up and did his thing.

[28:12] I gotta assume he designs that airship with that bitching mast.

[28:15] Yeah.

[28:16] Or bitching figurehead.

Stuart Wellington

[28:17] Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming he insisted on that.

[28:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Like, I assume he sketched it in the margin of his math notebook.

[28:22] Then he showed it to the engineers and he said, put this on the front.

[28:27] Put this on the front and tie a babe to it.

[28:29] Well, he didn't say that.

Stuart Wellington

[28:30] He had to wait for them to stop oohing and aahing over it.

Elliott Kalan

[28:33] It's like, yeah, it's whatever.

[28:35] It's nothing.

[28:35] I just scribbled it out.

[28:36] Whatever.

[28:37] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[28:37] You're a really good drawer.

Elliott Kalan

[28:38] No, no.

[28:39] I'm alright.

[28:40] It's all about shading.

Dan McCoy

[28:42] Can you draw or something on the front of my notebook?

Elliott Kalan

[28:46] Yeah, yeah.

[28:46] How about, you know, like a motorcycle driven by a skeleton?

[28:50] Oh, that'd be awesome.

[28:52] I forgot to mention the ending of the movie.

[28:54] Orlando Bloom disappears for roughly 100 hours of the film.

[28:58] And then at the very end, Mila Jovovich has been, she tried to sneak away and escape.

[29:04] She was captured by the Three Musketeers.

[29:06] And then she jumped overboard off of their airship over the ocean.

[29:09] She's surely dead.

[29:10] A couple hundred feet.

[29:11] Yeah, at least.

[29:12] Into the icy waters of whatever, the English Channel.

[29:17] At the very end of the movie, she wakes up.

[29:20] Orlando Bloom has rescued her from the English Channel.

[29:23] And he says, we're going back to France to get what's mine.

[29:26] And you pull back.

[29:27] They're in a fleet of ships, an armada.

[29:29] You pull back even further.

[29:31] They've got an armada of airships floating above them.

[29:33] Which begs the question, why the shit does he care about those other two airships if there's like 100 airships that he has?

Stuart Wellington

[29:39] He wants D'Artagnan back.

[29:42] Oh, did he fall in love with D'Artagnan?

Elliott Kalan

[29:43] Yes.

[29:44] Oh, okay.

[29:45] So the whole thing is to show a force to get him back.

[29:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[29:48] We haven't mentioned now, there's a fourth Musketeer character, not an official Musketeer, who is a...

[29:53] I mean, wouldn't he be the fifth Musketeer at this point?

[29:55] Well, once D'Artagnan comes and he bumps him down to five.

[29:57] Okay.

[29:57] He is a fat guy who takes care of the Musketeers, is their housekeeper and cook,

[30:02] and Stewart and Butler, and they treat him like garbage.

[30:07] Yeah.

[30:07] And they're mean to him for no reason.

[30:10] All he wants to do is be their friend and help them out.

[30:12] They do nothing but shit all over him.

Dan McCoy

[30:14] He's kind of a Philip Seymour Hoffman in Twister character.

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] Or a Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights character.

[30:21] Yeah.

[30:22] Or a Philip Seymour Hoffman in Magnolia character.

Dan McCoy

[30:24] An early Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[30:26] Not a late period Philip Seymour Hoffman.

Elliott Kalan

[30:27] But it's one of those things where like, if he was really clumsy, or like a big buffoon, you could almost understand it.

[30:32] But he's not.

[30:33] He just happens to be fat.

[30:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:34] He seems to be a fairly capable guy.

[30:36] He takes a key role in kidnapping Mia Jovovich later in the film.

Stuart Wellington

[30:41] And if this were a wushu kung fu movie, his character would be called Fatty or Fatso, and they would treat him the exact same way.

[30:51] Yes.

[30:51] So he would be oddly fitting in that case.

Elliott Kalan

[30:53] Except that there, it would be so ridiculously over the top.

[30:58] Because he would be a fat and clumsy and stupid.

[31:00] He would be super clumsy, super.

[31:02] And there, in that kind of movie, the question is always, why do they keep this idiot around?

[31:06] Since all he does is screw things up.

[31:07] Whereas Three Musketeers, he literally takes care of them all the time.

[31:11] He's like the Alice from the Brady Bunch to their Three Musketeers.

[31:14] He does not make any mistakes or errors.

[31:16] Never.

[31:17] Except he's like kind of loud when he talks sometimes.

[31:20] And at one point he's airsick while he's on an airship.

[31:23] He's literally one of maybe the first seven people to ever have been on an airship.

[31:27] True.

[31:27] There's no way to prepare him for this experience.

[31:29] And he goes, I hate air travel.

[31:31] Which is the dumbest line.

[31:33] Because he should still be in awe of the fact that he is hundreds of feet above the ground.

[31:38] Yes.

[31:38] Floating through the air like a bird.

[31:39] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[31:40] I mean, I've had new experiences where I go from awe to dislike very quickly.

Elliott Kalan

[31:44] But you're a glum bastard.

[31:46] Yeah, sure.

[31:48] But it's one of those things where to build up, it never helps build up a group of heroes

[31:52] if you give them a fat guy that they taunt for the entire movie for no reason.

[31:57] Well, to make them look like bullies.

[32:00] Okay.

[32:01] Like cocksure bully assholes.

Dan McCoy

[32:02] I mean, it's a taunting-based friendship on all sides, though.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] But like they taunt, when the musculars taunt each other, it's like,

[32:08] Oh-ho, well, let's fence if you think you have the guts.

[32:12] Oh-ho, no, you're the one who will be soiling his britches this time.

[32:16] Like, they know that they have a mutual respect for each other, so it's okay.

[32:20] But they have no respect for fatso.

[32:22] Like, they're just mean to him.

[32:23] The undercurrent of every insult is, you suck.

[32:26] You're so lucky we let you hang around with us.

[32:29] Mm-hmm.

[32:29] And clean up our fucking shit.

[32:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:32] Like, oh, fatty, you're the fattest.

Elliott Kalan

[32:36] But it's just, it makes the character seem like bullies.

[32:39] D'Artagnan's an asshole.

[32:40] He gets the last line of the movie, I think.

[32:42] He does.

[32:43] Well, that's the other thing is the-

Dan McCoy

[32:45] While carrying food on both shoulders.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] Before the to-be-continued scene that sets up the movie for a sequel.

[32:49] He likes food.

[32:51] How do you think it got that way, Dan?

[32:54] That's logic.

[32:55] The musketeers say, all for one and one for all.

[32:58] Their classic motto, movie should end right there.

[33:01] Instead, it holds on them for a second.

[33:03] And then Fatty walks up and starts talking.

[33:05] And they all walk away in disgust.

[33:08] And Fatty, like-

[33:10] Fatty, you ruined the end of the movie.

[33:12] And that's the end of the movie.

[33:13] Good work.

[33:15] The end of the movie is not this heroic image of solidarity among heroes.

[33:18] It is Fatty making them all mad for some reason.

[33:22] And then he wanders off with, like, a giant fish on his arm.

[33:25] Because he's about to eat it, I guess.

[33:28] Well, it doesn't need to be prepared.

[33:29] It's a fish.

[33:29] It's like Heathcliff.

[33:30] He's just going to dip it into his mouth and pull out a skeleton with a head on it.

Dan McCoy

[33:36] Look, he's got a real joie de vivre.

Elliott Kalan

[33:39] He enjoys life.

[33:40] This is also after the-

[33:42] Richelieu is behind the whole plot.

[33:44] But the musketeers, in order to free themselves from, I guess, getting in trouble, make it look like Richelieu was behind the uncovering of the evil plot.

[33:52] So the movie ends with our heroes, the musketeers, aiding the cause of an evil man and then making fun of a fat guy.

Stuart Wellington

[34:00] Yeah.

[34:00] An evil man who gives a final threatening speech to them while holding up his skirts with one hand.

[34:06] Because he's wearing cardinal robes.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:09] Well.

[34:10] So intimidating.

Elliott Kalan

[34:11] A classic of literature.

[34:12] Yeah.

[34:13] I don't think we got across how boring most of the movie is.

[34:15] It's super boring.

Stuart Wellington

[34:17] There's a lot of people talking about their motives and talking about stealing jewelry and it doesn't really matter.

Elliott Kalan

[34:24] Everyone explains what they're going to do in elaborate detail.

[34:28] Then they do it and then they explain to everybody what they just did.

[34:31] It is ridiculous.

Dan McCoy

[34:33] I think it's time to render our final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[34:37] Also, I would just mention this was one of Quentin Tarantino's top ten movies of the year, according to his list.

Dan McCoy

[34:42] Yeah, I think that that's loyalty to Christoph Waltz and nothing else.

[34:46] Green Hornet wasn't on the list.

[34:48] I think he liked Green Hornet.

[34:50] Maybe it wasn't on the top list, but anyway.

[34:53] It was in a private conversation between me and Quint.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] And Quint.

[34:57] You call him Quint?

[34:59] You don't call him Tintar?

[35:00] No, he likes it.

[35:01] He likes it because he's such a Jaws fan.

[35:05] Hey, that's my friend Tino.

[35:08] Quintino.

Dan McCoy

[35:08] Was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked?

[35:12] Elliot, I'm going to go to you.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] I would call this a bad, bad movie that could have been a good, bad movie.

[35:18] There are some scenes in it that are ridiculously silly and show an over-the-top style that could have been dumb and a lot of fun,

[35:26] but instead it just got bogged down and boring.

[35:29] So it's a bad, bad movie, but it had potential that was lost, I would say.

[35:35] Stu, what do you say?

Stuart Wellington

[35:36] Yeah, I'm going to agree with Elliot.

[35:38] It's really on the fence there.

[35:39] I think if we'd had a little bit more of my, and I think Elliot's favorite character in the movie,

[35:44] and I think you liked him too, the sad, bluesy guitar riff that they would play every time there was a sad scene.

[35:51] We didn't mention that.

Elliott Kalan

[35:52] The score of the movie is mostly like rousing, bombastic, normal movie score.

[35:57] Or like goofy.

[35:58] Or like doo-doo-doo.

[35:59] Like the kind of music you would hear in the background of like a goofy kid's adventure, I guess.

[36:06] Yeah, or a cartoon of some kind.

[36:08] But then occasionally you'd get that like...

Stuart Wellington

[36:09] Yeah, it's the music that like the hard-boiled detective would hear.

Dan McCoy

[36:16] Whenever Murtaugh shows up or something.

Elliott Kalan

[36:18] Yeah, exactly.

[36:19] It's Murtaugh's theme.

[36:20] When the hero of To Live and Die in L.A. is staring out over the rooftops of the city,

[36:24] like that's the music that plays in the Three Musketeers movie.

[36:29] You wanted a little more of that.

Stuart Wellington

[36:31] Yeah, if I'd gotten a little more of that, it would have been a great, good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] It reminds me of the movie 300, which I enjoyed because it's totally stupid.

[36:39] And there's a moment when they're fighting and I remember seeing the theater going like,

[36:43] why is there not an electric guitar playing right now?

[36:46] And then the guitar kicked in and it was like, oh, okay, good.

[36:49] They finally realized there is no reason in a movie this dumb to pretend that you're going to use music from this time period.

[36:56] Or from that general time period of the past, so classical music is okay.

[37:02] Throw some electric guitar in there.

[37:03] It's totally stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[37:04] You got English accents, check.

[37:05] You got classical music, check.

[37:07] It's old-timey.

[37:08] Yeah, everyone's English.

Dan McCoy

[37:10] Yeah, I say this is a bad, bad movie because it sandwiches opening and closing scenes of weird steampunk kung fu bullshit versions of Three Musketeers.

[37:24] And in between it has boring versions of just the Three Musketeers story that we've all heard several times already.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:33] We've eaten it.

Elliott Kalan

[37:34] The worst of both worlds.

[37:35] In candy bar form.

[37:36] Yeah.

[37:37] And Stuart, what did you say?

[37:39] What did you say?

[37:40] Bad, bad also?

Stuart Wellington

[37:40] I say I think it straddles the line.

[37:42] I think there's things about it that were good, bad, but not enough.

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] Not enough to make it worth watching.

[37:48] Yeah.

[37:48] I will say one thing that came up while we were watching that I think should be recorded for history in this podcast is my wish that there is a Danish teen heartthrob magazine that has Mads Mikkelsen on the cover.

[37:59] And the headline is Mad for Mads.

[38:03] Danish teens are mad for Mads.

Stuart Wellington

[38:06] Yeah, I mean, somebody's going to take that idea now, dude.

[38:09] You realize.

[38:09] Can you copyright it or anything?

[38:10] Look, I'm just putting it out in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[38:12] It's like my Jerry Cornelius.

[38:13] Just use it for whatever.

[38:14] He'll just be happy.

[38:14] Public domain automatically.

Dan McCoy

[38:17] Yeah.

[38:17] Creative Commons, everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] Very Creative Commons.

[38:21] That's my wiki idea.

[38:22] I'd like to thank...

Dan McCoy

[38:23] I'd like to...

[38:25] Are we in the letters section, Dan?

[38:27] We are in the letters section, but first I'd like to thank for donations.

[38:31] I'd like to thank...

Stuart Wellington

[38:32] Hey!

[38:33] Oh, Al's got...

[38:34] He likes donations, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] I'd like to thank Gina L.

[38:37] Hey!

[38:38] Paul Michael A.

[38:39] Seems greedy to have two first names, but whatever.

[38:42] And Efren C.

Elliott Kalan

[38:44] He donated money to the podcast, Dan.

[38:46] Why are you biting his hand?

[38:47] No, that's what...

[38:48] Seriously, get that hand out of your mouth, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] That's why they donated it.

[38:51] It's like Don Rickles.

[38:53] They like the abuse.

[38:54] Oh, okay.

[38:55] That's not true at all.

[38:56] I don't think that's true at all.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] Flophouse fans, write in and say if you like Dan abusing you when you are so very kind

[39:01] and generous enough to help support us in this endeavor.

[39:04] We appreciate it.

[39:05] Dan doesn't, but we do.

Dan McCoy

[39:06] So this first letter from the Flophouse mailbag is...

Elliott Kalan

[39:09] Flophouse mailbag!

[39:10] Opening the letters, reading them up!

[39:13] Is it new one?

[39:13] Replying to them, sending them back!

[39:16] No sender at this address!

[39:19] Where did they move?

[39:20] Find it out.

[39:21] Did they leave a forwarding one?

[39:23] Very active.

[39:24] No, they didn't.

[39:25] Track it down.

[39:26] Use the internet.

[39:27] Public databases?

[39:29] I guess I'll pay the membership fee.

[39:31] It's like a Man in Motion type version of Elliot's song.

[39:34] Time to find them out.

[39:36] Send it back.

[39:37] Last known address was the one we already sent it to.

[39:40] I guess we'll wait to hear from them.

[39:42] They know where we are.

Dan McCoy

[39:43] Weirdly, the whole premise of this song is that they're using snail mail when these are all

[39:48] coming in via email, but...

[39:50] Alright.

[39:51] Not enough postage.

Elliott Kalan

[39:53] Flophouse mailbag.

Dan McCoy

[39:55] So this first letter...

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] Part two of the song.

[39:59] Okay, we got an idea of where they live now.

[40:02] Send it to them as a package.

[40:04] With some Flophouse merchandise.

[40:06] Do we have any?

[40:07] Not yet.

Dan McCoy

[40:07] I don't understand why anyone on the internet would say that Elliot's irritating.

[40:12] I don't get where that idea got out there in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] Well, no.

[40:15] They said my voice was irritating.

[40:17] My personality is also irritating.

[40:19] So this...

[40:20] That's totally different.

Dan McCoy

[40:21] This letter is titled Boo.

Elliott Kalan

[40:23] Ah!

[40:24] Oh, God.

[40:26] Oh, it's the scariest letter I've ever heard.

Dan McCoy

[40:28] Wait, wait, wait.

[40:29] This letter's titled Boo.

Stuart Wellington

[40:31] Oh.

[40:32] I mean, that's...

[40:33] I mean, at least I know there's not a ghost writing us letters.

Dan McCoy

[40:35] And it says, did Dan just recommend Real Steel?

[40:38] He totally did.

[40:39] The movie with a dancing kid who programs robots to dance with him as he dances and is very annoying?

[40:45] That sounds pretty great, actually.

[40:47] They should have called it Robo Dance.

[40:48] Is it because of the buttitude of that mechanic girl who walks around in skimpy clothes?

[40:53] Because I'm pretty sure...

[40:54] David even mentioned that.

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:55] Because I'm pretty sure her butt isn't even married.

[40:58] And as such, should prove of no interest to Dan.

[41:00] I reluctantly agree.

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] Very good.

[41:02] Very good Flophouse continuity callback.

[41:04] Dan is only interested in the butts of married women.

Dan McCoy

[41:07] I'd reluctantly agree to a spookily good bad for this, but a recommendation really steams my cheese.

[41:12] Boo.

[41:12] The rest is okay.

[41:14] We'll never listen again.

[41:15] All the best.

[41:15] Really?

[41:16] Wow.

[41:17] Peter, last name held.

Stuart Wellington

[41:19] So, the steal was not that real is what he's saying.

[41:22] Well, no.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] I gotta say, in my defense, I was recommending three movies very quickly that day.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] Yeah.

[41:28] In your defense, you were recommending just movies you would happen to watch on an airplane

[41:31] recently.

Dan McCoy

[41:31] Those were qualified recommendations.

[41:34] I had a shorter period of time.

[41:36] And I did, in fact, think to myself, should I mention that there is a very shitty aspect

[41:41] of the movie, which is the kid dancing and the robot dancing along with it?

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] And why didn't you mention that there's a very shapely aspect to the movie?

Dan McCoy

[41:48] I mean, I didn't find it as buttatudinal as this...

Elliott Kalan

[41:53] Calipigian.

[41:54] Gentleman did.

[41:55] The correct term is Calipigian.

Dan McCoy

[41:58] Evangeline Lilly plays the mechanic.

[42:00] You may remember her as Kate from Lost.

Elliott Kalan

[42:02] Is she from Neon Genesis Evangelion?

[42:04] Yes.

[42:05] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[42:07] Is that the one where the spaceships transform into robots and use songs as weapons?

[42:11] And against aliens, who are also angels somehow.

Dan McCoy

[42:13] Okay.

[42:14] Japan.

[42:15] What are you gonna do?

[42:16] I want to make it clear that I also was irritated by the dancing robot.

Elliott Kalan

[42:20] But, uh...

[42:21] Because you hate joy?

[42:22] I'm not a single-issue voter, all right?

[42:24] What about this scene in Short Circuit 2 where he dances with the little Short Circuit

Dan McCoy

[42:28] robots?

[42:28] That's pretty awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[42:29] Okay, good.

[42:30] As long as you're not against all dancing robots.

[42:32] No.

Dan McCoy

[42:33] This second email is titled, Three Questions for the Flophouse House Cat.

[42:40] Can he...

[42:41] Okay, I hope the answer is...

[42:42] A lot of pressure.

[42:42] Dear Flophouse House Cat.

[42:45] Meow!

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] Meow, meow.

[42:47] Meow, meow, meow, meow.

[42:48] Meow.

[42:50] One.

[42:51] Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

[42:53] Meow, meow, meow, meow.

[42:56] Is this really gonna...

Stuart Wellington

[42:58] Two.

[42:59] Okay.

[42:59] This is what we're doing now, I guess.

[43:02] Is this the Killing Time podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[43:06] Meow, meow, meow.

[43:06] Are we short this week, Dan?

[43:09] And three.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[43:14] Sincerely, Eric S.

[43:15] Dan, have you ever heard what a cat sounds like?

[43:18] Look, I'm just reading the email.

[43:19] It wasn't me.

[43:20] It sounds like Charlie Brown's mom.

Dan McCoy

[43:22] It sounded like Charlie Brown's cat.

Stuart Wellington

[43:24] So those are three questions for the Flophouse House Cat.

[43:26] Okay.

[43:28] Looks like he's gonna answer them all.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[43:33] All right.

[43:34] I guess that's all of them.

[43:35] Okay, yeah, that covers everything, I think.

[43:36] Fair enough.

[43:38] Now he's leaving.

[43:40] He just left on a skateboard with a slingshot hanging out of his back pocket.

Dan McCoy

[43:43] After spraying his urine all over us.

[43:46] But in a cool way.

[43:50] This...

[43:50] He gave us a Hang 10 signal while he was spraying us with his urine.

[43:53] This email is titled, No More Mournful Sighs.

[43:58] And it goes, Dear Floppers, there shall be no more mournful sighs from Dan when he finds

[44:05] out that the entirety of the seminal, epic, and classic movie Hots is now available on YouTube.

[44:13] And there's a YouTube link.

[44:15] And he says, Now the cinematic masterpiece can be known to all with a simple interweb connection.

[44:21] Yours floppily, Chris, last name with Hots.

[44:25] P.S. Flophouse House Cat should be spayed and or neutered for his, her own protection.

[44:30] I agree.

[44:30] Yeah, it's too late.

Elliott Kalan

[44:32] He has already littered America with his litter.

Dan McCoy

[44:35] I did check on this link, which I'll stick on the webpage.

Stuart Wellington

[44:40] For reference, not for masturbation.

Dan McCoy

[44:44] No, I was curious.

[44:46] At how hard it would make you.

[44:50] No, I know.

[44:51] I know.

[44:51] I've seen Hots before.

[44:52] I'm familiar with the...

[44:53] It's too late.

[44:54] He's already seen it all.

[44:56] They can't put their blouses back on.

[44:59] They try, but...

[44:59] It's too late.

[45:00] I've seen everything.

[45:02] No, I was surprised to find that YouTube apparently is now just allowing 80s TNA films to be uploaded unedited.

[45:11] It's just totally uncut?

[45:13] Yeah, no.

[45:14] The topless football game from the end of Hots is intact.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] Yeah, I think that falls under fair use for news.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:24] That's why they can do that.

Dan McCoy

[45:26] But that is good news.

[45:28] I don't think it's enough to quit me from sawing forevermore.

[45:33] No, for that it would take real good news.

Elliott Kalan

[45:34] By the way, Dan, have you heard the good news?

[45:36] What is it?

[45:37] Hots has risen.

Dan McCoy

[45:39] Hots has risen indeed.

[45:41] Hots is back.

[45:44] But I am excited that that's freely available to all.

[45:49] Oh, yeah, finally.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] Finally, that great resource will no longer be hidden behind the cruel lock and key of having to pay for it.

[45:57] If you out there...

Stuart Wellington

[45:59] Well, you don't have to waste memory on your smartphone by downloading the movie.

[46:04] You can just watch it directly on YouTube.

[46:06] If there are people in the world who are imagining...

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] If there are people in the world...

[46:10] Now, finally, people in the third world, in developing nations.

[46:14] Only need an internet access to watch Hots.

[46:17] People out there wondering...

[46:18] I only hope the Chinese government doesn't block the Hots video.

[46:23] The way it has so many other sites.

Dan McCoy

[46:24] Across the nations, wondering to themselves,

[46:26] what would it be like if there was a football game with women who were topless?

[46:31] Hots.

[46:31] Because that is unimaginable.

[46:33] There's no way to see that unless you actually watch it.

[46:36] Hots will solve that issue for them.

[46:38] You know, they will know now.

[46:40] Lastly, though.

[46:42] Lastly, email-wise.

[46:43] Is it the last email?

[46:44] Short mailbag.

[46:45] From Dave...

[46:46] Short mailbag.

[46:47] From Dave, Elliot's brother, last name with hell.

[46:49] Really?

[46:50] Another one?

[46:51] It's titled...

Stuart Wellington

[46:52] Responding to Elliot's Mockery.

[46:55] Oh, man.

[46:56] See, it's like...

[46:57] It's like a fucking...

[46:58] Like a hobo.

[46:59] Like, if he comes around and you give him money,

[47:01] he's gonna come around to give him the future.

[47:04] Like, we should just not make eye contact, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[47:07] I mean, I have to make eye contact with my brother at some point.

[47:09] You can probably get around it.

[47:11] All right.

Dan McCoy

[47:12] He writes,

[47:13] Dear Flophouse gang,

[47:15] My brother made a big point to tell me this past weekend that I should listen to the show

[47:19] because my letters sparked a raucous laughing fit as I became the butt of several jokes.

[47:25] I expected nothing less and was amused that Elliot referred to me as Dickopedia,

[47:30] Considering that I've been called Davapedia multiple times due to my useless stores of crap,

[47:36] even though Elliot has far more useless bullshit in his brain than I have in mine.

Elliott Kalan

[47:40] All the Kalen boys are garbage brains, that's true, and I have a lot of garbage in my brain.

Dan McCoy

[47:45] However, there are a few issues in your discussion I must take umbrage with,

[47:49] which I'm sure you're all very interested to know about.

[47:51] Look, we know Olivia Wilde was his mother and not his girlfriend, okay?

[47:55] 4-1. Elliot said Steve Tisch didn't deserve either when I noted that he has won both the Best Picture Oscar and the Super Bowl.

[48:03] Well, Elliot might be right on the Oscar assumption as Forrest Gump couldn't have been the Best Picture

[48:07] with such other strong candidates as Pulp Fiction, The Air Up There, and The Immortal Cabin Boy all coming out that year.

Elliott Kalan

[48:13] I don't believe The Air Up There was nominated. Cabin Boy was and deserved to win.

Dan McCoy

[48:19] Chris Elliott earned his Best Actor Academy Award, The Air Up There.

[48:25] That said, the 2007 and 2011 New York Giants, of which Steve Tisch was a co-owner,

[48:30] despite underwhelming regular season records, clearly proved on the field in both postseasons

[48:36] they were absolutely deserving Super Bowl champions.

[48:39] What is this podcast about?

[48:41] Is this a sportscast all of a sudden?

[48:43] Secondly, Andy Rooney is not at all related to the family that owns the Pittsburgh Steelers,

[48:48] neither is Art Carney.

[48:50] Lastly, when I bring up women I've dated to my brother,

[48:54] he regularly tells me he can't remember who exactly I'm talking about

[48:58] because there's so many of them.

[49:00] Well, that makes my dating life seem far more exciting than it actually is.

[49:04] It does make his comment that I put more effort into emailing the show than I do into dating,

[49:08] specious at best.

[49:10] Given that this will almost certainly lead to Elliot making fun of me again,

[49:13] rather than an honest, heartfelt mea culpa,

[49:17] I'm not entirely sure why I'm sending this email,

[49:19] but I look forward to hearing my brother defend himself.

Elliott Kalan

[49:22] Sincerely, Dave, last name with help.

[49:23] Look, I'm sorry, Dave, that I mocked you.

[49:26] I'm glad that the Flophouse ombudsman wrote in again

[49:29] to remind us what we got wrong about the things we care about the least,

[49:33] by which I mean sports.

[49:36] And no, my brother does have a very active romantic life.

[49:40] There you go.

[49:41] He's a dynamo.

[49:42] I've heard he may have even gotten to the dugout.

[49:45] Not first base exactly, but, you know, eventually there with girls.

[49:50] It's kind of beside first base, right?

[49:52] Yeah.

[49:53] He got a walk to first.

[49:55] He got a walk to first once, and he got beaned once.

Stuart Wellington

[49:58] Man, we sound like a couple of sportsophiles.

Elliott Kalan

[50:03] A couple of sportsaniacs over here.

[50:05] Mornington J-Sports.

[50:06] No, but, yeah, Dave can continue to write in

[50:07] and tell us what we got wrong in his role

[50:10] as unelected Flophouse proofreader.

Stuart Wellington

[50:13] I really don't think we should give him any more attention.

[50:18] She's going to keep coming back.

[50:20] Ah, so that was great.

[50:21] We had some laughs over letters.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] Thanks, Stu, L over L.

[50:25] Thanks, Stu, for Mr. Sum it up.

[50:26] Summarizing.

[50:27] It's a really kind of a lame Batman villain, Mr. Sum it up, but, you know.

[50:32] Well, Batman, you foiled all my goons,

Stuart Wellington

[50:34] and now you're about to beat me up.

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] Oh, you've struck again, Mr. Sum it up.

Dan McCoy

[50:40] You've somehow ruined it.

[50:43] I was really looking forward to it

[50:44] until you spoiled what was about to happen.

Elliott Kalan

[50:47] Wait, Batman.

[50:48] Before you read that New Yorker article,

[50:50] allow me to explain.

[50:51] Oh, Mr. Sum it up.

[50:55] He lost his face in an electrical accident,

[50:57] but through transplant surgery, they gave him a new one.

[51:00] Well, now, what's even the point of me reading it?

[51:03] Sum it up.

[51:04] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[51:05] It's kind of like the contest ruiner, but for summarizing things.

[51:08] For things that have a narrative.

Elliott Kalan

[51:11] Yeah.

[51:12] Well, we've never seen them in the same room together,

[51:14] except we have when they teamed up,

[51:16] to ruin contests and novels.

Dan McCoy

[51:20] So, this is the last segment.

[51:23] Everyone's favorite segment.

[51:24] If by everyone, I mean...

[51:27] No one.

[51:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:28] And why do we keep doing it?

[51:30] Okay.

[51:30] People need a touch of good movie,

[51:32] just so that we know...

[51:33] They know we don't hate everything.

Dan McCoy

[51:34] We need to send them out of the podcast singing song.

[51:37] Singing a song for the podcast.

[51:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:38] Song in their heart,

[51:39] smile on their face,

[51:40] gum in their hair.

[51:41] Oh, so if we're talking about something we actually like.

[51:43] Yeah, exactly.

[51:44] Blood on their hands.

Dan McCoy

[51:46] Blood on the tracks.

[51:48] So...

[51:48] On top of old spaghetti.

[51:53] Made in America.

[51:56] In a New York minute.

[51:58] Beneath the valley of the ultra-fiction.

[52:00] Up above buildings.

Elliott Kalan

[52:07] Over the river and through the woods.

[52:09] I'm not playing this game.

[52:10] Under the rainbow.

[52:13] Inside, outside, upside down.

[52:15] Live in La Vida Loca.

[52:17] Beyond the green door.

[52:19] Beyond the green door?

[52:21] Just behind the green door.

[52:23] No, beyond it.

[52:23] Beyond the green door makes it seem like

[52:25] there's a fantasy world behind it.

[52:27] It's like Narnia.

[52:29] Some kind of porn Narnia.

[52:33] Against all odds.

[52:34] Beyond the green door lies enchantment and text beyond your wildest imagination.

[52:40] Over the top.

[52:43] Stuart.

[52:44] Free toy inside.

Dan McCoy

[52:47] Of all the movies you've seen.

[52:49] Man of La Mancha.

[52:50] Every movie I've ever seen.

Stuart Wellington

[52:53] Let's try to keep it recent, maybe.

[52:55] What's a movie you might recommend to listeners?

[52:59] Out of every single movie I've ever seen.

[53:01] Out of all movies in the world.

[53:02] Let's see.

Elliott Kalan

[53:02] If you can, maybe try to name a movie you haven't named before.

Stuart Wellington

[53:05] Okay.

[53:06] So...

[53:06] Don Castle.

[53:08] For you.

[53:09] Wait, shut up, guys.

[53:12] Done head of the family.

[53:13] Family.

[53:15] It's all mania.

[53:16] Oh.

[53:19] I actually...

[53:20] I watched a movie recently.

[53:22] Stop joking, guys.

[53:23] This is serious.

[53:24] Yeah, let's get serious for a moment.

[53:25] Let's get serious, guys.

[53:26] Let's sober up.

[53:27] I watched a movie called The Innkeepers, directed by Ty West, the guy who directed...

[53:34] House of the Devil.

[53:35] House of the Devil.

[53:36] Great movie that one of us recommended.

[53:39] Probably me, because I'm awesome.

[53:41] I recommend...

[53:42] Yeah, that logic.

[53:43] Yeah, I mean, that works.

[53:44] You showed your work, yeah.

[53:47] Innkeepers is about a couple of people working in a bed and breakfast on the last weekend that

[53:55] it is open.

[53:56] And this bed and breakfast has a history of being haunted.

[54:01] And the two co-workers kind of try and have fun and at the same time figure out whether

[54:08] or not there's any truth to the ghost stories about the place with terrifying consequences.

[54:14] But it manages to be both funny and super atmospheric and, yeah, genuinely scary.

[54:19] So I recommend it.

[54:20] The Innkeepers.

Dan McCoy

[54:21] Well, today I watched one of those viral internet videos, fellows.

[54:27] Hotz.

Elliott Kalan

[54:29] It was called Hotz.

Dan McCoy

[54:32] In a topless football game.

[54:35] No, I saw a video that someone...

[54:37] Yeah, that sports you'll like.

[54:38] Yeah.

[54:39] They'll put you in the scene.

Elliott Kalan

[54:39] No, Dave is going to write it in and tell us how it wasn't regulation football.

[54:43] They didn't play by the rules.

[54:44] There's some byline in the football handle that says you can't play topless.

Dan McCoy

[54:49] No, I saw a video that someone put together...

Elliott Kalan

[54:52] There's nothing in the rule book that says you can't have boobs.

Dan McCoy

[54:53] I'll allow it.

[54:57] You don't have to be in Amazon.

[55:00] So this is a video where someone did a composite thing of all of the rear window shots, the back courtyard shots of rear window.

[55:11] They stuck everything in the geographical place that it would have been, and they do like focus in and pull in and out or focus to like show...

[55:21] You know, if something wasn't happening at the time, I guess, in the movie, they would blur that out and pull focus just to the area where there actually was action.

[55:30] But what this video kind of made me realize was just, again, it made me realize how brilliant Alfred Hitchcock was spatially.

[55:40] Like, to think of a movie where, like, this actually all works.

[55:43] Like, if you composite all of these shots together, it makes geographic sense, and it makes...

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] Well, he was a space baby, so he had a real understanding of space.

[55:52] But it meant they needed two cribs.

Dan McCoy

[55:54] But I feel like that's...

[55:56] I mean, Alfred Hitchcock...

Stuart Wellington

[55:57] Are you fucking making fun of me for the space babies thing?

[56:00] I thought we dropped that.

[56:01] It's a callback.

Dan McCoy

[56:02] Alfred Hitchcock clearly doesn't need my endorsement, but, like, that is something that modern thrillers don't have,

[56:08] which is this inherent, like, sense of geography.

[56:12] You know, like, and this movie is airtight in terms of where everything is in relationship to everything else.

[56:18] And this video just drove it home again.

[56:21] And so I recommend going back and re-watching rear window, or if you've never seen it in the first place, watching it once,

[56:28] because it is one of the great Hollywood thrillers ever made.

[56:33] Cool.

Elliott Kalan

[56:35] What do you have, Elliot?

[56:36] I'm going to recommend two movies.

[56:38] Bird on a Wire.

[56:39] Bird on a Wire and Bird on a Wire 2, which hasn't been made yet, but here's the pitch.

[56:43] The Bird is back, and so is Hans Weier, her arch nemesis.

[56:49] I assume that's what this movie's about.

[56:51] I thought that Hans Weier died at the end of Bird on a Wire 1.

[56:53] I did think that.

[56:54] Bird on a Wire 2, the return of Hans Weier, tells us differently.

[56:57] He now has his own brain inside a robot body.

[57:00] The bird is, of course, still a half bird, half woman, created by the evil scientist, Dr. Weier.

[57:05] And she's trying to live her life, her fashion dreams, as a fashion designer in New York City,

[57:09] but Dr. Weier comes back to try to take her back to his evil menagerie.

[57:14] Okay.

[57:14] And Kurt Russell's in it, I guess.

[57:16] Okay.

[57:17] And he plays Snake Plissken, but we can't call him that because it's copyrighted,

[57:22] so instead his name is Lizard Plutkin.

[57:28] We still got the eye patch.

[57:29] He's got a Mad Magazine parody.

[57:30] He's still got the eye patch, the blue camo pants, the sleeveless shirt.

Stuart Wellington

[57:35] He's got two eye patches in the Mad Magazine version.

[57:37] Yeah, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[57:39] Anyway, Bird on a Wire 2, the return of Dr. Weier.

[57:43] So that's my first recommendation.

[57:45] No, two movies – let's get serious for a moment.

[57:47] Two movies I saw recently.

[57:49] One is – and the two of them are on very opposite ends of the scale in terms of subject matter.

[57:55] One is The Messenger.

[57:57] Not The Messenger or the Joan of Arc story starring Milojovich,

[58:00] but The Messenger with Woody Harrelson about the soldiers who are tasked with notifying next of kin

[58:07] that they have lost someone in combat in Iraq or Afghanistan.

[58:13] And it's a very good – just kind of serious movie about that.

[58:17] And almost the best scenes of it are less the drama scenes because the story kind of runs where you think it's going to go,

[58:23] which is not necessarily a terrible thing.

[58:25] But the scenes where Woody Harrelson and I think it's what?

[58:29] Ryan Phillippe?

[58:31] Ben Foster.

[58:32] Ben Foster.

[58:32] That's who it is.

[58:33] They all look the same to me.

[58:35] And Ben Foster are going over basically how to do this job and what the technical rules of it are and things like that.

[58:42] And it was just very well done.

[58:44] The other movie that I wanted to recommend on the totally opposite end of the scale tone-wise is a movie called The Good, The Bad, The Weird,

[58:52] which I don't – that hasn't been recommended on this podcast before, right?

[58:56] I don't think so.

[58:57] I don't think so, which was a Korean action-adventure movie from a year or two ago,

[59:01] which was I think the highest budget Korean movie, South Korean movie up until that point,

[59:07] which is basically if you crossed The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Kung Fu Hustle,

[59:15] and Beyond Thunderdome kind of and set them in Manchuria in the 1930s,

[59:22] that's pretty much the movie.

[59:24] It's these three guys who are all after a treasure map and they keep crossing paths

[59:29] and there's a ton of enormous action scenes.

[59:32] And it was just a lot of fun and very over-the-top and silly and action-y in the way that I hoped Three Musketeers would have been

[59:39] when I saw the commercials and saw that there was a giant airship with fire cannons on it.

[59:44] So those are the movies I'd recommend.

[59:45] The Messenger and The Good, The Bad, The Weird.

[59:47] Don't necessarily watch them together because it would be like two extremes of hot and cold.

Dan McCoy

[59:52] Well, not side-by-side.

[59:53] Don't turn on two televisions next to each other.

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] For one thing, The Good, The Bad, The Weird is like 20 minutes longer.

[1:00:00] Oh, yeah.

[1:00:01] Yeah, they sync up.

[1:00:01] They sync up.

[1:00:02] Yeah, they sync up totally fine.

[1:00:04] But those were both movies that I appreciated recently or enjoyed recently.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:09] Well, before we sign off, guys, we should plug our upcoming live Flophouse event on June the 8th at 92 Y Tribeca.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:18] Friday, June 8th at 8 p.m., I believe.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:20] Should we reveal the film?

[1:00:22] Should we reveal the film or should we keep people guessing?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:27] Yeah, I don't care.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] Stuart doesn't care.

[1:00:29] Really noncommittal.

[1:00:30] We probably should have figured out whether or not we're going to reveal it before the podcast started.

[1:00:33] Yeah, this is awkward that we're discussing this in front of everybody.

[1:00:37] We'll save it for next time.

[1:00:38] Let's just say, we'll give people a clue.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:41] And the clue is that it stars James Remar.

[1:00:44] Ooh.

[1:00:45] So James Remar is the star of the film.

[1:00:48] And let's see.

[1:00:49] You know what?

[1:00:50] Let's reveal clues over the next couple months.

[1:00:52] Oh, man.

[1:00:53] We got until June.

[1:00:53] Like Hansel and Gretel.

[1:00:54] Let's hope the fucking contest winner doesn't show up.

[1:00:56] Uh-oh.

[1:00:57] And we'll reveal the title in like May.

[1:00:59] And then we can promote it for that month.

[1:01:01] Sounds good.

[1:01:02] You know.

[1:01:02] So was it June 8th?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:03] Yeah.

[1:01:03] Clear your schedule.

[1:01:04] June 8th in New York City.

[1:01:06] 92 Y Tribeca.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:07] The same place that we held the Twin Cities screening and the 12 round screening.

[1:01:12] And again, we're co-presenting it.

[1:01:14] Both sellout or almost sellout crowds.

[1:01:15] Let's just call them sellout crowds.

[1:01:16] Both and co-presented as before by the I Love Bad Movies team of Ksenia Yerosh and Matt

[1:01:22] Carman.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:23] Uh-huh.

[1:01:24] A great zine if you want to pick it up online.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:27] They put out a great zine.

[1:01:28] A real double fund.

[1:01:30] It's not available online.

[1:01:31] You just need to buy it online.

[1:01:32] And if you want to pick up that zine in person, they're actually hosting the Brooklyn

[1:01:35] Zine Fest on April 15th in Brooklyn.

[1:01:38] Ooh.

[1:01:38] In New York.

[1:01:40] I don't know the website.

[1:01:42] Google Brooklyn Zine Fest, I guess.

[1:01:44] Yeah.

[1:01:45] A real professional operation we're running around here.

[1:01:47] Yep.

[1:01:47] Well, we...

[1:01:48] Yeah.

[1:01:48] Anywho.

[1:01:49] But June 8th is the movie.

[1:01:51] So James Remar is in it.

[1:01:54] So.

[1:01:54] It's going to be hilarious.

[1:01:56] That just leaves...

[1:01:58] Sign-offs, right?

[1:01:59] Time to sign off.

[1:02:00] Yeah.

[1:02:00] So for the Flophouse.

[1:02:02] Sign-off time.

[1:02:03] Time to sign off.

[1:02:04] Flophouse sign-off time.

[1:02:06] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:10] Wait, why is he...

[1:02:11] I've been Stuart...

[1:02:12] You're signing off.

[1:02:13] Did that throw you off?

[1:02:14] I'm...

[1:02:15] No, why do you sing through his and not mine?

[1:02:17] Because...

[1:02:17] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:02:19] There, I'm done.

[1:02:19] I'm out.

[1:02:20] I got it out.

[1:02:21] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:02:26] Goodbye, everyone.

[1:02:27] Boom in the can.

[1:02:28] We've not even done yet.

[1:02:30] Why would you say that then?

[1:02:32] Another time in the can.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:40] All right, everyone.

[1:02:41] Yeah.

[1:02:42] Yeah.

[1:02:42] We got it.

[1:02:43] Wait.

[1:02:44] That's not how we start.

[1:02:46] We got it, buddies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:47] We go, we got one.

[1:02:49] And Annie Fox hits that bell.

[1:02:51] It's a real big problem where the real bad logo goes.

[1:02:54] Cleaning up the town.

[1:02:56] That's not how we start.

[1:02:57] Oh, yeah.

[1:02:57] We'll see you next time.

[1:02:57] Yeah.

[1:02:59] Bye.

[1:03:00] Bye.

The Flop House: Episode #99 - The Three Musketeers

Transcript

In this episode

Description