The Flop House: Episode #99 - The Three Musketeers

[0:00] We discuss that classic work of swashbuckling, airships, and I guess kung fu, The Three Musketeers.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:42] Hey.

[0:43] Hey guys.

[0:44] Hey Dan, hey yourself.

[0:46] Hey, what's up? Hey, what's happening?

[0:46] Are we just meeting?

[0:47] Yeah.

[0:47] It's nice to see you.

[0:49] Yeah, do we bump into each other on a podcast somehow?

[0:51] Fancy meeting you here.

[0:54] Somebody's in somebody's eardrums.

[0:56] Fancy meeting you here in front of all of these microphones.

[0:59] It's not that fancy.

[1:00] I'm wearing a short-sleeved shirt.

[1:01] Hands are covered with chicken grease.

[1:03] Before we start the show tonight, we've got to address a Flophouse scandal.

[1:10] We've got to clear the air.

[1:11] Provide retraction, correction, and direction.

[1:14] Yeah, a lot of people pointed out that last episode, the Intime...

[1:19] And by a lot of people, a couple people.

[1:21] A couple people on the internets pointed out that in the Intime episode...

[1:27] Intime.

[1:28] We...

[1:29] Intime.

[1:30] mistakenly referred to Olivia Wilde as Justin Timberlake's girlfriend.

[1:34] And thereby the hamburger.

[1:36] No, let's not bring back the hamburger steak analogy.

[1:40] No, actually, I was going to ask Stuart.

[1:41] Because that is an insult to all humanity.

[1:43] No, no, no.

[1:44] She was not his girlfriend.

[1:46] She was not his girlfriend.

[1:48] She was his mother.

[1:48] She was actually his mother.

[1:49] Stuart, would you like to revise your hamburger steak analogy based on that?

[1:54] Go.

[1:54] So I guess in this case, as somebody's already pointed out,

[1:58] that would make somebody's mom to be a hamburger

[2:00] and that your, I guess, girlfriend would be steak.

[2:03] Fair enough.

[2:04] Girlfriend being Amanda Seyfried.

[2:06] When before you were just judging the relative physical attractiveness of those two actresses.

[2:10] Their hotness or their nutness, if you will.

[2:12] In the crudest possible manner.

[2:13] Yeah.

[2:13] In the least humane or human way.

[2:18] Stumane, yeah.

[2:19] I would probably...

[2:21] Why don't you go for some stumane?

[2:22] Stumane noodles?

[2:23] You know what?

[2:25] This is, I think, a more complex question.

[2:28] I think I'm going to have to take some time.

[2:29] Okay.

[2:29] We're going to, after we're done recording this, we'll do a Flophouse Movie Minute.

[2:33] I don't know.

[2:34] About 10, 20 minutes where we...

[2:36] Where I actually kind of talk about this outline.

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:39] Just two to three hours.

[2:40] Just to get into it.

[2:42] Because you'll probably not be invited to speak at the TED conference.

[2:45] You'll have to give what your lecture would have been, which is hamburger steak.

[2:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[2:51] When a woman is a hamburger or a steak.

[2:52] And the properties of different types of hamburger moms.

[2:55] Or steak girlfriends.

[2:58] Or steak burger girlfriends.

[2:59] Steak girlfriends.

[3:00] All kinds.

[3:01] But I'd like...

[3:01] I mean, this is a flaw.

[3:03] I mean, like, you know, in our defense, this is what happens.

[3:06] In our defense, that movie was very dull.

[3:08] In our defense, this is what happens.

[3:10] And we started talking.

[3:10] When a movie, one of the tropes of the movie is that everyone's 25 years old.

[3:15] So they're all the same age.

[3:17] I think trope is the wrong word there.

[3:18] But whatever.

[3:19] But also, yes, you know, we were talking when the movie started.

[3:24] One of the tripes of the movie.

[3:26] We do.

[3:28] We do talk during a lot of these films.

[3:30] I remember that one in particular.

[3:32] I had to ask you guys more than usual if you could shut up.

[3:35] Because I was having trouble hearing.

[3:37] Well, a lot of people got sassy on the internet about how we missed this plot point.

[3:41] And to them, I have to say, why are you expecting us to be good at our jobs?

[3:48] I mean, haven't you been listening to this?

[3:50] Like, this is not...

[3:51] So you were kind of angry about it.

[3:52] No, no.

[3:53] He was really pissed off.

[3:54] Why do you even listen to this shit?

[3:56] No, no, no.

[3:57] I think it's...

[3:57] Look, I don't go down to where you listen to podcasts and slap the dick out of your ears.

[4:00] I think it's emblematic of a basic misunderstanding about the Flophouse.

[4:05] That we put any effort into it.

[4:08] Thanks.

[4:08] Which is, this is a podcast about movies.

[4:13] It is.

[4:13] Rather than a podcast about three dudes saying gibberish at each other.

[4:18] No, there it is that, too.

[4:20] Yeah.

[4:21] I'm surprised at people getting up in arms about a factual error.

[4:26] I don't know that this...

[4:27] I don't know that this really cuts to the heart of the Flophouse the way you feel it

[4:31] does, but I am both touched and impressed that we mean so much to people that they wanted

[4:37] to point out that we got it wrong.

[4:38] Because the worst reaction is indifference.

[4:41] The more you know.

[4:44] No, I think the worst reaction is people making fun of us on the internet.

[4:47] I think that's the worst reaction.

[4:48] Look, I've been made fun of on the internet.

[4:50] It's really easy to take.

[4:51] All the time.

[4:52] Constantly.

[4:52] Yeah.

[4:53] Your genital size.

[4:55] Your...

[4:55] One of the regular comments that...

[4:57] That this podcast receives on message boards and things is how irritating my voice is.

[5:03] Mm-hmm.

[5:04] And I find that hilarious.

[5:06] So...

[5:07] All right.

[5:08] I have no...

[5:08] So if people make fun of us on the internet, it doesn't bother me that much.

[5:11] Okay, fair enough.

[5:12] So...

[5:13] But then again, I have a heart of stone, so...

[5:15] So to sum up...

[5:16] Wait, people are making fun of us?

[5:17] Well, just you.

[5:19] Oh, okay.

[5:20] To sum up for our fans...

[5:22] For our fans, to sum up, we love you...

[5:25] Yes.

[5:25] And fuck you.

[5:26] Yeah, well...

[5:27] But also, we love you.

[5:28] We love you.

[5:29] You're perfect.

[5:29] Now change.

[5:30] Yeah.

[5:30] In the words of Broadway.

[5:31] But no, we'll pay closer attention to the movies we watch starting next time, because

[5:37] this time, it was very hard to.

[5:39] Yeah, this time we watched a little movie called Les Trois Mousquetaires, or in American...

[5:46] I don't even know what that is.

[5:48] Is that Japanese?

[5:48] The French...

[5:49] The Three Musketeers.

[5:51] The French Musketeers.

[5:54] Yep.

[5:54] In English, the title is The French Musketeers.

[5:57] Also, there's three of them.

[6:00] By the way, this is an American movie that was made in English.

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:03] Shot in Bavaria, I believe.

[6:05] We watched the Three Musketeers 2011 version.

[6:09] Yep.

[6:09] Many films...

[6:10] By Paul W.S. Anderson.

[6:11] Not Paul Thomas Anderson, or Paul Wes Anderson, who is...

[6:15] A real hit maker.

[6:16] Yeah.

[6:17] Yeah, he made a lot of big movies, like, what, Resident Evil?

[6:20] He's killed a lot of people, is what you're thinking.

[6:21] What else did he do?

[6:22] Paul Wes Anderson.

[6:23] Oh, he did the first Mortal Kombat movie, right?

[6:25] He did...

[6:27] Soldier, is that him?

[6:29] Yeah, Soldier was him, and Magnolia.

[6:31] There Will Be Blood.

[6:33] The Royal Tenenbaums.

[6:34] Paul Thomas Anderson, now Wes Anderson.

[6:36] He wrote Winesburg, Ohio.

[6:40] I don't even know what that reference is.

[6:42] Sherwood Anderson.

[6:43] Okay.

[6:43] Read a book sometime.

[6:45] Come on.

[6:46] Possibly The Three Musketeers by Alexander Dumas.

[6:49] He's that gray-haired, probably gay anchorman.

[6:53] Is that Anderson Cooper?

[6:55] Oh, oh.

[6:56] His hair's more white.

[6:57] That's what threw me off.

[6:58] That's what we're doing now, I guess.

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:00] He's a Sean Connery movie about a bank robber trying to rob an apartment building.

[7:05] That's the Anderson tapes.

[7:06] Wow.

[7:07] Okay, so...

[7:08] It's a fun movie, too.

[7:09] Three Musketeers.

[7:10] Elliot.

[7:11] Okay.

[7:12] You usually pay attention to the movie the best.

[7:14] I tried to this time.

[7:15] Yeah, let's...

[7:16] There's a lot of twists and turns in this one, right?

[7:16] Let's put it all on you this time, so if you fuck something up, it's just gonna be your fault.

[7:20] Oh, who, me?

[7:21] Okay.

[7:21] This movie had more twists and turns than a...

[7:23] Than a rattlesnake in a jigsaw puzzle.

[7:25] Exactly.

[7:26] Now, The Three Musketeers is, of course, based on the popular candy bar of the same name,

[7:32] and it just goes to show, like, they're...

[7:34] Who played Peanuts?

[7:35] Peanuts was played by...

[7:37] Hilary Swank.

[7:40] Was played by the music of Vince Giraldi.

[7:42] Wow.

[7:43] Hilary Swank played Peanuts.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:46] And, of course...

[7:48] Always a laugh.

[7:49] Nougat was played by Armin Müller-Stahl.

[7:52] And Chocolate was played

[7:56] by...

[7:59] Ralph Fiennes.

[7:59] The late Roy Scheider.

[8:00] So...

[8:03] We're in...

[8:04] Purely digital performance, I would imagine, right?

[8:06] Or was that actually an exhumed corpse?

[8:08] No, no.

[8:08] He just...

[8:09] He shot it, actually, 30 years ago.

[8:10] In case anyone ever made a movie of Three Musketeers.

[8:13] He wanted to be part of it.

[8:15] So he had it made in his spare time, and they just took it out.

[8:16] He just loved the material that much.

[8:18] He just loved the candy that much.

[8:19] So, it's 17th century France.

[8:22] Okay.

[8:22] Everyone's favorite place, favorite time.

[8:26] And we're introduced to a foursome of adventurers.

[8:30] The Three Musketeers, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis.

[8:34] And Milo Jovovich as Milady.

[8:36] Now, they're basically French ninjas who break into a place...

[8:40] Fringes.

[8:40] Fringes, if you will.

[8:41] Who...

[8:43] I think that's Lady Fringe fans.

[8:44] They're basically French secret agents in the 17th century.

[8:48] They all have their quirky personalities.

[8:50] One of them is a strongman.

[8:52] One of them is...

[8:54] Yeah, super religious.

[8:55] Super religious.

[8:56] And the other one is...

[8:57] A guy.

[8:58] Just a guy.

[8:59] He's the leader of the group.

[9:00] The Leonardo, if you will.

[9:02] The Leonardo, the Cyclops, the Dan McCoy.

[9:04] The boring one.

[9:05] The mummy, if you will, of the group.

[9:08] Wait, what?

[9:10] The mummy?

[9:11] They're in Venice, Italy, and they break into...

[9:13] The mummy, the leader of the monsters?

[9:15] No, he's the most boring of them.

[9:16] Okay, okay.

[9:16] The leader of the monsters is obviously Dracula, but he's super exciting.

[9:19] Dracula.

[9:20] What?

[9:22] So, anyway...

[9:23] Dracula.

[9:23] Yeah, let's...

[9:26] I believe your pronunciation of Dracula's name is if you were a recent Eastern European immigrant.

[9:32] It is hilarious.

[9:33] I grant you that, Dan.

[9:35] But let's move on with the...

[9:36] Yeah, you're breaking new comedy ground with your Dracula character.

[9:39] All right.

[9:40] But so, our musketeer friends and Milla Jovovich as Milady, they break into...

[9:46] Mia Jovovich.

[9:47] I know this because Mia Jovovich has pronounced her own name on cosmetics commercials recently.

[9:54] Did somebody put something in your drink?

[9:55] What's going on here?

[9:56] Well, whiskey.

[9:57] Someone put whiskey in your drink, and that was me.

[9:59] Do you have, like, a lot of pixie sticks before the recording?

[10:02] Oh, did I?

[10:04] Okay, let me continue.

[10:05] Just don't say any more names.

[10:06] So far, I'm almost through the first two minutes of the movie.

[10:09] So, Venice, Italy, the three musketeers break into Leonardo da Vinci's secret vault.

[10:16] Wait, you got one for that, Leonardo da Vinci?

[10:19] Vitally.

[10:19] That is, you are wasting our ears.

[10:24] This is a waste of ears.

[10:25] And they steal the plans for some kind of floating airship Zeppelin-type machine.

[10:32] Now, of course, to do that, they have to get past a bunch of booby traps, because this

[10:35] is a movie set in the past, made nowadays.

[10:37] There's all sorts of steampunk shit and nonsense.

[10:39] Slow motion.

[10:40] A lot of slow motion fighting and acrobatics.

[10:42] A lot of Milla Jovovich sliding around with her cleavage exposed.

[10:46] Yeah, and a lot of, like, as you said, Stuart, like, kind of Wushu-style fighting in medieval

[10:51] French fish markets.

[10:53] Yeah.

[10:55] So, they steal the airship, but then, bum-bum-bum, they've been betrayed by Milla Jovovich, and

[11:01] Orlando Bloom, as the Duke of Buckingham, their English nemesis, though everyone in

[11:06] the movie has an English accent, even if they're French.

[11:08] He looks like a rock and roll vampire.

[11:09] Orlando Bloom looks like a rock and roll vampire and has the one hanging earring that all villains

[11:14] have in these movies, drugs their wine to, I guess, put them to sleep for a little bit.

[11:19] He's a crypto gay man, I guess, is the thing.

[11:21] Like, that's, it's like from, like, an old movie.

[11:24] A gay man who loves puzzles?

[11:25] Yeah.

[11:26] Is that like if Crypto the Superdog was a gay man?

[11:29] No, I'm just saying, like, it's like in an older movie where they're, like, coded.

[11:34] It's like, this is why you don't like this guy, because he's effeminate.

[11:38] So, like, the critic characters in Laura or All About Eve.

[11:41] Right, exactly.

[11:41] Okay.

[11:42] And he likes puzzles.

[11:44] And he likes puzzles.

[11:45] Mainly Sudoku.

[11:46] But go on.

[11:48] What?

[11:50] Thanks, Stuart.

[11:52] I just needed some punctuation to separate me from Dan's incredibly

[11:55] stupid remark.

[11:56] For the editing later.

[11:57] Yeah.

[11:58] So, the airship plans get stolen by England.

[12:02] Now it's one year later, and a young man, D'Artagnan, who's kind of a fourth-rate Shia LaBeouf

[12:09] character, he's really irritating and very unlikable.

[12:11] Very cocksure.

[12:12] Like a third-rate Zac Efron.

[12:14] And unlikable.

[12:15] Yeah, Zac Efron.

[12:16] See, I can do it.

[12:18] I'm in.

[12:18] Zac Efron.

[12:19] He's like a second-rate Nora Efron.

[12:21] His father teaches him how to sword fight.

[12:25] His father's an ex-musketeer, and he says, you should go to Paris and be a musketeer.

[12:29] So, D'Artagnan rides into Paris.

[12:32] Three days later, he reaches Paris.

[12:34] I mean, the scene is basically the exact same as if he was going to college.

[12:37] Like, I think they just cribbed it from any, like, college buddy comedy where this character's

[12:45] about to go party hard and get laid all the time.

[12:48] Well, from the famous college movie, The Three Fratsketeers.

[12:51] But his dad tells him, make mistakes.

[12:55] Have adventures.

[12:56] Fall in love.

[12:57] Get in trouble.

[12:57] And it's like, it's terrible advice.

[12:59] It's just bad advice.

[13:01] You just gave him a sword and told him to do that.

[13:03] Yeah.

[13:04] So, neither a borrower nor lender be to thine own self be true.

[13:09] This is the sort of advice that a young musketeer should get.

[13:13] Yeah, sure.

[13:14] From, say, uh, from, say, uh...

[13:16] From, say, Polonius.

[13:17] Polonius.

[13:18] Someone who might get stabbed behind a curtain later on.

[13:22] Someone who, hiding behind a curtain, will get stabbed.

[13:24] Thus, uh...

[13:25] Yeah.

[13:25] Making them goofy.

[13:26] Yep.

[13:27] Someone whose advice actually should be, will be undercut by everything else about that character.

[13:32] Yeah.

[13:33] So, uh, we watched Hamlet.

[13:34] And, so he goes to Paris and proceeds to get into a lot of trouble and irritate all three

[13:41] of the musketeers who challenge him to a duel.

[13:44] But then their duel is interrupted by the guardsmen who work for the cardinal, Cardinal

[13:50] Richelieu, right?

[13:51] Mm-hmm.

[13:51] Richelieu.

[13:52] Uh, best known from history.

[13:55] And...

[13:55] Or those Monty Python, uh...

[13:57] Yeah, where Michael Palin would play Cardinal Richelieu with that weird accent.

[14:00] Yep.

[14:00] Where he'd go,

[14:01] Wait.

[14:01] Instead of we, I did that thing, yeah?

[14:04] So they say.

[14:06] Wait, well, that's actually...

[14:06] Wait, they use...

[14:07] Wait, they had silly accents on Monty Python.

[14:09] Yes, they did.

[14:10] People do say leh, though, in France.

[14:12] But the way he says it is...

[14:12] That's like, that's like our equivalent of yeah.

[14:14] But the way he says it is particularly good.

[14:16] No, it is funny.

[14:16] Uh...

[14:18] I'll give that to Michael Palin.

[14:19] Okay.

[14:20] And in the fight with the guardsmen in which they kill a lot of people.

[14:23] Like, the musketeers...

[14:24] It's like a team-up.

[14:25] Like, initially they're gonna kill this kid because he's an asshole.

[14:27] It's like a Marvel team-up.

[14:28] And they're like, well, this kid's beating all these dudes to death.

[14:31] Like, he's killing all these guys.

[14:32] Well, we help him out.

[14:32] Let's join in.

[14:33] Help him kill these people.

[14:34] And then the leader of the guards, played by one-eyed Mads Mikkelsen...

[14:37] Mads Mikkelsen.

[14:38] ...is like, hmm, just kill them.

[14:39] And then he leaves.

[14:40] Like, no, they're losing already.

[14:42] Oh, I forgot that, uh, D'Artagnan has already run afoul of Mads Mikkelsen earlier in a scene

[14:47] that was cribbed from A Fistful of Dollars.

[14:49] Yeah.

[14:50] Uh, where D'Artagnan tries to make Mads Mikkelsen apologize to D'Artagnan's horse for insulting

[14:55] it, uh, but instead he gets his ass kicked by, uh, Mads Mikkelsen.

[14:58] Well, a bullet, basically.

[15:00] Yeah, Mads Mikkelsen...

[15:00] And by being shot.

[15:01] ...shoots him when D'Artagnan pulls out a sword in a scene cribbed from A Fistful of

[15:04] They never bring a sword to a gunfight.

[15:06] So, there you go.

[15:07] Two...

[15:07] It's the old double crib.

[15:09] Yeah, double crib in one scene.

[15:11] You gotta double crib that thing for the baby's safety.

[15:14] You gotta double crib it.

[15:16] In case there's an oil spill?

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:18] Uh, in the baby?

[15:20] Yep.

[15:20] So, the three musketeers team up with D'Artagnan.

[15:25] Uh, it's pretty clear...

[15:26] No, it's if he gets out of one crib.

[15:27] Yeah, that's an extra crib.

[15:28] You need to have that second wall of defense.

[15:29] That's a second layer of crib.

[15:30] What if he gets out of the second crib?

[15:32] Well, no one could foresee that.

[15:34] That's never happened.

[15:35] Never.

[15:36] Really?

[15:36] In the history of babies.

[15:38] What is so different about the second crib that it's so much harder to get out of?

[15:41] It's a laser crib.

[15:42] Does it have snakes in it?

[15:42] Yeah, well...

[15:43] Is it a hundred feet high?

[15:45] Yes.

[15:46] The second crib is Planet Earth.

[15:50] Oh, think about that.

[15:50] Yeah.

[15:51] So, it's a space baby?

[15:52] I'm not saying it isn't a space baby.

[15:56] Yeah, this is a baby in, like, a space zoo.

[15:58] Like, aliens.

[15:59] I think it's really telling of Elliot that he assumed that this wasn't a space baby.

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:03] I think it is telling of me, yeah.

[16:05] No, racism is really the first thing it says about me.

[16:09] Spacism.

[16:10] Yeah, maybe spacism at best.

[16:12] So, three musketeers?

[16:14] Is that where we're at?

[16:15] Anyway, I'll make a long story short.

[16:17] There's the Cardinal...

[16:19] And Mila Jovovich are plotting with the Duke of Buckingham

[16:22] to overthrow the French king through the elaborate plot

[16:25] that involves the stealing of a necklace.

[16:26] Yeah.

[16:27] It's really dumb.

[16:28] Which is actually, like, not a million miles away from the original story.

[16:33] Except the original story has to deal with trying to ruin the honor of an aristocrat,

[16:37] whereas this has to do with the fight over plans for magic airships

[16:41] that shoot cannons and flame.

[16:43] True.

[16:44] Which are also both the best and worst thing about the movie,

[16:46] which we can talk about at some point.

[16:47] But there are a lot of very long scenes,

[16:49] of the villains plotting with each other,

[16:51] that break up the action scenes interminably.

[16:54] The musketeers go to France,

[16:56] the musketeers come back,

[16:57] there's an airship battle,

[16:59] there's a very long sword fight between

[17:01] Mad About Mad's Mickelson

[17:02] and Shia, Zach Arafan guy.

[17:08] D'Artagnan.

[17:09] D'Artagnan!

[17:10] And there's a girl that D'Artagnan's in love with,

[17:15] and they kiss or whatever.

[17:16] She turns out to be one of the ladies-in-waiting

[17:18] to the...

[17:19] The Queen of...

[17:20] The Queen of Austria.

[17:20] Oh, man.

[17:22] It's really...

[17:23] So much court intrigue.

[17:24] Yeah, there's a lot of twists and turns

[17:25] that are all equally boring.

[17:27] There's a weird chunk in the middle

[17:28] where it's just the musketeers kind of following around

[17:32] the King of England, or King of France,

[17:35] and he's wearing this really weird hat.

[17:36] No, understandable error,

[17:38] because as you said,

[17:39] everyone has an English accent,

[17:41] even though this is in France.

[17:42] Everyone has an English accent,

[17:44] other than Mirjeljevic, who has an American accent,

[17:46] and Christoph Waltz, who has his Christoph Waltz accent.

[17:49] Yeah.

[17:49] Christoph Waltz plays Cardinal Richelieu,

[17:51] and it's maybe...

[17:52] If you saw...

[17:53] The most Germanic Cardinal Richelieu.

[17:55] But if you saw Inglourious Bastards,

[17:57] and I'm sure you did,

[17:58] I'm sure one of the things that struck you

[17:59] as it struck me was,

[18:00] I've never seen this guy before in anything,

[18:03] but he's amazing.

[18:04] Like, this guy is fantastic in every scene,

[18:06] Christoph Waltz.

[18:07] He's great.

[18:08] He should be in so many more movies.

[18:10] Like, he's fantastic.

[18:11] And then you see this...

[18:12] Movies like The Green Hornet.

[18:13] Movies like The Green Hornet and The Three Musketeers.

[18:14] And you see The Three Musketeers,

[18:16] and you're like,

[18:16] this is the worst actor I think I've ever seen in my life.

[18:19] He's really bad.

[18:20] He's like sleepwalking through the entire role.

[18:23] Whereas Orlando Bloom is chewing up the scenery

[18:26] and spitting it out.

[18:28] Orlando Bloom...

[18:29] Who put a nickel in that guy?

[18:30] It's like every scene...

[18:33] It's like, no one thought I could do it,

[18:34] but I can.

[18:35] Check it out.

[18:36] Check me out.

[18:37] Orlando Bloom seems to think

[18:39] that he is the star of the movie

[18:40] and is just like cutting loose.

[18:42] It's an Orlando Bloom we've never seen before.

[18:45] He put a pompadour on Orlando Bloom.

[18:47] Apparently he becomes 20 times...

[18:49] That's even more interesting.

[18:49] Yeah.

[18:50] Yeah, he was great.

[18:52] He has a goatee,

[18:53] and it's almost enough to make me think

[18:54] that Orlando Bloom's evil twin filled in for him

[18:57] and was just like,

[18:58] well, an actor I shall be.

[19:00] The play is the thing.

[19:04] Time to ruin his reputation.

[19:06] By overacting.

[19:08] But the main plot of this movie

[19:10] is about trying to steal a necklace

[19:13] and plant some love letters

[19:16] so as to ruin the budding relationship

[19:19] between the king of France

[19:20] and the queen of Austria.

[19:21] And I'm not sure how that helps England

[19:24] since, in the end,

[19:26] the true power seems to belong

[19:28] to the people with airships,

[19:29] and I don't know how breaking up

[19:31] this relationship affects

[19:32] who controls the airships.

[19:33] Well, I...

[19:34] I guess what it is is that...

[19:35] They lose faith in the king,

[19:36] is what they said,

[19:37] and then Cardinal Richelieu

[19:38] swoops in and takes over.

[19:39] Wait, but they lose faith in the king

[19:41] for being cuckolded?

[19:42] I don't.

[19:43] Like, that's not really how royalty works.

[19:45] Yeah.

[19:46] Yeah.

[19:47] It would just mean that, like,

[19:48] he would...

[19:49] He would kill the queen of Austria

[19:52] or whatever.

[19:52] He'd find a new girl.

[19:52] Like, it's just the king of France.

[19:53] He's probably banging, like,

[19:54] 18 broads.

[19:55] Hey, oh!

[19:56] I mean, he's a stallion.

[19:57] As I was saying that,

[19:59] I was confused by...

[20:00] Oh, and the French king in the movie

[20:01] is a dandy.

[20:02] Like, he's a dandy-ish guy

[20:03] who only cares about his clothes.

[20:05] Well, also,

[20:06] at the beginning of this movie,

[20:07] the Duke of Buckingham

[20:09] reveals himself as the bad guy,

[20:11] and then later on,

[20:12] he's, like, traipsing around,

[20:13] hanging out with the king of France,

[20:15] and the musketeers are never like,

[20:17] hey, this fucker's the guy who stole...

[20:19] Who stole the airship from us

[20:20] at the beginning of the movie.

[20:20] He probably has diplomatic immunity.

[20:22] They never...

[20:22] So what they need to say was,

[20:24] your diplomatic immunity

[20:25] is about to be revoked,

[20:27] and then shoot him.

[20:27] Yeah.

[20:28] Case closed.

[20:29] I'm glad they're giving him warning.

[20:31] Yeah, that's...

[20:32] Like, so he can make plans.

[20:33] Other...

[20:34] Yes.

[20:35] Like, so if you want to get a lawyer,

[20:37] that's okay.

[20:38] Bang.

[20:39] I guess what really happened

[20:42] is that they took

[20:44] The Three Musketeers,

[20:45] a solid story

[20:46] that has survived

[20:47] many film adaptations.

[20:48] It's been around

[20:49] for 150 years,

[20:50] and decided to fill it

[20:52] with a bunch of steampunk spy nonsense,

[20:54] and that warped and twisted

[20:57] and distorted the story,

[20:58] so that things that were

[21:00] of paramount importance

[21:01] in the original story

[21:02] seemed trivial,

[21:04] when it's like if you set...

[21:07] It's like if you tried to set the story

[21:09] during World War II,

[21:10] and it was like,

[21:11] we've got to get those letters

[21:13] and the necklace back,

[21:15] or the atomic bomb

[21:17] might be dropped on us,

[21:18] and then they're dropping

[21:18] atomic bombs on each other.

[21:20] It's like, well, the necklace

[21:21] and the letters really didn't have...

[21:22] It really didn't mean very much,

[21:23] did they?

[21:24] Once you introduce airships...

[21:26] After airships are involved,

[21:28] you're not going to care about

[21:29] where some jewelry is.

[21:30] And it's one of the things

[21:31] where it's like,

[21:31] if the movie had only chosen

[21:33] to be either faithful to the story

[21:35] or totally over-the-top stupid

[21:37] and bombastic,

[21:37] it could have been a lot of fun.

[21:39] Because by the end,

[21:40] when the villain airship arrives,

[21:42] and it's got this huge...

[21:43] The figurehead on the front

[21:45] is literally like a Grim Reaper

[21:47] with a cross,

[21:48] and a bishop's hat.

[21:50] With busty, dark Tanyan's

[21:52] love interest strapped to it.

[21:54] It's like an awesome album cover.

[21:56] Yeah, it's like a heavy metal album cover.

[21:58] Come to life.

[21:59] If the movie lived up to that one shot,

[22:02] it would be a very fun movie.

[22:03] But instead, it's like

[22:04] these long stretches of dialogue

[22:06] where you can't...

[22:08] It's really boring.

[22:08] It's supposed to be faux witty,

[22:10] but it's not witty at all.

[22:12] Mila Jovovich has a lot of screen time

[22:15] for a character who is not

[22:16] very important to the plot

[22:17] when it comes down to it.

[22:18] Yeah, one of the things

[22:19] that I hated in terms of the...

[22:22] In terms of endearment?

[22:23] In terms of the weird updating

[22:25] of this movie was...

[22:27] I felt it brought the whole movie down.

[22:28] Was a scene where Mila Jovovich

[22:31] was playing the cat burglar character,

[22:34] trying to steal the necklace

[22:35] in the first place,

[22:36] and they're like,

[22:37] okay, we can't have lasers

[22:40] back at this time,

[22:41] so what we're gonna do is

[22:42] she's gonna throw her ribbon

[22:44] out in the air,

[22:45] and instead of being cut apart by lasers,

[22:47] it's gonna be cut apart

[22:48] by razor-sharp wires

[22:50] that are strung up like lasers,

[22:52] and she's still gonna have to do

[22:54] that stupid fucking thing

[22:55] that happens in movies nowadays

[22:56] where she acrobatics her way

[22:58] through the wires.

[23:00] Does some capoeira and dances through them all?

[23:02] I don't think it was capoeira.

[23:04] It was more like one leap.

[23:05] Yeah.

[23:06] But it's also like

[23:07] there's this long cat burglar sequence

[23:09] where she's like fighting guys

[23:11] and sneaking through passages,

[23:12] and it's like it feels like

[23:14] they tried to Ocean's Eleven up

[23:16] Three Musketeers,

[23:18] like they had very little faith

[23:20] in the material,

[23:20] so they're like,

[23:21] let's put some sneaky spy robbery scenes

[23:25] in this.

[23:25] It was,

[23:26] they,

[23:28] Yeah, and I mean,

[23:29] it was all very unnecessary.

[23:30] We've already brought up

[23:31] that the guy who made the movie

[23:33] is married to Mia Jovovich,

[23:36] or Miovovich, whatever.

[23:37] So yeah.

[23:39] Milaj Ovovich.

[23:40] She's gonna put her in the movie a shitload.

[23:42] Yeah.

[23:43] Or else when they get home,

[23:44] she's gonna be mean to him.

[23:46] Wow.

[23:48] That's what I assume married life is like.

[23:50] You're married.

[23:51] Like, you should know what married life is like.

[23:53] Still learning.

[23:54] Still gets all his information from the Lockhorns.

[23:56] Yep.

[23:57] From Andy Cap.

[23:59] That man has a rolling pin

[24:04] hovering behind his head at all times.

[24:05] I just imagine Stuart coming home now

[24:07] with a cap over his eyes going,

[24:08] oh, love, oh,

[24:10] I didn't mean to stay at the pub all night, love.

[24:12] Selling hot fries,

[24:13] doing all kinds of shit.

[24:15] So do you think in Andy Cap

[24:17] he's a hot fry salesman?

[24:18] Yeah, yeah.

[24:18] Well, he's both a spokesperson.

[24:21] So he walks through the streets of London

[24:23] going, hot fries, hot fries,

[24:25] get your hot fries.

[24:26] I mean, he almost doesn't even have to say it anymore

[24:27] because people recognize him from the packaging.

[24:29] Well, that's what I'm wondering.

[24:30] In that universe,

[24:30] how is he famous enough

[24:32] that he puts himself on the packaging?

[24:34] Oh, well, because it's his company.

[24:35] But it seems like a...

[24:38] When Henry Ford named his company Ford,

[24:40] it's not like people are like,

[24:41] oh, yeah, Ford should use that name

[24:43] because he's famous.

[24:44] You get famous from putting your name on the packaging.

[24:45] Now, are you arguing that he's not like,

[24:47] that he doesn't...

[24:48] He doesn't show the wealth

[24:49] of being a popular hot fry salesman?

[24:51] I don't think he's that wealthy from the hot fries.

[24:53] I think he gets by.

[24:54] Hot fries are pretty expensive to make.

[24:56] He also spends a lot of money on booze.

[24:58] He spends all his money on pints down to the bottom.

[25:00] The profit margin is razor thin,

[25:01] and that all goes into drink.

[25:03] Yeah.

[25:04] No wonder his wife is mad at him all the time.

[25:06] Because, I mean,

[25:06] I don't know if you guys have tasted hot fries,

[25:08] but they use only the finest ingredients.

[25:10] The margin is really low.

[25:12] Yeah, it's organic and artisanal,

[25:15] those Andy Cap hot fries.

[25:17] That's why they sell them

[25:18] in vending machines.

[25:18] They use only the finest hot

[25:22] when making those.

[25:23] The finest hot

[25:24] and the purest bread fry.

[25:26] Only free-range pure bread fry.

[25:28] There's a lot of giant models

[25:31] in this movie.

[25:32] In Andy Cap's hot fries?

[25:33] No, in the movie we watched.

[25:35] You mean like Tyra Banks?

[25:36] No, no, like,

[25:38] wait, she's giant?

[25:39] She's like 30 feet tall.

[25:41] Okay.

[25:42] Statuesque is the word you're looking for.

[25:44] Yeah, she's a statue.

[25:45] Well, there's a lot of small statues

[25:47] in this movie.

[25:48] Yeah, one of the things I liked about it

[25:50] was when they segue between locations.

[25:52] They don't do it enough.

[25:53] They would turn into like

[25:54] a model map with model cities

[25:56] and the camera would zoom over.

[25:58] Yeah, it was like a 3D version

[26:00] of an old-timey map.

[26:02] Yeah, or like a risk board.

[26:03] Well, they did that early on

[26:05] and then they stopped doing it.

[26:06] Yeah, and I don't know why they stopped.

[26:07] Well, they didn't go to

[26:08] many other countries after, you know.

[26:09] Just England.

[26:11] Okay, sorry.

[26:13] I mean, that's one.

[26:15] That's not many.

[26:17] One thing I liked about this movie

[26:19] is how well-defined

[26:21] all the different characters were.

[26:22] I mean...

[26:23] Well, they all had one personality trait.

[26:24] I detect sarcasm there, Dan.

[26:26] You have a finely-tuned ear, Stuart,

[26:29] because I was intending

[26:31] complete sincerity.

[26:33] Musket ear?

[26:33] Now that you say it,

[26:36] it does seem that

[26:37] Athos,

[26:39] what was he known for?

[26:41] He was either...

[26:42] Is he the religious one?

[26:43] He was either religious.

[26:44] He's the boss.

[26:44] Athos is the leader.

[26:46] He has no business.

[26:46] If you ask who's the boss,

[26:47] you'd say he's the boss.

[26:48] So he's like generally

[26:50] dour and sober-minded

[26:52] and glum.

[26:53] So he's the Dan.

[26:53] Porthos was the muscular...

[26:57] Kind of awesome one.

[26:58] Yeah, the lover of life,

[26:59] the Stuart.

[27:00] That's the Stuart.

[27:01] And Aramis was the religious one.

[27:03] So me, obviously.

[27:04] I'm thinking you're more of a D'Artagnan.

[27:07] And D'Artagnan was the irritating one.

[27:09] I'm the cocky young asshole

[27:09] that nobody likes.

[27:10] Irritates everybody.

[27:12] The guy who comes into town,

[27:13] pisses off the three musketeers,

[27:15] and then...

[27:17] Somehow worms his way

[27:19] into their affections

[27:20] by virtue of being less evil

[27:23] than the evil people.

[27:24] And bags the busty broad.

[27:25] So it is me, I guess.

[27:26] Yeah, that was great.

[27:28] I love how at the very end of the movie,

[27:30] the guy who D'Artagnan picked a fight with,

[27:33] played by Mads Mikkelsen,

[27:35] they're getting in this sword fight and...

[27:38] You may know him as Citrone

[27:39] from Flame and Citrone.

[27:40] Yeah, or One-Eye.

[27:40] The most expensive movie in Danish history.

[27:42] And the three of us...

[27:44] Or One-Eye from the three musketeers.

[27:47] You may know him from the three musketeers.

[27:49] He played Rockfort from The Cheese Corridor.

[27:52] You know him as Bleedy Face from Casino Royale.

[27:54] Le Chiffre.

[27:55] Yeah, Bleedy Face.

[27:56] And the three of us the whole time

[27:59] were kind of rooting for the villain to...

[28:01] Because he was way better.

[28:02] Yeah.

[28:03] You have this...

[28:04] An eyepatch.

[28:04] An eyepatch, a ponytail.

[28:06] He was not irritating as shit.

[28:09] Like, he was way better.

[28:10] He kind of just shut up and did his thing.

[28:12] I got to assume he designed that airship

[28:14] with that bitching mast.

[28:15] Yeah.

[28:16] Or bitching figurehead.

[28:17] Yeah, I mean, I'm assuming he insisted on that.

[28:19] Yeah.

[28:19] I assume he sketched it in the margin of his math notebook.

[28:22] Then he showed it to the engineers

[28:24] and he said, put this on the front.

[28:25] Put this on the front and tie a babe to it.

[28:29] Well, he didn't say that.

[28:30] He had to wait for them to stop oohing and aahing over it.

[28:33] He's like, yeah, it's whatever.

[28:35] It's nothing.

[28:35] I just scribbled it out.

[28:36] Whatever.

[28:36] Anyway.

[28:37] You're a really good drawer.

[28:38] No, no, I'm all right.

[28:39] I'm all right.

[28:40] It's all about shading.

[28:41] Can you drawer something on the front of my notebook?

[28:45] Yeah, yeah.

[28:46] How about, you know,

[28:47] like a motorcycle driven by a skeleton?

[28:50] Oh, that'd be awesome.

[28:51] I forgot to mention the ending of the movie.

[28:54] Orlando Bloom disappears for roughly 100 hours of the film.

[28:57] And then at the very end,

[28:59] Mila Jovovich has been,

[29:01] she tried to sneak away and escape.

[29:04] She was captured by the Three Musketeers

[29:05] and then she jumped overboard off of their airship

[29:08] over the ocean.

[29:09] She surely did.

[29:10] A couple hundred feet.

[29:11] Yeah, at least.

[29:12] Into the icy waters of whatever.

[29:16] The Bryce Channel.

[29:17] At the very end of the movie,

[29:18] she wakes up.

[29:19] Orlando Bloom has rescued her from the English Channel

[29:22] and he says,

[29:23] we're going back to France to get what's mine.

[29:26] And you pull back,

[29:27] they're in a fleet of ships,

[29:28] an armada.

[29:29] You pull back even further,

[29:30] they've got an armada of airships floating above them,

[29:33] which begs the question,

[29:34] why the shit does he care about those other two airships

[29:37] if there's like a hundred airships that he has?

[29:39] He wants D'Artagnan back.

[29:41] Oh, did he fall in love with D'Artagnan?

[29:43] Yes.

[29:43] Oh, okay.

[29:44] So the whole thing is to show up forced together.

[29:46] First to get him back.

[29:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[29:48] We haven't mentioned now,

[29:49] there's a fourth musketeer character,

[29:51] not an official musketeer,

[29:52] who is a-

[29:53] I mean, wouldn't he be the fifth musketeer at this point?

[29:55] Well, when D'Artagnan comes in,

[29:56] he bumps him down to five.

[29:57] Okay.

[29:57] He is a fat guy who takes care of the musketeers,

[30:00] is their housekeeper and cook and steward and butler,

[30:03] and they treat him like garbage.

[30:06] Yeah.

[30:07] And they're mean to him for no reason.

[30:09] All he wants to do is be their friend and help them out.

[30:12] They do nothing but shit all over him.

[30:14] He's kind of a Phillips,

[30:16] Seymour Hoffman and Twister character.

[30:18] Or a Phillips, Seymour Hoffman and Boogie Nights character.

[30:21] Or a Phillips, Seymour Hoffman and Magnolia character.

[30:24] An early Phillips, Seymour Hoffman,

[30:26] not a late period Phillips, Seymour Hoffman.

[30:27] But it's one of those things where like,

[30:28] if he was really clumsy or like a big buffoon,

[30:31] you could almost understand it,

[30:32] but he's not.

[30:33] He just happens to be fat.

[30:34] He seems to be a fairly capable guy.

[30:36] He has a key role in kidnapping Mia Jovovich later in the film.

[30:40] And if this were a Wushu Kung Fu movie,

[30:43] they, he,

[30:46] his character would be called fatty or fatso and they would treat him the

[30:50] exact same way.

[30:51] Yes.

[30:51] So he would be oddly fitting in that case.

[30:53] Except that there,

[30:54] it would be so ridiculously over the top.

[30:58] Because he would be a fat and clumsy and stupid.

[31:00] He would be super clumsy,

[31:01] super,

[31:01] and there,

[31:02] in that kind of movie,

[31:03] the question is always,

[31:04] why do they keep this idiot around?

[31:05] Since all he does is screw things up.

[31:07] Whereas Three Musketeers,

[31:08] he literally takes care of them all the time.

[31:11] He's like the Alice from the Brady Bunch to their Three Musketeers.

[31:14] He does not make any mistakes or errors.

[31:16] A fan.

[31:17] Except he's like kind of loud when he talks sometimes.

[31:19] And at one point he's airsick while he's on an airship.

[31:23] He's literally one of maybe the first seven people to ever have been on an airship.

[31:27] True.

[31:27] There's no way to prepare him for this experience.

[31:29] And he goes,

[31:30] I hate air travel.

[31:31] Which is the dumbest line.

[31:33] Because he should still be in awe of the fact that he is hundreds of feet above the ground.

[31:37] Yes.

[31:38] Floating through the air like a bird.

[31:39] Yes.

[31:40] I mean,

[31:41] I've had new experiences where I go from awe to dislike very quickly.

[31:44] But you're a glum bastard.

[31:46] Yeah, sure.

[31:46] But it's just,

[31:48] it's one of those things where to build up,

[31:50] it never helps build up a group of heroes if you give them a fat guy that they taunt for the entire movie for no reason.

[31:57] Well,

[31:57] to make them look like bullies.

[31:59] Okay.

[32:00] Like cocksure bully assholes.

[32:02] It's a taunting based friendship on all sides though.

[32:05] But like they taunt,

[32:06] when the Musketeers taunt each other,

[32:07] it's like,

[32:08] oh,

[32:08] well,

[32:09] I'll,

[32:09] let's fence if you think you have the guts.

[32:12] Oh,

[32:12] no,

[32:13] you're the one who will be soiling his britches.

[32:16] It's taught like they know that they have a mutual respect for each other,

[32:19] so it's okay.

[32:20] But they have no respect for fat.

[32:21] So like,

[32:22] they're just mean to him.

[32:23] The undercurrent of every insult is you suck.

[32:26] You're so lucky.

[32:27] We let you hang around with us and clean up our fucking shit.

[32:31] Yeah.

[32:31] Oh,

[32:32] fatty,

[32:33] you're the fattest.

[32:33] But it's just,

[32:37] it makes the character seem like bullies.

[32:39] D'Artagnan's an asshole.

[32:40] He gets the last line of the movie.

[32:41] I think he does.

[32:43] Well,

[32:43] that's the other thing is the,

[32:44] the caring food on both.

[32:46] On both shoulders.

[32:47] Before the to be continued scene that sets up the movie for a sequel.

[32:49] He likes food.

[32:50] How do you think it got that way,

[32:52] Dan?

[32:52] That's logic.

[32:55] The musketeers say all for one and one for all.

[32:58] Their classic motto,

[32:59] movie should end right there.

[33:01] Instead,

[33:01] it holds on them for a second and then fatty walks up and starts talking and they all walk

[33:05] away in disgust.

[33:07] And fatty,

[33:09] like.

[33:10] Fatty,

[33:10] you ruined the end of the movie.

[33:11] And that's the end of the movie.

[33:13] Good work.

[33:14] The end of the movie is not this heroic,

[33:16] image of solidarity among heroes.

[33:18] It is fatty making them all mad for some reason.

[33:22] And then he wanders off with like a giant fish on his arm because he's about to eat

[33:26] it,

[33:27] I guess.

[33:27] Well,

[33:28] it doesn't need to be repaired.

[33:29] Like Heathcliff,

[33:29] he's just going to dip it into his mouth and pull out a skeleton with a head on

[33:33] it.

[33:33] He's got a,

[33:37] he's got a real joie de vivre.

[33:39] He enjoys life.

[33:40] This is also after the,

[33:42] uh,

[33:42] Richelieu is behind the whole plot,

[33:44] but the musketeers,

[33:45] in order to,

[33:46] in order to free themselves from,

[33:48] I guess,

[33:48] getting in trouble,

[33:49] make it look like Richelieu was behind the uncovering of the evil plot.

[33:52] So the movie ends with our heroes,

[33:54] the musketeers aiding the cause of an evil man and then making fun of a fat guy.

[33:59] Yeah.

[34:00] An evil man who gives a final threatening speech to them while holding up his

[34:04] skirts with one hand,

[34:06] because he's wearing cardinal robes.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:08] Well,

[34:10] so intimidating,

[34:11] a classic of literature.

[34:12] Yeah.

[34:13] I don't think we got across how boring most of the movie is.

[34:15] It's super boring.

[34:16] There's a lot of people talking about their motives and,

[34:20] uh,

[34:21] talking about stealing jewelry and it doesn't really matter.

[34:24] They,

[34:24] everyone explains what they're going to do in elaborate detail.

[34:28] Then they do it and then they explain to everybody what they just did.

[34:31] It is ridiculous.

[34:33] Uh,

[34:34] I think it's time to give a render our final judgments.

[34:36] Um,

[34:37] Oh,

[34:38] also I would just mention this was one of Quentin Tarantino's top 10 movies of

[34:40] the year,

[34:41] according to his list.

[34:42] Yeah.

[34:42] I think that that's loyalty to Christoph Waltz.

[34:45] Um,

[34:46] and nothing else green Hornet wasn't on the list.

[34:48] I think he liked green Hornet.

[34:50] Maybe it wasn't on the top list,

[34:51] but anyway,

[34:53] uh,

[34:53] it was in a private conversation.

[34:55] Was this a

[34:56] you call him Quint?

[34:58] You don't call him Tintar.

[35:00] No,

[35:00] he likes it.

[35:01] He likes it.

[35:02] Cause he's such a jaw.

[35:03] Hey,

[35:05] that's my friend Tino.

[35:06] When Tino was this a good bad movie,

[35:10] a bad,

[35:10] bad movie or movie you kind of liked Elliot,

[35:12] I'm going to go to you.

[35:13] I would call this a bad,

[35:16] bad movie.

[35:16] That could have been a good,

[35:17] bad movie.

[35:18] There are some scenes in it that are ridiculously silly and show an over,

[35:23] over the top style that could have been dumb and a lot of fun,

[35:26] but instead it was got just got bogged down and boring.

[35:29] So it's a bad,

[35:30] bad movie,

[35:31] but it had potential that was lost.

[35:33] I would say,

[35:35] let's do what you say.

[35:36] Yeah,

[35:36] I'm going to,

[35:37] I'm going to agree with Elliot.

[35:38] It's really,

[35:38] really on the fence there.

[35:39] I think if we'd had a little bit more of my,

[35:42] and I think Elliot's favorite character in the movie,

[35:44] and I think you liked him too.

[35:46] The sad bluesy guitar riff that they would play every time there was a sad scene.

[35:51] We didn't mention that the score of the movie is mostly like rousing bombastic normal movie score.

[35:57] Or like goofy like.

[35:59] Or like doo doo doo,

[35:59] like the kind of music you would hear in the background of like a,

[36:02] like a goofy kid's adventure,

[36:05] I guess.

[36:06] Or a cartoon of some kind.

[36:08] But then occasionally you'd get that like,

[36:09] yeah,

[36:12] it's the music that like the hardboiled detective would hear whenever Murtaugh shows up.

[36:17] Yeah.

[36:18] Yeah,

[36:18] exactly.

[36:18] It's Murtaugh's theme.

[36:19] When the,

[36:20] when the hero of to live and die in LA is staring out over the rooftops of the city.

[36:24] Like that's the music that plays in the three musketeers movie.

[36:27] You want a little more of that?

[36:30] Yeah.

[36:31] If I'd got a little more of that,

[36:32] it would have been a great good movie.

[36:34] It reminds me of the movie 300,

[36:36] which I enjoyed because it's totally stupid.

[36:38] And there's a,

[36:39] there's a moment when they're fighting.

[36:42] And I remember seeing the theater going like,

[36:43] why is there not an electric guitar playing right now?

[36:46] And then the guitar kicked in and it was like,

[36:48] Oh,

[36:48] okay,

[36:49] good.

[36:49] They finally realized there is no reason in a movie this dumb to pretend that

[36:53] you're going to use music from this time period,

[36:56] you know,

[36:56] or from that,

[36:57] like that general time period of the past.

[37:00] So classical music is okay.

[37:02] Like throw some electric guitar in there.

[37:03] It's totally stupid.

[37:04] English accents check.

[37:05] You got classical music check.

[37:07] It's old timey old timey time.

[37:09] English.

[37:10] Yeah.

[37:10] I say this is a bad,

[37:11] bad movie because it's sandwiches opening and closing scenes of like weird

[37:17] steampunk Kung Fu bullshit versions of three musketeers.

[37:23] And in between it has boring versions of just the three musketeer story that

[37:30] we've all heard several times already.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:32] So we've eaten it.

[37:34] The worst of both worlds.

[37:35] Candy bar form.

[37:36] Yeah.

[37:36] I will.

[37:37] And Stuart,

[37:38] did you say what you said?

[37:39] You,

[37:39] what did you,

[37:39] you say bad,

[37:40] bad also?

[37:40] I say,

[37:41] I think it straddles the lawn.

[37:42] I think there's things about it that were good,

[37:45] bad,

[37:45] but not enough,

[37:46] not enough to make it worth watching.

[37:47] Yeah.

[37:48] I will say one thing that came up while we were watching that I think should be recorded

[37:51] for history in this podcast is,

[37:53] uh,

[37:54] my wish that there is a Danish teen heartthrob magazine that has Mads Mikkelsen on the cover.

[37:59] And the headline is mad for meds.

[38:01] Danish teens are mad for meds.

[38:05] Yeah.

[38:06] I mean,

[38:07] somebody's going to take that idea now,

[38:09] dude.

[38:09] You realize,

[38:09] can you copyright it?

[38:10] I'm just putting it out in the world.

[38:11] It's like my Jerry Cornelius.

[38:13] Just use it for whatever.

[38:14] Public domain automatically.

[38:16] Yeah.

[38:17] Creative commons,

[38:18] everyone.

[38:18] Uh,

[38:20] very creative commons.

[38:21] That's my wiki idea.

[38:22] I'd like to thank,

[38:23] I'd like to,

[38:25] are we in the letters section?

[38:26] We are in the letter section,

[38:28] but first I'd like to thank for donations.

[38:30] I'd like to thank,

[38:32] Hey,

[38:32] he likes donations.

[38:35] I'd like to thank Gina L.

[38:37] Hey,

[38:37] Paul,

[38:38] Michael a,

[38:39] seems greedy to have two first names,

[38:41] but whatever.

[38:42] And,

[38:43] uh,

[38:43] he donated money to the podcast.

[38:46] Dan,

[38:46] why are you biting his hand?

[38:47] No,

[38:47] that's what,

[38:48] that's seriously get that hand out of your mouth.

[38:49] Donate that.

[38:50] That's why they donated.

[38:51] It's like,

[38:51] uh,

[38:52] it's like,

[38:52] uh,

[38:52] Don Rickles.

[38:53] They like the abuse.

[38:54] Oh,

[38:54] okay.

[38:55] That's not true at all.

[38:56] I don't think that's true at all.

[38:57] Flophouse fans write in and say,

[38:58] if you like Dan abusing you when you are so very kind and generous enough to help support

[39:02] us in this endeavor.

[39:03] We appreciate it.

[39:05] Dan doesn't,

[39:05] but we do.

[39:06] So this first letter from the Flophouse mailbag is,

[39:09] Flophouse mailbag,

[39:10] opening the letters,

[39:11] reading them up,

[39:13] replying to them,

[39:14] sending them back.

[39:16] No sender at this address.

[39:18] Where did they move?

[39:20] Find it out.

[39:21] Did they leave a forwarding one?

[39:23] No,

[39:23] they didn't.

[39:24] Track it down.

[39:25] Use the internet.

[39:27] Public databases.

[39:28] I guess I'll pay the membership fee.

[39:30] It's like a man in motion type version of Elliot's song.

[39:34] Time to find them out.

[39:35] Send it back.

[39:37] Last known address was the one,

[39:39] we already sent it to.

[39:40] I guess we'll wait to hear from them.

[39:42] They know where we are.

[39:43] It's weird that the whole premise of this song is like that they're using snail mail

[39:47] when these are all coming in via email,

[39:49] but all right.

[39:50] Not enough postage.

[39:52] Flophouse mailbag.

[39:54] So this first letter.

[39:56] Part two of the song.

[39:58] Okay,

[39:59] we got an idea of where they live now.

[40:01] Send it to them as a package with some Flophouse merchandise.

[40:06] Do we have any?

[40:07] Not yet.

[40:07] I don't understand why.

[40:08] We should.

[40:09] I don't really get on that.

[40:10] We'd say that Elliot's irritating.

[40:11] I don't get where that idea got out there in the world.

[40:15] Well, no, they said my voice was irritating.

[40:17] My personality is also irritating.

[40:19] That's totally different.

[40:21] This letter is titled Boo.

[40:23] Ah!

[40:24] Oh, God.

[40:24] It's the scariest letter I've ever heard.

[40:28] Wait, wait, wait.

[40:29] This letter's titled Boo.

[40:30] Oh.

[40:32] I mean, that's.

[40:33] I mean, at least I know there's not a ghost writing us letters.

[40:35] And it says, did Dan just recommend real steel?

[40:38] He totally did.

[40:39] He totally did.

[40:39] The movie with the dancing kid who programs robots to dance with him

[40:43] as he dances and is very annoying.

[40:45] That sounds pretty great, actually.

[40:46] They should have called it Robo Dance.

[40:48] Is it because of the buttitude of that mechanic girl

[40:51] who walks around in skimpy clothes?

[40:53] Because I'm pretty sure.

[40:54] Dave didn't even mention that.

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:55] Because I'm pretty sure her butt isn't even married

[40:57] and as such should prove of no interest to Dan.

[41:00] I'd reluctantly agree.

[41:01] Very good.

[41:02] Very good Flophouse continuity callback.

[41:04] Dan is only interested in the butts of married women.

[41:06] I'd reluctantly agree to a spookily good,

[41:09] bad for this,

[41:09] but a recommendation really steams my cheese.

[41:12] Boo.

[41:12] The rest is okay.

[41:13] We'll never listen again.

[41:15] All the best.

[41:15] Really?

[41:16] Wow.

[41:16] Peter last name felt.

[41:19] So the steel was not that real is what he's saying.

[41:22] Well, no, I gotta, I gotta say I, in my defense,

[41:24] I was recommending three movies very quickly that day.

[41:27] Yeah.

[41:27] To, to, in your defense,

[41:28] you were recommending just movies you would happen to watch

[41:30] on an airplane recently.

[41:31] They were, those were qualified recommendations.

[41:33] I had a shorter period of time and I did in fact think to myself,

[41:37] should I mention,

[41:39] that there is a very shitty aspect of the movie,

[41:41] which is the kid dancing and the robot dancing along with it.

[41:44] And why didn't you mention that there's a very shapely aspect

[41:46] to the movie?

[41:47] I mean, I didn't,

[41:49] I didn't find it as butt,

[41:50] buttitudinal as this,

[41:53] Calipigian.

[41:54] Gentle, gentleman did.

[41:55] That's correct for term is Calipigian.

[41:57] Evangeline Lilly plays the mechanic.

[42:00] You may remember as Kate from Lost.

[42:02] Is she from Neon Genesis Evangelion?

[42:04] Yes.

[42:05] Yes.

[42:05] Is that the one where the,

[42:08] the spaceship,

[42:09] ships transform into robots and use songs as weapons?

[42:11] And against aliens who are also angels somehow.

[42:13] Okay.

[42:14] Japan.

[42:14] But I want to make it,

[42:16] I want to make it clear that I also was irritated by the dancing robot,

[42:20] but,

[42:21] because you hate joy.

[42:22] I'm not,

[42:23] I'm not a single issue voter.

[42:24] All right.

[42:24] What about this scene in short circuit two where he dances with the little

[42:27] short circuit robots?

[42:28] That's pretty awesome.

[42:28] Okay, good.

[42:30] As long as you're not against all dancing robots.

[42:32] Yeah.

[42:32] This second email is titled three questions for the flop house.

[42:38] House cat.

[42:39] I can eat.

[42:41] Okay.

[42:41] I hope the answer is dear flop house.

[42:43] House cat.

[42:44] Wow.

[42:45] Wow.

[42:46] Wow.

[42:47] Wow.

[42:48] Wow.

[42:49] One.

[42:50] Wow.

[42:52] Wow.

[42:53] Wow.

[42:54] Wow.

[42:54] Is this really going to do?

[42:58] Okay.

[42:59] This is what we're doing now.

[43:01] Are we,

[43:02] is this the killing time?

[43:03] I guess.

[43:04] Are we short this weekend?

[43:08] And three.

[43:10] Sincerely,

[43:14] Eric S.

[43:15] Dan,

[43:15] have you ever heard what a cat sounds like?

[43:17] Look,

[43:18] I'm just reading the email.

[43:19] It wasn't me.

[43:20] Charlie Brown's mom.

[43:21] That sounded like Charlie Brown's cat.

[43:23] So those are three questions for the flop house.

[43:26] House cat.

[43:26] Okay.

[43:27] Um,

[43:27] looks like he's going to answer them all.

[43:30] Uh,

[43:31] I guess that's all.

[43:35] Okay.

[43:35] Yeah.

[43:35] That covers everything.

[43:36] I think.

[43:36] Fair enough.

[43:37] Uh,

[43:38] he's leaving.

[43:39] He just left on a skateboard with a slingshot hanging out of his back pocket.

[43:42] After,

[43:43] after spraying his urine all over us.

[43:46] But in a cool way.

[43:47] Uh,

[43:49] this,

[43:50] he gave us a hang 10 signal while he was spraying us with his urine.

[43:53] This email is titled no more mournful size.

[43:57] And it goes,

[43:59] dear floppers,

[44:00] there shall be no more mournful size from Dan when he finds out the entirety of the seminal epic and classic.

[44:08] Classic movie hots is now available on YouTube and there's a YouTube link and uh,

[44:16] he says now the cinematic masterpiece can be known to all with a simple interweb connection.

[44:21] Yours.

[44:22] Flop.

[44:22] Lee Chris last name with hots PS flop house.

[44:26] House cat should be spayed and or neutered for his,

[44:29] her own protection.

[44:30] Yeah.

[44:31] Yeah.

[44:31] He,

[44:31] it's too late.

[44:32] Yeah.

[44:33] He has already littered America with his litter.

[44:35] I did.

[44:36] I didn't check on this language.

[44:37] I'll put,

[44:38] I'll stick on the,

[44:38] uh,

[44:39] the webpage for,

[44:40] for,

[44:40] uh,

[44:41] reference,

[44:42] not for masturbation.

[44:43] No,

[44:44] I was,

[44:45] I was curious.

[44:46] I at how hard it would make you.

[44:48] No,

[44:50] I know.

[44:51] I know.

[44:51] I've seen hots before.

[44:52] I'm,

[44:53] I'm familiar with ladies already seen it all.

[44:55] Uh,

[44:56] but their blouses bag.

[44:58] No,

[44:58] they try.

[44:59] I've seen everything.

[45:01] Uh,

[45:02] no,

[45:03] it's,

[45:03] I was surprised to find that,

[45:05] uh,

[45:05] YouTube apparently is now just allowing,

[45:08] uh,

[45:08] these TNA films to be,

[45:10] uh,

[45:11] uploaded unedited.

[45:12] It's just totally uncut.

[45:13] Yeah,

[45:13] no,

[45:14] the,

[45:14] the topless,

[45:15] uh,

[45:15] football,

[45:16] um,

[45:17] game from the end of hots is now is,

[45:20] is intact.

[45:21] Yeah.

[45:21] I think that falls under fair use for news.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:24] That's why they can do that.

[45:25] But,

[45:26] uh,

[45:26] that is good news.

[45:27] I don't think it's enough to,

[45:29] to quit me from sign forevermore.

[45:32] No,

[45:33] for that,

[45:33] it would take real good news.

[45:34] By the way,

[45:34] Dan,

[45:34] have you heard the good news?

[45:35] What is it?

[45:37] Hots has risen.

[45:38] Hots has risen.

[45:40] Indeed.

[45:40] Hots is back.

[45:42] Yeah.

[45:43] Uh,

[45:44] but then I,

[45:45] I am,

[45:45] I am excited that that's,

[45:47] uh,

[45:47] freely available to all.

[45:49] Yeah.

[45:49] Finally,

[45:50] finally,

[45:50] that great resource,

[45:52] it'll no longer be hidden behind the cruel lock and key of having to pay for it.

[45:56] If,

[45:58] if you,

[45:58] you don't have to waste,

[46:00] you don't have to waste memory on your smartphone by downloading the movie.

[46:04] You can just watch it directly.

[46:05] I mean,

[46:05] if there are people in the world who are imagining,

[46:07] what,

[46:08] where are people in the world?

[46:10] Now,

[46:10] finally,

[46:10] people in the third world in developing nations only need an internet access to watch Hots.

[46:16] I only hope the Chinese government doesn't block the Hots video the way it has so many

[46:24] other sites.

[46:24] Across the nations,

[46:25] wondering to themselves,

[46:26] what would it be like if there was a football game with women who are topless?

[46:30] Because that is unimaginable.

[46:33] There's no way to see that unless you actually watch it.

[46:36] Hots will solve that issue for them.

[46:37] Now,

[46:38] you know,

[46:38] they will know now.

[46:39] Lastly,

[46:41] though,

[46:41] lastly,

[46:42] email wise,

[46:43] email from Dave,

[46:46] from Dave,

[46:48] Elliot's brother,

[46:48] last name with hell,

[46:49] really another one.

[46:50] It's titled responding to Elliot's mockery.

[46:55] Oh man.

[46:56] See,

[46:56] it's like,

[46:57] it's like a fucking,

[46:58] like a hobo.

[46:59] Like if he comes around,

[47:00] you give him money,

[47:01] he's going to come around to get in the future.

[47:02] Like we should just not make eye contact guys.

[47:06] I mean,

[47:07] I have to make eye contact.

[47:08] I have to make eye contact.

[47:08] I have to make eye contact with my brother at some point.

[47:09] You can probably get around it.

[47:11] All right.

[47:11] He writes,

[47:13] dear flop house gang,

[47:15] my brother made a big point to tell me this past weekend that I should listen to the show

[47:19] because my letter sparked a raucous laughing fit as I became the butt of several jokes.

[47:24] I expected nothing less and was amused that Elliot referred to me as Dickipedia,

[47:29] considering that I've been,

[47:31] that I've been called Davipedia multiple times due to my useless stores of crap.

[47:36] Even though Elliot has far more useless stores of crap.

[47:38] Even though Elliot has far more useless bullshit in his brain than I have in mine.

[47:40] All the Kalen boys are garbage brains.

[47:42] That's true.

[47:43] And I have a lot of garbage in my brain.

[47:44] However,

[47:45] there are a few issues in your discussion.

[47:47] I must take umbrage with,

[47:49] which I'm sure you're all very interested.

[47:51] We know Olivia Wilde was his mother and not his girlfriend.

[47:54] Okay.

[47:55] For one,

[47:56] Elliot said Steve Tisch didn't deserve either.

[47:59] When I noted that he has won both the best picture Oscar and the Superbowl.

[48:02] Well,

[48:03] Elliot might be right on the Oscar assumption as Forrest Gump couldn't have been the best picture with such other stars.

[48:08] A strong candidate says Pulp Fiction,

[48:10] the air up there and the immortal cabin boy all coming out that year.

[48:13] I don't believe the air up there was nominated.

[48:16] Cabin boy was and deserved to win.

[48:18] That said,

[48:19] Chris Elliot earned his best actor Academy Award.

[48:22] The air up there.

[48:24] That said,

[48:25] the 2007 and 2011 New York Giants,

[48:28] of which Steve Tisch was a co-owner,

[48:30] despite underwhelming regular season records,

[48:33] clearly proved on the field in both post seasons.

[48:36] They were absolutely.

[48:38] What is this podcast about?

[48:40] Superbowl champions.

[48:41] Is this a sportscast all of a sudden?

[48:43] Secondly,

[48:44] Andy Rooney is not at all related to the family that owns the Pittsburgh Steelers.

[48:48] Neither is Art Carney.

[48:49] Lastly,

[48:50] when I bring up women I've dated to my brother,

[48:53] he regularly tells me he can't remember who exactly I'm talking about because there's so many of them.

[48:59] Well,

[49:00] that makes my dating life seem far more exciting than it actually is.

[49:04] It does make his comment that I put more effort into emailing the show than I do into dating.

[49:08] Spacious at best.

[49:09] Given that this will almost certainly lead to Elliot making fun of me again.

[49:13] Yes.

[49:14] Rather than an honest heartfelt mea culpa.

[49:17] I'm not entirely sure why I'm sending this email,

[49:19] but I look forward to hearing my brother defend himself.

[49:21] Sincerely,

[49:22] Dave,

[49:23] last name with help.

[49:23] Look,

[49:24] I'm sorry,

[49:25] Dave,

[49:25] that I mocked you.

[49:26] I'm glad that the Flophouse ombudsman wrote in again to remind us what we got wrong about the things we care about the least,

[49:32] by which I mean sports.

[49:34] And no,

[49:36] my brother does have a very active,

[49:38] uh,

[49:39] romantic life.

[49:39] There you go.

[49:40] I've dynamo.

[49:42] I've heard he may have even gotten to the dugout,

[49:45] not first base exactly,

[49:47] but,

[49:47] uh,

[49:48] you know,

[49:48] eventually there with girls.

[49:50] It's kind of,

[49:51] he got walked first base,

[49:52] right?

[49:52] Yeah.

[49:52] It's got to walk to first.

[49:55] He got to walk to first once and he got beamed once.

[49:57] So we sound like a couple of sports.

[50:00] Oh,

[50:01] files.

[50:01] Well,

[50:03] sports maniacs over here,

[50:04] sporting and J sports.

[50:06] No,

[50:06] but yeah,

[50:06] Dave can continue to write in and tell us what we got.

[50:08] We got wrong,

[50:09] uh,

[50:10] in his role as unelected flop house proofreader.

[50:13] I really don't think we should give him any more attention.

[50:16] She's going to keep coming back.

[50:19] Uh,

[50:20] so that was great.

[50:21] We had some laughs over letters.

[50:22] Thanks.

[50:24] L over L for Mr.

[50:26] Summon summarizing.

[50:27] It's a really kind of a lame Batman villain,

[50:30] Mr.

[50:30] Sum it up,

[50:31] but you know,

[50:32] well,

[50:32] Batman,

[50:32] you foiled all my goons and now you're about to beat me up.

[50:36] Oh,

[50:37] you struck again.

[50:38] Mr.

[50:38] Sum it up.

[50:39] You've,

[50:40] you've ruined,

[50:41] you've somehow ruined it.

[50:42] I was,

[50:42] I was really looking forward to it until you spoil.

[50:45] Wait,

[50:47] Batman,

[50:47] before you read that New Yorker article,

[50:50] allow me to explain.

[50:51] Oh,

[50:51] Mr.

[50:52] Sum it up.

[50:52] He lost his face in an electrical accident,

[50:57] but through transplant surgery,

[50:59] they gave him a new one.

[51:00] Well now,

[51:00] why it's even the point of me reading it.

[51:03] Sum it up.

[51:03] Oh,

[51:04] it's kind of like the contest ruiner,

[51:06] but for summarizing,

[51:08] we've never seen them in the same room together,

[51:14] except we have when they teamed up to ruin contests and novels.

[51:18] So this is the,

[51:21] this is the last segment.

[51:22] Everyone's favorite segment by everyone.

[51:25] I mean,

[51:26] no one.

[51:27] Yeah.

[51:27] And why do we keep doing it?

[51:29] Okay.

[51:30] People need a touch of good movie just so that we know they know we don't

[51:34] hate everything.

[51:34] We need to send them out of the podcast singing song,

[51:36] singing a song for the podcast.

[51:38] Yes.

[51:38] A song in their heart,

[51:39] smile on their face,

[51:40] gum in their hair.

[51:41] Oh,

[51:42] so if we talk about something we actually like.

[51:43] Yeah,

[51:44] exactly.

[51:44] Blood on their hands.

[51:45] Blood on the tracks.

[51:47] So,

[51:48] uh,

[51:48] on top of old spaghetti.

[51:49] Made it in America.

[51:54] In a New York minute.

[51:57] Beneath the valley of the ultravictions.

[52:00] Up above buildings.

[52:04] Over the river.

[52:08] I'm not going to play.

[52:08] Through the woods.

[52:09] I'm not playing this game.

[52:10] Under the rainbow.

[52:11] Inside,

[52:13] outside,

[52:14] upside down.

[52:15] Live in La Vida Loca.

[52:16] Beyond the green door.

[52:18] Beyond the green door?

[52:21] Just behind the green door.

[52:22] No,

[52:23] beyond it.

[52:23] Beyond the green door makes it seem like there's a fantasy world behind it.

[52:26] It's like Narnia.

[52:28] Some kind of porn Narnia.

[52:31] Against all odds.

[52:34] Beyond the green door lies enchantment and text beyond your wildest imagination.

[1:00:07] Beyond the green door lies enchantment and text beyond your wildest imagination.

The Flop House: Episode #99 - The Three Musketeers

Transcript

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