The Flop House: Episode #100 - Tango & Cash

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Mr. Tango has spoken very eloquently, and I wish I could be as forgiving, but I can't because this whole thing fucking sucks!

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:48] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:50] And I'm Elliot Kalin, waiting for Stuart to say his name so that I could say it.

Stuart Wellington

[0:54] I was distracted by your headphones.

Dan McCoy

[0:55] You know why it's particularly odd that you forgot to say that?

[0:58] Why is that?

[0:59] It's our 100th episode.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] What a segue!

[1:01] 100 flops, 100 nights, 100 days to have the time of your life, it's the Flophouse number 100!

[1:11] We watched 100 movies.

[1:14] Starring?

Dan McCoy

[1:15] Dan McCoy.

[1:17] Oh, Stuart Wellington.

[1:19] And Elliot Kalin, as Elliot.

[1:21] I mean, we did this part already, but...

[1:22] Oh, right, well, but I didn't get to do my song yet.

[1:26] Yeah, I mean, you know, we're celebrating our 100th episode.

[1:30] It's a big deal.

[1:31] It's a big deal around these parts.

[1:32] I mean, it would be a big deal if we hadn't also done a bunch of movie minutes.

[1:37] Yeah.

[1:38] So, like, our technical 100th thing that we put out was a long time ago.

[1:43] And also, I think...

[1:44] And also, there's some floptaculars, some award floptaculars.

[1:47] Also, we've had a lot of guest spots.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] So, none of...

[1:49] Only Dan, you're the only one who's been in all 100 episodes.

Dan McCoy

[1:52] Yeah.

[1:53] I'm 100 years old, guys.

[1:55] I don't think that's how it works.

[1:57] I don't think that's how it works.

Stuart Wellington

[1:59] So, here's the 200.

[2:00] See you guys later.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] Was that it?

[2:03] Was that the ending?

[2:05] Stuart just...

[2:06] Wait, Stuart just put a nightcap on his head, and now he's crawling up on a tiny bed in a matchbook.

[2:11] It is adorable.

[2:12] It's really cute.

[2:13] I wish all of you could see it.

[2:14] We kind of need to wake him up for the show.

[2:16] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[2:16] Stuart.

[2:17] So, I'm assuming most of the people out there are first-time listeners.

[2:22] And they're like, 100 episodes?

[2:23] What the fuck do they do in those episodes?

Dan McCoy

[2:24] Well, I mean, there are listeners out there who are like, I'm not going to listen to a podcast until it gets to 100 episodes.

[2:29] Has staying power, yeah.

[2:30] I want to make sure this thing is sticking around.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] Until that podcast has syndication potential.

[2:36] I'm not interested.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] Yeah.

[2:38] That's what you need, 100 episodes?

Elliott Kalan

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:40] Well, that was the old standard used to be to get into syndication, it was best to have 100 episodes.

[2:45] Because then you could run it regularly without running the same episodes too many times.

[2:49] Okay.

[2:49] Now plenty of shows that don't have 100 episodes end up in syndication.

Stuart Wellington

[2:53] Yeah, because I think I keep seeing the same episode of Scrubs like every day.

Elliott Kalan

[2:56] Yeah, well, Scrubs, Big Bang Theory, a lot of newer shows are getting in syndication.

[3:01] Sometimes, like in the case of Big Bang Theory, before it's done.

[3:04] Las Vegas.

[3:04] The character named Danny McCoy.

[3:06] Boomtown.

[3:07] Southland Tales.

Dan McCoy

[3:09] That's why Tyler Perry's podcast went into syndication after a week.

[3:13] Because they just like churned those fuckers out.

[3:15] Oh, okay.

[3:15] Churned it out, man.

[3:16] Let's get it.

[3:17] Let's get those numbers up.

[3:19] Get, get, get, get.

[3:20] So what do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[3:22] I'm sorry.

[3:23] It's all about churning numbers.

[3:24] Yeah.

[3:26] This is a podcast about movies.

[3:28] Okay.

[3:29] Where we watch a movie that is perhaps not good.

[3:32] But perhaps very good.

[3:34] Well, they'll get you ahead of yourself.

[3:35] Question mark.

[3:38] But then we discuss it after we've spent a little time together.

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] Now, normally we review movies that have been recently released and are either critical or financial flubs.

[3:47] Yes.

[3:47] Actually both.

[3:49] What do we do this time to mark our special occasion, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[3:52] We watched a movie that has been much discussed in previous episodes, but in passing, not in depth.

[3:59] Okay.

[3:59] And that movie is Tango Ampersand Cash.

[4:02] Yeah.

[4:03] That old favorite.

[4:04] Tango space ampersand space cash.

[4:08] Starring everyone's favorite, Sly Stallone and Kurt Russell.

Elliott Kalan

[4:13] Sly the Pie Stallone and Kurt the Hurt Russell.

[4:18] And who else?

[4:19] Oh, it's an all-star cast.

[4:20] And Jack the Balance Palance.

[4:21] Jack the Balance Hallance.

[4:23] There's Terry the Fairy Hatcher.

[4:26] Yeah.

[4:27] Michael J. Hollard Pollard.

[4:30] Okay.

[4:31] Who else?

[4:31] Come on, give me a go.

[4:33] James Zadar.

[4:33] James Wrong Hong.

Dan McCoy

[4:35] Robert Gabar Zadar.

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] Robert Zadar.

[4:38] And Clint the Flint Howard.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] Oh, wow.

[4:42] Changed it up.

[4:43] Changed it up.

[4:43] Changed off the rhyme scheme in the last...

[4:45] Slightly, yeah.

[4:47] Who else is in the movie?

[4:48] Who else?

[4:48] You got lots of big stars.

Stuart Wellington

[4:50] So the skies were dark where all the stars were in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:54] Yeah, exactly.

[4:55] So, uh...

[4:56] Is that the beginning of George R.R. Martin's review?

[4:59] George R.R. Martin.

[5:01] George R.R. Martin is the character that George R.R. Martin put into his novels after the fact.

Stuart Wellington

[5:06] Everybody hates him.

[5:08] He's super racist.

Dan McCoy

[5:11] He does have a long beard, though.

[5:13] Uh, this is a...

[5:15] This is a tale of...

Elliott Kalan

[5:16] What made us think Tangling Cash?

[5:17] First, before we get into what Tangling Cash is about, for those few members of the audience

[5:21] who have not yet been lucky enough to experience the pure, beautiful perfection that is Tangling

[5:25] Cash...

[5:26] Spoiler alert.

[5:27] What...

[5:27] Why Tangling Cash, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[5:29] Well, I think that for all of us, I think we look at it as the apex of a certain type of

[5:33] 1980s filmmaking.

Elliott Kalan

[5:35] Yes.

[5:36] Some would say the capstone of 80s action filmmaking.

[5:40] In fact, I would say that, and I just did.

Dan McCoy

[5:41] Yeah, and you did while we were watching it, like, four times.

[5:43] Yeah.

[5:43] I just quoted myself.

[5:44] Yeah, I guess saying, ah, the capstone.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] They should have called this movie Tango and Capstone.

[5:49] Capstone.

[5:50] It's a movie...

[5:51] They should have gotten Kate Capshaw and Sharon Stone.

[5:54] Or Capstone, as I call them.

Dan McCoy

[5:57] Solving crimes.

[5:59] Getting into boy trouble.

[6:00] Yeah.

[6:01] It's a movie that seems to have been made by an alien race of moviegoers who all they

[6:08] know about police work has come from 1980s movies, and then they decided to make the ultimate

[6:13] version of that.

Elliott Kalan

[6:14] Well, it's weird, because this seems to be a movie from before irony had infected filmmaking,

[6:20] because watching it, it feels like a comedy about over-the-top action movies, but it is

[6:27] not...

[6:28] Well, I mean...

[6:28] Like, it's a comedy action movie, but it's not meant to be a joke on action movies.

Dan McCoy

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:33] It is supposed to be funny, but it's supposed to be funny in, like...

[6:36] The one-liners are funny.

[6:37] The banter that they're going back and forth, or the fact that Kurt Russell dresses up like

[6:40] a lady at one point.

[6:42] Yeah.

[6:42] But what's actually funny about it is how over-the-top the action cliches are and how unfunny

[6:48] the banter is.

Elliott Kalan

[6:49] But everything about, like, the music is super 80s, the acting is super 80s, the way it

[6:54] looks, the way it moves, the editing, the story, the dialogue.

[6:58] Everything about it is like all the worst things about 1980s movies put together, and they

[7:03] mesh so well together.

[7:05] You know?

Dan McCoy

[7:06] Stuart?

[7:08] I'm just thinking about Tango and Cash.

[7:09] So should we go over what the movie's about?

[7:12] Let's spin a tale.

Stuart Wellington

[7:13] Yeah, so imagine you've never seen Tango and Cash.

[7:16] Elliot's now going to tell you about it.

[7:17] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[7:18] Imagine it's a million years in the future, and the most important movie ever made has been

[7:24] passed down in oral history.

Elliott Kalan

[7:25] Or 23 years in the past when Tango and Cash actually came out.

Dan McCoy

[7:29] No, no, no.

[7:29] I'm saying, like, through the years, Tango and Cash has been told from person to person.

[7:34] Oh, yes.

[7:35] Oh, so it's an oral storytelling thing.

[7:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:38] Well, here's, you ask me why the stars are in the sky and weather happens.

[7:43] Here's a story that I think might explain it.

[7:45] I like it.

[7:46] Thousands of years ago.

[7:47] We're younglings, I'm assuming, at this point.

[7:49] You're younglings.

[7:50] Dan is an old for his age-ling.

[7:52] Sure.

[7:53] But you're a regular youngling.

[7:55] So we open.

[7:57] It's a road outside of Los Angeles where police dynamo Ray Tango, Sylvester Stallone, who you

[8:04] know is kind of a business-like professional type because he wears a three-piece suit and

[8:08] glasses, is driving his car.

[8:10] He is interrupting or continuing the chase of a gasoline truck that he thinks is up to some

[8:17] nefarious business.

[8:19] The truck is being driven by Robert Zadar.

Dan McCoy

[8:22] So he's a villain.

Elliott Kalan

[8:23] Yeah.

[8:24] The man you may know as having a huge face from such movies as Maniac Cop and Soul Taker.

[8:29] And Sylvester Stallone is told, back off from that truck.

[8:32] We're out of our jurisdiction.

[8:33] And he says, no, I've been on this case for three months or something like that.

[8:38] He drives in front of the truck, then gets out of his car and starts standing, just stands

[8:42] in the path of this huge tanker truck, shooting his gun into the windshield.

Dan McCoy

[8:46] Shooting his revolver into the windshield.

[8:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:49] He put special bullets in it, though.

[8:51] I mean.

Dan McCoy

[8:51] I don't know.

[8:51] I still don't think.

[8:52] I don't think they have any.

[8:53] I don't think they are special bullets.

[8:54] I don't think.

[8:54] I mean, like it seems.

Stuart Wellington

[8:55] But he emptied out his gun and put in special bullets.

Dan McCoy

[8:57] I think he just drives out a bunch of ending shells.

[8:59] It seems like his barrel length, at least, should be larger.

[9:02] Well, he's got like a.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] He shoots like a snub nose.

Dan McCoy

[9:04] Yeah.

[9:05] Like he doesn't.

[9:05] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[9:06] Anyway.

[9:06] Especially a movie where later on they're all firing giant ass guns.

Elliott Kalan

[9:09] Well, they have to build up to the guns.

[9:11] You start at 10, you got nowhere left to go.

[9:13] You start at two, and then you work your way up to 10 guns.

Stuart Wellington

[9:16] Yeah, because if he brought out a huge gun, later on people would be like, why is he not

[9:20] just using that big gun again?

Elliott Kalan

[9:21] Exactly.

[9:23] He forces the truck to stop just short of killing him, and the two bad guys driving it fly

[9:29] through the windshield and land at his feet.

[9:30] There's some little homophobic banter between the two of them.

[9:33] The sheriff's department comes over.

[9:35] This is just a normal gasoline truck.

[9:36] What are you doing here, asshole?

[9:38] I need your badge number.

[9:39] And he says something pithy, and then he shoots the tanker, and I guess cocaine falls out?

[9:46] Yeah.

[9:47] And he says, look, it's snowing, and it turns out it's drugs.

[9:50] You want to get high?

[9:51] Yeah, his pithy quip is, anyone want to get high?

[9:57] Ray Tango has done it again.

[9:58] He stopped another huge drug load.

Dan McCoy

[10:00] And then Jack Palance drives by, because apparently...

Elliott Kalan

[10:03] He personally supervises his drug transporting.

[10:05] Yeah, the evil kingpin always just, you know, drives a little bit behind the trucks, keeping

Dan McCoy

[10:11] an eye on them.

[10:11] And he's got his two henchgoons.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] His two henchgoons, James Hong and another actor who I don't know his name.

Dan McCoy

[10:18] You may remember James Hong as Lo Pan from Big Trouble Moved China.

Elliott Kalan

[10:22] Or if you saw The Day the Earth Stood Still, the new one, he's the old Chinese man who

[10:26] talks to Keanu Reeves.

Dan McCoy

[10:28] He's Tia Carrera's father in Wayne's World 2.

[10:31] He is in a ton of movies.

[10:32] He's really great.

[10:32] He's basically just Lo Pan.

[10:34] Lo Pan is the most important thing.

Elliott Kalan

[10:35] You may remember him as president of the Asian American Actors Association.

[10:38] No, Lo Pan.

[10:41] He's also played Lo Pan.

[10:43] Yeah.

[10:44] Okay.

[10:44] Now, Jack Palance is very unhappy.

[10:48] Ray Tango has been a thorn in his side for a long time.

[10:50] And he's also mad at a man named Gabriel Cash, who we haven't met yet.

[10:54] Mm-hmm.

[10:55] Cut to, right?

[10:57] I don't remember.

[10:57] Well, you know, I don't remember the order.

[10:58] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:58] It cuts to the introduction of Gabriel Cash.

[11:00] It cuts to Gabriel Cash is a sloppy kind of...

[11:02] Hot dog.

[11:03] Hot dog and...

[11:04] Although, the fact...

[11:05] Sobush Sloan doesn't like...

[11:05] Riff raff.

[11:06] ...doesn't like Kurt Russell because he's a hot dog.

[11:08] Sobush Sloan did stand in the pathway of a tanker truck...

Dan McCoy

[11:10] It's the exact same character.

[11:11] And fire into the inches.

[11:11] One of them wears a suit and the other one wears a wife beater.

[11:14] And that's what's different about them.

Stuart Wellington

[11:15] No, Dan.

[11:16] What differentiates them is their ideologies and their ethics.

Elliott Kalan

[11:20] So Gabriel Cash...

[11:21] Gabriel Cash is coming home from grocery shopping.

[11:26] He's just kind of a sloppy, ordinary guy.

[11:28] Mm-hmm.

[11:29] He looks in the mirror on his wall.

[11:31] Suddenly, an Asian guy with a gun smashes through it.

[11:35] And a flat top.

[11:36] And a flat top, yeah.

[11:37] And shoots at him, hits him in his bulletproof vest.

[11:40] Gabriel Cash shoots the would-be assassin with a gun hidden in the sole of his boot.

[11:47] So when he points the sole of his feet at people, he can shoot them with it.

[11:51] That sounds to me.

[11:51] The two of them get into a chase.

Dan McCoy

[11:53] Very dangerous when he crosses his legs.

[11:55] Yeah.

[11:55] He's not a good...

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] That's what originally happened in that scene from Basic Instinct.

[11:58] Right.

[11:59] When Kurt Russell was playing the Sharon Stone part.

Dan McCoy

[12:02] I'm glad they recast that.

[12:03] Yeah.

[12:04] I mean, you know, they're both sexy people.

[12:07] But it just seems a little weirder with him in that role.

Elliott Kalan

[12:10] I mean, they raised a lot of questions.

[12:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:13] About sexuality?

[12:14] About your sexuality?

Elliott Kalan

[12:15] Well, why is everyone treating him like he's a beautiful woman?

[12:17] That was the main question.

Dan McCoy

[12:18] Yeah.

[12:18] Why does Newman from Seinfeld find him so attractive?

[12:22] Yeah.

[12:22] So anyway, there's a big chase sequence.

[12:24] I mean, he's got really great hair, though.

[12:25] I mean, we can't read of that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] They have a car chase.

[12:29] He's in good shape.

[12:30] That involves...

[12:31] They're in a parking garage.

[12:32] They almost hit a homeless person with a supermarket shopping cart full of cans.

[12:38] Yeah.

[12:38] A Russian guy packing boxes into his car for some reason.

[12:42] And two people having sex in the backseat of a car.

[12:45] Probably Levi's jeans, compact discs.

Dan McCoy

[12:46] Yeah.

[12:47] Toilet paper.

[12:47] Well, Walkman.

[12:48] This is 1989.

[12:49] Oh, okay.

[12:51] Yeah.

[12:51] So, yeah, he destroys a bunch of cars to get this guy.

[12:56] There's a complete, you know, like a fucking gumball destruction rally in this thing.

[13:02] It takes the guy in.

Elliott Kalan

[13:03] It's hard to really describe how great it is.

[13:04] Yeah.

[13:05] A lot of cars smashing into each other over and over again.

Dan McCoy

[13:08] Neon lights exploding.

Elliott Kalan

[13:09] Two totally naked people in the backseat of a car having sex because I guess they were

[13:13] driving around nude and decided to park in the parking garage and have sex there.

[13:17] Who knows?

[13:18] Anyway.

[13:18] It gets hot out in the sun in L.A.

[13:20] Back at the police station, Ray Tango has a talk with a woman played by Terry Hatcher who

[13:26] they both care about each other.

[13:27] Mm-hmm.

[13:28] And Kurt Russell in a kind of locker room slash men's bathroom slash interrogation room.

[13:34] He beats up the assassin to find out who the assassin's boss was.

[13:40] Long story short, Tango and Cash both get set up.

[13:44] They get sent to a spooky house slash steam factory slash abandoned apartment building.

Dan McCoy

[13:49] Like a spooky mansion that they have to spend the night in to get their inheritance?

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] Not exactly.

[13:54] But it's like, you know the place that the toy maker lives in Blade Runner?

[14:00] Oh, yeah.

[14:00] It's kind of an abandoned building full of smoke.

[14:02] It was basically one of those.

[14:04] They go there and they find a federal agent killed and drugs and money all over the place.

[14:08] And they're being recorded.

[14:10] Something doesn't make sense.

[14:11] They're arrested.

[14:12] Police come in.

[14:13] Oh, no.

[14:14] Tango and Cash have been set up by the bad guys to look like they're a bunch of major league

[14:18] drug dealers.

[14:20] Dirty cops.

[14:21] To make them look like dirty cops.

Stuart Wellington

[14:22] I do like that when the cops bust them, they have their guns on Tango and Cash who have

[14:28] been all over the newspaper.

[14:30] They're so famous.

Elliott Kalan

[14:31] That day's newspaper, both Tango and Cash appear on the front page in different stories.

[14:36] And they're only known by their last names.

[14:37] They're so famous, it could just say, Cash makes another bust.

[14:40] Yeah.

[14:40] Everyone knows what that means.

Dan McCoy

[14:41] Cash was below the fold, though.

[14:43] So I guess Tango beat them on that one.

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] Yeah.

[14:46] No, no.

[14:46] Tango is the number one cop.

[14:47] Yeah.

[14:48] But they should be recognized by the police officers.

[14:51] Police don't seem to recognize them.

[14:52] These are two most famous police officers in the city.

[14:55] Celebrity cops.

[14:56] Presumably world.

[14:57] Can you name one police officer?

Dan McCoy

[15:00] Police Commissioner Ray Kelly.

Elliott Kalan

[15:02] Okay.

[15:02] Well, he's a police commissioner.

[15:03] All right.

[15:04] Can you name a regular cop?

[15:06] He could be a detective.

[15:07] Plain clothes.

[15:08] I mean, I do, but he's a personal friend.

Dan McCoy

[15:10] I don't know for being a famous cop.

[15:12] No, it doesn't count if it's someone you know personally.

[15:14] Commissioner Gordon.

Stuart Wellington

[15:15] Oh, yes.

[15:16] He's also a commissioner.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] Also a commissioner and fictional.

[15:18] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[15:19] I guess.

[15:20] I bet if you look around, there's a commissioner named Gordon somewhere.

[15:22] And he's always making jokes about it.

Elliott Kalan

[15:23] Well, there's certainly a fisherman named Gordon, so.

[15:26] Yeah, he does good work.

[15:28] Yeah.

[15:28] With him and just that yellow slicker.

[15:30] Catching fish.

[15:31] That's a lot of fish.

[15:32] Yeah.

[15:32] And he does it single-handed because he doesn't believe in unions.

[15:34] Mm-hmm.

[15:38] So the two of them have been set up.

[15:40] Sure.

[15:40] They go to trial, and for some reason they decide to plea bargain, even though they know they're

[15:45] innocent.

[15:46] They plea bargain to get a minimum sentence at a minimum security prison.

[15:50] Well, it's looking pretty bad for them.

Dan McCoy

[15:52] I mean, there's, you know, there's doctored tape that implicates them.

[15:56] There's some other bullshit.

[15:58] You know.

[15:59] They aren't going to get off.

[16:00] They got to take the, they got to cop a plea.

[16:03] They need to take the years.

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] Yeah.

[16:05] So Jack Palance.

[16:06] Do the crime, do the time, you know what I mean?

[16:07] But they didn't do the crime.

[16:08] Oh, okay.

[16:09] Jack Palance has set this all up.

[16:11] They think they're going to go to a minimum security prison.

[16:13] Then, suddenly, they get delivered to the most maximum security of prisons.

[16:18] Yeah, it's like a hellscape.

[16:19] It literally is.

[16:20] They're walking down the hallway to their cells, and there's literally people throwing fire

[16:24] at them.

Stuart Wellington

[16:25] After a nice shower break between the two of them.

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] Oh, yeah, the two of them have a shower where they talk about each other's penis size and

[16:31] how they hate each other.

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] I think they turn all the faucets on, all the spigots.

Dan McCoy

[16:36] Yeah.

[16:37] Yeah, that's true.

[16:37] All of the shower heads are spraying around.

[16:41] Is that to make sure they don't get recorded?

[16:43] Is that what we're trying to think?

[16:44] I think that's because it looks better.

[16:46] They just want, like, a real massage.

[16:47] Like, they want to, like, a sauna.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] Well, you want to be able to walk around and still have water on your body.

Dan McCoy

[16:53] It gets cold if you have only one.

Elliott Kalan

[16:54] Ray Tango likes to take what he calls pacing showers.

[16:57] Where he walks back and forth under multiple shower heads.

Dan McCoy

[17:00] Well, he thinks better when he's showering, and he also thinks better when he's in motion.

[17:02] Yeah.

[17:03] So both of those things together.

[17:04] Like, if you're set up by the crooked cops, you know, you got to be at 100% with your

[17:10] mental powers.

[17:10] You got to figure that shit out.

Stuart Wellington

[17:12] I mean, I don't think he was actually set up by the crooked cops, though.

[17:15] I thought he was set up by Jack Palance.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] The drug kingpin.

Stuart Wellington

[17:18] And the crooked officials were all FBI, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[17:21] No, because the prison guys are all crooked, too.

Stuart Wellington

[17:23] Oh, yeah.

[17:24] The prison board is crooked.

[17:25] They're the best guards money can buy.

[17:26] Yeah, there's prison hellscape that they sent you.

[17:28] Everyone appears to be a bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[17:30] Even, like, the guards, the prisoners, everyone seems to be evil.

[17:35] They each have trouble with their cellmates.

[17:37] Kurt Russell is a big, tough guy who won't let him use the toilet.

[17:40] Sylvester Stallone is Clint Howard, playing the role of Slinky, a crazy guy who's always

[17:45] making noise with his Slinky.

[17:46] Yeah.

[17:47] So Sylvester Stallone beats him up.

[17:49] In the middle of the night, our two heroes, pulled out of their cells and taken down to

[17:53] the laundry basement, where they are beaten up and tortured and almost electrocuted to

[18:00] death.

Dan McCoy

[18:00] And then, also, Jack Palance steps out of the shadows for no purpose other than to introduce

[18:04] himself.

[18:05] With his cockney goon.

[18:05] And his main goon.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] He has a cockney goon with a terrible English accent, who says a lot of stuff like,

[18:10] Hey, governor, what's all?

[18:12] Well, I'll send you for a toss.

[18:14] You're right, bud.

Stuart Wellington

[18:15] I know you're probably thinking he's played by Clive Owen.

Elliott Kalan

[18:18] He is not.

[18:19] That is a great Clive Owen impression.

[18:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:21] I wish the guy in the movie was as good.

[18:23] But no, I have to say that, at that point in the movie, Tango and Cash have no idea who

[18:28] set them up.

[18:29] They don't even know that Jack Palance exists.

[18:31] Yeah.

[18:31] So the fact that Jack Palance just drops by and they're like, Hey, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[18:35] There's been a scene before that where Cash seems to know who did it.

[18:44] Because Jack Palance is Lopez, right?

[18:46] No.

[18:46] Or is he Perez?

Dan McCoy

[18:47] His name is no.

[18:48] His name is Eve Perrette.

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] They say Perrette, but sometimes it sounds like Perez.

Stuart Wellington

[18:52] He said, he thought it was Lopez, one of Perrette's goons that isn't.

[18:56] Oh, okay.

[18:57] I got mixed up.

[18:58] Eve.

[18:58] Chopin, Lopez, Perrette.

[19:00] His name is Eve Perrette.

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] But then he knows who did it because it was set up by Jack Palance's goons.

[19:05] Basically.

[19:05] But they aren't aware of who the man of the top is.

[19:07] Of this shadowy puppet master.

[19:08] That's true.

[19:08] They have no idea.

Stuart Wellington

[19:10] That's the thing.

[19:11] When you're a game master like that, you need to show the mice that you're running through hoops.

[19:17] You need to show them who's boss.

[19:18] You mean maze?

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Yeah, whatever.

[19:21] Jack Palance does have two pet mice that he kisses and caresses, and he puts them in a maze in the bar top of his office.

[19:28] And he likes to say, Tango, cash, in the maze, running together.

[19:36] Well, Tango and cash, cash and tango.

Dan McCoy

[19:39] It's like he had to build a fucking diorama to explain to people.

Stuart Wellington

[19:42] His goons are not very smart.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] No, and in Palance's hands.

Stuart Wellington

[19:45] One of them dies because he doesn't take the safety off his Uzi later on.

Elliott Kalan

[19:49] And Jack Palance, the way he says it, it just becomes slam to poetry after a while.

[19:55] I tango through the cash of your tangos.

Stuart Wellington

[19:58] So they're in this laundry basement with steam all over the place.

[20:01] They almost get electrocuted.

Elliott Kalan

[20:02] They're being attacked.

[20:03] Robert Zadar, big face, is just laughing his big face off.

[20:07] That's a lot of laughing.

[20:09] And then suddenly they're being electrocuted one after the other.

[20:13] And then suddenly the guards rush in, right, and save them.

Stuart Wellington

[20:16] Yep, and then Jack Palance and his cockney crony disappear into the mist.

Elliott Kalan

[20:22] They escape basically just by stepping behind laundry machines and disappearing.

Dan McCoy

[20:27] Yeah, well, I mean, that's why you have your big brawl in a laundry room.

[20:32] You don't need smoke bombs there.

[20:34] There's just so much steam from the laundry machines.

[20:36] Just a natural product of a late-night laundry room.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] I think that was the original title for Midnight Meat Train.

[20:42] It's late-night laundry room.

[20:44] Didn't go over too well.

[20:45] No.

[20:45] Neither did Midnight Meat Train.

[20:46] Bradley Cooper vetoed it.

[20:48] Wouldn't it be fun – wouldn't it be scary if it was on a train and it was a train full of meat at midnight?

[20:53] Yeah, okay.

[20:53] That's – yeah, okay.

[20:55] So then they talk about some other bullshit.

Stuart Wellington

[20:58] They meet Cash's friend.

Elliott Kalan

[20:59] They meet Cash's friend, the assistant warden, who's going to help them escape.

[21:03] Cash – Tango says –

Stuart Wellington

[21:04] They haven't even gotten out of prison yet, and it's been – we've been talking about this forever.

[21:08] Yeah, well –

[21:08] We want to go over every intricate element of Tango and Cash, don't we?

Elliott Kalan

[21:11] Okay, well, we'll go through it a little faster.

[21:13] Tango doesn't trust this guy.

[21:15] Cash does.

[21:16] Cash tries to escape.

[21:17] He gets caught.

[21:18] A bunch of the evil guards being led by Robert Zadar, big face, chase after him through huge turbines.

[21:23] And this is a prison that has all these things that it doesn't make sense why a prison would have them.

[21:28] Yeah.

[21:28] Such as huge turbine rooms.

Dan McCoy

[21:30] Well, this is another example of this movie being made by people who have only seen movies.

[21:34] They're like, oh, it would be cool if a prison had a big, like, fucking fan in it that they had to go through.

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] They're like, let's have an escape through a building.

[21:41] Okay, well, what do buildings have in them so we can build this escape?

[21:44] Well, we know from the movies we've seen that buildings have giant turbines.

[21:47] They have big basements full of steam and not that much else.

[21:50] They've got –

[21:51] Tunnels.

Elliott Kalan

[21:51] Tunnels all over the place.

[21:52] They've got tunnels with, like, water drifting through it.

[21:54] It's always raining in buildings all the time.

[21:56] Some kind of a zip line.

[21:57] Electric power lines that you can zip line across.

[22:01] Anyway, so, short story – long story short.

[22:04] They escape.

[22:05] In the escape attempt, they get beat up a lot, and Robert Zadar is electrocuted while attacking

[22:10] Solester Stallone with a grappling hook.

[22:12] Yep.

[22:13] Which he got somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[22:14] He does not come back to life like Ernest, and Ernest goes to jail.

[22:18] He doesn't get electricity power, as you're saying?

[22:20] He does not.

[22:21] He just – he gets electrocuted and dies like a normal human being.

Elliott Kalan

[22:24] He doesn't turn into, like, the electric gremlin from Gremlins 2 and get stuck in a phone?

[22:28] Nope.

[22:28] He's just a dead hunk of meat.

Stuart Wellington

[22:30] He doesn't get brought back to life by the electricity to be super alive?

[22:34] I mean, that actually might happen, but they don't –

Dan McCoy

[22:37] It's not like in –

[22:37] What about the movie Shocker?

[22:39] Is there anything like that?

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] You mean the start of a failed horror franchise?

[22:44] Yeah.

[22:45] Yes, it is.

[22:46] They actually tried to push.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] Is it like in Friday the 13th when Jason has that pole in his chest and the lightning hits it and it brings him back to life?

[22:52] I mean, once again, that might happen, but it happens off camera.

[22:56] Okay.

[22:56] So when I write my The Jaw fan fiction, because the character is called The Jaw, I'll – maybe I'll bring – that's how I'll bring him back.

[23:04] Yeah, I mean, of course.

[23:05] He's going to come back for revenge.

[23:06] He blasts his way out of the Sarlacc pit.

[23:08] Yeah, and his last line as he dies is, Tango!

[23:12] Which is great.

[23:13] So anyway, they escape.

[23:15] They're running through the streets of L.A.

[23:16] They don't know what to do.

[23:18] Cash goes to meet up with Tango's – turns out to be his sister, Terry Hatcher, who dances at the Cleopatra Club.

[23:23] To escape, Kurt Russell has –

[23:25] Also in front of a giant fan.

[23:27] Yes, also it's like the set for SNL for the musical guests like it used to be.

[23:32] And to escape from there, Kurt Russell has to briefly walk through a dressing room full of topless women, then dress like a woman and get out.

[23:40] He's almost stopped by a horny cop who is distracted by Terry Hatcher and then comes on to Kurt Russell.

[23:46] Meanwhile, Sylvester Stallone goes to the head of the police or something.

[23:50] Like one of the crooked cops who's high up in the force.

[23:54] He has the best line of the entire movie in my opinion, which is the crooked cops pull in some cold spaghetti out of – a bowl of cold pasta out of the refrigerator.

[24:04] Yeah, for a nosh or something.

[24:05] Yeah.

[24:06] Closes the fridge door.

[24:07] Stallone's right there with a gun.

[24:08] And he says, well, it's clear from your diet you're not counting your calories.

[24:12] You must be too busy counting the money they paid you to set us up.

[24:15] Beautifully written, beautifully delivered.

[24:18] So Sylvester Stallone learns a little bit from him before that guy blows up.

[24:21] Then Tango and Cash meet up again at Terry Hatcher's house, their old boss who believes in them.

Dan McCoy

[24:27] In the meantime, Cash has gone to the guy who assembled the fake tape.

[24:33] Oh, right.

[24:34] And gotten him to –

[24:35] The nerdy sound engineer.

[24:37] Yeah.

[24:38] Got him to confess.

[24:39] So there has been a little actual police work that occurred.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] There was a little bit.

[24:43] Yeah.

[24:45] The two of them, their old boss comes by and says, I trust you guys.

[24:47] I'll give you 24 hours to solve this case.

[24:50] Figure out who framed you.

[24:51] Mm-hmm.

[24:52] And of course –

[24:53] Should have just done that to begin with.

[24:54] I mean, come on.

[24:55] Yeah, basically.

[24:56] But the first step after that, of course, the most – the obvious step is to go to the LAPD's super weapons lab.

[25:02] And meet up with Michael J. Pollard as the retarded weapons genius.

Dan McCoy

[25:06] Yeah, I don't know if you – I don't know if listeners realize this, but every major metropolitan area has a weapons genius, like sort of a Q figure.

[25:14] Yeah, experimental weapons genius.

[25:15] Who invents things like, say, a robot Doberman that shoots out of its head.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] What does he also have?

[25:23] He has – well, he makes for them a supercar, but he also has some big guns.

[25:29] And a fucking giant magnifying glass.

[25:31] I think that's about it, though.

[25:32] He always has a giant magnifying glass in front of his face.

Dan McCoy

[25:34] I think he invented – he might have invented steampunk.

[25:37] Yeah.

[25:37] With that magnifying glass that's attached to his helmet.

[25:39] I mean, 1989 is pretty old, so –

[25:41] It's pretty early.

Elliott Kalan

[25:42] Well, back then it was just regular.

[25:43] It was just what –

[25:44] Steampunk is all about the past, so 1989.

[25:47] Right.

[25:47] That was back when people still wore corsets, top hats, goggles.

Dan McCoy

[25:51] When Jules Verne was writing his most famous works.

Elliott Kalan

[25:53] Like Bonfire of the Vanities in space.

[25:55] Yep.

[25:57] Spacefire of the Vanities.

[25:58] Spacefire of the Vanities on the moon.

[26:01] Mm-hmm.

[26:02] And –

[26:03] Around the Gremlins in 80 Days.

[26:06] What other –

[26:06] Yeah, the book, Gremlins.

[26:11] Do movie novelizations count as books?

[26:13] Is that a bestseller of the 80s?

Stuart Wellington

[26:16] Sure.

[26:16] I mean, they still count as books.

[26:18] It's not like they're not full of words and stuff.

[26:21] His big hit, 20,000 Leagues Under the He-Man.

[26:23] I wrote at least one book report on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the movie adaptation.

[26:29] There's way more stuff in that book.

[26:31] By Alan Dean Foster.

Elliott Kalan

[26:33] Could have been.

[26:33] He does write a lot of those.

[26:36] Anyway, so –

[26:37] They get a supercar with a big machine gun on it.

[26:40] Of course.

[26:40] From –

Dan McCoy

[26:41] Which was the last piece of the puzzle.

[26:43] They needed to put this thing to bed.

Elliott Kalan

[26:45] And they go to the super compound of the Drug Kingpin, which is an abandoned Army Air Force base, which now I guess a Drug Kingpin owns.

[26:55] And it's huge.

[26:56] And he has all these giant construction monster vehicles.

Stuart Wellington

[26:58] Yeah, it's like a giant quarry.

Elliott Kalan

[27:00] Yeah, it is a quarry basically.

[27:01] Yeah.

[27:02] And there's a big car chase, explosions.

[27:04] The supervan gets all screwed up.

[27:07] And they run through the place shooting lots of people.

Stuart Wellington

[27:08] There's a lot of shots of the supervan riding around and then explosions happening to the sides while Jack Palance is watching on his monitor and like going, yeah, no.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] Or like, ooh, just get him.

[27:20] Or Kashi.

[27:22] They get into the big gun room, take some guns.

[27:26] Kashi.

[27:27] And Rango.

[27:30] Dodge to Rango.

[27:34] Casey Stango.

Dan McCoy

[27:35] Jack, can you do it again?

[27:37] No.

[27:38] I think you're drifting, I think.

[27:39] No, no, that's good stuff.

[27:41] Rash and Mango.

[27:43] Okay.

[27:44] We'll fix it in post.

Elliott Kalan

[27:47] They go into the hideout and it turns out Jack Palance has kidnapped Terry Hatcher.

[27:53] Sure.

[27:53] And then pushes the self-destruct button for the building because most buildings have those.

[27:58] They have 11 minutes to get up there, kill the bad guy, get Terry Hatcher back.

[28:03] And they go up there.

[28:05] There's a lot of fighting, shooting.

[28:06] People get shot, explosions.

Stuart Wellington

[28:09] A new management gets introduced who only kicks.

[28:11] Yeah.

[28:11] He's a super kick fighter.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] He fights Sylvester Stallone while Kurt Russell fights the Cockney English guy.

Dan McCoy

[28:17] He also, he mostly does like those downward kicks.

[28:19] It's mostly him like leaping up in the air.

[28:20] Yeah, like an axe kick.

[28:21] He's a big kicker.

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:22] Through a lot of –

[28:24] Which he mainly uses to destroy glass shelves with crystal on them.

Elliott Kalan

[28:28] Because Jack Palance loves glass.

[28:30] He loves glass, crystal, easily breakable things.

[28:33] This is all in his office, by the way.

[28:36] The – Kurt Russell blows up the English guy with a grenade.

[28:41] Yeah.

[28:41] Which is a callback to an earlier scene when Sylvester Stallone threatened the English guy with a grenade.

[28:46] Yeah.

[28:47] Sylvester Stallone beats up –

Dan McCoy

[28:48] Throwing some bad cop, worst cop interrogations.

Elliott Kalan

[28:50] They call it bad cop, worst cop.

[28:53] They are up – uh-oh, Jack – they fight.

[28:56] They kill James Hong and the other guy.

[28:58] Sure.

[28:58] They've already done that.

[28:59] Jack Palance is the only one left.

[29:00] Uh-oh, door slides open.

[29:03] Of course, this is an executive office.

[29:05] This is the president of the company.

[29:07] Of course, he's going to have a hall of mirrors right next to his desk.

[29:09] Yeah.

[29:10] Behind the sliding door.

Dan McCoy

[29:11] It's standard.

[29:12] You know, like, you've got to keep up appearances.

[29:14] Like, every CEO has a hall of mirrors right next to their office.

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] When you run a company, here are the things you can expect standard in your office.

[29:21] A comfortable leather chair, a couch everyone's afraid to sit on, your own bathroom.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] Some of those pendulum balls on your desk.

Elliott Kalan

[29:27] Pendulum ball desk toy, your own bathroom, shelves of fine crystal, and a maze in the desk – in the bar top that you put your mice in.

[29:35] And a mirror room.

[29:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:37] Yeah, a hall of mirrors.

[29:38] A real, like, yeah, a mirror maze.

[29:42] So, and he has – he's got Terry Hatcher in there.

[29:44] With a gun to her head.

[29:45] And they're wondering, which one of those do I shoot?

[29:48] Well, luckily, while Jack Palance is just giving this endless monologue.

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] He rambles on to the point that Tang and Cash start talking to each other and you just hear Jack Palance talking in the background.

[29:59] You can't make out what he's saying.

[30:00] This is the final soliloquy speech given by the main bad guy.

[30:04] Even the heroes are not interested in listening to it.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] They quickly decide and then both of them shoot him in the head.

Elliott Kalan

[30:10] Yeah, because they've instantly – how did you know?

[30:13] Oh, the monogram on his shirt was backwards.

[30:15] What about – oh, but the ring was on the wrong hand.

[30:17] That's how they knew which one to shoot.

Dan McCoy

[30:19] And there's 20 seconds left on the bomb.

[30:20] And during that time, they somehow run downstairs, run outside, run far enough away from the building that they aren't injured by the blast when it self-destructs.

Elliott Kalan

[30:29] But mission accomplished.

[30:30] Look, they were framed and there's a lot of evidence that proves their guilt.

Dan McCoy

[30:35] Right.

[30:35] And the one thing that disproves it is this one tape that they got from the guy after he threatened them.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] But they did go to a place.

[30:42] Uh-huh.

[30:42] They killed a bunch of people.

[30:44] Uh-huh.

[30:44] And they blew up a building.

[30:45] Right.

[30:46] Uh-huh.

[30:46] So, of course –

[30:47] Exonerated.

[30:48] So, of course –

[30:48] Case closed.

[30:49] They slap – they give a high five and immediately cuts to them giving a high five.

[30:53] Front cover of the newspaper.

[30:55] Heroes again.

[30:56] Tang and Cash back on the force.

[30:58] End of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[31:00] I mean, wouldn't they get – didn't they get, like, arrested for breaking out of jail?

[31:05] Nope.

[31:06] I mean, what about, like, killing all those people while they weren't active duty police officers?

[31:10] Nope.

[31:11] None of that?

Elliott Kalan

[31:12] None of that.

[31:13] They're probably bad guys.

[31:14] Yeah.

[31:14] Just property damage, murder, escaping from jail, none of the – the original murder that

[31:19] they were found – that they pled guilty to.

[31:21] Right.

[31:22] None of those things matter anymore.

[31:23] Tang and Cash.

Stuart Wellington

[31:25] Yeah, they – that's not double jeopardy, right?

[31:28] Well, no, because it's two different crimes.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] Oh, okay.

[31:30] That's why it's not – double jeopardy doesn't mean you can never be convicted of any crime

[31:34] ever again once you've been convicted.

[31:35] Wait a minute.

[31:36] But they admitted their guilt.

[31:38] Well, they pled guilty.

[31:39] They didn't admit their guilt.

[31:40] Oh, okay.

[31:42] So, I'd like – the summary of the plot doesn't totally get across how amazing and stupid

[31:46] this movie is.

Dan McCoy

[31:47] Well, what about this quote?

[31:48] When the thing blows up, when Stallone goes –

[31:52] Which thing?

[31:52] A lot of things blow up.

[31:53] The compound at the end.

[31:54] And then Stallone goes, there's a lot of new pollution in the air tonight and its name

[31:58] is Perrette.

[31:59] Yeah.

[32:00] How about that?

[32:00] Did I get it across maybe?

[32:01] It's pretty great.

[32:03] There's a lot – I'm trying to remember any of the other good monohers.

Stuart Wellington

[32:05] When Kurt Russell first goes into the Cleopatra Club after paying his $5 admission fee.

Elliott Kalan

[32:10] There's a shot that – there's no reason not to cut that.

[32:13] It shows him walk up to the exterior of the Cleopatra Club, shows him walk in, the major

[32:17] and he goes, hey, $5 cover.

[32:18] Yeah, sure.

[32:19] Hands him $5, walks in.

[32:21] There isn't even like a – not a quip.

[32:22] He doesn't push past the guy.

[32:24] Like there's no reason to show that.

Stuart Wellington

[32:26] So he enters the Cleopatra Club just to see the end of an act where the dancer is riding

[32:31] a motorcycle off of the stage.

[32:35] Everything – there's like – oh, sorry, you were going to say.

[32:37] Just before Terry Atcher comes out and does some kind of sensual dance that features electronic

[32:41] drums where she takes – a pair of drumsticks and plays kind of arrhythmically to the song.

[32:48] And she strips off her jacket.

[32:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] Yeah, well, I was going to – to the point of her stripping off her jacket, I was going

[32:53] to ask, is this the gayest action film?

[32:56] Yes.

[32:57] Yes.

[32:57] And yes.

[32:58] It is a love story between two men that includes a shower scene.

[33:05] Between both of them.

[33:06] And we do get to see both of their butts.

[33:08] Yeah.

[33:09] There's a lot of them being wet together.

Elliott Kalan

[33:11] It's constantly – it's constantly raining in the prison and everyone's sweaty all the

[33:15] time.

Dan McCoy

[33:16] There's this sort of bondage-y scene where they're both like chained up next to each

[33:19] other.

[33:21] And they sort of like sacrifice themselves for each other.

[33:25] And like the main –

Stuart Wellington

[33:26] Their electricity acting was not unlike some kind of erotic climax.

[33:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] And there's the part where Kurt Russell blows Sylvester Stallone.

[33:33] There's that.

Dan McCoy

[33:34] But also like the main like love interest, if you can call it that, is Terry Hatcher as

[33:40] Sylvester Stallone's sister who is like a dancer in like a club that I guess you're supposed

[33:45] to think is sort of like this sexy club.

[33:47] But she's dancing fully clothed.

[33:50] You know, it's that flash dance sort of thing where she's like, I don't really understand

[33:54] why this exists.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] Well, there's –

[33:57] Well, the drinks are delicious.

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] There are –

[33:59] Okay.

[33:59] I will say there are a couple boobs in the movie.

[34:03] But Sylvester Stallone has no love interest.

[34:05] Yeah.

[34:05] Kurt Russell's love interest.

[34:06] He doesn't seem to be that interested in.

[34:07] Oh, yeah.

[34:07] And then Kurt Russell dresses up in drag at one point.

[34:09] And he dresses up in drag and it is the most comfortable Kurt Russell looks the entire

[34:12] movie.

[34:13] Like you get the feeling like when the movie is over, Gabriel Cash is going to put on those

[34:19] stockings again.

Dan McCoy

[34:23] Well, yeah.

[34:24] Like Terry Hatcher's character is like, why do you still have these?

[34:27] Oh, yeah.

[34:28] I've been meaning to throw those out.

[34:29] Oh, you know, memories.

[34:31] Memories that time.

[34:31] Why don't I just do that for you?

[34:33] Like, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] I'll do it later.

[34:34] I'm going to do another deep, deep cover thing.

Elliott Kalan

[34:37] You mean undercover?

[34:38] Yeah, yeah.

[34:38] That's what I meant.

[34:39] Yeah.

[34:40] It's down by the docks.

[34:43] So that's pretty great.

[34:44] Down by there.

[34:44] Yeah.

[34:44] It's – everything in the movie is also as big and stupid as possible.

[34:48] Like Kurt Russell, the first time we see him running around with a gun, it's a handgun,

[34:52] but it's got this enormous laser sight on it.

[34:54] It's like twice – the size of the rest of the gun and it is hilarious.

Stuart Wellington

[35:00] And then eventually they upgrade to Uzis because in the 80s everybody had an Uzi.

Elliott Kalan

[35:04] They upgrade to Uzis and then to these sort of super machine guns.

[35:08] Yeah.

[35:08] They don't look like anything that I've seen before in a movie or in my time in the military.

[35:13] Okay.

[35:14] They look like something that, like, time cops would have.

[35:17] Yeah, exactly.

[35:18] Time guns that turn you into babies when you shoot them, when you do a good job at them.

[35:23] It's a powerful weapon.

Dan McCoy

[35:25] Yeah.

[35:26] Yeah.

[35:26] This puts, like, a cap on a certain style of, like, a film making.

[35:29] Like, the decade before, like, this puts a cap on it in the same way that, like, Bad Boys 2 then puts a cap on, like, the next decade or so of action filmmaking.

Elliott Kalan

[35:37] Also, the music in this movie is done by – was it the same guy who did this?

Dan McCoy

[35:41] Harold Faltermeyer, I think, is the guy's name.

[35:43] He's the guy who did Axel F for Beverly Hills Cop.

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] And it sounds like someone was like, get us kind of an off-brand Beverly Hills Cop song, but through the whole movie.

[35:52] And, you know, it's –

Stuart Wellington

[35:53] And it just caught fire.

[35:54] Mm-hmm.

[35:55] Everybody's humming that tango and cash tune.

[35:57] Yeah.

[35:57] How does it go again?

[35:58] It's a crossover hit.

[35:59] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[36:03] No, wait.

[36:04] That's not it.

[36:04] That's close.

Elliott Kalan

[36:05] Close enough.

[36:08] There's a ton of stupid one-liners.

[36:09] The characters never talk, act, or think like real people ever would.

[36:15] Every line's a quip.

[36:17] Every line's a quip.

[36:18] Characters have whole conversations that make no sense, and afterwards you're like, wait, what?

[36:22] One of Kurt Russell's best moments is he's walking into the police station, and a guy with a pizza box is passing by, and he goes, hey, and grabs a slice of pizza.

[36:31] This is its own shot.

[36:32] Gabriel Cash loves pizza.

[36:33] Yeah.

[36:33] And he plays by his own rules.

[36:35] He plays by his own pizza rules.

Stuart Wellington

[36:37] He doesn't care who that pizza's for.

[36:39] There's the great moment early on where Ray Tango's boss is talking to him and asks him, why are you a police officer?

[36:46] You're rich.

[36:47] You dress like a banker.

[36:49] Why are you a cop?

[36:50] Which, plus, the audience is probably thinking, right?

[36:53] The reason is because of the action and adventure.

[36:55] Yeah.

[36:56] Not some kind of sense of civic duty.

[36:58] No.

[36:58] Which would have endeared him to the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] He doesn't say, like, to keep the streets safe or, like, my parents were killed or something like that.

[37:03] He goes, yeah, like a Batman.

[37:04] The action.

[37:05] The action.

[37:07] Like a Batman.

[37:08] Yeah, yeah.

[37:09] One of the many Batman.

[37:11] Like a Batman might do.

[37:13] Yeah.

[37:14] Or, like, there's multiple points where Jack Pounce's henchmen go, why don't we just kill them?

[37:22] And Jack Pounce goes, no, no.

[37:25] We've got to do it this way.

[37:26] No, idiots.

[37:28] You don't understand.

[37:29] Killing them would only make them stronger.

[37:31] They're not Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[37:33] There's a photo who goes, now do you see why I don't kill them?

[37:35] And the henchmen are like, no.

[37:38] Not really.

[37:39] We had them.

[37:40] We would never have to worry about them ever again.

[37:43] Then they would become martyrs to the police.

[37:46] No, they wouldn't.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] Then they'd be faced with an entire precinct full of tangos and caches.

[37:53] Of tangos and caches, yeah.

[37:54] A bunch of hot dogs.

[37:56] Nobody's doing paperwork.

[37:57] Sounds delicious.

[37:58] A bunch of hot dogs.

[38:01] Everybody's stealing pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[38:03] No pizza would be safe.

[38:04] We're on the police station.

[38:07] Oh, man.

[38:09] When I was a kid, I didn't see this movie when it first came out because I was like eight years old.

[38:13] Like not in the theater or?

[38:14] I saw it probably around the time I was 11 or 12, like a couple years after it came out.

[38:18] Okay.

[38:19] And I remember, but I do remember seeing like the commercials and for those couple of years knowing that like Tango and Cash was supposed to be like this tough action movie.

[38:27] And in my head, I imagine it being like the roughest, most brutal, like grittiest, violent action movie.

[38:33] Like there was no more serious action movie than Tango and Cash.

[38:37] The same way that like when the last Boy Scout came out, I didn't see that for years.

[38:40] And I assumed that was like this super tough, like gritty movie.

[38:44] It was super gritty though.

[38:45] Not really.

[38:47] Like when I was a kid, I don't think I realized that there were some action movies that were incredibly stupid and over the top.

[38:53] I thought that like.

Dan McCoy

[38:54] Like the movie Over the Top.

[38:56] Exactly.

[38:56] Yeah.

[38:58] Wait, I'm not supposed to take the last Boy Scout seriously?

Stuart Wellington

[39:01] I think you are.

[39:02] I mean, there's a lot of Uzis in it, as I've already mentioned.

[39:06] There's a part where.

[39:06] A lot of swear words.

[39:07] I think I had a record for a while for most swear words.

Dan McCoy

[39:10] Yeah, I think so.

[39:11] The guy says, what was he?

[39:12] He's like talking about something.

[39:13] I forget like what he's talking about.

[39:15] He goes, the kind that shred.

[39:17] And he throws like bullets into the fireplace.

[39:20] And it's like supposed to be like this code word for them.

[39:22] But it doesn't mean anything.

[39:24] Like it only means something if he's talking about bullets that are going to explode in the fireplace in a second.

Elliott Kalan

[39:29] Well, there's a part in this movie where they're up against Robert Zadar.

[39:33] And they're surrounded by bad guys.

[39:35] And Sylvester Zahn's like.

[39:38] Robert Zadar's like, this guy broke my jaw.

[39:40] He broke my legs.

[39:41] And Caruso goes, you broke that guy's jaw?

[39:43] And he goes, yeah, I did.

[39:45] Why?

[39:45] Because I was having a real bad day.

[39:47] And Caruso goes, a bad day like this?

[39:49] He goes, yeah, that's right.

[39:51] And the two of them punch Robert Zadar together perfectly timed.

[39:54] And it's like, this is not a bit that they knew.

[39:57] This is.

[39:57] They immediately.

[39:58] The famous punching bit.

[39:59] Some kind of cop instincts, dude.

[40:02] Speaking in code.

[40:03] They made up a code and then acted on it.

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] Cop instincts plus pheromones.

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] There's a lot of pheromones.

[40:10] It's very sweaty.

[40:11] It's one of my favorite stupid things in a movie or TV show is when the two heroes are surrounded by bad guys.

[40:18] And the heroes go start fake arguing with each other.

[40:20] And one of them pushes the other into the bad guys.

[40:23] And that's how they wrestle the guns out of their hands.

[40:25] Because one, because who's going to fall for that?

[40:28] Like, it's the stupidest ploy.

Dan McCoy

[40:30] But it always works in TV and the movies.

[40:32] Yeah, this is the sort of thing that will immediately get broken up by the person with the gun.

[40:37] Yeah.

[40:37] Like, hey, bang.

[40:40] The thing is, you got these two guys.

Elliott Kalan

[40:42] That's really eloquent the way you just put that down.

Stuart Wellington

[40:44] Well, you got two actors like Stallone and Russell who are just chewing that scenery.

[40:50] Like, of course you're going to drop your guard because you're kind of in awe.

[40:53] I've got to say, I mean, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[40:55] You just want to see the show so badly.

Dan McCoy

[40:57] This movie did renew my, you know, like I'm a Kurt Russell fan.

[41:01] Yeah.

[41:01] And it just reinforced that because there's some really stupid stuff in this movie that damned if Kurt Russell doesn't actually make it work on its intended level.

Elliott Kalan

[41:09] And what's strange is that Patrick Swayze was originally supposed to play the Kurt Russell part and dropped out, I think, because it was such a dumb movie.

[41:16] Yeah.

[41:17] And Kurt Russell's way better than Patrick Swayze would have been.

Dan McCoy

[41:21] Yeah.

[41:21] I mean, the only thing they have in common is hair.

[41:24] Yeah, and they're both super buff.

[41:25] Yeah.

[41:26] They got hot bods.

Elliott Kalan

[41:29] Real hot bods.

[41:30] But Kurt Russell is able to bring the same comedy chops that he took from the computer wore tennis shoes and the same action chops from the thing and combine them into one whole.

[41:44] Sort of like a Superman.

[41:45] No, that's Christopher Reeve.

[41:46] All right.

[41:47] Or Dean Cain.

[41:49] Yeah, but not Brandon Routh and not Dean Kuntz.

Dan McCoy

[41:52] No, Dean Kuntz or George Reeve.

[41:55] But the man had a tragic life.

[41:57] Come on, give it to him.

[41:59] I don't understand why.

[42:00] Give Superman to him.

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] No, no, I said he was Superman.

[42:02] Oh, okay.

[42:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:03] I thought they said not him.

Elliott Kalan

[42:04] No, no, not this.

[42:05] He's no.

[42:06] Ah, forget it.

[42:07] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[42:08] But yeah, Kurt Russell definitely puts more into the movie and actually manages to sell some of the lines.

[42:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] I mean, he doesn't sell them well, but he sells them.

[42:19] I'll buy them.

[42:20] That's all I'm saying.

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:22] Stewart wants to buy.

[42:24] I mean, you walked into the store wanting to be sold.

Dan McCoy

[42:26] Yeah, he doesn't need to be motivated.

[42:27] He doesn't need the hard sell.

Elliott Kalan

[42:29] It's just like this is the kind of – every time we watch a Flophouse movie, I'm hoping it's going to be this type of movie.

[42:34] Yeah.

[42:35] And then it turns out to be like 10,000 BC or Whiteout.

[42:39] And it's just so disappointing because I know there's another tango and cash out there.

[42:42] There's got to be.

[42:43] Mm-hmm.

[42:44] We'll keep looking.

[42:45] Somewhere out there.

[42:45] Maybe in the next hundred episodes we'll find –

[42:48] Oh, I hope so.

[42:49] Beneath the pale moonlight.

[42:51] Did you become Irish?

[42:52] Is that what I'm saying?

Stuart Wellington

[42:54] Or a mouse?

[42:56] It's a mouse, right?

Elliott Kalan

[42:56] Well, that was from Five Head Goes West, right?

[42:58] It was.

[43:00] I just want to say one more thing.

[43:03] Tangling cash is beautiful in its stupidity.

Dan McCoy

[43:06] Yeah.

[43:07] Yeah, I was going to say I think we don't need – we can skip our judgments on this because I think we're all in agreement that this is the best movie ever made.

[43:15] Ever.

[43:16] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[43:16] Yeah, I mean I feel like 12 rounds was – it's close.

Elliott Kalan

[43:19] It's about as close as someone gets but it's still – 12 rounds is still not as good as – 12 – like Tangling cash is so the thing that it is.

[43:26] Yeah.

[43:27] Whereas 12 rounds is not as – not as seamlessly stupid.

[43:30] Yeah.

[43:30] It's stupid but not as – not as beautiful – not as perfectly so.

Dan McCoy

[43:34] Tangling cash does not have a brain in its head.

[43:36] 12 rounds has like maybe like an 18th of a brain.

[43:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] What Tangling cash feels like to me is it feels like a movie made by children.

[43:44] And that's –

[43:44] Just making up a story.

[43:46] Making up a story as they go along.

[43:47] They have no idea how life works and they're so excited about doing it.

[43:51] There's so much joy that comes through in how dumb it is.

[43:55] So – and there's a lot fewer of John Cena just pointing his gun at black people in this movie which is a little – makes me uneasy.

[44:04] Yeah.

[44:04] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[44:06] So before we get on to our mailbag.

[44:09] Our 100th mailbag.

[44:11] Oh, well.

[44:12] That's inaccurate.

[44:14] Mailbag number 100.

[44:15] Like the first episode we didn't have mail.

[44:17] That would have been weird.

[44:17] Yes, you did.

Elliott Kalan

[44:18] Said, dear floppers, I haven't heard your podcast yet because it doesn't exist yet.

[44:21] But I'm really looking forward to it.

[44:23] I'm sure it will be great.

[44:24] And Dan will be the best.

[44:25] Love, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[44:28] Accurate.

[44:28] So before we get to that though, I just want to recognize a couple of donations from Daniel G and a very generous donation from Colin M.

[44:37] So thank you both for that.

[44:39] Yeah.

[44:40] Thank you.

[44:40] Thank you very much.

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] We appreciate your support.

[44:44] It's listeners like you that keep Flophouse on the air.

[44:47] Yeah.

[44:48] And when can they expect their Flophouse tote bag?

Dan McCoy

[44:50] Well, I have to knit it first.

[44:52] Really?

[44:53] A knitted tote bag?

[44:54] It will be a few years.

[44:55] It seems like a weird tote.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] But keep your eye on the – keep your eye on the mill.

[44:58] Okay.

[44:59] On the mill?

[45:00] Keep your eye on the mill.

[45:01] What?

[45:01] In case they're making pepper or paper?

Dan McCoy

[45:04] Keep your eye on the mill on the floss.

[45:06] Anyway, this is a letter titled, Honey, Where's My Super Suit?

[45:13] From Friend of the Flophouse, Kurt Holman.

[45:16] He says that we can use all of his name.

[45:19] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[45:19] His first name is Friend of the Flophouse?

[45:21] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[45:22] His first name is Friend.

[45:24] And then his middle name is of the Flophouse, Kurt.

[45:26] Oh, I see.

[45:27] And his last name is Holman.

[45:29] Friend OTFK Holman.

[45:31] He says, Dear Dan, Stuart, Elliot, and Housecat,

[45:34] Congratulations in advance for your impending 100th episode.

[45:38] After 100 episodes, I think you're going to reward yourself

[45:40] with the likes of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure

[45:42] or at least a good, bad movie.

[45:44] Well, we did.

[45:44] Yeah, we did.

[45:45] Thanks.

[45:46] Or did he mean after 100 episodes?

Elliott Kalan

[45:48] So after this 100th episode, we could reward ourselves with The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

Dan McCoy

[45:50] Yeah, we're all going to watch The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[45:54] I know you like to watch it alone.

[45:56] Yeah, I do.

Elliott Kalan

[45:56] We could devote a couple episodes to that, to be honest with you.

[45:58] I mean, I could watch it with you guys if you guys don't look at me while we're watching it.

[46:02] Because it ruins the illusion.

[46:03] It ruins the illusion that I'm there with The Bikini Girls on The Off-Road Adventure.

[46:08] Shoulder to shoulder with Willie Tall Salts.

[46:10] Shaman.

[46:11] Boob connoisseur.

[46:14] Collecting those lost bikini tops.

[46:18] I feel like that's a magazine you need to put out.

[46:21] And every issue, there's a picture on the upper right-hand corner of you with a pipe.

Dan McCoy

[46:28] You have like a pince-nez and you're examining a nipple.

[46:33] Only the best boobs.

[46:35] So he says,

[46:36] So I listened to the X-Men Orange and Wolverine podcast the other day and decided to check YouTube to see if I could find a clip of Elliot talking about adamantium on The Daily Show.

[46:46] And that endeavor, I was unsuccessful, but I did find a video.

[46:48] You should go to thedailyshow.com.

[46:50] Yeah, that's the easiest way to find Daily Show videos.

[46:53] All of your favorites and much more.

[46:55] Dailyshow.com.

[46:57] Thanks for writing.

[46:58] Oh, wait, no, there's more in this email.

[47:00] He says,

[47:00] I did find a video called,

[47:02] Kaelin's Superman Videos No. 1, Superman vs. Humanities Professor.

[47:07] Oh, yeah.

[47:08] Which featured Dan in the famed tights and cape as the Man of Steel getting a stern talking to from Elliot as a Tweety Professor.

[47:14] That clip, in turn, directed me to two additional clips that put Elliot himself in the super suit.

[47:18] Now, unless I missed something, these Superman impersonations have never come upon an episode of The Flophouse, which puzzles me, given how much you guys, in Flophouse Nation at large, loves nerdy subject matter like superheroes.

[47:30] I hope I'm not causing any awkwardness bringing up a youthful indiscretion which you'd rather be kept on the down low.

[47:36] Dio.

[47:38] It also makes me wonder, just what Elliot has against Superman.

[47:41] Is Elliot a contributor to Marvel Comics, taking a swipe at the central character of the distinguished competition?

[47:46] Or have we finally seen how Elliot's long-rumored racism manifests itself through the ridicule of a Kryptonian American?

[47:53] On a lighter note, I enjoyed Elliot's take on my favorite bad movie, Zardoz, on the Conan episode.

[47:57] And it occurred to me that you guys could frame one of your ill-defined Flophouse contests around it.

[48:02] Simply challenge your audience to re-edit a trailer of Zardoz, replacing the original audio with the Elliot to Sean Connery remarks.

[48:08] It could be a way to appeal to bad movie and comedy fans who aren't listening to The Flophouse already.

[48:12] Are there any?

[48:13] So, yeah, that's a great idea.

[48:15] Yeah, I'd be up for anybody doing that.

[48:16] I think that's a really good idea.

[48:17] I mean, I don't know.

[48:19] I mean, like, our contests are so poorly run that I don't – I hesitate to make it one of those.

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] Well, we could do it in another contest winner chooses the movie we watch.

[48:26] Yeah, yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[48:28] I would love to see that.

[48:30] Elliot, do you want to address the matter of the Superman videos?

[48:33] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[48:33] Those Superman videos, there were actually four of them, but one of them was taken down because it infringed on Warner's music copyright.

[48:41] That was the one Superman versus Man and Superman in which Superman goes back in time to kill George Bernard Shaw.

[48:48] And Superman was played by Brock Mahan in that one.

[48:50] I used to host a stage comedy show called The Primetime Kalen, which of course was – came after the new Kalen show, which came after the Midnight Kalen.

Dan McCoy

[48:59] Yeah.

[49:00] And Dan –

[49:01] All capitalizing on the fame of the Kalen name.

Elliott Kalan

[49:03] You know, the Kalen brand name really packed them in for those midnight shows.

[49:08] Dan was a contributor to The Primetime Kalen.

[49:11] And when Superman Returns came out, we decided to do a Superman-themed show.

[49:14] And we shot four videos using the same Superman costume, which strangely enough fit me, Dan, and our friend Brock pretty well, all three of us.

Dan McCoy

[49:23] Even though we have also completely different body types, the three of us.

Elliott Kalan

[49:26] And each of those – the four of them were Superman versus Humanities Professor, Superman versus Man and Superman, Superman versus Metropolis, which was a – which is a trial in which Superman is being brought up against public urination charges.

[49:40] And I forgot what the other one was.

Dan McCoy

[49:43] There's a communist one.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] Oh, that's right.

[49:45] Superman versus the Russian Superman in a drinking contest.

[49:48] Yeah.

[49:49] To decide where – who will get Cuba.

[49:51] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[49:52] Did different people shoot or produce them?

[49:54] Like I feel like there was like –

[49:55] Well, different – each one was written by a different person.

[49:57] Yeah, and I remember that.

[49:58] And they were shot by different people too.

[50:00] Yeah.

[50:00] Because I wrote the Humanities one.

[50:01] Like I – the – there's a wild difference in the production quality across the difference.

Elliott Kalan

[50:09] Yeah, and the Superman, communist Superman one was not shot by anybody.

[50:13] That was literally a camera on a tripod.

[50:15] And there were only two actors in it, me and Eric Marsizak.

[50:18] And we took turns holding the camera when we weren't on screen.

[50:21] And when we were both on screen, we just had the camera on a tripod.

[50:24] And we shot – I think that's like –

[50:26] Movie magic here, folks.

[50:27] It's like a five-minute video that probably took about an hour altogether to put together.

[50:32] But it came out pretty well.

[50:33] But like we very quickly drank a lot of water to simulate vodka and got very loggy, both of us.

[50:39] And then I had to rush home and edit it.

[50:41] So that was a very quick turnaround, that one.

[50:44] But it was for this Superman-themed show.

[50:46] And those shows, of course, have kind of disappeared from anywhere.

[50:49] But the YouTube videos remain as a –

Dan McCoy

[50:52] A vestigial tale to your –

Elliott Kalan

[50:55] Much like if you look up – there are a series of three videos called Ghost Hunters that star me, Dan, and Eric Marsizak.

[51:02] The stupidest videos you can imagine.

[51:04] In which we hunt for ghosts.

[51:05] So look up Ghost Hunters.

[51:07] Yeah, if you want to –

[51:08] Grant's Tomb, the Yeti, and –

[51:09] The Yeti, and Jersey Devil.

Dan McCoy

[51:12] There's some good jokes of those.

[51:13] There's some good jokes of those.

[51:14] It's just –

[51:14] They're a younger version of us.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] And there's another totally unrelated video that may be on YouTube.

[51:20] I'm not sure.

[51:21] Called The Death of R2-D2.

[51:22] That is worth finding also.

Dan McCoy

[51:24] Where R2-D2 comes down with robo-cancer.

Elliott Kalan

[51:27] Robot cancer.

[51:27] Okay.

[51:28] And we show him –

[51:29] We decide to show him the best weekend of his life.

[51:33] So nerd stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[51:35] What do you have to say about that, Stuart?

[51:37] Wait, wait, what?

[51:38] That we're talking about nerd stuff?

[51:39] For Superman.

Dan McCoy

[51:40] I just wanted to bring you in.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] Oh, yeah.

[51:43] Well, you know, I was always –

[51:45] I was an occasional audience member and fan of you guys' early stuff.

[51:49] But I kind of like what you're doing now.

[51:53] All right.

[51:54] Wink.

Dan McCoy

[51:55] Well, this one is called Further Injustices Adjusted.

[52:01] And it's from someone called The Regestinator.

[52:05] Okay, as long as it's not another fucking sports email from your fucking brother.

[52:09] Hey, guys.

[52:11] Hey, guys.

[52:11] This is not Elliot's brother.

[52:12] But you said something about the Yankees that I need to correct.

[52:15] The other day I was listening to your latest cast.

[52:17] It's a regular part of my routine here in China.

[52:20] Did cast have an apostrophe in front of it?

[52:22] Well, he's writing from China.

[52:24] So give the guy a break.

[52:26] I mean maybe he's an American in China.

[52:31] But let's just assume it's not his native language and give him a fucking break on the apostrophe.

Elliott Kalan

[52:36] You're about to say let's assume it's not a native American.

[52:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:41] It's a regular part of my routine here in China and a soothing alternative to the grating, swinging tones of my language learning cast.

[52:48] I guess he is American.

[52:50] Yes.

[52:51] Wow.

[52:51] That was kind of racist what he just said about that.

[52:53] It would be a bit of a stretch to say that it has helped me through some tough times.

[52:59] But it has certainly diverted.

[53:01] Anyway, I was brought up short when some pedantic listener drew it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:04] Look.

[53:04] Don't feel like you've done me too many favors.

Dan McCoy

[53:07] You're all right.

[53:08] Yeah.

[53:09] You're no WTF.

[53:10] Seven out of ten.

[53:13] I was brought up short when some pedantic listener drew attention to Dan's secret public shame.

[53:18] That is to say his charming northwestern U.S. accent.

[53:21] By some quirk of file arranging, the next podcast on the list was Flophouse number 12, Awake.

[53:26] Probably Elliot's first as an official flopper and also the first time Dan was publicly ridiculed for vocal deformity.

[53:33] So many of your countrymen bear in silence and speech.

Elliott Kalan

[53:36] By vocal deformity, does he mean the Siamese twin inside your throat?

[53:40] Yep.

[53:40] A Quato-like figure.

[53:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:43] Elliot.

[53:43] That comes out at night and murders people.

[53:45] Elliot, perhaps smarting from a Hodgemanian ribbing of his own, delightedly expanded on Dan's disability for some time.

[53:53] Is it pinhead or pinhead, cackled Kalen?

[53:56] Lohan or Lohan, you ill-bred Idahoan?

[53:59] I don't remember saying that.

[54:00] My point is, give the poor slob a break.

[54:03] He served his debt to Anglophone society.

[54:05] Your pal, the readjustinator.

Stuart Wellington

[54:07] Man, Dan, you're getting better at disguising the...

[54:10] The emails you send yourself, fella.

Elliott Kalan

[54:13] You're right.

[54:13] Dan, I shouldn't make fun of the way you say things.

[54:16] Starting now, I will only make fun of other things about you.

[54:21] All right.

Dan McCoy

[54:22] Fair enough.

[54:23] There are some rich veins.

[54:26] I have plenty of personality flaws without, you know, getting into stuff that I can't really control.

[54:30] You're smiling a lot.

[54:31] Is this like a fucking thing?

[54:32] Is this like a trick?

Elliott Kalan

[54:34] He's got a smile on his face that makes me think he's going to press a button.

[54:36] We're going to fall down two trap doors.

Dan McCoy

[54:38] Just like you guys.

[54:39] 100 episodes.

[54:41] Yeah, yeah.

[54:42] We talked about that already.

[54:44] He's gone pod mad.

[54:47] This one is titled Correction.

[54:49] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[54:51] Is this a Jonathan Franzen email?

[54:53] The corrections.

[54:54] It appears to be from Brian, last name with hope.

Dan McCoy

[54:56] Get it?

[54:57] It's like a book?

[54:57] Yeah, I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:59] Oprah Book Club?

[55:00] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[55:01] Good crowd work.

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] That was good.

[55:15] Good pointing, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[55:16] My correction is to note that the law of gravitation was not violated or ignored when Paul Bettany's character jumps off the rocks in midair.

[55:24] Newton's third law of motion...

[55:26] This sentence doesn't make any sense.

[55:30] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[55:30] Wow.

[55:30] He proved you wrong about something, and you've got to make him feel bad.

Dan McCoy

[55:33] He says...

[55:34] Oh, wait.

[55:35] No, I got it.

[55:37] The law of gravitation...

Elliott Kalan

[55:38] Okay, I have a new thing to make fun of you about.

[55:40] All right.

Dan McCoy

[55:40] If you would shut up, I could correct this.

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] Just that you're too dumb to read a letter.

Dan McCoy

[55:44] It's an interesting use of syntax.

[55:47] Okay.

[55:47] My correction is to note that the law of gravitation was not violated or ignored when Paul Bettany's character jumps off the rocks in midair.

[55:54] Newton's third law of motion was...

[55:57] Period.

[55:58] It is technically possible, though incredibly improbable, for the priest to perform this feat, though the rock should have shot downwards, away from his foot, and probably deep into the ground or been pulverized or both.

[56:09] Brian Lastang withheld.

[56:10] So there you go.

Stuart Wellington

[56:13] So we should give this movie another look-see, huh?

[56:15] Yeah.

[56:16] I didn't see that one.

[56:17] It's probably a good, good movie now.

[56:18] Yeah.

[56:19] Usually that's the way it works.

[56:21] Mm-hmm.

[56:21] If we fuck up...

[56:22] It turns out the movie was great.

[56:24] It becomes a good, good, good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[56:25] Unfortunately, they get an automatic good, good.

[56:27] Yeah.

[56:27] Mm-hmm.

[56:28] Because it's our mistake.

Dan McCoy

[56:29] We need to put that on the DVD cover.

[56:32] Yeah.

[56:33] A good, good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[56:34] The Flophouse.

[56:36] So thank you.

[56:37] That's going to improve video rentals from whatever video chain.

[56:41] Mm-hmm.

[56:41] Well, Paul Bettany was very angry at us.

[56:44] Yeah?

[56:44] What I understand.

[56:45] He seems like a pretty chill guy, except for all the...

[56:49] He takes a lot of action movie roles.

Elliott Kalan

[56:50] Yeah.

[56:51] Well, that's how he gets out his aggression.

[56:53] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[56:54] So this last email is from John Lastang withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[56:58] The last email of our hundredth episode?

Dan McCoy

[57:03] Elliot's gently placing his hand on my hand as if to console me.

[57:08] Yeah.

[57:08] It's okay, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[57:09] They're there.

[57:10] No, no.

[57:10] I understand.

[57:11] Stuart, touch his other hand.

Dan McCoy

[57:12] Okay.

[57:13] Now it's on the table.

[57:14] Okay.

[57:14] Now both of them are...

Elliott Kalan

[57:17] Adding my hand to family.

[57:17] Say they're there, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[57:19] This does actually make me feel better.

[57:22] Okay.

[57:22] Now take your hand away.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] Okay.

[57:24] Now put it back on there again.

[57:26] Okay.

[57:26] Now take your hand away again.

[57:28] And now just me.

[57:29] And now just you.

[57:31] Okay.

[57:31] Now rub your hand against his hand.

[57:33] Just the back.

[57:33] Wait, what are we doing again?

[57:34] Rub the back of your hand against the back of his hand.

Dan McCoy

[57:36] It's starting to feel a little weird.

[57:39] So this last email is from John Lastname withheld.

[57:43] And it's a short email.

[57:44] It says,

[57:44] I hereby commission Elliot to write a prequel to In Time featuring seven pounds that posits

[57:52] a world where time is weight.

Elliott Kalan

[57:54] Okay.

[57:55] Interesting.

[57:55] I like this idea.

[57:56] I mean, a commission implies I'm going to get paid for this.

Dan McCoy

[57:59] But...

[57:59] There are no financial details.

[58:01] So I can't help you there.

Elliott Kalan

[58:02] I guess we'll have to work those out.

[58:03] But I like the idea that seven pounds caused In Time to take place.

[58:07] Probably some...

[58:08] He probably broke the time space weight.

Stuart Wellington

[58:10] We're still talking about the villain character we invented and not the movie Seven Pounds.

[58:15] Oh, wait.

Dan McCoy

[58:15] Is it the movie?

[58:16] I assume we're talking about the villain Seven Pounds.

[58:18] Yeah, who commits Seven Pounds.

[58:19] Who only commits Seven Pounds related crimes.

Stuart Wellington

[58:21] Okay.

[58:21] Just clarifying for listeners who have not heard the Seven Pounds podcast.

[58:27] Who didn't listen to Seven Pounds.

Dan McCoy

[58:28] For anyone who just joined us because of the longevity role that they had employed as per

[58:33] the beginning of the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[58:34] Seven Pounds is a Batman villain who commits Seven Pounds related crimes.

[58:39] It's pretty much...

[58:40] What does he sound like, Stuart?

[58:42] I'm not the one doing the voice.

[58:43] Dan, what does he sound like?

[58:44] Seven pounds?

Stuart Wellington

[58:46] Yeah, kind of Crypt Keepery.

[58:48] Yeah, basically the Crypt Keeper.

Dan McCoy

[58:50] Like he might steal a Seven Pound diamond or he might just steal like Seven Pounds from

[58:56] like an English guy back when they weren't on the Euro.

[58:58] Yeah, or Seven Paula Poundstones.

[59:00] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[59:01] Or Seven Ezra Pound books.

[59:03] Well, if it's like a Seven Pound baby he'd kidnap, it was like the heir to the Seven Pounds

[59:07] fortune.

[59:08] Yes.

[59:09] He would take the Pound key off Seven Pounds.

Stuart Wellington

[59:12] And I think Batman would probably know who was the culprit.

[59:17] Who?

Elliott Kalan

[59:17] Someone stole 28 Quarter Pounders.

[59:19] Who could it be?

Dan McCoy

[59:21] Of course.

[59:21] You know, he might drop a Seven Pound like a sandbag on Batman in the back of a theater.

[59:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[59:27] I mean, that might...

[59:28] It probably won't hurt him, but...

Dan McCoy

[59:30] It would irritate him.

[59:33] It depends on how high that it's being dropped from.

Stuart Wellington

[59:37] Okay, like from the top of the Gotham State Building or whatever?

[59:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] Gotham State Building, yeah.

[59:43] Backstage.

Dan McCoy

[59:48] So, yeah.

[59:49] So, yeah.

[59:50] Why don't you get to work on that?

[59:51] You got some plans.

[59:51] You got some typing.

[59:53] You got some cooking in there in the idea box.

Elliott Kalan

[59:54] I mean, I do have a paying day job, but I will quit it so I can do this.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:00] So, guys, now we're to the last segment of our regular show.

[1:00:04] Our 100th episode.

[1:00:06] Recommendations.

[1:00:07] A movie that you saw perhaps recently.

[1:00:09] Our 100th recommendation.

[1:00:10] I know.

[1:00:11] I know.

[1:00:12] Well, 300th recommendation.

[1:00:15] There's three of us, except for often we recommend multiple things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:18] And sometimes we don't do recommendations because the show's running long.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:20] God, man.

[1:00:21] We are not running a tight ship at all.

[1:00:23] No, hey.

[1:00:24] We don't edit it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:24] That's you.

[1:00:25] Yeah.

[1:00:26] High five, Stuart.

[1:00:27] Making Dan do extra work.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:29] So, if anyone has a recommendation they want to jump in with.

[1:00:33] Elliot's all ready for it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:35] Well, I'll recommend a movie.

[1:00:36] The movie I want to recommend is an English – I guess it's not an English action movie so much as it's an American action movie that was directed by an Englishman and starred a lot of English people.

[1:00:46] From the 1960s, a movie called Dark of the Sun, which stars Rod Taylor and Jim Brown as two mercenaries who have to go into an African nation that's currently experiencing a Civil War guerrilla uprising.

[1:00:59] To save the staff and diamonds of a diamond company.

[1:01:03] And so they need to get through basically a brutal civil war, get a bunch of people onto a train and a satchel full of diamonds and take it back.

[1:01:13] And it is, for the most part, nonstop action.

[1:01:17] And especially for a movie from the mid-60s, it is super violent.

[1:01:21] And the body count in it is what you would expect from an 80s movie, just like they shoot tons and tons of people.

[1:01:27] There's a scene where Rod Taylor fights a German wielding a chainsaw.

[1:01:31] There's a lot of crazy stuff in it.

[1:01:33] And it's a good action suspense movie that's surprisingly brutal for the time it was made.

[1:01:38] So I recommend that.

[1:01:39] Dark of the Sun.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:41] I'd like to – what I'll recommend just came to me.

[1:01:46] Last night I hosted a bad movie screening, which I do for a time to time.

[1:01:50] I don't just –

[1:01:51] I don't just –

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:52] He's recommending going to Dan's apartment and making him show a bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:56] It is a pretty great experience.

[1:01:58] But I just want to – I don't just talk when it comes to bad movies.

[1:02:00] I walk the walk.

[1:02:02] I enjoy screening them for non-flop house reasons.

[1:02:07] Okay.

[1:02:07] Keep going.

[1:02:08] And I screen the movie.

[1:02:10] But Dan's saying it's a sickness.

[1:02:12] Birdemic Shock and Terror, which is a movie that has gotten a lot of cult attention as a bad movie.

[1:02:17] I feel like it's the next The Room sort of – or – and just as The Room was the next Troll 2.

[1:02:26] What was Troll 2 the next of?

[1:02:28] Plan 9?

[1:02:28] Plan 9.

[1:02:29] What was Plan 9 the next of?

[1:02:30] I think that irony hadn't been invented then.

[1:02:34] Oh, yeah, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:35] People only enjoyed things when they were good.

[1:02:38] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:39] But Birdemic is a pretty amazing movie.

[1:02:42] It's a movie about –

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] Hey, you ever seen the movie The Birds?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:46] Yeah.

[1:02:46] That's Birdemic.

[1:02:47] Except for there's 40 minutes of driving around and a guy like making a million-dollar deal at his nondescript tech company and talking about that.

[1:03:01] And he gets solar cells put on his house.

[1:03:02] Yeah, and he goes on dates with a girl that he just met in front of various green screens.

[1:03:08] And then with no foreshadowing at all, all of a sudden a bunch of birds show up and start dive-bombing things and After Effects explosions start appearing on things.

[1:03:18] And are these real birds?

[1:03:19] No, these are looped animations of birds that are just sort of hovering in the air.

[1:03:23] They're flapping their wings, but the – like the only bird that can actually hover in the air is the hummingbird.

[1:03:29] And these are not hummingbirds.

[1:03:30] These are like big hawks.

[1:03:32] Ornithologist over here.

[1:03:34] Mr. Birds over here.

[1:03:36] Flapping.

[1:03:36] Birdman of Dancatraz.

[1:03:38] And this movie has a weird sort of green message.

[1:03:43] It is a pro-environmental message.

[1:03:45] It's the sort of thing that's like – you're not helping the cause by making Birdemic and putting that on the boat.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:51] Let me ask you this.

[1:03:52] The female star of the movie, do you see her in her underpants?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:55] You do see her in her underpants.

[1:03:57] Okay.

[1:03:58] In a sort of a thong panty.

[1:04:01] And she is certainly very attractive.

[1:04:04] She's one of the few people in the movie that I felt like could possibly be a passable actress too if she was in a better movie.

[1:04:11] Sure.

[1:04:11] If she's going to be in her panties, I mean –

[1:04:13] Underpants.

[1:04:15] I'd like to point out that Mr. Elliot asked a leading question that brought us to the panties.

[1:04:22] It wasn't me bringing up panties.

[1:04:24] I knew you wanted to talk about it.

[1:04:27] He was chomping at the bit over here.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:29] Champion.

[1:04:31] Champion of the bit.

[1:04:32] I'm going to recommend a movie I saw recently.

[1:04:36] It was actually an Academy Award nominee a few years ago and that's Winner's Bone.

[1:04:41] Winner's Bone.

[1:04:41] Winner's Bone with – what's her name?

[1:04:44] Jennifer Lawrence.

[1:04:46] Lawrence.

[1:04:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:04:47] And John Hawks.

[1:04:48] And John Hawks.

[1:04:49] He was great.

[1:04:50] And if you want to see a movie with tons of chicks wearing like hunting jackets and sweaters with animals and shit on them, this is the movie for you.

[1:04:59] Is that the IMDb keyword that you put in for it?

[1:05:03] Chicks wearing hunting jackets.

[1:05:05] Yeah, so if you're really into hunting jacket chicks, check out Where's the Magic?

[1:05:09] They're just not making enough movies for me.

[1:05:11] A guy who likes chicks and hunting jackets and animal sweaters.

[1:05:14] Is it the same thing about what the movie's about?

[1:05:14] Yes.

[1:05:15] Does it have a plot?

[1:05:16] Yeah, it's about a woman stuck in a man's world.

[1:05:19] And I mean, I guess that's accurate.

[1:05:22] I mean, also like 9 to 5 could be described that way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:26] Thematically, yes.

[1:05:27] Alien 3 could be described that way.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:30] There's some jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:32] There's a fair amount of tension.

[1:05:35] You were going out of your way not to say what this – did you watch this movie?

[1:05:40] Did you watch it in mute?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:42] I think we'll have to fast forward to it.

[1:05:44] I was hoping to see some chicken panties.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:47] No, it's about a young girl who –

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:50] I want to try to do the man's world.

[1:05:52] It's about a young girl who has to raise her younger brother and sister and at the same time find her father because her father needs to – what is it?

[1:06:02] Is up for bail or he's jumped his bail.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:04] He jumped bail and as collateral for the bail, he put their house.

[1:06:07] So she needs to find him to speak her house.

[1:06:08] Yeah, she has to track him down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:09] And they find a way to take a – I guess a modern setting and still make it feel almost like a western of this young woman having to track her father down through these increasingly creepy parts of their town.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:21] And to do a noir story that's not set in a city but in a rural location.

[1:06:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:27] So it's pretty great.

[1:06:28] It's really good.

[1:06:29] It's a good recommendation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:30] There's a lot of chicks in hunting jackets.

[1:06:32] And what kind of sweaters did you say that?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:34] Yeah, one of them skins a squirrel at one point.

[1:06:38] So you got that.

[1:06:39] Don't give away all the good stuff.

[1:06:40] Yeah, save some for the ticket buyers.

[1:06:43] So guys, 100 episodes.

[1:06:46] 100 laughs.

[1:06:47] We did it.

[1:06:47] 100 episodes, 100 laughs.

[1:06:51] AFI's Flophouse.

[1:06:54] So do like 200 more, right?

[1:06:58] One of the next 100 we have in store for us.

[1:07:00] One more, a couple of gray balls over here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:01] Well, something tells me we're going to be watching Warmaduke eventually.

[1:07:05] And Bucky Larson.

[1:07:06] And Bucky Larson and maybe Smurfs 3 if our fans have anything to say about it.

[1:07:12] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:13] Well, until we watch all those movies, I suppose I should sign off and say that for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:07:20] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:21] And I am still Elliot Kalin.

[1:07:24] Goodbye.

[1:07:24] I think it's pretty amazing that we haven't had to watch a single one of the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:29] Nobody makes us do this.

[1:07:30] That we haven't been forced into watching it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:42] It was really tender.

[1:07:44] I cooked it for like seven hours.

[1:07:47] It's just like, it hits your mouth and it melts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:52] It's so juicy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:55] Yeah, it's actually a brisket that's sculpted out of ice.

[1:07:59] Ice brisket.

The Flop House: Episode #100 - Tango & Cash

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