The Flop House: Episode #106 - Immortals

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the spiritual sequel to Wet Pecs, Immortals.

[0:31] Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house. Hey Stuart, how you doing buddy? I'm pretty good at homes.

[0:38] Let's introduce ourselves, shall we? I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Charles Kalin.

[0:46] Really? Yeah, that's my real middle name. Okay. Aren't you worried that stalkers are going to follow you because they know your middle name?

[0:52] When I told you my middle name was Septimus Forthright, that was a lie.

[0:56] Wait, is that all one word or? No, it's two words. It's two words. Hyphen, no hyphen.

[1:00] George R. R. Martin gets two middle names. I get two middle names. You get as many middle names as you want, buddy.

[1:04] Yeah. I just want to say that middle is big. Limited only by your imagination.

[1:08] Stu's wearing, I don't know, maybe like a wrestling top. Just wearing a sleeveless shirt. That's what we're doing now.

[1:15] We're fucking describing stuff in the room. Well, it says face 22 on the front.

[1:21] This is 32. It's 32, sorry. He was slouching. And it says, what does it say on the back?

[1:27] It says chill in quotes. So this is the top house where we talk about each other's tops?

[1:37] I've got a striped polo shirt and Dan is wearing a short-sleeved gray t-shirt.

[1:45] No pocket, has nothing to carry around. See you in two weeks on the top house.

[1:51] Now back to the flop house, the podcast you thought you were listening to.

[1:56] What do we do here, Dan? We watch a movie, usually a bad movie, presumably a bad movie, and we discuss it.

[2:03] The assumption is the movie we're watching shall be bad, but it isn't always.

[2:09] Yeah, sometimes we're surprised. Hope springs eternal, Elliot.

[2:12] Yep, hope springs internal.

[2:14] Yep, that was a joke about an IUD from The Simpsons, not an IED. That would be a different thing.

[2:21] Dan, are you okay? You're getting sloppy tonight.

[2:24] A little bit. We watched a movie tonight called Immortals.

[2:28] Immortals. Immortals, yeah.

[2:30] Immortals is not a word. Immortal would be a mortal person.

[2:35] This is an interesting one because this is a movie directed by Tarsem, who directed Elliot's favorite movie.

[2:44] Not ever, but from a year or two ago.

[2:47] One of my favorite movies came out around 2005, 2006.

[2:51] He directed The Fall.

[2:52] The Fall, which is a movie I do love very much, and it's a flawed movie.

[2:55] I can see why other people wouldn't like it, but it strikes a particular chord with me.

[3:00] I was intrigued when Dan said he wanted to watch Immortals because The Fall was only Tarsem's second movie.

[3:06] His first was The Cell, which is not very good.

[3:08] It's got J-Lo and Vincent D'Onofrio in it.

[3:11] Yeah, and Immortals is his third movie.

[3:13] She's bootylicious, I'm led to believe.

[3:15] That's not a J-Lo song.

[3:17] I'm glad that he said led to believe, like somebody's been telling you, but you haven't checked it out yet.

[3:22] You haven't done the due diligence to find out how bootylicious she may or may not be.

[3:28] Probably not true because Dan used the Internet to check that type of data.

[3:33] I am told that that is an adjective that might be used to describe her.

[3:39] The young people?

[3:40] Yeah, sure, the youth.

[3:41] From like ten years ago?

[3:43] The butt squad.

[3:46] Wait, is that like an official organization?

[3:49] Yeah, is the butt squad a club for young people or is it some kind of quasi-governmental butt inspection team?

[3:55] You go to www.TheButtSquad.org.

[3:58] Okay, so it's a non-profit.

[4:00] Yeah, of course.

[4:01] That'll be a good test for the Five House audience.

[4:04] They can go to that and they can discover what that is.

[4:07] What is it, Dan?

[4:08] Do you know?

[4:09] I have no idea.

[4:10] They will learn in real time, whereas we probably have learned by that time.

[4:14] Well, we were talking about a movie, I think, before we got on to your fictional butt squad,

[4:22] which tests the booty-liciousness of various female celebrities.

[4:27] It's a movie based on Greek mythology?

[4:30] Very loosely based.

[4:33] Tarsem Singh is a director who is known for his visual sense,

[4:39] and I'm a huge fan of his movie The Fall, but his other movie is not so good,

[4:42] so we decided, let's give Immortals a try.

[4:45] Yeah, but it did okay.

[4:47] It wasn't too big of a flop in the old box office.

[4:50] Essentially, it did okay.

[4:52] Yeah, it did all right.

[4:53] It made its money back.

[4:54] I think, yeah.

[4:56] Wikipedia seemed to suggest that it doubled its budget.

[5:00] But that doesn't necessarily include marketing and so forth.

[5:03] Critically, Home Run?

[5:06] Base hit?

[5:08] A bunch, maybe?

[5:09] It got okay.

[5:11] Yeah, the sports analogies are kind of fucking me up right now.

[5:15] Despite the fact that you look like you're ready for a pickup basketball game.

[5:19] That's what I was doing before I came over, just doing the hoops.

[5:22] Oh, that's why you got the round ball under your arm.

[5:24] Scoring three-pointers.

[5:25] Now you're spitting the ball on your finger.

[5:27] Now you're somehow, you took a bite out of it.

[5:29] That's weird.

[5:30] It's full of chocolate.

[5:32] Yeah.

[5:34] And a bird hatched out of it.

[5:36] Should I be doing sound effects?

[5:37] No, it's radio magic.

[5:38] Use your imagination.

[5:39] Okay.

[5:41] So Immortals.

[5:42] So this is the story about, I guess, why we watched it?

[5:45] That was the backstory.

[5:46] So Immortals, here's what it's about.

[5:48] Wait, this is the plot description, right?

[5:50] This is the synopsis.

[5:51] Okay.

[5:52] The ancient Greek hero synopses who would tell people how stories went to save them time.

[5:57] Doesn't have a beard.

[5:58] You assume he's an old man with a beard, but he's actually young and totally cut.

[6:02] Yeah, like everyone in Immortals except for John Hurt, he is young and totally cut.

[6:06] I mean, John Hurt could be pretty cut.

[6:08] He wears a big robe.

[6:10] He does wear a big robe that looks like it's made out of feathers and leaves,

[6:12] the kind of thing that, like, if Bea Arthur was an Earth Mother coven witch somewhere.

[6:17] Honestly, John Hurt has basically looked the same for the last 30 years.

[6:22] Yeah, old.

[6:23] He's got, well, yeah, I guess that's the secret.

[6:26] If you start out looking kind of old, then you're going to, like, people are going to be like,

[6:30] hey, John Hurt's looking pretty good later on if he looks the same.

[6:33] But he hasn't put on any weight anywhere along the line.

[6:36] No, he's probably cut.

[6:37] He's a reedy thin guy who has always seemed kind of.

[6:40] A really, really thin guy.

[6:42] Yeah, you said that weird.

[6:43] He's a reedy.

[6:44] Really.

[6:45] Wait, what?

[6:47] Like a reedy, like, you know.

[6:49] He's reedy?

[6:50] Okay.

[6:51] Okay, here's the synopsis of Immortals.

[6:52] Okay.

[6:53] So, we're in ancient Greece.

[6:54] Mm-hmm.

[6:55] We learn.

[6:56] We are.

[6:57] Ah!

[6:58] Wap house time machine.

[6:59] Oh, my God.

[7:00] My wife.

[7:01] Did we not take our Ritalin before recording the show tonight?

[7:04] We may not be able to stay on one thing for more than 45 seconds.

[7:08] Okay, Immortals synopsis.

[7:11] We're in ancient Greece in the movie.

[7:13] It's terrifying.

[7:15] So, we learn at the beginning that there was a war in the heavens

[7:18] between the gods and the titans.

[7:20] The gods won, and they locked up the titans.

[7:22] Doesn't John Hurt do, like, a voiceover or a monologue telling us that?

[7:28] Yeah, something like that.

[7:29] It's kind of a mix of monologue and more silent storytelling.

[7:34] Okay.

[7:35] But it's mostly John Hurt monologue.

[7:37] It's one of those movies where they're supposed, in the olden days,

[7:40] you know, or in the beginning.

[7:41] Well, yeah, and we hear an old British guy talking.

[7:43] And we're like, oh, man, this is going to be old and awesome.

[7:45] I know.

[7:46] We're in good hands now.

[7:49] Any time a movie starts with a narrator telling you about in the olden days.

[7:52] Just sit back and open up my big bag of Orville Redenbacher's.

[7:55] Legend tales of a war between.

[7:57] Yeah, you're going on a much.

[7:59] The gods locked up the titans in a box.

[8:01] The only thing that can let them out is a bolt from an arrow from this magic bow

[8:07] that's hidden somewhere on earth.

[8:09] It's somewhere in ancient Greece, which is a mistake.

[8:11] They have the whole earth to put it.

[8:12] The gods should just put it somewhere on the other side of the world.

[8:15] Maybe like America.

[8:16] Or maybe like the bottom of the ocean.

[8:18] Or, you know what?

[8:19] Hey, gods think outside the box.

[8:20] Put it on the moon.

[8:21] It's going to be thousands of years before anyone gets there.

[8:23] Can the gods go to the moon?

[8:24] Why?

[8:25] They're gods.

[8:26] Why not?

[8:27] They can fly.

[8:28] Okay.

[8:29] They don't have to breathe, I assume.

[8:30] They can fight in slow motion.

[8:32] So that means they could probably go really fast to the moon.

[8:34] Exactly.

[8:35] Okay.

[8:36] Okay.

[8:37] So the titans are locked up.

[8:38] Only this bow can unlock them.

[8:39] Mickey Rourke plays King Hyperion, a...

[8:42] He's the handsome lead, right?

[8:44] No.

[8:45] He is the meatloaf-faced, mush-mouthed barbarian king

[8:49] who is slowly conquering his way across the ancient world,

[8:52] raping and pillaging and murdering and eating constantly.

[8:55] Constantly eating.

[8:56] I feel like Mumbles is upset about something.

[8:59] Yeah.

[9:00] Mumbles making comprehensible.

[9:03] He wants to take over the world.

[9:05] He hates the gods.

[9:06] He wants to destroy them and be remembered forever.

[9:08] His big goal is he wants to be remembered.

[9:09] So he gets this big army of dicks with masks on their face.

[9:12] Yeah.

[9:13] His army is a jerk.

[9:14] All his soldiers have masks on their face.

[9:15] And here's the great thing is that most movies,

[9:17] when someone's wearing a mask, you just hear their voice normally.

[9:20] In Immortals, everyone's voice is muffled as it would be

[9:23] if you were wearing a big leather mask,

[9:25] which makes it even harder to hear what people are saying.

[9:27] And Mickey Rourke luckily wears a mask sometimes,

[9:30] so his already hard-to-understand voice becomes impossible.

[9:34] Yeah.

[9:35] And you're torn between respecting the film for its verisimilitude

[9:39] and being irritated at it.

[9:41] Since much of the dialogue is like an old man without his teeth in

[9:44] on the other side of a wall,

[9:46] and you're trying to figure out where he hid his gold.

[9:48] And all you can hear is...

[9:53] as he's talking to whatever ghosts he thinks have come to visit him.

[9:56] So anyway, King Hyperion is pillaging his way through life.

[10:00] in a in a tiny village on a cliff

[10:03] on the sheerest cliff in the world which is about a million feet high

[10:07] they they probably picked that spot because it's really defensible against

[10:10] barbarian armies you would think

[10:12] apparently revolves very easily but you find

[10:15] our hero Theseus who is a strapping young lad

[10:18] who is played by what's the actor's name Cavill? Henry Cavill or something like that

[10:23] who is basically a chest and a face

[10:25] yeah not much of a charismatic actor he's the body

[10:29] but he is a master fighter he's been trained by old man John Hurt

[10:33] who we soon learn is Zeus but Theseus doesn't know that. He has no idea, he never figures out

[10:39] he's Zeus in disguise

[10:40] he finds out that the bad guys are coming

[10:44] everyone of the upper classes is allowed to leave the village now but the

[10:48] peasants have to wait a day

[10:49] and this causes Theseus to get into a fight with some soldiers

[10:52] is that a common thread in Greek mythology like the

[10:56] like class warfare and class division? Not exactly but kind of

[11:00] you find a lot I mean they did have an aristocracy, a slave class

[11:04] and then you know a poor class and a merchant class but in the Greek myths

[11:07] you don't see too much of that and in the Greek system like

[11:10] a slave could eventually work himself up to becoming a citizen

[11:13] yeah if he finds enough golden fleeces. Yeah that's the main way

[11:17] so most didn't because golden fleeces are very hard to find

[11:21] but he gets into a fight with the

[11:26] I remember the names mainly because

[11:29] of Midsummer Night's Dream. Yeah so he gets into a fight with a big salamander

[11:33] and it's not as cool as it sounds. The next day the peasants are getting ready to leave

[11:38] uh oh, bad guy army shows up, kills everybody

[11:42] kills. If only they'd left a day earlier. I know, kills Theseus' mom

[11:46] and Theseus is made a slave in the salt mines

[11:49] for the bad guys. For like a second. But apparently like a big army like that

[11:53] needs a lot of salt

[11:54] because they need to bring out the flavor of their food. Well if a dude

[11:58] kills like four or five of your soldiers

[12:00] and is super badass and tough, probably want that guy alive mining salt for you

[12:05] You want him alive, you want him mad at you. His salt production is gonna be really high

[12:08] You know it's like if his fighting skills were that good, imagine how good his salt

[12:12] mining skills are

[12:13] and then what you do is you then murder his mom in front of him

[12:17] to really get him good at mining salt. Well you motivate him. Because he's gonna cry

[12:21] onto that salt and that salt's gonna be extra salty after that

[12:25] You just dry it in the sun and you get double salt. Double salt, that tastes so good

[12:29] That's how you make bacon basically. So he's

[12:33] but before he even gets the salt mine he is part of a group of slaves trudging

[12:37] through the desert carrying wood for some reason

[12:39] they meet up at a place where the bad guys have captured

[12:44] the four oracles, one of whom is Rita Pinto

[12:47] and these are four women. You may know her from Rise of the Planet of the Apes

[12:51] or Slumdog Millionaire

[12:52] or from her namesake Bean

[12:55] or her namesake car, the Pinto. She's got a finger in a lot of pies

[13:00] Hey, no whoa, hey, what are you trying to say about her?

[13:04] It's pretty gross. So yeah

[13:07] so these four women dress up like, I don't know, like

[13:10] lamps. They wear robes

[13:14] like a brothel. Weird headgear is a Tarsem Singh

[13:20] He's all about it. So you got a priest who has a hat with candles on it

[13:25] you got these lady oracles who wear like lampshades on their head

[13:28] Mickey Rourke has a helmet that has teeth on the front and then bunny ears that are

[13:32] also crab claws on the top

[13:34] Yeah, it's like a crab crossed with a Venus flytrap

[13:37] on his head. Everyone's got crazy masks and helmets

[13:41] One of these oracles is a real oracle

[13:44] the other three are decoys, just like Queen Amidala

[13:48] Thanks for bringing it back down for me. Bringing it to something you'd understand

[13:52] and hey, guess what? The one who's the real oracle is the one who's played by

[13:55] an actress you've seen in other movies. And just like in

[13:58] The Phantom Menace, the treachery works

[14:01] and the real oracle is able to escape. And so Theseus and Frida Pinto and

[14:07] a thief named, played by Stephen Dorff

[14:10] named question mark? His name was

[14:14] let's call him Thepheus. Let's call him Stelos

[14:18] They run off and escape and they decide I guess to become a

[14:23] and they run off and escape also with a monk who cut out his own tongue

[14:27] rather than reveal to Mickey Rourke the location of the oracles

[14:30] and the four of them go on the run. Is this a speaking role?

[14:34] It's barely even a walking role. Doesn't get a lot of screen time

[14:38] The four of them go on the run to try to get their revenge against King Rourkos

[14:42] Hyperion and they just kinda run around and have

[14:46] like two adventures that are really minor, kind of boring. Meanwhile Hyperion

[14:50] wanders around looking for this bow

[14:52] and eventually they all meet up at this huge wall

[14:56] that's guarding the city of something or other where everybody seems to live

[15:00] Tartarus, Mount Tartarus. Oh it's Mount Tartarus, that's right.

[15:04] You made the comment about how it's where the sauce is made

[15:07] I checked Wikipedia and it turns out you're wrong. Oh really? Where do they make tartar sauce?

[15:13] They make it in Seatowns along the

[15:16] New England shoreline. In Seatown grocery stores?

[15:20] Yeah, in Seatown. Steve's Seatown. Steve's Seatown.

[15:24] That's a very local reference. It's a Park Slope reference.

[15:27] That's a deep cut. So all of our Park Slope fans

[15:31] of which there are one. Everyone, here's an interesting tidbit. All you sin steward a dollar.

[15:36] If any of you are Three Stooges fans, take a pilgrimage

[15:40] to 9th Street between 5th and 6th Avenue in Park Slope in Brooklyn.

[15:44] Then poke yourself in the eyes. There's a grocery store called Steve's Seatown

[15:48] and where that grocery store is

[15:50] used to be a vaudevillian movie theater and it's one of the places that Three Stooges

[15:54] performed very early on in their career.

[15:56] So while you're buying groceries

[15:59] you can think about all the laughs. Think about all the laughs you missed out on

[16:02] a hundred years ago. I hope you have the time of your life.

[16:09] Kodak film. Dan McCoy for Kodak film.

[16:12] So they all meet up at this big wall.

[16:16] The heads of the elderly council are like,

[16:19] we will simply reason with King Hyperion, the man who rapes and pillages his way

[16:25] across Greece.

[16:26] Surely that will be all right. Eventually King Hyperion proves them wrong by

[16:29] walking up to a man and cutting his head off

[16:31] instantly. It's the worst computer animation in the movie. It's like

[16:35] something out of a Tim and Eric sketch.

[16:38] Yeah, like he swings a sword and then the guy's head just floats away.

[16:41] And there's like,

[16:45] yeah, it's just like a fountain of fake blood but CGI'd in.

[16:48] But anyway, so there's a big battle.

[16:52] The king has by this point has found the bow. I forgot to mention Theseus finds

[16:56] the bow encased in rock

[16:58] inside the tomb of his village where he buries his mother.

[17:01] In a big fight with a guy with a minotaur mask. Yeah, right after he finds the bow.

[17:06] A guy with a big bull helmet fights him. That was a pretty fun scene.

[17:10] He hits him with a meat cleaver and then a club a couple times.

[17:13] Well, he hits him with a club several times. More times than you would expect.

[17:16] After the minotaur is down on the ground on his back.

[17:19] How many times is enough times? It's a fucking minotaur.

[17:22] That's what I loved about the movie. It was accurate

[17:26] to how that fight would go down. We're just like, okay, this minotaur is down but I am

[17:30] not trusting it so I'm gonna beat him with this club like 12 more times.

[17:33] So you're gonna say it's kind of at odds with all the other fight scenes in the

[17:38] movie which are like slow motion like

[17:40] you know, like dance fighting basically. Yeah, there's a lot of...

[17:43] So you mentioned that everyone's attacks are jump attacks.

[17:46] Well, jump attacks are the hardest to defend. Jump attacks like

[17:50] like Mario and Super Mario. Yeah, jumping on their heads and making them small.

[17:53] You jump on a soldier and you turn into a shell and you kick the shell and he knocks all the

[17:57] other soldiers over.

[17:58] You're safe. Based on battle tactics.

[18:02] Jump attacks, Stuart. Yeah, they're the hardest to defend because if you want to block high or low,

[18:06] you don't know. It depends on where the attack's coming.

[18:08] Yeah, but anyway, so he's found the bow.

[18:11] He uses the bow to break open the wall of this

[18:15] village or Tartarus. Yeah, he charges up the bow shot.

[18:19] He charges it up by holding it for a long time, lets it go, it blows open the door

[18:23] and there's a long hallway and all the soldiers of Tartarus are like, holy shit!

[18:27] And start fighting among themselves. Theseus gets up above the doorway and

[18:31] shouts a speech at them

[18:32] that you cannot hear half of because the sound is not...

[18:36] The music is too loud. And because I think some... like I was looking up his little skirt the whole time.

[18:40] Yeah, there's a lot of upskirting going on, but also like

[18:43] it is... what you can hear of it is the blandest speech in the world,

[18:46] but it instantly turns the soldiers into a motivated fighting force.

[18:49] Yeah, as soon as they understand somebody's talking to them, they start banging their

[18:53] shields together and shit.

[18:54] Yeah, there's a big fight in a corridor between the good guy soldiers and the bad guy soldiers.

[18:58] King Hyperion, during it, sneaks away and gets to where the titan box is.

[19:03] Yeah, there's like a secret flight of stairs right by the entrance, which seems like a weird choice.

[19:08] The least guarded place also has the staircase that leads to the roof,

[19:11] which leads to the titan box. Let's hide all of our generals right by the stairway, right by the entrance.

[19:16] In case the bad guys get in, they can kill them right away.

[19:19] Let's put all our valuables in the outhouse that doesn't have a lock on it,

[19:23] on a shelf. We'll hide them in plain sight.

[19:27] Now, something we glossed over earlier in the movie, Zeus told the other gods,

[19:31] don't interfere with humans because, and this is what they say,

[19:35] they won't have faith in us unless we have faith in them.

[19:38] That is super accurate to Greek mythology, because if there's one thing I know about the Greek gods is,

[19:43] number one, they really care about humans a lot, and number two, they never interfere with humans.

[19:48] They're like the Watcher. They just watch and they've sworn not to interfere.

[19:51] They're total deists.

[19:54] That's why most Greek myths, it's just like dudes hanging out being dudes.

[20:00] do you think that all of play-doh play-doh dialogues with his dudes hanging out

[20:04] with dudes

[20:06] the greek gods don't do

[20:07] it's come down and indiscriminately rape humans

[20:10] well well well they may come to you in the form of a swan or a bull or a cloud

[20:15] and have sex with you

[20:16] i don't know if i'd call it rape

[20:17] yeah i mean yeah it's true i i i i understand that if a cloud or a swan wants to have sex with me

[20:23] like that's going to be consensual sex i mean come on

[20:26] come on guys sounds right to me

[20:28] like that's the fluffiness imagine the fluffiness of having sex with a swan or a cloud

[20:34] so any uh... any of our listeners out there that are swan based furries

[20:38] dan's into it dan just give it up for it come on just go for it

[20:42] just stop him on the street

[20:43] just uh... write me a pervazoid number one

[20:46] pervazoid number one care of dan mccoy aka pervazoid number one care of boner

[20:51] university brooklyn new york

[20:54] so i got my B.A.

[20:56] boner university

[20:58] a boner of arts

[20:59] i got my B.U. in boners

[21:01] you're PHB

[21:04] you're a doctorate of boning

[21:06] anyway back to the so here's the thing

[21:08] it's a bad philosophy that zeus has because

[21:11] let's would you believe in a god more who answers your prayers or doesn't

[21:16] and i think the answer is

[21:17] for many people they do believe in a god who doesn't answer their prayers

[21:20] but your average human being believes something that he has some proof of

[21:24] if you said to god please god like give me the give me something

[21:28] and that thing descended from heaven to you you'd be like this is ok obviously

[21:31] this is real stuff i think yeah but then you just you start

[21:34] taking that for granted elliott you're asking him for everything

[21:38] you know it's like well yeah but he's like a welfare god at that point

[21:41] it's a culture of god dependency the thing is the gods are awesome

[21:44] like they have these awesome headdresses and cool weapons they're all young hot

[21:48] like american apparel models

[21:50] with or at like uh... with like wireframe helmets wireframe helmets that

[21:54] represent what they have so like poseidon's helmet looks like a fish

[21:57] apollo's helmet is like sun rays i guess a bunch of awesome spikes

[22:01] uh... like super tall spikes yeah

[22:03] and earlier on so

[22:05] zeus has been interfering in the form of a old man that's ok

[22:09] and poseidon comes in at one point as a giant wave and saves theseus

[22:13] that way that's ok

[22:15] they're not allowed to interact as gods

[22:18] confronted by a bunch of bad guys and apollo shows up

[22:21] and with his hammer

[22:22] is just exploding people's heads left and right in slow motion yeah that was

[22:26] actually pretty great it's like it's a pretty great scene he like taps their heads

[22:29] and their heads explode in blood oh yeah and the blood is just slow moting around

[22:33] but uh...

[22:34] because he did that zeus got mad and killed him with a flaming whip

[22:38] of some kind yeah it was weird i guess there was a flaming whip there that seems like an extreme reaction to

[22:42] what what happened

[22:43] he said anyone who interferes is a life-threatener

[22:47] if you're going to live under zeus's roof you have to play by zeus's rules

[22:50] give him a time out forever that's the thing man give him an inch

[22:54] it'll take a mile you know what i mean exactly

[22:56] that's what gods are

[22:58] uh... it's about boundaries yeah gods are just always trying to test the boundaries to find out where they are

[23:02] so there's like a weird shot of uh... apollo's funeral i guess

[23:06] well they just kind of turn him into a table the sun keeps coming up so i don't

[23:09] really know what's going on yeah the gods are not

[23:12] really explicitly linked to the things we think of them as being linked to

[23:15] in the movie except for poseidon jumping into the water

[23:18] like apollo should be except for poseidon being linked to that boat that turned all the way

[23:22] upside down

[23:23] and the people had to get out of that

[23:24] well i mean they didn't remember that adventure they had

[23:28] i mean they had a pretty good adventure yeah yeah that poseidon adventure yeah

[23:33] what what are you talking about i don't know

[23:35] so anyway the gods have just said we're not going to interfere unless the titans are

[23:38] released

[23:39] well

[23:40] guess what the titans get released

[23:42] and

[23:43] the titans just turn out to be kind of like

[23:45] rage zombies from twenty eight days later but with swords they're just super fast monsters

[23:50] grey super fast monsters they're kind of like the vampires from

[23:54] from dusk till dawn yeah yeah

[23:56] and so the gods fight them for a while sort of squishy

[23:59] yeah but i mean not as sexy

[24:01] more like wacky faces the gods fight them for a while theseus is fighting

[24:05] mickey o'rourke

[24:06] and the soldiers are fighting each other

[24:08] and

[24:09] eventually

[24:10] zeus the gods are for every titan they kill

[24:13] a thousand more come up and start killing them

[24:15] and so zeus just decides to take two big chains and pull down the whole chamber

[24:19] on top of everybody

[24:20] because gods are apparently vulnerable to the same thing that coal miners is

[24:23] which is cave-ins

[24:25] these gods are super powerful but they cannot get out of a caved in cave

[24:29] i mean the gods seem to get out of it fine they just teleport away yeah

[24:32] they use a teleporting power we never saw them use before

[24:35] and they also use it to teleport theseus who is currently triumphant over

[24:39] hyperion after they have that like mumbly argument

[24:42] they have a very mumbly fight a long battle

[24:45] and they mumble at each other a lot

[24:47] and it plays on there was that scene early on where mickey o'rourke reveals

[24:51] that king hyperion has a weakness to being stabbed in the foot

[24:55] so later on theseus plays on that by stabbing him in the foot

[24:59] no, anyone is vulnerable to being stabbed in the foot

[25:02] it's just a people thing

[25:05] i'm not sure elliot, i'm not sure about that

[25:08] let's have a fight and you can stab me in the foot and we can see

[25:11] okay so that's dan wants me to stab him in the foot and then summoner of the swan costume

[25:15] can rape him

[25:16] i think we agreed it wasn't rape

[25:20] yeah you're putting together a pretty long to-do list

[25:23] there's one thing i want to put out there

[25:24] it's that that's not

[25:26] a very specific erotic fantasy that i have

[25:29] it's 100% just a thing that's going to happen

[25:32] i'm not going to get off on it, it's fine

[25:36] right guys?

[25:38] i feel so uncomfortable now

[25:40] with the way this episode has gone

[25:42] so immortals

[25:44] everybody wins in the end except the bad guys

[25:48] and at the end frida pinto has a son, theseus is dead

[25:51] no he teleports away

[25:54] his soul is divine because he's a hero

[25:59] so he gets to go up to olympus

[26:02] and probably be a constellation or something

[26:04] yeah i assume so, it's like when a cop becomes a security guard

[26:08] or something

[26:09] a hero becomes a constellation, it's just like an after retirement job

[26:13] we're going to get a gold watch and then i'm going to become a constellation

[26:18] just to augment his pension

[26:21] the job, the working world, i'm going to literally moonlight

[26:26] that's good, that's great

[26:31] but frida pinto has a son because earlier she had sex with theseus

[26:34] yeah she did

[26:35] uh... and

[26:37] probably a body double though, right?

[26:38] yeah we all agree, there was a little nudity in this film, we agreed

[26:42] it was probably a body double

[26:45] so if you're listening

[26:47] the fine work of that body double did very good work standing there with no clothes on

[26:52] she did exactly what was expected of her

[26:54] so good work, she took her clothes off and was there, she laid down

[26:59] but john hurt appears to this little boy

[27:03] and says something

[27:04] and the little boy has a vision

[27:06] and that vision is of a huge battle in heaven between people i guess

[27:11] and titans

[27:12] and that's the end of the movie

[27:13] so i guess the sequel is maybe setting us up for a larger battle

[27:17] the titans get out and fight in the sky or something

[27:20] but that's the movie

[27:21] it basically looked like a lot of people fighting on the ground but in different

[27:27] uh... they're just like in the air from different angles

[27:31] yeah it reminded me, there's a painting from the eighteen nineties

[27:35] called divine tragedy

[27:36] where a bunch of gods are just having their shit kicked out of them and that

[27:40] it reminded me a lot of that

[27:41] that sounds like an awesome heavy metal song

[27:44] it is the most heavy metal

[27:45] nineteenth-century painting i've ever seen

[27:47] and it's enormous

[27:49] so it's enormous and it's in the museum

[27:52] dorset, so that's your recommendation for this week, yes go to go to paris

[27:57] go to the dorset

[27:59] and look at the divine tragedy painting because it is

[28:02] crazy

[28:03] uh... and bring your guitars

[28:05] you're going to want to riff, so one thing that i think is worth

[28:09] mentioning

[28:10] uh... about this movie we talked about it while we were watching it

[28:13] so the guy who plays Theseus was also in red riding uh... was in uh... red riding hood

[28:17] red riding hood

[28:18] and uh... that was a movie that involved a giant uh... iron uh... elephant

[28:24] where people were put inside and cooked

[28:27] uh... as a torture or punishment yeah and this movie has a giant

[28:30] metal bowl

[28:32] where the fake oracles are put inside and cooked over an open flame

[28:36] and so to think that the one actor was in two movies

[28:40] where there was a metal animal that people were put inside as a torture

[28:44] and cooked to be cooked

[28:46] i mean i think you're also saying it's a little

[28:50] like i think it's weird that you're assuming it's exclusive to those two

[28:53] movies i mean i think almost every big-budget movie has something like that

[28:56] i don't know that i mean i don't go to a lot of movies but this

[28:59] transmorphers i keep hearing about

[29:01] no not at all there's no people in a metal animal that get burned i don't think so

[29:07] but maybe that's in his contract that has to be in a movie he's in

[29:11] but i will i will say one thing about this movie is that

[29:13] being a tarsem singh movie it is visually gorgeous

[29:17] a lot of work even things look goofy sometimes always a lot of

[29:21] effort and high emotion is put into

[29:24] the landscapes the lighting the costumes the

[29:27] shots

[29:29] dramatically inert like it's boring as hell for much of it

[29:33] and

[29:34] nothing really happens and even steven dorff is boring i think we all mentioned

[29:38] even that sounds crazy like i just how could you imagine he is supposed to be

[29:43] like a master thief a charismatic master thief who meets up with the hero

[29:47] maybe teaches him how to play dirty

[29:49] but he doesn't do that like he he has not the character basically barely

[29:53] exists

[29:53] and just ends up being a soldier in the army later on banging his shield like

[29:57] everybody else

[29:58] and uh... never use any chum

[30:00] being attacking people yeah and it's

[30:02] a very

[30:03] like boiler this story was very boilerplate doll

[30:07] mumbly movie

[30:09] but visually it's it's got a lot going for it

[30:11] but yeah but i mean you know that like john hurt says movie uh... and he's

[30:15] never been what's his face mumbles i mean it was a bloody baseballs

[30:19] i think it is a cameo appearance in spain is in spain's baseballs

[30:24] uh... i think we've already mentioned space balls is kind of standard of

[30:27] there's a lot of people who are comedies

[30:31] there's a barbed wire minotaur in this movie yeah i mean there are a few okay things in it

[30:35] but uh... there's a metal bowl that cooks three women alive inside of it

[30:40] but i will say for a movie that is very much like there's a scene where a guy smashes

[30:44] another dude's balls with a giant hammer the minotaur does that uh... one of the

[30:48] villagers uh... a soldier

[30:50] defects to mickey roark and mickey roark says

[30:52] you're a traitor why would i want you here when you've already shown me you're a

[30:55] traitor he says something like that we're not really sure imagine he's mumbling and

[31:00] eating at the same time he's also eating and spitting things at the same time

[31:04] and into his own beard as a way of

[31:06] uh... he accepts him into his army reluctantly and then has the minotaur

[31:10] crushes balls as a way of taking his cowardice out of the earth's gene pool

[31:15] yeah which is a pretty it's a pretty

[31:17] badass moment

[31:19] should if the movie had lived up to that kind of villainy

[31:22] it would have been great it's a testicular croquet yes

[31:25] but instead it gets very dull

[31:27] uh... it's uh... there's one scene where

[31:30] mickey roark is standing in front of his army making threats while he's also

[31:33] chowing down on walnuts and he's getting crumbs in his mustache and it's it's

[31:37] really hard to be scared of him when he's got crumbs in his mustache and his beard

[31:41] i would say on the subject of stuff coming out of mickey roark's mouth

[31:46] the high point of the movie for me is at the end

[31:49] he's got theseus he's got hyperion on the ground and

[31:53] i think he's like he says some like sassy thing before he stabs him in the

[31:57] throat probably a call back to something hyperion said to him before he killed

[32:00] his mom he stabs him right in the throat and immediately all this blood flies all

[32:05] over the place like squirts out of his mouth like he had a mouth full of fruit juice and then it

[32:09] cuts to theseus and theseus probably mumbles something back

[32:13] and then it cuts back to uh... hyperion

[32:15] no blood anywhere

[32:17] he's just making a gritty face and then it cuts away cuts back blood everywhere

[32:20] again it's perfect it's bad continuity

[32:23] yeah i like that part that was my favorite

[32:25] your favorite part was the mistake

[32:27] yeah i like it i'm a big fan of film flubs

[32:31] it's this is i feel like even for it's a movie that's living in the shadow of

[32:35] three hundred

[32:36] in a lot of ways but i

[32:38] personally enjoyed three hundred a lot because it's a big stupid dumb movie

[32:42] but like a crazy movie oh it's stupid and this movie is both

[32:45] not quite as stupid but not quite as crazy and fun

[32:50] it seems to be afraid of becoming stupid

[32:54] which is a bad thing this leads us into our final judgments because i don't think there's a lot more to say

[32:58] about this and

[32:59] i wanted to say you know like

[33:00] i wanted to like this movie

[33:02] it's got uh... it's got john hurt it's got mickey rourke it's got freda pinto bean

[33:07] who's very beautiful it's got

[33:09] a bunch of like beautiful shots in it it's actually like it looks great it

[33:14] looks much better than almost any movie we've seen it looks better than three

[33:18] hundred a movie that i don't like as much i think is either you or or stewart

[33:22] but like

[33:23] but i like it better than this movie because

[33:26] like at least three hundred has a certain narrative drive behind it like

[33:31] it just never stops it has flop house all-star gerard butler

[33:35] chewing the scenery like a maniac it's a deeply stupid movie but it

[33:41] never stops it never lets up only stops yeah

[33:45] it's a movie it feels like a movie sometimes

[33:48] made up of the scenes between action scenes from other action movies and then

[33:52] occasionally you'll get apollo coming down and smashing people's heads with a

[33:54] hammer but there's not a lot of that and yeah there's not a lot of drive or

[33:58] intensity on our flop house standard of good bad movie bad bad movie movie we

[34:01] kind of liked i would have to say bad bad uh... eliot

[34:05] uh...

[34:09] yeah i mean i want to say movie i kind of like that like the visuals so much

[34:13] but i would recommend watching it is really looks beautiful but i don't think

[34:17] it's a good-looking bad bad movie

[34:19] yeah i mean i would

[34:21] yeah i would i'd have to say it it falls under bad that i mean it's it's not

[34:25] super terrible i mean it's not as terrible some of the other bad bads

[34:29] uh... and i mean there's some like i think near the end it picks up a little

[34:32] bit when

[34:34] the gods all show up and start murdering the uh... the titans and every time they

[34:37] hit one of them

[34:39] the titans immediately their bodies go into slow motion

[34:42] so they can like slap them in the air and then slap them back down like it's

[34:45] some kind of a video game

[34:47] so that was crazy yeah it becomes more more video game ish

[34:50] at the end

[34:51] uh... which if anything i like i like that because it's a really weird

[34:56] decision to make yeah

[34:58] it doesn't save the fact that

[35:00] this movie probably works best in stills or watched in fast forward

[35:05] yeah no sound

[35:07] so bad i think it's one of the few movies that would work better as a

[35:09] coffee table book

[35:11] yeah and as a movie

[35:12] yeah like i would be i'd love to look through the like making of with just

[35:15] pictures of it yeah

[35:18] uh... so moving on

[35:20] before we get to our mailbag i'd like to thank uh... for donations i would like to

[35:24] thank

[35:25] suddenly dan's all business michael c ten minutes of the podcast

[35:30] like it's like the drugs wore off what's going on

[35:33] uh... but i don't know i'm complaining about it but i'd like to thank michael c

[35:37] for the donation thanks michael

[35:39] also uh...

[35:41] of gamer remy m

[35:43] remy the rad repeats donator

[35:45] oh thanks remy thanks remy that was that that was that flop fan that who you

[35:49] didn't know i remember her now thank you

[35:52] thank you stewart for yeah is it remy or remy

[35:55] remy i would say remy

[35:57] remy ok

[35:58] you know like fucking gambit dude remy lebeau yeah well it's not gambit but

[36:02] good i don't like gambit

[36:04] well you know why don't you like gambit he's a lady pirate cowboy ninja

[36:08] pirate cowboy ninja in pink armor and a trench coat

[36:12] with fingerless gloves i mean rogue is totally into him yeah well rogue has a

[36:17] history of bad choices

[36:21] so uh... this first letter from a fan it's from uh... evan last name withheld

[36:27] uh... it's titled

[36:29] first off

[36:29] no mailbag song

[36:31] he fucking went right into it he just zoomed through he 300'd through that so that i couldn't get into the song

[36:39] yeah well it's titled before i knew it we were hip deep in letters

[36:43] this letter's titled if you don't read this stewart will die

[36:46] i hope dan reads it does the letter have an antidote in it

[36:51] or is it some kind of

[36:52] audio based poison yeah i thought that would get your attention anyway i have

[36:56] to give thanks to you

[36:58] i've had a bad couple of weeks

[37:00] my girlfriend dumped me without any notice

[37:02] you're supposed to give two weeks notice i'm having trouble finding a job

[37:06] i've been drinking more than i should also i've been suffering from serious

[37:10] depression due to my recent circumstances

[37:12] but your podcasts

[37:14] have gotten me to smile like a lunatic wherever i go

[37:17] whether it be dan sighing and muttering oh jesus when everything goes off track

[37:22] or elliot relating something to obscure 1990s x-men comics

[37:27] or sexual fantasies about anne hathaway i don't think that elliott

[37:30] one never happened and two

[37:32] stewart's would have brought up gambit just a second ago and second of all dan's the one who

[37:35] fucking put it off the rails all night tonight yeah i don't know but hey it's true

[37:39] i and i have no sexual fantasies about anne hathaway

[37:42] why not

[37:44] yeah you don't remember the times you were together as boyfriend and girlfriend

[37:48] that pain is still raw you know so yeah it's a scab that hasn't

[37:52] completely healed yeah until my half of the locket can be matched up again with her

[37:56] half of the locket sure and then when that happens the grand conjunction will happen

[38:00] yeah the planets align

[38:01] and then uh... i don't know the end of the dark crystal happens or something

[38:05] yeah and then gozer comes in the skeksis get uh... sucked

[38:08] they get morphed into those weird guys they get turned back into big tree people

[38:12] turned back into groot and then uh...

[38:14] and then gozer and everybody etc

[38:17] but anyway he says i'm always amused but i gotta say stewart's my favorite yes

[38:23] every podcast he seems like it doesn't sound like a female name

[38:27] every podcast he seems like he's somewhere between too drunk and not

[38:31] drunk enough that's his life certainly he is the raconteur of our times

[38:37] anyway i sincerely thank you for your trenchant insights on artistic films such

[38:41] as dream house

[38:43] and mirrors

[38:43] it's helping me through a bad time in my life

[38:46] so i donated in thanks

[38:48] p.s. your one hundredth episode got me to watch tango and cash with my roommate

[38:53] it's all i anticipated

[38:55] and more

[38:56] so that was a heartwarming story i'm glad we could bring some happiness into your life

[38:59] that means a lot to us and that we could share tango and cash with another human being

[39:03] yeah that means even more to us that we could spread the gospel of tnc

[39:07] especially now that sly's going through a rough time

[39:10] yeah don't bring us down on a comedy podcast i shouldn't talk about it

[39:16] and it also dates us

[39:17] this one

[39:19] this next email... and we're married we shouldn't be dating

[39:22] this next email is from uh... the flop house fantasy mailbag

[39:26] so you wrote this to yourself? dear flop house i never thought this would

[39:30] happen to me

[39:31] and it didn't it's titled it's been a while

[39:35] hey dan

[39:36] how are you i know it's been a while since the fantasy mailbag had anything

[39:39] for you hi elliot

[39:42] so i thought i'd drop you a line to see how you're doing i hope all is well

[39:46] take care the flop house fantasy mailbag

[39:49] so is that a thing? yes i'm glad that the fantasy mailbag

[39:54] has checked in uh... welcome to fantasy mailbag

[39:59] you know i guess you get a

[40:00] letter that you want? I don't know. I'm baffled by that. That was your bit. I mean, you don't

[40:04] remember that? Look, I don't remember anything these days. Did you just read an actual letter

[40:09] or did you just make that up on the spot? No, that was an actual letter, but Ellie doesn't

[40:13] even remember his bit. I remember the song. There were a few weeks where we didn't have

[40:17] any letters. Yeah, so we were writing some letters. And so Elliott made up a fantasy

[40:21] mailbag letter. Oh. I remember the song, but I don't remember it. So it is a bit. But not

[40:28] finally, Stuart receives an answer to his age-old question, is this a bit? Wow, is this

[40:34] the last episode of The Blockhouse? We're tying up a lot of loose ends. Yep. The house

[40:39] cat's going to reveal his true identity. That's a maudlin house cat. That was the house cat

[40:48] rehearsing for his Shakespeare play. We're all going to get our wish and get transported

[40:55] to Duckburg where we're going to all live out the rest of our lives. Yeah, that's exactly

[40:58] what I want to do. As half-duck, half-Ninja Turtle characters? And Gyro Gear Loose makes

[41:04] me something to ride around in? Fucking morphs me into Gizmo Duck or something? Gizmo Ninja

[41:10] Duck. I love the idea that there's a part of Stuart's brain that hopes he can be half-duck,

[41:20] half-Ninja Turtle. I'm guessing you want the Ninja Turtle's abs. Of course. Or you want the

[41:27] duck head. And I don't think I want the Ninja Turtle's insatiable lust for pizza. No, that's

[41:34] true. That's more curse than a benefit. The hunger that can never be satisfied.

[41:40] So this is from Matt. You can use my last name, McGrath. Hey, Matt McGrath. Hey, Matt,

[41:46] you can use my last name, McGrath. This is titled Elliot's catchphrase and other stuff.

[41:52] First, a question for Elliot about his catchphrase, Anyhoo. Yep, I haven't said it in a while. Do you

[41:58] start saying this not-so-catchy catchphrase because as a fan of the YTV family channel

[42:04] slash Lucasfilm slash XSTV members TV show version of the classic adventure game Maniac Mansion?

[42:12] If so, he'll know why. If not, he'll just think I'm insane. Maniac Mansion's pretty awesome. Yeah,

[42:19] I mean, the show was not such a great show. Not as awesome as the Nintendo game. But no,

[42:24] that's not the reason why. The reason why was just because it felt like a thing to say.

[42:29] That's the exciting origin story of Anyhoo. It was just that it felt like a word that should

[42:34] come out of my mouth at that moment. Appended to this email is what appears to be a very short

[42:40] spec script for a TV show called Wellington and McCoy. It's an erotic police adventure,

[42:48] I'm assuming. I'll read both parts. More like a neurotic police adventure of McCoy's world.

[42:54] He was making a sum over to Dan. And I said neurotic. Wait, not erotic? Not erotic.

[43:00] The tagline would be, he's erotic, he's neurotic. It's prude meets dude.

[43:07] Yeah, it is. It is prude meets dude. Before the dialogue, there's a little explanation.

[43:14] Stuart, quote, Beef Wellington. Thank you. Is a hard partying vice cop who breaks all the rules.

[43:20] Dan Psy McCoy is a depressed detective who drives all of his partners to suicide.

[43:27] Alone, no department wanted them. Together, they may be the only ones capable of cleaning up this

[43:33] town. Being Duckburg. Okay. Interior. So just explaining it from the Beagle Boys and Morgana,

[43:41] what's her name? Magic of Dispel. I was thinking of Morgana LaFay. Yeah. Magica Dispel.

[43:48] Morgana LaFay was named after Magica Dispel.

[43:52] Interior, dim and smoke-filled strip club, loud hard rock music plays.

[43:57] Stu. Sounds right. Hey, dude. You believe we're getting paid to do this? Say it stupider.

[44:04] Dan. All right. Let's just interview the stripper and get out of here. I can't help but think of

[44:09] the terrible childhoods these women have had to end up taking their clothes off for money.

[44:16] Yeah, but Dan likes that. That's a turn on to him. I bet half of these women have been molested by

[44:20] their stepfathers. I also have a terrible migraine, sighs dramatically. Stu, shotguns of beer,

[44:26] belches loudly. Oh, come on. Check out that chick over there. She'll take care of your

[44:32] head needs. Points to the left of Dan, winks at camera. That's significantly funnier than I

[44:38] actually am in person. Camera pans over to busty woman. Her top comically pops off,

[44:43] accompanied with boring sound effects. Okay, you won me over. Sound effects won me over.

[44:48] Camera jump pans back to Dan Stu. Freeze frame on Stu's wink and Dan's wah-wah reaction.

[44:55] Was that the whole episode? Overlay the end, pause and add the end question mark.

[45:03] So are you shopping the script around? I think it's a little short. It's more of a webisode.

[45:07] Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's a full thing. So if you want Dan and I to film this, just

[45:15] all right. We got a kickstarter. Yeah, let's set it up as a kickstarter. How much do we need?

[45:21] Seven hundred thousand dollars. Seven hundred thousand dollars.

[45:25] Wow, this is a real spectrum of amounts of money. Well, we're going to hire Helen Mirren to play

[45:30] the stripper. Between ten and ten million dollars. Rodney Dangerfield's ghost to play Stuart. Yeah,

[45:36] and he does not come chief. And Dan McCoy will, of course, be played by President Barack Obama,

[45:41] who also does not come chief. Yeah, but speaks in a similar slow and stuttering fashion.

[45:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Well, we know we're going to dub his voice.

[45:52] Yeah. What? Yeah, we're going to dub his voice with the voice of Sean Connery.

[45:56] OK, but Sean Connery is going to be also doing a Darth Maul impression.

[46:04] Sean Connery's famous Darth Maul impression that he doesn't party.

[46:07] It's his favorite Star Wars character. I don't remember Darth Maul saying anything.

[46:10] Because he's got a double in the lightsaber. Well, mostly his impression is like,

[46:15] I'm Darth Maul. Look at this. I got two lightsabers. Well, they only have one lightsaber.

[46:19] You got horns. The Chicago way is to bring a double lifesaver.

[46:23] A double lifesaver. Yeah. Is that a packet with just two lifesavers in it?

[46:28] What a rip off, Dan. Yeah, that's when you take two lifesavers,

[46:31] lick them and stick them together, and then you give it to him too.

[46:34] They call that the Chicago package. Two lifesavers.

[46:39] It's dessert after one of those Chicago style hot dogs.

[46:45] So this last letter for the evening from Nathan Lane.

[46:52] Dear Flappers, I'm sure it has come to your attention that there's an upcoming film

[47:00] entitled Ted starring Seth MacFarlane. Obviously, this is a hit, but there's a film called Ted

[47:11] starring Seth MacFarlane and Mark Wahlberg of Max Payne and the Funky Bunch fame.

[47:19] Is that what that movie is called? The Funky Munch?

[47:24] That was the tie-in serial, I guess.

[47:28] That was the serial. The Funky Bunch was always seen eating. It was Funky Munch.

[47:34] He says it isn't directly addressed in the trailer.

[47:36] On their show, Funky Bunch Saturday mornings.

[47:40] But Ted does appear to be a sequel slash reboot of the 2009 Robbie Coltrane vehicle, Gooby,

[47:50] reimagined for our modern sensibilities. And also, for some reason, Gooby is much shorter named Ted.

[47:57] As the Internet's premier Gooby experts, what are your reactions to the previews for Ted,

[48:05] a.k.a. Gooby 2, colon, 2B? Yours in podcasting, Nathan, last name withheld.

[48:12] Lane.

[48:13] So, Nathan Lane, I think there's a really good question about Gooby.

[48:18] For one, Gooby is terrifying, but hilarious and Eugene Levy's great.

[48:26] You've not answered any of his questions.

[48:29] Yeah, I don't know if that addresses any of his concerns.

[48:36] I just used our stock response.

[48:37] That's true. He does have printed up a form letter for Gooby questions.

[48:41] This is the second time he's used it.

[48:44] The first time was when he mailed one to himself to make sure it worked.

[48:50] He pulls out his letter. I acknowledge that Gooby is hilarious.

[48:54] And terrifying.

[48:57] Yeah, to be honest, I always kind of felt, or I always, in the past couple weeks since Ted

[49:02] has been out, I have felt that it reminds me more of Alf than Gooby.

[49:05] It is very Alfie, yeah, but not like Alfie the movie, like Alf.

[49:09] Because that'd be completely different.

[49:10] Whereas I feel like it reminds me of The Family Guy, where it's just like,

[49:14] oh, okay, instead of a talking dog, there's a teddy bear.

[49:17] So it reminds me of American Dad, which is a totally different show than Family Guy.

[49:21] Instead of a talking dog, there's a talking alien.

[49:25] Yeah, or The Cleveland Show, where I think it's a bear.

[49:28] So, to sum up, Seth MacFarlane is brilliant.

[49:32] We're excited about the new season of all those shows, right?

[49:35] Yeah, well, I'm just not a fan.

[49:36] Okay.

[49:37] Well, Alf is great.

[49:40] I love this.

[49:40] The way he keeps yelling at Willie.

[49:43] As a kid, what are we, I'm just going to say right now,

[49:45] Alf is a weird couple of character traits.

[49:48] He is an elderly alien.

[49:50] He's over 200 years old.

[49:51] He eats cats.

[49:53] He has like a New York accent, right?

[49:54] Would you classify, I mean, Melmac accent.

[49:56] Yeah, I mean, it's Melmac, but it's...

[50:00] kind of like a, actually I don't know what kind of accent, it's just a kind of a basic accent.

[50:04] He's got a certain urban quality to him. Okay.

[50:08] But I just wonder like, they went to the network and they said,

[50:12] I've got a great idea for a sitcom. The main character eats cats. Stop right there.

[50:16] We're ordering a hundred episodes. Wait, did they make a hundred episodes?

[50:20] At least. That show was on for a long time. There's going to be

[50:24] this sassy alien who irritates a family.

[50:28] Well, I was reading a thing about how at the beginning Alf was much more

[50:32] of a bad influence than later on. Like he would smoke and drink and things like that.

[50:36] And they phased that out pretty soon. And eventually he delivers a baby

[50:40] in one episode. You're saying originally he was more of a Howard the Duck

[50:44] sort of character. Yeah, he was more of a, yeah, Howard the Duck

[50:48] kind of like John Belushi type character.

[50:52] And then eventually he just became one of those irregular cat eating aliens.

[50:56] Yeah. Who had a crush on the daughter.

[51:00] And he had that weird cartoon show set on Melmac.

[51:04] You remember that? I wouldn't say it was weird. It was pretty great.

[51:08] He was racing his Melmac speeder around.

[51:12] Pretending to be a rock star and stuff. Yeah, I think so. Rapping.

[51:16] Yeah, because he totally played guitar and stuff. And wore sunglasses.

[51:20] Well, that was the Alf house. Our Alf cast. I would imagine that sunglasses would be

[51:24] fine for an alien's face. An alien with tiny beady eyes

[51:28] and a long snoot. Whose ears are on the top of his head

[51:32] and not on the sides. Yeah, probably not. He must have gotten them custom made.

[51:36] So I hope that answers your questions about Ted and Gooby.

[51:40] So to answer your question about what we think about Ted, we like Alf.

[51:44] Remember Alf? He's back.

[51:48] In Pog form. So moving on.

[51:52] This is the last segment of the show.

[51:56] It's the segment in which we recommend a film that we actually enjoyed.

[52:00] Stewrat, do you have anything for us?

[52:04] This is usually a minefield for me. Yeah, with one of three mines

[52:08] that you keep stepping on.

[52:12] Well, this time I'm not going to recommend either Head of the Family,

[52:16] Invisible Maniac, or Castle Freak. Although you should watch those.

[52:20] You have no excuse.

[52:24] I'm going to recommend a movie that I don't think Dan's recommended yet. It's tough though.

[52:28] He sees a lot of movies. It's Goon

[52:32] with Sean William Scott. Oh, the hockey one?

[52:36] It was written by Evan Goldberg and Jay Beruchel.

[52:40] Of Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[52:44] Yeah, that's what he's best known for.

[52:48] We did it on the show. I also love How to Train Your Dragon and

[52:52] She's Out of Your League.

[52:56] The basic plot line is not

[53:00] unlike a lot of sports movies.

[53:04] Or most early Adam Sandler movies where you have kind of a

[53:08] bumbler who ends up getting involved with the world of hockey and it turns out he's great.

[53:12] But Sean William Scott brings something to the

[53:16] idiot man-child like a dignity that Adam Sandler never really seems

[53:20] to bring. Plus, it's really bloody and

[53:24] actually very funny and Liev Schreiber is great in it.

[53:28] So, watch Goon.

[53:32] I was in Italy for two weeks.

[53:36] I'm just explaining

[53:40] that I didn't see a lot of movies. So, you're recommending the home movies you shot

[53:44] with your iPhone while you were there?

[53:48] That all involve you just turning 360 degrees wherever you are?

[53:52] I'm just trying to capture a little beauty and send it back to you jackasses.

[53:56] The movies I've seen

[54:00] recently are movies that have already been recommended.

[54:04] I watched Chronicle on the plane over

[54:08] to Italy and I enjoyed it.

[54:12] This is an air elemental.

[54:16] No, a movie that you recommended.

[54:20] I enjoyed it. I watched Martha Marcy May Marlene.

[54:24] I didn't love it, but I enjoyed it.

[54:28] I watched it at home.

[54:32] I've been busy. I haven't had a chance to see a lot of movies.

[54:36] You've seen a lot of movies.

[54:40] It's all prelude to say that the next movie that I'm going to recommend

[54:44] isn't a strong recommendation.

[54:48] As opposed to when you recommend Sherlock Holmes if you're on a plane?

[54:52] Fuck both of you.

[54:56] I was jet lagged. I was up very early in the morning and on HBO

[55:00] I watched Final Destination 5, which I thoroughly

[55:04] enjoyed. I have to say it was a lot more clever than any

[55:08] movie in a stupid horror series had any right to be.

[55:12] Is that the one where they go in space or do they go to the hood?

[55:16] They go to the space hood.

[55:20] The bad part of space.

[55:24] On the other side of the space tracks.

[55:28] It's 90 minutes.

[55:32] It moves along pretty zippily.

[55:36] It has good actors in it for what they're doing.

[55:40] A lady gets her eye burned out by a laser.

[55:44] Then a car rolls over the eye that pops out.

[55:48] I had a fun time watching it.

[55:52] Can I describe movies as moving along zippily?

[55:56] What does it mean?

[56:00] I don't know what a zippily is.

[56:04] I was also on vacation recently. I was in Scotland and England.

[56:08] I also didn't get to see a lot of new movies.

[56:12] I saw a couple movies since I got back, but none that I feel so strongly about recommending.

[56:16] In honor of Scotland and England, I'm going to

[56:20] recommend a movie I saw a while back, but I don't think I've recommended it on this podcast before.

[56:24] A Powell and Pressburger film called I Know Where I'm Going.

[56:28] It's a romantic comedy with a little bit of

[56:32] fantasy undertones about an English woman

[56:36] ending up in an isolated village

[56:40] and finding love there despite her efforts.

[56:44] She wants to marry a rich man. She's not interested in falling in love,

[56:48] but there's a magic about the place. I think I'll recommend that.

[56:52] I Know Where I'm Going, a Michael Powell and Rick Pressburger film.

[56:56] All right, guys. That's three recommendations.

[57:00] One is a touching, lilting romance,

[57:04] and the other involves an eye popping out and then a car running over the eye.

[57:08] Choose which one you want to see. Probably the eye one.

[57:12] And a lot of blood. And leave Schreiber with a handlebar mustache.

[57:16] So, guys, we did it. We did another thing.

[57:20] We got together. We watched a movie.

[57:24] It's still strong to the end.

[57:28] Well, guys, we did it. As if we climbed a mountain.

[57:32] We do this all the time. We talked for an hour.

[57:36] I'm trying to keep you guys' spirits up. This is a marathon.

[57:40] My spirit's fucking fine. Yeah, we're doing great.

[57:44] This isn't a fucking sprint, guys. It is. It's over.

[57:48] Yeah, I mean, an hour long podcast is a sprint.

[57:52] Why bother to keep our spirits up when we're done?

[57:56] Is that possible?

[58:00] But in the meantime...

[58:04] I just want to say, Dan has gone through four personalities on this podcast.

[58:08] I don't know what's going on, Dan. I don't know who else is in your head that they should leave.

[58:12] We got Danny faces over here. He-Man fans know what I'm talking about.

[58:16] We have Dan, Daniel, Danielle, and Herbert.

[58:20] Which is Harvey and Herbert.

[58:24] Danielle is the sexiest personality.

[58:28] Dan places veil over face.

[58:32] Winks, eyelashes.

[58:36] Let's just say goodbye. How about that?

[58:40] I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Stuart Wellington.

[58:44] And for my crimes, I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[58:48] Good night, everyone.

[58:52] Oh yeah, another great one for the books.

The Flop House: Episode #106 - Immortals

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