The Flop House: Episode #106 - Immortals

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the spiritual sequel to Wet Peck's Immortals.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flop House.

[0:34] Hey, Stuart. How you doing, buddy?

[0:36] Hey, I'm pretty good, Holmes.

[0:38] Let's introduce ourselves, shall we?

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:43] I'm Elliot Charles Kalin.

[0:46] Really?

[0:47] Yeah, that's my real middle name.

[0:48] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[0:49] Aren't you worried that stalkers are going to follow you because they know your whole name?

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] When I told you my middle name was Septimus Forthright, that was a lie.

Stuart Wellington

[0:56] Wait, is that all one word?

Elliott Kalan

[0:57] No, it's two words.

[0:58] It's two words. Hyphen, no hyphen.

[1:00] George R.R. Martin gets two middle names. I get two middle names.

[1:02] You get as many middle names as you want, buddy.

[1:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] I just want to say...

[1:05] That middle is big.

[1:06] Limited only by your imagination.

Dan McCoy

[1:09] Stu's wearing, I don't know, maybe like a wrestling top.

[1:14] Just wearing a sleepless shirt.

[1:14] That's what we're doing now. We're fucking describing stuff in the room.

[1:18] Well, it says face 22 on the front.

[1:20] It says 32.

[1:22] 32, sorry.

[1:22] I was losing that.

[1:23] He was slouching.

[1:25] And it says, what does it say on the back?

Stuart Wellington

[1:27] It says chill.

[1:28] Chill, in quotes.

Dan McCoy

[1:31] So...

[1:32] So this is the shirt cast?

[1:33] Just imagine...

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] This is the Top House where we talk about each other's tops?

[1:37] Imagine a guy with a...

[1:38] Billy's got a stripy top.

[1:39] I've got a striped polo shirt and Dan is wearing a short-sleeved gray t-shirt.

[1:44] Yeah.

[1:45] No pocket.

[1:46] So...

[1:46] Has nothing to carry around.

[1:47] No, no.

[1:48] He is...

[1:48] See you in two weeks on the Top House.

[1:51] Now back to the Flophouse, the podcast you thought you were listening to.

[1:56] What do we do here, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:58] We watch a movie.

[1:59] Usually a bad movie.

[2:01] Presumably a bad movie.

[2:02] And we discuss it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] The assumption is the movie we're watching shall be bad.

[2:06] Yeah.

[2:06] But it isn't always.

[2:08] Yeah.

[2:09] Sometimes we're surprised.

[2:10] Hope springs eternal, Elliot.

[2:12] Yep.

[2:12] Hope springs internal.

Dan McCoy

[2:14] Yep.

[2:15] That was a joke about an IUD from The Simpsons.

[2:18] Not an IUD.

[2:19] That would be a different thing.

[2:20] Yeah.

[2:21] Dan, are you okay?

[2:22] You're getting sloppy tonight.

[2:23] A little bit.

[2:25] We watched a movie tonight called Immortals.

[2:28] Immortals.

[2:29] Immortals, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] Immortals is not a word.

[2:32] Immortal would be a mortal person.

Stuart Wellington

[2:34] This is an interesting one because this is a movie directed by Tarsom who directed...

[2:41] Tarsom Singh.

[2:42] Yeah.

[2:42] Elliot's favorite movie from...

[2:44] Not like...

[2:45] Not ever, but like from a year or two ago.

[2:46] One of my favorite movies from...

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] Well, it came out about...

[2:48] It came out around 2005, 2006.

[2:51] He directed The Fall.

[2:52] The Fall, which is a movie I do love very much.

[2:54] And it's a flawed movie.

[2:55] I can see why other people wouldn't like it.

[2:57] But it strikes a particular chord with me.

[2:59] So I was intrigued when Dan said he wanted to watch Immortals because this is...

[3:03] The Fall was only Tarsom's second movie.

[3:06] His first was The Cell, which is not very good.

[3:08] And Immortals...

[3:08] That's got J-Lo and Vincent D'Onofrio.

[3:10] Yeah.

[3:11] And Immortals is his third movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:13] She's bootylicious.

[3:14] I'm led to believe.

Elliott Kalan

[3:15] That's not a J-Lo song.

[3:16] I'm glad that you said led to believe.

Stuart Wellington

[3:18] Like somebody's been telling you, but you haven't checked it out yet.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] You haven't done the due diligence to find out how bootylicious she may or may not be.

Stuart Wellington

[3:26] Flop House listeners will recall it's probably not true because Dan used the internet to check that type of stuff out.

[3:32] I am a pervizoid.

Dan McCoy

[3:33] And not just a pervizoid, but number one.

[3:35] I am told that that is an adjective that might be used to describe her.

[3:38] Told by the young people?

[3:39] Yeah, sure.

[3:40] The youth.

[3:41] From like 10 years ago?

Stuart Wellington

[3:43] The Butt Squad.

[3:45] Wait, is that like an official organization?

[3:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Is the Butt Squad a club for young people?

[3:51] Or is it some kind of quasi-governmental butt inspection team?

Stuart Wellington

[3:55] You go to www.debuttsquad.org.

Elliott Kalan

[3:59] Okay, so it's a non-profit.

[4:00] Yeah, of course.

Dan McCoy

[4:02] That'll be a good test for the Flop House audience.

[4:05] They can go to that and they can discover what that is.

[4:07] What is it, Dan?

[4:08] Do you know?

[4:08] I have no idea.

[4:10] They will learn in real time, whereas we probably have learned by that time.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] Well, we were talking about a movie, I think.

[4:17] Okay.

[4:17] Before we got on to your fictional Butt Squad, which tests the bootyliciousness of various female celebrities.

Dan McCoy

[4:27] It's a movie based on Greek mythology.

Elliott Kalan

[4:30] Very loosely based.

[4:32] Very loosely based.

[4:33] So this is, Tarsem Singh is a director who is known for his visual sense.

[4:39] And I'm a huge fan of his movie The Fall, but his other movie is not so good.

[4:42] So we decided, let's give Immortals a try.

Stuart Wellington

[4:45] Yeah, but it did okay.

[4:47] It wasn't too big of a flop in the old box office.

Elliott Kalan

[4:49] Yeah, financially it did okay.

[4:51] Yeah, it did all right.

[4:52] Made its money back.

Dan McCoy

[4:53] I think, yeah.

[4:56] Wikipedia seemed to suggest that it doubled its budget.

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] But that doesn't necessarily include marketing and so forth.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] Critically, home run, base hit.

Elliott Kalan

[5:07] Kind of, well.

[5:08] A bunch, maybe?

[5:09] It got okay.

Stuart Wellington

[5:11] Yeah, the sports analogies are kind of fucking me up right now.

[5:15] Despite the fact that you look like you're ready for a pickup basketball game.

Elliott Kalan

[5:19] That's what I was doing before I came over.

[5:21] Just doing the hoops.

[5:22] Oh, that's why you got a round ball under your arm.

[5:24] Scoring three pointers.

[5:25] Now you're spitting the ball on your finger.

[5:26] Now you're somehow, you took a bite out of it.

[5:28] That's weird.

[5:30] It's full of chocolate.

[5:31] Yeah.

[5:33] Well, and a bird hatched out of it.

[5:35] Should I be doing sound effects?

[5:36] No, it's radio magic.

[5:38] Use the imagination.

[5:38] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] So, Immortals.

[5:41] So, this is the story about, I guess, why we watched it?

[5:44] That was the backstory.

[5:46] So, Immortals.

[5:46] Here's what it's about.

[5:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] Give us a...

[5:48] Wait.

[5:48] This is the plot description, right?

[5:50] This is the synopsis.

[5:51] Okay.

[5:51] The ancient Greek hero synopses who would tell people how stories went to save them time.

Stuart Wellington

[5:57] Doesn't have a beard.

[5:58] You assume he's an old man with a beard, but he's actually young and totally cut.

Elliott Kalan

[6:01] Yeah.

[6:02] Like everyone in Immortals except for John Hurt, he is young and totally cut.

[6:06] I mean, John Hurt could be pretty cut.

[6:08] We don't...

[6:08] He wears a big robe.

[6:09] He does wear a big robe that looks like it's made out of feathers and leaves.

[6:12] The kind of thing that, like, if Bea Arthur was an Earth Mother coven witch.

Dan McCoy

[6:16] I gotta say, John Hurt has basically looked the same for the last 30 years.

[6:22] Like...

[6:22] Yeah, old.

[6:23] He's got...

[6:23] Yeah.

[6:23] Well, yeah.

[6:24] I guess that's the secret.

[6:25] If you start out looking kind of old, then you're gonna...

[6:29] Like, people are gonna be like, hey, John Hurt's looking pretty good later on if he looks

[6:32] the same.

[6:32] Yeah.

[6:33] But, like, he hasn't put on any weight anywhere in one line.

[6:36] No, he's still...

Dan McCoy

[6:36] He's probably cut.

[6:36] He's a reedy, thin guy who has always seemed kind of...

[6:40] A really, really thin guy.

[6:41] Yeah, you said that weird.

[6:42] He's reedy.

[6:43] Really.

Dan McCoy

[6:43] Wait, what?

[6:44] Really.

[6:44] Like a reed.

[6:46] Like a reed, like, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[6:49] He's reeding?

[6:50] Okay.

[6:50] Okay, here's the synopsis of Immortals.

[6:52] Okay.

[6:52] So, we're in ancient Greece.

[6:54] Mm-hmm.

[6:54] We learned...

[6:55] We are.

Dan McCoy

[6:56] Oh!

[6:57] Wap House Thrive Machine.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Oh, my God.

[7:00] My wife!

[7:00] So, did we not take our Ritalin before recording the show tonight?

Stuart Wellington

[7:04] We've not been able to stay on one thing for more than 45 seconds.

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] Okay.

[7:10] Immortals.

[7:10] Synopsis.

[7:11] We're in ancient Greece in the movie.

[7:12] Okay.

[7:13] Let's clarify.

[7:14] We learned at the beginning that there was a war in the heavens between the gods and the

[7:19] titans.

[7:19] The gods won.

[7:20] And they locked up the titans in a...

Stuart Wellington

[7:22] Is that...

[7:23] Doesn't John Hurt do, like, a voiceover or a monologue telling us that?

[7:27] Yeah, something like that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:28] It's kind of a mix of monologue and more silent storytelling.

[7:33] Okay.

[7:34] But it's mostly John Hurt monologue.

[7:36] It's one of those movies where there's a part of those in the olden days, you know, or in

[7:40] the beginning...

[7:41] Well, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:41] And we hear an old British guy talking.

[7:43] We're like, oh, man, this is going to be old and awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[7:45] I don't know.

[7:46] Any time...

Stuart Wellington

[7:47] We're in good hands now.

Elliott Kalan

[7:49] Any time a movie starts with a narrator telling you about in the olden days...

Stuart Wellington

[7:52] Just sit back and open up my big bag of Orville Redenbacher's.

[7:55] Legend tales of a war between...

[7:57] Yeah, you're going on a monster.

[7:59] Swaddled.

Elliott Kalan

[7:59] The gods locked up the titans in a box.

[8:01] The only thing that can let them out is a bolt from an arrow from this magic bow that's

[8:07] hidden somewhere on Earth.

[8:09] It's somewhere in ancient Greece, which is a mistake.

[8:11] They have the whole Earth to put it.

[8:12] The gods should just put it somewhere on the other side of the world.

[8:15] Maybe the bottom...

[8:15] Like in America.

Dan McCoy

[8:16] Or maybe like the bottom of the ocean.

[8:17] I don't know that it exists.

[8:18] Or you know what?

[8:18] Hey, gods, think outside the box.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] Put it on the moon.

[8:21] It's going to be thousands of years before anyone gets there.

[8:23] Can gods go to the moon?

[8:24] Why?

[8:25] They're gods.

[8:25] Why not?

[8:26] They can fly.

Stuart Wellington

[8:27] Okay.

[8:28] They don't have to breathe, I assume.

[8:29] And they can fight in slow motion.

[8:31] So that means they can probably go really fast to the moon.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] Exactly.

[8:35] Okay.

[8:35] So the titans are locked up.

[8:37] Only this bow can unlock them.

[8:39] Mickey Rourke plays King Hyperion, a...

[8:42] He's the handsome lead, right?

[8:44] No.

[8:45] He is the meatloaf-faced, mush-mouthed barbarian king who is slowly conquering his way across the

[8:51] ancient world, raping and pillaging and murdering.

[8:54] Eating constantly.

[8:55] Constantly eating.

Dan McCoy

[8:56] I feel like...

[8:57] So Mumbles is upset about something.

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] Yeah.

[8:59] Mumbles McIncomprehensible is he wants to take over the world.

[9:05] He hates the gods and he wants to destroy them and be remembered forever.

[9:08] His big goal is he wants to be remembered.

[9:09] He has an army of dicks with masks on their face.

[9:12] Yeah.

[9:12] His army is...

[9:13] All his soldiers have masks on their face.

[9:15] And here's the great thing is that most movies, when someone's wearing a mask, you just hear

[9:19] their voice normally.

[9:20] In Immortals, everyone's voice is muffled as it would be if you were wearing a big leather

[9:24] mask, which makes it even harder to hear what people are saying.

Stuart Wellington

[9:27] And Mickey Rourke luckily wears a mask sometimes.

[9:30] So his already hard-to-understand voice becomes impossible.

Dan McCoy

[9:34] Yeah.

[9:34] And you're torn between respecting the film for its verisimilitude and being irritated at it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] Since much of the dialogue is like an old man without his teeth in on the other side of

[9:45] a wall.

[9:45] And you're trying to figure out where he hid his gold.

Dan McCoy

[9:48] And all you can hear is...

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] As he's talking to whatever ghosts he thinks have come to visit him.

[9:56] So anyway, King Hyperion is pillaging his way through life.

[9:59] Then we meet in a tiny village on a cliff.

Stuart Wellington

[10:03] On the sheerest cliff in the world.

[10:05] Yeah.

[10:05] Which is about a million feet high.

[10:06] They probably picked that spot because it's really defensible against barbarian armies.

[10:11] You would think.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] Apparently it falls very easily.

[10:13] But you find our hero, Theseus, who is a strapping young lad.

[10:18] Who is played by...

[10:19] What's the actor's name?

[10:21] Cavill?

[10:21] Henry Cavill or something like that.

[10:23] Who is basically a chest and a face.

[10:26] Yeah.

[10:27] Not much of a charismatic actor.

[10:28] He's the body.

[10:29] But he is a master fighter.

[10:31] He's been trained by old man John Hurt.

[10:33] Who we soon learn is Zeus.

[10:36] But Theseus doesn't know that.

[10:37] He has no idea.

[10:38] He never figures out.

[10:39] He's Zeus in disguise.

[10:41] He finds out that the bad guys are coming.

[10:45] Everyone of the upper classes is allowed to leave the village now.

[10:48] But the peasants have to wait a day.

[10:50] And this causes Theseus to get into a fight with some soldiers.

Stuart Wellington

[10:53] Is that a common thread in Greek mythology?

[10:56] Like class warfare and class divisions?

Elliott Kalan

[10:58] Not exactly.

[10:59] But kind of.

[11:00] You find a lot...

[11:00] I mean, they did have an aristocracy, a slave class.

[11:04] And then, you know, a poor class and a merchant class.

[11:06] But in the Greek myths, you don't see too much of that.

[11:09] And in the Greek system, like, a slave could eventually work himself up to becoming a citizen.

[11:13] Yeah.

[11:13] If he finds enough golden fleeces.

[11:16] Yeah.

[11:16] That's the main way.

[11:18] So most didn't.

Dan McCoy

[11:19] Because golden fleeces are very hard to find.

[11:21] But he gets into a fight with Lysander.

[11:26] I remember the names mainly because of Midsummer Night's Dream.

[11:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:31] So he gets into a fight with a big salamander.

[11:33] And it's not as cool as it sounds.

[11:36] The next day, the peasants are getting ready to leave.

[11:38] Uh-oh!

[11:39] Bad guy army shows up.

[11:41] Kills everybody.

[11:42] Kills...

[11:42] Only they left a day earlier.

[11:44] I know.

[11:44] Kills Theseus' mom.

[11:46] And Theseus is made a slave in the salt mines for the bad guys.

[11:50] For like a second.

[11:51] Apparently...

[11:51] But apparently, like, a big army like that needs a lot of salt.

[11:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:54] Because they need to bring out the flavor of their food.

[11:57] Well, if a dude kills, like, four or five of your soldiers and is super badass and tough,

[12:02] probably want that guy alive mining salt for you.

[12:05] You want him alive.

[12:06] You want him mad at you.

[12:06] His salt production is going to be really high.

[12:08] You know, it's like, if his fighting skills were that good, imagine how good his salt mining

[12:12] skills are.

[12:13] And then what you do is you then murder his mom in front of him to really get him good

[12:18] at mining salt.

[12:19] Like...

Dan McCoy

[12:19] Well, you motivate him.

[12:20] Because he's going to cry onto that salt and that salt's going to be extra salty after

[12:23] that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:24] Yep.

[12:24] You just dry it in the sun and you get double salt.

[12:27] Double salt.

[12:28] That tastes so good.

[12:29] That's how you make bacon, basically.

[12:32] So he's...

[12:33] But before he even gets to the salt mine, he is part of a group of slaves trudging through

[12:37] the desert carrying wood for some reason.

[12:40] They meet up at a place where...

[12:42] Salt.

[12:42] The bad guys have captured the four oracles, one of whom is Rita Pinto.

[12:48] And these are four women...

Dan McCoy

[12:49] You may know her from Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

[12:51] Or Slumdog Millionaire.

[12:52] She's the attractive lady in the...

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] Or from her namesake, Bean.

[12:54] Yep.

[12:55] Or her namesake, Car the Pinto.

[12:58] She's got a finger in a lot of pies.

[13:00] Hey, no...

[13:01] Whoa.

[13:01] Hey, what are you trying to say about her?

Stuart Wellington

[13:04] It's pretty gross.

[13:05] Yeah.

[13:06] So, yeah.

[13:07] So these four women dress up like...

[13:09] I don't know, like...

[13:10] They wear ramps.

[13:11] Like some lamps.

[13:12] Some lamps and like a...

[13:13] They wear robes.

[13:14] Madams.

[13:15] Weird lamps on their...

Elliott Kalan

[13:15] Like a brothel.

[13:16] They look like...

[13:17] They have every...

[13:18] Weird headgear is a Tarsem Singh thing.

[13:20] He loves it.

[13:20] He's all about it.

[13:21] So you got a priest who has a hat with candles on it.

[13:25] You got these lady oracles who wear like lampshades on their head.

[13:28] Mickey Rourke has a helmet that has teeth on the front and then bunny ears that are also

[13:32] crab claws on the top.

Dan McCoy

[13:33] Yeah, it's like a crab crossed with like a Venus flytrap sort of...

[13:38] On his head.

Elliott Kalan

[13:39] Yeah.

[13:39] Everyone's got crazy masks and helmets.

[13:42] One of these oracles is a real oracle.

[13:44] The other three are decoys.

[13:45] Just like Queen Amidala.

[13:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:47] Thanks for bringing it back down for me.

Elliott Kalan

[13:50] Bringing it to something you'd understand, yeah.

[13:52] And hey, guess what?

[13:53] The one who's the real oracle is the one who's played by an actress you've seen in other movies.

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] And just like in The Phantom Menace, the treachery works and the real oracle escapes.

[14:03] Is able to escape.

Elliott Kalan

[14:04] And so Theseus and Frida Pinto and a thief named played by Stephen Dorff.

[14:10] Named question mark?

[14:11] Named.

[14:12] His name was good.

[14:14] Let's call him Thiefus.

[14:15] Thiefius?

[14:16] Let's call him Stilos.

[14:19] They run off and escape and they decide, I guess, to become a...

[14:23] And they run off and escape also with a monk who cut out his own tongue rather than reveal

[14:28] to Mickey Rourke the location of the oracles.

[14:31] And the four of them go on the run.

[14:33] So it's a speaking role or...

[14:34] It's barely even a walking role.

[14:36] It doesn't get a lot of screen time.

[14:38] The four of them go on the run to try to get their revenge against King Rourke's Hyperion.

[14:43] And they just kind of run around and have like two adventures that are really minor, kind

[14:48] of boring.

[14:49] Meanwhile, Hyperion wanders around looking for this bow.

[14:53] And eventually they all meet up at this huge wall that's guarding the city of something

[14:58] or other where everybody seems to live.

[15:00] Tartarus.

[15:01] Mount Tartarus.

[15:01] Oh, it's Mount Tartarus.

Stuart Wellington

[15:02] That's right.

[15:04] You made the comment about how it's where the sauce is made.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] It's where the fish sauce is made.

Stuart Wellington

[15:08] And I checked Wikipedia and it turns out you're wrong.

[15:10] Oh, really?

Elliott Kalan

[15:11] Where do they make tartar sauce?

Stuart Wellington

[15:13] They make it in C-Towns along the New England shoreline.

Elliott Kalan

[15:19] In C-Town grocery stores?

[15:20] Yeah.

[15:20] In C-Town.

[15:21] Steve C-Town.

[15:23] Steve C-Town.

[15:24] That's a very local reference.

[15:25] It's a Park Slope reference.

Stuart Wellington

[15:28] That's a deep cut.

[15:29] So all of our Park Slope fans, of which there are one.

[15:32] Everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] Here's an interesting tidbit.

Dan McCoy

[15:34] All you sin steward a dollar.

Elliott Kalan

[15:36] If any of you are Three Stooges fans, take a pilgrimage to 9th Street between 5th and 6th Avenue in Park Slope in Brooklyn.

[15:45] And poke yourself in the eyes.

[15:46] There's a grocery store called Steve C-Town.

[15:48] And where that grocery store is, used to be a vaudeville movie theater.

[15:52] And it's one of the places the Three Stooges performed very early on in their career.

[15:57] So, little Brooklyn fans.

[15:57] So while you're buying groceries, you can think about all the laughs.

[16:01] Think about all the laughs you missed out on 100 years ago.

[16:04] Yep.

[16:05] So I hope you have the time of your life.

Dan McCoy

[16:09] Right, guys?

[16:09] Kodak Film.

[16:10] Right, guys.

[16:11] Dan McCoy for Kodak Film.

Elliott Kalan

[16:13] So they all meet up at this big wall.

[16:16] The heads of the elderly council are like,

[16:19] We will simply reason with King Hyperion, the man who rapes and pillages his way across Greece.

[16:26] Surely that will be all right.

[16:28] Eventually, King Hyperion proves them wrong by walking up to a man and cutting his head off instantly.

[16:33] It's the worst computer animation in the movie.

[16:35] It's like something out of a Tim and Eric sketch.

Stuart Wellington

[16:37] Yeah, like he swings a sword and then the guy's head just floats away.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] And there's like, yeah, it's just like a fountain.

[16:46] A fountain of fake blood.

[16:47] But CGI'd him.

[16:49] But anyway, so there's a big battle.

[16:52] The king has, by this point, has found the bow.

[16:54] I forgot to mention.

[16:55] Theseus finds the bow encased in rock inside the tomb of his village where he buries his mother.

[17:01] In a big fight with a guy with a minotaur mask.

[17:04] Yeah, right after he finds the bow.

[17:06] That was pretty good.

[17:06] A guy with a big bull helmet fights him.

Stuart Wellington

[17:08] That was a pretty fun scene.

[17:09] Then he hits him with a meat cleaver and then a club a couple times.

Elliott Kalan

[17:12] Well, he hits him with a club several times.

[17:15] More times than you would expect.

[17:16] After the minotaur is down on the ground on his back.

Stuart Wellington

[17:18] I mean, how many times is enough times?

[17:21] It's a fucking minotaur.

[17:22] No, but that's what I loved about the movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:24] It was accurate to how that fight would go down.

[17:27] We're just like, okay, this minotaur is down.

[17:29] But I am not trusting it.

[17:31] So I'm going to beat him with this club like 12 more times.

Stuart Wellington

[17:34] So you're going to say it's kind of at odds with all the other fight scenes in the movie, which are like slow motion, like dance fighting basically.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] Yeah, there's a lot of – as Stuart, you mentioned that everyone's attacks are jump attacks.

Stuart Wellington

[17:46] Well, jump attacks are the hardest to defend.

[17:48] Jump attacks like Mario in Super Mario Bros.

Elliott Kalan

[17:51] Yeah, jumping on their heads and making them small.

[17:54] You jump on a soldier and you turn him into a shell and then you kick the shell and he knocks all the other soldiers over.

[17:59] You're saying, Stuart.

[18:00] Based on real tactics.

Stuart Wellington

[18:01] Jump attacks, Stuart.

[18:03] Yeah, yeah, they're the hardest to defend because if you want to block high or low, you don't know.

[18:06] It depends on where the attack's coming.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] Yeah.

[18:09] But anyway, so he's found the bow.

[18:11] He uses the bow to break open the wall of this village or Tartarus.

[18:18] Yeah, he charges up the bow shot.

[18:19] He charges it up by holding it for a long time.

[18:21] Yep.

[18:21] Let's it go.

[18:22] He blows open a door and there's a long hallway and all the soldiers of Tartarus are like, holy shit, ah, and start fighting among themselves.

[18:29] Theseus gets up above a doorway and shouts a speech at them that you cannot hear half of because the sound is not – the music is too loud.

[18:37] And because I think some – like I was looking up his little skirt the whole time.

[18:41] Yeah, there's a lot of upskirting going on.

[18:42] But also like it is – what you can hear of it is the blandest speech in the world.

[18:46] But it instantly turns the soldiers into a motivated fighting force.

Stuart Wellington

[18:49] Yeah, as soon as they understand somebody's talking to them, they start banging their shields together and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[18:54] Yeah, there's a big fight in a corridor between the good guy soldiers and the bad guy soldiers.

[18:58] King Hyperion, during it, sneaks away and gets to where the Titanbox is.

Stuart Wellington

[19:03] Yeah, there's like a secret flight of stairs right by the entrance, which seems like a weird choice.

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] The least guarded place also has the staircase that leads to the roof, which leads to the Titanbox.

Stuart Wellington

[19:13] Let's hide all of our generals right by the stairway, right by the entrance.

[19:16] In case the bad guys get in, they can kill them right away.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Let's put all our valuables in the outhouse that doesn't have a lock on it on a shelf.

[19:25] We'll hide them in plain sight.

[19:27] Now, something we glossed over earlier in the movie, Zeus told the other gods, don't interfere with humans because – and this is what they say – they won't have faith in us unless we have faith in them.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] This is super accurate to Greek mythology because if there's one thing you know about the Greek gods is, number one, they really care about humans a lot.

[19:46] And number two, they never interfere with humans.

[19:48] They're like the watcher.

Elliott Kalan

[19:49] They just watch and they've sworn not to interfere.

Dan McCoy

[19:52] They're totally deists.

Stuart Wellington

[19:55] That's why most Greek myths, it's just like dudes hanging out being dudes.

[19:59] There's no god dudes showing up and fucking their stuff up.

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] I mean, that is kind of all of Plato's dialogues are just dudes hanging out being dudes.

Dan McCoy

[20:04] If there's one thing the Greek gods don't do, it's come down and indiscriminately rape humans.

[20:11] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] They may come to you in the form of a swan or a bull or a cloud and have sex with you.

[20:16] I don't know if I call it rape.

Dan McCoy

[20:17] Yeah, I mean –

[20:18] Yeah, it's true.

[20:18] I understand that.

[20:20] If a cloud or a swan wants to have sex with me, that's going to be consensual sex.

[20:25] I mean, come on.

[20:26] Come on, guys.

[20:27] I mean, that sounds right to me.

[20:28] Like, that's the fluffiness.

Stuart Wellington

[20:30] Imagine the fluffiness of having sex with a swan or a cloud.

[20:34] So any of our listeners out there that are swan-based furries, Dan's into it.

[20:39] Dan, just give it –

[20:40] Dan's up for it.

[20:40] Come on, just go for it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] Yeah.

[20:42] Just stop him on the street.

[20:44] Just write me in Purposoid No. 1.

[20:46] Purposoid No. 1, care of Dan McCoy, a.k.a. Purposoid No. 1.

[20:50] Care of Boner University.

[20:51] Brooklyn, New York.

Dan McCoy

[20:54] That's where I got my B.A.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] Boner University.

[20:57] Yep.

[20:58] A boner of arts.

[20:59] I got my B.U.

[20:59] In boners.

[21:01] You're Ph.B.

[21:04] You're a doctorate of boning.

[21:06] Anyway, back to the – here's the thing.

[21:08] It's a bad philosophy that Zeus has because let's – would you believe in a God more who

[21:13] answers your prayers or doesn't?

[21:16] And I think the answer is for many people, they do believe in a God who doesn't answer

[21:19] their prayers.

[21:20] But your average human being believes something that he has some proof of.

[21:23] So like if you said to God, please, God, like give me the – give me something.

[21:28] And that thing descended from heaven to you, you'd be like, this is – okay, obviously

[21:31] this is real stuff.

[21:32] I have faith in that.

Dan McCoy

[21:33] Yeah, but then you start taking that for granted, Elliot.

[21:36] You're asking him for everything.

[21:38] You know, it's like –

[21:38] Well, yeah, but he's a good guy.

[21:39] He's like a welfare God at that point.

Stuart Wellington

[21:41] It's a culture of God dependency, right?

[21:43] The thing is the gods are awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] Like they have these awesome headdresses and cool weapons.

[21:47] They're all young, hot like American apparel models with – or like –

[21:52] With like wireframe helmets.

[21:53] Wireframe helmets that represent what they have.

[21:55] So like Poseidon's helmet looks like a fish.

[21:58] Apollo's helmet is like sun rays, I guess.

[22:00] A bunch of awesome spikes.

[22:01] Like super tall spikes.

[22:02] Yeah.

[22:03] And earlier on – so Zeus has been interfering in the form of a old man.

[22:08] That's okay.

[22:09] And Poseidon comes in at one point as a giant wave and saves Theseus that way.

[22:14] That's okay.

[22:14] They're not allowed to interact as gods.

[22:17] But they're confronted by a bunch of bad guys and Apollo shows up and with his hammer

[22:22] is just exploding people's heads left and right in slow motion.

[22:25] Yeah, that was actually pretty great.

Stuart Wellington

[22:26] It's like – it's a pretty great scene.

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] He like taps their heads and their heads explode in blood.

[22:30] Oh, yeah.

[22:30] And the blood is just slow-moding around.

[22:33] But because he did that, Zeus got mad and killed him with a flaming whip of some kind.

[22:38] Yeah, it was weird.

[22:39] I guess there was a flaming whip there.

Dan McCoy

[22:40] That seems like an extreme reaction to what happened.

[22:43] I mean –

Elliott Kalan

[22:44] You said anyone interferes.

[22:45] Yeah, but –

Dan McCoy

[22:46] Hey, look, that Zeus – if you're going to live under Zeus' roof, you've got to play

Stuart Wellington

[22:48] by Zeus' rules.

[22:49] I guess.

Dan McCoy

[22:49] We give him a timeout before you explode his head a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[22:51] Dude, give him a timeout forever.

[22:52] That's the thing, man.

[22:53] Give him an inch.

[22:54] They'll take a mile.

[22:54] You know what I mean?

[22:55] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[22:56] That's what gods are.

[22:57] Parents.

[22:57] Being a parent.

[22:58] It's tough.

[22:58] It's about boundaries.

[22:59] Yeah.

[23:00] Gods are just always trying to test the boundaries to find out where they are.

[23:02] So there's like a weird shot of Apollo's funeral, I guess.

[23:06] But –

[23:06] Well, they just kind of turn him into a table.

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] The sun keeps coming up, so I don't really know what's going on.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] Yeah.

[23:10] The gods are not really explicitly linked to the things we think of them as being linked

[23:15] to in the movie, except for Poseidon jumping into the water.

Dan McCoy

[23:18] But like Apollo should be –

[23:19] Except for Poseidon being linked to that boat that turned all the way upside down and the

[23:23] people had to get out of that.

[23:24] Well, I mean, they didn't –

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] Yeah, they jumped out real quick.

[23:27] Remember that adventure that they had?

[23:28] Yeah.

[23:28] I mean –

[23:29] They had a pretty good adventure.

[23:30] Yeah, yeah.

[23:31] That Poseidon adventure.

[23:32] Yeah.

[23:33] What?

[23:33] What are you talking about?

[23:34] I'm not familiar with that.

[23:35] So anyway, the gods have just said, we're not going to interfere.

[23:37] Unless the Titans are released.

[23:39] Well, guess what?

[23:41] The Titans get released.

[23:42] And the Titans just turn out to be kind of like rage zombies from 28 Days Later, but

[23:47] with swords.

[23:47] They're just super fast monsters.

Stuart Wellington

[23:49] Gray things.

[23:50] Gray super fast monsters.

[23:52] They're kind of like the vampires from Dusseldorn.

[23:55] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:56] And so the gods fight them for a while.

[23:58] Sort of squishy.

[23:59] Yeah, but I mean, not as sexy.

[24:01] More with like wacky faces.

[24:02] The gods fight them for a while.

[24:04] Theseus is fighting Mickey Rourke.

[24:05] And the soldiers are fighting each other.

[24:08] And eventually, Zeus, the gods are, for every Titan they kill, a thousand more come up and

[24:14] start killing them.

[24:15] And so Zeus just decides to take two big chains and pull down the whole chamber on top of everybody.

[24:20] Because gods are apparently vulnerable to the same thing that coal miners is, which is

[24:24] cave-ins.

[24:25] These gods are super powerful.

[24:26] Kind of.

[24:26] But they cannot get out of a caved in, you know, cave.

Stuart Wellington

[24:29] I mean, the gods seem to get out of it fine.

[24:30] They just teleport away.

Elliott Kalan

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:32] They use a teleporting power we never saw them use before.

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] And they also use it to teleport Theseus, who is currently triumphant over Hyperion after they have that like mumbly argument.

[24:41] They have a very mumbly fight.

Elliott Kalan

[24:44] They have a long battle and they mumble at each other a lot.

[24:47] Well, and it plays on.

Stuart Wellington

[24:48] There was that scene early on where Mickey Rourke reveals that King Hyperion has a weakness to being stabbed in the foot.

[24:55] So later on, Theseus plays on that by stabbing him in the foot.

[25:00] No, anyone is vulnerable to be stabbed in the foot.

Dan McCoy

[25:02] That's just a people thing.

[25:06] I'm not sure, Elliot.

[25:06] I'm not sure about that.

[25:07] I mean, later on, let's have a fight.

[25:09] You can stab me in the foot and we can see.

Elliott Kalan

[25:11] Okay.

[25:11] So that's Dan wants me to stab him in the foot and then someone in a swan costume can rape him.

[25:17] Dan is...

Dan McCoy

[25:17] I mean, I think we agreed it wasn't rape.

[25:20] Yeah, you put together a pretty long to-do list here, Dan.

[25:22] If there's one thing I want to put out there, it's that that's not a very specific erotic fantasy that I have.

[25:29] It's 100% just a thing that's going to happen.

[25:32] I'm not going to get off on it.

[25:34] It's fine.

[25:35] Right, guys?

[25:36] I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[25:37] Am I right?

[25:38] I feel so uncomfortable now about the way this episode has gone.

[25:42] So, Immortals, everybody wins in the end except the bad guys.

[25:46] Let's go.

[25:47] And at the end, Frida Pinto has a son.

[25:50] Theseus is dead.

[25:51] No, he teleports away.

[25:52] He teleports to heaven because he's dead.

[25:54] He has...

[25:55] Oh, that's what happened.

[25:56] He has...

[25:56] His soul is divine because he's a hero.

[25:59] So he gets to go up to Olympus and...

[26:01] And probably be a constellation or something.

[26:04] Yeah, I assume so.

[26:05] That's kind of their...

[26:06] That's their...

[26:06] It's like when a cop becomes a security guard or something.

[26:09] A hero becomes a constellation.

[26:12] It's just like an after-retirement job.

[26:13] Oh, okay.

[26:14] Yeah, we're like...

[26:14] We're going to get a gold watch and then we're going to become a constellation.

[26:17] Exactly.

[26:17] Just part-time.

[26:18] Yeah.

[26:18] Just to augment his pension.

Stuart Wellington

[26:20] Keep your toe in the working world.

[26:23] Exactly.

[26:23] I'm going to literally moonlight.

[26:25] Eh?

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] Oh.

[26:26] No, it's good.

[26:27] That's great.

[26:28] All right.

[26:29] Let's expect a little more.

[26:31] But Frida Pinto has a son because earlier she had sex with Theseus.

[26:34] Yeah, she did.

[26:35] And...

[26:36] Probably a body double though, right?

Dan McCoy

[26:38] Yeah, we all agree.

[26:39] There was a little nudity in this film.

[26:41] We agreed.

[26:42] It was probably a body double.

[26:42] It was a Frida Pinto and a body double.

[26:44] Yeah.

[26:44] So, if you're listening...

[26:46] Not to downplay the work...

[26:47] The fine work that that body double did.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] And the body double did very good work standing there with no clothes on.

Dan McCoy

[26:52] Excellent stuff.

[26:52] But...

[26:52] That exactly was expected of her.

[26:54] So, good work.

Elliott Kalan

[26:55] She took her clothes off and was there.

[26:57] Yeah.

[26:57] She laid down.

[26:59] But this...

[27:00] John Hurt appears to this little boy and says something.

[27:04] And the little boy has a vision.

[27:06] And that vision is of a huge battle in heaven between people, I guess.

[27:11] And Titans.

[27:12] And that's the end of the movie.

[27:13] Which I guess...

[27:14] So, the sequel is maybe setting us up for a larger battle.

[27:17] The Titans get out and fight in the sky or something.

[27:20] But that's the movie.

[27:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:21] It basically looked like a lot of people fighting on the ground, but in different...

[27:27] They're just like in the air from different angles.

[27:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:31] It reminded me...

[27:32] There's a painting from the 1890s called Divine Tragedy where a bunch of gods are just

[27:38] having the shit kicked out of them.

[27:39] And it reminded me a lot of that.

Dan McCoy

[27:41] That sounds like an awesome heavy metal song.

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] It's an amazing...

[27:44] It is the most heavy metal 19th century painting I've ever seen.

[27:47] And it's enormous.

[27:48] So...

[27:49] It's enormous.

[27:50] And it's in the Museum d'Orsay in Paris.

[27:53] So, that's your recommendation for this week.

[27:55] Yes.

[27:55] Go to Paris.

[27:57] All right.

[27:57] Go to the Orsay and look at the Divine Tragedy painting because it is crazy.

[28:03] And bring your guitars.

[28:05] You're going to want to riff.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] So, one thing that I think is worth mentioning about this movie, we talked about it while we're

[28:12] watching it.

[28:13] So, the guy who plays Theseus was also in Red Riding...

[28:16] Was in...

[28:17] Red Riding Hood.

[28:18] Sure.

[28:19] And that was a movie that involved a giant iron elephant where people were put inside and cooked.

[28:27] As a torture or punishment.

[28:28] Yeah.

[28:28] And this movie has a giant metal bowl where the fake oracles are put inside and cooked over

[28:35] an open flame.

[28:36] And so, to think that the one actor was in two movies where there was a metal animal that

[28:42] people were put inside as a torture...

[28:44] And cooked.

[28:45] ...to be cooked.

[28:46] I mean...

Stuart Wellington

[28:46] That's pretty amazing.

[28:47] That's an Uber.

[28:48] I think you're also saying it's a little like...

[28:50] I think it's weird that you're assuming it's exclusive to those two movies.

[28:53] I mean, I think almost every big budget movie has something.

[28:56] I don't.

[28:56] I don't think so.

[28:57] I mean, I don't go to a lot of movies, but there's trains morpher as I keep hearing

[29:00] about.

Elliott Kalan

[29:01] No, not at all.

[29:02] There's no people in a metal animal?

[29:04] No, that get burned?

[29:05] I don't think so.

[29:06] But maybe that's in his contract.

[29:08] Yeah.

[29:08] That has to be in a movie he's in.

[29:10] Yeah.

[29:10] But I will say one thing about this movie is that being a Tarsem Singh movie, it is

[29:15] visually gorgeous.

[29:17] A lot of...

[29:18] Even things look goofy sometimes.

[29:20] Always.

[29:20] A lot of effort and high emotion is put into the landscapes, the lighting, the costumes,

[29:27] the shots.

[29:28] It's dramatically inert.

[29:30] Like, it's boring as hell for much of it.

[29:33] And nothing really happens.

Stuart Wellington

[29:35] Even Stephen Dorff is boring.

[29:37] I think we all mentioned that.

Elliott Kalan

[29:38] And that sounds crazy.

[29:40] That impossible thing.

[29:40] Like, I just said...

[29:41] How could you imagine?

[29:42] He is supposed to be like a master thief, a charismatic master thief who meets up with

[29:46] the hero, maybe teaches him how to play dirty, but he doesn't do that.

[29:50] Like, he has no...

[29:51] The character basically barely exists and just ends up being a soldier in the army later

[29:56] on, banging his shield like everybody else and never uses any...

[29:59] And jumping and attacking people.

[30:01] Yeah.

[30:01] And it's a very, like, boiler...

[30:04] Story-wise, it's a very boilerplate, dull, mumbly movie.

[30:08] But visually, it's got a lot going for it.

Dan McCoy

[30:11] But yeah, but I mean, even beyond that, like, John Hertz in this movie...

[30:15] And he's never been in a bad movie.

[30:16] What's-his-face mumbles in this movie.

[30:17] I mean, he was in fucking Spaceballs.

Stuart Wellington

[30:19] I mean, he has a cameo appearance in Spaceballs.

[30:21] Yeah, he's in fucking Spaceballs.

[30:24] I think we've already mentioned Spaceballs is kind of the standard of big-bucket horror comedies.

Dan McCoy

[30:31] There's a barbed wire minotaur in this movie.

[30:33] Yeah, I mean, there are a few okay things in it.

Stuart Wellington

[30:36] There's a metal bowl that cooks three women alive inside of it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] But I will say, for a movie that is very much like...

Stuart Wellington

[30:42] There's a scene where a guy smashes another dude's balls with a giant hammer.

Elliott Kalan

[30:46] The minotaur does that.

[30:47] A soldier defects to Mickey Rourke, and Mickey Rourke says,

[30:52] You're a traitor.

[30:53] Why would I want you here when you've already shown me you're a traitor?

[30:56] He says something like that.

[30:57] We're not really sure.

Stuart Wellington

[30:59] Imagine he's mumbling and eating at the same time.

Elliott Kalan

[31:01] He's also eating and spitting things at the same time.

[31:04] Into his own beard.

[31:05] As a way of...

[31:06] He accepts him into his army reluctantly,

[31:09] and then has the minotaur crush his balls as a way of taking his cowardice out of the Earth's gene pool.

[31:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:16] Which is a pretty...

[31:17] It's a pretty badass moment.

[31:19] If the movie had lived up to that kind of villainy, it would have been great.

[31:23] To testicular croquet.

[31:24] Yes.

[31:25] But instead it gets very dull.

[31:28] There's one scene where Mickey Rourke is standing in front of his army making threats

[31:32] while he's also chowing down on walnuts, and he's getting crumbs in his mustache.

[31:37] And it's really hard to be scared of him when he's got crumbs in his mustache and his beard.

Stuart Wellington

[31:41] On the subject of stuff coming out of Mickey Rourke's mouth...

[31:45] The high point of the movie for me is at the end, you've got Theseus, he's got Hyperion on the ground,

[31:52] and I think he's like...

[31:54] He says some sassy thing before he stabs him in the throat.

[31:57] Probably a callback to something Hyperion said to him before he killed his mom.

[32:01] And he stabs him right in the throat, and immediately all this blood flies all over the place.

[32:06] Like, squirts out of his mouth.

[32:07] It's like he had a mouthful of fruit juice.

[32:08] And then it cuts to Theseus, and Theseus probably mumbles something back.

[32:13] And then it cuts back to Hyperion, no blood anywhere.

[32:16] He's just making a gritty face.

[32:18] And then it cuts away, cuts back, blood everywhere again.

[32:21] It's perfect.

[32:21] It's bad continuity.

[32:23] I like that part.

[32:24] That was my favorite.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] Your favorite part was the mistake.

[32:27] Yeah, I like...

[32:27] When he didn't have blood on his face.

[32:28] I'm a big fan of film flubs.

[32:31] It's...

[32:31] This is...

[32:32] I feel like even for...

[32:33] It's a movie that's living in the shadow of 300 in a lot of ways.

[32:37] Yeah.

[32:37] But I personally enjoyed 300 a lot because it's a big, stupid, dumb movie.

[32:41] But like, a crazy movie.

[32:43] No, it's stupid.

[32:44] And this movie is both not quite as stupid, but not quite as crazy and fun.

[32:49] You know?

[32:50] Well, I think that...

[32:51] It seems to be afraid of becoming stupid, which is a bad thing.

Dan McCoy

[32:54] This leads us into our final judgments because I don't think there's a lot more to say about this.

[32:58] And I wanted to say, you know, like, I wanted to like this movie.

[33:02] It's got...

[33:03] It's got John Hurt.

[33:04] It's got Mickey Rourke.

[33:05] It's got Frida Pinto Bean, who's very beautiful.

[33:08] It's got a bunch of, like, beautiful shots in it.

[33:12] It's actually, like...

[33:13] It looks great.

[33:14] It looks...

[33:14] It looks better than almost any movie we've seen in this.

[33:16] It looks better than 300, a movie that I don't like as much, I think, as either you or Stuart.

[33:22] But, like...

[33:23] But I like it better than this movie because, like, at least 300 has a certain narrative drive behind it.

[33:30] Like...

[33:30] Yeah.

[33:31] It just never stops.

[33:33] It has Flophouse all-star Gerard Butler chewing the scenery.

[33:37] It's...

[33:37] Like a maniac.

[33:39] Yeah.

[33:39] It's a deeply stupid movie, but it never stops.

[33:42] It never lets up.

[33:42] And this movie only stops.

[33:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] So...

[33:45] It feels like a movie sometimes made up of the scenes between action scenes from other action movies.

[33:51] Yeah.

[33:51] And then occasionally you'll get Apollo coming down and smashing people's heads with a hammer.

[33:55] But there's not a lot of that.

[33:56] And there's...

[33:56] Yeah, there's not a lot of drive or intensity.

Dan McCoy

[33:58] On our Flophouse standard of good, bad movie, bad, bad movie, movie,

[34:01] I kind of liked, I would have to say bad, bad.

[34:04] Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[34:06] Um...

[34:07] Yeah.

[34:09] I mean, I want to say a movie I kind of liked because I liked the visuals so much,

[34:13] but I wouldn't recommend watching it.

Stuart Wellington

[34:14] It really looks beautiful, but I don't know.

[34:16] It's a good-looking bad, bad movie.

[34:18] Yeah.

[34:19] I mean, I would...

[34:20] I'm...

[34:21] Yeah.

[34:21] I'd have to say it falls under bad, bad.

[34:24] I mean, it's not super terrible.

[34:26] I mean, it's not as terrible as some of the other bad, bads.

[34:29] But, uh...

[34:30] And, I mean, there's some...

[34:31] Like, I think near the end it picks up a little bit when the gods all show up and start murdering

[34:35] the, uh...

[34:36] The Titans.

[34:37] And every time they hit one of them, the Titans immediately, their bodies go into slow motion

[34:41] so they can, like, slap him into the air and then slap him back down like it's some kind

[34:46] of a video game.

[34:47] So that was crazy.

[34:48] Yeah.

[34:48] It becomes more and more video game-ish at the end.

[34:52] Which, if anything, I, like, I like that because it's a really weird decision to make.

[34:57] Yeah.

[34:58] But it doesn't save the fact that this movie probably works best in stills or watched in

[35:04] fast forward.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:05] With no sound.

Elliott Kalan

[35:06] So, bad bad.

[35:07] I think it's one of the few movies that would work better as a coffee table book.

Stuart Wellington

[35:10] Yeah.

[35:11] Than as a movie.

[35:12] Yeah.

[35:12] Like, I would be, I would love to look through the, like, making of with just pictures

[35:16] of it.

[35:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:18] Uh, so moving on.

[35:20] Before we get to our mailbag, I'd like to thank, uh, for donations.

[35:24] I would like to thank...

[35:25] Suddenly Dan's all business.

[35:26] Michael C.

[35:27] First ten minutes of the podcast.

[35:28] Yeah, he was a fucking black dude.

Elliott Kalan

[35:29] It was like, like, it's like the drugs wore off.

[35:31] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[35:33] Uh, I don't know why I'm complaining about it, but I'd like to thank Michael C.

[35:37] for the donation.

[35:38] Thanks, Michael.

[35:39] Michael C.

[35:40] Also, uh...

[35:41] Yeah, of Gamer.

[35:42] Remy M.

[35:43] Remy the Rat from Redditude.

[35:44] Remy the Rat from Redditude.

Stuart Wellington

[35:45] Oh, thanks, Remy.

[35:46] Thanks, Remy.

[35:47] That was that, that was that flop fan who you didn't remember.

Dan McCoy

[35:49] No, I remember her now.

[35:51] Thank you.

[35:52] Thank you, Stuart, for...

[35:53] Is it Remy or Remy?

[35:55] Remy?

[35:56] I would say Remy.

Stuart Wellington

[35:57] Remy?

[35:57] Okay.

[35:58] You know, like, fucking Gambit, dude.

[36:00] Remy LeBeau?

[36:01] Yeah, well, it's not Gambit, but...

[36:02] Good, I don't like Gambit.

[36:04] Well, you don't...

[36:05] Why don't you like Gambit?

[36:05] He's a fucking pirate cowboy ninja.

[36:08] He's everything that's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] In pink armor and a trench coat with fingerless gloves.

Dan McCoy

[36:13] I mean, Rogue is totally into him.

[36:16] Yeah, well, Rogue has a history of bad choices.

[36:19] Yeah.

[36:20] All right.

[36:21] So, uh, this first letter from a fan, it's from, uh, Evan, last name withheld.

[36:27] Uh...

[36:27] Almighty?

[36:28] It's titled...

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] First off, no mailbag song?

[36:31] I...

[36:32] He...

[36:32] He fucking went right into it.

[36:33] He just, he just zoomed through.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] So not pause for it.

[36:35] He 300 threw that so that I couldn't get into the song.

[36:39] Yeah, well, it's titled...

[36:40] So Evan, yeah, let's get back to it.

[36:41] Before I knew it, we were hip deep in letters.

Dan McCoy

[36:43] This letter's titled, if you don't read this, Stuart will die.

Elliott Kalan

[36:46] Oh, uh, I hope Dan reads it then.

[36:49] Does the letter have an antidote in it?

[36:50] Or it's some kind of audio-based poison?

Dan McCoy

[36:54] Yeah.

[36:54] I thought that would get your attention.

[36:55] Anyway, I have to give thanks to you.

[36:57] I've had a bad couple of weeks.

[37:00] My girlfriend dumped me without any notice.

[37:02] Oh.

[37:02] That sucks.

[37:02] She's supposed to give two weeks notice.

[37:04] I'm having trouble finding a job.

[37:06] I've been drinking more than I should.

[37:08] Also, I've been suffering from serious depression due to my recent circumstances.

[37:12] But your podcasts have gotten me to smile like a lunatic wherever I go.

[37:17] Oh, good.

[37:17] Whether it be Dan sawing and muttering, oh, Jesus, when everything goes off track, or Elliot

[37:22] relating something to obscure 1990s X-Men comics or sexual fantasies about Anne Hathaway.

[37:29] I don't think that Elliot...

Elliott Kalan

[37:29] That one never happened, and two, Stuart's the one who brought up Gambit just a second ago.

Stuart Wellington

[37:34] And second of all, Dan's the one who fucking put it off the rails all night tonight.

[37:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:38] I don't know if that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[37:39] But hey, and I have no sexual fantasies about Anne Hathaway.

[37:42] Why not?

[37:43] Come on.

[37:44] Yeah, you don't remember the times you were together as boyfriend and girlfriend?

Elliott Kalan

[37:47] That pain is still raw, you know, so...

Stuart Wellington

[37:51] It's a scab that hasn't completely healed.

Elliott Kalan

[37:53] Yeah, until my half of the locket can be matched up again with her half of the locket.

[37:57] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[37:58] And then when that happens, the grand conjunction will happen.

[38:00] Yeah, the planets align.

[38:01] And then, I don't know, the end of the dark crystal happens or something?

[38:05] Yeah, and then Gozer comes in.

[38:07] The Skeksis get...

Elliott Kalan

[38:08] They get morphed into those weird guys.

[38:10] Turn back into big tree people.

[38:12] Turn back into Groot.

[38:13] And then Gozer and everybody.

Dan McCoy

[38:16] Et cetera.

[38:17] But anyway, he says, I'm always amused.

[38:19] But I gotta say, Stuart's my favorite.

[38:21] Yes.

[38:22] Every podcast he seems like...

[38:24] Evan doesn't sound like a female name.

[38:27] Every podcast he seems like he's somewhere between too drunk and not drunk enough.

[38:32] That's his life.

[38:33] Certainly, he is the raconteur of our times.

[38:37] Anyway, I sincerely thank you for your trenchant insights on artistic films such as Dreamhouse and Mirrors.

[38:43] It's helping me through a bad time in my life, so I donated in thanks.

[38:48] P.S.

[38:49] Your 100th episode got me to watch Tango and Cash with my roommate.

[38:53] It's all I anticipated and more.

[38:56] So that was a heartwarming story from Evan.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] I'm glad we could bring some happiness into your life.

[39:00] That means a lot to us.

[39:00] And that we could share Tango and Cash with another human being.

[39:03] Yeah, that means even more to us.

[39:05] Yeah.

[39:05] That we could spread the gospel of TNC.

Stuart Wellington

[39:07] Especially now that Sly's going through a rough time with his...

[39:10] Yeah, don't bring us down.

[39:13] On a comedy podcast I shouldn't talk about.

[39:15] Okay.

[39:16] And it also dates us.

Dan McCoy

[39:17] This one, this next email...

[39:20] And we're married.

[39:20] We shouldn't be dating.

[39:22] This next email is from the Flophouse Fantasy Mailbag.

[39:26] Oh, okay.

[39:26] So you wrote this to yourself?

[39:28] It says...

[39:28] Dear Flophouse, I never thought this would happen to me.

[39:32] And it didn't.

[39:33] It's titled, It's Been a While.

[39:35] Hey, Dan.

[39:36] How are you?

[39:36] I know it's been a while since the Fantasy Mailbag had anything for you.

[39:41] Hi, Elliot.

[39:41] So I thought I'd drop you a line to see how you're doing.

[39:44] I hope all is well.

[39:45] Take care.

[39:46] The Flophouse Fantasy Mailbag.

[39:49] So I...

[39:49] So is that a thing?

[39:51] Is that...

[39:51] Yes, I'm glad that the Fantasy Mailbag has checked in.

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] Welcome to Fantasy Mailbag.

[39:59] I guess you get a letter that you want?

[40:00] I don't know.

[40:01] I'm baffled by that.

[40:02] That was your bit.

Dan McCoy

[40:03] I mean, you don't remember that?

[40:05] Look, I don't remember anything these days.

Stuart Wellington

[40:07] Are you...

[40:07] Did you just read an actual letter?

[40:09] Did you just make that up on the spot?

Dan McCoy

[40:10] No, that was an actual letter, but Elliot doesn't even remember his bit.

[40:13] I remember the song.

[40:15] There were a few weeks where we didn't have any letters.

[40:18] Yeah, so we were writing some letters.

[40:19] I was writing some letters.

[40:20] And so Elliot made up a Fantasy Mailbag letter.

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] Oh.

[40:23] I remember the song, but I don't remember the bit.

[40:25] So it is a bit.

[40:27] But not in this case, Elliot's bit.

[40:28] Finally, Stuart receives an answer to his age-old question, is this a bit?

[40:33] Wow.

[40:34] Is this the last episode of the Flophouse?

[40:36] We're tying up a lot of loose ends.

[40:37] Yep.

[40:39] The house cat's going to reveal his true identity.

[40:41] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[40:44] That's a maudlin house cat.

[40:46] Yeah.

[40:46] He's sad.

Elliott Kalan

[40:47] That was the house cat rehearsing for his Shakespeare play.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] We're all going to get our wish and get transported to Duckburg, where we're going to all live

[40:56] out the rest of our lives.

[40:57] Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Stuart Wellington

[40:58] As half-duck, half-Ninja-Turtle characters.

[41:02] And Gyro Gear Loose makes me something to ride around in.

[41:06] Fucking morphs me into Gizmo Duck or something.

[41:09] That sounds fucking awesome.

[41:10] Gizmo Ninja Duck.

[41:11] Awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[41:14] I love the idea that there's a part of Stuart's brain that hopes he can be half-duck, half-Ninja-Turtle.

[41:23] I'm guessing you want the Ninja Turtle's abs.

[41:25] Of course.

[41:26] Or you want the duck head.

[41:28] And feet.

Stuart Wellington

[41:28] And I don't think I want the Ninja Turtle's insatiable lust for pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] No, that's true.

[41:34] That's more curse than a benefit.

Stuart Wellington

[41:36] The hunger that can never be satisfied.

Dan McCoy

[41:40] So this is from Matt, you can use my last name, McGrath.

[41:44] Hey, Matt McGrath.

[41:45] Hey, Matt, you can use my last name, McGrath.

[41:48] This is titled, Elliot's Catchphrase and Other Stuff.

[41:52] First, a question for Elliot about his catchphrase, Anywho.

[41:56] Yep.

[41:57] I haven't said it in a while.

[41:58] That's right.

[41:58] He started saying this not-so-catchy catchphrase because as a fan of the YTV Family Channel

[42:04] slash Lucasfilm slash XSTTV members TV show version of the classic adventure game Maniac Mansion,

[42:12] if so, he'll know why.

[42:14] If not, he'll just think I'm insane.

Stuart Wellington

[42:17] Maniac Mansion's pretty awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] Yeah, I mean, the show was not such a great show.

Stuart Wellington

[42:21] Not as awesome as the Nintendo game.

[42:23] As the game.

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] But no, that's not the reason why.

[42:25] The reason why was just because it felt like a thing to say.

[42:29] That's the exciting origin story of Anywho.

[42:32] It was just that it felt like a word that should come out of my mouth at that moment.

Dan McCoy

[42:36] Appended to this email is what appears to be a very short spec script for a TV show called

[42:43] Wellington and McCoy.

[42:44] Okay.

[42:45] It's an erotic police adventure, I'm assuming.

[42:48] I'll read both parts.

Stuart Wellington

[42:49] More like a neurotic police adventure of McCoy's moment.

[42:53] Yeah, he was making a thumb over to Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] And I said neurotic.

[42:57] Wait, not erotic?

[42:58] Not erotic.

[42:59] Okay.

[43:00] No, no, the tagline would be, he's erotic, he's neurotic.

[43:03] Oh, okay.

[43:04] That would be about the other.

[43:05] It's prude meets dude.

Dan McCoy

[43:07] Yeah, it is.

[43:08] It is prude meets dude.

[43:10] Before the dialogue, there's a little explanation.

[43:14] Stuart, quote, Beef Wellington, is a hard partying vice cop who breaks all the rules.

[43:20] Dan, Cy McCoy, is a depressed detective who drives all of his partners to suicide.

[43:27] Alone, no department wanted them.

[43:30] Together, they may be the only ones capable of cleaning up this town.

[43:34] What town?

[43:34] The town being Duckburg.

[43:35] Okay.

[43:36] I was going to say.

[43:37] Interior.

[43:38] So, just cleaning up from the Beagle Boys.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] And Morgana, what's her name?

[43:43] Magica Dispel.

[43:45] I was thinking of Morgana Lafay.

[43:46] Yeah.

[43:46] Yeah, Morgana Lafay.

Stuart Wellington

[43:48] Morgana Lafay was named after Magica Dispel.

Dan McCoy

[43:52] Interior.

[43:53] Dim and smoke-filled strip club.

[43:55] Loud hard rock music plays.

[43:57] Stu.

[43:57] That sounds right.

[43:58] Hey, dude.

[43:59] Can you believe we're getting paid to do this?

[44:02] Say it, stupider.

[44:04] Dan.

[44:05] All right.

[44:06] Let's just interview this stripper and get out of here.

[44:08] I can't help but think of the terrible childhoods these women have had to end up taking their

Elliott Kalan

[44:15] clothes off for money.

[44:16] Yeah, but Dan likes that.

[44:17] That's a turn on to him.

Dan McCoy

[44:18] I bet half of these women have been molested by their stepfathers.

[44:21] Oh.

[44:21] I also have a terrible migraine.

[44:23] Sighs dramatically.

[44:25] Stu.

[44:26] Shotguns a beer.

[44:26] Belches loudly.

[44:28] Oh, come on.

[44:29] Check out that chick over there.

[44:31] She'll take care of your head needs.

[44:33] Points to the left of Dan.

[44:35] Winks at camera.

Stuart Wellington

[44:36] That's significantly funnier than I actually am in person.

Dan McCoy

[44:39] Camera pans over to Busty Woman.

[44:41] Her top comically pops off, accompanied with boing sound effects.

[44:45] Okay, you won me over.

Elliott Kalan

[44:47] Sound effects won me over.

Dan McCoy

[44:48] Camera jump pans back to Dan and Stu.

[44:52] Freeze frame on Stu's wink and Dan's wah-wah reaction.

[44:56] Was that the whole episode?

[44:57] Overlay the end.

[44:58] Pause and then add the end?

[45:00] Question mark?

Stuart Wellington

[45:03] So are you shopping the script around?

Dan McCoy

[45:05] It's a little short.

[45:06] It's more of a webisode.

[45:07] Yeah, it doesn't seem like it's a full thing yet.

Stuart Wellington

[45:10] So if you want Dan and I to film this, just send this email.

[45:17] Yeah.

[45:18] Let's set it up as a Kickstarter.

[45:19] How much do we need?

[45:21] $700,000.

[45:22] $10 million.

[45:23] $700,000.

Dan McCoy

[45:25] There's a real spectrum of amounts of money.

Stuart Wellington

[45:29] Well, we're going to hire Helen Mirren to play the stripper.

[45:31] Between $10 and $10 million.

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] $10 and $10 million.

[45:34] And Rodney Dangerfield's ghost to play Stuart.

[45:36] Yeah, and he does not come cheap.

[45:38] And Dan McCoy will, of course, be played by President Barack Obama,

[45:41] who also does not come cheap.

Dan McCoy

[45:43] Yeah.

[45:44] But speaks in a similar slow and stuttering fashion.

[45:49] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] Well, no, we're going to dub his voice.

[45:52] Yeah.

[45:53] What?

[45:53] Yeah, we're going to dub his voice with the voice of Sean Connery.

[45:56] Okay.

[45:57] But Sean Connery is going to be also...

[46:00] Doing a Darth Maul impression.

[46:02] Yeah, exactly.

[46:03] It's going to be Sean Connery's famous Darth Maul impression that he does at parties.

[46:07] It's his favorite star of his favorite.

[46:08] I don't remember Darth Maul saying anything.

[46:10] Because he's got a double and a lightsaber.

[46:13] Well, mostly his impression is like, I'm Darth Maul.

[46:16] Look at this.

[46:16] I got two lightsabers.

[46:18] Well, I only have one lightsaber.

[46:19] He's got horns.

Dan McCoy

[46:20] But Chicago ways to bring a double lightsaber.

Elliott Kalan

[46:23] A double lightsaber, yeah.

[46:25] Is that a packet with just two lightsabers in it?

[46:28] With a rip-off, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[46:29] Yeah, that's when you take two lightsabers, lick them, and stick them together, and then

[46:33] you give it to a kid.

[46:34] Oh, I see.

[46:34] They call that the Chicago package.

[46:36] It's two lightsabers.

[46:38] Yeah, it's dessert after one of those Chicago-style hot dogs.

Dan McCoy

[46:44] So this last letter for the evening is from Nathan, last name withheld.

[46:49] This has been Nathan Lane.

[46:51] Dear Floppers.

Elliott Kalan

[46:52] Say, do you remember my show Encore?

[46:54] I don't.

[46:54] Signed, Nathan Lane.

Dan McCoy

[46:57] Dear Floppers, I'm sure it has come to your attention that there's an upcoming film entitled

[47:01] Ted, starring Seth MacFarlane.

[47:03] This is obviously this email.

[47:05] Yeah, this is Theodore, right?

[47:06] Ted has come out and become a hit.

[47:09] But there's a film called Ted, starring Seth MacFarlane and Mark Wahlberg of Max Payne

[47:15] and the Funky Bunch fame.

Stuart Wellington

[47:18] Is that what that movie was called?

[47:20] The Funky Munch?

Elliott Kalan

[47:24] That was the tie-in cereal, I guess?

[47:28] The cereal, the Funky Bunch was always seen eating.

[47:31] It was Funky Munch.

Dan McCoy

[47:34] He says, it isn't directly addressed in the trailer.

Elliott Kalan

[47:36] On their show.

[47:38] Funky Bunch Saturday mornings.

Dan McCoy

[47:40] But Ted does appear to be a sequel slash reboot of the 2009 Robbie Coltrane vehicle Gooby,

[47:50] reimagined for our modern sensibilities, and also for some reason Gooby is much shorter

[47:55] and named Ted.

[47:57] As the internet's premiere, Gooby experts.

[48:01] Goobsperts.

[48:02] What are your reactions to the previews for Ted, a.k.a. Gooby2, colon, 2B?

[48:10] Yours in podcasting, Nathan Last Name withheld.

[48:12] Lane.

Stuart Wellington

[48:13] So Nathan Lane, I think there's a really good question about Gooby.

[48:18] For one, Gooby is terrifying.

[48:20] But hilarious and Eugene Levy's great.

[48:23] Thanks for writing.

Elliott Kalan

[48:24] What does that do with Ted?

[48:26] You have not answered any of his questions.

Dan McCoy

[48:29] Yeah, I don't know if that addresses any of his concerns about...

[48:35] I started asking about Gooby.

Stuart Wellington

[48:36] I just used our stock response.

Elliott Kalan

[48:37] That's true.

[48:38] He does have printed up a form letter for Gooby questions.

[48:41] This is the second time he's used it.

[48:43] Because we get a million.

[48:43] The first time was when he mailed one to himself to make sure it worked.

Dan McCoy

[48:49] Yeah.

[48:50] He pulls out his letter.

[48:51] I acknowledge that Gooby is hilarious.

Stuart Wellington

[48:54] And terrifying.

[48:56] Yeah.

[48:57] To be honest, I always kind of felt...

[48:59] Or I always...

[49:00] In the past couple weeks since Ted has been out,

[49:02] I have felt that it reminds me more of Alf than Gooby.

Elliott Kalan

[49:05] It is very Alfie, yeah.

[49:07] But not like Alfie the movie, like Alf.

[49:09] Because that'd be completely different.

Dan McCoy

[49:10] Whereas I feel like it reminds me of The Family Guy,

[49:13] where it's just like, oh, okay, instead of a talking dog,

[49:16] there's a teddy bear.

Elliott Kalan

[49:17] So it reminds me of American Dad,

[49:19] which is a totally different show than Family Guy.

Dan McCoy

[49:21] Instead of a talking dog, there's a talking alien.

Elliott Kalan

[49:25] Yeah, or the Cleveland show where I think it's a bear.

[49:27] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[49:28] So to sum up, Seth MacFarlane is brilliant.

Stuart Wellington

[49:32] So you guys are super excited about the new season of all those shows, right?

[49:35] Yeah, well, I'm just not a fan.

[49:36] Okay.

[49:37] Well, Alf is great.

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] I love this.

[49:41] The way he keeps yelling at Willie.

[49:42] I love it as a kid.

[49:43] What are we...

[49:44] I'm just going to say right now,

[49:45] Alf is a weird couple of character traits.

[49:48] He is an elderly alien.

[49:50] He's over 200 years old.

[49:51] He eats cats.

Stuart Wellington

[49:53] He has like a New York accent, right?

[49:55] Would you classify...

[49:55] I mean, Melmac accent.

Elliott Kalan

[49:57] Yeah, I mean, it's Melmac.

[49:58] It's Melmac, but it sounds kind of like a...

[50:02] Actually, I don't know what kind of accent.

[50:03] It's just kind of a basic accent.

[50:04] He's got a certain urban quality to him.

[50:07] Okay.

[50:08] But I just wonder, like...

[50:10] They went to the network and they said,

[50:12] I've got a great idea for a sitcom.

[50:13] Mm-hmm.

[50:14] The main character eats cats.

[50:16] Stop right there.

[50:17] We're ordering 100 episodes.

[50:19] Wait, did they make 100 episodes?

[50:21] At least.

[50:22] That show was on for a long time.

[50:23] There's going to be this sassy alien who irritates a family.

[50:27] Well, I was reading a thing about how at the beginning,

[50:31] Alf was much more of a bad influence than later on.

[50:34] He would smoke and drink and things like that.

[50:36] And they phased that out pretty soon.

Stuart Wellington

[50:38] And eventually he delivers a baby in one episode.

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] You're saying originally he was more of a Howard the Duck sort of character.

[50:45] Yeah, he was more of a Howard the Duck,

[50:48] kind of like John Belushi type character.

[50:51] And then eventually he just became one of those irregular cat-eating aliens.

[50:56] Yeah.

[50:57] Who had a crush on the daughter.

[50:59] It sounds like...

[51:00] Wait.

[51:01] And he had that weird cartoon show set on Melmac.

[51:04] You remember that?

[51:05] I mean, I wouldn't say it was weird.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] It was pretty great.

[51:08] No, it was fine.

[51:09] He was racing his Melmac speeder around.

[51:11] Mm-hmm.

[51:12] Pretending to be a rock star and stuff.

[51:14] Yeah, I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[51:15] Rapping Kate.

[51:15] Yeah, because he totally played guitar and stuff.

[51:17] Yeah.

[51:18] And more sunglasses.

[51:19] Well, that was the elf house.

[51:21] Our elf cast.

Stuart Wellington

[51:22] I wouldn't imagine that sunglasses would be designed for an alien's face.

Elliott Kalan

[51:26] An alien with tiny beady eyes and a long snoot.

[51:30] Whose ears are on the top of his head and not on the sides.

[51:33] Yeah, probably not.

[51:34] He must have gotten them custom made.

[51:36] So I hope that answers your questions about Ted and Gooby.

[51:40] So to answer your question about what we think about Ted, we like Alf.

[51:42] Remember Alf?

Dan McCoy

[51:47] He's back in pog form.

[51:50] So moving on.

[51:52] Anywho.

[51:53] This is the last segment of the show.

[51:55] It's the segment in which we recommend a film that we actually enjoyed.

[52:00] Yeah.

[52:01] Stuart, do you have anything for us?

[52:04] This is usually a minefield for me.

Elliott Kalan

[52:06] Okay.

[52:06] Yeah, with one of three mines that you keep stepping on.

Stuart Wellington

[52:11] Well, this time I'm not going to recommend either Head of the Family, Invisible Maniac, or Castle Freak.

[52:18] Although you should watch those.

[52:19] If you haven't by now, you have no excuse.

[52:23] I think I'm going to recommend a movie that I don't think Dan's recommended yet.

[52:26] It's tough, though, because you fucking see every movie.

[52:28] He sees a lot of movies.

[52:30] It's good.

[52:32] It's good.

[52:33] It's good.

Dan McCoy

[52:34] Oh, the hockey one?

[52:35] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:37] It was written by Evan Goldberg and Jay Beruchel of...

[52:41] Of Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[52:43] Yeah, of Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[52:44] Yeah.

[52:44] Yeah, that's what he's best known for.

[52:46] Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[52:47] It's a pop house movie that we did on the show.

Elliott Kalan

[52:50] Also of How to Train Your Dragon and She's Out of Your League.

Stuart Wellington

[52:53] Yeah.

[52:53] Well, it's a hockey movie.

[52:55] Undeclared.

[52:56] The basic plot line is not unlike a lot of sports movies where you have...

[53:03] Or most early Adam Sandler movies where you have kind of a bumbler who ends up getting involved with the world of hockey and it turns out he's great.

[53:13] But Sean William Scott brings something to the idiot man-child, like a dignity that Adam Sandler never really seems to bring.

[53:22] Plus, it's really bloody and actually very funny and Lieb Schreiber is great in it.

[53:27] So, watch Goon.

Dan McCoy

[53:31] I was in Italy for two weeks.

[53:37] And...

Dan McCoy

[53:37] No, I'm just explaining that I didn't see a lot of movies.

Stuart Wellington

[53:41] So, you're recommending the home movies you shot with your iPhone while you were there?

[53:45] That all involve you just turning 360 degrees wherever you are?

Dan McCoy

[53:50] I'm just...

[53:50] Oh, it's like a...

[53:52] Just trying to capture a little beauty and send it back to you jackasses.

[53:56] But, no, on the way over...

[53:59] The movies I've seen recently are movies that have already been recommended.

[54:02] Like, I watched Chronicle on the plane over...

[54:07] Of Riddick.

[54:08] To Italy and I enjoyed it.

Stuart Wellington

[54:11] That's a movie where Judy Bench stars as an air elemental.

Dan McCoy

[54:14] No, a movie that you recommended.

[54:17] Yeah, yeah, Chronicle.

[54:18] Stu, and I enjoyed it.

[54:20] I watched Martha, Marcy, May, Marlene.

[54:23] I didn't love it, but I enjoyed it.

[54:25] But you've already recommended it.

[54:26] You watched it on the plane?

[54:27] No, I watched it at home.

[54:29] Just now.

[54:30] So, I don't have a lot...

[54:31] Like, I've been busy.

[54:32] I haven't had a chance to see a lot of movies, so...

[54:34] Well, you've seen a lot of movies.

[54:36] I'm just...

[54:36] Reach back into the depths.

[54:38] I'm just...

[54:39] This is all prelude to say that...

[54:41] To a kiss.

[54:42] The next movie that I'm going to recommend isn't, like, a strong recommendation.

[54:46] But I watched...

Elliott Kalan

[54:47] As opposed to when you recommend Sherlock Holmes if you're on a plane.

[54:52] Fuck both of you.

[54:54] Sorry, your recommendation.

Dan McCoy

[54:56] I was jet-lagged.

[54:57] I was up very early in the morning.

[54:59] And on HBO, I watched Final Destination 5.

[55:02] Okay.

[55:02] Which I thoroughly enjoyed, I have to say.

[55:05] It was a lot more clever than any fifth movie in a stupid horror series had any right to be.

[55:11] Isn't that the one where they go in space, or do they go to the hood?

Stuart Wellington

[55:16] They go to the space hood.

[55:18] Whoa!

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] The bad part of space.

[55:21] That's where you see the rapping Martians.

[55:23] Yep, on the other side of the space tracks.

Dan McCoy

[55:25] No, they've been like...

[55:26] The rapping Martians.

[55:27] It's 90 minutes.

[55:28] It moves along...

[55:29] A drive-by spacing.

[55:32] It moves along pretty zippily.

[55:34] It's 90 minutes.

[55:35] It's got some good actors in it for what they're doing.

[55:38] A lady gets her eye burned out by a laser.

[55:40] Yeah, a lady gets her eye burned out by a laser, and then it pops out, and then a car rolls over the eye that pops out, which is pretty awesome.

[55:48] Yeah, I had a fun time watching it.

Stuart Wellington

[55:50] Can I describe movies as moving along zippily?

[55:53] Sure.

[55:54] Yeah, why not?

[55:54] What does it mean?

[55:55] Quickly.

[55:56] Like a zeppily?

Elliott Kalan

[55:58] Yeah.

[55:58] I don't know what a zeppily is.

[55:59] Okay, continue.

[56:00] Ellie, you're a recommendation.

[56:01] I mean, there's zeppelin.

[56:02] That's the thing.

[56:03] Well, I was also on vacation recently.

[56:07] I was in Scotland and England, and so I also didn't get to see a lot of new movies.

[56:12] I saw a couple movies since I got back, but none that I feel so strongly about recommending.

[56:17] So in honor of Scotland and England, I'm going to recommend a movie I saw a while back, but I don't think I've recommended on this podcast before.

[56:24] A Powell and Pressburger film called I Know Where I'm Going, which is a kind of romantic comedy with a little bit of very, very, very slight fantasy undertones about an English woman ending up in an kind of isolated village and finding love there despite her efforts.

[56:46] She wants to marry a rich man.

[56:48] She is not interested in falling in love, but there's a magic about the place, and so I think I'll recommend that.

[56:53] I Know Where I'm Going, a Michael Powell and Rick Pressburger film.

[56:57] All right, guys.

[56:59] That's three recommendations.

[57:01] Yep.

[57:01] One is a touching, lilting romance, and the other involves an eye popping out and then a car running over the eye.

[57:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:09] Choose which one you want to see.

[57:10] And the hockey.

[57:11] Probably the eye one.

Stuart Wellington

[57:12] And a lot of blood, and leave Schreiber with a handlebar mustache.

[57:18] So, guys, we did it.

[57:19] We did another thing.

[57:21] We got together.

[57:22] We watched a movie.

[57:24] And it's holding still strong to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[57:26] I like, you always end episodes by being like, well, guys, we did it.

[57:29] As if we climbed a mountain.

[57:31] We do this all the time.

[57:33] We talked for an hour.

[57:34] I'm trying.

[57:35] I'm trying to keep you guys' spirits up.

Dan McCoy

[57:37] This is a marathon.

[57:39] No, it's not, though.

[57:40] My spirit's fucking fine.

[57:40] Yeah, we're doing great.

[57:42] This isn't a fucking sprint, guys.

[57:44] It is.

[57:45] It's over.

Stuart Wellington

[57:46] Yeah, I mean, an hour-long podcast is a sprint.

Elliott Kalan

[57:48] Why bother to keep our spirits up when we're done?

Dan McCoy

[57:52] All right.

[57:52] Well, in the future, I'll be more of a dick to you, too.

[57:56] More?

[57:57] How can...

[57:57] Is that possible?

[57:59] But in the meantime...

[58:00] This is so weird.

Elliott Kalan

[58:02] I just want to say, Dan has gone through four personalities on this podcast.

[58:06] I don't know what's going on, Dan.

[58:08] I don't know who else is in your head that they should leave.

[58:10] We got Danny faces over here.

[58:13] He-Man fans know what I'm talking about.

[58:15] Danny faces.

[58:17] We have Dan, Daniel, Danielle, and Herbert.

[58:22] Which is Harvey and Herbert.

[58:23] It's two of her different personalities who also share a personality.

[58:25] Danielle is the sexiest personality.

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] Dan places veil over face.

[58:32] Wigs.

[58:33] Eyelashes.

[58:34] No, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[58:35] Let's just say goodbye.

[58:36] How about that?

[58:37] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[58:40] I've been Stuart Welledon.

[58:41] And for my...

[58:42] Hooray!

Elliott Kalan

[58:42] Hello!

[58:43] Follow us house cat.

[58:45] House cat.

[58:45] Pretty late.

[58:46] And for my crimes, I will continue to be Elliot Kalin.

[58:49] Good night, everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[58:51] So, yeah.

[58:52] Another great one for the books.

[58:53] Flophouse.

[58:54] Do-do-do-do-do!

[59:09] Flophouse!

[59:10] Flophouse!

[59:12] Hey, Dan.

[59:13] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[59:16] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[59:17] Flophouse.

[59:18] Because he just locked the door.

[59:20] Yeah.

[59:20] Dan locked the door.

[59:21] Yeah.

The Flop House: Episode #106 - Immortals

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