The Flop House: Episode #110 - Battleship

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the based-on-a-board-game movie that ruined Clue's good name, Battleship.

[0:31] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] And hey, to the third, I'm Elliot Kalin. The third. Actually, the second.

[0:41] How are you guys doing? Good. I missed you guys. You guys were on the trail.

[0:44] Yeah, we were away for a couple weeks.

[0:45] I don't want to reveal too much, but we're out of town.

[0:47] Reveal too much? We worked for a television show that was very publicly at the political conventions.

[0:51] That's true. But yeah, so I didn't get a lot of Dan and Elliot time, huh?

[0:56] Yeah, sorry about this, and we missed our Stuart time.

[0:58] We did hang out together while watching Seth Rogen movies.

[1:01] We figured that was the closest we could get.

[1:03] Yeah, I mean, it's basically the same thing.

[1:05] We put your face on a trash can, and we put a tape recorder inside of it.

[1:12] That went, wow!

[1:14] That's the right reverb. Sounds a lot like me.

[1:17] Yeah, but now we're all back together.

[1:19] Yep.

[1:20] For one brief shining moment before we're torn asunder.

[1:24] It's not that brief. The movie we watched was pretty long.

[1:27] Yeah, that was one of the longer movies we watched for this thing, if not the longest.

[1:30] Yeah, well, let's set this up.

[1:31] This is the Flophouse, a podcast where we watch a bad movie, then we chat about it afterwards,

[1:36] and tonight we watched a movie that was a trim two hours and 11 minutes long.

[1:42] Oof, yeah, a short 131 minutes.

[1:45] They couldn't cut a single minute from this movie.

[1:47] No, it was lean. It cut to the bone.

[1:49] Peter Berg's Magnum Opus, and I do mean Magnum Battleship.

[1:54] Why Magnum?

[1:56] Magnum means large, in the sense that a Magnum condom is a large gentleman.

[2:03] I thought Magnum condom was like regular size.

[2:05] Like Magnum P.I. was like a big P.I.

[2:08] A giant private P.I., yeah.

[2:11] And Magnum Force, the Dirty Harry movie, is about an enormous cop.

[2:17] An army of 10,000 cops, a big force.

[2:21] It's about the strong cosmic force, yeah.

[2:25] But this movie, Battleship, was about battleships, right?

[2:28] Not really.

[2:30] It was about the sales of the Hasbro game of the same name, right?

[2:33] This movie, Battleship, was about how far can a studio go to license a preexisting property

[2:38] and try to craft a story around it.

[2:41] That is also, as much as possible, the story of the movie Transformers.

[2:45] Should we talk about it?

[2:47] Probably.

[2:48] We usually do.

[2:49] Should we talk about something else?

[2:51] We could.

[2:52] We would probably be using our time much more wisely if we didn't talk about Battleship.

[2:56] Well, we already wasted over two hours watching it.

[2:58] Yeah, I mean, I miss you guys.

[2:59] Maybe you could talk about what you've been up to.

[3:02] Should we go through the plot briefly of Battleship?

[3:04] Please, let's do that.

[3:05] Well, let's just go over what the opening scenes of Battleship are like.

[3:09] Elliot, for once, wrote these down on the back of a receipt.

[3:13] I was like, I'm going to want to remember these.

[3:14] And then a couple of scenes in, I was like, well, I don't want to remember any of this.

[3:18] Okay, we start off with a bunch of scientists telling a bunch of reporters and other scientists

[3:23] that they're going to beam a message into space to look for aliens.

[3:26] Seems like a pretty concept we're all familiar with.

[3:31] But they go on about it for a while.

[3:33] This movie treats you as if you don't know anything about space.

[3:35] You've never seen a movie about aliens.

[3:37] What's an alien?

[3:38] Exactly.

[3:39] They're like, there are planets like Earth.

[3:42] No, you're thinking of immigrants.

[3:45] Build the space fence.

[3:47] Let's finish the dang space fence.

[3:49] Let's keep the aliens out from stealing or killing people and taking over the world jobs.

[3:53] So they explain for a while that a message is going to be beamed into space, and then they do just that.

[3:57] Cut to Taylor Kitsch, star of the show Friday Night Dreyfus, the show about Richard Dreyfus,

[4:03] is with his brother, who it turns out later is named Stone.

[4:07] Yeah, we found that out in, wait.

[4:10] During the credits.

[4:11] Oh, no, it was the last scene.

[4:12] Spoiler alert.

[4:13] Taylor Kitsch's last name is Hopper, by the way, so his brother's name is Stone Hopper.

[4:17] Stone Hopper, which is not a name.

[4:19] And Stone Hopper is talking to his brother about how his brother something Hopper, Sam Hopper, Alex Hopper.

[4:25] The main character of the movie.

[4:27] Everyone calls him Hopper, including his girlfriend.

[4:30] But they're at a bar.

[4:31] Hopper's just turned 20-something, and he is a total loser.

[4:36] A screw-up.

[4:37] He's a total fall.

[4:38] He's got nothing going for him.

[4:39] I wouldn't say he's a goofball.

[4:40] He's pretty serious.

[4:41] In a slobs versus snobs comedy, he would be cast as one of the slobs.

[4:45] Oh, certainly.

[4:46] Like a young Rodney Dangerfield.

[4:48] Not exactly.

[4:49] Sure.

[4:50] Well, I mean, he does not get no respect.

[4:52] He's more like the same age Andrew W.K., with his long hair and his partying heart.

[4:57] Okay, so a pretty girl walks up to the bar, and she wants to order a chicken burrito,

[5:02] since apparently this is one of those bars that has that.

[5:04] The bartender refuses to serve it to her.

[5:06] Of course, she's wasted.

[5:08] The bartender says, the kitchen is closed, and he closed the microwave door.

[5:13] Which is a funny joke.

[5:14] Yeah, it's a funny joke.

[5:15] But then, like, that doesn't mean that the woman then afterwards is like,

[5:18] oh, that's what the chicken burrito is?

[5:20] No, thank you.

[5:21] That seems to redouble her thirst for a chicken burrito.

[5:24] Hey, look, she's a cool gal.

[5:25] She likes crap.

[5:26] She saw that microwave.

[5:27] It was immaculate.

[5:28] Yeah, she was very clean.

[5:29] Spotless.

[5:30] Almost as if they had just bought it for a film shoot, and it had never been used.

[5:33] So he says, Taylor Kitsch is trying to hit on her, and he says,

[5:36] if you give me five minutes, I'll get you that chicken burrito.

[5:38] And she says, okay, you've got five minutes.

[5:40] Because that's impossible.

[5:41] Five minutes to make you a chicken burrito?

[5:43] He doesn't have the supplies.

[5:45] He doesn't have the skills.

[5:47] He's got to go to cooking school in five minutes, then grow the chicken.

[5:51] He doesn't know how it works.

[5:52] He's planting eggs in the ground to grow chicken trees.

[5:56] He doesn't know what he's doing.

[5:58] He runs across the street to a convenience store, which is closing.

[6:00] Uh-oh, they won't let him in.

[6:02] So the next scene, literally to the Pink Panther theme,

[6:05] is him breaking into the convenience store.

[6:07] Not a sound alike to the Pink Panther theme.

[6:09] They bought the Pink Panther theme and played it over.

[6:11] Henry Mancini's Pink Panther theme.

[6:13] And he breaks into a convenience store, falls through the ceiling,

[6:16] gets his chicken burrito, falls through the ceiling again.

[6:19] He pays for that burrito.

[6:20] He leaves some money on the counter.

[6:21] The cops are waiting for him outside, and he runs past the cops,

[6:24] is tased as he hands the burrito to the girl.

[6:27] This is a movie about space battleships.

[6:30] We don't know that yet.

[6:31] We don't know that yet.

[6:32] All we know is space exists, and this guy went to great lengths to get a burrito.

[6:35] This is still the fun portion of the movie.

[6:37] Yeah, maybe we were taken to the movie with a blindfold on,

[6:39] not told what movie we were watching.

[6:41] We would think it was called Burrito Ship.

[6:43] Yeah.

[6:44] Burrito Thief.

[6:46] Burrito Thief, the movie, based on the Hasbro board game, Burrito Thief.

[6:53] Archibald Burrito-tin III has his burrito safe wide open,

[6:57] but you're up against three other burrito thieves who want to steal that burrito.

[7:00] I believe that Colonel Mustard thieved that burrito in the convenience store with his hands.

[7:06] Wait, you can get a mustard burrito?

[7:10] Only a Colonel Mustard burrito.

[7:12] It's got to have corn kernels in it.

[7:13] I mean, that sounds pretty good.

[7:15] It's a lot of starch, though.

[7:16] The next day, his brother says, Taylor Kitsch wakes up in a bathtub full of ice,

[7:22] which leads me to believe his brother stole his kidney.

[7:25] And his brother Stonehopper says,

[7:27] That's it. You're a screw-up. You're joining me in the Navy.

[7:30] And he goes, Huh? Cut to the ocean. Battleship title.

[7:34] And suddenly it's the Japan versus U.S. Navy soccer game.

[7:38] Taylor Kitsch is cleaned up.

[7:40] He's either the captain of the team or something,

[7:42] and one of the Japanese players kicks him in the face by accident.

[7:45] They get into a fight, and he misses a very easy penalty shot.

[7:49] And you're like, All right, this movie's kind of funny.

[7:52] Proving that he can't handle the pressure of performing in front of a crowd of Japanese people.

[7:56] Yes. I mean, none of us can accept geishas, and they've been trained for that.

[8:00] Yeah.

[8:01] So by this point, you think this is a movie about a screw-up who's joined the Navy,

[8:05] and they're going to teach him how to be a man.

[8:07] This could be a very fun movie.

[8:09] Yeah.

[8:10] So you're like, Okay, you know what? This movie sounded stupid.

[8:12] It's based on a board game. I don't expect much, but I'm being entertained.

[8:15] Let's go. All right, movie, show me what you've got next.

[8:18] And what you've got next is two hours of the most boring movie maybe ever.

[8:25] And this is like an Andy Warhol movie level of boring.

[8:30] There's a brief moment later on that gets exciting when they introduce a bunch of geezers.

[8:37] That's true. Okay.

[8:38] Until that point, though.

[8:39] What are you talking about, Elliot?

[8:41] There's a bunch of explosions in that movie.

[8:43] But they're so boring.

[8:44] Explosions are always exciting.

[8:45] No, they're not apparently.

[8:46] Explosions, sound effects, robot effects.

[8:48] I'll give you one thing.

[8:49] Sound, robot effects.

[8:50] People call aliens that look like the Halo guys.

[8:52] To make a long story short, aliens got our message.

[8:54] They come back.

[8:55] Everybody repeats over and over again the most basic facts about alien invasions as if you've never seen a movie about alien invasions.

[9:02] Like Peter Berg, the director, is obsessed with the idea like I've seen a million alien invasion movies.

[9:08] I'm going to do it right this time so no one will ever have to go back and watch those movies that they probably already watched.

[9:15] Basically, yeah.

[9:16] So there's a lot of like there are five shapes coming towards us.

[9:20] I've been working on that impression for a while.

[9:22] Peter Berg impression.

[9:24] There are five shapes coming towards us.

[9:26] They're in formation.

[9:27] Oh, my God.

[9:28] It looks like they're being piloted.

[9:30] They're sending back a message.

[9:32] Where from?

[9:33] What are these things?

[9:34] Uh-oh.

[9:35] Now they're – it's like they're alien spaceships.

[9:37] They're probably sending that message back to space where you sent the message in the first place.

[9:41] You sent out a message to attract aliens and now aliens are here and you're like, what's going on?

[9:45] I don't understand.

[9:46] So aliens land.

[9:48] One of the ships hits a satellite and crashes and destroys Hong Kong.

[9:52] The other ships just start shooting away at navy boats.

[9:56] Sure, why not?

[9:57] We're in the middle of a U.S.-Japan joint naval exercise.

[10:00] The aliens land, they seal off a force field around some of the battleships and hang around for a while.

[10:07] They put this force field dome over it and it seems like they've got no interest in going anywhere.

[10:11] Like they just came down to just hang out in the water, shoot anything that's under this dome, this impregnable dome they've got.

[10:19] Except they somehow get past the force field.

[10:22] The force field seems to change size between small enough to cover three spaceships and a couple of battleships and big enough to cover the island of Oahu.

[10:35] Because that's where this relay station is that's shooting messages into space.

[10:39] And they have these spinning chain wheels that can just kind of roll through anything and cause lots of destruction.

[10:45] But the Navy can't seem to figure out how to get in to stop them even though they must have other ships in the air.

[10:51] The geography of the whole thing is really crazy.

[10:53] They've got these chain wheels that are like if you took Ghost Rider, the Tasmanian Devil, and like a robot and mixed them all up together.

[11:02] And a little bit of Pac-Man.

[11:03] Wait, the Tasmanian Devil isn't a robot in this world.

[11:06] He's an actual Tasmanian Devil?

[11:08] I mean he's not a robot in the cartoons either.

[11:10] He's not a robot.

[11:11] No.

[11:12] But how does he do that thing where he spins around and shoots laser beams at people?

[11:15] No laser beams.

[11:16] He just spins around.

[11:18] You're thinking of the wheel from this movie.

[11:20] Am I thinking of Gizmoduck?

[11:22] I think you are thinking of Gizmoduck when he presses all the buttons at once and goes battle crazy.

[11:27] It's his blood princess.

[11:31] He's a berserker.

[11:32] That's what people don't know about Gizmoduck is he's from a long line of Scandinavian berserkers.

[11:36] He's the best at what he does.

[11:37] He wears the bear shirt.

[11:38] And what he does, he's very nice.

[11:39] Underneath his armor he's wearing the bear shirt.

[11:41] He becomes more animal than man on the battlefield.

[11:45] More duck than robot.

[11:47] No, he's already a duck.

[11:49] They're all ducks.

[11:51] More robot than duck.

[11:53] He dons like a duck animal spirit?

[11:55] Yes.

[11:56] But he's already a duck.

[11:58] I guess it's their ancient ancestor.

[12:00] The spirit of a cave duck gets into him.

[12:02] Much like that one Ghostbusters episode where they call back Winston.

[12:06] You're talking about the real Ghostbusters.

[12:07] The real Ghostbusters, yes.

[12:10] Where they call back Winston's ancient African ancestor to defeat a spell or something.

[12:13] Wait, what?

[12:14] You don't remember that one?

[12:15] Wow.

[12:16] Was that with the boogeyman?

[12:17] No, it's not.

[12:19] Did that co-star LaVar Burton?

[12:21] No, it didn't.

[12:22] All right.

[12:23] But it's interesting because they're going through his past and he turns into a sharecropper very briefly.

[12:28] And eventually turns into an African tribesman.

[12:30] And it's like they really crammed a lot of the African American experience into this couple seconds of the real Ghostbusters.

[12:37] I want to say it's the episode where they're in the Museum of Natural History and the skeletons come to life.

[12:41] But I don't know that it is.

[12:42] Well, the world may never know.

[12:45] But J. Michael Straczynski probably wrote that episode.

[12:47] But anyway.

[12:48] So anyway, the aliens want to send a message back to their planet.

[12:52] That's probably along the lines of like, let's blow this place up.

[12:55] Because we're bad for some reason.

[12:57] We're bad for some reason.

[12:58] Send more cops, etc.

[12:59] And we periodically attack things and sometimes don't.

[13:03] They attack.

[13:05] I don't even remember why they get into a battle with the ships.

[13:08] But during it, they kill Stonehopper.

[13:10] There's a couple ships in the fucking bubble.

[13:12] And they blow up two of them and then just forget about the third one.

[13:16] Yeah, and Stonehopper is killed.

[13:18] And so his brother, our star, Taylor Kitsch, who apparently is the next most senior officer on board, becomes captain of the ship.

[13:25] Even though everyone knows he's a hothead screw-up.

[13:28] He's a total goofball.

[13:30] And not very good at soccer.

[13:32] And also the Japanese captain is on the ship with him, and they do not get along.

[13:37] Because of soccer.

[13:38] And he also is dating the daughter of the admiral.

[13:42] Played by Liam Neeson, who has basically a cameo.

[13:44] If you cut together all of Liam Neeson's scenes, I'd be surprised if it was more than six minutes.

[13:50] Yeah, if you saw the trailer to Battleship, you'd think, oh, this is a Liam Neeson vehicle.

[13:53] This is Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson.

[13:56] He's going to be the young hothead.

[13:58] Screw a tall man.

[14:00] Not being a tall man.

[14:01] If I can describe my Liam Neeson vehicle, the Neeson Mobile.

[14:04] Okay, sorry.

[14:05] Okay, it's like the truck in Maximum Overdrive.

[14:08] Instead of the Green Goblin's face, it's Liam Neeson's face.

[14:10] Okay.

[14:11] It also shoots out planes.

[14:12] Like young, or with a beard?

[14:14] Like the gray Liam Neeson.

[14:16] Beard, kind of haggard.

[14:17] A little bit of blood.

[14:18] And it shoots out tiny little cocktail bottles from airplanes, like in the gray.

[14:22] And it fights wolves, like in the gray.

[14:24] I mean, cars fight wolves anyway.

[14:26] He bought it when he made the gray.

[14:28] It used to be based around the gray, mainly.

[14:30] But there's also other Neeson stuff in.

[14:32] Like, you can change the face in the front, like in Darkman.

[14:34] And also it saves Jews, like in Schindler's List.

[14:37] Sure.

[14:38] The Neeson Mobile.

[14:39] All right.

[14:40] From Nissan.

[14:41] The Nissan Neeson Mobile.

[14:42] It's a Liam Neeson vehicle.

[14:44] But you would have thought that this was a Liam Neeson joint.

[14:47] They advertised this as starring Liam Neeson and Rihanna.

[14:51] Yeah.

[14:52] And Rihanna has a fairly sizable role.

[14:54] I don't even remember if they put...

[14:55] She has a lot of attitude.

[14:57] She's got a lot of sass.

[14:58] She's a sass-mobile.

[14:59] And there's a lot of shots of her, like, reacting to things with water on her face.

[15:03] That's because they're all getting wet, because they're in the ocean.

[15:05] Oh, that makes sense.

[15:06] So, anyway, this...

[15:07] But really, like, the Japanese guy is, like, the second lead in this film.

[15:11] He's the hero of the movie, basically.

[15:12] Yeah, I mean, he's the confident one.

[15:13] So, basically, this ragtag...

[15:15] This stuff's like Big Trouble in Little China.

[15:17] Exactly.

[15:18] There's two ragtag crews.

[15:19] It's Big Trouble in Little Hawaii.

[15:21] I mean, yeah, I guess it's not on the Big Island, so it is Little Hawaii.

[15:26] There's two ragtag crews that have to save the world.

[15:28] One is Taylor Kitsch, Rihanna, some other guy from Friday Night Lights that I didn't recognize.

[15:33] Jesse Plemons.

[15:34] Yeah, Landry, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[15:35] And Captain Nagata, who's a Japanese guy.

[15:38] And the other ragtag crew is Brooklyn Decker playing...

[15:42] Is that who that was?

[15:43] Yeah, some kind of a busty blonde.

[15:44] A busty blonde playing Taylor Kitsch's girlfriend, who's also the daughter of Liam Neeson,

[15:49] a double amputee army veteran played by a real double amputee army veteran.

[15:53] So show some fucking respect, guys, please.

[15:55] Okay.

[15:56] And a very irritating, like, overly neurotic nerd, computer scientist...

[16:01] Yeah, like a space nerd.

[16:02] Who works at...

[16:03] Jeff Goldblum type.

[16:04] Except, like, Jeff Goldblum...

[16:05] But without the sexiness.

[16:06] Jeff Goldblum to the power of Jay Baruchel.

[16:09] Okay.

[16:10] Right.

[16:11] And they have to stop the aliens from sending out a message.

[16:13] These two ragtag crews each have their thing.

[16:16] Now, the aliens blow stuff up by shooting bombs that look like giant pegs

[16:21] and then stick into the ships and blow them up.

[16:23] That's one of the two battles...

[16:24] Wait a minute.

[16:25] That reminds me of something.

[16:26] Like a game that I once played.

[16:27] What was the name of that game?

[16:28] Snakes and Ladders.

[16:29] No, it wasn't Snakes and Ladders.

[16:30] Try again.

[16:31] It wasn't Mousetrap either, because that game sucked.

[16:33] It wasn't Mousetrap.

[16:34] It was a different sucky game.

[16:35] Cribbage.

[16:36] That has pegs.

[16:37] That's...

[16:38] No, not Cribbage.

[16:39] And not...

[16:40] What's that peg game you do in Cracker Barrel?

[16:42] Is that Cribbage?

[16:43] Oh, like the jump thing where you jump the pegs.

[16:45] No, and it wasn't Mastermind.

[16:46] That's another game with pegs.

[16:47] Okay.

[16:48] It wasn't Life where you put the pegs in your car.

[16:51] It wasn't the Married with Children board game with Peg Bundy?

[16:54] No, it wasn't.

[16:55] Is that like a trivia game?

[16:57] I have to assume so.

[16:59] You get a little extra bonus whenever you're in the toilet flush.

[17:02] What does No Ma'am stand for?

[17:03] Go.

[17:04] No Ma'am.

[17:05] Yeah, you know, No Ma'am is an organization.

[17:07] It turned into a church that one time, so we didn't have to pay taxes on it.

[17:10] I lose.

[17:11] What does it stand for, Stuart?

[17:12] I don't remember.

[17:14] You have defeated the Quizmaster.

[17:15] It was a bluff.

[17:17] The rare double bluff.

[17:18] Answer me these questions three about Married with Children.

[17:21] Warning, I don't know the answers.

[17:23] That's why I'm asking you.

[17:25] Trying to fill out this questionnaire.

[17:27] This Married with Children questionnaire.

[17:30] So anyway, the other thing that's like Battleship is that eventually,

[17:35] after a ton of boring explosions and a lot of yelling,

[17:38] we're revealed what the aliens look like, which is they look like just dudes.

[17:42] They look like humans with weird sea anemones on their beards.

[17:45] Yeah, space beards.

[17:46] Space beards that basically look like a bunch of toothpicks are stuck in their chin.

[17:49] They have four fingers on their hands, and they have eyes like a lizard.

[17:52] And one of the guys on the ship notices he has a pet lizard,

[17:56] and that pet lizard doesn't like sunlight very much.

[17:58] So I guess aliens don't like sunlight either.

[18:00] So that's a weakness they learn.

[18:02] It's great logic.

[18:03] But they basically just dress up like armor like the guys in the Halo video game.

[18:07] It's the least imaginative alien design you could think of.

[18:11] And I'm sure they spent hours designing it.

[18:13] Much like the aliens in Cowboys and Aliens, which they spent hours designing,

[18:16] but looked incredibly boring.

[18:18] A lot of boring explosions.

[18:20] So the other thing that's like the game Battleship,

[18:23] and this is where Captain Nagata really shines,

[18:25] is instead of using their radar because the alien ships don't show up on radar

[18:29] because of their bullshit technology that is really great until the ships need to lose at the end,

[18:33] and it stops being powerful,

[18:35] they use the frequency of different, like what, electro radio buoys in the water,

[18:42] and they see where...

[18:44] They're like anti-tsunami weather buoys.

[18:46] Is that what they are?

[18:47] Yeah.

[18:48] And they look at where there are blank shapes where the ships are distorting the electromagnetic field,

[18:53] and then...

[18:54] And they go, A-12!

[18:56] Basically, they're like, Romeo, 29, and then they fire a torpedo,

[19:00] and if it hits, they go, Hit!

[19:02] And if it doesn't, they go, Miss!

[19:04] And this goes on for probably like seven minutes, but it feels like it's an hour.

[19:07] There's a lot of people, shots of people looking at screens.

[19:10] Yeah, and Rihanna looking at screens especially.

[19:13] But like, if there was ever a game...

[19:15] Man, I could watch Rihanna look at a phone book.

[19:17] Am I right, guys?

[19:18] Yeah.

[19:19] Really? It sounds boring.

[19:21] I've got to tell you, Battleship is a boring game.

[19:23] Yellow pages?

[19:25] White pages, blue pages, any pages, man.

[19:27] That's all the pages.

[19:29] Battleship is a boring game to play, but it is an especially boring game to watch someone play.

[19:34] Oh, wow, gloves come off.

[19:35] Gloves come off. I've never liked Battleship. It's a boring game.

[19:37] Fuck you, Battleship.

[19:38] And fuck you, Hasbro.

[19:39] The game is basically guess some numbers.

[19:42] The only way to make the game interesting is if you cheat by moving your ships between turns

[19:47] or having the ships so they hang off the board a little bit

[19:50] so there's part of them that's not within the field of play.

[19:52] Only way to make it interesting.

[19:54] So watching these people basically play Battleship is super boring.

[19:57] But they blow up a bunch of the alien spaceships because we cheated.

[20:00] reach that this is about an hour and forty minutes into the movie

[20:03] where it's like okay the humans need to start winning

[20:06] so the aliens need to stop being invincible and start being total

[20:09] pushovers for some reason we can blow them up now

[20:12] yeah to the point that these aliens that have crazy

[20:15] like rotating metal blades on their hands

[20:18] can be beaten up by a man with no legs yeah and

[20:22] that that's something that happens a double amputee gets to do a fistfight with an alien

[20:26] and wins

[20:27] and knocks his teeth out yeah he slow motion knocks his teeth out they have the same teeth as us

[20:31] bullets which so far have they do have the same teeth as us that's a convergent evolution

[20:35] we're not so different you and I you know

[20:36] really if we could have bonded over our teeth and

[20:39] and beards yeah well we our beards are different though they have toothpick

[20:43] beards we have hair beards oh that makes sense yeah you're right

[20:45] bullets which didn't seem to affect the alien ships before

[20:49] now do a ton of damage to them oh man yeah but I skipped over

[20:52] so they and then their ship gets blown up right they give away their position their ship

[20:55] gets blown up

[20:56] they've got to after they like smoke three alien ships yeah

[21:00] they've got to find a new ship where do they find this ship

[21:04] well in the beginning we saw Liam Neeson commemorate

[21:07] a former World War II or Korean War era battleship

[21:11] as a floating museum it's time to go to the USS Missouri

[21:15] so they go there but they don't know how to this ship is 60-70 years old

[21:19] they don't know how to use it there's no computers on it how are they

[21:23] how are they going to learn to shoot this ship

[21:25] step one turn on some ACDC

[21:28] step one turn on Thunderstruck by ACDC there's already probably some old

[21:32] fucking veterans hanging around because what else are they going to do

[21:35] you're in luck there are so many old veterans on this ship

[21:38] it's like they're haunting you there's suddenly a

[21:41] he looks up and suddenly there's just like old veterans hanging around the

[21:44] ship like the birds in the playground and the birds

[21:47] it's like are they ghosts what happened and then a big crew of veterans walks up

[21:52] I must have missed the part where they sent out an all APB

[21:55] all alert to call in Navy veterans because they're just suddenly there

[21:58] we heard there's some aliens need their asses kicked or it's like somebody

[22:02] somebody pulled off the tinfoil from a

[22:06] buffet and all these guys come wandering up

[22:09] they heard that Denny's was starting 30 minutes early for the early bird

[22:14] or I missed the line in the beginning where they're like now this

[22:17] battleship instead of fighting for war will be a museum of peace

[22:20] and also housing for all these homeless Navy veterans

[22:23] because they're just there hanging around and luckily in a

[22:28] despite the fact they brought some I guess like toys or like video

[22:32] what the fuck they bring like a like a crane where you can grab out

[22:36] there's like carnival games on the ship because they turned it into a museum

[22:39] they did not in any way remove all of the exploding munitions

[22:42] they left all that shit. This was now a public place to go to but it's still full of

[22:46] active shells. Live ammunition. Live ammo. I mean what are you going to do with it? You can't just toss it in the water anymore.

[22:51] No, of course not. That's against the law. Sharks get pissed. You can't shoot it into space

[22:55] because the aliens will find it they'll use it against you. Yeah. You can't eat it

[22:58] it's not edible. You can't give it away as gifts. It's dangerous.

[23:02] Leave it be. Just leave it on the boat. Leave it there for anyone to hit it with a hammer.

[23:06] Leave it for the old specters to play with.

[23:09] And so they refit this ship in about

[23:13] 30 seconds. So you like grizzly faces? You like mustaches?

[23:18] This is the movie for you guys. And this was the one moment

[23:21] after the soccer game and the giant metal wheel that just burst through things

[23:26] that this suddenly was like alright this is a goofy movie again here's some fun

[23:30] it's just like a lot of old guys. It's basically like

[23:33] navy cowboys. Old people who have to come out of

[23:37] retirement to save the world. To fight aliens.

[23:40] And like have there been any old people versus aliens movies? There have to have been, right?

[23:44] There's old people and aliens are friends.

[23:48] And Bubba Hotep is old people versus a mummy.

[23:52] I mean mummies could be from outer space though. I don't look up to that Stargate.

[23:57] Yeah that's the thing dude. He's probably a Gwawuld.

[24:00] That's true. He's probably... yeah that.

[24:03] So anyway. It's a Gwawuld. That's what they're called. What? Space mummies?

[24:06] Yes. Space mummies. Spummies?

[24:09] Let's see. If the movie was Mars Needs Mummies.

[24:13] I think we would have been eager to help them. Mars Needs Moms. We need those moms.

[24:17] Mars Needs Mummies. We just got these dusty mummies lying around.

[24:20] They're gonna steal your breath. Do whatever you want. Grind them up to make aphrodisiac or something.

[24:23] I don't know Mars. Do what you want with mummies. There's only so many mummy dicks.

[24:26] Look we don't need them opening their mouths and having hordes of bees or

[24:30] whatever come out. Let's just send them to Mars. They're scared of beetles dude.

[24:34] Well whatever they are. Mars could use them for something. I don't know.

[24:37] Grind them up into aphrodisiac powder. That's all I know what to do with them.

[24:40] You can only do that with a mummy dick dude.

[24:42] So what are we going to do with the rest of the mummy?

[24:44] Shoot it up to Mars. Mars Needs Mummies. Battleship.

[24:48] Scouring pads. Make scouring pads out of those.

[24:51] If we're lucky. If we're lucky they're wrapped in random lines from like a missing Aristophanes

[24:57] classic. Yeah.

[24:58] You know. Maybe if we're lucky. But otherwise send it to Mars dude.

[25:02] Just put it on a rover. Ship it up there.

[25:04] Yeah. Get some good shots of him driving the rover around.

[25:08] Yeah. It's hilarious.

[25:09] Talk about seven minutes of terror. A mummy loose on the surface of Mars.

[25:13] There's a movie. Mars Mummy.

[25:15] Point is at the end Taylor Kitsch all of a sudden understands how to be an army guy.

[25:22] Navy guy. Do not make that mistake. They do not like it.

[25:25] They play a football game against each other every year and they act as if

[25:29] they're going to kill each other. But he becomes a great. He harnesses

[25:33] the intelligence and the wiliness that have so far been hidden under layers of goofball screw

[25:37] up in this and manages to outsmart the aliens. He uses these old armaments to blow them up

[25:43] because I guess the lesson is the Navy stopped making good stuff a while back

[25:47] and now has just a lot of weak stuff. And also that I guess these alien ships

[25:51] degrade rapidly when they're on the planet because they fight this giant ship in the

[25:57] end and like they destroy it. They just.

[25:59] Yeah. Hammer it so hard.

[26:01] Like it shoots their ship once and they're like oh whatever.

[26:03] They also blow up the array which leaves them vulnerable.

[26:07] By then they've they've gotten rid of the force field.

[26:09] Yeah. And there are other and other ragtag group has so far failed to do anything.

[26:13] But they they use the last they use the last shell on the ship to blow up the satellite array.

[26:19] This knocks out the force field somehow even though the force field was independent of

[26:23] the satellite array earlier and the fighter and Liam Neeson goes get all these jets in

[26:28] the air and the fighter jets save them. No they had already knocked out the force.

[26:31] They knocked out the force. Then they blew up the array.

[26:33] Look they blow up so many satellite dishes. I don't remember.

[26:36] And the JV squad which was Brooklyn Decker the guy without legs and the annoying guy.

[26:41] Yeah. They did do something.

[26:43] They managed to knock the teeth out of one alien.

[26:45] They delayed. They delayed.

[26:47] They delayed one alien from doing nothing. The rest of the guys were like fuck it let's

[26:51] just keep working. Just keep working.

[26:53] Look we got a quota to meet. We got like blades on our arms.

[26:56] They're probably going to fuck that. He's going to fuck those guys.

[26:57] That guy was always a dick. Let's let him get his teeth.

[27:00] He's so proud of his perfect teeth. Let's let that guy knock his teeth out.

[27:04] You know what I'm tired of hearing.

[27:06] I'm just tired of hearing Glebe Glorp brag about his face teeth.

[27:11] We get it. He's got beautiful choppers.

[27:13] Not so pretty now are they Glebe Glorp. Have a taste of your own medicine tooth asshole.

[27:20] Yeah. These shaved monkeys really knock that shit out of your teeth.

[27:23] I wanted to mention that Taylor Kitsch and the Japanese guy use sniper rifles to shoot

[27:29] out the windows of the command deck of the alien ship and the sunlight blinds them.

[27:33] Blinds the aliens. It's one of those things where it's like wow that space glass is pretty weak.

[27:37] So it made it through the atmosphere I guess okay.

[27:40] But you can shoot it out with a regular sniper rifle.

[27:41] Regular sheets of glass there. And I guess and apparently tinted glass

[27:46] because that's how they shoot it out and then they can kill them vampire style.

[27:49] Well they are because their helmets have tinted glass. They established that.

[27:52] But I guess it's and they also don't want people outside seeing them inside.

[27:57] Oh yeah. They could be having sex in there. Come on.

[27:59] Probably. That's what you do in tinted glass cars right.

[28:03] Yeah. What do they do with their space beards.

[28:05] Yeah. They they rub space beards together.

[28:07] Sure. So they've saved the day.

[28:11] We've learned the valuable lesson that America.

[28:12] So the climax is over like super fast right.

[28:15] Yes. Yeah.

[28:16] After a bunch of fucking delay. Well after yeah after.

[28:19] It takes a while. Two hours of nonsense.

[28:21] Well they oh that's what they blow up the last ship and that's it's over.

[28:25] Yeah it just cuts to metal ceremony.

[28:27] Yep. Chewbacca's.

[28:29] Chewbacca finally gets his metal. R2-D2 you know rocks back and forth.

[28:33] We've learned the valuable lesson that Americans and Japanese people can work together.

[28:37] We don't have to be enemies. Even though the movie opens with a joint

[28:40] U.S. Japanese Navy exercise. It takes the main characters the whole movie to realize.

[28:44] You mean Rim Pack?

[28:45] Rim Pack. Yeah. The specific rim command.

[28:49] Rim Pack.

[28:50] Rim Pack.

[28:52] Finally the characters the end you know what we're not so different when you compare us to aliens.

[28:56] Well you have human teeth.

[28:57] And the aliens are pretty similar.

[28:59] Except for their weird hands and their eyeballs.

[29:01] Yeah I mean they're really boring. They just look like old men.

[29:03] Sea urchin beards.

[29:05] Yeah. The aforementioned space beards.

[29:07] They get medals. He gets they they give a shout out to Stonehopper for dying in the line of duty.

[29:13] No mention is made.

[29:14] No mention is made of all the other people who died in the line of duty.

[29:17] They're not cool.

[29:17] In fact those guys didn't have a cool name like Stonehopper.

[29:20] Taylor Kitchhopper gets the silver star.

[29:22] And finally this is the moment all the movie he's been trying to work up the courage

[29:27] to ask Liam Neeson for his daughter's hand in marriage.

[29:30] But he keeps screwing the moment up.

[29:32] Finally and he gets the courage.

[29:33] Now's the time.

[29:34] Shirley as the savior of the human race.

[29:36] The world from aliens.

[29:37] And he says I'd like to ask permission to marry your daughter.

[29:41] Which is not how you do it.

[29:43] I don't know if you guys called up your wife's father.

[29:45] I did not.

[29:46] I did not use the word permission.

[29:47] I said I'd like to request your daughter's hand in marriage.

[29:50] And my father in law said well what would you do if I said no.

[29:54] And I said probably marry her anyway.

[29:56] And he and you know he had a hearty laugh.

[29:58] And you said that and then lit a.

[30:00] lit a match on your cheek. Lit a match, threw it in the background, gas station exploded, I walked away slowly.

[30:06] But he, and then Liam Neeson says,

[30:08] no.

[30:09] And then they have a laugh about it and they go off to eat a chicken burrito.

[30:12] Remember that? Call back.

[30:15] Then there's the end credits and then there's a post-credits scene

[30:19] where some kids in Scotland find a big lump of space junk

[30:22] and they burn it open and then an alien hand comes out at the end.

[30:27] Oh, so that alien junk turns out that there's an actual alien in it that we kind of assumed as soon as we saw it there, right?

[30:34] Yes, and we're supposed to be scared that one alien is there,

[30:37] even though thousands of aliens, it seems, or at least dozens, have just been destroyed.

[30:42] Yeah, and the one guy without legs totally fucked up that one alien.

[30:46] Yeah.

[30:46] And that was like a big, like a boss alien.

[30:48] That was a big alien, yeah.

[30:49] It was not like a whole game boss, but definitely like a level boss.

[30:53] Yeah, exactly.

[30:54] So, Stuart, what made this movie so amazing?

[30:58] I will say there was one, there were a couple lines I liked in it.

[31:01] One line, they're talking about the art of war and Taylor Kitsch is like,

[31:04] I read that, doesn't make any sense.

[31:06] Attack your enemy where he's not.

[31:07] How do you explain that?

[31:08] And Captain Nogata goes, that's Chinese book, not Japanese.

[31:11] And at the end, he does a stupid trick on the aliens and he goes,

[31:15] attack the enemy where they're not.

[31:17] I get it.

[31:17] It suddenly just clicked and Captain Nogata says, that's not what that means.

[31:21] That's completely different.

[31:22] And he goes, what?

[31:24] We're like, really?

[31:25] And that's the end of that scene.

[31:26] But anyway, you're saying, Stuart, what made the movie amazing?

[31:29] Yeah.

[31:29] Because you loved it, right?

[31:30] The whole time you were on the edge of your seat.

[31:32] I was clapping my hands.

[31:32] Cheering, going, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[31:34] There was a lot of good.

[31:35] I like the part where they show that they fished an alien,

[31:39] a dead alien body out of the ocean and they're looking at it for a while.

[31:43] And then the alien, oh no, wow, it's alive.

[31:45] And it starts wrestling with them.

[31:46] And then the wall explodes and a bunch of aliens show up,

[31:50] take their buddy and just leave.

[31:53] I mean, that leads into an interesting middle part of the movie.

[31:58] I'd like to hear their story.

[32:00] Alien Team Six or whatever.

[32:02] Alien Team Glorp.

[32:04] There's a whole middle section of the movie where the aliens have decided

[32:08] that Taylor Kitsch's battleship is not worth fucking with.

[32:11] Yeah, they target it and then he turns the ship around.

[32:14] Yeah, he turns the ship around and turns the guns off or whatever.

[32:17] And they're like, OK, well, not a threat anymore.

[32:19] But then later on, they like send in like individual aliens to cause chaos on a ship.

[32:24] It's like, why not just shoot the fucker down if you're going to be toying with him?

[32:27] It's a game of cat and alien or I guess alien and mouse.

[32:30] But also, you know, I think cat and alien aliens eat cats, right?

[32:34] Yeah. Alf did. That's true.

[32:35] Good point. Very well.

[32:38] Can you who are you not familiar with?

[32:40] Gordon Shumway, the alien life form.

[32:42] Oh, OK, that makes sense.

[32:43] We'll talk about that later.

[32:44] Cat eating rock and roll loving party animal alien.

[32:48] Whose alcoholism was so harsh in the first season

[32:51] that they dialed it back for later episodes.

[32:53] It's like a like a book, like a like a series of novels.

[32:55] It's like a book you watch on television.

[32:57] We call it a television show. Oh, OK.

[33:00] It's on nowadays, right? On Lifetime?

[33:02] No, it's been off the air for about 20 years.

[33:04] Lifetime is a story for women.

[33:08] That's on what? The the Oxygen Network?

[33:09] Yeah, it's about it's about an abusive alien husband.

[33:14] It's called the burning bed on the spaceship.

[33:17] Mother, may I sleep with aliens?

[33:19] Ancient aliens.

[33:21] So the aliens, when they look at things,

[33:23] they have kind of like a Terminator targeting array that differentiates

[33:27] between organic and non-organic materials because they look at a person

[33:31] and they'll see it has eyes.

[33:32] It has that heart, lungs, not worth our trouble.

[33:35] Then it'll look at like a wall or a wire and that will come up red on the display.

[33:40] And they're like, we'll attack that.

[33:41] Yeah, the spinning death balls do that.

[33:43] Yeah, it didn't attack people, but it would attack guns, cars,

[33:47] helicopters, highway ramps.

[33:49] I like the bit where the spinning death ball.

[33:52] It looks like it just barely misses the helicopter

[33:54] and then it lashes out its chain tail and rips the helicopter in half.

[33:58] And then it pauses just long enough to like wink at the camera

[34:02] before driving off to kill more shit.

[34:03] That chain ball had more personality than most of the characters in the movie.

[34:09] I'm telling you, you got Taylor.

[34:10] But that guy was a veteran of of, you know, wars, man.

[34:16] No, the other guy, the guy that you're making fun of, the guy without his legs.

[34:19] He's a veteran.

[34:20] He had personality.

[34:21] I'm not talking about him.

[34:23] I don't know.

[34:24] I'm talking about like here, the personality or Rihanna.

[34:26] I mean, she's out of her element here.

[34:28] Well, here's the thing.

[34:29] She's normally a singer.

[34:30] She's normally and now she's fighting aliens.

[34:31] And that's true.

[34:33] That is out of her element.

[34:34] It's rare that a singer gets to do that.

[34:36] Basically, Debbie Gibson and Pat Vanatar.

[34:38] And that's it.

[34:40] David Bowie was an alien.

[34:42] Yeah, they were the alien.

[34:43] That was the alien they were fighting.

[34:44] So I guess maybe he was.

[34:45] I mean, to him, humans are aliens.

[34:47] And he was always fighting humans, right?

[34:48] Yeah, that's true.

[34:49] Well, he and now he was a spider from Mars.

[34:51] He came to Earth to get mummies.

[34:54] We thought he was saying mommies.

[34:55] We don't want to give up our moms.

[34:56] No. So we sent him packing.

[34:58] Yeah. Then he did that terrible dance in the streets cover

[35:01] with that crazy video with Mick Jagger.

[35:03] It all makes sense now.

[35:04] The pieces are falling into place.

[35:07] And then he turned into Tilda Swinton.

[35:08] Now, here's the other thing about this movie.

[35:11] Something we were talking about during while watching it was that

[35:14] the movie Aliens, Jim Cameron's Aliens, great movie,

[35:19] does such a good job of introducing these military characters,

[35:22] giving them character that is both down to earth and believable,

[35:26] also interesting and charismatic, and then setting them up to fight aliens.

[35:31] They try to do that in this movie and they fail so totally.

[35:34] And I can't put my finger on why exactly they fail.

[35:36] And they take a million years to do it.

[35:38] Yeah. And it takes forever to set these guys up.

[35:41] Why, Dan, why do you think they fit?

[35:42] Why do you think these characters come alive?

[35:44] I do. I do not know.

[35:45] But I will say like they do.

[35:47] You're right in that they spend

[35:50] 40 minutes in this movie before aliens show up.

[35:53] And it's not like this is not, you know, building suspense.

[35:57] This is not careful world building.

[35:59] 40 minutes like, oh, when these aliens show up, it's going to be

[36:02] it's going to blow the audience's mind.

[36:03] This is 40 minutes wasted on thievering burritos.

[36:08] And that's the best part.

[36:10] That is the best part.

[36:12] But it's not telling you if it was a movie about burrito

[36:15] thieving with explosions in the background, it would be much better.

[36:18] It was called Burrito Thief based on the game.

[36:20] It would have been much better.

[36:21] But that's the thing is the scenes that come to life in this movie

[36:24] are the scenes that are so inessential that if they got cut,

[36:27] you really wouldn't notice.

[36:29] But except the movie would be less enjoyable.

[36:31] But like they take so long to explain the concept of aliens attacking Earth,

[36:36] something that they've been making movies about for.

[36:38] I mean, it's been in a staple of literature for 100 years at least.

[36:41] When did War of the Worlds come out?

[36:42] You know, it's one of those big ensemble action movies where

[36:47] they have all these characters and they need to make sure

[36:50] that all these characters have about one or two

[36:54] like five or 10 minute character moments to lead up to them,

[36:58] I guess, fighting an alien, dying or not dying, basically.

[37:01] And it just makes it so like it just becomes so bloated and unnecessary.

[37:06] But that's how that's how it reaches two hours and 11 minutes.

[37:09] But even those character moments are usually just kind of like

[37:12] there are two types, either characters, a total goof or they're really sassy.

[37:16] Yeah. And that's about it.

[37:18] No, I mean, they're not actual character moments.

[37:20] It's not like we're watching fucking USA or something.

[37:23] Mm hmm. Well, yeah, it's

[37:26] we're watching a guy like berate his coworker for not giving him information

[37:31] in the fashion that he likes it or something like, yeah, it's not important.

[37:35] They can cut the scene out.

[37:37] Yeah, I think we should move on to our final judgments on this movie,

[37:39] whether it was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, a movie we kind of liked.

[37:43] Elliot, we have to say we're going to like me.

[37:45] First, four stars out of 100.

[37:49] No, it's a movie that unusual rating system.

[37:51] I'm going to this movie. It was like, did I have any hope I was going to like it?

[37:54] No, of course not. It's Battleship, the movie.

[37:56] It's another stupid alien invasion movie.

[37:58] I like alien stories. This one looked no good.

[38:01] But the first look, no good.

[38:04] The first couple scenes had the promise that it could be a good, bad movie

[38:08] because it was like silly.

[38:09] It didn't take itself too seriously.

[38:11] The characters did crazy stuff.

[38:12] And then it just went downhill and became so dull.

[38:15] So I'm going to say bad, bad movie. Sorry, Peter Berg.

[38:19] What about you, Stuart? Yeah, I'll agree with you.

[38:21] I think I think if they had chopped about two hours,

[38:25] they got two hours out of this movie.

[38:28] It's I mean, it has the problem that a lot of these these big movies have where

[38:32] just there's this huge middle section that doesn't like the action sequences

[38:36] don't make up for it.

[38:37] I think it's the same problem that we had with Cowboys and Aliens, right?

[38:40] Yeah. If they let's get this serious, guys, this is Cowboys and Aliens.

[38:43] Bad, right? Yeah. Yeah.

[38:45] Which is not which it means had potential, but didn't didn't live up to it

[38:48] and was boring because they just had a ton of potential.

[38:51] It's a great game.

[38:52] Burrito Thief is a huge seller.

[38:55] Here's the potential that Battleship had.

[38:57] It's been a long time since we've seen a naval warfare movie.

[39:00] I would say when was the last time they really did one

[39:03] that was not a pirate movie, 20, 30 years.

[39:06] Yeah, at least easy.

[39:08] It would be a lot of fun to see like a really well-made World War

[39:10] Two naval battle movie or even a modern day naval battle movie.

[39:14] But instead, they had to bring aliens and shit into it and transforming stuff

[39:18] because they're working off of that Transformers template

[39:21] that is currently ruining the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie

[39:23] while we speak in production now or in pre-production.

[39:26] But it's just like Alien Turtles. No, thank you.

[39:31] The but it definitely could have lost at least 30 minutes out of the movie.

[39:35] So Cowboys and Aliens could have lost like 20, 25.

[39:38] This could have lost anywhere from 30 to 40, you know.

[39:41] Yeah, I would say that if this movie was only the first 40 minutes

[39:44] in the last 20, it might be a good, bad movie.

[39:47] I mean, then it would be an hour long.

[39:48] Yeah, and that would be a great link for this story.

[39:51] Perfect. But otherwise, yeah, it was a bad, bad movie.

[39:55] And it bored me.

[39:56] Yeah, just make it into an episode of Amazing Stories.

[40:00] There's a lot of money in that, right? No. High-budget Amazing Stories episodes.

[40:05] Amazing Stories episodes that cost $200 million each.

[40:09] Before we get into letters, I think that we should maybe briefly get into the big announcement that's coming up in the flop house world.

[40:17] Is it time to make that announcement?

[40:19] I think we're clear to at least make reference to it.

[40:22] So our big announcement is we're doing a live show next week in Williamsburg.

[40:27] That is a big announcement, though. September 19th, we are doing a live discussion show.

[40:31] We won't be screening a movie, but we're doing a panel within coordination and also appearing on the panel.

[40:36] Xenia and Matt of I Love Bad Movies, our favorite zine.

[40:39] That's September 19th at Free Assembly in Williamsburg.

[40:41] Yeah, if you go to www.flophousepodcast.com, there's links, I feel like.

[40:48] And it is a free event, right?

[40:49] Yeah, it's totally free.

[40:51] 21 plus, guys, 21 plus.

[40:53] 21 plus only because they serve beer better.

[40:55] He doesn't want to get tricked into oogling the wrong girls.

[40:57] No, I mean, I'll ogle them, but I just don't –

[41:00] He doesn't want to get tricked into sleeping with them.

[41:02] Yeah.

[41:03] She told me she was 21 plus.

[41:05] Some kind of a gaslighting where they trick him out of his inheritance.

[41:08] And we are going to do a screening later in the year, too, but we will announce that.

[41:12] Yeah, but because this is midway through September and there's a big announcement of this launch October 1st, it seems like –

[41:19] Oh, should we wait until October 1st then?

[41:21] Yeah, that makes sense.

[41:24] But once that happens, we're part of the thing.

[41:27] We can't edit this out.

[41:28] Yeah, but if we're – this may be something to edit out.

[41:31] If we're part of the thing and they're announcing October 1st, they might not want us to step on their announcement.

[41:36] Maybe let's get in touch with them and see if it's okay to announce it ahead of time because we're recording again the week after next.

[41:43] All right.

[41:44] Well, there's a mysterious thing.

[41:46] I think you could probably cut all this section out except for the part about September 19th.

[41:50] No, no.

[41:51] The voter voting racist thing.

[41:52] No.

[41:53] Well, we have –

[41:54] We're cutting out all that.

[41:55] Well, there will be some –

[41:56] I don't have time to cut this, Elliot.

[41:57] We're going to go to –

[41:58] We're going live.

[41:59] We're going to Colorado and then L.A. this weekend.

[42:01] Oh, that's true.

[42:02] We're traveling.

[42:03] Well, we will have a big announcement that's in coordination with some other folks, so we're going to check with them and see if it's okay to announce it yet.

[42:09] But we do have a big announcement coming up.

[42:11] And it's not really going to change anything.

[42:13] That's right.

[42:14] Sue Ellington is getting married.

[42:16] It's also exciting.

[42:18] If it is an exciting announcement.

[42:20] But until then, tide yourself over on September 19th with our discussion show at Public Assembly in Williamsburg.

[42:27] Where we won't be talking about our big announcement.

[42:29] Where we won't be talking about our big announcement.

[42:31] We will be having fun with you, the listener.

[42:34] So now it's time to move on to the Flophouse Mailbag.

[42:37] This is the part where we read letters that you send us in and make fun of you maybe.

[42:41] Normally I would sing a song about it, but we're running out of time, so let's do this thing.

[42:44] So this one's titled Name Dropping for Fun and Profit.

[42:47] And it's from Patrick, last name withheld.

[42:49] Oh, we're not going to drop that name, huh, Patrick?

[42:51] He says, Dear Floppers, I can't help noticing the value you all place on name dropping.

[42:56] For instance, Elliot can't stop talking about his high school girlfriend, Anne Hathaway.

[43:01] I never talk about her. It was not my girlfriend.

[43:03] So I think it's only appropriate that I do a little name dropping in order to get a mention on a podcast with upwards of hundreds of listeners.

[43:11] We have plenty of listeners.

[43:12] Elliot, especially, prepare to meet your heart out. Eat your heart out.

[43:15] I am the grandson of mildly famous actor Eddie Bracken.

[43:19] Oh, I'm a big fan of Eddie Bracken.

[43:21] Yes, that Eddie Bracken from Miracle of Morgan's Creek, Hail to the Hot Conquering Hero, and most importantly, not most importantly, National Lampoon's Vacation.

[43:30] I saw him on stage in a production of Carousel at the Paper Mill Playhouse years ago. I was very excited.

[43:35] I'm a big fan of Eddie Bracken. Nice to meet you, Patrick Bracken.

[43:38] Maybe.

[43:39] Question mark.

[43:41] I'm sure you're interested in the hours of in-depth behind the scenes.

[43:44] You know what? He lived in New Jersey not far from where I grew up, and I kick myself all the time that I was too old.

[43:51] It wasn't until I was old enough to think of going and trying to get in touch with him.

[43:56] He was too old, and he had passed away at that point, but sad really. I wish I had gotten to know Eddie Bracken.

[44:01] Well, you were about to through the miracle of this email.

[44:04] The miracle of this Morgan's Creek email?

[44:06] He says, I'm sure you're interested in the hours of in-depth behind the scenes anecdotes I could share.

[44:12] Unfortunately, I was foolishly more interested in proving to my grandfather that I loved him for who he was, not for his profession.

[44:19] So I failed to ask him much about his Hollywood life.

[44:22] There are, however, some tidbits I can share with you.

[44:25] That was a weird moment.

[44:26] I'm sure you will find these fascinating.

[44:28] Number one, Judy Garland was not always sober.

[44:33] Number two, Mickey Rooney was kind of a womanizer.

[44:37] Number three, Betty Davis was a bitch.

[44:41] You're welcome, floppers. Keep up the great work.

[44:43] Wait a minute.

[44:44] So there you go.

[44:45] So Eddie Bracken told you the most famous things about those people.

[44:49] Is it possible he didn't know anything?

[44:51] That Eddie Bracken didn't know any Eddie Bracken stories?

[44:54] I don't think he's actually related to Eddie Bracken.

[44:56] He just looked on the internet for himself.

[44:58] I would be so betrayed if someone claimed to be Eddie Bracken's grandson and was not.

[45:03] I'm such a big Eddie Bracken fan.

[45:05] You're snacking on Bracken.

[45:09] I don't know what that means.

[45:11] That was when he came out with the Bracken bar.

[45:13] It was chocolate around peanut, and then there was some of his own skin in the center.

[45:18] Oh, that's delicious.

[45:19] That came out around World War II when nougat was really highly rationed.

[45:23] They couldn't get nougat, so they replaced it with Eddie Bracken's skin cells.

[45:27] It was the Bracken bar, and he would say, you're snacking on Bracken.

[45:30] Who would he say that to?

[45:32] Just people in the street?

[45:33] Advertisers, newsreels, or people on the streets.

[45:35] Sure.

[45:36] I mean, that's pretty advertising.

[45:37] He did live on Cannibal Island, so he would say that to people there, too.

[45:41] Is that New Jersey?

[45:42] Yes, Cannibal Island.

[45:43] It's not actually an island.

[45:45] So, Eddie Bracken.

[45:48] This one is titled, What Are You Guys Doing?

[45:51] It's from David Lassner.

[45:54] Come on, Einstein.

[45:56] Answer that one and next letter.

[46:00] Way to observe reality, Sir Francis Bacon.

[46:03] This one is from David, last name withheld.

[46:05] He says,

[46:06] It's not my brother, is it?

[46:07] Dear Eloquent Elliot, Salacious Stew, and Dashing Dan,

[46:11] I was re-listening to some older episodes of The Flophouse,

[46:13] and I noticed a disturbing trend over the past few years.

[46:17] Lately, when you need a guest host, Dan or Elliot grab another writer from The Daily Show

[46:21] and bring them on for the podcast.

[46:23] But it's a different writer every time.

[46:25] None of them seems willing or able to return for a second guest host outing.

[46:29] They don't want to come back.

[46:30] Are the movies just too much for them?

[46:32] Is Dan's Apartment such a horror show that they won't return?

[46:35] Yes.

[46:36] Are you guys driving them off with your obscene behavior and tuxedo speedos?

[46:39] Possibly.

[46:40] Or is there something more sinister occurring as you work your way through Daily Show writers one by one?

[46:45] That's from David, last name withheld.

[46:48] Is he implying that we are murdering my co-workers and your co-workers?

[46:51] It's like a Body Snatchers thing.

[46:53] Body Snatchers?

[46:54] Yeah, they're coming over and we're, like, turning them into fucking mummies or something and sending them back out.

[46:59] And we're keeping their original bodies.

[47:01] I don't know, for food or something?

[47:03] Well, it makes sense to me.

[47:05] Officers, arrest us.

[47:11] I don't know.

[47:12] We like to mix it up, you know?

[47:14] The simple answer is we try and cast a wide net.

[47:18] Not everyone wants to come and watch a bad movie and then talk about it more than once.

[47:24] And it's a weeknight. It's like a school night.

[47:26] It's usually a weeknight, and we've been trying to schedule it lately so all three of us are available so we don't have to get subs.

[47:31] Yeah, not to get into, like, the boring, like, actual nuts and bolts.

[47:34] Too late.

[47:35] You asked for it, David.

[47:37] Here's the not-joke answer, which is, number one, that we have had repeat people.

[47:43] We had Juvenon twice.

[47:44] And number two, we've asked people on as a repeat person.

[47:47] We asked Hallie back, but she's been busy.

[47:49] Other people have lives.

[47:50] They're not just raring to go for the flop house.

[47:54] Me? I'm raring.

[47:55] Stuart's always raring to go.

[47:57] Whether it's to go to the flop house or go to the park, we're actually taking him to the vet.

[48:01] He thinks he's going to the park.

[48:04] Hey, Stu, shaking your leash?

[48:05] Okay, where are we going?

[48:07] The park.

[48:08] Oh, that's cool.

[48:09] Actually, the vet.

[48:10] Should I bring my bag of toys with me?

[48:11] No.

[48:13] Bring your rectum and make sure it's thermometer-available.

[48:16] Okay, I'll get some baby wipes and clean it out.

[48:20] He's going to the vet.

[48:21] Anyway, Dan, you're saying?

[48:23] A little bit of improv comedy for you, Dan.

[48:26] We did that one for you.

[48:29] Sorry.

[48:30] Whose line is it anyway, guys?

[48:31] That's what that was.

[48:33] Give us another suggestion, Dan, so we can improv a scene off it.

[48:36] Okay.

[48:37] Well, this suggestion is titled boring.

[48:41] Oh, so they saw Battleship, too.

[48:43] Boom.

[48:44] Yeah.

[48:45] That's a high five for you guys.

[48:47] Take that to thousands of people who worked on Battleship.

[48:51] This one's from Joel, last name withheld, and he says,

[48:54] Hi, floppers.

[48:55] I've enjoyed listening to the podcast.

[48:57] I've observed that your final judgments can be boiled down to one criterion.

[49:01] If it's boring, it's bad.

[49:03] A movie can be ineptly plotted, insultingly directed, and the actors can be either wooden or Nick Cajian.

[49:10] And you guys will give it a pass or at least consider it.

[49:13] But if there's a moment of dullness in the approximately 82-minute running time, that's the kiss of death.

[49:18] This thing was 132 minutes.

[49:20] Not that I disagree.

[49:22] A boring movie usually does suck.

[49:23] I'm just pointing out that your final judgment is really, is this boring?

[49:27] Which leads me to my movie nerd question.

[49:30] Can you name some dull movies that you actually like?

[49:33] I'd hold up things like Bergman's Winter Light or The Passion of Joan of Arc

[49:37] as films that are objectively dull, but I like them a lot.

[49:40] On a wholly unrelated note, have any of you seen Tucker and Dale vs. Evil?

[49:43] A rare film that's a horror comedy satire that's genuinely funny.

[49:46] I'll answer the second question first.

[49:48] I saw that movie.

[49:50] Enjoyed it.

[49:51] Not quite as much as I would like, but it's solid.

[49:54] Because you really like to enjoy things.

[49:57] I like to enjoy things.

[49:58] Yeah, Dan hates to not enjoy stuff.

[50:00] He hates sighing.

[50:01] This podcast has taught us anything.

[50:04] It's how much I like to enjoy stuff.

[50:06] I haven't seen that yet, but I'd like to.

[50:08] It's on my Netflix queue.

[50:09] So dull movies, like what?

[50:11] Like Spaceballs?

[50:12] I think he's right.

[50:13] There are definitely dull movies that I like.

[50:14] I mean, I enjoy a lot of the Craymaster movies,

[50:17] which are deathly dull.

[50:18] Those are incredibly boring, but interesting.

[50:21] I mean, but that's the question.

[50:23] There's a difference between dull and slow,

[50:25] or dull and uneventful.

[50:28] There is, but those movies many times are boring.

[50:30] But there's a kind of boring movie that accumulates over time

[50:35] to the point where even if it's dull for a moment,

[50:38] the end result is you feel like you've experienced something.

[50:41] Tree of Life, for instance, was a movie I enjoyed a lot,

[50:44] and there were a lot of moments in it that I thought were incredibly powerful.

[50:47] But there were also moments that felt necessary to the movie that were very boring.

[50:51] And at the end of the movie, I felt like I had been through this experience,

[50:54] but there were definitely points during it where I found it dull.

[50:57] But dull for a reason.

[50:58] But then there are movies like Battleship, where it's both boring,

[51:01] and at the end of it, I have gained nothing.

[51:03] But, I mean, there's like a certain deliberateness to movies

[51:09] that doesn't necessarily mean dullness.

[51:11] Like it means that there are...

[51:12] No, yeah, but sometimes it means it's dull.

[51:14] Okay.

[51:15] I would argue, I guess, with the point of there's a slowness that can be, you know,

[51:24] it's not exciting, but you understand what the movie's doing,

[51:29] like why that is happening.

[51:31] Yeah.

[51:32] Like, I don't know, people talk about...

[51:34] Like dull versus deliberate?

[51:36] Yeah, exactly.

[51:37] You can't spell deliberate without dull.

[51:39] Deliberate.

[51:41] Like Tokyo Story by Ozu, for instance, is like an acknowledged classic

[51:45] that is a slow movie where not a lot happens in the traditional plot sense.

[51:51] I don't know, it's built up of incident.

[51:52] I guess that's true, but...

[51:54] Well, like he mentioned Passion of Joan of Arc, which I do not find dull at all.

[51:57] Like that's an exciting movie to me.

[51:59] This woman is in constant anxiety and trauma through the whole movie.

[52:04] And then, you know, she gets burned to death at the end.

[52:06] Spoiler alert, they don't save Joan of Arc at the end of the movie.

[52:09] Well, that's too bad.

[52:10] But I think that when we talk about dullness,

[52:12] often what we're talking about when we talk about dullness

[52:15] is we're watching a movie that is making no interesting choices throughout the film.

[52:20] Like it is making, at every step, the choice that we have seen in other movies before.

[52:27] Maybe, yeah. That's a factor to it.

[52:30] I mean, just taking Battleship today as a case study,

[52:37] the stuff we liked at the beginning we enjoyed just because it was unexpected.

[52:42] We did not expect there to be a lot about stealing a chicken burrito

[52:46] at the beginning of an intergalactic war movie.

[52:49] And then in the middle of the movie, it was just so much of explosions,

[52:52] and there was no reason to sympathize with any of the characters.

[52:56] Like nothing – there was only the most perfunctory personality building of all that.

[53:02] So it was just like, OK, well, this is one choice after another I've seen in alien invasion movies before.

[53:08] And maybe if I was watching this movie in 1930, I would be thrilled.

[53:12] But now it's dull.

[53:13] Well, you'd just be amazed the movie is in color.

[53:15] Yeah.

[53:16] All those special effects.

[53:17] You've just seen – 1930, King Kong isn't even out yet.

[53:20] 1930, you would be amazed that hip-hop R&B star Rihanna is starring in a movie.

[53:27] Really? She's moving into film, huh?

[53:29] Not that umbrella song?

[53:31] Umbrella, ella, ella, my umbrella.

[53:34] Yep, hit star Rihanna.

[53:36] That's my 1930s guy who's a fan of Rihanna.

[53:39] Oh, that's what you were doing. That makes sense.

[53:41] Yeah.

[53:42] She's my favorite Negress singer.

[53:44] It's the 30s. They're racist then.

[53:46] Yeah, now I'm uncomfortable.

[53:48] Yeah, I don't know. I like slow movies.

[53:51] But, yeah, I think you're right.

[53:53] There's a difference between slow and dull.

[53:55] I think there is, but sometimes movies are dull.

[53:58] And a lot of the ones we watch are dull.

[54:00] But the ones we watch are dull in a bad way, yeah.

[54:02] Yeah.

[54:03] Like Battleship is not necessarily a slow movie.

[54:06] There's always something happening.

[54:07] There's always something happening.

[54:08] The camera's always cutting.

[54:09] There's always explosions or guys giving one-liners.

[54:12] The soundtrack keeps changing.

[54:14] They play most of the song Thunderstruck, which is an exciting song.

[54:18] But it's put together in a boring way.

[54:21] But that's why I argue that dullness is actually an uninteresting choice being made.

[54:26] Like if we're seeing something new on screen, something that is not the typical.

[54:32] Like if someone acts unexpected and human.

[54:34] You've become desensitized to most things.

[54:36] Yeah, I have.

[54:37] I've seen so many movies that everything seems so diagrammatic.

[54:41] And dull to me means like, okay, this is just like fucking – this is a spare parts movie.

[54:46] They went to the junkyard of movies and they put together a bunch of pieces.

[54:50] I think I saw that when I watched Real Steel.

[54:52] I guess, but there's still movies that I've seen where they make not the choices I would expect, but it's still boring.

[54:59] Well, like Days of Heaven is a movie like that where it's the choice for most directors would be to focus on the story.

[55:08] Whereas his choice there is to pay as little attention to the plot of his movie as possible.

[55:12] The plot is still going on in the background, but he's not interested.

[55:15] And it's beautiful, but it's very boring.

[55:17] Whereas I would argue that Days of Heaven is not boring.

[55:19] No, I find it so boring.

[55:21] I like that movie.

[55:22] And I'm not a fan.

[55:23] Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[55:24] But it's a movie.

[55:26] Well, is it a movie?

[55:28] Days of Thunder?

[55:29] What?

[55:30] Let's move on in that case to our final – or not final judgments.

[55:33] We just did that.

[55:34] We all said great movie.

[55:35] We all loved it.

[55:36] We said it's our pick of the year.

[55:37] We said best picture, Battleship.

[55:40] Second runner-up, Norbit, again.

[55:43] Came out years ago.

[55:45] Well, we just keep voting for it, I guess.

[55:47] Number three, Meet Dave.

[55:49] And number four.

[55:50] A Thousand Words.

[55:51] A Thousand Words.

[55:52] Eddie Murphy has swept all over the top spot.

[55:54] This is the part of the podcast where we talk about movies that we've seen that we would recommend.

[56:01] That we genuinely liked.

[56:03] In some way.

[56:04] Stuart, what do you have to say for yourself?

[56:06] Bum, bum, bum.

[56:07] Well, the other day, guys, I was watching a movie about robots fighting.

[56:12] Was it called Robot Jocks?

[56:14] It was called Robot Jocks.

[56:15] I'm recommending Robot Jocks, everybody.

[56:17] Stuart Gordon's Robot Jocks.

[56:18] Wow.

[56:19] Amazing movie.

[56:20] Recommending Robot Jocks.

[56:21] Telegraph that one, Andy.

[56:22] Yeah.

[56:23] Okay.

[56:24] Go, Elliot.

[56:25] Wow.

[56:26] There's nothing you want to say about Robot Jocks?

[56:27] Do you know what I was saying?

[56:28] Why are you recommending Robot Jocks?

[56:29] You're so good about Robot Jocks other than robots fighting, which is a pretty convincing

[56:30] argument.

[56:31] Except we just saw a movie that, at its basic core, was people fighting robots.

[56:35] They were aliens, but they looked like robots.

[56:37] Yeah, but I didn't recommend that one.

[56:38] I'm recommending this one.

[56:39] They should take it on the strength of my recommendation alone.

[56:42] I mean, there's already been controversy.

[56:44] I've never lied to anybody, ever.

[56:45] There's been controversy about some of your recommendations.

[56:47] Okay, fine.

[56:48] Who gives a shit?

[56:49] Watch Castle Freak Day.

[56:50] Okay.

[56:51] So to summarize, watch one of two different Stuart Gordon movies.

[56:55] Either Robot Jocks, which was his big budget smash.

[56:59] Either Robert Jocks.

[57:01] Or Castle Freak.

[57:03] That was a non-big budget, non-smash.

[57:06] Yeah, Robot Jocks.

[57:07] Probably a bigger budget than he's used to working with.

[57:09] Yeah.

[57:10] As Elliot alluded to earlier in the podcast, we have been on the road for two weeks.

[57:17] Yep, just living life, chasing the American dream.

[57:20] No, not doing that.

[57:22] Just going through town, solving people's problems.

[57:24] Working for 12 hours a day.

[57:26] Like Quantum Leap?

[57:27] Yeah, like Quantum Leap.

[57:29] Like a lot of...

[57:30] Except you were traveling in space, not time.

[57:32] We were mostly being in hotels and then being in big rooms, cement rooms, writing, and then being back in hotels.

[57:40] Yeah, watching speeches by politicians.

[57:43] Yeah, so I haven't had a lot of chance to watch new movies.

[57:46] So this is going to be a qualified recommendation from me.

[57:50] A Dan, watch it on a plane if you have to recommendation?

[57:55] Wow, I think that's a fair thing to say.

[57:58] This is a movie I think would be better than having your nuts crushed by a sledgehammer.

[58:02] That's Dan's recommendation, Dan's seal of nut approval.

[58:05] I watched...

[58:07] If you had a choice between being blinded with a hot poker and watching this movie, consider the movie.

[58:11] Did that happen in The Mortals 2 or just The Nut Smash?

[58:13] Just The Nut Smash.

[58:14] Oh, okay.

[58:15] When I returned to Brooklyn, I watched a little movie called Piranha 2, colon, The Spawning.

[58:22] Okay.

[58:23] Which is a movie I've been curious about for a while, mainly because it's listed as James Cameron's, I think, earliest film.

[58:31] However, he was replaced from what I understand a week or two into filming by the producer of the movie.

[58:37] So I don't know how much of the film was actually directed by James Cameron.

[58:41] Is this his vision?

[58:42] Well, does anyone turn into liquid metal?

[58:44] No, but Lance Henriksen is in it.

[58:46] Okay.

[58:47] So at least the casting, I assume, was overseen by Mr. Jim Cameron himself.

[58:52] But this is a fun B-movie about flying piranha.

[58:56] Not only do they fly, they're not like flying fish, flying piranha.

[59:00] They're like hummingbirds.

[59:01] They can hover around people and chew off their neck.

[59:05] While hovering. That sounds awesome.

[59:07] Yeah.

[59:08] So it's set up like a classic disaster movie.

[59:11] You run into a bunch of goofy types who are at this resort community.

[59:19] And it's got Lance Henriksen, as I said, as a police chief.

[59:23] So he's not one of the piranhas.

[59:24] No.

[59:25] He's young.

[59:26] It would have been great if he was in a big piranha costume.

[59:28] They have a tiny piranha when there's another actor.

[59:31] But then they cut to close-ups of the piranha and clearly Lance Henriksen in the costume.

[59:34] I'm going to bite you.

[59:36] I'm a piranha.

[59:37] Jim Cameron's amazing at special effects, man.

[59:41] I'm sure he could make it work.

[59:42] He can do anything.

[59:43] He can make the man behind Millennium look like a piranha.

[59:46] It's weird to see.

[59:47] Not the man behind Millennium.

[59:48] The man on Millennium.

[59:50] Chris Carter was the man behind Millennium.

[59:52] It's weird to see a young Lance Henriksen and realize that while he looks younger, he never did not look weathered.

[1:00:00] As a young man, he was still a weathered...

[1:00:02] A boyhood accident.

[1:00:03] A boyhood accident at a glue factory and a tanning lamp.

[1:00:08] But there are some slow parts, but if you want a sleazy B-movie with flying piranhas

[1:00:14] that eat people on top of ladies wearing piranhas...

[1:00:16] Then really there's only one movie to see.

[1:00:18] Then watch Prontitude.

[1:00:19] You're qualifying it when you get to the point where if you want to see a movie with flying

[1:00:22] piranhas, there's only one movie.

[1:00:23] If you want to see a movie with Lance Anderson where he pilots a helicopter out in the middle

[1:00:29] of the ocean to save people from flying piranhas, then this is the one.

[1:00:33] Oh, no.

[1:00:34] See, I've seen you use this trick before.

[1:00:37] The trick of just describe the movie.

[1:00:39] If you want to see a movie where an aging Hollywood star hires a screenwriter for her

[1:00:45] big comeback and they become lovers and then she shoots him, Sunset Boulevard is the movie

[1:00:50] for you.

[1:00:51] Not Piranha...

[1:00:52] Piranha 2 The Spawning.

[1:00:53] Not Piranha 2 The Spawning.

[1:00:54] Or any other movie.

[1:00:55] That sounds like Piranha 2 The Spawning from what Dave just said.

[1:00:56] If you want to see a movie where a bunch of crazy guys in New York are busting ghosts,

[1:01:00] Piranha 2 The Movie is not the movie for you.

[1:01:03] You've got two options for that movie.

[1:01:05] We've got some solid recommendations, Alan.

[1:01:07] In conclusion, you guys are a bunch of assholes.

[1:01:09] In conclusion, I have a recommendation.

[1:01:12] I'll quickly recommend two movies I saw recently.

[1:01:15] This may still be in the theaters when you hear this, a movie called Premium Rush with

[1:01:19] Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

[1:01:20] Oh, yeah.

[1:01:21] I enjoyed that.

[1:01:22] It's a guy that gets his hands on an item that other people want and is being chased.

[1:01:27] Who's the guy who plays the cop?

[1:01:28] Michael Shannon.

[1:01:29] Michael Shannon plays a great...

[1:01:30] Crazy Face.

[1:01:31] Crazy Face Shannon plays the man who looks like Nick Flaherty.

[1:01:34] He's hilarious in Premium Rush.

[1:01:36] He's in a comedy role.

[1:01:37] He's very funny and it's a kind of low-scale, small-scale comedy, I would say not thriller

[1:01:44] but thrill ride.

[1:01:45] There's a lot of scenes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt like biking through traffic.

[1:01:49] Yeah, there's a lot of good chase scenes.

[1:01:52] It's a fun B comedy chase movie.

[1:01:54] I enjoyed it a lot and I recommend it.

[1:01:57] Here's my classic film recommendation to balance out Robot Jocks and Piranha 2 The Spawning

[1:02:02] is one of Claude Chabrol's early films, a thing called Les Bonnes Femmes, The Good Girls

[1:02:10] or The Good Time Girls and it is a very early French New Wave movie who is about a bunch

[1:02:16] of girls who work at a shop together and kind of each one is yearning in a different way

[1:02:21] for a more exciting life than they have.

[1:02:23] One sleeps around, one has stage dreams and another one is in love with a man from afar

[1:02:29] and the tone of the movie changes very quickly from scene to scene in a way that is sometimes

[1:02:35] disorienting like what and is sometimes very exciting and it goes to places you don't necessarily

[1:02:40] expect it to go to and there's a lot of just kind of very lively French New Wave characters

[1:02:46] experiencing a situation scenes and the girls in it, some are very cute and you see them

[1:02:50] in bathing suits in one scene.

[1:02:51] Oh, that's good.

[1:02:52] Yeah.

[1:02:53] So three recommendations for Battleship.

[1:02:54] No.

[1:02:55] I think all recommendations for Battleship and Les Bonnes Femmes.

[1:02:58] Hey, guys.

[1:02:59] What's up?

[1:03:00] It's been beautiful seeing you.

[1:03:01] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:02] We're all done, right?

[1:03:03] It's just been a treat.

[1:03:04] Yeah, I missed you guys.

[1:03:05] Before we leave, let's remind people again, September 19th, Williamsburg, Public Assembly,

[1:03:11] we're going to be doing a show with the I Love Bad Movie people.

[1:03:14] Maybe do some callback yucks.

[1:03:16] Some callback yucks.

[1:03:17] There'll be trivia contest questions.

[1:03:19] I thought you were going to say, before we leave, let's all promise to meet back here.

[1:03:23] Let's meet back here in one year on this date in the same place and do another podcast.

[1:03:28] Then we'll catch that kid.

[1:03:29] If we're not married by then.

[1:03:30] We'll catch that kid, bag that bird, all the things we wanted.

[1:03:32] All the callbacks.

[1:03:33] And we'll have a big announcement maybe for the next episode, possibly.

[1:03:38] All right.

[1:03:39] Meowvie.

[1:03:40] Just tease a little bit.

[1:03:42] Just give them a tease.

[1:03:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:03:44] Show them your bra strap.

[1:03:45] And until then, September 19th.

[1:03:46] It's amazing when I was a kid how hot a bra strap would make me, and now it does not have

[1:03:51] any effect on me.

[1:03:52] Yeah, you start pawing at the earth.

[1:03:53] I would turn into a Tex Avery wolf.

[1:03:57] Yeah.

[1:03:58] Now you would not believe the sick shit it takes to turn Elliot on.

[1:04:01] Exactly.

[1:04:02] Are you kidding?

[1:04:03] Come on.

[1:04:04] It's not even legal.

[1:04:05] All right.

[1:04:06] Well, on that creepy note.

[1:04:07] It's barely legal.

[1:04:08] Just barely.

[1:04:09] Let's sign this thing off.

[1:04:12] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:04:14] Yeah, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:04:17] Unless I'm legally culpable, I'm Elliot Cailin.

[1:04:20] Goodnight, everyone.

[1:04:21] Boom.

[1:04:22] You really lost energy there, Stuart.

[1:04:23] Yeah, it got me.

[1:04:24] The Bud Light got to me.

[1:04:25] I mean, come on.

[1:04:26] She can't help it.

[1:04:27] Check one for me.

[1:04:28] Check two for me.

[1:04:29] And this is for Stuart.

[1:04:30] Checkity check.

[1:04:31] Checkerino.

[1:04:32] Checks?

[1:04:33] Check Republic.

[1:04:47] Alright, well.

[1:04:48] Let's fucking get this shit underway.

[1:04:51] Yeah, let's do it to it.

[1:04:53] Glue it.

The Flop House: Episode #110 - Battleship

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