The Flop House: Episode #109 - Journey 2 The Mysterious Island

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Journey 2, The Mysterious Island.

[0:05] Probably the most faithful adaptation of any Jules Verne work ever.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse.

[0:38] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] Hey Dan, I'm Stuart.

[0:40] Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] Thanks for introducing us.

[0:42] Hey Stuart and Dan.

[0:43] I'm Elliot Kalin, your friend.

[0:44] So it's been a while, guys.

[0:45] It's good to meet you.

[0:46] It has not been a while.

[0:47] It's been, what, a couple of weeks?

[0:48] It's not been.

[0:49] We've actually been stacking these up quite a bit because here's a little peek behind

[0:50] the Flophouse curtain.

[0:51] We did a couple in a row.

[0:52] Oh, I'm not dressed.

[0:53] We did a couple in a row because Stuart was going to go off to Gen Con, the gaming convention.

[1:00] And because Dan and I will be heading to the RNC and DNC, the corruption conventions.

[1:07] Yeah.

[1:08] Ooh.

[1:09] Take that.

[1:10] Rage against the machine.

[1:11] Exactly.

[1:12] And so forth.

[1:13] So to ensure that you, the valued listener, doesn't get an interruption in their Flophouse

[1:19] service.

[1:20] You were about to say get an erection.

[1:22] Didn't you?

[1:23] Yeah.

[1:24] I mean, it's just a certain level of professionalism.

[1:25] I want to make sure that they do get erections.

[1:26] Oh, okay.

[1:27] On the regular.

[1:28] On the regular?

[1:29] On the regs.

[1:30] Is that a phrase that anyone has ever used?

[1:31] I think so.

[1:32] But yeah.

[1:33] So we've been doubling up.

[1:34] People expect professionalism when they tune into the Flophouse podcast.

[1:38] Oh, yeah.

[1:39] That's the watch word for our show.

[1:40] Yep.

[1:41] Professionalism.

[1:42] Yep.

[1:43] Just like that movie with Gene Renaud, the professionalism.

[1:46] It's Gene Renaud?

[1:47] Yeah.

[1:48] Gene's Renaud.

[1:50] After he named himself after his favorite pants.

[1:52] If you want amateur professionalism, tune into another podcast.

[1:56] Go somewhere else.

[1:58] I thought you were going to say, go suck an egg.

[2:01] Nope.

[2:02] Because I'm not a 100-year-old man.

[2:04] No, no.

[2:06] That was good stuff, though.

[2:07] I think you should keep it up.

[2:08] So just to recap.

[2:10] So to recap, Dan uses, in his everyday speech, the phrases, go suck an egg and on the regular.

[2:15] Well, we've learned a lot today.

[2:18] Thanks for listening.

[2:19] Good night, everybody.

[2:25] Now, for newish listeners, because I feel like we have a fair number recently.

[2:29] We've been picking up listeners like a snowball rolling down a hill.

[2:32] They pick up listeners?

[2:33] Snowballs?

[2:34] Well, they pick up snow.

[2:35] I mean, they're probably listeners, unless they roll over like it's a deaf person hill or something.

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:41] All right.

[2:42] Fair enough.

[2:43] I take it back.

[2:44] That's a thing, right?

[2:45] Deaf people hills?

[2:46] Yeah.

[2:47] Deaf people, yeah.

[2:48] This is a podcast where three guys take a look at a movie, a movie that was a critical or a financial flop.

[2:54] Take a look at a movie.

[2:55] We watch it.

[2:56] We watch it from front to back.

[2:58] Never back to front.

[3:00] We do not glance at the DVD cover and toss it out the window.

[3:02] We don't just glimpse.

[3:03] We don't just flip through the stills.

[3:05] We watch a whole movie.

[3:07] We watch it, and we listen to it, because many of these movies use sound as an element.

[3:11] Yeah, a critical or a commercial flop, and then we talk about it afterwards on the air.

[3:14] Yes.

[3:15] Which is what we're doing now.

[3:16] And tonight we do it in a house, so it's a flop in a house.

[3:20] No, I don't think that's actually this.

[3:22] Yeah, that's where the title comes from.

[3:24] Okay.

[3:25] Tonight we watched a little movie called Journey 2, The Mysterious Island.

[3:30] Now wait, Dan, do you mean Journey 2, colon, The Mysterious Island?

[3:34] I don't think there's a colon.

[3:35] No, there isn't.

[3:36] I wanted Dan to say no.

[3:37] I mean Journey numeral 2, The Mysterious Island.

[3:41] So you're saying...

[3:42] I don't mean Journey T-O, The Mysterious Island.

[3:45] So you're saying that this is the second flop house movie we've watched

[3:49] that is a sequel that uses the number 2 instead of the word 2 in the middle of the title.

[3:55] Yeah, that seems odd.

[3:56] Wait, was that the Twilight movie we watched?

[3:58] No, Step Up 2, The Streets.

[4:00] Oh, right, right, right.

[4:01] Not Twilight 2, The Moon.

[4:03] You're saying unlike, say, Teen Wolf 2.

[4:06] T-O-O.

[4:07] Yeah.

[4:08] Or Look Who's Talking 2, T-O-O.

[4:09] That's an extra Teen Wolf.

[4:11] Yeah.

[4:12] Although Journey 2, The Mysterious Island wouldn't work as well.

[4:15] No, it wouldn't at all.

[4:16] It doesn't make sense, but it's indicating to the viewers who are big fans of Journey 1

[4:21] that this is the second movie in the series.

[4:24] Or just fans of the band Journey.

[4:26] Oh, they finally made a Journey movie.

[4:28] They're indicating two things.

[4:29] Number 1, this is a sequel.

[4:31] Yes.

[4:32] Number 2, and this one, they're not going to the center of the earth.

[4:36] Which is the first movie.

[4:37] They're going to numeral 2, The Mysterious Island.

[4:40] So that this movie is investigating a different Jules Verne book.

[4:43] Yeah.

[4:44] So luckily, the rest of the movie was way better than the cool title naming convention, right?

[4:49] In a way, but we'll get to that.

[4:51] I mean, I think it's worth noting, though, you said that it's based on a Jules Verne book.

[4:56] The weird thing is this is based on a Jules Verne book that is a sequel to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

[5:01] It's not a sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth.

[5:04] That's true.

[5:05] So they're mixing and matching Jules Verne.

[5:07] Well, the original Mysterious Island, the book, also didn't have Luis Guzman as a goofy helicopter pilot.

[5:13] Fair enough.

[5:14] Or The Rock getting berries flicked at his pecs.

[5:16] We'll get there.

[5:17] They took a lot of liberties with the established material.

[5:20] Don't make the mistake that this movie made and get rid of all the best material up front.

[5:25] Should we talk about what happened in this movie?

[5:27] Yeah, let's discuss the plot a little bit.

[5:28] Okay, now I haven't seen the original Journey to the Center of the Earth, but I assume...

[5:32] They go to the fucking center of the earth and come back, probably.

[5:34] It's about a kid and Brendan Fraser and they go to the center of the earth.

[5:37] Yeah.

[5:38] In this one, the kid is back.

[5:39] Brendan Fraser's not.

[5:40] And the kid...

[5:41] Brendan Fraser's busy making furry vengeance.

[5:43] Making furry vengeance and having cameos in the G.I. Joe movies.

[5:46] Yeah, perfect.

[5:47] The kid in this, who you may recognize as PETA from the Hunger Games movie,

[5:51] is this irritating teen kid who intercepts a secret transmission in code that his stepdad, The Rock,

[6:00] not a rock, but Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

[6:03] The Rock.

[6:04] The Rock.

[6:05] Who doesn't go by the name The Rock anymore, but just by his real name, Dwayne Johnson.

[6:08] Who Dwayne Johnson, his stepfather, decodes.

[6:10] Apparently, this message says that the book The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne is actually true.

[6:17] And Vernians, which the kid considers himself one of and which exists in this world, I guess,

[6:22] believe the island was real.

[6:24] You know people who subscribe to Vern Beat, Vern Fancy, all the top Jules Verne magazines.

[6:28] Yeah, Tiger Verne.

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:30] Popular Vernanics.

[6:31] With the decline of the print industry, there wouldn't be as many Vern magazines.

[6:35] Vern is keeping that whole thing alive.

[6:37] GV, that's Gentleman's Vernically.

[6:39] Vernopolitan.

[6:40] Yeah, play Vern.

[6:41] I'm trying to think of a good Ernest-based joke.

[6:43] You guys might have to help me work on that.

[6:45] Sports Vernistrated.

[6:46] No, well, that's the thing.

[6:47] In the Ernest movies, when he would say, know what I mean, Vern, he was talking to Jules Verne.

[6:51] No kidding.

[6:52] Because Jules Verne predicted so much in his literature that Ernest assumed that Jules Verne

[6:56] had predicted his different adventures, going to jail, camp, scaring stupid, that kind of thing.

[7:00] It turned out that Jules Verne did know what he meant.

[7:02] Well, only because he did write a book called Journey to the Saving of Christmas.

[7:07] Yeah.

[7:08] So anyway, the message tells him that this island is the same island that inspired Treasure Island

[7:16] and Gulliver's Travels.

[7:18] And using information in those books, by which I mean a drawing that's on the front page of each of those books,

[7:23] they construct a map with coordinates of where the mysterious island is.

[7:28] Yeah, it's basically Goonies, right?

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:30] It's not basically Goonies.

[7:32] Goonies didn't invent finding a treasure map and then going to find the treasure.

[7:35] Well, and Goonies, didn't they have like a light box in their attic?

[7:39] I was bothered by the idea that like...

[7:42] To make a map?

[7:43] Didn't they find a map or something?

[7:45] Were we to believe that these were first editions of all three of these major works in literature?

[7:51] I assume so.

[7:52] I mean, that's the real treasure, isn't it?

[7:55] Why do they have to go find a fucking golden volcano?

[7:58] He rips out the maps and like overlays them in all three cases.

[8:02] And I'm like, so either these are first editions or we live in a world where like the map has,

[8:07] like the fake-ass map for this fake-ass place is the same in every book.

[8:11] Well, also because those books all came out at wildly varying times.

[8:15] Yeah.

[8:16] It's like the beginning of In the Mouth of Madness.

[8:19] In the Mouth of Madness when he rips the covers.

[8:21] But in each of those, Sutter Cain, the horror novelist, has designed the covers for his own books.

[8:26] And those could all be paperback first editions.

[8:28] That's a contemporary author.

[8:30] But this kid somehow has first editions of Treasure Island, Journey to the Mysterious Island.

[8:38] I'm getting my television set up.

[8:39] That's not the name of the title.

[8:40] No, it's just the Mysterious Island.

[8:41] And also Gulliver's Travels, which, correct me if I'm wrong, is way older than either of the other two books.

[8:45] Yeah, I think you're right on that.

[8:48] So Jonathan Swift was like, I'll just put part of this map here.

[8:51] And hopefully my brothers of the written word will pick up the mantle and carry my torch so that someday some whiny kid

[8:58] and his wrestler stepfather can go to this island because that's what they do.

[9:03] They go to Palau, which is the closest place to the island,

[9:06] and take up with helicopter pilot Luis Guzman and his sexy daughter, Vanessa Hudgens, who the kid is.

[9:14] We needed a character like that to show up at that exact moment.

[9:17] A character like what, a goofy character or a sexy character?

[9:20] Or both?

[9:21] A little bit of both.

[9:22] A Guzman-Hudgens type character.

[9:26] A Gudgens.

[9:27] I like to think that Luis Guzman is actually Gooseman.

[9:30] He's bitten by a goose and he has goose powers now.

[9:34] So they go in the helicopter.

[9:36] They fly right into a storm.

[9:38] The helicopter gets torn apart and they land on the shores of the Mysterious Island.

[9:43] Seems kind of boring initially, right?

[9:45] A little bit. It's just this rocky shoreline.

[9:47] Then they travel through a cave.

[9:49] But I mean they're alive.

[9:50] They are alive, yeah.

[9:51] That's pretty good.

[9:52] They crash their helicopter.

[9:53] Crash their helicopter in the middle of a hurricane.

[9:55] And they seem none the worse for wear.

[9:58] It's a movie.

[9:59] It's a miracle.

[10:00] I mean, God is obviously watching over them.

[10:02] That's the hidden message of Journey to the Mysterious Island.

[10:05] Have you heard the good news, by the way?

[10:07] Have you heard the good news?

[10:08] The Mysterious Island is real.

[10:10] The gospel according to Michael Caine's character,

[10:12] who shows up soon afterwards.

[10:14] They're walking through a cave

[10:17] and they enter on a verdant paradise.

[10:19] Waterfalls, tropical trees and whatnot,

[10:22] and also giant butterflies and tiny elephants,

[10:24] which gives the movie the title I gave it,

[10:27] Wrong Size Animals, the movie.

[10:30] Wrong Size Animals, colon, the movie,

[10:33] based on a true story.

[10:34] Yeah, of course.

[10:35] Just like Hot Dog, the movie.

[10:37] They put the movie at the end of the title.

[10:39] Oh, I thought it because it was based on a true story.

[10:41] Well, no, you'd look up at the marquee

[10:42] and you'd say, Wrong Size Animals.

[10:43] I wanna see this exhibit.

[10:44] No, it's a movie.

[10:46] But there are tiny elephants that you see for like a minute.

[10:49] The rock literally picks one up, they taunt it,

[10:51] and then he puts it back down again.

[10:54] So.

[10:55] Oh, they taunt it.

[10:56] And then Luis Guzman talks about how he wants to

[10:58] keep it and knit it a trunk warmer.

[11:00] That's true.

[11:00] That's the only animal that is normally large

[11:03] and is small in the movie, right?

[11:05] No, there's tiny sharks at one point.

[11:07] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[11:09] And the elephants were so much cuter.

[11:11] That's true, that's true.

[11:12] Well, they got trunks and everything.

[11:13] Okay, so we all agree on that, right?

[11:15] Yeah, the elephants were the cutest thing in the movie.

[11:17] Tiny elephant.

[11:18] Tiny elephant is amazingly cute.

[11:19] Goose flesh.

[11:20] Yeah, it goes tiny elephant, Luis Guzman,

[11:22] Vanessa Hudgens, and I guess Michael Caine?

[11:25] Yeah.

[11:26] In order of cuteness.

[11:27] Sure.

[11:28] Not necessarily attractiveness, just cuteness.

[11:29] Cuteness.

[11:30] Adorability.

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:31] So, they're walking through the forest.

[11:33] Uh-oh, they stumble on a field of giant eggs,

[11:36] giant lizard eggs, and there's the giant lizard.

[11:38] Ah, it's chasing him around, it's chasing him around.

[11:41] And then a giant.

[11:43] Were we supposed to throw in sound effects there?

[11:44] I mean, Dan, if you could add those in after the fact.

[11:47] Crash, chain mail.

[11:48] Lizard sounds.

[11:49] Crash, crash, crash.

[11:50] Running, running, scared.

[11:53] That's sound effects, right?

[11:54] When you just say what's happening.

[11:55] And then a giant log on vines swings by

[11:58] and hits the lizard, a la the Ewoks.

[12:02] It was a trap set up by Michael Caine,

[12:05] the boy's grandfather, who sent them the original message

[12:08] to draw them to the mysterious island.

[12:10] It seems he's a Vernian, too, and he discovered this island

[12:13] and wanted to lure his son there, I assume, to kill him?

[12:16] I don't know.

[12:17] Or his grandson.

[12:19] And I did it in code for some bullshit reason.

[12:23] Thank you.

[12:24] Man, how long have we been doing this

[12:26] and we just did Michael Caine?

[12:27] Still, only now broke out the Morris Micklewhite.

[12:30] Takes so much out of me, Stuart.

[12:33] Yeah, you only have so much Michael Caine inside you.

[12:36] And when I lose it all, I die.

[12:38] It's just like a thousand Michael Caines,

[12:39] the Eddie Murphy movie.

[12:43] There's a bunch of tiny Caines.

[12:45] So Michael Caine tells them it's gonna be another two weeks

[12:48] until the communication satellite is in a place

[12:51] where we can send another message.

[12:54] Let's explore this island.

[12:54] But then they find the ruins of Atlantis.

[12:56] It's very exciting.

[12:57] But uh-oh.

[12:58] For like two minutes, it's exciting.

[13:01] Because then the rock notices that salt water

[13:03] is leaching up through the soil.

[13:04] Turns out this island is sinking.

[13:06] Michael Caine says, don't worry, it sinks all the time.

[13:09] We have 14 years until it sinks.

[13:10] And doing an amazing amount of mental math,

[13:13] the rock says, nuh-uh, we've got a couple days at the most.

[13:17] We've gotta get off this MFN island.

[13:19] He doesn't say MFN, but.

[13:20] Yeah, but it's implied.

[13:23] And it's around.

[13:24] Look at his posture.

[13:25] It's around here when they're exploring

[13:26] and getting somewhere that maybe the best scene

[13:31] in the movie takes place where the rock says,

[13:34] hey, stepson, I know you've got a crush

[13:37] on Vanessa Hudgens.

[13:38] You are not.

[13:39] That much is clear.

[13:40] You are not sealing the deal with her.

[13:41] Here's how you do it.

[13:42] You have to make your pecs dance up and down.

[13:45] And he does that for like 30 minutes.

[13:47] You just see his pecs dancing.

[13:48] And then he says, flick a berry at me.

[13:50] Come on.

[13:51] And the berries bounce off of him and at the viewer,

[13:53] because this movie was originally shown in 3D.

[13:55] But he has to really push his stepson

[13:57] to flick one berry at him.

[13:59] And like finally he caves in.

[14:01] Yeah, and that's what's great.

[14:02] Like the screenwriters at this point,

[14:05] they're like, okay, we have this great joke.

[14:07] Let's start, let's work it.

[14:08] Let's work the audience a little bit.

[14:10] We got a berry flying at us.

[14:12] And then what happens, Dan?

[14:13] Well, the great thing is he is so,

[14:15] like the stepson is so.

[14:18] Let's just give him a name.

[14:19] I think his name is Alex.

[14:21] Seth, okay.

[14:22] Really?

[14:23] He is so embarrassed by this whole pectoral dance.

[14:26] He does not want to flick a berry.

[14:27] And then into the scene,

[14:29] he shuffles Louis Guzman.

[14:31] His name was Sean.

[14:32] Sorry.

[14:33] That's okay.

[14:34] We were both wrong.

[14:34] Into the scene, shuffles Louis Guzman.

[14:36] Who's like, I'll flick berries at you.

[14:39] He cannot be more excited.

[14:40] And grabs a whole handful.

[14:42] And just throws them.

[14:42] And Dwayne Johnson is like, yeah, go for it.

[14:45] Do it.

[14:46] Go.

[14:47] They're bouncing all over the place.

[14:47] They're bouncing here.

[14:48] They're bouncing there.

[14:49] And then Suzman bounces back into Louis Guzman's mouth.

[14:52] It is the most weirdly subtextual homoerotic scene

[14:56] I've seen in a children's movie in a long time.

[14:58] This is not counting later on when they both,

[15:00] they both ride someplace on a giant bee.

[15:02] And Louis Guzman says, can I ride with you?

[15:04] And the Rock looks a little exasperated,

[15:07] but a little excited about it.

[15:07] And then he grins.

[15:09] The naked enthusiasm at this man on man relationship

[15:12] is almost, it's infectious.

[15:15] I mean, Suzman really brings his A game to this movie.

[15:17] He is all energy, all the time.

[15:20] Constantly selling, even lines like,

[15:24] when a lizard is about to eat them.

[15:25] And he says, I hope it likes food

[15:26] that just pooped in its pants.

[15:28] Even that, he sells.

[15:30] He is a professional.

[15:31] Bravo to you.

[15:32] Bravo to you, Mr. Guzman.

[15:33] I think he at all times seems like a living teddy bear.

[15:36] And even him, none more so than in this movie.

[15:38] He's gooby, basically, is what you're saying.

[15:40] For about 15 minutes of the movie,

[15:41] he's riding on the back of that bee

[15:43] with giant bird shit all over him.

[15:46] He could not be happier.

[15:48] Yeah, exactly.

[15:48] Okay, so let's get to the bee part, huh?

[15:51] There's a giant volcano that spits gold.

[15:53] Let's not get into that.

[15:56] There's a volcano that spits gold.

[15:59] A volcano that spits gold.

[16:01] Let's not get into that.

[16:03] They've got to get to the top of a mountain

[16:04] so they can get across the island to find the Nautilus,

[16:08] Captain Nemo's famous submarine.

[16:10] Cause that's the only way they're gonna be able

[16:11] to escape from this island.

[16:12] This mysterious island, if you will.

[16:14] I mean, if it sinks, why don't they just swim away?

[16:16] Because they're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

[16:18] Yeah, hundreds of miles from Palau.

[16:20] So they would die.

[16:22] Okay, no, you're right.

[16:23] Okay, just wanted to let make sure you knew

[16:24] that people can't see.

[16:25] Why don't they ride on one of those giant bees?

[16:27] Even the bee probably wouldn't go that far.

[16:28] Bees can only survive on the mysterious island.

[16:30] And okay, so they've got to get to the top of this mountain.

[16:33] How are they gonna do it?

[16:34] Topless?

[16:35] They've got to get to the top of topless mountain.

[16:38] That's great.

[16:39] The thing is the mountain has winds that whip around it

[16:41] that tear the shirts off people's backs.

[16:44] They've only sent expeditions of busty bikini clad women

[16:46] up this mountain.

[16:47] Very sexy expeditions.

[16:48] Some might call it a great bikini off-road adventure,

[16:51] but not the great bikini off-road adventure.

[16:54] To save some kind of a rec center or some kind of a...

[16:56] It's a rec center and a dude ranch and a car wash.

[17:00] All in one.

[17:01] And I think it might be a school

[17:02] for special needs children too.

[17:03] Anyway, so any who, as I should say.

[17:06] Sure, thanks.

[17:07] They say, how are we gonna get to the top of this mountain?

[17:08] We're gonna fly up.

[17:09] And Michael Caine goes,

[17:10] I knew you were good for something to Dwayne Johnson

[17:12] because he's been ragging on Dwayne this whole movie.

[17:15] Of course.

[17:16] And suddenly Michael Caine is on top of a giant bee

[17:18] just flying around, laughing like a madman,

[17:21] like a drunk Santa Claus at a mall.

[17:23] Just like laughing his fool head off.

[17:25] Suddenly they're all riding giant bees,

[17:27] steering them somehow.

[17:29] You yank on the back of their bee heads.

[17:31] I guess so.

[17:33] You got one antenna in both hands, each hand.

[17:37] The left antenna to go left.

[17:39] I don't think that's how bees work.

[17:40] Does the other thing.

[17:42] Listeners, go to your backyard, catch a bee,

[17:45] start yanking on its antennas and tell us what happens.

[17:50] Just tell us.

[17:51] Yeah, just do it.

[17:51] Just tell, or videotape it, I guess.

[17:53] So they're flying giant bees around,

[17:55] but what eats giant bees?

[17:56] Giant birds.

[17:58] So the birds chasing after them.

[17:59] The giant birds and the bees.

[18:02] You have your parents talk to you about it.

[18:04] Your giant parents.

[18:05] Don't you have the giant birds and the giant bees.

[18:08] So they're flying around.

[18:10] It's all this high-tech stunting

[18:12] where they've got to use evasive action

[18:14] to get away from these birds.

[18:15] The bees steer amazingly well.

[18:17] They handle like a dream.

[18:19] And at one point, to get these birds off their backs.

[18:22] To put you in one of these giant bee cages.

[18:23] Basically, imagine it's the speeder bike chase.

[18:26] The pollen undercoating, they put that in the factory.

[18:28] We can't take that out.

[18:29] Basically, just imagine the speeder bike chase

[18:31] from, what is that, Return of the Jedi?

[18:34] But instead of speeder bikes, swap in bees.

[18:38] And birds.

[18:39] Well, yeah, birds instead of stormtroopers, duh.

[18:41] It was just like that hit movie,

[18:43] Bag That Bird, AKA Catch That Kid.

[18:46] Because let me tell you,

[18:47] the birds wanted to catch that kid,

[18:48] and the kid wanted to bag that bird.

[18:50] And by bag, I mean escape from.

[18:52] So they were chasing each other, flying around.

[18:55] And my favorite part of it is that

[18:58] Michael Caine and Dwayne Johnson have a plan.

[19:01] They're going to play chicken, zooming towards each other,

[19:04] and then steer out at the last minute

[19:06] and let the birds chasing them hit their heads.

[19:08] And they're flying at each other, going, ah!

[19:10] And then the bees put on a sudden burst of speed

[19:13] and then get out of the way, and the birds hit each other.

[19:15] And it's like, so what?

[19:17] Did they just turn on the nitro boosters on the bees?

[19:20] Did the bees fart and go much faster?

[19:22] How did that happen?

[19:23] Probably sort of.

[19:23] The two birds explode in a cascade of feathers.

[19:26] They don't explode with flames.

[19:27] Yeah, but there's all these feathers,

[19:30] and the bee zooms out of that with Michael Caine on the back.

[19:34] And I think that was when my wife walked into the room,

[19:36] and I was like, what is going on?

[19:39] Let me tell you, I'm sure we've all had the same.

[19:41] And what was going on was three grown men

[19:43] sitting on couches, giving each other high fives.

[19:46] And the image of an overjoyed Michael Caine,

[19:50] laughing like crazy at the back of a bee

[19:52] as he flew through a cloud of feathers.

[19:54] I tell you, sometimes movies are magical.

[19:58] That's why, you ask why the.

[20:00] Lumiere brothers invented the booby camera. It is for that. So

[20:04] Melies wishes he had he had created this scene. Let me tell

[20:08] you. So anyway, they long story short, they get split up. Luis

[20:14] Guzman runs off on his own to look for gold because he wants

[20:17] to be able to send his daughter to college. Well, Dwayne and

[20:20] Sean are going to get the Nautilus and they got to swim

[20:23] underwater. There's a giant electric eel. They use that to

[20:25] repower the Nautilus. Uh oh, the island is crumbling and

[20:30] collapsing. Are they going to be able to get to the other heroes

[20:32] in time? Probably not. They do. Okay. And oh, thank God. And

[20:37] they and they all escape and that's pretty much it. Guzman

[20:41] keeps the Nautilus and becomes a rich tour guide leader. Does

[20:45] our young hero, does he get to keep his girlfriend? Vanessa

[20:49] Hudgens is now his girlfriend. She's moved all the way to the

[20:53] to go to college and be with him. And on his birthday, I guess

[20:57] he gets, he gets a letter in the mail from, uh, where's it from?

[21:01] Cameroon? And he's like, a letter from Cameroon? Who could

[21:04] this be? Oh, it's my grandpa. It's like, yeah, fuck. Of course

[21:07] it's your grandpa. Like he's your weird, weird world explorer

[21:11] grandpa. Who else do you know is gonna be Cameroon? Anyway. So,

[21:14] and then suddenly, maybe it's a letter from like a Cameroon

[21:18] prince asking for his bank info. Then third best moment in the

[21:23] movie after Barry's flicked at Dwayne Johnson's pecs and

[21:26] riding a giant bee through a cloud of feathers. Third best

[21:29] moment, Michael Caine walks in, duded up like a leather bike

[21:32] rider. Yeah. Imagine Rob Halford in like 40 years. But like in

[21:38] better shape than Rob Halford. The third like homoerotic moment

[21:41] in the movie too. Cause it was not like a leather bike rider. I

[21:43] mean, he was like a leather daddy. Like he was like an

[21:45] elderly. He was wearing a helmet. I mean, he had a little

[21:49] little cap on. Yeah. Like a little fucking strap. He wasn't

[21:53] wearing, he wasn't wearing like chaps. It wasn't like he, like

[21:58] we'd walked into that stereotypical gay bar in the

[22:00] police Academy movies is what you're saying. No, not really.

[22:05] That was a gay bar? That was terrible. I just thought that

[22:08] was a mustache club. Homophobia. I think that was, well, that

[22:13] was the scene that was originally meant for cruising.

[22:15] But it somehow got into the script for police Academy. Oh,

[22:18] but anyway, so he says, I'll go to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah

[22:22] in his voice, Dan, you do better. But he's like, oh, are

[22:24] you ready for another adventure? Because guess where we're going?

[22:27] And he holds up Jules Verne's from the earth to the moon.

[22:30] That's right. They're going to go to the moon. He said, we'll go

[22:33] into the motherfucking moon. That's what, that's why he said

[22:36] it. But without the swear word. Hot guitar lick. Kristen

[22:41] Stewart does a, wait, is that her name? What's her name?

[22:44] Kristen Davis. Kristen Davis. Yeah. From Sex and the City

[22:48] plays Sean's mom. So she then does like a spit take or

[22:51] something. She's like, uh, no way. And Dwayne Johnson goes,

[22:55] come on. It's just the moon camera zooms back out of the

[22:58] house, zooms back out of the continent, zooms back out of

[23:00] the planet, whips around the moon. We see the moon is there.

[23:04] Which is that's supposed to be a reveal. The existence of the

[23:09] moon is confirmed. And that's the end of the movie. And so I

[23:12] guess journey three, the moon is going to be the sequel. They

[23:16] have greenlit a sequel where I assume they go to them. Yeah.

[23:19] Where they assume they'll either go to the moon or maybe they'll

[23:24] just go around the world in 80 days, which seems like kind of

[23:27] a letdown.

[23:29] Yeah. I mean, they could, you could do that super easy. Just

[23:32] get on a plane.

[23:32] Yeah. But, uh, they're going to go to them with the, here's the

[23:35] thing.

[23:36] I feel like they can modernize journey to the center of the

[23:39] earth. They can modernize the mysterious island. If they

[23:43] modernize from the earth to the moon, they're just going to go

[23:45] to the moon. And they're like, there was a bunch of gray dust

[23:47] up there.

[23:48] Yeah. Not, uh, not bug aliens that they can frolic with.

[23:52] It should be, it should be oversized animals though. Right?

[23:56] Uh, if they, if they go to the moon and it turns out on the

[23:58] moon, animals that are normally big on earth are bigger and

[24:01] animals that are normally small on earth are smaller. So like

[24:05] turtles are the size of beetles and elephants are the size of

[24:08] skyscrapers.

[24:09] Okay. I mean, that's pretty great. I gotta say.

[24:12] Yeah. Also, uh, for some reason, sex is better on the moon. I

[24:16] don't know if they're going to talk about that. But it's a

[24:18] waitlist thing. And yeah, yeah. It's a waitlist thing. It's very

[24:23] hard to get into the moon. You, and you have a lot of sex on the

[24:29] moon. You may have a lot of, you may have a lot of

[24:32] extracurriculars. You may be a legacy. You're still going to

[24:34] get waitlisted because a lot of people want to have that moon

[24:36] sex. Look, maybe you got straight A's. Straight A's. You

[24:40] can be the valedictorian. There's a, it's a lot of

[24:43] competition. You know, you're better off going to a safety

[24:45] moon for safety sex. Just better chances. Just play the numbers.

[24:51] So wait, so is this like a weird like college sex comedy?

[24:55] Yeah, on the moon. It's called moon you. Get it? Because it's

[24:59] like they're mooning you, but also moon university.

[25:01] When you're having this moon sex, are you in some sort of

[25:04] like dual like space suit that covers both of you at the same

[25:08] time? Or you're on a moon base. You can't have sex on the

[25:13] surface of the moon. Actually, you can. They're called fun

[25:15] suits. But you know, that's what I would imagine. I would

[25:17] imagine a little flap. I imagine. Yeah, it's called moon

[25:20] you and the tagline is in space. No one can hear you come.

[25:24] And the lack of air kind of intensifies the organs. Oh,

[25:27] yeah. I mean, it's like you mean you don't strangle yourself.

[25:30] It's auto moonrock.

[25:33] Yeah, so that was gross. But I the in the book, I'm kind of

[25:38] curious to see how they would do it. Because in the book from

[25:40] the earth to the moon, they put a giant bullet shell inside of

[25:44] an enormous gun and fired at the moon. And I hate to break it to

[25:48] you guys. That's not a feasible way in these modern times of

[25:50] getting to the moon. So how do they get? They just kind of get

[25:55] back in and fall. Okay, I don't remember if they set off an

[25:58] explosion on the moon, I think the bullet just kind of falls

[26:00] back to earth. That sounds pretty good. That works. Yeah,

[26:03] that's science. So we watched this long movie now wasn't that

[26:08] long? It was originally an hour and 34 minutes. It was

[26:11] originally presented in all three dimensions. Do you feel we

[26:13] lost anything watching it in only two? Well, I hate to be a

[26:16] pedant. But we did watch it in three dimensions, with height

[26:21] and time. Okay, just because we didn't have the dimension of

[26:23] depth does not mean it was not a three dimensional movie. If

[26:25] anything, it should have been Journey to the Mysterious Island

[26:29] 4D. Okay, well, pardon me for a second while I drown Elliot in

[26:34] the tub. In what? He's got a he's got a cloth with a bathtub

[26:39] over there. Yeah, at least it's a classy bathtub we drown in.

[26:43] But yeah, this was originally a 3D movie. What we missed out on

[26:46] was a helicopter flying at our face, berries bouncing off of

[26:49] the rock's chest, bouncing in our face, a lizard jumping in

[26:53] our face, birds and bees flying in our face, that kind of stuff.

[26:58] A zoom in on the moon, perhaps? Yeah, although I don't know how

[27:01] that would work so well exactly in 3D because it's not like the

[27:03] moon is flying at your face is what would happen. That's how it

[27:06] would work. I also imagine a lot of the 3D was devoted to Vanessa

[27:10] Hutchinson's cleavage. I don't think so. The big part of this

[27:13] movie. I don't think really that it's a big part of the movie.

[27:16] It is a big part of this movie. If anything, it's the fact that

[27:18] she wears her shorts really low. Yeah, you kept pointing out

[27:21] those weird lines.

[27:25] You had a horrific, disgusting name for those lines. I just

[27:28] called them pelvic.

[27:29] I think it is a valid observation to say that this is

[27:33] a modern family film. And one thing that you don't normally

[27:37] get in a modern family film is the movie version of the TV show

[27:40] Modern Family. That sounds fucking great.

[27:44] A story that's big enough for whatever that family is that I

[27:47] can't remember their name.

[27:48] It's a family film made in our prudish age that has like our

[27:53] prudish, vivid video advertising on billboards in the public

[27:57] age.

[27:57] Like I feel like either things are pornography or they're

[28:00] scrubbed.

[28:00] No, you're right. Because for instance, when they do remakes

[28:03] of older movies, now they clean them up. The remake of Fame,

[28:07] they cleaned it up considerably. The remake of Straw Dogs,

[28:09] which is not a kid's movie, but they still cleaned it up

[28:11] considerably.

[28:12] And this is like a straight family film. And Vanessa

[28:15] Hudgens is wearing a noticeably like low cut top and tiny shorts

[28:19] through the entire thing. And I feel like the camera lingers on

[28:22] that.

[28:22] It's innocent, sexy. It's like a Frank Tashlin film.

[28:24] Yeah, sure. And I think I think the ladies get some too, dude.

[28:28] Dwayne Johnson is flexing his pecs a lot.

[28:32] And at least Guzman, you got you got both worlds. You got you

[28:35] got the hunky teddy bear. You got the cuddly teddy bear

[28:38] genius. I don't think he was a genius. He's a genius. No, he

[28:43] thought gold would be worth a lot of money. And then it's

[28:48] genius. Something everyone knows.

[28:50] Yeah, he doesn't even get the gold. He's rich because of the

[28:52] Nautilus tour. Yeah. Okay, the Nautilus that he didn't, he

[28:56] didn't find right now.

[28:57] Well, no, I don't know why he got to keep it.

[29:00] Because he was so good at driving it.

[29:01] But he almost killed them.

[29:02] It's like, you know, a submarine chooses its owner.

[29:06] It is like a magic sword.

[29:09] Exactly.

[29:10] So the Nautilus is like the sword in the stone.

[29:12] Exactly.

[29:13] One thing I'll mention that's not really related to the movie

[29:16] is that during the making, during the watching of this

[29:18] film, let's say the making of this film, during the watching,

[29:20] I came up with a term to describe Ewoks that I liked,

[29:24] which was teddy bear cavemen.

[29:28] You did come up with that. So listeners, write that down.

[29:33] Years when people are always using that phrase.

[29:35] You know, I invented it. And I'll get a shiny nickel every

[29:38] time.

[29:40] Yeah, so this is a pretty, this was a pretty colorful,

[29:44] cartoony movie that moved really fast, I got to say, until

[29:48] the end, the ending, it got kind of boring.

[29:49] Yeah, well, there's a little soul searching at the end,

[29:52] which it didn't need.

[29:53] For considering this a movie where they just ride around on

[29:56] giant bees, you didn't need soul searching.

[29:58] Although soul searching did lead to...

[30:00] The other thing that I never expected to see in a movie, which was Dwayne The Rock Johnson

[30:04] playing the ukulele and singing a song about flying around on giant bees.

[30:09] Maybe we forgot to mention this part, is that Sean, the kid, hurts his leg, and in order

[30:14] to take his mind off the pain, Michael Caine says that music is nature's painkiller, which

[30:19] is not true.

[30:20] No, painkillers are nature's painkillers.

[30:23] They have a ukulele because Louise Guzman plays the ukulele, and Dwayne Johnson plays

[30:27] the ukulele and sings, I guess, a parody version of What a Wonderful World, with lyrics tailored

[30:33] to the adventures they've had up to that point.

[30:35] It's probably on the CD soundtrack, right?

[30:37] Oh, I have to assume.

[30:38] Yeah, from Elektra Records.

[30:39] It's on iTunes.

[30:40] It's on Relapse Records.

[30:46] So yeah, so there's also a scene where Louise Guzman, while standing on a giant lizard egg,

[30:51] falls inside and then has a moment where he yells at a baby lizard.

[30:55] An unborn baby lizard, yeah.

[30:58] I mean, Louise Guzman is delightful.

[31:00] He's just really, he's likable through almost the whole movie, even when he's being stupid.

[31:04] Probably the best character.

[31:05] He's an American treasure.

[31:06] He's by far the best character.

[31:07] He is an American treasure.

[31:08] I think I could have watched more of a movie of Dwayne Johnson and Louise Guzman getting

[31:12] an adventure.

[31:13] And they'd match buddies.

[31:14] I have to say, like, I've never been a huge fan of Dwayne Johnson, but he has an undeniable

[31:18] charisma, and in this, he's like a really fun guy to watch in a movie, and he manages to

[31:23] carve out this character who is not a big, strong, dumb guy, and he's not, like, a know-it-all.

[31:30] He's like a very competent adult who, like, is a big, strong guy, but he never uses his

[31:36] strength in the entire movie, pretty much.

[31:39] Like, you could have Dustin Hoffman play the same role, basically, and you wouldn't have

[31:43] to tailor it too much, except for the peck scene would obviously get cut or made longer.

[31:49] But, like, Dwayne Johnson is just very, like, likable and plays a character who is very

[31:53] likable, and it helps cover up the fact that the kid, Sean, is a total cypher and not interesting

[31:59] at all.

[32:00] But, like, if the sequel was just Louise Guzman and Dwayne Johnson just having an adventure,

[32:05] like, that'd be awesome.

[32:06] Like, that'd be a great TV series.

[32:07] Yeah, go to the moon.

[32:08] I'll follow.

[32:09] Here's the TV show.

[32:10] Just lead.

[32:11] Here's the TV show.

[32:12] We call it Adventure Buddies.

[32:14] It's Louise Guzman, Dwayne Johnson.

[32:16] They have adventures.

[32:17] Sometimes they don't have adventures.

[32:18] Maybe their adventure is just going to the supermarket.

[32:20] It's an everyday adventure.

[32:21] Maybe they've got to return a library book before the library closes.

[32:23] And that's based on Everyday Adventures by Jules Verne, right?

[32:26] Yeah, it was during Jules Verne's very Seinfeld-inspired phase, when he just wanted to write about

[32:32] everyday things, yeah.

[32:34] There's that episode where, there's that volume where Captain Nemo has to wait for a table

[32:40] in a Chinese restaurant.

[32:41] It's terrible.

[32:42] Very funny, though.

[32:43] It would really weigh on his status as a Sikh Hindu guy or whatever.

[32:51] He's a prince.

[32:52] A Sikh Hindu guy.

[32:55] Two different religions.

[32:56] He is a prince.

[32:57] No, it's basically the same thing, right?

[32:58] He's a real prince.

[32:59] Well, they go with the Indian version of Nemo and not the Polish version of Nemo.

[33:01] There's two different versions of Captain Nemo.

[33:04] What?

[33:05] What?

[33:06] That's right.

[33:07] There are two different Nemos.

[33:08] You might even say there's Nemo than you expected.

[33:10] No, I wouldn't say that.

[33:13] Especially because it barely makes sense.

[33:15] Hey!

[33:16] Mo' Nemos, mo' problems.

[33:17] That's what I'm saying.

[33:18] When you're standing around the water cooler, you could say that all the time.

[33:22] When the character Captain Nemo comes up around the water cooler, I'll be sure to make that

[33:27] joke.

[33:28] Hey, Nemo problems.

[33:29] Nemo money, Nemo problems.

[33:30] He'll be like, oh, I'm so tired of that.

[33:33] Hey, I found Nemo.

[33:34] Found him, everybody.

[33:35] I found Nemo.

[33:36] Every time 20,000 leagues under the sea comes up, makes the same joke.

[33:41] Well, that reminds me of the great Saturday Night Live sketch where everyone's misinterpreting

[33:46] the phrase 20,000 leagues under the sea.

[33:48] 20,000 leagues under the sea.

[33:49] So we're 20,000 leagues under the sea.

[33:51] No, we are traveling 20,000 leagues while we're under the sea.

[33:55] What a funny sketch based on a very small misunderstanding.

[33:59] Tiny misunderstanding about the way.

[34:02] About the title of a 19th century book.

[34:04] About depth versus length.

[34:07] So anyway, journey to the center of the invisible world.

[34:10] We should move on to our final judgments on this.

[34:12] Was this a good, bad movie?

[34:13] A bad, bad movie?

[34:14] A movie you kind of liked?

[34:15] Elliot, go.

[34:16] You know what?

[34:17] I have to be honest with myself.

[34:18] I have to say a movie I kind of liked.

[34:19] It was really goofy and cartoony and stupid and not like a really good movie.

[34:24] But on the other hand, I enjoyed almost all of it.

[34:26] It showed me things I never thought I'd see in a movie such as Michael Caine riding a

[34:29] giant bee and Dwayne Johnson picking up a tiny elephant and then just putting it back

[34:33] down again.

[34:34] And even the part with the dancing pecks, which I did not like when I saw the trailer

[34:38] for this movie.

[34:39] In the movie, the movie knows that this is a stupid, crazy thing it's doing.

[34:42] So yeah, I kind of enjoyed it.

[34:45] Yeah.

[34:46] There's so much delight from Louis Guzman.

[34:47] He could not be happier.

[34:48] This is one of the few movies we've watched.

[34:50] It's his naked enthusiasm.

[34:52] This is like the innocence of a child.

[34:54] One of the few movies we've watched from Flophouse where I feel like the people involved in it

[34:59] at some point must have felt good about themselves, whereas most of the movies we see the people

[35:04] involved seem to hate themselves in some way.

[35:06] Some sort of deep shame.

[35:08] But what about you, Dan or Stuart?

[35:09] I would say that I actually also like this movie.

[35:12] I mean, I mean, it was very, it was short, but that doesn't mean like, you know, a lot

[35:18] of movies that we watch, we think, okay, this is 90 minutes long.

[35:22] It'll go by like a breeze.

[35:23] And then it just seems like a slog.

[35:25] Passion play was 90 minutes long and it felt like it was a hundred hours.

[35:28] This movie moved along very quickly with its plot developments.

[35:31] And there was always something sort of interesting going on.

[35:34] And if there wasn't something new would come along next.

[35:37] And I like seeing a movie with big monsters running around.

[35:40] I like seeing a movie with the cleavage running around.

[35:44] I like seeing a movie...

[35:45] She's like 14, Dan.

[35:46] She's not 14.

[35:47] Maybe 11.

[35:48] She's like 23 in this movie, at least.

[35:53] But she hasn't gone to college yet?

[35:55] Well, her father can't afford it.

[35:57] This is...

[35:58] She wants to go to the Palau state, but I'm going to fight in Palauans.

[36:00] This woman is a movie teenager, which means that she's in her mid twenties.

[36:03] Yeah, or in her forties.

[36:05] But yeah, I thought this movie was actually kind of fun and I enjoyed it.

[36:09] Stuart?

[36:10] Yeah, I mean, I agree.

[36:12] Everything you've said, I agree with.

[36:15] Louis Guzman, amazing.

[36:17] Vanessa Hudgens.

[36:18] Yeah, sure.

[36:19] She's got dimples.

[36:21] Around every corner, there's new vistas to explore.

[36:25] I will say, a lot of the effects are really obvious, kind of cheesy CGI, which works here

[36:30] because you're not supposed to take it too seriously.

[36:32] So watch it in super HD.

[36:34] Stuart kept saying throughout the movie, where did they shoot this?

[36:36] It's beautiful.

[36:37] I want to visit this place.

[36:40] Where do they find this field of giant lizard eggs to fall on?

[36:43] Yeah.

[36:44] Well, if you build it, they will come.

[36:48] That was the lesson of Field of Giant Lizard Eggs starring Kevin Costner, starring Kevin

[36:52] Cosney.

[36:53] So...

[36:54] I was just changing his name up.

[36:56] To an egg name?

[36:57] To an egg name.

[36:58] Yeah.

[36:59] Kevin Ostrich.

[37:00] Before we get into the letters, I've got a few pieces of business to...

[37:06] Best part of the show, but not yet.

[37:08] Sweep up.

[37:09] Best part of the show, wait a minute.

[37:12] Dan's got some thing that he's got to do.

[37:14] I don't know what it is.

[37:16] So let's hear what it is in a minute.

[37:19] Go ahead.

[37:20] But first...

[37:21] So, I'd like to first thank Dimitri T, Jessup W...

[37:25] Rawr!

[37:26] Yeah!

[37:27] And Robert...

[37:28] Oh, man.

[37:30] Hold on a second.

[37:31] The house cat is here.

[37:32] Okay.

[37:33] Hello, house cat.

[37:34] Oh, he left.

[37:35] He walked out.

[37:36] Rawr!

[37:37] He's back again.

[37:38] No, I'd like to thank Dimitri T, Jessup W, and especially Robert D for their generous

[37:45] donations.

[37:46] Thank you very much, all of you.

[37:47] Thank you, one and all.

[37:48] Thanks for helping us make this world go round.

[37:50] Just a few minutes more.

[37:51] Yeah.

[37:52] Whatever that means.

[37:54] in...

[37:55] It's been a long time since we've...

[37:56] It's been a long time...

[37:57] What?

[37:58] ...since we've actually...

[37:59] Getting from there to here.

[38:00] All right.

[38:01] Stop singing your Star Trek themes.

[38:02] It's been a long time...

[38:03] Sorry.

[38:04] ...since we've actually mentioned a few things on the show, one of which is the website address.

[38:11] Okay.

[38:12] We have a website.

[38:13] www.flophousepodcast.com, where you can go and see show notes and see plugs for other

[38:20] things that we're doing and get a link to the Facebook page, where we have a rich and

[38:25] engaged...

[38:26] Oh, yeah.

[38:27] ...fan community.

[38:28] The Floppies on the Facebook are always ready to discuss anything.

[38:30] They're a bunch of great folks, and they make crazy jokes up, and I love talking to them.

[38:33] Yeah.

[38:34] So you should, too.

[38:35] And you can also find a link to the Flophouse wiki, which is...

[38:39] If you ever want to stir up a really intense conversation about DuckTales, Nicolas Cage...

[38:46] The Sight and Sound Top Ten list...

[38:48] Sure.

[38:50] ...or what Dan is, just go to the Flophouse Facebook page.

[38:53] You just really want to insult me in a way that seems funny at the time, but just chips

[38:58] away at my self-esteem over the years.

[39:00] The Flophouse Facebook page is a safe place to do that.

[39:03] Yeah.

[39:04] And the Flophouse wiki is, as always, wonderful, well worth spending a couple hours or a couple

[39:09] hundred hours exploring.

[39:10] Yes, especially if you're new.

[39:11] Or like 10 million hours.

[39:12] It's a good...

[39:13] It'll clue you in on some old in-jokes.

[39:15] Either that or it will confuse you further about those in-jokes, but for the very least,

[39:18] you'll find the plot for my screenplay pitch, Million Dollar Getaway, which I'm still willing

[39:23] to sell to Hollywood for $700,000.

[39:25] And I also wanted to mention the Flophouse email.

[39:28] The longest email in podcasting, which is theflophousepodcastatgmail.com.

[39:34] Theflophousepodcastatgmail.com.

[39:37] Any dashes or spaces or...

[39:40] No.

[39:41] Terrible, terrible email address.

[39:42] One long word.

[39:43] One very long word.

[39:44] Are we plugging stuff now, or should we wait later to let the letters...

[39:45] We should wait till later, but...

[39:46] Okay.

[39:47] After the letters, we'll do some plugs.

[39:49] So...

[39:50] People have probably turned off their podcast machines already.

[39:52] They're called iPhones.

[39:55] But we'll move on to letters.

[39:57] This first one is from Stefan, last name without...

[40:00] I assume the last name is Raquel.

[40:02] Possibly.

[40:03] It's a letter from Stefan Raquel, the cool version of Steve Urkel that he gets when he

[40:07] drinks a potion or he gets into a machine or some shit?

[40:10] Yeah.

[40:11] So wait, it's cooler than Steve Urkel, but that guy's really smart and gets really good

[40:14] grades, Elliot.

[40:15] Shouldn't he be cool?

[40:16] Hmm.

[40:17] Well, let me explain some things to you, Stuart, after the podcast.

[40:20] This is an apt email for tonight's movie.

[40:23] It's titled 3D or Not 3D?

[40:25] It's titled, Why Don't You Guys Watch Journey to the Mysterious Island?

[40:28] Well, we did, Stefan.

[40:29] Thanks.

[40:30] Why don't you go fuck yourself?

[40:32] Whoa.

[40:33] Whoa.

[40:34] Whoa.

[40:35] You are putting words in my mouth that I thought but did not say.

[40:37] So this is titled 3D or Not 3D?

[40:40] It's 3D.

[40:41] Of course.

[40:42] I mean representatives of the house of flop.

[40:44] Thank you.

[40:45] I've been a longtime fan of the podcast.

[40:47] I've gone through the entire archive several times.

[40:49] You never fail to entertain with your fantastic movie pitches, growing list of original Batman

[40:54] villains, discussion on the intricacies of DuckTales, and, of course, words that sound

[40:59] like other words.

[41:00] That's what we do.

[41:01] Recently, I was helping my parents pick out a new TV.

[41:04] Like all other mundane tasks, this reminded me of the flop house.

[41:08] My father, who unironically loves bad movies and is unaware of their crapitudinny, wanted

[41:14] a new television with 3D displaying possibilities.

[41:17] Of course.

[41:18] As the original pitches may have noticed, many recent flops have been released in 3D.

[41:21] Much like tonight's.

[41:22] To help the failing movie industry get more butts in theater seats, as most people seem

[41:26] to prefer watching movies in the comfort of their own home to sitting in an overpriced

[41:29] movie theater.

[41:30] I would say it's really more to squeeze extra dollars out of ticket sales.

[41:33] It's basically the same thing, though.

[41:35] Nope.

[41:36] Have you floppers considered upgrading your movie watching setup?

[41:39] Why don't they do some kind of a deal where when you buy a ticket, you get a free bag

[41:43] of popcorn?

[41:44] Well, popcorn is where the movie theaters make their profits.

[41:47] So what if you buy a bag of popcorn and you get to see a movie for free?

[41:51] Again, then the studio doesn't make any money.

[41:54] Okay.

[41:55] Anyway.

[41:56] We'll hash this out.

[41:57] Those are both unfeasible.

[41:58] Have you floppers considered upgrading your movie watching setup to be able to watch

[42:03] your beloved bad movies in shitty post-conversion 3D, the way marketing executives intended

[42:08] them to be seen?

[42:09] I'm thinking specifically of movies like Drive Angry 3D, Rated R, or the inevitable and

[42:14] justified Flophouse entry, Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance.

[42:18] So basically anything with 3D with Nicolas Cage and his vast array of wigs.

[42:21] So this movie, this letter was written before we watched Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance.

[42:24] A blast from the flop past.

[42:26] It's like the past is talking to the future.

[42:29] It's like that episode of The Saved by the Bell where they unearth that.

[42:32] The Saved by the Bell.

[42:33] Someday I'll make it through an entire episode.

[42:34] Oh, I remember that time capsule episode from the old, and they bury their own at the end,

[42:37] right?

[42:38] Yeah, and they're the only ones who get to contribute.

[42:40] I feel so bad for all the other students who don't get to contribute.

[42:44] The subtext of Saved by the Bell is just like the Twilight Zone episode, It's a Good Life.

[42:48] Zack, Kelly, Screech, Slater, and Jesse, our heroes, and Lisa have mind powers that

[42:53] allow them to change reality.

[42:55] They cut Bayside off from the rest of the universe a long time ago, and they run that

[42:59] place.

[43:00] That's how they can go into Mr. Belding's office whenever they want.

[43:02] Sure.

[43:03] And can't Zack Morris stop time?

[43:05] Okay, well, things will make more sense if you don't interrupt me.

[43:08] And a homeless man in his house.

[43:11] So read it.

[43:12] Meaning this digression.

[43:13] No, I can't when you're talking over me.

[43:15] If so, what would it take for you to make the switch to 3D, and would it involve an

[43:19] eccentric millionaire, and how would boxing alligators figure into the equation?

[43:23] Oh, good question.

[43:24] Very good question.

[43:25] That's from 7LastDanWithheld.

[43:26] Well, if we found an eccentric millionaire who boxed alligators, a la the happiest millionaire,

[43:31] then I think maybe Dan would take a 3D TV.

[43:33] But Dan, you actually have some TV news.

[43:35] He's just got a new TV.

[43:36] He upgraded the television.

[43:37] I avoided a 3D television.

[43:39] And why?

[43:40] What was your thinking behind that?

[43:41] Because they're terrible, and they make everything look awful.

[43:44] But why else?

[43:45] Well, but on top of that, elaborate.

[43:48] In the process of buying a new television, like, it's no secret to long-time listeners

[43:52] that I live in a Brooklyn apartment, and Brooklyn apartments are not huge.

[43:56] Spacious.

[43:57] Speak for yourself.

[43:58] I live in a palace.

[43:59] You do live in a palace.

[44:00] A golden palace, with the three surviving golden girls.

[44:03] You've been a television writer longer than I have.

[44:05] And only one surviving golden girl.

[44:07] Oh, my God.

[44:08] I've got two golden girl corpses in my apartment.

[44:10] But I found in the course of shopping for a new television that you no longer can get

[44:17] a reasonable-sized TV.

[44:19] They only make the big ones.

[44:20] They only make big ones.

[44:21] They either make, like, small ones that you're supposed to put in your kitchen, because apparently

[44:25] you have to watch television while you're in your kitchen now.

[44:27] I grew up in a house with a TV and a kitchen, okay?

[44:30] So we're not crazy.

[44:31] We're not hill people, all right?

[44:32] We're not monsters, just because we have a TV in the kitchen.

[44:35] Yeah, it's not like you're watching the TV and, like, burning your hands on hot French

[44:39] fry grease.

[44:40] Why would you need that?

[44:41] Look, if the other TV is in my parents' room and my sister has friends over and they're

[44:44] in the basement, where am I going to watch USA Up all night but on the kitchen TV?

[44:47] Okay, fair enough.

[44:48] But the point is...

[44:49] I rest my case.

[44:50] You can't get a television that fits in a reasonable apartment size anymore.

[44:55] No.

[44:56] You have to get, like, a 50-inch fucking...

[44:57] Well, they want you to mount it on your wall.

[44:59] Yeah.

[45:00] And I feel like that's...

[45:01] 50 inches would actually be very small for a whale, but continue.

[45:04] But that's where, like, you get into all these crazy accoutrements, which I don't want

[45:08] in the first place.

[45:09] Yeah.

[45:10] So we're left with two options.

[45:11] Okay.

[45:12] Either this giant TV and we have to sit in somebody else's apartment and watch it through

[45:16] the window, or this teeny little TV and Elliot has to sit on my lap and Dan has to kind of

[45:21] snuggle in there.

[45:22] Wait, I don't understand why we're squeezing together when the TV is so small.

[45:25] There's more room in the room.

[45:26] We need to get closer to each other.

[45:28] I don't understand either, but Stuart says it's the only way, so I think we should try

[45:31] that.

[45:32] All right, well, let me get on your lap.

[45:33] So today we watched Journey 2 in somebody else's apartment while your wife, Sarah, held

[45:39] a cell phone up to the speaker and we could listen to it.

[45:43] It worked great.

[45:44] It was kind of in three dimensions.

[45:46] I would say I still am having... and maybe it's because I'm an old-time fuss budget and

[45:50] a curmudgeon, but I have trouble believing that 3D television really is the way of the

[45:55] future because the things that are on television are not shot so as to look good in 3D.

[46:01] I don't mean they're not taking advantage of the depth of field.

[46:06] I mean you don't get a lot of shows that have full figure people walking around.

[46:10] Are you going to want to see a big 3D close-up of Drew Carey's face or the characters on

[46:17] True Blood or whatever?

[46:18] No, of course not.

[46:19] Even sports is not going to look good in 3D.

[46:22] I think 3D TVs is a fad unless they somehow change the way television is shot and presented.

[46:28] And the first thing I imagine when they present these 3D TVs where you have to wear a set

[46:34] of glasses to watch it is guys getting up to go to the bathroom and bumping their legs

[46:38] on their coffee table.

[46:39] Or bumping their legs on the TV people that are now three dimensions.

[46:42] Yeah, exactly.

[46:43] I also, just me and myself, am not a huge fan of 3D movies.

[46:46] I find it makes my head hurt and it makes it harder for me to take in the whole screen

[46:49] as one composed image.

[46:50] So no thank you, Beowulf 3D.

[46:52] That was one of the better ones.

[46:56] So this next one is a recommendation from Paul, last name withheld.

[46:59] Paul Lind.

[47:00] I admit I'm going to read it mostly for the postscripts, so keep tuned in.

[47:05] Okay.

[47:06] I wanted to send you a quick recommendation.

[47:08] I recently watched Gareth Edwards' little scene 2010 film Monsters, which while not

[47:13] perfect, is an interesting contrast to films like Cloverfield or, insert Dan style sigh,

[47:19] Godzilla.

[47:20] It's contemplative and thoughtful while those are frenetic.

[47:23] Apologies if you've already seen it, but I thought I'd suggest it just in case.

[47:26] P.S.

[47:27] Dan, I thought you'd like to know that my wife, when hearing the podcast, said that

[47:32] the sad sounding fellow who steered the conversation was her favorite.

[47:36] P.P.S.

[47:37] Okay, that's a lie.

[47:39] What she actually said was, huh, and hasn't listened to another episode.

[47:43] Sounds like Elliot's wife.

[47:45] P.P.P.S.

[47:46] She's definitely listening to the episode part.

[47:48] P.P.P.S.

[47:50] But to head off Dan's inevitable question, yes, my wife has a nice ass.

[47:54] Paul, it's amazing how well you predicted Dan's mind at that point.

[48:00] Thank you for your ass news.

[48:03] As usual, that should be sent to theflophouseasscast at gmail.com, but understandable since Dan

[48:10] does talk about wives' asses on this show.

[48:13] I did it once.

[48:16] While we were watching the movie, he talked about that ass.

[48:19] Vanessa Hudgens's?

[48:20] No, the other one.

[48:21] Michael Caine's?

[48:22] That was Elliot!

[48:24] You're now attributing things that Elliot said to me.

[48:26] You agreed with what I said, though.

[48:28] Yeah, but I thought it in my brain.

[48:30] You said it a lot.

[48:31] You said it like two seconds before you were going to say it.

[48:34] I said, and I quote, Kristen Davis has a nice caboose.

[48:37] And you said, I was just thinking the same thing.

[48:40] Although I don't know if you were thinking the word caboose.

[48:42] Yeah, I wasn't as charmingly old-timey about it.

[48:45] But Monsters is an interesting movie.

[48:49] On the subject of wife asses, Monsters is a good movie.

[48:53] Thanks.

[48:54] So this is from Flophouse superfan Remy Lastname Withheld.

[48:58] Hi, Remy.

[48:59] She says, the universe cries in agony because of this unexplored avenue of comedy.

[49:05] When I heard you mention that the house cat is practicing for a Shakespeare play,

[49:10] I was expecting a patented Flophouse tangent.

[49:12] I think you forgot that we forget things as soon as we say them.

[49:15] The entirety of creation was sorely disappointed when no such tangent materialized.

[49:19] God damn it, guys.

[49:20] Now all of creation is in a state of chaos.

[49:23] I demand you rectify this.

[49:24] The scales of time cannot be off balance for more than two months.

[49:28] Otherwise, the gates of eternity will collapse.

[49:30] Very true.

[49:31] P.S. Hey, Stuart, what did you think of The Dark Knight Rises?

[49:33] Does it compare well to Castle Freak?

[49:35] When you think about it, Batman lives in a mansion, which is kind of a castle.

[49:39] Also, Batman's kind of a freak because he's a weirdo who dresses up like a bat.

[49:43] Is he a better Castle Freak than the original?

[49:45] The question then is, does Batman rip his own ding dong off?

[49:49] The answer is yes, just like in the original movie, Castle Freak.

[49:53] Directed by Stuart Gordon, starring one Jeffrey Combs.

[49:57] Would Batman be a better Castle Freak than me?

[50:00] yes it would be a better castle freak than the actual freak now of course

[50:04] i'm sorry remi

[50:05] but nice try

[50:06] uh... put that one over on me

[50:09] but this uh...

[50:10] this this this shakespeare play uh... yeah it was i forgot that the house cat

[50:13] was uh...

[50:15] well like a king leer type figure

[50:18] cat leer it's called

[50:20] he divides up the litter box between his three kittens thinking they'll love him

[50:24] more but in fact

[50:25] two of them

[50:26] catterall and regat love him less

[50:29] and of course cat delia always loved him

[50:32] but wouldn't make a big show of it

[50:34] and there's all the others there's the subplots of the two twin brothers catward

[50:37] and catmund and of course uh... puster

[50:40] their father okay so everybody you're welcome i just gave you a chance to see

[50:45] how much uh... stuff elliot knows about shakespeare well king leer i know

[50:49] quite a bit about but some of the other ones don't ask me to do any timone of

[50:53] athens stuff oh no no coriolanus riffs from you except that timone of athens is

[50:58] the only shakespeare play to star emmy or cat

[51:01] to me to me out of athens

[51:05] to me out of athens

[51:07] okay good stuff moving on

[51:11] this letter is from john last name withheld uh... hey john

[51:15] hi john thanks for writing in

[51:17] it's a letter titled

[51:18] elliot doesn't know what a zeppeli is

[51:21] and it goes on to say what kind of new york podcast is this

[51:26] p.s. write a pilot for thepheus and stelios tv series and i'll work on that

[51:31] pilot

[51:32] uh... as for zeppelis

[51:34] that was a food thing right yeah i don't give a rat's everything it's an italian

[51:38] fried dough

[51:40] yeah but have you ever been to a street fair in new york i avoid them because i

[51:43] don't that's not where i want to buy my underwear socks or funnel cakes

[51:47] but they have the softest socks the sign says that the socks are the softest

[51:51] the world's softest it's rare that i'm in the market for mismatched socks bras with holes in them

[51:57] or uh... gyros so you know

[52:00] how about watercolor paintings of the new york skyline nope don't want that either

[52:05] alright

[52:06] uh... or t-shirts for local bands

[52:08] okay so uh... yeah and i'm not a fan of i don't know anything about zeppelis

[52:13] of course zeppeli marks i'm familiar with

[52:15] the least funny of the marks brothers

[52:18] but the most fried

[52:20] uh... and this last

[52:21] this last uh... flophouse letter

[52:25] comes from dan last name disclosed berube

[52:28] or berube

[52:29] and it's titled way to disclose that name dan mccoy i'm making fun of dan mccoy here

[52:34] not you dan he doesn't have a phonetic uh... dan berube or beruba

[52:37] if you really wanted to disclose his last name he would have had a phonetic spelling

[52:41] but uh... as someone whose last name is mispronounced all the time i

[52:45] sympathize with him and thank you for writing and thank you for writing and

[52:48] listening his letter is titled vindication

[52:52] dear the flophouse

[52:53] as the guy who wrote that ding dong gate letter almost a year ago

[52:58] i would like to thank dan mccoy for having the courage to support my

[53:01] campaign for the truth

[53:03] courage is that rosa parks there is no ding dong ripping and cash a freak

[53:08] mister wellington

[53:09] the american and canadian people have spoken

[53:11] dan you are truly the bernstein to my woodward

[53:14] and for that i thank you stewart that makes you richard nixon

[53:17] and elliot i guess you're ben stein okay i look forward to your hilarious game show

[53:22] and misguided climate change documentary well my life goal is really the clear

[53:27] eyes commercials and i've always dreamed

[53:29] of of turning on a shower head over a beach ball

[53:33] just like ben stein if the end result of me telling you that a dude rips his own dick

[53:37] off in a movie

[53:38] got you to watch castle freak then i've done a service to both you

[53:44] dan who i'm sure was sitting here at two in the afternoon

[53:47] furiously writing down the time of his dvd player for when that scene actually

[53:52] happened so he could prove to be

[53:54] that didn't happen

[53:56] uh... i did you all service and you know what

[53:59] that makes me pretty great i'm not quite sure why i was ben stein in that scenario

[54:04] uh... very at least i should be like spiro agnew

[54:08] uh... jerald ford

[54:09] how about a mcnamara

[54:11] uh... mcnamara just one of them

[54:14] just one of the many mcnamara's littering the floor

[54:17] just lying around pick up any mcnamara it doesn't matter you'll be that one

[54:22] so uh... we all got a little bit of burned in that letter segment yeah we

[54:26] did those letters those letters took no prisoners

[54:30] there's a distinct lack of respect among the fans something tells me we have

[54:34] engendered this among the fans

[54:36] you know they're always keeping us on our toes guys

[54:40] can't just can't be slouches

[54:42] it isn't always letters written by dan about how great dan is

[54:47] so uh... this final segment of the show is where we recommend movies that we

[54:52] usually seen recently not necessarily

[54:54] but movies that we like

[54:56] in contrast to the usual dross we watch although we all kind of enjoyed journey

[55:00] to dross oh well

[55:03] uh... look at alfred lord tennyson over here

[55:06] is there a movie you would like to recommend

[55:08] uh... i do this afternoon before i drink a bunch of beers

[55:12] i sat in my living room and watched the raid

[55:15] colon redemption i want to see that for american that was for american release

[55:20] which is i guess indonesian

[55:24] no matter it's uh... it's a great movie about a bunch of uh... swat team dudes

[55:28] who go into this tenement building and then have to beat all these dudes up

[55:33] if you like to meet each other up and like grunting a lot and shouting those

[55:37] are things i like

[55:38] uh... and for a movie that features a fair amount of cgi blood

[55:43] you guys all know i'm an outspoken opponent usually a deal-breaker for you

[55:47] in this case even when zatoichi himself is spraying that cgi blood

[55:51] in this case it didn't bother me as much

[55:53] uh... i guess it might have been the grunting or the shadows

[55:57] uh... so run don't walk to my living room and watch

[56:01] the raid after colon redemption

[56:05] that's where it's playing right now? that's where i want to watch it again so you should come

[56:08] over and watch it with me

[56:10] thanks

[56:11] love stewart

[56:14] uh... i you know i a little bit

[56:17] ago i re-watched uh... i was home

[56:20] at night

[56:21] uh... the wife was out

[56:23] yeah paint us a weird picture of your life

[56:25] just get to the movie would you? i wanted to watch something fun

[56:28] i wanted to watch something fun and light

[56:30] and i re-watched... so the sorrow and the pity

[56:33] cello

[56:34] i re-watched uh... galaxy quest which i don't think i've seen in full since i saw it

[56:41] uh... in the theater when it came out i've seen bits and pieces obviously on television

[56:44] because i feel like it's always on television

[56:46] but um...

[56:47] i really enjoyed it and watching it again

[56:50] it sort of struck me

[56:52] that it wasn't necessarily that

[56:54] it's the most hilarious comedy like i didn't find myself laughing out loud a

[56:57] lot at what was happening loling the kids call it uh... yeah i mean other than

[57:01] i actually thought that tony shalhoub's line readings as like the weird

[57:06] totally sort of spaced out possibly stoned

[57:08] uh... actor

[57:10] were really funny

[57:11] uh... but in general it wasn't necessarily that

[57:13] it was a comedy where the jokes were so hilarious but it was so well constructed

[57:18] that's tony shalhoub's character? yeah

[57:20] i thought that was uh... sam rockwell's character? sam rockwell is the nervous guy who

[57:24] thinks he's going to get killed oh okay i got it mixed up

[57:26] but um... and he's very funny too but but but by and large what i found most

[57:31] enjoyable about it was it was just a super well constructed movie

[57:35] where

[57:36] everything pays off really nicely and

[57:39] you feel really good about all the character arts it's just a movie that makes you feel

[57:43] good about what happens in it like prometheus exactly like prometheus

[57:48] speaking of galaxy quest that tim allen guy you know he's he's a rising star

[57:53] one of these days he's going to get his hit

[57:56] he's had many

[57:58] okay so elliot i'm surprised you didn't mention sigourney weaver's cleavage

[58:02] since that's your thing

[58:04] yeah that's my thing

[58:06] it's my thing dan alone of all men of all men i enjoy cleavage

[58:11] i don't get the big deal at his own mouth yeah it's

[58:15] you know whatever it's like a chest butt

[58:21] well said stewart you're the poet of modern age

[58:24] he's the poet laureate of filth

[58:27] uh...

[58:28] i am going to risk

[58:30] cliche

[58:31] about my being a brooklyn indie movie watcher and i'm going to recommend a

[58:35] movie i saw this weekend

[58:37] that i liked a lot called beasts of the southern wild which you've probably heard

[58:40] of

[58:41] oprah liked it it's one of those indie movies that

[58:44] gets a huge marketing campaign and everybody's talking about it as if they

[58:47] assume nobody else has heard of it because it's a small movie

[58:50] but everyone's heard of it that's i call it blur witch project syndrome

[58:53] where everyone would say

[58:54] have you heard about this movie blur witch project? yeah of course i have

[58:57] there are commercials for it all the time come on people

[58:59] but uh... elliot's recommendation comes with a heaping help

[59:03] helping of irritation that's me

[59:05] uh... but i actually enjoyed a lot i found it to be

[59:08] both

[59:09] touching and funny and

[59:11] very well put together

[59:12] and especially for a movie that's very episodic or rather or picaresque if you

[59:16] will

[59:17] uh... i will

[59:18] it holds thank you thank you for doing that

[59:20] it holds together nicely and has some really great performances in it by some

[59:25] non-professional actors and i really liked it a lot

[59:28] so that's what i'd recommend beasts of the southern wild

[59:31] so guys we've come to the end of another quest

[59:35] another

[59:36] it's the laziest quest

[59:39] to sit in a rodeo

[59:41] what are you trying to do over there? well we found curly's gold everybody

[59:46] turns out there was less of it than we anticipated

[59:49] so we actually lost money on this expedition turns out he didn't have a lot of gold

[59:53] we had to outfit people with mules

[59:56] pickaxes shit's way expensive we had to take that old map

[1:00:00] like burn it around the edges to make it look really old.

[1:00:02] I see your coffee all over it, so I apologize to all of you, but the podcast turned out

[1:00:07] okay.

[1:00:08] Yeah.

[1:00:09] Yeah.

[1:00:10] It turns out Curly's Gold is inside all of us.

[1:00:11] I give it a hundred.

[1:00:12] We shouldn't have eaten Curly's Gold.

[1:00:13] We thought it was gelt.

[1:00:14] We thought it was chocolate.

[1:00:15] It's really way heavy in my stomach.

[1:00:16] Yeah.

[1:00:17] It's not good for you to eat.

[1:00:18] So we should go past that probably.

[1:00:19] TMI.

[1:00:20] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:00:31] I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[1:00:33] And I am as ashamed as can be to admit I am Ellie Kaelin.

[1:00:36] Good night, everyone.

[1:00:37] So I'd say like 97%, maybe 100%.

[1:00:38] What do you think?

[1:00:39] Of what?

[1:00:40] This podcast.

[1:00:41] Is what?

[1:00:51] It's a comedy dynasty.

[1:00:53] His father was in comedy.

[1:00:54] He was in comedy and his daughter's in comedy.

[1:00:56] Like the show Dynasty.

[1:00:57] Nope.

[1:00:58] It's worthless.

[1:00:59] Wait.

[1:01:00] Wait.

[1:01:01] What was that show about?

[1:01:02] It was about a comedy dynasty.

[1:01:03] The Manchu dynasty.

[1:01:04] Comedy dinosaurs?

[1:01:05] Yeah.

[1:01:06] That was the show Dinosaurs.

[1:01:07] False comedy.

[1:01:08] Let's do this.

The Flop House: Episode #109 - Journey 2 The Mysterious Island

Transcript

Description