The Flop House: Episode #109 - Journey 2 The Mysterious Island

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Journey 2, The Mysterious Island,

[0:05] probably the most faithful adaptation of any Jules Verne work ever.

Elliott Kalan

[0:30] The Mysterious Island

Dan McCoy

[1:00] is going to go off to Gen Con, the gaming convention.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] And because Dan and I will be heading to the RNC and DNC,

[1:06] the corruption conventions.

[1:09] Yeah.

[1:10] Take that.

[1:11] Rage against the machine.

[1:13] Exactly.

[1:13] And so forth.

Dan McCoy

[1:14] So to ensure that you, the valued listener,

[1:18] doesn't get an interruption in their Flophouse service.

[1:21] You were about to say get an erection, didn't you?

[1:23] Yeah, I mean, it's just a certain level of professionalism.

[1:25] I want to make sure that they do get erections.

[1:27] Oh, okay.

[1:27] On the regular.

[1:29] On the regular?

[1:30] On the regular.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30] Is that a phrase that anyone has ever used?

[1:32] I think so.

[1:33] But yeah, so we've been doubling up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35] People expect professionalism when they tune into the Flophouse podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:39] That's the watchword for our show.

[1:41] Yep.

[1:42] Professionalism.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] Yep.

[1:43] Just like that movie with Gene Renaud, the professionalism.

[1:47] It's Gene Renaud?

[1:48] Yeah.

[1:49] Gene's Renaud.

[1:50] If you want...

[1:51] After he named himself after his favorite pants.

Dan McCoy

[1:53] If you want amateur professionalism, tune into another podcast.

[1:56] Go somewhere else.

[1:59] I thought you were going to say, go suck an egg.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] Nope.

[2:02] Because I'm not a hundred-year-old man.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] No, no.

[2:06] That was good stuff, though.

[2:07] I think we should keep that up.

[2:09] Let's just to recap.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] So to recap, Dan uses in his everyday speech the phrases, go suck an egg and on the regular.

Dan McCoy

[2:16] Well, we've learned a lot today.

[2:18] Thanks for listening.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] Good night, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[2:23] Now, for newish listeners, because I feel like we have a fair number recently.

[2:29] We've been picking up listeners like a snowball rolling down a hill.

[2:32] They pick up listeners' snowballs?

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] Well, they pick up snow.

Stuart Wellington

[2:35] I mean, they're probably listeners, unless they roll over like it's a deaf person hill or something.

Dan McCoy

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:40] All right.

[2:41] Fair enough.

[2:42] I take it back.

[2:43] That's a thing, right?

Stuart Wellington

[2:44] Deaf people hills?

Dan McCoy

[2:46] Yeah, hills made out of deaf people, yeah.

[2:47] This is a podcast where three guys take a look at a movie, a movie that was a critical or a financial flaw.

[2:53] Take a look at a movie.

[2:54] We watch it.

[2:56] We watch it from front to back.

[2:58] Never back to front.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] We do not glance at the DVD cover and toss it out the window.

[3:02] We don't just flip through the stills.

Dan McCoy

[3:05] We watch a whole movie.

[3:06] We watch it.

[3:07] And we listen to it, because many of these movies use sound as an element.

[3:10] Yeah, a critical or a commercial flop.

[3:12] And then we talk about it afterwards on the air.

[3:14] Yes.

[3:14] Which is what we're doing now.

[3:15] And tonight we watched...

[3:16] And we do it in a house.

Stuart Wellington

[3:17] So it's a flop in a house.

Dan McCoy

[3:19] No, I don't think that that's actually the...

[3:21] Yeah, that's where the title comes from.

[3:23] Okay.

[3:24] Tonight we watched a little movie called Journey to the Mysterious Island.

Elliott Kalan

[3:30] Now wait, Dan, do you mean Journey to colon the Mysterious Island?

[3:33] I don't think there's a colon.

[3:35] No, there isn't.

Dan McCoy

[3:35] I wanted Dan to say no.

[3:36] I mean Journey numeral to the Mysterious Island.

[3:41] So you're saying...

Elliott Kalan

[3:41] I don't mean Journey to the Mysterious Island.

[3:44] So you're saying that this is the second Flophouse movie we've watched that is a sequel that

[3:51] uses the number two instead of the word two in the middle of the title.

Stuart Wellington

[3:55] Yeah, that seems odd.

[3:56] Wait, was that the Twilight movie we watched?

[3:58] No, Step Up to the Streets.

[4:00] Oh, right, right, right.

[4:01] Not Twilight to the moon.

Dan McCoy

[4:02] Sure.

[4:03] You're saying unlike, say, Teen Wolf 2.

[4:06] T-O-O.

[4:07] Yeah.

[4:07] Or look who's talking 2.

[4:08] T-O-O.

Stuart Wellington

[4:09] That's an extra Teen Wolf.

Dan McCoy

[4:11] Yeah.

[4:11] Although Journey to the Mysterious Island wouldn't work as well.

[4:15] No, it wouldn't at all.

Stuart Wellington

[4:16] It doesn't make sense, but it's indicating to the viewers who are big fans of Journey 1

[4:21] that this is the second movie in the series.

Elliott Kalan

[4:23] Or just fans of the band Journey.

Dan McCoy

[4:25] Oh, they finally made a Journey movie.

[4:27] They're indicating two things.

[4:29] Number one, this is a sequel.

[4:31] Yes.

[4:32] Number two, in this one, they're not going to the center of the earth.

[4:35] Which is the first movie.

[4:36] They're going the numeral 2.

[4:38] The Mysterious Island.

Elliott Kalan

[4:39] So that this movie is investigating a different Jules Verne book.

Stuart Wellington

[4:43] Yeah.

[4:43] So luckily, the rest of the movie was way better than the cool title naming convention, right?

[4:50] In a way.

[4:50] But we'll get to that.

[4:51] I mean, I think it's worth noting, though.

Dan McCoy

[4:53] You said that it's based on a Jules Verne book.

[4:56] The weird thing is this is based on a Jules Verne book that is a sequel to 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

[5:01] It's not a sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[5:04] So they're mixing and matching Jules Verne.

Elliott Kalan

[5:07] Well, the original Mysterious Island, the book, also didn't have Luis Guzman as a goofy helicopter pilot.

[5:13] Fair enough.

[5:13] Or the rock getting berries flicked at his pecs.

[5:16] We'll get there.

[5:17] They took a lot of liberties with the established material.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] Don't make the mistake that this movie made and get rid of all the best material up front.

[5:25] Should we talk about what happened in this movie?

[5:26] Yeah, let's discuss the plot a little bit.

[5:28] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] Now, I haven't seen the original Journey to the Center of the Earth, but I assume...

[5:32] They go to the fucking center of the Earth and come back, probably.

[5:34] It's about a kid and Brendan Fraser, and they go to the center of the Earth.

[5:37] Yeah.

[5:37] In this one, the kid is back.

[5:39] Brendan Fraser's not.

[5:39] And the kid...

Dan McCoy

[5:40] Brendan Fraser's busy making Furry Vengeance.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] Making Furry Vengeance and having cameos in the G.I. Joe movies.

[5:46] Yeah.

[5:46] Perfect.

[5:47] The kid in this, who you may recognize as Peeta from the Hunger Games movie, is this irritating teen kid who intercepts a secret transmission in code that his stepdad, The Rock, not a rock, but Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

[6:03] The Rock.

[6:04] The Rock.

[6:04] Who doesn't go by the name The Rock anymore, but just by his real name, Dwayne Johnson.

[6:07] Who Dwayne Johnson, his stepfather, decodes.

[6:10] Apparently, this message says that the book The Mysterious Island by Jules Verne is actually true.

[6:17] And Vernians, which the kid considers himself one of and which exists in this world, I guess, believe the island was real.

Dan McCoy

[6:23] People subscribe to Vern Beat, Vern Fancy, all the top of Jules Verne magazine.

[6:28] Yeah, Tiger Vern.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:29] Popular Vern Antics.

[6:30] You would be with the decline of the print industry.

[6:32] No.

[6:32] It wouldn't be as modern magazine.

[6:34] Vern is keeping that whole thing alive.

[6:36] G.V.

[6:37] That's Gentleman's Vernically.

[6:38] Vern Mopolitan.

Stuart Wellington

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:40] Play Vern.

[6:40] I'm trying to think of a good Ernest-based joke.

[6:43] You guys might have to help me work out that.

[6:44] Vern is traded.

[6:45] I'm sure.

Elliott Kalan

[6:46] No, well, that's the thing.

[6:47] In the Ernest movies, when he would say, know what I mean, Vern, he was talking to Jules Verne.

[6:50] No kidding.

[6:51] Because Jules Verne predicted so much in his literature that Ernest assumed that Jules Verne had predicted his different adventures, going to jail, camp, scaring stupid, that kind of thing.

Dan McCoy

[7:00] It turned out that Jules Verne did know what he mean.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] Well, only because he did write a book called Journey to the Saving of Christmas.

[7:07] Yeah.

[7:08] So anyway, the message tells him that this island is the same island that inspired Treasure Island and Gulliver's Travels.

[7:18] And using information in those books, by which I mean a drawing that's on the front page of each of those books, they construct a map with coordinates of where the mysterious island is.

[7:27] Yeah, it's basically Goonies, right?

[7:29] Yeah.

[7:30] It's not basically Goonies.

[7:32] Goonies didn't invent finding a treasure map and then going to find the treasure.

Stuart Wellington

[7:35] Well, in Goonies, didn't they have like a light box in their attic?

Dan McCoy

[7:39] I was bothered by the idea that like...

[7:42] Did you make a map?

[7:43] Didn't they find a map or something?

[7:44] Were we to believe that these were first editions of all three of these major works in literature?

[7:50] I assume so.

Stuart Wellington

[7:51] I mean, that's the real treasure, isn't it?

[7:54] Why do they have to go find a fucking golden volcano?

Dan McCoy

[7:57] He rips out the maps and like overlays them in all three cases.

[8:01] And I'm like, so either these are first editions or we live in a world where like the map has, like the fake ass map for this fake ass place.

[8:09] It's supposed to be the same in every book.

Elliott Kalan

[8:11] Well, also because those books all came out at wildly varying times.

[8:15] It's like the beginning of In the Mouth of Madness or whatever?

[8:18] In the Mouth of Madness when he rips the covers.

[8:20] But in each of those, Sutter Cain, the horror novelist, has designed the covers for his own books.

[8:25] Okay, so they explain that now.

[8:26] And those could all be paperback first editions.

[8:28] That's a contemporary author.

[8:29] But this kid somehow has first editions of Treasure Island, Journey to the Mysterious Island.

[8:37] I'm getting my tell-it's not.

[8:38] No, it's just the Mysterious Island.

[8:40] And also Gulliver's Travels, which correct me if I'm wrong, is way older than either of the other two books.

[8:45] Yeah, I think you're right on that.

[8:46] So Jonathan Swift was like, I'll just put part of this map here.

[8:50] And hopefully my brothers of the written word will pick up the mantle and carry my torch so that someday some whiny kid and his wrestler stepfather can go to this island.

[9:01] Because that's what they do.

[9:03] They go to Palau, which is the closest place to the island, and take up with helicopter pilot Luis Guzman and his sexy daughter, Vanessa Hudgens, who the kid...

[9:13] Which is great.

[9:14] Like, we needed a character like that to show up at that exact moment.

[9:17] Like, a character like what?

[9:18] A goofy character or a sexy character?

[9:20] Or both?

Stuart Wellington

[9:21] A little bit of both.

[9:22] A Guzman Hudgens type character.

Elliott Kalan

[9:25] A Gudgens.

[9:26] I like to think that Luis Guzman is actually Goose Man.

[9:30] He's bitten by a goose and he has goose powers now.

[9:34] So they go in the helicopter.

[9:36] They fly right into a storm.

[9:38] The helicopter gets torn apart and they land on the shores of the mysterious island.

[9:43] Seems kind of boring initially, right?

[9:45] A little bit.

[9:46] It's just this rocky shoreline.

[9:47] Then they travel through a cave.

[9:49] But I mean they're alive.

[9:50] They are alive, yeah.

[9:51] That's pretty good.

[9:52] They crash their helicopter.

Dan McCoy

[9:53] They crash their helicopter in the middle of a hurricane.

[9:56] They seem none the worse for wear.

[9:58] It's a movie.

[9:59] It's a miracle, basically.

[10:00] There's that.

Elliott Kalan

[10:00] I mean, it is.

[10:01] God is obviously watching over them.

[10:02] That's the hidden message of Journey to the Mysterious Island.

[10:05] Have you heard the good news, by the way?

[10:07] Have you heard the good news?

[10:08] The Mysterious Island is real.

[10:09] The gospel according to Michael Caine's character, who shows up soon afterwards.

[10:14] They're walking through the...

[10:16] They walk through a cave and they enter on a verdant paradise.

[10:19] Waterfalls, tropical trees and whatnot.

[10:21] And also giant butterflies and tiny elephants.

[10:24] Which gives the movie the title I gave it.

[10:27] Wrong Size Animals.

[10:28] The movie.

[10:30] Wrong Size Animals, colon, the movie.

[10:33] Based on a true story.

[10:34] Yeah, of course.

[10:35] Just like Hot Dog the movie.

[10:37] They put the movie at the end of the title.

[10:38] Oh, I thought it was because it was based on a true story.

[10:40] Well, no.

[10:41] You'd look up at the marquee and you'd say, wrong size animals.

[10:43] I want to see this exhibit.

[10:44] No, it's a movie.

[10:45] Yeah.

[10:46] But they're tiny elephants that you see for like a minute.

[10:49] The rock literally picks one up.

[10:50] They taunt it.

[10:51] And then he puts it back down again.

Dan McCoy

[10:54] So...

[10:55] How do they taunt it?

[10:56] Lou Skisman talks about how he wants to keep it and knit it a trunk warmer.

[11:00] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] That's the only animal that is normally large and is small in the movie, right?

[11:04] Every other animal is normally small.

[11:05] No, there's tiny sharks at one point.

[11:07] Yeah.

[11:07] Oh, yeah.

[11:08] Yeah.

[11:08] Right.

[11:09] But the elephants were so much cuter.

[11:12] They got trunks and everything.

[11:13] Okay.

[11:14] So we all agree on that, right?

[11:15] Yeah.

[11:15] The elephants were the cutest thing in the movie.

[11:17] Tiny elephants are cute.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] Tiny elephant is amazingly cute.

[11:19] News flash.

[11:19] Yeah.

[11:20] It goes, tiny elephant, Louise Guzman, Vanessa Hudgens, and then I guess Michael Caine?

[11:25] Yeah.

[11:25] In order of cuteness.

[11:26] Sure.

[11:27] Not necessarily attractiveness, just cuteness.

[11:29] Cuteness.

[11:29] Adorability.

[11:30] Yeah.

[11:31] So they're walking through the forest.

[11:33] Uh-oh.

[11:33] They stumble on a field of giant eggs.

[11:36] Giant lizard eggs.

[11:37] And there's the giant lizard.

[11:38] Ah!

[11:39] It's chasing them around.

[11:40] It's chasing them around.

[11:41] And then a giant-

[11:43] Were we supposed to throw in sound effects there?

[11:44] I mean, Dan, if you could add those in after the fact.

[11:47] Crash.

[11:47] Chainmail.

[11:48] Roar.

[11:48] Lizard sounds.

[11:49] March, march, march.

[11:50] March, march.

[11:50] Running.

[11:50] March, march, march.

[11:51] March, march.

[11:51] Running.

[11:51] Scared.

[11:52] That's sound effects, right?

[11:54] When you just say what's happening.

[11:55] And then a giant log on vines swings by and hits the lizard.

[11:59] Yeah.

[12:00] A la the Ewoks.

[12:02] It was a trap set up by Michael Caine, the boy's grandfather, who sent them the original

[12:08] message to draw them to the mysterious island.

[12:10] It seems he's a Vernian, too, and he discovered this island and wanted to lure his son there,

[12:15] I assume, to kill him?

[12:16] I don't know.

[12:17] Or his grandson.

[12:17] Grandson.

Dan McCoy

[12:19] And I did it in code for some bullshit reason.

[12:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:23] Thank you.

[12:24] Man, how long have we been doing this and you just did the Michael Caine?

[12:27] Still, only now broke out the Mickey, Morris McElwhite.

[12:30] Takes so much out of me, Stuart.

[12:32] That's the thing.

[12:33] Yeah, you only have so much Michael Caine inside you.

[12:34] Yeah.

[12:35] And when I lose it all, I die.

[12:38] It's just like a thousand Michael Caines, the Eddie Murphy movie.

[12:43] There's a bunch of tiny canes.

[12:45] So Michael Caine tells them it's going to be another two weeks until the communication

[12:50] satellite is in a place where we can send another message.

[12:53] Let's explore this island.

[12:54] But then they find the ruins of Atlantis.

[12:56] It's very exciting.

[12:57] But uh-oh.

[12:58] For like two minutes, it's exciting.

[13:01] Because then the rock notices that salt water is leaching up through the soil.

[13:04] Turns out this island is sinking.

[13:06] Michael Caine says, don't worry.

[13:08] It sinks all the time.

[13:09] We have 14 years until it sinks.

[13:10] And doing an amazing amount of mental math, the rock says, nuh-uh.

[13:15] We've got a couple days at the most.

[13:17] We've got to get off this MFN island.

[13:19] He doesn't say MFN.

[13:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:21] But it's implied.

Elliott Kalan

[13:22] Yeah.

[13:23] And it's around.

[13:24] With his posture.

[13:24] It's around here when they're exploring and getting somewhere that maybe the best scene

[13:30] in the movie takes place where the rock says, hey, stepson, I know you've got a crush on Vanessa Hudgens.

[13:38] You are not.

[13:39] That much is clear.

[13:39] You are not sealing the deal with her.

[13:41] Here's how you do it.

[13:42] You have to make your pecs dance up and down.

[13:44] And he does that for like 30 minutes.

[13:47] You just see his pecs dancing.

[13:48] And then he says, flick a berry at me.

[13:50] Come on.

[13:50] And the berries bounce off of him and at the viewer because this movie was originally shown in 3D.

Dan McCoy

[13:55] But he has to really push his stepson to flick one berry at him.

[13:59] And like finally caves in.

Stuart Wellington

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:02] And that's what's great.

[14:02] Like the screenwriters at this point, they're like, OK, we have this great joke.

[14:07] Let's start.

[14:07] Let's work it.

[14:08] Let's work the audience a little bit.

[14:10] We got a berry flying at us.

[14:12] And then what happens, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[14:13] Well, the great thing is he is so like the stepson is so.

[14:18] Let's just give him a name.

[14:19] I think his name is Alex.

[14:20] Seth.

[14:21] Seth.

[14:22] OK.

[14:22] Really?

[14:23] He is so embarrassed by this whole pectoral dance.

[14:26] He does not want to flick a berry.

[14:27] And then into the scene, he's confused.

[14:31] His name was Sean.

[14:32] Sorry.

[14:32] That's OK.

[14:33] We were both wrong.

[14:34] Into the scene, shuffles Louis Guzman, who's like, I'll flick berries at you.

[14:39] He could not be more excited.

Elliott Kalan

[14:40] And he grabs a whole handful.

[14:41] And just throws him.

[14:42] And Dwayne the Rock Johnson is like, yeah, go for it.

[14:45] Do it.

[14:45] Go.

Dan McCoy

[14:46] They're bouncing all over the place.

[14:47] They're bouncing near.

[14:48] They're bouncing there.

[14:49] The last one bounces back into Louis Guzman's mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[14:51] It is the most weirdly subtextual homoerotic scene I've seen in a children's movie in a

[14:57] long time.

Dan McCoy

[14:58] This is not counting later on when they both ride someplace on a giant bee.

[15:02] And Louis Guzman says, can I ride with you?

[15:04] And the Rock looks a little exasperated, but a little excited about it.

[15:07] And then he grims.

Stuart Wellington

[15:09] The naked enthusiasm at this man-on-man relationship is almost, it's infectious.

Elliott Kalan

[15:15] Guzman really brings his A-game to this movie.

[15:17] He is all energy all the time.

[15:20] Constantly selling even lines like, when a lizard is about to eat them and he says, I hope it

[15:26] likes food that just pooped in its pants.

[15:28] Even that, he sells.

[15:30] He is a professional.

[15:31] Bravo to you.

[15:32] Bravo to you, Mr. Guzman.

Dan McCoy

[15:33] I think he at all times seems like a living teddy bear.

[15:36] None more so than this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[15:38] He's gooby, basically, is what you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[15:39] For about 15 minutes in the movie, he's riding on the back of that bee with giant bird shit

[15:44] all over him.

[15:46] And yet...

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] He could not be happier.

[15:48] Yeah, exactly.

[15:48] Okay, so let's get to the bee part, huh?

[15:51] There's a giant volcano that spits gold.

[15:53] Let's not get into that.

[15:54] Seriously, I'm sorry.

[15:56] There's a volcano that spits gold.

[15:57] I didn't even have.

[15:59] A volcano that spits gold.

[16:01] Let's not get into that.

[16:02] They've got to get to the top of a mountain so they can get across the island to find the

[16:07] Nautilus, Captain Nemo's famous submarine, because that's the only way they're going

[16:11] to be able to escape from this island.

[16:12] This mysterious island, if you will.

[16:14] I mean, if it sinks, why don't they just swim away?

[16:16] Because they're in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

[16:18] Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[16:18] Yeah, hundreds of miles from Palau.

[16:20] So they would die.

[16:22] Okay, no, you're right.

[16:22] Okay.

[16:23] Just wanted to make sure you knew that people can't...

Stuart Wellington

[16:25] Why don't they ride on one of those giant bees?

[16:27] Even the bee probably wouldn't go that far.

Dan McCoy

[16:28] The bees can only survive on the mysterious island.

Elliott Kalan

[16:30] And, okay, so they've got to get to the top of this mountain.

[16:33] How are they going to do it?

[16:34] Topless?

[16:35] They've got to get to the top of Topless Mountain.

[16:38] Sounds great.

[16:38] The thing is, the mountain has winds that whip around it that tear the shirts off people's backs.

[16:43] I like it.

[16:44] They've only sent expeditions of busty, bikini-clad women up this mountain.

[16:47] Very sexy expeditions.

[16:48] Some might call it a great bikini off-road adventure.

[16:51] But not the great bikini off-road adventure.

[16:54] And these expeditions are intended to save some kind of a rec center or some kind of a...

[16:56] It's a rec center and a dude ranch and a car wash.

[17:00] All in one.

[17:00] I think it might be a school for special needs children, too.

[17:03] Anyway, so, anywho, as I should say...

[17:06] Sure, thanks.

[17:07] They say, how are we going to get to the top of this mountain?

[17:08] We're going to fly up.

[17:09] And Michael Caine goes, I knew you were good for something to Dwayne Johnson because he's

[17:13] been ragging on Dwayne this whole movie.

[17:15] Of course.

[17:16] And suddenly, Michael Caine is on top of a giant bee just flying around laughing like a

[17:21] madman, like a drunk Santa Claus at a mall.

[17:23] Just like laughing his full head off.

[17:25] Suddenly, they're all riding giant bees, steering them somehow.

[17:29] You yank on the back of their bee heads.

Dan McCoy

[17:32] I guess so.

[17:33] You got one antenna in both hands.

[17:35] Each hand, you know.

[17:37] The left antenna to go left.

[17:39] I don't think that's how bees work.

[17:40] That's the other thing.

Stuart Wellington

[17:42] Listeners.

[17:43] Listeners, go to your backyard.

[17:45] Catch a bee.

[17:45] Start yanking on its antennas and tell us what happens.

[17:49] Just tell us.

[17:50] Yeah, just do it.

[17:51] Just tell us.

Elliott Kalan

[17:51] Or videotape it, I guess.

[17:53] So they're flying giant bees around.

[17:55] But what eats giant bees?

[17:56] Giant birds.

[17:58] So the birds chasing after them.

Dan McCoy

[17:59] That's the giant birds and the bees.

Elliott Kalan

[18:02] Your parents talked to you about it.

[18:04] Your giant parents talked to you about the giant birds and the giant bees.

[18:08] So they're flying around.

[18:10] It's all this high-tech stunting where they've got to use evasive action to get away from these

[18:15] birds.

[18:15] The bees steer amazingly well.

[18:17] They handle like a dream.

[18:19] And at one point, to get these birds off their backs.

Dan McCoy

[18:21] What do they have to do to put you in one of these giant bees?

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] Now, basically, imagine it's the speeder bike chase from-

[18:27] Oh, the pollen undercoating?

[18:27] They put that into the factory.

[18:28] We can't take that out.

Stuart Wellington

[18:29] Basically, just imagine the speeder bike chase from, what is that?

[18:33] Return of the Jedi?

[18:34] Yeah.

[18:34] But instead of speeder bikes, swap in bees.

[18:38] And birds.

[18:39] And, well, yeah, birds instead of stormtroopers.

[18:41] Duh.

Elliott Kalan

[18:41] It was just like that hit movie, Bag That Bird, a.k.a.

[18:45] Catch That Kid.

[18:45] Because let me tell you, the birds wanted to catch that kid.

[18:48] And the kid wanted to bag that bird.

[18:50] And by bag, I mean escape from.

[18:52] So they were chasing each other, flying around.

[18:55] And my favorite part of it is that Michael Caine and Dwayne Johnson have a plan.

[19:01] They're going to play chicken, zooming towards each other, and then steer out of the last

[19:05] minute and let the birds chasing them hit their heads.

[19:07] And they're flying at each other going, ah.

[19:10] And then the bees put on a sudden burst of speed and then get out of the way.

[19:14] And the birds hit each other.

[19:15] And it's like, so what?

[19:17] Did they just turn on the nitro boosters on the bees?

[19:19] Like, did the bees fart and go much faster?

[19:22] Like, how did that happen?

Dan McCoy

[19:23] The two birds explode in a cascade of feathers.

[19:26] They don't, like, explode with flames.

[19:27] Yeah.

[19:28] But, like, there's all these feathers.

[19:29] And, like, the bee, like, zooms out of that with Michael Caine on the back.

[19:34] And I think that was when my wife walked into the room saying, what is going on?

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] This is, let me tell you, I'm sure we've all had the kind of...

Stuart Wellington

[19:41] And what was going on was three grown men sitting on couches giving each other high fives.

Elliott Kalan

[19:46] And the image of an overjoyed Michael Caine laughing like crazy at the back of a bee as he flew

[19:52] through a cloud of feathers.

[19:54] I tell you, sometimes movies are magical.

[19:58] That's why you ask why the Lumiere brothers invented the booby camera.

[20:02] It is for that.

[20:04] So, Melies wishes he had created this scene.

[20:07] Let me tell you.

[20:09] So, anyway, they, uh, long story short, they get split up.

[20:13] Luis Guzman runs off on his own to look for gold because he wants to be able to send his daughter to college.

[20:18] Well, Dwayne and Sean are going to get the Nautilus.

[20:22] And they've got to swim underwater.

[20:23] There's a giant electric eel.

[20:25] They use that to repower the Nautilus.

[20:27] Uh-oh.

[20:28] The island is crumbling and collapsing.

[20:30] Are they going to be able to get to the other heroes in time?

[20:32] Probably not.

[20:33] Probably not.

[20:33] They do.

[20:34] Okay.

[20:34] And, uh...

[20:35] Oh, thank God.

[20:36] And they all escape.

[20:38] And that's pretty much it.

[20:40] Guzman keeps the Nautilus and becomes a rich tour guide leader.

Stuart Wellington

[20:44] And does our young hero, does he get to keep his girlfriend?

[20:49] Vanessa Hudgens is now his girlfriend.

[20:50] Rubian, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[20:51] Yeah, she's moved all the way to the U.S.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] To go to college and be with him.

[20:55] And on his birthday, I guess, he gets a letter in the mail from, uh, where is it from?

[21:01] Cameroon?

[21:02] And he's like, a letter from Cameroon?

[21:04] Who could this be?

[21:05] Oh, it's my grandpa.

[21:06] It's like, yeah, fuck, of course it's your grandpa.

[21:08] Like, he's your weird world explorer grandpa?

[21:11] Who else do you know who's going to be Cameroon?

[21:13] Anyway, so, uh, and then suddenly...

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] Maybe it's a letter from, like, a Cameroon prince asking for...

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] For his bank info?

[21:20] Yeah.

[21:21] Then, third best moment in the movie, after Barry's flicked at Dwayne Johnson's pecs and

[21:26] riding a giant bee through a cloud of feathers, third best moment, Michael Caine walks in,

[21:31] dude it up like a leather bike rider.

[21:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:33] Imagine Rob Halford in, like, 40 years.

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] No, but also, like...

[21:38] But, like, in better shape than Rob Halford's in.

Dan McCoy

[21:40] But the third, like, homoerotic moment in the movie, too.

[21:42] Because it was not like a leather bike rider.

[21:43] I mean, he was like a leather daddy.

[21:45] Like, he was like an elderly leather daddy.

[21:46] I think you're projecting.

[21:47] He was wearing a helmet.

Stuart Wellington

[21:48] I mean, he's...

[21:49] He had a little cap on.

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:50] And a fucking...

[21:51] Like a little fucking strap to slap people with.

Elliott Kalan

[21:54] He wasn't wearing, like, chaps.

[21:55] He didn't have a riding crop or something.

Dan McCoy

[21:57] It wasn't like he...

[21:58] Like, we'd walked into that stereotypical gay bar in the Police Academy movies, is what

[22:02] you're saying.

[22:03] You don't remember that?

[22:04] No, not really.

[22:05] That was a gay bar?

[22:05] That was terrible.

[22:06] It was a terrible...

[22:07] I just thought that was a mustache club.

Elliott Kalan

[22:09] That 80s homophobia.

[22:11] A mustache club.

[22:11] I think that was...

[22:12] Well, that was the scene that was originally meant for cruising.

[22:14] Oh, okay.

[22:15] But it somehow got into the script for Police Academy.

[22:17] Oh, but anyway...

[22:18] So he says, I'll go to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, in his voice.

[22:22] Dan, you do better.

[22:23] But he's like, oh, are you ready for another adventure?

[22:26] Because guess where we're going?

[22:27] And he holds up Jules Verne's, from the earth to the moon.

[22:30] That's right.

[22:31] They're going to go to the moon.

Dan McCoy

[22:33] He said, we're going to the motherfucking moon.

[22:35] That's why he said it.

[22:36] But without the script.

[22:37] And then like a hot guitar lick.

Stuart Wellington

[22:39] Kristen Stewart does a...

[22:43] Wait, is that her name?

[22:44] What's her name?

[22:44] Kristen Davis.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] Yeah, from Sex and the City, plays Sean's mom.

[22:49] So she then does like a spit take or something?

[22:51] She's like, uh-uh, no way.

[22:54] And Dwayne Johnson goes, come on.

[22:55] It's just the moon.

[22:57] Camera zooms back out of the house.

[22:58] Zooms back out of the continent.

[22:59] Zooms back out of the planet.

[23:01] Whips around the moon.

[23:02] We see the moon is there.

[23:04] Which is that supposed to be a reveal?

[23:07] The moon's still there.

[23:08] The existence of the moon is confirmed.

[23:11] And that's the end of the movie.

[23:12] And so I guess Journey 3 of the Moon is going to be the sequel.

[23:16] They have greenlit a sequel.

[23:18] Have they?

[23:19] Yeah.

[23:19] Where I assume they'll either go to the moon or maybe they'll just go around the world in 80 days.

[23:26] Which seems like kind of a letdown.

Stuart Wellington

[23:29] Yeah.

[23:29] I mean, you could do that super easy.

[23:31] Just get on a plane.

[23:32] Yeah.

[23:33] But they're going to go to the...

[23:34] Here's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[23:35] Well, I feel like they can modernize Journey to the center of the Earth.

[23:40] They can modernize the mysterious island.

[23:43] If they modernize from the Earth to the moon, they're just going to go to the moon and be like,

[23:46] there was a bunch of gray dust up there.

[23:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] Not bug aliens that they can frolic with.

Stuart Wellington

[23:52] It should be oversized animals though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:56] If they go to the moon and it turns out on the moon...

[23:58] I mean, that's great.

[23:58] Animals that are normally big on Earth are bigger.

[24:01] And animals that are normally small on Earth are smaller.

[24:03] Wow.

[24:04] Okay.

[24:04] So like turtles are the size of beetles and elephants are the size of skyscrapers.

[24:09] Okay.

[24:10] I mean, that still sounds pretty great.

Dan McCoy

[24:11] I gotta say.

Elliott Kalan

[24:12] Yeah.

[24:13] Also, for some reason, sex is better on the moon.

[24:16] I don't know if they're going to talk about that.

[24:17] It's going to be a weird...

[24:18] Let's go.

[24:18] But it's a waitlist thing.

[24:20] Waitlist?

[24:20] Yeah.

[24:21] Yeah.

[24:21] It's a waitlist thing.

[24:22] It's very hard to get into the moon.

[24:25] And you ain't a lot of...

Dan McCoy

[24:26] Sex is a better way.

[24:27] There's a waitlist to have sex on the moon.

[24:29] You may have a lot of...

[24:30] I'm sorry, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] You may have a lot of extracurriculars.

[24:32] You may be a legacy.

[24:34] You're still going to get waitlisted because a lot of people want to have that moon sex.

[24:37] Look, maybe you got straight A's.

[24:40] Straight A's.

[24:40] You can be the valedictorian.

[24:42] It's a lot of competition.

[24:44] You know, you're better off going to a safety moon for safety sex.

[24:49] Just better chances.

[24:50] Just play the numbers.

[24:51] So, wait.

[24:52] So is this like a weird, like, college sex comedy?

[24:55] Yeah, on the moon.

[24:57] It's called Moon U.

[24:58] Get it?

[24:59] Because it's like they're mooning you, but also Moon University.

Dan McCoy

[25:01] When you're having this moon sex, are you in some sort of, like, dual, like, space suit

[25:06] that covers both of you at the same time?

[25:09] Or is there, like...

[25:10] You're on a moon base.

[25:11] Is there...

Elliott Kalan

[25:12] You can't have sex on the surface of the moon.

[25:13] Actually, you can.

[25:14] They're called fun suits.

[25:15] But, you know, that's...

[25:16] And I would imagine...

[25:17] I would imagine the...

[25:18] There's a little flap, I imagine.

[25:19] Yeah, it's called Moon U.

[25:20] And the tagline is, in space, no one can hear you come.

Stuart Wellington

[25:23] Okay.

[25:23] And the lack of air kind of intensifies the orgasm, right?

[25:27] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:28] I mean, it's like...

[25:28] It means you don't have to strangle yourself.

[25:29] Yeah.

[25:30] It's auto-moonronic.

[25:32] Yeah.

[25:32] It's auto-moon.

[25:33] Yeah.

[25:34] So that was gross.

[25:35] Okay.

[25:36] But I...

[25:37] In the book, I'm kind of curious to see how they would do it.

[25:39] Because in the book, From the Earth to the Moon, they put a giant bullet shell inside of an

[25:44] enormous gun and fired at the moon.

[25:46] And I hate to break it to you guys.

[25:48] That's not a feasible way in these modern times of getting to the moon.

[25:52] So...

[25:52] How do they get back again?

[25:53] Because of the...

[25:54] They just kind of get back in and fall.

[25:56] Okay.

[25:57] I don't remember if they set off an explosion on the moon.

[25:59] I think the bullet just kind of falls back to Earth.

[26:01] Oh, that sounds pretty good.

[26:01] That works.

[26:02] Yeah.

[26:03] That's science.

Stuart Wellington

[26:05] So...

[26:05] We watched this long movie.

[26:08] Now, it wasn't...

[26:08] Was that long?

[26:08] It was originally...

[26:09] It was not long.

[26:09] It was an hour and 34 minutes.

[26:10] It was originally presented in all three dimensions.

[26:13] Do you feel we lost anything watching it in only two?

Elliott Kalan

[26:15] Well, I hate to be a pedant, but we did watch it in three dimensions with height and time.

[26:21] Okay.

[26:22] Just because we didn't have the dimension of death does not mean it was not a three-dimensional movie.

[26:25] If anything, it should have been Journey to the Mysterious Island 4D.

[26:30] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[26:30] Well, pardon me for a second while I drown Elliot in his tub.

[26:35] In what?

Elliott Kalan

[26:37] He's got a cloth and a bathtub over there just for drowning people.

[26:41] Yeah.

[26:41] At least it's a classy bathtub to be drowned in.

[26:43] But yeah, this was originally a 3D movie.

[26:45] What we missed out on was a helicopter flying at our face, berries bouncing off of the rock's chest, bouncing at our face.

[26:51] Into your face.

[26:52] A lizard jumping in our face, birds and bees flying in our face.

[26:55] That kind of stuff.

[26:57] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[26:58] A zoom in on the moon, perhaps?

Elliott Kalan

[27:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:01] Although I don't know how that would work so well exactly in 3D.

[27:03] Because it's not like...

[27:03] Like the moon is flying at your face is what would happen.

[27:06] That's how it would work.

Dan McCoy

[27:07] I also imagine that a lot of the 3D was devoted to Vanessa Hudgens' cleavage.

[27:12] I don't think so.

[27:12] It's a big part of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:14] I don't think really that it's a big part of the movie.

[27:16] It is a big part of this movie.

[27:17] If anything, it's the fact that she wears her shorts really low.

Stuart Wellington

[27:20] Yeah, you kept pointing out those weird lines.

[27:22] What are the way they call those?

[27:23] No, you kept pointing out those lines.

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] You had a horrific, disgusting name for those lines.

[27:27] I just called them pelvic lines.

Dan McCoy

[27:29] I think it is a valid observation to say that this is a modern family film.

[27:35] And one thing that you don't normally get in a modern family film is someone wearing...

Stuart Wellington

[27:38] Wait, it's the movie version of the TV show Modern Family.

[27:40] That sounds fucking great.

Dan McCoy

[27:42] It's an amazing film.

Elliott Kalan

[27:44] It's finally a story that's big enough for whatever that family is that I can't remember their name.

Dan McCoy

[27:48] It's a family film made in our prudish age that has like...

Elliott Kalan

[27:52] Yeah, our prudish, vivid video advertising on billboards in public age.

[27:57] That's a super thing.

[27:57] I feel like either things are pornography or they're scrubbed.

[28:00] No, you're right.

[28:01] Because, for instance, when they do remakes of older movies now, they clean them up.

[28:04] Yeah, they cut out all the sex and things.

[28:06] The remake of Fame, they cleaned it up considerably.

[28:08] The remake of Straw Dogs, which is not a kid's movie, but they still cleaned it up considerably.

Dan McCoy

[28:12] And this is like a straight-head family film.

[28:14] And Vanessa Hudgens is wearing a noticeably low-cut top and tiny shorts through the entire thing.

[28:20] And I feel like the camera lingers on that.

[28:22] Well, it's innocent sexy.

[28:23] It's like a Frank Tashlin film.

[28:24] Yeah, sure.

Stuart Wellington

[28:25] And I think the ladies get some, too.

[28:27] Dude, Dwayne The Rock Johnson is fucking...

[28:29] Yeah, dude, he's peck dance.

[28:30] He flexes pecks a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] And Luis Guzman, you got both worlds.

Stuart Wellington

[28:34] You got the hunky hero.

[28:36] And the cuddly teddy bear.

[28:37] And then you got the cuddly teddy bear genius.

[28:39] I don't think he was a genius.

[28:41] He was kind of a stupid character.

[28:41] But he was not a genius.

[28:43] No, he thought gold would be worth a lot of money.

[28:45] And then he's rich at the end of the movie.

[28:47] That's not genius.

Dan McCoy

[28:48] That's something everyone knows.

[28:50] Yeah, and he doesn't even get the gold.

[28:51] He's rich because of the Nautilus tourists.

[28:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:54] The Nautilus that he didn't find, right?

[28:57] Well, no.

[28:58] I don't know why he got to keep it.

Dan McCoy

[29:00] Because he was so good at driving it.

[29:01] But he almost killed them.

[29:02] It's like a submarine chooses its owner.

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] Is that how it is?

[29:06] Yeah.

[29:07] It's like a black stallion.

[29:08] Like a magic sword.

[29:09] Exactly.

[29:10] So the Nautilus is like the sword in the stone.

[29:12] Exactly.

[29:13] One thing I'll mention that's not really related to the movie is that during the watching of this film.

[29:18] I was going to say the making of this film.

[29:19] What?

[29:20] During the watching, I came up with a term to describe Ewoks that I liked, which was teddy bear cavemen.

Stuart Wellington

[29:27] You did come up with that.

[29:29] So listeners, write that down.

[29:32] Teddy bear cavemen.

[29:32] You'll know I invented it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] And I'll get a shiny nickel every time.

[29:40] Yeah.

[29:41] So this is a pretty, this was a pretty colorful cartoony movie that moved really fast.

[29:46] I got to say.

[29:47] Until the end.

[29:48] The ending, it got kind of boring.

Dan McCoy

[29:50] Yeah.

[29:50] Well, there's a little soul searching at the end.

[29:52] Which it didn't need.

Elliott Kalan

[29:53] For considering this a movie where they just ride around on giant bees, you didn't need soul searching.

Dan McCoy

[29:58] Although soul searching did lead to the other thing that I never expected to see in a movie, which was Dwayne the Rock Johnson playing the ukulele and singing a song about flying around on giant bees.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] Maybe we forgot to mention this part is that Sean, the kid, hurts his leg.

[30:13] And in order to take his mind off the pain, Michael Caine has, Michael Caine says that music is nature's painkiller, which is not true.

[30:21] And he has Dwayne Johnson.

[30:22] Painkillers are nature's painkillers.

[30:23] They have a ukulele because Louise Guzman plays the ukulele.

[30:26] And Dwayne Johnson plays the ukulele and sings, I guess, a parody version of What a Wonderful World with lyrics tailored to the adventures they've had up to that point.

[30:34] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[30:35] It's probably on the CD soundtrack, right?

[30:37] Oh, I have to assume.

[30:38] Yeah, from Electra Records.

[30:39] Try it on iTunes.

[30:41] It's on Relapse Records.

[30:43] So, yeah.

[30:46] So there's also a scene where Louise Guzman, while standing on a giant lizard egg, falls inside and then has a moment where he yells at a baby lizard.

[30:55] An unborn baby lizard, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] I mean, Louise Guzman is delightful.

[31:00] He's just really, he's likable through almost the whole movie.

[31:03] Probably the best character.

[31:03] Even when he's being stupid.

[31:04] He's an American treasure.

Stuart Wellington

[31:06] He is an American treasure.

[31:07] I think I could have watched more of a movie of Dwayne Johnson and Louise Guzman getting an adventure.

[31:13] The two of them.

[31:14] And mismatched buddies.

Elliott Kalan

[31:14] I have to say, like, I've never been a huge fan of Dwayne Johnson, but he has an undeniable charisma.

[31:19] And in this, he's like a really fun guy to watch in a movie.

[31:22] And he manages to carve out this character who is not a big, strong, dumb guy.

[31:27] And he's not, like, a know-it-all.

[31:29] He's, like, a very competent adult who, like, is a big, strong guy.

[31:35] But he never uses his strength in the entire movie, pretty much.

[31:38] Like, you could have Dustin Hoffman play the same role, basically, and you wouldn't have to tailor it too much, except for the peck scene would obviously get cut or made longer.

[31:48] But, like, Dwayne Johnson is just very, like, likable and plays a character who is very likable.

[31:54] And it helps cover up the fact that the kid, Sean, is a total cipher and not interesting at all.

[32:00] But, like, if the sequel was just Louise Guzman and Dwayne Johnson just having an adventure, like, that'd be awesome.

[32:06] Like, that'd be a great TV series.

[32:07] Yeah, go to the moon.

[32:08] We call it adventure.

[32:08] I'll follow.

[32:09] Here's the TV show.

[32:10] Just lead.

[32:11] Here's the TV show.

[32:12] We call it Adventure Buddies.

[32:14] Okay.

[32:14] It's Louise Guzman, Dwayne Johnson.

[32:16] They have adventures.

[32:17] Sometimes they don't have adventures.

[32:18] Maybe their adventure is just going to the supermarket.

[32:20] It's an everyday adventure.

[32:21] Maybe they've got to return a library book before the library closes.

[32:23] And that's based on Everyday Adventures by Jules Verne, right?

[32:26] Yeah, it was during Jules Verne's very Seinfeld-inspired phase when he just wanted to write about everyday things.

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:34] There's that episode where – episode.

[32:36] There's that volume where Captain Nemo has to wait for a table in a Chinese restaurant.

[32:41] It's terrible.

[32:41] Very funny, though.

Stuart Wellington

[32:43] He had –

[32:43] It would really weigh on his status as a Sikh Hindu guy or whatever.

[32:51] He's a prince.

[32:52] A Sikh Hindu guy.

Elliott Kalan

[32:54] Two different religions.

[32:55] He is a prince.

[32:56] No, it's basically the same thing, right?

[32:57] Well, they go with the Indian version of Nemo and not the Polish version of Nemo.

[33:01] There's two different versions of Captain Nemo.

[33:03] What?

[33:05] What?

[33:05] That's right.

[33:06] There are two different Nemos.

[33:07] You might even say there's Nemo than you expected.

[33:10] No, I wouldn't say that.

Dan McCoy

[33:14] Especially because it barely makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[33:15] Hey, Mo Nemos, Mo Problems.

[33:18] That's what I'm saying.

Dan McCoy

[33:18] When you're standing around the water cooler, you could say that all the time.

[33:21] When the character, Captain Nemo, comes up around the water cooler, I'll be sure to make the joke.

Elliott Kalan

[33:27] Hey, Nemo Problems.

[33:28] Nemo Money, Nemo Problems.

[33:30] He'll be like, oh, I'm so tired of that.

[33:33] Hey, I found Nemo.

[33:34] Found him, everybody.

[33:35] I found Nemo.

Dan McCoy

[33:36] Every time 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea comes up, it makes the same joke.

Elliott Kalan

[33:40] Well, that reminds me of the great Saturday Night Live sketch where everyone's misinterpreting the phrase 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

[33:47] 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

[33:48] So we're 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

[33:51] No, we are traveling 20,000 Leagues while we're under the sea.

[33:55] What a funny sketch.

[33:57] Based on a very small misunderstanding.

Dan McCoy

[34:00] Tiny misunderstanding about the way.

Elliott Kalan

[34:02] About the title of a 19th century book.

[34:04] About depth versus length.

[34:06] So anyway, journey to the center of the invisible world.

Dan McCoy

[34:09] We should move on to our final judgments on this.

[34:11] Was this a good, bad movie?

[34:12] A bad, bad movie?

[34:13] A movie you kind of liked?

[34:14] Elliot, go.

Elliott Kalan

[34:15] You know what?

[34:16] To be honest with myself, I have to say a movie I kind of liked.

[34:19] It was really goofy and cartoony and stupid and not like a really good movie.

[34:24] But on the other hand, I enjoyed almost all of it.

[34:26] It showed me things I never thought I'd see in a movie such as Michael Caine riding a giant bee.

[34:30] And Dwayne Johnson picking up a tiny elephant and then just putting it back down again.

[34:34] And even the part with the dancing pecs, which I did not like when I saw the trailer for this movie.

[34:38] In the movie, the movie knows that this is a stupid, crazy thing it's doing.

[34:42] So, yeah, I kind of enjoyed it.

Dan McCoy

[34:45] Yeah, there's so much delight from Louis Guzman.

[34:47] He could not be happy.

Elliott Kalan

[34:48] This is one of the few movies we've watched.

[34:50] It's buried.

[34:51] It's his naked enthusiasm.

[34:52] It's like the innocence of a child.

[34:54] One of the few movies we've watched from Flophouse where I feel like the people involved in it at some point must have felt good about themselves.

[35:02] Whereas most of the movies we see, the people involved seem to hate themselves in some way.

[35:06] Some sort of deep shame.

Dan McCoy

[35:07] But what about you, Dan or Stuart?

[35:09] I would say that I actually also like this movie.

[35:12] I mean, it was very – it was short.

[35:16] But that doesn't mean – like, you know, a lot of movies that we watch, we think, okay, this is 90 minutes long.

[35:21] It will go by like a breeze.

[35:23] And then it just seems like a slog.

[35:25] Passion Play was 90 minutes long.

[35:26] And it felt like it was 100 hours.

[35:27] This movie moved along very quickly with its plot developments.

[35:31] And there was always something sort of interesting going on.

[35:34] And if there wasn't, something new would come along next.

[35:37] And I like seeing a movie with big monsters running around.

[35:40] I like seeing a movie with cleavage running around.

[35:44] I like seeing a movie –

[35:45] She's like 14, Dan.

[35:46] She's not 14.

[35:48] Maybe 11.

[35:49] She's like 23 in this movie at least.

Elliott Kalan

[35:53] She hasn't gone to college yet?

[35:55] Well, her father can't afford it.

[35:56] She wants to go to the Palau State.

[35:59] But I'm with a fight in Palauans.

Dan McCoy

[36:00] This woman is a movie teenager, which means that she's in her mid-20s.

[36:03] Yeah, or in her 40s.

Stuart Wellington

[36:05] But, yeah, I thought this movie was actually kind of fun.

[36:07] And I enjoyed it.

[36:09] Stuart?

[36:09] Yeah, I mean, I agree.

[36:11] Everything you've said, I agree with.

[36:14] Louis Guzman, amazing.

[36:17] Vanessa Hudgens.

[36:18] Yeah, sure.

[36:18] She's got dimples.

[36:21] Around every corner, there's new vistas to explore.

Elliott Kalan

[36:25] I will say, a lot of the effects are really obvious, kind of cheesy CGI, which works here

[36:30] because you're not supposed to take it too seriously.

[36:31] So watch it in super HD.

[36:34] Stuart kept saying throughout the movie, where did they shoot this?

[36:36] It's beautiful.

[36:38] I want to visit this place.

Stuart Wellington

[36:39] Where do they find this field of giant lizard eggs to fall on?

[36:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:45] Well, if you build it, they will come.

[36:48] That was the lesson of Field of Giant Lizard Eggs.

[36:50] Starting Kevin Costner.

[36:51] Starting Kevin Costney.

[36:53] So...

[36:54] Wait, what?

[36:54] I was just changing his name up.

[36:56] To an egg name?

[36:58] To an egg name.

[36:59] Yeah.

[36:59] Kevin Ostridge.

Dan McCoy

[37:02] Before we get into letters, I've got a few pieces of business to...

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] Best part of the show, but not yet.

[37:08] Sweep up.

[37:09] Best part of the show.

[37:10] Wait a minute.

[37:11] Dan's got something that he's got to do.

[37:14] I don't know what it is.

[37:16] So let's hear what it is in a minute.

[37:19] Go ahead, Dan.

[37:20] But first...

Dan McCoy

[37:20] Let's do...

[37:21] I'd like to first thank Dimitri T. Jessup W.

[37:25] Rawr!

[37:26] Yeah!

[37:27] And Robert...

[37:28] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[37:29] Dan, hold on a second.

[37:30] The house cat is here.

[37:31] Okay.

[37:32] Hello, house cat.

[37:34] Oh, he left.

[37:35] He walked out.

Dan McCoy

[37:36] Rawr!

[37:37] He's back again.

[37:40] No, I'd like to thank Dimitri T. Jessup W.

[37:42] And especially Robert D. for their generous donations.

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] Thank you very much, all of you.

[37:47] One and all.

[37:48] Thanks for helping us make this world go round.

[37:50] Just a few minutes more.

[37:52] Whatever that means.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] I've realized that in...

[37:55] It's been a long time since we've...

[37:57] It's been a long time.

[37:58] Since we've actually...

[37:59] Getting from there to here.

[38:01] All right.

[38:02] Stop singing your Star Trek themes.

[38:03] It's been a long time...

[38:04] Sorry.

[38:05] Since we've actually mentioned a few things on the show.

[38:09] One of which is the website address.

[38:11] Okay.

[38:11] We have a website.

[38:12] www.flophousepodcast.com where you can go and see show notes and see plugs for other

[38:20] things that we're doing and get a link to the Facebook page where we have a rich and engaged

[38:25] fan community.

[38:26] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:26] The floppies on the Facebook are always ready to discuss anything.

[38:30] They're a bunch of great folks and they make crazy jokes up and I love talking to them.

[38:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:33] So you should too.

[38:34] And you can also find a link to the Flophouse wiki which is...

Stuart Wellington

[38:39] If you ever want to stir up a really intense conversation about DuckTales, Nicolas Cage...

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] The Sight and Sound Top Ten list or what Dan is.

Dan McCoy

[38:51] Just go to the Flophouse Facebook page.

[38:53] They just really want to insult me in a way that seems funny at the time but just chips

[38:58] away at my self-esteem over the years.

[38:59] The Flophouse Facebook page is a safe place to do that.

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] And the Flophouse wiki is, as always, wonderful.

[39:06] Well worth spending a couple hours or a couple hundred hours exploring.

[39:09] Especially if you're new.

[39:10] Or like 10 million hours.

Dan McCoy

[39:12] It'll clue you in on some old in-jokes.

Elliott Kalan

[39:15] Either that or it will confuse you further about those in-jokes.

[39:17] But for the very least, you'll find the plot for my screenplay pitch, Million Dollar Getaway,

[39:22] which I'm still willing to sell to Hollywood for $700,000.

Dan McCoy

[39:26] And I also wanted to mention the Flophouse email.

[39:28] The longest email in podcasting, which is theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

Elliott Kalan

[39:35] Theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

[39:38] Any dashes or spaces?

[39:40] No.

[39:40] All one long word.

[39:41] Terrible email address.

[39:42] One very long word.

[39:43] Are we plugging stuff now or should we wait later?

[39:45] We should wait until later.

[39:46] Okay.

[39:46] After the letters, we'll do some plugs.

Dan McCoy

[39:49] People have probably turned off their podcast machines already.

[39:52] They're called iPhones.

[39:54] But we'll move on to letters.

[39:57] This first one is from Stefan, last name withheld.

[40:00] I assume the last name is Urkel.

Elliott Kalan

[40:02] Possibly.

[40:03] It's a letter from Stefan Urkel, the cool version of Steve Urkel that he gets when he drinks a potion

[40:07] or he gets into a machine or some shit.

Stuart Wellington

[40:09] Yeah.

[40:10] So wait.

[40:10] It's cooler than Steve Urkel.

[40:12] But that guy's really smart and gets really good grades, Elliot.

[40:14] Shouldn't he be cool?

[40:16] Hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Well, let me explain some things to you, Stuart, after the podcast.

Dan McCoy

[40:19] This is an apt email for tonight's movie.

[40:23] It's titled 3D or not 3D?

Elliott Kalan

[40:24] It's titled, Why don't you guys watch Journey to the Mysterious Island?

[40:28] Well, we did, Stefan.

[40:29] Thanks.

Dan McCoy

[40:30] Why don't you go fuck yourself?

[40:32] Whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[40:32] Whoa.

[40:33] Whoa.

[40:34] You are putting words in my mouth that I thought but did not say.

Dan McCoy

[40:37] So this is titled 3D or not 3D?

[40:40] 3D, of course.

[40:41] Truthiest of letters.

[40:42] The truthiest of letters.

[40:42] The truthiest of representatives of the House of Flop.

[40:44] Thank you.

[40:45] I've been a long time fan of the podcast and have gone through the entire archive several times.

[40:49] You never fail to entertain with your fantastic movie pitches.

[40:52] Growing list of original Batman villains.

[40:54] Discussion on the intricacies of DuckTales.

[40:57] And, of course, words that sound like other words.

[40:59] That's what we do.

[41:01] Recently, I was helping my parents pick out a new TV.

[41:04] Like all other mundane tasks, this reminded me of the Flophouse.

[41:08] My father, who unironically loves bad movies and is unaware of their crappitudiny, wanted a new television with 3D displaying possibilities.

[41:17] As the original Peaches may have noticed, many recent flops have been released in 3D.

[41:21] Much like tonight's.

[41:22] To help the failing movie industry get more butts in theater seats.

[41:25] As most people seem to prefer watching movies in the comfort of their own home to sitting in an overpriced movie theater.

[41:30] I would say it's really more to squeeze extra dollars out of ticket sales.

[41:33] It's basically the same thing, though.

[41:35] Nope.

Stuart Wellington

[41:36] Have you floppers considered upgrading your movie watching setup?

[41:40] Why don't they do some kind of a deal where when you buy a ticket, you get a free bag of popcorn?

[41:44] Well, popcorn is where the movie theaters make their profits.

[41:47] Very innovative.

[41:48] So what if you buy a bag of popcorn and you get to see a movie for free?

[41:52] Again, then the studio doesn't make any money.

Dan McCoy

[41:55] Anyway.

[41:55] We'll hash this out.

[41:56] Those are both unfeasible.

[41:58] Have you floppers considered upgrading your movie watching setup to be able to watch your beloved bad movies in shitty post-conversion 3D,

[42:06] the way marketing executives intended them to be seen?

[42:09] I'm thinking specifically of movies like Drive Angry 3D, rated R, or the inevitable and justified flop house entry Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance.

[42:17] So basically anything with 3D with Nicolas Cage in his vast array of wigs.

Elliott Kalan

[42:20] So this movie, this letter was written before we watched Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance.

[42:24] A blast from the flop past.

[42:26] If so.

[42:26] It's like the past is talking to the future.

Stuart Wellington

[42:29] It's like that episode of the Saved by the Bell where they unearth that.

[42:31] The Saved by the Bell.

[42:32] Oh, God.

[42:33] Someday I'll make it through an entire letter.

Elliott Kalan

[42:34] Oh, I remember that time capsule episode from the old, and they bury their own at the end, right?

Stuart Wellington

[42:38] Yeah, and they're the only ones who get to contribute.

[42:40] I feel so bad about for all the other students who don't get to contribute.

Elliott Kalan

[42:43] The subtext of Saved by the Bell is it's just like the Twilight Zone episode, It's a Good Life.

[42:48] Zach, Kelly, Screech, Slater, and Jesse, our heroes, and Lisa, have mind powers that allow them to change reality.

[42:54] They cut Bayside off from the rest of the universe a long time ago, and they run that place.

[42:59] That's how they can go into Mr. Belding's office whenever they want.

[43:01] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[43:02] And can't Zach Moore stop time?

[43:04] Okay, well, things will make more sense if you don't interrupt the middle of letters.

[43:07] And a homeless man in his house.

Dan McCoy

[43:09] But instead, wait until after the letter.

[43:11] So read it.

[43:12] Meaningless digression.

[43:13] No, I can't when you're talking over me.

[43:15] If so, what would it take for you to make the switch to 3D, and would it involve an eccentric millionaire, and how would boxing alligators figure into the equation?

[43:23] Oh, good question.

[43:23] Very good question.

[43:24] That's from Stefan Lasting withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] Well, if we found an eccentric millionaire who boxed alligators, a la The Happiest Millionaire, then I think maybe Dan would take a 3D TV.

[43:33] But Dan, you actually have some TV news.

Dan McCoy

[43:35] He just got a new TV.

[43:36] I did upgrade the television.

[43:37] I avoided a 3D television.

[43:39] And why?

[43:40] What was you thinking behind that?

[43:41] Because they're terrible.

[43:43] They make everything look awful.

[43:45] But why else?

[43:46] Well, but on top of that, I...

[43:47] Elaborate.

[43:48] In the process of buying a new television, like, it's no secret to long-time listeners that I live in a Brooklyn apartment.

[43:55] And Brooklyn apartments are not huge.

[43:57] Spacious.

[43:57] By and large.

[43:58] Speak for yourself.

[43:58] I live in a palace.

[43:59] You do live in a palace, but...

Elliott Kalan

[44:01] A golden palace with the three surviving golden girls.

[44:03] You've been a television writer longer than I have, so...

[44:05] I have only one surviving golden girl.

[44:07] Oh, my God.

[44:08] I've got two golden girl corpses in my apartment.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] But I found in the course of shopping for a new television that you no longer can get a reasonable-sized TV.

[44:19] They only make the big ones.

[44:20] They only make big ones.

[44:21] They either make, like, small ones that you're supposed to put in your kitchen, because apparently you have to watch television while you're in your kitchen now.

[44:27] I grew up in a house with a TV in a kitchen, okay?

Elliott Kalan

[44:30] So we're not crazy.

[44:31] We're not hill people, all right?

[44:32] We're not monsters just because we have a TV in the kitchen.

[44:35] Yeah, it's not like you're watching the TV and, like, burning your hands on hot french fry grease.

[44:39] Why would you need that?

[44:40] Look, if the other TV is in my parents' room and my sister has friends over and they're in the basement, where am I going to watch USA Up all night but on the kitchen TV?

[44:47] But the point is, like...

[44:48] I rest my case.

Dan McCoy

[44:49] You can't get a television that fits in a reasonable apartment size anymore.

[44:55] You have to get, like, a 50-inch fucking whale.

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] Well, they want you to mount it on your wall.

[44:59] Yeah.

[45:01] 50 inches would actually be very small for a whale, but continue.

Dan McCoy

[45:03] But that's where, like, you get into all these crazy accoutrements, which I don't want in the first place.

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] Yeah.

[45:10] So we're left with two options.

[45:11] Either this giant TV and we have to sit in somebody else's apartment and watch it through the window.

[45:17] Or this teeny little TV and Elliot has to sit on my lap and Dan has to kind of snuggle in there.

Elliott Kalan

[45:22] Wait, I don't understand why we're squeezing together when the TV is so small there's more room in the room.

Stuart Wellington

[45:26] We need to get closer to it.

[45:28] I don't understand either, but Stuart says it's the only way.

[45:30] All right.

[45:31] Well, let me get on your lap.

[45:32] So today we watched Journey 2 in somebody else's apartment while your wife, Sarah, held a cell phone up to the speaker and we could listen to it.

[45:43] It worked great.

[45:44] It was kind of in three dimensions.

Elliott Kalan

[45:45] I would say I still am having – and maybe it's because I'm an old-time fuss budget and a curmudgeon.

[45:51] But I have trouble believing that 3D television really is the way of the future because the things that are on television are not shot so as to look good in 3D.

[46:00] And I don't mean just like –

[46:01] Hannah McQuinn's face in True Blood.

[46:04] I don't mean they're not taking advantage of the depth of field.

[46:06] I mean like you don't get a lot of shows that have full-figure people walking around and like – are you going to want to see a big 3D close-up of like Drew Carey's face or like the characters on True Blood or whatever?

[46:18] No, of course not.

[46:19] Even sports are not going to look good in 3D.

[46:21] You know, it's – I think 3D TVs is a fad unless they somehow change the way television is shot and presented.

Stuart Wellington

[46:28] And the first thing I imagine when they present these 3D TVs where guys have to wear – like you have to wear like a set of glasses to watch it.

[46:35] Yeah.

[46:35] These guys getting up to go to the bathroom and like bumping their legs on their coffee table and –

Elliott Kalan

[46:39] Or bumping their legs on the TV people that are now three dimensions.

[46:42] Yeah, exactly.

[46:43] I also, just to be myself, not a huge fan of 3D movies.

[46:46] I find it makes my head hurt and it makes it harder for me to take in the whole screen as one composed image.

Stuart Wellington

[46:51] So no thank you, Beowulf 3D.

[46:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:54] That was one of the better ones.

[46:55] So this next one is recommendation from Paul, last name withheld.

[46:59] Paul Lind.

[47:00] I admit I'm going to read it mostly for the postscripts.

[47:04] Sure.

[47:04] So keep tuned in.

[47:06] Okay.

[47:06] I wanted to send you a quick recommendation.

[47:08] I recently watched Gareth Edwards' little scene 2010 film Monsters, which while not perfect, is an interesting contrast to films like Cloverfield or, insert Dan style, Psy, Godzilla.

[47:20] It's contemplative and thoughtful while those are frenetic.

[47:23] Apologies if you've already seen it, but I thought I'd suggest it just in case.

[47:27] P.S.

[47:28] Dan, I thought you'd like to know that my wife, when hearing the podcast, said that the sad-sounding fellow who steered the conversation was her favorite.

[47:37] P.P.S.

[47:38] Okay, that's a lie.

[47:40] What she actually said was, huh, and hasn't listened to another episode.

Stuart Wellington

[47:44] It sounds like Elliot's wife.

Dan McCoy

[47:45] P.P.S.

[47:46] Except for the listening to the episode part.

[47:48] P.P.P.S.

[47:49] But to head off Dan's inevitable question, yes, my wife has a nice ass.

[47:54] Paul, last name was hell.

Elliott Kalan

[47:56] Paul, it's amazing how well you predicted Dan's mind at that point.

[47:59] Thank you for your ass news.

[48:03] I have, as usual, that should be sent to theflophouseasscast at gmail.com, but understandable.

[48:10] Since Dan does talk about wives' asses on this show.

[48:12] I did it once.

Stuart Wellington

[48:13] I did it once.

[48:15] While we were watching the movie, he talked about that ass.

[48:18] Vanessa Hudgens'?

[48:19] No, the other one, Kristen...

[48:21] Michael Caines?

[48:22] That was Elliot!

Dan McCoy

[48:23] You're now attributing things that Elliot said to me.

[48:25] You agreed with what I said, though.

[48:27] Just because...

[48:28] Yeah, but I thought it in my brain.

[48:29] I said, and I quote...

Elliott Kalan

[48:31] I said it like two seconds before you were going to say it.

[48:32] I said, and I quote, Kristen Davis has a nice caboose.

[48:36] And you said, I was just thinking the same thing.

[48:39] Although, I don't know if you were thinking the word caboose.

Dan McCoy

[48:41] Yeah, I wasn't as charmingly old-timey about it.

[48:45] But Monsters is an interesting movie.

Stuart Wellington

[48:49] On the subject of wife asses, Monsters is a good movie.

[48:53] Thanks.

Dan McCoy

[48:54] So, this is from Flophouse superfan, Remy Lastname withheld.

[48:58] Hi, Remy.

[48:59] She says, the universe cries in agony because of this unexplored avenue of comedy.

[49:05] Uh-oh.

[49:05] When I heard you mention that the house cat is practicing for a Shakespeare play, I was expecting

[49:10] a patented Flophouse tangent.

[49:12] I think you forgot that we forget things as soon as we say them.

[49:14] The entirety of creation was sorely disappointed when no such tangent materialized.

[49:18] God damn it, guys.

[49:20] Now all of creation is in a state of chaos.

[49:22] I demand you rectify this.

[49:24] The scales of time cannot be off balance for more than two months.

[49:28] Otherwise, the gates of eternity will collapse.

[49:30] Very true.

[49:30] P.S.

[49:31] Hey, Stuart.

[49:31] What did you think of The Dark Knight Rises?

[49:33] Does it compare well to Castle Freak?

[49:35] When you think about it, Batman lives in a mansion, which is kind of a castle.

[49:39] Yeah.

[49:39] Also, Batman's kind of a freak because he's a weirdo who dresses up like a bat.

[49:43] Is he a better castle freak than the original?

[49:45] I think the answer to that.

[49:45] The question then is, does Batman rip his own ding dong off?

Stuart Wellington

[49:48] The answer is yes, just like in the original movie, Castle Freak.

[49:53] Directed by Stuart Gordon, starring one Jeffrey Combs.

[49:57] Would Batman be a better castle freak than me?

[50:00] Yes.

[50:00] Would he be a better castle freak than the actual freak?

[50:03] No, of course.

[50:04] I'm sorry, Remy.

[50:05] It's a nice try.

Dan McCoy

[50:06] You didn't put that one over on me.

[50:09] But this Shakespeare play.

Elliott Kalan

[50:12] Yeah, I forgot that the house cat was...

[50:15] What, like a King Lear type figure?

[50:18] Cat Lear, it's called.

[50:20] He divides up the litter box between his three kittens, thinking to love him more.

[50:24] But in fact, two of them, Catterall and Re-Cat, love him less.

[50:29] And of Cascat Delia, always loved him, but wouldn't make a big show of it.

[50:34] And there's all the others.

[50:35] There's the subplots with the two twin brothers, Catward and Catmund.

[50:38] And of course, Puster, their father.

Stuart Wellington

[50:41] Okay, so everybody, you're welcome.

[50:44] I just gave you a chance to see how much stuff L.A. knows about Shakespeare.

Elliott Kalan

[50:48] Well, King Lear I know quite a bit about, but some of the other ones.

[50:51] Don't ask me to do any Timone of Athens stuff.

[50:53] Oh, no.

[50:54] No Coriolanus riffs from you.

[50:56] Except that Timone of Athens is the only Shakespeare play to star a meerkat.

[51:02] Timone of Athens.

[51:06] Okay, good stuff.

[51:07] Moving on.

[51:07] Ran at a guess on that one.

[51:09] Should have stopped it at Cat Lear.

[51:10] Woo!

Dan McCoy

[51:11] This letter is from John, last name withheld.

[51:14] Hey, John.

[51:15] Hi, John.

[51:16] Thanks for writing in.

[51:17] It's a letter titled, Elliot doesn't know what a Zeppeli is.

[51:21] And it goes on to say, what kind of New York podcast is this?

[51:25] P.S.

[51:26] Write a pilot for Thiefius and Stelios TV series and I'll be forgiven.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] Okay, I'll work on that pilot.

[51:32] As for Zeppeli's, that was a food thing, right?

[51:35] Yeah.

[51:36] I don't give a rat's everything.

Dan McCoy

[51:38] It's Italian fried dough.

Elliott Kalan

[51:40] Yeah, but you ever been to a street fair in New York?

[51:42] I avoid them because that's not where I want to buy my underwear, socks, or funnel cakes.

Dan McCoy

[51:46] But they have the softest socks.

[51:48] The sign says that the socks are the softest.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] Look, it's rare that I'm in the market for mismatched socks, bras with holes in them, or gyros.

[51:59] So, you know.

[51:59] How about watercolor paintings of the New York skyline?

[52:03] Nope, don't want that either.

[52:05] All right.

[52:06] Or t-shirts for local bands.

[52:08] Okay.

[52:09] So, yeah.

[52:10] To each their own.

[52:11] And I'm not a fan of, I don't know anything about Zeppeli's.

[52:13] Of course, Zeppeli Marx, I'm familiar with.

[52:15] The least funny of the Marx Brothers.

[52:17] Sure.

[52:18] But the most fried.

Dan McCoy

[52:20] Delicious.

[52:20] And this last Flophouse letter comes from Dan, last name disclosed, Berube, or Berube.

[52:29] And it's titled.

[52:30] Yeah.

[52:30] Way to disclose that name, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[52:32] McCoy.

[52:32] I'm making fun of Dan McCoy here.

[52:34] Not you, Dan.

[52:34] He doesn't have a phonetic.

Dan McCoy

[52:35] Dan Berube or Beruba.

[52:37] If he really wanted to disclose his last name, he would have had a phonetic spelling.

[52:41] But, uh.

[52:41] As someone whose last name is mispronounced all the time, I sympathize with him.

[52:46] And thank you for writing.

[52:47] And thank you for writing and listening.

[52:49] His letter is titled, Vindication.

[52:52] Dear the Flophouse, as the guy who wrote that Ding Dong Gate letter almost a year ago.

[52:57] Oh, God.

[52:58] I would like to thank Dan McCoy for having the courage to support my campaign for the truth.

Stuart Wellington

[53:03] Courage.

[53:03] He's not Rosa Parks.

Dan McCoy

[53:04] There is no Ding Dong ripping in Castle Freak.

[53:08] Mr. Wellington, the American and Canadian people have spoken.

[53:11] Dan, you are truly the Bernstein to my Woodward.

[53:14] And for that, I thank you.

[53:15] Stuart, that makes you Richard Nixon.

[53:17] And Elliot, I guess you're Ben Stein.

[53:19] Okay.

[53:19] So I look forward to your hilarious game show and misguided climate change documentary.

Elliott Kalan

[53:24] Well, my life goal is really the clear eyes commercials.

[53:28] Yeah.

[53:28] I've always dreamed of turning on a shower head over a beach ball, just like Ben Stein.

Stuart Wellington

[53:33] If the end result of me telling you that a dude rips his own dick off in a movie got you to watch Castle Freak,

[53:40] then I've done a service to both you, Dan.

[53:44] Dan, who I'm sure was sitting here at two in the afternoon, furiously writing down the time on his DVD player

[53:50] for when that scene actually happened so he could prove to me that it didn't happen.

[53:56] I did you all a service.

[53:58] And you know what?

[53:59] That makes me pretty great.

[54:00] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[54:01] I'm not quite sure why I was Ben Stein in that scenario.

[54:04] At the very least, I should be like Spiro Agnew.

[54:08] Gerald Ford.

[54:09] How about a McNamara?

[54:11] A McNamara?

[54:12] Just one of them?

[54:13] I mean, just one of the many McNamaras littering the floor?

[54:16] Just lying around?

[54:17] Pick up any McNamara.

[54:18] It doesn't matter.

[54:19] You'll be that one.

Stuart Wellington

[54:22] So, we all got a little bit of burned in that letter segment.

[54:26] Yeah, we did.

[54:26] Those letters took no prisoners.

Elliott Kalan

[54:30] That was a rough one.

[54:30] I got attached for that.

[54:31] There's a distinct lack of respect among the fans.

[54:33] Something tells me we have engendered this among the fans.

Stuart Wellington

[54:36] You know, they're always keeping us on our toes, guys.

[54:39] Yeah.

[54:39] Can't be slouches.

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] It isn't always letters written by Dan about how great Dan is.

Dan McCoy

[54:47] So, this final segment of the show is where we recommend movies that we usually have seen recently.

[54:53] Not necessarily.

[54:54] But movies that we like in contrast to the usual dross we watch.

[54:58] Although, we all kind of enjoy Journey 2.

[55:00] Ooh, dross.

[55:01] Ooh, well.

[55:03] Look at Alfred Lord Tennyson over here.

[55:05] Stuart, is there a movie you would like to recommend?

Stuart Wellington

[55:08] I do.

[55:08] This afternoon, before I drank a bunch of beers, I sat in my living room and watched The Raid, colon, Redemption.

[55:17] I want to see that.

[55:18] That was for American release.

[55:20] Which is, I guess, Indonesian?

[55:24] No matter.

[55:25] It's a great movie about a bunch of SWAT team dudes who go into this tenement building and then have to beat all these dudes up.

[55:33] If you like dudes beating each other up and, like, grunting a lot and shouting.

[55:37] Those are things I like.

[55:39] And for a movie that features a fair amount of CGI blood, you guys all know I'm an outspoken opponent.

[55:45] That's usually a deal breaker for you.

[55:47] In this case.

[55:48] Even when Zatoichi himself is spraying that CGI blood.

[55:51] In this case, it didn't bother me as much.

[55:53] I guess it might have been the grunting or the shadows.

[55:58] So, run, don't walk to my living room and watch The Raid, colon, Redemption.

[56:04] In your living room?

[56:04] That's where it's playing right now?

[56:06] That's where I want to watch it again.

[56:08] So, you should come over and watch it with me.

Dan McCoy

[56:10] Thanks.

[56:11] Love, Stuart.

[56:14] You know, a little bit ago, I re-watched.

[56:18] I was home at night.

[56:21] The wife was out.

[56:23] Yeah, paint us a word picture in your life.

[56:25] Just get to the movie, would you?

[56:26] I wanted to watch something fun.

[56:28] Okay.

[56:28] I wanted to watch something fun and light.

[56:30] And I re-watched.

[56:31] So, the sorrow and the pity.

[56:32] Yep.

[56:33] Sallow.

[56:34] I re-watched Galaxy Quest, which I don't think I'd seen in full since I saw it in the theater when it came out.

[56:42] I'd seen bits and pieces, obviously, on television because I feel like it's always on television.

[56:46] But I really enjoyed it.

[56:48] And watching it again, it sort of struck me that it wasn't necessarily that it's the most hilarious comedy.

[56:56] Like, I didn't find myself laughing out loud a lot at what was happening in it.

[56:59] LOLing, the kids call it.

[57:00] Yeah.

[57:01] I mean, other than I actually thought that Tony Shalhoub's line readings as, like, the weird, totally sort of spaced out, possibly stoned actor were really funny.

[57:11] But in general, it wasn't necessarily that it was a comedy where the jokes were so hilarious, but it was so well-constructed.

[57:17] I thought that was Tony Shalhoub's character?

[57:19] Yeah.

[57:19] I thought that was Sam Rockwell's character.

[57:22] Sam Rockwell is the nervous guy who thinks he's going to get killed.

[57:25] Oh, okay.

[57:25] I got it mixed up.

[57:26] And he's very funny in it, too.

[57:28] But by and large, what I found most enjoyable about it was it was just a super well-constructed movie where everything pays off really nicely and you feel really good about all of the character arts.

[57:41] It's just a movie that makes you feel good about what happens in it.

[57:45] Like Prometheus.

[57:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:47] Exactly like Prometheus.

[57:48] And speaking of Galaxy Quest, that Tim Allen guy, you know, he's a rising star.

[57:52] He's a great seller.

[57:53] One of these days, he's going to get his hit.

[57:56] He's had many.

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] Okay, so Elliot.

[57:59] I'm surprised you didn't mention Sigourney Weaver's cleavage.

[58:01] Since that's your thing.

[58:03] It's not.

Dan McCoy

[58:04] Yeah, that's my thing.

[58:05] It's my thing.

[58:06] Dan alone, of all men.

[58:08] Of all men, I enjoy cleavage.

Stuart Wellington

[58:11] You heard it here first.

[58:12] I don't get the big deal.

Elliott Kalan

[58:13] At his own mouth.

[58:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[58:15] You know, whatever.

[58:16] It's like a chest butt.

[58:21] Well said, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[58:22] You're the poet of modern age.

[58:24] He's the poet laureate of filth.

[58:28] I am going to risk cliche about my being a Brooklyn indie movie watcher.

[58:35] And I'm going to recommend a movie I saw this weekend that I liked a lot called Beasts of the Southern Wild, which you've probably heard of.

[58:41] Oprah liked it.

[58:42] Oprah liked it.

[58:42] It's one of those indie movies that gets a huge marketing campaign.

[58:46] And everybody's talking about it as if they assume nobody else has heard of it because it's a small movie.

[58:50] But everyone's heard of it.

[58:51] I call it Blair Witch Project Syndrome, where everyone would say, have you heard about this movie, Blair Witch Project?

[58:56] Yeah, of course I have.

[58:57] There are commercials for it all the time.

[58:58] Come on, people.

[58:59] But Elliot's recommendation comes with the keeping helping of irritation.

[59:04] That's me.

[59:05] But I actually enjoyed it a lot.

[59:07] I found it to be both touching and funny and very well put together.

[59:12] And especially for a movie that's very episodic or rather, or picaresque, if you will.

[59:18] I will.

[59:18] It holds.

[59:19] Thank you.

[59:19] I'll allow it.

[59:19] Thank you for doing that.

[59:20] It holds together nicely and has some really great performances in it by some non-professional actors.

[59:26] And I really liked it a lot.

[59:27] So that's what I'd recommend.

[59:29] Beasts O the Southern Wild.

[59:31] So, guys, we've come to the end of another quest.

[59:35] It's the laziest quest.

[59:37] Another quest to sit in a row and record a podcast.

[59:41] What are you trying to do over there?

[59:42] Well, we found Curly's Gold, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[59:46] Turns out there was less of it than we anticipated.

[59:49] So we actually lost money on this expedition.

[59:52] Turns out he didn't have a lot of gold.

[59:53] We had to outfit people with mules, pickaxes.

Stuart Wellington

[59:57] Shit's way expensive.

Elliott Kalan

[59:58] We had to take that old map and then, like, burn it around the edges to make it look really old.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:02] Smear coffee all over it.

[1:00:03] So I apologize to all of you.

[1:00:06] But the podcast turned out, okay?

[1:00:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] Yeah.

[1:00:09] It turns out Curly's Gold is inside all of us.

[1:00:13] I give it a hundred.

[1:00:15] We shouldn't have eaten Curly's Gold.

[1:00:17] We thought it was gelt.

[1:00:18] We thought it was chocolate.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:20] It's really way heavy in my stomach.

[1:00:22] Yeah, it's not good for you to eat.

[1:00:24] So we should go past that, probably.

[1:00:28] So...

[1:00:28] TMI.

[1:00:29] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:32] I'm still Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:33] And I am as ashamed as can be to admit I am Elliot Kalin.

[1:00:36] Good night, everyone.

[1:00:37] So I'd say, like, 97%.

[1:00:39] Maybe 100%.

[1:00:41] What do you think?

[1:00:42] Of what?

[1:00:42] This podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:43] Is what?

[1:00:44] Is awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:52] It's a comedy dynasty.

[1:00:53] His father was in comedy.

[1:00:55] He was in comedy.

[1:00:55] And his daughter's in comedy.

[1:00:56] Like the show Dynasty.

[1:00:58] Nope.

[1:00:59] It's worth listening.

[1:01:00] Wait.

[1:01:01] Wait.

[1:01:01] What was that show about?

[1:01:02] It was about a comedy dynasty.

[1:01:03] The Manchu dynasty.

[1:01:05] Comedy dinosaurs?

[1:01:06] Yeah.

[1:01:07] That was the show Dinosaurs.

[1:01:08] Plus comedy.

[1:01:10] Let's do this.

[1:01:11] What are we doing?

The Flop House: Episode #109 - Journey 2 The Mysterious Island

Transcript

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