The Flop House: Episode #111 - A Little Bit of Heaven

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss A Little Bit of Heaven, the world's top colon cancer rom-com.

[0:30] hey everyone and welcome to the flop house i'm dan mccoy hey guys i'm stewart wellington

[0:36] and hey guys i'm ellie calen guys hey it's a thing we're doing this time guys

[0:42] all of us together again ready to take our listeners on an exciting voyage through the

[0:50] of cinema oh and what gem will we look at today what brilliant sparkling sapphire in the film

[0:59] firmament are we gazing upon

[1:01] this eve? Well, we will

[1:03] examine the crowning jewel

[1:05] in Kate Hudson's oeuvre,

[1:07] A Little Bit of Heaven.

[1:09] So, if I may, I'm going to

[1:11] pull back the flophouse curtain for

[1:13] our readers at home.

[1:15] And explain

[1:17] that when we sat down,

[1:19] you know, snacking on our snacks,

[1:21] drinking our drinks, trying to pick

[1:23] a movie. Not me, because tomorrow's Yom Kippur, so I'm not

[1:25] eating. Yeah, of course. So, we

[1:27] were flipping through the channels,

[1:29] kept talking about movies we actually

[1:31] wanted to watch, movies we weren't allowed

[1:34] to watch because they were...

[1:36] Any movie where Dan said, I've heard

[1:37] that might be a little good, we were not allowed to

[1:39] watch. Yeah, so it was like

[1:41] stacking the deck against us on this one. Oh, that's

[1:43] for sure. And he wouldn't stop talking about Abduction

[1:46] starring Taylor Lautner. Because Dan

[1:48] has a thing for Taylor Lautner.

[1:49] I mean, it's cool. I just think it would be a good Flophouse

[1:51] movie. It's got Lautner,

[1:54] it's got a... Taylor.

[1:55] It's got a thriller plot,

[1:57] stupid thriller plot. It's got abduction

[1:59] and it's got Taylor's abs.

[2:01] So I guess consider that a preview of a

[2:03] future episode. I assume since I don't think

[2:06] Dan's abduction obsession is going away anytime

[2:08] soon. We went

[2:09] through all of the movies that were on demand

[2:12] from Time Warner Cable and all of them

[2:13] seemed actually a little too good

[2:15] to fall under our purview. Yeah, you're right.

[2:17] Solomon Cain seemed too good. I was obsessed with Solomon

[2:20] Cain. Stuart wanted to watch Solomon Cain.

[2:22] I wanted to watch whatever. I don't

[2:23] care. Let's just get on with it.

[2:25] But instead we watched A Little Bit of Heaven.

[2:27] okay best known as kate hudson gets ass cancer that was the original working title i think

[2:34] it was called untitled kate hudson ass cancer project she'd been wanting to work for a long

[2:40] time we're just looking for the right uh vehicle the right project for the two of them uh yeah

[2:46] that's basically here's the thing about this movie usually we go through the plot of the movie

[2:49] i think it might take about 45 seconds to go through the plot of this movie i'll try to add

[2:54] as much incident as possible.

[2:56] Okay.

[2:56] Kate Hudson lives in New Orleans.

[2:59] Sure, the Big Easy.

[3:00] The Big Easy,

[3:01] Nolans,

[3:02] Crisco Town,

[3:04] Betamax,

[3:05] Rigel 4,

[3:07] and...

[3:08] The Big Beignet.

[3:08] Yep,

[3:09] the tiny blues place,

[3:11] Sleepy Hollow.

[3:13] And so she is,

[3:15] she works at a fast-paced ad agency.

[3:17] New Orleans,

[3:17] a town recently ravaged

[3:19] by John Cena

[3:20] in the movie 12 Rounds.

[3:22] It has yet to recover

[3:23] from the damage done by John Cena.

[3:24] She works at an ad agency,

[3:27] one of the famous New Orleans ad agencies,

[3:29] where we see how good she is at her job

[3:32] by selling a condom company

[3:34] on the idea that women buy condoms.

[3:37] Surely not.

[3:38] I mean, they don't have penises.

[3:39] I don't know why they would do that.

[3:40] Au contraire, my friend.

[3:41] You would think that they would have market research

[3:42] that would show them otherwise.

[3:44] Yes, you would think so,

[3:45] since women, many buy condoms.

[3:47] But no, they need Kate Hudson

[3:49] to open their eyes on that one.

[3:50] sass talking a little bit sexy a little bit funny just like kate hudson herself she is quirky she's

[3:56] irreverent hey she doesn't care if you're laughing or you're hating but you know what she's just

[4:01] living approachable that's what i like about her yeah approachable and somewhat puffy faced

[4:06] now let's begin by saying we'll talk about the puffy face everyone in this movie

[4:10] looks tired kate hudson has an excuse because she soon finds out when she goes to the doctor

[4:17] played by Gail Garcia Bernal of

[4:18] Itu Mamatambien and Casa de Mi Padre

[4:21] that

[4:22] he was in

[4:25] Science of Sleep.

[4:28] Yeah, right.

[4:28] And I say the other guy.

[4:30] The guy that was in

[4:32] Itu Miam Miam

[4:35] Miam.

[4:36] Yeah, the other guy from Itu Miam Miam Miam.

[4:38] Which I believe is a

[4:40] Thai restaurant.

[4:41] So,

[4:46] the two of them he's the hair doctor she says oh i've been having these pains in my butt area

[4:51] and he says and you've had blood in your stool yes i've had that too the audience has seen none

[4:57] of this absolutely we don't need to see the blood in her stool you want you want close-up shots of

[5:01] bloody stool i just wanted you know building tension all i want cancer movie you're thinking

[5:07] there's gonna be some loving shots we are gonna see her we are gonna see her struggling away on

[5:11] the toilet lord knows what coming out of her anus i am not gonna lie when you pitched this movie as

[5:16] the kate hudson ass cancer movie i was like i was just non-stop making poop slash fart jokes the

[5:23] whole first 20 minutes until we actually realized there weren't going to be any yeah no uh so but

[5:28] it seemed like a missed opportunity to you i'm just saying it's weird that she says to her friends

[5:33] i'm not feeling so well and then she goes to the doctor and she's like yes i have had bloody stool

[5:39] it's like that's a way more serious thing than not feeling well like you think she would be a

[5:43] little bit more frightened and maybe think there was something seriously wrong i don't know about

[5:47] you i'm bleeding from one of the two major orifices in my body that things are expelled from yeah wait

[5:52] or did you mean the mouth is the other major orifice yeah okay really so so the so the back

[5:57] before the front in orifices those are the two i mean you didn't say the most important i mean

[6:02] Minor orifices

[6:05] So the front genitalia is minor to you

[6:07] When it comes to orifices

[6:09] Look, I'm a man

[6:10] So maybe, I mean, I'd probably be different

[6:13] From a lady

[6:14] Yeah, I think you're coming at this from a male

[6:16] From a phallocentric point of view

[6:18] The urethra, tiny orifice

[6:20] Big surprise, classic misogynist

[6:22] Anyway, so I'm just saying

[6:24] If I had

[6:25] Orifice hiring

[6:27] Orifice hiring

[6:30] Orifice is that matrix guy, right?

[6:32] No, it's Morpheus.

[6:34] Orpheus is the greatest flute player in ancient Greece.

[6:38] In the Orpheus myth, we all know that there are two major Orpheuses.

[6:43] In Orpheus and acidity.

[6:46] A blue Orpheus and a red Orpheus.

[6:49] The wrong one will kick you out of the matrix.

[6:52] But the right one will just keep you in there.

[6:54] And also you can't look back at Eurydice or else she disappears and turns into a bloody stool.

[6:58] now i'm just saying we need some more the character doesn't seem to be that worried

[7:04] about something that would frighten me if it happened to me but she goes to the doctor and

[7:09] he says you have colon cancer this is serious this is a bad cancer to have game change yeah

[7:14] this is a total game changer and so it takes her a while to reconcile this it's a real record

[7:19] scratch of uh she tries to use humor to not get too worried about it and also she starts to romance

[7:27] the handsome doctor who is a jewish mexican wait hold on back up for a second jewish and mexican

[7:32] yes back up for a second when she's fully when she is fully anesthetized so they can stick a camera

[7:39] up her butt which as stewart said i'm not sure something that's done it might be a local anesthesia

[7:44] usually i don't know yeah i don't know they usually put you under for the butt camera uh

[7:48] but when she's fully anesthetized she meets god who kate hudson pictures whoopi goldberg because

[7:54] her character is a big Whoopi Goldberg fan.

[7:57] And we know this because Whoopi Goldberg shows up.

[7:59] No, she says, like, oh, you're Whoopi Goldberg.

[8:02] It's like, oh, you know, because you're a big fan,

[8:04] I'm appearing to you as this.

[8:05] This marks her as a fictional character.

[8:07] Because in modern times, there's no such thing

[8:11] as a big Whoopi Goldberg fan.

[8:13] Whoopi Goldberg slam.

[8:14] But Whoopi Goldberg.

[8:16] I mean, she's been riding pretty high lately.

[8:18] She needs Dan to keep her honest and take her down a notch.

[8:21] She's in red.

[8:22] Jumping Jack Flash is jumping a little too high,

[8:24] if you know what I mean.

[8:24] Whoopi Goldberg grants her a few wishes

[8:27] because I guess God is a genie.

[8:28] One of them being that she's going to get

[8:31] a million dollars later on.

[8:33] I'm putting that out there.

[8:34] Kate Hudson is a direct line to God.

[8:37] Yeah, in the form of Whoopi Goldberg.

[8:39] It's a real, oh God, you devils, her situation.

[8:42] So she wakes up, finds out she has ass cancer.

[8:46] She's got the butt and cancer.

[8:47] We're super insensitive about this affliction tonight.

[8:51] Look, I just want to say,

[8:53] Obviously, if this was a real problem someone had in real life, I would be saddened.

[8:57] It would be tragic.

[8:58] But if it happens in a crappy movie where the worst symptom that Kate Hudson displays to us, the audience, is that she's tired and has the cold.

[9:06] She's got a sniffly nose and she's not wearing any makeup.

[9:08] She looks like she's got the flu.

[9:09] She does not look like she has cancer.

[9:10] Yeah, she is in the throes of fatal cancer.

[9:13] She knows she's going to die.

[9:15] And this is expressed by her sitting on the couch with a blanket tucked around her and a tissue in her hand.

[9:20] And she looks tired and puffy and her hair is kind of stringy.

[9:23] Like, she doesn't even, like, literally, she looks like she should call in sick to work.

[9:28] If you're a real person out there who's suffering disease, all of my sympathies are with you.

[9:33] All of your sympathies?

[9:34] All of them.

[9:34] You're not even going to save some in case, like, a plane crashes?

[9:37] Hey, no, my sympathies are a bottomless well, Elliot, I'm sure.

[9:41] I think you're thinking of your antipathies.

[9:43] But if you're a stupid character in this movie, I mean, like, this movie is a greater insult to anyone with cancer than anything that we're going to say on this podcast.

[9:51] Yeah, I'm not going to say that Kate Hudson deserves to die,

[9:53] but her character certainly deserved to die.

[9:55] Yeah.

[9:56] Okay, so that's the entire movie.

[9:59] Well, basically, Kate Hudson deserved to die.

[10:02] She uses humor.

[10:03] See you next week on The Flophouse.

[10:04] She tells all her friends.

[10:05] She tells her parents, Kathy Bates and Treat Williams,

[10:08] who have a bad relationship.

[10:10] They are not happy with each other.

[10:12] I assume they're divorced, but maybe they're just unhappy together

[10:15] and they stay together because the sex is amazing.

[10:17] Yeah, angry sex is the best sex.

[10:19] You can only imagine Kathy Bates and Treat Williams, some hot, hot sex.

[10:23] She romances the doctor.

[10:25] The doctor is told by his superior that this is very unethical.

[10:28] That's a subplot that goes nowhere.

[10:30] It's just dropped.

[10:31] Unless we missed something, which is possible because I had trouble paying attention to how boring this movie was.

[10:37] Although this movie also screams deleted scenes.

[10:41] Oh, yeah, director's cut.

[10:43] It's brilliant in the director's cut, yeah.

[10:46] This movie screams like a movie where the screenwriter went down any number of cul-de-sacs that were then just stripped from the movie.

[10:54] You're talking about that five-minute scene where they just sing along, do an entire song in a car ride?

[11:00] Yeah.

[11:00] So then she has a life insurance windfall.

[11:05] They'll give her the money before she dies.

[11:06] It's a million dollars.

[11:08] That's what God said she was going to get.

[11:10] She takes her friends on a shopping spree.

[11:12] Then the sickness goes to her head.

[11:14] She's an asshole to everybody.

[11:16] She's not dealing well with the fact that she's going to die and she's mean to everyone.

[11:19] Then she sees God again, makes amends with everybody, dies, and they have a lighthearted jazz funeral in her honor.

[11:26] And that is the entire movie.

[11:28] And here are the most, I left out the most intriguing characters of the film.

[11:32] I will give you them in order of most intriguing to least exciting.

[11:36] These are the most likable characters in the movie.

[11:38] One, her dog Stanley, who is a bulldog, adorable, always looks like he's got something on his mind.

[11:44] Super fat, super wrinkly.

[11:46] He's going to say something hilarious.

[11:47] If he could talk, this movie would bump up from half a star to one and a half stars.

[11:52] Every scene that he was not in, I was wondering, what's Stanley up to?

[11:56] Where's Stanley right now?

[11:57] Solving a crime, probably?

[11:59] In the background of one scene, because Kate Hudson has all these paintings in her apartment,

[12:03] you can see a painting of Stanley.

[12:05] And I looked at it and I said, I am going to try to get that for Stuart for his birthday next year.

[12:10] The thing is that you have a bulldog as wrinkly as Stanley in a climate like New Orleans.

[12:15] That's crazy.

[12:17] What's going to happen?

[12:18] He's going to get sweaty.

[12:19] That's what's going to happen.

[12:19] There's going to be mold in those wrinkles, I feel like.

[12:22] Yeah, so maybe I should clean those out.

[12:23] Why don't we have a scene of her cleaning out his wrinkle mold?

[12:26] So Stanley, most lovable character in the movie.

[12:28] Second most lovable character in the movie.

[12:30] At one point, Kate Hudson takes her friend's daughter, who's a little girl, to the zoo.

[12:35] They see an orangutan who has a lot of charisma, and the orangutan just pees right in front of them.

[12:40] Second best character in the movie.

[12:42] So that's first best Stanley is a real character.

[12:46] He appears.

[12:46] Second best character, a cameo by an orangutan.

[12:50] Third best character in the movie, not even a cameo.

[12:53] They're in the hospital at one point, and on an escalator behind them is an extra who is a man with white hair.

[13:04] In a suit.

[13:05] suit and glasses and there's just something about him business something about him that screams

[13:11] what's this character doing in the hospital i would love to find out he has no lines he's a

[13:16] background extra draws focus instantly away from the main characters i think what's shocking is

[13:21] that a actor with his charisma is this late in life and he has not you know rocketed to

[13:27] stardom with his own vehicles so they like so this movie would have been much better if it

[13:32] It was about a dog that teamed up with an orangutan to pee on a man with white hair on an escalator.

[13:37] That would have made this movie infinitely better.

[13:40] Now, I will say...

[13:41] I mean, it sounds like a short subject, but it sounds like an amazing short subject.

[13:44] No, it's like screwballs.

[13:45] They spend the whole movie trying to find ways to pee on him while he's on an escalator.

[13:49] And they keep fucking up.

[13:50] They can't do it.

[13:51] And then finally at the end...

[13:52] credits roll, peeing on the guy, slow motion pee splattering all over.

[13:56] Original song rolls.

[13:58] Then stop.

[13:59] Stanley has a rap.

[14:00] Orangutan is the DJ.

[14:01] Of course he ever was.

[14:02] Made with a generous grant from the Canada Film Society.

[14:05] Yeah, very generous.

[14:08] Extremely, overly generous.

[14:10] So interesting talking about wrapping animals, because...

[14:15] This is relevant, strangely enough.

[14:17] Because MC Scat Cat himself, Romney Malko, is in the movie.

[14:21] Did I pronounce that right?

[14:22] No, you didn't.

[14:22] Romney? Romney? Romanny?

[14:25] I mean, I'm not him, I don't know.

[14:26] I would say Romney Malko.

[14:28] Okay, so he was great.

[14:29] He actually only performed one half of the raps for MC Scat Cat in the song Opposites Attractive.

[14:34] What?

[14:35] One half?

[14:36] I'm sorry, within the same song.

[14:37] Yes.

[14:38] There were two MC Scat Cats.

[14:39] According to Wikipedia, the role of MC Scat Cat was too big for one man.

[14:44] That's the thing.

[14:44] Half of that song for one guy.

[14:47] Have you recorded half of that song?

[14:49] I don't think so.

[14:50] I have not.

[14:50] As a listener to Opposites Attractive, a song that I've heard several times in the course of my life,

[14:57] How was I never able to discern that there were two separate MC Scatcats?

[15:02] I'll tell you why.

[15:03] I'll tell you why.

[15:04] Because you're not listening to two different rappers.

[15:06] You're listening to the character of MC Scatcat, and he comes to life.

[15:10] So he probably also handled the animation duties, right?

[15:13] He did not.

[15:13] No, a professional animation team did that.

[15:15] Andy Serkis was MC Scatcat.

[15:18] Actually, not Andy Serkis, the actor, but a circus named Andy.

[15:21] They hired all the circus people to do the animation.

[15:24] It was their first job.

[15:26] It's amazing that it came out so well.

[15:27] And what's weird is they animated it first, then cast Paula Abdul, wrote the song, and then shot the video.

[15:36] The animation just fit perfectly.

[15:38] Oh, man.

[15:39] I didn't know you've been watching the making of Obsessed Attractive Video.

[15:42] I've actually been producing it.

[15:44] The true Hollywood story.

[15:45] I'm producing a three-part.

[15:46] It's on Kickstarter right now?

[15:46] Yeah.

[15:47] Someone could donate to Kickstarter my three-part documentary on, it's called Scattin' with the Cat.

[15:53] Sure.

[15:53] Opposites Attract and Attracting Opposites.

[15:56] The $10 donation gets you a high-five from Elliot.

[15:58] Yes, but travel costs, you have to pay yourself.

[16:01] Sure, of course.

[16:01] And you have to find me.

[16:02] You can't arrange it.

[16:03] It's if you come to New York, see me on the street, walking to work or something,

[16:07] and you go, $10 for Opposites Attract, I will high-five you.

[16:11] For $50, you get an animated pair of parachute pants.

[16:14] Yeah, but I draw them.

[16:15] And for $5,000, you get dinner with Elliot.

[16:18] Wow.

[16:19] You pay for the dinner.

[16:20] Yeah, in Stuart's house.

[16:22] That's what's weird.

[16:23] Is that Stewart will turn it into a French restaurant for one night, Shea Stewart.

[16:26] Yep.

[16:27] What's weird is he serves Beef Wellington, which is an English dish.

[16:29] That is weird, right?

[16:31] But that's Shea Stewart.

[16:32] What are you going to do?

[16:33] Beef Wellington and Beef Stew.

[16:35] There's a lot of Beef Stewart Wellingtons in this.

[16:37] He also puts a mustache on and talks in a French accent.

[16:39] And what will Monsieur have to drink?

[16:41] For 5,000 hours?

[16:42] Oh, an excellent choice.

[16:44] An excellent vintage.

[16:46] So anyway, this movie is...

[16:48] Would Sir care to tap the Rockies tonight?

[16:51] I will say about this movie...

[16:53] about this movie that the actors in it try fairly hard to make.

[16:58] I like that I'm really selling Coors Light in that version of the story.

[17:01] Well, the markup is insane.

[17:03] You're charging $20 a can.

[17:06] That's the thing.

[17:07] I get a little bit of a cut out of that.

[17:08] The thing is, you've got totally different motivations.

[17:11] Elliot's all about his MC Skat Cat project.

[17:13] You're more a Coors Light booster.

[17:15] Sure.

[17:16] Well, I want to get the party started,

[17:17] and the best way to do that is to have a giant train

[17:20] that sheds ice and beer.

[17:23] Science shows us

[17:24] that parties are best started

[17:26] by a train in the mountains

[17:27] that shoots beer at giants

[17:29] playing volleyball.

[17:30] Yeah, to a bevy of babes

[17:33] in bikinis.

[17:34] It's a lot of bees.

[17:36] A lot of alliteration

[17:37] from Stuart Wellington.

[17:37] Also,

[17:38] Shea Stuart,

[17:39] tableside pouring service.

[17:41] You pay a little extra,

[17:44] but that's okay.

[17:44] So,

[17:46] I will say,

[17:47] every actor in this movie

[17:48] is trying hard.

[17:49] I don't think,

[17:49] maybe Kate Hudson

[17:50] Phoning it in

[17:51] They seem to be trying hard to stay awake

[17:53] I mean that

[17:54] The quality of material they're working with is so low

[17:57] Just the fact that they

[17:59] Change their facial expressions

[18:01] I do feel like they're trying to sell it

[18:03] Kate Hudson I think is the worst in the movie

[18:05] Which is a shame

[18:06] Even when she is riding a bicycle down the street

[18:10] In her pajamas drinking whiskey out of a bottle

[18:13] She is

[18:14] A real E.T. moment

[18:15] Because E.T. was drunk at the time

[18:18] actually that was a joke from an episode of the critic now that i think about it but uh i'm like

[18:22] i mean aside from uh mr mc scat cat himself romney malco you've got a strong backing you got kathy

[18:29] bates kathy bates williams stephen weber as kate hudson's boss lucy punch lucy punch is her best

[18:34] friend uh rosemary dewitt as her other best friend peter dinklage peter dinklage appears as a dwarf

[18:41] gigolo of course dwarf gigolo it's peter dinklage they're not going to put him in a cyborg body so

[18:46] play, a full-sized person,

[18:47] a dwarf gigolo with the nickname

[18:50] Little Bit of Heaven. So that's how

[18:52] we get the title, by the way. Yes.

[18:53] To get the title of the movie,

[18:55] they have to bring in a totally extraneous character

[18:58] who appears in one scene. Well, and he

[19:00] teaches her the valuable lesson of

[19:01] hey, I know you're dying, but you gotta live your life,

[19:04] you know? Yeah. You gotta do a lot of fun shit.

[19:05] Can't judge a book by its cover, man.

[19:08] And they mainly live by playing Texas Hold'em together.

[19:10] I think...

[19:11] Can't judge a book by its cover? That's not the lesson at all.

[19:14] But that's the lesson he teaches her

[19:16] It doesn't apply to the movie

[19:17] It's not like they fall in love

[19:19] Well no he's like

[19:22] Take another look

[19:23] Give love a chance man

[19:24] Just because I'm a dwarf doesn't mean you can't love me

[19:27] And Peter Dinklage has a mustache

[19:30] And dyed blonde hair

[19:32] Died blonde big hair

[19:33] And like instantly

[19:34] You know what I'm going to add him up

[19:36] I'm going to make him fourth most likable

[19:38] Because I would love to see a series

[19:40] Where Peter Dinklage's gigolo

[19:42] a little bit of heaven

[19:43] has to solve mysteries

[19:44] or save a business

[19:46] I don't care what

[19:47] he's so charming

[19:48] you know what

[19:48] I'm going to put him

[19:49] Jekyll is getting

[19:49] into all kinds of hijinks

[19:51] that's an Emmy

[19:52] he is a close fourth

[19:54] to white haired man

[19:55] on the escalator

[19:56] when it comes to

[19:57] likeable characters

[19:57] so I think

[19:59] I think part of what

[20:00] they're trying to do

[20:00] with the movie

[20:01] is

[20:02] is bore people to death

[20:03] well they have

[20:04] you know they have

[20:04] this character who

[20:06] is a backdoor pilot

[20:07] for a series about

[20:08] a series about women

[20:10] With ass cancer

[20:13] A new woman

[20:14] So

[20:14] He's a dwarf gigolo

[20:16] Who brings

[20:16] Who teaches a woman

[20:17] With ass cancer

[20:18] A different lesson

[20:19] Every week

[20:20] And the only way

[20:21] That she can survive

[20:22] Is if there's a

[20:23] Surprise procedure

[20:24] Performed by

[20:25] Dr. Orangutan

[20:26] MD

[20:27] Yeah

[20:27] With Stanley sitting there

[20:28] Going uh oh

[20:29] This is never gonna work

[20:30] Yeah

[20:31] Smoking a cigar

[20:32] And it's called

[20:33] David

[20:34] It's called

[20:36] JJ Abrams

[20:38] Butt buddies

[20:39] jj abrams is attached to executive produce

[20:42] uh so you have a movie there's a way we could tie the butt patrol into this i think we could

[20:49] really you remember right dan sure so you have a character who gets ass cancer colon cancer let's

[20:57] call it colon in the movie they repeatedly refer to it as ass cancer which is not really accurate

[21:02] it's not in her ass it's in her colon so she has colon cancer and semi-colon cancer not as bad

[21:09] still painful and then she has to a lot of people misuse it though fall in love with somebody and

[21:14] then she dies spoiler alert um so i think what they try and sell you on is that pre finding out

[21:20] that she has cancer she was living her life wrong in some way i guess she was too focused on work

[21:26] uh she was she refused to have relationships with guys we see her uh make a booty call to

[21:32] a gentleman have sex with him and then kick him out and say i don't want relationships yeah it

[21:36] It was like the guy who was like the alien bounty hunter in X-Files or something.

[21:40] I think that was the...

[21:41] He probably was an alien bounty hunter or something.

[21:42] Again, it would make the movie so much more interesting if he was.

[21:45] He was a character actor you would recognize.

[21:46] But here's the thing.

[21:47] She is living her life like there's no tomorrow.

[21:49] And then she gets cancer.

[21:51] Wait, before or after?

[21:52] Before the cancer.

[21:52] And then the lesson of the movie seems to be,

[21:54] live your life like there's a tomorrow, even when there isn't.

[21:57] Yeah.

[21:57] Lesson seems to be, get cancer, be a dick to everyone for a while,

[22:02] and then at the last minute, don't be a dick.

[22:05] Here's the other thing.

[22:06] She is a dick to everyone, and they react the way that you would if a friend was a dick to you.

[22:10] They get mad at her.

[22:11] They stop talking.

[22:11] They have arguments.

[22:12] But when you're dying, you can be a dick to everybody way much more than she pulled off.

[22:16] People have to let you do it until they reach a bigger breaking point, and there could have been even more tension in the movie if she is lashing out at them to get them to show that they're as worried about this as she is but is pretending not to be.

[22:28] And they refuse to do it because they think they're just making things easier for her, so she has to lash out more.

[22:34] And then finally they do reach a breaking point and they realize that this is what they needed was to actually get mad at each other.

[22:40] That would have been a way better movie.

[22:41] That would have been a movie about real emotions.

[22:43] You wanted that scene and a scene of bloody poop.

[22:46] We don't need the bloody poop scene.

[22:49] I would just have loved if the audience knew that she was experiencing the symptoms of a serious problem before she tells the doctor because it comes as a weird surprise.

[22:58] Like why are you so blasé about this if there's been blood in your poop?

[23:02] Yeah, it's only, like, it's not a surprise because you're going into this movie knowing what it's about.

[23:07] Yeah.

[23:07] Let me say, maybe I'll get too personal here.

[23:09] Because you read about it on Rotten Tomatoes or something.

[23:11] Yeah.

[23:11] Maybe I'm getting too personal here.

[23:13] I've never had blood in my stool.

[23:15] But as a man who's passed multiple kidney stones, like, even knowing what's going on.

[23:21] You got to sit down on the Coca-Cola, I think.

[23:22] I don't drink a lot of Coca-Cola these days.

[23:24] Okay.

[23:24] It's probably related to spinach is one possibility.

[23:27] Oh, that's weird.

[23:27] But that's where I get my strength, and I need that to save my wife from Bluto.

[23:31] So, it's a real bind.

[23:32] But even knowing, I know the symptoms of a kidney stone, I know what it feels like, I know how the process goes, it's still really scary.

[23:39] So, if she was dealing with something she had never dealt with before, didn't know what it was, she would be super frightened.

[23:46] She wouldn't be so like, yeah, I guess my tummy hurts and there's blood in my poop.

[23:50] Whatever, doc, lay it on me.

[23:51] I know you're just trying to soak me for the bill.

[23:53] Nothing's going wrong.

[23:54] Unless she's eating blood sausage, there should not be blood in her poop and not be surprised.

[23:58] There's a problem with the seriousness.

[24:00] Is that what happens when you eat blood sausage?

[24:01] Yeah, but it's worth it.

[24:02] It's delicious.

[24:03] Here's how you eat blood sausage.

[24:04] The first bite, delicious.

[24:06] It's like meat chocolate cake.

[24:07] Second bite, tastes disgusting.

[24:09] The third bite, delicious.

[24:11] And every bite after that is delicious.

[24:13] It's like a Krispy Kreme donut.

[24:14] Kind of, yeah, but made with blood.

[24:16] I would agree with that.

[24:16] I mean, like, the secret to eating blood pudding is forgetting that you're eating congealed blood.

[24:20] Oh, not for me.

[24:21] I like to feel I'm absorbing the strength and power of the animal.

[24:24] Sure.

[24:25] I have all the power of a pig now.

[24:28] But then I eat beef hearts the way other people eat apples.

[24:31] Just take a bite.

[24:32] Maybe I'll peel them with a knife, but just take a bite out of them.

[24:35] But I think you come to a good point about the seriousness of this film.

[24:39] The tone of this is all wrong.

[24:40] And sometimes I make candy beef hearts.

[24:42] If this was a better movie, what you're describing would be right.

[24:47] Like she's driving everyone, she's driving everyone away until it reaches a breaking point.

[24:52] And then there's this catharsis.

[24:54] And she says, I really am scared.

[24:58] I didn't know how to express it, blah, blah, blah.

[25:00] And this movie treats everything so lightly.

[25:02] And there are no stakes because you know that when she dies,

[25:05] she's just going to go up to heaven with Whoopi Goldberg.

[25:06] Yeah, there's one scene where Kathy Bates cooks her a steak.

[25:09] That's the closest the movie has to having any stakes.

[25:11] But the thing is, because this is such a light movie,

[25:14] her being an asshole just lands so much harder.

[25:19] She's being a dick to her mom through the whole movie.

[25:21] Maybe her being an asshole is reflective of her.

[25:25] Oh, maybe.

[25:28] thing we talked about earlier. This movie's

[25:30] a lot deeper than I thought.

[25:31] I'm glad you said wink

[25:33] for the audience. But I just feel bad about

[25:36] like Kathy Bates is her mom.

[25:38] I'm just like, you are mistreating

[25:40] your mom, not realizing how difficult

[25:42] it is for her saying her

[25:44] daughter be sick. And similarly, we

[25:46] keep hearing from Kathy Bates and Kate Hudson

[25:48] how horrible her dad is.

[25:50] Her dad's so cold and unemotional.

[25:51] But we never see it. And it's fucking Treat Williams.

[25:54] And that dude is amazing. He's a treat.

[25:56] It's hard to imagine Treat Williams as

[25:58] a cold monster even having been in the substitute i only imagine he looks like a jet ski blasting

[26:04] alien tentacles with a shotgun but he looks like a teddy bear doing that so deep deep rising i just

[26:10] i watched that movie a lot sure i watch it before any major event in my life my wedding

[26:16] my graduation from cooking school my graduation from stripping school it was the same school

[26:22] stewart it was a stripping cooking school i think this might be a self-fulfilling thing i think you

[26:27] maybe associating treat williams with all the warm moments in your life uh i don't know what

[26:32] this self-fulfilling thing means i just know the deep rising is amazing and west studi is in it

[26:37] uh and he does not blast anything with a shotgun he gets blasted i honestly don't know and i don't

[26:43] know if it's in the purview of this episode more it's more interesting the movie much like stanley

[26:50] but you make a good point that because the movie is so light-hearted she really it feels like she's

[26:55] really abusing people and we're never given a reason why we should continue to like this person

[27:01] or care about her it's kind of like young adult in a way where young in young adult charlize theron

[27:06] is a jerk to everybody but the point of the movie is she's unhappy and that makes her a jerk to

[27:11] everybody and i didn't think the movie pulled that off particularly well but it pulls it off much

[27:15] better than this one but at least in that movie like that's a dark comedy so you're supposed to

[27:19] understand that like her behavior is not heartwarming good yeah but it's still i don't know

[27:24] she didn't get enough of a comeuppance i liked young adult more than you liked it more than i

[27:28] did but i also didn't find it that totally it makes more sense no certainly very much so this

[27:33] movie is supposed to be like a light-hearted rom-com about referencing young adult charlize

[27:38] theron makes herself look way grosser than kate hudson she makes herself look despite her puffiness

[27:43] she makes herself look like someone who is struggling to get through life you know and

[27:48] doesn't know what to do with herself whereas yeah manic depressive alcoholic whereas her character

[27:53] Kate Hudson, like, just looks, yeah, just looks kind of, like, puffy and, like, she woke up on the wrong side of the bed and didn't put her makeup on.

[27:59] She looks like she's got bad allergies.

[28:00] Yeah, she looks like she's experiencing hay fever the whole time.

[28:03] Like, she has fatal hay fever.

[28:04] Maybe the doctor should have checked her for hay fever, guys.

[28:07] That could have been the problem.

[28:08] Ass hay fever.

[28:09] They've been treating her wrong all along.

[28:13] My butt keeps sneezing.

[28:14] Here's my other, here's my, those are just farts, Kate.

[28:19] Those are just farts.

[28:20] Your butt is not sneezing.

[28:22] My butt has smelly sneezes.

[28:24] This is a really highbrow episode of The Flopass.

[28:26] But I guess when we're watching the ass cancer movie, we're going to be talking about butts and farts.

[28:30] Butt sneezes.

[28:32] Butt Clareton.

[28:33] Blue butt smiling at me.

[28:36] Clareton.

[28:37] So here's a theory I'll bring in.

[28:41] Our good friend.

[28:43] I'll allow it.

[28:45] Thanks, Flop Judge.

[28:47] It's the auteur theory.

[28:49] So the director is the author of the film.

[28:52] Even if he didn't write the script.

[28:54] Our friend, friend of the show, I Love Bad Movies publisher, Sania Yorosh, does a presentation about something called – what's it called?

[29:03] Love Story Disease.

[29:05] Love Story Disease.

[29:06] LSD, Love Story Disease, which are movies about a guy, a dopey guy who gets a new lease on life when he falls in love with a quirky woman who is going to die.

[29:15] This is that movie, but it's told from the girl's point of view.

[29:19] It's a quirky girl who's going to die.

[29:21] she meets her doctor who's kind of like a straight-laced guy who needs to loosen up

[29:24] yeah and she gets him to loosen up but it's told from her point of view and it seems and it's just

[29:31] the movie's all off balance she has like no character arc nothing really happens except

[29:37] her getting mad at people and then break you know having arguments and then she

[29:41] apologizes it's like they tried to tell that story backwards and it didn't work at all and

[29:47] It's a dumb story to tell to begin with, but I wonder if that was the thinking almost behind it.

[29:52] It was like, let's tell that girl's story.

[29:54] You know what?

[29:54] Let's turn this convention on its ear.

[29:57] Exactly.

[29:58] If that's true, I will give the movie credit in one regard, which is this is the only movie like that where the main character does not get more beautiful as she gets sicker.

[30:07] That's true.

[30:07] Like they actually did, even though it still looked like the symptoms of a cold.

[30:12] I mean, when she's a ghost at the end, she looks banging, dude.

[30:15] Oh, yeah, but she's a ghost.

[30:16] She's healthy then.

[30:17] You want to have sex with that ghost.

[30:18] Yeah, I do.

[30:19] I'm like Ray Stans on that belt.

[30:21] You just want to be lying back, ghost undoing your belt, giving you a blowjob, and then

[30:27] immediate cross-eyes.

[30:29] And then immediate cross-eyes, because in the 80s, blowjobs gave you cross-eyes.

[30:33] Blowjob technology had just been invented.

[30:35] My teacher always told me if I kept doing that, they'd stay that way.

[30:40] If you kept getting blowjobs, they would stay that way?

[30:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[30:44] That made me terrified of getting blowjobs.

[30:47] what class was this what subject sex ed oh okay well that's i think you may have been uh given

[30:53] inaccurate information okay well i'll take it up with my teacher you still keep in touch oh yeah

[30:58] we're on facebook oh really that seems in an inappropriate facebook well that seems

[31:03] inappropriate not the fact that he talks about blowjobs it's the sex ed class all right but

[31:08] sex ed you're talking about blowjobs all the time yeah come on my sex ed class in high school was

[31:13] It's called Blowjobs 101.

[31:14] Stuart, we need to talk after the podcast.

[31:17] We've talked about butt cancer, blowjobs, ghosts, butt sneezes.

[31:23] Orangutans.

[31:26] Dr. Orangutan MD.

[31:27] And his sidekick, Stanley the dog.

[31:30] I think we've managed to avoid most of the movie.

[31:34] I think maybe we actually need to get on to Final Judges.

[31:37] Wrap things up.

[31:38] Because we have a lot of news, actually, to talk about.

[31:40] Oh, that's right.

[31:40] We do, actually.

[31:42] the news hinted at earlier in an earlier so uh this is the final judgment sections where we talk

[31:48] about how this is whether this is a good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie you kind of liked ellie

[31:54] i think in the interest of speeding this section along i'll speak for all of us this was a bad bad

[31:58] movie i think this was the most the will you allow it yep i'll allow it this was the i think highest

[32:04] proportion of the movie was spent with us looking at our phones or desperately or watching dan's cat

[32:10] just lie there it was very hard to it was just a really not good very like boringly and insultingly

[32:17] bad movie if we if we made a major olivia wildgate style error in this podcast i apologize but it was

[32:24] i apologize for nothing hamburger and steak dude horrible that's not even what he was referring to

[32:31] but that is still something i'm disgusted by uh but yeah that's if we made any mistakes with the

[32:38] plot please don't correct us because then it means you'll have watched the movie and we'll feel bad

[32:42] about it so a little bit of heaven are we gonna make our announcement or go to the letters thumbs

[32:47] down uh well two thumbs down before we make an i give it zero out of a million stars before we

[32:55] make the announcement i want to quickly thank for their donations martin j daniel b and luke s

[33:01] thank you so much guys thank you very much we appreciate it thank you for your kind hearts

[33:07] your open wallets and your cornets your kind hearts and your cornets your kind hearts and

[33:13] your cornets yeah because we we did we just we haven't we haven't making enough eeling's

[33:17] eeling pictures references in this podcast so uh when we get a lavender hill mob joke in here

[33:24] now okay done keep moving on so uh let's keep on keeping on shall we this is the point where we

[33:32] reveal something uh you're fucking prefacing it this is the yeah this is the point in every show

[33:39] where we make a big announcement so last week we talked uh last time we talked about some shit and

[33:44] we argued for a while and it turns out we shouldn't have been arguing yeah we could have just revealed

[33:47] it and i apologize for for second guessing nothing it was hilarious it was it was hilarious

[33:53] kept the asses in the seats the kept uh so starting sneezing away starting october the first

[34:00] our good friend al madrigal al madrigal you may know him as al madrigal the new stewart wellington

[34:06] uh and i want to give a shout out to uh just better right apparently uh al gave a uh gave a

[34:13] performance at ohio state university and a flop house fan was there and it just reminded us what

[34:20] a what a broad reach this podcast has that goes all the way to osu thanks osu student for listening

[34:26] to the Flophouse, but continue. Al Madrigal.

[34:27] Our good friend Al Madrigal

[34:29] is starting up a

[34:31] podcast network.

[34:33] Now, you may be familiar with the

[34:35] podcast networks. There's

[34:37] the Earwolf Network.

[34:39] The earwith. The width of an ear.

[34:41] That's the perfect width for a podcast

[34:43] because ears are what the podcast goes

[34:45] into. There's the Nerdist

[34:47] Network. Sure. But

[34:49] Al is starting something called All Things Comedy.

[34:51] ATC. All Things

[34:53] Comedy. Are we pitching people on

[34:55] I'm just talking about what it is

[34:58] Some of the folks involved

[34:59] Some of the podcasts involved

[35:01] You got your Greg Berent

[35:03] You got your Eddie Pepitone

[35:05] You got Harlan Williams

[35:08] Is Bill Burr involved?

[35:09] Bill Burr

[35:10] Big names

[35:11] Much bigger names than us

[35:12] Much larger names than us

[35:14] I would say much funnier

[35:16] Well, some of them maybe

[35:18] Hey, you're funny guys too

[35:20] Hey, thanks

[35:21] That's what I was fishing for

[35:23] You're equally funny

[35:25] oh that's a comedy callback comedy callback review callback anyway dan uh and al's uh podcast his own

[35:33] podcast minivan men but uh he's put together this half man half minivan this network uh which is a

[35:39] podcast man collective uh and by collective i i mean to point that out by saying that it's like

[35:47] the borg the fact that we're part of this does not mean that anything is going to change yeah

[35:52] this podcast will remain almost entirely the same we will be a basically independent unit within

[35:59] this larger comedy network what we will gain from this is uh greater listenership hopefully

[36:06] new flop fans new floppers and perhaps a little money to ching uh man what will happen in terms

[36:16] of you listening is

[36:17] almost nothing different. However,

[36:20] we will warn you, there

[36:22] will likely be at some point in the

[36:24] future some advertisements. Some light

[36:26] adage. Some light sponsor

[36:28] announcement, but not

[36:30] pre-recorded ads

[36:32] or anything like that, right? No, I believe that

[36:34] we'll be doing the ad copy.

[36:35] We'll be doing it the old-fashioned way. It'll just be

[36:38] like the old Gracie Burns-George Allen show

[36:40] where, I got the names backwards,

[36:42] where they were like,

[36:44] ah, let's tell some funny jokes, and then we'll

[36:46] enjoy some maxwell house coffee oh delicious coffee now back to the jokes and now the music

[36:51] of meredith wilson and his orchestra but uh i want to say this about this in the playwright

[36:55] what anyway keep going meredith wilson uh who did music man was also the music guy for uh the jack

[37:01] benny show i didn't realize that like how uh on rupaul's drag race rupaul's always promoting uh

[37:06] iron fist shoes and her very as her various other products iron fist shoes that's the name of them

[37:11] Really? And Marvel is okay with that?

[37:13] Yeah, totally cool.

[37:14] But I just want to say that in terms of this becoming a sellout proposition, if we—

[37:21] We're selling out.

[37:21] Well, that's true. We are selling out.

[37:23] Also, Stewart's being replaced by a cartoon cat again.

[37:27] I'm going to be replaced with Dustin Diamond, and Dan is going to be replaced with Tiffany Amber Thiessen.

[37:33] That's right. It's a two-part Saved by the Bell reunion, and the cartoon cat was in the pilot for Saved by the Bell.

[37:39] It's a total sellout move.

[37:40] We're all going to move to Malibu and buy houses and surf all day and sleep all night.

[37:45] No, I just wanted to say that –

[37:48] Where do I sign?

[37:49] Right here in this devil contract.

[37:51] This podcast was never meant to be a money-making enterprise.

[37:54] Not at all.

[37:55] And it has succeeded.

[37:56] It has succeeded by leaps and bounds.

[37:58] Beyond our wildest dreams.

[38:00] Yeah.

[38:01] Mission accomplished.

[38:02] No money.

[38:02] No, but I find it hard to believe that it might become one at some time.

[38:07] and if anyone is afraid of us selling out let me just point out that it is still a podcast

[38:11] so the level of selling out is is commiserate to the medium well i think i think i can speak for

[38:19] all of us maybe when i say that the reason we do this is because we enjoy doing it and we get a

[38:23] we get pleasure out of doing it we get pleasure out of knowing people listen to it and enjoy it

[38:27] we get pleasure a lot of pleasure out of hearing back from you and getting your letters and things

[38:31] like that uh it would be great for us to get some money from it but the main drive is still

[38:36] because we love doing it because we love hearing from you and we hope you still enjoy it so we're

[38:40] not going to change the podcast to try to chase the buck or anything and the primary reason that

[38:45] we were interested in joining this collective was to grow the podcast in terms of the the audience

[38:50] yeah so that we can get more floppies out there um so no i agree that i'm with you guys on this

[38:57] Stuart was a little wary at first, but only because...

[39:00] Because I said, more floppies.

[39:01] We already have too many.

[39:03] But only because he originally came up with the idea for Two Broke Girls and signed it away.

[39:08] It was called Two Bloke Girls, and it was two guys that were girls.

[39:11] They're also English.

[39:13] So, also, while we're in a sort of housekeeping part of the show, we should plug our next live Flophouse Screaming.

[39:24] Yeah, and then I've got to plug, too, as long as we're plugging things.

[39:27] At 92Y Tribeca on November the 2nd, we will be doing our fourth screening where we will riff over a movie.

[39:36] We're going to talk over a movie, do some bits.

[39:37] I wouldn't use the term riff.

[39:39] That gets us close to copyright infringement.

[39:41] I mean, the idea of a riff is not...

[39:44] Riff over some kind of track.

[39:45] We're just going to MST3K a movie.

[39:48] I mean, it's a jazz term before it was anything associated with bad movies, but sure.

[39:53] We're going to be...

[39:55] Okay, cat.

[39:57] Screening the film Bratz with a Z.

[40:01] The movie Bratz.

[40:02] Now, we've talked about Bratz a lot.

[40:03] We did an episode on that.

[40:04] We've laughed a lot about Bratz.

[40:06] We've loved a lot about Bratz.

[40:08] So, you've probably already watched Bratz at home like a zillion times, but have you

[40:14] seen it on the big screen?

[40:15] No.

[40:15] With three dudes talking over it the whole time?

[40:17] Maybe.

[40:17] Probably not.

[40:18] Probably not.

[40:19] Unless you're a future traveler.

[40:21] Again.

[40:22] A chronomancer.

[40:24] We'll be doing it, again, in coordination with I Love Bad Movies, the zine everybody loves to read, and hopefully it'll be as enjoyable as our past screenings, which were big hits.

[40:36] And sold out.

[40:37] And sold out.

[40:38] So this might be a sellout crowd.

[40:40] So get your tickets early, get your tickets often.

[40:42] You should run very long.

[40:43] A huge sellout come to our show.

[40:45] As we are, because we joined a network.

[40:47] And this is not a Flophouse thing, but I also want to mention at 92i Tribeca,

[40:53] I'm going to be doing three nights of sketch comedy, the first three Thursdays in October.

[40:57] That's the 4th, 11th, and 18th.

[40:59] It's a 10-year anniversary reunion of me and my sketch partner, Brock Mahan.

[41:03] Together, we're the Hypocrites, and we've been performing together off and on for about 10 years now.

[41:08] We're going to do some of our old material and some of our new material, and it should be a lot of fun.

[41:12] We'll have special guests.

[41:13] All that information is up on the 92i Tribeca website.

[41:15] And Brock's been on the show before, yeah?

[41:17] Yeah, Brock has been the guest.

[41:18] He was here for Paul Blart Mall Cop and at least one more.

[41:22] Maybe three, I feel like.

[41:23] He's been a Stuart stand-in.

[41:25] And an Elliot stand-in.

[41:27] Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought.

[41:28] But we're going to be doing those shows at 9 to Y, Tribeca,

[41:31] in case you can't wait until November and you need some Elliot Kalen-related humor.

[41:34] Yeah, you need a crack at Kalen.

[41:36] Yep, a kale crack.

[41:38] How was that?

[41:39] That was good.

[41:40] Housekeeping ended.

[41:42] Boring business taken care of.

[41:45] If you have any complaints about our joining this network,

[41:48] please send them to the Flophouse.

[41:50] Shove them up your ass where you'll get ass cancer.

[41:51] Well, I was going to say post them to the Flophouse Facebook page so we can make fun of them, but...

[41:56] So this is the Flophouse mailbag segment.

[41:59] Sure, movie mailbag.

[42:00] Movie mailbag, mailbag for movies, letters from movies, writing letters, how does a movie write a letter, let's find out now, Dan.

[42:10] Your songs, your intro songs are getting more and more inaccurate.

[42:14] I'm moving my intro songs into strange new territories.

[42:18] This letter is titled,

[42:20] Do you need another excuse to discuss Bratz, the movie?

[42:24] Nope.

[42:24] Did Nostradamus write this letter?

[42:28] In a quatrain?

[42:30] It's titled, I'm sorry, it's addressed,

[42:34] Dear OP, Original Peaches.

[42:36] Nice.

[42:37] I went back through the catalog,

[42:39] and it seems like this was never discussed.

[42:41] Eurasian Bratz's love interest in the film

[42:43] was played by Chet Hanks,

[42:45] The other child doomed to live in Tom's shadow.

[42:48] Chet also appeared as student in library in the newest Indiana Jones and pizza delivery boy in Larry Crown.

[42:55] I'm just going to mention that it's better to live in Tom Hanks' shadow than live in Tom Hanks' closet as his third son has had to do.

[43:03] The evil son.

[43:05] Sure.

[43:05] Shank Hanks.

[43:06] But perhaps most importantly, Chet has embarked on a rap career under the name Chet Hayes.

[43:14] And she has a YouTube link here that I'll throw up on the site.

[43:17] A friend of mine's brother has actually worked with him on those raps.

[43:21] Well, she goes on to say,

[43:23] Chet also attends Northwestern, where I imagine he is taunted every day in the quad.

[43:28] Lots of love.

[43:28] Sarah, last name with O.

[43:30] Interesting thing to bring up.

[43:31] Until he sings a rap about him.

[43:32] Yeah, and then they're like, whoa.

[43:34] So turn around.

[43:34] His solid rhymes.

[43:35] Makes her hair stand on end.

[43:38] And then they try and top that like in T-Witch.

[43:42] Well, they feel dissed, which is short for disrespected, Stuart.

[43:45] Oh, okay.

[43:46] Yeah, the brother of a friend of mine, I believe, worked as a sound engineer producer on some of those raps.

[43:51] To engineer the soundscapes.

[43:53] Yeah, and you may know Northwestern as the alma mater of frequent flophouse writer-inner-in-irritating-ways-my-brother-David.

[44:00] The soundscapes.

[44:03] Yeah, he's really molding sound into shape.

[44:06] So if you want to see the rapping child of America's male sweetheart, come to Bratz the Movie on November 2nd.

[44:14] With us, the Flophouse.

[44:16] So this is titled, Knighthood Disgraces.

[44:21] Dear Floppers, which actor with a knighthood do you think has disgraced themselves with their career choices?

[44:28] Sir Stuart Wellington.

[44:29] It seems to me that the three obvious contenders are Sir Sidney Poitier, who directed Ghost Dad and To Sir With Love 2 decades after being knighted, Sir Michael Caine, who starred in The Hand and shared the screen with Jim Belushi in Mr. Destiny, and Sir Ben Kingsley, Blood Rain, Love Guru, lots and lots of other shit.

[44:52] The dark horse in the race seems to be Sam Neill, who is a New Zealand title equivalent to the knighthood, the New Zealand Order of Merit, and has starred in that movie with the armored owls, the trashiest of all Showtime shows, and 1981's Possession, where Isabella Adjiani has sex with an octopus.

[45:09] That's an amazing movie.

[45:11] I will not have anything bad said about Possession.

[45:13] If you guys, this is not my recommendation for the night, but if you guys have not seen Possession, see it.

[45:19] It is batshit crazy.

[45:20] Sam Neill's great in it.

[45:22] Isabella Ajani is great in it.

[45:23] She has a scene in a subway tunnel where she goes crazy and is vomiting stuff up.

[45:28] That goes on forever.

[45:29] It's amazing.

[45:29] And, yes, she has sex with a tentacle monster.

[45:32] It's a fantastic movie.

[45:33] I mean, you really sold that to me.

[45:35] It is a movie that is alternately – it's a little too long.

[45:38] It's a little slow.

[45:39] But it is alternately bizarre and beautiful.

[45:41] So are we in the recommendations part of that?

[45:42] Well, and it's a beautifully shot movie.

[45:43] But anyway, I would say – oh, is the letter not done yet?

[45:46] Oh, it just says, keep up the great work.

[45:48] If you ever run out of ideas, make Elliot inhale helium because nothing is funnier than a man inhaling a poisonous gas and then talking funny.

[45:55] Yours, Lawrence, last name with hell.

[45:57] I don't already.

[45:57] Lawrence of Arabia.

[45:58] Probably.

[45:59] Lawrence Von Arabia.

[46:01] I don't already sound high-pitched enough that I need helium to.

[46:04] But I would say that there is a tradition in the British theater, and it's called do it for the money.

[46:13] And I would feel they would not be holding up their end of the knighthood if they didn't take whatever crappy job they could that would pay them.

[46:20] Like when Dame Judi Dench had to be in Air Elemental in Chronicles of Riddick.

[46:25] Exactly.

[46:25] Or my favorite story of this is when Sir Lawrence Olivier played Douglas MacArthur in the movie Inchon, which was a movie that was funded by the recently departed Reverend Sung Young Moon.

[46:38] and he demanded that they pay him in briefcases of cash

[46:41] because he didn't trust them to back any of the checks

[46:44] that they had promised him.

[46:45] If you're a British actor, you do any job for the money.

[46:49] It's just the way it is because you're a professional.

[46:51] So I guess what Ellie's saying is

[46:53] the most whorish British actor with knighthood?

[46:56] All of them.

[46:57] All of them, and that's the way it's supposed to be.

[46:59] Also, there is no way that The Borgias

[47:01] is the trashiest show on Showtime.

[47:03] I'm sorry.

[47:03] And Sam Neill was great in my third favorite

[47:05] John Carpenter movie of all time.

[47:08] That's only your third favorite?

[47:08] Memoirs of an Invisible Man.

[47:11] What?

[47:12] Why, I oughta.

[47:13] Gave you a spin-a-rooney on that one.

[47:15] Well, he's also great in my...

[47:16] That would be less than my third favorite.

[47:18] Also great in my favorite John Carpenter movie, In the Mouth of Madness.

[47:22] Although it's kind of tied with The Thing.

[47:23] But everyone's favorite is The Thing.

[47:25] The Thing, They Live, and Big Trouble in Little China, all superior.

[47:29] Big Trouble in Little China.

[47:30] In the Mouth of Madness is way better than that.

[47:32] Finest adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's themes to film.

[47:37] Big Trouble in Old China?

[47:38] No, In the Mouth of Madness.

[47:39] This is titled, Hey, Grillhouse Gang.

[47:44] I think he has the wrong podcast.

[47:46] I think he's looking for the grilled cheese podcast.

[47:48] Just a quick question as the summer winds down.

[47:51] If each of you had your own signature barbecue sauce,

[47:54] what would you name it?

[47:56] I.e., the Grillhouse House Cat Sweet and Sassy Molassie Barbecue Sauce.

[48:02] Well, that's a great name.

[48:03] Keep up the great work, and dry rubs can go fuck themselves.

[48:06] Brian, the rapidly closing in on middle-aged Canadian barbecue kid, Skinner.

[48:11] Well, Brian.

[48:13] Oh, man.

[48:14] I don't like your controversial position on dry rooms.

[48:16] I feel like this is a question for Dan.

[48:18] Of all the floppers, I think Dan spends the most time cooking.

[48:22] Yeah.

[48:23] Like that one party he showed up and he brought boy bait for all of us to eat.

[48:27] Boy bait?

[48:28] Yeah, it was called boy bait.

[48:29] It's called blueberry boy bait.

[48:31] Blueberry boy bait.

[48:32] That sounds worse somehow.

[48:33] It's bait that you use to bait a boy.

[48:36] You can bait that boy if you want to bury him

[48:39] Yeah, it's still creepy

[48:40] It's also known as husband bait in certain

[48:42] So what would your sauce be, Dan?

[48:44] Look, if that bait's not going to help me find old Scratchy

[48:49] The biggest catfish in Skull Lake

[48:52] Then I am not interested

[48:53] I've been trying to get Scratchy for years now

[48:58] And he keeps on missing

[48:59] But I'll catch him, I'll catch him alright

[49:03] What's your flavor?

[49:04] It would be probably salty.

[49:06] I've come to love that fish in a way I can't love another human being.

[49:08] Anyway, what would your sauce be?

[49:10] Molasses cancer sauce.

[49:14] Oh, no.

[49:15] See, he tied it in with the movie we watched, A Little Bit of Heaven.

[49:17] Too soon.

[49:18] That's a tough one.

[49:20] Yours would be salty and probably really vinegary.

[49:24] So it's a Carolina sauce.

[49:27] Yeah, definitely.

[49:27] Is there a sauce that causes depression?

[49:30] Elliot's would be super sweet and delicious, and everybody wants it all the time.

[49:33] Thank you.

[49:34] But it's just sometimes too knowledgeable for its own good.

[49:37] Yeah, it's a little, it's a pedantic sauce.

[49:40] I think that the metaphor is falling apart at this point.

[49:41] And also when you eat it, you get a phone call that tells you you have a week left to live.

[49:44] Until a ghost girl comes from the TV.

[49:47] Stuart, that leaves you.

[49:50] It's going to have some kind of drink in it.

[49:52] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[49:53] Coors Light based barbecue sauce?

[49:54] It's a Coors Light based barbecue sauce.

[49:56] It tastes like Castle Freak.

[49:58] Penises.

[50:00] It tastes so good it makes you rip off your own ding dong.

[50:03] Maybe your sauce is more of like a blue cheese dressing

[50:07] because you poured over something that's shredded like lettuce.

[50:09] Yeah, oh, nice.

[50:10] Nice, there you go.

[50:11] You just pour that blue cheese sauce all over your food.

[50:15] Let's just keep moving on, shall we?

[50:17] This letter's titled Newsies.

[50:22] I like it already.

[50:23] Newsies.

[50:24] I like it already.

[50:24] Santa Fe.

[50:27] One complaint, and guys, this is a deep cut.

[50:30] Back in 2010, in the podcast about surrogates...

[50:33] That is a deep cut. I forgot we did that movie.

[50:35] Stewart announces proudly that he is a newsie,

[50:37] and then Dan and Elliot imply that he must be an orphan who lives on the street

[50:41] because, as Elliot says,

[50:42] what parent lets their kid be a newsie if they have a home?

[50:46] Uh-oh.

[50:46] Not only is this historically inaccurate...

[50:49] I know that there are newsies with a home and a family in the movie.

[50:51] It's not even in line with the canon of the groundbreaking Disney film and Broadway musical.

[50:55] In the film, Jack Cowboy Kelly befriends David and Les Jacobs,

[50:59] as brothers who become newsies when their father

[51:01] is forced out of work due to his broken arm.

[51:03] And he eats at their house. After a long day of

[51:05] selling papers, David and Les bring Jack

[51:07] home for dinner with their family,

[51:09] where Jack learns for the first time what a family

[51:11] is, as evidenced in the song Santa Fe.

[51:14] So this is what they call

[51:16] a family.

[51:17] Mother, daughter, father, son.

[51:19] But you're all the way in Santa Fe.

[51:22] Get a map.

[51:23] Take a look

[51:24] over there's where it's located.

[51:27] Although Jack Kelly clearly had

[51:29] no idea what a family was. Educational standards

[51:32] were not great in 1899.

[51:33] Not all Newsies were orphans who lived

[51:35] in Newsboys' lodging houses.

[51:37] Even the boys who did live in the lodging houses

[51:39] were not abandoned orphans, as Dan says.

[51:41] As shown in Patrick's mother's verse in the song

[51:44] Carrying the Banner.

[51:45] Patrick, darling, since you left me

[51:47] I am undone. Mother loves you.

[51:49] God save my son.

[51:51] Mother loves you.

[51:54] I know I'm not related to any of you.

[51:56] That's the most touching part of the movie

[51:57] as far as i'm concerned is the mother's part of that it comes after the nuns give the bread out

[52:01] to the kids she says i'm not i know i'm not related to any of you probably but if elliot's

[52:06] brother can write in correcting stupid sports trivia that no one really cares about he can't

[52:10] do that i can too in fact i can do one better anytime you need to fact check your newsies

[52:15] references you can take a break from recording the podcast and send me an email i will respond

[52:20] within three to five business days too long too way too long here's in flops sarah last name with

[52:26] well we appreciate your fact checking newsies and i hope that we can turn to you whenever we

[52:31] have any questions in the kenny ortega canon elliot you saw newsies before it was on broadway

[52:36] you saw it on previews i saw it well the reason i saw newsies yeah you saw it as a movie well yeah

[52:40] i also i also saw it in the theaters as a movie yes as a kid but uh newsies the hit broadway

[52:46] musical actually started its run at the paper mill playhouse in milburn new jersey my hometown

[52:51] one of the finest regional theaters in the eastern seaboard so of course i took my wife who's a big

[52:57] newsies fan to go see it uh and it was actually kind of nice partly because this is my hometown

[53:03] i was able to take her to a place we hadn't been to in it before but her grandparents went on a

[53:09] date to that same theater in the 1940s they took the train out from new york to milburn went to

[53:13] the theater saw a show eventually got married and uh had kids who had kids it was all meant to be

[53:19] And people say that you're kind of robotic

[53:22] And don't understand love

[53:24] But look at this dude

[53:25] I understand romance slightly

[53:27] What you humans call romance

[53:29] But uh

[53:31] Yeah and Paper Mill Playhouse

[53:32] I think Anne Hathaway performed there at some point

[53:35] Oh your ex-girlfriend

[53:36] Ex-wife

[53:38] No we don't know each other

[53:40] And uh so the last

[53:42] The last letter of the evening

[53:45] From Keith

[53:46] Last name held forth Hannaford

[53:48] It's titled

[53:49] Science Fiction Trivia

[53:50] This letter says

[53:53] What does a space bull do

[53:57] In a space rodeo

[53:58] Space bucks

[54:00] That was not trivia

[54:02] First off not trivia so

[54:04] I was ready to answer a question about the day the earth stood still

[54:07] Or childhood's end

[54:09] And then we get that joke from what

[54:11] 101 space jokes for kids

[54:13] It took a lot of effort dude

[54:16] It took a lot of effort to copy that down with one hand onto the Wall-E style book.

[54:21] You're a great joke, and you can point it.

[54:23] Hold open the book with one hand and punch it into his iPhone in the other.

[54:27] No, you're right.

[54:27] That was a fantastic joke.

[54:28] Fantastic Space Bucks joke.

[54:30] Space Bucks.

[54:31] Space joke.

[54:31] So what do we do now?

[54:34] We fucking wrap this thing up or something?

[54:36] No, no, no.

[54:36] We recommend things.

[54:37] Recommendations.

[54:37] This is the part of the podcast where we recommend a movie, perhaps that we've seen recently,

[54:42] perhaps not that we actually liked in contrast to the nonsense we review on this this podcast

[54:49] so stewart is there a movie that you would like to recommend to our listeners uh yeah i got a

[54:55] quick recommendation here i just watched a little danish movie called pusher uh we have some danish

[55:03] fans out there hey guys uh you guys came into my bar one night we had beers uh so pusher is the

[55:10] first movie by danish director nicholas wendy reffin i guess that's how you pronounce it better

[55:15] known here for drive and it's uh yeah and previous stewart recommendation valhalla rising he also

[55:21] made bronson yeah and he also made bronson and uh you ever want to see thomas hardy it's a story

[55:27] hardy oiled up and giant it is a fan that's a great scene though yeah he's nude and he makes

[55:34] the the jailer he's crazy wax oil him up so that he can slip out of the guard's grips better

[55:39] uh so pusher is the story of a low level uh drug dealer a pusher if you will gets in over his head

[55:46] and has uh finds himself in debt to some dangerous men has to make that money back

[55:52] uh and specifically it features one of a flop house fave mad about mads mads mickelson

[55:58] uh in a great role featuring a head tattoo so man mads mickelson i hope you guys at home are

[56:05] as mad about Mads as I am.

[56:07] As we are. As America's going to be when

[56:09] his new Hannibal Lecter show comes out. And when

[56:11] the Thor movie comes out. He's the villain in it.

[56:13] He's all over the place. Mads Mikkelsen.

[56:15] It's going to be Mads Madness.

[56:16] Yeah, that was mine.

[56:20] Well, I will say

[56:21] as happens occasionally.

[56:23] I was on a plane recently. As happens?

[56:24] All your recommendations for like

[56:27] six months now have been plane movies.

[56:29] I'm sorry. I'm a

[56:31] globetrotter. It's the only environment he likes to watch

[56:33] a movie. I'm starting to think that you get plane tickets

[56:35] to see movies if you can see think of a better way to watch movies i'd like to hear have you

[56:40] guys noticed that the price of movie tickets have gone way up they're anywhere from 300 to

[56:44] a thousand dollars and the screens have gotten smaller uh so i saw a movie though that i would

[56:49] recommend even if i was not on a plane i know that the joke has been that i recommend plane

[56:55] movies to watch on a plane not the joke the truth i actual events it's not that funny

[57:01] i saw on the way back uh from la recently uh the five-year engagement

[57:08] uh starring jason siegel and emily blunt and i enjoyed it thoroughly like this is

[57:15] this has been i've this is this was a flop in the sort of uh the the recent group of

[57:22] in terms of money it was a flop uh but yeah but it was it was critically well received

[57:28] and i think that jason siegel sort of quietly became the most talented member of that group

[57:35] like in terms of what he's written there's a lot of sweetness in what he writes and um he steers

[57:42] away from the problem that i know you have with a lot of the judd habit out movies which is

[57:45] the characters are unmotivated so you're like why should i care about these yeah they're lazy

[57:50] slackers who are unlikable yeah whereas five-year engagement is about two likable motivated people

[57:56] who have their likable love story

[58:00] slowly ruined by circumstances

[58:02] that are mostly external to them

[58:04] and need to figure out a way to combat that.

[58:09] And it's a good romantic comedy

[58:11] about real life, I feel like, adult concerns.

[58:14] And it has a strong supporting cast.

[58:17] It's got Rishi Phan is in it.

[58:20] It's got Brian Poussain, Mindy Kaling,

[58:26] Chris Parnell.

[58:26] Is Stanley the dog in it?

[58:28] What about Dr. Orangutan?

[58:29] Dr. Orangutan is not.

[58:30] I want to mention, by the way,

[58:31] we know that they're called Orangutans.

[58:33] His name, as Stuart corrected me earlier tonight,

[58:36] is Dr. Orangutan.

[58:37] So, David, stop typing that email.

[58:39] Do not type in an email.

[58:40] Don't explain to us how Orangutans

[58:42] and the Giants are related in some way.

[58:44] But, yeah, that's my recommendation.

[58:46] So, the five-year engagement.

[58:48] Part of me now wants to officially recommend Possession

[58:52] just because it's a...

[58:53] If you're interested in a crazy movie,

[58:55] Go see Possession.

[58:56] I am.

[58:56] You should see it.

[58:57] It is about a woman who leaves her husband and her lover for a tentacle monster.

[59:01] But anyway, that's not the movie I came in tonight meaning to recommend.

[59:06] Is that the movie, this is going to mark me as pervasory number one,

[59:10] is that the movie with Kate Beckinsale's one nude scene too?

[59:13] No, she's not in that.

[59:14] That's a different movie with the same title.

[59:15] Mr. Skin.

[59:17] Harold Skin.

[59:20] Sure.

[59:21] The movie I wanted to recommend is one I actually just saw this weekend for the first time,

[59:25] although I've been wanting to see it for a while,

[59:26] which is a movie called Culloden.

[59:28] It's by Peter Watkin,

[59:30] who you may know as the director of the movie The War Game,

[59:33] which was a British documentary from the mid-60s

[59:36] about what would happen to England

[59:38] if a nuclear war took place.

[59:40] So not the one about Joshua and Whopper.

[59:42] No, not War Games, but The War Game.

[59:45] This is an earlier documentary of his

[59:48] from a couple years earlier,

[59:49] but it uses a similar style.

[59:50] It's about the Battle of Culloden

[59:52] between the english army and the highland clans in scotland this is the battle that ended the

[59:59] attempt by the pretender of the throne bonnie prince charlie to retake scotland for his family

[1:00:04] it is the battle that the movie credits was basically destroying the clan culture of highland

[1:00:08] scotland which is a very strange culture that is a lot more different from what we're used to than

[1:00:14] you'd think because you think scotland is just being you know a regular place uh but it's shot

[1:00:19] in a documentary style as if there was a documentary team on the scene covering this

[1:00:25] battle interviewing the people involved in it and it sounds like it could be very hokey but they do

[1:00:29] a fantastic job with it and it comes off really bringing the battle to life and bringing these

[1:00:33] people to life and kind of the ordinary folks who fought in it and how their lives changed as a

[1:00:39] result so it's really good sounds kind of like the office it's a like a non-funny historically

[1:00:45] accurate, brutally bleak version

[1:00:47] of The Office, called Kaladin.

[1:00:49] So, three recommendations

[1:00:51] down. Three solid recommendations.

[1:00:53] So, uh,

[1:00:56] I guess that all that's left

[1:00:57] is to say goodnight to our friends.

[1:00:59] Tuck them into bed.

[1:01:00] Podcast land.

[1:01:02] Just read them a story called

[1:01:05] A Little Bit of Heaven.

[1:01:06] The candle next to their bed has burned down

[1:01:09] to but a nub.

[1:01:10] The nub, yep.

[1:01:13] And the moon is clearly shining through the

[1:01:15] window a slight breeze blows the curtains and across the moors we can hear the howling of the

[1:01:21] wolf a mouse peeks his head out of a hole also holding a tiny candle holder and and wearing a

[1:01:27] nightcap he adjusts his tiny glasses then takes them off sets them besides the matchbox which is

[1:01:33] lies in and pulls the covers tight around him for he too hears the howling of made out of a

[1:01:39] Discarded handkerchief.

[1:01:41] Yeah, it's a discarded handkerchief.

[1:01:43] And we creep back to our room, blowing you a kiss from the door.

[1:01:47] The stage is dim.

[1:01:48] Where are the players?

[1:01:50] And drop to our knees next to the bed and pray to God to keep these blessings safe from the wolf outside our door across the moors.

[1:01:58] Good night, everyone.

[1:02:00] Good night.

[1:02:08] Dan, that's a frothy-looking beer you got there, buddy.

[1:02:10] Yeah, who poured that?

[1:02:12] This guy.

[1:02:13] Not the guy in the movie.

[1:02:14] That guy poured all head.

[1:02:16] Yeah, terrible.

[1:02:16] Like, head of the family.

[1:02:17] Or head of the class.

[1:02:19] Yeah, I guess there was a lot of head in Head of the Class.

[1:02:21] Yeah.

[1:02:21] Well, every episode had at least one character give head to another character.

[1:02:24] I didn't know that.

[1:02:25] Yeah, that's why it was canceled after one episode and replaced with a show about a classroom.

[1:02:30] I thought it was mainly just Arvid giving people head.

[1:02:33] That was the reboot.

[1:02:34] Arvid.

[1:02:38] That was a very Letterman moment.

[1:02:40] Just repeating the name Arvid.

[1:02:41] Arvid.

[1:02:42] Arvid.

The Flop House: Episode #111 - A Little Bit of Heaven

Chapters

Transcript

Description