The Flop House: Episode #112 - The Raven

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In tonight's episode, we discuss The Raven, from the makers of That's So Raven.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:40] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:42] And I'm Elliot Kalin again.

[0:45] You may notice that my voice sounds a little different. I have a cold.

[0:49] That's right, Dan's going through the change.

[0:50] So guys, how much sexier does my voice sound right now? Like 40%?

[0:55] Well, for people who find sickness sexy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:58] Well, when you're staring at me like you are right now, it's like a million percent.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] Hey, hey guys, how you doing?

[1:04] That's good, now lean closer, yep.

[1:07] Flophouse, come into your ear holes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09] Mess up your hair a little bit more.

[1:12] So for anyone who has a contamination fetish, Dan sounds sexier to you right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] But my cold cannot dampen my spirits, because you know what? It's my favorite time of the year.

[1:21] What time is that, Dan?

[1:23] Fourth of July? Sukkot, which is right now!

Elliott Kalan

[1:25] Well, it just ended. Sorry, Dan.

[1:27] What did you do for Sukkot Torah?

[1:29] No, that's not it.

[1:30] It's Shocktober, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[1:32] Oh!

[1:34] Chain rattles!

[1:35] Ah, ah, ah!

[1:36] Lightning!

[1:37] Skeleton bones!

[1:38] Boogin, boogin, boogin!

[1:39] It's the holiest month on the Flophouse calendar.

[1:45] The only month, as far as I'm concerned, on the Flophouse calendar.

[1:47] Oh, man.

[1:48] That's the month that we watch a slightly higher percentage of horror movies than we would in a normal month.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54] Yep.

[1:54] It's like, it's the one month of the year that the sun is actually shining for me.

[1:59] Every other month, 11 months of the year, it's dim and cloudy, and the leaves are rattling against the windows.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] I mean, that sounds like Shocktober to me.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] Yeah, that sounds like what October is for everybody else.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] But tonight we watched a movie, I wouldn't call it a horror movie per se, but it has horror themes.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] I would call it a suspense thriller.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] Like a classy horror movie.

[2:20] It's got...

[2:20] With literary overtones.

[2:22] Yeah, a macabre touch.

[2:24] And that movie...

Elliott Kalan

[2:25] Yep, macorn on the macabre.

[2:27] That's a good one, dude.

[2:28] Thank you.

[2:29] AV Club, put it up top.

[2:31] Macorn on the macabre.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] Old Elliot quotables Kalen over here.

Dan McCoy

[2:36] It's his notable quotable for tonight.

[2:39] Oh, there'll be more.

[2:40] This movie was called The Raven, after the Edgar Allan Poe poem of the same name.

[2:47] Not the bird of the same name?

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] So it was just, what, like a film adaptation of a story?

[2:52] Oh, a film adaptation of many Edgar Allan Poe stories.

[2:56] Like a mash-em-up?

[2:57] Filtered through the laziest possible way to tell a story about a historical figure.

[3:02] Have them solve a series of crimes.

[3:04] Okay.

[3:05] Yeah.

[3:06] So yeah, this was a...

[3:07] That's probably been done before a lot, right?

[3:09] Yeah, George Washington P.I., Abraham Lincoln Crookfinder, Martin Van Buren Crime Stopper.

[3:16] A lot of president stories.

[3:18] Let's not forget Detective Napoleon.

[3:22] Oh, just one more question.

[3:26] And of course, Edison and Chimp.

[3:27] The one where he taught a chimp how to solve crimes with him.

[3:31] That was just an electronic chimp?

[3:33] No, no.

[3:34] It was just regular Edison, regular chimp.

[3:36] Jack Klugman played Edison.

[3:38] Tony Randall played the chimp.

[3:39] It was their follow-up to the odd couple.

[3:41] But yeah, so the basic premise of this movie is that somebody is committing murders in Baltimore in the late 1840s.

Stuart Wellington

[3:50] Nobody has ever committed a murder in Baltimore.

[3:52] That's the thing.

[3:52] Well, he started it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:53] He started it.

[3:54] So everyone who enjoyed The Wire, you're welcome.

[3:56] Yeah.

[3:56] You can thank this movie for starting the trend of murders in Baltimore.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] The Baltimore murder fad that continues to this day.

Elliott Kalan

[4:03] But here's what makes the murders different than your regular gangbanging.

[4:11] Each murder, it takes the form of a play on a different Edgar Allan Poe story.

[4:17] And so Edgar Allan Poe is forced to investigate.

[4:19] You would think to clear his name, but that gets dropped pretty quickly.

[4:22] No one really thinks he did it.

[4:24] But he and a very –

Dan McCoy

[4:25] Because he's too much of a weakling drunkard.

Elliott Kalan

[4:27] Yes.

[4:27] He is a drunk, crazy person, except he's really only drunk and crazy in one scene.

[4:32] Yeah, the opening.

[4:33] To establish that.

[4:34] And then he's pretty sedate for most of it.

[4:36] But he makes a deal with a police detective.

[4:39] I'm going to help you solve these crimes.

[4:41] Then his fiancée is kidnapped.

[4:43] Bum, bum, bum.

[4:44] What?

[4:44] He gets a note from the murderer.

[4:45] And it says, you have to solve these crimes and write original Edgar Allan Poe stories around each new murder,

[4:52] or else I will kill your fiancée.

[4:54] And at the end of it, I'll reveal her location or whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[4:57] Talk about a killer fan, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] Except for all of you guys.

[5:01] Boom.

[5:01] Yeah.

[5:02] Put Stuart up on the quotes board.

[5:04] That's one for Elliot, one for Stuart, zero for Dan.

Dan McCoy

[5:08] It's Night's Still Young.

[5:09] You can change that thing.

[5:10] Except all of the murders that the murderer does are already based on Edgar Allan Poe's stories.

[5:16] So the stories that Poe writes are stories that are based on murders that are based on his stories.

Stuart Wellington

[5:21] That's the problem with being an artist is people just want you to keep turning out the same shit, you know?

[5:25] They don't want you to like push the envelope.

[5:27] Exactly.

[5:28] And this is basically...

Dan McCoy

[5:28] The Raven 2 coming, I assume, next fall.

[5:31] I don't think so.

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] It's actually based in historical fact.

[5:36] Near the end of his life, Edgar Allan Poe released special editions of each of his stories.

[5:39] So it was like, instead of the telltale heart, it was the telltale heart with little robots flying around in the background.

[5:44] Show of CGI.

Dan McCoy

[5:46] And there was the one where Fortunato tried to wall up Montressor first.

[5:52] Yeah, exactly.

[5:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] And the one where the Mask of the Red Death went, no!

[6:00] Actually, I guess that wasn't a special edition.

[6:02] That was just a prequel.

[6:03] It was pretty special.

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] I mean, he really wanted the heart and the telltale heart to be like squirting blood like right into your eyeballs.

Elliott Kalan

[6:11] But they didn't have the technology to do that in the story at the time.

[6:14] So he had to release the telltale heart, the special edition.

[6:17] Sure.

[6:19] Then they put back in the scene where the guy who kills his mentor and the telltale heart talks to Jabba the Hutt.

[6:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:25] Using the old footage.

[6:26] And it was tough because like at that point he would have stepped on Jabba the Hutt's tail, so...

[6:30] They had to write it in.

[6:31] Had to write it in.

[6:32] With some awesome eye bulging out effects.

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] So, basically...

[6:37] Literary effects, I mean.

[6:38] What we have is a race against time as Edgar Allan Poe and this very bland captain, police inspector guy.

Stuart Wellington

[6:46] Who is it?

[6:47] That guy from Luke Evans from...

[6:50] He was one of the Musketeers.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] Yeah, Stuart recognized him from Three Musketeers.

[6:53] Flaphouse fave.

[6:53] Another literary classic made better by including crazy stuff that didn't exist at the time.

[7:00] This is another one of those movies where it's the 1840s, but the policeman knows all about forensics.

[7:05] And is all CSI all over everything.

[7:08] But it's a race against time.

[7:10] And if they were the audience, they would know pretty early on who the killer was.

[7:15] But they're not the audience.

[7:16] They're the movie.

[7:17] So, it takes them a while to figure it out.

[7:20] Should I go into more detail about the different murders?

[7:23] Well, I mean, you can just...

[7:24] Or just say the end of the movie?

Dan McCoy

[7:26] I mean, we can get back to the murders.

[7:28] Like, I guess...

[7:29] Yeah, just skip to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[7:30] Well, you get to the end and you think for a second it's the...

[7:34] Edgar Allan Poe thinks that the murderer was his newspaper editor.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] Which would make sense.

[7:38] His newspaper editor is the closest to having a motive of anyone.

[7:42] Because the sales have gone up since these stories have started.

Elliott Kalan

[7:43] And it's a good red herring.

[7:45] That's a fine red herring.

[7:46] And Edgar Allan Poe discovers his body sitting at the editor's desk with his wrists just kind of skeletonized.

[7:53] I didn't really quite understand what happened to him there.

[7:55] Yeah, it was weird.

[7:55] It was like someone had slashed his wrist and they just kept going until there was this twine connecting his hand and his arm.

[8:01] And then it turns out that the villain was the typesetter.

[8:06] Ooh, who you saw in the background of a couple shots.

[8:08] I knew it.

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] I totally knew it.

[8:09] I called it, right?

[8:10] I don't remember you calling it.

[8:12] Maybe.

[8:12] You actually thought it was his fiancé's dad's manservant.

Stuart Wellington

[8:16] He has a really sinister mustache.

Elliott Kalan

[8:19] But there's so many mustaches in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[8:21] This is where the stereotype of the bloodthirsty typesetter comes from.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] And frankly, as a member of the typesetter Anti-Defamation League, I'm tired of it.

[8:30] For too long, typesetters have been typecast as murderers.

[8:34] When fully 25% of typesetters are not murderers.

[8:38] So for that one quarter of typesetters who have never tasted human blood,

[8:42] or quenched their thirst to worship the Ebon goddess.

[8:47] Unlike the raccoon that Edgar Allan Poe's character keeps.

[8:51] Oh, Edgar Allan Poe also has a pet raccoon who at one point he's dissecting a human heart on his desk.

[8:56] And I guess the raccoon's just nibbling at it or whatever.

[9:00] So that raccoon you have to assume is...

[9:01] Yeah, you don't eat the whole thing.

[9:01] It takes a while.

[9:03] It's such thick tissue.

Dan McCoy

[9:04] And then also Poe tosses him like a quarter of that heart to eat.

[9:09] Yeah.

[9:09] He's just like, well, I have this heart.

Stuart Wellington

[9:11] Yeah, only a quarter though.

[9:12] The rest is for lighters.

[9:13] It's the taste of human flesh.

[9:14] It was the taste of that hideous heart.

[9:17] You take it, raccoon.

Dan McCoy

[9:18] Turned out that raccoon was the killer at the end.

[9:21] That would have been great.

Elliott Kalan

[9:22] Well, well, Edgar Allan Poe, I'm tired of living as your pet.

[9:25] Now you've been mine.

[9:27] Game of cat and mouse, or rather raccoon and man.

Stuart Wellington

[9:30] Maybe they were expecting an orangutan to be the murderer.

Elliott Kalan

[9:35] Orangutan.

[9:35] There's no G at the end of orangutan.

Dan McCoy

[9:38] Wow.

[9:38] Who would have thought that two flop houses in a row, we would have a legitimate reason for saying orangutan.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] Yeah.

[9:46] I only hope that Shocktober continues in this fashion.

[9:48] And we watch next, the orangutan murders.

[9:52] Someone is killing orangutans.

[9:54] And it's up to a kid and a magic bike to find out who.

[9:58] Turns out it's the Bonobo.

Stuart Wellington

[10:00] We could always watch the recently released Every Which Way But Loose, right?

[10:04] Yeah, that's true.

[10:04] The recently released.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] I mean, geologically, it was very recently released.

[10:09] Sure.

[10:09] It's an eye blink on the geologic scale.

Stuart Wellington

[10:13] Oh, man.

[10:14] So there's a bunch of murders, and he catches the murderer.

Elliott Kalan

[10:16] He catches the murderer.

[10:17] Well, the murderer, in his last story, he said to the murderer, the hero of that story offers his life in exchange for his beloveds.

[10:24] And the murderer accepts it.

[10:26] And the typesetter goes, no, you can't, no.

[10:29] Which is a pretty good way to tip off that he's the murderer.

[10:32] Edgar Allan Poe goes back to the newspaper office, finds out it's the typesetter.

[10:35] The typesetter says, well, isn't that the offer?

[10:37] Your life for hers?

[10:38] And gives Edgar Allan Poe some poison to drink.

[10:41] Poe drinks it.

[10:42] The murderer leaves, and Poe finds that there's a trap door in the floor of the publishing house, which leads to.

[10:48] Telltale Heart Style.

[10:49] Telltale Heart Style, TTHS.

[10:51] Which leads to an evidence dungeon in which they're in the floor.

[10:55] His fiance.

[10:56] America's first evidence dungeon.

[10:57] That's the point of it.

[10:58] Yeah.

[10:58] It's now a tourist attraction.

[11:00] Yeah, there's a plaque there from the historic preservation committee.

Dan McCoy

[11:05] The first stupid serial killer was here.

Elliott Kalan

[11:09] Until this point, serial killers scattered their evidence all over the place so that they wouldn't get caught.

[11:14] But then Reynolds decided to change that.

Dan McCoy

[11:17] Collect it all for a policeman to find, or perhaps an author.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] And Edgar Allan Poe finds his fiancee, saves her, but then dies before being able to fully communicate the identity of the killer to the police detective.

Stuart Wellington

[11:30] And he dies in a fashion fitting historical evidence.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] Well, I mean, he dies sitting on a park bench in the cold, which is not so different.

[11:38] I mean, the story...

[11:38] Was he dying in like a ditch in the real world?

[11:40] The story I heard was that he was found in a gutter and in some kind of stupor and was taken to the hospital and died.

[11:48] But, you know, there's a couple different conflicting stories.

[11:50] I don't remember which one is totally true.

Dan McCoy

[11:52] Poor guy.

[11:53] Poor drunk.

Elliott Kalan

[11:54] Poor drunky McPoe.

[11:56] But then the typesetter head said, have you heard of this new writer in Paris, Jules Verne?

[12:02] He's pretty good.

[12:03] So the last scene is the typesetter gets off his train in Paris, gets off his ship in Paris.

Stuart Wellington

[12:09] And the audience is like, oh, here we go again.

Elliott Kalan

[12:12] Here comes the sequel.

[12:14] The Raven 2.

[12:15] The Nautilus.

[12:17] And the criminal gets into a stagecoach.

[12:21] The detective is there and shoots him.

[12:24] Because the detective, I guess...

Dan McCoy

[12:25] It's more of a handsome cab than a stagecoach.

[12:27] I mean, we are in Paris, not all the old west.

[12:29] That cab wasn't that handsome.

[12:30] Boom!

Stuart Wellington

[12:30] The killer jumps toward the detective, cut to black.

[12:35] The shot rings out and the bullet hits a pane of glass for some reason.

[12:38] And then there's a...

[12:39] Shattering glass CGI effect.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] Shattering glass themed end credit sequence.

[12:44] Like it's a Bond movie, apparently.

[12:46] Well, but that's because that's...

[12:47] I remember, I think High Fidelity, another John Cusack movie, was the first one I remember

[12:50] seeing this in, where they had a full end credit sequence after the movie that looked like

[12:56] it was meant to be the opening credit sequence.

[12:58] And they just decided, it's just going to take up time.

[13:00] Why bother?

[13:01] We'll put it at the end.

[13:02] And now you almost never see...

[13:04] Or not almost never, but you very rarely see elaborate opening credit sequences.

[13:07] Like on the Bond movies you do.

[13:09] But often you will see elaborate closing credit sequences.

[13:12] And like, I don't understand what the reason was.

Stuart Wellington

[13:13] And when you do see it, it seems to be a cause for concern or whatever.

[13:19] What?

[13:19] When you see it at the beginning?

[13:20] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[13:21] Like the girl with the dragon tattoo had a really elaborate opening sequence.

[13:24] Oh, I didn't know.

[13:24] I've still haven't seen that.

[13:25] And you know that when it happens.

[13:26] Why is that a cause for concern?

[13:27] Yeah, like Casino Royale is a really elaborate opening credit sequence.

Dan McCoy

[13:30] And the Spider-Man movies have elaborate opening sequences.

[13:35] Yeah, a lot of web effects.

[13:37] Uh-huh.

[13:39] I think it's funny though, as you pointed out, like the typesetter is like, Jules Verne,

[13:44] his works remind me a little bit of yours, Mr. Poe.

[13:47] And it's like, how?

[13:48] How do they...

[13:48] They're totally different.

[13:49] They're all about fucking murders, right?

[13:51] I mean, they're tales of the fantastic, I suppose.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] I mean, well, that's the thing.

[13:54] If he had said, they remind me of yours, not your more famous murder stories, but your

[13:59] less famous ballooning and science fiction hoaxes.

[14:02] Because Edgar Allan Poe did write, like, he wrote a story called, I think, A Month in

[14:06] a Balloon or something like that.

[14:07] Or maybe that's the Verne one.

[14:08] He wrote a story about a balloonist.

[14:10] A lot of Edgar Allan Poe's stories were like...

[14:12] The Telltale Balloon.

[14:13] The Telltale Balloon.

[14:14] It's called The Balloons in the Room Org.

[14:16] A lot of his stories were like hoaxes that could be considered very early science fiction

[14:21] that you would print in the newspaper kind of pretending if they were real or not.

[14:24] So in a way, the theme of, like, him printing stories based on real murders in the newspaper

[14:30] is a clever one, but they don't do it well enough.

Dan McCoy

[14:33] But yeah, it's just like the killer being fixated on Poe makes sense as it's written,

[14:39] but then him being fixated on Jules Verne doesn't make sense.

[14:42] It's like, I'm going to go and I'm going to carry out some steampunk murders in France.

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] It's almost like they were like, maybe this movie will make a lot of money.

[14:51] We'll have a sequel with steampunk murders.

[14:53] Nah, we'll just hail him at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[14:55] Have you heard of this Charlie Dickens?

[14:58] So do you think the movie could have been any better if they'd made an effort to just have it be like,

[15:03] there's a guy murdering people in Baltimore and Edgar Allan Poe gets wrapped up in it

[15:09] because, you know, he writes, you know, murder stories or whatever,

[15:13] instead of murders that are specifically about stories he's written.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] Well, I would, I mean, I like the idea of, I think they should have kept,

[15:21] not that the murders are based on stories he's written,

[15:23] but maybe that he still has to write, he still gets the challenge to write stories based on them.

[15:28] I like the idea of a killer who is a fan of the author,

[15:31] but, and wants to inspire his hero to write new stories because his hero has writer's block.

[15:37] But it's still just such a lazy thing to, like,

[15:40] oh, well, Edgar Allan Poe's life was really fascinating.

[15:42] He was dogged by depression and melancholy.

[15:45] He came up with some of the most frightening and original visions in American weird literature.

[15:50] We'll have him solve some crimes.

[15:52] Like, we'll just have him fight a serial killer or some shit.

Dan McCoy

[15:54] And, well, but also having him solve these crimes that are based on his murders,

[16:00] or his tales, like, it plays into that laid out trope of the serial killer,

[16:07] who is so super powerful that he can arrange all these crazy cat and mouse games.

[16:12] Like, if he was just a murderer.

Elliott Kalan

[16:14] He's just a regular klutzy serial killer.

[16:16] Always making mistakes getting his foot caught in a chamber pot.

Dan McCoy

[16:19] No, but he's just a serial killer who, like, was obsessed with Poe.

[16:23] That's one thing.

[16:23] But if he's going to, like, set up a huge fucking pendulum with a razor on it,

[16:28] then no one noticed that he, like, imported these gears.

[16:31] I will.

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] We should talk about, well, he had those for us.

[16:35] We should talk about the murders, but I will say I'm glad they didn't go the route of, like,

[16:39] a Shakespeare in love type thing where it's like these are the real-life murders that inspired Poe's greatest tales, you know.

[16:47] And they've been hidden from people's view for all this time or some nonsense.

[16:51] Yeah.

[16:52] No, you're right.

[16:53] That would have been shittier.

[16:54] But let's talk the murders.

[16:57] So the first murder is based on murder in the room org.

[16:59] There's a lady with her throat cut and another lady who's dead stuffed in a chimney.

[17:02] Just like in murder in the room org.

[17:04] Makes you think there's going to be an orangutan.

[17:06] There isn't.

[17:07] Disappointed.

[17:07] I'm already kind of mad.

[17:09] Next murder.

[17:10] Is that the pendulum one?

[17:11] Yep.

[17:12] It is an enormous, crazy Sherlock Holmes movie pendulum.

[17:17] Like, it's a Wild Wild West giant gears pendulum.

Stuart Wellington

[17:20] Yeah, he, like, fucking built the, like, archway for the pendulum with bricks and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[17:26] Like, it's totally crazy and huge.

[17:28] But the pendulum scene is kind of fun because they really, it slashes through that guy's belly a lot.

Dan McCoy

[17:32] Yeah, like, it goes through the belly more times than you would expect.

[17:36] I think blood splatters all over the camera at least one moment.

[17:38] You would expect it to go through his belly, like, two times, maybe three.

[17:41] But it goes through at least five times.

Elliott Kalan

[17:43] And he's been slashed in half a couple times.

[17:45] And he's still like, ah!

[17:47] Grr!

[17:48] Ah!

[17:48] He has amazing fortitude.

[17:50] I might be able to do it still.

[17:52] And one of the reasons they think Poe is involved in some ways is because the second victim is a literary critic that Poe had a rivalry with through the newspapers.

[18:02] So it's not like, there's a very brief moment when the police think, maybe Poe did this.

[18:07] But then they just changed it.

Dan McCoy

[18:08] They meet him and they're like, he's kind of a turd.

[18:10] Probably didn't do it.

[18:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] He's kind of a weakling.

Dan McCoy

[18:12] Then there's one that's going to be based on the mask of the Red Death.

[18:16] But that's a red herring to cover up the kidnapping of Elizabeth.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] His fiancée, Elizabeth, her father throws a big masked ball.

[18:26] And the guy...

Dan McCoy

[18:28] Everyone is Harlequins and such.

Stuart Wellington

[18:30] Her father played by Brendan Gleeson using probably the hokiest Balmer accent I've ever heard.

Elliott Kalan

[18:37] All the accents are all over the place in this movie.

[18:39] And I'm glad not everybody did an English accent.

[18:41] But since like by the 1840s, people didn't really, in America, had different accents.

[18:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:46] But Cusack is definitely doing like a half English thing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:49] I don't know.

[18:50] I think he's just doing a more mannered version of his own voice.

[18:52] That's old-timey.

[18:53] He's just doing old-timey, yeah.

[18:54] And one thing that is irritating is there's like a bar fight.

[18:58] And as soon as it starts, oh, cue that Irish fiddle music.

[19:02] It's the 19th century.

[19:03] There's no music that exists except Irish fiddle.

[19:06] And look, I like Irish fiddle music.

[19:07] I like fiddle music in general.

[19:09] It's fast-paced.

[19:10] It gives a lot of energy to a scene.

[19:12] It's good for a brawl.

[19:13] It's good for a brawl.

[19:14] Yeah.

[19:14] But every 19th century thing you see, it's shot in the same color palette of like dank greens and golden browns.

[19:22] And it has Irish fiddle music.

Dan McCoy

[19:24] Well, they didn't have bouncers back then.

[19:26] All they knew is that music had charms to soothe the savage beast.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] So it's like, there's a fight, break it out.

[19:31] Quick, play that fiddle.

[19:32] Exactly.

[19:32] Actually, it's pretty accurate.

[19:33] That probably is the kind of thing that they did.

Stuart Wellington

[19:35] I think in the original version of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, where there's the bar room brawl, they use Irish fiddle music as well.

Elliott Kalan

[19:41] It's like, for a while, the go-to music for a brawl was banjo music.

[19:46] And then it was like, they were like, let's retire the banjo.

[19:49] Lift it up into the rafters.

[19:51] We'll bring down the Irish fiddle.

[19:53] And then someday they'll retire that and they'll bring in like an accordion or something.

[19:57] A hammered dulcimer.

[19:58] Yeah, a hammered dulcimer.

[20:01] They'll bring in just a snare drum.

[20:03] That'll be the new brawl music.

Dan McCoy

[20:05] Yeah, hot snare.

[20:06] Some hi-hat.

Elliott Kalan

[20:07] It also is used for chase scenes.

Dan McCoy

[20:09] But then there were a couple murders.

Elliott Kalan

[20:11] Oh, so the Mask of the Red Death, no actual murder there.

[20:14] Lesser known.

Dan McCoy

[20:15] Yeah.

[20:15] What were they?

[20:15] Like lesser known de Bon stories?

[20:18] Is that what?

Elliott Kalan

[20:18] Well, there's one that's based on, that makes reference to Casca the Montiato.

[20:23] That's later on.

[20:24] But before that, there's one, there's a story called The Case of M. Voldemar.

[20:29] Right.

[20:29] Where a character is in half, he is not dead yet, but he's through some kind of like hypnosis.

[20:36] He is halfway between life and death and he can still speak.

[20:39] Okay.

[20:39] And they kind of reference that by having the serial killer leave a cut out tongue for Ed Grell and Poe to find.

[20:45] Yeah.

[20:46] Then they find, then there's the Mask of the Casca the Montiato.

[20:52] Yeah.

[20:52] And are there other ones?

[20:55] I think that might be it.

[20:55] I can't remember if there are any more murders after that.

Dan McCoy

[20:56] I kept expecting there to be like a hop frog one where they cover someone in pitch and put feathers on them.

Elliott Kalan

[21:02] And they don't really do a telltale heart one necessarily except that it turns out she's buried under the floor, you know.

Dan McCoy

[21:08] Yeah.

[21:09] So, Poe.

[21:10] Yeah.

[21:11] Poe stories.

[21:12] Poe stories.

[21:12] What are you going to do?

Elliott Kalan

[21:13] It's still entertaining today as they were 160 years ago.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] Yeah.

[21:17] If anything, the movie reminded us of something we liked.

Elliott Kalan

[21:20] That's true.

[21:21] And it was like a, at times it was like a weak retread of like From Hell.

[21:28] But at other times it was like, oh yeah, this does remind me of Edgar Allan Poe.

[21:31] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[21:31] I like that.

[21:32] We were a little disappointed because in the first scene I would describe, I said that John Cusack's performance was kind of like Nicolas Cage doing Robert Downey Jr. in the Sherlock Holmes movies.

[21:47] Like it was at that pitch.

[21:49] Very high pitch.

[21:50] Later on it calmed down.

[21:52] And I was disappointed that it calmed down to the degree that it did.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] Yeah.

[21:55] It's too bad because it's probably in some, well, to really get a good Poe, he should have been swinging wildly.

[22:02] Between manic and depressive.

[22:05] Like really quiet and calmed down and sad.

[22:08] And then like yelling at people and drunk.

[22:11] Like that would have been more fun.

[22:12] Not in real life, obviously.

[22:13] Poe was a handful.

[22:14] Very hard to deal with.

[22:15] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[22:16] But uh...

[22:17] I had the stories I could tell you about Poe.

Elliott Kalan

[22:19] Oh, me and Poe.

[22:20] The times I had with Poe.

[22:22] Me and EAP.

[22:24] But uh...

[22:25] I used to call him Wyatt Eep.

[22:26] But uh...

Stuart Wellington

[22:28] The...

[22:28] Okay.

[22:29] When would he call him that?

[22:30] Like at dinners and...

Elliott Kalan

[22:31] Yeah, like if I was...

[22:32] If I called him up on his phone.

[22:34] I understand.

[22:34] Well, Wyatt Eep.

[22:35] He had one.

[22:35] We had those next tells.

[22:36] So it was like, chirp, chirp.

[22:38] Wyatt Eep.

[22:39] Where you at?

[22:39] And then he'd say, good friend.

[22:42] I am at the liquor house.

[22:44] I'll meet you there.

[22:45] I'll meet you there, Holmes.

Dan McCoy

[22:47] Poe has become the mayor of the liquor house.

Elliott Kalan

[22:49] Yeah, he was big on Foursquare.

[22:52] Yeah.

[22:53] But uh...

[22:54] He was...

[22:55] But for most of the movie,

[22:55] Edgar Allan Poe.

[22:57] For most of the movie,

[22:57] John Cusack is just really...

[22:59] He became the mayor.

[23:00] Oh, he became the mayor.

[23:01] He transformed.

[23:02] It's like Lloyd...

[23:03] He transformed.

[23:03] It's like a more mannered Lloyd Dobler in a goatee.

[23:06] Like, he's not that exciting or interesting

[23:09] and he's fairly low energy.

[23:11] Van Dyke was doing all the acting,

[23:12] is what you're saying?

[23:13] Yeah, Dick Van Dyke was doing all the acting for him.

[23:15] No, but it did feel like

[23:17] John Cusack did a little bit of like

[23:19] sleepwalking through the movie,

[23:21] you know, which is too bad

[23:21] because that first scene,

[23:22] you're like,

[23:23] this is gonna be good.

[23:24] Oh boy, this is Vampire's Kiss level acting.

Stuart Wellington

[23:27] He was gonna be the splash of color

[23:28] in an otherwise completely drab movie.

[23:31] Otherwise very drab movie.

[23:32] Because I love Brendan Gleeson.

[23:33] He's boring except for his wacky accent

[23:35] every once in a while.

[23:37] Luke Evans,

[23:38] just like in Three Musketeers,

[23:40] is basically a cardboard cutout.

[23:42] Yeah, the girl is...

[23:42] That lady was pretty,

Dan McCoy

[23:43] but she was stuck in a box most of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] And while I do like pretty ladies stuck in boxes,

[23:49] you all know that.

[23:50] Yeah, Boxing Lane is your favorite movie.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] Yeah.

[23:51] But mostly because you think it's about

[23:53] Helen of Troy becoming a boxer,

[23:55] which it's not.

[23:55] You've seen it many times.

[23:57] But every time I trick myself.

Dan McCoy

[23:59] Maybe this time.

[24:00] How can they punch that beautiful face?

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] That's how she wins.

[24:05] But yeah, everyone's got...

[24:06] Well, everyone's at that low level of non-energy

[24:09] that you find in a lot of movies nowadays

[24:11] where it's like...

[24:12] It feels more like,

[24:14] look, we've got the concept.

[24:16] Let's just go through the motions

[24:17] and we'll be done with it.

[24:19] And there are a couple of neat...

[24:20] There are a couple of images in the movie

[24:21] I actually kind of liked.

[24:23] They find a body that has its mouth sewn up

[24:27] and they have to cut the threads

[24:29] and then they pull a pocket watch out

[24:31] and the pocket watch's hands are set

[24:33] to like a longitude that is on a map somewhere.

[24:36] Sure.

[24:36] But I like that image of them pulling the watch

[24:38] out of the corpse's mouth.

[24:40] And then at one point,

[24:41] the fiancé is buried alive in a coffin

[24:43] but there's like a hole in the wood.

[24:45] She's managed to dig a little bit of the dirt out.

[24:47] And the kidnapper puts his mouth up to the hole

[24:51] and is just kind of like whispering something

[24:53] but you can't...

[24:54] At least on Dan's TV,

[24:55] I couldn't quite make out what it was.

[24:57] And there's something very creepy

[24:58] about just this disembodied mouth

[25:00] just whispering something incomprehensible

[25:02] from the other side of a wall.

[25:04] But other than that,

[25:05] like those brief moments

[25:06] are not born aloft

[25:08] by the structure between...

[25:10] betwixt them.

Dan McCoy

[25:13] Yeah, I mean like this movie,

[25:15] it puts together a lot of things

[25:18] that I find irritating in modern movie

[25:21] which is the juxtaposition of the modern

[25:24] and the old

[25:26] and the idea of like,

[25:28] let's take a figure that existed,

[25:30] you know, Abraham Lincoln vampire hunter style

[25:33] and stick him in this adventure

[25:34] and like, let's have a serial killer

[25:37] who has all these basically magical powers

[25:39] to predict what's going to happen

[25:41] and unlimited resources

[25:43] to set up his little cat and mouse game.

Elliott Kalan

[25:45] Yeah, he's not just two steps ahead of the police,

[25:47] he's like 80 steps ahead of the police

[25:49] at every point.

Dan McCoy

[25:50] Any one of those things is a cliche,

[25:53] but could be forgivable in a movie

[25:55] if the movie is good otherwise,

[25:56] but when you put them all together,

[25:57] you've created a movie that only exists in movie world.

Elliott Kalan

[26:00] Yeah, but let's look at some of the positives.

[26:02] A lot of funny hats,

[26:03] a lot of funny mustaches.

Stuart Wellington

[26:04] Yeah, especially the fire chief.

[26:08] Chief fire inspector.

Dan McCoy

[26:09] Those mutton chop mustache.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] Yeah.

[26:12] Where he's daring the fire to burn them off.

Elliott Kalan

[26:14] There's a part where John Cusack's house

[26:15] is burned down by the killer,

[26:17] and yeah,

[26:17] and there's a fire chief who has a big mustache.

Stuart Wellington

[26:20] What I like is that his raccoon

[26:22] clearly survives the blaze,

[26:24] and I would have liked to see that story,

[26:26] how the raccoon escapes.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] Well, that's the other thing is,

[26:29] Edgar Allan Poe basically moves in

[26:31] with the police detective

[26:32] because his house is burned down,

[26:33] brings his cage with a raccoon in it,

[26:35] and we never see a scene of the detective frustrated

[26:38] with his new messy roommate,

[26:40] having to deal with,

[26:40] like detective waking up in bed,

[26:42] there's a raccoon on his face.

[26:44] Like, you know,

[26:44] play up the odd couple.

Dan McCoy

[26:46] Does the detective own that raccoon now?

[26:48] Is that...

[26:48] You have a trained raccoon.

Stuart Wellington

[26:49] I think that's Baltimore law, yeah.

[26:50] Now that he's dead.

[26:52] You have a trained raccoon.

[26:53] You gotta use it.

[26:54] That's gold.

[26:55] That's green gold.

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] That's movie gold.

[26:57] Just like the hit film Over the Hedge.

[26:59] One of the few movies about a raccoon.

[27:02] But yeah, I think...

Dan McCoy

[27:03] I wanted to think what was happening

[27:04] when the screenwriters were like,

Elliott Kalan

[27:06] let's give Poe a raccoon.

[27:07] It's possible.

[27:08] I wonder if...

[27:09] Was that a real thing?

[27:10] I don't remember.

[27:11] Maybe he did have a pet raccoon.

[27:12] I don't remember.

[27:13] Elliot's brother David email us

[27:15] and tell us whether or not

[27:16] that was a real thing.

[27:16] Well, the Baltimore Ravens

[27:17] are named after Edgar Allan Poe's poems,

[27:19] so maybe my brother knows

[27:21] if he had a pet raccoon.

[27:23] But yeah, it does seem like a weird thing to do

[27:25] to, like, humanize Edgar Allan Poe

[27:28] by giving him this silly pet

[27:30] and then not doing anything with it.

[27:32] Like having the raccoon go,

[27:33] when something crazy happens.

Dan McCoy

[27:36] Bandit!

[27:37] Find Elizabeth!

[27:38] Find him!

[27:39] I would have loved that.

[27:40] Sniff her out, girl!

Elliott Kalan

[27:41] I don't think his name was Bandit.

[27:43] I just assume all raccoons

[27:44] That's the name of the raccoon

[27:45] in King of the Hill, I think.

Dan McCoy

[27:47] Because they look like little bandits.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] Yeah.

[27:49] Because they've got a mask, yeah.

[27:50] A little mask,

[27:51] maybe a handkerchief around its neck.

[27:53] That's the way raccoons always accessorize.

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] Dangly earring,

[27:58] maybe a bouffant wig,

[28:00] a teddy coat.

[28:00] We've got a six-shooter.

[28:02] Pearl-handed six-shooter.

[28:04] I like this cross-dressing cool raccoon we got.

Dan McCoy

[28:08] Maybe Rocket Raccoon or whatever.

[28:10] What?

[28:11] Isn't that your superhero?

Elliott Kalan

[28:12] No, Rocket Raccoon is a Marvel superhero character.

[28:15] He'll be in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie

[28:17] in theaters 2015.

[28:19] I'm confused with Rocket Raccoon.

[28:20] I'm confused with Rocket Raccoon.

[28:22] Rocket Raccoon in the World of Tomorrow,

[28:23] the hit film that features mainly,

[28:25] mainly just Carla Gugino

[28:26] and Gina Gershon nude,

[28:28] but also it's the future.

Dan McCoy

[28:30] It seems weird

[28:31] because the title would suggest

[28:32] a children's movie.

[28:34] No, it is not.

[28:35] There is explicit nudity.

Elliott Kalan

[28:37] Was Sky Captain a children's movie?

[28:39] No.

Dan McCoy

[28:40] Explicit nudity,

[28:41] and I assume lesbian themes.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] Oh, I mean they go beyond themes.

[28:46] It's not subtext, it's text.

Stuart Wellington

[28:49] Yeah, it's like that female alien

[28:51] where they trick kids like aliens.

[28:53] Yeah, people love aliens.

[28:54] Kids love females.

Dan McCoy

[28:56] This will be a good role model

[28:59] for the females.

[29:00] The female kids.

Elliott Kalan

[29:01] Who want to be aliens.

[29:03] Female kids.

[29:04] I don't know if there's a word

[29:05] for a female kid,

[29:06] but for those.

Dan McCoy

[29:09] Boys and female kids.

[29:11] Girls who want to grow up to be aliens,

[29:13] is what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] Look, we can't let species

[29:16] be the only role model for them.

[29:17] Not a positive role model.

Dan McCoy

[29:19] Also, a very breast-based female species.

Elliott Kalan

[29:24] Wait, what?

[29:24] Wait.

[29:25] Have you ever seen a female alien

[29:27] in a movie that didn't have breasts?

[29:29] Come on, these are for...

Dan McCoy

[29:30] Force 2, also very nude.

[29:32] Yeah?

[29:32] Yeah.

[29:33] I think all female aliens.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] This has turned into Dan's catalog

[29:36] of nude female aliens.

[29:39] I wasn't the guy

Dan McCoy

[29:40] who mentioned species.

[29:43] You brought up rocket crocodile.

[29:45] Of course.

[29:46] I brought up rocket crocodile,

[29:48] so it's my fault.

[29:49] We're now talking about nude female aliens.

[29:52] I understand.

[29:52] I was talking about species more

Stuart Wellington

[29:53] because species 2 is really weird

[29:55] where the male species

[29:56] goes around and keeps banging chicks

[29:58] and they immediately explode with a baby.

[30:00] Yeah.

[30:01] It's really gross.

Dan McCoy

[30:02] That was...

[30:02] Well, that was...

[30:03] Super fucked up.

[30:03] Even the ginger scales.

Stuart Wellington

[30:06] It's totally unfair.

[30:07] It's super fucked up and gross.

Elliott Kalan

[30:09] Well, so species 2 was the movie we watched.

[30:13] So I guess what we're saying is

[30:14] The Raven 2, more raccoon.

[30:18] Yeah, of course.

[30:18] Less police inspector, more raccoon.

Dan McCoy

[30:20] I think that's...

[30:22] I mean, anything that has a raccoon

[30:23] and a police inspector in it,

[30:25] that's the note I would give.

[30:26] Is more raccoon?

[30:27] Yeah.

[30:27] What if the raccoon was the police inspector?

[30:30] Brilliant.

[30:30] Can I write you a check

[30:31] for a million dollars right now?

Elliott Kalan

[30:32] I'm not stopping you.

[30:34] You might want to wait

[30:35] about a hundred years to cash it.

[30:39] I'm going to postdate this check

[30:40] to after the heat death of the universe,

[30:42] but then go ahead and cash it

[30:44] and spend it on whatever thing

[30:47] with no energy there is left in the universe.

Dan McCoy

[30:50] Spend it on, I don't know, dark matter?

Elliott Kalan

[30:52] Oh, this will be very cheap at the time.

[30:54] I'll get by a lot of dark matter.

[30:56] So...

[30:57] Oh, that's probably...

[30:58] So, raccoons?

[30:59] Oh, here's the thing I'll mention.

[31:01] Okay.

[31:02] I will give it this.

Dan McCoy

[31:05] It's more...

[31:06] It was a movie.

[31:07] It's a movie.

[31:07] That was filmed.

Elliott Kalan

[31:08] It is more based on...

[31:09] It wasn't two hours longer.

[31:11] It wasn't longer than two hours.

[31:12] It was slightly shorter than two hours.

[31:14] It justifies its connection

[31:16] to Edgar Allan Poe

[31:17] much better than the 30s movie,

[31:19] The Raven,

[31:20] which stars Bela Lugosi

[31:21] and Boris Karloff.

[31:22] And Bela Lugosi is just a mad killer

[31:24] who likes Edgar Allan Poe,

[31:26] but doesn't like...

[31:27] He just happens to talk about

[31:28] how much he likes Edgar Allan Poe.

[31:30] Otherwise, it's not connected.

[31:31] But that movie,

[31:32] better than this one.

[31:33] So, I don't know what to tell you.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] I think it's time

[31:35] to give our final judgments

[31:37] on The Raven.

[31:40] Is this a good...

[31:41] Wait, hold on.

[31:42] What?

[31:43] It's Shocktober, Dan.

[31:44] Hold on.

[31:44] What the fuck?

[31:44] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] What are you doing

[31:45] with these other 11 months

[31:47] of the year ratings

[31:47] that you're about to go into?

[31:48] We can start over.

[31:50] Start all the way over.

[31:51] It's Shocktober.

[31:51] So, we have to say

[31:52] if it's spookily good, bad,

Dan McCoy

[31:53] scarily horrifying...

[31:55] No, I've got the...

[31:56] I've got the Shocktober categories.

[31:58] If it's frighteningly farty...

[31:59] Was this movie...

[32:01] Frighteningly farty?

[32:02] Yeah.

[32:03] Totally scarifying.

[32:06] Okay, scarifying.

[32:07] Was it frighteningly funny?

[32:09] Or was it totally snorifying?

Elliott Kalan

[32:13] Every movie fits into

[32:14] one of those three categories.

Dan McCoy

[32:15] Every movie ever made in history...

[32:17] I think I could have to say

[32:18] Casablanca was totally scarifying.

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] And I think...

[32:23] I'm going to say...

[32:24] Let's see.

[32:25] Well, Schindler's List

[32:26] wasn't really frighteningly funny.

[32:27] But it was spookily good, bad.

[32:29] I think, yeah.

[32:31] Spookily good, bad.

[32:32] No.

[32:33] Horrifyingly not so good.

[32:34] Totally scarifying.

Stuart Wellington

[32:37] Frighteningly funny.

Elliott Kalan

[32:38] Or nightmarishly, eh.

[32:40] Or totally snorifying.

Dan McCoy

[32:43] Which one?

Stuart Wellington

[32:43] Stuart, you go foist.

[32:46] Oh, man.

[32:46] I'm on the spot.

[32:47] I'm going to say snorifying.

[32:49] That's one of them, right?

[32:50] Yeah, that's one of them.

[32:50] He just said it.

[32:51] It was super snorifying.

[32:55] Yeah, I mean, it...

[32:56] There was no...

[32:58] There was no life in this movie.

[33:01] And all the blood was CGI.

[33:03] And there weren't enough babes.

[33:05] So not enough blood, not enough babes.

[33:06] That's two B's that were missing for Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[33:09] I'm going to say that, like, for me...

[33:11] What's weird is Stuart's other B is bagels.

[33:14] Yeah.

[33:14] Which is optional.

Dan McCoy

[33:15] For me, this was two-thirds snorifying,

[33:17] one-third scarifying.

[33:19] Because I got to say, like,

[33:21] I'm grading this on the Flophouse curve,

[33:23] which we've watched so many movies

[33:26] that any small piece of joy is amplified.

[33:31] But I wasn't bored by this movie

[33:32] the way I normally am by movies we watch.

[33:36] I thought that it had certain qualities

[33:39] that were enjoyable.

[33:40] I liked some of the Poe references.

[33:42] I thought that the direction was not bad.

[33:44] But by and large, it was pretty stupid.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] Yeah, I think I'm going to give it

[33:49] not one-third to two-third,

[33:50] but maybe 90% snorifying,

[33:52] 10% scarifying,

[33:53] if I can mix it that way.

[33:55] Like, yeah, it wasn't...

[33:56] It was not...

[33:57] It was pretty lifeless and stilted

[33:59] and uninspired,

[34:01] but it was, like, entertaining

[34:03] in fits and starts,

[34:04] and it passed the time a little better

[34:06] than some of the other garbage

[34:07] that we've watched for this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[34:10] And we haven't even brought this up,

[34:12] but this is probably the most

[34:13] Nicolas Cage-y role

[34:15] played by a non-Nicholas Cage

[34:18] It's a missed opportunity.

Elliott Kalan

[34:20] If that had been Nicolas Cage

[34:21] in that movie,

[34:21] it would instantly rock it up

[34:23] to at least frighteningly funny.

[34:25] If not, totally scarifying.

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] Because John Cusack,

[34:27] like, the Lord love him,

[34:28] but he's...

[34:29] He can't bring the crazy look out.

[34:31] He doesn't have the energy.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] That's part of the problem.

[34:33] He's great for a movie

[34:34] like Gross Point Blank,

[34:35] where he's kind of

[34:35] a laid-back character.

[34:36] Sure.

[34:37] But for a movie like...

[34:38] For when he was

[34:39] the high-fidelity guy.

[34:41] His name was High-HY-Fidelity.

[34:43] Sure.

[34:43] High-am-fidelity.

[34:45] Oh, God.

[34:46] I didn't know he was Jewish.

[34:46] Yeah, Fidelowitz.

[34:47] They changed to Dallas Island

[34:49] when they bought a record store.

Stuart Wellington

[34:52] So this is the bit

[34:54] where we talk about

[34:55] new possible bits, right?

[34:56] Where we...

[34:56] No, this is the part of the...

[34:57] Yeah, actually,

Elliott Kalan

[34:58] I have a great idea

[34:58] for a new bit.

[34:59] It's called

[35:00] If This Movie Was Starring Clowns.

[35:02] And we talk about

[35:03] how would the movie be different

[35:05] if clowns were the stars?

[35:06] Like professional clowns?

[35:07] Yeah, like the best

[35:08] professional clowns.

[35:09] Emmett Kelly...

[35:10] Probably French, right?

[35:11] What?

[35:12] They'd probably be French.

[35:12] Some of them.

[35:13] I mean, Marcel Marceau,

[35:14] if you consider him a clown,

[35:15] miming is kind of a different art

[35:17] than clowning.

[35:17] Okay, thanks.

[35:18] That guy who's with

[35:19] the Ringling Brothers Circus,

[35:20] I think his name was Balto

[35:21] or Beppo or something.

[35:23] So how would this movie be different

[35:24] if it was clowns?

[35:25] Probably funnier, right?

Stuart Wellington

[35:26] That's...

[35:26] Yeah, that's a good bit.

[35:27] I was gonna pitch a bit

[35:28] where we just play the movie,

[35:31] specific scenes,

[35:32] and we remember parts of the movie.

[35:34] We go,

[35:35] remember that part?

[35:37] You know,

[35:37] the audience would really

[35:38] get a kick out of us

[35:39] remembering the things

Elliott Kalan

[35:40] we just saw.

[35:40] Because they'd remember it

[35:41] through us.

Stuart Wellington

[35:42] Because you know what?

[35:42] I forget half this shit

[35:43] when we do these things.

[35:45] Yeah, we can tell.

[35:46] I'm drinking and checking

[35:46] my phone the whole time,

[35:48] so I don't really know

[35:49] what's going on.

Dan McCoy

[35:49] I'm gonna pitch a bit

[35:50] where what we do next

[35:51] is we read letters

[35:52] from listeners

[35:53] and we react to them.

[35:54] That one's alright,

[35:55] but what about this?

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] It's a bit called

[35:56] If John Cusack Was a Bear.

[35:58] Okay.

[35:59] Imagine the scene

[35:59] of Say Anything

[36:00] where he holds up the boombox

[36:01] if a bear had been doing it.

[36:03] Frightening.

[36:03] They would have shot him.

[36:05] If only to save the life

[36:06] of the boombox.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] This letter is titled

[36:11] Oh, are we on the letters segment now?

[36:12] Yeah, we are.

[36:13] This letter's titled

[36:14] Wushu slash John Hurt.

[36:17] And it's from Kevin,

[36:18] last name withheld.

[36:20] He says,

[36:20] Dear Flophouse,

[36:22] I just started listening

[36:23] and I love the show.

[36:23] However, two topics

[36:24] Thanks, Kevin.

[36:25] Two topics keep coming up.

[36:27] Wushu and John Hurt.

[36:28] John Hurt,

[36:29] parentheses,

[36:30] Spaceballs,

[36:31] and Wushu by...

[36:32] Best known for his cameo

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] in Spaceballs.

[36:35] That's a reference

[36:36] to another movie he's in.

Stuart Wellington

[36:37] Sir John Hurt of Spaceballs.

Elliott Kalan

[36:40] Sir John Hurt,

[36:41] for your excellent work

[36:42] in Spaceballs,

[36:44] I make thee a knight

[36:45] of the realm.

[36:46] Arise,

[36:47] Sir John Hurt.

Dan McCoy

[36:48] And Wushu fighting...

[36:50] Arise,

[36:51] Sir Spaceballs.

[36:54] John Hurt,

[36:55] and Wushu fighting,

[36:56] parentheses,

[36:57] The Three Musketeers.

[36:58] Since I was so disappointed

[36:59] with the finale

[37:00] of The Lost Experience,

[37:01] I'm excited to see

[37:02] that you were giving us

[37:03] these clues to follow

[37:04] to find out the answers

[37:05] to Flophouse mysteries

[37:06] you won't have time

[37:07] to address on the show proper.

[37:08] Yep,

[37:08] and Orangutan will be

[37:09] involved too.

[37:10] John Hurt plus Wushu fighting

[37:12] clearly has something

[37:13] to do with V for Vendetta,

[37:14] but I don't know how

[37:15] that connects to the Flophouse.

[37:17] I wait the next clue.

[37:18] That's from Kevin Lasting.

[37:19] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[37:20] this movie,

[37:20] The Raven,

[37:21] was directed by the man

[37:22] who directed V for Vendetta.

[37:24] James McTeague,

[37:25] yeah.

[37:25] So put that puzzle piece

[37:26] in the puzzle box.

Stuart Wellington

[37:27] So if you want to build

[37:29] an empire of turds,

[37:30] he's doing a pretty good job,

[37:31] right?

Elliott Kalan

[37:32] Yes,

[37:32] if you want to make

[37:33] a series of stilted,

[37:34] slow,

[37:35] boring movies

[37:36] that should be much more

[37:37] exciting and much faster paced.

[37:39] And shittier than

Stuart Wellington

[37:39] their source material.

[37:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] I mean,

[37:41] the source material for this

[37:42] would be what,

[37:43] like all the works

[37:43] of Edgar Allan Poe?

[37:44] Yeah,

[37:44] probably,

[37:45] right?

[37:45] Yeah,

[37:45] I guess so.

[37:46] It'd be hard to make

[37:46] a movie as good as that.

Stuart Wellington

[37:49] Go on.

[37:51] Lettre numero dos.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] This letter's titled

[37:55] Sight and Sound List

[37:57] Plus Emmys.

[37:58] It's from Michael,

[37:59] last name withheld.

[38:00] Hey,

[38:00] Michael,

[38:01] thanks for writing in.

[38:01] Hey,

[38:01] man.

[38:02] He said,

[38:02] I was wondering

[38:03] what your guy's take was

[38:04] on Vertigo topping

[38:05] Citizen Kane

[38:05] on the Sight and Sound List.

[38:07] Also,

[38:07] as a Flophouse superfan,

[38:09] I'd like to wish you guys

[38:10] luck in the Emmys,

[38:11] although it seems

[38:11] you won't need much luck.

[38:12] The Daily Show

[38:13] seems to own that category yearly.

[38:15] Well,

[38:16] I want to say

Stuart Wellington

[38:16] thank you for the luck.

[38:19] I'm still working on my Emmy.

[38:20] I haven't got it yet.

[38:21] But,

Stuart Wellington

[38:21] you know,

[38:22] I'm fucking due

[38:23] at this point.

[38:23] You will.

Elliott Kalan

[38:24] And this letter

[38:25] obviously predates

[38:25] our Emmy wins.

Dan McCoy

[38:26] Yeah.

[38:27] I wanted to mention that

[38:28] in part because

Stuart Wellington

[38:29] It took a long time to ship.

[38:31] Postage was rough.

Dan McCoy

[38:33] Where'd it come from?

[38:34] I just want to call out

[38:35] to some folks

[38:36] who were saying

[38:37] that they didn't see us

[38:38] on the Emmys

[38:39] or they thought

[38:39] they saw us on the Emmys

[38:40] but they were mistaken.

[38:40] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[38:40] we were not there.

[38:41] We were not at the

[38:42] primetime Emmys.

[38:43] Our writing category

[38:44] was in the

[38:45] Creative Arts

[38:46] non-televised this year.

[38:47] Well,

[38:48] it was televised

[38:48] on the Reels channel.

[38:50] It was on the Reels channel

[38:52] that if you get

[38:53] a premium movie package

[38:56] you might have Reels.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] It might get bundled in.

[38:59] Our category

[39:00] was not in the

[39:01] primetime Emmys this year

[39:02] due to an agreement

[39:03] between our union

[39:05] and the producers

[39:06] of the Emmys

[39:07] that we won't get into

[39:07] right now.

[39:08] But regardless,

[39:09] I can say

[39:10] it is a stupid agreement

[39:11] that I don't support.

[39:12] Wow.

[39:13] Deal with it.

[39:14] Specials writers.

[39:16] But thank you

[39:17] for the congratulations.

[39:18] We had a lot of fun.

[39:18] Dan won his first Emmy

[39:20] and got a little bit

[39:20] of press about it.

[39:22] Yeah,

[39:22] it was a daily variety.

[39:23] It was a lot of fun.

[39:25] I'm looking at it right now.

[39:26] Daily variety.

[39:27] It's right over there.

[39:28] And I'm trying to think

[39:29] if there's any exciting...

[39:30] And we passed by

[39:31] Mindy Kaling

[39:32] on the plane

[39:33] as we walked on

[39:34] with our Emmys.

[39:34] That's pretty exciting.

[39:35] And she tweeted about us.

[39:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:38] Star of the Mindy Project.

Elliott Kalan

[39:40] Among other things, yeah.

[39:41] I mean,

[39:42] best known for that, though, right?

[39:43] Well, she will be

[39:44] ten seasons from now.

[39:45] More importantly, though,

[39:46] this sight and sound question.

[39:48] Well,

[39:48] I will point people,

[39:50] if I can take a moment,

[39:51] to the Flophouse Facebook page

[39:53] where there was

[39:53] quite a back and forth

[39:54] discussion of the sight and sound list.

[39:56] About hamburgers and steaks.

[39:58] No, it was not a hamburger

[39:59] and steaks to scale.

[40:00] Whether the hamburger

[40:00] or the steak

[40:01] should top the science and sound list

[40:02] for best piece of meat.

[40:03] Stop the...

[40:04] But we had a long discussion

[40:07] about it

[40:08] that I thought was very helpful

[40:09] for anyone who's interested in it.

[40:11] But I will say,

[40:12] speaking for myself,

[40:12] I have no problem at all

[40:14] with Vertigo

[40:14] topping the list.

[40:15] I love Citizen Kane.

[40:16] I love Vertigo.

[40:17] They're both great.

[40:18] Vertigo is

[40:18] almost as perfect

[40:20] as a movie can get,

[40:21] in my opinion.

[40:22] It's just beautiful

[40:23] in almost every way.

[40:24] and haunting as well.

[40:26] In a way that

[40:26] you would not be able

[40:27] to do the same story

[40:28] quite as well

[40:29] in another medium.

Dan McCoy

[40:30] I mean,

[40:30] they both do different things.

[40:32] I mean,

[40:32] I think that Vertigo

[40:33] might have

[40:34] like a little more unity

[40:36] as a film.

[40:38] Like,

[40:38] and it does...

[40:39] It has

[40:40] this weird swell

[40:42] of a romantic emotion.

[40:43] but Citizen Kane

[40:45] takes advantage

[40:46] of all the components

[40:48] of being a film

[40:49] in a way that was...

[40:50] Well,

Dan McCoy

[40:50] except for CGI 3D effects.

[40:52] Sure.

[40:52] In a way that was

[40:53] obviously very new.

[40:54] Someday.

[40:55] Yeah.

[40:55] Someday we'll get there.

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] No,

[40:56] I mean,

[40:56] yeah.

[40:57] I mean,

[40:57] there was

[40:58] Citizen Kane Special Edition

[40:59] when there's more little robots

[41:00] floating around.

[41:01] No,

[41:01] they're both amazing movies,

[41:03] but like,

[41:03] there are some movies

[41:04] that if they had become

[41:05] the number...

[41:05] Like,

[41:06] Tokyo Story is a very good movie,

[41:07] but if that had been made

[41:08] number one,

[41:09] and that's always

[41:09] a sight and sound

[41:10] top ten list favorite,

[41:11] I would have been very surprised

[41:13] and not agree with it,

[41:15] but Vertigo,

[41:15] it's hard to take issue with.

[41:17] It's just a beautiful movie.

[41:18] I've seen it,

[41:19] I don't know how many times now,

[41:21] many double digits,

[41:22] and each time,

[41:23] it's just like rapturous.

Stuart Wellington

[41:27] Yeah,

[41:28] what you guys said.

[41:29] I mean,

[41:29] you guys all know

[41:30] my stance on movies.

[41:31] Yeah,

[41:31] I know.

[41:31] Castle Freak,

[41:33] Invisible Maniac,

[41:34] Head of the Family.

[41:35] Which one of those is the best?

[41:36] Big Trouble in China.

[41:37] That's for the gods

[41:39] to decide to do,

[41:40] not me.

[41:40] I'm just immortal.

[41:40] I would love if Sight and Sound

Elliott Kalan

[41:40] contacted just Stuart

[41:42] to submit his top ten

[41:43] list,

[41:44] and that was like,

[41:45] just the vote needed

[41:46] to nudge Invisible Maniac

[41:48] into the top ten.

[41:49] Sorry,

[41:50] rules of the game.

[41:51] You fell out,

[41:52] Invisible Maniac is in.

Dan McCoy

[41:54] We'd finally learn

[41:55] which had the bigger part,

[41:57] the greater part

[41:58] in Stuart's heart,

[41:59] though,

[41:59] Castle Freak

[42:00] or the Invisible Maniac.

[42:01] He would just write them

[42:01] all in at number one.

[42:05] This letter is titled

[42:07] Theme Songs

[42:08] from Lawrence,

[42:09] Last Name with Hell.

[42:10] Olivia.

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] Probably a request

[42:11] to sing one,

[42:12] Ellie.

[42:12] I would think so.

[42:13] Flophouse time,

[42:15] it's Flophouse time.

[42:16] Don't commit a crime

[42:17] because it's Flophouse time.

[42:19] Wait till it's over

[42:20] then commit that crime.

[42:21] Wait, hold on.

[42:22] Cut us in

[42:23] for a half of the take.

[42:24] We'll provide an alibi,

[42:26] Flophouse.

[42:27] Just say you were listening

[42:28] to the Flophouse.

[42:29] We're recording this.

[42:30] The judge will let you

[42:30] off the charges,

[42:32] but again,

[42:32] give us half.

[42:33] Make that 60%.

[42:35] Flophouse time tonight.

[42:37] Wow, that's so odd.

Dan McCoy

[42:38] You're recording this

[42:39] as evidence.

[42:40] Not evidence.

[42:42] I wasn't even here.

[42:43] I've got an alibi.

[42:45] He writes,

[42:46] Dear Autocrators,

[42:48] Flopricanicus,

[42:50] I recently became

[42:51] addicted to your podcast

[42:52] and buzzsawed my way

[42:53] through your back catalog

[42:54] in about a week.

[42:55] However,

[42:56] I have one complaint.

[42:57] Five years of work

[42:58] in one week.

[42:58] Oh.

[43:02] Although your podcast

[43:03] itself has a fairly

[43:04] jaunty theme,

[43:05] the individual floppers

[43:07] don't have their own

[43:07] theme songs.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] Whoa.

[43:09] Opening up Pandora's box,

[43:11] are you, Lawrence?

[43:12] Cue guitar squeal, Dan.

[43:15] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] Depriving you

[43:17] of a valuable opportunity

[43:18] for some WWF-style

[43:20] showmanship

[43:20] as you triumphantly

[43:21] enter the room,

[43:22] run around the edges

[43:23] of the table

[43:24] working the crowd,

[43:25] then triumphantly

[43:26] take your seats

[43:26] before your microphones.

Elliott Kalan

[43:28] Here are my suggestions.

[43:29] I will mention

[43:29] the crowd

[43:30] you're referring to

[43:31] is Dan's cat.

[43:32] Who would really like it

[43:33] if we would just

[43:34] shut up and not bother her.

Dan McCoy

[43:35] She would be confused.

[43:37] She usually runs

[43:38] out of the room

[43:38] if we're watching

[43:39] a movie that's too loud.

[43:41] But he says,

[43:42] here are my suggestions

[43:43] and their justifications.

[43:45] Dan,

[43:46] Godzilla's theme.

[43:48] Love it.

[43:48] Yes.

[43:49] The best flopper

[43:50] The best flopper

[43:53] gets the best song.

[43:54] What?

[43:54] A testament.

[43:55] Somebody wrote that

[43:56] into the letter, I guess.

[43:57] Yeah.

[43:57] A testament to his majesty,

[44:00] determination,

[44:01] and immense destructive power.

[44:02] That's true.

[44:04] Elliot.

[44:04] And your breath

[44:05] certainly is radioactive.

[44:07] Elliot.

[44:08] High five.

[44:09] Mommy,

[44:09] can I go out

[44:10] and kill tonight

[44:10] with the misfits?

[44:11] Love it.

[44:12] Because of his

[44:13] reedy voice

[44:13] and obsessive nature

[44:14] that remind me

[44:15] of a serial killer.

[44:16] Wait a minute.

[44:18] Stuart.

[44:19] Turbo Lover

[44:19] by Judas Priest.

[44:20] Love it.

[44:21] These are all great choices.

[44:22] In honor of Naked Sundays

[44:23] and his reportedly

[44:24] enormous penis.

[44:27] The Flophouse Housecat.

[44:28] Party All Night

[44:29] by Quiet Riot.

[44:30] Not a fan.

[44:31] This one is so obvious

[44:32] it doesn't require

[44:32] an explanation.

[44:33] I hope this keeps up

[44:34] the energy levels

[44:35] and creates a closer bond

[44:36] between you and your fans.

[44:37] Yours,

[44:38] Laura's last name withheld.

[44:39] Well,

[44:39] those are all

[44:39] mostly good choices.

Stuart Wellington

[44:41] How come

[44:41] when the idea

[44:42] of a theme song

[44:43] for Dan

[44:43] came to me

[44:44] I immediately

[44:45] was thinking of

[44:46] the sound

[44:46] of a

[44:47] Peanuts teacher

[44:48] talking like an adult?

Dan McCoy

[44:50] I mean,

[44:51] that's not a song,

[44:51] but yeah,

[44:52] that's kind of

[44:52] what it sounds like.

[44:53] I mean,

[44:53] it's musical though.

[44:53] I mean,

[44:54] the instrumental

[44:54] of Christmas time

[44:55] is here

[44:55] would not be bad.

[44:56] It would capture

[44:57] my melancholy.

[44:58] Yeah,

[44:58] that,

[44:58] what the

[44:59] do do do

[45:00] do do do

[45:01] that one.

Stuart Wellington

[45:02] I think.

[45:03] But that's not really,

[45:04] you can't run around

[45:05] Dan's living room

[45:06] dancing to that.

[45:06] He would shuffle around

[45:08] looking at the floor

[45:09] moping about.

[45:10] Gesticulating

[45:10] in front of the cat.

Elliott Kalan

[45:11] I think maybe

[45:12] fish heads

[45:12] would work for you,

[45:13] Dan.

Dan McCoy

[45:14] What about

[45:14] the title theme

[45:16] from Big Trouble

[45:17] in Little China?

[45:18] Big Trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[45:20] We run.

[45:20] Run into the

[45:22] Mystic Night.

[45:23] It's pretty good.

[45:24] I gotta say,

[45:25] those are pretty good choices.

[45:27] I think if we,

[45:28] I think the next time.

Dan McCoy

[45:29] If you wanted to choose

[45:29] something for yourselves,

[45:31] rather,

[45:31] I mean,

[45:31] like,

[45:31] these are all good choices,

[45:32] but I have to open it up

[45:34] if you wanted to choose

[45:34] something else.

Dan McCoy

[45:34] I would say some like,

Stuart Wellington

[45:35] some like classy jazz

[45:37] or something for Elliot.

[45:38] No,

Elliott Kalan

[45:39] I would want either

[45:40] Exciter

[45:42] by Judas Priest.

[45:43] Sure.

[45:45] Or...

[45:46] Ace of Spades.

[45:46] Or Ace of Spades

[45:47] by Motorhead,

[45:48] pretty much.

[45:48] Or the theme song

[45:50] I used to use

[45:50] when I used to do

[45:51] a one-man show

[45:51] in the city

[45:52] a couple times a month

[45:53] was the Quantum Leap theme.

[45:55] And I would act out

[45:56] my emotions

[45:57] during the song.

[45:59] It's pretty good.

[46:00] But Ace of Spades

[46:01] would be pretty sweet.

Stuart Wellington

[46:02] I mean,

[46:03] for me,

[46:04] anything like,

[46:05] just give me some

[46:06] Eddie Van Halen

[46:06] noodling a guitar,

[46:08] something I could do

[46:08] some karate kicks to.

[46:10] Sure.

[46:11] Something I can like,

[46:12] try and tear at my clothing.

[46:14] I mean,

[46:14] Turbo Lover

[46:14] would be pretty good for that.

[46:15] Turbo,

[46:16] yeah,

[46:16] I mean,

[46:16] it's...

[46:16] Takes a little bit

[46:17] to start up.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] Tough to mess with success,

[46:19] you know.

[46:19] And Dan,

[46:20] what would you like

[46:20] besides the Peanuts theme?

[46:22] Or the Peanuts

[46:23] Christmas time theme?

[46:24] Or the Big Trouble Little China?

[46:25] Oh, right,

[46:26] Big Trouble Little China.

Stuart Wellington

[46:27] I think we've covered it.

[46:28] Do you want to go again?

[46:29] I mean,

[46:29] just keep around to it.

[46:30] I think maybe

Elliott Kalan

[46:31] the Ninja Turtles theme

[46:32] instead of turtles

[46:33] they say Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[46:35] Yeah,

[46:35] just me,

[46:36] Mr. Belvedere theme,

[46:37] you know.

Elliott Kalan

[46:39] And I think for Dan,

[46:41] you and me, Stuart,

[46:41] would do an acapella version

[46:42] of the Saved by the Bell theme.

[46:44] Yeah.

[46:45] Or maybe my two dads.

[46:47] I think when we do a live show

[46:49] we have to enter

[46:49] to these songs now.

Dan McCoy

[46:51] I think that's a pretty good idea.

[46:52] Yeah.

[46:53] Speaking of which,

[46:53] we should plug our live show.

[46:55] Yeah,

[46:55] November 2nd,

[46:56] I believe.

[46:56] November 2nd.

[46:57] Friday night,

Elliott Kalan

[46:58] 8 p.m.,

[46:59] 92i Tribeca.

[47:00] Friday night

Stuart Wellington

[47:00] in New York City,

[47:02] New York.

Elliott Kalan

[47:02] New York City,

[47:03] New York,

[47:04] Manhattan,

[47:04] 92i Tribeca,

[47:05] 200 Hudson Street.

[47:06] Us,

[47:07] the I Love Bad Movies crew,

[47:08] we'll be showing you

[47:09] the movie Bratz.

[47:12] You've heard about it.

[47:13] You've seen about it.

[47:14] You've smelled about it.

[47:15] You've loved about it.

[47:17] Bratz.

[47:18] The movie that is the apex

[47:19] of Flophouse movie ratings.

[47:21] Although Journey to the Center

[47:22] of the Mysterious Magnificent Island

[47:24] is pretty good.

[47:26] But yeah,

[47:26] we'll be showing Bratz

[47:27] with commentary by us,

[47:29] presentation by Maxenia

[47:30] from I Love Bad Movies,

[47:32] Meovies,

[47:33] and...

[47:33] Meovies.

[47:34] Meovies.

[47:35] And it'll be

[47:36] 8 o'clock,

[47:37] Friday,

[47:37] November 2nd.

Stuart Wellington

[47:39] So this letter...

[47:40] So don't tell any paparazzos.

[47:42] Yeah.

[47:42] Just you come.

[47:43] Don't bring the paparazzos.

[47:44] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[47:45] the plural of paparazzo

[47:46] is paparazzi.

[47:47] It's paparazziti.

[47:48] And also,

[47:49] if this...

[47:50] Peppuccini.

Elliott Kalan

[47:51] Is this coming up...

[47:51] Is this being put up

[47:52] this weekend?

[47:53] This episode?

[47:54] Yes.

[47:54] Then you'll have

[47:55] one more chance

[47:56] to see my sketch show

[47:56] at 92i Tribeca

[47:57] Thursday,

[47:59] October 18th

[48:00] with special guest

[48:00] Al Madrigal,

[48:01] 9 p.m.

Dan McCoy

[48:03] This...

[48:03] Enemy guest.

[48:05] Letter is titled

[48:07] IMDB Notes for Castle Freak.

[48:10] Okay.

[48:10] From Matt,

[48:10] last name with hell.

[48:11] He says,

[48:11] Hey, Floppers.

[48:12] Hey, Matt.

[48:13] On IMDB,

[48:14] under the Parents Guide page,

[48:15] the only mention

[48:16] of the titular Castle Freak

[48:17] and his junk

[48:18] is as follows.

[48:20] There's a full frontal

[48:21] male nudity

[48:21] from the Castle Freak

[48:22] throughout the final

[48:23] third of the movie,

[48:24] although it's all fake

[48:25] and he has no penis.

[48:27] I was unaware

[48:28] that there needed

[48:29] to be a delineation

[48:30] between the nudity

[48:31] being fake

[48:32] and the freak

[48:33] has no penis.

[48:34] But these are the rules

[48:35] the IMDB coverage.

[48:36] Well, what if you hired

Dan McCoy

[48:36] a guy with no penis

[48:37] to play the part?

[48:38] Also,

[48:39] under the frightening

[48:39] slash intense scenes tab,

[48:41] there is this other gem.

[48:44] A character is blind

[48:45] and there are several scenes

[48:46] when she is unaware

[48:47] that the Castle Freak

[48:47] is in the same room as her.

[48:49] Somehow,

[48:50] the intensity of the scene

[48:51] isn't given justice

[48:52] by this IMDB description.

[48:54] I mean,

[48:55] that just sounds like

[48:55] horror movies.

[48:56] Matt, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[48:57] So, nothing about

[48:58] ding-dong ripping?

Stuart Wellington

[49:00] I think my original

Dan McCoy

[49:01] comment stands.

[49:03] Well, to that point,

[49:05] I would like to read

[49:06] our last letter of the night.

[49:08] Oh, does the Castle Freak

[49:09] debate continue?

[49:10] It's from

[49:10] Jordan, last name withheld.

[49:12] Oh, Jordan is going to

[49:12] step into Freak game.

Stuart Wellington

[49:13] Stuart Gordon, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[49:16] Stuart Gordon, last name withheld.

[49:18] Dear Flop House,

[49:19] I know there is no

[49:20] ding-dong ripping scene,

[49:21] but I can't believe

[49:22] Stuart guessed my intention.

[49:24] Unfortunately,

[49:25] the scene was cut

[49:26] from the original script

[49:26] due to budget considerations.

[49:28] We could not afford

[49:29] the ding-dong prosthetic

[49:30] that would be ripped off

[49:32] in place of his real ding-dong.

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] Sometimes I wish

[49:34] my parents had

[49:35] named me after Stuart Gordon,

[49:37] even though there's

[49:37] no way they would have.

[49:38] No.

Dan McCoy

[49:40] Sometimes I wish

[49:41] my parents had named me

[49:42] ding-dong prosthetic.

[49:45] This last letter

[49:47] of the evening

[49:48] is titled Ding-Dong Gate.

[49:50] Yep.

[49:51] It says,

[49:52] Dear Floppers,

[49:53] I was horrified

[49:53] to hear about

[49:54] Ding-Dong Gate

[49:55] while listening to

[49:55] the Passion Play episode

[49:56] of the Flophouse,

[49:57] so I took it upon myself

[49:59] to help redeem Stuart

[50:00] by delving into

[50:01] my own collection

[50:02] of horrible VHS movies

[50:03] from the 80s

[50:04] and unearthed

[50:05] Night of the Demon,

[50:06] a god-awful film

[50:07] about Bigfoot

[50:07] killing a bunch

[50:08] of hapless idiots

[50:09] in plaid shirts.

[50:10] Luckily for Stuart,

[50:12] Night of the Demon

[50:12] contains one scene

[50:13] where Bigfoot

[50:14] rips off a biker's

[50:15] ding-dong

[50:16] as he is urinating

[50:17] on a bush

[50:18] so now Stuart

[50:19] can recommend

[50:19] Night of the Demon

[50:20] as his go-to

[50:21] ding-dong ripping

[50:22] film choice.

[50:23] I don't think

[50:23] it's the same.

[50:24] He's got to rip

[50:24] off his own ding-dong.

[50:25] Just to confirm

[50:26] what I've said,

[50:27] I've included a link

[50:28] to the aforementioned scene.

[50:29] I'll put that up

[50:30] on the site.

[50:30] Please do.

[50:31] Love the show.

[50:32] Great work.

[50:32] Warmest regards.

[50:33] Jordan,

[50:33] last name with health.

[50:34] Thanks, Jordan.

Stuart Wellington

[50:35] I read that

[50:36] just to dispel a myth

Dan McCoy

[50:38] that we are specifically

[50:40] seeking out

[50:41] Ding-dong movies?

[50:43] Ding-dong ripping.

[50:46] Because I'm sure

[50:46] there's any number

[50:48] of South Korean

[50:49] or Japanese movies

[50:50] we could watch.

[50:51] I'm pretty sure

[50:51] in Street Trash

[50:52] there's a scene

[50:52] where Ding-dong

[50:53] gets ripped off

[50:53] and they play

[50:54] Keep Away with it.

[50:55] And of course

Elliott Kalan

[50:55] there's the immortal

[50:56] scene in Snakes on a Plane

[50:57] where the snake

[50:58] bites the guy's ding-dong

[50:59] and he delivers

[51:00] the best line

[51:00] in cinema history.

[51:02] Get off my dick!

Dan McCoy

[51:04] But this myth

[51:04] that we are somehow

[51:05] cataloging

[51:06] Ding-dong rippings

[51:07] and only giving

[51:09] our highest ratings

[51:10] to film

[51:10] with Ding-dongs.

[51:11] Just Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[51:12] Yeah, just me.

Elliott Kalan

[51:13] I take the blame.

[51:15] I think Stuart

[51:16] is so confident

[51:17] in his own ding-dong

[51:18] that he can enjoy

[51:19] a scene of a ding-dong

[51:20] being ripped off

[51:21] where many men

[51:21] would find it painful

[51:22] to watch.

Dan McCoy

[51:22] He has no castration

[51:23] anxiety is what you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[51:24] Nope, because Stuart

[51:25] has multiple penises.

[51:26] My ding-dong would

[51:27] bite that snake back

[51:28] if it attacked me.

[51:29] Even if it was like

[51:29] a cobra or

[51:30] I don't know

[51:31] a manaconda.

[51:32] Or a cobra commander

[51:33] even.

[51:33] A manaconda.

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] Manaconda.

[51:35] I thought that was

[51:36] what you called yours.

Stuart Wellington

[51:37] No, I don't call it

[51:38] that at all.

[51:40] So, yeah, I mean

[51:42] we're not

[51:42] our podcast

[51:43] is not some kind

[51:44] of a repository

[51:45] for clips

[51:48] of movies

[51:49] where penises

[51:49] get torn off

[51:50] of bodies

[51:51] nor is it a place

[51:52] where you should send

[51:52] your slash fiction

[51:53] featuring us.

Dan McCoy

[51:55] So that's two things

[51:56] this podcast is not

[51:57] but otherwise

[51:57] it's everything.

[51:58] We appreciate the former

[51:59] we don't necessarily

[52:00] appreciate the latter.

[52:01] I appreciate the effort

[52:02] that goes into the latter.

Stuart Wellington

[52:03] If you want to write

[52:03] fan fiction about us

[52:04] have us be doing

[52:05] just cool stuff.

[52:07] Stopping a serial killer.

[52:08] Be really good friends.

[52:08] Stopping a serial killer.

[52:09] Being friends

[52:10] and just hanging out.

Dan McCoy

[52:11] Maybe we're just

[52:11] like skateboarding

[52:12] around solving crime.

Stuart Wellington

[52:13] Yeah, like protecting

[52:14] a rec center

[52:15] from an evil

[52:16] zombie overlord.

Elliott Kalan

[52:17] Yeah, or there was

[52:17] one time that Stuart

[52:18] and Dan and I

[52:19] had sex.

[52:19] Just write a story

[52:20] about that.

Dan McCoy

[52:20] No, stop.

Elliott Kalan

[52:22] Oh, is that the type

[52:22] you were talking?

[52:23] Oh, that's right.

[52:23] Yeah.

[52:24] Oh, yeah.

[52:25] Have a story

[52:25] where we go travel

[52:26] in time and meet

[52:27] our favorite

[52:27] historical figures.

[52:28] The sex we had.

[52:29] The achievements

[52:30] of Elliot.

[52:30] To air our dirty

[52:31] laundry that way.

[52:32] Sure.

[52:32] Why no Flophouse

[52:33] in space stories?

[52:34] Why no Flophouse

[52:35] in the time

[52:36] of the pharaohs stories?

[52:37] What about the Flophouse

Dan McCoy

[52:38] rock band that we have?

[52:40] Yeah, come on.

[52:40] What if Penny

[52:41] met the Flophouse?

Elliott Kalan

[52:42] I love all these ideas.

[52:43] The fiction's been asked

[52:43] who's going to

[52:44] provide the stories?

[52:45] Who will tell these

[52:46] stories to our children?

[52:47] Mm-hmm.

[52:49] Some kind of an oral

[52:49] tradition, I would hope.

[52:50] I want to see a Flophouse

[52:51] story with an ironic

[52:52] O'Henry-esque ending.

[52:55] Yeah.

[52:56] How about this?

[52:56] In honor of this movie,

[52:57] the Owl Creek Bridge

[52:59] did it all along.

Stuart Wellington

[53:01] It was the Owl Creek Bridge

[53:03] that done it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] One more thing,

[53:06] Owl Creek Bridge.

[53:07] You said that the man

[53:08] escaped and made it

[53:09] back to his wife,

[53:10] but isn't that the man

[53:12] dangling from you

[53:13] right now?

[53:14] Case closed.

[53:16] Columbo solved the case

[53:17] of the Owl Creek Bridge

[53:19] murders.

[53:21] Ambrose Beers,

[53:22] take him away.

[53:24] He's like the duty

[53:25] officer or something.

[53:28] So, how about

[53:29] in honor of this movie,

[53:30] if anyone wants to write

[53:31] Flophouse fan fiction,

[53:32] maybe we're in a macabre

[53:33] Edgar Allan Poe style

[53:34] story.

[53:35] I think everyone here

[53:36] would be more comfortable

[53:36] with the story where we

[53:37] died than the story

[53:38] where we had sex with

[53:39] each other.

[53:39] And leave all the sex

[53:40] as subtext.

Dan McCoy

[53:43] So, this is the part

[53:45] of the podcast

[53:46] good movies that we've

[53:48] seen.

[53:48] Oh, you're still talking

[53:49] about Ding Dong Ripping.

[53:50] Oh, no.

[53:51] The Ding Dong Ripping

[53:52] is done.

Elliott Kalan

[53:52] The Ding Dong Ripper.

[53:54] A stroke again.

[53:56] Is that a new character

[53:57] you're working on?

[53:58] Yeah, yeah.

[53:59] He's called Jack

[54:00] Off the Ripper.

[54:01] Just workshop.

[54:03] It's for my one-man show

[54:05] about the neighborhood

[54:05] I grew up in

[54:06] where I play seven

[54:08] different neighborhood

[54:08] characters.

[54:09] They all have different

Stuart Wellington

[54:10] accents.

[54:10] It's crazy.

[54:13] So, Cosmopolitan.

[54:15] This is part of the show

Dan McCoy

[54:19] movies that we would

[54:20] like to recommend

[54:21] rather than tear down.

[54:24] We want to build up.

[54:26] Stuart, is there a film

[54:26] that you saw recently

[54:27] that you'd like to

[54:28] discuss?

Stuart Wellington

[54:30] Yeah, actually, I

[54:31] watched a shitload of

[54:32] movies lately.

[54:34] I saw Looper, which was

[54:35] great, and it's getting

[54:36] a lot of good press,

[54:37] so it doesn't need me

[54:38] to stand up for it.

[54:40] Looper, that's the

[54:41] time travel action movie

[54:43] with Bruce Willis

[54:43] and Joe Sam.

[54:44] Brian Johnson directed.

[54:45] Two Can Sam goes back

[54:46] in time for Looper.

[54:47] Yeah, it's good.

[54:49] But I was going to

[54:50] recommend a movie

[54:51] called The Tall Man,

[54:53] a Jessica Biel

[54:54] starring horror thriller,

[54:56] which you immediately

[54:57] think, that sounds

[54:58] terrible.

Dan McCoy

[54:59] I think it sounds

[55:00] like a phantasm movie.

Stuart Wellington

[55:02] Yeah, that's the thing.

[55:03] Like, everybody knows

[55:04] I'm a fan of Tall Men

[55:06] in their various forms,

[55:08] but it's a horror movie

[55:11] set in the Pacific Northwest,

[55:13] and it is by a director

[55:15] who directed Martyrs,

[55:17] which is a French...

[55:18] Yeah, ultra gore movie.

[55:21] Yeah, and it's hard

[55:24] to really talk about

[55:25] the movie too much

[55:25] without kind of talking

[55:26] about a relatively

[55:27] important twist to it,

[55:29] but...

[55:30] He turns out he's short.

[55:31] That's the thing.

[55:32] He would never

[55:33] have guessed it,

[55:34] but I think,

[55:36] as other reviewers

[55:37] have said,

[55:37] this is easily

[55:38] the best performance

[55:39] you're ever going

[55:39] to see of Jessica Biel,

[55:41] and not that many people

[55:42] are going to see it,

[55:43] but it's great,

[55:45] it's very atmospheric,

[55:46] and I recommend it.

[55:48] The Tall Man.

Dan McCoy

[55:49] I saw two movies

[55:51] that I enjoyed

[55:53] fairly well recently.

[55:54] I watched Wanderlust,

[55:57] which was written

[55:58] by Ken Marino

[55:59] and David Wayne

[56:00] and directed

[56:00] by David Wayne.

[56:01] He loves those guys.

[56:03] Yeah, I like them.

[56:04] I like the state guys.

[56:05] Started Paul Rudd

[56:06] and Jennifer Aniston.

[56:07] You got a bunch of...

[56:08] Deal breaker.

[56:09] Which one?

[56:11] All of them.

[56:12] You don't like Paul Rudd?

[56:13] No, he's fine,

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] and Jennifer Aniston's fine.

Dan McCoy

[56:15] And it's got...

[56:16] I guess the deal

[56:17] wasn't broken.

[56:18] It's got a lot of,

[56:19] you know,

[56:19] like supporting actors

[56:20] that you know from comedy.

[56:22] You got your

[56:22] Joe Latruglio.

[56:24] Also from the state.

[56:25] Also,

[56:26] Ken Marino

[56:26] has a small part in it.

[56:28] State.

[56:29] Carrie Kinney.

[56:30] State.

[56:30] Also from the state.

[56:32] Malin Ackerman.

[56:34] Watchman.

[56:34] Alan Alda is in it.

[56:36] The state.

[56:37] Key and Peele

[56:39] have parts in it.

[56:40] Key and Peele.

[56:41] Lauren Ambrose.

[56:43] The state.

[56:44] Anyway,

[56:45] she was not...

[56:46] But it's a movie

[56:47] that loses its way

[56:49] a little bit in the middle.

[56:50] Like,

[56:50] once it starts getting into...

[56:52] It wanders a little.

[56:53] Well,

[56:53] once it starts getting into

[56:55] plot machinations,

[56:57] it gets a little less interesting.

[57:00] The first 30 minutes of it,

[57:01] I was convinced

[57:02] I was watching,

[57:03] you know,

[57:03] like a really great comedy

[57:06] that had just

[57:07] somehow slipped through the cracks.

[57:08] Like the way that

[57:09] Wet Hot American Summer

[57:10] got a bunch of bad reviews

[57:11] when it came out,

[57:12] but was amazing.

[57:14] And I would say

[57:15] that the first 30 minutes

[57:16] are really good,

[57:17] and then the rest of it

[57:18] is just an acceptable comedy.

[57:21] But it's a lot of fun.

[57:22] It's better than

[57:22] the mediocre reviews

[57:23] would suggest.

[57:24] If you like

[57:25] the state people at all,

[57:27] I would suggest

[57:27] checking it out.

[57:28] And I also actually saw

[57:30] Dread,

[57:32] and I was surprised

[57:34] to find that I enjoyed

[57:35] that movie.

[57:36] Not surprised at all.

[57:37] It felt like

[57:39] a bit of an early

[57:40] John Carpenter movie,

[57:42] or maybe a Walter Hill film.

[57:44] It was just a solid,

[57:47] straight-ahead

[57:48] science fiction

[57:50] action film

[57:51] that the advantage

[57:53] of it was

[57:54] it kept the focus

[57:54] very small.

[57:56] It was about

[57:56] Judge Dread

[57:58] and his trainee

[57:59] being trapped.

[58:00] Judge Judy.

[58:01] Yes.

[58:02] Being trapped

[58:03] in this one building

[58:04] and having to make

[58:06] their way through

[58:06] the floors

[58:07] of that building.

[58:09] A la

[58:09] The Raid

[58:10] Colon Redemption.

[58:11] Yeah, I hear

[58:12] it's a very similar

[58:13] plot line,

[58:14] but keeping the focus

[58:15] very small,

[58:16] I think,

[58:16] made it into

[58:17] a focused

[58:17] science fiction

[58:18] B movie,

[58:19] the kind that

[58:19] you don't necessarily

[58:20] see that much.

[58:21] As opposed to

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] the Judge Dread

[58:21] Sylvester Stallone movie,

[58:22] which is like a sprawling,

[58:24] overblown type of thing.

[58:25] Yeah.

[58:26] A beautiful epic.

Dan McCoy

[58:27] So I enjoyed both of those movies.

[58:28] It's a chronicle of Riddick.

[58:30] Liked them both.

Elliott Kalan

[58:31] You know what?

[58:32] I'll continue the theme

[58:33] of recommending two movies,

[58:34] but I'll do it quick.

[58:36] One is if The Raven

[58:38] has interested you

[58:39] in seeing an Edgar Allan Poe

[58:42] related movie,

[58:42] don't go see The Raven.

[58:44] Instead,

[58:44] I would recommend

[58:45] The Mask of the Red Death,

[58:46] the Roger Corman,

[58:47] Vincent Price film.

[58:48] I would go out on a limb

[58:49] and say the best

[58:51] of Roger Corman's movies.

[58:52] I'd maybe put it up there.

[58:53] I'd maybe tie it

[58:54] with Bucket of Blood,

[58:55] in my opinion,

[58:57] and the best

[58:58] of the Edgar Allan Poe

[58:59] movies they made together

[59:00] by far.

[59:01] There are times

[59:01] when it reaches

[59:02] a sort of poetic beauty,

[59:03] and there are also

[59:04] some really ridiculous moments

[59:05] that are stupid.

[59:06] that are kind of fun.

[59:07] But overall,

[59:08] it's really good,

[59:08] and embedded in the movie

[59:10] is an adaptation

[59:11] of Hot Frog,

[59:13] the story Dan was hoping

[59:14] to see in The Raven,

[59:15] but didn't.

[59:15] So The Mask of the Red Death

[59:17] with Vincent Price,

[59:18] I would very highly recommend.

[59:19] And also,

[59:20] I just saw this past week

[59:21] a classic of world cinema

[59:23] that had passed me by

[59:24] for some reason,

[59:25] Herzog's Aguirre,

[59:26] The Wrath of God,

[59:27] which I realized

[59:28] I had never actually seen.

[59:30] So I watched it,

[59:30] and it was really good.

[59:31] I liked it a lot,

[59:32] and I liked The Mask

[59:33] of the Red Death a lot,

[59:33] so I'd recommend

[59:34] both of those.

Dan McCoy

[59:35] So guys,

[59:37] Shocktober,

[59:38] halfway done.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] That's too soon.

[59:41] And we halfway done it

[59:43] with The Raven.

Stuart Wellington

[59:44] Man,

[59:44] I want to see

[59:45] some fucking ghosts

[59:46] or some like

[59:47] backwoods cannibals

[59:49] or something next time.

[59:51] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[59:51] Let's do some scary movie

[59:52] next time.

[59:52] Enough of this highbrow shit,

[59:54] you know?

[59:54] All right.

[59:55] Like The Raven.

[59:56] Enough of this highbrow garbage

[59:58] like Edgar Allen Post

[59:59] stopping a serial killer.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:01] All right, well,

[1:00:02] let's just stay tuned

[1:00:03] until next time.

[1:00:05] Maybe you'll be

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:05] totally scarified.

[1:00:08] Are you holding out hope?

[1:00:09] And I don't know

[1:00:10] if you're hitting on me,

[1:00:11] but I guess I'm cool with it.

[1:00:13] Whatever, man.

[1:00:14] If so,

[1:00:14] the answer's yes.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:16] So, well,

[1:00:17] until next time,

[1:00:18] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:00:20] And I've been

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:21] Stuart Wellington.

[1:00:24] And I've been Elliot.

[1:00:26] Totally scarifying,

[1:00:27] but not really scarifying.

[1:00:30] Just, you know,

[1:00:30] friendly, pleasant,

[1:00:31] nice to be around.

[1:00:32] Don't be scared.

[1:00:33] Please, don't run.

[1:00:34] No, no.

[1:00:35] This hideous visage.

[1:00:36] Oh, separating me

[1:00:38] from the rest of humanity.

[1:00:39] God damn them all.

[1:00:40] I'll destroy them.

[1:00:41] That was a bit of acting.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:44] Still part of your

[1:00:45] one-man show, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] Yeah.

[1:00:46] Well, I lived on the same block

[1:00:47] as a mad scientist

[1:00:48] with a disfigured face.

[1:00:49] Didn't have an accent,

[1:00:50] though.

[1:00:51] That was weird.

[1:00:51] No, well,

[1:00:52] I have to workshop the accent.

[1:00:53] He was also Irish

[1:00:54] and Australian.

[1:00:56] A little bit of Japanese

[1:00:57] in there.

[1:00:58] Good night.

[1:00:59] Moon blood good, then, huh?

[1:01:03] Good fright, Dan.

[1:01:04] Good fright.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:09] Yeah, so you guys

[1:01:10] are going to be there

[1:01:11] for the midnight show

[1:01:12] with me, right?

[1:01:13] Don't think so.

[1:01:14] You fucking turds.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:17] I don't know why we're turds,

[1:01:19] because we're not going to go

[1:01:20] see The Hobbit

[1:01:20] at midnight with you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:21] It's going to be super fun.

[1:01:23] We're going to wear our PJs

[1:01:24] and get in line.

[1:01:25] We're going to wear wine?

[1:01:28] We're getting in line.

[1:01:29] I mean, we can get wine, too, dude.

[1:01:31] If that's the fucking...

[1:01:32] Just put it in your PJs.

[1:01:34] Yeah, man.

[1:01:35] So, the first thing you do

[1:01:37] is you take a Gatorade bottle,

[1:01:38] okay?

[1:01:38] You pour that shit out.

[1:01:39] Pour it all over the street.

[1:01:40] Then you fill that shit.

[1:01:42] You fill the bottle,

[1:01:42] the plastic bottle,

[1:01:43] with a bunch of wine.

[1:01:44] Carlo Rossi,

[1:01:45] I'd probably recommend,

[1:01:46] because you can get

[1:01:46] a shitload of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:48] Then what's the drinking game?

[1:01:49] When do you drink?

[1:01:50] Whenever you see, what,

[1:01:51] a Hobbit?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:51] No, you just drink it,

[1:01:52] because it's good,

[1:01:53] and you're watching an awesome movie called The Hobbit.

[1:01:56] I don't expect a journey.

The Flop House: Episode #112 - The Raven

Transcript

In this episode

Description