The Flop House: Episode #113 - The Devil Inside

[0:00] All good Shocktobers must come to an end with our discussion of The Devil Inside.

[0:30] Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:40] Oh, man, that's a spooky voice.

[0:41] I'm Dan McCall... McCill.

[0:44] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:46] I'm Elliot Kalin. Let's not play this game, Dan.

[0:49] You don't want to have spooky Halloween-style names?

[0:54] We already have spooky names.

[0:55] Maybe if you had told us that we were going to be doing it so I could fucking practice.

[0:59] Just think of a name.

[1:00] Come on, Buart Skellington.

[1:01] It's right there.

[1:02] It's too late.

[1:03] We already fucked it up.

[1:04] Forget it, Dan.

[1:04] It's over.

[1:05] It's over.

[1:06] I'm telling you, you're killing.

[1:07] You've got easy ones.

[1:08] Yeah, for you, maybe.

[1:10] Dan McCoy, there's basically nothing you can do with that.

[1:13] We don't sit...

[1:14] Damned macabre.

[1:15] Macabre, right there.

[1:16] Yeah, we don't sit around fucking practicing our Crypt Keeper in the mirror all night and

[1:20] accidentally summoning Candyman or something stupid.

[1:23] Yeah.

[1:24] How many times did you do that, Dan?

[1:25] Oh, man.

[1:27] what kind of idiot accidentally summons candy man he's he's angry at me now yeah because you're

[1:32] wasting his time like and he kills people like he just keeps cutting you a slack every time he

[1:38] shows up and you're like nope it was a mistake i was just doing a cryptkeeper thing oh dan like

[1:45] four times come on like most about this is the idea that the cryptkeeper summons candy man yeah

[1:51] for parties and stuff thing that the cryptkeeper does um so hey it's in the crossover fan fiction

[1:57] i wrote my cryptkeeper candy man fan fiction welcome uh back to the flopos or welcome here

[2:02] for the first time if you've never been here before or don't welcome if you're not here if

[2:07] you are about to turn it off if you're not here fuck you you don't know what you're missing a bold

[2:12] statement but uh this is uh the podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it and it's

[2:18] Shocktober, the most wonderful time of the year.

[2:20] Boogans!

[2:22] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[2:24] Scariest thing in the world.

[2:25] Stuart's saying boogans.

[2:27] It's very frightening.

[2:29] Very frightening.

[2:30] So tonight we watched a scary movie.

[2:33] Some might call it a horror movie.

[2:35] Some might call it a horrible movie.

[2:37] We watched The Devil Inside.

[2:38] And let me tell you, the scariest thing about The Devil Inside

[2:41] was the difficulty we went through to try and get this movie up and running.

[2:46] There were a number of technical difficulties that Dan soldiered through, and like a brave boy, he got it all fixed out and called the cable company.

[2:53] The on-demand cable was not working, so we could not get it that way.

[2:57] The definition of first world problems.

[3:00] The streaming of movies through my media center was not working either.

[3:05] It's almost like God was reaching out to tell us, don't waste your time with the devil inside.

[3:09] He was saying that the Vatican does not endorse this movie, so you shouldn't watch it.

[3:14] I started downloading The Devil Inside from Amazon to watch on the computer so we could all huddle around the computer and watch it.

[3:22] Yeah, like a bunch of college students.

[3:24] And then once we got the cable back up and running, we wanted to watch it on the regular television, both of which meant that we downloaded The Devil Inside at full price twice.

[3:34] So we've paid twice for The Devil Inside, which is three times more than you should.

[3:39] So, yeah, hopefully the people listening at home will not even download it once.

[3:44] It's one of the few movies where the producers should pay America reparations.

[3:47] For some reason, you cannot rent The Devil Inside, even though it's been out on DVD since May.

[3:51] So we spent $30 to acquire this movie for you, our loyal listeners.

[3:58] 83 minutes worth of movie.

[3:59] So that's, you know.

[4:02] Let's do some fast math.

[4:03] Come on.

[4:03] Well, look, let's just say that if it was a 90-minute movie, that would be three minutes per dollar.

[4:09] Wait, hold on.

[4:10] No, you did that totally wrong.

[4:14] So anyway.

[4:15] We got less than three minutes per dollar.

[4:17] So Devil Inside is one of those found footage movies, yeah?

[4:21] Yeah, it's like it's made up out of a...

[4:23] Where did you find the footage?

[4:23] I found it on your fucking PlayStation 3 or whatever.

[4:27] No, but it's in the tradition of your Blair Witch Projects and your Sessions somethings.

[4:35] Activities Paranormal.

[4:36] Your Sessions Sevens.

[4:38] Your Sessions Seven.

[4:40] Your Last Exorcisms.

[4:43] You're Apollo's 18.

[4:44] Yeah.

[4:46] You're Cooper's Christmas.

[4:48] That's a Jason Jones movie.

[4:50] You're Trolls Hunter.

[4:53] You're Trolls Hunter.

[4:54] Yeah, exactly.

[4:55] Yeah, it's a...

[4:57] No, it's not.

[4:59] Never mind.

[4:59] Wait.

[4:59] Were you going to say Disturbia?

[5:02] No, I was going to say District 9, but it's not really a found footage movie.

[5:04] No.

[5:05] It's just a shaky cam movie.

[5:06] Sort of a faux documentary.

[5:07] But anywho, yeah, so it's set up as if it really happened.

[5:12] But it's easy to tell it didn't really happen

[5:15] Because it's super shitty

[5:16] Everything looks

[5:18] Incredifake

[5:19] It was shot in the new horror technique

[5:22] Incredifake

[5:23] Which makes real things look like fake movie things

[5:26] It sends a tingle up your spine

[5:28] That tells you this is a terrible movie

[5:30] This is a movie shot on location in Rome

[5:32] And for some reason that makes it look cheaper

[5:34] Yep

[5:35] It creates that queasy feeling

[5:38] In the bottom of your stomach when you realize

[5:40] You probably rented the wrong movie

[5:42] that you spent $30 on a film.

[5:43] On a movie that Dan has been talking about for weeks.

[5:46] Well, this movie has an...

[5:49] I mean, we'll get to it eventually.

[5:50] We should tell the true story of the release.

[5:52] This movie has an infamously reviled ending.

[5:56] This movie is infamous.

[5:58] The release itself is infamous.

[5:59] It was not reviewed for critics.

[6:01] And it was the number one movie at the box office

[6:04] the weekend it came out.

[6:05] And I remember seeing the trailers to it

[6:07] that made it look...

[6:07] They didn't show it to critics

[6:07] because they didn't want to scare the shit out of them, right?

[6:09] They thought it was too scary for the critics.

[6:11] Well, they sold it paranormal activity style of showing shots of the audience being freaked out.

[6:18] And I remember the trailer having moments in it that was like, okay, well, this could be scary.

[6:23] But the advertising was well done.

[6:27] The advertising was very well done, and it was not reviewed.

[6:29] So people thought it was going to be like paranormal activity, and they were going to be spookily scarified in Flophouse terms.

[6:36] They were going to be wormily boned.

[6:39] Exactly.

[6:41] They were dungeonly depressed and disappointed at a terrible movie.

[6:46] So it went from number one in the box office.

[6:49] Then between week one and week two, it dropped roughly 75 percent in terms of its money it made.

[6:55] And then it kind of disappeared.

[6:57] And what was the other movie that dropped that much?

[6:59] It was the biggest drop between first and second week since the Jonas Brothers 3D concert movie, which is more of an event than a movie.

[7:07] Something that you would expect to drop.

[7:10] Yes.

[7:10] That's another movie where they made it seem like it really happened, but it didn't really happen.

[7:14] Yeah, that was all faked found footage, and they didn't review it for critics.

[7:18] The Jonas Brothers, there are no Jonas Brothers.

[7:21] That's all Andy Serkis.

[7:22] Yeah, and they made it look like it was going to be really scary.

[7:26] But the movie is, especially for its ending, reviled.

[7:30] Maybe we should go through the plot for anyone who hasn't seen it.

[7:33] Oh, it'll take nary a minute to go through the plot.

[7:37] We open with some found footage of a police crime scene walkthrough and an old local news story.

[7:44] Turns out a woman murdered three people, two priests and a nun, during what turns out to have been an illicit exorcism.

[7:51] She was put into a mental home and then for some reason sent to a hospital in Italy, in Rome.

[7:57] Now it's the year 2009.

[7:59] Her daughter has decided to –

[8:01] iPhones are all the rage.

[8:02] iPhones are all the rage.

[8:04] everybody is talking about this new president obama and uh the real estate market has not yet

[8:10] returned to its full power uh unemployment is at roughly eight percent eight point five percent

[8:16] and marty mcfly come here from the past yet no it will be six years later when that happens i

[8:23] believe if i remember correctly i think that's in the year 2015 history books read your future

[8:27] history books read your history books about the making of back to the future in the biff verse

[8:32] then yes exactly until marty gets that sports all that bad is the economic plan was his sports

[8:41] gambling based economic plan with couldn't sustain a national economy we're in a bit

[8:45] a biffstopia right now i mean really we're all to blame for biff's election we worked a little bit

[8:51] harder we could have won a lot but it's just that we all underestimated him and his vice president

[8:58] also biff vote for me his campaign slogan hello hello america anyone home

[9:09] america make like a tree and get out of here he promised he'd put a second coat of wax on america

[9:16] but he didn't he didn't fulfill that promise

[9:20] oh so make like a drum and leave so it's the biff verse so anyway it's 2009 and this woman's now

[9:29] grown daughter a cute brunette and i only describe her that way because it's the only personality

[9:35] trait she has it's true decides that alongside a documentarian filmmaker she's gonna go to rome

[9:42] and find out what happened why this exorcism they go and literally they're in rome for about a

[9:47] minute before they walk into a secret

[9:49] exorcism classroom.

[9:50] Win in Rome, guys. Am I right?

[9:52] That's what that phrase means.

[9:55] That's what it means. And they

[9:57] meet up with two rogue

[9:59] priests, an Englishman and an

[10:01] American, who have been doing some secret

[10:03] underground exorcisms on the side.

[10:05] They go to the basement of an Italian family where there's

[10:07] a girl who's been possessed, and they perform

[10:09] an exorcism where she bleeds profusely

[10:11] from the crotch and

[10:13] shouts at them and contorts her body

[10:15] and crawls up a wall, but they

[10:17] eject the demon from her yeah but because ever since the exorcist uh everyone all women who

[10:24] are possessed there's some sort of crotch involvement in that to be fair i think the

[10:28] demons are probably interested in crotches yeah i mean they're demons dude yeah now i'm a little

[10:33] more sex positive than you guys now the girl has also visited her mother in the mental home

[10:38] her mother doesn't remember her and talks and weird things and has carved upside down crosses

[10:43] on her arm and on her inner lip.

[10:45] Yeah, it seems to be magic.

[10:45] Totally death metal style.

[10:47] And she screams in a magic kind of

[10:49] banshee from the X-Men siren

[10:51] from a number of teams way.

[10:54] So they hook up with these two rogue priests.

[10:57] They go to the exorcism.

[10:58] Which at this point, you're like,

[10:59] okay, I'm into this.

[11:00] It's like a little buddy exorcist comedy.

[11:04] You're like, this is kind of a slow movie.

[11:05] There's not a lot going on until the scare scenes

[11:07] and even those are not great.

[11:09] But whatever, okay?

[11:10] They go to the hospital

[11:12] and they perform their success on the first exorcism makes them think hey let's do this

[11:17] exorcism on this lady they get cocky they're gonna examine the mom turns out she's super

[11:22] possessed yeah and is screaming and pushing people around but they manage to sedate her

[11:26] and they get kicked out of the mental hospital but oh looks like the demon has followed them

[11:31] one of the priests almost drowns a baby while he's baptizing it and the best thing about the

[11:36] movie is that the baby's name is john thomas so a couple times after a penis he says john thomas

[11:41] so I baptize the...

[11:43] And it's hilarious.

[11:43] It's like he's baptizing his own wiener.

[11:45] Honestly, I don't know how they could have given the baby that name

[11:50] unless they were so bored making this movie.

[11:51] Well, it's a traditional Italian name, right?

[11:53] No, it is not.

[11:54] And he performs that baptism in English,

[11:57] which is also pretty common in Italy.

[11:59] Yeah, very common.

[12:00] Then he comes back home.

[12:02] He's in trouble.

[12:03] The police...

[12:03] The original name was a wiener schlossworth.

[12:05] He must have escaped or something

[12:07] because the police seem to have...

[12:08] He seems to have had no problem escaping the scene

[12:10] of almost murdering a baby

[12:11] where there are many other people around him he goes home and goes upstairs and is unhappy and

[12:16] slashes his wrist then he has demon eyes his pupils are all rolled back some two lazy looking

[12:21] italian police come in and he takes their gun and shoots himself in the head with it then a the

[12:28] demon seems to jump to the to the girl and fallen and in the meantime there's been like that like

[12:34] our gang of

[12:37] exorcists and documentarians

[12:39] has gotten

[12:40] there's been a lot of discord. There's been a lot of strife

[12:43] between them. They're divided. They're doing a bunch

[12:45] of real world style confessionals

[12:47] to the camera where they complain about each other.

[12:49] By a bunch, like three minutes worth.

[12:51] Yeah, it's not really that much.

[12:53] It's more of a Blair Witch Project type confessionals

[12:55] where they complain about each other but they're

[12:57] making complaints that we have not seen.

[12:58] Like they're complaining about things

[13:01] that we know nothing about and

[13:03] And they seem to come out of nowhere then, so the girl gets all crazy-fied.

[13:08] They take her to the hospital where she flips out.

[13:11] She's possessed.

[13:11] She's contorting all around.

[13:13] Ah!

[13:13] She kills somebody.

[13:14] Let's get her into the car and drive her somewhere so we can exercise her.

[13:18] They're in the car.

[13:19] She starts flipping out, and the spirit seems to jump to the guy who's driving.

[13:24] He takes off his seatbelt, and then he crashes the car, and the car rolls over a bunch of times, and the screen goes black.

[13:29] and it says for more about for more about the ongoing investigation into this exorcism go to

[13:34] this website and that's the end of the movie and this ending for a friend someone i know who i

[13:39] work with is a friend of mine saw the movie in the theaters and was gleefully telling me that

[13:43] one how bad it was and two how the movie just abruptly ended and told you to go to a website

[13:48] and the audience booed it lustily like the only proper response to the to a movie punking out on

[13:54] you and then telling you oh if you want to know what happens next go to a website is to boo it

[13:59] Like, you just have to.

[14:00] It's like a horror movie GoDaddy commercial.

[14:02] Exactly.

[14:03] To be fair to the movie, what happens next is those characters get buried because they're all dead.

[14:08] They're dead, yeah.

[14:09] So it's a short, stupid movie, and there are a couple okay, like, scare effects.

[14:15] Like, when the guy shoots himself in the head, it's a very good blood effect.

[14:18] They have a real contortionist who does contorting.

[14:21] She does great work.

[14:22] And, like, there's something kind of—

[14:25] That John Thomas joke, that was hilarious.

[14:26] That was solid.

[14:28] The first time when the girl goes to visit her mother, it is kind of a creepy scene.

[14:32] There's a real tension in the air because you don't know yet how shitty the movie is going to be and that it's not going to pay off this tension.

[14:38] Yeah.

[14:38] And the shot of her showing the inside of her lip where there's a cross carved is kind of a gross, creepy moment.

[14:46] But otherwise, there's not a lot going on in this movie.

[14:48] There's so little in this movie.

[14:51] It's kind of amazing that it's a movie that exists and got made.

[14:54] And not a pamphlet?

[14:55] Yeah.

[14:56] I mean, if it was a pamphlet, we probably wouldn't be reviewing it.

[15:00] No, that would be for our pamphlet cast, the flop cast.

[15:02] It's also called the flop house.

[15:04] It was put out by the Paranormal Activity production company, right?

[15:10] I mean, it's the same sort of shit.

[15:12] I don't know if they made it, though.

[15:14] No, I mean, I know, but I think that they thought they could capitalize on it.

[15:17] So maybe that's how they thought that they could put out a movie with so little plot and it'd still be okay.

[15:22] I guess so.

[15:22] Here's how you know this movie has nothing.

[15:25] the cover of the dvd which was also one of the posters is a nun with no pupils and it looks like

[15:31] she's been possessed that image of that nun with no pupils occurs for about 10 12ths of a second

[15:38] as the main character is walking along a bridge and there's a group of nuns and one turns to look

[15:43] at her and she's got no pupils i mean i think they're like cataracts or something yeah i think

[15:46] she's just blind but it's i it that never comes back but it's the main image on the cover i mean

[15:52] And you assume that she also has a devil inside, right?

[15:55] Well, according to InXS, I think we all have a devil inside.

[15:58] Every single one of us has a devil inside.

[16:01] Mine is a Tasmanian devil.

[16:02] Mine's like the Trappist Red Devil from the hot sauce.

[16:07] Are those the Red Devil Paints Devil?

[16:09] So is Stuart.

[16:11] No, I got one of those contortionist devils.

[16:14] Oh, that's too bad.

[16:15] So I'm going to go practice, I guess.

[16:17] Yeah, you have a Jim Rose Circus of Freaks performance later?

[16:22] oh man so that's the whole movie that's and it is a very poorly made movie um i mean i mean it's a

[16:31] documentary in italy they did make it in italy but for some reason it means the first thing you

[16:36] think is huh i guess most of the budget went to their tickets to get to italy because it's not

[16:41] why why did they take her to italy because that's part of the mystery is oh and then they're trying

[16:46] to make it more exotic and more satany by putting it near the vatican you'd wonder why the devil

[16:52] Why so many demons are hanging out near the Vatican

[16:54] Go somewhere else

[16:56] Go to Japan

[16:58] Yeah they have no idea what to do

[17:00] Come on they just think you're a regular Japanese demon

[17:02] There was a disclaimer

[17:04] At the beginning of this movie

[17:06] They're like oh an Onibaba great whatever

[17:08] That was like

[17:09] The Vatican had nothing to do with this movie

[17:12] Doesn't approve of it or whatever

[17:13] And I kind of feel like

[17:15] If I were in charge of Catholicism

[17:18] Which I guess that means I was the Pope

[17:20] Okay yeah

[17:21] i would i guess that's who who's in charge i would not just discourage this sort of thing like if

[17:27] i'm willing to bet everyone thought that like that mine was the most awesome religion because

[17:33] we had supernatural powers that could like protect you from demons and stuff like i would

[17:38] not discourage that i'm willing to bet the vatican didn't make an official ruling on this movie

[17:43] i think they probably just said that yeah you don't think that you don't think the pope screamed

[17:47] Not for me

[17:49] He's not a my kind of thing

[17:52] I know I'm a German

[17:54] But I talk like this

[17:55] Because I'm in Italy

[17:56] When you become a pup

[17:58] You automatically start talking like this

[18:01] I'm more like the John Apatow comedies

[18:03] They say they're gross but they got a heart

[18:05] Mamma mia

[18:07] Pizza pies

[18:08] That's what he's saying all the time

[18:10] Cowabunga party dude

[18:12] I'm good I'm funny

[18:15] Don't have a cow man

[18:16] That kind of stuff

[18:17] that's the pope for you did i do that got any cheese yeah baby that's your pope right there

[18:25] you know what i said when i was in italy uh that we we did have a uh a tour guide who would say

[18:34] mama me a lot but it was very clear just like okay well he's doing this to pander to us now

[18:38] when you were in italy did you get possessed by a demon uh i did because according to this movie

[18:43] there's just devils running around the thing is they can't leave italy so once i just got on the

[18:47] plane they just left my body oh i see that's the thing what did it feel like when you had the devil

[18:51] inside you kind of warm okay so net positive then yeah well i run kind of hot anyway so i mean it

[18:59] was 99 degrees in italy oof in the shade yikes so here's the thing about the movie it's not a bad

[19:05] concept because it's the idea is that these two priests are performing unauthorized exorcisms

[19:11] Black Market Exorcisms.

[19:12] Black Market Exorcisms, which is a great premise.

[19:14] They use a combination of medicine and scientific equipment and supernatural stuff, which is basically Ghostbusters.

[19:21] A little bit of Constantine thrown in there.

[19:23] A little bit of Constantine, a little bit of Ghostbusting.

[19:25] And that's, again, not a bad premise.

[19:27] But they do it so poorly.

[19:28] The characters are so thin and unlikable and shrill and just off-putting.

[19:33] And the story is not—there's no progression of the story or anything.

[19:37] There's no clues or anything like that.

[19:40] No.

[19:41] We tried to do a little research on this movie online while watching.

[19:44] And I have this book, The Necronomic Con.

[19:47] Let me read to you from it.

[19:49] Fatang Ralea.

[19:50] No, Dan, don't.

[19:51] You opened a portal.

[19:52] Don't worry.

[19:53] I got the words to shut it down.

[19:55] Klaatu Barada.

[19:56] No.

[19:57] Well, actually, those are, depends on what movie, whether those are good or bad.

[20:00] Why are you interrupting him?

[20:05] Klaatu Barada, necktie.

[20:07] Yep, that's what he says in the movie.

[20:10] So, you were doing some research?

[20:12] No, I just, I...

[20:13] Some she-search?

[20:14] I couldn't find a lot of it online.

[20:16] It's because you were looking at Mr. Skin.

[20:19] Yeah.

[20:20] I turned to my first movie database source, Mr. Skin.

[20:24] Wasn't there, so I went to Celebrity Movie Archive.

[20:26] Wasn't there, so I went to Nude Skins.

[20:28] Wasn't there, Nitro Video.

[20:30] Wasn't there.

[20:30] The thing about, like, I assume...

[20:34] Eventually, I ran out of porn sites that collect nude scenes from movies.

[20:38] I assumed that why the character development was so bad in this movie was that the actors were improvising all of it.

[20:46] But I could not find any confirmation of that online.

[20:48] Like an episode of Curb?

[20:49] Yes.

[20:52] But with unskilled improvisers.

[20:54] Well, I mean, it could have been done like that.

[20:56] That's the way Blair Witch was done.

[20:58] And I don't know if Paranormal Activity was done the same way.

[21:02] But it was also so it didn't feel improvised to me.

[21:07] felt poorly written i just i like whenever they started like saying something about another

[21:14] character that we had never seen before to me just felt like an actor reaching for something

[21:18] like what can i complain about this person i'm gonna make up this thing it's possible that it

[21:23] was a mixture of the two like it's possible that they had to throw in some exposition shit so that

[21:28] it ties it together and has some kind of like some kind of a mythos that they're trying to use like

[21:33] referencing the classroom uh the exorcism class of course uh which is exactly like all the college

[21:39] classes i ever took well that's an interesting thing to talk about like early on in the movie

[21:43] we're led to believe i guess that the catholic church doesn't want to talk about

[21:47] exorcism and then she just walks into with a camera with a camera yeah into a into the

[21:54] apostolic school yeah and then into just a classroom where there's an exorcism class going

[21:59] on and the first thing the the teacher is priest i'm guessing he's talking about is uh well he did

[22:05] have a clerical collar so i think i guessed correctly uh he's like oh so there in this

[22:10] case there's multiple demons like i don't know that would be awesome if i was in that class i

[22:15] want to talk about multiple demons that would be an awesome class it's not real though uh here's my

[22:20] here's maybe my guess as to why there are a lot of scenes that seem to refer to behavior we haven't

[22:27] seen yet you don't usually set out to make a movie that's 83 minutes long i'm guessing they

[22:32] realized they had a super turd on their hands and chopped a lot of material out of this movie

[22:37] so that it was mostly scares with a little bit of filler in between that's my guess

[22:41] yeah maybe it's not true i hope the producers a whole bunch of super scares out maybe it was

[22:47] oh it was too scary yeah it was like the film in the cigarette burns episode of masters of horror

[22:52] it was so scary you just couldn't watch it melts your brain yeah it makes you put your intestines

[22:57] into a machine like Udo Kier does.

[22:59] Who's running in trails through that machine.

[23:01] Through the projector.

[23:02] I made my own movie.

[23:03] Like, Udo, we're not even filming at this point.

[23:06] What are you doing here, buddy?

[23:07] And the film seemed to be of them capturing an angel

[23:11] and cutting his wings off, right?

[23:12] Which is not that scary.

[23:13] Yeah, I mean, it seemed pretty normal.

[23:15] Yeah.

[23:16] I watch movies like that all the time.

[23:18] I mean, that's your fetish, though.

[23:22] What, angel de-winging?

[23:24] Yeah.

[23:24] That's what it's called, right?

[23:25] Yeah, wing taken.

[23:27] Wingectomy

[23:27] Fallen angels

[23:29] Fallen angels 2

[23:30] Angels

[23:30] Stripper by day

[23:31] Hooker by night

[23:33] Something like that

[23:33] Stripper by day

[23:34] Hooker by night

[23:35] The fetish is very hard

[23:36] On your wife

[23:37] Angels in the outfield

[23:37] It takes a long time

[23:38] For her to put those wings

[23:39] Those fake wings on

[23:40] Yep

[23:41] And then you gotta

[23:42] You gotta carve those things off

[23:43] Here's okay

[23:44] With the blood squirting

[23:45] This is a weird

[23:46] Wait what are we talking about

[23:47] I'm not sure

[23:48] Here's the thing about the movie

[23:49] Yeah it can't seem to make up

[23:50] It's mind whether exorcisms

[23:51] Are

[23:52] Officially

[23:53] Recognized or not

[23:55] Or like how public

[23:56] they are how real priests think they are like it would be it would have been great if it set up

[24:03] some doubt earlier in the movie it's a horror movie you know there's going to be an exorcism

[24:08] in it that's real otherwise it would be an even bigger anti-climax but even if the characters

[24:12] seem to buy into the idea of exorcisms almost immediately which seems unrealistic to me at

[24:18] least as a 21st century human being living in america yeah i think i think a big problem with

[24:24] movies that at least for us intellectually we're not going to buy the scares not right away

[24:29] intellectually scary for us it has to build that through mood and it doesn't have that mood so it's

[24:34] like i in my head i don't believe in exorcisms or the devil and i but you know if the movie had a

[24:42] good mood there's something i'm not sure i'm willing to go either way i'm on the fence yeah

[24:47] but it just doesn't build that atmosphere yeah it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't allow you to get out

[24:53] of your head and just kind of have a gut reaction to it exactly yeah the scares don't give you that

[24:58] visceral level and again like there's some okay moments in the scares but they're not like scary

[25:04] moments it was mainly just uh cool contortionist moments yeah cool if it was this was a if this

[25:09] was a 40 minute video of what a contortionist can do be a better movie and i'll tell you what

[25:15] if that contortionist was not bleeding from the crotch even better you know what i'd say i think

[25:22] i'd enjoy her contortionist act more if unlike in this movie there was not a river of blood

[25:27] throwing flowing through her pants see that's the problem when she signed a contract with the devil

[25:31] that gave her contortionist abilities yeah that's you know that's the yeah that was a trade-off well

[25:36] then i would just recommend a thicker pad okay uh so i guess we'll talk about that on a completely

[25:42] different podcast our tampon review podcast yeah i feel like the applicator pass we're uh we're

[25:49] ahead of schedule but i feel like there's so little to say about this movie that i i want to

[25:53] apologize to you dan because you seem so excited to see this movie for shocktober and yet there's

[25:58] so little in it i want to apologize to you on behalf of the producers of the devil inside

[26:02] which i don't even know okay and i hope they're listening so they can send you a check for a

[26:07] million dollars of which i want half look i just if they all if they just send a check for the 30

[26:12] dollars that was spent hey don't under don't under negotiate i think elliot paid for half of that

[26:17] would you would you keep the whole thing or actually this was the most exciting thing that

[26:21] happened all night after dan's long trek and mission to get the tech up was literally like

[26:27] an hour and a half the most exciting thing was when dan said well i'm not gonna pay again for

[26:31] this movie so i said you know what dan i'll pay for it i gave him twenty dollars he gave me three

[26:36] ones but he owes me a dollar and then so i said that's okay you just owe me one more dollar stewart

[26:42] said i'll buy your dan's mark from you and the piece of paper on which i had written dan owes

[26:47] me a dollar, Stuart paid me a dollar for.

[26:49] And that paper is currently

[26:51] resting in my pocket. I hope you understand, Stuart.

[26:52] There is no

[26:54] interest on this.

[26:56] The vig is pretty high. The vig is

[26:59] very high. It's just that

[27:01] feeling of knowing that I can hold that over your head.

[27:03] I mean, I can get rid of it any time.

[27:05] I have an issue.

[27:06] Now I imagine Dan... I have four quarters

[27:09] in that... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[27:11] I want paper money. Okay.

[27:13] I imagine Dan going to buy an ice cream cone

[27:15] from a truck and handing over the dollar bill

[27:17] And then handing him the paper

[27:20] And taking the dollar bill

[27:21] And Dan walking away sad

[27:23] He can't afford an ice cream cone now

[27:25] Do I

[27:27] Wait can I also get an ice cream

[27:29] Oh of course it's your dollar now

[27:30] Yeah I mean I'm clearly wealthy

[27:32] Or you pay for the ice cream

[27:36] With the mark

[27:37] Oh wow so that guy

[27:38] Luigi the ice cream man

[27:40] Dan you're going to want to buy that thing back

[27:42] You don't know who this thing could fall into the hands of

[27:45] With that horrific scenario ringing in the listeners' ears,

[27:50] we should move on to our final judgments about the devil inside.

[27:55] I almost called it the last exorcism.

[27:56] I keep saying that.

[27:57] The other found footage exorcism movie.

[28:00] Which I assume was better.

[28:01] It had to have been.

[28:01] It was better.

[28:01] It was a better movie.

[28:02] I saw that one.

[28:03] So exorcisms, is that a thing among you Christians?

[28:06] Is that a thing you guys believe in?

[28:08] No, it's not.

[28:09] Protestants, that is not a thing.

[28:11] That's why I was saying.

[28:11] So what do Protestants do when you get a demon inside you?

[28:14] We don't.

[28:14] We don't do it.

[28:15] Dance it out.

[28:16] I think we tend to...

[28:20] Honey, I don't want to go out again tonight, but there's a demon inside me.

[28:23] I got a boogie.

[28:25] Yep, swing dancing, I guess, in this case.

[28:27] It's a lot of emotional repression and casseroles, if I recall.

[28:31] So it's really your inner demons and casseroles.

[28:33] Yeah, you smother it with casserole.

[28:36] Because I have to say, the worst that I have to look forward to as a Jew is maybe a Dybbuk haunting me a little bit.

[28:42] No more Dybbuk talk around here.

[28:44] Sorry.

[28:45] Stuart has to sleep tonight

[28:46] I don't want to get spooked out of my gourd

[28:50] Never get to bed

[28:51] If I'm thinking about dibbicks

[28:52] Floating around

[28:55] Unable to interact with the physical world

[28:57] It's horrible

[28:59] Anyway, Dan, final judgments

[29:01] Is it scarily awful?

[29:04] Is it spookily funny?

[29:06] Or is it

[29:07] Hauntingly okay?

[29:09] Is it ghostly satisfactory?

[29:14] Or is it horrifically 4 out of 10?

[29:17] Was this movie totally scarifying, frighteningly funny, or totally snorifying?

[29:26] Which is the good one?

[29:27] Totally scarifying is the good one.

[29:30] I picked that one.

[29:31] No.

[29:33] Really?

[29:33] I'm fucking with you guys.

[29:34] This is a snorifying movie.

[29:36] Yeah, I think we can all agree it's snorifying.

[29:38] Yeah, let's just make a pact.

[29:39] This is snorifying, and the last one of us who dies will get the movie.

[29:43] Yeah, it's snorifying.

[29:44] And the $30.

[29:45] I'll say this for the movie.

[29:50] It had a pretty lady.

[29:52] It had some contortionists.

[29:53] It had an 83-minute run time.

[29:55] That's a recipe for something.

[29:59] So, Flophouse fans, if you're looking to waste 83 minutes of your life,

[30:04] you're never getting back.

[30:05] But only 83 minutes.

[30:08] Occasionally, during that movie, that 83 minutes, you'll see a cute lady.

[30:12] Because it's just not something you see in movies often.

[30:14] If you just want to look at stuff on your phone for 83 minutes and have a movie playing in the background, I mean, it'll do, I guess.

[30:21] Then walk, don't run to pay $15 or $30 for The Devil Inside.

[30:26] Yeah, you want it in two formats.

[30:28] Oh, yeah, this is a keeper.

[30:31] So, Dan, how long is it going to be before you delete this from your computer?

[30:34] I mean, I paid for that Devil Inside.

[30:39] So forever.

[30:40] So you're going to hold on to it, even though you're never going to watch it.

[30:43] He's going to buy a separate hard drive.

[30:44] That's like gold.

[30:45] That's like gold.

[30:45] It'll only appreciate in value.

[30:47] Nope.

[30:47] The Devil Inside has never been worth zero.

[30:49] Which is the complete opposite of our reviews, which were, it was bad.

[30:54] Oh, I see.

[30:55] Before we move on to our letters, I just want to take care of a little business.

[31:01] We call it biz.

[31:03] To keep the lights on, to keep this podcast running.

[31:06] To keep the home fires burning.

[31:07] Kick the tires, light the fire.

[31:10] I'd like to plug a few things on behalf of our benevolent overlords over there at All Things Comedy.

[31:15] And pals.

[31:17] Yeah, pals.

[31:18] I think more business associates.

[31:19] Yeah, we're like a team.

[31:21] Yeah.

[31:21] Like a super team.

[31:23] A team of podcasters just looking to lose it in Tijuana before college.

[31:27] For lovers of stand-up comedy, you might enjoy these iTunes comedy album releases from our All Things Comedy pals.

[31:39] For lovers of meat, you might like Meat Lover's Pizza.

[31:41] You got your Ari Shafir with the album Revenge for the Holocaust.

[31:47] Very, very edgy.

[31:49] And Tom Segura, the album is Girls with Cornrows.

[31:54] Also edgy.

[31:55] Look for those, available on iTunes.

[31:57] Getting good reviews over there.

[31:59] Yeah, check out some of our sister podcasts under the All Things Comedy banner.

[32:05] Fluff Hacina.

[32:06] You got your Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast.

[32:09] When's that on?

[32:10] I assume Monday morning.

[32:13] I guess it's a podcast.

[32:14] Whenever it's on the internet, dude.

[32:15] Yeah, it's a podcast.

[32:16] It's on all the time.

[32:17] You also got your Harland Highway, hosted by Mr. Harland Williams.

[32:22] I saw him perform at the Montreal Comedy Festival about 11 years ago, 10, 11 years ago,

[32:28] and he was very funny and then disgusting and then funny.

[32:33] He told the most audience displeasing joke I think I've ever seen and then won the audience back.

[32:40] I was amazed.

[32:41] That sounds pretty amazing.

[32:43] I was amazed.

[32:44] I'm not going to tell the joke because it was horrible, but it was just offensive in every way.

[32:48] You were making me love this man.

[32:50] But then he won us back, and I didn't think it could be done.

[32:53] And this was late at night.

[32:54] We wanted to go home.

[32:55] We were tired, and yet he kept going, and he won us back.

[32:58] Even my mom thought it was funny.

[33:01] So those are just two of the great podcasts you can find over at allthingscomedy.com.

[33:07] But now we turn to our letters segment.

[33:10] The Flophouse movie mailbag.

[33:12] Yep, the movie mailbag.

[33:13] We call it.

[33:14] That's where we get to hear from you, the Flop fans.

[33:18] In the form of letters in a movie mailbag, we call it.

[33:21] Sometimes Elliot's brother just sends in a letter.

[33:24] Talking about sports or shit.

[33:26] Sometimes I sing a song, but I won't this time.

[33:29] because of the one iTunes review that said it stopped listening

[33:31] because of the, quote, songs about letters.

[33:33] If that was the one reason, then...

[33:37] Well, also, I'm tired.

[33:38] Okay.

[33:39] This letter is from Seth, last name withheld.

[33:43] Rogan.

[33:43] It's titled...

[33:44] Stop stealing my voice, Stuart.

[33:46] It's titled, Stuart is a gang member.

[33:49] Oh, weird.

[33:50] Uh-oh.

[33:51] Oh, a mystery.

[33:52] It sounds like one for the Flophouse Mystery Club.

[33:56] To the mystery van.

[33:59] This says, Steers Floppers, it was with horror that I recently read of the report generated by the FBI's Organized Crime Task Force declaring Juggalos a gang.

[34:11] Knowing that Stewart identifies as ethnically Juggalo, how has this affected his life?

[34:18] Does he fear for his life when out patrolling his turf?

[34:21] Is he engaging in illegal banana smuggling?

[34:24] Perhaps his disguise as a German brewmaster is enough,

[34:30] but I'm worried that Stuart may be in for a long, tough road.

[34:34] Next thing you know, he'll be on a Juggalo reservation,

[34:36] and history books will discuss the dark time known as the Trail of Beers.

[34:42] Your pal's last name withheld.

[34:44] The Trail of Clowns.

[34:45] Yeah, I mean, it's tough on the Juggalo reservation.

[34:48] They drink Faygo, I believe, if I recall.

[34:52] There's a lot of Faygo addicts.

[34:53] Fire soda, they call it.

[34:54] And unlike other reservations, there's a lot of methamphetamines.

[35:01] Yeah, what's hardest for the Juggalos is that now as a gang, they're on the FBI's no meth list, along with everyone else in America, in not being allowed to use meth.

[35:10] Oddly enough, the Juggalos are on the FBI's least wanted list.

[35:13] Sorry, these are your people, Stuart. I apologize.

[35:17] It's okay. I've kind of divorced myself culturally from them, although once again, ethnically, yeah.

[35:23] Was Shaggy too dope, just too dope for you?

[35:25] Exactly, yeah.

[35:26] And too shaggy?

[35:27] That's the thing.

[35:28] What's the other guy's name?

[35:30] Killer Clown Crazy or something?

[35:32] It is.

[35:32] Yeah, I think it's Violent J.

[35:35] Violent J, that's what it is.

[35:36] The J stands for just kidding.

[35:39] Let's go on.

[35:43] This next letter is called Daily Showstoppers.

[35:47] This is an older letter.

[35:50] I think this is about me again, guys.

[35:52] This is an older letter, which will become clear once I start to read it.

[35:56] So who do you guys think will win in the 2008 election?

[35:59] I mean, it hasn't happened yet.

[36:01] I mean, in the letter it says it.

[36:03] Oh, right. 2008.

[36:04] 2008 election. Forget it, guys. It was a joke.

[36:07] It was, as Stuart might say, a bit.

[36:11] Yeah, it's a bit. That's why they pay you the big money over there.

[36:14] He says, I wanted to congratulate Dan on his recent appearance on The Daily Show

[36:19] as a Republican undermining the very foundation

[36:21] of democracy by promoting

[36:23] voter fraud. By the way,

[36:25] looking good, Dan, and I'm not just saying that to

[36:27] ensure my letter gets read on the podcast.

[36:29] Yes, you are.

[36:30] I still think Dan wrote that part.

[36:33] This appearance gave him even more lines than

[36:35] in his appearance as the singing, dancing

[36:37] Santa Claus. As the most inexplicable

[36:39] joke in Daily Show history.

[36:41] In a wrestling leotard.

[36:42] But he goes on to say... That's what that's called.

[36:45] Now that Dan and Hollywood

[36:47] Kaelin, have had multiple on-air

[36:49] appearances. They both seem destined to become

[36:51] the latest in a long line of Daily Show

[36:53] staffers that have appeared in

[36:55] bad movies, or flops, if you will.

[36:57] Jon Stewart himself voiced a character

[36:59] in Dougal. John Oliver played

[37:01] Dick Pants in The Love Guru.

[37:03] Asif Manvi was in The Last Airbender.

[37:05] Wyatt Cenac was the lead in Beverly Hills Cop

[37:07] Legacy.

[37:08] And of course... I wish that was true.

[37:11] And of course, Al Madrigal

[37:13] starred in the hit film, Lies and Illusions.

[37:16] What kind of bad movie would you like to star in

[37:18] and were it to become a flop,

[37:20] would you potentially review it on the podcast?

[37:22] Of course, Stewart is included in the question

[37:24] even though the nudity-based reality series

[37:27] he's going to star in

[37:28] and will leverage his awesomeness into a movie career

[37:31] has not yet been created.

[37:32] Yeah, Wormy Shore it's called.

[37:34] Thanks for the laughs and catch you on the flop side,

[37:37] Stefan Last Name Withheld.

[37:38] Thanks, Stefan.

[37:39] Well, I know what movie I would want to be in,

[37:40] Theodore Rex 2, Baby Rex.

[37:42] It's a prequel about when Theodore Rex was just a hatchling

[37:45] and I play his stern babysitter

[37:47] who also has to team up with him to stop a crime.

[37:49] So you're not actually Theodore Rex.

[37:51] What's that going to be, animatronic?

[37:52] Yeah, like in the movie Theodore Rex.

[37:54] It's a guy in an animatronic suit.

[37:55] Even as a hatchling?

[37:57] So is it going to be like a kid or a midget?

[37:59] It's going to be a full-grown man,

[38:01] and then they're going to use Hobbit technology to shrink him.

[38:04] Oh, okay.

[38:04] He's not just going to be on his knees the whole time?

[38:06] No, it will be because Tim Conway is dwarf as Theodore Rex.

[38:11] It's an interesting concept that Tim Conway is not playing Theodore X.

[38:15] Dorf is playing Theodore X, and Tim Conway is playing Dorf.

[38:18] It's a Matryoshka role.

[38:20] I would like to play the wisecracking cop in a 90s Cinemax-style film about a series of stripper killings.

[38:30] Okay.

[38:31] Actually, you know what?

[38:33] I'd rather be in an aughts Cinemax series where it's one of those ones where it's a repackaged movie with scenes from 90s Cinemax shows.

[38:43] So it's a lot of people just sitting around going, I knew this couple once, and they told me the craziest story.

[38:49] And then it just cuts to a sex scene.

[38:50] I wanted to do –

[38:51] And then when it cuts back, the other people go, wow, that story was hot.

[38:54] You say that I wanted – I, for a long time, wanted to do a stand-up bit about that very same thing.

[39:02] Like, what is going on there?

[39:03] What story are they telling?

[39:04] Were they there watching that?

[39:07] No, they always say, they told me about, or they usually say.

[39:12] And they're like, what are they describing when they're like, well, the two of them had sex.

[39:17] Okay, first he was on top, but then he was behind her, and then she was on top.

[39:24] For many times they were doing reverse cowgirl, but all throughout it, one of them had their hands in front of their genitals.

[39:30] So you couldn't actually see anything.

[39:32] It feels like it was curiously edited down for some reason.

[39:35] And where the penis seems like it should be going into the vagina,

[39:38] it seemed like it was actually going into more of like, I don't know, the belly button region?

[39:41] And there was an irritating rock and roll song that I've never heard anywhere else

[39:45] and never will hear anywhere again.

[39:47] That is a hot story.

[39:49] Why are we talking about sex stories again?

[39:52] I don't remember.

[39:53] Well, time to have sex, I guess.

[39:55] Credits.

[39:56] So, Stuart, what movie would you be in?

[39:58] Well, I would either want to be the guy who's killing all these strippers in dance movies.

[40:03] The house cat killings.

[40:06] Or I would want to be the evil land developer in the Bikini Car Wash sequel.

[40:12] I want to be the guy who has a model made of the Bikini Car Wash, and there's just shots of me smashing it with my hand, with my eyes full of fury.

[40:22] You do realize that you will have to be pushed in a pool eventually.

[40:26] That's fine.

[40:26] Okay.

[40:27] i'm totally comfortable with that i'll do my own stunt i think and at the end when they've

[40:32] defeated you you can go like the stunt where they smash their boobs against your head and you go

[40:37] bikinis i howl at an unforgiving god you rage impotently yep all these things um this next

[40:48] It's called the Bikini Games Workshops Company.

[40:50] This next letter is from a gentleman by the name of Elliot's brother, David, last name with L.

[41:00] Oh, God.

[41:01] Last name is Kalen.

[41:03] And it's titled, The Truth About Elliot and the Paper Mill Playhouse.

[41:07] Dear my favorite floppers and also my brother.

[41:11] Hey.

[41:12] Initially, I was going to write in regarding pseudo-rapper Chet Hayes.

[41:16] As a member of the Northwestern community, I've been well aware of the excitement and subtle condescending mockery surrounding Hayes among NU alumni, and was about to lend my personal opinion as resident irritator of the show.

[41:28] What's more, I was going to avoid mentioning anything about sports, even though with Northwestern football ranked for the first time in the AP poll in four years and one win away from its first 6-0 start since 1962, I totally could have.

[41:44] It's like a parent on the Peanuts TV show.

[41:46] By the way, I saw Dave recently at your sketch show,

[41:53] and Dave was very dismayed by the thought that his letter would be read

[41:58] at a time where the football stats would be out of date.

[42:02] But anyway.

[42:04] Well, he is my brother.

[42:05] I can understand that.

[42:06] It seemed like a fool to all the guys around the water cooler.

[42:10] To all the Northwestern football fans listening to the Flophouse.

[42:12] But Dave continues,

[42:14] I got sidetracked, though, by the fact that during your A Little Bit of Heaven episode,

[42:19] despite constantly expressing frustration whenever I write in,

[42:22] I was mentioned not once, not twice, but three whole times in a span of roughly 20 minutes.

[42:28] How is it that my letters are so disdain?

[42:30] So nonspecific.

[42:31] So he's like Candyman.

[42:32] If we mention him three times, he writes in.

[42:33] We've got to remember that, fellas.

[42:36] Let's stop at two mentions.

[42:37] How is it my letters are so disdain, and yet you can't help but talk about me all the time?

[42:42] Is it possible that three Emmys aren't enough to convince Elliot that he is no longer standing in my considerably larger shadow?

[42:48] Note, the shadow is mostly larger because I'm three inches taller than he is.

[42:52] That's true.

[42:52] In addition, I really can't approve of Elliot obscuring the truth about his past when discussing his date to see Newsies at the Paper Mill Playhouse.

[43:00] Just why is it that Elliot mentioned Anne Hathaway's history of performing there, but not his own?

[43:06] Is he ashamed of his performance as the mayor of Munchkin Land

[43:09] in the 1991 children's production of Christmas in the Land of Oz?

[43:13] What is he hiding?

[43:14] What do Elliot and the Flopstream media not want us to know?

[43:17] Perhaps you can get to the bottom of this instead of distracting the audience

[43:21] with baseless attacks on your self-appointed ombudsman.

[43:25] Sincerely, Elliot's brother.

[43:27] P.S. There's no reason for me to write in regarding orangutans

[43:31] because there are almost no sports team named for primates.

[43:34] England's Hartlepool FC is known as the Monkey Hangers,

[43:37] and Pittsburgh State in Kansas is nicknamed the Gorillas.

[43:39] What about MVP, Most Valuable Primate?

[43:41] But aside from that, the basketball-dunking gorilla mascot for the Phoenix Suns

[43:46] is really as close to sports as orangutans get.

[43:49] There was no reason for him to mention that.

[43:51] So the mayor of Munchkinverse or something?

[43:54] Yeah, the mayor of the Munchkinverse.

[43:57] You were the top Munchkin.

[43:59] I remember it.

[44:00] Now, the reason I didn't mention it before is because I had forgotten it,

[44:02] And I am ashamed of my performance in that.

[44:04] When I was a kid and my brother and I were both in a paper mill kids-like acting program, and I had what I don't have now, which is –

[44:14] Well, yeah.

[44:15] Acting chops.

[44:15] I had chops back then.

[44:17] Back then I had very horrible stage fright and nervousness, and I did not enjoy doing it.

[44:21] It was one of those things where I wanted the joy of performing, but I did not have the confidence that I now have where I can get on a stage and it's like, whatever.

[44:28] I don't care.

[44:28] I'll perform.

[44:29] It's a stage.

[44:30] But back then I was very nervous.

[44:32] No big deal.

[44:32] And they slowly chipped away at my lines of dialogue throughout rehearsals as I was more and more nervous about performing them.

[44:39] I also remember that the woman running the program, we had a final rehearsal the night before the show where the entire audience would be our family.

[44:47] There was no – it's not like the local press was sending a reviewer.

[44:51] No one was buying tickets.

[44:53] And I remember we had a rehearsal and then the woman who ran the program took us out of the room and said, that was the worst performance I've ever seen.

[44:59] and like browbeat us for a while

[45:01] about how bad we were,

[45:02] how ashamed we were going to be in front of our parents.

[45:04] And I think that combined with my stage fright

[45:06] led me to never do it again.

[45:07] But my brother did do it again

[45:09] and played the part of,

[45:10] it was either a dog or a parrot

[45:12] in a play based on James Thurber's The Twelve Clocks.

[45:15] Or Thirteen Clocks.

[45:17] So it had a happy ending.

[45:18] Kind of, I get for David.

[45:21] That's a great story.

[45:22] But we never performed on the main stage

[45:24] of the Paper Note Playhouse.

[45:25] I imagine all of you kids, by the way,

[45:27] like staying up all night

[45:28] to get the first notices the next morning.

[45:30] Yeah, it's Sardi's Jr.

[45:32] Oh, the weekly reader is finally out.

[45:35] They panned us.

[45:37] The pity saver.

[45:39] Half off bananas.

[45:42] We'll never shop in this town again.

[45:46] I've saved the most heartwarming of the letters from last.

[45:51] You mean more heartwarming than my brother's ramblings about primates

[45:54] in Major League Sports?

[45:58] More heartwarming than that.

[46:00] This one is from Maggie, last name withheld.

[46:04] The cat.

[46:05] Gyllenhaal.

[46:07] Maggie Gyllenhaal.

[46:08] It's titled, First Flophouse Baby.

[46:10] Okay, that's not entirely true, but now that I have your attention,

[46:15] I am the Flophouse fan responsible for the Happiest Millionaire episode,

[46:18] which I requested while my husband was stationed in Iraq.

[46:21] We remember it well.

[46:22] Thanks again, by the way.

[46:23] He is home safe and sound, and we are expecting our first child in December.

[46:28] I remarked to a friend yesterday that if the baby weighs seven pounds, it will be a race

[46:32] between my husband and me to be the first to ask, did someone say seven pounds in our

[46:38] best Elliot Kaelin voice?

[46:40] Nice.

[46:41] So I guess what I'm saying is, in a very special way, it will be like Elliot, and by extension

[46:45] the entire Flophouse family, is present for the birth of our firstborn.

[46:49] If he's seven pounds.

[46:50] A miraculous December birth indeed.

[46:52] Only in that case.

[46:53] Oh, and December is when my birthday is.

[46:56] Yeah.

[46:56] Another Elliot Kaelin connection.

[46:58] conspiracy perhaps or maybe you're possessing that baby well there's only one thing to do get

[47:03] two underground priests to totally screw it up this movie have something to do with people being

[47:07] born at the same time as a demon no then why did he just say that i don't know that's uh that is

[47:13] delightful and heartwarming and congratulations ahead of time on your upcoming bundle of joy

[47:18] we're happy that i assume the flop house made it possible by adding that extra spice to the

[47:23] relationship on a very special night i assume that our discussion of the three-hour disney

[47:29] musical the happiest millionaire is what uh you know led to some boxing alligators right

[47:34] yeah the one where he boxes alligators yeah some people put on a little marvin gay

[47:38] two of them put on the happiest millionaire episode yep they put on that song about how

[47:42] great detroit is i assume i mean it was i think it was a pretty sexy episode yeah well stewart

[47:49] did it entirely naked always dan did it wearing stewart's clothes on top of his regular clothes

[47:55] so he can get my scent on him yeah before i then tackle him and we wrestle him off

[48:00] uh but that's gonna happen but that is so congratulations and mazel tov

[48:05] that's that's pretty impressive stewart come on what melt that icy heart okay you're right

[48:13] So that was pretty heartwarming

[48:15] Stuart's not a fan of sex that's used for procreation

[48:18] Exactly

[48:19] He only likes it if it's for pleasure

[48:21] Hedonistic pleasure

[48:22] For at least one party

[48:24] So guys

[48:27] That was a

[48:29] That was a nice Shocktober letter segment

[48:31] It was, are we done with the episode all of a sudden?

[48:33] You're using your end of the episode voice

[48:35] Well I just feel sad

[48:36] Every new segment gets us closer to the end of Shocktober

[48:39] We can make Shocktober last longer

[48:41] Yeah, I mean, it's not like we'll get...

[48:44] The Shocktober magic doesn't transfer to other months.

[48:46] Shocktober ends earlier every year.

[48:47] We have all these other movies to watch, like Abduction.

[48:51] And the Vampire Hunter movie about the president that I like.

[48:55] Some other Shocktober movies.

[48:56] Who cares?

[48:57] Eventually we'll watch Oogie Loves.

[49:01] Oh, yeah.

[49:01] So, guys, what's your favorite memory about Shocktober?

[49:03] Well, wait, what did we watch the time before this?

[49:08] The Raven.

[49:09] I like that more than this one.

[49:11] Okay, me too.

[49:12] My favorite memory was the Shocktober miracle

[49:19] of you guys not getting super angry at me

[49:22] when it took an hour and a half to get the film.

[49:26] I thought it was the other way around.

[49:27] You're the one who got angry.

[49:28] We were silently trying to eat our food.

[49:30] It was like you were possessed by a demon.

[49:32] I didn't accuse you.

[49:33] A dybbuk.

[49:33] I did not accuse you of being angry.

[49:35] I said that it was nice that you did not get angry.

[49:37] We were so scared of you and your possession.

[49:39] We were terrified.

[49:40] As when I thought you were done on the phone, and when I walked into the room, I said, hey, what else is new?

[49:45] And you went, stop it.

[49:47] And it was like, okay, I'm just going to sit down and not say anything.

[49:51] I was receiving a long stream of letters and numbers from the person on the phone, like 20 letters and numbers in a row.

[49:59] That is my password.

[50:00] Yeah, from Time Warner Cable, the worst cable company there is.

[50:03] I was like, can we make this password shorter?

[50:05] And they're like, no, we cannot.

[50:07] It's going to be a completely long stream of random numbers.

[50:11] Just for that, it's ten more numbers.

[50:12] But the thing is, Dan, you have to understand,

[50:15] it's really hard for Elliot and I to silently sit anywhere

[50:19] and not just yabber about bullshit.

[50:20] Yeah, it's what we like to do.

[50:22] That was the miracle, guys, and I appreciate it.

[50:24] The Shocktober miracle.

[50:25] So, anywho.

[50:28] Anywho.

[50:28] This is the part of the podcast where we talk about movies that we saw

[50:33] that we actually enjoyed.

[50:34] Recommendations, we call them.

[50:36] That's what they are.

[50:37] Because that's what that word means.

[50:39] Because we are re-commending something.

[50:43] Anyone raring to go?

[50:44] Well, you guys know that I'm totally into stuff from Japan, right?

[50:49] I guess.

[50:51] I am the ultimate otaku.

[50:54] Otaku bot, what are you doing here?

[50:58] I'm back from Otakon wearing my Pikachu-style spirit hood.

[51:04] So, with that in mind, I would like to recommend a little movie called Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

[51:09] A documentary about an expensive sushi restaurant in a subway.

[51:14] If you're way into food porn like Dan.

[51:19] If you take the word food out.

[51:21] No, but Dan's always posting pictures of food on the Facebook.

[51:24] That's true.

[51:25] Like, all the time.

[51:27] Once every two months.

[51:28] So, if you like seeing pictures of delicious food you can't eat, watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

[51:33] If you like seeing an old Japanese guy who kind of looks like a turtle look disapprovingly at people eating sushi, watch Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

[51:39] If you want to see a telling commentary on the state of the Japanese tuna fishing industry, see Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

[51:47] What if I want to see some outer space battles?

[51:49] Then see Locked Out.

[51:51] Yeah, see Space Jam.

[51:53] So, Jiro Dreams of Sushi.

[51:56] Elliot.

[51:57] Is it my turn now already?

[51:59] Yeah.

[52:00] Oh, boy.

[52:01] I haven't seen anything lately that I really loved.

[52:04] I just finished watching earlier a movie called Terror in a Texas Town, which was a western with Sterling Hayden.

[52:10] The Terror of Tiny Town?

[52:11] No, Terror in a Texas Town.

[52:13] It started out very good, but it eventually settles into kind of a very formulaic story.

[52:18] So it's not bad.

[52:19] It's an 80-minute western, so it doesn't take a lot of time.

[52:21] So if you like westerns, I'd recommend that, Terror in a Texas Town.

[52:25] But for Shocktober scariness, I think I'll recommend a lesser John Carpenter film that I saw recently for the first time after putting it off for a long time, One Prince of Darkness, which is not a – not one of his top-tier movies but still very entertaining and in a weird way kind of scarier because the characters seem so flat and weird and you don't form an emotional connection with them.

[52:49] So it's almost like –

[52:50] It's phantasmagoric.

[52:51] Kind of.

[52:52] Well, that's a horror movie where a lot of stuff doesn't make sense, but that works to its advantage.

[52:58] It's a movie that has a lot of crazy ideas running around in it that are fun, and the characters always seem a little bit removed from you, so it adds to the weirdness of it.

[53:07] And it's also a movie that really extends the opening credits.

[53:11] The opening credits are interspersed with the first scenes of the movie, so John Carpenter's director's credit comes ten minutes into the film, and it starts right away with the credits.

[53:21] It's not like there's a credit sequence later on, but there's some good scares and some gore effects.

[53:26] If you want to see Alice Cooper kill a guy with a bicycle, then this is your best chance.

[53:30] Actually, the Alice Cooper stuff was kind of lame, but all the other stuff was pretty neat.

[53:35] And there's some neat mirror effects.

[53:37] Mirrors?

[53:38] And there's actually a great use of VHS video stock within a film.

[53:46] so there's some neat uh some neat visual and technical things going on in it so it's not a

[53:53] not an amazing movie but i liked it and it's spooky prince of darkness uh rated r is playing at

[54:00] your house if you watch it i watched a movie that uh recently like the movie that i saw recently

[54:10] that I enjoyed

[54:10] is one that needs

[54:11] no introduction

[54:12] nor endorsement.

[54:14] Aerobicide?

[54:15] Which was

[54:16] which was Jaws.

[54:18] I

[54:18] my lovely wife

[54:20] for

[54:21] my wedding anniversary.

[54:23] Is that the movie

[54:25] about the critters

[54:26] from outer space?

[54:28] No, it's called Critters.

[54:29] Is it the movie

[54:30] about the gremlins?

[54:30] That's called Gremlins.

[54:32] Is it the movie

[54:32] about the munchies?

[54:33] That's called Munchies.

[54:35] Is it about that

[54:36] James Bond guy

[54:37] fighting that guy

[54:37] with the metal teeth?

[54:38] Well,

[54:39] The metal teeth one?

[54:41] There's a couple of ones.

[54:44] Well, Moonraker is the main one.

[54:45] Moonraker, no, but he appeared first.

[54:47] That's the one with the pigeon doing the double take.

[54:49] Is it the movie about the Night of the Creeps?

[54:51] That's the Night of the Creeps.

[54:53] Is it the movie where the living dead return?

[54:55] That's Return of the Living Dead, but anyway.

[54:57] Is that the one where the Jedi return?

[54:58] No.

[54:59] The movie Jaws.

[55:01] Is it the one where the adventure begins with Remo Williams?

[55:06] My wife gave me the Blu-ray of Jaws, and we re-watched it, and it should surprise no one that it holds up beautifully, and it's a beautiful Blu-ray.

[55:14] But we also watched the new documentary that's included with it, titled The Shark is Still Working, and I learned a lot of interesting things about Jaws, like how much of the script was improvised, how many of the bit parts in the movie.

[55:30] pretty much everyone who was not a major actor was just someone from uh from martha's vineyard

[55:36] that uh spielberg was like you know like early spielberg was a lot more experimental i feel like

[55:44] in his filmmaking he was a lot more 70s yeah and he's like a lot more new hollywood invade martha's

[55:49] vineyard and give everyone a part in this movie and that's part of why jaws has such a lived-in

[55:54] feeling like it feels like something that's actually taking place in this uh vacation

[55:59] community and uh there's a lot of interesting uh facts in that documentary there's also a lot of

[56:05] just like uh people like standing around talking about jaws like i didn't really need to know that

[56:12] kevin smith and uh im night shamalon like jaws like whatever i know it's a good jaws i know it's

[56:18] a good movie without them saying it's a good movie but jaws the religion where they don't eat pork

[56:23] And they have the Torah

[56:24] Yes

[56:25] You, I think, are thinking of Islam

[56:28] Oh yeah, you're right, you're right

[56:29] So, with Kevin Smith

[56:31] Was he wearing a hockey jersey in his interview?

[56:34] He was

[56:35] He only wears a hockey jersey or a bathrobe

[56:37] The only two things he wears

[56:39] He was wearing his dress hockey jersey, I think

[56:41] I gotta say, the way Kevin Smith

[56:43] The way he wears the Oscars

[56:43] When he won Best Director for Clerks

[56:46] Yeah

[56:48] When he won Best Picture for Zack and Miri Make a Porno

[56:51] It may have been a dream you had

[56:53] What a beautiful dream

[56:55] So Jaws

[56:57] So this is like

[56:58] When they did that

[56:59] Festival of underrated films

[57:01] And Steven Spielberg

[57:02] Selected Lawrence of Arabia

[57:03] No but seriously

[57:05] You can recommend it

[57:06] A classic movie

[57:07] It doesn't have to be

[57:07] An unseen movie

[57:08] You can recommend

[57:09] Lawrence of Arabia too

[57:10] If you haven't watched Jaws

[57:11] In a while

[57:11] It's great

[57:12] Watch it a lot

[57:14] That's what I say

[57:15] Every day

[57:16] Take two Jaws

[57:17] And call me in the morning

[57:18] So I guess

[57:21] I guess this is it guys

[57:23] Shocktober's over

[57:24] Oh that's so sad

[57:25] Don't say it

[57:26] I don't want to live it

[57:26] I can't believe it

[57:27] Okay I'm over it

[57:28] We'll have to do a mid-month Shocktober sometime

[57:30] It makes it all the sweeter

[57:31] Shocktober revival

[57:32] When it comes around again

[57:33] Hey

[57:33] We don't just have to watch horror movies in Shocktober

[57:36] Wait what?

[57:37] We can sprinkle them throughout the year

[57:39] Oh okay

[57:40] I thought you were saying

[57:40] We didn't have to watch horror movies during Shocktober

[57:42] No we have to watch horror movies during Shocktober

[57:44] What the fuck are we going to watch?

[57:45] But for now

[57:48] Let's put that

[57:49] Put a fork in it

[57:51] Put that plastic pumpkin

[57:53] in our pumpkin chest.

[57:55] Our pumpkin chest.

[57:56] Yeah, we'll take the candy out and back

[57:59] and put it away again, put it out next year.

[58:00] Wrap up that candy corn

[58:03] in our orange crepe paper.

[58:05] We'll put these skinned grapes back

[58:07] into the eyes of that witch.

[58:08] Back into the skull of the witch that we took them out of.

[58:10] I'll take all those razor blades out of the

[58:13] apples I was setting out. You probably should.

[58:15] And I guess I will

[58:17] take the spooky

[58:19] Halloween sounds and put them back on my regular

[58:21] walking around playlist for my iPod.

[58:23] and uh say uh good night to all of you dreamers out there for the flop house i've been dan mccoy

[58:32] i've been stewart wellington and when you listen to this i will still be elliot calen and always

[58:36] shall be beginning to end forever good night everyone

[58:41] you've been full of tech problems today dan

[58:52] tech problems

[58:53] I think it's because

[58:54] tech problems

[58:55] future detective

[58:56] I think it's because

[58:56] I'm planning to show

[58:58] Gremlins 2

[58:59] this Saturday

[59:01] and so there's some

[59:01] Gremlins

[59:02] in the system

[59:03] in the system

[59:04] oh man that's good stuff

[59:05] that's right Flophouse fans

[59:06] all Flophouse listeners

[59:07] are invited to Dan's house

[59:08] for Gremlins 2

[59:10] Gremlins 2

[59:10] the stew batch

The Flop House: Episode #113 - The Devil Inside

Transcript

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