The Flop House: Episode #114 - Abduction

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the first and last film that anyone will ever describe as a Taylor Lautner vehicle, Abduction.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:36] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] Hey, Dan, I'm Stuart.

[0:39] Stuart Willington.

[0:41] Hey, Dan and Stuart, my name's Elliot.

[0:42] Elliot Kalin, P.I.

[0:44] Someday Stuart's going to understand that he doesn't say hello in response to me saying,

[0:52] hey, I'm greeting the audience.

[0:55] I'm not greeting Stuart.

[0:56] You were staring right at me when you said that.

[0:57] I know that you're going to introduce yourself next.

[1:01] Let's get right to the point.

[1:02] Okay.

[1:03] We talk about movies here, right?

[1:06] We do talk about movies.

[1:07] Traditionally bad movies.

[1:09] This is the Flophouse podcast.

[1:11] Wow, now you're acting as if you were the responsible one.

[1:15] We should try that.

[1:18] We should do an episode one time where Stuart is the host

[1:20] and he is in control of everything.

[1:22] Hey, there's been a lot that's happened since we last were with

[1:27] the fans.

[1:28] The leaves have turned from green

[1:31] to brown. A presidential election.

[1:33] And your leaf thing

[1:35] happened all the time, Stuart.

[1:36] Yeah, the leaves changed. Your cute little leaf thing.

[1:38] But it was mostly a hurricane and an election.

[1:40] And are we reviewing those tonight?

[1:43] Was it a good bad hurricane?

[1:44] A bad bad hurricane. And Disney bought

[1:46] Star Wars. Disney bought Star Wars, yeah.

[1:48] And George Lucas has retired.

[1:50] Tearing my hair out.

[1:52] He's going to donate his $4 billion

[1:54] to the George Lucas Foundation for George

[1:56] lucas buying stuff uh it's a tax write-off right yeah yeah no i'm just acknowledging that it's

[2:04] been a while like we took a took a extra i have a beard now yeah for the uh you had a cool cap

[2:10] i did i walked in wearing a cool cap i bought two new pairs of shoes so all right people listening

[2:16] at home imagine the shoes and the cap i think we're getting off i read a book about the history

[2:21] of ancient egypt by toby wilkinson that i like i enjoyed wilkinson you said yeah a british

[2:25] egyptologist i think we're getting into less interesting so it's been a lot of time since

[2:30] the last episode a lot has happened how have we changed um i'm tireder than usual no than usual

[2:38] you say stewart is just as thin and handsome oh yeah that's never going to change man yeah

[2:44] the blood of uh virgin virgin primates yeah you're just like a character out of an uva bowl movie

[2:49] and uh as elliot said he has a beard i have a beard to cover up the horrible scars of the

[2:54] incident that took place two weeks

[2:57] ago. Wow. We'll find out

[2:59] about the incident through dreams.

[3:00] Well, I was kissed by a fire wizard.

[3:02] There's no way

[3:05] the hair would grow then. That doesn't make sense.

[3:07] It's magic hair.

[3:08] It's actually thorn brambles.

[3:10] We watched

[3:12] a little movie tonight. A very little

[3:15] movie. A movie that has been much talked

[3:17] about. A movie with very little actual

[3:19] movie in it. But yeah, it was much

[3:20] discussed, especially on the Flophouse Facebook

[3:23] page. It's been much demanded.

[3:24] uh we watched a film called abduction emphasis on ab oh man we're gonna give it the flop house

[3:31] treatment the patented flop house treatment watch out taylor lautner alfred melina sigourney weaver

[3:39] and other stars you're about to get flop house you thought when you made abduction you made the

[3:43] best movie ever you were wrong maybe not we'll see we'll find out when we get to the review segment

[3:49] Which is now

[3:50] Abduction

[3:51] John Singleton directed it

[3:54] John's never made a bad movie

[3:56] I don't know about that

[3:58] He made

[4:00] Toys?

[4:01] Barry Levinson

[4:04] Good, because I hate that movie

[4:06] Another sometimes good director

[4:08] Who made a terrible film

[4:10] I'm just amazed that John Singleton

[4:12] Keeps pumping out the films despite weighing

[4:14] 2,000 pounds

[4:15] A single ton, as his name suggests

[4:19] That's why we got the name John Singleton.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:21] Oh, man.

[4:22] But he wants to make sure that people know that he's not, like, comically fat.

[4:27] He's just a singleton.

[4:28] Oh, no, tragically fat.

[4:29] But, no, it's not, you know, not more than one.

[4:33] Yeah, he's still watching his weight.

[4:35] He's putting the silver lining on the cloud.

[4:37] He's working very hard to stay at the 2,000-pound level and neither gain nor lose any weight.

[4:41] So that happened.

[4:43] So we're going to talk about that some more?

[4:45] Yeah.

[4:46] Okay.

[4:46] So what's the tonnage of John Singleton?

[4:48] Oh, just one.

[4:49] What's the average tonnage of a director of abduction?

[4:53] One, please.

[4:54] Okay, I'll take it.

[4:55] Five dollars.

[4:56] I mean, like, price per pound, that is a good deal.

[5:01] Five dollars a ton is a great deal.

[5:02] Then what do you do with it all?

[5:03] Yeah, that's how they get started.

[5:06] It's a better deal to pay 25 bucks for the seven pounds, because you'll eat that.

[5:10] But a whole ton of John Singleton, it's going to go to waste.

[5:14] So abduction, huh?

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:16] We watched it, so you don't have to.

[5:19] Taylor Lautner starred in it.

[5:20] It starred Taylor Lautner, who you may know as the werewolf Edward.

[5:23] Noted werewolf.

[5:23] Edward, right?

[5:24] No, no, he's Jacob.

[5:25] Jamie?

[5:26] Jamie.

[5:26] Jacob.

[5:27] Spinks?

[5:28] Jason?

[5:28] He's the werewolf Spinks from the Twilight movies.

[5:31] He is Team Jacobs?

[5:34] Yeah, Jacob.

[5:35] Jacob?

[5:35] There's just one of them?

[5:36] There's one Jacob.

[5:37] Okay, so his name is Taylor Single Jacob.

[5:39] So he plays Jacob, the werewolf, in the Twilight movies,

[5:42] and this movie, Abduction, seemed to be implying the whole time

[5:45] that he's about to wolf out

[5:46] if you just want it bad enough.

[5:48] Like, they're constantly teasing,

[5:51] and we'll get to the plot, I guess,

[5:52] but imagine that while we're describing the plot,

[5:54] at every moment, he is looking like a man

[5:57] who's about to turn into a werewolf.

[5:58] Like, they're just teasing you.

[5:59] Maybe he'll be a werewolf now.

[6:01] No.

[6:01] Okay, maybe now he's a werewolf.

[6:03] No, no, no, no, no.

[6:04] They're like, whoa, don't get that guy angry.

[6:05] He might, you know.

[6:07] Yeah, it's a little bit like watching

[6:09] the USA Up All Night version of a bikini movie

[6:11] where they've chopped out

[6:13] all the topless slash werewolf scenes,

[6:15] but the scenes in front of and behind the werewolf scenes are still there.

[6:18] You might see a wet t-shirt.

[6:20] You might if you're lucky.

[6:21] You'll see a lot of thongs, but not a lot of werewolves.

[6:24] And here you might see Taylor Lautner.

[6:26] You don't see either of those things.

[6:27] Wet t-shirts.

[6:30] But in a USA Apple Night movie, they would always have a lot of werewolves.

[6:32] Oh, they always have werewolves.

[6:34] No, they don't have werewolves.

[6:36] Like in The Company of Wolves.

[6:37] Except, of course, for the bikini car wash werewolf.

[6:39] It's a werewolf car wash?

[6:42] Well, no, what happens is a bunch of bikini girls inherit a werewolf.

[6:45] And they have told that car wash to stop a land developer from building condos instead of a werewolf.

[6:51] They want to build the condos on the werewolf.

[6:55] The problem is those condos only exist when there's a full moon.

[6:59] So it's a bad plan for the land developer.

[7:01] And he still ends up getting pushed in a pool at the end.

[7:04] So, abduction, eh?

[7:07] So, abduction.

[7:08] Should we say what this movie's about?

[7:10] For the few people who haven't seen it, since it was the most successful film in film history,

[7:15] Abduction is a low-budget pizza nonsense starring –

[7:18] Pizza nonsense?

[7:19] I thought you might say that.

[7:21] I was hoping you would ignore it, that when I said piece of nonsense, it sounded like pizza nonsense.

[7:25] So Abduction is the story of Taylor Lautner, your ordinary run-of-the-mill high school student who is super ripped and has amazing abs and rides a motorcycle all the time.

[7:37] He sometimes rides on the front of a truck.

[7:38] Yeah, on the front of a car while his friend is driving to a party.

[7:41] He's driven to a party while riding on the hood.

[7:44] We immediately love him.

[7:46] This ripped, hood-riding teenager is immediately the most lovable character in film history.

[7:54] With the one problem that he is totally unlikable.

[8:00] The first few things we see him do in this movie are endanger his life by riding on a hood of a car,

[8:09] play beer pong, and then cackle with his friends

[8:13] at this raging party at some girl's house.

[8:16] And he gets drunk and passes out and wakes up shirtless

[8:19] on the front lawn of the house the next day.

[8:20] Oh, this is our hero.

[8:22] We like him because he's such a totally awesome dude, I guess.

[8:26] Well, he's like a fantasy figure for the viewer,

[8:29] but he's a fantasy love object.

[8:32] He's my fantasy figure.

[8:33] Whoa.

[8:34] I was just going to say we're going for the Taylor Lautner fans,

[8:36] which are like teenage girls, basically.

[8:39] I mean, I don't know kids who like nowadays, dude.

[8:42] Maybe all the kids ride around on cars, get super ripped.

[8:45] I don't think a lot of kids ride on the hoods of cars.

[8:47] Give each other high fives over Pirates tickets.

[8:49] There's nothing that gets a 13-year-old girl hotter than some dude playing beer pong.

[8:54] That is what she aspires to for her.

[8:57] But like a bad boy guy who your dream is to tame him and harness.

[9:03] Tame the wolf with him.

[9:04] Exactly, to tame the wolf.

[9:05] This is just like your typical frat nonsense.

[9:08] This is not like a bad boy behavior.

[9:10] You're riding on the hood of a car and getting drunk and passing out?

[9:14] That's bad boy behavior.

[9:15] I don't know how they do things in Eureka, Illinois, Dan.

[9:18] Average asshole.

[9:18] But when a teenager passes out drunk and wakes up on the lawn of a house with no shirt on,

[9:22] that's all I need for minimum bad boy acceptance.

[9:25] I mean, he's totally rude.

[9:26] Yeah, he's totally rude and he's got attitude.

[9:28] This is going to sound really weird, Elliot, but I'm going to side with Dan on this one.

[9:32] Really?

[9:32] He's neither rude nor has any toot.

[9:36] He's just a regular old dude.

[9:38] okay he's been downgraded from bad boy to boy uh but anyway that's what we see him do then he goes

[9:45] home and his parents are not happy that he's hungover so his dad makes him fight him and

[9:51] there's a he's training him how to fight and his dad is just beating the shit out of him in a fight

[9:55] scene that's just slightly shorter than the fight scene from they live and it's just a hair short of

[10:00] child abuse we don't really know either of these characters at this point we know one is not a bad

[10:05] dude with attitude he's just a regular regular average show teen riding on the hoods of cars

[10:10] and getting drunk with his friends you think his dad might be a prude oh god and no one shows up

[10:16] nude and someone plays zood and you know all right thanks dr seusses there you go uh anywho so but

[10:24] then taylor lautner gets mad and his dad's like good good you focus that think about what you're

[10:29] doing and him and his dad beat each other up and it's again you're like this is the first moment

[10:32] you're like he's about to turn into a werewolf isn't he no he's just he's just flaring his

[10:37] nostrils and kicking his dad but uh he's also got a crush on a girl who shows up at the party

[10:43] with a boyfriend what a uh she's got a big eyebrows this girl she's got kind of bushy eyebrows

[10:49] but pretty pretty yeah i know she's a lady she's still the romantic lead of a movie she's a pretty

[10:55] girl i just don't want you guys to you know it's not like a hunchback or nothing focus on the

[10:59] eyebrows it's hard not to because her face is kind of bland pretty sure but uh she's you know

[11:05] pretty she's a girl whatever you get what are you gonna do yeah anywho they go to school

[11:09] his friends rag on him he's on the wrestling team no that's fine uh and a t the teacher of the

[11:16] sociology class which they have in high school a teacher who is throwing a baseball between his

[11:20] hands for nobody's first day of class though right like he's basically teaching them what

[11:24] sociology is this is the history is the study of societies and you have a turn page turn paper to

[11:31] do and now i'm going to split you up into groups but i know your names already yeah and i'm gonna

[11:36] make you work in this class this is not gonna be an easy class yeah this is gonna be totally

[11:41] sociological if the teacher gets kind of a little speech like that you never see him again uh but

[11:46] he pairs up taylor lautner and the girl he has a crush on who's also lives across the street from

[11:51] Oh, man, that sucks.

[11:52] This is awkward or great, I don't know.

[11:54] And he spends a little bit of a mini-montage cleaning up his room.

[11:57] This is an action movie, by the way.

[11:59] And so far, we've seen the character go to a party, fight his dad,

[12:02] and then clean up his room after getting assigned a term paper.

[12:06] And we also see a picture of the girl who lives across the street.

[12:09] We see a shot of her taking a poster,

[12:11] a poster-sized picture of herself and her ex-boyfriend.

[12:15] And ripping it.

[12:16] Ripping it in half.

[12:17] She got a mate at Kinko's.

[12:18] All the teens are doing that now, along with their hood riding.

[12:21] and they're passing out.

[12:23] Yeah, I don't know.

[12:24] I'm not a teen anymore, guys.

[12:25] I'm a grown man.

[12:26] Like our hero, Taylor Lautner.

[12:28] But he's playing a teen, poorly.

[12:30] So Taylor Lautner,

[12:32] let's just take a moment to talk about

[12:33] how would you describe his charisma?

[12:35] More like a sponge or more like a brick?

[12:37] He's sort of like a cigar store Indian.

[12:41] He's kind of like a block of wood

[12:43] that someone drew abs on with a Sharpie marker.

[12:45] He's like a young John Cena.

[12:46] Yeah, he's less lumpy.

[12:48] John Cena has way more charisma

[12:50] which is which is weak compliments right there that's very weak praise to say more charisma

[12:56] than taylor lautner but still uh and obviously some of this has to do with my anger at taylor

[13:02] lautner being like what i assume a millionaire teenager with super great abs that sounds like

[13:06] a great movie title actually if this was a movie about taylor lautner being a millionaire teenager

[13:12] much better i used to i mean like i said this during the film though but also like

[13:17] And Taylor Leitner seems to be one of those cases of the teen heartthrob where it's like, okay, yeah, he's, like, super cut.

[13:24] But he looks kind of weird.

[13:27] Like, he's got, like, a weird fucking nose and, like, weird low brow, like, eyebrows.

[13:32] Kids like that.

[13:32] It's caveman chic.

[13:33] Okay, I guess so.

[13:34] I mean, he really does.

[13:36] He does.

[13:36] He looks like he should.

[13:37] He would not be out of place making cave paintings of how he took down.

[13:41] Well, he's an astralo-hunkathicus.

[13:43] Okay.

[13:43] Fair enough.

[13:45] I mean, whatever.

[13:46] He's a Neanderthal dude.

[13:47] We can pass along.

[13:49] I mean, it's more important.

[13:50] Our generation had Encino Man.

[13:51] Exactly.

[13:52] Their generation has Jacob, the werewolf.

[13:55] Every generation has their caveman.

[13:57] The point is.

[13:57] For the generation before us, it was Ringo Starr in the movie Caveman.

[14:00] Before that, it was Robert Vaughn, and I was a teenage caveman, or whatever it's called.

[14:03] At least it's called Teenage Caveman.

[14:05] The Deus Ex homework assignment that puts this into motion is that they have to do something about, I guess, abducted kids.

[14:13] They're somehow doing a term paper on them.

[14:15] Weird first project.

[14:16] On child abductions, and they find a website that shows pictures of kids

[14:20] and then what they might look like as adults now in the time since they've been abducted.

[14:24] And one of the kids slash adults looks just like Taylor Lautner.

[14:28] Uh-oh.

[14:29] He does some quick detective work, finds his old shirt that's in the picture,

[14:34] and compares it to other pictures and talks to a friend of his and decides it's him.

[14:38] So he confronts his mom, who admits she's not him.

[14:41] By actress Maria Bello.

[14:43] Yeah, Maria Bello.

[14:44] Yeah, she's great.

[14:44] She wears the hat in that show, right?

[14:46] Oh, yeah, the canceled show.

[14:49] Yeah, she's not on that show anymore.

[14:50] The Prime Suspect remake.

[14:51] Yeah, Hat Cop.

[14:52] Lady Hat Cop.

[14:54] The show.

[14:55] The series.

[14:55] And his dad, you may remember as Lucius Malfoy.

[15:00] Yeah, Jason Isaacs.

[15:01] Who's Lucius Malfoy?

[15:02] He always plays a good guy.

[15:03] Is that a character from, like, a Harry Lord of the Rings of Star Wars type thing?

[15:06] Yeah, it's from one of those things.

[15:07] Yeah, one of those.

[15:07] Okay.

[15:07] Is that, like, a Star Trek hobbit?

[15:09] Avengers.

[15:12] How do you keep going is what I'm going to say.

[15:14] Keep it up.

[15:15] Star Trek Hobbit sounds great.

[15:17] Is he on Grimm?

[15:18] Come on.

[15:20] That is a level of nerdy that I will not commit to, friend.

[15:25] Okay.

[15:26] Is he on the Mother Goose and Grimm cartoon show that used to be on in the 90s?

[15:28] Anyway, so she admits she's not his real mother.

[15:32] And she's going to reveal the truth to him as soon as she goes downstairs and gets his dad.

[15:37] But then a knock on the door.

[15:39] Two surprise sinister secret agents show up, and it's because of a scene we forgot where they look on this website and they get in touch with the website operator and say, we think we've found one of these kids.

[15:51] But it turns out the site is being run by a Serbian criminal who then hacks through the computer back to the webcam to see Taylor Lautner using the computer and then track him to his current location.

[16:02] That's a perfect use of computers.

[16:05] Because apparently it's very easy to do that.

[16:08] This is a movie where it's very easy to hack into computers, phones, security cameras, balloons, everything you need.

[16:16] Later on, the CIA is getting involved in this story, and let me tell you, the CIA has a tap on every phone and computer that exists in the world.

[16:22] In the world.

[16:23] Pay phones, cell phones, home phones, you know.

[16:27] Those, like, speaking spells, they're not really phones, but it's close enough.

[16:31] Homophones.

[16:32] So we're about a half hour into the movie at this point.

[16:35] Yeah, it's taken a long time to get here.

[16:36] So these secret agents show up.

[16:38] There's a brief fight where Maria Bello kicks some butt, even without a hat on, but then gets killed.

[16:43] Oh, man.

[16:44] And the dad shows up.

[16:45] He gets killed, too, yeah.

[16:47] But not until after taking out one of the other agents.

[16:50] Taylor Lautner and the girl that he has a crush on beat up the last guy.

[16:54] Taylor Lautner gets a fire poker from the fireplace and just hits him with it a bunch of times.

[16:59] And he goes, I'll tell you everything you want to know, but I won't die here.

[17:04] There's a bomb in the oven.

[17:06] And, of course, they go to check, and there's seven seconds left on the bomb.

[17:09] So they jump out of the house.

[17:11] The explosion blows them into the pool.

[17:12] Yeah, it really helped that one guy.

[17:13] I was like, I'm not going to die here.

[17:15] He's like, well, I guess you're still in that house where it exploded.

[17:18] Maybe you shouldn't have set the bomb for ten seconds after you left the oven.

[17:21] And also, both these guys have been fighting the whole time.

[17:25] Who had time to put a bomb in the oven?

[17:26] And also, is it called a bomb in the oven when you've got a rambunctious kid that you're pregnant with?

[17:30] Well, that bomb in the oven, that was for Sunday brunch.

[17:34] It seems unnecessary to put the bomb in the oven.

[17:36] I mean, is that to make it look like it happened from natural causes?

[17:39] Oven-based causes?

[17:40] Just a natural oven explosion like you have.

[17:43] They were just trying to bake a bomb, but they miscalculated.

[17:47] It's so hard to get a good glaze on a bomb because it doesn't have any juices.

[17:50] So now the kid, the girl, and the guy, Taylor Weltner, are on the run.

[17:55] And she got hurt in the arm a little bit, so he takes her to the hospital.

[17:58] And he calls from the hospital.

[18:01] He calls 911, and the CI picks up.

[18:04] It's Alfred Molina, and he says like, blah, blah, blah, you're in trouble or danger or something.

[18:08] And then they go to –

[18:09] So you've got to trust me, and he throws it back in his face, the thing that Jason Isaacs' dad said.

[18:14] It's like trust is something you earn.

[18:16] Yeah, it's his roadhouse pain don't hurt moment, you know, his philosophy.

[18:21] They go to the hospital, and he tries to dial 911 again I guess, and it's the CIA again.

[18:30] Like what happens?

[18:30] This is all the same thing.

[18:31] It's the same phone call?

[18:32] I thought they talked to the CIA in the house.

[18:34] Is it just in the hospital?

[18:36] No, just at the hospital.

[18:37] And Sigourney Weaver.

[18:39] Look, there's so many phone calls in this movie.

[18:41] Sigourney Weaver, who is Taylor Lautner's therapist earlier in the film.

[18:46] She's helping him to deal with his anger and his recurring dreams of watching his mom get killed in front of him.

[18:51] And his desire to wolf out.

[18:52] Yeah.

[18:53] And you mean his dreams that are just actual memories.

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:58] Because like most people, when Taylor Lutton goes to sleep, he just plays memories back from his past history.

[19:03] It's like a greatest hits is what happens when you dream.

[19:06] It would be great if he just imagined his blooper reel and it was his real memories with people screwing up.

[19:11] And Yackety Sax playing in his dream.

[19:13] They don't usually do that around blooper reels.

[19:15] But no, Sigourney Weaver shows up.

[19:18] But he dreams all the time.

[19:19] So he's on the phone at the hospital and calls 911 and Alfred Molina answers and says the trust thing.

[19:24] Then Sigourney Weaver shows up with a big handful of Mylar balloons, which is her-

[19:29] Perfect disguise.

[19:29] Which is literally her disguise.

[19:31] She goes, oh, Alfred Molina, you can't trust him.

[19:34] You've got to come with me.

[19:35] And she uses the-

[19:36] I'm a friend of your dad, and I'm a secret agent, too.

[19:39] Come with me.

[19:40] She uses the- a friend of your real dad.

[19:42] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[19:42] And she uses the balloons to hide them from the view of other people, and then she lets them go so that they can cover up a security camera.

[19:50] and then she has the best line

[19:52] in the movie as she

[19:53] they get into a car and as she's about to get into the car and drive

[19:56] them to safety she goes I hate balloons

[19:58] and then

[20:00] they drive off narrowly escaping

[20:02] being caught

[20:02] that was her secret the whole time

[20:05] and you're waiting for something else

[20:06] she had to overcome her hatred of balloons to help

[20:09] Nathan aka Taylor Larson

[20:11] that's how important this was it's literally

[20:12] snakes why does it have to be snakes moment but balloons

[20:16] and balloons never come up

[20:18] again sigourney weaver does not have to overcome another balloon it really felt like she should

[20:21] have said i hate balloons and then shot the balloons and they exploded yep and the entire

[20:26] hospital exploded and their car goes flying out of the blast well that's the acceleration they

[20:32] need to get a get away from the bad guys but it's like a rocket ship it's a controlled explosive

[20:37] blast okay that's how rocket ships work yeah yeah sigourney weaver takes taylor lautner and

[20:42] bland love interest with her and uh let's just call her girl cute girl cute girl and uh pushes

[20:50] them out of the car basically she says we're gonna be rounding a turn i need you to jump out of the

[20:54] car where no one will see you and they jump into the woods and then she creates a diversion by

[20:58] blowing her car up but she's not in it and so now the cia is after them she tells them they got cia

[21:04] guys they got i guess serbian criminals still after him she's got four people she says there

[21:11] are four people who know the truth about you your fake parents me and your real dad and his real dad

[21:17] is a secret agent of some kind now alfred molina then debriefs i guess the head of the cia who's

[21:22] it's not general petraeus because he's stepped down obviously alfred molina calls an exposition

[21:29] meeting he's like guys basically what it is we're desperate need exposition in this film we gotta

[21:34] like do the stat and he says that tale exposition meeting in the conference room

[21:40] Why would all these guys be trying to get this cool teenager?

[21:42] This isn't If Looks Could Kill.

[21:44] There hasn't been like a mix-em-up.

[21:46] I think, did we forget to mention he has a motorcycle, too?

[21:48] Oh, that's why they're after him.

[21:49] And he wears sunglasses.

[21:50] At night.

[21:52] Sunglasses to keep his son out of his eyes.

[21:56] Wait, he has a son?

[21:57] Yeah.

[21:58] I don't want to see my son.

[21:59] I'll put sunglasses on.

[22:00] Dad, you can still see me.

[22:02] I'm just a little bit dimmer.

[22:03] Anyway.

[22:06] Alfred Molina explains that Taylor Lautner's dad was a secret agent who found a list of 25 secret agents who had, I guess, sold out America to this Serbian criminal.

[22:18] And now the Serbian criminal wants that list, which is – because I guess that was his only copy and it's on a phone.

[22:23] And Taylor Lautner is –

[22:26] Taylor Lautner had been put into hiding to protect him because he would have been leveraged, I guess.

[22:31] The easiest way to get that phone is not to go after the secret agent who has it.

[22:36] but to get his kid and use the kid as a bargaining chip.

[22:39] So he's had this phone for like 15 years?

[22:42] No, the phone has been hidden in a safe house for 15 years.

[22:45] Oh, okay.

[22:45] But also, this is the first of three or four times

[22:48] that we're told this exposition.

[22:50] Alfred Molina tells these people.

[22:52] Then he tells Taylor Lautner.

[22:53] Taylor Lautner tells the girl, and it's like,

[22:55] yeah, we saw this.

[22:56] We know why they're chasing you.

[22:58] Come on.

[22:58] Taylor Lautner and the girl go to a safe house

[23:01] where they get a gun and the phone.

[23:02] I think the movie thinks that, like,

[23:04] Because, like, objectively, this plot doesn't make any sense.

[23:06] But the movie thinks that maybe if it repeats it three times, we'll be like, oh, yeah, I get it.

[23:11] Oh, sure.

[23:12] Fine.

[23:13] It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

[23:14] It's like The Secret.

[23:16] They say it enough.

[23:17] People would really interact with each other in one of these situations.

[23:20] No, it's true.

[23:20] And, of course, they would have to explain it to each other.

[23:22] They'd have to explain it every time.

[23:23] That's true.

[23:24] Over and over again.

[23:24] I mean, it's just hyper-realistic is what I'm trying to say.

[23:26] Very hyper-realistic.

[23:26] It's like a mumblecore thriller.

[23:28] I wish it was more mumbly.

[23:31] We wouldn't hear brilliant dialogue like, I hate balloons.

[23:34] So they get on a train then, right?

[23:38] Is that the next thing they do?

[23:39] Yeah, they've got to like, yep, it's a spy movie, so there's got to have a train.

[23:41] They're going to take a train from Pittsburgh to Cincinnati.

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:44] In search of spaghetti with chili on top, I would imagine.

[23:48] Because that's where the phone is hidden, I guess.

[23:51] Geographies or some shit.

[23:53] But a thug chases after them.

[23:55] And here's another great moment that we forgot to mention.

[23:58] So the Serbian war criminal comes in from London.

[24:01] There's a scene where they establish how sinister he is by showing him going through customs and being allowed to pass through customs using his passport.

[24:10] They show him in a hotel room with his thugs, and the thugs are very clearly eating room service food.

[24:18] There are these great moments where it's like, for Verisimilitude, we should show that if he's going to go to the United States, he'd have to pass through naturalization.

[24:26] Oh, and you know what?

[24:28] They're going to get hungry on this stakeout.

[24:30] Let's show someone dipping French fries into a bottle of ketchup.

[24:33] So one of the thugs, who looks kind of like a thinner Michael Moore,

[24:37] chases after them on this train.

[24:39] But first, Taylor Lautner and the girl make out, hot and heavy.

[24:43] Oh, man, it's crazy.

[24:44] He literally picks her up and is holding her by the butt,

[24:47] and then they sit down, and they're kissing and kissing,

[24:49] and then she goes, hey, we should...

[24:51] Get your boners ready, guys.

[24:51] Get your boners ready.

[24:53] Shine them up.

[24:55] Gentlemen, rev up your penises.

[24:57] Check the oil on that thing.

[25:00] Put a nice shirt and tie on.

[25:03] Gentlemen, shave your boners professionally.

[25:07] Yeah, not amateurishly.

[25:10] Come on, no.

[25:11] You'll look terrible.

[25:11] Gentlemen, unpack it from wax.

[25:15] So they're on the train and they make out.

[25:19] Get out of cryo-freeze.

[25:20] She goes, hey, we should have something to eat.

[25:23] And he's like, yeah, yeah.

[25:25] And they should have played up the moment more where he's like,

[25:30] Wait, what? Are we not doing that anymore?

[25:32] I mean, it seemed like we were on our way to having sex.

[25:35] I don't know about teenage boys, but I think they can pass up food for a little while if sex is on the table.

[25:41] Yeah, exactly. Well, especially if they have to get through the sex to get to the food that's on the table.

[25:45] Like, let's say there's a plate of food, but there's a girl in front of it.

[25:48] Okay, okay, I can imagine this.

[25:50] Just, how else are you going to get that food except by sexing your way through?

[25:54] Sure. You couldn't just push her out of the way.

[25:56] That would be rude. Come on, you're a gentleman.

[25:59] And you know what?

[25:59] While she's falling, her leg might hit the food.

[26:01] Knock that on the floor.

[26:02] Then there goes your hot dogs and macaroni.

[26:05] It's like macaroni noodles with a cut of hot dogs.

[26:08] That's what teenage boys like to eat, right?

[26:10] Sure.

[26:11] Well, teenage boys or five-year-olds, I don't know.

[26:13] It's like a turkey leg for a medieval knight.

[26:16] Science tells us that after you've had sex with a girl, she's not hungry.

[26:19] No, not at all.

[26:20] Then you get all that food.

[26:21] Then you can get that, like, Go-Gurt, whatever it is, or Lunchables that's sitting on the table.

[26:25] Whatever the kids eat these days.

[26:28] You know, what is it, like, Elio's Pizza Cones?

[26:30] Something like that.

[26:32] What is it, like, Choco Tacos?

[26:34] I don't know.

[26:35] You know, I don't know, pizza food.

[26:36] You know, for kids.

[26:36] What's the kind of, like, you know, hamburger pizza or something?

[26:40] Some kind of Oreo cheeseburger?

[26:42] Someone's got a crocodile cartoon on the box.

[26:45] Something with a cartoon penguin with a backwards hat and a skateboard.

[26:50] Hey, that's a cool penguin.

[26:51] What's he doing eating that food?

[26:53] So if you're going to get that plate of chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs,

[26:56] you're gonna have to get have sex with that woman first you gotta sex someone up for that

[27:00] and if you're lucky the motion from having sex will bounce the food closer to your mouth

[27:06] i mean that's the only reason you're doing it if you're a teenage boy

[27:09] so what your body wants so the point is there's a fight fight is she goes to the she goes to the

[27:17] cafeteria and the bad guy follows her pulls her into a into a passenger berth and beats her up

[27:24] and threatens to cut one of her fingers off.

[27:26] Like the bad guy in Darkman.

[27:28] Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

[27:30] Which one, Die, Darkman, Die, The Return of Durant?

[27:34] No, it's Durant from the first one.

[27:35] Before he returns.

[27:37] Not a few good Darkmen?

[27:39] Twelve Angry Darkmen? Is that it?

[27:42] No, that's a much later Darkman.

[27:44] That band, Darkman and Astro Darkman?

[27:47] Wait and Tell Darkman?

[27:48] No, not at all. That doesn't work.

[27:51] Oh, man.

[27:52] It doesn't have the word man in the title.

[27:53] No, no, you can go with the word dark, too.

[27:55] You know what, let's just pretend this never happened.

[27:56] Near dark, man.

[27:57] You know what, restart the podcast.

[27:58] Okay, so there's a big fight in a train car

[28:02] and just in the one passenger room.

[28:04] And I know what you're thinking.

[28:05] A fight in a train berth.

[28:07] Wasn't that done in a sleeper car?

[28:09] Wasn't that done in From Russia With Love?

[28:11] Isn't it one of the best fight scenes in the Bond series?

[28:13] Yes, it is.

[28:14] And does abduction outdo it?

[28:17] No, it does not.

[28:19] But, you know.

[28:20] But it does end with Taylor Lautner tossing an unconscious man out the window of a train.

[28:26] And then when he sees the man's glasses are still on the floor of the train, crushing them with his shoes.

[28:30] Because he hates nerds.

[28:32] It is another one of those movies where, like, not as bad as Green Lantern where a jock was beating up a nerd in a wheelchair.

[28:39] But like that where a pudgy guy with glasses is fighting, like, this ripped teen who rides a motorcycle.

[28:45] And we're supposed to root for the teen and not the pudgy guy with glasses.

[28:48] He's like, prescription canceled.

[28:51] Hindsight is 20, daddy.

[28:56] So what happens?

[29:00] So they get off the train because someone pulls the cord or something.

[29:03] I don't remember how the train stops.

[29:04] There must have been some kind of happening going on.

[29:05] And they go run off into the woods.

[29:07] And they run off into the woods again.

[29:09] This is their second time in the woods for those keeping count.

[29:12] And basically, let's just skip ahead.

[29:15] Alfred Molina catches up with them.

[29:16] He takes them to a diner where he tells the story to Taylor Lautner that we already know about.

[29:20] Yeah.

[29:21] And Taylor Lautner intuits that Alfred Molina is probably on this list, and that's why he cares so much about it.

[29:27] That's why he wants it so bad.

[29:28] A bunch of guys get shot by snipers.

[29:30] The Serbian snipers kill the good guys, and then Taylor Lautner runs away while the Serbians are using machine guns to blast the windows of this diner.

[29:37] And then Alfred Molina turns to this female agent who's with him and nods.

[29:41] And the bad guys walk in and see Alfred Molina and the female agent lying on the ground with their eyes closed.

[29:46] And the bad guys walk past, and then Alfred Molina and the other woman just get up and start shooting them.

[29:52] It's literally like, huh, they don't have any blood on them, and they're breathing, but their eyes are closed, and they're standing still, so I guess they're dead now?

[29:59] Anyway, we're professional mercenaries.

[30:00] We'll just walk past them.

[30:02] It is, that is, I think, my second favorite dumb moment after I hate balloons.

[30:06] So anyway.

[30:09] But Lautner makes a deal with the Serbian guy.

[30:11] He's going to meet him at a Pittsburgh Pirates game to make what he thinks is going to be the handoff for the phone.

[30:16] The most thrilling climax they can imagine.

[30:19] A Pittsburgh Pirates game.

[30:21] So they show up.

[30:23] There's a lot of beauty shots of the stadium.

[30:25] Different statuaries around it.

[30:27] They're playing the Mets.

[30:29] I think this movie may have been funded by Pittsburgh.

[30:31] That's just one of the mysteries of Pittsburgh.

[30:34] Why did abduction get made there?

[30:36] That's just one of the gentlemen of the road I do.

[30:42] That's one of the...

[30:44] But now we're doing Michael Shea.

[30:45] Let's just do the one that has Pittsburgh in it.

[30:47] So he gets his buddy who...

[30:50] Dan, are you just not on today?

[30:51] So anyway, Stuart.

[30:53] Okay.

[30:54] Let's focus, guys.

[30:56] It's one of the Wonder Boys.

[30:57] I think we can still finish this.

[30:58] We can still do it.

[30:59] I don't think so.

[31:00] I don't think so.

[31:01] Telegraph records.

[31:02] So he gets his buddy to give him those VIP tickets to a Pirates game.

[31:08] I mean, they're worth their weight in gold, which is not a lot because they're just tickets.

[31:11] They're just pieces of paper, yeah.

[31:12] And he gets his friend to, like, stash a gun?

[31:15] Somehow, his friend, who is the best fake ID maker in Pittsburgh, he says, stashes a

[31:21] gun under the seat in the stadium.

[31:23] They've established he's a criminal at this point.

[31:25] Yeah, I guess.

[31:26] Yeah, it's true.

[31:27] A smooth criminal at that.

[31:28] I mean, he makes fake IDs.

[31:28] He does make fake IDs and sells them.

[31:30] If he was making them for his own artistic use, it probably wouldn't be him.

[31:33] So he tricks this Serbian war criminal to go by himself to a baseball game where he

[31:37] has a gun stashed under a chair.

[31:39] He couldn't send one of his hired goons.

[31:41] Oh, no, that would break the rules of the game.

[31:42] But the Serbian bad guy does buy a bag of popcorn.

[31:46] They don't have the rules of attraction.

[31:47] No.

[31:48] Those were well-established earlier on in the train car when we had that hot make-out scene.

[31:53] When they are making out and not faking out.

[31:55] So he buys popcorn.

[31:57] They want to start breaking out before things start shaking out.

[32:01] That was the second best line of the movie.

[32:03] At one point they need to—

[32:04] The Serbian war criminal mentions how much he loves popcorn.

[32:06] That was a good line, too.

[32:07] I didn't get to say unleash the Kraken out.

[32:09] Okay.

[32:10] No, he didn't say that.

[32:11] Yeah, he hates baseball, but I love it.

[32:12] He goes, I don't understand this game, but I like popcorn.

[32:14] Great.

[32:16] And so Taylor Lautner starts pulling the gun out from under the seat,

[32:19] and the bad guy's like, maybe I can tell you the truth about your father.

[32:22] And he goes, the truth?

[32:23] He goes, yeah, I killed your mom, but not your dad,

[32:26] which is stuff we know already.

[32:27] Yeah, we knew from the dreams, right?

[32:29] And he's like, oh, that memory I have of seeing a woman get killed

[32:31] was a woman getting killed.

[32:33] I remember more of my memory now, and you were the guy who did it.

[32:38] He was the guy, and he goes, I made one mistake.

[32:40] I didn't check under the bed because he now somehow knows that Taylor Lautner was hiding under the bed the whole time.

[32:45] But while he was telling him this, bum-bum, the Serbian guy got the gun somehow.

[32:50] Also, there was an exciting play in the baseball game, and Taylor Lautner gets up to watch it and then sits back down again.

[32:56] Come on, focus, Taylor Lautner.

[32:58] If I'm remembering correctly, but it's like, hey, look, he may be a spy on the run.

[33:02] He may be a kid who's been lied to all his life, but at heart, he's a Pirates fan.

[33:05] He's a Piraniac.

[33:07] He's got priorities.

[33:08] He's a big pit head.

[33:10] That's what they call themselves, right?

[33:12] A pit fiend.

[33:13] David Kalin, do not write in to correct that.

[33:16] Don't tell us what Pittsburgh Pirates fans call themselves.

[33:18] We don't care.

[33:19] So Taylor Lautner goes on the run,

[33:22] and the Serbian war criminal tries to catch that kid.

[33:25] In the process...

[33:26] He does try to catch that kid.

[33:28] In the process, he knocks over every possible type of concession.

[33:31] People with hot dogs, people with popcorn.

[33:34] Oh, my nachos are safe.

[33:35] Nope.

[33:36] On the ground, idiot.

[33:38] It's like they're inventing foods that were never sold.

[33:41] Oh, my turducken.

[33:43] Oh, my sushi.

[33:44] Oh, my full wok.

[33:47] Stews.

[33:50] Oh, my souffle.

[33:51] My baked Alaska.

[33:52] There's this really awesome scene.

[33:55] You loved this part, Dan.

[33:57] You were crazy about it.

[33:57] You were sliding down that giant piece of glass.

[33:59] Taylor Lautner parkours around a little bit and slides down the glass covering of an escalator.

[34:04] And then this is a pretty good part.

[34:06] That's the set piece of the movie.

[34:08] He's hanging from the glass and then drops to the ground and seriously hurts his ankle and goes, ah, and then is limping away.

[34:15] But it's got a huge lead at that point.

[34:18] I assume it's supposed to even out the fact that a 60-year-old Serbian war criminal is chasing after the fittest teenager in the world.

[34:26] Yeah.

[34:26] And that they have to even it up by having him hurt himself and raise the stakes.

[34:29] But he's also gotten a phone call from his dad who said, I'm here at the stadium.

[34:33] Lead him out to the parking lot and we'll spring the trap or something like that.

[34:37] Something stupid, yeah.

[34:38] So Taylor Lautner brings him out to the parking lot, and the bad guy pulls the gun on him and is like,

[34:42] Give me the phone! Blah, blah, blah, you're a real father! Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[34:46] Yeah, he pulls out a comically oversized revolver.

[34:48] And then Taylor Lautner's dad, played by Dermot Mulrooney, who we never see fully.

[34:55] We never see him from the bottom of the nose up.

[34:57] It's like Val Kilmer in True Romance, man.

[34:59] He just brings charisma without seeing the whole face.

[35:03] Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

[35:04] He pulls out a sniper rifle and shoots the guy.

[35:07] just shoots him

[35:08] through the heart

[35:08] climax complete

[35:10] it's one of those things

[35:10] where it's like

[35:11] I think it was either

[35:12] Dan or Stuart who said

[35:13] wait that was an option

[35:14] which just shooting him

[35:16] was an option

[35:16] why didn't he just shoot him

[35:17] at the beginning

[35:18] yeah why didn't anybody

[35:19] just shoot him

[35:20] it doesn't

[35:21] so

[35:21] where were all his goons

[35:22] at this point

[35:23] did they leave

[35:23] did he have to give away

[35:25] his child

[35:25] couldn't he just shoot the guy

[35:27] so he didn't have to

[35:27] give away his child

[35:28] I think it was

[35:28] he didn't want to pay overtime

[35:29] maybe they were

[35:30] maybe they were enjoying

[35:31] the various retail options

[35:33] of downtown Pittsburgh

[35:33] he didn't want to take him

[35:34] to the Pirates game

[35:35] I'm not paying for you guys

[35:37] to go to a baseball game.

[35:38] You just take the day off.

[35:39] Yeah, so they're going around

[35:41] pitching spaghetti with peanuts

[35:43] or whatever it is.

[35:43] At the end of the movie,

[35:45] Taylor Lautner talks to

[35:47] Dermot Maroney on the phone,

[35:48] and it's just like,

[35:49] the dad's like,

[35:50] I can't come see you.

[35:53] I wish I could come see you.

[35:53] Because something.

[35:55] And Taylor's like,

[35:56] I want to see you, Dad.

[35:57] And he's like,

[35:57] I want to see you too,

[35:58] but I can't.

[35:59] Goodbye, for some reason.

[36:02] Case closed.

[36:03] For something that the screen...

[36:05] Kid closed.

[36:05] You might as well have said, the dialogue might as well have gone like this.

[36:10] Dad, I want to see you.

[36:11] I can't, son, because put in a reason here.

[36:14] We'll figure it out before the final shooting script.

[36:16] Okay?

[36:17] Note to self.

[36:18] There's just nothing there.

[36:20] Like the screenwriter forgot to put something in.

[36:22] And then at the end of the movie, Sigourney Weaver shows up and said,

[36:25] Oh, by the way, your dad and I worked out that maybe you want to come and live with me.

[36:29] I'm your new mom now.

[36:31] Because every teenage boy wants to live with his therapist.

[36:34] I mean, if his therapist killed an alien on a spaceship, then yeah.

[36:38] Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

[36:39] That's true, he doesn't.

[36:40] That's all backstory that we don't know yet, sure.

[36:42] I want to believe that Ripley and the therapist are the same character.

[36:44] Okay.

[36:45] But yeah, and he goes, well, I'm going to just hang out with my girl, and she's like, oh, oh, okay, cool, that's cool.

[36:53] I'll just hang out here in the parking lot.

[36:55] She goes from balloon-hating super spy to lame parent in half a second.

[37:01] It's almost nothing, zero to 60.

[37:03] they just go

[37:04] and Taylor Lautner and his new girlfriend

[37:08] sit in a totally empty stadium

[37:10] staring out into the distance

[37:11] and they're like

[37:13] you gotta admit it was a hell of a first date

[37:16] and that's

[37:17] cue electric guitar

[37:19] we start giving each other high fives

[37:21] cause we're loving it man we're all about it

[37:23] abduction

[37:24] abduction

[37:26] abduction

[37:29] so

[37:33] Man, he dropped the beat on that one.

[37:37] We should actually wrap this up pretty soon.

[37:40] But before we do it, can anyone here, can anyone at this table explain to me why any of this makes sense?

[37:50] Why any of the plot of this...

[37:51] Did you see his abs?

[37:52] Apparently, the Serbian criminal thought that the best way to find this kid was to...

[38:03] Post him on a missing kid's website with the hopes that he will stumble upon it.

[38:10] That he might someday stumble on it and get in touch with them.

[38:12] And as soon as he does, the message is picked up in an apartment in Brighton Beach.

[38:19] So like, yeah, he's just got a guy working full time monitoring this website.

[38:22] Just hopefully.

[38:24] And then like minutes later, people show up at the house to shoot his parents.

[38:28] But it's also like there's this list of agents who have given me information.

[38:32] And I guess he doesn't want that list to fall into the hands of the CIA or something.

[38:37] I guess he doesn't want to fall into the hands of the people who, like Alfred Molina, who are bad.

[38:43] But if he has the list of the people who are bad, can't he just go over his head like he does at the end of the movie and be like, oh, by the way, you have all these bad agents.

[38:49] Oh, yeah, Alfred Molina gets arrested at the end, too.

[38:51] Yeah.

[38:51] But it's also like, yeah, if this was a real threat to his operation, then you think the guy would have just given it to him?

[38:58] his superiors at any point in the past 15 years.

[39:01] Taylor Lautner's character is supposed to have been

[39:03] in hiding with his fake parents for 15 years.

[39:05] Yeah, meanwhile, Dermot Roruni is just like,

[39:07] well, I guess there's nothing I can do

[39:09] other than go into exile

[39:11] and hope my kid doesn't get killed.

[39:14] But he was always nearby watching,

[39:16] watching his son develop.

[39:18] And grow.

[39:18] Yeah.

[39:19] Shitty dad, though.

[39:21] I mean, he's terrible.

[39:23] He's a terrible dad.

[39:24] It's basically like,

[39:25] this kid's really cramping my style.

[39:27] Yeah, I don't really understand

[39:28] the reasoning behind

[39:30] why the villain

[39:32] Nikolai Kozlov

[39:33] why he would put so much

[39:34] why he would put so much effort

[39:36] into catching that kid

[39:38] instead of catching that list

[39:39] because like

[39:40] I don't know

[39:41] why does he expose himself

[39:43] to that much danger

[39:44] over this shit?

[39:44] Yeah well why is he doing it

[39:45] personally?

[39:46] Why doesn't he just go after

[39:47] the dad?

[39:48] It's not like if they find

[39:49] the phone they're like

[39:49] oh he's a bad guy

[39:51] we gotta arrest him

[39:52] like they know he's a bad guy.

[39:53] It's not like

[39:54] at least Alfred Molina

[39:55] it makes sense that he

[39:56] really wants to find this list.

[39:57] Because he's gonna get in trouble

[39:58] Because, yeah, he will lose everything.

[40:00] Whereas the other guy's like, well, I just really want to kill this kid because he's a dick.

[40:04] Catch this kid, then maybe kill him.

[40:06] It's PG-13 probably, I think.

[40:09] So it's just catching.

[40:10] Oh, I don't know.

[40:11] They say fuck a couple times.

[40:12] Yeah, at least once.

[40:14] But it's a movie that...

[40:15] Did they bleep it?

[40:15] No, they didn't bleep it.

[40:17] It's a movie.

[40:17] Do they do a record scratch every time somebody said the F word?

[40:22] Yes.

[40:22] I will say this is one of the most generic movies I think we've ever watched on the Flophouse.

[40:26] It had some of the best stock dialogue.

[40:28] Oh, man, I don't want to go to class.

[40:31] I hate homework.

[40:32] I'm trying to think of something.

[40:36] Oh, and the parents are like, you're grounded, mister.

[40:39] Did you forget you're grounded?

[40:41] You're going to have to do the dishes.

[40:43] Or when the two teenage boys are like, you're not into enough underground stuff.

[40:48] You're too mainstream.

[40:49] You guys are too mainstream.

[40:50] I need to give you some underground stuff.

[40:52] You couldn't even fill in the names of fake bands or something like that?

[40:55] I want to date the movie, Elliot.

[40:57] Except there's a part where Taylor Lautner and the girlfriend are looking at pictures on the website,

[41:02] and they're like, that looks like Ryan Seacrest crossed with Gerard Butler.

[41:06] We were cracking up.

[41:08] It was hilarious.

[41:09] Justin Bieber crossed with Lady Gaga, and it's like, these are the most topical names you could come up with.

[41:14] Gerard Depardieu crossed with Rene Aubergine, or whatever.

[41:19] Rene Aubergine.

[41:24] I mean, number one, great pronunciation.

[41:26] Number two, what a crazy-looking person that would be.

[41:29] Yeah, very French.

[41:30] Very French.

[41:32] But there's a part at the end where I'll tell you how this was a movie that was ludicrous in its genericness.

[41:39] It was like you just inserted some people into a movie machine, and then it spit out, you know, you picked movie type A and not movie type B.

[41:50] So there's a part at the end where they're at the pirate stadium, and there are all these statues of past baseball players.

[41:55] And there was part of me that really hoped that the movie was just going to go off the rails, and Taylor Lautner would cast a magic spell that brought the statues to life to fight the bad guys.

[42:05] And it's like the movie would have instantly gone from most generic movie to most amazingly idiosyncratic movie.

[42:12] Yeah.

[42:12] But it didn't happen.

[42:13] And so the only abduction was, what, the teenage girl who got abducted by the werewolf?

[42:18] What?

[42:20] no when he

[42:21] that he was abducted

[42:22] as a kid

[42:22] he thought

[42:23] he thought

[42:24] there actually was

[42:25] no abduction

[42:25] so why is it called

[42:26] abduction

[42:27] uh

[42:28] cause it's an okay title

[42:29] and it has ab

[42:30] so it reminds people

[42:31] why they want to see

[42:32] a Taylor Lautner movie

[42:32] so uh

[42:33] do you need to do something

[42:34] yeah let's move on

[42:35] I mean uh

[42:36] we've barely cracked

[42:37] the surface

[42:38] of the intricacies

[42:39] do we want to talk

[42:39] about the uh

[42:40] the movie

[42:41] like the movie

[42:42] machine of Pittsburgh

[42:44] or

[42:45] it's not

[42:46] John Singleton

[42:47] and how much he weighs

[42:48] no

[42:48] I'm not gonna do that

[42:50] Let's just talk about final judgments,

[42:52] whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[42:54] or a movie we kind of liked.

[42:55] Stuart, what do you say?

[42:56] This is, I would say it's probably in between a good, bad movie

[43:00] and a bad, bad movie because there's enough stupid stuff that I enjoy it,

[43:03] but I don't know.

[43:05] It was still pretty slow.

[43:06] I'd call it a good, bad movie.

[43:08] It was fun to watch and silly and stupid, but it is boring also.

[43:12] It takes a long time to get started.

[43:14] Yeah, I would like to call it a good, bad movie because it is absurd,

[43:17] But I would have to go with Bad Bad just because of the reason that you say, which is how generic it is.

[43:23] Now, that's kind of fun.

[43:24] Like, it is kind of funny to see it as, like, an experiment in can we make the most generic movie that has ever been made.

[43:31] And also, how much of the dialogue can the audience guess beforehand?

[43:34] Yeah, I mean, it happened at least three times while we were watching this movie.

[43:38] Yeah, which is usually we do when we're watching these movies around once or twice maybe.

[43:41] We know exactly what the next line is.

[43:44] Yeah, three times.

[43:44] They said it couldn't be done.

[43:47] The ancients foretold.

[43:48] So we're divided.

[43:51] Yeah, divided we fall.

[43:53] We should move on, though.

[43:54] And quickly, before we get into mail,

[43:56] I just want to plug a few things on behalf of All Things Comedy.

[44:00] High five.

[44:02] High fiving.

[44:03] Our parent, not parent company.

[44:08] It's a cooperative.

[44:09] It's a socialistic podcasting cooperative.

[44:13] I'd like to plug Harlan Williams.

[44:17] is the voice of Monster Krumholz

[44:20] on a new animated series called Robot and Monster on Nickelodeon.

[44:25] Those are two things I like in one show.

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:27] So check out Robot and Monster.

[44:30] It sounds like a delightful program.

[44:31] Those are two things I like, Robots and Monsters.

[44:34] Yeah, and Krumholz.

[44:35] You love Krumholzes.

[44:36] Also, Tom Rhodes' one-hour stand-up special,

[44:39] Light, Sweet, Crude,

[44:41] is available on Netflix as of last week.

[44:45] And Stuart, you were saying that you were listening

[44:47] to some all things comedy podcast yeah i wanted to plug one of our sister podcasts

[44:53] on all things comedy a new addition to the network the dork forest uh which is the

[45:00] uh podcast of i'm gonna pronounce this totally wrong by the way jackie cashian

[45:06] jackie cation cation my mistake a uh obviously an accomplished uh comedian that i don't know

[45:12] anything about but her podcast is great and she talks about uh you know what people are enthusiastic

[45:18] and nerdy about which sounds like a shift at my bar hey yeah come on uh but now we should move on

[45:25] to uh letters the flop house movie mailbag hey there's only one there's only 26 of them but

[45:32] they're all great letters um i'm working on that one nope just came up with it now this is this is

[45:41] from Steve, last name withheld.

[45:43] It's titled, Fictional Flops.

[45:45] Uh-oh.

[45:46] Like Hudson Hawk 2?

[45:48] If you could review...

[45:50] If you could review

[45:53] any fictional movie that would,

[45:55] in the universe of its creation, be a flop,

[45:57] which one would it be?

[45:59] The Simpsons epic, A Star is Burns?

[46:01] Seinfeld's family-friendly

[46:03] Sack Lunch?

[46:04] 30 Rock's lowbrow classic?

[46:07] The poster is just

[46:09] the family in the lunch bag.

[46:11] How did they get in there?

[46:12] Are they tiny, or is it a giant bag?

[46:14] That's the movie they really want to see.

[46:16] 30 Rock's lowbrow classic, Honky Grandma Be Trippin',

[46:20] or something from a classic movie about movies like Singing in the Rain's

[46:23] The Dueling Cavalier, prior to Don Lockwood's changes.

[46:27] You guys could probably think of some better ones.

[46:29] Have at her.

[46:30] Thanks for the laughs.

[46:30] Steve, last name withheld.

[46:32] Well, I can't think of a lot, because I just got put on the spot by Dan.

[46:36] Yeah, this is the thing.

[46:37] I'm tipping them.

[46:37] I can answer this one first, if you guys want to think.

[46:41] I would want to see 30 Rock's Who Dat Ninja, but I think the movie I would like to see, which I'm sure would be a financial flop, maybe not a critical flop, would be the Orson Welles' Heart of Darkness that he was going to make that would never get made but is mentioned in the book of the Yiddish Policeman's Union.

[47:01] For some reason in the alternate universe that Michael Chabon has set up where Alaska has a Jewish colony on it, one of the characters mentions that Heart of Darkness is his favorite movie or that he went to see it.

[47:11] And I always thought it was weird that in this alternate universe, there are two differences.

[47:14] One, there's a Jewish colony in Alaska.

[47:16] And two, Orson Welles got this movie made that in real life he never actually made, even though it was in the planning stages.

[47:21] So that's the one I'd like to see in review.

[47:23] Stuart?

[47:24] Oh, man, I still can't think.

[47:25] Like, there's so many, and yet I, uh, this is never good.

[47:29] What about, like, the Itchy and Scratchy movie?

[47:30] I mean, obviously that would be great.

[47:32] I would love to review that.

[47:33] But it would probably be a good, good movie, so it wouldn't fall within the purview of our podcast.

[47:37] No, it would be, within the Simpsons episode, it was both a huge hit and the best movie ever made.

[47:41] I don't know if this counts because it seemed to be a successful film in the world of this movie.

[47:47] But it looked terrible.

[47:49] And it starred a character or an actor from our movie tonight, Mr. Dermot Mulroney.

[47:56] And burn after reading the film Coming Up Daisy.

[48:00] It looks pretty terrible.

[48:02] And I love how all they show is Dermot Mulroney yelling at Daisy in the tree.

[48:10] trying to get her to come down from the tree.

[48:12] And that looks like a pretty great bad romantic comedy.

[48:16] I mean, I guess another obvious one would be,

[48:20] what is it, Home for Thanksgiving from...

[48:23] Oh, from A Fear of Consideration?

[48:24] Yeah.

[48:24] Oh, no, that wasn't it.

[48:26] Home for Purim.

[48:27] Which one do you think it is?

[48:28] I think the original, the final title was Home for Thanksgiving

[48:32] after it got dumbed down and made more palatable.

[48:36] See, what else could we see?

[48:37] The porno movie from Hardcore that George C. Scott can't watch

[48:40] because his daughter's in it, or...

[48:42] I don't know, he seems pretty adamant

[48:46] that you should make it stop.

[48:47] He does want them to turn it off.

[48:49] Let's see, but there's so many others.

[48:53] There's Coop on the Movie from Mr. Show.

[48:54] That's pretty good.

[48:56] Oh, man.

[48:59] Any of Troy McClure's movies.

[49:01] Yeah.

[49:02] Like Preacher with a Shovel.

[49:03] Yeah, what's the Amish one?

[49:06] Dial M for Murderousness.

[49:10] And that medieval Muppets one, Muppets Go Medieval.

[49:12] Sure.

[49:13] As in another Tremor Clover.

[49:15] This letter is titled,

[49:18] Pervozoid Update.

[49:20] Oh, okay.

[49:21] So this is your stalker?

[49:23] From Steve and Last Name Withheld.

[49:25] Wasn't the last one from Steve and Last Name Withheld?

[49:27] That was from Steve, Last Name Withheld.

[49:29] I'm assuming that these are two different,

[49:31] like one of them was the V, this is a PH.

[49:33] Oh, master of disguise.

[49:35] Who can see through that one?

[49:37] Real cloak and dagger expert.

[49:39] There's a prelude to this email

[49:42] In ellipses

[49:44] He writes in all caps

[49:45] Nightmare mailbag

[49:47] Dear Donut Dan the militia man

[49:50] I wrote in as someone

[49:52] Fairly new to the show wondering why you

[49:54] Were referred to as pervozoid number one

[49:56] Now it's clear

[49:57] Yeah the truth will out

[50:00] After listening to the smuckers

[50:02] Bunch episode wherein you under no provocation

[50:04] Began talking about masturbating

[50:06] To heavy metal magazine in the aisles of a 7-11

[50:09] There's no doubt you're indeed pervasoid number one.

[50:11] I don't remember that happening.

[50:12] I think that's made up.

[50:13] We know it happened.

[50:14] Elliot's description of how you achieved that nomenclature was very apt.

[50:17] You were extremely creepy.

[50:19] And now when I listen to episodes, there's always a sinister undercurrent to anything you say.

[50:23] I never know when you might decide to discuss what the best fruit in which to stick your penis is

[50:28] or which of the Golden Girls you think is the hottest.

[50:31] Of course, Rue McClanahan.

[50:33] With the exception of Rue McClanahan.

[50:35] Oh, come on.

[50:36] Oh, okay.

[50:37] You should probably.

[50:38] It's like saying, which one of the original X-Men would you like to have sex with?

[50:41] Not Jean Grey.

[50:42] Beast, Iceman, Angel, or Cyclops?

[50:45] Iceman.

[50:46] You should probably.

[50:48] Because of his shockingly cold orifice, clearly.

[50:51] That would be unpleasant.

[50:53] I thought that was the obvious answer, guys.

[50:55] No, you'd want to go with Beast after he got the blue fur, because then you could take

[50:59] a nap on him afterwards.

[51:00] I don't know, maybe Angel.

[51:02] He seems sort of ladylike.

[51:03] Actually, he's delicate.

[51:04] Not Cyclops, though, because he's so boring you'd fall asleep.

[51:08] You should probably not read this on air, because I fear your reputation may be tarnished

[51:13] even further if people are reminded of this.

[51:14] Impossible.

[51:15] By the way, inform Stuart that I also adore him, and I am not his nemesis, Al Madrigal.

[51:21] The best floppies are always the one with the original peaches.

[51:24] F-L-O-P in the USA, says Stephen.

[51:27] Thanks for mentioning me, Stephen.

[51:29] He's riding it out in the middle, Grant.

[51:32] Look, he's scared of me, and he adores Stuart.

[51:35] I think you got off easy.

[51:36] Yeah, that's true.

[51:37] Of the three of us, I think Dan is the most likely to kill somebody.

[51:41] What?

[51:41] It is creepy.

[51:42] And I'm the most likely to have sex with Iceman from the original X-Men.

[51:45] Yep.

[51:47] Now that you got me thinking about it.

[51:49] So, thanks for the letter.

[51:52] Thanks, Steven and Steve.

[51:54] The message is from...

[51:55] It's an email.

[51:56] Jerry T. Robot.

[51:59] I think you're making this up as we go, Dan.

[52:01] Jerry T. Robot writes...

[52:02] The T stands for the.

[52:03] Dear Flophouse,

[52:06] I started listening to your podcast sometime last year

[52:08] and quickly went through your whole back catalog.

[52:10] I wait with bated breath every other week

[52:13] for the next installment of what I can honestly call

[52:15] my favorite podcast ever.

[52:16] Well, thanks, Mr. Robot.

[52:17] But something has been troubling me.

[52:19] Oh, no.

[52:19] And I wait with breath even more bated for something else,

[52:23] the arrival of a fourth member

[52:25] that will bring balance to the podcast.

[52:26] It just seems that while Dan leads,

[52:29] Elliot is quick to point out facts, Jack,

[52:32] and Stuart is clearly a party dude,

[52:35] Your podcast lacks a certain, oh, I don't know, let's call it a cool crudeness.

[52:39] A thorny fourth member might be able to add this element to the show.

[52:43] This is, of course, assuming that Dan's wife doesn't already play this role.

[52:47] She's usually just standing right behind Dan with a rolling pin in her hands and curlers in her hair.

[52:52] But she always has a sigh stuffed into the belt of her pants.

[52:58] And she wears a red bandana, yeah.

[53:00] Here to fore, I have assumed her purpose was to teach you guys to be ninja teens.

[53:05] So please correct me if I'm wrong.

[53:06] Yeah, she's Splinter.

[53:07] That's right, not Raphael.

[53:08] Or does the house cat provide that kind of balance?

[53:10] I'm just kind of worried that if Five Head,

[53:12] the contest ruiner, or Seven Pounds show up,

[53:14] you might be out in match.

[53:16] All the best, Jerry T. Robot.

[53:17] Thanks for worrying about us, Jerry.

[53:20] Actually, the reason there are three of us

[53:23] is because we're in a balance.

[53:24] John Constantine actually sold each of us his soul,

[53:27] and now he can't die,

[53:29] or else there will be civil war

[53:30] among the Flophouse overlords.

[53:31] Yeah, we all have part of it,

[53:33] or do we all have full ownership,

[53:34] but we can never claim it.

[53:35] We can never.

[53:36] We all want full ownership

[53:37] because that is a sweet soul.

[53:38] I like that story.

[53:40] I always thought...

[53:41] It's a great story.

[53:41] It's the best Hellblazer story.

[53:43] I thought the house cat

[53:44] was the cool crudeness.

[53:45] He's the one

[53:46] who just isn't around.

[53:47] I thought it was cool.

[53:48] It should be cool rudeness.

[53:49] Cool but rude.

[53:49] I don't want to correct

[53:51] Jerry the Robot,

[53:51] but Raphael's cool but rude,

[53:54] not crude.

[53:55] Come on.

[53:55] He has the taste

[53:57] and refinement of a gentleman.

[53:58] This message...

[54:03] We are heroes on a half shell, though, so you got that right.

[54:05] But the turtles aren't on a half shell.

[54:08] I mean, they have a full shell.

[54:10] They're not like oysters that have been ripped open.

[54:12] I would hope not.

[54:13] That would be terrible.

[54:14] There's a top and a bottom to the shells.

[54:17] Like Krang is about to eat them in some kind of crazy luncheon.

[54:19] Krang's crazy luncheon.

[54:23] Stop on by.

[54:23] Kids eat free.

[54:25] Bebop, you're way down.

[54:27] You don't have a rock steady.

[54:29] Our prices are rock steady.

[54:31] I don't want a truck.

[54:33] You got five at table three.

[54:35] I don't want to correct the writer of the lyrics to the Ninja Turtles theme.

[54:42] Who did fine work.

[54:43] It's incorrect to refer to them as heroes in the half shell.

[54:46] That's all I'm saying.

[54:47] But turtle power.

[54:49] I'm sure he's living in his palatial manor right now.

[54:53] Just listening to that song on Everlasting Loop.

[54:57] Yeah, Ninja House it's called.

[54:58] The house that ninjas built.

[55:00] It's a shoddy house.

[55:03] A lot of secret passageways.

[55:04] You never know who's creeping around there.

[55:05] This message is from Jeff, last name withheld.

[55:10] It's called Harrison Ford Tells It As It Is.

[55:13] He's already working around the clock.

[55:15] Greetings, floppers.

[55:17] I was looking for podcasts and people on somethingawful.com

[55:21] pointing me to the Flophouse.

[55:22] And over the past few weeks,

[55:24] I've been making every attempt to listen to every episode,

[55:26] even though this is making me neglect

[55:29] the amazing adventures of Cavalier and Clay.

[55:30] This is the most Michael Schiavone.

[55:32] It is, and I don't even like Michael Chabon that much.

[55:35] Really?

[55:35] He's all right.

[55:36] He is, you know, I'm a Lethem.

[55:38] You're putting your foot down.

[55:39] Let's keep going.

[55:40] He's up and down.

[55:41] He's up and down, but I find him...

[55:43] Cavalier and Clay and Wonder Boys are great.

[55:45] I think Cavalier and Clay is a fine middle-brow novel.

[55:48] Deserving of the Pulitzer a somewhat middle-brow literary prize.

[55:51] There, I said it.

[55:52] All right, I really like Cavalier and Clay and Wonder Boys.

[55:55] The other ones, eh...

[55:57] I'll always take Fortress of Solitude over any of Chabon's books.

[55:59] He goes on to say, however,

[56:02] I was just listening to the Cowboys Ampersand Aliens podcast,

[56:05] and none of you mentioned the best line of the film.

[56:08] When Olivia Wilde is explaining that the aliens want gold,

[56:11] I figured these aliens are big Ron Paul fans.

[56:14] Oh, yeah, gold's never been worth zero.

[56:15] Forward goes.

[56:16] Well, that's just ridiculous.

[56:18] What are they going to do, buy something?

[56:20] Which summed up the entire movie for me.

[56:22] It's like the writer said, that's stupid, they want gold.

[56:26] And someone else said, I'll just cop to it being dumb

[56:29] so we don't have to make up something better.

[56:31] Hanging a lantern only works when the joke was good to begin with.

[56:33] Keep up the good work and keep making obscure Marvel references.

[56:37] This is a great email.

[56:38] I do have to take issue.

[56:42] Hanging a lantern, this is a writer's term, which as I understand it.

[56:47] I only have ever heard it before.

[56:48] It means that you point out something is stupid so that the audience thinks that like, oh, that can't be stupid.

[56:55] They pointed out that it's stupid.

[56:57] So you're actually wrong in saying that it only works if the joke was good to begin with.

[57:01] Oh, I see.

[57:02] But I think this is what they're doing because it's like...

[57:05] Oh, that's totally what they're doing.

[57:05] Well, yeah, them buying...

[57:06] So thank you for your letter so Dan could prove his...

[57:09] His bona fides as a writer.

[57:11] We get it.

[57:12] You're a professional writer.

[57:12] No, no.

[57:13] I mean, you deserve it, dude.

[57:14] But they are doing it for that.

[57:15] They're saying, yeah, it would be stupid if they had to buy something.

[57:18] So they must have a better reason for taking gold.

[57:20] They could have put a scene where the alien's going to buy something with the gold.

[57:23] I would have loved that.

[57:24] Two aliens in a trench coat, one on top of the other's shoulders.

[57:27] But they're really tall anyway, so I don't know why they're doing that.

[57:29] It's like, we'd like to buy some things with this gold.

[57:34] I'll try to make some more obscure Marvel references.

[57:38] You got it.

[57:39] This email is titled...

[57:42] I guess I'll see you all on Counter-Earth.

[57:44] This email is titled...

[57:46] Just keep going.

[57:47] Mount Wondegore is for Marvel references.

[57:50] This email is titled, One Last Letter.

[57:52] And it's from First Name Withheld Phelan.

[57:56] Dear Flophouse co-creators,

[57:58] this is the part of the podcast where you recommend a movie,

[58:01] perhaps that you've seen recently, perhaps not,

[58:03] that you actually liked in contrast to the nonsense

[58:06] that you review on this podcast.

[58:07] So, Stuart, is there a movie you'd like to recommend to the listeners?

[58:10] Wait, someone wrote in to prompt us to this segment?

[58:15] Yeah.

[58:15] Is that a sign?

[58:16] Are we taking too long with the letters?

[58:17] Is that what you're saying?

[58:18] Yeah, okay.

[58:20] I mean, I've watched a couple movies in my days, guys.

[58:23] I'm going to...

[58:26] You have watched only a couple movies.

[58:27] Head of the Family, Castle Freak, and Invisible Maniac.

[58:30] You guys know me, right?

[58:32] As much as any man can know Stuart Wellington.

[58:36] If there's one thing you guys know about me, it's that I love sports.

[58:41] Yeah, if the sport is Blood Bowl, then yes.

[58:46] So I would like to recommend a sports movie called Warrior,

[58:53] Where two MMA fighters totally beat each other up a bunch of times.

[58:57] Starring Joel Edgerton and Tom Hardy.

[59:00] And Nick Nolte is a drunk old dad.

[59:02] He was nominated for an Academy Award for it.

[59:04] And he was good in it.

[59:05] So, run, don't walk to your Netflix queue.

[59:07] But Warrior in there.

[59:10] I think it's on your computer.

[59:11] I think on your Xbox.

[59:12] I don't remember which.

[59:13] It's not like a physical space you need to move to.

[59:16] And you pop some corn and watch it.

[59:18] And it's good.

[59:19] I like how Stuart's explaining how you watch a movie.

[59:22] Just let the images go in through your eyes

[59:24] and the sound through your ears

[59:25] because it's a talkie.

[59:26] Put your arm around your best girl.

[59:28] Let the story affect your emotions.

[59:30] Maybe your pet.

[59:31] Who cares?

[59:32] Enjoy Warrior.

[59:33] Cuddle up with someone you love.

[59:35] For Warrior.

[59:35] Thanks, Warrior,

[59:37] for making us laugh at love again.

[59:39] We'll have you on the edge of the seat.

[59:41] Rooting for your favorite fighter.

[59:44] I may have...

[59:48] Ghosty Warrior for the first time all over again.

[59:49] Recommended this film before I came.

[59:52] remember it's been so long guys it's been so long yeah it's been a long time getting there to here

[59:57] it's been a long time but our time is finally near thank you we're here time is finally so you

[1:00:02] were on a plane recently no no i uh it's a place where you watch movies i actually mentioned this

[1:00:08] movie earlier on the podcast i feel like burn after reading has been a forgotten coen brothers

[1:00:13] movie like a lot of people love the coen brothers i feel like that was a movie that was uh unjustly

[1:00:19] sometimes unjustly like looked on as a lesser film i think it's a very funny movie yeah i think so

[1:00:25] too i i enjoyed it a lot more than i enjoyed like no country for old men to be honest it's more

[1:00:29] coheny than no country for old men i think that people maybe didn't like it so much because it's

[1:00:35] kind of a cold movie like it's a cruel movie it's a movie where the main joke is that no like

[1:00:41] everyone's selfish in it and no one understands what's happening and the point of it is that

[1:00:46] uh national security can be affected by a bunch of idiots and no one at the end will understand

[1:00:51] whatever happened yeah and it's they're all pathetic and life is a joke and your jokes on you

[1:00:56] losers yeah so if that sounds upsetting brothers pointing out of the screen at you and laughing at

[1:01:02] you so i guess i can understand why maybe it wasn't a bigger hit but i still think it's a very

[1:01:08] good movie so i'm gonna recommend burn after reading i'm gonna recommend i think very quickly

[1:01:15] two movies one is a movie called great world of sound that was loaned to me about two years ago

[1:01:20] and i finally watched it by i love bad movies co-publisher matt carman uh and it's about a guy

[1:01:25] and it's about two guys who get jobs as kind of sketchy record producers for a company that's

[1:01:32] basically scamming musicians they don't seem to totally realize it or at least don't want to admit

[1:01:36] it to themselves that they're scamming people and how they come to terms with realizing that

[1:01:40] and realizing what they're working for.

[1:01:41] And it's directed by the same guy who did Compliance recently.

[1:01:46] And I also want to recommend, last night I went to a screening of Lincoln,

[1:01:50] the new Steven Spielberg film about a little-known president named Abraham Lincoln.

[1:01:55] Is it a vampire movie?

[1:01:57] It is not a vampire movie.

[1:01:58] There's nothing about vampires in it.

[1:01:59] And while I came into Lincoln, listeners may know I'm a big Abraham Lincoln buff.

[1:02:04] I consider him the greatest man in human history.

[1:02:07] You are Abraham Lincoln buff.

[1:02:10] yeah like really tall and spindly and like uh but uh that sexy wart so i was ready to i was ready

[1:02:19] to find it incredibly disappointing i thought it was a very good movie not the kind of breathtaking

[1:02:25] movie i wanted it to be it isn't the final word on abraham lincoln cinematically someone someday

[1:02:30] will make the great movie on abraham lincoln you don't think that's young abe lincoln no i don't

[1:02:34] even like young abe lincoln that much if anything i say abe lincoln young einstein wait which one's

[1:02:39] the ford movie that's yeah that's young okay no abe lincoln illinois is the one with raymond

[1:02:44] massey that i think is a better movie uh and this i think lincoln is the best movie since

[1:02:50] abe lincoln illinois which is you know 60 some odd year movie year old movie it doesn't take

[1:02:54] 60 some years to watch it but i think it's a well-made movie it falls apart at times i will

[1:03:00] give you two caveats one is it has a john williams score in it okay and john williams has somehow

[1:03:05] gone from being one of the best movie scorers to being the worst movie scorist it is the blandest

[1:03:11] worst heavy-handed movie score i've heard in a long time and i wish steven spielberg just not

[1:03:16] used it and two i actually found the parade of celebrities in roles a little distracting at

[1:03:21] times but other than that people do a great job uh and daniel day lewis sure tries his hardest

[1:03:27] um and it comes out to be a very good movie that gets across in a lot of ways probably what it was

[1:03:33] like to be around lincoln at the time all right so three great recommendations actually four yeah

[1:03:40] so take that stewart yep i don't understand what it's like i'll take it to my grave one of those

[1:03:46] was stewart's 25 of those recommendations were supplied by stewart uh so guys uh i hope you can

[1:03:53] forgive us for taking uh one week young mr lincoln is the name of that movie not young abel

[1:03:57] For the election and such

[1:04:00] Next time we're recording is what, January?

[1:04:03] No, no

[1:04:04] I think that our schedule will keep us

[1:04:07] From actually taking a gap

[1:04:10] Over Christmas and New Year's

[1:04:11] So we got a little turkey day

[1:04:13] Then we're going to be here talking about shitty movies again

[1:04:16] Then we got our live show coming up

[1:04:19] Yep, December 15th

[1:04:20] Which I think is sold out again

[1:04:21] Yeah?

[1:04:22] Yeah, because a cousin of mine

[1:04:24] Bought tickets and then when her sister

[1:04:26] my another cousin of mine tried to buy tickets it was sold out hotcakes so i guess in case you

[1:04:33] can keep monitoring that website and see if if the tickets open up but there'll probably be

[1:04:37] scalpers out front oh yeah but you're gonna end up paying you know four digits for those tickets

[1:04:42] you know uh well but you know if you if you really uh if you really care you could show up and take

[1:04:49] your chances wow i guess but i think the real into it the real lesson is the next time we do a

[1:04:55] screening snap them up folks yeah do not hesitate walk no wait run don't walk to your computer

[1:05:02] and go to the 92 white rebecca website and buy those tickets next time no not play at netflix

[1:05:08] then go off of netflix to the 90 white side go to the castle freak section

[1:05:14] all right there's a whole section for the flop house i've been dan mccall click on unrated

[1:05:20] Director's Edition. That's been Stuart

[1:05:22] Wellington. Click on turn off, ding dong,

[1:05:24] rip off, safe search. And that's been Elliot

[1:05:26] Kalin. Good night, everyone.

[1:05:28] You still owe me a dollar.

[1:05:30] Done fiddling with my knob, Dan?

[1:05:44] You still got it.

[1:05:46] Hey-o! He was just

[1:05:48] adjusting the microphone,

[1:05:50] but I turned it into an Austin Powers

[1:05:52] style innuendo.

[1:05:53] Yep. You sure did.

[1:05:56] Yep. Turned into Hank Hill

[1:05:58] all of a sudden, man.

[1:05:59] Set him up and knock him down. Yep. You sure did.

[1:06:02] That joke ain't right.

[1:06:04] So, um... Bobby?

[1:06:06] Yep.

[1:06:07] Hank Hill. Whoa!

[1:06:09] That's all the catchphrases he has.

[1:06:12] Do Luan.

[1:06:13] I can't do Luan.

[1:06:16] Do, uh, that guy

[1:06:18] does the mumbly mouth

[1:06:19] boom hour

[1:06:20] well

[1:06:21] stay on

[1:06:21] dang on

[1:06:22] oh man it's dead on

[1:06:23] yep there you go

The Flop House: Episode #114 - Abduction

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