The Flop House: Episode #114 - Abduction

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the first and last film that anyone will ever describe as a Taylor Lautner vehicle, Abduction.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:38] Hey Dan, I'm Stuart. Stuart Willington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] Hey Dan and Stuart, my name's Elliot. Elliot Kalin, PI.

Dan McCoy

[0:44] Someday Stuart's going to understand that he doesn't say hello in response to me saying, hey.

[0:52] He's just trying to be polite.

[0:54] I'm greeting the audience. I'm not greeting Stuart.

[0:56] You were staring right at me when you said that.

[0:58] Just the lady was trained.

[0:58] I know that you're going to introduce yourself next.

[1:01] Let's get right to the point.

[1:02] Okay.

[1:04] We talk about movies here, right?

[1:06] We do talk about movies. Traditionally bad movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09] This is the Flophouse podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:12] Wow, now you're acting as if you were the responsible one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] I think we should try that. We should do an episode one time where Stuart is the host and he is in control of everything.

Dan McCoy

[1:23] A lot has happened since we last were with the fans.

[1:28] Yeah, there was a hurricane.

[1:29] The leaves have turned from green to brown.

[1:31] A presidential election.

[1:33] Uh-huh.

[1:34] And your leaf thing happened all the time, Stuart.

[1:36] Yeah, the leaves changed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] Your cute little leaf thing.

[1:38] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:39] But there was mostly a hurricane in an election.

[1:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:41] And are we reviewing those tonight?

[1:43] Was it a good bad hurricane?

[1:45] A bad bad hurricane?

[1:46] And Disney bought Star Wars.

[1:47] Disney bought Star Wars.

[1:48] Yeah, and George Lucas has retired.

[1:50] Yeah.

[1:51] Mm-hmm.

[1:51] Tearing my hair out.

[1:52] So...

[1:53] He's going to donate his $4 billion to the George Lucas Foundation for George Lucas buying stuff?

[2:00] It's a tax write-off, right?

[2:01] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:03] No, I'm just acknowledging that it's been a while.

[2:05] Like, we took an extra week off.

[2:07] Heard now, yeah.

[2:08] For the election.

[2:09] Dan had a cool cap?

[2:10] I did.

[2:11] I walked in wearing a cool cap.

[2:13] I bought two new pairs of shoes.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] So, all right, people listening at home, imagine the shoes and the cap.

[2:19] I think we're getting off...

[2:20] I read a book about the history of ancient Egypt by Toby Wilkinson that I enjoyed.

[2:23] Toby Wilkinson, you said.

[2:25] Yeah, a British Egyptologist.

[2:26] I think we're getting into less interesting areas.

[2:28] So, it's been a lot of time since the last episode.

[2:31] A lot has happened.

[2:32] How have we changed?

Dan McCoy

[2:35] I'm tireder than usual.

[2:37] No, than usual, you say.

[2:39] Stuart is just as thin and handsome.

Stuart Wellington

[2:42] Oh, yeah.

[2:42] That's never going to change.

[2:44] Man, yeah.

[2:44] I bathe in the blood of virgin primates.

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] Yeah, you're just like a character out of an Uwe Boll movie.

[2:49] Sure.

[2:50] And I...

[2:51] As Elliot said, he has a beard right now.

[2:52] I have a beard to cover up the horrible scars of the incident that took place two weeks ago.

[2:57] Wow.

[2:58] We'll find out about the incident through dreams.

[3:00] Mm-hmm.

[3:01] Well, I was kissed by a fire wizard.

Stuart Wellington

[3:04] No way the hair would grow, then.

[3:06] That doesn't make sense.

[3:07] It's magic hair.

[3:08] Oh, God.

[3:09] It makes sense.

[3:09] It's actually thorn brambles.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] We watched a little movie tonight.

[3:14] A very little movie.

[3:15] A movie that has been much talked about.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] A movie with very little actual movie in it.

[3:20] Yeah.

[3:20] But yeah, it was much discussed, especially on the Flophouse Facebook page.

[3:23] It's been much demanded.

Dan McCoy

[3:25] We watched a film called Abduction.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] Emphasis on ab.

[3:29] Oh, man.

[3:30] We're going to give it the Flophouse treatment.

[3:33] The patented Flophouse treatment.

[3:35] Oh, boy.

[3:36] Patented.

[3:36] Watch out, Taylor Lautner, Alfred Molina, Sigourney Weaver, and other stars.

[3:40] You're about to get Flophoused.

Stuart Wellington

[3:41] You thought when you made Abduction, you made the best movie ever.

[3:44] You were wrong.

[3:45] Maybe not.

[3:45] We'll see.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] We'll find out when we get to the review segment, which is now.

[3:51] Abduction.

[3:52] I don't know.

[3:52] John Singleton directed it, so it's like a bad movie.

[3:56] I don't know about that.

Stuart Wellington

[3:59] He made Toys?

Dan McCoy

[4:03] Barry Levinson?

[4:04] Good, because I hate that movie.

[4:06] Okay.

[4:06] Another sometimes good director who made a terrible film.

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] I'm just amazed that John Singleton keeps pumping out the films despite weighing 2,000 pounds.

[4:15] A single ton, as his name suggests.

[4:18] That's why we got the name John Singleton.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:21] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[4:22] But he wants to make sure that people know that he's not comically fat.

[4:27] He's just a single ton.

[4:28] Oh, no.

[4:29] Tragically fat.

[4:30] But no, it's not more than one.

[4:34] Yeah.

[4:34] What's to make clear?

[4:34] He's still watching his weight.

[4:36] He's putting the silver lining on the pile.

Elliott Kalan

[4:37] He's working very hard to stay at the 2,000 pound level and neither gain nor lose any weight.

[4:42] So we're going to talk about that some more?

[4:45] Yeah.

[4:46] Okay.

[4:46] So what's the tonnage of John Singleton?

[4:48] Oh, just one.

[4:51] What's the average tonnage of a director of abduction?

[4:53] One, please.

[4:54] Okay, I'll take it.

[4:55] Five dollars.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] I mean, like, price per pound.

Elliott Kalan

[5:00] That is a good deal.

[5:01] Five dollars a ton is a great deal.

[5:02] But then what do you do with it all?

[5:04] Yeah.

[5:04] That's a thing.

[5:05] That's how they get it.

[5:06] It's a better deal to pay 25 bucks for the seven pounds because you'll eat that.

[5:10] But a whole ton of John Singleton?

[5:12] Seven pounds.

[5:13] It's going to go to waste.

[5:14] So abduction, huh?

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:16] We watched it.

[5:18] So you don't have to.

[5:19] Taylor Lautner starred in it.

[5:20] It starred Taylor Lautner.

[5:21] You may know as the werewolf.

[5:23] Noted werewolf.

[5:24] Edward, right?

[5:24] No, no.

[5:25] He's Jacob.

Dan McCoy

[5:26] Jamie.

[5:27] Jacob.

Elliott Kalan

[5:27] Spinks.

[5:28] Jason?

[5:29] He's the werewolf Spinks from the Twilight movies.

[5:32] He is team Jacobs?

[5:34] Yeah, Jacob.

[5:35] Jacob?

[5:35] There's just one of them?

[5:36] There's one Jacob.

[5:37] Okay.

[5:38] So his name is Taylor Single Jacob.

[5:40] So he plays Jacob, the werewolf, in the Twilight movies.

[5:42] And this movie, Abduction, seemed to be implying the whole time that he's about to wolf out.

[5:47] If you just want it bad enough.

[5:49] There's constantly teasing.

[5:51] And we'll get to the plot, I guess.

[5:52] But imagine that while we're describing the plot, at every moment, he is looking like a man who's about to turn into a werewolf.

[5:58] Like, they're just teasing you.

[6:00] Maybe he'll be a werewolf now.

[6:01] No.

[6:02] Okay.

[6:02] Maybe now he's a werewolf.

[6:03] No, no, no, no, no.

Stuart Wellington

[6:04] They're like, whoa, don't get that guy angry.

[6:05] He might, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[6:08] It's a little bit like watching the USA Up All Night version of a bikini movie.

[6:11] Yeah.

[6:12] Where they've chopped out all the topless slash werewolf scenes.

Dan McCoy

[6:15] But the scenes in front of and behind the werewolf scenes are still there.

[6:18] You might see a wet t-shirt.

[6:20] You might if you're lucky.

[6:22] But in here.

[6:23] You'll see a lot of thongs, but not a lot of werewolves.

[6:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:25] In here you might see.

[6:26] You don't see either of those things.

[6:27] Taylor Lautner.

[6:28] Thongs.

[6:29] Wet t-shirts.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] But in a USA Up All Night movie, they would always have a lot of werewolves.

[6:32] Oh, they always have werewolves.

[6:34] No, they don't have werewolves.

[6:36] Like in the company of wolves.

[6:37] Except, of course, for the bikini car wash werewolf.

Dan McCoy

[6:40] It's a werewolf car wash?

[6:42] Well, no, no, no.

[6:42] What happens is a bunch of bikini girls inherit a werewolf.

[6:45] And a land developer wants to.

[6:46] And they have told a car wash to stop a land developer from building condos instead of a werewolf.

[6:53] They want to build the condos on the werewolf.

[6:56] The problem is.

[6:56] You would hate that.

[6:57] Those condos only exist when there's a full moon.

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:00] So it's a bad plan for the land developer.

[7:02] Yeah, it's bad for the money.

[7:02] But still.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] And he still ends up getting pushed in a pool at the end.

[7:06] So, abduction, eh?

[7:07] So, abduction.

[7:08] Should we say what this movie is about?

[7:10] Sure.

[7:10] For the few people who haven't seen it, since it was the most successful film in film history,

[7:14] abduction is a low-budget pizza nonsense starring...

[7:18] Pizza nonsense?

[7:20] I thought you might say that.

[7:21] I was hoping you would ignore it.

[7:22] That when I said piece of nonsense, it sounded like pizza nonsense.

[7:26] So, abduction is the story of Taylor Lautner, your ordinary run-of-the-mill high school student

[7:32] who is super ripped and has amazing abs and rides a motorcycle all the time.

[7:37] He sometimes rides on the front of a truck.

[7:39] On the front of...

[7:39] Yeah, on the front of a car while his friends drive him to a party.

[7:42] He's driven to a party while riding on the hood.

Stuart Wellington

[7:44] He, uh...

[7:45] We immediately love him.

Elliott Kalan

[7:46] You immediately...

[7:47] Yeah.

[7:47] Well...

[7:48] This ripped hood-riding teenager is immediately the most lovable character in film history.

[7:54] Yeah, the first...

[7:54] With the one problem that he is totally unlikable.

Dan McCoy

[8:00] Yeah, well, that's like the first few things we see him do in this movie are...

[8:06] Uh...

[8:06] Endanger his life by riding on a hood of a car.

[8:09] Play beer pong.

[8:11] And then, like, cackle with his friends at this, like, uh...

[8:14] This raging party at some girl's house.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] And he gets drunk and passes out and wakes up shirtless on the front lawn of the house the next day.

[8:20] Like, oh, he's our hero.

[8:23] He is...

[8:23] Well, he's...

[8:24] We like him because he's such a totally awesome dude, I guess.

[8:26] Well, he's like a fantasy figure for the viewer, but he's a fantasy figure...

[8:31] He's a fantasy love object.

[8:32] I have to assume...

[8:32] He's my fantasy figure.

[8:34] Whoa.

[8:35] I have to assume they were going for the Taylor Lautner fans, which are like teenage girls, basically.

[8:38] Sure.

[8:39] And that...

[8:39] I mean, I don't know...

[8:40] Kids are like nowadays, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[8:42] Maybe all the kids, like, ride around on cars.

[8:44] I don't think a lot of kids ride on the hoods of cars.

[8:47] Give each other high fives over pirates tickets.

Dan McCoy

[8:49] There's nothing that gets a 13-year-old girl hotter than some dude playing beer pong.

[8:55] That is what she aspires to for her.

Elliott Kalan

[8:57] But like a bad boy guy who your dream is to tame him, you know, and harness...

[9:03] Tame the wolf within him.

[9:04] Exactly.

[9:04] To tame the wolf.

[9:05] This is not a bad boy...

Dan McCoy

[9:05] Like, this is just like your typical, like, frat nonsense.

[9:08] This is not like a bad boy behavior.

[9:10] Like, I can understand the bad boy thing.

Elliott Kalan

[9:11] You're riding on the hood of a car and getting drunk and passing out.

[9:14] That's bad boy behavior.

[9:15] That's just like...

[9:16] I don't know how they do things in Eureka, Illinois, Dan.

[9:18] Average asshole.

[9:18] But when a teenager passes out drunk and wakes up on the lawn of a house with no shirt on,

[9:23] that's all I need for minimum bad boy acceptance.

[9:25] I mean, he's totally rude.

[9:26] This is going to sound...

[9:27] Yeah, he's totally rude and he's got attitude.

Stuart Wellington

[9:29] This is going to sound really weird, Elliot.

[9:30] I'm going to side with Dan on this one.

[9:32] Really?

[9:34] He's neither rude nor has any tood.

[9:36] He's just a regular old dude.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] Okay.

[9:40] He's been downgraded from bad boy to boy.

[9:43] But anyway, that's what we see him do.

[9:45] Then he goes home and his parents are not happy that he's hungover.

[9:47] So his dad makes him fight him.

[9:50] And there's a...

[9:51] That's awesome.

[9:52] He's training him how to fight and his dad is just beating the shit out of him.

[9:55] In a fight scene that's just slightly shorter than the fight scene from They Live.

[9:58] And it's just a hair short of child abuse.

[10:01] We don't really know either of these characters at this point, right?

[10:04] We know one is not a bad dude with attitude.

[10:06] He's just a regular average show teen riding on the hoods of cars and getting drunk with his friends with pirate tickets.

[10:11] You think his dad might be a prude.

Dan McCoy

[10:14] Oh, God.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] And no one shows up nude and someone plays Zood and, you know.

Dan McCoy

[10:19] All right.

[10:19] Thanks, Dr. Seusses.

[10:20] There you go.

Elliott Kalan

[10:22] Anywho, so...

[10:24] But then Taylor Lautner gets mad and his dad's like, good, good.

[10:27] You focus that.

[10:28] Think about what you're doing.

[10:29] And him and his dad beat each other up.

[10:30] And it's, again, you're like...

[10:32] This is the first moment where you're like, he's about to turn into a werewolf, isn't he?

[10:35] No.

[10:35] Give us your anger.

[10:36] He's just flaring his nostrils and kicking his dad.

[10:38] Mm-hmm.

[10:39] But he's also got a crush on a girl who shows up at the party with a boyfriend.

[10:44] What?

Stuart Wellington

[10:46] She's got big eyebrows, this girl.

[10:48] She's got kind of bushy eyebrows.

[10:49] Mm-hmm.

[10:50] But pretty.

Elliott Kalan

[10:51] Yeah, no.

[10:52] She's a pretty lady.

[10:53] She's still the romantic lead of a movie.

[10:54] She's a pretty girl.

Dan McCoy

[10:56] I just don't want you guys to, you know...

[10:58] It's not like a hunchback or nothing.

[10:59] Focus on the eyebrows.

Elliott Kalan

[11:00] It's hard not to because her face is kind of bland pretty.

[11:03] Sure.

[11:04] But she's, you know, pretty.

[11:05] She's a girl.

[11:06] Whatever you...

[11:06] What are you going to do?

[11:07] Yeah.

[11:07] Anywho, they go to school.

[11:10] His friends rag on him.

[11:11] He's on the wrestling team.

[11:12] No, no, it's fine.

[11:14] And the teacher of the sociology class, which they have in high school, a teacher who is throwing

[11:19] a baseball between his hands for no reason.

Stuart Wellington

[11:21] It's like the first day of class, though.

[11:22] He's basically teaching them what...

Elliott Kalan

[11:24] He goes, sociology is the history, is the study of societies.

[11:29] And you have a 10-page term paper to do.

[11:31] And now I'm going to split you up into groups.

[11:33] But I know your names already.

Dan McCoy

[11:35] Yeah.

[11:35] And I'm going to make you work in this class.

[11:37] This is not going to be an easy class.

[11:40] Yeah.

[11:40] This is going to be totally sociological.

Elliott Kalan

[11:42] The teacher gets kind of a little speech like that, and you never see him again.

[11:46] But he pairs up Taylor Lautner and the girl he has a crush on, who also lives across the

[11:51] street from him.

[11:51] Oh, man.

[11:51] That sucks.

[11:52] This is awkward or great.

[11:54] And he spends a little bit of a mini montage cleaning up his room.

[11:57] This is an action movie, by the way.

[11:59] Yeah.

[11:59] And so far, we've seen the character go to a party.

[12:01] There's a montage.

[12:02] Fight his dad.

[12:02] And then clean up his room after getting assigned a term paper.

Stuart Wellington

[12:06] And we also see a picture of the girl who lives across the street.

[12:09] We see a shot of her taking a poster, a poster-sized picture of herself and her ex-boyfriend.

[12:15] And ripping it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:16] Ripping it in half.

[12:17] She got a mate at Kinko's.

[12:18] What?

[12:18] All the teens are doing that now, along with their hood riding and their passing out.

Stuart Wellington

[12:23] Yeah, I don't know.

[12:24] I'm not a teen anymore, guys.

[12:25] I'm a grown man.

[12:26] Like our hero, Taylor Lautner.

Elliott Kalan

[12:29] But he's playing a teen.

[12:30] Poorly.

[12:31] So, Taylor Lautner, let's just take a moment to talk about, how would you describe his charisma?

[12:35] More like a sponge or more like a brick?

Dan McCoy

[12:37] He's sort of like a cigar store Indian, kind of.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] He's kind of like a block of wood that someone drew abs on with a Sharpie marker.

Dan McCoy

[12:45] He's like a young John Cena.

[12:47] Yeah, he is a judge.

Elliott Kalan

[12:49] John Cena has way more charisma than Taylor Lautner.

[12:51] Yeah, I do agree with that.

[12:52] Which is weak compliments right there.

[12:54] That's very weak praise to say more charisma than Taylor Lautner, but still.

[12:59] And obviously, some of this has to do with my anger at Taylor Lautner being like, what, I assume, a millionaire teenager with super great abs.

[13:06] That sounds like a great movie title.

[13:08] Actually, if this was a movie about Taylor Lautner being a millionaire teenager, much better.

Dan McCoy

[13:14] I just, I mean, like I said this during the film, though, but also, like, Taylor Lautner seems to be one of those cases of the teen heartthrob where it's like, okay, yeah, he's like super cut.

[13:25] But he looks kind of weird.

[13:27] Like, he's got like a weird fucking nose and like weird low brow, like eyebrows.

[13:32] But kids like that.

[13:32] It's caveman chic.

[13:33] Okay, I guess so.

[13:35] I mean, he really, he does, he does, he looks like he should, he would not be out of place making cave paintings of how he took down a...

Elliott Kalan

[13:41] Well, he's in Astralo Hunkathicus.

[13:43] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[13:44] Fair enough.

[13:45] I mean, whatever.

[13:46] He's a Neander dude.

[13:48] We can pass along.

[13:49] I mean, it's more important.

Stuart Wellington

[13:50] Our generation had Encino Man.

[13:52] Exactly.

[13:52] Their generation has Jacob, the werewolf creature.

Elliott Kalan

[13:55] Every generation has their caveman hunk.

[13:57] The point is...

[13:57] For the generation before us, it was Ringo Starr in the movie Caveman.

[14:00] Before that, it was Robert Vaughn and I was a teenage caveman or whatever it's called.

Dan McCoy

[14:04] This is called Teenage Caveman.

[14:05] The Deus Ex homework assignment that puts this into motion is that they have to do something about, I guess, abducted kids.

Elliott Kalan

[14:14] They're somehow doing a term paper on...

[14:15] Weird first project.

[14:16] On child abductions.

[14:17] And they find a website that shows pictures of kids and then what they might look like as adults now in the time since they've been abducted.

[14:25] And one of the kids slash adults looks just like Taylor Lautner.

[14:29] Uh-oh.

[14:30] He does some quick detective work, finds his old shirt that's in the picture, and compares it to other pictures, and talks to a friend of his and decides it's him.

[14:38] So he confronts his mom who admits she's not...

Stuart Wellington

[14:41] By actress Maria Bello.

[14:43] Yeah, Maria Bello.

[14:44] Yeah, she's great.

[14:44] She wears the hat in that show, right?

[14:47] That show?

Dan McCoy

[14:47] Oh, yeah, the canceled show.

Elliott Kalan

[14:49] Yeah, she's not on that show anymore.

[14:50] The Prime Suspect remake.

[14:51] Yeah, Hat Cop.

[14:53] Lady Hat Cop.

[14:54] Yeah.

[14:54] The show.

[14:55] The series.

Dan McCoy

[14:56] And his dad, you may remember, as Lucius Malfoy.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] Yeah, Jason Isaacs.

[15:01] Who's Lucius Malfoy?

[15:02] He always plays a good guy.

[15:03] Is that a character from like a Harry Lord of the Rings of Star Wars type thing?

[15:06] Yeah, it's from one of those things.

[15:07] Yeah, one of those.

[15:07] Okay.

[15:08] Is that like a Star Trek Hobbit?

[15:09] Hey!

[15:12] Avengers.

[15:13] Keep going is what I meant to say.

[15:14] Keep it up.

Dan McCoy

[15:16] Star Trek Hobbit sounds great.

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:18] Is he on Grimm?

[15:20] Come on.

[15:21] That is a level of nerdy that I will not commit to, friend.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] Okay.

[15:26] Is he on the Mother Goose and Grimm cartoon show that used to be on in the 90s?

[15:29] Anyway, so she admits she's not his real mother.

[15:32] And she's going to reveal the truth to him as soon as she goes downstairs and gets his dad.

[15:37] But then a knock on the door.

[15:39] Two surprise, sinister secret agents show up.

[15:42] And it's because of a scene we forgot where they look on this website and they get in touch

[15:47] with the website operator and say, we think we've found one of these kids.

[15:51] But it turns out the site is being run by a Serbian criminal who then hacks through the computer

[15:56] back to the webcam to see Taylor Lautner using the computer and then track him to his current location.

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:04] That's a perfect use of computers.

[16:05] Because apparently it's very easy to do that.

[16:08] This is a movie where it's very easy to hack into computers, phones, security cameras, balloons, everything you need.

Dan McCoy

[16:16] Later on, the CIA is getting involved in this story.

[16:18] And let me tell you, the CIA has a tap on every phone and computer that exists in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[16:22] In the world.

[16:24] Pay phones, cell phones, home phones, you know.

Dan McCoy

[16:27] Those, like, speaking spells, they're not really phones, but it's close enough.

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] Homo phones.

[16:32] So we're about a half hour into the movie at this point.

[16:35] Yeah, it's taken a long time to get here.

[16:36] So these secret agents show up.

[16:38] There's a brief fight where Maria Bello kicks some butt, even without a hat on, but then gets killed.

[16:44] Oh, man.

[16:45] And the dad shows up.

[16:46] He gets killed, too, yeah.

[16:47] But not until after taking out one of the other agents.

[16:50] Taylor Lautner and the girl that he has a crush on beat up the last guy.

[16:55] Taylor Lautner gets a fire poker from the fireplace and just hits him with it a bunch of times.

[17:00] And he goes, I'll tell you everything you want to know, but I won't die here.

[17:04] There's a bomb in the oven.

[17:05] And, of course, they go to check, and there's seven seconds left on the bomb.

[17:09] So they jump out of the house.

[17:11] The explosion blows them into the pool.

Dan McCoy

[17:12] Yeah, it really helped that one guy.

[17:13] I was like, I'm not going to die here.

[17:15] He's like, well, I guess you're still in that house when it exploded.

Elliott Kalan

[17:18] Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have set the bomb for ten seconds after you left the oven.

[17:22] And also, both these guys have been fighting the whole time.

[17:25] Who had time to put a bomb in the oven?

[17:26] And also, is it called a bomb in the oven when you've got a rambunctious kid that you're pregnant with?

Dan McCoy

[17:31] Well, that bomb in the oven, that was for Sunday brunch.

[17:34] Seems unnecessary to put the bomb in the oven.

Stuart Wellington

[17:36] I mean, is that to make it look like it happened from natural causes?

Elliott Kalan

[17:39] Oven-based causes?

[17:40] Just a natural oven explosion like you have.

Dan McCoy

[17:43] They were just trying to bake a bomb, but they miscalculated.

Elliott Kalan

[17:47] It's so hard to get a good glaze on a bomb because it doesn't have any juices.

[17:52] So now the kid, the girl, and the guy, Taylor Welner, are on the run.

[17:56] And she got hurt in the arm a little bit, so he takes him to the hospital.

[17:59] And he calls from the hospital.

[18:02] He calls 911, and the CIA picks up.

[18:04] It's Alfred Molina.

[18:05] And he says like, blah, blah, blah, you're in trouble or danger or something.

[18:08] And then they go to the hospital.

Dan McCoy

[18:09] You've got to trust me.

[18:10] And he throws it back in his face, the thing that Jason Isaacs' dad said.

[18:15] It's like, trust is something you earn.

Elliott Kalan

[18:17] Yeah, it's his roadhouse pain-don't-hurt moment.

[18:20] Yeah.

[18:20] His philosophy.

[18:22] So now the kid, the girl, the guy, Taylor Welner, are on the run.

[18:22] They go to the hospital.

[18:24] And he tries to dial 911 again, I guess.

[18:28] And it's the CIA again.

[18:30] Like, what happens?

[18:30] No, this is all the same thing.

[18:31] It's the same phone call?

[18:32] I thought they talked to the CIA in the house.

[18:34] Is it just in the hospital?

Dan McCoy

[18:36] No, just at the hospital.

[18:37] And Sigourney Weaver.

[18:39] Look, there's so many phone calls in this movie.

[18:41] Sigourney Weaver, who is Taylor Lautner's therapist earlier in the film.

Elliott Kalan

[18:46] She's helping him to deal with his anger and his recurring dreams of watching his mom get killed in front of him.

[18:52] He's tired of Wolf out.

Stuart Wellington

[18:53] Yeah.

[18:54] And you mean his dreams that are just actual memories.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:58] Because like most people, when Taylor Lautner goes to sleep, he just plays memories back from his past history.

Dan McCoy

[19:03] It's like a greatest hits.

[19:05] It's what happens.

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] It would be great if he just imagined his blooper reel.

[19:08] And it was his real memories with people screwing up.

[19:11] And Yakety Sax is playing in his dreams.

[19:13] They don't usually do that in blooper reels.

Dan McCoy

[19:17] But no, Sigourney Weaver shows up.

Elliott Kalan

[19:18] But he dreams all the time.

[19:19] So he's on the phone at the hospital and calls 911 and Alfred Molina answers and says the trust thing.

[19:24] Then Sigourney Weaver shows up with a big handful of Mylar balloons, which is her.

[19:29] Perfect disguise.

[19:30] It's literally her disguise.

[19:32] She goes, oh, Alfred Molina, you can't trust him.

[19:34] Yeah.

[19:35] You've got to come with me.

[19:36] And she uses the.

Dan McCoy

[19:36] I'm a friend of your dad and I'm a secret agent too.

[19:39] Come with me.

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] She uses the.

[19:41] Of your real.

[19:41] A friend of your real dad.

[19:42] Yeah.

[19:42] And she uses the balloons to hide them from the view of other people.

[19:46] And then she lets them go so that they can cover up a security camera.

[19:50] And then she has the best line in the movie.

[19:53] As she.

[19:53] They get into a car.

[19:54] And as she's about to get into the car and drive them to safety, she goes, I hate balloons.

[19:59] And then they drive off, narrowly escaping being caught.

Dan McCoy

[20:03] That was her secret the whole time.

Elliott Kalan

[20:05] And you're waiting for something else.

Stuart Wellington

[20:06] She had to overcome her hatred of balloons to help Nathan.

[20:10] That's how important this was.

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] It's literally snakes.

[20:14] Why does it have to be snakes moment?

[20:15] But balloons.

[20:16] And balloons never come up again.

[20:18] Sigourney Weaver does not have to overcome another balloon obstacle.

Dan McCoy

[20:20] It really felt like she should have said, I hate balloons.

[20:23] And then shot the balloons and they exploded.

Stuart Wellington

[20:25] Yep.

[20:26] And the entire hospital exploded.

[20:28] And their car goes flying out of the blast.

[20:31] Well, that's the acceleration they need to get away from the bad guys.

Elliott Kalan

[20:35] But.

[20:35] It's like a rocket ship.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:37] It's a controlled explosive blast.

Stuart Wellington

[20:38] Okay.

[20:39] That's how rocket ships work.

Dan McCoy

[20:40] Yeah.

[20:41] Sigourney Weaver takes Taylor Lautner and Bland love interest with her.

[20:45] And.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] Let's just call her girl cute girl.

Dan McCoy

[20:47] Cute girl.

[20:48] And.

[20:49] Pushes them out of the car basically.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] She says, we're going to be rounding a turn.

[20:53] I need you to jump out of the car where no one will see you.

[20:55] That makes sense.

[20:55] And they jump into the woods and then she creates a diversion by blowing her car up.

[20:59] Yeah.

[20:59] But she's not in it.

[21:00] And so now the CIA is after them.

[21:02] She tells them.

Stuart Wellington

[21:03] They got CIA guys.

[21:05] They got, I guess, Serbian.

[21:06] The Serbian criminal is still after him.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] She's got four people.

[21:10] She says, there are four people who know the truth about you.

[21:13] Your fake parents, me, and your real dad.

[21:15] And.

[21:17] His real dad is a secret agent of some kind.

[21:18] Mm-hmm.

[21:18] Now, Alfred Molina then debriefs, I guess, the head of the CIA.

[21:22] Who's.

[21:22] It's not General Petraeus because he's stepped down, obviously.

Dan McCoy

[21:27] Alfred Molina calls an exposition meeting.

[21:31] He's like, guys.

[21:31] It's basically what it is.

[21:32] We're desperate to need some exposition in this film.

[21:34] We got to, like, do the stat.

Elliott Kalan

[21:36] And he says that Taylor's exposition meeting in the conference room.

[21:40] Two in ten minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[21:40] Why would all these guys be trying to get this cool teenager?

[21:43] This isn't if looks could kill.

[21:44] There hasn't been, like, a mix-em-up.

[21:46] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[21:46] Did we forget to mention he has a motorcycle, too?

[21:48] Oh, that's why they're after him.

[21:49] And he wears sunglasses.

[21:51] At night.

Dan McCoy

[21:53] Sunglasses to keep his son out of his eyes.

[21:56] Wait.

[21:56] He has a son?

[21:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] I don't want to see my son.

[22:00] I'll put sunglasses on.

Dan McCoy

[22:01] Dad, you can still see me.

[22:02] I'm just a little bit dimmer.

[22:05] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] So Alfred Molina explains that Taylor Lautner's dad was a secret agent who found a list of 25 secret agents who had, I guess, sold out America to the Serbian criminal.

[22:18] And now the Serbian criminal wants that list, which is because I guess that was his only copy and it's on a phone.

[22:24] Yeah.

[22:24] And Taylor Lautner is...

Dan McCoy

[22:26] Taylor Lautner had been, like, put into hiding to protect him because he would have been leveraged, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[22:32] The easiest way to get that phone is not to go after the secret agent who has it, but to get his kid and use the kid as a bargaining chip.

Stuart Wellington

[22:39] So he's had this phone for, like, 15 years or something?

[22:42] No.

[22:42] The phone has been hidden in a safe house for 15 years.

[22:45] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[22:46] But also, this is the first of three or four times that we're told this exposition.

[22:50] Alfred Molina tells these people.

[22:52] Then he tells Taylor Lautner.

[22:53] Taylor Lautner tells the girl.

[22:54] And it's like, yeah, we saw this.

[22:56] We know why they're chasing you.

[22:58] Come on.

[22:59] Taylor Lautner and the girl go to a safe house where they get a gun and the phone.

Dan McCoy

[23:01] I think the movie thinks that, like, objectively, this plot doesn't make any sense.

[23:07] But the movie thinks that maybe if it repeats it three times, we'll be like, oh, yeah, I get it.

[23:11] Oh, sure.

[23:12] Fine.

[23:13] It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

Stuart Wellington

[23:15] It's like the secret.

[23:16] They say it enough.

[23:17] They're trying to really interact with each other in one of these situations.

[23:20] No, it's true.

[23:21] And, of course, they would have to explain it to each other.

[23:23] They'd have to explain it every time.

[23:23] That's true.

[23:24] Over and over again.

[23:24] I mean, it's just hyper-realistic is what I'm trying to say.

[23:26] Very hyper-realistic.

[23:26] It's like a mumblecore thriller.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] I wish it was more mumbly.

[23:31] We wouldn't hear brilliant dialogue like, I hate balloons.

Stuart Wellington

[23:36] So they get on a train then, right?

[23:38] Is that the next thing they do?

[23:39] Yeah, they've got to.

[23:39] Yep, it's a spy movie, so there's got to have a train on it.

[23:41] It's all pretty boring.

[23:41] They're going to take a train from Pittsburgh to Cincinnati.

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:45] In search of spaghetti with chili on top, I would imagine.

Elliott Kalan

[23:49] Because that's where the phone is hidden, I guess.

[23:52] Eagraphies or some shit.

[23:53] But a thug chases after them.

[23:55] And here's another great moment that we forgot to mention.

[23:58] So the Serbian war criminal comes in from London.

[24:01] There's a scene where they establish how sinister he is by showing him going through customs

[24:06] and being allowed to pass through customs using his passport.

[24:12] They show him in a hotel room with his thugs, and the thugs are very clearly eating room service food.

[24:19] Like, there are these great moments where it's like, for verisimilitude, we should show that if he's going to go to the United States, he'd have to pass through naturalization.

[24:27] Oh, and you know what?

[24:28] They're going to get hungry on this steakhouse.

[24:30] Let's show someone dipping french fries into a bottle of ketchup.

[24:34] So one of the thugs, who looks kind of like a thinner Michael Moore, chases after them on this train.

[24:40] But first, Taylor Lautner and the girl make out.

[24:42] Hot and heavy.

[24:43] Oh, man, it's crazy.

[24:44] He literally picks her up and is holding her by the butt.

[24:47] And they sit down, and they're kissing and kissing.

[24:49] And then she goes, hey, we should...

[24:51] Get your boners ready, guys.

[24:52] Get your boners ready.

[24:54] Shine them up.

Dan McCoy

[24:55] Gentlemen, rev up your penises.

[24:58] Check the oil on that thing.

[25:00] Put a nice shirt and tie on.

[25:04] Gentlemen, shave your boners professionally.

Stuart Wellington

[25:08] Yeah, not amateurish.

[25:10] Come on, no.

[25:11] You look terrible.

[25:13] Gentlemen, unpack it from wax.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] So they're on the train, and they make out.

[25:19] Get out of cryo-freeze.

[25:20] She goes, hey, we should have something to eat.

[25:23] And he's like, yeah, yeah.

[25:26] And they should have played up the moment more where he's like,

[25:30] wait, what?

[25:31] Are we not doing that anymore?

Dan McCoy

[25:32] I mean, it seemed like we were on our way to having sex.

Stuart Wellington

[25:36] I don't know about teenage boys,

[25:37] but I think they can pass up food for a little while

[25:40] if sex is on the table.

Elliott Kalan

[25:41] Yeah, exactly.

[25:42] Well, especially if they have to get through the sex

[25:44] to get to the food that's on the table.

[25:46] Like, let's say there's a plate of food,

[25:47] but there's a girl in front of it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:48] Okay, okay, I can imagine this.

[25:50] Just how else are you going to get that food

[25:52] except by sexing your way through?

[25:54] Sure.

[25:55] You couldn't just push her out of the way.

Elliott Kalan

[25:56] That would be rude.

[25:57] Come on, you're a gentleman.

[25:59] And you know what?

[25:59] While she's falling, her leg might hit the food.

[26:01] Knock that on the floor.

[26:02] Then, there goes your hot dogs and macaroni.

[26:06] It's like macaroni noodles with cut off hot dogs.

[26:08] That's what teenage boys like to eat, right?

[26:10] Sure.

[26:11] Well, teenage boys are five-year-olds.

[26:13] Science tells us.

Stuart Wellington

[26:14] Like a turkey leg for a medieval knight.

Dan McCoy

[26:17] Science tells us that after you've had sex with a girl,

[26:19] she's not hungry.

[26:20] No, not at all.

[26:21] Then you get all that food.

Elliott Kalan

[26:21] Then you can get that, like, Go-Gurt,

[26:23] whatever it is, or Lunchables

[26:24] that's sitting on the table.

[26:27] Whatever the kids eat these days.

[26:28] Lunchables.

[26:28] You know, what is it?

[26:29] Like Elio's Pizza Cones?

[26:31] Something like that?

Dan McCoy

[26:32] What is it?

[26:33] Like Choco Tacos?

Elliott Kalan

[26:34] You know, I don't know.

[26:35] Pizza food.

[26:36] You know, for kids.

[26:37] Some kind of, like, you know,

[26:39] hamburger pizza or something?

[26:41] Some kind of Oreo cheeseburger?

Stuart Wellington

[26:43] Something's got a crocodile cartoon on the box.

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] Something with a cartoon penguin

[26:48] with a backwards hat and a skateboard.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] Hey, that's a cool penguin.

[26:52] What's he doing eating that food?

Elliott Kalan

[26:53] So if you're going to get that plate of chicken nuggets

[26:55] in the shape of dinosaurs,

[26:56] you're going to have to have sex with that woman first.

[26:58] Yeah, you've got to sex someone up for that.

Stuart Wellington

[27:00] And if you're lucky,

[27:01] the motion from having sex will bounce the food

[27:04] closer to your mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[27:07] I mean, that's the only reason you're doing it

[27:08] if you're a teenage boy.

[27:12] So let's do what your body wants.

[27:14] Point is, there's a fight.

[27:15] The fight is, she goes to the cafeteria

[27:18] and the bad guy follows her,

[27:20] pulls her into a passenger berth,

[27:23] and beats her up and threatens to cut one of her fingers off.

Stuart Wellington

[27:27] Like the bad guy in Dark Man.

[27:29] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:29] I guess so.

[27:31] Which one?

[27:31] Die, Dark Man, die?

[27:33] The return of Durant?

[27:34] No, it's Durant from the first one.

[27:35] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[27:36] Before he returns.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] Not a few good Dark Men?

[27:40] Twelve Angry Dark Men?

[27:42] Is that it?

[27:43] No, that's a bunch of later Dark Men.

[27:44] That band Dark Man and Astro Dark Men?

[27:47] Wait until Dark Men?

[27:49] No, not at all.

[27:50] That doesn't work.

[27:51] Oh, man.

[27:52] That's not the word man in the title.

[27:53] No, no, you go with the word dark, too.

[27:55] You know what?

[27:55] Let's just pretend this never happened.

[27:56] Near Dark Man?

[27:57] You know what?

[27:57] Restart the podcast.

[27:58] Okay.

[27:59] Okay, so there's a big fight in a train car

[28:02] and just in the one passenger room.

[28:04] And I know what you're thinking.

[28:06] A fight in a train berth,

[28:08] wasn't that done in a sleeper car?

[28:09] Wasn't that done in From Russia With Love?

[28:11] Isn't it one of the best fight scenes

[28:13] in the Bond series?

[28:14] Yes, it is.

[28:15] And does abduction outdo it?

[28:18] No, it does not.

[28:19] But, you know.

Dan McCoy

[28:20] But it does end with Taylor Lautner

[28:21] tossing an unconscious man

[28:24] out the window of a train.

[28:26] Out the window of a train.

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] And then when he sees the man's glasses

[28:28] are still on the floor on the train,

[28:29] crushing them with his shoes.

[28:31] Because he hates nerds.

[28:32] It is another one of those movies

[28:35] where like,

[28:35] not as bad as Green Lantern

[28:37] where a jock was beating up

[28:38] a nerd in a wheelchair.

[28:39] But like that where

[28:40] a pudgy guy with glasses

[28:42] is fighting like this ripped teen

[28:44] who rides a motorcycle

[28:45] and we're supposed to root for the teen

[28:47] and not the pudgy guy with glasses.

Dan McCoy

[28:49] He's like,

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] prescription canceled.

[28:54] Hindsight is 20, daddy.

[28:58] So, what happens?

[29:00] So they get off the train

[29:01] because someone pulls the cord or something.

[29:03] I don't remember how the train stops.

[29:04] There must have been

Stuart Wellington

[29:04] some kind of happening going on.

[29:06] And they go run off into the woods.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] And they run off into the woods again.

[29:09] This is their second time in the woods

[29:11] for those keeping count.

[29:12] And basically,

[29:13] let's just skip ahead.

[29:15] Alfred Molina catches up with them.

[29:16] He takes them to a diner

[29:17] where he tells the story

[29:19] to Taylor Lautner

[29:19] that we already know about.

[29:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[29:21] And Taylor Lautner intuits

[29:23] that Alfred Molina

[29:24] is probably on this list

[29:26] and that's why he cares so much about it.

Elliott Kalan

[29:27] That's why he wants it so bad.

[29:28] A bunch of guys get shot by snipers.

[29:30] The Serbian snipers

[29:31] kill the good guys.

[29:32] And then Taylor Lautner runs away

[29:33] while the Serbians are

[29:34] using machine guns

[29:35] to blast the windows of this diner.

[29:37] And then Alfred Molina

[29:38] turns to this female agent

[29:40] who's with him and nods.

[29:41] And the bad guys walk in

[29:43] and see Alfred Molina

[29:43] and the female agent

[29:44] lying on the ground

[29:45] with their eyes closed.

[29:47] And the bad guys walk past

[29:48] and then Alfred Molina

[29:49] and the other woman

[29:50] just get up

[29:51] and start shooting them.

[29:52] It's literally like,

[29:53] huh, they don't have any blood on them

[29:54] and they're breathing

[29:55] but their eyes are closed.

[29:57] And they're standing still

[29:57] so I guess they're dead now.

[29:59] Anyway, we're professional mercenaries.

[30:00] We'll just walk past them.

[30:02] It is,

[30:03] that is,

[30:03] I think my second favorite dumb moment

[30:05] after I Hate Balloons.

[30:08] So anyway.

[30:09] But Lautner makes a deal

[30:10] with the Serbian guy.

[30:11] He's gonna meet him

[30:12] at a Pittsburgh Pirates game

Dan McCoy

[30:13] to make what he thinks

[30:15] is gonna be the handoff

[30:16] for the phone.

[30:16] The most

[30:17] thrilling climax they can imagine.

[30:20] A Pittsburgh Pirates game.

[30:22] So they show up.

Elliott Kalan

[30:23] Yeah.

[30:24] There's a lot of beauty shots

[30:25] of the stadium.

[30:25] Different statuaries around it.

[30:28] You know,

[30:28] they're playing the Mets.

[30:29] Everybody's wearing the Mets.

[30:30] I think this movie

[30:30] may have been funded by Pittsburgh.

[30:33] That's just one of the mysteries

[30:34] of Pittsburgh.

[30:35] Why did abduction get made there?

Dan McCoy

[30:38] Yep.

[30:39] That's just one of the

[30:40] gentlemen of the road I do.

[30:43] That's one of the

[30:43] Now we're doing

[30:44] Michael Shea.

[30:45] Let's just do the one

[30:46] that has Pittsburgh in it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:49] So he gets his buddy who

[30:50] Dan,

[30:50] are you just not on today?

[30:52] So anyway,

Stuart Wellington

[30:53] Stuart.

[30:54] Okay.

[30:55] Let's focus, guys.

Dan McCoy

[30:56] It's one of the Wonder Boys.

Stuart Wellington

[30:57] We can still finish this.

[30:58] We can still do it.

[30:59] I don't think so.

[31:00] I don't think so.

[31:01] Telegraph records.

[31:03] So he gets his buddy

[31:05] to give him those

[31:06] VIP tickets to a Pirates game.

[31:08] I mean,

[31:08] they're worth their weight in gold,

[31:10] which is not a lot

[31:10] because they're just tickets.

[31:11] They're just pieces of paper, yeah.

[31:13] And he gets his friend

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] to like stash a gun?

[31:15] Somehow,

[31:16] his friend,

[31:17] who is the best

[31:17] fake ID maker in Pittsburgh,

[31:19] he says,

[31:20] stashes a gun

[31:21] under the seat

[31:22] in the stadium.

Stuart Wellington

[31:23] They've established

[31:23] he's a criminal at this point.

[31:25] Yeah, I guess.

[31:26] Yeah, it's true.

[31:27] A smooth criminal at that.

[31:28] He makes fake IDs.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] He does make fake IDs

[31:29] and sells them.

[31:30] If he was making them

[31:31] for his own artistic use,

[31:33] it probably would be good.

[31:33] So he tricks this

Stuart Wellington

[31:33] Serbian war criminal

[31:34] to go by himself

[31:35] to a baseball game

[31:37] where he has a gun

Elliott Kalan

[31:38] stashed under a chair.

[31:39] He couldn't send

[31:39] one of his hired goons.

[31:41] Oh no,

[31:41] that would break

[31:42] the rules of the game.

[31:43] But the Serbian goon,

[31:45] the Serbian bad guy

[31:45] does buy a bag of popcorn.

[31:46] Without the rules of attraction.

[31:47] No.

Stuart Wellington

[31:49] Those were well established

[31:50] earlier on in the train car

[31:52] when we had that hot make-out scene.

Elliott Kalan

[31:53] When they are making out

[31:54] and not faking out.

Stuart Wellington

[31:56] So he buys popcorn.

Elliott Kalan

[31:57] They want to start breaking out

[31:59] before things start shaking out.

Stuart Wellington

[32:02] That was the second best line

[32:03] of the movie.

[32:03] At one point they need to...

[32:04] Serbian war criminal mentions

[32:05] how much he loves popcorn.

[32:06] That was a good line too.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] I didn't get to say

[32:08] unleash the craking out.

[32:09] Okay.

[32:10] No, he didn't say that.

[32:11] Yeah, he hates baseball.

[32:12] He goes,

[32:12] I don't understand this game

[32:13] but I like popcorn.

[32:15] Great.

[32:16] And so Taylor Lautner

[32:17] starts pulling the gun out

[32:18] from under the seat

[32:19] and the bad guy's like,

[32:20] maybe I can tell you

[32:21] the truth about your father.

[32:22] And he goes,

[32:23] the truth?

[32:24] yeah, I killed your mom

[32:25] but not your dad.

[32:26] Which is stuff we know already.

Stuart Wellington

[32:27] Yeah, we knew from the dreams.

[32:29] And he's like,

Elliott Kalan

[32:29] oh, that memory I have

[32:30] of seeing a woman get killed

[32:31] was a woman getting killed.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] I remember more of my memory now

[32:36] and you were the guy who did it.

[32:38] He was good.

Elliott Kalan

[32:39] I made one mistake.

[32:40] I didn't check under the bed

[32:42] because he now somehow knows

[32:43] that Taylor Lautner

[32:44] was hiding under the bed

[32:45] the whole time.

[32:46] But while he was telling him this,

[32:48] bum, bum,

[32:49] the Serbian guy

[32:49] got the gun somehow.

[32:50] Also, there was an exciting play

[32:51] in the baseball game

[32:52] and Taylor Lautner

[32:53] gets up to watch it

[32:55] and then sits back down again.

[32:57] Come on, focus, Taylor Lautner.

[32:58] If I'm remembering correctly,

[32:59] but it's like,

[33:00] hey, look,

[33:00] he may be a spy on the run,

[33:02] he may be a kid

[33:02] who's been lied to all his life,

[33:03] but at heart,

[33:04] he's a Pirates fan.

[33:06] He's a Piraniac.

[33:07] He's got priorities.

[33:08] He's a big pit head.

[33:09] Yeah.

[33:10] That's what they call it.

[33:11] That's what they call themselves, right?

[33:12] A pit fiend.

Dan McCoy

[33:14] David Kalin

[33:15] did not write in to correct that.

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] Don't tell us

[33:17] what Pittsburgh Pirates fans

[33:18] call themselves.

[33:18] We don't care.

Stuart Wellington

[33:20] So Taylor Lautner

[33:20] goes on the run

[33:22] and the Serbian war criminal

[33:23] tries to catch that kid

[33:25] in the process.

[33:26] He does try to catch that kid.

[33:28] In the process,

[33:28] he knocks over

[33:29] every possible type of concession.

[33:32] People with hot dogs.

[33:33] People with popcorn.

[33:34] Oh, my nachos are safe.

[33:36] Nope.

[33:36] On the ground, idiot.

Elliott Kalan

[33:38] It's like they're inventing foods

[33:40] that were never sold.

[33:41] Oh, my turducken.

[33:43] Oh, my sushi.

[33:45] Oh, my full wok.

Stuart Wellington

[33:49] Stews.

Elliott Kalan

[33:50] Oh, my souffle.

[33:51] My baked Alaska.

Stuart Wellington

[33:53] There's this really awesome scene.

[33:55] You loved this part, Dan.

[33:57] You were crazy about it.

[33:57] Where you were sliding down

[33:58] that giant piece of glass.

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] Taylor Lautner parkours around

[34:01] a little bit

[34:01] and slides down

[34:03] the glass covering

[34:04] of an escalator.

[34:05] And then,

[34:05] this is a pretty good part.

[34:06] That's the set piece

[34:07] of the movie.

[34:08] He's hanging from the glass

[34:10] and then drops to the ground

[34:11] and seriously hurts his ankle.

[34:13] He goes,

[34:13] ah!

[34:14] And then is limping away.

[34:16] But, uh,

[34:16] I got a huge lead at that point.

[34:18] And it's supposed,

[34:18] I assume it's supposed

[34:18] to even out

[34:19] the fact that

[34:20] a 60-year-old

[34:22] Serbian war criminal

[34:23] is chasing after

[34:24] the fittest teenager

[34:25] in the world.

[34:26] Yeah.

[34:26] And that they have to

[34:27] even it up

[34:27] by having him hurt himself

[34:28] and raise the stakes.

[34:29] But he's also gotten

[34:30] a phone call from his dad

[34:31] who said,

[34:32] I'm here at the stadium.

[34:34] Lead him out

[34:34] to the parking lot

[34:35] and we'll spring the trap

[34:36] or something like that.

[34:37] Something stupid, yeah.

[34:38] So Taylor Lautner

[34:39] brings him out

[34:39] to the parking lot

[34:40] and the bad guy

[34:41] pulls the gun on him

[34:42] and he's like,

[34:42] give me the phone!

[34:43] Blah, blah, blah,

[34:44] you're a real father!

[34:45] Blah, blah, blah, blah.

[34:46] Yeah, he pulls out

[34:47] a comically oversized revolver.

Dan McCoy

[34:49] And then, uh,

[34:50] Taylor Lautner's dad

[34:51] played by Dermot Mulroney.

[34:53] Who we never see

[34:54] We never see fully.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] We never see him

[34:56] from the bottom of the nose up.

[34:57] It's like Val Kilburn

Stuart Wellington

[34:58] in True Romance, man.

[35:00] You know, like,

[35:00] he just brings charisma

[35:01] without seeing the whole face.

Dan McCoy

[35:03] Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

[35:04] He pulls out a sniper rifle

[35:06] and shoots the guy.

Elliott Kalan

[35:07] Just shoots him

[35:08] through the heart.

[35:09] Climax complete.

[35:10] And it's one of those things

[35:10] where it's like,

[35:11] I think it was either

[35:12] Dan or Stewart who said,

[35:13] wait, that was an option?

[35:15] We're just shooting him

[35:16] was an option?

[35:16] Why didn't he just shoot him

[35:17] at the beginning?

Stuart Wellington

[35:18] Yeah, why didn't anybody

[35:19] just shoot him?

[35:20] It doesn't, so...

[35:21] Where were all his goons

[35:22] at this point?

[35:23] Did they leave?

[35:24] Did he have to give away

[35:25] his child?

[35:26] Couldn't he just shoot the guy

Elliott Kalan

[35:27] so he didn't have to

[35:27] give away his child?

[35:28] I think it was,

[35:28] he didn't want to pay overtime.

Stuart Wellington

[35:29] Maybe they were enjoying

[35:31] the various retail options

[35:33] of downtown Pittsburgh.

Elliott Kalan

[35:33] He didn't want to take him

[35:34] to the Pirates game.

[35:35] I'm not paying

[35:36] for you guys

[35:37] to go to a baseball game.

[35:38] You just take the day off.

[35:40] Yes, they were going

[35:40] around Pittsburgh

[35:41] eating spaghetti

[35:42] with peanuts

[35:43] or whatever it is.

Dan McCoy

[35:44] At the end of the movie,

[35:45] Taylor Lautner

[35:46] talks to Dermot Marino

[35:48] on the phone

[35:48] and it's just like,

[35:50] the dad's like,

[35:51] I can't come see you

Elliott Kalan

[35:53] because something.

[35:55] And Taylor's like,

[35:56] I want to see you, dad.

[35:57] And he's like,

[35:57] I want to see you too,

[35:58] but I can't.

[36:00] Goodbye.

[36:01] For some reason.

[36:03] Case closed.

[36:04] For something that the screen

[36:04] kid closed.

[36:05] It might as well,

[36:06] you might as well have said,

[36:07] you might as well have said,

[36:09] the dialogue might as well

[36:10] have gone like this,

[36:11] dad, I want to see you.

[36:11] I can't, son.

[36:13] Because put in a reason here.

[36:14] We'll figure it out

[36:15] before the final shooting script.

[36:17] Okay?

[36:17] Note to self.

[36:18] Like that he's,

[36:19] there's just nothing there.

[36:20] Like the screenwriter

[36:20] forgot to put something in.

[36:22] And then at the end

Dan McCoy

[36:23] of the movie,

[36:24] Sigourney Weaver

[36:24] shows up and said,

[36:25] oh, by the way,

[36:26] your dad and I worked out

[36:28] that maybe you want

[36:28] to come and live with me.

[36:30] I'm your new mom now.

Stuart Wellington

[36:31] Because every teenage boy

[36:33] wants to live with his therapist.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] I mean,

[36:35] if his therapist killed

[36:36] an alien on a spaceship,

[36:37] then yeah, sure.

[36:38] Yeah, but he doesn't know that.

[36:39] That's true.

[36:40] He doesn't.

[36:40] That's all backstory

[36:40] that we don't know yet.

[36:41] Sure.

[36:42] I want to believe that Ripley

[36:43] and the therapist

[36:43] are the same character.

[36:44] Okay.

[36:45] But yeah,

[36:46] he,

[36:46] and he goes,

[36:48] well,

[36:48] I'm going to just hang out

[36:49] with my girl.

[36:49] And she's like,

[36:50] oh,

[36:51] oh,

[36:52] okay,

[36:52] cool.

[36:52] That's cool.

[36:53] I'll just hang out here

[36:54] in the parking lot.

[36:55] She goes from

[36:56] balloon-hating super spy

[36:57] to lame parent

[36:58] in,

[36:59] from,

[36:59] you know,

[37:00] half a second.

[37:01] It's almost nothing.

[37:01] Zero to 60.

[37:02] And,

[37:03] uh,

[37:04] they just go.

[37:05] Lifetime to me.

[37:06] And Taylor Lautner

[37:07] and his new girlfriend

[37:08] sit in a totally empty stadium

[37:10] staring out into the distance

[37:11] and

[37:12] they're like,

[37:13] he's like,

[37:14] you gotta admit,

[37:14] it was a hell of a first date.

[37:17] And that's.

[37:17] Cue,

[37:18] like,

Stuart Wellington

[37:18] like the guitar.

[37:19] We start giving each other

[37:21] high fives

[37:21] because we're loving it,

[37:22] man.

[37:22] We're all about it.

Elliott Kalan

[37:24] Abduction.

[37:25] Abduction.

[37:26] Abduction.

Stuart Wellington

[37:29] Abduction.

[37:30] Reel.

[37:33] So,

[37:33] I mean,

[37:33] we should.

[37:36] Yeah,

[37:36] he dropped the beat

[37:37] on that one.

Dan McCoy

[37:37] We should actually

[37:38] wrap this up

[37:38] pretty soon.

[37:40] But before we do it,

[37:42] can,

[37:42] can anyone here,

[37:44] can anyone at this table

[37:45] explain to me

[37:46] why this,

[37:48] why any of this makes sense?

[37:50] Why any of the plot of this,

[37:51] like.

[37:52] Did you see his abs?

[37:53] I just don't,

[37:54] like,

[37:54] apparently the Serbian criminal

[37:56] thought that the best way

[37:58] to get.

[37:59] Nikolai Kosla.

[38:00] Yeah,

[38:00] to,

[38:00] like,

[38:01] find this kid

[38:01] was to post him

[38:04] on a missing.

[38:05] Was to create an entire

[38:05] missing child website.

[38:06] Kids website.

[38:07] In the hopes that he will

Elliott Kalan

[38:09] stumble upon it.

[38:09] That he might someday

[38:10] stumble on it

[38:11] and get in touch with them.

[38:12] And,

[38:13] as soon as he

[38:14] does.

[38:14] He's got to check that shit

[38:15] full time.

[38:16] As soon as he does,

[38:17] the message is picked up

[38:18] in an apartment

[38:18] in Brighton Beach.

[38:19] So,

[38:19] like,

[38:19] yeah,

[38:20] he's just got a guy

[38:20] working full time

[38:21] monitoring this website.

[38:23] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:24] Hopefully.

[38:24] And then,

[38:25] like,

[38:25] minutes later,

[38:26] people show up

[38:27] at the house

[38:27] to shoot his parents.

Elliott Kalan

[38:28] But it's also,

[38:29] like,

[38:29] there's this list

[38:30] of agents

[38:31] who have given me

[38:31] information.

[38:33] And,

[38:33] I guess he's,

[38:34] I guess he doesn't

[38:34] want that list

[38:35] to fall into the hands

[38:36] of the CIA

[38:36] or something.

[38:37] He doesn't want,

[38:37] I guess he doesn't

Dan McCoy

[38:38] want to fall into the hands

[38:39] of the people who,

[38:40] like,

[38:40] like Alfred Molina,

[38:42] who are bad.

[38:43] But,

[38:43] like,

[38:43] if he has the list

[38:44] of the people

[38:44] who are bad,

[38:45] like,

[38:45] can't he just go over

[38:46] his head like he does

[38:46] at the end of the movie

[38:47] and be like,

[38:48] oh,

[38:48] by the way,

[38:49] you have all these

[38:49] bad agents.

[38:49] Oh,

[38:49] yeah,

[38:50] Alfred Molina gets

Elliott Kalan

[38:50] arrested at the end,

[38:51] too.

[38:51] Yeah.

[38:51] But it's also,

[38:52] but like,

[38:52] yeah,

[38:52] if he was,

[38:53] if this was a real

[38:54] threat to his operation,

[38:55] then you think the guy

[38:57] would have just given it

[38:58] to his superiors

[38:59] at any point

[39:00] in the past 15 years.

[39:01] Taylor Lautner's character

[39:02] is supposed to have

[39:02] been in hiding

[39:03] with his fake parents

[39:04] for 15 years.

Dan McCoy

[39:05] Yeah,

[39:06] meanwhile,

[39:06] Dermot Roruni

[39:07] is just like,

[39:07] well,

[39:08] I guess there's

[39:08] something I can do

[39:09] other than go into exile

[39:11] and hope my kid

[39:13] doesn't get killed.

Stuart Wellington

[39:14] But he was always

[39:15] nearby watching,

[39:16] watching his son develop.

[39:18] And grow.

[39:19] Yeah.

[39:20] Shitty dad.

[39:21] I mean,

[39:21] he's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[39:23] He's a terrible dad.

[39:24] It's basically like,

[39:25] this kid's really

[39:26] cramping my style.

[39:27] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[39:27] I don't really understand

[39:28] the reasoning behind

[39:30] why the villain,

[39:32] Nikolai Coleslaw,

[39:33] why he would put so much

[39:34] effort into

[39:37] catching that kid

[39:38] and finding that list

[39:39] because like,

[39:41] I don't know,

[39:41] why does he expose himself

[39:43] to that much danger

[39:44] over this shit?

[39:44] Yeah,

[39:45] well,

[39:45] why is he doing it

[39:45] personally?

[39:46] Why doesn't he just

[39:47] go after the dad?

[39:48] It's not like

[39:48] if they find the phone

[39:49] and they're like,

[39:50] oh,

[39:50] he's a bad guy,

[39:51] we gotta arrest him.

[39:52] Like,

[39:52] they know he's a bad guy.

[39:53] It's not like,

[39:54] at least Alfred Molina

[39:55] makes sense that he

[39:56] really wants to find

[39:57] this list.

Stuart Wellington

[39:57] Because he's gonna get

[39:57] in trouble.

[39:58] Yeah,

[39:59] he will lose everything.

[40:00] Whereas the other guy's like,

[40:01] well,

[40:02] I just really want to

[40:03] kill this kid

[40:03] because he's a dick.

[40:04] Catch this kid,

[40:05] then maybe kill him.

[40:07] It's PG-13 probably,

[40:08] I think.

[40:09] Yeah.

[40:09] It's just catching.

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] Oh,

[40:11] they say fuck a couple times.

[40:12] Yeah,

[40:13] at least once.

[40:14] But it's a movie that...

[40:15] Did they bleep it?

[40:16] No,

[40:16] they didn't bleep it.

[40:17] It's a movie.

[40:18] Do they do a record scratch

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] every time somebody

[40:21] said the F word?

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] Yes.

[40:22] I will say,

[40:23] this is one of the most

[40:24] generic movies

[40:25] I think we've ever watched

[40:26] on the Flophouse.

[40:27] It had some of the best

[40:27] stock dialogue.

[40:28] Oh,

[40:29] super,

[40:29] oh man,

[40:30] I don't want to go to class.

[40:31] Or like,

[40:31] I hate homework.

[40:35] I'm trying to think of,

[40:36] oh,

[40:36] and the parents are like,

[40:38] you're grounded,

[40:39] mister.

[40:40] Did you forget you're grounded?

Stuart Wellington

[40:42] Oh,

[40:42] you're going to have to do

[40:42] the dishes.

[40:44] Or when the two teenage boys

[40:46] are like,

[40:46] you're not into enough

[40:47] underground stuff.

[40:48] You're too mainstream.

[40:49] You guys are too mainstream.

Elliott Kalan

[40:50] I need to give you

[40:51] some underground stuff.

[40:52] You couldn't even fill in

[40:53] like the names of fake bands

[40:55] or something like that?

[40:55] They didn't want to date

[40:56] the movie, Elliot.

[40:57] Yeah.

[40:57] Except there's a part where

[40:59] Taylor Lautner and the girlfriend

[41:00] are looking at pictures

[41:01] on the website

[41:02] and they're like,

[41:03] that looks like Ryan Seacrest

[41:05] crossed with Gerard Butler.

[41:07] We were cracking up.

[41:08] It was hilarious.

[41:10] Justin Bieber.

[41:10] Bieber crossed with Lady Gaga

[41:11] and it's like,

[41:12] these are the most topical names

[41:13] you could come up with.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] Gerard Depardieu

[41:16] crossed with

[41:17] Rene Aubergeron

[41:19] or whatever.

Dan McCoy

[41:21] Rene Aubergeron.

[41:23] I mean,

[41:25] number one,

[41:25] great pronunciation.

[41:26] Number two,

[41:27] what a crazy looking person

[41:28] that would be.

[41:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:29] Very French.

[41:31] Very French.

[41:33] But there's a part

[41:34] at the end where

[41:35] I'll tell you how

[41:35] this was a,

[41:36] this is a movie

[41:37] that was ludicrous

[41:38] in its genericness.

[41:39] It was like,

[41:40] you just inserted

[41:43] some people

[41:43] into a movie machine

[41:44] and then it spit out,

[41:46] you know,

[41:46] you picked movie type A

[41:48] and not movie type B.

[41:50] But there's a,

[41:50] so there's a part

[41:51] at the end

[41:51] where they're at

[41:52] the pirate stadium

[41:53] and there are all these

[41:54] statues of past

[41:54] baseball players

[41:55] and there was part of me

[41:57] that really hoped

[41:58] that the movie

[41:58] was just going to go

[41:59] off the rails

[42:00] and Taylor Lautner

[42:01] would cast a magic spell

[42:02] that brought the statues

[42:03] to life

[42:03] to fight the bad guys.

[42:05] And it's like,

[42:06] the movie would have

[42:06] instantly gone from

[42:07] most generic movie

[42:09] to most amazingly

[42:11] idiosocratic movie,

[42:12] you know.

[42:12] Yeah.

[42:12] But it didn't happen.

Stuart Wellington

[42:13] And so the only,

[42:14] only abduction was

[42:15] what,

[42:16] the teenage girl

[42:16] who got abducted

[42:17] by the werewolf?

[42:19] Or?

[42:19] What?

Elliott Kalan

[42:20] No,

[42:21] when he,

[42:21] that he was abducted

[42:22] as a kid,

[42:22] he thought.

[42:23] He thought.

[42:24] There actually was

[42:25] no abduction.

[42:26] So why is it called

[42:26] Abduction?

[42:28] Because it's an okay title

[42:29] and it has ab,

[42:30] so it reminds people

[42:31] why they want to see

[42:31] a Taylor Lautner movie.

[42:32] That makes sense.

[42:33] So,

[42:33] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[42:35] let's move on.

[42:36] I mean,

[42:36] We barely cracked

Stuart Wellington

[42:37] the surface

[42:38] of the intricacies.

[42:39] Do we want to talk

[42:39] about the movie,

[42:41] like,

[42:42] the movie machine

[42:44] of Pittsburgh,

[42:45] or?

[42:45] It's not.

[42:46] John Singleton

[42:47] and how much he weighs?

[42:48] No.

Dan McCoy

[42:48] Let's just talk

[42:51] about Final Judgments,

[42:52] whether this was

[42:52] a good,

[42:53] bad movie,

[42:53] a bad,

[42:53] bad movie,

[42:54] or a movie

[42:54] we kind of liked.

[42:55] Stuart,

[42:55] what do you say?

Stuart Wellington

[42:57] This is,

[42:58] I would say

[42:58] it's probably

[42:59] in between

[42:59] a good,

[42:59] bad movie

[43:00] and a bad,

[43:00] bad movie,

[43:01] because there's

[43:02] enough stupid stuff

[43:02] that I enjoy it,

[43:03] but,

[43:05] It was still

[43:06] pretty slow.

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] I'd call it

[43:08] a good,

[43:08] bad movie.

[43:08] It was fun to watch

[43:09] and silly and stupid,

[43:10] but it is boring also.

[43:12] It takes a long time

[43:13] to get started.

Dan McCoy

[43:14] Yeah,

[43:14] I would like to call

[43:15] it a good,

[43:15] bad movie

[43:16] because it is absurd,

[43:17] but I would have

[43:18] to go with

[43:18] bad,

[43:19] bad just because

[43:19] of the reason

[43:20] that you say,

[43:21] which is how generic

[43:22] it is.

[43:23] Now,

[43:23] that's kind of fun.

[43:24] Like,

[43:25] it is kind of funny

[43:26] to see it as

[43:27] like an experiment

[43:28] in can we make

[43:29] the most generic movie

[43:30] that has ever been made?

Elliott Kalan

[43:31] How much of the dialogue

[43:32] can the audience

[43:33] guess beforehand?

Dan McCoy

[43:35] Yeah,

[43:35] I mean,

[43:35] it happened at least

[43:36] three times

[43:36] while we were

[43:37] watching this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] Yeah,

[43:38] which is,

[43:38] usually we do,

[43:39] when we're watching

[43:40] these movies,

[43:40] around once or twice,

[43:41] maybe,

[43:42] we know exactly

[43:42] what the next line is.

[43:44] Yeah,

[43:44] three times.

[43:45] They said it couldn't be done.

[43:47] The ancients foretold.

[43:50] So we're divided.

[43:51] Yeah,

[43:52] divided we fall.

Dan McCoy

[43:53] We should move on,

[43:54] though,

[43:54] and like,

[43:55] quickly,

[43:55] before we get into mail,

[43:56] I just want to plug

[43:57] a few things

[43:58] on behalf of

[43:59] All Things Comedy,

[44:01] our,

[44:02] high-fiving,

[44:04] our parent,

[44:06] not parent company,

[44:08] we're just partners.

[44:08] It's a cooperative.

[44:09] It's a cooperative.

[44:10] Cooperative.

[44:10] It's a socialistic

[44:12] podcasting cooperative.

[44:13] I'd like to plug

[44:15] Harlan Williams

[44:17] is the voice

[44:18] of Monster Krumholz

[44:20] on a new animated series

[44:22] called Robot and Monster

[44:24] on Nickelodeon.

[44:25] Those are two things

[44:26] I like,

[44:26] in one show.

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:28] So check out

[44:29] Robot and Monster.

[44:30] It sounds like

[44:31] a delightful program.

[44:32] There's two things I like,

[44:33] robots and monsters.

[44:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] And Krumholz.

[44:35] You love Krumholzes.

Dan McCoy

[44:37] Also,

[44:37] Tom Rhodes'

[44:38] one-hour stand-up special

[44:39] Light Sweet Crude

[44:40] is available on Netflix

[44:43] as of last week.

[44:45] And Stuart,

[44:46] you were saying

[44:46] that you were listening

[44:47] to some

[44:49] All Things Comedy podcast.

[44:51] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[44:51] I wanted to plug

[44:52] one of our sister podcasts

[44:53] on All Things Comedy,

[44:55] a new addition

[44:56] to the network,

[44:57] The Dork Forest,

[44:58] which is the podcast of,

[45:03] I'm going to pronounce

[45:03] this totally wrong,

[45:04] by the way,

[45:04] Jackie Cashian.

[45:06] Jackie Cashian.

[45:07] Cashian,

[45:07] my mistake.

[45:08] A,

[45:08] obviously an accomplished

[45:10] comedian

[45:11] that I don't know

[45:12] anything about.

[45:13] But her podcast is great

[45:14] and she talks about,

[45:15] you know,

[45:16] what people are enthusiastic

[45:18] and nerdy about,

[45:19] which sounds like

[45:21] a shift at my bar.

[45:22] Hey,

[45:22] yeah,

[45:23] come on.

Dan McCoy

[45:24] But now,

[45:25] we should move on

[45:25] to letters.

[45:28] The Flophouse movie mailbag.

[45:29] Hey,

Elliott Kalan

[45:30] there's only 26 of them,

[45:32] but they're all great.

[45:32] Letters.

[45:35] You been working on that one?

[45:36] Nope.

[45:37] Just came up with it now.

[45:39] This is,

Dan McCoy

[45:39] this is,

[45:41] uh,

[45:41] from Steve,

[45:42] last name withheld.

[45:43] It's titled,

[45:44] Fictional Flops.

[45:45] Uh-oh.

[45:46] Dear Floppers,

[45:47] Like Hudson Hawk 2?

[45:48] If you could review,

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] A hawk in it?

Dan McCoy

[45:52] If you could review

[45:53] any fictional movie

[45:54] that would,

[45:55] in the universe of its creation,

[45:57] be a flop,

[45:58] which one would it be?

[45:59] The Simpsons epic,

[46:00] A Star is Burns?

[46:02] Seinfeld's family-friendly

[46:03] Sack Lunch?

[46:05] 30 Rock's lowbrow classic.

[46:06] I thought about Sack Lunch.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] The poster is just

[46:09] the family in the lunch bag.

[46:11] How did they get in there?

[46:12] Are they tiny?

[46:12] Or is it a giant bag?

[46:15] That's the movie

[46:16] they really want to see.

Dan McCoy

[46:17] 30 Rock's lowbrow classic,

[46:18] Honky Grandma Be Trippin'.

[46:20] Or something from a classic movie

[46:22] about movies like

[46:22] Singing in the Rain's

[46:23] The Dueling Cavalier

[46:24] prior to Don Lockwood's

[46:26] changes.

[46:27] You guys could probably

[46:28] think of some better ones.

[46:29] Have at her.

[46:30] Thanks for the laughs.

[46:31] Steve, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[46:33] Well, I can't think of a lot

[46:34] because I just got put

[46:35] on the spot by Dan.

[46:35] Yeah, this is the thing.

[46:37] I'm tipping them.

Elliott Kalan

[46:38] I think for,

[46:38] I can answer this one first

[46:40] if you guys want to think.

[46:41] You know,

[46:42] I would want to see

[46:43] 30 Rock's Houdet Ninja.

[46:45] But I think the movie

[46:46] I would like to see,

[46:47] which I'm sure would be

[46:47] a financial flop,

[46:48] maybe not a critical flop,

[46:50] would be the Orson

[46:51] Welles' Heart of Darkness

[46:53] that he was going to make

[46:54] that'd never get made,

[46:55] but is mentioned

[46:56] in the book

[46:57] of the Yiddish Policemen's Union.

[47:01] For some reason,

[47:02] in the alternate universe

[47:03] that Michael Chabon

[47:03] has set up

[47:04] where Alaska

[47:05] has a Jewish colony on it,

[47:07] one of the characters

[47:07] mentions that

[47:08] Heart of Darkness

[47:08] is his favorite movie

[47:10] or that he went to see it.

[47:11] And I always thought

[47:11] it was weird that

[47:12] in this alternate universe

[47:13] there are two differences.

[47:14] One, there's a Jewish colony in Alaska.

[47:16] And two,

[47:16] Orson Welles got this movie made

[47:18] that in real life

[47:18] he never actually made,

[47:20] even though it was

[47:20] in the planning stages.

[47:22] So that's the one

[47:22] I'd like to see and review.

[47:24] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[47:24] Oh man, I still can't think of it.

[47:26] Like there's so many

[47:27] and yet I,

[47:28] this is not good.

[47:29] What about like

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] the Itchy and Scratchy movie?

Stuart Wellington

[47:30] I mean obviously

[47:31] that would be great.

[47:32] I would love to review that.

[47:33] But it would probably

[47:34] be a good, good movie

[47:35] so it wouldn't fall

[47:36] within the purview

[47:36] of our podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] Within the Simpsons episode

[47:38] it was both a huge hit

[47:39] and the best movie ever made.

Dan McCoy

[47:41] I don't know if this is,

[47:42] I don't know if this counts

[47:43] because it seemed to be

[47:44] a successful film

[47:45] in the world of this movie.

[47:48] But it looked terrible

[47:49] and it starred a character

[47:53] or an actor

[47:54] from our movie tonight,

[47:55] Mr. Dermot Mulrooney.

[47:57] And burn after reading

[47:58] the film Coming Up Daisy

[48:00] looks pretty terrible.

[48:02] And I love how they just like

[48:03] they keep,

[48:04] all they show is like

[48:05] Dermot Mulrooney

[48:06] yelling at Daisy

[48:07] in the tree.

[48:09] Like trying to get her

[48:10] to come down in the tree.

[48:12] And that looks like

[48:13] a pretty great

[48:14] bad romantic comedy.

Stuart Wellington

[48:17] I mean other,

[48:18] well I guess

[48:19] another obvious one

[48:20] would be,

[48:20] what is it,

[48:21] Home for Thanksgiving

[48:21] from...

[48:23] Oh, from

[48:23] For Your Consideration?

[48:24] Yeah.

[48:24] Oh no,

[48:25] that wasn't it.

[48:26] Home from Purim.

[48:27] Which one do you think of?

[48:28] I think the original,

[48:29] the final title

[48:31] was Home for Thanksgiving

[48:32] after it got,

[48:33] you know,

[48:33] dumbed down

[48:34] and made more palatable.

[48:36] See, what else

Elliott Kalan

[48:37] could we see?

[48:37] The porno movie

[48:38] from Hardcore

[48:38] that George C. Scott

[48:39] can't watch

[48:40] because his daughter's in it?

[48:41] Or, uh...

Dan McCoy

[48:42] The one,

[48:43] the, in, uh...

[48:45] he seems pretty adamant

[48:46] that you should make it stop.

Elliott Kalan

[48:47] He does want them

[48:48] to turn it off.

[48:49] Yeah.

[48:50] Uh,

[48:51] let's see.

[48:52] But there's so many others.

[48:53] There's Coop on the movie

[48:53] from Mr. Show.

[48:55] That's pretty good.

[48:58] Oh, man.

[49:00] Any of Troy McClure's movies.

[49:01] Yeah.

[49:02] Like Preacher with a shovel.

[49:04] Yeah.

[49:04] What's the Amish one?

[49:06] Dial M for murderousness.

[49:09] Um...

[49:10] And that Muppet,

[49:11] Medieval Muppets one.

[49:11] Muppets Go Medieval.

[49:13] Sure.

[49:14] That was in

[49:14] another Troy McClure.

Dan McCoy

[49:15] This, uh, letter

[49:16] is titled

[49:18] Purvisoid Update.

Elliott Kalan

[49:20] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[49:21] I've been waiting for this.

[49:22] So this is your stalker?

[49:23] From Stephen,

[49:25] Wasn't the last one

[49:26] from Stephen,

[49:27] last name withheld?

[49:27] That was from Steve,

[49:29] I'm assuming that there's a two,

[49:31] like,

[49:31] one of them was with a V.

[49:32] This is a PH.

[49:33] Oh, okay.

[49:34] Oh, master of disguise.

[49:36] Who can see through that one?

[49:37] Real cloak and dagger expert.

[49:39] So this is...

[49:40] Dan Coleman?

[49:41] There's a prelude to this email.

[49:43] In, uh, Lipses,

[49:44] he writes in all caps,

[49:46] NIGHTMARE MAILBAG.

[49:48] Uh,

[49:49] Dear Donut Dan,

[49:50] the Militiaman,

[49:51] I wrote in

[49:52] as someone fairly new to the show

[49:53] wondering why you were referred to

[49:55] as Purvisoid No. 1.

[49:56] Now it's clear.

[49:59] Yeah, the truth will out.

[50:01] After listening to

[50:02] the Smucker's Bunch episode

[50:03] wherein you,

[50:03] under no provocation,

[50:04] began talking about

[50:05] masturbating to

[50:06] Heavy Metal Magazine

[50:07] in the Isles of the 7-Eleven,

[50:09] there's a no doubt

[50:10] you were indeed

[50:10] Purvisoid No. 1.

[50:11] I don't remember that happening.

[50:12] I think that's...

[50:13] We know it happened.

[50:14] Elliot's description

[50:15] of how you achieved

[50:16] that nomenclature

[50:17] was very apt.

[50:18] You were extremely creepy

[50:19] and now when I listen to episodes

[50:20] there's always a sinister

[50:22] undercurrent to anything you say.

[50:24] I never know

[50:24] when you might decide

[50:25] to discuss

[50:26] what the best fruit

[50:27] in which to stick your penis is

[50:28] or which of the Golden Girls

[50:30] you think is the hottest.

[50:32] With the exception...

[50:33] Rue, of course.

Dan McCoy

[50:33] Rue McClanahan.

[50:33] With the exception

[50:34] of Rue McClanahan.

[50:35] Oh, come on.

[50:36] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] You should probably...

[50:38] It's like saying

[50:39] which one of the original X-Men

[50:40] would you like to have sex with?

[50:41] Not Jean Grey.

[50:43] Beast, Iceman, Angel, or Cyclops?

[50:46] Iceman.

[50:48] You should probably...

[50:49] Because of his shockingly

[50:49] cold orifice,

[50:50] clearly.

[50:52] It would be unpleasant.

[50:53] I thought that was

[50:54] the obvious answer, guys.

[50:55] No, you'd want to go with Beast

[50:57] after he got the blue fur

[50:58] because then you could

[50:59] take a nap on him afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[51:01] Maybe Angel.

[51:02] He seems sort of ladylike.

[51:03] Actually, he's delicate.

[51:05] Not Cyclops, though,

[51:06] because he's so boring

[51:06] you'd fall asleep.

[51:08] You should probably

[51:09] not read this on air

[51:10] because I fear

[51:11] your reputation

[51:12] may be tarnished

[51:13] even further

[51:13] if people are reminded

[51:14] of this.

[51:14] Impossible.

[51:15] By the way,

[51:16] inform Stuart

[51:17] that I also adore him

[51:18] and I'm not his nemesis,

[51:20] Owl Madrigal.

[51:22] The best floppies

[51:22] are always the one

[51:23] with the original peaches.

[51:25] F-L-O-P

[51:26] in the USA.

[51:27] Yeah.

[51:27] Thanks for mentioning me,

Elliott Kalan

[51:28] Stephen.

Dan McCoy

[51:31] He's riding it out

[51:32] in the middle.

[51:32] Look, he's scared of me

[51:33] and he adores Stuart.

[51:35] I think you got off easy

[51:36] to not be mentioned.

Elliott Kalan

[51:39] I think Dan is the most likely

[51:40] to kill somebody.

[51:41] What?

[51:41] It is creepy.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] And I'm the most likely

[51:43] to have sex with Iceman

[51:44] from the original Iceman.

[51:47] Yep.

[51:48] Now that you got me

[51:48] thinking about it.

Dan McCoy

[51:50] So,

[51:51] thanks for the letter.

[51:53] Thanks, Stephen and Steve.

[51:54] Message is from

[51:55] It's an email.

[51:56] Jerry

[51:57] Jerry T. Robot.

[51:59] I think you're making this up

[52:00] as we go now.

[52:01] Jerry T. Robot writes

[52:02] The T stands for the.

[52:04] Dear Flophouse,

[52:06] I started listening

[52:07] to your podcast

[52:07] sometime last year

[52:08] and quickly went through

[52:09] your whole back catalog.

[52:11] I wait with bated breath

[52:12] every other week

[52:13] for the next installment

[52:14] of what I can honestly call

[52:15] my favorite podcast ever.

[52:16] Well, thanks, Mr. Robot.

[52:18] But something has been troubling me.

[52:19] And I wait with breath

[52:21] even more bated

[52:22] for something else.

[52:23] The arrival of a fourth member

[52:25] that will bring balance

[52:26] to the podcast.

[52:28] It just seems that

[52:29] while Dan leads,

[52:30] Elliot is quick to point out

[52:31] facts, Jack,

[52:32] and Stuart is clearly

[52:34] a party dude.

[52:35] Your podcast lacks a certain,

[52:37] oh, I don't know,

[52:38] let's call it a cool crudeness.

[52:40] A thorny fourth member

[52:41] might be able to add

[52:42] this element to the show.

[52:43] This is, of course,

[52:44] assuming that Dan's wife

[52:45] doesn't already play this role.

[52:47] Heretofore, I...

Elliott Kalan

[52:48] She's usually just standing

[52:48] right behind Dan

[52:49] with a rolling pin

[52:50] in her hands

[52:51] and curlers in her hair.

[52:52] But she always has a...

[52:54] And a cap style.

Stuart Wellington

[52:54] She always has a sigh

[52:55] stuffed into the belt

[52:57] of her pants.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] And she wears

[52:59] a red bandana, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:00] A lot of people have

[53:01] and I've assumed her purpose

[53:02] was to teach you guys

[53:03] to be ninja teens.

[53:04] So please correct me

[53:06] if I'm wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[53:06] Yeah, she's Splinter.

[53:07] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[53:08] Not Raphael.

[53:08] Or does the house cat

[53:09] provide that kind of balance?

[53:11] I'm just kind of worried

[53:11] that if Fivehead,

[53:12] the contest ruiner,

[53:13] or Seven Pounds show up,

[53:15] you might be outmatched.

[53:16] All the best,

[53:17] Jerry T. Robot.

[53:18] Thanks for worrying

[53:19] about us, Jerry.

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] Actually,

[53:21] the reason there are

[53:23] three of us

[53:23] is because we're in a balance.

[53:25] John Constantine

[53:25] actually sold each of us

[53:27] his soul,

[53:27] and now he can't die

[53:29] or else there will be

[53:29] civil war among the

[53:30] Flophouse overlords.

Stuart Wellington

[53:31] Yeah, we all have part of it

[53:33] or do we all have

[53:34] full ownership

[53:34] but we can never claim it?

Elliott Kalan

[53:35] We can never.

[53:36] We all want full ownership

[53:37] because that is his sweet soul.

[53:39] I like that story.

[53:40] I always thought

[53:40] it's a great story.

[53:42] It's the best Hellblazer story.

Dan McCoy

[53:43] I thought that the house cat

[53:44] was the cool crudeness.

[53:46] He's the one who just isn't around.

[53:47] I thought it was cool.

[53:48] It's a cool rudeness.

Elliott Kalan

[53:49] Cool but rude.

[53:49] I don't want to correct

[53:51] Jerry the Robot

[53:51] but Raphael's cool but rude,

[53:54] not crude.

[53:55] Come on.

[53:56] He has the taste

[53:57] and refinement

[53:57] of a gentleman.

[54:02] This message...

[54:03] We are heroes

[54:04] on a half shell though

[54:04] so you got that right.

Dan McCoy

[54:06] But the turtles

[54:07] aren't on a half shell.

[54:08] I mean they have a full shell.

[54:10] They're not like oysters

[54:11] that have been ripped open.

[54:13] I would hope not.

[54:14] That would be terrible.

[54:15] There's a top

[54:16] and a bottom to the shells.

[54:17] Like Krang is about

Stuart Wellington

[54:17] to eat them

[54:18] in some kind of

[54:19] crazy luncheon?

[54:21] Krang's crazy luncheon.

[54:23] Stop on by.

[54:24] Kids eat free.

[54:26] Bebop,

[54:26] you're way down.

[54:27] Look,

[54:27] I just don't have a rock study.

Elliott Kalan

[54:29] Our prices are rock steady.

[54:32] I don't want to...

[54:33] Shredder,

[54:33] you got five at table three.

Dan McCoy

[54:37] I just don't...

[54:37] I don't want to correct

[54:38] the writer of the lyrics

[54:40] to the Ninja Turtles theme

[54:42] who did fine work.

[54:44] It just...

[54:44] It's incorrect

[54:45] to refer to them

[54:45] as heroes

[54:46] in the half shell.

[54:46] That's all I'm saying.

[54:48] But turtle power.

Stuart Wellington

[54:49] I'm sure he's living

[54:51] in his palatial manor

[54:52] right now.

[54:53] Just listening to that song

[54:55] on an everlasting loop.

[54:57] Yeah,

[54:57] Ninja House it's called.

Dan McCoy

[54:59] The house that Ninja's built.

Elliott Kalan

[55:01] It's a shoddy house.

[55:02] A lot of secret passageways.

[55:04] You never know

[55:04] who's creeping around there.

Dan McCoy

[55:06] This message

[55:08] is from Jeff,

[55:10] It's called,

[55:11] Harrison Ford

[55:12] tells it as it is.

[55:14] He's already working

[55:15] around the clock.

[55:16] Greetings, floppers.

[55:17] I was looking for podcasts

[55:18] and people

[55:19] on somethingawful.com

[55:21] pointing me to the flop house.

[55:23] And over the past few weeks

[55:24] I've been making

[55:25] every attempt

[55:25] to listen to every episode

[55:26] even though this is

[55:27] making me neglect

[55:28] the amazing adventures

[55:29] of Cavalier and Clay.

[55:30] This is the most

Elliott Kalan

[55:31] Michael Chivon-y podcast.

[55:32] It is.

[55:33] And I don't even like

[55:33] Michael Chivon that much.

[55:35] Really?

[55:35] He's alright.

[55:36] He is, you know,

[55:37] I'm a Letham.

[55:38] You're putting your foot down.

[55:39] Let's keep going.

[55:40] He's up and down.

[55:41] He is up and down.

[55:42] But I find him...

[55:43] Cavalier and Clay

[55:44] and Wonder Boys are great.

[55:45] I think Cavalier and Clay

[55:46] is a fine middle-brow novel.

[55:48] Alright.

[55:48] Deserving of the Pulitzer

[55:49] a somewhat middle-brow

[55:50] literary prize.

[55:51] There I said it.

Dan McCoy

[55:53] Alright.

[55:54] I really like Cavalier and Clay

[55:55] and Wonder Boys.

[55:55] The other ones...

[55:56] I'll always take

[55:57] Fortress of Solitude

[55:58] over any of Chivon's books.

[56:00] He goes on to say,

[56:01] however,

[56:02] I was just listening

[56:03] to the Cowboys

[56:03] Ampersand Aliens podcast

[56:05] and none of you mentioned

[56:07] the best line of the film.

[56:08] When Olivia Wilde

[56:09] is explaining

[56:10] that the aliens want gold,

[56:11] I figured these aliens

[56:12] are big Ron Paul fans.

[56:13] Oh yeah,

[56:14] gold's never been worth zero.

[56:15] Ford goes,

[56:17] well that's just ridiculous.

[56:18] What are they going to do?

[56:19] Buy something?

[56:20] Which summed up

[56:21] the entire movie for me.

[56:23] It's like the writer said,

[56:24] that's stupid,

[56:25] they want gold.

[56:26] And someone else said,

[56:27] I'll just cop to it

[56:28] being dumb

[56:29] so we don't have to

[56:29] make up something better.

[56:31] Hanging a lantern

[56:31] only works when the joke

[56:32] was good to begin with.

[56:33] Keep up the good work

[56:34] and keep making

[56:35] obscure Marvel references.

[56:37] This is a great email.

[56:39] I do have to

[56:39] take issue.

[56:42] Hanging a lantern,

[56:43] this is a writer's term,

[56:45] which as I understand it,

[56:47] I don't think I've ever

[56:48] heard it before.

[56:49] It means that you point out

[56:50] something is stupid

[56:51] so that the audience

[56:53] thinks that like,

[56:54] oh that can't be stupid,

[56:55] they pointed out

[56:56] that it's stupid.

[56:57] So you're actually

[56:58] wrong in saying

[56:59] that it only works

[57:00] if the joke was good

[57:01] to begin with.

[57:01] Oh, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[57:02] But I think

[57:03] it is what they're doing

[57:04] because it's like...

[57:05] Oh, that's totally

[57:05] what they're doing.

[57:05] Well, yeah,

[57:06] them buying...

[57:06] So thank you for your letter

Stuart Wellington

[57:07] so Dan could prove his...

[57:09] His bona fides

Elliott Kalan

[57:10] as a writer.

[57:11] We get it,

[57:12] you're a professional writer.

[57:13] No, no, I mean,

[57:13] you deserve it, dude.

[57:14] But they are doing it

[57:15] for that.

[57:15] They're saying,

[57:16] yeah, it would be stupid

[57:17] if they had to buy something.

[57:18] So they must have

[57:18] a better reason

[57:19] for taking gold.

Stuart Wellington

[57:20] They could have put a scene

[57:21] where the alien's

[57:22] going to buy something

[57:22] with the gold.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] I would have loved that.

[57:24] Two aliens in a trench coat,

[57:26] one on top of the other's shoulders,

[57:27] but they're really tall anyway

[57:28] so I don't know

[57:28] why they're doing that.

[57:30] It's like,

[57:30] we'd like to buy some things

[57:32] with this gold.

[57:36] I'll try to make

[57:37] some more obscure

[57:38] Marvel references.

[57:38] You got it.

[57:40] This email is titled...

[57:42] I guess I'll see you

[57:43] all on Counter-Earth.

[57:45] This email is titled...

[57:46] Just keep going.

Dan McCoy

[57:47] Mount Wondagore.

[57:49] These are Marvel references.

[57:50] This email is titled

[57:51] One Last Letter.

[57:54] And it's from

[57:55] First Name Without Phelan.

[57:57] Dear Flophouse co-creators,

[57:59] this is the part

[57:59] of the podcast

[58:00] where you recommend

[58:01] a movie,

[58:01] perhaps that you've seen

[58:02] recently,

[58:03] perhaps not,

[58:03] that you actually liked

[58:04] in contrast to the nonsense

[58:06] that you review

[58:06] on this podcast.

[58:08] So, Stuart,

[58:08] is there a movie

[58:09] you'd like to recommend

[58:10] to the listeners?

Elliott Kalan

[58:11] Wait,

[58:11] someone wrote in

[58:13] to prompt us

[58:14] to this segment?

[58:15] Yeah.

[58:15] Is that a sign?

[58:16] Are we taking too long

[58:17] with the letters?

[58:18] Is that what you're saying?

[58:19] Yeah, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[58:20] I mean,

[58:21] I've watched

[58:22] a couple movies

[58:22] in my days, guys.

[58:25] I'm going to...

[58:26] You have watched

[58:26] only a couple movies.

[58:27] Head of the Family,

[58:28] Castle Freak,

[58:29] Invisible Maniac.

[58:30] You guys know me,

[58:32] right?

[58:33] I think so.

[58:34] As much as any man

[58:35] can know Stuart Wellington.

[58:36] And if there's one podcast

[58:36] together for five years.

[58:38] If there's one thing

[58:38] you guys know about me,

[58:39] it's that I love sports.

[58:44] Yeah, if the sport is

[58:45] blood bowl,

[58:46] then yes.

[58:47] So,

[58:48] that,

[58:49] uh,

[58:49] I would like to recommend

[58:50] a sports movie

[58:51] called Warrior

[58:52] where two MMA fighters

[58:55] totally beat each other up

[58:56] a bunch of times.

[58:57] Starring Joel Edgerton

[58:58] and Tom Hardy

[59:00] and Nick Nolte

[59:00] is a drunk old dad.

[59:02] He was nominated

[59:02] for an Academy Award for it.

[59:04] And he was good in it.

[59:05] So,

[59:06] run,

[59:06] don't walk to your

[59:07] Netflix queue.

[59:08] But Warrior in there,

[59:10] click A,

[59:11] I think,

[59:11] on your Xbox.

[59:12] I don't remember which.

[59:14] It's not like a physical space

[59:15] you need to move to.

[59:16] and you pop some corn

[59:17] and watch it

[59:18] and it's going to be Warrior.

Dan McCoy

[59:19] I like how Stuart's

[59:20] explaining how you watch a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[59:22] Let the images

[59:23] go in through your eyes

[59:24] and the sound

[59:24] through your ears

[59:25] because it's a talkie.

Stuart Wellington

[59:26] Put your arm

[59:27] around your best girl

Elliott Kalan

[59:28] or guy.

[59:28] Let the story affect

[59:29] your emotions.

Stuart Wellington

[59:30] Maybe your pet.

[59:31] Who cares?

[59:33] Enjoy Warrior.

[59:34] Got to love with someone

[59:34] you love.

[59:35] For Warrior.

Elliott Kalan

[59:36] Thanks Warrior

[59:37] for making us laugh

[59:38] at love again.

[59:39] We'll have you

[59:40] on the edge of the seat.

Stuart Wellington

[59:42] I'm rooting

[59:43] for your favorite fighter.

Dan McCoy

[59:46] I may have

[59:47] Go see Warrior

[59:48] for the first time

[59:49] all over again.

[59:49] Recommended this

[59:50] film before I can't remember.

[59:52] It's been so long, guys.

[59:54] It's been so long.

[59:55] Yeah.

[59:55] It's been a long time

[59:56] getting from there to here.

Elliott Kalan

[59:57] It's been a long time

[59:58] but our time is finally near.

[1:00:00] Thank you.

[1:00:01] We're here?

[1:00:01] Time's finally here.

[1:00:02] So you were on a plane recently.

[1:00:03] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:06] It's a place

[1:00:06] where you watch movies.

[1:00:07] I actually mentioned

[1:00:08] this movie earlier

[1:00:09] on the podcast.

[1:00:10] I feel like

[1:00:10] Burn After Reading

[1:00:11] has been a forgotten

[1:00:12] Coen Brothers movie.

[1:00:14] A lot of people

[1:00:14] love the Coen Brothers.

[1:00:15] I feel like that was a movie

[1:00:16] that was unjustly

[1:00:19] looked on

[1:00:21] as a lesser film.

[1:00:23] I think it's a very funny movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:24] Yeah, I think so too.

[1:00:25] I enjoyed it a lot more

[1:00:26] than I enjoyed

[1:00:27] No Country for Old Men

[1:00:29] to be honest.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:29] It's more Coen-y

[1:00:30] than No Country for Old Men.

[1:00:32] I think that people

[1:00:33] maybe didn't like it so much

[1:00:34] because it's kind of

[1:00:35] a cold movie.

[1:00:36] It's a cruel movie.

[1:00:37] It's a movie

[1:00:38] where the main joke

[1:00:39] is that everyone's selfish in it

[1:00:42] and no one understands

[1:00:43] what's happening

[1:00:44] and the point of it

[1:00:45] is that national security

[1:00:47] can be affected

[1:00:48] by a bunch of idiots

[1:00:49] and no one at the end

[1:00:50] will understand

[1:00:51] whatever happened.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:52] Yeah, and they're all pathetic

[1:00:53] and life is a joke

[1:00:54] and the joke's on you,

[1:00:56] losers.

[1:00:57] Yeah, so if that sounds upsetting...

[1:00:58] It should have ended

[1:00:59] with the Coen brothers

[1:00:59] pointing out of the screen

[1:01:00] at you and laughing at you.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:03] So I guess I can understand

[1:01:04] why maybe it wasn't

[1:01:05] a bigger hit

[1:01:05] but I still think

[1:01:07] it's a very good movie

[1:01:08] so I'm going to recommend

[1:01:10] Burn After Reading.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:12] I'm going to recommend

[1:01:14] I think very quickly

[1:01:15] two movies.

[1:01:15] One is a movie called

[1:01:17] Great World of Sound

[1:01:17] that was loaned to me

[1:01:19] about two years ago

[1:01:20] when I finally watched it

[1:01:21] by I Love Bad Movies

[1:01:22] co-bublisher Matt Carman

[1:01:24] and it's about a guy...

[1:01:26] Shout out!

[1:01:26] And it's about two guys

[1:01:28] who get jobs as

[1:01:29] kind of sketchy record producers

[1:01:31] for a company

[1:01:32] that's basically scamming musicians

[1:01:33] they don't seem to totally realize it

[1:01:35] or at least don't want to admit it

[1:01:36] to themselves

[1:01:37] that they're scamming people

[1:01:38] and how they come to terms

[1:01:39] with realizing that

[1:01:40] and realizing who they're working for

[1:01:41] and it's directed by

[1:01:43] the same guy who did

[1:01:43] Compliance recently.

[1:01:46] And I also want to recommend

[1:01:48] last night I went to a screening

[1:01:49] of Lincoln

[1:01:50] the new Steven Spielberg film

[1:01:53] about a little known president

[1:01:54] named Abraham Lincoln.

[1:01:56] Is it a vampire movie?

[1:01:57] It is not a vampire movie.

[1:01:58] There's nothing about vampires in it.

[1:01:59] And while I came into Lincoln

[1:02:01] people may...

[1:02:03] Listeners may know

[1:02:03] I'm a big Abraham Lincoln buff.

[1:02:05] I consider him

[1:02:05] the greatest man in human history.

[1:02:07] You are Abraham Lincoln buff.

[1:02:10] Yeah.

[1:02:11] Dang, it's a high five.

[1:02:11] Like really tall and spindly.

[1:02:13] Yep.

[1:02:16] That sexy wart.

[1:02:17] So I was ready to...

[1:02:18] I was ready to find it

[1:02:20] incredibly disappointing.

[1:02:21] I thought it was a very good movie.

[1:02:23] Not the kind of breathtaking movie

[1:02:25] I wanted it to be.

[1:02:26] It isn't the final word

[1:02:28] on Abraham Lincoln cinematically.

[1:02:29] Someone someday will make

[1:02:30] the great movie on Abraham Lincoln.

[1:02:32] You don't think that's

[1:02:33] young Abel Lincoln?

[1:02:34] No.

[1:02:34] I don't even like

[1:02:35] young Abel Lincoln that much.

[1:02:36] If anything,

[1:02:36] I say Abel Lincoln in Illinois.

[1:02:37] Young Einstein?

[1:02:39] Wait, which one's the Ford movie?

[1:02:41] Is that Abel Lincoln?

[1:02:41] Yeah, that's young.

[1:02:42] Okay.

[1:02:42] No, Abel Lincoln in Illinois

[1:02:43] is the one with Raymond Massey

[1:02:44] that I think is a better movie.

[1:02:47] And this,

[1:02:48] I think Lincoln is the best movie

[1:02:50] since Abel Lincoln in Illinois,

[1:02:51] which is, you know,

[1:02:52] a 60-some-odd year movie,

[1:02:53] year old movie.

[1:02:54] It doesn't take 60-some-odd years

[1:02:55] to watch it.

[1:02:56] But I think it's a well-made movie.

[1:02:58] It falls apart at times.

[1:02:59] I will give you two caveats.

[1:03:01] One is it has

[1:03:02] a John Williams score in it.

[1:03:04] Okay.

[1:03:04] And John Williams has somehow

[1:03:05] gone from being

[1:03:06] one of the best movie scorers

[1:03:07] to being the worst movie scorist.

[1:03:09] It is the blandest,

[1:03:11] worst heavy-handed movie score

[1:03:13] I've heard in a long time.

[1:03:14] And I wish Steven Spielberg

[1:03:15] had just not used it.

[1:03:16] And two,

[1:03:18] I actually found

[1:03:18] the parade of celebrities

[1:03:20] in roles a little distracting

[1:03:21] at times.

[1:03:22] But other than that,

[1:03:23] people do a great job.

[1:03:25] And Daniel Day-Lewis

[1:03:26] sure tries his hardest.

[1:03:28] And it comes out

[1:03:30] to be a very good movie

[1:03:31] that gets across

[1:03:32] in a lot of ways

[1:03:32] probably what it was like

[1:03:33] to be around Lincoln

[1:03:34] at the time.

[1:03:36] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:37] So three great recommendations.

[1:03:39] Actually four.

[1:03:41] Yeah.

[1:03:41] So take that, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:43] Yep.

[1:03:44] I don't understand what it's...

[1:03:45] I'll take it to my grave.

[1:03:46] One of those was Stuart's.

[1:03:48] 25% of those recommendations

[1:03:49] were supplied by Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:52] So guys,

[1:03:53] I hope you can forgive us

[1:03:54] for taking one week off...

[1:03:56] Young Mr. Lincoln

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:56] is the name of that movie,

[1:03:57] not Young Abe Lincoln.

[1:03:58] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:58] For the election and such.

[1:04:02] We're now...

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:02] Next time we're recording

[1:04:03] is what, January?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:04] No, no.

[1:04:05] I think that our schedule

[1:04:07] will keep us

[1:04:07] from actually taking a gap

[1:04:10] over Christmas and New Year's,

[1:04:11] which will be nice.

[1:04:12] Excellent.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:12] So we've got a little turkey day,

[1:04:13] then we're going to be here

[1:04:14] talking about shitty movies again.

[1:04:16] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:17] Then we've got our live show

[1:04:18] coming up.

[1:04:19] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] December 15th,

[1:04:20] which I think is sold out again.

[1:04:22] Yeah?

[1:04:22] Yeah.

[1:04:23] Because a cousin of mine

[1:04:24] bought tickets,

[1:04:25] and then when her sister,

[1:04:27] another cousin of mine,

[1:04:28] tried to buy tickets,

[1:04:28] it was sold out.

[1:04:29] Hot cakes.

[1:04:31] So I guess you can keep

[1:04:33] monitoring that website

[1:04:34] and see if the tickets open up,

[1:04:36] but...

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:36] There will probably be scalpers

[1:04:37] out front.

[1:04:38] Oh, yeah,

[1:04:39] but you're going to end up

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:39] paying four digits

[1:04:42] for those tickets, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:44] Well, but, you know,

[1:04:45] if you really care,

[1:04:48] you can show up

[1:04:49] and take your chances.

[1:04:50] Wow.

[1:04:51] I guess.

[1:04:52] But I think the real lesson...

[1:04:53] Go on into it.

[1:04:53] I like it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:53] The real lesson is

[1:04:54] the next time we do a screening,

[1:04:55] snap them up, folks.

[1:04:57] Yeah.

[1:04:57] Do not hesitate.

[1:04:59] Walk...

[1:04:59] No, wait.

[1:05:00] Run, don't walk.

[1:05:01] To your computer.

[1:05:03] And go to the 92Y Tribeca website

[1:05:05] and buy those tickets next time.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:07] No, not Netflix.

[1:05:09] Then go off of Netflix

[1:05:10] to the 90Y site.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:12] Go to the Castle Freak section.

[1:05:14] All right.

[1:05:15] There's a whole section?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:17] For the Flophouse,

[1:05:18] I've been Dan McCool.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:19] Click on Unrated Director's Edition.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:21] That's been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:22] Click on Turn Off Ding Dong

[1:05:24] Rip Off Safe Search.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:25] And that's been Elliot Kalin.

[1:05:27] Good night, everyone.

[1:05:29] You still owe me a dollar.

[1:05:31] Done fiddling with my knob, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:45] You still got it.

[1:05:46] Hello!

[1:05:48] He was just adjusting the microphone.

[1:05:50] But I turned it into an Austin Powers-style innuendo.

[1:05:54] Yep.

[1:05:55] You sure did.

[1:05:56] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:57] Turned into Hank Hill all of a sudden, Dan.

[1:05:59] Set him up and knock him down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:01] You sure did.

[1:06:03] That joke ain't right.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:04] So, um...

[1:06:05] Bobby?

[1:06:06] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:08] Hank Hill all of a sudden.

[1:06:08] Whoa!

[1:06:09] Let him keep going.

[1:06:10] That's all the catchphrases he has.

[1:06:12] Do Luan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:14] I can't do Luan.

[1:06:16] Do the guy who does the mumbly mouth.

[1:06:19] Boomhower.

[1:06:20] Oh, man.

[1:06:21] Say one little thing.

[1:06:22] Oh, man.

[1:06:23] It's dead on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:24] Yep.

[1:06:24] There you go.

The Flop House: Episode #114 - Abduction

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description