The Flop House: Episode #115 - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter, starring Daniel Day-Lewis.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] Hey Dan, I'm Stuart.

[0:36] Hey Stuart, and Dan. I'm Elliot.

[0:39] Thank you again for introducing yourself to me, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[0:42] Oh, hey Elliot, what's up?

[0:44] Oh, hey Stu.

[0:45] It's been a while.

[0:46] It has been. You were on a trip, I was on a trip.

[0:48] We're all tripping.

[0:49] So what do we do here again?

Dan McCoy

[0:52] We watch a movie all together. We sit in a room.

[0:57] People ask, do you sit in a room and watch the movie? We do.

[1:00] No one's ever asked that.

[1:01] Nobody asked me.

[1:02] We all sit together in a room and watch the movie, and then we talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05] Okay, you've done an incredibly thorough job of explaining how we sit when we watch the movie.

[1:09] They're next to each other sometimes, on top of each other. Who cares?

[1:12] Yeah, come on.

[1:13] It's cool. It's a movie watching.

Dan McCoy

[1:14] Sometimes Elliot's hands creep up my thigh.

[1:17] That's not true at all. He's too busy eating chicken.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] I'm usually just looking for your penis.

Dan McCoy

[1:22] So this is a bad movie podcast. It's called The Flophouse.

[1:25] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:27] I'm Stuart Weldon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] We did this part, guys.

[1:29] Did we?

Dan McCoy

[1:29] I have that memento thing, but I forget anything that was 45 seconds earlier.

[1:33] Immediately.

[1:34] My name's Elliot Kalin.

[1:35] Okay.

[1:37] And tonight we watched a little film, a very little film.

[1:41] It was a major motion picture.

[1:42] Called Abraham Lincoln Colon Vampire Hunter.

[1:46] Wait, so Abraham Lincoln's colon was a vampire hunter?

[1:48] According to the movie, I think.

[1:50] Yeah.

[1:52] Many men's clones just get diseased as they grow older.

[1:55] This man's fought vampires.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57] Wow.

[1:57] He really was a great historical figure.

[1:59] Certainly what he did in real life is overshadowed by the vampire hunting.

[2:03] So Elliot.

[2:05] That's my name?

[2:06] You love Abraham Lincoln.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07] I do very much.

[2:08] I consider him the greatest of men.

[2:10] Okay.

[2:10] So I think we've talked about this.

[2:12] You were really excited about watching this movie.

[2:14] Oh, yeah.

[2:15] I was.

Elliott Kalan

[2:16] Actually, I was a little excited about watching this because I knew it was going to be awful.

[2:19] But I was very unexcited when the book this movie was based on first came out.

[2:23] I thought it was kind of a dumb idea.

[2:26] And to be fair, I didn't read the book, so I can't judge it on its merits.

[2:29] But the movie is great.

[2:33] No, it's terrible.

[2:34] It's very bad.

[2:35] Spoiler alert.

[2:35] It's not a good movie.

[2:37] Yeah.

[2:37] But it seems like the movie is even very loose compared to the original book from what I've heard.

[2:42] Okay.

[2:43] But wasn't it written by the same guy?

[2:44] The screenplay is written by the same guy, Seth Graham Smith, who a lot of people know best from his book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies.

[2:51] Sure.

[2:51] The book that helped invent the mash-em-up tradition.

Dan McCoy

[2:54] The book that kicked off a million irritating things.

Elliott Kalan

[2:57] Well, it's the book that invented a tradition invented by Philip Jose Farmer and before that invented by other people of taking different types of fictional characters and mashing them up together.

[3:07] And Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was described as a mash-em-up also, but it's not.

[3:11] It's just historical fiction.

[3:13] Yeah.

[3:14] If that's a mash-up, then Harry Turtledove's career is a mash-up because he's written a whole series about aliens invading during World War II.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:23] But no dragons.

[3:24] There's no dragons in that one.

[3:25] I don't think there are dragons in that one.

[3:27] You're thinking of the World War I dragon comic book Aerosmith by Kurt Busiek and Carlos Pacheco.

[3:33] That's how you pronounce that name?

[3:34] Maybe.

[3:35] Okay.

[3:37] Aerosmith, the hit Boston rock band?

[3:39] Not Aerosmith, the rock band, and not Aerosmith, the Pulitzer Prize winning novel by Sinclair Lewis.

[3:44] All right.

[3:46] So...

[3:46] Although he turned down the Pulitzer Prize for that one.

[3:49] Why don't we give an overview of this thing?

[3:52] Well, it's directed by...

[3:54] What's his name?

[3:54] Timur Timbuktu?

[3:57] Timur...

[3:57] Beckham...

[3:58] Beckham...

[3:59] Bedankov?

[4:00] Bedankov?

[4:01] Here, I got it written down in front of me.

[4:02] Timur...

[4:03] Let's see.

[4:03] The Nightwatch guy.

[4:04] It's directed by Timur.

[4:05] His name is Timur Beckhambatov, and he is a Kazaki Russian director best known for, yeah,

[4:11] the Nightwatch, Daywatch, and Wanted, the hit film starring Angelina Jolie's tiger tattoo.

[4:17] Yeah.

[4:18] And now...

Dan McCoy

[4:18] Starring Angelina Jolie getting out of a pool naked.

[4:22] And a bullet that curves around things.

Stuart Wellington

[4:23] Mm-hmm.

[4:24] Right?

[4:24] Yeah, yeah, the movie where at the end the main character tells you that you haven't done

[4:28] anything worthwhile because you haven't shot anybody across the world.

Dan McCoy

[4:31] You're not an awesome hitman like he was.

Elliott Kalan

[4:35] So there's a lot of style in this movie, maybe too much style, and it tries to cover up the

[4:39] fact that there's not a lot of story in this movie, which I will explain thusly.

[4:44] We begin around 1818.

[4:46] Actually, that's not true.

[4:47] We begin in modern day times.

[4:49] Then as Abraham Lincoln narrates, we go back to the 1860s.

[4:53] And then we go back to 1818.

[4:55] This all happens in about a minute and a half.

[4:57] There's no reason for us to start in the present and go to the past.

[5:00] To remind people that the United States has a history.

Stuart Wellington

[5:04] I guess.

[5:05] They're introducing the first character, history.

Dan McCoy

[5:07] To remind people that the Union did not dissolve, that in fact...

Elliott Kalan

[5:11] We still have it.

[5:12] Yeah.

[5:13] So, spoiler alert, Abraham Lincoln was successful in saving the Union.

[5:17] Abraham Lincoln, we go back to 1818.

[5:20] He's about nine years old.

[5:21] And his dad is a poor guy working on a dock or a warehouse or something.

[5:26] And some mean guy is whipping black people.

[5:29] And Abe Lincoln tries to stop him.

[5:32] And he starts whipping baby boy Abe Lincoln.

[5:35] And Abe Lincoln's dad stops the guy from whipping him.

[5:38] And the guy says, I'll get revenge.

[5:40] Next scene.

[5:41] It's nighttime.

[5:42] Abe Lincoln's at his house, I guess, reading by candlelight or something.

[5:45] The guy was always self-educating.

[5:46] Yeah, what a nerd.

[5:47] And a vampire attacks his mom.

[5:49] Gross.

[5:49] And his mom dies of vampire attackism.

[5:52] And he vows that he will kill the man who did this to his mom.

[5:57] Who he does not know at this point is a vampire.

[5:59] Well, but he doesn't know he's a vampire, but he saw him do it.

[6:01] So he knows he's a dude.

[6:03] Now he's an adult.

[6:05] He goes to get his revenge.

[6:06] Shoots the guy in the eye.

[6:08] And he's still alive.

[6:09] He's a vampire.

[6:11] Opens his mouth wide.

[6:12] Big fangs.

[6:12] He's got a monster face.

[6:13] And he's all veiny.

[6:15] Because when vampires get vampire-y, they get veiny.

[6:18] And he's almost killed, but is saved at the last minute by a man named Henry, who teaches

[6:23] him how to be with the cool name of Henry.

Stuart Wellington

[6:26] It plays a pretty fast...

[6:27] They do a lot of shorthand where they're just like, ah, people know what vampires are.

[6:31] Just make them veiny and give them a wacky mouth.

[6:34] Yeah, wacky mouth.

[6:35] Like wax lips.

[6:37] And a big Mick Jagger's Rolling Stone tongue.

Elliott Kalan

[6:39] They like steampunk outfits.

[6:41] Yeah, they all wear sunglasses, even though it's the 1860s.

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:46] And Henry teaches Abe Lincoln how to be a vampire hunter.

[6:50] He says, you can't just do this for vengeance.

[6:52] This is about saving people like you from what happened to you.

[6:56] And mainly being a vampire hunter involves twirling an axe around, like a lot.

[7:01] A lot of drumline type stuff.

[7:03] It's like he's training him to hunt vampires in a parade.

Dan McCoy

[7:06] When you're imagining this movie, imagine that if Abe Lincoln has a spare moment at all, he's

[7:11] twirling an axe around.

Elliott Kalan

[7:13] And as Dan pointed out, we're given no reason to care about this character except that he's

[7:18] Abe Lincoln.

[7:19] And we know that Abe Lincoln is a famous historical figure.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] Otherwise, this guy is a bland cipher.

Elliott Kalan

[7:25] Which is too bad because he's played by Benjamin Walker, who I saw on stage during the off-Broadway

[7:30] run of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson in New York.

[7:32] And he was really good as Andrew Jackson.

[7:34] And maybe it's because that was like a cartoony show and he was allowed to like really be big

[7:41] and like wacky.

[7:42] But he did such a better job of creating a character out of a historical figure that was like lively

[7:47] and interesting.

[7:49] And here he's just like, you might as well have just slapped a beard and a hat on a mannequin.

Stuart Wellington

[7:54] Well, because all the wackiness comes through in like the special effects and the slow-mo action scenes.

[8:00] But it's not supposed to look wacky.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] Like it's supposed to look really cool.

[8:04] The movie is, one of the problems with the movie is that it takes itself really seriously.

[8:09] Or rather, it expects you to take it really seriously.

[8:12] But it doesn't put any effort into earning that seriousness.

[8:15] It's just kind of like, we'll just make it like a grim, serious vampire tale or shit or whatever.

[8:22] They'll just buy it.

[8:23] As long as everything's dark and shot in like golds and grays, people will take it seriously.

Dan McCoy

[8:28] What's dark?

[8:29] Slavery.

[8:30] What else is dark?

[8:31] Vampires.

[8:32] Put them together, it's super dark.

Elliott Kalan

[8:35] So he learns how to fight vampires with an axe.

[8:38] And then he's following the steps of the real Abe Lincoln's life.

[8:41] He goes to Springfield, Illinois.

[8:43] He rooms with his best friend, Joshua Speed.

[8:46] He falls in love with Mary Todd.

[8:50] He meets Stephen Douglas, played by Alan Tudyk.

[8:52] He meets Stephen Douglas, who never really does anything after that.

Stuart Wellington

[8:55] It's too bad.

[8:56] Like, well, you got an Alan Tudyk.

[8:58] You got to use that shit.

[8:59] At least do a debate scene like they debated.

Elliott Kalan

[9:01] It's a major moment in American history.

[9:04] Not as major as awesome axe fights versus vampires.

[9:08] And at the same time Lincoln is becoming Lincoln, he is at night.

[9:11] Henry is sending him letters saying, this dude's a vampire.

[9:14] Go off him.

[9:15] And he does.

[9:16] And he kills like six guys in this town.

[9:17] And no one seems to notice that like the pharmacist and the bank manager are all dying off one by one.

Stuart Wellington

[9:24] The wounds all seem to be made by a tall man, possibly one wearing a top hat.

Elliott Kalan

[9:29] You see the way the axe marks go this way.

[9:32] From that we can tell that he is a rail splitter.

Dan McCoy

[9:35] There's a steampunk David Caruso who's putting on sunglasses and like, this looks like the job of a rail splitter.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Ow!

[9:45] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[9:48] Another vampire killing.

[9:50] I guess it's a case of lies and tooth.

[9:53] Ow!

[9:54] Well, I don't know, David.

[9:56] No, that was okay, right?

[9:57] I mean, there's been a lot of these killings.

[9:59] I don't have a lot of puns.

[10:01] They're calling him David Caruso?

[10:02] The actor's name?

[10:03] Well, just the sound effect calls him that.

Dan McCoy

[10:05] I don't know if that deserves an ow!

Elliott Kalan

[10:08] Oh, David?

[10:09] Please, come on.

[10:10] I have a family.

[10:10] I need to support them.

[10:12] Right?

[10:12] Does he?

[10:13] In the memory of my ancestor, the great Enrico Caruso.

[10:18] You know, the opera singer.

[10:19] Anyway, so he goes through the thing.

[10:22] He marries Mary Todd.

[10:24] His old friend, his old black friend, comes back grown up.

[10:30] Will Johnson.

[10:31] Will Johnson.

[10:32] And he saves him from some slave bounty hunters who are trying to drag him south.

Stuart Wellington

[10:36] A lot of spinning, slapping the guns away.

[10:38] A lot of spinning, slapping guns away.

Elliott Kalan

[10:39] Eventually, Lincoln gets his revenge on the man who killed his mom in, I'm just going to say right now, the only scene I enjoyed in the entire movie.

[10:47] Yeah.

[10:47] And that is because it is a fight between the two characters in the middle of a horse stampede.

[10:52] And they're fighting on the backs of horses.

[10:54] They're picking up horses and throwing them.

[10:56] And by the way, we should mention, Abe Lincoln has super strength because he has the power of truth.

[11:01] Henry, while teaching him, says, I want you to chop down that tree with one swing of your axe.

[11:06] And Abe Lincoln's like, I can't do that.

[11:08] That tree with this blast shield down, I can hardly see anything, let alone hit that tree.

[11:12] And Henry says, it gets him really mad.

[11:16] And eventually, he does it out of truth rage or something like that.

[11:20] He's so angry.

[11:21] Henry tells him he has the power of truth.

[11:23] And he's so mad, he knocks the tree down.

[11:24] And it's one of those things like Dark Knight Rises where it's like, hey, if you want something bad enough, you get super strength.

[11:30] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:30] Of all the things that made me angry in the movie, this might have made me the angriest.

[11:34] Because Abraham Lincoln in this movie is basically a superhero.

[11:37] And we're given no explanation for all of his awesome fighting skills other than, like, man, he just wants it.

[11:44] He just wants it a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[11:45] Apparently, he's awesome, I guess.

[11:46] You would have hoped that he made love to a gypsy and the gypsy gave him the powers.

Elliott Kalan

[11:50] Or he has a magic amulet that he stole off a mummy.

[11:53] Or he got a magical tattoo from a dying shaman.

[11:56] Or like a voodoo priest slave put a spell on him to make him the defender and the champion of the black people of America.

[12:03] Or he's the long-lost descendant of Theseus.

[12:05] Or he's got, like, alien blood from a blood transmission he got from an alien.

[12:09] All of these things.

[12:10] Like, Ob and Sir crashed his ship into Antebellum America and gave Lincoln a bunch of Green Lantern whatevers.

[12:16] All of these things would be preferable.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] As it is, it's like a copy of The Secret fell through a wormhole from our time back to Abe Lincoln's time.

[12:23] And it's just like, man.

[12:24] That's crazy.

[12:25] That's a crazy idea.

[12:26] If I can imagine it, I can have it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] Let's get back to the shame and spell Green Lantern mummy that gives him his powers.

Dan McCoy

[12:31] Yeah, he's just like, oh, I've got the power of furiousness.

[12:35] He's like Mystery Man.

[12:38] Except for it actually works.

[12:39] Like, he smashes through a fucking tree just because he cares so much.

[12:42] And he punches vampires in the face.

Stuart Wellington

[12:44] But he doesn't do it in one stroke.

[12:45] I mean, it takes him like seven swipes.

[12:48] Yeah, but that's because...

Dan McCoy

[12:48] It's just the last one is awesome.

[12:49] No, but that's because he was seeking the right trigger.

[12:52] Oh, okay.

[12:52] The final trigger, he found the power of truth.

Stuart Wellington

[12:54] The subliminal password that he embedded in Abe Lincoln's mind that gives him super strength.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] Yeah, perfect.

[12:58] It's part of what I would call the...

[13:01] Something you see a lot on the internet, which is the awesoming up of things.

[13:05] And I think I may have talked about this in the podcast before that, like, a friend of

[13:08] mine sent me a picture they found on the internet that was Abe Lincoln riding a bear, holding

[13:13] a copy of the Emancipation Proclamation in like an M16 or some kind of automatic machine

[13:18] gun.

[13:18] And they were like, I bet you like this, huh?

[13:20] And I'm like, I don't.

[13:22] Like, that's...

[13:23] Yeah.

[13:23] But what you're basically saying to me is, you don't be more awesome about Abraham Lincoln

[13:27] as if he rode a bear and had a machine gun.

Dan McCoy

[13:29] No, you're wrong.

[13:30] Yeah.

[13:30] Like...

[13:30] It's more awesome that he fought the actual conditions of the time and overcame them.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] And that he did great things through enormous effort and against amazing obstacles and complications.

[13:41] Like, if he can just tap into his inner anger and punch a vampire to death, like, that's

[13:47] not as impressive as if he has to try and work hard to get it.

[13:51] Like, with the Karate Kid, it'd be a lot dumber if Mr. Miyagi was just like, want it.

[13:56] Want it, Daniel-san.

[13:58] Okay, you're good.

[13:59] And then the movie was over and he just beat up everybody from that point on.

Dan McCoy

[14:02] Yeah, well, I mean, like, this is a problem that I've talked about too myself.

[14:04] Like, I feel like if everything's awesome, nothing is awesome.

[14:08] Yeah.

[14:08] Like, you have to have...

[14:10] Like Scott Pilgrim.

[14:11] What?

Stuart Wellington

[14:11] Like Scott Pilgrim, who's the world?

[14:13] That's some people's complaint of the movie.

[14:14] Is that...

[14:15] I mean, I like that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:16] I thought that was fun.

[14:17] But that's...

[14:18] I'm just saying.

[14:18] But he's also a fictional character.

[14:20] Like, you could make a fictional character fairly awesome.

[14:22] But it's like if you...

Dan McCoy

[14:23] But also, I would argue that that's not the case.

[14:25] I mean, like, that has different tones in it.

[14:27] Like, I feel like too many movies now are pitched all at the same level 100% of the way through.

[14:33] Like, 11 the entire time.

[14:34] Yeah.

[14:34] And you look at, like, a great movie, like, that I know both Elliot and I love.

[14:39] Like, the original Taking a Pell in 1, 2, 3.

[14:41] Like, part of what makes that work is, like, it's grounding in some sort of reality.

[14:46] So the awesome parts are more awesome because it comes out of something.

Elliott Kalan

[14:50] And it's awesome that Walter Matthau...

[14:52] Walter Matthau is awesome because he's this kind of dopey guy who manages to do...

[14:56] Who's, like, crafty and does this stuff rather than being, like, a kick-ass fighter.

[15:01] Yeah.

[15:01] That sounds pretty awesome.

[15:02] He's just kind of, like, shuffling around.

[15:04] It would be awesome if Walter Matthau was a kick-ass fighter and maybe, like, Grumpy Old Men was called Grumpy Old Awesome Fighters.

[15:10] And he, like, knew Drunken Style and taught a...

[15:13] Drunken Style's pretty awesome.

Dan McCoy

[15:15] He and Jack Lemmon, Kung Fu fought for Anne Margaret.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] For, like, two hours.

[15:19] Just the whole movie.

[15:22] That would be pretty great.

[15:23] It would be terrible.

[15:24] That'd be a terrible movie.

[15:26] So, you were going to say something, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[15:28] No, I was trying to get you back on track, you crazy guys.

[15:31] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[15:31] Well, anyway, for some reason that I can't quite figure out what happened...

[15:35] Oh, no, okay, I'll say.

[15:36] So, there's this one lead villain vampire, because there's always one lead vampire.

[15:40] Yeah, the guy from Dark City.

Dan McCoy

[15:41] Played by Rufus Sewell.

[15:42] Rufus Sewell.

[15:44] Everyone's most forgettable...

[15:46] Dripping with charisma.

[15:47] ...Australian actor.

Elliott Kalan

[15:48] Who, I will say again, like...

[15:50] English.

[15:50] I think he's probably Australian.

[15:51] I don't know.

[15:52] He's probably Austrian.

[15:53] You know what?

[15:54] Let's just say he's Australasian.

[15:57] How about that?

[15:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:57] I mean, I liked Dark City, and that's about it.

[16:03] I was telling these guys that I saw him on stage in London, and he was not very good.

Elliott Kalan

[16:08] And I saw him on stage on Broadway in New York, and he was great.

[16:11] Really?

[16:12] He was in Tom Stoppard's Rock and Roll.

[16:14] Yeah.

[16:15] I thought he was really fantastic in it.

[16:16] And it's, again, like, to see...

[16:18] It's rare when you see a movie...

[16:19] This is the first I've heard of it.

[16:21] I apologize.

[16:22] I didn't bring this up earlier.

[16:23] Conflict of Interest.

[16:24] I saw him in a play once, and I liked it.

[16:26] This Tom Stoppard sounds like a made-up name to me.

[16:29] Thomas Stopper.

[16:30] You put him in a bottle, and he makes things not pour out of it.

[16:35] It's weird to see a movie like this where it's a really dumb, stupid movie,

[16:39] and you've seen both of the lead actors, the hero and the villain,

[16:43] in plays that you liked a lot and that they were good in.

Dan McCoy

[16:45] It's got a good supporting cast.

[16:47] I mean, like...

[16:48] Eh.

[16:49] I mean, look, I like Alan Tudyk.

[16:52] Yeah, he was awesome.

[16:53] He's barely in it.

[16:53] Who's wasted.

[16:54] He's barely in the movie.

[16:55] But he's in it.

[16:56] And Mary Elizabeth Winstead plays Mary Todd Lincoln, and I like her.

[17:02] They don't give her much to do.

[17:03] I liked her in the aforementioned Scott Pilgrim.

[17:05] I liked her in Death Proof.

[17:07] Like, I think that she is a talented young actor.

[17:08] She's not gross looking.

[17:09] She's not gross looking.

[17:12] And I think she's cute.

[17:13] Yes, that's true.

[17:14] There, there it is.

[17:15] That's what I was reaching for.

[17:17] Yeah.

[17:18] You like to think of me as pervozoid number one,

[17:21] but the best I can say about her is I think she's cute.

[17:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:24] Maybe that says more about her than about you.

[17:26] Sure.

[17:27] Like, would you rather she's just prancing around in a thong slingshot bathing suit, Dan?

[17:31] Would I rather that?

[17:32] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[17:33] Is that what you'd prefer?

[17:34] Would I rather that than watching Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter?

[17:36] Yes.

[17:37] That would be a great movie.

Elliott Kalan

[17:38] That would be not historically accurate.

[17:40] That type of bathing suit was not invented until the 1880s.

[17:43] That would be filed under...

[17:44] Checkmate.

Stuart Wellington

[17:45] That'd be filed under goofs on the IMDb page.

[17:48] Goofs.

Elliott Kalan

[17:49] Mary Todd spends much of the movie in a wicked weasel sling bathing costume,

[17:55] which was not invented in the 1860s.

[17:57] Fair enough.

[17:59] Goofs.

[18:00] Abraham Lincoln is played by a topless woman.

[18:02] Goofs.

Dan McCoy

[18:03] Abraham Lincoln is shown fighting vampires,

[18:05] when in reality, he fought no vampires.

[18:08] Goof.

[18:08] Vampires don't really exist.

Stuart Wellington

[18:12] That's what the IMDb vampires want you to think.

Elliott Kalan

[18:14] Continuity errors.

[18:15] In this scene, Abraham Lincoln is seen fighting a vampire.

[18:19] And in this scene, he's seen not fighting a vampire.

[18:21] But that's not a continuity error.

[18:23] That's just different scenes, IMDb.

Stuart Wellington

[18:26] So there's a point where he gets in a big fight with the boss vamps.

Elliott Kalan

[18:30] He gets invited to go to the boss vampire's house.

[18:33] And he goes there and sees a ball where vampires are just killing black people.

[18:38] And it turns out slavery is, I guess, some kind of plan by vampires to have people on hand that they can eat.

Dan McCoy

[18:45] Yeah, the idea is you can just buy food, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] They don't seem to have any problem finding people to kill the past thousands of years.

[18:51] Yeah, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[18:53] It's just a stupid way of making Confederates into slaves.

[18:56] Or into vampires.

Elliott Kalan

[18:57] It's a very elaborate metaphor to explain to us why slavery is bad.

[19:00] Which it seems like is the movie doing homework it doesn't need to do.

[19:03] Sure.

[19:04] You know what, movie?

[19:05] The vampire thing is a little hard to buy, but I'm ready to buy into the idea that slavery is a bad thing.

[19:08] I'm on board with that already.

[19:10] You know what?

[19:10] I think the year is 2012.

[19:13] The movie came out.

[19:14] Was it this year or last year?

Dan McCoy

[19:16] Last year, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] So 2011.

[19:18] I think America is ready.

[19:19] It was skipped over early this year.

[19:21] America is just ready to take it for granted that slavery is no good.

[19:24] Yeah.

[19:25] Finally.

[19:26] So it gets set up into this Abraham Lincoln versus Rufus Sowell battle of cat and mouse across the decades.

[19:33] Because Abraham Lincoln said, there are other ways to kill vampires.

[19:36] I'll become president and stop slavery.

[19:39] And that will stop the vampires.

[19:41] Yeah.

[19:41] Causing...

Dan McCoy

[19:42] A much simpler way of going about it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] Rather than killing all the vampires, I'll merely...

[19:47] This is a plan that involves me, a backwoods country lawyer who also is a vampire hunter, becoming president of the United States.

Dan McCoy

[19:52] This reminds me of, like, you and I have talked about this when we saw the trailer for National Treasure Books of Secrets.

[19:59] National Treasure Book of Secrets, yeah.

[20:00] National Secrets, the Cinemax version.

[20:03] National Secrets Book of Fletcher.

[20:04] Oh, I need to look at the president's book of secrets.

[20:08] And both of us, when we saw the trailer, thought, like, oh, Nicolas Cage is going to become president.

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] He's going to run for president.

Dan McCoy

[20:13] No, he's just going to kidnap the president.

[20:15] Yeah.

[20:16] Much less fun.

Elliott Kalan

[20:17] Real bummer.

[20:18] So, we get this super quick montage of Lincoln rising through the ranks of politics until there's literally...

[20:24] Old age makeup slowly applied to his face.

[20:25] Shitty old age makeup.

[20:26] The dumbest scene in the movie, which is him striding out to give, I guess, his inaugural address with stovepipe hat, full Lincoln beard, black suit, just slow motion walking towards the camera with this grim look in his face.

[20:40] And it looks like something out of a fucking, like, Funny or Die online video.

[20:45] You know, it's really lame.

[20:46] Anyway, the Civil War starts as it did in real life.

[20:49] But this time...

[20:50] Wait, what?

[20:51] Jefferson Davis makes a deal with vampires.

[20:53] That sounds like that ass wipe.

[20:55] And vampire troops start fighting the Northern Union.

[20:58] So, at Gettysburg, I guess this is where they unveil them.

[21:01] Pickett's charge happens like we know it did.

[21:03] The Pickett's charge is decimated by cannon shot and bullets.

[21:07] And then they get back up.

[21:10] Oh, no.

[21:10] The bullets didn't kill them.

[21:11] And they turn invisible.

[21:12] And then they rush the Union troops and kill them all.

[21:15] Ah, vampire soldiers.

[21:16] You can't kill them.

Stuart Wellington

[21:17] So, yeah, the Union troops should have known something was up when all the Confederate guys have fucking sunglasses on.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] That's the other thing.

[21:24] In this movie, vampires can go out in the sun as long as they're wearing sunglasses and sun cream.

[21:28] Yeah.

[21:29] They all have a sun...

[21:29] That's what it sounds like.

Dan McCoy

[21:30] Ultraviolet is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] Basically.

[21:32] They have a sun lotion they can put on, you know.

[21:34] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[21:35] And we were wondering why the vampires even were at the battle at all.

[21:38] Why didn't they just show up at night and kill everybody when they can't see you?

Elliott Kalan

[21:41] Or why didn't they go to Washington and kill Lincoln?

[21:43] Like, what's the...

[21:44] Why bother to go through the motions of the vampire?

[21:45] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[21:46] Like, this movie has a Bratz-esque time gap in the middle where, like, Lincoln puts down his axe and becomes president.

[21:55] And picks up his ten-year political career.

[21:57] Just like, wait a minute.

[21:59] Did the vampires forget who Lincoln was in between times?

[22:03] And Ruben Sewell was very busy during that time.

[22:07] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[22:07] He was like, I'm going to...

[22:08] We got a lot of things going on.

[22:09] We're going to take over...

[22:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:12] We had to replenish his supply of, like, you know, extras that are vampires.

[22:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:18] I'm going to stop that Abraham Lincoln and take over the nation.

[22:22] Just as soon as I finish reading all of the Tolkien juvenilia I've never picked up.

[22:27] The Silmarillion.

[22:28] You know, I've had it on my shelf for years.

[22:30] It's finally time to sit down and read it.

[22:32] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[22:32] All this stuff that...

[22:33] The complete works of Dickens.

[22:35] All right.

[22:36] Old Curiosity Shop.

[22:38] Page one.

[22:41] Chapter one.

[22:42] Page one.

[22:43] And I'll read...

[22:43] And I'll read it out loud.

[22:44] It's going to take him forever.

[22:45] And I'll read it loud.

[22:46] My throat is so much.

[22:46] He's going to have to wait for his throat to recover.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] Okay.

[22:51] Done with that.

[22:52] Now on to little Dorit.

Dan McCoy

[22:55] Paid by the word he was.

Elliott Kalan

[22:59] So yeah, he takes a long...

[23:00] He waits for Lincoln to get into position.

[23:02] But so what...

[23:03] It's this dumb thing where...

[23:04] That's the problem with the movie is that...

[23:06] The idea of...

[23:07] That's the problem.

[23:08] The singular problem.

[23:09] Well, many problems with the movie.

[23:10] But one of the problems with the story is that rather than letting the existence of vampires

[23:15] distort history in a way that you have the same historical figures but their lives have changed because these vampires,

[23:21] they keep to the real historical record fairly closely in some ways.

[23:26] So like instead of vampires attack and Lincoln instead of becoming president like leads an army or something like that.

[23:33] Or Lincoln is president but that means the vampires attack the north and attack D.C.

[23:37] Instead of going through the battles of Gettysburg and, you know, Vicksburg and stuff like that.

Stuart Wellington

[23:42] They're like, well, the same stuff happened but there were some vampires there.

Elliott Kalan

[23:47] It's like, well, why would vampires bother doing that?

Stuart Wellington

[23:49] Yeah, well, vampires did it.

[23:51] I can stretch my belief to accept that there's vampires.

[23:55] But what I can't stretch my belief is that U.S. history happened in the exact same fashion.

[24:00] With vampires there.

[24:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:01] Well, it's similar to how like the books, like the Anno Dracula books that...

[24:07] Who is it?

[24:08] Kim Newman?

[24:08] Is that his name?

[24:09] Wrote where it's like history goes off on this other tangent because Dracula is real and he introduces vampires to the world.

[24:17] And there's some events that are similar like World War I but they don't have it exactly the same because there's vampires involved.

[24:22] But here it's like, well, I guess if you introduced vampires into American history it would be pretty much the same.

[24:28] There's really no difference between a world with vampires and a world without vampires.

[24:32] It's pretty much the same.

Stuart Wellington

[24:33] If you introduced mummies, merpeople, whatever the fuck.

[24:37] Mer mummies.

[24:37] In the same way.

[24:38] Those are underwater mummies.

Elliott Kalan

[24:40] Those are the grossest mummies.

[24:43] It's so like because the wrappings just absorb water and get really disgusting.

[24:47] Seaweed.

Elliott Kalan

[24:47] Seaweed wrappings.

[24:48] Oh, see a seaweed mummy as a mer mummy is a pretty good idea.

[24:51] Yeah, it's a great idea.

[24:51] I like that.

[24:51] A mer mermaid.

[24:52] Very good skin though.

[24:53] A mer mermaid.

Dan McCoy

[24:54] Wrapped in seaweed.

[24:56] Yeah.

[24:56] They just got great pores.

[24:57] It's delicious.

[24:58] Celebrities pay top dollar for that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] And for some reason they still put cucumbers on their eyes.

[25:04] So Lincoln comes up with an idea.

[25:06] Literally.

[25:07] Oh, and also Lincoln's son is killed by a vampire.

[25:10] That happened.

[25:11] It didn't happen.

[25:12] His son did.

[25:13] And it's one of those things where like one of his sons, I mean all of his children except one died before they reached adulthood.

[25:19] Two died during Lincoln's lifetime.

[25:21] One of them died while he was in the White House.

[25:23] So the movie says that's his only son.

Dan McCoy

[25:25] And as a Lincoln aficionado, you must have really loved that this movie made vampires out to be the culprit.

[25:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:32] That made his death so ironic.

[25:36] The tragedy of this kid's done.

[25:37] It was so not tragic when his son just died of cholera.

[25:41] It was so much more tragic when a vampire vixen dressed as a maid did it.

[25:47] And so then Mary, because Mary Todd can't shoot cholera with a sword from, a tiny sword from her son's toys.

[25:53] She can shoot a vampire vixen.

Dan McCoy

[25:54] You're getting ahead of yourself though.

[25:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] Well, there's not much more to go through.

[25:58] That's true.

Dan McCoy

[25:58] But Lincoln is literally.

[26:00] Lincoln realizes.

Elliott Kalan

[26:01] Lincoln's like, oh, how am I going to stop these vampires?

[26:04] And he's eating with Mary Todd and he's like, oh, and he's waving his fork around and he looks at the fork and he goes, of course, this is what we need.

[26:11] Silver.

[26:12] And he's like, well, good thing he was eating fucking dinner when he was talking about it.

[26:15] Or he never would have remembered that silver kills vampires.

[26:17] Even though his axe has silver on it.

[26:19] And that's how he kills vampires with it.

Dan McCoy

[26:21] He's a professional vampire killer.

Stuart Wellington

[26:23] He wrote it down in his journal.

[26:25] He could just read that any time.

Dan McCoy

[26:26] Oh, that's right.

[26:26] The whole time.

[26:26] His resume reads, rail splitter, vampire killer, president.

[26:31] Like, you should have recalled that from his skills.

Stuart Wellington

[26:33] Not a lot of breaks in that job history.

Elliott Kalan

[26:36] No, well, you never want to see too many empty spaces in a resume.

[26:39] Special skills.

[26:40] See above.

[26:41] Vampire hunting.

[26:42] Objectives.

[26:43] Vengeance.

[26:44] Ridding world of vampires.

[26:45] Where do you see yourself in five years?

[26:47] Hat with a beard.

[26:48] Proficient in vampire killing.

[26:50] And Microsoft Excel.

[26:51] Yeah.

[26:53] So they take all the silver in the country and melt it down.

[26:57] And in the dumbest ploy, Lincoln and his friend Joshua Speed and his friend, his other friend, his name is Will Johnson,

[27:05] staff a train, just the three of them, and decide they're going to, I guess, ride it to the south.

[27:10] Yeah.

[27:10] This train full of silver bullets.

[27:12] I guess hoping they run over some vampires on the way.

Stuart Wellington

[27:16] And...

[27:16] No, they'll ride it into the reactor in the south and it'll explode, spitting hot silver everywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[27:21] Into the reactor.

[27:25] The one that powers the slaves, you know?

[27:27] Yeah, it's in, uh...

[27:29] Because once they blow up the reactor, all the slaves will power down and the south will be defenseless.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] I mean, you think it's full of silver, but it's a decoy.

[27:37] Well, first, it's attacked by a ton of vampires.

Elliott Kalan

[27:40] It looks like Joshua Speed, his best friend, who he literally shared a bed with, but not in a gay way.

[27:45] Or may have been.

[27:46] All the stuntmen in the sky were there.

[27:49] It looks like he betrayed them, and a ton of vampires are jumping on the train.

[27:54] And we learned the thing, what we learned with the movie Legion, which is that, I guess when it's one person against one monster, it's very hard to kill that monster.

[28:01] When it's one person against dozens of monsters, they just fall like flies.

Stuart Wellington

[28:05] And, like, most of them fall for the same trick.

[28:07] Like, they just run right into his axe.

Elliott Kalan

[28:11] It's that thing where he spins his axe around, they just fall down dead.

[28:14] Every time they don't see his axe, they assume he's dropped it.

[28:16] Or maybe they made up the fact that he had an axe, and they imagined that.

[28:20] Nope, axe to the face.

Stuart Wellington

[28:22] I would think after a while, they'd start carrying axes or something.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] But none of them used weapons.

[28:26] Or guns.

[28:27] Well, it's the same thing as in, like, in so many things where it's, like, vampires only use their teeth and their claws.

[28:33] Yeah.

[28:33] But, like, just pick up a gun, guys.

[28:36] Like, Abe Lincoln's a regular guy.

[28:37] Or like a spear.

[28:38] You know what ended up killing Abraham Lincoln?

[28:40] A bullet in the head.

[28:41] Yeah.

[28:41] Spoiler alert.

[28:42] Spoiler alert for history.

[28:44] You don't need any magic.

[28:46] And Will Johnson, his friend, is taking out tons of vampires, too.

[28:49] It turns out you just need to be a dude to take out vampires.

Dan McCoy

[28:52] Turns out fang's a very close-range weapon.

Stuart Wellington

[28:55] Yeah, that's true.

[28:56] What kind of dice would you roll for that, Stuart?

[28:58] For a fang?

[28:59] Yeah.

[29:00] What's the size category of the vampire?

[29:03] Regular.

[29:04] Okay, that's only a four-sided dog.

[29:06] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[29:07] So that's barely nothing.

[29:08] Barely anything.

[29:09] No, not going to do much damage.

[29:10] So Rufus Sewell gets them.

[29:12] They're on a bridge that's on fire.

[29:13] The train is falling down, and Rufus Sewell is like,

[29:15] Ah-ha!

[29:16] I've got you, Lincoln!

[29:17] I've got you!

[29:18] And then he finds the train is just full of rocks.

[29:22] Joshua Speed snookered them.

[29:23] It turns out in a...

Stuart Wellington

[29:25] Should have known from that giant fake beard he was wearing all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] The fakest beard you've ever seen.

[29:30] Let's take a note to point out that this movie has the fakest beards you've ever seen in a movie.

[29:35] People just dip their chin in glue.

[29:38] And then just rub their face against a yak.

[29:40] Like, I think the beard budget for this movie must have been like ten bucks.

Stuart Wellington

[29:45] They leave the extra glue on their face to make them look all old and wrinkly.

Dan McCoy

[29:48] Yeah, dries on there like old skin.

[29:51] They stretch their face, and they use one of those hair dryers to stretch it out.

[29:57] That's a Hollywood trick.

[29:58] Yeah, whatever you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[29:59] Anyway, so it's in a ploy stolen directly from the movie The Road Warrior.

[30:04] This train was a decoy.

[30:06] There was only rocks on it.

[30:07] For weight, I guess.

[30:08] And meanwhile, how's the silver bullets getting to the soldiers in the south?

Dan McCoy

[30:14] There was a different railroad during that time, Elliot.

[30:17] Which is what they say.

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] Because it turns out Mary Todd has been leading the Underground Railroad.

[30:23] And all these freed slaves, I guess, came up to the north and then got silver bullets and then brought them back to the south.

[30:30] The geography doesn't really work out for why the Underground Railroad would be an efficient way to carry bullets.

[30:35] Especially since...

[30:36] A plan faintly simple and it's an intricacy.

[30:38] I wish that they had just gone, there's more than one railroad in the United States.

[30:41] And Lincoln could have said, yeah, we have a huge advantage over the south in just the number of railroads and the miles of track we've laid.

[30:47] We have more than one train.

[30:49] And then just cut to another train zooms by them.

[30:52] And Rufus Sewell shakes his hand at it and goes, ooh!

[30:55] Infrastructure!

[30:56] Infrastructure!

[30:57] You got me again!

[30:59] We vampires know nothing of planning.

[31:02] Physical plant development.

[31:04] But anyway, so the freed slaves have smuggled silver bullets to the Union soldiers.

[31:10] They shoot all the sunglasses wearing vampire Johnny Rebs.

[31:15] And Lincoln kills Rufus Sewell by literally wrapping the chain of a silver pocket watch around his hand and then just punching him so hard his heart comes out.

Stuart Wellington

[31:25] Yeah, he says, give me your silver.

[31:27] And he goes, okay, right here.

[31:29] And punches and kills with it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] Yeah.

[31:30] And then the train is like stumbling along the tracks.

[31:34] Maybe this is right before.

[31:35] And Will Johnson and Lincoln might as well have been going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

[31:39] As they're like running across a train to get off.

[31:43] It enters lethal weapon territory here.

[31:46] It's like Mel Gibson and Danny Glover just like, okay, on three we jump.

[31:51] One, two, three.

[31:53] Jump explosion goes off.

[31:54] I'm getting too old for this.

Dan McCoy

[31:56] This is beyond Looney Tunes level of zaniness.

[32:02] There's like, you got Rufus Sewell, like there's a flaming train.

[32:06] There's flaming struts holding up the train.

[32:09] Rufus Sewell is going down below like kicking out flaming struts.

[32:14] Yeah.

[32:14] It is like those 70 Sam's feet.

[32:16] Not putting a lot of effort into it.

[32:18] Well, he's depressed.

[32:19] Lincoln is on top of the train going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[32:22] And then he like leaps off of one train car and then onto another train car, which is like skidding and like shooting out sparks.

[32:28] And then there's a point where they're like, they're bouncing like on a balance beam, a flaming balance beam that they're walking across.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] And it is the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen.

[32:37] It's easy in a really dumb way.

[32:38] Yeah.

[32:38] Unlike the fight between Lincoln and the man who killed his mother where they're running across the backs of stampeding horses.

[32:44] Flipping horses at each other.

[32:46] Which I'm just going to go out on a limb and say I enjoyed that scene a lot and I thought it was fun.

[32:49] This train scene is not fun.

Dan McCoy

[32:51] If it was a short film, I would enjoy it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] Yeah, if it was a short film called Lincoln fights a vampire with some horses.

[32:57] You would love that.

Dan McCoy

[32:58] I think that was one of Thomas Edison's first films.

Elliott Kalan

[33:01] Went the sneeze, the kiss, and then Lincoln fighting a vampire with some horses.

[33:05] And then a trip to the moon.

[33:07] I know that wasn't really an Edison film.

[33:09] Don't write in, everybody.

[33:11] So they saved.

[33:13] Still an early example of film art.

[33:16] They saved the nation from vampires.

[33:18] And it turned out earlier that Henry, Lincoln's mentor, is a vampire who was made a reluctant vampire and is turned against the vampire kind to help save them by teaching people to become vampire hunters.

[33:28] Because vampires can't kill other vampires for some stupid made-up reason.

[33:32] And so he says to Abe Lincoln, Abe Lincoln literally finishes writing the story in his journal.

[33:36] And then we won the war.

[33:38] The end.

[33:39] Question mark.

[33:39] Or was it?

[33:40] And Henry goes, Abe, let me make you a vampire so we can fight for humanity forever.

[33:46] And he says something like there are more threats out there than vampires.

[33:49] Which is like, so is this going to be like Abe Lincoln?

[33:50] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[33:51] He's like, there's other ways to be immortal than that.

[33:53] Well, he says that.

Elliott Kalan

[33:54] But Henry says there's more threats.

[33:55] And you think like, Abe Lincoln, Minotaur Hunter.

[33:58] Abe Lincoln, Harpy Hunter.

[34:00] Chupacabra Hunter.

[34:00] Abe Lincoln, Chupacabra Hunter.

[34:01] Abe Lincoln, Daikaiju Hunter.

[34:04] You know.

[34:04] All his options.

[34:05] Instead he goes, no, no.

[34:07] There's other ways to be immortal.

[34:08] By which he means history, I guess.

[34:10] And his wife says, because we know it's the end of an Abe Lincoln movie.

[34:13] Mary Todd has to say the thing that she's going to say at the end of Lincoln movies.

[34:17] Abe, we're going to be late for the theater.

[34:20] These tickets are non-refundable.

[34:23] We're seeing our American cousin at Ford's Theater.

[34:27] You know, in the box.

[34:29] And John Wilkes Booth might stop by to put a bullet in your brain.

[34:33] And then you'll die.

[34:35] Okay, Abe, so hurry up.

[34:36] I'll be right there, Mary.

[34:37] I'll be right there.

[34:38] Have you seen my hat?

[34:39] Where's my hat?

[34:40] And then he goes off to the theater.

[34:42] I can't be shot without a hat.

[34:44] He goes off to the theater for the, in my opinion, one of the most tragic moments in American history.

[34:49] And just to be honest, emotionally, here for a moment, I read a lot of books about Lincoln.

[34:52] And every time I get up to that point, there's part of me that wants to, like, reach into the book and pull him out so that he can't get shot.

[34:58] It makes me really sad.

[34:59] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[35:00] That's maybe the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] Really?

[35:03] And I mean that honestly.

[35:04] Really?

[35:05] It just makes me cry every time.

[35:06] But anyway.

[35:07] And it happened in real life, so it's okay to cry about it.

[35:09] It's not like when I cry at the Iron Giant where it's a cartoon.

Dan McCoy

[35:12] You're like, oh, that Iron Giant.

[35:14] Look at it.

[35:15] His head is rolling through the Arctic and screws are coming.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] At that point, I cry out of joy.

[35:20] Yeah.

[35:20] Yeah, exactly.

[35:20] Because he's going to be back.

[35:22] But when he says, when he hears the boy, when he hears Hogarth saying, you are who you choose to be, and he says Superman and then sacrifices his life for humanity.

[35:30] No, but that's also touching, dude.

Dan McCoy

[35:31] That's a different kind of joy.

[35:33] Like, both of them are, like, crying out of joy.

[35:35] Well, I don't cry for joy for that.

[35:37] I cry out of sadness.

[35:38] No, but you're crying for this.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] Wait, are you saying you're crying from joy when Lincoln gets shot?

[35:42] No, I cry for sadness when Lincoln gets shot.

Dan McCoy

[35:45] But you're crying for sacrifice there.

[35:47] You're crying for someone doing something that is great.

[35:50] It's like a Dark Knight Rises thing.

[35:51] Yeah, exactly.

[35:53] To also be sort of serious.

[35:55] Why were you tools to be, Bruce Wayne?

[35:57] To also be sort of serious, I remember reading, I think it was Roger Ebert who said something like, the older he got, like, the more he cried, not at things that were sad, but he cried when people behaved very well.

[36:09] Oh, well, that's not what I do.

[36:10] You know, like, just like the idea, like, I think that as you grow older, you realize, like, how infrequently, like, things turn out for the best and how valuable it is when someone, like, is truly selfless.

[36:26] That's really depressing.

[36:27] And that's, no, but that's more moving to you than, like, oh, like, this depressing thing happened.

[36:32] Like, you learn to deal with depressing things, but you are truly moved by people who do something wonderful.

[36:35] That's a red and butter.

[36:36] That's an interesting point.

Elliott Kalan

[36:38] Maybe.

[36:39] But anyway, the point is, Lincoln's going to die.

[36:41] The point is, this is a comedy podcast, so let's cut that off.

Stuart Wellington

[36:45] Let's talk about the times we cry, guys.

[36:47] This one time I was listening to Wish You Were Here.

[36:50] Oh, shit.

Elliott Kalan

[36:52] This one time I was just listening to the Aerosmith album, Just Press Play.

[36:55] And, uh...

[36:57] This one time I was cutting onions, and guys, oh, boy.

[37:01] Boy, were you crying.

[37:03] Out of joy.

[37:04] Yeah.

[37:04] Anyway, because...

[37:05] I hate onions.

[37:06] Fucking onions.

[37:08] Kill, kill.

[37:09] Anyway, so Lincoln goes and dies, and then we hear his narration.

[37:13] Goes and dies.

[37:14] He does.

[37:15] We hear his narration about how history will not know about the truth about him, and we

[37:21] go to the present day, and suddenly we're in a bar.

[37:24] This is a similar bar to where Henry met Lincoln, and, uh-oh, Henry's about to meet another person

[37:30] in the modern time.

[37:31] Another vampire hunter, I guess.

[37:33] And maybe, just maybe, another president of the United States of America.

[37:38] Credits.

[37:38] Mm-hmm.

[37:39] Yeah.

[37:40] So this is a movie that...

[37:41] It's a cycle.

[37:42] That's a thing.

[37:42] Mm-hmm.

[37:43] This is a movie that takes itself very seriously.

[37:46] It's like Cowboys and Aliens, where it seems to refuse to admit that this is a goofy premise

[37:51] that it's dealing with, but rather than try to earn that seriousness, it just kind of

[37:57] takes it for granted that the audience is with it, and it is wrong to take it for granted,

[38:00] because we're not.

[38:01] It's really stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[38:02] Well, it's a movie that seems to have forgotten that it's selling itself on the fact that it's

[38:07] mashing up two things in the title.

[38:10] Yeah.

[38:10] Like, a title that people are going to read and be like, huh, okay.

[38:15] Sounds goofy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] Awesome.

[38:18] Why is this so somber?

[38:19] And it's not a well-made movie.

[38:21] Like, it's really flashy, but like, in a distracting way.

[38:24] It moves too fast.

[38:25] We don't know the characters.

[38:27] The special effects look fakie.

[38:29] Everything's shot in the same, like, bland, one color at a time style.

[38:33] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[38:34] And it was originally 3D?

[38:37] Maybe?

[38:38] Yes?

Elliott Kalan

[38:38] No?

[38:40] I feel like everything's originally 3D now.

[38:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:42] I mean, it originally was before it was caught on camera.

Elliott Kalan

[38:47] Turned into a two-dimensional film image.

[38:49] But it's one of those...

[38:50] Fun fact.

[38:51] I...

[38:51] When this book first came out, it really bugged me.

[38:54] Because like I was saying earlier, the awesoming up of Lincoln seems unnecessary to me.

[38:57] Like, Abe Lincoln is not made cooler by making him a kick-ass vampire kung fu fighter.

[39:03] It's...

[39:04] What he did was so amazing, and he's such an amazing person, that it kind of detracts from him to turn him into an action figure.

[39:10] But the movie is so dumb, and so, like, not good, that it's hard for me to be mad at it.

[39:15] It would be like being mad at, like, a dog that keeps bumping into a wall for getting the wall dirty.

[39:20] Like, there's obviously a problem with that dog.

[39:23] Let's have pity on it rather than hating it.

[39:27] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[39:28] So, you're saying if the movie had just stuck with Abraham Lincoln as a kung fu fighting president, you would have been okay?

[39:35] No.

[39:35] You didn't need the vampires.

[39:36] No.

Elliott Kalan

[39:37] What I'm saying is, let's just make a movie about Abraham Lincoln for himself.

[39:42] We'll call it Lincoln.

[39:43] We'll have John Williams write the shittiest score he's ever written.

[39:46] And Daniel Day-Lewis will be in it, and everyone will overpraise his performance.

[39:49] But overall, it'll be a good, enjoyable movie.

Stuart Wellington

[39:51] What if they just made a movie about a kung fu fighting vampire hunter who just, ironically,

[39:57] because it's pretty ironic, but he had the same name as the president?

[40:01] That would be fine with me.

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] He's called Abraham Lincoln.

[40:04] He doesn't like it because people make jokes about his name all the time.

[40:07] Yeah, and he's like a horrible liar.

[40:09] And he's also really short.

[40:10] That's the thing.

[40:11] People expect a tall guy when they hear Abraham Lincoln, but he's actually quite short, like Puck from Alpha Flight.

Dan McCoy

[40:16] But he has the same beard.

Elliott Kalan

[40:18] It's just an unlucky thing.

[40:19] Yeah, same beard, same hat.

[40:22] And he's played by Peter Dinklage.

[40:23] Let's just get that out there.

[40:25] He has to be.

Stuart Wellington

[40:25] It's set 20 years in the future from now.

[40:28] Yes.

[40:28] So everybody drives space cars.

Elliott Kalan

[40:30] In the year 2032, everyone drives space cars.

[40:32] No, wait, wait, wait.

Stuart Wellington

[40:33] Slavery has been over for a long time.

[40:34] No space cars.

[40:35] Scratch that.

[40:35] They all fly around in rocket boots.

[40:38] Cars have been destroyed.

Elliott Kalan

[40:39] And kung fu has been forgotten.

[40:41] And so he has to rediscover some ancient scrolls of kung fu to fight vampires who, in this future, don't bite people.

[40:48] They bite computers.

[40:50] They bite computers with their electro teeth and suck money out of them.

[40:55] We call it Midget Abraham Lincoln Robo Vampire Killer with Rocket Boots in the 23rd century.

[41:03] It's because they changed the century numbering system 10 years from now.

Dan McCoy

[41:07] I hate to interrupt your pitch, but we're running long, so let's go to our final judgments.

[41:11] This is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[41:14] Elliot, what do you think?

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] Bad bad movie, but if you can go up on YouTube and see the horse fighting scene, I'd recommend that scene.

Dan McCoy

[41:20] I would say this is a bad bad movie.

[41:22] I actually kind of hated this movie.

[41:24] This movie made me angry just because this is...

[41:28] They put no effort into making you care about any of the characters, and it is, as I said, the problem of, like, let's make everything awesome.

[41:39] And it is awesome in the most surface, irritating, unsatisfying way that you can imagine.

[41:48] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:49] No, yeah, it's a bad, bad movie.

[41:51] I thought things were looking up when there was a topless dead prostitute, but...

[41:55] You were wrong.

[41:56] Yeah, that was just a singular moment.

Elliott Kalan

[41:57] So the high point of the movie for Stuart was the brief shot of a topless dead prostitute.

[42:01] And there was a...

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] We don't even know that she's a prostitute, by the way.

[42:03] It's just a woman who's dead and topless.

[42:06] And I thought it was looking up later on when the hero, Abraham Lincoln, gets saved by his friend who's riding a horse-drawn carriage who drives it through a house window, I guess.

[42:19] And then, like...

[42:20] And then skids on some blood.

[42:22] Skids on some blood.

[42:22] Skids sideways.

[42:24] And knocks the vampire rest who's sitting on top of him.

[42:29] Yeah, it's awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] So, bad, bad movie.

[42:32] Dan?

[42:32] Mailbag?

Dan McCoy

[42:33] Before we move on to the mailbag, just on behalf of all things comedy, our comedy collective friends, I want to say that Tom Segura is doing an hour-long comedy special December the 4th at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank.

Elliott Kalan

[42:50] One day after my birthday.

[42:51] Go to Burbank and celebrate my birthday over there.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] If you want to be on the guest list for said show, if you are in the Burbank area, email Tom at TomSegura at me.com.

[43:06] That's all one word?

[43:07] Yes.

[43:08] With how many tickets you want.

[43:10] And write December 4th in the subject line.

[43:14] And there you go.

[43:15] And just on the note of other podcasts on the network, I would say, why don't folks check out Minivan Men with our friend Al Madrigal?

[43:26] Or as fans of the show might know him, Owl Madrigal.

Stuart Wellington

[43:31] A.K.A. Owl Magical.

[43:33] I don't know where they would have gotten that idea.

Dan McCoy

[43:36] Minivan Men.

[43:37] Rated R.

[43:41] But now, let's move on to the Flophouse movie mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[43:46] We don't have time for a song, so I'll just sing one later in your dreams.

Dan McCoy

[43:51] This one is from Haral LastnameWithheld.

[43:56] He says,

[43:57] Dear Flophouse and Cat,

[44:01] I'm just writing to...

[44:01] I don't know which cat he's talking about.

[44:03] Well, we're all a bunch of cool cats.

[44:05] I'm just writing to express my appreciation to the Flop crew and cat for helping ease the recent transatlantic flight I had.

[44:11] For some reason, the stewardesses were giving away free booze, and the man sitting next to me immediately chugged half a dozen beers,

[44:19] at which point the stewardesses, seeing his seatback pouch bulging with crushed cans, cut him off,

[44:24] then spent the eight hours alternating between haranguing me about the importance of backing up digital files

[44:30] and complaining that the stewardesses wouldn't give him more Coors Light.

[44:33] I gotta say...

[44:34] Sorry, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[44:35] Yeah, who was...

[44:36] Why was...

[44:36] That's a stewardess.

[44:38] I gotta say, as far as obliant trunks to deal with,

[44:41] just telling you to back up your files is a pretty best case scenario.

Dan McCoy

[44:45] He kept talking to me even when I pretended to sleep,

[44:48] and the only movies available were Battleship and One Thousand Words.

[44:52] Ooh.

[44:53] Luckily, I had your podcast on the same movies,

[44:57] and was thus able to escape into a magical world of flop cats and words that sound like other words

[45:02] until the plane landed.

[45:04] Thanks again.

[45:05] That's from Haral.

[45:07] Last name.

Elliott Kalan

[45:08] Thank you very much for listening and writing in.

[45:09] We're glad we could help make that unpleasant situation a little less unpleasant.

Stuart Wellington

[45:13] It seems strange, though, if they're giving out free booze,

[45:15] so this guy got tanked on Coors Light, which is a lighter beer.

[45:20] You'd think he would be drinking liquor.

[45:21] He did have six of them, it sounds like.

[45:22] That's still not enough.

[45:23] Oh, really?

Elliott Kalan

[45:24] I think it's weird that they just kept giving him cans,

[45:27] and he would just shove them into the pocket.

[45:30] That's a lot.

[45:31] That's a lot of cans to shove into the pocket.

Dan McCoy

[45:32] Yeah, like you're stuffing them under a rug or something.

[45:36] Dan?

[45:37] This next email is from Danny of the Thor's House of Thunder podcast, he says.

[45:44] Oh, it's a Norse podcast.

[45:45] Yeah, he says,

[45:47] I'm first this time.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] Yeah, they saved the best for last.

[45:52] Oh, wait.

[45:53] Wait, tall we sound?

[45:55] Accurate.

[45:55] And I'm last?

[45:56] Yeah, no, that's, yeah.

[45:57] But I've got the, I've got the, I've got the voice of a man ten times my height.

Dan McCoy

[46:03] No, it doesn't work.

[46:04] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[46:05] They call me Giant Voice.

[46:07] Hello, down there.

Dan McCoy

[46:09] Danny says,

[46:10] My roommate happens to own a copy of Invisible Maniac.

[46:14] Lucky you.

[46:15] I finally got around to watching it.

[46:18] I found it as awesomely ridiculous as Stuart had made it out to be, and as full of gratuitous nudity as Dan had described.

[46:25] The one thing neither of you had prepared me for, however, was how incredibly low the production values were.

[46:31] While this just added to the charm, I'm still wrapping my head around why that video box cover photo shoot looks like it must have cost more to produce than the entire film.

[46:39] I asked my roommate why he owned this film, and he explained that he was walking down the street one day and came upon a cardboard box full of VHS tapes, including this one, which seems to be the most proper way to come into possession of this film.

[46:55] Cheers, Danny.

[46:56] Cheers, Danny.

[46:56] P.S. I'd like to request Elliot make up even longer songs for the mailbag.

[47:00] Those are great, especially because of Dan's exasperated reactions.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] Yeah, it's a two-man bit.

[47:05] We don't have time this time, but next time I'll make sure I do an extra long one, like the Inagata DeVita of mailbag songs.

[47:12] Yeah.

[47:13] You know what? The thick is a brick of mailbag songs, both sides.

Stuart Wellington

[47:16] Yeah, I'm, uh, every day I go walking down the street, I hope that I'm going to pass a cardboard box with a copy, a VHS copy of Invisible Maniac in it.

[47:27] Looks like he stole your dream. Danny stole your dream.

Dan McCoy

[47:30] Danny's roommate stole my dream.

[47:31] Danny's roommate stole your dream.

[47:32] I want a DVD copy of Invisible Maniac, but they would have to issue one.

[47:36] Sure, I would like a fucking Blu-ray version.

Elliott Kalan

[47:38] You know what? I'd like a holodeck adventure where you can be the Invisible Maniac.

[47:43] And shoot him with a Tommy gun.

[47:46] You're Sherlock Holmes in the gangster era.

Dan McCoy

[47:51] Fair enough.

[47:53] This is from John, last name withheld.

[47:56] He says...

[47:56] I'm just going to assume it's Juan, John Juan.

[47:59] It's titled...

[47:59] DeMarco.

[48:00] Instant Humility.

[48:02] Hey, Flophouse, you guys are great.

[48:05] Hey, thanks.

[48:06] My wife and I are big fans, and I've learned a bit about cinematography by listening to your podcast.

[48:10] I don't understand that, you know?

[48:12] Mostly we just say things look boring.

[48:15] Everyone is allowed to have artists on their playlist they're a bit ashamed of liking.

[48:19] Mine is Alanis Morissette.

[48:21] What movies do each of you like but are slightly ashamed of liking?

[48:26] I don't mean the ones you know are bad and revel in liking, but the ones you feel slightly

[48:30] uncomfortable admitting you actually really unironically respected.

[48:34] Oh, respected.

[48:35] Because I was like...

[48:36] R-O-C-K in the USA says John.

Elliott Kalan

[48:38] I'm glad he signed off the proper way.

[48:41] R-O-C-K in the USA to you too, my friend.

[48:45] I mean, the movies I'm most embarrassed about liking are like, you know, Cinemax bikini

[48:49] movies, I guess.

[48:49] But that doesn't seem to be what he's asking.

Dan McCoy

[48:51] No, you think...

[48:52] The ones that you actually like but have a slight twinge of dismay.

[48:56] You're not just watching for the boners.

Stuart Wellington

[48:57] Oh, okay.

[48:58] Just a heart boner maybe, or a brain boner.

[49:00] I've got one.

[49:01] Brain boners with John Turturro?

[49:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:04] I've got one that I will admit that I came into possession of a Best Buy gift certificate

[49:12] recently, and I spent part of it purchasing a Blu-ray of Neil Marshall's Doomsday, a film

[49:21] that I enjoy much more than I feel like the general public does.

[49:25] The general public thinks of it as kind of a weird...

[49:29] But there's no shame in that.

[49:31] John Carpenter trashy knockoff, whereas I'm like, hey, John Carpenter trashy knockoff.

[49:38] And I enjoy that movie quite a bit.

Stuart Wellington

[49:42] Yeah, I mean, as somebody who also owns Doomsday, I mean, I appreciate it for Rona Mitra's ass

[49:49] in pants, which the trailer suggested.

[49:52] Yeah.

[49:53] Suggested.

[49:55] Suggested.

Dan McCoy

[49:55] Suggested that you would see a woman's ass fully clothed.

[49:59] A subtle whisper.

Elliott Kalan

[50:00] I showed her from the front in pants, and the narration said, want to guess what's on the

[50:04] other side?

[50:05] You'll find out in Doomsday.

[50:09] See the back of this.

Stuart Wellington

[50:11] Oh, man.

[50:12] It's tough.

[50:13] Like, I'm sure if I went through my DVD collection, there'd be a bunch of movies in there that

[50:17] I'd be slightly embarrassed by owning.

[50:19] There'd be...

Elliott Kalan

[50:20] Yeah, I have to assume I have something like that.

[50:22] But, like, it's hard for me to think of a movie that I'm embarrassed about liking a

[50:26] little bit because I'm willing to...

[50:29] Because you have no shame.

[50:30] Well, kind of.

[50:31] When it comes to movies, like, if I like something, I like it.

[50:33] And I...

[50:35] If...

[50:35] Maybe I'll defend it, feel defensive if other people are attacking it.

[50:38] But, like, there's no...

[50:40] There's no...

Elliott Kalan

[50:40] There's no...

[50:40] It's hard for me to think of a movie that's, like, a real...

[50:42] What they would call a guilty pleasure, where, like, I feel guilty when I watch it or

[50:45] anything.

[50:45] No, no.

[50:46] But I have movies that I...

[50:47] Because even if I watch trash and I enjoy it, like, it's still...

Dan McCoy

[50:51] No, there's a difference between, like, guilty pleasure and I have movies where I actually

[50:55] think that this is legitimately, like, a movie that is worthy of enjoyment, but other people

[51:02] don't agree with me.

[51:03] And I'm on the defensive a little bit about it.

[51:06] Like, another one...

[51:07] I mean, I love In the Mouth of Madness, so that's kind of that situation.

[51:09] That's true.

[51:10] Another one that, like, comes to my mind is...

[51:14] I have in my DVD collection Shanghai Nights.

[51:19] Yeah, that's true.

[51:20] Okay, there.

[51:21] That fits that.

[51:21] People are big fans...

[51:22] Like, people...

[51:23] Like, it's weird.

[51:24] People really like Shanghai Noon, but for whatever reason, they're like, Shanghai Nights?

[51:30] Whereas I'm like, no, I really enjoy that movie.

[51:33] I think that is the feel-good comedy of 2002.

[51:37] Like, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[51:38] I mean, I'm not gonna argue with you on that one.

[51:39] Yeah.

[51:40] I don't remember any 2002 comedies.

Dan McCoy

[51:42] I guess...

[51:43] At the end, you know, like, they're...

[51:44] Like, you got Owen Wilson and Jackie Chan fighting Tommy Carchetti.

Stuart Wellington

[51:50] Come on.

[51:51] In Big Ben.

[51:52] What's wrong with that?

[51:53] They're fighting a guy named Big Ben.

[51:55] He's a big guy named Ben.

Dan McCoy

[51:56] They're fighting the guy who played Tommy Carchetti in The Wire in Big Ben.

[51:59] Wait, they're inside the bell?

Elliott Kalan

[52:01] Because Big Ben is the name of the bell, not the clock.

Dan McCoy

[52:04] The fucking Victoria Tower, whatever it's called now.

Elliott Kalan

[52:07] It's called the Elizabeth Tower.

[52:09] Yeah.

[52:10] Because they named it after the current queen.

[52:12] It's too rad?

[52:12] Yeah.

[52:12] What were you gonna say?

Stuart Wellington

[52:13] I was just saying, like, I mean, I bought Hot Tub Time Machine, mainly because it reminds

[52:19] me of Ski Patrol and Ski School.

Elliott Kalan

[52:23] I guess I would say, like, maybe, like, old movies that are kind of... that are pretty

[52:27] racist, but I still enjoy them.

[52:28] So, like, there's an Edward G. Robinson movie called The Hatchet Man, where he is a Chinese

[52:33] assassin for a tong.

[52:35] And every character...

[52:36] Every background character is a real Asian person.

[52:39] And every main character is obviously a white person in yellow face.

[52:43] And, like, it's pretty objectively racist, but, like, I still enjoy it as, like, a film noir

[52:48] set in a different... not a film noir, but, like, a melodrama set in a different setting

[52:52] than normal.

[52:53] And Edward G. Robinson is good in it, you know.

Dan McCoy

[52:54] Or A Day at the Races, where they have a set piece called All God's Children's Got Rhythm.

Elliott Kalan

[52:59] It's... that's such a terrible scene, though.

[53:02] Like, you could take that out of the movie, and it would make it a better movie, not even

[53:05] because of the racism.

[53:05] Just because it makes no sense.

[53:07] The idea that Harpo is this magic sprite that makes black people dance, you know, is...

[53:11] And the Marx Brothers put blackface on for, like, two seconds, and then they wipe it off

[53:16] as quick as possible.

[53:17] Like, you know that they were like, this is not cool.

[53:20] Yeah.

[53:20] They did it anyway.

Dan McCoy

[53:22] Last letter...

[53:23] So I'd say The Hatchet Man.

[53:25] Last letter of the evening tonight...

[53:27] I don't know why I'm saying the evening tonight, because you could be listening to this podcast

[53:30] at any time.

[53:31] Maybe you're listening to it at lunch.

[53:32] You should listen to it at 8 a.m.

[53:34] You should really listen to it at night, because it's sexier at night.

[53:37] Yeah.

[53:38] Awesome.

[53:40] This is the awesome episode.

[53:42] Okay, so...

[53:43] Next awesome letter?

Elliott Kalan

[53:43] If this was a Space Ghost episode, the title would be Awesome.

Dan McCoy

[53:46] This is called Some Quick Thoughts, and it's from David, Elliot's brother, last name with

[53:52] hell.

[53:52] Oh, God!

Elliott Kalan

[53:54] And he says...

[53:56] Who will save me from this turbulent brother?

[53:58] He says...

[54:00] Howdy, floppers.

[54:02] I know I was...

[54:02] I feel like he is officially our arch-nemesis now.

[54:05] And then when he says, howdy, floppers, it's like the Joker just sent a recording to Commissioner

[54:09] Gordon's office.

[54:11] Hello, Commissioner!

[54:12] Perhaps we'll play a little game today.

[54:14] Hello, bats!

Stuart Wellington

[54:14] Like, you're reading this letter...

[54:16] Howdy, bats!

[54:16] Like, the letter's written in blood or something.

Elliott Kalan

[54:18] Yeah.

[54:18] It has an ear in it, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:20] Sure.

[54:21] He says, howdy, floppers.

[54:22] I know I was specifically told not to write in...

[54:24] How did I get into your system?

[54:25] Perhaps you're wondering.

[54:28] I was told not to write in about the Pittsburgh Pirates.

[54:30] Please don't.

[54:31] But if you leave a piece of bait hanging on the hook like that, of course I'm going to nibble.

[54:35] I'll keep it short, though.

[54:36] There is no nickname whatsoever for the Pirates fan base that I'm aware of in any way.

[54:40] I will say, however, that PNC Park, the Pirates' home stadium, is my absolute favorite ballpark

[54:46] that I've been to in the majors.

[54:48] Ugh!

[54:48] The statues Elliot mentioned are actually pretty impressive, particularly the one beyond left

[54:53] field of Roberto Clemente.

[54:54] I agree, though, that it would have been pretty awesome if the statues had come to life in

[54:58] the movie, because one of the statues is just a cast of Hall of Famer Ralph Kinnear's hands

[55:03] holding a baseball bat, and it's the silliest statue I've ever seen in a major league park,

[55:09] and I've seen a lot of them.

Elliott Kalan

[55:11] Yeah, his dream is to go to see every major league sports team in its home stadium.

Dan McCoy

[55:15] I'm very curious as to what would have happened if a random pair of hands had come to life.

[55:20] Would they have caused a ruckus with that baseball bat and been able to move around independently?

[55:25] I mean, I don't know.

[55:25] A whole odd thing from the Addams family?

[55:27] Or would they have just laid on the concrete, bleeding like an actual chopped off hand's foot?

[55:32] In addition, I was excited.

[55:35] In addition?

[55:36] I was excited by the discussion of fictional movies we would all want to see, though I was

[55:40] disappointed that not only that Elliot picked a movie that only he would pick for

[55:45] obvious reasons, but that you did not mention my first choice, or at least not directly.

[55:50] You did bring up several of the movies Troy McClure starred in on The Simpsons.

[55:55] However, my personal choice would have been Leopard in the Backfield.

Elliott Kalan

[55:59] They show you a little clip of that.

[56:00] He catches the ball and then his arm falls off.

Dan McCoy

[56:02] In real life, that movie would have been rife with possibilities, says David Kalin, last name with help.

Elliott Kalan

[56:08] So is David like a co-host now?

[56:11] What's the deal?

[56:12] I don't understand.

[56:13] He's answering letters that other people wrote in.

[56:16] He's the corrector, but then he took part in a little bit of a bit that someone else asked

[56:19] us.

[56:20] He is the corrector.

[56:21] I didn't realize that.

[56:22] All this time, I thought the corrector, but what Elliot doesn't know is the corrector

[56:25] is actually his brother, David.

[56:27] Yeah.

[56:28] You're like twins.

[56:29] His long lost brother.

Stuart Wellington

[56:30] You're like those stupid twin superheroes we talked about before where they need...

[56:34] I don't remember.

Elliott Kalan

[56:35] Which one is that?

[56:35] I don't fucking know.

[56:36] Fafner?

Stuart Wellington

[56:38] Like North Star and the other...

[56:39] And Aurora?

[56:40] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:40] No, but they don't need each other, I don't think.

[56:42] I think they do.

[56:44] So...

[56:45] Well, thanks, Dave, for writing in.

[56:47] If only for the image of two hands suddenly coming to life and just bleeding out.

[56:52] That would be horrific.

Dan McCoy

[56:57] You got the people coming out who normally put the tarp over the field.

[57:01] They're just putting a tarp over these big bloody hands.

Stuart Wellington

[57:04] So wait, when they came to life, they'd be like flesh and blood?

[57:07] Or were they going to be like the brass or whatever the fuck they're made out of?

Elliott Kalan

[57:10] I imagined it being like, yeah, like they're just living statues.

[57:14] They don't come to flesh and blood life.

[57:15] Because then you'd have these baseball players being like, where am I?

[57:18] How did I get here?

[57:19] Or maybe they're just like, they've just been born and they have the bodies of adult baseball

[57:24] players, but the minds of babies, you know, or something.

[57:26] And they're just pooping all over themselves.

[57:28] But I assumed it was like, you know, like clockwork statues or something like that.

[57:32] You know, like golems.

[57:34] They'd be baseball golems.

[57:35] Like the fantasy sequences from Heavenly Creatures.

[57:38] Exactly.

[57:38] And there's your movie to pitch, Baseball Golem.

[57:41] Is it an adaptation of James Term's comic, The Golem's Mighty Swing?

[57:45] No.

[57:45] There was no real golem in that story.

[57:47] This would be a real golem who plays baseball, modern day.

[57:51] Sure.

[57:51] They find the golem of Prague.

Stuart Wellington

[57:53] And he's defending a ghetto by playing baseball?

Elliott Kalan

[57:56] Yes, exactly.

[57:57] They're going to shut the ghetto down if it doesn't win this charity baseball game and

[58:00] build a condo on it.

[58:02] Also, it's a bikini ghetto.

Stuart Wellington

[58:05] It's called Bikini Ghetto.

[58:07] Bikini Ghetto meets the baseball golem.

[58:09] And can I be the evil land developer finally?

[58:12] You've got to be.

[58:12] The evil land developing strangler?

[58:14] You've got to be.

[58:15] And Mickey Rourke plays the golem.

Dan McCoy

[58:17] All right.

[58:18] So guys, quickly, before we go, let's briefly recommend some movies that we saw recently,

[58:26] or not so recently, that we actually liked as an antidote to Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

Elliott Kalan

[58:33] I like you brought that up as if you just came up with that idea, even though it's something

[58:36] we do every episode.

Dan McCoy

[58:40] Stuart, do you have a recommendation you'd like to put forth to Flothouse Nation?

[58:44] Fine.

Stuart Wellington

[58:46] Yeah, no, I'll recommend.

[58:47] I recently watched the Australian torture porn movie, The Loved Ones.

[58:54] And unlike a lot of...

[58:56] It's a little bit flashier.

[58:59] The cinematography is better than a lot of that type of stuff.

[59:03] The soundtrack is more interesting.

[59:06] And it's quite beautiful and horrific at the same time.

[59:11] So, yeah.

[59:12] Watch it.

[59:12] It's pretty gross.

[59:13] It makes you want to barf.

[59:14] And it's not the 60s movie, The Loved One.

[59:16] No, it's The Loved Ones, because there's multiples.

Elliott Kalan

[59:18] And it's not the English sitcom, The Young Ones.

Stuart Wellington

[59:21] No, it's definitely not that.

[59:23] And it's not the comic, Love Is.

Elliott Kalan

[59:25] It might be.

[59:27] And it's not the TV show, Love American Style.

[59:30] It could be.

[59:31] And it's not the 60s movie, Divorce Italian Style.

[59:34] It probably is.

Dan McCoy

[59:36] Okay.

[59:37] Then I think we've figured it out.

Stuart Wellington

[59:38] So, Stuart recommends Divorce Italian Style.

[59:41] It's gross, and there's a lot of torture in it.

Dan McCoy

[59:44] So, I would like to recommend, and I think that Stuart may be recommended this already.

[59:49] But who cares?

[59:51] I don't care.

[59:52] I'm going to recommend The Raid Colon Redemption.

[59:55] I think somebody recommended it.

[59:56] Well, maybe they didn't.

[59:57] The Indonesian martial arts film.

[1:00:00] Crazy not to.

[1:00:02] If you want to see a movie where a guy punches his way through an entire building.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:06] The Welsh-directed Indonesian.

[1:00:09] Was it Welsh-directed?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:10] Yeah, the director is Welsh, I believe.

[1:00:11] All right.

[1:00:12] But it takes place in Jakarta.

[1:00:14] If you want to see a movie where a guy punches his way through an entire building, then this

[1:00:18] is the movie for you.

[1:00:19] Yeah.

[1:00:19] It is kind of funny.

[1:00:21] By the way, when you're talking about punches his way through a building, I realize

[1:00:24] there comes a point in the middle of the movie where people stop shooting at each

[1:00:28] other, and they start punching at each other.

[1:00:30] And I'm like, I'm not sure why this switchover happened.

[1:00:33] Like, why both sides agreed to put the guns down and start fighting kung fu style.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:38] And honestly, there comes a part about two-thirds of the movie where you're like, wow, they're

[1:00:41] really still punching each other.

[1:00:42] It's really still punching.

[1:00:44] There's one fight scene in particular where it's two guys on one guy that goes on an amazingly

[1:00:48] long time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:49] That was the part your wife liked the best, right?

[1:00:52] Yeah.

[1:00:52] She didn't watch the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:54] I mean, the part she liked best was that she didn't have to watch it.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:57] Speaking of wives, though, like, I was enjoying this movie, but I think that my wife enjoyed

[1:01:01] it almost as much hearing me react to the movie from the other room.

[1:01:06] Because there was a lot of like, ah!

[1:01:08] Ooh!

[1:01:09] Oh my god.

[1:01:10] Oh my god.

[1:01:11] Oh god.

[1:01:12] So you really orgasmed over this movie, huh?

[1:01:14] Well, there was some horrible things that happened in this movie.

[1:01:17] You get to orgasms.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:18] And there's one scene in particular that has a suspense moment that I've never seen in

[1:01:22] a movie before that I'm not going to say much about, but involves a machete.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:26] Yeah.

[1:01:27] That's pretty good.

[1:01:27] All the best moments in a movie involve machetes.

[1:01:30] Duh.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:31] Except the movie Machete, which is weird.

[1:01:32] Yeah.

[1:01:33] If you like things that are awesome, the raid colon redemption is for you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] It's an awesome movie, and it's got raids and redemptions.

[1:01:42] I'm going to recommend two things, a movie and a non-movie book.

[1:01:46] What?

[1:01:48] But don't worry, the book's about movies.

[1:01:49] It's just not a movie.

[1:01:50] Oh, fine.

[1:01:51] The movie is one that I watched recently that's, hey, surprise, it's a 30s musical comedy.

[1:01:56] Hey, what a surprise.

[1:01:57] It's a...

[1:01:58] The happiest millionaire, whatever the fuck we watch.

[1:02:00] Yeah, that's what it is.

[1:02:01] It's about a boxer who raises crocodiles.

[1:02:04] It's called Boxer Crocodile in the World of the Past.

[1:02:07] This is an Ernst Lubitsch film called One Hour With You, starring Maurice Chevalier and

[1:02:12] Jeanette McDonald.

[1:02:13] And it is a trim 79 minutes of a movie.

[1:02:17] I like that.

[1:02:19] It actually, even for a movie that's short, drags slightly near the end, but it's a lot

[1:02:23] of fun.

[1:02:24] It's very funny, and it is a very strong example of a pre-code movie.

[1:02:28] Before the production code came in, all the characters are talking about sex all the time.

[1:02:33] And it's basically a movie about a Frenchman trying to decide whether he should cheat on

[1:02:37] his wife or not when it seems like his wife is actively pushing him towards it inadvertently

[1:02:41] without knowing it.

[1:02:43] And there are a number of scenes.

[1:02:44] There's some funny songs in it and some very funny moments in it.

[1:02:47] And a lot of scenes where Maurice Chevalier addresses the character directly, addresses the camera

[1:02:52] directly in a way that is very, feels very modern and is very funny.

[1:02:57] And I liked it a lot.

[1:02:58] It's a Lubitsch movie I've never really heard much about, but it's out on DVD called One

[1:03:02] Hour With You.

[1:03:03] I'd recommend that.

[1:03:04] And also, I'm going to go to the Flophouse Book Club for a moment and recommend a book.

[1:03:09] Doesn't exist.

[1:03:10] A book for all you movie lovers out there called The Studio by John Gregory Dunn.

[1:03:15] In case you haven't read it, it's a book.

[1:03:18] John Gregory Dunn, the writer, former spouse of Joan Didion, current dead guy.

[1:03:23] He, before he became a successful screenwriter himself, he basically said in the late 60s to

[1:03:30] Richard Zanuck, the vice president of 20th Century Fox, I want to write a book about your

[1:03:34] studio.

[1:03:34] Can I have total free access to every part of your studio for a certain amount of time?

[1:03:39] Talk to anyone?

[1:03:41] Just be anywhere and talk to anyone.

[1:03:42] They were like, yeah, sure.

[1:03:43] Why not?

[1:03:44] And so he wrote this book with unfettered access of just about how a movie studio worked in

[1:03:50] the late 60s.

[1:03:51] And it's really cool.

[1:03:51] It's a great snapshot of a time when the old guard of movies was changing, but the new guard

[1:03:56] hadn't come in yet.

[1:03:58] And from the old guard's point of view, which makes it even more valuable because so many books

[1:04:02] now I feel like are written from the point of view of the new Hollywood and not the old.

[1:04:06] And a lot of it is around the making of Dr. Doolittle and Planet of the Apes when both those

[1:04:12] movies seemed like crazy risks.

[1:04:15] They thought Dr. Doolittle was going to be their big prestige hit, and they thought Planet

[1:04:18] of the Apes was going to be this crazy movie about apes and had no idea which one was going

[1:04:21] to be successful or not.

[1:04:22] And so the studio by John Gregory Dunn, who according to Wikipedia is the uncle of Dominic

[1:04:34] Dunn.

[1:04:34] No, it's brother Dominic Dunn and uncle of Griffin Dunn.

[1:04:38] Wow.

[1:04:39] So.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:40] After Hours star, Griffin Dunn.

[1:04:42] Oh, and uncle of Dominique Dunn of Poltergeist.

[1:04:44] Rotting corpse from American Werewolf of London, Griffin Dunn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:48] So if you've ever said to yourself, I like Griffin Dunn in An American Werewolf of London,

[1:04:52] but what's his uncle's book like?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:54] Director of that one weird romantic comedy with Meg Ryan and Matthew Broderick, Griffin

[1:05:02] Dunn.

[1:05:02] Addicted to love?

[1:05:03] Yeah, that's it.

[1:05:04] Oh, I didn't realize that.

[1:05:04] Yeah, he directed that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:05] And just like that guy, we're all done.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:08] Yeah, we are all done.

[1:05:11] I was racking my brain to come up with an awesome segue.

[1:05:14] There was just a great outline.

[1:05:16] Why are you still talking?

[1:05:17] All right.

[1:05:18] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:21] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:05:22] And I'll always be Elliot Kalin.

[1:05:24] You can't change that.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:25] Good night, everyone.

[1:05:26] All done.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:32] Yeah, so you get a little bit of Twin Peaks connection there.

[1:05:35] Yeah.

[1:05:35] Boner files.

[1:05:37] People who love boners.

[1:05:39] File this one in the boner files.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:41] Mysterious cases about boners that can't be explained through ordinary explanations.

[1:05:46] A mysterious affair at boners.

[1:05:48] The erection is out there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:49] Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:53] That's slapping in boners.

[1:05:56] When I was a child, I saw my sister abducted by boners.

[1:06:00] Since then, I've tried to prove the truth about boners.

[1:06:03] Sure, this is your character, Fox Boner.

[1:06:06] Yep.

[1:06:08] I like him, okay.

[1:06:08] And his sidekick, Boner Scully.

[1:06:11] Let's do this.

[1:06:12] It's hot.

[1:06:13] Of course, there's FBI Assistant Director Boner.

[1:06:16] And the boner smoking man.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:19] Very, very clever stuff.

The Flop House: Episode #115 - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

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