The Flop House: Episode #116 - Rock of Ages

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Are you ready to the Broadway equivalent of rock?

[0:03] In this episode, we discuss rock of ages.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:35] Over here is Elliot Kalin. And why am I saying my name second when usually I say my name third?

Hallie Haglund

[0:40] Because I'm Hallie Haglund. I'm here.

Dan McCoy

[0:46] I guess the logic flows there.

[0:50] Fan favorite, special guest, Hallie Haglund is back.

Hallie Haglund

[0:54] Fan fiction favorite. We got your great stories, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] Because Stuart had to...

[1:02] Work.

[1:02] Yeah. There's no exciting story behind why he's not here.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05] Look, we could tell a glamorous tale about Stuart being out on some adventure, seducing women, rescuing the house cat from kidnappers, who knows?

[1:13] Globe trotting.

[1:14] Globe trotting and trot globing. But no, he's just working tonight.

Dan McCoy

[1:19] But we got our old buddy Hallie back.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] You may remember her from the Zookeeper episode.

Hallie Haglund

[1:24] I'm not getting any younger, let's be honest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] None of us are except Benjamin Button.

[1:30] Yeah, but he's gross.

[1:32] He is gross.

[1:33] Since he is an old man trapped in a baby's body.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] But it's reset for new listeners or old listeners who like to hear the same thing every time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:43] Nope, nobody does.

[1:44] This is the part of the show that reminds me of the opening to every Encyclopedia Brown book,

[1:48] where they have the same two pages that explain the premise of Encyclopedia Brown.

[1:53] And be like, can we just get on with the story already?

Dan McCoy

[1:54] Encyclopedia Brown was so smart that people called him Encyclopedia.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59] His dad wished he could explain who was helping him solve all these crimes,

[2:02] but he knew he'd be laughed out of the police academy because he'd say it was his own young son.

[2:07] Well, think about it.

[2:08] Everyone, think of what they put up with in the police academy and they don't laugh people out of it.

[2:13] Him, they'd laugh him out.

[2:14] He doesn't even do sound effects.

Dan McCoy

[2:16] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we discuss it.

[2:21] Tonight we watched a little movie.

[2:23] Actually, a very big movie.

[2:24] A long movie.

[2:25] Full of a lot of star power.

[2:28] Oh, yeah.

[2:28] Super stars.

[2:29] Too many stars.

[2:31] The sky was empty because they were all in tonight's movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] What a horrifying idea.

[2:36] The stars have disappeared.

[2:37] These are the end times.

[2:39] Rock of Ages.

[2:40] Oh, no, they're just in Rock of Ages.

[2:42] Oh, thank goodness.

[2:43] All the stars are in it.

[2:44] Beetlejuice, Sirius the dog star, Soul our own son.

[2:50] Not Beetlejuice the ghost character, but Beetlejuice the star.

[2:53] It predated the ghost, you know.

[2:55] Sure.

Hallie Haglund

[2:55] Star 552764.

Dan McCoy

[2:58] He was there.

[2:59] And Terry's Altair.

[3:02] It bits over.

[3:03] Okay, I'm sorry.

[3:04] It's okay.

Hallie Haglund

[3:05] The belt of Orion.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] All three of them.

[3:08] Ursa Major and Minor.

[3:10] Unseparable, there's three.

[3:11] The North Star, the Pole Star, Venus, which was known in the past as the Morning Star.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] Poor Pole Star.

[3:18] Reduced to stripping.

[3:21] So, Rock of Ages was the movie we watched.

[3:23] It's a movie based on the famous jukebox musical of the same name.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] Now, Dan, what is a jukebox musical?

Dan McCoy

[3:30] I'm glad you asked, Elliot, for the purposes of this podcast.

[3:33] It's a movie, or a musical, rather, made up of songs that were not original to that musical,

[3:40] but compiled together.

[3:42] So, you mean like Singing in the Rain?

[3:43] Yes, like Singing in the Rain.

[3:45] That was with the Freed and Something songbook.

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:49] Jersey Boys.

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:51] Frankie Valli.

[3:52] Jersey Boys.

[3:53] People may remember the musical.

[3:54] We Will Rock You.

Hallie Haglund

[3:55] Tony and Tina's Wedding, I'm assuming.

[3:57] No.

[3:58] Well, Mama Mia is a jukebox musical with ABBA.

Dan McCoy

[4:01] There was a musical called Crazy for You that was all Gershwin songs.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] There was Good Vibrations, which was all Beach Boys songs.

[4:08] You get the idea.

[4:09] You're not dumb.

[4:10] There was Leper Messiah, which was a Metallica jukebox musical.

[4:13] Les Miserables.

[4:14] And who can forget Ass Face, the Gigi Allen jukebox musical.

[4:17] Fuck the Pain in the Way, the Peaches musical.

Dan McCoy

[4:21] But this was a jukebox musical of hair metal.

[4:25] Well, let's...

[4:26] Okay.

[4:28] Loosely termed.

Elliott Kalan

[4:28] Loosely termed.

[4:30] Let's call it 80s rock.

[4:31] Yeah.

[4:32] Because metal, despite the presence throughout the movie of a motorhead billboard, metal

[4:38] is not to be seen in this movie.

[4:40] You were very disappointed that motorhead never showed up.

[4:42] They are promising motorhead.

[4:44] You expect someone...

Dan McCoy

[4:44] You turned to me wistfully in the middle of the movie and said,

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] Dan, is motorhead ever going to show up?

Dan McCoy

[4:49] And I had to say, no, Elliot, I don't think they are.

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] All they needed to make me like this movie was to have a character sing Ace of Spades.

[4:55] Didn't happen.

[4:56] Yeah.

[4:56] Just didn't happen.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] That's why I said hair metal, though, because I don't think that your more hardcore metal genres

[5:03] were represented.

[5:04] They were not.

Elliott Kalan

[5:05] Let's call it hair rock.

[5:06] How about that?

[5:07] Hair rock, ballads.

[5:08] A lot of power ballads.

[5:10] A lot of, let's just call it 80s hits.

[5:13] Yeah.

[5:14] The first song is...

[5:15] K-Rock compilation of favorites.

[5:17] Yeah, exactly.

[5:18] A lot of the songs in this movie where a song would start and I would say to Dan and Hallie,

[5:22] what song is this?

[5:23] And then the chorus would start and I'd go, oh, I recognize this from commercials for compilations

[5:28] of 80s songs.

Hallie Haglund

[5:29] There were a lot of times when Elliot said, hey, what song is this?

[5:32] And I would pretend like I didn't hear him because I didn't know until the chorus came

[5:35] up.

Elliott Kalan

[5:37] I'm glad to hear I wasn't alone then.

[5:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:38] Yeah.

[5:38] Because I know Dan has an encyclopedic knowledge of crap.

[5:41] I had a surprising knowledge from the opening chords of songs, what song was being played.

[5:47] Yeah.

[5:47] And then Dan would say, isn't it this song?

Hallie Haglund

[5:50] And I would say, yeah, I think so.

Dan McCoy

[5:54] It's not my purview necessarily, but somehow over the years.

[5:57] It's not your purview.

[5:59] Thanks.

Hallie Haglund

[5:59] Yeah, we know all about your purviews.

Elliott Kalan

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:02] It's the holes that you carve into the walls outside that all girls nursing school.

Hallie Haglund

[6:09] Is that where they learn to be nurses or when they learn to nurse?

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] A little bit of both.

[6:14] Dan's a purv.

[6:17] Thanks, guys.

[6:18] Now, should we talk about what happens in this movie?

Dan McCoy

[6:20] Well, I think you could probably imagine what happens in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] I don't think so.

[6:25] All we've said is a jukebox musical with 80s power ballads.

Dan McCoy

[6:28] I didn't imagine what happened in that.

[6:30] But imagine if someone's trying to construct a musical comedy around pre-existing songs.

[6:36] And then just imagine the generic plot that that would be.

Elliott Kalan

[6:38] Okay.

[6:39] So let me try to guess it.

[6:41] A caveman and an astronaut fall in love at a discotheque.

[6:45] Suddenly, a volcano erupts.

[6:48] It turns out that the Babylonian god Bel Marduk is angry.

[6:52] They're going to have to find five magic gemstones, each of which is buried inside of a different famous singer's brain.

Dan McCoy

[6:59] Much like Frankenstein's monster, you may have an abnormal brain.

[7:03] May have.

[7:05] I was going to say it's your typical girl from a small town, comes to the big city seeking fame and fortune, meets boy.

[7:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] A girl named Sherry comes to Los Angeles.

[7:17] No, she comes to Los Angeles.

[7:18] Sorry, comes to Los Angeles.

[7:20] From Oklahoma.

[7:20] From Tulsa.

[7:21] We first meet her on a bus.

[7:23] She is flipping through her record albums and touching them longingly, which establishes that she likes music.

[7:28] And then she and the bus...

[7:30] Or she has a fetish for album sleeves.

[7:32] That's possible.

[7:33] She and the bus passengers sing Sister Christian.

[7:36] And then she shows up in L.A. and everything seems great.

Hallie Haglund

[7:39] No, you forgot when she looks at the picture of her grandma.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] I'm not going to say every detail in the movie.

Hallie Haglund

[7:45] Well, I thought that was an important detail.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] She's coming to L.A. with big dreams of being a singer.

[7:50] And she gets mugged.

[7:51] But luckily, it's right outside of the famous, I guess, legendary L.A. music spot, the Bourbon Room.

[7:57] Yeah, the Bourbon Room.

[7:58] The Bourbon Room.

[7:59] Is that a real place?

[8:00] I don't think so.

[8:01] Okay.

[8:01] It's just a placeholder for the Viper Room.

[8:04] Oh, that makes sense.

[8:05] I don't know if that's true.

[8:08] Well, you fooled me.

[8:09] The Bourbon Room, which is run by Shaggy's rock and roll bomb.

[8:14] By Shaggy Too Dope?

[8:16] By Violent Jane, Shaggy Too Dope, the insane clown posse.

[8:20] So ICP, you're looking for a brand new sound.

[8:22] No, it's run by Alec Baldwin at his shaggiest and, let's just say it, slobby fattest.

[8:27] And his man Friday, Russell Brand.

Dan McCoy

[8:30] But as I said, there's no point in this movie, though, when I was able to look at Alec Baldwin and not think, that's just Jack Donaghy in a wig.

[8:39] Like Tracy Morgan is having a dream sequence where he's a rock and roll club owner, and that's what it looks like.

Hallie Haglund

[8:47] No, I was just going to say that you did really remind me of being McShane from Deadwood, but I guess I was the only one.

Dan McCoy

[8:52] I think you were in the minority there.

Hallie Haglund

[8:54] I am just watching Deadwood for the first time, so that's pretty much my only frame of reference.

Dan McCoy

[8:59] I remember when we were at the conventions and you were watching The Wire and everything was a comparison to The Wire.

Hallie Haglund

[9:06] Well, then, fine.

Elliott Kalan

[9:08] So the girl gets mugged.

[9:11] She meets Drew, who's a barback at the Bourbon Room, but he wants to be a rock and roll singer, guitarist, songwriter, etc.

[9:19] He's got big dreams.

[9:20] He's got big dreams, and they start falling in love, and they do.

[9:24] At the same time, that fading rock and roll legend, although I guess he's at the height of his fame, but he's going mad with power.

[9:33] Stacy Jacks, two exes, played by Thomas Cruise.

Hallie Haglund

[9:36] He's not going mad.

[9:37] It's lonely at the top.

[9:39] He's isolated in his own fame.

[9:40] But he has gone insane.

[9:41] Nobody loves him.

[9:42] He has a monkey that follows him around.

Elliott Kalan

[9:43] He has a monkey that follows him, a baboon, really, who follows him around in different costumes.

[9:48] He says things that make no sense.

[9:49] He seems to be in this constant daze or haze of alcohol, and his manager, Paul Giamatti, in the best part in the whole movie, likes it that way because it makes him more docile and easy to control.

[10:01] Stacy Jacks is about to leave his band Arsenal, although it seems more like he's being kicked out because he's so hard to work with.

[10:07] Or so says the Rolling Stone reporter, played by, what's her name, Malina Ackerman?

[10:12] Malin.

[10:12] Malin Ackerman.

[10:13] Malin Ackerman, who interviews him at the back of the Bourbon Room, where Arsenal's going to play its final show before Stacy Jacks begins his solo career.

[10:22] Due to the – and due to the –

Dan McCoy

[10:24] She's the only one who's going to speak truth to power.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] Speak truth to power.

[10:28] And the two of them – and this turns him on in such a way that they have this weird, grindy, not-sex scene where they strip down to their underwear and then kind of –

[10:36] Grind on each other a couple times.

[10:38] Grind on each other.

Dan McCoy

[10:39] And then say, that was amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[10:40] And when they're singing, I want to know what love is, right?

[10:43] During it.

[10:43] Yeah.

[10:44] By this point also I should mention we've heard about 1,500 songs.

Dan McCoy

[10:47] By this point I should mention that Hallie and I are singing along lustily while Elliot is sitting in stone silence.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] I don't like them.

[10:53] This is not my type of music, you know?

[10:55] Sure.

[10:55] Hey, forget about it.

[10:57] Whoa.

[10:58] Look.

[10:59] You dislike it so much you turned into an Italian mobster.

[11:02] I turned into a mobster.

[11:04] Hey, oh, get it away, Johnny Donuts.

[11:07] Look, if they had been singing any of Loretta Lynn's big hits, I would have been singing right along.

[11:12] If they were singing any songs from Jesus Christ Superstar, I would have been singing right along.

[11:15] Would have loved it.

[11:16] And if they were singing anything from Metallica's first four albums, I would have been singing right along.

[11:20] But I don't like any of this music.

Dan McCoy

[11:21] Singing right along.

Elliott Kalan

[11:23] If anything from the Muppet movie, yeah.

[11:24] Sure.

[11:24] I would have been singing right along.

[11:26] If this had been an Enter Sandman jukebox musical, it would have been great.

[11:32] But so where was I?

[11:33] Oh, yes.

[11:34] They have their grindy weird scene.

[11:36] And then the heroine of the movie, who we haven't seen for like 25 minutes, it feels like at this point.

[11:42] The scene between Tom Cruise and this Rolling Stone reporter played by Malin Ackerman goes on for a long time.

[11:47] And it's just a two-person scene.

[11:49] And every other character is just off screen for this whole long sequence.

[11:53] But due to possibly the dumbest misunderstanding I've ever seen in a movie, our heroine walks in, hands him a bottle of liquor, and then drops it.

[12:04] And they walk out again.

[12:05] And she adjusts her shirt.

[12:07] And he adjusts his pants.

[12:08] And the hero, the love interest hero.

Hallie Haglund

[12:11] Who's on stage opening for.

Elliott Kalan

[12:13] Who's about to open for Arsenal.

[12:14] Yeah, this is a big break.

[12:15] With as Wolfgang von Colt, which is his performing name.

[12:18] He sees this and is like, oh, they must have just slept together.

[12:21] That's the only explanation for why someone would adjust their shirt and then another person would adjust their pants.

Hallie Haglund

[12:26] Well, I mean, to be in fairness to him, it really did look like something had gone on, okay?

[12:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] I guess so.

[12:32] It's also Tom Cruise's character in this, and we can talk about this more later if we want to.

[12:36] He's supposed to be exuding this like raw animal sexuality that every woman is falling for.

[12:41] Women faint when they see him.

[12:43] But instead, to me, he just comes off as like this gross monster man.

[12:46] Well, he's, but I mean.

Hallie Haglund

[12:47] He just seemed like how you'd actually expect Tom Cruise to actually be if you talked to him, you know?

Dan McCoy

[12:52] Like a big weirdo where you're like, I am worried he's going to snap my neck at any moment.

[12:56] Like Tom Cruise can be really good and stuff, but he can also like have that sense like, I'm Tom Cruise and I'm super intense and I've really studied for this.

[13:04] Yeah.

[13:04] And like this role felt like, I have studied how to be a rock star.

Elliott Kalan

[13:08] That's maybe that's it.

[13:08] He didn't have a looseness that you expect to see in a rock star where they're like living for the moment and just doing whatever they want.

[13:14] And that's the fantasy charisma of it is here's a person who gets to live out our fantasies of not worrying about responsibility and doing whatever, like being an uncontrolled id.

[13:25] But instead he feels so controlled that it seems like he's this coiled like scary thing.

[13:31] Like it basically when he enters a room, it's not that different from when like Freddie enters a room in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies.

[13:38] Like he's more of a threat than he is an enticement, or at least that's the way I saw him.

[13:43] Like the other thing is that he looks like Glenn Danzig and Glenn Danzig is super scary.

[13:47] There's nothing attractive about him at all.

Hallie Haglund

[13:50] Your cat's playing with a straw.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] Hallie, let's try to be professional.

[13:55] For those of you who are listening and can't see it, Dan's cat was playing with a straw.

Dan McCoy

[14:01] But look, we invited Hallie on the program for her ineffable Hallie-ness.

[14:06] That's true.

[14:06] This is a double shot of that.

Elliott Kalan

[14:09] Super shot.

[14:10] Hopefully Hallie will be able to kind of half pay attention to us while watching Lulu play with a straw.

[14:15] Okay, so the hero and the heroine break up.

[14:17] The hero has just had an amazing performance according to the crowd of I Wanna Rock.

[14:23] So Paul Giamatti signs him up as a new hot singer, and they go their separate ways, him rising to the top and her sinking to the bottom.

[14:32] She quits her job.

[14:33] Soon she's working as a waitress at a strip club.

[14:36] Run by Mary J. Blige.

[14:38] And then stripping.

[14:39] And he, because Rock is going out.

Hallie Haglund

[14:41] Mother Mary, if you will.

[14:43] Sort of plays that role in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:45] I guess so, yeah.

[14:46] Yeah.

[14:47] And she's always dressed as a nun, right?

[14:50] No.

Hallie Haglund

[14:51] The nun who runs the strip club, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:53] Yeah.

[14:53] She's very conflicted.

[14:54] Another interesting character.

Hallie Haglund

[14:57] Well, she's really unhappy the whole movie, but nobody ever seems to know why.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] She really has no character.

[15:03] She's like, she plays the part of the brassy black woman who guides the white woman back to her heart's desire.

[15:10] You know?

[15:11] It was kind of like a brief shot of the help right in the middle of this or, you know, whatever.

[15:15] But the...

Dan McCoy

[15:16] I'd like to take a moment to address, by the way, two subplots that have not been mentioned because they're largely...

[15:24] Totally unrelated.

[15:25] You got Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand are closeted gay men coming to terms with their feelings for each other.

Elliott Kalan

[15:34] Well, first they're worried they're going to lose the club because they are running...

[15:38] They don't have enough money to pay their taxes.

[15:41] But also they fall in love and they sing a duet and kiss each other in...

[15:44] I'm just going to go ahead and say the best part of the movie.

[15:46] Yeah.

[15:47] By far the best.

[15:48] The weirdest part of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:49] If you ever wanted to see Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand sing a song to each other and then kiss...

[15:54] And dance.

[15:55] And there's a brief shot of them on a carousel together.

[15:58] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[15:59] So that was going on.

[16:00] The weirdest was when they were, like, walking down the stairs and they were doing this simultaneous, like, hip pump, you know, that was supposed to be synchronized.

[16:10] I've got to be honest, they didn't find the romance that believable.

[16:15] No, it wasn't very believable.

Elliott Kalan

[16:15] But even after the scene in the beginning where they were pretending to sing into a hairbrush together...

Hallie Haglund

[16:20] They weren't singing into a hairbrush, they were singing into a beer bottle.

Dan McCoy

[16:24] Oh, I thought they had a hairbrush also.

[16:26] The raw sexual charisma of Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand put together didn't just ignite within you, Hal?

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] Maybe if Alec Baldwin didn't look like the dude Lebowski and Russell Brand didn't look like...

[16:39] Russell Brand.

[16:40] Russell Brand.

[16:41] Yeah, let's just say it.

Hallie Haglund

[16:42] But it's almost like they're...

[16:43] Because they're two people who, in most movies, do play, like, highly sexual characters.

[16:49] And it's like, when combined, they canceled each other out.

Elliott Kalan

[16:52] Maybe that's...

[16:53] I mean, there's also this movie...

Hallie Haglund

[16:54] Because they both seem so frumpy and unsexual.

Elliott Kalan

[16:56] This movie was directed with a total lack of sexiness, which is weird considering it's all about, like, the unbridled sexual power of rock and roll and rock and roll forever.

[17:06] And these two young lovers are doing it and they're falling in love.

[17:09] And Tom Cruise is this sex god.

[17:10] But at the same time, it's so chaste and tame as a movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] I was saying earlier in the movie, before that scene came up, I'm like, okay, well, this is a movie about hair metal, which is, like, straight men not realizing how campy they are and somehow harnessing, like, raw sexuality, even though they're goofy.

[17:27] But there's none of that.

[17:28] And I was theorizing it's because it was directed by a gay man, Adam Shakeman.

[17:32] But then there's no, like, sexiness in the gay scene either.

Elliott Kalan

[17:34] I think it's just a...

[17:36] It's a very, like, cleaned up, kind of polished, glossy type of pop sensibility.

[17:41] Like, you see, whenever, like, on American Idol, and I assume The Voice or other singing shows, the times I've seen it where they sing, like, a hard rock song, they make it very glossy and poppy.

[17:51] And even here in a movie that's supposed to be about, like, rock, rock forever, oh, this is the best, it still comes off as very pop and, like, bubblegum.

[18:00] It's like they've kind of...

Hallie Haglund

[18:01] Well, because it's a musical.

[18:01] I feel like that's what...

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] I mean, Jesus Christ Superstar is a musical, and there's way more edge to that than there is to this.

Hallie Haglund

[18:08] They don't write them like Jesus Christ Superstar.

Dan McCoy

[18:10] It is the best of rock musicals.

[18:12] I don't understand your guys' thing for Jesus Christ Superstar.

[18:13] It's got amazing songs in it.

[18:15] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[18:15] It's the greatest story ever told in the greatest songs ever told.

[18:19] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[18:19] Well, anyway, I was going to get to the other unaddressed side plot, which was Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] Why is Alec Baldwin worried about losing The Bourbon Room?

[18:27] Because...

Dan McCoy

[18:28] The mayor of L.A., I guess?

[18:30] Played by Bryan Cranston.

[18:31] Yeah, TV's Bryan Cranston is a...

Elliott Kalan

[18:34] And movies.

[18:34] Let's just say Bryan Cranston.

[18:35] He's in a lot of films.

[18:36] He's in Argo.

[18:37] Malcolm in the Middle's Bryan Cranston.

Dan McCoy

[18:39] I'm not discounting him.

[18:40] Beavis and Budhead Do America's Bryan Cranston.

[18:42] People know him from Breaking Bad.

[18:44] That's all I'm saying, but...

[18:45] Drives Bryan Cranston.

[18:50] So he...

[18:51] Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice's Bryan Cranston.

[18:53] Really?

[18:56] He's married to a Tipper Gore-esque character.

Elliott Kalan

[18:59] Played by Catherine Zeta-Jones.

[19:00] Yeah.

[19:01] The only woman so scientific and Greek that Zeta is in her name.

[19:04] Like Zeta Beams.

Dan McCoy

[19:06] Mm-hmm.

[19:06] And she's made it her mission to clean up L.A. from the scourge of rock and roll.

Elliott Kalan

[19:12] Which is so weird because L.A. is such a gross city.

[19:15] Rock and roll is like a minor threat.

[19:18] And a character...

[19:18] There's like...

[19:19] A character works in a strip club in this.

[19:20] And she doesn't want to clean out the strip clubs.

[19:22] She wants to clean out the rock and roll club.

[19:23] I mean, like this makes sense in a movie like Footloose.

[19:25] Where it's a tiny town.

[19:27] Tiny rural town.

[19:28] Or in the terror of tiny town.

[19:29] If rock and roll had been in that.

[19:30] And it's making all the midgets go astray.

Dan McCoy

[19:33] It's kind of like...

[19:34] Well, you know, why is Catherine Zeta-Jones in this city in the first place?

[19:38] Like it seems like they're places for her.

[19:39] Well, the school districts probably.

[19:41] Okay, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[19:41] But here's the...

[19:43] It comes out later that she wants to shut down rock and roll to get at Stacey Jacks.

[19:48] Because she was a Stacey Jacks groupie and he abandoned her.

[19:50] And now she wants revenge.

[19:52] Just like the hit ABC show of the same name.

[19:54] Just like...

[19:54] Just like Tipper Gore.

[19:57] Well, Tipper...

[19:58] Yeah, Tipper Gore was a...

[19:59] I think a Fleetwood Mac groupie.

[20:01] Yeah.

[20:03] Oh, no.

[20:04] It was Gwar.

[20:04] I'm sorry.

[20:05] She was a Gwar groupie.

[20:06] Gwar abandoned.

[20:06] She was a Gwarpie.

[20:09] But, yeah.

[20:11] So she wants to shut down the Bourbon Room.

[20:13] And she leads a coalition of...

[20:15] You know, like your 80s moral majority.

[20:18] Christian women.

[20:19] The kind of women who are always on sitcoms as like the prissy one that nobody...

[20:24] That was trying to take away the fun for everybody else.

Hallie Haglund

[20:27] Blair.

[20:27] Like Blair.

[20:29] Blair Underwood?

[20:30] No.

[20:31] Blair Witch.

[20:31] For the facts of life.

[20:32] Oh, that Blair.

[20:34] But not really like Blair.

[20:36] I was just...

[20:36] As the first prissy.

Dan McCoy

[20:37] She's like Blair.

[20:38] Sure.

[20:39] I'll take that.

[20:40] But it's...

[20:40] She's not fun like Joe.

[20:42] Everyone's favorite.

[20:43] Right.

[20:44] All right, guys?

[20:45] Joe.

Elliott Kalan

[20:45] Of course.

[20:46] She's got a motorcycle.

[20:47] Yeah.

[20:48] She doesn't know where she fits.

[20:49] She can fix it.

[20:50] Her motorcycle.

[20:52] Tootie is everyone's second favorite because of her name.

[20:55] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[20:56] So this has been the Facts of Life podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] Apparently, according to Wikipedia, this is a subplot that was introduced just for the movie.

[21:05] And it makes sense because like this is like in the 80s, this in the early 90s, I guess,

[21:10] this kind of stuff was happening where Christian morality groups were and conservative politicians

[21:15] were trying to police rock and roll and music in general.

[21:19] But it feels totally shoehorned in.

[21:21] And it's another subplot that disappears for long stretches of the movie.

[21:25] And then suddenly you'll get a lot of it.

[21:27] Like it feels like they were writing this movie as they went along, as they shot it.

[21:31] And they were like, we haven't done anything with Catherine Zeta-Jones in a while.

[21:33] So let's do a bunch of stuff with her.

Hallie Haglund

[21:35] But it did beget that awesome medley that was, we're not going to take it.

[21:41] And we built this city on rock and roll, which I thought was one of the best musical numbers.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] Of the 4,000 musical numbers in the movie.

[21:51] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[21:51] It was in the top 3,000.

Dan McCoy

[21:55] But I think I can tie this up really fast so we can sort of double back and hone in on the details.

Hallie Haglund

[22:01] But you never talked about how the guy became part of like a New Kids on the Block.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] Yeah, so Drew sells himself out to become famous and joins a New Kids on the Block type group called Z-Boys,

[22:11] which leads to my favorite part of the movie, which is the video shoot for his music video.

[22:15] And they totally capture like the style of that music video.

[22:19] And it's one of those moments, there are a lot of moments in this movie where like there's a flash of a better, funnier movie.

[22:25] And that moment it's like, oh, like if you had any sense of the style of the times like you do in this one 30 second moment,

[22:32] this would be a way better movie.

[22:33] Like if it was more of a pastiche and less of a like, you know, just like a commercial, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[22:39] But anyway, you're saying wrap it up.

[22:41] Play us out.

[22:42] Tom Cruise realizes what Paul Giamatti has been doing.

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Well, the negative Rolling Stone article comes out.

Dan McCoy

[22:48] Yeah, he sort of breaks with him and gives Alec Baldwin the money from his gig that he'd previously not given him.

Elliott Kalan

[22:56] He also drinks 150 year old wine and then pees on Paul Giamatti's foot at the same time.

Dan McCoy

[23:04] Our two young lovers reconcile after realizing, hey, this was a fucking stupid misunderstanding that was just generated for the plot.

Elliott Kalan

[23:12] It basically goes like this.

[23:13] I saw you coming out of Stacey Jacks' room.

[23:16] He was adjusting his pants.

[23:18] You thought I slept with Stacey Jacks?

[23:20] Do you mean you didn't?

[23:22] I'm so sorry.

[23:23] I was in love with you.

[23:24] All they had to do was talk.

[23:25] We could have had this conversation months earlier.

[23:27] I didn't have to be a stripper.

[23:30] What's also weird is it's one of those strip clubs where that we've talked about on the podcast before where all the strippers wear lots of clothes and don't take them off.

[23:37] And when she comes out to do her strip dance, she's actually wearing more than she's worn at any other point in the movie.

Hallie Haglund

[23:42] She's wearing like a one piece leotard with long sleeves.

Elliott Kalan

[23:45] Yeah, with long sleeves.

[23:46] It's like the rest of the movie she's wearing these like low cut shirts that ride up on her belly and super short skirts.

[23:52] And now it's like, it's time for me to get down and dirty as a stripper.

[23:56] I guess I'll put on this robe.

Hallie Haglund

[23:57] I guess I'll put on this bodysuit.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] Because the most exciting thing is what you imagine.

[24:04] It's like the strip scenes in Flashdance where they're more like Twyla Tharpe style avant-garde dance numbers.

Dan McCoy

[24:10] Yeah, but Tom Cruise is reunited with Malin Ackerman, the only woman who's ever told him the truth about himself.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] And they fall in love after he kisses another woman for like a minute and a half.

Dan McCoy

[24:19] Yeah, that's funny about that.

[24:21] I think we should get back to it.

[24:22] Okay.

[24:23] But then the guy and the girl sing Don't Stop Believin' on stage.

[24:29] Elliot's favorite song.

[24:30] And Tom Cruise is like, that's that new sound I was looking for.

[24:33] And then cut to a big arena show where Tom Cruise is singing the song and he brings on the special guests, our lovebirds.

[24:40] And rock and roll has triumphed.

[24:42] And Catherine Zeta-Jones is in the audience in some sort of like weird night porter Nazi garb.

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:47] As a fan.

Elliott Kalan

[24:48] Because she's now, I guess, just like an S&M rock and roll groupie.

[24:51] Yeah.

[24:51] And Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand are in the audience.

Hallie Haglund

[24:54] Oh, I thought she was supposed to have become Annie Lennox.

Elliott Kalan

[24:58] Yeah, this whole movie was an origin story.

[25:01] It was so weird.

[25:02] Call me by my new name.

[25:03] It was a prequel to Annie Lennox.

[25:05] And then it just turns to Paul Harvey and goes, and now you know the rest of the story.

Dan McCoy

[25:11] Iris in and we're out.

[25:14] Yeah, well.

Elliott Kalan

[25:15] Wink at camera.

[25:16] Sweet dreams plays over the credits.

Dan McCoy

[25:18] Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Elliott Kalan

[25:21] Yeah, no, there was some funny stuff.

[25:22] And then they play Rocky Like a Hurricane over the credits.

[25:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:26] But as you were alluding to, there's some funnier movies peeking out.

[25:30] And one of the things you were saying was that kiss scene.

[25:33] Like right when like Malin Ackerman and Tom Cruise are going to be reunited.

[25:38] He's walking towards her through a crowded room.

Elliott Kalan

[25:41] And then a woman just jumps out and starts kissing Tom Cruise.

[25:44] And because he's a rock god, he has to keep kissing this woman.

[25:48] And keeps giving gestures to Malin Ackerman.

[25:51] Apologetic looks.

[25:52] Like, well, just a minute.

[25:52] Sorry about that.

[25:53] But it goes on for a really long time.

Dan McCoy

[25:55] But like Malin Ackerman's always like, also like her face is like, yeah, I understand.

[25:59] What are you going to do?

[26:00] Like, no, I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:01] I'm sorry too.

[26:02] Oh, and at the end we see that Malin Ackerman is pregnant with a new generation of Stacey Jacks.

[26:06] Yeah.

[26:07] Of Jack's babies.

[26:08] That's so cute.

Hallie Haglund

[26:09] Because girls, apparently you can get pregnant having sex with your underwear on.

[26:14] We learned.

Dan McCoy

[26:16] And there's another like weird line where like.

[26:18] Oh, well, there's a part where.

[26:19] Tom Cruise like touches every woman in the thing in the movie's breasts.

[26:23] And like at the end he touches Catherine Zeta-Jones.

[26:25] And it's like.

[26:26] Your tits have held up nice.

[26:28] Yeah.

[26:28] And then he walks away.

[26:31] And she swoons.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] The weirdest line that kind of works but kind of doesn't is when the.

[26:38] What are they called?

[26:38] The boys.

[26:40] The one.

[26:41] That group that he's in.

[26:42] Yeah.

[26:43] The Z boys.

[26:44] Z boys.

[26:44] Are on stage at the bourbon room getting booed because they suck.

[26:48] And Alec Baldwin goes.

[26:50] Wait, that's true.

[26:52] I just threw up.

[26:53] And Russell Brand goes.

[26:54] Where?

[26:55] And he goes.

[26:55] In my pants.

[26:57] Out of my ass.

Dan McCoy

[26:59] And then walks away.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] This bizarre moment of like.

[27:04] You think he's going to say like.

[27:05] I just threw up in my mouth.

[27:06] Or something like that.

[27:07] Or.

Elliott Kalan

[27:08] No.

[27:08] He is.

[27:09] He is so disgusted by.

[27:11] By this act that he shit himself in the pants.

[27:14] Like.

[27:15] It's so weird.

Hallie Haglund

[27:16] Funnier than.

[27:17] Than the joke itself.

[27:19] Was watching Elliot's like.

[27:21] Disbelief.

[27:22] And inability to understand.

[27:24] He was like.

[27:24] Wait.

[27:25] What does that mean?

[27:26] Wait.

[27:27] If he threw up in his pants.

[27:28] Out of his ass.

[27:30] And you're like.

[27:30] It's pretty much all there.

[27:32] Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[27:32] I don't know.

[27:33] It just seems so bizarre to me.

[27:34] Put the pieces together.

Elliott Kalan

[27:35] Encyclopedia Brown.

[27:36] For a movie that feels so programmed.

[27:38] And so rote.

[27:39] Like.

[27:40] Here's where we have to do this.

[27:41] Here's where we have to do this.

[27:42] Here's where we play this song.

[27:43] To have a character just.

[27:44] Basically say like.

[27:45] I just shit myself.

[27:47] It feels like it comes out of nowhere.

[27:49] And it's so bizarre.

[27:50] Like if it was a John Waters movie.

[27:52] That line.

[27:52] I'd be like.

[27:52] All right.

[27:53] Whatever.

[27:53] Yeah.

[27:53] But.

[27:54] It's just like.

[27:55] It's almost like.

[27:56] A line from a different movie.

[27:58] Fell into this movie by accident.

Dan McCoy

[27:59] We've.

[28:00] I mean.

[28:00] We've alluded to this movie's like.

[28:02] Weird tone issues.

[28:03] Like.

[28:04] The movie like.

[28:04] Starts off exactly as you would expect.

[28:06] Rock of Ages 2.

[28:07] With just like a.

[28:08] Like a medley.

[28:09] Of like cheesy rock songs.

[28:10] And very big and over the top.

[28:11] Yeah.

[28:11] And like.

[28:12] And everything's happening.

[28:13] Every plot development.

[28:13] Yeah.

[28:14] And it's very cheesy.

[28:15] And then it slows way down.

[28:16] For a long two person scene.

[28:18] Between Malin Ackerman.

[28:19] And Tom Cruise.

[28:20] That feels like.

[28:21] Like a two man play.

[28:23] Like.

[28:23] It's like.

[28:24] Like a.

[28:25] Zoo story or something.

[28:27] Tracy Letts bug.

[28:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:29] But it's.

[28:30] It's a very weird.

[28:32] Back and forth.

[28:32] Because then.

[28:33] You'll get scenes.

[28:34] The weird.

[28:34] The tone thing that got me.

[28:35] Was you get scenes that are very.

[28:37] Cartooning and cheesy.

[28:37] Like winking at the audience.

[28:39] Like.

[28:39] We know this is silly.

[28:40] And then you get other scenes.

[28:41] Where it's like.

[28:42] This is a rocking song.

[28:44] And these are rocking people.

[28:46] Are.

[28:46] Don't you think this is awesome.

[28:47] It's like.

[28:48] Well I mean.

[28:49] Last scene.

[28:50] You were kind of winking at me.

[28:51] And telling me how cheesy.

[28:51] And ridiculous this is.

[28:53] It's kind of hard for me to treat it.

[28:54] Like they're super cool now.

[28:55] I don't know.

[28:57] They couldn't.

[28:58] It's like.

[28:58] They couldn't pick one tone.

[28:59] And stick with it.

[29:00] It's kind of like.

[29:01] Abraham Lincoln.

[29:02] Vampire Hunter.

[29:02] That we watched last episode.

[29:04] Where.

[29:05] They.

[29:06] It's a ridiculous.

[29:07] Goofy concept.

[29:08] But they wanted you.

[29:09] To take it really seriously.

[29:11] But they didn't want to put the work.

[29:12] Into it.

[29:13] To make it worth taking seriously.

[29:15] And at times.

[29:16] This movie had that problem.

[29:16] And other times.

[29:17] It was just a silly.

[29:18] Ridiculous movie.

[29:19] That were full of songs.

[29:20] That I don't care for.

[29:20] Particularly.

[29:21] So.

[29:22] Take my criticism.

[29:23] For what it's worth.

[29:23] But.

[29:24] It was also.

[29:25] Over two hours long.

[29:26] And it seems like.

[29:26] That's a big mistake.

[29:28] To have it.

[29:28] An over two hour.

[29:30] Jukebox musical.

[29:31] Where there's almost.

[29:32] No plot.

[29:32] I guess.

Hallie Haglund

[29:33] How is that so long?

[29:35] I feel like.

[29:36] I was a different age.

[29:37] When I started.

[29:37] Watching them.

[29:38] You know.

Dan McCoy

[29:39] There were songs in it.

[29:40] Like song take up space.

[29:42] That's why.

[29:43] Musical plots are so simple.

[29:44] I guess.

[29:44] Because like.

[29:45] You need room for the songs.

Elliott Kalan

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:47] But this one like.

[29:48] They.

[29:49] By the.

[29:50] Stacey Jacks.

[29:51] Gets to.

[29:52] The bourbon room.

[29:52] At the end.

[29:53] To play.

[29:54] The night.

[29:55] That the.

[29:55] Z boys.

[29:56] Are also going to play.

[29:58] And.

[29:59] There should be like.

[30:00] Ten minutes left.

[30:01] In the movie.

[30:01] I guess.

[30:02] Something like that.

[30:03] And Dan.

[30:03] Had to pause it.

[30:04] For some reason.

[30:05] I think.

[30:06] For an interruption.

[30:06] Or something.

[30:07] And.

[30:08] It showed that it was like.

Hallie Haglund

[30:09] Because he had just.

[30:10] Thrown up.

[30:10] In his pants.

[30:11] Out his ass.

[30:13] Nice.

Elliott Kalan

[30:14] But.

[30:14] And there was like.

[30:14] A half hour left.

[30:15] In the movie.

[30:16] I was like.

[30:16] How is this possible?

[30:18] This is like.

[30:19] The Hobbit.

[30:20] Part one.

[30:20] An unexpected journey.

[30:22] Of.

[30:22] Of jukebox musicals.

[30:24] Like.

[30:24] Just extend it.

[30:25] We got to keep filling this thing.

Dan McCoy

[30:26] And make it super long.

[30:27] Like the weird.

[30:28] That's the weird thing.

[30:29] They.

[30:29] They took some stuff.

[30:30] They took some stuff.

Dan McCoy

[30:30] From the Cimmerillion.

[30:31] And they put it in Rock of Ages.

Elliott Kalan

[30:32] It was so weird.

[30:34] To have Rock of Ages.

[30:35] Suddenly stop.

[30:35] For the origin of Tom Bombadil.

Dan McCoy

[30:38] It's like.

[30:38] What does this have to do.

[30:40] With anything?

[30:40] Tom Bombadil loves to sing.

[30:42] He does.

[30:44] Allie.

[30:44] Speaking of love to sing.

[30:45] I feel like you and I.

[30:46] Appreciated this.

[30:47] On a different level.

[30:48] As karaoke fans.

[30:49] Yeah.

[30:49] Exactly.

[30:50] Like.

[30:50] I feel like this movie.

[30:51] Would be great.

[30:52] To stand up in front of.

[30:55] And pull a Rocky Horror Picture Show with.

[30:56] That would be the way to watch this.

Hallie Haglund

[30:58] Yeah.

[30:59] Not with Elliot.

[31:00] No.

[31:00] Who doesn't like to sing along.

[31:02] With any songs.

Elliott Kalan

[31:03] I like to sing along with lots of stuff.

[31:05] Just not any of these songs.

[31:06] Well.

[31:07] Hallie.

[31:07] We sing all the time in our office.

[31:10] Yeah.

[31:10] Mostly Jesus Christ Superstar.

Dan McCoy

[31:12] We sang all the time.

[31:13] What happened guys?

[31:14] What happened between you two?

[31:16] Well.

Elliott Kalan

[31:16] You used to be so happy.

[31:17] The music died.

[31:18] Hallie.

[31:18] Hallie got a little too big.

[31:20] And it's hard to work with now.

[31:22] In her cocoon.

[31:23] As in fat.

Hallie Haglund

[31:25] Elliot's had to move into the hall.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] Because he can't fit in the office.

[31:27] There's just not enough room for two people.

[31:29] She's just in this cocoon of alcohol and girls.

[31:32] And her pet monkey that she puts different uniforms on.

[31:35] And Paul Giamatti.

[31:36] Her agent.

Hallie Haglund

[31:37] That's why this story touched me so much.

[31:39] It was my biopic.

Elliott Kalan

[31:42] They call her Hallie Jacks.

Hallie Haglund

[31:44] I knew I'd always be played by Tom Cruise.

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] There's a lot of details in there.

[31:48] How was the singing?

[31:49] Did you guys think?

[31:50] By the actors?

Hallie Haglund

[31:51] I actually was.

[31:51] I thought it was surprisingly good.

[31:53] I thought the only person who definitely.

[31:55] I mean.

[31:56] Obviously they.

[31:58] Fussed around.

[31:59] They.

[31:59] You know.

[31:59] They messed with.

[32:00] Yeah.

[32:01] Made voices sound.

[32:02] Sweeten the voices.

[32:03] You know.

[32:03] But I thought the only person who didn't sound like an actual singer was Alec Baldwin.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] Yeah.

[32:09] It just sounded like he was.

Hallie Haglund

[32:09] Well Paul Giamatti a little.

[32:11] But he barely sang.

Elliott Kalan

[32:12] He barely sang.

[32:12] Alec Baldwin sounded like he was kind of like Rex Harrison talk singing.

[32:16] You know.

[32:17] Which.

[32:17] I mean.

[32:17] He's not a singer.

[32:18] That's what it comes down to.

Dan McCoy

[32:19] But I thought.

[32:20] Cruz did better than I would have expected.

Hallie Haglund

[32:22] Yeah.

[32:22] I thought he sounded great in the Journey song at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[32:26] Mm-hmm.

[32:26] Yeah.

[32:26] I thought he did a fine job.

[32:28] I wish that his acting had been up to the level of his singing.

[32:32] Because he just.

[32:32] He's.

[32:34] Or.

[32:35] I guess it's not even bad acting so much as like.

[32:37] It feels like he's playing the wrong character.

[32:38] You know.

Dan McCoy

[32:39] I mean.

[32:39] We were talking about this.

[32:41] How you were like.

[32:42] Like.

[32:42] How do they get all these people to be in this stupid movie?

[32:44] I'm like.

[32:45] I think they probably just want to be in a musical.

[32:47] Like.

[32:47] You know.

[32:47] I believe it was Hallie who asked that question.

[32:49] And I said.

[32:49] People wanted to sing.

[32:50] Cha-ching.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] Money.

[32:51] That's how.

[32:51] Oh.

[32:52] But.

[32:52] In Wikipedia.

[32:53] It says that Tom Cruise had always wanted to be in a musical.

Hallie Haglund

[32:55] Wasn't there something also though.

[32:57] How they got locked in.

[32:58] I thought I heard something about.

[32:59] Yeah.

[33:00] They were locked in a building.

Elliott Kalan

[33:01] And the only way out was to make the movie Rock of Ages.

[33:03] It was part of an elaborate prank.

[33:05] And you saw.

Dan McCoy

[33:06] Saw put them in there.

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] Would you like to play a game?

[33:09] You can either make a movie of a jukebox musical.

[33:11] His name is.

[33:11] Or a bomb's gonna go off in your head.

[33:13] Okay.

Hallie Haglund

[33:13] His name is not Saw.

Elliott Kalan

[33:15] His name is Jigsaw.

[33:16] His name is Jigsaw.

[33:17] We call him Saw for short.

[33:19] It's apostrophe Saw.

[33:21] These guys like to make a little jukebox musical.

[33:24] You can either saw your own leg off.

[33:26] Or sing Pour Some Sugar On Me.

[33:29] I guess I'll sing the song.

[33:31] I mean.

[33:31] Can you give me the lyrics?

[33:32] Because I don't know all of them.

Hallie Haglund

[33:33] No.

[33:34] But for reals.

[33:34] I thought that they got locked.

[33:36] Like.

[33:36] I remember Alec Baldwin trying to get out of his contract or something.

[33:40] And they were somehow locked in.

[33:41] And they had to make the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:42] Tried to pull a Theodore Rex.

[33:43] I see.

Hallie Haglund

[33:44] Once he found out he had to kiss Russell Brand.

Dan McCoy

[33:47] And Alec Baldwin's trying to get out of everything.

[33:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:49] He tries to leave 30 Rock every season.

[33:51] And now he's finally got his wish.

[33:53] It's the last season.

Dan McCoy

[33:53] But I heard that like.

[33:54] Did you read all those reports about how like once it was the last season.

[33:57] He's like.

[33:57] Hey guys.

Elliott Kalan

[33:57] Let's do a bunch more.

[33:58] And he did a tweet.

[34:00] She tweeted from the last read through.

[34:02] That was like the last 30 Rock read through.

[34:03] Wow.

[34:04] You've been trying to leave this show for like four years.

Dan McCoy

[34:07] You are an emotional roller coaster.

[34:09] Alec Baldwin.

[34:10] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[34:10] Yeah.

[34:11] Did you see that news center.

[34:14] Or that Rock Center piece that they did all about him during Hurricane Sandy.

[34:18] And just how he like.

[34:20] I think it was about how he like helped people walk their dogs or something.

[34:24] It's very strange.

[34:25] I was on the treadmill.

[34:26] And a lot of endorphins running through my brain.

[34:29] And it was hard to find.

Dan McCoy

[34:30] The story really fell apart at the end.

Hallie Haglund

[34:32] Well it was something about how we hung out downtown.

[34:40] And there was a dog involved.

Elliott Kalan

[34:43] So if anyone wants to try to put those pieces together.

[34:46] Figure out where Alec Baldwin was during the hurricane.

Dan McCoy

[34:49] I'm imagining like a fan with like a basement room.

[34:52] There's a picture of Alec Baldwin and a picture of a dog.

[34:55] And yarn going between the two of them.

Elliott Kalan

[34:57] There's got to be a connection.

[34:59] What don't they want me to find out?

[35:03] You will unlock your secrets.

[35:06] Yeah.

[35:07] So Rock of Eight.

[35:07] I think you guys enjoyed this movie more than I did.

Dan McCoy

[35:09] Probably.

[35:10] Well I mean that's a good segue into our final judgments section.

[35:13] Where we talk about whether we thought this was a good bad movie.

[35:17] A bad bad movie.

[35:18] Or a movie we kind of liked.

[35:19] Hallie what do you think?

Hallie Haglund

[35:20] Oh I think I said it before.

[35:22] That I think the movie started.

[35:24] And I was like oh man.

[35:24] This movie really isn't very good.

[35:26] And then I was like oh no.

[35:28] This movie's kind of good.

[35:29] And then I was like oh this isn't very good at all.

[35:32] And then it was like oh no.

[35:33] It's kind of good.

[35:35] So.

Dan McCoy

[35:36] It took you on an unexpected journey.

Hallie Haglund

[35:38] Yeah.

[35:38] I mean.

Dan McCoy

[35:39] Just like The Hobbit.

[35:40] Part one.

[35:42] In theaters this summer.

Hallie Haglund

[35:43] I think it had music.

[35:45] It had a monkey.

[35:49] Allie Hagelin says it has the two M's.

[35:53] More please.

[35:55] No I think.

[35:56] I didn't think it was as bad as I expected it to be.

[35:59] I mean it was a really bad movie.

[36:00] But I enjoyed it more than I expected to enjoy it.

Dan McCoy

[36:03] Yeah.

[36:03] For me this hovered between a bad bad movie.

[36:06] And a movie I kind of liked.

[36:07] Like I think it was stupid enough that it was like a big Hollywood fiasco in a way that you don't normally see.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] It definitely looked like a lot of people who usually know what they're doing.

[36:21] Yeah.

[36:21] Had no idea what they were doing.

[36:22] So I enjoyed that.

Hallie Haglund

[36:23] Which made me think like oh maybe they never know what they're doing.

[36:26] They just have really good people telling them what to do.

[36:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:29] That's possible.

[36:29] It's like William Goldman's his old saying about the movie business.

[36:32] Which is that nobody knows anything in the movie business.

[36:34] It's all kind of chance.

Dan McCoy

[36:35] But also then I enjoyed like the few moments that something kind of like genuinely funny peeked through.

[36:41] Or just you know people singing songs.

[36:43] I like seeing people sing songs.

[36:45] What do you think Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] I mean it wasn't as bad a movie as I thought it was going to be.

[36:51] But I'm still going to give it a bad bad rating.

[36:53] Because it just didn't hold.

[36:56] I mean like even if this wasn't my particular favorite type of music.

[36:59] I do like musicals.

[37:00] I don't have an issue with movies where people burst into song all of a sudden.

[37:04] But it just didn't hold together.

[37:05] And there just had so many pacing and story problems.

[37:09] Yeah.

[37:09] And there was not a sense of like fun.

[37:13] Like they were riding too much on the fumes of the music.

[37:15] Like you guys love these songs.

[37:17] You'll come see it for the songs.

[37:18] So we don't have to try that hard.

[37:20] And it's an issue I have with jukebox musicals in general.

[37:23] Which is like you're not.

[37:24] The musical itself often is not that good.

[37:26] But it's like you're just working off of the residual feelings people have for this music.

Dan McCoy

[37:31] Well I will definitely say that the singing was not really that good.

[37:36] And the dancing was terrible.

[37:38] Yeah.

[37:38] So if you're looking for musical stuff.

[37:40] Like it's not a good musical.

[37:42] You should see a better musical.

Elliott Kalan

[37:43] Like a second role musical where the musical elements are mostly awful.

[37:46] But if you're like.

[37:47] If you're drunk.

Dan McCoy

[37:48] I was thinking you wouldn't have the equivalent of the karaoke.

Hallie Haglund

[37:50] I didn't think this.

[37:51] Why would you say the singing wasn't good?

Dan McCoy

[37:52] I mean the singing.

[37:53] The actual like.

[37:54] The actual quality of the singing was like.

[37:56] Okay.

[37:56] These are actors who can sing.

[37:57] Okay.

[37:58] I guess I just mean what Elliot was saying.

[38:01] Mary J. Blige was really good.

[38:02] But she's a real.

Elliott Kalan

[38:03] Much better.

[38:04] Well Mary J. Blige was the only person I felt like where when she was singing.

[38:07] She was trying to put any emotion into the song.

Dan McCoy

[38:09] There's no edge in the way that it's sung.

Elliott Kalan

[38:11] Yeah.

[38:11] Everyone else there was no edge or like feeling.

[38:14] It was a lot of like.

[38:16] This is how I do a perfect version of the song.

[38:19] But they weren't feeling it.

[38:21] You know.

[38:21] There was.

[38:22] And like.

[38:22] You had.

[38:23] A lot of these songs like.

[38:24] Are pretty.

[38:25] You know.

[38:25] Bubble gummy rock and roll songs.

[38:27] But they do have some.

[38:29] Growl to them.

[38:30] And they just didn't do any of that.

[38:32] Yeah.

[38:32] You know.

[38:32] It was.

[38:33] It just felt.

[38:33] It felt like.

[38:34] You know.

[38:34] When kids sing rock and roll songs.

[38:35] And like the most.

[38:36] The filthiest.

[38:37] Or like scariest song becomes adorable.

[38:40] Because a kid is singing it.

Dan McCoy

[38:41] And in a weird way.

[38:42] It's kind of funny that that's true.

[38:44] Because a lot of these.

[38:46] People are not.

[38:48] You know.

[38:48] Like real singers.

[38:50] And it's.

[38:51] Easier to sing.

[38:52] Like rock and roll music.

[38:54] Where.

[38:55] The.

[38:55] Perfection of the singing.

[38:57] Is not as important as the feeling.

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] Well.

[38:58] Because there are a lot of great rock and roll singers.

[38:59] Who don't have very good voices.

[39:00] Yeah.

[39:01] But they.

[39:01] Like this.

Dan McCoy

[39:02] This movie like.

[39:03] Went for the perfection.

[39:03] More than it went for.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] The feeling of the song.

[39:05] Because that's the.

[39:06] That's the singing style right now.

[39:07] I feel like.

[39:08] A lot of.

[39:08] A lot of song styles right now.

[39:09] Are for ultra gloss.

[39:11] Right.

[39:11] And a lot of polish.

[39:12] Went instead of.

[39:14] Edge or.

[39:15] You know.

[39:15] Roughness or.

[39:16] Or energy or anything.

Hallie Haglund

[39:17] It did feel like watching the voice or something.

[39:20] I agree.

[39:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:21] But hey.

[39:22] You know.

[39:22] If there were songs that I was more into.

[39:24] Maybe I would feel differently.

Dan McCoy

[39:25] But now.

[39:26] Guys.

[39:28] Now that part of the podcast is over.

[39:30] And the next part of the podcast is just beginning.

[39:32] Ah.

[39:33] Our nightmare continues.

[39:34] Perfect segue.

[39:35] Perfect segue.

[39:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:37] What a great.

[39:38] What a seamless segue.

[39:39] That part's over.

[39:40] Let's go to the next part.

[39:41] What is the next part Dan?

Dan McCoy

[39:42] The next part is the Flophouse movie mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] Movie mailbag.

[39:46] Letters about movies.

[39:48] Letters from the fans.

[39:49] About the movies we watch.

[39:51] And the podcast that we do.

[39:53] It's called the Flophouse.

[39:54] With the movie mailbag at the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[39:58] He won't sing I can't fight this feeling anymore.

[40:00] But he'll sing made up songs about letters.

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] Time for letters.

[40:03] From the movie mailbag.

[40:04] A mailbag full of movies.

[40:06] No.

[40:06] It's got mail in it.

[40:08] Otherwise it'd be a movie bag.

[40:10] That doesn't exist.

[40:12] You can't carry movies in a bag.

[40:14] Unless they're on tape.

[40:16] All right.

[40:17] Or DVD.

[40:18] Okay.

[40:18] That's the end.

Hallie Haglund

[40:19] So anyway.

[40:20] Reading the letters from the movie bag.

[40:23] We're gonna go through the first one and then the second one.

[40:27] Lots of letters.

[40:28] We gotta read letters.

[40:30] They're coming from the mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] But first they came from you.

[40:35] You sent them to the mailbag at that address.

[40:38] Mailbag.

[40:39] Courtesy of the Flophouse.

[40:40] 123 Main Street.

[40:42] Mailbag town in Film City.

Hallie Haglund

[40:45] No postage necessary.

[40:47] Thank you very much.

Dan McCoy

[40:49] Guys.

[40:50] I told you already.

[40:51] I'm not coming to your improvised musical.

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] That's why we gotta bring it to you.

[40:55] Hallie.

[40:55] What time of the show is it?

Hallie Haglund

[40:58] It's time for letters.

[41:00] Reading from the mailbag.

[41:02] There are gonna be lots of letters.

[41:04] Not handwritten.

[41:05] Mostly typed.

Elliott Kalan

[41:07] There are 26 letters in the alphabet.

[41:10] But not that many letters in the mailbag.

[41:12] It's a tiny bag.

[41:14] A little bag with just a few letters in it.

[41:17] So let's read them and make more room for more letters.

[41:20] Keep writing.

Dan McCoy

[41:21] This letter is from Listen Our Last Name Withheld.

[41:28] I think that's his pseudonym.

[41:29] Very clever.

[41:31] It's titled Something Stupid I May Well End Up Doing Again.

[41:36] Something Stupid I May Well End Up Doing Again.

[41:39] I think that's a David Foster Wallace play.

Elliott Kalan

[41:40] Yeah, it's a reference to his play, Rock of Ages.

[41:45] You didn't know he wrote that?

[41:46] That's why it's the only stage musical full of footnotes.

[41:49] I meant a play on, of course.

Hallie Haglund

[41:51] Wasn't that close to the name of Chris Gethard's memoir?

[41:56] Wasn't it like a really dumb thing I'm about to do again or something?

[42:00] Oh yeah, it was.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Something like that.

[42:01] I thought it was a reference to a supposedly fun thing I'll never do again.

Elliott Kalan

[42:06] But that's what Chris Gethard's thing was to play on, I think.

[42:10] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[42:11] Well, I hope that answers your question.

[42:14] Mailbag close.

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] Close up the mailbag.

[42:17] Throw it in the fire.

Hallie Haglund

[42:19] Throw it in the Yule log.

[42:22] It just bounces against the TV.

Dan McCoy

[42:27] It's elaborate.

[42:28] All right, read the letter.

[42:31] It goes like this.

[42:33] So, I just finished listening to every single episode and movie minute you guys ever made.

[42:38] Oh my god, you must have gone insane.

[42:39] In reverse order.

[42:41] Starting with Journey to the Mysterious Island and ending with Stealth, with a brief trip back to the present for Battleship.

[42:47] That's about four and a half full days of free-ranging conversation about bad movies with the comedy focus.

[42:53] Listened to in less than a month.

[42:54] It was interesting.

Hallie Haglund

[42:57] Dot, dot, dot.

[42:59] Interesting.

[42:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:00] I must say, if nothing else, it made me better understand T.H. White's Merlin.

[43:05] Every now and then, an element of the show that stopped showing up in later episodes appeared and seemed new and baffling to me, but natural and even trite to you.

[43:14] Then, as I worked my way through your back catalog, I too became used to it, learned to love it, until the dreaded moment where you originally introduced it.

[43:22] Oh, it sounds like Time's Arrow by Martin Amis.

[43:25] Meaning that it would be the last time I would encounter it.

[43:29] Meow, meow!

[43:30] What was that?

[43:30] It sounded like some kind of hat.

[43:32] Cat.

[43:33] Perhaps a house cat.

[43:35] I want to recommend this movie.

[43:36] That sounded like a guitar sting, actually.

[43:38] Yeah, well, Dan's not the usual house cat guy.

[43:41] I want to recommend this movie.

[43:43] It's about a freak who lives in a castle and rips off his own ding-dong.

[43:46] Meet our new guest.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] Does he think we haven't heard this stuff?

[43:49] No offense, listener, our name withheld, but...

Dan McCoy

[43:52] Meet our new guest host.

[43:54] He works for The Daily Show or something.

[43:56] So I just bought these new microphones.

[43:58] I'm a girl.

[43:59] No, this is when I came in.

[44:01] I just bought these new microphones.

[44:03] I guess the show will not sound as shitty as it has up until now.

[44:07] Those were fucking heartbreaking, you guys.

[44:09] I thought you might like to know.

[44:11] See, this is the...

[44:11] I made this reference to you, Elliot, about Merlin living backwards in time,

[44:16] and that was the first time you'd heard of it, but...

[44:18] Yeah, but he's really with it, too.

[44:20] Independent confirmation from a listener.

[44:22] Or she.

Elliott Kalan

[44:23] Well, thank you for doing...

[44:24] It's like my whole life was flashing before my eyes, except for most of it,

[44:29] since the Flophouse takes up a relatively small part of my life.

[44:32] But it's interesting.

[44:34] Maybe I'll do it that way now, and I'll think that...

[44:35] About eight hours a month, maybe.

[44:37] I'll think that Simon has replaced me.

[44:39] And then I'll call you up, and I'll be like,

[44:40] Dan, am I still on the Flophouse?

Dan McCoy

[44:42] Yeah.

[44:43] I'll be like, what the fuck's wrong with you?

[44:45] We're recording tonight.

[44:47] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] Get over here.

[44:49] And then I will...

[44:51] Well, never mind.

[44:51] I'm not going to say that.

[44:52] I was about to...

[44:53] What do you think about that letter?

Hallie Haglund

[44:54] I think I can't believe someone spent so much time listening to you guys.

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] Hey, we're very listenable.

[44:59] I guess so.

[45:00] We have a lot of diehard fans, and we love them.

[45:02] Way to go, floppers.

[45:03] Keep it up.

[45:04] Except maybe tone it down on the AV Club comment boards,

[45:07] because you guys can be thugs sometimes.

Dan McCoy

[45:09] Allie, all that time that you've been spending tuning Elliot and me out in your office...

[45:14] We were carrying you.

[45:15] I know.

[45:15] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[45:16] Oh, that's when there was only one set of ear prints.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] That was us.

[45:22] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[45:24] So, this next letter is titled...

[45:28] Second letter.

[45:29] Same as the first.

[45:32] What?

[45:33] No, that would be terrible.

[45:35] Second letter is titled Alcohol and Movies.

[45:39] It's from Robert, last name with hell.

Hallie Haglund

[45:41] Something Dan enjoys both of.

Dan McCoy

[45:44] Alcohol and Movies.

[45:45] Floppers, what are your thoughts on drinking and watching movies?

[45:49] Specifically, drinking and watching a good movie.

[45:51] I recently saw The Master and enjoyed a high ABB IPA during the movie.

[45:58] I felt like the slight buzz combined with the dark theater

[46:01] actually made the alienating nature of the film more pronounced.

[46:05] I know that drinking and action movies and bad movies go together,

[46:08] but I wondered what you thought about drinking with serious films.

[46:11] Does it benefit or detract?

[46:13] I had a similar experience with Drive.

[46:16] I wrote a while ago about Private Lessons star Patrick Piccaninny.

[46:24] Piccaninny.

[46:24] Dan's had a little too much to drink.

[46:26] Yeah, just spell it out, Dan.

[46:27] It's P-I-C-C...

[46:29] Sound it out.

Hallie Haglund

[46:29] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[46:30] P-I-C-C-I-N-I-N-N-I.

[46:34] How the hell would you...

[46:35] Piccaninny, maybe?

[46:36] All right.

[46:37] I wrote a while ago about Private Lessons star Patrick Piccaninny.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] Why would you try to say the name again?

[46:44] Just skip it.

Dan McCoy

[46:45] Running for a judge here in Columbus, Ohio.

[46:48] He did not win.

[46:49] Oh, that's terrible.

[46:50] He needed more lessons.

[46:51] I feel that his lack of Private Lessons-based advertising cost him the election.

[46:56] As a reminder, he played chubby child Sherman.

Elliott Kalan

[47:00] Wait, so he wasn't even the star?

Dan McCoy

[47:02] No.

[47:02] But as a reminder to us, the original question was about drinking...

[47:05] I wish that the...

Elliott Kalan

[47:06] I hope the character's name was chubby child Sherman.

[47:10] I would think...

[47:11] I mean, I don't know.

[47:11] I don't really drink that much usually.

[47:13] You're a nearly teetotal gentleman.

Dan McCoy

[47:15] Not as much as I once was.

[47:16] I gave you a Guinness tonight in celebration of your birthday, but that's a rare...

[47:20] And I drank it.

Hallie Haglund

[47:21] No, I don't know, but like...

[47:22] He poured it down the toilet while you were away, Dan.

[47:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] Well, the intermediate step was putting it in my body and turning it into urine, and then

[47:30] I poured that in the toilet out of me.

[47:32] All right.

[47:33] But the...

[47:34] All out.

[47:35] I would think...

[47:35] Maybe for something like Drive, it could make sense, because Drive is about visual sensation

[47:40] for the most part.

[47:41] And The Master was in a big way, too.

[47:42] And The Master is, too.

[47:43] Yeah.

[47:44] And frankly, drinking before The Master may help to smooth over the story problems that

[47:49] that movie has.

[47:50] But in general, I feel like when you really want to enjoy a movie, it helps to be able to

[47:55] give it total attention.

[47:56] And I don't know.

[47:56] It depends on the person, maybe, if drinking helps you or hurts you with that.

Dan McCoy

[47:59] I mean, I probably wouldn't recommend it if it's something that you're seeing for the

[48:05] first time that you really want to pay a lot of attention to.

[48:07] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[48:08] Or you're taking a test on it or something.

[48:10] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[48:10] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[48:11] You're taking a driving test afterwards.

[48:13] Or during.

[48:14] Before that.

[48:14] I mean, you shouldn't be watching a movie while you're taking a driving test anyway,

[48:17] so don't...

[48:18] And definitely not drinking.

Hallie Haglund

[48:19] Unless you can put the iPod in your field of vision and still see the road, then that's

[48:24] probably okay.

Dan McCoy

[48:25] Maybe, like, the movie Drive might help you.

[48:27] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[48:28] A lot of driving in that movie.

Dan McCoy

[48:30] But if it's a movie that you've seen before that's, like, a personal favorite of your...

[48:33] Like, I feel like I've watched a couple of Coen Brothers movies recently while slowly

[48:39] sipping on some whiskey, and that just enhances the pleasure of watching it.

[48:42] Hmm.

Hallie Haglund

[48:43] Dan's definition of slow.

Elliott Kalan

[48:46] Glug, glug, glug.

[48:47] Yeah, just tossing it back.

[48:48] Yeah.

[48:49] Thanks, guys.

[48:50] Anything short of pouring the bottle into his mouth is slow.

Hallie Haglund

[48:53] He does that pee...

[48:55] Drink a bottle while you're peeing on the floor trick all the time.

[48:59] Mm-hmm.

[48:59] Because that's just how fast it goes through.

Dan McCoy

[49:02] Hallie, what do you have to say about the subject?

Hallie Haglund

[49:04] Uh, I think that, um...

[49:08] Yeah, I agree with Elliot.

[49:10] If it's a certain type of movie, like, I can see why you would enjoy The Master or Drive

[49:15] while drinking a bit.

[49:17] But honestly, I find that I get too tired if I'm drinking and watching a movie.

[49:25] And I either fall asleep or miss things that I wish I hadn't missed.

[49:30] So...

[49:30] That's...

[49:30] Not a big drinker.

[49:31] That's what I would worry about.

Elliott Kalan

[49:33] Because I seem to...

[49:34] I've reached, apparently, the age where I've...

[49:36] The combination of a dark room and anything over, I guess, freezing temperature puts me to sleep.

[49:42] Yeah.

[49:43] So when I'm in a movie theater, I'm already...

[49:44] Even when I'm really loving the movie I'm watching, I'm already at risk of falling asleep.

[49:48] Mm-hmm.

[49:48] So to add alcohol to that would be a bad idea, I think.

Dan McCoy

[49:52] Yeah, it's such a strange, like, calculation.

[49:54] Because I feel like if I start drinking at night, I'm fine.

[49:58] I can stay awake all through the whole thing.

[50:00] But what if you start drinking in the morning?

[50:02] But, no, but if I had, like...

[50:03] You've been drinking all day.

[50:04] If I went to, like, a barbecue or something, like, I'm drinking, like, in, like, the middle of the afternoon.

[50:08] And then I come home.

[50:09] Or you're at work.

[50:10] I'm asleep on the couch.

[50:11] Drinking in the middle of the afternoon.

[50:12] Drinking in the couch.

[50:14] I am asleep on the couch by six or seven.

[50:17] And that's just...

[50:18] That's just aging.

[50:20] Yeah.

[50:20] That has nothing to do with movies.

[50:21] That's just more to do with me, guys.

[50:22] We're all getting older.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] All of us, except Merlin.

Dan McCoy

[50:25] Guys, tell me I still look handsome.

[50:26] Come on.

[50:26] I will not.

[50:28] Come on.

[50:29] Still?

[50:29] Just kidding.

[50:31] I've got a lot of youthful vigor still in me.

[50:33] Hey, why don't you go on to the next letter?

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] Which I believe is...

[50:36] Letter number three.

[50:39] If there's another letter for me.

[50:42] From you.

[50:43] The viewer or listener would be more accurate, I guess.

Hallie Haglund

[50:51] It's the best letter to be.

Elliott Kalan

[50:55] If you're letter...

[50:57] Number three.

[50:59] Number three.

[51:06] Letter number three is taped before a live studio audience.

Hallie Haglund

[51:10] Your cat got so freaked out.

[51:13] They're holding that note.

Dan McCoy

[51:16] Make with the letter, Dan.

[51:17] So, this last letter of the evening is titled, Dan is ignorant.

[51:23] I like this one.

[51:24] Sounds about right.

[51:25] Possession is weird.

[51:27] Dan, how ignorant you are.

[51:30] I can't speak for mainline Protestants.

[51:33] They're too boring to pay much attention to, what with their reasonableness and staidness.

[51:38] But fundamentalist Protestants totally believe in demons pretty much all the time.

[51:43] They denounce psychics and witches as having...

[51:46] Is this off of the devil inside?

[51:48] This is off of the devil inside.

[51:49] Sorry.

[51:50] They denounce psychics and witches as having demonic spirits supplying their eerie powers.

[51:56] Claim that certain monuments and places are territory for specific demons.

[52:00] Maintain that all contact with space aliens is actually demons trying to trick people into

[52:04] doubting the Bible.

[52:06] And believe that visions of the Virgin Mary are actually a plot.

[52:10] A demonic plot.

[52:12] Also, some of the more adventurous fundamentalists believe in Nephilim.

[52:16] That's a deep Torah cut for you.

[52:18] Oh, yeah.

[52:18] I'm familiar with that one.

[52:20] And claim that NASA is currently plotting to create more as a part of an alien breeding

[52:25] program.

[52:26] Which suggests that at some point one of them saw a species.

[52:30] Also...

[52:30] Or the astronaut's wife.

[52:32] Also, he writes, Elliot, on your recommendation, I rewatched Possession.

[52:36] Although your description was basically correct, I don't think you did justice to just how

[52:40] bonkers that movie is.

[52:41] It's super bonkers.

[52:42] He didn't talk about the desultory spy thriller subplot, or the lackadaisical gunfight, or

[52:48] the way that all the characters seem to have some kind of neurological disorder that makes

[52:52] them twitch uncontrollably and shout most of their dialogue, which is all repetitive and

[52:56] doesn't seem to bear any resemblance to how people actually talk.

[52:58] You didn't mention the film's weird...

Elliott Kalan

[53:00] The movie involves a woman having sex with a tentacle monster, and you're like, these characters

[53:04] don't talk like normal people.

[53:05] No, he's getting to it.

[53:06] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[53:06] You didn't mention the film's weird half-baked philosophizing with Jim's like, I believe God

[53:11] is under the porch with the dead dog.

[53:13] Or Heinrich's claim that nobody should ever force their will on anyone else, but that it's

[53:17] cool for him to rape Isabella Ijani because he, quote, asks for nothing and may therefore

[53:23] demand everything.

Elliott Kalan

[53:25] There's also a pretty good, very brief karate fight, too.

Dan McCoy

[53:28] You failed to bring up the tentacle monster's curious evolution, or the way that Sam Neill

[53:32] appears to gradually turn into a rat man over the course of the film.

[53:35] In short, that shit is the weirdest movie I've ever seen, and I've seen The Wedding Troth,

[53:40] Kissed, and Invasion from Inner Earth.

[53:42] And if you can think of anything stranger, please let me know.

[53:45] I want to be able to win any who's-watched-the-weirdest-movie arguments that might arise.

[53:49] Yours and Krom.

[53:51] Lawrence, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[53:52] Oh, it's too bad Stuart's not here to worship Krom with him.

Dan McCoy

[53:55] But to the first point, demonic possession.

[54:00] Yes, I am discounting your evangelical Christians, your fundy Christians.

[54:07] I did grow up in a more mainstream Protestant tradition.

Elliott Kalan

[54:12] But you grew up near a particular Christian sect, right?

[54:16] I did.

[54:16] That is nutsier.

Dan McCoy

[54:17] I grew up near the apostolic Christians, who were, I would say, sort of Mennonite-y.

[54:23] Oh, that's not so crazy, I guess.

[54:25] I wouldn't, yeah, I don't know that they were big on, like, the idea of demonic possession.

[54:29] They were big on the idea of the devil.

[54:31] I would say that the devil is certainly a large component of fundamentalist Protestantism.

[54:38] But I don't know that possession specifically.

Elliott Kalan

[54:41] Well, they do exorcisms.

[54:42] Not them, but you see those videos online of evangelical exorcisms and stuff like that.

[54:48] Usually the demons want to make people gay.

[54:50] Yeah.

[54:51] And that's what they exorcise out.

[54:52] And it's like, demons.

[54:53] Is that really the biggest you could, like, that's the most damage you can think of?

Dan McCoy

[54:56] Usually they exorcise it by inserting the penis into a butthole.

[54:58] Yeah, demons, you gotta get with the times.

[55:00] You're a asshole, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[55:01] Wow, Dan.

[55:02] I'm just saying.

[55:03] Dan, this is a family podcast.

[55:05] Is it?

[55:06] Well, I consider us like family.

Dan McCoy

[55:09] Hey, when you're here, you're family.

Elliott Kalan

[55:11] Yeah, well, because you live in an olive garden.

[55:13] Don't tell anyone.

[55:15] I've been squatting here.

Hallie Haglund

[55:16] Don't tell anyone I'm under the table.

Dan McCoy

[55:20] I'm under your table right now, presuming you're listening to this at an olive garden.

[55:24] Which I assume you are.

[55:25] You should probably take your headphones out and pay attention to your friends.

Hallie Haglund

[55:29] Pay attention to your family.

Elliott Kalan

[55:32] Which you are treated like when you're here.

[55:34] But before you do that, please stick a breadstick or two under the table for me.

Hallie Haglund

[55:38] If you're there alone, then keep listening to the podcast because it's sad enough that you're at an olive garden alone.

Elliott Kalan

[55:43] Hoping, I guess, to flag down a family.

[55:46] Pass a few pepperoncini down to me.

[55:50] And get a bottomless salad bowl?

[55:52] What's bottomless over there?

[55:53] The salad bowl?

[55:54] The soup bowl?

[55:55] The waitresses?

Hallie Haglund

[55:55] Everything except for the customers.

[55:59] They've got plenty of bottom.

[56:01] Oh!

Elliott Kalan

[56:04] Clever.

[56:04] And possession.

[56:05] The dramatic possession.

[56:06] And the movie possession.

[56:07] And we've said it.

[56:08] It's super bonkers.

Hallie Haglund

[56:09] I don't know anything about this.

[56:11] I have nothing to say.

[56:13] All right.

Dan McCoy

[56:13] Let's move on, then.

[56:14] It's fine.

[56:15] We had a lot of good olive garden material.

[56:18] I'd say a lot of good olive olive garden material.

[56:20] Well, it's not like a type five or anything.

[56:22] No.

Elliott Kalan

[56:23] Let's not take it.

[56:23] Let's not do any open mics just yet.

[56:25] We've still got to develop this.

Dan McCoy

[56:27] So anyway, this is the last segment of the evening.

[56:31] Again, a flawless.

[56:32] Your cat is so cute.

Elliott Kalan

[56:34] This is falling apart.

[56:36] Dan, I think Hallie, next time we have her do the show, we've got to put the cat in the other room.

Hallie Haglund

[56:41] She won't pay attention to me.

[56:44] I'm sorry.

Dan McCoy

[56:45] Just because you didn't raise her like I did.

[56:49] I'm sure that if I went over to your house, Henry would ignore me.

Hallie Haglund

[56:52] That's not true.

[56:53] Henry's not like that.

[56:54] He's very friendly.

Elliott Kalan

[56:55] Henry is a cat for the listeners.

Dan McCoy

[56:58] So this is the last segment where we recommend films.

[57:02] That we've seen and we liked.

[57:04] Not like Rocket Bages, which we saw and some of us kind of liked.

[57:09] Elliot, what film would you like to recommend to our listeners?

Elliott Kalan

[57:13] Shall I go first?

[57:14] All right, I shall.

[57:15] I'd like to recommend a movie I saw recently.

[57:17] It's a 1950s kind of military suspense thriller starring Richard Widmark and a very young Rip Torn who's very good in it.

[57:26] And it's the only movie ever directed by Carl Malden, which is too bad because it's not a bad movie.

[57:32] And he does some interesting things with it.

[57:33] It's kind of directed.

[57:35] It's a little stagey, but otherwise I like it.

[57:36] And it's a movie called Time Limit.

[57:39] It's right after the Korean War.

[57:41] And a bunch of American POWs are trying to figure out – or rather Richard Widmark, who's an investigator.

[57:50] I guess he's like whatever the army version of a JAG is, I suppose.

[57:54] He is trying to figure out why this one soldier basically turned and collaborated with the enemy and recorded radio broadcasts and things like that, saying America was at fault for this war.

[58:06] And the soldier is kind of giving up too easily.

[58:10] He refuses to defend himself.

[58:13] And so Richard Widmark thinks there's more to this story than meets the eye.

[58:15] And he has to kind of dig deeper to find out what actually happened in this POW camp and why nobody who was there wants to tell the truth about what happened and is eager to cover it up and send this other guy to sacrifice himself basically and just go to jail for collaborating.

[58:33] And it's a tight little suspense thriller of the kind of liberal humanist message mode that Hollywood did in the 40s and 50s.

[58:42] But it doesn't have a kind of pat ending and it refuses to – it raises questions about kind of when you should follow military law and when not but doesn't answer those questions, which I kind of appreciated.

[58:58] Everyone gets their chance to say – to make a case for themselves.

[59:01] But it's also suspenseful.

[59:03] So time limit.

[59:04] I'd recommend that.

[59:06] Allie Hagelin, would you like to recommend something to our listeners?

Hallie Haglund

[59:08] I was going to steal the movie you told me you were going to say, but now I can't remember what it is.

[59:13] Lucky you.

[59:16] Which makes it – just think, if I can't remember what movie you like, think how hard it is for me to think of a movie that I've ever liked.

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] That doesn't make sense.

[59:24] It would be easier to remember the one that you like.

[59:27] Why don't you recommend like The Last Unicorn or something?

Hallie Haglund

[59:29] I think I did that last time.

[59:31] No, I will recommend –

[59:32] With Music by America.

[59:34] For those who haven't seen it, which I'm sure as the movie buffs that you are, you probably have.

[59:40] But I just saw the original Red Dawn for the first time.

[59:44] And with the new one in the theaters, I'd say revisit that old classic.

[59:48] That old chestnut.

[59:49] I did not realize that everyone who was anyone was in that movie.

[59:55] And I didn't even know that Jennifer Grey was in a movie besides Dirty Dancing and then that movie she did about sailing after she got her nose job and nobody recognized her.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:06] Turns out all her charm was in her nose.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] I know.

[1:00:09] Just like Carl Malden, director of Time Limit.

[1:00:12] See you today.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:14] I can think of when I hear Carl Malden is that MST3K thing that ends in Carl Malden's nose.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:21] Yeah, it's Godzilla's history, I think.

[1:00:26] Oh, no, you don't suppose?

[1:00:28] Oh, yes, yes.

[1:00:29] Horror of horrors, Carl Malden's nose.

[1:00:31] And Carl Malden was still alive at the time.

[1:00:33] Yeah, just cruel.

[1:00:35] So what movie was it?

[1:00:36] Red Dawn?

[1:00:36] Yeah.

[1:00:36] The original Red Dawn.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:38] R-D-O-G.

[1:00:40] I would like to recommend a film called Tabloid by famed documentarian Errol Morris, who you may know for films such as The Thin Blue Line, Gates of Heaven, The Fog of War, Fast, Cheap, and Out of Control.

[1:01:00] And Mr. Death.

[1:01:02] That's a good one, too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:04] Some other ones.

[1:01:06] Vernon, Florida.

[1:01:07] Yeah, that one, too.

[1:01:08] I don't know why I'm blanking on his more recent movies.

[1:01:12] Famously.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:13] First Person series.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:15] One of the few people to be so frustrating that Werner Herzog had trouble dealing with him.

[1:01:20] Oh, really?

[1:01:20] I didn't realize.

[1:01:21] I'll tell you some stories.

[1:01:22] Just, he was one of Werner Herzog's students.

[1:01:26] And he was just very difficult to deal with.

[1:01:29] And there's a story that he, I think it was Gates of Heaven he was working on, but I'm not sure.

[1:01:33] And he didn't have the money to finish it.

[1:01:35] And Werner Herzog, and he was mad about it for some reason.

[1:01:37] And Werner Herzog went to see him and literally gave him the cash to finish it.

[1:01:41] And Errol Morris got so mad that he threw the money out the window of his apartment.

[1:01:45] And Werner Herzog went outside and got it and brought it back up to him and said, don't do that again.

[1:01:50] That's great.

[1:01:51] Hopefully I'm remembering the story correctly.

[1:01:52] And he has a book out now.

[1:01:54] But...

[1:01:55] Werner Herzog or...

[1:01:55] No, Errol Morris.

[1:01:56] Errol Morris.

[1:01:56] He has a book refuting the McGinnis book, Fatal Vision, about the murders that led to the very, very excellent book, The Journalist and the Murderer, by Anne Jacobs.

[1:02:08] No, something...

[1:02:09] Jan...

[1:02:10] No, Janet Malcolm.

[1:02:11] Sorry.

[1:02:11] Janet Malcolm.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:13] But Tabloid is about a woman who, depending on who you ask, either she kidnapped a young Mormon gentleman, chained him to her bed, and raped him,

[1:02:28] or that young Mormon gentleman claimed that she kidnapped him and raped him because his religion made it so shameful for him to have had these sexual desires for this woman that,

[1:02:45] rather than be excommunicated, he made this up.

[1:02:48] And this was a tabloid sensation in the British press.

[1:02:52] And it's a...

[1:02:53] And I won't go too much further.

[1:02:54] There are, like, more revelations in the movie.

[1:02:57] But it's fun to discover them for yourself.

[1:03:00] Yes, exactly like the book of revelations.

[1:03:01] Like the seven-headed beast and stuff like that?

[1:03:04] But it's a movie about, you know, like, the nature of truth and constructing truth.

[1:03:12] But it's also just a very entertaining movie about tabloid journalism.

[1:03:17] And it's an interesting character study of this lady who is obviously crazy, but the level to which she's crazy is maybe not so obvious.

[1:03:27] And it's just done very entertainingly.

[1:03:29] You know, Errol Morris is always good for an entertaining documentary.

[1:03:33] So that's my recommendation.

[1:03:36] What do you say, guys?

[1:03:37] What do you think?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:38] I say...

[1:03:39] Sure.

[1:03:40] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:42] Hallie, thank you for stepping in.

[1:03:45] Thank you so much for being our guest host.

[1:03:46] Which, Stuart's stupid job kept him from being here.

[1:03:49] Yeah, well...

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:50] We can only pay you in being close to a cat.

[1:03:53] Yeah.

Hallie Haglund

[1:03:54] Aww.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:55] But look at it.

[1:03:57] It's lying there, not doing much of anything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:59] Just like a cat.

[1:04:01] Adorable.

[1:04:02] But thank you for being here.

[1:04:03] To our listeners, thank you for listening.

[1:04:05] And to Dan, thank you for being here.

[1:04:08] Whoa, Hallie.

[1:04:09] Sorry, just kidding.

[1:04:11] Well, no, actually, you know what?

[1:04:12] That's better than what I was going to say.

[1:04:13] Yeah, go fuck yourself, Dan.

[1:04:15] Thanks, guys.

[1:04:16] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:04:19] I'm Elliot...

[1:04:20] Hold on.

[1:04:22] Kalen.

[1:04:22] Elliot Kalen.

Hallie Haglund

[1:04:24] And I am, and always will be, Hallie Haglund.

[1:04:27] Wait, that's the kind of thing I usually say.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:30] Good night, everyone.

[1:04:34] You're just staring off into space.

[1:04:35] I'm watching Elliot.

[1:04:36] You're like that dog in that video we watched.

Hallie Haglund

[1:04:42] He loved getting a bath.

[1:04:44] Yeah, it was weird.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:46] I don't know why it was versus a bath, since he loved it.

Hallie Haglund

[1:04:50] I know.

[1:04:51] It was like, it wasn't versus.

[1:04:53] It was, Mead's bath falls in love.

The Flop House: Episode #116 - Rock of Ages

Transcript

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