The Flop House: Episode #117 - Seeking Justice

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Merry Cagemas and a floppy new year.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:33] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:35] And over here, it's Elliot Kalin.

[0:39] By a nose. Winner.

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] Paying off at odds of 10 to 1, Elliot Kalin.

[0:47] So this is the movie house where we review movies.

[0:49] No.

[0:50] And what movie did we review this time?

[0:53] We reviewed Abduction.

Dan McCoy

[0:55] No, that was not last week.

[0:58] That's like three episodes ago.

[1:00] That was two weeks ago.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00] So thanks for knocking on the door of the movie house.

[1:03] You're welcome to enter now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06] You're mixing up so many things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07] I don't know. I don't know. Let's see where this goes.

[1:09] I'm interested to see how this plays out.

[1:11] Have a seat. I'll give you a plate full of hot Stephen movie nuggets.

[1:15] There's nothing in the rule book that says he can't say the wrong name for the podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:21] This is what I told you would happen if we let Stuart take the reins.

[1:25] Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

[1:27] Yeah, the Stuart cannot hold.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29] Stuart slouches towards Bethlehem.

[1:31] The Stuart cannot hear the falconer.

[1:33] So have a seat over there on the movie house couch.

[1:36] TM.

[1:37] Registered trademark.

[1:38] All right.

[1:39] So what podcast is this if it's not the movie house?

[1:42] This is the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:43] The Flophouse.

[1:44] You're right.

[1:45] It's a bad movie podcast.

[1:47] He's right, everybody.

[1:48] Where we watch a bad movie and then we discuss it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] Let's not...

[1:51] Post-watching.

[1:52] Let's reserve judgment.

[1:53] Maybe it's not a bad movie we watched.

[1:55] But probably it is.

[1:56] Spoiler alert, it was.

Dan McCoy

[1:59] Spoiler alert, we watched a movie.

[2:00] Hey, guys.

[2:01] Happy holidays.

[2:03] Hey.

[2:04] What is this?

[2:04] I just want to thank everybody.

[2:05] It's the cow house.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] I want to thank everybody for coming out to our live screening that we had a little while

[2:10] ago.

Elliott Kalan

[2:11] Because we're certainly not recording this before the live screening.

[2:14] Shut up, dude.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] I'm sure it went wonderfully.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] That part where Elliot did a handstand and...

Dan McCoy

[2:23] When Stuart exposed himself to the audience, I...

Elliott Kalan

[2:26] That was weird, but it felt right.

[2:27] Yeah, and when Dan fell asleep on stage and no one noticed.

[2:30] That was embarrassing.

[2:32] But anyway, thanks for...

[2:33] But how about when Carla Gugino came out and kissed me right on the face?

[2:36] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] Pretty great.

[2:37] It's like both my fantasies and Elliot's fantasies coming true.

[2:41] But just for me.

[2:41] My fantasy of Elliot kissing somebody.

[2:44] I am married, Stuart.

[2:46] Yeah, but...

[2:47] Wait.

[2:48] Okay.

[2:49] So, we watched Abduction.

[2:50] Thank you for coming out to our Brad's Live show.

Dan McCoy

[2:53] That definitely has happened by the time we were taping this show.

[2:57] But before that, let's get to what this show is actually about.

[3:02] The movie we'll watch tonight.

[3:03] Well, what do we do on this show, Dan?

[3:04] We watch a bad movie and then we discuss it.

[3:06] Oh, you said that already.

[3:07] Okay.

[3:09] What's the name of this podcast?

[3:11] Abduction.

[3:12] It's called Abduction.

[3:14] Usually it takes a little longer for things to break down, but that's fine.

[3:18] No.

[3:18] Well, what movie did we watch tonight?

[3:20] God.

Stuart Wellington

[3:21] Are we caught in a time loop?

[3:22] So, we watched the movie Seeking Justice.

[3:26] Seeking Justice.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] Desperately Seeking Justice.

[3:30] Rated R.

[3:31] Is playing out.

[3:32] We didn't see Rated R.

[3:34] Yes, it was.

[3:35] It was a Rated R.

[3:36] It had a rape scene in it.

[3:37] Of course it was Rated R.

[3:39] Okay.

[3:40] There was, people got shot with guns.

[3:41] Is that automatically making Rated R?

[3:42] I think maybe it's the severity of the scene, but I would guess yes.

[3:46] Okay.

[3:47] So, uh.

[3:47] It's very hard for me to imagine a PG-13 film that has a rape scene in it.

Stuart Wellington

[3:50] We saw a partially shirtless Nicolas Cage.

[3:53] Partially shirtless?

[3:54] Like he was wearing a tiny shirt?

[3:55] And he was jacked.

[3:55] No, we only saw like the top of his bosoms.

[3:59] Yeah.

[4:00] So, should we talk about what happens in this movie?

Dan McCoy

[4:02] It was like he was built with a protractor, that man.

[4:04] Okay, so what did we...

[4:05] Now, Dan, I believe we're celebrating a very specific holiday with this movie.

[4:08] We are celebrating Cagemas.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] Happy Cagemas, everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[4:13] Oh, man.

[4:14] What, wait.

[4:15] What goes into Cagemas?

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] Well, it's the day we commemorate the birth of our savior, Nicolas Cage, who was born in

[4:22] a manger because there was no room left in the respectable acting house.

[4:27] And it's...

[4:27] There's no room left in hell, so the cages walk the earth?

[4:30] Yeah, exactly.

[4:31] And he was born in a cage.

[4:33] Okay.

[4:33] He designed himself.

[4:36] And what happened was there were three wise men who showed up, all of them Nicolas Cage,

[4:41] each crazier than the last.

[4:43] Each with different hairlines.

[4:45] Well, they gave him three gifts.

[4:46] They came bearing three gifts.

[4:47] Bad wigs, bad accents, and crazy hand motions.

Dan McCoy

[4:52] That's the source of Cagemas' power.

Elliott Kalan

[4:55] Yeah.

[4:55] Wait, his name is Cagemas?

[4:57] Yeah.

[4:58] So, wait.

[4:59] Because you know Jesus' name is not Christmas.

[5:01] What?

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] Is that why we watched a movie with Nicolas Cage in it?

[5:06] Because it's Cagemas.

[5:07] Oh, man.

[5:07] Merry Cagemas.

[5:08] Did you get me a present?

[5:09] Let's start...

[5:09] I mean, I...

[5:10] Give me a minute.

[5:12] I gotta go through damn shit.

Dan McCoy

[5:14] Elliot gave me a very nice Cagemas present.

[5:17] It's a wig with a pronounced widow's peak.

[5:22] Mm-hmm.

[5:23] Okay.

[5:23] I don't see their relationship.

[5:25] And where you are now.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] And Dan gave me bulgy eyes.

[5:28] They make your eyes bulge out when you're yelling at stuff.

[5:32] Merry Cagemas.

[5:32] Wait, I can play.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] And I gave you guys a really funny looking goatee.

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] Boo.

[5:39] Dan made a hair joke.

Dan McCoy

[5:42] So, we watched a movie called Seeking Justice.

[5:45] Starring Nicolas Cage.

[5:46] Starring Nicolas Cage.

[5:47] January Jones.

[5:48] The unlikely named January Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[5:50] And the even less likely named Guy Pearce.

[5:54] And yet all those names exist.

Dan McCoy

[5:56] The non-porn actor Guy Pearce.

[6:00] And it's directed by Roger Donaldson.

[6:02] Director of Cocktail.

[6:03] Donald Rogerson?

Stuart Wellington

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:06] No.

[6:06] I mean, it could...

[6:07] And Harold Perrinos in the movie.

[6:08] It's one of those switch-em-up names.

Elliott Kalan

[6:09] But he directed a number of movies like Cocktail and the remake of The Getaway.

[6:13] But not FX.

[6:14] Not FX.

[6:15] And Dante's...

[6:16] Not FX, The Deadly Art of Illusion.

[6:18] Dante's Peak.

[6:18] A lot of movies that no one has ever asked, who directed this?

[6:22] Dante's Peak?

[6:22] It really reminds you that all movies have directors.

[6:25] Even the ones where you're like, oh, I never thought or cared about who directed that.

Dan McCoy

[6:29] He is the very definition of a journeyman director.

[6:34] A man who has directed...

Elliott Kalan

[6:36] Because he shoots each film on a different continent.

Dan McCoy

[6:38] A man who has directed several...

[6:39] That's the one where the guy jumps bodies back and forth, right?

[6:42] But you wouldn't be like, oh, I gotta see the new Roger Donaldson movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:46] Yeah, you'd never ever do that.

[6:48] You got that...

[6:49] That Roger Donaldson stamp.

Dan McCoy

[6:52] Francois Truffaut is not gonna...

[6:53] He's not an auteur.

[6:54] Not gonna write a book.

[6:56] Truffaut slash Donaldson.

Elliott Kalan

[6:57] I don't think Truffaut's writing any books.

[6:58] He's been dead for almost 30 years.

Dan McCoy

[7:02] Well, 20 years, let's say.

[7:03] 20 years.

[7:04] I'm just saying the auteur theory is not necessarily gonna be applied to Mr. Donaldson.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] The otter theory?

[7:09] So he's not an otter.

Dan McCoy

[7:12] The human otter theory.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] Which is that otters are not a good vehicle for Christmas cheer.

[7:16] Happy Cagemas, everybody!

[7:18] So Seeking Justice.

[7:19] Should we talk...

[7:20] It's a Roger Donaldson joint.

[7:22] Let's talk about what happens there.

[7:24] Yeah, let's do it.

[7:24] Nicholas Cage is Will Gerard, a mild-mannered English teacher in New Orleans.

[7:30] I wouldn't either.

[7:31] He has a gross, grimy goatee and floppy hair.

[7:35] He looks like a pedophile.

[7:36] He's married to January Jones.

[7:38] He's married to January Jones.

Dan McCoy

[7:39] Who is 20 years younger than him at best.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] And she's like a Nolens socialite, right?

[7:45] No, she's a cello player.

[7:46] Oh, okay.

[7:47] And they are happily in love, which we know because we see them on a date where they go

[7:52] to a Mardi Gras-themed nightclub.

[7:53] Because, hey, you live in New Orleans.

[7:55] What don't you get enough of?

[7:56] Mardi Gras.

Dan McCoy

[7:57] Yeah, everything's easy in the big easy.

[7:59] Am I right, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[8:00] Actually, many things are hard.

[8:01] They're still rebuilding from the hurricane.

[8:03] I wouldn't guarantee what you just said.

[8:06] Bam.

[8:06] That's what they say.

[8:07] Gumby, am I right?

[8:08] Eat a big steaming bowl of Gumby?

[8:11] No.

[8:14] Some kind of stew made out of clay?

[8:16] I don't understand.

[8:18] So anyway, he's a mild man.

[8:19] So he wears a mask.

[8:20] So he wears a mask in one scene.

[8:25] So Nicolas Cage is a mild-minute English teacher.

[8:27] He also likes to play chess.

[8:29] And there's a kid in his class who's acting up, who he tries to give some guidance to.

[8:34] That kid is totally unimportant to the plot.

[8:36] The kid's a cell phone enthusiast.

Dan McCoy

[8:37] I'm glad that you're giving him weight in this synopsis.

[8:41] And his name is Edwin.

Elliott Kalan

[8:42] And he's also friends with the school principal, right?

[8:46] Or assistant principal?

Dan McCoy

[8:47] Yeah, he's friends with the principal Harold Perrineau, who you may remember from Lost,

[8:51] where he yelled Walt a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[8:53] Yeah, I mean, he's in a bunch of shit.

[8:55] Like, he's in Oz and...

Dan McCoy

[8:57] Yeah, no, he's a fine actor.

[8:58] I'm just saying.

[8:59] Most people know him from Lost, where he yelled Walt a lot.

[9:02] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] Now, Nicolas Cage is away playing chess when January Jones' wife is, and there's no pretty

[9:10] way to say this, raped by a man wearing snakeskin boots.

[9:13] Now, it's...

[9:15] We're not saying that all men who wear snakeskin boots are rapists.

[9:18] We're just saying probably.

[9:20] And that if you know someone with snakeskin boots, or you own snakeskin boots...

[9:23] Lock up your vagina.

[9:25] Or, well...

[9:26] Wait, what?

Dan McCoy

[9:28] The most insensitive thing I could have said.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] I'm sorry.

[9:31] One of them, yeah.

[9:32] Or lock yourself in a room if you own snakeskin boots, because you're a danger.

[9:36] Like a werewolf.

Stuart Wellington

[9:38] So, Nicolas Cage goes...

[9:38] Yeah, if you have like a Mr. Hyde episode, put those things on and go running wild.

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] Just go to town with your snakeskin boots and you're evil, because they go hand in hand.

[9:46] So, Nicolas Cage finds her at the hospital.

[9:49] I mean, he's told she's at the hospital.

[9:50] It's not like he was visiting there and he bumped into her.

[9:52] I mean, yeah.

[9:53] And he is distraught.

[9:55] She's all...

[9:56] She's been battered.

[9:56] She's been traumatized.

[9:58] Yeah, distraught.

Dan McCoy

[9:58] And by the way, insensitive locking up vagina jokes aside, this is a terrible thing to

[10:03] hinge a stupid, stupid thriller on.

Elliott Kalan

[10:05] The movie really goes too far in doing that to January Jones and leaving her with a really

[10:10] battered face for a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[10:11] Yeah, she looks horrible.

[10:13] And it's just like, well, I don't think the movie earned this like 15 minutes in at best.

[10:18] If that, it's really quick in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:22] And while he's in the waiting room, all by himself in his lonesome, Guy Pearce walks up

[10:27] to him and...

[10:28] Bald Guy Pearce.

[10:29] Bald Guy Pearce.

[10:30] Which means that he's evil Guy Pearce.

[10:30] Yeah, here's the lesson in this movie.

[10:32] Anyone with no hair is evil.

[10:34] Except for one character.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] It's borne out by my experience in life.

[10:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[10:39] A lot of evil people in this world.

[10:40] Lex Luthor, Mr. Clean.

[10:44] What is it?

[10:44] Montel Williams.

[10:45] Yeah.

[10:46] A lot of evil people.

[10:47] The triumvirate.

[10:49] Michael...

[10:49] Keith Ablow.

[10:50] Dr. Keith Ablow, Michael Chiklis.

[10:52] All evil.

[10:54] Christopher Lloyd in the Addams Family movies.

[10:56] Not in real life.

Stuart Wellington

[10:59] That Dr. Freeze guy from that Batman movie.

[11:02] Dr. Freeze.

[11:03] He went back and got his doctorate.

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] Yeah.

[11:07] Mr. Freeze lives in Florida.

[11:09] Call me Stanley Freeze.

[11:13] So anyway.

[11:15] So Bald Guy Pearce sits down.

[11:16] Dr. and Mrs. Freeze would like to invite you to.

[11:19] So Bald Guy Pearce says to him, hey, look, we know the guy who did this.

[11:24] They never explain how they know the guy who did this.

[11:26] I represent a group that seeks to take care of justice.

[11:30] We're seeking justice.

[11:32] We're seeking justice.

[11:33] Or as Dan put it, seeking just ice.

[11:36] We got everything we need for the party.

[11:38] Oh no, the ice.

Dan McCoy

[11:41] Yeah, it's on the Evite.

[11:43] Yeah, they already got their so-

[11:44] To break something.

[11:45] Bring ice.

[11:46] Their waters and full waves.

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] Seeking just ice.

[11:48] And he says, we're part of this group.

[11:51] We will kill this guy for you, but it's implied you're going to owe us a favor.

[11:55] But that we track down men who have committed crimes when the police fail.

[11:58] And Nicolas Cage is like, no, no, no.

[12:01] Well, I don't know.

[12:02] And Guy Pearce says, all right, I'm going to give you some totally complicated directions

[12:07] to say whether you're in on this death cult.

[12:09] That involves a candy purchase.

[12:11] Yeah, if you want to join this vigilante murder group, go to the vending machine and buy two

[12:16] candy bars.

Dan McCoy

[12:19] Do a specific type of candy bar.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] The duality of it is telling.

[12:23] Oh yeah, it's man's nature, good and evil, yin and yang.

Dan McCoy

[12:25] One candy bar, he might just be hungry.

Elliott Kalan

[12:27] But two of that kind of candy bar.

[12:29] He's either really hungry or he's really hungry for justice.

Dan McCoy

[12:32] And it's the forever bar, right?

Elliott Kalan

[12:33] Yeah, it's called the forever bar.

[12:35] I don't know if that's a real candy bar or not.

[12:36] It's possible no candy maker wanted to be associated with murder and vigilante justice.

[12:41] The forever bar from De Beers.

[12:44] Tell her you'd give her candy all over again.

[12:47] So Nicolas Cage makes his decision and he goes to the break room, I guess.

[12:51] And he stands in front of the vending machine and thinks about buying this candy for so long.

[12:57] And they're really trying to build suspense out of a man buying candy from a vending machine.

Stuart Wellington

[13:01] Five to ten minutes of milking this candy scene.

[13:03] There's at least three flashbacks to like...

[13:06] His battered wife.

[13:07] Two minutes ago in the movie when he saw his battered wife.

Dan McCoy

[13:10] I remember that I love my wife and she got raped.

[13:13] I gotta get these candy bars.

[13:15] No, but I don't want to kill this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] They almost go as far as to flashback to Guy Pearce telling him to buy the candy bars.

[13:21] They don't do that but you're waiting for it.

[13:23] So eventually after an agonizing hour, he buys these candy bars and he's contacted by Guy Pearce.

[13:29] All right, we'll take care of it.

[13:31] And some random guy is sent to shoot snakeskin boots in the head and does it.

[13:37] Yeah.

[13:37] Case closed.

[13:38] Case closed.

[13:40] End of story, right?

[13:41] Wrong.

[13:42] Because six months later, after January Jones seems to have recovered remarkably well from the trauma of her violent attack,

[13:48] it seems that this group wants Nicolas Cage to repay the favor.

[13:53] Bum, bum, bum.

[13:54] He's made a deal with the devil, if you will.

[13:56] If you will, if the devil is bald Guy Pearce.

[13:59] I mean, I think he'd play pretty good by that.

[14:02] And Guy Pearce gets in touch with Nicolas Cage through some of the most elaborate chicanery.

[14:07] Like, for instance, telling that he's at – Nicolas Cage is at a bar with his wife, January Jones.

[14:11] They're playing pool like husband and wives do.

[14:14] Sure.

[14:14] He gets a phone call from Guy Pearce that says, it's me.

[14:18] Tell your wife it's your sister on the phone.

[14:20] Go outside.

[14:22] Now go to this pharmacy around – this drugstore around the corner.

[14:24] I guess a bodega.

[14:26] Go to this bodega.

[14:27] Buy some gum.

[14:27] Then go through the back door.

[14:29] He goes through the back door and there's a car with Guy Pearce in it.

Dan McCoy

[14:32] Yeah.

[14:32] It's like, why did you just tell him over the phone?

[14:33] It's like Guy Pearce has a sideline in snack concessions.

Elliott Kalan

[14:36] I think Guy Pearce – I think the point of this movie is that this vigilante monster gets a commission from all the candy he sells.

[14:42] That's how they fund the operation.

[14:44] So for a while in the beginning you think he might just be a salesman for forever bars that has a really creative sales campaign which involves staging rapes and then offering vigilante justice to the distraught husbands.

[14:56] Now he tells Nicolas Cage, we need you to kill this – no, we need you to go to the zoo.

[15:02] No, actually he doesn't even tell him that.

[15:03] He gives him a letter addressed to Santa Claus and he says, go to the zoo tomorrow at 4.15 and mail this letter at the mailbox.

[15:12] Then when he gets to the zoo, he gets a phone call that says, are you holding the letter?

[15:15] Open it.

[15:15] He opens it and there's a picture of a woman and a couple of little girls and a seedy looking guy and a phone number.

[15:21] It says, all right, memorize the phone number and those pictures.

[15:24] Buy a ticket to the zoo, then call me.

[15:27] And he calls him and says, okay, you're going to follow that woman and her daughters.

[15:30] They're at the zoo.

[15:31] And if you see the guy in the picture, you have to call us.

[15:35] And he doesn't see the guy in the picture.

[15:37] Instead, he watches a show about elephants.

[15:40] Where they introduce elephants and tell everyone their age and weight, which is the rudest thing you can do.

[15:47] Come on, the lady elephants.

[15:49] And they'll remember that.

[15:53] Elephant joke.

[15:54] All right, so he doesn't see him.

[15:57] But eventually he does.

[15:58] Long story short, Nicolas Cage is told to kill this guy.

[16:02] He's told this guy is a pedophile.

[16:04] We're going to seek justice.

[16:06] You murder him because you owe us because we killed the man who attacked your wife.

Dan McCoy

[16:09] Sure, but you're glossing over the fact that he's convinced to kill this man by the implicit threat to his wife, January Jones,

[16:16] which is spelled out literally by people breaking into his house a couple times and rearranging the magnet letters on his fridge to say the word choose.

Stuart Wellington

[16:28] Suspicious.

[16:29] Choose between your love for your wife and your morals.

[16:31] I like to think that January Jones was changing those letters.

[16:36] She was trying to remind herself to choose something.

Dan McCoy

[16:38] Yeah.

[16:38] Choose life.

[16:40] Choose a job.

[16:42] Et cetera.

[16:43] Is that train spotting?

[16:44] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:44] It's okay.

[16:45] It's as true now as it was then.

[16:47] So he pushes some turd off a bridge.

[16:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:52] So he takes a bus to an overpass and the pedophile shows up with a bicycle.

[16:59] Sign of a pedophile.

[17:00] And Nicolas Cage says, hey, I got to talk to you.

[17:02] The guy throws his bike at Nicolas Cage.

[17:04] There's a brief struggle and the guy falls off the overpass into traffic and gets killed.

[17:08] Uh-oh.

[17:10] Nicolas Cage didn't murder him, but he's dead now.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Yeah.

[17:14] But he gets credit for it.

[17:16] With the organization.

[17:17] With the organization.

[17:17] That's good.

[17:18] Yeah.

[17:19] And then-

[17:20] That credit can be turned in for, you know, like, prizes or-

[17:23] Yeah, coffee.

Elliott Kalan

[17:26] Pogs.

[17:26] Gift certificates for local retailers.

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] I'll take the pogs over those gift certificates.

[17:32] Really?

[17:32] Because they're worthless.

[17:34] Pogs have a lot more.

[17:35] It's the personal touch.

Dan McCoy

[17:37] Personal.

[17:38] I don't know about that.

[17:39] I mean, the collector's island.

Elliott Kalan

[17:40] Oh, also, we should have mentioned that there's a code phrase for the organization, which is

[17:44] the hungry rabbit jumps.

[17:46] Why would we mention that?

[17:47] Because-

[17:48] I don't know.

[17:48] It's stupid.

[17:49] Oh, okay.

[17:50] So the phrase the hungry rabbit jumps is said like a billion times in the movie.

[17:54] Well, it sticks with you after the movie.

[17:56] Yeah.

[17:56] It haunts your dreams.

Dan McCoy

[17:58] Point is, the guy, Nicholas Cage, kills this man.

[18:02] Or-

[18:02] Kinda.

[18:03] He's over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

[18:04] The guy dies.

Elliott Kalan

[18:04] At best, it's accidental manslaughter.

Dan McCoy

[18:08] He's pulled in by the cops.

Elliott Kalan

[18:10] By two cops.

Dan McCoy

[18:12] Because they have a camera on part of the overpass to show that Nicholas Cage was there.

[18:19] When the man was killed.

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] But the camera that was pointed at the underpass-

[18:22] That could have proved his innocence.

[18:23] The tape is missing.

[18:24] Oh, my God.

[18:24] But they also found on the phone of the guy who was killed video of Nicholas Cage at the zoo.

[18:31] Seems like this guy was following Nick Cage.

[18:33] What was that all about?

[18:34] And they learned that his name was different than the name that he was told.

[18:37] And also that the man who died was an investigative reporter.

[18:41] Not a pedophile.

[18:43] Well, no, we don't know that.

[18:44] He could have been a pedophile.

[18:45] He could have been a pedophile.

[18:46] But we know that he was an investigative reporter now.

Stuart Wellington

[18:47] We know he's an investigative reporter.

[18:49] We learn later he's got a boat.

[18:50] I mean-

[18:51] Yeah.

[18:52] All signs point to not pedophile.

Dan McCoy

[18:54] He could have investigated, you know, what kids are like when you get them on a boat.

[18:59] But probably not.

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] Now, there's a local police lieutenant.

[19:04] Sergeant?

[19:05] I don't remember.

[19:05] A higher ranking policeman.

[19:07] Lieutenant Durgan?

[19:08] Lieutenant Durgan.

[19:09] We never learned his first name.

[19:10] Tyler Durgan.

[19:11] Even when he's interviewed on television, on the news, his chyron just says, Lieutenant

[19:14] Durgan.

[19:15] You think his first name was Durgan?

[19:17] Dirty Durgan.

[19:18] Dirty Durgan.

[19:19] Must have been so hard to grow up as a kid with the name Dirty.

[19:22] Double D, they call him.

Stuart Wellington

[19:23] Well, it's the South.

[19:24] So they find out this dude that they set up and he fights this organization.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] Durgan comes in and says to him, gives him a test, a word association test, and the

[19:35] last answer is, the hungry rabbit jumps.

[19:37] Durgan's part of the group.

[19:38] He unlocks Nicolas Cage's handcuffs and says, you've got to get out of here because those

[19:42] guys are going to try to kill you.

[19:44] And Nicolas Cage leaves.

[19:46] Sure enough, the bad guys chase him.

[19:48] And there's an exciting chase across, I think, the same highway overpass we saw earlier.

[19:54] Because there's not that many locations in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[19:56] You say exciting ironically, but it is actually the most exciting part of the movie.

[19:59] Well, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] A guy gets run over by a car.

[20:00] It was pretty great.

Dan McCoy

[20:01] Like, Nicolas Cage almost gets killed by a jackknifing truck.

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] Like, you know, for action in a low budget film.

[20:11] The part where this short truck with a back loaded full of stuff swings around and almost

[20:15] hits Nicolas Cage.

[20:16] And it does look like Nicolas Cage or his stuntman was almost smacked in the face by a

[20:19] truck.

Stuart Wellington

[20:20] It seems genuinely exciting for a few seconds.

[20:21] It looks like it gives him a little tap on the behind.

Elliott Kalan

[20:24] What, like the truck is sexually harassing him?

Stuart Wellington

[20:26] Yeah, it's like, hey, good job, dude.

[20:27] Sweet booty, Nicolas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[20:29] Hey, back that sugar up here, Nicolas Cage.

[20:33] So yeah, he escapes from the bad guys.

[20:34] He escapes from the army of bald vigilantes who are after him.

[20:37] Army of two, three.

[20:39] And I forgot to mention that he also goes to a funeral for the reporter who died and finds

[20:44] out that he was a real reporter who is dead now.

[20:49] He doesn't learn much while he's there, actually.

Stuart Wellington

[20:51] But he knows that the reporter was researching the organization that he's tied to.

Elliott Kalan

[20:55] Yeah, that he's been spreading tales about a vigilante organization, but his research

[20:59] was hidden.

[21:00] No.

[21:01] Tales from the Living.

Stuart Wellington

[21:02] Tales from the Dark Side, perhaps.

Dan McCoy

[21:03] Tales from the Dark Side, the movie?

Stuart Wellington

[21:05] Yeah, maybe.

[21:06] That's the one with Buster Poindexter, right?

[21:08] Yeah.

[21:08] Okay.

[21:09] I think it's Sonic and Tails.

Elliott Kalan

[21:14] Okay, so.

[21:16] Anyway, long story short, Nicolas Cage decides to turn the tables on his erstwhile

[21:21] kid captors.

[21:22] Kid captors?

[21:24] They want to catch that kid.

[21:26] And he does some investment.

[21:27] They want to bag that bird?

[21:29] They want to bag that bird, catch that kid, and cage that cage.

[21:33] All those things.

[21:34] And he does some amateur sleuthing.

[21:36] Okay.

[21:37] Snooping around.

[21:38] And finds out that the...

[21:42] He finds the reporter's notes, basically.

[21:44] Like, he goes to the reporter's desk.

[21:45] He finds a receipt that leads him to a gas station, where he bribes his way into learning that

[21:49] the reporter had a boat.

[21:51] And it's very easy to break into the boat storage.

[21:53] And he opens up a drawer on the boat, and there's a locked box inside.

[21:57] And inside the box are his notes.

[21:59] And the DVD...

[21:59] Oh, he follows the trail of breadcrumbs all the way to the end.

[22:03] Yeah.

[22:04] And the DVD inside that has some evidence that other people are involved in this organization.

[22:09] And he also explains what the...

[22:11] He explains what the phrase, the hungry rabbit jumps, means, but it's so stupid it's not worth

[22:15] getting into.

Dan McCoy

[22:16] Yeah.

[22:16] It's like a fucking acrostic or something.

[22:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:20] So, Nicolas Cage sets up a trap to trap the trappers, and tells Guy Pearce...

Dan McCoy

[22:25] Looks like the trappers are the ones who are about to get trapped.

Elliott Kalan

[22:29] Looks like this trapper is a keeper.

Stuart Wellington

[22:32] No, I like that, too.

[22:33] Yep.

[22:34] It looks like Nicolas Cage is about to put his enemies in a cage...

[22:40] Oh, wait.

[22:40] Hold on.

[22:41] Yeah, that's not very...

[22:41] I'm gonna give you one more.

[22:42] Give it one more try.

[22:43] It's like the bad guys are about to be served a cage.

[22:48] No, give it one more try.

[22:51] Maybe the bald guys are gonna wish they weren't in a cage.

[22:56] No, I think cage is a dead end.

[22:58] It's leading you down the wrong way.

[22:59] Okay.

[23:00] Well, I'll write something up.

[23:02] Put it up on the Facebook page or some shit.

[23:04] It sounds good.

Elliott Kalan

[23:06] So, anyway, he tells Guy Pearce, go to whatever that stadium is that they have there.

[23:12] Yeah, some bullshit stadium.

[23:13] Monster truck rallies, right?

[23:14] And there's a monster truck rally.

[23:15] Buy a ticket, go to that seat, then sit there, then come find me, go to the bathroom, then

[23:20] buy a hot dog.

[23:21] Like, he gives him the same kind of bullshit instructions.

[23:23] And this was literally, for me, my favorite part of the movie.

[23:26] Because Nicolas Cage was not only getting back at him, he was getting back at him in the

[23:29] pettiest way possible by putting him through the dumbest hoops.

[23:33] Like, I wish I'd just, like, bend down and untie your shoe.

[23:36] Okay, tie it again.

[23:37] All right.

[23:38] Look underneath that garbage can.

[23:39] There's nothing there.

[23:40] Go back over that way.

[23:41] Okay, look in here.

[23:42] Open that window.

[23:42] Throw a cigarette out of it.

[23:44] You're going to have to go buy a cigarette.

[23:45] Throw a cigarette out.

[23:46] Okay, turn around.

[23:47] I'm right here.

[23:49] But instead, they decide they're going to swap stuff.

[23:53] Nicolas Cage has evidence.

[23:55] An amicable breakup.

[23:56] Yeah, it's going to be an amicable breakup between mild-mannered Nicolas Cage and Guy Pearce, the head of the vigilante group.

[24:04] Oh, and it turns out also that, we skipped a part, that his friend, the principal of the school,

[24:09] Harry Perino, is also involved in this vigilante group.

[24:13] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[24:14] You would never have suspected it by the fact that he's a recognizable face who's in the movie for no other reason.

[24:20] Oh, what a surprise.

Elliott Kalan

[24:22] Oh, doctor.

[24:23] And then a guy shows up and is going to try to kill Nicolas Cage and goes, you dirty pedophile.

[24:29] And Nicolas Cage throws him off guard by telling him the hungry rabbit thing.

[24:33] And it turns out that's just how this group gets rid of the people who are causing it trouble.

[24:37] They label them pedophiles and have them killed.

[24:39] Yeah.

[24:39] So, anyway, Guy Pearce says, we won't make the swap here.

[24:42] We've both got evidence the other one needs.

[24:44] I have the evidence that proves your innocence.

[24:46] You have the evidence about my vigilante cult.

[24:49] You know what?

Stuart Wellington

[24:49] And you have my, wait, and they have his wife, too, right?

Elliott Kalan

[24:51] Oh, also, they kidnapped January Jones.

[24:53] She's so boring, I forgot.

[24:55] Then, literally, he goes, we won't do it here.

[24:57] We'll go to the abandoned mall next door.

[24:59] And they go to this abandoned mall, and it looks like a zombie attack went through it.

[25:03] There's, like, papers and shit all over the floors.

[25:05] There's police tape across everything.

[25:07] Everything.

[25:08] Otherwise, it looks like a normal mall.

[25:10] Yeah, it looks like they wandered into, like, they just finished shooting Dawn of the Dead

[25:13] or something like that there.

[25:14] Anywho, things go bad fast.

[25:18] Guy Pearce has a gun to January Jones' head, a gun to Nicolas Cage's head, with his henchmen,

[25:22] that is.

[25:22] And he says, I can't let you guys go.

[25:23] You know too much.

Dan McCoy

[25:24] It's an old-fashioned Mexican standoff.

[25:29] It's a migrant worker standoff.

Elliott Kalan

[25:31] I'm sorry.

[25:31] No, there's no Mexican standoff aspect to it.

[25:33] Yeah, I mean, it's just a bunch of bald guys, right?

[25:35] I didn't know.

[25:36] And Nicolas Cage's friend is there and goes, wait, no, we're not killing innocent people.

[25:40] Shoots Guy Pearce.

[25:42] One bald guy.

[25:43] Shoots the bad guy.

[25:44] Not Guy Pearce.

[25:44] The other bald guy.

[25:45] Shoots another bald guy.

[25:46] He gets shot.

[25:47] When I said bad guy, I meant to say bald guy.

[25:49] Okay.

[25:49] Guy Pearce and Nicolas Cage fight it out a little bit.

[25:51] It's a very anti-bald movie.

[25:53] And they literally pull the thing where Guy Pearce is about to kill Nicolas Cage.

[25:58] You hear a gunshot and then you see that Guy Pearce is the one who's gotten shot.

[26:02] Because January Jones, who earlier in the movie bought a gun.

Dan McCoy

[26:04] A thing that I remember seeing for the first time in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[26:10] What is that?

[26:11] Like, what?

[26:12] 40 years ago now?

[26:14] What, a gun?

[26:15] No, it's like the idea, like, the, like, the, like.

Elliott Kalan

[26:17] I'm old man Dan.

[26:18] Gather around.

[26:19] I'll tell you stories about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Dan McCoy

[26:22] No, like, the idea, like.

[26:23] It was 30 years ago.

[26:24] 30 years ago.

[26:25] But, like, you hear a gunshot and then, like, oh.

[26:29] And then the bad guy falls over.

[26:31] Yeah, because someone else shot him.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] And it's, and weird enough, it is Marion Ravenwood who has killed the bad guy in this movie, too, right?

[26:37] Yeah.

[26:38] What?

[26:38] No.

[26:39] It turns out January Jones shot him.

[26:41] You got him really excited for two seconds.

[26:42] They go to, uh.

Dan McCoy

[26:43] They would be excited, Marion Raven.

[26:45] Everyone showed up in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:46] So, Nicolas Cage has.

[26:47] She's like a.

Dan McCoy

[26:49] Like, that's what happened after, you know, like, her adventure with the Indiana Jones.

[26:52] She just turned into, like, a freelance adventurer.

Elliott Kalan

[26:55] Freelance saving people at the last minute by shooting the bad guy when you think the good guy's gonna get shot specialist.

[27:00] That's my job.

Stuart Wellington

[27:01] I think you're gonna accidentally shoot a lot of good guys in that profession.

[27:04] Yeah, that comes with the territory, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[27:06] Yeah, sure.

[27:06] You take the bad, you take the risk.

Dan McCoy

[27:07] She shoots it.

[27:08] She's like, uh, I'll take a grand.

[27:12] That's, uh, my fee.

Stuart Wellington

[27:13] What, like a hundred grand candy bar?

[27:15] Like a grand piano?

[27:16] The Grand Canyon?

Elliott Kalan

[27:18] That's not owned by anyone.

[27:19] It's owned by all Americans.

Stuart Wellington

[27:20] A DVD copy of the movie Grand Canyon?

[27:23] I have a candy bar, a piano, and a DVD, please.

Elliott Kalan

[27:27] And a canyon.

[27:29] So, everything's fine.

[27:31] This is crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[27:31] This is what I'm saying.

[27:32] Everything's fine.

[27:33] Everything's fine in the end.

[27:34] Nicolas Cage goes to one of the other reporters from the reporter's wake and hands him his notes and say, here are his notes.

[27:39] He's just scratching the surface, but someone should look into this.

[27:42] And the other reporter walks away and he goes, hey, the hungry rabbit jumps, right?

[27:47] And then gives him a sly look as he takes the escalator back up to his office.

[27:50] So, it's like he's trapped inside a fucking mirror the whole time.

[27:52] And it's like Nicolas Cage is mid, oh shit, when the credits roll.

[27:56] I mean, uh, seeking justice.

[27:59] Justice must be sought.

[28:02] Oh, wow.

[28:02] Justice cannot be bought.

[28:04] Seek it.

[28:05] Seek it out.

[28:07] Seek it.

[28:07] Shout.

[28:08] Seek it justice.

[28:09] Seek it over there.

[28:11] Justice was a young girl.

[28:13] Didn't know the world was evil.

[28:16] Justice was a young girl.

[28:19] A girl in trouble and in something.

[28:22] Justice got a girl.

[28:24] But wait.

[28:25] Justice got a girl.

Stuart Wellington

[28:28] We didn't start the justice.

[28:31] I just said we didn't seek the justice.

[28:32] So, uh, yeah, so anti-bald, pro-candy.

[28:37] And also pro-phone.

[28:38] Yeah, pro or con cell phone.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] In the movie, everything bad happens when you don't have access to your phone.

[28:44] And only pictures on your phone can be used to communicate at certain times.

[28:47] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:48] There's a lot of people.

[28:49] Or serve as evidence of either maldoing or the kidnapping of a wife.

[28:54] Or non-maldoing.

Dan McCoy

[28:55] The thing that destroys you is the thing that saves you in the end.

[28:58] The phone.

Elliott Kalan

[28:59] I think that's what Alexander Graham Bell said when he invented it, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:02] I mean, it wasn't all bad.

[29:04] We got to see some monster trucks.

[29:06] We did briefly see some monster trucks.

[29:10] I liked the shots of Nolens.

[29:12] Oh, yeah.

[29:13] It took me back to the time we watched 12 Rounds starring John Cena.

[29:17] It was like a 12 Rounds union.

Dan McCoy

[29:19] I enjoyed the brief chase scene on the highway.

[29:25] You know, Guy Pearce was in the movie.

[29:27] Guy Pearce was in it, and I like him.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] Nicolas Cage literally sleptwalked through the movie.

[29:33] I think he was sleeping with his eyes open through most of the movie.

[29:35] I like the...

[29:35] He had a nice goatee, though.

[29:37] It was a terrible goatee.

Stuart Wellington

[29:38] I like the one scene where he...

[29:39] It looked like mold on his face.

[29:41] The scene where he goes to see his wife in the hospital, and he's obviously moved, and he

[29:49] asks the nurses and everybody to leave.

[29:52] And that's the one moment where he says, y'all?

[29:55] Like, he is the actor's like, this is the time.

[29:57] I really need to make sure everybody understands that I'm from New Orleans.

[30:01] It's by saying, y'all.

Elliott Kalan

[30:04] Listen, wasn't he in New Orleans in that movie?

[30:05] Was it Zandalay?

[30:08] Zandalay.

[30:08] Bad Lieutenant.

[30:09] Zandalay.

[30:10] And, of course...

[30:11] With Judge Reinhold.

[30:13] Yeah, but in Zandalay, he's got this crazy over-the-top accent.

[30:16] But you're right.

[30:17] Nicolas Cage has a full filmography of New Orleans movies now.

[30:20] Although, whereas Bad Lieutenant, Port of Call, New Orleans is a genuinely great, crazy movie.

[30:26] This is a really generic, boring...

[30:30] It's a movie that's so generic that at times it feels like you're watching a template that's

[30:35] handed to people for making movies where it's like, fill in the details yourself.

[30:40] Have a good time.

[30:41] You know.

[30:41] But they just didn't do that.

[30:42] It's just generic.

Dan McCoy

[30:43] I think my favorite stuff in this movie...

[30:45] Like, we talked about this while we were watching it.

[30:47] There's a lot of scenes in this movie that it just feels like the director or the writer

[30:52] or someone is like, this is the sort of scene that's in a thriller.

[30:56] So we need to put it in this movie whether or not it makes sense.

[31:00] And that is exemplified, I think, at its best with a scene where Nicolas Cage, to make the

[31:07] decision to kill this guy, has to buy two of these forever bars.

Elliott Kalan

[31:12] And it's just like...

[31:12] You're right, because a lot of thriller movies have scenes where people buy candy from vending

[31:15] machines.

[31:16] I agree.

Dan McCoy

[31:17] But they milk the idea of him...

[31:19] They milk chocolate the idea of him.

[31:21] Of him buying these two bars from this vending machine so much.

[31:25] And it's like, Guy Pearce had talked to him just moments before.

[31:29] Like, Nicolas Cage could have said, like, yeah, you know what?

[31:33] Kill that motherfucker.

[31:34] But, like, it's like, no.

[31:36] Like, okay, if you're interested in killing this guy, go and buy two of this type of candy

[31:42] bars.

[31:43] And so he goes and he, like, puts in the first dollar.

[31:46] He buys the candy bar.

[31:47] He looks around.

[31:48] He sees, like, the guy looking at him.

[31:50] He sees the security guard looking at him.

[31:52] He gets all creeped out.

[31:54] And then he's, like, he pushes in the second dollar.

[31:57] He puts in, like, the first two numbers that would go.

[32:00] Like, he's, like, one, one.

[32:02] And then pauses before he enters the sixth that buys the forever.

[32:05] Because that's when he dams himself.

[32:06] Slow motion with, like, exploding sounds.

[32:08] And so he pushes it the last time.

[32:09] Why the fuck did Guy Pearce tell him that he had to go buy two of these candy bars?

[32:14] Because that's the signal.

[32:15] We've talked about that.

[32:16] Because that's the signal.

Elliott Kalan

[32:17] And he's also a candy bar salesman.

Dan McCoy

[32:20] But that's, like, I think that exemplifies the type of movie this is.

[32:23] We're just, like...

Stuart Wellington

[32:24] Two candy bars twice the commission.

[32:26] And candy bars.

[32:28] You know where else you might see a lot of bars?

[32:30] In a prison.

[32:31] Oh.

[32:31] Think about that one.

[32:31] That deserves a high five.

[32:32] Boom.

[32:33] Boom.

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:34] You're right, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[32:36] I'm wrong.

[32:37] No, but you're right.

[32:37] There's a lot of scenes where characters do what a character in a movie thriller might do.

[32:43] But it doesn't even make sense necessarily for that to do that in this movie.

[32:47] What happened?

[32:47] Well, it's like Nicolas Cage, to get information about the reporter, goes to the reporter's wake.

[32:54] And I guess he picks up the reporter's ID badge, which he never really uses.

[32:59] Nope.

[32:59] Like, he goes to the reporter's desk, and I guess maybe he needs the ID badge to get open the desk.

[33:05] But when he's talking to the other reporters to get information from them, he doesn't really get any information he doesn't already have.

[33:11] Like, there's no point to that scene except to show that there are other reporters in New Orleans, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[33:17] Or you point out the scene where he's, like, ransacking the reporter's desk, and one of the reporter's coworkers interacts with him.

[33:24] And then afterwards, that coworker's suspicious because fucking Nicolas Cage looks like a crazy person.

[33:29] And she goes to, like, her coworkers.

[33:31] She goes to the security guard.

[33:32] And she's like, hey, there's somebody going through dead guy's desk.

[33:35] And that's the last we hear of it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] And then they look at the security camera, and she goes, he was there a minute ago.

[33:39] Oh, man, he died 10 years ago.

[33:42] Cut to Nicolas Cage just walking down the street.

[33:45] The story of the homeless ghost.

[33:46] Like, why bother to have someone see him and almost catch him if he's going to get away that easily?

[33:53] Like, it's so lazy.

[33:54] It's a lazy movie.

Stuart Wellington

[33:55] Maybe it's the show that he's just like that.

[33:57] He's so talented at deception.

[33:59] But he's an English teacher.

[34:01] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[34:01] It's also one of those movies where a character is supposed to be an everyman who's taken out of his element, but he is instantly in his element.

[34:07] Like, I was waiting for the moment which revealed Nicolas Cage is a sleeper agent.

[34:11] I don't know if he's in wash to think he's an English teacher, but actually he's like a super assassin or something.

[34:15] Well, we've already talked about, like...

[34:16] The long kiss goodnight.

Stuart Wellington

[34:17] I mean...

[34:18] The long cage goodnight.

[34:19] The long kiss good cage.

Dan McCoy

[34:21] With the candy bar.

[34:22] Marry cage, miss.

[34:23] With the candy bar thing, we've already talked about how, like...

[34:25] Let it go.

[34:27] No, but we've already talked about how...

[34:28] Sometimes you've got to steal a contractor's candy.

[34:31] They go through all this, like, rigmarole to, like, connect up with Cage.

[34:35] And we talked about the...

Stuart Wellington

[34:36] It adds a little bit of sweetness to what would otherwise be a sour situation.

[34:40] High five.

Dan McCoy

[34:41] We also talked about the gum thing where it's just like, okay, go outside, take this phone call, now go into the other room, buy some gum, and then come back out.

[34:51] Like, why add that buying some gum step in the middle of everything?

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] Yeah, it's totally unnecessary.

Dan McCoy

[34:56] Like, the whole...

[34:58] It's a shell game, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[34:59] There's a lot of padding in this movie.

[35:00] It's a shell game.

Dan McCoy

[35:02] The whole premise of this movie seems weirdly suspect.

[35:06] Like, you understand the idea of, like, a stranger on a train situation where it's like, all right, Chris Cross...

[35:12] Strangers on a crane?

Elliott Kalan

[35:15] And is that, like, two guys who don't usually work...

[35:17] Two guys who work on a crane.

[35:18] They don't usually work with each other.

[35:20] It's a new guy at a construction site?

[35:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:24] No, but the strangers on a train situation where it's like...

[35:27] Strangers on a Fraser crane.

[35:29] I'll kill your person.

[35:32] You'll kill my person, Chris Cross.

[35:34] There's no motive.

[35:35] Like, the thing is, with, like, this whole secret society thing, like, there's no motive for anyone.

[35:40] If they form a secret society, they can just kill with impunity because they have no connection to these murders anyway.

[35:47] They don't need to, like, recruit other people.

[35:50] Here's the other thing.

[35:51] Here's the other thing.

[35:51] It's a secret society.

Elliott Kalan

[35:52] It's a secret society made up of bald henchmen who are thugs who kill people.

[35:55] Yeah.

[35:56] And it's something that on Matt Bird's excellent website, Cock-Eyed Caravan, he talks about how...

[36:01] Yeah, look it up.

Dan McCoy

[36:02] Cock-Eyed Caravan.blogsquat.com.

Elliott Kalan

[36:04] He has that, how there are a lot of movies where an ordinary guy is blackmailed into committing a crime, but he's inept at it and has no experience at it, and the bad guy who blackmails him could just do it himself much easier.

[36:14] He's like a super criminal.

[36:15] Yeah.

[36:16] And so in this one, it's like Guy Pearce has a bunch of thugs with him.

[36:19] There doesn't seem to be any ulterior motive other than, like, this crazy idea of justice.

[36:23] Why doesn't he and his thugs just do it?

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:26] It's just making it harder for themselves if they're getting random people to do the murders because then they've got these wild cards running around.

Dan McCoy

[36:31] Yeah, and then they've got to kill them off.

[36:34] They've got to frame them for a murder and kill them off.

[36:36] It's like a chain letter.

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] It never ends.

[36:38] It's like a kid's...

[36:39] It's a bad Ponzi scheme.

[36:40] It's a bad vigilante pyramid scheme.

Stuart Wellington

[36:42] And also, like, what's the need for deception?

[36:46] Because any time there's any kind of actual, like, evidence that there's wrongdoing, they're so well-connected that, like, they can just brush it all under the fucking rug.

[36:54] That's true.

[36:55] They have connections in the police, connections in the press.

[36:56] Who cares if he just wanders over to the car and talks to Guy Pearce?

[37:00] Like, why does he have to buy the fucking, like, pretend like he's in the store for a reason?

[37:04] Because nobody gives a shit.

[37:05] Because if they tell the police, the police is like, oh, yeah, sure, a hungry rabbit jumps, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] It's true.

[37:10] I was kind of waiting for the moment where Nicolas Cage brings this information to the president.

[37:14] And the president says the hungry rabbit jumps to Congress.

[37:17] And everyone in Congress is like, yeah, that's right.

[37:20] They put their finger on their nose.

[37:21] And then everyone in America watching this on television goes, yep, hungry rabbit jumps, all right.

[37:26] Like, everyone is in on it except for Nick Cage.

[37:28] They go to space to it and they go, bleep, glorp, glop.

[37:31] Jumps.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:32] The hungry rabbit jumps, bleep, glorp.

[37:34] Yeah, that's how you say it, Nailing.

[37:35] You say, bleep, glorp, glop.

Dan McCoy

[37:38] So I think that we've come to the point where we make our final judgments on this film, whether

[37:43] it's a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[37:46] What do you say, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[37:47] I will say it's a bad, bad movie.

[37:49] Because it just never reaches the craziness necessary for a good, bad movie.

[37:54] Even though it does have Guy Pearce telling Nicolas Cage there's a mailbox at the zoo.

[37:58] As if that's like a scary thing.

[38:01] But it's, I would say, I would say bad, bad.

[38:04] And not as bad as we've seen, certainly.

[38:07] But not, doesn't rise to good, bad.

[38:08] And I didn't kind of like it.

Stuart Wellington

[38:09] What do you say, Stu Rat?

[38:11] Yeah, I'll agree with you.

[38:12] I mean, there's moments that are fun to talk about.

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] And, you know, I had a great time watching it with my two pals over here.

[38:18] You know what?

[38:18] If I'm watching it with Dan and Stuart.

[38:19] At least two pals.

Stuart Wellington

[38:22] You, Lulu, and, oh, that's three pals.

[38:24] And me, right?

[38:25] And me?

[38:25] Yeah, and Elliot, I guess.

[38:26] That's three pals.

[38:27] The, I mean, the big thing is, anytime you have Nicolas Cage in a movie, you're really

[38:31] hoping you get a crazy cage.

[38:33] Oh, yeah.

[38:33] Not like this, like kind of the sad, drive-angry 3D Nicolas Cage.

[38:38] Or like the Bangkok dangerous Nicolas Cage.

[38:40] Yeah, so boring.

[38:41] Where he's just kind of a mannequin, you know?

[38:43] Like, I want a crazy cage.

[38:45] I want a spirit of vengeance.

Elliott Kalan

[38:47] Well, that's why if you are thinking about watching Seeking Justice, don't.

[38:52] Go see Bad Lieutenant, Port of Call, New Orleans.

[38:55] Which is total crazy cage.

[38:57] Yeah, go see it at your local multi-place.

Dan McCoy

[38:58] Total craziness made by a good director.

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] Yeah, that's true.

[39:02] Made by a good director who is also crazy.

[39:04] Donald Rogerson?

Dan McCoy

[39:06] Well, here's the, like, Roger Donaldson.

[39:08] I will give it a marginal.

[39:12] Mm, right at R.

[39:14] I'll give it a, I'll give this one a marginal good bad.

[39:18] Just because, like, I don't know, there's some part of me that, like, sees this movie and

[39:23] it triggers a nostalgic memory of better stupid thrillers from the late 80s, early 90s.

[39:30] It does feel like a throwback movie.

[39:32] And I kind of enjoy that.

[39:34] That's what I would say about this.

Elliott Kalan

[39:35] If you're tired of watching, like, I don't know, like, what kind of movie would you compare

[39:40] this to?

[39:41] Like, Nick of Time or something like that?

Stuart Wellington

[39:44] Sure.

[39:45] Showgirls.

Elliott Kalan

[39:46] No, not.

[39:47] Let's see.

[39:48] It's not at all, like, Showgirls.

[39:49] No, like, crap.

[39:50] Or, like, I think you mentioned The Net earlier, Stuart.

[39:53] FX2.

[39:53] Dead Lair of Illusion.

[39:54] If you're tired of watching The Net or, like, Murder at 1600, then go ahead and watch

[40:00] Yeah.

[40:01] Fastener 57.

[40:03] Yeah, Fastener 57.

[40:05] Absolute Power.

[40:07] Oh, yeah.

[40:09] Rising Sun.

Dan McCoy

[40:11] We're moving on to the next segment.

[40:13] Sexual thrillers.

[40:14] Yeah, Jurassic Park.

[40:15] Of this bad movie podcast.

[40:18] Disclosure.

[40:19] The Flophouse Movie Mailbag, everyone.

[40:21] Oh, okay, that's cool.

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] What do we do here?

[40:23] And this one is...

[40:24] I believe we read some letters.

[40:26] Give some answers.

[40:28] Have some feelings.

[40:30] Let's be friends.

[40:31] Flophouse Mailbag time.

[40:34] It's time for pals to read letters from pals who send letters to pals at the Flophouse.

[40:41] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[40:43] This letter is titled...

[40:45] I was a little choked up.

[40:46] Attention.

[40:47] Cool Uncle Stu.

Elliott Kalan

[40:51] Okay.

[40:52] Wow, you're already old enough to be an uncle.

[40:55] News to me.

[40:55] He used to be cool dropout Stu who still hangs out at the high school.

Dan McCoy

[40:59] Care of the bastard son of Professor Frank and the Crypt Keeper.

[41:04] Or maybe Dan McCoy.

[41:05] What a real tongue twister, huh?

[41:06] Yeah.

[41:07] Sorry.

[41:08] Long time first time dudes.

[41:10] He's a long time first time dude.

Stuart Wellington

[41:12] Speaking my language.

Dan McCoy

[41:14] I was having some minor problems streaming the ass cancer episode and found myself with a brief...

[41:19] It was called Little Bit of Heaven.

Elliott Kalan

[41:20] Found myself with a brief...

[41:21] I would prefer this...

[41:22] Probably your problem.

[41:22] Like I'd prefer this not be referred to as the January Jones rape episode.

[41:27] Let's call the movies by their names.

[41:29] Not by the most offensive thing about them.

Dan McCoy

[41:31] Found myself with a brief interruption on the show while you're all debating the merits of and gender bias relating to front and rear orifices.

[41:42] During the pause, I started thinking to myself, the plural of orifices is probably going to be cleverly misstated in a moment.

[41:49] Maybe followed by a laugh-em-up about it being a character from Olympus After Dark or something.

[41:55] Not to be disappointed, Dan almost immediately stuttered the non-word orifices.

[42:00] And I was delighted to see that, after a brief reference to Ancient Greece by Elliot, of course,

[42:07] the riffing veered unexpectedly toward the plot of The Matrix.

[42:11] Hopefully that wasn't buried too deeply in pop culture references for the simple folk at the AV Club.

[42:17] Whoa, whoa.

[42:18] Hold for Stuart to say, burn, or something similar but totally awesome.

[42:25] Wait, no.

[42:26] Fuck, shit.

Stuart Wellington

[42:27] Give me a second.

[42:28] Stuart, you're unprepared.

[42:29] Stick a fork in them, they're done.

Elliott Kalan

[42:31] The AV Club has been very good to us.

[42:33] Yeah, they've been very nice to us.

[42:34] I don't know why the unnecessary attack on the AV Club.

[42:36] They've been very nice to us.

[42:38] Seriously.

[42:39] Or as they're known, the Avid Vegetarian Club.

[42:42] Right?

Dan McCoy

[42:42] That's what it's about?

[42:43] Yeah.

[42:44] Seriously, just wanted to say you guys are hilarious.

[42:46] I'm indebted to you for several excellent movie recommendations.

[42:50] I'm going to come collect that debt.

[42:52] Work study distraction.

[42:54] Narrowly edging out the Duck Universe page on Wikipedia.

[42:58] Edward, last name withheld.

[42:59] P.S.

[43:00] Comic book author's drool.

[43:02] Obnoxious sports trivial ombudsman rule.

[43:06] Free David Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] No.

[43:08] He will remain in jail.

[43:10] He'll remain in dungeon with an iron mask over his face that keeps him from seeing football.

[43:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] But, uh...

[43:17] You had some trouble reading that one, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] Are you okay?

[43:19] What's going on, buddy?

Dan McCoy

[43:20] Look, it's, uh...

[43:21] Were you bitten by a snake or something?

Elliott Kalan

[43:23] Right on the tongue.

[43:25] Why were you French kissing a snake, Dan?

[43:27] Their tongues are not satisfying.

[43:29] They're very thin and whip-like.

[43:30] And their hearts are cold.

Dan McCoy

[43:31] Yeah.

[43:31] I think it's well documented that I have trouble reading letters off of my iPad.

Elliott Kalan

[43:39] Were you trying to steal a vole from the mouth of a snake?

Stuart Wellington

[43:42] So you just grabbed at it with your mouth and you got bit?

[43:45] I think that's the only times voles are interacted with in the world is when snakes kill them.

[43:49] Yeah.

[43:50] Otherwise, they're loners.

[43:51] So this is...

[43:53] This is titled...

[43:55] Well, thanks for the letter.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] What was his name last name?

[43:57] I don't know, man.

[43:57] Thanks for the letter, last guy who wrote in.

[43:59] We're glad you enjoyed the show and that it keeps you away from the Duck Universe page.

[44:04] This is titled Total Recall Through the Flophouse Synopsis.

Dan McCoy

[44:08] Oh, dear friend.

[44:08] Dear Floppers, I've only been listening to the podcast for about a year.

[44:13] I'm not sure why it took me so long to become a regular.

[44:16] I've grown to love...

[44:16] Hey, man.

Elliott Kalan

[44:17] I still haven't read Proust and that's been around for like 100 years or something.

[44:20] Proust.

[44:21] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[44:22] I've grown to love and nay rely on Elliot's synopsis of each film.

[44:25] You see, as a bad movie lover myself, I've seen quite a few of these entries.

[44:31] The problem is I usually watch them with a head full of bullet bourbon to ease the pain.

[44:35] And I don't remember the endings due to mild-druckiness.

[44:38] Or falling asleep after a long day.

[44:41] Thanks for filling me on the endings to In Time, Conan the Barbarian, Season of the Witch, and Red Riding Hood.

[44:48] I look forward to being reminded of the endings of Solomon Cain, The Raven, and maybe even John Carpenter's The Ward, which I'm watching right now.

[44:56] Ma'am, I wish I could remember the ending of Space Jail, which I know Stuart recommended a few weeks back.

[45:02] Also, the realization that Stuart...

[45:04] It's a great ending, too.

[45:05] It's amazing.

[45:06] Also, the realization of the Stuart...

[45:08] It's going to blow your brain out.

[45:08] ...set to throw your mouth.

[45:10] Jekyll Hyde Theory has me revisiting college conversations with Stuart.

[45:15] A twist.

[45:16] Whoa!

[45:17] Where we discussed how KMFDM pretty much sucked, but were kind of awesome.

[45:22] Only this time, I'm talking to the more famous one of the two.

[45:25] Keep it up, gents.

[45:26] Jim Strayer.

[45:28] Last name, not with help.

[45:29] Whoa!

Stuart Wellington

[45:30] And what's weird is I talked to him in person the other day.

[45:33] And he didn't mention they wrote the Flophouse?

[45:35] No, he didn't.

Elliott Kalan

[45:35] What was KMFDM?

[45:36] It's like a rock band.

[45:38] I don't know them.

Stuart Wellington

[45:39] They do rock and roll music.

Elliott Kalan

[45:41] They do the industrials.

Stuart Wellington

[45:43] Like the Nine Inch Nails.

[45:45] Oh!

[45:46] Like those nails you buy at hardware stores.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] So that was a Flophouse fan letter from a real Flophouse friend.

[45:53] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:54] I don't know them.

[45:54] But you guys do.

[45:55] Sometimes Flophouse fans become friends.

[45:58] And vice versa.

[45:59] Oh, that rarely happens.

[46:00] This is titled...

[46:04] That was a good twist, by the way.

[46:05] Real M. Night Shyamalan.

[46:06] Yeah, real O. Henry stuff.

[46:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] Turned out he was dead the whole time or something.

Dan McCoy

[46:11] This is titled, Will Our Prayers Be Finally Answered?

[46:14] Dear Flop Sensations,

[46:16] Given the fact that Disney now owns the rights to most Marvel properties...

[46:20] Yeah, tell me about it.

[46:21] And the fact that the very ambitious crossover superhero movie, The Avengers,

[46:26] was a huge box office hit.

Elliott Kalan

[46:28] Basically, all Disney needs to buy now is Nintendo and Ninja Turtles,

[46:31] and they'll have my whole childhood.

[46:33] Now they have Star Wars also.

Dan McCoy

[46:34] Will we finally get the DuckTales slash Howard the Duck mashup movie we've craved for so long?

[46:42] Howard the DuckTales?

[46:43] Maybe.

[46:43] If so, what storyline would Emmy Award winning Dan McCoy and Elliot Kalin,

[46:49] and golden demon winning Stuart Wellington?

[46:53] I know.

Dan McCoy

[46:53] I know.

Elliott Kalan

[46:53] That's unofficial.

Dan McCoy

[46:55] Craft for this dream project.

[46:57] Thanks for all the laughs.

[46:58] Catch you on the flop side.

[47:00] Stefan Lasserman withheld.

[47:02] P.S.

[47:03] Is The Dark Knight Rises Bane the most famous Jewish Scotsman since Scrooge McDuck?

[47:09] Wait.

[47:09] Whoa.

[47:09] Just because he's stingy, he's Jewish?

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] That is offensive.

[47:14] Incredibly offensive.

[47:16] There is a Jewish community in Scotland, though.

[47:18] Still, totally offensive.

[47:21] Yeah.

[47:21] It's funny you mention that because we were doing...

[47:22] I thought McDuck was a Jewish name.

[47:24] No.

[47:25] No.

[47:26] Duckowitz is a Jewish name.

[47:29] We were doing a lot of Bane voice earlier.

[47:32] So Howard the Duck Tales probably involves duck boobs or something.

[47:37] There's going to be a scene where Howard the Duck gives Huey, Dewey, and Louie their first taste of booze.

[47:41] Because Uncle Donald tells Howard to watch them or something, while Uncle Donald goes down through a cave in a mummy's tomb or something.

[47:49] What else would happen?

[47:50] Obviously Howard's going to have to end up in Duckburg, but that could just be another town on the planet he lives on.

[47:54] It's easy.

[47:55] Yeah.

[47:55] Come on.

[47:57] The real question is, how does Beverly, Howard the Duck's girlfriend, get there?

Stuart Wellington

[48:01] Yep.

[48:01] Magic at a spell, fucking cast a riddle magic, fucking cube or something.

[48:06] And I assume she sleeps with Scrooge at some point.

[48:08] Of course she does.

[48:09] To get into his will.

[48:10] Yeah, and to get the number one dime.

Dan McCoy

[48:12] You don't think of that flutthard glomgold is like...

[48:15] Of course he's going to be in it.

[48:16] Hey, Beverly.

[48:17] I'm, you know, I'm just as good as Howard.

Elliott Kalan

[48:19] And you know that Howard's going to accidentally get into the gizmoduck armor.

[48:23] It's going to be amazing.

[48:24] Now how do we get Darkwing into this?

Stuart Wellington

[48:27] Easily.

[48:27] You write him into the script.

[48:30] Well, that does seem pretty good.

[48:31] That does seem pretty easy now that I think about it.

Elliott Kalan

[48:33] Don't know why I didn't think of that.

[48:34] It's a secret.

Dan McCoy

[48:37] Oh, I broke down.

Elliott Kalan

[48:39] I broke down.

[48:40] I'm really more interested in trying to get this DuckTales-DuckDynasty crossover off the ground.

Stuart Wellington

[48:46] DuckTales-Dynasty.

[48:48] Oh, that's sad.

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] Well, not DuckTales and Dynasty.

[48:51] That would be...

[48:51] That's different.

Stuart Wellington

[48:52] Okay.

[48:53] So who shot J.R. Duck?

[48:55] That's Dallas.

[48:56] I didn't watch that shit.

[48:58] So what's next?

Dan McCoy

[49:00] This is from Pat, last name withheld.

[49:05] He says...

[49:07] His email is titled,

[49:08] Full of Shame and Loathing.

[49:10] What about you, Dan?

[49:11] It says,

[49:12] I have two unfortunate stories that seem appropriate to relate to those unfortunate souls.

[49:16] Yeah, because this is what?

[49:17] The story house?

[49:18] Who have actually paid for and own the movies that have been discussed on this podcast.

[49:22] Oh, okay.

[49:23] I'd like to hear that.

[49:23] The first story begins...

[49:24] Like they paid for the making of them?

[49:26] Okay, continue.

[49:27] Yeah, yeah, the producers.

[49:28] The first story begins on a normal night, much like tonight.

[49:31] Well, you don't know.

[49:32] I mean, this night might be crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[49:33] This night's fucking weird.

[49:34] This night's different from all other nights.

[49:36] Normally, we sit up or we recline.

[49:38] Tonight, we only recline.

[49:39] Normally, we leavened or unleavened bread.

[49:42] Tonight, only unleavened bread.

[49:44] Usually, on a regular night, we can dip any number of times.

[49:47] But tonight, we dip a certain number of times.

[49:49] And I don't remember the other one.

Dan McCoy

[49:51] Thank you, our Jewish friend.

[49:53] Anyway, my father and I...

[49:54] Scottish Jewish friends.

[49:56] My father and I were quite bored, so we decided it would be a good idea to make a trip to the store to pick up a movie.

[50:04] We narrowed down our choice to the comedy genre, and we set out to find a suitable movie.

[50:10] As we looked through the shelves, we could not find any movie that was to our liking.

[50:16] Then, like a voice from the heavens, a bolt of lightning from the sky, our eyes landed upon it.

[50:22] The beloved classic from the noted auteurs, Friedberg and Setzer, Meet the Spartans.

[50:28] We picked up our fine, paid, and left to go laugh so hard that it would retroactively award Meet the Spartans the Oscar for Best Movie Ever.

Elliott Kalan

[50:38] For most laughing.

[50:41] Suffice it to say...

[50:41] Little did they know that the movie was made with a strange non-Euclidean geometry that would drive them insane.

Dan McCoy

[50:47] When the movie ended, we looked at each other and tried to convince ourselves that we would have been better off taking our money and giving it to someone to stab us in the eyes many, many times.

[50:58] I could have told you that.

[50:59] My second story is unfortunately just as bad.

[51:03] As I have gotten older...

[51:04] We forgot we had seen Meet the Spartans, and we rented it again.

[51:09] As I have gotten older, my family has realized the best Christmas gifts to purchase for me are DVDs.

[51:15] So one Christmas, my grandmother hands me a present that is obviously a DVD of some sort.

[51:21] As I have prepared to open it...

[51:22] Overjoyed, you tore the package open.

Elliott Kalan

[51:24] Wondering what treasures might be inside, perhaps a Blu-ray of my favorite film.

[51:29] Upon what did my wandering eyes alight?

[51:31] Which entry from the Criterion's collection would be inside?

[51:35] You're very close.

[51:36] Beneath the thin wrappage.

Dan McCoy

[51:38] My mind began to go through the many possibilities that waited underneath the wrapping paper.

[51:44] To my horror, as I ripped open the final piece of wrapping paper, my eyes landed on the one movie I was not expecting.

[51:51] Castle Freak.

[51:52] The Love Guru.

[51:53] Oh.

[51:54] I then proceeded to explain to my grandfather...

[51:56] Grandmother, rather, that this DVD should be burned immediately like one of the creatures from the thing.

[52:02] It's still your grandmother.

[52:03] Just say thank you.

[52:04] Yeah, come on.

[52:04] Come on.

[52:05] Then burn it later.

[52:06] Then comes a twist in the story that not even M. Night Shyamalan could have seen coming.

Stuart Wellington

[52:10] The next Christmas comes around...

[52:12] Grandma never bought you that gift.

Dan McCoy

[52:13] And once again, my grandma has purchased me what appears to be a DVD.

[52:17] I look at it and recount it last year's nightmare as I began to open the gift.

[52:23] What came next was one of the biggest shops of my entire life.

[52:26] The gift was another copy of the Love Guru.

[52:27] Damn.

[52:28] Except a deluxe version with special features.

[52:31] Because she knew you liked it so much.

[52:33] I then had a long discussion with my grandmother, explaining to her that she should probably stop buying me presents for the feature.

[52:41] Come on.

[52:41] Okay, that is ungrateful.

Elliott Kalan

[52:43] What a burn.

[52:44] Ungrateful.

[52:45] Sure, we can't all get great DVDs as presents, like how for my birthday Stuart gave me a copy of Young Einstein.

[52:50] But still.

Dan McCoy

[52:51] This reminds me, like, I genuinely...

Stuart Wellington

[52:54] It was either that or Blue Valentine, dude.

[52:55] Those were all the movies that the fucking gas station had.

Dan McCoy

[52:58] What a weird selection.

[53:01] I genuinely, like...

[53:03] I...

[53:05] What?

[53:06] I genuinely...

[53:08] Like, this is one of the, like, saddest things in my mind.

[53:10] Go on.

[53:11] Seriously?

[53:11] Getting a bad DVD as a gift?

[53:13] No, no, no.

[53:13] One of the saddest things in your mind?

Elliott Kalan

[53:14] You have lived a cushy life, my friend.

[53:16] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[53:17] Like, I remember reading Amazon reviews of something where...

[53:22] I was reading an Amazon review of, like, a microphone that you plug in to use for a karaoke...

[53:31] Okay.

[53:32] Oof.

[53:32] Wow.

[53:32] Like, video game.

[53:32] Your story checks out.

[53:34] Wow.

[53:34] Yeah.

[53:35] Wait, hold on.

[53:37] And there's a review of this.

[53:38] I was probably busy having sex or something.

[53:40] Where the...

[53:41] There's an Amazon review of this.

[53:44] Where this woman, this grandmother, talks about how, like, she meant to buy her grandson

[53:53] a...

[53:54] One of those, like, speakers that you can talk into while you're playing, like, Call of Duty

[54:00] or some bullshit.

[54:01] Yeah, so you can pwn people.

[54:02] Yeah, exactly.

[54:04] And the review of this is so sad, like, where she talks about how her grandson opened this

[54:10] and was disappointed because it wasn't the right thing.

[54:13] And it's like, oh, grandma didn't understand.

[54:17] And I felt, like, my heart broke...

[54:19] That's awful, yeah.

[54:20] ...reading this Amazon review.

[54:22] Like, it's just like, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[54:24] It's no good getting old, you know.

Dan McCoy

[54:25] She's trying her hardest.

[54:27] Yeah.

[54:27] This woman is trying her hardest.

Elliott Kalan

[54:29] She's trying to bring you joy.

[54:30] Sure, she failed, but she's old.

[54:33] She doesn't know what she's doing.

[54:34] She doesn't know what she's...

Dan McCoy

[54:34] Like, for her, all video game speakers are the same fucking thing, you know?

[54:40] Who gives a shit?

[54:41] And the words grandma didn't understand are, like, the most sad words you could read on

[54:48] the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] Well, maybe.

[54:51] They're among the saddest.

Dan McCoy

[54:52] It's sad enough that it has stuck with me, even though I was neither the person who received

[54:58] this gift...

[54:59] Nor a grandma.

[55:00] ...hand mother in question.

[55:01] So did you buy that microphone?

[55:03] I did buy that because I wanted a microphone for a karaoke game.

[55:07] So I understood.

[55:08] It's so funny.

[55:09] I knew what I was buying.

Stuart Wellington

[55:10] I hope her review brought down the average rating of that microphone because she didn't

[55:16] understand.

Elliott Kalan

[55:17] Well, look.

[55:18] I'm just going to say this.

[55:19] Relatives are going to give you bad gifts.

[55:21] It just happens.

[55:22] You say thank you, you return it, and you get something else.

[55:25] Yeah, for credit.

Dan McCoy

[55:26] Yeah, this is our fucking public service announcement to our listeners.

[55:30] Suck it up, assholes.

[55:32] Say thank you to your elderly relatives.

Elliott Kalan

[55:34] There was a time recently when...

[55:36] I won't get into the details of it.

Dan McCoy

[55:37] They won't be around that much longer.

Elliott Kalan

[55:39] Just make them happy.

[55:40] I'll just change the details a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[55:42] Yeah, make them think like they know everything there is about microphones for video games.

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] I'm not much of an actor.

[55:46] Sure, I've been on TV a couple times.

[55:48] But I received a gift...

[55:50] You may know him as Doodle Von Tainstein.

[55:53] I received a gift not too long ago, a couple years ago, from a close relative that was

[55:59] the least thoughtful gift I think I've ever received from anyone, maybe.

[56:04] And this is from someone, a very close relative, someone who should know better.

[56:08] And I gave the best damn acting job of my life in pretending that I was really happy to receive

[56:14] this terrible gift and not like insulted to the core.

[56:18] So if I can do it, someone who's not a very good actor, then anybody can do it.

Dan McCoy

[56:22] So what we're saying is all of our listeners are jerks.

Elliott Kalan

[56:25] Not all of them, just most of them.

[56:27] And us too.

Dan McCoy

[56:28] Yeah.

[56:28] Suck it up, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[56:29] Come on.

[56:30] Seriously, though.

[56:31] Fuck that grandma, am I right?

[56:31] Grandma doesn't get it, man.

[56:32] Come on.

[56:33] It's cool.

[56:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:34] So we're in and on a real bummer.

[56:37] Thanks for writing in.

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] Yeah, Dan, why did you give us that letter last?

Dan McCoy

[56:41] Well, there were more, but we're running long, so I catch one.

[56:45] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[56:47] But anyway, thanks for writing in.

[56:48] We appreciate it.

[56:49] Thanks for listening.

[56:50] Stay golden.

[56:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:52] Even though you're an asshole, you're not an asshole in one thing.

[56:55] Your decision to listen to the flop.

Elliott Kalan

[56:57] I'm sure he's not an asshole in many things.

Dan McCoy

[56:59] Yeah, I mean.

[57:00] It's not one thing.

Elliott Kalan

[57:01] If anything, he's too honest.

[57:02] I mean, maybe two things.

[57:03] If anything, his fatal flaw is being too honest.

[57:05] And really, if you're going to have a flaw, that's one of the best ones.

Dan McCoy

[57:07] He's opening up in front of Flop House Nation.

Stuart Wellington

[57:09] I'm just really impressed by Grandma's double burn there.

Elliott Kalan

[57:12] Not just one copy.

Stuart Wellington

[57:13] I like to believe that the second one was a deliberate slam.

Elliott Kalan

[57:16] The second DVD was like, oh, he was ungrateful the first time.

[57:20] He's getting this again.

Dan McCoy

[57:21] Oh, fuck me.

[57:22] No, fuck you.

Elliott Kalan

[57:25] And a quiet call, everybody.

[57:28] Oh, Grandma.

[57:28] Checkmate, Grandma.

[57:30] Grandma didn't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[57:32] Yeah, right.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] So anyway.

[57:36] No crime will go unpunished.

Stuart Wellington

[57:38] Before she sticks like a stogie in her mouth.

[57:40] Seven pounds.

[57:41] She takes out her cigarette and puts it down on his arm.

[57:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:44] The hungry rabbit jumps seven pounds.

Stuart Wellington

[57:48] Seven meows.

[57:49] So what do we do now, Dan?

[57:51] What the fuck?

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] Cat-themed musical?

[57:53] Yeah.

[57:55] So yeah, what do we do now, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[57:57] Now's the part of the...

[57:58] We go to sleep or something?

[57:59] No, now's the part of the podcast where we recommend a movie that we actually enjoyed

[58:04] in contrast to the shit that we just shat on.

[58:07] Oh, okay.

[58:08] Why would...

Stuart Wellington

[58:09] First off, I'd like to recommend all the other great podcasts on the All Things Comedy Podcast

[58:13] Network.

[58:14] Like what, Stuart?

[58:15] Oh, man.

[58:16] Let me come up with some.

[58:17] Walking the Room.

[58:18] Let's not forget Minivan Men.

[58:20] Yeah, Minivan Men, Monday Morning Podcast.

[58:22] Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank.

[58:24] The Bone Zone.

[58:25] That's a new one.

[58:27] Baron Von's something.

[58:29] Oh, that's great.

[58:31] Long Shot.

[58:32] Yeah, there's a shitload of them.

[58:33] Long Shanks.

[58:33] They're all great.

Dan McCoy

[58:34] Go to allthingscomedy.com for all of your comedy needs.

Elliott Kalan

[58:39] Yeah, all things that are comedy are there.

[58:41] Literally all of the things.

Stuart Wellington

[58:43] Or all the things that are there are comedy.

[58:45] I think that's what it means.

Elliott Kalan

[58:46] Or maybe it's a comedy version of the All Things.

[58:48] The Viking Meeting House.

[58:49] Sure.

[58:50] Where they would democratically decide how the Vikings were going to be governed.

[58:53] Mm-hmm.

[58:54] The All Thing.

[58:56] Thanks for putting a punctuation point on that.

[58:59] But, um...

[59:01] So what do we do now, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[59:02] No, well, now, I guess, is when we talk about a film that we liked that we would recommend.

[59:09] I'm going to go first.

Stuart Wellington

[59:10] I'm going to take the ball on this one, dude.

[59:11] Okay, ball's in your court.

[59:12] Run with it.

[59:13] Run with it.

[59:13] So there's a little movie.

[59:13] Drive down the court.

[59:14] I think you guys all know that I like movies.

[59:16] Dominate the paint.

[59:17] Yeah.

[59:18] So, how...

[59:19] It doesn't sound like you.

[59:20] Let me describe a movie to you, and you tell me if it sounds awesome.

[59:23] Okay, this better not be one of the three movies you've described many times.

[59:26] Now, there's a teacher, okay?

[59:28] And this teacher turns himself invisible.

[59:31] And it drives him crazy.

[59:33] He kills a guy with a submarine sandwich.

[59:36] He jumps on a guy's head and smashes it.

[59:38] Would you call this guy a maniac?

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] What, some kind of non-visible maniac?

Stuart Wellington

[59:44] It's actually called the invisible maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[59:46] It was called the unseeable crazy guy?

Stuart Wellington

[59:49] I don't think that encapsulates what the movie's about, because he's also a teacher.

[59:54] So if you just said crazy guy, like, maniac makes him sound more like a teacher.

[59:59] No, it doesn't.

[1:00:00] And then he shoots this other invisible guy with a shotgun at the end.

[1:00:04] Wait, what?

[1:00:04] Spoiler alert.

[1:00:05] Oh, come on.

[1:00:06] You know you're going to see another invisible guy get killed when you go see the invisible maniac.

[1:00:10] So, invisible maniac.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:13] Or you could watch, I think it's called Invisible, The Chronicles of Brian Knight, which is another movie about a guy who turns invisible.

[1:00:19] It's the sequel to the movie Mandroid.

[1:00:23] So that's your recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:25] Or, I don't know, go fucking watch Circuitry Man or some shit.

[1:00:28] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:30] Sorry, Vernon Wells.

[1:00:31] So your recommendation is Invisible Maniac, one of your old standbys, or Circuitry Man or some shit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:38] Or go watch Split Second with Rucker Howard, where he plays the...

[1:00:43] Yeah.

[1:00:44] Where he plays the...

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] Stewart is like HBO at two in the morning, just playing in your head all the time.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:50] I just watched some alien knockoff shit, like Split Second, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:57] Split Second's great, because that's the one where Rucker Howard plays the detective, the hard-boiled detective, who's addicted to chocolates.

[1:01:03] Oh, sure, yeah.

[1:01:05] Just watch Doll Man vs. the Demonic Toys or some shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:08] I've recommended that in earnest before.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:10] I'm not saying...

[1:01:12] Just watch Stephen King's The Langoliers or something.

[1:01:14] I'm not saying I don't love Split Second starring Rucker Howard.

[1:01:18] I'm just saying if you're going to recommend it, recommend it with some conviction.

[1:01:21] I think it's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:22] Just watch fucking Life Force or something.

[1:01:25] Just random movies coming out of Stewart.

[1:01:27] I'll recommend it.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:29] You know what?

[1:01:32] I was struggling with...

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:33] I feel like Stewart just looks through the TV guide beforehand and goes, I'll just say Invisible Maniac and then a bunch of these.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:41] Spies, Lies, and Naked Thighs.

[1:01:43] That's what I recommend.

[1:01:44] What is that?

[1:01:45] It's a TV movie.

[1:01:46] Wait, what?

[1:01:47] I don't know that one.

[1:01:49] You said it like we knew about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:51] You said it as if we were all going to get that and then laugh at it.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:54] It's a TV movie from the 90s.

[1:01:57] About what?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:59] It's like a weird spy comedy.

[1:02:01] What's the TV movie where Tiffany Everthiessen loses her memory or something or someone gets killed and she needs to get revenge?

[1:02:08] She's in a hot tub at one point.

[1:02:10] Hot tub revenge machine.

[1:02:11] I think that's what it is.

[1:02:13] It's a hot tub powered by revenge.

[1:02:14] She's a man droid in that one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:17] So I've already done my recommendation, assholes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:20] Up to your turn, Dan.

[1:02:21] Oh, Stewart, you've done more than enough.

[1:02:23] You recommended like 18 movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:25] So I was thinking about what to recommend.

[1:02:27] I'm going to recommend a movie directed by Roger Donaldson who directed tonight's film, which I've already forgotten what we watched.

[1:02:37] We watched Seeking Justice.

[1:02:38] Seeking Justice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:38] So you're going to recommend Dante's Inferno, right?

[1:02:41] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:42] Was it Dante's Peak?

[1:02:44] Was that what it was?

[1:02:44] Directed a little movie called The Bank Job with Jason Statham.

[1:02:49] If you want a nice, low-key, gritty heist film starring your friend and mine, Jason Statham.

[1:02:59] Yeah, that dude's jacked.

[1:03:01] Then The Bank Job is a very enjoyable, just stripped down heist film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:09] They stripped down?

[1:03:10] It's like a naked heist film?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:12] Yeah.

[1:03:12] And it's like Sexy Beast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:14] Oh, yeah, because they go swimming.

[1:03:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:17] So that's my recommendation.

[1:03:18] The Bank Job, huh?

[1:03:19] Yeah, The Bank Job.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:20] You're sticking with that one?

[1:03:22] Yeah, sure.

[1:03:22] Okay.

[1:03:23] I haven't seen a lot of movies lately, but one I saw that I did enjoy.

[1:03:28] It's from 1910.

[1:03:29] It's from 1910.

[1:03:31] It's called Edison's Sneeze Test.

[1:03:34] It's from the earth to the bank job.

[1:03:36] But I recently watched a movie I had, kind of surprised I'd never seen before, which was Reds with Warren Beatty, that Warren Beatty also directed, which I actually enjoyed a lot.

[1:03:47] And it's a movie that it's…

[1:03:48] A movie about communists.

[1:03:49] Well, yeah, it's a movie about the early 20th century kind of socialist communist intelligentsia in America and their relationship with the Russian Revolution and specifically reporter John Reed, who was an American radical reporter who went to Russia and witnessed the revolution firsthand and then tried to get involved in it and became disillusioned with it.

[1:04:12] And it stars him and Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson, and it's this big epic of a type that Hollywood doesn't quite do anymore the same way.

[1:04:22] And in some ways, it's this very old-fashioned epic romance set on a historical scale and loosely based on a true story.

[1:04:29] And in some ways, it's a very kind of risky avant-garde movie in that he peppers the movie with real interviews with the actual people who were there at the time and then intersperses that with film scenes and sometimes has the audio from one bleed into the other.

[1:04:47] There are a couple of scenes that he does in a very interesting kind of super shorthand to get an idea across.

[1:04:52] And for a three-hour movie, it moves pretty well.

[1:04:56] It drags a little bit at times, but it moves really well.

[1:04:59] And it's a good old-fashioned movie that was made in the 80s, so it's still in color and all that stuff, so you don't have to worry about that.

[1:05:06] And if you ever want to see being their author, Jerzy Kaczynski, in a movie, he's in it as the Soviet minister, Zinoviev.

[1:05:15] So munchies.

[1:05:17] So munchies.

[1:05:18] No, reds.

[1:05:18] So reds I would recommend.

[1:05:19] You're now recommending munchies.

[1:05:21] Or munchies.

[1:05:22] And if we had more time, I would talk about how reds does a few things that I wish Lincoln had done.

[1:05:27] But we don't have time, so you'll just have to ponder that.

[1:05:29] But like interviews with people who are actually there.

[1:05:31] Well, that's one of the things I wish they could have done, but they can't.

[1:05:34] Like interviews with the vampire?

[1:05:36] Yeah.

[1:05:36] Well, just ways.

[1:05:37] Yeah, exactly like that, Dan.

[1:05:38] Ways in terms of making the interview.

[1:05:43] Making the characters more characters than just impersonations of real historical figures.

[1:05:48] But also, it does what Lincoln does well in a lot of ways, which is intermixing the ideas of a time with the events of a time in a dramatic way.

[1:05:55] It's a movie about the ideas of how society can be reorganized and how that works or doesn't work.

[1:06:01] But there's also like a romance and adventure scenes and things like that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:04] So it's like, you're talking about Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter again?

[1:06:08] No, no, I'm not talking about Red's Vampire Hunter.

[1:06:10] Okay.

[1:06:11] I'm not talking about Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter as well.

[1:06:16] No, no, the Lincoln, no, the Spielberg Lincoln, that one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:19] Spielberg Lincoln, the guy.

[1:06:20] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:22] This is the last, uh, it's the last Lop House of 2012.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:28] We probably should have done like our best of 2012s or something like that.

[1:06:33] Well, we'll do that in 2013.

[1:06:35] Okay, we'll do that in 2013.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:37] Yeah, you can't really take the flavor of a year until you're outside it.

[1:06:41] You know what I mean?

[1:06:41] Much like an enchilada.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:43] It's very hard to take the flavor of an enchilada until you're outside of the enchilada.

[1:06:47] So you can eat it.

[1:06:47] You're totally right.

[1:06:48] If you're inside of it, you're just...

Dan McCoy

[1:06:49] Eating your way out of an enchilada, you're more terrified.

[1:06:53] You're more like worried about suffocating inside that.

[1:06:56] Deliciously terrified.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:57] That's why it's called an enchilada.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] Well, I imagine...

[1:07:00] Not even going to dignify that.

[1:07:01] Not an enchilada.

[1:07:02] You wake up...

[1:07:03] Yeah, exactly.

[1:07:03] You wake up...

[1:07:04] All you remember is going into the parking garage in the mall and feeling a bump on the back of your head.

[1:07:09] When you wake up, you're inside a giant enchilada.

[1:07:12] And Mexican Jigsaw is out there.

[1:07:15] Would you like to play a game?

[1:07:17] You have to eat your way out of this enchilada in five minutes or eat your own leg, senor.

[1:07:23] It's called El Saw.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:24] It's racist.

[1:07:25] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:27] For the Flop House.

[1:07:28] On that note, yeah, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:07:31] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:33] And as much as I try to change, I'm still Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:36] So, tune into the movie house.

[1:07:38] No.

[1:07:39] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:39] No.

[1:07:40] So wrong.

[1:07:42] So wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:43] Wait.

[1:07:43] Is that how we're signing off now?

[1:07:45] Good night, everyone.

[1:07:57] So...

[1:07:58] What...

[1:07:59] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:59] What are we doing?

[1:08:01] I think Dan has to start...

[1:08:02] Doing a podcast.

[1:08:02] Yeah.

[1:08:03] Okay.

[1:08:03] You're gonna give us the count?

[1:08:04] I'm gonna give us the count von count.

[1:08:09] In three...

[1:08:10] Enough of your jokes.

[1:08:11] Two...

[1:08:12] One...

The Flop House: Episode #117 - Seeking Justice

Transcript

In this episode

Description