The Flop House: Episode #120 - The Paperboy

[0:00] In this episode, we chart the continuing Nicolas Cage-ification of John Cusack with The Paper

[0:06] Boy.

[0:07] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:35] What's up Dan?

[0:36] Hey Stuart.

[0:37] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] Yeah, and I'm Stuart.

[0:39] Wellington.

[0:40] Hey, I was waiting for the last name.

[0:41] Not a difference, Stuart.

[0:42] There's only one.

[0:43] We didn't try to sneak one in.

[0:44] No.

[0:45] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:46] What's up?

[0:47] That's it.

[0:48] Fellows.

[0:49] That's my whole name.

[0:50] Didn't have like a funny thing to do?

[0:51] I mean...

[0:52] A little bit.

[0:53] Some sort of business.

[0:54] Yeah, this thing's filed under comedy.

[0:55] I mean, you want me to really ham it up?

[0:56] Not a how-to.

[0:57] Well, hey!

[0:58] Who's this over here?

[0:59] Elliot Kalin!

[1:00] No, stop, stop.

[1:01] That's too much.

[1:02] That's too much.

[1:03] See, again, that's...

[1:04] How can I satisfy you guys?

[1:05] I'm either going too low or I'm going too high.

[1:06] Come on.

[1:07] Welcome to the Flop House.

[1:08] We watch movies here.

[1:09] Welcome to the Mouse House.

[1:10] Your home for questions about mice problems.

[1:11] Let's go to some viewer mail.

[1:12] This one goes out to Dan.

[1:13] It says, Dan, I know you say that glue traps are the most humane way to kill an animal,

[1:14] but what if it's not?

[1:15] Dan, do you want to reply to that?

[1:16] It's actually not the most humane way.

[1:17] That's totally different from what you said last week on the Mouse House.

[1:18] It's not the most humane way.

[1:23] It's actually not the most humane way.

[1:42] That's totally different from what you said last week on the Mouse House.

[1:51] We watched a little film called The Paperboy, written and directed by precious director Lee Daniels.

[2:00] Never made a bad movie, Lee Daniels.

[2:02] He's a precious director the way Wes Anderson can be a little too precious sometimes?

[2:05] No, I mean he directed the film...

[2:07] Or do you mean he's been driven mad by a ring that he calls precious?

[2:10] Precious based on a novel pushed by Sapphire.

[2:13] Oh, yeah.

[2:14] Starring Mo'Nique.

[2:17] Mo'Nique.

[2:20] Stands for Mormon Nique.

[2:24] But we didn't watch Precious based on the novel pushed by Sapphire.

[2:27] We watched The Paperboy based on the novel The Paperboy.

[2:32] Which was in turn based on the video game, the Nintendo video game.

[2:37] Well, here's the thing.

[2:39] The weird thing is they really took the source material in an odd direction because the video game Paperboy,

[2:43] you're a paperboy, you throw papers, you try to get them in the mailbox, sometimes you break a window,

[2:47] somebody runs up and yells at you, maybe a dog chases you.

[2:50] This, they took that main character of the paperboy and they put him into a weird lurid southern gothic kind of...

[2:56] This is the kind of thing I was talking about earlier.

[2:58] Yes, bizarre soap opera, which I don't remember from the game.

[3:02] No, yeah, it doesn't exist in the game.

[3:04] It's like if they made a movie...

[3:05] It's like a junkyard.

[3:06] It's like they made a movie of Duck Hunt and it was all about how that dog that catches the ducks was really like owed a lot of money to the mob,

[3:13] so he has to become a prostitute.

[3:15] Is that why he's always giggling at you when you fuck up?

[3:17] Yeah, yeah.

[3:18] Well, that's because he's practicing to be a geisha girl to get that money back so he can escape the mob.

[3:22] He is giggling from behind a coy hand.

[3:25] Yeah, like this.

[3:29] I really want to have sex with that dog.

[3:32] And that dog is what the Mikado was based on, I think.

[3:34] I didn't see the movie Topsy-Turvy, but I assume that it's all about how Gilbert and Sullivan were playing Duck Hunt and got the inspiration for the Mikado.

[3:43] The actual film, The Paperboy, starring Zac Efron, Nicole Kidman, Matthew McConaughey, and the raven himself, John Cusack.

[4:02] Oh, he played Ed Grell and Poe.

[4:03] He didn't play the raven.

[4:04] Scott Glenn, dude.

[4:05] Scott Glenn is in it and also the bad guy from Rise of the Planet of the Apes is in this.

[4:09] And Macy Gray.

[4:10] And Macy Gray is in this.

[4:11] Okay, here's the movie.

[4:13] She's plastered all over this thing.

[4:15] Let's just say off the bat.

[4:16] This is a Macy Gray vehicle.

[4:18] Everyone talks with a heavy southern accent.

[4:20] You can understand maybe 30% of the dialogue in the movie.

[4:23] Macy Gray is the least understandable, and she's the narrator of the film.

[4:27] Yeah, and a framing device that is kind of abandoned after the beginning.

[4:33] Well, it starts with her being interviewed by somebody, and then she narrates through the movie.

[4:37] You never find out who's interviewing her.

[4:39] Her narration is basically –

[4:41] We the viewer, I guess.

[4:42] She does a lot of telling you things that the character would never know

[4:48] and also telling you things that would be more easily told to you just through scenes where those things happen.

[4:53] Possibly by people who don't speak with a crazy, mumbly accent.

[4:57] Yeah.

[4:58] Okay.

[4:59] Let's just say right off the top of the bat, this is southern trash at its lowest point, let's call it.

[5:07] I mentioned to Dan near the end of the movie that this felt like something that Tennessee Williams pooped.

[5:12] Like if he pooped and it was a movie.

[5:14] Yeah, that's true.

[5:15] It would be the paperboy.

[5:17] Yeah, like in It's Alive sort of situation.

[5:19] Well, It's Alive was a baby.

[5:21] It was a poop?

[5:22] No.

[5:23] I got to watch It's Alive again.

[5:24] Let's pause the time.

[5:25] You're thinking about Shit's Alive, the knockoff of It's Alive.

[5:29] I'm glad you made that joke.

[5:30] That's really good.

[5:32] So should we try to sum up what happens in this hodgepodge?

[5:35] Yeah, I kind of want to challenge you to synopsize this book.

[5:38] It's difficult because this is like a Dickens novel.

[5:40] There's so many characters, so many plots.

[5:42] Let's start with the beginning.

[5:43] Macy Gray is a maid slash cook for a southern family.

[5:48] Slash narrator.

[5:49] Slash narrator.

[5:50] She narrates their lives.

[5:51] She's breaking the monopoly that people with good voices have on narrating things.

[5:56] Ouch.

[5:57] You're Morgan Freemans.

[5:58] You're James Earl Jones.

[6:00] You're Berners Herzog.

[6:01] Exactly.

[6:02] Yeah.

[6:03] There were times during this when it was like, couldn't they have found Mickey Rourke to do this?

[6:08] Couldn't they have gotten the Dick Tracy villain Mumbles to narrate this?

[6:11] Couldn't they have gotten someone on the other side of a phone talking through a handkerchief?

[6:15] Couldn't they get someone and stick a bunch of towels in their mouth and have them narrate it?

[6:20] Couldn't they get Eliza Doolittle from the scene where she has a bunch of marbles in her mouth?

[6:23] Why couldn't they get a kid who doesn't speak English and have him talk through a trumpet?

[6:27] And then he could narrate the movie.

[6:31] So anyway, so she works for this family and she narrates the movie.

[6:35] Zac Efron plays Jack, a paper boy.

[6:38] His dad owns the newspaper in this seedy southern town.

[6:42] Let's just call the town Hicksville.

[6:44] I don't remember what it's called, but everyone there is a super redneck.

[6:46] Sweatsburg.

[6:47] Mumbly Sweatsburg.

[6:49] I think it's Moat County or Moats County.

[6:52] Yeah, it is, I think, Moats County.

[6:53] Now, this is the year's 19th.

[6:55] Named for the large moat ringing the castle.

[6:57] Yeah, because the feudal lord is inside that castle.

[7:02] It's 1969, a turbulent time in America, especially in the south.

[7:06] This happened in the past?

[7:08] Yes.

[7:10] Do you think everyone was just really retro in their clothes?

[7:12] Yeah, I don't know.

[7:13] I thought it was like a Wes Anderson movie.

[7:15] They all have black and white TVs.

[7:16] No one uses a telephone that doesn't have a wire attached to a wall.

[7:20] Hey, man.

[7:21] You're just really hip down in the south, man.

[7:23] Yeah, I thought it was cool.

[7:24] So continue.

[7:25] So, Zac Efron, he was a swimmer in college, but he got kicked out of college for a prank

[7:30] where he drained all the water out of the pool.

[7:32] Now, he's working as a paperboy at home in the sweatiest, grittiest town below the Mason-Dixon line

[7:38] and, frankly, above the Mason-Dixon line probably.

[7:41] His dad has a girlfriend that he doesn't like and that really doesn't enter into the movie ever at all,

[7:48] but she's a character.

[7:49] She's from New York, I think.

[7:51] She mentioned she's from New York.

[7:53] It's one of those things where everyone in the movie is a kind of horrible southern caricature,

[7:58] but she is somehow worse than them, and she's the character that they can all feel is the bad guy, I guess.

[8:05] Now, Zac Efron's brother is Matthew McConaughey.

[8:07] His name is Ward, and he has a sidekick who's a black guy named Yardley,

[8:12] and the two of them are writers for like the Miami Times or something.

[8:16] I guess they're in Florida in the movie.

[8:17] This is like northern Florida where it's really super southern.

[8:22] Ironically, the northern half of Florida is more southern than the southern half of Florida.

[8:26] What are you going to do?

[8:27] It's Florida. It's a kooky state.

[8:28] Anyway, so they come to this town because a man has been thrown in jail for a murder.

[8:35] He probably didn't commit.

[8:37] Now, the murder was of a sheriff who they say was slashed.

[8:43] His belly was slashed open, and then he walked a mile with his intestines hanging out.

[8:47] Yeah, and we meet this sheriff.

[8:48] You don't really see that though, by the way.

[8:50] Macy Gray narrates it in black and white, and this inciting incident is given no weight in the movie.

[8:58] No, we don't know what's happening.

[9:00] We don't know anything about the sheriff.

[9:01] Spoiler alert, his murder really remains unsolved.

[9:05] Literally at the end of the movie they say no one ever knows who killed the sheriff.

[9:08] Now, the man who is wrongly convicted is…

[9:11] No one knows who killed Sheriff McGuffin.

[9:15] Now, so the man who supposedly committed the murder is John Cusack in his wormiest performance ever.

[9:21] This is the performance we wanted in The Raven.

[9:24] He is sweaty, mumbly, disgusting.

[9:27] He's just a perverted mess.

[9:29] He's a monster.

[9:30] He's possessed by the spirit of Randy Quaid.

[9:33] He's like if Randy Quaid and a naked mole rat got into a transporter from the fly and then switched bodies.

[9:41] I screened Bad Lieutenant at Port of Call New Orleans.

[9:44] I'm like I could do better.

[9:45] I could do that.

[9:46] It does feel like John Cusack.

[9:47] It feels like everyone in this movie thought this was their chance to do a Nicolas Cage performance.

[9:51] It's like I wouldn't be surprised if Nicolas Cage was credited in the credits as acting coach for this movie because this is an over-the-top, mumbly, crazy movie.

[10:00] I skipped the fact that Nicole Kidman has started a letter writing romance with John

[10:06] Cusack and through his letters, she is one, so totally sexually turned on by him that

[10:12] she too believes he's innocent and she's gotten in touch with Matthew McConaughey and

[10:16] Yardley and brought them to the town to investigate and write an article proving John Cusack's

[10:22] innocence.

[10:24] I mean, she's kind of a free spirit.

[10:25] I mean, it's not like his his words have driven her mad with passion.

[10:29] No, no. Nicole Kidman's character is one of these like Southern Belle Diva trailer trash

[10:35] like a nympho types.

[10:36] Yeah. The kind that looks like a baby doll type character.

[10:39] But if it's like the girl from Baby Doll, like aged 30 years, you know, 30 years in

[10:45] the future. And now she's got like, yeah, she's your trailer park femme fatale.

[10:49] Yeah. Basically, trailer calling her trailer park femme fatale fatale is giving that character

[10:54] way more credit as a rounded character than she actually is.

[10:57] But anyway, she Zac Efron has a crush on her.

[11:01] He really wants to do it.

[11:03] And she is inappropriately affectionate, touchy with everybody.

[11:08] And there's a lot of scenes of them kind of like looking at each other, being all sweaty.

[11:12] There's a lot of scenes this mumbling shit.

[11:14] Yeah. Sweaty in a room, mumbling shit.

[11:17] And then the narration will say, like, then they investigated and found some clues.

[11:22] And then the next scene will be just them talking.

[11:24] And you're like, well, why don't you show me them finding the clues?

[11:26] It's like the movie is deliberately narrating the important parts of the movie and then

[11:32] showing you the boring parts of the other movies cut out.

[11:35] Most of the scenes feel like we're watching right before the cameras get turned on.

[11:40] And they're still like maybe rehearsing a little, maybe blocking out the scene, maybe

[11:44] talking about what they did that weekend.

[11:45] Workshopping their characters.

[11:47] Basically, yeah. And then it's like as soon as they were like, OK, Lee, we're ready to

[11:50] start running the script pages and we ran out of film.

[11:53] Oh, no, no. We're out of film. We got to do this.

[11:56] And there's a lot of he keeps accidentally turning it off when he thinks he's turning

[12:00] the camera on. Yeah.

[12:01] Before I get to the scene where they all go to fix it all in post, before I get to the

[12:06] scene where they all get in post because he layers it, he adds a lot of layers.

[12:11] They go to visit John Cusack in prison and John Cusack.

[12:14] This is the best scene. Meanwhile, four people are sitting there.

[12:18] And John Cusack, John Cusack tells Nicole Kidman, OK, spread your legs open.

[12:22] Now rip open your pantyhose. OK, now start touching yourself.

[12:26] And John Cusack, through his pants, masturbates himself to ejaculation.

[12:29] Well, he doesn't touch himself.

[12:31] Like, I don't think I think he just like the raw power of Nicole Kidman.

[12:34] And Nicole Kidman is literally sitting there in my pants, just opening her mouth going,

[12:39] oh, like you wanted to see a movie where you want to see a movie.

[12:44] Don't watch the paperboy where you literally see Nicole Kidman's legs spread wide open

[12:51] and she rips open her pantyhose and then she fillets the air.

[12:55] Yes, she fillets. He says, he says, do show me what you do with your mouth.

[12:58] Like you said in the letters. And yes, she fillets the air basically for five minutes.

[13:03] And the other characters in the scene are supposed to be super turned on by this.

[13:08] But they're all but they'll kind of just like seem like they're like, should we leave?

[13:11] They their reactions run the gamut from awkward to bored.

[13:16] But we should mention that this movie is it's like Lee Daniels said, I'm going to shoot this movie like it was a trashy movie made in the late 60s.

[13:25] And so he's throwing in all these techniques like zooms and just super tons of dissolves and like a camera that doesn't look at the people who are talking.

[13:36] It's like he took like the worst things about Robert Altman and like what Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

[13:43] I don't know. And threw them into a into a blender and then added a little bit of, you know, like some kind of, you know, 60s beach party movie.

[13:52] Yeah. Like, I don't know. It reminds me of some of Vincent Gallo's worst moments, too.

[13:56] Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, your your your low rent blaxploitation films as well as a little bit of that.

[14:03] I mean, the whole movie, but it draws on all these like it draws on all these trash influence and influences.

[14:10] And then like these already influences, like it's got this Altman side of this Terrence Malick side.

[14:15] But it's also got this John Waters kind of like early John Waters aspect to it.

[14:19] Yeah. But it neither has the clarity of like the artists, nor does it actually have the skill of exploitation or the meaning.

[14:29] Like there's a like the reason John Waters is doing stuff to shock and break specific boundaries.

[14:34] The reason Robert Altman is doing what he does is to create a sense of atmosphere.

[14:38] And I'm also saying that the films like are shot better than this.

[14:43] He's he's borrowing these techniques, but he's fucking them up and he has no idea what he's doing with it.

[14:47] It's like he's just like, I just throw a bunch of techniques in here and it'll work.

[14:50] And if you borrow all these techniques from all these different sources and then he he does this and then he forgets what makes any of those things fun.

[14:57] Yeah. Like he saps all everything that makes it fun and interesting and just leaves a dull and like worst elements thing for us to watch.

[15:06] It's a movie that's somehow dull and incredibly tasteless.

[15:10] So like so they go to visit him in the jail. They have a hunch that there's a guy.

[15:14] I think it's John Cusack's like uncle or cousin who can give him an alibi for the night the sheriff was killed.

[15:20] He seems completely uninterested in that. I think like Cusack even like says it.

[15:24] And it's like, why didn't Cusack bring up the fact that he had an alibi?

[15:28] We're supposed to believe, I think, that he was railroaded by the courts and the police that like it didn't matter what he said.

[15:33] He was going to get thrown in jail because he was a patsy for this murder.

[15:36] Sure. And he doesn't even seem to care if they find like solve it or not.

[15:41] He's the worst man in the universe. Like if he doesn't seem to care if he gets out of jail.

[15:44] All he cares about is Nicole Kidman coming in, miming sex act into the air, wearing a dress because pants are unbecoming.

[15:53] They go later and visit and Nicole Kidman is wearing sparkly pants and John Cusack yells at her for wearing pants and tells her to wear a dress whenever he goes.

[16:00] He names about 37 different people and he goes, you know what, who they are?

[16:04] And they go, no, no, they're prisoners. They wear pants. Everyone wears pants in here.

[16:09] If you wear pants, how am I supposed to tell you apart from the men?

[16:12] But this is after he's literally like, you know, this guy, James Smith.

[16:16] No. OK, well, what about this guy, Delroy Becker?

[16:20] No, you don't know him. OK, well, what about a set?

[16:23] And he just rambles off a bunch of made up names before making this point about pants.

[16:28] But anyway, so they go to see his uncle or cousin who lives out in a shack in the middle of the swamp.

[16:32] And with his topless harem, there's no way to get to it without wading through a ball.

[16:38] They wade through. They wade through a bunch of mud for about 40 hours.

[16:42] They take a long enough break to just sit on a log and maybe talk about where Zac Efron's relationship like what's going on with his love life.

[16:49] Yeah. And they and they find this guy.

[16:51] Well, you have to realize it took them seven days to get there. It's a rest in pitch camp.

[16:55] They find this guy whose job appears to be disemboweling gators.

[16:58] He he has a gator hanging. Well, that's the thing.

[17:01] John Cusack says, of course, they found blood on my knife and on my shirt.

[17:04] That's my job. I'm a gator skinner. So they go to see his uncle who has a gator.

[17:08] Believeable, by the way, he looks like a southern gator skin.

[17:11] Oh, yeah. And not at all like a kind of drunk, like formerly alcoholic Ace Ventura impersonator,

[17:21] like a guy who hanging around Hollywood Boulevard pretending to be Ace Ventura.

[17:25] You take pictures with him and then he goes to sleep in a dumpster.

[17:29] So what's he doing with all his money, all his with his riches from posing as Ace Ventura on the street?

[17:37] Does he use it to pay for America's because he's got to have that hard.

[17:40] He's got to have like a kind of detective. He is. I want my patient taken with Ace Ventura.

[17:46] How do you even know that character? That movie came out 10 years before you were born, sweetie.

[17:51] Anyway, they go and he while he's talking to them and even his uncle seems totally interested in providing an alibi.

[17:58] He slits open a gator's belly and pulls out about 40 tons worth of gook and organs.

[18:04] And this will be the first of several times that animal parts are used for no reason.

[18:09] So they find this alibi. They go back.

[18:12] There's a lot of filler, which includes the scene where Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman go to the beach.

[18:17] And she says, you want me to blow you? Well, I'm not going to blow you.

[18:20] I think we should get back to the beach scene. Well, it doesn't really connect up with.

[18:23] I'm just going to mention what happens here so we don't forget.

[18:25] And Zac Efron goes just to show that this is totally unrelated to the rest of the movie.

[18:29] Zac Efron goes swimming and is stung by a jellyfish.

[18:32] A shillow to jellyfishes.

[18:34] There's a thousand jellyfish in the water all over his body.

[18:36] And he gets out and a bunch of girls are like, oh, we're going to have to pee on the poison.

[18:41] Nicole Kidman starts going, you don't piss on him. Get the fuck out of here.

[18:44] I'll get the fuck out of here. If anyone's going to piss on him, I'm going to piss on him.

[18:47] And very graphically, Nicole Kidman pees all over Zac Efron.

[18:51] And it's like, OK, is this supposed to be like funny or sexy or disturbing?

[18:58] I feel like this needs to be addressed, but it is so out off the beaten path that I kind of want to get through this.

[19:04] Well, then there's a front page newspaper in his dad's,

[19:08] his front page article in his dad's newspaper the next day that says, like, Boy Saved.

[19:11] And I think it includes in the article that he got peed on.

[19:14] Yeah, he's a laughing stock because he's been peed on from coast to coast.

[19:18] It turns out, so it was the story that shocked a nation.

[19:24] Boy, peed on Matthew McConaughey's partner leaves.

[19:29] He's a black guy and he doesn't like being treated badly by everyone in the South.

[19:32] So he leaves. And Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey and Zac Efron are, I guess, investigating something.

[19:39] So they go to stay in a motel overnight.

[19:41] They go to a bar where there's like a women's singing trio in this in this dive bar.

[19:46] And Matthew McConaughey is making eyes with a guy across the room.

[19:50] Turns out he's a closeted homosexual. He's a closeted homosexual gentleman.

[19:54] They go back to the motel. Zac Efron has a weird dream that involves seeing one of the guys from the bar.

[20:00] are naked and then goes over to that guy's motel room to find that these two men have

[20:06] basically raped and beaten and tortured Matthew McConaughey.

[20:09] They chained Matthew McConaughey.

[20:11] We presume they raped him.

[20:12] Well, they handcuffed him.

[20:13] They raped him.

[20:14] He's nude.

[20:15] His face is all bloody.

[20:16] He's blood everywhere.

[20:17] He's lying on a shower curtain.

[20:18] There is a lot of Matthew McConaughey's butt in the back of his scrotum.

[20:23] Yeah.

[20:24] In case you wanted…

[20:25] Not the front of his scrotum.

[20:26] No, no, no.

[20:27] So don't worry.

[20:28] You can show this on network television.

[20:29] In the family hour.

[20:31] But in case you wanted Matthew McConaughey to get the Eastern Promises treatment…

[20:36] I'm imagining it.

[20:38] We're dangerously close.

[20:39] I'm imagining standards and practices like with a measuring tape.

[20:43] They have a caliper.

[20:44] It's like two millimeters of scrotum.

[20:46] That's fine.

[20:47] I'll allow it.

[20:48] Let's see how close we get to the diameter of the scrotum we get.

[20:52] Okay.

[20:53] That's good.

[20:54] We can show it.

[20:55] That's it.

[20:56] You know what?

[20:57] Put it on after.

[20:58] It's a waning scrotum.

[21:00] Put it on right after the voice.

[21:01] That's a family-friendly scrotum there.

[21:06] So Zac Efron breaks through a window, beats up one of the guys.

[21:11] Keeps asking, what's with the plastic sheet?

[21:14] Which is the least important question, and it's obvious the plastic sheet is there

[21:17] to keep the blood from getting on the carpet.

[21:20] Why ask that question?

[21:21] If I was going to beat up and have sex with and then cut up Matthew McConaughey, I'm

[21:25] putting plastic down everywhere.

[21:26] Yeah, because you don't want them to charge you for the damage you do to the room.

[21:30] I mean, I'm spending enough on Matthew McConaughey.

[21:32] I mean, you bought him.

[21:35] I mean, I rented him.

[21:36] On the supplies.

[21:37] They got the handcuffs.

[21:38] He got the shower curtain.

[21:39] Duct tape.

[21:40] Duct tape.

[21:41] I mean, that's not cheap.

[21:42] Like, good stuff?

[21:43] And it's a horrible scene, but one thing I like about it is, so it's two men who have

[21:46] done this to Matthew McConaughey.

[21:47] One is fully dressed, and Zac Efron is fighting him.

[21:50] The other one is just in his boxer shorts, and as Nicole came and watches, the guy in

[21:53] his boxer shorts just gets up and leaves the room and walks out of the motel.

[21:56] Kind of.

[21:57] There's like a jump cut where all of a sudden he's outside of the room.

[22:00] And it's like, it's almost as if he was like, look, I'm just going to call a quiz.

[22:04] I don't need my clothes.

[22:05] Yeah, you fucking flunked, and he appears outside.

[22:08] And this is a movie also, we should mention, one of the bad techniques of this is, there's

[22:12] a movie where a lot of things happen off camera.

[22:14] So like, Macy Gray spills some iced tea on her employer, but it happens off camera, and

[22:19] then you cut back to her holding a pitcher, and you're like, oh, I'm sorry, well, just

[22:22] iced tea.

[22:23] It'll come out.

[22:24] But you heard a splash sound, like someone knocks over a glass, and you just hear it

[22:29] smash.

[22:30] That's a leitmotif, right?

[22:31] Yeah, leitmotif.

[22:32] Yes.

[22:33] It's a theme that runs throughout the film, is things happening off screen.

[22:36] The producers rented that glass.

[22:37] They cannot break it.

[22:38] It's like the old thing about, you can tell it's a low-budget movie because the car chase

[22:43] ends with them pulling off the road and getting out of the cars.

[22:45] They can't afford to smash the cars.

[22:49] So anyway, Matthew McConaughey's all beat up.

[22:51] I'm kind of blacked out for a little bit there.

[22:54] The movie picks up again with Matthew McConaughey out of the hospital, but depressed.

[22:59] Yeah, he's drunk.

[23:01] He's half-blind.

[23:02] He's now blind in one eye.

[23:03] While he's out, his partner, Yardley, publishes the story that then...

[23:10] Exonerates John Cusack.

[23:11] And the governor makes a call, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[23:13] And Yardley has an English accent, and Zac Efron goes to visit him.

[23:17] In an amazing scene.

[23:19] And Zac Efron goes to visit him, and it's revealed he was faking the English accent

[23:22] to get ahead.

[23:24] And also, he let Matthew McConaughey blow him at some point.

[23:27] And that's the extent of the scene.

[23:30] Literally.

[23:31] Because he had ice in his mouth.

[23:32] Yeah, that character dropped a bomb on us.

[23:35] And it's never mentioned again.

[23:38] And so, the article is out, John Cusack has left, and he has picked up Nicole Kidman and

[23:44] taken him to her swamp shack hideaway, to his little paradise in the bayou.

[23:51] They show this, like, shaky shot of the bayou, and they have a narrator tell us about it.

[23:56] Oh, but before that, he shows up at her house, and she goes, oh, I was going to write you

[23:59] a letter.

[24:00] Because he's obviously been out of jail for a couple days.

[24:02] And he's like...

[24:03] He got this great shirt.

[24:04] I mean, it probably took him a while to go through thrift shops and find that awesome

[24:08] shirt.

[24:09] An amazing shirt.

[24:10] And he decides to have sex with her right then and there.

[24:11] And it's basically a rape scene.

[24:13] And it's super...

[24:14] It starts that way.

[24:15] It's super rough.

[24:16] And...

[24:17] But it just includes...

[24:18] We were turned on by this.

[24:20] In case we were really turned on by John Cusack's pale butt pumping into Nicole Kidman while

[24:25] he strangles her.

[24:27] In case we were...

[24:28] Thrusting violently.

[24:29] In case we...

[24:30] Like a jackhammer.

[24:31] In case we didn't realize that this is supposed to be a noxious scene.

[24:33] Lee Daniels has intercut shots of animals, and then a dead possum with blood on its stout.

[24:38] Like, he really goes all out making us...

[24:40] So he amps up the sexiness, is what you're saying.

[24:42] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[24:43] He really titillates.

[24:44] But then Cusack basically...

[24:46] At this point, I wanted to stop the movie and just scour off all of my skin.

[24:51] Because I was never going to feel clean again otherwise.

[24:53] But anyway, John Cusack takes her to his bayou bungalow.

[24:56] Yeah, caveman style.

[24:57] He gets her over the head with the...

[24:59] Drags her by the hair through the swamp.

[25:01] Which is...

[25:02] Then he puts, what, chili on it?

[25:03] Is that what caveman style is?

[25:04] In an app burger?

[25:05] That's animal style.

[25:06] Oh, okay.

[25:07] Caveman style is when you put rocks on the burger.

[25:09] That's terrible.

[25:10] It's a pterodactyl burger.

[25:11] It's also called the toothbreaker.

[25:14] Yeah, but then so...

[25:16] Very popular among rock biters.

[25:18] Yes.

[25:19] Zac Efron.

[25:20] Never ending story reference.

[25:21] Zac Efron.

[25:22] They ride their scooters all over.

[25:23] Gets a letter from Nicole Kidman.

[25:26] Wait.

[25:27] Zac Efron.

[25:28] Nicole Kidman gives a letter to one of the bayou brides to mail.

[25:31] Then Zac Efron is at the wedding of his father and his father's girlfriend.

[25:36] He goes to the kitchen where Macy Gray is now working because she's been fired by his father.

[25:41] And she hands him the letter.

[25:43] As if Nicole Kidman mailed it to her.

[25:45] It doesn't make any sense why she should give it to him.

[25:49] But anyway.

[25:50] Yeah, no, that was what I was going to say.

[25:52] It comes via the circuitous route.

[25:54] So he and his brother, Matthew McConaughey...

[25:57] With eye patch.

[25:58] Who now has an eye patch.

[25:59] Get in a boat.

[26:00] Get in a motorboat and ride it around for about 80 years.

[26:03] I have expected them to show up at the bayou shack after how long the sequence was

[26:07] and find a spaceship there.

[26:09] And it turned out that generations had passed since they left on their epic voyage through the bayou.

[26:16] Technically, I don't think it's a bayou.

[26:18] I think it's a swamp because it's the Everglades, I think.

[26:20] What I think they should have filmed was the scene...

[26:25] They should have filmed Matthew McConaughey explaining to Lee Daniels why he insists

[26:30] that while riding in this motorboat, he holds Zac Efron close to his breast.

[26:35] This is a big motorboat.

[26:36] Yeah, and Matthew McConaughey is literally holding Zac Efron tight as you would a lover

[26:41] as they motorboat through the swamp.

[26:44] Maybe to build speed? I don't know.

[26:47] Keep warm?

[26:49] And Zac Efron does mention that Matthew McConaughey looks like a pirate now,

[26:52] which he does with his eye patch.

[26:54] So they go to the swamp shack, which would be a great name for a down-home cooking place.

[26:59] They go to the swamp shack where it's revealed to us through

[27:04] just seeing her dead body sitting in a chair

[27:06] that John Cusack has killed Nicole Kidman

[27:08] and just left her to sit in a chair.

[27:10] And they say, bring her out.

[27:12] And John Cusack's like, she left!

[27:14] I'm going to go seek out Ghost Joe!

[27:17] Because that's what every character sounds like in this movie.

[27:19] Except for Macy Gray, who sounds like this.

[27:25] Anyway, but there's a scene where Matthew McConaughey...

[27:27] He's casting a spell on me.

[27:29] Zac Efron's trying to snap Matthew McConaughey out of his depression

[27:32] and he makes him get a shower.

[27:33] And Matthew McConaughey's literally in the shower just talking like this.

[27:39] Like everyone in this movie is Boomhauer, basically.

[27:44] That's the funny thing about this movie.

[27:46] The movie feels like someone told Lee Daniels,

[27:49] no one can understand what's going on.

[27:51] We need to get a narrator in to explain it.

[27:53] Like, great, I'll get Macy Gray.

[27:55] I'll get Mumbles Talks Funny.

[27:59] I feel like I know I have a northeastern accent.

[28:02] Yeah, right?

[28:03] I'm sure movies set in New York or New Jersey

[28:05] sound funny to people from the south.

[28:07] But at least they must sound comprehensible.

[28:09] Like, if you watch Analyze This, a person from the south

[28:11] isn't like, I just couldn't understand what they were saying.

[28:13] It was just crazy.

[28:15] The studio execs are like, hey,

[28:17] what everybody loves about those early trailers

[28:19] of The Dark Knight and Dark Knight Rises

[28:21] is nobody understands his Bane character.

[28:23] What's his story? It adds to the mystery.

[28:25] Let's just do an entire movie like that.

[28:27] But it feels at times like Lee Daniels bought a ten-pound bag

[28:31] and then put, like, 80 pounds of Southern in it.

[28:33] And it's just spilling over the sides

[28:35] and it broke the bottom of the bag

[28:37] and there's just a puddle of Southern on the ground.

[28:39] So anyway, they find that John Cusack has killed Nicole Kidman,

[28:43] his lady love, and Zac Efron's lady love.

[28:45] Oh, and they slept together at one point.

[28:47] In order to cheer Zac Efron up

[28:49] after seeing his brother raped and tortured,

[28:51] Nicole Kidman has sex with him.

[28:53] She throws him a bone.

[28:55] And Macy Gray says,

[28:57] it feels awkward talking to you while you're watching this,

[28:59] so I think you've seen enough.

[29:01] And it cuts away from the sex scene.

[29:03] The only time this movie cuts away from anything.

[29:05] The only time it is ever...

[29:07] Because it's supposed to be tender.

[29:09] The only time the movie has a sense of tastefulness

[29:11] is during the consensual sex scene.

[29:13] The one in the movie.

[29:15] So anyway,

[29:17] there's a brief machete versus axe fight

[29:19] between John Cusack holding the machete

[29:21] and Matthew McConaughey holding the axe.

[29:23] Not as exciting as it sounds.

[29:25] John Cusack has a real advantage

[29:27] and Matthew McConaughey has missing an eye.

[29:29] He's missing an eye,

[29:31] but is in much better shape than an old John Cusack.

[29:33] Yes, but still, John Cusack manages to defeat him.

[29:35] Covered in gator grease, maybe.

[29:37] And slits Matthew McConaughey's throat

[29:39] with the machete, killing him.

[29:41] Yeah.

[29:43] Zac Efron...

[29:45] The TV score of the main characters.

[29:47] We've got Zac Efron alive and John Cusack alive.

[29:49] And then I guess Yardley's off someplace,

[29:51] but who cares about him?

[29:53] And Zac Efron runs into the swamp.

[29:55] John Cusack looking for him

[29:57] for an entire night.

[30:00] and then Zac Efron is swimming and that's how he escapes

[30:04] because Lee Daniels puts in a bunch of flashbacks to the beginning of the film

[30:08] where we saw that Zac Efron was a swimmer and knows how to swim

[30:12] so that the audience can go, oh, the swimming, of course.

[30:17] Having watched many movies where a young person has to run away from a crazy sweaty person

[30:24] in a swamp, I guess,

[30:26] this movie seems to have no real interest in making that actually tense.

[30:30] No, there's no tension or suspense in the whole movie.

[30:33] And then at the end of the movie, Macy Gray wraps it up.

[30:35] There's a narration that says that John Cusack's character was found guilty

[30:40] and given the electric chair and they never found out who killed the sheriff.

[30:43] Zac Efron's character became a writer of some renown and he never got over his first love.

[30:49] So the plot of this movie literally sounds like a fever dream.

[30:55] Like if you were feverish and you had a dream and you're like,

[30:59] oh, that'd make a great screenplay.

[31:02] Then you wake up and you start thinking about it.

[31:03] You're giving this movie too much credit, Dan.

[31:06] It feels like an adult swim show at times.

[31:09] We spent a long time summarizing this movie.

[31:12] Because there's so much plot in it.

[31:14] There's so much plot and yet so little happens on screen.

[31:17] Sorry, you're saying, Stuart.

[31:18] But we spent all this time and yet I don't think we communicated exactly how ridiculously dull this movie is.

[31:25] How boring.

[31:26] It manages and it's kind of amazing.

[31:28] It manages to be so tawdry and disgusting and sleazy and super boring and super nothing happening on screen.

[31:36] Characters just kind of sitting there mumbling at each other and scenes that don't go anywhere,

[31:41] that there's no purpose for them and then a narrator coming in and telling you

[31:45] about something much more interesting that happened somewhere else.

[31:49] So-and-so found all the clues.

[31:51] I wouldn't have been surprised if there's the scene of Zac Efron sitting in his underwear on his bed,

[31:55] reading a magazine to himself and then the narrator was like,

[31:59] meanwhile, the barbarians invaded from the north.

[32:03] They were fought back, but many died.

[32:05] The atom bomb was dropped on New York and man was forced to rediscover science.

[32:09] And then Zac Efron in the next scene and Nicole Thicken are just sitting in the front seats of a car,

[32:12] like listening to the radio.

[32:14] Yeah, this movie is like five shocking scenes,

[32:17] each of which are maybe five minutes long, buffered by long scenes of mumbling.

[32:22] An hour, 20 minutes of mumbling and walking around, sometimes driving around.

[32:27] I mean, to get back to-

[32:28] I'm starting to think that Lee Daniels might not be a great director.

[32:32] Well, I mean, here's-

[32:33] Well, don't come to such harsh judgment so fast.

[32:36] Look, as long as Shadowboxer is in his credits, I can't-

[32:39] Look at the performance he got out of Macy Gray.

[32:42] I mean, that is what I'm looking at.

[32:44] I mean, she really seemed like she was, you know, some sort of drugged-up crazy person.

[32:49] That's what he was going for, right?

[32:50] I mean, he made John Cusack way crazier than he was in The Raven, as I've mentioned already.

[32:55] That's true. That's true.

[32:56] He did give everyone the chance to indulge their inner cage,

[32:59] and Nicole Kidman, I think, does the best at this,

[33:01] just doing a very not-her-usual-type-of-character performance.

[33:05] And she got a lot of praise for her performance, but it's still, like, it's so unbelievable.

[33:10] Like, it feels like she's playing a cartoon character.

[33:12] Yeah, well, this movie got-

[33:13] I was, you know, I think both of us were looking at Wikipedia while watching it,

[33:16] just to try and figure out what the fuck was going on,

[33:18] because I can't overstate what we've said before

[33:21] about how it's impossible it is to understand half of what's being said.

[33:24] It's one of the rare movies that's in English, but it needs subtitles.

[33:27] But we were looking at it, and this movie got nominated for a tremendous number of awards, actually.

[33:33] Mostly acting awards, but it was also nominated for the Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival.

[33:37] Oh, it probably won, right? Because it was amazing.

[33:39] It did not win.

[33:40] I think it's one of these cases-

[33:41] I think Amour won.

[33:42] Where, just because-

[33:44] Oh, that's bullshit.

[33:45] Lee Daniels-

[33:46] Haneke!

[33:47] He's not half the director Lee Daniels is.

[33:50] But that's the thing, I think that because Precious was a critically acclaimed film,

[33:56] people all of a sudden are like-

[33:57] You mean Precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

[34:01] Yeah.

[34:02] Not a very good Gollum.

[34:04] Assumed, like, oh, we have to pay attention to this guy and treat him with respect.

[34:08] Well, now he's a talent and a mover.

[34:11] Yeah, even though this is maybe the most incompetent movie we've watched.

[34:15] It was only because of Precious, I assume, that he got the level of actors for this that he did,

[34:21] the level of stars for a story and a movie that are ridiculously, like, boring, grotesque.

[34:27] In the IMDb trivia, so take it with a grain of salt,

[34:30] it says that Pedro Almodovar considered making this his English language debut,

[34:36] and you can see in your head, kind of like-

[34:38] That would be a great Almodovar film.

[34:40] At the very least, there would have been good, interesting scenes in it, probably.

[34:44] But it seems much more-

[34:45] This is the kind of material that, in the hands of someone like that,

[34:48] might have turned out good, maybe, but still it would have been iffy.

[34:51] But Lee Daniels doesn't seem to be the right guy for it.

[34:54] Obviously, this movie was trying to be provocative.

[34:57] It's not like we don't understand that this movie is supposed to be this overheated,

[35:03] southern, gothic, trash.

[35:06] I mean, at least if it was-

[35:07] But it doesn't work, even on that level.

[35:10] At least if it was an Almodovar movie,

[35:12] there would have theoretically been subtitles, so I could have followed it.

[35:16] I'd like to postulate a theory, going back to the urine scene.

[35:20] Okay.

[35:21] The scene that I was in?

[35:22] I feel like-

[35:23] You said you're in the scene.

[35:25] No, I got the joke.

[35:27] That's good stuff.

[35:29] Just want to make sure that Stuart got it, knew it was a bit,

[35:31] and that I wasn't in the movie, the paperback.

[35:33] I had that blank look on my face.

[35:34] I was thinking about it.

[35:36] Takes me a minute.

[35:37] I feel like we didn't explore it fully, because I wouldn't let us, but-

[35:41] The urine scene.

[35:42] Yeah, you literally said, let's not talk about it.

[35:44] Well, because it is so-

[35:45] Dan's got a joke.

[35:46] Fucking chill out.

[35:47] Let's listen to it.

[35:48] No, it's not a joke.

[35:49] It is so disconnected from the plot of the movie.

[35:51] You're saying it could have been an award-winning short film?

[35:54] I kind of wonder.

[35:56] I would like to postulate the thought that

[35:58] Dean Daniels just has a thing for the idea of Zac Efron being peed on,

[36:02] and so he made this whole movie as a beard,

[36:05] so he could put that scene in a movie.

[36:07] It's possible.

[36:08] I mean, there's also a lot of scenes of Zac Efron just in underpants.

[36:10] Walking around with no clothes on.

[36:12] I would agree with you if this movie wasn't so over-directed.

[36:15] Yeah, that's true.

[36:16] If it looked like he didn't care about the other scenes,

[36:18] but he piles so much effort into the other,

[36:22] into just the techniques he throws in.

[36:24] Just like fiddling around on his computer fucking editing program.

[36:27] Just like, oh, let's do this weird dissolve.

[36:29] Oh, let's do it four more times.

[36:31] Hilarious.

[36:32] Oh, let's do split screens.

[36:34] Let's do split screens.

[36:35] Let's do five split screens of the same person just spinning around.

[36:38] Because I had such a...

[36:39] I didn't know you could do this.

[36:41] People don't want to watch five scenes in a row

[36:43] of people just staring at each other.

[36:45] Let's make this one split screen.

[36:46] It is amazing that there were no star wipes,

[36:48] Venetian blinds wipes.

[36:50] I think those are called slat wipes.

[36:53] There wasn't a point where the film just polarized for no reason.

[36:56] The screensaver comes on and lasers appear.

[37:01] Like the screen burns away to get to the next scene.

[37:04] It's got that really digitized look

[37:06] like an 80s music video all of a sudden.

[37:08] Yeah, it just turns into an aha video.

[37:11] Just animation.

[37:13] Too expensive.

[37:14] I'm kind of surprised at this point

[37:15] that he didn't use an iris in or iris out

[37:17] at any point in the movie.

[37:19] It felt like he wanted to play around

[37:22] with 60s and 70s movie techniques and tropes.

[37:26] But in the way, like you're saying,

[37:28] someone who just got an editing program

[37:30] and can do everything with the touch of one button.

[37:32] It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[37:34] Put them all in.

[37:36] It's like Homer making the video about Ned.

[37:39] Star wipe and star wipe.

[37:41] Lisa says, they don't all have to be star wipes.

[37:43] He goes, why eat hamburger when you can have steak?

[37:45] That's what it feels like

[37:47] Lee Daniels is saying all the time.

[37:49] The peeing scene is really overwrought.

[37:51] It has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

[37:53] It's crazy.

[37:55] Maybe he's trying to say that Nicole Kidman

[37:57] is saving him in some way

[37:59] by peeing him that is degrading him.

[38:01] But he's getting something from it.

[38:03] I don't know what the meaning of that scene is.

[38:05] I don't know what the meaning of this whole movie is.

[38:07] The meaning of the whole movie is

[38:09] don't go to the South ever.

[38:11] It's so unfocused.

[38:13] Literally, it's out of focus.

[38:15] Most of the shots are out of focus

[38:18] He's getting zapped.

[38:20] Am I allowed to say that?

[38:22] Zapped?

[38:24] Zapped?

[38:26] He's getting zapped again.

[38:28] He's getting zapped by these jellyfishes.

[38:30] He's really getting zinged.

[38:32] Jellyfish.

[38:34] Then it keeps cutting to fuzzy

[38:36] out of focus shots of him

[38:38] and then teenagers on the beach.

[38:40] The teenagers on the beach

[38:42] the colors are all blown out.

[38:44] It feels like what Oliver Stone does.

[38:46] Three teenagers on the beach

[38:48] who by the way

[38:50] would love to pee on Zac Efron.

[38:52] They're right about to pee on him.

[38:54] Who wouldn't want to pee on him?

[38:56] He's a hunk.

[38:58] Is that Zac Efron

[39:00] from Orson and Me?

[39:02] I definitely want to pee on him.

[39:04] That's his number one credit.

[39:06] Ten guys we'd love to pee on.

[39:09] I think we've got to wrap this.

[39:11] Win a date to pee on Zac Efron.

[39:13] Mad about Mads.

[39:15] Also there's a cover story

[39:17] on Mads Mikkelsen.

[39:19] Who wouldn't want to pee on that guy?

[39:21] You can have a supporting piece.

[39:23] Teenage girls love Mads Mikkelsen.

[39:25] Who wouldn't?

[39:27] Come on.

[39:29] Ever since his show Mads About You

[39:31] with Helen Hunt?

[39:33] We really need to.

[39:35] So this movie,

[39:38] it is an over-directed

[39:40] but under-movied movie.

[39:42] It's like

[39:44] the kind of thing

[39:46] there's a lot of the feeling

[39:48] of what Oliver Stone

[39:50] or Rob Zombie does

[39:52] where they throw in a lot of effects

[39:54] or techniques or Danny Boyle

[39:56] but with none of the skill

[39:58] that even those guys bring to it.

[40:00] I mean, I'm not a big, huge fan of most of them.

[40:02] I think all that stuff...

[40:03] Danny Boyle's some okay stuff.

[40:04] Danny Boyle.

[40:05] It all distracts from just the fact that most of the characters in the movie don't even seem to care about the focus of the first half of the movie,

[40:12] which is like clearing this guy, getting this weird criminal out.

[40:16] It focuses more on, I guess, Zac Efron being an underpants.

[40:19] He is not a smooth criminal, Danny.

[40:22] He looks like Randy fucking Quaid.

[40:24] He's the least... He's the bumpiest criminal.

[40:28] I guess the focus originally is supposed to be on Zac Efron's crush on Nicole Kidman,

[40:34] but it's so tawdry and gross from the beginning.

[40:36] It feels like it should be Zac Efron seeing this woman and falling in love with her

[40:41] and then finding out how fucked up she is, and he even getting dragged into this morass.

[40:46] But everybody's already screwed up and crazy from the beginning.

[40:50] You keep blocking me from moving the podcast along.

[40:54] But let's talk about this peeing scene again.

[40:57] What was with all the scars on Matthew McConaughey's face?

[41:00] Why would you mess up that punim?

[41:02] This is a good, bad movie.

[41:04] A bad, bad movie or a movie you kind of liked.

[41:06] Elliot, what do you think?

[41:07] I would call this a bad, bad movie.

[41:12] I went into this hoping that it was going to turn out to be a good, bad movie.

[41:15] I had heard how crazy and ridiculous it was,

[41:17] and yeah, I knew there was a scene where Nicole Kidman peed on Zac Efron going into it,

[41:22] but it's so both boring and gross.

[41:26] Just that scene with John Cusack having sex with Nicole Kidman is so icky

[41:31] and everything else is so boring that I would just say go on YouTube,

[41:35] go on the YouTube and watch Nicole Kidman peeing on Zac Efron.

[41:38] That's all you're going to want to see.

[41:40] Go on P-Tube.

[41:41] I'll go with you here.

[41:42] This movie is so crazy that I wish I could recommend it

[41:46] because you're never going to see a movie like this.

[41:49] I don't know.

[41:51] However, you're not going to want to watch it.

[41:55] You're not going to enjoy it.

[41:56] It's an experience like none other, but it's not worth your time at the same time.

[42:01] In the same way that I assume getting all the hair on your body and head

[42:06] and the inside of your body waxed would be an experience,

[42:09] but not something pleasant.

[42:11] Yeah, it's like trying to drink a gallon of milk in an hour.

[42:14] You can't do it, man.

[42:15] It's like the cinnamon test.

[42:16] You want to try to, yeah.

[42:17] It's like the cinnamon experiment, whatever it is.

[42:19] No, I'm with you guys.

[42:20] It's a simple, stupid movie,

[42:24] and it can't even be fun because there's so much bullshit

[42:29] and so many different effects being used.

[42:31] It's so over-directed.

[42:32] I'm just disappointed also that Lee Daniels' dad, Anthony Daniels, wasn't in it,

[42:36] reprising his role as C-3PO.

[42:38] All right, enough of that.

[42:39] So moving on to the next segment,

[42:42] the flop house movie middleware.

[42:45] The next segment of this podcast centipede.

[42:48] Let's wash out the taste of the paperboy with letters.

[42:52] Let's get some letters to the edit-editors.

[42:55] Editor letters.

[42:56] Letters to the editors of Flophouse.

[42:58] Please never make me watch the paperboy again.

[43:01] It's called the paperboy because that's what John Cusack shouts out before,

[43:04] chasing after him wild hair.

[43:06] You know who you are, paperboy?

[43:08] Yeah.

[43:09] He's like, paperboy.

[43:11] You play a good game, paperboy.

[43:13] You play a good paper game, paperboy.

[43:15] But now you die.

[43:16] But now you paper die.

[43:19] So phantasm.

[43:20] How much better would it have been if Angus Scrimm had played every part in the movie?

[43:24] So if Angus Scrimm getting bitten by a jellyfish and then Angus Scrimm peeing on him.

[43:29] This email is titled Jason Voorhees questions.

[43:32] Oh, okay.

[43:33] I'm listening.

[43:34] He knows that Jason Voorhees isn't a host.

[43:36] He's not going to answer these questions, right?

[43:38] This is from Mr. Allen last name.

[43:41] Woody Allen.

[43:42] He says, hello, sirs.

[43:44] I recently discovered the Flophouse podcast and it's since become one of my favorite bad movie podcasts.

[43:49] Thanks, Allen.

[43:50] For whatever reason, it's about 85% of all podcasts.

[43:53] Apparently, but thanks, Allen.

[43:54] That's true, but I recommend it to most people I know.

[43:57] But since no one listens to podcasts, this does nothing.

[44:00] Well, thanks, I guess, Allen.

[44:02] After listening to the roommate episode, I learned that Stu is a Friday the 13th fan.

[44:07] I've wanted to meet a Friday the 13th expert for some time because I have vexing questions about Jason Voorhees.

[44:12] A fan to expert within two sentences.

[44:14] The most vaguely defined of villains.

[44:17] I haven't bothered to sit through an entire movie.

[44:20] I tried last week during the AMC marathon, but I've got a hunch.

[44:23] So he thinks Jason actually dies at the end of the movie.

[44:26] I have a hunch that even if I did watch the entire series.

[44:28] He thinks he's a mad goalie or something.

[44:31] I still wouldn't find answers.

[44:33] So, Mr. Wellington, and there are five questions.

[44:36] Or beef, if I may call you that.

[44:38] Number one, if Jason died as a young boy, why is he a grown man in the series?

[44:43] It's called suspension of disbelief.

[44:45] Stuart, what do you say?

[44:47] Well, yeah, he doesn't really – he's like a weird zombie kid.

[44:50] He didn't really die because he shows up and he drags that chick under the water.

[44:53] And then he shows up later as a grown man with a bag on his head.

[44:55] But then as a zombie – like apparently a zombie who ages?

[44:58] Well, I'm going to step in here and say magic.

[45:01] Yeah, he's – I mean he basically becomes a death elemental later in the series.

[45:06] Spoiler alert.

[45:07] So there's some question as to whether the Jason at the end of the first one is real or a fantasy or a dream.

[45:12] Yeah, I'll agree with Elliot on that.

[45:15] Yeah, that is a dream sequence.

[45:17] Yeah, like at the end of Carrie.

[45:19] Carrie doesn't really stick her hand out.

[45:21] Or the end of I Know Who Killed Me.

[45:23] No, that's not a dream.

[45:24] It's a story she wrote, and it's the alternate ending.

[45:26] All right.

[45:27] Well, number two.

[45:28] Or like the end of Schindler's List when it turns out the Holocaust was a dream.

[45:30] Okay.

[45:31] Schindler's List is my go-to for these jokes too often.

[45:33] I got to stop that.

[45:35] Holocaust dream denier over here.

[45:36] Number two.

[45:37] Why is his face disfigured besides constantly dying and running for several years before being brought back to life?

[45:42] I mean I think that's covered.

[45:44] Like he was a – I mean I don't want to use the word like – I don't know.

[45:48] Like a retard or something?

[45:50] Wow.

[45:51] Come on.

[45:52] Okay.

[45:53] He used it already.

[45:54] It was a setup.

[45:55] He was framed.

[45:56] Entrapment.

[45:57] Entrapment.

[45:58] That's the word.

[45:59] He was born with a deformity, and that was part of why all the kids made fun of him.

[46:03] Yeah.

[46:05] That's why nobody gave a shit when he swam by himself.

[46:07] When he died.

[46:08] He had to swim by himself.

[46:09] He didn't have friends.

[46:10] Yeah.

[46:11] Okay.

[46:12] Number three.

[46:13] Does he have –

[46:14] That's why he kills teenagers.

[46:15] Does he have superpowers or he's just naturally otherworldly strong and regenerative?

[46:16] If so, how did he get them?

[46:17] Okay.

[46:18] First off, in the second movie when he runs around with a bag on his head, he learns the skill on how to teleport from the boyfriend of the heroine of course.

[46:25] After that point, now that he can teleport wherever he wants, he's fucking amazing, right?

[46:29] Because he can just show up whenever he wants and murders people.

[46:32] He watches this guy how to do it.

[46:34] He just – he absorbs it.

[46:35] It's like counting coup because he kills them later on.

[46:38] Counting coup?

[46:39] Yeah.

[46:40] It's that thing that – like the Native American belief where if you kill somebody, you take their spirit.

[46:44] I didn't know that.

[46:45] Number four.

[46:46] Why does electricity running through his corpse keep bringing him back to life or is it that?

[46:49] You haven't seen Ernest goes to jail I think.

[46:54] All right.

[46:55] Fair enough.

[46:56] I think that answers that.

[46:57] Yeah.

[46:58] Number five.

[46:59] It explains the relationship between the human body and electricity better than Ernest goes to jail.

[47:03] It turns you into a magnet and you can fly and blow things up.

[47:06] Why does Jason want to murder everyone?

[47:09] Is it revenge or just a general hatred of other people?

[47:11] And if he did manage to kill everyone at Crystal Lake, would he be satisfied or would he just expand his kill zone?

[47:16] Well, considering he took Manhattan.

[47:17] Would he quit the slasher game and move on with his life?

[47:20] I think these are questions that every JFan has to answer for themselves.

[47:24] I mean part of it is that they leave a lot of that open-ended.

[47:28] Yeah.

[47:29] And I think intentionally.

[47:30] In a way, Jason stands in for whatever you're most afraid of.

[47:33] He's like a mirror.

[47:34] Especially if you're most afraid of a retarded zombie in a hockey mask.

[47:37] For your own dark desires.

[47:39] For your dark passenger.

[47:41] That should be the quote on every Friday the 13th box.

[47:44] A mirror for your own dark desires.

[47:46] Stuart Wellington, The Plop House.

[47:49] I would cry if that happened.

[47:51] All right.

[47:52] Well, this next email comes to us courtesy of Daniel Lastname Withheld.

[47:57] It's titled, In Search of Mysterious Astral Alignments.

[48:03] Dear floppers, long have I enjoyed the inspired hilarity you three original peaches,

[48:08] along with the occasional derivative pair in a peach's absence,

[48:11] bring to bear on my eardrums on a mostly regular fortnightly basis.

[48:15] But only now do I feel compelled to write in,

[48:18] for a mysterious event has occurred that can only be described as spookily good-bad.

[48:23] It's the grand conjunction.

[48:25] I work in the circulation department of a public library, and in this capacity.

[48:29] And I never thought this would happen to me.

[48:33] But a woman has sex with me.

[48:35] And there's an invisible maniac and a castle freak there.

[48:38] In this capacity, spend much of my day in the depths of the back room,

[48:41] sorting return material for its eventual replacement to the shelves.

[48:45] Being out of sight of the public and engaged in the sort of work

[48:47] that doesn't demand one's totality of attention,

[48:49] I can usually be found, earbuds in,

[48:52] wringing my face into a grimace of stifled laughter

[48:54] as I revisit some old favorite flophouses between new episodes.

[48:58] This very morning, as I sorted a few cartloads of DVDs,

[49:01] my deep-cut episode was D-Wars, Dragon Wars.

[49:04] Oh, that's an old one, yeah. It is a deep cut.

[49:06] And Dan was wrapping up his half-hearted recommendation of a movie

[49:09] he was only two-thirds of the way through.

[49:11] Sounds like Dan. Do you see it on a plane, or...?

[49:15] I had just picked up our copy of Cat Bailu,

[49:18] and was reflecting on how undignified Leave Marvin looked on the cover,

[49:21] when what should I hear but Elliot's piping voice recommending Cat Bailu.

[49:25] It's a good movie, Cat Bailu.

[49:27] Yeah, why are you saying it weird?

[49:28] That's how I remembered Elliot saying it.

[49:30] Oh, Cat Bailu.

[49:32] The room reeled about me as I struggled to maintain a grasp

[49:34] on what I had previously and naively assumed to be comprehensible reality.

[49:38] I'm all sucked into the airwaves like kid video or something.

[49:42] What kind of rational reality could I possibly believe in

[49:48] after this thunderbolt of cosmic alignment?

[49:50] How could I live as I once had in the knowledge

[49:55] that my mean existence had somehow attracted the attention of some unnameable other god?

[50:00] For what else commands such cosmos-warping power to enact such a coincidence?

[50:05] Oh yeah, only Cthulhu could do that.

[50:07] I can only shudder in terror at the thought

[50:09] of how irrevocably shredded my sanity would have been

[50:12] had the alignment occurred with Head of the Family.

[50:14] And in any case, this moment of dismay

[50:16] Don't even want to think about it.

[50:18] is a mention of my conviction that the Flophouse is truly something special.

[50:22] Cheers to you, Dan, Elliot, Stuart, Housecat,

[50:24] and, if it's Housecat's weekend to have custody, Housecat's daughter.

[50:27] Hooray!

[50:29] Housecat, you're back!

[50:31] How was his fan?

[50:33] He's gotta give the fans something special. He's gone already.

[50:35] Oh, he already left to go back to...

[50:37] He cares so little for our podcasts.

[50:40] I don't even know why he shows up at all.

[50:42] He shows up only when somebody says something

[50:44] reminding Stuart about it,

[50:46] so Stuart waves the housecat over.

[50:48] Otherwise he's so condescending.

[50:50] I can see him there now sitting on the couch going,

[50:52] Eh.

[50:53] He just comes for the fancy feast catering.

[50:55] So did he watch Cat Belly or no?

[50:57] I don't know.

[50:58] You'd understand why Lee Marvin looks so undignified.

[51:00] He plays two characters in the movie.

[51:02] I think he was too terrified to after that.

[51:04] I can understand that. But it is a good movie.

[51:06] This last email...

[51:08] Killed a man. Right here in Wolf City.

[51:10] Oh, God.

[51:11] Right here in Wolf City. That's the front of the song.

[51:13] Anyway, you were saying?

[51:15] This last email of the evening is titled

[51:17] Sure.

[51:18] The Invisible Maniac music video.

[51:21] Okay.

[51:22] So is this all Stuart?

[51:24] With a little bit of Elliot mailbag?

[51:26] This is from Ryan Lastname.

[51:28] He didn't slip in one of those letters you usually write

[51:30] about how great you are.

[51:32] Hold on.

[51:34] You can still save this email.

[51:36] I think you're starting to get the sense.

[51:38] You're going to shake it up for a little bit?

[51:40] He says,

[51:42] As anyone with a passing familiarity of your program

[51:44] will know, Stuart Wellington

[51:46] is an enthusiastic fan of the Adam Rifkin

[51:48] directed classic The Invisible Maniac.

[51:50] He sure is.

[51:52] What listeners may not know is that The Invisible Maniac

[51:54] was deemed an important enough motion picture

[51:56] to earn a music video.

[51:58] Yes, this brings us to

[52:00] He's Invisible.

[52:02] A music video performed by the metal band Keep Left

[52:04] recounting the incredible achievements

[52:06] of The Invisible Maniac.

[52:08] The metal driving band Keep Left.

[52:10] Words cannot describe

[52:12] the ethereal beauty of this music video

[52:14] and the refrain informing us that

[52:16] He's Invisible.

[52:18] It will haunt you for the rest of your life.

[52:20] The music video can be seen here.

[52:22] I'll throw a link up on the website.

[52:24] Hopefully the music video will be included

[52:26] in the inevitable Criterion Collection Blu-ray

[52:28] of The Invisible Maniac.

[52:30] Perhaps with liner notes to help explain

[52:32] the many visual metaphors that make it

[52:34] such a powerful cinematic statement.

[52:36] Best wishes. Ryan, last name withheld.

[52:38] P.S. Useless fun fact.

[52:40] The lead singer of He's Invisible

[52:42] is a man named Dan Povenmeyer

[52:44] who would later go on to write for Rocco's Modern Life,

[52:46] direct for Family Guy,

[52:48] and create the wildly popular kids animated series

[52:50] Phineas and Ferb.

[52:52] Wow. That's pretty impressive.

[52:54] Between the success of director Adam Rifkin

[52:56] and singer Dan Povenmeyer

[52:58] it has become clear

[53:00] The Invisible Maniac is a launching pad for talent.

[53:02] Who will be the next breakout

[53:04] Invisible Maniac star?

[53:06] Noel Peters? Stephanie Blake?

[53:08] Robert R. Ross Jr.?

[53:10] Only time will tell.

[53:12] It's a regular dazed and confused freaks and geeks.

[53:14] It's one of those launching pads for careers.

[53:18] I didn't actually hear the rest of the email

[53:20] because I was on the iTunes store

[53:22] trying to find the Keep Left song

[53:24] so I could immediately download it.

[53:26] Sadly it doesn't exist.

[53:28] I think you may have to rip it

[53:30] using some sort of...

[53:32] Rip it a new one.

[53:34] Yeah, that sounds way cooler

[53:36] than I know how to do on the internet.

[53:38] You're going to have to make like Nicole Kidman

[53:40] with her pantyhose and rip it.

[53:42] I thought it was as cool as the song

[53:44] Dream Warriors by Dokken

[53:46] based on...

[53:48] Or a John Carpenter song

[53:50] from Big Trouble Little China.

[53:52] I thought it was interesting

[53:54] that he seemed to believe

[53:56] that the marker of an important film

[53:58] is that it would get a music video

[54:00] knowing that, as you said,

[54:02] the aforementioned Dream Warriors

[54:04] were Freddie's dreaming of Dokken

[54:06] playing this awesome song

[54:08] and then he wakes up and he's like

[54:10] You could be mine from Terminator 2

[54:12] where at the end Terminator recognizes

[54:14] all the members of the band.

[54:16] Well that was a major motion picture.

[54:18] Only because Guns N' Roses did a song for it.

[54:20] Great song, great movie. I think we can all agree.

[54:22] With your bitch slap rapping

[54:24] and your cocaine tongue

[54:26] you get nothing done.

[54:28] Oh man, reading lyrics now.

[54:30] It's like poetry.

[54:32] It's like poetry set to a beat.

[54:34] So finally we have reached

[54:36] the point on our podcast

[54:38] where we talk about films that you might enjoy

[54:40] unlike the Paperboy which was a flop.

[54:42] Which you will not enjoy.

[54:44] Do not watch it.

[54:46] Stuart, do you have a recommendation for us?

[54:48] I think I have three recommendations.

[54:50] What?

[54:52] Let me guess.

[54:54] Let me guess.

[54:56] Let me see if I can guess what these are.

[54:58] No, I just want to say real quick

[55:00] if you're looking for a southern fried

[55:02] sleazy movie

[55:04] I'd recommend anything by Craig Brewer

[55:06] like Hustle and Flow

[55:08] or Black Snake Moan

[55:10] which I think we've all recommended at least once.

[55:12] But the movie I actually want to recommend

[55:14] I do want to recommend with a grain of salt

[55:16] because it's called Head of the...

[55:18] No, I'm just joking.

[55:20] Because it's called Salt.

[55:22] I just watched VHS recently

[55:24] a found footage

[55:26] horror movie anthology

[55:28] that is

[55:30] I would recommend checking out

[55:32] if you are a horror movie fan

[55:34] It's about half good I would say.

[55:36] Yeah, and I think that's part of why

[55:38] if you're a horror movie fan

[55:40] and you are interested at all

[55:42] in that type of horror movie

[55:44] I guess genre

[55:46] but I don't know if it fits.

[55:48] At this point it's become a genre.

[55:50] I'm not particularly a fan because a lot of it's like

[55:52] hey, somebody's talking into the camera

[55:54] oh no, something scary is going on in the background.

[55:56] But I think there's some good entries

[55:58] the Ty West bit is interesting

[56:00] and kind of breaks the flow

[56:02] and then the final entry

[56:04] by a group of guys

[56:06] who I don't actually remember their name

[56:08] put together, they managed to

[56:10] do some really interesting special effects stuff

[56:12] with what I'm assuming is a relatively

[56:14] small budget.

[56:16] So if you're interested in horror movies

[56:18] Netflix streaming right now

[56:20] Yeah, if you hate found footage

[56:22] movies, do not watch it.

[56:24] It will make you only more mad.

[56:26] Yeah.

[56:28] Wait, that was just two, right?

[56:30] I was recommending Hustle and Flow

[56:32] and I like Ding Dong.

[56:34] And fucking Invisible Maniac.

[56:36] Throw Castle Freak on the fire.

[56:38] Why not?

[56:40] Yeah, Ding Dong gets totally ripped off this dude's dick hole.

[56:42] I like

[56:44] I like to recommend

[56:46] off his dick hole.

[56:50] Now Stuart's left.

[56:52] First the house cat, then Stuart.

[56:54] He just dropped the mic after the word dick hole

[56:56] and left.

[56:58] I recommend a movie

[57:00] I don't know whether it actually ever got a theatrical release

[57:02] but it's available on Netflix streaming

[57:04] It's called Indie Game

[57:06] The Movie

[57:08] It's a documentary about

[57:10] three developers

[57:12] or three companies, I mean there's actually

[57:14] four developers who are working

[57:16] on independent video games

[57:18] and

[57:20] for someone like me

[57:22] who likes video games but

[57:24] kind of checked out

[57:26] post, say

[57:28] 9-11?

[57:30] The Super Nintendo

[57:32] Mario Brothers

[57:34] Oh, I'm back guys, by the way.

[57:36] Kevin, thanks for coming back.

[57:38] These independent

[57:40] game makers

[57:42] You really stop playing video games around the time they stop making

[57:44] those hoops you hit with a stick?

[57:46] The Leisure Suit Larrys kind of push came

[57:48] after those.

[57:50] After they made the Leisure Suit Larrys too realistic.

[57:52] Well, they're doing

[57:54] The point is these people are doing

[57:56] games that have very simple mechanics

[57:58] which I actually think

[58:00] for me

[58:02] makes a more enjoyable game

[58:04] I feel like even

[58:06] You don't like gameplay that's too complicated?

[58:08] Even beyond video games

[58:10] like board games, I feel like

[58:12] the classic board games that have endured

[58:14] have very simple mechanics

[58:16] but a lot of strategy involved.

[58:20] And these are games that

[58:22] harken back to

[58:24] the simple mechanics of earlier

[58:26] video games but have sort of pretensions

[58:28] towards doing something a little more artful

[58:30] and it's an interesting documentary about people

[58:32] trying to make video games outside of

[58:34] big video game companies.

[58:36] Your calls of duty.

[58:38] Not a fan.

[58:40] I guess it's your turn.

[58:42] What was it called? Indie Game the Movie?

[58:44] I'd like to recommend, I think,

[58:46] two movies. One is a movie

[58:48] you probably haven't seen and one is a movie

[58:50] you probably have seen but I'm going to ask you

[58:52] to look at it again with new eyes.

[58:54] Rip someone's eyes out.

[58:56] Put them in your face.

[58:58] Just be like the scene in Blade Runner

[59:00] when Roy Batty goes to the eye bank.

[59:02] Anyway.

[59:04] He's seen many things.

[59:06] Sea beams glittering off, etc.

[59:08] The first movie I'd like to recommend

[59:10] is called The Life of Oharu

[59:12] or the original Japanese title is

[59:14] Saikaku Ichidai Ona, Saikaku's Amorous Woman.

[59:16] This is a

[59:18] Kenji Mitsuguchi film.

[59:20] I'm sure you know him from such movies as

[59:22] Ugetsu.

[59:24] Anybody?

[59:26] Sancho the Bailiff.

[59:28] Anyway, he's one of the greats of Japanese film.

[59:30] The Life of Oharu is

[59:32] if you can imagine kind of like

[59:34] a proto-feminist

[59:36] samurai movie in a way.

[59:38] It's set in that time period.

[59:40] It's not really a samurai movie and there's no sword fighting

[59:42] or anything but about a woman who

[59:44] basically, there's no ninjas.

[59:46] Because she is

[59:48] born into a world where women have no power

[59:50] is forced

[59:52] through no fault of her own into a series

[59:54] of situations where

[59:56] kind of true love and happiness

[59:58] escapes her and she

[1:00:00] enters

[1:00:02] her own world.

[1:00:04] It's kind of like

[1:00:06] a movie.

[1:00:10] a film.

[1:00:00] to lower and lower levels of degradation until attempting to reach some kind of transcendence at the end, and it turns out to be a really beautiful movie in the end, and it's a very well-made film.

[1:00:12] Mitsuguchi's big – one of his big trademarks was long takes with very elegant camera movements, and it's just a really well put-together movie that I really liked a lot.

[1:00:23] If you haven't seen his movie Ugetsu, you should see that too. It's one of the best Japanese ghost movies ever, but this one, Life of Oharu, is also fantastic, and I highly recommend it.

[1:00:33] The movie I would say to watch with fresh eyes – I watched a little movie this Saturday that I hadn't seen in a number of years, a little thing called Stars Wars, and this is a movie that all of us nerds have, I assume, a complicated relationship with.

[1:00:46] I know I did. As a kid, I loved these movies, and I ate up the whole world and the whole universe, and it became no longer a series of movies but this mythology that I needed to master, and every new addition to it I had to judge, and each addition changed my evaluation of the entire – this entire work.

[1:01:05] I got really tired of that and really exhausted by it and all the debate over if the prequels affect the old ones and what's better and what happened to George Lucas and etc., and on a whim, basically on Saturday, I just watched my old VHS copy of Stars Wars from when they re-released it in the mid-'90s and watched it just as a movie, and it was so much fun, and it's such like a fun, enjoyable, exciting science fiction fantasy adventure.

[1:01:33] I know you guys disagree, and you say Star Wars is not fun, but it was nice to watch it from the point of view of I'm watching a movie that I like but I'm not watching it from the point of view of I know all the lines.

[1:01:46] I know what happens to all the characters later. I know their backstories. I know what the fucking Dianoga is called even though it's never named in the movie, like just watching it from the point of view of a fan of a movie just watching that movie as one movie story that just exists on its own was such a refreshing and entertaining experience to me.

[1:02:09] So I would say go back and watch Star Wars pretending that this is the only Star Wars movie and the only Star Wars thing that there is.

[1:02:40] … your personal feelings about George Lucas, any of that shit. It's no wonder that it's an enjoyable movie. At the time, it was the most successful movie in the history of movies, but it's easy to lose sight of it because there's so – it's easy to miss the forest for the trees because there are so many fucking trees that are terrible, so let's focus in on just the original.

[1:03:01] So before we sign off, I'd like to say on a personal note, the outpouring of sympathy from fans after my ACL injury has just been astounding in its non-existence.

[1:03:18] … it was so hard to walk through the apartment for all the giant flower horseshoes that weren't there, just pushing our way through all the condolence cards that weren't sent.

[1:03:32] I would like to thank Alison Abrams, who was literally the one person who contacted me on Twitter to say that she was sorry. You have won the ill-defined contest that did not exist, Alison Abrams.

[1:03:47] I don't want to call you an ungrateful bastard, but I'm glad you took this time out to admonish our fans for not rending their garments in sadness over your non-life-threatening but uncomfortable injury, for not groveling in the dirt and walking on their knees to the local shrine to pray you get through this.

[1:04:11] I'm going to be going under the knife, Elliot, under the knife in two weeks.

[1:04:14] You get to have a dead guy's zombie tendon in your knee. That's amazing.

[1:04:17] When I was jogging on a treadmill today, and I was all sweaty, and man, I was looking good, right?

[1:04:25] I was watching you from the window.

[1:04:28] You were like Matthew McConaughey in this movie, just sweaty and cut.

[1:04:31] Sweaty, cut up, and I was thinking about you, not that much, but some of the time probably.

[1:04:36] Not being able to jog and be sweaty and cut.

[1:04:38] I was listening to What Are Kids Like Nowadays.

[1:04:43] Yogurt.

[1:04:45] You were listening to yogurt.

[1:04:47] Just sloshing around in a tub.

[1:04:49] You squirted it into your ears.

[1:04:51] Dinosaur, chicken nuggets, or something, who cares?

[1:04:55] I just want to say to all our listeners who have been with us for a number of years now,

[1:05:00] who go back and re-listen to episodes, stand up for us in the AV Club comments,

[1:05:04] you should be ashamed of yourself for not stopping your life to put yourself at the service of Dan's knee.

[1:05:15] All right. Well, on that note.

[1:05:19] You are the true monsters of history.

[1:05:21] How dare you.

[1:05:23] I must have you no shame.

[1:05:25] I'd like to sign off.

[1:05:26] For a second I thought sweaty John Cusack was a monster.

[1:05:30] No, no.

[1:05:32] His murdering of two, possibly three people.

[1:05:34] For the flop house.

[1:05:36] Hails for this.

[1:05:38] Hails for this refusal to acknowledge.

[1:05:40] I thought the tearing of tons of alligator guts out of an alligator corpse was disgusting.

[1:05:45] I have been, Dan McCoy.

[1:05:47] No, but this snubbing of Dan's knee.

[1:05:49] I guess I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:05:51] I'm too disgusted to say that I'm Elliot Kaelin.

[1:05:54] Good night, everyone.

[1:05:56] Oh, man.

[1:05:59] You've horrified me, Dan.

[1:06:05] Oh, man. What's that? Fanfic? Pictures of boobs?

[1:06:09] More April O'Neil boob pictures.

[1:06:11] Hey, thumbs up to that guy.

[1:06:13] Very talented.

[1:06:14] Finally combine the two things we love most.

[1:06:16] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles supporting characters and boobs.

[1:06:19] Now if we could only see Krang with boobs.

[1:06:22] It's got to exist somewhere.

[1:06:25] Careful what you wish for.

[1:06:27] Krang with boobs?

[1:06:29] What about Bebop and Rocksteady with boobs?

[1:06:31] We all agree that's awesome.

[1:06:33] Shredder with boobs? Not so much.

[1:06:35] No, no, no.

[1:06:36] Now Krang's robot body with boobs.

[1:06:38] Now you're talking.

[1:06:39] Yeah, no shit.

[1:06:40] It would be like one of those weird Soriyama sex robot drawings.

[1:06:43] Like the Spencer robot.

[1:06:45] Spencer robot, yeah.

[1:06:47] But with a brain in dispelling.

[1:06:48] Well, Krang, yeah.

[1:06:50] Krang's a brain.

[1:06:51] He's the living brain from Dimension X.

[1:06:53] He's a Krang.

[1:06:54] He's a Krang.

The Flop House: Episode #120 - The Paperboy

Transcript

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