The Flop House: Episode #120 - The Paperboy

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we chart the continuing Nicholas Cage-ification of John Cusack with The Paperboy.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:35] What's up, Dan?

[0:36] Hey, Stuart. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:38] Yeah, and I'm Stuart. Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] Hey, I was waiting for the last name.

Stuart Wellington

[0:42] Not a different Stuart. There's only one here.

Dan McCoy

[0:44] We didn't try and sneak one in.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] No, and I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:48] What's up?

[0:48] That's it.

[0:49] Fellows.

[0:49] That's my whole name.

[0:50] You didn't have like a funny thing to do?

[0:52] A little bit?

[0:54] Some sort of...

[0:54] This thing's filed under comedy.

[0:56] I mean, you want me to really ham it up?

[0:58] Not how to.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] Well, hey, who's this over here, Elliot Kalin?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] No, that's too much.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04] See, again, that's...

[1:06] How can I satisfy you guys?

[1:07] Welcome to the Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08] I'm either going too low or I'm going too high. Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] Welcome to the Flophouse. We watch movies here.

[1:13] Welcome to the Mouse House.

[1:15] You're home for questions about mice problems.

[1:18] Let's go to some viewer mail.

[1:20] This one goes out to Dan. It says,

[1:22] Dan, I know you say that glue traps are the most humane way to kill an animal,

[1:26] but what if it's not?

[1:28] Dan, you want to reply to that?

Dan McCoy

[1:29] It's actually not the most humane way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31] That's totally different from what you said last week on the Mouse House.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] More mice are alive and they're terrified.

[1:36] But that's sad.

[1:38] It makes me think of one time that I actually had to deal with some mice and some glue traps.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] Yeah, let's not talk about sad stuff.

[1:43] Let's talk about the movie The Paperboy.

Dan McCoy

[1:45] The grossest movie ever.

[1:47] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[1:51] We watch a little film called The Paperboy.

[1:53] Little.

[1:54] Written and directed by a precious director, Lee Daniels.

Elliott Kalan

[1:59] Now, do you mean he's a precious director the way Wes Anderson can be a little too precious sometimes?

Dan McCoy

[2:04] No, I mean he directed the film.

Elliott Kalan

[2:07] Or do you mean he's been driven mad by a ring that he calls his precious?

Dan McCoy

[2:10] Precious based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Oh, yeah.

[2:14] Starring Monique.

Dan McCoy

[2:15] Mm-hmm.

[2:16] Mo apostrophe Neek.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] Yeah.

[2:20] Stands for Mormon Neek.

[2:23] So, but we didn't watch Precious based on the novel Pushed by Sapphire.

[2:27] We watched, what, The Paperboy?

[2:29] The Paperboy based on the novel The Paperboy.

[2:32] Which was in turn based on the...

[2:34] The novel Pushed by Sapphire.

[2:35] The Nintendo video game.

[2:37] Based on the Nintendo.

Elliott Kalan

[2:37] Well, here's the thing.

[2:38] The weird thing is they really took the source material in an odd direction because the video

[2:42] game Paperboy, you're a paperboy, you throw papers, you try to get them in the mailbox,

[2:46] sometimes you break a window, somebody runs out and yells at you, maybe a dog chases you.

[2:50] Yeah.

[2:50] This, they took that main character of the Paperboy and they put him into a weird lurid

[2:55] southern gothic kind of...

[2:56] This is the kind of thing I was talking about earlier, by the way.

[2:59] Yes.

[2:59] Bizarre soap opera, which I don't remember from the game.

Stuart Wellington

[3:03] No, yeah, it doesn't exist in the game.

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] It's like if they made a movie...

[3:05] It's like a junkyard.

[3:06] It's like they made a movie of Duck Hunt and it was all about how that dog that catches

[3:10] the ducks was really like owed a lot of money to the mob so he has to become a prostitute.

Stuart Wellington

[3:15] Is that why he's always giggling at you when you fuck up?

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] Yeah, yeah.

[3:18] Well, that's because he's practicing to be a geisha girl.

[3:20] To get that money back so we can escape the mob.

[3:22] He is giggling from behind a coy hand.

[3:25] Yeah, like this...

[3:26] He-he-he-he-he-he-he.

[3:29] It works.

Dan McCoy

[3:30] I mean, I really want to have sex with that dog.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] And that dog is what the Mikado was based on, I think.

[3:34] Wow.

[3:34] I didn't see the movie Topsy-Turvy, but I assume that it's all about how Gilbert and Sullivan

[3:38] were playing Duck Hunt and got the inspiration for the Mikado.

Dan McCoy

[3:43] With the Paperboy, the actual film, the Paperboy, starring Zac Efron.

[3:47] Oh, it's an all-star cast.

[3:48] Zac Efron.

[3:49] Zac Efron.

[3:50] Nicole Kidman.

[3:51] Nicole Kidman.

[3:53] The man who was bitten by a radioactive kid.

Elliott Kalan

[3:55] And now has all the powers of a child.

Dan McCoy

[3:57] Matthew McConaughey.

[3:59] And the Raven himself, John Cusack.

[4:02] Oh, he played Edgar Allan Poe.

[4:03] He didn't play the Raven.

Elliott Kalan

[4:04] And Scott Glenn, dude.

[4:05] Scott Glenn is in it.

[4:06] And also, the bad guy from Rise of the Planet of the Apes is in this.

[4:09] And Macy Gray.

[4:10] And Macy Gray is in this.

[4:12] Okay, here's a movie.

Stuart Wellington

[4:13] She's plastered all over this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] Let's just say off the bat.

[4:16] This is not a Macy Gray vehicle.

[4:18] Everyone talks with a heavy southern accent.

[4:21] You can understand maybe 30% of the dialogue in the movie.

[4:24] Macy Gray is the least understandable.

[4:26] And she's the narrator of the film.

Stuart Wellington

[4:28] Yeah, and a framing device that is kind of abandoned after the beginning.

Elliott Kalan

[4:33] Well, it starts with her being interviewed by somebody.

[4:36] And then she narrates through the movie.

[4:37] You never find out who's interviewing her.

[4:39] Her narration is basically...

[4:41] We the viewer, I guess.

[4:42] She does a lot of telling you things that the character would never know.

[4:48] And also telling you things that would be more easily told to you just through scenes where those things happen.

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] Possibly by people who don't speak with a crazy, mumbly accent.

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] Yeah.

[4:57] Okay.

[4:58] Let's just say right off the top of the bat, this is southern trash at its lowest point, let's call it.

[5:07] I mentioned to Dan near the end of the movie that this felt like something that Tennessee Williams pooped.

[5:12] Like if he pooped and it was a movie, it would be the paperboy.

Stuart Wellington

[5:16] Yeah, like an It's Alive sort of situation.

[5:19] Well, It's Alive was a baby.

[5:21] It was a poop?

[5:22] I gotta watch It's Alive again.

[5:24] Let's pause the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] You're thinking about Shit's Alive.

[5:26] Sure.

[5:27] The knockoff of It's Alive.

[5:29] I'm glad you made that joke.

Dan McCoy

[5:30] That's really good.

Elliott Kalan

[5:32] So should we try to sum up what happens in this hodgepodge mess?

Dan McCoy

[5:35] I kind of want to challenge you to synopsize this.

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] It's difficult because this is like a Dickens novel.

[5:40] There's so many characters, so many plots.

[5:42] Let's start with the beginning.

[5:43] Macy Gray is a maid slash cook for a southern family.

[5:48] Slash narrator.

[5:49] Slash narrator.

[5:50] She narrates the lies.

Dan McCoy

[5:51] She's breaking the monopoly that people with good voices have on narrating things.

[5:56] Ouch.

[5:57] You're Morgan Freemans.

[5:59] You're James Earl Jones.

[6:00] You're Werner's Herzog.

[6:02] Exactly.

[6:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] This was like, there were times during this when it was like, couldn't they have found Mickey

[6:07] Rourke to do this?

[6:09] Couldn't they have gotten the Dick Tracy villain Mumbles to narrate this?

Dan McCoy

[6:11] Couldn't they have gotten someone on the other side of a phone talking through a handkerchief

[6:15] to maybe narrate it?

Elliott Kalan

[6:16] Couldn't they get someone and stick a bunch of towels in their mouth and have them narrate it?

Dan McCoy

[6:20] Couldn't they get Eliza Doolittle from the scene where she has a bunch of marbles in her mouth?

Elliott Kalan

[6:24] Why couldn't they get like, a kid who doesn't speak English and have him talk through a trumpet?

[6:28] And then he could narrate the movie.

[6:30] So anyway, so she works for this family and she narrates the movie.

[6:35] Zac Efron plays Jack, a paper boy.

[6:38] His dad owns the newspaper in this seedy southern town.

[6:42] Let's just call the town Hicksville.

[6:43] I don't remember what it's called, but everyone there is a super redneck Hick.

[6:46] Swetsburg.

Stuart Wellington

[6:47] Mumbly Swetsburg.

[6:49] I think it's Moat County or Moats County.

Elliott Kalan

[6:51] Yeah, it is, I think, Moats County.

Stuart Wellington

[6:53] Now, this is the year's 19...

[6:54] Name for the large moat ringing the castle.

[6:56] Yeah, because...

[6:58] As the salt takes part of the action takes place in the castle.

[6:58] Because the feudal lord is inside that castle.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] It's 1969.

[7:04] A turbulent time in America.

[7:05] Especially...

[7:06] This happened in the past?

[7:08] Yes.

[7:09] Do you think everyone was just really retro in their clothes?

[7:12] Yeah, I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[7:12] I thought it was like a Wes Anderson movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] They all have black and white TVs.

[7:16] No one uses a telephone that doesn't have a wire attached to a wall.

[7:20] Hey, man.

[7:21] You're just really hip down in the south, man.

[7:23] Yeah, I thought it was cool.

[7:24] So, continue.

[7:24] So, Zac Efron, he was a swimmer in college, but he got kicked out of college for a prank

[7:30] where he drained all the water out of the pool.

[7:32] Now, he's working as a paperboy at home.

[7:34] In the sweatiest, grittiest town below the Mason-Dixon line.

[7:38] And, frankly, above the Mason-Dixon line, probably.

[7:42] His dad has a girlfriend that he doesn't like and that really doesn't enter into the movie

[7:47] ever at all.

[7:48] No.

[7:48] But she's a character.

[7:49] Now...

[7:50] She's from New York, I think.

[7:51] She mentioned she's from New York.

[7:52] And she is...

[7:53] It's one of those things where everyone in the movie is a kind of horrible southern caricature,

[7:58] but she is somehow worse than them.

[8:01] And she's the character that they can all feel is the bad guy, I guess.

[8:05] Now, Zac Efron's brother is Matthew McConaughey.

[8:07] His name's Ward.

[8:08] And he has a sidekick who's a black guy named Yardley.

[8:12] And the two of them are writers for, like, the Miami Times or something.

[8:16] I guess they're in Florida in the movie.

[8:17] This is, like, northern Florida where it's really super southern.

[8:22] Ironically, the northern half of Florida is more southern than the southern half of Florida.

[8:26] What are you going to do?

[8:27] It's Florida.

[8:27] It's a kooky state.

[8:28] Anyway, so they come to this town because a man has been thrown in jail for a murder.

[8:35] He probably...

[8:35] Not just any man.

[8:36] He probably didn't commit.

[8:37] Now, the murder was of a sheriff who they say was slashed...

[8:42] His belly was slashed open and then he walked a mile with his intestines hanging out.

[8:46] Which...

Dan McCoy

[8:46] Yeah, and we meet the sheriff...

[8:48] We don't really see that, though, by the way.

[8:49] No, we just see him lying down.

[8:50] Yeah, Macy Gray narrates it in black and white.

[8:54] And this inciting incident is given no weight in the movie.

[8:58] No, we don't know what's happening.

[8:59] We don't know anything about the sheriff.

[9:01] It's totally...

[9:01] Spoiler alert.

[9:02] His murder really remains unsolved.

Elliott Kalan

[9:04] Literally, at the end of the movie, they say, no one ever knows who killed the sheriff.

[9:07] Now, the man who is wrongly convicted is...

Dan McCoy

[9:10] No one knows who killed Sheriff McGuffin.

Elliott Kalan

[9:14] Now, so the man who supposedly committed the murder is John Cusack in his wormiest performance ever.

Stuart Wellington

[9:20] This is the performance we wanted in The Raven.

Elliott Kalan

[9:23] He is sweaty, mumbly, disgusting.

[9:27] He's just a perverted mess.

[9:28] He's a monster.

Stuart Wellington

[9:30] He's possessed by the spirit of Randy Quaid.

Elliott Kalan

[9:32] He's like, if Randy Quaid and a naked mole rat got into, like, a transporter from the fly and then switched bodies.

Dan McCoy

[9:40] And they screened Bad Lieutenant at Port of Call, New Orleans.

[9:44] They're like, I could do better.

[9:45] I could do that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:45] It does feel like John Cusack...

[9:47] It feels like everyone in this movie thought this was their chance to do a Nicolas Cage performance.

[9:51] It's like, I wouldn't be surprised if Nicolas Cage was credited in the credits as acting coach for this movie.

[9:56] Because this is an over-the-top, mumbly, crazy movie.

[9:59] Now, okay, so I skipped the fact that Nicole Kidman has started a letter-writing romance with John Cusack.

[10:06] And through his letters, she is, one, so totally sexually turned on by him that she, two, believes he's innocent.

[10:14] And she's gotten in touch with Matthew McConaughey and Yardley and brought them to the town to write an article, investigate and write an article proving John Cusack's innocence.

Stuart Wellington

[10:22] I mean, she's kind of a free spirit.

[10:25] I mean, it's not like his words have driven her mad with passion.

[10:29] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] Nicole Kidman's character is one of these, like, southern bell diva trailer trash.

[10:35] Like a nympho.

[10:35] Nympho types.

[10:36] Yeah.

[10:37] The kind that looks like a baby doll type character.

[10:39] But if it's, like, the girl from Baby Doll, like, aged 30 years.

[10:44] You know, 30 years in the future.

[10:45] And now she's got, like...

[10:47] Yeah, she's your trailer park femme fatale.

[10:49] Yeah, basically.

[10:50] Calling her trailer park femme fatale is giving that character way more credit as a rounded character than she actually is.

[10:57] But anyway, she...

[10:59] Zac Efron has a crush on her.

[11:01] He really wants to do her.

[11:03] And she is inappropriately affectionate, touchy with everybody.

[11:08] And...

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] There's a lot of scenes of them kind of, like, looking at each other, being all sweaty.

[11:12] There's a lot of scenes in this movie...

[11:13] Mumbling shit at each other.

Elliott Kalan

[11:14] Characters just, yeah, sweaty in a room, mumbling shit.

[11:16] And then the narration will say, like, then they investigated and found some clues.

[11:21] And then the next scene will be just them talking.

[11:24] And you're like, why didn't you show me them finding the clues?

Dan McCoy

[11:26] It's like the movie is deliberately narrating the important parts of the movie.

[11:31] And then showing you the boring parts of the movie that other movies cut out.

Elliott Kalan

[11:35] Most of the scenes feel like we're watching right before the cameras get turned on.

[11:40] And they're still, like, maybe rehearsing a little.

[11:42] Maybe blocking out the scene.

[11:44] Maybe talking about what they did that weekend.

[11:46] Workshopping their characters.

[11:47] Basically, yeah.

[11:47] And then it's like, as soon as they were like, okay, Lee, we're ready to start running the script pages.

[11:51] And Lee Daniels was like...

[11:52] Oh, we ran out of film.

[11:53] Oh, no, no.

[11:53] We're out of film.

[11:54] We gotta do this.

[11:56] And there's a lot of...

Stuart Wellington

[11:57] He keeps accidentally turning it off when he thinks he's turning the camera on.

[12:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] Before I get to the scene where they all go to...

[12:03] We'll fix it all in post.

[12:05] Before I get to the scene where they all go...

[12:06] What are you ruining it in post?

[12:08] Because he layers it.

[12:09] No, he adds a lot of layers.

[12:11] They go to visit John Cusack in prison.

[12:14] And John Cusack...

[12:14] Oh, this is the best scene.

[12:15] Meanwhile, four people are sitting there and John Cusack.

[12:18] John Cusack tells Nicole Kidman, okay, spread your legs open.

[12:22] Now rip open your pantyhose.

[12:24] Okay, now start touching yourself.

[12:26] And John Cusack, through his pants, masturbates himself to ejaculation.

[12:29] Well, he doesn't really touch himself.

Dan McCoy

[12:31] Like, I don't think...

[12:32] I think he just, like, the raw power of Nicole Kidman makes him cum in his pants.

[12:34] And Nicole Kidman is literally sitting there...

[12:36] I mean, I came in my pants.

[12:38] Just opening her mouth going, oh...

[12:40] Yeah, if you wanted to see a movie where you see...

[12:44] If you want to see a movie, don't watch the paperboy.

[12:47] Where you literally see Nicole Kidman's legs spread wide open and she rips open her pantyhose.

[12:53] And then she fellates the air.

Elliott Kalan

[12:55] Yeah, she fellates the...

[12:56] He says, show me what you do with your mouth, like you said in the letters.

[13:00] And yeah, she fellates the air, basically.

[13:01] And this has gone on for five minutes.

[13:03] It's been so long.

[13:03] And the other characters in the scene are supposed to be super turned on by this.

Dan McCoy

[13:08] But they all kind of just, like, seem like they're like, should we leave?

Elliott Kalan

[13:11] Their reactions...

[13:12] Kind of bored.

[13:13] Run the gamut from awkward to bored.

[13:16] But we should mention that this movie is...

[13:18] It's like Lee Daniels said, I'm going to shoot this movie like it was a trashy movie made in the late 60s.

[13:24] And so he's throwing in all these techniques like zooms and super tons of dissolves.

[13:32] And, like, a camera that doesn't look at the people who are talking.

[13:35] It's like he took, like, the worst things about Robert Altman and, like, what, Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

[13:43] I don't know.

[13:44] And threw them into a blender and then added a little bit of, you know, like some kind of, you know, 60s beach party movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:52] Well, yeah, like, I don't know.

[13:53] It reminds me of some of Vincent Gallo's worst moments, too.

[13:57] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:58] Like, you know, your low-rent blaxploitation films as well.

[14:02] There's a little bit of that.

[14:03] I mean, the whole movie...

[14:04] But it draws on all these, like...

[14:07] It draws on all these trash influences and then, like, these arty influences.

[14:11] Like, it's got this Altman side.

[14:13] It's got this Terrence Malick side.

[14:15] But...

Elliott Kalan

[14:15] It's also got this John Waters...

[14:17] Like, early John Waters aspect to it.

Dan McCoy

[14:19] Yeah, but it neither has the clarity of, like, the artists, nor does it actually have the skill of the exploitation.

[14:28] The skill or the meaning.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] Like, there's a...

[14:29] Like, the reason John Waters is doing stuff to shock and break specific boundaries.

[14:34] The reason Robert Altman is doing what he does is to create a sense of atmosphere.

[14:38] But I'm also saying that exploitation films, like, are shot better than this.

[14:42] Like, he's borrowing these techniques, but he's fucking them up.

[14:46] And he has no idea what he's doing with it.

[14:47] It's like he's just like, I'll just throw a bunch of techniques in here and it'll work.

Stuart Wellington

[14:50] And if you borrow all these techniques from all these different sources, and then he does this, and then he forgets what makes any of those things fun.

[14:57] Yeah.

[14:58] Like, he saps everything that makes it fun and interesting and just leaves a dull, like, worst elements thing for us to watch.

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] It's a movie that's somehow dull and incredibly tasteless.

[15:10] So, like...

[15:10] So they go to visit him in the jail.

[15:12] They have a hunch that there's a guy...

[15:14] I think it's John Cusack's, like, uncle or cousin who can give him an alibi for the night the sheriff was killed.

Stuart Wellington

[15:20] He seems completely uninterested in that part of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[15:22] I think, like, Cusack even, like, says it.

[15:24] And it's just like, why didn't Cusack bring up the fact that he had an alibi before?

Elliott Kalan

[15:28] Well, we're supposed to believe, I think, that he was railroaded by the courts and the police.

[15:32] That, like, it didn't matter what he said.

[15:33] He was going to get thrown in jail because he was a patsy for this murder.

[15:36] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[15:37] And he doesn't even seem to care if they find, like, solve it or not.

Elliott Kalan

[15:41] No.

[15:41] He's the worst man in the universe.

[15:42] Like, he doesn't seem to care if he gets out of jail.

Dan McCoy

[15:44] All he cares about is Nicole Kidman coming and miming sex acts into the air.

[15:50] Not wearing a dress because pants are unbecoming on a lady.

Elliott Kalan

[15:53] They go later and visit, and Nicole Kidman is wearing sparkly pants, and John Cusack yells at her for wearing pants and tells her to wear a dress whenever.

[15:59] He goes, he names about 37 different people, and he goes, you know who they are?

[16:04] And they go, no, no.

[16:05] He goes, they're prisoners.

[16:06] They wear pants.

[16:08] Everyone wears pants in here.

[16:09] If you wear pants, how am I supposed to tell you apart from the men?

[16:11] But this is after he's literally like, do you know this guy, James Smith?

[16:16] No?

[16:17] Okay.

[16:17] What about this guy Delroy Becker?

[16:20] No?

[16:21] You don't know him?

[16:21] Okay.

[16:22] Well, what about, and he just rambles off a bunch of made-up names before making this point about pants.

[16:28] But anyway, so they go to see his uncle or cousin who lives out in a shack in the middle of the swamp with his topless harem and his kids.

Stuart Wellington

[16:35] There's no way to get to it without wading through a bog.

Elliott Kalan

[16:37] They wade through a bunch of mud for about 40 hours.

Stuart Wellington

[16:42] They take a long enough break to just sit on a log and maybe talk about where's Zac Efron's relationship?

[16:48] Like, what's going on with his love life?

[16:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:50] And they find this guy who's...

Elliott Kalan

[16:51] Well, you have to realize it took them seven days to get there and to rest and pitch camp.

Dan McCoy

[16:55] They find this guy whose job appears to be disemboweling gators.

Elliott Kalan

[16:58] He has a gator hanging up.

[17:00] Well, that's the thing.

[17:01] John Cusack says, of course they found blood on my knife and on my shirts.

[17:04] That's my job.

[17:05] I'm a gator skinner.

[17:06] So they go to see his uncle who has a gator hang up.

[17:08] Believable, by the way.

Stuart Wellington

[17:09] He looks like a southern gator skinner.

[17:11] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:12] And not at all like a kind of formerly alcoholic Ace Ventura impersonator.

[17:21] Like a guy who's hanging around Hollywood Boulevard pretending to be Ace Ventura.

[17:25] So you can take pictures with him and then he goes and sleeps in a dumpster.

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] What's he doing with all his money?

Elliott Kalan

[17:32] With his riches from posing as Ace Ventura on the street.

[17:37] Does he use it to pay for pet food?

Stuart Wellington

[17:39] Because he's got to have pets.

[17:40] Sweetheart.

[17:40] He's got to have like a monkey.

Elliott Kalan

[17:41] That's the kind of detective he is.

[17:44] I want my picture taken with Ace Ventura.

[17:46] How do you even know that character?

[17:47] That movie came out ten years before you were born, sweetie.

[17:51] Anyway, they go and while he's talking to them, and even his uncle seems totally interested

[17:57] in providing an alibi, he slits open a gator's belly and pulls out about 40 tons worth of

[18:02] gook and organs.

[18:04] And this will be the first of several times that animal parts are used for no reason.

[18:08] So they find this alibi.

[18:10] They go back.

[18:12] There's a lot of filler, which includes a scene where Zac Efron and Nicole Kidman go to the

[18:16] beach and she says, you want me to blow you?

[18:19] Well, I'm not going to blow you.

[18:20] I think we should get back to the beach scene since it doesn't really connect up with the

[18:23] plot.

[18:23] I'm just going to mention what happens here so we don't forget.

[18:25] And Zac Efron goes, just to show that this is totally unrelated to the rest of the movie,

[18:29] Zac Efron goes swimming and is stung by a jellyfish.

[18:32] A shitload of jellyfishes.

[18:34] There's a thousand jellyfish in the water.

[18:35] All over his body.

[18:36] And he gets out and a bunch of girls are like, uh-oh, we're going to have to pee on the

[18:40] poison.

[18:40] And Nicole Kidman starts going, you don't piss on him.

[18:43] Get the fuck out of here.

[18:44] Get the fuck out of here.

[18:45] If anyone's going to piss on him, I'm going to piss on him.

[18:46] And very graphically, Nicole Kidman pees all over Zac Efron.

[18:51] And it's like, okay, is this supposed to be funny or sexy or disturbing?

Dan McCoy

[18:58] I feel like this needs to be addressed, but it is so off the beaten path that I kind of

[19:03] want to get through this.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] Well, then there's a front page newspaper in his dad's, his front page article in his dad's

[19:09] newspaper the next day that says, like, boy saved.

[19:11] And I think it includes in the article that he got peed on.

Dan McCoy

[19:14] Yeah, he's the laughingstock because he's been peed on from coast to coast.

Elliott Kalan

[19:18] It turns out, so, from coast to coast.

[19:21] It was the story that shocked a nation.

[19:24] Boy, peed on.

[19:26] Matthew McConaughey's partner leaves.

[19:29] He's a black guy and he doesn't like being treated badly by everyone in the South, so he

[19:32] leaves.

[19:33] And Nicole Kidman and Matthew McConaughey and Zac Efron are, I guess, investigating something,

[19:39] so they go to stay in a motel overnight.

[19:41] They go to a bar where there's like a women's singing trio in this dive bar, and Matthew McConaughey

[19:47] is making eyes with a guy across the room.

[19:50] Yeah, it turns out he's a closeted homosexual gentleman.

[19:52] He is a closeted homosexual gentleman.

[19:54] They go back to the motel.

[19:55] Zac Efron has a weird dream that involves seeing one of the guys from the bar naked, and

[20:01] then goes over to that guy's motel room to find that these two men have basically raped

[20:07] and beaten and tortured Matthew McConaughey.

Dan McCoy

[20:09] They've chained Matthew McConaughey.

[20:11] We presume raped him.

[20:12] Well, they handcuffed him.

[20:13] Raped him.

[20:13] He's nude.

[20:14] His face is all bloodied.

[20:16] He's blood everywhere.

[20:17] He's lying on a shower curtain.

[20:18] And there is a lot of Matthew McConaughey's butt and the back of his scrotum.

Elliott Kalan

[20:23] In case you wanted-

[20:24] Not the front of his scrotum, so-

[20:26] No, no, no, no, no.

[20:26] So don't worry.

[20:27] You can show this on network television in the family hour.

[20:31] But in case you wanted Matthew McConaughey to get the Eastern Promises treatment-

[20:36] I'm imagining it.

Dan McCoy

[20:38] We're dangerously close.

[20:39] I'm imagining standards and practices with a measuring tape.

[20:44] They have a caliper.

[20:44] It's like two millimeters of scrote.

[20:46] That's fine.

[20:47] I'll allow it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:48] Let's see how close we get to the diameter of the scrotum we get.

[20:52] Okay.

[20:53] That's good.

[20:54] We can show it.

[20:55] You know what?

[20:55] Put it on after-

[20:56] That's a waning scrotum.

[20:58] You know?

[20:59] Put it on right after the voice.

Dan McCoy

[21:03] That's a family-friendly scrotum there.

Elliott Kalan

[21:06] So Zac Efron breaks through a window, beats up one of the guys-

[21:11] Keeps asking, what's with the plastic sheet?

[21:14] Which is the least important question.

[21:15] And it's obvious the plastic sheet is there to keep the blood from getting on the carpet.

[21:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:19] Like, why ask that question?

[21:21] If I was going to beat up and have sex with and then cut up Matthew McConaughey-

[21:24] You put some plastic in.

[21:25] I'm putting plastic down everywhere.

[21:26] Yeah, because you don't want them to charge you for the damage you do to the room.

[21:29] No.

[21:29] I mean, I'm spending enough on Matthew McConaughey.

[21:32] Are you?

[21:33] You bought them.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] I mean, I rented them.

[21:36] On the supplies.

[21:37] They got the handcuffs.

[21:38] You got the shower curtain.

[21:39] Duct tape.

[21:40] Duct tape.

[21:40] I mean, that's not cheap.

[21:41] Like, good stuff?

[21:42] And it's a horrible scene.

[21:43] But one thing I like about it is, so it's two men who have done this to Matthew McConaughey.

[21:47] One is fully dressed, and Zac Efron is fighting him.

[21:50] The other one is just in his boxer shorts.

[21:51] And as Nicole Kidman watches, the guy in his box shorts just gets up and leaves the room

[21:55] and walks out of the motel.

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] Kind of.

[21:57] There's like a jump cut where all of a sudden he's outside of the room.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] And it's almost as if he was like, look, I'm just going to call a quiz.

[22:04] I don't need my clothes.

[22:06] And he appears outside.

[22:08] And this is a movie also, we should mention, one of the bad techniques of this is.

[22:12] There's a movie where a lot of things happen off camera.

[22:14] So, like, Macy Gray spills some iced tea on her employer, but it happens off camera.

[22:18] And then you cut back to her holding a pitcher and going like,

[22:21] oh, I'm sorry, well, just iced tea, it'll come out.

[22:24] It's like, but you heard a splash sound.

[22:26] Like, someone knocks over a glass and you just hear it smash.

[22:29] That's a leitmotif, right?

[22:31] Yeah, a leitmotif.

[22:32] It's a theme that runs out the film as things happening off screen.

Dan McCoy

[22:35] The producers rented that glass.

Elliott Kalan

[22:37] They cannot break it.

[22:39] It's like the old thing about, you can tell it's a low-budget movie

[22:42] because the car chase ends with them pulling off the road and getting out of the cars.

[22:45] They can't afford to smash the cars.

[22:48] So anyway, Matthew McConaughey's all beat up.

[22:51] I'm kind of blacked out for a little bit there.

[22:53] The movie picks up again with Matthew McConaughey out of the hospital but depressed.

[22:59] Yeah, he's drunk.

[23:01] He's half-blind.

[23:02] He's now blind in one eye.

Stuart Wellington

[23:03] While he's out, his partner, Yardley, publishes the story.

[23:07] Oh, right.

[23:08] That then...

Elliott Kalan

[23:09] Exonerates John Cusack.

[23:11] And the governor needs a call.

[23:12] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[23:13] And Yardley has an English accent.

[23:16] And Zac Efron goes to visit him.

[23:17] In an amazing scene.

[23:19] And Zac Efron goes to visit him and it's revealed he was faking the English accent to get ahead.

[23:23] And also, he let Matthew McConaughey blow him at some point.

[23:27] And that's the extent of the scene.

[23:28] Bone chilling.

[23:29] Literally.

[23:30] Because he had ice in his mouth.

[23:31] Yeah, that character dropped a bomb on us.

[23:35] And it's never mentioned again.

[23:38] And so, the article is out.

[23:41] John Cusack has left.

[23:42] And he has picked up Nicole Kidman and taken him to her...

[23:45] His swamp shack hideaway.

[23:48] Well, they don't even show that.

[23:50] To his little paradise in the bayou.

Stuart Wellington

[23:51] They show this, like, shaky shot of the bayou.

[23:55] Oh, but before that...

Elliott Kalan

[23:56] Oh, but before that, he shows up at her house and she goes,

[23:58] Oh, I was going to write you a letter.

[24:00] Because he's obviously been out of jail for a couple days.

[24:02] And he's like...

Stuart Wellington

[24:03] He got this great shirt.

[24:04] I mean, it probably took him a while to go through thrift shops.

[24:06] An amazing shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[24:07] And he decides to have sex with her right then and there.

[24:11] And it's basically a rape scene.

[24:13] And it's super...

[24:14] It starts that way.

[24:14] It's super rough.

[24:16] But just in case we were turned on by this.

[24:19] In case we were really turned on by John Cusack's pale butt pumping into Nicole Kidman while he strangles her.

[24:27] Thrusting violently.

[24:29] Like a jackhammer.

[24:30] In case we didn't realize that this is supposed to be a noxious scene.

[24:33] Lee Daniels has intercut shots of animals and then a dead possum with blood on its snout.

[24:38] Like, he really goes all out making us...

[24:40] So he amps up the sexiness is what you're saying.

[24:42] Yeah, what I'm saying is he really titillates.

[24:44] Well, then Cusack basically...

[24:45] At this point, like, I wanted to stop the movie and just scour off all of my skin.

[24:51] Because I was never going to feel clean again otherwise.

[24:53] But anyway, John Cusack takes her to his bayou bungalow.

[24:56] Yeah, caveman style.

[24:57] He hits her over the head with the...

[24:59] Drags her by the hair through the swamp.

[25:01] Which is...

Stuart Wellington

[25:01] Then he puts, what, chili on it?

[25:02] Is that what caveman style is?

[25:04] In-N-Out Burger?

[25:05] That's animal style.

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] Oh, okay.

[25:06] Caveman style is when you put rocks on the burger.

[25:09] Sounds terrible.

[25:10] It's a pterodactyl burger.

[25:11] It's also called the toothbreaker.

Dan McCoy

[25:14] But, yeah, but then, so...

[25:16] Very popular among rock biters.

[25:18] Yes.

[25:19] So Zac Efron...

[25:19] Neverending story reference.

[25:21] Zac Efron...

[25:22] They ride their scooters all over.

[25:24] Gets a letter from Nicole Kidman.

Elliott Kalan

[25:27] Nicole Kidman gives a letter to one of the bayou brides to mail.

[25:31] Then Zac Efron is at his mother...

[25:34] The wedding of his father and his father's girlfriend.

[25:36] He goes to the kitchen where Macy Gray is now working because she's been fired by his father.

[25:41] And she hands him the letter.

[25:43] As if Nicole Kidman mailed it to her.

[25:46] It doesn't make any sense why she should give it to him.

[25:49] But anyway.

Dan McCoy

[25:50] Yeah, no, that was what I was going to say.

[25:52] It comes by via the circuitous route.

[25:55] So he and his brother, Matthew McConaughey...

[25:57] With an eyepatch.

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] Who now has an eyepatch.

[25:59] Get in a boat.

[26:00] Get in a motorboat and ride it around for about 80 years.

[26:03] Like, I have expected them to show up at the bayou shack after how long the sequence was and find a spaceship there.

[26:09] And it turned out that generations had passed since they left on their epic voyage through the bayou.

[26:16] Yeah, there's a...

[26:17] Technically, I don't think it's a bayou.

[26:18] I think it's a swamp because it's the Everglades, I think.

[26:20] But I feel like a bayou is typically a New Orleans thing.

[26:22] What I think they should have filmed was the scene...

[26:24] Maybe it's a bayou.

Stuart Wellington

[26:25] They should have filmed Matthew McConaughey explaining to Lee Daniels why he insists that while riding in this motorboat, he holds Zac Efron close to his breast.

[26:35] This is a big motorboat.

Elliott Kalan

[26:36] Yeah, and Matthew McConaughey is literally holding Zac Efron tight as you would a lover as they motorboat through the swamp with...

[26:44] Maybe to build speed?

Stuart Wellington

[26:46] I don't know.

[26:48] Keep warm?

Elliott Kalan

[26:49] And Zac Efron does mention that Matthew McConaughey looks like a pirate now, which he does with his eyepatch.

[26:54] So they go to the swamp shack, which would be a great name for a down-home cooking place.

[27:00] They go to the swamp shack where it's revealed to us through just seeing her dead body sitting in a chair that John Cusick has killed Nicole Kidman.

[27:08] Yeah.

[27:09] And just left her to sit in a chair.

[27:11] And they say, bring her out.

[27:13] And John Cusick is like, she left.

[27:15] I'm going to skitchcock, I'm going to skitchcock, I'm going to go to Joe.

[27:17] Because that's what every character sounds like in this movie.

[27:19] Except for Macy Gray, who sounds like this.

Stuart Wellington

[27:23] She's got that.

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] Anyway, but there's a scene where Matthew McConaughey is...

[27:28] I'm going to cast a spell on me.

[27:29] Zac Efron's trying to snap Matthew McConaughey out of his depression.

[27:32] And he makes him get a shower.

[27:34] And Matthew McConaughey's literally in the shower just talking like this.

[27:37] Goose came down...

[27:39] Like, everyone in this movie is Boomhauer, basically.

Dan McCoy

[27:43] Yeah.

[27:44] I mean, that's the funny thing about this movie.

[27:46] Like, the movie feels like...

[27:48] Someone told Lee Janiel, it's like,

[27:50] no one can understand what's going on.

[27:52] We need to get a narrator in to explain it.

[27:53] Great, I'll get Macy Gray.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] No!

[27:56] I'll get Mumbles Talks Funny.

[27:58] I feel like...

[28:00] I know I have a Northeastern accent.

[28:02] Yeah?

[28:03] Right?

[28:03] I'm sure movies set in New York or New Jersey sound funny to people from the South.

[28:07] But at least they must sound comprehensible.

[28:09] Like, if you watch, analyze this,

[28:11] a person from the South isn't like,

[28:12] I just couldn't understand what they were saying.

Stuart Wellington

[28:14] It was just crazy.

[28:15] The studio execs are like,

[28:17] hey, what everybody loves about those early trailers of The Dark Knight,

[28:20] Dark Knight Rises,

[28:21] nobody understands this Bane character.

[28:24] What's his story?

[28:25] It adds to the mystery.

[28:26] Just do an entire movie like that.

Elliott Kalan

[28:27] But it feels at times like Lee Daniels bought a 10-pound bag

[28:30] and then put like 80 pounds of Southern in it.

[28:33] And it's just spilling over the sides that broke the bottom of the bag.

[28:37] And there's just a puddle of Southern on the ground.

[28:39] So anyway,

[28:40] they find that John Cusack has killed Nicole Kidman,

[28:43] his lady love,

[28:44] and Zac Efron's lady love.

[28:45] Oh,

[28:46] and they slept together at one point.

[28:47] In order to cheer Zac Efron up after seeing his brother raped and tortured,

[28:51] Nicole Kidman has sex with him.

[28:52] Yeah,

[28:52] she throws him a bone.

[28:54] And literally,

[28:55] and Macy Gray says,

[28:56] it feels awkward talking to you while you're watching this.

[29:00] So I think you've seen enough.

[29:01] And it cuts away from the sex scene.

Dan McCoy

[29:03] The only time this movie cuts away from anything.

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] The only time it is ever...

Dan McCoy

[29:06] Because it's supposed to be tender.

Elliott Kalan

[29:08] I guess so.

[29:09] The only time the movie has a sense of tastefulness

[29:11] is during the consensual sex scene.

[29:14] The one in the movie.

[29:15] So anyway,

[29:16] and there's a brief machete versus axe fight

[29:20] between John Cusack holding the machete

[29:22] and Matthew McConaughey holding the axe.

[29:23] Not as exciting as it sounds.

[29:24] John Cusack has a real advantage

[29:26] because he has depth perception.

[29:27] And Matthew McConaughey has missing an eye.

Stuart Wellington

[29:29] He's missing an eye,

[29:30] but is in much better shape than an old John Cusack.

[29:33] Yes,

Elliott Kalan

[29:33] but still John Cusack manages to defeat him.

[29:35] Covered in gator grease maybe.

[29:37] Yeah,

[29:38] and slits Matthew McConaughey's throat

[29:40] with the machete killing him.

Dan McCoy

[29:42] Yeah.

[29:43] Zach Efron...

[29:43] So you're keeping score

[29:44] of the main characters.

[29:46] We've got Zach Efron alive

[29:48] and John Cusack alive.

[29:49] And then I guess Yardley's off someplace,

[29:51] but who cares about him?

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] And Zach Efron runs into the swamp

[29:54] again.

[29:54] There's a long sequence of him

[29:55] just running through the swamp.

[29:56] John Cusack looking for him

[29:58] for an entire night.

[30:00] And then Zach Efron escaping.

Dan McCoy

[30:01] Zach Efron is swimming

[30:02] and that's how he escapes.

[30:04] And they...

[30:05] Because Lee Daniels puts in

[30:06] a bunch of flashbacks

[30:07] to the beginning of the film

[30:08] where we saw that

[30:09] Zach Efron was a swimmer.

Elliott Kalan

[30:10] And knows how to swim.

[30:11] Because we needed...

[30:12] So that explains it.

[30:13] So that the audience

[30:13] can go,

[30:14] oh,

[30:15] the swimming,

[30:16] of course.

Stuart Wellington

[30:17] Having watched many movies

[30:19] where a young person

[30:21] has to run away

[30:22] from a crazy sweaty person

[30:23] in a swamp,

[30:25] I guess,

[30:25] this movie seems to have

[30:27] no real interest

[30:28] in making that

[30:29] actually tense.

[30:30] No,

[30:31] there's no tension

Elliott Kalan

[30:31] or suspense

[30:32] in the whole movie.

[30:33] And then at the end

[30:34] of the movie,

[30:34] Macy Gray wraps it up.

[30:35] There's a narration

[30:36] that says

[30:36] that John Cusack's character

[30:39] was found guilty

[30:40] and given the electric chair

[30:41] and they never found out

[30:42] who killed the sheriff.

[30:43] Zach Efron's character

[30:44] became a writer

[30:45] of some renown

[30:46] and he never got over

[30:47] his first love.

Dan McCoy

[30:49] So this...

[30:50] The plot of this movie...

[30:51] Swimming, probably.

[30:52] Literally sounds like a...

[30:53] Yeah, it's just swimming.

[30:54] Literally sounds like

[30:54] a fever dream.

[30:55] Like if you were feverish

[30:56] and you're like...

[30:58] You had a dream

[30:59] and you're like,

[30:59] oh,

[30:59] that'd make a great...

[31:00] That'd make a great screenplay.

[31:02] Then you wake up

[31:02] and you start thinking about it

[31:03] and like...

[31:03] You're giving this movie

[31:04] too much credit, Dan.

[31:05] Yeah.

[31:05] That doesn't...

Stuart Wellington

[31:06] So we spent a long time...

[31:07] It feels like an adult swim show

[31:08] at times.

[31:09] We spent a long time

[31:10] summarizing this movie

[31:11] and...

Elliott Kalan

[31:12] Because there's so much plot in it.

[31:14] And we...

[31:14] There's so much plot

[31:15] and yet so little happens

[31:16] on screen.

[31:17] Sorry you were saying, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[31:18] But we spent all this time

[31:19] and yet I don't think

[31:20] we communicated exactly

[31:21] how ridiculously dull

[31:23] this movie is.

Elliott Kalan

[31:24] Yeah, it's very...

[31:25] It is both...

Stuart Wellington

[31:25] How boring.

Elliott Kalan

[31:26] It manages...

[31:27] And it's kind of amazing

[31:28] it manages to be

[31:28] so tawdry

[31:29] and disgusting

[31:31] and sleazy

[31:31] and super boring.

[31:33] And super...

[31:34] Nothing happening on screen.

[31:36] Characters just kind of

[31:36] sitting there

[31:37] mumbling at each other

[31:38] and scenes that don't

[31:40] go anywhere

[31:41] that there's no purpose

[31:42] for them

[31:43] and then a narrator

[31:43] coming in and telling you

[31:44] about something

[31:45] much more interesting

[31:46] that happened

[31:46] somewhere or somewhere else.

[31:48] So and so

Stuart Wellington

[31:49] found all the clues.

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] Like, I wouldn't have

[31:51] been surprised

[31:52] if there's this scene

[31:52] of Zac Efron

[31:53] sitting in his underwear

[31:54] on his bed

[31:54] reading a magazine

[31:56] to himself

[31:56] and then the narrator

[31:57] was like,

[31:59] Meanwhile,

[32:00] the barbarians

[32:01] invaded from the north.

[32:03] They were fought back

[32:04] but many died.

[32:05] The atom bomb

[32:06] was dropped on New York

[32:07] and man was forced

[32:08] to rediscover science.

[32:09] And then Zac Efron

[32:10] in the next scene

[32:10] and Nicole Fikin

[32:11] were just sitting

[32:11] in the front seats

[32:12] of a car

[32:12] like listening to the radio.

Dan McCoy

[32:13] Yeah, this movie

[32:14] is like five shocking scenes

[32:16] each of which

[32:17] are maybe five minutes long

[32:19] buffered by long scenes

[32:21] of mumbling.

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] In our 20 minutes

[32:22] of mumbling

[32:23] and walking around

[32:24] sometimes driving around.

[32:27] I mean,

[32:27] to get back to...

[32:28] I'm starting to think

[32:29] that Lee Daniels

[32:29] might not be a great director.

[32:32] Well, I mean,

[32:33] here's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] Well, don't come to

[32:34] such harsh judgment

[32:35] so fast.

[32:36] Look, as long as

[32:37] Shadow Boxer

[32:38] is in his credits,

[32:39] I can't...

[32:39] Look at the performance

[32:40] he got out of Macy Gray.

[32:42] I mean,

[32:42] that is what I'm looking at.

Dan McCoy

[32:44] I mean,

[32:44] she really seemed like

[32:45] she was, you know,

[32:47] some sort of

[32:47] drugged up crazy person.

[32:49] That's what he was going for, right?

[32:50] I mean,

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] he made John Cusack

[32:51] way crazier

[32:52] than he was in The Raven

[32:53] as I've mentioned already.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] That's true.

[32:56] He did give everyone

[32:57] the chance to indulge

[32:58] their inner cage

[32:58] and Nicole Kidman,

[33:00] I think,

[33:00] does the best at this

[33:01] just doing a very

[33:02] not her usual

[33:03] type of character performance

[33:04] and she got a lot of praise

[33:06] for her performance

[33:06] but it's still like

[33:07] it's so unbelievable.

[33:09] Like,

[33:10] it feels like she's playing

[33:11] a cartoon character.

Dan McCoy

[33:12] Yeah, well,

[33:12] this movie got...

[33:13] I was,

[33:14] you know,

[33:14] I think both of us

[33:15] were looking at Wikipedia

[33:16] while watching it

[33:16] just to try and figure out

[33:17] what the fuck was going on

[33:18] because I can't overstate

[33:20] what we've said before

[33:21] about how it's impossible

[33:23] it is to understand

[33:23] half of what's being said.

Elliott Kalan

[33:25] one of the rare movies

[33:26] that's in English

[33:26] but it needs subtitles.

Dan McCoy

[33:27] But we were looking at it

[33:29] and this movie got nominated

[33:31] for a tremendous number

[33:32] of awards actually.

[33:33] Mostly acting awards

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] but it was also nominated

[33:35] for the Palme d'Or

[33:36] at the Cannes Film Festival.

[33:37] Oh, it probably won, right?

[33:38] Because it was amazing.

[33:39] It did not win.

[33:40] Okay.

[33:40] I think it's one of these

[33:41] I think Amor won.

[33:43] Where just because...

[33:44] Oh, that's bullshit.

Dan McCoy

[33:45] ...Lee Daniels...

[33:45] Haneke.

[33:46] Haneke.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] He's not half the director

[33:48] as Lee Daniels is.

Dan McCoy

[33:50] But that's the thing.

[33:51] I think that because

[33:52] Precious was a

[33:54] critically acclaimed film

[33:56] people all of a sudden

[33:57] are like...

[33:57] Precious.

[33:59] Based on the novel

[33:59] Push by Sapphire.

[34:01] Yeah.

[34:02] But I think the critics

[34:03] assumed like...

[34:05] Oh, we have to pay attention

[34:06] to this guy

[34:07] and treat him with respect.

Elliott Kalan

[34:08] Well, now he's a talent

[34:09] and a mover.

[34:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:11] Even though this is

[34:13] maybe the most incompetent movie

[34:15] we've watched.

Elliott Kalan

[34:15] I think it was only because

[34:16] of Precious I assume

[34:17] that he got

[34:18] the level of actors

[34:20] for this that he did.

[34:21] The level of stars

[34:22] for a story

[34:23] and a movie that are

[34:24] meticulously like

[34:26] boring grotesque

[34:27] in the IMDb trivia

[34:28] so take it with a grain of salt

[34:30] it says that Pedro Amadovar

[34:32] considered making this

[34:33] his English language debut

[34:35] and you can see in your head

[34:37] kind of like...

Stuart Wellington

[34:38] That would be a great Amadovar film.

Elliott Kalan

[34:40] It would have been

[34:40] at least...

[34:41] At the very least

[34:41] there would have been

[34:42] good interesting scenes

[34:43] in it probably

[34:43] but it seems much more...

[34:45] This is the kind of material

[34:45] that in the hands

[34:46] of someone like that

[34:47] might have turned out good

[34:49] maybe

[34:49] but still it would have been iffy.

[34:51] You know.

[34:51] But like Lee Daniels

[34:53] doesn't seem to be

[34:53] the right guy for it.

Dan McCoy

[34:54] I mean obviously

[34:55] this movie was trying

[34:56] to be provocative.

[34:57] It's not like

[34:58] we don't understand

[34:59] that this movie

[35:00] is supposed to be

[35:01] this overheated

[35:02] southern gothic

[35:03] trash.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:05] I mean at least

[35:06] if it was...

[35:07] But it doesn't work

[35:08] even on that level.

Stuart Wellington

[35:09] At least if it was

[35:10] an Amadovar movie

[35:11] there would have

[35:12] theoretically been

[35:13] subtitles

[35:14] so I could have followed it.

Dan McCoy

[35:16] I'd like to postulate

[35:17] a theory

[35:17] going back to

[35:19] the urine scene.

[35:20] Okay.

[35:20] The scene that I was in?

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] I feel like...

[35:23] You said you're in the scene.

Stuart Wellington

[35:25] No I got the joke.

[35:26] That's good stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[35:29] Just want to make sure

[35:30] that Stuart got it.

[35:30] Knew it was a bit.

[35:31] And that I wasn't

[35:32] in the movie

[35:32] The Paperboy.

[35:33] I had that blank look

[35:34] on my face.

[35:34] I was thinking about it.

[35:36] Takes me a minute.

Dan McCoy

[35:37] I feel like we didn't

[35:37] explore it fully

[35:39] because I wouldn't let us.

[35:41] But you're in scene.

Stuart Wellington

[35:42] Yeah you literally said

[35:43] let's not talk about it.

Dan McCoy

[35:44] Well because it is so

Stuart Wellington

[35:45] Dan's got a joke.

[35:46] Fucking chill out.

[35:47] Let's listen to it.

Dan McCoy

[35:48] No it's not a joke.

[35:49] It is so disconnected

[35:50] from the plot of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[35:51] You're saying it could have been

[35:52] an award winning short film.

Dan McCoy

[35:54] I kind of wonder.

[35:56] I would like to postulate

[35:56] the thought that

[35:57] Lee Daniels just has a thing

[35:59] for the idea of

[36:00] Zac Efron being peed on.

[36:02] And so he made this whole movie

[36:03] as a beard

[36:04] so he could put that scene

[36:06] in a film.

[36:06] It's possible.

Elliott Kalan

[36:07] I mean there's also

[36:07] a lot of scenes of Zac Efron

[36:08] just in underpants.

[36:09] Yeah.

[36:10] Walking around with no clothes on.

Stuart Wellington

[36:11] I would agree with you

[36:12] if this movie wasn't

[36:13] so over directed.

Elliott Kalan

[36:15] Yeah that's true.

[36:15] If it looked like

[36:16] he didn't care about

[36:17] the other scenes

[36:18] but he piles so much effort

[36:20] into the other

[36:21] into just the techniques

[36:23] he throws in.

Stuart Wellington

[36:23] Unless he's just like

[36:24] fiddling around

[36:25] on his computer

[36:25] fucking editing program.

[36:27] Just like

[36:28] oh let's do this weird dissolve.

[36:30] Oh let's do it

[36:30] four more times.

[36:31] Hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] Oh let's split screen.

[36:34] Let's do split screens.

[36:35] Let's do five split screens

[36:36] of the same person

[36:37] just spinning around.

[36:39] Because I had such a

[36:40] I didn't know you could do this.

Stuart Wellington

[36:41] People don't want to

[36:42] watch five scenes in a row

[36:43] of people just staring

[36:44] at each other.

[36:45] Let's make this one split screen.

[36:46] Like it is amazing

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] that there were no star wipes

[36:48] Venetian blinds wipes.

[36:50] I think those are called

[36:51] slat wipes.

[36:52] There wasn't a point

[36:53] where the film just polarized

[36:55] for no reason.

Stuart Wellington

[36:56] The screensaver comes on

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] and like lasers appear.

[37:00] Like the screen burns away

[37:02] to get to the next scene.

Dan McCoy

[37:04] It's got that like

[37:04] really digitized look

[37:06] like an 80s music video

[37:07] all of a sudden.

Elliott Kalan

[37:08] Yeah.

[37:08] It just turns into

[37:10] an aha video.

[37:11] There's just animation.

[37:13] I mean he didn't.

[37:13] Too expensive.

[37:14] I'm kind of surprised

[37:15] at this point

[37:15] that he didn't use

[37:16] an iris in or iris out

[37:17] at any point in the movie.

[37:18] He seemed to be

[37:19] like it felt like

[37:20] he wanted to play around

[37:21] with 60s and 70s movie

[37:23] techniques and tropes.

[37:26] But in the way

[37:26] like you're saying

[37:27] like someone

[37:27] who just got an editing program

[37:29] and can do everything

[37:30] with the touch of one button.

[37:31] So it's like

Stuart Wellington

[37:31] yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[37:34] Put them all in.

Elliott Kalan

[37:35] It's like Homer

[37:36] with the making the video

[37:37] about Ned

[37:38] and Star Wipe

[37:39] and Star Wipe

[37:40] and Lisa says

[37:41] they don't all have to be Star Wipes

[37:43] and he goes

[37:43] why eat hamburger

[37:43] when you can have steak?

[37:45] That's what it feels like

[37:46] Lee Daniels is saying

[37:47] all the time.

[37:48] But the peeing scene

[37:50] is really overwrought.

[37:51] It has nothing to do

[37:52] with the rest of the movie.

[37:53] It's crazy.

[37:54] Unless they're trying

[37:54] maybe he's trying to say

[37:55] that Nicole Kidman

[37:56] is saving him in some way

[37:58] by peeing him

[37:59] or that is degrading him

[38:01] but he's getting something from it.

[38:03] I don't know

[38:03] what the meaning

[38:04] of that scene is.

Stuart Wellington

[38:05] what the meaning

[38:05] of this whole movie is.

[38:06] The meaning of those movies

[38:07] don't go to the south

[38:08] ever.

[38:08] And that scene is so

[38:09] it's so unfocused

[38:12] like there's so many

[38:13] like he'll jump in the ocean.

[38:14] Literally it's out of focus.

[38:14] Yeah like most of the shots

[38:15] are out of focus

[38:16] as soon as he starts getting

[38:17] I guess like zapped.

[38:20] Am I allowed to say that?

[38:21] Zapped?

[38:22] Zapped?

[38:23] I don't know why you

[38:23] wouldn't be allowed to say it.

[38:25] Zapped too.

[38:26] He's getting zapped again.

[38:27] So he's getting zapped

[38:28] by these fucking jellyfishes.

[38:30] Zapped.

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] He's really getting zanged.

[38:34] Jellyfish.

Stuart Wellington

[38:35] Then it keeps cutting to like

[38:36] fuzzy out of focus shots

[38:38] of him

[38:39] and then like

[38:39] people like

[38:40] teenagers on the beach.

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] And the teenagers on the beach

[38:42] like the colors

[38:43] are all blown out.

[38:44] Like it feels like

[38:45] what Oliver Stone does

[38:46] in these movies a lot of times.

[38:46] Three teenagers on the beach

Dan McCoy

[38:47] three lady teenagers

[38:48] who by the way

[38:49] you know

[38:50] would love to pee on

[38:51] Zac Efron.

[38:52] They're fighting over

Elliott Kalan

[38:53] They're right about to pee on him.

[38:54] Who wouldn't want to pee on him?

[38:55] He's a hunk.

[38:56] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[38:56] And then Nicole Kidman

[38:57] fights them off

[38:58] for the right to pee on him.

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] Is that Zac Efron

[39:00] from Orson and Me?

[39:01] Oh I definitely want

[39:02] to pee on him.

Dan McCoy

[39:05] That's his number one credit

[39:06] right?

[39:06] He's in Tiger Beat.

[39:07] Ten guys we'd love to pee on.

[39:13] I think we gotta

Elliott Kalan

[39:14] win a date

[39:15] to pee on Zac Efron.

[39:17] Mad about Mads.

[39:20] Also there's a cover story

[39:21] on Mads Mikkelsen.

[39:22] Who wouldn't want to be

[39:24] on that guy?

[39:24] That's why it's mad

Stuart Wellington

[39:24] about Mads.

[39:26] He can have a supporting piece.

Dan McCoy

[39:28] Teenage girls love

[39:30] Mads Mikkelsen.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] Oh who wouldn't?

[39:31] Come on.

[39:32] Ever since his show

[39:33] Mads About You

[39:34] with Helen Hunt?

Dan McCoy

[39:35] We really need to.

[39:36] Helen Hunt.

[39:37] So this movie is

Elliott Kalan

[39:39] it is an over directed

[39:41] but under movied movie.

[39:43] And it's

[39:43] yeah

[39:44] it's like the kind of thing

[39:46] that there's a lot

[39:46] of the feeling of what

[39:47] like Oliver Stone

[39:48] or like Rob Zombie does.

[39:51] I feel like where they

[39:51] throw in a lot of effects

[39:53] or techniques

[39:53] or Danny Boyle

[39:54] but with none of the skill

[39:57] that even those guys

[39:58] bring to it.

[39:59] And all that stuff

[39:59] I mean I'm not a huge fan

[40:01] of most of them.

[40:02] I think all that stuff

[40:03] Danny Boyle's some okay stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[40:04] Danny Boyle.

[40:04] It all distracts from

[40:06] just the fact that

[40:06] most of the characters

[40:08] don't even seem to care

[40:10] about the focus

[40:10] of the first half

[40:11] of the movie

[40:12] which is like

[40:12] clearing this guy

[40:14] getting this weird criminal

[40:15] out.

[40:16] It focuses more on

[40:17] I guess Zac Efron

[40:18] being in underpants.

[40:20] He is not a smooth

[40:21] criminal.

[40:21] He looks like

[40:22] Randy fucking Quaid.

[40:24] He's the least

[40:25] he's the bumpiest criminal.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] They

[40:27] they

[40:28] it's

[40:29] I guess the focus

[40:29] originally is supposed

[40:30] to be on Zac Efron's

[40:31] crush on Nicole Kidman

[40:33] but it's so tawdry

[40:35] and gross from the beginning

[40:36] like it feels like

[40:36] it should be Zac Efron

[40:37] seeing this woman

[40:39] and

[40:39] falling in love with her

[40:41] and then finding out

[40:41] how fucked up she is

[40:43] and him getting dragged

[40:44] into this morass

[40:45] but everybody's already

[40:46] screwed up and crazy

[40:48] from the beginning

[40:49] you know.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] You keep blocking me

[40:51] from moving the podcast

[40:52] along

[40:52] and

[40:53] but let's talk about

[40:54] this peeing scene again.

[40:55] We gotta get to

Stuart Wellington

[40:56] what was with all the scars

[40:57] on Matthew McConaughey's face?

Dan McCoy

[40:59] Our final judgment.

Stuart Wellington

[41:00] Why would you mess up

[41:00] that punham?

[41:01] Whether this is a good

[41:02] bad movie.

[41:03] That's Shayna punham.

Dan McCoy

[41:04] A bad bad movie

[41:05] or a movie you kind of liked.

[41:06] Elliot what do you think?

Elliott Kalan

[41:07] I would call this

[41:08] a bad bad movie.

[41:09] Spoiler alert.

[41:10] I wish like

[41:12] I went into this hoping

[41:13] that it was going to turn out

[41:14] to be a good bad movie.

[41:15] I had heard how crazy

[41:16] and ridiculous it was

[41:17] and yeah

[41:17] I knew there was a scene

[41:18] where Nicole Kidman

[41:19] peed on Zac Efron

[41:20] going into it

[41:21] but it's so

[41:22] both boring

[41:23] and

[41:24] like gross.

[41:26] Just that scene

[41:27] with John Cusack

[41:28] having sex with Nicole Kidman

[41:29] is so icky

[41:30] and everything else

[41:32] is so boring

[41:33] that I would just say

[41:34] go on YouTube

[41:35] go on the YouTube

[41:35] and watch Nicole Kidman

[41:37] peeing on Zac Efron.

[41:38] That's all you're going to want to see.

[41:39] Yeah I got you know

[41:40] Go on P-Tube.

Dan McCoy

[41:41] I'll go with you here.

[41:42] This movie

[41:43] is so crazy

[41:44] that I wish

[41:45] I could recommend it

[41:46] because you're never

[41:47] going to see a movie

[41:48] like this.

Elliott Kalan

[41:49] like Southland Tales

[41:50] is crazy like this

[41:51] but not tawdry like this.

Dan McCoy

[41:53] You're not going to

[41:54] want to watch it.

[41:55] You're not going to enjoy it.

[41:56] It's an experience

[41:57] like none other

[41:58] but it's not

[41:59] worth your time

[42:00] at the same time.

[42:00] In the same way that like

Elliott Kalan

[42:01] I assume getting like

[42:03] all the hair on your body

[42:05] and head

[42:06] and the inside of your body

[42:07] waxed

[42:08] would be an experience

[42:09] but not something

[42:10] not so pleasant.

[42:11] Yeah it's like

Stuart Wellington

[42:11] it's like trying to drink

[42:12] a gallon of milk

[42:13] in an hour.

[42:14] You can't do it man.

[42:14] It's like the

[42:15] cinnamon test.

[42:16] You want to try to.

[42:16] It's like the cinnamon experiment

[42:18] whatever it is.

[42:19] No I'm with you guys.

[42:20] Like it's a

[42:22] it's a simple stupid movie

[42:24] and it can't even be fun

[42:26] because there's so much

[42:28] bullshit and so many

[42:29] different effects being used.

[42:31] Yeah.

[42:31] So over directed.

Elliott Kalan

[42:32] I'm just disappointed also

[42:33] that Lee Daniels' dad

[42:34] Anthony Daniels

[42:35] wasn't in it

[42:36] reprising his role

[42:36] as C-3PO.

Dan McCoy

[42:38] All right.

[42:38] Enough of that.

[42:39] So moving on

[42:41] to the next segment

[42:42] the Flophouse movie

[42:44] mailbag.

[42:44] The next segment

Elliott Kalan

[42:45] of this podcast centipede.

[42:48] Let's wash out the taste

[42:50] of the paper boy

[42:51] with letters.

[42:52] Let's get some letters

[42:53] to the editors

[42:54] editor letters

[42:56] letters to the editors

[42:58] of Flophouse

[42:58] please never make me

[42:59] watch the paper boy again.

[43:00] It's called the paper boy

Stuart Wellington

[43:01] because that's what

[43:02] John Cusack

[43:03] shouts out before

[43:04] chasing after him

[43:05] wild hair.

[43:06] That was wild paper boy.

[43:08] Yeah.

[43:09] He's like

Dan McCoy

[43:09] paper boy

[43:11] you play a good game

[43:12] paper boy

[43:12] you play a good

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] paper game

[43:14] paper boy

[43:15] but now you die

[43:16] but now you paper die

[43:17] so

[43:19] how much better

[43:21] would it have been

[43:21] if Angus Scrimm

[43:22] had played every part

Stuart Wellington

[43:24] so if Angus Scrimm

[43:25] getting bitten by a jellyfish

Elliott Kalan

[43:26] and then Angus Scrimm

[43:27] peeing on him

Dan McCoy

[43:28] this email is titled

[43:29] Jason Voorhees questions

Elliott Kalan

[43:31] oh okay

[43:32] so wait

[43:33] I'm listening

[43:33] he knows that Jason Voorhees

[43:35] isn't a host

[43:36] he's not going to answer

[43:37] these questions right

Dan McCoy

[43:38] this is from

[43:39] Mr. Allen

[43:40] last name

[43:40] Woody Allen

[43:41] he says

[43:42] hello sirs

[43:43] I recently discovered

[43:44] the Flophouse podcast

[43:45] and has since become

[43:46] one of my favorite

[43:47] bad movie podcasts

[43:48] which

[43:48] thanks Allen

[43:49] for whatever reason

[43:50] is about 85%

[43:51] of all podcasts

[43:52] apparently but thanks Allen

[43:53] that's true

[43:53] but I recommend it

[43:55] to most people I know

[43:57] but since no one

[43:57] listens to podcasts

[43:58] this does nothing

[43:59] well thanks I guess Allen

[44:01] after listening to the

[44:02] roommate episode

[44:03] I learned that Stu

[44:04] is a Friday the 13th fan

[44:06] I've wanted to meet

[44:07] a Friday the 13th expert

[44:09] for some time

[44:09] because I have vexing

[44:10] questions about Jason Voorhees

[44:11] wow you were promoted

[44:11] from fan to expert

[44:12] within two sentences

[44:13] the most vaguely defined

[44:15] villains

[44:16] I haven't bothered

[44:18] to sit through

[44:18] an entire movie

[44:19] I tried last week

[44:20] during the AMC marathon

[44:21] but I've got a hunch

[44:23] so he thinks Jason

[44:24] actually dies

[44:24] at the end of the movie

[44:25] I have a hunch

[44:26] that even if I did

[44:27] watch the entire series

[44:28] he thinks he's a mad

Stuart Wellington

[44:28] goalie or something

Dan McCoy

[44:29] I still wouldn't

[44:31] find answers

[44:32] so Mr. Wellington

[44:34] and there are five

[44:34] questions

[44:35] so prepare your shit

[44:36] or beef

[44:36] if I may call you that

[44:37] number one

[44:38] if Jason died

[44:39] as a young boy

[44:40] why is he a grown man

[44:41] in the series

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] it's called

[44:43] suspension of disbelief

[44:44] Stuart what do you say

Stuart Wellington

[44:46] well yeah

[44:47] he doesn't really

[44:47] he's like a weird zombie kid

[44:49] he didn't really die

[44:50] because he shows up

[44:51] and he drags that chick

[44:51] under the water

[44:52] and then he shows up

[44:53] later as a grown man

[44:54] with a bag on his head

Dan McCoy

[44:55] but then as a zombie

[44:55] like apparently a zombie

[44:56] who ages

Elliott Kalan

[44:57] well I'm gonna

[44:58] step in here

[45:00] and say magic

Stuart Wellington

[45:00] yeah

[45:01] I mean he basically

[45:03] becomes a death elemental

[45:04] later in the series

[45:05] spoiler alert

Elliott Kalan

[45:06] also there's some

[45:07] question as to

[45:08] whether the Jason

[45:08] at the end of the first one

[45:09] is real

[45:10] or a fantasy

[45:11] or a dream

Stuart Wellington

[45:11] yeah

[45:12] I'll agree with Elliot

[45:14] on that

[45:15] yeah

[45:15] I'll allow the end

[45:16] of Carrie

[45:17] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[45:17] like at the end

[45:18] of Carrie

[45:19] Carrie doesn't really

[45:20] stick your hand out

[45:21] or the end of

Stuart Wellington

[45:21] I Know Who Killed Me

[45:22] no that's not a dream

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] it's a story she wrote

[45:24] and it's the alternate ending

[45:25] alright well number two

[45:27] or like the end

[45:28] of Schindler's List

[45:28] when it turns out

[45:29] the Holocaust was a dream

[45:30] okay

[45:30] Schindler's List is my go-to

[45:31] for these jokes too often

[45:33] I gotta stop that

Dan McCoy

[45:34] Holocaust dream denier

[45:35] over here

[45:36] number two

[45:36] why is his face

[45:38] disfigured besides

[45:39] constantly dying and

[45:40] rotting for several years

[45:41] before being brought

[45:41] back to life

Stuart Wellington

[45:42] I mean I think that's

[45:43] covered like he was a

[45:45] I mean I don't want to

[45:46] use the word like

[45:48] he did like a retard

[45:49] or something like

[45:50] wow come on

[45:51] this was a setup

[45:53] it was a setup

Elliott Kalan

[45:54] but like

[45:54] he was framed

[45:55] entrapment

[45:56] entrapment

[45:57] that's the word

Stuart Wellington

[45:58] police use

[45:59] he was born with a

[45:59] deformity and

[46:00] that was part of why

[46:02] like all the kids

[46:03] made fun of him

[46:03] and

[46:04] that's why nobody gave a

[46:05] shit when he

[46:06] swam by himself

[46:07] he had to swim by himself

[46:08] he didn't have friends

Dan McCoy

[46:08] okay number three

[46:09] does he have

[46:10] that's why he kills

[46:11] teenagers

[46:11] does he have superpowers

[46:12] or are you just

[46:13] naturally otherworldly

[46:14] strong and regenerative

[46:15] if so how did he get

[46:16] them

Stuart Wellington

[46:16] okay first off in the

[46:17] second movie when he

[46:19] runs around with a bag

[46:20] on his head he learns

[46:21] the skill on how to

[46:22] teleport from the

[46:23] boyfriend of the

[46:24] heroine of course

[46:25] after that point now

[46:26] that he can teleport

[46:27] wherever he wants

[46:27] he's fucking amazing

[46:29] right because he can

[46:30] just show up whatever

[46:30] he wants and murders

[46:31] people he watches

[46:33] this guy how to do

[46:33] it he just he absorbs

[46:34] it it's like counting

[46:36] coup because he kills

[46:37] him later on

[46:38] counting coup

[46:39] yeah it's that thing

[46:40] that uh like uh

[46:41] the Native American

[46:42] belief where if you

[46:43] kill somebody you

[46:43] take their spirit

[46:44] oh I didn't know

Dan McCoy

[46:45] that number four

[46:45] why does electricity

[46:46] running through his

[46:47] corpse keep bringing

[46:47] him back to life

[46:48] or is it that

Stuart Wellington

[46:49] you haven't seen

[46:50] Ernest Goes to Jail

[46:51] I think

Elliott Kalan

[46:52] all right fair enough

[46:55] I think that answers

[46:56] that yeah

[46:56] number five

[46:58] nothing explains the

[46:59] the relationship

[47:00] between the human

[47:01] body and electricity

[47:01] better than Ernest

[47:02] Goes to Jail

[47:03] turns into a magnet

[47:04] and you can fly and

[47:05] blow things up

Dan McCoy

[47:06] why does Jason want

[47:07] to murder everyone

[47:08] is it revenge or

[47:09] just a general hatred

[47:10] of other people

[47:11] and if he did manage

[47:12] to kill everyone

[47:12] at Crystal Lake

[47:13] would he be satisfied

[47:14] or would he just

[47:14] expand his kill zone

[47:16] considering he took

[47:16] Manhattan

[47:17] would he quit the

[47:18] slasher game and

[47:18] move on with his life

Stuart Wellington

[47:19] uh I think these are

[47:21] questions that every

[47:22] J fan has to answer

[47:23] for themselves

[47:23] uh they I mean

[47:26] part of it is that

[47:26] they leave a lot of

[47:27] that open-ended

[47:28] yeah

[47:28] and I think

[47:29] intentionally

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] in a way Jason

[47:30] stands in for

[47:31] whatever you're most

[47:32] afraid of

Stuart Wellington

[47:33] he's like a mirror

[47:33] especially if you're

[47:34] most afraid of a

[47:35] retarded zombie in a

[47:36] hockey mask

[47:37] for your own dark

[47:38] desires

[47:38] for your dark

[47:40] passenger

Elliott Kalan

[47:41] that should be the

[47:42] quote on every

[47:43] Friday the 13th

[47:44] box

[47:44] a mirror for your

[47:45] own dark desires

[47:46] Stuart Wellington

[47:47] the plop house

[47:47] I would cry

Dan McCoy

[47:50] if that happened

[47:51] alright

[47:51] well this next

[47:53] uh email comes to

[47:54] us courtesy of

[47:55] Daniel last name

[47:56] withheld

[47:56] it's titled

[47:57] Daniel Stern

[47:58] in search of

[48:00] mysterious astral

[48:02] alignments

[48:02] dear floppers

[48:04] long have I

[48:05] enjoyed the

[48:05] inspired hilarity

[48:06] you three original

[48:07] peaches along with

[48:08] the occasional

[48:09] derivative pair in

[48:10] a peach's absence

[48:11] bring to bear on my

[48:12] eardrums on a

[48:13] mostly regular

[48:14] fortnightly basis

[48:15] but only now do I

[48:16] feel compelled to

[48:17] write in for a

[48:18] mysterious event has

[48:19] occurred that can

[48:20] only be described

[48:21] as spookily good

[48:22] bad

[48:22] it's the grand

Stuart Wellington

[48:23] conjunction

Dan McCoy

[48:24] I work in the

[48:26] circulation department

[48:27] of a public library

[48:28] and in this

[48:28] capacity

[48:28] and I never

Elliott Kalan

[48:29] thought this

[48:29] would happen to

[48:29] me

[48:30] but a woman

[48:33] had sex with me

[48:34] and there was

[48:35] an invisible

[48:35] maniac and a

[48:36] castle freak

[48:36] there

[48:37] in this capacity

Dan McCoy

[48:38] spend much of

[48:39] my day in the

[48:40] depths of the

[48:40] back room sorting

[48:41] return material for

[48:42] its eventual

[48:43] replacement to the

[48:44] shelves

[48:44] being out of sight

[48:45] of the public

[48:45] and engaged in

[48:46] the sort of

[48:46] work that doesn't

[48:47] demand one's

[48:48] totality of

[48:48] attention I can

[48:49] usually be found

[48:50] earbuds in

[48:51] wringing my face

[48:52] into a grimace

[48:53] of stifled laughter

[48:54] as I revisit some

[48:55] old favorite flop

[48:56] houses between

[48:57] new episodes

[48:58] this very morning

[48:59] as I sorted a

[48:59] few cartloads of

[49:00] dvds my deep

[49:01] cut episode was

[49:02] d wars dragon

[49:03] wars that's an old

[49:04] one yeah

[49:05] it is a deep

[49:06] cut and dan was

[49:07] wrapping up his

[49:07] half-hearted

[49:08] recommendation of a

[49:09] movie he was only

[49:09] two-thirds of the way

[49:10] through

[49:10] sounds like dan

[49:12] do you see it on a

[49:13] plane or

[49:14] i just picked up our

[49:16] copy of cat balu and

[49:18] was reflecting on how

[49:19] undignified leave

[49:20] marvin looked on the

[49:21] cover when what

[49:22] should i hear but

[49:22] elliot's piping voice

[49:24] recommending cat

[49:25] balu it's a good

[49:25] movie cat balu yeah

Stuart Wellington

[49:27] why are you saying it

Dan McCoy

[49:27] weird i that's how i

[49:29] remembered elliot's

[49:29] saying oh cat balu uh

[49:31] the room reeled about

[49:32] me as i struggled to

[49:33] maintain a grasp on

[49:35] what i had previously

[49:35] and naively assumed to

[49:36] be comprehensible reality

[49:38] almost sucked into the

[49:39] into the airwaves like

[49:40] kid video or something

[49:42] what kind of rational

[49:44] captain n what kind of

[49:46] rational reality could i

[49:47] possibly believe in after

[49:48] this thunderbolt of

[49:49] cosmic alignment how

[49:50] could i live as i once

[49:51] had the knowledge i

[49:53] don't know how could i

[49:54] live as i once had in

[49:55] the knowledge that my

[49:55] mean existence had

[49:56] somehow attracted the

[49:57] attention of some

[49:58] unnameable other god

[50:00] for what else command

[50:01] such cosmos warping

[50:03] power to enact such a

[50:04] coincidence oh yeah only

[50:05] cthulhu could do that

[50:06] i can only shudder in

[50:07] terror at the thought

[50:08] of how irrevocably

[50:10] shredded my sanity would

[50:11] have been had the

[50:12] alignment occurred with

[50:13] head of the family in

[50:14] any case this moment of

[50:16] kismet don't even want

[50:17] to think about it

[50:17] my conviction that the

[50:20] flop house is truly

[50:21] something special cheers

[50:22] to you dan elliot

[50:22] stewart house cat and

[50:24] if it's house cats we

[50:25] can have custody house

[50:26] cats daughter

Elliott Kalan

[50:27] house cat you're back

Stuart Wellington

[50:30] how was spain he's

[50:32] gonna give the fan

[50:33] something special he's

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] gone already oh he

[50:34] already left to go back

[50:35] he cares so little for

Stuart Wellington

[50:39] our podcast

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] i don't even know why

[50:41] he shows up at all

[50:41] he shows up only when

Stuart Wellington

[50:43] somebody says something

[50:44] reminding stewart about

[50:45] it so stewart waves the

[50:47] house cat over

[50:47] otherwise he's so

Elliott Kalan

[50:49] condescending i can see

[50:50] him there now sitting on

[50:51] the couch going eh

Dan McCoy

[50:52] he just comes from the

[50:53] fancy feast catering

Elliott Kalan

[50:55] so did he watch cat

[50:56] bellew or no because

[50:57] it's you'll you'd

[50:58] understand why lee

[50:59] marvin looks so

[50:59] undignified he plays

[51:00] two characters in the

Dan McCoy

[51:01] movie i think he was

[51:02] too terrified too after

[51:03] i can understand

Elliott Kalan

[51:04] that but it's a good

Dan McCoy

[51:05] movie uh this last

[51:07] email killed a man

Elliott Kalan

[51:08] right here in wolf city

[51:10] oh god right here in

[51:11] wolf city that's part of

[51:13] the song anyway you're

Dan McCoy

[51:14] saying this last email of

[51:15] the evening is titled

[51:16] sure the invisible

[51:18] maniac music video

[51:20] okay so is this all

Elliott Kalan

[51:22] stewart with a little

[51:24] bit of elliot mailbag

Dan McCoy

[51:25] this is uh from ryan

[51:26] last name you didn't

Elliott Kalan

[51:27] slip in one of those

[51:28] letters you usually write

[51:29] about about how great

[51:30] you are hold on you

Dan McCoy

[51:33] can still save this

[51:34] email i think you're

[51:35] starting to get the

[51:36] sense so you're gonna

[51:37] you're gonna shake it

[51:38] up for a little bit

[51:39] uh he says is anyone

[51:42] with a passing

[51:43] familiarity of your

[51:44] program will know

[51:44] stewart wellington is

[51:46] an enthusiastic fan of

[51:47] the adam rifkin

[51:47] directed classic the

[51:49] invisible maniac he

[51:50] sure is i hope this

Stuart Wellington

[51:50] is from adam rifkin

Dan McCoy

[51:51] what listeners may not

[51:52] know is that the

[51:53] invisible maniac was

[51:54] deemed an important

[51:55] enough motion picture

[51:56] to earn a music video

[51:57] yes this brings us

[51:59] to he's invisible a

[52:01] music video performed

[52:02] by the metal band

[52:03] keep left recounting

[52:04] the incredible

[52:05] achievements of the

[52:06] invisible maniac

[52:06] metal driving band

[52:08] keep left words

[52:10] cannot describe the

[52:12] ethereal beauty of

[52:13] this music video and

[52:14] the refrain informing

[52:14] us that he's

[52:16] invisible over and

[52:17] over again it will

[52:18] haunt you for the

[52:19] rest of your life the

[52:20] music video can be

[52:21] seen here and i'll

[52:22] throw a link up on

[52:22] the website please do

[52:23] hopefully the music

[52:24] video will be included

[52:25] in the inevitable

[52:26] criterion collection

[52:27] blu-ray of the

[52:28] invisible maniac perhaps

[52:30] with liner notes to

[52:31] help explain the many

[52:32] visual metaphors that

[52:33] make it such a powerful

[52:34] cinematic statement

[52:35] best wishes ryan last

[52:37] name withheld p.s

[52:38] useless fun fact the

[52:40] lead singer of he's

[52:41] invisible is a man

[52:42] named dan povenmeyer

[52:43] who would later go on

[52:45] to write for rocko's

[52:45] modern life direct for

[52:47] family guy and create

[52:48] the wildly popular

[52:49] kids animated series

[52:50] phineas and ferb

[52:51] wow that's pretty

[52:52] impressive between the

[52:54] success of director

[52:54] adam rifkin and and

[52:56] singer dan povenmeyer

[52:57] it has become clear

[52:58] the invisible maniac is

[53:00] a launching pad for

[53:01] talent who will be the

[53:02] next breakout invisible

[53:03] man invisible maniac

[53:05] star noel peters

[53:06] stephanie blake

[53:08] robert r r ross jr

[53:10] only time will tell

Elliott Kalan

[53:11] it's a regular dazed

[53:12] and confused freaks and

[53:13] geeks it's one of

[53:14] those launching pads for

[53:15] careers

Stuart Wellington

[53:16] uh i didn't actually

[53:18] hear the rest of the

[53:19] email because i was on

[53:21] the itunes store trying

[53:22] to find the keep left

[53:23] song so i could

[53:24] immediately download it

[53:25] sadly doesn't exist

[53:27] yeah i think you may

Dan McCoy

[53:29] have to rip it using uh

[53:32] some sort of rip it a

[53:32] new one yeah yeah that

Stuart Wellington

[53:34] sounds way cooler than i

[53:36] know how to do on the

[53:36] internet you're gonna have

[53:37] to make like nicole

[53:38] kiddin with her pantyhose

[53:39] and rip it that's almost

[53:41] as cool as uh the song

[53:43] dream warriors by docken

[53:44] based on yeah i thought

[53:46] it was john or john

Dan McCoy

[53:47] compter's song from uh

[53:49] from big trouble little

[53:50] china i thought he it

[53:51] was interesting that he

[53:52] uh seemed to believe that

[53:54] the the marker of an

[53:56] important film is that

[53:57] we get a music video

[53:58] knowing that uh as you

Stuart Wellington

[54:00] said the aforementioned

[54:01] dream warriors where

[54:02] freddie's dreaming of

[54:04] docken playing this

[54:04] awesome song and then he

[54:06] wakes up and he's like

[54:06] who were those guys

[54:08] or you could be mine

Elliott Kalan

[54:09] you could be mine from

[54:11] terminator 2 where at

[54:12] the end terminator

[54:13] recognizes all the

[54:14] members of the band

[54:14] well that was a major

[54:15] motion picture only

[54:17] because guns and

[54:17] roses did a song for it

Dan McCoy

[54:19] great song great movie

[54:20] i think we can all

[54:21] agree with your bitch

[54:23] slap rapping and your

[54:24] cocaine tongue you get

Stuart Wellington

[54:25] nothing done oh man

[54:27] reading lyrics now so

[54:29] it's like poetry it's

Dan McCoy

[54:31] like poetry set to a

[54:32] beat uh so uh finally

[54:34] we have reached the

[54:35] point in our podcast

[54:36] where we recommend

[54:37] films films that you

[54:39] might enjoy unlike the

[54:40] paperboy which was a

[54:41] slog you will not

[54:42] enjoy do not watch it

[54:44] steward do you have a

[54:45] recommendation for us

Stuart Wellington

[54:47] uh i think i have i

[54:49] think i have three

[54:50] recommendations what no

[54:52] yes let me let me like

Elliott Kalan

[54:54] carnac let me see if i

[54:55] can guess what these are

Stuart Wellington

[54:56] no i i just want to say

[54:59] real quick if you're

[55:01] looking for like a

[55:02] southern fried like

[55:03] sleazy movie i'd

[55:05] recommend anything by

[55:06] craig brewer like

[55:07] hustle and flow or

[55:08] black snake moon which i

[55:09] think we've all

[55:10] recommended at least

[55:11] once um but the movie i

[55:13] actually want to

[55:13] recommend it i do want to

[55:15] recommend with a grain

[55:16] of salt because it's

[55:17] called head of the

[55:18] foot down just

[55:18] joking because it's

[55:19] called salt uh

[55:20] uh i just watched vhs

[55:24] recently a uh found

[55:26] footage horror movie

[55:27] anthology um that is

[55:29] i would recommend

[55:31] checking out if you are

[55:32] a horror movie fan it's

[55:34] about half good i would

[55:35] say yeah and i think

[55:36] that's part of why if

[55:37] you're great if you're a

[55:38] horror movie fan and

[55:40] you are interested at all

[55:42] in that in that type of

[55:43] horror movie i guess

[55:45] genre but it doesn't i

[55:46] don't know if it at

[55:46] this point it's become a

[55:47] genre um that i'm not

[55:50] particularly a fan because

[55:51] a lot of it's like hey

[55:52] somebody's talking into

[55:53] the camera oh no

[55:54] something scary's going

[55:55] on in the background

[55:55] uh but i think there's

[55:57] some good entries the

[55:58] tie west bit is

[55:59] interesting and kind of

[56:01] breaks the flow and

[56:02] then the final entry by a

[56:04] by a group of guys who i

[56:06] don't actually remember

[56:06] their name um put

[56:08] together they managed to

[56:09] get they managed to do

[56:10] some really interesting

[56:11] special effects stuff

[56:12] with what i'm assuming is

[56:13] a relatively small

[56:14] budget so uh if you're

[56:16] interested in horror movies

[56:17] but i mean

[56:19] it's a netflix streaming

[56:19] right now yeah if if you

[56:21] hate found footage movies

[56:22] do not watch it it will

[56:24] make you only more mad

[56:25] hmm yeah wait that was

Dan McCoy

[56:27] just two right or did i

Stuart Wellington

[56:29] miss one and i i was

[56:30] i was recommending hustle

[56:31] and flow and uh

[56:32] and like snake mom

[56:33] i see

[56:33] and fucking invisible

[56:35] maniac

[56:35] throw castle freak on the

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] fire why not

[56:39] uh ding dong gets totally

Stuart Wellington

[56:40] ripped off this dude's

[56:41] dick hole

[56:42] i'd like i'd like to

[56:45] recommend

[56:45] off his dick hole

[56:48] i'm out

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] oh now stewart's left

[56:51] first the house cat then

[56:53] stewart he just dropped

[56:54] the mic after the word

[56:55] dick hole and left

Dan McCoy

[56:56] uh i'd like to recommend

[56:58] a movie

[56:58] i don't know whether it

[57:00] actually ever got a

[57:01] theatrical release but

[57:02] it's available on uh

[57:03] netflix streaming

[57:04] it's called indie game

[57:06] the movie

[57:06] it's a documentary about

[57:08] uh three developers

[57:10] uh or three companies

[57:12] i mean there's actually

[57:13] like four developers

[57:14] who are working on

[57:16] uh independent video

[57:17] games

[57:18] and uh for someone like

[57:20] me who likes video

[57:22] games but kind of

[57:23] checked out

[57:25] uh post say

[57:28] 9 11

[57:29] the super nintendo

[57:30] i like like

[57:31] mario brothers

[57:32] yeah i don't want

[57:33] back guys by the way

[57:34] i oh you came

[57:35] and thanks for coming

[57:36] back

[57:36] i and like these

[57:39] these independent uh

[57:40] game makers

Elliott Kalan

[57:41] you really you really

[57:41] stopped playing video

[57:42] games around the time

[57:43] they stopped making

[57:43] those hoops you hit

[57:44] with a stick

Stuart Wellington

[57:45] the leisure suit

[57:46] larry's kind of

[57:47] pushed in after those

Elliott Kalan

[57:48] after they fit after

[57:50] they made the leisure

[57:50] suit larry's too

[57:51] realistic

[57:51] well they're doing

[57:52] he's like whatever

[57:53] happened in the fantasy

Dan McCoy

[57:54] point is these people

[57:55] are doing uh games

[57:56] that have very simple

[57:57] mechanics which i

[57:58] actually think

[57:59] for me uh makes a

[58:01] more enjoyable game

[58:03] i feel like even

[58:04] you know like

[58:05] you don't like

[58:06] gameplay that's too

[58:06] complicated

[58:07] yeah don't i mean

[58:07] like even beyond

[58:08] like video games

[58:10] like board games

[58:10] i feel like the

[58:11] the classic board

[58:12] games that have

[58:13] endured have very

[58:13] simple mechanics

[58:14] but a lot

[58:15] like mousetrap

[58:16] a lot of strategy

[58:16] involved

[58:17] uh and uh these are

[58:21] games that

[58:21] have go harken back

[58:23] to like the simple

[58:24] mechanics of earlier

[58:25] video games but have

[58:27] sort of pretensions

[58:27] towards doing something

[58:29] a little more artful

[58:30] and it's an interesting

[58:30] documentary about people

[58:31] trying to make video

[58:32] games outside of like

[58:33] big video game

[58:34] companies

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] your calls of duty

[58:36] yeah

[58:37] not a fan

Elliott Kalan

[58:39] uh i guess it's your

[58:41] turn

[58:41] so what was it called

[58:42] indie game the movie

[58:42] yeah

[58:43] i'd like to recommend

[58:45] i think two movies

[58:46] uh one is a movie

[58:47] you probably haven't

[58:48] seen and one is a

[58:49] movie you probably

[58:50] have seen but i'm

[58:51] going to ask you to

[58:51] look at it again

[58:52] with new eyes

[58:53] uh the movie you

[58:54] haven't seen

[58:54] rip someone's eyes

[58:55] out

[58:55] put them in your

[58:56] face

[58:57] it'd just be like

[58:58] the scene in

[58:58] blade runner

[58:59] when roy batty

[59:00] goes to the eye

[59:00] bank

[59:01] anyway uh he's seen

[59:04] many things sea beams

[59:05] glittering off etc etc

[59:06] uh what the first

[59:08] movie i'd like to

[59:09] remind is called the

[59:09] life of oharu or

[59:11] uh the original

[59:11] japanese title is

[59:12] saikaku ishidai

[59:14] ona saikaku's

[59:15] amorous woman

[59:16] this is a kenji

[59:18] mitsuguchi film you

[59:19] may i'm sure you

[59:20] know him from such

[59:21] movies as ugetsu

[59:22] anybody

[59:23] oh yeah

[59:24] and sancho daio

[59:26] sancho the bailiff

[59:27] anyway he's one of

[59:28] the greats of japanese

[59:29] film and this the

[59:30] life of oharu is

[59:31] is if you can

[59:32] imagine kind of

[59:33] like a proto

[59:35] feminist samurai

[59:36] movie in a way

[59:37] not it's set in that

[59:38] time period it's not

[59:40] really a samurai movie

[59:40] in that there's no

[59:41] sword fighting or

[59:41] anything but about a

[59:43] woman who basically

[59:44] there's no ninjas

[59:45] because she is born

[59:48] into a world where

[59:49] women have no power

[59:50] is forced through

[59:52] no fault of her own

[59:53] into a series of

[59:54] situations where kind

[59:56] of true love and

[59:56] happiness escapes her

[59:58] and she enters into

[1:00:00] lower and lower levels

[1:00:01] of degradation

[1:00:02] until attempting to

[1:00:05] reach some kind of

[1:00:05] transcendence at the

[1:00:06] end and it's a it

[1:00:07] turns out to be a

[1:00:07] really beautiful movie

[1:00:08] in the end and it's a

[1:00:09] very you know well

[1:00:10] made film uh

[1:00:12] mitsuguchi's big one

[1:00:13] of his big trademarks

[1:00:14] was long takes with

[1:00:15] very like elegant camera

[1:00:18] movements um and it's

[1:00:20] just a really well put

[1:00:21] together movie that i

[1:00:22] really liked a lot

[1:00:22] uh if you haven't seen

[1:00:24] his movie ugetsu you

[1:00:25] should see that too

[1:00:25] it's one of my one of

[1:00:26] the best japanese ghost

[1:00:27] movies ever uh but this

[1:00:29] one life of oharu is

[1:00:30] also fantastic and i

[1:00:32] highly recommend it and

[1:00:33] the movie i would say to

[1:00:34] watch with fresh eyes

[1:00:35] well watched a little

[1:00:36] movie this saturday that

[1:00:37] i hadn't seen in a

[1:00:37] number of years a little

[1:00:38] thing called stars wars

[1:00:39] uh and this is a movie

[1:00:41] that all of us nerds have

[1:00:44] i assume a complicated

[1:00:45] relationship with i know

[1:00:46] i did that as a kid i

[1:00:48] loved these movies and i

[1:00:49] ate up the whole world

[1:00:50] and the whole universe

[1:00:51] and it became no longer

[1:00:52] a series of movies but

[1:00:54] this mythology that i

[1:00:55] needed to master and

[1:00:57] every new addition to

[1:00:58] it i had to judge and

[1:01:00] each edition changed my

[1:01:01] evaluation of the

[1:01:02] entire this entire work

[1:01:04] and i got really tired

[1:01:06] of that and really

[1:01:07] exhausted by it and

[1:01:10] all the like debate over

[1:01:11] if the prequels affect

[1:01:12] the new the old ones

[1:01:13] and what's better and

[1:01:14] what happened to

[1:01:15] josh lucas and etc

[1:01:15] and on a whim basically

[1:01:17] on saturday i just

[1:01:18] watched my old vhs copy

[1:01:20] of star wars from

[1:01:21] when they re-released

[1:01:21] it in the mid 90s and

[1:01:23] watched it just as a

[1:01:25] movie and it was so

[1:01:27] much fun and it's just

[1:01:28] such like a fun

[1:01:29] enjoyable exciting

[1:01:30] science fiction fantasy

[1:01:32] adventure i know you

[1:01:34] guys disagree and

[1:01:35] they say star wars is

[1:01:35] not fun but it was it

[1:01:37] was nice to watch it

[1:01:38] from the point of view

[1:01:39] of i am watching a

[1:01:40] movie that i like but

[1:01:42] i'm not watching it from

[1:01:43] the point of view of i

[1:01:44] know all the i know

[1:01:45] all the lines i know

[1:01:46] what happens to all the

[1:01:47] characters later i know

[1:01:48] their backstories i know

[1:01:49] what the fucking

[1:01:50] dianoga is called even

[1:01:51] though it's never named

[1:01:52] in the movie like just

[1:01:54] watching it from the

[1:01:55] point of view of a fan

[1:02:00] of a movie just watching

[1:02:01] that movie as the one

[1:02:02] one movie story that just

[1:02:05] exists on its own was

[1:02:06] such a refreshing and

[1:02:08] entertaining experience

[1:02:09] for me so i would say go

[1:02:11] back and watch star wars

[1:02:12] pretending that this is

[1:02:13] the only star wars movie

[1:02:14] and the only star wars

[1:02:15] thing that there is so

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:16] you're saying you're

[1:02:17] taking the stand that

[1:02:18] this movie that sparked

[1:02:19] an empire is good what

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:22] i'm saying is i'm taking

[1:02:23] the stand that you can

[1:02:24] still enjoy it even more

[1:02:27] than you did before by

[1:02:28] clearing away all the

[1:02:29] detritus that's accumulated

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:30] around it the the ponda

[1:02:33] babas wait no he's in

[1:02:34] that he's in that no i

[1:02:35] mean like the dengar the

[1:02:36] prequels the novels the

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:38] toys the video games the tv

[1:02:40] show your personal

[1:02:41] feelings about george lucas

[1:02:42] any of that shit like it's

[1:02:44] no it's no wonder that

[1:02:45] it's an enjoyable movie at

[1:02:46] the time it was the most

[1:02:47] successful movie in the

[1:02:48] history of movies but it's

[1:02:50] easy to lose sight of it

[1:02:51] because there's so it's

[1:02:52] easy to lose to uh miss the

[1:02:54] forest for the trees because

[1:02:55] there's so many fucking

[1:02:56] trees that are terrible so

[1:02:57] let's focus in on all

[1:02:59] created by timothy's on

[1:03:00] so uh well before we sign

Dan McCoy

[1:03:03] off i like to say on a

[1:03:04] personal note uh the

[1:03:06] outpouring gay the

[1:03:07] outpouring of sympathy oh

[1:03:09] from fans after uh my uh

[1:03:12] acl injury has uh just

[1:03:14] been just been astounding

[1:03:16] in its non-existence it's

[1:03:18] just been amazing oh it

[1:03:19] was it was so hard to

[1:03:21] walk into dan's

[1:03:21] massages you ever been

[1:03:22] offered so hard to walk

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:23] through the apartment for

[1:03:25] all the giant flower

[1:03:26] horseshoes that weren't

[1:03:27] there yeah uh just

Dan McCoy

[1:03:29] pushing our way through

[1:03:30] all the condolence cards

[1:03:31] that weren't sent i

[1:03:32] would like to say i would

[1:03:33] like to thank thank

[1:03:34] alison abrams uh who was

[1:03:37] literally the one person

[1:03:38] who contacted me on

[1:03:40] twitter to say uh that

[1:03:42] she was sorry you've won

[1:03:43] the ill-defined contest

[1:03:44] that did not exist well

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:46] dan i don't want to call

[1:03:48] you an ungrateful bastard

[1:03:49] but uh i think you i'm

[1:03:52] glad you took this time

[1:03:53] out to admonish our fans

[1:03:54] for not for not cast not

[1:03:56] rending their garments in

[1:03:58] in sadness over your non

[1:04:01] life-threatening but

[1:04:01] uncomfortable injury on

[1:04:03] their face for not

[1:04:04] groveling in the dirt and

[1:04:06] walking on their knees to

Dan McCoy

[1:04:07] the local shrine to pray

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:09] to pray you get through

Dan McCoy

[1:04:11] this i'm gonna be going

[1:04:12] under the knife elliot

[1:04:13] under the knife in two

[1:04:14] weeks you get to have a

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:15] dead guy's zombie tendon

[1:04:16] in your knee that's

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:17] amazing when i was jogging

[1:04:19] on a treadmill today for

[1:04:22] and i was all sweaty and

[1:04:23] man i was looking good

[1:04:25] right uh i thought i was

[1:04:28] watching you from the

[1:04:29] window you were like

[1:04:29] matthie mcconnelly in

[1:04:30] this movie just sweaty and

[1:04:31] cut sweaty cut up and i was

[1:04:34] thinking about you not that

[1:04:36] much but some of the time

[1:04:37] probably yeah

[1:04:37] be sweaty and cut

[1:04:39] i was listening to uh what

[1:04:41] do kids like nowadays

[1:04:42] so i know

[1:04:43] yogurt

[1:04:44] yogurt

[1:04:45] you were listening to

[1:04:47] yogurt

[1:04:47] just sloshing around in a

[1:04:48] tub

[1:04:49] you squirted it into your

[1:04:50] ears

[1:04:51] dinosaur chicken nuggets or

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:53] something who cares

[1:04:53] so i want to thank so i

[1:04:56] just want to say to all our

[1:04:57] listeners who have been

[1:04:58] with us for a number of

[1:04:59] years now who go back and

[1:05:01] re-listen to episodes

[1:05:01] stand up for us in the av

[1:05:03] club comments thanks for

[1:05:05] you should be ashamed of

[1:05:06] yourself for not stopping

[1:05:08] your life to put yourself

[1:05:11] at the service of dan's

[1:05:14] knee

Dan McCoy

[1:05:14] all right well uh on that

[1:05:18] note you you are you are

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:19] the true monsters of history

[1:05:21] how dare you at long last

[1:05:23] have you no shame i'd like

[1:05:24] to sign on for a second i

[1:05:26] thought sweaty john

[1:05:28] cusack was a monster no no

[1:05:31] his murdering of two

[1:05:32] possibly three people for

[1:05:34] the flop house

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:35] pales for this

[1:05:36] pales for this refusal to

[1:05:39] acknowledge the tearing of

[1:05:41] tons of alligator guts out of

[1:05:43] an alligator corpse is

[1:05:44] disgusting

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:44] dan mccoy

[1:05:46] no but this snubbing of

[1:05:47] dan's knee

[1:05:48] i guess i'm steward

[1:05:50] wellington

[1:05:50] i'm i'm too disgusted to

[1:05:52] say that i'm elliot

[1:05:53] kalen

[1:05:53] good night everyone

[1:05:55] oh man

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:56] you've horrified me dan

[1:06:00] oh man what's that fanfic

[1:06:06] pictures of boobs

[1:06:08] more april o'neill boob

[1:06:10] pictures

[1:06:10] hey thumbs up to that guy

[1:06:12] very talented

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:14] finally combine the two

[1:06:15] things we love most

[1:06:15] teenage mutant

[1:06:16] turtle supporting characters

[1:06:17] and boobs

Dan McCoy

[1:06:18] now if we could only see

[1:06:20] krang with boobs

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:21] uh

[1:06:23] careful what you wish for

[1:06:27] krang with boobs

[1:06:28] what about bebop and

[1:06:29] rocksteady with boobs

[1:06:30] now you're talking

[1:06:31] that's awesome

[1:06:33] shredder with boobs

[1:06:34] not so much

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:34] no no no no no

[1:06:35] now krang's robot body

[1:06:37] with boobs

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:38] yeah no shit

[1:06:39] it would be like one of

[1:06:40] those weird soryama

[1:06:41] sex robot drawings

[1:06:42] like the spedka robot

[1:06:44] yeah

[1:06:45] spedka robot

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:46] yeah

[1:06:46] but with a brain and a

[1:06:48] spelling

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:48] but with krang

[1:06:48] well krang yeah

[1:06:49] krang's a brain

[1:06:50] He's the living brain from Dimension X

[1:06:52] He's a Craig

The Flop House: Episode #120 - The Paperboy

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