Flop House Classic - Old Dogs

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the most terrifying horror movie ever made,

[0:05] John Travolta and Robin Williams in Old Dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flop House.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:51] All right, Old Dogs, take three, clap.

Dan McCoy

[0:55] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flop House.

[0:58] I'm Dan McCoy.

[1:00] You did it.

[1:01] Oh, I'm Stuart.

[1:02] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:04] That's all going on in the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] Stuart Welling, my mistake.

[1:08] You need to know my full name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10] You were still ascertaining which Stuart you were.

Dan McCoy

[1:12] So, speaking of your name, Stuart.

[1:14] Sure.

[1:16] There's some big news we need to talk about.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18] Okay, what's that?

Dan McCoy

[1:20] It's the fact that Kathy is ending after 30 years.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] Yeah, in October, right?

[1:24] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] Goodbye, Kathy, we hardly knew you.

[1:29] Well, that was my stupid joke based on the fact that Stuart's engaged now.

[1:34] Sorry, ladies.

[1:34] That was what I, it was the old switcheroo.

[1:36] The old.

[1:37] I let Stuart believe I would talk about that.

[1:38] The old bury the lead.

[1:39] And I talked about Kathy.

[1:40] The old failed joke.

[1:42] No, it's okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:43] The old yek-em-up.

[1:45] I am now engaged to be wed.

[1:49] Wow.

[1:50] You are betrothed.

[1:51] I'm betrothed.

[1:52] Promised.

[1:52] All the mysteries of women are about to be revealed to you.

[1:55] Yeah.

[1:57] Like, why do they take so much time in the bathroom?

[1:59] Yep.

[1:59] Am I right, guys?

[2:00] Am I right?

[2:01] Anyone?

[2:01] When you're married, you go to the bathroom with them.

[2:03] Yep.

[2:04] To see if they need any help.

Dan McCoy

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:05] And you were just going to be checking your watch.

[2:07] Like, I am done.

[2:09] Why aren't you done?

[2:10] Yeah.

[2:11] What is this?

[2:12] Blows job that I keep hearing about?

Elliott Kalan

[2:14] Or blowing?

[2:15] It's the Bose Wave Radio.

[2:16] It's Popular Mechanics 1985 Best of What's New.

[2:19] Okay.

[2:20] What's so great about it?

[2:22] It's just a great radio.

[2:23] It uses sound waves in a different way.

[2:25] It's tremendous.

[2:25] For a better sound.

[2:26] Richer.

[2:27] Fuller.

[2:27] Sure.

[2:27] Is it like an HD radio?

[2:29] Like a serious radio?

[2:30] It's like if...

[2:31] No.

[2:32] It only picks up regular radio signals.

[2:34] Like shortwave radio?

[2:35] No.

[2:36] You can't use that.

[2:36] What about weather radio?

[2:38] Like emergency weather alerts?

[2:39] No.

[2:39] I don't...

[2:40] Well, if a regular radio station is broadcasting those, then yes.

[2:42] Okay.

[2:44] But you're engaged.

[2:45] Yeah.

[2:45] Congratulations.

[2:46] Yay!

[2:46] Your engagement is sponsored by Bose.

[2:49] Well, this means that in a pretty close space...

[2:52] I don't know how long you're planning to wait before you get married.

[2:55] I was going to get married in two weeks.

[2:56] Wow.

[2:57] That might be a problem.

[2:59] In weird?

[3:00] In what way?

[3:01] I kind of have an event planned in two weeks.

Stuart Wellington

[3:04] What?

[3:04] Like one of your mash-em-ups?

[3:06] Your monster mash-mum-ups?

[3:08] Where we watch monster movies and costumes?

[3:11] Not exactly one of those.

[3:12] Eat a bunch of junk food and get scared?

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] More like instead of costumes...

[3:15] And we brought masks, so when the pizza man comes, he gets scared of our masks.

[3:19] Instead of costumes and masks, more like formal wear.

[3:23] And instead of monster movies, more like me getting married.

[3:26] The best thing is...

Dan McCoy

[3:27] To my fiancé.

[3:27] The best thing about that joke is that Stuart just invented a whole new thing that Elliot doesn't do.

[3:32] That I wish I did do.

Stuart Wellington

[3:34] Put on a monster costume and invite the pizza man to deliver a pizza.

[3:38] Yeah.

[3:40] If he dares.

[3:41] Yeah, you guys are going to be joining me.

[3:42] And then you scare him and he drops his pizza and runs away.

[3:45] And you don't have to pay him.

[3:46] That's how you get a free pizza.

[3:47] Yeah, that's the only way.

[3:48] Put that in your books, guys.

[3:51] In your free pizza tricks books.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] In the books you're talking about.

Stuart Wellington

[3:56] Yeah.

[3:56] Enjoy them while they're free, ladies.

[3:58] Okay.

[3:59] Before you have to pay for my pizza tricks.

Dan McCoy

[4:03] But Stuart's married.

[4:04] Stuart's pizza tricks are for pay.

[4:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] Yeah.

[4:07] He's not going to give them away.

[4:08] Uh-huh.

[4:09] No.

[4:09] But yeah, in a relatively short amount of time, the Flophouse will go from 66% single to 100% married.

Stuart Wellington

[4:17] Yeah.

[4:17] That's fast math, Elliot.

[4:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:19] Well, it's just three.

[4:21] Yeah.

[4:21] Well, it's actually...

[4:22] I mean, technically it's 66.6 repeating.

[4:24] Oh, God.

[4:25] I was always bad at the percents.

Elliott Kalan

[4:27] Really?

[4:27] You know, math class.

[4:28] Yeah.

[4:29] Percents.

[4:29] I'm pretty good at them.

[4:30] It's the part of math that I'm good at.

[4:31] I'm not good at other math.

[4:32] Okay.

[4:33] What about the plusing and the minusing?

[4:35] Basic arithmetic.

[4:37] No.

[4:38] That I can do.

[4:39] Okay.

[4:40] That's good.

[4:40] Yeah.

[4:40] Your basics, your plus minus times divide.

[4:43] Those I can handle.

[4:44] What about your...

[4:45] I was thinking more like calculus.

[4:47] I'm not so good at.

Dan McCoy

[4:48] What about your reading and your writing?

[4:50] To get along with your arithmetic.

Elliott Kalan

[4:52] Well, I enjoy reading and I am a professional writer.

[4:54] Okay.

[4:55] So I'm at least good enough to make a living from it.

[4:58] Well, I'm a member of the Writers Guild of America East.

[5:02] I'm a member of the Writers Guild of America East, but that doesn't make me a professional

[5:05] writer.

[5:06] Touché.

[5:07] Touché, sir.

[5:08] Is that like one of those World of Warcraft guilds?

[5:11] I wish.

[5:12] We don't get leather aprons.

[5:13] We don't get anvils.

[5:14] We don't get to fight orcs.

[5:16] Do you get experience points?

Stuart Wellington

[5:18] Yes.

[5:20] Okay.

[5:21] Well, I mean, in a short answer, I suppose.

[5:24] I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[5:25] Yeah.

[5:25] Except it's called Experience Points.

Stuart Wellington

[5:29] No.

[5:29] Well, wait.

[5:30] That's just what I said.

Elliott Kalan

[5:31] Oh, was it?

Dan McCoy

[5:32] So the moral is Stuart's getting married.

[5:35] In front of me?

[5:36] Yeah.

[5:37] Stuart's getting married, starring Anne Hathaway, Elliot's best friend.

[5:42] Since high school, bosom pals.

Elliott Kalan

[5:46] What was it like when you guys were dating?

[5:48] Never happened.

[5:50] Okay.

[5:52] I mean, she dated a guy in my art class.

[5:54] Yeah.

[5:54] Okay.

[5:55] Was he good at art?

[5:57] I don't remember.

[6:01] What a boring anecdote, Elliot.

[6:03] Well, I didn't bring the subject up originally.

[6:08] So, what are we?

Dan McCoy

[6:10] What do we do?

[6:10] Oh, this is a podcast about watching bad movies.

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] Now that most of the women who listen to this podcast have committed suicide, now that they

[6:17] know that Stuart is no longer available.

Stuart Wellington

[6:19] Like the women who killed themselves when Jackie Chan had a love interest in one of his early

[6:23] films, and thus he never had a love interest ever again.

[6:26] Yeah.

[6:27] That's a fact.

[6:27] Do you think that haunts him?

[6:28] Take that to your Jackie Chan biography.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] No more than the Next Door Ninja or whatever it was called.

[6:34] Next Door Ninja would have been a better movie.

[6:36] I agree.

[6:39] Now that that's over with, we can talk about the movie, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[6:42] We watched a movie called Old Dogs.

[6:46] And it's not a film about expired hot dogs or a documentary about a pet cemetery.

[6:55] That would be Gates of Heaven, the Errol Morris film.

Stuart Wellington

[6:58] I was kind of hoping it was a movie where you had dogs who computers like made their lips

[7:03] move and then they talked with like celebrities' voices.

Dan McCoy

[7:06] Well, you would love a little film called Cats and Dogs, The Revenge of Pussy Galore.

[7:11] It's Kurt Lange's theaters now.

[7:13] Kitty Galore.

[7:14] Pussy Galore is the original that...

[7:16] Original character.

[7:17] Sure.

[7:17] Too racy.

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] Kitty is okay for kids to hear because it merely hints at the word pussy, which kids,

[7:24] of course, cannot know.

[7:25] Just as the slogan for the Smurf movie is Smurf Happens, which hints at the phrase

[7:29] shit happens, but kids don't need to know that.

[7:32] But kids know a lot about Smurfs, right?

[7:35] Today's kids probably don't know anything about Smurfs.

[7:37] Okay.

[7:38] Well, they do have the book, Everybody Smurfs.

[7:40] So, sure.

[7:41] That's right.

[7:43] Like all kids have that?

[7:45] The government hands it out.

[7:46] Sure.

[7:47] It's like the converter box coupon.

[7:48] It's stockpiled in hospitals for when babies are born.

Stuart Wellington

[7:52] Well, we...

[7:53] Face it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] At some point, you're going to have to teach your children about Smurfs.

[7:56] This has just been a tremendous amount of nonsense.

[7:58] So old dogs.

[7:59] Well, let's talk about old dogs.

[8:01] Maybe the worst thing ever in history.

[8:05] Not even movies outside of the movie category.

[8:08] Yeah.

[8:08] Nice.

Stuart Wellington

[8:09] It's crossed a lot of boundaries.

[8:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] A lot of...

[8:12] I felt...

[8:13] I...

[8:14] Usually, after seeing a bad movie, don't feel molested.

[8:19] But I do after having watched this one.

Dan McCoy

[8:21] Sure.

[8:21] You feel like a gorilla maybe raped you.

[8:24] I feel like...

[8:25] It probably happened to Seth Green at the end of this film.

[8:27] As it's implied, yes, it will happen to Seth Green.

Stuart Wellington

[8:29] Normally, when you would say something about feeling molested, I would have made like a witty joke.

[8:35] That would have been hilarious, right?

[8:36] Like totally hilarious.

[8:37] Yeah.

[8:38] But this movie sapped it all out of me.

[8:40] It's...

[8:41] Yeah.

[8:41] I can't even laugh about molestation.

[8:43] Yeah.

[8:44] This is a man...

[8:45] How could you have done that all the time?

Stuart Wellington

[8:45] This is a man who just got engaged, people.

Dan McCoy

[8:47] And all of the joy has left his face.

[8:49] Yep.

[8:50] And he's a shell of a man.

[8:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] His soul has been torn in two.

[8:55] As if absorbed by...

[8:56] What was that sword?

[8:58] That Elric used?

[9:01] With its Ebon blade?

Stuart Wellington

[9:03] Yeah.

[9:03] Something like that.

[9:05] Fuck.

[9:06] Let me go read my Michael Moorcock fan fiction I've been writing.

Dan McCoy

[9:09] This is a movie about two high-powered...

[9:11] He's a natural champion.

[9:13] ...high-powered sports...

[9:15] Are they sports agents?

[9:16] They're sports agents.

[9:18] Because...

[9:18] I mean like...

[9:19] Stormbringer.

[9:21] Stormbringer, Dan.

[9:22] Thank you.

[9:23] Kelly Preston is in this film, by the way.

[9:24] It was also in Jerry Maguire.

[9:25] Just to point up...

[9:27] Well...

[9:27] Like to make you hate the fact that they're sports agents even more.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] Well, they're almost...

[9:31] They're sports agents who work mostly in marketing, it seems.

[9:33] Like they're in sports marketing.

[9:36] And they're two...

Dan McCoy

[9:36] And Seth Green follows them around everywhere, too.

Elliott Kalan

[9:38] Yeah.

[9:38] For some reason.

[9:39] Well, they're friends.

[9:39] They've been friends since they were kids.

[9:41] John Travolta and Robin Williams.

[9:43] Now they are two...

[9:44] Old dogs.

[9:45] Shriveled old dogs.

[9:46] How did we find out they were friends for a long time?

[9:48] The title sequence shows photoshopped pictures of the two of them as young men...

[9:52] Just like goofing around, right?

[9:53] Hanging out, yeah.

[9:55] Where it looks like they took a photograph of two human beings.

[9:59] Someone cut out pictures of John Travolta and Robin Williams' faces.

[10:03] And then pasted them on...

[10:05] Yeah.

[10:05] ...over it.

[10:06] And then they shot that.

Dan McCoy

[10:06] Like stills from Mork and Welcome Back, Cotter.

[10:11] They put on there.

[10:12] Yeah.

[10:12] That was a show?

[10:13] Like a crossover show?

[10:15] No, I'm talking about the shows Mork and Mindy and the show Welcome Back, Cotter.

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] Welcome Back, Morker.

[10:21] It was the crossover show.

Dan McCoy

[10:23] Yeah.

[10:26] That's an odd choice.

[10:28] I mean...

[10:29] Lo and behold...

[10:30] I mean, Cotter's not even in it.

[10:31] Yeah.

[10:31] Lo and behold, Kelly Preston shows back up.

Elliott Kalan

[10:34] Well, we find out Robin Williams is the straight-laced one.

[10:38] Mm-hmm.

[10:38] And John Travolta is the wild man who's also a ladies' man.

[10:43] A wild hog.

[10:44] They're playing against type in that Robin Williams, as we all know, is manic in real life.

[10:49] Hilarious.

[10:49] And John Travolta is possibly gay in real life.

[10:52] So, they're playing against type.

[10:55] It's like Ishtar.

[10:56] Mm-hmm.

[10:57] Except not as successful.

[10:58] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[11:00] And, um...

[11:01] I guess, uh...

[11:02] Robin Williams has some kids that he didn't know about?

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] Robin...

[11:05] Well, okay.

[11:06] Let me tell you the story of old dogs.

[11:08] Oh, please.

[11:09] Let me tell you the...

[11:10] Let me spin you a tale.

[11:11] It'll be more entertaining and shorter than the film we watched.

[11:14] Um...

[11:15] I hope shorter, because it's an 87-minute film.

[11:17] Yeah.

[11:17] And I don't think I should tell it in that sort of detail.

[11:20] No, tell it in real time.

[11:21] Okay.

[11:21] We open on New York City.

[11:24] Inside an office.

[11:25] Smash cut.

[11:26] Smash cut, too.

[11:28] Okay.

[11:29] The Earth is a boiling mass.

[11:31] What?

[11:32] Right now?

[11:32] We have to get to the space arc.

[11:35] So, the two of them are high-powered sports marketing agents of some type.

[11:39] They're about to do a big deal with a Japanese company that does something.

[11:44] We're never quite sure what that is.

[11:45] Japanese sports is what they do.

[11:46] Yeah, I guess so.

[11:48] What they basically do is Japanese business.

[11:50] Like, it's a throwback to the 80s when Japanese businessmen were all the rage.

[11:55] And John Travolta tells a story about how when Robin Williams was reeling from his first divorce,

[12:01] he tricked him into going down to Miami for a wild bachelor weekend, wherein he got drunk

[12:07] and got married to Kelly Preston, and then got a tattoo that was supposed to say Freeman on his chest,

[12:13] but it came out saying Fremont.

[12:15] And that's a running gag in the film.

Stuart Wellington

[12:18] The weird thing about it is just the size of the tattoo, it would have taken multiple visits.

[12:24] I mean, there's no way one drunken night he could have gotten that entire thing then, like, ran around with it exposed.

[12:30] I mean, it would have gotten infected.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] They could have been on, like, an 84-hour bender, where they kept going back to the tattoo bar.

[12:36] More like a fear and loathing type thing.

[12:37] It keeps making the same bad choice over and over again.

Dan McCoy

[12:40] But, uh...

[12:40] Like a Groundhog Day sort of thing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:43] And the Japanese businessmen are being interpreted by Lori Loughlin of TV's Full House, who is doing...

[12:48] Speaking Japanese.

[12:49] It's Buzz Radio's Full House.

Dan McCoy

[12:51] The original that ran from 1941 to 1952.

Elliott Kalan

[12:58] You are like an encyclopedia of fake radio knowledge.

[13:03] It turns out that, uh, Robin Williams secretly got in touch with the woman that he was married to for a day in Miami.

[13:11] She has come back out of nowhere and brought with her two adorable seven-year-old Moppet's who are his children.

[13:18] She is...

[13:19] She is, uh, going to jail.

[13:23] I'm trying to remember the nonsense plot.

[13:25] She is going to see him because she's about to go to jail the next day.

Stuart Wellington

[13:29] Yeah, she needs to have an excuse to leave him with these two children.

Elliott Kalan

[13:32] Yeah, she is...

[13:33] She trespassed on a...

[13:34] She trespassed on a factory site.

[13:37] Now she's going to jail.

[13:38] They've let her leave town and go to New York.

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] She's like an eco-terrorist, right?

Elliott Kalan

[13:42] Yeah, she's an eco-terrorist, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:43] An eco-terrorist?

[13:44] What's that?

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] Oh, you leave ink everywhere.

[13:46] Oh, okay.

[13:46] No, she is an eco-terrorist.

[13:49] But, uh, somehow they've let her leave town, even though she is going to jail within days.

[13:54] Drop her kids off.

[13:55] It's kind of a bullshit thing to be...

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] Go to prison for, right?

[13:59] Uh, yes.

Dan McCoy

[14:00] I mean...

[14:01] Well, it's only implied by the movie, but she actually killed three people in her active eco-terrorism.

Elliott Kalan

[14:06] Oh, implied as in never mentioned.

Dan McCoy

[14:08] Well, that was...

[14:09] Oh, that's part of my old dog's fanfic.

[14:12] Well, I mean...

[14:12] Filling in the gaps.

[14:13] I see.

Stuart Wellington

[14:14] Untold tales of old dogs.

[14:15] There's a darkness behind her eyes that you can kind of tell from the, like, the crazy

[14:19] mugging that she does to try and keep up with Robin Williams.

[14:22] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[14:22] The close-ups are...

[14:23] It makes it clear that her soul is gone.

[14:25] Yeah.

[14:25] As yours is after watching the movie.

[14:27] Yeah.

[14:28] Her...

[14:29] Her...

[14:29] She drops her kids off.

[14:31] It's like being in Brazil.

[14:32] I'm leaving out the part where her...

[14:33] Spoiler alert.

[14:35] I'm leaving out the part where her friend, the hand model, is supposed to take care of

[14:38] the kids, but Robin Williams slams a car trunk on her hands.

[14:41] Ruining them.

[14:42] Ruining them.

[14:43] And her livelihood.

Dan McCoy

[14:44] Which, by the way, is then never mentioned again.

[14:46] Apparently, that woman's life has just been ruined cavalierly in passing by Robin Williams.

[14:51] I assume she died in the hospital.

[14:52] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] Well, especially because the moment of her getting her fingers smashed, like, the moment

[14:58] of her mutilation, she just makes a bunch of, like, Jerry Lewis-style faces.

[15:03] Yeah.

[15:03] And they played Big Girls Don't Cry.

[15:05] Really loud.

[15:06] They play about seven...

Dan McCoy

[15:07] Well, she makes faces for, like, five minutes.

[15:09] There's, like, five minutes of faces.

[15:11] Like, her eyes go crossed.

[15:12] It's absurdly long.

[15:12] Her tongue sticks out.

[15:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:13] This is...

[15:14] There's...

[15:14] We should just mention that...

[15:15] Peter Wilson.

[15:15] Mrs. Tom Hanks.

[15:16] This is the most overacted movie in the history of the world, I think.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] It's certainly the most overacted movie we've watched from the Flophouse.

[15:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] It is manic.

[15:25] The whole movie is edited as if it was a trailer.

[15:27] Just really fast scenes.

[15:29] Really fast cuts.

[15:29] Everyone talks really fast.

[15:31] Huge, loud, mutant pop songs everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[15:33] No connection from one scene to the next.

[15:35] No, like...

[15:36] No, like, oh, okay, this scene is ending with a question that's going to be answered to

[15:40] the next scene.

[15:41] Like, no, the next scene is going to take it off in a different direction.

Stuart Wellington

[15:43] Yeah.

[15:44] There's that hilarious scene where they take...

[15:46] They accidentally mix up each other's pills.

[15:48] Well, we'll get to that.

[15:49] Okay.

[15:49] We'll get to that.

[15:50] So, anyway...

[15:51] I jump the gun.

[15:51] Yeah.

[15:52] I'm sorry, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] And the shark, unfortunately.

Stuart Wellington

[15:55] So, I guess on a downward slant?

[15:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:57] Pretty much, yeah.

[15:59] We're thinking of replacing you with a new character on this podcast.

[16:02] Well, it's like moonlighting.

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] Like, the Stuart Charlene sexual tension was there and he jumped the shark when you proposed

[16:07] to her.

[16:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:08] Like, in the X-Files.

Dan McCoy

[16:10] Exactly.

[16:10] But it also ruined your sexual tension with the two of us.

[16:13] That's true, right?

[16:14] Which...

[16:14] Well, no longer.

Elliott Kalan

[16:15] We will never mention that again.

[16:17] That is not something we need to put in the minds of our listeners another time.

[16:21] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[16:21] I mean, that, like, the forbidden element of...

[16:23] Because, I mean, you guys are clear.

[16:25] Like, you're married and you're engaged.

[16:26] Like...

[16:26] And, you know, I was just kind of single, so that forbidden element was really hot.

[16:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:31] It was less about the sex and more about the boundaries that were being broken.

Stuart Wellington

[16:34] Absolutely.

[16:35] Like a David Cronenberg movie or something.

[16:37] I don't know if there were things like that.

[16:40] Yeah.

[16:40] Like Videodrome.

Dan McCoy

[16:42] It's like we're leaving the flesh behind and entering a new world of consciousness.

[16:45] I don't think there were pulsing, oozing orifices or anything like that.

[16:49] Well, not yet.

Elliott Kalan

[16:50] Okay.

[16:51] What are you talking about?

[16:52] Anyway, so...

[16:53] What's wrong with you, dude?

[16:54] Rob Williams has to take care of these kids.

[16:56] John Travolta, for whatever reason, decides that's his job, too.

[16:59] Even though they have a lot of work to do to land this Japan deal.

Dan McCoy

[17:02] It's because of the contrivance that means that Robin Williams has to move in with John Travolta.

[17:09] Which is that Robin Williams lives in an adults-only, you know, some sort of gated community.

[17:15] And Amy Sedaris, in her one scene, comes out, sees kids, freaks out.

[17:19] Like an alarm goes off.

[17:21] And then smash cut to Robin Williams moving in with John Travolta.

Elliott Kalan

[17:24] And John Travolta just kind of has samurai swords in his apartment all over the place.

[17:28] Well, he's a wealthy bachelor.

[17:30] Goes without saying, yeah.

[17:32] A confirmed bachelor.

Stuart Wellington

[17:34] Way into...

[17:34] And he has a...

[17:35] Wait, what?

[17:36] What are you implying?

[17:37] I can't imply anything.

[17:38] His only life mate...

Elliott Kalan

[17:39] He's an older man who hasn't married.

[17:41] His only life mate is an old dog.

[17:43] Hmm, symbolism.

[17:45] Oh, I left out the part where Robin Williams gets locked in a tanning booth and sprayed with tanning lotion...

[17:49] Well, please continue to do that.

[17:50] ...for a hundred hours?

[17:52] Yeah, I wish the movie had also left that out.

Stuart Wellington

[17:54] And he comes out looking like George Hamilton and...

[17:56] He comes out...

[17:57] And his tan mysteriously disappears within two scenes.

[17:59] They do a bit...

[18:00] Until they get a couple of good, like, Pakistani and Mexican jokes in there.

[18:03] Well, that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:04] They go to Grand Central Station, where he's going to meet Kelly Preston.

[18:09] John Travolta's convinced him he's got a tan up to look like a man.

[18:12] Sure.

[18:12] And all he looks like is a man with a very fake tan.

[18:16] But an Indian man and then a Hispanic woman both stop him and ask him for directions in their native languages

[18:22] because Robin Williams looks so ethnic with this tan.

Stuart Wellington

[18:25] That's a tough scene for an actor to pull off.

[18:27] But you know what?

[18:28] Robin Williams, he's got the chops.

[18:30] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[18:30] They're making a point.

[18:31] They're making a point about our divided society, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[18:33] That we should see beyond color.

Dan McCoy

[18:35] People are only comfortable talking to people of their own race or creed.

Elliott Kalan

[18:40] To the two-dimensional, manic, flat, cardboard character underneath.

[18:43] Sure.

[18:44] We can all join together in a hatred of old dogs.

[18:46] So they go through a series of hilarious adventures involving going to a...

[18:51] Misadventures.

[18:52] Thank you.

[18:52] Uh-oh.

[18:53] Watch out, because when the old dogs are in town, trouble follows.

Dan McCoy

[18:57] Somebody will probably get hit in the groin.

[18:59] Many people get hit in the groin.

[19:00] They will go to a camp for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[19:03] They'll go to a Boy Scout-type camp where there are no activities for children, only for adults.

[19:07] And people get beat up and a statue gets blown up.

[19:11] And Matt Dillon is there.

Stuart Wellington

[19:12] What I didn't understand was they made the decision to go to this camp really at the last minute.

[19:18] Where do they get uniforms?

[19:21] You know, for the old dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] I think the same place that Robin Williams later gets the king costume that he wears while casually playing tea party with his daughter.

Dan McCoy

[19:31] And the same place that he gets the puppet machine.

Elliott Kalan

[19:34] Oh, you mean the exoskeleton he wears that allows John Travol to control his actions?

[19:38] Yes.

[19:39] Because he doesn't know how to play?

[19:41] Yeah.

[19:41] That's provided by famous puppeteer blues artist Bernie Mac.

[19:45] Bernie Mac, who appears in the movie and then disappears instantly.

[19:48] His final role, by the way.

[19:49] It's called...

Dan McCoy

[19:50] A real Orson Welles situation.

Stuart Wellington

[19:52] It's called...

[19:53] It's called having an avatar.

Dan McCoy

[19:57] Yes, exactly.

[19:58] You're saying this movie was just ahead of its time.

[20:00] A little bit, yeah.

[20:01] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[20:02] So they go to a Boy Scout type camp where they are mistaken for gay.

[20:08] Hilarious.

[20:09] That's really strange.

[20:09] In a kid's movie.

[20:10] And they put...

[20:11] It's probably John Travolta.

Dan McCoy

[20:12] I don't know why two aging confirmed bachelors who are living together and are best friends would be...

[20:18] They go to a restaurant...

[20:19] They go to a restaurant...

[20:20] And partners.

Elliott Kalan

[20:21] They go to a restaurant where they are thought to be grandparents.

[20:24] Embarrassing.

[20:26] Their pills get mixed up.

[20:28] And they go through...

[20:29] And, well...

[20:30] Here's...

[20:31] Okay.

[20:31] Here's the thing.

[20:33] Robin Williams has these two kids.

[20:34] John Travolta is his business partner.

[20:36] They have a huge account they have to land that involves playing golf with a Japanese CEO.

[20:41] Because, again, this movie was originally written, I assume, in 1983.

[20:44] Sure.

[20:46] Why...

[20:46] That's how business is done.

[20:47] Why golf in Japanese?

Stuart Wellington

[20:48] Because, again, if he doesn't land the account, the businessman's going to bulldoze their family car washer.

[20:53] Their community center.

[20:54] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[20:55] Yeah, that's why they have to breakdance their way out of it.

[20:57] Okay.

[20:59] Why does John Travolta take the kids to his girlfriend's beach house?

[21:04] Or Lori Loughlin's beach house.

[21:06] Not even his girlfriend.

[21:07] And why does Robin Williams go play golf with the guy when really Robin Williams should take the kids and John Travolta should just go about his business?

[21:14] Good point.

Dan McCoy

[21:16] One might as well ask why Seth Green tags along with every personal event, too.

[21:21] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] Their assistant, Seth Green, who for some reason decides that he is their au pair, I guess.

[21:26] I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[21:27] One might also ask why somebody who has a pretty successful little career, being the producer of Robot Chicken and a variety of other types of programs.

[21:39] You know, he's probably getting a paycheck.

[21:41] Why old dogs?

[21:42] It's a good question.

Dan McCoy

[21:43] You're constantly asked throughout.

[21:44] It shows that whatever your individual opinion of them, too, like, carries some sort of, like, minor credibility with, like, younger people.

[21:53] And then it was like, I'm going to go in with this John Travolta, Robin Williams family comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] Well, he's not the only – there's constant – there's a stream of actors that you wonder why they're in this.

[22:04] Amy Sedaris, Louise Guzman.

[22:07] Dex Shepard.

[22:08] Dex Shepard.

[22:09] I mean, that guy's probably got –

[22:10] Was that Justin Long also at the –

[22:11] Justin Long.

[22:12] Matt Dillon.

[22:14] Like, you just wonder why –

[22:16] Kelly Preston.

[22:17] Rita Wilson.

[22:18] Rita Wilson's husband is Tom Hanks.

[22:20] She doesn't need the money that old dogs was paying for.

[22:22] I mean, Colin Hanks probably gives her a fairly good stipend.

Dan McCoy

[22:27] At this point, I don't think she needs a stipend from Colin Hanks.

[22:30] I laughed genuinely at three times in the movie, and they're all just, like, stupid lines provided by Louise Guzman, Dex Shepard, and Justin Long.

[22:41] Yeah, just the side characters.

[22:41] And their individual scene.

[22:42] And as I said during it, it's like they stop by to remind you what jokes were just to, like, crush your spirit more when the rest of the movie happened.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] Oh, we know what a funny joke is.

[22:52] We'll give you one.

[22:53] Yeah.

[22:54] Now you can sit through 45 more minutes of this garbage.

[22:57] Yeah.

[22:57] Oh, well, what other – okay, but I forgot –

[22:59] So you almost forget what it's like to laugh or smile.

Stuart Wellington

[23:03] It's like all joy.

[23:05] That's the thing.

[23:06] Like, afterwards, like, I was looking at a Bazooka Joe comic, and I couldn't even – I didn't even get a snicker out of it.

[23:12] Not even a chortle.

[23:15] Impossible.

Elliott Kalan

[23:15] Not even the faintest shadow of a grin.

[23:18] Even one with Mort?

[23:20] Yep.

[23:20] Mort the dead teenager?

[23:23] What?

[23:23] Formal Marvel Comics character?

Stuart Wellington

[23:24] I was left smearing ashes on my face in mourning.

Elliott Kalan

[23:28] And rending your garments, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:31] I put on a hair shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[23:32] Anyway, their pills get mixed up by the kids, so now Robin Williams is having hallucinations, and John Travolta's face is – he's super hungry, and his face is bizarrely twisted into a malformed smile.

Dan McCoy

[23:47] No, it's a smile-ex-guess smile.

[23:48] It looks exactly like Batman.

[23:50] It looks like the original Tim Burton Batman.

Elliott Kalan

[23:52] But why would that be in this movie?

[23:54] You say that as if – you say that as if – no, come on.

[23:57] It's perfectly logical John Travolta would have a smile-ex-guess Joker smile in Old Dogs.

Dan McCoy

[24:01] No, I say it as if – it's just exactly what it is.

[24:04] But it's how we made this movie.

[24:05] We saw Batman, and they're like, oh, just give us that.

Elliott Kalan

[24:08] But they don't do it with, like, makeup.

[24:10] It's done with computer effects the same way that, like, the Black Hole Sun video was done years ago.

[24:14] It looks really weird.

[24:15] Yeah, it looks a lot like the Black Hole Sun video.

[24:17] And he also breaks up the grieving club that Lori Loughlin has taken him to that Anne Margaret is, for some reason, presiding over.

[24:25] Why Anne Margaret?

[24:25] Like, it doesn't –

[24:26] Yeah.

[24:27] What other adventures do they have?

[24:30] Adventures –

[24:31] Oh, they get the exoskeleton from Bernie Mac, and Robin Williams moves around.

Stuart Wellington

[24:36] It's a lot like Face Off.

[24:39] No, it isn't.

[24:41] John Travolta puts on a weird censor suit, and he's able to control Robin Williams.

[24:47] Yeah.

[24:47] Not unlike Andy Serkis controlling Gollum or being John Malkovich.

Elliott Kalan

[24:53] Or Michael C. Hall controlling those guys in –

[24:56] Gamer.

[24:58] Gamer.

[24:58] Yeah.

[24:59] I kept wanting to call it Surrogates.

[25:01] It's a different movie.

Stuart Wellington

[25:02] But wait a minute.

[25:03] In Surrogates, you did the same thing, right?

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] Yeah, but you were lying prostrate on a bed.

[25:10] Explain the science to me.

[25:12] Oh, well, there's probably a port in their head brain.

[25:14] In their head brain.

[25:15] Yeah, as opposed to the knee brain.

[25:17] So there's that, and then they send Seth Green –

[25:21] These scenes are all about six or seven minutes long, and they whiz by with lots of loud music.

[25:27] I wouldn't say they whiz by.

[25:28] I would say I got whiplash at least four times watching this movie.

Dan McCoy

[25:33] Yeah, but they all seem to take much longer.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] Oh, no.

[25:35] Well, they feel like they take 100,000 years of solitude.

Dan McCoy

[25:39] Seth Green is sent off to Japan.

[25:43] He's going to take point on this, but then he apparently falls under the spell of karaoke and is not –

[25:48] And disappears.

[25:49] Yeah, he disappears.

[25:50] So John Travolta and –

[25:53] Robin Williams.

[25:53] Robin Williams have to go to Japan to salvage this.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] They're going to move to Japan.

Stuart Wellington

[25:57] The problem is that Robin Williams realizes, you know, the thing that's missing in my life is these two kids that I had with this woman.

[26:07] And I've known them for two weeks.

Elliott Kalan

[26:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[26:10] Known them for two weeks, and I figured, you know what?

[26:11] They're awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] And the kids have zero personality.

[26:15] They are boring kids.

[26:16] What are you talking about, Elliot?

Dan McCoy

[26:16] One of them's a boy, and one of them's a girl.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] Well, you're right.

[26:20] Speaking as the boy half of boy-girl twins, boy-girl twins are way more interesting than this movie makes them out to be.

Stuart Wellington

[26:27] I mean, like, I'm glad they didn't put too much effort into, like, the wacky shit that kids do.

[26:33] Because kids aren't really that interested.

[26:35] No, no.

[26:35] But they do say the darnest thing.

[26:36] Sorry, all our kids listeners out there.

Elliott Kalan

[26:38] Sorry, juniors.

[26:39] Sorry, Flophouse junior commandos.

[26:42] Your Dakota rings are in the mail.

Dan McCoy

[26:44] They're not really.

[26:46] But Robin Williams throws the big meeting.

Elliott Kalan

[26:50] Well, he meets up with the family and says, I'm sorry, I have to move to Japan.

[26:53] They are heartbroken.

Stuart Wellington

[26:55] Oh, yeah, because they really like this dude.

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] They really love him after two weeks.

Stuart Wellington

[26:58] Yeah, he's like a Mrs. Doubtfire type character.

Dan McCoy

[27:01] I mean, he gets tan, he wears outfits.

[27:04] I mean, he's got everything.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] He screws up everything.

[27:06] He complains about everything.

Stuart Wellington

[27:08] And he's probably significantly wealthier than they are.

[27:11] I have to assume so.

Elliott Kalan

[27:13] They go to Japan.

[27:14] Yeah, he sees a video of them at an amusement park while he's supposed to give his big presentation to the Japanese bosses.

Dan McCoy

[27:20] Yeah, like his computer's trying to tell him something.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] He and John Travolta have the...

Dan McCoy

[27:24] Like his computer wore tennis shoes.

Elliott Kalan

[27:27] Yeah, that's exactly what it was like.

[27:33] But anyway.

[27:34] It's like a comp USA.

[27:35] John Travolta and Rob Williams have the end of act two fight between the two friends.

[27:42] That puts them in different directions.

[27:43] John Travolta finds that his dog has died.

[27:48] And Rob Williams shows up at the very elaborate dog funeral that he has thrown.

[27:54] With all those dog buddies.

[27:55] Yeah, there are a lot of dogs there.

[27:56] Yeah, there are a lot of dogs there.

[27:57] They make up after the breakup.

[27:59] And then they decide to go shake up that family by making Rob Williams a part of it again.

[28:05] And make some shake and bake.

[28:06] Which involves them and Seth Green for lord knows what reason.

[28:09] Breaking into a zoo.

[28:11] Seth Green is...

[28:12] It's implied raped by a gorilla.

[28:15] John Travolta is attacked by penguins.

[28:18] And Robin Williams straps on a sort of jet pack and flies over to where the kids are.

Dan McCoy

[28:23] Wearing like a Super Dave Osborne.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] Yeah, like a patriotic jumpsuit with a helmet.

Dan McCoy

[28:27] So what you're saying is this is like a...

Elliott Kalan

[28:29] It's a seamless movie.

Dan McCoy

[28:31] I'm saying it's seamless plotting.

[28:32] This is like a John Waters, you know, absurd, surrealist...

Stuart Wellington

[28:37] It's a very Almodovar film.

[28:39] Right.

[28:39] Well, the thing is, it's like this whole movie.

[28:42] It has all these little elements.

[28:43] And they all build up to this magnificent crescendo at the end of the movie.

[28:47] Oh, yeah.

[28:47] It's like a piece of fine clockwork.

[28:50] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[28:51] Everything meshes together.

[28:52] Oh, beautiful film.

[28:52] It's like a watch.

[28:55] Well, that would be an example of clockwork.

[28:58] Yeah, okay.

[29:00] Like an orange?

[29:00] So it all ends happily, I guess.

[29:03] Except for us, who watched...

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] And then at the end, they...

[29:08] I guess they have a boat.

[29:09] You find out they're all successful or something.

[29:11] They're all successful and happy and they get on a boat.

Dan McCoy

[29:13] One year later, John Travolta has a boat and he's married to Lori Loughlin.

[29:17] And they have a baby.

Elliott Kalan

[29:18] That's it.

[29:18] I thought that was Robin Williams' boat.

[29:20] It's one of their...

[29:21] Listen, they co-own everything.

[29:23] Yeah.

[29:23] They share their wives and children alike.

Dan McCoy

[29:25] Oh, man.

[29:26] Like at a key party?

[29:28] Yeah.

[29:29] They're crypto-gay partners.

[29:29] They're like Chang and Eng.

[29:31] And they've got a polyamorous relationship.

[29:34] And they switch off every month.

[29:37] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[29:38] Yeah.

[29:38] They just really make it work together.

[29:39] Sounds kind of hot.

[29:40] Well, it keeps things new.

Stuart Wellington

[29:41] Well, Robin Williams and John Travolta are involved, so it's not that hot.

[29:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:45] He's got that tattoo, though, right?

[29:47] That makes him kind of badass.

[29:48] Yeah.

[29:48] That says Fremont.

[29:50] It's weird because they make a big point of how they open his shirt to give him the tattoo

[29:54] and he's really got a hairy chest, so I have to shave his chest to put the tattoo on.

[29:58] And I guess the tattoo deadened the hair follicles because they never grow back.

[30:03] Yeah.

[30:03] That's science.

[30:03] Yeah.

[30:04] Super science.

[30:07] So, um...

[30:08] So, what...

[30:09] This was a well-made film.

Dan McCoy

[30:10] Yeah.

[30:11] You learned something interesting about this...

[30:14] Conrad Hall.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Oh, yeah.

[30:16] Conrad Hall's work was all over this.

[30:18] You learned...

[30:19] I think they brought in...

[30:20] I think they brought in Tech Fujimoto to...

Dan McCoy

[30:22] I've never seen an uglier movie in the way it's shot.

[30:25] But you learned something interesting about this on the internet, Elliot.

[30:28] And why don't you share that trivia with us?

Elliott Kalan

[30:29] What about how it was originally meant to be?

[30:31] Yeah.

[30:32] According to Wikipedia, I think...

[30:36] No, according to IMDb.

[30:38] So, take it with a grain of salt.

[30:39] But I believe it.

[30:40] This was meant to be a comedy for adults at one point to be released via the Touchstone imprint of Walt Disney or Touchstone Division that test audiences hated it so much.

[30:52] It was an R-rated movie.

[30:53] And an R-rated movie, it says.

[30:54] And that test audiences hated it so much that it was cut down from like 107 minutes or 117 minutes to 88 minutes to get a PG rating and to release it for kids.

[31:07] But it makes a little bit of sense that this would have been an adult comedy because there's so much in it that is like the two of them complaining about the ailments they have as they get older.

[31:17] The kids don't come into the movie for like 20 minutes.

[31:21] And that 20 minutes, so much of it is the story of Robin Williams and John Travolta getting drunk in Miami and having a whirlwind, like a one-night stand wedding.

[31:31] Like there are a lot of –

Stuart Wellington

[31:32] Like two men who have like a great like aching hole in their lives and they need to fill it whichever way they can.

[31:38] Kind of.

[31:39] Through collecting curios and sleeping with underage women or in the case of Robin Williams, I guess, being –

[31:46] Being a dad?

[31:47] Being a dad.

[31:47] Yeah, like being a dad.

Elliott Kalan

[31:49] But there's also – like there's a joke where John Travolta is talking to the kids and he's like – he says something about casinos.

[31:56] Like you ever been to a casino?

[31:57] And they're like, no.

[31:58] And he goes, well, you ever seen the movie Casino?

[31:59] And they go, no.

[32:00] And to get why that is supposed to be a joke, you have to know that Casino is not an appropriate movie for kids to have watched.

[32:07] Right.

[32:07] But if the joke – if there's any reality to that joke, then the child audience of this movie doesn't know what Casino is, wouldn't get the joke.

Stuart Wellington

[32:15] And then like right after he makes a comment about – he's like, hey, these kids have never seen Friday the 13th part one and or two.

[32:23] And you're like, oh my god, I can't believe it.

[32:25] And later on they're watching a Friday the 13th movie, not even one of the first two movies.

[32:29] Yeah.

[32:29] It's infuriating.

[32:30] That's a very – that's also a very –

[32:32] As a J fan –

[32:33] I mean that's a plot hole, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:34] Yeah.

[32:34] As a line of dialogue, that's also strange too because like why does he stop there?

[32:38] Like it seems like he would be like – he would either say these kids have never seen Friday the 13th or these kids have never seen a Friday the 13th movie.

[32:47] But he singles out the first two specifically.

Elliott Kalan

[32:48] Well, he feels like the hockey mask was really what made that series go downhill.

[32:53] He loved when Mrs. Voorhees was the killer.

[32:55] Spoiler alert.

[32:56] He loved bag head Jason.

[32:57] Right.

[32:58] Did not like the hockey mask.

[33:00] And I – even when – even taking Manhattan was not enough for him to like Jason again.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:06] Even going to space.

[33:08] Or hell.

[33:09] Or going bananas.

Dan McCoy

[33:11] Friday the 13th, 17, Jason goes bananas.

[33:14] Or being in Monte Carlo, which is also another Herbie reference.

[33:18] See guys, I can play too.

[33:20] Let's –

[33:20] Yeah, yeah.

[33:20] That's great.

[33:21] Anyway, so –

[33:22] Herbie, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[33:23] I wish there was a Friday the 13th, Jason in love.

[33:28] That'd be pretty.

[33:29] Who'd he be in love with?

[33:30] A girl.

[33:31] Or a guy.

[33:31] It's 21st century.

[33:32] Who knows?

[33:33] Okay.

[33:33] They can get married in California.

[33:34] Or a Smurf.

[33:35] Maybe like that.

[33:36] Or a Smurf.

[33:36] Yeah.

[33:37] It's a Smurfs crossover.

[33:38] Well, here's something I'd like to –

[33:40] Like an umpire or some other sports –

[33:41] Here's something I'd like to talk about.

[33:43] You're a umpire.

[33:44] I've pitched successful films before.

[33:46] We all remember how I pitched Ziggy and it went on to be a number one film.

[33:49] Sure.

[33:50] Make over $700 million worldwide.

[33:51] Okay.

[33:52] I don't remember that, but go on.

[33:53] I've been trying to get the idea of film crossovers off the ground for a while.

[33:57] For instance, Short Circuit 3 slash Terminator 5.

Stuart Wellington

[34:02] World's not ready for it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] World is very ready for it.

[34:05] Okay.

[34:05] Or say Rocky –

Stuart Wellington

[34:07] Who's going to be Johnny 5?

[34:09] Justin Bieber.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] It's Justin Bieber in a cardboard box.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] Yeah.

[34:13] Going beep, beep, boop, boos.

Elliott Kalan

[34:15] All his dialogue has turned into beep, beep, boop, boop.

Stuart Wellington

[34:18] And all of his stunts would be performed by Amanda Bynes from She's the Man.

Elliott Kalan

[34:22] I don't know – Amanda Bynes is not a stuntman.

[34:24] I don't know why she would do that.

Dan McCoy

[34:25] Guys, by the way, she came back to acting after briefly retiring.

[34:31] So I know you guys were worried when she retired from acting for a week.

[34:34] Justin Bieber?

[34:35] Amanda Bynes.

[34:36] Oh.

[34:37] Amanda Bieber.

Elliott Kalan

[34:38] Amanda Bieber?

[34:39] Justin Bynes.

[34:40] Bieber bobo.

[34:41] Why can't I find Amanda Bieber?

[34:43] Anyway.

[34:44] Come on down to Justin Bieber's.

[34:47] The best place for beepers, cellular telephones, and so forth.

[34:52] That would be a business I would start.

[34:55] Well, you've got to strike while the audience happens.

[34:57] Well, I guess I'll work on my film crossovers pitch.

[35:00] I'm trying to get Rocky 6, Rambo 5 off the ground also.

[35:03] Sure.

[35:04] Rocky and Rambo finally together.

Dan McCoy

[35:06] So wait, what brought this up, the crossovers?

Elliott Kalan

[35:09] The Smurfs and – well, Jason Borghese being in love with the Smurf.

Dan McCoy

[35:13] By the way, but this is interesting.

[35:15] And riding around in Herbie all the time.

[35:17] This R-rated thing, like this was like – that makes this the modern Kangaroo Jack, which

[35:22] was also like supposed to be an R-rated like action comedy.

[35:25] And then they're like, oh, all people care about is a rapping kangaroo.

[35:28] Let's make it into a children's film.

[35:29] Let's cut out all the swearing.

[35:30] Yeah.

[35:30] And we'll let's advertise the film as if it's about a rapping kangaroo.

Elliott Kalan

[35:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:34] But that was a success.

[35:35] Like that movie, like it worked.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] You know why that was a success?

[35:38] Because the advertising lied and made people think it was about a talking, rapping kangaroo.

[35:42] Yeah.

[35:43] Which everyone wants to see.

[35:44] Every single shot almost in the commercials was from the same like five-minute section

[35:49] of the film.

[35:51] Brilliant.

[35:51] I cannot imagine how disappointed the children must have been to watch the movie and –

Stuart Wellington

[35:55] Where's the kangaroo?

[35:57] When is Jack going to get there?

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] I find David Wenham to be irritating.

[36:03] I'm glad Jerry O'Connell lost the weight, but still.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] He seems smug.

Elliott Kalan

[36:10] But yeah, this was meant to be a different movie.

[36:13] It was still going to be a bad movie, I assume.

[36:14] This is not –

[36:15] What, kangaroo Jack?

[36:17] Because I will fight you, sir.

[36:19] Old dogs.

[36:20] This is not –

[36:21] Oh, the movie was –

[36:21] This is not The Magnificent Eversons, where a masterpiece was –

[36:25] It almost –

[36:26] Almost was spoiled, you know.

Dan McCoy

[36:28] It almost feels like you can't get angry at this movie.

[36:33] Wrong.

[36:35] No, for –

[36:36] For –

[36:38] Like, you can't object to individual things in it that don't make sense just because the

[36:42] whole movie doesn't make sense.

[36:44] I was going to –

[36:45] Well, no.

Elliott Kalan

[36:45] It is, as a whole, a completely bad movie.

[36:47] It is.

Dan McCoy

[36:48] Yeah.

[36:48] It is of a piece.

Elliott Kalan

[36:49] But –

[36:50] Yes.

[36:50] In that way, it may be a perfect work of art.

Dan McCoy

[36:53] I was going to complain, for instance, that like, okay, there's a scene where like

[36:58] all of the pills get dropped into the sink, and so they all get mixed up, so he's taking

[37:04] the wrong pills on the wrong day, and he ends up like hallucinating things.

[37:08] I'm like –

[37:08] Yeah.

[37:09] There are no medicines where that would actually be what happens when the –

[37:13] Well, you don't know what kind of combinations come from.

[37:15] Au contraire.

[37:15] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[37:17] I don't actually –

[37:18] I think there are – there might be medicines that cause hallucinations, but I don't know.

[37:21] Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it'd be like medicine so much as like some kind of a recreational

[37:28] drug.

Dan McCoy

[37:29] Mm-hmm.

[37:29] Well, I guess that's what we – you know, is not spelled out, but is implicit.

Stuart Wellington

[37:34] It was not unlike when a movie features a scene where characters take like drugs, like maybe

[37:42] smoke weed, or eat like pot brownies, and the scene is clearly written or directed by somebody

[37:47] who has never done those things.

[37:49] Right.

[37:50] So they just make it the craziest possible.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] So they start hallucinating and seeing things that aren't there.

Stuart Wellington

[37:54] It's like Transformers 2, The Rise of Cobra.

[37:57] Attack of the Clones.

Elliott Kalan

[38:00] Both going for the same joke as things like that.

[38:02] Go through any different directions.

[38:04] Is there a scene like that in Transformers 2 breaking Boogaloo?

Dan McCoy

[38:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:10] The most famous subtitle ever.

[38:13] I got it wrong.

[38:13] I'm just doing it up.

[38:14] It was before they discovered the secret of the ooze, I think.

[38:17] Was it another stakeout?

Elliott Kalan

[38:19] It was through the porthole of time.

[38:22] Through the porthole of time.

[38:25] Not the portal of time.

[38:26] The porthole of time.

[38:28] We're in the time boat.

[38:29] We're on a cruise.

[38:32] We're on a cruise that goes around the Caribbean and through time.

[38:36] We'll only be going through the porthole.

[38:39] We'll stay on the boat.

[38:40] The captain asked me to give you a quick word of advice about your cabin.

[38:44] You are the one cabin that has the porthole of time.

[38:47] Please don't go through it.

[38:48] Because you'll end up in time.

[38:51] Otherwise, enjoy it.

[38:53] We've got the spa on deck two.

[38:56] Shuffle.

[38:56] You know what?

[38:57] Here's two free spa coupons.

[38:59] Just don't open the porthole of time, please.

Dan McCoy

[39:01] I cannot emphasize this enough.

[39:02] Do not go through the porthole of time.

Elliott Kalan

[39:04] Let me just tell you that again.

[39:05] I don't know why you'd go through a porthole at all.

[39:09] There's so much to do on the ship.

[39:10] I don't know why you'd try to leave it.

[39:12] But just this particular porthole.

[39:14] They have buffets on the ship.

[39:15] Midnight buffet every night.

[39:17] And you don't have to stay up late.

[39:19] An adult only dance.

[39:19] Because it starts at 11.

Dan McCoy

[39:20] If you do happen to fall out of the porthole of time.

[39:23] Do not step on a butterfly.

[39:26] Please do not drop any shuffleboard equipment in the...

Elliott Kalan

[39:29] That might crush a butterfly.

Dan McCoy

[39:30] It would change the history.

Elliott Kalan

[39:33] Let me just tell you this.

[39:34] Enjoy our buffets.

[39:35] Don't mess with the portholes in general.

[39:37] Time or not.

[39:38] You know what?

[39:39] I'll make an announcement to the whole ship.

[39:40] Just stay away from the portholes.

[39:41] Don't open them.

[39:42] Don't worry about it.

[39:45] Listen, we've got a whole mall on the ship.

[39:47] There's a pool.

[39:48] Why are you investigating the windows?

[39:51] Again with the portholes.

[39:53] Don't you worry about the breeze?

[39:54] It's air conditioned.

[39:56] Just turn up the thermostat or down in the cabin.

[39:59] Yeah.

[40:00] Anyway, so see you tonight at the karaoke dinner.

[40:04] On the Lido deck.

[40:07] If you have any questions, I am, again, the purser.

Stuart Wellington

[40:13] The bosun.

[40:15] I recommend the veal.

[40:17] I take him up on that off.

[40:18] You'll find him in the folksle.

Dan McCoy

[40:22] On the poop deck.

[40:24] A stern.

[40:26] And don't go up in the crow's nest.

[40:28] Stand of the rigging.

Stuart Wellington

[40:31] If you need to go ashore, the coxswain will...

Elliott Kalan

[40:35] We're on a boat.

[40:38] You don't have a lot of time.

[40:39] You tend to shorten words.

[40:42] So, even the poor whole of time, we call it the poor time.

[40:46] So, if you could just stay away from the poor time, that would be wonderful.

[40:50] Well, on that note...

[40:51] No soap?

[40:51] What the fuck were you talking about?

[40:52] I'll talk.

[40:53] We'll get...

[40:53] There should be soap in the bathroom.

[40:55] If there's not, I'll get it for you now.

[40:57] Towel...

[40:57] No, towels are in the closet right here.

[41:00] Okay, great.

[41:01] The soap?

[41:01] I don't know why that is.

[41:02] I'll check it.

[41:03] Well, people tend to stay out of this cabin.

[41:04] We try not to book it, because again, the poor whole of time.

[41:07] So, maybe they just didn't refill the bathroom last time, because there was no one staying

[41:11] in this cabin on the ship.

[41:14] Then I'll get it for you.

[41:16] Well, now that that...

[41:17] Thank you.

[41:17] Oh, very generous, sir.

[41:18] Thank you.

[41:18] That's, again, not necessary, but very much appreciated.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] Now that that bit of theater is over...

[41:24] That was a tip at the end.

[41:25] I understand.

[41:27] We're going to go back in and do the...

Elliott Kalan

[41:29] That's from my one-man show, poor whole of time.

Stuart Wellington

[41:30] We're going to do the sound effect.

[41:31] Go back in and put the sound effects in afterwards.

[41:33] Yeah.

[41:34] Caw, caw, caw.

[41:37] You can just go back and edit and loop those.

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:44] That'll be great.

[41:45] Layer it.

[41:46] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[41:47] Layers.

[41:47] Put layers in there.

[41:49] Stereo.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] Multi-track.

Dan McCoy

[41:51] I'll put one on the left channel and one on the right channel.

[41:54] That'd be great.

Elliott Kalan

[41:55] So, it's like it's going through your head.

[41:56] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] And then I'll switch them.

[41:58] That's how humans hear things.

[41:59] It's like...

[42:00] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[42:05] Now that we've wasted all that time, it's time for Final Judgments.

[42:09] Final Judgments.

[42:12] So, is this a good, bad movie?

[42:14] Listen.

[42:14] Bad, bad movie?

[42:14] We know what kind of movie this is.

[42:17] It's a terrible movie.

[42:18] It's a bad...

[42:19] It's a really...

[42:20] No enjoyment to be had.

[42:21] Yeah.

[42:22] This may be...

[42:23] This may be the worst movie that we've watched.

Stuart Wellington

[42:25] I hope whoever's listening has already turned off our podcast.

Dan McCoy

[42:30] Like, if they made it this far...

[42:31] And run out to the store to rent all dogs.

[42:34] They've thrown their iPod through the porthole of time.

Elliott Kalan

[42:38] Walk, don't run, to your local video store and burn it to the ground to stop someone from watching old dogs.

[42:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:46] Ugh.

[42:47] Order it from Netflix and then snap it in half.

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] It is richly deserved its one-star rating on Netflix.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] Tell them you...

[42:53] Tell them it was lost.

[42:55] But to tell them...

[42:56] Do not replace...

[42:57] That it should not be replaced.

Elliott Kalan

[43:00] Okay, well...

[43:01] Call your congressman.

[43:02] Ask him to do something about old dogs.

Dan McCoy

[43:04] Now that that's been dispensed with...

[43:07] We can announce the winner of our Flophouse contest.

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] Winner.

[43:14] Most impressive.

[43:16] Flawless victory.

[43:18] Finish.

[43:19] No, what?

Stuart Wellington

[43:20] That comes before the other stuff.

[43:22] Okay.

[43:23] Anyway...

[43:24] Send it through the porthole.

[43:25] Yeah, you say that before you perform the babality to a baby.

[43:28] Or the friendship.

[43:29] Or the friendship.

[43:31] Bake him a cake or give him a present.

[43:33] No, you always do the babality.

[43:34] It's way more hilarious.

Dan McCoy

[43:35] So, um...

[43:37] So this, again, was the contest where the prize is to get to choose what movie we review.

[43:45] You make the call.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] And it can't be old dogs.

[43:49] Because we watched it.

[43:50] Because we will invalidate the contest.

Dan McCoy

[43:53] Now, we won't be reviewing it on the next episode because Elliot is getting married.

[43:57] But as soon as we can all get back together, we will review it.

[44:01] Oh, you're going to do one when I'm out of town?

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] No, I thought we were going to do one on Sunday night.

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] Oh, you mean the Sunday night I'm getting married on?

[44:08] Yeah.

[44:08] Yeah, I'll just take a break from the reception.

Stuart Wellington

[44:10] Dude, just get her really drunk.

[44:12] She'll pass out.

[44:13] Okay?

[44:13] This is the plan.

[44:14] She'll pass out.

[44:15] Terrible plan.

[44:15] We put in the DVD.

[44:16] We'll bring a portable DVD player.

[44:18] Terrible plan.

[44:18] We'll cluster around it.

Dan McCoy

[44:20] Guys, everyone who's entered is now so frustrated that I have not actually named the winner yet.

[44:25] Well, we're talking about my wedding.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] Okay, so it's Sunday, August 29th.

Stuart Wellington

[44:29] Okay.

[44:30] I'll bring a portable DVD player.

[44:32] Okay.

[44:32] We'll pop in whatever flick we're going to watch.

[44:35] Or film.

Dan McCoy

[44:36] Okay.

[44:36] Elliot and I will be in tuxedos.

[44:38] So that'll be a classier version.

Elliott Kalan

[44:40] Well, Oxford English walking suits.

[44:45] I'll be wearing a swimsuit or...

[44:47] You'll be wearing a running suit.

[44:48] Yeah.

[44:49] Yeah, a track suit.

[44:50] A velour track suit.

[44:52] Anyway, you were saying the winner of this contest?

[44:53] The winner is...

[44:54] Wait, which...

[44:55] Should we say which contest this was and how people would win it?

Dan McCoy

[44:57] I already said what the prize was.

[45:02] The entry was to review us on iTunes.

Elliott Kalan

[45:05] And everyone did a great job.

Dan McCoy

[45:06] Yep.

[45:07] I read...

Elliott Kalan

[45:08] A lot of fantastic reviews.

Dan McCoy

[45:09] I read the reviews aloud to Elliot and...

[45:11] Because I am blind.

Stuart Wellington

[45:13] There were some good critiques, you know.

[45:15] There were some tough moments reading over that.

Elliott Kalan

[45:17] I did not appreciate being called fussy in one of them.

[45:20] Sure.

[45:21] But otherwise, that review was spot on.

[45:23] I think that was the one that mentioned noises made with people's mouths.

[45:26] Yeah.

[45:27] Or songs from people's mouths.

[45:28] And also, one of the reviews mentioned that we enjoy lists of words that sound like other words.

[45:33] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[45:34] So, two for two.

[45:35] Yeah, yep.

[45:36] Very accurate.

[45:37] So, a lot of good reviews.

Elliott Kalan

[45:38] And keep them coming.

[45:39] Even though this contest is over, we'd still appreciate you writing reviews for us.

[45:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:42] We just...

[45:43] This last month, we just surpassed 50,000 downloads over the course of all of the episodes.

[45:49] Woo!

Elliott Kalan

[45:51] And we got a dollar for every one of those downloads.

[45:53] No, we didn't get any money.

[45:54] What?

Dan McCoy

[45:54] But that's still...

[45:57] I mean, considering that we've been doing this for almost three years now, it still seems shamefully low to me.

[46:02] So, I appreciate all the support, but go out and spread the gospel, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[46:07] Yeah.

[46:07] Well, I don't find it shamefully low, but we can always go higher.

[46:13] Yeah.

[46:13] So, let's make it happen, team.

Dan McCoy

[46:16] Team Vlob House.

[46:17] Wait, have people been listening to these?

[46:18] Okay.

[46:18] We have delayed this.

[46:19] So, who is the winner?

[46:21] The winner of the contest is the gentleman...

Stuart Wellington

[46:24] General...

[46:25] General.

Dan McCoy

[46:26] ...who gave a review under the name Handsome Jag.

[46:31] So, Handsome Jag.

Elliott Kalan

[46:32] Clearly a fan of the television program Jag.

[46:34] And not only a fan, but a handsome fan of the television program Jag.

[46:38] Starring...

[46:38] Jag?

[46:40] Mark Garment.

[46:40] Yes, Jag.

Dan McCoy

[46:42] So, uh...

[46:43] Starring a Jaguar.

[46:45] Handsome Jag, if you're out there, please send an email to theflophousepodcast at gmail.com

[46:53] to claim your prize.

[46:55] Now, um...

[46:57] We ask that you, uh...

[46:58] You choose a movie for us to review that is available on Netflix, so we can actually, uh...

[47:02] Access it easily.

[47:04] And we encourage you to pick an older movie.

[47:07] Pick some from the 80s.

[47:08] You know, because we do newer movies, so it would be a nice change of pace if you choose

[47:12] an older film.

[47:13] And, uh...

[47:14] You know...

[47:14] Something from the 30s.

[47:15] If you find any...

[47:15] You should pick, like, Twin Sitters or something.

[47:17] Yeah.

[47:17] If you find it in your heart...

[47:18] You should pick Twin Sitters.

[47:19] If you find it in your heart, choose a good, bad movie.

[47:22] Like Twin Sitters.

[47:22] Just for a change.

[47:24] Twin Sitters is fantastic.

[47:26] It's the Barbarian Brothers masterpiece.

[47:28] Um, so Handsome Jag, please get...

[47:30] It's called a blaster piece.

[47:33] Or...

[47:33] It's a shasta piece.

Elliott Kalan

[47:36] Well, it blasts you out of your movie watching scene.

[47:38] I thought now think the show Jag would have been better if it was about a Jaguar that accidentally

[47:45] got sent to the Navy.

Stuart Wellington

[47:47] Okay.

[47:47] And is on a ship.

[47:49] And what is, like, uh...

[47:50] Like, is a drill instructor be...

[47:52] Solstice crime, right?

[47:53] Be a Puma?

[47:54] Yeah.

[47:55] A Puma wearing, like, a Navy suit?

[47:57] Yes, exactly.

[47:58] Sorry, Puma?

[47:59] Yeah.

[47:59] And then, like, uh...

[48:00] There'd be, like, uh...

[48:01] Uh...

[48:01] Ocelot.

[48:02] An ocelot.

[48:03] Yep.

[48:03] There'd be a bobcat.

[48:04] Okay.

[48:04] Mountain lion.

[48:06] A cloger.

Elliott Kalan

[48:07] As long as we're mispronouncing the names of large cats.

[48:11] A t-gear.

[48:13] A lion.

Dan McCoy

[48:15] Yep.

[48:16] Those are all words.

[48:17] Anyway, let's move on.

[48:18] A panda, not a cat.

[48:19] Yeah, what else are we doing here?

[48:20] To our film recommendations.

[48:21] Films that you should watch instead of old dogs.

[48:24] Oh, yeah.

[48:25] Something that you saw and enjoyed.

[48:25] Well, if you have the chance...

Elliott Kalan

[48:26] If you can watch anything instead of old dogs.

[48:28] Yeah.

[48:29] That's our recommendation.

[48:29] If you have the option of turning your head slightly away from the screen...

[48:33] Look out the window.

[48:34] Do so.

[48:35] Yeah.

[48:35] Or stare at the floor.

[48:37] Stare into space.

[48:38] Look at anything.

[48:38] Well, stare at the floor.

[48:39] Appreciate the craftsmanship that went into the construction of your building.

[48:41] Close your eyes and enjoy the sensory deprivation.

[48:44] Enjoy the flashes of color that happen when you close your eyes.

[48:48] Or, like, close your eyes and push on your eyes with your fingers.

Stuart Wellington

[48:51] Don't do it for too long, though.

[48:53] Well, yeah.

[48:53] I'm not suggesting people blind themselves.

[48:56] Well, if they're watching old dogs, yes, I would suggest that.

[48:57] I mean, that's a sensible...

Dan McCoy

[48:59] The Flophouse lawyers insist that we make that disclaimer.

Elliott Kalan

[49:03] The Flophouse lawyers...

[49:04] Do we...

[49:06] I can't remember the name, that joke that they do on Car Talk every week.

[49:09] Do we cheat them and how?

[49:10] Yeah, do we cheat them and how?

[49:11] We use the same lawyers as the guys at Car Talk.

[49:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:13] Everyone on the radio knows.

[49:15] They get a lot more work from the Car Talk guys.

Elliott Kalan

[49:17] Yeah, well, because those guys are criminals.

[49:20] A lot of illegitimate children.

Dan McCoy

[49:21] Well, they're going to get a lot of work from us now for the libel statements you just made.

[49:26] But, Elliot, what do you...

Elliott Kalan

[49:27] In the case of Frick and Frack vs. V the Flophouse?

Dan McCoy

[49:29] What did you see recently that you enjoyed?

Elliott Kalan

[49:32] Recently, a movie that I watched many years ago as a young child, but watched again...

[49:37] Howard Duck.

[49:37] I did watch that years ago as a young child, but that I just watched again recently was the hit film Capricorn 1.

[49:45] Which many people may remember as having an all-star cast of James Brolin, O.J. Simpson, Sam Watterson, Hal Hallbrook, Elliot Gould.

[49:55] And it's a movie from the 70s about a...

[49:59] I think it's the late 70s.

[50:01] About a...

[50:02] The first manned mission to Mars is coming up.

[50:04] But there's a problem with the spacecraft.

[50:07] So, it should be called off.

[50:09] But the head of the space agency, Hal Hallbrook, is worried that if there's another screw-up, the budget's going to get cut.

[50:14] So, instead, they fake the Mars landing on a soundstage.

[50:18] And there's a whole big conspiracy.

[50:20] The astronauts are not into it.

[50:22] So, they're going to have to be killed, but they escape.

[50:24] Elliot Gould is a reporter who gets on the case.

[50:27] And it's not a really great movie.

[50:29] And the kind of suspense action scenes are not particularly well done.

[50:33] But there are a lot of good dialogue scenes between Elliot Gould and different small supporting characters.

[50:39] And, like, Telly Savalos has a very funny scene at the end that comes kind of out of nowhere.

[50:43] Right before the climactic helicopters versus crop duster flight battle.

[50:49] But...

[50:50] But it's this kind of movie that's kind of like a fairly passable kind of conspiracy thriller of the 70s with this ludicrous plot.

[51:00] But there's a lot of good, like, funny scenes that are well written.

[51:04] And it's almost like the writer who is working on it was like,

[51:06] I'll do this plot.

[51:07] But you know what?

[51:08] I'm going to throw in, like, some, like, funny scenes that are not really related to what's going on.

[51:12] But the characters are really, like, sharp and funny in those moments.

[51:16] So, it's a little long as a movie.

[51:19] It's like two hours, but it shouldn't be that long.

[51:21] But it's a fun movie to watch.

Dan McCoy

[51:22] Well, speaking of conspiracy thrillers, I'm going to recommend...

Elliott Kalan

[51:25] Oh, you also see James Rowland slid open a snake and eat its belly.

[51:28] Okay.

[51:29] You're saying?

Dan McCoy

[51:31] No, I'm going to also recommend a thriller, Roman Polanski's The Ghost Writer, which...

Elliott Kalan

[51:38] Based on the PBS children's show, the same name.

[51:40] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[51:42] Nicholas Cage is in that, right?

[51:44] You're thinking of Ghost Writer, based on the Marvel Comics character.

Elliott Kalan

[51:47] Demi Moore's in that, though, right?

Dan McCoy

[51:49] No, you're thinking of something I'm not sure what you're thinking of.

Elliott Kalan

[51:53] The one where Patrick Swayze's in it?

[51:54] Oh, Ghost, you're thinking of.

[51:55] Oh, that's right.

[51:56] Bill Murray's in it?

Dan McCoy

[51:58] No, you're thinking of Groundhogs.

[52:00] The old switcheroo.

[52:02] Bill Cosby?

[52:03] Ghost Dad.

[52:04] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[52:05] Actually, I was thinking of Leonard Part 6.

[52:07] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] Really?

[52:09] I don't think anyone else is thinking about that movie.

[52:10] Oh, all the time I think about it.

[52:11] Now that's the even older switcheroo.

[52:13] You're all the same switcheroo.

[52:16] No, Ghost Writer is a good thriller of a kind that they don't make anymore.

[52:22] Good.

[52:22] I think that thrillers may be the genre that modern Hollywood has forgotten the most how to make

[52:29] because they're all based on stupid twists nowadays.

[52:33] But this is a much more sort of old style.

[52:35] So it's got a good twist?

[52:36] It's cocky and thrill it.

[52:38] There's stuff in it that you could maybe consider a twist, but it all makes sense.

[52:41] The twist is that it's a good movie.

[52:43] Is the guy a ghost the whole movie?

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] Or is he from out?

[52:46] He's an alien.

[52:47] The twist is that he is a writer the whole movie.

[52:50] But wait, the title says that.

[52:52] Yeah, but you think it's a different guy.

[52:53] Oh.

[52:54] The twist is that he didn't actually use a ghost writer.

[52:56] He wrote the book himself.

Dan McCoy

[52:58] Oh.

[52:59] But he has some great performances from...

Elliott Kalan

[53:01] Chubby Checker.

[53:03] From...

[53:03] Little Richard.

[53:04] From...

Dan McCoy

[53:05] Shit, I can't remember the main guy.

[53:08] Ewan McGregor.

Stuart Wellington

[53:09] I couldn't remember his name for a second.

[53:11] Oh, yeah.

[53:11] Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[53:12] Yeah.

[53:13] But better.

[53:13] And Pierce Brosnan's in it too, right?

[53:14] Oh, James Bond.

Dan McCoy

[53:15] Who I like pretty much whenever he's not playing James Bond.

[53:21] Olivia Williams is very good in it.

[53:23] Kim Cattrall is not good in it.

[53:24] But Jim Belushi is surprisingly good in a very small role in a completely dramatic turn.

[53:30] Star of Canine.

[53:31] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[53:32] And what?

[53:33] Taking Care of Business?

[53:34] Was that the...

[53:35] Okay, well...

Elliott Kalan

[53:35] Which one was it?

[53:36] I don't remember that one.

Stuart Wellington

[53:36] I'm going to pass it along to Stuart.

[53:38] I don't have anything else to say.

[53:38] It sounds like the name of a Jim Belushi movie, though.

[53:41] I am going to recommend a contemporary film.

[53:44] A modern film.

[53:47] A modern film.

Elliott Kalan

[53:47] As opposed to the one that Dan mentioned, which was released earlier this year, so it's

[53:51] therefore not contemporary.

Stuart Wellington

[53:53] I'm going to recommend a movie called Bronson, starring fan favorite Tom Hardy.

[54:02] Fans of Inception.

[54:03] Yeah, fans of Inception.

[54:04] And of the movie Bronson.

[54:07] And it's a biopic about...

[54:10] Charles Bronson.

[54:11] About Charles Manson.

[54:14] It's about Britain's most violent criminal.

[54:20] A guy who...

[54:22] This larger-than-life personality who...

[54:25] And it's...

Dan McCoy

[54:26] It tells a story...

[54:28] Inspiration for then-came Bronson.

Stuart Wellington

[54:29] In many ways, it's kind of filtered through his own perception of his life.

[54:37] And he...

[54:38] It's basically just a story about a guy who lives for the moment that the guards break down his cell door and he just starts fighting him.

[54:48] And there's this really great scene where he strips down completely naked and starts smearing Vaseline all over himself so he can better avoid the grasp of the guards when they beat him up.

[54:58] And it's really hilarious.

[55:00] So, yeah, watching...

[55:01] That happened to Bronson Pinchot?

[55:02] Yes.

[55:03] It was when they were filming Second Sight with John Larroquette.

[55:07] Bronson Pinchot, he was so...

[55:09] Like, he'd been doing so many drugs.

[55:11] Yeah, because he was trying to...

[55:12] Like, he was balancing his perfect stranger's career.

Elliott Kalan

[55:14] I thought that happened behind the scenes of Mego, the sitcom where he was an alien who befriended a little kid.

Stuart Wellington

[55:18] Wait, he was a Mego?

[55:20] Not an action figure.

[55:22] Not a fungi from Mewgoth?

Dan McCoy

[55:25] All right.

[55:25] So, since these words...

[55:27] Lovecraft joke.

[55:28] Since these words...

[55:29] Might as well be gibberish to me.

[55:30] I'm going to sign off.

Elliott Kalan

[55:32] We can talk about Lovecraft and the mythos for a while.

[55:36] Nope.

[55:36] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[55:37] Let's put this podcast through the porthole of time.

[55:43] It belongs to the ages now.

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] Can I plug my comic book that's coming out?

[55:48] Plug it quick.

[55:49] August 18th, this Wednesday, my first story from Marvel Comics will be released.

[55:55] It's a Captain America story, kind of, in a book called Age of Heroes, issue number four.

[56:01] So, run, don't walk to your local comic book store.

[56:03] First, look up online to find out where your local comic book store is.

[56:06] Then, run, don't walk to it and pick up...

[56:08] Also, yes.

[56:09] Yeah.

[56:11] What?

[56:11] And pick up Age of Heroes, number four.

[56:14] Ask for it by name.

[56:15] Don't ask for it by my name because people don't know who I am in the comic book world.

[56:19] But there's an eight-page story in there that I am very happy with.

Stuart Wellington

[56:22] And I'm going to plug an album by a close friend of mine, Alex Smith, who we've mentioned on this podcast before.

[56:31] He just put out an album on Removedar Records.

[56:36] Go to removedar.com.

[56:39] It's produced by Jim James of the band My Morning Jacket.

[56:42] And his band is Lydia Burrell.

[56:45] It's dance music and it's awesome.

[56:47] So, check it out.

Dan McCoy

[56:47] Yeah.

[56:48] I've enjoyed the samples I've heard.

[56:50] Well, I'm just going to sign off.

[56:53] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[56:55] Oh, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[56:57] And I think I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[56:59] Man, Stuart's been forgetting his name a lot lately.

[57:08] Stuart, you've got to pick a distance from the microphone and a volume and stick with it.

[57:13] This is something you need to...

[57:14] This is my note for you in general.

Stuart Wellington

[57:16] Okay, so this would be my performance review.

[57:21] You're not going to give me a shit sandwich on this one?

[57:22] You're not going to be like two good things?

[57:24] We love what you're doing in general.

[57:25] Okay, so that's the first good thing.

[57:27] The comedy.

Dan McCoy

[57:28] The comedy.

[57:29] The insights.

[57:29] That's all fine.

[57:31] Technically.

Stuart Wellington

[57:32] Technically terrible.

[57:33] You need to work on.

[57:34] That would be a weakness.

[57:37] Needs improvement.

[57:38] Yep.

[57:39] On the side of strengths, I would put smiles.

[57:44] Handsomeness.

[57:45] Haircuts.

Dan McCoy

[57:47] Where's a muscle?

[57:48] You get a regular haircut.

Stuart Wellington

[57:50] When I did a performance review with Simon, I think I might have told you this, but he

[57:54] sat down and was all serious, and I'm like, okay, let's look at your strengths, and we

[57:58] went over the strengths of his performance kind of seriously, and then we got to weaknesses,

[58:02] and I'm like, baldness.

[58:06] And he looked at me like I slapped him in the face, because no one had ever made a joke

[58:11] to him about him going bald.

[58:13] It was hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[58:15] I got an email from Eric that says, the subject line is, go see Expendables, and the entire

[58:20] email is just, kaboom!

[58:21] Ha ha ha!

Flop House Classic - Old Dogs

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