The Flop House: Episode #122 - Alex Cross

Dan McCoy

[0:00] They crossed the wrong man.

[0:03] No, really, they chose the wrong man to play Alex Cross.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:34] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] And over here, number three, Elliot Kalin.

[0:41] How many of these have we done?

[0:43] Stuart, you never seem to remember.

[0:44] Stuart feels like a zillion.

[0:47] And yet every time you are taken aback, taken by surprise that you have to introduce your name.

[0:51] Ahem.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] Rarau.

[0:53] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:54] Well, out of practice.

[0:55] That's a rusty house cat.

[0:57] Also a great drink, the rusty house cat.

[1:00] Not so great a sexual position.

Dan McCoy

[1:02] No, terrible.

[1:03] Here we are, the three of us, back with another regular episode after our once-a-year flop-tacular.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10] Yep, now we'll be watching a movie and talking about it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13] And did we ever.

[1:15] Oh, boy.

[1:17] Did we strap in?

[1:18] Mamma mia.

[1:20] Sweet Susie Q.

Dan McCoy

[1:21] We watched a little film called...

[1:24] Hold on to your hair.

[1:25] Oh, boy.

[1:25] Tyler Perry Medea's Alex Cross.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] Tyler Perry Medea presents Tyler Perry's House of Alex Cross.

[1:32] Starring John C. McGinley.

[1:33] What?

Dan McCoy

[1:34] Well, he's in it.

[1:35] From Scrubs?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] Yes.

[1:38] He's in more than Scrubs.

[1:38] That Olive Garden commercial?

[1:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:40] Olive's Garden?

Dan McCoy

[1:41] From Identity?

[1:43] Yeah, he's in a lot of things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:45] Wait, was he the little kid or the fat guy?

[1:47] He was John Cusick.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] So the fat guy.

[1:51] Oh.

[1:52] Oh.

[1:53] Count it.

[1:54] The cues has been burned by the stew.

Dan McCoy

[1:56] So, yeah.

[1:58] We watched a little film called Alex Cross.

[2:00] Yeah.

[2:01] The reboot of the Alex Cross franchise.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] You may remember the Alex Cross movies from before.

[2:05] Kiss the Girls and Spider Web McGee.

[2:09] A lot came a spider.

[2:10] Walking in a spider web.

[2:12] Yeah.

[2:13] Which one had a...

[2:14] When you call in, I'll call you back.

[2:15] Call a back girl.

[2:16] I think that was another one.

[2:17] Which one had a...

[2:18] You're just talking about Gwen Stefani No Doubt songs.

[2:20] Wait.

Stuart Wellington

[2:22] Which one had Ashley Judd in it?

Dan McCoy

[2:25] I don't...

[2:26] Kiss the Girls, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] I remember that Carrie Elwes was in...

[2:31] Yeah.

[2:32] Alexis Cross.

[2:33] Spoiler alert.

[2:33] Carrie Elwes was the bad guy in Kiss the Girls.

[2:35] And how do you know?

[2:36] Because he was the only other character.

Dan McCoy

[2:39] I like to think he was Bobbly Wobbly.

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] Yeah, the good guy of Oogie Loves the Movie.

[2:44] Bobby Wobbly.

[2:45] Okay.

[2:46] But...

[2:47] Now, and the old movies...

[2:48] Old movies.

[2:49] These movies are like 15 years old.

[2:50] Alex Cross was played by...

[2:52] Was played...

[2:53] In the classic Alex Cross movies.

[2:54] In the talkie Alex Cross, the movie.

[2:56] He was played by Morgan Freeman, who you may best know as the voice of Penguin documentaries.

[3:03] But he was an actor before that.

Dan McCoy

[3:05] As a good actor with a lot of charisma and screen presence.

Elliott Kalan

[3:10] And let's face it, a lot of bad movies under his belt.

Dan McCoy

[3:12] No, but sure.

[3:13] But he brings a certain ineffable something.

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] A certain gravitas plus a charm.

[3:19] He brings a...

[3:20] Like in Wanted?

[3:22] Kind of.

[3:23] I mean, that's...

[3:24] You hire him to bring a seriousness of purpose that is also likable.

[3:27] Yeah.

[3:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:28] Whereas, I guess, Tyler Perry...

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Who plays Alex Cross in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:33] Is a guy who wants to make the leap to being an action hero.

Elliott Kalan

[3:40] He is...

[3:40] He...

[3:41] The movie seems to be starring a character who is a...

[3:45] Kind of semi-in-shape, quiet-spoken fellow who wants to break into a new market.

[3:50] Like, everything about the movie seems to scream,

[3:53] Tyler Perry is doing this!

[3:55] This isn't your dad's Tyler Perry.

[3:56] Hold on!

[3:57] It's an all-new Tyler Perry!

[3:59] Except for...

[3:59] Tyler Perry presents the new Tyler Perry 2.0.

Dan McCoy

[4:02] Except for it feels like he is like a sitcom dad who wandered into an action thriller somehow.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] It's like that Chris Elliott Showtime special Action Family was called?

[4:12] Action Dad?

[4:13] Do you remember that one?

[4:14] No, I don't.

[4:14] Every time he's outside, it's a cop thriller.

[4:17] And every time he's inside, it's a family sitcom.

[4:20] It's not totally successful, but it's a funny thing.

[4:23] Track it down on video, everybody.

[4:24] It shares a videotape with FDR One Man Show, which is genuinely fantastic.

[4:28] Two great Chris Elliott Showtime specials from the early 90s.

[4:32] What are we talking about?

[4:33] Sponsored by Chris Elliott?

[4:36] Hey, we're brothers in Elliott.

[4:38] Gotta look out for fellow Elliott.

Stuart Wellington

[4:40] Now, what were we talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[4:42] Alex Cross, starring Tyler Perry.

Stuart Wellington

[4:43] Okay.

[4:44] So yeah, he's in really good shape, right?

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] Not exactly.

[4:48] I mean, he's in good shape.

[4:49] He's a barrel-chested man, so he has the grace and the elegance.

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] Oh, you guys are talking about Tyler Perry.

[4:54] I was talking about Matthew Fox.

Elliott Kalan

[4:56] Well, I'm just gonna finish that.

[4:58] Tyler Perry has the grace and the elegance of a late career Steven Seagal, where it's

[5:02] almost like a mattress on legs is getting into fights.

[5:04] But Matthew Fox is in this as the villain, and he is super jacked.

Dan McCoy

[5:08] I just want to say also, like, I once described myself as 1950s fit, and I think that that

[5:12] also applies in a different way to Tyler Perry.

[5:14] I guess so, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:15] In the same way that, like, Wallace Beery was fit in the 30s, where it's like, he looks

[5:19] strong.

[5:20] I mean, he doesn't look attractive or healthy, but he looks strong.

[5:24] But he looks like, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:25] Yeah, you eat plenty of protein and hamburgers and stuff, and you'll get there.

Dan McCoy

[5:29] Yeah, it's beef protein strong.

[5:31] If he's not gonna fall down.

[5:32] No.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] I mean, he might fall down if he has to run down a sewer for a while, or...

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] As in the beginning of the movie.

[5:39] So we go through what this movie is about.

[5:41] I guess.

Dan McCoy

[5:42] I mean, you can just imagine a standard thriller and then put Tyler Perry on it.

[5:46] Pretty much.

Elliott Kalan

[5:46] Except there are a few surprises in it.

[5:48] I guess.

[5:48] That you wouldn't expect.

[5:49] Okay, the movie starts with Alex Cross, who is a forensic psychologist, basically.

[5:54] He's a mind hunter, if you will.

Stuart Wellington

[5:56] Yeah, he's just wrapping up a case at the very beginning.

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] He's wrapping up a previous case by chasing a man through a sewer and shooting guns at him.

Dan McCoy

[6:03] I mean, you might recognize the career of forensic psychologists from every television show and movie made in the past 20 years.

[6:11] He's a CSI, SUV, NCIS, Law & Order.

Stuart Wellington

[6:14] Well, it's because he's tough, he's a great dad, but he's also a genius.

[6:17] That's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[6:18] He can get inside the mind of criminals for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[6:21] He's better than Sherlock Holmes, because Sherlock Holmes needs to look at clues, whereas Alex Cross can just kind of stare in the distance, and suddenly he's like, this guy's ex-military.

[6:30] He walks through, at one point he walks through a crime scene, and they go upstairs, and he's like, those bullet holes were from a .38.

[6:37] He's like, wait, did you even look at them?

[6:40] You didn't even bend down.

[6:43] You can smell the size of bullet holes.

Stuart Wellington

[6:44] The thing's sway is off.

Elliott Kalan

[6:45] So Alex Cross is a forensic pathologist, let's call him.

[6:53] He's a mind hunter.

[6:54] He has a family that loves him, two kids, a loving wife, and a sassy granny, played by Cicely Tyson.

[7:01] I think it's just his mom.

[7:03] She's sassy.

[7:04] She's super sassy.

[7:06] She is the Medea of this movie.

[7:07] She says things like, don't you go out that door, and things like that.

[7:11] And like, get your foot off my bench.

[7:13] Don't be playing that piano.

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:16] I wish she had said, piano.

[7:20] That's the proper old person way to say piano.

[7:23] Don't you play my piano?

[7:24] But she didn't.

[7:25] She said piano.

[7:26] She knows how to talk.

[7:27] She's not a monster.

[7:29] She's not a crazy.

[7:29] She's not a gold prospector.

[7:32] She's just an old lady.

[7:33] So Alex Cross is living the dream.

[7:35] His partner is his best friend from childhood, Ed Burns, who fully the first ten lines of dialogue from Ed Burns all seem to have been looped after the fact through ADR.

[7:45] So you'll just see him in long shot, and you'll hear Ed Burns' voice going, good work, Alex.

Dan McCoy

[7:51] Hey, come back here, guy.

[7:52] Look, I haven't seen Tyler Perry in a lot of things, so I don't want to speak to him as an actor.

[7:57] But I will say that he's desperately...

[7:58] You don't even want to speak to him?

Elliott Kalan

[7:59] No.

[8:00] What if he's on the phone, Dan, right now?

[8:01] He knows what he did.

[8:02] Alex, let me see, because I know you want to talk to him.

[8:05] His character was so believable.

[8:09] Yeah, he goes by Alex now.

[8:11] I'm not going to call him Tyler.

[8:12] Part of his gritty reboot.

[8:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:14] No, I'm just saying that I don't want to speak to him as an actor, but I don't know that he was cast correctly.

[8:20] No, he was not.

Elliott Kalan

[8:21] Well, originally, apparently, this was a role for Idris Elba, which makes a little more sense.

[8:25] Dreamboat.

[8:26] He is a dreamboat.

[8:27] He can do both sexy, charismatic, and sullen.

[8:31] He's a giant of a man.

[8:32] He's a big guy who you believe punching bad guys, and he already played a gritty TV detective in television.

[8:38] Yeah.

[8:39] But you mentioned this is the gritty reboot of Alex Cross.

[8:41] We might want to remind our listeners that just as Spider-Man got a gritty reboot, and Batman with the Dark Knight series, and Superman upcoming,

[8:51] that famous character Alex Cross, one of your most beloved movie franchise characters, needed a reboot.

[8:57] But the point I wanted to make...

[8:58] Everyone was crying out for a new Alex Cross universe because the Alex Cross canon had gotten too continuity thick.

Dan McCoy

[9:05] The point I wanted to make that I don't know is actually worth making at this point.

Stuart Wellington

[9:08] Made it very difficult for new viewers to just jump into these movies.

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] Yeah, to jump in because there's so much to know about Alex Cross.

[9:14] He's a detective.

[9:15] He's a black guy.

[9:16] That's about it.

[9:17] He's got a family.

[9:18] He's got a family.

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] Well, at least for the first half of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[9:22] Bum, bum, bum.

[9:23] I was just going to say that if you're going to give Alex Cross a partner with Tyler Perry being as dull as he was,

[9:29] maybe you don't want to go with a Matthew Fox.

[9:32] Or not a Matthew Fox, sorry.

[9:33] And Ed Burns.

[9:34] Who's also kind of...

[9:34] You do want to go with a Matthew Fox.

[9:36] You do want to go with a Matthew Fox.

[9:37] We'll get to that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] But Ed Burns is just gravelly and dull.

[9:40] I think they should have gone with like...

[9:42] Who were they?

[9:42] Should they have gone with like a Gilbert Gottfried?

[9:44] Yes.

[9:45] Or like a Rob Schneider?

[9:46] Sure.

[9:48] A Joe Pantoliano might have been a good fit.

[9:50] A Dennis Rodman.

[9:51] Yeah, Detroit cop Dennis Rodman.

[9:53] A Jonah Hill sort.

[9:55] Now, the movie is set in Detroit.

[9:57] Stewart looked up and found that the Alex Cross character is set usually in D.C.

[10:00] But they added it into Detroit just so that we could spend the whole movie hoping RoboCop would show up.

[10:06] Alas, he does not.

Stuart Wellington

[10:07] Every time they showed the words Detroit, we got on the edges of our seat.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] There's literally a part where one of the...

[10:12] Gene Renaud is in it as a wealthy real estate developer.

Stuart Wellington

[10:16] Who's got a big body but a small little mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[10:19] Because Gene Renaud's face is growing faster than his mouth is.

[10:21] And he likes to wear white Panama hats.

[10:23] But he has a presentation about the new Detroit with all these new buildings.

[10:27] And it's like, oh, stop teasing us with possible RoboCops.

[10:31] Like a semi-evil bad guy, like millionaire who wants to rebuild Detroit.

[10:36] Like, come on.

[10:37] Just give us one Ed 209 scene.

Dan McCoy

[10:39] We've barely gotten into this.

Elliott Kalan

[10:42] And also there's a woman who's part of their detective squad.

Dan McCoy

[10:45] Rachel Nichols.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] Who is also sleeping with Ed Burns.

[10:49] I mean, can you blame her?

Dan McCoy

[10:51] Alex Cross is a...

[10:52] That's not what I would have gone with.

Elliott Kalan

[10:54] Alex Cross loves his family.

[10:58] And they get a case because suddenly...

[11:01] It's their job.

[11:01] Because it's their job.

[11:02] We basically spend a lot of time establishing that Alex Cross is married and has kids and a lovely family.

[11:06] And his wife is pregnant.

[11:08] They're going to have a third kid on the way.

[11:10] But uh-oh.

[11:11] Matthew Fox comes along.

[11:12] He drives up in his fancy car to what looks like a campus chapel.

[11:16] And gets a phone call with a mystery man giving him $3 million to kill some people.

[11:21] This leads to an elaborate plan that involves him entering some kind of underground daytime campus chapel ultimate fighting ring.

[11:29] Just to impress a rich woman so that he can seduce her and then get a laptop from her and kill her and her bodyguards.

Stuart Wellington

[11:38] Because Elliot, middle of the day is the new middle of the night.

[11:42] Only the cool people get really dressed up nice and go out to ultimate fighting championship rings.

Dan McCoy

[11:47] And the only way to seduce a woman is to choke another man in front of her.

Elliott Kalan

[11:50] Is to win an ultimate fighting match.

[11:52] I was saying to you guys when we were watching it that if it was like midnight or like 2 in the morning, it would be like, oh, this sleazy after hours like secret fighting ring.

[12:00] That's kind of gritty.

[12:01] But it's the middle of the day.

[12:02] So all I could think was like, this is a lot of unemployed people.

[12:05] Detroit really doesn't have enough jobs.

[12:07] All this is so pathetic.

[12:08] All these unemployed guys just hanging out in this abandoned church.

Stuart Wellington

[12:12] Yeah, dancing while Rome burns.

Elliott Kalan

[12:15] All these new ultimate fighting jobs that are being created.

Dan McCoy

[12:18] They opened up two ultimate fighting jobs.

Elliott Kalan

[12:21] So he goes with her back to her house.

[12:23] They search him for a weapon.

[12:25] And Matthew Fox is playing this very like, he lost all of his body fat basically.

[12:29] He's just super whip it strong.

[12:32] He looks like a jacked James Carville kind of.

[12:34] Yeah, I can see that.

[12:35] Like Jack Carville.

Stuart Wellington

[12:37] Like a lizard skeleton that's somehow been animated.

Elliott Kalan

[12:40] He has muscles.

[12:42] But he is totally bald.

[12:43] A muscular lizard.

[12:44] A muscular lizard.

[12:46] You know, like a He-Man villain.

[12:48] But super, but like thin.

Stuart Wellington

[12:50] But without the little underpants and belt.

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] Because he's naked when he works out in this movie.

[12:54] Without the fur loin cloth and the belt with a big opal in the center.

[12:58] And like a harness on his chest that has nothing attached to it.

[13:02] It's just like a symbol with straps across his chest.

Stuart Wellington

[13:04] It's just to draw attention to the money areas.

[13:07] The pecs.

[13:07] The shoulders.

Elliott Kalan

[13:08] The money areas.

[13:09] And without the like, real tail spinning action where you squeeze the legs and the tail spins around.

Stuart Wellington

[13:14] Yeah, because let's just get this clear.

[13:16] Matthew Fox does not have a tail in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:18] He is not a lizard man hybrid.

[13:19] This is not the gritty reboot of Spider-Man that has a lizard man in it.

Dan McCoy

[13:22] But it's fair.

[13:23] I mean like, if you imagine Matthew Fox from Lost and then like, cross that with a praying mantis.

[13:28] That's basically Matthew Fox in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:30] Yeah, okay.

[13:30] So more of an insect than a lizard.

[13:32] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] He reminds me of the snake man that you see fighting in Jonah Hex the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:36] But without the charisma.

[13:37] Let's get that straight.

Elliott Kalan

[13:38] Yeah, he is kind of, he kind of is trying very hard in this role, but it feels like he's sleepwalking through it.

[13:43] But anyway, he injects his victims.

[13:46] In this case, it's this sexy woman who wants to have sex with him.

[13:48] A lot like a lizard.

Stuart Wellington

[13:49] He injects venom into a victim.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] She has a great line where he notices there's a statue of the god of war next to her bed.

[13:56] And she says...

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] Not Kratos, but some Japanese one that doesn't exist.

Elliott Kalan

[14:01] Kratos?

[14:02] What mythos is that?

[14:03] From the god of war video games.

[14:04] Oh, because most people, I think when they think god of war, they think Ares, Mars, you know.

[14:09] I think you'll be...

[14:10] You're going to be disappointed.

[14:12] Really?

[14:12] Thank you.

[14:13] God of war series.

[14:13] These are different frames of reference.

[14:15] Anyway, a Japanese god of war.

[14:16] And she says, sex is a lot like war.

[14:19] Both require will and strategy.

[14:22] And I just love the idea that she never goes to bed without a game plan.

[14:26] Check her resources.

[14:27] Figure out her bedmate's vulnerable points.

Dan McCoy

[14:30] I'm going to invade from just below the testicles.

[14:35] I'm going to proceed upward.

Elliott Kalan

[14:36] Okay, man.

[14:37] You flank around her butt while I go straight through the middle where her vagina is.

Stuart Wellington

[14:42] It's called the old one, too.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] The old one.

[14:45] Come on.

[14:46] We're playing it simple on this one.

[14:47] Hammer and anvil strategy.

[14:50] Now, so he...

[14:51] Like we learned at the academy.

[14:53] His killer MO.

[14:55] And he's kind of a serial killer, but he's also a killer for hire, so it's a little muddled.

[14:59] But he injects her with a green liquid that paralyzes her.

[15:02] It's not reagent.

[15:03] It's not reagent.

[15:04] Don't get excited.

[15:05] It's not the ooze.

[15:06] She doesn't turn into some kind of Matthew Fox woman hybrid.

[15:12] The secret of this ooze is it has no mutagenic properties.

[15:17] Not really a secret, which is what you might expect.

[15:20] And so...

[15:21] But it paralyzes you, but you can still feel what's going on.

[15:23] And to get the password for her laptop, it turns out he's cutting her fingers off one by one.

[15:28] But he's also hidden a tiny gun in his shoe so he can shoot some people.

[15:32] Now, so he kills her three bodyguards, and the police are called in because, I don't know, maybe someone heard gunshots or the housekeeper stumbled on the bodies.

[15:41] They never quite explain who found these bodies.

Stuart Wellington

[15:43] I mean, he probably called it in because he, you know...

[15:45] Oh, yeah.

[15:46] To rub their faces in it.

Dan McCoy

[15:47] Dead bodies, you know, they just call the police themselves in movies.

Elliott Kalan

[15:52] And so that's when Alex Cross and Ed Burns walking in Alex Cross...

Dan McCoy

[15:56] And they meet John C. McGinley for the first time.

Elliott Kalan

[15:58] Who's the police chief.

[16:00] And they argue, but it's like, there are a lot of scenes in this movie that feel like this is an episode of the Alex Cross TV series.

[16:06] It's almost like we're supposed to be like, uh-oh, there's the chief again.

[16:10] Always on their case.

[16:11] But we don't know who these characters are.

[16:13] And when they establish themselves, they're so boilerplate, you know, boring.

Dan McCoy

[16:16] It's like the police chief learned how to be a police chief by watching a TV show.

[16:20] Because every time Alex Cross shows up, he argues with them.

[16:23] But for no reason ever.

[16:25] It's like, you called him in, he's the specialist on this.

Stuart Wellington

[16:27] There's even a point later on where the police chief congratulates his officers for not catching the criminal.

[16:33] Like, by putting in a good job.

Elliott Kalan

[16:35] And later on, there's going to be a big assassination attempt.

[16:38] And Alex Cross calls it in.

[16:40] The police, like, basically put the building under siege.

[16:44] And Alex Cross walks in and he goes,

[16:46] Oh, you're screwing it all up, everybody.

[16:48] And it's as if, you point out, Dan, like, as if he didn't call it in.

[16:51] As if he had nothing to do with it.

[16:53] What were they going to do?

[16:55] So Alex Cross can instantly see this is the work of one man.

[16:58] Even though all he's seen is three dead guys lying on the ground.

[17:01] Yeah.

[17:02] But even if it was the work of one man, it's not that impressive.

[17:04] Like, one guy with a gun could easily kill three guys.

[17:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:09] Like, if you've seen the trailer, there's a scene where it's like,

[17:11] No, this is just one man.

[17:13] And you think, Oh my God.

[17:13] It's not like it's Riddick or something from the Pitch Black series.

[17:16] What crazy, like, crime scenes do they come up for?

[17:19] Are there like 30 dead people?

[17:20] 30 people flayed and blood covering the walls?

[17:23] He's like, No.

Stuart Wellington

[17:24] He's like, No, he had them stand on a block of ice.

[17:26] And the block of ice melted.

[17:28] I get it.

Elliott Kalan

[17:29] The doctor was a woman.

[17:32] I would have loved if Alex Cross just solved all of his problems with mind riddles.

[17:35] The gun was made of ice.

[17:38] The gun was made of ice?

[17:41] That's how he snuck it past the guards.

[17:43] I don't understand.

[17:44] That's why the killer was wearing mittens in summer.

[17:47] They go up and they find the killer's other calling card,

[17:50] which is that he leaves charcoal cubist sketches of his victims,

[17:54] which, when you fold them in like an Al Jaffe mad fold-in,

[17:58] give you clues to the next killer.

[18:00] Now, this is also something that is picked up and then never used as a clue again.

[18:03] And you see Matthew Fox angrily doing his charcoal sketches in his workout,

[18:08] in his kind of seaside workout studio slash gym.

[18:12] It's like a houseboat or something, right?

[18:13] It's like a land houseboat.

[18:14] Oh, okay.

[18:15] It's actually a really nice-looking house for a bachelor.

[18:18] But he...

Stuart Wellington

[18:18] I mean, he's pretty good at his job, though.

[18:20] I mean, like, he deserves to own that place.

[18:23] Oh, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] You know, he's assuming...

[18:23] He got $3 million off of this one job.

[18:25] He can easily buy some real estate.

[18:27] And in Detroit, prices are low.

[18:29] If ever there was a time to buy and just kind of hold on to it,

[18:31] waiting for a resurgence,

[18:32] especially if you're as liquid as he is,

[18:34] with $3 million in the bank,

Stuart Wellington

[18:35] now's the time.

[18:36] And near the water,

[18:37] he can go to Canada anytime he wants, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[18:39] Oh, yeah.

[18:39] I mean, just anyone living in Detroit could do that.

[18:41] They're just going to road.

Dan McCoy

[18:42] So any hitman out there...

Elliott Kalan

[18:43] If you're looking for a place to set up an HQ,

[18:46] real estate is cheap in Detroit,

[18:48] especially if you've got $3 million big ones burning a hole in your pocket.

Stuart Wellington

[18:49] And there's plenty of people who probably need to be paid to be killed, right?

[18:53] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[18:53] That's a tip from us.

[18:54] That's a flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] So they find from the clues who the next victim is going to be.

[18:58] And it's a German businessman...

[19:01] Of some kind.

[19:01] Of some kind, who's in Detroit as part of this big real estate venture.

[19:06] And he's a big jerk.

[19:07] And it looks like they tried to hire someone

[19:10] where if you were just walking by the TV real fast,

[19:12] you'd think it was Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:14] But he's not as good as Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:16] I usually assume people are Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:17] And also, just to get things straight,

[19:19] Mads Mikkelsen is Danish, not German.

[19:22] So if anyone thought he was German, he's Danish.

Stuart Wellington

[19:24] Or if they were going to write an angry letter into us...

[19:26] We know that he's not German.

Dan McCoy

[19:28] He's Danish.

[19:29] Don't try and out Mads Mikkelsen, Elliot.

[19:31] Come on.

[19:31] Because you were going to be disappointed.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] Because let me just tell you,

[19:33] there's only three words that describe what I am,

[19:35] and that's mad about Mads.

[19:38] I'm Mads mad.

Stuart Wellington

[19:39] Yeah.

[19:40] If possible, Elliot would have a mouth full of Mads if he could.

[19:42] I don't know if I could that far.

Dan McCoy

[19:45] That made me imagine him Mads folding.

Elliott Kalan

[19:48] It always reveals itself to me.

[19:50] It's a picture of Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:51] When you fold it, it becomes a different picture of Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:54] A Mads folding.

[19:56] It's enough to drive you mad.

[19:57] About Mads.

[20:00] But anyway...

[20:01] So they go to...

[20:02] And it's funny because the security at this building go from,

[20:06] we don't believe you,

[20:07] to, wait, let me give you this enormous assault rifle

[20:09] so that we can try to stop this killer.

[20:12] Killer's got a brilliant plan.

[20:13] He's going to scuba dive up through the pipes of a large fountain,

[20:18] burn a hole through the pipe,

[20:20] get out,

[20:20] and then make his way into the office of this guy he's going to kill.

[20:24] That sounds good.

[20:24] But it doesn't work out.

[20:26] He instead gets in a shootout with Alex Cross.

[20:28] He blows up a grenade that hurts the lady,

[20:31] and Ed Burns manages to wing him by shooting him in the shoulder.

[20:34] But he escapes.

[20:36] This is when they go back to the police station.

[20:37] Case closed.

[20:38] And John Stephen Gilly goes,

[20:39] good work, everybody.

[20:40] Could have been a lot worse.

[20:41] I mean, they did save the guy that was going to be killed,

[20:44] but on the other hand,

[20:45] the killer got away scut-free,

[20:46] and they caused a lot of damage.

Dan McCoy

[20:48] I mean, we may have misread that

[20:49] based on the rest of his character.

[20:50] He might have been sarcastic,

[20:52] but it didn't seem like it at the time.

[20:53] It seemed like he meant it.

Elliott Kalan

[20:55] It was very strange.

Stuart Wellington

[20:56] Well, yeah.

[20:57] Well, he was delivering a shit sandwich.

[20:58] Afterwards, he gave him a real dressing down.

Elliott Kalan

[21:01] Yeah, he gave him a reaming, so.

[21:02] Yeah.

[21:02] They go to investigate some more,

[21:04] and they find that all these people were working for Jean Reno,

[21:07] who is this big developer who likes to wear a gold.

[21:11] Is that a fat joke?

[21:12] No.

[21:12] He has gained weight.

[21:14] He's on that scale now between the old Jean Reno,

[21:18] who was skinny,

[21:19] and what Gerard Depardieu looks like now.

[21:23] So do they go to him because he's an expert of cool assassins?

[21:26] Let's just say this about French actors.

[21:27] French actors get bloated as they age.

[21:28] It's the hidden secret about French actors.

[21:31] Maybe the last one who didn't was Yves Montand,

[21:33] but otherwise.

Dan McCoy

[21:35] I don't know why that's specific to French actors.

[21:37] I mean, we're all putting on weight, Elliot.

[21:39] But French actors get it.

[21:40] He seems to shed it.

[21:42] Yep.

[21:42] Shed it like a lizard.

[21:44] You're a friend, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[21:45] I'm just saying maybe there's something in the French diet

[21:47] that turns a leading man into a punch ball.

[21:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:51] Bowls full of duck fat and whatnot.

Elliott Kalan

[21:54] Yeah.

[21:54] You just tuck it in the morning to a breakfast of a bowl of duck fat.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] Smear it all over your...

Dan McCoy

[21:59] Just smearing Nutella on everything over there.

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Chocolate croissants.

[22:01] Yep.

[22:02] And so anyway...

[22:04] Smearing some Nutella on some brie.

[22:06] So, Jean Renaud, you can tell there's something sinister about him

[22:10] because he wears a Panama hat.

[22:11] He's got a giant ring.

[22:13] And he's got a giant pinky ring.

[22:14] So you know he's a bad guy.

[22:16] But they've got nothing on him.

[22:17] They just think he's kind of sinister.

[22:19] And he looks like he's the next target

[22:21] of this ultra-super-secret serial assassin killer.

[22:25] And Alex Cross, meanwhile, is having no luck tracking this guy down.

[22:28] Although they do say...

[22:29] There is a scene where Ed Burns goes,

[22:30] Get inside his head!

[22:32] And Alex Cross goes,

[22:33] He's ex-military.

[22:35] I don't know who is.

[22:37] Which is a great line because it's like,

[22:38] Oh, he might work for somebody's personal military.

[22:41] He either was in the U.S. Special Forces,

[22:44] Israel's Defense Force,

[22:45] or Steve's army.

[22:48] He's in Oliver's army.

[22:49] The Kiss army.

[22:51] He was in Dad's army.

[22:52] Yep.

[22:54] So now I'm a little confused about how things happened

[22:57] because this movie was so dull.

[22:58] Well, a couple of ladies died.

[23:00] Well, yes.

[23:00] So he captures...

[23:02] The killer sneaks into the lady cop's home.

[23:05] Rachel Nichols.

[23:06] Rachel Nichols' home.

[23:07] And basically tortures information out of her.

[23:09] And then...

[23:10] You don't see that.

[23:10] That's off camera.

[23:11] It was disappointing to me

Dan McCoy

[23:11] because the most interesting thing to me about this movie...

[23:15] Was perspective nudity?

[23:16] Was that there was a pretty lady in it.

[23:17] Okay.

[23:18] And then they killed the one lady.

Elliott Kalan

[23:19] I thought you were saying

[23:19] that the most interesting thing to you

[23:20] was that we didn't...

[23:21] The most disappointing was

[23:22] we didn't get to see Rachel Nichols

[23:24] orchard on screen.

[23:25] No, I'm not a monster.

[23:27] No, you're just a pervert, but I don't know.

[23:29] That's not my thing.

[23:30] I just like pretty ladies.

[23:31] And there is...

[23:32] And Rachel Nichols and Ed Burns

[23:34] do have a sex scene

[23:35] in which she reveals nothing.

[23:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:37] But she unfortunately gets killed.

Elliott Kalan

[23:39] She gets killed and...

[23:40] And then in short order...

[23:41] Well, the kid...

[23:42] Matthew Fox is calling Tyler Perry

[23:44] while Tyler Perry's on a date with his wife.

[23:46] And he's saying...

[23:47] Yeah, they play cat and mouse

[23:48] normal serial killer cop conversation.

[23:52] It's pretty boring.

[23:53] It's pretty dull.

[23:54] It's a lot of...

[23:54] You don't understand me.

[23:56] And like, what did you...

[23:57] Who started...

[23:58] When did you start this?

[23:59] As a kid?

[23:59] Don't try to get inside my head,

[24:01] you know, copper.

[24:02] Something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[24:02] While he gives the crazy googly eyes

[24:04] and wears his cool hat.

Elliott Kalan

[24:06] Yeah.

[24:06] And he does have a cool

[24:07] kind of like Kangol style hat.

[24:09] And Matthew Fox is setting up

[24:11] a sniper rifle.

[24:12] Uh-oh.

[24:12] For somehow he knew

[24:14] where Alex Cross

[24:14] was getting dinner that night.

[24:16] And he's got a sniper

[24:17] pointed at Alex Cross.

[24:19] No!

[24:19] Then he pointed at Alex Cross's wife.

[24:21] And Alex Cross realizes

[24:22] what's about to happen.

[24:23] Too late.

[24:24] Too late.

[24:24] Jumps in the way,

[24:25] but not enough.

[24:26] And his wife gets killed

[24:27] seemingly by being shot in the butt.

[24:29] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[24:30] A big one in the bread basket.

[24:32] It just goes through

[24:33] like the back of her chair.

[24:35] I think it like hit her spine

[24:36] or something.

Elliott Kalan

[24:36] Oh, okay.

[24:37] But she dies

[24:37] also taking the unborn child

[24:39] with her.

[24:39] So Alex Cross, zero.

[24:42] Decency, zero.

[24:43] Matthew Fox, four.

[24:45] I think by this point.

[24:46] Yeah, it suddenly got a lot darker

[24:47] than you would expect.

[24:48] It's a gritty reboot.

[24:49] In the middle of Alex Cross's wife

[24:50] and unborn child get killed.

Stuart Wellington

[24:51] Edward Burns takes it

[24:52] kind of in stride though, right?

[24:54] Even though his girlfriend

[24:55] just got murdered, right?

Dan McCoy

[24:56] But he's not as sad

[24:57] as Alex Cross.

[24:58] Yeah.

[24:58] I mean, like, you know,

[24:59] he wasn't married,

[24:59] so he's like...

[25:00] Sweet Freedom.

[25:01] Yeah.

[25:02] And he's like giving Alex Cross

[25:03] like a high five

[25:03] and Alex Cross is like,

[25:04] no, I'm not on board with it.

[25:06] Pizza and cereal

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] every night, dude.

[25:08] Come on, dude.

[25:09] Let's go for a drink.

[25:09] Who's going to stop us,

[25:10] our girls?

[25:13] Sad really.

[25:13] I can watch TV with the sound

[25:15] way up.

[25:16] So Alex Cross...

[25:17] That's your idea.

[25:19] I don't have to keep the sound low

[25:20] when I watch porn now.

[25:21] Who's going to hear me?

[25:22] The neighbors.

[25:24] I don't care about them.

[25:26] That's part of the turn on.

[25:27] I'll pee with the bathroom door open.

[25:29] Hell, I'll poop

[25:30] with the bathroom door open.

[25:31] Who's going to see me?

[25:32] My dog?

[25:33] He doesn't know what's going on.

[25:36] Sad, really.

[25:37] So the two of them

[25:38] basically go to the dark side

[25:39] as Dreamgirls would have put it.

[25:41] What?

[25:43] They take a taxi to the dark side

[25:45] and decide to take the law

[25:47] into their own hands

[25:48] for about ten minutes

[25:49] which involves them

[25:50] breaking into...

[25:52] Earlier in the movie

[25:53] it was established

[25:54] that Alex Cross

[25:54] was trying to get out of jail

[25:55] a young woman

[25:57] who had taken the fall

[25:58] for a killing

[25:59] that her uncle had committed.

[26:00] And now that setup pays off

[26:03] in that they break into

[26:04] the police evidence dungeon

[26:06] or I guess you would

[26:07] just call it locker.

[26:08] Yeah, I mean it's...

[26:08] It is an actual evidence locker.

[26:10] They break into it

[26:11] which involves

[26:12] punching a real cop

[26:13] and steal these guns

[26:15] that were the evidence

[26:16] in that case.

[26:17] Then he goes to meet up

[26:18] with that crime lord

[26:19] at a vintage car museum

[26:20] because it's Detroit.

[26:22] Played by Juan Carlos Esposito.

[26:24] Played by Juan Carlos Esposito

[26:25] of Breaking Bad.

[26:26] And he says

[26:27] I'll give you these guns

[26:29] that are the only evidence

[26:29] in this case

[26:30] and your niece

[26:31] will get out of jail

[26:31] if you tell me

[26:32] the name of this chemist

[26:33] that makes this chemical

[26:34] that the bad guy uses.

[26:36] And it turns out

[26:37] the chemist

[26:37] is just kind of like

[26:38] this nerdy guy

[26:39] and they beat the shit out of him.

Dan McCoy

[26:41] Also, I like that this...

[26:42] I feel like this is true

[26:44] in every stupid

[26:45] crime thriller

[26:47] where all criminals

[26:48] apparently know each other.

[26:50] Yeah.

[26:50] Just like,

[26:51] okay, well,

[26:51] we'll put some leverage

[26:53] on this other criminal.

[26:55] He probably knows

[26:55] this guy, right?

[26:56] Well, they all attended

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] crime school together.

[26:59] Maybe they went to crime camp

Dan McCoy

[27:00] in the summers.

[27:00] Yeah, and they go back

[27:01] for their crime reunions

[27:03] and everyone's crime older.

[27:06] Everyone's crime older.

[27:08] It's like space, right?

[27:09] You put it in front of everything.

[27:10] Yeah, exactly.

[27:11] And they go to the annual

Stuart Wellington

[27:11] criminals ball

[27:12] where they all talk about

[27:13] plans to kill Batman.

Elliott Kalan

[27:18] Oh, so many gimmicks

[27:19] in one room.

[27:22] So they...

[27:23] So they beat up

[27:23] some poor drug dealer.

[27:25] They beat up some guy

[27:25] who has almost no lines.

[27:26] Poor, yeah.

[27:26] And he's just a drug cook

[27:28] and he gives them...

[27:29] He managed to show them

[27:30] surveillance video

[27:31] which gives them

[27:31] the license plate

[27:32] of the car

[27:33] that Matthew Fox is driving

[27:34] who they've been referring to

[27:35] as Picasso

[27:35] because of his cubist sketches

[27:37] which at this point

[27:38] they never get to see again.

[27:40] He just uses...

[27:40] draws them in his spare time.

[27:42] In his spare time.

[27:44] Yeah, his spare time.

[27:46] No, it's accurate.

[27:47] It just seems funny.

[27:48] It's just a little bit

[27:49] of him time.

[27:49] Look, if he just works

[27:50] all the time

[27:51] he's gonna go crazy.

[27:53] Yeah, hitmen

[27:54] have their own interests.

[27:55] Exactly.

[27:56] It's not just murdering people.

[27:57] He's got a soul.

[27:58] Yeah.

[27:59] Someone...

[27:59] A soul that's not expressed

[28:00] through his dialogue or acting

[28:01] but only through his art.

[28:04] By which I mean

[28:04] the way he kills people.

[28:05] And his naked pull-ups.

[28:06] And his naked pull-ups

[28:07] where you...

[28:07] It keeps...

Stuart Wellington

[28:08] It gets creepily close

[28:09] to the root of his ding-dong.

Elliott Kalan

[28:11] Stuart was really weirded out

[28:13] by that.

[28:15] So they find the car

[28:16] and then this is when

[28:18] they suddenly are

[28:18] no longer vigilantes.

[28:20] Because Alex Cross

[28:21] calls the license plate number

[28:22] to the police department

[28:23] and says,

[28:24] hey, call OnStar

[28:25] and have them shut this car down.

[28:26] And the police person...

[28:27] People are never like,

[28:28] how did you get this information,

[28:29] Alex Cross?

[28:30] Like this...

[28:31] Did you beat somebody up

[28:32] after breaking into

[28:33] our own evidence locker

[28:34] and making a deal

[28:35] with a head gangster?

Dan McCoy

[28:36] And screwing up

[28:37] an important criminal case?

Elliott Kalan

[28:39] Nope.

[28:40] They just run with the punches.

[28:42] From this point on,

[28:43] it's like he's an associate

[28:44] to the police department.

[28:46] Like he's their head shrinker

[28:48] in residence

[28:49] rather than a cop.

[28:51] But they...

[28:51] Okay.

[28:52] So they know the license plate.

[28:53] They track him to,

[28:54] uh-oh,

[28:55] downtown there's going to be

[28:56] a big presentation

[28:56] about the new Detroit.

[28:58] Gene Renaud's going to be there.

[28:59] That's got to be his target.

[29:00] So they call it in.

[29:01] The police set up

[29:02] an entire cord in

[29:03] around the place

[29:04] with lots of cop cars,

[29:05] a helicopter,

[29:06] like a security truck,

[29:08] SWAT guys all over the place.

[29:10] Anyone tries to get in there

[29:11] on foot or in a car,

[29:12] they're way out of luck.

[29:14] Yeah.

[29:14] But Matthew Fox

[29:15] isn't trying to get in there

[29:16] by car or on foot.

[29:17] How's he going to do it, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[29:18] He gets in there

Elliott Kalan

[29:19] by bazooka missile.

[29:21] He sets up...

[29:22] He gets onto, uh,

[29:24] one of their people mover

[29:25] mass transit trains,

[29:26] uses a computer

[29:27] to override a switch,

[29:28] and then shoots

[29:29] at the city hall, I guess,

[29:31] with a bazooka.

[29:32] Yeah, from a moving train

[29:33] with the doors open.

[29:35] And the plan works

[29:36] beautifully.

[29:38] He even gets to...

Dan McCoy

[29:38] A bunch of people explode,

[29:39] including John McGinley.

Elliott Kalan

[29:41] Yeah, a lot of people explode,

[29:43] and there's some hilarious

[29:44] flaming dummy work.

[29:46] But, and before he gets

[29:47] on the train,

[29:48] he's standing there

[29:48] with, like, a big case

[29:49] that looks like a guitar case,

[29:50] but he's got a gun in there.

[29:51] Actually, he's got a bazooka in there.

[29:53] And three yahoos

[29:54] out of nowhere are like,

[29:55] hey, hey, pal.

[29:56] You really, Artie?

Dan McCoy

[29:57] Hey, see something,

[29:58] say something, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[29:59] You, you gonna go play

[30:00] some music, panty boy?

[30:01] They just start picking on him

[30:02] for no reason,

[30:03] and then he kills all of them.

[30:04] Gonna shoot us with that gun?

[30:05] And it's like,

[30:06] they want...

[30:06] Because if there's one thing

[30:07] that tough guys hate,

[30:08] it's music.

[30:11] They cannot stand it.

[30:12] And if there's one thing

[30:13] that people waiting for a train

[30:14] are in danger of,

[30:15] it's, I guess,

[30:15] being bullied by nobodies

[30:17] on the train platform.

[30:18] Because even if they're

[30:19] bullying you on the platform,

[30:20] you're getting in the same train car.

[30:21] It's gonna be an awkward ride

[30:22] after that.

[30:23] Yeah.

[30:24] But they,

[30:25] they wanted to give you

[30:26] one of those moments

[30:27] where the bad guy

[30:28] gets to kill a couple assholes

[30:29] so that you kind of

[30:30] like the bad guy

[30:31] for a second,

[30:32] but it didn't work.

[30:33] You still don't like him,

[30:34] and he just blew up

[30:36] the downtown.

[30:36] And he shot a guy

Dan McCoy

[30:37] in the knee,

[30:37] which personally,

[30:38] I don't like right now.

[30:41] Dan was like...

[30:42] You start thinking

Stuart Wellington

[30:42] about all the physical therapy

Elliott Kalan

[30:43] that guy's gonna have

[30:44] to go through.

[30:45] Except then he got killed.

[30:46] And you're like,

[30:46] just shoot him in the face.

[30:48] Dan was like,

[30:49] you know what,

[30:49] I kind of like this Matthew Fox.

[30:50] And then he shot

[30:51] the guy in the knee

[30:51] and he went,

[30:52] whoa.

[30:53] You have just broken

[30:54] the unwritten law.

[30:55] Take him down.

[30:56] Take him down,

[30:57] Cross.

[30:58] Cross him off

[30:59] your Cross list.

[31:00] Yeah,

Stuart Wellington

[31:00] that's what Dan

[31:01] was punching

[31:02] into his text message.

[31:03] It was,

[31:03] okay,

[31:04] Cross,

[31:04] you can kill this guy.

[31:06] Yeah,

[31:07] issuing instructions

[31:08] to the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[31:09] So Tyler Perry

[31:10] and Ed Helms,

[31:12] Ed Burns drive up.

[31:14] Ed Helms

[31:14] would have been

[31:15] a way better partner.

[31:17] Ed Burns drive up

[31:17] and they're like,

[31:18] what are you doing?

[31:19] Blah, blah, blah.

[31:20] The bazooka blast explodes.

[31:22] They are just

[31:23] at the perimeter

[31:24] of the blast

[31:25] so they get thrown

[31:25] back a little bit

[31:26] but not hurt

[31:26] whereas everyone else

[31:27] is vaporized.

[31:30] Like maybe he had

[31:31] a tiny warhead

[31:32] on that bazooka charge.

Dan McCoy

[31:33] But taking no time

[31:35] to mourn

[31:35] their following colleagues,

[31:37] they zoom off

[31:37] in their car.

[31:38] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[31:38] I guess the chief of police

[31:39] is dead.

[31:40] He's in charge now.

[31:42] And the rest of the movie

[31:43] is almost in real time.

[31:44] They just drive off.

[31:45] We get a long shot

[31:46] of Matthew Fox

[31:48] getting into his car

[31:49] at a parking garage,

[31:50] turning his radio on,

[31:52] driving down the off ramp.

[31:53] Finding his ticket.

[31:54] Finding his parking lot ticket.

[31:56] And then as he's leaving

[31:57] the parking lot,

[31:58] it's all done

[31:59] from one shot

[32:00] inside the car.

[32:01] That's in a totally

[32:02] different style

[32:03] than the rest of the movie.

[32:03] It's shot like in DV.

[32:04] It's like they mounted

[32:05] a camera in the back.

[32:06] And then he crosses

[32:08] the doorway

[32:09] and they were hoping

[32:11] to hide a cut

[32:11] but it's really poorly done.

[32:13] And then Alex Cross

[32:14] smashes into him

[32:15] with his van.

Dan McCoy

[32:16] Yeah.

[32:17] I mean,

[32:17] I don't want to make

[32:18] too much fun of it

[32:18] because it's the only time

[32:19] in the movie

[32:20] that the director

[32:21] is trying to do

[32:22] anything with this style.

[32:23] Well, that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[32:23] If the movie was more like that,

[32:25] I'd be like,

[32:26] okay, this has some style to it.

[32:27] But just having one

[32:28] different style moment

[32:30] in a very bland movie,

[32:31] it sticks out so badly.

[32:34] It's like the scene,

[32:34] you know, in a...

[32:35] Maybe a second unit director

[32:36] did that part.

[32:37] Maybe.

[32:38] Maybe a second unit director

[32:39] with a lot of big ideas.

Stuart Wellington

[32:40] He let some teenager

[32:41] look at the script

[32:42] for a couple hours

[32:43] and picked which,

[32:44] how the teenager

[32:45] would want the movie shot

[32:46] or something.

Elliott Kalan

[32:47] I guess so.

[32:47] It's kind of like

[32:48] everyone loves

[32:49] the big shot

[32:50] in Goodfellas

[32:52] when they go through

[32:52] the kitchen of the club.

[32:54] But like,

[32:54] if that shot happened

[32:55] in the middle of

[32:56] like an episode

[32:56] of I Love Lucy,

[32:57] you'd be like,

[32:58] what the hell is going on?

[33:00] What happened

[33:00] to the three camera setup

[33:02] with a studio audience?

[33:05] This, I guess it's cool

[33:06] in theory,

[33:07] but why would it,

[33:08] this doesn't make sense.

[33:09] So the rest of the movie

[33:11] is just a chase scene

[33:11] between Tyler Perry

[33:13] and Matthew Fox.

[33:14] They're in an old theater

[33:15] that's turned into

[33:16] a parking garage,

[33:17] which we know

[33:17] because they get

[33:19] the coordinates of the car

[33:20] and he goes,

[33:21] he's in the,

[33:22] and Tyler Perry goes,

[33:23] he's in the old theater

[33:23] and Ed Burns goes,

[33:26] but they turned that

[33:27] into a parking garage.

[33:28] Thanks for the information,

[33:29] movie.

Dan McCoy

[33:31] But then in the actual

[33:32] fight scene,

[33:33] they seem to be

[33:33] doing totally different things.

[33:34] Like there's still

[33:35] an old theater there

[33:36] that they're going

[33:37] to have a fight out with.

[33:38] It's like above

Elliott Kalan

[33:38] the parking lot,

[33:39] they still have all

[33:40] the old catwalks

[33:41] and the old ceilings

[33:41] and they fight.

[33:42] Perfect for battling.

[33:43] And there's a big

[33:44] action punch out

[33:45] between Tyler Perry

[33:46] and Matthew Fox

[33:46] where it's like

[33:47] Matthew Fox

[33:48] is this guy

[33:48] who earlier we saw

[33:49] destroy a professional

[33:50] ultimate fighter

[33:51] and now Tyler Perry

[33:53] is holding up

[33:53] against him pretty well.

Dan McCoy

[33:55] Yeah,

[33:55] I mean,

[33:55] he's on a rampage.

[33:56] Well,

[33:56] but there was that moment

[33:57] where Tyler Perry

[33:58] slow motion.

[33:59] big and he crawls up

[34:00] and he crawls up

Dan McCoy

[34:00] buildings and eats people

[34:01] and punches them

[34:02] until the buildings

[34:03] fall down.

[34:03] Tyler Perry did

[34:04] slow-mo kick

[34:05] Matthew Fox

[34:06] on the balls.

[34:07] That was a good moment.

[34:08] I liked that.

Stuart Wellington

[34:08] The camera starts to shake,

[34:10] everything goes slow

[34:10] and you know

[34:11] that's coming right

[34:12] for his nards.

[34:12] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[34:13] And then,

[34:14] and the guy from

[34:14] Matthew Fox

[34:15] has nards.

[34:16] And the whammy

[34:17] from Press Your Luck

[34:17] shows up on screen

[34:18] and goes,

[34:19] whoop!

[34:19] And then brushes away

[34:21] all the points

[34:21] Matthew Fox

[34:22] has accumulated.

[34:25] Just sweeps him away

[34:26] with his whammy broom.

[34:28] So they're fighting,

[34:29] there's a big fight,

[34:30] the ceiling,

[34:30] the floor they're fighting on

[34:32] which is the roof

[34:32] of the building

[34:33] is very unstable,

[34:34] they're falling through it

[34:35] and they fall through it

[34:37] and it's just like

[34:38] the end of the movie

[34:39] we watched a long time ago.

[34:41] One of you guys mentioned

[34:42] that.

[34:42] Obsessed.

[34:43] Obsessed.

[34:43] Where the good guys

[34:45] holding on to the bad guys.

[34:45] Where Beyonce's arms

[34:46] grow really long

[34:47] or whatever.

[34:48] Her legs get pulled

[34:49] really long.

[34:49] Which was in the

[34:50] Idris Elba movie

Dan McCoy

[34:51] and they really should have

[34:52] switched roles.

[34:53] Like Tyler Perry

[34:53] and Obsessed

[34:54] would have made a lot more sense.

[34:55] I could understand

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] her being obsessed

[34:57] with Tyler Perry.

[34:58] And I could totally

[34:59] understand him

[34:59] cheating on Beyonce

[35:00] because Tyler Perry

[35:02] I don't see as having

[35:03] the personal

[35:05] control that Idris Elba has.

[35:07] I don't know.

[35:09] Are you saying that

Stuart Wellington

[35:10] Idris Elba has the

[35:11] self-control of a guy

[35:12] who's been handsome

[35:13] all his life

[35:13] so he knows how to

[35:14] handle women

[35:15] as compared to a guy

[35:16] who's a little pudgy

[35:18] and now he's coming

[35:19] to all this wealth

[35:19] and women are crazy about him.

Elliott Kalan

[35:20] Even though he's married

[35:21] to a beautiful woman

[35:22] another pretty-ish woman

[35:24] comes up and is like

[35:25] hey

[35:26] and he's like

[35:26] I don't know how to

[35:27] handle this.

[35:28] Now that he's

[35:29] dripping in power

[35:30] and gems.

[35:30] Idris Elba knows

[35:31] when it's time to

[35:32] Tanqueray

[35:33] or that tonight

[35:34] we Tanqueray

[35:35] whatever those ads say

[35:36] where it's just

[35:36] Idris Elba sitting

[35:37] on a stool drinking

[35:38] by himself.

[35:39] You're saying it wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] How do you say it?

[35:41] Just not like you.

[35:42] You make it sound dorky.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] No.

[35:44] You say it.

Stuart Wellington

[35:45] Tonight we Tanqueray.

[35:47] Okay.

[35:47] That's better.

[35:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:49] Yeah.

[35:49] You know he's a handsome

[35:50] guy Idris Elba

[35:51] you know walking around

[35:52] in Luther wearing

[35:52] two coats.

[35:53] Two coats all the time.

[35:55] Just yeah being all

[35:55] handsome playing the accordion

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] on the Prometheus.

[35:57] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:59] Looks like he rolled out of bed

[36:00] and he's still handsome.

Dan McCoy

[36:02] Yeah.

[36:02] So anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] Give me a slice of that.

[36:04] Matthew Fox falls to his death.

Dan McCoy

[36:05] Not starring Idris Elba.

Elliott Kalan

[36:07] It would have been better

[36:08] if Idris Elba was in it.

[36:09] It still would have been

[36:09] a bad movie.

[36:10] We can all agree.

[36:10] So Matthew Fox

[36:12] falls to his death

[36:12] on a car

[36:14] and if this was a different movie

[36:16] then when the police came

[36:17] he'd be gone

[36:18] and they'd be like

[36:19] what?

[36:19] But I saw him die.

[36:21] And then there would be

[36:22] a scene where

[36:23] Tyler Perry goes home

[36:24] to his children

[36:24] and Matthew Fox shows up

[36:26] and he has to save

[36:27] his children.

[36:27] There'd be that last

[36:28] final scare scene

[36:29] when you're not used to it

[36:30] but this isn't that kind of movie

[36:32] so instead

[36:32] Tyler Perry just kind of

[36:33] goes back to his family

[36:34] and that's the end of it.

Dan McCoy

[36:36] No no there's another

[36:36] there is a final scene.

[36:37] Oh that's right I forgot.

[36:39] There is a final comeuppance.

[36:40] Where it turns out

[36:41] that Jean Reno

[36:41] was behind it

[36:42] the entire time.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] Somebody hired Matthew Fox

[36:44] it was Jean Reno.

[36:46] It turns out

[36:46] he was involved

[36:48] in some kind of shady dealing

[36:50] and he had to get rid

[36:50] of the people who knew

[36:51] and fake his own death.

[36:53] And now he's in some

[36:54] Asian tropical vacation.

Dan McCoy

[36:56] But Alex Cross

[36:57] figures it out

[36:57] because he's a super genius.

Elliott Kalan

[36:59] And Alex Cross

[37:00] he has him on the phone

[37:01] and Jean Reno

[37:02] literally says like

[37:03] I had to do it.

[37:04] They knew too much

[37:05] but you have nothing on me.

[37:07] Nothing.

[37:07] And it never occurs to him

[37:08] that like

[37:09] Alex Cross

[37:10] could just record

[37:10] this confession

[37:11] but it doesn't occur

[37:12] to Alex Cross either

[37:13] because it turns out

[37:14] he's planted

[37:14] two kilos of cocaine

[37:16] in Jean Reno's house.

[37:17] That's the thing

Dan McCoy

[37:18] because Alex Cross

[37:19] doesn't want justice

[37:19] he wants vengeance.

[37:21] He wants Jean Reno

[37:21] to get shot

[37:22] by a firing squad

[37:23] which is what happens.

[37:24] And he goes

[37:24] you know what the

Elliott Kalan

[37:25] punishment is

[37:26] for drug smuggling

[37:27] where you are?

Dan McCoy

[37:28] Death by firing squad.

[37:30] That's the funny thing

[37:31] that's the final joke.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:33] Final joke on us all.

[37:34] Yeah.

[37:35] This movie does

[37:35] and at the end of the movie

[37:36] Alex Cross goes home

[37:38] and he's like

[37:38] standing outside

[37:39] like looking at his children

[37:40] like wondering

[37:41] if life can be the same again.

[37:42] And I don't think

[37:43] that the film

[37:43] like actually realizes

[37:45] the degree to which

[37:46] like this character

[37:47] is morally compromised

[37:48] by the end.

Elliott Kalan

[37:49] This character

[37:50] has become soiled

[37:51] in our eyes.

Dan McCoy

[37:51] Like he kills

[37:52] Matthew Fox outright

[37:54] and kills Jean Reno.

[37:55] I mean that was

[37:56] self-defense

[37:56] while chasing a suspect.

[37:57] But like Jean Reno

[37:58] is just like

[37:58] well I'm gonna plant

[37:59] cocaine on you

[38:00] and have the government

[38:01] of this other country

[38:02] shoot you.

Elliott Kalan

[38:03] It almost feels like

[38:04] they're going for like

[38:05] a Dark Knight type thing

[38:06] where he has to break

[38:07] his own rules

[38:07] to get results

[38:08] but then he's

[38:09] corrupted by it

[38:10] but instead

[38:11] he's just

[38:11] doing whatever he wants

[38:13] killing people

[38:14] and then in the end

[38:15] he goes back

[38:15] to his family.

[38:16] Alex Cross.

[38:18] You got crossed.

Stuart Wellington

[38:19] I like that

[38:19] there's a moment

[38:20] where Jean Reno

[38:21] tries to claim

[38:22] like I did not mean

[38:23] to have your wife

[38:24] get killed

[38:25] but like

[38:25] he also killed

[38:27] like the police chief

[38:28] and all these other police

[38:29] like he killed

[38:30] a ton of people.

[38:30] He killed a lot of people.

[38:31] And that was part

[38:32] of the plan right?

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] Because it's like

[38:34] the idea I guess

[38:35] is that he hired

[38:36] this assassin

[38:37] but didn't realize

[38:37] the assassin was a maniac

[38:38] and not even

[38:39] an invisible maniac.

[38:41] Yeah.

[38:41] A regular maniac.

[38:43] The breast kind of maniac.

[38:45] You both guys

[38:47] both have CKS

[38:49] or Crypt Keeper Syndrome.

[38:51] Puns just pop out

[38:52] of your sentences.

[38:55] CKS is a real danger.

[38:57] Be aware of it.

[38:58] Learn how to protect

[38:59] yourself from CKS.

[39:00] Crypt Keeper Syndrome.

[39:01] Boys and ghouls.

[39:02] Oh no I've got it.

Dan McCoy

[39:03] You call it a disease

[39:04] I call it a blessing.

Elliott Kalan

[39:06] That's my curse.

[39:07] That's my blessing.

[39:08] That's your cross to bear.

[39:09] So he has

[39:13] what we

[39:14] oh yeah

[39:14] so the idea is that

[39:15] he didn't

[39:15] this guy went out of control

[39:17] but part of the plan

[39:18] yeah is murdering

[39:18] a bunch of police

[39:19] with a bazooka.

[39:20] Like did he think

[39:21] he was going to get

[39:22] his body double

[39:22] was going to get

[39:23] killed in a clean way?

[39:26] It's not a well thought

[39:27] through plan

[39:27] from Jean Reno

[39:28] who you'd think

[39:29] would know better

[39:29] since he is the professional.

[39:31] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[39:32] So I guess we all

[39:32] No women no kids.

[39:33] So Dan.

Dan McCoy

[39:36] Yes sir.

Stuart Wellington

[39:37] So what do you think

[39:38] about the movie?

[39:39] It was pretty great right?

Dan McCoy

[39:40] It was pretty

[39:41] This is the point

[39:42] in the movie

[39:42] where we give our

[39:43] point in the podcast

[39:44] rather where we give

[39:45] our final judgments

[39:45] about the movie

[39:46] whether it was

[39:47] a good bad movie

[39:48] a bad bad movie

[39:49] or a movie we kind of liked.

[39:50] I say that this was

[39:53] if you imagine

[39:54] the most generic thriller

[39:55] and then

[39:56] don't cast that

[39:58] with a

[39:59] you know

[40:00] charismatically

[40:01] just cast it with

[40:02] just a guy.

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] Well he's not just a guy

[40:04] he's a huge star.

Dan McCoy

[40:06] Yeah but I guess

[40:07] I mean

[40:07] But he's a huge star

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] for doing something

[40:08] other than this.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] Yeah I haven't seen him

[40:10] in other things

[40:10] perhaps in drag

[40:12] it's like that old thing

[40:14] about

[40:15] what was it

[40:16] Esther Williams

[40:16] like dry she's nothing

[40:17] wet she's a star.

[40:19] Yeah.

[40:19] Like I feel like

[40:20] maybe that's the secret

[40:21] of Tyler Perry.

[40:22] They should have thrown

[40:22] a bucket of water over him.

[40:23] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[40:25] Hmm.

[40:26] But I just

Elliott Kalan

[40:26] I'll watch it I guess.

[40:28] But no

[40:28] it's true that

[40:29] what he does best

[40:30] is what's not showcased

[40:32] in this movie

[40:33] and what's made him

[40:33] a huge star

[40:34] with lots of fans

[40:35] is not in this.

[40:36] And it is like a

[40:36] by the numbers

[40:37] cookie cutter thriller

[40:38] that like if

[40:39] Nicolas Cage

[40:40] had had the starring

[40:40] role in this movie

[40:41] it could have been great.

[40:43] If he had played

[40:43] both the lead roles

[40:44] the hero and the villain

[40:46] now you're talking

[40:47] about a movie.

[40:48] But then it would have

[40:49] been changing

[40:49] it would have meant

[40:50] changing Alex Cross

[40:50] to a white character

[40:51] which would have been

[40:51] kind of weird.

Stuart Wellington

[40:53] I don't know

[40:54] is a pretty wide range.

Elliott Kalan

[40:55] You're saying

[40:56] in blackface

[40:57] is Alex Cross.

Stuart Wellington

[40:58] I mean it worked

[40:59] in Cloud Atlas.

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] It didn't really

[41:01] work in Cloud Atlas.

Stuart Wellington

[41:03] Wait that wasn't

[41:03] Nicolas Cage?

[41:04] No.

[41:05] What movie did I watch?

Elliott Kalan

[41:07] You watched Cage Atlas.

[41:08] The movie where

[41:09] reenacts all Cloud Atlas.

[41:12] But yeah

[41:12] Tyler Perry

[41:14] was just so quiet

[41:14] and like not

[41:15] not smoldering.

Stuart Wellington

[41:17] I'm gonna jump in here

[41:18] and say

[41:18] I think it was almost

[41:19] a good bad movie

[41:21] because Matthew Fox

[41:23] is super weird

[41:23] and there's that scene

[41:25] where he shimmies

[41:25] up like a drain pipe.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] He swims up

[41:28] a fountain

[41:29] water slide.

[41:30] There's some really

Stuart Wellington

[41:31] crazy stupid crap in it

[41:32] and

[41:33] There is some crazy

[41:33] stupid stuff in it.

[41:34] And the hero's wife

[41:35] does get killed.

[41:36] I didn't expect it

[41:37] to go that far.

[41:38] I expect him to just

[41:39] shoot the baby

[41:40] out of her body.

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] Yeah I thought

[41:41] that was gonna be

[41:42] one of those situations

[41:42] where

[41:43] we saved her

[41:45] but we lost the baby.

[41:45] The bullet goes

[41:46] into her belly

[41:48] there's an x-ray shot

[41:49] of the fetus

[41:50] ducking out of the way

[41:51] as the bullet flies by it

[41:53] stirring up the amniotic fluid

[41:55] and then it goes out

[41:56] the other side.

[41:57] No no no

Stuart Wellington

[41:57] I thought

[41:59] I thought they were

[41:59] still gonna shoot the baby.

[42:01] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[42:03] The baby's gonna

[42:03] literally get shot

[42:04] out of the body

[42:05] but then it's gonna

[42:06] stand up and be like

[42:06] don't worry guys

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] Just consider it

[42:11] a C-section.

[42:12] I think it could have

[42:13] been a good bad movie.

[42:14] I'd say it's on the

[42:15] it's on the brink.

Dan McCoy

[42:17] Don't patronize me

[42:18] if you don't agree

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] that's fine.

[42:19] I thought it was

[42:20] but when you look at it

[42:21] there are like

[42:22] there's the scene

[42:22] where they're looking

[42:23] at the crime scene

[42:24] and they're like

[42:25] where Matthew Fox

[42:27] says cut this woman's

[42:27] fingers off

[42:28] to find out

[42:28] what her laptop

[42:29] password is

[42:30] which is something

[42:30] But she couldn't even talk

[42:31] how did he figure that out?

[42:32] It's also something

[42:33] that like

[42:33] I don't think

[42:34] he ever needed

[42:35] that laptop

[42:35] for anything

[42:36] maybe it was

[42:37] to get into

[42:37] the train

[42:38] I don't know

[42:39] or the building

[42:40] but he

[42:40] where they say like

[42:42] Ed Burns is like

[42:43] but he wouldn't

[42:44] she would have given up

[42:45] the information

[42:45] after one finger

[42:46] he didn't have to

[42:47] cut them all off

[42:48] and Tyler Gregg goes

[42:48] one was for the information

[42:50] the rest were for fun

[42:51] and it's like

[42:51] you have no evidence

[42:53] to support this

[42:53] you guys are just

[42:54] making conjecture

[42:55] about something

[42:56] you cannot

[42:56] that you cannot

[42:57] figure out

Stuart Wellington

[42:57] and I would think

[42:58] that I mean

[42:59] I'm not a guy

[42:59] who cuts fingers off

[43:00] but I would think

[43:01] after like

[43:01] two or three

[43:02] you'd get kind of

[43:03] bored with it

[43:03] then it just becomes

[43:05] you know

[43:05] a job

Elliott Kalan

[43:06] it's like zip lining

[43:08] you go on a zip line

[43:09] course with like

[43:10] ten zip lines

[43:11] yeah the first two

[43:11] or three

[43:12] you're like

[43:12] this is exciting

[43:12] and then eventually

[43:13] like how many lines

[43:14] we got left

[43:15] it's like

Stuart Wellington

[43:16] crispy cream donuts

[43:17] the first one's good

[43:18] second and third one

[43:19] no way

[43:19] you never want a donut

[43:20] ever again

[43:20] it's the opposite of Pringles

Elliott Kalan

[43:21] once you pop

[43:21] you can't stop

[43:22] but with fingers

[43:23] you can stop

[43:23] after a couple fingers

Stuart Wellington

[43:24] and if you crunch

[43:25] they'll still make more

[43:26] you can crunch all you want

Elliott Kalan

[43:27] who cares

[43:28] use the can to make

[43:29] like drum on a guitar

Dan McCoy

[43:30] on a trash can lid

[43:31] so before we move on

[43:33] to the next segment

[43:34] I just want to say

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] and yeah I know

[43:37] those Doritos by the way

Dan McCoy

[43:38] don't write a letter David

[43:39] there are no

[43:39] there are no specific things

[43:42] I want to plug over there

[43:43] but I do want to

[43:43] take a moment and say

[43:44] go over to

[43:46] allthingscomedy.com

[43:47] take a look at the other

[43:48] great comedy podcasts

[43:50] they have there

[43:51] they're all a delight

[43:52] great selection of podcasts

[43:54] and support

Stuart Wellington

[43:56] didn't Tom Papa's podcast

[43:58] just join?

Dan McCoy

[44:00] I believe so

[44:01] I believe you are correct

[44:02] but I also want to

[44:05] make a vague plug

[44:06] which is saying

[44:07] a plug

[44:07] that

[44:08] I believe it is in

[44:10] June

[44:11] I think June 8th

[44:13] right?

Elliott Kalan

[44:14] we'll be doing our

[44:14] next live show

[44:15] we know it's not

[44:17] until June

[44:17] but that'll become

[44:18] faster than you think

Dan McCoy

[44:19] and that's going to be

[44:21] again at 92 Y Tribeca

[44:22] but I believe this time

[44:24] we have the larger venue

[44:25] so

[44:26] yes

Elliott Kalan

[44:26] so

[44:27] we're

[44:28] the tickets are not

[44:28] for sale yet

[44:29] but we'll let you know

[44:30] when they are

[44:31] but you should

[44:31] buy them up

[44:32] and encourage other people

[44:33] because we're going to

[44:33] fill up the bigger space

[44:34] which holds a lot more

[44:36] people so we really

[44:37] need to fill it

[44:38] otherwise we will look

[44:39] like total dorks

Stuart Wellington

[44:40] unlike normal

[44:42] where we look like

[44:43] kings of men

Elliott Kalan

[44:44] where we're super

[44:45] awesome-oids

Dan McCoy

[44:46] but that space

[44:47] also has its own bar

[44:48] so you no longer

[44:49] have to run out

[44:49] in the middle

[44:50] of the thing

[44:51] if you want to get

[44:51] more drinks

Elliott Kalan

[44:52] yeah and you'll be

[44:52] sitting at like

[44:53] you know

[44:54] chair

[44:54] not theater chairs

[44:55] yeah

[44:56] cabaret style seating

[44:57] there'll be an MC

[44:58] the Nazis will be outside

[45:00] just like cabaret

[45:01] it'll be great

[45:02] but yeah

[45:02] it's in the bigger space

[45:03] so there'll be

[45:04] much more seating

[45:05] anyone wants to come in

[45:06] from out of town

[45:06] to see it

[45:07] go ahead

[45:08] because there's more

[45:09] chairs we gotta fill

[45:10] I'll give you permission

[45:11] you're now allowed to

[45:13] tell them Elliot sent you

[45:15] but then pay for a ticket

Stuart Wellington

[45:15] parking will be validated

Elliott Kalan

[45:17] it won't be validated

[45:18] no

[45:18] well I don't know

[45:19] no there's no

[45:20] I don't think it will

[45:20] they don't have a garage

Dan McCoy

[45:21] this is the point

[45:22] where we answer

[45:23] a few letters

[45:24] from our listeners

[45:24] in the Flophouse

[45:25] movie mailbag

[45:26] let's do that

[45:27] sometimes people

[45:27] write in to us

[45:28] yeah

[45:28] and sometimes

[45:30] we answer them

[45:31] this letter

[45:32] is from Brian

[45:33] last name withheld

[45:34] he's entitled

[45:35] he's actually titled

[45:36] sorry

[45:37] oh he's pretty entitled

[45:38] Brian

[45:39] just give it up

[45:40] okay

[45:40] he titled this email

[45:42] pilot season

[45:43] and he says

[45:45] this better be a question

[45:46] about Launchpad McQuack

[45:46] hey everyone

[45:47] including any guest hosts

[45:49] that may or may not

[45:50] be on this particular episode

[45:51] if they aren't

[45:52] this email is for

[45:52] Dan and Elliot

[45:53] but it concerns Stu

[45:54] so

[45:56] yes I'm awesome

[45:57] I keep going

[45:58] say the news

[45:59] is no longer funny

[46:00] and the daily show

[46:01] shuts down

[46:01] and to make ends meet

[46:02] you have to go pitch

[46:03] a new show pilot

[46:04] that stars Stuart Wellington

[46:05] yeah it's called jazz

[46:06] I don't know why

[46:09] that's your only option

[46:10] but it simply is

[46:11] so the question is this

[46:13] what kind of show

[46:13] would you pitch

[46:14] that would play

[46:14] to both the strengths

[46:15] of Stuart

[46:16] and also to getting

[46:17] mainstream success

[46:18] a wacky office drama

[46:20] for NBC

[46:20] no

[46:20] where laid back

[46:21] dude Stu

[46:22] being the foil

[46:23] to some uptight

[46:24] necktie business types

[46:25] no

[46:25] a risque showtime show

[46:27] where Stuart runs

[46:28] a bordello

[46:28] and steals men's wives

[46:29] Stuart's nodding yes

[46:31] and possibly is also

[46:32] a vampire

[46:32] first off

Stuart Wellington

[46:34] I'm okay with nudity

[46:35] guys

Dan McCoy

[46:35] a classy HBO affair

[46:37] that's basically

[46:38] artless with Stuart

[46:39] as a sports agent

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] or a not classy

[46:41] Cinemax affair

[46:42] where Stuart reads

[46:43] diary letters

[46:44] that have been sent

[46:44] in to him

[46:45] about different

[46:46] sex stories

Dan McCoy

[46:46] a family comedy

[46:48] for CBS

[46:48] with Stuart

[46:49] as a crude

[46:49] blue collar worker

[46:50] with a smoking hot wife

[46:51] or something

[46:52] actually new

[46:52] and creative

[46:53] Stuart is not

Elliott Kalan

[46:54] unattractive enough

[46:54] to be a guy

[46:55] with an attractive wife

[46:56] in a CBS comedy

Dan McCoy

[46:57] or will it be

[46:58] something actually

[46:58] new and creative

[46:59] from the minds

[47:00] of the Emmy award

[47:01] winning duo

[47:01] of Kalen and McCoy

[47:02] Kalen has first billing

[47:04] because he has more Emmys

[47:05] thank you

[47:05] yes

[47:06] I'm gonna stop

[47:08] running that gag

[47:08] into the ground

[47:09] on the Facebook page

[47:09] at some point

[47:10] just wanted to send

[47:11] an email

[47:11] that had nothing

[47:11] to do with ding-dongs

[47:13] damn it

[47:13] there they are again

[47:14] oh well

[47:15] keep up the good work

Elliott Kalan

[47:16] Brian last name

[47:17] nothing gets

[47:17] the ding-dongs out

[47:18] I've tried

[47:19] and I've tried

[47:20] try new DDR

[47:22] ding-dong remover

[47:23] DDR really gets

[47:25] the ding-dongs out

[47:26] no you don't want

[47:26] to use DDR

[47:27] that is carcinogenic

[47:28] oh god

[47:29] but nothing else

[47:30] gets ding-dongs out

[47:31] it's worth the risk

[47:34] what do you want

[47:36] ding-dongs or cancer

Dan McCoy

[47:37] what the fuck

[47:38] are you talking about

Elliott Kalan

[47:39] so what show

[47:41] would we pitch for Stuart

[47:42] now I see him as

[47:43] I would say

[47:44] a wisecracking bartender

[47:45] but Cheers already existed

[47:46] so he's gonna be

[47:47] a wisecracking bartender

[47:48] and then it's a little

[47:49] close to home you know

[47:50] well that's the thing

[47:50] you gotta play what you know

[47:51] oh okay

[47:52] wisecracking bartender

[47:53] in a bordello

[47:54] that you own

[47:55] the piano is played

[47:56] by an animated cat

[47:57] who you also voice

[47:58] and each week

[48:00] uh

[48:01] wait

Stuart Wellington

[48:01] the animated cat

[48:03] is the piano

[48:04] like it's played by

[48:05] no no no

[48:05] he's the

[48:06] he's the pianist

[48:07] okay

Dan McCoy

[48:08] it's funny that you say

[48:09] that about the cat

[48:10] because I was gonna

[48:11] pitch a show

[48:11] where Stuart is actually

[48:12] the voice

[48:13] of the parrot

[48:15] on a pirate

[48:17] pirate captain's

[48:18] shoulder

[48:18] and he is the brains

[48:20] behind this pirate's

[48:22] adventures

[48:24] okay

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] sounds sexy

[48:26] a lot of blouses

[48:28] I think we're cutting off

Elliott Kalan

[48:29] one of the main

[48:29] selling points here

[48:30] which is

[48:31] the Stuart Wellington

[48:32] punham

[48:32] that's gonna get

[48:34] a lot of ladies

Stuart Wellington

[48:34] cgi my punham

[48:35] on top of this

[48:36] parrot

[48:36] that never looks

[48:38] weird

Dan McCoy

[48:38] a little weird

[48:38] maybe Stuart could

[48:39] play both the

[48:40] captain and the

Elliott Kalan

[48:41] parrot

[48:41] now you're talking

[48:42] okay

[48:43] and he's what like

[48:45] um

[48:45] captain love of the

[48:46] ss sexy

Stuart Wellington

[48:47] do I have to do

[48:48] do I have to do accents

[48:49] because I got a million

[48:50] of them

[48:50] hello hello

[48:52] I'm a pirate

[48:53] that's one

Elliott Kalan

[48:54] you're a chimney

[48:55] sweep turned pirate

[48:56] what's your parrot voice

[48:57] that's not great

[49:01] okay I'm still working on it

Stuart Wellington

[49:03] how about

[49:03] I'm a pirate

Elliott Kalan

[49:05] is that

[49:06] some kind of weird

[49:07] Hans and Franz French

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] I'm a pirate parrot

[49:10] that's what I just said

[49:11] I said it in

[49:12] Germanic French

Elliott Kalan

[49:13] okay

[49:14] interesting

[49:14] well uh

[49:16] we'll work on this

[49:17] I think you gotta

[49:17] solve crimes at some point

[49:19] maybe you play saxophone

[49:20] at night under a street lamp

[49:22] with

[49:22] yeah

[49:22] case of the week

[49:23] steam coming

[49:23] it's called

[49:25] Stuart Wellington's

[49:26] case of the week

[49:26] and it's you

[49:27] sitting at your desk

[49:28] you go

[49:28] ah

[49:28] pull up a chair

[49:29] put your getaway sticks

[49:31] up on the desk

Dan McCoy

[49:31] let me tell you

[49:32] about my case of the week

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] but I do like this

[49:34] saxophone

[49:35] next to a steaming

[49:35] manhole cover

[49:36] yeah

[49:36] uh this

Dan McCoy

[49:39] and a lot of sex scenes

[49:40] this next email

[49:41] comes from

[49:42] you're not in them

[49:42] okay

Stuart Wellington

[49:43] but I'm watching them

[49:44] you're watching them

[49:44] yeah

[49:45] nodding approvingly

[49:46] or shaking my head

[49:48] you're describing

[49:49] when they go too far

[49:50] it's called

Elliott Kalan

[49:50] Stuart Wellington's

[49:51] sex describer

[49:52] and it's just you

[49:54] watching you have sex

[49:55] and describing it

[49:55] over the phone

[49:56] and judging people

[49:59] Stuart Wellington

[50:00] sex judge

[50:00] I like what you did here

[50:02] that this is not correct

[50:03] work with it

[50:05] make it work

Stuart Wellington

[50:06] so it's shot

[50:07] in a reality show

[50:08] style

[50:09] but it isn't

[50:10] a reality show

[50:11] but it's a scripted show

[50:11] yeah it's scripted

[50:11] sure

[50:12] okay

[50:12] giving you guys a chance

[50:13] to really flex your

[50:14] writing muscles

[50:15] exactly yeah

Dan McCoy

[50:16] it's on stars

[50:17] so it may not exist

[50:20] so this is an email

[50:23] from Tim

[50:25] last name withheld

[50:26] and it is titled

[50:27] Dan's Thing

[50:28] uh

[50:29] okay

[50:30] ding nongs again

[50:30] he says

[50:32] dear floppers

[50:32] I would like to inform

[50:34] Dan that his tragic

[50:35] ongoing search

[50:36] to find his thing

[50:36] has finally been resolved

[50:37] at least in the eyes

[50:38] of one person

[50:39] my wife

[50:40] picture a man

[50:41] working diligently

[50:42] in a study

[50:43] it is early evening

[50:44] and bar the single

[50:44] lamp on his desk

[50:45] his only accompaniment

[50:46] is the dulcet sound

[50:47] of the flop house

[50:48] filling the room

[50:49] it is the all about

[50:50] Steve episode

[50:51] though the episode

[50:52] is Elliot free

[50:53] the man still

[50:54] the man still

[50:55] finds himself

[50:55] laughing out loud

[50:56] hearing his laughter

[50:58] the man's wife

[50:58] enters the room

[50:59] she places her hand

[51:00] gently on his shoulder

[51:01] what are you listening to

[51:02] she asks

[51:03] the couple look over

[51:04] to the speakers

[51:05] the wife smiles

[51:06] eager to share

[51:07] in her husband's mirth

[51:08] the husband smiles too

[51:09] but what do they hear

[51:10] this loving couple

[51:11] do they hear Stuart

[51:13] uttering the hilarious

[51:14] wait what

[51:15] or perhaps a contribution

[51:16] from the house cat

[51:17] on his way out

[51:18] for a night on the town

[51:19] no from the speakers

[51:21] Dan has reached

[51:22] the part of that

[51:22] particular podcast

[51:23] where he describes

[51:25] in excruciating detail

[51:26] the logistics of a woman

[51:27] sliding down a banister

[51:28] on her bare vagina

[51:29] oh I'm glad I wasn't

[51:31] there for that one

[51:32] bar giving the man

[51:35] a quiet look of

[51:36] disappointment

[51:37] and making a

[51:37] passing reference

[51:38] to Dan as being

[51:39] filthy

[51:39] the incident has not

[51:41] been mentioned again

[51:42] so there you go

[51:43] why would you talk

[51:44] about that

[51:45] for most listeners

[51:46] your heartbreaking

[51:46] quest for a shtick

[51:47] continues but don't

[51:48] worry

[51:48] know that at least

[51:49] one woman out there

[51:50] thinks you have one

[51:51] she considers you to be

[51:52] the most depraved

[51:53] creature to walk the

[51:54] earth

[51:54] a vagina obsessed

[51:56] monster

[51:56] maybe it's not

[51:57] something

[51:58] put it on your

[51:58] business card Dan

[51:59] it's a thing

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] I think you should do

[52:01] that Dan K. McCoy

[52:02] vagina obsessed monster

[52:03] that's your business card

Stuart Wellington

[52:04] it was part of your

[52:05] wife's vows right

[52:06] what

[52:06] she loves

[52:07] her vagina obsessed

[52:08] monster

Dan McCoy

[52:09] what a weird pet

[52:11] name

[52:12] have and hold

[52:12] this vagina obsessed

[52:13] monster

[52:14] well yeah you did it

Stuart Wellington

[52:17] Dan you creeped out

[52:17] somebody's wife again

[52:18] and it wasn't even by

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] asking about her butt

[52:21] I guess I should

Dan McCoy

[52:23] apologize

[52:23] to this man

[52:26] that he married a

[52:28] woman who doesn't

[52:28] enjoy comedy

[52:29] whoa

[52:30] whoa

[52:31] wow

Elliott Kalan

[52:32] totally uncalled

[52:34] for

[52:34] she fired the first

[52:36] shot

[52:37] let's just say

[52:37] the opinions of

[52:39] those men in this

[52:40] section do not

[52:40] reflect that of the

[52:41] Flophouse podcast

[52:42] or all things comedy

[52:44] for that matter

[52:44] or all things comedy

[52:45] it is just Dan

[52:46] McCoy's personal

[52:47] perviness

[52:48] what a terrible

[52:50] point for the

[52:51] it should have been

[52:51] an Elliot episode

[52:52] I never would have

[52:52] stood for something

[52:53] like that

[52:53] yeah well

Stuart Wellington

[52:55] do you think when

[52:56] Dan read that

[52:57] letter the first

[52:57] time he did a

[52:58] bunch of naked

[52:58] pull ups

Elliott Kalan

[52:59] and each time he

[53:00] went a little bit

[53:01] higher up

[53:01] so the camera

[53:02] almost saw his

[53:03] ding dong

[53:04] yeah

[53:05] teasing it

[53:06] actually

Dan McCoy

[53:09] I think that

[53:11] we're running

[53:13] a little

[53:14] along

[53:15] so we may have

[53:15] to tie up

[53:16] the old mailbag

[53:17] do we have any

[53:17] other letters though

[53:18] we've got many

[53:19] other letters

[53:20] let me do

[53:21] one more

[53:22] let's do a quick

[53:22] one

[53:22] let's do a quick

[53:23] letter

[53:23] okay I've got

[53:24] one here

[53:24] a short stack

[53:25] it's titled

[53:25] crying with boobs

[53:26] this is not gonna

[53:29] be a short letter

[53:30] it's from

[53:31] Lauren's last name

[53:32] withheld

[53:32] he says

[53:33] gent it took

[53:34] a bit of

[53:35] googling

[53:35] no

[53:36] a depressing

[53:37] amount of

[53:38] which just

[53:38] involved pictures

[53:39] of praying

[53:40] molesting

[53:40] april o'neill

[53:41] also harley quinn

[53:42] for some reason

[53:43] oh I get it

[53:45] but here it is

[53:45] really laura croft

[53:46] wasn't there at

[53:47] some point

[53:47] warning highly

[53:48] not safe for work

[53:49] pretty gross

[53:51] a picture of

[53:52] praying with boobs

Stuart Wellington

[53:53] real enough

[53:55] not a cartoon

Dan McCoy

[53:56] both the robot

[53:57] body and

[53:58] crank

[53:58] have boobs

[53:59] but they also

[54:01] have massive

[54:01] fake penises

[54:02] what

[54:03] which they're

[54:03] both using

[54:04] to pee on

[54:04] a girl's feet

Elliott Kalan

[54:05] I never should

[54:05] have asked

[54:06] for one more

[54:06] letter

Dan McCoy

[54:06] I like to think

[54:07] that when

[54:08] professor

[54:09] Kleinrock

[54:09] was slaving

[54:10] over his

[54:10] computer all

[54:11] those years

[54:11] ago

[54:12] in the back

[54:12] of his mind

[54:13] he was

[54:13] thinking

[54:13] someday

[54:14] people will

[54:14] use this

[54:15] wonderful

[54:15] invention

[54:15] to better

[54:16] themselves

[54:17] through

[54:17] freely

[54:17] available

[54:18] knowledge

[54:18] and also

[54:19] share

[54:19] pornographic

[54:20] pictures

[54:20] of children

[54:20] cartoon

[54:21] characters

[54:21] that embody

[54:22] a surprising

[54:23] number of

[54:23] fetishes

Elliott Kalan

[54:24] it probably

[54:25] isn't that far

Dan McCoy

[54:25] from Kevin

[54:26] Eastman's

[54:26] hopes for the

[54:27] character

[54:28] don't

[54:30] why are you

[54:31] showing us

[54:32] this

[54:32] do not post it

[54:34] here you go

Elliott Kalan

[54:36] that's horrifying

[54:38] why does that

[54:39] exist

[54:39] so many horrible

[54:41] fetishes all at

[54:42] once

[54:42] that works

[54:43] for me

[54:44] let me tell you

[54:45] it's pretty hard

[54:46] to see what a

[54:46] red penis

Stuart Wellington

[54:47] it's the

[54:48] description

[54:48] it's a robot

[54:50] penis

[54:50] urinating

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] it should be

[54:51] biologically impossible

[54:52] to do that

[54:52] but it is a robot

[54:53] there's still

[54:54] something about it

[54:55] there's two penises

[54:56] I never thought

[54:57] I'd see something

[54:57] so we're talking

Stuart Wellington

[54:58] about the character

[54:58] Krang from the

[54:59] Teenage Mutant Ninja

[55:00] Doodles cartoon

[55:00] the living brain

Dan McCoy

[55:01] Krang

[55:01] on that one

[55:04] the penis on

[55:05] the Krang brain

[55:06] appears to be

[55:07] ejaculating on the

[55:08] girl and then

[55:09] the penis on the

[55:10] robot is peeing

[55:12] we better hope

[55:12] that guy's wife

[55:13] he didn't say

Elliott Kalan

[55:14] hey they're talking

[55:15] about my letter

[55:15] and then she walked

[55:16] in for this part

[55:17] look I didn't

[55:19] bring it up

Stuart Wellington

[55:19] you did

[55:20] bring it up

[55:21] he told her

[55:22] we were talking

[55:22] about her letter

[55:23] so she went

[55:24] and baked us

[55:24] a cake

[55:25] that said

[55:26] I forgive you

[55:26] and she walked

[55:27] right in at that

[55:28] moment and then

[55:29] dropped it on the

[55:29] floor

Dan McCoy

[55:29] and then threw it

[55:30] on the floor

[55:31] she shouldn't have

[55:31] forgiven us

[55:32] in the first place

[55:33] that was her mistake

[55:33] I never thought

Elliott Kalan

[55:34] I'd see something

[55:34] weirder than

[55:35] the illustration

[55:35] of two transformers

[55:37] with human genitals

[55:37] having sex

[55:38] but I did

[55:39] so thanks Dan

Dan McCoy

[55:40] so that concludes

[55:43] the letter

[55:43] with a bang

Elliott Kalan

[55:44] why did I ask

[55:45] for another letter

Dan McCoy

[55:46] and now comes

[55:47] the last segment

[55:48] in our show

[55:49] where we recommend

[55:50] movies we actually

[55:51] enjoyed and think

[55:52] that the listener

[55:53] might also

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] yeah mine is called

[55:55] penis crag

[55:56] peas again

Stuart Wellington

[55:57] well on the subject

[55:59] of

[56:00] of kind of

[56:02] on building

[56:03] on nostalgia

Elliott Kalan

[56:03] I thought you

[56:05] were going to say

[56:05] on the subject

[56:06] of disembodied heads

[56:07] doing crazy things

[56:08] there's a movie

[56:08] called Head of the Family

Stuart Wellington

[56:09] I just

[56:10] I just watched

[56:11] Wreck-It Ralph

[56:11] which is great

[56:13] it was nominated

[56:13] for best anime feature

[56:15] and I'm assuming

[56:16] many of our listeners

[56:16] have already seen it

[56:17] but I really liked it

[56:19] in some ways

[56:20] I felt like it

[56:21] it out Pixar'd

[56:22] Pixar this year

[56:23] it's a well told story

[56:25] it is incredibly

[56:26] well voice acted

[56:27] specifically from

[56:29] Flophouse fave

[56:30] Alan Tudyk

[56:30] yeah go see it

Dan McCoy

[56:32] I would like to

[56:34] recommend a movie

[56:35] called Prime Cut

[56:37] starring Lee Marvin

[56:39] Gene Hackman

[56:40] and Sissy Spacek

[56:41] in her first

[56:42] accredited role

[56:43] and it's directed

[56:45] by Michael Ritchie

[56:45] it's a

[56:47] mean guy Ritchie

[56:48] no

[56:48] Michael Ritchie

[56:50] it's a

[56:51] 1972

[56:52] gritty crime drama

[56:54] that is about

[56:56] a enforcer

[56:57] from

[56:58] Chicago

[57:00] who goes down to

[57:01] I believe

[57:02] near Kansas City

[57:03] to

[57:04] collect some money

[57:05] Kansas City Kansas

[57:06] or Kansas City Missouri

[57:07] I can't remember

[57:08] but he's collecting

[57:08] some money

[57:09] from Gene Hackman

[57:09] who on the side

[57:11] is running

[57:12] a white slavery

[57:13] ring that involves

[57:14] Sissy Spacek

[57:16] and a bunch of

[57:16] other girls

[57:17] like being in

[57:18] like a cattle

[57:19] like pen

[57:20] naked

[57:20] for some reason

[57:22] in his downstate

[57:23] like weird

[57:24] crime ring

[57:25] but

[57:26] this is a movie

[57:27] that got made

[57:27] yeah

[57:28] with

[57:29] a bunch

[57:30] of respectable

[57:30] people in it

[57:31] but

[57:31] it's a great

[57:33] sleazy crime film

[57:34] and

[57:35] what's interesting

[57:36] to me about it

[57:37] is it's a sleazy

[57:37] crime film

[57:38] that's set

[57:39] in the rural

[57:40] Midwest

[57:40] and as someone

[57:41] from the rural

[57:42] Midwest

[57:42] I really appreciate

[57:43] the way

[57:44] it makes

[57:45] that area

[57:46] seem super

[57:47] menacing

[57:48] and weird

[57:49] in a way

[57:50] that is not

[57:51] accurate

[57:51] to my

[57:53] personal experience

[57:54] growing up

[57:54] but I found

[57:55] a lot of fun

[57:55] so that's my

[57:57] recommendation

[57:58] prime cut

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] well my

[57:59] recommendation

[57:59] is going to be

[58:00] a movie

[58:00] that I watched

[58:01] a while ago

[58:02] and I was

[58:02] meaning to

[58:02] recommend

[58:03] but we've

[58:04] been having

[58:04] out of the

[58:05] ordinary

[58:05] episodes I

[58:06] guess

[58:06] yeah

[58:07] so this

[58:08] I'm going to

[58:08] recommend

[58:08] an older

[58:09] film

[58:09] shocker

[58:10] called

[58:12] Viva Zapata

[58:13] this is an

[58:14] Ilya Kazan

[58:14] movie

[58:15] say what you

[58:15] will about

[58:16] his personal

[58:16] politics

[58:17] and the way

[58:18] he treated

[58:18] other people

[58:19] he made a

[58:20] bunch of

[58:20] good movies

[58:21] and this

[58:22] one's really

[58:22] good

[58:23] starring Marlon

[58:23] Brando

[58:24] Anthony

[58:25] Quinn

[58:25] Eli

[58:25] Wallach

[58:26] is in

[58:26] it

[58:26] and

[58:27] it's a

[58:28] historic

[58:29] film

[58:29] about

[58:30] Emiliano

[58:30] Zapato

[58:31] the

[58:31] agrarian

[58:33] rebel

[58:33] in Mexican

[58:34] history

[58:35] and

[58:35] it's just

[58:36] really good

[58:37] there's a lot

[58:37] of good

[58:38] gritty

[58:38] fighting scenes

[58:39] there's a lot

[58:39] of good

[58:40] dialogue

[58:40] scenes

[58:41] they do a

[58:42] good job

[58:42] of

[58:42] kind of

[58:43] building a

[58:44] portrait

[58:44] of a

[58:44] man

[58:44] who

[58:45] has what

[58:46] it takes

[58:46] to be

[58:46] a hero

[58:47] and a

[58:47] leader

[58:47] but feels

[58:48] like he's

[58:49] not educated

[58:50] enough to

[58:50] really take

[58:50] advantage

[58:51] of it

[58:51] and so

[58:52] as a result

[58:52] gets used

[58:53] by other

[58:53] people

[58:54] and the

[58:55] only real

[58:55] problem in it

[58:55] is that

[58:56] Marlon Brando's

[58:57] Mexican makeup

[58:58] is a little

[58:59] too heavy

[59:00] and they pull

[59:01] back his eyes

[59:01] as if he's

[59:02] Edward G.

[59:03] Robinson in

[59:03] The Hatchet Man

[59:04] playing like a

[59:05] Tongue Assassin

Stuart Wellington

[59:06] or like Sean

[59:08] Connery

[59:08] and you only

[59:09] live twice

[59:09] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[59:10] or all the

[59:12] people in

[59:12] Cloud Atlas

[59:13] basically

[59:13] but so

[59:15] that's

[59:16] and people

[59:16] complain all

[59:17] the time

[59:17] about

[59:17] Touch of

[59:17] Evil

[59:18] and they

[59:18] say

[59:18] Charlton Heston

[59:19] playing a

[59:19] Mexican

[59:20] but Charlton

[59:21] Heston is

[59:21] kind of a

[59:21] more convincing

[59:22] Mexican

[59:23] than Marlon

[59:23] Brando in

[59:23] this

[59:24] but Marlon

[59:24] Brando's

[59:24] performance

[59:25] is still

[59:25] great

[59:26] it's just

[59:26] that like

[59:26] he over

[59:27] he attempts

[59:28] to over

[59:28] play

[59:29] being Mexican

[59:30] but uh

[59:31] just like

Dan McCoy

[59:32] a Speedy

[59:32] Gonzalez

[59:32] voice

Elliott Kalan

[59:33] yeah

[59:33] exactly

[59:34] the whole

[59:34] thing is

[59:35] I'd like

[59:36] to I want

[59:36] to overthrow

[59:36] the government

[59:37] I think

[59:38] no

[59:39] he's basically

[59:40] just

[59:40] he does the

[59:41] thing that

[59:42] old Hollywood

[59:42] actors did

[59:42] when they

[59:43] played other

[59:43] ethnic groups

[59:44] which is that

[59:44] they talk

[59:45] a little

[59:45] slower

[59:46] but it's

[59:48] still really

[59:49] good

[59:49] and I

[59:50] highly

[59:50] recommend

[59:50] it

[59:51] and

[59:51] that's

[59:52] the movie

[59:52] Viva Zapata

[59:53] exclamation

[59:54] point

Dan McCoy

[59:54] well guys

[59:55] come to

[59:56] another episode

[59:58] and that

[59:59] comes the

[59:59] saddest part

[1:00:00] of the episode

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:00] where we

[1:00:01] re-watching

[1:00:02] Alex Cross

[1:00:03] to make sure

[1:00:04] we were correct

Dan McCoy

[1:00:05] you may not

[1:00:06] realize this

[1:00:07] out in podcast

[1:00:08] listening land

[1:00:08] but we

[1:00:09] watch the movie

[1:00:09] before and

[1:00:10] after

[1:00:10] we call it

[1:00:12] a flop sandwich

[1:00:12] we do it

[1:00:14] to punish

[1:00:14] ourselves

[1:00:14] because we

[1:00:15] are not

[1:00:16] happy with

[1:00:16] who we are

[1:00:17] as people

[1:00:17] hey guys

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:18] I'm glad

[1:00:18] we can

[1:00:19] cross this

[1:00:20] one off

[1:00:21] of the

[1:00:21] list of

[1:00:22] movies we

[1:00:22] have to

[1:00:23] watch

[1:00:23] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:23] talk about

[1:00:24] a real

[1:00:24] Alex

[1:00:25] did that

[1:00:26] work

[1:00:26] no

[1:00:27] did that

[1:00:27] well let's

[1:00:29] workshop

Dan McCoy

[1:00:29] okay

[1:00:30] we'll work on

[1:00:31] that

[1:00:31] but for

[1:00:32] the

[1:00:32] plop house

[1:00:32] I've been

[1:00:33] Dan McCoy

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:33] what else

[1:00:34] does Alex

[1:00:35] mean Elliot

[1:00:36] I don't think

[1:00:37] anything else

[1:00:37] okay well then

[1:00:38] my name's

[1:00:39] Stuart Wellington

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:39] and my name's

[1:00:41] Elliot Kalin

[1:00:42] but not Alex

[1:00:43] goodnight

[1:00:44] everyone

[1:00:44] bad

[1:00:46] we are waiting

[1:00:51] for Dan McCoy

[1:00:52] to take the

[1:00:53] stage

[1:00:53] he has

[1:00:54] poured himself

[1:00:55] a glass

[1:00:56] of some

[1:00:56] sort of

[1:00:57] liquid

[1:00:57] he's now

[1:01:00] handing a

[1:01:00] coaster to

[1:01:01] Mr. Stuart

[1:01:02] Wellington

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:02] Elliot

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:03] Kalin

[1:01:05] that's me

[1:01:06] and now

[1:01:08] Dan is

[1:01:09] taking his

[1:01:09] seat

[1:01:09] before the

[1:01:10] hushed crowd

[1:01:11] you're to see

[1:01:12] what he is

[1:01:13] presenting

[1:01:13] this time

[1:01:14] he winces

[1:01:16] slightly

[1:01:17] knee still

[1:01:18] hurting

[1:01:18] wonder if

[1:01:19] that's gonna

[1:01:19] affect his

[1:01:20] performance

[1:01:20] tonight

[1:01:20] I guess

[1:01:22] there's

[1:01:22] only one way

[1:01:23] to find out.

The Flop House: Episode #122 - Alex Cross

Transcript

In this episode

Description