The Flop House: Episode #122 - Alex Cross

[0:00] They crossed the wrong man.

[0:02] No, really, they chose the wrong man to play Alex Cross.

[0:30] hey everyone and welcome to the flop house i'm dan mccoy i'm stewart wellington and over here

[0:40] number three elliot kalin how many of these have we done so you never seem to remember feels like

[0:45] a zillion and yet every time you you are taken aback taken by surprise that you have to introduce

[0:51] your name ahem rarow okay well out of practice that's a rusty house cat uh also a great drink

[0:58] the rusty house cat so not so great a sexual position no it's terrible here we are the three

[1:04] of us back uh with another regular episode after our once a year flop-tacular yep now we'll be

[1:10] watching a movie and talking about it uh and did we ever oh boy strapping mama mia sweet suzy q

[1:21] we watched a little film called hold on to your hair oh boy harry medea's alex cross

[1:27] Tyler Perry Medea presents Tyler Perry's House of Alex Cross, starring John C. McGinley.

[1:33] What?

[1:33] Well, he's in it.

[1:35] From Scrubs?

[1:36] Yes.

[1:37] He's in more than Scrubs.

[1:38] That Olive Garden commercial?

[1:39] Yeah.

[1:40] Olive's Garden?

[1:41] From Identity?

[1:42] Yeah, he's in a lot of things.

[1:44] Wait, was he the little kid or the fat guy?

[1:46] He was John Cusack.

[1:49] So the fat guy.

[1:50] Oh.

[1:51] Oh.

[1:52] Count it.

[1:54] The Q's has been burned, but Stu.

[1:56] So, yeah, we watched a little film called Alex Cross, the reboot of the Alex Cross franchise.

[2:03] You may remember the Alex Cross movies from before, Kiss the Girls and Spider-Web McGee.

[2:09] Walking in a spider web.

[2:11] Yeah.

[2:12] Which one had a callback girl?

[2:16] I think that was another one.

[2:17] I think now you're just talking about Gwen Stefani, no doubt, songs.

[2:20] Wait, which one had Ashley Judd in it?

[2:25] I don't...

[2:26] Kiss the Girls, I think.

[2:28] She was Alex Cross.

[2:30] Alexis Cross.

[2:32] Spoiler alert, Carrie always was the bad guy in Kiss the Girls.

[2:35] And how do you know? Because he was the only other character.

[2:37] I like to think he was Bobbly Wobbly.

[2:41] Yeah, the good guy of Oogie Loves the Movie.

[2:44] Bobby Wobbly.

[2:45] Okay.

[2:45] Now, in the old movies...

[2:48] Old movies. These movies are like 15 years old.

[2:50] Alex Cross was played by...

[2:52] In the classic Alex Cross movies.

[2:54] In the talkie, Alex Cross, the movie.

[2:56] He was played by Morgan Freeman, who you may best know as the voice of Penguin Documentaries.

[3:02] But he was an actor before that.

[3:05] As a good actor with a lot of charisma and screen presence.

[3:10] And let's face it, a lot of bad movies under his belt.

[3:12] No, but sure.

[3:13] But he brings a certain ineffable something.

[3:16] A certain gravitas plus a charm.

[3:19] Like in Wanted?

[3:21] Kind of.

[3:23] I mean that's – you hire him to bring a seriousness of purpose that is also likable.

[3:27] Whereas I guess Tyler Perry –

[3:31] Who plays Alex Cross in this movie.

[3:33] Is a guy who wants to make the leap to being an action hero.

[3:40] He is – the movie seems to be starring a character who is a kind of semi-in-shape, quiet-spoken fellow who wants to break into a new market.

[3:49] like everything about the movie seems to scream tyler perry is doing this this isn't your dad's

[3:56] tyler perry hold on it's an all-new tyler perry except tyler perry presents the new tyler perry

[4:01] 2.0 except for it feels like he is like a sitcom dad who wandered into an action thriller yeah

[4:07] it's like that uh it's like that chris elliott showtime special action family was called action

[4:13] dad do you remember that one no i don't every time he's outside it's a cop thriller and every

[4:17] time he's inside it's a family sitcom it's not it's not totally successful but it's a funny thing

[4:23] track it down on video everybody it shares a videotape with fdr one man show which is

[4:27] genuinely fantastic two great chris elliott showtime specials from the early 90s

[4:32] sponsored by chris elliott hey we're brothers in elliott we gotta look out for for fellow elliott

[4:40] now what were we talking about alex cross starring tyler perry okay so yeah he's in really good

[4:46] shape right not exactly he's in good shape he's in oak he's a barrel chested man so he has the

[4:51] he has the grace and oh you guys are talking about tyler perry i was talking about matthew fox well

[4:56] let me i'm just gonna finish that tyler perry has the grace and the elegance of a late career

[5:00] stephen seagal where it's almost like a mattress on legs is getting into fights but matthew fox

[5:05] is in this as the villain and he is super jacked i just want to say also like i once described

[5:09] myself as 1950s fit and i think that that also applies in a different way to tyler perry i guess

[5:15] So, yeah, in the same way that, like, Wallace Beery was fit in the 30s, where it's like, he looks strong.

[5:20] I mean, he doesn't look, like, attractive or healthy, but he looks strong.

[5:24] But he looks like, yeah.

[5:25] Yeah, you eat plenty of protein and hamburgers and stuff, and you'll get there.

[5:29] Yeah, it's beef protein strong.

[5:31] He's not going to fall down.

[5:31] No.

[5:32] I mean, he might fall down if he has to run down a sewer for a while.

[5:38] As in the beginning of the movie.

[5:39] So we go through what this movie is about.

[5:41] I guess.

[5:42] I mean, you can just imagine a standard thriller.

[5:45] And put Tyler Perry in it.

[5:46] Except there are a few surprises in it that you wouldn't expect.

[5:49] Okay, the movie starts with Alex Cross, who is a forensic psychologist, basically.

[5:54] He's a mind hunter, if you will.

[5:56] Yeah, he's just wrapping up a case at the very beginning.

[5:58] He's wrapping up a previous case by chasing a man through a sewer and shooting guns at him.

[6:03] Now, you might recognize the career of forensic psychologist from every television show and movie made in the past.

[6:10] He's a real CSI, SUV, NCIS, Law and Order.

[6:14] Like, he's tough, he's a great dad, but he's also a genius.

[6:17] That's the thing.

[6:18] He can get inside the mind of criminals for some reason.

[6:21] He's better than Sherlock Holmes, because Sherlock Holmes needs to look at clues, whereas Alex Gross can just kind of stare in the distance, and suddenly he's like, this guy's ex-military.

[6:29] He walks through, at one point he walks through a crime scene, and they go upstairs, and he's like, those bullet holes were from a .38.

[6:37] He's like, wait, did you even look at them?

[6:39] You didn't even, like, you didn't even, like, bend down.

[6:43] can smell the size of the thing is off so alex cross

[6:47] the alex cross is a is a forensic pathologist let's call him he's a mind hunter he has a family

[6:55] that loves him two kids a loving wife and a sassy granny played by cicely tyson and uh i think it's

[7:01] just his mom well but she's sassy she's super sassy she is the medea of this movie she says

[7:08] things like don't you go out that door and things like that and like get your foot off my bench

[7:13] yeah and don't be playing that piano yeah i wish uh i wish he had said peony that's the proper old

[7:21] person way to say piano don't you play my peony but she didn't she said piano she's she knows how

[7:27] to talk she's not a monster she's not a gold prospector she's just an old lady so alex cross

[7:34] is living the dream his partner is his best friend from childhood ed burns who fully the first 10

[7:40] lines of dialogue from ed burns all seem to have been looped after the fact through uh adr so you'll

[7:45] just see him in long shot and you hear ed bird's voice going good work alex but also hey come back

[7:52] here guy look i haven't seen tyler perry in a lot of things so i don't want to speak to him as an

[7:56] actor i do but i will say that he's you don't even want to speak to him what if he's on the phone

[8:00] dan right now he knows what he did alex let me let me see because i know you want to talk to him

[8:05] His character was so believable.

[8:07] Yeah, he goes by Alex now.

[8:10] I'm not going to call him Tyler.

[8:12] Part of his gritty reboot.

[8:13] Yeah.

[8:14] No, I'm just saying that I don't want to speak to him as an actor, but I don't know that he was cast correctly.

[8:20] No, he was not.

[8:21] Well, originally, apparently, this was a role for Idris Elba, which makes a little more sense.

[8:25] Dreamboat.

[8:26] He is a dreamboat.

[8:27] He can do both sexy, charismatic, and sullen.

[8:30] He's a giant of a man.

[8:32] He's a big guy who you could believe punching bad guys, and he already played a gritty TV detective in television.

[8:38] Yeah.

[8:39] But you mentioned this is the gritty reboot of Alex Cross.

[8:41] We might want to remind our listeners that just as Spider-Man got a gritty reboot and Batman with the Dark Knight series and Superman upcoming,

[8:50] that famous character Alex Cross, one of your most beloved movie franchise characters, needed a reboot.

[8:56] But the point I wanted to make—

[8:58] Everyone was crying out for a new Alex Cross universe because the Alex Cross canon had gotten too continuity thick.

[9:04] The plan I wanted to make that I don't know is actually worth making at this point.

[9:08] Made it very difficult for new viewers to just jump into these movies.

[9:12] To jump in because there's so much to know about Alex Cross.

[9:14] He's a detective, he's a black guy, that's about it.

[9:17] He's got a family.

[9:18] He's got a family.

[9:19] Well, at least for the first half of the movie.

[9:22] Bum, bum, bum.

[9:23] I was just going to say that if you're going to give Alex Cross a partner, with Tyler Perry being as dull as he was, maybe you don't want to go with a Matthew Fox.

[9:31] Or not a Matthew Fox, sorry.

[9:33] An Ed Burns.

[9:34] You do want to go with a Matthew Fox.

[9:36] You do want to go with a Matthew Fox.

[9:37] We'll get to that.

[9:37] But Ed Burns is just gravelly and dull.

[9:40] I think they should have gone with like, who would they, should they have gone with?

[9:43] Like a Gilbert Gottfried?

[9:44] Yes.

[9:45] Or like a Rob Schneider?

[9:46] Sure.

[9:47] A Joe Pantoliano might have been a good fit.

[9:50] Yeah, Detroit cop Dennis Rodman.

[9:53] Jonah Hill sort. Now, the movie

[9:55] is set in Detroit. Stewart looked up

[9:57] and found that the Alex Cross character is set

[9:59] usually in D.C., but they added

[10:01] him to Detroit just so that we

[10:03] could spend the whole movie hoping RoboCop would

[10:05] show up. Alas, he does not.

[10:07] Every time they showed the words Detroit,

[10:09] we got on the edges of our seat.

[10:11] There's literally a part where Gene Renaud is in it

[10:13] as a wealthy real estate

[10:15] developer. Who's got a big body, but a small

[10:17] little mouth. Because Gene Renaud's

[10:19] face is growing faster than his mouth is.

[10:21] And he likes to wear white Panama hats

[10:23] But he has a presentation about the new Detroit with all these new buildings, and it's like, oh, stop teasing us with possible robocops.

[10:30] Like a semi-evil bad guy, like millionaire who wants to rebuild Detroit?

[10:36] Like, come on.

[10:37] Just bring in – just give us one Ed 209 scene.

[10:39] We barely got an end to this.

[10:41] And also there's another – there's a woman who's part of their detective squad.

[10:45] Yeah, Rachel Nichols.

[10:46] Who is also sleeping with Ed Burns.

[10:48] Now –

[10:49] I mean, can you blame her?

[10:50] Alex Cross is a –

[10:53] That's not where I would have gone with that.

[10:54] Alex Cross loves his family, and they get a case because suddenly –

[11:01] Because it's their job.

[11:01] Basically, they spend a lot of time establishing that Alex Cross is married and has kids and a lovely family, and his wife is pregnant.

[11:07] They're going to have a third kid on the way, but uh-oh, Matthew Fox comes along.

[11:12] He drives up in his fancy car to what looks like a campus chapel and gets a phone call with a mystery man giving him $3 million to kill some people.

[11:21] This leads to an elaborate plan that involves him entering some kind of underground daytime campus chapel ultimate fighting ring just to impress a rich woman so that he can seduce her and then get a laptop from her and kill her and her bodyguards.

[11:38] Because, Elliot, middle of the day is the new middle of the night.

[11:41] Only the cool people get really dressed up nice and go out to ultimate fighting championship rings.

[11:47] I think the only way to seduce a woman is to choke another man in front of her.

[11:50] is to win an ultimate fighting match.

[11:52] I was saying to you guys while we were watching it

[11:54] that if it was midnight or two in the morning,

[11:56] you'd be like, oh, this sleazy after-hours secret fighting ring.

[12:00] That's kind of gritty.

[12:01] But it's the middle of the day,

[12:02] so all I could think was, like, this is a lot of unemployed people.

[12:04] Detroit really doesn't have enough jobs.

[12:06] All this is so pathetic, all these unemployed guys

[12:10] just hanging out in this abandoned church.

[12:12] Yeah, dancing while Rome burns.

[12:14] Fighting while Rome burns.

[12:17] All these new ultimate fighting jobs that are being created in Detroit.

[12:18] They opened up two ultimate fighting jobs.

[12:20] So he goes with her back to her house.

[12:23] They search him for a weapon.

[12:24] And Matthew Fox is playing this very, like, he lost all of his body fat, basically.

[12:29] He's just super whippet strong.

[12:32] He looks like a jacked James Carwell, kind of.

[12:34] Yeah, I can see that.

[12:35] Like Jack Carwell.

[12:36] Like a lizard skeleton that's somehow been animated.

[12:40] He has muscles, but he is totally bald.

[12:43] Muscular lizard.

[12:44] A muscular lizard, you know, like a He-Man villain.

[12:48] But super, but, like, thin.

[12:50] But without the little underpants and belt.

[12:52] Because he's naked when he works out in this movie.

[12:54] Without the furloin cloth and the belt with a big opal in the center.

[12:57] And, like, a harness on his chest that has nothing attached to it.

[13:02] It's just, like, a symbol with straps across his chest.

[13:04] It's just to draw attention to the money areas.

[13:06] The pecs.

[13:07] The shoulders.

[13:08] The money areas.

[13:09] And without the, like, real tail-spinning action where you squeeze the legs and the tail spins around.

[13:14] Yeah, because, let's just get this clear, Matthew Fox does not have a tail in this movie.

[13:18] not a lizard man hybrid this is not the gritty reboot of spider-man that has a lizard man in it

[13:22] but it's fair i mean like if you imagine matthew fox from lost and then like cross that with a

[13:27] praying mantis that's basically matthew fox in this movie yeah okay so more of an insect than

[13:31] a lizard okay he reminds me of the snake man that you see fighting in jonah hex the movie but without

[13:36] the charisma let's get that straight yeah he is kind of he kind of is trying very hard in this

[13:41] role but it feels like he's sleepwalking through it but anyway he injects his victims the in this

[13:46] case it's this sexy woman who wants to have sex a lot like a lizard he injects venom into a victim

[13:51] she has a great line where he said he notices there's a statue of the god of war next to her

[13:56] bed and she says not kratos but some japanese one that doesn't exist kratos what mythos is that

[14:03] from the god of war video games because most people i think when they think god of war they

[14:06] think aries mars i think you'll be you're gonna be disappointed actually really these are different

[14:14] frames of reference anyway a japanese got a war and she says sex is a lot like war both require

[14:20] will and strategy and i just love the idea that she never goes to bed without a game plan

[14:26] check her resources figure out her her bedmates vulnerable points i'm gonna invade from just below

[14:32] the testicles i'm gonna proceed upward okay man you flank around her butt while i go straight

[14:39] through the middle

[14:40] where her vagina is.

[14:41] It's called

[14:43] The Old One 2.

[14:43] Come on,

[14:46] we're playing it simple

[14:46] on this one.

[14:47] Hammer and anvil strategy.

[14:49] I learned at the academy.

[14:52] His killer MO,

[14:54] and he's kind of

[14:56] a serial killer,

[14:56] but he's also a killer

[14:57] for hire,

[14:58] so it's a little muddled,

[14:59] but he injects her

[15:00] with a green liquid

[15:01] that paralyzes her.

[15:02] It's not reagent.

[15:03] It's not reagent.

[15:04] Don't get excited.

[15:05] It's not the ooze.

[15:06] She doesn't turn into

[15:07] some kind of

[15:08] Matthew Fox Woman Hybrid.

[15:09] The secret of this ooze is it has no mutagenic properties.

[15:15] Not really a secret, which is what you might expect.

[15:19] And so it paralyzes you, but you can still feel what's going on.

[15:23] And to get the password for her laptop, it turns out he's cutting her fingers off one by one.

[15:28] But he's also hidden a tiny gun in his shoe so he can shoot some people.

[15:32] Now, so he kills her three bodyguards, and the police are called in because, I don't know, maybe someone heard gunshots or the housekeeper stumbled on the bodies.

[15:41] They never quite explain who found these bodies.

[15:43] I mean he probably called it in because he, you know.

[15:45] Oh, yeah, to rub their faces in it.

[15:47] Dead bodies, you know, they just call the police themselves in movies.

[15:51] And so that's when Alex Cross and Ed Burns walk in.

[15:56] And they meet John C. McGinley for the first time.

[15:58] Who's the police chief, and they argue, but it's like, there are a lot of scenes in this movie that feel like this is an episode of the Alex Cross TV series.

[16:06] It's almost like we're supposed to be like, uh-oh, there's the chief again, always on their case, but we don't know who these characters are.

[16:13] And when they establish themselves, they're so boilerplate, you know, boring.

[16:16] It's like the police chief learned how to be a police chief by watching a TV show, because every time Alex Cross shows up, he argues with him, but for no reason ever.

[16:25] It's like, you called him in, he's the specialist on this.

[16:27] There's even a point later on where the police chief congratulates his officers for not catching the criminal by putting in a good job.

[16:35] And later on, there's going to be a big assassination attempt, and Alex Cross calls it in.

[16:40] The police basically put the building under siege, and Alex Cross walks in and he goes,

[16:46] Oh, you're screwing it all up, everybody!

[16:48] And it's as if, you pointed out, Dan, as if he didn't call it in.

[16:51] As if he had nothing to do with it.

[16:53] What were they going to do?

[16:55] So Alex Cross can instantly see this is the work of one man, even though all he's seen is three dead guys lying on the ground.

[17:01] But even if it was the work of one man, it's not that impressive.

[17:04] Like one guy with a gun could easily kill three guys.

[17:08] Yeah.

[17:08] Like if you've seen the trailer, there's a scene where it's like, no, this is just one man.

[17:13] It's not like it's Riddick or something from the Pitch Black series.

[17:16] What crazy crime scenes do they come up with?

[17:19] Are there like 30 dead people?

[17:20] 30 people flayed and blood covering the walls?

[17:23] He's like, no.

[17:24] He's like, no, he had him stand on a block of ice, and the block of ice melted.

[17:28] I get it.

[17:29] The doctor was a woman.

[17:31] I would have loved if Alex Cross just solved all of his problems with mind riddles.

[17:35] The gun was made of ice.

[17:37] The gun was made of ice?

[17:40] That's how he snuck it past the guards, Dan.

[17:43] That's why the killer was wearing mittens in summer.

[17:47] They go up and they find the killer's other calling card, which is that he leaves charcoal cubist sketches of his victims, which when you fold them in like an Al Jaffe mad fold-in, give you clues to the next killer.

[17:59] Now, this is also something that is picked up and then never used as a clue again.

[18:03] And you see Matthew Fox angrily doing his charcoal sketches in his workout, in his kind of seaside workout studio slash gym.

[18:12] It's like a houseboat or something, right?

[18:13] It's like a land houseboat.

[18:14] Oh, okay.

[18:15] It's actually a really nice looking house for a bachelor.

[18:17] But he—

[18:18] I mean, he's pretty good at his job, though.

[18:20] I mean, like, he deserves to own that place.

[18:23] Oh, sure.

[18:23] You know, he's a super—he got $3 million off of this one job.

[18:25] He can easily buy some real estate.

[18:27] And in Detroit, prices are low.

[18:28] If ever there was a time to buy and just kind of hold on to it, waiting for a resurgence,

[18:32] especially if you're as liquid as he is with $3 million in the bank, now's the time.

[18:36] And near the water, he can go to Canada anytime he wants, probably.

[18:38] Oh, yeah.

[18:39] I mean, just anyone living in Detroit could do that.

[18:41] So any hitman out there—

[18:43] If you're looking for a place to set up an HQ, real estate is cheap in Detroit, especially if you've got three million big ones burning a hole in your pocket.

[18:49] And there's plenty of people who probably need to be paid to be killed, right?

[18:53] Yes.

[18:53] That's a tip from us at the Flophouse.

[18:55] So they find from the clues who the next victim is going to be, and it's a German businessman.

[19:00] Of some kind.

[19:01] Of some kind who's in Detroit as part of this big real estate venture, and he's a big jerk.

[19:07] And it looks like they tried to hire someone where if you were just walking by the TV real fast, you'd think it was Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:14] But he's not as good as Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:16] I usually assume people are Mads Mikkelsen.

[19:18] And also, just to get things straight, Mads Mikkelsen is Danish, not German.

[19:21] So if anyone thought he was German, he's Danish.

[19:24] Or if they were going to write an angry letter into us.

[19:26] We know that he's not German.

[19:28] He's Danish.

[19:29] Don't try and out Mads Mikkelsen, Elliot.

[19:31] Come on.

[19:31] Because you were going to be disappointed.

[19:32] Because let me just tell you, there's only three words that describe what I am, and that's mad about Mads.

[19:37] i'm mad mad yeah if possible elliot would have a mouthful of mads if he goes i don't know if i

[19:43] do that far that made me imagine him mads folding it always reveals itself to me it's a picture of

[19:50] mads mickelson when you hold it it becomes a different picture of mads mickelson a mads

[19:55] folding it's enough to drive you mad about mads but anyway so they go to and it's funny because

[20:03] Does the security at this building go from, we don't believe you, to, wait, let me give you this enormous assault rifle so that we can try to stop this killer.

[20:11] The killer's got a brilliant plan.

[20:13] He's going to scuba dive up through the pipes of a large fountain, burn a hole through the pipe, get out, and then make his way into the office of this guy he's going to kill.

[20:23] That sounds good.

[20:24] But it doesn't work out.

[20:25] He instead gets in a shootout with Alex Cross.

[20:28] He blows up a grenade that hurts the lady, and Ed Burns manages to wing him by shooting him in the shoulder, but he escapes.

[20:35] This is when they go back to the police station, and John C. McGill goes, good work, everybody.

[20:40] Could have been a lot worse.

[20:41] I mean, they did save the guy that was going to be killed, but on the other hand, the killer got away scot-free, and they caused a lot of damage.

[20:47] I mean, we may have misread that based on the rest of his character.

[20:50] He might have been sarcastic, but it didn't seem like it at the time.

[20:53] It seemed like he meant it.

[20:54] It was very strange.

[20:56] Well, yeah.

[20:57] Well, he was delivering a shit sandwich.

[20:58] Afterwards, he gave him a real dressing down.

[21:00] He gave him a reaming.

[21:01] Yeah.

[21:02] They go to investigate some more, and they find that all these people were working for Jean Reno, who is this big developer who likes to wear a gold.

[21:10] Is that a fat joke?

[21:11] No.

[21:12] He has gained weight.

[21:13] He's on that scale now between the old Jean Reno, who was skinny, and what Gerard Depardieu looks like now.

[21:23] So they go to him because he's an expert of cool assassins.

[21:26] French actors get bloated as they age.

[21:28] It's the hidden secret about French actors.

[21:31] Maybe the last one who didn't was Yves Montand, but otherwise.

[21:34] I don't know why that's specific to French actors.

[21:37] I mean, we're all putting on weight, Elliot.

[21:39] But French actors get it.

[21:40] It seems to shed it.

[21:41] Yep.

[21:42] Shed it like a lizard.

[21:43] Gravity's not your friend, guys.

[21:44] I'm just saying maybe there's something in the French diet that turns a leading man into a punch ball.

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:50] Bowls full of duck fat and whatnot.

[21:53] Yeah, you just tuck it in the morning to a breakfast of a bowl of duck fat.

[21:57] Smear it all over your...

[21:59] Just smearing Nutella on everything over there.

[22:00] Chocolate croissants.

[22:01] Yep, and so anyway...

[22:04] Smearing some Nutella on some brie.

[22:06] So, Jean Reno, you can tell there's something sinister about him because he wears a Panama hat.

[22:11] He's got a giant ring.

[22:12] And he's got a giant pinky ring.

[22:14] So you know he's a bad guy, but they've got nothing on him.

[22:17] They just think he's kind of sinister.

[22:19] And he looks like he's the next target of this ultra-super-secret serial assassin killer.

[22:24] And Alex Cross, meanwhile, is having no luck tracking this guy down.

[22:28] Although they do say, there is a scene where Ed Burns goes, get inside his head!

[22:31] And Alex Cross goes, he's ex-military.

[22:35] I don't know who is.

[22:36] Which is a great line because it's like, oh, he might work for somebody's personal military.

[22:40] He either was in the U.S. Special Forces, Israel's Defense Force, or Steve's Army.

[22:48] He's in Oliver's army.

[22:49] The Kiss army.

[22:49] He was in Dad's army.

[22:52] So now I'm a little confused about how things happened because this movie was so dull.

[22:58] Well, a couple of ladies died.

[22:59] Well, yes.

[23:00] So he captures – the killer sneaks into the lady cop's home.

[23:05] Rachel Nichols.

[23:06] Rachel Nichols' home and basically tortures information out of her.

[23:09] We don't see that.

[23:10] That's off camera.

[23:11] That's off camera.

[23:11] It was disappointing to me because the most interesting thing to me about this movie –

[23:15] Was perspective nudity?

[23:16] It was that there was a pretty lady in it, and then they killed the one lady.

[23:19] I thought you were saying that the most interesting thing to you was that the most disappointing

[23:22] was we didn't get to see Rachel Nichols tortured on screen.

[23:24] No, I'm not a monster.

[23:27] No, you're just a pervert, but I don't know.

[23:29] That's not my thing.

[23:30] I just like pretty ladies.

[23:31] And Rachel Nichols and Ed Burns do have a sex scene in which she reveals nothing.

[23:36] Yeah.

[23:37] But she, unfortunately, gets killed.

[23:39] She gets killed.

[23:40] And then in short order.

[23:41] Well, Matthew Fox is calling Tyler Perry while Tyler Perry's on a date with his wife.

[23:46] and he said yeah they play cat and mouse normal serial killer cop conversation uh it's pretty

[23:52] boring it's pretty dull it's a lot of you don't understand me and like what did you who started

[23:58] when did you start this as a kid don't try to get inside my head you know copper something while he

[24:02] gives the crazy googly eyes and wears his cool hat yeah and he does have a cool kind of like

[24:08] style hat uh and matthew fox is setting up a sniper rifle uh-oh for somehow he knew where

[24:14] alex cross was getting dinner that night and he's got a sniper pointed alex cross no then he points

[24:19] at alex cross's wife and alex cross realizes about what's about to happen too late too late jumps in

[24:25] the way but not enough and his wife gets killed seemingly by being shot in the butt yep a big one

[24:31] in the bread basket she goes through like the back of her with her chair i think i think it's

[24:35] like hit her spine oh okay but she dies also taking the unborn child with her so alex cross

[24:40] zero decency zero matthew fox fought four i think suddenly got a lot darker than you would expect

[24:47] it's a gritty reboot and then alex ross's wife and unborn child get killed edward burns takes

[24:52] it kind of in stride though right even though his girlfriend just got murdered he's not as sad as

[24:57] alex cross yeah i mean like you know he wasn't married so he's like sweet freedom yeah like

[25:02] giving alex cross like a high five and i was like no i'm not on board with this pizza and cereal

[25:07] every night, dude. Come on, dude, let's go

[25:09] for a drink. Who's gonna stop us, uh, girls?

[25:11] I can watch TV with the sound

[25:15] way up. So Alex...

[25:17] That's your idea.

[25:18] I don't have to keep the sound low when I watch porn now.

[25:21] Who's gonna hear me? The neighbors.

[25:23] I don't care about them. That's part of the turn-on.

[25:27] I'll pee with the bathroom door open.

[25:29] Hell, I'll poop with the bathroom door open.

[25:31] Who's gonna see me? My dog?

[25:33] He doesn't know what's going on.

[25:34] Sad, really.

[25:37] So the two of them basically go to the dark side, as Dreamgirls would have put it.

[25:41] What?

[25:42] They take a taxi to the dark side and decide to take the law into their own hands for about 10 minutes, which involves them breaking into – earlier in the movie it was established that Alex Cross was trying to get out of jail a young woman who had taken the fall for a killing that her uncle had committed.

[26:00] and now that that setup pays off in that they break into the police evidence dungeon or i guess

[26:07] you just call it locker yeah i mean it's it is an actual evidence locker they break into it which

[26:12] involves punching a real cop and steal these guns that were the evidence in that case then he goes

[26:17] to meet up with that crime lord at a vintage car museum because it's detroit played by juan carlo

[26:23] esposito played by juan carlo esposito of breaking bad and he says i'll give you these guns that are

[26:29] the only evidence in this case and your niece will get out of jail if you tell me the name of

[26:33] this chemist that makes this chemical that the bad guy uses and it turns out the chemist is just

[26:38] kind of like this nerdy guy and they beat the shit out of him so i like that this you know like this

[26:42] is i feel like this is true in every stupid uh like crime thriller where all criminals apparently

[26:49] know each other yeah like okay well we'll uh we'll put some leverage on this other criminal

[26:54] he probably knows this guy right they all attended crime school together maybe they went to crime

[27:00] camp in the summers and they go back for their crime uh reunions and everyone's crime older

[27:05] it's like space right you put in front of everything yeah exactly annual criminals ball

[27:12] where they all talk about plans to kill batman oh so many gimmicks in one room

[27:20] so they beat up some poor drug dealer guy who has almost no lines yeah and he's just a drug cook

[27:28] and he gives them he managed to show them surveillance video which gives them the license

[27:32] plate of the car that matthew fox is driving who they've been referring to as picasso because of

[27:36] his cubist sketches which at this point they never get to see again he just uses draws them in his

[27:41] spare time in his spare time yeah his spare time no it's accurate it just seems funny it's just a

[27:48] little bit of him him time look if he just works all the time he's gonna go crazy er yeah hit men

[27:54] have their own interests exactly it's not just not just murdering people he's got a soul yeah

[27:58] someone a soul that's not expressed through his dialogue or acting but only through his art by

[28:04] which i mean the way he kills and his naked pull-ups and his naked pull-ups where you

[28:07] it keeps it gets creepily close to the root of his ding-dong stewart was really what was really

[28:13] weirded out by that uh so they find the car and then this is when they suddenly are no longer

[28:19] vigilantes because alex cross calls the license plate number to the police department says hey

[28:24] call on star and have them shut this car down and the police person people are never like how did

[28:28] you get this information alex cross like this did you beat somebody up after breaking into our own

[28:33] evidence locker and making a deal with a with a head gangster and screwing up an important criminal

[28:38] case nope they just are they just run with the punches from this point on it's like he's an

[28:44] associate to the police department like he's he's uh he's there like head shrinker in residence

[28:49] rather than rather than a cop but they okay so they know the license plate they track him to

[28:54] uh-oh downtown there's gonna be a big presentation about the new detroit jean renault's gonna be

[28:58] there that's gotta be his target so they call it in the police set up an entire cordon around the

[29:03] place with lots of cop cars a helicopter like a security truck swat guys all over the place

[29:09] anyone tries to get in there on foot or in a car they're way out of luck yeah but matthew fox isn't

[29:15] trying to get in there by car or on foot how's he gonna do it stewart he gets in there by bazooka

[29:20] missile he sets up he gets onto uh one of their people mover mass transit trains uses a computer

[29:27] to override a switch

[29:28] and then

[29:29] shoots at the

[29:30] city hall I guess

[29:31] with a bazooka

[29:32] from a moving train

[29:33] from a moving train

[29:34] with the doors open

[29:35] and the plan works

[29:36] beautifully

[29:37] he even gets to

[29:38] a bunch of people

[29:38] explode

[29:39] including John McGinley

[29:40] yeah a lot of people

[29:42] explode

[29:42] and there's some

[29:43] hilarious flaming

[29:44] dummy work

[29:45] and before he gets

[29:47] on the train

[29:47] he's standing there

[29:48] with like a big case

[29:49] that looks like

[29:49] a guitar case

[29:50] but he's got a gun

[29:51] in there

[29:51] or actually he's got

[29:52] a bazooka in there

[29:52] and three yahoos

[29:54] out of nowhere

[29:54] are like

[29:54] hey

[29:55] hey Pally

[29:56] Hey, Artie.

[29:56] Hey, see something, say something, huh?

[29:58] You going to go play some music, panty boy?

[30:01] They just start picking on him for no reason.

[30:02] And then he kills all of them.

[30:04] You going to shoot us with that gun?

[30:05] And it's like, they want...

[30:06] If there's one thing that tough guys hate, it's music.

[30:08] They cannot stand it.

[30:12] And if there's one thing that people waiting for a train are in danger of,

[30:15] it's, I guess, being bullied by nobodies on the train platform.

[30:18] Because even if they're bullying you on the platform,

[30:20] you're getting in the same train car.

[30:21] It's going to be an awkward ride after that.

[30:23] Yeah.

[30:24] But they wanted to give you one of those moments where the bad guy gets to kill a couple assholes so that you kind of like the bad guy for a second, but it didn't work.

[30:33] Still don't like him, and he just blew up the downtown with a bazooka.

[30:36] And he shot a guy in the knee, which personally I don't like right now.

[30:40] You start thinking about all the physical therapy that guy's going to have to go through.

[30:45] Except that he got killed.

[30:46] And you're like, just shoot him in the face.

[30:47] Dan was like, you know what, I kind of like this Matthew Fox.

[30:50] And then he shot the guy in the knee, and he went, whoa.

[30:53] You have just broken the unwritten law.

[30:55] Take him down.

[30:56] Take him down, Cross.

[30:57] Cross him off your cross list.

[31:00] Yeah, that's what Dan was punching into his text message.

[31:03] It was, okay, Cross, you can kill this guy.

[31:05] Yeah, issuing instructions to the movie.

[31:09] So Tyler Perry and, let's say, Ed Helms.

[31:12] Ed Burns drive up.

[31:13] Ed Helms would have been a way better partner.

[31:16] Ed Burns drive up, and they're like, what are you doing?

[31:19] Blah, blah, blah.

[31:19] The bazooka blast explodes.

[31:22] They are just at the perimeter of the blast, so they get thrown back a little bit but not hurt, whereas everyone else is vaporized.

[31:28] Like maybe he had a tiny warhead on that bazooka charge.

[31:33] But taking no time to mourn their following colleagues, they zoom off in their car.

[31:38] That's true.

[31:38] I guess the chief of police is dead.

[31:39] He's in charge now.

[31:41] And the rest of the movie is almost in real time.

[31:44] We get a long shot of Matthew Fox getting into his car at a parking garage, turning his radio on, driving down the off-ramp, finding his parking lot ticket, and then as he's leaving the parking lot, it's all done from a one-shot inside the car.

[32:01] That's in a totally different style than the rest of the movie.

[32:03] It's shot like in DV.

[32:04] It's like they mounted a camera in the back.

[32:06] Then he crosses the doorway, and they were hoping to hide a cut, but it's really poorly done.

[32:13] And then Alex Cross smashes into him with his van.

[32:15] Yeah.

[32:16] I mean, like, I don't want to make too much fun of it because it's the only time in the movie that the director is trying to do anything with the style.

[32:23] Well, that's the thing.

[32:23] If the movie was more like that, I'd be like, okay, this has some style to it.

[32:27] But just having one different style moment in a very bland movie, it sticks out so badly.

[32:33] It's like the scene, you know, in...

[32:35] Maybe a second unit director did that part.

[32:37] Maybe.

[32:37] Maybe a second unit director with a lot of big ideas.

[32:40] He let some teenager look at the script for a couple hours and picked which – how the teenager would want the movie shot or something.

[32:46] I guess so.

[32:47] It's kind of like everyone loves the big shot in Goodfellas when they go through the kitchen of the club.

[32:53] But like if that shot happened in the middle of like an episode of I Love Lucy, you'd be like, what the hell is going on?

[32:59] What happened to the three-camera setup with a studio audience?

[33:04] I guess it's cool in theory, but why would it – this doesn't make sense.

[33:09] So the rest of the movie is just a chase scene between Tyler Perry and Matthew Fox.

[33:14] They're in an old theater that's turned into a parking garage, which we know because they get the coordinates of the car.

[33:20] And he goes, he's in the, and Tyler Perry goes, he's in the old theater.

[33:23] And Ed Burns goes, but they turned that into a parking garage.

[33:27] Thanks for the information, movie.

[33:29] But then in the actual fight scene, they seem to be doing totally different things.

[33:34] Like there's still an old theater there that they're going to have a fight out with.

[33:38] Above the parking lot, they still have all the old catwalks and the old ceilings, and they fight.

[33:42] Perfect for battling.

[33:43] And there's a big action punch-out between Tyler Perry and Matthew Fox, where it's like, Matthew Fox is this guy who earlier we saw destroy a professional Ultimate Fighter, and now Tyler Perry is holding up against him pretty well.

[33:54] Yeah, I mean, he's on a rampage.

[33:56] Well, but there was that moment where Tyler Perry slow-motioned.

[33:59] He turns big and he crawls up buildings and eats people and punches them until the buildings fall down.

[34:03] Tyler Perry did slow-mo kick Matthew Fox on the balls.

[34:06] That's true. That was a good moment.

[34:08] I like that.

[34:08] The camera starts to shake.

[34:09] Everything goes slow.

[34:10] And you know that's coming right for his nards.

[34:12] And the guy from...

[34:14] Matthew Fox has nards.

[34:16] And the whammy from Press Your Luck shows up on screen and goes,

[34:19] and then brushes away all the points Matthew Fox has accumulated.

[34:23] Just sweeps him away with his whammy broom.

[34:27] So they're fighting.

[34:29] There's a big fight.

[34:29] The ceiling, the floor they're fighting on,

[34:32] which is the roof of the building, is very unstable.

[34:34] They're falling through it.

[34:35] And they fall through it.

[34:37] And it's just like the end of the movie we watched a long time ago.

[34:41] One of you guys mentioned it.

[34:42] Obsessed.

[34:43] Where the good guys holding on to the bad guys.

[34:45] Where Beyonce's arms grow really long or whatever.

[34:48] Her legs get pulled really long.

[34:49] Which was in the Idris Elba movie.

[34:51] And they really should have switched roles.

[34:53] Like Tyler Perry in Obsessed would have made a lot more sense.

[34:55] I could understand her being obsessed with Tyler Perry.

[34:58] And I could totally understand him cheating on Beyonce.

[35:00] Because Tyler Perry I don't see as having the personal control that Idris Elba has.

[35:06] I don't know.

[35:07] but uh and are you saying that idris elba has the self-control of a guy who's been handsome all his

[35:13] life so he knows how to handle women as compared to a guy who's uh you know a little pudgy and now

[35:18] he's coming to all this wealth and women are crazy so a woman even though he's married to a beautiful

[35:22] woman another pretty-ish woman comes up and is like hey and he's like i don't know how to handle

[35:27] this now that he's dripping in power i mean idris elba knows when it's time to tankeray

[35:33] or that tonight we tankeray whatever those ads say where it's just idris elba sitting on a stool

[35:38] you're saying it weird you're saying it wrong how do you say it no just not like you you make

[35:42] it sound dorky no oh you say it uh tonight we tankeray okay that's better yeah yeah you know

[35:50] he's a handsome guy idris elba you know walking around in luther wearing two coats two coats all

[35:54] the time just yeah being all handsome you look like the accordion on the prometheus

[35:57] looks like he rolled out of bed and he's still he's still handsome yeah so anyway give me a slice

[36:04] of that it would have been better if it was in it it still would have been a bad movie but so

[36:11] matthew fox falls to his death uh on a car and if this was a different movie then when the police

[36:17] came he'd be gone and they'd be like what but i saw him die but it's and then there would be a

[36:22] scene where tyler perry goes home to his children and matthew fox shows up and he has to save his

[36:27] children there'd be that last final scare scene when you're not used to it but this isn't that

[36:31] kind of movie so instead tyler perry just kind of goes back to his family and but except for no no

[36:36] there's another there is oh that's right i forgot there is a final final comeuppance where it turns

[36:41] out that jean renault was behind it the entire time somebody hired matthew fox it was jean renault

[36:45] it turns out he was involved in some kind of shady dealing and he had to get rid of the people who

[36:51] knew and fake his own death and now he's in some asian tropical vacation but alex cross figures it

[36:57] out because he's a super genius and alex cross he has him on the phone and jean renault literally

[37:03] says like i had to do it they knew too much but you have nothing on me nothing and it never occurs

[37:08] to him that like alex cross could just record this confession but it doesn't occur to alex

[37:12] cross either because it turns out he's planted two kilos of cocaine in jean renault's house

[37:17] That's the thing, because Alex Cross doesn't want justice, he wants Renaud to get shot

[37:22] by a firing squad, which is what happens, apparently.

[37:24] And he goes, you know what the punishment is for drug smuggling where you are?

[37:28] Death by firing squad!

[37:29] That's the funny thing to me about this movie.

[37:31] That's the final joke.

[37:32] Yeah.

[37:32] Final joke on us all.

[37:34] Yeah.

[37:35] This movie does, like, and at the end of the movie, Alex Cross goes home and he's, like,

[37:38] standing outside, like, looking at his children, like, wondering if life can be the same again.

[37:42] And I don't think that the film, like, actually realizes the degree to which, like, this character

[37:47] is morally compromised by the end.

[37:49] This character has become

[37:50] soiled in our eyes.

[37:51] Like, he kills Matthew Fox outright

[37:54] and kills Jean Reno outright.

[37:55] I mean, that was self-defense

[37:56] while chasing a suspect.

[37:57] But, like, Jean Reno is just like,

[37:58] well, I'm going to plant cocaine on you

[38:00] and have the government

[38:01] of this other country shoot you.

[38:03] It almost feels like

[38:04] they're going for, like,

[38:05] a Dark Knight type thing

[38:06] where he has to break his own rules

[38:07] to get results,

[38:08] but then he's corrupted by it.

[38:10] But instead, he's just

[38:11] doing whatever he wants,

[38:13] killing people,

[38:14] and then in the end,

[38:15] he goes back to his family.

[38:16] Yeah.

[38:16] Alex Cross.

[38:17] you got crossed i like that there's a moment where jean renaud tries to like tries to claim like

[38:23] i did not mean to have your wife get killed but like he also killed like the the police chief and

[38:28] all these other police like he killed a ton of people a lot of people and that was part of the

[38:32] plan right because it's it's like he it's the idea i guess is that he hired this assassin but

[38:37] didn't realize the assassin was a maniac and not even an invisible maniac yeah a regular maniac

[38:42] maniac the breast kind of maniac well we got a little you both guys you guys both have cks or

[38:49] cryptkeeper syndrome puns just pop out of your sentences what cks is a real danger be aware of

[38:57] it uh learn how to protect yourself from cks cryptkeeper syndrome boys and ghouls oh no i've

[39:03] got it you call it a disease i call it a blessing that's my curse that's my blessing that's your

[39:08] uh so he has uh what we oh yeah so the idea is that he didn't this guy went out of control

[39:17] but part of the plan yeah is murdering a bunch of police with a bazooka like did he think he

[39:21] was gonna get his body double was gonna get killed in a clean way i don't know it's it's

[39:26] not a well thought through plan from jean renault who you'd think would know better

[39:29] since he is the professional so i guess no women no kids so dan uh yes sir uh so what

[39:38] What do you think about the movie?

[39:39] It was pretty great, right?

[39:40] It was pretty...

[39:41] This is the point in the podcast where we give our final judgments about the movie,

[39:46] whether it was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[39:50] I say that this was a bad, bad movie.

[39:53] If you imagine the most generic thriller and then don't cast that with a, you know,

[40:00] charismatically just cast it with just a guy.

[40:03] Well, he's not just a guy.

[40:04] He's a huge star.

[40:05] Yeah, but I guess, I mean...

[40:07] But he's a huge star for doing something other than this.

[40:09] Yeah, I haven't seen him in other things.

[40:10] Perhaps in drag.

[40:12] It's like that old thing about, what was it, Esther Williams?

[40:16] Like, dry she's nothing, wet she's a star.

[40:18] Like, I feel like maybe that's the secret of Tyler Perry.

[40:22] They should have thrown a bucket of water over him.

[40:23] Yep.

[40:24] But I just, I found out.

[40:26] I'll watch it, I guess.

[40:27] But no, it's true that what he does best is what's not showcased in this movie

[40:33] and what's made him a huge star with lots of fans is not in this.

[40:36] And it is like a by-the-numbers, cookie-cutter thriller that, like, if Nicolas Cage had had the starring role in this movie, it could have been great.

[40:42] If he had played both the lead roles, the hero and the villain, now you're talking about a movie.

[40:48] But then it would have meant changing Alex Cross to a white character, which would have been kind of weird.

[40:52] I don't know.

[40:53] Nicolas Cage is a pretty wide range.

[40:55] You're saying Nicolas Cage in Blackface is Alex Cross.

[40:57] I mean, it worked in Cloud Atlas.

[40:59] It didn't really work in Cloud Atlas.

[41:02] Wait, that wasn't Nicolas Cage?

[41:04] No.

[41:05] What movie did I watch?

[41:06] You watched Cage Atlas.

[41:08] The movie where Nicolas Cage reenacts all of Cloud Atlas.

[41:11] But yeah, Tyler Perry was just so quiet and not smoldering.

[41:17] I'm going to jump in here and say I think it was almost a good bad movie

[41:21] because Matthew Fox is super weird,

[41:24] and there's that scene where he shimmies up like a drain pipe.

[41:27] He swims up a fountain.

[41:29] There's some really crazy, stupid crap in it.

[41:32] There is some crazy, stupid stuff in it.

[41:34] And the hero's wife does get killed.

[41:36] I didn't expect it to go that far.

[41:38] That's true.

[41:38] I expect him to just shoot the baby out of her body.

[41:41] Yeah, I thought that was going to be one of those situations.

[41:42] You expected to have a scene where...

[41:44] We saved her, but we lost the baby.

[41:45] The bullet goes into her belly.

[41:48] There's an X-ray shot of the fetus ducking out of the way

[41:51] as the bullet flies by it, stirring up the amniotic fluid,

[41:55] and then it goes out the other side.

[41:57] No, no, no.

[41:57] Like a fetus in bullet time.

[41:58] No, I thought they were still going to shoot the baby.

[42:00] Oh.

[42:02] The baby is going to literally get shot out of the body, but then it's going to stand up and be like, don't worry, guys.

[42:07] Just consider it a C-section.

[42:11] I think it could have been a good, bad movie.

[42:14] I'd say it's on the brink.

[42:16] Don't patronize me on it.

[42:18] If you don't agree, that's fine.

[42:19] No, I thought it was a bad, bad movie.

[42:20] But when you look at it, there's the scene where they're looking at the crime scene and they're like, where Matthew Fox has cut this woman's fingers off to find out what her laptop password is.

[42:30] But she couldn't even talk.

[42:31] How do you figure that out?

[42:32] It's also something that I don't think he ever needed that laptop for anything.

[42:36] Maybe it was to get into the train, I don't know, or the building.

[42:40] But he – where they say like – Ed Burns is like, but he wouldn't – she would have given up the information after one finger.

[42:46] He didn't have to cut them all off.

[42:48] And Tyler Gray goes, one was for the information.

[42:50] The rest were for fun.

[42:51] It's like you have no evidence to support this.

[42:53] You guys are just making conjecture about something you cannot figure out.

[42:57] And I would think that, I mean, I'm not a guy who cuts fingers off,

[43:00] but I would think after like two or three, you'd get kind of bored with it.

[43:03] Then it just becomes, you know, a job.

[43:06] It's like ziplining.

[43:08] You go on a zipline course with like ten ziplines.

[43:11] Yeah, the first two or three, you're like, this is exciting.

[43:12] And then eventually you're like, how many lines we got left?

[43:15] It's like Krispy Kreme donuts.

[43:17] The first one's good, second and third one, no way.

[43:19] It's the opposite of Pringles.

[43:21] Once you pop, you can't stop.

[43:22] But with fingers, you can stop after a couple fingers.

[43:24] And if you crunch, they'll still make more.

[43:26] You can crunch all you want.

[43:27] Who cares?

[43:28] Use the can to make, like, drum on a trash can lid.

[43:31] So before we move on to the next segment, I just want to say.

[43:36] And, yeah, I know those Doritos, by the way.

[43:38] Don't write a letter, David.

[43:39] There are no specific things I want to plug over there,

[43:43] but I do want to take a moment and say go over to allthingscomedy.com.

[43:47] Take a look at the other great comedy podcasts they have there.

[43:51] They're all a delight.

[43:52] Great selection of podcasts.

[43:54] And support our.

[43:57] Didn't Tom Papa's podcast just join?

[43:59] I believe so.

[44:01] I believe you are correct.

[44:02] But I also want to make a vague plug, which is saying that I believe it is in June, I think June 8th, right?

[44:13] We'll be doing our next live show.

[44:15] We'll be doing our next live show.

[44:16] We know it's not until June, but that will become faster than you think.

[44:19] And that's going to be again at 92Y Tribeca, but I believe this time we have the larger venue.

[44:25] Yes.

[44:26] So the tickets are not for sale yet, but we'll let you know when they are.

[44:31] But you should buy them up and encourage other people because we're going to fill up the bigger space, which holds a lot more people.

[44:36] So we really need to fill it.

[44:38] Otherwise, we will look like total dorks.

[44:40] Unlike normal where we look like kings of men.

[44:44] Where we're super awesome-oids.

[44:46] But that space also has its own bar, so you no longer have to run out in the middle of the thing if you want to get more drinks.

[44:52] Yeah, and you'll be sitting at like, you know, chairs.

[44:54] Camera-style seats.

[44:55] Not theater chairs, yeah.

[44:56] cabaret style seating there'll be an mc the nazis will be outside just like cabaret it'll be great

[45:02] but uh yeah it's in the bigger space so there'll be much more seating anyone wants to come in from

[45:06] out of town to see it go ahead because there's more chairs we gotta fill give you permission

[45:11] you're now allowed to tell them elliot sent you but then pay for a ticket parking will be validated

[45:17] it won't be valid no well i don't know no there's no i don't think it will they don't have a garage

[45:21] uh this is the point where we answer a few letters from our listeners in the flop house

[45:25] moving mailbag let's do that sometimes people write into us yeah and uh and sometimes we answer

[45:30] them this letter is from brian last name withheld he's he's entitled he's actually titled sorry oh

[45:37] he's pretty entitled brian just give it up okay he titled this email pilot season and he says

[45:45] this better be a question about launchpad mcquack hey everyone including any guest hosts that may

[45:50] or may not be on this particular episode they aren't this email is for dan and elliot but it

[45:53] concerns stew so yes i'm awesome we keep going say the news is no longer funny and the daily

[46:01] show shuts down and to make ends meet you have to go pitch a new show pilot that stars stewart

[46:05] wellington yeah it's called jazz i don't know why that's your only option but it simply is

[46:11] so the question is this what kind of show will you pitch that would play to both the strengths

[46:15] of stewart and also to getting mainstream success a wacky office drama for nbc no worth laid-back

[46:21] dude stew being the foil to some uptight necktie business types no a risque showtime show where

[46:27] stewart runs a bordello and steals men's wives stewart's nodding yes and possibly is also a

[46:32] vampire first off i'm okay with nudity guys a classy hbo affair that's basically arliss with

[46:39] stewart as a sports agent or a not classy cinemax affair where stewart reads diary letters that

[46:44] have been sent in to him about different sex stories a family comedy for cbs with stewart

[46:49] as a crude blue-collar worker with a smoking hot wife

[46:51] or something actually new and creative?

[46:53] Stewart is not unattractive enough to be a guy

[46:55] with an attractive wife in a CBS comedy.

[46:57] Or will it be something actually new and creative

[46:59] from the minds of the Emmy Award-winning duo

[47:01] of Kalen and McCoy?

[47:02] Kalen has first billing because he has more Emmys.

[47:05] Thank you, yes.

[47:06] I'm going to stop running that gag into the ground

[47:09] on the Facebook page at some point.

[47:10] Just wanted to send an email that had nothing to do

[47:12] with ding-dongs.

[47:13] Damn it, there they are again.

[47:14] Oh, well, keep up the good work.

[47:16] Brian, last name, what's that?

[47:17] Nothing gets the ding-dongs out.

[47:18] i've tried and i've tried try new ddr ding dong remover ddr really gets the ding dongs out no you

[47:26] don't want to use ddr that is carcinogenic oh god but nothing else gets ding dongs out

[47:31] it's worth the risk what do you want ding dongs or cancer what the fuck are you talking about

[47:39] so let's show what we've been for stewart now i see him as i would say a wisecracking bartender

[47:45] but Cheers already existed.

[47:47] So he's going to be a wisecracking bartender.

[47:48] And then it's a little close to home, you know.

[47:49] Well, that's the thing.

[47:50] You've got to play what you know.

[47:51] Oh, okay.

[47:52] You're a wisecracking bartender in a bordello that you own.

[47:55] The piano is played by an animated cat who you also voice.

[47:58] And each week you...

[48:01] Wait, the animated cat is the piano?

[48:04] Like, it's played by...

[48:05] No, no, no, he's the pianist.

[48:07] Okay.

[48:08] It's funny that you say that about the cat

[48:10] because I was going to pitch a show

[48:11] where Stewart is actually the voice of the parrot.

[48:15] on on a pirate pirate captain's uh shoulder and he is the brains behind this pirate's uh

[48:23] adventures okay sounds sexy a lot of blouses i think we're cutting off one of the main selling

[48:30] points here which is the stewart wellington punim oh yeah that's gonna get a lot of ladies

[48:34] cgi my punim on top of this pair that never looks weird a little weird maybe stewart could play both

[48:40] The captain and the parrot.

[48:41] Now you're talking.

[48:42] Okay, I like that.

[48:44] And he's what, like Captain Love of the SS Sexy?

[48:47] Yep.

[48:48] Do I have to do accents?

[48:49] Because I've got a million of them.

[48:50] Hello, hello, I'm a pirate.

[48:53] That's one.

[48:54] You're a chimney sweep turned pirate.

[48:56] What's your parrot voice?

[48:57] That's not great.

[49:01] Okay, I'm still working on it.

[49:03] How about, I'm a pirate.

[49:05] Is that some kind of weird Hans and Franz French?

[49:08] I'm a pirate parrot.

[49:10] That's what I just said.

[49:11] I said it in Germanic French.

[49:13] Okay, interesting.

[49:14] Well, we'll work on this.

[49:17] I think you've got to solve crimes at some point.

[49:19] Maybe you play saxophone at night under a street lamp.

[49:22] Yeah, Case of the Week.

[49:23] It's called Stuart Wellington's Case of the Week.

[49:26] And it's you sitting at your desk going,

[49:28] Ah, pull up a chair.

[49:29] Put your getaway sticks up on the desk.

[49:31] Let me tell you about my Case of the Week.

[49:33] But I do like this saxophone next to a steaming manhole cover.

[49:36] And a lot of sex scenes.

[49:40] This next email comes from

[49:42] You're not in them

[49:42] But I'm watching them

[49:44] You're watching them, yeah

[49:45] Nodding approvingly or shaking my head

[49:48] When they go too far

[49:50] It's called Stuart Wellington, sex describer

[49:52] And it's just you watching

[49:54] You have sex and describing it over the phone

[49:56] And judging people

[49:59] Stuart Wellington, sex judge

[50:00] I like what you did here

[50:02] But this is not correct

[50:03] Work with it, make it work

[50:06] So it's shot in a reality show style

[50:09] but it is

[50:10] but it's scripted

[50:10] but it's a scripted show

[50:11] yeah it's scripted

[50:11] sure okay

[50:12] giving you guys a chance

[50:13] to really flex your

[50:14] writing muscles

[50:15] exactly yeah

[50:16] it's on stars

[50:17] so it may not exist

[50:20] so

[50:21] this is

[50:22] an email from

[50:24] Tim

[50:25] last name upheld

[50:26] and it

[50:27] is titled

[50:27] Dan's Thing

[50:28] uh

[50:29] ding dong's again

[50:30] he says

[50:32] dear floppers

[50:32] I would like to inform Dan

[50:34] that his tragic

[50:35] ongoing search

[50:36] to find his thing

[50:36] has finally been resolved

[50:37] at least in the eyes

[50:38] of one person my wife picture a man working diligently in his study it is early evening

[50:44] and bar the single lamp on his desk his only accompaniment is the dulcet sound of the flop

[50:48] house filling the room it is the all about steve episode through the though the episode is elliot

[50:53] free the man in that one the man still finds himself laughing out loud hearing his laughter

[50:58] the man's wife enters the room she places her hand gently on his shoulder what are you listening to

[51:02] she asks the couple look over to the speakers the wife smiles eager to share in her husband's

[51:07] the husband smiles too but what do they hear this loving couple do they hear stewart uttering the

[51:13] hilarious wait what or perhaps a contribution from the house cat on his way out for a night on the

[51:18] town no from the speakers dan has reached the part of the that particular podcast where he

[51:24] describes in excruciating detail the logistics of a woman sliding down a banister on her bare

[51:29] vagina oh i'm glad i wasn't there for that one bar bar giving the man a quiet look of disappointment

[51:37] and making a passing reference to Dan as being filthy,

[51:39] the incident has not been mentioned again.

[51:42] So there you go, Dan.

[51:43] Why would you talk about that?

[51:45] For most listeners, your heartbreaking quest for a shtick continues,

[51:48] but don't worry.

[51:48] Know that at least one woman out there thinks you have one.

[51:51] She considers you to be the most depraved creature to walk the earth,

[51:54] a vagina-obsessed monster.

[51:56] Maybe it's not something.

[51:58] Put it on your business card, Dan.

[51:59] It's a thing.

[52:00] I think you should do that.

[52:01] Dan K. McCoy, vagina-obsessed monster.

[52:03] That's your business card.

[52:04] It was part of your wife's vows, right?

[52:06] She loves her vagina-obsessed monster.

[52:09] What a weird pet name.

[52:12] I haven't hauled this vagina-obsessed monster.

[52:13] Well, yeah, you did it, Dan.

[52:17] You creeped out somebody's wife again.

[52:18] And it wasn't even by asking about her butt.

[52:21] I guess I should apologize to this man

[52:26] that he married a woman who doesn't enjoy comedy.

[52:29] Whoa.

[52:30] Whoa.

[52:31] Wow.

[52:32] Totally uncalled for.

[52:35] She fired the first shot.

[52:37] Let's just say, the opinions of those in this section

[52:40] do not reflect that of the Flophouse podcast.

[52:42] Or all things comedy for that matter.

[52:44] Or all things comedy.

[52:45] It is just Dan McCoy's personal perviness.

[52:48] What a terrible point for the...

[52:51] It should have been an Elliot episode.

[52:52] I never would have stood for something like that.

[52:53] Yeah, well, you know...

[52:55] Do you think when Dan read that letter the first time,

[52:57] he did a bunch of naked pull-ups?

[52:58] And each time he went a little bit higher up,

[53:01] so the camera almost saw his ding-dong.

[53:03] Yeah.

[53:05] Teasing it.

[53:06] Actually, I think that we're running a little long,

[53:15] so we may have to tie up the old mailbag.

[53:17] Do we have any other letters, though?

[53:18] We've got many other letters.

[53:20] Do you want one more?

[53:22] Let's do a quick one.

[53:22] Let's do a quick letter.

[53:23] Okay, I've got one here.

[53:24] A short stack.

[53:25] It's titled, Crying with Boobs.

[53:27] This is not going to be a short letter.

[53:30] It's from Lawrence Lastingwithheld.

[53:32] He says, gent, it took a bit of Googling.

[53:35] No.

[53:36] A depressing amount of which just involved pictures of Krang molesting April O'Neil.

[53:41] Also Harley Quinn for some reason.

[53:43] I get it.

[53:44] But here it is.

[53:45] Really, Lara Croft wasn't in there at some point?

[53:47] Warning, highly not safe for work, pretty gross.

[53:51] A picture of Krang with boobs.

[53:53] Weirdly enough, not a cartoon.

[53:56] Both the robot body and Krang itself have boobs.

[53:59] But they also have massive fake penises.

[54:02] What?

[54:03] Which they're both using to pee on a girl's feet.

[54:05] I never should have asked for one more letter.

[54:06] I like to think that when Professor Kleinrock was slaving over his computer all those years ago,

[54:12] in the back of his mind he was thinking,

[54:13] someday people will use this wonderful invention to better themselves through freely available knowledge

[54:18] and also share pornographic pictures of children cartoon characters that embody a surprising number of fetishes.

[54:24] I mean, it can't be, it probably isn't that far from Kevin Eastman's hopes for the character.

[54:27] And, uh, here we go.

[54:30] Don't, don't, don't, why are you showing us this?

[54:32] Don't post it on our Facebook page.

[54:33] Do not post it.

[54:34] Why could you not?

[54:35] Here you go.

[54:36] That's horrifying.

[54:38] Why does that exist?

[54:39] As advertised.

[54:40] So many horrible fetishes all at once.

[54:42] It's pretty good.

[54:42] No, that works for me.

[54:44] You've got an erect penis peeing.

[54:44] Let me tell you, it's pretty hard to pee with an erect penis.

[54:47] Yeah, I mean, it works.

[54:48] It's the description.

[54:48] It's a robot penis urinating.

[54:50] It should be biologically impossible to do that, but it is a robot.

[54:53] There's still something about it.

[54:55] There's two penises.

[54:56] I never thought I'd see something like that.

[54:57] So we're talking about the character Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon.

[55:00] Yes, the living brain Krang.

[55:02] on that one the penis on the crank brain appears to be ejaculating on the girl and then the penis

[55:10] on the robot is peeing we better hope that i should have studied that picture he didn't say

[55:14] hey they're talking about my letter and then she walked in for this part

[55:17] look i didn't bring it up well you did bring it up he told her we were talking about her letter

[55:23] so she went and baked us a cake that said i forgive you and she walked right in at that

[55:28] moment and then dropped on the floor and then threw it on the floor she shouldn't have forgiven

[55:32] us in the first place that was her i never thought i'd see something weirder than the

[55:35] illustration of two transformers with human genitals having sex but i did so thanks dan

[55:40] um so that concludes the letter of mail with a bang why did i ask for another letter uh and now

[55:47] comes the last segment in our uh show where we recommend movies we actually enjoyed and think

[55:52] that the listener might also yeah mine is called penis greg he's again well on the subject of uh

[56:00] of kind of building on nostalgia.

[56:03] Oh, I thought you were going to say

[56:05] on the subject of disembodied heads doing crazy things.

[56:08] There's a movie called Head of the Family.

[56:09] I just watched Wreck-It Ralph, which is great.

[56:13] It was nominated for Best Anime Feature,

[56:15] and I'm assuming many of our listeners have already seen it.

[56:17] But I really liked it.

[56:19] In some ways, I felt like it out-Pixared Pixar this year.

[56:23] It's a well-told story.

[56:25] It is incredibly well voice-acted,

[56:28] specifically from Flophouse fave Alan Tudyk.

[56:30] Yeah, go see it.

[56:32] I would like to recommend a movie called Prime Cut,

[56:37] starring Lee Marvin, Gene Hackman, and Sissy Spacek

[56:41] in her first credited role,

[56:43] and it's directed by Michael Ritchie.

[56:46] You mean Guy Ritchie.

[56:48] No, Michael Ritchie.

[56:50] It's a 1972 gritty crime drama

[56:54] that is about an enforcer from Chicago

[57:00] who goes down to, I believe, near Kansas City

[57:03] to collect some money.

[57:05] Kansas City, Kansas or Kansas City, Missouri?

[57:07] I can't remember.

[57:08] But he's collecting some money from Gene Hackman

[57:09] who on the side is running a white slavery ring

[57:14] that involves Sissy Spacek and a bunch of other girls

[57:17] being in a cattle pen naked for some reason

[57:22] and his downstate like weird uh crime ring but um this is a movie that got made yeah and with

[57:29] with a bunch of respectable people in it but um it's a great like sleazy crime film and uh what's

[57:36] interesting to me about it is it's a sleazy crime film that's set in the rural midwest and as someone

[57:41] from the rural midwest i really appreciate the way it makes that area seem super menacing and weird

[57:49] in a way that is not accurate

[57:51] to my personal experience growing up,

[57:54] but I found a lot of fun.

[57:55] So that's my recommendation, Prime Cut.

[57:58] Well, my recommendation is going to be a movie

[58:00] that I watched a while ago

[58:02] and I was meaning to recommend,

[58:03] but we've been having

[58:04] out-of-the-ordinary episodes, I guess.

[58:06] Yeah.

[58:07] So this, I'm going to recommend

[58:08] an older film, shocker,

[58:10] called Viva Zapata.

[58:13] This is an Elia Kazan movie.

[58:15] Say what you will about his personal politics

[58:17] and the way he treated other people.

[58:19] He made a bunch of good movies, and this one's really good, starring Marlon Brando, Anthony Quinn, Eli Wallach's in it, and it's a historic film about Emiliano Zapato, the agrarian rebel in Mexican history, and it's just really good.

[58:37] there's a lot of good gritty fighting scenes there's a lot of good dialogue scenes they do a

[58:42] good job of kind of building a portrait of a man who has what it takes to be a hero and a leader

[58:47] but but feels like he's not educated enough to really take advantage of it and so as a result

[58:52] gets used by other people and the only real problem in it is that marlon brando's mexican

[58:58] makeup is a little too heavy and they pull back his eyes as if he's edward g robinson and the

[59:04] hatchet man playing like a tong assassin or like uh like uh sean connery and you only live twice

[59:09] yeah or uh all the people in cloud atlas basically uh but so that's and people complain all the time

[59:17] about touch of evil and they say charlton heston playing a mexican but charlton heston is kind of

[59:21] a more convincing mexican than marlon brando in this but marlon brando's performance is still

[59:25] great it's just that like he over he attempts to over play being mexican but uh just like a speedy

[59:32] gonzalez voice yeah exactly the whole thing is uh i'd like to i want to overthrow the government i

[59:37] think no he's no he's basically just he does the thing that old hollywood actors did when they

[59:43] played other ethnic groups which is that they talk a little slower uh but it's still really

[59:49] good and i highly recommend it and uh that's the movie viva zapata exclamation point well guys

[59:55] come to an end of another episode and that comes the saddest part of the episode where we re-watching

[1:00:02] alex cross to make sure we were correct you don't really you may not realize this on podcast

[1:00:08] listening land but we watch the movie before and after we call it a flop sandwich we do it to

[1:00:14] punish ourselves because we are not happy with who we are as people wow hey guys i'm glad we can

[1:00:19] cross this one off of uh the list of movies we have to watch yeah talk about a real alex

[1:00:25] did that work no did that well let's workshop okay well we'll work on that uh but for the

[1:00:32] plop house i've been dan mccoy what else does alex mean elliott i don't think anything else

[1:00:37] okay well then my name's steward wellington and my name's elliott kalin but not alex

[1:00:43] goodnight everyone

[1:00:44] bad

[1:00:46] we are waiting for Dan McCoy

[1:00:52] to take the stage

[1:00:53] he has poured himself a glass

[1:00:56] of some sort of liquid

[1:00:57] he is now handing a coaster

[1:01:00] to Mr. Stuart Wellington

[1:01:02] a co-star named Elliot

[1:01:03] Caden

[1:01:05] that's me

[1:01:06] and now Dan is taking his seat

[1:01:09] before the hushed crowd

[1:01:11] eager to see what he's presenting

[1:01:14] this time.

[1:01:14] He winces slightly,

[1:01:17] knee still hurting.

[1:01:18] Wonder if that's going to affect his performance tonight.

[1:01:20] I guess there's only one way to find out.

The Flop House: Episode #122 - Alex Cross

Transcript

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