The Flop House: Episode #123 - That's My Boy

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the statutory rapiest comedy since Gigi, That's My Boy.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] And I'm Elliot Kalin, the first.

Dan McCoy

[0:40] Good job, Stu. You did it.

[0:42] You said your name at the right time.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] You didn't think Dan was talking to you and then go, hey Dan.

[0:47] Let's wrap it up.

[0:50] So this has been the Flophouse. I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] I'm just wondering if this newfound professionalism...

Dan McCoy

[0:54] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:56] No, no, no.

[0:57] I was wondering if this newfound professionalism was because this is the first time we're recording since Entertainment Weekly...

[1:03] You're ruining it.

[1:04] ...put us on their must list.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06] Their must list for the mustiest people in America.

[1:09] Mmm, smell that damp smell.

[1:11] It's like we live in a swamp or a basement.

[1:14] It's like a combination of dust and mold.

[1:15] Dust and mold.

[1:16] Must.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17] Has been working on that one since you saw the posting or the musty joke?

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] I'm not really working on it so much as it's just, you know, it's the kind of...

[1:24] Refining it?

[1:25] That's the kind of flash lightning brilliance that you tune into the Flophouse for.

Dan McCoy

[1:29] But I do want to recommend...

[1:31] I want to remind, rather, subscribers to Entertainment Weekly that by subscribing...

[1:35] To save it?

[1:36] ...they are entering into a legal contract with Entertainment Weekly that anything that they

[1:39] say that you must consume, you must consume.

[1:41] They have to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] And also that they should keep writing Entertainment Weekly saying, hey, more Flophouse coverage,

[1:46] please.

[1:47] Yeah.

[1:47] We love these guys.

[1:48] What's going on with those guys?

[1:49] Maybe a cover.

[1:51] Maybe with Stuart in his taxpedo?

[1:53] Yeah, I'll do it.

[1:54] By the time this is put up, it's going to have been...

Stuart Wellington

[1:56] Me and the cast of Grey's Anatomy, they're in their doctor's scrubs, and me and my tux

[2:01] of the...

[2:01] Why would you be there with Grey's Anatomy?

[2:03] It's a muscless reunion?

[2:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:06] Just you and the...

[2:07] Remember when?

Elliott Kalan

[2:08] You and Bates Motel and Grey's Anatomy.

[2:10] Remember when?

Dan McCoy

[2:11] It's a crossover.

[2:12] You start demanding, like, handsome Dr. Stewart is coming.

Stuart Wellington

[2:17] Handsome Dr. Stewart is actually his name in the show.

[2:19] I just won't play by your rules.

[2:21] I'll save lives, but I will not put on anything but this tuxedo.

Dan McCoy

[2:24] You're going to get engaged in a temporary romance with Dr. Grey.

[2:29] Who's Dr. Grey?

[2:30] But then you'll die, tragically.

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] The titular Dr. Grey.

[2:33] Killed by Dr. Anatomy.

[2:36] I thought the character was Dr. Anatomy.

[2:37] Yeah.

[2:40] That's how I would do that show.

[2:41] Sure.

[2:42] Just like how General Hospital, if I ran, it would be about a military man whose last

[2:45] name is Hospital.

Stuart Wellington

[2:46] So, welcome to the Flophouse.

[2:48] This is your All Things Entertainment Weekly coverage.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] Now, for those of you listening, this episode will come out a couple weeks after the Entertainment

[2:54] Weekly article.

Dan McCoy

[2:55] Yeah, we did record one that came out already.

[2:59] Spoiler alert.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] But for us, this is something that just happened, so we're still a little giddy about it.

[3:03] Thank you very much to Entertainment Weekly, and thank you very much to all of our fans

[3:06] over the years whose enthusiasm and excitement and word of mouth and basically nudging the

[3:12] AV Club to cover us more regularly in the comments section, I think, all contributed to

[3:16] this.

[3:16] Couldn't have done it without you.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] All those fans who listened to us without a magazine telling them to.

[3:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] Without those fans, we'd just be three lonely guys sitting in a room.

[3:24] Talking into unconnected microphones in the darkness.

[3:28] Having just watched the worst movie Adam Sandler ever made.

Dan McCoy

[3:31] Yeah, which brings us to the subject of tonight's episode, or today's.

[3:34] I don't know when you're listening to this.

[3:36] That's my boy.

[3:37] Oh, is it?

[3:38] No.

[3:39] What's his name?

[3:40] I don't have...

[3:41] I'm childless.

[3:41] Oh, I'm so sorry.

[3:42] No, that was a decision.

[3:43] So this is like Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, like an imaginary child you and your wife

[3:46] afraid?

[3:47] Dan's Baron.

[3:48] No, Baron Von Dan.

[3:50] As far as I know, that's not true.

[3:51] I just don't have a child.

[3:53] But the movie we watched was That's My Boy.

[3:56] The movie was your boy?

[3:59] It was...

[4:00] Dan, the fame has gone to your head.

[4:02] This was an Adam Sandler vehicle.

[4:03] Adam Sandler joint, yeah.

[4:05] But, you know...

[4:06] Actually, he didn't direct it.

[4:07] Happy Madison Productions.

[4:08] He's bringing in some new blood.

[4:09] He's co-starring with young Andrew Sandberg.

[4:12] It's two guys whose initials are AS, who both have very Jewish faces, and are comedians,

Elliott Kalan

[4:17] and came off of Saturday Night Live.

Dan McCoy

[4:18] Plausible father and son duo.

Elliott Kalan

[4:20] Well, the thing is, it's a great idea to pair the two of them in a movie, because they

[4:25] do look like they could be family members.

[4:26] The bad idea was in making it this movie that they were paired up in.

Stuart Wellington

[4:30] So that if they ever do this collaboration again, people are going to think back and be

[4:33] like, oh yeah, it's like a That's My Boy 2, right?

[4:36] Yeah, it's a reunion of that movie we love so much.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Well, in 10 years when the Oscars does the That's My Boy reunion with all the cast, like they

[4:42] did for Chicago.

[4:45] Yep.

[4:46] Still annoyed by that.

[4:48] And here he is, Nick Schwartz.

[4:48] There's no reason to reunite the cast of Chicago.

[4:52] We never see those guys.

[4:54] Come on.

[4:54] We see them all the time.

[4:55] And also, nobody even remembers that movie, even though it won Best Picture.

[4:59] Anyway, That's My Boy had a big all-star cast.

[5:02] Yeah, you got...

[5:04] Adam Sandler, Rex Ryan, Susan Sarandon in one scene, and her daughter...

[5:08] Water in a Couple Scenes.

[5:08] Tony Orlando.

[5:10] Flophouse previously covered actress Leighton Meester.

[5:14] Leighton Meester, yeah.

[5:15] Popular hip-hop artist Vanilla Ice.

Dan McCoy

[5:18] And who else?

[5:19] Milo Ventimiglia.

[5:21] Perfect.

[5:21] Not a name.

[5:22] It's not a real name.

[5:23] You made it up.

[5:24] Ventimiglia.

[5:25] It's a disease of some kind that affects the neural cells.

[5:29] He was Rory's boyfriend on Gilmore Girls.

[5:32] Her only boyfriend.

[5:33] For all people out there who, like me, have the taste of a 14-year-old girl.

[5:38] Oh, that explains all the One Direction posters that are up in your apartment.

Stuart Wellington

[5:42] And the Purvisoid nickname.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] I don't know.

[5:45] So should we say 14-year-old girls are known for being Purvis?

[5:47] So let's do the plot real quick, because it's a stupid movie, and the plot is terrible.

[5:51] Although it takes two hours.

[5:52] This is an hour and 54-minute movie.

[5:54] This is a two-hour long podcast.

[5:55] This movie, first you're like, oh, okay, like a stupid Adam Sandler comedy.

[6:01] What's this going to be, 89 minutes?

[6:03] 62 minutes?

[6:04] No, 114 minutes.

[6:06] Wow, did Judd Apatow direct this?

[6:08] You know, what's going on?

Stuart Wellington

[6:09] Oh, burn.

[6:10] Airplane airlines all over the place are angry that they can't show this movie on shorter flights.

[6:15] I mean, it's a hard R-rated movie.

[6:18] I don't think they can show it.

Dan McCoy

[6:19] Yeah, but you can watch those in the back of your seat these days.

[6:21] You should be able to, though.

[6:22] You can't.

[6:22] What if like a little kid is looking over your shoulder?

[6:24] I am delighted that they're no longer editing things for content in airplanes.

[6:29] You're corrupting children who are on flights.

[6:31] Or am I like a fairy godparent who's allowing a young child their first taste of boobs?

[6:38] Okay.

[6:39] I mean, their second taste of boobs, technically.

[6:41] Speaking of giving an underage kid.

[6:42] You're the pervy godparent.

Elliott Kalan

[6:45] Your pervy godfather, Dan McCoy, has decided to gift you with boobs.

Stuart Wellington

[6:49] You're the guy who accidentally leaves a Playboy magazine behind the seat.

[6:53] Accidentally on purpose.

[6:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:55] I don't think that's an accident.

[6:56] Those people are like the Johnny Appleseed of porn.

[6:59] Yeah, Johnny Pornseed.

[7:00] They wore some kind of pot on their head.

Elliott Kalan

[7:03] I guess in a lot of pictures, Johnny Appleseed does seem to be wearing a pot on his head.

[7:07] Keep the rain off his head, idiot.

[7:08] I mean, a hat does that.

[7:09] Idiot.

[7:10] Wow.

[7:11] Way to take down Johnny Appleseed.

[7:14] No, you're the one who's the idiot.

Dan McCoy

[7:15] Your lack of Johnny Appleseed knowledge.

[7:19] So...

Elliott Kalan

[7:19] You should have taught that great story.

[7:20] I want to keep hearing Stuart Wellington's roast of American folklore.

[7:24] Hey, Paul Bunyan, what's with the name on your ox babe?

[7:26] Are you in love with her?

[7:30] Anywho.

[7:30] Hey, go spill.

[7:31] What's...

[7:32] Yeah, why are you going to run around in that thing with that other thing?

Stuart Wellington

[7:36] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[7:36] Hey, go spill.

[7:37] You're going to ride a horse named Widowmaker.

[7:38] Yeah.

[7:39] Okay.

[7:39] Another thing with another thing.

[7:41] All right.

[7:42] Okay.

[7:42] So the movie That's My Boy, we open in the year 1980, question mark.

[7:46] It's kind of like a...

[7:48] It's kind of like old 19th century novels where they say, oh, well, this happened in the year

[7:52] 18 dash because they don't want to tell you the year for whatever reason.

[7:56] That's the last point that this is in any way literary.

Stuart Wellington

[8:00] Being a fan of the Adam Sandler canon, I'm assuming it happens concurrently with The Wedding

[8:04] Singer.

Elliott Kalan

[8:05] I have to assume.

[8:05] I'm kind of surprised the Wedding Singer character didn't just walk through the background of

[8:09] one of the shots.

[8:10] But so we're in a middle school, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[8:14] There's three 13-year-old boys.

[8:16] One of them is young Adam Sandler who looks to be maybe played by someone who's Puerto Rican.

[8:20] I'm not sure.

[8:20] He looks very Latino for the young Adam Sandler.

[8:23] You can check that.

Elliott Kalan

[8:24] And he hits on his teacher who's played by Susan Raymond's daughter.

[8:30] What's her name?

[8:31] Eva Amiri.

[8:33] Amiri.

[8:34] Yeah, you're saying it.

[8:35] Amiri Baraka.

Dan McCoy

[8:36] Let's just say his teacher is played by Amiri Baraka.

[8:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:40] So he hits on her and she says, that's going to give you a detention.

[8:44] But then a detention, uh-oh, turns out she's totally into him and they start having sex all

[8:49] over the place.

[8:49] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[8:50] This is a movie based on statutory rape.

[8:54] A goofy Adam Sandler comedy and the inciting incident is statutory rape between the teacher

[9:00] and the kid.

[9:01] And the kid.

Elliott Kalan

[9:01] And it's taken for granted that this is the most amazing thing in the world.

[9:05] The teacher goes to jail, but the kid becomes super famous.

[9:09] His name is Donnie Berger.

[9:10] And he just becomes a superstar.

[9:12] He's on magazine covers.

[9:13] He's hanging out with famous stars.

Dan McCoy

[9:15] Now, I want to object to this because there have been cases where teachers have had sex with

[9:20] their students before.

[9:21] And the students become super famous.

[9:22] Are not super famous.

[9:23] They're all over the place afterwards.

[9:24] Yeah, super famous.

[9:25] Philip Seymour Hoffman.

[9:27] Yeah.

[9:27] Ashton Kutcher.

[9:29] I didn't realize that that's how they got their start.

[9:32] Yeah.

[9:32] James Polk.

[9:33] F.

[9:33] Marie Abraham.

[9:34] But I was saying that this is like happening.

[9:37] Dracula.

[9:39] This is happening in the same universe as Roadhouse where there's such a thing.

[9:42] Dag Hammerskjold.

[9:43] As a famous bouncer.

[9:45] And in this world, there's a famous statutory rapee.

Elliott Kalan

[9:49] There's a lot.

[9:50] Yeah.

[9:50] There's this weird, you were saying, this weird genre of movie where people have become superstars

[9:55] for something that no one has ever become famous for doing.

[9:58] And that's one of them.

[9:59] It's kind of like if you can imagine a movie about like a famous hitman, which I assume

[10:04] exists somewhere, where it doesn't make any sense.

[10:07] There's no reason for that to happen.

[10:08] I guess famous bouncer in Roadhouses.

[10:10] Yeah.

[10:10] But he's famous among people who go to Roadhouses.

[10:12] Right.

[10:13] They're going to know who Dalton is.

[10:14] Which is most of the United States.

[10:16] And also, he's famous for being the heir to the B. Dalton bookseller fortune.

[10:20] Oh, I didn't realize.

[10:20] And just giving up on that because of his love of bouncing.

[10:23] Yeah, he walked away.

[10:24] That's why he was so well read.

[10:26] B stands for bouncing Dalton.

[10:30] Booksellers.

[10:31] He founded that, became a wealthy bookstore owner, and then he got out at the height of

[10:35] the market.

[10:35] If he was stealing bookstores, B. Dalton's out of business.

[10:38] He walked away.

[10:39] But meanwhile, Dalton-

Dan McCoy

[10:39] And had forgotten what it was really about.

Elliott Kalan

[10:41] The bouncing.

[10:42] Dalton is having a great bouncing time.

[10:45] So-

[10:45] What should I do instead of this?

[10:46] Ah, I should look at my first name.

[10:48] Bouncing.

[10:49] Yeah, they named him after his grandfather, Jededi Bouncing.

[10:53] Okay.

[10:54] The adventure of bouncing.

[10:55] So, Adam Sandler's character, Donnie Berger, now it's the modern time, and he is at the

[11:00] bottom of the barrel.

[11:01] He's an alcoholic, basically.

[11:04] He's a total slime ball.

[11:05] And he's going to go to jail for tax evasion.

[11:07] And he owes a lot of taxes, as told to him by his accountant, played by Jets coach Rex Ryan.

[11:12] Yeah.

[11:12] And the joke here is that he's a big fan of the Patriots in this movie.

[11:17] Wah, wah.

[11:18] I don't care.

[11:18] I don't like sports.

[11:19] Anyway, moving on.

[11:21] So, Adam Sandler decides he's going to do the only thing he can think of to get this money.

[11:26] He's going to go back on TV, but TV only wants him if he can arrange a reunion with him, his

[11:32] estranged teacher lover, and his estranged son, who has changed his name in order to erase

[11:37] his Berger heritage.

[11:38] And is now a financially successful, uptight, you know, kind of stick-in-the-mud type guy.

[11:45] He's your Egon Spengler, but not a scientist, if you will.

[11:48] Right.

[11:48] And without the great hair.

Stuart Wellington

[11:50] Yeah.

[11:51] Wait, no, I'm thinking of the cartoon.

Dan McCoy

[11:53] He was blonde in the cartoon.

[11:54] But meanwhile, Adam Sandler, his boy, the titular boy, is about to get married to Leighton

[12:00] Meester.

[12:00] And he's played by Andy Samper.

Elliott Kalan

[12:01] Flophouse fave Leighton Meester.

[12:03] Mm-hmm.

[12:03] Of the roommate fame.

[12:04] And you know that she is going to turn out to be a bad choice for him because I guess she

[12:09] has some sense of propriety.

[12:10] Yeah.

[12:12] She's wealthy.

[12:13] She's not like a drunk stripper who barfs all over the place.

[12:16] And it's funny because the movie is setting up a very specific character arc.

[12:20] Adam Sandler's character is a slime ball.

[12:23] His son has cut off all contact with him.

[12:25] He owes all this money to the government.

[12:27] It's clear he's going to have to win people's love back and get back in their good graces

[12:32] to earn his happiness.

Dan McCoy

[12:34] And to be fair, that is a small portion of the movie, but that's like the last 10% maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] Until you get to the last like seven minutes of the movie, it is Adam Sandler walks into

[12:43] a room, does something terrible, and everybody loves it.

[12:46] Yeah.

[12:46] Like he's everybody's hero.

[12:48] He's the most popular guy in the world.

[12:49] And that would work as a running joke if he wasn't like, I guess, the hero of the movie

[12:54] or even like if it hadn't been set up as Adam Sandler has to win back his son's love.

[12:59] You know?

[12:59] If it was that a movie about two – like let's say it's a movie about two friends, one of

[13:04] whom is a good guy and the other is an asshole.

[13:06] And everybody loves the asshole and the good guy can't catch a break.

[13:09] Like that's a comedy plot.

[13:10] Yeah.

[13:11] But instead they like go overboard in making people love Adam Sandler.

[13:15] Right.

[13:16] And then they have to go overboard in making Andy Samberg and his fiancee uptight to justify

[13:20] this.

[13:20] So the movie is like lurching back and forth between –

Dan McCoy

[13:23] The movie becomes about how like a rock bottom slime ball walks into the society wedding and

[13:29] teaches all the squares how to loosen up.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] And if he was like Groucho Marx, then yes.

[13:34] Rodney Dangerfield and him.

[13:35] Yeah.

[13:35] I mean what you're basically talking about is the plot of every Marx Brothers movie.

Dan McCoy

[13:38] Yeah, but those guys – like Groucho Marx doesn't start out as a slime ball.

[13:41] He's just kind of like a –

[13:41] He's a total slime ball.

[13:42] He wants to marry a woman for her money.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] He's a dictator in one of them.

[13:46] He's a shyster lawyer.

[13:47] He's always cheating people.

[13:49] He's more of a charming con man type, I feel like.

[13:52] He's a slime ball.

[13:53] He's a rock bottom slime ball.

[13:54] He never has a lot of money.

Stuart Wellington

[13:55] Give Groucho Marx an earring and a denim vest.

[13:58] You got Adam Sandler in that.

[14:00] Chico, or as you would call him –

[14:01] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[14:01] You're ruining it.

[14:02] Chico is a flat out thief, always conning people, stealing their money, lazy.

[14:08] How's it pronounced?

[14:08] Chico because he chased the chicks.

[14:10] Harpo –

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] If Harpo could talk, he'd be a total jerk.

[14:12] He's always running after girls, tearing their clothes off.

[14:15] He's a possible rapist.

[14:16] He's constantly stealing silverware.

[14:18] I mean – but the problem I guess is that those guys are really funny.

[14:21] And the people they're up against are so incredibly snooty.

[14:24] But Adam Sandler walks into – like they have to keep upping the stakes of how shitty these rich people are.

[14:29] Yeah, the rich people don't seem that shitty.

[14:30] So that Adam Sandler doesn't come off as a monster.

[14:34] But anyway, he comes in and Andy Samberg does not want to admit this is his father.

[14:38] So he says it's his best friend, Donnie.

[14:41] And Donnie makes up a story that he saved Andy Samberg's life.

[14:44] And this is one of the few funny running gags is he tells this story.

[14:47] One thing that genuinely made me laugh.

[14:48] There are like six jokes that genuinely made us laugh in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] Usually about a foul-mouthed granny, right?

Dan McCoy

[14:55] No, they were not any of the foul-mouthed granny jokes.

[14:57] I'm surprised that foul-mouthed granny did not rap at any point.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] Because they did that.

[15:01] The wedding singer with a non-foul-mouthed granny.

Dan McCoy

[15:03] Adam Sandler's like, I burned that material.

[15:04] That material is gold, but I can't use it again.

Elliott Kalan

[15:06] And everyone saw it.

[15:08] He tells a story about how he saved –

[15:10] Walked away.

[15:10] He saved – Andy Samberg's character's name is Todd.

[15:13] He saved Todd's life by –

[15:15] Todd dropped a burrito on a train track and then went down to get it.

[15:18] And Adam Sandler saved him from getting hit by the train.

[15:21] And everyone instantly believes this story and has questions for Todd like, why would you do that?

[15:26] Wouldn't you just buy another burrito?

[15:29] Wouldn't the burrito be dirty?

[15:30] Why didn't you just buy another burrito?

[15:31] And that was like the one funny running gag was that like everyone instantly buys this story and has real questions for Todd about it.

[15:38] But otherwise, Donnie just does a lot of like – he'll walk into a room and say, what's up?

[15:42] And everyone loves it.

[15:43] And he's like, hey, let's all go play baseball.

[15:46] And they spend like 17 days playing baseball.

[15:49] Just him shagging balls out to people in the outfield.

Dan McCoy

[15:51] And he shows them how to have a real bachelor party.

[15:54] Not the one that was planned where they'll go to a man's spa.

[15:57] But one where they go out –

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] Which did look like a boring bachelor party.

[15:59] Yeah, sure.

[16:00] But instead they go to like his favorite dive strip club.

[16:05] And they just – it's one of these movies where –

Stuart Wellington

[16:08] And wrap up at about 10 p.m., I guess.

[16:11] We should talk about that.

Elliott Kalan

[16:12] It's amazing.

[16:13] Let's pause for that because they go to a spa.

[16:16] They're there for at least let's say 40 minutes.

[16:19] At least.

[16:19] Minimum.

[16:20] Then he –

[16:21] It seems like two hours probably.

[16:22] It seems like a long time.

[16:23] And then Donnie goes, let me show you a real strip club.

[16:26] A real bachelor party.

[16:27] They go to the strip club.

[16:28] There's a long montage of them being there.

[16:29] And it's dark when they get there.

[16:30] And it's dark outside.

Dan McCoy

[16:31] They're doing shot after shot of tequila.

[16:33] People are getting up on the stage and dancing with the strippers.

Elliott Kalan

[16:36] And it's not like you can just do that right away.

[16:37] You've got to earn the trust of the place over the course of at least an hour before they'll let you get on stage.

[16:42] They're drinking.

[16:43] They get so drunk that they're like cheating on their wives.

[16:45] Nick Swartzen is gallivanting around.

[16:47] Nick Swartzen is in this too playing.

[16:49] As Stuart pointed out, basically just a more retarded version of Bill Murray's character from Caddyshack.

[16:54] Yeah, with a mullet.

[16:54] And by the end, he's just dressed like Bill Murray's character from Caddyshack.

[16:58] Complete with army helmet and everything.

Dan McCoy

[17:00] It's a homage.

[17:01] It's one of those characters like – I kind of feel like maybe he's like Harvey in Harvey.

[17:05] Like only Adam Sandler can see Nick Swartzen.

Elliott Kalan

[17:07] Except that one of the other characters punches him.

[17:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:10] In many ways, I wish I could not see Nick Swartzen.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] So they go to the best party.

[17:18] They're there for, let's say, minimum estimate, two hours.

[17:21] Yeah.

[17:21] Then they're like, hey, this party's not over yet.

Dan McCoy

[17:24] It really feels like four, though.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] Yeah, it feels like four hours.

[17:26] Then they go – do they go bowling next?

[17:28] Is that it?

Dan McCoy

[17:29] They go to a skating rink.

Elliott Kalan

[17:30] Oh, they go to a skating rink where children are skating.

[17:33] And they're there for, let's say, 35 minutes.

[17:35] But at this point –

[17:36] And who would let their child ice skate around Vanilla Ice and Todd Bridges?

[17:39] Oh, yeah.

[17:40] Vanilla Ice came with them.

[17:41] That's true.

[17:41] And they're there – so like are they at – is this an all-night 3 a.m. ice skating rink?

[17:46] And then they go candlepin bowling.

[17:47] Then they go candlepin bowling.

[17:48] Because did we mention it's Boston?

[17:50] Hey, they're in Boston.

[17:51] So Adam Sandler has a terrible Boston accent with his little Nicky voice rasp.

[17:54] And it's a terrible voice.

[17:56] And it's bad enough that every other movie and television show is apparently set in Boston.

[18:00] And we have to hear Boston accents all the time.

[18:03] It's a controversial statement.

Dan McCoy

[18:04] The entire town of Boston is going to come get you.

[18:08] And as I'm led to believe, they are a pugnacious bunch.

[18:11] They are pugnacious.

[18:11] And I'm going there in a couple weeks.

Elliott Kalan

[18:13] So I'll be in trouble.

[18:14] But it's not even that.

[18:15] It's the same way that if every cop thriller, buddy comedy, family drama was set in Oxford, Mississippi, I'd get tired of that accent.

[18:26] If they were all set in like Juneau, Alaska.

[18:29] Oxford, Mississippi sounds like a very studious part of Mississippi.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] If they were all set in Juneau, Alaska, I'd get tired of the Alaskan accent.

[18:35] If they were all set in Beverly Hills, I'd get tired of that, et cetera.

[18:38] I'm just tired of the Boston accent.

Dan McCoy

[18:39] What if they were a Beverly Hills chihuahua?

Elliott Kalan

[18:40] Now you're talking.

[18:41] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[18:43] But the point is that they go to these family places that, you know, like.

[18:48] It's the middle of the night.

[18:49] It's got to be three or four o'clock.

[18:50] This is after their debauchery of the strip club.

Stuart Wellington

[18:53] I mean, it's painting a grim picture of Boston nightlife.

Dan McCoy

[18:57] Well, what it's painting is.

[18:58] Children running wild, ice skating at two in the morning.

Elliott Kalan

[19:01] The only other explanation is that in Boston, the sun has been extinguished.

[19:07] There's some curse put on the place.

Dan McCoy

[19:08] Mr. Burst has come by with his sun blocking machine.

Elliott Kalan

[19:10] Just like that couple of episodes when Married with Children went to England.

[19:13] Because there was that village where they had been cursed to never see the sun.

[19:17] Boston has apparently been cursed by one of Ed O'Neill's ancestors to never have sunlight.

[19:22] So they go to strip club at, let's say, 11 a.m.

[19:25] Great show.

[19:25] And they go ice skating at, like, lunchtime.

Dan McCoy

[19:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] I'm amazed I remember the storyline for when Married with Children went to London.

[19:35] What a dumb thing to remember.

[19:37] So anyway, but that's the bachelor party.

[19:39] And they're, you know what?

[19:41] Adam Sandler and his son are really, by the way, this is like an hour and 30 minutes into the movie that we just went through.

[19:46] There's very little plot.

[19:47] Adam Sandler has sex with an old lady.

[19:49] There's a lot of that kind of stuff.

[19:51] They make up, you know what?

[19:53] Their relationship is coming together.

[19:54] And Andy Srinberg says, you know what?

[19:55] I will go to jail and visit my mom.

[19:57] Because the mom, the teacher, is still in jail.

[19:59] And Adam Sandler suddenly realizes, oh no.

[20:01] I can't use him like this.

[20:02] I arranged with the TV crew.

[20:04] He's going to hate me.

[20:05] And you know what?

[20:05] That's unfair to him.

[20:06] He's my son.

[20:07] So he says, don't go.

[20:08] Don't go.

[20:08] And he goes, no, I will go.

[20:09] I will go.

[20:10] And he goes.

[20:11] And the TV crew ambushes him.

Stuart Wellington

[20:12] Yeah, that moment of character growth might be ignored by the audience when they see Vanilla Ice urinating on himself like a fountain.

[20:21] And saying, I'm a fountain.

[20:22] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:23] This is also after two fat people in their underpants have chased Andy Srinberg around the darkened streets of Boston.

[20:31] Looking like they're having a lot of fun.

[20:32] Because he rode his bike into their car while they were having sex in it.

[20:36] Which I want to hope is an homage to Tangling Cash.

[20:39] And the scene where their car chase interrupts a couple having sex in a car.

Dan McCoy

[20:43] And then a Russian guy comes out and is like, hey, I believe in perestroika.

[20:47] Which has no connection to anything.

[20:49] Because it's from the 80s.

[20:51] Yeah.

[20:51] It's a thing that happened.

[20:52] I think that was 1990.

Elliott Kalan

[20:53] So there's been a lot of goofy jokes that we skipped over.

[20:58] We haven't mentioned any about.

[21:00] Oh, and we should mention that Andy Srinberg's fiance has a brother who's a Marine.

[21:07] And does a lot of threatening Andy Srinberg and wrestling him.

[21:10] And Adam Sandler introduces his superpower.

[21:13] Which is that he can knock anyone out by hitting them in the back of the head with a bottle.

[21:17] He's always got a beer on him.

[21:19] The Marine is trying to beat up Andy Srinberg.

[21:21] And he hits him with the bottle.

[21:23] For some reason, Andy Srinberg gets in a fist fight with a priest played by James Caan.

[21:27] And Adam Sandler hits him in the back of the head with a bottle.

[21:29] James Caan with an amazing Irish accent.

[21:33] You're watching it and you're watching it and you just wonder why James Caan is in it.

[21:36] But I think maybe he didn't know who Adam Sandler was.

[21:39] He thought this was the next bottle rocket.

[21:41] Or as you said...

[21:42] He gave a little bit of help to a young man named Wes Anderson and the Wilson brothers.

[21:46] Maybe he'll help out this Adam Sandler and this Andrew Sandberger.

Dan McCoy

[21:49] Or as you said in the Total Recall episode when I was amazed that Bill Nighy was in the movie.

[21:55] They probably got him to be in the movie by paying him money.

Elliott Kalan

[21:57] I think that was probably it.

[21:59] They said, James Caan, would you like money to buy things?

[22:01] And he said, I would like that.

[22:03] Tell me what I would have to do to do it.

[22:04] Will you shoot two scenes in Adam Sandler's movie?

[22:07] He said, will this take less than 72 hours?

[22:09] Yes, it will, James Caan.

[22:11] Okay, then I will.

[22:13] How much money are you paying me?

[22:14] What does it take?

[22:16] On Martha's Vineyard?

[22:17] Sounds good.

[22:18] It's the same way that they got Tony Orlando in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:20] See, who needs an agent in this day and age?

[22:22] You just do it yourself.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] You just call them up and you offer them the money.

[22:25] Hey, we're all freelance entrepreneurs.

[22:27] We're selling our brand.

[22:29] That's the 21st century.

[22:30] You don't have a career.

[22:31] You're a brand.

[22:31] You got to push it.

[22:32] And James Caan is pushing the James Caan brands to get all these juicy Batlin Priest roles.

[22:39] When they do a remake of The Fighting 69th with Jimmy Cagney, James Caan will be ready for it.

Dan McCoy

[22:45] So what are we up to?

[22:46] I don't even remember.

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] So he goes to the prison.

[22:49] They're reconnecting.

[22:50] He goes to the prison.

[22:51] The TV crew ambushes him and he says, you used me.

[22:54] And Adam Sandler says, no, it wasn't like that.

[22:56] It wasn't like that.

[22:57] Andy Samberg and Adam Sandler get into an argument.

[22:59] It's that moment where the two characters who have become friends part ways until they reconnect.

[23:06] This moment was most hit home for me when I saw the movie Shrek.

[23:09] And Shrek and the donkey had an argument and walked away from each other.

[23:12] It was like, that was totally unnecessary.

[23:14] It's just because the plot needs them to do that right now.

[23:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:17] You're saying?

[23:18] No, I just want to backtrack a moment and say that.

[23:20] No filler in Shrek.

Elliott Kalan

[23:22] Nope.

[23:23] The running around for no reason scene set to my reputation.

[23:28] Totally not filler.

Dan McCoy

[23:30] I just wanted to point out that, as you may have guessed, the older Eva Amuri was played by real-life Eva Amuri mother, Susan Sarandon.

[23:39] Yeah, because that's probably how she's going to age, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:41] Exactly.

[23:42] I look exactly like my dad looked at 31.

[23:46] I assume Dan looks like his dad at 57.

[23:49] How old are you?

[23:50] I am 34.

[23:53] Especially with the new beard.

[23:54] And Stuart is totally youthful.

[23:54] And they broke the mold when they created Stuart.

[23:56] So he looks like nobody except maybe Seth Rogen a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[23:58] I quaff human pineal gland fluid like the leech woman every day.

[24:03] You bathe in the blood of virgins.

[24:05] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[24:05] Yeah, like Lady Bathory.

[24:07] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[24:09] So...

Dan McCoy

[24:09] Do you think that because she was named Lady Bathory, she thought to herself, I gotta have some sort of bath-related schtick.

[24:15] I gotta figure this out.

[24:16] That was probably it, yeah.

[24:17] Just like Bouncer Dalton.

Elliott Kalan

[24:18] I mean, she lived in a country that spoke English, so she didn't, though.

[24:22] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[24:25] Maybe she did.

[24:26] I don't think so, though.

[24:26] Blood's pretty easy to come across, right?

[24:28] Sure.

[24:28] Like, water would be boring.

[24:30] Especially back then.

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] Yeah.

[24:31] Well, you always say, I want to get out of a bath feeling stickier than when I walked into it.

[24:35] And that's what a blood bath does for you.

[24:37] You get nice and sticky and crusty.

[24:39] Then you just sell that shit to Dracula.

[24:42] Boom.

[24:43] Yeah, you're making money left and right.

[24:45] I got clean and paid.

[24:47] Thanks, Easy Pawn.

[24:49] And I got my bracelet back.

[24:51] Yeah.

[24:51] The joke for anyone who rides the subway in New York sees the Easy Pawn ads.

[24:57] So, what do we...

[24:58] Oh, so anyway.

[25:00] Where were we?

[25:01] Oh, they...

[25:02] Oh, they break up.

[25:03] They're estranged.

[25:04] They're estranged from each other again.

Stuart Wellington

[25:06] I think that's when the soundtrack goes from Van Halen to The Replacements.

Elliott Kalan

[25:10] Yeah.

[25:10] There's a lot of 80s hits in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[25:13] The soundtrack's a pretty good soundtrack.

[25:15] I'll say that.

Elliott Kalan

[25:15] They play 15 seconds worth of Whiplash by Metallica.

[25:18] So, that was okay with me.

[25:20] They play most of...

[25:21] In the limelight, right?

[25:23] Yeah.

[25:23] Or is it just called Limelight?

[25:24] Limelight.

[25:24] Look, I'm not a Rush fan.

Stuart Wellington

[25:26] Okay.

[25:26] And, hey, wait.

[25:28] Is Hot for Teacher in this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[25:29] I don't think it is, which is weird.

[25:32] Strange.

[25:32] Since the movie was based on that song.

[25:35] But anyway...

[25:36] Oh, I was going to say that Susan Sarandon now kind of has the lock on playing the older

[25:42] versions of teachers who had sex with their students.

[25:44] And she did it in 30 Rock, too.

[25:46] Oh, yeah?

[25:46] Where she was Judah Friedlander's former teacher who got out of jail and reconnected with him.

[25:50] That's right.

[25:50] Because they had sex when he was a student.

[25:52] So, I guess this is how she wants her career to go.

Dan McCoy

[25:54] I think it's just like Hollywood needs to find another sexy older lady.

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] A Helen Mirren, I guess.

[25:59] Yeah.

[26:00] But, I mean, Susan Sarandon has aged extremely well.

[26:02] Like a milf?

Stuart Wellington

[26:02] She's a beautiful woman.

[26:03] I mean, there's websites devoted to just that thing, man.

Elliott Kalan

[26:06] There are hardworking milf hunters tracking these milfs down, tagging them and releasing

[26:11] them into the wild so we can track their migration patterns.

[26:13] Yeah, they tag them, toss them in their bang bus.

[26:16] The problem really is...

[26:17] Terrible.

[26:18] The problem is unlicensed milf hunters who hunt looking for bushmeat.

[26:22] To feed their tribes.

[26:23] Yeah.

[26:23] And milf numbers are at a drastic low.

Dan McCoy

[26:26] They claim that they need to thin the milf for the good of the herd, but that is wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[26:30] Yeah.

[26:31] And the HWCS, the Hot Wife Conservation Society, asks for your donations.

[26:36] Also a website.

[26:37] They need guards.

[26:39] They need fences.

[26:40] These refuges for milfs are being devastated.

Dan McCoy

[26:44] Basically malls and...

Elliott Kalan

[26:45] And cash crop farming and beef grazing has caused them to cut down the rainforests, which are

[26:51] the milfs' natural habitat.

[26:52] The destruction of the wetlands?

[26:54] Ugh, milfs.

[26:55] Many milfs have successfully adapted to living in the suburbs, but not enough.

[27:00] But the point is...

[27:00] Please, won't you?

[27:01] Be aware of the problem.

[27:03] The point is that...

Dan McCoy

[27:04] Cute Sarah McLachlan song.

[27:06] In the arms of a mother.

[27:09] Adam Sandler needs to figure out a way to regain his son's trust.

[27:12] I can't believe we're still talking about this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:13] Yeah, well, we'll finish up.

[27:14] And he comes in.

[27:15] What he does is he overhears his son's fiancee talking to someone on the phone.

[27:20] He thinks she's cheating on him.

[27:22] He confronts her at the rehearsal dinner.

[27:24] She says it was something else entirely.

[27:26] Now he looks like even more of a jerk.

[27:27] He decides he's going to make it up to her and win her over by bringing her ice cream.

[27:32] So he just brings two ice cream cones, vanilla too, they're just ice cream, to her hotel.

[27:37] The ice cream doesn't melt at all.

[27:39] So Stuart, I think it was who pointed out, that it was probably just mashed potatoes.

[27:42] How long must he have been walking with that ice cream?

Dan McCoy

[27:45] From the ice cream place to the hotel, then up to the room.

Elliott Kalan

[27:48] He goes up to the room and he overhears her through the door having sex with somebody.

[27:52] What?

[27:52] It can't be his son because his son is over at home.

[27:55] He sneaks in by walking across a ledge and finds out...

[28:00] And this is where the movie really, I feel like, wins over the audience.

[28:03] If you were on the fence about That's My Boy, you thought it was maybe a little too crass.

[28:07] Then the scene where Adam Sandler walks in on...

Stuart Wellington

[28:09] This is the point where you've gotten up out of your chair, walked about ten steps toward the exit,

[28:13] and then you look over your shoulder.

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] And you look back and you say, alright, That's My Boy, you got one less chance.

[28:17] Turns out Andy Samberg's fiancé is having an affair with her brother.

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:22] That's right.

[28:22] Gross.

[28:23] She is routinely having sex with her brother.

[28:25] This is when you go, you shake your head and go, not this time, that's my boy.

[28:28] And you walk out the door.

[28:30] Oh, I thought...

[28:31] Slam it shut behind you.

Dan McCoy

[28:32] I thought that was when you said, god damn, that's my boy, you magnificent bastard.

[28:36] You've done it again.

[28:37] I don't...

[28:38] Nope.

[28:38] Bravo.

[28:38] You slow clap.

Elliott Kalan

[28:39] You slow clap the incest third act reveal?

[28:42] Yeah.

[28:42] I don't think so.

[28:44] He might not like it, but he respects where the movie went.

[28:46] Yeah.

[28:48] I don't like you, but I respect you.

[28:50] No, wait.

[28:51] I don't respect you.

[28:52] I don't like you and I don't respect you.

[28:54] So Adam Sandler comes back to the wedding.

[28:57] He tries to get there for some...

[28:59] Oh, Sheep gives him a $50,000 check to stay quiet, but then he says, no, I can't do it.

[29:03] Even though this is going to keep me out of jail, it's the money I need to pay my back taxes that I owe.

[29:07] I'm going to be good by my son.

[29:09] He goes to the wedding with vanilla ice in tow.

[29:12] Their car hits like sand or something.

[29:15] They get stuck in the desert.

[29:16] They have to get out and run the last mile.

[29:19] They get thrown on the beach.

[29:20] They get to the wedding and they reveal all and they save the day and Andy Samberg...

[29:26] And everyone shames Leighton Meester.

[29:29] Everyone, like, you start to kind of feel bad for them.

Dan McCoy

[29:32] Yeah, I mean, she is having sex with her brother, but, like, everyone turns on him so quickly.

Elliott Kalan

[29:36] And this is a movie that has championed statutory rape, so consensual incest is a weird thing to hold the line at.

[29:43] Like, wait a minute.

[29:44] It's okay for a grown-up to have sex with a child.

[29:47] It is not okay for two adults to have sex with each other if they're related.

[29:50] I mean, it's probably a deep psychological problem.

[29:52] Just to be clear, I don't think either of those things is okay.

[29:54] No, you're endorsing both of them, right?

[29:56] I'm not endorsing either of them, but it seems weird for the movie to come down on the side of the one that could cause emotional trauma and damage, whereas the other one is...

[30:05] Probably the cause of emotional problems.

[30:07] It's ruined two lives.

Dan McCoy

[30:08] I mean, like, Adam Sandler's never gotten over it, and Andy Samberg had a terrible childhood because of it.

[30:14] It's also implied that Andy Samberg and Adam Sandler are both math geniuses.

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] Yeah.

[30:18] You know, a thing that you'd think this would in some way help them solve the problem of being, of owing money or...

[30:24] No.

[30:25] ...whatever.

[30:25] But no, it's just a thing that they have, that they're math geniuses and can calculate any number in their heads.

Stuart Wellington

[30:29] Part of why the teacher was attracted to him...

[30:32] Was his ability at math.

Dan McCoy

[30:33] Innately sensed that in him.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] Well, she's like the Professor X of statutory rape.

[30:38] Sure.

[30:38] She saw the special gift hidden inside this child.

Dan McCoy

[30:41] And she said, I'm gonna fuck that out of him.

Elliott Kalan

[30:43] I guess so.

[30:44] Instead of taking her...

[30:45] She was also bald.

[30:47] Yeah.

[30:47] And she was in a floating gold wheelchair.

[30:50] A hover chair.

[30:51] She was also friends with Magneto before a falling out.

[30:54] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[30:55] But so, you know, everything has been fixed between them now?

[30:59] Their relationship is great.

Elliott Kalan

[31:00] Adam Sandler's gonna find new love with a bartender at the strip club.

[31:03] Oh, you mean Andy Sandberg is.

[31:05] Oh, Andy Sandberg's gonna find new love with a bartender at the strip club.

[31:08] And Adam Sandler says, you know what?

[31:10] I will go to jail.

[31:11] I'll be out in three years.

[31:12] That's when Susan Saranian's gonna get out of jail and we can reconnect.

[31:14] And there's something about that moment that I was like, well, at least they're treating it like a real...

[31:19] Like they're gonna try to build a relationship.

[31:21] But then, uh-oh, we forgot to mention that in the first three...

[31:24] No, the first ten minutes of the movie...

Dan McCoy

[31:26] One of the other few good jokes in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] Adam Sandler has decided to bet some money.

[31:30] Bet $100?

[31:31] $20.

[31:32] No, $20.

[31:32] Bet $20 on a fat guy to win the Boston Marathon at 8,001 odds.

[31:37] In the last two minutes of the movie...

[31:39] That might solve his $50,000 problem.

[31:42] With a lot left over to spare.

[31:44] And the last five minutes of the movie, on television, they realize the fat guy is winning the marathon and they watch him struggle to the finish line and beat all the Ethiopian runners.

[31:55] For good fun, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:55] This fat guy comes back in a fat ex machina to solve all of the problems.

Elliott Kalan

[32:01] Yeah.

[32:02] And they win and now he's got the money to stay out of jail.

[32:06] Consequences averted.

[32:07] And it hints at a much better movie about Adam Sandler coaching a fat guy to get him to win the Boston Marathon.

[32:13] But that didn't happen.

Stuart Wellington

[32:14] You know, I love movies where the entirety movie...

[32:18] Okay, you're right.

[32:19] I like it when a movie seems like the entire movie is just built around one final joke.

[32:25] Lost Boys, Cabin Fever, etc.

[32:28] Ministry of Fear.

[32:29] But in this case, it feels like they had the joke and then they're like, let's milk it for another five, ten minutes here.

Elliott Kalan

[32:36] Yeah, they really...

[32:37] Like Dan mentioned, they should have just had someone walk in with a big check and be like, hey, that fat guy won.

[32:42] We did it.

Dan McCoy

[32:43] Because then it becomes a joke about how throwaway that was.

[32:46] It's like, we have just fucked you, movie watcher, by revealing how arbitrary anything that happens in this movie is.

[32:55] And then that's funny.

Elliott Kalan

[32:56] But instead, they turn it into a like, is he going to make it?

[33:00] Is he going to finish the race?

[33:01] About a character who's been...

[33:02] We've literally only seen a still photo of one time earlier in the movie.

[33:06] We have no emotional feeling for this guy.

[33:09] I expected Chariots of Fire to start playing.

[33:11] I bet they spent so much money on the other music rights for this movie that they couldn't afford that.

[33:16] You couldn't toss the money to Vangelis?

[33:18] According to Wikipedia, the budget of this movie was $70 million, which is amazing.

Dan McCoy

[33:24] Well, wasn't there a thing online about people theorizing that Adam Sandler movies are some sort of like money laundering operation?

[33:30] I've heard that about The Room.

Elliott Kalan

[33:31] Maybe Tax Shelter.

[33:32] I mean, Adam Sandler's movies, for the most part, seem to be based around where he can vacation during the shooting of the movie.

[33:38] Like Hawaii and just go with it.

[33:40] A cruise ship in Jack and Jill.

[33:41] Just wherever they went in grown-ups.

Dan McCoy

[33:43] Well, that was like Jack and Jill was like...

[33:45] But nobody goes on vacation.

[33:46] Also like a $70 million proposition.

[33:48] But that movie had so much product placement in it.

[33:51] Like the whole thing turned on a Dunkin' Donuts advertisement.

Elliott Kalan

[33:54] Oh, but also that's a movie that you have to do...

[33:56] At least there's special effects in that movie for scenes that...

[33:58] Yeah, Fat Suit.

[34:00] No, no, but Adam Sandler has planned scenes with himself.

[34:02] Are you saying the effects wasn't that special?

Dan McCoy

[34:03] Yeah, I've seen special.

Elliott Kalan

[34:05] The effects were far from special.

[34:07] And the metography was far from Cina.

[34:10] It's Gene Shalit.

[34:12] The writing was far from screen.

[34:15] What?

[34:15] And the agraphy was far from Corey.

[34:20] I'm Gene Shalit.

[34:22] From Beyond the Grave?

[34:23] Is he still alive?

[34:25] Well, wherever you are, I hope you're doing great, Gene.

[34:30] But this is one of those movies that is like...

[34:33] You could almost be okay with it if it was like just a vulgar throwaway comedy.

[34:37] Like it's not...

[34:38] There are a couple funny jokes in it over a two-hour running time.

[34:42] But it's mostly super unfunny and super gross.

[34:45] But like then there are those moments where you're supposed to feel for the characters.

[34:48] And it's like, no movie, you haven't earned that.

[34:51] No movie, this isn't the type of movie you are.

[34:53] You forgot which movie you are.

[34:54] Like maybe like the producers can do that.

[34:58] But the producers is a far better movie.

[35:00] Be like kind of a vulgar comedy where you feel for the characters a little bit.

[35:03] But the producers never gets as like mawkish as this.

Dan McCoy

[35:06] I mean the fact that there's like a father-son relationship.

[35:08] It doesn't get as mawkish or as vulgar for that matter.

[35:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[35:10] It just...

[35:11] Like...

[35:11] Does the producers feature a character who can whip out a bottle of beer from any part of his body at any point?

Elliott Kalan

[35:19] No, but one of the heroes...

[35:19] And then has sex with a granny.

[35:20] But one of the heroes is a slimeball who has sex with grannies.

[35:23] Okay, see?

[35:24] Zero Mostel.

[35:26] So basically what I'm saying is...

[35:27] The late, great Zero Mostel.

[35:28] The producers meets the Marx Brothers is...

[35:31] No, no, no.

[35:31] That's my boy.

[35:33] You've ruined everything that I hold dear.

[35:35] That's my boy is like Groucho plus Mel Brooks.

[35:38] My heart is hurting.

[35:39] Adam Sandler is...

[35:40] If Groucho, Marx, and Zero Mostel had a child...

[35:43] Oh, God.

[35:44] He'd be Adam Sandler.

[35:45] He'd be their boy.

[35:46] Says Dan McCoy of Dan McCoy's movie review.

[35:48] I never say it.

[35:50] These are all things you say.

[35:52] Also, the phrase, that's my boy, is in the movie a couple times.

[35:54] Like, times.

[35:55] Which is just stupid.

[35:57] The only way that...

[35:58] I wish they'd put a counter up in the corner of the screen every time the phrase, that's my boy, was said.

[36:03] That would be amazing.

[36:04] It's...

[36:04] What I guess I'm saying is I wish this movie was either sillier and dumber, or was an actual movie about a father and a son trying to connect.

Stuart Wellington

[36:12] And longer, right?

[36:13] You said you'd like it to be longer?

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] I thought at an hour and 54 minutes, they'd only scraped the surface of what was hidden here.

[36:19] I wish this was like...

[36:20] The clock, or like...

[36:22] Or Berlin Alexanderplatz.

[36:23] You know, give me...

[36:24] I want to spend a full day without sleeping watching this.

Dan McCoy

[36:27] Well, that brings us, I think, into our next segment, which is final judgments on this movie.

[36:32] Final judgments.

[36:34] Judgmentos finale.

[36:35] Now, the old final judgments theme.

[36:37] We haven't heard that one.

Elliott Kalan

[36:37] Is playing at...

[36:39] Right now.

[36:41] Dan's house.

[36:42] In your ears.

Dan McCoy

[36:43] So, is this a good bad...

[36:45] Showtime.

[36:46] Now.

[36:47] Where we answer the question, is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked?

[36:52] Stuart, what do you have to say about that?

Stuart Wellington

[36:54] This was a movie I thought was a bad bad movie.

[36:59] I tricked you there.

[37:00] Nope.

[37:01] I don't think anyone's suspenseful.

[37:02] No, it's too long.

[37:04] It isn't...

[37:05] It's not even funny enough.

[37:07] And it's a movie where the model relationship in the movie is between a teacher and her student.

[37:14] Like, the model romantic relationship.

Elliott Kalan

[37:16] But if the movie had had...

[37:18] Like, there could be a really good movie about that.

[37:22] Yeah.

[37:22] There may be, and I'm just not thinking about it at the moment, but this is not it.

[37:25] You know, there...

Dan McCoy

[37:26] It needs to be more courageous and really, like, pushing the offensive stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[37:29] There were a lot of scenes in this movie where, like, if John Waters had done them, he may have pulled them off.

[37:34] Because, like, he would have gone super far, and he would have not been...

[37:40] He would have been, like, shocking you, but never being like, eh, get it, get it, get it, eh.

[37:45] Shocking, right?

Dan McCoy

[37:45] If you're trying to go far with the movie, you have to go all the way.

Elliott Kalan

[37:48] And to have that weird moral turn where it's like, rape, yes.

[37:51] Incest, no.

[37:52] Adam Sandler says.

[37:54] That's where the line gets drawn.

[37:55] Like, unless the joke is how hypocritical this slime ball is, but it's not.

Stuart Wellington

[37:59] And it's just another twist on, like, the stuck-up girlfriend or stuck-up wife character.

[38:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[38:06] Like, having something wrong with her.

[38:07] If you don't...

[38:08] Having something, like, secret that's like, oh, you're gross.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] Well, because, like, in a lot of these movies, it's like, if the girl doesn't like her husband being a bro, that's her problem, which is horrible.

[38:18] But this one, it's not even being a bro.

[38:19] Being a bro is horrible?

[38:21] Basically.

[38:22] Oh, okay.

[38:22] But in this one, it's not even that she, like, the behavior that is acceptable for the movie is so outlandish that she has to be equally outlandishly uptight and have this crazy skeleton in her closet.

Dan McCoy

[38:33] Yeah, I haven't noticed that necessarily, but you're right.

[38:36] There is, like, this weird, like, streak of misogyny in these type of movies where, like, the uptight girl who, like, seems like she's actually just rational, like, they have to be like, no, she's evil.

[38:45] Yeah, there needs to be something that's...

Stuart Wellington

[38:47] And we're gonna make her lick still wet jizzum off of her wedding dress.

[38:50] Oh, I forgot about that part.

[38:51] Which is something that happens in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[38:51] Well, okay, when there's that, she has a $12,000 wedding dress, and Andy Samberg, after a night of debauchery, it doesn't look like it's worth $12,000, he vomits and ejaculates on it, off camera, thankfully.

[39:03] And the next morning, she goes, oh, you threw up on my dress?

[39:06] And there's something else sticky on it.

[39:09] Still sticky.

[39:10] Smells it.

[39:11] And then...

[39:11] Touches it, smells it.

[39:12] Licks it.

[39:13] Oh, it's jizz.

[39:14] It's like, one, how did she not realize till that moment what it was?

[39:18] But also, why do you have to make...

[39:20] She thought he had been making a sandwich with mayonnaise or something.

Stuart Wellington

[39:24] Why do you make...

[39:24] And then he vomited.

[39:25] It makes a lot of sense.

Elliott Kalan

[39:26] Why do you make the female lead of your movie lick the jizz off a vomit-encrusted dress?

[39:31] Like, again, maybe John Waters could have done it, because in his movie, she would have enjoyed it.

[39:35] But in this, it's a demeaning thing.

[39:38] And these movies are totally like...

[39:40] I mean, the undercurrent of all of them is demeaning women.

[39:41] There's a minor undercurrent in this about demeaning other ethnic groups.

[39:45] There's like the goofy Asian butler, who hates his white bosses, and the goofy black African priest, who shows up at the end.

[39:53] Tony Orlando's white?

[39:55] Yes.

[39:55] His last name's Orlando.

[39:57] And at the end, they make a big thing out of the fat guy beating Ethiopian runners in a race.

[40:03] I know Ethiopians win a lot of races.

[40:05] But they're going like, yeah, you beat those Ethiopians.

[40:08] Like, it's this weird undercurrent of racism.

[40:11] No, with a stick.

[40:11] No, don't.

[40:12] What they're saying.

[40:12] But it's like, not just a gross vulgar comedy.

[40:15] It's a gross vulgar comedy that hates women unless they are strippers who love to get drunk.

[40:20] And hates anyone who's not white, basically.

[40:23] Unless you're a stripper who loves to get drunk.

Dan McCoy

[40:25] So that's a good, good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] I'm saying run, don't walk to your television.

[40:31] Yeah.

[40:32] I'm saying it was a very bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[40:33] I'll say it's a bad, bad movie that like every 18 minutes showed me a flash of a movie I would embarrassingly kind of like.

[40:40] But there were not enough of those flashes to make it.

[40:43] There were.

Elliott Kalan

[40:43] A lot of funny people apparently did script rewrites on this uncredited.

[40:47] And you can tell because there's like a joke here or there that's totally unrelated to the rest of the movie that's funny.

[40:53] Like maybe once every 18 minutes, yeah.

[40:55] But the rest, the underpinnings of the movie is bad and it's like.

[40:59] And I have to say like.

[41:00] It's just not funny.

[41:01] I, you know.

[41:01] What are you going to do?

[41:02] Hey, maybe I don't like comedy, but I didn't find this one funny.

[41:06] Well, that's the other thing.

[41:06] Except that it was like the producers meets the Marx Brothers.

[41:08] I got.

Dan McCoy

[41:10] I got to say that as someone like who is involved in the comedy world, like it always brings me no joy to like make fun of like a comedy.

[41:18] No, because you want to laugh.

[41:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:20] And watching a bad comedy is a less pleasant experience than watching a bad drama.

[41:24] Like we always want to see funny things before.

[41:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:26] And I'm an accredited comedian here, guys.

[41:29] And I think I agree with you.

[41:32] Finish saying what you're saying before I interrupted you.

Elliott Kalan

[41:33] Quote, equally funny quote, quote, comedian quote, Stuart Wellington.

[41:37] No, I just want to say that like.

[41:38] Some reviews together.

Dan McCoy

[41:40] Most of the people involved in this movie have done like funny things in the past.

[41:44] And I hope that they do funny things in the future.

[41:46] But it just didn't work for me.

Elliott Kalan

[41:48] I mean, I was as I thought Adam Sandler was as funny as anybody when I was like 13 years old.

[41:53] And I and but I think even the 13 year old me watching this movie would not have enjoyed it.

[41:57] You know.

Dan McCoy

[41:58] Funny people make missteps, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[42:00] Speaking of entertainment.

[42:01] It's just unfortunate.

[42:02] They caught this on camera and then sold it as a movie.

[42:05] Caught it on camera.

[42:06] So you think this was something they just did for fun in their spare time?

Elliott Kalan

[42:08] You found footage, right?

[42:09] Yeah, exactly.

[42:10] Yeah.

[42:10] Before we get on.

[42:11] I was going to say bad, bad movie officially.

Dan McCoy

[42:13] Before we get on to the next segment, I do want to briefly say something about.

[42:16] Before we get on.

[42:17] The Entertainment Weekly blurb.

[42:19] I realized that it said that this podcast comes out weekly in Entertainment Weekly.

Elliott Kalan

[42:25] They must have gotten us confused with their own entertainment periodical, which has weekly in the title.

Dan McCoy

[42:29] For new listeners, this is actually a bi-monthly podcast.

[42:32] And I have to say that that was my own fault that they sent something to me for fact checking.

[42:37] But in most of the cases, they broke it down like one fact per question.

[42:41] And then in one of the questions, it was like, is it fair to say that every week three comedians break apart a bad movie?

[42:48] And I focused on the description of the podcast rather than the every week part.

[42:54] So that was on me.

[42:56] But this is actually a bi-monthly podcast.

[42:57] We do it roughly once every two weeks.

Elliott Kalan

[42:59] Actually, we've been keeping a schedule really nicely.

[43:02] There were years when we would do it very infrequently compared to now.

[43:06] But we kept to a good schedule.

Dan McCoy

[43:08] We've slowly become more professional over time.

Elliott Kalan

[43:10] And frankly, with all those podcasts out there to listen to, isn't it a relief to have one that doesn't come out once a week or multiple times a week?

Dan McCoy

[43:17] Make it a treat when it comes out.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] Yeah, you know what?

[43:19] Let's make them wait for it.

[43:20] Make them beg for it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:21] Crack open that microwave.

[43:23] Throw in some Go-Gurt.

[43:25] Why would you put Go-Gurt on it?

[43:27] Suicide sandwiches.

Elliott Kalan

[43:28] No.

[43:29] So the plan is to have the Go-Gurt explode onto the suicide sandwich.

[43:33] Stuart Wellington's classic suicide sandwich with Go-Gurt.

[43:36] Explosion sidecar.

Dan McCoy

[43:38] Before we also get on to the letters segment.

Elliott Kalan

[43:42] You mean get on to the letters segment.

Dan McCoy

[43:43] I also wanted to throw in a quick plug to our friends over at the Bonnie and Maude podcast.

[43:49] Yeah.

[43:50] One half of whom is Ksenia Yarosh, who is part of I Love Bad Movies that sponsors our live movie, bad movie night shows.

[43:58] Next one, June 8th.

[44:00] Yeah.

[44:00] So if you want to listen to a serious podcast about movies.

Elliott Kalan

[44:04] But it is also funny at times, but it is a serious discussion of movies.

[44:08] Not always bad.

[44:09] Mm-hmm.

[44:10] Then Bonnie and Maude is a very good one.

Dan McCoy

[44:11] Yeah.

[44:12] With a slight women's bent, I would say.

[44:15] Yes.

[44:16] And there are not a lot of podcasts about film that feature female hosts.

[44:20] I mean, there may be.

Stuart Wellington

[44:21] Just a bunch of loud jerks yakking about boobs.

Elliott Kalan

[44:24] Yes, that's us.

[44:25] High five.

[44:27] And our friends over at All Things Comedy, home of comedy and podcasts.

[44:32] We're also part of the All Things Comedy Network.

[44:33] If you're just picking up this podcast off the Entertainment Weekly recommendation, take a spin over to allthingscomedy.com and take a look at the other podcasts.

[44:41] A lot of great ones that you'll enjoy.

Dan McCoy

[44:44] But you'll enjoy ours the most.

[44:46] It's time to answer some of your letters from the Flophouse Movie Mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[44:51] Special song for the Flophouse Movie Mailbag.

[44:54] Post-Entertainment Weekly blurb song.

[44:57] If you're just coming to the show new.

[45:00] This is the worst part.

[45:00] If you're a new listener, listen up now.

[45:03] Because I do songs before the letters.

[45:05] Sometimes they're long.

[45:07] Sometimes they're better.

[45:08] But they're songs for the letters.

[45:10] Letters for the Flophouse from you.

[45:12] Maybe.

[45:13] If you sent one after you read about Entertainment Weekly's thing about us.

[45:16] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[45:16] Let's not.

[45:17] Thank you, Entertainment Weekly, for seeking out our podcast.

Dan McCoy

[45:21] The entire listener bump that we got from being featured in a national magazine has now been erased.

[45:26] What about the big finish for my song?

[45:28] No.

Elliott Kalan

[45:28] I was going to scat for five minutes.

Dan McCoy

[45:31] Your song was scat.

[45:32] Black.

Elliott Kalan

[45:33] Letter time.

Dan McCoy

[45:35] So this letter is titled, Future Mr. Skin Competitor Sites.

[45:40] From Matthew, last name withheld.

[45:42] Lesko.

[45:43] He said.

[45:44] Matthew Lesko.

[45:45] It's got to be.

[45:45] Hello, Flopperinos.

[45:46] I know that Dan has a very entrenched relationship with the fine folks over at Mr. Skin.

[45:51] Not true.

[45:52] But.

Elliott Kalan

[45:52] Please, Mr. Skin lives in Florida.

[45:53] Call me Raj Skin.

Dan McCoy

[45:54] But have any of the floppers ever thought about adapting the basic service of Mr. Skin to other aspects of film?

[46:02] For instance.

[46:02] Like violence?

[46:04] For instance, my friend would like a website that would show every instance in a school-oriented movie where the bully's lackey pushes the bully away to embrace the hero.

[46:13] I would probably.

Elliott Kalan

[46:13] Oh, even better would be when the bully at the end pushes the lackey away when he's trying to comfort him.

[46:17] That's a solid move.

[46:19] They know they do it in Better Off Dead.

Dan McCoy

[46:20] Yeah.

[46:21] And is that happening in Karate Kid or am I not?

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] In Karate Kid, yes.

[46:26] Well, the thing is in the Karate Kid, the bad, he pushes, he doesn't push him away, but he leaves the Cobra Kai member.

[46:32] And the, one of the things I love about Karate Kid actually is that his main opponent.

[46:37] Like turns on a dime and is like.

[46:38] When Ralph Macchio beats him, he goes, hey, you're a good guy.

[46:41] And he actually takes the trophy out of the hand of the ref and hands it to Ralph Macchio.

[46:45] And it's such a great moment of like, you know what?

[46:48] You're a good karate guy.

[46:49] I like you.

[46:49] Like it's, you can imagine a real friendship forming between them.

Stuart Wellington

[46:53] And he has to go to, what, Okinawa?

[46:56] And leave that friendship behind.

[46:57] Yeah, and they die on the beaches.

[46:58] Yeah.

[46:59] They were just soaking up bullets so our brave boys could end that war.

[47:03] I think you're misremembering Karate Kid Part 2.

Elliott Kalan

[47:05] Karate Kid Part 2 is a flashback to the Battle of Okinawa, right?

Dan McCoy

[47:09] But he goes on to say, I would probably be one of the first subscribers to a website that could tell me the exact moment in every movie where a stuntman covered in fire walks like a zombie out of an explosion.

[47:19] That would be pretty great.

[47:20] I think I remember Stuart mentioning that his favorite part of the movie is when a character makes a basket and then gives himself a fist pump while saying, yes.

[47:27] I'm sure the other hosts have ideas just as good.

[47:29] It doesn't have to just be a basket.

[47:31] It could be anything.

[47:31] I claim only a quarter of all future profits derived from the sites you guys come up with.

[47:35] Flop Searly, Matthew, Last Name, or Hell.

Stuart Wellington

[47:38] Yeah, I think that's a good idea.

[47:39] We could do like when somebody pumps his fist and says yes.

Elliott Kalan

[47:44] Movies where someone looks at a check and goes, huh?

[47:47] Or like fancy food arrives and it's a really small portion.

Dan McCoy

[47:50] At times when the girl from Ipanema is playing in an elevator.

[47:53] Or when someone's walking in a bathing suit past a pool.

Stuart Wellington

[47:57] Or any time a famous actress gets naked in a movie.

[48:00] No, that's the original.

Elliott Kalan

[48:01] Yeah, and we could classify it by what kind of nudity you see.

[48:05] No, I think that you guys have forgotten.

[48:07] I think this is a...

[48:08] We could call it Mr. Nude.

[48:14] Okay.

[48:15] No, that's good.

[48:15] When I said violence earlier, I could see a site called like Mr. Bullets or something

[48:20] where it's like in action movies when the action scenes take place.

[48:25] So you don't have to sit through all of like, you know, double team or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[48:29] People who like action without any sort of emotional context whatsoever.

[48:32] Yeah, although I guess then you can just watch The Ray of Redemption.

Elliott Kalan

[48:35] Which gives you minimal emotional context.

[48:38] Minimal emotional context.

[48:39] They're brothers, dude.

[48:40] They are.

[48:40] Spoiler alert.

[48:41] That doesn't really have much bearing on the constant kick fighting.

[48:45] You can see it in their fighting styles, Elliot.

[48:49] I actually, I would like a service for that for movies that are not musicals but have a musical number in it.

[48:57] So that I can skip that part.

Dan McCoy

[48:59] I would like one that told me whenever someone saw something hot and the soundtrack starts going...

Elliott Kalan

[49:08] And they push their sunglasses down like this to get a better look.

[49:12] That would be pretty good.

[49:12] That's good.

[49:13] Oh, you know what?

[49:14] A changing room montage would be a nice thing.

[49:15] Just movies that tells you where the movie has a changing room montage where someone walks out in an outfit and someone else shakes their head no.

[49:21] Yeah.

[49:22] And they go back in.

[49:22] They walk in a different outfit and they nod their head yes.

Stuart Wellington

[49:24] This would be harder.

[49:25] But any time there's a movie where there's a racist character who is later reformed and like decides that he respects the object of his racism.

Elliott Kalan

[49:33] Well, any time a real estate developer gets pushed into a pool at the end of a movie.

[49:37] Or a bully.

[49:38] It could be.

[49:39] How about every time they use the word and in a movie?

[49:42] Just give me the time code.

[49:43] Every movie.

[49:44] So our fans get on those?

[49:46] We'll call it Mr. Conjunction.

Dan McCoy

[49:48] Anyone good at web design?

[49:49] Just throw those up on the internet.

[49:51] Yeah.

[49:51] And we'll do them.

[49:52] Not.

[49:52] We have jobs.

[49:53] No.

[49:53] I'm telling the fans to do it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:55] Oh, the fans can do it.

[49:55] Sure.

[49:56] The fans are great.

[49:57] We've got a lot of great fans.

[49:58] That reminds me, for new listeners, you might want to catch up, research your Flophouse on the Flophouse wiki, which will probably baffle you more than enlighten you.

[50:04] And there's also the Flophouse Recommends site that tells you what movies we've recommended in the past, both set up by fans, and they've done a great job with them.

Dan McCoy

[50:12] So this letter is titled, Dan's the Funniest One, Jerks.

[50:16] So did you write this?

[50:17] It's from Moses.

Elliott Kalan

[50:18] It's written by Dan something, last name with hell.

[50:21] It's from Mr. Mixel Pitalik, care of backwards world.

Dan McCoy

[50:26] He says, I've been a regular listener for a few months now and enjoyed the show immensely.

[50:30] However, I take issue with the characterization of Dan as the boring one or the Leonardo of the group.

[50:35] The mournful sighing and exasperation aimed at the podcast chaotic breakdowns is comedy gold.

[50:40] It makes the show really.

[50:41] He's a modern day Bob Newhart as seen in the Bob Newhart show.

[50:44] Or Bob Newhart in Newhart.

[50:46] Or Bob Newhart in Elf.

[50:47] It's genius.

[50:49] Go ahead and listen to older episodes.

[50:50] The laughs are provided by McCoy as if he were a laugh fairy sprinkling joy on us all.

[50:55] Now that I've all but guaranteed this letter gets read on the podcast.

[50:57] Yep.

[50:58] You know your audience.

[51:00] I was wondering which 2013 films you anticipate watching for the show.

[51:04] Personally, I fully expect Hansel and Gretel, Rich Hunters to appear sometime this year.

[51:08] Probably.

[51:09] Along with G.I. Joe Retaliation, perhaps.

[51:11] Maybe.

[51:13] So, oh, P.S.

[51:14] This letter was written under the assumption that Dan's character is an intentional portrayal of the typical vanilla leader with a personality so devoid of emotion and humor that it makes a carton of milk look hilarious by comparison.

[51:25] If this is not the case, I'm so sorry.

[51:28] So, I don't like the end of that letter.

[51:30] I like the end of it.

Elliott Kalan

[51:31] It's like a twist like an M. Night Shyamalan letter.

Stuart Wellington

[51:34] He was a monster the whole time.

[51:37] A boring monster.

[51:39] Oh, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[51:40] I mean, it's hard to know ahead of time what the bad movies.

Elliott Kalan

[51:44] Well, there's that Nicholas Sparks movie that people on the Flophouse Facebook page were mentioning.

Dan McCoy

[51:48] Yeah, that's a definite possibility.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] I'm trying to think what, like, really stupid-looking movies are coming out, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment.

[51:57] Stuart, do you think of any?

Stuart Wellington

[51:58] Oh, there was one, though.

[51:59] I can't remember.

[52:01] I'm terrible at those.

Dan McCoy

[52:01] For a while, I felt like The Call might be one of those, but then I hear it's not so bad.

[52:07] I know that there are movies that we are in consideration now to watch in the future that weren't future movies coming out.

[52:16] Like, for instance, hold on to your hats, because I believe a certain gentleman whose name starts with Nicholas and ends with Cage might be returning, and we might watch Nicholas Cage in Stolen.

[52:29] Oh, yeah.

[52:30] You mean Nicholas Cage, as it says in the trailer.

Elliott Kalan

[52:33] Yeah, if you haven't seen the trailer for Stolen, which is like Taken, but with Nicholas Cage and much less of a budget, and also he's a bank robber.

Stuart Wellington

[52:42] Yeah, the...

[52:43] Just like in Taken, where Liam Neeson plays that famous bank robber.

Elliott Kalan

[52:46] Yeah, he plays Clyde Barrow.

[52:48] Because all the money is taken by him.

[52:50] And the poster was like a Jack Davis drawing of a caricature of Liam Neeson with a big sack of money, and the money's flying out as he runs, and all the other characters in the movie are running behind him, shaking their fists.

[53:02] But the official...

Stuart Wellington

[53:02] They try to stop him, but the money's already taken.

Dan McCoy

[53:06] The official trailer for this movie, an actual movie starring...

[53:09] You'll be taken.

[53:10] Starring big Hollywood star Nicholas Cage ends with the...

[53:14] And our favorite.

[53:14] And our favorite ever.

[53:15] Yeah.

[53:16] Our favorite actor ever in history.

[53:17] Ends with the voiceover guy trumpeting the fact that this movie stars Nicholas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[53:22] And it's...

[53:23] I think we've talked about this before, maybe, but it's like someone walked in the room while he was doing it, and they were like, great, one take, done, we're out.

[53:29] I think I could do a better read on that.

Dan McCoy

[53:31] I booked this VO booth for 45 seconds.

[53:33] I think I said Nicholas Cage.

[53:34] We're on golden time, people.

Elliott Kalan

[53:35] All right.

[53:36] So, are there any on the letter stand?

Stuart Wellington

[53:38] What about movie 43?

[53:39] We had to watch that, right?

[53:40] Oh, God in heaven.

Elliott Kalan

[53:41] Godson Himmel.

[53:43] Oh.

[53:45] Don't even suggest.

[53:49] Oh, you ruined my whole day.

[53:52] I finally had That's My Boy behind me.

[53:54] Never got to watch it again.

[53:56] Suddenly, movie 43 rears its hideous head.

Dan McCoy

[54:00] This, yeah, we should move ahead.

[54:02] Dan just said wee-wee.

[54:04] We should move ahead, because we're running a little long.

Elliott Kalan

[54:08] Do you have any short letters that don't involve Crang's boobs?

[54:10] On, like, last episode?

Dan McCoy

[54:12] I'm trying to find a short letter, but I don't have one.

[54:17] Because that was horrifying.

[54:18] At the ready.

[54:19] I'll read this one instead, though.

[54:21] This is titled Love Letter.

[54:24] It's from Matt.

[54:25] Last name withheld.

[54:26] Let's go.

[54:27] He says, gentlemen, the recent letter from your grandma-hating fan who received not one-

[54:32] Oh, that was a while ago.

[54:33] But two copies of The Love Guru got me thinking.

[54:36] Not grandma.

[54:38] What if grandma thought she was getting a Love Guru sequel the second time around?

[54:43] And what would that entail?

[54:44] Would lesser character John Oliver, a.k.a. Dick Pants, take over Mike Myers' role in the sequel?

[54:49] He would certainly return.

[54:50] Steve Carell in Evan Almighty?

[54:52] Having not actually seen The Love Guru, there are only so many plot questions I can ask.

[54:56] So more importantly, what would they call it?

[54:58] They'd have to call it The Love Guru, right?

[55:01] There really isn't a much more stupid name for a sequel to such a stupid movie.

[55:04] But why stop there?

[55:05] Why limit ourselves to one delightful British superstar mash-em-up when we could have Love Actually.

[55:12] And to love it, Love Actual 3.

[55:16] Is that the third movie or the second one?

[55:19] Actual 3?

[55:20] No, that's the third.

Stuart Wellington

[55:22] The second and third were shot back-to-back.

[55:24] It's like Back to the Futures.

Elliott Kalan

[55:26] Okay.

[55:26] Oh, it says to be continued.

[55:27] Yeah.

[55:27] Throw it.

[55:28] So slowly over sequels, the Love Actually name is just being replaced by numbers.

[55:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:33] Throw in the directed DVD follow-up and you've got a Love Quadrilogy.

Elliott Kalan

[55:37] Of course, then 5 Actual 3.

[55:39] See also...

Stuart Wellington

[55:40] And number 6, they bring it back to its roots and it's just Love Actual.

Dan McCoy

[55:45] No comma.

[55:47] See also, New York I Love 2.

[55:49] In the 2'd for Love.

[55:51] And after 29 sequential Ginny McCarthy films, we could finally have 30 Love.

[55:58] Wait.

[55:58] Which would not be...

[56:00] Dirty Love.

[56:00] Oh, Dirty Love.

Stuart Wellington

[56:01] You know that movie with the period in the grocery store?

[56:04] I don't remember that scene.

[56:05] I didn't watch it.

Dan McCoy

[56:05] We could have 30 Love, which would not be a tennis movie for some reason.

[56:08] Sure, it would be.

Elliott Kalan

[56:09] And then 10 years later, we'd have 40 Love.

[56:11] Be like the Michael Aptid Up movies.

Dan McCoy

[56:13] Michael Haneke is an Oscar frontrunner for his film Amor, but does it leave audiences

[56:17] wanting Amor?

[56:18] Or even a 4?

[56:21] Obviously, there'd be a third in there somewhere, so we'd just call it Amor 3 Season of the Witch.

[56:28] Yeah, of course.

[56:29] Of course we would.

[56:30] My real question is, what sequels would you love to see?

[56:33] Matt...

[56:34] Oh, this is from Matt Carman, editor of I Love Bad 2Vs.

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] Oh, I detected Matt Carman's...

[56:39] 2Vs.

[56:41] Ah, Matt Carman, I detected your foul stink when I stepped aboard the space station.

[56:46] Yeah.

[56:46] So, yeah.

[56:47] He doesn't smell bad.

Dan McCoy

[56:48] The other editor of I Love Bad Movies, along with the aforementioned Ksenia of Bonnie and

[56:52] Maude.

[56:52] Yeah.

[56:53] Good folks.

[56:54] Engaged.

[56:55] And he's trying to pimp us into making up puns at a moment's notice.

Elliott Kalan

[56:59] Well, I'll just tell you the sequels I want to look for are ones I've already mentioned

[57:02] on the show before.

[57:03] They would be crossover sequels.

[57:05] For instance, Rocky 7, Rambo 5, starring Sylvester Stallone as both characters.

[57:11] Turns out they're brothers.

[57:12] And Short Circuit 3, Terminator 6.

[57:17] I count the Terminator TV series as the fifth Terminator movie.

Stuart Wellington

[57:19] And RoboCop 0.5, right?

[57:22] Wait, 0.5?

[57:23] So it's a prequel?

[57:24] Yeah, it's kind of a...

[57:25] It's like a half prequel.

[57:26] But he's in there, too.

Elliott Kalan

[57:26] What if it was...

[57:27] Okay, it's a RoboCop Terminator short circuit.

[57:31] And what was that movie about the little kid who was a robot?

[57:35] Not the show Small Wonder, but she's in there, too.

[57:38] No, not Jack.

[57:39] It was a kid who had an aging disease.

[57:40] I, Robot?

[57:41] No, what was it called?

[57:42] I can't remember.

[57:42] It was a little boy who turned out it was a robot.

[57:44] Jack Robot.

[57:45] You know what?

[57:45] I'll just say AI.

[57:46] It wasn't AI.

[57:47] But so it's a Terminator, RoboCop, AI, RoboSapien, Small Wonder.

[57:55] Who am I leading at?

[57:56] Bicentennial.

[57:57] Bicentennial.

[57:57] Look, any robot that's ever been in a movie is going to be in this, and it's going to be

[58:00] called Robots 2.

[58:01] It's the sequel to the movie Robots.

Stuart Wellington

[58:03] The hilarious cast from the Transmorphers movies.

Elliott Kalan

[58:05] Yeah, and the Transformers movies.

[58:07] Hey, guys.

[58:07] Hey.

[58:07] And the Morph Transformers.

[58:08] They're not going to get along with each other.

Dan McCoy

[58:10] Oh, no.

[58:11] Hey, what about Ratatouille and Ratatouille 3?

[58:15] Oh, those are both good.

[58:16] Oh, you're playing, too.

[58:17] I like it.

[58:17] You're playing the game.

[58:18] What about you, Stuart?

[58:20] Wait, what?

Elliott Kalan

[58:22] He was in a Mirror's World the whole time.

Stuart Wellington

[58:25] So, Mirror's 2, that movie doesn't exist yet, right?

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] I assume yours would be Castle Threak.

[58:29] Yeah.

[58:30] The third Castle Threak.

[58:31] You are right.

[58:31] Because it turns out, Head of the Family is the second Castle Threak movie.

[58:35] Head of the Formally would be the fourth one of those.

Dan McCoy

[58:37] Okay, no, that's good.

[58:38] So, we should just quickly get into our movie recommendations.

[58:41] The Invisible Toomeac, right?

[58:44] No.

[58:44] I was going to say The Invisible Maniac 2, Invisible Boogaloo.

[58:47] Yeah, wait.

[58:47] Why wasn't Tomb Raider Tomb Raider?

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] Because that would be stupid.

[58:51] Okay.

[58:52] Because this is a dumb thing.

[58:56] No, but we're...

[58:57] What's weird is for a while, sequels didn't have numbers in them.

[59:00] They just would have a subtitle, and they still do...

Stuart Wellington

[59:04] And they would often have the characters on the poster pointing out the number of fingers

[59:08] that the film is.

Elliott Kalan

[59:09] Yeah, but it's weird that they decided to go back and put the numbers in, but just kind

[59:12] of wedge them into the titles.

[59:13] Just kind of squeeze them in.

Dan McCoy

[59:15] Yeah.

[59:15] But like Sherlock Holmes, for instance, it wasn't called Sherlock Holmes 2, the sequel.

Elliott Kalan

[59:18] Yeah.

[59:18] It was like Sherlock Holmes Book of Shadows or something.

[59:20] Game of Shadows.

[59:22] Yeah.

[59:22] Wait, they found the Book of Shadows?

[59:24] I guess so.

[59:24] Blair Witch is going to be pissed.

Dan McCoy

[59:25] It was like Sherlock Holmes Attack of the Clones or something.

[59:28] Yeah.

[59:28] Sherlock Holmes walks into a room.

[59:30] He's like, some sort of Blair Witch has been here.

[59:33] How do you know that?

Elliott Kalan

[59:34] Sherlock, you just got here.

Dan McCoy

[59:35] Well, that man died in the corner with his hand on the wall.

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] She dropped her business card on the floor.

[59:41] It says Blair Witch.

[59:42] Witch.

[59:43] I guess Witch is her last name.

[59:47] Is that what her first name is Blair?

[59:48] Like Blair on the back of life?

[59:49] Yeah, Blair Witch and she's a witch.

[59:51] And Blair Underwood.

Stuart Wellington

[59:52] Yeah.

[59:52] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[59:53] He's a witch.

[59:54] He's bewitching.

[59:56] Very quickly, because we're running long, this is the part of the show where we make recommendations

[1:00:00] of movies we saw recently that we actually enjoyed.

[1:00:03] Positive.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:03] These are not ironic recommendations.

[1:00:05] These are positive recommendations of movies we enjoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:07] Elliot, why don't you go first for once?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:09] Okay.

[1:00:10] I usually go last or second, but today I'll go first.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:12] So I'm going to go first.

[1:00:13] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:13] What?

[1:00:14] The movie I'm going to recommend is an Italian film from the late 40s.

[1:00:18] I know you love it already.

[1:00:20] Called Riso Amaro, which translates as bitter rice.

[1:00:24] And it is a, it's basically a thriller, but it kind of gets to the thriller part.

[1:00:29] It's a little surprising.

[1:00:30] It's almost like a film noir crossed with a melodrama crossed with a woman in prison film

[1:00:35] crossed with like a neorealist story about labor agitation.

[1:00:40] And basically this woman is on the run from the law and becomes a migrant rice planter.

[1:00:46] Because apparently they have rice fields in Italy, which I didn't realize about.

[1:00:49] And the criminal who she was working with chases after her.

[1:00:55] She gets mixed up with another woman at the rice plantation who is, seems innocent, but

[1:01:00] maybe isn't.

[1:01:01] And there's a lot of like small character work among other characters.

[1:01:05] That's a lot of fun.

[1:01:06] And I really enjoy it a lot.

[1:01:07] It's a movie I DVR'd off Turner Classic Movies on a whim.

[1:01:10] And it turned out to be a lot of fun and really enjoyable.

[1:01:13] So, Bitter Rice.

[1:01:14] Riso Amaro.

[1:01:15] I'd recommend.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:15] Well, you guys are going to make fun of me for this disclaimer.

[1:01:18] But the next movie I'm going to recommend is not like the heartiest recommendation.

[1:01:22] I'm not going to say.

[1:01:22] Let me guess.

[1:01:23] You saw it on a plane?

[1:01:24] No.

[1:01:24] Or while you were asleep?

[1:01:26] I saw it while I was.

[1:01:27] I saw it while I was.

[1:01:27] You saw the first 10 minutes of it.

[1:01:29] I saw it while I was injured and unable to leave the house to do much.

[1:01:33] So, I was watching a lot of Netflix streaming.

[1:01:34] A captive audience.

[1:01:37] Oh, boy.

[1:01:38] But, no.

[1:01:39] It's a movie that benefits from a little bit of low expectation.

[1:01:42] But it was fun, like shaggy comedy.

[1:01:45] I watched Good Old Fashioned Orgy, which has a lot of comedy folks in it.

[1:01:49] It's got Jason Sudeikis, Tyler Labine, Lake Bell, Nick Kroll, Judy Punch, Will Forte.

[1:01:56] Like, it's a.

[1:01:57] Judy Punch is a great name.

[1:01:59] But what I appreciated.

[1:02:00] Because it's like Punch and Judy.

[1:02:02] Thanks.

[1:02:02] In one name.

[1:02:03] Thanks for explaining the joke.

[1:02:05] It's about a bunch of friends who have this house, this vacation house.

[1:02:09] And they're going to lose the vacation house.

[1:02:11] And they're used to having these big blowout parties there.

[1:02:14] And they're like, what, Jason Sudeikis is like, I need a great premise for, like, the last party that we have here.

[1:02:20] And because, like, they're growing sort of, like, older, like, he has this, like, idea, like, this is our last, like, youthful thing.

[1:02:27] What we're going to have is we're going to have a good old-fashioned orgy.

[1:02:31] So, by old-fashioned, does he mean like a Roman orgy?

[1:02:33] I don't know.

[1:02:34] But.

[1:02:35] He didn't actually watch the movie.

[1:02:37] He read about it, though, and it was great.

[1:02:40] What I sort of enjoyed.

[1:02:41] He just looked up old-fashioned.

[1:02:42] He looked up old orgy on Google.

[1:02:44] And this is what came up.

[1:02:45] I told you we were running late and you're dragging it out.

[1:02:48] Hey, you're the boss.

[1:02:48] Keep going.

[1:02:49] What I liked about this movie was that it.

[1:02:53] A lot of these movies where they have this kind of, like, racy premise at the end of the movie.

[1:02:59] They, like, I feel like there's this need to introduce morality into this.

[1:03:03] And they're like, oh, you know what?

[1:03:05] This isn't a good idea.

[1:03:06] We're going to.

[1:03:07] We're not going to do this thing.

[1:03:08] We're going to reinforce, like, the most traditional, like, Hollywood.

[1:03:12] Social norms.

[1:03:12] Yeah.

[1:03:13] And this movie makes a feint in that direction.

[1:03:16] And it's not.

[1:03:17] But it's not spoiling anything to say that they actually go ahead and have the orgy at the end of it.

[1:03:21] And I sort of appreciated that.

[1:03:23] You don't see that in a movie.

[1:03:25] And I.

[1:03:25] I mean.

[1:03:25] I liked that it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:26] You can see it in a movie pretty easily these days.

[1:03:28] The internet is.

[1:03:29] Brings orgy movies to your fingertips.

[1:03:31] I enjoyed.

[1:03:31] And there's a couple of stores on 3rd Avenue.

[1:03:32] I can introduce it here.

[1:03:34] I just like that it did something.

[1:03:35] Just tell them here with me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:36] For a big.

[1:03:38] Say the well man sent you.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:39] Like.

[1:03:40] For a studio film.

[1:03:41] For a studio film.

[1:03:41] Mainstream comedy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:42] I appreciated that it went in that direction.

[1:03:44] So I'm going to reach back into my past recommendations.

[1:03:49] All right.

[1:03:50] Because we're running short on time.

[1:03:51] Sure.

[1:03:51] I actually want to think of something.

[1:03:54] Why would you?

[1:03:55] You could have done it ahead of time.

[1:03:56] Why would you?

[1:03:56] And I'm going to recommend a Flophouse fave.

[1:04:00] Split Second.

[1:04:01] Starring Rutger Hauer.

[1:04:03] Okay.

[1:04:03] Set in the far future.

[1:04:05] Where London is like half flooded.

[1:04:08] So everyone has to walk around in like knee or thigh high water.

[1:04:13] And there's an alien murdering people.

[1:04:15] Or is it not an alien?

[1:04:16] Who knows?

[1:04:17] And Rutger Hauer has a unique weakness.

[1:04:19] And Rutger Hauer has a twist on the typical, you know, detective with skeletons in his closet.

[1:04:28] This time he is a chocoholic.

[1:04:30] And with a figure to match.

[1:04:33] Ouch.

[1:04:34] And Kim Cattrall is naked in it.

[1:04:36] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:37] Yeah, it's great.

[1:04:38] What else do you need?

[1:04:39] There's some gore.

[1:04:40] You got chocoholic problems.

[1:04:42] You got alien killers.

[1:04:43] You got Kim Cattrall.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:44] I would call it the Predator 2 of alien ripoffs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:48] So I don't even know if that's faint praise or what.

[1:04:51] I don't know what kind of description that is.

[1:04:53] Oh man, that's great.

[1:04:53] Okay, so.

[1:04:55] I mean, Predator is an alien ripoff.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:57] I'm recommending Predator 2.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:01] Electric Boogaloo.

[1:05:03] All right, well, this has been a delight, guys.

[1:05:05] It should have been called Predator 2.

[1:05:07] Despite the two hours we spent watching That's My Boy.

[1:05:09] That was not a delight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:10] But hey, I love spending time with you guys.

[1:05:12] And I love spending it with our new listeners and our old listeners.

[1:05:15] Reminds me of a song.

[1:05:16] No, no.

[1:05:16] It feels like it's been forever since I've seen you guys.

[1:05:19] Listening time at the podcast.

[1:05:20] So for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:05:23] Young and old, old and new.

[1:05:26] Oh, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:27] Maybe you.

[1:05:28] Elliot, sign off.

[1:05:29] Oh, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:05:31] Good night, everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:31] For the Flophouse.

[1:05:34] Done.

[1:05:35] Had his testicles outside of his leotard.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:49] And the character was called Dr. Nuts.

[1:05:52] And he was kind of like a crazy guy.

[1:05:54] And he was like a comic relief type.

[1:05:57] But in like a major wrestling match, Dr. Nuts would get killed by somebody.

[1:06:02] Oh, no.

[1:06:03] And then he would come back as like a dark version of him.

[1:06:07] Yeah.

[1:06:07] And nobody would know it's him.

[1:06:08] Like the Undertaker.

[1:06:08] Because he's got a mask.

[1:06:10] And he was then called Wrecking Balls.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:13] So you think, but he would still have his testicles outside of his leotard.

[1:06:16] Yeah, that's how you would know it's actually him.

[1:06:18] Because that's how.

[1:06:19] Because that's how.

[1:06:19] Mysterious wrestler.

[1:06:20] It would be a pretty open secret.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:21] Yeah, the announcers would be like, is that?

[1:06:23] But wait a minute.

[1:06:24] We haven't seen balls like that since.

[1:06:26] But he was killed in the ring.

The Flop House: Episode #123 - That's My Boy

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