The Flop House: Episode #124 - Stolen

Dan McCoy

[0:00] We may watch other movies, baby, but you know we love you best.

[0:03] We discuss Stolen, starring Nicolas Cage.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:36] Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] And I'm Elliot Kalin, in the number three spot, but first in America's Hearts.

[0:43] I don't know if you have any reason about that.

[0:44] The people have spoken. I looked up our Q ratings.

[0:47] Wait, wait. Is there a Floppers Choice Awards that I was unaware of?

[0:51] Stuart checked his phone and he said he'd allow it.

Stuart Wellington

[0:53] Hey, enough goofing around, guys. It's time to make the donuts.

Elliott Kalan

[0:57] Okay, that we'll be doing this podcast.

[0:58] Suddenly you're a cruel taskmaster.

Dan McCoy

[1:01] Welcome back to the Flophouse, a podcast where we watch a movie, perhaps a bad movie, and then we discuss it.

[1:08] Yes.

[1:09] Perhaps, yep.

[1:11] I just don't, I feel bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] You don't want to rush to judgment.

[1:14] Every now and then we throw Seven Samurai in there.

[1:16] Just to throw off the listeners.

[1:18] The seventh samurai.

[1:19] We throw floating weeds in the mix.

[1:21] Yeah, every now and then we just throw a other Japanese movie in there.

[1:27] Dead or Alive 2.

[1:29] That's all, I mean, that is a bad movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32] That's a great movie where they turn into angels and have the montage of killing people and giving money to happy African kids.

Dan McCoy

[1:39] So, this evening we watched a little movie called Stolen.

[1:44] Stolen.

[1:45] Starring Nicolas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:47] Yep, we haven't seen a Nicolas Cage movie in a while, so I'm excited about this one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52] Like three months without a cage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] So, should we explain why we're mispronouncing Nicolas Cage's name?

Dan McCoy

[1:59] Well, I think listeners to the past episode are familiar with this story.

[2:03] That was pre-EW.

[2:03] So, we should, yeah.

[2:05] Or Pew.

[2:06] P-EW.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07] Post-EW.

[2:08] And if somebody is picking this podcast up for the first time, we don't actually want them to get the joke, right?

[2:12] Exactly.

[2:12] No, yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:13] It's all about forcing people out and making them not enjoy it by feeling they're not cool enough to get these inside jokes.

Stuart Wellington

[2:19] So, buckle on your headphones, folks.

[2:22] We're going to talk about this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] It's going to be a bumpy here.

[2:27] So, we should explain that.

[2:29] This movie Stolen, we saw the trailer last year, and it looked fantastic.

[2:34] And it's a Nicolas Cage film that, for some reason, in the trailer, the voiceover guy, who has a perfectly normal voice, announces the name of the star as Nicolas Cage.

[2:46] He, like, throws an extra syllable in there.

Dan McCoy

[2:49] Yeah, and otherwise semi-professionally, I would say, produced trailer.

Elliott Kalan

[2:54] Not the most slick trailer.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] It could have easily been a directed-to-DVD film.

[3:00] Did we ever resolve that?

Elliott Kalan

[3:02] According to Wikipedia, it was released in the theaters.

[3:05] This is a movie that, in America, made a little bit over $300,000.

[3:09] Hot dog!

[3:10] And worldwide box office gross was a little over $2 million.

[3:14] Okay, so it's probably on top, right?

[3:16] No, it's a budget of $35 million.

[3:18] Oh, holy cow.

[3:19] Which is still very cheap for this type of movie.

[3:21] I mean, this is a Nicolas Cage action thriller.

[3:24] Mm-hmm.

[3:24] And...

[3:25] Danny Houston doesn't come cheap.

[3:26] No, Danny...

[3:27] All those hats he wears.

[3:29] Malin Ackerman.

[3:30] Very expensive.

[3:31] Mm-hmm.

[3:32] They shot it in New Orleans.

Dan McCoy

[3:34] So, you know, that's expensive.

[3:35] The big easy.

[3:36] Home of 12 rounds, as I believe they renamed it.

[3:39] They renamed it.

[3:40] Yep.

[3:41] They renamed the city Home of 12 rounds.

[3:42] Yep.

[3:43] When they gave the key to the city to John Santa.

[3:45] Yeah, and then he bent it in half.

[3:47] And then he ate it.

[3:48] He thought there was chocolate inside.

[3:49] He didn't care.

Elliott Kalan

[3:50] He just thought it was something.

[3:51] He just eats...

[3:52] He just ingests matter.

[3:55] And it becomes muscle.

[3:56] He's matter-eater man, is what you're saying.

[3:57] Yeah.

[3:58] So, this is a movie that...

[4:00] So, this is a movie that doesn't...

[4:01] It's a movie.

[4:02] It doesn't look expensive.

[4:03] It's a suspense thriller.

[4:04] It doesn't look like a movie that...

[4:06] $35 million all on the screen, right?

[4:08] It's kind of all up there.

[4:10] But I will say that...

[4:10] But it doesn't look bad.

Dan McCoy

[4:11] Yeah, it looks more expensive than movies that we've seen that cost a lot more.

[4:16] More expensive than Nicolas Cage movies we've seen.

[4:17] That's My Boy last week, which was a $70 million movie, where you saw none of the money on screen.

Elliott Kalan

[4:23] Yeah, not once did they do a shot of just like a big pile of money.

[4:26] I mean, this was a competently directed...

Dan McCoy

[4:27] Never saw it on screen.

[4:28] This was a competently directed action film from Simon West, who you may know as the director of Tomb Raider, and more recently The Mechanic.

[4:40] The brother of Simon East.

[4:41] And probably Gone in 60 Seconds, right?

[4:43] No, he didn't do that, but he's best enjoyed, I think, for Con Air.

Elliott Kalan

[4:47] Oh, right, right, right, right.

[4:49] Which is a very enjoyable, stupid movie, in which the audience is supposed to cheer for a child killer being on the loose at the end.

[4:57] When Steve Buscemi is not only on the loose, has money in his pocket, and a crowd of people around cheering him.

[5:05] This is a character who throughout has been treated as the worst murderer in the world.

[5:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:09] But to the audience, it's like, yeah, our cute buddy.

[5:12] A friend, Mr. Pink.

Elliott Kalan

[5:14] It's back in the game.

[5:16] I thought he was all chopped up in that wood chipper, but nope, he's okay on the Con Air.

[5:21] All the same character.

[5:22] I tried to book a flight on Con Air, and it was much more expensive than I thought it would be.

[5:27] Only movie they show?

[5:29] The Rock.

[5:30] Weird.

[5:30] So weird, yeah.

[5:32] But they show the version that stars The Rock, where he plays all the parts.

[5:36] Oh, okay.

[5:37] And he just performed it in his basement.

[5:38] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:40] Should we talk about what this movie was about?

[5:41] I guess.

[5:42] So, Nicolas Cage plays the best bank robber in the world.

[5:46] Of course he is, he's Nicolas Cage.

[5:47] Yeah.

[5:48] And in the beginning, he and his gang, made up of Malin Ackerman.

[5:52] She's the hottie.

[5:53] Who else was in it?

[5:54] Josh Lucas.

[5:55] MC Ganey.

[5:56] MC Ganey was the body.

[5:57] MC Ganey.

Dan McCoy

[5:57] Who you know as Mr. Friendly from Lost.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] Or you know him from...

[6:01] Swamp Thing from Con Air.

[6:03] Wait, what?

[6:04] That was his character's name, and he was the pilot.

[6:05] And he was in another Flophouse movie.

[6:08] Yeah, you told me earlier, and I've already forgotten it.

[6:10] I forgot it, too.

[6:12] And do you make...

[6:12] Oh, like 10,000 BC or something.

[6:13] Oh, wait.

[6:13] He played one of the Mannix.

[6:14] No, he's Wild Hogs.

[6:15] Wild Hogs, he was like a biker or something, or maybe a sheriff.

[6:18] He's a guy who looks like a biker.

[6:19] And he's also a rapper, MC Ganey.

[6:23] Master of Ceremonies, Ganey.

[6:25] Now, so they have a bank robbing crew.

[6:28] They're the best bank robbers, and they're in New Orleans, which is how you say New Orleans,

[6:32] if you're in New Orleans.

[6:34] So they're in Yenmalins, and they're going to rob, it looks like...

[6:38] A bank!

[6:41] It looks like they're going to rob the Gagallins Diamond Exchange.

[6:45] And there's all these FBI agents around, led by Danny Houston, who is not yet wearing

[6:49] a hat.

[6:50] He is hatless.

[6:51] He is hatless.

[6:51] The subject is hatless.

[6:53] I repeat.

[6:54] Okay, don't engage until he puts a hat on.

[6:56] Watch him.

[6:56] Move, move, move!

[6:58] Is he putting a hat on?

[6:59] No, no, he's just scratching his head.

[7:00] Okay, hold back, hold back.

[7:02] So it looks like they're about to rob a diamond exchange, which involves drilling through

[7:06] a toy store wall, and going into the diamond building.

[7:13] That sounds right.

[7:14] The FBI rushes in.

[7:16] They were double-hatched, double-crossed.

[7:18] Wait.

[7:18] They're not robbing the diamond exchange.

[7:20] They're robbing the bank.

[7:21] Ah!

[7:22] They break through a safe.

[7:24] They rob it of $10 million in cash bucks, wrapped in plastic.

[7:28] And unfortunately, Nicolas Cage and, what's his name?

[7:32] Lucas.

[7:32] Josh Lucas.

[7:33] Josh Lucas.

[7:33] They're leaving the bank.

[7:35] But before they leave...

[7:35] Who looks like a normal guy at this point in the movie?

[7:37] He looks like a handsome, blonde man.

Dan McCoy

[7:39] And Josh Lucas is very sad to leave behind a bunch of gold.

[7:43] Of course.

[7:43] Yes.

[7:43] He's looking at it.

[7:44] There's big piles of gold.

[7:46] It's worth zero.

[7:48] Like, I could sell this gold to William Devane for big bucks, but they've got to leave

[7:51] it behind.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] If anyone's watching news channel networks during the day, you'll get that joke.

[7:56] But he says, I love shiny things, and gold is the shiniest!

[8:00] Yeah.

[8:00] And Nicolas goes, hey, we've got $10 million right here.

[8:03] Let's just go, okay?

[8:05] And they're rushing out of the bank, and a janitor or somebody sees them.

[8:09] It's like, hey!

[8:09] Hey, where are you guys going?

[8:11] Where are you running with that bag full of money?

[8:13] And Josh Lucas hits that guy and is about to shoot him.

[8:17] And Nicolas Cage is like, we're not killers, okay?

[8:18] Don't kill him!

[8:19] And they fight.

[8:20] They're literally...

[8:21] The people in the getaway van can see them down an alley.

[8:24] They get in a fight, and in the middle of it, Nicolas Cage shoots Josh Lucas in the

[8:28] knee to get him to stop.

[8:30] He throws him in the van.

Dan McCoy

[8:31] Again, I'm not in support of that.

[8:33] Any sort of knee injury.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] And this is...

[8:35] It's like we watch movies in a row guaranteed to infuriate Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[8:39] It's like every time a bad guy in a movie gets hit in the crotch, I'm like, hey, come

[8:43] on.

[8:44] That's smart.

[8:44] Because you're a giant penis.

[8:45] Yeah, like at the end of the Power Rangers movie when they knee the giant monster in the

[8:50] balls.

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] Giant penis monster.

[8:53] I would be lying if I said I had seen the Power Rangers movie.

[8:56] Okay, well, continue.

[8:58] Or like whenever a guy gets his foot stepped on in a movie, and I'm like, all right, okay.

[9:03] Foot stuff.

[9:04] Foot stuff.

[9:05] You're into foot blood?

[9:06] Not really, but it's a popular fetish.

[9:09] I thought I'd jump on the foot fetish bandwagon.

[9:12] I was actually...

[9:12] Sure, you want to try it out.

[9:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:13] I was actually talking about this today, how I'm disturbed that if you put any actress's

[9:18] name into Google, immediately feet will pop up behind it.

[9:23] Which is apparently like, foot fetishism is much larger than I expected, because that is

[9:28] the number one result.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] You know what's even larger than foot fetishism?

[9:31] What?

[9:32] Big foot fetishism.

[9:33] What?

[9:33] Bigger feet, bigger fetish.

[9:36] Look at the size of those footprints.

[9:38] For some guys, that's like an enormous boob print.

[9:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:44] Anyway.

[9:44] There's a guy somewhere masturbating with the idea of Bigfoot and some Manola Blahnik.

[9:49] He's just masturbating to Harry and the Hendersons.

Elliott Kalan

[9:51] Yeah.

[9:51] There's a guy who has cut out pictures of shoes from a magazine, and he watches Harry and the

[9:55] Hendersons and holds it up to the TV screen.

[9:57] Yeah.

[9:58] Oh, yeah.

[9:58] That's the stuff.

[10:00] Oh, yeah.

[10:00] Old Man of the Forest.

[10:02] Those pumps look pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[10:04] You got the biggest feet.

[10:06] The biggest feet.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Anyway, so...

[10:09] So, we're going to talk about the movie some more.

[10:11] What's going on?

[10:12] So, we're about five minutes into the movie, too.

[10:15] Nicholas Cage can't get on the Gettowy van, so he gets into a police car.

[10:19] He beats up a police officer and gets into his car and takes the...

[10:22] A little bit of parkour.

[10:23] Takes the police on a high-speed car chase.

[10:25] A surprisingly exciting chase, I would say.

[10:26] It's a pretty good car chase through a parking garage and all that, but finally, he gets

[10:31] caught, and they say, come out with the money, and he's got a duffel bag with $10 million

[10:36] wrapped in plastic, and he's in a building with a barrel fire that some homeless people

[10:40] were warming their hands around.

[10:41] Yeah, because hobos love barrel fires.

[10:43] And because it gets so cold at night in New Orleans, known for its rough, cold nights,

[10:49] New Orleans, he throws...

[10:52] He's been there putting some crawdads in that barrel fire.

[10:54] He's cooking up a catfish.

[10:56] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[10:59] Have some gumbo.

[11:02] So he and Nicolas Cage walks out with the money and says, I threw the money in the fire.

[11:07] I threw it in the fire.

[11:08] He's got...

[11:08] They've got...

[11:09] No evidence.

[11:10] No evidence.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] Well, he doesn't tell them that at that time, but that's what he does.

[11:13] Burn with the heat of a thousand suns.

[11:14] And he gets...

[11:15] No, just fire.

[11:16] He gets a...

[11:17] He gets a reduced sentence because they can't find the evidence.

[11:20] Yeah.

[11:20] Even though there's no way that $10 million in bills wrapped in plastic is going to burn

[11:26] up in one of those barrels so they're not going to figure out what happened.

Elliott Kalan

[11:29] I don't know.

[11:29] Maybe it was like, you know, an atomic barrel.

[11:32] Okay.

[11:33] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[11:33] Well, I'll accept it.

[11:34] I'll accept it for the purposes of stolen.

Elliott Kalan

[11:36] For the purposes of stolen, that barrel has atomic fission technology.

Dan McCoy

[11:40] For the purposes of stolen, that barrel shines as bright as the sun.

[11:43] Yeah, exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[11:44] Just like Nicolas Cage's smile.

[11:46] Cut.

Elliott Kalan

[11:47] Yep.

[11:47] It is brighter than the sun that Cage smiled.

[11:49] Cut to eight years later.

[11:51] Nick Cage is getting out of jail as a free man.

[11:54] First stop is at a newsstand to buy a ratty blue teddy bear for his now grown daughter.

[11:59] Semi-grown.

[12:00] She's like 15.

[12:01] Yeah, sure.

[12:02] And then he gets picked up by...

[12:04] Take a perfect number two over here.

Dan McCoy

[12:05] Yeah, exactly.

[12:06] Grown at 15.

[12:07] Huh?

[12:08] Huh?

Elliott Kalan

[12:09] Let's continue.

[12:10] I'm just trying to get this started.

[12:11] That's all.

[12:11] No, it's not working.

[12:12] It doesn't stick.

[12:13] I'm the guy with the Bigfoot fetish, okay?

[12:15] Okay.

[12:16] So, and he gets picked up by the FBI, by Danny Houston, who is now wearing a hat.

[12:22] You know what?

[12:23] A pork pie hat.

[12:24] A pork pie hat, because that's what cops wear when they reach a certain age.

Stuart Wellington

[12:27] Yeah, in the intervening eight years, he got way into wearing a hat.

[12:30] Can you blame him?

Dan McCoy

[12:31] He looks great on him.

[12:32] No, of course.

[12:33] He's starring in Police Detectives of a Certain Age.

[12:36] And he wears a pork pie hat.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] Him, Ed O'Neill, and some other guy who played a cop at some point.

Dan McCoy

[12:43] We just recycle Andre Brower.

[12:46] Andre?

[12:47] Andre.

[12:47] Andre Brower?

[12:49] And-dre Brower.

[12:51] And-ray Brower.

Elliott Kalan

[12:52] That's Andre Brower's when he got the sex change.

[12:55] Oh, and-re-andre.

[12:57] Yeah.

[12:57] Anyway, so, it's eight years later.

[13:00] There's a hat.

[13:01] I think we got the hat down.

[13:02] They drop him off at his daughter's house.

[13:04] We never see the daughter's mother, so I guess she's just a 15-year-old who lives on her own.

[13:08] She's gotta be beautiful.

[13:10] And her daughter-it doesn't go well, his first meeting with his daughter.

[13:14] He gives her the teddy bear.

[13:15] She's a little old for her.

Stuart Wellington

[13:16] Takes the teddy bear initially, though.

Elliott Kalan

[13:18] Takes it initially to make him feel better, but the conversation does not go well.

[13:21] He tries to explain that it's not his fault he became a criminal.

[13:24] Doesn't go over.

[13:25] She leaves to go to her shrinks appointment, because apparently she has abandonment issues.

Stuart Wellington

[13:30] Mm-hmm.

[13:30] If you couldn't tell that from her pixie cut.

Elliott Kalan

[13:32] But unfortunately-

[13:33] I don't know what that means.

[13:34] What?

[13:35] Unfortunately, she gets into the wrong taxi cab, as we'll find out in a second.

[13:39] Then, Nicolas Cage goes to visit his old pal, Malian Ackerman, who's now a bartender.

[13:42] Mm-hmm.

[13:43] And, uh-

Stuart Wellington

[13:44] Eight years looks great.

[13:46] Yeah.

[13:46] Has not aged a day.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] Nobody in the movie has aged a day, except for Nicolas Cage's daughter, I assume.

Dan McCoy

[13:51] And, uh, the movie attempts to hang a lantern on that by having Nicolas Cage say, you're aging younger, but still.

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] Eight years later, and you're still- and you look younger than you did before.

Dan McCoy

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:01] No dice movie.

[14:02] We get what you're selling.

[14:04] We're not buying.

Stuart Wellington

[14:05] I mean, MC Ganey looks like, what, 95 years old at this point?

Elliott Kalan

[14:09] Yeah.

[14:10] And, uh, so, but he also-

[14:11] MC Scat Ganey.

[14:14] Remember what he did?

[14:15] The German porn version.

[14:17] Yikes.

[14:17] Of MC Ganey.

[14:18] Raps.

[14:18] You really, you really are not doing a great job of keeping this Purvisoid title off of you.

[14:25] All right, well-

[14:26] I was talking about Bigfoot porn earlier, and now you seem like the pervert.

[14:30] Anyway, so we're barely into this movie.

[14:33] Uh, so he got a package, and it starts ringing while he's talking to Malian Ackerman.

[14:38] Opens it up, it's a phone from an unknown caller.

[14:41] Oh, that's weird.

[14:42] He picks it up-

[14:43] That's because this movie's called Unknown, right?

[14:45] No, it's not.

[14:46] It's called Stolen.

[14:47] Now-

[14:47] Did he steal the phone?

[14:48] I don't get it.

[14:49] No, he's gonna steal some other- he stole $10 million.

[14:51] He's gonna steal some other stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[14:52] But wait, I thought he burned it, so he didn't really steal it.

Elliott Kalan

[14:54] No, you can still steal something even if it's destroyed.

[14:56] Okay, continue.

[14:57] Now, she told him that Josh Lucas has died, and that MC Ganey is just an old man now.

[15:03] He gets a phone call on this new, brand new phone.

[15:07] It's his old bank-robbing partner, Josh Lucas.

[15:11] Uh-oh.

[15:12] A ghost from beyond the grave?

[15:13] No, you'd think.

[15:15] Yeah.

[15:15] But actually, he's become a horrid, gross shell of himself.

[15:18] A golem of a man.

[15:20] And I don't mean golem, the good kind of golem.

[15:22] I mean the bad kind of golem.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] Somehow, in the intervening years, he's grown long, ratty blonde hair.

Elliott Kalan

[15:28] I mean, in eight years, I believe he can grow long, ratty blonde hair.

[15:32] Ratty blonde hair.

Dan McCoy

[15:33] Yeah, it looks like the wig that Jeff Daniels was wearing in Dumb and Dumber.

[15:37] And he's got yellowed teeth.

[15:39] And then also...

[15:40] Impossible.

[15:40] He's lost his leg, the one that he got shot in.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] His left, the lower half of his left leg.

[15:46] And now has...

Dan McCoy

[15:47] He has one of those Blade Runner style spring legs.

Stuart Wellington

[15:50] Yeah, the kind of thing that like a robo pirate.

[15:52] The Ruger Hauer from Blade Runner wears.

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] No, the fucking...

[15:55] The guy killed his girlfriend.

[15:56] That Oscar Pistorius, who allegedly killed his girlfriend.

[15:59] Allegedly, thank you.

[16:00] Until proven guilty, which he will be, allegedly.

Dan McCoy

[16:03] Thank you for not getting the Flop House suit, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] And thank you for being a friend.

[16:07] Travel down the road and back again.

[16:09] Your hearts are true.

[16:10] Your pals and confidants.

[16:12] You know, if you two threw a party together for some reason,

[16:15] invited everyone you knew,

[16:17] I think you'd see the biggest gift,

[16:19] maybe in monetary value, not in size,

[16:20] because what I'm going to give you a giant teddy bear or something,

[16:22] would be from me.

[16:23] And the card attached would say,

[16:25] thank you for being a friend.

[16:27] Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[16:29] Now we're going to get sued for another reason.

[16:32] So...

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] So wait, it says, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Elliott Kalan

[16:35] Well, I wrote out the music.

[16:37] So it's his old, supposedly dead, criminal buddy,

[16:41] who's now got a mean mat on.

[16:43] Looks like a crazy old voodoo master now.

[16:45] He looks like a gross...

[16:46] Like a fucking oongod.

[16:47] A gross kind of rat wizard of a man.

Dan McCoy

[16:51] He crawled out of hell to take his revenge.

Elliott Kalan

[16:54] I mean, that would be interesting.

[16:55] It turns out he didn't do that.

[16:56] It turns out he faked his own death,

[16:57] partly by chopping off half of three of his fingers.

[17:00] So he's an onion knight, if you will.

[17:03] Gross, gross.

[17:04] Yeah.

[17:05] And he has...

[17:05] I won't, by the way.

[17:06] You won't?

[17:08] Don't associate that thing with this other thing.

[17:10] With Sir Davos?

[17:11] He didn't carry his fingers around with him in a pouch.

[17:13] I mean, come on.

[17:14] Oh, no, he didn't.

[17:14] He used them to fake his own death in a pouch.

[17:17] Now, he...

[17:18] Uh-oh.

[17:19] He's a taxi driver now.

[17:20] He picked up Nicolas Cage's daughter in his taxi,

[17:22] and now...

[17:23] His daughter?

[17:23] Nicolas Cage's daughter.

[17:24] I'm sorry.

[17:25] Nicolas Cage's daughter...

[17:26] Thank you.

[17:27] ...in his taxi.

[17:30] And he says to him,

[17:32] I want that $10 million,

[17:34] or else your daughter's dead.

[17:35] I'll give you 12 hours.

[17:36] And Nicolas Cage is like,

[17:38] but I burned that money.

[17:39] I burned it.

[17:40] He's like, yeah, sure you did.

[17:42] I don't believe you.

[17:43] My leg doesn't believe you.

Stuart Wellington

[17:44] The audience doesn't believe that happened.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] Give it to me in 12 hours.

[17:47] I'm going to spend that time

[17:48] just driving the streets of New Orleans.

[17:51] During Mardi Gras.

[17:52] During Mardi Gras.

[17:53] Fat Tuesday.

[17:54] And with your daughter in my trunk,

[17:56] and get me the money,

[17:58] or you're...

[17:59] She's dead.

Dan McCoy

[18:00] By the way,

[18:00] he did put a bunch of

[18:01] glow-in-the-dark stars in the trunk

[18:03] to make it more homey for her

[18:04] as he drove around.

[18:05] So that was a nice move.

Elliott Kalan

[18:06] There are a couple little touches

[18:07] in the movie,

[18:08] like Danny Houston's hat,

[18:10] and the little glow-in-the-dark stars

[18:11] he puts in the trunk.

[18:12] They made the...

Stuart Wellington

[18:13] I like that they made the bad guy

[18:14] look like a weird ratty monster.

[18:17] I mean, he just looks like...

[18:17] You like weird ratty monsters in general.

[18:19] Yeah, in general.

[18:20] Like you're castle freaks.

[18:21] Yeah, you're snake mans.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] He is kind of what I imagine

[18:24] the Judas Priest song

[18:25] Nightcrawler to be about.

[18:26] That's the guy who crawls into the town

[18:28] in the middle of the night

[18:29] to feast on flesh and blood.

[18:31] Or he's just like a ratty taxi driver, too.

[18:35] So Nicolas Cage is at a loss.

[18:38] He's got to find this money

[18:40] that doesn't exist.

[18:42] But what he really has to do

[18:43] is find his old partner

[18:44] so he can get his daughter back.

[18:46] One last heist, sure.

[18:47] Yeah, well,

[18:48] but not one last heist yet.

[18:49] First he...

[18:49] He's going to heist his daughter

Stuart Wellington

[18:51] back from this jerk.

Elliott Kalan

[18:52] Yeah, it's called Daughter Heist.

[18:55] One man has to steal one daughter.

[18:58] This movie could be called

[18:59] Catch That Cab, Catch That Cash,

[19:01] or Catch That Kid,

[19:03] or Catch That Cage.

[19:07] So he tries to get the FBI's help.

[19:09] They don't believe him.

[19:10] Sure, your dead buddy is around,

[19:12] and that's why you want our help,

[19:14] and you...

[19:14] They don't believe him.

[19:15] That's why you're violating your parole.

Dan McCoy

[19:17] Sure, you burned all that money,

[19:19] even though we couldn't find any of it.

[19:20] Whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[19:21] Tell it to my hat.

[19:23] Do you believe him?

[19:24] No, I don't.

[19:25] My hat doesn't believe you.

[19:27] So he can't get their help.

[19:29] He breaks some laws

[19:30] to get some information.

[19:31] He tracks down their old friend,

[19:32] M.C. Ganey.

[19:33] M.C. Ganey,

[19:34] he knows what's going on,

[19:35] but he doesn't want to help him.

[19:36] He's mad that he burned that money, too.

Stuart Wellington

[19:39] And he's mad that he made him

[19:39] drop his lunch.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] He had a big paper sack

[19:43] with his lunch in it.

[19:44] Nicolas Cage made him drop it

[19:45] for some reason.

[19:47] And I wish that when it fell,

[19:48] it made a squawk,

[19:49] like a really cartoony squish sound,

[19:52] or even like a boing,

[19:53] but it doesn't.

[19:54] Oh, that was full of chili.

[19:57] Just in a bag.

[19:58] Just in a bag.

[19:58] Just in a bag of chili.

[19:59] Just dripping through this paper bag.

[20:02] But the police, the FBI, come in.

[20:04] There's a fight out.

Stuart Wellington

[20:04] By the way,

[20:05] a bag of chili is now copyright.

[20:07] Flophouse,

[20:07] any attempt to make a restaurant

[20:09] based on a bag of chili,

[20:11] you owe us money.

Elliott Kalan

[20:12] Flophouse brand,

[20:13] bag of chili.

[20:14] From the makers of

[20:15] bag of coleslaw.

[20:16] It's a garbage bag

[20:17] full of coleslaw.

[20:18] Stick your hand in it.

[20:19] Pull some out.

[20:20] Eat it.

Stuart Wellington

[20:22] Wow, we didn't even

[20:23] really try on that slogan.

[20:25] No.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] It's more user instructions.

[20:29] We could have made that sound

[20:30] more appetizing.

[20:30] Maybe with a diagram

[20:31] for a poster.

Dan McCoy

[20:34] I think I see the problem

[20:35] in why our coleslaw business

[20:36] didn't take off.

Elliott Kalan

[20:37] Well, also the mascot is

[20:39] Garby the garbage bag.

[20:40] Not appealing or appetizing.

[20:45] Stick your face in me.

Stuart Wellington

[20:48] Celebrity endorsement by MC Ganey.

Elliott Kalan

[20:51] Come on down to bag of coleslaw.

[20:54] It's full of mayonnaise-y goodness.

[20:57] So, they have a big fight.

[20:59] In the shootout,

[20:59] MC Ganey gets killed.

[21:01] Nicolas Cage goes on the run

[21:02] and the police are just

[21:03] shooting guns at him.

[21:04] They're just firing

[21:05] semi-automatic weapons at him.

Stuart Wellington

[21:06] That SWAT team guy

[21:07] just makes a jumping,

[21:08] shooting machine gun motion.

Elliott Kalan

[21:09] And at this point,

[21:10] his crimes are

[21:11] breaking his parole

[21:12] and accessing FBI files

[21:14] and they're just firing

[21:15] semi-automatic weapons at him.

[21:17] There's like apartments

Dan McCoy

[21:17] all around.

[21:18] This is like a residential area.

[21:19] They're just shooting up.

[21:20] Oh, it's New Orleans.

[21:21] It's in bad shape.

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] After John Cena got through.

[21:24] They're still recovering

[21:26] from the damage done

[21:26] by 12 rounds.

[21:27] Hurricane Cena.

[21:30] Nicolas Cage is on the run.

[21:31] Fine.

[21:31] He's going to do this by himself.

[21:33] He's going to track down

[21:34] his old partner.

[21:35] He almost does it.

[21:36] He takes a cab driver hostage,

[21:39] uses the radio

[21:40] to track down

[21:40] his old partner's cab.

[21:42] There's a lot of car chasing.

[21:45] The partner almost gets caught

[21:46] by a cop

[21:46] because the girl

[21:48] in the trunk

[21:48] has broken

[21:49] one of the brake lights,

[21:51] one of the taillights

[21:52] and tries to escape.

[21:54] She almost breaks through

[21:55] and gets a phone

[21:55] left by an Australian passenger

[21:57] that Josh Lucas

[21:58] beats the shit out of.

[22:00] There's a lot of...

Dan McCoy

[22:01] A really unappealing

[22:02] Australian guy.

[22:03] You're kind of happy

[22:03] to see him get beat up.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] He's just a tourist

[22:05] there to get laid.

[22:06] He's just looking for Sheila's.

[22:07] He's talking about Sheila's,

[22:08] billabongs,

[22:09] some room eat,

[22:10] all sorts of stuff.

[22:13] Wombats and what have you.

[22:14] The dingo eat his baby.

[22:15] He has some sympathy.

[22:16] So anyway,

[22:17] Nicolas Cage,

[22:19] I'm just going to cut it

[22:19] as quick as I can

[22:21] because it's actually

[22:22] not bad.

[22:24] There's a lot of little incidents

[22:25] and things like that.

[22:26] Finally,

[22:27] he can't track...

[22:28] He's been double tricked again

[22:29] and he can't find the taxi cab.

Dan McCoy

[22:31] The taxi guy switched out

[22:33] his GPS with another taxi

[22:35] so there's no way

[22:37] of tracking this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[22:37] No way.

[22:38] He's just going to have to

[22:38] meet him at the rendezvous spot

[22:40] in abandoned amusement park

[22:41] with money in hand.

[22:43] But he doesn't have the money.

[22:44] But what does this guy

[22:45] love more than money?

[22:46] G-O-L-D.

[22:49] Gold.

Dan McCoy

[22:50] He only loves gold.

[22:52] He loves only gold.

Elliott Kalan

[22:53] So it sounds like

[22:53] Nicolas Cage

[22:54] is going to have to

[22:55] steal himself some gold.

[22:57] He takes Malene Ackerman in.

[22:59] She doesn't say

[23:00] just when I thought

[23:01] I was done

[23:01] or something like that

[23:02] but she should.

[23:03] I'm getting too old

[23:04] for this shit

[23:04] even though I haven't

[23:05] aged in eight years

[23:06] but she doesn't say that.

[23:07] But they have

[23:08] kind of an interesting plan

[23:09] to get the gold.

[23:10] They're going to go

[23:11] beneath the floor

[23:12] of the gold vault,

[23:13] melt through it,

[23:15] and then melt the gold

[23:16] and it's going to

[23:17] fall into sewer water

[23:18] and cool in big lumps

[23:19] that look like gold poop.

[23:21] And they'll just put that

[23:22] in a duffel bag

[23:23] and carry it around.

Dan McCoy

[23:24] It looks like gold poop

[23:24] or rocks that have been

[23:26] spray painted gold.

[23:27] Either one.

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] Have you ever seen gold?

[23:28] It looks like rocks

[23:29] that have been spray painted gold.

[23:30] That's fair enough.

[23:31] Fair enough.

[23:32] And it looks like dragon poop

[23:33] basically.

[23:36] So they got this bag

[23:37] full of dragon poop.

[23:38] The police are chasing after them.

[23:40] They narrowly escape the police

[23:41] by switching trucks.

[23:43] And there's some more,

[23:45] there's a bunch of good

[23:45] car flip stunts

[23:46] throughout the movie actually.

[23:48] All about flipping cars with you.

[23:50] Yeah, I just love

[23:51] car flipping movies.

[23:53] I'm always disappointed

[23:54] when I watch Flip This House

[23:55] because the house

[23:55] never actually flips over.

[23:57] It's like,

[23:58] hello, the title promised it.

Stuart Wellington

[24:00] There's no springs,

[24:01] no kind of a trebuchet.

[24:02] Nothing like a big lever.

Dan McCoy

[24:04] Nothing.

[24:04] That show Flip This Pancake

[24:06] is a little better.

[24:07] A little better.

[24:08] But it's not that exciting

[24:09] to see a pancake flip.

Elliott Kalan

[24:09] No, it's not that stimulating.

[24:12] I mean, I could do that at home.

[24:14] Sure.

[24:14] And I do.

[24:16] That's your fetish.

[24:19] he has pancake flipping.

[24:21] The motion of a pancake

[24:22] flipping midair.

[24:23] Oh, that's a real nice flip.

[24:25] The other side's

[24:26] getting all toasted now.

[24:28] Oh, you evenly distribute the heat

[24:30] on both sides.

[24:32] Put chocolate chips in there.

[24:33] Later on, you're going

[24:34] in my belly.

Dan McCoy

[24:36] Anyway.

[24:36] Creepy.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] Anyway,

[24:40] anyway,

[24:41] they meet at the

[24:41] abandoned amusement park.

[24:42] Okay.

[24:43] Nicolas Cage finally confronts

[24:44] Big fight.

[24:45] Josh Lucas face to face,

[24:47] leg to stump.

[24:49] Mm-hmm.

[24:49] And they have a big fight.

Dan McCoy

[24:51] Which is much crazier

[24:53] than you would expect.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] Nicolas Cage gets shot

[24:55] in the gut,

[24:55] and then Josh Lucas

[24:56] just jams his fingers

[24:57] into Nicolas Cage's

[24:58] bullet hole.

[24:59] Meanwhile...

Stuart Wellington

[25:00] It's not crazy,

[25:00] because it's not like

[25:01] a real good fight.

[25:02] It's just really kind of

[25:03] gross and brutal.

[25:05] It's more brutal

[25:05] than you expect

Dan McCoy

[25:06] at the end of a silly movie.

[25:08] Because meanwhile,

[25:09] also,

[25:09] Nicolas Cage's daughter

[25:10] is locked in the trunk

[25:11] of the car.

[25:12] And Josh Lucas

[25:13] has poured gas all over

[25:14] and set it on fire.

[25:16] With a road flare.

[25:17] And like Nicolas Cage's

[25:18] arm gets in the fire.

Elliott Kalan

[25:20] He pushes Josh Lucas's

[25:21] face into the fire.

[25:23] And then he gets in the cab,

[25:24] drives it into the river,

[25:26] and then is about

[25:27] trying to let her

[25:28] out of the trunk.

[25:28] He's trying to let her

[25:29] out of the trunk.

Dan McCoy

[25:29] Which, by the way,

[25:30] I don't know what his...

[25:31] I understand the first

[25:32] step of his plan,

[25:33] which was put out

[25:34] this car fire.

[25:36] Priority one.

[25:36] Step number two is

[25:37] get my daughter

[25:39] out of the trunk

[25:40] of this locked car

[25:41] before she drowns.

[25:42] And he doesn't have the keys.

[25:44] I don't know exactly

[25:44] what his thought was.

[25:45] No, the key is still

[25:45] in the trunk.

[25:47] But he can't open it.

[25:48] Like, he's not, like...

[25:50] He's been shot in the stomach.

[25:52] Turning the key

[25:53] at any point.

[25:53] He just seems like

[25:54] he's trying to open

[25:55] this locked trunk.

[25:56] He's like,

[25:56] oh!

[25:57] Oh!

[25:57] He assumes that

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] in that moment

[25:58] he gets super strength

[26:00] because of the stress.

Dan McCoy

[26:01] My only weakness

[26:02] is a locked trunk.

Elliott Kalan

[26:05] But then,

[26:06] Josh Lucas

[26:07] comes back

[26:08] for one final scare.

[26:09] Like, your favorite

[26:10] horror movie monster

[26:11] bursts out of the water.

[26:12] Yeah.

[26:13] Face all scarred up.

[26:15] Melty-faced.

[26:15] All melty-faced.

[26:16] And they're fighting

[26:17] and fighting.

[26:18] beats him up

[26:19] and runs him through

[26:21] with a crowbar, right?

[26:23] Yeah, like a pry bar.

[26:25] Yeah.

[26:25] And then pries open

[26:26] the trunk.

[26:27] Then Josh Lucas

[26:28] comes back again!

Dan McCoy

[26:30] We were all saying

[26:30] that it would have been

[26:31] better if he pried

[26:32] open the trunk

[26:32] with Josh Lucas'

[26:33] fake leg.

Elliott Kalan

[26:34] With his leg.

[26:34] If he had torn

[26:35] the fake leg off

[26:36] and then used that

[26:36] to pry the trunk open.

[26:37] You can't introduce

Stuart Wellington

[26:38] a fake leg

[26:38] if you're not

[26:39] going to use it

[26:39] to pry open the trunk.

[26:40] Exactly.

[26:40] That's what Chekhov said.

Elliott Kalan

[26:41] Exactly.

[26:42] Chekhov did say that.

[26:43] He did.

[26:44] The best moment was after

[26:45] That's exactly

[26:45] how he phrased it, too.

Stuart Wellington

[26:46] After stabbing

[26:47] Josh Lucas

[26:48] through the stomach

[26:48] and pushing him

[26:49] into the sinking trunk,

[26:51] he then closes

[26:52] the top of the trunk

[26:53] of it.

[26:54] Case closed,

[26:55] literally.

Elliott Kalan

[26:57] He should have said

[26:58] case closed.

[26:59] Or case closed.

[27:04] But Nicolas Cage

[27:05] has this bullet wound.

[27:06] He's already said

[27:07] earlier in the movie,

[27:07] a bullet to the belly.

[27:09] Hurts a lot

[27:09] and you die slower.

[27:10] It's his greatest weakness.

[27:13] His one vulnerability,

[27:14] bullets to the belly.

[27:16] But the police helicopter arrives,

[27:18] cop in a hat is there.

[27:20] Cop in a half?

[27:21] Cop in a half.

[27:22] It's Burt Reynolds

[27:23] with a little kid

[27:24] on his shoulders

[27:24] wearing a hat.

Stuart Wellington

[27:25] That's my worst nightmare,

[27:26] a kid with a badge.

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] They take him away.

[27:30] They take him away

[27:31] and then,

[27:31] we don't know,

[27:32] did he survive?

[27:33] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[27:33] I also love like,

[27:35] the daughter's like,

[27:37] he's not going back to jail,

[27:38] is he?

[27:38] And Danny Houston's like,

[27:39] no, no.

[27:40] The other guy stole the money.

[27:42] Like, it's just like...

Elliott Kalan

[27:43] The other guy stole that gold.

[27:44] Oh, you mean the guy

[27:45] whose body is drowned

[27:46] in a trunk right now?

Dan McCoy

[27:48] So he stole the gold

[27:49] and then he got in a trunk

[27:50] and killed himself?

[27:51] All of a sudden,

[27:52] Danny Houston gets very protective

[27:54] of Nicolas Cage,

[27:55] a man who,

[27:57] yes,

[27:57] he did this for justifiable reasons,

[27:59] but has broken his parole

[28:01] many times over,

[28:01] running around,

[28:02] stealing things,

[28:03] shooting people.

[28:05] Even before then,

[28:05] you get the idea...

[28:06] A one-man army.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] He's OMAC, yeah.

[28:08] You get the idea

[28:09] that Danny Houston

[28:10] likes Nicolas Cage a little bit.

[28:11] No, he has affection for it,

[28:12] but...

[28:13] But then, by the end,

[28:14] he saved his daughter.

[28:15] You know,

[28:15] he only did what he did

[28:17] to save his daughter.

[28:18] It's the point at the end

[28:19] where the bad guy says,

[28:20] you know what,

[28:20] this good guy's been reformed.

Dan McCoy

[28:21] But it's a lot of covering up

[28:24] that has to be done.

[28:25] Oh, yeah.

[28:25] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] at least one cop has been killed.

[28:28] MC Ganey also.

[28:30] Not to mention,

[28:30] tons of cars flipped over.

[28:32] Mardi Gras,

[28:33] ruined.

[28:35] Yep, it's called off.

[28:37] Ray Nagin is like,

[28:38] you know what,

[28:38] cancel it, forget it.

[28:41] But, uh...

[28:42] Dr. John is crying.

[28:45] Just crying into his beard,

[28:47] I assume he has.

[28:49] Then...

[28:49] He's weeping,

Dan McCoy

[28:50] muttering a trois to himself.

[28:54] But, no,

[28:54] we don't know whether...

[28:55] Takes his doctorate

[28:55] down from the wall,

[28:56] tears it up.

Elliott Kalan

[28:57] Why did I study?

[28:59] Why did I study

[29:00] for seven years for this?

[29:03] I...

[29:04] Mon Dieu!

Stuart Wellington

[29:06] So he's basically

[29:07] Gambit at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] Yeah,

[29:10] mon cherie.

[29:12] Anyway,

[29:13] he guarantees it.

[29:14] So anyway,

[29:15] the...

[29:16] Then it cuts to

[29:17] Maylene Ackerman

[29:18] and the daughter

[29:19] are driving in a truck

[29:19] past a cemetery.

[29:21] Oh, no,

[29:21] are they gonna go visit

[29:22] Nicolas Cage's grave?

[29:24] No.

[29:24] Grave!

[29:26] His grave!

[29:27] Is he moldering a tomb?

[29:30] No.

[29:31] He's cooking up shrimp.

[29:32] It's the most

[29:32] half-hearted fake-out

[29:33] you can imagine.

[29:34] It's because it barely lasts.

[29:35] And it's not even like

[29:36] they show him

[29:36] them driving up.

[29:37] It literally just cuts

[29:38] to Nicolas Cage

[29:38] walking out of a trailer.

[29:39] Hey, guys.

[29:40] It's great being alive, right?

[29:42] And not dead,

[29:43] which is what I'm not.

[29:44] They go,

[29:45] but it turns out

[29:46] Maylene Ackerman

[29:47] still has one of the lumps

[29:48] of dinosaur turd gold

[29:49] in the back of her truck.

[29:52] Nicolas Cage picks it up

[29:53] and we see that

[29:53] he's being watched

[29:54] from a boat

[29:55] by Danny Houston

[29:56] and Danny Houston

[29:57] second in command.

Dan McCoy

[29:58] Danny Houston's sidekick

[29:58] played by TV's Human Target.

Elliott Kalan

[30:00] And, wait a minute,

[30:01] what's Danny Houston

[30:02] doing here?

Stuart Wellington

[30:03] Wait, wearing a really cool hat?

Elliott Kalan

[30:05] Like a different hat?

[30:05] Wearing a different hat.

[30:07] They're also rooting

[30:08] for Nicolas Cage.

[30:09] They're under surveillance

[30:10] and Nicolas Cage

[30:11] sees the lump of gold

[30:12] and if he throws it away

[30:13] then they don't have

[30:14] any evidence to catch him

[30:15] but if he keeps it

[30:16] they'll be able

[30:16] to throw him in jail.

[30:17] And Houston's like

[30:18] throw it away.

[30:19] Throw it away.

[30:19] And Human Target's like

[30:20] don't throw it away.

[30:21] Don't throw it away.

Stuart Wellington

[30:22] What are they gonna arrest him for?

[30:23] Throwing gold?

Elliott Kalan

[30:24] That's crazy.

[30:24] That's not against the law.

[30:25] That's fucking crazy.

[30:26] Last time I checked

[30:26] this is America.

[30:28] You can throw as much gold

[30:29] as you want.

[30:30] You make it rain gold.

[30:32] You can eat gold

[30:33] and poop it.

[30:34] Yeah, if you want.

[30:35] I hope you're watching

[30:36] the screen

[30:37] because you might not

[30:38] catch that

[30:39] for about four seconds

[30:40] there's a shot

[30:41] that it shows

[30:42] that there's a big stone

[30:43] like acorn sculpture

[30:44] or pine cone sculpture

[30:46] on the table.

Dan McCoy

[30:46] There's a gold lump shaped

[30:48] pine cold on the table.

[30:50] What?

Elliott Kalan

[30:50] Pine cold.

[30:51] Pine cold.

[30:52] It's like pine salt

[30:53] but it makes things cold

[30:53] instead of sweet smelling.

[30:56] It's what they spray

[30:57] pine trees with

[30:58] when they get too warm.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] The pine cold lady

[31:00] is like Mrs. Freeze.

[31:02] Mrs. Freeze?

[31:04] I imagine.

Stuart Wellington

[31:05] Wait, she's trapped

[31:05] in a thing

[31:06] so that Mr. Freeze

[31:07] has to try and get her out?

[31:08] Yeah, yeah.

[31:09] Trapped in a thing.

[31:10] It's a thing that keeps her cold,

[31:11] right?

[31:12] So she doesn't turn

[31:12] into a dead body?

[31:14] She's stuck in an abandoned refrigerator.

[31:15] She's playing in it

[31:16] and she got stuck inside.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] She didn't see that episode

[31:18] of Different Strokes, I guess.

[31:20] Yep.

[31:21] Or that G.I. Joe,

[31:22] the more you know

[31:22] about abandoned fridges.

[31:24] Anyway,

[31:25] finally decides

[31:26] to get rid of it,

[31:27] throws it the gold in the water

[31:28] and Danny Houston's like,

[31:29] all right,

[31:30] now I can go back

[31:30] to my regular life.

[31:32] My regular life

[31:32] of hat wearing.

[31:33] No, he can throw his hat

[31:35] away at this point.

[31:36] I wish he had then

[31:37] picked up his hat

[31:37] and lit it on fire

[31:38] and then threw it away.

[31:39] Threw it up into the air

[31:40] like Mary Tyler Moore.

Stuart Wellington

[31:42] The hat flies away

[31:43] and says,

[31:43] my work here is done.

[31:45] Just like the feather

[31:45] at the end of Forrest Gump.

[31:46] Yeah, it's Pete's dragon.

[31:47] Or the hat's like,

Elliott Kalan

[31:48] no, one day from retirement.

[31:52] My wife, hat,

[31:53] and I were going to hat

[31:53] around the world

[31:54] with my hat pension.

[31:58] But then it turns out,

[31:59] wait a minute,

[32:01] threw that big pine cone

[32:03] in the water

[32:03] and he still has

[32:04] the gold.

[32:07] Stolen is now over.

Dan McCoy

[32:08] Cue Lalo Schifrin

[32:11] style cop show music.

[32:13] Now here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[32:14] This is a movie,

[32:14] I'm just going to tell you

[32:15] about it.

[32:15] I liked this movie a lot.

[32:17] It was super goofy

[32:18] and silly

[32:19] but it had some

[32:20] genuinely fun

[32:21] action-y scenes

[32:22] and the score

[32:23] was great.

[32:24] It was like they lifted it

[32:25] wholesale from some

[32:26] 80s cop show

[32:27] including there's like

[32:28] parts where it's like

[32:29] ba-dow-dow-dow-dow

[32:31] ba-dow-dow-dow-dow.

Stuart Wellington

[32:34] Yeah.

[32:34] 35 million dollars,

[32:36] Elliot.

[32:36] Most of that went to

[32:37] hats, fake gold,

[32:40] Nicolas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[32:41] I assume most of that

[32:42] money went straight to

[32:43] Nicolas Cage's

[32:43] castle broker

[32:44] and the IRS.

Dan McCoy

[32:48] the original

[32:49] castle freak.

[32:53] Hey guys,

[32:54] how many things

[32:56] have we done?

[32:56] You saved that

[32:57] fucking gold.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] I can't believe,

[32:59] yeah,

[32:59] we've found a new way

[33:00] to talk about Nicolas Cage

[33:01] and a new way to talk

[33:02] about Castle Freak

[33:03] for episode what,

[33:04] 708?

[33:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] We've been doing this

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] for 100 years.

[33:08] You would have thought

[33:08] we would.

[33:09] We have giant

[33:10] Zardoz beards

[33:11] and fucking

[33:12] dikes on.

[33:13] There's never been a time

Dan McCoy

[33:14] we haven't been doing

[33:15] this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[33:15] It's like The Shining.

[33:17] There's a picture

[33:18] from the 20s

[33:18] of us doing this podcast.

[33:21] It was a radio show.

[33:22] We all had big

[33:22] mustaches.

Stuart Wellington

[33:23] Every time we walk out

[33:25] we see another version

[33:26] of us walking in.

Elliott Kalan

[33:27] Oh yeah,

[33:27] it's like Looper.

[33:29] You got a whole

[33:30] primer situation

[33:31] going on here.

[33:33] But I was going to say

[33:35] the music is adorably cheesy.

[33:37] It's just so cop show cheesy

[33:39] and the characters are all,

[33:41] it like,

[33:41] this felt like an hour

[33:43] and 30 minute episode

[33:43] of either the Danny Houston

[33:45] cop in a hat show

[33:46] or the Nicolas Cage

[33:47] greatest bank robber show.

[33:49] It was like a,

[33:50] it was like if there was

[33:50] a hat cop show

[33:52] and there was a bank robber show

[33:53] and they did like a

[33:54] Sweeps Weeks

[33:54] crossover movie of the week.

Dan McCoy

[33:56] Oh.

[33:57] Oh,

[33:57] that's what,

[33:57] that is what it feels like.

[33:59] Like a,

[33:59] like a Macmillan and wife

[34:01] like sort of a,

[34:02] like a CBS mystery movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:05] Like this is a TV movie

[34:06] CBS would make

[34:07] so they could try to

[34:08] spin it off into a show

[34:09] if it got a big,

[34:10] like the way they did

[34:11] with Kojak.

[34:12] I don't know if that was CBS,

[34:13] but the way Kojak was done.

[34:14] So like,

[34:15] and Colombo

[34:15] was the same way I think.

[34:17] So like,

[34:17] Battlestar Galactica.

[34:20] Mystery show.

[34:20] Yeah,

[34:21] the classic mystery show

[34:22] Battlestar Galactica.

[34:22] Turns out the Cylons did.

[34:26] There's a bunch

[34:27] of regular people

[34:28] like high society types

[34:30] and a Cylon in the room

[34:31] and Detective Galactica.

[34:34] Detective B Galactica.

[34:36] I think I know who did it.

[34:38] Wait,

[34:38] wait,

[34:39] wait,

[34:39] one more question.

[34:40] One thing I just couldn't understand.

[34:41] One more question,

[34:42] Mr. Cylon.

[34:43] So you're a killing machine robot.

[34:46] Oh,

[34:46] yes I am.

[34:47] A case closed.

[34:48] That's it.

[34:49] You say you're a human being.

Dan McCoy

[34:51] Now,

[34:52] uh,

[34:52] why are your eyes

[34:54] one red light

[34:55] that goes back and forth?

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] Uh,

[34:56] I have a condition.

[34:57] Uh,

[34:58] that makes sense.

[34:58] That makes a lot of sense.

[34:59] Just one more question.

[35:00] If you're a regular poison,

[35:02] why do you have big metal claws

[35:03] for hands?

[35:05] And why are you a robot?

[35:07] Um,

[35:08] uh,

[35:08] and the Cylon tries to jump

[35:10] out the window

[35:10] but a cop leaps out of an ambush

[35:12] and tackles him.

[35:15] How did you know

[35:16] the Cylon was the one

[35:17] who did it?

[35:18] Let's just say

[35:18] I had a hunch.

[35:20] Oh,

[35:20] he's also a hunchback.

[35:21] So that pun,

[35:22] so it's always a pun

[35:23] at the end of the episode.

[35:24] Let's say I had a hunch.

Stuart Wellington

[35:25] Looks to the,

[35:26] he looks at the camera

[35:27] and says,

[35:27] okay,

[35:28] it's closed.

Elliott Kalan

[35:30] It's called

[35:31] Battlestar Galactica

[35:32] Hunchback Detective

[35:33] stars the late Peter Falk

[35:35] and a Cylon

[35:37] and it's always a Cylon

[35:38] who did it.

[35:41] And he talks like

[35:42] the guy from

[35:42] the stolen trailer.

Dan McCoy

[35:47] I don't think

[35:47] we're going to say

[35:48] anything that I'm going

[35:49] to enjoy more than that.

[35:51] I think we should go

[35:51] on to final judgments.

[35:53] Although Elliot,

[35:54] I think we've kind of gotten

[35:56] I got my final judgment.

[35:57] Your judgment.

[35:58] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] does anyone have

[35:59] anything else to say?

[36:00] The movie is like,

[36:01] we all went into this movie

[36:02] I think hoping we would

[36:03] like it a little bit

[36:03] and I don't know

[36:04] about you guys

[36:05] but I certainly did.

[36:06] So I'm going to,

[36:06] if we're doing final judgments

[36:08] I'm going to say

[36:08] this was a movie

[36:09] I kind of liked.

Dan McCoy

[36:10] The official categories

[36:11] are good,

[36:12] bad movie,

[36:12] bad,

[36:12] bad movie,

[36:13] movie I kind of like.

[36:14] This hovers,

[36:15] I feel,

[36:15] a little bit between

[36:16] good,

[36:16] bad movie,

[36:17] movie I kind of like.

[36:18] I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[36:18] it's not,

[36:18] it's like a good,

[36:19] I would say it's a good

[36:20] like TV movie-ish thriller.

[36:22] It's not as good

[36:23] like a B-movie type

[36:24] quality movie

[36:25] as like Premium Rush

[36:26] or something like that

[36:27] for instance.

[36:27] But it's still a lot of fun.

[36:29] I mean,

[36:29] the characters are just

[36:30] running around

[36:30] flipping cars over.

Dan McCoy

[36:32] There's stuff in it

[36:32] that genuinely works

[36:33] and then there's stuff in it

[36:34] that's like super silly.

[36:36] It's ridiculous.

[36:36] But there's nothing in it

[36:37] that I was like,

[36:38] this is shitty.

[36:39] It's a bizarro world

Stuart Wellington

[36:40] where Nicolas Cage

[36:41] can beat up

[36:42] two trained FBI field agents

[36:43] and a one-legged guy

[36:45] can beat up

[36:46] a young fit Australian guy.

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] That's the other thing.

[36:48] Yeah,

[36:49] it takes place

[36:50] in this backwards place

[36:51] where the weak

[36:53] overpower the strong.

[36:54] Weak is strong

[36:54] and strong is weak.

[36:55] Yes.

[36:56] So there is a scene

[36:57] where Nicolas Cage

[36:58] is like with two FBI agents

[37:00] in an elevator

[37:00] and then escapes

[37:01] and the elevator opens up

[37:02] and the FBI agents

[37:03] I guess wake up

[37:04] from their blackout

[37:05] and are handcuffed

[37:06] to the handrail

[37:08] in the elevator.

[37:09] It's like there's no way

[37:10] that Nicolas Cage

[37:11] is what,

[37:11] like 55 at this point?

[37:13] Maybe a little bit

[37:14] younger than that?

[37:14] There's no way

[37:15] he beat up these two guys.

[37:17] But like Nicolas Cage

[37:17] breaks his own thumb

[37:18] to get us some handcuffs

[37:19] at one point.

[37:20] He is,

[37:21] this is Nicolas Cage

[37:22] like as an action star

[37:24] which shouldn't work

[37:25] but it kind of works.

[37:27] Just through sheer

[37:28] force of him.

[37:29] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[37:29] he's been an action star

[37:30] for quite a while

[37:30] but he feels like

[37:31] he should have aged out.

Elliott Kalan

[37:32] He's an action star

Stuart Wellington

[37:33] that any scene

[37:34] requires him to run.

[37:35] It's like a stutter step.

Elliott Kalan

[37:37] But also,

[37:38] he's not like

[37:39] a Jean-Claude Van Damme

[37:41] action star

[37:42] who like beats people

[37:43] up in fights.

[37:44] He's like a

[37:44] jumping from explosions

[37:46] action star.

[37:47] Yeah.

[37:47] He's not even a

[37:48] Bruce Willis

[37:48] normal guy action star.

[37:49] He's like,

[37:50] you know,

[37:51] if Adrian Brody

[37:52] was an action star

[37:53] which I guess he is

[37:54] in some movies.

[37:54] Yeah,

[37:55] Predators.

[37:56] But there's something

[37:57] about child brothers.

[37:58] There's something

[37:59] about Nicolas Cage's

[38:00] sheer dedication

[38:05] to not giving a shit

[38:06] about most of the movie

[38:07] that sells it to me

[38:09] as an action star.

[38:09] He's very mumbly

[38:10] but in a fun way in this.

[38:12] Yeah.

[38:12] So what are you guys

[38:13] going to give your

[38:14] final judgments?

Stuart Wellington

[38:15] He already gave his.

[38:16] Oh,

[38:16] that's right.

[38:17] I think I'll agree with Dan.

[38:18] I think it's a hair below

[38:21] movie I kind of liked

[38:22] and four hairs above.

[38:26] Good,

[38:26] bad.

[38:27] I didn't realize

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] it was just five hairs

[38:28] separating that.

[38:29] Yeah,

[38:29] it's so close.

[38:32] Such a thin line.

[38:33] It's like a gypsy's whisper.

[38:35] Such a thin line

[38:36] between sanity

[38:37] and insanity.

[38:38] Good and evil.

[38:39] We're two sides

[38:40] of the same coin,

[38:41] you and I.

[38:42] So,

[38:42] uh,

[38:43] the coin is,

[38:43] it's a novelty.

[38:44] You've got all the

Stuart Wellington

[38:45] time in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] It's a novelty coin

[38:47] that I put our faces on.

[38:48] I got it at the carnival.

[38:51] This,

[38:51] uh,

Stuart Wellington

[38:52] I thought we were just

[38:53] doing things that villains

[38:53] say to each other.

[38:54] Boy.

Dan McCoy

[38:56] This is the part

[38:57] of the podcast

[38:58] where we answer

[38:59] letters from listeners.

[39:00] It's called

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] The Flophouse

[39:02] Mailbag

[39:03] Segment

[39:04] for Letters

[39:05] from You,

[39:06] the Viewers,

[39:06] to Us.

[39:07] The Flophouse

[39:08] in a Bag

[39:09] mailed to us

[39:10] for the podcast.

[39:11] No songs allowed.

[39:12] Called The Flophouse.

[39:13] No songs allowed,

[39:15] but I'll find some way

[39:16] to delay the letters.

[39:18] Probably.

[39:18] Segment

[39:19] rated R.

[39:20] Number one.

[39:22] April 8th,

[39:23] 2013.

[39:24] You should probably.

[39:25] AD 2.0.com.

[39:27] I didn't sign off

[39:28] on the name of this segment.

[39:29] Et cetera.

[39:31] I'm halfway through

[39:31] the name of the segment.

[39:32] See,

[39:32] no.

Dan McCoy

[39:33] All right.

[39:34] Uh,

[39:35] this letter is titled

[39:36] Flophouse TV.

Elliott Kalan

[39:38] We have tuberculosis.

[39:39] It's from

Dan McCoy

[39:40] Ronnie,

[39:41] last name with hell.

[39:42] He writes,

[39:42] Hello,

[39:42] Dan Stewart,

[39:43] Elliot Housecat,

[39:44] and Al Madrigal,

[39:45] who I assume is

[39:46] screening all of these emails

[39:47] after his hostile takeover.

[39:48] Yeah.

[39:49] Yeah.

[39:49] While I was sitting

[39:50] He's sitting right there

Elliott Kalan

[39:50] glaring at us.

Dan McCoy

[39:52] While I was sitting

[39:52] on the toilet

[39:53] and reading the latest

[39:53] Entertainment Weekly,

[39:54] which is how

[39:55] Too much.

[39:55] Which is how I receive

[39:57] all of my entertainment

[39:57] and weekly news.

[39:59] I noticed a new

[40:00] MTV show listing.

[40:02] It's a talk show

[40:02] hosted by none other

[40:04] than Flophouse guest host

[40:05] Sarah Schaefer.

[40:06] Episode 22,

[40:07] Vantage Point.

[40:09] That's true.

[40:09] Nikki and Sarah live

[40:10] on MTV.

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] On MTV,

[40:11] Tuesday nights at 11 p.m.

[40:13] I recommend it highly.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] This made me wonder,

[40:15] why have the original

[40:16] peaches not penetrated

[40:17] the boob tube?

[40:19] What?

[40:19] Keep in mind,

[40:19] I don't consider

[40:20] Mr. Kalen and Mr. McCoy's

[40:22] cameos on The Daily Show

[40:23] full penetration.

[40:24] I mean, we...

[40:25] Although,

[40:25] although Mr. Wellington's

[40:27] video drum experience

[40:28] does count.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] Oh, yeah,

[40:30] when you had that

[40:30] videotape in your belly?

[40:32] Yeah.

[40:32] And you had sex

[40:33] with Debbie Harry?

[40:34] Yeah, of course.

Stuart Wellington

[40:34] I did all those things.

Elliott Kalan

[40:35] So I further wondered...

[40:36] You said goodbye

[40:37] to the old flesh.

Stuart Wellington

[40:38] Yeah, why do I need

[40:39] that flesh anymore?

[40:40] I've become one

[40:41] with a greater consciousness.

Dan McCoy

[40:42] So I further wondered

[40:43] what kind of shows

[40:44] would be best tailored

[40:45] to you guys.

[40:45] Here are a few suggestions.

[40:46] Joey and Kalen

[40:47] hosting old-timey movies

[40:49] on Turner Classic Movies.

[40:50] That's a job

Elliott Kalan

[40:50] I would definitely love.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] Stew and Housecat

[40:53] story time on Nick Jr.,

[40:55] which would be

[40:55] summarily canceled

[40:56] after one episode

[40:57] for its frank sexual content.

[41:00] Dan McCoy

[41:00] would certainly be

[41:01] the third most popular

[41:02] newsman in the

[41:03] New York City area market.

[41:06] That's pretty...

Elliott Kalan

[41:06] I mean, it's

[41:07] one of the two

[41:08] biggest media markets

[41:09] in the country.

[41:10] Sure.

[41:11] Along with Davenport.

Dan McCoy

[41:13] And Ronnie,

[41:14] there's a postscript.

[41:15] He says,

[41:15] in a recent episode,

[41:16] Elliot pronounced

[41:17] John Constantine's name

[41:19] as Constantine.

[41:20] instead of the actual

[41:21] correct pronunciation.

[41:22] See, it's not only Dan

[41:23] who gets words wrong.

[41:24] P-P-S,

[41:25] but it's still mostly Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] Look, as long as I'm Jewish,

[41:27] I'm going to pronounce

[41:28] it John Constantine.

Stuart Wellington

[41:29] It's properly pronounced

[41:30] Constantine.

Elliott Kalan

[41:32] Wait, that didn't even

[41:32] sound like Cage.

[41:33] That sounded like a ghost

[41:34] to sing it.

Dan McCoy

[41:36] John Constantine.

[41:38] As you guys

[41:39] have already acknowledged,

[41:40] we've already been through

[41:41] Stuart's ideal

[41:43] television vehicles.

[41:45] Jazz.

[41:45] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] What was it called?

[41:47] Stuart's Sex Watching

[41:48] Pirate Show?

[41:49] Well, he described

[41:50] he describes

[41:51] other people having sex.

[41:51] Sex Describer.

Dan McCoy

[41:52] Sex Describer.

[41:53] He's a pirate

[41:54] who describes

[41:54] people having sex.

Stuart Wellington

[41:56] I don't have a lot

[41:56] of words,

[41:57] so I have to use

[41:58] saxophone sounds.

Dan McCoy

[42:01] But it seemed

[42:02] worth pursuing,

[42:04] you know,

[42:05] like what our

[42:06] television vehicles

[42:07] should be.

Elliott Kalan

[42:07] Yeah, sure.

[42:09] Well, mine would

[42:09] probably be a tricked

[42:10] out ambulance

[42:10] like Ecto-1.

[42:12] But with a TV in it.

[42:13] That'd be my TV vehicle.

[42:16] What would yours be, Dan?

[42:17] What would your show be?

[42:18] I'll tell you what my show

[42:18] is afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[42:20] Oh, wait.

[42:20] I have to...

[42:21] I thought we were

[42:22] casting each other.

[42:23] Oh, oh, oh, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[42:24] Oh, well, Dan's would be

[42:24] called The Sci-Guy.

[42:26] It's about a single guy

[42:28] who also has a wife

[42:28] and a cat somehow

[42:29] who just can't seem

[42:30] to get it together

[42:31] even though he has

[42:32] a high-paying

[42:33] television job.

[42:34] So it's like

[42:35] the single guy...

[42:36] It's a slice of life.

[42:36] Yeah.

[42:37] The late Ernest Borgen

[42:40] plays Manny the Doorman.

Stuart Wellington

[42:41] The weird thing, though,

[42:42] you're also psychic.

[42:43] Thus the name,

[42:43] the double meaning

[42:44] of Psy Guy.

Elliott Kalan

[42:45] It's spelled P-S-Y Guy.

[42:47] But whenever you get

[42:48] a psychic message,

[42:49] you go,

[42:49] not again.

[42:52] And then you've got

[42:53] to do an adventure.

[42:53] That's probably

[42:54] how I would react.

[42:55] Or you just don't

[42:56] do the adventure.

[42:57] If I'm tired,

[42:58] I probably wouldn't.

[42:59] And you just watch TV

[43:00] and there's a

[43:00] sweep-sweak storyline

[43:01] where your knee

[43:02] gets hurt

[43:03] and then is invaded

[43:04] by the spirit of a killer.

[43:07] And your knee

[43:07] is sneaking out

[43:08] at night

[43:08] and killing people

[43:09] and then coming

[43:09] back to your leg.

[43:11] That's pretty good.

[43:12] So what would my show be?

[43:13] It's called

[43:13] The Psy Guy.

Dan McCoy

[43:17] Rated R.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] Rated R.

[43:19] It's a rated R show.

[43:19] It's on Spice Channel.

[43:22] A lot of hardcore sex,

[43:23] but you don't get

[43:24] to do any of it.

Dan McCoy

[43:25] What if Elliot

[43:26] could be like

[43:27] a Doctor Who

[43:29] style show

[43:30] where like...

Stuart Wellington

[43:31] A criminologist.

[43:33] A mentalist.

Dan McCoy

[43:34] What?

[43:35] Yeah, like Doctor Who.

[43:36] A mentalist,

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] criminalist.

Dan McCoy

[43:38] No, I'm imagining

[43:39] him traveling

[43:40] through time

[43:41] into old Hollywood.

[43:42] Wait, I don't get it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:43] Wait, he's a doctor

[43:44] that travels through time?

[43:45] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[43:46] So I can sleep

[43:46] with all my favorite

[43:47] star crushes

[43:48] who have been dead

[43:49] for years.

[43:49] And I'm the pervyzoid.

Stuart Wellington

[43:52] But, wait, I mean,

[43:53] he's just talking

[43:54] about sleeping

[43:54] with dead bodies.

[43:55] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] They were living people.

[43:57] I would go back

[43:57] to when they were

[43:58] still alive.

[43:58] So you're going

Stuart Wellington

[43:59] to make them live again?

[44:00] No, I'm going back

[44:01] in time.

[44:01] It's called

[44:01] Elliot Kaylin

Elliott Kalan

[44:02] Starfucker.

[44:05] Each week,

[44:05] I have sex

[44:06] with a different star

[44:07] of old Hollywood.

[44:08] Clark Gable,

[44:09] Spencer Tracy,

[44:10] Rita Hayworth,

[44:12] Clark Gable again

[44:13] because he was that good.

Dan McCoy

[44:15] I was like,

[44:15] I don't care.

[44:16] I'm a straight man,

[44:17] but these are

[44:18] the stars

[44:18] of old Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[44:19] Come on,

[44:20] I'm not going to pass.

[44:20] If Clark Gable

[44:21] comes on to me,

[44:22] that's a story

[44:22] I'm going to eat

[44:23] dinner out with

[44:23] for a long time.

[44:25] Wait,

[44:26] did you just say

[44:27] eat out?

[44:28] Yeah, on that story.

[44:29] Okay.

[44:30] No, it would go like this.

[44:31] Ingrid Bergman,

[44:32] Myrna Loy,

[44:32] Teresa Wright.

[44:33] That would be my order.

[44:34] That seems pretty good.

[44:35] So then we get,

[44:36] start throwing

[44:36] some other stars in.

[44:37] How about your

[44:37] Louise Brooks?

[44:38] Yeah, Louise Brooks,

[44:39] sure.

[44:40] Elliot Gould.

[44:41] Anna Mae Wong,

[44:42] definitely.

[44:44] Elliot Gould,

[44:45] you got it.

[44:46] But no mustache.

[44:49] He has to shave it off.

[44:50] It tickles him.

[44:52] George Siegel

[44:53] with mustache.

Dan McCoy

[44:55] So this next letter.

[44:57] Wait, what's the name?

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] It's called Starfucker?

[44:59] Starfucker?

[45:00] Starfucker.

Dan McCoy

[45:01] This next letter

[45:02] is titled

[45:02] Help Me Get Revenge.

Stuart Wellington

[45:04] Okay, I like the

[45:05] start of this one.

[45:05] Sounds like Stuart Sally.

Dan McCoy

[45:07] I'm going to have

[45:08] trouble pronouncing it.

[45:09] First one,

Stuart Wellington

[45:09] practice hugging people

[45:10] but frowning

[45:11] while you do it.

Dan McCoy

[45:12] I apologize

[45:13] for mispronouncing this.

[45:16] Adjahar,

[45:17] last name withheld.

[45:19] So this is,

[45:20] he says,

[45:21] recently my best friend

[45:22] invited me to a ceremony

[45:24] where he took command

[45:26] of a Navy SEAL team.

[45:28] Oh, wow.

[45:29] Nothing wrong with that

[45:30] in and of itself.

[45:31] However,

[45:31] during the ceremony,

[45:32] he took several

[45:33] thinly veiled jabs

[45:35] at me and my

[45:36] green beret brothers.

[45:38] Since he was at the podium

[45:39] and I was standing

[45:39] at attention,

Elliott Kalan

[45:40] super intimidated already.

[45:42] The fact that this is

[45:43] a Navy SEAL

[45:44] and a green beret

[45:45] with a beef

[45:47] is really more

[45:47] than we can handle.

Dan McCoy

[45:48] Outnumbered 50 to 1

[45:49] by SEALs,

[45:50] I was completely helpless.

[45:51] I have since been

[45:52] plotting against him,

[45:53] conducting covert

[45:54] reconnaissance of his house

[45:55] while seemingly

[45:56] babysitting his children,

[45:57] studying his weaknesses

[45:58] of character,

[45:59] he seems to drink

[46:00] a lot of beer,

[46:01] and weaknesses of body,

[46:02] definitely balding,

[46:03] but how can I use

[46:04] that against him?

[46:05] Alas,

[46:05] I was...

[46:06] Stab him in the head.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] He no longer has the hair.

[46:09] The hair forms

[46:10] a protective crust.

[46:11] The hair would cushion

[46:12] the blow.

[46:13] Alas,

[46:13] I was shipped off...

[46:14] A protective crust.

[46:15] What is in your hair, Dan?

[46:17] He would describe it

[46:17] as a crust.

Dan McCoy

[46:19] At last,

[46:20] I was shipped off

[46:21] to Afghanistan

[46:22] before I could deliver

[46:23] a devastating blow

[46:24] to his solar plexus,

[46:25] but also before he could

[46:26] inflict further emotional

[46:27] harm against me,

[46:28] or so I thought.

[46:30] Uh-oh.

[46:31] Last week,

[46:32] I was forced to watch

[46:32] Act of Valor.

[46:34] Truly one of the worst

[46:35] movies ever made,

[46:35] incompetent,

[46:36] boring,

[46:36] surprisingly unrelieved

[46:37] unrealistic.

[46:39] I can't prove it,

[46:40] but I think my friend

[46:40] forced his men

[46:41] to film this monstrosity

[46:43] just so I'd be tortured

[46:45] by it later.

[46:46] Not the first movie

[46:46] that would be made

[46:47] just to torture

[46:48] somebody else with it.

[46:49] You may be thinking,

[46:50] we can't make fun of SEALs.

[46:51] They're American heroes.

[46:52] Surely that does not include

[46:53] anyone involved

[46:54] in the making of

[46:55] Act of Valor.

[46:56] Or Andre.

[46:57] Please help...

[46:58] It's a movie about a SEAL.

[46:59] Yeah, I was gonna say,

[46:59] right?

[47:00] We're talking about

Stuart Wellington

[47:00] the soldiers

[47:01] or the animals?

Dan McCoy

[47:03] Please help out

[47:04] a battle-hardened

[47:05] special forces operator

[47:06] who does not have

[47:07] the ability

[47:07] wits to effectively

[47:08] make fun of his friend.

[47:09] You must fight

[47:10] my fight for me.

[47:11] I believe in you.

[47:12] Please trash

[47:13] Act of Valor

[47:13] for America

[47:14] and Jesus

[47:15] and 9-11.

[47:16] Wow, that's...

[47:17] That's a lot of pressure.

[47:18] That's a lot of pressure,

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] but I think we may have

Dan McCoy

[47:20] to take him up on that

[47:21] at some point.

[47:22] You do put your finger

[47:23] on the problem.

[47:25] Which is,

[47:26] we would feel bad

[47:27] making fun of...

[47:27] Of non-professional actors

[47:30] or actual Navy SEALs.

Stuart Wellington

[47:31] If I'm gonna make fun

[47:32] of a former soldier,

[47:33] I'm gonna make fun

[47:33] of that guy in Battleship

[47:35] that knocks that alien's

[47:36] teeth out.

Elliott Kalan

[47:37] Wait, was he actually

[47:38] a former soldier?

[47:38] Yes, he was.

[47:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[47:39] That's how he lost his legs.

[47:40] Yeah.

[47:40] He didn't lose them

[47:41] to Nicolas Cage

[47:42] shooting his legs off

[47:43] or something.

Elliott Kalan

[47:44] Real sensitive, Dan.

[47:45] No, but it's true.

[47:46] We would feel bad

[47:46] making fun of,

[47:48] especially the acting

[47:48] of guys who are not

[47:50] actors who are there

[47:52] for other skills.

[47:52] So this is my idea.

[47:54] I don't know if we can

[47:55] do Act of Valor

[47:55] because we're just civilians

[47:56] and we would get beat up.

[47:58] And we're all wusses.

[48:00] Here's classic revenge

[48:01] never goes wrong, ever.

[48:04] Rig it so your friend

[48:05] is elected prom queen

[48:06] and when he gets up

[48:08] on the stage,

[48:08] dump a bunch of pig's blood

[48:09] on him.

[48:10] Yeah.

[48:10] Never goes wrong.

[48:11] Yeah, that'll work perfectly.

[48:12] Classic revenge.

Dan McCoy

[48:13] We all watched Carrie

[48:14] and we paused the tape

[48:16] when that happened.

[48:17] We high-fived each other

[48:18] and we're like,

[48:19] oh, that nerd

[48:19] got what came for us.

[48:20] That's the end

[48:20] of the movie, right?

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] Then credits roll.

[48:23] Or, like the show Revenge,

[48:25] you could be something

[48:26] I never watch

[48:27] and therefore don't

[48:27] know anything about.

[48:30] Classic revenge.

[48:32] So we'll think about

[48:34] Act of Valor

[48:35] but we would have to get

[48:36] a letter from the president

[48:37] that said it's okay

[48:37] for us to make fun

[48:38] of Navy SEALs.

[48:39] Obama, the ball's

[48:40] in your court.

[48:42] President Obama.

[48:43] Your ball is

[48:44] in your president court.

Dan McCoy

[48:46] So this next letter

[48:47] is from...

[48:49] But thanks for listening

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] even from overseas.

[48:51] Appreciate it.

Dan McCoy

[48:51] This next letter

[48:53] is from L. Kennedy

[48:54] and she writes,

[48:55] I absolutely adore you guys.

[48:58] Whenever I'm in

[48:59] Deadline Hell,

[48:59] the podcast cheers me right up.

[49:01] Oh, and I think...

Elliott Kalan

[49:02] That would be a good movie

[49:03] about a newspaper

[49:04] run by the devil.

[49:06] Okay, I like it.

[49:07] Deadline Hell.

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] Starring Meryl Streep

[49:09] as the deadline.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] Hold on.

[49:12] Yep.

[49:12] And Paul Rubens

[49:13] as the hell.

[49:14] How weird.

Stuart Wellington

[49:15] So she writes...

[49:16] They fall in love.

[49:17] Okay.

[49:18] They have a child.

[49:19] That child's a dinosaur.

[49:21] God damn it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:22] A dinosaur.

[49:23] A sour dinosaur.

Dan McCoy

[49:25] That child is a dino saucer.

[49:28] L continues to write,

[49:30] Oh, I think Nick Cage

[49:31] has blinded you to the gym

[49:32] that is Billy Zane.

[49:33] You've got to do

[49:34] another Zane movie soon.

[49:36] You mean Nick Cage.

[49:37] Oh yeah, well,

[49:38] we should do another Zane movie.

[49:39] Yeah.

[49:39] She says,

[49:40] Check out Survival Ireland.

[49:42] It's a real treat.

[49:43] Sounds like a porno.

[49:44] And the main chick

[49:45] shows her boobs.

[49:46] Anyway,

[49:46] give up the hilarious work.

[49:47] Watch, watch, watch.

[49:48] Well, who's the main chick though?

[49:49] First of all,

[49:50] the main chick has a name.

[49:51] Her name is Kelly Proog.

Elliott Kalan

[49:52] Oh, okay.

[49:53] Well, that's certainly

[49:54] a fine woman's boobs.

Dan McCoy

[49:54] And we're all familiar

[49:55] with her boobs from Piranha.

[49:57] The movie that...

[49:57] 3D.

[49:58] That we saw

[50:00] for Elliot's bachelor party.

Elliott Kalan

[50:02] No, it was the day

[50:03] of my wedding.

Dan McCoy

[50:04] Yeah.

[50:04] Literally the day

[50:05] that we saw.

Stuart Wellington

[50:06] He was thinking about

[50:07] that movie

[50:08] when he said his vows?

[50:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:10] They're called...

[50:10] Yeah, well,

[50:11] they're prayers, technically.

[50:12] Prayers, okay.

[50:12] It's the day of Elliot's wedding.

[50:14] On the morning

[50:14] of my wedding,

[50:15] all of us went

[50:16] to go see Piranha 3D.

[50:17] And true story,

[50:18] at this very moment,

[50:19] I still keep the ticket

[50:19] stub in my wallet.

[50:21] Aww.

[50:21] Because it was

[50:21] the best day of my life.

[50:23] Number one,

[50:23] because of the wedding.

[50:24] Number two,

[50:25] Piranha 3D with my pals.

[50:27] And I keep...

Dan McCoy

[50:27] And I had Popeyes

[50:28] for lunch.

[50:29] And to this moment,

[50:30] I keep the memory

[50:31] of Kelly Brooke naked

[50:32] in my brain.

[50:33] So there's that, too.

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] There's that, too.

[50:35] I mean, the wedding,

[50:35] you've forgotten.

Dan McCoy

[50:36] Yeah.

[50:37] Oh, man.

[50:37] I gotta make room

[50:38] for other stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] There are other boobs

[50:40] to think about.

Dan McCoy

[50:41] But I gave

[50:43] Al Kennedy's

[50:44] full name, though,

[50:45] because I wanted to say

[50:46] she...

[50:47] In her signature,

[50:48] she says she's the author

[50:49] of the Killer Instincts

[50:51] and Out of Uniform series.

[50:53] What?

[50:53] Now,

[50:55] mentioning Navy Seals before,

[50:57] I went to her website.

[50:59] The tagline for the

[51:00] Out of Uniform series

[51:01] of romance novels

[51:02] that she wrote

[51:03] is,

[51:05] Give a Seal an Inch

[51:06] and He'll Take Your Heart.

[51:08] Oh.

[51:09] Are you sure it's not

Elliott Kalan

[51:10] about Andre,

Dan McCoy

[51:11] the performing seal?

[51:12] Some of the titles

[51:13] to these novels,

[51:15] you got your

[51:16] Hot and Heavy.

[51:17] Okay, classic.

[51:18] Hot and Bothered.

[51:19] Uh-oh.

[51:20] Feeling hot.

[51:21] What a hot.

[51:22] Getting hotter.

Stuart Wellington

[51:23] You should take

[51:23] those uniforms off

[51:24] if they're so hot

[51:25] all the time.

[51:25] I think that's

Dan McCoy

[51:25] what they're gonna do.

[51:26] And hotter than ever.

[51:28] And I have a picture

[51:29] of one of the covers.

[51:32] I got the cover too.

[51:32] Getting hotter here.

[51:33] That guy is shredded

[51:34] like lettuce.

[51:35] Look at the fucking

Stuart Wellington

[51:36] cum gutters on that guy.

[51:37] Shredded like a Ninja Turtle.

[51:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:40] That guy has super abs.

[51:42] So if you're a

[51:43] Flophouse Lady fan

[51:44] who's looking

[51:45] into some sweet

[51:46] Navy Seal romance action.

Elliott Kalan

[51:47] Or a Navy Seal

[51:48] who's fantasizing

[51:49] about their fellow

[51:50] Navy Seals.

[51:50] They repeal

[51:51] Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

[51:52] We're equal opportunity.

Stuart Wellington

[51:53] Sure.

[51:53] Or if you just want

[51:54] to read about

[51:54] the thing that

[51:56] somebody else

[51:56] would be reading

[51:56] if they're fantasizing

[51:57] about you.

[51:58] If you're a Navy Seal.

[51:59] Wait a minute,

[51:59] I got confused for a second.

[52:00] If you're a Navy Seal

[52:01] and you want to

Elliott Kalan

[52:02] project yourself

[52:03] into the story.

[52:03] Okay, Ninja Turtles.

[52:05] He said something

[52:05] about a Ninja Turtle.

[52:06] It's the idea

[52:06] of someone else

[52:07] being turned on by you.

[52:08] And who is not

[52:09] turned on by that?

Dan McCoy

[52:10] Yeah.

[52:11] Then go to

[52:11] lkennedy.com

[52:13] and check out

[52:13] these series

[52:14] of romance novels.

Stuart Wellington

[52:16] Maybe we'll get a set

[52:17] and give it away

[52:17] as a gift pack

[52:18] for the latest

[52:19] Flophouse contest winner.

[52:21] Which one's that?

[52:21] Do we have a contest

[52:22] going on?

Dan McCoy

[52:23] Dan, you remember.

[52:23] What's that contest?

[52:24] No, we don't have

[52:25] a contest going on.

[52:26] Although I was thinking

[52:26] that we should have

[52:27] another one

[52:28] where the listener

[52:29] gets to...

Dan McCoy

[52:29] Let's make it up

[52:29] on the spot.

[52:30] ...name the movie

[52:31] that we review.

[52:32] We haven't done

[52:32] one of those in a while.

Elliott Kalan

[52:33] Oh, that's right.

[52:33] We should do

[52:34] another one of those.

[52:35] She reminded me of...

[52:36] Those titles reminded me

[52:37] of my favorite

[52:37] ever romance title

[52:38] that I saw

[52:39] when I worked

[52:39] at Barnes & Noble.

[52:40] It was called

[52:41] Millionaire Cop

[52:42] and Pregnant Mom-to-Be.

[52:46] And I thought,

[52:47] perfect.

[52:48] Everything I need

[52:48] is right in the title.

[52:50] Right up there

[52:51] with the Billionaires

[52:52] and Babies series.

[52:53] So this last letter...

[52:55] What was the URL

Dan McCoy

[52:56] for that website again?

[52:57] It's LKennedy.com.

[52:59] L the letter

[52:59] or E-L-L-E?

[53:00] E-L-L-E.

[53:01] Like the magazine.

[53:03] L.

[53:04] Okay, sure.

[53:05] Okay.

[53:06] There's also an L magazine

[53:07] in New York City.

[53:09] Like L Woods,

[53:10] star of Legally Blonde,

[53:12] let's say.

[53:12] Okay.

[53:14] Wait, what?

Stuart Wellington

[53:15] I thought her name

[53:16] was just L, period.

[53:18] Oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[53:19] E-L-L-E.

[53:20] Okay.

[53:20] Kennedy.

[53:20] Kennedy, like the president.

[53:22] For romance novels.

[53:23] Yeah.

[53:24] For all your romance novels needs.

[53:27] Thank you for everybody

[53:27] for writing in.

[53:28] Oh, are there more letters?

[53:28] There's one more letter

[53:29] for the evening.

[53:30] And it's titled

[53:31] Good Directors, Bad Movies.

[53:33] It's from Andrew,

[53:34] last name withheld.

[53:35] He writes...

[53:35] Zimmern of Bizarre Foods.

[53:37] Dear Housecat et al.

[53:40] Listening to the Paperboy episode

[53:41] got me thinking about

[53:42] one of my favorite directors.

[53:44] No, not Lee Daniels.

[53:46] Daniel Lee.

[53:47] I'm a huge Pedro Almodovar fan,

[53:49] and the idea of him

[53:51] almost directing

[53:51] a trashy American knockoff

[53:53] of his other work

[53:53] is weirdly upsetting to me.

[53:55] I feel like an Almodovar

[53:57] Paperboy would have been so bad

[53:58] it could have made me

[53:59] love all of his movies

[54:00] a lot less.

[54:01] Suddenly I'd be re-watching

[54:02] Bad Education

[54:03] or Talk to Her,

[54:04] and I'd just imagine

[54:05] the whole thing in English

[54:06] with mumbly accents,

[54:07] weird camera dissolves,

[54:09] and Gail Garcia Bernal

[54:10] getting peed on.

Elliott Kalan

[54:11] Has a director...

[54:12] That would have been

[54:13] a much better scene.

Dan McCoy

[54:14] Has a director ever made

[54:15] a movie or run of movies

[54:16] that such a grotesque

[54:17] self-parody

[54:18] that it made his

[54:19] or her earlier

[54:20] better films

[54:21] seem so much worse

[54:23] to you in retrospect?

[54:24] A common example

[54:25] of this might be

[54:25] Wes Anderson

[54:26] before he won most people

[54:27] back with Moonrise Kingdom

[54:28] or Woody Allen

[54:29] at various points

[54:30] in his career.

Elliott Kalan

[54:31] I feel like Woody Allen

[54:32] is a go-to

[54:32] and another one

[54:33] is Steven Spielberg

[54:34] where some of his

[54:35] recent movies

[54:36] have just been not...

[54:37] He set such a high standard

[54:38] with a lot of his

[54:39] earlier movies

[54:40] and his more recent ones

[54:41] are so mixed

[54:42] and uneven.

[54:44] Yeah, I mean,

[54:44] I don't know that there's...

[54:45] But I don't know

[54:45] that I like his older ones

[54:47] less as a result.

Dan McCoy

[54:48] It's hard to think

[54:49] of a director

[54:49] where the problem

[54:50] is that his movies

[54:52] are such a grotesque

[54:54] parody of themselves

[54:55] that they make you

[54:56] like his earlier movies

[54:57] less.

[54:58] I mean,

[54:58] I don't have that feeling

[54:59] with Wes Anderson.

[55:01] I can understand

[55:02] that kind of criticism

[55:03] more with him.

[55:04] It's more that

[55:05] often,

[55:06] you know,

[55:07] directors only have

[55:08] a certain number

[55:09] of good movies

[55:09] in them sometimes.

[55:11] Like,

[55:11] no one bats,

[55:12] you know,

[55:13] 100%.

[55:14] That was a terrible,

[55:16] I don't know how

[55:17] to use sports metaphors.

Elliott Kalan

[55:18] No, no, yeah,

[55:18] they bat 100%.

[55:20] But no one,

[55:20] you know,

[55:21] like no one,

[55:21] no one's...

Dan McCoy

[55:21] It's the best record

[55:22] in baseball.

[55:22] Is that a possible

[55:23] thing to have

[55:24] is 100% of something?

[55:26] No one's great

[55:26] all the time.

[55:27] Wait a minute,

Dan McCoy

[55:27] I don't even think

[55:27] that's likely.

[55:28] I mean,

[55:28] like,

[55:29] I tried to watch

[55:30] Alfred Hitchcock's

[55:31] Topaz recently

[55:32] and I could not

[55:33] get through it.

[55:34] I literally had to stop.

[55:34] There's one good sequence

[55:35] in that and it's not very,

Elliott Kalan

[55:36] it's the rest

[55:36] is not very good.

[55:37] Nobody,

[55:38] I mean,

[55:38] there's the only

[55:39] directors you could say

[55:40] have all good movies

[55:41] are the ones that like

[55:42] died young,

[55:44] basically,

[55:44] yeah.

[55:45] But even like,

[55:47] you got guys like

[55:47] Francis Ford Coppola

[55:48] who made some of

[55:49] the best movies ever,

[55:50] like The Godfather

[55:51] is arguably

[55:51] the best movie

[55:53] ever.

[55:54] And The Conversation

[55:55] is amazing.

[55:57] Apocalypse Now

[55:57] is amazing,

[55:58] but then he made

[55:58] a lot of movies

[55:59] like Jack

[55:59] that are not so amazing.

[56:01] Bram Stoker's Dracula.

[56:02] Bram Stoker's Dracula,

[56:04] which is one he put

[56:04] a lot of work into too.

[56:06] Like,

[56:06] that was not a work

[56:06] for a higher job.

Dan McCoy

[56:07] But also,

[56:08] like,

[56:08] there are directors

[56:09] like Tim Burton

[56:09] who,

[56:10] like,

[56:11] their work has

[56:12] curdled.

[56:13] Oh yeah,

[56:13] that's my answer,

Stuart Wellington

[56:14] Tim Burton.

[56:15] Well,

Elliott Kalan

[56:15] but he's,

[56:15] the thing with Tim Burton,

[56:16] that's maybe,

[56:17] you're right,

[56:17] that's the one where

[56:17] the deficiencies

[56:19] of his later work

[56:20] show up the weaknesses

[56:21] of his earlier work

[56:22] because he's such a

[56:23] good visual stylist

[56:25] but he's not a great

[56:27] style got boring.

[56:29] It was like,

[56:29] oh,

[56:30] wait a minute.

Dan McCoy

[56:31] Now that,

[56:31] sort of a breathtaking

[56:32] visual style

[56:33] is so easy to achieve

[56:34] with CGI

[56:35] and it becomes

[56:37] dull,

[56:38] like,

[56:38] what was once

[56:40] idiosyncratic

[56:40] as mainstream

[56:41] and he hasn't

[56:42] moved past it,

[56:43] like,

[56:43] something like

[56:43] Alice in Wonderland

[56:44] is nothing but visuals

[56:46] but they're all kind of,

[56:47] like,

[56:48] ugly,

[56:48] samey CGI visuals.

[56:50] Well,

Stuart Wellington

[56:50] and especially

[56:51] when you've influenced

[56:52] so many young directors.

[56:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:54] Well,

[56:55] when so much

[56:56] of the goth movement

[56:57] feels like it comes

[56:58] out of his designs,

[57:00] you know.

[57:00] Yep.

[57:01] Like,

[57:01] Robert Smith and Tim Burton.

[57:02] Pretty much,

[57:03] yeah.

[57:03] I feel like,

[57:04] I feel like Robert Smith

[57:05] and Edward Scissorhands

[57:06] are basically where

[57:07] that comes from

[57:08] and,

[57:09] like,

[57:09] once everything

[57:10] looks like that,

[57:11] you know,

[57:11] it's,

[57:11] it loses its,

[57:12] its uniqueness.

[57:14] Mm-hmm.

[57:15] But a lot of his earlier stuff,

[57:16] when you go back,

[57:17] like,

[57:17] Beetlejuice is still great.

[57:19] Yeah.

[57:19] You look back and look like

[57:20] the Batman movies he did

[57:21] are not very good,

[57:22] you know.

Dan McCoy

[57:22] But the best stuff

[57:23] from his early career,

[57:24] I think,

[57:25] is the craziest.

[57:25] The stuff where

[57:26] there is no kind of

[57:28] rational design to it,

[57:29] it is really just

[57:30] his brain spilling out

[57:31] in a movie.

[57:33] Mm-hmm.

[57:33] Like Beetlejuice

[57:34] or something,

[57:36] I mean,

[57:37] like,

[57:37] there's less Tim Burton

[57:38] necessarily as the

[57:39] auteur of it,

[57:40] but,

[57:40] like,

[57:41] Pee-wee's Big Adventure

[57:41] is a great clash

[57:43] between his sensibility

[57:44] and Paul Reuben's

[57:45] sensibility,

[57:46] and that's,

[57:46] And it works really well.

[57:47] It's amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[57:48] And for a long time,

[57:49] I would have said

[57:49] that the Coen brothers

[57:50] had pretty much as close

[57:51] to a perfect record

[57:52] as anybody else,

[57:53] but then they kind of

[57:54] had a run of stinkers

[57:55] just a couple in a row

[57:56] and that was enough

[57:57] to throw it off,

[57:58] you know.

[57:58] But they're still,

[58:00] as far as,

[58:01] they're still got

[58:02] one of the higher averages,

[58:03] I would think.

Dan McCoy

[58:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:05] Probably the highest average

[58:07] would be

[58:08] John Vigo.

[58:10] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[58:10] I was going to say

[58:11] Stuart Gordon.

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] Oh, yeah,

[58:13] or,

[58:13] sure,

[58:13] Stuart Gordon too.

[58:14] I mean,

[58:15] I mean,

[58:15] that's a thousand percent.

Dan McCoy

[58:17] But,

[58:17] like,

[58:18] guys who made,

[58:18] like,

[58:18] a movie.

[58:19] Three movies.

[58:21] Or,

[58:22] like,

[58:22] wait,

[58:22] John Vigo is basically,

[58:23] like,

[58:24] one full movie

[58:24] and a couple of shorts.

[58:25] And a couple of shorts.

Elliott Kalan

[58:26] Like,

[58:26] that's a pretty good way

[58:27] to keep your average up

[58:29] is to make a bunch

[58:29] of good movies like that

[58:30] and then die.

Dan McCoy

[58:31] So this is the last segment

[58:33] on the podcast

[58:34] where we recommend something

Elliott Kalan

[58:36] that you might like to watch.

[58:38] What about the one where we...

[58:39] In contrast to what we watched.

[58:41] What about the segment

[58:41] where we create a resolution

[58:43] to become better people

[58:44] for the next episode

[58:45] and then the next episode

[58:46] we report on it?

[58:47] That's been cut.

[58:48] Oh, boy.

[58:49] So we're just jerks again,

[58:50] huh?

[58:50] Woo!

Stuart Wellington

[58:52] You're off the chain.

[58:53] Elliot off the chain.

[58:55] Starfucker.

[58:56] Elliot unchained.

[58:57] Coming this May.

[58:58] Starfucker.

[58:58] Rated R.

Elliott Kalan

[59:00] Rated NC70.

[59:01] 2017.

[59:03] They brought back

[59:03] the X rating for it.

[59:05] Oh, wow.

[59:05] And it's on TV?

[59:07] It's on ABC Family, yeah.

[59:08] Oh, okay.

[59:09] It's very strange,

[59:10] but, you know,

[59:10] they put up the money.

[59:11] I think it's weird.

Stuart Wellington

[59:12] Did they say ABC Family

[59:13] because they want

[59:14] the whole family

[59:15] to be there or...?

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] Because it's...

[59:17] Actually,

[59:17] the original name

[59:18] of the channel

[59:18] was ABC Head of the Family.

[59:20] Oh, whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[59:21] I'm listening.

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] But unfortunately,

[59:24] too many people

[59:24] messed with the head

[59:25] and you know

[59:25] what happens then.

[59:27] There's too much

Dan McCoy

[59:28] new Jacqueline Lavelle

[59:29] and the FCC

[59:30] shut it down.

[59:31] And too much new

[59:31] Jack London.

Elliott Kalan

[59:33] Yep.

[59:33] Anyway,

[59:33] so what's this segment

[59:34] about?

[59:34] This segment

Dan McCoy

[59:35] is recommendations.

[59:37] Usually a contrast

[59:38] to the movie we watched,

[59:40] but in a...

[59:40] So turn off

[59:41] your listening device.

[59:42] In a week

[59:42] where we watched

[59:42] Stolen,

[59:43] I don't know

[59:44] if there's a better movie

[59:45] that we can recommend,

[59:46] but we'll try.

[59:47] I think, yeah,

[59:47] we probably can find

[59:48] a better movie.

Stuart Wellington

[59:49] Stu Rat,

[59:50] what do you have?

[59:51] Okay.

[59:52] This might be a little

[59:53] contentious.

[59:55] You guys all know me.

[59:57] I'm a bit of a,

[59:58] what they might call

[59:59] a gore hound.

[1:00:00] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:01] I'm actually,

[1:00:02] I'm going to recommend

[1:00:03] a movie titled

[1:00:04] Universal Soldier,

[1:00:07] Day of Reckoning.

[1:00:08] I think the like

[1:00:09] seventh movie

[1:00:10] in the Universal Soldier

[1:00:11] series.

[1:00:12] Based on the song

[1:00:13] of the same name.

[1:00:13] I'm already expecting

[1:00:14] big fans of the

[1:00:16] Unisol mythos

[1:00:17] to be writing in

[1:00:18] as we speak.

[1:00:19] Unisol?

[1:00:20] It sounds like

[1:00:20] an all-purpose cleaner.

[1:00:21] I know, right?

[1:00:22] But that's what it's called.

[1:00:24] So Universal Soldier,

[1:00:25] Day of Reckoning,

[1:00:26] it's a later sequel.

[1:00:29] It does have

[1:00:30] Jean-Claude Van Damme,

[1:00:31] Dolph Lundgren,

[1:00:32] and some other dudes in it.

[1:00:34] So just the two of them?

[1:00:35] Wait, real quick.

[1:00:36] This is a movie that,

[1:00:37] let's see,

[1:00:40] Uptal Das,

[1:00:41] a user of IMDb,

[1:00:43] described as

[1:00:44] not Universal Soldier,

[1:00:46] avoid at all costs.

[1:00:48] And another one,

[1:00:49] Dan Cardozo underscore 22 says,

[1:00:52] let me just say,

[1:00:52] this is in fact

[1:00:53] the worst Universal Soldier movie

[1:00:55] ever.

[1:00:55] Wait, but somehow

[1:00:56] you liked it.

[1:00:57] Glowing recommendations.

[1:00:59] No, it's actually pretty good.

[1:01:00] It's a movie that

[1:01:02] like plays around

[1:01:04] with the,

[1:01:05] like, I guess the background.

[1:01:07] It's surprisingly,

[1:01:08] well, it's very violent.

[1:01:09] It's always,

[1:01:10] the original Universal Soldier

[1:01:11] was kind of a,

[1:01:13] a fun sci-fi action,

[1:01:15] almost horror movie.

[1:01:17] Like a romp.

[1:01:18] Yeah.

[1:01:19] With a,

[1:01:20] with a breakout performance

[1:01:21] by a young kid

[1:01:22] named Dolph Lundgren.

[1:01:24] Not at all.

[1:01:25] But, um,

[1:01:26] this,

[1:01:27] this latest Universal Soldier movie,

[1:01:28] uh,

[1:01:29] it kind of feels

[1:01:30] a little bit like

[1:01:31] if, uh,

[1:01:31] Universal Soldier,

[1:01:33] uh,

[1:01:34] maybe one,

[1:01:34] uh,

[1:01:35] Lost Highway

[1:01:35] or another David Lynch movie

[1:01:37] and the Raid

[1:01:38] colon Redemption

[1:01:39] managed to have

[1:01:41] some kind of weird baby.

[1:01:42] Uh,

[1:01:43] the action's really

[1:01:44] horrific and violent

[1:01:45] and, uh,

[1:01:47] there's a lot of weird

[1:01:47] slow moments

[1:01:48] that, uh,

[1:01:49] take on almost

[1:01:50] a dreamlike quality

[1:01:51] and it's got a very,

[1:01:52] uh,

[1:01:53] very low budget,

[1:01:53] uh,

[1:01:54] but it manages to be,

[1:01:55] if anything,

[1:01:56] kind of interesting

[1:01:57] and for me,

[1:01:58] it works almost like

[1:01:59] a metaphor

[1:01:59] for violent action movies

[1:02:01] in general.

[1:02:02] So,

[1:02:02] check it out

[1:02:03] if you're looking

[1:02:03] for a super weird,

[1:02:05] super gory

[1:02:06] and violent movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:08] Um,

[1:02:09] I'm gonna break

[1:02:09] with the rules

[1:02:10] because I haven't seen

[1:02:11] movies that I enjoyed

[1:02:13] since our last taping.

[1:02:15] So,

[1:02:16] I'm just gonna say...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:16] Is that because they were

[1:02:17] bad movies

[1:02:17] or because you are

[1:02:18] a curmudgeon?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:19] Probably both.

[1:02:20] Oh, okay.

[1:02:21] But, uh,

[1:02:21] I watched a couple

[1:02:22] of pilots

[1:02:23] that I enjoyed.

[1:02:24] So,

[1:02:24] I'm gonna recommend

[1:02:25] a couple of

[1:02:26] television shows.

[1:02:27] I don't know

[1:02:27] whether they're gonna

[1:02:28] maintain,

[1:02:29] but I enjoyed

[1:02:30] the first episode.

[1:02:31] I watched,

[1:02:32] uh,

[1:02:33] Hannibal.

[1:02:35] Okay.

[1:02:35] Um,

[1:02:36] everyone's mad about Mads.

[1:02:38] Everybody is mad

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:39] about Mads.

[1:02:40] Um,

[1:02:40] it's hard not to be.

[1:02:41] Look at him

[1:02:42] with those

[1:02:42] chiseled Danish looks.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:44] It had a lot of the,

[1:02:46] uh,

[1:02:46] sort of serial killer

[1:02:47] bullshit that normally

[1:02:48] bothers me.

[1:02:49] Uh,

[1:02:50] namely a profiler

[1:02:51] who walks into

[1:02:52] a scene of the crime

[1:02:53] and, uh,

[1:02:54] basically knows

[1:02:55] what happened immediately.

[1:02:56] But somehow made that...

[1:02:57] This was some kind

[1:02:57] of Valhalla rising

[1:02:58] in here.

[1:02:59] But it somehow

[1:03:00] made that character

[1:03:01] work by making him

[1:03:02] more of a,

[1:03:03] uh,

[1:03:04] damaged live wire,

[1:03:07] uh,

[1:03:08] like,

[1:03:09] empathetic to the point

[1:03:10] of having trouble

[1:03:12] surviving in the world

[1:03:13] character.

[1:03:15] Um,

[1:03:15] and,

[1:03:16] uh,

[1:03:16] it genuinely felt

[1:03:18] creepy in the way

[1:03:19] that a serial killer

[1:03:20] entertainment hasn't

[1:03:21] done in a while.

[1:03:21] and I also enjoyed

[1:03:23] a BBC American show

[1:03:24] by the name of

[1:03:25] Orphan Black

[1:03:26] about a woman

[1:03:27] who encounters

[1:03:29] a, uh,

[1:03:30] her exact double

[1:03:31] on a subway platform

[1:03:33] right before she

[1:03:33] commits suicide.

[1:03:35] The double or her?

[1:03:36] Um,

[1:03:36] the double commits suicide.

[1:03:37] Oh.

[1:03:38] And she steps

[1:03:39] into the devil's life

[1:03:40] because of problems

[1:03:41] in her own,

[1:03:41] uh,

[1:03:42] existence

[1:03:42] and soon finds

[1:03:44] that she's at the

[1:03:45] center of some sort

[1:03:47] of weird conspiracy

[1:03:48] and she has

[1:03:49] twice the problems

[1:03:50] she had before.

[1:03:51] Uh,

[1:03:52] and it's a fun show.

[1:03:53] So those are the two

[1:03:54] that I would recommend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:55] So Hannibal and Orphan Black?

[1:03:56] Yeah.

[1:03:57] And I'm going to

[1:03:58] recommend a movie

[1:03:59] that I saw and liked

[1:04:00] because this is a movie

[1:04:01] podcast.

[1:04:02] Thanks for clarifying.

[1:04:03] I thought we were,

[1:04:04] this was, uh,

[1:04:04] what, the boob tube?

[1:04:05] The tube cast.

[1:04:07] Uh, the tube house.

[1:04:08] Uh, which is actually

[1:04:10] about tube tops.

[1:04:11] Tube tops.

[1:04:11] We love them,

[1:04:12] you wear them,

[1:04:13] let's talk.

[1:04:14] The tube house.

[1:04:15] Bare shoulders,

[1:04:17] thumbs up.

[1:04:18] I'm going to recommend

[1:04:19] a documentary movie.

[1:04:21] This is a real life movie.

[1:04:22] Okay.

[1:04:23] Kind of.

[1:04:24] It's called Room 237

[1:04:25] and it's gotten

[1:04:26] a little bit of buzz.

[1:04:28] It's a documentary

[1:04:28] about the movie.

[1:04:29] Because it's about bees.

[1:04:30] It's called

[1:04:31] a bee story.

[1:04:32] It's called a bee movie.

[1:04:34] Uh, Room 237

[1:04:35] is a documentary

[1:04:35] about The Shining.

[1:04:37] Uh, but not about

[1:04:38] the making of the movie.

[1:04:40] It's about,

[1:04:41] there's five different people

[1:04:42] whose interpretations

[1:04:43] of the film

[1:04:44] are gone into

[1:04:45] in great detail.

[1:04:48] And their interpretations

[1:04:49] are, to say the least,

[1:04:51] wrong.

[1:04:52] Uh, and they range

[1:04:53] from the semi-plausible

[1:04:54] that the movie

[1:04:55] is a metaphor

[1:04:56] for either the Holocaust

[1:04:57] or the killing

[1:04:58] of the Native Americans

[1:04:59] by the American government

[1:05:00] to the very implausible

[1:05:02] that this is the movie

[1:05:03] that Stanley Kubrick

[1:05:04] made to reveal

[1:05:06] to the world

[1:05:06] that he faked

[1:05:07] the moon landing

[1:05:07] or this one woman

[1:05:09] who just kind of

[1:05:10] says stuff about

[1:05:10] minotaurs

[1:05:11] and children

[1:05:12] that don't really

[1:05:12] make any sense.

[1:05:13] Uh, but what the movie

[1:05:15] is really about

[1:05:16] and you don't,

[1:05:17] there's no narration,

[1:05:17] the only narration

[1:05:18] in this movie

[1:05:19] is from the people

[1:05:19] telling their theories.

[1:05:21] You don't see them

[1:05:22] on screen.

[1:05:22] All the footage

[1:05:23] from the movie

[1:05:24] is either taken

[1:05:25] from The Shining

[1:05:26] or other movies

[1:05:27] and there's a little bit

[1:05:27] that I think was shot

[1:05:28] for this film

[1:05:29] in a movie theater.

[1:05:31] But for the most part

[1:05:32] it's all footage

[1:05:33] that's been edited

[1:05:34] and slowed down

[1:05:36] or reversed

[1:05:36] or looped

[1:05:37] and it's a really

[1:05:39] fascinating movie

[1:05:39] about how people

[1:05:41] can take a movie

[1:05:42] like The Shining

[1:05:43] and read so much

[1:05:44] into it

[1:05:45] and devote so much

[1:05:45] of their time

[1:05:46] and energy

[1:05:46] to puzzling out

[1:05:48] what they assume

[1:05:49] are very deliberate

[1:05:50] hidden meanings

[1:05:51] put there

[1:05:52] by this godlike director

[1:05:53] Stanley Kubrick

[1:05:54] who has control

[1:05:55] over every detail

[1:05:56] on screen

[1:05:57] at any given moment

[1:05:58] and every single instance

[1:06:00] of anything in the movie

[1:06:01] and just kind of

[1:06:02] a fascinating look

[1:06:02] at how people

[1:06:03] wrap themselves up

[1:06:04] in a film

[1:06:04] and get lost in it.

[1:06:05] And the way

[1:06:06] that it's edited

[1:06:06] I thought was really interesting

[1:06:08] and seems to me

[1:06:09] one of the few documentaries

[1:06:10] I've seen

[1:06:11] in a movie theater

[1:06:12] that felt like

[1:06:13] it had taken the lessons

[1:06:14] of the documentaries

[1:06:15] you see on like YouTube

[1:06:16] where they will

[1:06:17] replay footage

[1:06:18] where they'll zoom in

[1:06:19] on things

[1:06:20] where they'll like

[1:06:20] create computer models

[1:06:23] that fit the footage

[1:06:23] like all sorts

[1:06:24] of different things

[1:06:25] and the music in it

[1:06:26] sounds like

[1:06:26] the kind of music

[1:06:27] that John Carpenter

[1:06:28] writes for his movies

[1:06:29] with like a lot of

[1:06:30] keyboard and stuff

[1:06:31] and synthesizer.

[1:06:32] It's all super awesome.

[1:06:33] So the whole thing

[1:06:34] it's really good

[1:06:34] and it creates

[1:06:35] this kind of hypnotic spell

[1:06:37] all around The Shining

[1:06:38] this movie that

[1:06:39] is basically like

[1:06:40] a good kind of

[1:06:41] high class horror movie

[1:06:42] and at the end

[1:06:43] it feels like

[1:06:44] these people are trying

[1:06:44] to rationalize themselves

[1:06:45] why they like this movie

[1:06:47] that like

[1:06:47] they can't like a movie

[1:06:49] that has a bunch

[1:06:49] of skeletons in it

[1:06:50] and an elevator

[1:06:51] full of blood

[1:06:51] there must be

[1:06:52] some deeper meaning

[1:06:53] to it

[1:06:53] and they seem

[1:06:54] to be kind of

[1:06:55] fooling themselves

[1:06:56] in ever descending circles.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:57] Why don't they just

[1:06:58] ask Stanley Kubrick

[1:06:59] to explain it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:00] Well he died

[1:07:00] about 20 years ago

[1:07:02] and everyone

[1:07:03] who knew Stanley Kubrick

[1:07:04] who was

[1:07:05] yes

[1:07:05] and everyone

[1:07:06] since then

[1:07:07] since the movie came out

[1:07:08] everyone who was

[1:07:09] involved in The Shining

[1:07:09] seems to be saying

[1:07:10] this is total crap

[1:07:11] none of these things

[1:07:12] these people are saying

[1:07:13] are true

[1:07:13] but the point of it

[1:07:14] is not whether

[1:07:15] these theories are

[1:07:16] someone got to them

[1:07:16] yeah

[1:07:17] Stanley Kubrick's ghost

[1:07:18] Stanley Bubrick

[1:07:19] wait a minute

[1:07:21] he's got boobs

[1:07:22] no no

[1:07:23] boo

[1:07:23] I like the idea

[1:07:24] of this ghost

Dan McCoy

[1:07:25] he's a ghost

[1:07:26] he's not

[1:07:26] the chestiest ghost

[1:07:28] around

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:29] no

[1:07:29] but it's

[1:07:30] it's a really

[1:07:31] fascinating movie

[1:07:32] and a really hypnotic

[1:07:33] and it made me

[1:07:33] really want to watch

[1:07:34] The Shining again

[1:07:34] which honestly

[1:07:35] is not a feeling

[1:07:36] I've had in

[1:07:37] 11 years

[1:07:38] so

[1:07:39] it was really good

[1:07:40] I recommend it

[1:07:40] Room 237

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:42] well guys

[1:07:43] so a couple of

[1:07:44] solid recommendations

[1:07:45] yep

[1:07:46] you mean you guys

[1:07:48] right

[1:07:48] because you're mad at me

[1:07:49] for

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:50] no we're not mad

[1:07:51] we're maybe a little

[1:07:52] mads about you

[1:07:52] we are mads about you

[1:07:54] Dan

[1:07:54] not as mad as we are

[1:07:55] about mads

[1:07:56] but we're mads about

[1:07:58] McCoy

[1:07:58] yep

Dan McCoy

[1:07:58] same way

[1:08:00] Helen Hunt

[1:08:02] was mads about

[1:08:03] Paul Reiser

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:04] except

[1:08:04] let's just keep going

[1:08:06] well

Dan McCoy

[1:08:08] you know

[1:08:09] whenever we talk

[1:08:12] about a Nicolas Cage

[1:08:12] film

[1:08:13] it's like Christmas

[1:08:14] but Christmas

[1:08:15] has to end

[1:08:16] does it

[1:08:17] and so does

[1:08:17] the Flophouse

[1:08:18] wait are you

[1:08:20] breaking up with us

[1:08:20] is this the last episode

[1:08:21] are you dumping us

[1:08:23] are you dumping us

[1:08:26] from now on

[1:08:29] I'm in love with

[1:08:30] how did this get made

[1:08:31] wait

[1:08:32] what

[1:08:33] is this a bit

[1:08:34] for the Flophouse

[1:08:36] I've been Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:38] okay

[1:08:39] I guess I'm

[1:08:40] Stuart Wellington

[1:08:41] and I'm Elliot Kalin

[1:08:42] the end

[1:08:43] question mark

[1:08:44] goodnight everyone

[1:08:46] goodnight

[1:08:47] what

[1:08:49] I didn't know you had

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:04] the hazing on DVD

[1:09:05] awesome

Dan McCoy

[1:09:06] that's a relatively

[1:09:07] recent development

[1:09:08] that is an awesome

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:09] purchase

[1:09:09] awesome

[1:09:10] for lovers of

[1:09:11] pumpkin butts

[1:09:12] and Brad Dourif

[1:09:13] sounds like a character

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:14] from a James Bond movie

[1:09:15] awesome purchase

[1:09:16] I don't even

[1:09:17] pumpkin butt

[1:09:17] we haven't talked

[1:09:18] about Tiffany

[1:09:18] Sheffes' pumpkin butt

[1:09:19] in a long time

[1:09:20] oh pumpkin butt

[1:09:24] I knew you were

[1:09:24] behind this

[1:09:25] I detected your

Dan McCoy

[1:09:28] foul stench

[1:09:29] when I got on

[1:09:29] wait

[1:09:29] hold on

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:30] why is James Bond

[1:09:31] talking like

[1:09:32] Princess Leia

Dan McCoy

[1:09:32] the game's over

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:36] is that what

[1:09:38] they call me

[1:09:39] that's so hurtful

The Flop House: Episode #124 - Stolen

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