The Flop House: Episode #126 - Playing for Keeps

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Sure, Nicolas Cage is great, but wither Gerard Butler.

[0:04] In this episode, we discuss playing for keeps.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:34] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:35] Hey, what's going on, Dan McCoy?

[0:37] I am Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:39] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[0:41] Oh, no kidding.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] Guess what?

[0:42] We're the hosts of the Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] The Flophouse podcast, I hear.

[0:45] Three amigos.

[0:46] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] Copyright?

[0:48] Copyright us right now.

[0:50] No rights reserved.

[0:51] Anyone can use it.

[0:52] It's a wiki.

[0:53] Yep, Creative Commons license.

[0:55] Public domain.

Stuart Wellington

[0:57] It just means friends, am I right?

[0:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] Trace friendos.

[1:02] Why?

[1:03] Amigos is already Spanish.

[1:05] I don't know why.

[1:07] So.

[1:08] Trois amis.

[1:09] Mm-hmm.

[1:10] The Flophouse is a podcast.

[1:13] Yep.

[1:14] You probably know that because you're listening to it on your iPhone or your expired Zoom or your droid.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22] Your computer, anything that streams audio or downloads it.

Dan McCoy

[1:25] But we talk about bad movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:29] Tonight we watched a little film.

[1:31] Every time we do the Flophouse, you explain what the podcast is.

[1:34] And the more we do it, the less you seem to know ahead of time what the podcast is.

[1:38] The more you talk as if you're making it up as you go along.

Dan McCoy

[1:41] We've been doing this for like six years now.

[1:43] I just really hate resetting the show.

[1:45] That's the thing.

[1:46] So do it fast.

[1:47] I know that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] It sounds like it's like you have killed someone and the police are asking you if you did it.

Dan McCoy

[1:54] And you're like, I was recording a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57] Well, what's the podcast?

[1:58] It's called the Flophouse.

[2:01] And it's about bad movies.

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:05] Bad movies.

[2:06] I don't know about this shit, punk.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07] Tell us how you did it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] I swear.

[2:09] I was podcasting.

[2:10] You were listening to it on your iPod.

Stuart Wellington

[2:14] Or what have you.

[2:15] Or what have you.

[2:16] Overhearing it from some guy on the train.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] All right.

[2:19] His alibi makes sense.

[2:20] Yeah.

[2:21] Story checks out.

[2:22] Let him back.

[2:24] Release him.

[2:25] Let him back?

[2:26] That's what the police say.

[2:27] Spent a lot of time in police departments.

[2:29] That's police jargon.

[2:30] Dan's does a lot of ride-alongs.

[2:33] I'm writing a Law & Order SVU spec script right now.

[2:36] I don't think they chose Harley anymore.

[2:39] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[2:39] Let him back, copo.

[2:41] We don't have enough evidence.

Elliott Kalan

Stuart Wellington

[2:43] The pervazoid was the culprit all along.

[2:46] It's SVU.

[2:47] Yeah.

[2:48] That's how it works.

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] Freeze.

[2:50] You're over arrest.

[2:52] That's what they say, right?

[2:54] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] So this is the Flophouse.

[2:59] We've established that.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] We watch a bad movie, then we talk about it, which you're listening to right now.

[3:02] But the show is just us talking about it.

[3:04] It's not us watching it.

[3:05] That would be crazy.

[3:06] No.

[3:06] You don't get to hear the audio from the movie, and you don't get to see the video.

[3:09] You don't get any eye clips.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] You just have this, what we're saying now.

[3:13] It sounds horrible.

[3:13] No sound effects.

[3:14] You turn off a piece of somebody's eye.

[3:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:16] No, nothing.

[3:17] So Dan, what movie did we watch this time?

Dan McCoy

[3:19] We watched a film called Playing for Keeps with Flophouse favorite Gerard Butler.

[3:24] And Flophouse favorite Jessica Biel.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] Yeah, I believe Playing for Keeps is the sequel to Playing for Keeps.

[3:30] No, there is.

[3:31] And the prequel to Playing for Keeps.

[3:34] That's a little, it's a running Flophouse gag.

[3:36] Anyway, Playing for Keeps stars Gerard Butler.

[3:38] And it was directed by another Flophouse fave.

[3:41] Oh, that's right.

[3:41] The director of Seven Pounds.

[3:43] Seven Pounds.

[3:44] The movie that promised a Batman villain it didn't provide.

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:48] His name, Seven Pounds.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] Barely delivered on its Will Smith promise either.

Elliott Kalan

[3:53] Not yet.

[3:53] Well, no, he's in the movie.

[3:54] Wait, really?

Stuart Wellington

[3:55] I thought that was a jellyfish.

[3:57] No, the jellyfish is also.

[3:58] Let's watch Seven Pounds again.

[3:59] No.

[4:01] So, Playing for Keeps.

[4:03] Playing for Keeps.

[4:03] Gerard Butler.

[4:04] You might remember him from the movie Gamer.

[4:06] Or the movie Law-Abiding Citizen.

Dan McCoy

[4:08] Or the movie The Ugly Truth.

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] Truth.

[4:11] The Ugly Truth, yeah.

[4:12] Don't know what that was.

[4:14] Yeah.

[4:14] The movie The Ugly Trafe about an Orthodox Jew who decides to go non-kosher for Lent even

[4:19] though he's Jewish.

[4:20] So, why would he celebrate Lent?

Stuart Wellington

[4:22] An amazing accent he delivers in that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:24] Yeah, he's a Scottish Yiddish character.

[4:29] So, anyway, Playing for Keeps.

[4:31] Yeah.

[4:31] Should we go over what this movie's about?

[4:33] Football.

[4:33] It's about love.

[4:35] It's about soccer.

[4:36] It's about trust.

[4:37] It's about fast cars, fast women, and fast food.

Stuart Wellington

[4:40] And how to get your ex-girlfriend, who is your baby's mama, to...

[4:45] Ex-wife.

[4:45] Wait, really?

[4:46] They were married.

[4:47] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[4:47] It's a little film about how to make an American quilt.

[4:50] Wait, that...

Elliott Kalan

[4:51] It's a little movie about the knack and how to get it.

Dan McCoy

[4:55] It's a little movie about how to stop worrying and learn to love the bomb.

Elliott Kalan

[4:59] It's a little movie about...

[5:01] Who is Harry Nilsson?

[5:04] It's a movie called Who's Harry Crumb?

[5:09] And it finally answers the question, what about Bob?

Stuart Wellington

[5:14] The thing about Who's Harry Crumb, I never understood, is the real question is, how did he get outside that window?

[5:19] Yeah.

[5:20] What's he doing out there?

[5:21] That's crazy.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] Those giant fly suckers.

[5:24] But, no, this is a movie about a down-on-his-luck...

[5:27] Professional soccer player.

[5:28] Former pro soccer star played by Gerard the Butler.

Elliott Kalan

[5:32] Yeah, using his native Scottish accent for once.

[5:35] Except he did a thing that I feel like Scottish and Irish and English actors do in American movies,

[5:43] which is that they kind of slow down and it makes their accents sound really fakey.

[5:48] But I think it's just so that it's easier for them to be understood by Americans.

[5:51] Like, if you see From Hell, like, Robbie Coltrane seems to slow his accent down.

[5:57] So it sounds like he's doing a bad English accent.

Dan McCoy

[5:59] Are you sure that Robbie Coltrane and Gerard Butler aren't both drunk?

[6:04] That's also popular.

[6:05] That's also popular.

Stuart Wellington

[6:06] That's also possible.

[6:07] And popular.

[6:08] It's like how they had to slow down the film in Lethal Weapon 4 whenever Jet Li would do his martial arts stuff because he was too fast.

[6:14] Exactly, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:15] Too fast for the film to catch.

Stuart Wellington

[6:17] Too fast and too furious.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] Tokyo Drift.

[6:20] Although he's Chinese.

[6:22] You could go to Tokyo sometime.

[6:23] Yeah, I guess.

[6:24] It's close.

[6:24] I mean, it makes more sense than going to America.

Dan McCoy

[6:25] I would say that, I said this during the movie, I did like him better in his native Scots Burr, but, and I would have maybe liked him if his character...

[6:35] ATC member Bill Burr?

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:37] Yep.

[6:38] I would have liked him maybe if his character had any characteristics other than being a soccer player.

[6:43] He's handsome.

Elliott Kalan

[6:44] Let's explain.

[6:45] Yeah, he has two character traits.

[6:47] He's a soccer player and great abs.

[6:49] Mm-hmm.

[6:49] Now, he plays...

[6:50] And wavy hair.

[6:51] His name is, like, George Dreyer.

[6:54] That's what it is.

[6:55] George Dreyer, he's a former professional soccer player, now...

Dan McCoy

[6:57] Grandson of Carl Theodore Dreyer.

[7:00] Really?

[7:00] The Danish director?

[7:01] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] Wow.

[7:02] Director of Vampyr, Gertrude, The Passion of Joan of Arc.

[7:06] Mm-hmm.

[7:06] One of the greats of world cinema.

[7:08] Yeah.

[7:08] And his grandson was a Scottish soccer player.

[7:10] Yep.

[7:11] That's weird.

[7:11] How did it happen?

[7:12] It's weird the movie didn't touch on that, either.

[7:15] You would have thought that he'd walk by, like, a movie, a theater playing Ordet, and he'd be like, oh, yeah, my grandpa made that.

[7:20] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[7:21] Yeah, it's a story about faith.

[7:22] Never seen it.

[7:24] Looks boring, but...

Elliott Kalan

[7:25] Never seen it.

[7:26] I'm from Scotland.

[7:27] Yeah.

[7:27] This is how we talk over in Scotland, yeah, see?

[7:32] Oh, come, enjoy some more whiskey, see?

[7:35] Aberdeen, yeah.

[7:36] Have a little agus in your eye.

[7:38] Scarecrow.

Stuart Wellington

[7:40] I'll get what you guys are doing.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] Have a little whiskey, Scarecrow.

[7:42] Go up to the lock and see Nessie, yeah.

[7:44] Yeah, see?

[7:46] Go up to the north, see?

[7:48] Anyway, so he's a down-on-his-luck soccer player.

[7:52] He's divorced.

[7:53] He has a kid, but he's not good about seeing the kid.

[7:55] He's a bad dad, and we see him, he tries to...

[7:58] Original title for the film, right?

[7:59] Should have been called Bad Dad.

[8:00] Well, Soccer Dad, if this was an out-and-out comedy, the title would have been Soccer Dad.

[8:05] It's a play on soccer mom, you got your comedy title.

[8:08] But this is not a comedy, it just appears to be.

Stuart Wellington

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:11] Kind of like Lady Bugs.

[8:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:14] The tragedy of Lady Bugs.

[8:17] This is one of those movies that's like a mirage in the distance,

[8:21] and it looks like a comedy from far away.

[8:25] Oh, yeah, it looks hilarious.

[8:26] And then the closer you get, it's just like...

[8:27] It's, I guess, supposed to be like a Jerry Maguire or like a James L. Brooks type drama.

[8:34] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[8:34] Yeah, I'd like to talk about this maybe a little later once we get into the synopsis.

Elliott Kalan

[8:38] Okay, we'll do it quick.

[8:39] So he's down on his luck.

[8:41] He's ruined his marriage.

[8:43] He has a...

[8:43] Marriage to Jessica Biel.

[8:44] Marriage to Jessica Biel, also a Flophouse favorite.

[8:47] And his son, he's always missing stuff.

[8:50] And so he decides, I guess, out of nowhere to become a better dad.

[8:56] Like, he's just depressed.

[8:58] And he wants to be...

[8:59] He doesn't have any money.

[9:00] He wants to be a sports announcer.

[9:02] And so he tapes...

[9:02] Don't we all.

[9:03] An audition tape of himself.

[9:04] And he promises to take his son to soccer practice.

[9:07] And he's late.

[9:08] But then he finally gets him there.

[9:09] Turns out soccer practice is being taught by a big fat guy who's talking on his phone the whole time.

[9:14] Keeps telling the kids, kick with your toes.

[9:16] You gotta kick it with your toes.

[9:18] And Gerard Butler's horrified.

[9:20] It's like he's more horrified to see soccer taught badly than he would be to see his wife having sex with someone right in front of him.

[9:26] This is his mistress, soccer.

[9:28] And it's being abused by this charlatan, by this Philistine.

[9:32] This American cell phone user.

[9:35] So he steps in.

[9:36] He becomes the soccer coach.

[9:38] Big surprise.

[9:39] And he's become super popular, not just with the kids, because he's good at soccer and can teach him how to do it, but with the moms.

[9:45] It's Cougar Town.

[9:46] And so very quickly, Judy Greer, Catherine as a recently divorced woman who bursts into tears all the time.

[9:53] Catherine Zeta-Jones as a former sportscaster who dangles a professional career in front of Gerard Butler.

[9:59] And Uma Thurman as the wife of Dennis Quaid, who is a slimy businessman.

[10:05] They all take an interest in Gerard Butler.

Dan McCoy

[10:07] The hottest assortment of soccer moms.

[10:09] I think we talked about this before, but the MILF hunter needs to come in and thin that herd.

Elliott Kalan

[10:13] Yeah, we were talking about it pretty seriously, about a MILF hunter situation.

[10:16] It seems like the MILF territory is very overpopulated.

[10:19] And the problem is just that...

[10:20] It's for the health of the MILF.

[10:22] Yeah, there's not enough feed.

[10:24] There's not enough grazing for all those MILFs.

[10:26] The MILF hunter...

[10:27] I mean, do I want to see MILFs get taken away?

[10:31] Obviously not.

[10:32] But for the better of the group, you need the sicker and the older MILFs to be removed by a MILF hunter or even a MILF.

Dan McCoy

[10:38] I mean, the only food for the MILFs is Gerard Butler, obviously.

[10:43] And they have to fight over them.

Elliott Kalan

[10:44] Just watch it.

[10:45] There's a three...

[10:46] If you count Jessica Biel, a four MILFs for every one DILF...

[10:51] Yeah.

[10:52] I mean, I guess, yeah.

[10:53] ...in the community.

[10:53] Although, to be honest, Dennis Quaid is in pretty good shape.

[10:55] Yeah.

[10:56] Yeah, I mean, he's holding together.

Stuart Wellington

[10:58] He could have been the Gerard Butler character.

Elliott Kalan

[11:00] He would have been a lot better, frankly, in the lead.

[11:02] But he's a slimy business guy here.

[11:05] He's also the most charismatic and likable character in the whole film.

[11:07] Yeah.

[11:07] And he's cheating on his wife.

[11:09] Thrown his money around.

[11:10] He's thrown his money around.

[11:11] He gives Gerard Butler literally an envelope thick with hundreds.

[11:14] And later gives him a Ferrari.

[11:16] But he's like one of those guys who's so slimy that you're like,

[11:18] Oh, I gotta love him.

[11:19] He's so slimy.

[11:21] Because he's not hiding who he is.

[11:22] Now, Gerard Butler's whole past is he was a womanizer.

[11:26] And that's, I guess, what ruined his life and career.

[11:29] I'm not sure.

[11:30] He was stepping out on Jessica Biel.

[11:32] But they don't say anything about drug use or drinking.

[11:35] Sex can be a drug, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[11:37] I think this was...

[11:39] If Dennis Duchovny taught us nothing else.

[11:41] Dennis Duchovny?

[11:42] Dennis Duchovny.

[11:43] Is that David Duchovny's brother?

[11:45] Dennis Duchovny's brother.

[11:47] It's his sexual altering.

[11:48] Dennis the menace Duchovny.

Elliott Kalan

[11:49] Oh, so you say when he would pick up prostitutes or women, he'd say,

[11:52] My name's Dennis Duchovny.

[11:55] Really?

[11:55] Because you look like David Duchovny.

[11:57] No, no, no.

[11:57] My name's Dennis.

[11:58] People tell me that all the time.

[11:59] I'm his twin brother.

[12:01] Why do you have all this X-Files memorabilia?

[12:04] And your driver's license says David Duchovny.

[12:07] My brother David lent me his driver's license.

[12:09] I can't drive.

[12:10] Why are you driving then?

[12:12] Why do you have a picture in your wallet of you and Tay Leoni?

Stuart Wellington

[12:14] I love my sister-in-law.

[12:16] Why would he be showing, I guess, a prostitute or another woman his driver's license?

[12:21] Is it like to verify?

[12:23] Yeah.

[12:23] So she can use his credit card?

[12:25] That's the problem.

Elliott Kalan

[12:26] So he can write a check for her.

[12:29] And, of course, there's always their sister, Denise Duchovny, who's just David Duchovny with a wig on.

[12:34] Basically from Twin Peaks.

[12:35] Like he's all Twin Peaks.

[12:36] He was Denise Duchovny in Twin Peaks.

[12:38] So anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if an earlier version of this script had Gerard Butler as a much more, like, dissolute character.

[12:48] More of a womanizer.

[12:49] More of a, I don't know if you would have been like it.

[12:50] More of a cad.

[12:51] More of a cad, exactly.

[12:52] A blaggard, a bounder.

[12:53] You know, but instead he's just kind of like, comes off as like a bland teddy bear.

[13:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:00] He's like, oh man, life is really not turned out for me.

[13:04] But.

[13:05] Soccer player guy that I am.

Elliott Kalan

[13:06] I live in this guy's garage and always have a five o'clock shadow.

[13:11] Yeah.

[13:11] People, he shaves it, he uses one of those guards on the razor, so he just shaves it to a certain length.

[13:16] Well, you can do that?

[13:17] Yeah.

[13:18] Really?

[13:19] Yeah.

[13:19] Is that how you do it?

[13:21] Yes.

[13:21] No, I just don't shave for a week at a time.

[13:24] I call it the Gerard Butler.

[13:25] Yeah.

[13:26] So anyway, but his landlord will say like, where's the rent Gerard?

[13:30] Not Gerard, because that's not the character's name.

[13:31] Where's the rent Gerard?

[13:33] And he's like, I'll get it to you.

[13:34] But other than that, he doesn't seem to have any money problems.

[13:36] Like, I don't know how he, I assume, I assume he doesn't support his wife anymore, but, or his kid.

[13:42] But that's never touched on, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[13:44] Oh yeah.

[13:44] Because she probably makes a million dollars doing.

[13:47] Doing the job we never see her doing.

Elliott Kalan

[13:48] Yeah.

[13:49] That she can't leave town for.

[13:50] So anyway, but these ladies start to take an interest in him, and eventually, Judy Greer.

[13:54] Of course, he's the hot man meat on the block.

[13:56] Basically stalks him in the middle of the night, and comes to his house, and they do it.

[14:01] And then she is kind of gone from the movie for the most part.

Dan McCoy

[14:05] Well, she's fulfilled her destiny.

[14:07] But as a result, he's late.

Elliott Kalan

[14:09] As a result, he's late the next day for soccer practice, or taking his son somewhere, or something like that.

Stuart Wellington

[14:16] So by having sex with a woman, he actually has to pay consequences.

[14:20] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[14:21] It's like he's a bad dad, or something.

Elliott Kalan

[14:24] Well, he is a bad dad.

[14:25] They could have named the movie Bad Dad.

[14:27] They called it soccer dad.

[14:28] They should have called it soccer dad.

[14:30] But so then Catherine said, Jones says, hey, I saw your audition tape, and it's really good, but we can make a better one.

[14:37] Come to the TV studio with me.

[14:38] And he's like, oh, well, I'm supposed to spend time with my son today.

[14:41] Also, Dennis Quaid called him to bail him out of jail.

[14:44] So that's another reason he was –

[14:45] To bail Dennis Quaid out of jail.

[14:48] Do you have sex with Dennis Quaid?

[14:50] I have to assume off camera.

[14:51] Okay.

[14:52] Because Gerard Butler's just –

Dan McCoy

[14:53] Dennis Quaid was in jail for drunk driving, by the way, which is – this is a side note, but –

[14:59] Dan is about to defend drunk drivers.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] If I know Dan, he usually says this right before he explains why it's not that bad.

[15:05] Just fast forward.

[15:07] Skip ahead 30 seconds.

Dan McCoy

[15:08] This is a side note, but we are introduced to Dennis Quaid when he hands an envelope full of money to Gerard Butler, being like,

Stuart Wellington

[15:17] if my kid was the goalie, that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] I'm not pressuring you, but – oh, and I've got a daughter who sings really well.

[15:24] I mean, she could sing the national anthem.

Elliott Kalan

[15:27] But, you know, whatever.

[15:27] Because that's something that happens before Pee-wee soccer games.

Dan McCoy

[15:30] And he does that, and then also then later on, as Elliot said, he gives Gerard Butler a car, basically.

[15:36] And you would expect –

[15:37] Not just a car, Dan.

[15:38] A Ferrari.

Elliott Kalan

[15:39] The height of the automobile industry.

Stuart Wellington

[15:41] Not according to the fellows on Top Gear.

[15:43] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[15:44] What would they say the Top Gear is?

[15:47] Like a Yugo?

[15:48] Like a Leavitt?

[15:49] Like a Prius?

[15:50] Like a Dart?

[15:51] A Dodge Dart?

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] A Dodge Dart.

[15:54] Like an El Camino?

[15:55] Like a Toyota Corolla?

[15:56] Stop fucking pressuring me.

[15:57] Like an Adam Corolla?

[15:58] Okay, I've never watched the show.

[15:59] Adam Corolla.

[16:00] Okay, I've seen the ads on the –

[16:02] On the buses?

[16:03] On the bus stops.

Elliott Kalan

[16:04] On the bus stops.

[16:06] How do you see an ad on the top of a bus?

[16:07] Are you in a helicopter?

[16:08] My point is –

[16:09] Are you riding in that goose flying machine that Jeff Daniels used in Flyway Home?

[16:16] Have you seen this bus stop?

Dan McCoy

[16:16] Or the one that Tim Robbins and Howard the Duck used in Howard the Duck?

Elliott Kalan

[16:20] Or the gyrocopter from Road Warrior?

[16:23] Or the hot air balloon from Wizard of Oz?

Dan McCoy

[16:25] Or Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

Elliott Kalan

[16:27] Stop naming things from movies.

Dan McCoy

[16:31] The point is, though, when –

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] That flying motorcycle from Looper?

Dan McCoy

[16:35] When Dennis Quaid is in jail, you expect it to be for embezzling something.

[16:40] Yeah.

[16:40] Like the movie sets up another shooter drop that never drops.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] There's a lot of dropped plot lines in this.

[16:48] That's one of them.

[16:48] Yeah, Dennis Quaid disappears from the film.

[16:50] Dennis Quaid then disappears until the final third of the movie.

[16:52] Yeah.

[16:52] For the most part.

Dan McCoy

[16:53] He's got stuff to do, man.

[16:54] And apparently he just has money that he likes throwing around.

[16:56] He's a rich guy.

Stuart Wellington

[16:57] He does business.

[16:57] Unlike Gerard Butler and Jessica Biel, he has a job to do.

[17:01] Yeah.

[17:01] A business job.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] There's a part where –

[17:03] He was always on the business phone doing business stuff.

[17:06] You're introduced to him.

[17:07] He's walking by Gerard Butler on the soccer field.

[17:09] And he's talking to the phone.

[17:10] And you just can go, do the due diligence.

[17:12] And it's like – it's almost like they said to Dennis Quaid, just talk business stuff into the phone.

[17:16] And due diligence was the phrase that came to mind.

[17:18] Spreadsheets.

[17:18] Wait, are you saying that isn't it?

[17:20] Excel.

Stuart Wellington

[17:20] Conference call.

[17:21] That wasn't in the original script.

Elliott Kalan

[17:23] Maybe it was.

[17:24] It's a stroke of genius if it was.

[17:27] Profit.

[17:27] Supply and demand.

[17:28] It tells you everything you need to know about that character.

Stuart Wellington

[17:31] In one sentence.

[17:32] In one sentence.

[17:33] Well, clearly the script writer had been just listening in on conversations and writing them down to try and get the flow of human speech.

[17:38] Yeah, he did a ride-along with a business.

[17:39] Anyway, so he's missed out time with his son because he was bailing Dennis Quaid out of jail.

Elliott Kalan

[17:43] He's hanging out with his son.

[17:45] Catherine Zeta-Jones says, hey, come over to my house.

[17:47] We can make a better audition tape for you.

[17:49] Yeah.

[17:49] They get to her house and she says –

[17:51] Heard that before.

[17:51] Let's leave the kid at my house and we'll go to the studio.

[17:54] He's like, oh, well, how long is this going to take?

[17:55] She says, not more than an hour.

[17:57] They leave.

[17:57] They make the audition tape and love.

Dan McCoy

[18:00] Catherine Zeta-Jones pressures him into doing it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:02] So at this point –

[18:02] Totally do it.

[18:03] So at this point, the main character, Drar Butler, this dissolute womanizer who's got to get over his caddish ways, has had sex with one woman as an act of sympathy.

[18:12] Yeah.

[18:12] And has been pressured into sex with another woman or else his job is online.

[18:16] Partly to get a job, yeah.

[18:17] And then that's it.

[18:18] And then that's the end of the sex.

[18:20] The two women he has sex with.

[18:21] He does go home and find that Uma Thurman, Dennis Quaid's wife, is waiting in his bed and she wants to do it with him too.

[18:28] But that's his friend's wife.

[18:29] But that's his friend's wife.

[18:30] And his friend has already said to him something about like he cheats on her but he'll never give her up for any man except maybe a dead man.

[18:40] Which is weird.

[18:40] Which I think it means I'm going to kill someone who sleeps with my wife but it comes off as if she's a necrophiliac, I'm cool with it.

Dan McCoy

[18:46] Like the Crypt Keeper could totally do it with it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] If Frankenstein's monster tried to horn in on my wife, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[18:52] If somebody can find their way around this gypsy's curse.

Elliott Kalan

[18:54] If the boyfriend from my boyfriend's back fell in love with her, then I'd be totally okay with it.

[19:00] Would she then be the girlfriend of that scenario?

[19:01] If Chud 2 Bud the Chud came knocking.

[19:04] If this was a cold body scenario, I'd just have to let it ride.

[19:07] Yeah.

[19:08] Bud the Chud.

[19:09] Just walk it over.

Dan McCoy

[19:11] That's my buddy, Bud.

[19:13] The Chud.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] Let's not forget.

[19:16] Clarify.

[19:16] Bud T.

[19:17] So that's not the other Bud.

[19:18] From the desk of Bud T.

[19:20] Chud.

[19:21] Dear sirs.

Dan McCoy

[19:23] Bud, just take her out.

[19:24] Show her a good time.

[19:25] Go watch HUD.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] Hang out with Paul Rudd.

[19:33] Play in the mud.

[19:35] Join your cud.

[19:37] Chud, won't you?

[19:41] Now it's making me angry.

[19:42] Okay.

[19:43] So basically, this guy's got a whole lot of women causing a whole lot of trouble.

[19:49] But the main problem is that it's actually...

[19:51] It's your fucking synopsis of Three's Company.

[19:55] That's how my penthouse letter starts.

[19:57] Dear penthouse.

[19:58] I had a whole lot of women making a whole lot of trouble.

[20:01] Let me backtrack.

Dan McCoy

[20:02] I work at a home for criminally insane women.

Elliott Kalan

[20:05] Start in the middle.

[20:07] I work at a women factory.

[20:09] I never thought this would happen to me.

[20:10] It's good letter writing.

Stuart Wellington

[20:12] Start in the middle and work your way back.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] Dear penthouse forum.

[20:16] I never thought this would happen to me.

[20:17] But I fell through a time warp into the past.

[20:21] I had to fight a dinosaur to escape.

[20:22] There's no sex in this letter.

[20:24] But I hope you enjoy it anyway.

[20:25] Love, Elliot.

[20:26] It was just very unexpected.

[20:28] I really never thought it would happen to me.

[20:29] It's a great story.

[20:31] It's an amazing story, if you will.

Stuart Wellington

[20:33] It's an option for an episode of Amazing Stories.

Dan McCoy

[20:37] I had another amazing story happen to me.

[20:39] I was in this bomber plane and the landing gear wouldn't go down.

Elliott Kalan

[20:43] So I drew new landing gear.

[20:45] It's a magic cartoon.

[20:46] My name's Kevin Cosmo.

[20:47] Good night.

[20:50] Good night, everybody.

Stuart Wellington

[20:51] That's who was in that episode.

[20:52] But not good night.

[20:53] The show's not over.

Elliott Kalan

[20:54] Anyway, so basically what's happening is...

[20:59] A lot of women causing a lot of problems.

[21:03] A lot of women more problems.

[21:04] Yeah, you got that right.

[21:05] Anyway, George Butler is spending too much time with the ladies, not enough with his son.

[21:09] And his son is realizing this and getting surly and mad.

[21:11] And his son is unhappy because Jessica Biel is going to get married to her new boyfriend.

[21:16] Who seems like a nice guy, by the way.

[21:17] Who seems like a very nice guy.

[21:18] This is...

[21:19] We were talking about this.

[21:19] It's like the boyfriend in...

[21:21] The husband in Superman Returns.

[21:23] Or the boyfriend in that where it's like the nicest guy.

[21:25] So much nicer than Superman.

[21:27] Yeah.

[21:28] But he gets dumped because he's not Superman.

Stuart Wellington

[21:31] And he thinks...

[21:32] Well, maybe if he works out really hard, he can be Superman, right?

[21:34] No, he can't.

Elliott Kalan

[21:35] The yellow sun doesn't have that effect on him.

[21:38] Maybe if he goes to another planet.

[21:39] He doesn't have the ability to...

[21:41] Yeah.

[21:42] Trade planets.

[21:43] Maybe he goes to a planet with a blue sun.

[21:45] It's like a planet exchange.

[21:46] Interplanetary exchange student.

[21:48] Yeah.

[21:48] So his son is getting mad and his son sees Catherine Zeta-Jones kissing him and realizes

[21:53] this is what he's doing.

[21:54] He's dallying with the ladies instead of hanging out with his son.

[21:57] His son gets really mad and he eventually makes it up to him.

[22:02] There's not a lot of...

[22:03] Yeah, there's not like...

Dan McCoy

[22:04] I'm not really sure what the turnaround is too.

[22:06] Like, Gerard Butler makes it up to him.

[22:09] Jessica Biel sees him with her son and is like, oh, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] He starts hanging out with his son more.

[22:14] They play soccer in the rain.

[22:16] Jessica Biel sees him with his son and is like, you know what?

[22:18] He's changed, but I don't want to admit it.

[22:20] She's going to try on her wedding dress and he shows up after just...

[22:23] He goes to Bristol, Connecticut and auditions for an ESPN anchor job.

[22:27] Bristol, Connecticut.

[22:28] The big city.

[22:29] The big city.

[22:29] That's...

[22:29] When Bristol, Connecticut is mentioned, he's like, wow.

[22:32] Bristol, really?

[22:34] Like, as if there was any...

Dan McCoy

[22:35] Dissolve it to like neon signs.

Elliott Kalan

[22:36] I know it's big because that's where ESPN is, but like, the town of Bristol is not so exciting.

[22:41] It's just...

[22:42] Yeah, it's him walking down the street with...

[22:43] Where they make Bristol board paper?

[22:45] There's signs for like, like, hula hands.

[22:48] Home Depot.

[22:50] Applebee's.

[22:51] Applebee's.

[22:52] Supercuts.

[22:53] But anyway, but he makes a difference.

[22:56] He goes to his wife, his ex-wife who's trying on a wedding dress and he says, you know, like,

[23:00] I'm going to Connecticut for this thing, but I still love you.

[23:04] And she's like, no, I can't move to Connecticut.

[23:06] It's over.

[23:07] If you love me, let me go.

[23:09] And then she stomps out of the dressing room.

[23:12] And then when he stomps out of the dressing room, she's in his car and she says, no, I

[23:16] still love you.

[23:16] I never stopped loving you.

[23:17] Blah, blah, blah.

[23:18] And they start kissing.

[23:19] It's super gushy.

[23:21] It's like girl stuff or something.

Stuart Wellington

[23:23] Well, it's because he...

[23:24] Like, do you think this whole fiance thing was just a long bluff to get this guy to be

[23:27] a better dad?

[23:29] She's playing a long con.

[23:30] A very long con.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] They were gaslighting him into being a better dad.

[23:33] Gaslighting.

[23:33] Trying to drive him crazy with jealousy.

[23:38] So he's doing great.

[23:39] It's the championship game tomorrow.

[23:41] This has not been built up at all.

[23:43] And while they're playing the game, everything seems to be going great until Dennis Quaid shows

[23:48] up.

Dan McCoy

[23:48] Dennis Quaid shows up from the first act of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] He's disappeared for a while.

[23:52] And in his hand, he's got pictures that a detective took of Uma Thurman in her underpants.

[23:57] He was probably getting those pictures developed.

[23:58] That's what he was doing.

[23:59] For a long...

[24:00] Well, that's the other thing is that he has literally...

[24:01] Well, in this age of digital cameras, he had to find someone.

[24:04] Yeah, he had to find a place that would do the building.

[24:06] He had to find the last one-hour photo store that was open in whatever state this is.

[24:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:11] Connecticut, I guess.

[24:12] He drives to Bristol, but...

[24:13] He had to buy bulk Kodak film off of eBay.

[24:17] Because they don't make that stuff anymore.

[24:19] But anyway...

Stuart Wellington

[24:19] You should teach Gerard Butler how to eBay all of his sports memorabilia so he doesn't

[24:23] have to take it to the one small sporting goods store.

Elliott Kalan

[24:25] Earlier on, Gerard Butler tries to sell his sports memorabilia from when he

[24:28] was a soccer player.

[24:29] And the guy goes, I guess I can give you 300 bucks for all of it.

[24:32] It's like, well, yeah, nobody wants to buy this shit here.

[24:34] Like, put it up on eBay so international sellers can bid on it.

[24:38] Yeah.

[24:38] Some guy in England will love this.

[24:40] Yeah.

[24:40] Some crazy English soccer guy.

[24:42] Anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[24:42] They call him footy fans.

[24:45] That's the kind of pajamas they wear.

[24:48] Yeah.

[24:49] Fans of pajamas.

[24:50] Yeah.

[24:50] Pajama fans.

Elliott Kalan

[24:52] Yeah.

[24:52] For PajamaCon 2013.

[24:54] For Pajama Fetish.

[24:55] At the Javits Center.

[24:57] That is probably an industry thing.

[24:59] For the pajama industry.

[25:00] Yeah.

[25:01] PajamaCon.

[25:01] I'm in the pajama game, you might say.

[25:03] Mm-hmm.

[25:03] Anyway.

[25:06] We're in the homestretch of the pajama people.

[25:07] The pajama game.

[25:07] We're in the homestretch.

[25:09] Yeah.

[25:09] Fernando's hideaway.

[25:10] Dennis Quaid confronts him.

[25:12] Dennis Quaid confronts him with these pictures that were taken by a detective who was following

[25:17] him with Herman.

[25:18] Gerard Butler says, I didn't sleep with your wife.

[25:19] But Dennis Quaid's not buying it.

[25:20] So they wrassle.

[25:22] The kids win the game.

[25:23] And he misses it because he's wrassling.

[25:25] And the kids see them wrassling and go, dog pile!

[25:27] And jump on everybody.

[25:28] Yeah.

[25:28] And then run away.

[25:29] But Jessica Biel's seen it.

[25:30] And she is not impressed.

Dan McCoy

[25:31] And I'd like to point out, like, this was the screenplay's attempt at dramatic irony

[25:35] where he gets in trouble with Jessica Biel for the one woman he didn't actually sleep

[25:40] with.

Elliott Kalan

[25:41] Yeah.

[25:41] So she thinks he's back to his womanizing ways.

[25:44] He says, forget this.

[25:45] And he just leaves to go to Connecticut.

[25:48] And the fiance says to Jessica Biel, are you in love with him again?

[25:52] And she goes, I never stopped being in love with him.

[25:54] Which is a crushing thing to say to the fiance.

[25:57] But he seems OK with it.

[25:58] He's like, all right.

[25:59] I mean, he is in a town full of babes, dude.

[26:02] He's going to bounce back.

[26:02] They are hot to trot.

Dan McCoy

[26:03] He's got a job starring Bobcat Goldboy.

Elliott Kalan

[26:06] He's a talking horse?

[26:07] Yeah.

[26:08] So what you're saying is that his reaction is like, all right.

[26:12] I guess I'll just dive into the sea of poon that is this town.

Stuart Wellington

[26:16] But it does feel like it.

[26:16] He has a job probably, right?

[26:18] Or is she supporting him?

[26:19] I have no idea.

[26:20] They never live in the same house, though.

[26:21] He wears a sweater, for fuck's sake.

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] They do live in the same house, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:24] It feels like, OK, well, my last three years of my life have been a lie.

[26:28] And you are totally destroying your son's life by switching up father figures.

Stuart Wellington

[26:32] Three years is a long time, dude.

[26:34] It is.

[26:34] He's probably hungry for some new babes.

Elliott Kalan

[26:37] The three-year itch, they call it.

[26:39] Just like Gremlins 2, the new babes.

Stuart Wellington

[26:42] We're not allowed to talk about Gremlins right now, I think.

[26:45] OK.

[26:45] Dan said we weren't.

[26:46] What?

Elliott Kalan

[26:47] You mean to know Gremlins rule?

[26:48] All right.

[26:49] Anyway.

[26:49] Not until after midnight.

[26:50] So Gremlins butler is going to drive to Connecticut for this ESPN job.

[26:54] I just made you interested in the movie for the first time, didn't he?

[26:56] But he says he's driving down that road and he says-

[26:59] Gremlins would make terrible butlers, by the way.

[27:00] He thinks he would make terrible butlers.

[27:03] That's true.

[27:04] They'd be throwing the hors d'oeuvres at the guests.

[27:06] They'd be strapping gizmo to the dinner platter with an apple in his mouth instead of a pig.

[27:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:12] That's a bad idea.

[27:14] And then-

[27:15] That was a bad idea for my bat mitzvah that I was throwing.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] Who were you throwing a bat mitzvah for?

[27:19] Some lady.

Dan McCoy

[27:21] I mean, she's a lady now.

[27:23] Yeah.

[27:23] She wasn't at the time.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] Whoa.

[27:25] Wait, whoa.

[27:25] So what did you do to her?

[27:28] No, the bat mitzvah transition.

[27:29] But it hasn't happened yet.

[27:30] You said you were throwing the bat mitzvah.

Dan McCoy

[27:31] No, it was a bad idea, I was saying.

[27:33] Okay, a bad mitzvah.

[27:34] When it happened.

Elliott Kalan

[27:35] So anyway-

[27:36] A bat mitzvah.

[27:36] That would be a great movie title, by the way.

[27:38] A bat mitzvah?

[27:39] Yeah.

[27:39] That is a great movie title.

Dan McCoy

[27:40] Oh, I thought you meant bat mitzvah.

[27:41] That's a great movie title, too.

[27:43] Vampires invade a bar mitzvah.

[27:45] Yeah, because there's nothing racist about portraying Jews as vampires, you racist.

Elliott Kalan

[27:49] Anyway, so Gerard Butler turns the car around and goes home.

[27:51] Gerard Butler.

[27:52] He decides that his family is more important than his job.

[27:54] Jessica Biel says, hey, I broke it off with my fiance.

[27:57] And they play soccer in the front yard.

[27:59] And then there's a little title sequence during the credits that reveals that he got a local

[28:04] newscaster job as a sports reporter.

[28:06] Yeah, that's just as good as he can.

[28:06] Why shoot for the stars?

[28:07] Why shoot for the stars?

[28:08] Be a good dad and get a shitty job.

[28:10] When you can aim for the top of a hill.

Dan McCoy

[28:13] And the greatest thing about this movie, the end of the movie-

[28:16] Is it's over now.

[28:17] Is the way that everything is resolved without anyone changing at all.

Elliott Kalan

[28:20] Nobody does nothing in this movie.

[28:23] This is a movie that, it is a comedy without laughs, it's a drama without drama, and it is a character

[28:29] study without characters.

[28:30] Well, that's the thing.

[28:30] This is maybe the most nothing movie I've seen in a long time.

[28:35] There's like no movie in this movie.

[28:38] But that's what makes it not fattening.

[28:40] Yeah, I guess it's true.

[28:41] It's a non-fattening movie.

[28:42] You can watch as much as you want of it.

[28:44] It's never going to get way on your mind.

[28:46] It's like someone took the legal documents you need to fill out to make a movie and just

[28:50] shot that.

[28:52] Didn't bother to put any names or information in.

Dan McCoy

[28:55] They shot reviews of other movies.

Elliott Kalan

[28:58] So we were going to talk about-

[28:59] The thing that bothered me the most-

Dan McCoy

[29:01] Well, no.

[29:01] The thing that confused me the most about this movie is the strange tone of it.

[29:06] Where there's like stuff in the middle that feels like it really should be like a sex

[29:09] farce with like, oh, Gerard Butler is having sex with all of these like soccer moms.

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] He's got hot and cold running babes.

[29:15] In one door, out the other.

Dan McCoy

[29:17] And his landlord is looking through the window and being like, how does he do it?

[29:21] But it is like-

[29:21] Yeah, it was pretty great.

[29:22] It is done at such a slow pace.

[29:24] Like it feels like it should be French farce and it's done super slowed down and wistful

[29:29] and kind of like dramedy.

Elliott Kalan

[29:30] It's done as if we're supposed to be touched by what's going on.

Stuart Wellington

[29:33] There wasn't enough like hiding one babe in the closet while the other babe berates him.

[29:38] He was going for our heart when he should have been going for our funny bone.

Elliott Kalan

[29:41] But yeah, it's really slowed down and not funny.

[29:45] The character never seems to be in any kind of like frantic trouble or anything like that.

[29:50] Yeah, and there's no-

Dan McCoy

[29:51] Gerard Butler doesn't do frantic.

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] We've talked about there's no payoff really-

[29:54] He does barely anything.

[29:55] He walks around without a shirt.

[29:56] That's basically his thing.

Dan McCoy

[29:57] There's no payoff to Dennis Quaid being like this sleazy like rich guy.

[30:01] And there's also no payoff really to-

[30:03] There's no payoff to Judy Greer.

[30:05] Like the women, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] Well, Judy Greer shows up later dating his landlord.

[30:09] And like there's no complications or problems there.

Dan McCoy

[30:12] He's just like, oh, I found this other guy.

[30:14] So everything's fixed now.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Catherine Zeta-Jones shows up and wants to have sex with him.

[30:18] And he's like, really?

[30:19] I don't think we should.

[30:20] And she's like, so you got yours and that's it?

[30:23] And you're just leaving me out to hang?

[30:24] All right, I guess.

[30:25] And she's just, I guess, mad at him.

[30:27] But nothing happens afterwards.

[30:28] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:28] This feels like a bigger bomb that should explode under the movie.

[30:31] No, this was a bomb, all right.

[30:33] No, but like it feels like-

[30:34] No, but I didn't know what you mean.

[30:35] They're building it up to be like, oh, all of these women who wanted Gerard Butler are going to converge.

[30:41] And Jessica Biel is going to be like, oh, you've been screwing the whole town.

Stuart Wellington

[30:44] And I think it's only made more obvious because Jessica Biel makes a comment about how he always does this.

[30:50] He always lets things build up.

[30:52] And then when he explodes, he explodes.

[30:54] And it never explodes.

[30:54] But there's no-

[30:55] Yeah, she literally says that.

Elliott Kalan

[30:56] And now it doesn't happen.

[30:57] Yeah.

[30:57] It's like a plate, a farce should be like a plate spinning act where the story is kind of frantically spinning all the plates to keep them up.

[31:05] But this is one where like they started one plate spinning, started spinning another, the first plate fell down.

[31:09] They were like, fuck it.

[31:09] I'll start a third plate.

[31:10] Second plate fell down.

[31:11] I'll start a fourth plate.

[31:13] Two plates fall down.

[31:14] Whatever.

[31:14] I don't care.

[31:15] The movie's over.

[31:15] You know what?

[31:16] Let's just throw on some fucking titles.

[31:18] We're over its credits.

Dan McCoy

[31:19] This movie feels like a bowl of oatmeal with no sugar, no syrup, no milk.

[31:24] Like just plain old oatmeal.

[31:25] Old oatmeal is a nutritious, fortifying food.

[31:28] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] This is like a bowl of dust.

[31:31] There's no variation in it.

[31:32] This is like taking a bite of a bowl of dust.

[31:35] Not satisfying.

[31:36] There's no nutrition.

[31:37] There's nothing there.

[31:39] This was a movie people made.

[31:41] And at no point were they like, we don't really have a story in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[31:44] Oh, by the way, our main character has no character to him other than the fact that he used to be a soccer player.

[31:48] What's this guy's motivation?

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] Don't worry about it.

Stuart Wellington

[31:51] Gerard Butler will charm the pants off the ladies.

[31:54] Literally.

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] But no, he doesn't.

[31:57] Like it's –

Stuart Wellington

[31:58] I do have to say that I like the scene with Uma Thurman where she is in her underpants and we made a comment how it was shot like it was like a Showtime after hours movie.

[32:08] Yeah.

[32:08] And that actually – it turned into a Showtime's after hours plot where there was a guy outside the window taking like lewd snaps of the whole situation.

[32:18] I kind of like that.

[32:19] I like that it was almost like it was foreshadowing what would happen.

Elliott Kalan

[32:21] The only difference is a Showtime movie would have given you the satisfaction of a four-way lesbian sex scene between all the women or I guess if it was a seduction cinema movie or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[32:31] And I mean like the closest thing to something I enjoyed in the movie was like an early – like sort of the early scenes where all the soccer moms were like looking on at Gerard Butler and being really excited about him.

[32:41] And I thought it was kind of funny like it was like because he was so bland.

[32:45] It was just like – yeah, they're just turned on because he's like Gerard Butler and he's got a Scottish accent.

[32:49] There's nothing else about him there.

[32:51] And Dennis Quaid, yeah, was charming.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] And there are things about like Judy Greer's cast as the like mousy non-com – she's supposed to be the like not as attractive woman.

[33:02] But it's very weird because she's like a very –

[33:04] Yeah, she's an attractive woman.

Stuart Wellington

[33:06] She's easily on par with Gerard Butler.

[33:08] Oh, certainly.

[33:09] But it's one of those –

[33:10] Or Gremlin Battler depending on how you –

[33:12] Gremlin Battler.

Elliott Kalan

[33:14] That's his name from now on.

[33:16] But it's – there's a certain thing that like movies used to have different types of faces or like different levels of attractiveness in characters.

[33:24] And I feel like now a movie cannot have anyone who's unattractive.

[33:28] So a woman who's supposed to be cute but not like super beautiful is played by a beautiful woman.

[33:34] And it doesn't make sense for the character.

Dan McCoy

[33:37] But also like I feel like in old screwball comedies like funny women were allowed to also be attractive women too.

[33:42] Yeah.

[33:43] And I feel like in this movie it's just like okay well we've got the funny lady and then we've got the hot ladies.

[33:48] You know.

[33:49] And you know Judy Greer whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] But we've got to have pretty people so we'll cast her in there.

[33:54] Yeah.

[33:55] I mean I like her a lot.

[33:56] I think she's a really funny comedian and a really likable performer.

[33:59] But it seems weird to put her in a role where like it feels like she's almost outgrown as an actress.

[34:05] You know.

Dan McCoy

[34:06] Yeah.

[34:07] I feel like we're there already.

Elliott Kalan

[34:08] She's not playing Kitty in Arrested Development anymore.

Dan McCoy

[34:10] Yeah.

[34:11] Oh, if only.

Elliott Kalan

[34:11] Well, when the movie comes out.

[34:13] Maybe for the Netflix series.

Dan McCoy

[34:14] Sure.

[34:15] I think that we're there.

[34:17] So we should just.

[34:18] No, we're right here.

[34:18] Go to the final judgments about whether this was a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked.

[34:24] What do you say, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[34:25] Where does best movie ever fall into those categories?

Dan McCoy

[34:28] Well, it's far outside of those.

Stuart Wellington

[34:30] I was just joking.

[34:31] Oh.

[34:31] It is a.

[34:32] I mean it's.

[34:33] Wait.

[34:33] Is this a bit.

[34:34] I can't.

[34:34] Like I'm not mad at the movie.

[34:36] It's just so.

[34:37] I mean I kind of am.

[34:38] It's super bland and boring.

[34:40] Yeah.

[34:40] Like it's not much of a movie.

[34:42] I was kind of.

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] I was not mad when we were watching it, but I'm mad talking about it now.

[34:46] But it's like this is a movie that like an old person can watch while they're sleeping.

[34:51] Like it's perfect for that.

[34:54] Like that's the perfect audience for this film.

Dan McCoy

[34:56] They're actually watching it while they're sleeping?

Elliott Kalan

[34:58] Well, they're dozing away in an armchair with this movie playing.

[35:02] They won't wake them up.

[35:03] So what do you say, Stuart?

[35:04] I'm going to say bad bad.

Dan McCoy

[35:05] Okay.

[35:06] Yeah, I'll say bad bad too.

[35:07] I'm sort of baffled that they shot this script as it existed.

[35:10] Yeah.

[35:10] It just seems like anyone would look at it and be like, well, you got no conflict here

[35:15] and you got no characters.

[35:16] Like there's some good actors in it.

[35:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] There are a ton of good actors in it.

[35:20] It attracted talent.

[35:21] It's a big name cast.

[35:22] This is Gremlin Battler, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Dennis Quaid, Uma Thurman, Jessica Biel, Judy Greer.

[35:29] Like this is a big cast of names.

Stuart Wellington

[35:31] And they've all, at least a lot of them have done comedy successfully.

[35:34] Yes.

[35:36] Gremlin Battler was in Ugly Truth.

[35:39] Yeah, sure.

[35:39] The most successful comedy.

[35:41] Very successful as a comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] And I would also give, it's like, I almost don't want to give this movie a rating.

[35:47] Because it kind of doesn't rise to the level of deserving one.

[35:50] It's barely a movie.

[35:50] It sort of disappears.

[35:51] I feel like a good bad.

[35:52] It's like eating a meringue.

[35:54] Like a good bad movie is fun to watch and a bad bad movie is painful to watch.

[35:57] But this was just like a thing.

[35:59] This was like, it's like, this is the.

[36:01] It's like you blacked out in two hours later.

[36:03] This is like the parsley garnish on a plate that you just put to the side.

[36:08] That's what it is as a movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:09] Yeah.

[36:10] All right.

[36:10] Well, fair enough.

Elliott Kalan

[36:12] So our highest recommendation for playing Pink Eaps.

Dan McCoy

[36:15] Gally, you have something to say before we move on to our next statement.

Elliott Kalan

[36:18] I do have something to say.

[36:19] Now everybody knows we've joined the All Things Comedy Network.

[36:22] And that means we're going to be.

[36:23] Allthingscomedy.com.

[36:24] Go to allthingscomedy.com for great podcasts.

[36:27] They're all comedy.

[36:28] All things comedy, that is.

[36:29] But it also means we've got a sponsor.

[36:32] Ooh, exciting.

[36:33] Yay.

[36:33] And is it a good sponsor?

[36:35] Yes, it's a great sponsor.

[36:36] I'm going to spend a minute here, or maybe 40 seconds, maybe 20 seconds.

[36:41] Telling you about a little company called TiVo that I think you're going to like.

[36:44] T-I-V-O.

[36:45] T-I.

[36:46] Big T.

[36:46] Little I.

[36:47] Big V.

[36:48] Little O.

[36:48] Now, television.

[36:49] We all love it, but it's a pain to watch, right?

[36:51] It is a pain.

[36:53] It takes forever.

[36:53] And tell you what?

[36:54] You've got to sit there and watch TV shows when your TV tells you they're going to be on.

[36:58] Well, not anymore, friends.

[36:59] Not anymore.

[37:00] Thanks to a little thing called TiVo.

[37:02] No longer are you a slave to the tyranny of television scheduling.

[37:07] Now, thanks to TiVo, you can watch shows whenever you want, wherever you want.

[37:11] That's DVR technology.

[37:13] And TiVo has the best of DVR technology.

[37:15] I'm a Time Warner customer.

[37:16] I hate it.

[37:17] Their DVR is a piece of garbage.

[37:19] It is literally a box full of garbage.

[37:22] But TiVo has a great DVR box.

[37:24] They've also got TiVo Stream, which lets you watch TV on your iPad.

[37:27] And transfer your favorite recordings so you can take them with you anywhere.

[37:32] Name a place you can take your TiVo recording with you.

[37:34] Name a place.

[37:35] Both of you.

[37:36] The gym.

[37:37] You can take it with you.

[37:37] The bathroom.

[37:39] The butcher shop.

Dan McCoy

[37:40] The Caribbean.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] The Caribbean.

[37:43] Yeah, same place.

[37:47] Anywhere.

[37:47] And also, only TiVo searches cable and the internet for any show, movie, or video you want to see.

[37:53] Do other DVRs do that?

[37:55] No, of course not.

[37:55] They're terrible.

[37:56] This is like making Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon, YouTube.

[38:00] They're just channels on your TV now.

[38:01] Thanks to TiVo.

[38:02] Just flip through them whenever you want.

[38:03] There's TiVo Mini, which makes one TiVo box work for two different TVs.

[38:08] You're taking your shows everywhere.

[38:09] Now you can watch Invisible Maniac wherever you want, whenever you want.

[38:13] Wait a minute.

[38:14] Stuart, I know you think that's great, because it is.

[38:17] And now, visitors to TiVo.com, like you, can get $25 off a new TiVo Premiere P4 or XL4 DVR by using a special promo code.

[38:27] That promo code, it's easy to remember, ATC.

[38:30] It's all things comedy.

[38:31] So for $25 off until November 1st, go to TiVo.com and put in code ATC.

[38:37] TiVo is the best DVR alternative.

[38:40] And that's from me, Elliot Kalin.

[38:43] Legally binding.

Dan McCoy

[38:45] Thank you, Elliot.

[38:46] TiVo, bringing you the Flophouse.

[38:48] So now we move on to the Flophouse movie mailbag, Letters from Listeners.

[38:54] This first letter of the evening.

Elliott Kalan

[38:56] I'm so tired from that sponsor ad.

[38:58] I don't have time for a song.

[38:59] Everyone should go buy a TiVo so I have more energy for singing.

Stuart Wellington

[39:02] Letters, letters.

[39:04] I'm singing a song about letters.

[39:06] I love it.

[39:07] That was good.

Elliott Kalan

[39:08] I don't like the ending.

[39:10] I think it should have sounded more like this.

[39:12] I didn't see the ending.

[39:13] Letters, singing a song about letters.

[39:16] We're going to read some letters from you, the listeners.

[39:20] You, the listeners.

[39:21] The people who listen and write the letters.

[39:24] Letters, they make words.

[39:26] Words from you.

[39:27] I mean, it's longer.

[39:28] Words from the listeners to us about things that we know or we say on the Flophouse today.

[39:34] They're letters.

[39:35] And I'm having Hamish feel to this.

[39:36] Letters.

[39:36] See, I'm like the fat, sloppy coach using the cell phone at the beginning of the movie.

[39:39] Letters.

Elliott Kalan

[39:39] All right.

[39:41] Letters.

[39:41] All right.

[39:42] And it's time for a letter.

Dan McCoy

[39:43] So this first letter.

[39:44] I'll get to part two of the song later.

[39:45] It's titled, Great Email for the Show, Asterisk, Dan Compliments Included.

Elliott Kalan

[39:51] It's a letter from Asterix, the French comic character.

Dan McCoy

[39:53] Asterix and Obelisk.

[39:55] Obelisk wrote it too.

[39:56] This is from First Name Without Jones.

[39:58] He says, Dear Dan.

[40:00] That's totally unorthodox.

[40:01] Dear Dan, Elliot, and Stuart, and Housecap.

[40:03] Doug Jones.

[40:05] Doug Jones.

[40:05] Another great episode, guys.

[40:07] Dave Sapien himself.

[40:08] Give yourselves a round of applause.

[40:09] And for Stuart, a round of beers.

[40:11] Am I right, Stuart?

[40:12] Up top.

[40:12] Oh, yeah.

[40:14] Before I get to the point of this email, spoiler alert, there isn't one.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Let me just say that Dan is the smartest, funniest, and best looking host on the show.

[40:21] Oh, so it was Dan Jones who wrote this.

Dan McCoy

[40:23] Dan McCoy Jones.

[40:24] Also, he has a larger penis than the other two hosts.

[40:26] No, not true.

[40:27] And has banged at least triple the amount of chicks of Elliot and Stuart combined.

[40:31] I know that's not true.

[40:32] Let me also allow...

[40:33] Let me also add that this is not Dan writing this, nor did Dan ask me to say these things.

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] But still, Dan is a super cool dude.

Dan McCoy

[40:40] They are all true facts.

[40:42] Deal with it.

[40:43] With that out of the way, I would like to ask...

[40:44] Doesn't Dan suck?

Elliott Kalan

[40:45] I would like...

[40:46] He really set you up for a punch there.

[40:49] With that out of the way...

Dan McCoy

[40:51] With that out of the way, I would like to ask each of you dudes a question.

[40:54] Those questions are...

[40:55] For Stuart, who is your all-time favorite wrestler?

[40:58] If the answer to that question is...

[41:00] Is Brutus the Barber Beefcake.

Stuart Wellington

[41:02] All right.

[41:03] I had a t-shirt and I had...

[41:06] Wait, Brutus the Barber Beefcake.

[41:07] I can't...

[41:07] Oh, no, you finish.

Dan McCoy

[41:08] No, no.

[41:08] If the answer to that question is Macho Man Randy Savage, you can please do an impression.

[41:12] But it's not.

[41:13] It's not.

Stuart Wellington

[41:14] It's not.

[41:14] It's Brutus the Barber Beefcake.

[41:15] I had a t-shirt.

[41:16] I had a wall hanging.

[41:17] I celebrated every time he choked somebody out and then cut his hair.

[41:22] Why did he cut his hair?

[41:24] To shame them, I think.

[41:25] Oh, he would cut the other guy's hair.

[41:27] No, he wouldn't cut his own hair.

[41:28] That'd be crazy.

[41:29] He would choke a guy and then look at it and then hold up a mirror and cut his own hair.

[41:33] Although, as I've gotten older, I think I prefer Ravishing Rick Rude with his pants that

[41:38] had beautiful ladies on them.

[41:40] And he had different pants every time he wrestled.

[41:42] I kind of wish I had a pair of those pants.

[41:43] Different ladies.

[41:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:45] Second question for Dan.

[41:46] Have you tried the new hot mess burger at Jack in the Box?

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] This is the East Coast.

[41:51] There are no Jack in the Boxes.

[41:52] What is your opinion on the TV ads for said burger?

[41:55] There are no Jacks in the Box, nor television commercials for the same.

[41:58] You're answering for me.

[41:59] In our region.

[41:59] That is accurate.

[42:00] Oh, sorry.

[42:00] Dan, you answer.

Dan McCoy

[42:01] No, I don't know why this was a question for me.

[42:04] You should YouTube it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:05] Dan, you're a big Jack in the...

[42:06] I am to Popeyes as you are to Jack in the Box.

[42:08] Yeah, I'm a real jackhead.

Dan McCoy

[42:11] I've not had said burger.

[42:13] But for Elliot, if you were trapped on a deserted island, as in an island full of desserts,

[42:18] what would you want the dessert to be?

[42:21] Something chocolate.

[42:22] Oh, boring.

[42:23] That is boring.

[42:24] And lastly for...

[42:25] It's a dessert question.

[42:26] I'm not ready to answer that.

[42:27] Lastly, for the Flophouse house cat, can I get a row row?

[42:30] Row row!

[42:32] Thanks, guys.

[42:33] Love you all.

[42:34] That's from First Name Without Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] Thanks, Jones.

[42:35] Hey, thanks, Jones.

[42:36] Sorry I didn't have an exciting answer, but sometimes real life isn't exciting.

[42:39] Thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about Ravaging Rick Rude.

Stuart Wellington

[42:42] He's been on my mind lately.

Dan McCoy

[42:45] He's always on my mind.

[42:47] This is titled Intentionally Bad Movies from Ben, last name withheld.

[42:51] 10.

[42:52] He says, hello there, floppers.

[42:54] Ben 10.

[42:54] I think you guys are great and wonderful.

[42:55] I wanted to know, do you think it's possible to successfully recreate the aesthetic and sensibilities

[43:00] of good bad movies or media?

[43:02] I feel like Tim and Eric shoot for this sort of thing, as does Larry Blamire, or Blamire,

[43:08] I don't know how to say that.

[43:09] Larry Budnil.

[43:09] You said it right.

[43:10] Who made the B-movie spoof film The Lost Skeleton of Kadabra.

[43:16] Have you seen it?

[43:18] Off the top of your heads, what are some tropes of good bad movies or moments of good badness

[43:21] in bad, bad films that you feel no intentionally good bad movie could do without?

[43:26] Flops off to you, Ben, last name withheld.

[43:28] Now, this is something that I have strong feelings about.

[43:32] I am against trying to simulate badness in films.

[43:40] I feel like if you have the skill to make a good movie, why not just fucking make a good movie?

Elliott Kalan

[43:45] And let the bad movies be a happy accident of the incompetent.

Dan McCoy

[43:48] Yeah.

[43:48] I feel like Tim and Eric do something else.

[43:51] There's a value added there.

[43:53] You know, like there's some comedy there.

[43:56] It's not just recreating.

Elliott Kalan

[43:58] Well, I think when you recreate a bad, when you try to make a bad movie, personally, it's

[44:01] for comedic purposes.

[44:03] Yeah.

[44:03] But it's often that you're so in on the joke that it doesn't come off.

[44:06] And The Lost Skelton of Kadabra, I've actually been meaning to see for years, and I have not

[44:10] seen it.

Dan McCoy

[44:11] I saw it, and I found it funny for about six minutes, and boring for the rest of it.

Elliott Kalan

[44:18] Well, that's part of the strength of Tim and Eric.

[44:19] I haven't seen their movie, but their show is short, and the bits are short.

Stuart Wellington

[44:22] Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

[44:23] Like, I would imagine in a long-form situation, it would be overwhelming, like eating too much

[44:28] sugary cereal in one go.

[44:30] Yeah.

[44:30] Like the Speed Racer movie or something.

[44:33] But I like the Speed Racer movie.

[44:34] Yeah, I mean, that's a good bowl of cereal.

[44:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:36] But I do agree that there's something about when someone aims high and fails that is more

[44:41] funny and enjoyable than when somebody purposefully aims low as a joke.

[44:46] Yeah.

[44:46] And like, it's funny if maybe like you spoof a bad movie for like a sketch for like five

[44:52] minutes, but I'm not a fan of it either, really.

[44:55] But maybe I'll see one one day that I really like.

Dan McCoy

[44:57] I mean, the beauty of something like The Room, which is, I guess, like the new reigning champion

[45:02] of bad movies is like, that is clearly a passion project.

[45:05] That is a deeply felt film.

[45:07] Yeah.

[45:07] That is 100% wrong.

[45:09] That is terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[45:09] That was made by someone who had no idea what he was doing, but he did it as hard as possible.

[45:14] Yeah.

[45:14] And he loved that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[45:16] Yeah.

[45:17] Probably convinced some poor guys into giving them a bunch of money.

[45:19] I mean, because it's all on the screen.

[45:21] It's beautiful up there.

[45:22] It is all on the screen.

[45:23] I want to live in there.

Elliott Kalan

[45:25] But it's...

[45:26] I want to live on that green screen roof.

[45:28] But I've also yet to see like a bad...

[45:30] A purposely bad movie that reached anywhere near the heights of bliss of a real bad movie.

[45:37] Yeah.

[45:38] Of a non-purposely bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[45:40] This next letter is titled, A Request.

[45:44] Sarah, not Dan's wife here.

[45:47] I was just listening to the Oogie Loves...

[45:49] Michael Sarah.

[45:49] Yeah.

[45:50] I was just listening to the Oogie Loves episode, which was, I must admit, only ghoulishly okay.

[45:55] Well, that's...

[45:56] Whoa.

[45:56] Wait, what?

[45:57] I feel like that's not a generally held opinion, but that's fine.

Elliott Kalan

[46:00] And also, it's weird that you would open with that evaluation.

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] But no, she goes on.

[46:05] There's more to the letter.

[46:06] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[46:06] Well, you know what?

Stuart Wellington

[46:07] All your other episodes were terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[46:10] So this was an improvement.

[46:11] I hate your podcast and I'll never listen to it again.

[46:13] Thanks for reading my letter.

Dan McCoy

[46:14] She goes on.

[46:15] However, it immediately shot to one-warming boner levels of awesomeness when it came to the part

[46:20] where Dan was earnestly trying to plug the Oscar pool.

[46:23] The sheer irritation of his voice, combined with Stuart and Elliot's complete indifference to his annoyance,

[46:28] encapsulated what I feel is the heart and soul of the podcast.

[46:32] Dan tries to do something correctly, like plug charities for cancer research,

[46:36] and Stuart and Elliot try to distract him at every turn.

[46:39] Not even try.

[46:40] Successfully distract him.

[46:41] It's been revealed in prior episodes that when I listen to the podcast, I think of Dan as a giant teddy bear.

[46:49] There's a picture of that, isn't there?

[46:50] I think there must be.

[46:52] After listening to the Oogie Loves episode, I'd like to amend that.

[46:55] I now think of Dan as an incredibly bitter, slightly inebriated teddy bear, like the snuggle bear,

[47:00] but one which clutches a bottle of Jack Daniels like a life preserver.

[47:03] Yeah.

[47:03] So thanks, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[47:04] That's pretty close, actually.

[47:05] That's very accurate.

Dan McCoy

[47:06] The podcast is only enriched by your thinly concealed anger.

Elliott Kalan

[47:09] Now, there's an example there.

[47:11] If we had written and performed a bit where Dan is trying to get out the information about this cancer fundraiser

[47:17] and Stuart and Elliot just won't let him finish, would not have been that good.

[47:20] But the fact that we were really doing it.

[47:22] The reality of my rage.

[47:23] The real inability for him to complete it.

[47:26] Guys, stop it.

[47:28] I'm trying to do something good here.

Dan McCoy

[47:30] Yeah, flawless impression.

Elliott Kalan

[47:32] Guys, it's me, Dan.

[47:33] What?

[47:34] I'm a moron.

[47:35] I'm Dan.

[47:35] I'm so dumb.

[47:37] Hold on.

[47:38] Why did I say that?

[47:39] That's what I don't understand.

[47:40] It was way better as a real failed thing than as a fake failed thing.

Dan McCoy

[47:45] But she goes on.

[47:46] Seriously, though, I hope the Oscar pool netted millions for new skateboards.

[47:49] Millions?

[47:50] New skateboards, big league chew, and fancy fees for the house cat.

[47:54] It was for cancer.

[47:55] We established that.

[47:56] Does the house cat have cancer?

[47:57] I hope not.

[47:58] Finally, my request.

[47:59] That'd be a dark wrinkle.

[48:01] Elliot, I appeal to you.

[48:02] On behalf of America, talk to your BFF, Anne Hathaway.

[48:06] Since the two of you grew up across the street from one another, and you were the ducky to her Andy, the shake to her bake, the chip to her tail, I have to believe that if there's one person she would listen to, it would be you.

[48:20] Please, please, please ask her to tone it down.

[48:22] The feigned bashfulness, the winning smile, the batted eyes, it's not doing anything for her.

[48:27] So please, Elliot, save her from herself.

[48:29] In return, I'll hold the CEO of Popeyes captive until he agrees to give you free Popeyes for life.

[48:35] Keep up the floptastic work.

[48:37] Signed, Sarah, not Dan's wife.

Elliott Kalan

[48:39] Sarah, you drive a hard bargain, but I think Anne's doing great.

Stuart Wellington

[48:42] I mean, I think she's doing that to get over the loss of her high school love, right?

[48:45] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[48:46] Also, we were not high school loves or friends.

[48:49] Don't really know her very well or at all.

[48:52] And frankly, if I had free lifetime access to Popeyes, I would die tomorrow.

[48:58] I appreciate it.

Dan McCoy

[48:59] A Popeyes overdose.

[49:01] I appreciate it.

[49:01] A gentleman never tells, and Elliot still will not tell the details.

[49:05] Will not tell the details.

[49:05] Nothing to tell.

[49:06] Of his torrid love affair.

[49:08] There was none.

[49:09] His four-year love affair.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] I think she's doing great right now.

[49:13] That was before a growth spurt.

[49:13] Happy to have another successful Milburn High School alum.

[49:17] No relationship.

Dan McCoy

[49:18] All right.

[49:19] Well, the last letter of the evening.

Elliott Kalan

[49:22] Wait, he just winked.

[49:23] Twist.

[49:23] I was talking about Wink Martindale, the game show host.

Dan McCoy

[49:27] The last letter of the evening is from Peter, last name withheld.

[49:30] Parker.

[49:30] It's titled Flophouse Drinking Game.

[49:34] Dear Original Peaches.

[49:35] I think that's just the Flophouse.

[49:37] While burning the late night oil in the wake of engaging in a highly productive drinking

[49:41] game centered around the movie Demolition Man featuring Sylvester Stallone's cryogenically

[49:45] frozen taint in a starring role, it dawned on me that a-

[49:48] I don't remember that part.

Stuart Wellington

[49:49] Also known as Wesley Snipes.

[49:51] It dawned on me that a Flophouse-

Elliott Kalan

[49:54] You're welcome, guys.

[49:54] You're just welcome for that one.

Stuart Wellington

[49:55] I think we just won an award for that joke.

[49:58] I'll take it in Coors Light.

Dan McCoy

[50:02] Flophouse Drinking Game is one of the last missing pieces in this great puzzle we call Civilization.

[50:08] Sorry, pardon me.

[50:11] I'm taking a drink now.

[50:13] With a thunderous eureka, I sank my teeth into the soft flesh of my underarm and began writing

[50:18] the rules of said drinking game onto my walls in blood.

[50:21] Okay.

[50:22] Just now returning from the hospital, I present them to you as a suggestion to be amended and

[50:27] expanded upon.

[50:28] A lot of rules.

[50:28] Amended?

[50:29] The Flophouse Drinking Game.

[50:31] Registered trademark.

Elliott Kalan

[50:32] Whoa, he copyrighted it?

[50:34] Apparently.

[50:35] Drink whenever.

[50:36] One.

[50:36] This is how Disney just recently stopped trying to copyright the phrase Dia de los Muertos

[50:41] because it was decided that that would seem evil if they tried to copyright the name

[50:46] of a holiday that people already celebrate.

Dan McCoy

[50:49] Drink whenever.

[50:50] Number one, Stuart recommends Castle Freak, the Invisible Maniac or Head of the Family.

Stuart Wellington

[50:54] Oh, have we done recommendations yet today too?

Dan McCoy

[50:58] Elliot recommends a movie that can only be obtained on nitrate film by breaking into the

[51:02] Warner Brothers film vault.

[51:03] Come on, anyone can do it.

[51:04] Three, Dan recommends a movie to put you asleep on an airplane.

Stuart Wellington

[51:10] Four.

[51:11] He's right, you know, you gotta give him credit.

Dan McCoy

[51:12] You do it a lot.

[51:13] Four, the Flophouse House Cat Howls.

[51:15] That's a full beer.

Stuart Wellington

[51:17] You gotta shotgun it.

[51:18] Yeah, it's rare.

Dan McCoy

[51:19] Five, Stuart is overtly modest in describing his penis size.

[51:22] Well, that never happens.

[51:23] I don't know what that...

Stuart Wellington

[51:24] It's a monster.

Dan McCoy

[51:27] Six, Elliot's brother writes into educated delight with anecdotes and statistics from the

[51:32] wonderful world of sports.

[51:34] Seven.

[51:35] Oh, just thinking about it hurts so much.

[51:36] Any of the three octogenarians complain they couldn't hear what went on the movie they

[51:40] watch.

Elliott Kalan

[51:41] Okay, it's not our fault that movies are terribly mixed these days.

[51:45] Eight.

[51:45] So, somehow the new generation of kids have super ears that can pick up the tiniest noises.

[51:50] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:51] Number eight, BigSausagePizza.com is mentioned.

[51:54] We haven't done that in a while, until now.

[51:56] Number nine, a guest host tries to steal Stuart's identity.

[51:59] Okay.

[52:00] Ten.

[52:00] Wait, how many is that?

Stuart Wellington

[52:02] How many drinks?

[52:03] How many rules?

[52:04] Wait.

[52:05] I just said ten.

[52:06] How many minutes have we been doing this episode?

[52:08] Just joking.

[52:09] Keep going.

[52:10] I don't know what's happening.

[52:12] Total waste of time.

[52:14] I had a brain aneurysm.

[52:16] Like, I watched Playing for Keeps again.

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] That was the Playing for Keeps of this episode.

[52:21] Nothing happened but time passed.

Dan McCoy

[52:24] Number ten, a word is spoken that sounds like another word.

[52:28] Yep.

[52:29] Number eleven, there's confusion about whether what goes on is a bit.

[52:33] And, lastly, for listeners with a death wish, number twelve, Dan is interrupted.

Elliott Kalan

[52:39] Oh, yeah, you wouldn't get through a full episode.

Dan McCoy

[52:41] Nicholas Cage has been banned from appearing in the game for reasons pertaining to public health.

[52:47] Thank you for a great podcast.

[52:48] Sorry about Dan's knee.

[52:49] Now, that's how you end a letter, guys.

[52:52] Repeat last name with no.

[52:53] Foe sympathy.

[52:55] My foe sympathy.

[52:57] My greatest foe.

[52:59] I think that that's a good idea.

[53:01] Like a drinking game?

[53:02] Yeah, if anyone does it, let me know how it turns out.

Elliott Kalan

[53:04] Dan, this podcast is pitched at the ten to thirteen market.

[53:07] What?

[53:08] This is a tween podcast.

[53:09] Is that our key demographic?

[53:11] Our key demographic is tweens.

[53:12] They love my songs.

[53:13] They love our crazy antics.

[53:14] That's why we're always talking about school.

Stuart Wellington

[53:16] Is that why we're always talking about the sweet life of Zach and Cody?

[53:18] Yeah.

[53:19] That's why we're wearing our hats backwards, right?

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] That's why we're wearing our head hats backwards.

Dan McCoy

[53:24] That's why there's so much Go-Gurt content in this.

Elliott Kalan

[53:26] We're always talking about chicken-shaped...

[53:28] Whoa, whoa.

[53:29] Chicken-shaped...

[53:30] Wait, you can get dinosaur meat?

[53:33] Yeah, chicken-shaped dinosaur nuggets.

[53:37] Go-Gurt dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.

Stuart Wellington

[53:39] You have a line on fresh dinosaur meat that you haven't been telling me about?

[53:42] It's not fresh.

Dan McCoy

[53:45] I mean, it's freshly cloned.

[53:47] Freshly...

[53:48] Yeah.

[53:49] Freshly clowned.

[53:50] So, this is the last segment on the podcast, and that's where we recommend movies that

[53:56] we actually liked, in contrast to Drek-like Playing for Keeps.

[54:00] We're done wrecking movies.

[54:01] Now it's time to recommend them.

[54:02] Ugh, I hate you.

Elliott Kalan

[54:03] I'm getting so many good lines in tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[54:05] I'm going to recommend a low-budget picture called Iron Man 3 that I saw last night, directed

[54:13] by Shane's Black, director of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

[54:18] Writer of Lethal Weapon.

[54:20] Writer of Lethal Weapon.

[54:21] And The Last Boy Scout, which is one of my favorite movies of all time.

[54:26] Weird.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] Are they ever going to make that prequel, the second to last Boy Scout?

[54:30] The penultimate Boy Scout.

Stuart Wellington

[54:32] So, Iron Man 3...

Elliott Kalan

[54:33] And the sequel.

[54:34] It turns out we had another Boy Scout after all.

[54:35] One of the things I like about Iron Man 3...

[54:37] It's behind a box.

[54:39] Iron Man 3.

[54:40] You liked it.

[54:41] Yeah, come on.

[54:42] I didn't like it.

[54:42] What?

[54:43] Yeah, I didn't like it very much, but you liked it.

Stuart Wellington

[54:44] Okay, well, what I liked about it is that large chunks of it reminded me of an 80s action

[54:48] movie.

[54:48] This is what I did like about it.

[54:50] Second off, it featured a lot of great character actors like William Sadler from The Bill and

[54:56] Ted's Bogus Journey and various Tales from the Crypt episodes, as well as Miguel Ferrer

[55:01] as, surprise, a bad guy.

[55:03] I would have loved to have seen more Miguel Ferrer.

[55:05] Yeah, no, I agree.

Dan McCoy

[55:06] I'm sitting between you guys, and you guys are like the angel and devil on my shoulder because

[55:10] I'm literally seeing it tomorrow, and I don't know who to believe here.

[55:13] And Guy Pearce is awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[55:15] Believe yourself.

[55:15] Yeah.

[55:16] Give me more Guy Pearce.

[55:17] Basically, anytime.

[55:18] Yeah.

[55:19] I wish they'd given Guy Pearce more to do.

[55:20] Morning, midnight.

[55:21] Well, what they gave him, he was great.

Elliott Kalan

[55:23] Okay, I'll give you that.

Stuart Wellington

[55:24] Okay, so, Iron Man 3, go see it, America.

[55:29] I would like to recommend it.

[55:30] Give it throat a bone.

[55:30] America has already seen it.

Dan McCoy

[55:32] I would like to recommend a movie called Wake in Fright, which is an Aussie horror film

[55:38] from 1971, which was a-

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] You mean an Aussie horror film, a movie starring Aussie Nelson.

[55:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:45] It was a largely forgotten movie.

[55:48] It came out to good reviews originally, but was not liked in its native Australia because

[55:55] it basically made the Australian Outback look like a hellhole full of crazy people.

Elliott Kalan

[56:02] Whereas now, it's properly portrayed as a steakhouse full of loom and onions.

[56:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:07] But this movie had a, like, there was a, from what I understand, they found a copy of this

[56:14] film right before basically it was going to be burned, and it got re-released.

[56:18] I remember it being at, like, the IFC Center in town last year and reading a lot of reviews,

[56:22] and it's out of Blu-ray now.

Elliott Kalan

[56:23] They talk about it in not quite Hollywood.

[56:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:26] The movie about Ozploitation movies.

Elliott Kalan

[56:27] And I feel like that sparked interest in it quite a bit more, too.

Dan McCoy

[56:31] Yeah.

[56:31] And it is very, like, this is the way I feel about it.

[56:36] I see so many movies, and I've seen so many movies that at this point, I've seen so many

[56:44] of the films that I am personally going to love.

[56:47] Like, I've tracked them down.

[56:48] I've had, like, sort of a sense of, like, what's going to be good and what I'm going

[56:51] to enjoy that it is a really big surprise when I really respond to something.

[56:57] There are a lot of movies that I see that I like, but not so many movies that I see that

[57:00] I love anymore.

[57:02] And I really enjoyed this movie.

[57:03] It was like sort of finding a lost masterpiece.

[57:07] And it had some of the same feeling of, like, watching something like The Wicker Man.

[57:11] But I feel like even if you haven't seen...

[57:13] With Nicholas Cage?

[57:13] If you haven't seen...

[57:14] Yeah.

[57:14] The original Wicker Man.

[57:15] If you haven't seen The Wicker Man...

[57:16] Yeah, with Nicholas Cage.

[57:16] I feel like it's been so long since it came out that the basic idea of it has been spoiled

[57:23] for you.

[57:24] Whereas, Wake and Fright, number one, there's no big twist to it.

[57:28] But number two, not much has been written about it.

[57:30] So, you're not going to get spoiled in the same way.

[57:33] And it's, you know, it's just about a guy who is a school teacher who goes out, who's

[57:38] on break.

[57:38] He's on vacation.

[57:40] He goes through the outback.

[57:41] He ends up losing all of his money in this tiny outback town, so he can't get to where

[57:45] he needs to go to.

[57:47] And it's a horror movie, but all of the horror in it is 100% psychological.

[57:52] And it's basically a descent into hell in the Australian outback.

[57:56] And I really enjoyed it.

[57:58] So, that's my recommendation.

[58:00] Wake and Fright.

Elliott Kalan

[58:01] I'm going to recommend two films, I think, which I've been doing a lot lately.

[58:06] Because I like movies so much.

[58:07] Wake and Fright and Iron Man 3?

[58:09] One is a little movie called Iron Man 3.

[58:11] Okay.

[58:12] Which I didn't like, but I'm recommending it.

[58:15] Because I hate everyone.

[58:16] Because I want you all to suffer.

[58:18] It's funny how I didn't like the things about it that you liked about it.

[58:22] But I think I would have liked those things if it was not an Iron Man movie.

[58:25] Okay.

[58:25] It was almost like I was expecting one kind of movie and got another one, but I wasn't

[58:29] delighted by the surprise.

[58:30] I was just going to like it.

[58:30] It was like the Dark Knight Rises element of it.

[58:34] Huh?

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] I think a lot of people had a certain expectation going into it, just like with Dark Knight Rises,

[58:41] and they got something different than what they were expecting.

[58:43] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:43] I think that's possibly the case.

[58:45] Yeah.

[58:45] So my two movies are not those.

[58:47] I wanted to recommend first a movie called Gregory's Girl, which is a UK small film from

[58:55] the early 80s.

[58:56] It's a Forsyth movie.

Dan McCoy

[58:59] Same guy did Local Hero, right?

Elliott Kalan

[59:00] Yeah, same guy did Local Hero.

[59:01] And it's very similar to Local Hero in the tone of it.

[59:04] And it's about basically like a bunch of kids at this Scottish high school.

[59:11] One of them is a soccer player.

[59:12] The main title character, Gregory, is a soccer player on the team.

[59:15] Always playing for keeps.

[59:16] He's always playing.

[59:17] Well, the problem is he's not playing for keeps.

[59:19] He doesn't take it seriously enough.

[59:20] And he's kind of this goofy, awkward kid.

[59:22] He has a crush on a girl who starts playing on the soccer team.

[59:26] And he has some friends who are also kind of looking for girls, but not in the like American

[59:33] pie, like we got to get laid.

[59:35] We're virgins.

[59:36] But more in the way of like a more it felt more real to me about like young guys who are

[59:40] interested in girls.

[59:41] They don't really know what to do with that interest or like how to talk to girls.

[59:45] And it made it did such a good job of portraying how at high school age girls feel older and

[59:51] more mature than guys.

[59:52] And the guys are just kind of like lost and treading water trying to figure out how to

[59:56] keep up with the girls.

[59:57] Don't know what to do.

[59:58] Yeah.

[59:59] And there's not a lot of plot in the movie, but there's a lot of incident.

[1:00:02] And it's very funny and very charming and like just a sweet movie.

[1:00:05] And like not a lot happens in it.

[1:00:07] But by the end of the movie, you feel that something has happened.

[1:00:09] Unlike playing for keeps, which is also a soccer movie where supposedly a lot happens,

[1:00:13] but nothing happens in it.

[1:00:15] So I really enjoyed Gregory's Girl.

[1:00:17] It's streaming on Netflix, but the version they have seems to have been a version that was

[1:00:22] released for American audiences where they redubbed a lot of the voices so that the Scottish

[1:00:26] accents were not quite as harsh.

[1:00:28] Kind of like Mad Max?

[1:00:29] Kind of.

[1:00:29] Yeah.

[1:00:30] Except it's very clear that they're all inside the same VO booth.

[1:00:33] So I want to try to find the original soundtrack version because that the tinniness of the

[1:00:38] sound kind of bugged me.

[1:00:38] It was a really good movie.

[1:00:39] And the other movie I want to recommend is because this is going to be old news by the

[1:00:42] time this podcast is released.

[1:00:44] But we're recording this about a day or two after the death of Ray Harryhausen.

[1:00:49] And I think I've mentioned on the podcast before personally what he meant to me growing up,

[1:00:53] what his work meant to me.

[1:00:55] And there are two kind of moments when my dad introduced me to movies that kind of set my

[1:01:00] life on a certain path.

[1:01:01] One of them is RoboCop and the other is The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad.

[1:01:05] When you became a robot cop.

[1:01:06] When I became a robot cop and also when I wanted a voyage to an island with a star-flax on it.

[1:01:09] Started taking nuke.

[1:01:12] I got really hopped up on nuke.

[1:01:13] Yeah.

[1:01:14] And started buying things for a dollar.

[1:01:20] No, just offering to buy things for a dollar.

[1:01:22] Oh, yeah.

[1:01:22] Not actually ever purchasing them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:24] No, no.

[1:01:24] It's good to be king, right?

[1:01:26] Wait.

[1:01:26] Hold on.

[1:01:27] That's a different movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:28] But he was very much a man who put a lot of himself into his work in a field that you

[1:01:34] don't often think that about, which is visual effects.

[1:01:37] And his work with character in his animated characters is so great.

[1:01:41] So I'd recommend, you know what?

[1:01:42] If you can find a Ray Harryhausen movie, watch it.

[1:01:45] But I especially recommend The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad and 20 Million Miles to Earth.

[1:01:49] 20 Million Miles to Earth especially has some of, I think, his best character work with the

[1:01:54] character of the Ymir.

[1:01:55] A Venusian, I think, monster who starts out little and tiny and then eventually grows

[1:02:01] to be gigantic.

[1:02:01] And the way Ray Harryhausen treats the character at each stage of his size change is pretty

[1:02:08] phenomenal in how natural it feels.

[1:02:10] So I'd like to just recognize the memory of Ray Harryhausen and tell you to go watch one

[1:02:15] of those movies.

[1:02:16] They're delightful and magical.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:18] Well, we really played for keeps tonight, guys.

[1:02:21] We kept what we played for.

[1:02:22] You've been saving that one up?

[1:02:23] Yeah.

[1:02:24] Since full circle.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:25] What's weird is he's been saving that one for months now.

[1:02:27] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:28] I was going to do it for the Smiley episode, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:30] Well, guys, we really played for lulz this time.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:34] Yeah.

[1:02:34] We just really did it for the funzos.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:37] That's my lulz.

[1:02:39] That's what I would say.

[1:02:40] That's my lulz?

[1:02:41] What?

[1:02:42] That's my boy?

[1:02:43] Oh, right.

[1:02:44] We watched that movie.

[1:02:45] What?

[1:02:46] So.

[1:02:47] Brats.

[1:02:48] For the Flophouse.

[1:02:50] Flophouse.

[1:02:50] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:53] And I'm.

[1:02:53] You've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:02:55] And he's been Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:58] And we are.

[1:02:59] The Flophouse.

[1:03:00] And he is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:01] Dan McCoy.

[1:03:02] And you are.

[1:03:03] Stuart Wellington.

[1:03:04] And that is.

[1:03:05] That's the computer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:07] And that is.

[1:03:09] A couch.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:09] And we are.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:12] And we're sitting at.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:13] A table.

[1:03:14] Good night, everyone.

[1:03:15] Good night?

[1:03:16] Good night.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:34] One thing I learned.

[1:03:35] Do not email Dan on Saturdays.

[1:03:37] And say.

[1:03:38] Get this.

[1:03:38] Get that movie up.

[1:03:39] Hey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:39] That happened to me too.

[1:03:41] And Dan was like.

[1:03:42] I'm fucking busy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:43] I didn't.

[1:03:44] It didn't happen to me.

[1:03:45] I just.

[1:03:45] I'm so busy.

[1:03:46] I can't do it.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:47] I'm going to Derby Day.

[1:03:48] I've been so busy drinking.

[1:03:50] And not watching a horse race.

[1:03:51] A social plan I had for a while.

[1:03:54] I.

[1:03:54] I'm sorry.

[1:03:55] I couldn't be there.

[1:03:55] I did my best to get it up as quickly as I could.

[1:03:58] But I had a lot of things.

[1:03:59] I never promised anyone that it would be up at a particular time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:02] Dan said all that in a different context.

[1:04:03] I did my best to get it up quickly.

[1:04:05] But there were other things.

[1:04:08] Get it?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:09] Talk about his wiener.

[1:04:10] Yeah.

The Flop House: Episode #126 - Playing for Keeps

Transcript

In this episode

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