The Flop House: Episode #127 - Safe Haven

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Safe Haven.

[0:02] And before we start, come out to see the Flophouse on Saturday, June 8th at 92Y Tribeca,

[0:08] where we'll be doing a live screening of Jaws the Revenge, complete with commentary.

[0:13] It's our last show in the venue before it closes, so please come on out.

[0:18] Check 92Y.org slash Tribeca for more details.

[0:30] hey everyone welcome to the flop house i'm dan mccoy yeah i'm stewart wellington and i'm elliot

[0:55] Kalen, number three,

[0:56] with a bullet. So, this is a little

[0:59] podcast where we watch

[1:01] a bad movie. Let's not talk

[1:03] ourselves down. This is a big, bold, brassy

[1:05] podcast. A little podcast about a big movie.

[1:06] This is the biggest little podcast

[1:08] in Texas. The smallest

[1:11] big podcast of the littlest

[1:13] Texas. It's the littlest, biggest

[1:14] Texas in the podcast bigs.

[1:16] It's big trouble in little podcasts.

[1:19] It's bigs, dark, lighter.

[1:20] And smally smalls. So, just reach

[1:23] over to your computer and click off.

[1:25] then drag this podcast

[1:27] to the delete can

[1:28] and let go.

[1:30] The delete can.

[1:31] You can either delete it

[1:33] or you can drag it

[1:34] to the trash can.

[1:35] I don't know about this.

[1:35] Do you have a delete can

[1:37] in this apartment?

[1:37] So Dan,

[1:39] what are we doing

[1:39] on this podcast?

[1:40] I have a recycling delete can.

[1:43] I asked you a question.

[1:44] How dare I?

[1:47] This is a podcast

[1:49] where we talk about bad movies

[1:50] and then we discuss them.

[1:52] Hold on.

[1:54] We talk about them and then we discuss them?

[1:56] Let me make sure I get the order correct

[1:58] because I'd hate to discuss it and then talk about it.

[2:00] All right.

[2:01] Very important.

[2:01] We watch a bad movie.

[2:03] You're the boss of this operation.

[2:04] And then we discuss it thereafter.

[2:06] And so we watched a bad movie tonight, did we not?

[2:09] We watched a little film called Safe Haven.

[2:11] Safe Haven.

[2:12] Safe.

[2:13] I would say Nicholas Sparks' joint.

[2:16] No, but it was directed by...

[2:19] It was directed by Lasse Hallström.

[2:21] Or how it's pronounced.

[2:22] who was a fairly big name in the international filmmaking world.

[2:26] Yeah, you may remember his indie film international breakthrough,

[2:31] My Life as a Dog.

[2:32] Yep, also known as The Wolfman.

[2:34] No actual dogs or wolves.

[2:37] Is that with James Spader and Jack Nicholson?

[2:39] No, you're thinking of Robot Cop Meets the Shaggy.

[2:43] I think the movie you're thinking of is The Shaggy D.A., actually.

[2:50] Yeah, yeah.

[2:52] He also did...

[2:53] The D.A. stood for Dinosaur Assassin.

[2:54] He did What's Eating Gilbert Grape,

[2:59] which was an early...

[3:01] Also a dinosaur.

[3:01] Leonardo DiCaprio film of note.

[3:05] He was nominated for an Academy Award, right?

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:06] His first nomination.

[3:07] But now he's making Nicholas Sparks movies.

[3:11] Yeah, and let me tell you,

[3:12] I wish he was making a movie...

[3:14] He made the shit out of this movie.

[3:14] If only he had made a movie of the band Sparks,

[3:17] which would have been awesome.

[3:18] A little late, maybe.

[3:21] I mean, they're still around.

[3:22] They didn't strike while the iron was hot.

[3:23] That's Sparks film.

[3:24] No, they probably should have made it 25, 30 years ago.

[3:27] But, you know.

[3:27] Isn't there an alcoholic beverage that's like a mixture of soda and booze called Sparks?

[3:33] Like one of those...

[3:34] It's a mixture of soda and a public park.

[3:36] You take dirt from a public park and it's a soda.

[3:40] I ask a genuine question here, dudes.

[3:42] Well, you're the bartender.

[3:43] You should know.

[3:44] Yeah, don't pay that close attention to what I give people.

[3:46] People ask, they're like, make me a Manhattan.

[3:48] And you're like, you got it.

[3:49] Jägermeister and beer.

[3:51] make me a make me a cosmopolitan all right here's here's uh a baby's diaper and some ammonia

[3:59] here's 12 olives served with some roses lime juice

[4:04] get me make me an appletini still boozing that all right well here's here's an apple and i put

[4:09] a razor blade in it ouch i call that pulling a night of the demons uh but so this movie is based

[4:17] on a novel by nicholas sparks romance genius he's best known for writing knocking it out of the park

[4:23] for ladies uh the notebook is one of them the notebook uh the story of oh i think is another

[4:30] and of course uh uh blood oh um uh blood meridian yeah i think it's also a nicholas sparks novel or

[4:39] the uh color of the evening sky in the west what is the subtitle of that oh yeah something like

[4:44] that anyway anyway he writes novels i've never read any of them of them not i i'm not making

[4:49] any judgment calls they're just not my taste you know i like historical non-fiction books about

[4:55] presidents or you know how pencils get made and you like your romance to be more in the line of

[5:02] two television characters fucking each other you find these stories on the internet rather than

[5:08] purchasing them well i read some very good ones about uh dana scully and fox molder and some also

[5:13] very good ones

[5:14] about Will and Grace

[5:15] turns out

[5:16] he's not as gay

[5:16] as he thinks

[5:17] in this fan fiction

[5:18] quite ribbled

[5:19] tails

[5:20] yeah quite ribbled

[5:21] ribbled for her pleasure

[5:23] so should we talk

[5:25] about what happens

[5:25] in this movie

[5:26] I don't want to talk

[5:26] about anything anymore

[5:27] there's not much

[5:28] that happens in this movie

[5:29] actually

[5:30] this is a movie

[5:30] that's almost

[5:31] two hours long

[5:32] and I know we harp

[5:33] on length a lot

[5:34] this is almost

[5:34] two hours long

[5:35] and there is

[5:36] enough story in here

[5:37] for maybe an episode

[5:38] of like

[5:39] I don't know

[5:40] like a half hour

[5:41] anthology film

[5:42] well I gotta say

[5:43] It's a complicated episode of Wings, basically.

[5:45] There are actual plot developments in this movie,

[5:48] but they are dispensed with so quickly,

[5:51] whereas the rest of the movie,

[5:52] where nothing has happened,

[5:54] it happens at great length.

[5:55] This is a film that's rife with incident.

[5:59] Yes.

[6:00] Right?

[6:00] That's what you said.

[6:01] Last episode, I recommended a movie called Gregory's Girl,

[6:05] which is basically a series of small incidents.

[6:08] They're very entertaining and charming,

[6:09] and you get a sense of the characters.

[6:11] This movie is a series of small incidents where nothing happens.

[6:14] You get a sense of nobody.

[6:16] And it feels like a lot of shots that were them killing time before they started shooting the movie.

[6:21] It's like if you decided to base a movie on, like, a commercial, the footage in a prescription drug commercial where it's just silently showing people, like, shopping or doing crafts while they read the side effects, that's what this movie feels like.

[6:36] They remove the narration about the side effects of the drug and they're just showing you those scenes.

[6:40] But then with 40 minutes left, the movie springs a number of melodramatic traps on you.

[6:45] It turns into a thriller.

[6:46] Yeah.

[6:47] I mean, it starts like a thriller.

[6:49] It starts like a thriller.

[6:49] Should we talk about it?

[6:51] Let's say what happens.

[6:52] Okay.

[6:52] So our heroine, Katie, Juliana Haug, how is her name pronounced?

[6:56] Haug.

[6:57] Haug.

[6:58] She's a former Dancing with the Stars champion, not in the movie, in real life.

[7:01] Our heroine, Katie.

[7:03] Also star of Rock of Ages, which...

[7:07] We didn't recognize her at all.

[7:08] I mean, Stewart has an excuse.

[7:10] He wasn't here, but neither Elliot nor I was able to determine that.

[7:13] At all, yeah.

[7:15] But meanwhile, Colby Smulders, everyone recognized right off the bat.

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:19] Well, Colby, come on.

[7:21] And she's Smulders.

[7:22] Yeah.

[7:22] She's from a hit TV show, Elliot.

[7:25] That's hilarious.

[7:25] Yes, she is.

[7:26] About the method in which one meets one's mother.

[7:29] The Shield with Michael Chiklis?

[7:29] Not The Shield with Michael Chiklis, no.

[7:33] So, okay.

[7:35] Katie, our main character, played by the dancing girl.

[7:37] Yeah.

[7:38] She is running for her life, it seems.

[7:40] She's got a bloody knife in her hand, and we don't know what's going on.

[7:44] It's very chaotic, Brittany Kevin chaotic even.

[7:47] And she goes to the bus stop.

[7:50] Suddenly, she's got short blonde hair.

[7:52] She was a brunette a second ago.

[7:53] She's at the bus station.

[7:55] She gets on a bus.

[7:56] A cop is running after her with her picture.

[7:58] Did you see this woman?

[7:59] Did you see this woman?

[8:00] We assume she just killed a man, and now she's on the run from the police.

[8:03] But she gets away.

[8:06] The cop does his best to ignore the one witness who starts giving him information.

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:10] There is one guy.

[8:12] He shows this guy her picture.

[8:15] She's a brunette with long hair.

[8:16] He goes, you see this woman?

[8:17] You see this woman?

[8:17] And he starts walking away.

[8:18] And the guy's like, yeah, but she's a blonde with short hair.

[8:20] And he's already walking away.

[8:22] That was the lead that could have cracked the case.

[8:25] No.

[8:25] So she takes a long distance bus.

[8:28] And she ends up in the small town in North Carolina that we named Point Awkward.

[8:33] Because it's a little harbor town where every conversation anyone has is very awkward with lots of stuttering and stop starts.

[8:40] No one knows what to say.

[8:41] And no one knows how to open a door.

[8:43] Every time anyone tries to open any door in this movie, it either sticks, they pull it too hard, they hit someone with it, I imagine.

[8:50] Like, it's crazy.

[8:51] It's like this town, the door was just introduced to it.

[8:55] It's like one of those towns you read about in old science fiction stories from the 19th century where they find like a little town nestled in a valley that's still living like it's medieval or caveman times.

[9:05] But here it's just that the door just never made it to them.

[9:08] And now finally they have doors, you know.

[9:09] Some kind of music man.

[9:11] Caveman doors.

[9:12] Some kind of music man type character came to this town and sold them a bunch of doors.

[9:16] Nobody knows how to use them.

[9:17] But anyway, she enters this quaint little cottage town.

[9:21] She buys a spooky house in the woods.

[9:23] The floorboards immediately break, and there's possums underneath.

[9:26] Not as possum as it sounds.

[9:30] She gets a job as a waitress at Ivan's, a seaside shack.

[9:35] Actually, it's just a seaside seafood restaurant.

[9:37] And goes down to the local general store, the trading post, to pick up some provisions

[9:43] and encounters a cute little girl named Lexi who's manning the register because her dad is busy.

[9:49] Her dad is a single father widower who has a young daughter and a young son named Josh.

[9:54] And Josh is depressed, still sad his mom died, is having trouble getting over it, and he loves to fish.

[9:59] Those are his two character traits.

[10:01] Also, he hates having his picture taken, which is something that never really comes to anything.

[10:06] The widower is played by Josh Duhamel.

[10:10] Yeah, yeah.

[10:11] You might remember him from one of those Transformer movies or from Being the Poor Man's Timothy Oliphant.

[10:18] What was the TV show that he was on?

[10:20] Las Vegas, where his character's name was Danny McCoy.

[10:22] Wow, based on our Danny McCoy.

[10:24] Yep.

[10:24] Less handsome than ours.

[10:26] Yeah, I remember that whole storyline.

[10:28] It was like half a season where he tore his ACL.

[10:30] Yeah.

[10:31] And he would not shut up about it.

[10:33] He would not stop talking about it.

[10:35] Like, James Caan, give me some sympathy.

[10:36] James Caan was on that show.

[10:38] It wasn't just an exclamation.

[10:41] Oh, James Caan, I could get so mad at you.

[10:43] Or like he stuffed his toe and goes, oh, James Caan.

[10:47] Anyway, a lot of nothing happens as the main characters, Katie and the guy's name is Alex, fall in love together.

[10:56] And she makes a friend in town named Joe, played by Cobie Smulders.

[10:59] She makes a friend with this lady, Joe, who's always hanging around at her house, walking with her down the backcountry roads.

[11:06] Joe shows up one day just peering into her rickety old house.

[11:12] And she's like, oh, sorry, I heard someone new moved in.

[11:16] I just want to see who you were, et cetera.

[11:19] And they become fast friends, because that's how it happens.

[11:22] When you find someone peering into your home, you become fast friends with them.

[11:25] Yeah, somebody haunting around the outside of your house.

[11:27] Haunting? That seems like a weird choice of words, but okay.

[11:30] I mean, it's pretty common.

[11:31] Now, here's the thing. There's a twist with Jo.

[11:33] And for the first couple scenes, I'm sure the twist would be that she's a lesbian who has a crush on Katie.

[11:37] Because she is very attentive to Katie.

[11:40] And she always seems kind of awkward in a way that you would be if you had a crush on somebody.

[11:45] But meanwhile, back in Boston, where she ran away from, the police officer is desperately trying to find her.

[11:53] He's desperately seeking Susan, if her name was Susan.

[11:56] If her name was Katie, it was this movie.

[11:58] He's going through all the bus depot security cameras.

[12:01] He takes hours, days to do it, which makes no sense, because he knows exactly what time she got to the bus station.

[12:08] It's a needle in a haystack, isn't it?

[12:09] Yeah, it doesn't know. It shouldn't be, though.

[12:10] And he puts out an APB.

[12:12] He's drinking heavily vodka out of a Dasani water bottle.

[12:15] Dasani must have paid heavily to be featured in this film.

[12:20] They're like, Dasani, the best bottle to use when you're pretending you're not an alcoholic.

[12:23] Dasani, buy our bottle.

[12:25] Maybe there'll be vodka in it.

[12:27] You never know.

[12:28] Don't settle for normal water like Poland Spring when maybe you could get a little nip of vodka.

[12:33] Get a little something extra in there.

[12:36] Get some of Sergi's medicine.

[12:37] The old potato water.

[12:39] Makes Mama's day go faster.

[12:42] Dago, Dan, in this day and age,

[12:44] to use language like that,

[12:45] I am offended and insulted.

[12:48] I'm sorry.

[12:49] I almost think that is an actual regular water you're drinking,

[12:53] and in fact, it's potato water.

[12:54] Anyway, I just realized now,

[12:58] glancing at the Wikipedia thing,

[12:59] that it describes Kevin, the police officer,

[13:02] and it says, meanwhile, Kevin,

[13:03] a rather husky Boston police officer.

[13:06] They don't know what husky means.

[13:08] It's got to be from the book or something.

[13:10] I think that he has a husky voice,

[13:12] is what they mean like he's he's very ragged real jessica rabbit type maybe they think yeah maybe

[13:18] they brought a kathleen turner in to do the voice i think it means like uh tough like a husky dog

[13:23] like uh yeah yeah like you're you're all the while when you're sure if you will not like

[13:29] not like he's gonna be uh shopping for his overalls in the like the oversized section

[13:36] of the story

[13:36] in the stout boys section

[13:37] so we could be

[13:40] giving some huskies

[13:41] actually in very good shape

[13:42] anyway

[13:43] let's cut to the chase

[13:44] Alex and Kate

[13:46] yeah Alex right

[13:47] is the

[13:47] Alex and Katie

[13:48] fall in love

[13:48] Lexi takes to her instantly

[13:50] I just realized

[13:51] how weird it is

[13:52] that his name is Alex

[13:53] and his daughter's name

[13:53] is Lexi

[13:55] yeah

[13:55] it's like George Foreman

[13:56] Will and Willow

[13:58] Will Smith

[13:59] and his daughter

[13:59] Willow Smith

[14:00] yeah exactly

[14:00] and his son

[14:01] Will-er

[14:02] Smith

[14:02] the male version

[14:03] and his other son

[14:04] Will-I-am

[14:05] really that's his son yeah yeah and his other son will be the guy

[14:11] talks to rats and that guy stewart bailed on that one so they fall in love bailed to drink out of

[14:21] his bottle of water i see if i was gonna list for you yeah water yeah potato water if i was gonna

[14:27] list for you all the things that happen this movie it would sound like this they go to the beach they

[14:31] sell popcorn to some people on a bus they go canoeing and it rains it is she stabs a flounder

[14:37] with a gib with a spear she gigs she gigs a flounder by spearing it with a spear he makes

[14:42] her a bicycle she doesn't want to accept it at first then she does they make out they talk about

[14:47] how to grill a flounder for a while they have the best maybe the best snippet of film conversation i

[14:52] think i've ever heard in a date where it's they were canoeing and it rained really hard yeah they

[14:57] somehow ran to a diner and this diner what's weird is nobody everyone in the diner acts as if they

[15:02] can't see them and just ignores them which makes me think that for a second i was like wait are

[15:06] they supposed to be ghosts like what's going on do they die on that it's impossible there's no

[15:10] character that's a ghost how could there be there's nothing supernatural in the movie so how could

[15:13] there be uh but then the movie dissolves to later in their conversation talking it dissolves later

[15:18] in conversation it's like a fucking horror movie where you just you hear him say what what's weird

[15:23] is gorillas are so strong but they don't eat meat they just eat like fruits and vegetables and kale

[15:28] and she goes kale is very good for you it's very healthy and he's like yeah but it's like is it

[15:34] genetic then yeah like no shit totally yeah a gorilla's strength isn't genetic no it's working

[15:38] out at the at the local gym no that that gorilla has a subscription to jack la lane's well again

[15:44] this is more this is more product placement this was kale this was part of kale's short-lived

[15:48] gorilla strong campaign oh and the kale council was trying to try to sell more to gorillas yeah

[15:53] be strong be gorilla strong eat kale they should have advertised in zookeeper yeah and then the

[16:01] gorilla primates whatever that was instead of ordering oranges at tj friday should have ordered

[16:06] a big bowl of kale said helps keep me strong along with my healthy genes anyway so bugle boy jeans

[16:14] what nothing you say bugle boy jeans no i might have said that yes so this is the most free

[16:21] association someone said it flophouse yet uh so they they get home late they they make out he the

[16:27] dad gets home late and his daughter's mad at him for about two seconds but uh-oh then we learn get

[16:33] ready for a shocking twist shocking twist the police officer who seems to have totally free

[16:38] access to the crime scene at any point he's on a rampage he's on a rampage and he keeps harassing

[16:43] this neighbor woman who might be katie's mother who lives across the street who won't let her in

[16:48] the house but it turns out there's a twist he's not a police officer investigating no he is a

[16:54] police officer he is her husband bum bum bum her alcoholic abusive husband who as we see in a

[17:01] flashback a flashback so strong it knocks katie off the bicycle she's riding yeah she is riding

[17:08] home after uh josh duhamel's uh briefly breaks up with her thinking that she is actually a

[17:14] murderess oh that's right i forgot the cop puts out an apb and the local police who are so

[17:18] distracted by the fireworks they're planning for the fourth of july that they don't see what they're

[17:22] they put up the poster which has an artist's simulation of what she looks like now with her

[17:28] new hair uh josh duhamel sees it and he says he puts what two and one together yeah and to make

[17:35] to make hate and uh meanwhile the cops still playing that fireworks display uh they he goes

[17:41] back he says you're an attempted murderer your name is aaron you weren't gonna tell me these

[17:45] things and she's like i'm sorry and he's like that's it you endangered my children forget it

[17:49] and instead of explaining what actually happened she hops on her bicycle and rides away and the

[17:53] memory is so just hits her so surprisingly and uh it turns out one night her cop husband came home

[18:01] to dinner was drinking too much wine she said she took the wine bottle away from the table and he

[18:09] said i didn't say i was done with that and they get our star arguing he gets so mad he crushes a

[18:15] wine glass and then he's hitting her really hard and then she stabs him in the side and then puts

[18:20] a bunch of clothes in a plastic bag and i guess maybe it's money i don't know and runs out of the

[18:25] house gets on the bus and escapes so we know takes all his favorite shirts this isn't this isn't yeah

[18:30] it's just like the great gatsby such beautiful shirts i have to take them with me uh he we know

[18:36] this isn't his job this is vengeance he wants his wife back i mean what with a vengeance with a

[18:43] vengeance all right i couldn't think of a sinister way to end it i've got a couple of objections if

[18:48] he can't have his wife no one will yeah i have two objections to this scene uh one semi-moral

[18:55] one uh just cinematic the first is that this movie is so terrible that the movie does not

[19:01] earn this like twist domestic violence scene which is genuinely upsetting to watch i feel like

[19:08] but number two just as a point of staging in the film um the our main character seems so in love

[19:16] with him at the beginning of the scene and then it escalates so quickly that it seems like you

[19:21] you kind of have to assume that this is supposed to be a pattern of abuse but it plays like this

[19:27] is the first time the first time it's ever happened and it escalated all the way to her

[19:31] stabbing him and running away immediately well they're passionate people and i don't think any

[19:35] of us have that much experience in uh being in abusive relationships dan except for potentially

[19:40] this one between me and you right now sure so you are both drinking uh but i think it was awesome

[19:49] and it was almost in black and white so that's how you know it was in the past wait what almost

[19:54] in black and white what does that mean it was like two-tone it was like it was like saturated

[19:58] the colors were saturated but uh oh let's take a moment at this melodramatic twist now that you're

[20:04] excited about the movie to point out one thing which is that as uh stewart i think was who

[20:08] mentioned this while we were watching the movie that this is the perfect follow-up to playing for

[20:11] keeps because there's also a charisma-less personality-less person who everyone in town

[20:17] falls in love with the minute katie rides into town she's very pretty yeah everyone's up in her

[20:22] business she's got she's got a totally sweet bottom and she wears shorts all the time but

[20:26] she's she knows that it was not me saying that no it was me i'll admit it for dan must have thrown

[20:32] his voice about a character with arguably a character who like you know we can assume that

[20:37] She marries that guy after the movie's end.

[20:40] So he's talking about two people's wives in this.

[20:42] I have the reputation about talking about wives' asses.

[20:48] Because you did that.

[20:49] Yeah, no.

[20:49] It's a fictional character I'm talking about, Dan.

[20:51] All right.

[20:52] With a fictional butt.

[20:53] Okay.

[20:53] She's played by a real person.

[20:55] It's a real butt.

[20:55] But it's a fake butt.

[20:57] Oh, okay.

[20:58] It's a stunt butt.

[20:59] Okay.

[21:00] It's all CGI.

[21:01] It's Kevin Costner's stunt butt from Prince of Thieves.

[21:05] It's just like the way they did the crow.

[21:07] where they digitally added Brandon Lee's face to a different actor.

[21:10] They digitally added someone else's butt to her, I assume.

[21:13] That's why that butt fell into the uncanny valley.

[21:16] The butt uncanny valley.

[21:18] I was like, oh, it's a good butt, but it feels creepy, too.

[21:21] It looks a little too good, not quite good enough.

[21:24] Anyway, she's very standoffish.

[21:27] She's very awkward.

[21:28] She's kind of cold to everybody,

[21:30] and yet they all fall over their feet for her, everybody in town.

[21:34] She's got this Joe potential lesbian chasing her around.

[21:36] She's got a job right off the bat.

[21:38] She's really attracting this widower with the cute kids in the store,

[21:41] a businessman, a small business owner.

[21:43] Yeah.

[21:43] But she has no, there's nothing about her with the audience that falls in love with her.

[21:47] She talks her way into this beautiful cabin out in the woods.

[21:49] Yep.

[21:50] Every time they show her house, it does look like the evil dead are about to get her,

[21:54] or as Dan, I think, said, that she's about to be straw dogs.

[21:57] My favorite thing is that the one home improvement thing she does is paints the floor.

[22:03] She paints the floor yellow.

[22:04] Yeah, the rest of it looks like it's falling to pieces.

[22:06] Yeah, it's a real Tucker and Dale versus people repair job.

[22:10] She also paints the floor that she's already stepped through once.

[22:13] And then they step through it again.

[22:15] Yeah, this floor is rotten with termites.

[22:17] I know what's going to fix this.

[22:18] It's a good coat of paint.

[22:19] That'll keep the possums out.

[22:20] So I guess what I'm saying is I have to assume...

[22:23] Possum sappers underneath her house.

[22:25] I have to assume...

[22:25] Sappers?

[22:26] Sabotaging it?

[22:28] I have to assume that everyone in town just really fell for her butt.

[22:32] Yeah, sure.

[22:33] She doesn't have any real personality going for her.

[22:35] It's a poorly written character, is what I'm saying.

[22:38] But anyway, so melodrama.

[22:40] We're back.

[22:41] They've broken up.

[22:42] Then the husband's on her trail.

[22:44] We know it's her husband.

[22:45] He gets his boss, sets him down, takes his vodka away, and says,

[22:52] I'm going to need your gun and badge.

[22:54] Yeah, you're too sweaty to work.

[22:55] Try to towel off.

[22:59] Then you can go back to your desk.

[23:00] We've had a lot of reports about you being too sweaty.

[23:03] around suspects.

[23:04] We've got moistness rules

[23:05] around here.

[23:06] There's the point in the movie

[23:07] where it does look like

[23:08] some crazy guy's

[23:09] bitten him on the hand

[23:10] and he's slowly becoming

[23:11] a zombie infected thing.

[23:12] Yeah.

[23:13] He is,

[23:13] his performance goes quickly

[23:15] from no personality

[23:18] to shambling horror.

[23:19] And it's like,

[23:22] someone is,

[23:23] it's like he's in the late stages

[23:24] of a movie disease

[23:25] of some kind

[23:26] where it's just sweat

[23:27] pouring off his face

[23:28] and huge bags under his eyes

[23:29] and he's like,

[23:29] uh,

[23:30] uh,

[23:31] uh,

[23:32] like he just doesn't know where he is so anyway he decides he's going to track this bitch down

[23:36] he doesn't use those words but he's going to track this lady down meanwhile alex and katie

[23:41] get back together again yeah uh he apologizes for jumping to conclusions jumping to conclusions

[23:47] based on this poster that says suspected murder this person of interest wanted poster down

[23:55] well i'm glad to be able to get over this and out of the way so we can focus on this fireworks

[23:59] because the fireworks display is coming up they have really built this thing up and let me tell

[24:03] you it does not live up to the hype no i've seen a few fireworks i consider myself an american

[24:08] patriot fourth of july just isn't the same without a bunch of fireworks i've seen some good some damn

[24:14] good firework shows and let me tell you point awkward's firework show does not stack up it's

[24:19] just a couple of explosions of color the night sky even it's kind of like fireworks are all bang

[24:23] Bang, bang

[24:25] Bang

[24:27] Explosion

[24:28] It's like if Antonioni directed a fireworks display

[24:31] I really wanted to get across the ennui of the fireworks

[24:34] The anticipation makes each firework better

[24:36] Yeah, it's tantric fireworks

[24:37] You hold off for five hours

[24:40] And then you can do fireworks for seven hours

[24:42] Maybe that's what makes this play so good

[24:45] Maybe it's just a fireworks display that continues for a whole week

[24:48] And we're just singing

[24:50] It just goes out in slow time

[24:51] There's a couple great characters in the Fourth of July celebration,

[24:55] by which I mean people with giant papier-mâché Founding Fathers heads.

[24:58] Oh, yeah, those are good.

[24:59] There's a Franklin, a Washington, and a Lincoln.

[25:02] Not a Founding Father, but he's just like so.

[25:03] There's a Franklin and a Bash.

[25:05] Yeah, exactly.

[25:08] Our two best Founding Fathers.

[25:09] Yeah, there's a Key and a Peel.

[25:12] A Rizzoli and Isles.

[25:14] Both a Cagney and a Lacey.

[25:19] Yeah, a Kate and Allie.

[25:20] Wait, no.

[25:21] A Fat Man and a Jake.

[25:23] A Simon and Simon.

[25:25] A Patty Duke and Patty Duke.

[25:27] Sure.

[25:28] An Amos and Andy.

[25:30] Okay.

[25:30] And so forth.

[25:33] And you get the idea.

[25:34] Things that come in two with an and in the middle.

[25:36] Yeah, say a couple of them to yourself.

[25:38] You know, like Milo and Otis.

[25:39] Play at home.

[25:39] The Flophouse Home Game.

[25:40] Yeah.

[25:41] Pause the podcast right now.

[25:43] Pause it right now.

[25:44] And for 25 minutes, just name duos that have and in the middle.

[25:48] Coke and Dagger, Luke Cage and Power Man, Heroes for Hire.

[25:52] Yeah.

[25:54] Okay, you're back.

[25:56] Jacoby and Myers.

[25:57] Giant foam ones of those.

[26:02] So, yeah, it's a great party.

[26:04] Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man.

[26:07] Everybody's waiting.

[26:08] Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.

[26:09] Anyway, there's a 4th of July party going on.

[26:12] Everybody loves it.

[26:13] The dad and the son decide to go off.

[26:15] he's come around a little bit to accepting katie and as a member of their group he was very

[26:20] resistant because he missed his mom uh and katie stays behind i mean with lexi but uh-oh and nobody

[26:27] seems to care that this shambling horror of a detective is lurching about town during the fourth

[26:33] of july parade he's literally wandering through the middle of the parade accosting every blonde

[26:39] woman he sees the police so busy rigging up the fireworks the pyrotechnics are just not stopping

[26:44] him it is like there's so many times this movie where you ask yourself am i the only one who can

[26:49] see this guy like is everyone in the movie can they see him is he actually there or did like i

[26:54] dream and it turns out that he's a ghost because yeah there's no ghost there's no ghost in this

[27:00] world there's nothing that's let us there's if the most supernatural thing we've seen in the movie

[27:04] is someone break their foot through a floorboard and that's not supernatural it was clearly the

[27:09] work of some possum underneath the house yeah not even a ghost possum probably not probably not

[27:14] It could be a ghost possum.

[27:14] There's a pretty creepy one.

[27:15] Now, okay.

[27:17] Katie falls asleep and has a dream that Joe, her best friend, the possible lesbian, and not at all a ghost.

[27:25] Joe tells her, your husband's here.

[27:28] She wakes up.

[27:29] She sees it's true.

[27:30] He's outside.

[27:31] She goes down to try to calm him down and make him leave.

[27:33] Talk him off.

[27:34] Talk him away.

[27:35] He's like, I love you.

[27:38] And she says, no, I'm...

[27:40] She goes, let me take you.

[27:41] He goes, let me take you home.

[27:42] And she goes, I am home.

[27:43] And then he pulls a gun.

[27:46] Bum, bum, bum.

[27:47] Oh, no, he didn't pull the gun yet, right?

[27:48] He probably pulls a gun.

[27:49] He starts spraying gasoline all over the place, and he's about to light it on fire, and she stops him.

[27:53] He pulls a gun, and they walk away, and fireworks, little, you know, flares, sparks.

[28:02] In addition to stirring fires within the hearts of all true patriots.

[28:06] Yeah, fireworks are dangerous because they might set a fire where a crazy person has spread gas all over.

[28:14] All over the country store.

[28:15] Yeah.

[28:15] And that's exactly what happens.

[28:16] Goes up in flames.

[28:17] No, Lexi, the cute little girl, is up there.

[28:20] That's kind of why I appreciate our state's strict anti-fireworks laws.

[28:23] Yeah.

[28:23] Can't buy them, can't set them off, except with municipal permission.

[28:28] Now, there's a fire raging.

[28:31] A fire raging inside us.

[28:33] It's called heartburn.

[28:36] I'm here to talk to you

[28:38] Because it's not really your heart

[28:39] It's me, your stomach

[28:41] Do you guys remember those old ads?

[28:43] You're my stomach?

[28:46] Is that the twist in Safe Haven?

[28:49] The twist in Safe Haven is I'm Dan's stomach

[28:51] That doesn't make sense

[28:53] Wait, hold on

[28:54] I'm going back over

[28:56] It does make sense

[28:58] Remember when all that food you ate went into me?

[29:00] Every piece

[29:01] I've never seen you and my stomach in the same room before

[29:05] Gotta go

[29:06] It's like a real M. Night Shyamalan ending

[29:09] It's called

[29:11] The Sixth Stomach

[29:11] Or The Stomach Sense

[29:13] Also undigestible

[29:15] And let's not forget

[29:17] Stomach in the water

[29:21] I think it would be tummy in the water

[29:24] Tummy in the water

[29:24] What are the movies

[29:26] I guess crap comes out of your stomach

[29:30] Yeah sure

[29:30] Anyway so there's a fire raging

[29:33] Uh oh she goes no

[29:35] Oh, the dad sees it happening.

[29:36] He raises back, saves his daughter.

[29:39] And meanwhile, Kristen and her husband are...

[29:43] It's Katie.

[29:43] Katie, whatever.

[29:44] Katie and her husband, who cares?

[29:46] Who the fuck cares?

[29:48] Katie and her husband are fighting.

[29:51] He's got a gun.

[29:51] Ah, oh no.

[29:53] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[29:55] And she pulls the trigger.

[29:56] Boom, shoots him in the head.

[29:58] And he's dead.

[29:59] Oh, but he's not...

[30:00] It's another dead infected.

[30:01] He's not the only...

[30:02] Another movie solved by killing someone.

[30:05] also forgot to mention earlier in the movie that the sun falls into the water katie sees it and

[30:09] goes no and that that's what tips off the dad that he needs to jump in and save him so everyone

[30:14] saved the kids by this point now okay movie's over movie's over right the evil husband is dead

[30:21] we can move on with our lives it turns out movies go are thankfully ghost free

[30:25] ended the movie with no ghosts in it not a hint of the supernatural or the eerie

[30:31] no need to call the ghostbusters because we are in control

[30:34] not a sight of a phantasm nor a hint the various drop of ectoplasm nothing not even ecto cooler

[30:44] no slimer no poltergeists no ghosts of christmas past present or future not even a poultry geist

[30:53] no specters not even willie geist of msnbc's morning joe nothing uh so but it turns out

[31:00] the widow the wife before she died wrote letters to all the children and they're labeled like

[31:05] to lexi on her 18th birthday to josh on his graduation to wong fu thanks for everything

[31:10] i mean that's the whole letter but yeah uh and uh she's written one that says to her and it's to

[31:17] whoever the husband falls in love with next and it is a long rambling and it starts you skank

[31:24] get away from my husband oh get your hands off my man and then a ghost jumps out of the envelope

[31:29] up in strangles or no i wish anyway uh it's just like the end of drag me to hell where the not bad

[31:36] person who went to a lot of trouble gets dragged hell anyway but uh spoiler that's the moral

[31:41] the moral is check your fucking pockets before you get on a train that's the moral of drag me

[31:46] to hell check all your pockets so you know you don't have a cursed coin in your pocket

[31:50] oh it's a cursed button in your pocket it's not it's one of those morals that's really

[31:56] applicable in day-to-day life yeah check your pockets is a great moral if you live in a place

[32:01] with scorpions check your shoes too there could be a scorpion or a cursed button in it spay and

[32:05] neuter your pets i'm bob barker for the price is right

[32:09] it's literally just the theme song to the price is right i don't know man safe haven anyway

[32:24] So Katie is reading the letter

[32:27] Their safe haven has been burned to the ground

[32:28] Burned to a crisp

[32:29] Extra down to the ground

[32:31] It is blackened, crispy style

[32:33] It is occasion style

[32:36] Just gumbo

[32:38] You guarantee that safe haven is gone

[32:41] And she reads this letter

[32:42] That's like to the woman

[32:44] My husband is in love with

[32:46] I hope you love him too because he gave you this letter

[32:48] He loves you, take care of him, blah blah blah

[32:50] I'm glad he's found, do we need somebody, etc

[32:52] and don't mess up my kids for life and you know what's coming from a while away you're waiting

[32:58] for the reveal it's you and they just take so long to reveal it and then finally you see a picture

[33:04] of the wife who died it's joe her friend joe that you realize now nobody ever saw or interacted with

[33:13] robin scherbatsky asian of shield she was cut to shots from earlier in the movie and now this

[33:19] character is disappearing from every single one.

[33:21] Never there.

[33:22] Like her parents didn't get married and back to the future.

[33:24] Ghosts apparently don't exist.

[33:24] She just came back to vet her husband's new wife.

[33:28] Yep.

[33:28] So a movie that...

[33:31] I could see you fucking my husband.

[33:32] A movie...

[33:33] You know what?

[33:34] I mean, she probably did.

[33:35] They probably had a shot of her, like, watching it through the window.

[33:38] Yeah, that's the stuff.

[33:39] She checked out...

[33:40] Yeah, now work it more.

[33:42] Come on.

[33:43] Come on.

[33:44] Don't be frightened.

[33:45] It's not going to hurt you.

[33:46] Keep going.

[33:47] He knows what you're doing.

[33:48] Oh, he doesn't like that.

[33:49] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[33:50] Don't put that there.

[33:50] No, no, no, no.

[33:52] He's got issues.

[33:52] No, no, no, no.

[33:54] Okay, yes.

[33:54] Okay, no.

[33:55] Okay.

[33:55] Slower.

[33:56] Fast.

[33:57] Now faster.

[33:57] Slower again.

[33:58] No, no, too slow.

[33:59] Now upside down.

[34:00] Okay.

[34:01] Okay.

[34:02] Now twice.

[34:03] Why don't you guys take a break?

[34:04] You need a breather.

[34:04] You're just not getting it.

[34:06] Let me show you.

[34:06] Take the masks off.

[34:07] Let me ghost fuck him to show you what I'm talking about because you obviously have no

[34:11] idea what you're doing.

[34:12] I'm amazed you got this far in life without knowing how to do it.

[34:16] Let a ghost teach you how to have sex, because that's how bad you are at it.

[34:19] Man.

[34:20] What an angry ghost.

[34:22] We've learned from Ghostbusters that ghosts have great blowjobs, so maybe they're good at sex, too.

[34:27] They make your eyes go cross-eyed.

[34:28] They make you go cross-eyed in a scene that shouldn't be in the movie.

[34:31] So anyway, this movie that has not had a hint of the supernatural ends with a ghost reveal.

[34:40] Boom.

[34:40] Thanks, Nicholas Sparks.

[34:41] Thanks, Dave Haven.

[34:43] You did it.

[34:43] He done it again.

[34:44] I'm done with you.

[34:45] Now, three things about this movie.

[34:47] It's great for me because I don't like romances, but I love ghosts.

[34:50] So Stuart was like, I hate this movie.

[34:52] And then you know it was a ghost, and you were like, I love this movie.

[34:55] And you're like, Stuart, are you okay?

[34:57] Are you crying?

[34:59] I'm not crying at that ghost.

[35:02] And so we all agreed the movie should have been called Ghost Mom or,

[35:06] hell, my mom is a ghost.

[35:07] Or shut up, ghost.

[35:09] Or I divorced a ghost.

[35:10] I don't think you divorced a ghost.

[35:14] Did you see when somebody dies of cancer?

[35:15] Yes.

[35:16] I just divorced this ghost.

[35:17] Till death do we part, but not really.

[35:20] So there are three things about this movie.

[35:24] One, it is super slow and super dull,

[35:27] but to the point where for the first hour of the movie,

[35:30] almost nothing is happening,

[35:32] but so little is happening that it feels ominous,

[35:34] and you're waiting for some terrible, like, I was halfway.

[35:38] Some audition-esque reveal.

[35:40] Well, that's what tips the movie more than anything.

[35:42] You're like, there's got to be more to the movie than this.

[35:44] And the comparison I was making to you guys was it's like in Casino Royale, after they've stopped Le Chiffre, they won the big Texas Hold'em game, everything's fine, James Bond's balls have healed from getting hit with a carpet beater, and they're just gallivanting around Venice for like eight minutes, nine minutes, and you're like, well, you're trying to make me think everything's okay, but I know it can't be okay, or the movie would have ended.

[36:11] It's not just a travelogue at the end.

[36:13] Movies don't routinely end with nine or ten minutes of the characters just doing fine.

[36:17] So you know that something's going to happen in this movie because nothing is...

[36:21] We know this is an hour and fifty-five minutes.

[36:22] It's not all just going to be footage of them, like, smiling on a beach.

[36:26] And occasionally buying things at a store.

[36:28] Although I was thinking, like, perhaps one of the reasons why everyone was acting so awkward throughout the whole movie

[36:34] was to camouflage how awkward it was that she was talking to a ghost.

[36:38] Maybe. Maybe.

[36:40] I'm just like, oh, if everyone seems weird, then it's not weird that her friend Joe just hangs out in her cabin and never interacts with anyone else.

[36:47] Clever movie making.

[36:48] Yeah.

[36:48] The dullness of the first scenes should have built up like a town of cannibals or something like that, you know, or maybe everyone's a ghost.

[36:57] Like, it really felt like you were waiting for some huge audition twist.

[37:00] And there are twists that come out of nowhere, but they're, like, super stupid twists.

[37:05] Well, it's like what you're saying, the idea of doing something so obvious just to try and disguise something else.

[37:11] Like, they try to obfuscate the fact that the police officer is this woman's husband.

[37:16] So that he goes to their neighbor and is showing her pictures, have you seen this woman who's clearly his wife?

[37:23] And like, that's his neighbor, dude.

[37:24] As if he's never met these people, as if they've never met him.

[37:28] Yeah, and she doesn't say anything like, yeah, she ran away from you, you abusive assholes.

[37:33] yeah like she doesn't or she doesn't like call the uh the chief of police and be like hey i'm

[37:40] being hassled by one of your drunk cops yeah the other thing is uh my favorite characters aside

[37:45] from the founding fathers paper mache heads were the cops who are so enamored of these fireworks

[37:51] that they totally miss this huge drama that's going on beneath their noses there's a crazy guy

[37:57] wandering the town there's a suspected murderer dating their best friend and meanwhile they just

[38:02] can't get enough of these fireworks and i like that they're they're helping uh the hero set off

[38:07] the fireworks he sees his house on fire and he's like oh my god i gotta go help them and the cops

[38:12] are like okay go take care of that we got this we're on fireworks you stop taking care of the

[38:18] holiday celebrations and the other thing is that this is a movie with a stabbing a shot to the head

[38:24] a fire that endangers a little kid a kid who almost drowns and the two most exciting scenes

[38:30] in it one potentially more ghosts yeah oh potentially ghosts yeah more than one ghost

[38:35] the two for me the two most exciting scenes in the whole movie were a brief conversation about

[38:40] gorillas and kale and a scene where a little girl recommends paint colors to a woman painting the

[38:47] floor of a kitchen yeah those were the for me those the scene scenes with movie was like all

[38:52] right now we're getting somewhere and the old guy says to josh duno oh we're selling paint now

[38:56] why'd they fucking have paint color chips paint samples and the daughter said we have a book of

[39:02] paint samples it's i did the but uh maybe it was put there by the ghost yeah yeah yeah the ghost

[39:08] has been that would have been great the ghost is a paint rep there was a series she gets a ghost

[39:14] mission yeah uh the it would have been great if there were scenes then of the ghost planting

[39:19] things in different plate like she's sawing away at the floorboard to make it weak so that she has

[39:23] to go to the store she's putting the paint book in there and then she turns to the daughter and

[39:28] goes she uh pushes the sun into the water so he almost drowns to make it you know to get that

[39:34] moment going she's a real prankster spirit it's just like that scene in identity with little kids

[39:39] running around killing all those people even though it only happened in john cusack's head

[39:42] so it doesn't matter or not even in the prisoner's head yeah john cusack um look we've gone on for a

[39:53] long time i think we can skip final judgments i think it's safe to say that we all thought this

[39:57] was a bad bad i think it was a good good movie it was a boo bad movie no that's not a ghost in it

[40:03] yeah all right boo bad boo berry not boob ad like an advertisement for boobs which we'd probably

[40:10] support oh come on it would be the best selling product in the history of the world speaking of

[40:14] advertisements i'd like to say a few words about our sponsor for this uh program and who is our

[40:20] Our fine sponsor for this program is TiVo.

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[41:04] What about midnight?

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[41:06] You can also watch it at that point.

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[41:48] stuart to the beach perhaps to awkward point yeah to watch fireworks and only tivo searches

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[42:52] comedy. And that's at what website?

[42:53] TiVo.com

[42:56] And what's that code again?

[42:57] ATC. And what's that website?

[43:00] TiVo.com

[43:02] I just want to say that

[43:03] TiVo is the best DVR alternative.

[43:06] Better than the crappy

[43:07] Time Warner DVR box?

[43:09] The terrible Time Warner?

[43:10] The really bad one that breaks all the time?

[43:12] One million times better.

[43:13] And it heats up to the point that its circuits melt?

[43:15] I don't want to overstate this in case Time Warner turns off my cable, but yes.

[43:22] Now, ATC, what does that stand for?

[43:23] That stands for All Things Comedy.

[43:24] In fact, if you want to go over to allthingscomedy.com, you can find All Things Comedy.

[43:29] Lots of great comedy podcasts.

[43:31] Try them out.

[43:32] You'll love them.

[43:33] I don't know that there's a bum one in the bunch.

[43:36] They're part of our big family.

[43:38] Part of our family of network podcasts.

[43:40] They put up with us, so.

[43:42] Yeah, at family occasions, and we are a handful.

[43:45] But now we're going to move on to the Flophouse movie mailbag.

[43:52] This first.

[43:54] What's in that bag, Elliot?

[43:55] What's in that bag?

[43:56] Well, look in the bag and I think you'll find mail.

[43:59] Hey, what the hell, it's a bag full of mail.

[44:02] There's mail over here and mail over there.

[44:05] why look in the bag you'll see mail everywhere it's mail for you stew and mail for me mail for

[44:13] dan and maybe valerie who's that i don't know looks like it was misdelivered the address is

[44:19] for next door so let's take it over when the podcast is through but for now it's the mail

[44:24] bag for me and you and val will get that letter to you it looks like it's a bill or possibly a

[44:31] paycheck. I think you need this.

[44:33] We'll get it to you quickly. I don't know

[44:35] what kind of troubles you're having, but

[44:37] let us know. You gotta rely on your

[44:39] neighbors. It's important. The idea

[44:42] of community.

[44:43] I know you're having

[44:44] trouble with your son. He doesn't

[44:47] seem to listen to anyone.

[44:49] This is a segment that we're

[44:51] trying to get into. Kids these days, they

[44:53] go through troubles, but then they're all right

[44:55] at the Fop House

[44:57] Mailbag.

[44:59] Well, there's a lot of comfort for Valerie there.

[45:01] Yeah.

[45:01] Oh, she's gone through a tough time.

[45:03] Oh, man, this is...

[45:04] She needs that bill and or patron.

[45:06] Yeah, little Ronnie is acting up again.

[45:08] This letter is from Tim, last name withheld.

[45:12] He has no subject, but he starts off his letter by saying,

[45:15] Wow, Elliot, that letter song was amazing.

[45:17] Thanks.

[45:18] Thank you, Tim.

[45:18] I appreciate it.

[45:20] It's very nice of you to write in and say that.

[45:21] You know, when I write my letter songs, I really try to think,

[45:25] What would I feel like if I was a letter?

[45:27] What would I want to hear?

[45:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:29] You get into the character of a letter.

[45:31] You'll get into the character of a guy opening mail.

[45:32] He says, I've always listened to you waxing lyrical about how delicious Popeye's is from a Popeye's-less Britain.

[45:39] So until now, I've been unable to sample its chickeny wonders.

[45:42] But now I've moved to Qatar in the Middle East, where Popeye's is everywhere.

[45:47] Popeye's wasn't my main reason for moving, of course.

[45:50] That would be nuts.

[45:51] Moved for the nuts?

[45:53] As a Popeye's virgin.

[45:54] They have really good nuts there?

[45:56] As a Popeye's virgin, eager to try this fabled food of the gods, this ambrosia in a bucket,

[46:01] what would you recommend I get?

[46:03] I could even eat along with the next podcast in a smell-o-vision type of deal.

[46:08] And he says, P.S., here's the Arabic logo for Popeye's.

[46:11] I wonder if they've literally translated it, though, like popped eyeballs or something.

[46:16] And so here's the picture.

[46:17] I'm showing it around.

[46:18] Makes me wish I could read Arabic so I could see Popeye's in it.

[46:22] Now, here's my advice.

[46:24] Okay, I don't know how they do it in Qatar, but there's two types of Popeyes.

[46:28] There's your mild and your spicy.

[46:29] Some prefer spicy, some prefer mild.

[46:31] I prefer mild, but spicy is also very good.

[46:33] Now, Popeyes is a heavy food.

[46:36] You're going to want to start small.

[46:37] I'd say if you've never had a four-star with like a two-piece.

[46:40] Do a family-sized bucket?

[46:41] No.

[46:41] Get maybe like a two-piece or maybe like a piece of mild and a piece of spicy.

[46:46] See what you like more.

[46:48] And then build from there.

[46:50] At this point, I can eat six, seven pieces in a row sometimes.

[46:54] but for instance you shouldn't overreach on this first no no no but for a beginner you're going to

[46:58] want to try just one or two but hey i hope you like it and if you don't never talk to me again

[47:03] no keep enjoying it and i hope you're having a great time in cutter all right so this second

[47:09] letter is uh is titled praise from a new listener it's from michelle last name withheld she says

[47:15] i'm a relatively new listener michelle obama however so lonely in the white house when my

[47:21] husband the president last name withheld is away all these ghosts keep bothering me so i have to

[47:26] listen to this podcast however despite my sleep it scares the ghost into sleep

[47:33] for ghosts every day is opposite day

[47:36] i've never heard of these ghost rules before

[47:42] is this in tobin's spirit guide

[47:45] go on dan she says despite my short time with you all the flop house has quickly become

[47:53] my favorite podcast to the point where the other podcasts i subscribe to have a backlog of new

[47:59] episodes i've ignored in favor of listening to an episode of yours again beyond my praise however i

[48:05] do have a question to pose to the original peaches if you could add any one film to the

[48:10] criterion collection which would it be and what special features would you like it to have

[48:14] Assume that Castle Freak has already been added

[48:17] And it featured a half hour short film

[48:20] Titled Ding Dong Gate

[48:22] The making of a controversy

[48:23] For me personally

[48:25] I would love to see

[48:26] Satan Tango

[48:28] I don't know how to say that

[48:31] Get a good release

[48:32] Is that the Bellator movie?

[48:33] Perhaps

[48:34] But in my heart of hearts

[48:36] I dream for a critical re-evaluation of Freddy Got Fingered

[48:39] That's from Michelle

[48:40] Well Stuart, if you can't choose Castle Freak

[48:43] and are there any other titles off the table i think just castle freaks i think i know what

[48:49] you're gonna say obviously invisible mania what extras how to make a submarine sandwich

[48:53] well the magic behind the invisible man

[48:56] the man behind the maniac uh what about you dan oh geez i don't i mean like i feel like this has

[49:06] going to go into uh movies we've discussed before good um or could not you know they're they're a

[49:15] pair like i i am a big fan of uh 80s horror films they're and and they're a type of film that

[49:22] doesn't get the sort of critical love that they could even though they get a lot of nerd love

[49:27] but i think that a uh maybe a criterion box set of um both an american werewolf in london and

[49:35] Return of the Living Dead would be fun.

[49:37] Return of the Living Dead would be a great Criterion selection.

[49:39] And perhaps a documentary on the subject of horror comedies

[49:45] and perhaps examining why there are a lot of horror comedies

[49:48] that sprung up in the 1980s

[49:50] and were successful in a way that they have not been at all since.

[49:55] So that's an idea.

[49:57] I've got a couple that I'd throw out.

[49:59] Obviously my favorite movie, The Taking of Pelham 123.

[50:03] You don't want a commentary from director Joseph Sargent.

[50:05] And if there's any behind-the-scenes footage of them making that movie,

[50:08] I'd love to see it.

[50:09] Just kind of like that movie captures, I feel like, that era in New York so well.

[50:14] And I'd love to see more footage of them in those real locations.

[50:17] But, hey, you know, I'm going to throw Criterion Gremlins 2, the new batch, at me

[50:21] and include both the film and video versions of the interruption in the middle

[50:26] where the gremlins break the movie.

[50:28] I'd be happy with that.

[50:29] They might be on the current DVD.

[50:31] And maybe that fan film that was made where someone did a very fancy version of that break that used TiVo-like technology.

[50:40] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[50:41] Or, frankly, here's what I'd love to see.

[50:44] Criterion Collection version of either Nuki or Slow Bullet, the two worst movies I've ever seen,

[50:48] with Slow Bullet especially, if they could track down the people who worked at the Florida video store that made it.

[50:53] And have them explain themselves.

[50:54] And have them explain themselves, and also the members of the band that wrote the original heavy metal soundtrack to the movie.

[51:00] I would watch that terrible movie all over again

[51:03] and find out all about what happens

[51:05] when people reach for the stars

[51:07] but fall into hot lava.

[51:09] So this is our third and last letter of the evening

[51:14] because it is a very long letter.

[51:16] So buckle in, guys.

[51:17] Oh, boy.

[51:18] Okay.

[51:18] So this is...

[51:21] If this is...

[51:22] Okay, well, let's see.

[51:23] This is from Josh, last name with a P.

[51:25] Oh, thank goodness.

[51:26] And it's titled...

[51:27] This reader's going to be soccer stuff.

[51:29] It's titled, Non-Sexual Fanfic.

[51:31] Uh-oh.

[51:32] So it starts off like this.

[51:35] Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, under a very handsome sun,

[51:38] Stuart Wellington rides atop a pyramid of topless water-skiing bikini models.

[51:42] Despite the endless wealth he possesses as the doula heir of both the Beef Wellington and Stuart,

[51:50] the character from Mad TV Empires,

[51:52] this bevy of bodacious babes actually pays him for the opportunity to be the hard-bodied mantle

[51:58] upon which he is raised to the stars.

[52:00] The solid gold speedboat that powers the group

[52:04] cuts sharply across the water.

[52:05] Very inefficient.

[52:06] And a spray of ocean splashes against Stuart's sunglasses

[52:10] in a manner that looks so cool

[52:11] that not one, not two, but all four Ninja Turtles

[52:14] shake their heads in wonderment.

[52:16] Hidden within the audience of amazed onlookers.

[52:19] Wait, so the Ninja Turtles are just there?

[52:21] Yep.

[52:21] Hidden within the audience of amazed onlookers,

[52:24] Josh Hartnett eats a dissatisfying hot dog

[52:27] and grumbles something hateful.

[52:29] Stuart pretends not to notice.

[52:31] A bright red plane flies overhead

[52:34] in a great swooping weaving path,

[52:36] leaving a thick tendril of white smoke that reads,

[52:38] I know this is an unorthodox method of communication,

[52:41] but since you never keep your cell phone on you,

[52:43] I really have no other option, Stuart.

[52:45] We have an emergency back at Flop Corps.

[52:47] Quit with the hot dog and get moving.

[52:50] Anne Hathaway out.

[52:51] Wait, so Anne Hathaway's been through this?

[52:55] Yeah, you got your ex-girlfriend to do it.

[52:57] Not my ex-girlfriend.

[52:57] Elsewhere, Elliot Kalin screams cut from the greatest movie set ever assembled.

[53:01] You're killing me, Nicolas Cage.

[53:04] How hard can it be to do a pitch-perfect impression of our greatest American president, Abraham Lincoln?

[53:09] All you have to do is be 6'4", wear a hat, and be better than every other human being who's either existed or been written into a piece of fiction.

[53:16] Damn straight.

[53:16] Sergei Eisenstein never had to deal with this kind of shit, Elliot thinks to himself as Nicolas Cage walks away dejected.

[53:23] Just to interject there, Sergei Eisenstein had to deal with Stalin.

[53:26] So he had way worse things to deal with.

[53:28] But anyway, continue.

[53:29] I'm enjoying the story so far.

[53:30] Nick might have fiery hell powers, but they're useless in the face of a divided nation.

[53:35] Something vibrates in Elliot's pocket.

[53:37] Oh, Anne, why are you still in my life?

[53:40] He pulls out the phone.

[53:42] Wait, what?

[53:43] Elliot here.

[53:45] Elliot, you have to get to...

[53:47] That's exactly how he answers the phone.

[53:48] Elliot here.

[53:48] Elliot, you have to get to Flop Quarters now.

[53:51] The world needs the original peaches, Anne Hathaway says.

[53:54] I'm on it, Elliot responds.

[53:56] Oh, and Elliot, I love you.

[53:58] Silence hangs in the air.

[54:01] Elliot squints and gently chews his own cheek.

[54:03] I know, he says before pressing end.

[54:06] That's right, he totally Han Solo'd that shit.

[54:08] Knowing the situation is dire, Elliot sprints from the set and climbs onto the exoskeleton

[54:14] he constructed from old Emmys he didn't have room for in the TV awards wing in his home.

[54:18] As he rockets off into the atmosphere, Anne Hathaway's heart skips a single beat from

[54:22] hundreds of miles away.

[54:23] She would never stop loving that man.

[54:25] That's weird.

[54:26] finally in the vague center of an empty white room in the in the vague center of an empty white

[54:35] room sits a man staring at the brick wall of the neighboring apartment his mind is plagued with

[54:40] uninteresting thoughts and song lyrics that swarm his personality like a locust in a field

[54:47] the sad thing is he can almost remember what it feels like to be a complete human being full of

[54:51] emotions and insights but he can't quite pin down the sensation the same way a bastard can't quite

[54:57] picture his father's face it wasn't always like this though legend has it that at some point in

[55:02] his life this sad man was once full of joy in fact he was once what some people would call fun

[55:08] what happened to this man he was cursed by the most boring wizard of all time you would think

[55:13] that kind of claim is subjective but no in this instance it is objectively true to say it was the

[55:19] most boring wizard of all time by any metric you choose no wizard was more boring and now dan

[55:25] mccoy must carry that curse oh poor dan a generic ring echoes through the empty right room dan

[55:32] answers the phone dan there's trouble in the city we need you at flop quarters now dan sighs puts on

[55:37] his velcro shoes and hails a taxi a boring man i have very nice shoes our three heroes arrive

[55:47] With Elliot in his armor of ultimate TV achievement,

[55:50] Stuart with two beers and a hoagie in each hand,

[55:52] and Dan with a sigh.

[55:53] All right, team, says Anne Hathaway.

[55:55] There have been a number of robberies all across the city.

[55:58] So far, seven animal shelters have been hit without any suspects.

[56:02] Do you three have any idea who's behind this?

[56:04] Stuart and Elliot look at each other with dashing and most handsome concern.

[56:08] Dan sighs.

[56:09] Seven pounds, they say in unison.

[56:12] To be continued.

[56:14] Will they catch seven pounds?

[56:16] Will Anne Hathaway finally get the respect she deserves for being awesome as Selina Kyle?

[56:19] Will our three heroes share an unexpectedly gay experience and learn something they never wanted to know about themselves?

[56:24] We already heard that story.

[56:25] Will Ham overtake Turkey as the traditional Thanksgiving centerpiece?

[56:29] Find that out and more next week in Alpha Flop Team Men, The Peaches Protocol, number two.

[56:33] So that was a very long message.

[56:37] Excellent work.

[56:38] Who wrote that?

[56:38] That was from Josh Lash, name with L.

[56:42] Nice work, Josh.

[56:43] That's the best Flophouse fan fiction ever.

[56:45] And not only because it was the only one without us having sex with each other.

[56:50] Just barely first place for me.

[56:53] I don't know.

[56:54] I have some objections to it.

[56:57] Everyone was perfectly captured.

[56:59] I feel like there were maybe some things that were wrong with that.

[57:02] I mean, sometimes looking into a mirror can be difficult, Dan.

[57:05] I coped through my section.

[57:06] Yeah, we both swallowed our grit and just, you know, were with it.

[57:11] When you turn the lights all the way up, sometimes you don't like to see them.

[57:14] I mean, I kind of feel like you were portrayed as super awesome, and maybe I was not cast in the same way.

[57:20] I had my shortcomings, you know.

[57:22] Yeah, you know, he was a little too awesome in a way.

[57:24] Yeah, there was a pyramid of babes instead of a reverse pyramid.

[57:27] That's way more complicated.

[57:29] And obviously I had a lot of career pressure that I was under.

[57:32] Uh-huh.

[57:33] Yeah, it's true.

[57:34] You know, you just get to relax in a room.

[57:36] Sitting back, kicking back.

[57:37] Yeah, relaxing.

[57:38] Maxing and relaxing.

[57:38] Shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

[57:41] Couple of guys, that's no good.

[57:42] You're saying I'm the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?

[57:46] You are the opposite of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

[57:48] You are Carlton Banks.

[57:49] But I will smell that cabbie later.

[57:52] Yes.

[57:54] So, nice work.

[57:55] I hope Josh does decide to continue that.

[57:57] Yeah, although we may have to continue it

[58:02] if it does continue on the website

[58:04] rather than reading out further installments.

[58:07] Because you're probably parched.

[58:08] Yeah.

[58:09] Let that whistle, buddy.

[58:12] Listen to your whistle.

[58:13] Have some of that potato water.

[58:14] So, now what do we do?

[58:16] So, next up is the section of the show where, to prove that we are not just cynical jerks,

[58:20] we recommend movies we actually liked.

[58:23] Something that touched us, moved us, made us laugh, made us cry, made us think, made us stink.

[58:29] A movie that, for lack of a better word, we enjoyed.

[58:35] Stuart?

[58:37] Well, I'm going to reach into my Stuart Wellington vault of movies that I've seen.

[58:43] Three or four movies?

[58:45] Yeah, three or four movies.

[58:46] This one is The Name of the Rose, starring Sean Connery, F. Murray Abraham, Christian Slater's penis, etc.

[58:55] It's weird that Christian Slater's penis got higher billing than Christian Slater.

[58:59] Known cash grabber, Christian Slater.

[59:01] Ron Perlman's great in it.

[59:04] There's a whole bunch of great character actors.

[59:07] There's a fat monk who hits himself.

[59:09] A lot of great stuff.

[59:13] You kind of beat me to that part, but that's okay.

[59:15] It's a great story.

[59:16] It was later novelized.

[59:19] I don't know.

[59:20] Incorrect.

[59:22] Nope, and nope.

[59:23] Incorrect.

[59:24] Your chronology is quite inaccurate.

[59:26] It's a sexy murder mystery.

[59:27] It is.

[59:28] Among medieval monks.

[59:29] Among medieval monks.

[59:31] That would be a movie that hasn't been criterionized.

[59:36] I'd like to see that as a criterion collection edition.

[59:40] If anything, just stuff about the props

[59:42] and the casting process of finding all the weirdo-looking guys.

[59:47] I looked around there for a second

[59:50] as if they were hearing me talk about the big weirdo-looking...

[59:53] I don't think they can hear you or are offended.

[59:56] I'd like to recommend a movie called Our Man in Havana,

[1:00:00] which is a movie directed by Carol Reed and written by Graham Greene,

[1:00:05] one of many collaborations by those two,

[1:00:09] the most famous of which, of course, is The Third Man, also the best of them.

[1:00:13] They also made The Fallen Idol.

[1:00:15] Yeah.

[1:00:15] I think there's one more, too.

[1:00:17] I can't remember what the name of it was.

[1:00:19] Oliver.

[1:00:21] Yes, Oliver.

[1:00:23] Graham Greene's Oliver.

[1:00:24] Healthy.

[1:00:26] Neither of them made that.

[1:00:28] Our Man in Havana hasn't gotten the same attention the third man has gotten.

[1:00:33] And, you know, it's a lesser film, but it certainly deserves more attention than I feel like it has gotten.

[1:00:38] It has a wonderful cast.

[1:00:39] It's got Alec Guinness, Noel Coward, Ernie Kovacs, Burl Ives, Ralph Richardson.

[1:00:46] It's not as amazing as you would imagine from that cast, but I feel like no movie could be as amazing as you imagine from that cast.

[1:00:55] It's still pretty great.

[1:00:57] And it's about a, Al Guinness is a vacuum cleaner salesman in Havana

[1:01:03] who is drafted, basically, into the British Secret Service by Noel Coward,

[1:01:08] basically for no reason at all.

[1:01:11] And because Al Guinness has a young daughter who loves horses, loves other things,

[1:01:20] he needs the extra money that this job brings,

[1:01:24] So he starts just making up intelligence, which, of course, leads to escalating problems,

[1:01:29] both from the side of the British Secret Service and from the side of dire forces in Havana.

[1:01:37] And it's kind of like if The Third Man was an Ealing comedy.

[1:01:42] It has that same sort of droll humor, but as it progresses, there's also some actual emotional stakes to it, too.

[1:01:50] So that's what I recommend.

[1:01:51] Our Man in Havana, 1960.

[1:01:54] I'm going to recommend two films, because that seems to be my standard these days.

[1:01:57] First, I'm going to recommend a movie that's in the theaters now, and I think you should go see it.

[1:02:02] Fast and Furious 6.

[1:02:04] But I love the way you sang the title.

[1:02:07] I'm going to recommend a movie called Mud, starring Matthew McConaughey,

[1:02:11] and a bunch of other big names, and a couple of really talented child actors.

[1:02:17] It is about two kids who live in the South who, while investigating a kind of abandoned island near their riverfront homes, find a man living there, Matthew McConaughey, who calls himself Mud, and who is this kind of charismatic but obviously very down-on-his-luck-to-the-point-of-near-homelessness fellow who seems to be on this mission.

[1:02:42] and the kids decide they're going to help him out with it

[1:02:44] and they get drawn into what's basically an emotional slash crime story.

[1:02:49] But it's really well made.

[1:02:52] It's got a real sense of place and a real sense of character

[1:02:55] and the lead kid is particularly really good.

[1:02:58] It's not as harsh or as bleak as Winter's Bone,

[1:03:03] but it's almost like if you mixed Winter's Bone with Tom Sawyer,

[1:03:06] you'd get something like Mud, and I really liked it a lot,

[1:03:09] more than I thought I was going to.

[1:03:10] The other movie I want to recommend also starts with the letter M, but it's not in theaters now, and it's called The Mercenary, and it's a spaghetti western from the late 60s.

[1:03:20] It reunites the Django team of director Sergio Carbucci and star Frank O'Nero and takes place during the Mexican Revolution of the early 20th century and is about a – Frank O'Nero plays a Polish immigrant who – he speaks perfect English in the dubbed version of the mercenary that I've seen – but who is great at fighting.

[1:03:44] he knows how to use guns he knows how to use bombs and these rebels basically hire him to do

[1:03:51] all the strategizing and things for them and help them lead their rebel band and he insists on being

[1:03:56] paid all the time he raises his rates depending on how hard the fighting gets uh and gets mixed

[1:04:02] up with these characters and there's betrayals and backstabbings and tight escapes and gun battles

[1:04:08] and it's really funny in a way that a lot of spaghetti westerns aren't or try to be but don't

[1:04:15] quite get to and it's really nice it's kind of like a comedy pairing with django since django

[1:04:20] is such a bleak movie in a lot of ways so uh that's the mercenary which i recommend so movies

[1:04:26] that begin with m all of them are good all of the mud the mercenary m mulholland drive

[1:04:33] monsters incorporated yeah uh married to the mob monster monster in law monsters inc the

[1:04:40] unreleased monsters you my cousin vinny my cousin vinny my cousin vinny my cousin lanny and my

[1:04:48] cousin ronnie oh my life is a dog well we did we did a herald guys we did yeah somebody run

[1:04:56] across the stage and say good night that's our first half yeah uh i think that means that for

[1:05:02] the flop house i've been dan mccoy i've been stewart wellington you said it like you're

[1:05:07] depressed that you're stewart wellington i'm giving up no come on you got that you got that

[1:05:11] pyramid of babes i'm back again great and the best motivator in the world elliot kalin on

[1:05:16] on the drums good night everyone bye

[1:05:22] Is that Kwado?

[1:05:24] This friend

[1:05:30] Mondo

[1:05:31] Garusian

[1:05:32] And of course

[1:05:35] Soda

[1:05:36] Which is a weird al joke

[1:05:38] It's not even

[1:05:39] Not even my made up joke

[1:05:40] There's of course

[1:05:42] Aluminum can skin backer

[1:05:43] And

[1:05:44] Jabba the Black

[1:05:46] Uncle Lars Ulrich

[1:05:48] Yep there's

[1:05:50] Flava the butt

[1:05:51] And of course

[1:05:53] Let's not forget

[1:05:55] Fart Hater

[1:05:57] And

[1:06:01] Princess R'lyeh

[1:06:02] Okay now do Lando Calrissian

[1:06:06] I did already, he's Mondo Garussi

[1:06:08] Okay now do

[1:06:09] Do Dengar

[1:06:11] Dengar, oh yeah that's a guy

[1:06:14] Do Dr. Evazan

[1:06:15] And Banda Baba

The Flop House: Episode #127 - Safe Haven

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