The Flop House: Episode #127 - Safe Haven

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Safe Haven. And before we start, come out to see The Flophouse on Saturday,

[0:06] June 8th at 92Y Tribeca, where we'll be doing a live screening of Jaws the Revenge, complete with

[0:12] commentary. It's our last show in the venue before it closes, so please come on out.

[0:19] Check 92Y.org slash Tribeca for more details.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to The Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:51] Yeah, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:54] And I'm Elliot Kalin, number three, with a bullet.

Dan McCoy

[0:57] So this is a little podcast where we watch a bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] Let's not talk ourselves down. This is a big, bold, brassy podcast.

[1:05] A little podcast about a big movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:06] This is the biggest little podcast in Texas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10] The smallest big podcast of the littlest Texas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13] It's the littlest, biggest Texas in the podcast bigs.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] It's big trouble and little podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19] It's bigs dark lighter.

[1:20] And smally smalls.

[1:22] So just reach over to your computer and click off.

[1:26] Then drag this podcast to the delete can and let go.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] The delete can.

[1:31] You can either delete it or you can drag it to the trash can.

[1:35] I don't know about this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35] Hey Dan, do you got a delete can in this apartment?

[1:38] So Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:41] I have a recycling delete can.

[1:44] I asked you a question.

[1:46] How dare I?

[1:48] This is a podcast where we talk about bad movies and then we discuss them.

[1:52] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:54] We talk about them and then we discuss them?

[1:56] Let me make sure I get the order right because I'd hate to discuss it and then talk about it.

Dan McCoy

[2:00] All right.

[2:01] Very important.

[2:01] We watch a bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] You're the boss of this operation.

Dan McCoy

[2:04] And then we discuss it thereafter.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] And so we watched a bad movie tonight, did we not?

Dan McCoy

[2:09] We watched a little film called Safe Haven.

Elliott Kalan

[2:12] Safe Haven.

[2:13] Safe.

Dan McCoy

[2:14] It's a Nicholas Sparks joint.

Elliott Kalan

[2:17] No, but it was directed by...

Dan McCoy

[2:19] It was directed by Lasse Hallstrom.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] Or how it's pronounced.

[2:22] Yeah.

[2:23] Who was a fairly big name in the international filmmaking work.

[2:26] Yeah, you may remember his...

[2:27] Talk of the town.

Dan McCoy

[2:28] His indie film, international breakthrough, My Life as a Dog.

Stuart Wellington

[2:32] Yep.

[2:33] Also known as the Wolfman.

Dan McCoy

[2:34] No actual dogs or wolves.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] Is that what James Spader and Jack Nicholson...

Elliott Kalan

[2:40] No, you're thinking of a robot cop meets the Shaggy.

Dan McCoy

[2:44] I think the movie...

Elliott Kalan

[2:45] Not Robocop.

[2:47] Robot cop.

Dan McCoy

[2:47] I think the movie you're thinking of is the Shaggy DA, actually.

[2:50] Yeah, yeah.

[2:51] He also did...

Elliott Kalan

[2:53] DA stood for dinosaur assassin.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] He was once eating Gilbert Grape, which was an early...

[3:01] Also a dinosaur.

[3:02] Leonardo DiCaprio film of note.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] He was nominated for an Academy Award, right?

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:06] His first nomination.

Dan McCoy

[3:08] But now he's making Nicholas Sparks movies.

[3:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:11] And let me tell you, I wish he was making a movie...

[3:14] He made the shit out of this movie.

[3:14] If only he had made a movie of the band Sparks, which would have been awesome.

[3:19] A little late, maybe.

[3:21] I mean, they're still around.

Dan McCoy

[3:22] They didn't strike while the iron was hot.

[3:23] They had Sparks film.

Elliott Kalan

[3:24] No, they probably should have made it 25, 30 years ago.

[3:27] But, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[3:28] Isn't there an alcoholic beverage that's like a mixture of soda and booze called Sparks?

[3:33] Like one of those...

[3:34] It's a mixture of soda and a public park.

[3:38] You take dirt from a public park and some soda.

[3:40] I ask a genuine question here, dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[3:42] Well, you're the bartender.

[3:43] You should know.

[3:44] Yeah, don't pay that close attention to what I give people.

[3:46] People ask.

[3:47] They're like, make me a Manhattan.

[3:48] And you're like, you got it.

[3:49] I'm good.

[3:49] Meister and beer.

[3:52] Making me a cosmopolitan.

[3:54] All right.

[3:55] Here's a baby's diaper and some ammonia.

Dan McCoy

[4:00] Here's 12 olives served with some roses lime juice.

Elliott Kalan

[4:05] Make me an appletini.

[4:06] There's no booze in there.

[4:07] All right.

[4:07] Well, here's an apple and I put a razor blade in it.

[4:12] Ouch.

Stuart Wellington

[4:13] We call that pulling a knight of the demons.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] But so this movie is based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks.

Dan McCoy

[4:20] Romance genius.

Elliott Kalan

[4:21] He's best known for writing books for ladies.

[4:25] The Notebook is one of them.

[4:27] The Notebook.

[4:28] The Story of O, I think, is another.

[4:31] And, of course, Blood Meridian.

[4:36] Yeah.

[4:37] I think it's also a Nicholas Sparks novel.

Dan McCoy

[4:39] Or the Color of the Evening Sky in the West.

[4:42] What is the subtitle of that?

Elliott Kalan

[4:43] Oh, yeah.

[4:44] Something like that.

[4:45] Anyway.

[4:45] Anyway, he writes novels.

[4:47] I've never read any of them.

[4:49] I'm not making any judgment calls.

[4:50] They're just not my taste.

[4:51] Mm-hmm.

[4:52] You know?

[4:52] I like historical nonfiction books about presidents or, you know, how pencils get made.

[4:59] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[5:00] And you like your romance to be more in the line of two television characters fucking each other.

[5:06] You find these stories on the internet rather than purchasing them.

Elliott Kalan

[5:09] Well, I read some very good ones about Dana Scully and Fox Mulder.

[5:13] And some also very good ones about Will and Grace.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] Turns out he's not as gay as he thinks.

[5:17] Yeah.

[5:17] In this fan fiction.

Dan McCoy

[5:18] Quite ribbled tales.

Elliott Kalan

[5:20] Yeah.

[5:20] Quite ribbled.

[5:22] Ribbled for her pleasure.

[5:24] So should we talk about what happens in this movie?

[5:26] I don't want to talk about anything anymore.

[5:27] There's not much that happens in this movie.

[5:29] Actually, this is a movie that's almost two hours long.

[5:32] And I know we harp on length a lot.

[5:34] This is almost two hours long.

[5:35] And there is enough story in here for maybe an episode of, like, I don't know, like a half-hour anthology film.

[5:42] Well, I guess it's a complicated episode of Wings, basically.

Dan McCoy

[5:45] There are actual plot developments in this movie.

[5:48] But they are dispensed with so quickly, whereas the rest of the movie, like, where nothing has happened, it happens at great length.

Stuart Wellington

[5:56] This is a film that's rife with incident.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] Yes.

[6:00] Right?

[6:00] That's what you said.

[6:01] I remember last episode I recommended a movie called Gregory's Girl, which is basically a series of small incidents.

[6:08] They're very entertaining and charming.

[6:09] And you get a sense of the characters.

[6:11] This movie is a series of small incidents where nothing happens.

[6:14] You get a sense of nobody.

[6:16] And it feels like a lot of shots that were them killing time before they started shooting the movie.

[6:21] It's like if you decided to base a movie on, like, a commercial.

[6:26] The footage in a prescription drug commercial where it's just silently showing people, like, shopping or doing crafts while they read the side effects.

[6:34] That's what this movie feels like.

[6:36] But then...

[6:36] They remove the narration about the side effects of the drug and they're just showing you those scenes.

Dan McCoy

[6:40] But then with 40 minutes left, the movie springs a number of melodramatic traps on you.

Elliott Kalan

[6:45] It turns into a thriller.

[6:46] Yeah.

[6:47] I mean, it starts like a thriller.

[6:49] It starts with like a thriller.

[6:50] We start with...

[6:50] Should we talk about it?

[6:51] Let's say what happens then.

[6:52] Okay.

[6:52] So our heroine, Katie, Juliana Haug.

[6:56] How is the name pronounced?

[6:57] Haug.

[6:58] She's a former Dancing with the Stars champion.

[7:00] Not in the movie.

[7:01] In real life.

[7:02] Our heroine, Katie...

Dan McCoy

[7:04] Also star of Rock of Ages, which...

[7:07] We didn't recognize her at all.

[7:08] Elliot and I...

[7:09] I mean, Stuart has an excuse.

[7:10] He wasn't here.

[7:10] But neither Elliot nor I was able to determine that.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] At all.

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:16] But meanwhile, Kobe Smulders, everyone recognized right off the bat.

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:20] Well, Kobe, come on.

[7:21] And she Smulders.

[7:22] Yeah.

[7:23] She's from a hit TV show, Elliot.

[7:25] That's hilarious.

Dan McCoy

[7:25] Yeah, Shield.

[7:26] About the method in which one meets one's mother.

[7:29] The Shield with Michael Chicklass?

Elliott Kalan

[7:29] Not the Shield.

[7:31] Michael Chicklass.

[7:32] With Michael Chicklass.

[7:33] No.

[7:34] So, okay.

[7:35] Katie, our main character, played by the Dancing Girl.

[7:37] Yeah.

[7:38] She is running for her life, it seems.

[7:40] She's got a bloody knife in her hand.

[7:42] And we don't know what's going on.

[7:44] It's very chaotic.

[7:46] Brittany Kevin chaotic, even.

[7:47] And she goes to the bus stop.

[7:50] Suddenly, she's got short blonde hair.

[7:52] She was a brunette a second ago.

[7:53] She's at the bus station.

[7:55] She gets on a bus.

[7:56] A cop is running after her with her picture.

[7:58] Did you see this woman?

[7:59] Did you see this woman?

[8:00] We assume she just killed a man.

[8:02] Yeah.

[8:02] Now she's on the run from the police.

[8:04] But she gets away.

[8:05] The cop does his best to ignore the one witness who starts giving him information.

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:11] There is one guy.

[8:12] He shows this guy her picture.

[8:15] She's a brunette with long hair.

[8:16] He goes, you see this woman?

[8:17] You see this woman?

[8:17] And he starts walking away.

[8:18] And the guy's like, yeah, but she's a blonde with short hair.

[8:20] And he's already walking away.

[8:22] That was the lead that could have cracked the case.

[8:25] No.

[8:26] So she takes a long distance bus.

[8:28] And she ends up in the small town in North Carolina that we named Point Awkward.

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:34] Because it's a little harbor town where every conversation anyone has is very awkward.

[8:38] With lots of stuttering and stop starts.

[8:40] No one knows what to say.

[8:41] And no one knows how to open a door.

[8:43] Every time anyone tries to open any door in this movie, it either sticks.

[8:47] They pull it too hard.

[8:48] They hit someone with it, I imagine.

[8:50] Like, it's crazy.

[8:52] It's like this town, the door was just introduced to it.

[8:55] It's like one of those towns you read about in old science fiction stories from the 19th century.

[8:59] Where they find like a little town nestled in a valley that's still living like it's medieval or caveman times.

[9:05] But here's just that the door just never made it to them.

[9:08] And now finally they have doors, you know.

[9:10] Some kind of music man.

[9:11] Caveman doors.

[9:12] Some kind of music man type character came to this town and sold them a bunch of doors.

[9:16] Nobody knows how to use them.

[9:17] But anyway, she enters this quaint little cottage town.

[9:21] She buys a spooky house in the woods.

[9:23] Yep.

[9:23] The floorboards immediately break and there's possums underneath.

[9:26] Yeah.

[9:28] Not as possum as it sounds.

[9:30] She goes down to the local, she gets a job as a waitress at Ivan's, a seaside shack.

[9:36] It's actually just a seaside seafood restaurant.

[9:38] And goes down to the local general store, the trading post, to pick up some provisions.

[9:43] And encounters a cute little girl named Lexi who's manning the register because her dad is busy.

[9:49] Her dad is a single father, widower, who has a young daughter and a young son named Josh.

[9:54] And Josh is depressed, still sad his mom died.

[9:57] He's having trouble getting over it and he loves to fish.

[10:00] Those are his two character traits.

[10:02] Also, he hates having his picture taken, which is something that never really comes to anything.

Dan McCoy

[10:07] The widower is played by Josh Duhamel.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] Yeah, yeah.

[10:11] Who you might remember.

[10:12] Danny McCoy, right?

Dan McCoy

[10:13] You might remember him from one of those Transformer movies or from being the poor man's Timothy Oliphant.

Stuart Wellington

[10:18] What was the TV show that he was on?

[10:20] Las Vegas, where his character's name was Danny McCoy.

[10:22] Wow, based on our Dan McCoy.

[10:24] Yep.

[10:25] Less handsome than ours.

Elliott Kalan

[10:26] Yeah, I remember that whole storyline.

[10:28] It was like half a season where he tore his ACL.

[10:30] Yeah.

[10:31] And he would not shut up about it.

Stuart Wellington

[10:33] He would not stop talking about it.

[10:35] He's like, James Caan, give me some sympathy.

[10:37] James Caan was on the show.

[10:38] It wasn't just an exclamation.

Elliott Kalan

[10:41] Oh, James Caan, I could get so mad at you.

[10:44] Or like he stuffed his toe and goes, oh, James Caan.

[10:47] Anyway, a lot of nothing happens as the main characters, Katie and the guy's name is Alex, fall in love together.

[10:56] And Katie...

[10:56] And she makes a friend in town named Joe, played by Kobe Smulders.

[11:00] She makes a friend with this lady, Joe, who's always hanging around at her house, walking with her down the backcountry roads.

Dan McCoy

[11:07] Joe shows up one day just peering into her rickety old house.

[11:13] And she's like, oh, sorry.

[11:15] I heard someone new moved in.

[11:16] I just want to see who you were, et cetera.

[11:19] And they become fast friends.

[11:21] Because that's how it happens.

[11:22] When you find someone peering into your home, you become fast friends with them.

Stuart Wellington

[11:25] Yeah, somebody haunting around the outside of your house.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] Haunting?

[11:28] That seems like a weird choice of words.

[11:30] But, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[11:31] I mean, it's pretty common.

[11:31] Now, here's the thing.

[11:32] There's a twist with Joe.

[11:33] And for the first couple scenes, I'm sure the twist would be that she's a lesbian who has a crush on Katie.

[11:37] Because she is very attentive to Katie.

[11:40] Yeah.

[11:40] And she always seems kind of awkward in a way that you would be if you had a crush on somebody.

[11:45] But meanwhile, back in Boston, where she ran away from, the police officer is desperately trying to find her.

[11:53] He's desperately seeking Susan, if her name was Susan.

[11:56] If her name was Katie, it was this movie.

[11:58] Yeah.

[11:58] He's going through all the bus depot security cameras.

[12:02] He takes hours, days to do it, which makes no sense.

[12:05] Because he knows exactly what time she got to the bus station.

[12:07] It's a needle on a haystack, isn't it?

[12:09] Yeah.

[12:09] No, it shouldn't be, though.

[12:11] And he puts out an APB.

[12:12] He's drinking heavily vodka out of a Dasani water bottle.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] Dasani must have paid heavily to be featured in this film.

[12:20] They're like, Dasani, the best bottle to use when you're pretending you're not an alcoholic.

Elliott Kalan

[12:24] Dasani, buy our bottle.

[12:25] Maybe there'll be vodka in it.

[12:27] You never know.

[12:28] Don't settle for normal water like Poland Spring when maybe you get a little nip of VOD.

[12:34] Get a little something extra in there.

[12:36] Get some of Sergi's medicine.

[12:38] The old potato water.

Dan McCoy

[12:40] Makes Mama's Dago faster.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] Dago.

[12:43] Dan, in this day and age, to use language like that.

[12:46] I am offended and insulted.

[12:48] I'm sorry.

[12:49] I almost think that is an actual regular water you're drinking.

[12:53] And in fact, it's potato water.

[12:56] Anyway, I just realized now, glancing at the Wikipedia thing, that it describes Kevin the police officer.

[13:03] Meanwhile, Kevin, a rather husky Boston police officer.

[13:06] Which is weird.

[13:07] They don't know what husky means.

[13:08] It's got to be from the book or something.

[13:10] I think that he has like a husky voice is what they mean.

[13:13] He's very ragged.

[13:15] A real Jessica Rabbit type.

[13:16] Yeah, exactly.

[13:17] I think they brought Catley Turner in to do the voice.

Dan McCoy

[13:20] I think it means like tough, like a husky dog.

[13:24] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] Like when you're ball turns, if you will.

Dan McCoy

[13:28] Not like he's going to be shopping for his overalls in the oversized section of the story.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] In the stout boys section.

[13:39] So we could be giving some huskies.

[13:41] Actually in very good shape.

[13:42] Anyway, let's cut to the chase.

[13:45] Alex and Katie fall in love.

[13:49] Lexi takes to her instantly.

[13:50] I just realized how weird it is that his name is Alex and his daughter's name is Lexi.

[13:55] Yeah.

[13:55] It's like George Foreman.

[13:57] Will and Willow.

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] Will Smith and his daughter Willow Smith.

Elliott Kalan

[14:00] And his son, Will-er Smith.

[14:03] The male version of Willow.

[14:03] And his other son, Will-I-am.

Stuart Wellington

[14:06] Really?

[14:06] That's his son?

[14:07] Yeah.

[14:08] Yeah.

[14:08] And his other son, Will Wheaton.

[14:10] Willard, the guy.

[14:13] Talks to rats.

[14:16] That guy.

Elliott Kalan

[14:17] Stuart bailed on that one.

[14:18] So they fall in love.

Dan McCoy

[14:20] He bailed to drink out of his bottle of water, I see.

Elliott Kalan

[14:22] If I was going to list for you.

[14:23] Yeah, water.

[14:24] Yeah, potato water.

[14:26] If I was going to list for you all the things that happen in this movie, it would sound like this.

[14:29] They go to the beach.

[14:31] They sell popcorn to some people on a bus.

[14:33] They go canoeing and it rains.

[14:36] It is...

[14:36] She stabs a flounder with a gib?

[14:38] With a spear.

[14:39] A gig?

[14:39] She gigs a flounder by spearing it with a spear.

[14:42] He makes her a bicycle.

[14:43] She doesn't want to accept it at first.

[14:45] Then she does.

[14:46] They make out.

[14:47] They talk about how to grill a flounder for a while.

[14:49] They have the best...

[14:50] Maybe the best snippet of film conversation I think I've ever heard in a date where it's...

[14:54] They were canoeing and it rained really hard.

[14:56] They somehow ran to a diner.

[14:58] And this diner...

[14:59] What's weird is nobody...

[15:00] Everyone in the diner acts as if they can't see them and just ignores them.

[15:03] Which makes me think that...

[15:04] For a second I was like, wait.

[15:06] Are they supposed to be ghosts?

[15:07] Like, what's going on?

[15:08] Did they die on that canoe?

[15:09] It's impossible.

[15:09] There's no character that's a ghost in this movie, right?

[15:11] There's nothing supernatural in the movie, so how could there be?

Dan McCoy

[15:14] But then the movie dissolves to later in their conversation.

Elliott Kalan

[15:17] They're talking...

[15:17] It dissolves to later in their conversation.

[15:18] They're all gone.

[15:18] It's like a fucking horror movie.

[15:20] Where you just...

[15:20] You hear him say...

[15:22] What's weird is gorillas are so strong, but they don't eat meat.

[15:25] They just eat, like, fruits and vegetables and kale.

[15:28] And she goes, kale is very good for you.

[15:31] It's very healthy.

[15:32] And he's like, yeah, but it's like, is it genetic then?

[15:35] Yeah, like, no shit.

[15:36] It's totally genetic.

[15:36] Yeah, a gorilla's strength isn't genetic.

[15:38] It's like a gorilla who's working out at the local gym.

[15:41] No, that gorilla has a subscription to Jack LaLanne's.

Dan McCoy

[15:43] Well, again, this is more product placement.

[15:46] This was kale.

[15:47] This was part of kale's short-lived Gorilla Strong campaign.

Elliott Kalan

[15:50] Oh, and the kale council was trying to sell more to gorillas.

Dan McCoy

[15:54] Be strong.

[15:55] Be gorilla strong.

[15:57] Eat kale.

Elliott Kalan

[15:58] They should have advertised in Zookeeper.

[16:00] Yeah.

[16:01] And then the gorilla...

[16:02] At TGI Primates, whatever that was.

[16:04] Instead of ordering oranges at TGI Friday, they should have ordered a big bowl of kale.

[16:08] Said, helps keep me strong, along with my healthy genes.

[16:12] Anyway, so...

[16:13] Bugle boy genes.

[16:15] What?

[16:15] Nothing.

[16:16] Did you say bugle boy genes?

[16:18] No, I might have said that.

[16:19] Yes.

[16:20] So, this is the most free associated...

[16:21] Someone said it.

[16:22] Flophouse yet.

[16:24] So, they get home late.

[16:26] They make out.

[16:27] The dad gets home late and his daughter's mad at him for about two seconds.

[16:31] But, uh-oh.

[16:31] Then we learn, get ready for a shocking twist.

[16:35] Shocking twist.

[16:36] Mm-hmm.

[16:36] The police officer, who seems to have totally free access to the crime scene at any point...

[16:40] He's on a rampage.

[16:41] He's on a rampage and he keeps harassing this neighbor woman who might be Katie's mother,

[16:46] who lives across the street, who won't let her in the house.

[16:49] But, turns out there's a twist.

[16:51] He's not a police officer investigating Katie's.

[16:54] No.

[16:54] He is a police officer.

[16:55] He is her husband.

[16:57] Bum, bum, bum.

[16:58] Get out of here.

[16:59] Her alcoholic, abusive husband, who, as we see in a flashback...

[17:02] A flashback so strong, it knocks Katie off the bicycle she's riding.

Dan McCoy

[17:07] Yeah, she is riding home after Josh Duhamel briefly breaks up with her, thinking that she

[17:13] is actually a murderess.

[17:14] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[17:14] I forgot the cop puts out an APB and the local police, who are so distracted by the fireworks

[17:19] they're planning for the 4th of July, that they don't see what they're putting up

[17:23] on the Bolton board.

[17:24] They put up the poster, which has an artist's simulation of what she looks like now with

[17:28] her new hair.

[17:30] Josh Duhamel sees it, and he says...

[17:32] He puts two and one together.

[17:34] Yeah, and to make eight.

[17:36] And meanwhile, the cops are still planning that fireworks display.

[17:40] He goes back and says, you're an attempted murderer.

[17:43] Your name is Aaron.

[17:43] You weren't going to tell me these things.

[17:45] And she's like, I'm sorry.

[17:46] And he's like, that's it.

[17:47] You endangered my children.

[17:48] Forget it.

Dan McCoy

[17:49] And instead of explaining what actually happened, she hops on her bicycle and rides away.

Elliott Kalan

[17:53] And the memory just hits her so surprisingly.

[17:57] And it turns out one night, her cop husband came home to dinner, was drinking too much wine.

[18:06] That's the second twist.

[18:07] She took the wine bottle away from the table, and he said, I didn't say I was done with that.

[18:12] And they start arguing.

[18:13] He gets so mad.

[18:14] He crushes a wine glass.

[18:16] And then he's hitting her really hard.

[18:17] And then she stabs him in the side.

[18:19] And then puts a bunch of clothes in a plastic bag.

[18:22] And I guess maybe it's money.

[18:23] I don't know.

[18:24] And runs out of the house.

[18:25] Gets on the bus and escapes.

[18:27] So we know...

[18:28] Takes all his favorite shirts.

[18:29] This isn't...

[18:30] This isn't...

[18:30] Yeah.

[18:31] It's just like the great Gatsby.

[18:32] Such beautiful shirts.

[18:33] I have to take them with me.

[18:35] We know this isn't his job.

[18:37] This is vengeance.

[18:38] He wants his wife back.

[18:41] I mean...

Dan McCoy

[18:42] What?

[18:42] With a vengeance?

[18:43] With a vengeance.

[18:44] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[18:44] I couldn't think of a sinister way to end it.

Dan McCoy

[18:46] I've got a couple of objections.

Elliott Kalan

[18:48] If he can't have his wife, no one will.

[18:51] Yeah?

Dan McCoy

[18:51] I have two objections to this scene.

[18:54] One semi-moral.

[18:56] One just cinematic.

[18:57] The first is that this movie is so terrible that the movie does not earn this domestic violence scene.

[19:05] Which is genuinely upsetting to watch, I feel like.

[19:08] But number two, just as a point of staging in the film, our main character seems so in love with him at the beginning of the scene.

[19:18] And then it escalates so quickly that it seems like you kind of have to assume that this is supposed to be a pattern of abuse.

[19:25] But it plays like...

[19:27] This is the first time it ever happened.

[19:28] The first time it's ever happened.

[19:29] And it escalated all the way to her stabbing him and running away immediately.

Stuart Wellington

[19:33] Well, they're passionate people.

[19:34] And I don't think any of us have that much experience in being in abusive relationships, Dan.

[19:39] Except for potentially this one between me and you right now.

[19:41] Sure.

[19:43] You are both drinking.

[19:46] But I think it was awesome.

[19:49] And it was almost in black and white.

[19:51] So that's how you know it was in the past.

[19:53] Wait, what?

[19:54] Almost in black and white?

[19:55] What does that mean?

Elliott Kalan

[19:55] It was like two-tone.

[19:56] It was like secret color.

[19:57] It was like saturated.

[19:58] The colors were saturated.

[19:59] That's how you know it was in the past.

[20:00] Let's take a moment at this melodramatic twist, now that you're excited about the movie, to point out one thing.

[20:06] Which is that, as Stuart, I think it was, who mentioned this when we were watching the movie, that this is the perfect follow-up to Playing for Keeps.

[20:12] Because it's also about a charisma-less, personality-less person who everyone in town falls in love with.

[20:18] The minute Katie rides into town, she's very pretty.

[20:21] Yeah, everyone's up in her business.

[20:22] She's got a totally sweet bottom, and she wears shorts all the time.

[20:26] But she's, she had like...

[20:27] Note that it was not me saying that.

[20:29] Nope, it was me.

[20:30] I'll admit it.

[20:31] Dan must have thrown his voice.

Dan McCoy

[20:33] About a character with, arguably a character who like, you know, we can assume that she marries that guy after the movie ends.

[20:40] So he's talking about two people's wives in this, in this, I have the reputation about talking about wives' asses.

[20:48] Because you did that.

Elliott Kalan

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:49] It's a fictional character I'm talking about, Dan.

[20:51] All right.

[20:52] With a fictional butt.

[20:53] Okay.

[20:53] She's played by a real person.

[20:55] It's a real butt.

[20:55] But it's a fake butt.

[20:57] Oh, okay.

[20:58] It's a stunt butt.

[20:59] Okay.

[21:00] It's all CGI.

Dan McCoy

[21:02] It's Kevin Costner's stunt butt from Prince of Thieves.

Elliott Kalan

[21:05] It's just like the way they did The Crow, where they digitally added Brandon Lee's face to a different actor.

[21:10] They did this, they digitally added someone else's butt to her, I assume.

Dan McCoy

[21:14] That's why that butt fell into that uncanny valley.

Elliott Kalan

[21:17] The butt candy valley.

Dan McCoy

[21:18] That's like, ah, it's a good butt, but it feels creepy, too.

Elliott Kalan

[21:21] It looks a little too good.

[21:22] Yeah.

[21:23] Not quite good enough.

[21:24] Anyway, she has, she's very standoffish.

[21:27] She's very awkward.

[21:28] She's kind of cold to everybody.

[21:30] And yet they all fall over their feet for her.

[21:33] Everybody in town.

[21:34] She's got this Joe potential lesbian chasing her around.

[21:36] She's got a job right off the bat.

[21:38] She's really attracting this widower with the cute kids in the store.

[21:41] A businessman.

[21:42] A small business owner.

[21:43] Yeah.

[21:44] But she has no, there's nothing about her with the audience that falls in love.

Stuart Wellington

[21:47] She's got to go into this beautiful cabin out in the woods.

[21:50] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[21:50] I mean, it does, every time they show her house, it does look like the evil dead are about to

[21:54] get her, or as Dan, I think, said that she's about to be straw dogs.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] My favorite thing is that the one home improvement thing she does is paints the floor.

[22:03] She paints the floor yellow.

[22:04] Yeah.

[22:04] The rest of it looks like it's fallen to pieces.

[22:06] Yeah.

[22:07] It's a real Tucker and Dale versus evil repair job.

Dan McCoy

[22:10] She also paints the floor that she's already stepped through once.

[22:13] She's like, oh, this.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] And then they step through it again.

Dan McCoy

[22:15] Yeah.

[22:15] This floor is rotten with termites.

[22:17] I know what's going to fix this.

[22:18] It's a good coat of paint.

Elliott Kalan

[22:19] That'll keep the possums out.

[22:21] But so I guess what I'm saying is, I have to assume.

[22:23] Possum sappers underneath her house.

[22:25] I have to assume.

[22:26] Sappers?

[22:27] Sabotaging it?

[22:28] I have to assume that everyone in town just really fell for her butt.

[22:32] Yeah, sure.

[22:33] She doesn't have any real personality going for her.

[22:35] It's a poorly written character is what I'm saying.

[22:39] But anyway, so melodrama.

[22:40] We're back.

[22:41] They've broken up.

[22:42] Then the husband's on her trail.

[22:44] We know it's her husband.

Stuart Wellington

[22:47] His boss sets him down, takes his vodka away, and says, I'm going to need your gun and badge.

[22:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:54] You're too sweaty to work.

Stuart Wellington

[22:58] Try to towel off.

[22:59] Then you can go back to your desk.

Dan McCoy

[23:00] We've had a lot of reports about you being too sweaty.

[23:03] Around suspects.

[23:04] We've got moistness rules right here.

Stuart Wellington

[23:06] This is the point in the movie where it does look like some crazy guy's bitten him on the hand.

[23:10] And he's slowly becoming a zombie-infected thing.

Elliott Kalan

[23:12] Yeah.

[23:13] He is.

[23:14] His performance goes quickly from no personality to shambling horror.

[23:21] And it's like someone is in the late stages of a movie disease of some kind.

[23:26] Where there's just sweat pouring off his face and huge bags under his eyes.

[23:29] And he's like, huh?

[23:30] Huh?

[23:31] Huh?

[23:32] Huh?

[23:32] Like, he just doesn't know where he is.

[23:34] So anyway, he decides he's going to track this bitch down.

[23:36] He doesn't use those words.

[23:37] But he's going to track this lady down.

[23:39] Meanwhile, Alex and Katie get back together again.

[23:42] Yeah.

[23:42] He apologizes for jumping to conclusions.

Dan McCoy

[23:46] Jumping to conclusions based on this bolo.

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] Based on the poster that says suspected murder.

Dan McCoy

[23:51] This person of interest wanted poster down at the police station.

Stuart Wellington

[23:55] Well, I'm glad that he's able to get over this and out of the way so we can focus on this fireworks display.

Elliott Kalan

[24:00] Because the fireworks display is coming up.

[24:01] They have really built this thing up.

[24:03] And let me tell you, it does not live up to the hype.

[24:06] No.

[24:06] I've seen a few fireworks.

[24:07] I consider myself an American patriot.

[24:09] Fourth of July just isn't the same without a bunch of fireworks.

[24:12] I've seen some damn good fireworks shows.

[24:15] And let me tell you, Point Awkward's fireworks show does not stack up.

Stuart Wellington

[24:19] It's just a couple of explosions of color in the night sky.

[24:21] Even the fireworks are awkward.

Dan McCoy

[24:23] Bang.

[24:24] Bang, bang.

[24:26] Bang.

[24:27] Yeah.

[24:28] Explosion.

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] It's like if Antonioni directed a fireworks display.

[24:31] I really wanted to get across the ennui of the fireworks.

Dan McCoy

[24:34] The anticipation makes each firework better.

Elliott Kalan

[24:36] Yeah, it's tantric fireworks.

[24:38] You hold off for five hours and then you can do fireworks for seven hours.

Dan McCoy

[24:43] Maybe that's what makes the display so good.

[24:45] Maybe it's just a fireworks display that continues for a whole week.

[24:48] Wow.

[24:49] And we're just seeing it.

[24:50] It just goes out in slow time.

Elliott Kalan

[24:51] There's a couple great characters in the Fourth of July celebration.

[24:55] By which I mean people with giant papier-mâché founding fathers' heads.

[24:58] Oh yeah, those are great.

[25:00] There's a Franklin, a Washington, and a Lincoln.

[25:02] Not a founding father.

[25:03] There's a Franklin and a Bash.

[25:08] Our two best founding fathers.

[25:11] Yeah, there's a Key and a Peel.

Dan McCoy

[25:13] A Rizzoli and Isles.

[25:17] Both a Cagney and a Lacey.

Stuart Wellington

[25:19] Yeah, a Kate and Allie.

[25:21] Wait, a Fat Man and a Jake.

Dan McCoy

[25:24] A Simon and Simon.

Elliott Kalan

[25:26] A Patty Duke and Patty Duke.

[25:28] Sure.

[25:29] An Amos and Andy.

[25:30] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[25:32] And so forth.

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] And so you get the idea.

[25:34] Things that come in two with an and in the middle.

Stuart Wellington

[25:36] Yeah, say a couple of them to yourself.

[25:38] You know, like Milo and Otis.

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] Play at home.

[25:40] The Flophouse home game.

[25:41] Yeah.

[25:41] Pause the podcast right now.

[25:43] Pause it right now.

[25:44] And for 25 minutes, just name duos that have and in the middle.

[25:48] Cloak and Dagger.

[25:49] Luke Cage and Power Man.

[25:51] Heroes for Hire.

[25:53] Yeah.

[25:55] Okay, you're back.

[25:56] Jacoby and Myers.

Stuart Wellington

[26:00] Nine phone ones of those.

[26:02] So, yeah.

[26:03] It's this great party.

[26:05] Everybody's.

Elliott Kalan

[26:05] Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man.

[26:07] Everybody's waiting.

[26:08] Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.

[26:10] Anyway, there's a 4th of July party going on.

[26:12] Everybody loves it.

[26:13] The dad and the son decide to go off.

[26:15] He's come around a little bit to accepting Katie in as a member of their group.

[26:20] He was very resistant because he missed his mom.

[26:22] And Katie stays behind with Lexi.

[26:26] But, uh-oh.

Stuart Wellington

[26:27] And nobody seems to care that this shambling horror of a detective is lurching about town.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] During the 4th of July parade.

[26:34] He's wandering.

[26:36] Wandering through the middle of the parade.

[26:37] Accosting every blonde woman he sees.

[26:40] The police, so busy rigging up the fireworks.

[26:42] The pyrotechnics are just not stopping him.

[26:45] It is like, there's so many times in this movie where you ask yourself, am I the only one who can see this guy?

[26:50] Like, is everyone in the movie, can they see him?

[26:52] Is he actually there?

[26:53] Or did, like, I dream him?

[26:55] And it turns out.

[26:56] But that's not helpful that he's a ghost.

[26:57] Yeah, there's no ghost.

[26:59] There's no ghost in this world.

[27:00] There's nothing that's let us.

[27:01] There's, if the most supernatural thing we've seen in the movie is someone break their foot through a floorboard, and that's not supernatural.

Stuart Wellington

[27:08] It was clearly the work of some possum underneath the house.

Elliott Kalan

[27:10] Yeah, not even a ghost possum.

[27:12] Probably not.

[27:13] Probably not.

[27:14] Could be a ghost possum.

[27:14] There's pretty greedy.

[27:16] Now, okay.

[27:18] Katie falls asleep and has a dream that Joe, her best friend, the possible lesbian, and not at all a ghost, Joe tells her, your husband's here.

[27:28] She wakes up.

[27:29] She sees it's true.

[27:30] He's outside.

[27:31] She goes down to try to calm him down and make him leave.

[27:33] Talk him off.

[27:34] Talk him away.

[27:35] He's like, I love you.

[27:38] And she says, no, I'm, she goes, let me take you.

[27:41] He goes, let me take you home.

[27:42] And she goes, I am home.

[27:43] And then he pulls a gun.

[27:46] Bum, bum, bum.

[27:47] Oh, no, he didn't pull the gun yet, right?

[27:48] He probably pulls a gun.

[27:49] He starts spraying gasoline all over the place, and he's about to light it on fire, and she stops him.

[27:53] He pulls a gun, and they walk away, and fireworks, little, you know, flares, sparks.

Stuart Wellington

[28:02] In addition to stirring fires within the hearts of all true patriots.

[28:06] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Fireworks are dangerous because they might set a fire where a crazy person has spread gas all over.

Elliott Kalan

[28:14] All over the country store.

[28:15] Yeah.

[28:15] And that's exactly what happens.

[28:17] Goes up in flames.

[28:18] No, Lexi, the cute little girl, is up there.

Stuart Wellington

[28:20] Kind of why I appreciate our state's strict anti-fireworks laws.

[28:23] Yeah.

[28:24] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] Can't buy them, can't set them off, except with municipal permission.

[28:29] Now, there's a fire raging.

[28:31] A fire raging inside us.

[28:33] It's called heartburn.

[28:35] That's where my limits are going.

[28:37] I'm here to talk to you.

[28:38] Because it's not really your heart.

[28:39] It's me, your stomach.

[28:41] Telling you.

[28:42] Do you guys remember those old ads?

[28:44] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[28:44] I was saying, you're my stomach?

Elliott Kalan

[28:47] No, there were those ads ads.

Dan McCoy

[28:47] Is that the twist in safe haven?

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] The twist in safe haven is I'm Dan's stomach.

Dan McCoy

[28:52] That doesn't make sense.

[28:53] And tell me.

[28:54] Wait, hold on.

[28:55] I'm going back over.

Elliott Kalan

[28:57] It does make sense.

[28:58] Remember when all that food you ate went into me?

Stuart Wellington

[29:00] Every piece.

[29:01] Wait, I've never seen you and my stomach in the same room before.

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] Gotta go.

[29:07] It's like a real M. Night Shyamalan ending.

[29:10] It's called the sixth stomach.

[29:12] Or the stomach sense.

[29:14] Also, undigestible.

[29:16] And let's not forget.

[29:20] Stomach in the water.

[29:22] Stomach in the water.

[29:22] I think it would be tummy in the water.

[29:24] Tummy in the water.

[29:25] But other movies.

[29:26] Crappening.

[29:27] Wait.

[29:28] I guess crap comes out of your stomach.

[29:30] Yeah, sure.

[29:30] At some point.

[29:31] Anyway.

[29:32] So, there's a fire raging.

[29:33] Uh-oh.

[29:34] She goes, no.

[29:35] The dad sees it happening.

[29:37] He raises back.

[29:38] Saves his daughter.

[29:39] And meanwhile, the girl.

[29:41] Kristen and her husband are.

[29:43] It's Katie.

[29:43] Katie.

[29:44] Whatever.

[29:45] Katie and her husband.

[29:45] Who cares?

[29:46] It's the same favorite.

[29:47] Who the fuck cares?

[29:49] Katie and her husband are fighting.

[29:51] He's got a gun.

[29:52] Ah.

[29:52] Oh, no.

[29:53] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[29:55] And she pulls the trigger.

[29:56] Boom.

[29:57] Shoots him in the head.

[29:58] And he's dead.

[29:59] Oh.

[30:00] But he's not.

[30:00] He's not dead.

[30:01] In fact, he's not the only.

Dan McCoy

[30:02] Another movie solved by killing someone.

Elliott Kalan

[30:04] I also forgot to mention earlier in the movie that the sun falls into the water.

[30:08] Katie sees it and goes, no.

[30:09] And that's what tips off the dad that he needs to jump in and save him.

[30:13] So, everyone saved the kids by this point.

[30:15] Now.

[30:17] Okay.

[30:17] Movie's over.

[30:18] Movie's over, right?

[30:19] The evil husband is dead.

[30:21] We can move on with our lives.

[30:23] It turns out.

Dan McCoy

[30:23] Movies go are thankfully ghost free.

[30:26] 100%.

Elliott Kalan

[30:27] We ended the movie with no ghosts in it.

[30:28] Not a hint of the supernatural.

[30:30] Or the eerie.

Dan McCoy

[30:31] No need to call the Ghostbusters.

[30:33] Not.

[30:33] Because we are in control.

Elliott Kalan

[30:36] Not a sight of a phantasmum.

[30:38] No.

[30:38] Or a hint the various drop of ectoplasm.

[30:42] Nothing.

[30:43] Not even ecto cooler.

[30:45] No slimer.

[30:47] No poltergeists.

[30:48] No ghosts of Christmas past, present, or future.

[30:51] Not even a poultry geist.

[30:53] No specters.

[30:54] Not even willie geist of MSNBC's Morning Joe.

[30:58] Nothing.

[30:59] But it turns out the widow, the wife, before she died, wrote letters to all the children.

[31:04] And they're labeled like, to Lexi on her 18th birthday.

[31:07] To Josh on his graduation.

[31:09] To Wong Fu.

[31:10] Thanks for everything.

[31:10] Jeewee Lumar.

[31:11] I mean, that's the whole letter, but yeah.

[31:13] And she's written one that says, to her.

[31:17] And it's to whoever the husband falls in love with next.

[31:21] And it is a long rambling note.

[31:22] And it starts, you skank.

[31:24] Get away from my husband.

[31:25] You ho, get your hands off my man.

[31:27] And then a ghost jumps out of the envelope and strangles her.

[31:30] No, I wish.

[31:31] Anyway, it's just like the end of Drag Me to Hell.

[31:35] Where the not bad person who went to a lot of trouble gets dragged to hell anyway.

[31:39] But, spoiler.

[31:40] That's the moral.

[31:41] The moral is, check your fucking pockets before you get on a train.

[31:45] That's the moral of Drag Me to Hell.

[31:47] Check all your pockets so you know you don't have a cursed coin in your pocket.

[31:52] Or a cursed button in your pocket.

Dan McCoy

[31:54] It's one of those morals that's really applicable in day-to-day life.

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] Yeah, checking your pockets is a great moral.

[32:00] If you live in a place with scorpions, check your shoes, too.

[32:03] There could be a scorpion or a cursed button in it.

[32:05] Spay and neuter your pets.

[32:07] I'm Bob Barker for The Price is Right.

[32:09] It's literally just the theme song

[32:21] and the price is right.

[32:23] I don't know, man.

[32:23] Safe Haven.

[32:24] Anyway, so she's written the show.

[32:26] Katie is reading the letter.

Stuart Wellington

[32:27] Your Safe Haven's been burned to the ground.

[32:28] Burned to a crisp.

[32:29] Burned to a crisp.

[32:30] Extra down to the ground.

Elliott Kalan

[32:31] It is blackened, crispy style.

[32:34] It is Cajun style.

[32:37] Just gumbo.

[32:38] You guarantee that Safe Haven is gone.

[32:41] And she reads this letter that's like,

[32:43] to the woman my husband is in love with,

[32:46] I hope you love him too because he gave you this letter.

[32:48] He loves you.

[32:49] Take care of him.

[32:50] Blah, blah, blah.

[32:51] I'm glad he's found you.

[32:51] We need somebody, et cetera.

[32:53] Don't mess up my kids for life.

[32:54] And you know what's coming.

[32:56] From a mile away, you're waiting for the reveal.

[33:00] And they just take so long to reveal it.

[33:02] And then finally you see a picture of the wife who died.

[33:07] It's Jo.

[33:08] Her friend Jo that you realize now nobody ever saw or interacted with.

Dan McCoy

[33:13] Robin Chabatsky, Asian of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Stuart Wellington

[33:15] She was a cut to shots from earlier in the movie,

[33:18] and now this character is disappearing from every single one.

[33:21] Never there.

[33:22] Like her parents didn't get married in Back to the Future.

[33:23] Ghosts apparently don't exist.

Dan McCoy

[33:25] She just came back to vet her husband's new wife.

[33:28] Yep.

[33:29] So a movie that...

[33:31] I can see you fucking my husband.

[33:32] A movie...

Stuart Wellington

[33:33] You know what?

[33:34] She probably did.

[33:35] They probably had a shot of her watching it through the window.

[33:38] Yeah.

[33:38] Yeah, that's the stuff.

[33:39] She checked out.

Elliott Kalan

[33:41] Yeah, no, work it more.

[33:42] Come on.

[33:43] Come on.

[33:44] Don't be frightened.

[33:45] It's not going to hurt you.

[33:47] Keep going.

[33:47] He knows where you're going.

[33:47] Oh, he doesn't like that.

[33:49] No, no, no, no, no.

[33:49] Don't put that there.

[33:51] No, no, no.

[33:52] No, he's got issues.

[33:53] No, no, no, no.

[33:54] Okay.

[33:54] Yes.

[33:54] Okay.

[33:54] No.

[33:55] Okay.

[33:56] Slower.

[33:56] Fast.

[33:57] Now faster.

[33:57] Slower again.

[33:59] No, no, too slow.

[33:59] Now upside down.

[34:01] Okay.

[34:02] Okay.

[34:02] Now twice.

[34:03] Why don't you guys take a break?

[34:04] You need a breather?

[34:05] You're just not getting it.

[34:06] Let me show you.

[34:06] Take the masks off.

[34:07] Let me ghost fuck him to show you what I'm talking about.

[34:10] Because you obviously have no idea what you're doing.

[34:13] I'm amazed you got this far in life without knowing how to do it.

[34:16] Let a ghost teach you how to have sex.

[34:17] Because that's how bad you are at it.

[34:20] Man.

[34:21] What an angry ghost.

[34:23] Ghosts probably know.

[34:23] We've learned from Ghostbusters that ghosts have great blowjobs.

[34:26] Maybe they're good at sex too.

[34:27] They make your eyes go cross-eyed.

[34:28] They make you go cross-eyed in a scene that shouldn't be in the movie.

[34:33] So anyway.

[34:34] You're dressed as Napoleon.

[34:35] This movie that has not had a hint of the supernatural ends with a ghost reveal.

[34:40] Boom.

[34:40] Thanks, Nicholas Sparks.

[34:42] Thanks, Safe Haven.

[34:43] You did it.

[34:43] You did it again.

[34:44] I'm done with you.

[34:45] Now, three things about this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[34:47] It's great for me because I don't like romances, but I love ghosts.

Elliott Kalan

[34:51] Stuart was like, I hate this movie.

[34:52] And then you know it was a ghost and you were like, I love this movie.

[34:55] You're like, Stuart, are you okay?

[34:57] Are you crying?

[34:59] I'm not crying at that ghost.

[35:02] And so we all agreed the movie should have been called Ghost Mom or, help, my mom is a ghost.

[35:08] Or shut up ghost.

[35:09] Or I divorced a ghost.

[35:12] I don't think you divorced a ghost.

[35:14] Remember when somebody dies of cancer?

[35:15] Yes.

[35:16] I just divorced this ghost.

[35:18] Till death do we part, but not really.

[35:21] So, there are three things about this movie.

[35:24] One, it is super slow and super dull.

[35:28] But to the point where, for the first hour of the movie, almost nothing is happening.

[35:32] But so little is happening that it feels ominous.

[35:35] And you're waiting for some terrible, like, I was halfway.

[35:38] Some audition-esque reveal.

Dan McCoy

[35:40] Well, that's what tips the movie more than anything.

[35:42] You're like, there's got to be more to the movie than this.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] The comparison I was making you guys was it's like in Casino Royale, after they've stopped Le Chiffre, they won the big Texas Hold'em game.

[35:54] Everything's fine.

[35:56] James Bond's balls have healed from getting hit with a carpet beater.

[35:59] And they're just gallivanting around Venice for, like, eight minutes, nine minutes.

[36:04] And you're like, well, you're trying to make me think everything's okay, but I know it can't be okay or the movie would have ended.

[36:11] It's not just a travelogue at the end.

[36:13] Movies don't routinely end with nine or ten minutes of the characters just doing fine.

[36:18] So you know that something's going to happen in this movie because nothing is...

Stuart Wellington

[36:21] We know this is an hour and 55 minutes.

[36:22] It's not all just going to be footage of them, like, smiling on a beach.

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] And occasionally buying things at a store.

Dan McCoy

[36:29] Although I was thinking, like, perhaps one of the reasons why everyone was acting so awkward throughout the whole movie

[36:34] was to camouflage how awkward it was that she was talking to a ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[36:39] Maybe.

[36:40] Maybe.

Dan McCoy

[36:40] I'm just like, oh, if everyone seems weird, then it's not weird that her friend Joe just hangs out in her cabin and never interacts with anyone else.

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] Clever movie making.

[36:48] Yeah.

[36:48] The dullness of the first scenes should have built up like a town of cannibals or something like that, you know.

[36:55] Or maybe everyone's a ghost.

[36:58] Like, it really felt like you were waiting for some huge audition twist.

[37:01] And there are twists that come out of nowhere, but they're like super stupid twists.

Stuart Wellington

[37:05] Well, it's like what you're saying, the idea of doing something so obvious just to try and disguise something else.

[37:11] Like, they try to obfuscate the fact that the police officer is this woman's husband.

[37:16] So that he goes to their neighbor and is showing her pictures, have you seen this woman who's clearly his wife?

[37:23] And like, that's his neighbor.

[37:24] As if he's never met these people?

Elliott Kalan

[37:26] As if they've never met him?

Stuart Wellington

[37:28] And she doesn't say anything like, yeah, she ran away from you, you abusive asshole.

[37:33] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[37:34] Like, she doesn't, or she doesn't like call the chief of police and be like, hey, I'm being hassled by one of your drunk cops.

Elliott Kalan

[37:42] Yeah.

[37:42] The other thing is, my favorite characters, aside from the Founding Fathers' paper mache heads, were the cops who are so enamored of these fireworks that they totally miss this huge drama that's going on beneath their noses.

[37:56] There's a crazy guy wandering the town, there's a suspected murderer dating their best friend, and meanwhile, they just can't get enough of these fireworks.

Stuart Wellington

[38:04] Well, and I like that they're there helping the hero set off the fireworks.

[38:08] He sees his house on fire, and he's like, oh my god, I gotta go help them.

[38:12] And the cops are like, okay, go take care of that, we got this.

[38:15] We're on fireworks duty.

[38:16] You stop that crime in progress.

Elliott Kalan

[38:18] We'll take care of the holiday celebrations.

[38:19] And the other thing is that this is a movie with a stabbing, a shot to the head, a fire that endangers a little kid, a kid who almost drowns, and the two most exciting scenes in it.

[38:30] One potentially more ghosts.

[38:32] Yeah, oh, potentially ghosts.

[38:34] Yeah, more than one ghost.

[38:35] For me, the two most exciting scenes in the whole movie were a brief conversation about gorillas and kale, and a scene where a little girl recommends paint colors to a woman painting the floor of a kitchen.

[38:48] Yeah.

[38:49] Those were the, for me, those were the scenes of the movie that was like, all right, now we're getting somewhere.

Dan McCoy

[38:53] And then the old guy says to Josh Duhamel, oh, we're selling paint now?

[38:57] Why'd they fucking have paint color chips?

[38:58] They had a book of paint samples, and the daughter said, oh, we have a book of paint samples.

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] I did, but, uh.

[39:04] Maybe it was put there by the ghost.

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:07] Yeah, yeah.

[39:07] Fair enough.

[39:08] The ghost has been, that would have been great.

[39:09] The ghost is a paint rep.

[39:11] There was a series.

[39:13] She gets a ghost mission.

[39:14] Yeah.

[39:16] It would have been great if there were scenes then of the ghost planting things in different places.

[39:20] Like, she's sawing away at the floorboard to make it weak so that she has to go to the store.

[39:25] She's putting the paint book in there, and then she turns to the daughter and goes, shh.

[39:30] She pushes the sun into the water so he almost drowns to make it, you know, to get that moment going.

[39:35] She's a real prankster spirit.

[39:37] It's just like that scene in Identity with little kids running around killing all those people,

[39:41] even though it only happened in John Cusack's head, so it doesn't matter.

[39:43] It happens in John Cusack's body.

[39:45] Or not even in John Cusack's head.

[39:46] What's his face?

[39:47] In the prisoner's head.

Dan McCoy

[39:48] Yeah.

[39:48] John Cusack.

[39:50] Look, we've gone on for a long time.

[39:53] I think we can skip final judgments.

[39:55] I think it's safe to say that we all thought this was a bad, bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:57] I think it was a good, good movie.

[39:59] It was a boo bad movie.

[40:01] No, that's not a...

[40:01] Because it had a ghost in it.

[40:03] Yeah, all right.

[40:03] Boo bad.

[40:05] Mm-hmm.

[40:05] Boo berry.

[40:06] Not boob ad, like an advertisement for boobs.

Stuart Wellington

[40:09] Which we'd probably support.

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] Oh, come on.

[40:11] It would be the best-selling product in the history of the world.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] Speaking of advertisements, I'd like to say a few words about our sponsor for this program.

[40:19] And who is our fine sponsor for this program?

[40:21] Our fine sponsor for this program is TiVo.

[40:23] And look, if you're anything like me, you're like, why is life so damn hard?

[40:29] Everything.

[40:30] I want his bum name.

[40:31] Everything is hard.

[40:32] Everything's a trial.

[40:34] Well, TiVo has made one thing easier, at least, watching television.

[40:39] Once upon a time, if you wanted to see a TV show, say you wanted to see the Cosby show.

[40:42] You have to be at home at Thursday night on NBC and watch that stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[40:48] And for one season, you had to choose between the Cosby show and The Simpsons.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] Yeah.

[40:51] No more, friends.

[40:53] Now, TiVo will record those shows for you so you can watch them.

[40:57] And you can watch them wherever you want and whenever you want.

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] What if I wanted to watch them at 3 a.m.?

Dan McCoy

[41:03] You can watch it then.

[41:04] What about midnight?

[41:05] Also then.

[41:06] What about 2 p.m.?

[41:06] You can also watch it at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[41:08] What about while I'm having a heart attack?

Dan McCoy

[41:09] You should probably go to the hospital.

[41:11] But once you're done getting yourself checked out, you can come home and watch your show

[41:14] on TiVo.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] We have Thursday nights at the same time as The Simpsons.

Dan McCoy

[41:18] Not the same anymore.

[41:19] What about while I'm sleeping?

[41:21] All right.

[41:22] While you're sleeping?

Stuart Wellington

[41:24] And I watch while you were sleeping.

[41:25] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[41:26] Now, I know what you may be thinking.

[41:29] A lot of cable providers now have the DVR boxes.

[41:34] Well, TiVo is a better alternative to your regular DVR boxes because they have things

[41:39] like TiVo Stream, which lets you watch your TV on your iPad and also transfer your recordings

[41:44] so you can take them with you anywhere.

[41:47] Anywhere, Stuart.

[41:49] To the beach, perhaps.

Stuart Wellington

[41:51] To awkward point.

[41:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[41:54] To watch fireworks.

[41:56] And only TiVo searches cable.

Elliott Kalan

[41:58] What if I'm on the bus running from my abusive husband?

[42:01] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] Yeah, you don't want to leave all your shows behind.

Elliott Kalan

[42:03] No.

[42:03] I want to catch up on Hannibal.

[42:04] Like your old life.

Stuart Wellington

[42:06] Again.

[42:06] I want to catch up on Hannibal and girls.

Dan McCoy

[42:07] Again, if there's a crisis in your life, you should resolve that crisis and then get

[42:11] back to television.

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] Okay.

[42:12] But TiVo.

Dan McCoy

[42:13] Yeah.

[42:14] But TiVo also searches cable on the internet to find any show, movie, or video that you

[42:18] might want to try and find.

[42:20] It makes Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon, and YouTube channels on your very own television.

[42:25] With TiVo Mini, in fact, one TiVo box works with two televisions.

[42:30] Now, say you wanted to watch Castle Freak.

[42:33] Sure.

[42:34] You could watch it wherever and whenever you wanted.

[42:37] Now, the important thing to take away here is that visitors to TiVo.com can get $25

[42:42] off of a new TiVo Premiere P4 or XL4 DVR by using the promo code ATC for all things comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[42:52] And that's at what website?

Dan McCoy

[42:54] TiVo.com.

Elliott Kalan

[42:56] And what's that code again?

Dan McCoy

[42:58] ATC.

Elliott Kalan

[42:59] And what's that website?

Dan McCoy

[43:00] TiVo.com.

[43:02] I just want to say that TiVo is the best DVR alternative.

Elliott Kalan

[43:06] Better than the crappy Time Warner DVR box?

[43:09] The terrible Time Warner?

[43:10] The really bad one that breaks all the time?

[43:12] One million times better.

[43:13] And it heats up to the point that its circuits melt?

Dan McCoy

[43:18] I don't want to overstate this in case Time Warner turns off my cable, but yes.

Elliott Kalan

[43:22] Now, ATC, what does that stand for?

Dan McCoy

[43:23] That stands for all things comedy.

[43:25] In fact, if you want to go over to allthingscomedy.com, you can find all things comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[43:29] Lots of great comedy podcasts.

[43:31] Try them out.

[43:32] You'll love them.

[43:33] I don't know that there's a bum one in the bunch.

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] They're part of our big family.

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] Part of our family of network podcasts.

Stuart Wellington

[43:40] And they put up with us, so.

Elliott Kalan

[43:42] Yeah, at family occasions.

[43:43] And we are a handful.

Dan McCoy

[43:46] But now, we're going to move on to the Flophouse movie mailbag.

[43:53] This first...

[43:54] What's in that bag, Illet?

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] What's in that bag?

[43:56] Well, look in the bag, and I think you'll find mail.

[43:59] Hey, what the hell?

[44:00] It's a bag full of mail.

[44:02] There's mail over here and mail over there.

[44:05] Why, look in the bag.

[44:07] You'll see mail everywhere.

[44:09] It's mail for you, Stu.

[44:10] And mail for me.

[44:12] Mail for Dan and maybe Valerie.

[44:15] Who's that?

[44:17] Looks like it was misdelivered.

[44:19] The address is for next door, so let's take it over when the podcast is through.

[44:23] But for now, it's the mailbag for me and you.

[44:26] And Val will get that letter to you.

[44:28] It looks like it's a bill or possibly a paycheck.

[44:31] I think you need this.

[44:33] We'll get it to you quickly.

[44:34] I don't know what kind of troubles you're having, but let us know.

[44:38] You've got to rely on your neighbors.

[44:40] The intro seems needlessly detailed.

[44:41] The idea of community.

[44:43] I know you're having trouble with your son.

[44:46] He doesn't seem to listen to anyone.

[44:49] This is a segment that we're trying to get into.

[44:52] Kids these days, they go through troubles, but then they're all right.

[44:55] At the Thop House mailbag.

Dan McCoy

[44:59] There's a lot of comfort for Valerie there.

Elliott Kalan

[45:01] Yeah.

[45:02] Oh, she's gone through a tough time.

[45:03] Man, this is...

[45:04] Why don't you use that bill and or patron?

[45:06] Yeah, little Ronnie is acting up again.

Dan McCoy

[45:08] This letter is from Tim, last name withheld.

[45:12] He has no subject, but he starts off his letter by saying,

[45:15] Wow, Elliot, that letter song was amazing.

[45:17] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[45:18] Thank you, Tim.

[45:19] I appreciate it.

[45:20] It's very nice of you to write in and say that.

[45:21] You know, when I write my letter songs, I really try to think,

[45:25] What would I feel like if I was a letter?

[45:27] What would I want to hear?

[45:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:29] You get into the character of a letter.

[45:31] You'll get into the character of a guy opening mail.

Dan McCoy

[45:33] He says, I've always listened to you waxing lyrical about how delicious Popeye's is from a Popeye's-less Britain.

[45:39] Oh.

[45:39] So until now, I've been unable to sample its chickeny wonders.

[45:43] But now I've moved to Qatar in the Middle East, where Popeye's is everywhere.

[45:48] Popeye's wasn't my main reason for moving, of course.

[45:50] That would be nuts.

Elliott Kalan

[45:52] You moved for the nuts?

Dan McCoy

[45:53] As a Popeye's virgin.

[45:55] They have really good nuts there?

[45:56] As a Popeye's virgin, eager to try this fabled food of the gods, this ambrosia in a bucket,

[46:02] what would you recommend I get?

[46:03] I could even eat along with the next podcast in a smell-o-vision type of deal.

[46:08] And he says, P.S., here's the Arabic logo for Popeye's.

[46:11] I wonder if they've literally translated it, though, like popped eyeballs or something.

[46:16] And so here's the picture.

[46:17] I'm showing it around.

Elliott Kalan

[46:19] Makes me wish I could read Arabic so I could see Popeye's in it.

[46:22] Now, here's my advice.

[46:24] Okay, I don't know how they do it in Qatar, but there's two types of Popeye's.

[46:28] There's your mild and your spicy.

[46:29] Some prefer spicy.

[46:31] Some prefer mild.

[46:31] I prefer mild.

[46:32] But spicy is also very good.

[46:34] Now, Popeye's is a heavy food.

[46:36] You're going to want to start small.

[46:37] I'd say if you've never had it before, start with like a two-piece.

[46:40] Do a family-sized bucket?

[46:41] No.

[46:42] Get maybe like a two-piece or maybe like a piece of mild and a piece of spicy.

[46:47] See what you like more.

[46:49] And then build from there.

[46:50] At this point, I can eat six, seven pieces in a row sometimes.

[46:54] But for instance...

[46:55] Yeah, but you shouldn't overreach on this first try.

[46:56] No, no, no.

[46:57] For a beginner, you're going to want to try just one or two.

[46:59] But hey, I hope you like it.

[47:01] And if you don't, never talk to me again.

[47:05] No, keep enjoying it, and I hope you're having a great time in Qatar.

Dan McCoy

[47:08] All right, so this second letter is titled, Praise from a New Listener.

[47:12] It's from Michelle, last name withheld.

[47:14] She says, I'm a relatively new listener.

[47:17] Michelle Obama.

Elliott Kalan

[47:19] However...

[47:19] It's so lonely in the White House when I husband, the president, last name withheld, is away.

Stuart Wellington

[47:24] All these ghosts keep bothering me, so I have to listen to this podcast.

[47:27] However, despite my...

[47:28] It scares the ghost into sleep.

[47:30] Wait, it scares the ghost into sleep?

[47:34] For ghosts, every day is the opposite day.

[47:36] What?

[47:39] I've never heard of these ghost rules before.

Elliott Kalan

[47:43] Is this in Tobin's spirit guide?

[47:45] Yeah.

[47:48] Go on, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[47:49] She says, despite my short time with you all, the Flophouse has quickly become my favorite podcast,

[47:55] to the point where the other podcasts I subscribe to have a backlog of new episodes.

[48:00] I've ignored in favor of listening to an episode of yours again.

[48:04] Beyond my praise, however, I do have a question to pose to the original Peaches.

[48:08] If you could add any one film to the Criterion Collection, which would it be and what special features would you like it to have?

[48:15] Assume that Castle Freak has already been added and it featured a half-hour short film titled,

[48:21] Ding Dong Gate, The Making of a Controversy.

[48:24] For me personally, I would love to see Satan Tango?

[48:29] Satan Tango?

[48:30] I don't know how to say that.

[48:31] Get a good release.

[48:32] Is that the Bellator movie?

[48:34] Perhaps.

[48:35] But in my heart of hearts, I dream for a critical re-evaluation of Freddy Got Fingered.

[48:39] That's from Michelle.

Elliott Kalan

[48:41] Well, Stuart, if you can't choose Castle Freak, what would you choose?

Stuart Wellington

[48:44] And are there any other titles off the table?

[48:47] I think just Castle Freak, so I think I know what you're going to say.

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] Obviously Invisible Maniac.

[48:51] What extras?

[48:52] How to make a submarine sandwich?

Stuart Wellington

[48:53] Yeah.

[48:54] Well, the magic behind the Invisible Man.

[48:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:00] The man behind the Maniac.

[49:03] What about you, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[49:04] Oh, jeez.

[49:05] I don't, I mean, like, I feel like this has got to go into movies we've discussed before.

[49:11] Could.

[49:12] Or could not.

[49:14] You know, they're a pair, like, I am a big fan of 80s horror films.

[49:20] And they're a type of film that doesn't get the sort of critical love that they could,

[49:25] even though they get a lot of nerd love.

[49:27] But I think that a, maybe a criterion box set of both An American Werewolf in London and Return of the Living Dead would be fun.

[49:37] Return of the Living Dead would be a great criterion selection.

[49:39] And perhaps a documentary on the subject of horror comedies.

[49:45] And perhaps examining why there are a lot of horror comedies that sprung up in the 1980s and were successful in a way that they have not been at all since.

[49:56] So that's an idea.

Elliott Kalan

[49:58] I've got a couple that I'd throw out.

[50:00] Obviously, my favorite movie, The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3.

[50:03] You don't want a commentary from director Joseph Sargent.

[50:05] And if there's any behind-the-scenes footage of them making that movie, I'd love to see it.

[50:10] Just kind of like, that movie captures, I feel like, that era in New York so well.

[50:14] And I'd love to see more footage of them in those real locations.

[50:18] But hey, you know, I'm going to throw Criterion Gremlins 2, the new batch, at me.

[50:21] And include both the film and video versions of The Interruption in the Middle, where the gremlins break the movie.

[50:28] I'd be happy with that.

Dan McCoy

[50:29] And maybe that fan film that was made, where someone did a very funny movie.

[50:35] Fancy version of that break that used TiVo-like technology.

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] Oh, yeah, that's right.

[50:42] Or, frankly, here's what I'd love to see.

[50:44] Criterion Collection version of either Nuki or Slow Bullet, the two worst movies I've ever seen.

[50:49] With Slow Bullet especially, if they could track down the people who worked at the Florida video store.

[50:53] And have them explain themselves.

[50:54] And have them explain themselves.

[50:55] And also the members of the band that wrote the original heavy metal soundtrack to the movie.

[51:00] I would watch that terrible movie all over again.

[51:04] And find out all about what happens when people reach for the stars but fall into hot lava.

Dan McCoy

[51:10] So this is our third and last letter of the evening.

[51:14] Because it is a very long letter.

[51:16] So buckle in, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] Oh, boy.

[51:18] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[51:19] So this is...

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] If this is...

[51:22] Okay, well, let's see.

Dan McCoy

[51:23] This is from Josh.

[51:24] Last name was...

[51:25] Oh, thank goodness.

[51:26] And it's titled...

Elliott Kalan

[51:27] This Raider's gonna be soccer stuff.

Dan McCoy

[51:29] It's titled Non-Sexual Fanfic.

[51:32] Uh-oh.

[51:33] So it starts off like this.

[51:35] Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, under a very handsome sun, Stuart Wellington rides atop a pyramid of topless water skiing bikini models.

[51:43] Despite the endless wealth he...

[51:45] Despite the endless wealth he possesses as the doula heir of both the Beef Wellington and Stuart, the character from Mad TV empires,

[51:52] This bevy of bodacious babes actually pays him for the opportunity to be the hard-bodied mantle upon which he is raised to the stars.

[52:01] The solid gold speedboat that powers the group cuts sharply across the water.

[52:06] Very inefficient.

[52:07] And a spray of ocean splashes against Stuart's sunglasses in a manner that looks so cool that not one, not two, but all four Ninja Turtles shake their heads in wonderment.

[52:17] Hidden within the audience of amazed onlookers.

Elliott Kalan

[52:19] Wait, so the Ninja Turtles are just there?

[52:21] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[52:22] Hidden within the audience of amazed onlookers, Josh Hartnett eats a dissatisfying hot dog and grumbles something hateful.

[52:29] Stuart pretends not to notice.

[52:32] A bright red plane flies overhead in a great swooping weaving path, leaving a thick tendril of white smoke that reads,

[52:39] I know this is an unorthodox method of communication, but since you never keep your cell phone on you, I really have no other option, Stuart.

[52:45] We have an emergency back at Flop Quarters.

[52:48] Quit with the hot dog in and get moving.

[52:50] Anne Hathaway out.

Elliott Kalan

[52:52] Wait, so Anne Hathaway's in the message?

Stuart Wellington

[52:54] Yeah, yeah.

[52:55] You got your ex-girlfriend to do it.

[52:57] Not my ex-girlfriend.

Dan McCoy

[52:57] Elsewhere, Elliot Kalin screams cut from the greatest movie set ever assembled.

[53:02] You're killing me, Nicholas Cage.

[53:04] You're killing me, Nicholas Cage.

[53:04] How hard can it be to do a pitch-perfect impression of our greatest American president, Abraham Lincoln?

[53:09] All you have to do is be 6'4", wear a hat, and be better than every other human being who's either existed or been written into a piece of fiction.

[53:16] Damn straight.

[53:17] Sergei Eisenstein never had to deal with this kind of shit.

[53:19] Elliot thinks to himself as Nicholas Cage walks away dejected.

Elliott Kalan

[53:23] Just to interject there, Sergei Eisenstein had to deal with Stalin, so he had way worse things to deal with.

[53:28] But anyway, continue.

[53:29] I'm enjoying the story so far.

Dan McCoy

[53:31] Nick might have fiery hell powers, but they're useless in the face of a divided nation.

[53:36] Something vibrates in Elliot's pocket.

[53:38] Oh, Anne, why are you still in my life?

[53:41] He pulls out the phone.

[53:42] Wait, what?

[53:44] Elliot here.

[53:45] Elliot, you have to get to...

[53:47] That's exactly how he answers the phone in the middle.

[53:49] Elliot, you have to get to flop quarters now.

[53:52] The world needs the original peaches, Anne Hathaway says.

[53:54] I'm on it, Elliot responds.

[53:56] Oh, and Elliot, I love you.

[53:59] Silence hangs in the air.

[54:01] Elliot squints and gently chews his own cheek.

[54:04] I know, he says before pressing in.

[54:06] That's right, he totally Han soloed that shit.

[54:09] Knowing the situation is dire, Elliot sprints from the set and climbs onto the exoskeleton he constructed from old Emmys he didn't have room for in the TV awards wing in his home.

[54:18] As he rockets off into the atmosphere, Anne Hathaway's heart skips a single beat from hundreds of miles away.

[54:23] She would never stop loving that man.

[54:25] That's weird.

[54:29] Finally, in the vague center of an empty white room...

[54:31] What was this?

[54:31] In the...

[54:32] In the vague center of an empty white room sits a man staring at the brick wall of the neighboring apartment.

[54:39] His mind is plagued with uninteresting thoughts and song lyrics that swarm his personality like a locust in a field.

[54:47] The sad thing is he can almost remember what it feels like to be a complete human being full of emotions and insights.

[54:53] But he can't quite pin down the sensation the same way a bastard can't quite picture his father's face.

[54:59] It wasn't always like this, though.

[55:01] Legend has it that at some point in his life, this sad man was once full of joy.

[55:05] In fact, he was once what some people would call fun.

[55:08] What happened to this man?

[55:10] He was cursed by the most boring wizard of all time.

[55:13] You would think that that kind of claim is subjective, but no.

[55:16] In this instance, it is objectively true to say it was the most boring wizard of all time.

[55:21] By any metric you choose, no wizard was more boring.

[55:24] And now Dan McCoy must carry that curse.

[55:27] Oh, poor Dan.

[55:28] A generic ring echoes through the empty white room.

[55:31] Dan answers the phone.

[55:33] Dan, there's trouble in the city.

[55:34] We need you at flop quarters now.

[55:36] Dan sighs, puts on his Velcro shoes, and hails a taxi.

[55:39] A boring man indeed.

[55:41] You can't even tie his shoes.

[55:43] I have very nice shoes.

[55:46] Our three heroes arrive.

[55:47] Elliot in his armor of ultimate TV achievement.

[55:50] Stuart with two beers and a hoagie in each hand.

[55:52] And Dan with a sigh.

[55:54] All right, team, says Anne Hathaway.

[55:56] There have been a number of robberies all across the city.

[55:59] So far, seven animal shelters have been hit without any suspects.

[56:02] Do you three have any idea who's behind us?

[56:04] Stuart and Elliot look at each other with dashing and most handsome concern.

[56:08] Dan sighs.

[56:10] Seven pounds, they say in unison.

[56:13] To be continued.

[56:14] Will they catch seven pounds?

[56:16] Will Anne Hathaway finally get the respect she deserves for being awesome as Selina Kyle?

[56:19] Will our three heroes share an unexpectedly gay experience and learn something they never wanted to know about themselves?

[56:24] We already heard that story.

[56:25] Will Ham overtake turkey as the traditional Thanksgiving centerpiece?

[56:29] Find that out and more next week in Alpha Flop Team Men, The Peaches Protocol, number two.

[56:35] So that was a very long message.

[56:37] Excellent work.

[56:38] Who wrote that?

[56:38] That was from Josh, last name with hell.

[56:41] Josh, last name with hell.

Elliott Kalan

[56:42] Nice work, Josh.

[56:43] That's the best Flophouse fan fiction ever.

[56:45] And not only because it was the only one without us having sex with each other.

Stuart Wellington

[56:51] Just barely first place for me.

Dan McCoy

[56:54] I have some objections to it.

[56:58] Everyone was perfectly captured?

[56:59] I feel like there were maybe some things that were wrong with that.

Stuart Wellington

[57:02] I mean, sometimes looking into a mirror can be difficult, Dan.

[57:05] I coped through my section.

[57:08] Yeah, we both swallowed our grit and just, you know, pour with it.

[57:11] When you turn the lights all the way up, sometimes you don't like to see, you know.

Dan McCoy

[57:14] I kind of feel like you were portrayed as super awesome and maybe I was not cast in the same way.

[57:20] I mean, I had my shortcomings, you know.

Elliott Kalan

[57:22] Yeah, you know, he was a little too awesome in a way.

Stuart Wellington

[57:24] Yeah, there was a pyramid of babes instead of a reverse pyramid that's way more complicated.

Elliott Kalan

[57:29] And obviously I had a lot of career pressure that I was under.

[57:32] Uh-huh.

[57:33] Yeah, it's true.

[57:34] You just got to relax in a room.

[57:36] Sitting back, kicking back, yeah, relaxing.

[57:38] Maxing and relaxing, shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

[57:41] A couple of guys, that's no good.

[57:42] You're saying I'm the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

[57:46] You are the opposite of the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

[57:48] You are Carlton Banks.

Dan McCoy

[57:50] But I will smell that caddy later.

Elliott Kalan

[57:53] Yes.

[57:54] So nice work.

[57:55] I hope Josh does decide to continue that.

Dan McCoy

[57:58] Yeah, although we may have to continue it, if it does continue, on the website rather than

[58:05] reading out further installments.

[58:07] Because you're probably parched.

[58:08] Yeah.

[58:09] Yeah.

[58:10] Yeah.

[58:10] Wet that whistle, buddy.

Stuart Wellington

[58:12] What's in your whistle?

[58:13] Have some of that potato water.

[58:15] So, now what do we do?

Elliott Kalan

[58:15] So, next up is the section of the show where to prove that we are not just cynical jerks,

[58:21] we recommend movies we actually liked.

[58:23] Something that touched us, moved us, made us laugh, made us cry, made us think, made us stink.

[58:29] A movie that, for lack of a better word, we enjoyed.

Stuart Wellington

[58:35] Yeah.

[58:36] Stuart?

[58:37] Well, I'm going to reach into my Stuart Wellington vault of movies that I've seen.

[58:43] That's what...

[58:44] Three, four movies?

[58:45] Yeah, three or four movies.

[58:46] This one is The Name of the Rose, starring Sean Connery, F. Murray Abraham, Christian Slater's

[58:53] Penis, et cetera.

[58:56] It's weird that Christian Slater's penis got higher billing than Christian Slater.

Dan McCoy

[58:59] Known cash grabber, Christian Slater.

Stuart Wellington

[59:02] Ron Perlman's great in it.

[59:04] There's a whole bunch of great character actors.

Dan McCoy

[59:07] There's a fat monk who hits himself.

[59:12] A lot of great stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[59:13] You're going to beat me to that part, but that's okay.

[59:15] It's a great story.

[59:17] It was later novelized by Robert Tareko.

[59:21] Incorrect.

[59:22] Nope, and nope.

[59:23] Incorrect.

[59:24] Your chronology is quite inaccurate.

[59:26] It's a sexy murder mystery.

[59:28] It is.

[59:28] Among medieval monks.

[59:29] Among medieval monks.

[59:31] That would be a movie that hasn't been criterionized.

[59:36] I'd like to see that.

[59:37] It has a criterion collection edition.

[59:40] If anything, just stuff about the props and the casting process of finding all the weirdo-looking

[59:45] guys.

[59:49] I looked around there for a second as if they were hearing me talk about them being weirdo-looking.

Elliott Kalan

[59:53] I don't think they can hear you or are offended.

Dan McCoy

[59:56] I'd like to recommend a movie called Our Man in Havana, which is a movie directed by Carol

[1:00:03] Reed and written by Graham Greene, one of many collaborations by those two.

[1:00:09] The most famous of which, of course, is The Third Man, also the best of them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:14] They also made The Fallen Idol.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:15] Yeah.

[1:00:15] Is that right?

[1:00:16] I think there's one more, too.

[1:00:17] I can't remember what the name of it was.

[1:00:20] Oliver.

[1:00:21] Oliver.

[1:00:22] Yes.

[1:00:23] Oliver.

[1:00:23] Graham Greene's Oliver.

[1:00:25] Alfie.

[1:00:27] Neither of them made that.

[1:00:28] Our Man in Havana hasn't gotten the same attention The Third Man has gotten.

[1:00:33] It's a lesser film, but it certainly deserves more attention than I feel like it has gotten.

[1:00:38] It has a wonderful cast.

[1:00:39] It's got Al Guinness, Noel Coward, Ernie Kovacs, Burl Ives, Ralph Richardson.

[1:00:47] It's not as amazing as you would imagine from that cast, but I feel like no movie could be as amazing as you imagine from that cast.

[1:00:55] It's still pretty great.

[1:00:56] It's about Al Guinness is a vacuum cleaner salesman in Havana who is drafted, basically, into the British Secret Service by Noel Coward, basically for no reason at all.

[1:01:11] And because Al Guinness has a young daughter who loves horses, loves other things, he needs the extra money that this job brings.

[1:01:24] So he starts just making up intelligence, which of course leads to escalating problems both from the side of the British Secret Service and from the side of dire forces in Havana.

[1:01:37] And it's kind of like if The Third Man was an Ealing comedy.

[1:01:42] It has that same sort of droll humor, but as it progresses, there's also some actual emotional stakes to it, too.

[1:01:50] So that's what I recommend.

[1:01:52] Our Man in a Van, 1960.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:53] I'm going to recommend two films because that seems to be my standard these days.

[1:01:58] First, I'm going to recommend a movie that's in the theaters now, and I think you should go see it.

[1:02:02] Fast and Furious 6.

[1:02:05] But I loved the way you sang the title.

[1:02:08] I'm going to recommend a movie called Mud, starring Matthew McConaughey and a bunch of other big names and a couple of really talented child actors.

[1:02:17] It is about two kids who live in the South who, while investigating a kind of abandoned island near their riverfront homes, find a man living there, Matthew McConaughey, who calls himself Mud.

[1:02:32] And who is this kind of charismatic but obviously very down on his luck to the point of near homelessness fellow who seems to be on this mission.

[1:02:42] And the kids decide they're going to help him out with it, and they get drawn into what's basically an emotional slash crime story.

[1:02:50] But there's a lot.

[1:02:51] But it's really well made.

[1:02:52] It's got a real sense of place and a real sense of character.

[1:02:55] And the lead kid is particularly really good.

[1:02:58] And there's a lot of...

[1:03:00] It's not as harsh or as bleak as Winter's Bone, but it's almost like if you mixed Winter's Bone with, like, Tom Sawyer, you'd get something like Mud.

[1:03:08] And I really liked it a lot.

[1:03:09] More than I thought I was going to.

[1:03:10] The other movie I want to recommend also starts with the letter M, but it's not in theaters now.

[1:03:15] And it's called The Mercenary.

[1:03:18] And it's a spaghetti western from the late 60s.

[1:03:20] It reunites the Django team of director Sergio Carbucci and star Franco Nero and takes place during the Mexican Revolution of the early 20th century.

[1:03:32] And is about a...

[1:03:34] Franco Nero plays a Polish immigrant who speaks perfect English in the dubbed version of The Mercenary that I've seen.

[1:03:41] But who is great at fighting.

[1:03:44] He knows how to use guns.

[1:03:45] He knows how to use bombs.

[1:03:46] And these rebels basically hire him to do all the strategizing and things for them and help them lead their rebel band.

[1:03:54] And he insists on being paid all the time.

[1:03:57] He raises his rates depending on how hard the fighting gets.

[1:04:01] And gets mixed up with these characters.

[1:04:03] And there's betrayals and backstabbings and tight escapes and gun battles.

[1:04:09] And it's really funny in a way that a lot of spaghetti westerns aren't or try to be but don't quite get to.

[1:04:16] And it's really nice.

[1:04:17] It's kind of like a comedy pairing with Django since Django is such a bleak movie in a lot of ways.

[1:04:23] So that's The Mercenary, which I recommend.

[1:04:25] So movies that begin with M.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:28] All of them are good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:29] All of the Mud, The Mercenary, M, Mulholland Drive, My Dinner with Andre.

[1:04:36] Married to the Mob.

[1:04:37] Monster, Monster in Law, Monsters Inc.

[1:04:40] The Unreleased Monsters U.

[1:04:42] My Cousin Vinny.

[1:04:46] My Cousin Lanny.

[1:04:47] And My Cousin Ronnie.

[1:04:49] Oh, My Life is a Dog.

[1:04:51] That was right.

[1:04:51] I thought I would say, Maven.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:52] Well, we did a herald, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:55] We did.

[1:04:55] Somebody run across the stage and say,

[1:04:57] Good night.

[1:04:58] That's our first half.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:59] I think that means that for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:04] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:05:06] You said it like you're depressed that you're Stuart Wellington.

[1:05:09] I'm giving up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:10] No, come on.

[1:05:10] You've got that pyramid of babes.

[1:05:12] Don't get into it.

[1:05:13] I'm back again.

[1:05:14] Great.

[1:05:14] And the best motivator in the world, Elliot Kalin, on the drums.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:18] Good night, everyone.

[1:05:21] Bye.

[1:05:23] Is that Quanto?

[1:05:24] Is that Quanto?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:28] With his friend, Mondo Garusian.

[1:05:34] And, of course, Soda.

[1:05:37] Which is a weird Al joke.

[1:05:39] It's not even my made-up joke.

[1:05:41] There's, of course, Aluminum Can Skin Backer.

[1:05:44] And...

[1:05:44] Jabba the Black.

[1:05:46] Uncle Lars Ulrich.

[1:05:48] Mm-hmm.

[1:05:49] Yep.

[1:05:50] There's Flop of the Butt.

[1:05:52] And, of course, let's not forget Fart Hater.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:01] And Princess Ralea.

[1:06:03] Okay, now do Lando Kalinrisi.

[1:06:06] I did already.

[1:06:06] He's Mondo Garusian.

[1:06:08] Okay, now do Dengar.

[1:06:12] Dengar.

[1:06:13] Oh, yeah, that's a guy.

[1:06:14] Do Dr. Evazan.

[1:06:15] Mitt.

[1:06:16] And Banda Baba.

[1:06:18] That's...

The Flop House: Episode #127 - Safe Haven

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