The Flop House Movie Minute - LIVE SHOW EXCERPT

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[0:00] Hey everyone, we're temporarily resurrecting the Movie Minute to bring you this segment

[0:04] from our Jaws the Revenge live show.

[0:07] One warning, the sound is pretty rough for the first 30 or 40 seconds, but it gets a

[0:13] lot better after that.

[0:15] Enjoy!

[0:16] Michael Caine once explained his participation in Jaws the Revenge by writing,

[0:25] I have never seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible.

[0:30] However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific.

Elliott Kalan

[0:34] It's coming.

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[0:38] Which is amazing.

[0:40] As far as I'm concerned, one of the best things about British actors is their total lack of

[0:43] shame about doing something for the money.

[0:46] However, Jaws the Revenge is not the only questionable choice on Mr. Caine's, let's say, patchy

[0:51] resume.

[0:52] As some of you know, a few years back, Sir Michael Caine and I both touched a golden

[0:57] skull while peeing in the same fountain, giving us the ability to swap bodies.

[1:02] Up until this evening, that ability has only inspired wacky misadventures, but tonight,

[1:08] through our psychic link, we'll allow Elliot to interview the noted thespian to see what

[1:14] Michael Caine could possibly have been purchasing to justify his four choices.

[1:18] Now Elliot, let me just get a second to establish a link with Michael Caine.

[1:23] Take your time.

[1:24] Here may be game.

[1:29] I'm speaking to Michael Caine right now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:33] Yes, that is correct.

[1:35] All right.

[1:36] Can you explain to us Erwin Allen's upside-down boat sequel, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure?

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[1:41] Beyond the Poseidon Adventure.

[1:43] That was a tough shoot, so after it wrapped, I thought, I am going to treat myself.

[1:49] I am going to blow it all on the most deputed meal known to man.

[1:54] So I went out and I ordered the most expensive thing I could find.

[1:58] A Fabergé egg omelet.

[2:00] It cost $17.5 million dollars.

[2:04] $17 million for the eggs.

[2:06] Half a million for the multiple surgeries to repair the internal bleeding caused by ingesting

[2:12] jewels, enamel, and precious metals.

[2:15] But you can recoup some of your investment if you're willing to sift through your own stool.

[2:20] So that was, you may proceed.

Elliott Kalan

[2:24] Thank you.

[2:25] Uh, hoping it's not related to stool in any way.

[2:29] Uh, Erwin Allen's other film that you worked with, with him on, uh, the killer bee disaster

[2:33] picture, The Swore.

[2:34] Ah, yes.

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[2:35] I wanted to get into investing, but I wanted to wait until the time was right.

[2:40] So eventually I took all the money from that bee picture and I put it into Jerry Seinfeld's

[2:46] film, A Bee Movie.

[2:48] I was certain based on the pun of the title and the hysterical tagline, Honey Just Got

[2:55] Funny, the film would be a tremendous hit.

[3:00] But instead I lost several millions.

[3:03] So.

[3:04] I'm sorry to hear that.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] Uh, what about the Shakespeare meets Garden Gnome romp, Gnomeo and Juliet?

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[3:09] Gnomeo, Gnomeo and Juliet.

[3:12] Well, have you ever heard that to properly pronounce my name with my own accent?

[3:17] Gnomeo and Juliet.

[3:18] All you have to do is say the words, My Cocaine.

[3:22] You can try this experiment.

[3:23] My Cocaine.

[3:24] Yeah.

[3:25] Well, uh, circa the making of that gnome thing.

[3:26] Circa?

[3:27] Circa.

[3:28] I was engaged in an experiment of my own wherein I took so much cocaine I could not say my own

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] name.

[3:40] So in that instance the money went up here.

[3:42] Oh, okay.

[3:43] Uh, what about the Steven Seagal vehicle on deadly ground?

[3:49] Are you familiar with SkyMall?

[3:52] Yes, very much so.

[3:53] I bought one of those.

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[3:54] During the flight from Alaska from my home in Surrey, I decided to purchase every single

[4:05] SkyMall product.

[4:06] Uh, in alphabetical order from Hamaker Schlimmer's Aardvark Escalator, which allows elderly pet

[4:13] Aardvarks to access your bed without having to jump.

[4:19] To ZZZ, ZZZ Tough, which is a two CD set of ZZZ Tough in songs, re-recorded as instrumentals designed

[4:30] to put babies to sleep.

[4:32] So the first three Z's in the title indicate the snoring.

[4:35] It's for sleeping.

[4:36] Snoring, yeah.

[4:37] Z's.

[4:38] It's a nice touch.

Elliott Kalan

[4:40] Uh, what about the Jim Belushi vehicle, Mr. Destiny?

[4:47] Again, I must ask, are you familiar with SkyMall?

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[4:51] Yes.

[4:52] Consider us all familiar with the...

[4:55] I also bought one of those, which is not the catalogue, I purchased an actual mall in

[5:00] the sky, which plummeted to earth almost immediately, losing my entire investment.

[5:07] It actually cost me additional money in lawsuits from victims crushed by Orange Julius debris.

[5:13] Uh, looking back on it, I have no idea why I thought a giant collection of stores would

[5:19] float.

[5:20] The premise is absurd on its face.

Elliott Kalan

[5:21] It is that.

[5:22] That is true.

[5:23] Uh, what about the Alan Alda vehicle, Sweet Liberty?

[5:26] Oh yes.

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[5:27] Well, I used the money from that film to procure a giant 42-foot fan which I installed on my

[5:35] property to remove the seeds from dandelions.

[5:37] Now, I have terrible dandelion allergies, so I wanted to disperse the detritus away from

[5:44] my sensitive nasal passages.

[5:46] But unfortunately, the high winds created by that fan destroyed the house I purchased with

[5:52] my Jaws money.

[5:53] Oh, that's so funny.

[5:54] It blew it right over when it was only supposed to blow the bunny spores off!

Elliott Kalan

[5:58] Woo!

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[5:59] I took you down the garden path and around again for very little payoff.

Elliott Kalan

[6:07] It was like a shaggy dog story with a bald dead dog at the end.

[6:14] Uh, and lastly, if you could explain for us your reasons for shooting the film, blame

[6:18] it on Rio.

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[6:19] You mean the picture in which at the age of 51 I got to fly to Rio and pretend to fuck

[6:25] a frequently topless 19-year-old girl.

[6:28] I paid them to make that movie.

[6:30] Thank you very much for joining us, Mike.

[6:32] Thank you.

[6:33] Thank you.

The Flop House Movie Minute - LIVE SHOW EXCERPT

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