The Flop House Movie Minute - LIVE SHOW EXCERPT

[0:00] Hey everyone, we're temporarily resurrecting the movie minute to bring you this segment

[0:04] from our Jaws the Revenge live show.

[0:07] One warning, the sound is pretty rough for the first 30 or 40 seconds, but it gets a

[0:13] lot better after that.

[0:15] Enjoy.

[0:16] Michael Caine once explained his participation in Jaws the Revenge by writing, I have never

[0:25] seen it, but by all accounts it is terrible, however I have seen the house that it built

[0:32] and it is terrific.

[0:37] It's coming.

[0:38] Which is amazing.

[0:39] As far as I'm concerned, one of the best things about British actors is their total lack of

[0:43] shame about doing something for the money.

[0:46] However Jaws the Revenge is not the only questionable choice on Mr. Caine's, let's say patchy, resume.

[0:53] As some of you know, a few years back, Sir Michael Caine and I both touched a golden

[0:57] skull while peeing in the same fountain, giving us the ability to swap bodies.

[1:03] Up until this evening, that ability has only inspired wacky misadventures, but tonight,

[1:08] through our psychic link, we'll allow Elliot to interview the noted thespian to see what

[1:14] Michael Caine could possibly have been purchasing to justify his poor choices.

[1:18] Now Elliot, let me just get a second to establish a link with Michael Caine.

[1:23] Take your time.

[1:27] You may begin.

[1:32] I'm speaking to Michael Caine right now?

[1:34] Yes, that is correct.

[1:35] Alright.

[1:36] Can you explain to us Irwin Allen's Upside Down boat sequel, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure?

[1:42] Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, that was a tough shoot.

[1:45] So after it wrapped, I thought, I am going to treat myself.

[1:49] I'm going to blow it all on the most deputant meal known to man.

[1:53] So I went out and I ordered the most expensive thing I could find, a Fabergé egg omelette.

[2:00] It cost seventeen and a half million dollars, seventeen million for the eggs, half a million

[2:07] for the multiple surgeries to repair the internal bleeding caused by ingesting jewels, enamel

[2:13] and precious metals.

[2:15] But you can recoup some of your investment if you're willing to sift through your own stool.

[2:20] So that was, you may proceed.

[2:24] Thank you.

[2:26] Hoping it's not related to stool in any way, Irwin Allen's other film that you worked with

[2:31] with him on, the killer bee disaster picture, The Swarm.

[2:34] Ah, yes.

[2:35] I wanted to get into investing, but I wanted to wait until the time was right.

[2:40] So eventually I took all the money from that bee picture and I put it into Jerry Seinfeld's

[2:46] film, A Bee Movie.

[2:49] I was certain based on the pun of the title and the hysterical tagline, Honey Just Got Funny,

[2:57] the film would be a tremendous hit.

[3:00] But instead I lost several million.

[3:03] I'm sorry to hear that.

[3:05] What about the Shakespeare meets Garden Gnome romp, Gnomeo and Juliet?

[3:10] Gnomeo and Juliet.

[3:12] Well, have you ever heard that to properly pronounce my name with my own accent,

[3:17] all you have to do is say the words, my cocaine.

[3:23] You can try this experiment.

[3:24] My cocaine.

[3:26] Well, circa the making of that gnome thing.

[3:29] Circa?

[3:31] Circa.

[3:32] I was engaged in an experiment of my own wherein I took so much cocaine, I could not say my own name.

[3:40] So in that instance, the money went up here.

[3:43] Oh, okay.

[3:45] What about the Steven Seagal vehicle on Deadly Ground?

[3:49] Are you familiar with SkyMall?

[3:52] Yes, very much so.

[3:54] I bought one of those.

[3:58] During the flight from Alaska, from my home in Surrey,

[4:01] I decided to purchase every single SkyMall product.

[4:06] In alphabetical order, from Hamaker Schlimmer's Aardvark Escalator,

[4:12] which allows elderly pet aardvarks to access your bed without having to jump,

[4:18] to ZZZ, ZZ Top,

[4:22] which is a two CD set of ZZ Top hit songs,

[4:27] re-recorded as instrumentals designed to put babies to sleep.

[4:32] The first three Z's in the title indicate snoring.

[4:35] For sleeping.

[4:36] Snoring, yeah.

[4:38] Z's.

[4:39] That's a nice touch.

[4:43] What about the Jim Belushi vehicle, Mr. Destiny?

[4:47] Again, I must ask, are you familiar with SkyMall?

[4:51] Yes.

[4:52] Consider us all familiar with the Mr. Destiny.

[4:55] I also bought one of those, which is not the catalogue.

[4:58] I purchased an actual mall in the sky,

[5:01] which plummeted to earth almost immediately,

[5:05] losing my entire investment.

[5:08] It actually cost me additional money in lawsuits from victims crushed by Orange Julius debris.

[5:14] Looking back on it, I have no idea why I bought a giant collection of stores of wood flooring.

[5:19] The premise is absurd on its face.

[5:21] It is that. That is true.

[5:24] What about the Alan Alda vehicle, Sweet Liberty?

[5:26] I guess.

[5:27] I used the money from that film to procure a giant 42-foot fan,

[5:33] which I installed on my property to remove the seeds from dandelions.

[5:38] I have terrible dandelion allergies,

[5:41] so I wanted to disperse the detritus away from my sensitive nasal passages.

[5:46] But unfortunately, the high winds created by that fan destroyed the house I purchased with my jars of money.

[5:52] Oh, that's terrible.

[5:53] It blew it right over when it was only supposed to blow the bloody spores off.

[6:00] I took you down the garden path and around again for very little payoff.

[6:08] That was like a shaggy dog story with a bald dead dog at the end.

[6:13] And lastly, if you could explain for us your reasons for shooting the film Blame It on Rio.

[6:19] Oh, you mean the picture in which, at the age of 51,

[6:22] I got to fly to Rio and pretend to fuck a frequently topless 19-year-old girl.

[6:27] I paid them to make that movie.

[6:30] Thank you very much for joining us, Mike James.

The Flop House Movie Minute - LIVE SHOW EXCERPT

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