The Flop House: Episode #129 - A Good Day to Die Hard

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Old cops never die hard, they just fade away.

[0:03] In this episode, we discuss a good day to die hard.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:36] So guys, how you been?

[0:38] No, you gotta say your name.

[0:39] No, no.

[0:40] What a day I've had.

[0:42] No, who are you?

[0:44] Wait a minute, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] There we go, and right over here, who am I?

[0:49] Elliot Kalin, your humble narrator.

[0:51] How you guys doing?

[0:52] Stuart, Dan, and Elliot sat down to record tonight's podcast.

[0:55] Oh boy.

[0:56] There was an eerie mystery in the air.

[0:58] The mystery of the punctured clock.

[1:00] I don't know.

[1:01] With clues that would take them all the way to the dreary docks.

[1:05] Where old man McBarnacle would tell them the story of the mystery of the random rock.

[1:12] It would take them all the way to City Hall for the mystery of the missing file.

[1:18] Oh man.

[1:18] Where they would talk to Mayor McCheese for the mystery of the high cholesterol.

Dan McCoy

[1:24] Somebody call Alfred Hitchcock's The Three Investigators, am I right, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[1:28] Nope.

[1:29] Okay.

[1:30] The mystery of the lame reference.

[1:33] A Dan McCleary mystery.

Stuart Wellington

[1:37] Case closed.

[1:38] So, as you were saying.

[1:41] This is the Flophouse.

[1:42] We talk about mysteries?

[1:44] No.

[1:45] Tonight the mystery is a movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:46] What happened to the Die Hard franchise?

[1:49] Because this is a bad movie podcast.

[1:52] And tonight we watched A Good Day to Die Hard.

[1:54] What does that mean?

[1:54] A bad movie podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] What's a bad movie?

[1:56] What's a podcast?

[1:56] Do we make a bad movie every episode?

[1:59] Bad poop?

[2:00] Is that what you were going to say?

[2:01] It was not what I was going to say.

[2:02] I was going to tell you for a while for misspeaking.

[2:04] Ah!

[2:05] Hoist on my own petard.

[2:06] It happens so infrequently.

[2:08] And I'm sure I said the hoist petard phrase wrong, so everyone can correct me on that, too.

Dan McCoy

[2:12] No, this is a movie where we all watch a bad movie together.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] It's a movie where we do that?

[2:17] God damn it.

[2:18] This is a podcast.

[2:19] Turnabout is fair play.

[2:20] Where we watch a movie together, a bad one probably, and then we talk about it afterwards.

[2:25] And we saw another bad one tonight.

[2:27] Our record, I think, is two and four hundred, I think, on movies we liked and bad ones.

[2:32] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] I thought it was three.

[2:34] I thought we liked Journey to the Mysterious Island.

Elliott Kalan

[2:37] Oh, well, Bratz was the other one I mentioned.

[2:39] Yep, and Sto-Olin.

[2:40] Oh, and Sto-Olin was pretty fun, actually, yeah.

[2:43] So, yeah, we watched...

[2:45] And you know what?

[2:45] 12 Rounds has its moments.

Dan McCoy

[2:46] 10,000 BC.

[2:47] Terrible.

[2:48] The worst.

Stuart Wellington

[2:48] Seven pounds.

[2:49] No good.

Dan McCoy

[2:50] Nah, bad.

[2:51] Bad stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[2:51] A good day to die hard.

[2:52] We'll get to that.

[2:53] We're about to find out.

Dan McCoy

[2:55] Dan, what movie did we watch tonight?

[2:57] This is the latest in the Chronicles of John McClane.

[3:00] Yep.

[3:01] The McClaneicles.

[3:03] So, you may recall John McClane from Die Hard.

[3:06] You may also recall him from Die Hard 2, Die Harder.

[3:10] There's...

[3:10] Die Harder with a Vengeance.

[3:11] Number three, Die Harder with a Vengeance.

[3:13] And then there's a...

[3:14] What was it?

[3:15] Live Free or Die Hard is number four.

[3:16] A movie based on a license plate.

[3:20] And so this is a good day to die hard.

[3:23] But it was actually a bad day to watch a movie.

[3:26] Boy.

[3:27] And boy howdy.

[3:28] Thank you, Gene Shalit.

Elliott Kalan

[3:30] Yeah, that's the kind of thing you would say if you reviewed this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[3:33] This is a regular Under Siege set in Russia.

[3:37] Thanks.

[3:38] John McClane is your typical Casey Ryback character.

Elliott Kalan

[3:41] It's like Speed on a Russia.

[3:45] Yeah.

[3:45] It's like M. Night Shyamalan's Devil.

[3:48] But they're all in a Russia.

[3:50] You mean Hellivator?

[3:51] You mean...

[3:52] It should have been called Hellivator.

[3:52] Devil in a Blue Russia?

[3:54] Yes, starring Denzel Washington.

[3:56] So...

[3:56] Is that the one where he's fighting a demon?

[3:58] No.

[3:59] That's Ascension, I think it's called.

[4:01] No, it's Fallen.

[4:02] Fallen.

[4:02] Look, I knew it was about vertical movement.

[4:04] Mm-hmm.

[4:05] About the demon that can jump from body to body.

[4:07] Similar to a Hellivator.

[4:09] It sings a Rolling Stones song all the time.

[4:10] Yeah.

[4:11] Devil in a Blue Dress was a period mystery.

[4:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:14] Based on the Walter Mosley series of Easy Rollins novels.

Elliott Kalan

[4:17] The mystery was, what's a period?

[4:19] And Denzel Washington sat down with his mom and his mom explained it to him.

[4:22] Yeah.

[4:22] Very embarrassing.

[4:23] Very awkward.

[4:25] It's kind of like a comma.

[4:27] So, Daniel.

[4:29] So, should we say what happens in this movie?

[4:31] Probably not.

[4:31] A good day to fly Bart?

[4:33] Probably not, indeed.

[4:34] Probably not, indeed.

[4:36] Oh, boy.

[4:37] A good day to die hard.

[4:38] We open in Moscow, Russia, where a corrupt Russian official is incriminating a political

[4:44] prisoner named Komarov, who is some sort of...

[4:47] Billy Connolly impersonator or something.

[4:50] Not at all.

[4:51] He's just a guy with a beard.

[4:53] Not everyone with a beard is a Billy Connolly impersonator.

[4:56] That's why around Christmas you think Billy Connolly's flooding the streets for goodwill.

[5:00] No, they're Santa's helpers.

[5:01] No.

[5:02] Not Billy Connolly's helpers.

Stuart Wellington

[5:04] Because I'm always asking him for head of the class trivia.

[5:07] Sure.

[5:08] What's Arvid really like?

Elliott Kalan

[5:09] Tell me what it was like to make Fido.

[5:11] What was it like to be robbed of your greatest gift?

[5:14] Your talkativeness, you know.

[5:16] Sure.

[5:17] Anyway.

[5:17] And so forth.

[5:19] This guy Komarov's going to get an unfair trial, but he's offered by Chagarin, the other

[5:26] guy.

[5:26] He says, if you hand over a secret file, I'll let you go.

[5:31] Bum, bum, bum.

[5:31] What's in this file?

[5:33] We don't know.

[5:33] Smash cut.

[5:34] We're in New York where Jack McClain.

[5:36] No, no.

[5:36] John McClain.

[5:37] John McClain.

[5:38] Jesus Christ.

[5:39] Come on.

[5:39] We've seen something before this.

[5:40] America's hero, John McClain.

[5:42] No, no.

[5:42] Jack McClain, John McClain's son, walks into a nightclub and shoots somebody.

[5:46] Yeah.

[5:47] And says that Komarov was involved or something.

[5:49] Meanwhile, John McClain, NYPD cop turned part-time superhero, full-time dad, except not.

[5:55] It turns out he's not a good dad.

[5:56] Is in a shooting range where a friend of his, I guess, tells him that his son, Jack McClain,

[6:02] is in Russia on trial for murder.

[6:03] Where?

[6:04] And he should go get him, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[6:06] Where Officer Exposition shows up with a file.

[6:10] Exposito.

Stuart Wellington

[6:10] And a plane ticket, probably.

[6:12] Yeah.

[6:13] Or, I don't know, a train pass?

[6:15] It's hard to take a train to Russia from New York.

[6:18] If it was the World of Total Recall, the remake, it still probably wouldn't happen.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] The Corvator, yeah.

[6:24] From the colonies and the Empire, England.

[6:28] I don't get that part.

[6:29] Anyway, he goes to Russia where he meets a friendly cab driver who sings a little bit

[6:34] to him in the best and only enjoyable scene in the movie for the most part.

[6:39] It made me realize, more than an action movie, I think I would have liked to have seen a

[6:43] movie about Bruce Willis as an aging American cop, literally on vacation in Russia, just

[6:50] interacting with Russians and kind of getting mixed up.

[6:53] Sort of a real before sunset type.

[6:56] Yeah, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] Like a reverse Moscow on the Hudson kind of deal.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Yeah, Hudson on the Moscow.

[7:00] Yep.

[7:01] The exact opposite.

[7:02] He goes to Russia to start his own police force.

[7:05] He defects and there's hilarious mishaps because he's a lovable old New York character.

Dan McCoy

[7:10] Oh, that sounds pretty good.

[7:11] Like a police academy goes to Moscow.

Elliott Kalan

[7:13] Yeah, they did that though.

[7:14] It was called Mission to Moscow.

[7:15] Oh, wait a minute.

[7:16] Was it Moscow Nights?

[7:17] No, it wasn't Moscow Nights.

[7:18] Was it White Nights?

[7:19] No, and it was not many in Moscow, it's either.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] Was it Knight Riders, George Romero's retelling of the Arthurian legend on motorcycles?

Elliott Kalan

[7:26] No, it was not that.

[7:27] Okay.

[7:28] Neither was it Night in the City.

[7:29] It was weird that I asked you whether it was that thing.

[7:32] Since you knew what it was.

[7:33] I told you what the plot of that was.

[7:34] And it wasn't First Night with Sean Connery.

[7:36] It wasn't Dragon Night.

[7:37] All right.

[7:40] None of those things.

[7:40] So we know what it wasn't.

Dan McCoy

[7:41] Tales from the Crips, Demon Night.

[7:43] It was not.

[7:44] Neither was it Wardello of Blood.

[7:45] See, we're like the carver who chips away everything in the marble that's not an elephant.

[7:50] You know?

[7:51] We're telling you what good days they are.

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] Why is there an elephant inside that marble?

[7:54] What madman is encasing elephants in marble?

[7:56] Killing them.

[7:56] First off, they're called manics.

[7:58] No, those are mammoths, not elephants.

[8:01] Like, the one thing we remember about 10,000 BC is what they call mammoths in it.

[8:07] You're going to need to draw me a sketch on that piece of paper that's in front of you.

[8:11] No, it's necessary for later.

[8:12] Anyway, John McClane goes to Russia.

[8:14] He goes to the courthouse where his son is about to go on trial.

[8:16] His son's going to turn state's evidence to get off the charges against this guy, Komarov.

[8:24] But, uh-oh, there's a terrorist attack on the courthouse.

[8:27] It seems like dozens of people are killed.

[8:29] They're going to try to kidnap Komarov and Jack McClane, but they've already escaped.

[8:34] And John McClane's like, not again.

[8:36] Not again.

[8:37] And he keeps saying, I'm on my vacation.

[8:39] Which he's not.

[8:40] He went there expressly to get his son who's mixed up with some sort of criminal stuff.

[8:44] He's probably using vacation days to do it.

[8:46] I would think so, but that doesn't make it a vacation.

[8:48] It's a working vacation, let's say.

Dan McCoy

[8:49] Yeah.

[8:50] He wasn't going to relax in sunny Russia.

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] It's the same way, like, if you took vacation days off to take care of, like, a sick parent,

[8:56] you wouldn't be like, oh, it's my vacation.

[8:59] Yeah.

[8:59] Like, you have a purpose that you're doing.

Stuart Wellington

[9:00] Shut up about your ventilator, Dad.

[9:02] It's like if Richard Grieco...

[9:03] I'm on a break.

[9:05] It's like if Richard Grieco and If Looks Could Kill kept calling that a vacation, when

[9:08] in fact, he was on a school trip, right?

[9:10] Exactly.

[9:11] Well, it was kind of a school vacation.

Elliott Kalan

[9:14] Man, what if we watched If Looks Could Kill?

Dan McCoy

[9:16] The point is, Linda Hunt had a necklace that was a whip.

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] And there were x-ray glasses that could see through ladies' clothes.

[9:22] Yeah.

[9:23] Sure.

[9:23] And one of those ladies whose clothes he got seen through gets shot by a missile launcher

[9:28] and is totally roasted.

Dan McCoy

[9:30] A movie built for 13-year-old boys.

[9:33] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[9:33] And speaking of which, A Good Day to Die Hard.

[9:36] Starring a 30-year-old teenager played by Richard Grieco.

[9:39] Not actually Greek.

[9:41] Now, there...

[9:42] Not actually Richard.

[9:43] John McClane is running around and he runs into his son and he says, Jack.

[9:47] And Jack's like, Dad?

[9:49] And he's like, get away from here.

[9:51] And John McClane's like, what are you doing with your life?

[9:53] I'm here to save you.

[9:54] And he's like, I don't need you.

[9:55] Blah, blah, blah.

[9:56] They get into a big...

[9:57] And he points a gun at his dad.

[9:58] He points a gun at his dad and says, Dad, back off.

[10:00] He drives away with Komarov, the bearded old man.

[10:03] Mm-hmm.

[10:04] So they're in a truck.

[10:05] Jack McClane and Komarov being chased by the bad guys in some kind of military megaforce

[10:10] super truck.

[10:11] And then behind that is John McClane in a series of vehicles that he steals from people.

[10:15] Yeah.

[10:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:16] He like punches out a civilian at one point.

[10:18] Yeah.

[10:18] Who's like angry at him because he's crashed into his car or something.

[10:23] And he's talking in Russian.

[10:24] And John McClane's just like, I don't understand you.

[10:27] And punches him and takes his car.

[10:28] All caught on dashboard cam.

Elliott Kalan

[10:30] If this was a satire, it would be a trenchant one about how America deals with the rest of

[10:34] the world.

[10:34] Yeah.

[10:35] I don't understand you.

[10:35] Punch to the face.

[10:37] Instead, it's this dumb, stupid, diehard movie.

Dan McCoy

[10:39] Yeah.

[10:39] It's the part that is clearly in there for the audience to cheer.

[10:42] Like, yeah, hit that rooski.

Elliott Kalan

[10:43] Take that, commie.

[10:45] There's so much of this movie that would have...

Stuart Wellington

[10:47] Stick that hammer and signal up your tuchus.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] Oh, is a Jewish guy saying this?

[10:50] Yeah.

[10:51] There's so much in this movie that would have made sense if the movie was made in 1987.

[10:55] Like, if this was an Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know...

Stuart Wellington

[10:59] Dolph Lundgren buddy comedy.

[11:01] Dolph on the game type movie, yeah.

[11:01] Or Dolph Lundgren plays Arnold Schwarzenegger's son.

[11:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] Even though they're roughly the same age.

[11:07] Really?

[11:07] I mean, Arnold Schwarzenegger's not that much older than Dolph Lundgren.

[11:09] But Dolph Lundgren hasn't aged at all.

[11:11] He looks great now, right?

[11:12] He's aged very poorly.

[11:13] Now, so they get on this long car chase that takes about 100 minutes.

[11:17] And they smash a billion cars.

[11:21] Russia is just...

[11:22] Moscow is laid waste.

[11:23] They're destroying the streets.

[11:24] Cars are crashing for no reason.

[11:26] They're jumping off of overpasses onto cars.

[11:29] It's...

Stuart Wellington

[11:29] Not a single police officer or agent of the government in sight.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] No, not the whole time.

[11:33] You would think that Russia was just this lawless wasteland.

[11:37] That you might...

[11:38] Moscow might as well be barter town for the amount of law that comes in.

Stuart Wellington

[11:41] Yeah, it feels like they decided to set this movie in Moscow because they couldn't think

[11:45] of a crime-riddled or, like, lawless, yet super-populated city in America.

[11:51] They decided to do it in.

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] Yeah.

[11:52] It was...

[11:52] Yeah, they could...

[11:52] Like, Detroit's not quite bad enough yet.

[11:54] Well, Detroit's a very wasteland now, right?

[11:57] Yeah, that's true.

Dan McCoy

[11:57] Yeah, we gotta wait till Robocop era to...

Elliott Kalan

[11:59] Yeah, that's true.

[12:00] What if we were watching Robocop?

[12:02] Wouldn't that have been great tonight?

[12:04] Why can I not remember the place where Wolverine would go, where he was Patch?

[12:08] Madripoor?

[12:08] Madripoor.

[12:09] So it's like if they went to...

[12:10] They were like, Madripoor doesn't exist, a place where the only local industry is crime,

[12:15] so I guess we'll go to Moscow instead.

[12:17] Anyway, I'm glad you remembered Madripoor.

[12:20] So eventually, John McClane catches up with them after leading everyone on a merry chase,

[12:26] and it turns out that Jack McClane, his son, not the criminal that John McClane feared

[12:32] he was.

[12:32] He's actually an undercover CIA officer who has been working with his partner, Cole Hauser,

[12:39] to get...

[12:39] For, like, two seconds.

[12:40] Well, to get Komarov out, because Komarov has this magic file that everybody wants.

[12:45] This, like, with some kind of secret information that apparently will either give them the goods

[12:49] on the bad guy in the government, or it'll help them find nuclear missiles or something.

[12:53] Project MacGuffin.

[12:54] Yeah, it is very much Project MacGuffin.

[12:57] Unfortunately, they're...

[12:58] Not Project X?

[12:59] No, there's no chimps in this movie.

[13:01] Oh, what a shame.

[13:02] Or a party thrown at a house by high schoolers.

Dan McCoy

[13:05] Or chimps throwing a party at a house.

[13:07] Now we're talking.

[13:08] When the chimp parents are out of town.

Elliott Kalan

[13:09] We call it Project X Squared.

[13:11] That's the sequel.

[13:13] Hollywood, get on it.

[13:14] No, Hollywood, pay us money and we'll get on it.

[13:16] $700,000, please.

[13:18] It's the going rate for our scripts.

[13:19] Yeah, we have an infrastructure set up for making that kind of a movie.

[13:23] An infrastructure, yeah.

[13:26] We'll just put it under our house cat production's stamp.

[13:28] Yeah, we are a corporation now.

[13:30] Anyway, people don't know about that.

[13:31] But anyway, their CIA safe house is breached and attacked by the bad guys.

[13:37] Cole Hauser is shot in the forehead.

Stuart Wellington

[13:38] Totally destroyed.

[13:39] Just in time.

[13:40] The first time a bad guy shoots a good guy in the entire, well, only time, spoiler alert,

[13:44] in the entire movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] I wish that Cole Hauser had then gotten up with a bullet in his head, put his hand out,

[13:50] the director put a check in his hand, and then Cole Hauser walked off the set.

[13:54] Sort of a better movie if that happened.

[13:55] Bruce Willis and his son are running around just dodging stuff.

[14:00] And Bruce Willis picks up a gun, shoots like 30 guys.

[14:03] They just keep running into his bullet stream.

[14:05] Yeah.

[14:06] And Komarov, the guy they're trying to protect, who the CIA want to bring out of the country

[14:10] because he knows where this magic dossier is that has MacGuffin stuff in it, he gets

[14:15] shot in the arm.

[14:16] And let me tell you, this movie could have used a real shot in the arm.

[14:19] Yeah, thank you.

[14:20] Anyway.

[14:21] Count it.

[14:22] Count it, guys.

[14:23] Anyway.

[14:23] Put on your abacus.

[14:24] They escape and they-

[14:25] Put that in the bank?

[14:26] And Komarov calls his daughter and he says, I'm not leaving to go to America unless my

[14:31] daughter comes with me.

[14:32] And it's like, all right.

[14:33] And after you see that daughter, you understand, right?

[14:35] You understand, because va-va-voom, she's a Russian bombshell.

[14:40] She's a regular-

[14:41] Is that a phrase?

[14:41] She's a regular Bebovich.

[14:45] Hotski Bebovich.

[14:46] Now, the problem is when we see her, they meet her up with her at this abandoned ballroom

[14:53] in a hotel or something.

[14:54] And we recognize her.

[14:56] She was involved with the bad guys in the beginning, but the good guys don't know that.

[15:01] She comes over.

[15:02] She says, where's the file?

[15:03] And he goes, I've got the key to the file here.

[15:07] He's hidden it behind a radiator in this ballroom.

[15:09] And Bruce Willis knows something's up.

[15:11] And he's like, hey, hold on a second.

[15:12] There's a lot of traffic in Moscow.

[15:14] This is something you learned earlier.

[15:15] How'd you break it so fast?

[15:16] An hour ago from this cab driver who sang to me.

[15:20] This cab driver who sang Frank Sinatra songs to me in the only good scene in the movie.

[15:24] And she's like, uh, uh, uh.

[15:26] Suddenly, bad guys show up.

[15:27] Turns out, the daughter is in cahoots.

[15:30] And she puts a gun to her own father's head.

[15:33] Totally a big surprise, right?

[15:35] And he's like, why are you doing this?

[15:36] And she goes, for millions of dollars or something.

[15:40] Now, John McClane and Jack McClane-

Dan McCoy

[15:41] Because I'm a hot lady.

[15:42] I'm a hot Russian lady.

[15:43] That means I'm a villain.

[15:45] Treacherous.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] John McClane and Jack-

[15:46] Yeah, she's basically the Baroness from G.I. Joe.

Dan McCoy

[15:48] Yep.

[15:49] Or, uh, Natasha from, uh, from Rocky and Bullwinkle.

Elliott Kalan

[15:53] Uh, she's a little sexier than Natasha.

[15:55] She's basically-

Dan McCoy

[15:56] Uh, I don't know.

[15:56] I don't know, Elliot.

[15:57] She's basically-

[15:58] You're saying she's sexier than Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle?

[16:01] This is a weird fetish I never knew you had.

[16:03] I do not know.

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] It's two-dimensional, uh, weird-looking Russian spy fetish.

Dan McCoy

[16:08] Very modern cartooning style.

Elliott Kalan

[16:10] Yeah, I don't know.

[16:11] Uh, she's Xenia on a top from Goldeneye, basically.

[16:14] Now, uh, she- it turns out John McClane and Jack McClane have some daddy issues, father-son issues.

[16:20] Sure.

[16:20] John McClane was never there for his son.

[16:22] This seems to be the root of their problem is that he was working too much when Jack was growing up, which is weird since earlier we see John McClane's daughter drive him to the airport to go to Russia, and they seem to have a great relationship.

[16:34] Did they patch it up in the last movie?

[16:36] Yeah, that was what the- that was what, uh, what he-

Stuart Wellington

[16:38] Once again, he was working too much, and then he saved her from terrorists, and then they're a good family again.

[16:43] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[16:44] So that's all- if you're a deadbeat dad, that's all you have to do is save your child from terrorists.

[16:48] Just kill, like, a shitload of dudes.

[16:49] Yeah.

[16:50] Does Kevin Smith die in that?

[16:51] Well, I mean, like, they gotta be- they specifically have to be terrorists.

[16:54] They have to be terrorists.

[16:55] Stuart, you can't just kill-

[16:56] You can't just go on a murder spree.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] There are- there are deadbeat dads who have tried to make it good by just killing a bunch of random people, and that does not work.

Stuart Wellington

[17:03] Sounds like the first episode of Hannibal, am I right?

[17:05] No, that doesn't-

Elliott Kalan

[17:05] Hey-oh!

[17:06] Good one.

[17:07] High five.

[17:08] Topical reference.

[17:09] Very much like the first episode of Hannibal.

[17:11] A show about a cannibal.

[17:14] Not a cannibal, but so much more.

[17:16] I like to imagine there's a scene where Hannibal is pushing his shopping cart through the grocery store, and he sees on the shelf a man-witch, and he goes, if only.

[17:26] If only you lived up to the name.

Stuart Wellington

[17:29] That's for season two when it's scripted by the Dexter writing to you.

[17:32] Yeah.

[17:33] When he starts complaining about his dark passenger.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] I thought you were going to say he goes through, and he's got a bunch of vegetables in his cart, and one of the people there is like, oh, what are you making?

[17:45] He's like, oh, I'm going to make a bolignese sauce.

[17:47] He's like, well, he needs a meat for that.

[17:49] He's like, I'll get my meat somewhere else.

Elliott Kalan

[17:52] And then he's-

[17:53] And he winks at the camera.

[17:54] He hits that person with a crowbar.

[17:55] Yep.

[17:56] And puts them in his cart.

[17:58] Yeah.

[17:58] But here's another idea for a promo for Hannibal.

[17:59] And they scan him.

[18:00] Hannibal is pushing, and it comes up, human meat.

[18:04] A dollar forty a pound, which is a great price.

Stuart Wellington

[18:07] Are you saving this?

[18:08] Yeah.

[18:08] You better save this and send it to NBC.

[18:09] Because NBC is going to steal it.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] The National Bramcasting Organization is going to steal it.

Dan McCoy

[18:14] I'm going to take this podcast, I'm going to put it in a postmarked envelope, and I'm going to mail it to myself.

[18:19] That's a good idea.

Elliott Kalan

[18:20] That's a good idea.

[18:21] And then it's like you got a present from an admirer.

[18:25] You open it up in the office.

[18:25] Seal it with a kiss.

[18:27] You open it up in the office, and it's a letter to you from you with, like, lipstick kisses all over, and you've sprayed perfume on it.

[18:34] Someone has an admirer.

[18:35] Dan, this letter is from you.

[18:37] You signed it from you, Dan.

[18:39] Ooh, you're just jealous.

[18:41] Flower delivery?

[18:42] Flowers from an admirer?

[18:44] He knew he needed a pick-me-up, dude.

[18:45] That makes sense.

[18:47] Sometimes you've got to treat yourself.

[18:48] Here's my other idea for a Hannibal promo.

[18:50] Okay.

[18:50] He's pushing a cart through the grocery store.

[18:52] He goes to the butcher counter, and he says, I'll take 10 pounds.

[18:56] And then the camera pans over.

[18:58] The butcher is cutting up human parts.

[19:00] Mads Mikkelsen looks at the camera, winks.

[19:02] Then it shows him waking up from sleep and looks at the camera and goes, if only.

[19:07] Sure.

[19:07] Only in my dreams.

[19:09] Hannibal, Thursdays at 9.

[19:12] He's a cannibal.

[19:14] Get it?

[19:16] Mad about Mads.

[19:17] Anyway.

[19:20] Yeah, let's get the hashtag trending, people.

[19:21] Mad about Mads.

[19:22] Mad about Mads hashtag.

[19:23] Why isn't it happening?

[19:24] I want it at the top of the trending, right underneath the sponsored trend from Eminem that's like hashtag melts in your hands.

[19:32] And you name things that melt in your hands that are not Eminems.

[19:35] Like ice or what?

Stuart Wellington

[19:38] Like boners, I guess.

[19:40] Bound of boners?

[19:41] Yeah, pound of boners.

[19:43] Wait, wait.

[19:43] No, I can do better.

[19:45] Ice?

[19:47] No, boners.

[19:48] Yeah, boner shaped ice.

[19:49] An icy boner.

[19:50] Anyway.

[19:51] Don't even talk about that.

[19:52] Good day to die hard.

Elliott Kalan

[19:54] John McCain and Jack McClain don't have a great issue.

[19:56] John McCain.

[19:57] I would love that.

[19:58] John McCain and Jack McCain.

[20:01] It's me, John McCain.

[20:03] Finish the dang movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:04] I crashed here in Russia.

[20:06] Classic Flop House Impressions.

Elliott Kalan

[20:09] I be John McCain.

[20:12] Arizona Senate.

[20:13] We got two ringtones over here.

[20:15] I ran for the presidency of these United States.

[20:19] I be John McCain.

[20:21] Arr.

[20:22] Captain McCain.

[20:23] Classic.

[20:24] Anyway, so John McCain and Jack McClain don't have a great relationship.

[20:28] They're working out their issues.

[20:29] They bicker a lot.

[20:29] But that bickering doesn't stop them from teaming up to pull the fast one on the Russian main henchman who is one of these flamboyant villain henchmans you see.

[20:40] Sam Rockwell.

[20:41] He starts dancing for no reason.

[20:43] His henchmen all have crazy haircuts.

[20:46] One of them looks like Wesley Snipes in Demolition Man.

[20:50] Yeah, Simon Phoenix.

Stuart Wellington

[20:53] I forgot his name.

[20:55] Simon Phoenix.

[20:56] Because he keeps saying Simon Says before he kills people.

[20:59] Simon Says Die.

[21:00] Oh, that's right.

Dan McCoy

[21:01] He doesn't go Phoenix Says.

[21:03] No, that's what he has in common with the third Die Hard movie.

[21:07] Simon Says.

Elliott Kalan

[21:08] Yeah.

[21:09] Brings it all back around to Die Hard.

[21:10] Anyway, the heroes out with the bad guys.

[21:13] They shoot them all.

[21:14] They get attacked by a helicopter gunship, which happens a lot in this movie.

[21:19] Helicopters are super exciting still, Elliot.

[21:21] That's true.

[21:21] And it's just like the scene in Star Trek Into Darkness where Cumberbatch uses a...

[21:29] Spoiler alert.

[21:30] Uses a futuristic helicopter gunship to attack a building.

[21:33] A hovercopter.

[21:33] A hovercopter laser ship.

[21:36] Although it's shooting bullets, I think.

[21:38] But anyway, the most exciting part of this action sequence involving a helicopter and people

[21:44] crashing through a construction site and jumping through windows is when the villainess is

[21:50] running towards the helicopter and the wind from the rotor blades is blowing up her dress

[21:53] so you can see the top of her tights, of her stockings.

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:57] That is the most...

[21:57] I guess...

[21:58] I think we can all agree that that glimpse of the top of her stockings is the most exciting

[22:01] part of that scene.

Dan McCoy

[22:02] And I'm a pervizoid, ladies and gentlemen.

[22:05] Exhibit A.

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] This is an example of how unexciting the scene is.

[22:10] Stuart is pouring something from a flask into a glass, but it sounds like he's peeing.

[22:14] And he's got a hammer and sickle flask.

[22:18] Very appropriate to try to screw this on.

[22:20] Why didn't you use that during the Red Dawn episode?

Dan McCoy

[22:22] He's putting...

[22:23] He's pouring vodka from a hammer and sickle flask into his glass.

[22:27] And here comes the Schweppes.

Stuart Wellington

[22:29] The movie was in Russia, guys.

Dan McCoy

[22:30] Did you theme your drink specifically because of this?

[22:33] Sometimes.

[22:34] Sure.

[22:35] Today I did.

Elliott Kalan

[22:36] Anyway.

[22:37] So they dodge.

[22:38] Machine gun rounds.

[22:39] The McLeans escape.

[22:40] They jump out of a building.

[22:41] Jump down a pipe or something.

[22:42] John McLean says about 40 times, I'm on vacation!

[22:46] Again, because he's not.

[22:47] And they find out that the bad guys are going to Chernobyl.

[22:51] Bum, bum, bum.

[22:52] That's exciting.

[22:53] Because that's where the file is hidden.

Stuart Wellington

[22:54] So the Russian authorities are probably going crazy.

[22:56] They're trying to stop these flying helicopters shooting buildings.

[22:59] Nope.

[23:00] Don't see them.

[23:01] Massive car wrecks.

Elliott Kalan

[23:02] It appears to be a lawless wasteland.

[23:04] They are too busy, I assume, stopping bears from wandering the streets.

[23:08] There's something to do with graft, probably.

[23:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:10] There's probably a lot of shots of the people of Russia mourning the death of all their countrymen.

[23:15] No.

[23:15] Crushed by Bruce Willis' car-based rampage.

[23:18] Nothing.

[23:18] Not at all.

Elliott Kalan

[23:19] The people of Russia might as well be ants.

[23:21] For all the worth their mortality is given in this The Fifth Die Hard movie.

[23:27] They are treated like the worst of computer player characters where they have no existence whatsoever.

[23:35] It gives you the impression that Russia is a land of buildings and self-driving cars and like a handful of bad guys.

Stuart Wellington

[23:44] And as you put it in that car chase, it felt like it was like a car chase that was just trying to get people excited about the idea of a bigger car smashing into smaller cars.

[23:55] Like it's not actually exciting.

Dan McCoy

[23:57] Yeah, well, this was the car chase equivalent of the end of Bad Boys 2 where they just careen through a shanty town in Cuba killing God knows how many people.

[24:09] Not even God knows.

Elliott Kalan

[24:10] Even God couldn't count them.

[24:10] Who cares?

Dan McCoy

[24:11] Because they're foreigners.

[24:12] So it doesn't matter.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] There are a couple moments in the car chase that are neat stunts.

[24:17] But yeah, it's not exciting.

[24:18] And you just keep thinking about all the people that are hurting.

[24:21] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[24:22] And every neat stunt, they just immediately cut in like five different ways so you don't actually get a full impact of the crash.

Dan McCoy

[24:29] Guys, it's all for the greater good of John McClane reconnecting with his son.

[24:34] Reiniting with his son, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:36] So they go to Chernobyl.

[24:37] All the bad guys are there.

[24:39] It turns out that...

[24:40] Bad guys, no mutants though, right?

[24:42] No mutants.

[24:43] This is...

[24:43] This is too bad.

[24:43] Unfortunately.

[24:44] And the radiation seems to be very easily dispersible when they get to Chernobyl.

[24:48] They show up in radiation suits.

[24:50] They open a door with their magic key.

[24:52] And then they like, what, set up like bug zappers that get rid of radiation?

[24:57] Some way to that, yeah.

[24:57] And suddenly it's okay.

[24:58] It's the most irradiated site, I think, on Earth that humans have habitated.

[25:03] You know.

[25:04] And it's...

[25:05] They're like, whatever.

[25:05] We'll just walk around.

[25:07] No mutants here.

[25:08] I think there are a couple of Dr. Manhattans or something.

[25:10] Mm-hmm.

[25:11] A couple of Doctors Manhattan.

[25:14] But it turns out...

[25:16] Uh-oh.

[25:16] There was no magic file to begin with.

[25:19] Only crate after crate of weapons-grade uranium, which they can sell...

[25:23] The worst kind of uranium.

[25:25] ...for millions.

[25:26] And the tap-dancing guy is like,

[25:28] Where's the file?

[25:29] You told me there'd be a file here.

[25:31] And Komarov, the bearded, lovable guy that has been taken hostage...

[25:37] Yeah.

[25:37] ...shoots that guy, the henchman in the head.

[25:40] Turns out he was behind it the whole time.

[25:43] So wait a minute.

[25:44] And he's a villain.

[25:45] And it turns...

[25:45] And he shoots the guy and then goes...

[25:48] Like that.

[25:49] And Dan pointed out that now that he knows he's a villain, he has to ham it up.

[25:52] Yeah.

[25:52] Before the character thought he was a kindly old man, so he didn't ham it up.

Dan McCoy

[25:56] Now, okay.

[25:56] So this guy's plan was, I guess, to get...

[26:00] Get captured.

[26:03] Yes.

[26:03] Get broken out of jail.

[26:05] ...and then be freed during a bombing.

[26:07] Yes.

[26:07] And then get captured again so he could go to this uranium, which apparently he couldn't go to on his own for some reason.

[26:13] Because he was in jail, I guess.

[26:16] Yeah.

[26:16] I don't really understand how this all fits together, this twist.

Stuart Wellington

[26:20] Somehow it's related to the politician who was threatening him, maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[26:23] Yeah.

[26:23] And then there's a bad guy politician and Komarov calls Shigarin, the bad guy politician who's in a sauna with a hefty...

[26:32] With a strong nurse.

[26:33] And he's like, it's me.

[26:35] I escaped and I've got uranium now.

[26:36] Goodbye.

[26:37] And then the nurse snaps Shigarin's neck because apparently Komarov has henchmen everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[26:42] What's up with Russians always killing each other in saunas?

[26:45] It's where you're most vulnerable.

[26:46] You're not wearing clothes.

[26:47] You're all sweaty and gross.

[26:48] But it seems like such a tacked-on thing.

[26:50] Yeah.

[26:51] Like, hey, just like the car chase where they're like, hey, remember car chases that are actually exciting?

[26:54] I think this was like, hey, remember that scene in Eastern Promises?

[26:57] Remember that great scene in Eastern Promises where nude Viggo Mortensen fights those guys?

Dan McCoy

[27:01] At least make it sauna-specific.

[27:02] Like, have them beat together to death with branches or something.

[27:05] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:06] No, but they like that in Russia.

[27:07] That's what he paid for.

[27:09] He'd be like, yeah, yeah, good.

[27:10] I expect him to be beaten to death.

[27:11] Beat me harder, please.

[27:12] I am Russian.

[27:13] And so forth.

[27:16] At this point...

[27:17] He's really committed to it.

[27:18] Yeah.

[27:19] At this point, the McLeans enter the vault.

[27:21] They learn the true story of the real-life story of how their life got flipped, turned upside down.

[27:27] They want to take a minute.

[27:30] Just sit right there.

[27:31] Sit right there.

[27:31] Tell them all about the story about how they became a good day to die hard.

[27:35] Yep.

[27:36] Of Bel-Air.

[27:37] Created by Andy Borowitz.

[27:39] And then there's just a bunch of fighting as they fight the bad guys all around.

[27:44] There's a lot of helicopter spinning.

[27:45] There's a real shoot-em-up.

[27:45] There's a lot of helicopter spinning.

[27:46] There's a big shirtless guy with a gun.

[27:48] Who's like Zangief from Street Fighter.

[27:51] Yeah.

[27:51] You're expecting a good fight, but...

[27:53] No, exactly.

[27:54] This huge guy shows up, and I assumed they're going to do their take on the scene in Raiders

[27:59] where Indiana Jones has to fight that big, bald Nazi, and the Nazi's just punching him.

[28:03] Yeah.

[28:04] And then the propeller kills him.

[28:05] It's an amazing scene.

[28:06] But instead, the guy is just shooting them, and then they blow him up.

[28:10] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:10] And just like that chick in If Looks Good Kill, he just gets totally roasted.

Elliott Kalan

[28:16] Yeah.

[28:16] Mm-hmm.

[28:17] He's saying people are getting roasted alive.

[28:18] Just flame broiled.

Stuart Wellington

[28:21] Yeah.

[28:21] Flash fried.

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:22] Like, he didn't even have a shirt to protect him.

Elliott Kalan

[28:24] And when the explosion happens, Bruce Willis and his son are behind, like...

[28:29] Bruce Willis is behind a big metal box, and his son is behind a pillar, and you literally

[28:33] see the flame rush out towards the sun and wrap around the pillar all around him, and then

[28:39] it cuts away, and when it cuts back, he's fine.

[28:42] He was behind this pillar, so even though flame has literally touched him, he has not

[28:46] singed.

Stuart Wellington

[28:46] It's like, have you ever tried to take a piece of hardened beef jerky and just stuck it in

[28:51] like a fire grill?

[28:52] Always, yeah.

[28:53] It doesn't do anything to that jerky man.

Elliott Kalan

[28:54] So you're saying the guy is a piece of hardened beef jerky.

[28:57] I'd say that Bruce Willis, that John McClane is meant to be...

[28:59] No, no, but this is Jack McClane.

[29:00] He's like a regular J.C. Ryback character.

[29:02] I believe that John McClane is a smoked, dried, cured meat.

[29:06] I don't believe that of his son.

Dan McCoy

[29:08] I have to say, I want to make it clear that this movie, the screenwriter of this film,

[29:14] also wrote such films as Hitman, Swordfish, and X-Men Origins Wolverine.

[29:20] Yep.

[29:21] Flophouse favorite.

Stuart Wellington

[29:22] And, wait, didn't he also write Max Payne?

[29:25] Yes.

[29:26] Oh, no, the director.

[29:27] Oh, man.

[29:27] The director of this made Max Payne.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] It's like a confluence of Flophouse-y and influences.

[29:31] Of crap.

[29:31] Still allowed to make films.

[29:34] Now, so, the son goes after...

[29:36] It makes no sense.

[29:38] Bruce Willis goes after the young woman with the helicopter, the evil daughter.

[29:42] And the son goes after the old man with a gun.

[29:45] They're all fighting.

[29:47] Bruce Willis gets on the helicopter.

[29:49] The daughter is like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, shooting her helicopter guns at the roof of this Chernobyl building.

[29:55] There's a truck inside the helicopter because it's full of uranium stuff or whatever.

[30:00] And Bruce Willis gets in it and chains it to the side of the helicopter, gets in his car, says,

[30:08] yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker, just to himself.

[30:10] And then drives out...

[30:11] Just for kicks.

[30:12] Just drives it out the back of the helicopter to unbalance it.

[30:15] And then there's a scene where it looks like Bruce Willis is trying to steer the helicopter

[30:18] with the steering wheel in a truck that's hanging out the back of a helicopter.

[30:22] He's getting on in the ears, Elliot.

[30:23] They should really take his license away is what I'm saying.

[30:26] And the son is fighting the ultimate villain, Komarov.

[30:30] But it's weird.

[30:31] Komarov has this gun and he's firing anywhere but at his enemy.

[30:36] And the son picks up Komarov and literally...

[30:41] Komarov is totally at his mercy.

[30:44] Just throws him over the roof into the rotor blades of the helicopter, which cuts him up.

[30:51] Dasvidanya.

[30:52] Which just cuts him up into blood.

[30:54] Immediately.

[30:55] It looks like a Mortal Kombat fatality.

Stuart Wellington

[30:57] It's like when Dark Phoenix totally turned Professor X into a bunch of particles.

Elliott Kalan

[31:02] But it really...

[31:03] It's like something out of...

[31:07] Like one of those weird Japanese action movies where it's like schoolgirls with blades that

[31:12] come out of their butts and there's a lot of CGI blood.

Stuart Wellington

[31:15] Like it was that kind of fakey blood.

[31:17] We always complain about a lot of Flophouse movies doing cuts or flashbacks to scenes that

[31:24] were only a little bit earlier in the movie.

[31:25] And I really wish that right before he threw him into those blades there was a cutback to

[31:29] when Komarov was trying to convince Bruce Willis that there's still a chance that he and his

[31:33] son could reunite.

[31:35] Like the idea of like, this bad guy kind of helped heal the wounds between the two of you

[31:39] and now you're tossing him into the rotor blades.

[31:40] You should be paying me.

Elliott Kalan

[31:42] I'm a therapist.

[31:43] I'll pay you.

[31:44] In death.

Dan McCoy

[31:45] In Soviet Russia, helicopter chops up you.

Elliott Kalan

[31:49] It's not even a joke.

[31:50] It's good.

[31:51] Enjoy your trip.

[31:52] Have a nice fall.

[31:54] Yep.

[31:54] Throws him out.

[31:55] And the daughter doesn't even notice that she just killed her father with the helicopter

[31:59] blades.

[32:00] It's Shakespearean, you know.

[32:02] Yeah.

[32:03] She's the instrument of her own father's demise.

[32:05] It's just like in Hamlet.

[32:06] Which one?

[32:06] It's like Titus Androgynous.

[32:08] Titus Androgynous.

[32:09] Yeah.

[32:09] Just like the one with...

[32:12] The David Bowie Tilda Swinton.

[32:13] The David Bowie stars.

[32:15] David Bowie is Titus Androgynous.

Dan McCoy

[32:18] You're eating Tilda Swinton.

[32:20] You're eating these pies.

[32:21] No!

[32:21] Whatever.

[32:22] Whatever.

[32:23] I'm David Bowie.

[32:25] I'm a general in Rome.

Elliott Kalan

[32:30] Freak out in a moon-age daydream.

[32:33] Let's dance.

[32:35] I just ate my own child in a pie.

[32:40] Put on your red dress and cannibal.

[32:44] Hannibal and so forth.

[32:47] I can't think of a single other thing that happens in Titus.

[32:51] Who would play Aaron the Moor, the best character in the whole play?

[32:57] Somebody.

[32:58] Let's just say Lenny Kravitz.

[33:02] I wish I could remember.

Dan McCoy

[33:03] And Hannibal's in the audience watching Titus Androgynous.

[33:05] He's like, finally!

[33:06] And he's eating...

[33:07] Finally something for me!

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] Finally something for me!

Stuart Wellington

[33:10] Bleh!

[33:10] He's a vampire now.

[33:11] He's eating a giant sandwich with a human hand sticking out of it.

Elliott Kalan

[33:15] And the usher says, sir, no food in the theater!

[33:17] Hi-yi-yi-yi!

Stuart Wellington

[33:19] Hannibal winks at the camera.

[33:21] And he goes, beats don't fail me now!

[33:23] And runs off.

[33:23] He goes to cover his mouth with his hand and he realizes it's already gone.

[33:27] Chopped off and in Hannibal's mouth.

[33:29] Oh, the usher.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] Even Hannibal was eating his own hand.

Stuart Wellington

[33:32] He could be, dude!

[33:33] Who cares?

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] It's a movie!

Dan McCoy

[33:35] Anything can happen in the movies.

Elliott Kalan

[33:38] In the dark.

[33:39] We could be heroes!

[33:45] Anyway, she somehow knows her father's dead.

[33:49] She does a suicide plunge of the helicopter into the building.

[33:53] Failing to kill any of the heroes.

[33:55] Who, for the 18th time...

[33:56] Probably killing herself.

[33:58] She does kill herself.

[33:59] The helicopter explodes.

[33:59] Yeah, but we don't see it.

[34:00] Yes, we do.

[34:01] The helicopter explodes.

[34:02] So she's totally roasted.

Dan McCoy

[34:04] Yes, she's totally roasted.

[34:05] Oh, yeah, she's really attractive.

[34:07] So if you could say that she survives the helicopter.

[34:09] Look, I would love if she survived.

Stuart Wellington

[34:11] It just burned all her clothes off.

Elliott Kalan

[34:12] The fire only burned off her clothes and made her really sweaty.

[34:17] And she goes, oh my!

[34:19] And she tries to cover up, but it's too late.

[34:21] We've seen everything.

[34:23] Now, considering...

[34:24] I don't want to curl on your mustache.

[34:26] I would love for her to survive, considering my two favorite characters...

[34:29] My three favorite characters in the movie are the singing cab driver

[34:33] and the tops of her two stockings.

[34:36] Now, Bruce Willis and his son, for the 18th time, jump out of some windows,

[34:42] just hoping there's something below them that will not kill them when they hit it.

[34:45] They fall through a glass skylight into a swimming pool,

[34:49] because, of course, Chernobyl has a swimming pool.

Stuart Wellington

[34:51] As an unwitting victim of a knee injury, Dan, how does that make you feel?

Dan McCoy

[34:55] Look, I've played the knee card a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[34:59] Bruce Willis has got to be a million years older than you.

[35:02] Yes, a million years.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] His knees are just about that old, too.

[35:05] There is evidence in ancient, prehistoric carvings of Bruce Willis.

[35:09] It's a stick figure with a squint and a smirk on his face,

[35:13] and sometimes a cigar and sometimes a harmonica.

[35:16] It's a kind of a Bruno-type stick figure.

Dan McCoy

[35:18] Now, when he leapt out of a building earlier and fell through several layers of scaffolding

[35:22] into a dumpster, did I think every boner in his body would be shattered?

[35:25] Yes, I did.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Every boner in his body is shattered.

[35:28] Only the one.

[35:30] Few men have more than one boner.

Dan McCoy

[35:32] The lucky ones.

[35:34] The lucky ones.

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] Well, there was that one guy.

[35:35] There was a man years ago who was a sideshow performer who had three legs and two penises,

[35:40] both working penises.

[35:41] He was Italian.

Dan McCoy

[35:42] So five legs is what you're saying.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] Yeah.

[35:44] Whoa!

[35:45] And people used to ask him,

[35:47] do you feel bad having three legs?

[35:50] Do you envy people who have two legs?

[35:52] And he would say, do you envy someone with one arm?

[35:54] He was very pro himself, very confident.

[35:58] But having two working penises will do that.

[36:00] Sounds like a nice guy.

[36:01] He'll give you a lot of confidence.

[36:02] And he could kick a soccer ball with his third leg.

Dan McCoy

[36:04] You think he had sex with two ladies at the same time?

Elliott Kalan

[36:06] He had to have.

[36:07] Come on.

[36:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] I mean, just out of curiosity.

[36:09] I mean, women wouldn't necessarily find him attractive.

[36:13] Sure they would.

[36:13] Crazy women.

[36:14] No, but not simply.

[36:14] Just out of curiosity, there's got to be some women who are like, let's do this.

Elliott Kalan

[36:17] Considering Chang and Eng both had wives who had sex with them and bore children,

[36:21] I would have to assume that they did.

[36:24] And I'd like to believe that he had sex with Siamese twin women that he met maybe in the

[36:29] sideshow.

[36:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:31] Yeah, on one of those OK Cupid's.

Elliott Kalan

[36:33] It's like a real love match.

[36:34] You wouldn't need the OK Cupid because they work together.

[36:37] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[36:37] It's a workplace romance for the workplace sideshow.

[36:40] Now they have to push them together is when they realize that they found each other on

[36:42] OK Cupid, but they're so close.

Dan McCoy

[36:44] I do have to report it to Circus HR, though, if they're going to date within the family.

Elliott Kalan

[36:49] Yeah.

[36:49] You think a circus is HR?

Dan McCoy

[36:53] That's I can't think of it.

[36:57] Something about a bearded lady, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[36:58] Come on.

Dan McCoy

[36:59] What's someone in the circus that has an H?

[37:02] The beads with an H.

[37:03] The half man?

[37:04] Yeah.

[37:04] Half man resources.

[37:05] Oh, man.

[37:06] Half man resources.

[37:06] OK.

Stuart Wellington

[37:07] It's like a regular episode of...

[37:10] Wait, can no one remember anything today?

[37:14] What is your...

[37:14] No, wait.

[37:15] I got this one.

Elliott Kalan

[37:16] There's a gas leak.

[37:17] There's a gas...

[37:18] Ah, ah, ah.

[37:19] No wonder Titus Androgynous sounded like such a great idea.

[37:23] So anyway, Jack and John McClane have totally patched up along this trip, saving the world

[37:28] from nuclear weapons, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[37:30] They go back home to marry Elizabeth Winstead, who you've totally forgotten.

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] Who is Bruce Willis' daughter in this, and they laugh and laugh as they unboard a private

[37:38] plane that I guess the CIA sent for them.

Dan McCoy

[37:40] And there's a freeze frame with the sun behind him that is framed very awkwardly.

[37:44] It's not...

Elliott Kalan

[37:44] Yeah, it looks...

[37:45] Bruce Willis is almost out of frame, and the sun is just peeking out from behind his bald

[37:48] dome of a head.

[37:50] He's got the fucking technodrome on the top of his neck.

[37:53] You got Biosphere 2 right there.

[37:57] Empire of the sun.

[37:58] The only guy whose head was designed by Buckminster Fuller.

[38:00] Whoa.

[38:02] Hey-oh!

[38:02] I got plenty of Bruce Willis ball jokes.

[38:06] Destro's walking off the plane.

[38:08] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[38:08] No, that's tied in with that Baroness joke you said.

[38:11] Yeah, because the Baroness is earlier.

[38:12] Yeah, Russia.

Elliott Kalan

[38:13] So that's the movie.

[38:14] They saved the world.

[38:15] They patched up their relationship.

[38:16] They managed to kill...

[38:19] I'm just going to say, on the outside, this is a conservative estimate, 350 Russians.

[38:23] But no international incident somehow.

[38:25] No, because in this world, Russia exists only for Americans to go and ruin...

[38:31] It's much the same way that foreign countries work in a lot of James Bond movies where it's

[38:35] like, India, your job is to have like a street bazaar that white people can run through and

[38:41] destroy while they're having a chase scene.

[38:43] Like, you're not people.

[38:45] You're dressing up the sets.

Dan McCoy

[38:47] Yeah, you can pull a sword out of a sword swallower's throat and have a sword fight with it or something.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Now, that's an HR problem.

Stuart Wellington

[38:55] Why did that sound so gross when he said it?

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] It's disgusting.

[38:58] The idea of it is disgusting.

[38:59] Okay.

[38:59] So, uh...

[39:00] You got phlegm all over that sword?

[39:02] It's got all bacteria on it?

Dan McCoy

[39:03] Let's skip to Final Judgments.

[39:04] Was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked, Stuart?

[39:07] What do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[39:08] This was a bad, bad movie.

[39:09] I didn't like it.

[39:10] I didn't like how the trailer made me believe that that girl was going to unzip her jumpsuit.

[39:14] She did unzip her jumpsuit.

[39:15] It was all the way, but they cut it way too soon.

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] What's weird is that there are pictures online that show, because we were looking at pictures of the lead actress online.

Stuart Wellington

[39:22] We were all meant to being that much of a...

Elliott Kalan

[39:25] There are stills where she unzipped the jumpsuit way down, and you see a lot more of her, but that's not in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[39:30] In the trailer, there is that much of it, so it seems weird.

Elliott Kalan

[39:32] I wonder if they shot that for the trailer, and then they just didn't put it in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[39:36] They're like, oh, the mostly male audience who goes to see this movie won't be interested in this.

Elliott Kalan

[39:39] They're not going to be interested in this hot Russian lady taking her clothes off.

Stuart Wellington

[39:42] Yeah, it seems weird that they would be like, well, this will get them in the seats, and then they're like, but let's cut it down in the actual movie.

Elliott Kalan

[39:49] And meanwhile, any excuse to show us Bruce Willis' naked ass.

[39:52] I mean, he's pantsless in most of the movie.

[39:55] The color of night is flesh-colored, apparently.

[39:58] It would be so weird if this movie was his pants get blown off early on, and he doesn't put them back on.

[40:03] And it's just him jumping out of buildings with no pants on.

[40:07] A good day to die pantsless.

Dan McCoy

[40:10] A good day to die naked from the waist down.

[40:12] I'm going to say this is a bad, bad movie, and I say this as a man who has basically liked every other Die Hard movie to one degree or another.

Elliott Kalan

[40:20] Your screen name on Instant Messenger is Die Hard 1-1 Fan.

[40:23] Well, that's the thing.

[40:24] I'm not like...

[40:25] Because you consider yourself the 11th biggest Die Hard fan.

Dan McCoy

[40:27] I am actually not like the world's hugest Die Hard fanatic.

[40:30] There are a lot of people out there who are like, oh, the original Die Hard is the best action movie.

[40:33] I like it a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[40:34] It's easily one of the best action movies.

Dan McCoy

[40:36] No, it's one of the best.

[40:37] I'm not...

Elliott Kalan

[40:38] I also disagree that it's the best.

[40:40] But it is...

[40:40] For an action movie, it has...

[40:42] It's about...

[40:43] It's very smartly constructed.

[40:44] Yeah.

[40:45] And the scenes work really well.

[40:46] It's very exciting and suspensy.

[40:48] But I'm not like a huge fanatic.

[40:49] But I have liked...

[40:51] It's up there with like Hard Target.

Dan McCoy

[40:52] Obviously, the first one is head and shoulders over the others.

[40:57] But I even enjoy the sequels.

[40:59] The sequels I don't like.

[40:59] And this one I do not care for at all.

Elliott Kalan

[41:01] It also hurts that...

[41:03] One of the things that made Die Hard great is that the villain is fantastic.

[41:07] And in this, the villain is almost a non-entity.

Stuart Wellington

[41:09] Well, as you pointed out, like in the first Die Hard, and even in the second Die Hard,

[41:13] they take a little bit of time to at least like build it up.

[41:16] Build it up the situation.

Dan McCoy

[41:17] And create the world and build up the situation and show the bad guy's plan in motion

Stuart Wellington

[41:21] to give the bad guy a little bit of like cred, I guess.

[41:24] Yeah.

[41:25] To show that he actually is smart, whereas the John McClane character is kind of...

Elliott Kalan

[41:30] A doof.

[41:31] Well, but more like...

[41:32] He's your average Joe.

[41:33] Hey, forget about it.

[41:34] Pizza pie.

Stuart Wellington

[41:34] But it's his like hardworking American ethos that gets him through.

[41:38] Yeah.

[41:38] He's carrying his lunch pail everywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[41:41] But yeah, no, but that's...

[41:41] But like you set up...

[41:43] His whole purpose is to be the like ordinary Joe,

[41:46] like...

[41:48] But like resilient and tough that gets through and beats up the smarter European,

[41:53] you know, bad guys.

[41:55] But here, the bad guy's plan, it felt like the bad guy was making up as he went along.

[41:59] He had no charisma.

[42:00] Sure, the henchman danced once, but that was about it.

[42:03] And the movie is...

Dan McCoy

[42:04] And his son is so uninteresting.

[42:06] They put so much of the movie on his shoulder.

Stuart Wellington

[42:09] He makes you...

[42:10] The son makes you wish for Shia LaBeouf to show up from fucking Crystal Skull.

[42:15] It makes...

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] What's his name?

[42:15] Mutt Jackson?

[42:16] Makes him look...

[42:17] Mutt Rover Boyer's D?

[42:19] What's the name?

[42:20] What's Shia LaBeouf's character's name?

[42:21] It's Mutt something, right?

[42:22] Yeah, whatever.

[42:23] It is.

[42:23] But it makes him seem like a really lovable...

[42:25] You're watching this and you're like,

[42:27] you know what?

[42:27] Maybe I'll watch another Mutt in the Crystal Skull movie.

[42:29] Maybe they should make another one of those.

[42:31] Indiana Jones Jr.

[42:33] And the Legend of the Hidden Shoes.

[42:37] Maybe they'll make one of those.

[42:38] The veils are told of shoes.

[42:40] Rather than like...

[42:40] They were put somewhere.

[42:41] Rather than doing...

[42:42] And then you couldn't find them again.

[42:44] Rather than like, you know, Die Hard in Your Face.

[42:47] The new one starring Jack McClane, the son, you know.

[42:50] He's so boring and dull and just personality-less.

[42:55] But it's a good, good movie.

[42:56] No.

[42:57] And also, like, this is such a, like, no-effort movie in a lot of ways.

[43:02] Except for stunts and, like, computer graphics.

[43:05] But the direction is kind of sub-born level, shaky cam.

[43:09] There's, like, two interesting...

[43:10] The script is terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[43:11] There's two attempts to make interesting shots in the movie.

[43:14] Like, interesting action shots.

[43:15] Like, at the end where they're, like, falling at the same rate as the helicopter.

[43:19] But it's totally stupid and there's no threat.

[43:21] So who cares?

[43:22] Yeah, threat level zero.

Elliott Kalan

[43:23] Just watch Looper.

[43:25] So I think we're all agreed.

[43:26] Bad movie.

[43:27] Go watch Die Hard if you want good Die Hard.

[43:30] And go watch Looper if you want good old Bruce Willis.

Dan McCoy

[43:32] But you know what?

[43:33] Elliot, you look like you have something to say.

Elliott Kalan

[43:36] I do have something to say.

[43:37] And you guys aren't going to want to hear it.

[43:39] But here's what it is.

[43:40] Okay, I'll allow it this time.

[43:41] I'm quitting.

[43:42] What?

[43:43] Time Warner Cable.

[43:44] What?

[43:45] Because their DVR box, let's be honest, it's a piece of garbage.

[43:48] It overheats.

[43:49] It sucks.

[43:50] It doesn't work a lot of the time.

[43:51] The remotes are shit.

[43:52] Pardon my French, but I get heated up.

[43:54] Much like a DVR box from Time Warner.

[43:56] When I talk about Time Warner's DVR box.

[43:58] But hey, I found a better option.

[44:00] What's that?

[44:00] A smarter option.

[44:01] A cooler option.

[44:02] A sexier option.

[44:03] An option that shouldn't be an option.

[44:05] It's a necessity.

[44:06] And it's called TiVo.

[44:08] T, little I, big V, little O.

[44:10] That's right.

[44:11] Like Tybo.

[44:12] You know, Billy Blank's martial arts thing.

[44:14] But TiVo.

[44:15] And it's made watching your favorite television shows so easy that you might be watching them

[44:20] right now and not even know it.

[44:21] Wow.

[44:21] Because it's that easy to just talk.

[44:23] What about Mob Doctor?

[44:24] Yep.

[44:24] You can watch it.

[44:25] Except it's not on television anymore.

[44:27] But if you had TiVo'd it, you could keep it forever because TiVo has a huge amount of

[44:31] storage capacity and up to four tuners.

[44:34] And you could watch Mob Doctor to your heart's content.

[44:36] What about My Boys?

[44:37] My Boys?

[44:38] I don't know that TiVo was around when My Boys was on the air.

[44:41] But if TBS is rerunning it, the Jim Gavigan sitcom My Boys, then maybe.

[44:46] Look, you no longer have to sit in front of your TV and watch TV shows when your channels

[44:50] tell you to.

[44:51] And you know what?

[44:51] You don't even have to watch them a week later, a month later.

[44:54] You don't even have to watch them at your TV.

[44:56] Because TiVo lets you watch shows whenever you want, wherever you want.

[45:00] Anywhere that you have a screen, you can watch this.

[45:03] Any time that you have time, you can watch it.

[45:07] TiVo lets you stream TV on your iPad, transfer recordings with there so you can take them

[45:11] with you on like an airplane or a submarine or like a mini-sub or a mini-plane or a sub-ma-plane

[45:16] or a plane-marine.

[45:18] Name a place.

[45:19] Name a place.

[45:19] You can take the TiVo there.

[45:20] Or you can watch something there.

[45:21] A hamburger stand.

[45:22] A hamburger stand.

[45:23] You got it.

[45:23] Watch your TV shows.

[45:24] Hackensack.

[45:25] Hackensack, New Jersey?

[45:26] Yeah.

[45:26] I mean, you could just have a TV there, sure.

[45:29] Anywhere.

[45:30] You could go to Cairo.

[45:31] You could go to Japan.

[45:32] You could go to the moon.

Stuart Wellington

[45:33] You could go to Atlantis.

[45:34] What about the offices of All Things Comedy?

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] Sure.

[45:38] Yeah, if there's a physical place for them.

[45:40] I think it's just a P.O.

[45:41] box in Tucson.

[45:42] But All Things Comedy, you can go there and watch it.

[45:45] TiVo lets you search cable, the internet to find any show, movie, video.

[45:49] It's like Netflix, Hulu Plus, Amazon, and YouTube are just channels on your TV.

[45:53] On your TV with an amazing DVR where you can record four shows at once and something like 75 to 100, I don't remember how many, hours of HD programming.

[46:01] That's a lot.

[46:02] That's so much, you're never going to finish it.

[46:04] And you're not going to want to because you're going to enjoy watching it so much you're going to keep watching them.

[46:08] Which you can do.

[46:09] Over and over again.

[46:10] TiVo Mini and a TiVo box works like you have TiVos on two TVs.

[46:14] It's amazing.

[46:15] Double your power.

[46:16] Now you can watch whatever you want, wherever you want, and now you can do it for a little bit cheaper.

[46:21] Because if you go to TiVo.com right now and any now until November 1st, you can get $25 off a new TiVo Premiere, a P4, or an XL4 DVR by using the promo code ATC.

[46:34] It's easy to remember because it's All Things Comedy, your favorite podcasting network.

[46:37] Remember, the code expires on November 1st.

[46:39] TiVo.com, $25 off for the best DVR alternative there is.

[46:44] You're going to love it.

[46:44] I think you should go.

[46:46] And I would tell you I'm going to go, but I went already.

[46:48] So I don't have to go anymore.

[46:50] But I did.

[46:51] And you're going to like it, too.

Stuart Wellington

[46:53] Hey, so you're quitting is what you said.

[46:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:57] Quitting DVRs from Time Warner.

[46:59] So that's $25 off TiVo.com.

[47:02] And when you use the code ATC before November 1st, go do it, won't you?

[47:07] TiVo.

Dan McCoy

[47:08] Thank you for that word.

[47:10] That keeps the lights on, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] Yep.

[47:12] And the DVR is on.

Dan McCoy

[47:14] So this is the segment of the show where we answer letters from listeners.

[47:20] It's a little thing we like to call the Flophouse Movie Mailbag.

[47:23] Literally never accompanied with a song.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] Like this.

[47:28] Flophouse Movie Mailbag.

[47:30] It's a bag of mail that we found under a bridge.

[47:34] These letters are addressed to Santa, but we'll answer them anyway.

[47:39] Santa, if you're listening, here's what they want for Christmas.

[47:43] For Christmas.

[47:45] Santa, here's the mail.

Stuart Wellington

[47:46] I'm Santa, and I hear you, Elliot.

[47:51] Where are those letters you told me about?

Elliott Kalan

[47:54] We've got them here in a bag.

[47:56] It's a mailbag.

[47:57] A mailbag of letters for Santa and us.

[48:00] But they're ours now, and it's going to cost you, fat man.

[48:03] If you want these letters from the mailbag you lost under a bridge.

[48:08] What do you say to that, Kringle?

Dan McCoy

[48:11] I don't think this is actually...

[48:13] I don't think this is setting up...

Stuart Wellington

[48:15] How dare you, weird Elliot kid.

[48:18] I don't think...

[48:19] Why are you wearing a beanie with a propeller on it?

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] Because I'm a kid, and that's what kids wear while we're eating Go-Gurt.

[48:26] And riding our skateboards with slingshots.

Dan McCoy

[48:29] I think that this isn't setting up the segment properly.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] For Christmas, I want some chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs.

[48:35] In the Flophouse Mailbag.

[48:38] Flophouse Mailbag.

[48:40] Reading Rainbow.

[48:41] Okay, thank you.

Dan McCoy

[48:43] So, this first letter is titled...

[48:47] More songs, please.

[48:48] Wow, that one was great.

[48:49] Yeah.

[48:51] It's like Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote it.

[48:53] Yep.

[48:54] Andrew Lloyd Wronger.

[48:55] This one is titled...

[48:57] I Love the Show.

[48:59] And it says...

[49:00] Until now.

[49:02] Dear Housers, I recently discovered your show...

[49:06] And found it difficult to stop listening to your hilarious, easy-going banter about movies

[49:09] that most would consider unwatchable.

[49:11] Thanks.

[49:11] Gentlemen, I salute your comedy skills, but most of all, I salute your bravery and endurance.

[49:16] Should David Kalin ever tire of his reign of terror, I gladly offer my services as a replacement

[49:21] supervillain.

[49:23] Perhaps each episode could end with my face clenched with anger, crushing my iPod with my

[49:27] metal hand because Elliot had taunted me with his songs, or Stuart had taunted me by recommending

[49:32] yet again Castle Freak.

[49:34] The only impediments that I see...

[49:35] That's what I was going to recommend.

[49:36] I own neither a metal hand nor an iPod.

[49:39] We'll get cracking.

[49:40] Here is my actual query.

[49:42] Okay.

[49:42] Given your great experience watching terrible movies, what are the telltale signs I should

[49:46] look for to let me know that a horrible film that I'm watching is about to become

[49:50] a work of an unintentional comedy genius?

[49:52] When I settle down to watch, say, Frankenstein 2, Bikini Summer, starring Nicole

[49:57] Williamson, Alex Rocco, and Tawny Katane.

[50:00] Now, that's weird.

[50:00] I don't know why Nicole Williamson isn't there, but...

Stuart Wellington

[50:03] What happy...

[50:03] For Alex Rocco for the men.

[50:05] Tawny Katane, you say.

Dan McCoy

[50:06] What happy portents will let me know that I can settle back in a Falstaffian pose and

[50:10] declare, let the feast of hilarity begin.

[50:13] Well, if it's got Bikini in the title.

[50:14] To a good bad movie.

[50:15] A strong good bad movie, if you will.

[50:17] Or, what would the omens that tell me I need more vodka to make it through the project?

[50:23] Sincerely, Freddy Pakalon, not my real name.

[50:25] Well, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[50:27] I would say, well, one way you know if it's a bad movie, this is something Stuart pointed

[50:31] out to me once, is if it opens with a voiceover that says something like, my mother always

[50:35] told me.

[50:36] Never agree with strangers about it.

[50:38] Yeah, but that's usually a bad, bad movie.

[50:39] That's a bad, bad movie.

[50:40] But a good bad movie?

[50:42] Well, if Michael Caine and The Rock are in it?

Dan McCoy

[50:47] I think that a good bad movie often has a bizarrely high concept.

[50:54] Like, say, something like Gymkata that combines the kill of karate with the thrill of gymnastics.

[51:01] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[51:03] Something to look out for if you're looking for a good bad horror movie instead of a bad, bad

[51:08] horror movie.

[51:08] Mm-hmm.

[51:09] Is if it's got, not only has a painted cover, but if you're looking at that painted cover

[51:13] and you see like a painted babe on it, you're not going to see that babe anywhere in that

[51:18] movie.

[51:19] That's true.

[51:20] You are only going to see like a C-grade version of that babe.

[51:23] So do not rent that movie.

[51:25] So wait, hold on.

[51:25] Is that a recommended?

[51:26] Good, bad, or bad?

[51:27] Yeah, I don't know.

[51:27] That is a bad, bad movie.

[51:28] Oh, so you want to see a photo.

[51:29] So that's something to watch out for.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] You want a photograph of a babe and then you want to see that babe again on the back of

[51:33] the box.

[51:34] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[51:34] In a scene from the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[51:36] Yeah.

[51:36] Google her name maybe.

[51:38] So sure.

[51:39] Or just take a picture with your phone.

Dan McCoy

[51:40] You're saying what you actually want to see is a silhouette of a babe through some Venetian

[51:44] blinds.

[51:45] That sounds great.

Elliott Kalan

[51:47] Yeah, if you want to see a Shannon Tweed movie or something, sure.

[51:49] So if you want a movie with night or eyes or night eyes in the title, like Presumed Sexual

[51:54] or something like that.

[51:56] That's night eyes too.

[51:57] Sensual Innocence.

Dan McCoy

[51:58] I'll tell you something that often is in a good, bad movie in my experience.

[52:01] Or George Harrison.

Elliott Kalan

[52:03] Wait, of the Beatles?

[52:05] What was he doing in that movie?

[52:08] He's writing music, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[52:10] You're thinking George Hamilton.

[52:12] I'm not.

Elliott Kalan

[52:13] So George Harrison was in Night Eyes 2, Presumed Sexual.

[52:17] Or was it Sensual Innocence?

Dan McCoy

[52:20] Not actually George Harrison and the Beatles.

[52:22] It's George Hamilton and Rex Harrison merged.

Elliott Kalan

[52:24] Yeah, it's Jorge Harrison.

Dan McCoy

[52:27] I found that something that's in a lot of good, bad movies is long scenes of driving.

[52:34] Okay.

[52:34] If there are scenes where just a bunch of people are in a car driving somewhere and we see

[52:38] all of it, that is usually a precursor to some crazy.

[52:42] Like the brown bunny?

[52:43] Well, there's a treat at the end of that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] I was going to say, if there's...

[52:46] That's how I described it.

[52:48] Just like how there's a monster at the end of this book.

Dan McCoy

[52:52] There's a monster at the end of that film, let me tell you.

[52:54] Oof.

[52:55] I mean, not a...

[52:55] According to the internet.

Stuart Wellington

[52:57] I mean, not a monster in size, but a monster in...

[52:59] Take it easy on Chloe Zavini, dude.

[53:01] I feel like some of the...

[53:02] She looks way better in person.

Elliott Kalan

[53:03] I feel like some of these tips involve video boxes, which are hard to see nowadays, since

[53:09] movie stories don't really exist the same way they did.

[53:12] But I think if it's got Ninja in the title, you're on the path.

[53:18] So there you go.

[53:18] That's some good tips.

[53:19] But I would say, look, there's so many more bad, bad movies than good, bad movies.

[53:23] You just got to be ready for a bad, bad movie and take what comes.

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] That's part of the fun, is that when you find that rare, amazing gem, you feel so good.

[53:32] It's such a rush.

[53:33] Let me tell you, though.

[53:34] It's like pulling a bank job wearing a president's mask or something.

Dan McCoy

[53:38] One last tip, though.

[53:40] If it's a movie about a rock and roll band fighting some sort of supernatural force, that's

[53:48] usually a good sign.

[53:49] That's probably pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[53:50] And if it's about twin bodybuilders who babysit twin rich kids, then it's a good sign.

Dan McCoy

[53:55] So this next email is titled, Get Over Yourself, Elliot.

[53:59] Whoa.

[54:00] And it goes like this.

Stuart Wellington

[54:02] By David, last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[54:04] Wow.

[54:04] I had no idea that, quote, Leo G. Mayer was a founding member of MGM Studios.

Stuart Wellington

[54:09] This was pointed out on the Facebook page.

Dan McCoy

[54:11] Since film school, I've been under the misguided impression that Louis B. Mayer was actually

[54:15] that fellow's name.

[54:16] Good thing Dan had the great white pedant present on the Red Dawn episode.

[54:20] Sorry, great white pedant present on the Red Dawn episode to arrogantly correct his minor

[54:25] mistake in calling the studio Metro Golden Mail with an equally egregious piece of misinformation.

[54:31] No, it was a half-truth.

[54:32] By the way, Dan, good luck and God bless with that knee, bro.

[54:35] Yours in floppitude, Cuffy, last name withheld.

[54:37] Well, thank you, Cuffy.

[54:38] Cuffy?

[54:38] Cuffy.

Elliott Kalan

[54:39] So it's like a cartoon dog writing in to correct me about things?

Dan McCoy

[54:43] He's the baby version of Cuffs from the film with the same name.

[54:46] Honestly.

[54:47] First off, that's a great idea.

Elliott Kalan

[54:49] Baby Cuffs?

[54:49] You wouldn't call it Lil Cuffs?

[54:51] Lil Cuffs.

[54:51] Cuff babies?

[54:52] Yeah.

[54:53] Now, you're right.

[54:54] You got me totally dead to rights.

[54:55] I got Louis V. Mayer's name wrong.

[54:56] You got me straight tripping, boo.

[54:58] Boo, I've been straight tripping ever since.

[55:01] My only explanation could be, hey, we're none of us perfect.

[55:04] I'm as much a hypocrite as anybody.

[55:05] And two, we had just watched Red Dawn, I believe, which had scrambled my brains with its

[55:10] boringness.

[55:11] So I desperately hoped a man named Leo G. Mayer had existed.

Dan McCoy

[55:15] This next one is titled Head of the Family Fan Review.

[55:20] After a lot of soul searching.

[55:22] Did Stuart write this?

[55:23] After a lot of soul searching and repeated bubble clouds above my head of Stuart sternly

[55:27] looking down at me, I finally watched the head of the family.

[55:31] The opening scene, which was a still frame of a house with oddly timed Home Alone music

[55:34] lasting about seven minutes, started putting up some warning flags for me until I met lead

[55:40] character Lance.

Elliott Kalan

[55:41] What does Home Alone music sound like?

Stuart Wellington

[55:43] Lance?

[55:44] I totally hear it in my head right now.

Dan McCoy

[55:46] Lance, the obvious character inspiration for what would later be called Joe Dirt, with a

[55:50] mix of entrepreneurial exuberance and earnest naivete would ultimately lead him to drop kicking

[55:56] a gigantic head down a flight of stairs at the end of the movie.

[55:59] Oh no, he messed with the head.

[56:00] Bar none, my favorite scene.

[56:03] Lance's charming use of the word retard, his penchant for silk pajamas, his incredible flowing

[56:09] hair wig, his belief that real money is in flammable shit, and the fact that most of his casual

[56:16] talk and marriage proposals happen during stockroom sex easily make him my favorite character.

[56:21] His real feelings for Loretta are intimately revealed to us when he describes that being

[56:26] with her is like, quote, fucking a firecracker.

Stuart Wellington

[56:30] My only real criticism of the movie is that the head's family members are supposed to have

Dan McCoy

[56:40] some sort of superpowers, but I'm pretty sure that Otis's indiscriminate punching of receptionists

[56:45] don't qualify.

[56:47] I'm also thinking of the guy with the huge eyes.

[56:49] I'm thinking that the guy with the huge eyes just had thyroid problems, and Ernest Unia's

[56:54] superpower just seems to be hot.

[56:56] In summary, I give it a good, good review.

Elliott Kalan

[56:58] What real life superpower there is.

Dan McCoy

[56:59] Yeah.

[57:00] Mostly for the generous dose of gratuitous nudity, and I plan on riding to Hollywood to request

[57:04] that the sequel actually be Pirates of the Caribbean-style Disney ride of the Head's

[57:08] Dungeon.

[57:09] Sincerely, Carson, last name withheld, you weirdos.

Stuart Wellington

[57:13] Daly.

[57:14] It was Carson Daly.

[57:14] Wow.

[57:15] Well, thanks.

[57:17] I feel vindicated a little bit, you know?

[57:20] Yeah, I mean...

[57:21] Like, somebody's finally...

[57:23] Somebody finally liked a movie recommended.

[57:26] I don't get emails yelling at me, trying to tear me down.

[57:31] I'm a lot like King Kong in that regard, you know?

[57:33] Like, I'm up there, and I'm just flying so high, you know?

[57:36] Yeah.

[57:37] Like, King Kong was flying.

Elliott Kalan

[57:38] Yeah, nothing can go wrong.

[57:39] King Kong's got nothing on you, Stuart.

[57:42] So, in training day, was he...

[57:44] His backstory was that he used to work with King Kong, and they had a fight or something?

[57:47] So, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:50] He's a...

[57:51] I know King Kong.

[57:52] In comparison to King Kong.

[57:53] King Kong was a friend of mine.

[57:56] And you, sir, are King Kong.

[57:58] This last letter is titled, Greetings from Australia.

[58:03] And it's from...

[58:04] Good day.

[58:04] Good day from Australia, yeah.

[58:06] It's from Tom Cushing.

[58:08] First off, no, I'm not related to him, but I did like him in The Hound of the Baskervilles.

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] Secondly, kudos on your fine podcast.

[58:14] He knew exactly what I was going to ask.

Dan McCoy

[58:16] I recently discovered it via a certain hipster review site, and have started working my way

[58:21] through your entire back catalog.

[58:23] Unfortunately, this gorging...

[58:25] Brooklyn Vegan?

Elliott Kalan

[58:26] I'm assuming it's going to be called MustacheBicycle.com.

[58:28] Shit.

Dan McCoy

[58:29] Unfortunately, this gorging has left me with a slight problem.

[58:32] I'm very sensitive to accidentally picking up other people's mannerisms and accents, and

[58:36] my recent sojourn...

Elliott Kalan

[58:37] They call me a bit of a chameleon.

Dan McCoy

[58:41] Let's play a little game.

Elliott Kalan

[58:42] I will become you, and it will take your life.

Dan McCoy

[58:45] My recent sojourn at Flopper Island seems to have rewired some of my neural pathways.

Elliott Kalan

[58:50] Uh-oh!

Dan McCoy

[58:50] So when I was in a car directing my...

[58:53] Uh-oh, kid.

[58:54] He's back!

[58:54] Uh-oh, kid!

[58:56] The less popular sound effect character.

Elliott Kalan

[59:00] Rawr!

[59:01] Whoa!

Dan McCoy

[59:02] It's an embarrassment of riches, guys.

[59:05] Yeah, why is Rich so embarrassed?

[59:07] So he says, uh, when I was in a car directing my friend home recently, instead of simply saying...

Elliott Kalan

[59:13] What side of the road are they right on over there?

Dan McCoy

[59:15] Uh, the middle.

[59:16] Jesus Christ.

[59:16] Continue.

[59:17] Come on, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[59:18] Upside...

[59:18] The underside.

Dan McCoy

[59:20] Like, all I know is they are in spiky trucks fighting each other for gas down there.

[59:24] Yeah, yeah.

[59:25] Precious juice.

Elliott Kalan

[59:27] Motorcycles, wrist-mounted crossbows, and what have you.

[59:31] He says, when I was in...

[59:32] Humonguy.

Stuart Wellington

[59:35] Humonguy and precious juice are two film projects I'm working on right now.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] I think a lot of Ayatollahs are rock and roller down there.

[59:41] Yeah.

[59:41] Continue.

Dan McCoy

[59:42] So when I was in a car directing my friend home recently, instead of simply saying,

[59:45] take Yellow Road on the left, as I intended, I instead made a series of rapid-fire references.

Elliott Kalan

[59:50] Take the Yellow Road where they drive...

[59:51] Oh, it was Oz, I guess.

[59:53] Yeah.

[59:53] Never mind.

[59:53] All checks out.

Dan McCoy

[59:54] I instead made it a series of rapid-fire references from singing a few bars of The Wiz,

[59:59] segueing into Pinball Wizard by The Who, and finishing with a one-man version of Who's

[1:00:04] on First and my best impersonation of Keith Moon.

[1:00:06] When I came out of my pop culture fever...

[1:00:08] He means Evan Costello.

[1:00:09] My friend was confused and we were terribly lost.

[1:00:12] I guess what I'm trying to say is, do you know how to get from Footscray to Brunswick?

[1:00:17] I'm cold and we've run out of fuel.

[1:00:18] Cheers.

[1:00:19] P.S.

[1:00:20] Go Team Kalen.

[1:00:21] P.P.S.

[1:00:22] Seriously.

[1:00:23] My situation is looking dire.

[1:00:24] Dire Hard with a Vengeance.

[1:00:26] Lady Vengeance.

[1:00:27] Fuck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:27] Oh, no.

[1:00:28] Oh, no.

[1:00:29] He's caught flopitis.

[1:00:30] Yeah.

[1:00:30] It's when you name things that are kind of half-related to other things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:34] No matter how dire your situation, you still make references to the point of dying, I suppose.

[1:00:40] Yeah.

[1:00:40] A good day to die hard with a reference.

[1:00:42] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:44] So, we've gone...

[1:00:45] I don't know where those places are or how to get between them.

[1:00:49] No, we've just...

[1:00:49] But thanks for the letters, everybody.

[1:00:50] What's wrong, Dan?

[1:00:51] I'm just...

[1:00:52] I'm worried we've gone super late.

[1:00:55] Your hair is looking crazy right now.

[1:00:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:58] Should we move on to the next segment rather than McCoy and Wellington hair talk?

[1:01:02] Because I know what happens next is you do just brushing your fingers through each other's hair.

[1:01:06] I think I know what our audience wants.

[1:01:08] Yeah, social grooming.

[1:01:09] And it's descriptions of our hair.

[1:01:11] I want to thank everyone who wrote in.

[1:01:12] Thanks for the great letters.

[1:01:13] Even the one correcting me.

[1:01:14] Because you know what?

[1:01:15] I've got to stay humble.

[1:01:17] Keep you honest, you know.

[1:01:18] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:18] This is our last segment of the evening.

[1:01:21] And it's the one in which we recommend movies that we saw that we actually liked.

[1:01:25] Stuart, what do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:26] Sure.

[1:01:27] So, if you were considering watching A Good Day to Die Hard, stop.

[1:01:32] Put down your...

[1:01:33] Drop.

[1:01:33] I don't...

[1:01:34] Collaborate and listen.

[1:01:36] So, instead of doing that, you should watch one of three different movies.

[1:01:41] You should either go watch Die Hard, the original, which would be...

[1:01:46] Called Die Hard.

[1:01:48] Starring Steven Seagal as Casey Ryback.

[1:01:51] No.

[1:01:52] So, if you like Under Siege in outer space, you should watch the movie Lockout, a.k.a. Space Jam.

[1:01:58] You should watch Lockout.

[1:01:58] It's fantastic.

[1:01:59] So, or if you're looking for the movie Under Siege but set in a hockey rink, you should watch Sudden Death.

[1:02:06] Starring JCVD.

[1:02:08] John Claude Van Damme.

[1:02:08] Starring JCVD where he does actually get on the ice and play a little goalie.

[1:02:13] So, watch Under Siege.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:16] I'm going to recommend a film called Twilight's Last Gleaming.

[1:02:20] Directed by Robert Aldrich, whom you may know from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.

[1:02:26] You may know from The Dirty Dozen or my favorite movie of his, Kiss Me Deadly.

[1:02:31] He also did the original Flight of the Phoenix.

[1:02:33] Yeah.

[1:02:33] I mean, he was a great director of hard-boiled films.

[1:02:38] Mm-hmm.

[1:02:39] But...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:39] He didn't direct hard-boiled.

[1:02:40] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:41] Twilight's Last Gleaming is...

[1:02:42] That's the one with the babies, right?

[1:02:44] That's baby geniuses.

[1:02:46] It's maybe a second or third tier film from him, but it's an entertaining one.

[1:02:52] It has Burt Lancaster as a disgraced military captain who takes over a nuclear silo and threatens to start World War III unless the government reveals the real reason that we got into Vietnam.

[1:03:06] Mm-hmm.

[1:03:07] And it has a lot of great character actors like Charles Durning and Burt Young.

[1:03:12] Joseph Cotton's in it.

[1:03:13] And old Joseph Cotton's in it.

[1:03:15] And it's an entertaining 1977 political thriller.

[1:03:19] And it's got a lot of use of split screens, which you don't see that much outside of a Brian De Palma movie anymore.

[1:03:26] But he does it very well.

[1:03:27] So that's what I recommend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:29] I'm going to recommend...

[1:03:30] So what I kind of wanted out of A Good Day to Die Hard was kind of a sleazy action movie, and what we got was kind of a dull action movie.

[1:03:35] So I'm going to recommend one of the sleazier action movies I've watched in the last couple months, and that would be Full Contact, starring Chow Yun-Fat, directed by Ringo Lam.

[1:03:45] And this is your classic early 90s Hong Kong action movie in that everybody's yelling at each other, and there's a lot of dry ice smoke everywhere, and people just shooting each other for no reason.

[1:03:56] Your basic story, a guy's friend gets in trouble with the mob, so the guy, Chow Yun-Fat, has to help him.

[1:04:03] Lots of mayhem ensues, and there's a shootout in which, for no reason, you start getting bullet's eye views of the shots, and even when they ricochet off of things, there's sparks right in your face.

[1:04:15] Anyway, it's a crazy sleazy action movie with there's, you know, the henchmen include a sexy lady who is constantly horny,

[1:04:24] and while they're about to run a heist, and she's in a car with Chow Yun-Fat, she just starts masturbating, basically.

[1:04:30] All right.

[1:04:31] While they're waiting for the heist to start.

[1:04:33] It is a ridiculously sleazy movie with some good action scenes in it.

[1:04:36] Dan's already queuing it up on Netflix.

[1:04:38] So, Full Contact, if you want action and sleaze.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:43] So, guys, thank you for coming over to my apartment and sitting in this un-air-conditioned room for an hour.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:49] Yeah, it's really hot.

[1:04:50] In fact, I should probably take these clothes off.

[1:04:52] Speaking of Full Contact.

[1:04:54] Stuart.

[1:04:55] Fan fiction, start your engines.

[1:04:58] Just kidding.

[1:04:58] We're going to leave now.

[1:05:01] Leave our pants.

[1:05:02] No, don't continue it.

[1:05:05] So, where the flop are you talking about?

[1:05:07] Where we're going, we won't need pants.

[1:05:10] Claws out eyes.

[1:05:11] That's from the porn sequel, Cock to the Future.

[1:05:15] We like clawing out eyes.

[1:05:16] It's not Event Horizon.

[1:05:18] Event Cock Horizon.

[1:05:21] Event Horizon.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:23] I like it.

[1:05:24] I like it.

[1:05:24] Thank you again for tuning in to the Flophouse for all your nonsense needs.

[1:05:28] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:31] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:05:32] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:05:34] Good night, everyone.

[1:05:35] Boom.

[1:05:36] In the can.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:44] The way you wear your hat.

[1:05:47] You're not wearing a hat.

[1:05:48] The way you sip your tea.

[1:05:50] No one's drinking tea.

[1:05:50] The memory of all that.

[1:05:53] The TV show on that?

[1:05:54] Oh, no.

[1:05:55] They can't take that away from me.

[1:05:57] They can with a lobotomy.

[1:05:59] The way your smile just gleams.

[1:06:01] Not smiling.

[1:06:02] The way you sing off key.

[1:06:04] Yes, that's true.

[1:06:05] Alex wants me to put it up.

[1:06:05] The way you haunt my dreams.

[1:06:07] Because I'm a ghost.

[1:06:08] Oh, no.

[1:06:09] They can't take that away from me.

[1:06:11] Because you wronged me, Dan.

[1:06:13] No, they can't take that away from me.

[1:06:19] That's the end.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:20] Yeah.

[1:06:20] Thank you.

[1:06:21] Thankfully.

[1:06:21] Yeah.

The Flop House: Episode #129 - A Good Day to Die Hard

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