The Flop House: Episode #129 - A Good Day to Die Hard

[0:00] Old cops never die hard, they just fade away.

[0:03] In this episode, we discuss a good day to die hard.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] So, guys, how you been?

[0:38] No, you gotta say your name.

[0:39] No, no.

[0:40] What a day I've had.

[0:42] No, who are you?

[0:43] Wait a minute. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:46] There we go. And right over here, who am I? Elliot Kalin, your humble narrator.

[0:51] How you guys doing?

[0:52] As Stuart, Dan, and Elliot sat down to record tonight's podcast,

[0:55] Oh, boy.

[0:56] There was an eerie mystery in the air.

[0:58] The mystery of the punctured clock.

[1:00] I don't know.

[1:01] With clues that would take them all the way to the dreary docks.

[1:05] Where old man McBarnacle would tell them the story of the mystery of the random rock.

[1:11] It would take them all the way to City Hall for the mystery of the missing file.

[1:18] Where they would talk to Mayor McCheese for the mystery of the high cholesterol.

[1:24] Somebody call Alfred Hitchcock's The Three Investigators.

[1:26] Am I right, guys?

[1:27] Nope.

[1:28] That mystery of the lame reference.

[1:31] A Dan McClure mystery.

[1:34] Case closed.

[1:38] So, as you were saying.

[1:41] This is the Flophouse.

[1:42] We talk about mysteries?

[1:43] No.

[1:44] Tonight the mystery is a movie.

[1:46] What happened to the Die Hard franchise?

[1:48] Because this is a bad movie podcast, and tonight we watched A Good Day.

[1:54] What does that mean, a bad movie podcast?

[1:55] What's a bad movie?

[1:56] Do we make a bad movie every episode?

[1:58] Bad poop, is that what you were going to say?

[2:01] Let's make fun of Ellie for a while for misspeaking.

[2:04] Ah, hoist on my own petard.

[2:06] It happens so infrequently.

[2:07] And I'm sure I said the hoist petard phrase wrong,

[2:10] so everyone can correct me on that, too.

[2:11] No, this is a movie where we all watch a bad movie together.

[2:15] It's a movie where we do that?

[2:16] God damn it.

[2:18] This is a podcast where we watch a movie together,

[2:22] a bad one probably

[2:23] and then we talk

[2:24] about it afterwards

[2:25] and we saw another

[2:26] bad one tonight

[2:27] our record I think

[2:28] is

[2:28] is two and four hundred

[2:30] I think on movies

[2:31] we liked

[2:32] and bad ones

[2:32] spoiler alert

[2:33] I thought it was three

[2:34] I thought we liked

[2:35] Journey to the Mysterious Island

[2:36] oh what

[2:37] well I

[2:37] Bratz was the other one

[2:39] I mentioned

[2:39] yep and Sto-O

[2:40] oh yeah Sto-O

[2:41] and was pretty fun

[2:42] actually yeah

[2:43] so uh

[2:44] yeah we watched

[2:45] and you know what

[2:45] 12 rounds has its moments

[2:46] 10,000 BC

[2:47] terrible

[2:47] the worst

[2:48] seven pounds

[2:49] no good

[2:50] nah bad

[2:50] a good day to die hard

[2:52] We'll get to that

[2:53] We're about to find out

[2:54] So

[2:55] Dan what movie did we watch tonight?

[2:57] This is the latest

[2:57] In the Chronicles of John McClane

[2:59] Yep

[3:00] The McClane-icles

[3:02] So you may recall

[3:04] John McClane

[3:04] From Die Hard

[3:05] You may also recall him

[3:07] From Die Hard 2

[3:08] Die Harder

[3:09] There's

[3:10] Die Harder the Vengeance

[3:11] Number 3

[3:12] Die Harder the Vengeance

[3:13] And then there's

[3:13] What was it?

[3:15] Live Free or Die Hard

[3:16] A movie based on a license plate

[3:18] And so this is

[3:21] a good day to die hard.

[3:23] But it was actually a bad day to watch a movie.

[3:25] Boy.

[3:26] Thanks, Gene. Thank you, Gene Shallot.

[3:29] Yeah, that's the kind of thing

[3:31] you would say if you reviewed this movie.

[3:33] This is a regular Under Siege

[3:35] set in Russia. Thanks.

[3:37] John McClane is your typical

[3:39] Casey Reibach character. It's like

[3:41] Speed on a Russia.

[3:42] Yeah.

[3:45] It's like M. Night Shyamalan's

[3:47] Devil, but they're all in a

[3:49] Russia. You mean Elevator?

[3:51] It should have been called Hell of a...

[3:52] Devil in a Blue Russia?

[3:53] Yes, starring Denzel Washington.

[3:55] Is that the one where he's fighting a demon?

[3:58] No, that's Ascension, I think it's called.

[4:01] No, it's Fallen.

[4:02] Fallen.

[4:02] Look, I knew it was about vertical movement.

[4:04] About the demon that can jump from body to body.

[4:07] Similar to a Hell of a Vader.

[4:09] It sings a Rolling Stones song all the time.

[4:10] Devil in a Blue Dress was a period mystery.

[4:13] Based on the Walter Mosley series of Easy Rollins novels.

[4:17] The mystery was, what's a period?

[4:19] And Denzel Washington sat down with his mom and his mom explained it to him.

[4:22] Very embarrassing.

[4:23] Very awkward.

[4:24] It's kind of like a comma.

[4:26] So, Daniel.

[4:28] So, should we say what happens in this movie?

[4:31] Probably not.

[4:31] A good day to fly barred?

[4:33] Probably not, indeed.

[4:34] Probably not, indeed.

[4:36] Oh, boy.

[4:37] A good day to die hard.

[4:38] We open in Moscow, Russia, where a corrupt Russian official is incriminating a political prisoner named Komarov,

[4:46] who is some sort of government impersonator or something.

[4:51] Not at all.

[4:51] He's just a guy with a beard.

[4:52] Not everyone with a beard is a Billy Connolly impersonator.

[4:55] That's why around Christmas you think they're

[4:57] Billy Connolly's flooding the streets for goodwill.

[5:00] No, they're Santa's helpers, not Billy Connolly's helpers.

[5:03] Because I'm always asking him for head-of-the-class trivia.

[5:07] Sure.

[5:07] What's Arvid really like?

[5:09] Tell me what it was like to make Fido.

[5:11] What was it like to be robbed of your greatest gift,

[5:14] Your talkativeness, you know.

[5:16] Sure.

[5:17] Anyway.

[5:17] And so forth.

[5:18] This guy, Komarov, is going to get an unfair trial, but he's offered by Chagarin, the other guy.

[5:26] He says, if you hand over a secret file, I'll let you go.

[5:30] Bum, bum, bum.

[5:31] What's in this file?

[5:32] We don't know.

[5:33] Scratch cut.

[5:33] We're in New York where Jack McClane.

[5:36] No, no.

[5:36] John McClane.

[5:37] John McClane is in.

[5:38] Jesus Christ, come on.

[5:38] Oh, we've seen something before this.

[5:40] America's hero, John McClane.

[5:42] No, Jack McClane, John McClane's son, walks into a nightclub and shoots somebody and says that Komarov was involved or something.

[5:49] Meanwhile, John McClane, NYPD cop turned part-time superhero, full-time dad, except not.

[5:55] It turns out he's not a good dad, is in a shooting range where a friend of his, I guess, tells him that his son, Jack McClane, is in Russia on trial for murder and he should go get him, I guess.

[6:06] Where Officer Exposition shows up with a file.

[6:09] Esposito.

[6:10] And a plane ticket, probably.

[6:12] Or, I don't know, a train pass?

[6:15] It's hard to take a train to Russia from New York.

[6:17] If it was the World of Total Recall, the remake, it still probably wouldn't happen.

[6:23] The Corovator, yeah, from the colonies and the Empire England.

[6:27] I don't get that part.

[6:29] Anyway, he goes to Russia, where he meets a friendly cab driver who sings a little bit to him

[6:34] in the best and only enjoyable scene in the movie, for the most part.

[6:39] It made me realize, more than an action movie, I think I would have liked to have seen a movie about Bruce Willis as an aging American cop, literally on vacation in Russia, just interacting with Russians and kind of getting mixed up.

[6:53] Sort of a reel before sunset type thing.

[6:56] Yeah, exactly.

[6:57] Like a reverse Moscow and the Hudson kind of deal.

[6:59] Yeah, Hudson on the Moscow.

[7:00] The exact opposite.

[7:02] He goes to Russia to start his own police force.

[7:05] he defects and there's hilarious mishaps because he's a lovable old new york character oh that

[7:10] sounds pretty good like a police academy goes to moscow yeah they did that though oh it's called

[7:14] mission to moscow oh wait a little moscow nights no it wasn't moscow nights was it white nights

[7:19] no and it was not many in moscow it's either was it night riders george romero's uh retelling of

[7:24] the arthurian legend on motorcycles no it was not that okay neither was it night in the city

[7:29] this is weird that i asked you night of the demons whether it was that thing

[7:32] He knew what it was.

[7:33] I told you what the plot of that was.

[7:34] It wasn't First Night with Sean Connery.

[7:36] It wasn't Dragon Night.

[7:37] All right.

[7:38] None of those things.

[7:40] So we know what it wasn't.

[7:41] Tales from the Crypt's Demon Night.

[7:43] It was not.

[7:44] Neither was it Wardello of Blood.

[7:45] See, we're like the carver who chips away everything in the marble that's not an elephant, you know?

[7:50] We're telling you what good days there are.

[7:52] Why is there an elephant inside that marble?

[7:54] What madman is encasing elephants in marble, killing them?

[7:56] First off, they're called manics.

[7:58] No, those are mammoths, not elephants.

[8:02] That the one thing we remember about 10,000 B.C. is what they call mammoths in it.

[8:07] You're going to need to draw me a sketch on that piece of paper that's in front of you.

[8:10] No, it's necessary for later.

[8:12] Anyway, John McClane goes to Russia.

[8:14] He goes to the courthouse where his son is about to go on trial.

[8:16] His son is going to turn state's evidence to get off the charges against this guy, Komarov.

[8:23] But, uh-oh, there's a terrorist attack on the courthouse.

[8:27] It seems like dozens of people are killed.

[8:30] They're going to try to kidnap Komarov and Jack McClane, but they've already escaped.

[8:34] And John McClane's like, not again, not again.

[8:37] And he keeps saying, I'm on my vacation, which he's not.

[8:40] He went there expressly to get his son, who's mixed up with some sort of criminal stuff.

[8:44] Technically, he's probably using vacation days to do it.

[8:46] I would think so, but that doesn't make it a vacation.

[8:48] It's a working vacation, let's say.

[8:49] He wasn't going to relax in sunny Russia.

[8:51] It's the same way, like, if you took vacation days off to take care of, like, a sick parent,

[8:56] you wouldn't be like, oh, it's my vacation.

[8:59] Like you have a purpose that you're doing.

[9:00] Shut up about your ventilator, Dad.

[9:02] It's like if Richard Grieco...

[9:03] I'm on a break.

[9:04] It's like if Richard Grieco in If Looks Could Kill kept calling that a vacation when, in fact, he was on a school trip, right?

[9:10] Exactly.

[9:10] Well, it was kind of a school vacation.

[9:12] Man, what if we watched If Looks Could Kill?

[9:16] The point is, Linda Hunt had a necklace that was a whip.

[9:18] And there were x-ray glasses that could see through ladies' clothes.

[9:22] Sure.

[9:23] and one of those ladies whose clothes he got seen through

[9:26] gets shot by a missile launcher and is totally roasted.

[9:29] A movie built for 13-year-old boys.

[9:33] Yep, and speaking of which, A Good Day to Die Hard.

[9:36] Starring a 30-year-old teenager played by Richard Griegan.

[9:39] Not actually Greek.

[9:40] Not actually Richard.

[9:43] John McClane is running around, and he runs into his son,

[9:46] and he says, Jack.

[9:47] And Jack's like, Dad?

[9:48] And he's like, get away from here.

[9:51] And John McClane's like, what are you doing with your life?

[9:53] I'm here to save you.

[9:54] And he's like, I don't need you, blah, blah, blah.

[9:55] They get into a big...

[9:57] And he points a gun at his dad.

[9:58] He points a gun at his dad and says, Dad, back off.

[10:00] He drives away with Komarov, the bearded old man.

[10:03] So they're in a truck, Jack McClane and Komarov, being chased by the bad guys in some kind

[10:08] of military megaforce super truck.

[10:11] And then behind that is John McClane in a series of vehicles that he steals from people.

[10:15] Yeah.

[10:16] Yeah, he like punches out a civilian at one point who's like angry at him because he's

[10:22] crashed into his car or something, and he's talking

[10:24] in Russian, and John McClane's just like,

[10:25] I don't understand you, and punches him and takes

[10:28] his car. All caught on dashboard cam.

[10:30] If this was a satire, it would be a trenchant

[10:32] one about how America deals with

[10:34] the rest of the world. I don't understand you.

[10:35] Punch to the face. Instead, it's this dumb,

[10:38] stupid, diehard movie. Yeah, it's the

[10:40] part that is clearly in there for the audience to cheer.

[10:42] Yeah, I hit that rooski. Take that,

[10:43] commie. There's so much

[10:46] of this movie that would have... Stoop down a hammer and single up

[10:48] your tuchus. Oh, is the Jewish

[10:50] guys say this? There's so much

[10:52] in this movie that would have made sense if the movie

[10:54] was made in 1987.

[10:55] Like, if this was

[10:57] an Arnold Schwarzenegger, you know,

[10:59] Dolph Lundgren type movie.

[11:01] Or Dolph Lundgren plays Arnold Schwarzenegger's son.

[11:03] Yeah, even though they're roughly

[11:05] the same age. Really?

[11:07] Arnold Schwarzenegger's not that much older than Dolph Lundgren.

[11:09] But Dolph Lundgren hasn't aged at all. He looks great now, right?

[11:11] He's aged very poorly.

[11:13] Now, so they get on this long car chase

[11:16] that takes about a hundred minutes,

[11:17] and they smash a billion

[11:20] cars russia is just moscow is laid waste they're destroying the streets cars are crashing for no

[11:25] reason they're jumping off of overpasses onto cars it's not a single police officer or agent

[11:31] of the government in sight no not the whole time you would think that right that russia was just

[11:35] this lawless wasteland that you might moscow might as well be barter town for the amount of law that

[11:41] comes yeah it feels like they decided to set this movie in moscow because they couldn't think of a

[11:45] crime riddled or like lawless uh yet super populated city in america to do it in yeah it

[11:52] was yeah they could like detroit's not quite bad enough yet well detroit's a very wasteland now

[11:56] yeah that's true yeah we gotta wait till robocop era to yeah that's true what if we were watching

[12:01] robocop wouldn't that have been great tonight why can i not remember the place where wolverine

[12:06] would go where he was patch madripoor madripoor so it's like if they went to they're like madripoor

[12:11] doesn't exist a place where the only local industry is crime so i guess we'll go to moscow instead

[12:16] anyway i'm glad you remembered madripoor uh so they eventually john mclean catches up with them

[12:23] uh after leading everyone on a merry chase and it turns out that jack mclean his son

[12:29] not the criminal that john mclean feared he was he's actually an undercover cia officer

[12:35] Who's been working with his partner

[12:37] Cole Hauser

[12:38] For like two seconds

[12:40] Well to get Komarov out

[12:41] Because Komarov has this magic file that everybody wants

[12:44] With some kind of secret information

[12:47] That apparently will either give them the goods

[12:49] On the bad guy in the government

[12:51] Or it'll help them find nuclear missiles or something

[12:53] Project MacGuffin

[12:54] Yeah it is very much Project MacGuffin

[12:56] Unfortunately

[12:57] Not Project X

[12:59] No there's no chimps in this movie

[13:01] Or a party thrown at a house by high schoolers

[13:04] Or chimps throwing a party at a house

[13:07] Now we're talking

[13:08] When the chimp parents are out of town

[13:09] We call it Project X-Squared

[13:10] That's the sequel

[13:12] Hollywood, get on it

[13:14] No, Hollywood, pay us money and we'll get on it

[13:16] $700,000, please

[13:18] It's the going rate for our scripts

[13:19] Yeah, we have an infrastructure set up for making that kind of a movie

[13:22] An infrastructure, yep

[13:25] We'll just put it under our house cat productions stamp

[13:28] Yeah, we are a corporation now

[13:30] Anyway, people don't know about that

[13:31] But anyway, their CIA safe house is breached and attacked by the bad guys.

[13:37] Kohlhauser is shot in the forehead.

[13:38] Immediately destroyed.

[13:39] Just in time.

[13:40] The first time a bad guy shoots a good guy in the entire, well, only time, spoiler alert, in the entire movie.

[13:45] I wish that Kohlhauser had then gotten up with a bullet in his head, put his hand out, the director put a check in his hand, and then Kohlhauser walked off the set.

[13:53] This would have been a better movie if that happened.

[13:55] Bruce Willis and his son are running around just dodging stuff, and Bruce Willis picks up a gun, shoots like 30 guys, and—

[14:03] They just keep running into his bullet stream.

[14:05] Yeah, and Komarov, the guy they're trying to protect, who the CIA want to bring out of the country because he knows where this magic dossier is that has MacGuffin stuff in it, he gets shot in the arm.

[14:16] And let me tell you, this movie could have used a real shot in the arm.

[14:19] Yeah, thank you.

[14:19] Anyway—

[14:20] Count it.

[14:21] Count it, guys.

[14:23] Anyway—

[14:23] Put on your abacus.

[14:24] they escape and they put that in the bank and kamarov calls his daughter and said he says i

[14:28] have to i'm not leaving to go to america unless my daughter comes with me and it's like all right

[14:33] we'll meet after you after you see that daughter you understand you understand because vava voom

[14:37] she's a russian bombshell uh she's a regular she's a regular babovich

[14:43] hot ski babovich now uh the she we've seen the problem is when we see her they meet her up up

[14:51] with her at this abandoned ballroom in a hotel or something and we recognize her she was involved

[14:57] with the bad guys in the beginning but the good guys don't know that she comes over she says

[15:02] where's the file and he goes i've got like the key to the file here he's hidden it behind a radiator

[15:08] in this ballroom and bruce willis knows something's up he's like hey hold on a second there's a lot of

[15:13] traffic in moscow this is something you learned earlier i learned i learned that an hour ago from

[15:17] From this cab driver who sang to me.

[15:20] This cab driver who sang Frank Sinatra songs to me in the only good scene in the movie.

[15:23] And she's like, uh, uh, uh.

[15:26] Suddenly bad guys show up.

[15:27] Turns out the daughter is in cahoots.

[15:30] And she puts a gun to her own father's head.

[15:33] Totally a big surprise, right?

[15:35] And he's like, why are you doing this?

[15:36] And she goes, for millions of dollars or something.

[15:38] Now, John McClane and Jack McClane.

[15:41] Because I'm a hot lady.

[15:42] I'm a hot Russian lady.

[15:43] That means I'm a villain.

[15:44] Treacherous.

[15:45] John McClane and Jack...

[15:46] Yeah, she's basically the Baroness from G.I. Joe.

[15:48] Yep.

[15:49] Or Natasha from Rocking Bullwinkle.

[15:53] She's a little sexier than Natasha.

[15:55] She's basically...

[15:56] I don't know, Elliot.

[15:57] She's basically...

[15:58] You're saying she's sexier than Natasha from Rocking Bullwinkle?

[16:01] This is a weird fetish I never knew you had.

[16:03] I do not know.

[16:03] This two-dimensional, weird-looking Russian spy fetish.

[16:08] Very modern cartooning style.

[16:10] Yeah, I don't know.

[16:11] She's Xenia on a top from Goldeneye, basically.

[16:14] Now, it turns out John McClane and Jack McClane have some daddy issues, father-son issues.

[16:20] John McClane was never there for his son.

[16:22] This seems to be the root of their problem is that he was working too much when Jack was growing up,

[16:28] which is weird since earlier we see John McClane's daughter drive him to the airport to go to Russia,

[16:32] and they seem to have a great relationship.

[16:33] Did they patch it up in the last movie?

[16:36] Yeah, that was what he plans to call it.

[16:38] Once again, he was working too much, and then he saved it from terrorists, and then they're a good family again.

[16:43] Oh, okay.

[16:43] So that's all...

[16:44] If you're a deadbeat dad,

[16:45] that's all you have to do

[16:46] is save your child from terrorists.

[16:47] Just kill, like, a shitload of dudes.

[16:49] Yeah.

[16:50] Does Kevin Smith die in that?

[16:51] Well, I mean, like, they gotta be...

[16:52] They specifically have to be terrorists.

[16:54] They have to be terrorists.

[16:55] You can't just go on a murder spree.

[16:57] There are deadbeat dads

[16:59] who have tried to make it good

[17:01] by just killing a bunch of random people,

[17:02] and that does not work.

[17:03] Sounds like the first episode of Hannibal,

[17:04] am I right?

[17:05] No, that doesn't...

[17:05] Hey-oh, good one.

[17:06] High five.

[17:07] Topical reference.

[17:08] Very much like the first episode of Hannibal.

[17:11] A show about a cannibal.

[17:13] not a cannibal but so much more i like to imagine there's a scene where cannibal is

[17:19] pushing his shopping cart through the grocery store and he sees on the shelf a man which

[17:24] he goes if only if only you lived up to the name that's for season two when it's scripted by the

[17:31] dexter writing dude when he starts complaining about his dark passenger i thought i thought

[17:37] you were gonna say like he like goes through and he's like and uh he's got a bunch of vegetables

[17:42] is in his cart

[17:43] and he's like

[17:44] oh one of the people there

[17:45] is like oh what are you making

[17:45] he's like oh I'm gonna make

[17:46] a bolognese sauce

[17:47] he's like well you need

[17:48] some meat for that

[17:49] he's like

[17:49] I'll get my meat

[17:51] somewhere else

[17:52] and then he's

[17:53] and he winks at the camera

[17:54] he hits that person

[17:55] with a crowbar

[17:55] and puts them in his cart

[17:57] but here's another idea

[17:59] for a promo for Hannibal

[17:59] Hannibal is pushing

[18:01] and it comes up

[18:03] human meat

[18:04] $1.40 a pound

[18:06] which is a race price

[18:07] are you saving this

[18:07] yeah

[18:08] you better save this

[18:09] and send it to NBC

[18:10] because NBC is gonna steal it

[18:11] The National Bramcasting Organization is going to steal it.

[18:14] I'm going to take this podcast, I'm going to put it in a postmarked envelope,

[18:18] and I'm going to mail it to myself.

[18:19] That's a good idea.

[18:20] That's a good idea.

[18:21] And then it's like you got a present from an admirer.

[18:23] You open it up in the office.

[18:26] Seal it with a kiss.

[18:27] You open it up in the office, and it's a letter to you from you

[18:30] with lipstick kisses all over, and you've sprayed perfume on it.

[18:33] Someone has an admirer.

[18:35] Dan, this letter is from you.

[18:37] You signed it from you, Dan.

[18:38] Ooh, you're just jealous.

[18:41] Flower delivery? Flowers from an admirer?

[18:44] He knew he needed a pick-me-up, dude.

[18:45] It makes sense.

[18:46] Sometimes you've got to treat yourself.

[18:48] Here's my other idea for a Hannibal promo.

[18:50] He's pushing a cart through the grocery store.

[18:52] He goes to the butcher counter, and he says,

[18:54] I'll take 10 pounds, and then the camera pans over.

[18:58] The butcher is cutting up human parts.

[19:00] Mads Mikkelsen looks at the camera, winks.

[19:02] Then it shows him waking up from sleep and looks at the camera and goes,

[19:05] If only.

[19:06] Sure.

[19:07] Only in my dreams.

[19:09] cannibal thursdays at nine he's a cannibal get it mad about mads

[19:17] anyway yeah let's get the hashtag trending people mad about mad about mad hashtag why isn't it

[19:24] happening i want at the top of the trending right underneath the sponsor trend from m&m that's like

[19:29] hashtag melts in your hands and you name things that melt in your hands that are not m&ms you

[19:35] know like uh ice or what uh like boners i guess pound of boners pound of boners that's wait wait

[19:43] no i can do it do better ice boners yeah boner shaped and icy boner anyway don't even talk about

[19:52] that so good day to die hard john mccain and jack mcclain don't have a great issue john i would love

[19:57] that john mccain and jack mccain me john mccain finished the dang movie i crashed here in russia

[20:06] classic flop house impressions i be john mccain arizona senate

[20:13] i ran for the presidency of these united states i be john mccain

[20:21] captain mccain anyway so john mcclain and jack mcclain don't have a great relationship they're

[20:28] working out their issues they bicker a lot but that bickering doesn't stop them from teaming up

[20:33] to pull the fast one on the russian main henchman who is one of these flamboyant villain henchmen

[20:39] you see he starts dancing for no reason his henchmen all have crazy haircuts and one of

[20:47] looks like demolition looks like wesley snipes and demolition man yeah simon phoenix yeah

[20:52] i forgot his name simon phoenix uh he keeps saying simon says before he kills people i thought

[20:59] simon says die oh that's right but he doesn't go phoenix says no that's what he has in common with

[21:04] the third diehard movie simon says yeah yeah brings it all back around to diehard anyway

[21:11] the heroes out with the bad guys they shoot them all they get attacked by a helicopter gunship

[21:16] which happens a lot in this movie but helicopters are super exciting still that's true and uh it's

[21:23] just like the scene in star trek into darkness where where uh cumberbatch uses a uh spoiler alert

[21:29] spoiler uses a helicopter a futuristic helicopter gunship a hovercopter a hovercopter laser ship

[21:35] although it's shooting bullets i think but uh anyway the most exciting part of this action

[21:41] sequence involving a helicopter and people crashing through a construction site and jumping

[21:46] through windows is when the villainess is running towards the helicopter and the wind from the

[21:52] rotor blades is blowing up her dress so you can see the top of her tights of her stockings yeah

[21:57] that is the most i guess i think we can all agree that that glimpse of the top of her stockings is

[22:01] the most exciting part of that scene and i'm a perv as well ladies and gentlemen exhibit a this

[22:05] is an example of how unexciting the scene is yeah stewart is pouring something from a flask into a

[22:12] glass but it sounds like he's peeing and he's got a he's got a hammer and sickle flask and very

[22:18] appropriate uh trying to screw this on why didn't you use that during the red dot episode he's

[22:22] putting he's pouring vodka from a hammer and sickle flask into his his glass and here comes

[22:28] the schweppes the movie was in russia guys did you did you theme your drink specifically because

[22:33] of this sometimes sure today i did anyway so they dodged the machine gun round the mclean's escape

[22:40] they jump out of a building jump down a pipe or something john mclean says about 40 times i'm on

[22:45] vacation again because he's not uh and they find out that the bad guys are going to chernobyl

[22:51] bum bum bum that's exciting because that's where the file is probably going crazy they're trying

[22:56] to stop these flying helicopters shooting buildings nope don't see them massive car wrecks

[23:02] It appears to be a lawless wasteland.

[23:04] They are too busy, I assume, stopping bears from wandering the streets?

[23:08] There's something to do with graft, probably.

[23:09] There's probably a lot of shots of the people of Russia mourning the death of all their countrymen

[23:15] crushed by Bruce Willis' car-based rampage.

[23:18] Not at all.

[23:18] The people of Russia might as well be ants for all the worth their mortality is given

[23:24] in this, the fifth Die Hard movie.

[23:26] They are treated like the worst of computer player characters

[23:31] where they have no existence whatsoever.

[23:34] It gives you the impression that Russia is a land of buildings

[23:39] and self-driving cars and like a handful of bad guys.

[23:43] And as you put it in that car chase,

[23:47] it felt like it was like a car chase that was just trying to get people excited

[23:51] about the idea of a bigger car smashing into smaller cars.

[23:54] Like it's not actually exciting.

[23:57] Yeah, well, this was the car chase equivalent of the end of Bad Boys 2, where they just careen through a shanty town in Cuba, killing God knows how many people.

[24:08] Not even God knows.

[24:10] Even God couldn't count them in.

[24:11] Who cares? Because they're foreigners, so it doesn't matter.

[24:13] There are a couple moments in the car chase that are neat stunts, but yeah, it's not exciting, and you just keep thinking about all the people they're hurting.

[24:22] and every neat stunt they just they immediately cut in like five different ways so you don't

[24:27] actually get a full impact guys crash yeah guys it's all for the greater good of uh john mclean

[24:32] uh reconnecting with his son with his son yeah so they go to chernobyl all the bad guys are there

[24:38] they turn it turns out that bad guys no mutants though right no mutants this is unfortunately and

[24:44] the radiation seems to be very easily dispersible when they get to chernobyl they show up in

[24:49] radiation suits they open a door with their magic key and then they like what set up like bug zappers

[24:55] that get rid of radiation and suddenly it's okay this the most irradiated site i think on earth

[25:01] that humans have habitated you know and it's they're like whatever we'll just walk around

[25:06] i don't know no mutants here like there are a couple of dr manhattans or something

[25:10] a couple of doctors manhattan uh but it turns out uh-oh there was no magic file to begin with

[25:18] only crate after crate

[25:20] of weapons grade uranium

[25:22] which they can sell

[25:23] the worst kind of uranium

[25:24] for millions

[25:25] and the tap dancing guy

[25:28] is like

[25:28] where's the file

[25:29] you told me

[25:30] there'd be a file here

[25:31] and Komarov

[25:32] the bearded

[25:33] lovable guy

[25:34] that has been

[25:35] taken hostage

[25:36] yeah

[25:37] shoots that guy

[25:38] the henchman in the head

[25:39] turns out

[25:40] he was behind it

[25:42] the whole time

[25:43] so wait a minute

[25:44] and he's a villain

[25:45] and it turns

[25:45] and he shoots the guy

[25:47] and then goes

[25:47] like that and dan pointed out that now that he knows he's a villain he has to ham it up

[25:52] before the character thought he was a kindly old man so he didn't ham it up now okay so this guy's

[25:57] plan was i guess to get uh get captured yes and then get broken out of jail during a bombing

[26:06] yes and then get captured again so he could go to this uranium which apparently he couldn't go to

[26:12] on his own for some reason because he was in jail i guess yeah i don't really understand how this all

[26:19] fits together this twist somehow it's related to the politician who was threatening him yeah and

[26:24] then there's a bad guy politician and kamarov calls chagarin the bad guy politician who's in a sauna

[26:30] with a with a hefty with a strong nurse and he's like it's me i escaped and i've got uranium now

[26:36] goodbye and then the nurse snaps chagarin's neck because apparently kamarov has henchmen everywhere

[26:42] What's up with Russians always killing each other in saunas?

[26:45] It's where you're most vulnerable.

[26:46] You're not wearing clothes.

[26:47] You're all sweaty and gross.

[26:48] But it seems like such a tacked-on thing.

[26:50] Hey, just like the car chase where they're like, hey, remember car chase that are actually exciting?

[26:54] This was like, hey, remember that scene in Eastern Promises?

[26:57] Remember that great scene in Eastern Promises where nude Viggo Mortensen fights those guys?

[27:01] At least make it sauna-specific.

[27:02] Like have them beat together to death with branches or something.

[27:05] No, but they like that in Russia.

[27:07] That's what he paid for.

[27:08] He'd be like, yeah, yeah, good.

[27:10] Beat me harder.

[27:12] please i am russian and so forth uh at this point he's really committed to it yeah at this point

[27:19] the mcleans enter the vault they learn the true story of uh the real life story of uh how their

[27:26] life got flipped turned upside down they want to take a minute uh tell you just sit right there

[27:31] right there tell them all about story about how they became a good day to die hard yeah of bel-air

[27:37] Created by Andy Borowitz

[27:39] And then there's just a bunch of fighting

[27:42] As they fight the bad guys

[27:43] There's a lot of helicopter spinning

[27:45] There's a big shirtless guy with a gun

[27:48] Who's like Zangief from Street Fighter

[27:51] You're expecting like a good fight

[27:53] No exactly

[27:54] This huge guy shows up

[27:55] And I assumed they're going to do their take

[27:57] On the scene in Raiders

[27:59] Where Indiana Jones has to fight that big bald Nazi

[28:02] And the Nazi's just punching him

[28:03] And then the propeller kills him

[28:05] It's an amazing scene

[28:06] but instead the guy is just shooting them and they blow him up yeah and uh and just like yeah

[28:12] just like that chicken uh it looks good kill he just gets totally roasted yeah saying people

[28:18] getting roasted a lot flame broiled yeah flash fried yeah like you didn't even have a shirt to

[28:24] protect him and when the explosion happens uh bruce willis and his son are behind like bruce

[28:30] willis is behind a big metal box and his son is behind a pillar and you literally see the flame

[28:34] rush out towards the sun

[28:36] and wrap around the pillar

[28:37] all around him

[28:38] and then it cuts away

[28:40] and when it cuts back

[28:41] he's fine.

[28:41] Because he was behind this pillar

[28:43] so even though flame

[28:44] has literally touched him

[28:45] he has not singed.

[28:46] It's like if you ever tried

[28:47] to take a piece of

[28:48] hardened beef jerky

[28:49] and just stuck it

[28:50] in like a fire grill

[28:52] Always.

[28:53] It doesn't do anything

[28:53] to that jerky man.

[28:54] So you're saying

[28:55] the guy is a piece of

[28:56] hardened beef jerky.

[28:57] I'd say that John McClane

[28:59] is meant to be.

[28:59] No, no, but this is Jack McClane.

[29:00] He's like a regular

[29:01] Casey Breivik character.

[29:02] I believe that John McClane

[29:03] as a smoked, dried, cured meat.

[29:05] I don't believe that of a son.

[29:07] I have to say,

[29:10] I want to make it clear

[29:11] that this movie,

[29:12] the screenwriter of this film,

[29:14] also wrote such films as

[29:16] Hitman,

[29:16] Swordfish,

[29:18] and X-Men Origins Wolverine.

[29:20] Flophouse favorite.

[29:21] And, wait,

[29:23] didn't he also write

[29:24] Max Payne?

[29:25] Yes.

[29:26] No, the director.

[29:27] The director of this made Max Payne.

[29:28] It's like a confluence

[29:29] of Flophouse-y influences.

[29:30] Of crap.

[29:31] Still allowed to make films.

[29:33] But now – so the son goes after – it makes no sense.

[29:37] Bruce Willis goes after the young woman with the helicopter, the evil daughter, and the son goes after the old man with a gun.

[29:45] They're all fighting.

[29:46] Bruce Willis gets on the helicopter.

[29:48] The daughter is like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, shooting her helicopter guns at the roof of this Chernobyl building.

[29:54] There's a truck inside the helicopter because it's full of uranium stuff or whatever.

[30:00] And Bruce Willis gets in it and chains it to the side of the helicopter, gets in his car, says, yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker, just to himself.

[30:10] And then drives it out the back of the helicopter to unbalance it.

[30:15] And then there's a scene where it looks like Bruce Willis is trying to steer the helicopter with the steering wheel in a truck that's hanging out the back of a helicopter.

[30:22] He's getting on in years, Elliot.

[30:23] They should really take his license away, is what I'm saying.

[30:26] And the son is fighting the ultimate villain, Komarov.

[30:30] But it's weird.

[30:31] Komarov has this gun, and he's firing anywhere but at his enemy.

[30:35] And the son picks up Komarov, and literally, Komarov is totally at his mercy.

[30:43] Just throws him over the roof, into the rotor blades of the helicopter, which cuts him up.

[30:51] Dasvidanya.

[30:51] Which just cuts him up into blood.

[30:54] Immediately, he's particles.

[30:55] It looks like a Mortal Kombat fatality.

[30:57] It's like when Dark Phoenix totally turned Professor X into a bunch of particles.

[31:02] It's like something out of one of those weird Japanese action movies

[31:10] where it's like schoolgirls with blades that come out of their butts

[31:13] and there's a lot of CGI blood.

[31:15] It was that kind of fakey blood.

[31:17] We always complain about a lot of Flophouse movies

[31:20] doing cuts or flashbacks to scenes

[31:23] that were only a little bit

[31:24] earlier in the movie

[31:25] and I really wish that

[31:26] right before he threw them

[31:27] into those blades

[31:28] there was a cutback

[31:29] to when Komarov

[31:30] was trying to convince

[31:31] Bruce Willis

[31:32] that there's still a chance

[31:33] that he and his son

[31:34] could reunite.

[31:34] Like the idea of like

[31:36] this bad guy kind of

[31:37] helped heal the wounds

[31:38] between the two of you

[31:39] and now you're tossing him

[31:40] into those rotor blades.

[31:40] You should be paying me.

[31:41] I'm a therapist.

[31:42] I'll pay you

[31:44] in death.

[31:44] In Soviet Russia

[31:46] helicopter chops up you.

[31:48] It's not even a joke.

[31:50] No, it's good.

[31:50] Enjoy your trip.

[31:52] Have a nice fall.

[31:53] throws him out and uh that and the daughter doesn't even notice that she just killed her

[31:58] father with the helicopter blades she in a shakespearean you know but yeah she's the

[32:03] instrument of her own father's demise it's just like in it's like titus androgynous yeah

[32:09] david bowie is titus androgynous the story you're eating till the switten in these pies no

[32:21] whatever whatever i'm david bowie i'm a general in rome titus androgynous freak out in a moon age

[32:32] daydream let's dance i just ate my own child in a pie put on your red dress and cannibal

[32:43] hannibal and so forth i can't think of a single other thing that happens in titus androgynous

[32:50] who would play aaron the moore the best character in the whole play

[32:54] i don't know somebody let's just say lenny kravitz

[32:59] i wish i could hannibal's in the audience watching titus androgynous like finally

[33:06] finally something for me something for me he's a vampire now he's eating a giant sandwich with

[33:13] The human hand sticking out of it.

[33:14] And the usher says,

[33:15] Sir, no food in the theater.

[33:17] Aye, aye, aye, aye.

[33:18] Hannibal winks at the camera.

[33:21] And he goes,

[33:21] Beats, don't fail me now.

[33:23] And runs off.

[33:23] He goes to cover his mouth with his hand

[33:25] and he realizes it's already gone.

[33:27] Chopped off and in Hannibal's mouth.

[33:28] Oh, the usher.

[33:30] I thought even Hannibal was eating his own hand.

[33:32] He could be, dude.

[33:33] Who cares?

[33:34] It's a movie.

[33:34] Anything can happen in the movies.

[33:37] In the dark.

[33:39] We could be heroes.

[33:43] Titus Androgynous

[33:44] Anyway

[33:46] She somehow knows her father's dead

[33:48] She does a suicide plunge of the helicopter

[33:51] Into the building

[33:52] Failing to kill any of the heroes

[33:54] Who for the 18th time

[33:56] Probably killing herself

[33:57] She does kill herself

[33:58] The helicopter explodes

[33:59] Yeah but we don't see it

[34:00] Yes we do

[34:01] The helicopter explodes

[34:01] So she's totally roasted

[34:03] Yes she's totally roasted

[34:05] She's really attractive

[34:07] So if you could say that she survives the helicopter

[34:09] Look I would love if she survived

[34:11] If it just burned all her clothes off

[34:12] Considering the fire only burned off her clothes and made her really sweaty.

[34:16] And she goes, oh, my.

[34:18] And she tries to cover up, but it's too late.

[34:21] We've seen everything.

[34:21] No, we've seen everything.

[34:22] Now, considering...

[34:24] I don't want to curl on your mustache.

[34:25] I would love for her to survive, considering my two favorite characters...

[34:29] My three favorite characters in the movie are the singing cab driver and the tops of her two stockings.

[34:35] Now, Bruce Willis and his son, for the 18th time, jump out of some windows,

[34:42] just hoping there's something below them

[34:43] that will not kill them when they hit it.

[34:45] They fall through a glass skylight into a swimming pool

[34:49] because, of course, Chernobyl has a swimming pool.

[34:51] As an unwitting victim of a knee injury, Dan,

[34:54] how does that make you feel?

[34:55] Look, I've played the knee card a lot.

[34:58] Bruce Willis has got to be a million years older than you.

[35:02] Yes, a million years.

[35:03] His knees are just about that old, too.

[35:05] There is evidence in ancient prehistoric carvings of Bruce Willis.

[35:09] it's a stick figure with a squint and a smirk on his face and sometimes a cigar and sometimes a

[35:15] harmonica it's kind of a bruno type stick figure now when he leapt out of a building earlier and

[35:20] fell through several layers of scaffolding into a dumpster did i think every bone in his body

[35:24] would be shattered yes i did every boner in his body shattered only the one most few men have

[35:30] more than one boner the lucky ones the lucky ones well there was that one guy there was a man

[35:36] years ago who was a sideshow performer who had three legs and two penises both working penises

[35:41] he was italian so five legs is what you're saying yeah and people used to ask him do you feel bad

[35:48] having three legs do you do you envy people who have two legs and he would say do you envy someone

[35:53] with one arm he was very pro pro himself you know very confident but having two working penises will

[36:00] do that sounds like a nice guy give you a lot of confidence and he could kick a soccer ball with

[36:03] his third leg you think he had sex with two ladies in the same time he had to have come on

[36:07] yeah i mean like just out of care i mean like women wouldn't necessarily like find him attractive

[36:12] but just out of curiosity there's got to be some women who are like let's do this considering

[36:18] chang and eng both had lives who had sex with them and bore children i would have to assume that

[36:23] they would that they did i and i'd like to believe that he had sex with siamese twin women

[36:27] that he met maybe in the sideshow.

[36:29] Yeah.

[36:30] Yeah, on one of those OkCupid's.

[36:33] It's like a real love match.

[36:34] You wouldn't need the OkCupid

[36:36] because they work together.

[36:36] Oh, okay.

[36:37] It's a workplace romance

[36:38] for the workplace and sideshow.

[36:39] Now they have to push them together

[36:41] is when they realize

[36:42] that they found each other on OkCupid,

[36:43] but they're so close.

[36:44] You do have to report it to Circus HR, though,

[36:47] if they're going on a date within the family.

[36:48] Yeah, you think of Circus as HR?

[36:50] That's, uh...

[36:54] I can't think of it.

[36:57] Something about a bearded lady, Dan.

[36:58] Come on.

[36:59] Who's someone in the circus that has an H?

[37:01] The beads with an H.

[37:02] The half man?

[37:04] Yeah, half man resources.

[37:05] Half man resources.

[37:06] Okay.

[37:07] It's like a regular episode of.

[37:09] Can no one remember anything today?

[37:13] What is your.

[37:14] No, wait.

[37:14] I got this one.

[37:15] There's a gas leak.

[37:17] There's a gas.

[37:18] No wonder Titus Androgynous sounded like such a great idea.

[37:22] So anyway, Jack and John McClane have totally patched up

[37:26] along this trip, saving the world

[37:28] from nuclear weapons, I guess.

[37:30] They go back home to Mary Elizabeth Winstead,

[37:32] who you've totally forgotten.

[37:33] Who's Bruce Willis' daughter in this,

[37:35] and they laugh and laugh as they onboard a private plane

[37:38] that I guess the CIA sent for them.

[37:40] And there's a freeze frame with the sun behind him

[37:42] that is framed very awkwardly.

[37:44] Yeah, it looks...

[37:45] Bruce Willis is almost out of frame,

[37:46] and the sun is just peeking out

[37:48] from behind his bald dome of a head.

[37:49] He's got the fucking technodrome

[37:51] on the top of his neck.

[37:52] You got Biosphere 2 right there.

[37:56] empire of the sun only guy's head was designed by buckminster fuller whoa hey oh i got plenty

[38:03] of bruce willis ball jokes destro's walking off the plane yeah you know that's that's tied in with

[38:10] that baroness yeah because the baroness is earlier russia so that's the movie they saved the world

[38:15] they patched up their relationship they uh managed to kill i'm just gonna say on the outside this is

[38:21] a conservative estimate 350 russians but no international incident somehow no because in

[38:27] this world russia exists only for americans to like go and ruin it's much the same way that

[38:32] foreign countries work in a lot of james bond movies where it's like india your job is to have

[38:38] like a street bazaar that white people can run through and destroy while they're having a chase

[38:43] scene like you're not people you're you're like you're dressing up the sets yeah you can pull a

[38:48] sword out of a sword

[38:48] swallower's throat and

[38:50] have a sword fight with

[38:51] it or something yeah

[38:52] exactly um now that's

[38:54] an hr why does that

[38:55] sound so gross when he

[38:56] said it it's disgusting

[38:58] the idea of it is

[38:58] disgusting okay so uh

[39:00] you got phlegm all over

[39:01] that sword it's all got

[39:02] all bacteria let's skip

[39:03] to final judgments was

[39:04] this good bad movie a

[39:05] bad bad movie or movie

[39:06] kind of likes to her

[39:07] what do you have to say

[39:08] this was a bad bad

[39:09] movie i didn't like it

[39:10] i didn't like how the

[39:11] trailer made me believe

[39:12] that that girl was going

[39:12] to unzip her uh jumpsuit

[39:14] she did almost all the

[39:15] way but you barely they

[39:16] cut it way too soon

[39:17] What's weird is that there are pictures online that show, because we were looking at pictures of the lead actress online.

[39:22] We will all admit to being that much of a...

[39:25] There are stills where she's unzipped the jumpsuit way down, and you see a lot more of her, but that's not in the movie.

[39:30] In the trailer, there is that much of it, so it seems weird.

[39:32] I wonder if they shot that for the trailer, and then they just didn't put it in the movie.

[39:36] They're like, oh, the mostly male audience who goes to see this movie won't be interested in this.

[39:39] They're not going to be interested in this hot Russian lady taking her clothes off.

[39:42] Yeah, it seems weird that they would be like, well, this will get them in the seats, and then they're like, but let's cut it down in the actual movie.

[39:49] And meanwhile, any excuse to show us Bruce Willis' naked ass, I mean, he's pantsless in most of the movie.

[39:54] Yeah, exactly.

[39:54] The color of night is flesh colored, apparently.

[39:57] It'd be so weird if this movie was his pants get blown off early on and he doesn't put them back on, and it's just him jumping out of buildings with no pants on.

[40:06] A good day to die pantsless.

[40:10] A good day to die naked from the waist down.

[40:12] I'm going to say this is a bad, bad movie.

[40:13] And I say this as a man who has basically liked every other Die Hard movie to one degree or another.

[40:20] Your screen name on Instant Messenger is Die Hard 1-1 Fan.

[40:23] Well, that's the thing.

[40:24] Because you consider yourself the 11th biggest Die Hard fan.

[40:27] I am actually not the world's hugest Die Hard fanatic.

[40:30] There are a lot of people out there who are like, oh, the original Die Hard is the best action movie.

[40:33] I like it a lot.

[40:34] It's easily one of the best action movies.

[40:36] No, it's one of the best.

[40:37] I also disagree that it's the best

[40:40] But for an action movie

[40:41] It's very smartly constructed

[40:44] And the scenes work really well

[40:46] It's very exciting and suspensy

[40:48] But I'm not a huge fanatic

[40:49] It's up there with Hard Target

[40:52] Obviously the first one

[40:54] Is Head and Shoulders over the others

[40:56] But I even enjoy the sequels

[40:58] And this one I do not care for at all

[41:01] It also hurts that

[41:02] One of the things that made Die Hard great

[41:05] Is that the villain is fantastic

[41:06] and in this the villain is almost a non-entity you know you pointed out like in the first die

[41:11] hard and even in the second die hard they take a little bit of time to at least like build it up

[41:16] and build as a situation and create the world and build up the situation and show the bad guy's plan

[41:21] in motion to give the bad guy a little bit of like cred i guess yeah to show that he actually is

[41:26] smart at whereas the john mclean character is kind of a doof well but but your average joe

[41:33] wait, forget about it, pizza pie.

[41:34] But it's his, like, hard-working American ethos that gets him through.

[41:37] Yeah.

[41:38] He's carrying his lunch pail everywhere.

[41:40] But, yeah, no, but that's, but, like, you set up,

[41:43] his whole purpose is to be the, like, ordinary Joe, like,

[41:47] but, like, resilient and tough that gets through

[41:51] and beats up the smarter European, you know, bad guys.

[41:55] But here, the bad guy's plan,

[41:57] it felt like the bad guy was making up as he went along.

[41:59] He had no charisma.

[42:00] Sure, the henchman danced once,

[42:02] but that was about it.

[42:03] And the movie is...

[42:04] And his son is so uninteresting.

[42:06] They put so much of the movie on his shoulder.

[42:09] He's a total non-entity.

[42:10] The son makes you wish for Shia LaBeouf to show up

[42:13] from fucking Crystal Skull.

[42:15] Yeah, it makes...

[42:15] What's his name?

[42:15] Mutt Jackson?

[42:16] Makes him look...

[42:17] Rover Boyer's D?

[42:19] What's Shia LaBeouf's character's name?

[42:21] It's Mutt something, right?

[42:21] Yeah, whatever.

[42:22] But it makes him seem like a really lovable...

[42:25] You're watching this and you're like,

[42:26] you know what?

[42:27] Maybe I'll watch another Mutt in the Crystal Skull movie.

[42:29] Maybe they should make another one of those.

[42:31] indiana jones jr in the in the legend of the hidden shoes maybe they'll make one of the one

[42:38] of those tales are told of shoes rather than like put somewhere rather than doing you couldn't find

[42:42] them again rather than like you know die hard in your face the new one starring starring jack

[42:49] mclean the son you know he's so boring and dull and just just personalityless uh but it's a good

[42:56] good movie no no and also like every this is such a like no no effort movie in a lot of ways except

[43:03] for stunts and like computer graphics but the direction is kind of sub born level shaky cam

[43:08] there's like it's really the script is terrible two attempts to make interesting shots in the

[43:13] movie like interesting action shots like at the end where they're like falling at the same rate

[43:17] as the helicopter yeah but it's totally stupid and there's no threat so who cares yeah threat

[43:23] just watch looper so i think we're all agreed bad movie go watch die hard if you want good die hard

[43:30] and go watch looper if you want good old bruce willis but you know what elliot you look like

[43:35] you have something to say i do have something to say and you guys aren't gonna want to hear it

[43:39] but here's what it is okay i'll allow it this time i'm quitting what time warner cable what

[43:44] because their dvr box let's be honest it's a piece of garbage it overheats it sucks it doesn't work a

[43:50] lot of the time the remotes are shit i pardon my french but i get heated up much like a dvr box

[43:56] from time warner when i talk about time warner's dvr box but hey i found a better option what's

[44:00] that option a cooler option a sexier option an option that shouldn't be an option it's a necessity

[44:06] and it's called tivo t little i big v little o that's right like taibo you know billy blank's

[44:14] martial arts thing but tivo and it's made watching your favorite television shows so easy that you

[44:19] might be watching them right now and not even know it because it's that easy to just what about mob

[44:24] doctor yep you can watch it except it's not on television anymore but if you had t-vote it you

[44:28] could keep it forever because tivo has a huge amount of storage capacity and up to four tuners

[44:33] and you could watch mob doctor to your heart's content my boys my boys i don't know that tivo

[44:39] was around when my boys was on the it was on the air but if tbs is rerunning it the jim gavigan

[44:44] sitcom my boys then maybe look you no longer have to sit in front of your tv and watch tv shows when

[44:49] your channels tell you to and you know what you don't even have to watch them a week later a month

[44:54] later you don't even have to watch them at your tv because tivo lets you watch shows whenever you

[44:58] want wherever you want anywhere that you have a screen you can watch this anytime that you have

[45:05] time you can watch it tivo lets you stream tv on your ipad transfer recordings with there so you

[45:11] can take them with you on like an airplane or a submarine or like a mini sub or a mini plane or a

[45:16] submaplane or a plane marine name a place name a place you can take the tivo there uh you can watch

[45:21] something there hamburger stand you got it watch your tv shows hackensack hackensack new jersey

[45:26] yeah i mean you can you just have a tv there sure anywhere you can go to cairo you can go to japan

[45:32] you can go to the moon you go to atlantis what about the what about the offices of all things

[45:36] comedy at the sure that they if they yeah if there's a physical place for them i think it's

[45:40] just a p.o box in tucson but all things comedy you can go there and watch it tivo lets you search

[45:46] cable the internet to find any show movie video it's like netflix hulu plus amazon and youtube

[45:51] are just channels on your tv on your tv with an amazing dvr where you can record four shows at

[45:56] once and something like 75 to 100 i don't remember how many hours of hd programming that's a lot

[46:02] that's so much you're never going to finish it and you're not going to want to because you're

[46:06] going to enjoy watching it so much you're going to keep watching them which you can do it's over

[46:09] again tivo mini and the tivo box works like you have tivos on two tvs it's amazing double your

[46:15] power now you can watch whatever you want wherever you want and now you can do it for a little bit

[46:21] cheaper because if you go to tivo.com right now and any now until november 1st you can get 25

[46:27] off a new TiVo Premiere,

[46:28] a P4, or an XL4 DVR

[46:31] by using the promo code

[46:32] ATC. It's easy to remember because it's

[46:35] All Things Comedy, your favorite podcasting network.

[46:37] Remember, the code expires on November 1st.

[46:39] TiVo.com, $25

[46:40] off for the best DVR alternative

[46:43] there is. You're going to love it.

[46:44] I think you should go, and I would

[46:47] tell you I'm going to go, but I went already, so

[46:49] I don't have to go anymore. But I did.

[46:51] And you're going to like it, too.

[46:52] Hey, so you're quitting

[46:55] is what you said. Yeah.

[46:56] quitting DVRs from Time Warner.

[46:59] So that's $25 off TiVo.com,

[47:01] and when you use the code ATC before November 1st,

[47:04] go do it, won't you?

[47:06] TiVo.

[47:07] Thank you for that word that keeps the lights on, Elliot.

[47:12] Yep, and the DVR is on.

[47:13] So this is the segment of the show

[47:17] where we answer letters from listeners.

[47:20] It's a little thing we like to call

[47:21] the Flophouse Movie Mailbag.

[47:23] Literally never accompanied with a song.

[47:26] like this flop house movie mailbag it's a bag of mail that we found under a bridge

[47:34] these letters are addressed to santa but we'll answer them anyway santa if you're listening

[47:40] here's what they want for christmas for christmas santa here's the mail i'm santa and i hear you

[47:49] Elliot where are those letters you told me about we've got them here in a bag it's a mailbag a

[47:57] mailbag of letters for Santa and us but they're ours now and it's gonna cost you fat man if you

[48:03] want these letters from the mailbag you lost under a bridge what do you say to that Kringle

[48:10] I don't think this is actually, I don't think this is setting up.

[48:15] How dare you, weird Elliot kid.

[48:18] Why are you wearing a beanie with a propeller on it?

[48:22] Because I'm a kid and that's what kids wear while we're eating go-gurt

[48:26] and riding our skateboards with slingshots.

[48:29] I think that this isn't setting up the segment properly.

[48:31] For Christmas, I want some chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs

[48:35] in the Flophouse mailbag.

[48:38] Pop house mailbag, reading Rainbow.

[48:41] Okay, thank you.

[48:42] So, this first letter is titled...

[48:47] More songs, please.

[48:48] Wow, that one was great.

[48:49] Yeah.

[48:50] It's like Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote it.

[48:53] Yep.

[48:53] Andrew Lloyd Wronger.

[48:55] This one is titled, I Love the Show.

[48:58] And it says...

[49:00] Until now.

[49:01] Dear Housers, I recently discovered your show

[49:05] and found it difficult to stop listening

[49:07] to your hilarious, easygoing banter about movies

[49:09] that most would consider unwatchable.

[49:11] Gentlemen, I salute your comedy skills,

[49:13] but most of all, I salute your bravery and endurance.

[49:15] Should David Kaelin ever tire of his reign of terror,

[49:18] I gladly offer my services as a replacement supervillain.

[49:22] Perhaps each episode could end with my face clinched with anger,

[49:26] crushing my iPod with my metal hand

[49:28] because Elliot had taunted me with his songs

[49:30] or Stuart had taunted me by recommending yet again Castle Freak.

[49:34] The only impediments that I see...

[49:35] That's what I was going to recommend.

[49:36] I own neither a metal hand nor an iPod.

[49:39] We'll get cracking.

[49:40] Here is my actual query.

[49:42] Okay.

[49:42] Given your great experience watching terrible movies,

[49:44] what are the telltale signs I should look for

[49:46] to let me know that a horrible film that I'm watching

[49:49] is about to become a work of unintentional comedy genius?

[49:52] When I settle down to watch, say,

[49:54] Frankenstein II, Bikini Summer,

[49:56] starring Nicole Williamson, Alex Rocco, and Tawny Katane...

[49:59] Now, that's weird.

[50:00] I don't know why Nicole Williamson is in there, but...

[50:03] What happened to Tawny Katane, you say?

[50:06] What happy portents will let me know that I can settle back in a Falstaffian pose

[50:10] and declare, let the feast of hilarity begin.

[50:13] Well, if it's got bikini in the title.

[50:14] To a good bad movie, a strong good bad movie, if you will,

[50:17] or what would the omens that tell me I need more vodka to make it through the project?

[50:22] Sincerely, Freddy Pakalon, not my real name.

[50:25] Well, okay.

[50:26] I would say, well, one way you know if it's a bad movie,

[50:30] this is something Stuart pointed out to me once,

[50:31] is if it opens with a voiceover that says something like,

[50:34] My mother always told me, never agree with strangers about it.

[50:38] Yeah, but that's usually a bad, bad movie.

[50:40] That's a bad, bad movie.

[50:40] But a good, bad movie, well, if Michael Caine and The Rock are in it.

[50:46] I think that a good, bad movie often has a bizarrely high concept,

[50:53] like, say, something like Gymkata,

[50:56] that combines the kill of karate with the thrill of gymnastics.

[51:00] Yep.

[51:03] Something to look out for if you're looking for a good bad horror movie instead of a bad bad horror movie is if it not only has a painted cover, but if you're looking at that painted cover and you see a painted babe on it, you're not going to see that babe anywhere in that movie.

[51:18] That's true.

[51:19] You are only going to see a C-grade version of that babe, so do not rent that movie.

[51:24] So wait, hold on.

[51:25] Is that a recommended?

[51:26] That is a bad bad movie.

[51:28] So that's something to watch out for.

[51:30] You want a photograph of a babe, and then you want to see that babe again on the back of the box in a scene from the movie.

[51:35] Google her name, maybe, or just take a picture with your phone.

[51:40] You're saying what you actually want to see is a silhouette of a babe through some Venetian blinds.

[51:45] That sounds great.

[51:46] Yeah, if you want to see a Shannon Tweed movie or something, sure.

[51:49] A movie with night or eyes or night eyes in the title, like Presumed Sexual or something like that.

[51:56] That's night eyes, too.

[51:57] Sensual innocence.

[51:58] I'll tell you something that often is in a good, bad movie, in my experience.

[52:01] George Harrison.

[52:02] Wait, of The Beatles?

[52:04] What was he doing in that movie?

[52:07] He's writing music, dude.

[52:09] You're thinking George Hamilton.

[52:12] I'm not.

[52:13] So George Harrison was in Night Eyes 2, presumed sexual.

[52:17] Or was it sensual innocence?

[52:19] Not actually George Harrison of The Beatles.

[52:21] It's George Hamilton and Rex Harrison merged.

[52:23] Yeah, it's Jorge Hersonen.

[52:27] I found that something that's in a lot of good, bad movies

[52:31] is long scenes of driving.

[52:33] If there are scenes where just a bunch of people are in a car

[52:37] driving somewhere and we see all of it,

[52:39] that is usually a precursor to some crazy.

[52:42] Well, there's a tree at the end of that movie.

[52:46] That's how I described it.

[52:48] Just like how there's a monster at the end of this book.

[52:50] There's a monster at the end of that film, let me tell you.

[52:54] According to the internet.

[52:57] I mean, not a monster in size, but a monster in...

[52:59] Take it easy on Chloe Zavini, dude.

[53:01] I feel like some of the...

[53:02] She looks way better in person.

[53:03] I feel like some of these tips involve video boxes,

[53:06] which are hard to see nowadays,

[53:08] since movie stores and video stores

[53:10] don't really exist the same way they did.

[53:12] But I think if it's got Ninja in the title,

[53:14] you're on the path.

[53:16] So there you go.

[53:18] That's some good tips.

[53:19] But I would say, look,

[53:20] there's so many more bad, bad movies than good, bad movies.

[53:23] You just gotta be ready for a bad, bad movie

[53:26] and take what comes.

[53:27] That's part of the fun

[53:28] is that when you find

[53:29] that rare, amazing gem,

[53:30] you feel so good.

[53:32] It's such a rush.

[53:33] Let me tell you though,

[53:34] it's like pulling a bank job

[53:37] wearing a president's mask

[53:38] or something.

[53:38] One last tip though.

[53:40] If it's a movie about

[53:42] a rock and roll band

[53:45] fighting some sort

[53:47] of supernatural force,

[53:48] that's probably pretty good.

[53:50] And if it's about

[53:50] twin bodybuilders

[53:52] who babysit twin rich kids,

[53:53] then it's a good sign.

[53:55] So, this next email is titled, Get Over Yourself, Elliot.

[53:59] Whoa.

[53:59] And it goes like this.

[54:02] By David, last name with L.

[54:03] Wow, I had no idea that, quote, Leo G. Mayer was a founding member of MGM Studios.

[54:09] This was pointed out on the Facebook page.

[54:11] Since film school, I've been under the misguided impression that Louis B. Mayer was actually that fellow's name.

[54:16] Good thing Dan had the great white pedant present on the Red Dawn episode.

[54:19] Sorry, great white pedant present on the Red Dawn episode to arrogantly correct his minor mistake.

[54:25] and calling the studio Metro Golden Mail

[54:27] with an equally egregious piece

[54:29] of misinformation. No, it was a half-truth.

[54:32] By the way, Dan, good luck

[54:33] and God bless with that knee, bro. Yours in

[54:35] floppitude, Cuffy, last name with L.

[54:37] Well, thank you, Cuffy.

[54:38] So, it's like a cartoon

[54:41] dog writing in to correct me about things?

[54:43] He's the baby version of Cuffs

[54:45] from a film of the same name. Honestly.

[54:47] First off, that's a great idea.

[54:48] You wouldn't call it Will Cuffs?

[54:50] Will Cuffs. Cuff babies?

[54:52] Now, you're right. You got me totally

[54:55] dead to rights i got louis v mayor's name wrong boo i've been straight tripping ever since my only

[55:01] explanation could be hey we're none of us perfect i'm as much a hypocrite as anybody and two we had

[55:07] just watched red dawn i believe which had scrambled my brains with its boringness so i desperately

[55:12] hoped a man named leo g mayor had existed uh this next one is uh titled head of the family fan

[55:19] review after a lot of soul searching and write this after a lot of soul searching and repeated

[55:25] bubble clouds above my head of stewart sternly looking down at me i finally watched the head

[55:29] of the family the opening scene which was a still frame of a house with oddly timed home alone music

[55:34] lasting about seven minutes started putting up some warning flags for me until i met lead

[55:40] character lance what does home alone music sound like lance i totally hear it in my head right now

[55:45] Lance, the obvious character inspiration for what would later be called Joe Dirt, with a mix of entrepreneurial exuberance and earnest naivete, would ultimately lead him to drop-kicking a gigantic head down a flight of stairs at the end of the movie.

[55:59] Oh, no, he messed with the head.

[56:00] Bar none, my favorite scene.

[56:03] Lance's charming use of the word retard,

[56:05] his penchant for silk pajamas,

[56:08] his incredible flowing hair wig,

[56:11] his belief that real money is in flammable shit,

[56:14] and the fact that most of his casual talk

[56:16] and marriage proposals happen during stockroom sex

[56:18] easily make him my favorite character.

[56:21] His real feelings for Loretta

[56:23] are intimately revealed to us

[56:25] when he describes that being with her

[56:27] is like, quote, fucking a firecracker.

[56:29] Sounds terrible.

[56:32] I leave burns on my penis.

[56:34] It's like my wedding vows all over again.

[56:36] My only real criticism of the movie

[56:38] is that the Head's family members

[56:39] are supposed to have some sort of superpowers,

[56:41] but I'm pretty sure that Otis's

[56:43] indiscriminate punching of receptionists

[56:45] don't qualify.

[56:46] I'm also thinking of the guy with the huge eyes.

[56:49] I'm thinking of the guy with the huge eyes

[56:51] just had thyroid problems,

[56:52] and Ernest Jr.'s superpower

[56:54] just seems to be hot.

[56:55] In summary, I give it a good review.

[56:58] That's the most real-life superpower there is.

[56:59] Yeah.

[56:59] Mostly for the generous dose of gratuitous

[57:02] nudity, and I plan on riding to Hollywood

[57:04] to request that the sequel actually be

[57:05] Pirates of the Caribbean-style Disney ride

[57:07] of the Head's Dungeon. Sincerely,

[57:10] Carson. Last name withheld.

[57:12] You weirdos.

[57:12] It was Carson Daly.

[57:14] Well, thanks. I feel vindicated

[57:18] a little bit, you know?

[57:19] Yeah, I mean...

[57:21] Somebody finally liked

[57:24] a movie recommended. Yeah, exactly.

[57:25] I don't get emails

[57:28] yelling at me,

[57:29] trying to tear me down. I'm a lot like King Kong

[57:32] in that regard you know like i'm up there and i'm just flying so high you know yeah like king kong

[57:37] was fine nothing can go wrong king kong's got nothing on you steward so in training day was

[57:44] he his backstory was that he used to work with king kong and they had a fight or something so

[57:48] yeah i know king kong in comparison to king kong was a friend of mine

[57:55] you sir are king kong this last letter is titled greetings from australia

[58:02] and it's from good day from australia yeah it's from tom cushing first off no i'm not related to

[58:09] him but i did like him in the hound of the baskervilles secondly kudos on your fine podcast

[58:14] he knew exactly what i was gonna ask i recently discovered it via a certain hipster review site

[58:20] and have started working my way through your entire back catalog.

[58:23] Unfortunately, this gorging...

[58:25] What, Brooklyn Vegan?

[58:25] I'm assuming it's going to be called MustacheBicycle.com.

[58:28] Unfortunately, this gorging has left me with a slight problem.

[58:32] I'm very sensitive to accidentally picking up

[58:34] other people's mannerisms and accents,

[58:36] and my recent sojourn...

[58:37] They call me a bit of a chameleon.

[58:39] Let's play a little game.

[58:42] I will become you, and I will take your life.

[58:45] My recent sojourn at Flopper Island

[58:47] seems to have rewired some of my neural pathways.

[58:50] Uh-oh.

[58:50] So when I was in a car directing my...

[58:53] Uh-oh, kid.

[58:53] He's back.

[58:54] Uh-oh, kid.

[58:55] The less popular sound effect character.

[58:59] Whoa.

[59:01] It's an embarrassment of riches, guys.

[59:04] Yeah, why is rich so embarrassed?

[59:06] So he says, when I was in a car directing my friend home recently,

[59:12] instead of simply saying...

[59:13] What side of the road are they right on over there?

[59:15] The middle.

[59:15] Jesus Christ.

[59:16] Continue.

[59:17] Come on, guys.

[59:18] The underside.

[59:19] I don't know, like, all I know is they are in spiky trucks fighting each other for gas

[59:24] down there.

[59:24] Sure, they're precious Jews.

[59:26] Motorcycles, wrist-mounted crossbows, what have you.

[59:31] He says, when I was in...

[59:32] Humongi.

[59:33] Humongi and precious Jews are two film projects I'm working on right now.

[59:39] I think a lot of Ayatollahs are rock and roller down there.

[59:41] Continue.

[59:42] So when I was in a car directing my friend home recently, instead of simply saying, take

[59:46] yellow road on the left as i intended i instead made a series of rapid fire references take the

[59:50] yellow road where they drive oh that was oz i guess yeah never mind all checks out i instead

[59:55] made a series of rapid fire references from singing a few bars of the whiz segwaying into

[1:00:00] pinball wizard by the who and finishing with a one-man version of who's on first and my best

[1:00:04] impersonation of keith moon when i came out of my pop culture fever my friend was confused and we

[1:00:10] terribly lost. I guess what I'm trying

[1:00:13] to say is, do you know how to

[1:00:15] get from Footscray to Brunsworth?

[1:00:16] I'm cold and we've run out of fuel. Cheers.

[1:00:19] P.S. Go team

[1:00:21] Kalen. P.P.S. Seriously,

[1:00:22] my situation is looking dire.

[1:00:24] Dire hard with a vengeance. Lady Vengeance.

[1:00:27] Fuck. Oh no. Oh no.

[1:00:29] He's caught Flophitis. Yeah.

[1:00:30] It's when you name things that are kind of half

[1:00:33] related to other things. No matter

[1:00:35] how dire your situation,

[1:00:36] you still make references to the point

[1:00:39] of dying, I suppose. Yeah.

[1:00:40] A good day to die hard with a reference.

[1:00:42] Sure.

[1:00:42] So we've gone...

[1:00:46] I don't know where those places are or how to get between them.

[1:00:48] But thanks for the letters, everybody.

[1:00:50] What's wrong, Dan?

[1:00:51] I'm worried we've gone super late.

[1:00:53] Your hair is looking crazy right now.

[1:00:57] Yeah?

[1:00:57] Should we move on to the next segment

[1:00:59] rather than McCoy Wellington hair talk?

[1:01:01] Because I know what happens next is you do just brushing your fingers

[1:01:05] through each other's hair.

[1:01:06] I think I know what our audience wants.

[1:01:08] Yeah, social gaming.

[1:01:09] descriptions of our hair.

[1:01:11] I want to thank everyone who wrote in. Thanks for the great letters.

[1:01:13] Even the one correcting me, because you know what?

[1:01:15] I've got to stay humble. Keep you honest,

[1:01:17] you know. This is our last

[1:01:19] segment of the evening, and it's

[1:01:21] the one in which we recommend movies that we saw

[1:01:23] that we actually liked.

[1:01:24] Stuart, what do you have to say? Sure, so

[1:01:27] if you were considering watching

[1:01:29] A Good Day at iHeart,

[1:01:31] stop. Put down your... Drop.

[1:01:33] I don't... Collaborate and listen.

[1:01:35] So,

[1:01:37] instead of doing that, you should watch

[1:01:39] one of three different movies.

[1:01:40] You should either go watch

[1:01:43] Die Hard, the original,

[1:01:45] which would be Under Siege,

[1:01:47] starring

[1:01:49] Steven Seagal as Casey Ryback.

[1:01:51] So if you like

[1:01:53] Under Siege in outer space,

[1:01:55] you should watch the movie Lockout,

[1:01:57] aka Space Jam.

[1:01:58] Or if you're looking for the

[1:02:01] movie Under Siege, but set in a

[1:02:03] hockey rink, you should watch Sudden Death,

[1:02:05] starring

[1:02:07] JCVD, where

[1:02:09] he does he does actually get on the ice and play a little goalie so watch under siege uh i'm gonna

[1:02:16] recommend a film called twilight's last gleaming uh directed by robert aldrich whom you may know

[1:02:24] from whatever happened to baby jane you may know from the dirty dozen or my favorite movie of his

[1:02:29] kiss me deadly he also did the original flight of the phoenix yeah i mean he was a uh a great uh

[1:02:36] director of hard-boiled films but uh you didn't direct hard-boiled no twilight's last gleaming

[1:02:42] is the one with the babies right baby geniuses is maybe a second or third or third tier film

[1:02:48] from him but it's an entertaining one uh it has burt lancaster as a disgraced military captain

[1:02:56] who takes over a nuclear silo and threatens to start world war iii unless the the government

[1:03:03] reveals the real reason that we got

[1:03:05] into Vietnam. And it has a lot

[1:03:07] of great character actors like

[1:03:09] Charles Durning and Burt Young

[1:03:12] and old Joseph

[1:03:13] Cotton's in it.

[1:03:14] It's an entertaining

[1:03:17] 1977 political thriller

[1:03:19] and it's got a lot of use of

[1:03:21] split screens, which you don't see that

[1:03:23] much outside of a Brian De Palma movie

[1:03:25] anymore. But he does it very well.

[1:03:27] So that's what I recommend.

[1:03:28] I'm going to recommend, so what I kind of wanted

[1:03:31] out of A Good Day to Die Hard was kind of a sleazy action

[1:03:33] movie and what we got was kind of a dull action movie so i'm going to recommend one of the sleazier

[1:03:37] action movies i've watched in the last couple months that would be full contact starring uh

[1:03:42] starring chow yun fat directed by ringo lam and this is your classic early 90s hong kong action

[1:03:48] movie in that everybody's yelling at each other and there's a lot of dry ice smoke everywhere and

[1:03:54] people just shooting each other for no reason uh but your basic story a guy's friend gets in

[1:03:59] trouble with the mob, so the guy, Chow Yun-Fat, has to help him. Lots of mayhem ensues, and there's

[1:04:06] a shootout in which, for no reason, you start getting bullet's eye views of the shots, and even

[1:04:12] when they ricochet off of things, there's sparks right in your face. Anyway, it's a crazy, sleazy

[1:04:17] action movie with, there's, you know, the henchmen include a sexy lady who is constantly horny,

[1:04:24] and while they're about to run a heist and she's in a car with Chow Yun-Fat, she just starts

[1:04:28] masturbating physically

[1:04:30] while they're waiting

[1:04:31] for the heist to start.

[1:04:32] It is a ridiculously sleazy movie

[1:04:35] with some good action scenes in it.

[1:04:36] Dan's already queuing it up

[1:04:37] on Netflix.

[1:04:38] So, full contact

[1:04:39] if you want action and sleaze.

[1:04:41] So, guys,

[1:04:44] thank you for coming over

[1:04:45] to my apartment

[1:04:46] and sitting in this

[1:04:47] un-air-conditioned room

[1:04:49] for an hour.

[1:04:49] Yeah, it's really hot.

[1:04:50] In fact, I should probably

[1:04:51] take these clothes off.

[1:04:52] Speaking of full contact,

[1:04:53] Stuart.

[1:04:54] Fan fiction,

[1:04:55] start your engines.

[1:04:58] Just kidding.

[1:04:58] We're going to leave now.

[1:04:59] Leave our pants.

[1:05:02] No, don't continue it.

[1:05:04] So, what the fuck are you talking about?

[1:05:07] Where we're going, we won't need pants.

[1:05:09] Claws out.

[1:05:11] That's from the porn sequel, Cock to the Future.

[1:05:13] Wait, why clawing out eyes?

[1:05:16] It's not Event Horizon.

[1:05:17] Event Cock Horizon.

[1:05:19] Event Her-Eyes-In.

[1:05:23] I like it.

[1:05:24] Thank you again for tuning in to the Flophouse

[1:05:27] For all your nonsense needs

[1:05:28] I've been Dan McCoy

[1:05:29] I'm Stuart Wellington

[1:05:32] And I'm Elliot Kalin

[1:05:34] Good night everyone

[1:05:35] Boom in the can

[1:05:36] The way you wear your hat

[1:05:47] You're not wearing a hat

[1:05:47] The way you sip your tea

[1:05:50] No one's drinking tea

[1:05:50] The memory of all that

[1:05:53] Oh no they can't take that away

[1:05:57] from me you can with a lobotomy the way your smile just gleams not smiling the way you sing

[1:06:03] off key alex wants me to the way you haunt my dreams i'm a ghost oh no they can't take that

[1:06:10] away because you wronged me dan no they can't take that away from me that's the end yeah thank you

[1:06:21] thankfully yeah

The Flop House: Episode #129 - A Good Day to Die Hard

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