The Flop House: Episode #130 - The Scarlet Letter

[0:00] It's the long-awaited Roger Ebert tribute episode.

[0:04] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:32] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:34] I'm Stewart.

[0:37] I'm Stewart.

[0:38] No, I'm Stewart Wellington.

[0:41] Your full fucking name.

[0:43] You've done this a million fucking times!

[0:45] I'm Elliot Kalin, the one professional member of the team.

[0:48] I said my name delightfully.

[0:50] And then you fell apart into profanity.

[0:53] Okay, I'm Stewart Wellington of the Flophouse podcast.

[0:57] The Flophouse podcast, huh?

[0:59] What do we do here?

[1:00] What do we do on the Flophouse, Dan?

[1:02] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[1:04] Which is what we're going to do.

[1:06] Tonight, for you, the listener.

[1:08] Or during the day, I don't know.

[1:11] What are you saying, Ed?

[1:13] Your ear balls.

[1:15] So a while back on the podcast we...

[1:17] What podcast, the Flophouse?

[1:19] This podcast, this very podcast,

[1:21] we announced that we would, in honor of Mr. Roger Ebert,

[1:25] be doing...

[1:26] Roger Ebert.

[1:28] The film critic of notes who touched all of our lives and passed away.

[1:32] I would say the preeminent film critic of the past 30 years.

[1:36] That's probably true.

[1:38] And as much as he was not academically accepted for a long time,

[1:41] I think that's changed considerably.

[1:44] He had a late career sort of renaissance where...

[1:48] He was like Betty White that way.

[1:50] Well, everyone just realized that they loved him.

[1:52] He was like Betty White that way.

[1:54] And he was hot in Chicago.

[1:56] Do you think it helped that the people...

[2:00] When he started, a lot of the young people who were reading his stuff just got older,

[2:04] and then the people who were older and didn't like his stuff just died?

[2:07] I think that's absolutely part of it.

[2:09] So anyway, because of Roger Ebert, what did we do?

[2:11] We took some movies from his...

[2:15] We stole some movies from a local video store.

[2:19] Or should I say the ruins of a closed video store?

[2:21] It was a crazy heist.

[2:23] We got Taylor Kitsch, and he broke in from the top of the...

[2:28] You may know him as John Carter, Warlord of Mars.

[2:30] We told him we were stealing burritos.

[2:32] Tim Big Rig Riggins.

[2:34] No, we found some movies that were on the list of movies that were in his book.

[2:39] I hated, hated, hated this movie.

[2:44] Why couldn't we have watched Blue Velvet?

[2:46] That's in that book.

[2:47] Yeah, which is weird.

[2:51] We took a number of those movies.

[2:53] We threw them up on the Flophouse website as a poll,

[2:57] and we asked our listeners,

[2:59] which of these movies that Roger Ebert hated should we watch in tribute to the great man?

[3:04] Which deserves a thorough flopping.

[3:06] And this was actually suggested...

[3:07] Is that what we call it?

[3:08] Yeah.

[3:09] This was suggested by a fan.

[3:10] I cleaned it up a little bit.

[3:11] Okay.

[3:12] Who, if I was a better producer, I would remember who suggested it, but I don't.

[3:16] So thank you, fan.

[3:17] Yeah, you're not a good producer.

[3:19] Nameless fan.

[3:21] So let's just call them Fan A Anonymous.

[3:24] The A stands for Arthur.

[3:26] Sure.

[3:27] Arthur Anonymous, like what, a DC villain or a wrestler?

[3:32] A wrestling villain.

[3:34] A wrestling villain called Dr. A Anonymous, and his name is Arthur Anonymous.

[3:37] Like Erwin R. Scheister, a.k.a. IRS.

[3:40] Or E. Nygma, the Riddler.

[3:43] Edward Nygma.

[3:44] I don't know that one.

[3:45] Or famous villain E. E. Cummings.

[3:48] Anti-Semitic villain.

[3:50] Why anti-Semitic?

[3:52] Wasn't he E. E. Cummings?

[3:53] You're thinking of T. S. Eliot.

[3:54] I am thinking of T. S. Eliot.

[3:56] You got your initial poets mixed up, Daniel.

[3:59] And me, A. English major.

[4:02] M. E. A. English.

[4:04] You mean Mortimer, Edwards, originals?

[4:07] Yep.

[4:08] Major?

[4:09] English major?

[4:10] But let's talk about the...

[4:13] I'm just going to break down...

[4:14] What movies fired up?

[4:15] What were the nominees?

[4:16] I'm going to break down the nominees.

[4:18] I'm going to tell you who people voted on.

[4:22] Who was hot and who was not.

[4:23] So coming in at the rear of our poll was Ben with 4% of the votes.

[4:30] Is that just some guy?

[4:31] Ben?

[4:32] No, that was the sequel to Willard.

[4:34] Oh, I see.

[4:35] The killer rat movie.

[4:37] Yeah.

[4:38] And you may remember that for the Michael Jackson song.

[4:41] Thriller.

[4:42] And the two of us are something.

[4:45] I don't know the lyrics to this song.

[4:48] It's weird that the lyrics are about how he doesn't remember the lyrics to the song.

[4:51] Very strange.

[4:52] It's very meta.

[4:54] It's like the part in a friend of ours has complained that in the Elton John song,

[5:00] what's it called, the song is for you?

[5:02] Yeah, this is your song.

[5:03] If I was a sculptor, but then again, no.

[5:06] It's like, well, why don't you erase that line of the song then?

[5:09] You're not happy with it.

[5:11] Anyway, go ahead.

[5:13] Coming in next was Food of the Gods with 7%.

[5:17] You mean 7%?

[5:19] Seven pounds.

[5:20] Is there a song for that one too?

[5:22] Food of the Gods is the movie we didn't watch.

[5:26] The gods ate you when they're hungry.

[5:28] It's a movie about giant rabbits.

[5:31] Rats.

[5:32] No.

[5:33] I guess there's giant rabbits in it too.

[5:34] Oh, wait.

[5:35] You're thinking of Night of the Lepus.

[5:36] I'm thinking of Night of the Lepus.

[5:37] You were thinking of all the wrong movies.

[5:39] All the wrong moves?

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] The movie where you don't see Tom Cruise's penis.

[5:45] All the wrong moves.

[5:46] As opposed to his every other movie he's ever made where you do.

[5:49] Like Color of Night?

[5:50] That's Bruce Willis.

[5:52] Oh, man.

[5:53] So, coming in with 9%.

[5:56] Actually, no, that was Tom Cruise's penis playing Bruce Willis's penis in Color of Night.

[5:59] Sure.

[6:00] 9%.

[6:01] Little Italy and Big City.

[6:03] Which I've never seen.

[6:04] The Tim Allen remake of a French children's film.

[6:07] I thought the Tim Allen movie was Jungle to Jungle.

[6:09] Jesus Christ.

[6:10] Why can't I get anything right tonight?

[6:13] No, just keep going.

[6:14] Let's see how many air chairs we can rack up.

[6:16] The corrector's having a great night tonight.

[6:19] There's some furious typing somewhere.

[6:21] Yes.

[6:22] No, but no, there's not typing because Elliot, thank you.

[6:24] Well, I like to think all the Flophouse listeners immediately start typing an email and then I correct it and they delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.

[6:30] Yeah.

[6:31] I like to think they're using old-fashioned typewriters so that they crumple up the paper every time.

[6:34] Yeah, like in the Stephen J. Connell opening.

[6:38] Toss it into a weird pile.

[6:40] Not opening.

[6:41] It's the close of the Stephen J. Connell opening.

[6:42] Toss it into a pile, but not before it turns into the letter C.

[6:44] Like Connell.

[6:46] The next one with 10% instinct.

[6:50] Not of the basic variety.

[6:53] No, of the Cooby Goodman Jr. Anthony Hopkins variety.

[6:57] I never saw that one, but I remember seeing the trailer and being like, oh, so it's Silence of the Lambs, but in a jungle?

[7:03] But dumb.

[7:05] Then with 13%, Return to the Blue Lagoon with Mia Jovovich replacing Brooke Shields.

[7:14] Mia Tarzan, you a Jovovich?

[7:16] Yep, thank you.

[7:18] How long have you been working on that one?

[7:20] About a half a century.

[7:21] The heartwarming tale of underage island sex.

[7:25] Something's getting warm. I don't know what's in my heart, though.

[7:29] Coming in very close to the top with 24% was an Alan Smithy film, Burn, Hollywood Burn.

[7:36] Starring Eric Idle.

[7:37] Yeah, they could not decide on one or the other.

[7:39] It had to be an Alan Smithy film, colon, Burn, Hollywood Burn.

[7:42] The movie about a director mad at his movie in which the real life director became so angry about what happened in the movie that he also took his name off it and it was listed as Alan Smithy.

[7:51] Yeah, a beautiful irony.

[7:53] But because our listeners hate us, with 33%, they chose The Scarlet Letter starring Demi Moore.

[8:05] Not the one with Lillian Gish, but with Demi less is more.

[8:09] Yeah, Demi Moore, who halfway through the movie, I realized, hey.

[8:13] And Gary left me cold, man.

[8:16] Oh, no.

[8:17] But Gary Oldman is capable of putting in a…

[8:19] And Robert Preski.

[8:22] No.

[8:23] Gary Oldman is capable of putting in a good performance, whereas Demi Moore, I looked through her filmography and she has never been good in anything.

[8:31] What about people like her in The Butcher's Wife?

[8:37] I guess.

[8:38] Or what about…

[8:39] I mean like that movie is not very good.

[8:40] The movie about the closure that got dissed.

[8:42] What was that called?

[8:44] Disclosure, as in this closure.

[8:47] Charlie's Angels full throttle.

[8:48] That's what I was thinking of.

[8:49] Yeah.

[8:50] I think actually of the movies I've seen her in, I may have liked her most in Charlie's Angels full throttle.

[8:57] But it's between that or One Crazy Summer.

[9:00] Well, I can't…

[9:01] She's going to come out with that mockumentary about…

[9:04] Because remember, for a couple of years, she was pretending to be married to Ashton Kutcher.

[9:07] To be like a rapper.

[9:08] And I assume it was like, yeah, it was like some kind of stunt like Joaquin Phoenix pulled.

[9:11] Sure.

[9:12] Because that was crazy.

[9:13] No one believed that, right?

[9:14] It's Joe Ackman.

[9:15] Joe Ackman.

[9:16] Joe Ackman Phoenix.

[9:17] Fast acting Joe Ackman.

[9:20] So, we have burned up 10 minutes or so of this podcast.

[9:24] Okay.

[9:25] Before we start talking about the Starlight Theater.

[9:27] Well, let's talk about…

[9:28] Based on a book that you might have read in school.

[9:31] You may have read it in school.

[9:32] It's called Moby Dick.

[9:35] Good one, dude.

[9:36] The Tale of a White Whale.

[9:38] And Two Cities.

[9:40] Has anyone ever done a dick conspiracy called Sex and Two Cities?

[9:44] Where it's Carrie is in Paris and France during the…

[9:48] Paris and France.

[9:50] Paris and London around the time of the revolution.

[9:52] Yeah.

[9:53] Somebody write it up.

[9:54] I'm not going to do it.

[9:55] And she's like writing her column.

[9:56] It's like…

[9:57] It's more like the pick dick papers.

[10:00] That would be her saucy pun.

[10:03] Yep.

[10:04] Like the pigment paper.

[10:05] While men were being beheaded in the streets, Miranda was giving a behead job to her own

[10:11] French marquee.

[10:15] Charlotte was enjoying some revolutions of her own.

[10:19] Samantha had great expectations for this date.

[10:22] No, we're doing French Revolution puns.

[10:25] I'm doing Dickens puns.

[10:26] What are you talking about?

[10:28] Stuart, you're going to have to be the tiebreaker on this.

[10:30] Oh man, something about less miserables.

[10:33] No!

[10:34] No!

[10:35] It's not even the French Revolution.

[10:36] Meanwhile, across town, is Bernice the character on that show?

[10:40] Meanwhile, across town, Bernice was having her best meal stormed.

[10:48] Sex in two cities.

[10:49] I think it was fair to make a Dickens joke.

[10:52] I think it was fair, you're right.

[10:54] The Scarlet Letter.

[10:55] It was based on a book by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

[10:58] You may know him from his blockbuster, The House of the Seven Gables.

[11:03] And let's not forget The Black Veil, that was him too, right?

[11:07] Now, we're not going to talk about what happens in the book first.

[11:11] But it's a story of hypocrisy and social oppression in 17th century Puritan America, which for

[11:19] the movie has been turned into kind of like a vaguely softcore-y kind of like romance

[11:25] with occasional action elements and some thriller elements.

[11:29] We'll explain.

[11:30] Yeah, it's like a PBS Zalman King.

[11:33] Yeah, kind of.

[11:34] Yeah, it's Zalman King's Masterpiece Theater, basically.

[11:37] That's The Scarlet Letter.

[11:39] So we open, it's the 17th century in the Americas.

[11:43] Which America?

[11:45] Specifically.

[11:46] This one.

[11:47] Okay, thank you.

[11:49] Some Indians are causing trouble.

[11:52] Seems the Puritans and this one Indian chief got along.

[11:55] But now that Indian chief is dead and his son does not care for Americans.

[11:58] Except for, well, they're not Americans yet.

[12:00] Doesn't care for the colonists.

[12:02] Except for one, Mr. Gary Oldman.

[12:04] Yeah, I mean, he's pretty cool looking.

[12:07] Cut to.

[12:08] He knew that he'd be good in The Professional.

[12:10] He's like, I like this guy.

[12:11] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[12:12] Yeah.

[12:13] I loved you in The Contender, even though you took your name off the credits.

[12:16] Right?

[12:17] Didn't he do that?

[12:18] I think so.

[12:19] I don't know.

[12:20] So then, Demi Moore, playing young, bewitching Hester Prynne, a lady, arrives in the colony.

[12:27] It seems that she is arriving ahead of her husband, who's a doctor.

[12:31] And she is supposed to go find a house and set it up.

[12:35] And the town is-

[12:36] She's a little strong-willed.

[12:37] She's very strong-willed and liberated.

[12:39] She wears lace around her shoulders.

[12:41] She's a modern woman.

[12:43] Well, not really.

[12:44] She's still a 17th century woman.

[12:46] Modern-ish woman.

[12:47] She's strikingly modern for the 17th century.

[12:49] And that town is aghast that she thinks that she can, I guess, have her own opinions and

[12:54] live in a house by herself.

[12:55] Yeah.

[12:56] And have a bathtub.

[12:57] Imagine she has a bathtub and that that is scandalous.

[13:00] Yeah, that is very French of her.

[13:02] And she shows off her lovely curly hair, which only men are allowed to have.

[13:07] Yeah, the hair in this movie on the men is fantastic.

[13:10] Most of it is in their faces.

[13:13] It all looks like all the men are wearing Little Lord Fauntleroy wigs.

[13:19] It's like right before the movie, they had all the male actors go into a Ricky's and

[13:23] they just went, go nuts.

[13:25] Pick a wig, fellas.

[13:27] Really?

[13:28] I think this one looks too fakey.

[13:29] No, no, it's great.

[13:30] No, no, it looks great.

[13:31] It's supposed to look fakey.

[13:32] That way it looks real.

[13:33] I don't understand what you're saying.

[13:35] Real hair-

[13:36] Academy Award-nominated director.

[13:37] Real hair looks fake on camera.

[13:39] Yeah, it's the only way it'll get picked up by the 3D cameras, right?

[13:42] You have this long, shoulder-length, wavy hair on everybody from Gary Oldman to old-faced

[13:47] Robert Duvall to the guy who looks kind of like MC Ganey.

[13:51] There's one in every movie.

[13:54] To the aforementioned Preski.

[13:56] Anyway, everyone's aghast at her strong-willedness.

[14:01] And this is the Puritan era.

[14:04] Everyone lives by very strong rules.

[14:06] It's very orderly and nobody is allowed to be different, except that, as we see throughout

[14:11] the movie, almost everybody seems to be different.

[14:13] Characters are constantly speaking out about hypocrisy, how bad it is, why the rules are

[14:18] not very good, and that kind of stuff.

[14:19] But anyway-

[14:20] You've got Joan Plowright playing basically like a Wiccan who lives on the edge of town.

[14:23] Yeah.

[14:24] She is playing your kind of Kathy Bates in Titanic, earthy, speaks-her-mind, stout woman.

[14:29] Yeah, she's got a lot of sass.

[14:30] Got a lot of sass.

[14:31] Got a lot of sass for ass.

[14:34] A lot of moxie, a lot of them.

[14:35] You can imagine that when she was a younger lady, she would have been smoking hot.

[14:39] Now she's kind of old and you're like, eh, I'd still do her, but come on.

[14:43] Wow.

[14:44] Okay.

[14:45] You had to boil it down to a sex thing.

[14:46] Yeah.

[14:47] No, I mean like, there'd be a lot of love there, it wouldn't just be sex.

[14:50] Sure.

[14:51] Okay.

[14:52] The love is what makes the sex hot.

[14:53] It's like a sharing of respect, me pouring into one cup and her pouring into my cup.

[14:58] I don't want to know what your cup is in this metaphor.

[15:02] Okay.

[15:03] But one day, Demi Moore sees a bird.

[15:05] She's working in the garden and she sees a red bird.

[15:09] And the red bird leads her on a merry chase through the forest to where she spies with

[15:14] her naked eye and even nakeder Gary Oldman swimming in a stream with no clothes on, totally

[15:20] nude balls.

[15:21] Do you want to see Gary Oldman's stuff obscured by water?

[15:26] And then suddenly not obscured by water?

[15:29] I have to.

[15:30] Do you want to see Gary Oldman's normal sized, not at all impressive penis?

[15:35] I have to imagine this has to be on the shelf.

[15:38] It was the hairstyle down there, dude.

[15:40] It was covering it up.

[15:41] This is on the shelf next to Labyrinth.

[15:43] And like, women of a certain age, this is what awakened my sexuality.

[15:47] Yeah, I watched this for a book report and suddenly I was a woman.

[15:50] Yeah.

[15:51] Well, anyway, she sees Gary...

[15:53] You're talking about Labyrinth, right?

[15:55] Yeah, watching for a book report on Labyrinth.

[15:59] A report on Joseph Codrad's Labyrinth.

[16:03] The masquerade ball is so much better in the movie.

[16:07] So anyway, she is all aflutter by what she sees because, of course, if you were going

[16:13] to ask women, well, name an Adonis, they would say Gary Oldman.

[16:17] Maybe his face looks kind of like a skull covered in skin.

[16:21] Maybe it's his paleness.

[16:22] Maybe it's the fleshiness around the middle, but she is...

[16:25] Future Commissioner Gordon.

[16:27] That's what I like.

[16:30] She sees him in him, the making of a great Witchfinder general in Red Riding Hood.

[16:39] Oh, I forgot about that guy.

[16:40] Yeah, he put people in a big elephant and lit them on fire.

[16:44] Anyway, so she sees him naked and she falls in love.

[16:48] The next day she is riding...

[16:50] She has to get to church on time.

[16:51] Oh, no.

[16:52] She's riding through the mud in the forest.

[16:54] I think it's the same day.

[16:55] Oh, really?

[16:56] And her cart gets stuck in a mud hole.

[16:58] Yeah, I think you're right.

[16:59] She pulls it out.

[17:00] Something else gets stuck in a mud hole later.

[17:03] Let's just say there's a lot of scenes of characters riding carts around in this movie.

[17:07] If you were wondering what the main mode of transportation was in the 17th century, look no further.

[17:11] And she's riding that thing balls to the walls, dude.

[17:14] She's going crazy.

[17:15] She's got to get to church.

[17:16] That cart is road hard and put away away.

[17:18] To quote a song by a band, I don't remember who it is.

[17:21] She wants them to get her to the church on time.

[17:26] I mean, it's from My Fair Lady.

[17:28] It's not even a direct quote.

[17:30] Yeah, Modern Love.

[17:31] David Bowie.

[17:32] Oh, it's David Bowie?

[17:33] Yeah.

[17:34] Eh, I'm not a fan.

[17:35] Anyway, so...

[17:36] Well, that is shameful.

[17:37] But let's put that aside for after the...

[17:39] However, Elliot loves this movie we're talking about.

[17:42] Oh, it's great.

[17:43] A handsome stranger comes along to help her.

[17:46] And by handsome, I mean not.

[17:47] And by stranger, I mean Gary Oldman.

[17:49] The guy she was just looking at taking a bath.

[17:51] The guy who was junk.

[17:52] I mean, he was still wet from the bath.

[17:54] It had to have been the same day.

[17:55] Unless he bathed all day.

[17:56] He said he was bathing.

[17:58] He was bathing in a stream.

[18:00] It wasn't a bath.

[18:01] It's the same shit, right?

[18:02] He didn't have a rubber ducky and a loofah.

[18:03] In the olden days, dude, you'd bathe in those streams.

[18:05] She has a bathtub.

[18:06] He's bathing Ginny Agatha style in Walkabout.

[18:09] You know?

[18:10] Yeah.

[18:11] Anyway, so he helps her get the coach out.

[18:14] Oh, no, he doesn't.

[18:15] He gives her a horse.

[18:16] And he takes her...

[18:17] He gives her his horse.

[18:18] Some kind of horse exchange.

[18:19] She takes his horse.

[18:20] I'm not sure why they exchanged horses.

[18:21] They get to church on time.

[18:23] And she sits down.

[18:24] Time for Reverend Dinsdale.

[18:26] Hot body.

[18:27] No, no.

[18:28] Time for Reverend Dinsdale to give a sermon.

[18:30] He steps out.

[18:31] Gary Oldman's the reverend.

[18:33] And he gives a very long sermon.

[18:35] And we know it's long because there are at least four dissolves during it.

[18:38] There's no...

[18:39] Not even.

[18:40] There's at least, like, 15 dissolves.

[18:43] There's no way that's true.

[18:45] No, I swear to God.

[18:46] There's so many dissolves in this.

[18:48] And there's like a giant Gary Oldman head floating over a smaller Gary Oldman head.

[18:52] At the very smallest, there's ten.

[18:54] It's like 70s variety show music acts where they'd have a close-up and then they'd dissolve in, like, a side view of the person.

[19:01] It's super cheesy.

[19:03] Anyway, she didn't realize that she had a crush on the reverend.

[19:06] And she saw him as God made him.

[19:08] And suddenly, they fall in love.

[19:11] To make a long story short, and it's a very long story told very slowly.

[19:15] They fall in love.

[19:16] But what are they to do?

[19:17] She's married.

[19:18] She's waiting for her husband.

[19:19] She gives him some books.

[19:20] She gives him some books.

[19:21] He reads those things.

[19:22] They're flirtatious.

[19:24] He puts ink on his face and she laughs at him.

[19:26] In the most Hugh Grant moment you never expected to see in a Nathaniel Hawthorne adaptation.

[19:30] There's this great scene of him trying to decide whether or not he should read the books.

[19:35] And her slowly bathing herself while her serving maid looks on through a peephole.

[19:40] And she's masturbating.

[19:42] Demi Moore is masturbating in the bath while a comely servant girl peeps through the...

[19:47] This is a slave girl that Demi Moore purchased earlier in the movie.

[19:50] The slave girl is kind of like winking at the audience and then looking through a keyhole.

[19:54] She puts out a candle and there's a little red bird in the room always.

[20:00] and she watches Demi Moore masturbate, and then...

[20:03] Well, but the little red bird figures more into the later scene,

[20:06] where the slave girl masturbates on her own,

[20:09] and there's a little red bird that she keeps gazing at sexily,

[20:11] as if, like, the bird's turning her on, I guess?

[20:14] The red bird obviously represents, like, passion.

[20:17] Yeah.

[20:19] It's the red bird diaries.

[20:21] Every episode is the bird witnessing a different period and having sex.

[20:23] But we talked about this during the movie, like,

[20:25] the servant girl feels like she was ported in from a 1970s Emanuel film,

[20:31] because her whole thing is just to kind of, like, look at the camera,

[20:35] and be like, can you believe how erotic this is, what's happening?

[20:38] She's just, well, it's like, they would go to another country in the Emanuel movies,

[20:41] and there would be, like, kind of a more animalistic native,

[20:46] you know, like a non-white person, who would just their mere presence...

[20:49] Smile at the camera.

[20:50] Smile at the camera, and their presence would make everyone hot

[20:53] and want to have sex with each other, like...

[20:54] And then go have sex with Simon Le Bon in the jungle.

[20:58] Exactly.

[20:59] So anyway, Demi Moore and Gary Oldman fall in love.

[21:03] There's an Indian massacre of people on the boat that Demi Moore's husband was on,

[21:07] and one of his things, it's just like a piece of cloth with his name on it, is discovered.

[21:13] They assume he's dead.

[21:14] And so Gary Oldman goes, oh, we can be together.

[21:17] Passion overtakes them, and as the serving girl masturbates in a tub next to a bird,

[21:22] Gary Oldman and Demi Moore have sex on a pile of dried wheat.

[21:25] Or maybe it's beans.

[21:27] I don't know, maybe, let's say it's beans.

[21:28] All we know is, for the rest of the movie,

[21:30] we assumed that Demi Moore was picking dried grain out of her butt.

[21:35] It is the least sexy sex scene I think I might have ever seen in a movie.

[21:39] And that's, do I want to say it's counting irreversible?

[21:42] Maybe.

[21:44] Okay, that's going too far, but it is...

[21:47] Gary Oldman, like, gnaws at her neck in a way that, like, you know,

[21:51] a little neck action, that's a good thing.

[21:53] But it's like he's making his way slowly around,

[21:55] and then he's like chewing on her chin almost.

[21:58] Here's my only understanding, my only explanation for it is,

[22:01] it's the 17th century, neither of these people have had sex before.

[22:05] Is this how it works?

[22:06] They totally don't know how it works.

[22:08] Wait, hold on.

[22:09] They're just doing what their bodies want, right?

[22:11] It's two teenagers who don't know how to make out,

[22:14] who are just kind of, like, awkwardly positioning their mouths.

[22:16] They're afraid to touch each other.

[22:18] And then they just kind of plunge in on top of the beans.

[22:21] So that happens, but it turns out, and then Demi Moore is, gets pregnant.

[22:27] Starts barfing all over the place.

[22:29] Starts barfing all over, they realize she's pregnant.

[22:31] They throw her in jail for being pregnant,

[22:34] and for being a blasphemer, I guess.

[22:37] And Gary Oldman says, I'll reveal that I'm the father,

[22:40] and she says, no, don't do it.

[22:42] And she gives birth to a baby in jail.

[22:46] As opposed to a story?

[22:50] Like an alien.

[22:53] Like an alien doesn't burst from her chest.

[22:55] She gives birth to a normal-style baby.

[22:57] It's not like V or anything like that.

[22:59] So she gives birth to a baby.

[23:01] She gets out of jail eventually.

[23:03] I guess there's a way – I don't remember why they let her out of jail.

[23:05] The colony looks bad.

[23:06] She's released on bail.

[23:08] It's kind of like that.

[23:09] A governor comes by and is like, look, your colony looks bad because you've got a lady in jail who's pregnant and had a baby.

[23:15] Let's cut the shit, okay?

[23:17] And that's the other thing.

[23:18] So everyone thinks the guys who are running this town are stupid and too Puritan,

[23:24] and yet they still get to run the town.

[23:26] But then it turns out her husband survived.

[23:29] He's actually been inducted into the Indian tribe and has crazy spells where he goes nuts and puts a deer carcass on his head and dances around.

[23:38] The local Indians kick him out because he's just too crazy.

[23:41] Yeah, an Indian lady says he has a ghost in him.

[23:43] Send him away.

[23:44] I've got to say –

[23:45] Are you too crazy for the Indians at that time?

[23:48] In a movie full of bad performances, it takes a true artist like Robert Duvall to go way too far.

[23:54] It's almost like his performance is an experiment in how bad he can be.

[23:58] Yeah.

[23:59] Yeah, he's probably the worst of them.

[24:01] They're all really bad.

[24:03] But it takes a man of talent to be that terrible.

[24:05] Most of the dialogue is like whispered or mumbled or spoken in like a super stilted accent.

[24:12] Robert Duvall tops it all with his super crazy performance.

[24:17] It's crazy, but then he'll be really still and dull in other scenes.

[24:21] Not the scene where he's shaving his belly with a weird stone razor.

[24:25] No, that's true.

[24:26] That's a good point.

[24:28] As Dan put it, he's in pretty good shape for an old guy, right?

[24:32] Yeah.

[24:33] So he comes back.

[24:34] He confronts Hester Prynne, Demi Moore's character, and says, oh, you have a baby, huh?

[24:39] Tell me who the father is.

[24:41] And she's like, no, no, get out of my life.

[24:43] And he decides he's going to come back as a new persona who is going to start fomenting trouble in the town.

[24:50] He's going to put on a terrible wig.

[24:52] He's going to put on a terrible shoulder length wig.

[24:55] That's a wig?

[24:56] I thought he grew his hair out.

[24:58] It looked great.

[25:00] Some Native American trick.

[25:01] He put some like fucking pumice on there.

[25:03] You rub a deer carcass on your head and all of a sudden you got beautiful hair.

[25:07] It's a fertility spell, dude.

[25:09] With his weird old face and his hair, he looks like Tommy Wiseau from The Room.

[25:15] So I just like to think that Tommy Wiseau was wandering around the 17th century because he's a vampire.

[25:19] Everyone knows it.

[25:20] Anyway.

[25:21] He's like, Hester, you're prepped.

[25:23] You're tearing me apart, Hester.

[25:25] Hester gets in trouble again.

[25:28] They put a scarlet A on her for adultery because, again, she refuses to name the father of her child.

[25:36] And she refuses to let Gary Oldman reveal that he's the father for, I guess, to prove a point in his life.

[25:43] I'm not sure.

[25:44] Gary Oldman is really unhappy.

[25:46] He cuts his hands on a big pillar for some reason in his anger.

[25:50] And Robert Duvall decides that he's going to make everyone believe there are witches in town.

[25:55] It's almost like the producers were like, hey, is this a movie of The Crucible or The Scarlet Letter?

[26:02] I don't remember.

[26:03] Let's just put The Crucible.

[26:04] I read them both at the same time in high school, so whatever.

[26:08] Mix it up.

[26:10] Mash them up.

[26:11] It's one of the great—

[26:12] I don't want to see people with weird hats and not be a witch, werewolf, or, I guess, a vampire mummy or something.

[26:19] I wish a vampire mummy.

[26:21] It's this funny thing where, like, everyone gets The Scarlet Letter and The Crucible mixed up, even though they were written 100 years apart, basically.

[26:31] But just because they're the only two things anyone ever reads that's set in 17th-century Puritan American colonies, basically.

[26:38] Yeah, yeah.

[26:40] One has—

[26:41] Wait, so does Demi Moore get—

[26:43] And they're both about, like, hypocrisy and overzealous oppression of government.

[26:48] And when Hester Prynne gets her Scarlet Letter, then they throw a bunch of stones at her for fertility or something?

[26:53] No, no, that's the lottery.

[26:54] That's Shirley Jackson.

[26:55] Totally different story.

[26:56] But that's the same thing, right?

[26:57] It's set modern day.

[26:58] That's what's so horrifying about it.

[27:00] Right.

[27:01] Well, I guess it's implied it's modern day.

[27:03] I don't know that they really explain explicitly what time period it's in.

[27:06] Anyhoo, so—

[27:07] What's the one where there's children of the corn?

[27:09] I believe you're thinking of Pumpkinhead.

[27:12] Okay, thanks.

[27:14] No, that's with Lance Henriksen.

[27:16] Oh, yeah, you're right.

[27:17] Star of Millennium?

[27:18] Yeah, Star of Millennium is sure.

[27:21] And, anyhoo, let's keep going.

[27:26] He was also Bishop of Nalens?

[27:28] We're almost a quarter of the way through the movie.

[27:31] So he's fomenting trouble.

[27:33] He gets everyone to think that Hester Prynne is a witch.

[27:35] He gets everyone to think Joan Plowright's a witch.

[27:37] And, meanwhile, the Indians are getting angry about stuff.

[27:40] Robert Duvall—

[27:41] The natives are restless, if you will.

[27:43] I will.

[27:44] Robert Duvall scalps a man to cause trouble.

[27:47] No, he scalps the guy that he—I thought he scalped who he thought was Gary Oldman's dude.

[27:52] The guy who looks kind of like MC Ganey or Powers Booth.

[27:55] Or Gerard Depardieu.

[27:57] Gerard Depardieu or a young Chef Boyardee.

[27:59] We're in a doublet.

[28:01] Early in the movie, he tries to kiss Hester Prynne, and she slaps him.

[28:04] He goes away for like an hour and a half.

[28:06] He leaves the movie for a long time.

[28:08] I assume he's on a trip somewhere.

[28:10] Maybe he was sleeping.

[28:12] And he attempts to rape her, and she shoves a lit candle in his eye.

[28:17] Continuing the candle motif.

[28:19] Yep, and I think maybe you're right.

[28:21] Robert Duvall thinks he's the father.

[28:23] I think you mumbled something about that.

[28:24] I mean, it's tough to say.

[28:25] It's so hard.

[28:26] Everyone's so mumbly in this.

[28:27] This is the biggest budget Mumblecore movie I think ever made.

[28:30] It's the only Mumblecore costume film.

[28:32] So Hester Prynne, they think she's a witch.

[28:36] But meanwhile, the scalping has been blamed on the local Indian tribes.

[28:39] They start killing off Indians.

[28:41] The Indians aren't going to take that.

[28:43] So Hester Prynne's about to be hung for witchcraft because it's true.

[28:46] Most of the witches at the time were hung, not burned at the stake.

[28:49] Burning at the stake was a European thing.

[28:51] Hanging was an American thing.

[28:53] Good work, Roland Joffe.

[28:54] You got that right.

[28:55] And when I say witches, I mean to say not witches.

[28:58] People who were accused of being witches because no matter what,

[29:01] your friend the Wiccan will tell you there were no witches at Salem.

[29:04] Speaking of which, I visited Salem not too long ago,

[29:09] and I was kind of disgusted by how many witch-based things there were

[29:16] that were just like Halloween-style witches around.

[29:19] You realize that you're profiting off of the fact that your ancestors

[29:24] just killed a bunch of innocent people, right?

[29:26] That's what this is.

[29:27] You went by a subway and you're like, no, I don't want to sand witch.

[29:31] They've got like a big bewitched statue there.

[29:35] A bewitched statue?

[29:37] Yeah, I mean like it was donated by TV Land, but they took it.

[29:40] They still took it.

[29:41] It's amazing to me that they took it.

[29:43] Yeah.

[29:44] Free statue.

[29:45] What, are we going to turn it down?

[29:46] Sure.

[29:47] Come on.

[29:48] It's okay.

[29:49] I mean, sure.

[29:50] Yeah, we'll take it.

[29:51] It belittles a bunch of confused young girls who got killed for no reason,

[29:53] but whatever.

[29:54] It's a good statue.

[29:55] It's cute.

[29:56] It's from TV Land, whatever.

[29:57] Great show.

[29:58] Aren't we all living in a TV Land?

[29:59] Anyway.

[30:00] So she's about to be hung at the stake,

[30:02] and Gary Oldman says, wait, stop.

[30:05] I'm the father.

[30:06] If you're going to hang anybody, hang me,

[30:08] and takes the noose off her neck and puts it on his.

[30:11] And the executioner's like, all right, whatever.

[30:14] Rules are rules.

[30:15] I mean, I get paid the same either way.

[30:16] It's almost like he's like, look,

[30:18] I got contracted for one hanging.

[30:20] I don't care who it is.

[30:22] I'm just the tool in the executioner's hands.

[30:25] Hang her, hang you, whatever.

[30:27] Look, either way, your neck's going to get snapped.

[30:29] Because I'm home by 2 with some money in my pocket.

[30:31] I don't really care for shit.

[30:32] So the executioner is sad, really.

[30:34] And he gives him a look like Cox's eyebrow, like, all right.

[30:38] OK, just don't make me look bad.

[30:40] He starts pushing back and forth the bench

[30:42] that Gary Oldman's standing on, like to tease him a little bit.

[30:45] These are real hang tees.

[30:46] Yeah, you got to play it out.

[30:47] Real noose tees.

[30:48] For the crowd.

[30:48] But then suddenly, thwack, an arrow hits him in the neck.

[30:51] The Indians are attacking the settlement.

[30:53] And let me tell you, all of a sudden,

[30:56] Apocalypto breaks out.

[30:57] Yeah, the Indians are getting shot.

[30:59] They're slashing people's throats.

[31:01] They're, like, running over people with flaming carts.

[31:04] There's a great scene where one of the Puritan men

[31:07] is fighting with an Indian over, like, a flag.

[31:09] And then another Indian runs up and chops his arm off.

[31:13] And blood's everywhere.

[31:14] And blood spurts.

[31:15] It's like the end of Sanjuro.

[31:16] There's just a spurt of blood.

[31:18] It's crazy.

[31:19] This is not anything the movie ever set you up for,

[31:22] just this bloody Indian fight.

[31:23] But that's all in the book, right?

[31:25] No.

[31:26] And Hester Prynne and Gary Oldman, Reverend Dimmesdale,

[31:29] run around for a while and save Hester Prynne's daughter,

[31:32] who I forgot to mention earlier.

[31:34] It's like making bullets bend around her

[31:36] with her magic powers.

[31:37] She's chosen.

[31:38] I forgot to mention that one of the pieces of evidence

[31:40] against Hester Prynne was that her baby has

[31:42] a birthmark on its belly, which is a sign of the devil,

[31:45] according to Robert DeVall, who, does he

[31:47] disappear from the movie?

[31:48] He hangs himself.

[31:48] Oh, he hangs himself?

[31:49] I missed that part.

[31:50] Yeah, after all of his plots are in motion,

[31:53] but before they reach their fruition, he hangs himself.

[31:58] I don't know why.

[31:59] That is the ultimate Bond villain,

[32:01] assuming his plan is about to go through.

[32:04] That's one step beyond just leaving Bond in the trap

[32:06] and going somewhere else.

[32:07] It's, well, Mr. Bond, I have you at my mercy.

[32:10] I suppose my plan is finished.

[32:12] Kill stealth.

[32:13] Do you think maybe he was like just making sure

[32:15] that the noose would work when the time came?

[32:17] He's like, whoops.

[32:18] Well, he wasn't.

[32:19] You know, you don't make that much money

[32:20] as a witch trouble fomentor.

[32:22] So he was making us a noose tester, also.

[32:24] Let me make sure that nooses actually kill people.

[32:27] But I mean.

[32:27] It's a great job, but I can only do it once.

[32:32] Anyway, so there's a big Indian fight,

[32:35] and somehow the Indians coming in and burning the town down,

[32:38] I guess, like erases the charges against Hester Pratt.

[32:42] Because the next thing we see.

[32:43] We have bigger problems.

[32:44] She's kneeling at a grave of someone

[32:46] who was killed in the battle, and she's.

[32:47] It was her husband.

[32:50] Yeah, do we know that for sure?

[32:52] Yeah, you're right.

[32:54] Look, by that point, I was paying attention.

[32:56] You were paying attention so much closer

[32:57] than me at that point.

[32:58] I think my brain was actively rejecting the film

[33:01] as it entered my eyes.

[33:02] Flop house first.

[33:04] It's a first house.

[33:05] So Dimmesdale.

[33:07] Dimmesdale says, don't leave.

[33:09] And she says, I have to leave.

[33:10] And he goes, all right, then leave with me.

[33:11] And they just do.

[33:13] He climbs up into the coach.

[33:14] Demi Moore takes.

[33:15] They make out while they're riding around.

[33:17] Demi Moore takes the Scarlet A offer.

[33:19] Her little daughter takes it.

[33:20] And then as they're riding away, the daughter drops the A

[33:23] out of the cart, and the wheel rolls over it.

[33:25] Take that, social mores.

[33:28] You just got run over by a muddy wagon cart wheel.

[33:31] The end.

[33:32] So we shouldn't dwell on that.

[33:34] I should mention, the whole thing,

[33:35] there's been voiceover narration throughout

[33:37] from Hester's grown-up daughter in the future.

[33:40] And she mentioned that they went to the Carolinas.

[33:42] Not Days of Heaven style.

[33:44] The Days of Heaven narration is poetic and loosely related

[33:46] to what we're seeing.

[33:48] This is like Legion style.

[33:51] And at the end.

[33:52] My mother always told me vampires were real.

[33:55] But they're demons.

[33:57] They apparently, according to the voiceover,

[33:58] they had a successful time in the Carolinas

[34:01] and lived happily ever after.

[34:03] There's also a literally part where Demi Moore says,

[34:08] we came here to make a new, like a new country.

[34:11] Like, let's make a good enough one for her

[34:14] or something like that.

[34:15] It's so lame.

[34:16] And I wasn't really paying that much attention

[34:18] because I was making up stories for all the people

[34:20] that they rode past, like fake beard and white hat.

[34:24] Classic Flophouse getting more interested in the extras.

[34:27] As they're riding away,

[34:28] there's these two guys walking together.

[34:29] One has this wide floppy hat and the other has

[34:32] such a big beard.

[34:34] He looks like Andre the Giant playing the Sasquatch

[34:36] in that one million, six million dollar man episode.

[34:39] And he looks like, what's the name of that,

[34:42] what's the name of that big Muppet,

[34:43] the big monster with the ragged clothes?

[34:45] Sweetums?

[34:46] Yeah, he looks like Sweetums.

[34:47] And it's suddenly like, who are these two,

[34:50] who are these two traveling con artists?

[34:52] Like kind of hoping that the sequel will follow them, right?

[34:54] Because there's a sequel to this, right?

[34:55] Yeah, Scarlet Letter 2, Scarlet again.

[34:59] Still red.

[34:59] Scarlet Letter 2, yeah, back to red.

[35:01] Better red than dead.

[35:05] Tagline.

[35:06] Scarlet Letter 2, Letter B.

[35:10] I don't think we should dwell on this too much,

[35:13] but because it was well reported on at the time,

[35:16] but this is nothing like the book, the Scarlet Letter.

[35:19] Just to be, the book is much more about,

[35:21] she's got the Scarlet Letter, she committed adultery,

[35:24] she refuses to say who,

[35:26] and the person who did it won't admit it.

[35:27] Who was it?

[35:28] And it turns out that it was, should I just?

[35:30] It was Reverend Dimmesdale, who is a hypocrite.

[35:33] In the book, he is one of the leaders

[35:35] of the people who are oppressing

[35:37] and attacking Hester Prynne, he's a bad guy.

[35:39] And when he gives his speech at the end,

[35:41] it's about the soul-crushing guilt he feels

[35:44] because he has betrayed God, basically,

[35:47] and betrayed the truth.

[35:48] And it's not this like, it's not a stirring speech

[35:50] about how we gotta let lovers be lovers

[35:52] and equality for all.

[35:54] It's not a romance between two star-crossed lovers,

[35:58] it's this woman had sex with this guy

[36:01] and this guy was an asshole and a hypocrite

[36:04] and tortured her and then, yeah.

[36:08] But also the book didn't have a big Indian attack

[36:10] at the end, I don't think it had

[36:11] a bathtub masturbation scene.

[36:13] I don't know that-

[36:14] That's why the book never went anywhere, right?

[36:15] Yeah, you're right, it was a big flop.

[36:17] It is an obscurity to this day.

[36:21] In fact, this flop house is not about the movie,

[36:22] which is a huge hit, it was about the book,

[36:24] which is a total flop.

[36:25] But like, this is such a slow,

[36:28] it's a movie that misunderstands seriousness

[36:31] to be the same as slowness.

[36:33] Like if you-

[36:34] Yeah, slap some wigs on some dudes.

[36:37] Slap some wigs on, talking really quietly

[36:39] in bad English accents and take 40 seconds

[36:43] between lines of dialogue to look at each other

[36:44] and you've got like, I guess a best picture winner.

[36:46] That was the-

[36:47] Sure, sneak in some horse riding.

[36:49] That's the thing, like-

[36:50] And do some, as Ebert says in his review,

[36:52] he says it's shot in a kind of like

[36:54] Playboy fantasies video style, and it totally is.

[36:58] I just don't know what they were,

[36:59] like I really don't know what anyone involved

[37:02] with this was thinking because anyone who had

[37:05] any interest in making an adaptation

[37:07] of The Scarlet Letter, like why would they then

[37:09] turn it into this movie?

[37:11] Why would they then be like, you know what?

[37:14] Let's make it a romance, let's make it super sexy.

[37:17] Let's cap it all off with an Indian attack.

[37:20] Yeah, let's make it super sexy.

[37:22] Adds more Robert DeVold wigs.

[37:25] And the thing is, like the only interesting things

[37:26] about it are the terrible things that were added.

[37:28] Yeah.

[37:29] Like the violent Indian attack

[37:31] and like the masturbation in the tub.

[37:34] And the bizarrely erotic slave girl voyeur.

[37:38] So here's my theory.

[37:40] My theory is Demi Moore was at a point in her career

[37:42] where she wanted to do a prestige movie.

[37:44] She's a big star now.

[37:46] She wants to be nominated for an Oscar

[37:48] or something like that.

[37:48] She wants to do something that shows that she's an actress.

[37:51] She's not just a pair of boobs.

[37:52] She is an actress.

[37:53] And so they say, okay, well, what's a,

[37:56] you know what we've done a lot of movies of?

[37:59] That's a big classic.

[38:00] Everyone's heard of it.

[38:01] Nobody's read it.

[38:02] So it's, and this is something Demi Moore said,

[38:04] I think, was that like, it was either Demi Moore

[38:05] or the director.

[38:07] No, she said that like no one's actually read it.

[38:09] So they're not going to know we made changes.

[38:11] And besides, she also said something about like,

[38:14] if we had an unhappy ending,

[38:15] it wouldn't be true to the character of Hester Prynne,

[38:18] which is crazy.

[38:19] But let's say that Demi Moore knows the character better

[38:22] than Nathaniel Hawthorne, the inventor of the character.

[38:25] But anyway, I think that,

[38:26] and then I think they literally went through it and said,

[38:28] okay, people aren't, we don't want to make this type movie.

[38:31] We want to make a stirring romance.

[38:32] This is going to be Demi Moore's Gone with the Wind.

[38:34] It's going to be a historical costume romance,

[38:37] sweeping passion, epic scope,

[38:40] like a real portrait of a picture time in America

[38:43] and a strong-willed woman,

[38:44] because it's, we can't have her be too crushed by society

[38:47] because she needs to be a strong woman too.

[38:49] And that just kind of throughout the process,

[38:51] I would, I don't know,

[38:52] I would guess the screenplay went through

[38:53] a ton of different drafts

[38:55] where they were like inventing backstory,

[38:57] coming up with scenes and like putting in like-

[38:59] Extra Indian attacks.

[39:00] Well, kind of saying like,

[39:01] we're going to need to get asses in seats.

[39:03] We need an action scene for the trailer.

[39:05] Let's end it with a big Indian attack.

[39:06] Also, then we got a pro-Indian message

[39:08] because the settlers brought it on themselves

[39:10] by not respecting the Indians.

[39:12] And it's like, which is true in real life.

[39:14] They did, you know,

[39:14] the settlers did not respect the Indians

[39:16] and brought themselves to be killed.

[39:17] But anyway, IRL, yeah.

[39:19] IRL, the colonists did not treat the Indians well.

[39:23] But-

[39:23] Spoiler alert.

[39:24] But it's that, but then they,

[39:26] so basically it's one of these things,

[39:27] this used to happen a lot also

[39:29] in old movies much more often,

[39:31] where you would take the title of a story,

[39:33] the barest elements from it

[39:35] and just make up a whole new story.

[39:37] And that was your new story.

[39:39] It's kind of like all the great Ed Grell and Poe movies.

[39:41] Like From Hell.

[39:42] None of, yeah, exactly, From Hell.

[39:44] Almost none of them have anything to do

[39:46] with the story they're based on, you know.

[39:48] The Black Cat is a great movie

[39:51] that has nothing to do with the story of the Black Cat,

[39:52] you know.

[39:53] But here it's,

[39:55] they just said like,

[39:56] let's just make a kind of a crappy movie.

[40:00] that will hope will be good and what's called scholar discovery things

[40:05] so uh... that's a behind-the-scenes look at what i meant it was behind the scenes

[40:09] uh... so i think that we were there already but uh... just quickly

[40:13] this is a good bad movie a bad bad movie movie kinda liked

[40:16] elliott

[40:17] i would say should no no no no dreamer was right

[40:20] i'm not sure you were super wrong and i have to go on your thumbs up to roger

[40:24] ebert's review of this

[40:25] because he was right it is very boring and bad it doesn't make any sense

[40:29] yeah and it is

[40:30] it's one of the although it's their parts of it if you could make a super

[40:34] cat

[40:34] of just the scenes with birds in them and the scenes in the candles in them

[40:38] you have a very funny supercut

[40:40] but otherwise but there's so much

[40:42] dross in the middle it's so slow and meandering to get to that wheat yeah and

[40:47] the indian literally wheat in the sense of the sex scene by the time you get to this really super

[40:51] bloody indian scene it's like too little too late movie and there's so little

[40:55] chemistry between the two leads yeah

[40:58] strangely enough gary oldman is not the romantic lead that they might have thought

[41:02] i agree there's some really great silly scenes uh... they're supposed to be sexy

[41:07] the scene where gary oldman accidentally gets ink on his head and it is

[41:09] delightfully clumsy and

[41:11] and demi more laughs it's like and it's just like a julia roberts hugh grant

[41:15] scene

[41:17] pretty funny for how stupid it is that they have this dumb like romantic comedy

[41:20] scene in the middle of the fucking scarlet letter

[41:23] yeah but all in all

[41:25] i think we can agree yeah we all agree roger ebert was right it was boring

[41:29] what's that light over there

[41:31] roger ebert's soul it's finished its business here on earth and it's ascending to heaven

[41:34] oh terrible

[41:36] wait no it's getting caught in a ghostbusters trap nooo

[41:39] he was a good ghost oh god

[41:42] oh now slimer is kissing him oh i don't know how i can see inside the trap

[41:48] this is horrible

[41:50] ghostbusters 3 roger ebert's revenge

[41:53] starring shia labeouf

[41:55] i gave him the chair

[41:56] now we're gonna

[41:57] the scolari brothers

[41:59] i gave him the chair

[42:01] we're gonna move on to our letters segment the flop house movie mailbag

[42:05] the letter this time is A

[42:07] a scarlet letter

[42:09] uh... the first letter is really hard to read this letter it's red type on a red

[42:12] background maybe you shouldn't have printed these all out in red for the scarlet letter themed episode

[42:15] yeah i apologize

[42:18] the first letter though

[42:19] is titled the show is beautiful

[42:22] gentlemen

[42:24] gentlemen

[42:26] i love the podcast love it

[42:27] my wife demands that i stop talking about it

[42:31] well you divorce her

[42:33] well she could put her demands in a pipe and smoke em baby i say no listen

[42:38] that rascally rawr rawr was the flop house house cat

[42:41] and elliot always yells house cat afterwards like a delighted child just saw santa claus

[42:48] and she sighs because i'm jewish the house cat is the closest i'm gonna get to santa claus

[42:51] and she sighs and mutters

[42:53] have fun with your weird podcast honey and leaves the room it is a weird podcast

[42:57] there's no accounting for taste as long as we're not as long as it's not that like

[43:00] the scenario where the wife finally listened to the flop house and it was dan

[43:04] describing

[43:05] or was it stewart one of you guys describing a vagina sliding down a banister

[43:10] as long as your wife's experience was not that

[43:13] or dan commenting on your wife's butt

[43:18] anyway dan continue i've been going through a rough personal time coming home and listening to

[43:21] an episode or two has gotten me through some difficult times

[43:24] i'm not blowing smoke up your ass i'm legitimately grateful for the laughs you've given me

[43:30] yeah dan loves smoke enemas is this part of his character we've established your next movie pitch

[43:34] should be a revenge fantasy wherein nicholas cage breaks into dan's house during a recording

[43:39] and takes you all hostage

[43:40] he then subjects you to various personalized tortures

[43:43] e.g. forcing dan e.g. marshall e.g. e.g. cummings right

[43:48] g.e. smith

[43:50] e.g. forcing dan to converse awkwardly with a married gay couple and forcing a bald gagged elliott

[43:55] to listen to a prolonged recording of celebrity names being mispronounced

[43:58] oh but i do that

[44:00] stewart's personalized torture can be the subject of a listener contest

[44:04] make this movie and then subsequently review it for an episode of your podcast meta is in these days

[44:10] love your work

[44:11] absolutely love it brandon last name without now look

[44:14] i just want to take a note one thing thanks brandon for listening we're glad we could

[44:18] provide you some music before dan shreds you a new one

[44:25] on the day that we were recording this on the day that the defense of marriage act was struck down by the supreme court

[44:32] i'd like to clarify that despite uh... many attempts to put to smear me with the label of homophobe i could not be more delighted

[44:40] uh... that that uh... anti uh... homosexual uh... legislation has been

[44:47] killed

[44:48] uh... okay all right i don't know suddenly we're out in the rachel maddow house

[44:53] but now that i've uh... now that i've heard that this is the flop house of chris hayes

[44:57] now that i've said that uh... we can decide what stewart's torture would be

[45:00] oh yeah what would i think stewart's torture would be

[45:04] i think that his torture would be that someone tried to get him in some sort of

[45:08] uh... micro brew instead of

[45:11] for his life

[45:11] yeah that would be pretty terrible or being stuck in a room with nicholas cage and not being able to pet his hair

[45:18] yeah your hands are in oven mitts so you can't touch his hair and tied behind my back

[45:23] because my fingers could bust through those mitts and get at that greasy hair

[45:28] like a ghost bus trip up her hair so like your fingers are to oven mitts as wolverine's claws are to his hands

[45:33] yeah it's burst through and he'd be like snicket

[45:37] i had an eye to the fucking word is that ok?

[45:40] wolverine is talking about children's author lemony snicket when his claws come out

[45:44] yeah i use an eye though not a knee

[45:47] and so my fingers bust through those mitts

[45:49] so they turn into weird wrist bands

[45:51] sweat bands so that the nicholas cage hair sweat doesn't get all over my upper forearms

[45:56] i guess

[45:58] then i just start petting

[46:00] okay so we decided

[46:02] uh... what else is going on?

[46:05] continue next letter please next letter is titled is stewart's ding dong all right

[46:13] it's more than all right it's great

[46:15] dear floppers

[46:16] this morning i was listening to a local morning show and a story came across titled

[46:21] man high on mushroom

[46:23] uh... man high on mushrooms

[46:25] rips off part of penis

[46:27] the morning show crew was making wise of the situation but i found no humor in this event

[46:31] yeah that's horrible high on mushrooms

[46:33] nothing new

[46:34] stewart could no longer hold back his need to finally succumb to his fantasy and become

[46:38] the castle freak sure please let me know that he was looking for the castle freak and said

[46:43] in order to find the castle freak i must become the castle freak

[46:47] so i rip off my ding dong and i go to jail

[46:50] modern day jails are like castles right? the closest you're going to get yeah i think

[46:55] that's where you're going to find a freak and you become a phone freak

[46:59] please let me know that stewart is okay and his ding dong is holding strong

[47:03] concerned eric last name withheld

[47:05] now this

[47:06] same news story was also brought to our attention by one

[47:09] uh... tico alhambra

[47:11] uh... apparently co-host of the it's on craigslist podcast and also by a number of people on

[47:18] our facebook group

[47:20] including sarah wolfe

[47:21] yeah so i would like to clarify again this is not a ding dong podcast

[47:26] we have no particular interest in ding dong news

[47:30] i think what he's suggesting is that i take my pants off right? no no one's suggesting that

[47:37] no don't do it. only if you're going to do it. yeah we should just examine what you've got under there

[47:42] it's like a kindle down there. oh no it's all gone

[47:48] zip up i can't bear it

[47:50] here stewart i'll give you one of my two penises

[47:53] okay

[47:54] share and share alike that's what elliot always says

[47:58] share and share alike. it's the classic mathematical preposition

[48:04] share equals share

[48:06] it's the law of conservation of share. you're going to add sound effects to that later right?

[48:10] i think you did it pretty well. you unbuckled your belt and everything

[48:13] okay we'll listen to it

[48:16] uh...

[48:17] he'll add in horrified gasps. we'll have a listening party after the recording

[48:21] uh... this letter is titled i found gooby

[48:25] and is he missing?

[48:27] it's from a gas station

[48:30] five dollars? it sounds like something that a little kid would say upon seeing dog poop on the ground

[48:37] it's letters from chris last name withheld

[48:39] he writes

[48:40] i'm a family-sized fan of the show and have been through most... family-sized fan?

[48:44] i don't know i don't know whether that means that he's... family-sized fam? yeah he's a

[48:48] family-sized fan of the show and have been through most of the episodes

[48:54] some of them multiple times. thank you

[48:56] like any borderline creepy slightly too into it devotee i'm careful always to keep my

[49:01] eyes peeled for signs of flop

[49:04] and that's how i found gooby

[49:06] as the attached image more or less clearly shows

[49:09] he has ended up behind a local greasy spoon

[49:12] oakland's legendary lowest the pie queen

[49:14] and there he languished for some months as i had frequent occasion to confirm

[49:18] given that i lived about half a block away and often ran walked or biked by the

[49:22] place

[49:22] i recently moved away but not before observing that he appears to have moved

[49:26] on

[49:26] to where i cannot say heaven

[49:29] but if i find him i can't never fear i will update you

[49:32] xie xie la flop

[49:34] uh... gooby

[49:35] stay alive i will find you and he adds a postscript

[49:39] as i was writing this i started to think how many people would knowing what i

[49:42] found gooby means actually choose to open the email with that subject line

[49:46] then i started to think how sure am i that the flop house team

[49:50] will open the email that subject line that i told myself rather sternly to get

[49:53] it together already look we open this up email but i don't crane with boobs

[49:57] didn't issue is the photo showing uh...

[50:00] evidence of uh...

[50:02] is that robbie coltrane? yeah it looks like gooby

[50:06] behind a broken uh... broken down patio uh... gooby's seen better days

[50:13] gooby appears to be fenced in he's not riding high like he was off the success of the

[50:18] gooby motion picture no he's not yeah yeah that was the thing like after the

[50:22] after gooby came out he was certain it was going to be a big hit

[50:26] he started getting coked up

[50:27] you know like blowing all of his uh... fuzz on prostitutes all of his fuzz?

[50:33] it's paid?

[50:36] the weird thing is that the prostitutes would accept the fuzz yeah i don't get it

[50:40] is he grow golden fuzz? i don't understand

[50:42] yeah well that's the magic of gooby

[50:45] if a child believes in gooby then gooby can... no you're thinking of bogus

[50:51] draw dead fred?

[50:53] yeah wait

[50:55] yeah rick mayhall? yeah the movie that killed rick mayhall's career

[50:58] in america

[50:59] uh... but thank you for letting us know that... is that my favorite phoebe cate's movie?

[51:03] uh... no not at all

[51:05] it's not

[51:06] it's not paradise?

[51:07] well that's my third favorite phoebe cate's movie

[51:10] uh... after gremlins one and two but not in that order

[51:13] gremlins two then gremlins

[51:15] then paradise just the scene with the shower

[51:18] so this last letter of the evening... then princess caribou

[51:22] which i've actually never seen

[51:25] i have actually seen princess caribou

[51:27] i just remember when it came out and it was like oh phoebe cate's is back and then phoebe cate's

[51:30] disappeared again

[51:32] happier just being mrs kevin klein yeah who wouldn't i mean come on good point

[51:35] that's a good point

[51:37] kevin klein dream date

[51:39] him and his brother calvin are always hanging out having fun

[51:42] and his son chris

[51:43] yup

[51:45] terrible in uh... terrible in the street fighter and of course grandpa robert

[51:51] well yeah amazing in a certain way

[51:54] so this last letter

[51:56] is titled super and of course their nephew ein klein knocks music

[52:01] this last letter is titled

[52:03] super flop house brothers

[52:05] and it goes like this dear floppers

[52:08] i just finished listening to the alex cross episode in which elliot was able to

[52:11] both to reference rampage

[52:13] an arcade game that is at least twenty five years old yeah but i was there when it was new

[52:18] and still sound remarkably like a confused grandparent

[52:21] with his lack of awareness of kratos

[52:23] the protagonist from the god of war series

[52:26] which is sold over twenty million copies and won several game of the year awards

[52:29] yeah because i really follow the game of the year awards i'm not accusing elliot

[52:33] who gives that out

[52:35] loser in his mom's basement magazine

[52:39] i'm not accusing elliot of being a video game poseur

[52:43] because he almost certainly has

[52:46] it's crazy the idea that i would lose track of video games somewhere between

[52:50] rampage and god of war is not that crazy

[52:54] he gets to it

[52:57] i'm not accusing him of being a video game poseur because he almost certainly has

[53:00] like i have significantly dropped out of the video game pastime as he's grown

[53:04] older

[53:05] his dropout date was probably some date in between when rampage was big and when

[53:09] god of war was big you know what you nailed it on the head it was

[53:13] good scooby-doo work over there

[53:16] what was the last video game each of you remember really enjoying

[53:20] this email has been written before the summer of

[53:22] twenty thirteen

[53:24] when a re-rendered ducktales game is scheduled to be released and certainly

[53:27] will rekindle all of your previously extinguished video game desires

[53:33] if you would like to offer your favorite video game of all time that would be

[53:35] great too

[53:36] if you haven't played the twenty thirteen version of ducktales

[53:40] you may not vote for that

[53:41] but a vote for the nineteen ninety nest version

[53:44] would certainly be allowed i know i'm just saving time

[53:49] you really saved a lot of time

[53:50] by saying nest instead of nes just because you had to explain the fucking

[53:54] thing if you said nes you wouldn't have wasted this time explaining eric last name with l

[53:58] anyway the nes nintendo entertainment system or famicom system

[54:01] uh... is what dan's talking about

[54:05] originally sold with that robot

[54:08] gyrobot dude

[54:10] so you played gyrobot

[54:13] no it was gyrobot

[54:15] i don't know

[54:16] your fucking friend rob

[54:18] oh yeah that's right rob my friend

[54:19] who's a robot

[54:20] anyway it might have been called rob you might be right

[54:25] uh... no the game was gyrobot

[54:28] oh yeah because it was a

[54:29] because it was a what's happening tie-in

[54:33] listeners please write in and tell gyromites

[54:36] please either tell me i'm right or that i was wrong i don't care which one

[54:40] don't write in ok dan what was the last video game you played that you really liked a lot

[54:44] uh... well uh...

[54:46] you know i've got

[54:47] i've played

[54:49] i think you like leisure suit larry i've played i think more recent games than

[54:53] elliot like he doesn't like leisure suit larry because leisure suit larry isn't extreme enough for him

[54:58] i have a playstation three he likes bonded suit larry

[55:01] i don't play video games that much at all i have uh...

[55:06] i have uncharted two and uh... arkham uh... city or whatever and like i have

[55:11] not finished either of them just because i like the music games too right like the

[55:15] well that's what i was going to say the last game

[55:19] which is basically the the foundation of the god of war game yeah the last game i

[55:22] really

[55:25] the last game i really enjoyed

[55:27] uh... was probably rock band like that's like i'm i'm more of a like a party game

[55:31] guy at this

[55:32] he said rockman which is the japanese name for megaman

[55:38] i did recently look up the soundtrack on youtube to

[55:44] megaman 2 which i think still has maybe the best soundtrack of any video game

[55:47] no but that's

[55:49] that's the game

[55:51] of semi-recent years that i've enjoyed the most

[55:55] a more traditional game that i enjoyed i'd probably have to go back to something

[55:59] like mario kart or something

[56:01] but my favorite game of all time

[56:03] i don't know like

[56:05] like i'm an old man probably either the legend of zelda or maybe megaman 2

[56:10] speaking of rockman megaman 2 is a really great game

[56:12] uh... what do you have to say eliot?

[56:14] i liked the super mario brothers side scrolling game for wii

[56:17] i enjoyed but i never finished it

[56:19] uh... and i got it

[56:21] as part of a wedding present

[56:22] almost three years ago and i have yet to finish it and i was like maybe it's time to get back into video games

[56:27] it's like slowly masturbating

[56:29] it's tantric nintendo

[56:34] uh...

[56:35] i don't know maybe like super smash brothers or something like that like a game where you can

[56:38] have fun with a couple other people

[56:40] and your favorite of all time

[56:42] my favorite of all time

[56:43] i know it's a good question

[56:45] it's a very good question

[56:46] uh... maybe

[56:48] like

[56:50] i don't know maybe even the original super mario brothers

[56:53] one of the super mario games i like those games a lot

[56:56] stewart you uh... you're more current i think yeah i play all kinds of games

[57:00] you're always playing your mass effects and your bioshocks and what have you

[57:02] your borderlands uh... and i like the fighting games

[57:06] yeah i like the fighting games your marvels vs capcom all these

[57:11] things uh...

[57:13] i do i think maybe genius is the games my favorite i think my favorite

[57:17] games of all time is probably uh...

[57:20] probably a tie between well i really liked uh... i was a big fan of metal gear

[57:24] solid that was great any game where

[57:27] the uh... the game reads your memory card and tell like

[57:31] at when it's reading your mind and is like you really like to play castlevania

[57:35] how does the game know that

[57:37] uh... but no i was a big fan of the duck tales game for ness

[57:41] uh... nestle chocolate and uh... but i would say probably no one's ever said

[57:45] that before no one ever has

[57:48] i would like to know that elliot ness you know who said that is parents

[57:51] there's two consonants with a vowel in the middle why would you turn that into

[57:54] a word

[57:55] it's not it's an initials

[57:58] i was a big fan of the uh... i think my favorite was the gremlins 2 game

[58:02] that was a pretty good game uh... i think it was the first game i beat and i

[58:06] remember taking a picture and mailing it to nintendo power

[58:10] and they said good job stewart

[58:13] good job you fucking nerd

[58:16] go tell it to the marines do you think you're the first one who's ever done this

[58:20] uh... no one of the things i love about those games and i kind of remember this when i was

[58:24] researching that jaws thing i did

[58:26] the jaws nintendo game uh... thing i did

[58:29] was how great those old 8-bit uh... soundtracks were just hearing that

[58:33] music from the jaws game like immediately brought it back like it's

[58:36] stored somewhere in my retarded brain

[58:39] not my normal brain but like yeah

[58:41] the old mary brothers music the megaman 2 music the ducktales music like there's a lot

[58:45] of good music in those 8-bit games

[58:47] uh... just made out of boops and beeps

[58:50] back then you had two notes boop and beep

[58:53] so i hope that you enjoyed that and didn't think to yourself

[58:57] what a bunch of fucking old people what a waste of time let's skip

[59:00] my favorite video game was hoop stick

[59:03] it's where you hit a stick with a hoop with a stick

[59:06] you put in a stick with a hoop i guess but it's not much of a game it's unconventional

[59:10] my favorite game was called

[59:13] throw a rock in another rock it's called pyramid builder

[59:17] it's where you build real pyramids this is a bit called stewart docks the two old prospectors

[59:21] yeah it's called the two thousand year old prospector

[59:28] i remember when i was digging for gold with king arthur

[59:33] i remember i said dagnabbit cortez

[59:42] in forty years hbo is going to be doing like

[59:46] twelve specials about us

[59:49] based on this bit

[59:50] two thousand year old prospector

[59:53] so

[59:54] this is the last segment i was like hummerabi what are you doing

[59:58] it's more than two thousand years

[1:00:00] I struck gold! Gold, I tells ya! I says to Marcus Aurelius.

[1:00:09] He's happy about that gold.

[1:00:11] I love the idea of a character from such a specific time.

[1:00:15] But he's old. He's much older than that.

[1:00:18] Why am I talking to this guy?

[1:00:20] It's like when you see movies with vampires, the vampires keep dressing the way they did when they were alive.

[1:00:26] Yeah, they're anachronistic.

[1:00:29] Sure.

[1:00:30] Alright.

[1:00:31] Except, anyway, you're saying.

[1:00:33] Let's speedily go through our last segment of the show, which is recommendations.

[1:00:37] A movie that we saw that we actually liked, unlike The Scarlet Letter, which we did not.

[1:00:42] I liked The Scarlet Letter.

[1:00:43] So, I will recommend 2000-Year-Old Prospector, starring Elliot Kaelin.

[1:00:49] As 2000-year-old.

[1:00:51] And Dan McCoy as prospector.

[1:00:53] Well, I'm an old man, and I'm a prospector.

[1:00:57] I'm going to continue with the theme of family-friendly period pieces,

[1:01:03] and I will recommend Wild Zero, starring the Japanese band Guitar Wolf.

[1:01:09] Family-friendly period pieces, and I recommend Your Period and You.

[1:01:13] It's an instructional film for young girls about their first menses.

[1:01:17] Rated R.

[1:01:19] Rated R. Strong language.

[1:01:21] Well, I am recommending Wild Zero, starring the Japanese rock band Guitar Wolf.

[1:01:26] There's zombies in it, lasers, all kinds of weird shit,

[1:01:29] and a love that could not be between a man and, I think, a transgender character.

[1:01:34] I don't remember.

[1:01:35] There's zombies in it.

[1:01:37] Watch it with your mom and dad.

[1:01:39] I'm going to recommend.

[1:01:40] I'm going to continue the theme.

[1:01:42] That's an order.

[1:01:43] I'm going to continue the theme of movies based on works of classic literature

[1:01:47] and recommend the latest adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing,

[1:01:52] the Joss Whedon-directed film, which I enjoyed.

[1:01:56] I still don't think it's as good as the Kenneth Branagh film.

[1:02:00] It's a good one.

[1:02:02] You mean Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

[1:02:04] Yes.

[1:02:05] The Kenneth Branagh film.

[1:02:07] Or did you mean Thor?

[1:02:09] It's a fun adaptation of Much Ado About Nothing, if you enjoy the play.

[1:02:14] I think that, honestly, for the first third of it, it's a little slow.

[1:02:20] The dialogue that's supposed to kind of be sparkling

[1:02:23] and fast-paced and almost screwball in the delivery,

[1:02:28] like before screwball existed.

[1:02:30] Screwball is a little draggy.

[1:02:34] Screwballs by Shakespeare.

[1:02:36] Yeah.

[1:02:37] And Joss Whedon directs it a little too much like—

[1:02:40] Depressed or not depressed.

[1:02:43] That is the question.

[1:02:44] He directs it a little too much in traditional TV style with a lot of close-ups.

[1:02:49] And a studio audience.

[1:02:51] Which is weird because Serenity and The Avengers were not like that.

[1:02:55] But once it hits the first kind of big comedy scene, the first eavesdropping scene,

[1:03:01] everything from then on really hits well, and I found myself very engaged by it.

[1:03:07] I think I might have a one-word explanation for why it's shot that way early on.

[1:03:12] It's budget.

[1:03:13] Yeah.

[1:03:14] I could be wrong about that.

[1:03:15] It was shot in like 12 days in his house.

[1:03:17] Well, you're a fan of like—

[1:03:18] Wait, so like Playmate of the Apes, basically?

[1:03:20] Yeah, basically.

[1:03:21] So that was shot in, I think, two days.

[1:03:23] Less press.

[1:03:24] You're a fan of like the Whedonverse and those actors.

[1:03:27] So did that help your enjoyment?

[1:03:29] It helped it in a certain sense, but also for the first part of it, I'm like,

[1:03:34] ooh, am I just enjoying it as much as I am because I have seen these actors

[1:03:40] and other things that I've enjoyed?

[1:03:42] That's not necessarily a knock against it, though.

[1:03:45] That's part of big movie Hollywood acting is being able to inform an actor's performance

[1:03:51] with knowledge of their past performances.

[1:03:53] Thanks, Professor.

[1:03:54] It does definitely stand on its own, eventually.

[1:03:56] Your homework is watch a movie, but not Castlevania.

[1:04:00] I still recommend it.

[1:04:01] It just starts a little slow.

[1:04:04] That's what I recommend.

[1:04:05] Elliot?

[1:04:06] And I'm going to continue the theme of women in trouble.

[1:04:08] Okay.

[1:04:09] I'm going to recommend a movie by Vittorio De Sica called Two Women starring Sofia Loren

[1:04:14] and John Paul Belmondo.

[1:04:16] He is not one of the women, about a mother and her daughter who are kind of early adolescent

[1:04:23] teenage daughter who in the waning days of World War II in Italy where the cities are

[1:04:29] still being bombed, they have to leave and go out into the countryside, and these two

[1:04:32] women are kind of trying to find a safe place while being caught between Italian soldiers,

[1:04:38] German soldiers, American soldiers, Russian soldiers, and having trouble finding a safe

[1:04:43] space and finally encountering some kind of horrific tragedy that befalls them and having

[1:04:50] to emotionally push through that.

[1:04:52] It's a really strong movie.

[1:04:54] It's the one Sofia Loren won her Academy Award for Best Actress for.

[1:04:58] I would recommend finding it not dubbed for that reason.

[1:05:02] I know Netflix had it on Netflix Instant for a while, and it was a dubbed version.

[1:05:05] Don't watch that.

[1:05:07] Watch it with subtitles.

[1:05:08] Get the full performance.

[1:05:09] I don't like reading when I watch a movie, dude.

[1:05:11] Well, you like comic books, and that's like reading while looking at a painting.

[1:05:14] Oh.

[1:05:15] And you like audio books, which are like a movie for your mind.

[1:05:19] I do like that when I'm doing the long cross-country drive.

[1:05:24] And I need a movie for my mind.

[1:05:29] A really solid movie about war that isn't about battle scenes, although there's a little

[1:05:34] bit of that, but it's very much about the people who get caught among a war who are

[1:05:38] not necessarily even fighting it, but their lives are impacted by it nonetheless and in

[1:05:43] a way destroyed by it.

[1:05:44] I thought it was very good.

[1:05:45] Similar to Scarlet Letter.

[1:05:47] Well, if you're thinking about Indian Wars, yeah, sure.

[1:05:51] So two women with Sofia Loren.

[1:05:53] Well, guys, this has been fun, except for the fact that we watched Scarlet Letter.

[1:05:58] That was not fun.

[1:05:59] Please, fans, if we have another contest, pick the bonus.

[1:06:03] Think about something that we will enjoy.

[1:06:04] I would say just don't.

[1:06:05] If we have another contest, you should write in, pick a movie yourselves, and then we can

[1:06:09] watch Robot Jocks, and we'll have a good time.

[1:06:14] The movie is so fun, it doesn't even care if it's spelling the word jocks wrong.

[1:06:20] I can't tell you how long I misspelled the word jocks thanks to that movie.

[1:06:24] I want to make a product now that's a computerized underpants for athletes called Robot Jock

[1:06:29] Strap.

[1:06:32] Wait, would the strap be spelled with an S, or would you just blend that X into it?

[1:06:36] It's spelled Z-T-R-P-A-P-P-P-P-P-P-D-D.

[1:06:40] Zdrap?

[1:06:41] It's like Robert Zdar.

[1:06:42] Robot Jocks Zdrap.

[1:06:45] Robert Zelazny?

[1:06:48] You guys don't know, but before we started taping the podcast, Stuart referred to Robert

[1:06:52] Zelazny I think a dozen times.

[1:06:56] So you're not going to say the name Roger in a movie.

[1:06:59] Roger, not Robert.

[1:07:00] Roger, sorry.

[1:07:01] Roger Zelazny.

[1:07:03] With that mention, the first mention that anyone has made of that name in God knows

[1:07:08] how long.

[1:07:09] People talk about Roger Zelazny all the time.

[1:07:11] We should sign off.

[1:07:13] Look, you're going to write a science fiction encyclopedia.

[1:07:15] It's going to be from Asimov to Zelazny.

[1:07:17] For the Plop House, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:07:22] I'm sorry, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:07:25] And I'm the professional Elliot Kalin who always knows when it's time to say his name

[1:07:29] and says it correctly.

[1:07:30] Elliot Kalin.

[1:07:31] It trips off the tongue, mellifluous, every syllable a delight, a treasure of letters.

[1:07:37] Elliot Kalin.

[1:07:39] Say it, won't you?

[1:07:40] The end.

[1:07:41] Another masterpiece.

[1:07:43] Anybody?

[1:07:44] Yeah, I am Marc Maron now.

[1:07:45] Hey, everybody, stamps.com.

[1:07:46] I have a bunch of cats.

[1:07:47] No good relationships, though.

[1:07:48] Let me talk about it for 18 minutes.

The Flop House: Episode #130 - The Scarlet Letter

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