The Flop House: Episode #131 - Marmaduke

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Because for some reason you wanted it, we discuss Marmaduke.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:34] I am Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] Wow, I'm Elliot Kalin, and I'm strangely turned on all of a sudden?

[0:40] Yep.

[0:41] Not strangely.

Dan McCoy

[0:42] Yeah, there's nothing else.

[0:43] You're wearing your face cut-off shirt.

[0:48] That makes it sound like he's wearing a shirt that cut his face off.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] It's made out of cut-off faces.

Dan McCoy

[0:54] Stuart has a jersey. What would you call what you're wearing?

[0:57] I would say it's like a basketball jersey.

Stuart Wellington

[0:59] It's like an Italian tee.

[1:00] But it says face on it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] Because it is the jersey that face wore on A-Team.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08] For those who don't know, we are experiencing a heat wave here at the Flophouse.

[1:12] Temperatures are up to a million degrees.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] But that's Celsius.

Dan McCoy

[1:18] It's not just the Flophouse. I mean, this is all over.

Stuart Wellington

[1:20] The Flophouse is located in Brooklyn, New York.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] USA.

[1:24] The North.

[1:25] Milky Way.

[1:26] Rated R.

[1:28] Is playing at everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] We are indeed having a heat wave.

[1:33] A tropical heat wave.

[1:34] Temperatures rising.

[1:35] It's hardly surprising.

[1:37] Because Stuart certainly can, can, can.

[1:40] The end.

Stuart Wellington

[1:42] So, here at the Flophouse, the three of us watch a movie.

[1:45] A bad movie or a good movie?

[1:47] It depends.

[1:48] Usually a great movie.

[1:50] That's right.

[1:51] Usually it's a classic.

[1:52] Wait, let me check.

[1:53] Incorrect.

[1:53] I'm wrong, actually.

[1:55] We usually watch some kind of critical or financial flop.

[1:59] Flop.

[1:59] That's the name Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] And Flop, of course, is an acronym for failure to launch over production costs.

[2:08] Yep.

[2:09] That's where the word comes from.

[2:11] Yep.

[2:13] As opposed to the opposite, flip.

[2:15] Fantastic liability, including production costs.

[2:22] Weird.

[2:23] Tortured.

Stuart Wellington

[2:24] Pancake flipper.

[2:25] Yep.

[2:26] All about the production costs of the pancake.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] Oh, yes.

[2:28] And a pancake flopper.

[2:30] You don't want to be that.

Stuart Wellington

[2:31] No.

[2:31] Gets all over the face.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] So tonight.

[2:34] Speaking of face, the shirt Stuart's wearing.

[2:36] Says that.

[2:37] So what movie did we watch tonight, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[2:39] So we watched a movie called Marmaduke.

[2:42] What?

[2:43] Wait.

[2:43] Marmaduke?

[2:44] Is this, could it be?

[2:45] The fabled Marmaduke episode.

[2:48] Now, for some reason, fans of the Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[2:50] Recorded 10 zillion years ago.

[2:53] Clamoring.

[2:53] In a cave somewhere.

[2:54] In the scale.

Elliott Kalan

[2:56] For us to talk about Marmaduke.

[2:58] We mentioned Marmaduke in a very early episode.

[3:00] Someone wrote in, I think, saying, a Marmaduke movie's coming out.

[3:03] You guys should flop that.

[3:04] And we said, maybe.

[3:05] Then we didn't.

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:06] For years.

Dan McCoy

[3:07] And then this stuck in the craw.

[3:09] Of our fans.

[3:10] For years and years and years.

[3:11] Yeah.

[3:12] Our fans.

Stuart Wellington

[3:13] Our Dan's.

[3:14] Our man's and our hands.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] Sorry, Hans.

[3:17] This movie came out longer ago than we would normally address.

[3:22] Yeah.

[3:22] On the podcast.

[3:24] But not to pull the curtain too far back.

Elliott Kalan

[3:27] This was actually a 2010 release.

[3:29] We needed to do a short movie tonight.

[3:32] We missed by a little over a month the third anniversary of the release of Marmaduke.

Stuart Wellington

[3:38] Well, I think we were waiting to see how.

[3:39] Which I think is the flop anniversary.

[3:41] I think we were waiting to see how well it did in post-theatrical release.

[3:45] Yeah.

[3:45] If it made its money back.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] Home markets.

[3:47] Home markets.

Stuart Wellington

[3:47] Overseas streaming.

[3:48] Singapore.

[3:48] We want to make sure that it really fit.

Dan McCoy

[3:51] So.

[3:51] No, we needed a short movie tonight just for outside reasons.

Stuart Wellington

[3:55] And Marmaduke was a trim 84 minutes.

[3:57] Just for the lull.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] So let's give the people what they want.

[4:00] And what they want is Marmaduke.

[4:02] And what I want is to not have seen Marmaduke.

Stuart Wellington

[4:05] Luckily, your phone can easily go in the way of the TV screen.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] Yep.

[4:09] That's called using a second screen.

[4:11] Now, Dan, for the listeners at home who have not read a 60-year-old comic strip that nobody likes,

[4:17] what is a Marmaduke?

Dan McCoy

[4:19] So Marmaduke, think about, all right, imagine a comic called Howard Huge that appears in Parade Magazine.

[4:27] About Howard Hughes and his enormous penis.

Elliott Kalan

[4:30] About Howard Huge, a large dog.

[4:33] Howard Hughes' penis grew so long because he went crazy and stopped clipping it.

[4:37] Sure.

[4:38] Now imagine that that comic.

Dan McCoy

[4:40] That's where the term raw dogging comes from, right?

[4:42] Yo.

[4:43] Imagine that single panel comic was not called Howard Huge, but it was called Marmaduke.

[4:48] And then you have Marmaduke.

[4:49] So Marmaduke is a big dog.

[4:51] It's a big dog.

Stuart Wellington

[4:51] Not Clifford the Big Red Dog Big.

Elliott Kalan

[4:53] Not as big as a house.

[4:55] Bigger than your average dog.

[4:56] He's as big as a dog house.

Dan McCoy

[4:59] Yeah, he's a large dog.

[5:01] Yeah.

[5:02] And that's all there is to him.

[5:04] And what kind of stuff do you do jokes about in the Marmaduke comics?

[5:06] Oh, well, perhaps the owner of Marmaduke wants to sit in the recliner, but Marmaduke is already in the recliner.

[5:13] And because Marmaduke is large, this is very inconvenient.

[5:16] Okay.

[5:17] And what else?

[5:17] Give me another one.

[5:18] Give me another taste of Marmaduke.

[5:19] Oh, man.

[5:20] Marmaduke likes bones.

[5:22] And he has dug the hell up out of the backyard to bury all his bones.

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] I love it.

[5:28] Keep it coming.

[5:29] Give me a third.

[5:30] Rule of three is one more Marmaduke jazz.

Dan McCoy

[5:32] Marmaduke would love to sleep on the bed where humans sleep.

[5:36] And Marmaduke is so big that he is all over owner and owner's wife.

[5:40] He's cracking up already.

Elliott Kalan

[5:41] He's a big dog, Marmaduke.

[5:42] What I'm not hearing is a story of how a dog was formed out of the marriage of Marmalade and the Duke.

[5:47] No.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] Well, that's what one might surmise and wish that Marmaduke is about, but not, in actuality, the truth of Marmaduke.

[5:55] What you're saying sounds like there's a lot of rich potential for a Marmaduke film.

[6:01] Sure.

[6:01] If you love large things and you love dogs, then Marmaduke would be the movie for you.

Stuart Wellington

[6:07] Basically a bunch of one-panel gags with, I don't know, like a tagline at the bottom, right?

[6:12] Yeah, like a whole movie made up of...

[6:14] Like, Marmaduke, oh no, would be maybe a sample tagline.

Elliott Kalan

[6:17] When Marmaduke has been caught with a bloody knife in his hand over a body.

[6:21] Sure.

[6:22] Or like, Marmaduke, say it ain't so, when he's been caught fixing the 1919 World Series.

[6:28] I mean, those aren't necessarily size-based gags, but I think you're getting the basic gags.

[6:33] Like, Marmaduke, what are you doing?

[6:35] I just want to be friends.

[6:37] And I'll let you think about what Marmaduke's doing.

[6:39] Oh, Marmaduke, why?

[6:40] It's him driving a car.

[6:41] Yeah, he's driving a car.

[6:44] That's the car talk.

[6:45] So the whole movie you'd think would be just a series of blackout gags about a big dog getting in the way.

[6:51] You'd be wrong.

[6:52] Turns out Marmaduke has a lot on its mind.

[6:54] A lot it stole from other movies.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] Other movies, though, that are not children's films or movies about dogs.

[7:01] No.

[7:01] Think about generic plot A and generic plot B and ram them together and then add a dog.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] Let's talk about what happens in Marmaduke, shall we?

[7:10] Sure.

[7:10] So Marmaduke's a big Great Dane.

[7:11] He's big.

[7:12] He lives in Kansas.

[7:13] Who's the main character?

Stuart Wellington

[7:14] Like the family that has to cope with this giant dog?

Elliott Kalan

[7:17] In the comic strip, I guess.

[7:18] Oh, before I get into the plot, let me just say one thing.

[7:20] This has an amazing cast.

[7:21] This film has an amazing cast.

[7:23] Okay, just some of the people in it doing either voice work or on-camera work.

[7:27] All right.

[7:27] Owen Wilson.

[7:28] Yeah, Tishel or Marmaduke.

[7:29] Lee Pace of one of my favorite movies, The Fall.

[7:32] TV's Thranduil.

[7:33] Yep.

[7:34] TV's?

[7:35] Really?

Stuart Wellington

[7:35] Yeah, he's in the commercials on TV.

[7:37] Judy Greer.

[7:37] He's in Pushing Daisies, too.

Elliott Kalan

[7:39] Everybody's comedy sweetheart favorite, Judy Greer.

[7:41] Flophouse face.

[7:42] Got a huge crush on her.

[7:43] William H. Macy.

[7:44] Maybe the best actor there is right now when he's given the right material.

[7:48] Yeah.

[7:48] Really great.

[7:49] The man who turns Norm Gunderson in Fargo.

[7:52] No, not Norm Gunderson.

[7:53] What are you talking about?

[7:53] That's Marge's husband.

[7:55] What's his character's name in Fargo?

[7:56] I can't even.

[7:57] Let's just say his name is Fargo H. Macy.

[7:58] He turns Fargo H. Macy into a complex character.

[8:02] Steve Coogan does a voice.

[8:04] Alan Partridge himself.

[8:05] Sam Elliott does a voice.

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:07] Fergie does a voice.

[8:08] Who cares?

[8:08] George Lopez does a voice.

[8:09] Whatever.

[8:10] Emma Stone.

[8:10] Emma Stone is a dog voice.

[8:12] Kiefer Sutherland is a dog voice.

[8:14] There's more than one Wayans brother doing dog voices.

[8:17] The whole time you're like, imagine what Robert Altman could do with a cast like this.

[8:21] Imagine what Quentin Tarantino could do with a cast like this.

[8:24] But they're not in one of those movies.

[8:26] They're in Marmaduke.

[8:26] The night sky is dark because all the stars are in Marmaduke.

[8:30] A movie that just on the side, just flipping through Wikipedia,

[8:33] it appears that the movie was edited by the man who edited Coming Home, Being There.

[8:39] Like, imagine what he could do with a good movie.

[8:42] But no, he's not.

[8:43] Mm-mm.

[8:43] Instead, he is.

[8:45] His name's Don Zimmerman, by the way.

[8:46] He was editing sloppily computer-animated dog faces.

[8:50] Yes.

[8:51] Rather than doing the work he did so beautifully in our favorite Rocky IV,

[8:55] he is doing computer-animated dog faces.

[8:58] Let's let them make sure about that.

[9:00] Dogs talk in this movie, but not in the look who's talking, look who's talking.

[9:04] Now way, where you just hear a voice superimposed over a dog's face.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] No, they do it in the Beverly Hills Chihuahua style,

[9:10] where they've animated the lips of dogs.

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] Which is so creepy and horrible.

Dan McCoy

[9:14] And also not true to the Marmaduke comic,

[9:16] which one thing I will say for Marmaduke,

[9:19] and you will hear me say very few positive things about the Marmaduke comic single-panel gag,

[9:26] but one of the things I like about it is that it is about a real dog who does not talk.

[9:32] He doesn't talk.

[9:33] He is mute from birth.

Elliott Kalan

[9:34] Yes.

[9:34] Tragically.

[9:35] As the dog.

[9:36] That's the real tragedy of Marmaduke.

[9:38] Yeah.

[9:38] The need for self-expression.

[9:40] Mm-hmm.

[9:41] The inability to find it.

Stuart Wellington

[9:42] Yeah.

[9:42] He expresses himself through placing himself in a place where he shouldn't fit.

[9:45] It's a cry for attention.

[9:46] For sitting on things.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] He's saying my body must do what my words cannot.

[9:50] Get your attention.

[9:52] I'm a being.

[9:53] I exist.

[9:54] Love me.

Dan McCoy

[9:55] For I know that one day this large body, no matter how large it is,

[10:00] must pass away and rot.

[10:02] There is a larger dog than me.

Stuart Wellington

[10:04] A dog called God.

[10:05] Possibly feeding an entire family.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] The large dog in the sky has decreed we all have a limited time on this earth.

[10:11] Even I, Marmaduke.

[10:13] And so one day.

[10:14] Largest of the dogs.

[10:15] I shall be naught but an enormous skeleton moldering to dust.

[10:19] My name, perhaps a memory if I'm lucky.

[10:22] A faded tombstone weathered away by the rain and wind.

[10:25] Until naught is left upon this earth.

[10:28] But hopefully a spirit.

[10:30] Mayhaps a soul.

[10:32] But ultimately, nothing.

[10:34] Buried by the ages of time.

[10:37] The stones of forgetfulness.

[10:39] As must we all be.

[10:41] Forever and ever.

[10:42] Marmaduke.

[10:43] Amen.

Dan McCoy

[10:44] But Fred Bassett will live forever.

[10:46] Oh, Fred Bassett is immortal.

[10:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:47] He's a Highlander.

[10:49] That's why Fred Bassett occasionally goes around cutting the heads off other dogs.

[10:52] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[10:52] That's what happened to Howard Hughes, right?

[10:54] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] He and Fred Bassett said there could only be one.

[10:57] Cut his head off.

[10:58] Yeah.

[11:00] But yes.

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] But so there must have been massive social changes when people realized that dogs and,

[11:05] I guess, other animals can talk.

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] Here's the thing.

[11:07] Unlike Zookeeper, where animals reveal they can always talk, they just choose not to,

[11:11] the animals are not heard by their humans, which makes it even weirder that their mouths

[11:15] are animated.

[11:16] Because it's like, how do the humans not notice that their mouths are at least silently forming

[11:20] syllables?

[11:21] Like, if you ever looked at a dog's face, he's not making shapes with his mouth.

Dan McCoy

[11:25] I'm imagining deaf people who can lip read are like, these dogs, these dogs are talking

[11:32] to us all the time.

[11:33] Why are we, why are we?

[11:33] All right, sure, the dogs are talking.

[11:35] Take them away, boys.

Elliott Kalan

[11:38] No, no, I swear, I swear, they can talk.

[11:40] I'm amazed you can talk so well when you're deaf, deaf guy.

[11:46] Take him away to the loony bin for deaf people.

[11:50] They've got a special loony bin?

[11:51] Yeah, yeah.

[11:52] Oh, terrible.

[11:52] When you're deaf, no one can hear you scream.

[11:55] Yeah, I mean, wait.

[11:57] There's the tagline for deaf alien.

[12:00] In the big city.

[12:02] Rated R.

[12:04] Playing at?

[12:05] Is brought to you by Michelob Light Ultra.

[12:11] So many more, Marmaduke.

[12:13] So the dogs can talk, all the animals, and dogs can talk to cats, but people cannot hear it.

[12:18] Interspecies communication doesn't pass through to people.

[12:21] It's only pets.

[12:21] Okay, Marmaduke lives in Kansas with his family.

[12:24] The dad is Lee Pace.

[12:25] The mom is Judy Greer.

[12:26] They've got some kids.

Dan McCoy

[12:27] Lee Pace declined to grow a mustache for this role.

[12:31] If there's one thing I would know about the owner of Marmaduke is that he has a mustache.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] But Marmaduke's family is in for a big shot.

[12:37] Well, they couldn't put a fake one on him because they were totally unrealistic as compared to the dogs.

Dan McCoy

[12:41] Well, also as compared to his eyebrows.

[12:43] As compared to the...

Stuart Wellington

[12:44] Like, one of those could have migrated south for a couple of minutes for each shot.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] During this thing, right before shooting, his eyebrow would crawl down his face to where a mustache would be.

[12:54] Leaving him with a mustache and one huge eyebrow and just baldness over the other eye.

Dan McCoy

[12:59] It is weird, though, having seen Lee Pace reach sort of new heights of fame, I think, for his career.

[13:07] Like, appearing in Lincoln this last year and then dialing it back to when he was appearing in Marmaduke.

[13:12] It was three years ago.

[13:13] I mean...

[13:13] No, I know.

Elliott Kalan

[13:14] A lot can happen.

[13:15] Sure.

[13:16] In that time.

Dan McCoy

[13:17] Mm-hmm.

[13:17] In a New York minute, man.

Elliott Kalan

[13:19] Everything could change.

[13:20] So anyway, speaking of a New York minute, they're moving to California.

[13:25] The O.C.

[13:26] Where Lee Pace has gotten...

[13:28] And they both watch a scene of the O.C.

[13:30] And then the California Here We Come song plays in the soundtrack.

[13:36] You have a beautiful voice.

[13:38] Thanks, buddy.

[13:38] Yeah.

[13:39] It's beautiful in the same way a really ugly person can be beautiful when you look at them in the right way.

[13:44] Yeah, well, if you love them enough...

Dan McCoy

[13:46] Yeah, exactly.

[13:46] Anything looks beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[13:47] It's similar to in...

[13:49] I think it's in Time Indefinite where there's a long shot of a tumor and it slowly becomes somewhat beautiful just through your pure exposure to it.

[13:58] Yeah.

[13:59] Anyway.

[14:00] So let's keep going.

[14:01] He works for a company called Bark Organic, an organic dog food company.

[14:06] And the boss, William H. Macy, wants it to get into Petco, finally be a nationwide pet food company.

Stuart Wellington

[14:14] And instead of...

[14:15] This is a pet food company.

[14:16] Instead of having an office building, they just have a giant dog park that they walk around in.

Elliott Kalan

[14:20] They just meet at the dog park because William H. Macy loves dogs.

[14:24] The way dogs love trucks, William H. Macy loves dogs.

[14:27] If that movie, Must Love Dogs, was about William H. Macy, it would just say love dogs.

[14:31] It wouldn't say must.

[14:32] You'd know he would.

[14:33] Yeah.

[14:33] He'd be perfect for it.

[14:35] So they meet there and Lee Pace decides to convince William H. Macy eventually...

[14:42] Actually, I'm running ahead.

[14:43] Anyway, they work in a dog park.

[14:45] Oh, please don't run ahead.

[14:46] Which introduces all the...

[14:47] There's so many ins, so many outs.

[14:48] Which introduces the dogs, which are split up in cliques, much like in Bratz.

[14:53] Now, Bratz, for all its dumbness, was a lot of fun.

[14:57] Marmaduke, for all its dumbness, is like having your soul shredded for eternity by Freddy.

[15:03] Like, it's a painful watch from the horribly CGI animated Marmaduke that dances, and for

[15:11] some reason, they couldn't quite get the proportions right on the model, so his head is just that

[15:15] much too small, to, well, we'll get to the exciting sewer rescue scene.

[15:23] We're hearing, knowing that Steve Coogan, who is a, what's that, comedy genius, maybe?

[15:29] Sure.

[15:30] Amazing performer, knowing that he has to do a stereotypical English professor type voice,

[15:35] so it can be put in the mouth of a tiny dog for the Marmaduke movie.

[15:39] Anyway, there's a lot of cliques in the dog park ruled over by Bosco.

[15:43] Yeah.

[15:43] A, what is he, a Doberman or something?

Dan McCoy

[15:46] Something like that.

[15:46] Yeah, and there's no scarier name, as Elliot pointed out, than Bosco.

[15:50] Bosco.

Elliott Kalan

[15:50] A name that reminds you, maybe, of chocolate milk, and maybe of the-

Dan McCoy

[15:55] And the Warner Brothers character that preceded all of the famous Warner Brothers characters.

Elliott Kalan

[15:59] The pre-Looney Tunes blackface Warner Brothers character, who mostly just danced by bobbing

[16:04] up and down on his knees a lot.

[16:05] Yeah, the Up Iwerks style, like, hey!

Dan McCoy

[16:08] It's me, Bosco!

Elliott Kalan

[16:10] Love me!

[16:11] It sounds horrifying.

[16:13] Ha ha ha!

[16:14] I see you when you're sleeping!

[16:15] I'm Bosco!

Stuart Wellington

[16:18] Sounds like a pretty scary dog.

Elliott Kalan

[16:21] So Bosco is voiced by Kiefer Sutherland.

[16:23] Kiefer Sutherland?

[16:23] Flophouse fave!

[16:25] Yeah, mirrors star, Kiefer Sutherland.

[16:27] And, oh, there's a big dividing line between the purebreed pedigree dogs and the mutts.

[16:34] Armadook's a mutt, which means he makes friends with a dog named Maisie, voiced by Emma Stone,

[16:39] who is the tomboy dog, which means nothing.

[16:41] Because dogs don't wear clothes or have gender identity issues that way.

[16:46] Dogs will hump each other.

[16:47] Men hump men.

[16:49] Women hump men.

[16:49] Women hump women.

[16:50] Dogs hump all over.

Stuart Wellington

[16:51] That's a big stand you're making about marriage equality, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[16:55] I'm just saying everyone should be like the dogs and just hump away wherever.

Dan McCoy

[17:00] But it is, as we briefly discussed, confusing.

[17:03] Because you have the voice of the very attractive Emma Stone coming out of a dog.

[17:08] A sexy dog body.

[17:09] And you're like, am I supposed to be attracted to this dog?

[17:11] A sexy dog's body.

[17:12] It is not a sexy dog's body.

[17:14] It's a really curvaceous dog.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] I could see Dan was having a lot of trouble, though, because if he closed his eyes, he would

[17:19] get a boner.

[17:19] But if he opened his eyes, they would go away.

[17:22] Which is too bad, because dogs like bones.

[17:25] Anyway, moving along.

[17:27] Marmadook's-

[17:28] The words of Wayne's world.

[17:29] She'd give a dog a bone.

[17:31] Marmadook's-

[17:32] The purebred dog whose Bosco's girlfriend, voiced by Friggy.

[17:36] Not Friggy the Royal.

[17:37] Oddly more attractive this way.

[17:39] Ouch.

[17:40] But Maisie clearly-

Stuart Wellington

[17:41] You heard that right, Josh Duhamel.

[17:43] You know where to find me.

Dan McCoy

[17:44] I don't think Josh Duhamel does know where to find me.

Stuart Wellington

[17:47] He knows where to find me.

[17:49] He knows where to find me.

Dan McCoy

[17:50] I'm in Brooklyn.

[17:51] He turns into Popeye.

Elliott Kalan

[17:52] He challenges somebody.

[17:54] He turns into Popeye.

[17:56] Because being Popeye gives him strength.

[17:58] He doesn't know about the spinach part.

[18:00] He thinks Popeye got his strength from tattoos on his arms of irons.

[18:04] Yeah.

[18:04] But irons, of anchors.

[18:06] Whatever.

[18:07] Anyway, it's late.

[18:08] Maisie obviously has a crush on Marmadook, but Marmadook only has eyes for Jezebel.

[18:12] He doesn't give a shit.

[18:13] He doesn't want no tomboy dog.

[18:15] But Marmadook's got to look cool, because otherwise the pedigrees aren't going to like him.

[18:19] So he arranges with his roommate, a cat, to pretend-

Stuart Wellington

[18:23] Voiced by George Lopez.

[18:24] Voiced by George Lopez.

[18:25] Razzie nominee, George Lopez.

Elliott Kalan

[18:27] George Lopez was nominated for a Razzie for this role, but he's pretty much the most entertaining

[18:31] thing in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[18:32] And I'm not, you know, like I've never been a George Lopez fan, but after this movie, I'm

[18:36] like, well, you know, in a cast full of real professionals, you stood out, George Lopez.

Elliott Kalan

[18:41] If I watch the George Lopez show and I just close my eyes and pretend a cat's saying that

[18:45] stuff.

[18:46] Hilarious.

[18:46] Amazing stuff.

[18:47] Boner.

[18:48] Marmadook has Carlos the cat, pretends to be beaten up by Marmadook.

Stuart Wellington

[18:52] Do you think they gave him the name when they realized he had a, like, a Spanish accent?

[18:58] Or did he-

[19:00] Yeah, before that he was named Charles.

[19:02] Or did he develop the accent after they called him Carlos?

Dan McCoy

[19:04] When they originally wanted Tom Noonan to do the voice, the cat was named Charles.

[19:08] You do make a good point, which is the owners of the cat can't hear the cat, so why did

[19:15] they name him Carlos?

Stuart Wellington

[19:16] I'm presuming that they can't, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:18] I have to assume they adopted him from Mexico.

[19:18] Or they just ignore him like assholes.

[19:20] No, no, Elliot, that's not a cat.

[19:22] That's a Mexican sewer rat.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] And it's got rabies.

[19:25] Podcasts to tell in the dark.

[19:29] And it's beehive hairdo is full of spiders.

[19:32] Who the fuck-

[19:33] The dog is coming from inside the house.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] Who did the illustrations for those?

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] I don't remember his name, but they're super scary and they actually changed them for the

[19:41] new edition of the book.

Dan McCoy

[19:41] No, they're terrifying.

[19:42] Like, I remember when I was a kid, I had the scary stories to tell in the dark.

[19:46] I remember very specifically-

[19:47] Here's the problem with scary stories to tell in the dark.

[19:49] How are you going to read the pages?

[19:50] Can't be too dark.

[19:51] But I remember very specifically telling my parents, take this book away from me.

[19:56] It's too scary.

Elliott Kalan

[19:56] Those pictures were really scary, which is why in the new editions they don't have those

[20:00] pictures anymore.

[20:01] They have dull ones.

[20:03] And there was part of me that was like, oh man, but those pictures were so great because

[20:06] they were scary.

[20:07] But me as a kid hated them because they were so funny.

[20:09] It genuinely freaked me out.

Stuart Wellington

[20:13] Disembodied zombie heads and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[20:14] It's one step away from just having H.R.

[20:17] Geiger redo the Dr. Seuss books.

[20:19] There's all sorts of weird phallic tubes coming in a cat in the head's head.

Dan McCoy

[20:22] It's one step away from someone coming into your room as you're a child and disemboweling

[20:26] someone in front of you and then going, good night, sleep well.

Elliott Kalan

[20:29] I would say it's at least three steps away from that.

[20:32] I would say someone yelling boo as you're about to go to sleep is somewhere in the middle

[20:35] ground between those two extremes.

[20:36] Dan has a vivid imagination.

Stuart Wellington

[20:40] The line between the page and reality is very blurry.

[20:44] I know you'll find Dan has a vivid video imagination.

Elliott Kalan

[20:46] I live in the mouth of madness, guys.

[20:49] Clean sweet breath in the mouth of madness, though.

[20:51] Mouth of Dan-ness.

[20:52] Just because your mouth is full of madness doesn't mean your breath has to be crazy.

[20:56] Hi, I'm H.P.

[20:57] Lovecraft.

[20:58] And I'm John Carpenter.

[21:01] For Colgate.

[21:04] Colgate?

[21:04] For Colgate.

[21:06] The coldest way to keep someone out of your house.

[21:13] Colgate.

[21:13] They're the coldest.

[21:14] Hi.

[21:15] They won't stop your bad breath, but they will stop other people from getting close enough

[21:18] to you to smell it.

[21:19] I'm John Carpenter, and I'm H.P.

[21:21] Lovecraft.

[21:23] Together, we're cops.

[21:26] Lovecraft and Carpenter.

[21:27] I feel like...

Dan McCoy

[21:28] Weeknights on ABC.

[21:29] This turned into like a Michael Coopperman comic, where everything changes every three panels.

Elliott Kalan

[21:37] Oh, I wish.

[21:37] Anyway, let's just say Marmaduke wins over the other dogs with his toughness against a cat,

[21:44] and then Lee Pace suggests to his dog, William H. Macy, you know what would be a great idea

[21:48] to get Petco's attention, I guess, to host a dog surfing contest.

[21:52] It's a terrible idea.

[21:53] Really play up the California angle.

[21:55] It's a terrible idea, but they do it anyway.

Dan McCoy

[21:56] Yeah, and Lee Pace has Marmaduke surf, even though Marmaduke has never surfed.

[22:01] This is like deep, deep into animal abuse.

[22:06] But, but, but, Marmaduke...

Elliott Kalan

[22:08] You've got a big but, and I want to see it.

[22:12] Marmaduke pulls through and does an amazing job on the surfboard.

[22:16] He's totally tubular.

[22:17] He's...

[22:18] People don't say that anymore, Dan.

[22:21] Yeah, he's hanging ten, idiot.

[22:22] Yeah, all right.

Dan McCoy

[22:24] I do want to, I do want to note that Lee Pace's daughter has, like...

Stuart Wellington

[22:30] No, I don't want to hear this, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[22:32] This is going to get gross.

[22:32] She's a teenager, Dan.

[22:34] No, she's approached by a surfer named Bodhi, and I like to think this is a prequel to Point Break.

[22:39] That's all I wanted to say.

[22:40] There's also a surfer named Bodhi.

Stuart Wellington

[22:41] Yeah, he watched that dog surf, and he got some ideas.

[22:45] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Now, let's mention, I forgot to mention that.

[22:48] Marmaduke's owner, Lee Pace, is having trouble with his family.

[22:51] He really wants his daughter to fit in, but he keeps embarrassing her, I guess, which is what dads do.

[22:55] Yep.

[22:55] He wants his son to play soccer, but his son's not interested in soccer.

[22:59] And his wife is just unhappy for...

[23:04] Reads and unfulfilled.

[23:05] Reads and unfulfilled.

[23:05] Yeah, maybe sexually unfulfilled, because every time they get in a bed together, Marmaduke fucking farts in front of them.

[23:10] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[23:11] Looks at the camera and raises his fucking dog eyebrows.

[23:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:14] And, yeah.

[23:15] But this is an example of that plot where the dad is bad simply because he wants to do a good job at work.

Elliott Kalan

[23:23] And he's...

[23:23] It's one of these things where he's trying to bond with his kids, but he's doing it the wrong way.

[23:27] He's not listening to them, which is bad.

[23:28] But he's a perfectly nice dad.

[23:30] He's a very nice guy.

[23:31] It's a lot like Bad Dad starring Gerard Butler.

[23:33] It is just like Bad Dad starring Gerard Butler.

[23:35] That movie we made up, I think.

[23:37] It's starring Gerhard Butler, the Scottish actor who does all the backgrounds for Dave Sinner.

[23:41] Gerhard Butler, yeah.

[23:44] Anyway.

[23:45] Yeah, it's just like Soccer Dad, Bad Dad.

[23:47] Anyway.

[23:49] Everyone's upset with Lee Pace.

[23:50] And it is a kid's movie, so I can understand why you wouldn't want him to be a really bad dad who's, like, abusive.

[23:56] But you could up the conflict to a believable level.

[23:59] Right.

[23:59] But it is a kid's movie, so they want it to be nice.

Dan McCoy

[24:00] But we were talking about, like, how this movie is about things that kids care about, which is, number one, the struggle to impress your boss at work.

[24:10] And number two, romantic conflict between, like, a love triangle.

[24:14] A love triangle.

Elliott Kalan

[24:15] Between dogs, yes.

[24:16] Between dogs.

[24:17] Yeah, if there's anything little kids love and don't find gross or boring, it's romance and kissing and work.

[24:24] Yep.

[24:25] I'm just amazed.

[24:27] It seems like the obvious plot for this movie is Marmaduke gets lost.

[24:31] That's it.

[24:31] That's the obvious plot.

[24:32] And yet that happens in the movie for, like, five minutes.

[24:35] Mm-hmm.

[24:35] I mean, he can't get lost that easily.

[24:37] He's fucking huge, dude.

[24:39] That's the thing.

[24:39] He has different adventures based on his size.

[24:41] Maybe he enters a rodeo as, like, a monkey riding him or something.

[24:46] Maybe he saves a kid because he's the only one tall enough to, like, pull a branch down for the kid to climb down from.

Dan McCoy

[24:52] Also, like, I've never seen any of the Beethoven movies, but I assume, I assume from what I've been able to glean, like, the plot of the Beethoven movies is Big Dog.

[25:01] It's Marmaduke.

Elliott Kalan

[25:01] It's a big dog who gets in the way.

[25:03] And they made, like, three of those at least.

[25:04] Although there is a scene in Beethoven where he has to impress some business people.

[25:08] All right.

[25:09] But, like...

[25:10] Wait, he has to or Charles Grodin has to?

[25:12] I meant Charles Grodin.

[25:13] Sorry.

[25:13] Not Beethoven.

[25:14] Beethoven does not have a boss or a job in Beethoven.

Stuart Wellington

[25:17] Wait a minute.

[25:18] Is Charles Grodin named Beethoven?

[25:19] Because that would make Beethoven Beethoven's monster.

[25:21] Where does Mark Short figure into this?

Elliott Kalan

[25:24] Charles Grodin, that's Clifford, which is not about a dog named Clifford, which confused me to no end when the movie Clifford came out.

[25:29] But it is about a giant child.

[25:32] It's about...

[25:32] Well, it's about a Martin Short-sized child.

[25:35] Yeah, I think you're using the term giant loosely.

[25:37] Martin Short is, as his name just sells it, short.

[25:41] Beethoven is about...

[25:42] Charles Grodin plays Ludwig von Beethoven.

[25:44] Okay.

[25:45] Who goes deaf because he's always shouting at his dog.

[25:47] Yeah.

[25:47] And the dog barks in his ears too loud and deafens him.

[25:50] But yet that unlocks...

[25:51] And the dog's original name is lost to the sands of time.

[25:54] Exactly.

[25:55] Forever to be known as Beethoven's dog.

[25:57] Beethoven's dog.

[25:57] And it turns out that Beethoven writes the Fifth Symphony because his dog one day barks.

[26:02] They barks, rough, rough, rough, rough.

[26:04] And of course, music history is made.

[26:06] Yeah.

[26:07] It was released as Immortal of It.

[26:10] Story Nick Nolte as Beethoven's dog.

[26:15] Was that Nick Nolte who played Beethoven in Immortal of It?

[26:17] No, it was like...

[26:19] Was it Oldman?

[26:20] It was Gary Oldman.

[26:21] Oh, well.

[26:22] Of Scarlet Letter fame.

Stuart Wellington

[26:24] That's what he's best known for.

[26:26] Yeah, the guy that to this day defends his handsomeness.

Dan McCoy

[26:30] Yeah, and his large penis size.

[26:32] Yep.

[26:32] I'm not saying anything about his penis size.

[26:34] But it's flaccid.

[26:35] We can't make a really good judgment about it.

[26:36] And he was in cold water.

Elliott Kalan

[26:37] He was swimming in cold water.

[26:38] Yeah, come on, guys.

[26:39] Let's be fair.

[26:40] You're right.

[26:41] I'm sorry, Gary Oldman.

[26:42] Fair is fair.

[26:43] I can only say, Gary Oldman, I invite you...

Dan McCoy

[26:45] In the words of The Legend of Billie Jean, fair is fair.

Elliott Kalan

[26:47] I invite you to come here and show us your penis to prove...

[26:52] Fully erect.

[26:54] One of us will fluff it.

[26:55] Not me.

[26:56] Of your choice.

[26:58] No, no.

[26:58] Choose Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[26:59] He's just gonna fucking pick me, then.

Elliott Kalan

[27:02] Don't want him to choose.

[27:02] Because you know your way around it.

[27:04] Yeah.

[27:05] Anyway, so...

[27:06] So, unfortunately, Marmaduke defeats Bosco the evil dog in the surfing contest.

[27:11] Bosco gets mad and makes it look...

[27:13] And has a fight with Marmaduke.

[27:14] But Marmaduke gets blamed for it.

[27:16] Much like I got blamed when kids would pick on me in school.

[27:19] So I really could relate to Marmaduke on that one.

[27:22] Wait, what?

[27:22] When I was a kid in school, I was a nerd.

[27:24] Let's face it.

[27:25] Sure.

[27:25] Get out of here.

[27:26] And I was small for my age.

[27:28] Let's face it.

[27:29] All right.

[27:29] Except for my, you know, et cetera.

[27:31] But anyway...

[27:31] You were small for your...

[27:32] What?

[27:33] Why I oughta...

[27:34] No, I'm a short man.

[27:35] What are you gonna do?

[27:36] Pocket-sized, you might say.

[27:37] I would say fun-sized.

[27:38] Yeah.

[27:39] But we all know fun-sized is just code for...

Stuart Wellington

[27:40] This candy's too small.

Dan McCoy

[27:42] I could never make it work, but I always wanted to...

[27:45] I was trying for a while to do like a stand-up joke that was like...

[27:49] Fun-sized was just like...

[27:50] They were using fun in the way a southern woman would use fun.

[27:53] It was like...

[27:54] Oh, look at that Snickers.

[27:55] That is fun.

[27:56] Look at that.

[27:57] That is a fun-sized Snickers.

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] I both like it and can see why it wouldn't work in a stand-up act.

[28:02] So anyway, I would get picked on a lot.

[28:03] And for some reason, teachers like to focus on the target of the being picked on as if they're

[28:09] bringing it to them in some way.

[28:12] Yeah.

[28:12] So I would get in trouble a lot and get sent to the principal a lot for being the butt of

[28:16] insults.

[28:16] Yeah.

[28:17] And I never understood it.

Stuart Wellington

[28:18] Yeah, because you were walking around reading a fucking book about dinosaurs, nerd.

[28:21] Dinosaurs?

[28:21] I wish.

[28:23] Dinosaurs.

Dan McCoy

[28:24] The teachers were mad because they knew that you were going to be more successful

[28:27] for them eventually.

[28:29] That's possible.

Stuart Wellington

[28:30] Imagine a universe far in the future where dinosaurs are also swords.

[28:36] I don't see how...

[28:38] It's not dinosaurs that use swords.

[28:40] No, hold on.

[28:40] Robot cowboys pick up the dinosaurs and do battle on the planes of imagination.

Dan McCoy

[28:45] I will pay you $700,000 for this movie.

[28:48] But it's in the future, so they've cloned dinos, I assume?

[28:52] No, they went to a planet where dinosaurs are there.

[28:55] Come on, keep up, Dan.

[28:56] Sure.

[28:56] It's obvious.

Stuart Wellington

[28:57] And the robot cowboys, who are giants.

[29:00] I mean, I do...

[29:01] These are like Pacific Rim style robots.

[29:02] I do have a way...

[29:03] There's a lot more personality.

Elliott Kalan

[29:04] Imagine the size of their hats.

Dan McCoy

[29:06] I do think we can sell this to ABC Saturday morning in 1984.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] 10,000 gallons.

[29:11] 10,000 gallons.

Dan McCoy

[29:11] So if you have access to a time machine...

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] We just got to get there before Dino Saucers comes out.

[29:17] Yeah.

[29:17] Do Dino Swords.

[29:19] Yep.

[29:19] You know what?

[29:19] Let's just steal the idea for Dino Saucers and sell that before they can.

[29:22] All right, guys.

[29:23] It's like a pact.

[29:23] We know it gets picked up.

[29:24] Come on.

[29:25] In fact, you know what?

[29:25] Forget Dino Saucers.

[29:26] Let's just sell the idea for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[29:29] Let's make a pact.

[29:30] In 30 years, if none of us are married...

[29:32] We'll get a time machine.

[29:34] Okay.

[29:34] We'll go back...

[29:35] I mean, we're all married now.

[29:36] I mean, things can change, Elliot.

[29:39] Can't take it for granted.

[29:40] That's true.

[29:41] Live every day like it's your last.

[29:43] So anyway, Marmaduke's in trouble, and the Petco executives are appalled by this dogfight.

[29:49] It seems like Lee Pace is in the doghouse of more than one.

[29:53] Jezebel...

[29:53] You're not allowed to say doghouse any more times.

[29:57] Marmaduke gets from Maisie her idea of a dream date, and then takes Jezebel on the dream date.

[30:02] They romance each other.

[30:03] Marmaduke throws a party while his owners are out of the house.

[30:06] Where are they?

[30:07] I don't think it's ever explained.

[30:08] And the dogs tear up the house.

[30:10] They ruin it.

[30:11] Uh-oh, but worst comes to worst, Bosco comes in, and he sees Carlos, the cat.

[30:17] And he reveals that the fight with the cat was all prearranged.

[30:20] Marmaduke is a Marma fake, as Bosco says.

[30:24] Yeah.

[30:25] Because to dogs, fake rhymes with a duke.

Dan McCoy

[30:28] Yeah.

[30:28] As you said, he could have said, we've all been Marma-duped.

[30:32] That's what I think he should have said, yeah.

[30:34] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[30:35] Marmaduke...

[30:35] He needs a better writing team, is what you're saying.

[30:37] The family gets home, and Marmaduke gets in trouble.

[30:40] Marmaduke gets put in the doghouse, if you will.

[30:42] No!

[30:43] And forced to sleep outside.

[30:45] And Lee Pace, his family is mad at him, so he is in the doghouse, if you will.

[30:51] I won't.

[30:52] It starts to rain.

[30:53] And Marmaduke, I guess to remind Lee Pace that he has children, takes his children the unopened soccer jersey that his son never wore, and the daughter's cell phone, which has a text on it about how lame her dad is, leaves them for Lee Pace to wake up to, and Marmaduke then runs off into the rain.

[31:10] It feels like a dick move on Marmaduke.

[31:11] Yeah, like a shitty Christmas gift.

[31:11] It is.

[31:12] Yeah.

[31:13] And then Marmaduke runs, runs into the mystic night.

[31:15] The truth fairy just dropped some knowledge bombs on you, Lee Pace.

[31:18] $20, please.

[31:20] It takes your teeth and gives you truth, because teeth and truth sound kind of similar.

[31:25] When you're deaf, which tooth fairies are.

[31:27] Or should I say, truth fairies.

[31:31] In fact, they're totally different fairies.

[31:32] I don't know why I got them mixed up.

[31:34] Let's not also forget the Don Bluth fairies, who leave animated movies that are never quite as good as you want them to be.

[31:40] Hey, hey, hey.

[31:41] Hey.

[31:41] I really like the secret of the...

[31:42] Yeah, I forgot you love the pebble and the fucking penguin.

[31:45] I forgot a gnome named Norm or whatever it is, or gnome in Central Park, which everyone was him.

[31:50] Your big Balto booster.

[31:51] Yeah, Rock-A-Doodle.

[31:53] I forgot about Rock-A-Doodle.

[31:55] He didn't do Rover Dangerfield, did he?

[31:56] I don't think so.

[31:57] I don't think he did.

Stuart Wellington

[31:58] I hope so.

Elliott Kalan

[32:00] So anyway, Marmaduke goes on the run, and he runs into a...

Stuart Wellington

[32:03] That's a dog that has a good riding team behind him.

[32:07] Roger Doggerfield.

[32:11] Yeah.

[32:11] He doesn't get no respect.

[32:13] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[32:14] That dog.

[32:14] Well, why would you respect a dog?

[32:15] No.

[32:16] It doesn't make sense.

[32:16] He would have said Marmaduke.

[32:18] He would have said Marmaduke, because he has the better writers.

[32:20] Yeah.

[32:20] He would have said Marma-fucked, because he's a little bluer for the results.

[32:24] He's blue for the later show.

[32:26] So Marmaduke, he runs into and thinks he's going to be in danger from the Chupadagra, a

[32:31] giant mastiff voiced by Sam Elliott, because this movie has the best casting director in Hollywood.

Stuart Wellington

[32:36] But it turns out...

[32:37] That casting director must have called in so many fucking favors.

[32:41] Mm-hmm.

[32:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:43] Well, it's more like, hey, I've got a lot of money for you for walking into a sound booth

[32:50] for a day, pretending to give me a dog.

[32:52] Where do I sign up?

[32:53] I'm Sam Elliott.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] Finally, a dream come true.

[32:57] I get to make a lot of money in one afternoon.

[32:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:00] Mustache wax don't pay for itself.

Elliott Kalan

[33:01] This is why I got into the business.

[33:06] I love you, Sam Elliott.

[33:08] I do like Sam Elliott a lot.

[33:09] Sure.

[33:09] He spells Elliott correctly.

[33:11] How could I not love him?

[33:12] Anyway, but it turns out Chupadagra is not actually the fearsome dog they thought he was.

[33:18] He's a dog who ran away from home to be an alpha dog, but then was turned on by his friends

[33:22] and lost his true family.

[33:24] And now he just wanders between the winds, I guess.

[33:27] Yeah.

[33:27] Sure.

[33:28] Doling out morals to...

[33:30] To lost dogs.

[33:31] And it turns out his name was Buster.

[33:33] Marmaduke, newly inspired, runs away again.

[33:36] Yeah.

[33:36] He's really in the doghouse this time.

[33:39] No!

[33:40] Now, in the morning, the family sees that he's gone.

[33:42] They go to find him, even though Lee Pace has his last chance, second big chance presentation

[33:47] to give that day to Petco.

[33:48] But, no, the family makes him look for the dog.

[33:51] Meanwhile, Maisie, at the same time, is looking for the dog.

[33:54] That's another dog?

[33:55] That's the Emma Stone dog.

[33:56] That's Emma Stone.

[33:57] Okay.

[33:57] That's the sexy dog.

[33:59] None of them are sexy dogs.

[34:02] I will say, though, as far as dogs go, Maisie is sexier than Jezebel.

[34:06] It's just like Teen Wolf, where the friend is way sexier than the supposed hot girl.

Dan McCoy

[34:11] Booth is much hotter than...

[34:11] She's way hotter and cuter than Blondie McBlondo.

[34:14] Booth is kind of like a little Phoebe Cates-y.

[34:17] You know what?

[34:18] I think...

[34:18] And Dan loves Phoebe Cates.

[34:19] I do love Phoebe Cates.

Stuart Wellington

[34:20] Well, we all love Phoebe Cates.

[34:21] Come on.

[34:21] How can you not?

[34:22] Come on, Stuart.

[34:24] Kevin Kline likes Phoebe Cates, too.

[34:26] Yeah, they're married.

[34:26] They're married.

[34:28] The only people...

[34:29] You called Kevin Kline.

[34:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:31] No, I texted him.

Dan McCoy

[34:32] What do you think about Phoebe Cates?

[34:33] He's like, Stuart, you realize I'm married, right?

[34:36] How did you get this number?

Elliott Kalan

[34:38] And how did I know that you're Stuart?

[34:41] I put myself in your phone, Kevin Kline.

[34:45] Anyway, Princess Caribou.

[34:47] So, continuing.

[34:50] They're all looking for Marmaduke.

[34:51] They finally all converge on.

[34:53] And this comes out of nowhere.

[34:55] Yeah.

[34:55] A sinkhole in the middle of the streets of LA.

[34:57] Maisie falls into it, into the sewers.

[35:00] Yeah, the ground crumbles beneath their feet.

[35:02] It's like the fucking part in Ghostbusters before they're about to walk into the building.

[35:06] And the ground is crumbling apart.

Dan McCoy

[35:07] I hate that.

[35:09] Saving the day.

[35:10] Worst song in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[35:12] There's so many good songs in Ghostbusters.

Dan McCoy

[35:14] Something diving me insane.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] Because we needed to fill the space in this montage.

[35:25] We need to explain what the Ghostbusters are about to do.

[35:28] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[35:29] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[35:30] Why are the Ghostbusters coming out?

[35:32] The Ghostbusters are traveling to where the problem is.

[35:34] Are they going to try to make it worse?

[35:36] Are they going there to give in to Gozer and join forces?

[35:40] No, Ghostbusters.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] No, don't do it.

[35:41] Don't do it, Ghostbusters.

[35:42] Don't do it, Ghostbusters.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] Oh, thank goodness.

[35:45] The Ghostbusters are still good guys.

[35:47] They haven't yet turned towards evil.

[35:49] Thank God, Ghostbusters.

[35:50] Anyway.

[35:51] I'm going to be scared there for a second.

[35:52] Marmaduke falls in the sewer.

[35:53] What accident was that?

[35:56] I'm going to say Philadelphia.

[35:59] Marmaduke falls in the sewer and saves Maisie.

[36:01] A rescue worker saves Maisie.

[36:03] Contaminating the city's water supply.

[36:05] With Big Dog.

[36:06] Yep.

[36:06] A rescue worker can pull up Maisie, but Marmaduke's too big.

[36:09] The sewer water pushes him forward and he gets lost in the tunnels.

[36:13] A la Third Man.

[36:14] Exactly.

[36:15] He gets pushed into one of those big aqueducts that they chase through in Terminator 2.

[36:20] That are outside.

[36:21] Yeah.

[36:22] And Lee Pace saves him.

[36:23] That are in every movie set in LA.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:26] Where the once mighty LA river trickles through like the puny little shitty river it is.

[36:33] And he saves Marmaduke at the last minute.

[36:36] Marmaduke and him.

[36:38] I think they're talking to each other for a while.

[36:40] It seems for a second.

[36:41] It really doesn't matter.

[36:42] It really doesn't matter.

[36:43] The important thing is.

Dan McCoy

[36:44] The important thing is for no reason there's a sinkhole rescue at the end of this Marmaduke movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:48] At the end of Marmaduke they decide to action it up.

[36:50] They needed a big climax for Marmaduke.

[36:53] Well they said there's nothing bigger than Marmaduke.

[36:56] The very earth itself would have to swallow him up.

[36:59] Of course.

[37:01] And it turns out.

Stuart Wellington

[37:02] He's earth's mightiest dog.

[37:04] But there's never been a sinkhole in LA before.

Elliott Kalan

[37:07] And Lee Pace has been fired by his boss over the phone for not showing up on time.

[37:12] Lee Pace finds.

[37:13] He says well I guess we're moving back to Kansas.

[37:15] And his family goes no we love it here.

[37:17] It turns out that the daughter has hit it off with Bodie the surfer.

[37:20] And the son may not be into soccer but he isn't into skateboarding.

[37:23] And he's found some cool friends.

[37:25] So some cool kids to do drugs with apparently.

[37:27] And the kids also recorded the whole rescue and put it on YouTube.

Dan McCoy

[37:31] And luckily William H. Macy who was a nut for dogs respects the fact that Lee Pace would rather save his dog from a sinkhole than come to work.

Elliott Kalan

[37:39] Which is also anyone should respect that he saved a living thing rather than go to work.

Dan McCoy

[37:46] And then there's a horrific scene of a bunch of dogs dancing to.

Elliott Kalan

[37:52] There is almost no justification for this.

[37:54] It comes almost entirely of nowhere.

[37:57] Well Marmaduke goes and he tells the pedigrees that they all have to mix.

[38:01] All the dogs are equal.

[38:02] Whatever.

Dan McCoy

[38:03] He throws over Fergie for Emma Stone.

Elliott Kalan

[38:05] For Emma Stone and all the dogs are okay.

[38:07] All dogs go to heaven.

[38:08] Dogger Stone.

[38:09] And Bosco gets chased away by a bee.

[38:11] And in one of many.

[38:12] And then they all dance to What I Like About You.

[38:15] All CGI dogs.

[38:16] It's terrible.

[38:17] But let me just say one thing and it's going to lead to a larger point about Marmaduke.

[38:22] Bosco says.

[38:23] Is there a larger point about Marmaduke?

[38:24] Yes.

[38:24] And I'm getting to it.

[38:26] Bosco says.

[38:27] You're going to find that Payback is a bee.

[38:30] Because a bee hits him on the nose.

[38:31] And he goes.

[38:31] Ah.

[38:31] A bee.

[38:32] That makes perfect sense.

[38:32] And runs away.

[38:33] I don't like.

[38:34] He was going to say Payback's a bitch.

[38:35] He was going to say Payback's a bitch.

[38:36] This is a kid's movie.

[38:37] There are so many.

[38:37] Don't trust the bee in Apartment 23.

[38:39] There are so many quote unquote jokes in this movie.

[38:41] The kid's movie.

[38:42] That's about a bitch?

[38:43] No, it's about a bee.

[38:44] It's about a giant bee that.

[38:45] An untrustworthy bee.

[38:47] But the bee is always laid out of his rent.

[38:48] A bee that you wouldn't want to like.

Dan McCoy

[38:49] Yeah.

[38:50] You wouldn't want to like.

[38:50] He always eats the stuff in your fridge.

[38:52] Take care of your cat while you're away.

[38:53] You find out whose friend who's a lost.

[38:55] I'll just sting the shit on my cat.

Elliott Kalan

[38:56] Yeah.

[38:56] We can only sting the cat once.

[38:58] Then the stinger gets pulled out and he dies.

[39:00] Yeah.

[39:00] That's really sad.

[39:01] That's why that sugar.

[39:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:03] The bee died after it strikes them.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] Yeah.

[39:06] It was Sweep Sweek.

[39:08] It was called Stings for Sweeps.

[39:10] Now.

[39:11] Okay.

[39:11] There's a lot of jokes in this supposed kids movie that are jokes for grownups.

[39:15] There's a lot of drug references.

[39:17] There's references to movies kids would have seen that adults would not have seen.

[39:21] There's like a lot.

[39:22] There's a reverse.

[39:24] What?

[39:24] Movies that kids wouldn't have seen.

[39:25] Oh, sorry.

[39:25] A lot of movies that kids would not have seen.

[39:28] Like irreversible.

[39:30] There's a nine minute rape scene that is very inappropriate.

[39:33] Very inappropriate.

Stuart Wellington

[39:35] But it kind of explains why Marbadook's such an asshole to everybody.

[39:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:38] It's one of those movies where it's supposedly for kids.

[39:41] But they feel like, well, we got to entertain the adults too.

[39:44] And instead of then doing what say like Pixar does and crafting a strong story with a real

[39:49] emotional core so that adults get drawn into it also, they just fill it up with a bunch

[39:53] of shitty like references and like jokes about swear words and things like that.

[39:58] It worked for Shrek, dude.

[39:59] Unfortunately, it worked for Shrek.

[40:01] And the ending where they all dance to What I Like About You seems so stolen from the end

[40:05] of Shrek when they sing and dance to I Believe in Miracles, right?

[40:09] No, no.

[40:09] It's Believer.

[40:10] Sorry.

Dan McCoy

[40:11] That I saw her thing?

[40:12] Yeah, yeah.

[40:12] Sorry.

[40:13] It's another stupid song about believing.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] So.

[40:16] So it's like, it's this whole second rate, second hand, cliched, crappy movie that has no audience.

[40:22] It's not for kids, not for adults.

[40:25] But I'm such a huge not fan of that aspect of kids movies these days.

[40:30] And it's a problem I have with both Smurfs and Smurfs 2 that the tagline is Smurf happens,

[40:35] which is a play on shit happens.

[40:37] Like this isn't like.

[40:38] Okay.

[40:39] Like a kid shouldn't get that.

[40:41] Shit does happen.

[40:41] It's inappropriate to bring a play on the word shit into the advertising campaign for a kids movie.

Dan McCoy

[40:45] Like if you do a really good thing for children that is like, is not obviously doing something for adults.

[40:53] I mean like it may have like the wit of something for adults, but it's not obviously doing for something.

[40:57] It's still going to be enjoyed by adults.

[40:59] It's still going to be enjoyed by adults.

[40:59] Like I feel like the stories about Winnie the Pooh, for instance.

[41:02] Like they've got some very funny stuff in them that can be enjoyed by adults.

[41:07] But there's nothing in there that is not aimed at a child.

[41:10] Yeah.

[41:12] I agree.

[41:12] And that's the opposite of Marmaduke.

Stuart Wellington

[41:14] I would also say that the Marmaduke comics are about this big ass dog that this family has to put up with.

[41:22] And the movie is about this dog who has to put up with this asshole owner basically.

[41:27] And it completely loses the point of the comic strip.

[41:30] Yeah, right.

[41:31] They really weren't true to them.

[41:31] Just like fucking Watchmen all over again.

[41:35] So.

Dan McCoy

[41:35] Yep, this is like the Watchmen of giant dog movies.

[41:39] Somehow we've managed to talk for a very long time about Marmaduke.

[41:41] So quickly, final judgments.

[41:43] This is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, a movie you kind of like.

[41:46] Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[41:47] This was a bad bad movie.

[41:48] I didn't like it at all.

[41:49] It was terrible.

[41:51] I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[41:52] Elliot.

[41:53] Let's make it unanimous.

[41:53] Bad bad movie.

[41:54] I hated this and I hate our fans for wanting us to watch it.

[41:57] No, I'm just kidding.

[41:58] I love you guys.

Stuart Wellington

[41:59] I am glad that a lot of people I like got paid money probably to make this.

[42:02] Well, that's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[42:03] Judy Greer.

[42:04] You deserve it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:05] If there's a welfare program for good actors that involves them being paid a lot of money

[42:09] to be in shitty movies, ultimately I'm okay with that.

[42:13] I just wish that they made good movies instead.

Dan McCoy

[42:16] Before we move on to letters, I just want to quickly say it's been very nice on the Judge

[42:22] John Hodgman podcast.

[42:23] We were mentioned by Mr. Jesse Thorne and Mr. John Hodgman.

Stuart Wellington

[42:29] And begrudgingly mentioned by Mr. John Hodgman.

Dan McCoy

[42:31] And also on Jordan Jesse Go, the Flophouse has come up a couple of times and I want to extend thanks to them for bringing them up.

[42:43] Those are two podcasts that I personally...

Stuart Wellington

[42:45] And they're not even contractually obligated to say anything.

Dan McCoy

[42:47] No, no.

[42:48] We're in different podcast networks.

[42:49] But those are podcasts that I love myself.

[42:53] Jordan Jesse Go was one of the reasons I started this podcast.

[42:56] It was an inspiration to me.

[42:58] And so I appreciate...

[42:59] I appreciate...

Elliott Kalan

[43:00] It's like an intercompany podcast crossover.

[43:02] Yeah.

[43:03] Like when the Hulk would fight Batman.

Stuart Wellington

[43:05] So maybe John Hodgman will come sit in here in place of me and you guys can have a talk, Elliot.

[43:09] Maybe.

[43:09] You guys can hash things out.

[43:10] Maybe.

[43:10] Like a real WTF.

[43:12] Yeah.

[43:13] Get to the bottom of your beef.

[43:14] Speaking of...

[43:15] Like a real WWF.

Elliott Kalan

[43:16] Speaking of other podcasts, I'd like to briefly plug...

[43:18] It's WWE, not Dan.

[43:19] A relatively recent addition to the All Things Comedy Podcasting Network, a podcast called Writer's Block with J.R. Havilland.

[43:26] He is another writer at The Daily Show and it is a podcast where he interviews comedy writers about their process and whatever.

[43:33] It's a little different from WTF because it's comedy writers specifically and not comedians.

[43:38] But he has some great interviews in it.

[43:40] There's an episode where he interviews Neil Brennan that I found particularly fantastic.

[43:44] So check it out on the All Things Comedy Network and then listen to some other ones too.

Dan McCoy

[43:48] So moving on to letters.

[43:51] This first letter is titled The Flophouse and the Train Journey from Hell.

[43:57] Is this a kid's novel?

[43:59] It's from...

Elliott Kalan

[43:59] Is this in the series of Flophouse?

[44:01] I can read adventure stories.

Dan McCoy

[44:02] It's from Andy, last name with health.

[44:04] He says...

[44:04] Borrow it.

[44:05] Good afternoon, gang.

[44:06] I'd just like to thank The Flophouse for keeping me sane and putting a smile on my face during the train journey from hell last Friday night.

[44:14] The rust bucket train was two hours late, last cleaned in 1973.

[44:19] The toilet was a sibling to Train Spotting's worst toilet in Scotland and there was not a single announcement so he had no idea where he was.

[44:25] Best of all were the cast of the characters on the train of the damned.

[44:30] Including but not limited to...

[44:31] A man who seemed to have three wives who would not stop singing.

[44:36] A skinhead in my compartment who made increasingly angry phone calls in between trying to chat up the ladies of the train.

[44:42] A father passed out drunk while his children almost fell out the windows.

[44:45] And dozens of filthy children who were playing on the tracks up until a minute before the train arrived.

[44:51] Where was this train?

[44:52] Where were you going?

[44:53] Well, he says, anyway...

[44:54] To fucking lap me out to visit Dr. Doom or something?

[44:56] Advice from flopper to flopper, never travel with Romanian regional railways.

[45:02] Keep up the good work.

Elliott Kalan

[45:03] Never having done that, I think I'm going to say I would have said that advice if only because, you know, it's going to be a train of fucking vampires.

[45:11] Yours ding-dongingly, Andy, last name with hell.

[45:13] Well, thanks for listening, Andy, and we're glad we got you safely through the land of wind and ghosts.

[45:19] Mm-hmm.

[45:20] Romanian.

[45:22] But moving on to...

[45:23] I hope he wasn't eaten by a werewolf right after he sent that letter.

Stuart Wellington

[45:25] Moving on to some questions for us.

[45:27] Hey, floppers...

[45:28] You gave it to a very ominous-looking postman.

[45:31] Who transformed into a bat moments later.

Dan McCoy

[45:34] Dear floppers, Two Things Hots is now available streaming on Hulu.

[45:37] Awesome.

[45:38] And while it requires you to register due to the copious nudity, I disagree with the assertion that the film is intended for mature audiences.

Elliott Kalan

[45:45] No, it's intended for 13-year-olds.

Dan McCoy

[45:48] Secondly, if you could create your own 80s teen-sploitation romp, but the plot did not involve saving a failing business from an evil developer played by Martin Mull, what would it be?

[45:59] Yeah, why bother?

[46:00] Keep on flopping.

[46:02] Bill, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[46:03] That's a good question.

[46:05] A sexploitation romp.

[46:07] I mean, I think it would be called like Top Busters.

[46:09] It would be about women who don't wear tops.

[46:11] Do we need a plot beyond that?

Stuart Wellington

[46:13] I was going to say, okay, so you have some big-breasted ladies, and they are members of some kind of elite police squad that operate outside the law.

[46:25] So kind of like the Andy Sedaris movies.

[46:28] Kind of.

[46:28] Yeah, similar to that.

[46:29] Almost like a Cuffs situation with way more nudity.

[46:34] What about like...

[46:35] Like shower police.

[46:36] They're called the shower police.

Elliott Kalan

[46:37] Shower police.

Stuart Wellington

[46:38] They only break up crimes that are occurring in showers.

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] They only deal with shower-related crimes.

[46:41] And of course, they take showers after the crimes.

Dan McCoy

[46:44] Yeah, you got to clean all that blood off.

[46:46] What about like a nude school USA?

[46:50] You've been thinking about this.

[46:51] Yeah, you wrote the script already.

[46:53] Like, I don't know what, like maybe...

[46:56] You'll take a producer credit is what you're saying.

[46:57] Yeah, what you're saying is...

[46:58] It's a town where like their biggest export is pants, and so they hate shirts.

[47:03] So like there's a bunch of topless women in school.

Elliott Kalan

[47:05] I would say there's a problem between the townies and the gownies.

[47:10] Sure.

[47:10] But the problem is the townies are the ones wearing gowns.

[47:13] And the nude school USA...

[47:15] A nude school U?

[47:16] Yeah, sure.

[47:17] Let's call it a nude school University USA.

[47:18] They have to convince the townspeople to take off their clothes and live free.

[47:22] But there's a crusty old dean, played by a 19-year-old, who's trying to throw out all the sororities and the fraternities.

[47:31] The fraternities are also girls' organizations.

[47:34] It's an all-girls school.

[47:35] Yeah.

[47:36] I like it.

[47:37] Also, let's just call one Lesbian Beach.

[47:40] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[47:42] Starring Ronda Shear.

[47:44] As Sandy Beach.

[47:49] Christy Ducati as a lesbian.

[47:52] This next letter is titled, Questions for the Floppers.

[47:57] Hey, Floppers.

[47:58] Shoot.

[47:58] Just a couple of questions I have for you.

[48:01] Now, there's one for each of us, so...

[48:03] So I won't answer all of them.

[48:04] I'll just run through all of them.

[48:05] Okay.

[48:06] How are we doing this?

[48:07] Ask wisely.

[48:09] I'll run through all of them, then we'll circle back.

Stuart Wellington

[48:10] So you don't want us to interrupt you each time.

[48:12] No.

Dan McCoy

[48:13] So, number one, Stuart.

[48:16] Okay, that's me.

[48:16] Bigger Disappointment.

[48:18] Dollman vs. Demonic Toys or Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys?

[48:23] Two, Elliot.

[48:24] Most Overrated and Most Underrated Musicals.

[48:28] Three, Dan.

[48:29] F. Mary Kill.

[48:31] Leanna Quigley.

[48:32] Joan Severance.

[48:33] Linda Blair.

[48:34] Circa Zapped Again.

[48:36] So, uh...

[48:37] Oh, Cycling Back, Stuart.

[48:39] Bigger Disappointment.

[48:40] Dollman vs. Demonic Toys or Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys?

Stuart Wellington

[48:44] Uh...

[48:45] I would probably say...

[48:46] I think Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys is a bigger disappointment

[48:49] just because I think it has such a rich mythos.

[48:51] So many great characters that you can't really fit them all into...

[48:54] I think it was like a 65-minute movie.

[48:57] We've got to have time at the end for that Full Moon Entertainment ad

[49:00] for all the other movies.

[49:01] Exactly.

[49:02] I think...

[49:03] I mean, The Workshop has so many great...

[49:06] great characters like the leech woman

[49:08] and the little German-looking guy that shoots out flame

[49:11] or the guy with the little knives.

[49:13] Let's not forget...

[49:13] Six-shooter.

[49:14] Yeah, six-shooter's amazing.

[49:15] And he didn't even show up until like two or three.

[49:17] What about Drilly?

[49:19] Yeah, the basic drill head guy.

[49:21] Yeah, sure.

[49:22] Yeah, he's the vanilla Puppet Master Puppet.

Elliott Kalan

[49:24] He's the Leonardo Cyclops of Puppet Master characters.

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] No, that would be like the guy that's actually a midget but with a little pinhead.

[49:34] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:35] A doll that drills into people is pretty cool.

Stuart Wellington

[49:37] I'm not saying he's not cool, but that's like saying a man-sized turtle with two katanas isn't cool.

[49:45] Yeah, he sounds pretty cool, but let's check him out.

[49:48] Personality-wise, though, kind of a dud.

[49:51] But yeah, Doll Men vs. Demonic Toys is better.

Dan McCoy

[49:54] All right, Elliot.

[49:55] Most overrated and most underrated musicals?

Elliott Kalan

[49:58] I'm going to say most overrated musicals, and this can be controversial, is a tie for me between An American in Paris.

[50:03] I agree.

[50:04] Which I'm not a fan of aside from the ballet sequence.

[50:07] And The Bandwagon, which I'm also not a fan of aside from the Mickey Spillane-inspired dance number.

[50:14] And there is one super creepy dance number where Fred Astaire and the other two leads are dressed up like little kids and are singing about how they hate and want to kill each other.

[50:23] And it's like in a John Waters movie, yes, works great.

[50:26] In a Fred Astaire musical with Sid Charisse, no, that's weird.

[50:29] I love Fred Astaire.

[50:30] Love Sid Charisse.

[50:30] Don't like The Bandwagon.

[50:31] Most underrated musical, I would say, would be Dames, a musical from the 30s that I'm a particular fan of with Dick Powell and basically everyone else that was in Warner Brothers movies and musicals in the 30s.

[50:44] It's really silly and goofy and funny, and there's a number of great musical numbers in it.

[50:49] Some of Busby Berkeley's best work, in my opinion.

[50:51] Dames.

[50:52] That's the one you should seek out.

Dan McCoy

[50:54] And for me, the question was F. Mary, Quick Kill, Leanna Quigley, Joan Severance, and Melinda Blair.

[51:00] You almost said F. Murray, Abraham.

Elliott Kalan

[51:01] Yeah, I know.

[51:02] Well, it's hard.

[51:03] Instead of F. Mary, Kill.

[51:05] Let's see.

[51:06] I would F. Joan Severance and I would Murray Melinda Blair, and I guess I'd Abraham the other one.

Dan McCoy

[51:12] The problem is he did not write F. Mary, Kill.

[51:15] He wrote F. Mary, Kill.

[51:17] So there's no way that you're not going to start saying F. Mary, Abraham.

[51:21] Yeah, I get it.

[51:22] F. Mary, Kill.

[51:23] I like that as a new game.

[51:24] Leanna Quigley.

[51:25] Quigley.

[51:26] Joan Severance, Linda Blair, Circa Zapped again.

[51:28] Now, I don't want to kill anyone.

[51:31] Sure.

[51:31] But if you had to.

[51:32] But the rules of the game.

[51:33] The rules of the game.

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] The rules of the game say you must.

[51:36] Yeah.

[51:36] Want to play a little game?

[51:38] Let's call it F. Mary, Abraham.

[51:41] You've got to find F. Mary, Abraham.

[51:44] In this box of packing peanuts.

[51:48] Is he even in this box?

[51:49] You're going to have to find out.

[51:51] If you don't find him within five minutes.

[51:53] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[51:54] In this box of packing peanuts.

[51:56] Yeah.

[51:57] It's like a shoebox, too.

[51:59] How far he's fallen since Amadeus.

[52:02] Oh, he's fallen very far.

[52:03] No, I, you know.

[52:04] All right, kill if I have to Linda Blair.

[52:07] I'm sorry.

[52:08] Sorry, Linda.

[52:09] Oof.

[52:09] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[52:09] Just try to, dude.

[52:11] If you've ever seen Savage Streets, you know she'll serve you up some hot death with her

Dan McCoy

[52:14] crossbow.

[52:15] Vengeance.

[52:16] Uh.

[52:17] Now, between fuck and marry.

[52:19] Fuck Joan Severance.

[52:20] Of course.

[52:21] Marry Leanna Quigley, because she's got all these great stories of her days as a scream

[52:25] queen.

[52:26] A skrink queen?

[52:27] A skrink queen.

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] A scream queen.

[52:28] Yeah, man.

[52:29] It's easy.

[52:30] And what would you do with F. Marie Abraham?

[52:33] I would also marry him.

[52:35] Oh.

Dan McCoy

[52:36] Because you get the financial stability of F. Marie Abraham.

[52:38] Yeah.

[52:39] His vast fortune.

[52:40] All those Star Trek insurrection dollars rolling in.

[52:44] So, our last letter of the evening is titled, Have You Seen My Hat?

[52:51] It's a very specific letter.

[52:52] Dan Stewart Elliott.

[52:53] I'm going to need a subscription.

[52:54] Have you seen my hat?

[52:56] It's a baseball cap.

[52:57] It's black.

[52:58] It's got a Coors Light logo on front and a clover behind it.

[53:02] Named after its founder, Adolph Coors.

[53:06] Quite obviously an Irish beer company.

[53:08] Fun fact, Adolph Coors killed himself by jumping out a hotel window.

[53:12] I bet he went down smooth.

[53:14] Okay, the hat.

[53:16] I think I lost it when I moved from Chicago to Mount Prospect, and that was back in November.

[53:20] I thought it was in the trunk of my car, but it's not.

[53:22] And I unpacked the boxes by, like, December.

[53:24] So, like, what's going on here?

[53:26] Who would steal a hat?

[53:27] And it's not even a good hat.

[53:28] It's all broken in for someone with a small head.

[53:31] Aside.

[53:32] My head's kind of small, but it's no big deal.

[53:34] It's not, like, a thing or anything.

[53:35] Did you find this letter on the floor of the subway?

[53:37] So, I doubt anyone stole it.

[53:39] Although, if it were stolen, I'd be really mad.

[53:41] Like, sweaty mad.

[53:43] Anywho, any help you'd be able to provide in this area would be much appreciated.

[53:47] I'm not asking for a nationwide manhunt like the 1979 movie Scavenger Hunt, co-starring Cloris Leachman and Tony Randall doing some fantastic...

[53:55] Antonio Randall?

[53:57] What the fuck am I doing here performances?

[54:01] But maybe you could lend a hand.

[54:03] I'll even pay you back for any assistance offered.

[54:05] Elliot, I'll help you finish the Rocket Crocodile on the World of Tomorrow script.

[54:09] Script is done.

[54:09] I need the money for the production.

[54:10] Stuart, I'll help you on your quest to see every woman who's ever lived totally nude.

[54:15] Dan, I'll even listen to you talk about your core.

[54:19] Here's an artist rendering of the hat, if it helps.

[54:21] And here's a picture of the hat.

Elliott Kalan

[54:23] That's a basic line drawing of a hat.

[54:25] It says Coors Light with a clover on it.

[54:28] Yeah, it's got a shamrock there.

Dan McCoy

[54:30] The answer to your question is no, we have not seen your hat.

Elliott Kalan

[54:33] Yes.

[54:34] So I guess, Flophouse listeners, if you see this man's hat, send it to somewhere?

[54:38] Mount Prospect?

[54:39] Just write, man who needs a hat.

[54:41] Mount Prospect.

[54:42] Care of the Flophouse.

[54:43] America, USA.

[54:45] I feel like we're dropping out.

[54:47] Rorau.

[54:48] Rorau.

[54:50] So.

[54:50] We're doing good.

[54:51] Yeah, finally.

[54:52] We're doing the Lord's work here.

[54:53] Yeah, we're just like America's Most Wanted.

Dan McCoy

[54:55] So, the last segment.

[54:57] The last traditional.

[54:58] The Lord's work is finding that man's lost hat?

[55:00] Sure.

[55:01] I mean, the Lord wants that man to be happy.

[55:03] That's true.

[55:03] His eye's on the sparrow.

[55:05] So I know he watches him.

Stuart Wellington

[55:06] So, last segment's what again?

[55:09] We say goodbye?

[55:10] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[55:11] Is there, we recommend movies.

[55:14] Movies that we enjoyed, unlike Marmaduke, that people can watch.

[55:18] Stuart, what do you want to recommend?

Stuart Wellington

[55:18] Well, I already recommended Dollman vs. Demontory over.

[55:22] Does that count?

[55:22] Don't recommend that again.

[55:23] It doesn't count.

[55:25] Well, last night I saw With Elliot, but in the same room, but not together.

Elliott Kalan

[55:29] We were at the same event unknowingly.

[55:31] It was weird.

[55:32] But my Stuart sense was tingling.

[55:34] Something was tingling.

Stuart Wellington

[55:36] Okay.

[55:36] Okay, it's your turn, Dan.

[55:38] No, I'm not recommending anything.

[55:40] No, we both went to the New York premiere of Nicholas Wendig Refn's Only God Forgives.

[55:47] Starring...

[55:48] Ryan Gosling.

[55:50] I want to say Ryan Gosling.

Elliott Kalan

[55:51] And a guy from Thailand.

[55:53] Radio.

[55:53] Ryan Gosling.

[55:54] Kristen Scott Thomas.

[55:56] Kristen Scott Thomas.

[55:57] And two Thai actors, one of whom was the breakout star of the movie.

[56:02] Yeah.

[56:02] By far.

[56:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:03] He's the Kristall Foltz of the movie, if you will.

[56:07] It's a, for, if you love to drive, but you want a much less accessible version.

[56:14] With less talking.

[56:15] Less talking and more gore and horrible stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[56:19] And horrible family, dysfunctional family dynamics.

[56:23] Yep.

[56:24] And Thailand.

Stuart Wellington

[56:24] If you want it to go super slow, like snails pay slow at times.

[56:29] Yes, yes.

[56:30] And you want a discordant score that makes you uncomfortable the entire time, go see Only

[56:36] God Forgives.

[56:37] But that is a recommendation.

[56:38] In theaters, probably now.

[56:39] But that is a recommendation.

[56:41] It's a recommendation.

[56:41] Stuart and I both really like this movie.

[56:43] Here's how I would describe it.

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] If Quentin Tarantino wrote a script set in Thailand, and then John Waters did a gloss

[56:50] on it, and then Stanley Kubrick directed it, and then Takashi Miike directed retakes for

[56:55] that movie, to make it bloodier, I think you'd have something along the lines of Only God

[57:01] Forgives.

[57:01] It's a very deliberate, very slow and strange movie that also has some super gory scenes,

[57:08] and one particularly gory scene.

Stuart Wellington

[57:11] And I think the only way to really experience it, you're going to have to go back in time

[57:15] to last night and see the weird Q&A with the director and the cast where Ryan Gosling seems

[57:22] uncomfortable for the first half that he's up on stage with these crazy people.

Elliott Kalan

[57:27] And the director's doing the best to make him feel that way by saying crazy things.

[57:33] But it's, I really liked a lot.

[57:35] It's a movie that, the story is nothing amazing.

[57:39] In fact, it's very strange.

[57:41] But it creates such an intense mood, and such an intense ambiance and atmosphere, and the

[57:47] music and the filmmaking are on such a high level of craft that it's going for kind of a deeper

[57:53] emotional, dreamlike, back-of-the-brain state.

[57:56] And I think it hits there.

Dan McCoy

[57:57] So wait, who's recommending this?

[57:59] I don't know.

[57:59] We're both recommending it.

[58:01] We both saw it.

Elliott Kalan

[58:01] My mind is blown.

[58:03] It's a tag-team recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[58:05] So you have the highbrow and the lowbrow.

[58:07] I liked it for the gore and, I guess, the gore?

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] And I liked it for the evocation of a very specific mood that's sustained over the course of this

[58:17] hour and a half.

[58:17] I like the loud noises.

Stuart Wellington

[58:19] And I like any movie that has a character that can seemingly pull a giant katana-like

[58:23] sword from behind his back at any time.

[58:25] From inside his butt, I guess?

[58:26] He's like a Highlander.

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] So many hands get cut off.

[58:29] Spoiler alert.

[58:30] Spoiler alert.

[58:31] Hands get cut off.

Stuart Wellington

[58:31] It is, if you are a male actor in a Wendy Griffin movie, you are probably going to get fucked

[58:37] up.

[58:38] Yes.

[58:38] Like, just make a prosthetic of your face, because it's about to get fucked up.

Elliott Kalan

[58:41] I would say, if you were on the fence about Drive, don't go see this movie.

[58:46] Even if you liked Drive, you might not like this movie.

[58:48] But it is a full experience.

[58:50] It's a movie you experience.

[58:52] You don't watch, necessarily.

[58:54] And there is a introducing your mom to your girlfriend at dinner scene that is hilarious.

[59:01] Where Kristen Scott Thomas says the meanest things she can think of to two people who

[59:06] do not say much.

Stuart Wellington

[59:07] In an otherwise very quiet movie to an audience filled with nervousness.

[59:11] Nervous laughter.

Elliott Kalan

[59:13] So only God forgives.

[59:15] If you're willing to give a strange movie a try, I'd say go for that one.

Stuart Wellington

[59:18] Yeah.

[59:18] If you liked any of his other, if you liked most of his other movies, you will probably

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] You'll probably like it.

[59:24] And it's the kind of movie where at the end, when the credit comes up that says, dedicated

[59:27] to Alexandro Jodorowsky, you're like, or Alexandro.

[59:32] Don't worry about it.

[59:33] Anyway.

[59:33] Dedicated to Jodorowsky, you go, oh, that makes sense.

[59:36] Oh, okay.

[59:36] I get it.

Dan McCoy

[59:38] I would like to recommend three movies.

[59:41] Here's the thing.

[59:42] You're making up for us.

[59:43] We were off.

[59:46] The Daily Show was off for a couple weeks.

[59:48] Yeah, I know.

[59:50] Complain about it.

[59:51] Oh, we get so much vacation time.

[59:52] Just recommend the movie, Dan.

[59:53] To hell with you.

[59:55] To hell with you, imagine straw man.

[59:57] So I also like...

Elliott Kalan

[59:58] I don't know a little fire, straw man.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:00] So I watched a lot of movies during that time.

[1:00:02] When I'm making an argument, I like to argue against a wicker man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:06] Terrible.

[1:00:07] He always wins.

[1:00:08] It's true.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:09] Covers you in bees.

[1:00:10] But there are three movies I enjoyed.

[1:00:13] Number one, I saw Robin and Marion, the Richard Lester movie about Robin Hood, which is a

[1:00:19] movie that I watched, I tried to watch as a child.

[1:00:22] Because when I was a kid, Robin Hood was one of my great heroes, along with Sherlock Holmes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:28] Because Dan grew up in the 1890s.

[1:00:31] Yeah.

[1:00:32] But if you're a kid...

[1:00:35] Well, Stuart and I were watching Wolverine just slash people to bits.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:39] You're watching that?

[1:00:40] Well, I like the X-Men cartoon show.

[1:00:41] I was watching him play the X-Men video game.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:45] Like, when you're a kid, if you want a Robin Hood movie, Robin and Marion is not the one for you.

[1:00:50] No.

[1:00:51] You want a swashbuckling, fun...

[1:00:52] You want the adventures of Robin Hood.

[1:00:54] Robin Hood.

[1:00:54] Yeah.

[1:00:55] But as...

[1:00:56] Me and Tights, et cetera.

[1:00:57] As a tired adult, Robin and Marion was very...

[1:01:03] I enjoyed it very much.

[1:01:06] It's an aging Robin Hood.

[1:01:09] Although Sean Connery went on to have at least 30 more years of appearing in action movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:16] It's like when Frank Sinatra sang The September of My Years, when he was roughly halfway through

[1:01:21] his career.

[1:01:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:22] But it has a great cast.

[1:01:23] It has Sean Connery, Audrey Hepburn, Nicole Williamson, Ian Holm, Robert Shaw is in it.

[1:01:32] Who else?

[1:01:33] Denholm Elliott is in that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:35] New name and English actor is in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:37] Yeah.

[1:01:37] It's a lot of meat.

[1:01:38] It's a great movie about...

[1:01:40] A lot of meat in that sandwich.

[1:01:41] The end of a legend.

[1:01:43] It was originally called, I think, The Death of Robin Hood or something.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:47] But they decided that was too exciting a name.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:50] But if you want a bittersweet take on Robin Hood, it's a very good movie.

[1:01:56] I watched Wagon Master.

[1:01:58] Wagon Master is a good movie.

[1:01:59] Which is a John Ford movie.

[1:02:02] Starring Ben Johnson, where two horse traders shepherd a group of Mormons through the desert.

[1:02:09] And Ben Johnson is usually the sort of second banana in John Ford Westerns.

[1:02:15] And this was his chance to be the first banana.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:19] That was the thing that always took me out of the John Ford movies was that there was a

[1:02:22] guy in a banana suit walking around.

[1:02:23] Yeah.

[1:02:25] It's just really...

[1:02:26] It's not accurate, right?

[1:02:27] I mean, Western towns didn't just have a guy in a banana costume walking around.

[1:02:31] And then to have two guys.

[1:02:32] There's a second banana.

[1:02:34] There's another guy in a banana costume.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:36] That really happened in those movies?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:38] Yeah.

[1:02:38] Haven't you ever seen the banana who shot Liberty Valance?

[1:02:41] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:43] But Ben Johnson, just as an actor, radiates...

[1:02:48] She wore a yellow banana?

[1:02:49] He radiates...

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:50] That's crazy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:51] Why would they make that movie?

[1:02:52] I'm not sure.

[1:02:53] They're classics, all of them.

[1:02:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:54] Banana coach?

[1:02:55] As an actor...

[1:02:56] What is that?

[1:02:57] He radiates decency and charisma.

[1:03:01] And it's just a lot of fun to see him.

[1:03:03] Is that a stagecoach filled with bananas?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:04] Yeah, it is.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:05] The Peelers?

[1:03:07] That's The Searchers.

[1:03:08] And lastly, I watched Side Effects, the supposedly last theatrical release from Steven Soderbergh.

[1:03:16] And it's a movie that kind of flopped in theaters, but that's great because...

[1:03:19] Oh, we should have watched it for this.

[1:03:21] It means that you don't know anything about it.

[1:03:24] Oh, boy.

[1:03:24] I started watching the movie knowing very little about it, and I think that's the ideal way

[1:03:29] to walk into it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:30] You actually thought it was an adaptation of the Woody Allen book Side Effects.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:33] Boy, was I not a laugh in the thing.

[1:03:37] But it's just a lot of fun.

[1:03:40] It's got a great performance by Rooney Mara, who I've now seen in three things, putting

[1:03:45] in totally different performances every time.

[1:03:47] But it's a movie...

[1:03:49] It's a thriller that has some absurd twists and turns, but it's done in a very masterful

[1:03:56] way.

[1:03:57] And I won't say anything more about it.

[1:03:58] Is that including the Nightmare on Elm Street remake?

[1:04:00] I have not seen the Nightmare on Elm Street remake.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:03] I thought we watched that for this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:04] No, we watched the Friday the 13th remake.

[1:04:06] Oh.

[1:04:07] You're getting your Jasons and your Freddy's mixed up.

[1:04:09] Mm-hmm.

[1:04:09] I never made that mistake.

[1:04:10] Freddy's versus your Jasons.

[1:04:11] That was also...

[1:04:13] Just to go back to this event that Stuart and I both attended unknowingly last night,

[1:04:17] a person asked at one point this stupid question, if you could play any part from any movie,

[1:04:24] what would you play?

[1:04:24] And the actors had no idea how to answer this until Ryan Gosling just goes, Freddy Krueger,

[1:04:29] and puts it down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:31] Drops the mic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:32] And I think you and I probably both had the exact same thought.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:34] The crowd erupted in cheers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:35] You and I probably both had the same thought.

[1:04:37] Was it?

[1:04:37] Yeah, do it.

[1:04:38] That'd be awesome.

[1:04:39] That would be amazing.

[1:04:39] Like a Nicholas Wending Rifen movie of Nightmare on Elm Street with Ryan Gosling as Freddy

[1:04:45] Krueger?

[1:04:45] Yeah.

[1:04:46] Like, why is that not happening?

[1:04:47] Oh, I would love it.

[1:04:48] Talk about a weird Freddy Krueger movie.

[1:04:50] What's your recommendation, though, Elliot?

[1:04:52] Only God Forgives.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:53] Okay.

[1:04:53] I'll also recommend Pacific Rim.

[1:04:56] All right.

[1:04:56] I mean, I don't really need to say anything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:58] So on the Flock House Recommends Wiki, I'll be Only God Forgives.

[1:05:02] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:02] And I'll be Pacific Rim.

[1:05:03] People will assume that I like a movie where giant robots punch the shit, literally the

[1:05:08] shit, out of giant monsters.

[1:05:10] They're literally a scene where they punch a monster and shit comes out of it.

[1:05:13] Poop flies out of a monster.

[1:05:14] Am I going to spoil the movie for you?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:15] I mean, it would spoil the movie for me if I watched the movie and that scene was in

[1:05:18] it.

[1:05:19] It would spoil for me if it was not in it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:21] But it's a big budget, like a big budget summer blockbuster, but made clearly with a lot of love

[1:05:28] and attention to detail.

[1:05:30] And yeah, it's not like the plot and the story is not going to win any awards, but you know,

Dan McCoy

[1:05:35] turn your brain, check your brain at the door, turn it off.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:39] Yeah.

[1:05:39] Popcorn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:39] Whatever you need to do.

[1:05:40] And just enjoy the work of William of the Bull.

[1:05:44] That's the English version of his name.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:46] Because this is America.

[1:05:47] We speak American here.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:48] We finally did it.

[1:05:50] Watched Marmaduke.

[1:05:51] How do you feel?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:52] And we made like a million recommendations.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:54] Yeah, I think it was pretty successful.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:56] I feel like I'm trying to digest a big piece of meat and it's not going through.

[1:06:01] Like a Marmaduke-sized piece of meat.

[1:06:03] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:03] It's just too big for his little mouth.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:07] I think we did a good job.

[1:06:09] I'm happy to sign on.

[1:06:11] Here's the part where we back ourselves up with a positive phrase.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:14] Are we doing the evaluations portion?

[1:06:16] I don't understand.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:17] I mean, you were really good and you were great too, dude.

[1:06:19] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:20] And you were okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:21] Thanks.

[1:06:22] I mean, it came in a little slow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:23] Are we all supposed to talk about one strength and one flaw?

[1:06:26] I don't know.

[1:06:26] We can do that off.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:27] It's a shit sandwich is why we're doing it.

[1:06:28] We can do that off here.

[1:06:29] It's where the shit is, the meat, not the bread.

[1:06:31] That would be weird.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:32] You want to hold that sandwich?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:34] I mean, you'll have to dry out.

[1:06:35] Poop all over your hands.

[1:06:36] I think we can sign off.

[1:06:37] Gloves.

[1:06:38] Eat your clothes.

[1:06:39] Thanks for listening.

[1:06:40] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:06:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:45] And I'll be Elliot Kalin until history forgets me.

[1:06:47] Good night, everyone.

[1:06:48] We did it.

[1:06:50] You were pretty good too.

[1:06:51] Thanks, man.

[1:07:02] So, wait.

[1:07:03] What do you want me to do?

[1:07:04] What?

[1:07:05] Change my body.

[1:07:06] Why?

[1:07:06] It's perfect.

[1:07:07] Stuart has a perfect body.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:08] No, you can sit there.

[1:07:09] Just don't get any closer to the mic than you are.

[1:07:11] Like back here?

[1:07:13] I sound weird a lot.

[1:07:16] That might just be your voice.

[1:07:17] That's fair.

[1:07:19] This microphone is covered in cat hair.

[1:07:21] I don't sound like I sound in my head.

[1:07:24] I apologize.

[1:07:26] That's okay.

[1:07:27] There's not a lot I can do about it.

The Flop House: Episode #131 - Marmaduke

Chapters

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