The Flop House: Episode #131 - Marmaduke

[0:00] Because for some reason you wanted it, we discuss Marmaduke.

[0:31] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] I am Stuart Wellington.

[1:00] Welcome to the Flophouse.

[1:31] We are indeed having a tropical heat wave. Temperatures rising. It's hardly surprising.

[1:37] Because Stuart certainly can, can, can.

[1:42] So here at the Flophouse, the three of us watch a movie.

[1:47] A bad movie or a good movie?

[1:52] It depends. Usually a great movie.

[1:57] It's called Critical or Financial Flop, thus the name Flophouse.

[2:02] And flop, of course, is an acronym for failure to launch over production costs.

[2:07] That's where the word comes from.

[2:12] As opposed to the opposite, flip.

[2:17] Fantastic liability, including production costs.

[2:22] So a pancake flipper, all about the production costs of the pancake.

[2:27] Oh yes, and a pancake flopper, you don't want to be that.

[2:32] Gets all over the face.

[2:37] Speaking of face, the shirt Stuart's wearing says that.

[2:42] So what movie did we watch tonight, Dan?

[2:47] We watched the Marmaduke episode.

[2:52] Recorded 10 zillion years ago.

[2:57] In a cave somewhere.

[3:02] We mentioned Marmaduke in a very early episode.

[3:07] Someone wrote in saying a Marmaduke movie is coming out, you guys should flop that.

[3:12] Our fans and our hands.

[3:17] This movie came out longer ago than we would normally address on a podcast.

[3:22] But not to pull the curtain too far back.

[3:27] This was actually a 2010 release.

[3:32] We missed by a little over a month the third anniversary of the release of Marmaduke.

[3:37] Which I think is the flop anniversary.

[3:42] I think we were waiting to see how well it did in post theatrical release.

[3:47] Home markets, overseas streaming.

[3:52] We needed a short movie tonight, just for outside reasons.

[3:57] And Marmaduke was a trim 84 minutes.

[4:02] I'm a fan of Marmaduke, and what I want is to not have seen Marmaduke.

[4:07] Luckily, your phone can easily go in the way of the TV screen.

[4:12] That's called using a second screen.

[4:17] For the listeners at home who have not read a 60-year-old comic strip that nobody likes, what is a Marmaduke?

[4:22] Imagine a comic called Howard Hughes.

[4:27] About Howard Hughes and his enormous penis.

[4:32] About Howard Hughes, a large dog.

[4:37] Howard Hughes's penis grew so long because he went crazy and stopped clipping it.

[4:42] Now imagine that single panel comic was not called Howard Hughes, but it was called Marmaduke.

[4:47] And then you have Marmaduke.

[4:52] I've heard the big red dog big, but bigger than your average dog.

[4:57] He's as big as a dog house.

[5:02] He's a large dog, and that's all there is to him.

[5:07] And what kind of stuff did he joke about in the Marmaduke comic strip?

[5:12] Perhaps the owner of Marmaduke wants to sit in the recliner, but Marmaduke is already in the recliner.

[5:17] Marmaduke likes bones.

[5:22] He has dug the hell up out of the backyard to bury all his bones.

[5:27] Marmaduke would love to sleep on the bed where humans sleep.

[5:32] And Marmaduke is so big that he is all over owner and owner's wife.

[5:37] What I'm not hearing is a story of how a dog was formed out of the marriage of Marmalade and the Duke.

[5:42] No.

[5:47] Well, that's what one might surmise and wish that Marmaduke is about, but not in actuality the truth of Marmaduke.

[5:52] What you're saying sounds like there's a lot of rich potential for a Marmaduke film.

[5:57] Sure.

[6:02] If you love large things and you love dogs, then Marmaduke would be the movie for you.

[6:07] Basically a bunch of one panel gags with, I don't know, like a tagline at the bottom, right?

[6:12] Yeah, like a whole movie.

[6:17] Like Marmaduke, oh no!

[6:22] When Marmaduke has been caught with a bloody knife in his hand over a body.

[6:27] Or like, Marmaduke, say it ain't so, when he's been caught fixing the 1919 World Series.

[6:32] I think you're getting the basic gags, but I think you're getting the basic bits.

[6:37] Like Marmaduke, what are you doing? I just want to be friends, and I'll let you think about what Marmaduke's doing.

[6:42] Oh, Marmaduke, why?

[6:47] Yeah, he's driving a car.

[6:52] That's the car talk.

[6:57] Other movies, though, that are not children's films or movies about dogs.

[7:02] Think about Generic Plot A and Generic Plot B and ram them together and add a dog.

[7:07] Let's talk about what happens in Marmaduke, shall we?

[7:12] So Marmaduke's a big, great Dane. He's big. He lives in Kansas.

[7:17] Who's the main character, like the family that has to cope with this giant dog?

[7:22] Amazing cast. Just some of the people in it doing either voice work or on-camera work.

[7:27] Owen Wilson, Leigh Pace of one of my favorite movies, The Fall.

[7:32] TV's Thranduil.

[7:37] Judy Greer, everybody's comedy sweetheart favorite, Judy Greer.

[7:42] William H. Macy, maybe the best actor there is right now when he's getting the right material.

[7:47] Norm Gunderson and Fargo, no, not Norm Gunderson.

[7:52] That's Marge's husband.

[7:57] Let's just say his name is Fargo H. Macy.

[8:02] Steve Coogan does a voice, Alan Partridge himself, Sam Elliott does a voice,

[8:07] Fergie does a voice, who cares, George Lopez does a voice, whatever.

[8:12] Kiefer Sutherland is a dog voice.

[8:17] The whole time you're like, imagine what Robert Altman could do with a cast like this.

[8:22] Imagine what Quentin Tarantino could do with a cast like this, but they're not in one of those movies.

[8:27] They're in Marmaduke.

[8:32] Just on the side, flipping through Wikipedia, it appears that the movie was edited by the man who edited

[8:37] Coming Home, Being There.

[8:42] Imagine what he could do with a good movie, but no, he's not.

[8:47] Instead, his name is Don Zimmerman, by the way.

[8:52] Rather than doing the work he did so beautifully in our favorite Rocky IV,

[8:57] he is doing computer animated dog faces.

[9:02] He's doing the look who's talking, look who's talking now way, where you just hear a voice superimposed over a dog's face.

[9:07] They do it in the Beverly Hills Chihuahua style, where they've animated the lips of dogs.

[9:12] Which is so creepy and horrible.

[9:17] And also not true to the Marmaduke comic, which one thing I will say for Marmaduke,

[9:22] and you will hear me say very few positive things about the Marmaduke comic single panel gag,

[9:27] is that one of the things I like about it is that it is about a real dog who does not talk.

[9:32] He doesn't talk.

[9:37] He is mute from birth, tragically.

[9:42] That's the real tragedy of Marmaduke.

[9:47] The need for self-expression, the inability to find it.

[9:52] I'm a being, I exist, love me.

[10:00] MUST PASS AWAY. AND ROT.

[10:02] There is a larger dog than me, a dog called God.

[10:05] Possibly feeding an entire family.

[10:07] The large dog in the sky has decreed we all have a limited time on this earth.

[10:11] Even I, Marmaduke.

[10:13] And so, one day, I shall be naught but an enormous skeleton, moldering to dust.

[10:19] My name, perhaps a memory, if I'm lucky.

[10:22] A faded tombstone, weathered away by the rain and wind.

[10:25] Until naught is left upon this earth.

[10:29] But hopefully a spirit, mayhaps a soul.

[10:32] But ultimately, nothing.

[10:35] Buried by the ages of time, the stones of forgetfulness, as must we all be.

[10:41] Forever and ever, Marmaduke. Amen.

[10:44] But Fred Bassett will live forever.

[10:46] Oh, Fred Bassett is immortal, yeah. He's a Highlander.

[10:49] That's why Fred Bassett occasionally goes around cutting the heads off other dogs.

[10:53] Yes, that's what happened to Howard Hughes, right?

[10:55] He and Fred Bassett said there could only be one, cut his head off.

[11:00] But so, there must have been massive social changes

[11:03] when people realized that dogs and, I guess, other animals can talk, right?

[11:07] Here's the thing. Unlike Zookeeper, where animals reveal they can always talk,

[11:10] they just choose not to, the animals are not heard by their humans.

[11:13] Which makes it even weirder that their mouths are animated.

[11:16] Because it's like, how do the humans not notice that their mouths are at least

[11:19] silently forming syllables?

[11:21] Like, have you ever looked at a dog's face? He's not making shapes with his mouth.

[11:25] I'm imagining deaf people who can lipread are like,

[11:30] these dogs, these dogs are talking to us all the time.

[11:32] Why are we, why are we...

[11:34] Alright, sure, the dogs are talking. Take him away, boys!

[11:38] No, no, I swear, I swear, they can talk.

[11:40] I'm amazed you can talk so well when you're deaf, deaf guy.

[11:46] Take him away to the loony bin for deaf people.

[11:50] They've got a special loony bin?

[11:52] Yeah, yeah. When you're deaf, no one can hear you scream.

[11:56] Yeah, I mean, wait.

[11:58] There's the tagline for deaf alien.

[12:00] In the big city.

[12:02] Rated R.

[12:04] Is brought to you by...

[12:06] No way.

[12:08] Michelob Lite Ultra.

[12:12] So many more. Marmaduke.

[12:14] So the dogs can talk, all the animals, and dogs can talk to cats.

[12:16] But people cannot hear it.

[12:18] Interspecies communication doesn't pass through to people.

[12:20] It's only pets.

[12:22] Okay, Marmaduke lives in Kansas with his family.

[12:24] The dad is Lee Pace, the mom is Judy Greer.

[12:26] They've got some kids.

[12:28] Lee Pace declined to grow a mustache for this role.

[12:30] If there's one thing I would know about the owner of Marmaduke,

[12:32] is that he has a mustache.

[12:34] But Marmaduke's family is in for a big shock.

[12:36] Well, they couldn't put a fake one on him,

[12:38] because it would be totally unrealistic,

[12:40] as compared to the dogs.

[12:42] Well, also as compared to his eyebrows.

[12:44] As compared to the...

[12:46] He's out for a couple of minutes for each shot.

[12:48] Right before shooting,

[12:50] his eyebrow would crawl down his face,

[12:52] to where a mustache would be.

[12:54] Leaving him with a mustache,

[12:56] and one huge eyebrow,

[12:58] and just baldness over the other eye.

[13:00] It is weird, though,

[13:02] having seen Lee Pace reach sort of

[13:04] new heights of fame, I think,

[13:06] for his career.

[13:08] Appearing in Lincoln this last year,

[13:10] and then dialing it back to when he was appearing in Marmaduke.

[13:12] It was three years ago.

[13:14] Sure.

[13:16] In a New York minute, man.

[13:18] Everything could change.

[13:20] So anyway, speaking of a New York minute,

[13:22] they're moving to California.

[13:24] The O.C.

[13:26] Where Lee Pace has gotten...

[13:28] They both watch a scene of the O.C.,

[13:30] and then the California Here We Come song

[13:32] plays in the soundtrack.

[13:34] You have a beautiful voice.

[13:36] Thanks, buddy.

[13:38] It's beautiful in the same way

[13:40] a really ugly person can be beautiful

[13:43] if you love them in the right way.

[13:45] Yeah, well, if you love them enough,

[13:47] anything looks beautiful.

[13:49] It's similar to, I think it's in Time Indefinite,

[13:51] where there's a long shot of a tumor,

[13:53] and it slowly becomes somewhat beautiful

[13:55] just through your pure exposure to it.

[13:57] Yeah.

[13:59] Anyway.

[14:01] So let's keep going.

[14:03] He works for a company called Bark Organic,

[14:05] an organic dog food company,

[14:07] and the boss, William H. Macy,

[14:09] wants it to get into Petco,

[14:11] and finally be a nationwide pet food.

[14:13] And instead of...

[14:15] This is a pet food company.

[14:17] Instead of having an office building,

[14:19] they just have a giant dog park

[14:21] that they walk around in.

[14:23] They just meet at the dog park

[14:25] because William H. Macy loves dogs.

[14:27] The way dogs love trucks,

[14:29] William H. Macy loves dogs.

[14:31] If that movie, Must Love Dogs,

[14:33] was about William H. Macy,

[14:35] it would just say love dogs.

[14:37] It wouldn't say must.

[14:39] The boss decides to convince William H. Macy

[14:41] eventually... Actually, I'm running ahead.

[14:43] Anyway, they work in a dog park.

[14:45] Oh, please don't run ahead.

[14:47] There's so many ins, so many outs.

[14:49] Which introduces the dogs,

[14:51] which are split up in cliques,

[14:53] much like in Bratz.

[14:55] Now, Bratz, for all its dumbness,

[14:57] was a lot of fun.

[14:59] Marmaduke, for all its dumbness,

[15:01] is like Having Your Soul Shredded

[15:03] for Eternity by Freddy.

[15:05] It's a painful watch

[15:08] from the horribly CGI-animated

[15:10] Marmaduke that dances,

[15:12] and for some reason, they couldn't quite

[15:14] get the proportions right on the model

[15:16] so his head is just that much too small

[15:18] to... Well, we'll get to the

[15:20] exciting sewer rescue scene.

[15:22] We're hearing,

[15:24] knowing that Steve Coogan,

[15:26] who is a...

[15:28] What's that? Comedy genius, maybe?

[15:30] Sure. Amazing performer.

[15:32] Knowing that he has to do a

[15:34] stereotypical English professor-type voice

[15:36] to put in the mouth of a tiny dog

[15:38] for the Marmaduke movie.

[15:40] Anyway, there's a lot of cliques in the dog park,

[15:42] ruled over by Bosco.

[15:44] What is he, a Doberman or something?

[15:46] Yeah, and there's no scarier

[15:48] name, as Ali pointed out, than Bosco.

[15:50] A name that reminds you, maybe,

[15:52] of chocolate milk?

[15:54] And maybe of the...

[15:56] The Warner Bros. character that preceded

[15:58] all of the famous Warner Bros. characters.

[16:00] The pre-Looney Tunes blackface Warner Bros. character

[16:02] who mostly just danced by bobbing

[16:04] up and down on his knees a lot.

[16:06] The up-I-work style, like,

[16:08] Hey! It's me, Bosco!

[16:10] Love me!

[16:12] Sounds horrifying.

[16:14] I see you in your sleeve ring.

[16:16] I'm Bosco.

[16:18] Sounds like a pretty scary dog.

[16:20] Yeah, exactly. So Bosco is voiced by

[16:22] Kiefer Sutherland. Kiefer Sutherland?

[16:24] Plop house fave? Yeah, Mirror's star,

[16:26] Kiefer Sutherland.

[16:28] There's a big dividing line between

[16:30] the pure breed, pedigree dogs,

[16:33] and the mutts. Marmaduke's a mutt,

[16:35] which means he makes friends with

[16:37] a dog named Maisie, voiced by Emma Stone,

[16:39] who is the tomboy dog, which means

[16:41] nothing. Because dogs don't wear

[16:43] clothes or have gender

[16:45] identity issues that way. Dogs will hump

[16:47] each other. Men hump men.

[16:49] Women hump men. Women hump women.

[16:51] Dogs hump all over. That's a big stand

[16:53] you're making about marriage equality.

[16:55] I'm just saying, everyone

[16:57] should be like the dogs and just

[16:59] hump away wherever.

[17:01] It is, as we briefly discussed, confusing

[17:03] because you have the voice of

[17:05] the very attractive Emma Stone coming out

[17:07] of a dog's sexy dog body.

[17:09] And you're like, am I supposed to be attracted

[17:11] to this dog? A sexy dog's body.

[17:13] It is not a sexy dog's body.

[17:15] It's a really curvaceous dog.

[17:17] I could see Dan was having a lot of trouble, because if he closed his eyes

[17:19] he would get a boner, but if he opened his eyes

[17:21] they would go away, which is too bad,

[17:23] because dogs like bones.

[17:25] Anyway, moving along,

[17:27] Marmaduke's... In the words of Wayne's World,

[17:29] Marmaduke sees

[17:31] Jezebel, the purebred dog

[17:33] who's Bosco's girlfriend, voiced by

[17:35] Fergie, not Fergie the Royal.

[17:37] Oddly, you're more attractive this way.

[17:39] Ouch.

[17:41] You heard that right, Josh Duhamel.

[17:43] You know where to find me.

[17:45] I don't think Josh Duhamel does know where to find you.

[17:47] He knows where to find me.

[17:49] I'm in Brooklyn.

[17:51] He turns into Popeye.

[17:53] He challenges somebody.

[17:55] He turns into Popeye.

[17:57] He thinks Popeye got his strength.

[17:59] He doesn't know about the spinach part.

[18:01] He thinks Popeye got his strength from tattoos on his arms

[18:03] of irons.

[18:05] Irons of anchors. Whatever.

[18:07] Anyway, it's late.

[18:09] Maisie obviously has a crush on Marmaduke,

[18:11] but Marmaduke only has eyes for Jezebel.

[18:13] He doesn't give a shit. He doesn't want no tomboy dog.

[18:15] But Marmaduke's gotta look cool,

[18:17] because otherwise the pedigrees aren't gonna like him.

[18:19] So he arranges with his roommate, a cat,

[18:21] to pretend...

[18:23] Voiced by George Lopez.

[18:26] George Lopez was nominated

[18:28] for a Razzie for this role,

[18:30] but he's pretty much the most entertaining

[18:32] thing in the movie.

[18:34] I've never been a George Lopez fan,

[18:36] but after this movie, I'm like,

[18:38] well, in a cast full of real professionals,

[18:40] you stood out, George Lopez.

[18:42] If I watch the George Lopez show

[18:44] and I just close my eyes and pretend a cat's saying that stuff?

[18:46] Hilarious.

[18:48] Amazing stuff.

[18:50] Marmaduke has Carlos the cat,

[18:52] pretends to be beaten up by Marmaduke.

[18:54] Did they name him when they realized

[18:56] he had a Spanish accent?

[18:58] Or did he...

[19:00] Yeah, before that, he was named Charles.

[19:02] Or did he develop the accent after they called him Charles?

[19:04] When they originally wanted Tom Noonan

[19:06] to do the voice, the cat was named Charles.

[19:08] You do make a good point,

[19:10] which is the owners of the cat

[19:12] can't hear the cat,

[19:14] so why did they name him Carlos?

[19:16] I'm presuming that they can't, yeah.

[19:18] Or they just ignore him like assholes.

[19:20] No, no, Elliot, that's not a cat.

[19:22] That's a Mexican sewer rat.

[19:24] And it's got rabies!

[19:26] Podcasts to tell in the dark.

[19:28] And it's beehive hairdo

[19:30] is full of spiders.

[19:32] Who the fuck...

[19:34] The dog is coming from inside the house.

[19:36] Who did the illustrations for those?

[19:38] I don't remember his name, but they're super scary

[19:40] and they actually changed them for the new edition of the book.

[19:42] No, they're terrifying.

[19:44] I remember when I was a kid,

[19:46] I had the scary stories to tell in the dark.

[19:48] Here's the problem with scary stories to tell in the dark.

[19:51] But I remember very specifically

[19:53] telling my parents,

[19:55] take this book away from me, it's too scary.

[19:57] Those pictures were really scary,

[19:59] which is why in the new editions they don't...

[20:00] have those pictures anymore. They have dull ones, and there was part of me that was like,

[20:04] oh man, but those pictures were so great because they were scary, but me as a kid hated them

[20:08] because they were so frightening. It genuinely freaked me out. Disembodied zombie heads and

[20:14] stuff. It's one step away from just having H.R. Geiger redo the Dr. Seuss books. There's all

[20:19] sorts of weird phallic tubes coming out of Cat in the Hat's head. It's one step away from someone

[20:23] coming into your room as your child and disemboweling someone in front of you and then

[20:28] goodnight. I would say at least three steps away from that. I would say someone yelling boo as

[20:33] you're about to go to sleep is somewhere in the middle ground between those two extremes.

[20:36] Dan has a vivid imagination. The line between the page and reality is very blurry. I know

[20:44] you'll find Dan has a vivid video imagination. I live in the mouth of madness, guys.

[20:49] Clean, sweet breath in the mouth of madness, though. Just because your mouth is full of madness

[20:54] doesn't mean your breath has to be crazy. Hi, I'm H.P. Lovecraft and I'm John Carpenter.

[21:01] For Colgate.

[21:06] The coldest way to keep someone out of your house.

[21:12] Colgate, they're the coldest. Hi, they won't stop your bad breath, but they will stop other

[21:17] people from getting close enough to you to smell it. I'm John Carpenter and I'm H.P. Lovecraft.

[21:22] Together, we're cops. Lovecraft and Carpenter.

[21:30] This turned into like a Michael Cooperman comic where everything changes every three panels.

[21:36] Oh, I wish. Anyway, let's just say Marmaduke wins over the other dogs with his toughness

[21:42] against the cat and then Lee Pace suggests to his dog, William H. Macy, you know what would be a

[21:48] great idea to get Petco's attention, I guess, to host a dog surfing contest. Really play up the

[21:53] California angle. It's a terrible idea, but they do it anyway. Yeah, and Lee Pace has Marmaduke

[21:58] surf, even though Marmaduke has never surfed. This is like deep, deep into like animal abuse.

[22:05] But, but, but. Okay. You've got a big butt and I want to see it.

[22:12] Marmaduke pulls through and does an amazing job on the surfboard.

[22:16] He's totally tubular. People don't say that anymore, Dan.

[22:21] Yeah, he's hanging ten, idiot. Yeah, all right. I do want to, I do want to

[22:25] note that Lee Pace's daughter has like. No, I don't want to hear this, Dan.

[22:32] This is going to get gross. She's a teenager, Dan.

[22:34] No, she's approached by a surfer named Bodhi and I like to think this is a prequel to Point Break.

[22:39] That's all I wanted to say. But there's also a surfer named Bodhi.

[22:41] Yeah. Oh.

[22:42] Yeah, he watched that dog surf and he got some ideas.

[22:45] Now, let's, let's mention, I forgot to mention that Marmaduke's owner, Lee Pace,

[22:49] is having trouble with his family. He really wants his daughter to fit in, but he keeps

[22:53] embarrassing her, I guess, which is what dads do. He wants his son to play soccer,

[22:57] but his son's not interested in soccer. And his wife is just unhappy for.

[23:05] Yeah, maybe sexually unfulfilled because every time they get in a bed together,

[23:08] Marmaduke fucking farts in front of them. Yep.

[23:11] Looks at the camera and raises his fucking dog eyebrows.

[23:15] Yeah. But this is an example of

[23:17] that plot where the dad is bad simply because he wants to do a good job at work.

[23:23] And he's, it's one of these things where he's trying to bond with his kids,

[23:25] but he's doing it the wrong way. He's not listening to them, which is bad,

[23:28] but he's a perfectly nice dad. He's a very nice guy.

[23:31] It's a lot like Bad Dad starring Gerard Butler.

[23:33] It is just like Bad Dad starring Gerard Butler.

[23:36] That movie we made up, I think.

[23:37] It's starring Gerhard Butler, the Scottish actor who does all the backgrounds for Davidson.

[23:41] Gerhard Butler, yeah.

[23:44] Anyway, yeah, it's just like Soccer Dad, Bad Dad.

[23:47] Anyway, everyone's upset with Li Pei. And it is a kid's movie,

[23:51] so I can understand why you wouldn't want him to be a really bad dad who's abusive.

[23:56] But you could up the conflict to a believable level.

[23:59] Right. But it's a kid's movie,

[24:00] so they wanted to be nice.

[24:00] But we were talking about how this movie is about things that kids care about, which is,

[24:05] number one, the struggle to impress your boss at work.

[24:10] And number two, a romantic conflict between a love triangle.

[24:14] A love triangle between dogs, yes.

[24:16] Between dogs.

[24:17] Yeah, if there's anything little kids love and don't find gross or boring,

[24:21] it's romance and kissing and work.

[24:26] I'm just amazed. It seems like the obvious plot for this movie is Marmaduke gets lost.

[24:30] That's it. That's the obvious plot.

[24:32] And yet that happens in the movie for like five minutes.

[24:35] I mean, he can't get lost that easily. He's fucking huge, dude.

[24:38] That's the thing. He has different adventures based on his size.

[24:41] Maybe he enters a rodeo as a monkey riding him or something.

[24:46] Maybe he saves a kid because he's the only one tall enough to

[24:49] pull a branch down for the kid to climb down from.

[24:52] Also, I've never seen any of the Beethoven movies, but I assume,

[24:55] I assume from what I've been able to glean, the plot of the Beethoven movies is big dog.

[25:01] It's Marmaduke. It's a big dog who gets in the way.

[25:03] And they made like three of those.

[25:04] Although there is a scene in Beethoven where he has to impress some business people.

[25:09] But like, wait, he has to or Charles Grodin has to?

[25:12] I meant Charles Grodin. Sorry.

[25:13] Not Beethoven. Beethoven does not have a boss or a job in Beethoven.

[25:17] Wait a minute. Is Charles Grodin named Beethoven?

[25:19] Because that would make Beethoven Beethoven's monster.

[25:22] Where does Martin Short figure into this?

[25:24] Charles Grodin, that's Clifford, which is not about a dog named Clifford,

[25:28] which confused me to no end when the movie came out.

[25:29] But it is about a giant child.

[25:32] Well, it's about a Martin Short-sized child.

[25:35] But I think you're using the term giant loosely.

[25:37] Martin Short is, as his name just tells us, short.

[25:41] Beethoven is about, Charles Grodin plays Ludwig von Beethoven,

[25:44] who goes deaf because he's always shouting at his dog.

[25:47] The dog barks in his ears too loud and deafens him.

[25:50] But yet that unlocks-

[25:51] And the dog's original name is lost to the sands of time.

[25:54] Exactly.

[25:55] Forever to be known as Beethoven's dog.

[25:56] Beethoven's dog.

[25:57] And it turns out that Beethoven writes the Fifth Symphony because his dog one day barks.

[26:02] Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

[26:04] And of course, music history is made.

[26:07] It was released as Immortal Beloved, starring Nick Nolte as Beethoven's dog.

[26:16] Was that Nick Nolte who played Beethoven in Immortal Beloved?

[26:17] No, it was like, was it Oldman?

[26:20] It was Gary Oldman.

[26:21] Oh, well.

[26:22] Of Scarlet Letter fame.

[26:24] That's what he's best known for.

[26:27] Yeah, the guy that to this day defends his handsomeness.

[26:30] Yeah, and his large penis size.

[26:32] Yep.

[26:32] I mean, I'm not saying anything about his penis size, but it's flaccid.

[26:35] We can't make a really good judgment about it.

[26:36] And he was in cold water.

[26:37] Let's say he was swimming in cold water.

[26:38] Yeah, come on, guys.

[26:39] Let's be fair.

[26:40] You're right.

[26:41] I'm sorry, Gary Oldman.

[26:42] Fair is fair.

[26:43] I can only say, Gary Oldman, I invite you-

[26:45] In the words of the legend of Billie Jean, fair is fair.

[26:47] I invite you to come here and show us your penis to prove-

[26:52] Fully erect.

[26:54] One of us will fluff it.

[26:56] Not me.

[26:56] Of your choice.

[26:57] No, no, Gary Oldman, he's just going to fucking pick me then.

[27:02] Don't let him choose.

[27:02] Because you know your way around it.

[27:05] Anyway, so unfortunately, Marmaduke defeats Bosco the Evil Dog in the surfing contest.

[27:11] Bosco gets mad and has a fight with Marmaduke, but Marmaduke gets blamed for it.

[27:16] Much like I got blamed when kids would pick on me in school.

[27:19] So I really could relate to Marmaduke on that one.

[27:22] Wait, what?

[27:22] When I was a kid in school, I was a nerd.

[27:24] Let's face it.

[27:25] Sure.

[27:25] Get out of here.

[27:26] And I was small for my age.

[27:28] Let's face it.

[27:29] All right.

[27:29] Except for my, you know, et cetera.

[27:31] But anyway-

[27:31] You were small for your-

[27:32] What?

[27:33] Why I oughta?

[27:34] I'm a short man.

[27:35] What are you going to do?

[27:36] Pocket size, you might say.

[27:37] I would say fun size.

[27:38] But we all know fun size is just code for, this candy's too small.

[27:43] I could never make it work, but I always wanted to-

[27:45] I was trying for a while to do like a stand-up joke that was like,

[27:48] fun size was just like, they were using fun in the way a Southern woman would use fun.

[27:53] It was like, oh, look at that Snickers.

[27:55] That is fun.

[27:56] Look at that.

[27:57] That is a fun size Snickers.

[27:59] I both like it and can see why it wouldn't work in a stand effect.

[28:02] So anyway, I'd get picked on a lot.

[28:03] And for some reason, teachers like to focus on the target of the being picked on

[28:08] as if they're bringing it to them in some way.

[28:12] So I would get in trouble a lot and get sent to the principal a lot

[28:14] for being the butt of insults.

[28:16] And I never understood it.

[28:17] Because you were walking around reading a fucking book about dinosaurs, nerd.

[28:21] Dinosaurs?

[28:21] I wish.

[28:22] Dinosaur.

[28:23] Dinosaurs.

[28:24] The teachers were mad because they knew that you were going to be more successful for them

[28:28] eventually.

[28:28] That's possible.

[28:29] But I'll-

[28:30] Imagine a universe.

[28:31] Far in the future where dinosaurs are also swords.

[28:36] I don't see how.

[28:38] It's not dinosaurs that use swords.

[28:40] No, hold on.

[28:40] Robot cowboys pick up the dinosaurs and do battle on the planes of imagination.

[28:45] I will pay you $700,000 for this movie.

[28:48] But it's in the future.

[28:49] So they've cloned dinos, I assume.

[28:52] No, they went to a planet where dinosaurs are there.

[28:55] Come on, keep up, Dan.

[28:56] It's obvious.

[28:57] And the robot cowboys, who are giants.

[29:00] I mean, I do-

[29:01] These are like Pacific Rim style robots.

[29:02] I do have a way-

[29:03] There's a lot more personality.

[29:04] Imagine the size of their hats.

[29:06] I do think we can sell this to ABC Saturday Morning in 1984.

[29:10] 10,000 gallons.

[29:12] So if you have access to a time machine-

[29:14] We just got to get there before Dinosaurs comes out.

[29:17] Yeah.

[29:17] And do dino swords.

[29:19] You know what?

[29:19] Let's just steal the idea for Dinosaurs and sell that before they can.

[29:22] All right, guys.

[29:23] We know what you picked up.

[29:24] Come on.

[29:24] In fact, you know what?

[29:25] Forget Dinosaurs.

[29:26] Let's just sell the idea for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[29:29] Let's make a pact.

[29:30] In 30 years, if none of us are married-

[29:32] We'll get a time machine.

[29:34] Okay.

[29:34] We'll go back-

[29:35] I mean, we're all married now.

[29:36] I mean, things could change that way.

[29:39] You can't take it for granted.

[29:40] That's true.

[29:40] Exactly.

[29:41] Live every day like it's your last.

[29:42] So anyway, Marmaduke's in trouble.

[29:45] And the pet co-executives are appalled by this dog fight.

[29:49] It at least seems like Lee Pace is in the doghouse more than one.

[29:52] Jezebel-

[29:53] You're not allowed to say doghouse any more times.

[29:56] Okay.

[29:57] Marmaduke gets from Maisie her idea of a dream.

[30:00] and then takes Jezebel on the dream date.

[30:02] They romance each other.

[30:04] Marmaduke throws a party

[30:05] while his owners are out of the house.

[30:06] Where are they?

[30:07] I don't think it's ever explained.

[30:08] But, and the dogs tear up the house.

[30:10] They ruin it.

[30:12] Uh-oh, but worst comes to worst.

[30:14] Bosco comes in and he sees Carlos, the cat.

[30:17] And he reveals that the fight with the cat

[30:19] was all prearranged.

[30:20] Marmaduke is a Marma fake, as Bosco says.

[30:25] Because to dogs, fake rhymes with a duke.

[30:28] Yeah, as you said, he could have said,

[30:30] we've all been Marma duped.

[30:32] That's what I think he should have said, yeah.

[30:35] Marmaduke.

[30:36] He needs a better writing team, is what he said.

[30:37] The family gets home and Marmaduke gets in trouble.

[30:40] Marmaduke gets put in the doghouse, if you will.

[30:42] No!

[30:43] And forced to sleep outside.

[30:45] And Lee Pace, his family is mad at him,

[30:47] so he is in the doghouse, if you will.

[30:49] No!

[30:50] And Marmaduke, it starts to rain.

[30:54] And Marmaduke, I guess to remind Lee Pace

[30:56] that he has children, takes his children

[30:58] the unopened soccer jersey that his son never wore

[31:01] and the daughter's cell phone, which has a text on it

[31:04] about how lame her dad is,

[31:06] leaves them for Lee Pace to wake up to.

[31:08] And Marmaduke then runs off into the rain.

[31:09] It's just like a dick move on a Marmaduke.

[31:11] It is, yeah.

[31:13] And then Marmaduke runs into the mystic night.

[31:15] The truth fairy just dropped some knowledge bombs

[31:17] on you, Lee Pace.

[31:18] $20, please.

[31:21] Takes your teeth and gives you truth.

[31:23] Because teeth and truth sound kind of similar.

[31:25] When you're deaf, which two fairies are,

[31:27] or should I say truth fairies?

[31:31] In fact, they're totally different fairies.

[31:33] I don't know why I got them mixed up.

[31:34] Let's not also forget the Don Bluth fairies

[31:36] who leave animated movies that are never quite as good

[31:39] as you want them to be.

[31:40] Hey, hey, hey, hey.

[31:42] I really like the secret.

[31:43] Yeah, I forgot you love the pebble and the fucking penguin.

[31:46] I forgot a gnome named Norm or whatever it is

[31:48] or gnome in Central Park, whichever one was him.

[31:50] Your big Balto booster.

[31:52] Yeah, Rockadoodle.

[31:53] I forgot about Rockadoodle.

[31:55] He didn't do Rover Dangerfield, did he?

[31:56] I don't think so.

[31:57] I don't think he did.

[31:58] I hope so.

[32:00] So anyway, Marmaduke goes on the run

[32:02] and he runs into a-

[32:03] That's a dog that has a good writing team behind him.

[32:07] Roger Doggerfield.

[32:10] Yeah, exactly, yeah.

[32:12] He doesn't get no respect.

[32:13] Exactly.

[32:14] That dog.

[32:15] Well, why would you respect a dog?

[32:16] He would have said Marmaduked.

[32:18] He would have said Marmaduked

[32:19] because he has the better writers, yeah.

[32:20] He would have said Marmafucked

[32:22] because he's a little bluer for the adults.

[32:24] True for the later show.

[32:26] So Marmaduke, he runs into

[32:28] and thinks he's gonna be in danger from the Chupadagra,

[32:31] a giant mastiff voiced by Sam Elliott

[32:33] because this movie has the best casting director

[32:35] in Hollywood.

[32:37] But it turns out Chupadagra-

[32:38] That casting director must have called

[32:40] in so many fucking favors.

[32:42] Yeah.

[32:44] Well, it's more like,

[32:45] hey, I've got a lot of money for you

[32:47] for walking into a sound booth for a day

[32:51] pretending to be a dog.

[32:53] Where do I sign up?

[32:54] I'm Sam Elliott.

[32:55] Finally, a dream come true.

[32:57] I get to make a lot of money in one afternoon.

[33:00] Mustache wax, don't pay for it, so.

[33:02] This is why I got into the business.

[33:07] I love you, Sam Elliott.

[33:08] I do like Sam Elliott a lot.

[33:09] Sure.

[33:10] He spelled Elliott correctly.

[33:11] How could I not love him?

[33:12] Anyway, but it turns out Chupadagra

[33:14] is not actually the fearsome dog they thought he was.

[33:18] He's a dog who ran away from home to be an alpha dog,

[33:21] but then was turned on by his friends

[33:23] and lost his true family.

[33:24] And now he just wanders between the winds, I guess.

[33:27] Yeah, doling out morals to-

[33:30] To lost dogs.

[33:31] And it turns out his name was Buster.

[33:33] Marmaduke, newly inspired, runs away again.

[33:37] He's really in the doghouse this time.

[33:39] No!

[33:40] Now, in the morning, the family sees that he's gone.

[33:42] They go to find him,

[33:43] even though Lepace has his last chance,

[33:45] second big chance presentation to give that day to Petco.

[33:48] But no, the family makes him look for the dog.

[33:51] Meanwhile, Maisie, at the same time,

[33:53] is looking for the dog.

[33:54] That's another dog?

[33:55] That's the Emma Stone dog.

[33:56] That's the Emma Stone.

[33:57] Okay.

[33:58] That's a sexy dog.

[33:59] None of them are sexy dogs.

[34:00] Ah!

[34:03] I will say, though, as far as dogs go,

[34:04] Maisie is sexier than Jezebel.

[34:06] It's just like Teen Wolf,

[34:07] where the friend is way sexier

[34:09] than the supposed hot girl.

[34:10] Oof is much hotter than-

[34:11] She's way hotter and cuter than Blondie McBlondo.

[34:14] Oof is kind of like a little Phoebe Catesy.

[34:17] You know what?

[34:18] I think-

[34:19] Dan loves Phoebe Cates.

[34:20] We all love Phoebe Cates.

[34:21] Come on.

[34:22] How can you not?

[34:23] Come on, Stuart.

[34:24] Kevin Kline likes Phoebe Cates, too.

[34:26] Yeah, they're married.

[34:26] They're married.

[34:28] The only people-

[34:29] You called Kevin Kline.

[34:30] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[34:31] You know, I texted him.

[34:32] What do you think about Phoebe Cates?

[34:34] Stuart, you realize I married her, right?

[34:36] How did you get this number?

[34:38] And how did I know that you're Stuart?

[34:41] I put myself in your phone, Kevin Kline.

[34:45] Anyway, Princess Caribou.

[34:47] So, continuing.

[34:49] Maz-

[34:50] They're all looking for Marmaduke.

[34:51] They finally all converge on,

[34:53] and this comes out of nowhere,

[34:55] a sinkhole in the middle of the streets of L.A.

[34:57] Mazie falls into it, into the sewers.

[34:59] Yeah, the ground crumbles beneath her feet.

[35:02] It's like the fucking part in Ghostbusters

[35:04] before they're about to walk into the building,

[35:06] and the ground is crumbling apart.

[35:08] Oh, I hate that.

[35:09] It's the worst-

[35:10] ♪ Savin' the day. ♪

[35:10] Worst song in the movie.

[35:12] There's so many good songs in Ghostbusters.

[35:14] ♪ Somethin' dumpin' me insane. ♪

[35:22] Because we needed to fill the space in this montage.

[35:25] We need to explain what the Ghostbusters are about to do.

[35:29] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[35:29] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[35:30] Why are the Ghostbusters coming out?

[35:32] The Ghostbusters are trying to get to where the problem is.

[35:34] Are they going to try to make it worse?

[35:37] Are they going there to give in to Gozer,

[35:39] and join forces?

[35:40] No, Ghostbusters!

[35:41] No, don't do it!

[35:42] Don't do it, Gozer.

[35:42] Don't do it, Ghostbusters!

[35:44] Oh, thank goodness.

[35:46] The Ghostbusters are still good guys.

[35:47] They haven't yet turned towards evil.

[35:49] Thank God, Ghostbusters.

[35:51] You had me scared there for a second.

[35:52] Marmaduke falls in the sewer.

[35:54] What lesson was that?

[35:55] I was going to say Philadelphia.

[35:58] Marmaduke falls in the sewer and saves Maisie.

[36:01] A rescue worker saves Maisie.

[36:03] Contaminating the city's water supply.

[36:05] With Big Dog.

[36:06] Yep.

[36:07] A rescue worker can pull up Maisie,

[36:08] but Marmaduke's too big.

[36:10] The sewer water pushes him forward,

[36:11] and he gets lost in the tunnels.

[36:12] A la third man.

[36:14] Exactly.

[36:16] He gets pushed into one of those big aqueducts

[36:18] that they chase through in Terminator 2,

[36:20] that are outside,

[36:22] and Lee Pace saves him.

[36:23] That are in every movie set in L.A.

[36:25] Yeah.

[36:26] Where the once-mighty L.A. river trickles through,

[36:29] like the puny little shitty river it is,

[36:33] and he saves Marmaduke at the last minute.

[36:36] Marmaduke and him, it's so stupid.

[36:38] I think they're talking to each other for a while.

[36:40] It seems for a second like it really doesn't matter.

[36:43] The important thing is...

[36:44] The important thing is, for no reason,

[36:45] there's a sinkhole rescue at the end of this Marmaduke movie.

[36:48] At the end of Marmaduke, they decide to action it up.

[36:51] They needed a big climax for Marmaduke.

[36:54] Well, they said,

[36:55] there's nothing bigger than Marmaduke.

[36:57] The very Earth itself would have to swallow him up.

[37:00] Of course.

[37:01] And it turns out...

[37:02] What is Earth's mightiest dog?

[37:04] But there's never been a sinkhole in L.A. before.

[37:07] And Lee Pace has been fired by his boss over the phone

[37:10] for not showing up on time.

[37:12] Lee Pace finds...

[37:13] He says, well, I guess we're moving back to Kansas,

[37:15] and his family goes, no, we love it here.

[37:17] It turns out that the daughter has hit it off with Bodhi the surfer,

[37:20] and the son may not be into soccer,

[37:22] but he isn't into skateboarding,

[37:23] and he's found some cool friends.

[37:25] So some cool kids to do drugs with, apparently.

[37:28] And the kids also recorded the whole rescue and put it on YouTube.

[37:31] Luckily, William H. Macy, who was a nut for dogs,

[37:35] respects the fact that Lee Pace would rather save his dog

[37:38] from a sinkhole than come to work.

[37:39] Which is also...

[37:41] Anyone should respect that he saved a living thing

[37:45] rather than go to work, you know.

[37:47] And then there's a horrific scene of a bunch of dogs dancing to...

[37:51] There is almost no justification for this.

[37:54] It comes almost entirely of nowhere.

[37:57] Oh, wait, well, Marmaduke goes,

[37:58] and he tells the pedigrees that they all have to mix.

[38:01] All the dogs are equal.

[38:03] He throws over Fergie for Emma Stone.

[38:05] For Emma Stone, and all the dogs are OK.

[38:07] All dogs go to heaven.

[38:08] Dogger Stone.

[38:09] And Bosco gets chased away by a bee.

[38:11] And in one of many...

[38:12] And then they all dance to What I Like About You.

[38:15] All CGI dogs, it's terrible.

[38:17] But let me just say one thing,

[38:18] and it's going to lead to a larger point about Marmaduke.

[38:22] Bosco says...

[38:23] Is there a larger point about Marmaduke?

[38:24] Yes, and I'm getting to it.

[38:25] Bosco says, you're going to find that Payback is a bee,

[38:30] because a bee hits him on the nose.

[38:31] And he goes, ah, a bee, and runs away.

[38:33] He was going to say, Payback's a bitch.

[38:36] This is a kid's movie.

[38:37] There are so many...

[38:37] I don't trust the bee in Apartment 23.

[38:39] There are so many quote, unquote jokes in this movie.

[38:41] Is this about a bitch?

[38:43] No, it's about a bee.

[38:44] It's about a giant bee that...

[38:46] Not a trustworthy bee.

[38:47] But the bee is always...

[38:48] A bee that you wouldn't want to, like, yeah...

[38:50] He always eats the stuff in your fridge.

[38:52] Take care of your cat while you're away.

[38:53] You find out his friend who's a wasp is lying on the couch.

[38:56] We can only sting the cat once.

[38:58] Then the stinger gets pulled out and he dies.

[39:00] Yeah, that's really sad.

[39:01] That's why that show got clicked.

[39:03] The bee died after it stung someone.

[39:05] Yeah, it was sweeps week.

[39:08] It was called Stings for Sweeps.

[39:10] Now, OK, there's a lot of jokes in this supposed kid's movie

[39:14] that are jokes for grown-ups.

[39:15] There's a lot of drug references.

[39:17] There's references to movies kids would have seen

[39:19] that adults would not have seen.

[39:21] There's like a lot...

[39:22] There's reverse.

[39:24] What?

[39:25] The movies that kids wouldn't have seen.

[39:25] A lot of movies that kids would not have seen.

[39:28] Like irreversible.

[39:29] Like...

[39:30] There's a nine-minute rape scene

[39:32] that is very inappropriate.

[39:33] Very inappropriate.

[39:35] But it kind of explains why Marmaduke's

[39:37] such an asshole to everybody.

[39:39] It's one of those movies where it's supposedly for kids,

[39:41] but they feel like, well,

[39:42] we got to entertain the adults too.

[39:44] And instead of then doing what say like Pixar does

[39:47] and crafting a strong story with a real emotional core

[39:50] so that adults get drawn into it also,

[39:52] they just fill it up with a bunch of shitty like references

[39:55] and like jokes about swear words and things like that.

[39:58] Worked for Shrek, dude.

[40:00] Fortunately, it worked for Shrek and that the ending where they all dance to what I like about you seems so stolen from the end

[40:05] Of Shrek when they sing and dance to I believe in miracles, right?

[40:09] Believer, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. It's another stupid song about believing

[40:15] So it's like it's this whole second-rate second-hand cliched crappy movie that has no audience

[40:22] It's not for kids not for adults, but I'm such a huge not fan of that

[40:28] That aspect of kids movies these days and it's a problem I have with both Smurfs and Smurfs to that

[40:33] The tagline is Smurf happens, which is a play on shit happens

[40:38] Okay, which like a kid shouldn't get that shit does that it's inappropriate to bring a play on the word shit into the advertising campaign

[40:45] But you do a really good

[40:47] thing for children that is like is not obviously

[40:52] Doing something for adults. I mean like it may have like the wit of something for adults, but it's not obviously new percent

[40:57] It's still gonna be enjoyed by adults

[40:59] Like I feel like like the the stories about Winnie the Pooh for instance

[41:02] Like they've got some very funny stuff in them that can be enjoyed by adults

[41:07] But there's nothing in there that is not aimed at a child. Yeah

[41:12] And that's the opposite of Marmaduke

[41:14] I would also say that the Marmaduke comics are about this big-ass dog that this family has to put up with and

[41:22] The movie is about this dog who has to put up with this asshole owner basically

[41:27] And it completely loses the point of the comic strip. Yeah, right. They really weren't just like fucking Watchmen all over

[41:34] So this is like the Watchmen of giant dog movies

[41:39] Somehow we've managed to talk for a very long time about Marmaduke so quickly final judgments

[41:43] This is a good bad movie a bad bad movie movie kind of like Stewart. This was a bad bad movie

[41:48] I didn't like it at all. It was terrible. I

[41:51] Agree Elliot, let's make an animus bad bad movie. I hated this and I hate our fans for wanting us to watch

[41:58] I love you guys. I am glad that a lot of people I like got paid money probably

[42:02] Well, that's nice if any if they agree or you deserve it

[42:05] If there's a welfare program for good actors that involves them being paid a lot of money to be in shitty movies

[42:11] Ultimately, I'm okay with that. I just wish that they made good movies instead

[42:16] Before we move on to letters. I just want to quickly say

[42:20] It's been very nice

[42:21] on the judge John Hodgman podcast

[42:24] We were mentioned by mr. Jesse Thorne and and mr. John begrudgingly mentioned by mr. John Hodge and also on

[42:33] Jordan Jesse go the Flophouse has come up a couple of times and I want to

[42:39] Extend thanks to them for bringing them up. Those are those are two podcasts that I personally they're not even contractually obligated

[42:47] No, no, we're in different podcast networks, but I those are podcasts that I

[42:52] Love myself Jordan, Jessica was one of the reasons I started this podcast

[42:56] It was an inspiration to me and so I appreciate it's like it's like an intercompany podcast crossover

[43:02] Yeah, when the Hulk would fight Batman

[43:04] So maybe John Hodgman will come sit in here in place of me and you guys can have a talk

[43:08] Yeah, maybe hash things out. Maybe like a real WTF

[43:13] Get to the bottom of your beef speaking of real WWF speaking of other podcasts. I'd like to briefly study debuting

[43:19] A relatively recent addition to the all things comedy podcasting network a podcast called writers block with TR Haviland

[43:26] He is another writer at the Daily Show and it is a podcast where he interviews comedy writers about their process and whatever

[43:33] It's a little different from WTF because it's comedy writers specifically and not comedians

[43:38] But he has some great interviews in it. There's an inner

[43:40] There's an episode where he interviews Neil Brennan that I found particularly fantastic

[43:44] So check it out on the all things comedy network and then listen to some other ones, too

[43:48] So moving on to letters this first letter is titled the flop house and the train journey from hell and

[43:57] Say kids. No, it's from is this in the series of flop house. I can read adventure stories from Andy lasting with health

[44:04] He says borrow it good afternoon gang

[44:06] I just like to thank the flop house for keeping me sane and putting a smile on my face during the train journey from hell

[44:12] last Friday night

[44:14] The rust bucket train was two hours late last cleaned in

[44:18] 1973 the toilet was a sibling to train spottings worst toilet in Scotland and there's not a single announcement

[44:24] So you had no idea where you were best of all were the cast of the characters on the train of the damned

[44:30] including but not limited to a

[44:32] man who seemed to have three wives who would not stop singing a

[44:36] skinhead in my compartment who made increasingly angry phone calls in between trying to chat up the ladies of the train a

[44:42] Father passed out drunk while his children almost fell out the windows and

[44:46] Dozens of filthy children who were playing on the tracks up until a minute before the train arrived. Where was this train?

[44:51] Where were you going? Well, he says anyway, if I could let me out of is it dr.

[44:56] Doomers advice from flopper to flopper never travel with Romanian regional railways

[45:06] Say I would have said that advice if only because you know, it's gonna be a train of fucking vampires

[45:10] Yours ding-dongingly Andy last name with hell. Thanks for listening Andy and we're glad we got you safely safely through

[45:17] the land of wind and ghosts

[45:22] But moving on to I hope he wasn't eaten by a werewolf right after he sent that letter

[45:25] Moving on to some questions for us. Hey floppers gave it to a very ominous looking postman

[45:31] Who transformed into a bat moments later?

[45:33] Your floppers two things hots is now available streaming on Hulu awesome

[45:38] And while it requires you to register due to the copious nudity

[45:41] I disagree with the assertion that the film is intended for mature audiences

[45:45] No, it's intended for 13 year olds

[45:48] Secondly, if you could create your own 80s teen exploitation romp

[45:52] But the plot did not involve sailing saving a failing business from an evil evil developer played by Martin mall

[45:59] What would it be my bother keep on flopping bill last name withheld that's a good question

[46:05] That's exploitation romp. I mean, I think it would call be called like top busters about women who don't wear tops

[46:11] Do we need a plot beyond that?

[46:14] I'm gonna say okay, so you have some big-breasted ladies and they are

[46:19] members of some kind of elite

[46:21] Like police squad that are operate outside the law

[46:24] So kind of like the anti-siderics movies kind of yeah similar to that almost like a cuffs situation

[46:31] with way more nudity

[46:35] Shower police they're called the shower police

[46:38] They only break up crimes. They're

[46:40] Shower related crimes and of course, they take showers after the crimes. Yeah, you gotta clean all that blood off about like

[46:47] nude school USA

[46:50] You've been thinking about this

[46:52] Already like I don't know what like maybe you'll take a producer credit this way. Yeah, well, you're saying a town. We're like

[46:59] Their biggest export is pants. And so they hate shirts. So like there's a bunch of topless women

[47:05] I would say cool if there's a problem between the townies and the gown ease

[47:10] Sure, but the problem is the town is the ones wearing gowns and the nude school USA a new school you

[47:17] School University USA, they have to convince the townspeople to take off their clothes and live free

[47:22] But there's a crusty old Dean played by a 19 year old

[47:27] Who who's trying to throw out all the sororities and the fraternities the fraternities are also girls organizations. It's not a girl school

[47:35] Yeah, I like it. Also, let's just call one lesbian Beach

[47:41] Starring Rhonda sheer

[47:44] Sandy Beach

[47:49] This is a caddy as a

[47:51] Lesbian this next letter is titled questions for the floppers

[47:57] Hey floppers, just a couple of questions. I have for you now. There's there's one for each of us

[48:02] So, uh, so I won't answer I was run through all of them. Okay

[48:07] Well, I'll run through all of them. Then we'll circle back. So you don't want to interrupt you each time?

[48:12] Okay, so

[48:14] Number one Stewart. Okay, that's me bigger disappointment

[48:18] Dollman versus demonic toys or puppet master versus demonic toys

[48:23] to Elliot most overrated and most underrated musicals

[48:28] Three Dan F. Mary kill Leanna Quigley Joan severance Linda Blair circus apt again

[48:36] so

[48:37] Cycling back Stewart bigger disappointment doll man versus demonic toys or puppet master versus demonic toys

[48:44] I would probably say I think puppet master versus demonic toys a bigger disappointment just because I think it has such a rich mythos

[48:51] So many great characters that you can't really fit them all into I think it was like a 65 minute movie

[48:57] We gotta have time at the end for that full moon entertainment ad for all the other movies. Exactly. I think I

[49:04] Mean the workshop has so many great characters like the the the leech woman and a little German looking guy that shoots out flame

[49:11] Or the guy with the old knives a six shooter six. Yeah, six shooters amazing and he didn't even show up

[49:16] No, like what two or three? What about drilly?

[49:19] Yeah, the yeah the basic drill head guy. Yeah. He's the vanilla

[49:25] Leonardo Cyclops

[49:27] No

[49:29] That would be like I got the like the the guy that's actually a midget but with a little pinhead

[49:34] Oh, yeah. Yeah doll that drills into people is pretty cool

[49:37] I'm not saying he's not cool, but that's like saying a man-sized turtle with two katanas

[49:45] Sounds pretty cool

[49:49] Kind of a dud

[49:51] But yeah, doll members demonic toys is is better

[49:54] All right, Elliot most overrated and most underrated musical. I'm gonna say most overrated musicals. That's me

[50:00] Controversial is a tie for me between an American in Paris

[50:03] I agree, which I am NOT a fan of aside from the ballet sequence and the bandwagon

[50:08] Which I'm also not a fan of aside from the the Mickey Spillane inspired

[50:13] Dance number and there is one

[50:15] Super creepy dance number where Fred Astaire and the other two leads are dressed up like little kids and are singing about how they hate

[50:21] And want to kill each other and it is like in a John Waters movie

[50:24] Yes works great in a Fred Astaire musical with Cyd Charisse. No, that's weird. I love Fred Astaire

[50:30] Love Cyd Charisse don't like the bandwagon most underrated musical

[50:32] I would say would be dames a musical from the 30s that I'm particular fan of with a Dick Powell and

[50:40] Basically everyone else that was in Warner Brothers movies and musicals in the 30s

[50:44] It's really silly and goofy and funny and there's a number of great musical numbers in it

[50:49] Some of Busby Berkeley's best work in my opinion dames. That's the one you should seek out

[50:54] And for me the question was F. Mary quick kill Leanna Quigley Joan Severance

[51:03] Mary kill

[51:05] Let's see. I would add Joan Severance and I would Murray

[51:10] Abraham the other one the problem is he did not write fuck Mary kill he wrote F Mary kill

[51:17] So there's no way that you're not gonna

[51:19] Start

[51:21] Fuck Mary kill

[51:24] Quigley Quigley Joan Severance Linda Blair circus apt again. Now. I don't want to kill anyone

[51:30] Sure, but if you had to

[51:34] The game say you must yeah

[51:42] They're gonna find F. Marie Abraham in this box of packing peanuts

[51:47] The I even in this box, you're gonna have to find out if you don't find him within five minutes

[52:01] Oh, he's fallen very far. No, I you know, all right kill if I have to Linda Blair, I'm sorry

[52:08] Sorry, Linda. Just try to dude if you've ever seen Savage Streets, you know, she'll serve you up some hot death with a cross

[52:17] Now between fucking Mary fuck Joan Severance, of course Mary Leanna Quigley because she's got all these great stories of her days

[52:24] As a scream Queen a scream Queen a scream

[52:28] Yeah, man, it's easy. And and what would you do with F. Marie Abraham? I would also marry him

[52:36] Cuz you get the financial stability

[52:39] His best fortune all those Star Trek insurrection dollars rolling in

[52:44] So our last letter of the evening is titled have you seen my hat

[52:52] Dan Stewart, I'm gonna need a subscription. Have you seen my hat? It's a baseball cap. It's black

[52:57] It's got a Coors Light logo logo on front and a clover behind it

[53:02] named after

[53:03] Its founder Adolph Coors quite obviously an Irish beer company

[53:08] Fun fact Adolph Coors killed himself by jumping out a hotel window. I bet he went down smooth

[53:14] Okay, the hat I think I lost it when I moved from Chicago to Mount Prospect and that was back in November

[53:19] I thought it was in the trunk of my car, but it's not and I unpacked the boxes by like December

[53:24] So like what's going on here who would steal a hat and it's not even a good hat

[53:28] It's all broken in for someone with a small head aside. My head's kind of small, but it's no big deal

[53:33] It's not like a thing or you find this letter on the floor of the subway

[53:37] So I doubt anyone stole it, although if it were stolen I'd be really mad like sweaty mad

[53:43] Anywho any help you'd be able to provide in this area would be much appreciated

[53:46] I'm not asking for a nationwide manhunt like the 1979 movie scavenger hunt

[53:52] Co-starring Cloris Leachman and Tony Randall doing some fantastic Antonio Randall

[53:57] Tony Randall doing some fantastic. What the fuck am I doing here performances, but maybe you could lend a hand

[54:03] I'll even pay you back for any assistance offered Elliot

[54:06] I'll help you finish the rocket crocodile in the world of tomorrow's script script is done. I need the money for the production Stewart

[54:11] I'll help you on your quest to see every woman who's ever lived totally nude Dan

[54:15] I'll even listen to you talk about your core

[54:19] Here's an artist rendering of the hat if it helps and here's here's a picture of that. Hey, that's a basic line drawing of a hat

[54:25] This is Coors Light with a with a clover on it. Yeah

[54:28] Shamrock there

[54:30] The answer to your question is no we have not seen your hat

[54:33] Yes

[54:33] So I guess flop house listeners if you see this man's hat send it to somewhere Mount Prospect

[54:39] Just write man who needs a hat Mount Prospect care of the flop house

[54:43] America USA

[54:46] Rural rated R

[54:49] So

[54:51] The Lord's work, yeah, we're just like America's Most Wanted so the last segment

[54:58] Is finding that man's lost hat sure. I mean the Lord what's that meant be happy? That's true his eyes on the sparrow

[55:05] So I know he watches so last segments. What again? We say goodbye. No, no

[55:11] Is there I we recommend movies movies that we enjoyed unlike Marmaduke that you can watch Stewart

[55:18] What do you want? Well, I already recommended Dallman vs. DeMont

[55:21] They don't recommend it doesn't it doesn't count

[55:24] Well last night I saw with Elliot, but in the same together not together. We were at the same event unknowingly

[55:31] It was weird, but my Stewart sense was tingling something was tingling

[55:36] Okay

[55:40] No, we both went to the New York premiere of

[55:43] Nicholas Wendig reference only God forgives starring

[55:49] Ryan Gosling a guy from

[55:52] Thailand

[55:53] Ryan Gosling Kristen Scott Thomas Kristen Scott Thomas and

[55:57] Two Thai actors one of whom was the breakout star of the movie. Yeah by far

[56:02] Yeah, he is if you at ease the crystal faults of the movie if you yeah

[56:07] It's a for if you love to drive, but you want a much less accessible version

[56:14] With less talking less talking and more gore and horrible stuff and horrible family

[56:22] Dysfunctional family dynamics. Yep, and it's highly if you want it to go super slow like snails pay slow. Yes

[56:29] Yes, and you want a discordant score that makes you uncomfortable the entire time

[56:35] Go see only God forgives, but that is a recorders probably now, but that is a recommendation

[56:40] It's really like this movie, here's how I would describe it if

[56:45] Quentin Tarantino wrote a script set in Thailand and then John Waters did a gloss on it and

[56:51] Then Stanley Kubrick directed it and then Takashi Miike directed retakes for that movie to make it bloodier

[56:57] I think you'd have something along the lines of only God forgives. It's a very

[57:03] Deliberate very slow and strange movie that also has some super gory scenes and one particularly

[57:10] Gory scene and the I think the only way to really experience it

[57:14] you're gonna have to go back in time to last night and

[57:17] See the weird Q&A with the director and the cast where Ryan Gosling seems

[57:22] Uncomfortable for the first half that he's up on stage with these crazy people

[57:27] And and the director is doing the best to make him feel that way by saying crazy things

[57:33] But it's it's I really liked a lot. It's it's a movie that the story is nothing amazing

[57:39] in fact, it's very

[57:40] strange

[57:40] but the it creates such an intense mood and such an intense ambience and atmosphere and the music and the

[57:48] Filmmaking around such a high level of craft that it's going for it kind of a deeper emotional dreamlike

[57:54] Back of the brain state and I think it hits there. I

[57:57] Wait, who's recommending this?

[58:00] Both recommending it. We both saw my mind is blown. We're both right. It's a it's a tag-team recommendation

[58:05] So you have you have the highbrow and the lowbrow I liked it for the gore and

[58:09] I guess the gore and I liked it for the evocation of a very specific mood

[58:15] That's it sustained over the course of this hour

[58:17] I like the loud noises and I like any movie that has a character that can seemingly pull a giant katana like sword from behind

[58:24] His back inside his butt. I guess he's like a highlander so many hands get cut off

[58:28] but uh

[58:29] The spoiler spoiler alert hands get cut it is if you are a male actor in a Wendy Griffin movie

[58:36] You are probably gonna get fucked up. I just make a prosthetic of your face because it's about to get fucked up

[58:41] Like I would say if you were on the fence about Drive don't go see this movie

[58:46] Even if you liked Drive, you might not like this movie, but it is a full experience. It's a movie experience

[58:52] you don't watch necessarily, you know, and there is a

[58:56] Introducing your mom to your girlfriend at dinner scene. That is hilarious

[59:01] Where Kristen Scott Thomas says the meanest things she can think of to two people who do not say much

[59:07] And in otherwise a very quiet movie

[59:09] to an audience filled with nervous laughter

[59:13] So only God forgives if you're willing to give a strange movie a try I'd say go for that one

[59:18] Yeah, if you liked any of his other if you liked most of his other movies, you will probably like it

[59:24] And it's the kind of movie where at the end when the credit comes up that says

[59:27] Dedicated to Aleksandr Yodorovsky you're like or Aleksandr. I have don't worry. Anyway dedicated to Yodorovsky

[59:34] You go. Ah, that makes sense. Okay, I get it

[59:38] I we I would like to recommend three movies. Here's the thing you're making up for us. We were we were off

[59:45] The Daily Show was off for a couple weeks. Yeah, I know

[59:49] Complain about it. Oh we get so much vacation time recommend the movie to hell with you

[59:55] Tell you imagine straw, man

[59:57] So I also like fire straw, man

[1:00:00] So I saw a lot of movies during that time when I'm making an argument. I like to argue against a wicker man

[1:00:06] Terrible he always wins

[1:00:08] covers in bees

[1:00:10] But there are three movies. I enjoyed

[1:00:12] Number one I watch I saw Robin and Marion the Richard Lester movie about Robin Hood

[1:00:18] Which is a movie that I watched and I tried to watch as a child

[1:00:22] because when I was a kid Robin Hood was one of my great heroes along with Sherlock Holmes and

[1:00:28] Because Dan grew up in the 1890s

[1:00:32] But if you're a kid well Stuart and I were watching Wolverine just slash people to bits

[1:00:38] You're watching this

[1:00:40] Cartoon show I was watching him play the X-Men video game

[1:00:45] Like when you're a kid if you want a Robin Hood movie Robin and Marion is not the one for you

[1:00:50] No, you want a swashbuckling you on adventures of Robin Robin Hood. Yeah, but as

[1:00:56] As a

[1:00:58] tired adult

[1:01:00] Robin and Marion

[1:01:01] Was very I enjoyed it very much

[1:01:05] it's it's a an aging Robin Hood, although

[1:01:11] Sean Connery went on to have at least 30 more years of appearing in action

[1:01:15] It's like when when Frank Sinatra saying the September of my years when he was roughly halfway through his career

[1:01:21] But as it has a great cast as Sean Connery Audrey Hepburn

[1:01:26] Nicole Williamson

[1:01:28] Ian Holm Robert Shaw is in it

[1:01:32] Who else Denholm Elliot is in that movie? You name an English actor? He's in it. Yeah, it's a lot of meat

[1:01:38] It's a great movie about a lot of meat in that sandwich the the end of a legend

[1:01:43] It was originally called I think the death of Robin Hood or something. That's too exciting a name

[1:01:50] But if you want a bittersweet tape bittersweet take on Robin Hood, it's a it's a it's a very good movie

[1:01:55] I watched a wagon master. No way. That's a good John Ford movie

[1:02:01] starring Ben Johnson where two horse traders shepherded a group of Mormons through the desert and

[1:02:10] Ben Johnson is usually the sort of second banana and John Ford Westerns and this was his chance to be the first banana

[1:02:18] That was the thing that always made took me out of the John Ford movies was that there's a guy in a banana suit walking

[1:02:23] around

[1:02:25] Not accurate, right Western towns and just have a guy in a banana costume

[1:02:30] And then to have two guys, there's a second banana. There's another guy in a costume

[1:02:36] That really happened in those movies. Yeah, and you've seen the banana who shot Liberty Valance

[1:02:41] No

[1:02:44] But Ben Johnson just as an actor radiates she wore a yellow banana he radiates that's crazy

[1:02:52] I'm not sure. They're classics all of them. Yes, and Anna coach has an actor. What is that?

[1:02:59] Decency and charisma and it's just a lot of fun to stagecoach filled with bananas. Yeah, it is the peelers

[1:03:07] That's the search and lastly I watched

[1:03:10] side effects the supposedly last

[1:03:14] theatrical release from Cedar Steven Soderbergh and it's a movie that kind of flops in theaters, but that's great

[1:03:20] For this it means that

[1:03:22] You don't know anything about it. Like I like started watching the movie knowing very little about it

[1:03:27] I think that's the ideal way to walk into it actually thought it was an adaptation of the Woody Allen book side effects

[1:03:34] Not laughing

[1:03:36] But it's just a lot of like

[1:03:40] It's it's got a great performance by Rooney Mara who I've now seen in three things putting in totally different performances every time

[1:03:47] But it's it's a movie. It's a it's a thriller that

[1:03:51] has some

[1:03:53] Absurd twists and turns, but it's done in a very masterful way

[1:03:59] Remake I have not seen a nightmare on Elm Street remake. So we watch that for this

[1:04:06] You're getting your Jason's and your Freddy's mixed up

[1:04:11] That was also I'll just to go back to this event that Stewart and I both attended unknowingly last night

[1:04:17] They asked a person asked at one point this stupid question

[1:04:20] If you could play any part from any movie, what would you play?

[1:04:24] And the actors had no idea to answer this until until Ryan Gosling just goes Freddy Krueger and puts it down

[1:04:30] drops the mic drops the mic and it went I think you and I probably will the exact

[1:04:34] erupted in cheers you and I probably both said thought was it that yeah do it that'd be awesome would be amazing like a new a

[1:04:40] Nicholas Wending Reif in movie about of Nightmare on Elm Street with with Ryan Gosling is terrified. Yeah, like why is that not happening?

[1:04:47] No, I would love it. Talk about a weird Freddy Krueger movie. What's your recommendation though?

[1:04:52] Only God forgives. Okay. I also recommend Pacific Rim. All right

[1:04:58] So on the flock house recommends wiki

[1:05:00] I'll be only God forgives. Okay, and I'll be Pacific Rim people assume that I like a movie where giant robots punch the shit

[1:05:08] literally the shit

[1:05:10] They punch a monster

[1:05:13] I'm gonna spoil the movie for you. I mean it would spoil the movie for me if I watched the movie that scene was in it

[1:05:21] It's a big budget

[1:05:23] like a big budget summer blockbuster, but made with clearly with a lot of love and attention to detail and

[1:05:30] Yeah, it's not like the the plot and the story is not going to win any awards

[1:05:34] But you know turn you turn your brain turn you check your brain at the door turn it off

[1:05:39] Whatever you need to do and just really enjoy the work of William of the Bull

[1:05:43] So that's the English version of his name because this is America. We speak American here

[1:05:48] We finally did it watch Marmaduke. How do you feel and we made like a million recommendations? Yeah

[1:05:54] Yeah, I think it was pretty successful. Oh, I feel like all the time

[1:05:57] I'm trying to digest a big piece of meat and it's not going through we got Marmaduke sized piece of meat

[1:06:02] Yeah, I'm digest was too big for his little mouth. I

[1:06:05] I think I think we did a good job

[1:06:13] Positive phrase are we doing the evaluations portion understand? I mean you were really good

[1:06:19] Thanks, and you're okay. Thanks. I mean I came in a little slow

[1:06:23] We all supposed to talk about one strength and one flaw

[1:06:26] Sandwich is why we're doing it

[1:06:29] That's where the shit is the meat not the bread. That would be weird. How you want to hold that sandwich

[1:06:33] I mean, you have to try out

[1:06:36] I think we've signed off gloves

[1:06:38] Thanks for listening for the flop house. I've been Dan McCoy

[1:06:42] I'm Stuart Wellington, and I'll be Elliot Kalin until history forgets me. Good night, everyone. We did it

[1:06:49] You

[1:07:02] So wait, what what do you want me to do what change my body?

[1:07:06] Why it's perfect. So it has a perfect. No, you can sit there

[1:07:09] Just don't get any closer to the mic than you are like back here. I

[1:07:13] Sound weird a lot

[1:07:15] That might just be your voice that's fair

[1:07:19] This microphone is I don't covered in cat hair. I don't I'm sorry sound like I sound in my apartment. I I

[1:07:26] Apologize

The Flop House: Episode #131 - Marmaduke

Chapters

Transcript

Description