The Flop House: Episode #132 - Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters, because the Brothers Grimm was such a success.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] Hey everybody, greetings, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:43] I thought you were going to say Greedo.

[0:44] Please take off your shoes. Greedo, welcome to the Flophouse. This unit is Elliot Kalin.

[0:49] No blasters, etc.

[0:51] You guys totally yes-anded me. You mirrored my energy, and you took it to another place.

[0:59] That's because, Dan, you and I are two sides of the same coin.

[1:02] I'm your shadowy twin, your double.

[1:04] No.

[1:05] Wait, you're the shadowy twin?

[1:06] Kent, yeah.

[1:07] Yeah, he's the Clark Kent to your Superman.

[1:10] Of the two of us, I mean, I think we're both pretty decent guys,

[1:13] but I feel like you are a shade decenter than me.

[1:16] I don't know about that.

[1:17] I think I'm less decent.

[1:18] Yeah?

[1:19] I mean, you aren't wearing anything, so you are very indecent right now.

[1:23] Yep.

[1:23] I'm going to make an indecent proposal.

[1:25] Okay, what is it?

[1:26] That's a movie.

[1:28] i don't know maybe something like with like uh we could like go eat at a diner and then leave

[1:34] without paying the check that is very decent a decent person would not do that no they would

[1:40] not even propose that dan's loving this so what do we do here what is this that we're listening to

[1:45] this is a podcast so that's number one okay on the list okay so it's like a radio show on the

[1:51] internet yeah yeah you downloaded it it's like a movie in your mind you downloaded probably made

[1:56] mistake accidentally downloaded iphone your ipod your zoom you made the mistake of listening to

[2:02] parade magazine and downloaded these three cackling morons so there's that probably loaded

[2:08] up your pod sat down on the beach your pot oh ipod yeah yeah so once we've established this is a

[2:14] podcast and what do we do on this secondarily what we do on this podcast daniel mckay is what

[2:18] no wrong is that we watch a movie and then we talk about it but we don't do the movie part on

[2:24] the podcast we already did that we watched it we watched already a bad movie a bad movie usually

[2:29] and what did we watch tonight we watched a little movie called hansel and gretel colon

[2:35] witch hunters wait they hunt colon witches like a witch that lives in your colon

[2:39] go to your doctor before yourself check for colon witches hey guys before we get into the movie only

[2:46] you can check yourself for previous business okay wait i'd like to start that you're supposed to

[2:51] on the agenda.

[2:52] We already finished old business. We're into new business

[2:55] now. I'd like to set some house rules

[2:57] if you will. Okay.

[2:58] After watching Marmaduke or

[3:01] Marmapuke, as I call it,

[3:03] or Marmablek, depending on if Mad Magazine

[3:05] will give me money for it.

[3:06] Or Marmite Duke, depending on whether it's Australian.

[3:09] I would like to say that unless we watch another movie

[3:11] about giant dogs, no one's allowed to

[3:13] say dog house,

[3:15] who let the dogs out, or blank

[3:17] blank to the dogs.

[3:19] All right.

[3:19] I mean, I don't know that we needed to establish those ground rules.

[3:22] What if the dogs do something great, and I want to toast them?

[3:25] I can't lift up my champagne flute and say, to the dogs.

[3:28] I guess that's okay, but you can't do that on the air or in the house.

[3:32] It'd have to be in someone else's house.

[3:33] In the dog house?

[3:34] Wait, no.

[3:36] Sounds like dogs are really in the dog house.

[3:38] Sounds like Stuart's really going to the dogs.

[3:40] See, no, wait.

[3:42] This is all falling to pieces.

[3:45] Uh-oh, Stuart's quite barking mad.

[3:48] He's barking up the wrong tree.

[3:50] I didn't even say you couldn't say those things.

[3:52] So those are my humble requests.

[3:55] We'll just put that down in the house rules agreement.

[3:58] The dog house rules?

[3:59] Or the cider house rules?

[4:02] Do you guys have any rules?

[4:04] Anything?

[4:05] No shirt, no shoes, no service.

[4:07] I would love to make a rule that we start talking about the fucking movie we watch tonight.

[4:11] Okay, let's note that.

[4:13] Dan, put that in the notes.

[4:14] All right.

[4:15] Can I get a second on that rule?

[4:17] Nope.

[4:18] Well, we'll get to that.

[4:19] Motion to...

[4:21] I would like to submit a motion

[4:22] that we start talking about the movie.

[4:23] Motion carried.

[4:24] Motion carried.

[4:25] Great.

[4:26] So we watched a movie.

[4:27] Dan, what was the title?

[4:28] I said it already.

[4:29] It's Hansel and Gretel, colon, Witch Hunters.

[4:33] I keep wanting to say Ghost Hunters.

[4:35] Ghost Hunters would be great, yeah.

[4:37] Because it takes a classic story of Hansel and Gretel.

[4:40] You and I, very briefly, were Ghost Hunters.

[4:42] Yeah, that's true.

[4:43] Look it up.

[4:43] Look it up on YouTube.

[4:44] Ghost Hunters.

[4:45] Anyway, Hansel and Gretel, colon, Ghost Hunters.

[4:48] 3D, but we didn't watch it in 3D.

[4:50] No. Did we watch the extreme version?

[4:52] I'm not sure. Reading about the...

[4:54] There are two different versions of this movie.

[4:56] I did not see any Mountain Dew. I did not see any

[4:58] skateboards or snowboards.

[5:00] Skateboarding is not extreme, Dan.

[5:02] That's just treem at best.

[5:03] Snowboarding is extreme.

[5:06] What about rocket skateboarding?

[5:08] Yeah, sure. Like Rocket

[5:10] Racer would have? Yeah. We didn't see

[5:12] any of Xtreme, also

[5:14] known as Adam X, the third

[5:16] summer's brother it's an x-men reference there was no uh vin diesel as triple x the most extreme

[5:22] secret agent there is or uh wasn't wasn't ice cube one of the triple x's yeah he was the second

[5:28] union he was state of the union wasn't he anyway witch hunters let's talk about it shall we so it

[5:34] takes the popular story of hans wong gretel and turns it on its ear makes it an action farce it's

[5:40] part of this current trend of fairy tale movies that have been you know darkened up had a twist

[5:47] such as no you're snow white and the huntsman's okay you're jack and the giant whatever's

[5:52] you're uh you know berenstein three bears and the goldilocks killers movie you're uh

[5:58] country bears jim burry's you're uh you know little red riding slayer you're uh well red

[6:04] red riding hood whatever the one was we watched was you remember the little red riding with the

[6:09] metal elephant that gary oldman put people in and they got steamed to death gary oldman's best

[6:14] ever line reading where a guy asked if he could touch his sword and he went no as he looked away

[6:20] so this is in that run of fairy public domain characters that they already have a name value

[6:26] that audiences recognize but the studio doesn't have to pay anybody for the rights because who's

[6:31] gonna sue them the grim brothers come on they died like 800 000 years ago they were killed by

[6:36] witches or something unless you want to make a movie where the brothers grim were like mummies

[6:41] and we're killing people who are using their intellectual property why would they be mummies

[6:47] i don't why not dude are there a lot of other mummy movies out there yeah there's you're gonna

[6:51] kill me there's the mummy there's the mummy 3d and there's the mummy 5d through the portal of time

[6:57] anyway hansling reddell ghost witch hunters rated r there's mummy daris it was rated r right i think

[7:04] this version was they said fuck multiple times so i assume nude scene and there was a lot of blood

[7:08] yeah but yeah but there's two versions of this movie there's the regular version and the extreme

[7:13] version and i'm not sure which one we watched because it was pretty gory but there was a scene

[7:17] described in the extreme version in the wikipedia entry that i don't remember from it so let's talk

[7:21] about the scenes that were in it shall we let's talk about the plot we begin our movie in media

[7:26] res as young hansel and gretel are being led into the woods by their papa to be abandoned

[7:33] Why?

[7:33] Origin story.

[7:34] We don't know.

[7:35] But they come upon a house made out of candy.

[7:38] They start eating it.

[7:39] The door opens.

[7:40] They go inside.

[7:41] Uh-oh, there's a witch in there.

[7:43] The witch captures them, is forcing Hansel to eat candy, I guess to fatten him up.

[7:47] Even though you really want to feed the kids grass, something organic.

[7:52] Free of antibiotics.

[7:54] I want to take a moment and say, I'm not saying that if I came across a house made of candy,

[8:00] I wouldn't eat a little bit of it.

[8:02] At the same time, that house is just out in the woods.

[8:05] You've got to expect twigs and shit are stuck to that candy house.

[8:09] Oh, it must smell terrible.

[8:10] The bird shit is all over the house.

[8:11] It's like when you see a guy jogging around the streets of New York with his shirt off.

[8:14] You don't want to touch that guy.

[8:15] He's all sweaty.

[8:16] Don't put that in your mouth.

[8:18] This story might as well have started with Hansel and Gretel seeing a lollipop in the gutter

[8:24] and picking it up and eating it.

[8:25] Well, to be fair, they were two children who had been abandoned and were very hungry,

[8:28] so they may have eaten a lollipop out of the gutter.

[8:30] True.

[8:31] Yeah, they cut that scene.

[8:32] What you're saying is you've never truly known hunger.

[8:34] You've privileged first world existence.

[8:37] You've never been abandoned by your parents in the woods

[8:40] only to find a candy witch house.

[8:42] Fairytale people problems is what you're trying to say.

[8:45] Yeah, exactly.

[8:46] Long story short, they manage to escape

[8:50] and they kill the witch by shoving her in the fire.

[8:52] It's the Hansel and Gretel story we all know and love.

[8:55] Now, years later, as the movie Chiron tells us,

[8:58] many years later, they are professional witch hunters.

[9:01] After a lengthy credit sequence.

[9:03] There's a lengthy credit sequence, it's all animated,

[9:05] in which we see headlines from, I guess, like a 16th century newspaper

[9:09] that is announcing the various career escapades of Hansel and Gretel, the famous witch hunters.

[9:14] That's to tell us, the viewer, that the movie doesn't take itself too seriously.

[9:18] It's got its tongue planted firmly in cheek.

[9:21] So far in its cheek that it actually went around to the other cheek,

[9:24] and the tongue tied itself up in knots, and then it was like,

[9:27] It's like a self-French kiss.

[9:30] Yeah, exactly, a self-french kiss,

[9:31] otherwise known as Dan's whole middle school years.

[9:34] Boom!

[9:35] Anyway.

[9:35] Cue high-five sound effect.

[9:37] And play it,

[9:39] and Dan, just edit in the high-five sound effect later.

[9:42] You guys are right across the table from each other.

[9:46] We're lazy.

[9:47] There was something about this headline montage

[9:50] that I liked at first,

[9:51] because it's such a goofy idea,

[9:52] and this movie is full of goofy ideas.

[9:55] This is a much sillier movie.

[9:55] You wanted it to be more like Johnny Dangerously

[9:57] or something, though, right?

[9:58] I didn't want it that goofy.

[10:00] Wait a minute.

[10:01] I wanted to, because I didn't want to see, like, a parody.

[10:03] I wanted to see, like, a silly action movie.

[10:07] Did we get it?

[10:08] Well, we'll find out.

[10:08] Fifteen years later, Hansel and Gretel are famous witch hunters.

[10:12] And they go to a town where they interrupt the sheriff, played by Peter Stormare.

[10:17] Always great.

[10:19] Peter Stormare at his loudest and somehow laziest at the same time.

[10:21] And mustachioed.

[10:23] And mustachioed.

[10:23] There's something about his performance in this where he uses probably three times as much energy as he used in Fargo and delivers one-tenth the performance.

[10:31] Yeah.

[10:32] But anyway, he's the only guy I know who has to use more energy to phone in something.

[10:37] But they're in the middle of trying to execute Mina, a young woman accused of witchcraft.

[10:41] But the siblings interrupt.

[10:43] Played by Misty Monday.

[10:44] No, played by, I think, a Norwegian actress.

[10:47] No, that's too bad.

[10:47] You want it to be Misty Monday.

[10:49] Yeah, I just kind of squinted a little bit.

[10:51] And like Misty Monday, spoiler alert, you see her butt later.

[10:54] Yeah, on the IMDb page for Misty Monday, when it says best known for, it just says her butt underneath.

[11:03] I mean, I haven't checked, but I would believe that.

[11:06] I think Dan's the reigning sexpert on Misty Monday out of the four of us.

[11:12] Aaron Brown? Real name Aaron Brown? Sure.

[11:13] I don't want to know that you know that.

[11:15] Legitimate roles in Lucky McKee's Sick Girl episode of Masters of Horror.

[11:21] Okay, I'm sorry I brought this up.

[11:22] Okay, anyway, so they stop the sheriff from killing this woman that he says is a witch,

[11:27] but they say she doesn't show the signs of being a witch.

[11:30] She's not rotted on the inside and all evil-looking and everything.

[11:32] There you go.

[11:33] And here's the thing.

[11:34] The witches in this movie, they're basically just vampires with a little bit of modern zombie thrown in.

[11:39] Like, they got monster faces, they move really fast, they know Kung Fu.

[11:45] They got red eyes.

[11:45] They run on all fours.

[11:47] They got red, well, except the little witches with blue eyes.

[11:48] Like a monster face like David Boreanaz in Angel?

[11:51] uh i guess like a monster face like the cat people in sleepwalkers okay one of the ladies

[11:57] has hedgehog hair which makes her kind of look like pinhead a little bit yeah she also kind of

[12:01] looks like polystyrene from the x-ray specs but uh they the witch when we say witches it's a thing

[12:07] that you are born to be like you're genetically a witch i guess which is not really my understanding

[12:14] of witches but what are you gonna do yeah they basically it's whatever witch mythos they want

[12:19] And this is something that has frustrated me that I was complaining to Stuart about is that all these monsters, zombies, witches, vampires, werewolves, they used to have different things, like strengths, weaknesses, flavor profiles, if you will.

[12:32] But they've all just kind of been mish-moshed into one basic monster that they just call whatever, you know.

[12:37] Like somewhere along the line, someone decided that the scariest thing a monster could be is, like, feral.

[12:44] And so they all just turn into crazy whirling dervishes of killing.

[12:50] Yeah, which is scary, but it's like...

[12:52] But it's one type of scary.

[12:53] It's a very one-note scary.

[12:54] But anyway, we're barely into the movie.

[12:56] Hansel and Gretel are there.

[12:59] They save the woman from being killed.

[13:00] The sheriff doesn't like it,

[13:01] but Gretel headbutts him in the nose and breaks his nose,

[13:04] which means that Peter Stormare, for most of the rest of the movie,

[13:07] wears this bizarre...

[13:08] Like a leather nose patch.

[13:09] It's like a leather nose sling patch with a band that goes around his head,

[13:13] And it looks almost like he has a sleep, like those sleep blindfolds people wear on planes for his nose.

[13:19] Like, I'll just let my nose rest.

[13:21] I don't want my nose to be disturbed by all the sunlight.

[13:24] Someone involved in the production saw Chinatown and was like, give me a steampunk version of that.

[13:29] The mayor has hired them for this town because there's a lot of children that have gone missing.

[13:34] They're going to investigate.

[13:36] And there's also a plucky young guy who's a huge Hansel and Gretel fan who has a scrapbook of all their escapades

[13:42] and is tagging along, kind of irritating them a little bit.

[13:45] That'd be the Elliot character in the movie, right?

[13:47] Oh, for sure.

[13:48] I would be Gretel, of course, because I'm pretty much a badass.

[13:51] Because you're the babe, yeah.

[13:52] And Dan would be, I guess, the troll who comes up later.

[13:56] Or maybe one of the kidnapped children.

[13:59] I was so close to being Jeremy Renner.

[14:00] You'll never be Jeremy Renner.

[14:01] You can be Michael Rooker, a.k.a. the troll.

[14:05] Do you want to be Jeremy Renner in this?

[14:06] Because it turns out, after eating all that candy as a kid, he has diabetes.

[14:10] And he has to take insulin shots every day.

[14:12] Yeah, hold on.

[14:13] Wait, are you just making a joke?

[14:15] No, no.

[14:15] Because that sounds ridiculous.

[14:16] No.

[14:17] Let's establish another thing about this movie.

[14:19] It is a steampunk film.

[14:21] And this movie, okay.

[14:23] You love that shit, dude.

[14:24] I don't.

[14:25] Let's just say one thing.

[14:26] If this movie had come out 10 years ago, 15 years ago, I would have, I think, really liked it a lot.

[14:33] Let's spoiler alert.

[14:33] Because it's a goofy, silly movie, and it's got, like, monsters and steampunk and whatever.

[14:38] Yeah, it's got crazy.

[14:39] He's got monsters and plus crazy anachronisms.

[14:42] They have all these very modern-looking guns that have a bunch of cogs and gears and shit on them because it's steampunk.

[14:47] He has a steampunk wristwatch.

[14:49] There's a steampunk record player later on.

[14:51] And Jeremy Renner has the sugar disease.

[14:53] The sugar disease, they call it.

[14:54] Where he has to inject himself with medicine.

[14:57] Apparently, they had insulin back in Hansel and Gretel times.

[14:58] I want to believe that they ground up a root or something like that and made a mixture out of it.

[15:03] My uncle lost his legs to the sugar disease, so I don't find that very funny, guys.

[15:09] I mean, he just really liked the song, Sugar, do, do, do, do, do, do, Honey, Hunty.

[15:15] Honey, Hunty, you seen him, $100 bill?

[15:18] Make fun of him.

[15:19] Make fun of him for saying that weird.

[15:20] Candy Girl is the song.

[15:22] Wait, what?

[15:23] He was so into listening to Candy Girl.

[15:25] By the Archies.

[15:26] Yeah, walking down the street that he didn't notice that he walked out into traffic.

[15:30] Yeah, he danced his little toes off.

[15:32] Anyway, but here's the thing.

[15:34] Toesies.

[15:35] If this movie, if this had been a new idea, I would have said, what a cool movie.

[15:40] But this movie is coming at the end of this long run of, like, everything's an action movie now.

[15:45] Yeah, we reviewed one of them, fucking Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

[15:49] Yeah, basically.

[15:49] And, like, if Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter had come out 10 years ago, 15 years ago, oh, what a cool idea.

[15:56] But now everything's mash-em-ups and anachronisms and steampunk and what have you.

[16:00] Ah, these kids with the cogs and everything.

[16:02] Putting the goggles on the hats and all that.

[16:05] Now the fucking most, I feel like, cutting-edge thing you could do

[16:09] would be a totally realistic action movie

[16:11] where everything has human consequences.

[16:16] Without any irony or horror.

[16:17] Like The Expendables.

[16:19] Really human, like The Expendables.

[16:22] Super ironic.

[16:23] But what it made me think about was,

[16:26] and I talked to you guys a little bit about this,

[16:27] how ahead of its time Army of Darkness was.

[16:30] Yeah.

[16:31] That, like, Army of Darkness is this hugely influential movie

[16:34] when you think about it all there's so many movies now that feel patterned it was an enormous flop

[16:38] was a huge flop but everyone who saw that as like a teenager is making movies now and so like they

[16:45] really they noticed that army darkness is really good and this movie and even that though at least

[16:49] that had internal logic where like ash is from the future so he knows how to he knows how to make a

[16:55] robot hand yeah which is even future people don't know how to make robot hands no it's a crazy

[17:00] fucking joke but at least like not not everyone in the movie has is walking around with robot hands

[17:05] and sawed off shotguns just one guy yeah that's true but so the thing but everyone in this movie

[17:10] has guns yeah including robot hands including no they don't have robot hands wait a minute only ash

[17:15] and lindsey lohan and i know who killed me have robot hands but everyone has guns in this and

[17:19] like revolvers like it's if it if only hansel and gretel had these machines maybe it would be one

[17:25] thing but it seems but i mean like then it's just van helsing with his army with his laboratory of

[17:29] monster killing machines with a lot less swinging around on ropes yeah there's a lot less castlevania

[17:34] in this than kate beckinsale in the clouds now so it's like these their ideas in here that if this

[17:40] they were new i'd be really impressed by but they're not new and there's nothing in the movie

[17:44] that's as imaginative as like the scene in army of darkness where he has to fight all the little

[17:48] ashes that come out of that mirror that he breaks you know or anything like that but anyway back to

[17:53] the plot that being said uh back to the plot so uh they the mayor the sheriff hires a bunch of goons

[18:00] and says you find the witches they go out in the middle of the night the lead witch famke jansen

[18:04] shows up and kills all of them except for one guy sends that guy back in to deliver a message to the

[18:10] town which is just that he explodes and gets blood all over jemma arderton who plays uh or adderton

[18:16] however it is he plays rattle i should have mentioned or is it gamma that's the other thing

[18:20] Hansel and Gretel have grown up to be...

[18:21] Whatever it is, it's not a real name.

[18:23] Hansel and Gretel have grown up to be Jeremy Renner and Gemmer Adderban.

[18:26] Gemmer Arborvins.

[18:29] Gem Argarys.

[18:30] Gemmer Arbor Day.

[18:34] Gem and the future...

[18:36] Holograms.

[18:36] And the holograms, yeah.

[18:37] There's a bunch of...

[18:40] They go back and forth a bunch of finding things.

[18:41] I want to make a Teddy Grahams joke, but I think it's too late.

[18:43] And we did the perfect Teddy Grahams joke like 100 episodes ago.

[18:47] The platonic idea of a Teddy Graham joke has already been...

[18:51] So Teddy Graham's artifice and Jeremy Renner, they're hunting witches.

[18:56] They learn that the witches are preparing for a ritual called the Blood Moon,

[18:59] where they have to sacrifice six boys and six girls each ritual.

[19:03] Where they sacrifice moon blood good.

[19:05] Don't worry, dude, it was still funny.

[19:08] Nope.

[19:09] Halfway through that, I was like, what's her fake name?

[19:14] What's her fake bullshit name?

[19:16] Is it Moon Bloodgood or Moon Bloodring?

[19:18] It's a funny name.

[19:22] Anyway, but the town gets attacked by Famke Janssen and her witch pals.

[19:28] It seems that...

[19:29] Witch posse.

[19:30] Her witch posse, which maybe her daughters?

[19:32] I don't know.

[19:33] It's like two younger girl witches.

[19:34] And it seems like this rite is going to make it so that witches can't be burned,

[19:39] because that's the only way to make sure they're dead is to burn them.

[19:41] I think she explained it, but I wasn't listening.

[19:43] So there's like, basically, it's the BS time limit that they have to stop the villain by is the blood moon,

[19:48] and the BS thing that they have to stop is that witches will be fireproof, I guess.

[19:53] So it's basically the same thing as if witches had discovered...

[19:56] Like Kirk Cameron?

[19:57] They won't be able to look at internet porn anymore.

[19:58] Okay.

[19:59] Just like in the movie Fireproof.

[20:00] Basically, this movie would have the same level of threat as if the witches discovered asbestos

[20:06] and just made suits out of asbestos.

[20:07] Just walked around in them.

[20:09] Like the guy at the beginning of Lethal Weapon 4?

[20:13] Something like that.

[20:14] Also, the witches have a troll named Edward who helps them out

[20:17] and is played by a person in an old-fashioned animatronic mask suit.

[20:22] There is some CGI for the action scenes,

[20:26] but for the most part, he's just walking around in that suit

[20:28] looking like, what are they from Fraggle Rock, those big guys.

[20:32] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[20:33] He looks like a mixture of Hoggle and Ludo from Labyrinth.

[20:36] Yeah, let's call him Mahato.

[20:37] Mahato?

[20:39] He is Mahato.

[20:41] There's a bunch of fighting.

[20:42] Lots of stuff has happened.

[20:43] Gretel goes off in the woods.

[20:45] Hansel gets caught in the woods and lost.

[20:48] He gets hurt.

[20:48] And Mina, the girl they saved in the beginning, saves him.

[20:51] It turns out she's...

[20:53] With her business.

[20:53] She saves him and then has sex with him in a pond, yeah.

[20:57] Yeah, of course she does.

[20:58] It was a surprising nude scene.

[20:59] There was this moment where she starts taking off her dress and the camera cuts away.

[21:03] And we're like, oh yeah, because it's what, a PG-13 movie?

[21:05] And then it cuts back to her naked.

[21:07] And we're like, wait, what?

[21:08] Hold on.

[21:09] We all look up from our phones.

[21:11] Yeah, I think we all, like, sat up, stood up, started giving each other hugs.

[21:14] We all did the thing that dogs do in movies when they go,

[21:17] Because, I mean, like, I mean, number one, obviously, we like naked ladies.

[21:22] But number two, this movie feels...

[21:24] We don't like the bare naked ladies, though.

[21:25] No, never those.

[21:26] They suck.

[21:27] Stay in Canada.

[21:28] Like, there are exploding heads in this movie, but somehow it still feels super neutered.

[21:33] So, the fact that...

[21:35] And especially super nude-ered when she takes her dress off.

[21:39] When she takes her clothes off, it seems

[21:41] like this came in from a totally

[21:43] different movie. Well, I think maybe that

[21:45] says something. A Misty Monday movie. Maybe it says something

[21:47] about, if it was a, no, it's way too tame for a

[21:49] Misty Monday movie. If it was a Misty Monday movie

[21:51] there would be ten minutes of poorly

[21:53] simulated lesbian sex. Yeah, there'd be

[21:55] three of them, sort of. On a tarp.

[21:57] On a tarp in the woods. Vaguely

[21:59] stuffing their face, not into the

[22:01] vagina area, but like kind of above

[22:03] maybe a little bit. Like the thigh, belly button area.

[22:05] Yeah. So like lesbian sex

[22:07] in Oranges of the New Black, is what you're saying.

[22:09] I haven't seen that.

[22:10] It's a lot of upper thigh kissing and belly button kissing, apparently.

[22:13] Yeah, basically. On tarps?

[22:14] Yeah, probably.

[22:16] Because here's the thing about us.

[22:18] The belly button is the vagina of the stomach.

[22:20] That's weird.

[22:23] You know, they say that the most

[22:25] underutilized erogenous zone is the belly button.

[22:27] Not true.

[22:28] What were you going to say?

[22:31] I was going to say something

[22:33] about the types of movies that Misty Monday is in,

[22:35] But we don't need to get into that.

[22:38] All right.

[22:38] Suffice to say, there's a certain type of low-budget lesbian softcore porn movie.

[22:42] Yeah, Google it when you're not at work.

[22:44] No matter what the plot is, it will end with every female character from the movie in one orgy on a tarp in the woods.

[22:50] Whether they're on a different planet, whether they're supposed to be in Middle Earth, Ancient Rome, they're going to find a tarp somewhere.

[22:58] Because otherwise it's gross.

[23:00] Sex tarps are a big industry across the board.

[23:04] Yeah, throughout history.

[23:06] I'm sure they had them in a Hansel and Gretel witch hunter killers.

[23:09] Along with their steampunk guns, they had a steampunk tarp.

[23:12] They could have their steampunk lesbian orgy on with steampunk Missy Monday.

[23:16] With goggles, probably.

[23:17] Everyone's wearing a hat with goggles glued on them.

[23:19] And guns with fucking gears on the sides for no reason.

[23:22] Oh, steampunk makes me so mad.

[23:24] It's a lot of scissoring with cogs involved.

[23:27] Yeah, a lot of hats with exhaust pipes on them for the Lord knows what reason.

[23:31] Anyway, Gretel is in the woods.

[23:36] Welcome, Parade Magazine readers.

[23:38] Gretel is ambushed by the sheriff's men.

[23:42] Well, I was going to say, maybe it says something about the double standard in the country that, like, this is a movie where people's heads explode a lot.

[23:50] There's a lot of smashed heads, exploded heads, people's viscera bursting out of their bodies.

[23:55] But that didn't seem crazy to us.

[23:57] but when the woman showed her butt it was like whoa look this is extreme what kind of movie is

[24:03] this and maybe that says something about our society and how sick it is that the lovely human

[24:07] form so natural is considered too dangerous what we can see guys heads get crushed and turned into

[24:13] raspberry jam maybe the real monsters are you the listener what's weird is he then he held up a

[24:22] mirror in front of our faces it's like a time magazine cover you want to see hey take a look

[24:28] at the real most dangerous animal on the planet and then he held a mirror up to like tigers or

[24:33] sharks no tiger sharks okay that's an actual animal it is an actual it's not a sharknado

[24:39] type thing i'm surprised your minds weren't blown by that by the way your minds seem intact yeah

[24:45] very yeah i mean we're doing a podcast dude we're pretty we're pretty professional there's some

[24:48] light wear and tear on my mind all right but blown hardly so gretel gets attacked by the sheriff's

[24:53] man brute pretty fairly brutally for a movie like this but she's saved by edward the troll the

[24:58] witch's sidekick slash helper who bursts everyone's head with his fists it's not even like an a-team

[25:06] type thing where he punches a bad guy and the bad guy go like goes like and falls down their heads

[25:11] are splattered they are all dead uh it turns out that uh there's a whole lot of mishigas back and

[25:18] forth who knows what i think he uh the troll heals her face with some weird white with some smear he

[25:24] gets uh yeah he uses some folk troll magic medicine uh he's and at the same time hansel

[25:31] learns that the girl he had sex with and saved is a little later is a white witch which is a good

[25:37] thing like linda and we are it is revealed to us by famke jansen the villain that the reason hansel

[25:44] gretel were sent into the woods now in the original story i think it's that their father

[25:49] remarries and their stepmother hates them right yeah simple but no this has got to be related to

[25:54] some stupid fucking prophecy or whatever that i apologize for my language but i hate movies with

[25:58] prophecies in them except for the prophecy uh what about uh star wars the phantom menace yes

[26:05] i love that one nope but uh what about watto and boss nass i love them sebulba best character ever

[26:12] but still uh we learned earlier we've learned that witch magic does not affect hans langrette

[26:19] witch magic wait a minute the magic from witches okay werewolf their wolf their castle why are

[26:27] you talking that way uh yeah copyright mel brooks and gene wilder so we learned that witch magic

[26:34] doesn't affect them uh it's because their father their mother it turns out was a white witch a good

[26:40] witch like linda but without the pink bubblegum bubble that she flies around in uh and the bad

[26:46] witches need the heart of a good witch to do the blood moon ritual and they were gonna go attack

[26:51] the white wit the good witch uh and take her heart and so the the father took their kids out

[26:58] into the forest because gretel by blood is also a white witch and so the bad guys after killing

[27:05] their parents all low those years ago are now going to kidnap gretel and use her heart for

[27:12] the blood moon ritual so they're no longer vulnerable to fire it's the quest for fireproofing

[27:18] uh it's get to the end where all the fucking witches get exploded by the

[27:26] okay well basically uh hansel goes back he and the good witch and the guy and the nerdy guy

[27:32] loves them he takes he has a wagon full of weapons she goes i'll make a potion that will

[27:38] make it so that weapons hurt witches and he goes like weapons like these and pulls a blanket off

[27:42] of like this huge assortment of weapons there's grenades there's a big gatling gun that apparently

[27:46] weighs an ounce since he literally just picks it up and casually puts it over his shoulder

[27:51] uh there's all these there's i i they must have another double crossbow like uh gretel uses she

[27:56] uses a double crossbow which shoots multiple crossbow bolts and also can turn to shoot in

[28:00] different directions uh it's all way to ruin the best moment of the movie elliot anyway they gotta

[28:07] go save gretel and so a shitload of witches show up it's like the most isley cantina of witches it

[28:15] is like the witch isley cantina it's like java's witch palace witch con witch con 97 wait which

[28:21] con dragon con perfect so anyway there's a witch battle royale there's a whole witch con and

[28:28] they're gonna take it the blood moon it's like a regular season of the witch copyright nicholas

[28:33] cage i think no no i mean copyright ron perlman it's a regular bed knobs and broomsticks

[28:40] copyright angela lasbury she really she wrote that yep and owns the rights yeah

[28:46] murder she wrote angela murder she wrote that girl girls doing it for themselves

[28:51] yeah witches are doing it for themselves what are they doing the blood moon ritual

[28:58] So they all show up, there's a witch with a huge goiter

[29:01] There's an old lady witch

[29:02] There's a witch with no legs

[29:03] There's a Siamese twin witch

[29:04] It feels like a lot of the character design work

[29:08] Went into this scene

[29:09] I don't want to offend any witches out there

[29:10] Those witches may have been from Siam, we don't know that

[29:12] It was called Siam back then

[29:14] Anyway, based on the movie I Am Sam

[29:18] Starring Sean Penn

[29:19] And Dakota Fanning

[29:21] I Am Siam

[29:22] Where Penn and Fanning were conjoined

[29:26] Together

[29:27] no cyan is a country then the legal system tried to pry them apart and then they were sewn back

[29:34] together cyan is not an entire nation of conjoined twins have you ever seen the king and i and then

[29:41] the king of cyan you mean yes the same thing no i've never seen it oh anyway so so there's a whole

[29:48] witch coven if you will it's look it's pronounced coven it let's just call it what it is it's a

[29:54] poor man's Walpurgisnacht.

[29:55] The Witch's Sabbath, or Walpurgisnacht,

[29:58] whatever you pronounce it. Anyway, so

[30:00] they're there, Hansel comes

[30:02] out, he says, hey, give me one

[30:04] reason I'm not, get witched to it.

[30:06] I knew you were going to make a joke about that, sorry.

[30:07] Hansel comes out, and he's like, hey,

[30:09] I'm going to shoot all of you if you don't let Gretel go, and they

[30:12] one goes to attack

[30:14] him, and he blows her head up with his new

[30:16] magic gun, and then the good witch

[30:18] pulls out a Gatling gun from the

[30:20] rock balcony above

[30:22] above the staging area and just shoots up a ton of witches luckily avoiding shooting the leader

[30:28] bad witch because why would you kill her first she's only the boss of the whole thing yeah you

[30:33] gotta save her for the final boss battle uh they they kill a bunch of witches edward the troll

[30:37] saves gretel at the last minute from the bad witch i think this is the best moment of the movie this

[30:43] is the more than the girl taking her dress off the second best moment of the movie where there's

[30:49] like a bunch of witches exploding.

[30:50] Yeah, a bunch of crazy, different-looking witches.

[30:52] It's action-y.

[30:54] Stuff's happening.

[30:56] It's a real fast-paced action scene. There's almost no

[30:58] fake-y kung fu. Just a lot of

[31:01] gunshots to witches' heads and bellies.

[31:03] A couple crossbones splitting in half and shooting two different witches.

[31:04] Flying around on brooms.

[31:06] Do you like the idea of

[31:08] watching women get shot off of brooms

[31:11] with magical guns?

[31:12] Who wouldn't?

[31:13] They're not even brooms. They're just tree branches.

[31:16] They just fly on branches.

[31:18] That's true. You couldn't sweep anything with those things.

[31:20] Anyway. You could try, probably.

[31:22] Come on, Elliot. Keep trying to finish this movie.

[31:25] There's a bunch of fighting.

[31:26] Edward the Troll is hurt, and Gretel

[31:28] uses a stun gun

[31:31] that we saw in the movie earlier as a

[31:32] defibrillator. A wind-up

[31:35] stun gun. And with a

[31:36] few pulls of the ripcord, manages to

[31:38] generate enough electricity to restart a troll's

[31:41] heart.

[31:41] The heart must be the size of a

[31:44] basketball. But, hey,

[31:46] manages to do it.

[31:48] And you'd think the movie's over, right?

[31:50] No, because the witch...

[31:51] Yeah, when the troll wakes up.

[31:52] That's the end of the fucking movie.

[31:54] You know, the old saying,

[31:56] it's not over until the troll wakes up.

[31:57] No, because the lead witch, Pam Kajampan,

[32:00] leads them on a merry chase

[32:02] back to, bum, bum, bum,

[32:04] the candy house.

[32:05] Earlier, Hansel and Gretel stumbled on their old house

[32:08] when they were kids,

[32:08] and that's where Pam Kajampan is.

[32:09] But this is a different house, right?

[32:10] But this is the candy house.

[32:11] There is a very long brawl

[32:13] between Hansel and Gretel and the witch.

[32:15] In a very small room.

[32:16] Now, here's a movie.

[32:18] This is a witch in a very small room.

[32:20] This is a witch with, let's just say it, magic powers.

[32:24] She has a wand that she's used to make other people shoot themselves in the head earlier in the movie.

[32:29] She has magic powers of all kinds.

[32:31] So why does she deign to have kind of a barroom brawl fist fight with Hansel and Gretel?

[32:36] Yeah, it comes down to the witch being hit in the head a lot of times with a shovel.

[32:39] And, uh-oh, Hansel is choking her to death with a chain.

[32:43] That's what I like in My Heroes.

[32:46] Chain choking skills.

[32:48] his steampunk wristwatch sets that sends off its alarm oh no he's going into insulin shock

[32:53] from the sugar sickness immediately he's about to die luckily gretel injects him with insulin

[32:58] and he immediately goes from dying to just fine ready to hit that witch with a shovel a couple

[33:02] more times and they cut her head off with a shovel uh the which was great sure and then okay

[33:10] end of the movie right no because now hansel and gretel have formed a team with ed the troll

[33:15] and with the nerdy guy who was their like biggest fan and you see them walk off into a desert and

[33:21] it's like witches beware we're coming for you bump bump bump the end right no because they walk up to

[33:27] like a desert castle where there's a witch inside and we watch them kill another witch it's the

[33:32] movie that couldn't stop ending cut to black and then it starts again like this is a movie that's

[33:37] 88 minutes long it's the movie that that like i i don't i'm assuming it's gonna turn into like a

[33:44] Sliders-style sci-fi hour-long drama.

[33:47] It feels like...

[33:48] Well, here's the thing.

[33:48] Although they would totally murder the cast of Sliders,

[33:51] who are probably witches, right?

[33:52] I have to assume.

[33:53] How else do they slide?

[33:54] Yeah.

[33:54] Oh, wait, no.

[33:56] Sliders is about the guys who make tiny hamburgers, right?

[33:58] Where it's like, oh, I had like eight of these,

[34:00] and I'm still not really satisfied?

[34:01] So the ending of this movie is like

[34:06] being on a phone conversation with my mom,

[34:07] where every ten minutes she goes,

[34:09] well, I should let you go.

[34:11] Oh, there was one other thing I wanted to tell you.

[34:13] We're trying to say goodbye to you.

[34:14] It's been passed down to the Caelan gene.

[34:17] It runs in my family that I do long goodbyes,

[34:20] much like the film The Long Goodbye, based on the novel.

[34:23] Starring Elliot Caelan.

[34:24] Say what it are.

[34:26] Is playing at?

[34:27] Nowhere.

[34:28] Yes.

[34:30] Hold on.

[34:31] You're dead, Elliot.

[34:32] What?

[34:32] All this time I've been a ghost.

[34:35] A g-g-g-ghost.

[34:36] Thanks for keeping it real and reminding us that Elliot takes a long time to say goodbye, Dan.

[34:42] now so anyway let's get back to this part everybody's thinking it nobody's saying here's

[34:47] the thing about this movie this movie does feel like a one-hour sci-fi show this feel if this

[34:51] movie was a sci-fi channel original movie i would have been like that was a really good sci-fi

[34:55] channel original movie like so much better than wyvern or two-headed shark attack or what that's

[35:01] manticore versus monster box i don't know what they do chupacabra goes to camp whatever it's

[35:08] a very big foot christmas like aliens versus toadstools whatever they do on sci-fi channel

[35:14] whatever you know basilisk meets super mario brothers

[35:21] slightly larger than normal monkey versus manhole

[35:28] what is it like rottweiler attacks plunger i don't know how sci-fi channel comes up with all

[35:36] these great ideas yeah we're like you know like hercules versus sinbad in the age of the pharaohs

[35:44] okay so those all those ideas are copyrighted toddlers v spiders that's a legal case that's

[35:55] why i said v the toddlers sue the spiders for copyright courtroom drama usa here one of the

[36:03] lawyer one of the lawyers is a griffin oh and the other lawyer is an esquimax

[36:09] so so something about this feels like if this was a sci-fi channel original movie i would have said

[36:19] it was snappy like there was a lot of growth like fakey computer effects but they did them in a in

[36:24] a silly way they did good enough for a sci-fi channel good enough this is good enough for a

[36:28] sci-fi channel original movie for a feature film not exactly i will say like again if this had been

[36:34] an original idea everything we hadn't seen this stuff over and over again the past eight years

[36:40] or so i would have been like that was a really imaginative like fun movie but instead it feels

[36:46] very derivative it feels like we're watching somebody's dnd adventure yeah yeah so i'm gonna

[36:50] say that we are already in the final judgments but do we and i'll say that that uh that is a

[36:57] bad bad movie from you i don't know because i kind of there was stuff i really enjoyed in it

[37:03] i would say you know what i would say begrudgingly that it's a movie i kind of liked but it's a

[37:08] qualified kind of liked because it's if this if i was in the vacuum of space all right i had no

[37:15] knowledge of anything in movies or anything ever in every anything you're like an encino man

[37:20] exactly i'm a tabula rasa whereas it's also known an encino man and let's say as the greeks would

[37:26] say it in encino you're a brendan frazier rosa yeah i'm exactly i'm a rasta brendan frazier

[37:31] smoking pot worshiping highly selassie you know been in babylon too long time to get back to the

[37:39] home country zion is waiting for me brendan frazier you know listening to my bob marley

[37:46] albums brendan frazier again rasta brendan frazier sure thanks thank you for restating the premise

[37:53] if i was if i was coming at this totally new i think i would have liked it a lot if i was like

[37:59] a 12 year old watching this now and i was not aware of something like army of darkness i think

[38:04] i'd really like it a lot it's like just probably would have been mad that you weren't watching

[38:08] pacific rim but yeah yeah exactly it's like it moves really fast it's short it's got which i

[38:15] mean it shouldn't have started with those but like it's got plenty of bloody scenes there the

[38:19] characters are charismatic at least you know like the actors in it are fun to watch uh it's like a

[38:25] half-baked secondhand idea but it's not i wasn't uh border in pain it's not like marmaduke where

[38:32] i wanted to take a spike and shove it through my ears yeah yeah well i wanted to pull a sam

[38:37] neill and event horizon and just pull my eyes out and kill laurence fishburne yeah what i want to

[38:41] say i want to say about this movie is it has a lot of things i like it has uh jeremy renner it has

[38:47] Peter Stormare. It has Famke Janssen.

[38:50] I like that

[38:51] Gamma Appleby, too. Yeah, Jim and the Holograms

[38:54] is a very attractive lady.

[38:55] I like the Trollman. You love the Trollman.

[38:58] Every time the Trollman was on screen,

[39:00] Stuart would go, yes, yes.

[39:02] There's a naked lady. I like you

[39:04] keep comparing him to Snakeman from Joan X.

[39:05] Yeah, Snakeman, Michael Rooker.

[39:07] Snakeman wasn't even a character.

[39:09] He was just in one scene as a monster.

[39:12] There's some action scenes that are

[39:14] derivative of Sam Raimi.

[39:15] The whole movie is derivative of Sam Raimi.

[39:17] It is a, yeah, I would say it's a very marginal movie I kind of like.

[39:21] There's some very bad stuff in it.

[39:24] There's some boring derivative stuff.

[39:25] But at the same time, it moves so quickly and has so many elements that I kind of enjoy.

[39:32] Yeah, and I was even able to overcome my hatred of steampunk weaponry in medieval settings.

[39:37] Yeah, I mean, it's not.

[39:39] Although there was a little too much of that.

[39:40] It's like they had a collapsible folding gun that, like, nobody has that.

[39:44] Yeah, that they showed in detail in the credit sequence.

[39:47] A Punisher's Armory sort of thing, right?

[39:48] In the closing ending credits, it's just CGI close-ups of the different weapons.

[39:53] Yeah, like you're selecting which weapon you're going to use in an Xbox game or something.

[39:57] Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[39:58] No, yeah, you're right.

[39:59] It's not a good bad movie because it's not so bad it's fun.

[40:05] It's not really that good, but it's better than some...

[40:10] Maybe I'm just biased because we saw so many terrible things.

[40:13] Yeah, I think it's better than a lot of the crap that we've watched.

[40:16] It may have some advantage from coming right after Marmaduke.

[40:19] Yeah, but I would say, let's say it comes up on TV or you see it on Netflix streaming.

[40:26] Just watch Army of Darkness.

[40:28] Yeah.

[40:28] It's funny, though.

[40:30] You brought up the Army of Darkness thing, though, but these directors saw it when they were kids and they're trying to emulate it.

[40:36] But it was such a huge flop.

[40:37] They're not improving on the Army of Darkness.

[40:40] It's not like the world is ready for Army of Darkness now.

[40:44] Like, if it came out in theaters now, it wouldn't do well.

[40:46] I don't know that, because apparently a lot of these types of movies are doing well enough.

[40:50] I mean, like, according to Wikipedia, this movie made, you know, like 200-something million dollars worldwide.

[40:57] You know, which is, for a movie this size, is really good.

[41:01] Hansel and Gretel 2?

[41:02] What's it going to be?

[41:03] More witches?

[41:04] It's going to be vampires, but the vampires are just basically witches.

[41:08] Okay.

[41:09] It's going to be called Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunter Vampire Hunters.

[41:14] They hunt vampire hunters who are witches.

[41:17] It turns out there's a war between the vampires and the witches.

[41:21] Okay.

[41:21] The witches are out hunting vampires, but Hansel and Gretel are hunting the witch.

[41:27] Now, does that mean they team up with the vampires?

[41:29] Because vampires are still pretty bad, but maybe they can find common cause.

[41:33] That sets it up.

[41:35] Wait, what's going on?

[41:36] But then it ends on a to be continued.

[41:38] And then you get Hansel and Gretel and aliens.

[41:41] Okay, now I'm listening.

[41:44] It turns out aliens have landed in medieval times.

[41:46] Maybe that's where they got all their weaponry from.

[41:47] An alien spaceship they found.

[41:49] Look, Iron Man 3 didn't use the Mandarin finding that spaceship with the magic rings in it.

[41:53] Hansel and Gretel, steal that shit.

[41:55] Just use it in your movie.

[41:56] I mean, they shot the scene.

[41:57] What, where he finds the spaceship?

[41:59] Yeah, right.

[42:00] I don't think they did.

[42:01] Oh, they didn't?

[42:02] No, it's not in the movie.

[42:03] Okay.

[42:04] Well, I thought they shot it anyway because that's what the character does in the comics, right?

[42:08] No, no, they don't shoot everything in the comics and then decide they don't want to do anything.

[42:10] All right, well, I don't want to cut off this rich vein.

[42:12] Anyway, Hansel and Gretel fight aliens.

[42:14] Hey, hey, hey, just don't make fun of our stupid rant as being a rich vein.

[42:17] That sets it up for number four, Hansel and Gretel versus Hansel and Gretel.

[42:22] They fall through a portal to an alternate world.

[42:24] A porthole.

[42:25] Where everybody is witches and humans are evil.

[42:27] I'm not trying to cut it short because I'm a dick.

[42:32] I'm trying to cut it short.

[42:33] You didn't even let me get to Hansel and Gretel 5 in the time of the dinosaurs.

[42:36] I'm trying to cut it short because there's letters.

[42:38] There's no porthole though

[42:39] We've talked much longer than we normally do

[42:41] Because this is far in the future where there's dinosaurs

[42:43] No it's in the past but they're dinosaur witches

[42:46] They're dinosaur space cowboys

[42:48] Yes who are witches

[42:49] I'm trying to keep us on

[42:51] Track because there are letters we want to get to

[42:54] Alright

[42:55] Wait what do the letters arrive in

[42:58] A mail bag

[43:00] The Flophouse movie mail bag

[43:02] A movie mail bag

[43:04] A bag for mail

[43:05] Mail about movies for us

[43:08] Us

[43:08] A mailbag of movies

[43:10] A movie mailbag

[43:11] The Flophouse movie mailbag

[43:14] But what did it look like

[43:16] A burlap sack or a plastic thing

[43:19] Perhaps with a drawstring

[43:21] What does this mailbag look like

[43:23] A trick or treat bag

[43:25] A pillowcase

[43:26] Look when you're making up a song

[43:28] As you go along it's a little hard to keep the words straight

[43:31] So this first letter

[43:34] is titled

[43:37] First letter is titled

[43:40] To the original peaches in the original

[43:42] Big Apple.

[43:44] Is there another Big Apple?

[43:45] Take that, small apples.

[43:47] I was listening to the Seeking Justice

[43:49] I was listening to the Seeking Justice episode

[43:52] to celebrate quarter-cagemess.

[43:54] In it, you described a scene

[43:56] where Nicolas Cage is given ridiculous instructions

[43:58] at a monster truck rally.

[43:59] None of you can remember the name of the stadium

[44:02] and that is the Superdome.

[44:04] One of the most famous stadiums on earth.

[44:07] Famous indeed.

[44:08] Again, I would not like to become Elliot's new brother

[44:14] unless he would give me an Emmy for Christmas slash Hanukkah,

[44:17] but this is a fairly major lapse in sports-related judgment.

[44:21] Why are we celebrating both?

[44:22] I hope this letter is taken completely seriously

[44:24] and results in almost no mockery.

[44:27] Sincerely, Brennan, last name unpronounceable.

[44:30] P.S. I was just in New York over the weekend

[44:33] and saw Matilda in previews.

[44:35] It was one of the best things I've ever seen.

[44:37] I know Elliot has talked about loving Jesus Christ Superstar.

[44:40] So I was wondering if this week's recommendations

[44:42] could be your favorite musicals.

[44:43] So the fact that he saw Matilda in previews

[44:46] shows how old this...

[44:47] He means previews

[44:50] the comic book ordering catalog, right?

[44:52] From Diamond Distributors, yeah.

[44:54] He means sneak previews

[44:56] the long defunct PBS.

[44:58] I meant that.

[44:59] Now, two things. I did recommend a musical

[45:02] in the last episode.

[45:03] So let's just carry that one over.

[45:04] The musical I recommended was Dames.

[45:06] And the other thing I was going to say was,

[45:09] of course I'm not going to recognize,

[45:11] what was it, the Power Dome?

[45:12] The Technodrome?

[45:13] Thunder Dome?

[45:14] I don't know what stadiums look like.

[45:16] Which one's the one where Krang hides out in?

[45:18] That's the Technodrome.

[45:19] Okay.

[45:19] Now, look, if it's not the Roman Colosseum or...

[45:23] What?

[45:25] Like Biosphere 2,

[45:26] I'm not going to recognize any domed structures.

[45:28] Yeah.

[45:28] Or the Capitol Building, you know.

[45:30] I mean, when it comes to musicals,

[45:32] You can't go wrong with Singin' in the Rain, obviously

[45:37] Of course you can, it's the best musical ever made

[45:40] I have a lot of fondness for The Music Man

[45:44] I think Robert Preston's performance in that is very funny

[45:47] The Music Man's great

[45:47] West Side Story is a very nice filmed musical

[45:51] My Fair Lady has some

[45:54] You're really going out on a limb

[45:55] I mean, well, what do you want?

[45:57] He's just listed in every musical he's ever seen

[45:59] Little Shop of Horrors is a great more recent musical.

[46:02] I don't know what you want from me.

[46:05] For a musical, I'll recommend the album Traveler by the band Lord Weird Slough Egg.

[46:10] There you go.

[46:11] It's a heavy metal rock opera, dude.

[46:14] Yeah, it is a concept album, basically.

[46:16] It's a story about a space pirate turned into a man-dog.

[46:19] If I was going to recommend another musical, I'd recommend Top Hat.

[46:23] Sure.

[46:25] You know what else is good?

[46:28] Diamonds are a girl's best friend.

[46:29] That's not a movie.

[46:30] That's a musical number in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

[46:33] Sorry, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, the Howard Hawks film, is a lot of fun.

[46:38] It is.

[46:40] It has a great line.

[46:41] I don't want to spoil it, but my favorite line in that movie is Marilyn Monroe and Jane Mansfield are on a cruise ship.

[46:50] They're looking for rich men to marry, and they're sitting on either side of a kid at dinner.

[46:56] There's a cruise ship, you have assigned seats, and he's looking at them and they go,

[47:01] How old are you?

[47:02] And he says, Old enough to appreciate a fine-looking woman.

[47:05] This kid's like eight.

[47:07] Anyway, it's a funny scene.

[47:10] I tried to watch recently How to Marry a Millionaire, the other movie where Marilyn Monroe plays

[47:14] an unrepentant gold digger, and it is no Gentleman Preferred Blondes.

[47:18] Gentleman Preferred Blondes is a very good movie, and How to Marry a Millionaire is kind

[47:23] of dull.

[47:25] And I guess...

[47:27] Anti-recommendation.

[47:28] Consider that a negadation.

[47:31] That's better than mine.

[47:33] The next letter is titled,

[47:35] Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.

[47:36] My dad's favorite book series.

[47:39] I shudder to think how much longer

[47:41] I would have been unaware of your podcast

[47:43] if Uncle John had taken up a place

[47:45] in my bathroom library.

[47:46] My bath-bury?

[47:48] Thankfully, Entertainment Weekly

[47:51] is my go-to literature.

[47:55] Entertainment Weekly is my go-to literature.

[47:56] And upon seeing a recommendation in the must list,

[47:59] I added your podcast immediately.

[48:00] Yes, I washed my hands first.

[48:03] I mean, it doesn't matter.

[48:04] It's your magazine.

[48:05] I don't care.

[48:05] Watch yourself with it.

[48:06] When did T-Boat Grey's Anatomy or he?

[48:07] Or Top of the Lake.

[48:09] You watched Bates Motel.

[48:10] Come on.

[48:10] Top of the Lake to ya.

[48:12] On to the questions.

[48:13] How do you say that?

[48:14] What?

[48:14] Where would you say that?

[48:15] Like in a, you know, I don't know.

[48:17] At a lake.

[48:18] Like a fancy dinner?

[48:18] Like if you're in an Irish lake.

[48:19] A fancy lake.

[48:20] A fancy dinner.

[48:21] Yep.

[48:24] Because that's how you greet people at a banquet.

[48:25] There's questions.

[48:27] On to the questions.

[48:28] Well, thanks for listening to the podcast after reading about it,

[48:30] and I apologize for this episode.

[48:31] Number one.

[48:32] We're tired.

[48:32] Dan, what drink do you choose to help you get through the movies?

[48:37] I prefer craft beers like Flying Monkeys' Smash Bomb,

[48:41] but for B-movies, cheap brews like Pabst Blue Ribbon

[48:44] or Tall Boys of Old Milwaukee and Easton Light seem like a better fit.

[48:49] Hey, Dan, you know what beer ghosts drink?

[48:51] What?

[48:51] Pabst Boo Ribbon.

[48:53] i read i read that one in a joke book for kids called a hundred creepy hipster jokes

[49:02] a hundred alcoholic drinks for kids drinks for kids jokes for kids i'm glad they kept it only

[49:10] a hundred little chat book size a hundred a hundred creepy hipster jokes also includes

[49:16] what was what was what was the wolfman's favorite band what where weezer

[49:22] hey take it up with the authors of 100 creepy hipster jokes i don't it's not that creepy

[49:30] it involves a monster all right so if you can buy it at what like h&m or

[49:36] american apparel yeah it's at the american apparel book rack yep right next to i guess

[49:42] like a picture book of half-naked teenage girls yeah right next to a magazine made up of uh

[49:47] creepy pictures of employees of american apparel that all look like last known photos so thank you

[49:53] guys for answering my question no no um so he read about us in the bathroom he wants to know

[50:00] what drinks to drink while you're yeah what do you drink what do you drink dan uh look i like

[50:06] i like a spaghetti sauce just out of a mug sure i like a pale ale an india pale ale um

[50:15] uh i'm a quite fond i think my favorite might be uh green flash now i will say that i think that

[50:22] the hop head craze has gone too far uh you're putting your foot down yeah some some beers have

[50:28] gotten too uh syrupy and uh strong um for a nice refreshing beer thanks to uh stewart wellington

[50:37] being a bartender at a nice german beer garden i've come to be quite fond of you're welcome

[50:43] Einbecker Pilsner as a nice

[50:45] light beer for the summer. Well, this has been the

[50:47] ale house. No, there's questions for you guys, too.

[50:49] Oh, okay. Number two.

[50:51] But they better not be about movies, because you've got to

[50:53] talk about beer. Mine better be about dinosaurs.

[50:54] Elliot. What's your favorite

[50:57] dinosaur? Well, Deinonychus, of course.

[50:58] Elliot, if there was one comic book storyline

[51:01] you had to turn into a bad movie,

[51:02] which one would it be? The Punisher

[51:05] meets Archie? That would be

[51:07] a good movie. It's a funny comic.

[51:11] But I know it's going to be a bad movie.

[51:13] A storyline turned into a bad movie.

[51:14] That's a good question.

[51:16] I think, even though it's a good storyline in the comics,

[51:19] I think when Thor got turned into a frog by Loki,

[51:22] it's maybe the jewel in the crown of Walt Simonson's run on Thor,

[51:25] along with the introduction of Bedouin Bill, the horse-faced alien.

[51:28] But I think it would make a pretty good bad movie.

[51:31] I don't think the image of a giant frog wearing Thor's costume

[51:35] would translate to film, even though it works very well in comics.

[51:38] Fair enough.

[51:39] Number three, Stuart.

[51:41] Okay.

[51:41] I'm part of a B-movie club that regularly screens horrible movies,

[51:45] including Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Time, Barbarian,

[51:47] Jack Frost 2, Revenge of the Mutant Killer, Snowmen,

[51:51] Hard Rock Zombies, and about four dozen more titles.

[51:54] I wanted to get your recommendations on which movies to screen

[51:57] other than Invisible Maniac, Castle Freak, and Head of the Family.

[52:01] Okay, so...

[52:03] It's like taking Picasso's paints away from him.

[52:09] wait can i say invisible mania no yeah okay expressly forbidden can i say night of the

[52:16] demons you can oh wow okay uh night wait it's a bad movie i i feel like you've uh sung that

[52:22] movie's praises yeah but i mean i like it because it's a like a good bad horror movie all right i

[52:28] mean i'm not gonna like you're not gonna it's not gonna win oscars you're not gonna see a

[52:31] criterion collection of you never know of night of the demons i mean there is a moment where uh

[52:37] Lena Quigley sticks her lipstick into her boob, right?

[52:40] Yeah, and then you get to see her vagina later.

[52:42] I mean, you know, the...

[52:44] You know what, just say Dollman vs. Demonic Toys.

[52:47] Yeah, I'll say Dollman.

[52:49] Sorry, Tim Tombers.

[52:50] Or he's got a gun that explodes people.

[52:53] He's a tiny alien cop.

[52:54] They should have called it Tiny Alien Cop, the movie.

[52:58] Well, no, he's like a doll.

[53:00] That's why they call him Dollman.

[53:01] But he's not a doll.

[53:02] He blows up a bunch of new young scumbags.

[53:05] So that was from Sheldon, last name withheld.

[53:07] I hope that helped you, Sheldon.

[53:08] Did I give him a clear answer?

[53:09] You did.

[53:10] Night of the Demons.

[53:10] Did I say...

[53:12] I didn't say some dinosaur name, right?

[53:13] I said a movie name.

[53:15] Yeah.

[53:15] That's true.

[53:16] You said...

[53:17] Carnosaur.

[53:17] Watch Carnosaur.

[53:18] That's about the movie and the dinosaur.

[53:20] So there's next to letters from Per, last name withheld.

[53:24] Per?

[53:24] P-E-R.

[53:26] I don't know how one would...

[53:28] I thought a cat had written us a letter.

[53:29] First of all, I assume Elliot has already sung an intro to the mailbag segment.

[53:33] Well, I tried to, but Dan cut me off.

[53:35] But it reminds me, so this mailbag, are we sure it's a bag?

[53:39] Could it be a mail crate or a box of some kind of mailbox?

[53:43] We're running so late on this podcast.

[53:44] A mailbox.

[53:45] Maybe it's a box full of mail.

[53:47] Thank you.

[53:49] Oh, wow.

[53:50] A quick ending.

[53:51] All right.

[53:51] He says, I'm a flop fan from Sweden who has recently found your podcast via TV Tropes.

[53:56] I have enjoyed it immensely.

[53:58] I didn't know we weren't mentioned on TV Tropes.

[54:00] To spread the gospel of the Flophouse here in Sweden.

[54:04] Now for the meat of the letter.

[54:05] Thank you very much for spreading the gospel in Sweden.

[54:07] So that was like the bread part of the letter?

[54:09] Yeah, that was the bread.

[54:09] And then I assume that his name at the end of it is the other slice of bread.

[54:13] Or maybe cheese.

[54:15] I don't know what they eat in Sweden.

[54:16] Swedish fish.

[54:18] It's an open-faced sandwich in Sweden.

[54:20] Upside-down open-faced sandwich, yeah.

[54:22] Clearly, it's from Sweden.

[54:24] The meat is a meatball.

[54:26] And what we just read was the lingonberry sauce.

[54:28] All right.

[54:29] Well, here's the meatball, guys.

[54:32] One of you briefly mentioned the hypothetical possibility of a Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure video game.

[54:37] Uh-oh.

[54:38] It was, I think, in the Priest episode.

[54:39] This, I feel, would make for an excellent tangent at some point.

[54:42] There are so many questions that need to be answered.

[54:44] If the player, for instance, loses the bikini, will the effect be similar to that of the star in Super Mario World?

[54:50] This and other questions need an answer.

[54:52] I like that.

[54:53] If your top falls off in the game, you're invincible for a little bit.

[54:56] But then, of course, the Indian returns your top, as in the Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[54:59] Willie Tall Salt, yeah.

[55:00] As in the Great Bikini Offroad Adventure.

[55:02] Yeah, is there a minigame where you get to play as...

[55:04] No, that's too powerful.

[55:05] You can't be Willie Talsalt.

[55:06] No, no.

[55:07] He just shows up and gives you advice on how to play the game.

[55:09] Yeah, being Willie Talsalt is like being the player in SimCity,

[55:12] where you're constructing the world and seeing the gears that turn it.

[55:15] He's basically a god figure, yeah.

[55:18] He's the watcher.

[55:19] No, God watches even the lowliest sparrow fall and the lowliest bikini top fall off.

[55:25] I imagine the cutscenes would just be just like cutscenes of Topless Lake.

[55:29] Like, that is what, like, as in bikini movies.

[55:34] To be honest, I don't remember why they're running those bikini tours in The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[55:40] Most of the movie is just girls in bikinis.

[55:42] It seems to make a lot of sense to me.

[55:43] You heard the title of the movie, right?

[55:45] Most of the movie is just girls in bikinis leading tours of southwestern locations.

[55:49] Well, guys.

[55:50] And then taking their tops off.

[55:51] Yeah, it's, they're great at it.

[55:53] Guys, I'll be honest.

[55:55] I mainly read that last email to lead into this actual letter.

[56:01] Well, by Dan, that's a piece of lined paper in your hand.

[56:04] This is, it starts, Dear Dan, this is from Cassandra, last name withheld.

[56:11] I decided to include this handwritten letter because, well, I've always thought there was...

[56:17] What if I slipped in your locker?

[56:18] Do you like me? Check yes or no.

[56:22] I've always thought there was something nice about receiving letters written by hand.

[56:26] That's true.

[56:26] Also, should you choose to read this letter on your show,

[56:29] you can always put it in a bag labeled the Flophouse Movie Mailbag,

[56:33] then take it out of said bag,

[56:36] and for the first time ever,

[56:38] be able to say you're actually reading an actual letter from an actual, albeit homemade, mailbag.

[56:43] Anyway, here it is, your Holy Grail,

[56:46] a DVD copy of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[56:50] I hope it works and brings you lots of joy and pleasure.

[56:52] That's right, a fan.

[56:54] The best fan ever, our number one fan now.

[56:57] Yeah, I think that she is, Cassandra is in fact our number one fan.

[57:02] Well, you heard it here first, folks.

[57:03] So by making that statement, you know, people are going to throw themselves off of buildings

[57:07] like when Jackie Chan had a love interest in one of his movies.

[57:09] I don't care, I mean, look, the truth can't be held back.

[57:13] Look, all we can say is if you want to be the number one fan,

[57:16] You have to do something at the level of, or better than,

[57:20] sending Dan a copy of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure on DVD.

[57:23] Which he currently clutches in his hand.

[57:25] It's beautiful!

[57:27] Don't look at it, Marion! Don't look at it! Keep your eyes closed!

[57:32] Cassandra, I believe, I remember from previous email exchanges,

[57:39] she came across a VHS copy of The Great Bikini

[57:46] Off-Road Adventure. I don't even think

[57:48] all the girls on the cover are in the movie.

[57:50] Classic

[57:52] VHS maneuver. She was

[57:54] nice enough to transfer

[57:56] the movie

[57:58] from VHS to DVD,

[58:00] print out a cover

[58:02] of the Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure

[58:03] sleeve, and

[58:06] send it to us.

[58:07] So, Elliot, you probably know this. What are the

[58:10] conditions for sainthood?

[58:11] You have to perform two miracles.

[58:13] This counts as one.

[58:15] This counts as one, certainly.

[58:16] And then I think you have to be canonized by the Catholic Church.

[58:19] That's probably pretty easy.

[58:21] I mean, if you can turn a VHS tape into a little circular pizza-shaped disc.

[58:26] Wait, does that count as a second number?

[58:27] I like that you said circular and pizza-shaped.

[58:29] Well, because pizzas always have a hole in the middle, right?

[58:32] No.

[58:33] But we're going to see you, Johnson.

[58:34] We got your pizzas, too.

[58:36] Oh, man.

[58:37] Allow me the liberty of reading the back of the Great Vicar of Adventure.

[58:41] With business so slow, Duke Abbey almost loses his Jeep tour company, the local mining company, for back rent.

[58:47] Use the word company twice in one sentence.

[58:49] With the help of his luscious niece, Lori, and some of her bodacious bikini-clad friends, Duke's business makes a U-turn.

[58:55] I don't know why you do a driving pun instead of a boob pun.

[58:58] As they drive the local man wild while showing them some of the hottest sights in the desert, their sweat turns to wet.

[59:04] What?

[59:04] As a broken-down Jeep forces the girls to take their curves down the river where sunscreen's a must but bikinis are optional,

[59:12] the girls raise the money while showing the locals that the view's always better with the top down.

[59:17] Starring Lauren Hayes, Meatballs 4, Avalon Anders, Bikini Summer 2, Dan Frank, Turk 182.

[59:23] And it says, sizzling comedy perfect for summer rentals.

[59:27] It's from 1984.

[59:28] From the director of Bikini Car Wash 2, it says.

[59:30] Now, I've had this.

[59:31] I've got to say, guys, I've had this in my possession for a couple days.

[59:34] I have not watched it.

[59:36] I feel like we need to watch it.

[59:37] Pop that fucking thing in right now.

[59:39] Yeah, I don't care what time it is.

[59:40] We're watching all 90 minutes of this.

[59:42] Rated R.

[59:44] Let me just text Elliot's wife, tell her not to wait up.

[59:46] Tell her exactly why.

[59:48] I'm sorry.

[59:50] Elliot is embarking on an adventure.

[59:53] Elliot's embarking on an erotic adventure, unparalleled.

[59:56] I've seen this movie already before.

[59:58] I don't know why I'm acting like I've never seen it before.

[1:00:00] I think I'm the only one of the three.

[1:00:02] Of the three of us, you're the only one who has not seen

[1:00:04] the majesty that it is.

[1:00:06] Oh my god, it's full of stars, etc.

[1:00:08] Did I ever tell you guys

[1:00:10] the story about, very quickly,

[1:00:12] I did some freelance work

[1:00:14] once transcribing a lot of

[1:00:16] interviews and behind-the-scenes footage

[1:00:18] for a thing about the making of Dazed and Confused,

[1:00:20] and the guy who plays Wiley in

[1:00:22] Dazed and Confused in a then

[1:00:24] contemporary interview was talking about

[1:00:26] how he went to,

[1:00:28] he was working in Hollywood, and he started having to work

[1:00:30] in this production house

[1:00:31] that was really crappy

[1:00:32] and he's like

[1:00:32] and the guy there

[1:00:33] had this movie he directed

[1:00:35] and he had the poster

[1:00:36] up on the wall

[1:00:37] it was so stupid

[1:00:38] The Great Bikini

[1:00:39] Off-Road Adventure

[1:00:40] and I mean it was like

[1:00:41] I've seen that movie!

[1:00:42] Yeah, you would have been

[1:00:45] properly starstruck.

[1:00:46] Yeah, I would have

[1:00:47] oh my god

[1:00:48] you directed that?

[1:00:49] Tell me tales of it.

[1:00:51] Tell me tales

[1:00:52] of Willie Tall Salt.

[1:00:53] How did you

[1:00:56] so how did you make

[1:00:56] the boobs fall off?

[1:00:57] Was it fishing wire?

[1:00:58] First off

[1:00:59] don't say anything

[1:01:00] about boobs falling off.

[1:01:01] That sounds horrible.

[1:01:02] I meant the tops fall off.

[1:01:04] Yeah.

[1:01:04] That would be horrible.

[1:01:05] That would be

[1:01:06] the great bikini leprosy adventure.

[1:01:07] Not as popular

[1:01:10] for some reason.

[1:01:10] No.

[1:01:11] Very unpopular.

[1:01:12] So, okay.

[1:01:14] Should we do

[1:01:14] quick recommendations?

[1:01:15] Yeah, very quick

[1:01:16] recommendations

[1:01:17] of movies

[1:01:17] that we've seen

[1:01:18] that we actually liked

[1:01:20] even though we all

[1:01:22] kind of liked

[1:01:22] Hansel and Gretel

[1:01:23] but I think

[1:01:23] we can do better.

[1:01:24] I think there's definitely

[1:01:25] better movies

[1:01:25] than Hansel and Gretel.

[1:01:26] Stuart, what's a movie

[1:01:27] that you want to recommend?

[1:01:28] I'm going to recommend

[1:01:29] And another movie starring Peter Stormare, The Last Stand, starring an aging Arnold Schwarzenegger, directed by the director of I Saw the Devil.

[1:01:41] I don't remember his name.

[1:01:42] And he directed The Good, the Bad, and the Weird, too.

[1:01:44] I wish that the movie posters had said, an aging Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[1:01:50] But no, I mean, they really kind of pitched the movie, and it did not do well.

[1:01:55] I believe it was a financial flop.

[1:01:58] And I think part of the problem was they really pitched the Arnold Schwarzenegger

[1:02:03] and the Johnny Knoxville element, and I think they kind of played both those guys down.

[1:02:06] It ends up being a pretty good modern-day Western with a lot of great action and gore effects,

[1:02:15] and the bad guy's played by the Spanish actor who played Jacinto in The Devil's Backbone,

[1:02:21] the bad guy in that movie.

[1:02:22] So, yeah, I'd recommend, if you're looking for a good old-fashioned action movie, I'd recommend it.

[1:02:30] I had the pleasure of seeing, recently, Lawrence of Arabia on the big screen.

[1:02:38] Oh, taking a stand here.

[1:02:40] Yeah, I know.

[1:02:41] Yeah, real controversial stand.

[1:02:43] Lawrence of Arabia equals good.

[1:02:45] But I had only seen it about 20 years ago on, like, a VHS copy, I think, in, like, a school, like, social studies class, where I liked it.

[1:02:57] But, like, obviously that's not the way you see Lawrence of Arabia.

[1:03:00] It's not what David Lean intended.

[1:03:01] And I saw a restored.

[1:03:02] He hated social studies.

[1:03:03] I saw a restored print of it at BAM here in Brooklyn.

[1:03:08] I think it was a digital print, which I didn't love, but whatever.

[1:03:11] Yeah, wah.

[1:03:13] And it's just, you know, it's an amazing movie.

[1:03:16] Fantasy world people problems, you know.

[1:03:17] Before the intermission, it's kind of an amazing adventure movie.

[1:03:23] Like, you see this, like, it's kind of Middle Eastern, Western.

[1:03:27] And you see the seeds of, like, adventure movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[1:03:31] And then after the intermission, it's really a portrait of kind of political disillusionment as Lawrence is unable to kind of give Arabia back to the people the way he wants to.

[1:03:44] It's a beautiful movie to see on the big screen.

[1:03:48] Like you can't really appreciate it seeing it at home, unfortunately.

[1:03:53] So I guess I'm recommending.

[1:03:54] I think you can appreciate it.

[1:03:55] You can appreciate it.

[1:03:56] It isn't the same experience.

[1:03:58] but i'm recommending it unfortunately experience that not everyone necessarily can have that was

[1:04:02] on their new screen with like the really good sound system yeah the one we saw only god forgives

[1:04:06] that uh very similar movies but also i i want to say like before i think one is literally a third

[1:04:12] as long as the other one before i went to see lawrence of arabia uh i went out to uh have uh

[1:04:19] drinks celebrating our mutual friends kurt's birthday uh so i have like you're promoting

[1:04:25] recommending that no like birthdays my point my point is like i ended up having like three or

[1:04:31] four pints of beer before seeing this three hour and 40 minute long movie and i think it's the

[1:04:36] movie's credit you're saying that i neither fell asleep nor had to pee at any point other than

[1:04:40] the intermission what you're saying is you wet yourself and you didn't realize it till the movie

[1:04:44] was over yes i soiled myself but it was worth it for david lean's vision yeah ellie what do you

[1:04:50] have to recommend i think uh well i wanted to recommend like a fantasy adventure movie that

[1:04:55] was better than hansel and gretel but there is none there is none it's the tops we talked about

[1:04:59] army of darkness earlier but i think instead i'll recommend a comedy action movie uh that i liked a

[1:05:05] lot more and that would be shoot them up with clive owen and monica bellucci and paul giamatti

[1:05:10] a movie that felt really fresh to me when it came out because it was maybe the goofiest action movie

[1:05:18] i'd remember seeing it's basically like if bugs bunny and elmer fudd were in an action movie in

[1:05:24] a lot of ways it was i think it was during a time where a lot of action movies were being grim dark

[1:05:28] being super grim and serious yeah and now action movies are all kind of tongue-in-cheek and this

[1:05:33] one manages to be goofy and and paradising action movie stuff without being so tongue-in-cheek that

[1:05:40] it becomes irritating and they really took advantage of the concept of a man who can do

[1:05:44] anything with guns uh and i enjoy it a lot it's a live action cartoon you know a clive action

[1:05:51] cartoon it's a clive action cartoon how would clive owen describe it uh what are you trying

[1:05:57] like what if you if he were here right now what do you think he would say i don't know what you

[1:06:02] hello hello it's me how is clive owen so so that's how he would describe the movie is just

[1:06:09] saying hello it's me he would greet us and then i cannot control what happens when the spirit

[1:06:18] enters me when you channel the essence of clive owen so three recommendations totally equal in

[1:06:24] stature the last stand shoot him up and lawrence of arabia very similar sorry mr mr pretentious

[1:06:31] pants and we didn't all recommend david lean movies uh i don't recommend brief encounter

[1:06:36] again there you go done mortal combat yeah this happy breed sure um so guys it's been fun cannibal

[1:06:46] women in the avocado jungle of death uh it has been fun yeah so we just wrap this up and put in

[1:06:53] the movie or yeah we wrap it up and we uh take an adventure we take an off-road adventure a bikini

[1:06:59] off-road adventure nay a great bikini off-road adventure i wish hey guys i've been steward

[1:07:05] well i wish i wish this could have been reviewed in theaters so that some snooty reviewer could

[1:07:10] have said great bikini off-road adventure it is hardly a passable bikini off-road adventure

[1:07:14] uh sure wellington has already said his name so i will say that i am dan mccoy

[1:07:21] and i think i'm elliot calen probably good night everyone i mean i look like him yeah

[1:07:27] so bikinis you sound like him irritating hey wait a minute

[1:07:35] Jez Smith, who from his comic books, I'm assuming, is the most masculine dude in the world.

[1:07:43] He's kind of a teddy bear.

[1:07:45] I don't know, you read Rassel?

[1:07:46] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:47] That's an oddly shaped human being.

[1:07:49] He's got some nude ladies in there.

[1:07:52] With their enormous heads and tiny bodies.

[1:07:54] Yep.

[1:07:55] Because he's still basically a cartoonist at heart.

[1:07:57] Yeah, it's like Walt Kelly drawing naked ladies.

[1:07:59] I'm sure Walt Kelly at some point drew a naked lady.

[1:08:02] Oh, sure.

[1:08:02] Yeah, exactly.

[1:08:03] Having sex with a possum.

[1:08:05] Sure.

[1:08:05] He's got to pay the bills somehow.

[1:08:07] Yeah.

[1:08:07] It was part of his underground book, I Do Pogo.

[1:08:10] That's right.

[1:08:11] He drew it at Comic-Con.

[1:08:14] There was someone who demanded that.

[1:08:16] My sketchbook's theme is.

[1:08:18] You call Pogo having sex with a busty lady?

[1:08:20] Sure, whatever.

[1:08:21] My sketchbook is your most popular character having sex with a busty lady.

[1:08:24] Okay.

[1:08:24] Wow, really?

[1:08:25] All these people did these?

[1:08:26] It's all Frank Jo stuff.

[1:08:27] Weird.

The Flop House: Episode #132 - Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

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