The Flop House: Episode #132 - Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Hansel and Gretel witch hunters, because the Brothers Grimm was such a success.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:36] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:40] Hey everybody, greetings and welcome to the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[0:43] I thought you were going to say Greedo.

[0:44] Please take off your shoes. Greedo, welcome to the Flophouse. This unit is Elliot Kalin.

[0:50] No blasters, etc.

Dan McCoy

[0:52] You guys totally yes-ended me. You mirrored my energy, and you took it to another place.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] That's because, Dan, you and I are two sides of the same coin.

[1:02] I'm your shadowy twin, your double.

Dan McCoy

[1:04] No. Wait, you're the shadowy twin?

[1:07] Kent, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] Yeah, he's the Clark Kent to your Superman.

Dan McCoy

[1:10] Of the two of us, I mean, I think we're both pretty decent guys, but I feel like you are a shade decenter than me.

[1:16] I don't know about that. I think I'm less decent.

[1:18] Yeah? I mean, you aren't wearing anything, so you are very indecent right now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] Yep. I'm going to make an indecent proposal.

[1:25] Okay, what is it?

[1:26] That's a movie.

[1:28] I don't know.

[1:30] Come on.

[1:30] Maybe something with, like, we could, like, go eat at a diner and then leave without paying the check.

[1:35] That is very indecent.

Dan McCoy

[1:37] A decent person would not do that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39] No, they would not even propose that.

[1:41] Dan's loving this.

[1:42] So what do we do here?

Dan McCoy

[1:43] What is this that we're listening to?

[1:45] This is a podcast.

[1:47] So that's number one.

[1:49] Okay.

[1:49] On the list.

[1:50] Okay, so it's like a radio show on the internet.

[1:52] Yeah.

[1:52] You downloaded it.

[1:53] It's like a movie in your mind.

[1:55] You downloaded it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:56] Probably made a mistake, accidentally downloaded it.

Dan McCoy

[1:58] Your iPhone, your iPod, your Zoom.

Elliott Kalan

[2:00] You made the mistake of listening to Parade Magazine and downloaded these three cackling morons.

Stuart Wellington

[2:07] So there's that.

[2:07] Probably loaded up your pod, sat down on the beach.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] Your pod?

[2:11] Oh, iPod.

[2:11] Yeah.

[2:12] Yeah.

[2:12] So once we've established that this is a podcast.

[2:14] And what do we do on this podcast?

[2:15] Secondarily, what we do on this podcast.

[2:17] Daniel McKay.

[2:18] Is what?

[2:19] No, Ron.

[2:20] Is that we watch a movie and then we talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[2:23] But we don't do the movie part on the podcast.

[2:25] We already did that.

Dan McCoy

[2:25] We watched it.

[2:26] We watched it already.

[2:27] A bad movie.

[2:28] A bad movie usually.

[2:29] And what did we watch?

[2:30] Tonight we watched a little movie called Hansel and Gretel, colon, witch hunters.

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] Wait, they hunt colon witches?

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:38] Like a witch that lives in your colon?

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:41] Go to your doctor.

Stuart Wellington

[2:43] Before we get into the movie, I have some previous business, okay?

[2:49] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[2:49] I'd like to start.

[2:50] That you're supposed to do.

[2:51] This is not on the agenda.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] We already finished old business.

[2:54] We're into new business now.

Stuart Wellington

[2:55] I'd like to set some house rules, if you will.

[2:58] Okay.

[2:59] After watching Marmaduke or Marmapuke, as I call it, or Marmablick, depending on if Mad

[3:05] Magazine will give me money for it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:07] Or Marmite Duke, depending on whether it's Australia.

Stuart Wellington

[3:09] I would like to say that unless we watch another movie about giant dogs, no one's allowed to

[3:13] say, dog house, who let the dogs out, or blank blank, to the dogs.

[3:19] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] I mean, I don't know that we needed to establish those ground rules.

[3:22] What if the dogs do something great, and I want to toast them?

[3:25] I can't lift up my champagne flute and say, to the dogs.

Stuart Wellington

[3:28] I guess that's okay, but you can't do that on the air or in the house.

[3:32] It'd have to be in someone else's house.

[3:34] In the dog house?

[3:35] Wait.

[3:35] Wait, no.

[3:36] Sounds like dogs are really in the dog house.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] Sounds like Stuart's really going to the dogs.

[3:41] See?

[3:42] No, wait.

[3:43] This is all falling to pieces.

[3:46] Uh-oh.

Stuart Wellington

[3:46] Stuart's quite barking mad.

[3:48] He's barking up the wrong tree.

[3:50] I didn't even say you couldn't say those things.

[3:53] So those are my humble requests.

[3:56] We'll just put that down in the house rules agreement.

[3:58] The dog house rules?

[3:59] Wait.

[4:00] No.

[4:00] Oh, the cider house rules.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] The Spitfire rules.

[4:03] Do you guys have any rules?

[4:04] Anything?

[4:06] No shirt, no shoes, no service.

[4:08] I would love to make a rule that we start talking about the fucking movie we watched tonight.

[4:12] Okay, let's note that.

[4:13] Dan, put that in the notes.

[4:14] All right.

[4:15] So can I get a second on that rule?

[4:17] Nope.

[4:18] Well, we'll get to that.

[4:19] Motion to, I would like to submit a motion that we start talking about the movie.

[4:23] Motion carried.

[4:25] Motion carried.

[4:25] Great.

[4:26] So we watched a movie.

[4:27] Dan, what was the title?

[4:28] I said it already.

[4:29] It's Hansel and Gretel colon Witch Hunters.

[4:33] I keep wanting to say Ghost Hunters.

[4:35] Ghost Hunters would be great.

[4:38] Because it takes a classic story of Hansel and Gretel.

[4:40] You and I very briefly were Ghost Hunters.

[4:42] Yeah, that's true.

[4:43] Look it up.

[4:44] Google it.

[4:44] Look it up on YouTube.

[4:45] Ghost Hunters.

[4:46] Anyway, Hansel and Gretel colon Ghost Hunters 3D.

[4:48] 3D.

[4:49] But we didn't watch it in 3D.

[4:50] No.

[4:51] Did we watch the extreme version?

[4:52] I'm not sure.

[4:53] Reading about the...

[4:54] Question mark.

[4:54] There are two different versions of this movie.

Dan McCoy

[4:56] I did not see any Mountain Dew.

[4:56] I did not see any skateboards or snowboards.

Elliott Kalan

[5:01] Skateboarding is not extreme, Dan.

[5:02] That's just treme at best.

[5:04] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[5:05] Snowboarding is extreme.

[5:06] What about rocket skateboarding?

Elliott Kalan

[5:08] Yeah, sure.

[5:09] All right.

[5:10] Like Rocket Racer would have.

[5:11] Yeah.

[5:11] We didn't see any of extreme, also known as Adam X, the third summer's brother.

[5:17] It's an X-Men reference.

Dan McCoy

[5:18] There was no Vin Diesel as Triple X, the most extreme secret agent there is.

Stuart Wellington

[5:24] Or wasn't Ice Cube one of the Triple X's?

[5:27] Oh, yeah.

[5:28] Yeah, he was the second Triple X.

[5:29] He was State of the Union.

Elliott Kalan

[5:30] He was State of the Union, wasn't he?

Stuart Wellington

[5:32] Anyway, Witch Hunters.

[5:33] Let's talk about it, shall we?

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] So it takes the popular story of Hans Holm Gretel and turns it on its ear.

[5:38] Makes it an action farce.

[5:40] It's part of this current trend of fairy tale movies that have been, you know, darkened up.

[5:46] Such as?

[5:46] Had a twist on them.

[5:47] Such as, you know, your Snow White and the Huntsman's.

[5:49] Okay.

[5:50] Your Jack and the Giant whatevers.

[5:52] Your, you know, Berenstain Three Bears and the Goldilocks Killers.

[5:56] Sure, Country Bears movie.

[5:58] Country Bears Jimberees.

[6:00] Your, you know, Little Red Riding Slayer.

[6:03] Your, well, Red Riding Hood.

[6:05] Whatever the one we watched was.

[6:08] Remember the Little Red Riding Hood we watched?

[6:09] With the metal elephant that Gary Oldman put people in and they got steamed to death?

[6:13] Gary Oldman's best ever line reading where a guy asked if he could touch his sword and he went,

[6:17] No.

[6:19] As he looked away.

[6:20] So this is in that run of public domain characters that they already have a name value that audiences recognize,

[6:28] but the studio doesn't have to pay anybody for the rights because who's going to sue them?

[6:31] The Grimm brothers?

[6:32] Come on.

[6:33] They died like 800,000 years ago.

Stuart Wellington

[6:35] They were killed by witches or something.

[6:37] Unless you want to make a movie where the brothers Grimm were like mummies?

[6:42] And were killing people who were using their intellectual property.

[6:46] Why would they be mummies?

[6:47] Why not, dude?

[6:48] Are there a lot of other mummy movies out there?

Elliott Kalan

[6:50] Yeah, there's three.

[6:51] Brendan Fraser going to come kill me?

[6:52] There's the mummy.

[6:53] There's the mummy 3D.

[6:54] And there's the mummy 5D through the portal of time.

[6:58] Anyway, Hansel and Gretel, Ghost Witch Hunters, rated R.

[7:02] There's mummy Darius.

[7:02] It was rated R, right?

[7:04] I think this version was.

[7:05] They said fuck multiple times, so I assume.

[7:07] It was a nude scene.

[7:07] Come on.

[7:07] And there was a lot of blood.

[7:08] Yeah, but, yeah.

[7:10] But there's two versions of this movie.

[7:11] There's the regular version and the extreme version.

[7:13] And I'm not sure which one we watched because it was pretty gory.

[7:16] But there was a scene described in the extreme version in the Wikipedia entry that I don't remember from it.

[7:20] So let's talk about the scenes that were in it, shall we?

[7:22] Let's talk about the plot.

[7:24] We begin our movie in media res as young Hansel and Gretel are being led into the woods by their papa to be abandoned.

[7:33] Why?

[7:34] Origin story.

[7:34] We don't know.

[7:35] But they come upon a house made out of candy.

[7:38] They start eating it.

[7:40] Of course.

[7:40] The door opens.

[7:40] They go inside.

[7:41] Uh-oh.

[7:42] There's a witch in there.

[7:43] The witch captures them is forcing Hansel to eat candy, I guess, to fatten him up.

[7:48] Even though you really want to feed the kids, like, grass.

[7:50] Something organic.

[7:52] Look, I just want to take a moment and say, like, I'm not saying.

Dan McCoy

[7:55] They're not going to put on that much mass from just candy.

[7:57] I'm not saying that if I came across a house made of candy, I wouldn't eat a little bit of it.

[8:02] At the same time, that house is just, like, out in the woods.

[8:05] Like, you got to expect, like, twigs and shit are stuck to that candy house.

[8:09] Oh, it must smell terrible.

[8:10] It's like bird shit is all over that house.

Stuart Wellington

[8:11] It's like when you see a guy jogging around the streets of New York with his shirt off.

[8:14] Like, you don't want to touch that guy.

[8:15] He's all sweaty.

[8:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:17] It might be.

[8:17] You don't put that in your mouth.

[8:18] Like, this story might as well have started with, like, Hansel and Gretel seeing a lollipop

[8:24] in the gutter and picking it up and eating it.

Elliott Kalan

[8:25] Well, to be fair, they were two children who had been abandoned and were very hungry.

[8:29] So they may have eaten a lollipop out of the gutter.

[8:30] True.

[8:31] Yeah, they cut that scene, probably.

[8:32] What you're saying is, you've never truly known hunger.

[8:34] Mm-hmm.

[8:35] I have been.

[8:36] You've never been.

[8:36] You've never been abandoned by your parents in the woods, only to find a candy witch house.

[8:42] Mm-hmm.

[8:42] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[8:43] Fairytale people problems is what you're trying to say.

[8:45] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[8:47] Long story short, they manage to escape, and they kill the witch by shoving her in the

[8:52] fire.

[8:52] It's the Hansel and Gretel story we all know and love.

[8:55] Now, years later, as the movie Chiron tells us, many years later, they are professional

[9:01] witch hunters.

[9:01] After a lengthy credit sequence.

[9:03] There's a lengthy credit sequence.

[9:04] It's all animated, in which we see headlines from, I guess, like a 16th century newspaper

[9:09] that is announcing the various career escapades of Hansel and Gretel, the famous witch

[9:14] hunters.

[9:14] That's to tell us, the viewer, that the movie doesn't take itself too seriously.

[9:18] It's got its tongue planted firmly in cheek.

[9:21] So far in its cheek that it actually went around to the other cheek, and the tongue tied itself

[9:25] up in knots, and then it was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, couldn't talk.

[9:27] Yeah, it's like a self-French kiss.

[9:30] A self-French kiss.

[9:31] Otherwise known as Dan's whole middle school years.

[9:34] Boom!

[9:35] Anyway.

[9:36] Key high-five sound effect.

[9:38] And play it.

[9:39] And Dan just edit in the high-five sound effect later.

[9:43] So, but I kind of, I did.

[9:45] You guys are right across the table from each other.

[9:46] We're lazy.

[9:47] There was something about this headline montage that I liked at first, because it's such a

[9:52] goofy idea.

[9:52] And this movie is full of goofy ideas.

[9:55] This is a much sillier movie.

[9:55] You wanted it to be more like Johnny Dangerously or something, though, right?

[9:58] I didn't want it that goofy.

[10:00] Wait a minute!

[10:01] I wanted to, because I didn't want to see like a parody.

[10:04] I wanted to see like a silly action movie.

[10:07] Did we get it?

[10:08] Well, we'll find out.

[10:08] Fifteen years later, Hansel and Gretel are famous witch hunters.

[10:12] And they go to a town where they interrupt the sheriff, played by Peter Stormare.

[10:18] Always great.

[10:19] Peter Stormare at his loudest and somehow laziest at the same time.

[10:21] And mustachioed.

[10:23] And mustachioed.

[10:23] There's something about his performance in this where he uses probably three times as

[10:28] much energy as he used in Fargo and delivers one-tenth the performance.

[10:32] Yeah.

[10:32] But anyway, he's the only guy I know who has to use more energy to phone in something.

[10:37] But they're in the middle of trying to execute Mina, a young woman accused of witchcraft.

[10:42] But the siblings interrupt...

[10:43] Played by Misty Monday.

[10:45] No.

[10:45] Played by, I think, a Norwegian actress.

[10:47] No, that's too bad.

[10:47] You wanted it to be Misty Monday.

[10:49] Yeah, I just kind of squinted a little bit.

[10:51] And like Misty Monday, spoiler alert, you see her butt later.

Dan McCoy

[10:58] Yeah, and the IMDb page for Misty Monday, when it says best known for her, it just says

[11:02] her butt underneath.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] I mean, I haven't checked, but I would believe that.

Stuart Wellington

[11:08] I think Dan's the reigning sexpert on Misty Monday out of the film.

[11:12] Erin Brown?

Dan McCoy

[11:12] Real name Erin Brown?

[11:13] Sure.

[11:14] I don't want to know that you know that.

[11:17] Legitimate roles in Lucky McKee's Sick Girl episode of Masters of Horror?

[11:21] Okay, I'm sorry I brought this up.

[11:22] Okay, anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[11:23] So, they stop the sheriff from killing this woman that he says is a witch, but they say

[11:27] she doesn't show the signs of being a witch.

[11:30] She's not rotted on the inside and all evil looking and everything.

[11:33] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[11:33] And here's the thing.

[11:34] The witches in this movie, they're basically just vampires with a little bit of modern zombie

[11:39] thrown in.

[11:40] Like, they got monster...

[11:41] Yeah, fast zombie.

[11:42] They got monster faces.

[11:43] They move really fast.

[11:44] They know kung fu.

[11:45] They got red eyes.

[11:45] They run on all fours.

[11:47] They got red...

[11:47] Well, except the...

[11:48] Like a monster face like David Boreanaz in Angel?

[11:52] I guess.

[11:53] Like a monster face like the cat people in Sleepwalkers.

[11:56] Okay.

[11:57] One of the ladies has hedgehog hair, which makes her kind of look like Pinhead.

[12:00] A little bit.

[12:01] Yeah, she also kind of looks like polystyrene from the X-Ray Specs.

[12:03] Yeah.

[12:04] But, uh, they...

[12:05] The witch...

[12:05] When we say witches, it's a thing that you are born to be.

[12:09] Like, you're genetically a witch, I guess.

[12:12] Which is not really my understanding of witches, but...

[12:16] What are you gonna do?

[12:17] Yeah, I mean, it's whatever witch mythos they want to...

[12:19] And this is something that has frustrated me that I was complaining to Stuart about is that

[12:22] all these monsters, zombies, witches, vampires, werewolves, they used to have different things.

[12:28] Like strengths, weaknesses, profile...

[12:30] Yeah.

[12:30] Flavor profiles, if you will.

[12:32] But they've all just kind of been mishmashed into one basic monster that they just call whatever,

Dan McCoy

[12:37] you know.

[12:37] Like, somewhere along the line, someone decided that the scariest thing a monster could be

[12:42] is, like, feral.

[12:44] Yeah.

[12:44] And so, like, they all just, like, turn into, like...

[12:45] Super fast or...

[12:47] Crazy, like, whirling dervishes of killing.

Elliott Kalan

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:50] Which is scary, but it's like...

[12:52] But it's one type of scary.

[12:53] It's a very one-note scary.

[12:54] But anyway, we're barely into the movie.

[12:57] Uh, Hansel and Gretel are there.

[12:59] They save the woman from being killed.

[13:00] The sheriff doesn't like it.

[13:01] But Gretel, uh, headbutts him in the nose and breaks his nose.

[13:05] Which means that Peter Stormare, for most of the rest of the movie, wears this bizarre...

[13:08] Like a leather nose patch.

[13:09] It's like a leather nose sling patch with a band that goes around his head.

[13:13] And it looks almost like he has a sleep...

[13:16] Like, those sleep blindfolds people wear on planes, but for his nose.

[13:19] Like, I'll just let my nose rest.

Dan McCoy

[13:21] I don't want my nose to be disturbed by all the sunlight.

[13:24] Someone involved in the production saw Chinatown and was like,

[13:27] give me a steampunk version of that.

Elliott Kalan

[13:30] Uh, they've been...

[13:31] The sheriff has...

[13:31] The mayor has hired them for this town because there's a lot of children that have gone missing.

[13:35] They're gonna investigate.

[13:36] And there's also a plucky young guy who's a huge Hansel and Gretel fan

[13:39] who has a scrapbook of all their escapades and is tagging along,

[13:43] you know, kind of irritating them a little bit.

[13:45] That'd be the Elliot character of the movie, right?

Stuart Wellington

[13:47] Oh, for sure.

[13:48] I would be Gretel, of course, because I'm pretty much a badass.

[13:51] Because you're the babe, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:53] And Dan would be, I guess, the troll who comes up later.

[13:57] Or maybe one of the kidnapped children.

[13:59] I'm so close to being Jeremy Renner.

[14:00] You'll never be Jeremy Renner.

[14:02] But you may be like...

[14:03] You can be Michael Rooker, a.k.a. the troll.

[14:05] Do you want to be Jeremy Renner in this?

[14:06] Because it turns out, after eating all that candy as a kid,

[14:09] he has diabetes.

[14:10] And he has to take insulin shots every day.

[14:13] Yeah, hold on.

[14:13] Wait, are you just making a joke?

[14:15] No, no.

[14:15] Because that sounds ridiculous.

[14:16] No.

[14:17] Let's establish another thing about this movie.

[14:19] It is a steampunk film.

[14:22] And this movie, okay.

[14:23] You love that shit, dude.

[14:24] I don't.

[14:25] Let's just say one thing.

[14:26] If this movie had come out 10 years ago, 15 years ago,

[14:30] I would have, I think, really liked it a lot.

[14:33] Spoiler alert.

[14:34] Because it's a goofy, silly movie,

[14:36] and it's got, like, monsters and steampunk and whatever.

[14:38] Yeah, it's got crazy, it's got monsters,

[14:40] and plus crazy anachronisms.

[14:42] They have all these, like, very modern-looking guns

[14:44] that have a bunch of cogs and gears and shit on them

[14:46] because it's steampunk.

[14:47] He has a steampunk wristwatch.

[14:49] Yeah.

[14:49] There's a steampunk record player later on.

Dan McCoy

[14:51] And Jeremy Winner has the sugar disease.

[14:54] The sugar disease, they call it.

[14:54] Where he has to, like, inject himself with medicine.

[14:57] Apparently, they had insulin back in Hansel and Rettel times.

Elliott Kalan

[14:59] I want to believe that they, like, ground up a root

[15:01] or something like that and made a mixture out of it

[15:03] because there's no way they had insulin.

Stuart Wellington

[15:04] My uncle lost his legs for the sugar disease,

[15:06] so I don't find that very funny, guys.

Dan McCoy

[15:09] Sorry, Steve.

[15:10] He just really liked the song, sugar, do-do-do-do-do-do,

[15:14] honey-hundy.

[15:15] What?

[15:16] Honey-hundy, you seeing him a $100 bill?

[15:18] Make fun of him.

[15:19] Make fun of him for saying that weird.

[15:20] Candy Girl is the song.

[15:23] Wait, what?

[15:23] He was so into listening to Candy Girl.

[15:26] By the Archies.

[15:26] Yeah, walking down the street that he didn't notice

[15:29] that he walked out into traffic.

Stuart Wellington

[15:30] Yeah, he danced his little toes off.

Elliott Kalan

[15:32] Anyway, but here's the thing.

[15:34] Toesies.

[15:35] If this movie, if this had been a new idea,

[15:38] I would have said, what a cool movie.

[15:40] But this movie is coming at the end of this long run of, like,

[15:44] everything's an action movie now, everyone does steampunk stuff.

Dan McCoy

[15:47] Yeah, we reviewed one of them, fucking Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter.

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] Yeah, basically.

[15:50] And, like, if Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter had come out

[15:52] 10 years ago, 15 years ago, oh, what a cool idea.

[15:56] But now everything's mash-em-ups and anachronisms and steampunk

[15:59] and what have you.

[16:00] Ah, these kids with the cogs and everything.

[16:02] Putting the goggles on the hats and all that.

Dan McCoy

[16:05] Now the fucking most, like, I feel like cutting-edge thing you could do

[16:09] would be a totally realistic action movie

[16:11] where, like, everything has human consequences.

[16:16] Without any irony or equality.

[16:17] Like the Expendables.

[16:21] Really human, like the Expendables.

Elliott Kalan

[16:22] Super ironic.

[16:23] But what it made me think about was, and I talked to you guys a little bit

[16:27] about the movie, is how ahead of its time Army of Darkness was.

[16:30] Yeah.

[16:31] That, like, Army of Darkness is this hugely influential movie

[16:34] when you think about it.

[16:35] There's so many movies now that feel patterned after that.

[16:37] Or a movie that was an enormous flop.

[16:39] It was a huge flop.

[16:40] But everyone who saw that as, like, a teenager is making movies now.

[16:44] And so, like, they noticed that Army of Darkness is really good.

[16:48] And this movie added...

Dan McCoy

[16:48] But even that, though, at least that had internal logic where, like,

[16:51] Ash is from the future.

[16:53] So he knows how to make these...

[16:54] So he knows how to make a robot hand.

[16:56] Yeah.

[16:56] Which is crazy.

[16:57] Even future people don't know how to make robot hands, Dave.

[16:59] No, it's a crazy fucking joke.

[17:01] But at least, like, not everyone in the movie is walking around with robot hands

[17:05] and sawed off shotguns.

[17:07] Just one guy.

[17:08] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] But everyone in this movie has guns.

[17:11] Yeah.

[17:11] They don't have robot hands.

[17:12] Including...

[17:13] No, they don't have robot hands.

[17:14] Wait a minute.

[17:14] Only Ash and Lindsay Lohan, and I know who killed me, have robot hands.

[17:17] But everyone has guns in this and, like, revolvers.

[17:20] Like, it's...

[17:21] If only Hansel and Gretel had these machines, maybe it would be one thing.

[17:25] But it seems...

[17:26] But I mean, like, then it's just Van Helsing with his army...

[17:28] With his laboratory of monster-killing machines.

Stuart Wellington

[17:30] With a lot less swinging around on ropes.

Elliott Kalan

[17:32] Yeah, there's a lot less Castlevania in this than Van Helsing.

Stuart Wellington

[17:34] All of us Kate Beckinsale in the clouds.

Elliott Kalan

[17:37] Now, so it's like, there are ideas in here that if they were new, I'd be really impressed by it.

[17:41] But they're not new.

[17:43] And there's nothing in the movie that's as imaginative as, like, the scene in Army of Darkness

[17:47] where he has to fight all the little ashes that come out of that mirror that he breaks.

[17:50] You know, or anything like that.

[17:52] But anyway, back to the plot.

[17:54] That being said, back to the plot.

[17:56] So, the sheriff hires a bunch of goons and says,

[18:00] You find the witches.

[18:01] They go out in the middle of the night.

[18:03] The lead witch, Famke Jansen, shows up and kills all of them except for one guy.

[18:07] Sends that guy back in to deliver a message to the town, which is just that he explodes.

[18:12] And gets blood all over Gemma Adderton, who plays...

[18:15] Or Adderton?

[18:16] However it is.

[18:16] Who plays Gretel.

[18:18] I should have mentioned...

[18:19] Or is it Gemma?

[18:19] That's the other thing.

[18:20] Hansel and Gretel have grown up to be...

[18:21] Whatever it is, it's not a real name.

[18:23] Hansel and Gretel have grown up to be...

[18:24] Jeremy Renner and, yeah, and Gemmer Adderban.

[18:28] Gemmer Arbervan.

[18:29] Gem Arderies.

[18:32] Look, uh...

[18:33] Gemmer to Arber Day.

[18:34] Gem and the...

[18:36] Holograms.

[18:36] And the holograms, yeah.

[18:39] There's a bunch of...

[18:40] They go back and forth a bunch of fighting things.

[18:41] I want to make a Teddy Grahams joke, but I think it's too late.

[18:43] We did the perfect Teddy Grahams joke like a hundred episodes ago.

[18:47] So, listen to that episode.

[18:48] The poitonic idea of a Teddy Grahams joke has already been...

[18:51] So, Teddy Grahams Artifice and Jeremy Renner are...

[18:55] They're hunting witches.

[18:56] They learn that the witches are preparing for a ritual called the Blood Moon,

[19:00] where they have to sacrifice six boys and six girls each ritual.

[19:03] Where they sacrifice Moon Bloodgood.

Dan McCoy

[19:07] Don't worry, dude.

[19:08] It was still funny.

[19:09] Nope.

[19:12] Halfway through that, I was like, what's her fake name?

[19:14] What's her fake bullshit name?

[19:16] Is it Moon Bloodgood or Moon Blood Ring?

[19:18] Oh, that's a funny name.

Elliott Kalan

[19:22] Anyway.

[19:24] But the town gets attacked by Famke Jansen and her witch pals.

[19:28] It seems that...

[19:29] Witch posse.

[19:30] Her witch posse, which...

[19:31] Maybe her daughters?

[19:33] It's like two younger girl witches.

[19:35] And it seems like this right is going to make it so that witches can't be burned.

[19:39] Because that's the only way to make sure they're dead is to burn them.

[19:41] I think she explained it, but I wasn't listening.

[19:43] So there's like...

[19:44] Basically, it's the BS time limit that they have to stop the villain

[19:47] by as the Blood Moon.

[19:49] And the BS thing that they have to stop is that witches will be fireproof, I guess.

[19:53] So it's basically the same thing as if witches had discovered...

[19:55] Like Kirk Cameron?

[19:57] They won't be able to look at internet porn anymore.

[19:58] Okay.

[19:59] Just like in the movie Fireproof.

[20:01] Basically, this movie would have the same level of threat

[20:04] as if the witches discovered asbestos

[20:06] and just made suits out of asbestos.

[20:08] Just walked around in them.

Stuart Wellington

[20:09] Like the guy at the beginning in Lethal Weapon 4?

Elliott Kalan

[20:13] Something like that.

[20:14] Also, the witches have a troll named Edward who helps them out

[20:17] and is played by a person in an old-fashioned animatronic mask suit.

[20:22] I mean, there is some CGI for the action scenes.

[20:26] But for the most part, he's just walking around in that suit

[20:28] looking like...

[20:29] What are they from Fraggle Rock?

[20:31] Those big guys.

[20:32] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:33] Yeah, he looks like a mixture of Hoggle and Ludo from Labyrinth.

Elliott Kalan

[20:36] Yeah, let's call him a Hado.

[20:38] A Hado?

[20:39] He is a Hado.

[20:41] There's a bunch of fighting.

[20:42] Lots of stuff has happened.

[20:44] Gretel goes off in the woods.

[20:46] Hansel gets caught in the woods and lost.

[20:48] He gets hurt.

[20:49] And Mina, the girl they saved in the beginning, saves him.

[20:51] It turns out she's...

[20:53] With her business.

[20:54] She saves him and then has sex with him in a pond.

[20:57] Of course she does.

[20:58] In a surprising nude scene.

[20:59] There's this moment where she starts taking off her dress

[21:02] and the camera cuts away.

[21:03] And we're like, oh, yeah, because it's what?

[21:04] A PG-13 movie?

[21:05] And then it cuts back to her naked.

[21:07] And we're like, wait, what?

[21:09] Hold on.

[21:09] We all look up from our phones.

Stuart Wellington

[21:11] Yeah, I think we all sat up, stood up, started giving each other a lot of eyes.

Dan McCoy

[21:14] We all did the thing that dogs do in movies when they go...

[21:17] Because, I mean, number one, obviously we like naked ladies.

[21:22] But number two, this movie feels...

[21:23] We don't like the bare naked ladies, though.

[21:25] No.

[21:26] Never those.

[21:26] They suck.

[21:27] Stay in Canada.

[21:29] There are exploding heads in this movie, but somehow it still feels super neutered.

[21:34] So the fact that...

[21:35] And especially super nude-ered.

[21:37] When she takes her dress off...

[21:39] When she takes her clothes off, it seems like this came in from a totally different movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:44] Well, I think maybe that says something...

[21:46] A Misty Monday movie.

[21:46] Maybe it says something about...

[21:47] No, it's way too tame for a Misty Monday movie.

[21:50] If it was a Misty Monday movie, there would be ten minutes of poorly simulated lesbian sex.

Dan McCoy

[21:54] Yeah, there would be three of them sort of...

[21:56] On a tarp.

[21:57] On a tarp in the woods.

[21:58] Vaguely stuffing their face, not into the vagina area, but like kind of above maybe a little bit.

[22:04] The thigh belly button area.

[22:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[22:05] So like lesbian sex in Orange is the New Black is what you're saying.

[22:09] I haven't seen that.

[22:10] Yeah.

[22:10] Okay, it's a lot of upper thigh kissing and belly button kissing apparently.

[22:13] Yeah, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] On tarps?

[22:15] Yeah, probably.

[22:17] Because here's the thing about...

Dan McCoy

[22:18] The belly button is the vagina of the stomach.

Elliott Kalan

[22:20] Yeah.

[22:22] It's weird.

[22:24] You know, they say that the most underutilized erogenous zone is the belly button.

[22:28] Not true.

[22:30] What were you going to say?

[22:31] I was going to say something about the types of movies that Misty Monday is in, but we don't need to get into that.

[22:38] All right.

[22:39] Suffice to say, there's a certain type of low-budget lesbian softcore porn movie where no matter...

[22:43] Yeah, Google it when you're not at work.

[22:44] No matter what the plot is, it will end with every female character from the movie in one orgy on a tarp in the woods.

Dan McCoy

[22:50] Whether they're on a different planet.

[22:52] Whether they're supposed to be...

Elliott Kalan

[22:54] It could be Middle Earth.

[22:56] Ancient Rome.

[22:57] They're going to find a tarp somewhere.

[22:59] Because otherwise it's gross.

[23:02] Sex tarps are a big industry across the board.

[23:04] Yeah.

[23:05] Throughout history.

[23:06] I'm sure they had them in a Hansel and Gretel witch hunter killers.

[23:09] Along with their steampunk guns, they had a steampunk tarp.

[23:12] They could have their steampunk lesbian orgy on with steampunk Misty Monday.

[23:16] Goggles, probably.

[23:17] Everyone's wearing a hat with goggles glued on them.

[23:19] And guns with fucking gears on the sides for no reason.

[23:23] Oh, steampunk makes me so mad.

Dan McCoy

[23:25] It's a lot of scissoring with cogs involved.

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] A lot of hats with exhaust pipes on them for the Lord knows what reason.

[23:32] Anyway.

[23:34] Anyway, Gretel is in the woods.

[23:36] Welcome, Parade Magazine readers.

[23:39] Gretel is ambushed by the sheriff's men.

[23:43] Well, I was going to say, maybe it says something about the double standard in the country that like...

[23:48] This is a movie where people's heads explode a lot.

[23:51] There's a lot of smashed heads, exploded heads.

[23:53] People's viscera bursting out of their bodies.

[23:56] But that didn't seem crazy to us.

[23:57] But when the woman showed her butt, it was like, whoa!

[24:01] This is extreme!

[24:02] What kind of movie is this?

[24:03] Yeah.

[24:04] And maybe that says something about our society and how sick it is that the lovely human form,

[24:07] so natural, is considered too dangerous.

[24:11] What we can see guys' heads get crushed and turned into raspberry jam.

Dan McCoy

[24:14] Maybe the real monsters are you.

[24:16] The listener?

[24:17] Why don't you call the listeners monsters?

Elliott Kalan

[24:21] What's weird is he then, he held up a mirror in front of our faces.

[24:25] It's like a Time Magazine cover.

[24:27] You want to see, hey, take a look at the real most dangerous animal on the planet.

[24:30] And then he held a mirror up to us.

[24:32] What, like tigers or sharks?

[24:33] No.

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] Tiger sharks.

[24:35] Oh, okay.

[24:36] That's an actual animal.

[24:37] It is an actual animal.

[24:38] It's not a Sharknado type thing.

Dan McCoy

[24:39] I'm surprised your minds weren't blown by that, by the way.

[24:43] Your minds seem intact.

Elliott Kalan

[24:45] Yeah, very much so.

[24:45] Yeah, I mean, we're doing a podcast, dude.

[24:47] We're pretty professional.

[24:48] There's some light wear and tear on my mind.

[24:50] All right.

[24:50] But blown, hardly.

[24:52] So Gretel gets attacked by the sheriff's men, fairly brutally for a movie like this,

[24:56] but she's saved by Edward the Troll, the witch's sidekick slash helper,

[25:00] who bursts everyone's head with his fists.

[25:04] It's not even like an A-team type thing where he punches a bad guy and the bad guy goes like,

[25:09] whoo, whoo, and falls down.

[25:10] Their heads are splattered.

[25:12] They are all dead.

[25:14] It turns out that there's a whole lot of mishigas back and forth.

Stuart Wellington

[25:18] Who knows what.

[25:19] I think the troll heals her face with some weird white smear he gets from the stream.

Elliott Kalan

[25:26] Yeah, he uses some folk troll magic medicine.

[25:29] And at the same time, Hansel learns that the girl he had sex with and saved is,

[25:35] I guess it's a little later, is a white witch, which is a good thing.

[25:38] Like Linda.

[25:39] And it is revealed to us by Famke Jansen, the villain,

[25:42] that the reason Hansel and Gretel were sent into the woods.

[25:46] Now, in the original story, I think it's that their father remarries and their stepmother hates them.

[25:51] Right?

[25:51] Yeah.

[25:51] Simple.

[25:52] But no.

[25:53] This has got to be related to some stupid fucking prophecy or whatever that,

[25:56] I apologize for my language, but I hate movies with prophecies in them.

[25:59] Except for the prophecy.

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] What about Star Wars The Phantom Menace?

[26:04] Yes.

[26:05] I hate it.

[26:05] You love that one.

[26:06] Nope.

[26:06] Okay.

[26:07] What about Watto and Boss Nass?

[26:09] I love them.

Elliott Kalan

[26:10] Sebulba, best character ever, but still.

[26:15] Earlier, we've learned that witch magic does not affect Hansel and Gretel.

[26:19] Witch magic?

[26:21] The magic from witches.

[26:22] Okay.

[26:24] Werewolf?

[26:24] Their wolf.

[26:26] Bear castle.

[26:27] Why are you talking that way?

[26:29] Yeah.

[26:30] Copyright Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder.

[26:32] So, we learned that witch magic doesn't affect them.

[26:35] It's because their father, their mother, it turns out, was a white witch.

[26:40] A good witch.

[26:41] Like Linda, but without the pink bubblegum bubble that she flies around in.

[26:44] And the bad witches need the heart of a good witch to do the blood moon ritual.

[26:50] And they were going to go attack the good witch and take her heart.

[26:55] And so, the father took their kids out into the forest because Gretel, by blood, is also a white witch.

[27:03] And so, the bad guys, after killing their parents, all those years ago, are now going to kidnap Gretel and use her heart for the blood moon ritual so they're no longer vulnerable to fire.

[27:16] It's the quest for fireproofing.

Stuart Wellington

[27:22] Get to the end where all the fucking witches get exploded by the Gatling guns.

[27:26] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[27:26] Well, basically, Hansel goes back.

[27:29] He and the good witch and the nerdy guy loves them.

[27:33] He has a wagon full of weapons.

[27:36] She goes, I'll make a potion that will make it so that weapons hurt witches.

[27:39] And he goes, like, weapons like these?

[27:41] And pulls a blanket off of, like, this huge assortment of weapons.

[27:44] There's grenades.

[27:45] There's a big Gatling gun that apparently weighs an ounce.

[27:47] Since he literally just picks it up and casually puts it over his shoulder.

[27:51] There's all these, there's, I, I, they must have another double crossbow like Gretel uses.

[27:56] She uses a double crossbow which shoots multiple crossbow bolts and also can turn to shoot in different directions.

[28:02] It's also.

[28:03] Way to ruin the best moment of the movie, Elliot.

[28:06] Anyway, they gotta go save Gretel.

[28:09] And so, Gretel.

[28:10] So, a shitload of witches show up.

[28:12] It's like the Mos Eisley Cantina of witches.

[28:14] It is like the Witch Eisley Cantina.

[28:16] It's like Jabba's Witch Palace.

[28:18] Witchcon.

[28:19] Witchcon 97.

Dan McCoy

[28:20] Wait, Witchcon?

[28:22] Dragoncon.

[28:23] Perfect.

[28:24] So, anyway, there's a Witch Battle Royale.

Elliott Kalan

[28:27] There's a whole Witchcon and they're gonna take, the Blood Moon comes up.

Stuart Wellington

[28:30] It's like a regular season of the witch.

[28:32] Copyright Nicolas Cage, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[28:34] No.

[28:36] I mean.

[28:37] Copyright Ron Perlman, then.

[28:38] It's a regular Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] Copyright Angela Lansbury.

Elliott Kalan

[28:43] Really?

[28:44] She wrote that?

[28:44] Yep.

[28:45] And owns the rights?

[28:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:47] Murderer she wrote.

[28:48] Murderer she wrote that?

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Girls doing it for themselves.

Stuart Wellington

[28:53] Yeah, witches are doing it for themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[28:54] Witches are doing it for themselves.

[28:56] What are they doing?

[28:57] The Blood Moon ritual.

[28:58] So, they all show up.

[28:59] There's a witch with a huge goiter.

[29:01] There's an old lady witch.

[29:02] There's a witch with no legs.

[29:03] There's a Siamese twin witch.

[29:04] Siamese twin.

[29:05] It feels like a lot of the character design work went into this scene.

[29:08] Oh, wow.

[29:09] I don't want to offend any witches out there.

[29:10] Those witches may have been from Siam.

[29:12] We don't know that.

[29:12] Yeah.

[29:13] It was called Siam back then.

[29:14] Anyway, based on the movie I Am Sam, starring Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning.

[29:21] Now...

[29:21] I Am Siam.

Dan McCoy

[29:22] Where Penn and Fanning were conjoined together.

[29:27] No.

[29:27] Siam is a country.

[29:28] And then the legal system tried to pry them apart.

[29:33] It is not...

[29:33] And then they were sewn back together at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[29:35] Look, Siam is not an entire nation of conjoined twins.

[29:38] Have you ever seen The King and I?

Dan McCoy

[29:40] Anne and the King of Siam, you mean?

Elliott Kalan

[29:42] Yes.

[29:42] Same thing.

[29:43] No.

[29:43] I've never seen it.

[29:44] Oh!

[29:45] Anyway, so...

[29:46] So there's a whole witch coven, if you will.

[29:50] It's...

[29:50] Look, it's...

[29:51] It's pronounced coven.

[29:52] Let's just call it what it is.

[29:53] It's a poor man's Walpurgisnacht.

[29:56] Coven.

[29:56] The witch's Sabbath, or Walpurgisnacht, however you pronounce it.

[29:59] Anyway, so they're there.

[30:01] Hansel comes out.

[30:02] He says, hey, give me one reason I'm not...

[30:05] Get witch to it.

[30:06] I knew you were going to make a joke about that.

[30:07] Sorry.

[30:07] Hansel comes out, and he's like, hey, I'm going to shoot all you if you don't let Gretel

[30:11] go.

[30:11] And they...

[30:12] They...

[30:13] One goes to attack him, and he blows her head up with his new magic gun.

[30:17] And then the good witch pulls out a Gatling gun from the rock balcony above the staging

[30:23] area, and just shoots up a ton of witches, luckily avoiding shooting the leader bad witch.

[30:29] Because why would you kill her first?

[30:30] She's only the boss of the whole thing.

[30:32] Yeah, you gotta save her for the final boss battle.

[30:34] They kill a bunch of witches.

[30:36] Edward the Troll saves Gretel at the last minute from the bad witch.

Stuart Wellington

[30:40] I think this is the best moment of the movie.

[30:43] This is the...

Elliott Kalan

[30:44] More than the girl taking her dress off.

Stuart Wellington

[30:46] The second best moment of the movie, where there's like a bunch of witches exploding.

Dan McCoy

[30:50] Yeah, a bunch of crazy different looking witches.

[30:53] It's action-y.

[30:54] Their heads...

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] Yeah, it's a...

[30:55] Stuff's happening.

[30:56] It's a real fast-paced action scene.

[30:58] There's almost no fakey kung fu.

[31:00] Just a lot of gunshots to witches' heads and bellies.

[31:02] A couple of crossbones splitting in half and shooting two different witches.

[31:04] They're flying around on brooms.

[31:06] Yeah.

[31:07] So, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[31:08] Do you like the idea of watching women get shot off of brooms with magical guns?

[31:12] Oh, and who wouldn't?

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] And who wouldn't want to?

[31:14] They're not even brooms.

[31:15] They're just tree branches.

[31:17] They just fly on branches.

[31:18] That's true.

[31:19] You couldn't sweep anything with those things.

[31:21] Anyway...

[31:21] You could try, probably.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] Come on, Elliot.

[31:23] Keep trying to finish this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[31:25] There's a bunch of fighting.

[31:27] Edward the Troll is hurt.

[31:28] And Gretel uses a...

[31:29] No, because he's revived!

[31:30] Gretel uses a stun gun that we saw them use earlier as a defibrillator.

[31:33] Yeah, a wind-up stun gun.

[31:36] And with a few pulls of the ripcord, manages to generate enough electricity to restart a troll's heart.

[31:42] The heart must be the size of a basketball.

[31:46] But, hey, manages to do it.

[31:48] And you'd think the movie's over, right?

[31:50] No.

[31:51] Because the witch...

[31:51] Yeah, when the troll wakes up.

[31:53] That's the end of the fucking movie.

[31:54] You know, the old saying, it's not over until the troll wakes up.

[31:58] No, because the lead witch, Famke Jampin, leads them on a merry chase back to...

[32:03] Bum, bum, bum.

[32:04] The Candy House.

[32:06] Earlier, Hansel and Gretel stumbled on their old house when they were kids, and that's where

[32:09] Hamke is a different house, right?

[32:10] But this is the Candy House.

[32:11] There is a very long brawl between Hansel and Gretel and the witch.

[32:15] In a very small room.

[32:17] Now, here's a movie...

[32:18] This is a witch in a very small room.

[32:20] This is a witch...

[32:21] A lot of knocking people on the head with...

[32:23] Let's just say it.

[32:24] Magic powers.

[32:24] She has a wand that she's used to make other people shoot themselves in the head earlier

[32:28] in the movie.

[32:29] Yeah.

[32:29] She has magic powers of all kinds.

[32:31] So why does she deign to have kind of a barroom brawl fist fight with Hansel and Gretel?

Dan McCoy

[32:36] Yeah, it comes down to the witch being hit in the head a lot of times with a shovel.

Elliott Kalan

[32:39] Oh, yeah.

[32:40] And, uh-oh, Hansel is choking her to death with a chain.

[32:43] And then he has...

[32:45] That's what I like in my heroes.

[32:46] And then his old...

[32:47] Chain choking skills.

[32:48] His steampunk wristwatch sends off its alarm.

[32:51] Oh, no.

[32:51] He's going into insulin shock from the sugar sickness.

[32:54] Immediately.

[32:54] He's about to die.

[32:55] Luckily, Gretel injects him with insulin and he immediately goes from dying to just fine,

[33:01] ready to hit that witch with a shovel a couple more times.

[33:03] And they cut her head off with a shovel.

[33:06] Uh...

[33:06] The...

[33:07] Which was great.

[33:08] Sure.

[33:09] And then, okay, end of the movie, right?

[33:12] No.

[33:12] Because now Hansel and Gretel have formed a team with Ed the Troll and with the nerdy

[33:17] guy who was their, like, biggest fan.

[33:19] And you see them walk off into a desert and it's like, witches, beware.

[33:22] We're coming for you.

[33:24] Bump, bump, bump.

[33:24] The end, right?

[33:25] No.

[33:26] Because they walk up to, like, a desert castle where there's a witch inside and we watch

[33:30] them kill another witch.

[33:31] It's the movie that couldn't stop ending.

[33:33] It cuts to black and then...

[33:35] It starts again.

[33:36] Like...

[33:37] And this is a movie that's 88 minutes long.

[33:38] It's the movie that, like...

[33:41] I don't...

Stuart Wellington

[33:42] I'm assuming it's going to turn into, like, a Sliders-style sci-fi hour-long drama.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] It feels like...

[33:48] Well, here's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[33:48] Although they would totally murder their cast of Sliders, who are probably witches, right?

Elliott Kalan

[33:52] I have to assume, how else do they slide?

[33:54] Yeah.

[33:55] Now...

[33:55] Oh, wait, no.

[33:56] Sliders is about the guys who make tiny hamburgers, right?

[33:58] Where it's like, oh, I had, like, eight of these and I'm still not really satisfied.

[34:01] Yeah, I'm going to restate.

[34:01] Just eat them all, yeah.

[34:03] So, the ending of this movie is like being on a phone conversation.

[34:06] Conversation with my mom, where every ten minutes she goes, well, I should let you go.

[34:11] Oh, there was one other thing I was going to tell you.

[34:13] We're trying to say goodbye to you.

Dan McCoy

[34:14] It's been...

[34:15] It's been passed down to the Caelan Jean.

Elliott Kalan

[34:17] It runs in my family that I can't...

[34:19] I do long goodbyes.

[34:20] Much like the film The Long Goodbye, based on the novel.

[34:23] Starring Elliot Caelan.

[34:24] Starring R.

[34:25] Rated R.

[34:26] Is playing at...

[34:27] Nowhere.

[34:29] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[34:30] Hold on.

[34:31] You're dead.

[34:32] You're dead, Elliot.

[34:32] What?

Elliott Kalan

[34:33] All this time I've been a ghost.

[34:35] A g-g-g-ghost.

Stuart Wellington

[34:37] Thanks for making...

[34:38] Keeping it real and reminding us that Elliot takes a long time to say goodbye, Dan.

[34:42] Now.

[34:43] So, anyway.

[34:44] Let's get back to this podcast.

[34:44] Okay, everybody's thinking it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] Nobody's saying it.

[34:46] Here's the thing about this movie.

[34:48] This movie does feel like a one-hour sci-fi show.

[34:50] If this movie was a sci-fi channel original movie, I would have been like, that was a really

[34:54] good sci-fi channel original movie.

Stuart Wellington

[34:57] So much better than Wyvern, or Two-Edded Shark Attack, I don't know if that's...

[35:01] Or what?

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] Manticore versus Monster Box?

[35:04] I don't know what they do.

[35:06] Chupacabra goes to camp, whatever.

[35:07] It's a very Bigfoot Christmas.

[35:11] Like Aliens versus Toadstools, whatever they do on sci-fi channel.

[35:18] Whatever.

[35:19] You know, Basilisk meets Super Mario Brothers?

[35:23] Slightly larger than normal monkey.

[35:27] Versus Manhole.

[35:29] Yeah.

[35:29] What is it like?

[35:31] Rottweiler attacks Plunger?

[35:34] I don't know how sci-fi channel comes up with all these great ideas.

[35:38] Yeah.

[35:39] Or like, you know, like Hercules versus Sinbad in the Age of the Pharaohs.

Stuart Wellington

[35:48] Okay, so all those ideas are copyrighted by Caleb.

Elliott Kalan

[35:51] Toddlers V spiders?

[35:53] That's a legal case.

[35:55] That's why I said V.

[35:56] The toddlers sue the spiders.

[35:59] For copyright infringement.

Stuart Wellington

[36:00] Courtroom drama, USA characters.

[36:02] One of the lawyers is a griffin.

Elliott Kalan

[36:05] Oh, okay.

[36:06] So it's sci-fi.

[36:06] And the other lawyer is an Esquimax.

[36:10] Okay.

[36:13] So something about a person's on the sci-fi channel would have been good.

[36:16] This feels like, if this was a sci-fi channel original movie, I would have said it was snappy.

[36:20] Like, there was a lot of fakey computer effects, but they did them in a silly way.

[36:25] They did good enough for a sci-fi channel.

[36:27] Good enough.

[36:27] This is good enough for a sci-fi channel original movie.

[36:29] For a feature film, not exactly.

[36:32] I will say, like, again, if this had been an original idea, and we hadn't seen this stuff over and over again in the past eight years or so, I would have been like, that was a really imaginative, like, fun movie.

[36:44] But instead, it feels very derivative.

Stuart Wellington

[36:46] It feels like we're watching somebody's D&D adventure.

Dan McCoy

[36:49] Yeah.

[36:50] So I'm going to say that we are already in The Final Judgments.

[36:54] Huh?

[36:54] We've got to move along.

[36:55] But do we...

[36:55] And I'll say that that is a bad, bad movie from you.

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] Because I kind of...

[37:01] There was stuff I really enjoyed in it.

[37:03] Yeah, it's tough.

[37:03] I would say...

[37:04] You know what?

[37:04] I would say begrudgingly that it's a movie I kind of liked, but it's a qualified kind of liked.

[37:09] Because it's...

[37:10] If this...

[37:11] If I was in the vacuum of space...

[37:14] All right.

[37:14] Okay.

[37:15] I had no knowledge of anything in movies or anything ever in anything.

[37:19] You're like an Encino man.

[37:21] Exactly.

[37:21] I'm a Tabula Rasa, whereas it's also known an Encino man.

[37:24] And let's say, as the Greeks would say it, an Encino man.

Dan McCoy

[37:27] You're a Brendan Fraser Rasa.

Elliott Kalan

[37:29] Yeah, I'm exactly.

[37:30] I'm a Rasta Brendan Fraser, smoking pot, worshipping Haile Selassie.

[37:35] Yeah.

[37:35] You know, been in Babylon too long, time to get back to the home country.

[37:41] Zion is waiting for me, Brendan Fraser.

[37:44] You know, listening to my Bob Marley albums.

[37:46] All right.

[37:47] Brendan Fraser, again, Rasta Brendan Fraser.

[37:49] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[37:50] Thanks.

[37:51] Thank you for restating the premise.

Elliott Kalan

[37:53] If I was coming at this totally new, I think I would have liked it a lot.

[37:58] If I was like a 12-year-old watching this now, and I was not aware of something like Army of Darkness, I think I'd really like it a lot.

Stuart Wellington

[38:06] It's like just...

[38:07] You probably would have been mad that you weren't watching Pacific Rim, but yeah.

[38:10] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] But it's like, it moves really fast.

[38:13] It's short.

[38:14] It's got...

[38:15] I mean, I shouldn't have started with those, but it's got plenty of bloody scenes.

[38:18] The characters are charismatic, at least.

[38:21] You know, like the actors in it are fun to watch.

[38:24] It's like a half-baked secondhand idea, but it's not...

[38:28] I wasn't bored or in pain.

[38:30] It's not like Marmaduke, where I wanted to take a spike and just shove it through my ears.

[38:35] Yeah.

[38:36] I wanted to pull a Sam Neill in Event Horizon and just pull my eyes out and kill Lawrence Fishburne.

Dan McCoy

[38:40] Yeah, what I want to say about this movie is it has a lot of things I like.

[38:44] It has Jeremy Renner.

[38:47] It has Peter Stormare.

[38:49] It has Famke Jansen.

Elliott Kalan

[38:50] I like that Gammer Applebee, too.

Dan McCoy

[38:52] Yeah, Jim and the Holograms is a very attractive lady.

[38:56] I like the Troll Man.

Elliott Kalan

[38:57] You love the Troll Man.

[38:58] Every time the Troll Man was on screen, Stuart would go,

[39:00] Yes!

Dan McCoy

[39:01] There's a naked lady.

Elliott Kalan

[39:03] I like you keep comparing him to Snake Man from Joan X.

[39:06] Yeah, Snake Man, Michael Rooker.

[39:08] Snake Man wasn't even a character.

[39:09] He was just in one scene as a monster.

Dan McCoy

[39:12] There's some action scenes that are derivative of Sam Raimi.

[39:15] The whole movie is derivative of Sam Raimi.

[39:17] It is a very marginal movie I kind of liked.

[39:21] There's some very bad stuff in it.

[39:24] There's some boring derivative stuff, but at the same time,

[39:27] it moves so quickly and has so many elements that I kind of enjoy.

Elliott Kalan

[39:32] Yeah, and I was even able to overcome my hatred of steampunk weaponry

[39:35] in medieval settings.

[39:38] Yeah, I mean, it's not...

[39:39] Although there was a little too much of that.

[39:40] It's like they had a collapsible folding gun that, like, nobody has that.

Stuart Wellington

[39:44] Yeah, that they showed in detail in the credits sequence.

[39:47] It was Punisher's Armory sort of thing, right?

Elliott Kalan

[39:48] In the closing ending credits, it's just CGI close-ups of the different weapons.

Stuart Wellington

[39:54] Yeah, like you're selecting which weapon you're going to use in an Xbox game or something.

[39:57] Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[39:58] No, yeah, you're right.

[39:59] It's not a good-bad movie because it's not, like, so bad it's fun.

[40:05] It's not really that good, but it's better than some...

[40:10] So maybe I'm just biased because we saw so many terrible things.

Elliott Kalan

[40:13] Yeah, I think it's better than a lot of the crap that we've watched.

Dan McCoy

[40:16] Yeah, it may have some advantage from coming right after Marmaduke, but...

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] Yeah, but I would say, let's say it comes up on TV or you see it on Netflix streaming.

[40:26] Mm-hmm.

[40:27] Just watch Army of Darkness.

Stuart Wellington

[40:28] Yeah.

[40:29] You know, like, if you have...

[40:30] It's funny, though.

[40:30] You brought up the Army of Darkness thing, though, but, like, these directors saw it when they

[40:34] were kids and they're trying to emulate it, but it was such a huge flop.

[40:38] Like, they're not improving on the Army of Darkness.

[40:41] Like, it's not like the world is ready for Army of Darkness now.

[40:44] Like, if it came out in theaters now, it wouldn't do well.

Elliott Kalan

[40:46] I don't know that because apparently a lot of these types of movies are doing well enough.

[40:51] I mean, like, according to Wikipedia, this movie was not...

[40:54] This movie made, you know, like, 200-something million dollars worldwide, you know, which

[40:58] is...

[40:59] Okay, so...

[40:59] For a movie this size, it's really good.

[41:01] Hansel and Gretel 2?

[41:02] What's it gonna be?

[41:03] More witches?

[41:05] It's gonna be vampires, but the vampires are just basically witches.

[41:09] Okay.

[41:09] It's gonna be called...

[41:10] It's gonna be called Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunter Vampire Hunters.

[41:15] They hunt vampire hunters who are witches.

[41:17] It turns out there's a war between the vampires and the witches.

[41:21] Okay.

[41:21] The vampires are out hunting...

[41:23] The witches are out hunting vampires, but Hansel and Gretel are hunting the witch.

[41:27] Now, did that mean they team up with the vampires?

[41:29] Because vampires are still pretty bad, but maybe they can find common cause?

[41:34] That sets it up.

[41:35] Wait, what's going on?

[41:36] But then it ends on it to be continued.

[41:38] And then you get Hansel and Gretel and aliens.

[41:42] Now, that's...

[41:43] Okay, now I'm listening.

[41:44] Aliens have landed in medieval times.

[41:46] Maybe that's where they got all their weaponry from.

[41:48] An alien spaceship they found.

[41:49] Look, Iron Man 3 didn't use the Mandarin finding that spaceship with the magic rings in it.

[41:53] Hansel and Gretel, steal that shit.

[41:55] Just use it in your movie.

Stuart Wellington

[41:56] I mean, they shot the scene.

Elliott Kalan

[41:58] What, where he finds the spaceship?

[41:59] Yeah, right?

[42:00] I don't think they did.

[42:01] Oh, they didn't?

[42:02] No, it's not in the movie.

[42:03] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[42:05] Well, I thought they shot it anyway, because that's what the character does in the comics, right?

Elliott Kalan

[42:08] No, no, they don't shoot everything in the comics and then decide they don't want to do it.

[42:10] All right, well, I don't want to cut off this rich vein.

[42:12] Anyway, Hansel and Gretel.

[42:13] In a discussion.

[42:14] Hey, hey, hey.

[42:15] Just don't make fun of our stupid rant as being a rich vein.

[42:17] That sets it up for number four.

[42:20] Hansel and Gretel versus Hansel and Gretel.

[42:22] They go to fall through a portal to an alternate world.

[42:24] A porthole.

[42:25] Where everybody is witches and humans are evil.

Dan McCoy

[42:30] I'm not trying to cut it short because I'm a dick.

[42:32] I'm trying to cut it short.

Elliott Kalan

[42:33] You didn't even let me get to Hansel and Gretel 5 in the time of the dinosaurs.

Dan McCoy

[42:36] I'm trying to cut it short because there's letters.

Elliott Kalan

[42:38] There's no porthole, though.

[42:39] We've talked much longer than we normally do.

Stuart Wellington

[42:42] Because this is far in the future where there's dinosaurs.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] No, it's in the past, but they're dinosaur witches.

[42:46] They're dinosaur space cowboys.

[42:48] Yes, who are witches.

[42:49] No, I'm super loud.

Dan McCoy

[42:50] I'm trying to keep us on track because there are letters we just want to get to.

[42:54] All right.

[42:56] Wait, what do the letters arrive in?

[42:59] A mailbag?

[43:00] The Flophouse movie mailbag?

Elliott Kalan

[43:02] A movie mailbag.

[43:04] A bag for mail.

[43:06] Mail about movies for us?

[43:08] Us?

[43:09] A mailbag of movies.

[43:10] A movie mailbag.

[43:12] The Flophouse movie mailbag.

[43:14] That we're right behind.

[43:15] But what did it look like?

[43:16] A burlap sack or a plastic thing?

[43:19] Perhaps with a drawstring.

[43:21] What does this mailbag look like?

[43:23] A trick-or-treat bag?

[43:25] He said mailbag.

[43:26] He did.

[43:27] Look, when you're making up a song as you go along, it's a little hard to keep the words straight.

Dan McCoy

[43:31] All right.

[43:32] All right.

[43:33] So this first letter is titled...

Elliott Kalan

[43:34] The first letter is titled...

Dan McCoy

[43:40] To the original Peaches and the original Big Apple.

[43:44] I was listening...

[43:44] Another Big Apple?

Stuart Wellington

[43:46] Take that, Small Apples.

Dan McCoy

[43:47] I was listening to the Seeking Justice...

[43:49] Like Manhattan, Kansas, the other one?

[43:50] I was listening to the Seeking Justice episode to celebrate Quarter Cagemas.

[43:54] In it, you described a scene where Nicolas Cage is given ridiculous instructions at a monster truck rally.

[43:59] Yep.

[44:00] None of you can remember the name of the stadium, and that is the Superdome, one of the most famous stadiums on Earth.

[44:07] Famous indeed.

[44:09] Again...

[44:10] That's quite famous.

[44:11] Again, I would not like to become Elliot's new brother unless he would give me an Emmy for Christmas slash Hanukkah,

[44:18] but this is a fairly major lapse in sports-related judgment.

[44:21] Why are we celebrating both?

[44:22] I hope this letter is taken completely seriously.

[44:24] And results in almost no mockery.

[44:27] Sincerely, Brennan, last name unpronounceable.

[44:30] P.S.

[44:31] I was just in New York over the weekend and saw Matilda in previews.

[44:35] It was one of the best things I've ever seen.

[44:37] I know Elliot has talked about loving Jesus Christ Superstar.

[44:40] Yep.

[44:40] So I was wondering if this week's recommendations could be your favorite musicals.

[44:44] So, the fact that he saw Matilda in previews shows how old this...

[44:47] Well, I...

[44:48] Last episode...

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] He means previews the comic book ordering catalog, right?

[44:52] Yep.

[44:52] From Diamond Distributors.

[44:53] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:54] Now, okay...

Dan McCoy

[44:55] You mean sneak previews, the long defunct PBS...

[44:59] I meant that.

[45:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] Now, two things.

[45:01] I did recommend a musical in the last episode.

[45:03] So let's just carry that one over.

[45:05] The musical I recommended was Dames.

[45:07] And the other thing I was going to say was, of course I'm not going to recognize...

[45:11] What was it?

[45:11] The Power Dome?

[45:12] The Technodrome?

[45:13] The Thunder Dome?

[45:14] I don't know what stadiums look like.

[45:16] Which one's the one where Krang hides out in?

[45:18] That's the Technodrome.

[45:19] Okay.

[45:20] Now, look.

[45:20] If it's not the Roman Coliseum or...

[45:24] What?

[45:25] Like Biosphere 2, I'm not going to recognize any domed structures.

[45:28] Yeah.

[45:29] Or the Capitol Building, you know.

Dan McCoy

[45:30] I mean, when it comes to musicals, you know, I like all...

[45:35] You can't go wrong with Singing in the Rain, obviously.

[45:38] Of course you can.

[45:38] It's the best musical ever made.

[45:41] I have a lot of fondness for The Music Man.

[45:44] I think Robert Preston's performance in that is very funny.

[45:47] The Music Man's great.

[45:48] West Side Story is a very nice filmed musical.

[45:52] My Fair Lady has some...

[45:54] You're really going out on a limb.

[45:56] I mean, well, what do you want?

[45:57] He's just listed in every musical he's ever seen.

[45:59] Little Shop of Horrors is a great, more recent musical.

[46:02] That's one.

[46:03] I don't know what you want from me.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] For a musical, I'll recommend the album Traveler by the band Lord Weird Slough Egg.

[46:11] There you go.

[46:12] It's a heavy metal rock opera, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[46:14] Yeah, it is a concept album, basically.

[46:16] It's a story about a space pirate turning into a man-dog.

[46:19] If I was going to recommend another musical, I'd recommend Top Hat.

[46:24] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[46:25] You know what else is good?

[46:28] Diamonds Are Girl's Best Friend.

Elliott Kalan

[46:30] That's not a movie.

[46:31] That's a musical number in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

Dan McCoy

[46:34] Sorry.

[46:34] Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

[46:35] The Howard Hawks film is a lot of fun.

[46:40] It is.

Elliott Kalan

[46:40] It has a great line.

[46:41] I don't want to...

[46:41] I will spoil it, but there's a...

[46:43] My favorite line in that movie is...

[46:44] Marilyn Monroe and...

[46:47] Was it Jane Mansfield?

[46:48] Yeah.

[46:49] Are on a cruise ship.

[46:51] They're looking for rich men to marry.

[46:53] Yeah.

[46:53] And they're sitting on either side of a kid at dinner.

[46:56] There's a cruise ship.

[46:57] You have assigned seats.

[46:59] And he's looking at them and they go,

[47:01] How old are you?

[47:02] And he says,

[47:03] Old enough to appreciate a fine-looking woman.

[47:06] This kid's like eight.

[47:08] Anyway, it's a funny scene.

Dan McCoy

[47:10] I tried to watch recently How to Marry a Millionaire,

[47:12] the other movie where Marilyn Monroe plays an unrepentant gold digger.

[47:16] And it is no Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.

[47:19] Gentlemen Prefer Blondes is a very good movie.

[47:21] And How to Marry a Millionaire is kind of dull.

[47:25] So, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[47:25] And I guess, uh...

[47:27] Anti-recommendation.

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] Consider that a neg-a-dation.

[47:32] That's better than mine.

Dan McCoy

[47:33] The next letter is titled Uncle John's Bathroom Reader.

[47:37] And it starts...

[47:38] My dad's favorite book series.

[47:39] I shudder to think how much longer I would have been unaware of your podcast

[47:43] if Uncle John had taken up a place in my bathroom library.

[47:47] My bath-bury?

[47:49] Thankfully, Entertainment Weekly is my go-to literature.

[47:55] Entertainment Weekly is my go-to literature.

[47:57] And upon seeing a recommendation in the must list,

[47:59] I added your podcast immediately.

[48:01] Yes, I washed my hands first.

[48:03] I mean, it doesn't matter.

[48:04] It's your magazine.

[48:05] I don't care.

[48:05] Watch yourself with it.

[48:06] When she's Tebow Gray's Anatomy or he.

[48:08] Or Top of the Lake.

[48:09] You watched Bates Motel.

[48:10] Come on.

[48:10] Top of the Lake to ya.

[48:13] On to the questions.

[48:13] Where do you say that?

[48:14] What?

[48:15] Where would you say that?

Elliott Kalan

[48:16] Like at a...

[48:16] You know, I don't know.

[48:17] At a lake.

[48:18] Like a fancy dinner?

[48:19] Like if you're at an Irish lake.

[48:19] A fancy lake.

[48:20] A fancy dinner.

[48:22] Yep.

[48:23] Because that's how you greet people at a banquet.

[48:26] There's questions.

[48:27] On to the questions.

[48:28] Well, thanks for listening to the podcast after reading about it,

[48:30] and I apologize for this episode.

[48:31] Number one.

[48:32] We're tired.

Dan McCoy

[48:33] Dan.

[48:34] What drink do you choose to help you get through the movies?

[48:37] I prefer craft beers.

[48:38] Human blood.

[48:38] For beers like Flying Monkey's Smash Bomb.

[48:41] But for B-movies, cheap brews like Pabst Blue Ribbon or Tall Boys of Old Milwaukee.

[48:46] You know what beer ghosts drink?

Elliott Kalan

[48:48] Seem like a better fit.

[48:49] Hey, Dan.

[48:50] Hey, Dan.

[48:50] You know what beer ghosts drink?

[48:51] What?

[48:52] Pabst Blue Ribbon.

[48:53] Pabst Blue Ribbon.

[48:53] Thank you.

[48:55] I read that one in a joke book for kids called 100 Creepy Hipster Jokes.

[49:03] 100 Alcoholic Drinks for Kids.

[49:07] Drinks for Kids.

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] Jokes for Kids.

[49:08] I'm glad they kept it at only 100.

[49:11] Real chat book size.

Elliott Kalan

[49:13] 100 creepy hipster jokes also includes, what was the Wolfman's favorite band?

[49:21] What?

[49:22] Weezer.

[49:25] Hey, take it up with the authors of 100 creepy hipster jokes.

Dan McCoy

[49:28] I don't...

[49:29] It's not that creepy.

Stuart Wellington

[49:30] It involves a monster.

[49:32] All right.

[49:33] So, you can buy it at, what, like H&M or...

[49:36] Yep.

[49:37] It's a Spencer's gift.

[49:38] American Apparel, yeah.

[49:39] It's at the American Apparel book rack.

[49:41] Yep.

[49:41] Right next to, I guess, like a picture book of half-naked teenage girls.

Elliott Kalan

[49:45] Yeah, right next to a magazine made up of creepy pictures of employees of American Apparel.

[49:51] That all look like last known photos.

Dan McCoy

[49:53] So, thank you guys for answering my question.

[49:55] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[49:57] So, he read about us in the bathroom.

Dan McCoy

[49:59] He wants to know what drinks to drink while you're...

[50:02] Yeah, what do you drink?

[50:03] What do you drink, Dan?

[50:04] Look, I like...

[50:06] You do?

[50:07] I like a...

[50:08] Spaghetti sauce?

[50:10] Just out of a mug?

[50:11] Sure.

[50:12] I like a pale ale, an India pale ale.

[50:16] I'm quite fond.

[50:17] I think my favorite might be Green Flash.

[50:20] Now, I will say that I think that the Hop Head craze has gone too far.

[50:25] You're putting your foot down?

[50:26] Yeah.

[50:27] Some beers have gotten too syrupy and strong.

[50:32] For a nice refreshing beer.

[50:35] Thanks to Stuart Wellington being a bartender at a nice German beer garden.

[50:41] I've come to be quite fond of...

[50:42] You're welcome.

[50:43] ...Einbecker Pilsner.

[50:44] Yeah.

[50:44] A nice light beer for the summer.

[50:46] Well, this has been the Ale House.

[50:48] No, there's questions for you guys, too.

[50:49] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[50:50] Number two.

[50:51] But they better not be about movies.

[50:52] Number two.

[50:53] Because you've got to talk about beer.

[50:53] Mine better be about dinosaurs or something.

[50:55] Elliot.

[50:56] What's your favorite dinosaur?

[50:57] Well, Deinonychus, of course.

Dan McCoy

[50:59] Elliot, if there was one comic book storyline you had to turn into a bad movie, which one

[51:03] would it be?

[51:04] The Punisher meets Archie?

[51:06] That would be a good movie.

[51:07] Yeah.

[51:08] It's a funny comic.

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] Uh, comic book...

[51:11] Uh, but it's gonna...

[51:12] I know it's gonna be a bad movie.

[51:13] A storyline would turn into a bad movie.

[51:15] Hmm.

[51:15] That's a good question.

[51:16] I think, even though it's a good storyline in the comics, I think when Thor got turned

[51:20] into a frog by Loki, it's maybe the jewel in the crown of Walt Simonson's run on Thor,

[51:25] along with the introduction of Bed-A-Ray Bill, the horse-faced alien.

[51:29] But, uh, I think it would make a pretty good bad movie.

[51:31] I don't know that it...

[51:32] I don't think the image of a giant frog wearing Thor's costume would translate to film.

[51:36] Okay.

[51:37] Even though it works very well in comics.

Dan McCoy

[51:38] Fair enough.

[51:39] Uh, number three.

[51:40] Stuart.

[51:41] Okay.

[51:42] I'm part of a B-movie club that regularly screens horrible movies, including Hard Ticket

[51:46] to Hawaii, Time Barbarian, Jack Frost 2 Revenge of the Mutant Killer, Snowman, Hard Rock Zombies,

[51:52] and about four dozen more titles.

[51:54] I wanted to get your recommendations on which movies to screen other than Invisible Maniac,

[51:59] Castle Freak, and Head of the Family.

Stuart Wellington

[52:01] Okay, so...

[52:03] It's like taking Picasso's paints away from him.

[52:07] Uh, wait, can I say Invisible Maniac?

[52:11] No, yeah.

[52:12] Okay.

[52:12] It was expressly forbidden.

[52:13] Can I say Night of the Demons?

Dan McCoy

[52:16] You can.

[52:17] Oh, wow, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[52:18] Uh, Night of...

[52:19] Wait.

Dan McCoy

[52:19] Is this a bad movie?

[52:20] I feel like you've sung that movie's praises.

Stuart Wellington

[52:23] Yeah, but I mean, I like it because it's, like, a good bad horror movie.

[52:27] All right.

[52:28] I mean, I'm not gonna, like...

[52:29] You're not gonna...

[52:29] It's not gonna win Oscars.

[52:31] You're not gonna see a Criterion collection of...

[52:33] You never know.

[52:33] ...of Night of the Demons.

Dan McCoy

[52:34] I mean, there is a moment where...

[52:37] Lena Quindley sticks a...

[52:38] Sticks her lipstick into her boob, right?

Stuart Wellington

[52:40] Yeah, and then you get to see her...

[52:42] ...the giant later.

[52:43] Sure.

[52:43] I mean, you know, the...

[52:45] Just say Doll Man vs. Demonic Toys.

[52:47] Yeah, I'll say Doll Man.

[52:49] Sorry, Tim Tombers.

[52:50] All right.

[52:51] Or he's got a gun that explodes people.

Elliott Kalan

[52:53] He's a tiny alien cop.

[52:55] They should have called it Tiny Alien Cop, the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[52:58] Well, no.

[52:59] He's like a doll.

[53:00] That's why they call him Doll Man.

[53:01] He's not a doll.

Dan McCoy

[53:02] He's like a doll.

[53:02] He blows up a bunch of...

[53:03] Everyone likes him.

[53:04] ...stumbags.

[53:05] So that was from Sheldon, last name withheld.

[53:07] I hope that helped you, Sheldon.

[53:08] Did I give him a clear answer?

[53:09] You did.

Stuart Wellington

[53:10] Night of the Demons.

[53:11] Did I say...

[53:12] I didn't say some dinosaur name, right?

[53:13] I said...

[53:14] I said a movie name.

[53:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:16] You said a...

[53:17] Carnosaur.

Stuart Wellington

[53:17] Watch Carnosaur.

Dan McCoy

[53:18] That's about the movie and a dinosaur.

[53:20] So this next letter is from Purr, last name withheld.

[53:24] Purr?

[53:25] P-E-R.

[53:26] I don't know how one would...

Elliott Kalan

[53:27] I thought a cat had written us a letter.

Dan McCoy

[53:29] First of all, I assume Elliot has already sung an intro to the mailbag segment.

Elliott Kalan

[53:33] Well, I tried to, but Dan cut me off.

[53:35] But it reminds me.

[53:37] So this mailbag, are we sure it's a bag?

[53:39] Could it be a mail crate or a box of some kind of mailbox?

[53:43] Running so late on this podcast.

[53:44] A mailbox.

[53:45] Maybe it's a box full of mail.

[53:48] Thank you.

[53:49] Oh, wow.

[53:50] That's a quick ending.

Dan McCoy

[53:51] All right.

[53:51] He says, I'm a flop fan from Sweden who has recently found your podcast via TV Tropes.

[53:57] I have enjoyed it immensely.

[53:59] I didn't know we were mentioned on TV Tropes.

[54:00] And we'll do the best to spread the gospel of the Flophouse here in Sweden.

[54:04] Now for the meat of the letter.

Elliott Kalan

[54:06] Thank you very much for spreading the gospel in Sweden.

Dan McCoy

[54:07] So that was like the bread part of the letter?

[54:09] Yeah, that was the bread.

[54:10] And then I assume that his name at the end of it is the other slice of bread.

Stuart Wellington

[54:13] Or maybe cheese.

[54:15] I don't know what they eat in Sweden.

[54:17] Swedish fish.

Dan McCoy

[54:18] It's an open face sandwich in Sweden.

[54:20] Upside down open face sandwich, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[54:23] Clearly, it's from Sweden.

[54:25] The meat is a meatball.

[54:26] And what we just read was the lingonberry sauce.

[54:28] All right.

Dan McCoy

[54:29] Well, here's the meatball, guys.

[54:32] One of you briefly mentioned the hypothetical possibility of a great bikini off-road adventure

[54:36] video game.

[54:37] Uh-oh.

[54:38] It was, I think, in the Priest episode.

[54:40] This, I feel, would make for an excellent tangent at some point.

[54:42] There are so many questions that need to be answered.

[54:44] If the player, for instance, loses the bikini, will the effects be similar to that of the

[54:49] star in Super Mario World?

[54:50] This and other questions need an answer.

[54:52] I like that.

Elliott Kalan

[54:53] If your top falls off in the game, you're invincible for a little bit.

[54:56] But then, of course, the Indian returns your top as in the great bikini off-road adventure.

[54:59] Willie Tall Salt, yeah.

[55:00] As in the great bikini off-road adventure.

Stuart Wellington

[55:02] Yeah.

[55:03] Is there a mini game where you get to play?

[55:04] No, that's too powerful.

[55:05] You can't be Willie Tall Salt.

[55:06] Willie Tall Salt?

Elliott Kalan

[55:07] No, no.

[55:07] He just shows up and gives you advice on how to play the game.

Stuart Wellington

[55:09] Yeah, that's, being Willie Tall Salt's like being the player in Sim City, where you're

[55:12] constructing the world and seeing the gears that turn it.

[55:16] Well, he's basically a god figure, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[55:18] He's the watcher.

[55:19] No, god sees, god watches even the lowliest sparrow fall and the lowliest bikini top fall off.

Dan McCoy

[55:26] I imagine the cut scenes would just be just like cut scenes of topless ladies.

[55:29] Like, that is what, like, as in bikini movies.

Elliott Kalan

[55:34] To be honest, I don't remember why they're running those bikini tours in the great bikini

[55:39] off-road adventure.

[55:40] Most of the movie is just girls in bikinis.

[55:42] Seems to make a lot of sense to me.

[55:43] You heard the title of the movie, right?

[55:45] Most of the movie is just girls in bikinis leading tours of southwestern locations.

[55:49] Well, guys.

[55:50] And then taking their tops off.

[55:52] Yeah, they're great at it.

Dan McCoy

[55:54] Guys, I'll be honest.

[55:56] I mainly read that last email to lead into this actual letter.

Elliott Kalan

[56:01] Well, by Dan, that's a piece of lined paper in your hand.

Dan McCoy

[56:06] This is, it starts,

[56:08] Dear Dan, this is from Cassandra, last name withheld.

[56:12] I decided to include this handwritten letter because, well, I've always thought there was...

[56:17] I slipped in your locker?

[56:20] Do you like me?

[56:21] Check yes or no.

[56:22] I've always thought there was something nice about receiving letters written by hand.

[56:26] Also, should you choose to read this letter on your show, you can always put it in a bag labeled

[56:31] the Flophouse Movie Mailbag, then take it out of said bag, and for the first time ever, be able to say you're actually reading an actual letter from an actual, albeit homemade, mailbag.

[56:44] Anyway, here it is, your holy grail, a DVD copy of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[56:50] I hope it works and brings you lots of joy and pleasure.

[56:52] That's right.

[56:53] A fan...

[56:54] The best fan ever.

[56:56] Our number one fan now.

[56:57] Yeah, I think that she is, Cassandra is, in fact, our number one fan.

[57:02] Well, you heard it here first, folks.

Stuart Wellington

[57:03] So by making that statement, you know, people are going to throw themselves off of buildings, like when Jackie Chan had a love interest in one of his movies.

[57:09] I don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[57:10] I mean, like, the truth can't be held back.

[57:13] Look, all we can say is, if you want to be the number one fan, you have to do something at the level of, or better than, sending Dan a copy of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure on DVD.

[57:23] Which he currently clutches in his head.

[57:26] It's beautiful!

[57:28] Oh, melting!

[57:29] Don't look at it, Marion!

[57:31] Don't look at it!

[57:31] Keep your eyes closed!

Dan McCoy

[57:33] Yeah, Cassandra, I believe, I remember from previous email exchanges, she came across a VHS copy.

[57:44] And Dan's going to come across it later.

[57:46] I don't even think all the girls on the cover are in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[57:51] Classic VHS maneuver.

Dan McCoy

[57:53] She was nice enough to transfer the movie from VHS to DVD, print out a cover of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure sleeve, and send it to us.

Stuart Wellington

[58:07] So, Elliot, you probably know this, what are the conditions for sainthood?

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] You have to perform two miracles, this counts as one.

[58:14] Okay, this counts as one.

[58:15] This counts as one, certainly, and then I think you have to be canonized by the Catholic Church.

Stuart Wellington

[58:20] That's probably pretty easy.

[58:21] I mean, if you can make, if you can turn a VHS tape into a little circular pizza-shaped disc.

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] Wait, does that count as a second?

[58:28] Circular and pizza-shaped?

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] Well, because pizzas always have a hole in the middle, right?

[58:32] No.

[58:33] But where are you going to see your Johnson?

Elliott Kalan

[58:35] We got your pizzas, too.

[58:37] Oh, man.

[58:37] Let me, allow me the liberty of reading the back of The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[58:41] With business so slow, Duke Abbey almost loses his Jeep tour company to the local mining company for back rent.

[58:47] Use the word company twice in one sentence.

[58:49] With the help of his luscious niece, Lori, and some of her botatious bikini-clad friends, Duke's business makes a U-turn.

[58:55] I don't know why you do a driving pun instead of a boob pun.

[58:58] As they drive the local men wild while showing them some of the hottest sights in the desert, their sweat turns to wet.

[59:04] What?

[59:04] As a broken-down Jeep forces the girls to take their curves down the river, where sunscreen's a must, but bikinis are optional.

[59:13] The girls raise the money while showing the locals that the view's always better with the top down.

[59:18] Starring Lauren Hayes, Meatballs 4, Avalon Anders, Bikini Summer 2, Dan Frank, Turk 182.

[59:24] And it says, sizzling comedy perfect for summer rentals.

[59:27] It's from 1984.

[59:28] From the director of Bikini Car Wash 2, it says.

Dan McCoy

[59:30] Now, I've had this.

[59:31] I've got to say, guys.

[59:32] I've had this in my possession for a couple days.

[59:34] I have not watched it.

[59:36] I feel like we need to watch it.

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] Pop that fucking thing in right now.

[59:39] Yeah, but I don't care what time it is.

[59:40] We're watching all 90 minutes of this.

[59:43] Rated R.

Stuart Wellington

[59:44] Let me just text Elliot's wife.

[59:45] Tell her not to wait up.

[59:46] Tell her exactly why.

Dan McCoy

[59:49] I'm sorry.

[59:50] Elliot is embarking on an adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[59:53] Elliot's embarking on an erotic adventure, unparalleled.

[59:56] I've seen this movie already before.

[59:58] I don't know why I'm acting like I've never seen it before.

[1:00:01] I think I'm the only one of the three.

[1:00:02] Of the three of us, you're the only one who has not seen

[1:00:04] the majesty that it is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:06] Oh my God, it's full of stars, etc.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:09] Did I ever tell you guys the story about, very quickly,

[1:00:12] I did some freelance work once transcribing a lot of interviews

[1:00:16] and behind-the-scenes footage for a thing about the making of Dazed and Confused,

[1:00:21] and the guy who plays Wiley in Dazed and Confused in a then-contemporary interview was talking

[1:00:26] about how he went to, he was working in Hollywood and he started having to work in this production

[1:00:31] house that was really crappy and he's like, and the guy there had this movie he directed

[1:00:35] and he had the poster up on the wall.

[1:00:37] It was so stupid.

[1:00:38] The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure.

[1:00:40] And I mean, it was like, I've seen that movie!

Dan McCoy

[1:00:44] Yeah, you would have been properly starstruck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:47] Yeah, I would have, oh my God, you directed that?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:50] Tell me tales of it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:51] Tell me tales of Willie Tall Salt.

[1:00:55] So how did you make the boobs fall off?

[1:00:57] Was it fishing wire?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:59] First off, don't say anything about boobs falling off.

[1:01:01] That sounds horrible.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:02] I meant the tops fall off, yeah.

[1:01:04] That would be horrible.

[1:01:05] That would be The Great Bikini Leprosy Adventure.

[1:01:09] Not as popular for some reason.

[1:01:10] No, very unpopular.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:13] So, okay.

[1:01:14] Should we do quick recommendations?

[1:01:15] Yeah, very quick recommendations of movies that we've seen that we actually liked,

[1:01:21] even though we all kind of liked Hansel and Gretel, but I think we can do better.

[1:01:24] I think there's definitely better movies than Hansel and Gretel.

[1:01:26] Stuart, what's a movie that you want to recommend?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:28] I'm going to recommend another movie starring Peter Stormare, The Last Stand,

[1:01:35] starring an aging Arnold Schwarzenegger, directed by the director of I Saw the Devil.

[1:01:42] I don't remember his name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:42] And he directed The Good, The Bad, and The Weird, too.

[1:01:45] I wish that the movie posters had said, an aging Arnold Schwarzenegger.

[1:01:50] That would be great.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:51] But no, I mean, they really kind of pitched the movie.

[1:01:54] And it did not do well.

[1:01:55] I believe it was a...

[1:01:56] It was a flop.

[1:01:57] It was a financial flop.

[1:01:58] And I think part of the problem was they really pitched the Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Johnny Knoxville element.

[1:02:04] And I think they kind of played both those guys down.

[1:02:07] It ends up being a pretty good modern-day Western with a lot of great action and gore effects.

[1:02:15] And the bad guy is played by the Spanish actor who played Jacinto in The Devil's Backbone, the bad guy in that movie.

[1:02:22] Oh.

[1:02:22] So, yeah, I recommend...

[1:02:24] A little indie cred.

[1:02:25] If you're looking for, like, a good old-fashioned action movie, I'd recommend it.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:32] I had the pleasure of seeing recently Lawrence of Arabia on the big screen.

[1:02:38] Oh, taking a stand here.

[1:02:40] Yeah, I know.

[1:02:42] Yeah, real controversial stand.

[1:02:44] Lawrence of Arabia equals good.

[1:02:46] But I had only seen it about 20 years ago on, like, a VHS copy, I think, in, like, a school, like, social studies class, where I liked it.

[1:02:57] But, like, obviously that's not the way to see Lawrence of Arabia.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:00] It's not what David Lean intended.

[1:03:01] And I saw a restored...

[1:03:03] He hated social studies.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:04] I saw a restored print of it at BAM here in Brooklyn.

[1:03:08] I think it was a digital print, which I didn't love, but whatever.

[1:03:12] Yeah, wah.

[1:03:13] And it's just a, you know, it's an amazing movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:16] Fantasy world people problems, you know.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:19] Before the intermission, it's kind of an amazing adventure movie.

[1:03:23] Like, you see this...

[1:03:24] Like, it's kind of a Middle Eastern-Western.

[1:03:27] And you see the seeds of, like, adventure movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[1:03:31] And then after the intermission, it's really a portrait of kind of political disillusionment,

[1:03:36] as Lawrence is unable to kind of give Arabia back to the people the way he wants to.

[1:03:45] It's a beautiful movie to see on the big screen.

[1:03:48] Like, you can't really appreciate it seeing it at home, unfortunately.

[1:03:53] So I guess I'm recommending...

[1:03:54] I think you can appreciate it.

[1:03:55] You can appreciate it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:55] It just isn't as full...

[1:03:56] It isn't the same experience.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:58] But I'm recommending, unfortunately, the experience that not everyone...

[1:04:01] ...necessarily can have.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:02] That was on their new screen with, like, the really good sound system.

[1:04:04] Yeah.

[1:04:04] Yeah, the one we saw Only God Forgives at.

[1:04:07] Very similar movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:08] But also, I want to say, like, before I saw...

[1:04:11] I think one is literally a third as long as the other one.

[1:04:13] Before I went to see Lawrence of Arabia, I went out to have drinks celebrating our mutual

[1:04:20] friend Kurt's birthday.

[1:04:23] So I have, like...

[1:04:24] So you're promoting...

[1:04:25] Recommending that?

[1:04:25] No, like...

[1:04:26] Recommending birthdays?

[1:04:27] Have one.

[1:04:28] My point is, like, I ended up having, like, three or four pints of beer before seeing

[1:04:32] this three-hour-and-forty-minute-long movie.

[1:04:35] And I think it's to the movie's credit...

[1:04:37] You're saying you...

[1:04:37] ...that I neither fell asleep nor had to pee at any point other than the intermission.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:41] What you're saying is you wet yourself and you didn't realize it until the movie was

[1:04:44] over.

[1:04:44] Yes.

[1:04:45] I soiled myself.

[1:04:47] But it was worth it for David Lean's vision.

[1:04:48] Yeah.

[1:04:49] Elliot, what do you have to recommend?

[1:04:51] I think...

[1:04:52] Well, I wanted to recommend, like, a fantasy adventure movie that was better than Hansel Gretel,

[1:04:56] but we talked...

[1:04:56] There is none.

[1:04:57] There is none.

[1:04:58] It's the tops.

[1:04:59] We talked about Army of Darkness all year, but I think instead I'll recommend a comedy

[1:05:02] action movie that I liked a lot more, and that would be Shoot'em Up with Clive Owen

[1:05:08] and Monica Bellucci and Paul Giamatti, a movie that felt really fresh to me when it came

[1:05:14] out because it was maybe the goofiest action movie I'd remember seeing.

[1:05:19] It's basically, like, if Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd were in an action movie in a lot

[1:05:24] of ways.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:25] I think it was during a time where a lot of action movies were being grimdark.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:29] Were being super grim and serious, yeah.

[1:05:30] And now action movies are all kind of tongue-in-cheek, and this one manages to be goofy and paradising

[1:05:37] action movie stuff without being so tongue-in-cheek that it becomes irritating.

[1:05:41] And they really took advantage of the concept of a man who can do anything with guns.

[1:05:46] And I enjoy it a lot.

[1:05:47] It's a live-action cartoon, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:50] A Clive-action cartoon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:52] It's a Clive-action cartoon.

[1:05:54] How would Clive Owen describe it?

[1:05:57] What are you trying to hear?

[1:05:58] Like, if he were here right now, what do you think he would say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:01] I don't know what you're...

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:03] Hello, hello, it's me!

[1:06:04] Hello, it's Clive Owen!

[1:06:07] So...

[1:06:08] So that's how he would describe the movie, is just saying, hello, it's me?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:10] Yeah, it's what I'm saying.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:12] He would greet us and then announce who he was.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:15] Look, I cannot control what happens when the spirit enters me.

[1:06:18] When you channel the essence of Clive Owen.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:21] So, three recommendations, totally equal in stature.

[1:06:25] The Last Stand, Shoot'em Up, and Lawrence of Arabia.

[1:06:28] Very similar movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:29] Sorry, Mr. Pretentious Pants.

[1:06:32] That we didn't all recommend David Lean movies.

[1:06:34] Fine, I'll recommend Brief Encounter again.

[1:06:37] There you go, done.

[1:06:38] Mortal Kombat.

[1:06:39] Yeah.

[1:06:39] This Happy Breed.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:41] Sure.

[1:06:43] So, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:45] It's been fun.

[1:06:46] Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death.

[1:06:49] It has been fun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:50] Yeah, so...

[1:06:51] We just wrap this up and put it in the movie?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:54] Yeah, we wrap it up and we take an adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:56] We take an off-road adventure.

[1:06:58] A bikini off-road adventure.

[1:07:00] Nay, a great bikini off-road adventure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:03] I wish...

[1:07:03] Hey, guys.

[1:07:04] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:05] I wish this could have been reviewed in theaters.

[1:07:08] So that some snooty reviewer could have said,

[1:07:10] Great bikini off-road adventure.

[1:07:12] It is hardly a passable bikini off-road adventure.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:17] Stuart Wellington has already said his name.

[1:07:19] So I will say that I am Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:21] And I think I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:07:24] Probably.

[1:07:25] Good night, everyone.

[1:07:26] I mean, I look like him.

[1:07:27] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:28] So bikini's...

[1:07:29] You sound like him.

[1:07:30] Irritating.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:32] Hey, wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:37] Jeff Smith, who, from his comic books, I'm assuming, is the most masculine dude in the world.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:44] Kind of a teddy bear?

[1:07:45] I don't know.

[1:07:46] You read Rassel?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:07:47] That is a oddly shaped human being.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:49] You got some nude ladies in there?

[1:07:52] With their enormous heads and tiny bodies?

[1:07:54] Yep.

[1:07:55] Because he's still basically a cartoonist at heart.

[1:07:57] Yeah.

[1:07:57] It's like Walt Kelly drawing naked ladies.

[1:08:00] I'm sure Walt Kelly at some point drew a naked lady.

[1:08:02] Oh, sure.

[1:08:02] Yeah, exactly.

[1:08:03] Having sex with a possum.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:06] He's got to pay the bills somehow.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:07] Yeah.

[1:08:08] It was part of his underground book, I Do Pogo.

[1:08:11] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:12] He drew it at Comic-Con.

[1:08:14] There was someone who demanded that...

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:16] My sketchbook's theme is...

Dan McCoy

[1:08:19] You saw Pogo having sex with a busty lady?

[1:08:20] Sure, whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:21] My sketchbook is your most popular character having sex with a busty lady.

[1:08:24] Okay.

[1:08:24] Wow, really?

[1:08:25] All these people do these?

[1:08:26] It's all Frank Jo stuff.

[1:08:27] Weird.

[1:08:28] Weird.

The Flop House: Episode #132 - Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

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