The Flop House: Episode #138 - Foodfight!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] We're through the Oogie Loves here, people.

[0:03] We discuss Food Fight.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:33] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:34] Hey, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[0:35] Hey.

[0:35] How's it going?

[0:36] No.

[0:37] What's going on, man?

[0:38] Wait, you beat me?

Dan McCoy

[0:39] I'm introducing myself to you two guys.

[0:42] Look, Stuart, you snossed and you lost, okay?

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] All the way from Leffert's Place, Brooklyn, this is Flophouse.

[0:49] What?

Dan McCoy

[0:50] That is too detailed.

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] All the way from Brooklyn, it's the Flophouse.

[0:54] Flophouse Studios.

[0:56] Featuring Dan McCoy.

[0:58] Yes, Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:59] Stuart Wellington.

[1:00] As Stuart, the man, Wellington.

[1:03] And Elliot Kalin.

[1:05] As himself.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06] With musical guest.

[1:08] The Captain and Tennille.

[1:10] And now here's your host.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13] Dan McCoy.

[1:14] Wait, we didn't do that silly.

[1:17] Hello.

[1:17] No.

[1:18] It's me, Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] No, you've got to do a monologue.

[1:21] Hey, it's great to be here.

[1:22] We've got the Captain and Tennille.

[1:24] You guys see this in the news?

[1:26] Have you ever seen Saturday Night Live?

[1:29] They don't have that kind of monologue.

Dan McCoy

[1:31] Okay.

[1:32] It's great to be here.

[1:33] Hey, buddy.

[1:34] The Captain and Tennille.

[1:35] I'm here promoting my movie, of course.

[1:37] Food Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39] Is that the movie?

[1:40] Okay, so what do we do on this podcast?

[1:42] What do we do on?

Dan McCoy

[1:42] This is a movie.

[1:43] This podcast.

[1:44] This is a movie that we podcast.

[1:48] Every week.

[1:49] I mess it up.

[1:50] Every two weeks.

[1:51] I partly blame you guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:54] Yeah, because we go into your brain and step around with little boots on.

[1:59] I think it's time we have a little...

[2:00] You've accepted me.

[2:01] I think it's time we have a little rap session here, guys.

[2:03] Okay, sure.

[2:03] And we're rapping.

[2:04] Real talk for you.

[2:06] We're rapping about a podcast.

[2:07] The podcast is called the Flophouse Podcast.

[2:09] That's what we do.

[2:10] And we're about to put in your ear balls a little story about a shitty movie that we just watched.

[2:16] Okay.

[2:16] And what was the name of that movie we just watched?

Dan McCoy

[2:18] This is a story all about how our life got flipped, turned upside down, by watching a movie called Food Fight.

[2:23] Food Fight.

[2:24] Well, maybe you've heard of it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:25] Food Fight is the worst movie ever made.

[2:29] It's become something of a minor internet sensation in that it's been mentioned on the internet before.

[2:34] This is a surprisingly high-budgeted animated film starring...

[2:39] Over $60 million, is that what?

[2:41] A $65 million budget.

[2:43] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[2:43] And the sky was dark, where all the stars were in Food Fight.

[2:47] And by stars...

[2:48] Actually, there's a pretty big cast, and also...

Dan McCoy

[2:50] You've got Charlie Sheen.

[2:51] You've got Hilary Duff.

[2:52] You've got your Eva Longoria.

[2:53] Here's the...

[2:54] Here's Cloris Leachman.

Dan McCoy

[2:54] Chris Catan.

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] Who else is in it?

[2:56] Christopher Lloyd.

[2:57] Ed Asner.

[2:58] Jerry Stiller.

[2:59] Ed Asner.

[3:00] Did you say Eva Longoria?

[3:01] I did say.

[3:02] Larry Miller.

[3:03] Wayne Brady.

Stuart Wellington

[3:04] Hot off of the success of Oogie Loves comes Christopher Lloyd.

[3:08] And Cloris Leachman.

[3:09] Cloris Leachman.

Dan McCoy

[3:10] Back again.

[3:10] Yeah.

[3:11] Hot off the success of Delgo comes Chris Catan.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] Hot off the success of whatever Hilary Duff does is Hilary Duff.

Stuart Wellington

[3:18] Yeah, I mean, she does animated shit, right?

[3:20] She should be a...

[3:21] A young lady?

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Well, she has a digestive disease, and she poops animation.

[3:25] When Stuart says she does animated shit, he's actually right, but it's a serious disorder.

Stuart Wellington

[3:29] Oh, he's picking apart every word I said.

[3:31] Yeah, yep.

[3:32] I did.

[3:32] I better watch out.

Elliott Kalan

[3:33] It's called Animated Battle Syndrome, and it's a real danger.

[3:37] ABS is nothing to joke about.

[3:39] So anyway, this is a movie with a huge budget, huge cast, and some of the worst animation

[3:46] in the history of animation.

[3:48] This is a...

[3:49] If anyone listening remembers the Saturday morning cartoon show in Reboot.

[3:53] Yeah.

[3:53] It was a show called Reboot.

[3:54] It was all computer generated because it took place inside a computer.

[3:57] At the time, it was kind of impressive, but now it looks really cheap.

[4:00] It looks like this movie, Food Fight, was made 25 years before Reboot.

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Yeah.

[4:06] The inexplicable nature of the animation and the frenetic nature of the animation, I likened

[4:12] it to...

[4:13] If you've ever seen a Ralph Bakshi movie, there's always something crazy going on in the corner

[4:18] of the screen.

[4:19] Now imagine that's the main thing that's happening in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:21] Now imagine that was animated with the program that came with your PC, and it was done by

[4:27] your seven-year-old nephew with about ten minutes notice.

Dan McCoy

[4:30] Well, half of it was done by your seven-year-old nephew.

[4:34] Half of it is done by the guys who do 3D animated porn.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Yeah, there's a lot of female characters.

[4:40] Well, there's two female characters in this who look like...

[4:42] Inappropriately sexy.

[4:44] ...are ridiculously inappropriately sexy to the point that the villainess, who's Evil

[4:48] Angroid is the voice of, who's supposed to be this sexy, bad villain.

[4:51] Mm-hmm.

[4:52] Like, the two different cheeks of her butt are sculpted, so that when she's wearing

[4:57] like a dress, you still see...

[4:58] You can see them fully through the dress.

[5:00] ...like her butt cheeks moving independently of each other.

Dan McCoy

[5:03] And then later on...

[5:03] Which sounds like impressive animation, but it's not.

[5:06] And then later on, she shows up, for no reason, in thigh highs and a Catholic schoolgirl

[5:11] dress.

[5:11] Yeah, it's a regular purge.

Elliott Kalan

[5:13] So anyway, but this is a movie that has an interesting history in that they poured a lot of money

[5:19] into it.

[5:19] And they figured they'd get a lot of money back because it takes place in a supermarket

[5:23] after dark when the products come to life.

[5:25] After dark?

[5:27] Only the freaks come out at night.

[5:28] Mm-hmm.

[5:30] But...

[5:30] So they have all these characters in the background who are product placement characters.

[5:34] There's like all these mascots.

[5:35] Mr. Clean.

[5:35] Your Charlie's Tuna.

[5:36] Charlie Tuna.

[5:38] You got your...

[5:39] Mr. Clean.

[5:39] Your Mr....

[5:40] I said...

[5:41] Statistically...

[5:42] You got your Hawaiian...

[5:43] Your Mrs. Butterworth.

[5:44] Your Hawaiian punch guy.

[5:45] Charlie Tuna.

[5:45] The same as Punchy.

[5:46] Yeah.

[5:47] Sorry.

[5:48] You've got your...

[5:48] Come on.

[5:49] And then you've got the ones that I'm not sure actually belong to real products like your

[5:53] flatulent Foreign Legion French cheese.

[5:55] Your frog with a crown.

[5:57] Yeah.

[5:58] Your moose waiter.

[5:59] Your weasel that looks like a scrotum with two turkey legs attached to him.

[6:03] There's the offensive anti-Semitic giant nose guy.

[6:08] I'm not even sure what his product was.

Stuart Wellington

[6:10] He seemed to have a nose-based business where he smelled things for a living.

[6:13] I mean, he wasn't that anti-Semitic though.

[6:15] I just think he was...

[6:17] I mean, he was a doctor.

[6:18] I mean, what do you want?

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] He basically was like, what I can do for you is this.

[6:24] This is all I can offer you.

[6:25] For you, half price.

[6:26] Ten dollars.

[6:28] Like a...

[6:29] Pay no attention to my giant nose.

[6:31] But the hero of the movie, played by Charlie Sheen, and by played I mean that he seems to

[6:35] have spoken his lines...

[6:37] Showed up in a bathrobe.

[6:39] It's almost like they handed him a portable tape recorder and they said, just say these

[6:42] whenever.

[6:43] So he did them when he was like tired and about to take a nap, or when he was sitting on the

[6:47] toilet board.

[6:48] Commuting.

[6:49] Yeah.

[6:51] The dog detective.

[6:52] He plays the character...

[6:53] Not the gruff.

[6:53] That's his last name.

[6:55] He plays the character Dex Dogtective.

[6:57] Yeah.

[6:57] And that is his name.

[6:59] Dex Dogtective.

[7:00] Who has a human body, but a dog's head.

[7:02] And he dresses like Indiana Jones in some parts, and like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca in

[7:07] other parts.

[7:07] Just like...

Dan McCoy

[7:08] Your two most famous cinematic Nazi...

[7:11] Adventurers.

[7:12] Nazi fighters.

[7:12] Anti-Nazi people, which will come into play later.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] They'll come into play later when they fight the Nazis.

[7:16] Yeah.

[7:16] So he is the hero adventurer of...

[7:19] What's it called?

[7:20] Food Town or some shit?

[7:20] I don't fucking know.

[7:21] It's a supermarket.

[7:22] It's a grocery store.

[7:23] When the lights go out, the supermarket is transformed into a whole town that has like

[7:27] fields and a river.

Stuart Wellington

[7:28] We've never seen something like this before.

Elliott Kalan

[7:29] It's almost like somebody heard the idea of Toy Story, then got hit in the head with like

[7:36] an eye beam, and then like mumbled this while they were in surgery because they didn't

Dan McCoy

[7:41] give them enough anesthetic to keep them under.

[7:43] You know what children love?

[7:44] They love the grocery store, and more than that, they love the cast of characters.

Elliott Kalan

[7:49] It opens with this elderly grocer shutting down the store for the night, and as the lights

[7:55] go out, there's this plaintive music as if like, well, the fun's over for the day.

[7:59] The carnival's leading town for another year.

[8:02] This world of magic and whimsy that is a food store.

[8:06] This is preceded, by the way, by not even a real title screen.

[8:09] There's just like an animated thing that says Food Fight, just like a DVD menu screen.

[8:14] Yeah, no, it looks like the production company's named Food Fight.

[8:17] It looks like the Food Fight Productions made this title-less movie.

[8:22] So they're shutting down the supermarket with the wistful air because like you're saying,

[8:26] the circus tents are coming down.

[8:27] The roustabouts are packing it all up.

[8:30] All good things must come to an end.

[8:31] The food clowns are taking their makeup off.

Stuart Wellington

[8:34] The ground is salted with the tears of the children who've had the lead.

Elliott Kalan

[8:37] Yeah, the ball team is packing up their lockers for the last grocery store game of the season.

[8:42] It is, it's so, it already has this wistful feeling for something no one has any emotional

[8:48] connection to, which is shopping for groceries.

Dan McCoy

[8:52] Then the lights go down, and the lights come back up.

[8:55] And unlike Toy Story, which creates...

[8:58] Takes place in the real world.

[8:58] Yeah, it creates magic out of the things that we see every day.

[9:01] Is that because we've slipped into another dimension?

[9:04] Well, that's the thing, the grocery store has transformed into an entirely different place

[9:09] where there's like churches, like what was...

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] There's like a Russian Orthodox church, a field, there's an Empire State Building or a Chrysler

[9:18] Building or something.

[9:19] There's like, there's all, it seems like it's this kind of...

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] There's probably a Jewish temple because of the...

[9:24] Since there's so many...

[9:24] There's many Jewish characters.

[9:26] Let me just reveal at the end that it's...

[9:27] Well, there's a nightclub and a...

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] It's revealed at the end that Dex Dogtective is Jewish, which makes no sense.

[9:33] Because Dogtective is not a Jewish name.

[9:35] Well, they changed it at Alice Island from Dogtective to Wits.

[9:38] But he does always wear a hat, that's true.

[9:41] Now I understand.

[9:42] It's because he's showing his humility before Yahweh.

[9:46] Sorry, I should have said Adonai.

[9:48] But anyway, that's besides the point.

[9:50] Sorry.

[9:51] Hashem.

[9:51] Let's just call him Hashem, shall we?

[9:53] That's the proper Jewish name for him.

[9:54] But the...

[9:56] So it's the...

[9:57] I think it's like a pocket universe that all grocery stores lead to.

[10:00] Because when a food product icon...

[10:02] And they're called Ikes in it.

[10:04] And when you have Nazi characters...

[10:06] That sounds weird.

Elliott Kalan

[10:06] When you have Nazi characters running around saying,

[10:08] Kill all the Ikes.

[10:09] It's a little too close to the actual slur for Jewish people.

[10:13] Like, it's weird.

[10:14] I didn't expect to be watching this animated movie about food mascots coming to life at night.

[10:19] And feel like a palpable feeling of anti-Semitism.

[10:22] They're like, kill all the yods.

[10:25] All those terrible yods.

[10:27] They're called Jaws.

[10:28] Because people eat them with their mouths.

[10:30] Yep.

[10:31] Anyway.

[10:33] Put them on the food train.

Dan McCoy

[10:35] Oh, come on.

[10:36] I'm sorry.

[10:37] Oh, man.

[10:37] That was too much.

[10:38] I apologize.

[10:39] Too far.

[10:39] Can you apologize, Elliot?

[10:40] On behalf of the makers of Food Flight.

[10:43] So anyway, we haven't even gotten into the plot of this thing.

Elliott Kalan

[10:45] Yeah.

[10:46] Dex Dogtective is the adventurer who keeps Foodtown, let's just call it safe.

[10:50] You know, that's the name of a real grocery store chain.

[10:52] He's in love with a cat named...

[10:54] No, not a cat.

[10:55] Cat.

[10:55] He's in love with a human woman with cat ears.

Dan McCoy

[10:59] And like makeup that looks like whiskers, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] And named Sunshine Goodness, who is the mascot for a raisin company.

[11:06] That's weird.

Dan McCoy

[11:07] And who has an uncomfortable number of almost upskirts.

[11:11] Constantly.

Elliott Kalan

[11:12] And I think one of you guys are saying she's like the beginner figure for trying to get

[11:16] a guy into being a furry.

[11:18] Yeah, totally.

[11:19] Like, oh, she's just like a sexy woman with like cat ears.

[11:21] That's nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[11:22] Yeah, then a few years later, you're like, oh, man, this picture of a cat next to a picture

[11:25] of a human vagina.

[11:27] It's doing it for me.

[11:28] Like, what have I become?

[11:30] And it all started with Sunshine Goodness.

[11:32] But the weirdest thing is later on, they show a picture of the product that she is the

[11:37] Ike for.

[11:38] Yeah.

[11:39] And there's nothing...

Elliott Kalan

[11:40] I'm not comfortable with that term.

[11:41] I can use the term Ike.

[11:42] Okay.

[11:43] Icon, is that okay?

[11:44] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:44] Okay.

[11:45] So, and she...

[11:47] There's nothing cat-like about her on the box.

[11:49] No, yeah.

[11:49] She just looks like a human woman.

[11:50] Yeah, it's almost like she adopts that in order to, I guess, be...

[11:54] Fit in with the animals.

[11:55] Can I just...

[11:55] Fit in with this dog head.

[11:56] Hold on.

[11:56] So it's a little bit less weird that she's in love with this Anubis jackal-headed god.

Elliott Kalan

[12:03] It is true that when you die, Dex, Doug, Tectiv, weighs your heart against a feather.

[12:07] Can I just see if you'll make it into heaven?

[12:09] Take a sidebar here.

Dan McCoy

[12:11] While you're talking about the product that Sunshine is the Ike for, can I...

[12:16] Again.

[12:17] I mean, we have to keep saying it, but...

[12:19] Can I just point out, I looked on IMDb, the one piece of trivia for Food Fight, or not

[12:25] trivia, actually, onto the goof section.

[12:28] The one goof.

[12:29] Otherwise a perfect movie.

[12:30] Because otherwise flawless.

[12:33] 99%.

[12:34] The one goof that IMDb...

Elliott Kalan

[12:35] This takes it down from an A++++++.

[12:39] It's just an A+++.

Dan McCoy

[12:40] That they list is, Dex, Doug, Tectiv's love, Sunshine, is supposedly the face of a raisin brand.

Elliott Kalan

[12:47] And she keeps throwing...

Dan McCoy

[12:49] It won't even take the movie at face value.

[12:52] Supposedly the face of a raisin brand.

[12:54] And she keeps throwing raisins at Dex that he eats.

[12:56] And occasionally gives Dex a dog raisins.

[12:59] It is a well-known fact that raisins are toxic to dogs.

[13:03] So that is the one goof in Food Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[13:06] But anyway, so Dex, Doug, Tectiv is in love with Sunshine Goodness.

[13:09] He also has a best friend named Dan Daring or something like that.

[13:12] I mean, Dan Daring is a comic book character, but...

[13:16] His name is like...

[13:16] Like Danger Dan.

[13:17] Danger Dan or Dynamic Dan or something.

Dan McCoy

[13:19] He's a squirrel that looks like a monkey, which is significant because he's a racist black character.

Elliott Kalan

[13:24] He's Wayne Brady playing a black character.

[13:26] And it's weird because he must be the mascot for like a chocolate product, which we never see.

[13:31] Because he's constantly making chocolate puns.

[13:33] When he talks to women, he's like, oh, I want to put some chocolate frosting on your cake.

[13:37] He wants to ejaculate chocolate on...

[13:40] He fries chocolate chips at one point.

[13:42] He fries chocolate chips, which must hurt like hell.

[13:45] Oh, yeah.

[13:45] The chocolate chips coming out of your tear ducts.

[13:47] Just tearing through the mucus membrane.

[13:49] Pushing them out.

[13:50] And also later, and this will make more sense at the time.

[13:53] No, it won't.

[13:53] When he meets a blind, elderly, gay bat, the bat keeps sniffing going, mmm, chocolate.

[13:59] Well, you smell delicious.

[14:02] But anyway, so Dex, Doug, Tectiv is in love with Sunshine Goodness.

[14:06] He wants to propose marriage to her.

[14:08] But because...

[14:08] Who wouldn't?

[14:09] Because his friend Dan...

[14:11] Oh, this is after he saved Food Town from...

[14:12] From a character called the Fat Cat Burglar, who is clearly a rat.

[14:16] Who has a bunch of sidekicks who are Kung Fu Guinea pigs.

Dan McCoy

[14:20] Yeah, and this never comes back into play other than establishing Dex, Doug, Tectiv as an adventurer.

[14:25] The Kung Fu Guinea pigs show up a lot.

[14:27] They show up, but like...

[14:29] This is like the equivalent of the beginning of a James Bond movie where he has an unrelated adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[14:36] This is just to show us that Dex is indeed not just named Dogtective, but is a real Dogtective.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] So you're saying that the director knows his stuff.

[14:42] He's got his chops.

[14:43] Yeah, he's a fucking...

[14:43] He's made his bones.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] He's a Spielberg.

[14:45] No dog pun intended.

[14:48] Yeah.

[14:48] So anyway, yeah, this is just like Tintin.

[14:49] Yeah.

[14:50] So...

[14:51] Tintin.

[14:53] So Tintin.

[14:54] It's a real Tintin.

[14:56] The Adventures of Tintin.

Stuart Wellington

[14:58] Is that an old lady saying...

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] That's what I see.

[15:01] Tintin.

[15:03] I love that Tintin and Snowy.

[15:05] That Tintin is so fun.

[15:07] Those two French brothers who are police or something and the old sea captain.

[15:11] I just love that Tintin.

[15:14] There's mysteries in the Russia or China or the moon.

[15:18] He's a poor reporter.

[15:21] I always hope he finds enough treasure so he can retire because it's such a dangerous...

[15:26] dangerous career being a poor reporter.

[15:29] I say it's so hot.

[15:31] It's hot out today, I must say.

[15:34] Makes her body feel like just lying around and reading some Tintin.

[15:39] More another mint julep and another Tintin, please.

Dan McCoy

[15:42] This is not my most favorite character that exists in the world.

[15:46] The old southern Tintin.

Elliott Kalan

[15:47] This old lady.

[15:47] This old lady who doesn't exist.

[15:50] An old lady southern who loves Tintin.

[15:53] I just love the clean art style of Her Hey.

[15:57] Of Her Jay.

[15:59] He's my favorite Belgian cartoonist.

[16:01] Although they're all so good.

[16:02] I used to say there's nothing good came out of Belgian but them waffles.

[16:06] But I was wrong.

[16:07] I was wrong.

[16:08] There's that clean line art style and that adorable boy detective.

[16:12] Reporter.

[16:12] I'm sorry.

[16:13] It's so hot today.

Dan McCoy

[16:15] I shouldn't be lying in this Tauntaun carcass.

[16:19] Anyway.

[16:19] I thought they smelled bad on the outside.

[16:21] I shouldn't keep you anymore.

[16:23] I know you got a lot of mail to deliver.

[16:25] But I just...

[16:26] You get me talking about Tintin.

[16:28] I can't stop.

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] We get so few mail callers around these parts.

[16:31] And my husband's all cold to me these days in his old age.

[16:37] Why don't you sit a while?

[16:38] I'll read you some Tintin.

[16:40] See where things go.

[16:42] Tennessee Williams.

[16:44] It's Tintin C. Williams.

[16:45] That's what it is.

[16:47] It's cat on a hot Tintin roof.

[16:49] Cat on a hot Tintin roof.

[16:51] Stuart got up and left.

[16:59] Oh, man.

[17:01] What are we doing tonight?

[17:03] I don't know.

[17:03] I don't care.

[17:04] It led to this beautiful moment.

[17:07] Tintin C. Williams.

[17:08] Tintin C. Williams.

[17:09] Cat on a hot Tintin roof.

[17:13] Tintin roof.

[17:14] Tintin roof.

[17:15] Well, I don't have a southern accent.

[17:17] The character does.

[17:18] It's like when people say enchilada.

[17:20] And they don't have a Spanish accent.

Stuart Wellington

[17:22] It's like when any Spanish character.

[17:24] Or, I guess, Mexican.

[17:26] Character.

[17:26] Cuban, maybe?

[17:27] Character on Dexter.

[17:29] Who, anytime they say anything in Spanish, they're like,

[17:32] Oh, you're feeling sick?

[17:33] How about I make you my sopa de pollo?

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] Yeah, they just.

[17:36] They accent the hell out of it.

[17:38] Oh, boy.

[17:39] So, the.

[17:40] So.

[17:42] Oh, yeah.

[17:42] So, he's an adventurer.

[17:43] He's a dog detective.

[17:44] He's in love with this girl.

[17:45] But he's about to propose to her.

[17:47] But then his friend crashes his biplane.

[17:49] Because, of course, he's a squirrel.

[17:50] He has a biplane.

[17:51] And distracts them.

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] Yeah.

[17:53] While his Italian moose buddy was setting up a nice dinner for him.

Elliott Kalan

[17:56] And in all the bedlam, is that when Sunshine Goodness disappears?

[17:59] She disappears.

[18:00] And then there's the most surprising flash forward since the Bratz movie.

[18:04] There's a title card that just says six months later.

[18:06] So, we're dealing with a character whose girlfriend is missing for half a year.

[18:10] Yeah.

[18:10] Like, the woman he loves.

[18:12] It's like a vanishing.

[18:12] And his response to that, he hasn't been able to find her.

[18:15] So, he quits being a dog detective and becomes a club owner of the.

[18:20] It's called, what, Casa Banana?

[18:22] Yeah.

[18:23] And from now on, it's a lot of it is a Casablanca shitty parody about mascot food products.

Dan McCoy

[18:29] Yeah.

[18:29] Because there are two things that kids love.

[18:31] It's branded food products in Casablanca.

Elliott Kalan

[18:34] And movies from before their parents were born.

[18:37] Oh, boy.

[18:38] But, yeah.

[18:40] So, it's, what's going on?

[18:42] Oh, this.

[18:43] I don't even know.

[18:43] He runs this club, the Casa Banana, all the food.

[18:46] It's, everybody comes to Dex's.

[18:48] That's what it is.

[18:49] Including a sexy, I guess, human lady?

[18:52] A sexy human lady who is clearly evil from the first moment she shows up.

[18:57] I don't remember her name.

[18:58] Voiced by Ava Longoria.

[18:59] So, also still evil.

[19:01] What?

[19:02] Evil Longoria.

Dan McCoy

[19:04] As she's known.

[19:05] But, yeah.

[19:05] In the real world, in the non-branded supermarket world.

[19:11] Wait, what?

[19:12] There's a real world?

[19:12] Meanwhile, in the real world.

[19:13] Christopher Lloyd lurches into the grocery store.

[19:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:17] In the grocery store that we saw close up earlier, wistfully, because all the dreams had gone to sleep.

[19:23] This guy lurches in with his henchmen.

[19:26] And he's forcibly replacing all of the store's products with something called Brand X.

[19:31] And he literally lurches around like a spastic monster.

[19:35] It's the most herky, jerky.

Stuart Wellington

[19:35] It has all the drama if, in just a normal play or movie, you had one of the monsters from the Mighty Morphing Power Rangers just wander on the set.

[19:46] It's like that level of subtlety.

Elliott Kalan

[19:47] He's got a huge head and crazy googly eyes.

[19:51] And it's not even like it's herky, jerky animation.

[19:53] It's like, they animate.

[19:54] He's palsied.

[19:55] Yeah.

[19:55] They animated this character to have a palsy of some sort where he can't control his bodily movements.

Stuart Wellington

[19:59] And his pupils are pointing in random directions.

Elliott Kalan

[20:01] And it's Christopher Lloyd, so, like, you know, you feel bad already.

[20:05] He's Mr. Crazy.

[20:06] He's Mr. Crazy.

[20:09] Yeah, there's been a lot of sadness.

[20:09] That was his wrestling name.

Stuart Wellington

[20:10] Ever since, like, Suburban Commando, I've been feeling kind of bad.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] So, anyway, that's a different issue.

[20:17] Yeah.

[20:18] But, so, they're replacing everything with Brand X even though the old man doesn't really want to.

[20:22] And so, it turns out.

Dan McCoy

[20:23] But let's slow down a moment to clarify.

[20:27] We're going pretty slow.

Elliott Kalan

[20:28] We took a lot of time out for a cat on a hot tin tin roof.

Dan McCoy

[20:32] But this is a movie where the heroes are name brands.

[20:38] Yeah.

[20:38] And the villain is the generic brand.

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] So, yeah, the villain is the.

Dan McCoy

[20:43] Very pro-capitalist, pro-big business.

Elliott Kalan

[20:46] The villain is the, what we'd have to assume is the cost-effective budget brand.

Stuart Wellington

[20:50] Yeah.

[20:51] Yeah, it's strange for this movie to take a big business stance since it made so little money.

Elliott Kalan

[20:55] Yep.

[20:56] Since really this was an independent film.

Dan McCoy

[20:58] It was a passion project.

[20:59] One has to assume.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] Yeah, he was so in love with the idea of a dog having sex with a cat woman.

Dan McCoy

[21:05] You think that that was why this movie was made?

[21:07] One guy had a fetish and he's like, oh, I've got to figure out a way.

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] I assume he saw an animation online on like YouPorn or something.

[21:14] Yeah.

[21:14] Of like an animated lady having sex with an animated dog man.

[21:17] And he was like, there's a kid's movie in this.

[21:20] And over time they whittled down the sex scenes and turned it just into action scenes where food is thrown at people.

Dan McCoy

[21:25] If I can figure out a way to put a ton of product placement into this, we can finance the biggest sex fetish animated movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:33] This would be the biggest budget furry porn ever made.

[21:35] So anyway, so Christopher Lloyd's crazy palsied man is replacing everything.

[21:40] This lady has come in and she tries to seduce Dex Dogtective.

[21:44] But instead, suddenly Ikes are being found dead in the streets.

[21:49] I know.

[21:49] And they literally have sheets over them.

[21:51] Like they're dead.

[21:52] And that when a mascot dies, his product disappears, I guess.

[21:56] Yeah.

[21:57] Through some sort of interdimensional mascot magic.

Stuart Wellington

[21:59] I still don't get – so the person's dead?

[22:03] What does the product have – what does that matter to them?

[22:06] Because there's a kind of spiritual link between the two.

[22:09] So a mascot does well if like their product sells well?

[22:13] I guess so, yeah.

[22:13] So they get stronger or have more money in the universe or whatever?

Elliott Kalan

[22:16] Imagine that the product – the mascot is Elliot and the product is E.T.

[22:21] Okay.

[22:21] And they have a mental link so that like if one of them sees John Wayne kissing in The Quiet Man,

[22:27] the other one kisses.

[22:28] When like a mascot gets drunk, his product is lurching around, you know, that kind of thing.

[22:33] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[22:33] So if the product does well, they'll do well?

[22:37] Yeah, I think so.

[22:38] It doesn't really make sense.

[22:39] Okay.

[22:41] Thanks.

[22:41] So anyway –

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] Thanks for clearing up the metaphysics of this shit.

[22:45] I'm just trying to figure it out.

[22:46] I don't know what the states are.

[22:47] For a movie where the characters just bounce around forever and Dex,

[22:49] the detective can fly at various moments seemingly without any explanation.

[22:55] So it's pretty clear that the woman is the head of Brand X.

[22:58] She starts bringing in her very explicitly Nazi-based army to take out the brands that she says are inferior.

Dan McCoy

[23:06] There's a lot of Lenny Riefenstahl style shots.

Elliott Kalan

[23:09] By which you mean the camera flying around like crazy.

[23:11] And people just sticking their faces into it.

[23:13] I think you mean more –

[23:14] I would call those Foo-Fa-esque.

[23:15] I think you mean more Ron Howard the Grinch-esque shots.

Dan McCoy

[23:19] No, but I mean there are like shots of armies massing from above.

[23:23] A lot of Iron Eagles flying.

[23:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] In this case, the Iron Eagles are robot mosquito monsters, which we barely see.

[23:30] The one cool thing in the whole movie.

[23:32] Yeah.

[23:32] And they barely enter into it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:34] Destroyed by giant gum balloons.

[23:38] Later on.

Dan McCoy

[23:38] But the lady has a tango with Dex Detective for some reason.

[23:42] For some reason they have a tango in which they –

[23:43] For sex reasons.

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] In which they –

[23:44] It's like a sexy like banter tango between a hero and villain that also involves destroying accidentally everything in the room.

[23:51] So like they knock over her fish tank.

[23:53] They knock over a cage of birds.

[23:55] They get a computer wet and it explodes.

[23:57] Like none of it makes any sense.

Dan McCoy

[23:58] But usually also that scene happens like at a place where say a tango is already happening.

[24:03] Yeah.

[24:03] Like a dance.

Elliott Kalan

[24:04] Like say in True Lies where they're at a fucking dance ball.

[24:07] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:07] But this is just like, oh, I guess we should tango now because this is what happens.

Elliott Kalan

[24:13] The whole movie feels like –

[24:15] Yeah, one of those dance balls.

[24:16] The movie, including with the human characters, feel like a lot of these bad movies where someone has heard of a movie.

[24:23] They've never really seen one.

[24:25] Like this guy had a movie recounted to him once.

[24:27] Oh, they tango at that point.

[24:29] I guess all movies have tango scenes.

[24:30] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:30] It's like how can we jazz this scene of two characters just talking to each other.

[24:35] And here's –

[24:35] Let's just mention here.

[24:36] Let's have them do a tango.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] So the villain is heavily oversexed, like huge boobs, like very – like the butt, again, like we said, both cheeks rendered.

Dan McCoy

[24:45] The butt that just won't quit.

[24:46] Am I right, guys?

Elliott Kalan

[24:46] Yeah.

[24:47] And there are a ton of like –

[24:48] Okay.

[24:49] There's a ton of like really inappropriate innuendo that the characters make.

[24:53] There's a lot of –

[24:53] The thing I've complained about on this podcast before where like someone says like, hey, chip happens when a bag of chips falls over.

[25:00] And it's like –

[25:01] They say –

[25:01] A guy goes, hey, better ease up on that –

[25:03] That's funny because it means shit happens.

[25:03] Better ease up on that potato juice before you get chip-faced.

[25:06] It's like, fuck you.

[25:07] Like a kid's movie shouldn't have puns on shit happens or shit face.

[25:10] Like what the fuck?

Stuart Wellington

[25:12] First off, it's lazy.

[25:13] You're teaching a kid to make lazy, crappy jokes.

[25:16] Yeah.

[25:16] He doesn't even know what that means.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] He shouldn't know what that means.

[25:18] That's a little something for daddy.

[25:21] Daddy loves shit puns.

[25:22] I'll tell you what's for daddy is the sexy lady and the near and the possibility of upskirts that constantly happen.

[25:29] That's for a lonely single parent daddy later on to shamefully masturbate to.

[25:34] After the kids have gone back to their mothers and leaving behind not but the copy of Food Fight he bought at the grocery store for a dollar thinking it was a Pixar movie.

Dan McCoy

[25:42] Okay.

[25:43] Repeat this chapter, I guess, over and over.

Elliott Kalan

[25:45] And since the kids, taking one look at it and knowing they would have no interest in it, never watched it, but said, uh, thanks, dad.

[25:51] Can we go outside and play with mom early?

[25:53] He just sits there.

[25:54] Can we go outside and play with sticks?

[25:56] He sits there in the mid-afternoon as his kids play in the dirt outside, lazily, sadly masturbating while crying to this supposed children's animated film.

[26:07] Oh, that's your, so that's your ideal Food Fight viewer, I guess.

[26:10] Yeah.

[26:10] So anyway.

[26:11] Your demographic breakdown of Food Fight.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] That's how a daddy makes lemonade out of lemons.

[26:16] Ew, that sounds so much grosser than it should.

[26:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:19] So Dex Dog Detective's got to get to the bottom of it.

[26:22] It takes forever.

[26:23] They go into the real world briefly where they get-

[26:26] Talk to a computer, right?

[26:27] Talk to a computer.

[26:28] This also involves them, there's like a horrible, ugly old lady who throws meat, who Cloris Leachman is the voice of, and they fight her briefly.

[26:37] And they encounter a real world mother and baby, which is the single most horrifying, grotesque thing I think I've ever seen.

Dan McCoy

[26:44] Now let's be clear, there are several images in this movie that we simply cannot do justice.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] There are a number of times that we, and not to sound like other, you know, another film podcast, not to steal their thing, but then other times that we just said, what?

[26:55] While we were watching it, was the highest yet.

Dan McCoy

[26:58] Yeah, you, like, oh God, there's, you, the, the experience of watching this movie really is like, let's say you took some drugs and like stared at a Hieronymus Bosch painting while maybe Oogie Loves was playing in the other room.

[27:13] Like, I don't know how to-

Elliott Kalan

[27:14] While also concentrating on a, on a farmland milk container.

[27:18] Yeah.

[27:18] Because they're heavily covered in this.

Dan McCoy

[27:20] It's very difficult to just express the frenetic craziness of just like the images of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] Every shot, the camera's swirling around.

[27:28] The characters have no sense of physics or gravity, so they're just bouncing around.

Dan McCoy

[27:30] No one saw the way an actual human moves before they animated.

Elliott Kalan

[27:34] There's constant shots of characters just thrusting their faces into the camera or falling down while like muttering things to themselves that might be jokes, but you can't quite make them out.

Stuart Wellington

[27:42] I watch a lot of movies and listen to a lot of music for pleasure that's designed mainly to make you uncomfortable.

[27:48] None of it compares to this movie.

[27:51] There's a certain level of horror that you just can't achieve through actual intent.

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] The scariest thing about it was someone made this not intending to horrify and disgust us.

[28:04] Like, if someone-

[28:05] Like, kids will love this.

[28:07] If someone drew that-

[28:08] It's the worst part.

[28:08] If someone drew that baby and that mother, which are these horrible, grotesque, like, eraser head things-

Dan McCoy

[28:14] Yeah, they're like worse than the Stephen Gamal drawings for, like, scary stories to tell in the dark.

[28:19] Don't even bring that up again.

Elliott Kalan

[28:20] If someone created that to, like, freak out the squares, I'd be like, alright, whatever.

[28:25] But the fact that it's in a kid's movie and it's supposed to be fun, ugh.

[28:28] The one thing that saves the moment where they're in the real world is that Dex uses the power of a flying soda bottle, which, again, is never explained.

[28:37] I guess it's supposed to be, like, falling and he glides on it.

[28:40] He's flying around on it.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] And then at some point, he's like Norrin Rad on his silver surfboard.

Elliott Kalan

[28:46] Just like, just surfing the spaceways, except it's a full bottle of grape soda, just in midair in a grocery store.

[28:53] And they can't let anyone see them because they might get in trouble.

[28:56] But they just fly right through a guy's legs and the guy just keeps walking like nothing.

Stuart Wellington

[29:00] Well, he's swooping around and then at some point, somebody uses a meat cleaver or something and whacks off the cap of the soda bottle.

[29:07] And so that propels it further, yeah.

[29:09] But it was flying before that.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] It doesn't make sense.

[29:12] So anyway, through a flying soda bottle, they meet a computer and also an elderly gay bat with bad eyesight, played by Larry Miller in, by far, the best performance in the entire movie.

[29:22] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[29:22] He is the one performance that I would call a good performance in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:27] His voice is a delight in this.

[29:28] He brings way more talent to the part of the elderly gay bat who is a mascot for I Have No Idea.

Stuart Wellington

[29:34] And Larry Miller, who has, like, a bow tie attached to his chest for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[29:38] I mean, Larry Miller is a tremendously funny guy who in movies, unfortunately, got relegated over and over again, I feel like, to playing, like, the, like, Angry Dean character or something.

[29:49] Yeah, the asshole or the creep.

[29:50] But, man, what, like, what a funny guy.

[29:53] What a charming guy.

[29:54] And every joke that he has as elderly gay bat in Food Fight, he knocks out of the park.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] Yeah, like, I've been this, I've been a fan of Larry Miller for many years, since I was a kid.

[30:05] And, like, to see him in this, it was like, oh, no.

[30:08] But then it only made me kind of more of a fan of him that he was able to make even this.

[30:12] The moments he's on it, at least, are, like, mildly, not enjoyable, but, like, bearable.

[30:17] You know, like, he makes, even, like, those are the only.

[30:20] Well, he's putting his spin on the lines, I mean.

Stuart Wellington

[30:21] It's the moment when the torturer stops stabbing you in the eyeballs with hot pokers.

Elliott Kalan

[30:27] Yeah, it's that sweet relief of the pain stopping for a couple seconds as it then returns immediately after.

[30:33] As the torturer takes a breather and drinks some Gatorade.

Dan McCoy

[30:36] Yeah, because it's got the electrolytes he needs.

[30:38] But also, what a charming character of the elderly gay bat.

[30:40] As you said, Elliot, if you could watch a whole movie about the adventures of an elderly gay bat.

Elliott Kalan

[30:45] He's wearing, like, a 70s disco version of, like, Bel Lugosi's Dracula tux.

[30:52] He is so, like, easygoing and droll and likable.

[30:55] And he's just, like, and he's so weirdly attracted to the Wayne Brady squirrel character in a way that seems at first like he wants to eat him.

[31:02] But then it is clearly sexual.

[31:04] Like, it's clear that he's attracted to him romantically.

[31:07] And, like, Larry Miller just has this way of delivering his lines where it's like, hey, look, I'm a bat.

[31:12] I can't see that well.

[31:13] I'm elder.

[31:13] I'm gay.

[31:14] I'm gay.

Stuart Wellington

[31:15] Get used to it.

[31:16] I'm here.

[31:17] I'm queer.

[31:17] I'm a bat.

[31:18] Get used to it.

[31:18] And you compare it to, like, we've touched on Charlie Sheen's super phoned-in performance.

Elliott Kalan

[31:25] But it's interesting.

[31:27] It may have been just his answering machine message.

[31:29] And they cut it up and re-edited it into lines.

Stuart Wellington

[31:31] But, like, Wayne Brady puts so much effort into his role of, what, Danger Dan?

[31:36] Danger Dan.

[31:37] And Chris Kattan, who plays the part of a penguin who's always cold, like, puts a little bit of energy in.

Elliott Kalan

[31:41] He mumbles the craziest shit.

[31:43] I did not understand anything he said.

[31:46] Yeah, a couple times he says something about friends saving him.

[31:49] Or that's what friends are for.

[31:50] But then it was like he thought he was the main character of the movie and the moral of the movie was friends stick together.

[31:56] But he wasn't.

Stuart Wellington

[31:57] And it wasn't.

[31:58] There's a lot of scenes where I feel like they didn't realize, each person doing their performance didn't realize they weren't the only person doing a crazy voice in the scene.

[32:08] So it's like crazy mumbly voice and then another one on top.

Elliott Kalan

[32:11] So you're saying it's like a bad improv show where everyone's going to be the wacky one in the sketch.

Dan McCoy

[32:15] No, like, all of the characters are animated frenetically.

[32:18] All of them are doing crazy voices.

Stuart Wellington

[32:20] And the camera's going ape shit, dude.

[32:22] And by the way, there is no...

[32:23] The camera thinks, I better jazz this thing up.

Dan McCoy

[32:26] Because it's not very crazy.

[32:27] So I better loop around a lot.

[32:28] And there's no unification in the character design.

[32:31] Every single character looks like they're starting in a different animated movie.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] Yeah, it feels like they bought the characters on Remainder from a series of a lot of failed animated movies.

[32:40] They walked down a grocery store right now.

Dan McCoy

[32:41] They bought all the characters in a dollar store somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[32:45] So anyway, let's get back to the plot.

[32:47] Just briefly, they meet an elderly gay bad.

[32:49] They talk to an IBM computer.

[32:51] And they learn that Brand X is recalling all of these products.

[32:56] Doesn't make sense.

[32:57] Only the company that makes a product can recall it.

[33:00] But whatever.

[33:00] Brand X is doing it.

[33:02] Brand X is consolidating its control.

[33:04] Dex Dogtective comes back and decides to lead the resistance.

[33:08] They have a parody of the Marseille Horst Wessel song.

[33:14] No, it wasn't the Horst Wessel song, right?

[33:16] Or maybe it was the Horst Wessel song.

[33:18] Do a fight scene from Castle Blanket.

[33:20] Is that Deutschland?

[33:21] I don't think so.

[33:23] Maybe it was.

[33:24] I can't remember.

[33:25] But it's really bad.

[33:29] But they're also singing along to the...

Dan McCoy

[33:30] They're singing to the tune of the Marseille.

[33:32] Yeah.

[33:32] But other words about...

[33:34] About being mascots or something.

[33:36] Yeah.

[33:37] But...

Elliott Kalan

[33:37] And it's one of those things where the villains are infiltrating in such an easily villainous

[33:42] way.

[33:42] They literally march an army and they're torturing animals.

[33:45] There's a scene where this poor elephant who looks like Max Rebo, who I guess is a mascot

[33:49] for a toothpaste, they literally are going to torture him with a dentist drill.

[33:53] At first it looks like they're trying to create feuds between the different types of mascots.

[33:58] But then they're just fucking killing mascots left and right.

[34:00] They're just very openly being evil.

[34:02] And Dex comes back and he leads the foods in a fight.

[34:06] And I thought this was the climax of the movie.

[34:08] I thought this was the end of the film.

[34:10] Yeah.

[34:10] That they have an enormous food fight, which is literally just the different sides taking

[34:14] turns just hurling food at each other forever.

Dan McCoy

[34:17] And it's not necessarily...

Elliott Kalan

[34:18] And food exploding and the characters falling down and then getting up and just throwing food

[34:23] at each other.

[34:23] And using the same fucking footage.

[34:24] Over and over again.

Dan McCoy

[34:25] It's also not stuff that makes sense, as you pointed out.

[34:28] You've got people shooting pickles at each other and those pickles exploding in gas.

[34:32] And you're like, there's mustard.

[34:34] Mustard gas.

[34:35] It's right there.

Stuart Wellington

[34:36] Yeah.

[34:36] When you get hit with a pickle, it doesn't explode in a puff of toxic gas.

[34:41] Not at all.

Dan McCoy

[34:41] Part of the joke of Pixar movies is they find things that are appropriate to the thing that

[34:47] they're doing.

[34:47] Where this movie is just like, I guess whatever food we throw will just explode.

[34:52] If they have made twists...

Stuart Wellington

[34:53] Whipped cream canisters, gas.

[34:55] Gas.

[34:55] Pickles, gas.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] Ketchup is just ketchup that flies out.

[34:59] Ketchup, but it'll kill you.

[35:00] But it kills you.

[35:00] All potatoes explode.

[35:01] And it doesn't leave a mess.

Stuart Wellington

[35:02] There's no mess at all.

[35:03] That's the thing about a food fight, guys, is that it makes a mess.

[35:07] Well, that's...

[35:07] They didn't want to...

[35:07] If just one of the guys taught me anything, it's that food fights...

[35:10] Is that boobs are great.

[35:11] Boobs are amazing.

Elliott Kalan

[35:12] Boobs are great and often surprise you.

[35:15] If it taught me something else.

[35:16] That boobs will appear in the most shocking of places.

[35:19] Even on the chest of your best friends.

[35:21] In a movie that has been boobless for 90 minutes.

[35:24] In a movie that has teased you with the idea of boobs for an hour and a half and then suddenly

[35:31] pays that tease off in the best way possible.

Stuart Wellington

[35:33] With possibly the best boobs.

Elliott Kalan

[35:35] Yeah.

[35:36] Let's just say it.

[35:37] You know what?

[35:37] I'll just nominate that for best boob reveal scene ever.

[35:41] So if it taught me something other than that stuff, it's that food fights...

[35:44] It taught me if you put socks in your crotch, Sherilyn Fenn will go apeshit for it.

[35:48] She goes crazy.

[35:50] She loves it.

[35:51] She's just gotta have it.

[35:52] She's just gotta have those socks.

[35:55] I wonder...

[35:55] There's some guy...

[35:56] It's like in The Jerk when Steve Martin thinks the guy is shooting the cans instead of shooting

[36:00] at him.

[36:00] Somebody saw just one of the guys and was like, socks.

[36:03] Ladies go crazy for socks.

[36:05] Of course.

[36:08] Anyway, what we're talking about just one of the guys taught you anything.

[36:10] It's that food fights leave a mess.

Stuart Wellington

[36:12] It leaves a mess.

[36:12] And this movie leaves no mess at all.

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] They didn't want to render all the splatter.

[36:15] So they just didn't have it there.

[36:17] Yeah.

[36:18] So anyway, there's a big food fight that goes on forever.

[36:21] They fight the robot insects with bubblegum.

[36:24] It's all stupid.

[36:26] It takes...

[36:26] And there's the running joke...

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] A couple of them die, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[36:29] There's a very short, evil general on the bad side.

[36:33] And he...

[36:33] So there's all...

[36:34] There are three bad guys and their whole army.

[36:36] The three bad guys are the sexy lady.

[36:39] The inappropriately sexy lady.

[36:41] Then there's this guy...

[36:42] The inappropriately sexy lady, right?

[36:44] Yeah.

[36:44] Then there's this guy who had...

[36:45] Oh, there's four bad guys.

[36:46] I'm sorry.

[36:46] Sexy lady.

[36:47] There's the guy with lizard skin who is...

[36:49] Snake man.

[36:50] ...turned on by pain.

[36:51] Yeah.

[36:51] And does a weird kind of Claude Rains, Ed Grimley Jr., Boris Karloffy...

[36:57] James Mason.

[36:58] James Mason type voice.

[36:59] Richard O'Brien.

[37:00] I'm going to say James Mason, not Claude Rains.

[37:01] James...

[37:02] And then there's the really short general who's a coward and his pants fall down.

[37:06] The kind of wizard is.

[37:07] Ed style short.

[37:08] And then there's a bit...

[37:09] The guy who's like a potato chip.

[37:10] He's like a potato.

[37:11] Is that what he is?

[37:12] He's a potato.

[37:12] I honestly couldn't understand what they were supposed to be.

[37:15] He's a potato.

[37:16] So they fight with food for a long time and then...

[37:19] The movie should be over, right?

[37:20] No.

[37:21] Dex has another idea.

[37:22] They're going to put...

[37:23] They're going to cut the power to the main building which will somehow cause a lightning

[37:28] storm that will explode the building.

[37:31] So they have to put tinfoil lightning rods in the shape of different things on the roofs

[37:35] of their buildings.

[37:36] And it's all done to this song about how they can do it.

[37:39] Like they're going to go for the bright side and the right side or something like that.

[37:43] Anyway, long story short, it turns...

[37:46] Mr. Nose, the anti-Semitic guy who's...

[37:48] The anti-Semitic caricature whose job is just smelling things, finds out also that there's

[37:53] an additive in Brand X that makes it addictive and toxic.

[37:57] But also Brand X is really plain and boring.

[37:59] So it's the really addictive food that's super plain and doesn't taste good.

Dan McCoy

[38:04] Again, don't buy generic food, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] But they find out that that's actually an extract from Sunshine Goodness's blood, I guess.

[38:11] They're extracting some juice from her that they're injecting into their food to make

[38:15] it taste...

[38:16] To make it addictive.

[38:17] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[38:18] This is the point in the podcast where people are taking their earbuds out saying like,

[38:22] okay, the three of these guys just hallucinated this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[38:25] They're like, okay, Oogie Loves was a fucking checkoff play next to this.

Dan McCoy

[38:30] That was a model of narrative construction.

[38:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:32] Oogie Loves was a separation next to Food Fight.

[38:35] But anyway, so they're...

[38:37] So they're...

[38:38] They're...

[38:38] What are they?

[38:39] They infiltrate that building.

[38:41] There's this weasel named Cheesy Weasel who, voiced by the director of the movie, who is...

Stuart Wellington

[38:46] Because no one else could bring that character to life.

Elliott Kalan

[38:48] Who's supposed to be like the Peter Lorre Ugarte character from Casablanca.

Stuart Wellington

[38:52] Who's like a frenetic turd.

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] But he's constantly getting hurt.

Stuart Wellington

[38:55] He looks like a scrotum crossed with the weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

[38:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] It's like if the weasels from Roger Rabbit were reincarnated as a hairy scrotum with legs

[39:04] and a long neck that could like turn around like a serpent.

Stuart Wellington

[39:08] Yeah.

[39:09] But the animation wasn't good enough to actually animate that hair stretching.

[39:13] So they just kind of stretched the...

[39:14] The skin.

[39:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:16] And often you see his face...

[39:18] The idea is that his neck is so long that his body is far away and his face is close to you.

[39:22] But the way they framed it, you don't see the neck.

[39:23] So it just looks like he has an enormous head on a tiny body.

[39:27] Anyway, he sneaks in through the sewers.

[39:32] He cuts the power.

[39:33] The building goes nuts.

[39:34] Dex Dogtective comes in with a grappling hook and breaks all the Bacta cloning tanks that they're using.

[39:40] With Sunshine Goodness's secret essence.

[39:43] He manages to save her.

[39:45] They escape from the building when Danger Dan finally pulls off the loop-de-loop that he fucked up in the beginning of the movie.

[39:51] Ruining Dex's proposal.

[39:54] Then evil...

[39:55] Better late than never, you know.

[39:56] It turns out...

[39:57] It all comes full circle.

[39:58] It turns out...

[39:59] Like a loop-de-loop.

[40:00] Then suddenly the bad guys have been destroyed except giant Christopher Lloyd is somehow in Food Town.

[40:05] Wait a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] I thought he was a person in another universe.

Elliott Kalan

[40:08] We thought so too.

[40:09] Turns out he's a robot.

[40:11] He's giant in Food Town.

[40:12] But he's a robot.

[40:13] At this point we were like, what the hell is going on?

[40:15] Turns out he's a robot and Eva Longoria is inside his head.

[40:18] Turns out Eva Longoria was the mascot for a genetically modified prune brand.

Dan McCoy

[40:24] Yeah.

[40:24] She went to Brazil to get plastic surgery to become beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] And she says at one point...

[40:28] It's a common story.

Dan McCoy

[40:30] If you got a Brazilian...

Elliott Kalan

[40:30] They're like, how did you...

[40:31] But you're a...

[40:32] You're a...

[40:32] You're an Ike.

[40:33] How did you get the humans to help you?

[40:35] And she goes, when you have a body like this, it doesn't matter what size you are.

[40:39] Size only counts for men.

[40:40] And there's this shot of the gay bat looking at the squirrel.

[40:43] And it's like going...

[40:44] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[40:45] And it doesn't make sense.

Stuart Wellington

[40:45] And there should be a shot of the three of us with our fucking faces in our hands.

Elliott Kalan

[40:49] Just our jaws dropped.

[40:52] And not in the Tex Avery Wolf like turned on way.

[40:55] In the like, I can't understand.

[40:57] Like, I can't comprehend what I'm seeing.

[41:00] It's like...

[41:00] Too much gay innuendo for this children's food branding movie.

[41:04] There are times in this movie when it's like you're a child and you pick up an adult's book.

[41:08] And you know there's information in it.

[41:10] And there's pictures occasionally.

[41:11] But you can't read it.

[41:12] And you don't know what it means.

[41:14] And you know to somebody this means something.

[41:17] But to you it's incomprehensible gibberish.

[41:19] That's what this movie is like.

Stuart Wellington

[41:20] I feel like I've stumbled into like a sub-basement that's owned by a serial killer.

[41:25] And I see all this crazy shit on the walls.

[41:27] And I can't make sense of it.

[41:28] But to him...

[41:29] But I know it's horrifying.

[41:30] To him there's some evil logic.

[41:32] It's like...

[41:32] Like, why are the eyes cut out of all these pictures?

Elliott Kalan

[41:34] This is like reading the Codex Serafinianus or something.

[41:36] Anyway, so the...

[41:39] Okay, so he said...

[41:41] She starts attacking Dex.

[41:42] And he's like...

[41:43] They're like, he won't fight a woman.

[41:45] He's too noble.

[41:45] He's not gonna do it.

[41:46] And Sunshine Goodness, who's supposed to be the nicest, sweetest character, goes,

[41:50] I'll do it.

[41:51] And then beats the shit out of Eva Longoria.

[41:54] And beats her so hard that her plastic surgery breaks.

[41:58] And she becomes an ugly person again.

[42:00] Which is always hilarious.

[42:01] And frankly, I felt a lot of sympathy for her.

[42:03] Even though she's come in as a Nazi and tried to kill everybody, everyone's like, ha ha,

[42:08] you're ugly.

[42:09] And it's like, well, that's...

[42:10] Okay, so the heroes of the movie are making fun of an ugly person?

[42:13] Like, that's...

[42:14] Yeah, I wonder why she got plastic surgery in the first place, you know?

[42:17] Yeah, with all this fucking peer pressure, making fun of her.

[42:19] So, and then it ends with Dex Dog Detective finally proposing to Sunshine Goodness.

Dan McCoy

[42:24] And have the Jewish wedding of their dreams.

Elliott Kalan

[42:25] And then during the credits, it cuts to their Jewish wedding, where he steps on a milk carton

[42:29] at the end, and it's very...

Stuart Wellington

[42:31] Because milk's addictive, right?

[42:34] It's the booze of their world.

Elliott Kalan

[42:35] Yeah, I guess...

[42:35] Well, you don't step on a wine...

[42:36] It's like Alien Nation, right?

[42:38] Yeah, yeah.

[42:39] They get drunk on milk.

Stuart Wellington

[42:40] You step on a glass, but it's not full of wine.

Elliott Kalan

[42:43] Yeah, sure.

[42:43] Wait, you don't step on milk at a Jewish wedding?

[42:45] You don't step on milk at a Jewish wedding, no.

[42:48] Most Jewish weddings don't even serve milk.

[42:50] It's not...

[42:51] They're not.

[42:52] What weddings do serve milk?

[42:53] Because they want to have a meat dish.

[42:54] It builds strong bones.

[42:55] It does, that's true.

[42:57] Builds very strong bones.

[42:58] Do you go to a lot of weddings where you just order a glass of milk?

[43:00] Yeah, all the time.

[43:01] One milk, please.

[43:03] Sure.

[43:04] I toast with it.

Stuart Wellington

[43:04] Please, hey, Aunt Beru, give me one of them milks.

Elliott Kalan

[43:07] Give me a plastic cup with milk in it from a space cow, Aunt Beru.

[43:11] Uncle Owen, you're telling me about how that vaporator's broken.

[43:13] I gotta fix it tomorrow before I go to Tashi Station.

[43:18] It's the Owen and Beru Catering Company.

[43:21] It's all organic, vaporator-fed meat.

[43:25] Oh, okay.

[43:26] And R2-D2's the waiter.

[43:28] Anyway, C-3PO's the bartender, of course.

[43:31] Anyway, so they have their Jewish wedding where they play an off-brand version of Hava Nagila.

[43:36] Like, even that sounds terrible.

Dan McCoy

[43:37] Yeah, and then they cut to a pop song that is basically the off-brand version of I'm a Believer by the Monkees.

[43:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:44] And, wow, and we're just sitting there being like, what?

[43:48] What did I see?

[43:49] What was this?

Dan McCoy

[43:50] There are a bunch of gags featuring the characters we've grown to love that mystify us yet again.

Elliott Kalan

[43:57] I wonder why they, like, I'm sure they made Dex Jewish as a joke, but, like, I wonder if it was like, you know what, we're going pretty heavy with the Nazi imagery.

[44:05] Just to make sure no one knows we're not, no one thinks we're Nazis, we'll make Dex Jewish at the end.

[44:10] Yeah.

[44:10] And at the end, there's a joke about Sunshine Goodness is like, I want to see what's under your hat finally, and takes off his hat and there's another hat underneath.

[44:18] And it's like, I didn't even fucking realize he had a hat on the whole movie.

[44:22] Like, was it supposed to be a running gag?

[44:23] He's so enthrased by his weird dog head.

Stuart Wellington

[44:25] This weird half-man, half-bargier hybrid.

[44:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:32] Look, we've gone so long on this movie because it is so inexplicable that I think that we need to go straight to final judgments, and that is the question of the night.

[44:42] I think I know what it's going to be.

[44:42] Is it spookily good bad?

[44:44] No, no, is this a good bad movie, a bad, bad movie?

[44:47] It's not shock.

[44:48] It's shock-vember now.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] Oh, it's shock-vember, that's right.

[44:49] It's herk-vember, Turkey Day.

Dan McCoy

[44:51] Is it a good bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked?

[44:54] Elliot, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[44:56] Oh, man, it doesn't get any bad, badder than this.

[44:59] It's one of those movies that's so bad that, like, Dan at one point was like, I want to share this with people because it's so bad because you feel like you want proof that you went through a thing.

[45:10] Like, you want – it's like I assume when someone comes back from a war and they're like, I'm glad you didn't have to go through what I went through.

[45:15] I feel so much closer to you guys right now.

[45:17] But I wish you could have experienced it so you'd know what I experienced.

[45:20] Like, it's so bad, so poorly written, so poorly animated, so poorly voice acted, except for Larry Miller.

[45:27] So poorly, like, everything about it is poorly made.

[45:31] It's a movie that feels like an animation demo reel for a very shitty software company.

[45:36] And somehow they got all these famous – I mean, they got famous actors to do it because they had a huge budget and they didn't spend any of it on the animation.

Dan McCoy

[45:44] For all those reasons, that's why I'm saying that it is a good-bad movie.

[45:48] Oh, no!

[45:49] Because it is – look, it is inexplicable.

[45:54] It is a movie that's –

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] Look, to get to the point where it is good-bad for the viewer, you have to sit through, like, an hour and ten minutes of it until you enter some kind of, like, delusional state.

Dan McCoy

[46:03] Well, it is difficult to make fun of simply because it is so difficult to follow.

[46:09] Like, a really good good-bad movie has a clear narrative thrust.

[46:14] And this movie is so frenetic for a lot of it that it is not necessarily that.

[46:18] But it is so weird.

[46:20] It's very weird.

[46:21] It's such a strange, off-putting, crazy experience that I'll say it is a good-bad movie because it is unlike anything that you'll ever do in your life.

Elliott Kalan

[46:32] If you see only one movie about a dog saving the world of food mascots from a sexy Nazi, make it Food Fight.

[46:42] With a gay elderly bat in it.

Stuart Wellington

[46:44] I feel like most good-bad movies –

[46:47] I think I'm actually leaning closer toward good-bad movies.

[46:50] Really?

[46:51] Yeah.

[46:51] I feel like most good-bad movies have one or two really strange, off-the-wall things that people kind of latch onto.

[46:59] But there's no grounding in this movie.

[47:02] It's so strange and horrifying to look at.

[47:06] Like, there's nothing –

[47:07] You know what?

[47:08] You're turning me around, both of you.

Elliott Kalan

[47:09] I'll say good-bad also.

Stuart Wellington

[47:11] It's not –

[47:12] I do not recommend watching it on your own.

Elliott Kalan

[47:14] You will get no pleasure from it.

[47:16] It's not good-bad the way I thought that, like, Bullet in the Head was good-bad.

[47:18] It was like, that was stupid fun.

[47:20] Like, that was bad.

[47:21] But it was like –

[47:22] It was not –

[47:22] You know, there were things that were just stupid.

Dan McCoy

[47:23] And it's not even good-bad in the way that The Room is good-bad, where it's a delight from start to finish how inept it is.

Elliott Kalan

[47:29] No.

[47:29] But it is a baffling experience.

[47:31] I will say this is a new category that I'll call – that I'll call inexperience.

[47:38] You know, like, it's hard to rate this on the regular scale of good or bad, because it's very bad.

[47:43] But, yeah, it's a singular moment in human history.

Dan McCoy

[47:47] Yeah, you're through the looking glass on this one.

Elliott Kalan

[47:48] Oof, yeah.

[47:49] And on the other hand, it's nothing but dogs having sex with catwomen.

[47:52] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[47:54] Before we move on to letters –

Elliott Kalan

[47:56] And black squirrels having sex with elderly gay bats.

Dan McCoy

[48:00] Before we move on to letters, there are two things I want to address with people.

[48:04] Number one, just a reminder that the –

[48:06] Are you firing us, Dan?

[48:08] No, just number one, just a reminder that the –

[48:10] It's a shit sandwich.

[48:11] The video contest –

[48:13] You're fired.

[48:15] Nice haircut.

[48:16] No, the Flophouse Housecat video contest.

[48:17] The Flophouse Housecat video contest is still on.

[48:18] He's the Housecat Arthur's theme?

[48:21] Yeah, it's still on.

[48:22] Go to the –

[48:22] There's some good stuff out there so far.

[48:24] Yeah.

[48:24] Go to FlophousePodcast.com to download both the green screen footage of us goofing around

[48:31] and He's the Housecat, parentheses, Arthur's theme, to make your video to enter in the He's

[48:38] the Housecat contest.

Elliott Kalan

[48:38] There's been a lot of – there's been some very good entries.

[48:41] So the bar is set very high.

[48:43] So I say put a lot of effort into this.

[48:45] And what do you win if you win, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[48:46] You get a Flophouse t-shirt and the chance to choose a movie for us to flop on a podcast.

[48:52] All America is –

Stuart Wellington

[48:54] America is ducking from the gauntlets being thrown.

[48:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[48:58] Well put.

[48:59] Well put.

[49:00] But for further –

Stuart Wellington

[49:01] That was an Elliot style thing I just said.

Dan McCoy

[49:04] But for a further explication of the contest –

[49:06] You say stuff like that all the time.

[49:08] Yeah.

[49:08] Go to FlophousePodcast.com to the blog section.

[49:12] To our new website?

Stuart Wellington

[49:13] To our brand new website.

[49:14] To our brand new website.

[49:14] Our brand new beautiful website.

[49:16] You want to see something professional done on a computer, watch Food Fight or go see our

Dan McCoy

[49:21] website.

[49:22] Courtesy of a new web designer, Naaman Hampton.

[49:25] Thank you for putting that together.

[49:26] You did a fantastic job.

Elliott Kalan

[49:27] It looks great.

[49:28] Yeah.

[49:28] Way better than the shitty one you put together, Dan.

[49:30] I apologize to everyone.

[49:31] That ugly – what was that, blog spot?

[49:33] It was a blog spot.

[49:33] Terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[49:34] How long do we have that for?

[49:35] Six years?

Dan McCoy

[49:35] Oh, boy.

[49:36] Anyway, moving on to the other announcement.

[49:38] The name did a great job.

[49:40] What's the other big announcement?

[49:41] Are we all getting married?

[49:42] When's the deadline for the Housecat video contest?

[49:44] It is December the 1st.

[49:45] Okay, December 1st.

[49:46] Two days for my birthday.

[49:47] The other announcement is that –

[49:49] December 7th.

[49:50] Our next episode of our show, we will be taking part in a new thing, which is a podcast podcrawl.

[50:00] This was proposed to us from our friends over at the Read It and Weep podcast, which is three podcasts.

[50:09] Read It and Weep, ourselves, and Proudly Resents, three bad movie podcasts, will be covering a linked series of movies.

[50:21] And those movies, in this case, will be the Star Wars prequels.

[50:24] So Read It and Weep will be doing episode one.

[50:26] Classic movies.

[50:27] We will be doing episode two.

[50:29] In the next episode of Plot House.

[50:30] And Proudly Resents will be doing episode three.

[50:33] So if you want to do the podcrawl, you can listen to those three consecutive episodes.

Elliott Kalan

[50:38] Check out Read It and Weep's premiere of the podcrawl with Star Wars episode one, The Phantom Minotaur.

[50:46] So we don't have to watch that one.

[50:48] And we'll be doing Attack of the Clowns.

[50:50] And then finally, it'll be number three on Proudly Resents, Revenge of the Scythe.

[51:02] Revenge of the Scythe.

[51:04] So those are the two announcements.

[51:06] Also, here's a third announcement.

[51:07] What?

[51:07] There's some kind of weird podcast award or something.

[51:10] There's some kind of wonderful.

[51:11] There's some kind of.

[51:12] There's some kind of.

[51:14] There's some kind of Las Vegas podcast award or something.

[51:16] And we're nominated for.

[51:17] You got a podcast awards.

[51:18] And we're nominated for a movie podcast.

[51:20] So we'd appreciate it if you would go and vote for us in the movie podcast category.

[51:25] And there's some stiff competition.

Stuart Wellington

[51:28] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[51:28] Is that an innuendo?

[51:29] Like, I'm not sure.

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:31] So three things to remember.

[51:33] One, make your video for the house cat contest.

[51:35] Two, check out Read It and Weep for the beginning of the pod crawl, which we'll be the part two in.

[51:39] It's a pod crawl flop house sandwich.

[51:41] And three, vote for us at podcastawards.com in the movie category.

[51:45] Dan.

[51:46] That's pretty good.

Dan McCoy

[51:47] Now it's time for the Flophouse movie mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] And I'm just going to break it down, guys.

[51:51] We don't have time for a song.

[51:53] Let's keep moving.

Dan McCoy

[51:53] Yeah.

[51:54] So this first letter.

[51:56] Time for the letters.

[51:57] Oh, my God.

Elliott Kalan

[51:57] First letter here.

[51:58] The first letter of the year.

[52:01] Not really.

[52:02] What?

[52:03] Anyway, continue.

[52:04] The most inaccurate theme.

Stuart Wellington

[52:07] Do, do, do, do.

[52:08] Do you have more song ever yet?

Dan McCoy

[52:11] Do I?

[52:12] What would we do, baby?

[52:14] Without letters.

[52:16] What would we do, baby?

Elliott Kalan

[52:18] Is it time for love and it's time for letters?

[52:21] Let's open the mailbag.

[52:24] You can have a letter here or put it there.

[52:27] Time for the bag.

[52:28] Time for the bag.

Dan McCoy

[52:30] Whatever happened to the letters?

[52:33] The milkman, the paperboy, the evening letters.

[52:37] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[52:38] Letter on the mailbag.

[52:39] Never met him before.

[52:42] Who cares?

[52:43] Open up the mailbag.

Elliott Kalan

[52:46] Thank you for being a mailbag.

[52:49] Travel around the road and back to bag.

[52:52] Your heart is letters.

[52:53] Your rovell and the letter door.

Stuart Wellington

[52:57] Do, do, do, do.

[52:57] Holy shit.

[52:58] Mailbag.

[52:59] All right.

[52:59] Mail, mail, mail, mail, mail.

[53:01] Mail, mail, mail.

[53:02] Mail, mail, mail.

[53:03] Show me that letter again.

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] Show me that letter.

[53:07] Don't waste another mailbag on the song.

[53:10] Why am I joining in?

[53:11] Singing.

Dan McCoy

[53:12] All right.

[53:12] So this first letter is...

Elliott Kalan

[53:15] Seinfeld.

Dan McCoy

[53:17] Letters.

[53:18] First letters from Dr. James A.

[53:20] Last name we've held.

[53:21] Hey there, James.

[53:22] It's a long one.

[53:23] I mean Dr. James.

[53:24] Oh.

[53:25] Mr. Dr. James.

[53:26] This goes back a little while.

[53:28] He says...

[53:29] He says, I just invented fire.

[53:31] I've been a listener of your fine podcast for quite a while and have always enjoyed your

[53:35] commentary.

[53:36] Thanks, James.

[53:37] It was a real treat to see that commentary in action at the showing of Jaws 4 at the 92Y.

[53:42] Oh, back in...

[53:43] Was that March?

[53:43] Back in the summer.

[53:44] Oh no, July.

[53:45] That's right.

[53:46] June.

[53:46] It was a fantastic show and immensely entertaining, but there was something missing from the proceedings.

[53:50] Something mincing?

[53:51] And I feel it would be professionally remiss of me if I didn't bring it up.

[53:55] The treatment of the novelization of Jaws the Revenge was treated with scant, if any,

[54:00] attention.

[54:01] And I think you and the organizers all owe it to yourselves to pick up a copy and read

[54:06] this piece of work.

[54:07] Is it on Kindle?

[54:08] I consider myself something of a...

[54:13] Look at the Jaws head.

[54:14] Something of a 20th century American lit, i.e. difficult literature, literary professional.

[54:22] The novelization of the Jaws 4 in plot points alone rivals anything I've encountered in my

[54:28] studies, graduate or otherwise.

[54:31] It contains digressive plots within digressive plots arranged to a point of confusion that

[54:36] would make Pinchin blush.

[54:37] There are few brief diversions into magical realism.

[54:41] The action and adventure elements are so simultaneously heightened and flattened that they appear more

[54:46] pastiche of action and adventure cliches than actual attempt to compose action and adventure.

[54:51] In effect, Jaws the Revenge may just be the epitome of the postmodern novel.

[54:57] If you'll allow me, I'd like to present this itemized list of the main reasons to read the

[55:01] novelization of Jaws the Revenge.

[55:04] Not in the movie.

[55:14] Thereby merging his vengeance-seeking activities with that of the natural world.

[55:20] So much that each loses a piece of himself.

[55:24] The priest becomes part shark and spirit.

[55:26] What?

[55:27] As the shark becomes part human.

[55:29] To break it down into simpler terms, a voodoo priest possesses the shark.

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] Now, that actually makes more sense than the movie, in which the shark just happens to

[55:37] know their...

[55:37] Just has a grudge.

[55:38] Just has a grudge, and then still travels 3,000 miles.

[55:41] It's an angry shark.

Dan McCoy

[55:42] Like they hit video game.

[55:43] Angry sharks.

[55:44] We get several digressive chapters at the beginning of the book, narrating, from the shark's point

[55:50] of view, the trip from Amity to the Bahamas.

[55:53] Number three, there's a long-involved subplot, so long and involved that it's really more

[55:58] of a main plot of the novel, detailing Hoagie's dealings with a Colombian cartel that uses the

[56:04] Bahamas as the point of departure for smuggling drugs to the U.S.

[56:08] Number four.

[56:09] I'd read that.

[56:10] Attendant to the subplot.

[56:11] A hoagie adventure.

[56:12] There's another long, digressive description of speedboats detailing...

[56:15] It's called a delicious hoagie.

[56:16] How speedboats are made, how they're driven, and why they're optimal for smuggling drugs

[56:21] to the U.S.

[56:22] from the Bahamas.

[56:23] Number five.

[56:24] Attendant to the speedboat subplot.

[56:26] There's another subplot about a hitman character who, similar to the voodoo priest, begins to

[56:31] reflect the shark's naturalist view of the universe, using naturalism in the 19th century

[56:36] literary sense.

[56:38] Number six.

[56:39] Oh.

[56:40] Giving the backstory of the hitman character, we the readers are treated to a whole chapter

[56:43] on the grueling process of transforming cocoa leaves into cocaine powder.

[56:49] So there's a lot of filler in this book where they just put pamphlets in.

[56:52] Yeah.

[56:53] Number seven.

[56:53] Finally, to get back to the main point, a voodoo priest controls the shark.

[56:57] Yeah, now you're talking.

[56:58] I hope you'll take this all into consideration and take a chance and read this bizarre book.

[57:02] Thanks very much for the podcast and the live show.

[57:04] Yours, Dr. James, a last one.

Stuart Wellington

[57:06] Why does the voodoo priest hate the family?

Elliott Kalan

[57:08] He has a grudge against Michael for some reason.

[57:11] Okay.

[57:12] But you don't have to take my word for it.

[57:13] Check out Jaws 4 The Revenge at your local library dumpster.

[57:16] Da-da-da.

[57:19] I do want to read that now.

Dan McCoy

[57:21] Yeah.

[57:21] This second letter is titled, A Suggested Trademark for Dan McCoy.

[57:27] Mm-hmm.

[57:29] Dear Original Peaches.

[57:32] Although the Flophouse community has failed to give Dan our condolences over his recent

[57:36] knee injury, I'd like to suggest a way in which our...

[57:38] I think...

[57:38] No longer that recent.

[57:40] A way in which our hobbled host...

Elliott Kalan

[57:42] The knee injury is almost old enough to celebrate a birthday.

Dan McCoy

[57:45] I mean, it takes a full year to heal, but whatever, guys.

[57:46] While attending the most recent bad movie night screening of Jaws at Revenge, it was a sad

[57:53] sight to witness the flapper's beloved, question mark, host Dan McCoy, slink behind the screen

[57:59] and around the stage to join the audience for the movie.

[58:02] Oh, yeah.

[58:02] All that bitterness and disappointment in his life clearly tipped the scale.

[58:05] It was too bad.

Stuart Wellington

[58:06] We...

Dan McCoy

[58:06] Elliot and I just jumped right off the stage.

Elliott Kalan

[58:08] Hopped up.

[58:09] Hopped up there on the stage, yeah.

[58:10] Yeah.

[58:10] I think you did spinning jump kicks.

[58:11] All right.

[58:12] I actually jumped onto my hands and then did a handspring up onto the stage.

[58:17] Onto your shoulders.

[58:19] And then you did the old fastball special on me.

[58:21] Yeah.

[58:21] All the disappointment in life.

Dan McCoy

[58:22] And you did both your knees.

Elliott Kalan

[58:24] Clearly tipped the scale.

[58:25] I actually did a slide on my knees towards the lip of the stage as if to say, knees!

[58:29] Aren't they great?

Dan McCoy

[58:30] And can no longer stand to house itself in the dark recesses of his mind, instead manifesting

[58:36] itself as a painful, crippling injury in his knee to counter all the disturbed and perverted

[58:41] thoughts forever circulating in his head.

[58:43] So it's like the brood, but it's just your knee getting hurt.

[58:45] What a contrast when compared to Stuart, who sat in front of me during the movie and blinded

[58:50] me with his boozy, ethereal glow, which in radiance could only be rivaled by the inexplicable

[58:57] halo around Lorraine Gary while Ellen Brody was vacationing in the Bahamas.

[59:00] Could this indicate that both she and Stuart are sharing a menopausal romance with a man

[59:06] named Hoagie?

Stuart Wellington

[59:08] I'll leave you to be the judge.

[59:09] We both want Hoagies in our mouths.

Dan McCoy

[59:12] Anyway.

[59:13] Whoa.

Stuart Wellington

[59:14] I don't even need to wink.

Dan McCoy

[59:15] Meanwhile, there was Elliot, the troll, who is not worth talking about.

[59:20] Observing Dan, I recall the long ago discussion about what his shtick would be.

[59:24] Perhaps his sorrow has built over the years because the podcast format has deprived him of one

[59:29] of his greatest comedic tools.

[59:31] Props.

[59:31] His knees.

[59:33] Oh, you could be a prop comic, Dan.

[59:34] Yeah, there you go.

[59:35] And what better prop in his current condition than a cane?

[59:40] I'll refer you back to the classic news radio episode.

[59:42] Michael Caine.

[59:42] Hoagie from Jaws of Revenge.

[59:44] I'll refer you back to the classic news radio episode, The Cane, where Phil Hartman learned

[59:49] the unlimited benefits of a cane, including pointing, twirling, and brandishing it like a sword.

[59:54] When out for a stroll, use Bill McNeil's classic line,

[59:58] Beautiful day out there.

[1:00:00] Perfect cane weather.

[1:00:02] Please consider the possibilities.

[1:00:05] With that said, thank you for the wonderful evening of all the shows I've seen recently in New York.

[1:00:09] None have left me so bruised by laughter as the bad movie night, quite literally.

[1:00:14] After three hours of commentary, PowerPoint presentations, a Michael Caine cameo,

[1:00:18] and a live reading of Elliot's Jaws slash taking of Pelham screenplay,

[1:00:21] Oh, that was fun.

[1:00:22] My jaw felt sore.

[1:00:23] Those were either big laughs, or I'm a morose bastard whose inability to smile and feel joy

[1:00:28] rivals only one man alive.

[1:00:30] I think he's talking about me.

[1:00:31] Oh.

[1:00:32] The shame that my friend,

[1:00:34] the shame is my friend and fellow flopper, Christopher, could not attend,

[1:00:37] despite the advanced notice he had,

[1:00:39] using studying the bar as his excuse.

[1:00:42] Meanwhile, I was sitting two rows from David Kalin.

[1:00:45] I think it's clear.

[1:00:47] The sports star extraordinaire.

[1:00:49] I think it's clear which was the better evening.

[1:00:50] Once you consider how much unwanted sports trivia I was sitting so close to.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:56] Yeah, you left with a lethal case of sports that was contained.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:59] Yours, Charlie, last name withheld.

[1:01:01] Thanks, Charlie.

[1:01:02] Thanks for the kind words.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:02] Yeah, glad you enjoyed the show.

[1:01:04] In the words of David Kalin, that was a real slam dunk.

[1:01:07] As David Kalin would say, touchdown!

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:12] Goal!

[1:01:14] As David Kalin would say, I'm envious of my brother.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:20] As David Kalin would say, read my letter on your podcast!

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] Nothing brings...

[1:01:27] Yesterday I encountered something...

[1:01:28] It's true.

[1:01:29] Nothing brings me...

[1:01:30] No, a few things can bring me greater joy than the fact that there's this sports writer

[1:01:33] who follows me on Twitter and my brother follows him.

[1:01:36] I don't follow him.

[1:01:37] I don't care about sports.

[1:01:39] And I think he listens to the podcast.

[1:01:41] And thank you very much for listening.

[1:01:42] But it's just like, I love that my brother follows this guy who will mention me occasionally

[1:01:46] on Twitter.

[1:01:47] Can't escape me, Dave.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:49] We're running late.

[1:01:50] So one last letter.

[1:01:51] This one's titled, Prophesying M. Night Shyamalan's Plagiarisms.

[1:01:57] Mm-hmm.

[1:01:58] Dear Original Peaches.

[1:02:00] That's us!

[1:02:01] In the podcast for Knowing, incidentally, a movie about predicting disasters...

[1:02:05] Yep.

[1:02:06] Too bad they couldn't predict knowing.

[1:02:07] You guys collaboratively predicted, with uncanny precision, the plot of M. Night Shyamalan's

[1:02:13] After Earth.

[1:02:15] And you even predicted he would steal it back from Alex Proys, who stole it from him.

[1:02:21] Excerpted from your conversation.

[1:02:22] Now, he has a little playlet here where we have...

[1:02:25] Should we play ourselves?

[1:02:26] I feel like we should play each other.

[1:02:27] Okay.

[1:02:29] Elliot, you play Stuart.

[1:02:30] Okay.

[1:02:31] I'll play Elliot.

[1:02:32] And Stuart, you play Dan.

[1:02:33] Okay.

[1:02:34] Okay, so I'm Stuart.

[1:02:36] Okay.

[1:02:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:36] You can call it Earth 2 or Orth, dude.

[1:02:40] I thought the Meowvie was really good.

[1:02:42] A real twist on there and that ending.

[1:02:44] I bet M. Night Shyamalan was watching that really meowed.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:49] You stole my twist.

[1:02:50] It's true.

[1:02:52] It's me, M. Night Shyamalan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:55] No.

[1:02:56] Guys, if M. Night Shyamalan made the movie, it would be totally clear at the end that the

[1:03:02] movie that the planet we see is actually Earth.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:07] And there'd be a big sign that said, welcome to Earth.

[1:03:10] Earth original, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:14] Population 2.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:16] And now I'm just going to ad-lib to Stuart for a little bit.

[1:03:19] Cowabunga party.

[1:03:20] Coors Light, dude.

[1:03:21] Meow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:22] What's the use?

[1:03:24] Why bother?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:25] Boobs, please.

[1:03:27] That's true.

[1:03:28] I'm basically E-Words.

[1:03:29] I'll order two.

[1:03:31] So anyway, the email ends, please discuss your impending lawsuit, if possible, in a podcast

[1:03:38] about After Earth.

[1:03:39] I mean, that podcast, I'm sure, is forthcoming.

[1:03:42] Oh, I want to.

[1:03:43] I want to do After Earth really badly.

[1:03:44] That email is from Doug, last name withheld.

[1:03:47] Doug Jones, I assume.

[1:03:48] Doug Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:49] Thanks for writing in, Doug, and reminding us that M. Night Shyamalan owes us some money.

[1:03:54] Some scratch.

[1:03:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:55] Some sweet cheddar.

[1:03:58] Who says that?

[1:03:59] Is that like cheddar cheese with sugar on it?

[1:04:02] That's cheddar that you have on top of a slice of apple pie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:05] Oh, man.

[1:04:06] So American that day, Ann McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:08] So what's the next part of this fucking shit?

[1:04:11] Wow.

[1:04:13] Way to dismiss the podcast that has been your bread and butter, my friend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:16] Yeah, you're living off this thing.

[1:04:18] I live off bread and butter.

[1:04:19] That's how I get this body.

[1:04:20] Because we don't make a lot of money from the podcast.

[1:04:23] All you can afford is bread and some butter.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:25] The next segment, and the final segment, is recommendations.

[1:04:29] Movies that we enjoyed that we recommend that you watch instead of Food Fight.

[1:04:36] I don't know.

[1:04:37] Should we just all recommend Food Fight?

[1:04:39] We'll run out of time.

[1:04:40] Whatever.

[1:04:41] The psychedelic mind freak that was Food Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:45] Look, it was Food Fight's happening and it freaks us out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:47] You like a little body horror?

[1:04:49] Watch Food Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:50] If you want to know what it's like if they hired David Cronenberg to make a kid's movie and then David Cronenberg said,

[1:04:57] no, this is too scary for me to work on.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:00] I'm going to jump in.

[1:05:02] If you are looking to watch an animated movie and you watch Food Fight and it terrifies you and you feel unclean and you want to feel better about yourself,

[1:05:12] I would go pop in a Laserdisc of The Last Unicorn.

[1:05:18] I mean, that is on DVD.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:20] Yeah.

[1:05:20] No, you should watch it on Laserdisc.

[1:05:22] Jeff Bridges and Mia Farrow starring in The Last...

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:25] With a soundtrack by America.

[1:05:26] If you haven't seen The Last Unicorn, who the fuck are you?

[1:05:30] What's wrong with you?

[1:05:31] Yeah.

[1:05:31] If you have seen it, you know...

Dan McCoy

[1:05:32] You clearly didn't have HBO in the early 80s.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:34] I'll tell you that.

[1:05:37] It's great.

[1:05:38] It's the story about, I guess, The Last Unicorn.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:42] Wait, have you seen this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:43] I've seen it a shitload of times.

[1:05:45] You don't seem to know anything about it.

[1:05:47] The Last Unicorn is one of those movies I've seen so many times.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:49] Based on the Peter S. Beagle book of the same name.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:52] And that's a book that...

[1:05:53] I don't know how you guys feel, but it's a book that I've never read.

[1:05:57] I've never read it.

[1:05:58] I hear it's great, but I'm nervous about reading it because I love the movie so much that it'll...

[1:06:04] I'm worried that it will...

[1:06:06] Like, I hear it's so good that it will negatively affect my opinion of the movie.

[1:06:09] I don't know about that.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:10] Like, I read it.

[1:06:11] I really liked it.

[1:06:12] It is maybe the most 1970s book that has ever existed.

[1:06:17] Okay.

[1:06:18] So that may...

[1:06:19] The Last Unicorn wife swamps?

[1:06:21] Prevent you from loving it as much as...

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:23] More than Shadow of the Torturer by Gene Wolfe, where two guys get in a duel with poisonous flowers.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:28] It's a very enjoyable book, but it also has, like, a weird fuzziness of the era.

[1:06:37] Okay.

[1:06:38] That sounds pretty cool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:38] So Last Unicorn, do you recommend the sequel?

[1:06:40] Last Unicorn 2.

[1:06:41] Hey, we found another unicorn.

[1:06:43] Hey, we're wrong, guys.

[1:06:45] I didn't even know they made that.

[1:06:45] He was in that one.

[1:06:46] It's also Mia Farrow.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:48] Yeah.

[1:06:48] Yep.

[1:06:49] And it's...

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:51] And let's just say Wayne Knight.

[1:06:54] Rachel Dredge.

[1:06:54] Wayne Knight.

[1:06:55] It's Wayne Knight and Rachel Dredge.

[1:06:58] They made it last year.

[1:06:59] Yeah.

[1:07:00] So the Last Unicorn...

[1:07:02] It's Emma Roberts.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:03] And it's the second-to-last unicorn.

[1:07:04] Oh, wow.

[1:07:05] Second-to-last unicorn.

[1:07:06] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:06] The first Last Unicorn was the second-to-last unicorn.

[1:07:08] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:09] The penultimate unicorn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:10] That was the penultimate unicorn.

[1:07:12] This is the ultimate unicorn.

[1:07:12] That's what they were going to call it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:14] But they realized that nobody understood what that meant.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:16] Yeah.

[1:07:17] Yeah.

[1:07:17] And so they wanted a super clear title, like The Last Unicorn.

[1:07:19] Mm-hmm.

[1:07:20] All right.

[1:07:21] I'll take it.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:21] So that was my last recommendation, guys.

[1:07:23] Forever?

[1:07:24] Question mark.

[1:07:25] Dan.

[1:07:25] I'll recommend a movie that I had the pleasure of seeing on the big screen.

[1:07:30] On a plane, of course.

[1:07:32] Well, as big a screen as I can get on a plane.

[1:07:34] All right.

[1:07:34] Anyway, it's called The Internship.

[1:07:37] I saw it at the Brooklyn Academy of Music.

[1:07:40] Was it Don John?

[1:07:41] I saw that.

[1:07:41] That was big.

[1:07:42] No, I saw Godzilla.

[1:07:44] Okay.

[1:07:45] Brooklyn Academy of Music.

[1:07:45] Starring Matthew Broderick.

[1:07:47] No.

[1:07:48] No.

[1:07:48] The original Japanese film.

[1:07:51] So you mean Gojira.

[1:07:53] Yeah.

[1:07:53] This is the third annual puppetry on film series that BAM has been doing, co-sponsored by the

[1:08:03] Jim Henson Foundation.

[1:08:05] And this was their-

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:06] Which is for puppets who didn't save enough money to retire on.

[1:08:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:10] This is the-

[1:08:10] Yes.

[1:08:11] This is the Men in Suits night.

[1:08:13] I watched Godzilla and Aliens, which I don't need to recommend because I've-

[1:08:20] I'm sure everyone is listening to this.

[1:08:21] Everyone's seen it.

[1:08:22] If you haven't, you stop listening right now and go see Aliens.

[1:08:25] Between the ages of 13 and 20, I probably saw it about 30 times myself.

[1:08:29] But it played like gangbusters on a big screen.

[1:08:32] But Godzilla, this is the first time I'd seen the original movie.

[1:08:37] And what- I knew that it was a somber movie.

[1:08:40] I knew that it was a movie that dealt with sort of Japan's relationship to the nuclear bomb

[1:08:45] and nuclear power in general.

[1:08:47] But yeah, it surprised me how much it was placed in kind of the tradition of serious Japanese post-war cinema in general.

[1:08:58] Like the tone of it is very serious and then there's a giant lizard in it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:03] But from that movie, you would never guess that like toys of Godzilla would become a common thing.

[1:09:09] Or that there'd be like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

[1:09:11] It is a very sad, traumatic movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:14] If you like that, you should also watch another movie that features men wearing giant suits.

[1:09:18] It's a movie called Pacific Rim.

[1:09:20] Maybe you've heard of it.

[1:09:21] Very somber movie.

[1:09:22] Very somber.

[1:09:23] Very serious.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:24] Dealing with-

[1:09:24] I'll never forget the sadness of the moment where his giant sword cuts through the wing of a giant monster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:32] And it's crazy that they made those monsters look so realistic with a guy inside of them.

[1:09:36] Yeah, yeah.

[1:09:36] No, not at all.

[1:09:38] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] But that is a good movie.

[1:09:40] The original Gorgia.

[1:09:40] And try to see that and not the Americanized version with Raymond Burr.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:43] Yeah, I did not see the one that has Raymond Burr in it or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:46] Which, for me as a kid, I must have watched the Raymond Burr Godzilla several dozen times.

[1:09:51] Like, I watched the Godzilla movies over and over again as a kid.

[1:09:53] Yeah, judging by your letters to GFan alone.

[1:09:56] You've seen it dozens of times.

[1:09:57] There's a reason I have a lifetime subscription to GFan.

[1:10:00] I've been there.

[1:10:01] Look, I remember the days before it was a glossy mag.

[1:10:03] And I remember the days when it stopped being a glossy mag.

[1:10:05] But as an adult seeing the original Japanese cut when they first kind of re-released it to American theaters about ten years ago or so,

[1:10:16] I remember what a shock it was to me.

[1:10:18] And what, like a revelation to see this serious treatment of this subject, you know.

[1:10:23] Yeah.

[1:10:24] And how much it really made less sense to me that a movie like Godzilla vs. Megalon eventually came about where it's just like a cartoon character fighting a giant bug monster, you know.

[1:10:34] Anywho, I'll recommend my movie now.

[1:10:36] I'm going to recommend a movie that may still be on Netflix Instant right now so you can literally watch it at this moment at your fingertips.

[1:10:44] And it's a movie called Walker starring Ed Harris.

[1:10:47] You're thinking of Walker, Texas Ranger.

[1:10:49] I am not.

[1:10:50] It's a TV show.

[1:10:51] That's not a movie.

[1:10:52] It doesn't count.

[1:10:52] This is a 1987 film, Walker, directed by Alex Cox.

[1:10:56] And it's basically the movie that ended Alex Cox's big budget filmmaking career.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:02] Now you may know Alex Cox from Repo Man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:04] Repo Man, Sin and Nancy.

[1:11:05] He had, I think, just made Sin and Nancy.

[1:11:08] And they said, okay, we're going to give you a bigger budget, which was like $6 million or something, which at the time in 1987 was a huge – was not an enormous budget but a big enough budget.

[1:11:17] And he said, okay, I want to make this period film based on the true story of William Walker who was kind of an American adventurer who traveled around Latin America overthrowing governments for the most part and went to Nicaragua in the 1850s and made himself dictator of Nicaragua for about two years before being overthrown.

[1:11:36] And became increasingly unhinged as the movie portrays him.

[1:11:40] And I'm going to do it explicitly as a statement about America's current actions in Latin America and Nicaragua.

[1:11:47] And what comes out of it is this movie that is kind of like if Terry Gilliam made a history movie that had a political point to it where it's very over the top and like they're funny moments but it's also very like stylized, messagey and dramatic.

[1:12:05] In a way that I liked a lot and there are some action scenes that I liked a lot in it.

[1:12:09] But he uses purposeful anachronism increasingly as the movie gets on.

[1:12:15] Like for instance, there's a scene I was not prepared for because I knew very little about this movie when I first started watching it.

[1:12:20] Where two characters are discussing that Walker has taken over Nicaragua and what they're going to do.

[1:12:24] And they're in a carriage.

[1:12:25] It's the 1850s.

[1:12:26] But they're reading copies of Time and Newsweek that have photographs of Ed Harris as Walker on the cover.

[1:12:32] And it's not – there's no close-up of the magazines.

[1:12:35] It's not called attention to.

[1:12:36] Like you have to notice it.

[1:12:37] And then the anachronisms become increasingly obvious.

[1:12:41] But not – they're not breaking the skin of the movie because they're so clearly purposeful to the point where kind of history and the present eventually collide to a point.

[1:12:51] In a lot of ways, it's a movie that's kind of like a political cartoon in film form.

[1:12:55] But I enjoyed it a lot.

[1:12:56] I thought it was really entertaining and interesting and not – just something I was not expecting at all.

[1:13:02] So Walker with Ed Harris.

[1:13:06] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:07] Walker, Texas Drank.

[1:13:08] Sounds good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:09] Oh, and Joe Strummer does the score too.

[1:13:10] So for all you Clash fans.

[1:13:13] Yeah.

[1:13:14] Nobody likes that band.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:16] Nobody, yeah.

[1:13:17] What, the only band that matters?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:19] You mean the only band that family matters?

[1:13:22] The Urkel band.

[1:13:24] Urkel band.

[1:13:25] The Steve Urkel band, yeah.

[1:13:27] Stefan Urkel.

[1:13:27] When Stefan Urkel and Joe Strummer had that band together.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:33] So thanks for listening.

[1:13:36] And I think that brings another podcast to a close.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:40] Man, I'm so proud of us that Food Fight didn't break us.

[1:13:43] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:44] We kept it pretty tight.

[1:13:46] No, we didn't.

[1:13:47] I mean, I don't know for sure that it doesn't break.

[1:13:51] I feel like –

[1:13:52] We should be talking about this after the show.

[1:13:53] If a week goes by where we – like one of us doesn't go mad and start killing people, then we'll know that we conquered Food Fight.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:00] Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[1:14:02] Start bleeding from the eyeballs.

[1:14:04] Chopping people with glasses.

[1:14:04] If in seven days we're not all dead, then we conquered Food Fight.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:07] Yeah.

[1:14:08] Scan the AP wires, guys.

[1:14:09] Make sure that we got through okay.

[1:14:13] So, but until then, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:14:17] That's your cue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:18] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:19] I'm still Stuart Wellington.

[1:14:21] Thanks.

[1:14:21] And I will always be Elliot Kalin, no matter how hard I try.

[1:14:25] Good night, everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:26] See ya.

[1:14:28] Would wanna be ya.

[1:14:30] Yeah.

[1:14:38] Can you feel the flop baby grow in there?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:40] It's kicking.

[1:14:41] The baby's kicking inside Dan's belly.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:44] Oh, God.

[1:14:45] Look, I've just had a few beers.

[1:14:47] I'm not pregnant.

[1:14:49] Yet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:49] We'll see how this episode goes.

[1:14:52] High five.

[1:14:53] Take off our flop condoms.

[1:14:55] Condoms are already coming from.

[1:14:55] Flop house house condoms.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:58] Russ Broing?

[1:15:00] Snigger.

[1:15:02] What?

[1:15:02] What is that?

[1:15:03] That's the sound of all your penis coming out of your pants.

[1:15:05] Oh, that's Wolverine's penis?

[1:15:07] Yeah.

[1:15:08] Thank you.

The Flop House: Episode #138 - Foodfight!

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