The Flop House: Episode #139 - Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this, our contribution to the 2013 Podcrawl, we discuss Attack of the Clones.

[0:08] And remember, you only have until December 1st to get those He's the Housecat music video contest entries in.

[0:16] So get to it.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Stuart.

[0:48] And everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] Stuart's last name is Wellington, by the way.

Dan McCoy

[0:54] Like the beef that bears his name.

[0:57] Not Stuart Pankin of that necessarily the news.

[1:02] You may remember, not carrot necessarily the news.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] Not Stuart Panko, which is the breading you find on a lot of Asian food.

Dan McCoy

[1:13] If you're going to make Stuart Tempura, you want some Stuart Panko.

[1:16] Yep, yep.

[1:18] I don't get it.

[1:20] Oh boy.

[1:20] This is neither an early days of HBO podcast, nor is it a cooking podcast.

[1:25] What is it, Dan?

[1:26] Bad Movies podcast.

[1:28] Where we...

[1:29] Watch a bad movie.

[1:30] Okay.

[1:31] And then talk about it.

[1:32] Yep.

[1:32] Step one, watch a bad movie.

[1:34] We already watched a bad movie.

[1:35] Step two, talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] Now Dan, I believe this is a special episode.

[1:38] How so?

[1:38] It's a crossover, if you will?

[1:40] Well, this is the episode where...

Stuart Wellington

[1:41] This is where we threw off the chains of Dan's oppression of making us watch recently released

[1:46] bad movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:46] This is a very special episode where we deal with your addiction to angel dust.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] I don't have a problem.

[1:52] You have a problem.

[1:54] I can stop whenever I want.

[1:55] Don't mind if I do.

Dan McCoy

[1:56] All right.

[1:57] Well, I guess he doesn't have a problem, guys.

[1:59] You know how they get it?

Stuart Wellington

[2:00] It's technically the dandruff from Angel's Heads.

[2:03] Elliot turned to angel dust when he was auditioning for that role as a Micro Machines pitchman.

[2:08] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] It's the only thing that can keep me talking fast enough.

[2:11] But it wasn't fast enough.

[2:13] Should have taken devil dust.

[2:15] Excuse me.

[2:16] I have to wig out and jump out a window, a la Helen Hunt.

Dan McCoy

[2:19] You sounded like a behind-the-music narrator.

[2:23] It was the only thing that could keep him talking fast enough.

[2:25] But it wasn't fast enough.

Elliott Kalan

[2:27] Unfortunately, it wasn't fast enough.

[2:29] He was running as fast as he could, but life runs a little faster.

[2:33] It soon caught up with him.

[2:35] And he was caught in a net of his own devising.

[2:39] A net he tied in his work as a fisherman.

[2:42] What?

[2:43] Okay.

[2:45] Flash forward.

[2:47] He had hit rock bottom, literally falling to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

[2:51] You would say, isn't there a river down there?

[2:53] Yes, but it was dry that year.

[2:57] This is a very special episode.

[2:59] So years later, sticks and stones might break his bones.

[3:03] And they did.

[3:04] As the members of sticks and the cast of the TV show Bones attacked him.

[3:11] Oh, it's stones that hurt, not bones.

[3:13] Yeah, the rolling stones.

[3:13] As the members of sticks and the rolling stones broke his pictures of the members of Bones.

[3:18] Sticks and Bones.

[3:20] Think about it.

[3:21] Okay.

[3:21] Let's go back in time and change the saying to sticks and bones.

Stuart Wellington

[3:23] Think of the black line posters you could get with that saying on them.

Dan McCoy

[3:28] So what's special about this episode, Dan?

[3:30] This is part of a brand new thing, unless someone else invented it.

[3:35] But it's a pod crawl.

[3:36] It's still pretty new, I guess.

[3:39] Wherein we're doing this in concert with two other bad movie podcasts.

[3:44] Number one, read it and weep.

[3:47] And number three, proudly resents.

[3:49] And we are number two in the lineup.

Elliott Kalan

[3:50] And what is a pod crawl?

[3:52] Explain it.

Dan McCoy

[3:53] A pod crawl.

[3:54] The idea was we would take a linked series of movies.

[3:59] And during a month, in this case, the month of November, the month we are in now.

[4:03] Watch those movies and release them in order.

[4:07] And so last week, read it and weep, watched episode one.

[4:13] Of what?

[4:14] Episode one of?

[4:15] Of the Star Wars films.

[4:17] Yeah, they watched episode one of The Wire.

[4:19] The Phantom Menace.

[4:21] Oh, The Phantom Menace.

[4:23] And we watched tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] Which means no menace, right?

[4:26] Just a phantom.

[4:28] Attack of the Clowns.

[4:30] Star Wars Episode 2, Send in the Clowns.

[4:34] Proudly Resents.

[4:35] This is your A-plus material.

[4:37] Star Wars Episode 2.

[4:38] The magazine wants their money back.

[4:39] Everybody likes a clone, so why don't you?

Dan McCoy

[4:44] And Proudly Resents, in a week or so, we'll do Revenge of the Sith.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] We're all watching these shitty Star Wars prequels.

[4:50] Star Wars Episode 3, Revenge of the Nerds.

[4:52] Yeah.

[4:54] Nerds in Paradise.

[4:56] That was the second one, right?

[4:58] I think it was the 50th one.

[5:00] Real quick.

[5:00] Maybe it was the second one.

[5:01] Which one was Nerds in Love?

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] That's...

[5:04] Wait.

[5:04] They're all in love.

[5:05] In all of them, right?

[5:06] No, but there's one called Nerds in Love.

[5:07] It's a movie about love.

[5:08] Okay.

[5:08] And about tricking someone into love by wearing a Darth Vader helmet.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] Hey, Darth Vader.

[5:13] He's a character who came out of the movie we just watched.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:16] And what movie was that, Dan?

[5:17] It was Revenge of the Clowns.

[5:19] What?

[5:20] It was...

[5:20] Attack of the Clowns.

[5:23] Stone Walks Episode 2.

Dan McCoy

[5:26] Revenge of the Clowns.

[5:27] We watched Captain EO tonight.

[5:29] In 3D.

[5:31] We watched Robert Zadar Wars.

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] It's the story of a race of people with huge faces who are fighting...

[5:39] They have chin fights.

[5:40] They have chin fights.

[5:41] And at the end, they go...

[5:42] I love the practical effects.

[5:43] They yell, Tangle!

[5:45] Stuart, there were no effects.

[5:47] That was his face.

[5:49] The ultimate special effect.

[5:51] So, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[5:53] Because Robert Zadar's face is the ultimate special effect.

Dan McCoy

[5:56] Off the top of...

[5:57] Topics 2.

[5:58] The art of Robert Zadar's face.

[6:00] I just want to acknowledge something before we get too deep into this.

[6:03] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[6:03] Before we get Episode 2, Attack of the Clowns deep.

Dan McCoy

[6:06] We were a little concerned that the Star Wars bone has been cleaned of comedy.

[6:15] Cracked open.

[6:16] Yep.

[6:16] Sucked of its marrow.

[6:18] And discarded in the compactor from the first Star Wars.

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] The bone itself was ground up to make Star Wars bread.

[6:25] Yeah.

[6:26] For a star giant.

[6:28] But, um...

Dan McCoy

[6:29] I don't know.

[6:30] I mean, Stuart, we actually watched your DVD copy of Attack of the Clones.

[6:35] Okay.

[6:35] I'm going to out you.

Elliott Kalan

[6:36] Yeah.

[6:37] Well, that's one of those things that...

[6:38] Normally, I'd think people would be like, Stuart owns that?

[6:40] That's nerdy.

[6:41] But I know that when Stuart reveals he does something ultra nerdy, everyone's like...

[6:45] Oh, that's so sexy.

[6:46] That's so sexy that he plays role-playing games.

[6:48] Total sploosh.

[6:49] That's so sexy that he reads 70s sci-fi novels.

[6:53] All these things that would be nerdy if Elliot did it.

[6:55] If Stuart does it, it's totally sexified.

[6:57] He's got fucking Warcraft novels.

Dan McCoy

[6:59] He's the sexiest man on the street.

[7:00] Well, they're Warhammer novels.

[7:01] Yeah, it's not fucking Warcraft novels.

[7:02] Whatever.

[7:03] Get the fuck out of here.

[7:03] Come on.

[7:04] Warcraft, Warhammer.

[7:06] They're very different.

[7:06] Yeah, completely different.

[7:07] Dan, don't embarrass us.

[7:09] Completely different IPs.

[7:11] IPs.

[7:12] So, but then...

[7:13] As a lawyer would say.

[7:14] Where I was getting to with this, though, was like, Stuart may have seen this movie multiple

[7:18] times.

[7:19] I believe Elliot and I, we haven't seen this since the theater.

Elliott Kalan

[7:22] I think the theater was the first time I saw this, and it's sad that I remember...

[7:25] I think I saw it twice in the theater.

Stuart Wellington

[7:26] Yeah.

[7:26] But I'm a big nerd.

[7:28] I remember...

[7:29] Except that that's apparently...

Elliott Kalan

[7:29] The women are like, oh, he saw Star Wars Episode 2 twice.

[7:33] Oh.

[7:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:34] Like, I totally...

[7:35] Calgon, take me away.

[7:36] That doesn't mean I'm not a nerd.

Elliott Kalan

[7:38] No, anyway.

[7:39] But the point is, we're coming to this relatively fresh.

[7:40] Well, what's weird is that there's so many movies I've liked more that I remember less

[7:45] well than this one, which I don't like.

[7:48] Yeah.

[7:48] And I saw it once, and watching it again, I was like, oh, yeah, this scene.

[7:51] Oh, yeah, this scene.

[7:52] Like, I remembered it so well.

[7:54] And I don't know why it, for such a fairly generic movie, imposed itself onto my memory so strongly.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] Well, because, you know, Star Wars imprinted upon you at a young age, and that meant that

[8:07] anything bearing that name seemed important to you, no matter how bad it was.

Elliott Kalan

[8:11] I actually imprinted on Star Wars when I hatched.

[8:13] The first thing I saw was Star Wars, and so I thought I was a Star War.

[8:16] You thought?

[8:17] And I followed it around, I thought it was my mommy.

[8:19] Yeah.

[8:21] Yeah, I imprinted on it.

[8:23] Yeah, okay.

[8:23] Anyway, but you're right.

[8:24] Like, so growing up, Star Wars, speaking for myself, can't speak for you guys, was hugely

[8:28] important.

[8:29] I spent a lot of time reading, like, the ancillary novels and guides to the various characters

[8:33] and ships and planets.

[8:35] That's interesting.

[8:36] Playing your Dark Forces on PC and things like that.

[8:39] Yeah, sure.

[8:39] Shadows of the Empire for the N64.

Stuart Wellington

[8:41] Kyle Katarn is in the Dark Forces game, right?

[8:43] Yeah.

[8:44] There's a Jedi named Kyle.

[8:46] I went the other way.

Elliott Kalan

[8:47] The first Jedi, the hero of the first movie is named Luke.

Stuart Wellington

[8:50] Come on.

[8:50] Yeah, Skywalker, dude.

Dan McCoy

[8:51] That's a cool guy.

[8:52] I gotta say, like, I went the other way in my love of Star Wars, which is I loved the

[8:57] Star Wars movies, but I loved them.

[8:59] And because I loved them, I viewed other Star Wars stuff as non-canonical.

[9:05] I don't want to waste my time with that.

[9:07] I mean, that seems super nerdy to me.

[9:08] I did love to get the toys and play with them.

[9:12] See, I never played with the toys.

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] I loved the movies as a kid, and I read the books when I was in, like, late elementary

[9:18] and middle school.

[9:18] And it was like, I wanted to learn everything about this universe, and I think I wasn't

[9:24] It's coming very handy in later life.

[9:26] It kind of has in my day job.

[9:28] Yeah, that's true.

[9:29] That's what I tell my wife all the time.

[9:31] She says, when we have kids, they're not gonna watch TV all the time.

[9:34] And I say, look, if I didn't watch TV all the time as a kid, I wouldn't be able to do

[9:36] my job today.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] They're gonna watch, like, fucking space holograms and shit.

[9:40] I don't think so.

Elliott Kalan

[9:41] I mean, my kids are gonna grow up in the next couple of years, probably.

[9:44] Probably.

[9:45] It's not gonna be like the year 2057, you know.

[9:47] With their robo nannies.

[9:49] In their moon playhouses.

[9:52] Anyway, so, like, but Star Wars was a big thing, and I learned about every little bit

[9:55] of it.

[9:56] And I think I started to ease off of it before the prequels came out.

[10:01] So, but when the prequels came out, there was still that rush of, like, a new Star Wars

[10:04] thing.

[10:05] Like, I know the old ones so well.

[10:06] Like, just hearing the music gets me to, like, shudder in an excited way.

[10:10] You know, it brings back those memories.

[10:11] And then the prequels were like...

[10:12] Stimulates your prostate.

[10:14] Yep.

[10:15] And then the prequels came out, and it was like, well, you know what?

[10:18] This was a fun thing when I was a kid.

[10:20] Yeah.

[10:20] Like, I kind of, I slowed off childish things for a little bit.

[10:24] And you know what?

Dan McCoy

[10:25] Like, this is an argument that actually my brother has made to me that, like, he's like,

[10:29] you know what?

[10:30] The originals were silly.

[10:31] They weren't as good as you think.

[10:33] Like...

[10:33] Well, I disagree with that.

[10:35] Yeah, well, no, like, I do too.

[10:36] But, like, he's like...

[10:38] He wasn't defending the prequels per se, but he was like...

[10:42] I think he was saying that people were unduly hard on the prequels because they were unduly

[10:46] soft on the original movies.

[10:48] But the original movies were silly.

[10:50] I agree with that.

[10:51] But silly in such a smarter way.

Elliott Kalan

[10:53] But silly in the way of, like, this is a fun adventure.

[10:57] Yeah.

[10:57] Whereas you watch the prequels, and you're like, this is a boring, like, exposition-filled

[11:01] slog, and the characters are really lame.

Dan McCoy

[11:04] There's a lot of people sitting around conference tables talking about things.

Elliott Kalan

[11:06] So many scenes of people sitting around talking about stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[11:10] You could say the original trilogy had some kind of, like, a pulp sensibility to it, which

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] this doesn't.

[11:16] In Star Wars, there's a scene where they're sitting around a table talking in the Millennium

[11:19] Falcon.

[11:20] They're sitting around the table talking while they play three-dimensional monster chess,

[11:24] which is great.

[11:25] In the movies and here, they're just sitting around normal tables.

[11:29] Yeah.

[11:29] Where's the monster chess, guys?

[11:30] But where's, like, a visual thing to get your attention or a detail of the world they live

[11:35] in that makes it exciting?

Stuart Wellington

[11:36] Instead, they're like, yeah, there's been all these crazy battles and planets are...

[11:39] Planets are defecting and we might have to fight them.

[11:41] Oh, we wish we could show it to you, but we can't.

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] We can't, so I'll just say it right now.

[11:45] But should we go over the plot of this movie?

[11:47] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[11:47] Should we bother?

Stuart Wellington

[11:47] So you haven't seen it that many times and you claim to remember what happens.

[11:51] Well, I mean, we also just watched it.

[11:53] Oh, yeah.

[11:54] I had a hard time.

[11:55] I gotta say, I had a hard time following it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:57] I've seen it a couple times and I still don't know what it is going on.

[11:59] Well, because the character motivations don't make sense and the plot is needlessly

[12:03] complicated, but let's see if we can figure it out, okay?

[12:05] Together.

[12:06] It's kind of a mystery, right?

[12:07] So at the end of the last movie...

[12:09] It's a riddle wrapped in an enigma.

[12:10] Wrapped in a special effect that doesn't look very good.

[12:13] Yeah.

[12:14] And the special effects have aged.

[12:15] They didn't look great at the time.

[12:16] Serving on the back of a fat...

Dan McCoy

[12:17] They've aged very poorly.

[12:19] Now it looks all the more like a cut scene from a video game.

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] So we'll start...

[12:23] Okay, and at the end of the last movie, Anakin Skywalker was a little kid.

[12:26] They had defeated the Trade Federation, which had blockaded the planet Naboo for God knows

[12:31] what reason.

Dan McCoy

[12:32] Now that's the race of Asian aliens, right?

[12:34] The aliens that are Asian stereotypes.

[12:35] Okay.

[12:36] So they're also techno fetishists.

[12:37] They love robots.

Elliott Kalan

[12:38] Yeah.

[12:39] They have a weird...

[12:40] Yeah.

[12:41] And a lot of them...

[12:43] Some of them lock themselves in their room starting at teenage, and then they live that

[12:47] way forever, forcing their parents to leave food outside the door while they live more

[12:51] in the virtual world than in the real one.

[12:53] Sure.

[12:53] They're real runners.

[12:55] Yeah.

[12:55] I'm kidding.

[12:56] So anyway...

[12:57] Console cowboys.

[12:58] So they're the Asian aliens as opposed to the Gungans, which are the offensive black

[13:02] aliens.

[13:03] Okay.

[13:03] Now it's ten years later.

[13:06] Mm-hmm.

[13:06] We find that Queen Amidala, who has not aged a day...

[13:10] No.

[13:10] Amazing.

[13:11] She is almost assassinated in an attempt that kills one of her body doubles.

Dan McCoy

[13:16] It's decided...

[13:17] But not her other body double, who I was surprised to learn was played by Rose Byrne.

[13:21] I think she's just an assistant, not a body double.

[13:22] She doesn't look like her.

Stuart Wellington

[13:24] Yeah, I mean...

[13:25] But that's something that was set up in the first one.

[13:26] That she has body doubles.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] It was like a legion of body doubles.

[13:29] She has it much like Saddam Hussein, whom Natalie Portman, you know, resembles in many

[13:33] ways.

[13:34] She has a legion of body doubles who act as decoys.

Dan McCoy

[13:38] That was one of the funniest things I thought at the beginning of the movie was when the body

[13:41] double gets blown up as she's dying.

[13:44] She talks to Queen Amidala and she says, I'm sorry, I failed you.

[13:47] And I'm like, no, you did exactly what you're supposed to do.

[13:49] Get blown up instead of the Queen Amidala.

[13:51] I mean, come on.

[13:52] Let's do it.

[13:53] Yeah.

[13:53] Get the gold medal.

Stuart Wellington

[13:55] Yeah.

[13:55] Give her the medal that Chewbacca didn't get at the end of Star Wars.

[13:57] Yeah.

[13:57] You think at the end she should have been like, yes, I feel like I've done my job or something

[14:02] like that.

[14:02] And then faded away into a ghost.

[14:04] That was awesome.

[14:04] It's like the light from heaven shines down.

Elliott Kalan

[14:06] Yeah.

[14:07] She turns into an Obi-Wan ghost.

[14:08] From space heaven.

[14:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:09] The particles like, uh, like it's sucked into a weird bracelet that Amidala has.

[14:15] Yeah.

[14:15] No.

Elliott Kalan

[14:15] She gains the power of her devils.

[14:17] Yeah.

[14:17] Of course.

[14:17] So anyway, it's decided she needs more protection.

[14:20] Well, who better to protect her than Anakin Skywalker, the little boy she discovered, I guess?

[14:26] Mm-hmm.

[14:27] Now a hot dog Padawan.

[14:28] Now a Padawan to his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[14:32] Uh, now, here's the thing.

[14:35] A big problem is that it's ten years later, Anakin Skywalker has gone from a child to a

[14:40] young adult.

[14:41] Puberty, man.

[14:41] And Amidala has not changed at all.

[14:44] And he has a big crush on her.

[14:45] He's been thinking about her every day for ten years.

[14:48] So much so...

Dan McCoy

[14:48] Like you do when you fall in love with someone at age ten.

[14:51] And you just keep thinking about them, even if you haven't seen them for years and years

[14:55] and years.

[14:55] Now here, the age problem is a real issue here.

Elliott Kalan

[14:58] Because in the first movie, Anakin is like nine.

[15:01] And Amidala is clearly like twenty-something.

[15:04] Yeah.

[15:04] But for this movie to work out, you have to pretend that Anakin was like eleven and Amidala

[15:09] was like fifteen or sixteen.

[15:11] And so now he's like twenty-one and she's like twenty-five, twenty-six.

[15:14] Then it's a little okay.

[15:16] Otherwise, it's just the age difference is just much bigger, you know.

[15:20] And hey, what's to say that a guy in his twenties couldn't be into a girl in her thirties,

[15:24] you know, or late thirties?

[15:25] Come on.

[15:26] Yeah, man.

[15:26] What do they call him?

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] Happens.

[15:27] Let's just make this like a Sam Keith comic where there's a younger guy and an older woman.

[15:30] Yeah.

[15:30] Come on.

[15:31] Sure.

[15:32] I mean, it's not like...

[15:33] I don't know if that's your point of reference for that.

[15:34] Is that the most obscure reference I've made?

[15:37] It's not like that...

[15:37] Or was it my Codex Serafinianus reference from last episode?

Dan McCoy

[15:40] It's not like that doesn't happen.

[15:43] It usually doesn't happen when the lady knew the person when they were a kid.

[15:47] Like a guy when he was a kid.

Elliott Kalan

[15:47] Hey, if pornography has taught me anything, it happens all the time.

[15:49] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[15:50] But it usually happens with a...

Elliott Kalan

[15:51] She remembers giving him sponge baths.

Dan McCoy

[15:52] But it usually happens with a clearly 40-year-old guy who has his baseball cap on backwards, which is what indicates that he's a kid.

[16:00] That he's like a guy that's 19 years old or something.

Stuart Wellington

[16:02] Popping chewing gum.

[16:03] Yeah.

[16:04] Not wearing underpants for some reason.

[16:07] It's not what the kids are doing that.

Elliott Kalan

[16:09] He's under his easily removed jogging pants.

[16:11] Mm-hmm.

[16:13] They're assigned as her bodyguards or whatever.

[16:18] Yeah.

[16:18] And she is attacked by a bounty hunter using some kind of worm robot gun.

[16:23] It's a robot that shoots worms that I guess are going to poison her or something.

[16:26] Yeah.

[16:27] Anakin senses it, runs in, and very...

[16:30] Like a little too excitedly slashes the worms off of her with a lightsaber.

[16:36] He could have killed her easily.

Stuart Wellington

[16:37] And that robot's like, oh shit, I gotta get out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] Yeah.

[16:41] He hauls metal butt out of that place, but not fast enough before Obi-Wan Kenobi can jump on him.

[16:47] But let's...

[16:48] Before we get to the chase scene in Coruscant City...

[16:51] Sure.

[16:52] There's...

[16:53] By this point...

[16:53] A bunch of meetings.

[16:54] There's already a ton of meetings.

[16:56] Let's read the minutes.

[16:58] There's a lot of...

[16:58] All right.

Dan McCoy

[16:59] Yoda says...

[17:01] Yoda proposed...

[17:01] Something in backwards syntax.

Elliott Kalan

[17:03] Now, it's already been set up that Anakin has a crush on Queen Amidala and that she sees

[17:09] him as a little boy.

[17:09] Podme.

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] And there's a scene...

[17:11] Is this before or after she says, don't look at me like that?

[17:14] It makes me uncomfortable.

[17:15] This was before that.

[17:16] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] But it's very clear already to the audience that he is creepy.

[17:20] Yeah.

[17:20] He's a creepy creeper.

[17:21] He doesn't come off as like this lost romantic who's pining for the girl of his dreams,

[17:26] if only she would notice him.

[17:27] He comes off as like a stalker.

[17:29] He's a weird stalker.

[17:29] He's less Lloyd Dobler and more what's-his-name in Sliver.

Dan McCoy

[17:32] And the most...

[17:33] Like, as I said, like, the only convincing line in the scenes between those two is when

[17:38] she says, don't look at me like that.

[17:40] It makes me uncomfortable.

Elliott Kalan

[17:41] Yeah.

[17:42] So they...

[17:43] But anyway, there's an assassination attempt.

[17:45] Obi-Wan and Anakin chase using their flying speeder car.

[17:49] Chase the bounty hunter who they catch, but then the bounty hunter...

[17:53] It's like the first big set piece.

[17:55] The first big action set piece where there's a lot of like...

[17:58] Here's the problem.

[17:59] There's a lot of banter.

[18:00] But everything's so lazily performed and done.

[18:03] Like, it's shot as if you're just watching it from a distance most of the time.

[18:07] And Anakin and Obi-Wan are supposed to be in this flying speeder car that is banking at

[18:11] these ridiculous angles and like zooming down towards the ground.

[18:15] And the looks on their faces, they might as well be like in a vibrating chair at a hammock

[18:20] or slammer store.

[18:21] Like, they don't look particularly scared.

[18:23] They don't look particularly excited.

[18:25] There's banter where it's like, I hate when he does that.

[18:27] But it's so lazily and so quietly delivered that it's like, was that supposed to be a gag?

[18:32] Like, I don't...

Stuart Wellington

[18:32] And Hayden Christensen struggles over it.

[18:35] I mean, he's got like marbles in his mouth or something.

[18:37] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] I believe that much like I believe it was Cicero, to practice his oratory, he would speak with

[18:43] pebbles in his mouth to lose his stutter.

[18:45] But I think it's more likely...

[18:46] He forgot to remove the pebbles.

[18:47] Yes.

[18:48] It's more likely that Hayden Christensen just mumbles a lot.

[18:52] He's like...

[18:52] Sure.

[18:53] It's like he thinks he's inventing Marlon Brando's way of acting.

[18:57] And sometimes that works for him.

[18:58] Can I take a break to talk about Hayden Christensen?

[19:00] Okay.

[19:00] This is a Dan official timeout trademark.

[19:04] Dan just pulled a Zach Morris, said timeout, pulled out his big phone, and called up Hayden

[19:08] Christensen.

[19:08] Time has stopped.

Dan McCoy

[19:09] It might be premature to discuss this, but part of the reason why the romance is so creepy

[19:13] is that Hayden Christensen, number one, as an actor, just seems like a petulant guy in

[19:20] this movie, rather than like a passionate guy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:23] The things that work so well for him in Shattered Glass, where he is a petulant liar who's been

[19:28] caught in this web of fiction he's spun around himself, does not work here when he's supposed

[19:32] to be a tragic hero who loves a woman and then falls from grace because he cares too much?

[19:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:38] But also, like, he looks very strange in this movie.

[19:41] Let's just like...

[19:42] I mean, I spent...

[19:43] What, because of his rat tail ponytail?

[19:45] Well, that's part...

[19:46] Look, I...

[19:46] It's the single braid, isn't it?

[19:48] Number one...

[19:48] Is it his leather karate key?

[19:51] Well, he has both a ponytail and then a thing that's like hanging off the side of his ear

[19:56] like he went to Jamaica.

[19:57] His Padawan braid.

[19:58] Yeah, man.

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] He went to...

[20:00] I got this done on the beach.

[20:02] Look, I went to St. Thomas.

[20:04] Wait, this is very important.

Dan McCoy

[20:06] Like, this reminds me of a very nice day I had.

Elliott Kalan

[20:10] Me and this little girl were sitting next to each other getting our hair braided.

Dan McCoy

[20:14] But also, I mean, like, there's something weird about Hayden Christensen's mouth.

[20:17] Far be it for me to, like, harp on someone's, like, physical attributes, but...

[20:22] Unless it's somebody's wife's butt.

[20:24] In which case...

[20:25] In which case, baa-ba-boom.

[20:26] You can't shut him up.

[20:27] But, like, I was wondering through much of the movie, I'm like, is he wearing braces?

[20:31] What's going on?

[20:31] Like, there's something weird about, like, his teeth.

[20:33] No, totally.

[20:33] I think he's got Invisalign or something.

[20:35] Yeah, he's got space braces.

[20:36] Which I think adds to this, like, mealy-mouth, mumble-mouth, marble-mouth thing that he's got going on.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] Well, blame his astrodontist.

Dan McCoy

[20:44] Oh, I hate you so much.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] Okay, he's not...

[20:48] This is not the right role for him.

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:50] He's not cast well in this.

[20:51] And it doesn't help that nobody in this movie is good as acting.

[20:56] Ewan McGregor, who's a good actor, is bad in it.

[20:58] Christopher Lee, who I love, is bad in it.

[21:01] Frank Oz's voice acting is not so good.

[21:03] And I have to blame George Lucas.

[21:05] Samuel L. Jackson, one of the most charismatic, energetic actors in movies, is like a block of wood in this.

[21:11] And I have to blame George Lucas's inability to interact with actors, basically.

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] Like, everyone is brought down a level in this.

[21:17] Joel Edgerton delivers probably my least favorite line in all of movies.

[21:22] When he introduces his girlfriend, Beru.

Elliott Kalan

[21:25] He's playing the young Uncle Owen.

[21:27] He says, this is my girlfriend, Beru.

[21:29] And what's great is that in space, they have a different word for child, which is youngling.

[21:33] But girlfriend is still the word they use.

[21:36] Oh, man.

[21:37] This is my life mate.

[21:39] So stupid.

[21:40] Or like Natalie Portman, who can act very well in this act very poorly.

[21:47] Like, everyone's a bad actor in this.

[21:48] It's unfair to judge Hayden Christensen just on this movie alone.

Dan McCoy

[21:51] No, it is.

[21:53] But I find him a measure of unappealing above everyone else.

[21:59] You said the same thing about Jake Lloyd, though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[22:00] Yeah, it's unfair to blame Jake Lloyd.

Dan McCoy

[22:01] And he was the star of the future.

[22:04] He turned out to be a superstar.

[22:06] So I guess we're all wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[22:08] Nova, too fast.

[22:09] E. True Hollywood story, Jake Lloyd.

[22:12] Here's the thing.

[22:13] Like, I've seen Hayden Christensen now in two roles that I thought he was really good in.

[22:16] One was Shattered Glass.

[22:17] Yeah, I agree.

[22:18] The other was in a stage production that I mentioned to you guys when I watched the movie of This Is Our Youth

[22:22] that I saw in London years ago when I was in college.

[22:25] Where he was playing a very unlikable character.

[22:29] But I'll tell you who really stole the show in that production.

[22:31] You go to the theater.

[22:32] Who really stole the show in that production was Jake Gyllenhaal, who was fantastic in it.

[22:36] There was a scene in This Is Our Youth.

[22:38] I don't know if anyone's seen the play.

[22:40] Where Jake Gyllenhaal's character knocks over a pile of, a plate with drugs on it.

[22:46] And he did it so well that people in the audience thought that he had made a mistake.

[22:50] And you could hear people in the audience go like, oh.

[22:52] Like, they thought that he had fucked up the prop.

[22:55] But he just did a, like, that happens in the play.

[22:57] Like, it's, he just did a good job.

[22:59] So Jake Gyllenhaal, This Is Our Youth.

[23:00] If you can go back in time to London in the year 2001.

[23:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:05] Go do it.

[23:06] Like, fucking dig up the corpse of H.G. Wells.

[23:09] Find somebody's DeLorean just lying around.

[23:12] Find the map that he left in his coffin.

[23:14] What?

Elliott Kalan

[23:15] What, where he buried his fictional time machine?

[23:17] Yeah.

[23:18] Anyway, we're barely into this movie.

[23:20] The point is, they try...

[23:22] It's almost done, right?

[23:22] No.

[23:23] We are, like, 15 minutes into a two and a half hour movie.

[23:26] So they track, basically, they find this bounty hunter who gets killed at the last minute by a dart.

[23:31] Ewan McGregor takes the dart and brings it to his friend Dex, who runs a space diner.

[23:36] Dex, dog, Dex.

[23:36] Dex, who is basically Mel from Alice, who runs a space diner.

Stuart Wellington

[23:42] I think the robot waitress's name is Flo.

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] And there's something, what's so great about this movie, in a bad way, is that the old movies have, like,

[23:49] a little bit of a World War II dogfighting tinge, like an old pulp feel.

[23:53] George Lucas took that here to mean, like, so I guess this is, like, the 40s in outer space in the Star Wars galaxy.

[23:59] So it's, like, everything's Art Deco.

[24:02] There's a space diner.

[24:03] Like, things are just very, like, old-fashioned-y, but space.

[24:07] It's really, it's not very good.

[24:09] But anyway, that leads Obi-Wan on another adventure.

[24:13] That dart...

[24:14] Leads him on a merry chase.

[24:14] That dart is from a planet called, was it Carmona?

[24:18] Kariba?

[24:19] Kamino.

[24:20] Kamarca?

[24:21] Kamino.

[24:21] Kamama.

[24:23] No, do not sing Kokomo.

[24:25] My least favorite song in the history of the world.

[24:28] I'll throw you out the window.

[24:31] So he says, you take Amidala to Naboo.

[24:37] Do whatever you want with her.

[24:39] Go crazy.

[24:39] Go protect her there.

[24:40] Go be creepy with her.

[24:42] I'm gonna go over to Carmina Burana, and I'm gonna see what's up with this dart.

[24:47] And he goes there.

[24:48] Goes to the local library first.

[24:49] So let's...

Stuart Wellington

[24:50] Oh, that's right.

[24:51] Everything can be found.

[24:52] That's right.

[24:52] He goes to...

Dan McCoy

[24:53] Anything you want can be found in your local library.

[24:56] He goes to the Jedi archives.

[24:57] Except for the location of Kamino, which has been removed from the library.

Elliott Kalan

[24:59] He goes to the Jedi archives and looks for the location of Kamino, and it's not there.

[25:02] You can find them all over the place.

[25:03] And the archivist says, if it's not in our archives, it doesn't exist.

[25:07] And she is basically like Mrs. Danvers from Rebecca.

[25:10] Like, she's...

[25:11] She...

[25:11] Everyone in this movie exudes evil in a way that I don't think they're meant to.

[25:15] But, like, the Senator Palpatine is like, oh, I'm very worried.

[25:19] Very worried about the Galactic Senate.

[25:22] Something might happen to it.

[25:24] Like, he basically is...

[25:26] Everything about him says evil.

[25:27] And they're like, that Palpatine's a good guy.

[25:29] You know what?

[25:30] I like him.

[25:30] Let's trust him.

[25:31] You're giving him a gayer voice, though.

[25:33] Well, because everyone is also kind of gay in Star Wars movies.

[25:37] Obi-Wan, C-3PO.

[25:38] That was the thing, like...

Dan McCoy

[25:40] C-3PO's not kind of gay.

[25:41] We were saying...

[25:42] This was something that I had not thought about in all my years of Star Wars viewing,

[25:48] but Elliot brought it to my mind.

[25:49] It's just that Ben Kenobi's pretty gay.

[25:52] He's very gay.

[25:52] He's a very young bachelor.

[25:53] He reads very gay.

Elliott Kalan

[25:54] Like I said, we're watching it.

[25:55] He is the Oscar Wilde to C-3PO's Charles Nelson Reilly.

[25:58] He is an elderly man who never married.

[26:01] He...

[26:02] I think it fell into place for me when I realized Star Wars, the first one is about a movie,

[26:06] it's a movie about an old man who takes a younger man to a bar.

[26:11] Like when it comes down to it.

[26:14] And I have to imagine that Obi-Wan, like, is just going to that bar and picking up alien

[26:19] dudes, you know, for one night stands.

Dan McCoy

[26:20] I feel like he's kind of like a Stephen Fry kind of gay, where he's like, he's...

[26:24] You know, he doesn't really actually have...

[26:25] Stephen Fry's gay?

[26:27] What?

[26:28] We didn't want you to find out this way.

[26:30] We wanted you to find out when you went on the day of Stephen Fry.

[26:32] I don't know that he actually has carnal relations with men, but like spiritually...

[26:35] Well, why not?

[26:35] He's a grown man.

[26:36] Come on.

[26:37] No, I'm just...

[26:37] I'm just saying...

[26:38] Let him be a sexual being.

[26:39] He's in pretty good shape.

[26:40] I'm tired of this...

[26:41] I'm not denying him.

Elliott Kalan

[26:42] I'm tired of this Will and Grace single Obi-Wan.

[26:45] Okay.

[26:45] It's funny.

[26:46] I wanted...

[26:46] I was about to say Sid and Nancy when I meant to say Will and Grace.

[26:50] That would have been a very different show.

Dan McCoy

[26:51] They'd die in a hotel room.

Elliott Kalan

[26:55] Maybe one of them murdered the other?

[26:56] Maybe not.

[26:57] We will never know.

[26:58] So anyway, he goes...

[27:00] He finds this planet that was erased from the archives, which he realizes when Yoda asks

[27:05] a youngling, like a little kid, what it was.

[27:08] And only a kid is so devious as to think it could be erased.

[27:10] Meanwhile, Anakin and Amidala escape disguised as refugees.

[27:15] Refugees who happen to be carrying with them R2-D2 the droid the queen uses?

Stuart Wellington

[27:19] The most famous robot of all time.

Elliott Kalan

[27:21] This is the robot who's on the cover of Space Time Magazine.

[27:24] He's merchandise...

[27:25] Everyone's merchandised him.

[27:26] He is the house cat of Star Wars.

[27:28] Sure, yeah.

[27:28] Everybody loves him.

[27:29] He's the original party droid.

[27:32] Was that the house droid?

[27:34] Yeah, Bleep Blarb.

[27:35] Original party droid.

[27:36] Bleep Blarb!

[27:37] TM.

[27:38] So anyway, Amidala and Anakin go to Naboo where he delivers his immortal, you're not like

[27:43] sand, you're soft and not rough speech.

[27:45] She falls for him.

Dan McCoy

[27:46] We learn a little bit about democracy.

[27:47] Instantly.

Elliott Kalan

[27:48] They have a debate over whether...

Dan McCoy

[27:49] That is a panty peeler, guys.

[27:51] By the way, if you ever want to woo a lady, tell her that she's not like sand.

Elliott Kalan

[27:55] Let me tell you, it is not a potato peeler.

[27:57] You tell a potato it's not like sand all day.

[27:59] It's not going to unpeel for you.

[28:00] Yeah.

[28:01] Just sits there.

[28:02] Just sits there winking at you with its eyes.

Dan McCoy

[28:04] What you want for that is a $1.50 potato peeler.

[28:07] You can pick him up at any grocery store.

Elliott Kalan

[28:09] You do not want the $1.50 panty peeler, though.

[28:11] It'll break the first time you use it.

[28:13] So anyway, they have a debate over democracy.

[28:16] They clown around and Anakin surfs on the back of a giant animal.

[28:20] It's stupid.

[28:21] It's amazing.

[28:21] It's hella stupid.

[28:22] And that's how they fall in love.

[28:24] And this is such an old-fashioned, like, George Lucas only knows it from old movies idea of falling in love.

[28:29] Where it's like, yeah, I guess you sit around in pretty fields and you talk and laugh.

[28:33] And you, like, roll over each other.

Dan McCoy

[28:34] He aggressively talks about how he's in love with the lady.

[28:37] Until she gets worn down.

[28:38] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:39] And then talking about how he believes in a political system based around tyranny.

[28:43] Based around fascism, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:45] So at the same time, Obi-Wan follows the dart to Kamino, which is a stormy planet inhabited by clones who have buildings and technology.

Stuart Wellington

[28:55] And weird, like giant sperm-headed monsters.

Elliott Kalan

[28:57] Yes, sperm-headed monsters who make the clones.

[28:59] Yeah.

[28:59] And it feels like...

Stuart Wellington

[29:00] We're pretty chill, though.

[29:01] They don't think anything.

[29:02] They're laid back.

Elliott Kalan

[29:03] When Obi-Wan walks in, they go, ah, Jedi, we've been expecting you.

[29:06] The Prime Minister would like to meet you.

[29:08] And he's like, why?

[29:09] Did you expect me?

[29:10] How do you know I'm a Jedi?

[29:12] What's going on?

[29:12] He's real smooth.

[29:13] And the Prime Minister is like, well, we made the clones you ordered.

[29:16] And he goes, when did I order clones?

[29:20] Didn't Jedi Master...

[29:22] What was his name?

Stuart Wellington

[29:23] Okay.

[29:23] This is something...

[29:24] Please, somebody explain to me what the fuck's going on.

[29:27] They keep talking about a Jedi Master, Sifo-D-Ass,

[29:30] which sounds like a very thinly disguised Darth Sidious.

[29:34] But apparently there was actually a dude named Sifo-D-Ass.

[29:37] Because Obi-Wan says he died ten years ago.

[29:40] Or many years ago.

[29:40] Yeah, like it's a fucking ghost story or some shit.

Elliott Kalan

[29:42] But it's so funny.

[29:43] But it's like, Obi-Wan, who in the sequels, let's just call them that, the original movies,

[29:48] is a very wise character, very smart, in the prequels, is the dumbest clumsy gumshoe.

[29:54] He's basically like Space Clueso.

[29:56] Because they're like, Sifo-D-Ass sent you?

[29:59] And he goes, why would Sifo-D-Ass send me?

[30:01] Instead of lying, like a detective would.

[30:03] Yes, yes.

[30:04] Playing along.

[30:04] Yes, he did.

[30:05] Yes, he did.

[30:06] Did he communicate what he was...

[30:08] Did he tell you what he wanted me to find out about the clones?

[30:10] I'm testing you, you know.

[30:12] There's a better way to write that, because I'm writing it off the top of my head.

[30:14] But like, the fact that Obi-Wan answers every question with a question about why Obi-Wan's there.

[30:19] He's like, we're making the clone army for Sifo-D-Ass.

[30:22] So you make clones here?

Dan McCoy

[30:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:26] And then the Prime Minister...

[30:27] Remind me!

[30:28] And these people who have mastered cloning technology are so gullible and stupid,

[30:32] they never see through his story, which he doesn't even give them.

[30:35] Well, they've been alone.

Stuart Wellington

[30:36] Why is he going to give them the story?

Dan McCoy

[30:37] They've been alone for so long, they're just happy to have someone to talk to.

Stuart Wellington

[30:39] They're just on company.

[30:39] If they gave even a second of doubting what he's saying,

[30:42] he would just fucking jump kick them into next week.

Dan McCoy

[30:45] That's true.

[30:45] He does a lot of jump kicks.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] But he comes in and he sees these chandeliers full of babies.

[30:49] For instance, if you walked into a bakery and you were like,

[30:53] yeah, you might have a cake for me,

[30:55] they'd be like, okay, what's your name?

[30:56] You can't just go like, well, what's the name on the cake?

Dan McCoy

[31:00] Because that's my name.

[31:01] Let me look at the display case.

[31:04] That one's mine.

[31:05] I'm Aladdin.

Elliott Kalan

[31:08] Really?

[31:08] You're Disney's Aladdin?

[31:09] Yeah, that's what I meant.

[31:10] I'm Disney's Aladdin.

[31:11] I'm sorry, that was made for a quinceanera.

[31:12] That's not...

[31:13] So basically, Obi-Wan is the worst detective in the world.

[31:19] He finds this cloning world where they're making clones of Jango Fett,

[31:23] a bounty hunter.

[31:24] The same bounty hunter that, I was going to say Obama.

[31:27] Played by Obama.

[31:28] That Barack Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Dan McCoy

[31:31] Obamacare.

[31:31] All these clones that we don't want, am I right?

Stuart Wellington

[31:34] Why does my plan have to cover clones?

[31:36] I'm never going to have a clone.

[31:37] It's the worst thing ever to have a Kamino, I'll tell you.

[31:40] Yeah, they're going to shut them down.

[31:43] They're going to leave the business.

[31:44] So Jango Fett's played by popular New Zealand actor Tamura Morrison from Once Were Warriors.

Elliott Kalan

[31:51] And he is...

[31:52] Everyone was excited.

[31:53] They're going to see the dad of Boba Fett, everyone's favorite bounty hunter who has six

[31:57] minutes in the original trilogy.

Stuart Wellington

[31:58] And this actor has a great history of being a dad like in Once Were Warriors where he plays

[32:03] a sexually abusive father.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] Yeah.

[32:05] He's a bad dad.

[32:06] Let's just say it.

[32:07] Classic bad soccer dad.

[32:09] Obi-Wan decides to tell the Jedi he's found this thing in the middle of a storm.

[32:14] He doesn't wait to get off planet to make his announcement.

[32:17] The terrible spy he is, he just announces it out loud in front of everybody.

[32:21] Jango Fett attacks him.

[32:22] There's a not terrible fight scene.

[32:24] Yeah, it's actually pretty good.

[32:25] One of the better action scenes between Jango Fett and Obi-Wan where Obi-Wan does a bunch

[32:28] of flying jump kicks.

[32:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[32:30] And meanwhile, young Boba Fett is shooting him from the spaceship.

Elliott Kalan

[32:33] And all these explosions are going off.

[32:35] He has to learn his skills somewhere.

[32:37] Boba Fett will fire the spaceship guns, which are huge, or like a rocket.

[32:41] Yeah, designed to blow up another spaceship.

[32:42] And it'll explode less than a centimeter away from Obi-Wan.

[32:46] And he just kind of like rolls over and goes, oh.

[32:49] He is basically invincible, Obi-Wan.

[32:52] And is that part of his character that he is impenetrable?

[32:55] He hates flying?

[32:56] Check.

[32:57] Invincible.

[32:58] Yeah.

[32:58] He's immune to laser beams and bombs.

[33:01] He's got a rad beard.

[33:03] He's got a rad beard.

[33:05] I think one of the Kaminoans called a rad beard.

[33:08] Your beard is quite rad, Jedi Knight.

[33:10] What is rad?

[33:11] I have a beard?

[33:14] He just can't keep his story straight.

[33:16] Anyway, he follows Boba Fett.

[33:18] Boba Fett leaves.

[33:19] He follows Boba.

[33:20] I mean Jango Fett.

[33:21] Well, Boba's in there.

[33:22] He follows Jango and Boba, son and dad.

[33:25] He follows Banjo Fett and his dad.

[33:29] Banjo, Harpo, and Chico Fett.

[33:30] And his dad, Mango Fett.

[33:32] So he follows them to another planet.

[33:35] There's bombs going off.

[33:36] It's called Geonosis.

[33:38] Meanwhile, Anakin has had a bad dream about his mother.

Dan McCoy

[33:42] About a bad dad?

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] No, about his mom.

[33:44] About a bad mom.

[33:45] His mom, Shmi Skywalker.

[33:48] Because all the names were made up by George Lucas in it one two-minute period.

[33:53] Yeah.

[33:54] Shmi.

[33:54] Sebulba.

[33:55] Watto.

[33:56] Whatever.

[33:56] He's a bad guy.

[33:57] He's insidious.

[33:58] Darth Sidious.

[33:59] Great.

[33:59] Right.

[33:59] And this is a character.

[34:02] His mom.

[34:03] What's the bad guy?

[34:04] Christopher Lee's character.

[34:05] Count Dooku.

[34:06] Doesn't that sound like poop?

[34:07] Whatever.

[34:08] We gotta get this film finished.

[34:12] Anyway.

[34:12] It sounds like Dracula, right?

[34:13] Not really.

[34:14] It sounds more like poop.

[34:15] Anyway, it doesn't matter.

[34:16] Get the movie rolling.

Dan McCoy

[34:19] But we are hardly the first to point this out.

[34:22] But this mom character is someone that he is not worried about in years.

[34:29] Like, he has been freed from his slavery.

[34:32] He has been training as a Jedi.

[34:34] And he's grown up, right?

[34:35] And then he's basically forgotten about this.

[34:36] Like, I guess he's been spending all of his time dreaming about Padme.

[34:40] And so he doesn't have any time to seek out his mom, who he knows.

[34:44] Who has not moved anywhere.

[34:45] She's still on Tatooine.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] She's still on Tatooine.

[34:46] And he has a bad dream about her.

[34:48] And he goes, we gotta find her.

[34:49] And Amidala's like, okay.

[34:51] They go to Tatooine.

[34:52] They go to his old owner, Watto, the anti-Semitic stereotype.

Stuart Wellington

[34:56] Shouldn't they have just done this shit right after the first movie?

Elliott Kalan

[34:58] Yeah.

[34:59] They should have.

[35:00] When he became a rich Jedi, he should have gone and bought his mom's freedom.

Stuart Wellington

[35:03] I mean, he's like the richest little kid in the universe.

[35:05] He's richy rich.

Elliott Kalan

[35:07] Space rich.

[35:08] With a rat tail.

[35:09] He's richy rich full of space bucks.

[35:11] Sure.

[35:12] He's rich in midichlorians.

[35:13] He's rat-tail-y rich.

Stuart Wellington

[35:15] Don't say that shit.

[35:16] Shit doesn't exist in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[35:17] It's amazing how midichlorians just kind of disappeared from the series.

[35:20] But anyway, so it's outside of our purview.

[35:23] That's episode one.

[35:24] And I do mean purv-view when Dan McCoy is here.

[35:26] Anyway, so.

[35:27] Classic Kalen cut-ups.

[35:28] He goes to Watto and says, where's my mom?

[35:32] And Watto, I think I called him Quato just then.

[35:34] Watto is one of the first.

[35:35] Oh boy.

Stuart Wellington

[35:36] Is the first of like.

Elliott Kalan

[35:37] Hey, Andy's done a revolution.

Dan McCoy

[35:41] Give those people some air.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] So Watto is one of many characters who when they see Anakin goes, Annie?

[35:47] Is that you?

[35:48] And I wish there was any moment where Anakin was like, please don't call me Annie.

[35:52] I'm a grown man.

[35:53] Yeah.

[35:53] But instead he just accepts it.

Dan McCoy

[35:54] Annie is a tiny orphan without pupils.

[35:57] Yeah, blind.

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] Sad, really.

[35:58] Yeah.

[35:59] So Anakin finds out his mom got sold to a vapor writer farmer.

Dan McCoy

[36:03] That Annie loves Sandy, by the way.

[36:05] Loves Sandy.

[36:06] The other Annie does not love Sandy.

[36:08] It's true.

Elliott Kalan

[36:08] Because Sandy to her is a dog and not a rough, tiny mineral.

[36:11] Yeah.

[36:12] A granule.

[36:15] Actually, Sandy is very rough.

[36:18] All right.

[36:18] Get it?

[36:18] Like a dog.

[36:19] Okay.

[36:20] Anyway.

[36:20] I'm sorry.

[36:21] Nested puns.

[36:22] Anyway.

[36:23] I could go on forever.

[36:24] So the thing, they go to the vaporator farm where they find Uncle Beru and his girlfriend.

[36:30] The uncle Owen and his girlfriend, Beru.

[36:33] Played by Joel Edgerton.

[36:34] For a second.

[36:36] Yeah.

[36:36] And he finds out, oh no, Shmi was kidnapped by a bunch of Tuscan raiders.

[36:41] And then the guy refers to them as Tuscan raiders.

[36:44] And I wanted to be like, stop the movie.

[36:47] George, you know there are real people called Tuscans, right?

[36:49] They're from Tuscany.

Stuart Wellington

[36:52] Like, that's a real thing.

[36:55] Like, you can't just say that.

[36:56] And he just lifted their accent completely.

[37:00] So I have to imagine.

[37:01] They have to deal with that Tuscan son all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[37:03] I have to imagine that Diane Lane is finding love among these sand raiders.

[37:06] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[37:07] Ducking their gaffer sticks.

[37:09] Gaffy sticks.

Elliott Kalan

[37:10] Scaring them off with the occasional crate dragon call.

Dan McCoy

[37:13] Because it's a terrifying creature.

Elliott Kalan

[37:15] Diane Lane, we ride single file to hide our numbers.

[37:18] You're right.

[37:18] I am in love.

[37:21] So anyway, Luke's guy, Anakin goes to.

[37:24] Luke Cage.

[37:25] Anakin goes to.

[37:26] In a moment that is.

[37:28] So there's a moment in the first Star Wars.

[37:29] We've all seen it.

[37:30] Where Luke is looking at the sun setting.

[37:33] And they play the double sun.

[37:33] The double sun is setting.

[37:35] John Williams' music swells.

[37:37] And it's this moment of.

[37:38] In all of our hearts.

[37:39] And probably fans.

[37:40] There's a story.

[37:41] It's a very powerful moment.

[37:44] This young boy who has dreams of a more exciting life.

[37:47] He sees it disappearing before his eyes.

[37:49] He has fantasies about where his life could take him.

[37:53] And he knows it'll never happen.

[37:54] It's just out of his grasp.

Dan McCoy

[37:55] And he's like the flattest, most boring place.

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] It's like he says.

[37:58] If there's a bright center of the universe, this is the farthest place from it.

[38:02] And at that moment, you feel like he feels it.

[38:04] This is something we can all sympathize with.

[38:07] Especially Dan growing up in a tiny town.

Dan McCoy

[38:09] I was as good as a farm boy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:12] In the backwoods of nowhere.

[38:13] Yeah.

[38:13] Thinking, am I ever going to make it to the big city?

[38:15] Never.

[38:16] Probably never.

[38:17] I'm not going to die here.

[38:18] I'm on the soybeans.

[38:19] I guess I'll go take the control bolts off of that new droid we bought.

Stuart Wellington

[38:22] I can't even go down to Tosche Station to pick up some new power converts.

[38:25] From those midget druids.

[38:26] You can have fun with your friends later, Dan.

[38:28] I'm sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[38:29] But instead, they use that music here.

[38:31] That wistful kind of like, I want a better life music.

[38:35] Over Anakin saying, I've got to go get revenge.

Dan McCoy

[38:38] Like, I'm going to go save her.

[38:39] And kill the shit out of some Tusken Raiders.

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] And he finds his mom just too late.

[38:43] Oh no, she dies in his arms.

Stuart Wellington

[38:44] So she's all like tied up on a weird framework.

[38:48] What's going on here?

Elliott Kalan

[38:49] My only guess, because they never explain it.

[38:52] You're going to go the least creepy way, right?

[38:54] My only guess.

[38:55] He went the creepy way.

[38:56] What did you say?

[38:57] I said something about her safe word.

Stuart Wellington

[38:59] Wow.

[38:59] Yeah, her safe word was, uh, uh, uh.

[39:02] Because it's a Tusken Raider.

[39:04] By the way, never use that as a safe word.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] No.

[39:06] Her safe word was, ouch.

[39:09] They kept stopping.

[39:10] And she'd be like, no, keep going.

[39:11] Ouch.

[39:12] Wait, do you want me to stop?

[39:13] No, that means it's working.

[39:14] Oh God.

[39:15] Just tie me to that frame over there.

[39:19] Here's my guess.

[39:20] Here's my guess.

[39:20] Because it's never explained what they want her for or anything.

[39:23] That much like many Native American tribes in the United States, they would raid each other's

[39:30] tribes and kidnap members of other tribes and then put them through gauntlets or physical

[39:34] tests as a way of initiating them into their tribes.

[39:37] Well, I mean, physical challenges is what they are.

[39:39] Gag all over their face.

[39:40] Usually didn't involve digging in a giant nose for a flag.

[39:45] But you know, it was like that.

[39:47] You know, either that or they hang you from hooks from the top of the smoke lodge.

[39:50] But, uh, so my guess is the sand people under those wrappings are all different species

[39:55] who have been kidnapped and turned into members of the tribe through this induction ceremony.

[40:00] You know.

[40:00] But who knows?

[40:01] Of all the many cultures in the Star Wars universe, the Tusken Raiders are never really fleshed

[40:08] out.

Stuart Wellington

[40:09] Yeah.

[40:09] And they're the ones we see on screen.

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] And yet every other alien is represented in the Galactic Senate.

[40:13] Your Greedos, your Rigi's three eyes.

Stuart Wellington

[40:16] I was reading about those guys for like five minutes before this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] Your butt-faced Ponda Babas, you know.

[40:21] Anyway, so Anakin.

[40:23] Your Doctor's Evazan.

[40:25] Your Doctor's Evazan.

[40:27] Your Wooksy.

[40:29] That's terrible.

[40:30] Yes, it is.

[40:31] So anyway, and Greedo is a roadie and I know, by the way.

[40:34] So anyway, the, he dies, she dies in his arms and he gets mad and we, and kills all the

[40:40] sand people.

[40:41] And he later says.

[40:42] Seven one down the trail to the dark side.

[40:44] And he letter sends to Anakin, I killed them all and not just the men, the women and the

[40:48] children too.

[40:49] And she said, she seems to take that news okay.

[40:51] She seems to take that news okay.

[40:53] He's massacred those people.

[40:55] She's into it.

[40:56] She's like, anger is a part of life, Anakin.

[40:58] And it's like, stop right there.

[40:59] He's not anger.

[41:00] He murdered a whole, he committed genocide.

[41:03] You know.

[41:03] Yeah.

[41:04] But uh.

[41:04] I mean, we only see him kill like three dudes.

[41:06] So he might have been making up the story to impress her.

[41:08] Yeah, of course.

[41:09] I killed.

[41:09] He ran away.

[41:10] I killed like 800.

[41:12] I killed three, I mean 3,000 sand people.

[41:15] They just kept coming and I was like, no way.

Stuart Wellington

[41:18] And there was one that was like super strong and he had like seven lightsabers.

[41:22] And I'm like, no way, buddy.

Dan McCoy

[41:23] And I just chopped them all down.

[41:24] Anakin, I just looked at the corpse of your mom.

[41:26] It looks like she had a lightsaber burn on her.

[41:28] Like, no, no.

[41:30] The sand people did that.

[41:31] So anyway, Anakin goes to, no, no, sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] Obi-Wan goes to Geonosis where they're making a droid army.

[41:40] He finds Count Dooku, is with a bunch of other guys who are leaving the Republic.

[41:43] In the best scene of the movie.

[41:44] In the best scene of the movie.

[41:45] Which is, yes, a bunch of characters talking around a table.

[41:48] But at least they're crazy characters.

Stuart Wellington

[41:49] Yeah, a couple of them are like Venture Brothers villains.

Elliott Kalan

[41:52] Yeah, there's a guy.

[41:53] There's like an old squid man.

[41:55] Yeah, that guy instead of a beard, he's got tentacles.

[41:57] It's great.

[41:58] It's crazy.

[41:58] He's like Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] Yeah, but he doesn't play a fucking piano with it.

Elliott Kalan

[42:05] We don't know that.

[42:07] Maybe he does in his spare time.

Stuart Wellington

[42:08] Yeah, that's the kind of music they listen to.

Elliott Kalan

[42:09] We're going really long.

[42:10] So let's just say Obi-Wan makes us an emergency.

[42:13] Nobody's ever seen this one.

[42:14] An emergency transmission.

[42:16] Anakin and Padma pick it up.

[42:19] They go and try to save him.

[42:20] There's a totally unnecessary action scene in a factory assembly line.

Dan McCoy

[42:24] Where we learn that all of a sudden R2-D2 has rockets for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[42:28] He can fly with his rocket propulsion.

[42:29] We never see this again.

Dan McCoy

[42:31] Which, as I said as we were watching it, that's like in Superman 2.

[42:35] When all of a sudden Superman pulls his ass off and throws it at one of the villains.

[42:38] He's like, oh, okay, this is, I guess, a power you have.

[42:41] We didn't see it before, but sure.

[42:42] I'll never do that again.

[42:44] Because it's stupid.

[42:45] Wait, R2-D2 doesn't fly around in his ships all the time.

[42:48] No, he does not.

Elliott Kalan

[42:49] And so, which really would have helped in some of the other scenes in the later movies.

[42:53] Yeah.

[42:54] Or earlier movies, that is.

[42:56] I don't get it.

[42:57] Anyway, it's time travel.

[42:58] So they all get captured.

[43:01] They get sentenced to, as Stuart calls it, death by monster.

[43:04] By three monsters.

[43:05] And this is probably the best scene in the whole movie.

Stuart Wellington

[43:08] Other than the one part where we all sit around the table and talk for a couple minutes.

[43:13] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[43:13] Where they're fighting.

[43:14] They're in an arena with a giant cat-tiger monster.

[43:17] Some kind of like praying mantis crab monster.

[43:20] Yeah.

[43:20] And like a rhinoceros monster.

[43:22] And they're fighting each other.

[43:25] And the good guys escape.

[43:27] Yeah, there's some good physical comedy.

[43:27] A bunch of Jedi show up.

Dan McCoy

[43:29] There's a lot of fighting for some reason.

[43:30] A lot of Jedi show up.

[43:31] There's an exposed tummy on Natalie Portman.

[43:34] And Natalie Portman's, her belly gets...

[43:35] She's been doing a lot of crunches.

[43:36] The shirt part of her belly gets ripped apart.

Elliott Kalan

[43:38] Is that part of her cylinder, like, sharing?

[43:40] Yeah, yeah.

[43:41] Well, she governs through crunches and core ball exercises.

[43:45] She governs through core strength.

[43:46] Yeah.

[43:47] On her planet, they choose their leaders through their core strength.

[43:50] Naboo, yeah.

[43:51] Yeah, Naboo.

[43:52] Anyway, so there's a big fight.

[43:54] Jedis arrive.

[43:55] Then robot soldiers arrive.

[43:57] Then clone soldiers arrive.

[43:58] It's that clone army that the cloners were making.

[44:01] And Yoda becomes a general all of a sudden.

[44:04] They've graduated from clone high.

[44:05] And now they're going to be fighting.

[44:07] He says, the immortal line, around the survivors, a perimeter create.

[44:10] Which is so dumb.

[44:12] Why is that one backwards?

Dan McCoy

[44:13] Yeah, I mean, as we were saying, Yoda in Empire, like, every once in a while, he would do the fucking reverse syntax thing.

[44:19] Now it's every sentence.

[44:20] Every sentence.

Stuart Wellington

[44:21] The bathroom I must use.

[44:23] And I get it.

[44:24] The clone troopers will take orders from anybody who talks to them.

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:27] But do you think they have the mental capacity to, like, translate all of Yoda's bullshit?

[44:31] No way.

Elliott Kalan

[44:32] Not ever.

[44:33] And he talks backwards.

[44:34] It's the worst when he's ordering in restaurants.

[44:35] The fish special I'll have.

[44:39] Cheese hold.

[44:40] Wait, so you want the cheese or not?

Dan McCoy

[44:44] Dressing on the side, I will take.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] I don't understand what you just told me.

[44:49] And then the salad arrives and he's like, dressing on the salad there is?

[44:52] On the side I asked for.

[44:55] Look, I don't understand what the fuck you're saying, Yoda.

[44:57] You gotta talk straight.

[44:58] You gotta talk straight.

[45:00] Your name, my name you know.

[45:02] Look, I just saw your credit card.

Stuart Wellington

[45:04] That was the day Elliot quit his job at the Olive Garden.

[45:07] I mean, Space Olive Garden.

Elliott Kalan

[45:08] He called it Garden the Olive of.

[45:11] It doesn't even make sense, Yoda.

[45:13] Where family you are here.

[45:15] Where family you are.

[45:17] Okay, Yoda, cut, cut.

[45:18] The line is, here you're family.

[45:21] Family you are here.

[45:22] Cut.

[45:23] Okay, Yoda, let's get this straight.

[45:25] Look, it's the Olive Garden.

[45:27] We know it's not art.

[45:29] Just deliver the line as said.

[45:31] My motivation what is?

[45:33] Oh, God, Yoda, it's commercial.

[45:35] Breadsticks unlimited, they are.

[45:37] Salad bowl, bottomless it is.

[45:40] Damn it, Yoda.

Stuart Wellington

[45:42] Damn it, Yoda.

[45:44] Okay, somebody, we need more makeup on these younglings.

Elliott Kalan

[45:50] My agent I must call.

[45:52] Oh, this again.

[45:54] Temperamental you are.

[45:55] Hey, heard that I did.

[45:57] He's a diva, guys.

[46:00] Anyway.

[46:01] I want to do, we don't have the time, but I want to do Yoda as Orson Welles doing that

[46:05] pee commercial.

[46:07] No living actor I would direct this way in Shakespeare, I would.

[46:15] Start a sentence emphasizing if I cannot.

[46:21] Find some way to do it you can, go down on you I will.

[46:23] The fun of it, that's where it is.

[46:25] I can't even do it backwards.

[46:27] Can't even do it, it's too much.

[46:28] Anyway, there's a big battle.

[46:30] The clones turn the tide of battle.

[46:31] Count Dooku escapes.

[46:33] Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme are chasing after him.

[46:36] There's a blast, and Amidala falls out onto a desert that looks like it's made out of

[46:40] Cheeto dust for how bright orange it is.

[46:43] Anakin wants to stop, but Obi-Wan says, no, we've got to keep going.

[46:47] If it was Amidala, what would she do?

[46:49] And he goes, she'd do her duty.

[46:50] And they go, and when they're chasing a guy named Count Dooku, you can't say the word

[46:54] duty.

[46:55] But they go, they find Count Dooku, who is escaping with the plans for the Death Star.

[47:00] And they attack him.

[47:02] There's a big fight.

[47:03] He chops off Anakin's arms, and he gives Obi-Wan what looks like to be two very cosmetic burns.

[47:07] Kind of just flesh singes.

Stuart Wellington

[47:09] Because Anakin starts going fucking buck wild with two lightsabers.

[47:13] You've got to cut an arm off them.

Elliott Kalan

[47:14] But then here's Stuart's favorite part of the movie.

[47:17] Yeah.

[47:17] A little guy named Yoda stumbles in on his cane.

[47:20] Because at that moment, I was wondering, who's the man, Elliot?

[47:23] And it turns out, according to a hastily thrown together commercial, a week after the movie

[47:27] opened, Yoda Man.

Stuart Wellington

[47:29] Because if I haven't seen Star Wars Episode 2, Attack of the Clones, I'm like, I'm thinking

[47:34] about going to a movie tonight.

[47:35] TV, tell me what I should see.

Elliott Kalan

[47:36] Is there something where like a little green gremlin flips around with a laser sword fighting

[47:41] an old man?

[47:42] Like a fucking manic frog with a sword?

[47:45] Is there something where an old man with a laser sword fights a little frog imp who

[47:50] also has a laser sword and is wearing a monk's robe?

[47:52] This is a dumb movie.

[47:54] Let's just say that right now.

[47:55] Every movie can sound dumb if you break it down that way.

[47:58] I referred to Star Wars earlier.

[47:59] Like you remember, as a movie about an old man, it takes a young guy to a bar.

[48:02] It happens.

[48:03] But this is...

Dan McCoy

[48:03] What was your other, like, one with bears?

Elliott Kalan

[48:06] Well, that's, Return of the Jedi is about a race of space bears.

[48:09] But, and also, Star Wars is about a, is a movie about a boy who gives a robot a bath.

[48:15] It's all true.

[48:16] It happens in the movie.

[48:17] Right, right.

[48:17] Why?

Stuart Wellington

[48:19] Thanks to the...

[48:20] That's your explanation of the cops when they come to take you away.

[48:22] You're like, no, they do it in the movie.

[48:24] Come on.

[48:24] There's a space mummy.

Elliott Kalan

[48:27] He's not in it until the second movie.

[48:29] Dengar, the space mummy.

[48:31] So anyway.

[48:32] Oh, fifth movie.

[48:33] Sorry.

[48:33] Oh, damn it.

[48:34] It's chronology.

[48:35] So the, uh...

[48:37] There's a fight between Yoda and Count Dooku.

[48:39] Count Dooku distracts Yoda by making a big machine fly in the air and Yoda's gonna stop it.

[48:44] Count Dooku escapes and delivers the Death Star plans to Darth Sidious, who we know it's Palpatine.

[48:50] I don't know why they're pretending we don't know.

[48:52] He's got a hood over his face like we're gonna be surprised that the guy who has the same last name as the Emperor is gonna turn out to be the bad guy.

Stuart Wellington

[48:59] Because he's making it for, you know, generations down the road who are gonna watch the Star Wars movies in chronological order and not understand anything.

[49:07] And their minds are gonna be fucking blown.

[49:09] They don't explain Jedi until the fucking fourth movie.

[49:12] And the Emperor was...

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] And the Senator was given emergency powers or some nonsense.

[49:14] Anyway, everyone leaves.

[49:17] Anakin gets a terrible-looking robot arm and marries Amidala secretly.

[49:22] And Yoda says the Clone Wars have begun.

Dan McCoy

[49:25] Yeah, the end.

[49:27] Yeah, so we've gone for a really long time.

[49:29] So I think we're just gonna skip ahead.

[49:32] Let's just say...

[49:32] Let's say what's bad about this movie.

[49:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:34] The writing, the acting, the directing, the special effects, and the story.

Dan McCoy

[49:38] No, let's final judge.

[49:39] Some of the music is okay.

[49:39] Let's final judge this thing.

Stuart Wellington

[49:40] Now, we might have missed some of the stupid things about this movie.

[49:44] Feel free to write it.

Dan McCoy

[49:45] I'm sure that in the...

Stuart Wellington

[49:47] Write email Sedan complaining.

Dan McCoy

[49:49] In the decades since this movie was released, it has been cataloged.

[49:53] All the stupid shit.

[49:54] I guess we...

[49:54] After winning Best Picture, probably.

Elliott Kalan

[49:56] It won the Academy Award for Best Picture Ever.

[49:58] Mm-hmm.

[49:59] Beating every movie ever made.

[50:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:02] And it's widely considered the worst of the three, right?

[50:06] I would say so.

[50:07] It's the worst of the three.

Elliott Kalan

[50:08] I think it's the worst of the six.

[50:09] I mean, let's...

[50:10] Yeah, I mean...

[50:11] Obviously, but...

[50:12] Sure.

[50:13] I think the worst of the prequels, and I feel like by going through the plot, we've only

[50:16] scratched the surface of how overly needlessly complicated it, that like the plot is,

[50:21] and how poorly executed everything is.

[50:24] How there's a lot of scenes that seem to be put in just so that you can make a video game based

[50:28] on that scene.

[50:30] It's...

Dan McCoy

[50:30] But final judgments-wise.

Elliott Kalan

[50:31] Okay, final judgments-wise.

Dan McCoy

[50:32] Is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like, Elliot, continue

[50:36] with your deconstruction?

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] It's a movie that has a couple action scenes in it that I enjoy a little bit, but overall,

[50:43] like, it's a bad, bad movie.

[50:45] It could be a good, bad movie if it was shorter, and if it was...

[50:50] It takes itself so seriously, and so that means that the comedy parts are really jarring,

[50:55] and so the movie never, for me, has that, like...

[50:58] It never is laughably bad.

[51:00] It's just like, why is this going on?

[51:02] Except for the space...

[51:03] Except for the space diner.

[51:04] Yeah.

[51:05] Actually, you know what?

[51:05] Maybe it's good, bad.

[51:06] It's not a space diner in it.

Dan McCoy

[51:08] What I'm going to say about this movie is, like, is I hate it, and I kind of like it.

[51:13] Interesting.

[51:14] Like, there's stuff in it that makes me so mad.

[51:18] Like, all of the romance shit in this movie is so bad, it makes me, like...

[51:24] I don't understand how George Lucas has interpersonal relationships based on these...

[51:29] He doesn't.

Elliott Kalan

[51:29] Since he has this middle school idea that, like, if you are angry enough at a person you

[51:34] have a crush on, they will come around to loving you.

Stuart Wellington

[51:36] He's got the best hair CGI I can buy.

Dan McCoy

[51:38] Hayden Christensen seems like such a creep.

[51:42] There's so much stupid stuff in this film, but at the same time, like, I can't bring myself

[51:47] to hate it because there's...

[51:49] It does have some of that residual Star Wars shine on it.

Elliott Kalan

[51:52] I think you're just...

[51:54] You're getting it mixed up in your mind with your Star Wars feelings.

Dan McCoy

[51:56] No, I totally am.

[51:57] No, I'm...

[51:57] Yeah.

[51:58] I am 100% aware of what's happening, but the thing is, while I hate the movie, I can't

[52:04] bring myself to be like, this is...

[52:07] Like, I know it's bad, but I can't, like, get rid of it.

[52:11] I can't quit it.

Stuart Wellington

[52:13] Yeah, you wish you knew how to quit this movie.

[52:14] It's totally a bad boyfriend.

[52:16] Like, I know it's terrible for me, and if I had never met this movie, if this movie had

[52:20] never existed, my life would be better right now.

[52:22] Yeah.

[52:23] I would probably be super successful.

[52:25] Stuart has the best analogy here.

[52:27] And yet, the sex is amazing.

[52:28] It's incredible.

[52:30] Because it's so crazy.

[52:32] As you guys know, like, I own this.

[52:34] This isn't the product of, like, a fucking Columbia House, like, splurge purchase, where

[52:38] I'm like, oh, Columbia House, take it up with my mom.

[52:42] What?

Dan McCoy

[52:43] You know, where you'd fucking buy, like, a million cities.

Stuart Wellington

[52:46] For a penny, and it turns out it actually costs $1,000.

[52:48] You don't pay for them, apparently?

[52:49] No, of course not.

[52:50] You make up, like, seven different accounts with different names.

[52:52] So, come on, Dan.

[52:54] There's a reason Columbia House went out of business, and it's Stuart.

[52:57] Yeah, you just gotta shack up with, like, a Fagin-esque character, and they'll teach you

[53:00] how to rip off Columbia House.

[53:02] So, yeah, like, I like this movie.

[53:06] I don't, I shouldn't, there's no real, I can't defend it.

Elliott Kalan

[53:10] I honestly, there's part of me that wishes I could feel that way about it, but I think

[53:14] my, like, younger obsession with Star Wars has just faded to the point where I like the

[53:21] Star Wars movies that I like, and I don't like the Star Wars movies that I don't like,

[53:24] and it's, they don't have that connection for me that they once had.

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] I can't completely separate it anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[53:29] It's the kind, it's, I guess you guys feel about it the same way I feel about, like,

[53:33] Spider-Man comics, where I'll continue reading them even when they're terrible.

[53:37] Because when it's good, because I love the character so much.

[53:40] As long as the web head is, what's, what's, bitten, like, juice on people.

[53:44] As long as that friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is cracking yucks and making bucks.

[53:50] Oh, man, you phoned that one in.

Dan McCoy

[53:52] I was trying to think of some way.

[53:54] Jay Jonah, give me some bucks.

[53:57] Oh, I'll allow it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:01] Because he's a judge.

[54:02] Yeah.

[54:02] That's what the J stands for.

[54:04] I think, you know what it might be, is I used, is that the Star Wars universe filled a place

[54:07] for me when I was younger about a universe I could learn every detail of and really inhabit

[54:13] in my imagination and just find out every intricacy that I could.

[54:18] And to a certain extent, real history has taken that place in my heart.

[54:23] Yeah.

[54:23] Where it's like, oh, I can learn all about what America was like in the 1860s or ancient Rome

[54:30] or medieval times.

[54:31] Like, there's a real universe that I can, that I've translated that feeling to.

Stuart Wellington

[54:35] Yeah.

[54:36] You've grown up a little bit and I have not.

Elliott Kalan

[54:38] I don't even know if it's grown up, but I found something else that fills the space that

[54:42] Star Wars once filled.

[54:43] So when I see detritus like this that I should have a sentimental attachment to, I'm just like,

[54:48] forget it.

[54:50] So, uh-uh.

Dan McCoy

[54:52] Let's...

[54:52] No, you don't.

[54:54] Let's quickly go through a few letters.

[54:56] I know that we're running long, but let's do a few letters.

[54:58] It's almost as if we don't have a time for a letter song, Dan.

[55:01] It is as if that is the case.

Elliott Kalan

[55:03] But that's not the case.

[55:05] Hey, everybody.

[55:07] Beep.

Elliott Kalan

[55:07] Boop.

[55:08] Boop.

[55:08] You mailed us some letters.

[55:11] Sorry, the Postal Service producing this.

[55:13] What the fuck?

[55:14] Wick, who could have sent us these letters?

[55:17] Boop, boop, beep.

[55:17] Could we get a letter from Shredder?

[55:19] Boop, boop, beep.

[55:20] Probably not.

[55:21] He's a fictional ninja.

[55:24] But a real-life ninja should write in and give us the truth about his tooth.

[55:29] Is there a cyanide pill in there in case he gets caught?

[55:33] Letters.

Dan McCoy

[55:34] Is it free-ranked?

[55:35] I got thrown off by the beep-boops.

Stuart Wellington

[55:40] It's the Star Wars one where we got a droid back in the side.

[55:43] The Flap House house droid was really throwing me off.

Elliott Kalan

[55:44] Yeah, Max Rebo.

[55:47] Okay, you know what would have made this a good, bad movie?

[55:48] If Max Rebo was in it.

[55:50] If there was a scene where Max Rebo and Size Noodles were like a struggling music crew,

[55:54] and you just saw them lugging their amps around.

Stuart Wellington

[55:57] Max Rebo's got like sideburns and Size Noodles.

[56:00] Because the best part of watching this...

[56:01] Has really big bangs?

Elliott Kalan

[56:02] The best part of watching this was watching the aliens that are from the older movies,

[56:09] and being like, oh, my son Greedo is going to Tatooine.

[56:12] My son Ponda Beba is also going to Tatooine.

[56:15] Hanging out with Med Student Evazan.

[56:17] Med Student Ev...

[56:18] Going out with Resident Evazan.

[56:20] Look out for Ria is at Java's Palace.

[56:23] At teen gangster Java the Hutt.

[56:26] Like, I would have wanted more references to every character in the series.

Dan McCoy

[56:30] All right, so this first letter is from Laura, last name withheld.

[56:34] She writes...

[56:34] Laura Linney?

[56:35] I found your podcast earlier this year...

[56:37] Laura Palmer, she's not dead.

[56:38] ...through Entertainment Weekly's must-listen and have been hooked ever since.

[56:41] Elliot has long since become my favorite flopper.

[56:44] Thank you, Lauren.

[56:45] Excellent choice.

[56:46] Rip up this letter.

[56:46] With his rapid-fire sass and self-professed reedy tone.

[56:51] Yes.

[56:52] Although I can't help...

[56:52] That's a nice way to put it.

[56:53] I can't help but feel for poor Dan, who just wants to read fan mail on his iPad.

[56:58] Still should rip up this letter.

[56:59] I confess to looking forward to Elliot's songs about the Flophouse mailbag the most.

[57:03] Thank you.

[57:04] Sorry, Dan.

[57:05] I realize I've only encouraged him to person the song yet again, didn't I?

Elliott Kalan

[57:08] Thank you, Laura, for the props.

[57:10] We don't have time.

[57:11] Thank you, Laura, for the thing you said about the songs that you love that I'm singing of.

[57:18] Song for Laura.

Dan McCoy

[57:20] And who can resist Stewart's...

[57:22] Oh, put this letter back together.

[57:24] Constant recommendations of Castle Freak and his devilish charm.

Elliott Kalan

[57:27] Me?

[57:28] He did sell his soul to the devil for charm.

Dan McCoy

[57:30] But at last, dear Floppers, I've finally come to my question for you guys, and it so happens

[57:34] to be this.

[57:34] If you ran into these Flophouse favorites, Gerard Butler, Catherine Heigl, and Nicolas Cage,

[57:39] what would you say to them?

[57:40] I can only hope you would offer them sage career advice as only you can.

[57:44] From Laura Lesley.

Stuart Wellington

[57:44] You mean sage career advice?

[57:47] Yeah.

[57:48] What would you say if you met Gremlin Battle?

[57:50] Who, me?

[57:50] Yeah.

[57:51] I'd be like...

[57:51] Didn't you guys see him on the show?

[57:54] No, we did not hang around the green room.

[57:56] Oh, okay.

[57:57] Gremlin Battler.

Elliott Kalan

[57:59] That's if...

[57:59] I mean, if I ran into Gerard Butler, I'd say like, hey, I enjoyed 300.

[58:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[58:05] And I'd end it there.

[58:06] Hey, keep Jason Mavericks.

[58:08] Mm-hmm.

[58:09] Hey, keep Whitehousing down.

Elliott Kalan

[58:11] Or had it was Olympus has fallen.

[58:13] You would get really mad if you fucked that up.

Dan McCoy

[58:15] If I ran into Catherine Heigl, I'd be like, I kind of liked One for the Money.

[58:20] Why don't you do more stuff like that where you're not angry?

Elliott Kalan

[58:23] I would say, what was it like working with Steven Soderbergh on the movie King of the Hill?

[58:27] Mm-hmm.

[58:29] What would you say, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[58:29] What was it like working with...

[58:30] To Catherine Heigl, you'd say, hey, stop making out with me, babe.

[58:33] I got a wife.

Dan McCoy

[58:34] You wouldn't go, D'Artagnan.

[58:35] You'd be like, what was it like making my father the hero?

Stuart Wellington

[58:39] She says it way more like scolding.

[58:41] Yeah.

[58:42] D'Artagnan.

Elliott Kalan

[58:44] If I met Nicolas Cage, again, I'd pick a movie I like of his.

[58:47] I'd say...

[58:48] I'd say, keep up the good work, Nicolas Cage.

[58:50] Don't change the thing.

[58:50] I'd say, Raising Arizona, from Raising Arizona to Bad Lieutenant, Board of Call New Orleans,

[58:54] you've done some fantastic work that meant a lot to me.

[58:56] You're an A-plus man.

[58:57] I'd say, keep me...

Stuart Wellington

[58:58] Every time someone asks you to do a movie, say yes, so we can flop it.

[59:02] Mm-hmm.

[59:02] I would say, hey, Nicolas Cage, my car's located over there.

[59:05] Let's go hang out for a while.

[59:07] Keep on keeping on.

Elliott Kalan

[59:08] Oh, I thought you meant because he's like a valet attendant.

[59:11] Oh, yeah, Nicolas Cage, my car's over there.

[59:13] If you could bring it back for me.

Stuart Wellington

[59:13] Keep on truckin'.

[59:17] So this letter...

[59:19] I wouldn't trust him with my car.

[59:20] He'd go all kinds of crazy with that, man.

[59:22] He'd be going in 60 seconds.

Elliott Kalan

[59:23] He'd crash it into a castle or something.

[59:25] Sell it for a castle.

Dan McCoy

[59:28] Pretty tiny castle.

Stuart Wellington

[59:29] Costs the same as a used car.

[59:31] Or maybe he's just complimenting my car.

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] He's taking your car part and turned it into a castle made out of car parts.

Dan McCoy

[59:41] This is titled, In Defense of Dan McCoy.

[59:44] It's from Brian, last name withheld.

[59:46] It says, Dan is not given the respect he deserves because he has what I call the shimp quality.

[59:52] Chimp quality?

[59:53] Yeah, he's like a chimp.

[59:53] The shimp quality.

[59:55] Elliot, obviously, is curly.

[59:57] He's immediately the one you notice first and is the superstar of the group.

[1:00:01] Who dies the youngest.

[1:00:02] So you appreciate him first.

[1:00:04] Stuart is Larry.

[1:00:05] He's not noticed right away, but once he is, he realizes what an integral and great part he is to the group.

[1:00:10] He adds to the pot without the flashiness of Elliot Curly, but helps elevate the rest.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:14] I think it's the other way around.

[1:00:16] I think I'm Moe and he's Curly.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:18] Dan is the last to be appreciated.

[1:00:20] The main reason is that he's the host, and being so, he has to harness the personalities of his co-host.

[1:00:25] He understands what makes a host great is stepping back and allowing others to shine while holding down the foundation.

[1:00:30] It is, unfortunately, the Zeppo role.

[1:00:33] Oof.

[1:00:34] I think you're overestimating Zeppo's importance to the Marx Brothers.

[1:00:38] As the straight man is usually not allowed to engage in the zany antics of the others,

[1:00:43] Dan falls into the only sane man comedy trope.

[1:00:46] A straight man who has craziness and wild characters all around him.

[1:00:49] Examples?

[1:00:50] Michael Bluth.

[1:00:51] Frazier.

[1:00:52] Dr. Watson.

[1:00:54] Jim Halpert.

[1:00:55] Tim Canterbury.

[1:00:56] Jerry Seinfeld.

[1:00:57] Agent Coulson.

[1:00:58] So why do I say...

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:59] Here's one.

[1:00:59] Dan, you know what?

[1:01:00] You'll feel praised by this.

[1:01:01] Bill Lobagans, Arthur Dent.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:03] You know, he's the real one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:04] I'll take Arthur Dent.

[1:01:05] No, you know who I'd compare you to?

[1:01:06] Kermit T. Frog.

[1:01:07] Thank you.

[1:01:08] That's probably the best.

[1:01:10] Probably the best one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:11] It's almost as if I'm Han Solo.

[1:01:12] It's Chewbacca and you get to be Luke Skywalker.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:14] I would prefer to be Kermit the Frog.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:18] It's almost like I'm Donatello.

[1:01:20] You're Raphael Michelangelo and you're Leonardo.

[1:01:22] Can we go back to Kermit?

[1:01:23] It's almost like you're Wolverine.

[1:01:25] I'm the beast.

[1:01:26] And you're Slykloffs.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:27] So why do I say...

[1:01:27] No, you're the Kermit of the group.

[1:01:29] Dan has the Shimp quality.

[1:01:30] Shimp is not the straight man.

[1:01:32] That role pretty much goes to Larry.

[1:01:34] I once read, in Jewish culture, a boy becomes a man when he turns 13.

[1:01:38] In Stooge culture, it happens when he learns to love Shimp.

[1:01:42] Shimp is not appreciated right away, almost totally because he's held up against the impossible

[1:01:46] shadow of Curly.

[1:01:48] However, once you actually stop comparing Shimp and start looking at him as his own person,

[1:01:54] you can begin to appreciate and then love Shimp.

[1:01:57] So the love of Dan McCoy is more of a slow burn.

[1:02:00] But because of that, it shines the brightest.

[1:02:03] Wow.

[1:02:03] I appreciate that backhandedest of backhanded compliments.

[1:02:08] I mean, being a Shimp is better than being the Zeppo.

[1:02:11] No, it is better than being the Zeppo.

[1:02:14] And also, you know, I like being the Shimp because that reminds me of Evil Dead.

[1:02:20] Yeah.

[1:02:21] And how they called all the random zombies the Shimps.

[1:02:24] And the stand-ins.

[1:02:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:26] So, thank you.

[1:02:27] Whatever gets you through the days, you know?

[1:02:30] When you're staring into the darkness.

[1:02:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:34] Well, if we were Ghostbusters, what would I think?

[1:02:36] What?

[1:02:36] You'd be...

[1:02:37] Stuart would be Peter Ringman.

[1:02:39] I guess I'd be Egon.

[1:02:41] And then what would you be?

[1:02:41] Ernie Hudson?

[1:02:43] You'd be Slimer?

[1:02:44] I can't.

[1:02:45] Wait.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:46] What's Rick Moranis' character again?

[1:02:47] I can't even be Ray.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:49] You will not even let me be Ray.

[1:02:50] I'll just be...

[1:02:51] Okay.

[1:02:51] You can be Ray.

[1:02:53] You would be Ray.

[1:02:53] That's true.

[1:02:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:54] Practice your cross-eyed blowjobs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:57] That's the receiving of blowjobs, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:00] Yeah.

[1:03:00] From a ghost.

[1:03:01] I'm not misinterpreting the movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:03] You gotta put on a Napoleon costume first.

[1:03:06] Lastly...

[1:03:06] Not the dessert.

[1:03:07] The...

Dan McCoy

[1:03:07] Oh, okay.

[1:03:10] Lastly, dear the Flophouse, this is from Auntie, last name withheld, in sunny Finland.

[1:03:17] Dear the Flophouse, what are wormy boners?

[1:03:20] Do I have one?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:21] Well, your doctor will be able to help you with that.

[1:03:24] If you think you have a wormy boner, you should probably see a physician.

[1:03:27] But Stuart, what would you say?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:29] Well, first off, it looks like a curlicue pigtail.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:33] I always assumed that the crypt keeper has a wormy boner.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:38] Yeah, because he's a rotting corpse.

[1:03:39] In all your mental images.

[1:03:41] Yeah.

[1:03:41] Because there's no actual images of police.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:43] The crypt keeper is like in his crypt, searching the World Wide Web.

[1:03:49] Picking a louse.

[1:03:50] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:51] I needed a prescription for Viagra because I had erectile decomposition.

[1:03:55] Yeah.

[1:03:56] He's got a...

[1:03:57] He's got a...

Dan McCoy

[1:03:57] He's got a wormy boner.

[1:03:59] It was pretty good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:00] Raceway Park.

[1:04:02] He's...

[1:04:03] That's for anyone listening who grew up in the tri-state region.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:05] He's having sex with MILFs.

[1:04:07] That's mummy I like to fuck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:10] That's basically like in the Frighteners, right?

[1:04:12] Yeah.

[1:04:13] When...

[1:04:13] When the...

[1:04:14] When the...

[1:04:15] John Astin.

[1:04:15] John Astin as the cowboy ghost has sex with a mummy.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:19] He likes it when they just lie there.

[1:04:21] Oh.

[1:04:22] Oh.

[1:04:22] Look, that's not my joke.

[1:04:23] That's...

[1:04:24] It's in the movie, right?

[1:04:25] Yeah.

[1:04:26] You can't be blamed for it.

[1:04:27] Yeah.

[1:04:28] I can be blamed for remembering it.

[1:04:29] Certainly.

[1:04:32] So thank you for your letters, as always.

[1:04:35] Didn't really answer the question, but okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:37] Moving on.

[1:04:38] I think we both described it pretty well.

[1:04:40] Okay.

[1:04:40] The crypt keeper looks like a pig's curly cute tail.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:43] All right.

[1:04:44] I already erased that from my memory.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:47] Now, lastly.

[1:04:49] But not firstly.

[1:04:50] Is the part of the podcast where we recommend a movie that you should watch instead of Star

[1:04:56] Wars Episode II, Attack of the Clones.

[1:04:58] Elliot, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:00] I'm going to recommend a movie I enjoyed.

[1:05:03] Well, enjoyed might be the wrong word.

[1:05:05] It was a good movie, but it's not a comedy or nothing.

[1:05:09] It's a recent film called War Witch.

[1:05:11] It came out last year.

[1:05:13] That sounds awesome.

[1:05:14] And it's a French-language movie mostly set in Africa where it's in sub-Saharan Africa about

[1:05:25] a 12-year-old girl who is kidnapped by soldiers and forced to become a child soldier.

[1:05:31] First, they forced her to kill her parents in front of them.

[1:05:35] And then they induct her.

[1:05:38] And she seems to be able to see the spirits of the deceased who warn her of danger.

[1:05:44] And so she gains a reputation among the rebels that she's been forced to serve with as a war witch.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:50] Is this the movie that you keep trying to get Hallie to watch?

[1:05:52] I think Hallie would like it.

[1:05:53] Not keep.

[1:05:53] I recommended it to her once.

[1:05:56] I feel like I've been in the room at least three times when this has happened.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:59] I don't think so.

[1:06:01] Sounds like right up Hallie's alley.

[1:06:02] I don't know what you're talking about.

[1:06:04] The way I'm describing it sounds more supernatural than it is.

[1:06:06] It's more about this girl being forced into a very hellish situation.

[1:06:10] Sounds like the ghost whisperer.

[1:06:11] It's not the ghost whisperer.

[1:06:13] It is the farthest thing from the ghost whisperer.

[1:06:17] Jennifer Love Hewitt's ghost cleavage show.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:20] That's the ghost with the most whispers, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:22] But it's more about her trying to escape these men with the help of a slightly older boy named Magician,

[1:06:29] who they believe has magic powers,

[1:06:32] and trying to get away from these soldiers and then trying to live with the things that she's been forced to do.

[1:06:37] And it was just a really good movie.

[1:06:40] It was harsh at times, but it was touching at other times.

[1:06:42] And I thought they did a really great job of telling the story without being overly sensational

[1:06:47] or overly maudlin about kind of the plight of child soldiers after they stop fighting.

[1:06:55] So War Witch, I thought it was very good.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:56] I would like to recommend a movie.

[1:06:59] I saw an advanced screening of the Coen Brothers new movie, Inside Llewyn Davis.

[1:07:06] I have been forbidden by Elliot from saying too much because he doesn't want any spoilers.

[1:07:11] I can leave the room.

[1:07:12] No, no, it's fine.

[1:07:13] I will say about this movie.

[1:07:16] Starting at the end.

[1:07:17] Elliot was not necessarily...

[1:07:20] Like, he loves the Coen Brothers.

[1:07:22] Like, I love the Coen Brothers.

[1:07:23] I think they're great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:24] And I think they're possibly the best living filmmakers in America, certainly.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:28] But he was not particularly excited about this film just because the subject matter, he didn't find that interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:34] Because the folk world of the 60s, I can give a shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:36] Yeah, and I'm not, you know, I'm not particularly interested in the folk scene of early 1960s Greenwich Village, New York.

[1:07:45] That said, I love this movie, Start to Finish.

[1:07:49] It might be my favorite movie that I've seen released this year.

[1:07:56] It does have a wonderful soundtrack, even though I'm not a folky by any means.

[1:08:01] T-Bone Burnett, of course, is known for putting together great soundtracks.

[1:08:05] And a great steak.

[1:08:09] But it's a...

[1:08:10] New York strip?

[1:08:10] I will say it's a movie that...

[1:08:12] Prime rib.

[1:08:12] It is a movie that is not dependent on plot at all.

[1:08:18] It is a very mood-driven film.

[1:08:23] And it is a sort of a examination of a guy who is stubbornly a failure.

[1:08:34] And not because the world is against him often, but because he is just a failure by nature.

[1:08:44] Like, he makes his own failure in spite of being a wonderful folk musician.

[1:08:48] And it has this bittersweet, wintry mood about it.

[1:08:55] And it's a character study.

[1:08:57] It's a studying mood.

[1:08:58] It's not a heavily plotted film, but it's one I think that will stick with you if you see it.

[1:09:02] So that's my recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:05] I'm going to recommend seeing the next movie in the pod crawl.

[1:09:10] Star Wars episode 3.

[1:09:11] Revenge of the Sniff.

[1:09:13] And I'm also going to recommend...

[1:09:14] Revenge of the Snuff.

[1:09:15] Which you should watch so you can get prepped.

[1:09:17] You can bone up on your Star Wars bullshit for the next one of these.

[1:09:21] And I'm also going to recommend a movie I don't think I've ever actually recommended,

[1:09:25] but I may have mentioned.

[1:09:27] Also featuring...

[1:09:28] It's called Head of the Family.

[1:09:29] Star Wars star Ewan McGregor.

[1:09:33] It's called Nightwatch.

[1:09:34] It's called A Life Less Ordinary.

[1:09:36] And it's like a horror movie thriller starring...

[1:09:40] It's an early Ewan McGregor.

[1:09:41] Yeah.

[1:09:42] It's based on a Scandinavian film.

[1:09:44] Yeah.

[1:09:44] I think you're right.

[1:09:46] It does not feature...

[1:09:47] What is it?

[1:09:48] Vampires?

[1:09:49] What's in that Russian one?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:50] It's not...

[1:09:50] Yeah.

[1:09:50] It's not the one about the forces of good and evil.

[1:09:53] It's about a...

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:54] It's about a...

[1:09:55] It's about a...

[1:09:56] What?

[1:09:56] A med student who...

[1:09:58] Yeah.

[1:09:58] Works as a night watchman at a...

[1:10:01] At a mortuary.

[1:10:03] And it...

[1:10:04] Up until...

[1:10:06] Up until...

[1:10:07] That...

[1:10:08] The recent Ty West film.

[1:10:09] What is that?

[1:10:10] House of the Devil?

[1:10:11] I haven't seen a movie that so perfectly captures that feeling of creepiness of walking around

[1:10:16] a big building by yourself.

[1:10:18] Mm-hmm.

[1:10:19] Well, aside from mirrors.

[1:10:20] When he goes to that abandoned department building in the middle of Manhattan.

[1:10:23] Yeah, but that one wasn't creepy.

[1:10:26] And there isn't a CGI demon spoiler alert in this one.

[1:10:30] And there's a young Josh Brolin in it who's very good.

[1:10:34] Nick Nolte is super creepy as usual.

[1:10:37] And yeah, it's great.

[1:10:38] I recommend it.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:41] So that brings us to the end of our part in the pod crawl.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:45] Our part in the pod crawl.

[1:10:47] If you want to listen to the first part.

[1:10:49] Laser sword.

[1:10:50] Laser sword.

[1:10:50] Han Solo's.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:51] If you want to listen to the first part, check it out.

[1:10:53] Read it and weep.

[1:10:54] If you want to listen to the third part in a week or more.

[1:10:59] I'm not exactly sure when it comes out.

[1:11:01] It'll come out at the end of this month.

[1:11:03] Listen to Proudly Resents.

[1:11:04] Mm-hmm.

[1:11:05] And, you know, it's a trilogy that at least will be on par with the movies that we watch.

[1:11:13] But until next time.

[1:11:15] We're the worst one, right?

[1:11:17] Yeah, just like in the original.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:18] We're the worst one.

[1:11:19] We won the award.

[1:11:22] Someone throw us in the Sarlacc.

[1:11:24] As punishment.

[1:11:25] We're going to be digested for a thousand years.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:29] Along with, I'm assuming, a shitload of dewbacks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:32] That just wandered in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:35] Because it looks delicious.

[1:11:36] And then you think it's just a giant asshole in the sand.

[1:11:38] And then a fucking beak comes out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:39] It looks delicious.

[1:11:40] This enormous toothed sand rectum.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:43] Yeah, real delicious.

[1:11:44] The anal dentata.

[1:11:47] The legendary.

[1:11:48] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[1:11:48] Chill out.

[1:11:49] Come on.

[1:11:49] There's a beak.

[1:11:50] Come on.

[1:11:51] And tentacles.

[1:11:52] There's a beak in the special edition.

[1:11:55] In the original movies, it's just a rubbery throat.

[1:11:58] We'll keep arguing about Star Trek ephemera after the podcast is over.

[1:12:01] Star Trek?

[1:12:02] What the hell are you talking about?

[1:12:03] Jesus Christ.

[1:12:05] Abort.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:06] Abort.

[1:12:06] You're going to get us killed.

[1:12:07] We've got to get out of this neighborhood.

[1:12:10] We're the podcast.

[1:12:13] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:12:15] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:12:16] And if you're anyone's, I am not Ellie and Kaelin.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:18] Good night, everyone.

[1:12:20] Make it so.

[1:12:23] Warp speed.

[1:12:36] Sorry.

[1:12:36] I'm really gassing, I guess.

[1:12:38] Oh, shit.

[1:12:39] We're recording.

[1:12:39] Uh-oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:40] Live mic.

[1:12:41] Everyone on the internet knows that you fart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:43] That is terrible smelling, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:45] I apologize.

[1:12:47] Wow.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:51] That's because I'm...

[1:12:52] I think that's because of the cat more than anything else.

[1:12:56] No.

[1:12:57] No, no.

[1:12:57] I mean my coughing.

[1:12:58] Not because of your fart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:00] I think Dan's going to cry.

The Flop House: Episode #139 - Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones

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