The Flop House: Episode #139 - Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones

[0:00] In this, our contribution to the 2013 Podcrawl, we discuss Attack of the Clones.

[0:07] And remember, you only have until December 1st to get those He's the Housecat music video contest entries in.

[0:15] So get to it.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:45] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Stuart.

[0:48] And everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:52] Stuart's last name is Wellington, by the way.

[0:54] Like the beef that bears his name.

[0:56] Not Stuart Pankin

[0:59] Of that necessarily the news

[1:01] You may remember

[1:03] Not

[1:05] Not carrot necessarily the news

[1:08] Not Stuart Panko

[1:10] Which is the breading you find on a lot of Asian food

[1:12] If you're gonna make

[1:13] Stuart Tempura

[1:15] You want some Stuart Panko

[1:16] Yep

[1:17] Oh boy

[1:20] This is neither an early days of HBO podcast

[1:23] Nor is it a cooking podcast

[1:25] This is a bad movies podcast

[1:27] Where we

[1:29] Watch a bad movie

[1:30] And then talk about it

[1:32] Step one, watch a bad movie

[1:34] Step two, talk about it

[1:36] Now Dan, I believe this is a special episode

[1:38] How so? It's a crossover if you will

[1:40] Well this is the episode

[1:41] This is where we threw off the chains of Dan's oppression

[1:44] Of making us watch recently released bad movies

[1:46] This is a very special episode

[1:48] Where we deal with your addiction to angel dust

[1:51] I don't have a problem

[1:52] You have a problem

[1:54] I can stop whenever I want.

[1:55] Don't mind if I do.

[1:56] All right, well, I guess he doesn't have a problem, guys.

[1:59] You know how they get it.

[2:00] It's technically the dandruff from angels' heads.

[2:03] Elliot turned to angel dust when he was auditioning for that role as a micromachines pitchman.

[2:08] Yeah, it's the only thing that can keep me talking fast enough.

[2:11] But it wasn't fast enough.

[2:12] Should have taken devil dust.

[2:14] Excuse me, I have to wig out and jump out a window, a la Helen Hunt.

[2:19] You sounded like a behind-the-music narrator.

[2:23] It was the only thing that could keep him talking fast enough, but it wasn't fast enough.

[2:26] Unfortunately, it wasn't fast enough.

[2:29] He was running as fast as he could, but life runs a little faster.

[2:33] It soon caught up with him, and he was caught in a net of his own devising,

[2:39] a net he tied in his work as a fisherman.

[2:41] Okay.

[2:44] Flash forward.

[2:46] He had hit rock bottom, literally falling to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

[2:51] You would say, isn't there a river down there?

[2:53] Yes, but it was dry that year.

[2:55] This is a very special episode.

[2:59] So, years later,

[2:59] Sticks and Stones might break his bones,

[3:03] and they did,

[3:04] as the members of Sticks

[3:05] and the cast of the TV show Bones

[3:07] attacked him.

[3:08] Oh, it's Stones that are not Bones?

[3:13] As the members of Sticks and the Rolling Stones

[3:15] broke his pictures of the members of Bones.

[3:19] The members of Sticks and Bones.

[3:19] Think about it.

[3:21] Okay, let's go back in time and change the saying to stick some bones.

[3:24] Think of the black line posters you could get with that saying on them.

[3:26] So what's special about this episode, Dan?

[3:30] This is part of a brand new thing, unless someone else invented it.

[3:35] But it's a pod crawl.

[3:36] It's still pretty new, I guess.

[3:38] Wherein we're doing this in concert with two other bad movie podcasts.

[3:44] Number one, Read It and Weep.

[3:46] And number three, Proudly Resents.

[3:49] And we are number two in the lineup.

[3:50] And what is a pod crawl? Explain it.

[3:53] A pod crawl, the idea was we would take a linked series of movies

[3:58] and during a month, in this case the month of November,

[4:02] the month we are in now, watch those movies and release them in order.

[4:06] And so last week, Read It and Weep watched episode one.

[4:12] Of what?

[4:14] Of the Star Wars films.

[4:17] Yeah, they watch episode one of The Wire.

[4:19] The Phantom Menace.

[4:21] Oh, the Phantom Menace.

[4:23] And we watched tonight.

[4:25] Which means no menace, right?

[4:26] Just a phantom?

[4:27] Attack of the Clowns.

[4:29] Star Wars Episode II, send in the clones.

[4:33] Proudly presents...

[4:35] This is your A-plus material, right?

[4:37] Star Wars Episode II.

[4:38] Everybody likes a clone, so why don't you?

[4:42] And Proudly presents, in a week or so, we'll do Revenge of the Sith.

[4:48] We're all watching these shitty Star Wars prequels, right?

[4:51] Star Wars Episode III, Revenge of the Nerds.

[4:52] Yeah.

[4:52] So, um...

[4:54] Nerds in Paradise.

[4:55] All right, we got...

[4:56] That was the second one, right?

[4:57] I think it was, like, the 50th one.

[5:00] Real quick.

[5:00] Maybe it was the second one.

[5:01] Which one was Nerds in Love?

[5:02] That's...

[5:04] Wait, they're all in love in all of them, right?

[5:06] No, but there's one called...

[5:07] It's a movie about love.

[5:08] Okay.

[5:08] And about tricking someone into love by wearing a Darth Vader helmet.

[5:12] Hey, Darth Vader, he's a character who came out of the movie we just watched.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] And what movie was that, Dan?

[5:17] It was Revenge of the Clowns.

[5:18] It was

[5:20] Attack of the Clones

[5:21] Stonewalk's episode

[5:24] Due

[5:25] Revenge of the Clowns

[5:27] We watched Captain EO tonight

[5:29] In 3D

[5:31] We watched Robert Zadar Wars

[5:33] Robert

[5:34] It's the story of a race of people with huge faces

[5:37] Who are fighting

[5:39] They have chin fights

[5:40] They have chin fights

[5:41] And at the end they go

[5:42] I love the practical effects

[5:43] They yell Tangle

[5:45] Ah Stuart there were no effects

[5:47] That was his face

[5:48] the ultimate special effect so damn um because robert sadar's face is the ultimate special

[5:56] effect off the top x2 the art of robert sadar's face i just want to acknowledge something before

[6:01] we get too deep into this okay before we get episode two attack of the clones deep we were

[6:06] a little concerned uh that the star wars bone has been uh cleaned of comedy then cracked open

[6:15] sucked of its marrow

[6:17] and discarded

[6:19] in the compactor

[6:22] from the first Star Wars.

[6:23] The bone itself was ground up to make Star Wars bread

[6:25] for a star giant.

[6:27] But, um,

[6:28] I don't know. I mean, Stuart, we actually watched

[6:32] your DVD copy

[6:33] of Attack of the Clones.

[6:35] I'm gonna out you.

[6:36] Normally I'd think people would be like,

[6:40] Stuart owns that? That's nerdy.

[6:41] But I know that when Stuart reveals he does something

[6:43] ultra nerdy, everyone's like,

[6:45] That's so sexy that he plays role-playing games.

[6:48] Total sploosh.

[6:49] That's so sexy that he reads 70s sci-fi novels.

[6:52] All these things that would be nerdy if Elliot did it.

[6:55] If Stuart does it, it's totally sexified.

[6:57] He's got fucking Warcraft novels.

[6:58] He's the sexiest man on the street.

[7:00] No, they're Warhammer novels.

[7:01] Yeah, it's not fucking Warcraft novels.

[7:02] Whatever.

[7:03] Get the fuck out of here.

[7:03] Come on.

[7:04] Warcraft, Warhammer.

[7:05] They're very different.

[7:06] Yeah, completely different.

[7:07] Dan, don't embarrass us.

[7:09] Completely different IPs.

[7:10] IPs?

[7:12] As a lawyer would say.

[7:14] Where I was getting to with this, though, was Stuart may have seen this movie multiple times.

[7:18] I believe Elliot and I, we haven't seen this since the theater.

[7:22] I think the theater was the first time I saw this, and it's sad that I remember.

[7:25] I think I saw it twice in the theater.

[7:26] Yeah.

[7:26] But I'm a big nerd.

[7:28] Except that the women are like, oh, he saw Star Wars Episode II twice.

[7:33] Yeah, like I totally hang out with girls and stuff.

[7:35] Calgon, take me away.

[7:36] That doesn't mean I'm not a nerd.

[7:37] No, anyway.

[7:39] But the point is we're coming to this relatively fresh.

[7:41] Well, what's weird is that there's so many movies I've liked more that I remember less well than this one, which I don't like.

[7:47] And I saw it once, and watching it again, I was like, oh, yeah, this scene.

[7:51] Oh, yeah, this scene.

[7:52] Like, I remembered it so well.

[7:53] And I don't know why it, for such a fairly generic movie, imposed itself onto my memory so strongly.

[8:01] Well, because, you know, Star Wars imprinted upon you at a young age.

[8:04] And that meant that anything bearing that name seemed important to you, no matter how bad it was.

[8:11] I actually imprinted on Star Wars when I hatched.

[8:13] The first thing I saw was Star Wars, and so I thought I was a Star War.

[8:16] And I followed it around.

[8:18] I thought it was my mommy.

[8:18] I imprinted on it.

[8:22] Anyway, but you're right.

[8:24] So growing up, Star Wars, speaking for myself, can't speak for you guys, was hugely important.

[8:29] I spent a lot of time reading the ancillary novels and guides to the various characters and ships and planets.

[8:35] That's interesting.

[8:36] Playing your dark forces on PC and things like that.

[8:39] Yeah, sure.

[8:39] shadows the empire for the n64 kyle catarns and the dark forces game right yeah like see i'm a

[8:44] jedi named kyle i went the other way the first jedi the hero the first movie's named luke come

[8:50] on yeah skywalker dude that's a cool guy i gotta say like i went the other way in my love of star

[8:55] wars which is i loved the star wars movies but i love them and because i love them i viewed other

[9:02] star wars stuff as non-canonical i don't want to waste my time with that i mean that seems super

[9:08] nerdy i did love to get the toys and play with them see i never played with the toys i loved the

[9:14] movies as a kid and i read the books when i was in like late elementary and middle school and it

[9:19] was like i wanted to learn everything about this universe and i think i wasn't coming very handy

[9:25] later life kind of has in my in my day job what i tell my wife all the time she says when we have

[9:31] kids they're not going to watch tv all the time and i say look if i didn't watch tv all the time

[9:36] as a kid i wouldn't be able to do my job today they're gonna watch like fucking space holograms

[9:39] and shit i don't think so i mean my kids are gonna grow up in the next couple of years probably

[9:44] it's gonna be like the year 2057 you know with their robo nannies in their moon playhouses

[9:51] anyway so so like but star wars was a big thing and i learned about every little bit of it and i

[9:56] think i started to ease off of it before the prequels came out so but when the prequels came

[10:02] out there was still that rush of like a new star wars thing like i know the old ones so well

[10:06] like just hearing the music gets me to like shudder in an excited way you know brings back

[10:11] those memories and then the prequels were like your prostate and then the prequels came out it

[10:17] was like well you know what this was a fun thing when i was a kid yeah like i kind of i i slowed

[10:22] off uh childish things for a little bit you know what this like this is an argument that actually

[10:26] my brother has made to me that like he's like you know what the originals were silly they weren't as

[10:31] good as you think like well i disagree with that yeah well no like i do too but like he's like

[10:37] he wasn't defending the the prequels per se but he was like i think he was saying that people were

[10:43] unduly hard on the prequels because they were unduly soft on the original movies but the

[10:49] original movies were silly i agree with that but silly in such a smarter way silly in the way of

[10:54] like this is a fun adventure whereas you watch the prequels and you're like this is a boring

[11:00] exposition-filled slog

[11:02] and the characters are really lame.

[11:04] There's a lot of people sitting around conference tables

[11:06] talking about things. So many scenes of people sitting around

[11:08] talking about stuff.

[11:09] You could say the original trilogy had some kind of

[11:12] like a pulp sensibility

[11:14] to it, which this doesn't.

[11:16] In Star Wars, there's a scene where they're sitting around

[11:18] a table talking in the Millennium Falcon.

[11:20] They're sitting around the table talking while they play

[11:22] three-dimensional monster chess,

[11:24] which is great. In the movies

[11:26] in here, they're just sitting around normal tables.

[11:29] where's the monster chest guys but where's like a visual thing to get your attention or a detail

[11:33] of the world they live in that makes it exciting instead they're like yeah there's been all these

[11:38] crazy battles and planets are planets are defecting oh we wish we could show it to you but we uh we

[11:43] can't we can't so i'll just say it right now but should we go over the plot of this yeah yeah so

[11:47] you haven't seen it that many times and you claim to remember what happens well i mean we also just

[11:52] watched it oh yeah i had a hard time i gotta say i had a hard time i've seen it a couple times and

[11:58] I still don't know what's going on.

[11:59] Well, because the character motivations don't make sense,

[12:01] and the plot is needlessly complicated.

[12:04] But let's see if we can figure it out, okay?

[12:05] Together.

[12:06] It's kind of a mystery, right?

[12:07] So at the end of the last movie...

[12:09] It's a riddle wrapped in an enigma.

[12:09] ...wrapped in a special effect that doesn't look very good.

[12:13] And the special effects have aged.

[12:15] They didn't look great at the time.

[12:16] They've aged very poorly.

[12:18] Now it looks all the more like a cutscene from a video game.

[12:22] So we'll start...

[12:23] Okay, and at the end of the last movie,

[12:24] Anakin Skywalker was a little kid.

[12:26] They had defeated the Trade Federation, which had blockaded the planet Naboo for God knows what reason.

[12:32] Now that's the race of Asian aliens, right?

[12:34] The aliens that are Asian stereotypes.

[12:35] Okay, but they're also techno-fetishists and love robots.

[12:38] Yeah, they have a weakness.

[12:40] Yeah, and a lot of them, some of them lock themselves in their room starting at teenage,

[12:46] and then they live that way forever, forcing their parents to leave food outside the door,

[12:50] while they live more in the virtual world than in the real one.

[12:53] Sure, they're real runners.

[12:56] so anyway

[12:57] console cowboys

[12:58] so it's the

[12:59] they're the Asian aliens

[13:00] as opposed to the Gungans

[13:01] which are the offensive

[13:02] black aliens

[13:02] okay

[13:03] now

[13:03] now it's

[13:04] 10 years later

[13:05] we find that

[13:07] Queen Amidala

[13:08] who has not aged a day

[13:10] amazing

[13:11] she is almost

[13:12] assassinated

[13:13] in an attempt

[13:14] that kills one of her

[13:15] body doubles

[13:15] it's decided

[13:16] but not her other

[13:17] body double

[13:18] who I was surprised

[13:19] to learn

[13:19] was played by Rose Byrne

[13:21] I think she's just

[13:21] an assistant

[13:22] not a body double

[13:22] she doesn't look like her

[13:23] but that's something

[13:25] that was set up in the first one, right?

[13:26] That she has body doubles.

[13:27] She has like a legion of body doubles.

[13:29] She has it much like Saddam Hussein,

[13:31] whom Natalie Portman, you know, resembles in many ways.

[13:34] She has a legion of body doubles who act as decoys.

[13:38] That was one of the funniest things I thought

[13:39] at the beginning of the movie

[13:40] was when the body double gets blown up as she's dying.

[13:44] She talks to Queen Amidala and she says,

[13:45] I'm sorry, I failed you.

[13:47] And I'm like, no, you did exactly what you're supposed to do.

[13:49] Get blown up instead of the Queen Amidala.

[13:51] I mean, come on.

[13:52] Let's do it.

[13:53] Yeah, get the gold medal.

[13:55] Give her the medal that Chewbacca didn't get at the end of Star Wars.

[13:57] Yeah, you think at the end she should have been like,

[13:59] yes, I feel like I've done my job, or something like that.

[14:02] And then faded away into a ghost.

[14:04] Like the light from heaven shines down.

[14:06] Yeah, she turns into an Obi-Wan ghost.

[14:08] From space heaven.

[14:08] Yeah, the particles, like it's sucked into a weird bracelet that Amidala has.

[14:14] She gains the power of her devils.

[14:17] Yeah, of course.

[14:17] So anyway, it's decided she needs more protection.

[14:19] Well, who better to protect her than Anakin Skywalker,

[14:23] The little boy she discovered, I guess.

[14:26] I don't know.

[14:26] Now a hot dog Padawan.

[14:28] Now a Padawan to his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[14:31] Now, here's the thing.

[14:34] A big problem is that it's ten years later.

[14:37] Anakin Skywalker has gone from a child to a young adult.

[14:40] Puberty, man.

[14:41] And Amidala has not changed at all.

[14:44] And he has a big crush on her.

[14:45] He's been thinking about her every day for ten years.

[14:47] Like you do when you fall in love with someone at age ten.

[14:51] And you just keep thinking about them.

[14:53] even if you haven't seen them for years and years and years.

[14:55] Now, here, the age problem is a real issue here

[14:58] because in the first movie, Anakin is, like, 9,

[15:01] and Amidala is clearly, like, 20-something.

[15:03] But for this movie to work out,

[15:05] you have to pretend that Anakin was, like, 11

[15:08] and Amidala was, like, 15 or 16.

[15:10] And so now he's, like, 21 and she's, like, 25, 26.

[15:14] Then it's a little okay.

[15:15] Otherwise, it's just the age difference is just much bigger, you know?

[15:19] And, hey, what's to say that a guy in his 20s

[15:22] couldn't be into a girl in her 30s you know or late 30s come on let's just make this like a sam

[15:28] keith comic where there's a younger guy and an older woman come on sure i mean that's your point

[15:34] of reference is that the most obscure reference i've made it's not like that was it my codex

[15:38] seraphinianus reference from last episode like that doesn't it's not like that doesn't happen

[15:42] it usually doesn't happen when the lady knew the person when they were a kid like if pornography

[15:48] has taught me anything it happens all the time okay but it usually happens with a sponge bath

[15:52] but it usually happens with a clearly 40 year old guy who has his uh baseball cap on backwards which

[15:58] is what indicates that he's a team that he's like a guy that's 19 years old or something so anyway

[16:02] and chewing gum yeah not wearing underpants for some reason

[16:06] under his easily removed jogging pants uh so anyway they they're they're assigned as her

[16:16] bodyguards or whatever yeah and she is attacked by a bounty hunter using some kind of worm robot gun

[16:23] it's a robot that shoots worms that i guess are gonna poison her or something yeah anakin senses

[16:28] it runs in and very like a little too excitedly slashes the worms off of her with a lightsaber

[16:35] he could have killed her easily and that that robot's like oh shit i gotta get out of here

[16:40] yeah he hauls metal butt out of that place but not fast enough before obi-wan kenobi can jump

[16:46] on him uh but let's before we get to the chase scene in coruscant city sure there's uh by this

[16:53] point of meetings there's already a lot of meetings let's read the minutes there's a lot

[16:58] all right yoda says uh yoda backwards syntax now it's already been set up that anakin has a crush

[17:06] on queen amidala and that she sees him as a little boy and there's a scene is this before after she

[17:12] says don't look at me like that it makes me uncomfortable like this was before that it's

[17:16] but it's very clear already to the audience that he is creepy yeah he's a creepy creep he doesn't

[17:22] come off as like this lost romantic who's pining for the girl of his dreams if only she would

[17:27] notice him he comes off as like a stalker he's less lloyd dobler and more what's his name in

[17:32] sliver and the like as i said like the only convincing line in the scenes between those two

[17:37] is when she says don't look at me like that it makes me uncomfortable yeah uh so they but anyway

[17:43] there's an assassination attempt obi-wan and anakin chase using their flying speeder car

[17:48] chase the bounty hunter who they catch but then the bounty like the big for the first big set

[17:55] the first big action set piece where there's a lot of like here's the role there's a lot of banter

[18:00] but everything's so lazily performed and done like it's shot as if you're just watching it

[18:05] from a distance most of the time and anakin and obi-wan are supposed to be in this flying speeder

[18:09] car that is banking at these ridiculous angles and like zooming down towards the ground and the

[18:16] looks on their faces they might as well be like in a vibrating chair to hammer the slammer store

[18:21] like they don't look particularly scared they don't look particularly excited there's banter

[18:25] where it's like i hate when he does that but it's so lazily and so quietly delivered that it's like

[18:30] was that supposed to be a gag

[18:32] and Hayden Christensen struggles over it

[18:35] I mean he's got like marbles in his mouth or something

[18:37] yeah I believe that much like

[18:39] I believe it was Cicero to practice

[18:41] his oratory he would speak

[18:43] with pebbles in his mouth to lose his stutter

[18:45] but I think it's more likely

[18:46] he forgot to remove the pebbles

[18:47] it's more likely that Hayden Christensen

[18:50] just mumbles a lot

[18:52] it's like he thinks he's

[18:55] inventing Marlon Brando's way of acting

[18:57] and sometimes that works for him

[18:58] can I take a break to talk about Hayden Christensen

[19:00] Okay, this is a Dan official timeout?

[19:03] Trademark?

[19:03] Dan just pulled a Zach Morris, said timeout, pulled out his big phone, and called up Hayden Christensen.

[19:08] Time has stopped.

[19:09] It might be premature to discuss this, but part of the reason why the romance is so creepy

[19:13] is that Hayden Christensen, number one, as an actor, just seems like a petulant guy in this movie

[19:20] rather than like a passionate guy.

[19:23] The things that work so well for him in Shattered Glass, where he is a petulant liar

[19:27] who's been caught

[19:28] in this web of fiction

[19:30] he's spun around himself

[19:31] does not work here

[19:32] when he's supposed to be

[19:33] a tragic hero

[19:33] who loves a woman

[19:35] and then falls from grace

[19:36] because he

[19:36] cares too much

[19:38] I don't know

[19:38] yeah but also like

[19:39] he looks very strange

[19:41] in this movie

[19:41] let's just like

[19:42] I mean

[19:42] I spent

[19:43] what because of his

[19:44] rat tail ponytail

[19:44] well this part

[19:45] look I

[19:46] it's the single braid

[19:47] isn't it

[19:48] number one

[19:48] is it his leather karate key

[19:50] well he has both

[19:52] a ponytail

[19:53] and then a thing

[19:54] that's like hanging

[19:55] off the side of his ear

[19:56] like he went to Jamaica

[19:57] It's a Spadalon braid.

[19:58] Yeah, man.

[19:59] I got this done on the beach.

[20:02] Look, I went to St. Thomas.

[20:03] Wait, this is very important.

[20:05] This reminds me of a very nice day I had.

[20:10] Me and this little girl were sitting next to each other getting our hair braided.

[20:13] But also, there's something weird about Hayden Christensen's mouth.

[20:17] Far be it from me to harp on someone's physical attributes.

[20:21] Unless it's somebody's wife's butt.

[20:24] In which case, ba-ba-boom.

[20:26] You can't shut him up.

[20:27] But, like, I was wondering through much of the movie,

[20:29] I'm like, is he wearing braces?

[20:30] What's going on?

[20:31] Like, there's something weird about, like, his teeth.

[20:33] No, totally.

[20:33] I think he's got Invisalign or something.

[20:35] Yeah, he's got space braces.

[20:36] Which I think adds to this, like, mealy mouth,

[20:39] mumble mouth, marble mouth thing that he's got going on.

[20:42] We'll blame his astrodontist.

[20:43] Oh, I hate you so much.

[20:46] Okay, he's not, this is not the right role for him.

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:50] He's not cast wellness, and it doesn't help that

[20:52] nobody in this movie is good at acting.

[20:56] Ewan McGregor, who's a good actor, is bad in it.

[20:58] Christopher Lee, who I love, is bad in it.

[21:01] Frank Oz's voice acting is not so good.

[21:03] And I have to blame George Lucas.

[21:05] Samuel L. Jackson, one of the most charismatic, energetic actors in movies,

[21:09] is like a block of wood in this.

[21:10] And I have to blame George Lucas' inability to interact with actors, basically.

[21:14] Like, everyone is brought down a level on this.

[21:17] Joel Edgerton delivers probably my least favorite line in all of movies

[21:21] when he introduces his girlfriend, Beru.

[21:25] He's playing the young Uncle Owen.

[21:27] He says, this is my girlfriend, Beru.

[21:29] And what's great is that in space, they have a different word for child, which is youngling.

[21:33] But girlfriend is still the word they use.

[21:36] Oh, man.

[21:37] This is my life mate.

[21:38] So stupid.

[21:40] Or like Natalie Portman, who can act very well in this act very poorly.

[21:47] Like, everyone's a bad actor in this.

[21:48] It's unfair to judge Hayden Christensen just on this movie alone.

[21:51] But, no, it is, but I find him a measure of unappealing above everyone else.

[21:59] You said the same thing about Jake Lloyd, though, right?

[21:59] Yeah, it's unfair to blame Jake Lloyd.

[22:01] And he was the star of the future.

[22:03] He turned out to be a superstar, so I guess we're all wrong.

[22:08] Unfortunately, he went Nova too fast.

[22:09] E-True Hollywood Story, Jake Lloyd.

[22:11] Here's the thing.

[22:12] Like, I've seen Hayden Christensen now in two roles that I thought he was really good in.

[22:16] One was Shattered Glass.

[22:17] Yeah, I agree.

[22:18] The other was in a stage production that I mentioned to you guys when I watched the movie of This Is Our Youth that I saw in London years ago when I was in college where he was playing a very unlikable character.

[22:29] But I'll tell you who really stole the show in that production was Jake Gyllenhaal who was fantastic in it.

[22:36] There's a scene in This Is Our Youth – I don't know if anyone's seen the play – where Jake Gyllenhaal's character knocks over a pile of – a plate with drugs on it.

[22:46] And he did it so well that people in the audience thought that he had made a mistake.

[22:49] And you could hear people in the audience go like, oh, like they thought that he had fucked up the prop.

[22:54] But he just did it like that happens in the play.

[22:57] Like it's he just did a good job.

[22:59] So Jake Gyllenhaal, this is our youth.

[23:00] If you can go back in time to London in the year 2001, go do it.

[23:06] Like fucking dig up the corpse of H.G. Wells.

[23:09] Somebody's DeLorean.

[23:11] Find the map that he left in his coffin.

[23:14] What, to where he buried his fictional time machine?

[23:17] Yeah.

[23:17] Anyway, we're barely into this movie.

[23:20] The point is, they try...

[23:22] It's almost done, right?

[23:22] No, we are like 15 minutes into a two and a half hour movie.

[23:26] So they basically, they find this bounty hunter who gets killed at the last minute by a dart.

[23:30] Ewan McGregor takes the dart and brings it to his friend Dex, who runs a space diner.

[23:35] Dex dog tech.

[23:36] Dex, who is basically Mel from Alice, who runs a space diner.

[23:42] What about Waitress's name is Flo?

[23:44] And what's so great about this movie, in a bad way, is that the old movies have like a little bit of a World War II dogfighting tinge, like an old pulp feel.

[23:52] George Lucas took that here to mean like, so I guess this is like the 40s in outer space, in the Star Wars galaxy.

[23:59] So it's like everything's Art Deco, there's a space diner, like things are just very like old-fashioned-y but space.

[24:07] It's really, it's not very good.

[24:09] But anyway, that leads Obi-Wan on another adventure.

[24:12] That dart

[24:14] Leaves him on a merry chase

[24:14] That dart is from a planet called

[24:17] Was it Carmona?

[24:18] Cariba?

[24:19] Camino

[24:20] Camargo?

[24:20] Camino

[24:21] No, do not sing Kokomo

[24:24] My least favorite song in the history of the world

[24:27] I'll throw you out the window

[24:29] So he says

[24:34] You take Amidala to Naboo

[24:37] Do whatever you want with her

[24:38] Go crazy

[24:39] Go protect her there

[24:40] Go be creepy with her

[24:42] I'm going to go over to Carmina Burana, and I'm going to see what's up with this dart.

[24:46] And he goes there.

[24:48] He goes to the local library first.

[24:49] And so let's, and he goes to the, oh, that's right, that's right, so he goes to the, he

[24:53] goes to the, he goes to the, he goes to the Jedi Archives, except for the location of

[24:58] Camino, which has been removed from the library.

[24:59] He goes to the Jedi Archives and looks for the location of Camino, and it's not there.

[25:02] Goosebumps, you can find them all over the place.

[25:03] And the archivist says, if it's not in our archives, it doesn't exist.

[25:06] And she is basically like Mrs. Danvers from Rebecca.

[25:10] Like, she, everyone in this movie exudes evil in a way that I don't think they're meant to.

[25:15] But, like, the Senator Palpatine is like, oh, I'm very worried, very worried about the Galactic Senate.

[25:22] Something might happen to it.

[25:24] Like, he basically is, everything about him says evil.

[25:27] And they're like, that Palpatine's a good guy.

[25:29] You know what?

[25:30] I like him.

[25:30] Let's trust him.

[25:31] You're giving him a gayer voice than I think.

[25:34] Well, because everyone is also kind of gay in Star Wars movies.

[25:36] Obi-Wan, C-3PO.

[25:38] That was the thing, like...

[25:40] C-3PO's not kind of gay.

[25:41] This was something that I had not thought about

[25:45] in all my years of Star Wars viewing,

[25:48] but Elliot brought it to my mind.

[25:49] It's just that Ben Kenobi's pretty gay.

[25:52] He's a very gay.

[25:52] He reads very gay.

[25:54] Like I said, we're watching it.

[25:55] He is the Oscar Wilde to C-3PO's Charles Nelson Reilly.

[25:58] He is an elderly man who never married.

[26:01] I think it fell into place for me

[26:03] when I realized Star Wars,

[26:05] the first one is about a movie,

[26:06] about an old man who takes a younger man

[26:08] to a bar like when it comes down to it and i have to imagine that obi-wan like is just going going

[26:18] to that bar and picking up alien dudes you know for one night i feel like he's like kind of like

[26:21] a stephen fry kind of gay where he's like he's you know he doesn't really actually have stephen

[26:25] fry's gay what we didn't want you to find out this way we wanted you to find out i don't know

[26:31] that he actually has carnal relations with men but like like spiritually why not he's a grown man

[26:36] come on no i'm just i'm i'm just saying let him be a sexual being in good shape i'm tired of denying

[26:41] him i'm tired of this will and gracing of obi-wan that's what i wanted when i was i was about to say

[26:48] sid and nancy when i meant to say will and grace never in a very different show they die in a hotel

[26:53] room uh so anyway the murder of the other maybe not we will never know uh so anyway he goes he

[27:00] finds this planet that was erased from the archives which he realizes when yoda asks a

[27:05] youngling like a little kid what what it was and the only a kid is so devious as to think it could

[27:10] be erased meanwhile anakin and amidala escape disguised as refugees refugees who happen to be

[27:17] carrying with them r2d2 the droid the queen uses the most famous robot of all time this is the

[27:22] robot who's on the cover of space time magazine he's merchandise everyone's merchandised him he

[27:26] is the house cat of star wars like everybody loves him he's the original party droid

[27:31] was that

[27:33] was that the house droid

[27:34] yeah bleep blar

[27:35] original party droid

[27:36] bleep blar

[27:37] TM

[27:37] so anyway

[27:38] Amidala and Anakin

[27:40] go to Naboo

[27:40] where he delivers

[27:42] his immortal

[27:42] you're not like sand

[27:43] you're soft and not rough

[27:44] speech

[27:45] she falls for him

[27:46] we learn a little bit

[27:46] about democracy

[27:47] instantly

[27:47] they have a

[27:48] they have a debate

[27:49] over whether

[27:49] that is a panty peeler

[27:50] guys

[27:51] by the way

[27:52] if you ever wanna

[27:53] woo a lady

[27:54] tell her that she's

[27:55] not like sand

[27:55] let me tell you

[27:56] it is not a potato peeler

[27:57] you tell a potato

[27:58] it's not like sand

[27:58] all day

[27:59] it's not gonna unpeel

[28:00] for you

[28:00] Yeah, just sits there.

[28:02] Just sits there, winking at you with his eyes.

[28:04] What you want for that is a $1.50 potato peeler.

[28:07] You can pick them up at any grocery store.

[28:09] You do not want the $1.50 panty peeler, though.

[28:11] It'll break the first time you use it.

[28:12] So anyway, they have a debate over democracy.

[28:15] They clown around and Anakin surfs on the back of a giant animal.

[28:19] It's stupid.

[28:21] It's hella stupid, and that's how they fall in love.

[28:23] And this is such an old-fashioned, like,

[28:25] George Lucas only knows it from old movies idea of falling in love,

[28:29] where it's like, yeah, I guess you sit around in pretty fields and you talk and laugh.

[28:33] And you, like, roll over each other.

[28:34] And one guy aggressively talks about how he's in love with the lady.

[28:37] Until she gets worn down.

[28:38] Yeah.

[28:38] And then talking about how he believes in a political system based around tyranny.

[28:43] Based around fascism, yeah.

[28:44] So, at the same time, Obi-Wan follows the dart to Kamino,

[28:49] which is a stormy planet inhabited by clones who have buildings and technology.

[28:55] And weird, like, giant sperm-headed monsters.

[28:57] Yes, permanent monsters who make the clones.

[28:59] And it feels like...

[29:01] We're pretty chill, though.

[29:01] They don't think anything's weird.

[29:02] They're laid back.

[29:03] When Obi-Wan walks in, they go, ah, Jedi, we've been expecting you.

[29:06] The Prime Minister would like to meet you.

[29:08] And he's like, why?

[29:08] Did you expect me?

[29:09] How do you know I'm a Jedi?

[29:11] What's going on?

[29:12] And the Prime Minister is like, well, we made the clones you ordered.

[29:16] And he goes, when did I order clones?

[29:18] Didn't Jedi Master...

[29:21] What was his name?

[29:23] Okay, this is something...

[29:24] Please, somebody explain to me what the fuck's going on.

[29:27] They keep talking about a Jedi Master, Sifo-Dyas,

[29:29] which sounds like a very thinly disguised Darth Sidious,

[29:34] but apparently there was actually a dude named Sifo-Dyas.

[29:37] Because Obi-Wan says he died ten years ago, or many years ago.

[29:40] Yeah, like it's a fucking ghost story or some shit.

[29:42] But it's so fun, but it's like, Obi-Wan, who in the sequels,

[29:46] let's just call them that, the original movies,

[29:48] is a very wise character, very smart.

[29:51] in the prequels, is the dumbest, clumsy gumshoe.

[29:54] He's basically like Space Clouseau.

[29:56] Because they're like, Cypher Diaz sent you?

[29:59] And he goes, why would Cypher Diaz send me?

[30:01] Instead of lying like a detective would.

[30:03] Yes, yes, of course.

[30:04] Playing along.

[30:04] Yes, he did.

[30:05] Yes, he did.

[30:06] Did he communicate what he was, did he tell you what he wanted me to find out about the clones?

[30:10] I'm testing you, you know.

[30:12] There's a better way to write that, because I'm writing it off the top of my head.

[30:14] But like, the fact that Obi-Wan answers every question with a question about why Obi-Wan's there.

[30:19] He's like, we're making the clone army for Cypher Diaz.

[30:22] So you make clones here?

[30:24] Yeah.

[30:25] Remind me.

[30:27] And these people who have mastered cloning technology are so gullible and stupid,

[30:32] they never see through his story, which he doesn't even give them.

[30:35] Well, they've been alone for so long, they're just happy to have someone to talk to.

[30:39] If they gave even a second of doubting what he's saying,

[30:42] he would just fucking jump kick them into next week.

[30:45] That's true.

[30:45] He does a lot of jump kicks.

[30:46] But he comes in and he sees these chandeliers full of babies.

[30:49] instance for instance if you walked into a bakery and you were like yeah you might have a cake for

[30:55] me they'd be like okay what's your name you can't just go like well what's the name on the cake

[30:59] because that's my name uh let me look at the display case uh that one's mine i'm aladdin

[31:06] really you're disney's aladdin yeah that's what i meant i'm disney's aladdin i'm sorry that was

[31:11] made for a quinceanera that's not uh so it's so basically obi-wan is the worst detective in the

[31:19] world. He finds this cloning world

[31:21] where they're making clones of Jango Fett,

[31:23] a bounty hunter. The same bounty hunter

[31:25] that Obama... I was going to say Obama.

[31:27] Played by...

[31:28] That Barack Obi-Wan Kenobi.

[31:30] Obamacare. All these clones that

[31:33] we don't want, am I right? Why does my

[31:35] plan have to cover clones? I'm never going to have a

[31:37] clone. Kamino's going to... It's the worst thing ever

[31:38] to happen to Kamino, I can tell you that.

[31:40] Yeah, they're going to shut them

[31:43] down. They're going to leave the business. So,

[31:44] Jango Fett's played by popular New Zealand

[31:47] actor Tamora Morrison.

[31:49] from Once More Warriors, guys.

[31:50] That's true, that's true.

[31:51] And he is, everyone was excited.

[31:53] They're going to see the dad of Boba Fett,

[31:55] everyone's favorite bounty hunter

[31:56] who has six minutes in the original trilogy.

[31:58] And this actor has a great history of being a dad,

[32:01] like in Once More Warriors,

[32:02] where he plays a sexually abusive father.

[32:04] Yeah, he's a bad dad, let's just say it.

[32:07] Classic bad soccer dad.

[32:09] Obi-Wan decides to tell the Jedi

[32:11] he's found this thing in the middle of a storm.

[32:13] He doesn't wait to get off planet to make his announcement.

[32:17] Like, the terrible spy he is, he just announces it out loud in front of everybody.

[32:20] Jango Fett attacks him.

[32:22] There's a not terrible fight scene.

[32:24] Yeah, it's actually pretty good.

[32:25] One of the better action scenes between Jango Fett and Obi-Wan.

[32:28] Where Obi-Wan does a bunch of flying jump kicks.

[32:29] Yeah, and meanwhile, young Boba Fett is shooting him from the spaceship.

[32:33] And all these explosions are going off.

[32:35] He has to learn his skills somewhere.

[32:36] It would, like, Boba Fett will fire the spaceship guns, which are huge.

[32:40] Or, like, a rocket.

[32:40] Yeah, designed to blow up another spaceship.

[32:42] And it'll explode less than a centimeter away from Obi-Wan.

[32:46] And he just kind of like rolls over and goes, oh.

[32:48] He is basically invincible, Obi-Wan.

[32:52] And is that part of his character that he is impenetrable?

[32:55] He hates flying, check.

[32:57] Invincible, yeah.

[32:58] He's immune to laser beams and bombs.

[33:00] He's got a rad beard.

[33:02] He's got a rad beard, yeah.

[33:05] I think one of the Kaminoans call it a rad beard.

[33:07] Your beard is quite rad, Jedi Knight.

[33:10] What is rad?

[33:11] I have a beard?

[33:12] He just can't keep his story straight.

[33:16] Anyway, he follows Boba Fett.

[33:18] Boba Fett leaves.

[33:19] He follows Boba.

[33:19] You mean Jango.

[33:19] Oh, Jango Fett.

[33:21] Well, Boba's in there.

[33:22] He follows Jango and Boba, son and dad.

[33:25] He follows Banjo Fett and his dad.

[33:28] Banjo, Harpo, and Chico Fett.

[33:30] And his dad, Mango Fett.

[33:32] So he follows them to another planet.

[33:35] There's bombs going off.

[33:36] Geonosis.

[33:36] It's called Geonosis.

[33:38] Meanwhile, Anakin has had a bad dream about his mother.

[33:41] About a bad dad?

[33:43] No, about his mom.

[33:44] About a bad mom.

[33:45] His mom, Shmi Skywalker, which, because it's like, because all the names were made up by George Lucas in one two-minute period.

[33:53] Yeah, Shmi, Sebulba, Watto, whatever, is a bad guy.

[33:57] He's insidious.

[33:58] Darth Sidious, great.

[33:59] And this is a character, his mom.

[34:03] What's the bad guy, Christopher Lee's character, Count Dooku.

[34:06] Doesn't that sound like poop?

[34:07] Whatever, we've got to get this film finished.

[34:09] Anyway, it sounds like Dracula, right?

[34:13] Not really.

[34:14] sounds more like poop anyway doesn't matter get the movie rolling but uh we are hardly the first

[34:21] to uh point this out but uh this is a this mom character is someone that he is not worried about

[34:28] in years like he has been freed from his slavery he has been training as a jedi and then he's

[34:34] basically forgotten about this like he i guess he's been spending all of his time dreaming about

[34:39] Padme, and so he doesn't

[34:41] have any time to seek out his mom, who he

[34:43] knows, who has not moved anywhere. She's still

[34:45] on Tatooine. She's still on Tatooine. He has a bad

[34:47] dream about her, and he goes, we gotta find

[34:49] her. And Amidala's like, okay. They go to

[34:51] Tatooine. They go to his old owner

[34:53] Watto, the anti-Semitic stereotype.

[34:55] Shouldn't they have just done this shit right after

[34:57] the first movie? Yeah, they should have.

[34:59] When he became a rich Jedi, he

[35:01] should have gone and bought his mom's freedom.

[35:03] He's like the richest little kid in the universe.

[35:04] He's richy rich.

[35:06] Space rich. With a rat

[35:09] He's richy-rich full of space bucks.

[35:11] Sure.

[35:12] He's rich in midichlorians.

[35:13] He's rat-tail-y rich.

[35:14] Don't say that shit.

[35:16] That shit doesn't exist in this movie.

[35:17] It's amazing how midichlorians just kind of disappeared from the series.

[35:20] But anyway, so it's outside of our purview.

[35:23] That's episode one.

[35:23] And I do mean purview when Dan McCoy is here.

[35:26] Anyway, so.

[35:27] Classic Caleb cut-ups.

[35:28] He goes to Watto and says, where's my mom?

[35:31] And Watto, I think I called him Quatto just then.

[35:34] Watto is one of the first.

[35:35] Oh, boy.

[35:36] Is the first of like.

[35:37] Hey, Andy's done a revolution.

[35:39] give those people some air so wado is one of many characters who when they see anakin goes

[35:46] annie is that you and i wish there was any moment where anakin was like please don't call me annie

[35:52] i'm a grown man yeah but instead he just accepts it annie is a tiny orphan without pupils yeah

[35:57] blind sad really yeah so anakin finds out his mom got sold to a vapor writer farmer love sandy by

[36:05] the way love sandy the other hand he does not it's true because sandy to her is a dog and not a rough

[36:10] tiny mineral yeah a granule uh well actually sandy is very rough get it like a dog okay anyway

[36:20] nested sorry nested puns anyway i can go on forever so the thing they go find they go to

[36:26] they go to the vaporator farm where they find uncle beru and his girlfriend the uncle and his

[36:31] girlfriend uh baru played by joel edgerton and uh for a second yeah and uh he finds out oh no

[36:38] shmi was kidnapped by a bunch of tuscan raiders and then the guy refers to them as tuscan raiders

[36:44] refers them as tuscans and i wanted to be like stop the movie george you know there are real

[36:48] people called tuscans right they're from tuscany like that's a real thing like you can't just say

[36:56] that and he just lifted their accent completely for the so i have to imagine deal with that tuscan

[37:02] son i have to imagine that diane lane is finding love among these sand raiders yep ducking their

[37:08] gaffer seat he sticks scaring them off with the occasional crate dragon call because it's a

[37:14] terrifying creature diane lane we ride single file to hide our numbers you're right i am in love

[37:19] so anyway luke sky anakin goes to anakin goes to in a moment that is so there's a moment in the

[37:29] first star wars we've all seen it where luke is looking at the sun setting and they play the

[37:33] the double sun is setting john williams music swells and it's this moment of in all of our

[37:38] hearts and probably pants it's a story it's a it's a very powerful moment this young boy who

[37:45] has dreams of a more exciting life he sees it disappearing before his eyes he has fantasies

[37:51] about where his life could take him and he knows it'll never happen it's just out of his grasp

[37:55] flattest most boring place it's like he says it's the far if there's a bright center of the

[38:00] universe this is the farthest place from it and at that moment you feel like he feels it this is

[38:05] something we can all sympathize with especially dan growing up in a tiny town yeah i was as good

[38:10] as a farm boy. In the backwoods

[38:12] of nowhere, thinking, am I ever going to make it

[38:15] to the big city? Never. Probably never.

[38:17] I'm going to die here.

[38:18] I guess I'll go take the control bolts off of that new

[38:21] droid we bought.

[38:21] I can't even go down to Tosche Station to pick up

[38:24] some new fire converters. From those midget druids.

[38:26] You can have fun with your friends later, Dan.

[38:28] But instead, they use that music

[38:30] here, that wistful kind of like

[38:32] I want a better life music

[38:34] over Anakin saying, I've got

[38:36] to go get revenge. Like, I'm going to go

[38:38] save her and kill the shit out of some tuscan raiders he finds his mom just too late oh no

[38:43] she dies in his arms she's all like tied up on a weird uh like a weird framework what what's going

[38:49] on my only guess because they never explained it you're gonna go she forgot her safe word my only

[38:54] guess i'm not there's nothing you went the creepy way what did you say i said something about her

[38:58] safe word wow yeah her safe word was because it's a tuscan raider by the way never use that as a

[39:05] no her safe word was ouch they kept stopping and she'd be like no keep going

[39:11] ouch wait do you want me to stop no that means it's working oh god you know what just just tie

[39:16] me to that frame over there here's my guess here's my guess because it's never explained

[39:21] what they want her for anything that much like many native american tribes in the in the united

[39:27] states they would raid each other's tribes and kidnap members of other tribes and then put them

[39:32] through gauntlets or physical tests as a way of initiating them into their tribes well i mean

[39:37] physical challenges is what they are gack all over their face usually didn't involve digging in a

[39:42] giant nose for a flag but you know it was like that you know that they hang you from hooks from

[39:49] the top of the smoke lodge but uh so my guess is the sand people under those wrappings are all

[39:55] different species who have been kidnapped and turned into members of the tribe through this

[39:59] induction ceremony you know but who knows of all the many act like men but they're really beasts

[40:03] of all the many cultures in the in the star wars universe the sand the tuscan raiders are never

[40:08] really fleshed out yeah and they're the ones we see on screen and yet every other alien is

[40:12] represented in the galactic senate your gritos your reese three eyes i was reading about those

[40:17] guys for like five minutes before this podcast your butt face panda babas you know anyway so

[40:22] Your doctor is Evazan.

[40:24] Your doctor is Evazan.

[40:26] Your wook's E.

[40:27] That's terrible.

[40:29] Yes, it is.

[40:31] And Greedo is a Rodian, I know, by the way.

[40:33] So anyway, she dies in his arms and he gets mad and kills all the sand people.

[40:40] And he later says...

[40:42] Seven-one down the trail to the dark side.

[40:44] And he later says to Anakin, I killed them all and not just the men, the women and the children too.

[40:49] And she seems to take that news okay.

[40:51] He's massacred those people.

[40:54] Yeah, she's into it.

[40:55] She's like, anger is a part of life, Anakin.

[40:58] And it's like, stop right there.

[40:59] It's not anger.

[41:00] He murdered a whole...

[41:01] He's slaughtered.

[41:02] He committed genocide, you know?

[41:03] Yeah.

[41:03] I mean, we only see him kill, like, three dudes, right?

[41:06] So he might have been making up the story to impress her?

[41:08] Yeah, of course.

[41:09] He ran away.

[41:10] He killed, like, 800?

[41:12] I killed three, I mean, 3,000 sand people.

[41:15] They just kept coming, and I was like, no way.

[41:18] And there was one that was, like, super strong,

[41:20] and he had like seven lightsabers.

[41:22] I'm like, no way, buddy.

[41:23] And I just chopped them all down.

[41:24] Anakin, I just looked at the corpse of your mom.

[41:26] It looks like she had a lightsaber burn on her.

[41:28] I'm like, no, no, the sand people did that.

[41:31] So anyway, Anakin goes to, no, no, sorry.

[41:37] Obi-Wan goes to Geonosis where they're making a droid army.

[41:40] He finds Count Dooku is with a bunch of other guys.

[41:42] We're leaving the Republic.

[41:43] In the best scene of the movie.

[41:43] In the best scene of the movie,

[41:45] which is, yes, a bunch of characters talking around a table,

[41:48] but at least they're crazy characters.

[41:49] Yeah, a couple of them are like Venture Brothers villains.

[41:52] Yeah, there's a guy, there's like an old squid man.

[41:55] Yeah, that guy, instead of a beard, he's got tentacles.

[41:57] It's great.

[41:58] It's crazy.

[41:58] He's like Davy Jones from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

[42:01] Yeah, but he doesn't play a fucking piano with it.

[42:03] We don't know that.

[42:06] Maybe he does in his spare time.

[42:08] Yeah, that's the kind of music they listen to.

[42:09] We're going really long, so let's just say Obi-Wan makes an emergency transmission.

[42:15] Anakin and Padme pick it up.

[42:19] They go and try to save him.

[42:20] There's a totally unnecessary action scene in a factory assembly line.

[42:24] Where we learn that all of a sudden R2-D2 has rockets for some reason.

[42:28] He can fly with his rocket propulsion.

[42:29] We never see this again.

[42:30] Which, as I said as we were watching it, that's like in Superman 2.

[42:35] When all of a sudden Superman pulls his S off and throws it at one of the villains.

[42:38] Like, oh, okay, this is I guess a power you have?

[42:41] We didn't see it before, but sure.

[42:42] And I'll never do that again.

[42:43] Because it's stupid.

[42:45] Wait, R2-D2 doesn't fly around on ships all the time?

[42:48] No, he does not.

[42:49] And so, which really would have helped in some of the other scenes in the later movies.

[42:53] Yeah.

[42:53] Or earlier movies, that is.

[42:56] I don't get it.

[42:57] Anyway, it's time travel.

[42:58] So they all get captured.

[43:01] They get sentenced to, as Stewart calls it, death by monster, by three monsters.

[43:05] And this is probably the best scene in the whole movie.

[43:08] Other than the one part where they all sit around a table and talk for a couple minutes.

[43:13] Yes, where they're fighting.

[43:14] They're in an arena with a giant cat-tiger monster.

[43:17] some kind of, like, praying mantis crab monster.

[43:20] Yeah.

[43:20] And, like, a rhinoceros monster.

[43:21] Like a minotaur rhinoceros.

[43:23] And they're fighting each other, and the good guys escape.

[43:26] Yeah, there's some good physical comedy.

[43:28] A bunch of Jedi show up.

[43:29] There's a lot of fighting for some reason.

[43:30] A lot of Jedi show up.

[43:31] There's an exposed tummy on Natalie Portman.

[43:34] And Natalie Portman's, her belly gets.

[43:35] She can do a lot of crunches.

[43:36] The shirt part of her belly gets ripped apart.

[43:38] Is that part of her center, like, thing?

[43:40] Yeah, yeah.

[43:40] That's how you get elected.

[43:42] She governs through crunches and core ball exercises.

[43:44] She governs through core strength.

[43:46] On her planet, they choose their leaders through their core strength.

[43:50] Naboo, yeah.

[43:51] Yeah, Naboo.

[43:52] Anyway, so there's a big fight.

[43:54] Jedis arrive, then robot soldiers arrive, then clone soldiers arrive.

[43:58] It's that clone army that the cloners were making.

[44:01] And Yoda becomes a general all of a sudden.

[44:04] They've graduated from clone high, and now they're going to be fighting.

[44:07] He says the immortal line, around the survivors a perimeter create, which is so dumb.

[44:11] Why is that one backwards?

[44:13] Yeah, I mean, as we were saying, Yoda in Empire, every once in a while he would do the fucking reverse syntax thing.

[44:19] Now it's every sentence.

[44:20] Every sentence.

[44:21] The bathroom I must use.

[44:22] And I get it.

[44:24] The clone troopers will take orders from anybody who talks to them.

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:27] But do you think they have the mental capacity to translate all of Yoda's bullshit?

[44:31] No way.

[44:32] Not ever.

[44:32] And he talks backwards to the worst when he's ordering in restaurants.

[44:35] The fish special I'll have.

[44:38] Cheese hold.

[44:40] Wait, so you want the cheese or not?

[44:43] dressing on the side i will take i don't understand what you just told me

[44:48] then the salad arrives he's like dressing on the salad there is on the side i asked for look i

[44:55] don't understand what the fuck you're saying you you gotta talk you gotta talk straight your name

[45:00] my name you know look i just saw your credit card that was the day elliot quit his job at

[45:06] the olive garden i mean space he called it garden the olive of

[45:10] it doesn't even make sense where family you are here where family you are okay yoda cut cut the

[45:19] line is here your family family you are here cut okay yoda let's get this straight look it's the

[45:26] olive garden we know it's not art just deliver the line as said my motivation what is oh god

[45:33] yoda it's commercial breadsticks unlimited they are salad bowl bottomless it is

[45:39] okay somebody we need more makeup on these young legs

[45:47] my agent i must call oh this again temperamental you are hey heard that i did

[45:56] He's a diva, guys.

[45:58] Anyway, so...

[46:01] I want to do...

[46:02] We don't have the time,

[46:03] but I want to do Yoda as Orson Welles

[46:05] doing that pee commercial.

[46:06] No living actor I would direct this way in Shakespeare,

[46:12] I would.

[46:12] Start a sentence emphasizing,

[46:16] if I cannot.

[46:17] Find some way to do it, you can.

[46:23] Go down on you, I will.

[46:23] The fun of it, that's where it is.

[46:25] I can't even do it backwards.

[46:27] You can't even do it.

[46:27] It's too much.

[46:28] Anyway, there's a big battle.

[46:30] The clones turn the tide of battle.

[46:31] Count Dooku escapes.

[46:32] Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Padme are chasing after him.

[46:36] There's a blast, and Amidala falls out onto a desert that looks like it's made out of

[46:40] Cheeto dust for how bright orange it is.

[46:42] Anakin wants to stop, but Obi-Wan says, no, we've got to keep going.

[46:47] If it was Amidala, what would she do?

[46:49] And he goes, she'd do her duty.

[46:50] And they go, and when they're chasing a guy named Count Dooku, you can't say the word

[46:54] duty but uh they go they find count dooku who is escaping with the plans for the death star

[46:59] and they attack him there's a big fight he chops off anakin's arms and he gives obi-wan what looks

[47:05] like to be two very cosmetic burns kind of just flesh singes then anakin starts going fucking

[47:11] buck wild with two lightsabers but then you gotta cut an arm off but then here's stewart's favorite

[47:15] part of the movie yeah a little guy named yoda stumbles in on his cane because at that moment

[47:21] and I was wondering, who's the man, Elliot?

[47:23] It turns out, according to a hastily thrown-together commercial

[47:26] a week after the movie opened, Yoda-Man.

[47:29] Because if I haven't seen Star Wars Episode II,

[47:32] Attack of the Clones, I'm like,

[47:34] I'm thinking about going to a movie tonight.

[47:35] TV, tell me what I should see.

[47:36] Is there something where a little green gremlin

[47:39] flips around with a laser sword fighting an old man?

[47:42] Like a fucking manic frog with a sword?

[47:44] Is there something where an old man with a laser sword

[47:46] fights a little frog imp

[47:49] who also has a laser sword

[47:51] and is wearing a monk's robe.

[47:52] This is a dumb movie.

[47:54] Let's just say that right now.

[47:55] Every movie can sound dumb

[47:57] if you break it down that way.

[47:58] I referred to Star Wars earlier.

[47:59] Like, you remember,

[48:00] as a movie about an old man

[48:01] who takes a young guy to a bar.

[48:02] It happens, but this is...

[48:03] What was your other, like,

[48:04] one with bears?

[48:06] Well, that's...

[48:07] Return of the Jedi

[48:07] is about a race of space bears.

[48:09] And also, Star Wars is about a...

[48:12] is a movie about a boy

[48:13] who gives a robot a bath.

[48:14] It's all true.

[48:16] It happens in the movie.

[48:17] That's my favorite one.

[48:19] That's your explanation for the cops when they come to take you away.

[48:22] You're like, no, they do it in the movie.

[48:24] Come on.

[48:24] There's a space mummy.

[48:25] He's not in it until the second movie.

[48:29] Dengar, the space mummy.

[48:30] So anyway.

[48:31] Oh, fifth movie.

[48:32] Oh, damn it.

[48:34] Chronology.

[48:35] So there's a fight between Yoda and Count Dooku.

[48:39] Count Dooku distracts Yoda by making a big machine fly in the air,

[48:42] and Yoda's going to stop it.

[48:43] Count Dooku escapes and delivers the Death Star plans to Darth Sidious,

[48:48] who we know it's Palpatine.

[48:49] I don't know why they're pretending we don't know.

[48:52] He's got a hoot over his face like we're going to be surprised

[48:54] that the guy who has the same last name as the Emperor

[48:57] is going to turn out to be the bad guy.

[48:59] Because he's making it for generations down the road.

[49:02] We're going to watch the Star Wars movies in chronological order

[49:05] and not understand anything.

[49:07] And also, the Emperor and the Senator

[49:12] was given emergency powers or some nonsense.

[49:14] Anyway, everyone leaves.

[49:16] Anakin gets a terrible-looking robot arm

[49:20] and marries Amidala secretly.

[49:21] And Yoda says the Clone Wars have begun.

[49:24] Yeah, the end.

[49:26] Yeah, so we've gone for a really long time,

[49:29] so I think we're just going to skip ahead.

[49:31] Let's just say what's bad about this movie.

[49:34] The writing, the acting, the directing,

[49:36] the special effects, and the story.

[49:37] Some of the music is okay.

[49:39] Let's final judge this thing.

[49:40] Now, we might have missed some of the stupid things

[49:43] about this movie.

[49:44] feel free to write in.

[49:45] I'm sure that in the...

[49:47] Write email to Dan complaining.

[49:48] In the decades since this movie was released,

[49:51] it has been cataloged,

[49:53] all the stupid shit.

[49:54] After winning Best Picture, probably.

[49:56] It won the Academy Award for Best Picture ever,

[49:58] beating every movie ever made.

[50:00] Yeah.

[50:01] And it's widely considered the worst of the three, right?

[50:06] I would say so.

[50:07] I think it's the worst of the six.

[50:09] I mean, let's do that, obviously.

[50:12] Sure.

[50:13] I think the worst of the prequels, and I feel like by going through the plot,

[50:16] we've only scratched the surface of how overly needlessly complicated the plot is

[50:21] and how poorly executed everything is.

[50:24] How there's a lot of scenes that seem to be put in just so that you can make a video game based on that scene.

[50:29] But final judgments wise.

[50:31] Okay, final judgments wise.

[50:32] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like, Elliot, continue with your deconstruction?

[50:39] It's a movie that has a couple action scenes in it that I enjoy a little bit.

[50:43] But overall, like, it's a bad, bad movie.

[50:45] It could be a good, bad movie if it was shorter.

[50:47] And if it was, it takes itself so seriously.

[50:51] And so that means that the comedy parts are really jarring.

[50:55] And so the movie never, for me, has that, like, it never is laughably bad.

[51:00] It's just like, why is this going on?

[51:02] Except for the space diner.

[51:04] Actually, you know what?

[51:05] Maybe it's good, Matt.

[51:06] I don't know.

[51:06] It's got a space diner in it.

[51:08] What I'm going to say about this movie is, like, is I hate it, and I kind of like it.

[51:13] Interesting.

[51:14] Like, there's stuff in it that makes me so mad.

[51:17] Like, all of the romance shit in this movie is so bad, it makes me, like,

[51:24] I don't understand how George Lucas has interpersonal relationships based on these.

[51:29] Since he has this middle school idea that, like, if you are angry enough at a person you have a crush on,

[51:34] they will come around to loving you.

[51:36] I've got the best hair CGI I can buy.

[51:38] Hayden Christensen seems like such a creep.

[51:41] There's so much stupid stuff in this film.

[51:44] But at the same time, I can't bring myself to hate it

[51:48] because it does have some of that residual Star Wars shine on it.

[51:52] I think you're just getting it mixed up in your mind

[51:55] with your Star Wars feelings.

[51:56] No, I totally am.

[51:57] I am 100% aware of what's happening.

[52:00] But the thing is, while I hate the movie,

[52:03] I can't bring myself to be like,

[52:05] I know it's bad, but I can't get rid of it.

[52:11] I can't quit it.

[52:12] Yeah, you wish you knew how to quit this movie.

[52:14] It's totally a bad boyfriend.

[52:16] I know it's terrible for me,

[52:17] and if I had never met this movie,

[52:19] if this movie had never existed,

[52:21] my life would be better right now.

[52:22] Yeah.

[52:23] I would probably be super successful.

[52:25] Stuart has the best analogy here.

[52:27] And yet the sex is amazing.

[52:28] It's incredible.

[52:29] Because it's so crazy.

[52:32] As you guys know,

[52:33] i own this this isn't the product of like a fucking columbia house like splurge purchase

[52:38] where i'm like oh columbia has taken up with my mom uh you know where you'd fucking buy like a

[52:45] million for a penny and it turns out it actually cost a thousand dollars for them apparently no

[52:49] of course not you make up like seven different accounts with different names so come on dan

[52:54] there's a reason columbia house went out of business and it's stewart yeah you just gotta

[52:58] to shack up with like a fagin s character they'll teach you how to remove columbia so yeah i i like

[53:04] i i can't i like this movie i don't i shouldn't there's no real i can't defend it i honestly

[53:10] there's part of me that wishes i could feel that way about it but i think my like younger obsession

[53:17] with star wars has just faded to the point where i like the star wars movies that i like and i don't

[53:22] like the star wars movies that i don't like and it's they don't have that connection for me yeah

[53:26] they once had. I can't completely separate

[53:28] it anymore.

[53:29] I guess you guys feel about it the same way I feel about

[53:32] Spider-Man comics, where

[53:34] I'll continue reading them even when they're

[53:36] terrible. Because when it's

[53:38] good, because I love the character so much.

[53:40] As long as the webhead is what's

[53:43] spitting juice on people.

[53:44] As long as that friendly neighborhood Spider-Man is

[53:46] cracking yucks and making

[53:48] bucks.

[53:48] Oh man, you phoned that one in.

[53:51] I was trying to think of somebody.

[53:54] Jay Jonah, give me some bucks.

[53:56] oh i'll allow it because he's a judge yeah that's what the j stands for i think you know what it

[54:04] might be is i used is that the star wars universe filled a place for me when i was younger about

[54:09] i a universe i could learn every detail of and really inhabit in my imagination and just find

[54:15] out every intricacy that i could and to a certain extent real history has taken that place in my

[54:22] heart where it's like oh i can learn all about what america was like in the 1860s or ancient

[54:29] rome or medieval times like there's a real universe that i can that i've trans translated

[54:35] that feeling to yeah you've grown up a little bit and i have not i don't know if it's grown up but

[54:40] i found something else that fills the space that star wars once filled so when i see detritus like

[54:45] this that i should have a sentimental attachment to i'm just like forget it so uh uh uh let's no

[54:52] you don't let's let's quickly go through a few letters uh i know that we're running along but

[54:57] let's do a few letters it's almost as if we don't have a time for a letter song damn it is as if

[55:02] that is the case but that's not the case hey everybody you mailed us some letters

[55:10] Is the Postal Service producing this?

[55:13] Wick who could have sent us these letters?

[55:16] Could we get a letter from Shredder?

[55:19] Probably not

[55:21] He's a fictional ninja

[55:23] But a real life ninja

[55:25] Should write in and give us the truth

[55:27] About his tooth

[55:29] Is there a cyanide pill in there

[55:31] In case he gets caught?

[55:32] Letters

[55:34] I got thrown off by the beep boops

[55:38] it's the Star Wars one

[55:41] where we got a droid

[55:42] the Flaphouse house droid

[55:43] was really throwing me off

[55:44] yeah Max Rebo

[55:45] you know what

[55:47] okay you know what

[55:48] would have made this

[55:48] a good bad movie

[55:48] if Max Rebo was in it

[55:50] if there was a scene

[55:51] where Max Rebo

[55:52] and Size Noodles

[55:52] were like a struggling

[55:53] music group

[55:54] and you just saw them

[55:55] lugging their amps around

[55:57] Max Rebo's got like

[55:58] sideburns and Size Noodles

[56:00] I don't know

[56:00] it was the best part

[56:01] of watching this

[56:02] the best part

[56:03] of watching this

[56:04] was watching the aliens

[56:05] and being

[56:06] that are from

[56:07] the older movies

[56:08] and being like,

[56:09] oh, my son Greedo

[56:10] is going to Tatooine.

[56:12] My son Ponda Baba

[56:14] is also going to Tatooine.

[56:15] Hanging out with

[56:16] Med Student Evazan.

[56:17] Med Student Evazan.

[56:18] Going out with

[56:18] Resident Evazan.

[56:20] Look out for Rhea

[56:21] is at Jabba's Palace.

[56:22] At Teen Gangster

[56:25] Jabba the Hutt.

[56:25] Like, I would have wanted

[56:27] more references

[56:28] to every character

[56:29] in the series.

[56:30] All right,

[56:31] so this first letter

[56:31] is from Laura

[56:33] Last Name Withheld.

[56:33] She writes,

[56:34] I found your podcast

[56:36] earlier this year.

[56:37] dead. Through Entertainment Weekly's

[56:39] must-listen, I have been hooked ever since. Elliot

[56:41] has long since become my

[56:43] favorite flopper. Thank you, Lauren.

[56:45] Excellent choice. With his rapid

[56:47] fire sass and self-professed

[56:49] reedy tone.

[56:50] Although I can't help but feel

[56:54] for poor Dan,

[56:55] who just wants to read fan mail on his

[56:57] iPad. Still should rip up this letter.

[56:59] I confess to looking forward to Elliot's songs about the

[57:01] Flophouse mailbag the most. Thank you.

[57:04] Sorry, Dan. I realize I've

[57:05] only encouraged him to person the song yet again didn't i thank you laura for the props we don't

[57:11] thank you laura for the thing you said about the songs that you love that i'm singing of

[57:17] song for laura and who can resist stewart's oh put this letter back together constant

[57:24] recommendations of castle freak and his devilish charm me he did sell his soul to the devil for

[57:29] charm but at last dear floppers i finally come to my question for you guys and it so happens to be

[57:34] this if you ran into these flop house favorites gerard butler katherine heigl and nicholas cage

[57:39] what would you say to them i can only hope you would offer them sage career advice as only you

[57:43] can from laura you mean age career advice yeah what would you say if you met gremlin battle

[57:49] who me yeah i'd be like you guys see him on the uh on the on the show no we did not hang around

[57:55] the green room okay the gremlin battler that's if i mean if i ran into gerard butler i'd say like

[58:02] hey i enjoyed 300 yeah and i'd end it there hey keep jason mavericks hey keep white housing down

[58:11] or had it was olympus has fallen you would get really mad if you fuck that up that's true i ran

[58:16] into katherine heigl i'd be like i kind of liked one for the money why don't you do more stuff like

[58:21] that where you're not angry i would say what was it like working with steven soderbergh on the movie

[58:27] King of the Hill

[58:27] what would you say

[58:29] Stuart

[58:29] what was it like

[58:30] to Catherine

[58:31] hey stop making

[58:32] out with me babe

[58:33] I got a wife

[58:34] you wouldn't go

[58:34] d'Artagnan

[58:35] what was it like

[58:36] making my father

[58:37] the hero

[58:38] she says it way

[58:40] more like

[58:41] scolding

[58:41] d'Artagnan

[58:42] if I met

[58:45] Nicolas Cage

[58:45] again I'd pick

[58:46] a movie I like

[58:47] of his

[58:47] I'd say

[58:48] keep up the good work

[58:49] I'd say

[58:49] Raising Arizona

[58:50] from Raising Arizona

[58:52] to Bad Lieutenant

[58:53] Board of Call New Orleans

[58:53] you've done some

[58:54] fantastic work

[58:55] that meant a lot to me

[58:56] You're an A-plus man.

[58:57] I'd say, every time someone asks you to do a movie, say yes so we can flop it.

[59:01] I would say, hey, Nicolas Cage, my car is located over there.

[59:05] Let's go hang out for a while.

[59:07] Keep on keeping on.

[59:08] I thought you meant because he's like a valet attendant.

[59:10] Yeah, Nicolas Cage, my car is over there.

[59:13] If you could bring it back for me.

[59:13] Keep on trucking.

[59:16] So this letter.

[59:19] I wouldn't trust him with my car.

[59:20] He'd go all kinds of crazy with it.

[59:21] He'd crash it into a castle or something.

[59:25] Sell it for a castle.

[59:26] Pretty tiny castle

[59:29] Costs the same as a used car

[59:31] Or maybe he's just

[59:33] Gobbling my car

[59:34] He's taking your car apart

[59:39] And turned it into a castle made out of car parts

[59:41] This is titled

[59:42] In defense of Dan McCoy

[59:44] It's from Brian Last Name Withheld

[59:45] It says

[59:47] Dan is not given the respect he deserves

[59:49] Because he has what I call the shimp quality

[59:51] Chimp quality? Yeah he is like a chimp

[59:53] The shimp quality

[59:55] Elliot, obviously, is Curly.

[59:57] He's immediately the one you notice first and is the superstar of the group.

[1:00:01] Who dies the youngest.

[1:00:01] So you appreciate him first.

[1:00:03] Stuart is Larry.

[1:00:04] He's not noticed right away, but once he is,

[1:00:07] you realize what an integral and great part he is to the group.

[1:00:10] He adds to the pot without the flashiness of Elliot Curly,

[1:00:13] but helps elevate the rest.

[1:00:14] I think it's the other way around.

[1:00:16] I think I'm Moe and he's Curly.

[1:00:18] Dan is the last to be appreciated.

[1:00:20] The main reason is that he's the host,

[1:00:22] and being so, he has to harness the personalities of his co-hosts.

[1:00:25] He understands what makes a host great

[1:00:26] is stepping back and allowing others to shine

[1:00:29] while holding down the foundation.

[1:00:30] It is, unfortunately, the Zeppo role.

[1:00:33] Oof.

[1:00:33] I think you're overestimating Zeppo's importance

[1:00:37] to the Marx Brothers.

[1:00:38] As the straight man is usually not allowed

[1:00:41] to engage in the zany antics of the others,

[1:00:43] Dan falls into the only sane man comedy trope,

[1:00:46] a straight man who has craziness

[1:00:48] and wild characters all around him.

[1:00:49] Examples?

[1:00:50] Michael Bluth.

[1:00:51] Frasier.

[1:00:52] Dr. Watson.

[1:00:53] Jim Halpert.

[1:00:55] Tim Canterbury, Jerry Seinfeld, Agent Coulson.

[1:00:57] So why do I say...

[1:00:59] Here's one.

[1:00:59] Dan, you know what?

[1:01:00] You'll feel praised by this.

[1:01:01] Bilbo Baggins, Arthur Dent.

[1:01:03] You know, he was the real one.

[1:01:04] I'll take Arthur Dent.

[1:01:05] No, you know who I'd compare you to?

[1:01:06] Kermit T. Frog.

[1:01:07] Thank you.

[1:01:08] That's probably the best.

[1:01:10] It's almost as if I'm Han Solo, Elliot's Chewbacca,

[1:01:13] and you get to be Luke Skywalker.

[1:01:14] I would prefer to be Kermit the Frog.

[1:01:16] It's almost like I'm Donatello,

[1:01:20] you're Raphael Michelangelo, and you're Leonardo.

[1:01:22] Can we go back to Kermit?

[1:01:23] It's almost like you're a wolverine, I'm the beast.

[1:01:25] And you're just like loves.

[1:01:27] No, you're the kermit of the group.

[1:01:28] Dan has the shimp quality.

[1:01:30] Shimp is not the straight man.

[1:01:32] That role pretty much goes to Larry.

[1:01:33] I once read, in Jewish culture, a boy becomes a man when he turns 13.

[1:01:38] In Stooges culture, it happens when he learns to love shimp.

[1:01:41] Shimp is not appreciated right away,

[1:01:44] almost totally because he's held up against the impossible shadow of Curly.

[1:01:47] However, once you actually stop comparing shimp

[1:01:50] and start looking at him as his own person,

[1:01:54] you can begin to appreciate and then love Shemp.

[1:01:57] So the love of Dan McCoy is more of a slow burn,

[1:02:00] but because of that, it shines the brightest.

[1:02:02] Well, I appreciate that backhandedest of backhanded compliments.

[1:02:08] I mean, being a Shemp is better than being the Zeppo.

[1:02:11] No, it is better than being the Zeppo.

[1:02:13] And also, you know, I like being the Shemp

[1:02:19] because that reminds me of Evil Dead.

[1:02:20] And how they call all the random zombies as chimps.

[1:02:24] And the stand-ins.

[1:02:25] Yeah.

[1:02:25] So, thank you.

[1:02:27] Whatever gets you through the days, you know?

[1:02:29] When you're staring into the darkness.

[1:02:32] Yeah.

[1:02:32] If we were Ghostbusters, what would I think?

[1:02:36] What, you'd be...

[1:02:37] Stuart would be Peter Venkman.

[1:02:39] Peter Venkman, yeah.

[1:02:39] I guess I'd be Egon.

[1:02:40] And then what would you be?

[1:02:41] Ernie Hudson?

[1:02:42] You'd be Slimer?

[1:02:44] I can't even...

[1:02:45] Wait, what's Rick Moranis' character again?

[1:02:47] I can't even be Ray.

[1:02:48] You will not even let me be Ray.

[1:02:50] Okay, you can be Ray.

[1:02:52] You would be Ray, that's true.

[1:02:54] Yeah, practice your cross-eyed blowjobs.

[1:02:56] That's the receiving of blowjobs, guys.

[1:02:59] Yeah, from a ghost.

[1:03:01] I'm not misinterpreting the movie.

[1:03:02] Gotta put on a Napoleon costume first.

[1:03:05] Not the dessert, the sort of thing.

[1:03:09] Lastly, Dear the Flophouse,

[1:03:12] this is from Auntie, last name withheld,

[1:03:15] in sunny Finland.

[1:03:16] Dear the Flophouse,

[1:03:18] What are wormy boners?

[1:03:19] Do I have one?

[1:03:21] Well, your doctor will be able to help you with that.

[1:03:23] If you think you have a wormy boner, you should probably see a physician.

[1:03:26] But, Stuart, what would you say?

[1:03:28] Well, first off, it looks like a curlicue pigtail.

[1:03:32] I always assumed that the cryptkeeper has a wormy boner.

[1:03:37] Yeah, because he's a rotting corpse.

[1:03:39] In all your mental images, because there's no actual images of police.

[1:03:43] Crypt Keeper is like in his crypt searching the World Wide Web.

[1:03:49] Picking a louse.

[1:03:50] Yeah.

[1:03:50] I needed a prescription for Viagra because I had erectile decomposition.

[1:03:55] Yeah.

[1:03:56] Those were my boners.

[1:03:59] That was pretty good.

[1:04:00] Raceway Park.

[1:04:01] That's for anyone listening who grew up in the tri-state region.

[1:04:05] He's having sex with MILFs.

[1:04:07] That's mummy I like to fuck.

[1:04:08] That's basically like in The Frighteners, right?

[1:04:12] Yeah.

[1:04:13] When John Astin

[1:04:15] John Astin as the cowboy ghost

[1:04:17] Has sex with a mummy

[1:04:18] He likes it when they just lie there

[1:04:21] Oh

[1:04:21] Look that's not my joke

[1:04:23] It's in the movie right

[1:04:25] You can't be blamed for it

[1:04:27] I can be blamed for remembering it

[1:04:29] So thank you for your letters

[1:04:34] As always

[1:04:35] Didn't really answer the question but okay

[1:04:37] I think we both described it pretty well

[1:04:40] It's on the Crypt Keeper

[1:04:41] It looks like a pig's curlicue tail

[1:04:43] all right i already erased that from my memory yeah uh now lastly uh not firstly is the part of

[1:04:51] the podcast where we recommend a movie that you should watch instead of star wars episode 2 attack

[1:04:57] of the clones elliot what do you have to say i'm going to recommend a movie i enjoyed uh well

[1:05:04] enjoyed might be the wrong word it was a good movie but it's uh you know not a not a comedy or

[1:05:08] nothing it's a recent film called war witch uh it came out last year that sounds awesome and it's a

[1:05:14] it's a it's not what you think it is it's a uh french language movie mostly set in africa where

[1:05:22] uh it's in sub-saharan africa about a 12 year old girl who is kidnapped by soldiers and forced to

[1:05:29] become a child soldier first they forced her to kill her parents uh in front of them and then

[1:05:36] they induct her and she seems to be able to see the spirits of the deceased who warn her of danger

[1:05:44] and so she gains reputation among the rebels that she's been forced to serve with as a war witch is

[1:05:50] this the movie that you keep trying to get hallie to watch i think hallie would like it not keep i

[1:05:53] recommended it to her once i think i feel like i've been in the room at least three times when

[1:05:58] this is i don't think so but uh anyway but she's right up hallie's alley i don't know what you're

[1:06:03] The way I'm describing it sounds more supernatural than it is.

[1:06:06] It's more about this girl being forced into a very hellish situation.

[1:06:10] Sounds like the Ghost Whisperer.

[1:06:11] It's not the Ghost Whisperer.

[1:06:12] It is the farthest thing from the Ghost Whisperer.

[1:06:17] Jennifer Love Hewitt's Ghost Cleavage Show.

[1:06:20] That's the Ghost with the most whispers, right?

[1:06:22] It's more about her trying to escape these men with the help of a slightly older boy named Magician,

[1:06:29] who they believe has magic powers,

[1:06:31] and trying to get away from these soldiers

[1:06:34] and then trying to live with the things that she's been forced to do.

[1:06:36] And it was just a really good movie.

[1:06:40] It was harsh at times, but it was touching at other times.

[1:06:42] And I thought they did a really great job of telling the story

[1:06:45] without being overly sensational or overly maudlin

[1:06:49] about kind of the plight of child soldiers after they stopped fighting.

[1:06:54] So War Witch, I thought was very good.

[1:06:56] I would like to recommend a movie.

[1:06:58] I saw an advanced screening of the Coen Brothers new movie, Inside Llewyn Davis.

[1:07:05] I have been forbidden by Elliot from saying too much because he doesn't want any spoilers.

[1:07:11] I can leave the room.

[1:07:12] No, no, it's fine.

[1:07:13] I will say about this movie.

[1:07:15] Starting at the end.

[1:07:17] Elliot was not necessarily, like, he loves the Coen Brothers like I love the Coen Brothers.

[1:07:23] I think they're great.

[1:07:24] And I think they're possibly the best living filmmakers in America, certainly.

[1:07:28] But he was not particularly excited about this film just because the subject matter, he didn't find that interesting.

[1:07:34] Because the folk world of the 60s, I can give you that.

[1:07:36] Yeah, and I'm not particularly interested in the folk scene of early 1960s Greenwich Village, New York.

[1:07:44] That said, I love this movie, start to finish.

[1:07:49] It might be my favorite movie that I've seen released this year.

[1:07:53] It does have a wonderful soundtrack, even though I'm not a folky by any means.

[1:08:00] T-Bone Burnett, of course, is known for putting together great soundtracks.

[1:08:05] And a great steak.

[1:08:06] New York strip?

[1:08:10] I will say it's a movie that is not dependent on plot at all.

[1:08:18] It is a very mood-driven film,

[1:08:22] and it is a sort of an examination of a guy

[1:08:28] who is stubbornly a failure,

[1:08:33] and not because the world is against him often,

[1:08:38] but because he is just a failure by nature.

[1:08:44] He makes his own failure in spite of being a wonderful folk musician,

[1:08:48] And it has this bittersweet, wintry mood about it.

[1:08:54] And it's a character study.

[1:08:56] It's a study in mood.

[1:08:57] It's not a heavily plotted film,

[1:08:59] but it's one I think that will stick with you if you see it.

[1:09:02] So that's my recommendation.

[1:09:03] I'm going to recommend seeing the next movie in the pod crawl.

[1:09:08] Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sniff.

[1:09:12] And I'm also going to recommend Revenge of the Snuff,

[1:09:15] which you should watch so you can get prepped.

[1:09:18] You can bone up on your Star Wars bullshit for the next one of these.

[1:09:20] And I'm also going to recommend a movie I don't think I've ever actually

[1:09:25] recommended, but I may have mentioned.

[1:09:26] Also featuring.

[1:09:28] It's called Head of the Family.

[1:09:29] Star Wars star, Ewan McGregor.

[1:09:32] It's called Nightwatch.

[1:09:34] It's called A Life Less Ordinary.

[1:09:35] And it's like a horror movie thriller starring.

[1:09:40] It's an early Ewan McGregor.

[1:09:41] Yeah.

[1:09:41] It's based on a Scandinavian film.

[1:09:44] Yeah, I think you're right.

[1:09:45] It does not feature, what is it, vampires?

[1:09:48] What's in that Russian one?

[1:09:49] It's not, yeah.

[1:09:50] It's not the one about the forces of good and evil.

[1:09:53] It's about a, what, a med student who by night works as a night watchman at a-

[1:10:01] At a mortuary.

[1:10:02] And it, up until the recent Ty West film, what is that, House of the Devil?

[1:10:11] I haven't seen a movie that so perfectly captures that feeling of creepiness

[1:10:15] of walking around a big building by yourself.

[1:10:18] Aside from Mirrors, when he goes to that abandoned department building

[1:10:22] in the middle of Manhattan.

[1:10:23] Yeah, but that one wasn't creepy.

[1:10:25] And there isn't a CGI demon spoiler alert in this one.

[1:10:29] And there's a young Josh Brolin in it who's very good.

[1:10:33] Nick Nolte is super creepy as usual.

[1:10:36] And yeah, it's great.

[1:10:38] I recommend it.

[1:10:39] All right.

[1:10:41] So that brings us to the end of our part in the pod crawl.

[1:10:45] Our part in the pod crawl.

[1:10:47] If you want to listen to the first part.

[1:10:49] Laser sword, laser sword, Han Solos.

[1:10:51] If you want to listen to the first part, check out Read It and Weep.

[1:10:54] If you want to listen to the third part in a week or more,

[1:10:59] I'm not exactly sure when it comes out.

[1:11:00] It'll come out at the end of this month.

[1:11:03] Listen to Proudly Resents.

[1:11:04] And, you know, it's a trilogy that at least will be on par with the movies that we watch.

[1:11:11] uh but until next time we're the worst one right we yeah just like in the original we're the worst

[1:11:19] one we won the award uh but someone throw us in the sarlacc as punishment we're gonna be

[1:11:26] we're gonna be digested for a thousand years along with i'm assuming a shitload of dewbacks

[1:11:31] that just wandered in because it looks delicious and then you think it's just a giant asshole

[1:11:38] on the sand

[1:11:38] and then a fucking

[1:11:39] beak comes out.

[1:11:39] It looks delicious,

[1:11:40] this enormous

[1:11:40] toothed sand rectum.

[1:11:42] Yeah, real delicious.

[1:11:44] The anal dentata.

[1:11:46] The legendary.

[1:11:48] Whoa, chill out.

[1:11:49] There's a beak, come on.

[1:11:50] And tentacles.

[1:11:51] There's a beak

[1:11:52] in the special edition.

[1:11:54] In the original movies,

[1:11:56] it's just a rubbery throat.

[1:11:57] All right, we'll keep arguing

[1:11:59] about Star Trek ephemera

[1:12:00] after the podcast is over.

[1:12:01] Star Trek?

[1:12:02] What the hell are you talking about?

[1:12:03] Jesus Christ.

[1:12:04] Abort, abort.

[1:12:06] You want to get us killed?

[1:12:07] We've got to get out of this neighborhood.

[1:12:09] Thank you, Susan.

[1:12:10] Let's get out of Ixnay.

[1:12:12] For the podcast, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:12:14] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:12:16] And if you're any less, I am not Elliot Kalin.

[1:12:18] Good night, everyone.

[1:12:19] Make it so.

[1:12:20] Warp speed.

[1:12:36] Sorry, I'm really gassing, I guess.

[1:12:38] Oh shit, we're recording.

[1:12:39] Live mic!

[1:12:41] Everyone on the internet knows that you fart.

[1:12:43] That is terrible smelling, by the way.

[1:12:45] I apologize.

[1:12:46] Wow.

[1:12:47] Yeah.

[1:12:49] I think that's because of the cat more than anything else.

[1:12:54] No.

[1:12:56] No, no, I mean my coughing.

[1:12:58] Not because of your fart.

[1:13:00] I think Dan's going to cry.

The Flop House: Episode #139 - Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones

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