The Flop House: Episode #141 - Last Ounce of Courage

Dan McCoy

[0:00] It's a Flophouse holiday extravaganza as we discuss the war on Christmas movie, Last Ounce of Courage.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] Hey guys, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] Hiya pals, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] We did it.

[0:42] Okay, call it a day everybody.

[0:44] Quitting time, punch out.

Dan McCoy

[0:46] We can punch out and then the fucking wolf can come and get the sheep dogs or whatever.

[0:51] Yeah, Harvey Keitel, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[0:52] Yeah, Winston.

Stuart Wellington

[0:54] I don't want Harvey Keitel to show up. I imagine sexual misadventures would be in the offing.

Elliott Kalan

[0:59] Yeah, from the sexual misadventures of Harvey Keitel, chapters 1 through 8.

Dan McCoy

[1:03] Only if this is a Jane Campion directed film would that be the case.

[1:06] But this is the Flophouse. It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we discuss it.

[1:11] So a podcast is something you download off the internet.

[1:14] So let's start watching that bad movie. Turn it on?

[1:16] No, we watched it already. It's gone off the rails already.

[1:20] It appears my brain has deleted my memory of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] You want to pop some corn?

[1:24] Some popping corn.

[1:26] Maybe some Skittles?

[1:27] Let's just eat corn on the cob.

[1:29] Let's just eat corn on the cob like the Pilgrims did when they went to the movies.

[1:34] They called them Flickers.

[1:35] Yep.

[1:37] And I think everybody will remember...

[1:38] And they burned the projectionist as a witch.

[1:40] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41] Because Pilgrims were defending their right to be able to watch whatever movies they wanted.

[1:45] Yeah, not just the movies that Crown told them.

[1:46] It's the subject of those rights that we are going to talk about today, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] Yeah, we watched a serious movie about serious issues tonight.

[1:53] And that movie was, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[1:55] It was called Last Ounce of Courage.

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] Now that Last Ounce of Courage is such a stirring, dramatic title.

[2:01] I assume this was about a battle of some kind, maybe a struggle, a war even.

[2:06] What war would this be?

[2:07] Like a not without my daughter?

Dan McCoy

[2:09] Yeah.

[2:10] It is the...

[2:10] You know, like a Revenge of the Nerds?

[2:12] Most dramatic war.

[2:13] A war that has claimed millions and millions of lives.

[2:16] It's the war on Christmas.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] So by millions of lives, you meant zero.

[2:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:21] Well, Jesus.

[2:23] But I guess that wasn't part of the war on Christmas, per se.

[2:25] It was the war on...

[2:26] It was more of a war on early Christianity.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] It was more of a one-man war on Christ.

[2:29] Yeah, it was more of like...

[2:30] Waged by Pontius Pilate in my new Vigilante film.

Dan McCoy

[2:32] Early Romans being unhappy with these dissidents in their midst.

[2:37] In fact, I believe I know a song about it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:39] What then to do about Jesus of Nazareth?

[2:42] Miracle wonder man, hero of fools.

[2:44] No fighting, no slow...

Dan McCoy

[2:47] No rise, etc.

[2:48] If I had any fear that Andrew Lloyd Webber listened to this show,

[2:51] I would be terrified that ASCAP would be after us right now.

[2:54] So let's just do a...

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] ASCAP, the weekly improv show for Citizens Brigade?

[2:58] It's a good thing for you that Halle's not here,

[3:00] or else we would do that whole song from the beginning.

[3:03] So this movie lasts...

[3:05] So it's the war on Christmas.

[3:06] And what I didn't like about this movie,

[3:08] aside from the fact that the acting and everything else in it is bad,

[3:12] was that it conflated the war on Christmas

[3:15] with the war on terror,

[3:17] and the war for freedom and America.

[3:21] Yeah.

[3:21] In a way that I found offensive more as an American than as a non-Christian.

Stuart Wellington

[3:25] I think before we get into you being offended...

[3:29] Or you being Jewish.

[3:30] Because I don't actually care about that at all.

[3:32] So what was this movie about, Elliot?

[3:34] Well, we open with a...

[3:36] Smash cut.

[3:37] Because you don't...

[3:38] Not to give a smash cut from nothing.

[3:41] Fade in.

[3:42] At first there was darkness,

[3:43] and then there was a quote from one of the presidents.

Elliott Kalan

[3:45] There's a quote from Ronald Reagan in the 60s,

[3:48] laid over Vietnam footage,

[3:49] as if...

[3:50] And it said 1961,

[3:52] and then Ronald Reagan,

[3:53] President of the United States,

[3:54] which seems to be implying that he was president in the 60s,

[3:57] which is not true at all.

[3:58] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[3:59] Whatever, revisionist historian.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] No, that's just a historian.

[4:03] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[4:04] Yeah.

[4:05] Take your textbooks about evolution

[4:07] and put them in the tar pits.

[4:10] You mean the place where we found

[4:11] much of our evidence for evolution, Dan?

[4:13] High five.

[4:14] I'm over here.

[4:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:16] I don't understand.

Dan McCoy

[4:17] Take it away.

[4:18] Take your Judaism and go.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] I mean, I don't have to take it.

[4:21] I thought we were going to wait

[4:22] before we brought up Elliot's Judaism.

[4:24] Yeah, it really seems like...

Dan McCoy

[4:25] I apologize.

[4:26] I'm being singled out

[4:26] for being the one Jewish guy here.

[4:28] Last House of Courage really hyped me up.

Elliott Kalan

[4:30] Yeah.

[4:31] I want to go ahead.

[4:32] Dan really took this movie to heart.

[4:33] And at the end,

[4:34] in the rousing rooftop speech about freedom,

[4:37] he really...

[4:38] After the characters had just hoisted

[4:39] an enormous cross

[4:40] to the side of a historic building.

[4:42] I took a menorah

[4:43] and I shoved it up Elliot's ass.

[4:45] Wow.

[4:45] After he...

[4:46] Yeah, we call that

[4:46] the ninth night of Hanukkah.

[4:48] Boo!

[4:49] Boo!

[4:50] Boo!

[4:50] Anyway, continuing.

[4:52] So, then we go straight

[4:53] to home video footage

[4:54] of these two friends

[4:56] and one of the friends' girlfriend

[4:58] hanging out.

[4:58] Okay, I like it.

[4:59] They're regular, all-American.

[5:00] Almost found footage type movies.

[5:01] Yeah, it's like Apollo 19,

[5:03] whatever that was called.

[5:05] Chernobyl's Diaries.

[5:06] Yeah, your Blair's Witches projects.

[5:09] Your Paranormals activity.

[5:12] Your Rex.

[5:15] Or your Rex.

[5:16] He's right, he's right.

[5:19] I thought you meant Theodore Rex

[5:20] at first.

[5:20] Yeah.

[5:21] Which is...

[5:21] And I was like,

[5:22] that's a found footage film?

[5:23] I think it is.

Stuart Wellington

[5:27] It would be Goldberg

[5:27] shot the whole thing

[5:28] with a camcorder.

Elliott Kalan

[5:29] Yeah, yeah, a handy cam, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:31] And they used a real dinosaur

[5:32] that was really a wisecracking guy.

[5:34] Exactly.

[5:35] Before they put him

[5:35] in a time capsule

[5:36] and sent him back

[5:37] to the future.

[5:39] To stop his parents

[5:40] from not getting together?

[5:41] His space parents.

[5:42] Wait, hold on.

[5:42] His dino space parents.

Dan McCoy

[5:43] Is that what Theodore Rex

[5:44] is about?

[5:45] Is the dinosaur

[5:45] in a time capsule?

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] No, it's the future

[5:47] where dinosaurs are back again

[5:49] and they're cops.

[5:50] Are they better than ever?

[5:51] You better believe it.

[5:52] He is a no-holds-barred

[5:54] party dude.

[5:55] A real fun-asaurus.

[5:57] He does not play the rules

[5:58] by the rules

[5:59] despite being a cop.

[6:00] And also,

[6:01] Whoopi Goldberg

Dan McCoy

[6:02] is a future cop.

[6:02] Now this Theodore Rex

[6:04] does he wear sneakers?

[6:06] You better believe he does.

Stuart Wellington

[6:07] However,

[6:08] they are not made

[6:08] for his feet

[6:09] so his claws

[6:09] just burst right through.

[6:11] Pop right out.

Elliott Kalan

[6:11] He does not wear

[6:12] regulation clothes.

[6:13] Like Wolverine's claws.

[6:14] Exactly.

[6:15] Not at all.

[6:17] You mean like the Wolverine?

[6:18] He goes snicked.

[6:20] Nope.

[6:20] And nope.

[6:21] Yeah, Wolverine's always

Stuart Wellington

[6:22] running around with gloves on

[6:23] and with the fingers

[6:24] all blasted out

[6:25] because his claws are extended.

[6:26] Wolverine,

[6:27] I'm like, dude,

[6:28] I gave you that

[6:29] catchment for Christmas.

[6:30] Why are you trying

[6:31] to put it on?

[6:32] Wolverine.

[6:32] That's when they're

[6:32] trying to play baseball

[6:33] against the Avengers.

Elliott Kalan

[6:34] I wouldn't have gotten

[6:35] you real leather gloves

[6:36] if I knew you were

[6:36] just going to ruin them

[6:37] with your claws

[6:38] on the best terms

[6:39] of what I do.

[6:40] What I do is

[6:40] ruining gloves.

[6:42] Can I return these gloves?

[6:43] Sir, there are three

[6:44] big holes in the back

[6:46] of both these gloves.

[6:46] I bought them that way.

[6:48] Bub.

[6:49] No, you didn't, Logan.

[6:50] And I know your name

[6:51] because you've tried

[6:51] to return gloves

[6:52] so many times.

Stuart Wellington

[6:54] Nope.

[6:54] Don't try and put

[6:55] that eye patch on.

[6:56] This is like...

[6:56] We got a call

[6:57] from the Madripoor branch.

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] We know Patch

[6:59] and Logan

[6:59] are the same person.

[7:01] Well, what if I say

[7:02] my name's James Howlett?

[7:03] Again, same guy.

Dan McCoy

[7:04] The best I can do

[7:05] is store credit.

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] And it reminds me

[7:09] of a sketch

[7:10] that my old sketch partner

[7:12] Brock and I

[7:12] once wrote

[7:13] in which Hulk Hogan

[7:14] is trying to return

[7:15] a t-shirt

[7:16] saying it was already

[7:17] ripped when he bought it.

[7:19] And the clerk

[7:19] doesn't believe him

[7:20] because he's tried

[7:21] to return

[7:21] so many ripped t-shirts.

[7:24] And he proves him wrong

[7:25] by taunting him

[7:25] into revealing Hulkamania

[7:26] and of course

[7:27] ripping the shirt

[7:28] off his back.

[7:30] Anyway, so...

[7:31] Family.

Elliott Kalan

[7:32] Three blonde-haired,

[7:33] blue-eyed teens

[7:34] hanging out.

[7:35] Then we quickly

[7:36] fast-forward through time.

[7:37] The girl and the boy

[7:38] get married.

[7:39] The other boy

[7:40] is a friend.

[7:41] They get married

[7:42] and the now-grown man

[7:44] leaves his pregnant wife

[7:45] and his father

[7:46] who we've seen

[7:46] as a biker.

[7:47] He's a middle-aged biker

[7:49] who has a big American flag

[7:50] on the back of his motorcycle

[7:51] and also

[7:52] it says America

[7:53] on the bike

[7:54] and he has a

[7:55] leather jacket,

[7:56] a denim jacket

[7:57] with the best patches ever.

[7:58] Yeah, his cut.

[7:59] His motorcycle gang cut.

[8:02] He's from the Hellfighters

[8:03] which sounds like

[8:04] a tough war group

[8:05] but they're just

[8:07] like Christians I guess.

[8:08] And he has one patch

[8:09] that says

[8:10] that says Satan sucks

[8:13] and he has another patch

[8:14] that says 666

[8:14] with a cross through it

[8:16] like the Ghostbusters sign.

Dan McCoy

[8:17] My other patch

[8:18] is a Porsche.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] It doesn't make much sense.

[8:21] No, it's not.

[8:22] There's one that says

[8:22] if you can see

[8:24] if you can read this

[8:25] then Jesus fell off my bike

[8:26] because I guess

[8:28] Jesus was riding behind him.

Dan McCoy

[8:29] Yeah.

[8:30] Well, there was only

[8:31] one set of tire treads

[8:32] and that was when

[8:32] Jesus was carrying him.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] I see.

[8:34] And his bike.

[8:35] Yeah.

[8:36] Wait, and Jesus has

[8:37] like a tire for feet

[8:38] like gizmoduck?

[8:39] Yeah, exactly.

[8:40] So it's like Gizmo Christ.

Stuart Wellington

[8:44] Except in his off time

[8:46] he isn't what

[8:46] like an inventor

[8:47] or what the fuck

[8:48] was Gizmoduck?

[8:48] He was a bean counter.

[8:50] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] He just found

[8:51] a magic robot suit?

[8:52] No, no, no, no, no.

[8:53] The scientist said

[8:54] Wait, did Gyro Gearless

[8:55] create it?

[8:55] Gyro Gearless made it

[8:57] I think

[8:57] and he said

[8:58] I'm going to use

[8:59] a code word

[9:00] He's the forge

[9:00] of this universe.

[9:02] No, he's a Native American.

[9:04] a code word

[9:05] He said

[9:06] a code word

[9:07] no one would ever say

[9:07] and I think it was

[9:08] like jumping jelly beans

[9:09] or something like that.

[9:10] But that's something

[9:11] that Gizmoduck

[9:12] and his civilian identity

[9:13] said as his regular

[9:14] catchphrase

[9:15] expostulation

[9:16] It's like in

[9:17] comic book

Stuart Wellington

[9:18] 100 Bullets

[9:19] with Kroatoa

[9:20] as the safe word.

[9:21] Exactly.

[9:22] Or it's like

[9:22] The Greatest American Hero

Dan McCoy

[9:24] where he lost

[9:24] the instruction manual

[9:26] to a suit.

[9:26] No, it's not like that

[9:27] at all.

Elliott Kalan

[9:28] It's exactly the same.

[9:29] No, he knows it.

[9:30] That's how he gets

[9:31] in the suit.

[9:31] It's like Captain America

[9:32] because as soon as

[9:33] the Gizmoduck armor

[9:33] go on him

[9:34] a Nazi spy

[9:35] shoots Gyro Gearless

[9:36] ensuring they can

[9:37] never build another one.

[9:39] Another Gyro Gearless?

[9:40] Yes.

[9:41] He can't pass on

[9:42] his genetic information.

[9:43] Okay, that's good.

[9:44] Anyway, we're like

[9:45] 35 seconds into this movie.

[9:47] Yeah, sorry.

[9:47] Anyway, so there's a family.

[9:48] There's a mom and dad.

[9:49] The dad is a veteran

[9:50] of the Vietnam War

[9:51] and he's a biker

[9:51] who's also a pharmacist

[9:53] and the mayor.

[9:55] Man who wears many hats.

Dan McCoy

[9:56] And he also,

[9:57] when he's a biker

[9:57] he looks like

[9:58] Peter Fonda

[10:00] from Easy Rider.

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] No, he looks like

[10:03] Peter Fonda now

[10:04] with like a gut

[10:05] and using like Cialis.

Dan McCoy

[10:07] But he's got that

[10:08] Captain America biker look

[10:09] but he's the opposite

[10:10] of a hippie

[10:11] is all I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] He looks like

[10:12] the kind of guys

[10:13] you see riding motorcycles

[10:14] around on the weekends

[10:15] where you're like

[10:16] fuck you,

[10:17] just get off that bike

[10:18] and get back into

[10:19] the car you own

[10:20] so you can go to your job.

[10:21] Like, you're not a tough biker.

[10:23] You're just some guy

[10:23] who owns a bike.

[10:25] Okay.

[10:25] Real judgmental this guy.

[10:27] Exactly.

[10:27] Look, I'm very judgmental.

[10:28] That's why they gave me

[10:29] that show, Judge Judy.

[10:31] I had to change my name

[10:32] to Judy

[10:33] which I was not happy about.

[10:34] Yeah.

[10:35] But hey, for my own show

[10:36] then they changed it

[10:37] to Punch and Judge Judy

[10:39] and Punch just hits me

[10:40] all the time.

[10:41] I do not like it.

[10:43] Terrible bailiff.

[10:44] Anyway, so

[10:45] the son goes off to war

[10:48] leaving behind

[10:48] his pregnant wife

[10:49] and at the last minute

[10:50] they give him a camcorder

[10:51] because so that he can

[10:52] I guess record his war fun.

[10:54] Yeah, yeah.

[10:54] They want some DIY footage.

[10:56] All of his adventures

[10:57] and unfortunately

[10:59] they receive

[11:00] the baby grows up

[11:01] a little bit,

[11:02] time passes,

[11:02] they miss him.

[11:03] They get letters from him

[11:04] about how important it is

[11:05] that he's fighting for freedom

[11:06] and unfortunately

[11:07] one day they get

[11:07] the worst news

[11:08] that a family can receive

[11:10] that their son

[11:11] has been lost in battle.

Dan McCoy

[11:12] They get a Teddy Graham

[11:13] delivered to them?

[11:14] It's a callback

[11:15] to an old episode.

[11:16] Very old episode.

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] Very old episode

[11:18] about World War II

[11:19] telegram delivery men

[11:21] bringing Teddy Grahams

[11:22] to the widows

[11:24] of the war dead.

[11:25] It takes the sting

[11:25] out a little bit.

[11:26] Yeah.

[11:26] Now, this is,

[11:27] and so they bring,

[11:29] their son has died in battle,

[11:31] they have a funeral,

[11:32] it's really sad,

[11:33] and the mother

[11:33] moves away

[11:35] with her son

[11:37] who's still a baby,

[11:38] leaving behind

[11:39] the family

[11:39] when they most need her

[11:40] to keep this connection

[11:42] with their son.

[11:43] Flash forward

[11:43] 14 years,

[11:45] which means we're

[11:46] technically in the future.

[11:47] Yeah.

[11:48] Yes.

[11:49] Which is,

[11:50] and the only thing

[11:50] that's different

[11:51] about this future

[11:51] is that Christmas

[11:52] seems to have been

Stuart Wellington

[11:53] outlawed in some way.

[11:54] And everybody looks

[11:55] the same so that

[11:56] when there's like

[11:56] flash forwards

[11:57] and flashbacks,

[11:58] you're like,

[11:58] what time am I in?

[11:59] What's going on?

[12:00] Yeah, you're like

[12:01] Billy Pilgrim,

Elliott Kalan

[12:02] you're unstuck

[12:02] in the chronology.

[12:03] Exactly.

[12:05] But Christmas

[12:06] hasn't really been outlawed

[12:08] and that's a big point

[12:09] the movie keeps making,

[12:10] which we'll get to.

[12:11] It's kind of like

[12:11] The Purge

[12:12] but with Christmas

[12:13] and crime.

[12:15] I mean,

[12:16] you say it's the future

[12:17] but I think

[12:17] the laws seem to be

[12:19] exactly the same.

[12:20] No, no.

[12:20] It has to be the future

[12:22] because it's 14 years

[12:23] after now.

[12:24] All right.

[12:25] Like we're,

[12:26] maybe it's not 14 years

[12:27] into our future.

[12:28] Maybe the beginning

[12:29] of the movie

[12:29] is 2003,

[12:31] 2002,

[12:31] they're just invading

[12:32] Afghanistan or Iraq

[12:33] and so it's like

[12:35] 14 years from then

[12:36] which is still

[12:37] three or four years

[12:38] in our future.

[12:38] They use intentionally

Stuart Wellington

[12:39] vague terms

[12:40] to refer to the war

[12:41] because they want

[12:42] it to be timely.

[12:43] So that in 300 years

[12:45] when people put on

[12:46] the Zontarans

[12:47] on Nebula 5.

Elliott Kalan

[12:49] People watch this

[12:50] on their hologram players.

[12:51] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[12:51] and they're like,

[12:52] wait,

[12:52] that doesn't look like

[12:52] Zontar.

Elliott Kalan

[12:54] They're like,

[12:54] wait a minute,

[12:55] you're right,

[12:56] we should be celebrating

[12:57] botmists in the open

[12:58] because we'll all be

[12:58] robots by then.

Stuart Wellington

[13:00] Okay,

[13:00] after we're done

[13:02] talking about the movie,

[13:03] I want you to explain

[13:03] botmists in it.

[13:04] Well,

[13:05] it celebrates the manufacturing

Elliott Kalan

[13:08] of robot genius

[13:09] or as he's also known,

[13:10] robot genius.

Stuart Wellington

[13:12] Those robots aren't geniuses

[13:14] is what you're saying.

[13:15] Well,

[13:15] it was a baby genius.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] It was a baby robot genius

[13:18] or as he's also known

[13:20] the Christazoid.

[13:21] Okay.

[13:21] But that's in the future

[13:23] when we're still under attack

[13:24] by the Zontarans.

[13:25] Okay.

[13:26] So,

[13:26] it's 14 years

[13:27] and the mom

[13:28] and her now grown son,

[13:29] Christian,

[13:30] who looks like

[13:30] some kind of,

[13:32] like,

[13:32] and I don't want to make fun

[13:33] of a kid's appearance.

[13:33] He's a teenager.

[13:35] But he looks like,

[13:36] kind of like,

[13:36] a mannequin

[13:38] whose cheeks melted in

[13:40] and his hair

[13:40] is always frozen

[13:42] in mid-windswept.

[13:43] Yeah.

[13:44] Like,

[13:44] it's this blonde highlight

[13:45] shaggy one direction haircut.

[13:46] Yeah,

[13:46] he's got these streaks too.

[13:48] But it's so...

[13:48] The old classic Bieber do.

[13:50] Yeah,

[13:50] but it's so shaped.

[13:52] Like you were saying,

[13:53] Stuart,

[13:53] it looks like he's always

[13:53] standing in front of a fan

[13:55] or there's always wind

[13:55] right behind him.

Dan McCoy

[13:57] It looked really hip

[13:58] about eight years ago.

[13:59] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] and when I said it,

[14:00] I meant that it looked amazing.

[14:02] Yeah,

[14:02] you meant it as the highest compliment.

[14:03] A Wellington can deliver.

[14:06] So,

[14:06] they move back into town

[14:07] and they find that

[14:08] the grandfather

[14:10] is really surly.

[14:13] He's withdrawn from life.

[14:14] He's withdrawn from all life

[14:15] except for his job

[14:16] as a pharmacist

[14:17] where he provides

[14:18] free health care

[14:18] for members of

[14:19] the Hyenas Motorcycle Club.

[14:21] A motorcycle gang

[14:21] run by a dwarf.

[14:23] Kind of like a criminal doctor

[14:24] it seems.

[14:25] Yeah,

[14:25] since a motorcycle guy

[14:27] comes in with

[14:27] what's clearly a stab wound

[14:29] on his side

[14:29] and he goes,

[14:30] I'll help you

[14:31] but you have to tell me

[14:31] what happened.

[14:32] And he's like,

[14:32] I don't know.

[14:33] And he makes up some story

[14:34] and the pharmacist is like,

[14:35] ha ha!

[14:36] Well,

[14:36] I'll fix you up

[14:37] and nobody has to know about it.

[14:38] Look,

[14:38] I play both sides of the law now.

[14:40] Where's a little scratch

[14:40] for the mayor?

[14:42] Mayor wants a little taste.

[14:43] Because as we find out

[14:44] much farther into the movie

[14:45] than we should have to,

[14:46] he's also the mayor

[14:47] of this town

[14:48] which is in Colorado,

[14:49] I think.

[14:50] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[14:50] But it is very strange.

[14:52] Mount Columbus,

Elliott Kalan

[14:52] named after the hero

[14:53] Christopher Columbus.

Dan McCoy

[14:54] And his mountain.

[14:55] used as a pharmacist

[14:56] doing surgery

[14:58] on a biker

[14:59] and then later on

[15:00] you're like,

[15:00] wait,

[15:00] he's the mayor?

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] Yeah.

[15:02] Clearly they don't know

[15:03] about his secret life

[15:04] as the crime doctor.

[15:06] Yep.

[15:07] So,

[15:08] the family comes back,

[15:09] he's surly

[15:10] and it turns out

[15:12] that

[15:13] he's still kind of

[15:15] mad over the loss

[15:16] of his son

[15:17] but he sees that

[15:18] his freedom

[15:19] to celebrate Christmas

[15:20] is slipping away.

[15:21] There used to be

[15:21] a big Christmas tree

[15:22] on the public square

[15:24] and that they're

[15:24] not allowed anymore.

[15:25] There's some building

[15:26] called the Mission

[15:27] so it's clearly

[15:28] like a Christian mission.

[15:29] Yeah,

[15:30] it's like a private

[15:30] Christian institution.

[15:32] That had a big cross

[15:33] on it that said

[15:33] Jesus saves

[15:34] and that was taken down

[15:35] because of,

[15:36] I guess,

[15:37] public disapproval

[15:38] but he has it

[15:38] in his garage?

[15:39] Like,

[15:39] it doesn't make any sense.

Stuart Wellington

[15:40] I think the real

[15:41] turning point

[15:41] is when

[15:42] the grandparents

[15:43] and mother

[15:44] are called

[15:44] into the high school

[15:45] because Christian

[15:46] is in trouble

[15:48] because he brought

[15:49] a Bible

[15:50] into school.

Dan McCoy

[15:51] He brought his

[15:51] dead father's Bible

[15:52] into school.

[15:53] So it's probably

Elliott Kalan

[15:54] haunted or something.

[15:55] It makes perfect sense.

[15:57] It was that the ghosts

[15:57] were bothering students

[15:58] when they were trying

[15:58] to study in study hall.

Dan McCoy

[15:59] So he's super in trouble

[16:00] for this thing

[16:01] that is not illegal.

Elliott Kalan

[16:03] Not against,

[16:03] and this is a point

[16:04] the movie keeps making.

[16:05] The principal says

[16:06] to the grandfather,

[16:07] no,

[16:08] the grandfather,

[16:08] the Leonard,

[16:09] the kindly black janitor

[16:11] says to the grandpa,

[16:13] this isn't,

[16:14] again,

[16:14] they're not even

[16:14] a law against it.

[16:15] They're just afraid

[16:16] about lawsuits

[16:16] and he goes into

[16:17] the principal

[16:17] and he's like,

[16:18] is this true?

[16:19] And the principal's like,

[16:20] hey,

[16:20] everyone wants

[16:20] to sue us

[16:21] these days

[16:22] because who knows

[16:22] what crazy stuff

[16:23] this school is doing

[16:24] that everyone wants

[16:25] to sue them.

[16:25] But everyone wants

[16:26] to sue us,

[16:27] so it's just better

[16:27] to play it safe.

[16:28] There's no rules

[16:29] against it.

[16:29] And the movie

[16:30] keeps making this point

[16:31] that the government

[16:32] has taken away

[16:33] your right

[16:34] to celebrate

[16:35] your religion

[16:35] and there isn't

[16:36] even a law

[16:37] against it,

[16:38] which makes no sense

[16:39] as a message.

[16:40] Like,

[16:41] the message is

[16:41] they're stopping you

[16:43] from doing this,

[16:44] but there's not even

[16:45] a law stopping you

[16:46] from doing it.

[16:47] Like,

[16:47] it's very weird.

[16:48] So he decides

[16:49] that Christian,

[16:51] they decide to watch

[16:52] some old videos

[16:53] of the dead son

[16:56] slash father.

[16:58] Christian is inspired

[16:59] by it.

[17:00] Tom.

[17:00] Tom is his name.

[17:01] Tom Revere.

[17:02] Oh, that's right.

[17:03] And Bob Revere

[17:03] is the mayor.

[17:04] Yeah.

[17:05] Because they Revere

[17:06] Christmas.

[17:07] And Christian Revere,

[17:08] it's everything's

[17:08] right there in his name.

[17:09] Yeah.

[17:10] And it's also like

[17:10] Paul Revere.

[17:12] Who?

[17:12] And the Raiders.

[17:13] What?

[17:13] Oh, okay.

[17:14] You know, the band?

[17:16] Made up of former

[17:17] Oakland Raiders players?

[17:21] Well,

[17:21] if you say so, Elliot.

[17:23] Believe me,

[17:24] I know both football

[17:25] and music.

[17:26] Two things I don't know.

[17:29] So they,

[17:30] Christian is like,

[17:31] what are we doing?

[17:32] well, I fought in Vietnam

[17:34] and your dad fought the war.

[17:35] But what are you doing now

[17:36] for our freedoms now?

[17:38] And the grandfather's like,

[17:39] hey, you know what?

[17:40] You're right.

[17:41] So with his mayor powers,

[17:42] he's gonna Christmas

[17:43] the shit out of the town.

[17:45] And he actually puts up

[17:45] a sign on the water tower

[17:46] declaring this Christmas city.

[17:48] Okay, that's going

[17:49] a little far, buddy.

[17:49] He's gonna paint

[17:50] the town Christmas.

[17:51] And he does.

[17:52] This does not,

[17:54] and everyone seems

[17:55] to be unhappy about this

[17:56] until they're happy about it.

[17:57] But it brings up

[17:58] the ire of Fred Williamson.

[18:01] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[18:01] most people seem

[18:02] to be happy about it

[18:02] other than there are

[18:03] like some protesters

[18:05] who show up

[18:06] on the town square lawn

[18:07] with signs saying,

[18:09] no Christmas

[18:10] and Christmas

[18:11] with crossed out.

Elliott Kalan

[18:12] Yeah, like Christmas busters.

[18:14] And there's one reporter

[18:15] who I guess represents

[18:16] like the liberal media,

[18:17] except she comes around

[18:18] to Christmas pretty quick

[18:19] and there's a great scene

[18:21] where she's interviewing

[18:21] the mayor

[18:22] while he's in a cherry picker

[18:23] because he was putting up

[18:24] Christmas snowflakes

[18:25] or something

[18:25] and he just doesn't get out of it

[18:27] to answer her questions.

[18:28] He just stands at a tilt.

Dan McCoy

[18:30] He's in the upper left-hand corner

[18:31] of the screen tilted

[18:33] talking to a woman

[18:34] standing straight

[18:35] in the bottom right-hand corner

[18:37] of the screen.

[18:37] He's enthroned

Elliott Kalan

[18:38] upon this cherry picker.

[18:39] Now everyone's like,

[18:40] you can't do this,

[18:41] you'll get in trouble.

[18:42] It's unconstitutional.

Dan McCoy

[18:43] just watch me.

[18:45] Show me the constitution.

Elliott Kalan

[18:46] And he just kind of

[18:47] bulldozes over everyone

[18:48] with his strength of will.

[18:49] It's a real triumph

[18:50] of the will, if you will.

[18:53] And I, you know,

[18:53] I've never heard

[18:54] that phrase before.

[18:55] But then we see

[18:57] in Washington

[18:58] that he's pissed off

[18:59] somebody in a building

[19:00] with pillars.

[19:01] He's pissed off

[19:02] Fred Williamson,

[19:03] who you may know

[19:03] as the star of

[19:04] thousands of Italian

[19:06] low-budget films.

Dan McCoy

[19:07] Yeah.

[19:08] Black exploitation movies.

[19:10] Black exploitation star.

Elliott Kalan

[19:11] He was also

[19:11] in Mars Attacks.

[19:12] Yeah, he's in a lot

[19:13] of stuff, you know.

[19:14] Yeah.

[19:15] He's also in this movie.

[19:16] And he's also in this

[19:17] as smoking a cigar

[19:18] and glowering.

[19:19] As the villain.

[19:20] He plays the leader

[19:21] of some kind of

[19:22] atheist organization

[19:23] and it's never made clear.

Dan McCoy

[19:24] Clearly the ACLU.

[19:25] They don't say it explicitly.

Elliott Kalan

[19:27] But he seems to have

[19:28] the force of the government

[19:29] behind him.

[19:29] There's a part

[19:30] where the mayor goes,

Dan McCoy

[19:31] wake up, Elliot.

[19:32] Wake up.

[19:33] The mayor goes,

[19:34] you don't have any jurisdiction.

[19:35] Wake up, King Obama.

[19:36] Sheeple.

Elliott Kalan

[19:37] The mayor goes,

[19:38] you don't have any jurisdiction here.

[19:39] And if it's the ACLU,

[19:40] they don't have jurisdiction anywhere.

[19:41] They're not a legal organization.

[19:42] You know,

[19:43] they have no policing abilities.

[19:45] You know,

[19:45] and they have jurisdiction

[19:46] everywhere

[19:47] because they're a private

[19:48] organization that

[19:49] operates within the United States.

[19:50] You know,

[19:51] but he decides

[19:53] he's the champion

[19:53] of anti-Christmas.

[19:55] And what's weird is that

[19:56] this is clearly

[19:57] a pro-Christmas,

[19:58] anti-secular movie.

[20:00] It is pro-putting Christmas

[20:01] in the town square

[20:02] and yet every time

[20:03] Fred Williamson

[20:03] gives his arguments,

[20:05] they are so reasonable

[20:05] and rational

[20:07] look,

[20:08] I'm here to protect

[20:09] civil rights.

[20:10] Freedom of religion

[20:11] is the same for everybody.

[20:12] Everybody has to be treated

[20:13] fairly and equally.

[20:14] Look,

Dan McCoy

[20:15] you're the mayor

[20:16] of everyone in your town.

[20:17] You should represent

[20:18] all people.

[20:19] And the mayor is like,

Elliott Kalan

[20:20] we just want the freedom

[20:21] to celebrate Christmas

[20:23] forever,

[20:24] all the time,

[20:25] everywhere with everybody.

[20:27] And there's a great part

[20:28] where,

[20:28] oh,

[20:29] another thing they keep

[20:29] pointing out is,

[20:30] you know,

[20:31] Christmas is a federal holiday.

[20:33] They're trying to stop us

[20:34] from celebrating

[20:34] a federal holiday

[20:35] signed in by Ulysses S. Grant.

[20:37] U.S. Grant?

[20:39] U.S. Grant.

[20:39] The president who literally

[20:40] has the same initials

[20:42] as our country?

[20:42] But those weren't even

[20:43] his real initials.

[20:44] His name was

[20:44] Hiram Ulysses Grant.

[20:45] No.

[20:46] Anyway,

[20:46] it's a transcription error

[20:48] when he entered West Point.

[20:49] But anyway,

[20:49] that's besides the point.

[20:51] What I like is that

[20:52] they have a clip

[20:53] from the O'Reilly Factor

[20:54] where O'Reilly says this.

[20:55] It's a federal holiday

[20:56] signed into law

[20:58] by Ulysses,

[20:58] by U.S. Grant.

[20:59] And then during the credits

[21:00] at the end,

[21:00] it says,

[21:01] special appearance

[21:03] by Bill O'Reilly.

[21:04] It's like,

[21:04] no,

[21:05] you just used a clip

[21:05] from his show.

[21:06] Like,

[21:07] that's not a special appearance.

Stuart Wellington

[21:08] Yeah,

[21:08] that's like playing

[21:09] a Beatles song

[21:09] and being like,

[21:11] by Paul McCartney.

[21:12] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[21:12] exactly.

[21:12] Now,

[21:13] Bill O'Reilly showed up

[21:14] and sang

[21:14] Little Drummer Boy

[21:15] with David Bowie.

[21:17] That would be a fucking

[21:18] by Bill O'Reilly.

[21:19] Yeah,

[21:20] so wait,

[21:20] is this on

[21:21] David Bowie's

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] Christmas special?

[21:22] He's passing along

[21:23] the tradition

[21:24] he picked up

[21:24] from Bing Crosby?

[21:25] You and I,

Dan McCoy

[21:28] Bill,

[21:28] we're going to sing

Elliott Kalan

[21:31] a little drummer boy.

Dan McCoy

[21:34] That was him

Elliott Kalan

[21:34] with David Bowie

[21:37] with a call.

[21:39] Yeah,

[21:39] he's one of the

[21:40] Peanuts adults.

[21:44] So anyway,

[21:45] they keep saying that

[21:47] and it's a,

[21:48] this is,

[21:48] okay,

[21:48] let's just get this straight.

[21:49] I hope everybody's

[21:50] listening in the Flophouse

[21:51] who's fighting the war

[21:52] on Christmas.

[21:53] Federal holiday

[21:53] basically just means

[21:54] a day people can

[21:55] take off from work

[21:56] if they work

[21:57] for the federal government.

[21:57] It doesn't mean

[21:58] the government

[21:59] officially recognizes this

[22:00] as the birth of the Lord.

[22:01] It just means

[22:02] because so many people

[22:03] celebrate it,

[22:04] we're not going to

[22:05] work this day.

[22:06] But they seem to mean

[22:07] that by making,

[22:07] they seem to think

[22:08] that by making it

[22:09] a federal holiday

[22:09] it means this is a day

[22:11] for everybody.

[22:11] This is a pretty serious

[22:12] rap session we're having here.

[22:13] Look,

[22:13] I'm just trying to,

[22:14] I'm just dropping knowledge

[22:15] on people.

[22:15] I'm just dropping knowledge

[22:16] about how federal holidays work.

[22:17] Shouldn't you be sitting

[22:18] backwards last year?

[22:19] How do you know I'm not?

[22:20] It's the radio.

[22:22] Well.

Stuart Wellington

[22:22] Kids,

[22:22] turn your hats around.

[22:24] Take out that

[22:25] cigarette and put in

[22:26] some gum.

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] Wait,

[22:27] hold on.

[22:28] What?

[22:28] Now take the gum out,

[22:29] that's rude while you're

[22:30] in class.

[22:31] Put in a carrot.

[22:32] It's good for your teeth.

[22:33] And your eyesight.

[22:35] Okay,

[22:35] now take out that carrot,

[22:37] put in a candy bar.

[22:38] Tastes better,

[22:38] doesn't it?

[22:39] Who gives a shit

[22:40] if it's bad for you?

[22:40] It tastes good,

[22:41] right?

Stuart Wellington

[22:42] Pull out your

[22:42] Trapper Keepers

[22:43] and put in

[22:44] get one of those

[22:44] squiggle writing pens.

[22:46] And put in your retainer

Dan McCoy

[22:47] because your Trapper Keepers

[22:48] should not be in your mouth.

[22:49] Now pull out

[22:50] your

[22:50] textbook

[22:52] and turn to page 83.

[22:55] I want answers

[22:56] to all the questions

[22:57] by Monday.

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] Number one,

[22:59] who's Purvisoid number one?

[23:00] The answer is Dan McCoy.

[23:01] Number two.

[23:02] Signing homework already,

[23:03] that's kind of weird.

[23:03] We haven't even started

[23:04] the rap session.

[23:05] Why are you giving the answers?

[23:06] Oh,

[23:07] because I want them

[23:07] to pass the test, Dan.

[23:08] My salary depends on this.

[23:10] Look,

[23:11] we're just teaching to the test

[23:12] and if that means

[23:12] giving the answers.

[23:13] I understand.

[23:14] Anyway,

[23:14] so he keeps his crusade

[23:16] on Christmas

[23:17] and Fred Williamson

[23:18] is just kind of

[23:19] generally causing trouble

[23:20] by smoking cigars

[23:22] in hotel rooms

[23:23] and complaining

[23:24] to the town council.

[23:26] Which in the town,

[23:26] they put up the Christmas tree

[23:28] and there's a part

[23:30] where they throw

[23:31] a Christmas party

[23:32] and it's supposed to be

[23:33] in their own private home.

[23:34] The mayor and his wife

[23:35] throw the Christmas party.

[23:35] And the wife is like,

Dan McCoy

[23:37] oh,

[23:37] it's so good

[23:38] to send out

[23:39] invitations for this

[23:41] that say a Christmas party

[23:42] rather than a holiday party

[23:44] like we've been doing

[23:44] for so many years.

Stuart Wellington

[23:45] it's like she's had to

[23:45] pull the chains

[23:49] off her arms.

[23:50] It really feels like

[23:51] they wrote

[23:51] Harrison Bergeron.

Elliott Kalan

[23:52] In the first draft

[23:56] of this script,

[23:57] there must have been

[23:57] some kind of like

[23:58] Gestapo future

[23:59] dystopian police force

[24:01] that policed

[24:02] everyone's Christmases

[24:03] and then they were like,

[24:04] you know what,

[24:04] that's going to be

[24:05] too expensive.

[24:05] We'll just set it

[24:06] kind of nowadays

[24:07] but we'll keep

[24:07] most of the other stuff.

[24:09] So there are these scenes

[24:09] where people act as if

[24:11] they've been literally

[24:12] unable to privately

[24:13] celebrate Christmas

[24:14] in their homes

[24:15] which makes no sense.

[24:17] There's no law against that.

Stuart Wellington

[24:18] The Grand Bond mayor

[24:18] character was originally

[24:19] like the Arnold Schwarzenegger

[24:20] character in Total Recall

[24:22] I would imagine.

[24:23] And he's living in that.

[24:24] And he doesn't know

Elliott Kalan

[24:25] if he's dreaming

[24:26] this war on Christmas.

[24:26] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[24:27] If he really was

[24:28] a secret agent.

Stuart Wellington

[24:29] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[24:30] And instead of going to Mars

[24:31] he's going to Bethlehem.

[24:32] I see.

[24:33] The people need prayer.

[24:35] That's what he's saying

Elliott Kalan

[24:35] instead of people need prayer.

[24:36] There's a prostitute

Dan McCoy

[24:37] with three crosses

[24:38] instead of just two.

Elliott Kalan

[24:39] And there's a biker

[24:40] with a little biker

[24:41] in his belly

[24:41] who tells him

[24:43] he's got to start

[24:43] a revolution.

[24:44] We're actually not

[24:44] that far from that part.

[24:45] Yeah, that's similar.

Dan McCoy

[24:47] But for a while

[24:48] it looks like

[24:48] there's going to be

[24:49] no visitors

[24:51] for this holiday party.

[24:53] No guests.

Elliott Kalan

[24:54] And then

[24:54] one of the mayor's

[24:55] best friends

[24:56] shows up with

[24:56] what seems to be

[24:57] a crowd of homeless people

[24:58] and brings them in.

Dan McCoy

[25:00] To the mayor

[25:00] the richest man in town.

[25:02] And then

[25:02] an angel gets his wings.

[25:04] Yep.

[25:04] All these letters

[25:05] for Santa Claus.

[25:07] You know what?

[25:08] Yes, Virginia

[25:08] there is one.

Elliott Kalan

[25:09] Jack Skellington

[25:10] you did do a good job

[25:11] of delivering presents.

[25:13] Rudolph

Dan McCoy

[25:13] you can drive

[25:14] by sleigh tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] Herbie the love bug

[25:17] you're going bananas.

[25:18] Ernest

[25:18] stop making faces

[25:19] and keep delivering presents.

[25:21] It turns out

[25:22] it was Norman

[25:22] dressed as his mother.

Dan McCoy

[25:24] The Cranks

[25:24] are going to celebrate

[25:25] Christmas this year.

[25:26] The Croods

[25:27] are going to celebrate

[25:28] Christmas

[25:28] even though it's

[25:29] before Christ was born.

Elliott Kalan

[25:31] Literally BC.

Dan McCoy

[25:32] They never stop BC.

[25:33] BC comics.

[25:34] The Christian caveman comic.

Elliott Kalan

[25:36] It doesn't make any sense.

Stuart Wellington

[25:37] Don't worry

[25:38] characters from Bugs Life

[25:39] I'll stop eating you.

[25:41] What?

[25:43] You eat bugs?

[25:44] We were just saying

[25:46] stuff about movies.

[25:47] Didn't really make any sense

[25:49] what you just said.

Elliott Kalan

[25:50] Don't worry Fern Gully

[25:51] it turns out you're not

[25:52] the last rainforest.

Dan McCoy

[25:56] Don't worry Dragon

[25:57] it turns out you're not

[25:58] the last dragon.

Elliott Kalan

[26:01] He was though.

[26:02] He was.

[26:03] Hey everybody

[26:04] the Jedi's are returning.

[26:06] I wish that was

[26:07] the last line

[26:08] of Return of the Jedi.

Stuart Wellington

[26:12] And he holds up

[26:13] a crudely

[26:14] photoshopped

[26:15] newspaper

[26:15] that has a picture

[26:16] of Jedi's on it

[26:17] and ghosts.

[26:18] Just like how

[26:19] the mayor

Elliott Kalan

[26:20] holds

[26:20] and this holds up

[26:21] a newspaper

[26:21] where they've clearly

[26:22] just pasted a photograph

[26:23] of the actor

[26:24] playing the mayor

[26:24] onto a real newspaper.

[26:25] The best one

Stuart Wellington

[26:26] the mayor is looking

[26:26] at that newspaper

[26:27] kind of over his own face

[26:29] and then he lowers it

[26:30] but it's like his own face

[26:31] is being lowered.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] And someone says

[26:33] hey you're famous dude

[26:34] and he goes

[26:35] dude

[26:35] but they never explain

[26:36] why the hell

[26:37] he's in the newspaper.

[26:39] But anyway

[26:40] so while they're

[26:41] having the party

[26:41] somebody

[26:42] but we know

[26:42] it's Fred Williamson

[26:43] because we see his shoes

[26:44] uses a truck

[26:45] to literally

[26:47] pull down

[26:48] the Christmas tree

[26:48] in town

[26:49] and this is where

[26:50] what was a really

[26:51] boring movie

[26:51] so boring

[26:52] we haven't even

[26:53] gotten into

[26:53] the best subplot

[26:54] because there was

[26:55] so little of it

[26:55] we'll get to that.

[26:56] A really boring movie

[26:57] found a moment of magic

[26:58] because they decided

[26:59] this Christmas tree

[27:00] falling down

[27:01] is not spectacular enough.

[27:02] Let's use

[27:03] Adobe After Effects

[27:04] to add little

[27:06] explosions to it

[27:07] so that it looks

[27:08] like the Christmas tree

[27:09] lights are

[27:09] sparking and

[27:11] break exploding

[27:12] I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] Like miniature fireworks

[27:13] basically.

[27:14] Yeah it's like

[27:14] a screensaver

[27:15] got overlaid

Dan McCoy

[27:16] on top of the film.

[27:18] And then Fred Williamson

[27:19] boots

[27:20] tripling ornaments

[27:22] including the angel

[27:23] that was atop the tree.

Elliott Kalan

[27:24] It's literally

[27:24] the animation level

[27:26] of the opening credits

[27:27] of Night Court

[27:27] basically.

[27:29] And that color scheme.

[27:30] But anyway

[27:31] it's a little

[27:31] it's a beautiful

[27:32] little moment.

[27:33] Meanwhile

[27:33] there's a subplot

[27:34] going on

[27:35] we haven't even

[27:35] touched on.

[27:36] The school

[27:36] Christmas play

[27:37] it doesn't exist

[27:38] it's called

[27:38] The School

[27:39] Winter Space Play

[27:41] and it's about

[27:42] it's basically

[27:43] about aliens

[27:44] talking about

[27:44] how Christ

[27:45] is born on earth

[27:45] and it's a king

[27:46] that will accept

[27:47] all people.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] A very hammy

[27:49] very effete

[27:50] director.

[27:52] He's dressed like

Dan McCoy

[27:53] a Hecuba

[27:53] from Kids in the Hall.

Elliott Kalan

[27:54] And he seems to get

[27:55] gayer with every scene.

[27:56] Most of the film

[27:57] is just him

[27:58] sitting in a chair

[27:58] doing his best impression

[27:59] of Cam

[28:00] from Modern Family

[28:01] telling these kids

[28:02] how to act

[28:03] in this play.

[28:04] The kids

[28:04] don't like it

[28:05] that they're not

[28:05] being able to do

[28:05] Christmas stuff

[28:06] so they start

[28:06] a mission

[28:07] they call

[28:08] Operation Sabotage.

Dan McCoy

[28:10] Let's take a moment

[28:11] to say that

[28:11] the play that

[28:12] they're doing

[28:12] is a play

[28:13] about aliens

[28:14] but is a thinly

[28:15] veiled

[28:15] nativity

[28:17] Christ.

[28:17] It's not even thinly veiled

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] they say

[28:18] a king will be born

[28:20] on earth

[28:20] who will accept

[28:21] all people.

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:22] That's not even

[28:23] and then as told

[28:24] in the scrolls

[28:25] of Jupiter

[28:25] or something like that

[28:26] it's like

[28:26] basically what you're saying

[28:28] is aliens believe

[28:29] in Christ too

[28:30] which is if anything

[28:30] more Christian

[28:31] than a standard

[28:32] Christian play.

[28:33] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:33] It transcends

[28:35] all boundaries

[28:36] of planet

[28:36] Exactly.

[28:37] dimension.

[28:38] This isn't just

Dan McCoy

[28:38] an earth nativity.

[28:39] Just accept your

Dan McCoy

[28:39] fucking alien

[28:41] Jesus allegory.

Elliott Kalan

[28:42] All the planets

[28:43] bow towards

[28:44] the son of Galilee.

[28:45] That's what it's saying.

[28:46] But they think

[28:47] it's not Christian enough

[28:48] and I gotta tell you

[28:49] there's two great actors

[28:51] in this movie.

[28:51] One is the guy

[28:52] playing the theater director

[28:53] who hams the shit

[28:54] out of it

[28:54] and the other

[28:55] we'll get to later

[28:56] but let's just

[28:57] call him

[28:57] Cowboy Christ Ghost.

[29:00] Anyway

[29:00] he wanders around

[29:01] in the background

[29:02] until the end

[29:02] when he comes into play

[29:03] so we'll save him.

[29:04] But the kids decide

[29:06] they're going to

[29:07] save Christmas themselves

[29:08] by changing this play

[29:10] with Operation Sabotage

[29:11] and there's an excruciating

[29:12] scene where they meet

[29:14] in an attic

[29:14] and discuss what the name

[29:16] of their mission

[29:16] is gonna be.

Stuart Wellington

[29:17] Which for a moment

[29:17] I was excited

[29:18] because it reminded me

[29:19] of this Disney

[29:19] made for TV movie

[29:22] about kids rescuing dogs

[29:23] from Dog Pound.

[29:24] Parent Trap 3.

[29:26] But no

[29:27] they didn't save

[29:28] any puppies.

[29:29] Motel for dogs.

[29:30] The new Parent Trap?

[29:31] No it was none

[29:32] of those things.

[29:32] It had the guy

[29:33] who played the police chief

[29:35] at Masters of the Universe

[29:36] as the evil

[29:36] Dog Pound operator.

[29:38] The Shaggy Parent Trap.

Dan McCoy

[29:39] The Shaggy Parent Trap.

Stuart Wellington

[29:41] I think actually

[29:42] Dan's on to something

[29:42] I think it might have

[29:43] been the Shaggy Parent Trap.

[29:45] But who was Shaggy?

[29:46] The Trap or the Parents?

[29:47] No he was played

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] by Shaggy.

[29:49] The R&B artist.

[29:50] Nice.

Stuart Wellington

[29:50] The guy who wore

[29:51] a lot of

[29:51] what were those?

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] He just kept going

[29:53] it wasn't me.

[29:54] And then like

[29:55] winking at the audience.

[29:56] And then the police chief

[29:57] was like

[29:57] likely story Shaggy

[29:59] likely story

[30:00] take them away boys.

[30:02] Police Chief O'Mulligan?

[30:04] Yes.

[30:04] Police Chief Sauce O'Mulligan.

Stuart Wellington

[30:07] Patty O'Mulligan.

[30:07] And the ghost of

[30:08] Dean Jones

Dan McCoy

[30:09] showed up

[30:10] and said

[30:10] Merry Christmas

[30:11] to all of us.

[30:12] Okay wait

Stuart Wellington

[30:12] there's a ghost

[30:13] in this movie

Elliott Kalan

[30:14] I don't remember it at all.

[30:15] Okay it wasn't really

[30:16] a ghost.

[30:17] We'll get to it.

[30:18] So meanwhile

[30:19] the mayor

[30:20] is taking his stand

[30:21] and he decides

[30:23] that he's

[30:24] and there's a lot

[30:25] of stuff about

[30:25] the sacrifice

[30:27] his son made

[30:27] a big story

[30:28] comes out

[30:29] that the mayor

[30:29] is not actually

[30:30] a war hero

[30:31] which he always

[30:32] said he was

[30:32] which he clearly

[30:33] is since he has

[30:33] a fucking medal

[30:34] of honor

[30:34] in a box

[30:35] in his attic.

[30:36] He could have

[30:36] made that dude.

[30:37] With what?

Stuart Wellington

[30:38] His medal press?

[30:39] He's a sleeper agent.

Elliott Kalan

[30:45] Have you ever

[30:46] seen Homeland?

[30:47] I recommend it.

[30:47] He's a brainwashed

[30:48] Viet Cong.

[30:49] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:50] I don't want to

[30:51] set a time period

[30:52] to whichever war

[30:53] he was fighting in.

[30:54] I mean it's

[30:54] very clearly Vietnam.

[30:56] He's pretty much

[30:57] fighting in a deciduous

[30:58] forest Elliot

[30:58] in all the flashbacks.

[30:59] In the flashbacks

Elliott Kalan

[31:00] it does appear

[31:01] that most of

[31:02] the Vietnam War

[31:02] took place

[31:03] in a park

[31:04] in Connecticut.

[31:05] Like a dry creek bed

[31:06] somewhere.

[31:07] Somewhere in

[31:07] Pennsylvania

[31:08] or perhaps

[31:09] Kentucky.

[31:10] Whereas all of

Stuart Wellington

[31:11] his sons fighting

[31:12] takes place

[31:12] in some warehouse.

[31:13] In the same

Elliott Kalan

[31:14] dusty warehouse.

[31:15] And let me just

[31:15] tell you this.

[31:16] Dusty warehouse.

[31:17] Great artist

[31:17] from the 60s.

[31:18] Dusty warehouse.

[31:19] Oh his songs

[31:20] really got to the

[31:21] heart of what

[31:22] warehousing was like.

[31:25] Let me just tell you

[31:26] this.

[31:26] You're going to tell

[31:26] us your war stories.

[31:27] No I don't like

[31:28] to say that I have

[31:29] any sort of

[31:30] understanding about

[31:31] what it's like

[31:31] to be in a war.

[31:32] I spent six days

[31:34] in a war zone.

[31:36] Definitely not enough

[31:36] to really know

[31:37] what it's like.

[31:38] Not enough to feel

[31:38] the fear

[31:39] or the worry

[31:41] or the anxiety

[31:42] the excitement

[31:43] any of those things.

[31:44] But you were a master

[31:45] with a bowie knife.

[31:46] But I will

[31:47] well that was before

[31:48] that was before I left.

[31:49] Those were the special

[31:50] skills they needed

[31:50] and that I brought

[31:51] on the USO tour

[31:52] when I did my

[31:53] night missions

[31:54] which was doing

[31:55] bowie knife

[31:55] throwing tricks.

[31:57] You know by day

[31:57] it was comedy

[31:58] and by night

[31:58] it was all knife tricks.

[32:00] But let me just say

[32:01] it didn't feel like

[32:03] I spent most of the time

[32:04] inside of a dusty

[32:05] warehouse.

[32:05] But apparently

[32:06] that's where

[32:06] the entire

[32:07] war for freedom

[32:08] has been taking place.

[32:09] The dusty warehouse

[32:10] is an allegory

[32:11] Elliot.

[32:12] For what?

[32:14] The soul?

[32:15] The non-dusty warehouse.

[32:16] Yeah exactly.

[32:17] It's an allegory

[32:18] for a working warehouse.

Stuart Wellington

[32:21] But it's dusty

[32:23] because they have not

[32:24] accepted Jesus

[32:24] into their lives

[32:25] or Christmas.

[32:26] Oh I see.

Elliott Kalan

[32:28] Maybe I'm reading

[32:29] too much into it.

[32:30] So you're saying

[32:30] at the end

[32:31] when there's that

[32:31] shot of a clean

[32:32] warehouse.

[32:33] Yeah now you're

[32:34] getting it.

[32:34] There wasn't though.

[32:35] So there's a story

[32:36] that comes out in the

[32:37] paper that the mayor

[32:38] is not a war hero

[32:38] and it turns out

[32:40] that there's a mission

[32:41] he never told him about.

[32:42] He says that his job

[32:43] in Vietnam was

[32:44] leading a special unit

[32:46] that was rescuing

[32:47] POWs.

[32:48] So he's basically

[32:48] like a Chuck Norris

[32:49] Rambo type.

[32:50] Yeah man.

[32:52] But he talks about

[32:53] a mission he never

[32:53] told about where

[32:54] because he was

[32:55] pushing his men

[32:55] too hard

[32:56] he or one of them

[32:57] tripped a tripwire

[32:59] which triggered

[33:00] an ambush

[33:00] and his men

[33:01] got killed

[33:02] and he's never

[33:03] told anyone

[33:03] about that mission

[33:04] and it's like

[33:05] I guess that's a mistake

[33:06] and I can understand

[33:06] his guilt

[33:07] but it doesn't mean

[33:08] he's not still

[33:09] a war hero

[33:09] for all the

[33:10] war fighting he did

[33:11] like it's a weird

[33:12] thing to come out.

[33:13] Who found out

[33:13] this story all of a sudden?

[33:14] I assume anyone

[33:15] who looked in the

[33:16] public records

[33:17] of the US military

[33:18] like you have to do

[33:20] a report about

[33:20] basically every battle

[33:21] that you're in.

Dan McCoy

[33:21] It doesn't matter

[33:22] because he's been

[33:23] disgraced

[33:24] the town council

[33:25] has removed him

[33:26] from his duties.

[33:26] They literally fire

[33:27] an elected official.

[33:28] He got fired because

Stuart Wellington

[33:28] he's not a war hero.

[33:29] He does not have

[33:31] the strength

Elliott Kalan

[33:32] to lead them.

[33:32] It was just the last

[33:33] straw that broke

[33:34] the camel's back

[33:35] and that camel

[33:35] was in a nativity scene

[33:37] which was really bad.

[33:40] If it had been

[33:41] a regular secular camel

[33:42] we would not have

[33:42] had a problem

[33:43] but it was a nativity

[33:44] scene camel.

[33:46] It was a real

[33:47] Amal and the Night

[33:48] Visitors scenario.

[33:49] Anyway, so he's removed

[33:51] from office in what

[33:52] I can only call

[33:53] a municipal coup

[33:54] and he decides

[33:56] he's going to

Dan McCoy

[33:57] He strikes back

[33:57] the only way he can

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] by hoisting

[33:59] a giant cross

[34:00] to a private

[34:01] building front

[34:02] and he's single

[34:03] handedly doing it

[34:04] until his biker

[34:05] friends from the hyenas

[34:06] and his son Christian

[34:07] help him

[34:08] and this somehow

[34:09] is against the law

[34:10] and he's thrown in jail.

Stuart Wellington

[34:12] If he hadn't patched up

[34:13] that overweight biker

[34:15] from the stab wound

[34:16] that same overweight biker

[34:18] wouldn't have been able

[34:18] to help him

[34:19] hoist that cross.

Dan McCoy

[34:19] I mean that's good

[34:20] screenwriting.

[34:20] He's like the lion

[34:22] that Hercules

[34:23] pulled the thorn from.

[34:25] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[34:25] I think you've

Dan McCoy

[34:26] completed two different stories.

[34:28] He's like an apple tree

[34:29] that Johnny Appleton

[34:30] planted.

[34:31] He's like the goose

[34:32] that Pecos Bill

[34:33] gave a massage to.

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] No, you're totally

[34:36] getting all the stories wrong.

Dan McCoy

[34:40] He's like a monkey

[34:41] that Paul Bunyan

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] gave the gifts

[34:44] of the Magi.

[34:45] He's like the tortoise

[34:47] that raised the happy hooker.

[34:50] You're getting all

[34:50] the stories mixed up.

Dan McCoy

[34:53] He's like when

[34:53] Persephone

[34:55] gave Thor

[34:57] Excalibur.

[34:59] Nope.

Stuart Wellington

[35:00] All wrong.

[35:01] All wrong.

[35:02] Though you're drawing

[35:03] some interesting parallels

[35:04] between different

[35:05] mythologies, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[35:06] Let's touch on that.

[35:07] Let's put in on that.

[35:09] This comparative

[35:09] religions class

[35:10] is getting a little

[35:11] bit interesting.

[35:11] Yeah.

[35:12] Oh boy.

[35:13] The point is.

[35:14] I wish the Hercules story

[35:15] was about him

[35:15] befriending the lion

[35:16] rather than murdering it.

Stuart Wellington

[35:18] So you're saying

[35:18] the grandpa

[35:19] gets sent to jail

[35:21] and you're talking

[35:22] about magical figures.

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] Well, but first

[35:25] the grandpa gives

[35:25] a speech about freedom

[35:26] that lasts about

[35:27] four hours.

[35:29] It's very rousing

[35:30] and very wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[35:31] And it's captured

[35:32] on the front

[35:33] of the DVD box, right?

[35:35] I haven't seen that.

[35:36] Okay, I'll pull up

[35:36] the poster.

[35:37] Okay.

[35:38] It's not a chick's butt

[35:39] or anything awesome

[35:40] like past movie posters

[35:41] we've looked at.

[35:42] Yeah, like the

[35:42] fucking Dybbuk movie,

[35:43] whatever it was called.

[35:44] It would be amazing

Stuart Wellington

[35:44] if there was like

Elliott Kalan

[35:45] the cover for this movie,

[35:47] this family movie

[35:48] about saving Christmas

[35:49] was like a teen

[35:50] sex romp painting

[35:51] where like

[35:52] it's all there,

[35:53] it's like a

[35:54] Mort Drucker

[35:54] style thing

[35:55] or a Jack Davis

[35:56] style thing

[35:56] where they're all

[35:57] racing around

[35:57] the title

[35:58] and there's like

[35:59] a cheerleader

[36:00] with her top off

[36:01] that's running

[36:02] and the grandfather

[36:02] is chasing her

[36:03] and the grandson

[36:04] is running

[36:05] but there's like

[36:06] a big fat woman

[36:07] who's trying to kiss him.

[36:08] And he says

Dan McCoy

[36:08] the halls aren't

[36:09] the only thing

[36:09] that are going

[36:10] to get decked.

[36:11] Yeah, beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[36:12] Last ounce of courage.

[36:14] Spring break.

[36:15] Yeah, exactly.

[36:16] Last ounce of spring break.

[36:18] But anyway,

[36:18] he gives the speech,

[36:19] he gets arrested

[36:19] I guess for speech giving

[36:20] and cross putting upping

[36:21] which are crimes

[36:23] in Obama's America.

[36:24] Exactly.

[36:24] Or it's the future

[36:25] so I guess

[36:25] Hillary Clinton's America?

[36:26] Future crimes.

[36:27] You better watch out

[36:29] Ed 209's gonna fucking

[36:30] blast him.

[36:31] You've been found

[36:31] guilty of future crimes.

[36:34] So says time judge

[36:35] Judy.

[36:37] Anyway,

[36:38] so the

[36:39] he gets thrown in jail

[36:40] but the movie's

[36:42] not over yet

[36:42] there's still

[36:43] Operation Sabotage

[36:44] to go through

[36:44] and in jail

[36:46] he gets to hear

[36:47] his grandson's

[36:48] Christmas play

[36:49] because

[36:49] a helpful cowboy angel

[36:51] in the form of a

[36:53] white long

[36:54] a white haired

[36:54] long haired cowboy

[36:55] with a beard

[36:56] has a magic

[36:57] radio

[36:58] which allows

[36:58] him to hear

[36:59] what's going on

[37:00] within the

[37:00] school auditorium.

Stuart Wellington

[37:02] He looks like

[37:02] an old good guy

[37:03] version of The Undertaker

[37:04] from WWE.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] Yeah,

[37:06] yeah,

[37:06] or like those

[37:06] evil Edgar Winter

[37:07] Brothers

[37:07] from that one

[37:08] Jonah X comic.

[37:09] Was that

[37:09] Riders of the Worm

[37:10] and such?

[37:11] Yeah,

[37:11] that's right.

[37:12] so he's like

[37:14] Willie Nelson

[37:15] and The Undertaker

[37:16] combined into one guy.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] He's a Sam Neill

[37:18] from Big Lebowski

[37:20] Jesus.

[37:20] Exactly,

Stuart Wellington

[37:21] very much so.

[37:22] Or Sam Elliott

[37:23] because of his

[37:23] Sam Neill

[37:24] Sam Elliott

[37:24] from the Skull.

[37:26] Sam Neill

[37:26] in the director's cut

Elliott Kalan

[37:27] where he's playing

[37:28] his character

[37:28] Alan Grant

[37:29] from Jurassic Park

[37:30] and he just looks

Dan McCoy

[37:32] Sam Neill

[37:32] from Sirens

[37:33] sort of character.

[37:34] So Sam Neill

[37:35] painting a bunch

[37:35] of naked

[37:36] Australian ladies.

Elliott Kalan

[37:37] Sam Neill

[37:37] in the Omen 3

[37:38] Dominion

[37:39] or whatever that

[37:40] was called.

Dan McCoy

[37:40] Oh boy.

[37:42] Oh.

[37:43] Go!

[37:44] A real

[37:45] Thunderbolt Ross type.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] Sam Neill

[37:48] I know you're listening.

[37:49] I'm apologizing

[37:50] for Dan

[37:51] for getting you

[37:51] confused with Sam Elliott.

[37:52] Yes,

[37:53] thank you.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] You're very different people.

[37:54] I apologize to Sam Elliott

[37:55] for getting you

[37:56] confused with Sam Neill.

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] And I apologize

[37:57] to Sam the Eagle

[37:58] for not being mentioned

[37:59] in this bit.

[38:00] We'll get to you later,

[38:00] bud.

[38:01] Okay,

[38:02] so Operation Sabotage

[38:03] goes off without a hitch.

[38:04] This involves one

[38:05] literally forcing

[38:07] the gay director

[38:09] into and then

[38:10] trapping him

[38:10] in a closet

[38:11] which is a metaphor

[38:12] I don't know

[38:13] that the filmmakers

[38:13] were going for

[38:14] but it does seem

[38:15] like what they're

[38:17] saying is

[38:17] it's very imperative

[38:18] for us to save

[38:19] Christmas by forcing

[38:20] gay people into

[38:20] closets.

[38:21] Then they take off

[38:23] their alien robe

[38:24] costumes and their

[38:25] angel costumes

[38:26] and wise men costumes.

[38:27] They tell the story

[38:28] of Christmas and

[38:29] sing Silent Night.

[38:31] And then Christian

[38:32] for some reason

[38:32] decides to project

[38:34] his father's last

[38:35] video on a big screen

[38:36] which literally ends

[38:37] with his father

[38:38] dying in an explosion

[38:39] which asks two

[38:39] questions.

[38:40] One,

[38:41] how did his

[38:41] camcorder survive

[38:42] that explosion?

[38:43] And two,

[38:44] home editing software

[38:47] is so cheap

[38:48] and available.

[38:48] Why did you not

[38:49] edit out the

[38:49] gruesome death

[38:50] of your father

[38:51] before projecting

[38:52] it in front of

[38:53] the entire town

[38:53] phone?

Stuart Wellington

[38:54] Well,

[38:54] he's a teenage

[38:55] filmmaker,

[38:56] you know,

[38:56] he's into the

[38:57] shock,

[38:57] the gore effects.

[38:58] Oh,

Elliott Kalan

[38:59] so you're saying

[38:59] it was a real

[39:00] cry for attention.

[39:01] Yeah,

[39:01] exactly.

[39:03] So,

[39:03] it wins everybody

[39:05] over,

[39:05] they all come

[39:06] out,

[39:06] the mayor is

[39:07] released from

[39:08] jail on bail,

[39:09] I assume.

[39:10] They'll hum,

[39:11] hark the

[39:11] herald angels sing.

[39:12] They sing it

[39:13] and the mayor

[39:14] sees cowboy

[39:16] Jesus,

[39:17] saint of killers,

[39:18] just walk away

[39:19] from the crowd

[39:19] and literally fade

[39:21] away in white

[39:22] light.

[39:22] So it was,

[39:23] this movie had

[39:24] no supernatural

[39:25] elements until the

[39:25] very end.

[39:26] And the only way

[39:27] it could have

[39:28] gotten better is if

[39:28] Fred Williamson had

[39:29] then disappeared in a

[39:30] puff of brimstone.

[39:31] You won again,

[39:33] son of man.

[39:35] I'll go back to my

[39:36] lair.

[39:36] But secular humanism

[39:37] will have its day.

Stuart Wellington

[39:38] Presumably this movie

[39:39] is made for people

[39:40] that are strongly

[39:42] followed the

[39:43] Christian faith.

[39:44] And if I was one

[39:44] of those people,

[39:45] I would be offended

[39:46] if I had dedicated

[39:47] my life to upholding

[39:48] the virtues and the

[39:49] beliefs of Christian

[39:51] faith,

[39:52] only to see a movie

[39:53] where a biker

[39:55] mayor guy who

[39:56] saves Christmas

[39:57] is visited by a

[39:58] fucking angel

[39:59] from God.

[40:00] Wait,

[40:00] wait,

[40:00] but aren't you

[40:01] going to be so

[40:02] excited to see

Elliott Kalan

[40:03] that your God,

[40:04] it turns out,

[40:04] is kind of a

[40:05] cool hippie cowboy?

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] I guess I might

[40:07] be excited if I

[40:08] was like,

[40:09] hey,

[40:09] yeah,

[40:09] I've dedicated

[40:10] my life to

[40:10] Christianity.

[40:11] I've seen that

[40:11] guy all the

[40:12] time.

[40:13] He shows up

[40:13] all the time.

[40:14] I'm glad they

[40:14] finally caught

[40:15] him for a movie,

[40:16] telling the truth.

[40:17] Instead,

[40:18] I'm assuming,

[40:19] I could be wrong,

[40:20] but a lot of

[40:20] people don't see

[40:21] that.

Elliott Kalan

[40:23] I mean,

[40:23] speaking as

[40:24] someone who is

[40:24] not a Christian,

[40:26] the portrayal of

[40:28] Christianity didn't

[40:28] bother me because

[40:29] whatever,

[40:29] I don't have a

[40:30] stake in that.

[40:31] it did bug me

[40:32] just that,

[40:33] just the assumption

[40:34] that like,

[40:35] look,

[40:36] I,

[40:36] like,

[40:37] the important

[40:37] thing about

[40:38] freedom is that

[40:38] I get to do

[40:39] whatever I want

[40:40] all the time,

[40:41] no matter what

[40:41] anybody else wants.

[40:42] It's this weird

[40:43] kind of selfish

[40:44] sort of freedom.

Dan McCoy

[40:45] this bothered me,

[40:47] and we talked about

[40:47] it during the movie

[40:48] where like,

[40:48] we should talk

[40:49] about the quality

[40:49] of the film too,

[40:50] which was very poor.

[40:51] But the kid,

[40:51] the kid was like,

Elliott Kalan

[40:52] this is not the

[40:53] MSNBC podcast.

[40:55] The whole point of the movie

[40:56] was like the kid

[40:57] being like,

Dan McCoy

[40:59] what did my dad die for?

[41:01] What freedom did he die for?

[41:02] And it's just like,

[41:03] well,

[41:03] your dad died fighting

[41:05] for the United States

[41:07] of America,

[41:08] which as one of its

[41:09] founding principles

[41:10] separates church and stage.

Elliott Kalan

[41:11] Literally,

[41:12] one of the first ones.

[41:13] One of the two first ones.

[41:16] It's very strange.

[41:16] Well,

[41:17] Dan,

[41:17] actually,

[41:17] that phrase,

[41:19] separation of church and state,

[41:20] a wall between church and state,

[41:21] only appears in a letter

[41:23] by Thomas Jefferson

[41:24] that's not in the Constitution.

[41:25] Okay.

[41:26] All right.

[41:27] All right,

[41:27] history house.

[41:28] He's free to have

Stuart Wellington

[41:28] that awesome haircut

[41:29] that he has.

[41:30] Yeah, yeah.

[41:31] Able to wear that weird

[41:32] upside down cross pendant

[41:33] he's wearing

[41:33] at the end of the movie.

[41:34] The kid wears a cross

Elliott Kalan

[41:35] where the top and the bottom

[41:36] are almost equal size,

[41:37] so it looks like

[41:38] it's upside down

[41:38] and I guess he's a Satanist.

[41:40] He's totally a Satanist.

Stuart Wellington

[41:41] But he wants that freedom,

[41:43] you know,

[41:44] who knows?

[41:44] But I think we could

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] all overlook this

[41:46] if the movie was

[41:47] of a high quality

[41:48] because speaking for myself

[41:50] as someone who has

[41:50] no religious connection

[41:52] with the Christian faith,

[41:53] I often find myself

[41:54] moved by

[41:55] Christian works of art

[41:56] that are of a very high quality

[41:58] or of a high caliber

[41:59] or speak to a real human emotion

[42:01] and this does none

[42:03] of those things.

Dan McCoy

[42:04] Or even pop

[42:06] Christian works of art

[42:07] of high caliber

[42:08] such as your

[42:09] Charlie Brown's Christmases.

[42:10] Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[42:12] But this, yeah,

[42:13] this is a terribly made movie.

[42:14] It's so,

Elliott Kalan

[42:16] and really it's so cheap,

[42:18] like just amateurish

[42:19] in a lot of ways,

[42:21] but I think my favorite ways

[42:22] that it's amateurish

[42:23] are the,

[42:26] well, I don't know

[42:28] if I can choose.

[42:29] There's the bad acting,

[42:30] which is really bad.

[42:32] There's the bad editing

[42:33] where you just suddenly

[42:34] get a shot of

[42:34] something random.

Stuart Wellington

[42:36] All of a sudden

[42:36] you're now in the bathroom

[42:37] where two characters

[42:38] are having a conversation

[42:39] and you're like,

[42:40] how'd they get there?

Elliott Kalan

[42:41] Do you follow them in?

[42:42] There's a,

[42:42] it's the first day of school

[42:43] for a young Christian

[42:44] because he moved to town

[42:46] like the day before

[42:47] school started

[42:48] and it's literally

[42:49] a shot of the outside

[42:50] of the school

[42:50] then like half a second

[42:52] of a hallway

[42:52] where two girls are talking

[42:53] and then instantly

[42:54] we're in gym class

[42:55] and it was like,

[42:55] why did we just see

[42:56] that shot of the hall?

[42:57] Like just to prove

[42:58] this was a school

[42:58] with more than one room?

[42:59] I don't understand.

[43:01] Why are we seeing

[43:02] flashback overlaid

[43:03] on flashback

[43:04] overlaid on flashback

[43:05] over here?

[43:06] Is it to hide the fact

[43:07] that the Vietnam sequences

[43:08] were shot in a public park

[43:09] of some kind?

Stuart Wellington

[43:10] Well, I do like

[43:11] the subplot

[43:13] that we didn't touch on

[43:13] of the widow of...

[43:17] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[43:18] There's another,

[43:18] there's a romantic subplot.

Stuart Wellington

[43:19] Yeah, the widow

[43:20] who is, I guess,

[43:21] having a brief romance

[43:22] with her...

[43:24] A brief encounter.

Elliott Kalan

[43:26] It's Christian's mother

[43:27] who doesn't age a day

[43:29] in that 14 years.

[43:30] No, she looks amazing.

[43:31] She looks great.

[43:32] She's a total...

[43:33] It's like the Bratz.

[43:34] Like the Bratz not aging.

[43:36] She's a total milf.

[43:36] She smeared her face

[43:37] with Bratz juice.

[43:38] She's a total milf.

[43:39] Mother I'd like

[43:40] to have faith with.

[43:42] She spears stuff

[43:44] with Bratz juice.

[43:44] So where was that?

[43:45] Saliva or blood or what?

[43:46] Yeah, that she crushed her.

[43:47] Do you just take a brat

[43:48] and just grind it up?

[43:50] Mortar and pestle

Dan McCoy

[43:51] and rubs the slurry over...

[43:54] Just smashing Jade's face

[43:55] with a mortar

Elliott Kalan

[43:56] until she can rub it

[43:57] on her skin

[43:58] to be eternally youthful.

[43:59] It's much...

[43:59] It's like the dumpling story

[44:01] in Three Extremes.

Stuart Wellington

[44:02] It's that kind of chemistry

[44:04] that Jade would appreciate.

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] There's a romantic subplot here.

Stuart Wellington

[44:08] Jade would like

[44:08] the science of it.

[44:09] I like the romantic subplot

[44:11] and how...

[44:12] As you pointed out, Dan,

[44:13] how awkward and crappy

[44:15] the flirting is.

Elliott Kalan

[44:16] She's falling in love slowly

[44:18] with her husband's best friend

[44:20] who's now a police officer.

[44:22] Dan, you made the point

[44:23] that flirting might be the thing

[44:25] that bad movies fuck up the most.

Dan McCoy

[44:27] Yeah.

[44:27] Everyone seems so awkward

[44:28] and so weird when they flirt.

[44:32] And it seems like that should be something...

[44:33] Unlike normal flirting,

Stuart Wellington

[44:34] when I do it,

[44:36] it's totally natural.

[44:37] Super smooth as silk.

Dan McCoy

[44:38] Exactly.

[44:39] Yeah.

[44:39] It's like oil poured onto set.

[44:41] Well, when Stuart does it...

[44:42] Women's hair sometimes catches flame.

Elliott Kalan

[44:44] It's so potent.

[44:45] The women sometimes

[44:46] don't even know what happened.

[44:47] It just feels like normal conversation

[44:48] and Stuart winks and walks away.

[44:49] And the women are like,

[44:50] Oh my God, I'm in love

[44:52] and I didn't even realize it.

Dan McCoy

[44:53] And then the next day

[44:54] they wake up in Stuart's bed

[44:56] Wait, I went to bed in my bed.

[44:58] And Stuart's like,

Elliott Kalan

[44:59] Yes, well, I have a ladder.

[45:00] Exactly.

[45:01] And you have a second floor window.

[45:03] That's kind of creepy.

Stuart Wellington

[45:04] Then I give Nemo a high five

[45:06] for transporting them

[45:07] in his flying bed.

Elliott Kalan

[45:09] Nemo from Slumberland?

[45:10] Yeah.

[45:11] Or Nemo the fish?

Stuart Wellington

[45:12] Captain Nemo.

[45:13] Oh, Captain...

[45:14] His flying bed, the Nautilus.

Elliott Kalan

[45:19] Nautilus.

[45:20] So, yeah, that's...

[45:21] It ferries them over.

[45:23] That's powerful.

[45:23] But it's easy to tell...

Dan McCoy

[45:24] Like a charon of sex.

[45:26] Like, it's easy to tell

[45:27] how wrong it is

[45:27] just because it's an experience

[45:29] that we've all had in life

[45:31] of, like, talking to someone

[45:32] who you're interested in,

[45:34] but, like...

Elliott Kalan

[45:34] And you're kind of

[45:35] testing the waters,

[45:36] but you're being playful

[45:36] and you're realizing

[45:37] there's an attraction there.

Dan McCoy

[45:38] But as you said, Elliot,

[45:39] it's also a subtle interaction.

[45:41] So if you're a bad screenwriter,

[45:43] you can't...

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] It's a very subtle

[45:44] and a very delicate thing

[45:45] and hard to do in real life.

[45:47] So, like,

[45:47] I can understand why

[45:48] it would be hard

[45:48] to get on the page,

[45:49] but when you're a bad writer,

[45:50] especially,

[45:51] when you can't even write

[45:52] a rousing speech about freedom,

[45:54] maybe the single easiest thing

[45:56] to write a rousing speech about,

[45:57] I don't expect you to

[45:59] be able to write down

[46:01] the delicate interplay

[46:02] between a widow

[46:03] and her dead husband's best friend

[46:05] as you find your mutual attraction

[46:08] at the basketball court.

Dan McCoy

[46:10] All right, so we've been going

[46:11] for a while.

[46:12] We should just move on

[46:13] to our final judgments.

[46:14] This is a good bad movie,

[46:15] a bad, bad movie,

[46:16] or a movie you kind of liked.

[46:17] Elliot, what do you have to say?

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] It's a bad, bad movie.

[46:19] It offended me

[46:20] on a political level,

[46:21] not because I'm a liberal,

[46:22] but because I have

[46:24] certain feelings

[46:24] about America's

[46:25] basic core values

[46:27] that this movie doesn't share.

[46:28] Yeah, you're not American.

[46:29] You're a communist.

[46:30] Yeah, yeah,

[46:30] because I'm a total

[46:31] commie pinko

[46:31] who believes

[46:32] that I don't...

[46:33] Not to live on three...

[46:33] Believe in golems and dibbicks.

[46:35] ...who doesn't want

[46:35] to have Christmas

[46:36] shoved down my throat

[46:37] as it has been

[46:38] for every year of my life

[46:39] on this godforsaken planet.

[46:41] Anyway...

Dan McCoy

[46:42] No, God blessed planet Elliot.

[46:44] God blessed planet Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[46:46] Yeah, there's a little thing

[46:47] called War and Hunger, Dan.

[46:49] All right.

[46:49] Look into it.

[46:50] I think you'll like it.

[46:51] I don't think so.

[46:52] But it's just poorly made

[46:53] and this made Fireproof

[46:55] look like a really good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[46:57] Which we actually talked

[46:58] about Fireproof,

[46:59] which we watched recently

[47:00] for the show.

[47:00] Where it was like,

Elliott Kalan

[47:01] Fireproof was just dumb

[47:02] and silly,

[47:03] whereas this is like

[47:04] wrong on a basic level.

[47:06] Where Fireproof was about

[47:07] one man using religion

[47:08] in his private life,

[47:10] which is totally okay,

[47:11] and this was about

[47:12] the need for religion

[47:13] to be a part of our government,

[47:15] which was not.

Stuart Wellington

[47:15] So what you're trying to say

[47:16] is Fireproof,

[47:17] good, good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:18] No.

[47:19] What I'm saying is

[47:20] the private quality of that

[47:22] and Kirk Cameron's

[47:23] stunning performance

[47:24] really lifted that one,

[47:25] whereas Mayor Bob,

[47:27] the pharmacist

[47:28] who sews up

[47:29] stabbed bikers,

[47:30] did not really carry

[47:31] this movie.

[47:32] What do you think, Stu?

Stuart Wellington

[47:34] Normally I would say

[47:35] it's a good,

[47:36] great movie

[47:36] because it features

[47:37] a magical ghost

[47:38] that disappears at the end

[47:39] when his job is done.

[47:40] Sure.

[47:41] But no, Elliot's right.

[47:43] I mean,

[47:43] as much fun as I watch kids

[47:46] coming up with plans

[47:46] to sabotage the play,

[47:49] a couple of Kimmy Gibblers

[47:50] hanging out.

[47:53] Yeah, it's not very good.

[47:54] And I don't recommend

[47:56] anybody watching it ever.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] Like, I don't even think

[47:58] people who agree

[47:58] with the message

[47:59] of the movie

[47:59] would enjoy this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[48:00] No, that's the thing.

[48:01] Like, it would make me

[48:02] even more offended

[48:03] if I agreed with the message

[48:04] because it's so crappily done.

[48:06] Yeah.

[48:06] It makes me feel dumb

[48:07] by association.

Elliott Kalan

[48:08] Like, they should just

[48:08] go watch It's a Wonderful Life again

[48:10] or like RoboCop.

[48:11] What do you think, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[48:11] I'm going to give it

[48:12] a bit of a good, bad movie

[48:14] because like...

[48:14] Ugh.

Elliott Kalan

[48:15] You keep giving them

[48:17] good bads.

Dan McCoy

[48:18] No, I don't.

[48:18] But like, this is...

[48:19] We watch so many movies

[48:21] thanks to our particular purview

[48:23] as a podcast

[48:25] that are just mediocre.

[48:27] This is a movie

[48:28] that is incompetent.

Elliott Kalan

[48:30] The curse.

[48:31] Yeah, it is incompetent.

Dan McCoy

[48:32] And I laughed more

[48:34] at the stupidity

[48:35] of this movie

[48:36] than I normally do.

[48:38] I also got angry

[48:38] at some of the political views.

Elliott Kalan

[48:40] It made me angrier

[48:41] than I like a good,

[48:42] bad movie to make me.

Dan McCoy

[48:42] Yeah, that's the one thing...

Elliott Kalan

[48:44] You swayed me on Food Fight.

[48:45] I don't think you're going

[48:46] to sway me

[48:46] on Last Ounce of Courage.

[48:48] But if there was

[48:49] more disappearing ghosts,

[48:50] if there was more crappy

[48:51] Christmas ornament

[48:52] special effects,

[48:53] I would have been

[48:54] all over this.

Stuart Wellington

[48:54] I would actually argue

[48:55] that part of what makes

[48:57] a good, bad movie

[48:58] is that you kind of...

[48:59] It doesn't actually remind you

[49:01] of anything in the real world.

[49:02] It's kind of disposable escape.

[49:04] Yeah.

[49:04] And I feel this just makes me mad.

[49:06] And I think you guys

[49:07] should feel that way too

[49:08] since your day job

[49:10] deals with this shit so much.

Elliott Kalan

[49:11] Well, I think that's

[49:12] part of the problem.

[49:13] If I was not as exposed

[49:14] to this at work,

[49:16] this type of like

[49:17] War on Christmas stuff,

[49:18] I think maybe it wouldn't

[49:19] have made me so mad,

[49:19] but watching it

[49:20] made me feel like

[49:21] I was at work.

Dan McCoy

[49:22] Ellie's been exposed.

[49:23] We've got to quarantine.

[49:24] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[49:25] To Christmas disease.

[49:28] Ho, ho, ho, guys.

[49:29] Oh, no.

[49:30] I'm manifesting the symptoms.

[49:32] Should we...

Dan McCoy

[49:33] Before we...

[49:34] Yeah, before we get into the letters...

[49:35] Before I sing my song.

[49:36] We should thank

[49:36] the AV Club.

[49:39] At the Onion.

[49:40] Well, I mean,

[49:41] I feel like there's...

[49:42] Enough of a...

[49:44] Here we go again.

[49:45] Independent energy.

Elliott Kalan

[49:46] I just wanted people to know

[49:47] it wasn't the AV Club

[49:48] at like George Washington High School.

[49:50] Yeah, we want to fucking...

[49:51] Although we thank them too.

[49:51] Thank our local high school's AV Club

Dan McCoy

[49:54] for giving us

[49:55] these great microphones.

[49:57] But also,

[49:58] thank the Onion AV Club.

[49:59] I think they're separate

Elliott Kalan

[50:00] from the Onion, Dan.

[50:01] We don't need to mention that.

[50:02] God damn you.

[50:03] So we want to thank

[50:04] the Onion AV Club

[50:05] for a big honor

[50:06] they bestowed upon us.

Dan McCoy

[50:07] Yeah, we got the

[50:07] fifth best podcast

[50:09] of 2013.

[50:10] Tied for fifth best.

Elliott Kalan

[50:11] We tied for fifth with

[50:12] the Bugle.

[50:12] That's something called

[50:13] the Bugle.

[50:13] But here's the thing.

[50:14] Who cares about that thing?

[50:15] Am I right, guys?

[50:16] It meant a lot to me

[50:18] partly because

[50:19] the AV Club

[50:21] has been a real champion

[50:22] of us for a while now

[50:24] but also because

[50:25] everyone else

[50:26] for the most part

[50:27] on the list

[50:27] and especially

[50:27] five and up

[50:28] were much bigger names

[50:30] than us.

[50:30] We were tied with

[50:31] the Bugle

[50:31] which stars

[50:32] some English guy

[50:34] from television.

[50:35] Right above us

[50:35] was Dan Savage's podcast.

[50:37] Above that was

[50:38] Mark Maron's podcast.

[50:40] These are podcasts

[50:41] by name people

[50:42] that have much

[50:43] bigger profiles

[50:43] so to be in that company

[50:44] was quite inspiring.

[50:46] They're great podcasts.

[50:47] And they're great podcasts.

[50:48] That's true.

Stuart Wellington

[50:49] Everything on the list

[50:50] is a great podcast.

[50:50] Yeah.

[50:51] Especially a podcast

[50:52] called the Flophouse Podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[50:54] Check it out.

[50:55] Tied for fifth

[50:55] should have been first.

[50:58] Yeah, so thank you.

[50:59] Yeah, thanks very much

[51:00] AV Club.

[51:01] And thank you, Dan

[51:02] for being a friend.

[51:04] And thank you, Stuart.

[51:05] Hey, guys.

[51:06] Aren't you going to thank me

[51:06] for anything?

[51:07] No.

[51:08] I'm going to thank

[51:09] what Dan's about to read

Stuart Wellington

[51:12] which is a letter.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] So, um...

[51:15] Thank you, letter.

[51:16] It's titled

[51:17] Scary Stuff.

[51:21] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[51:24] It's not scary stuff.

[51:26] It's stuff instead.

[51:27] Oh, boy.

[51:27] But what is stuff?

[51:28] Let's find out

[51:30] what stuff is.

[51:32] It's stuff the stuff

[51:33] that's under your bed.

[51:36] that's on top of your head.

[51:39] inside of the dead.

[51:41] We'll never know

[51:43] just where it goes.

[51:46] It's stuff.

[51:47] It's stuff.

[51:48] What is this stuff?

[51:49] Stuff.

[51:50] It's off.

[51:51] Give it a stop.

[51:53] Stop it around.

[51:55] Stop it in town.

[51:56] Stop it upside down.

[51:58] It's stuff.

[51:59] Brought to you by

[52:00] Dan McCoy's

[52:01] stupid mouth

[52:01] that can't say things right.

Stuart Wellington

[52:04] Beware the warlock

[52:06] and his scary stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[52:09] Right.

[52:10] Okay.

[52:11] I am stuff.

[52:12] The spirit that eats dreams.

[52:14] This letter

[52:15] is titled

[52:17] Arr, Captain Stuff here.

[52:19] The letter's titled

[52:20] We get it.

[52:20] Scary Stuff

Dan McCoy

[52:22] and not scary movies.

[52:25] Hey, damn Stuart Elliott.

[52:27] Yesterday, I caught the...

Elliott Kalan

[52:28] That's us if we were one organism.

[52:29] Yesterday, I caught the...

[52:30] A human centipede,

[52:31] if you will.

[52:32] I call metal.

[52:34] No.

[52:34] Wait, I mean dance metal.

[52:36] Wait, what?

[52:36] Dance metal.

[52:37] Not metal.

[52:37] I'm touching my notes.

Dan McCoy

[52:38] Yesterday, I caught the second half

[52:40] of the sci-fi comedy romp

[52:42] Inner Space on TV,

[52:43] which I have not seen

[52:45] since I was a child

[52:46] where it aired

[52:46] pretty much every Sunday

[52:47] on Comedy Central.

[52:49] I still enjoyed the film

[52:50] and was pleased to recognize

[52:51] a pre-Voyager's

[52:52] Dr. Robert Picardo

[52:54] as the flamboyant

[52:55] illicit technology dealer

[52:56] The Cowboy.

[52:57] Yeah, he's in a lot of stuff.

[52:59] But when I was watching it,

[53:00] I was anxiously awaiting

[53:01] the one scene

[53:02] in this goofball

[53:03] Martin Short

[53:04] Dennis Quaid vehicle

[53:06] that scared the living shit

[53:07] out of me as a child.

[53:09] In the climax of the film,

[53:10] the main bad guy's

[53:11] robot-armed heavy

[53:12] also invades

[53:13] Martin Short's inner space

[53:15] and dukes it out

[53:16] with Dennis Quaid

[53:17] in the lungs

[53:17] and at the top of the stomach.

[53:19] The Heavy is defeated

[53:20] when he and Dennis Quaid

[53:21] fall into a churning sea

[53:23] of stomach acid

[53:23] as he had to eject

[53:25] from his super goofy

[53:26] looking exosuit

[53:27] and was unprotected

[53:28] from intestinal juices.

[53:30] After the plunge,

[53:30] you get a...

Elliott Kalan

[53:31] Do you think any of that stuff

[53:31] was in the first draft

[53:32] of Inner Space?

[53:33] At what point did

[53:34] robot henchman exosuit

[53:36] get into this movie?

Dan McCoy

[53:37] After the plunge,

[53:38] you get a brief glimpse

[53:39] of the Heavy's

[53:39] melting faceless body

[53:41] bumping up against

[53:42] D. Quaid's sub's windows.

[53:44] This scared the ever-living

[53:45] shit out of me

[53:46] when I was a child.

[53:47] When I first saw this,

[53:48] I had to run out of the room

[53:49] and sit outside

[53:50] trying to get the horrifying image

[53:51] of a gory, disintegrating body

[53:53] out of my mind.

[53:54] So I ask you,

[53:55] what non-horror,

[53:57] non-gory films

[53:58] have you seen

[53:58] as a child or otherwise

[53:59] that have an out-of-place,

[54:01] super scary,

[54:01] or horrible moment in them

[54:03] that made a terrible impact

[54:04] on you?

[54:05] keep on flop,

[54:06] flippity,

[54:07] flop, flop, flop,

[54:07] wormy, ding-dong,

[54:08] flop, whatever.

[54:09] Alex's last name was held.

[54:11] That was a lot of times.

Stuart Wellington

[54:11] I think I'm going to answer

[54:12] for everybody

[54:13] and say the beginning

[54:14] of Ghostbusters

[54:15] totally fucking freaked me out.

Elliott Kalan

[54:17] That wasn't what I was going to say,

[54:18] but it totally did.

[54:19] There were two moments

[54:20] in Ghostbusters

[54:20] that freaked me out.

[54:20] When I saw Ghostbusters

Stuart Wellington

[54:21] in the theater,

[54:22] my mother covered my eyes

[54:23] and just told me

[54:24] it looked like Skeletor.

[54:25] You know,

[54:26] to put it into reference for me.

[54:27] Put it into context.

Elliott Kalan

[54:28] That moment in Ghostbusters

[54:29] and also the cab driver ghost

[54:31] at the end

[54:32] when they release

[54:33] all the ghosts from the...

[54:34] It's like a horrible

[54:35] rotting zombie.

[54:35] It looks like

[54:36] the Crypt Keeper, basically.

Stuart Wellington

[54:37] But like way fatter

[54:38] and grosser.

[54:39] And grosser.

[54:39] And more graphic.

[54:40] I think we talked about this.

Elliott Kalan

[54:41] You did.

[54:41] And I found it very gross.

[54:42] Yeah, Crypt Keeper's brother.

[54:43] We got into that.

[54:44] But for me,

[54:45] maybe I speak for you guys too,

[54:46] maybe not,

[54:47] when I say two words,

[54:48] Large Marge.

[54:49] There's a certain moment in...

[54:50] We've never ever talked about

[54:52] Large Marge on this podcast.

[54:52] A certain moment

[54:53] in Pee-wee's Big Adventure

[54:54] that I think we did talk about

[54:55] where it's like

[54:56] totally goofy to look at now,

[54:57] but as a kid,

[54:58] totally scarified me.

[55:01] Yeah.

[55:01] And I think it was just

[55:01] the suddenness of it.

[55:03] And because I just saw something

[55:05] and it covered my eyes,

[55:06] I didn't know how goofy it looked

[55:08] until I was older.

Stuart Wellington

[55:09] When I was a kid,

[55:10] my mother showed me

[55:10] a lot of movies

[55:11] that I probably shouldn't have seen.

[55:13] She thought I would...

[55:14] Yeah, she thought I'd love RoboCop,

[55:16] which I did.

[55:17] How old were you

[55:17] when you saw RoboCop?

[55:19] It was just out on VHS.

[55:21] 50 years old.

[55:22] Kids had that shit up.

[55:24] Because that's when I saw it too.

Elliott Kalan

[55:25] And I remember...

Stuart Wellington

[55:25] And the bit where the guy gets all...

[55:27] Well, that part was awesome.

[55:28] ED-209.

[55:29] That's what got me.

[55:30] And the bit where

[55:30] the guy gets all melty

[55:32] with the acid

[55:32] and then RoboCop

[55:33] just runs him right over

[55:34] and his head pops off.

[55:35] Even as a kid,

[55:35] I was totally freaked out.

Elliott Kalan

[55:36] The guy who gets his chest

[55:39] blown the fuck up

[55:40] by ED-209

[55:41] in the beginning

[55:41] with all the gunshots,

[55:42] that...

[55:43] I covered my eyes.

[55:44] But the guy with the...

Stuart Wellington

[55:45] That stuck with me

[55:46] because now I never want to work

[55:47] for a big corporation.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] Just for that reason.

[55:50] But the radioactive guy

[55:51] who gets plastered,

[55:52] by that point in the movie,

[55:53] I was like,

[55:53] yeah, come on,

[55:54] more stuff.

[55:55] Get that guy out of here.

Dan McCoy

[55:56] The thing that occurs to me,

[55:58] and this is meant to be creepy,

[55:59] but it's in a non-horror movie film,

[56:01] which is in Temple of Doom

[56:03] when they go through

[56:04] the fucking tunnel of bugs.

[56:06] Oh.

[56:07] That was totally scare balls

[56:08] for me when I was a kid.

[56:08] See, what scared me

Elliott Kalan

[56:09] in Temple of Doom as a kid

[56:10] was the eyeball

[56:11] coming up out of the soup.

[56:12] Yeah, sure.

[56:12] That was really gross to me now.

[56:14] Yeah, it's such a great scene.

Stuart Wellington

[56:15] The scene where they

[56:16] just do a bunch of exposition

[56:18] and show a bunch of gross shit.

Dan McCoy

[56:20] It is basically...

[56:21] Maybe you won't notice

[56:22] that this is all exposition

[56:23] if we have a bunch

[56:24] of gross food for you.

Elliott Kalan

[56:25] It is the movie equivalent

[56:27] of going to a haunted house,

[56:30] but someone is giving you directions

[56:31] on how to drive home

[56:32] from the haunted house

[56:33] while you're at the haunted house.

[56:34] So it's like,

[56:35] then you take a left

[56:36] at the gas station,

[56:37] here's some witch's hair,

[56:39] and stick your hand

[56:39] into some spaghetti.

[56:41] Then you're gonna go

[56:41] about five miles.

[56:42] Why is his hair

[56:43] so thick and wet?

[56:45] She never washed it.

[56:47] Or maybe she just washed it.

Dan McCoy

[56:52] Most witches know

[56:53] that you should only wash your hair

[56:54] every other day.

Elliott Kalan

[56:56] And here is a bowl of brains.

[56:58] Will these feel like tomatoes?

[56:59] They're small brains

[57:00] from tiny people.

Dan McCoy

[57:03] This nest letter is titled...

[57:05] Nest letter, huh?

[57:06] It's a letter in a nest?

Elliott Kalan

[57:07] Did a bird write it?

[57:09] Tweet, tweet, dear Flophouse.

[57:11] Oh, boy.

[57:11] Can you find me shiny objects

[57:12] to decorate

[57:13] so I can attract a mate?

Dan McCoy

[57:14] It goes like this.

[57:15] I'll regurgitate food

Elliott Kalan

[57:16] into your mouth.

[57:17] Love a bird.

Dan McCoy

[57:19] Titled,

[57:19] Mr. Wellington,

[57:20] I presume.

[57:21] It goes like this.

[57:23] Spotlight's on me, guys.

[57:23] I just got a fancy new pair

[57:25] of high-quality earbuds,

[57:27] and boy howdy,

[57:27] the frequency,

[57:28] response,

[57:29] and overall audio quality

[57:30] is that much better

[57:31] than that cheap jack junk

[57:33] from Singapore

[57:33] I was using before,

[57:35] which sounds like

[57:35] I was talking about heroin.

[57:36] I'm not, of course.

[57:37] Everyone knows

[57:38] that Singapore junk

[57:38] is decidedly not cheap.

[57:40] Anyway,

[57:41] I did notice

[57:41] that I can hear

[57:42] a lot more ambient noise

[57:43] on podcasts,

[57:44] most notably yours,

[57:46] and what I noticed

[57:46] was that I,

[57:47] what I initially thought

[57:48] was the clinging of ice

[57:49] in a glass.

[57:50] Then I realized

[57:50] that you all

[57:51] are much too professional

[57:52] to drink

[57:53] during your highly intellectual

[57:54] discussions of world cinema.

Elliott Kalan

[57:56] Stuart hears

[57:56] as he literally grips

[57:57] a giant mug

[57:58] full of a brown liquid.

Dan McCoy

[58:01] It must be Stuart

[58:02] in moments of elevated

[58:03] emotional distress,

[58:05] uh,

[58:05] accidentally losing

[58:06] his eyelid grip

[58:07] on his monocle,

[58:08] causing it to clatter down

[58:09] onto the waterfall

[58:10] crystal bottom

[58:11] of the glass bottom boat

[58:12] from which you record

[58:14] each episode.

[58:15] That, my friend,

[58:16] says sheer class.

[58:17] Cheers, Rob,

[58:18] last name withheld.

[58:19] Rob, you're exactly right.

[58:21] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[58:22] My wig flips up

[58:23] off of my head

[58:24] and the monocle

[58:25] falls out of my eyeball.

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] Your dickie curls up

[58:28] in shock.

[58:30] And we all remember

[58:31] Stuart's classic phrase,

[58:32] why I never,

[58:34] as he rips his own

[58:35] ding-dong off

[58:36] in dismay.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] The ding-dong

[58:38] in this case

[58:39] is clearly the side

[58:40] of the dean

[58:40] of a popular university.

Dan McCoy

[58:43] We all remember

[58:45] all the classic

[58:46] two-reelers

[58:47] that Stuart did

[58:48] back in the golden days.

[58:50] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[58:50] As elegant welligans.

Elliott Kalan

[58:53] The rich guy

[58:55] who's always being surprised.

[58:57] And his sidekick,

[58:58] Dirty Dan McCoy.

[59:00] The lovable roustabout

[59:01] who's always trying

[59:02] to catch a glimpse

[59:03] of other men's

[59:04] wife's bottoms.

[59:04] And for fuck's sake,

[59:05] can't pronounce words.

[59:07] It's a good thing

[59:07] they were silent films.

[59:08] Oh, yeah, that is great.

[59:09] But on the title cards,

[59:10] the words were written

[59:11] incorrectly.

[59:12] So, Dan,

[59:12] what word are you

[59:12] going to mispronounce

[59:13] in this letter?

Dan McCoy

[59:13] All right, well,

[59:14] this letter is titled,

[59:16] Those with non-debilitating

[59:17] leg injuries

[59:18] need your sympathy

[59:19] and respect.

Elliott Kalan

[59:20] Oh, that was pretty good.

[59:21] Hey, guys.

[59:21] I'm amazed you got that out.

Dan McCoy

[59:22] I'm amazed.

[59:23] I've heard a lot of talk

[59:24] on the podcast lately

[59:24] making light of Dan's knee injury.

[59:26] Dan is a good host

[59:27] and he's played along,

[59:29] but I believe

[59:29] that the jibes

[59:30] and mockery

[59:30] hurt him more

[59:31] than he lets on.

[59:32] I've been in a position

[59:33] and I know

[59:34] the hidden pain

[59:34] of leg injury

[59:35] that no one

[59:36] takes seriously.

[59:37] In 2008,

[59:38] my Special Forces team

[59:39] was leading

[59:39] 100 Afghan commandos.

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] Okay, let's just stop

[59:42] right there.

[59:43] Dan does not have

[59:44] any story that exciting.

[59:46] He was on a ski.

[59:47] But anyway,

[59:48] you were saying.

[59:48] Dan, we thank you

Dan McCoy

[59:48] for your service.

[59:50] On the slopes

[59:51] of Vermont.

[59:52] Commandos up a steep

[59:53] terraced ridgeline

[59:54] toward a hostile

[59:55] Taliban-controlled village.

[59:57] As the point man,

[59:58] my buddy John Wade

[59:59] and Walding

[1:00:00] entered the village.

[1:00:01] The entire valley

[1:00:02] opened up on us.

[1:00:04] Walding's knee

[1:00:04] was shot off.

[1:00:05] Oof.

[1:00:06] The bone and joint

[1:00:07] were blown away,

[1:00:08] but the bottom of his leg

[1:00:09] was still held on

[1:00:10] by muscle and skin.

[1:00:11] John took his lower leg

[1:00:12] and bent it up

[1:00:13] by his thigh,

[1:00:14] tying the limbs

[1:00:15] together with his belt.

[1:00:16] He used a tourniquet

[1:00:17] to stop the bleeding.

[1:00:18] In that situation,

[1:00:19] he then crawled back down

[1:00:20] 200 vertical feet

[1:00:21] of terraced rice fields.

[1:00:24] He has a robot leg now

[1:00:25] and he's fine.

[1:00:26] Don't worry about him.

[1:00:27] He's very used to

[1:00:28] getting attention

[1:00:28] and sympathy

[1:00:29] for his awesome story

[1:00:30] and badass injury.

[1:00:31] Here's my beef.

[1:00:33] At the same time,

[1:00:33] I was also shot

[1:00:34] through the leg,

[1:00:35] albeit a few inches

[1:00:36] lower in my calf.

[1:00:37] Does anyone give a shit?

[1:00:38] No.

[1:00:39] Walding gets all

[1:00:40] the leg injury blowjobs

[1:00:42] while I can't even

[1:00:42] complain about my leg pain

[1:00:43] without everyone

[1:00:44] calling me a pussy.

[1:00:45] That's true.

[1:00:46] Women love giving

[1:00:46] blowjobs to cyborgs.

[1:00:48] Dan, my minor leg injury brother,

[1:00:50] I stand with you.

[1:00:51] Our wounds may be

[1:00:52] bearable and highly treatable,

[1:00:53] but the mockery

[1:00:54] which an unfeeling populace

[1:00:56] heaps upon us

[1:00:56] can never be cured.

[1:00:59] Someday,

[1:00:59] all of the silent heroes

[1:01:00] of non-debilitating leg trauma

[1:01:01] will be able to show

[1:01:02] their faces in the sun.

[1:01:04] We will receive

[1:01:04] the accolades and sympathy

[1:01:05] which are deservedly ours.

[1:01:06] People will praise us

[1:01:07] not just for living

[1:01:08] with these wounds,

[1:01:09] but for overcoming

[1:01:10] the minor inconveniences

[1:01:11] of daily life.

[1:01:12] Anoances which,

[1:01:13] I'm sure Dan will agree,

[1:01:14] prove there's either no God

[1:01:16] or that he hates us all.

[1:01:17] Dan knows what I mean.

[1:01:18] Adjahar,

[1:01:19] last name withheld.

[1:01:20] All right,

[1:01:21] well,

[1:01:21] I get what you're

[1:01:22] laying down.

[1:01:22] No, no,

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:23] I get it.

[1:01:24] Dan,

[1:01:24] I've been wrong

[1:01:25] and I'd like to present you

[1:01:26] with a medal I'm calling

[1:01:26] the Purple Leg

[1:01:27] for people who won't

[1:01:28] stop complaining

[1:01:29] about their minor injuries.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:31] I think we should do,

[1:01:32] we should invite

[1:01:32] the author of that letter over,

[1:01:35] we should do a soccer game

[1:01:36] and the two of you guys

[1:01:37] will be on one team

[1:01:38] and Elliot and I

[1:01:39] will be on the other.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:39] And yet,

[1:01:40] Stuart and I

[1:01:40] will still lose somehow.

[1:01:42] Yeah, look,

[1:01:42] we shouldn't have put you

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:43] in goal, Elliot.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:45] I can't run,

[1:01:46] that's the only place

[1:01:47] I can be.

[1:01:48] I'm so tiny though.

[1:01:50] I get what you're

[1:01:50] laying down here

[1:01:51] but I still remind you

[1:01:52] of the old adage

[1:01:53] that comedy,

[1:01:57] or like tragedy

[1:01:58] is when I start

[1:01:58] to stub my toe,

[1:01:59] comedy is when you

[1:02:00] fall down a manhole

[1:02:01] and break your neck.

[1:02:02] Yep.

[1:02:03] The old Mel Brooks

[1:02:04] saying,

[1:02:04] mangled and mutilated

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:05] by a drunk Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:09] Yes,

[1:02:10] it's manageable

[1:02:11] but look,

[1:02:12] guys,

[1:02:13] why not,

[1:02:14] why not just have

[1:02:15] sympathy across the board

[1:02:16] for people who are hurt?

[1:02:17] No, that's a very good point.

[1:02:18] rather than stacking up

[1:02:20] injuries against some sort

[1:02:21] of injury death match.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:22] That's a very good point.

[1:02:23] I would counter though

[1:02:25] by saying there's

[1:02:25] a certain respect

[1:02:26] that comes to those

[1:02:27] who stoically bear

[1:02:28] their injuries

[1:02:28] without, you know,

[1:02:30] telling me about them

[1:02:30] all the time.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:32] On the other hand,

[1:02:33] you would be surprised

[1:02:35] at the brief amount

[1:02:37] of time that comes

[1:02:38] between sympathy

[1:02:39] and are you still

[1:02:41] talking about that?

[1:02:42] Good point,

[1:02:43] good point.

[1:02:43] Yet,

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] I would counter

[1:02:44] off by saying

[1:02:45] I see you a lot.

[1:02:46] And so...

[1:02:47] No,

[1:02:47] that's a fair point.

[1:02:49] I'll take that one.

[1:02:50] Thank you for writing in

[1:02:51] and I will say

[1:02:53] when Dan hurt his leg,

[1:02:54] I was very,

[1:02:55] very concerned

[1:02:56] and I still am

[1:02:57] to this day.

[1:02:58] but thank you so much

[1:02:59] for writing in

[1:03:01] and giving Dan

[1:03:02] the support he needs

[1:03:03] because his leg

[1:03:04] certainly isn't.

[1:03:04] Well,

[1:03:04] thank you.

[1:03:06] Kickstand McCoy?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:07] And I would say also...

[1:03:09] Maybe.

[1:03:10] Kickstand McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:11] Just trying on nicknames,

[1:03:12] dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:13] In a movie that

[1:03:13] callously,

[1:03:15] you know,

[1:03:16] took people's

[1:03:16] military service

[1:03:17] as a fucking

[1:03:19] tear-jerking

[1:03:20] nonsense shorthand.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:22] It's for a purpose

[1:03:22] that is unfair

[1:03:24] to the people

[1:03:24] who are actually serving.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:26] We appreciate

[1:03:27] hearing from someone

[1:03:28] who has actually

[1:03:29] had that experience

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:31] and has a crazy story

[1:03:33] about it.

[1:03:33] A crazy story.

[1:03:34] And also a story

[1:03:35] that inspired

[1:03:36] because of your mention

[1:03:37] of blowjobs

[1:03:38] for robot legs,

[1:03:39] my new porn movie,

[1:03:40] Roblo Cop,

[1:03:41] about a cyborg

[1:03:42] with a robot penis.

[1:03:44] The thing is,

[1:03:45] you don't want to give him

[1:03:46] a blowjob

[1:03:46] when it's really cold.

[1:03:47] When he says

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:48] your move,

[1:03:49] creep,

[1:03:49] you should probably

[1:03:49] change creep

[1:03:50] to something nicer

[1:03:51] for the woman.

[1:03:52] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:53] Like,

[1:03:53] your move,

[1:03:54] babe.

[1:03:55] That works better.

[1:03:56] But anyway,

[1:03:57] thank you so much

[1:03:58] for writing in.

[1:03:58] Yeah, yeah.

[1:03:59] And thanks to everyone

[1:04:00] who wrote in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:01] Yeah, thank you so much

[1:04:02] for coming in.

[1:04:03] Also,

[1:04:03] this is probably

[1:04:05] dirtier than we need to go.

[1:04:06] But at the end of Roblo Cop,

[1:04:10] when he defeats

[1:04:11] the bad guy,

[1:04:12] the boss goes,

[1:04:16] nice fucking son,

[1:04:17] what's your name?

[1:04:18] And he goes,

[1:04:18] Murphy,

[1:04:19] and then walks off.

[1:04:20] Yep.

[1:04:22] Slowly,

[1:04:23] because he's got

Dan McCoy

[1:04:23] a robot life.

[1:04:24] Yeah, yeah,

[1:04:24] very slowly.

[1:04:25] And he's getting blown.

[1:04:27] At the same time?

[1:04:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:29] I guess that explains

[1:04:30] how great he is.

[1:04:31] Directed by Paul Verblovin.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:33] So,

[1:04:33] this is the last segment

[1:04:35] on the show,

[1:04:36] and it is the segment

[1:04:36] where we recommend movies

[1:04:38] that we actually liked.

[1:04:42] Unlike,

[1:04:42] say,

[1:04:43] the movie we watched

[1:04:43] tonight,

[1:04:44] Last O.C.

[1:04:47] of Courage.

[1:04:50] Hey,

[1:04:50] for once,

[1:04:51] I'll go first.

[1:04:52] Okay.

[1:04:53] Is he gonna fucking

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:54] one-up us?

[1:04:55] He's gonna tell us

[1:04:56] some,

[1:04:56] well,

[1:04:56] I don't even know.

[1:04:57] I don't know.

[1:04:57] He's not gonna do

[1:04:58] the movie I want to do.

[1:04:59] Hey,

[1:04:59] let's sit back and watch.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:00] I'll recommend a movie

[1:05:01] that I actually recommended

[1:05:03] today on our

[1:05:05] Flophouse Facebook page.

[1:05:06] If you're not a member,

[1:05:07] why not go and join?

[1:05:08] Which is,

[1:05:09] Targets

[1:05:10] is on Netflix streaming now.

[1:05:12] Good movie.

[1:05:13] Is that Hard Target?

[1:05:14] No.

[1:05:14] It's the Peter Bogdanovich movie.

[1:05:17] His first movie,

[1:05:18] I believe.

[1:05:18] Is that right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:19] I think so.

[1:05:20] I think that's his

[1:05:20] directorial debut.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:22] And it was

[1:05:23] produced by

[1:05:24] Roger Corman

[1:05:25] and had the odd

[1:05:26] requirement

[1:05:28] that he had to use

[1:05:29] a bunch of unused footage

[1:05:30] from a Roger Corman

[1:05:31] production.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:32] He had to get it in

[1:05:33] under a certain amount

[1:05:33] of budget.

[1:05:34] He had Boris Karloff

[1:05:35] for two days,

[1:05:36] I think,

[1:05:36] and he had to use

[1:05:37] footage from

[1:05:37] another movie

[1:05:38] that Corman

[1:05:39] had been trying to make

[1:05:40] with Boris Karloff.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:41] And he cleverly did it

[1:05:42] by,

[1:05:43] it was sort of

[1:05:43] like a kind of

[1:05:45] a deconstruction

[1:05:45] of horror movies.

[1:05:46] He shows

[1:05:47] this like

[1:05:48] cheesy

[1:05:49] Corman-esque

[1:05:50] Boris Karloff

[1:05:52] horror movie

[1:05:53] and it's contrasted

[1:05:54] with the real life

[1:05:55] horror of this

[1:05:56] guy in Texas

[1:05:58] snapping for no reason

[1:06:00] that the movie

[1:06:01] particularly explains

[1:06:03] going up to

[1:06:04] a water tower

[1:06:05] and starting to

[1:06:05] shoot random people

[1:06:06] and it all comes down

[1:06:09] to kind of

[1:06:09] a showdown

[1:06:11] at a drive-in

[1:06:12] movie theater

[1:06:13] where this Karloff

[1:06:14] movie is playing.

[1:06:16] And Bogdanovich,

[1:06:17] you know,

[1:06:18] he's a guy who

[1:06:18] made some really

[1:06:19] great movies

[1:06:20] at the beginning

[1:06:21] of his career.

[1:06:26] Paper Moon.

[1:06:27] Paper Moon.

[1:06:27] This is the

[1:06:28] last picture show.

[1:06:29] Last picture show.

[1:06:31] But later on

[1:06:32] did not

[1:06:33] sort of fade it out

[1:06:35] a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:35] Well, he still does stuff,

[1:06:36] he never totally

[1:06:38] recovered from

[1:06:39] his fiancee

[1:06:40] getting murdered.

[1:06:41] And his career

[1:06:42] suffered for some

[1:06:43] bad projects.

[1:06:44] He did the

[1:06:44] Cat's Meow

[1:06:45] not that long ago.

[1:06:46] Which is not bad.

[1:06:47] It's pretty mediocre.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:48] I think I like it

[1:06:49] better than you.

[1:06:50] But, you know,

[1:06:52] he shows up on a lot

[1:06:53] of DVD commentaries.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:54] And he is now

[1:06:55] like the keeper

[1:06:56] of Orson Welles' flame.

[1:06:57] Anything about

[1:06:58] Orson Welles,

[1:06:59] you have to have

[1:06:59] Peter Bogdanovich

[1:07:00] come along and tell

[1:07:01] stories.

[1:07:01] Okay, so I've seen

[1:07:03] him speak in public

[1:07:04] more than once.

[1:07:05] And I saw him speak

[1:07:06] before a showing

[1:07:07] of Targets.

[1:07:08] And he was supposed

[1:07:09] to speak for about

[1:07:09] 15 minutes and he

[1:07:10] said he went on

[1:07:10] for about 45 minutes.

[1:07:12] And I think they

[1:07:12] had to possibly

[1:07:13] delay or maybe

[1:07:14] cancel a later

[1:07:15] showing of Targets

[1:07:16] because he went

[1:07:16] on so long.

[1:07:17] But he told a lot

[1:07:19] of stories where

[1:07:19] famous people told

[1:07:20] him how good he

[1:07:21] was at things.

[1:07:22] And he pulled a

[1:07:23] move that I thought

[1:07:23] was so amazing

[1:07:24] where he would say

[1:07:25] one last question

[1:07:26] and then he'd

[1:07:26] answer the question

[1:07:27] and before,

[1:07:28] there's that film

[1:07:29] forum,

[1:07:29] before the film

[1:07:30] forum representative

[1:07:30] would cut him

[1:07:30] off,

[1:07:31] he'd go,

[1:07:31] One last question

[1:07:32] again.

[1:07:33] So he's answered

[1:07:33] about 15 one last

[1:07:35] questions.

[1:07:35] Anyone have a

Dan McCoy

[1:07:36] question about

[1:07:36] where I get my

[1:07:37] ascots?

[1:07:37] Anybody?

[1:07:38] Anyone want to

[1:07:38] know?

[1:07:40] But it's a great

[1:07:40] movie.

[1:07:41] It's a fantastic

[1:07:41] movie.

[1:07:41] It's a great movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:42] And his great

[1:07:43] movies are really

[1:07:44] great.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:44] Yeah, no, he was

[1:07:45] a very great film

[1:07:46] director, at least

[1:07:47] at the beginning

[1:07:47] of his career,

[1:07:48] and Targets is

[1:07:49] one of his finest.

[1:07:51] So see it on

[1:07:52] Netflix Instant.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:54] Just drag it

[1:07:55] into your queue

[1:07:55] and click play.

[1:07:57] That's how it

[1:07:58] works.

[1:07:58] You don't even

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:58] have to drag it

[1:07:58] into your queue.

[1:07:59] And you don't

[1:08:00] drag them into

[1:08:00] your queue.

[1:08:01] You don't drag

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:01] them anymore?

[1:08:02] No.

[1:08:03] Okay, well, do

[1:08:04] whatever Ellie just

[1:08:05] said.

[1:08:05] I mean, just click

[1:08:06] play.

[1:08:07] Stuart, would you

[1:08:08] like to go next?

[1:08:09] Yeah, sure.

[1:08:10] I'm going to

[1:08:10] recommend a movie

[1:08:11] I watched this

[1:08:11] past weekend.

[1:08:13] It's the movie

[1:08:13] Stoker, directed

[1:08:15] by Park Chan-wook

[1:08:17] or Chan-wook, I

[1:08:18] don't know.

[1:08:18] The director,

[1:08:19] I don't know what

[1:08:19] country you're in.

[1:08:20] Yeah, Korean

[1:08:21] director who

[1:08:21] directed the

[1:08:22] Vengeance

[1:08:23] trilogy.

[1:08:24] He directed

[1:08:24] JSA Joint

[1:08:27] Security Area,

[1:08:28] which I

[1:08:29] recommended earlier

[1:08:29] in the podcast

[1:08:30] or on an

[1:08:32] earlier podcast.

[1:08:33] This was his

[1:08:34] American debut,

[1:08:36] which was

[1:08:38] interesting to

[1:08:38] watch after

[1:08:39] The Last Stand,

[1:08:41] which was also

[1:08:41] an American

[1:08:42] debut by a

[1:08:44] Korean director,

[1:08:45] the guy who

[1:08:46] directed Good,

[1:08:46] Bad, and

[1:08:46] Weird.

[1:08:47] But Stoker is

[1:08:49] kind of a

[1:08:50] gothic horror

[1:08:51] story about a

[1:08:53] young girl who's

[1:08:55] introverted.

[1:08:56] And just after

[1:08:57] her 18th birthday.

[1:08:58] She's kind of a

[1:08:58] Winona Ryder and

[1:08:59] Beetlejuice type.

[1:09:00] Yeah, exactly.

[1:09:00] One of those.

[1:09:01] A Lydia

[1:09:02] Dietz.

[1:09:03] A Lydia Lunch

[1:09:04] type.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:04] And it's loosely

[1:09:07] based on Shadow

[1:09:08] of a Doubt in a

[1:09:09] weird way.

[1:09:09] Or inspired by.

[1:09:10] Inspired by,

[1:09:11] I would say.

[1:09:11] Yeah, I think

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:12] it's a screenplay

[1:09:14] by Wentworth

[1:09:15] Miller from

[1:09:16] Mr.

[1:09:16] Prisoner.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:17] Break.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:17] Oh, I didn't

[1:09:18] realize that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:20] And her father

[1:09:22] passes away and

[1:09:23] a mysterious yet

[1:09:25] sexy uncle shows

[1:09:26] up.

[1:09:27] And the things I

[1:09:28] like about it are

[1:09:29] things that I

[1:09:30] wasn't surprised I

[1:09:31] liked about it.

[1:09:32] It's shot

[1:09:33] beautifully.

[1:09:34] It has some

[1:09:34] really interesting

[1:09:34] transitions from

[1:09:35] scenes.

[1:09:37] And the use of

[1:09:39] sound in the

[1:09:39] movie is really

[1:09:40] great.

[1:09:41] It both isolates

[1:09:42] you and also

[1:09:42] makes you feel

[1:09:43] very aware of

[1:09:44] the environment.

[1:09:45] So I really

[1:09:46] I really

[1:09:47] liked it.

[1:09:48] Stoker.

[1:09:49] Stoker.

[1:09:50] Rated R.

[1:09:52] Yeah, it was

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:52] Rated R.

[1:09:53] Is playing at

[1:09:54] your house.

[1:09:55] If you choose.

[1:09:58] Times.

[1:09:59] Whatever.

[1:10:01] Wow, it's pretty

[1:10:02] vague.

[1:10:03] I mean, there's

[1:10:04] no schedule

[1:10:05] printed up for

[1:10:05] your house.

[1:10:06] Whatever you

[1:10:06] want.

[1:10:07] What am I

[1:10:08] going to tell

[1:10:09] you what to

[1:10:09] do?

[1:10:09] Leave me alone.

[1:10:10] Make it your

[1:10:11] way right away

[1:10:12] at Burger King.

[1:10:14] So I'll

[1:10:15] recommend a movie

[1:10:15] as well.

[1:10:16] So I feel like

[1:10:17] Dan, you

[1:10:17] recommended a

[1:10:18] kind of late

[1:10:20] stage deconstruction

[1:10:21] of the horror

[1:10:21] movie.

[1:10:22] And Stuart,

[1:10:22] yours is kind

[1:10:23] of a play on

[1:10:24] other previous

[1:10:25] horror elements.

[1:10:26] Sure.

[1:10:27] Mine is a movie

[1:10:27] that also plays

[1:10:28] on pre-existing

[1:10:28] film elements.

[1:10:30] But not horror

[1:10:31] this time.

[1:10:31] With a title

[1:10:32] together.

[1:10:33] It's a theme

[1:10:33] week.

[1:10:34] I'd like to

[1:10:35] recommend a

[1:10:36] movie called

[1:10:36] My Name

[1:10:37] Is Nobody.

[1:10:38] My Name

[1:10:39] Is Earl.

[1:10:40] It's called

[1:10:40] My Name

[1:10:41] Is Earl.

[1:10:41] We were all

[1:10:42] thinking it,

[1:10:42] people.

[1:10:43] It's a television

[1:10:43] show about a

[1:10:44] crazy guy with

[1:10:45] some crazy

[1:10:46] problems.

[1:10:47] So My Name

[1:10:48] Is Nobody.

[1:10:48] It is a

[1:10:49] spaghetti western.

[1:10:50] That's a pretty

[1:10:50] good summary of

[1:10:50] My Name

[1:10:51] Is Earl,

[1:10:51] to be honest.

[1:10:52] Thank you.

[1:10:53] My Name

[1:10:54] Is Nobody,

[1:10:55] which is a

[1:10:55] spaghetti western,

[1:10:56] but it's a

[1:10:56] comedy spaghetti

[1:10:57] western.

[1:10:58] And the best

[1:10:59] of the ones

[1:10:59] I've seen

[1:11:00] of those,

[1:11:00] and it's

[1:11:01] one I've

[1:11:01] been meaning

[1:11:01] to see

[1:11:02] for a long

[1:11:02] time.

[1:11:03] It's very

[1:11:04] heavily Sergio

[1:11:05] Leone influenced

[1:11:07] and worked on,

[1:11:08] but he didn't

[1:11:09] direct it

[1:11:09] officially.

[1:11:10] He directed

[1:11:10] a few

[1:11:10] sequences in

[1:11:11] it.

[1:11:12] And there's

[1:11:12] a few

[1:11:12] sequences that

[1:11:13] stack up

[1:11:14] with just

[1:11:15] about any

[1:11:15] of his

[1:11:16] best work,

[1:11:16] I think,

[1:11:17] that very

[1:11:18] much bear

[1:11:18] his trademarks.

[1:11:19] There's a

[1:11:19] scene where

[1:11:19] the main

[1:11:20] character,

[1:11:21] Terrence Hill's

[1:11:22] character,

[1:11:22] Nobody,

[1:11:23] who's kind

[1:11:23] of a cunning

[1:11:24] gunman who

[1:11:26] acts like a

[1:11:28] kind of ignorant

[1:11:28] bumpkin to

[1:11:30] get people

[1:11:31] unawares.

[1:11:33] He has to

[1:11:34] drink and

[1:11:35] then shoot

[1:11:36] a series of

[1:11:37] drinks in

[1:11:37] smaller and

[1:11:38] smaller glasses,

[1:11:39] and the

[1:11:40] tension of it

[1:11:41] is drawn out

[1:11:41] very long in

[1:11:42] the way

[1:11:42] Leone liked

[1:11:43] to do in

[1:11:44] the sequences

[1:11:45] where he was

[1:11:46] really pouring

[1:11:47] a lot of his

[1:11:47] effort into.

[1:11:48] But the movie

[1:11:49] is all about

[1:11:50] nobody's quest

[1:11:51] to become

[1:11:53] friends with

[1:11:53] Henry Fonda,

[1:11:54] who is an

[1:11:55] aging,

[1:11:55] legendary

[1:11:56] gunslinger,

[1:11:56] and nobody

[1:11:58] has this

[1:11:58] dream of

[1:11:59] seeing him

[1:11:59] have a

[1:12:00] final battle

[1:12:01] worthy of

[1:12:01] his talent,

[1:12:02] which would

[1:12:02] be Henry

[1:12:03] Fonda

[1:12:03] against this

[1:12:04] group called

[1:12:04] the Wild

[1:12:05] Bunch,

[1:12:05] which is 150

[1:12:06] gunmen and

[1:12:07] outlaws,

[1:12:08] who seem to

[1:12:09] just ride their

[1:12:10] horses around the

[1:12:10] West,

[1:12:11] not really doing

[1:12:11] much of

[1:12:12] anything,

[1:12:12] but just

[1:12:13] constantly,

[1:12:13] ominously

[1:12:14] riding their

[1:12:14] horses around.

[1:12:15] Is it just

[1:12:15] the use of

[1:12:16] a lot of

[1:12:16] stock footage?

[1:12:17] No,

[1:12:17] no,

[1:12:17] it's very

[1:12:18] much footage

[1:12:18] that was

[1:12:18] shot for

[1:12:19] the film,

[1:12:19] and at

[1:12:20] the end,

[1:12:20] he does

[1:12:21] set up

[1:12:21] this showdown.

[1:12:23] It's a

[1:12:24] relatively big

[1:12:25] budget movie,

[1:12:26] or at least

[1:12:26] looks like it,

[1:12:27] and there's

[1:12:28] some comedy

[1:12:28] scenes that

[1:12:29] are not that

[1:12:30] good,

[1:12:31] but there are

[1:12:31] some comedy

[1:12:32] scenes that

[1:12:32] are very

[1:12:32] funny,

[1:12:33] and some

[1:12:34] good action

[1:12:34] scenes in

[1:12:35] it.

[1:12:35] There's

[1:12:35] a Neo

[1:12:35] Morconi

[1:12:36] score that

[1:12:36] ranges from

[1:12:37] great to

[1:12:39] ridiculously

[1:12:40] annoying,

[1:12:41] but even...

[1:12:42] I thought you

[1:12:42] were going to

[1:12:42] say great to

[1:12:43] ridiculously

[1:12:43] great.

[1:12:45] It's just a

[1:12:46] really fun

[1:12:47] movie,

[1:12:47] and I

[1:12:47] really enjoyed

[1:12:48] it.

[1:12:48] If you

[1:12:48] like

[1:12:48] Spaghetti

[1:12:48] Westerns

[1:12:49] and you

[1:12:49] haven't

[1:12:49] seen it,

[1:12:50] I think

[1:12:50] you'll enjoy

[1:12:51] it a lot.

[1:12:51] It plays

[1:12:52] with a lot

[1:12:52] of those

[1:12:52] elements and

[1:12:53] exists in

[1:12:53] this mythic

[1:12:55] fantasy West

[1:12:56] that never

[1:12:56] really existed,

[1:12:57] but they

[1:12:58] pull it off

[1:12:59] really well,

[1:13:00] and there's

[1:13:00] a lot of

[1:13:01] fun moments,

[1:13:02] and it'll

[1:13:03] leave a smile

[1:13:04] on your face

[1:13:04] if you like

[1:13:05] Spaghetti

[1:13:05] Westerns.

[1:13:06] And the song

[1:13:06] in your heart.

[1:13:07] And the song

[1:13:07] in your heart,

[1:13:08] which will be

[1:13:09] the annoying

[1:13:09] title theme,

[1:13:11] but there's

[1:13:12] some music in

[1:13:13] it that

[1:13:14] kind of

[1:13:15] functions as

[1:13:16] a reference

[1:13:16] to movies

[1:13:17] that hadn't

[1:13:17] been made

[1:13:18] yet.

[1:13:18] When the

[1:13:18] wild bunch

[1:13:19] is riding

[1:13:19] around,

[1:13:20] he injects

[1:13:21] a little bit

[1:13:21] of Ride

[1:13:22] of the Valkyrie

[1:13:22] into the

[1:13:23] song,

[1:13:23] and I was

[1:13:24] like,

[1:13:24] oh,

[1:13:24] like in

[1:13:25] Apocalypse

[1:13:25] Now,

[1:13:26] except this

[1:13:26] movie came

[1:13:26] out six

[1:13:27] years before

[1:13:27] Apocalypse

[1:13:28] Now,

[1:13:28] but like,

[1:13:29] it works

[1:13:29] even better

[1:13:30] as a joke

[1:13:31] to use that

[1:13:31] opera music

[1:13:32] for them

[1:13:32] because of

[1:13:32] a later

[1:13:33] movie,

[1:13:33] which I

[1:13:33] found just

[1:13:34] interesting.

[1:13:35] But that's

[1:13:36] not really

[1:13:36] has nothing

[1:13:36] to do with

[1:13:36] the movie.

[1:13:37] It's not

[1:13:37] like they

[1:13:37] were like,

[1:13:38] we'll use

[1:13:38] this song

[1:13:39] now because

[1:13:40] in six years

[1:13:41] it'll be an

[1:13:41] indelible part

[1:13:42] of an iconic

[1:13:42] scene.

[1:13:45] Work on the

[1:13:46] music,

[1:13:46] Ennio,

[1:13:46] we got a

[1:13:47] pizza to

[1:13:47] make.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:48] It's like

[1:13:49] Room 237,

[1:13:50] man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:51] Yep.

[1:13:51] So,

[1:13:52] My Name

[1:13:52] is Nobody.

[1:13:53] It's a fun

[1:13:53] little film.

[1:13:54] All right.

[1:13:54] Well,

Dan McCoy

[1:13:56] we should

[1:13:56] sign off

[1:13:57] so you

[1:13:57] don't have

[1:13:57] to listen

[1:13:58] to Stuart

[1:13:59] and me

[1:13:59] surreptitiously

[1:14:00] coughing off

[1:14:01] microphone

[1:14:01] since we

[1:14:02] both are

[1:14:03] recovering from

[1:14:03] colds.

[1:14:04] What Dan's

[1:14:04] trying to say

[1:14:05] is we're

[1:14:05] recovering from

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:06] colds.

[1:14:06] Yeah.

[1:14:06] Meanwhile,

[1:14:07] my immune

[1:14:07] system is

[1:14:08] super strong.

[1:14:09] Go fuck

[1:14:09] yourself.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:10] Exactly.

[1:14:11] Elliot only

[1:14:11] gets chipmunk

[1:14:12] diseases.

[1:14:13] What?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:14] I have to be

[1:14:15] kept away from

[1:14:15] chipmunks.

[1:14:15] He has to

[1:14:16] avoid small

[1:14:16] rodents.

[1:14:17] Unlike most

[1:14:18] people who

[1:14:19] seek out

[1:14:19] small rodents,

[1:14:20] I guess.

[1:14:21] He has

[1:14:21] rescue ranger

[1:14:22] syndrome.

[1:14:23] Yep,

[1:14:23] I got it

[1:14:24] when I had

[1:14:24] sex with

[1:14:25] Monterey

[1:14:25] Jack.

[1:14:28] Sure.

[1:14:29] The way I

[1:14:30] go too far

[1:14:30] somehow,

[1:14:31] when I

[1:14:31] talked about

[1:14:32] having sex

[1:14:32] with a

[1:14:32] cartoon house.

[1:14:33] A fondue

[1:14:33] party,

[1:14:34] kind of

[1:14:35] crazy.

[1:14:35] Fondue

[1:14:35] party.

[1:14:36] They like

[1:14:37] cheese.

[1:14:38] Monterey

[1:14:39] Jack is

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:39] obsessed with

[1:14:40] cheese.

[1:14:40] His mustaches

[1:14:41] go all

[1:14:42] crazy.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:43] We'll talk

[1:14:43] more about

[1:14:44] sex with

[1:14:44] mice off

[1:14:45] microphone.

[1:14:47] For now.

[1:14:47] It's like a

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:48] sanitizer liquid

[1:14:49] or something.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:49] For the

[1:14:50] Flophouse,

[1:14:50] I've been

[1:14:51] Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:52] I've been

[1:14:52] Stuart

[1:14:53] Wellington.

[1:14:53] And not

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:54] sick over

[1:14:54] here is

[1:14:55] Elliot

[1:14:55] Kalin.

[1:14:56] Goodbye,

[1:14:57] everyone.

[1:15:00] What are you

Dan McCoy

[1:15:10] guys up

[1:15:10] to?

[1:15:11] We're

[1:15:11] going to

[1:15:12] record this

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:14] thing?

[1:15:15] No,

[1:15:15] let's do

[1:15:15] a little bit

[1:15:16] of a

[1:15:17] friend

[1:15:19] friend

[1:15:19] catch up.

[1:15:20] No,

[1:15:21] thanks.

[1:15:21] Hey,

[1:15:21] congratulations

[1:15:22] on the

[1:15:22] AV club

[1:15:23] thing.

[1:15:23] That's crazy.

[1:15:24] It is.

[1:15:25] Oh,

[1:15:25] okay.

[1:15:25] We're

[1:15:26] going to

[1:15:26] talk.

[1:15:26] I don't

[1:15:27] want to

[1:15:27] talk about

[1:15:27] it.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:27] We'll

[1:15:29] just

[1:15:29] thank

[1:15:29] the

[1:15:29] be

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:29] like,

[1:15:29] it's

[1:15:30] just

[1:15:30] crazy

[1:15:30] that we

[1:15:31] weren't

[1:15:31] number

[1:15:31] one.

[1:15:32] It is

[1:15:32] assholes.

[1:15:33] Mic drop.

[1:15:34] Capone.

[1:15:36] I'm

[1:15:36] hilarious.

[1:15:37] You're

[1:15:37] not

[1:15:37] hilarious.

[1:15:38] I'm

[1:15:38] the best.

[1:15:38] See ya.

The Flop House: Episode #141 - Last Ounce of Courage

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