The Flop House: Episode #142 - Getaway

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss the movie that made Selena Gomez an action star.

[0:05] Get Away.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:35] So that was Dan McCoy, and I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] I'm Elliot Kalin, and I reintroduced those guys where they just said their names.

[0:41] And I'm Stuart Wellington, and this is...

[0:43] Dan McCoy.

[0:44] And I'm Elliot Kalin, and over there is...

Stuart Wellington

[0:46] This is the Stuart Wellington.

[0:50] The Stuart Wellington House.

[0:52] Stuart Wellington House. In the Stuart Wellington House, we watch a bad movie.

[0:55] It's a sitcom about Stuart Wellington raising three foster children.

Dan McCoy

[0:59] He's pretending that he's a gay man living with two hot babes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04] That's the only way I can get extra money from the government to pay for my pitbull collection.

[1:11] What?

[1:12] Your collection of pitbull CDs?

Elliott Kalan

[1:14] Rare pitbull CDs.

[1:16] Rare pitbull singles and B-sides.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19] Recorded at concerts across the US of A.

[1:22] Right off the mixing board.

[1:24] So, um...

[1:25] So the end.

[1:26] Normal.

[1:27] The end.

Dan McCoy

[1:27] Okay, see you later.

[1:29] It's done.

[1:29] So this is a podcast called the Flophouse.

[1:32] Flophouse.

[1:32] Yeah.

[1:33] Flophouse.

[1:34] Here's the thing.

[1:34] Rare at R.

[1:35] Normally...

[1:35] Podcast.

[1:36] ...is playing at...

[1:37] Here, in your ears.

[1:39] Flophouse.

[1:41] So...

[1:41] The end.

[1:42] This, uh...

[1:43] This normally would be the most wonderful time of the year.

[1:46] We would be celebrating Cagemas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:48] Now, yeah, it's December.

[1:50] Christmas is right around the corner, and Cagemas is, of course, all month long.

[1:53] Mm-hmm.

[1:53] But, uh, Dan, for some reason you were very adamant about not celebrating Cagemas.

[1:56] No, no, no, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] Here's the thing.

[1:58] There's a war on Cagemas, guys.

[2:00] Oh, my God.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] Who would we wage such a thing?

[2:02] It's the jolliest time of the year with the best hair.

[2:05] Yeah.

[2:05] And by best, I mean worse.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] I would be commenting on this, but I'm too busy gnashing my teeth together.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] Now, Dan, Cagemas is a time of year for all men of good faith and women to come together

[2:14] in peace and have terrible accents and stupid wigs.

[2:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:18] Celebrate the works of St. Nicholas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] Yeah.

[2:21] Who is best known for the miracle of still having a career.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] Here's the thing, though.

[2:28] The War on Cagemas, the liberal media has failed us by not releasing another Nicolas Cage movie

[2:35] that's good for the Flophouse.

[2:37] Surely there must be one.

[2:38] There was one.

[2:38] There's too many sheeple out there.

[2:39] There's literally, I looked over the IMDb page for Nicolas Cage, and we've literally done

[2:44] like the last ten Nicolas Cage movies.

[2:47] And the next one is Frozen Ground.

[2:51] Oh, yeah, Frozen, the Disney movie.

[2:52] It's supposed to be good.

[2:53] No, Frozen Ground.

[2:53] It's definitely not a flop.

Elliott Kalan

[2:54] Nicolas Cage is like a goofy snowman.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] It's with John Cusack, Frozen Ground.

[2:59] It seems like it should be great.

[3:01] Two Flophouse faves.

[3:02] Yeah.

[3:03] But Word on the Street.

Elliott Kalan

[3:03] It's like Paperboy meets, I don't know, a Nicolas Cage movie.

Dan McCoy

[3:08] Word on the Street, though, is that it's boring.

[3:10] Oh, the Flophouse is going to be.

Stuart Wellington

[3:12] Oh, that's the kiss of Flophouse, Dad.

[3:14] Our arch nemesis, Count Boredom.

[3:17] Instead of marrying.

[3:17] The evil Eastern European Count who's really boring.

[3:20] Okay, listeners, this is called a Flophouse aside.

[3:22] This is where I take you aside and explain that the Flophouse hates boring movies.

Dan McCoy

[3:26] This is where Stuart takes you aside and makes love to your ears.

Stuart Wellington

[3:31] Hey there, I have a cold so my voice sounds awesome.

[3:35] We hate boring movies.

[3:36] And that's why we didn't watch On Frozen Ground.

Elliott Kalan

[3:39] Unfortunately, we...

[3:40] And so we watched a really exciting movie tonight.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] Well, that's what I'm getting to.

[3:44] Instead of Merry Cagemas, we say hockey holidays to you.

[3:49] Hockey holidays because we watched Ethan Hawke.

[3:51] Because we watched Hudson Hawk?

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] We watched Lady Hawk?

[3:56] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:57] We watched Ethan Hawke's car movie.

[4:00] Howard the Hawk?

[4:01] The Getaway.

[4:02] Or just Getaway, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[4:03] It's just called Getaway.

[4:04] This movie was originally reported to be a remake of The Getaway, which had already been

[4:08] a remake of another movie called The Getaway.

[4:10] But no, it's just called Getaway.

[4:12] As in, get away from this movie.

[4:14] You will not enjoy it.

[4:16] But it's not related to The Getaway at all.

[4:18] It's just Getaway.

[4:19] It's not like an updating, like the way the Fast and the Furious sequel was called Fast

[4:23] and Furious.

[4:24] Or the way that the Godfather sequel was called Godfather.

[4:27] Or the way that, strangely enough, Jurassic Park sequel was called Jurassic the Park.

[4:32] Yeah, that's weird.

[4:33] That doesn't make any sense.

[4:34] And the sequel to Attack the Block was Attack Block.

[4:38] Well, that was extraneous.

[4:40] And the sequel to Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains was Lady and Gentlemen, Fabulous

[4:44] Stains.

[4:45] People hate the word the these days.

[4:48] Used to be necessary for every title.

[4:50] Now they don't want it.

[4:51] Howard the Duck sequel?

[4:52] Howard Duck.

[4:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[4:53] The popular band The The is now known as...

Elliott Kalan

[4:57] Yep, that's what they're called now.

[4:59] Yep.

[5:00] I wish you could see that Dan just froze with his mouth open for a couple seconds.

[5:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:05] Better for a visual medium.

[5:07] But anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[5:08] So I feel this is actually kind of in the spirit of Cagemas because Ethan Hawke is channeling

[5:13] his inner cage.

[5:15] He is very much so.

[5:16] By traveling to Eastern Europe for an adventure.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] He is a very good actor who is going to Eastern Europe.

Dan McCoy

[5:20] He is Bangkok dangerous in this role.

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] No, that's not Eastern Europe.

[5:23] Not at all.

[5:25] He is Bulgaria dangerous.

[5:26] Just like Nicolas Cage in Eastern Europe, he is Port of Call, New Orleans.

[5:31] Just like Nicolas Cage, yes, he is doing an action-adventure movie in Eastern Europe for probably most of

[5:39] the budget going to him personally.

[5:41] And is a very good actor wasting his talents on this.

Stuart Wellington

[5:45] And seems like an outlet for him to relive his classic car fetishism.

Dan McCoy

[5:50] Yeah, I mean, the thing is, like, I understand.

[5:52] Like, if I was a Hollywood actor, a guy...

[5:58] Okay.

[5:59] Now, what's your Hollywood name?

Elliott Kalan

[6:01] Like, Johnny Star?

[6:02] Mm-hmm.

[6:03] Chance Blasto?

Dan McCoy

[6:05] Yeah.

[6:06] If I was a Hollywood actor, Chance Blasto.

[6:09] And, you know, like, I was maybe a bit of a heartthrob in my youth.

[6:13] What about...

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] Yeah, that makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[6:15] Bicep Meat Slam.

[6:16] No.

[6:17] Your first name is Bicep.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] So he's an action star.

[6:19] I like Chance Blasto.

[6:21] Okay, Chance Blasto.

[6:22] But if I...

[6:22] The sci-fi porn star?

[6:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:25] But the thing is, like, I'm entering my middle age, you know, I'm getting gaunt.

[6:30] I'm getting...

Elliott Kalan

[6:31] You either get gaunt or puffy when you're a middle-aged actor.

[6:33] Yeah.

[6:33] Sure.

[6:34] Ethan Hawke is going gaunt.

Stuart Wellington

[6:35] Jeans don't quite fit the same as they used to.

[6:38] No.

[6:38] But I do.

Dan McCoy

[6:39] You're yellow out around the hips.

[6:40] You're wearing Dockers of a different size.

[6:43] And maybe I was a more serious actor, a more quirky actor in my youth.

[6:47] But now that I'm, you know, reaching middle age, now I want to recapture some of that, like, youthful vigor.

[6:55] And I want to do, like, a big action movie.

[6:57] And I understand.

[6:58] Well, I gotta say.

[6:59] I gotta say.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Slap a leather jacket on, Chance.

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:01] Put a...

[7:01] Put a leather jacket and a baseball cap on and ride around in the car.

[7:04] And blasto through Bulgaria.

[7:06] Bulgaria.

[7:06] And Sofia, Bulgaria.

[7:08] The only city that's so sharp-tongued that it deserved to bear the name of the best golden

[7:13] girl.

[7:14] The, uh...

Stuart Wellington

[7:15] You also have to grow a little beard.

Elliott Kalan

[7:18] Well, he's had a little beard for a long time.

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:20] Yeah, I know.

[7:21] That's a great little beard.

[7:22] Now, if I may have an aside, it's time for another episode of Elliot's Theater-Going

[7:26] Adventures.

[7:27] Okay.

[7:27] Let me just say, I've seen Ethan Hawke in a number of plays now.

[7:30] I don't like his reoccurring theme.

[7:32] He's a really great actor.

[7:34] Like, even in plays that are not very good that I've seen him in, he's really good.

[7:38] And I've seen plays he's directed.

[7:40] Like, he's a really good theater director.

[7:42] And so it's one of those things where it's like, he must be trying so hard not to be good

[7:45] in this movie.

[7:46] Because he's so non-existent and barely there.

[7:49] But it helps that he has very little dialogue in the movie other than like, where's my wife?

[7:55] And most of it is just him driving a car and smashing into things.

Dan McCoy

[7:59] Most of it is...

[8:00] Smash.

Elliott Kalan

[8:04] And Selena Gomez going, ah!

[8:06] Watch out!

[8:08] My car!

[8:09] Selena Gomez-Adams, that is.

Stuart Wellington

[8:10] It's almost like Michael Winslow from the Police Academy movie showed up.

[8:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:13] Yeah, Dan, do give us some more sound effects.

Stuart Wellington

[8:15] Yeah, do a helicopter.

[8:17] Beep, beep, honk.

Elliott Kalan

[8:18] It's not very good.

[8:18] How about that?

[8:19] Okay, no.

[8:20] Record scratch.

[8:21] Chainmail, chainmail.

[8:23] Horse sound.

[8:24] Horse sound.

[8:26] Crackle, crackle, fire.

[8:27] Explosion.

Dan McCoy

[8:29] So, this is the point where you usually give some sort of synopsis.

[8:34] Yeah, this is a...

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] I'll try to do it quick.

[8:36] I know...

[8:36] I always say I'll try to do it quick and that turns into a 35-minute rant.

[8:39] But this movie was a bunch of scenes.

[8:41] This movie is...

[8:42] Intercut with car chases.

[8:43] This movie is just a car chase.

[8:45] It's like 85% car chase.

[8:46] And that sounds great.

[8:48] Like, if you said to me, there's an action movie.

[8:50] It's a lean, low-budget movie with a star in Bulgaria that's 85% car chase.

[8:56] I'd be like, that sounds like it could be great.

[8:58] But it's not.

[8:59] It's really terrible.

[9:00] And the reason for this is a lot of it is in the direction and camera work, which means

[9:05] most of the movie is shot by digital video cameras that have just been kind of randomly

[9:09] placed around every object in a scene.

Dan McCoy

[9:11] Yeah, it looks like Taxi Cab Confessions, the action film.

Elliott Kalan

[9:16] Yeah, and they cut between them ridiculously.

[9:18] It's like if Cash Cab was like an action movie.

[9:21] Full contact, Taxi Cab Confessions.

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] I like it.

[9:23] So, but we'll talk about it.

[9:24] Or a 13-year-old version of me would have liked it up until a point.

[9:27] And then I realized I was not going to get anything really good out of it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] So we're in Sofia, Bulgaria, where Ethan Hawke is playing the awesomely named former race

[9:35] car driver Brent Magna.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] It sounds like magma, so he'd be a lava man, right?

Elliott Kalan

[9:39] Either has lava powers or magnetic powers, or both.

[9:42] Magnetic lava.

[9:43] He's a double threat, I think is what that's called.

[9:46] Yeah.

[9:47] There's a montage at the beginning that uses both the present and the past cut together

[9:52] to show that his wife was kidnapped while, you know, getting ready for Christmas.

[9:56] Yeah, you know it's the past because they use black and white.

[9:58] Yeah, because she was kidnapped 50 years ago.

[10:02] He gets a phone call from a man only called The Voice, played by Jon Voight.

[10:06] Played by CeeLo Green.

[10:08] And The Voice is a competition show in which Jon Voight sits in a chair and tells you to

[10:12] smash your car into random nonsense.

[10:14] And if he likes it, he turns around in the chair and I guess gets eaten by an anaconda

[10:19] and then thrown up.

[10:20] Sure.

[10:20] And winks at the audience.

[10:22] Winks at the audience.

[10:22] And then he throws a baby genius at you?

[10:24] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[10:26] Yeah, he smashes his bust at the fucking Bratz High School.

Elliott Kalan

[10:30] So Jon Voight tells him, you're going to find this car in a parking garage and it's a

[10:36] Shelby car with a Cobra insignia on it.

[10:38] And you're going to drive it around and do everything I tell you or else I'm going to

[10:41] kill your wife.

[10:42] And what he basically wants him to do for the most part is drive around smashing into things,

[10:46] mainly ramming through Christmas villages.

[10:48] Christmas villages.

[10:49] Listen, let me just say this.

[10:50] Sophia does Christmas up right.

[10:53] There's Christmas all over the fucking town.

[10:55] Everything is Christmas.

[10:56] They might as well call it Christmas City, which is the name of the city in Last Ounce

[11:01] of Courage for the last episode.

[11:02] But this was the real Christmas city.

[11:03] It seems every tree is a Christmas tree.

[11:05] Every person's an elf.

[11:07] Every box is a wrapped gift.

[11:09] Every house is a Christmas house.

[11:10] Santa's just walking around doing his business.

[11:13] There's tons of them everywhere.

[11:14] It's a Santa's explosion.

[11:15] Every boy is a Grinch.

[11:17] Every Bulgarian is a who in Whoville.

[11:19] I wish they had gone as far as saying adapted from The Grinch Who Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss.

Dan McCoy

[11:26] But no, it's not.

[11:27] I also want to say that this is another 12-round situation where eventually, we don't want to

[11:33] spoil it too fast, but eventually we'll get to what the voice's actual plan is.

[11:37] But before that, he puts them through so many hoops where it's just like, wow, you are making

[11:43] it very hard on your own plan.

[11:45] Like, the guy could die before this.

[11:47] He could get arrested.

Elliott Kalan

[11:48] Every hoop is, every hoop is, go drive through a thing or get in a car chase with the police.

Dan McCoy

[11:54] Hey, smash into that truck carrying a bunch of water bottles.

[11:57] Yeah, never did I.

Elliott Kalan

[11:58] Well, he's literally saying like, ram into that.

[12:00] Drive over that thing.

[12:01] Go down those stairs.

[12:02] Smash over that thing.

[12:03] It feels like a Grand Theft Auto mission.

[12:05] Every single, like every five, ten minutes.

[12:06] It doesn't even feel like a mission.

[12:07] It feels like when I would get bored of Grand Theft Auto and just drive around running over

[12:11] people.

[12:11] And be like, okay, now I'm going to steal a fire truck and just run around and see when the police

[12:15] catch me.

Stuart Wellington

[12:15] I'm not the visceral thrill of running into that fire truck and watching it explode.

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] Yeah.

[12:19] I have to say, I never thought I'd be watching a movie and say, I miss the clockwork plotting

[12:24] and sharply drawn characters of 12 rounds.

[12:27] A movie which is mainly John Cena destroying the parts of New Orleans that Katrina didn't get

[12:32] to.

[12:32] Yeah.

[12:33] But like, it's like, 12 rounds looks like a really good movie next to this.

[12:39] Like, the rounds are different competitions.

[12:42] You've got Karketty as the villain and he's like doing funny stuff sometimes.

[12:46] John Cena says things and like Ethan Hawke who just kind of mumbles stuff every now and

[12:50] then.

[12:50] Yeah.

[12:50] And the villain has like a clear motivation and he wants just some kind of vague thing.

[12:54] Well, the thing is he wants revenge on John Cena and it turns out he wants to rob a bank.

[12:58] So like, there's a primary motivation that you know.

[13:02] You know about him.

[13:02] A secondary motivation that you don't know about.

[13:04] Here, the only motivation you don't really know, you just know that his wife is going

[13:09] to die if he doesn't do the things.

[13:10] Meanwhile, Selena Gomez shows up.

[13:12] She's known only as the kid, according to Wikipedia.

[13:15] And she's like, I guess...

[13:16] Boy, does she look like one, as Elliot pointed out.

[13:19] I've never really seen stuff with Selena Gomez in it and you just see like links on Huffington

[13:23] Post that are like, Selena Gomez bikini pics.

[13:25] And watching this, she looks like she's like 12 and a half.

[13:27] So...

[13:28] She's got like a really...

[13:29] She's got like a baby face.

[13:30] It's really creepy.

[13:31] She's like a chipmunk face.

Dan McCoy

[13:32] She's got a little baby fat, puffy cheeks.

[13:35] Yeah, you know.

[13:35] You know.

[13:36] Make her feel bad.

Elliott Kalan

[13:37] I'm not...

[13:38] No, let's just...

[13:38] I mean, I know that she...

[13:39] Take that, Selena Gomez.

[13:40] You do not have a shot with Dan McCoy.

[13:42] I know that...

[13:43] Dan McCoy is out of your league, Selena Gomez.

[13:45] I know that...

[13:46] Go back to Justin Bieber.

[13:47] She listens all the time.

[13:49] Because Dan McCoy is saying you are an uggo.

[13:52] He only goes for tens and you're a two.

[13:55] It's not...

[13:55] Wow, a two.

[13:56] Dan said it, not me.

[13:57] Bottom of the barrel, huh?

[13:58] I'm quoting Dan McCoy.

[13:59] Well, one would be bottom of the barrel.

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:01] Or I guess a zero, which would be what?

[14:02] Like a man?

[14:03] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:05] That seems homophobe.

[14:06] There's certain men for Dan that are fives and six.

[14:09] There's certain men out there that, you know, like...

[14:11] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[14:11] Well, like who, Dan?

[14:12] Like Stewart?

Dan McCoy

[14:13] I'd say that, you know, like Harrison Ford in his prime.

[14:15] In his prime.

[14:16] Not anymore.

[14:17] That's at least a six, even for a heterosexual man.

Elliott Kalan

[14:19] So what, like a Paul...

[14:20] Yeah, because like Paul Newman is like a ten.

[14:21] Oh, man.

Dan McCoy

[14:22] That guy is a handsome man.

Elliott Kalan

[14:23] Even when he was old in all gravelly voice.

[14:25] Yeah.

[14:26] And you have financial security with him, so it's cool.

[14:28] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[14:28] It's true.

[14:28] Because of his popcorn and salad dressing empire.

Dan McCoy

[14:31] A Michael Fassbender?

[14:32] That's a handsome guy.

[14:33] Exactly.

[14:33] He's very handsome.

Elliott Kalan

[14:34] Yeah, yeah.

[14:34] And you checked him out in shame.

[14:35] You know he's got the goods.

[14:36] Sure.

[14:36] You know that he's packing heat, and by heat I mean a big penis.

[14:41] That's what the movie The Heat was about, right?

[14:43] Yep.

[14:43] Yeah.

[14:43] And that movie Heat with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro?

[14:45] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[14:46] It's a license to thrill with his penis.

[14:49] If it looks good thrill.

Elliott Kalan

[14:51] Anyway, so...

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] Which they can in the case of The Heat.

[14:54] So it's starring Robert De Niro and Al Pacino.

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] It's not The Heat.

[15:01] So Selena Gomez is the owner of the car, and she tries to carjack it from Ethan Hawke,

[15:05] but fails.

[15:07] And Ethan Hawke is told by The Voice, now she has to stay with you because she can't

[15:10] mess up our plan.

[15:12] And Selena Gomez is a car expert and a computer whiz.

[15:15] But not a carjacking expert.

[15:17] But not a carjacking expert, no.

[15:19] And she's using her cell phone and her iPad to eventually help Ethan Hawke turn the tables

[15:24] on Jon Voight.

[15:25] Let's just cut it short.

Dan McCoy

[15:26] But she's one of those, like, you know, she's one of those teenage, those hot teenage

[15:30] women gearhead hackers that we've been hearing so much about these days.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] Yeah, well, you know, like your Megan Fox is in the Translate.

[15:35] Transformers movies.

[15:37] Your Angelina Jolie in the movie Hackers.

[15:39] Yeah, your girls with the dragons tattoos.

[15:41] Yeah.

[15:42] Your, what, Gem in the Holograms?

[15:45] Is she a hacker?

[15:46] Yeah.

[15:46] Probably.

[15:47] Probably, right?

[15:48] That's how she glows, right?

[15:49] Your neuromanstresses.

[15:51] Sure.

[15:52] Your Mona Lisa overdrives.

[15:54] You know, those things.

[15:55] Yeah.

[15:55] Your Mona Lisa smiles.

[15:57] You know.

[15:58] What?

[15:58] Mona Lisa smiles.

[15:59] No computers in it.

[16:00] It said, like, 1857 or something.

[16:03] Anyway.

[16:03] So, it turns out that Selena Gomez is the daughter of Sofia Bulgaria's largest bank.

[16:09] Oh, I love her on Modern Family.

[16:11] And they're going to upload.

[16:13] They go.

[16:14] John Voight tells them to go to an electricity transformer and.

[16:20] It explodes.

[16:22] But they're framed for it, I guess.

[16:24] It blows up real good.

[16:25] And then they, it turns out that they wanted, that John Voight wants to steal something at the bank.

[16:31] The assets are being, the assets are in a computer.

[16:34] And because of the electricity shutdown, the computer is being moved via a truck to a safer location.

[16:40] So, that's when they're moving it in the truck.

[16:42] His motorcycled henchmen, who it seems could have done all this without Ethan Hawke.

[16:45] Yep.

[16:46] Show up and steal the computer.

[16:48] But Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez.

Stuart Wellington

[16:49] Before they do that, they show up, fire a bunch of machine guns, one-handed on their, what, like motorbikes?

[16:56] Yeah, motorcycles.

[16:56] Like sight bikes?

[16:57] Motorcycles.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] But it's one of your classic diehard scenarios where the, what appears to be what's going on is actually just a distraction.

[17:06] It's all misdirection.

[17:07] Yeah, it's like the prestige.

[17:08] Now you see the big heist that's happening.

[17:10] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[17:10] They slap some bombs on the armored car that look like the game Simon, the memory game.

[17:16] Yeah.

[17:16] But they explode.

[17:16] The game doesn't explode.

[17:18] The game Simon only explodes if you lose 35 times in a row.

Dan McCoy

[17:21] Parker Brothers recalled all the Simons that exploded.

[17:24] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] Social Darwinism is what it's called.

[17:27] It's called, I mean, if you waste your time with Simon, then you're probably, you're not contributing a lot.

[17:33] Ooh, Simon Burn.

Dan McCoy

[17:35] I mean, I spent plenty of time playing it when I was a kid.

[17:36] Fuck you, game from back in the late 70s, early 80s.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] Black and white times.

[17:43] Yeah, old times.

[17:44] Anyway, so, but it turns out Selena Gomez and Nicolas Cage have turned the tables on John Boyd.

[17:49] Did you say Nicolas Cage or Ethan Hawke?

[17:51] I did say Nicolas Cage because I wanted to be Nicolas Cage so badly.

[17:54] Because I love Cagemas so much.

[17:55] It's my favorite time of the year.

[17:57] So Ethan Hawke's going to be Nicolas Cage for the rest of this.

[17:59] Yes, I might call him Nicolas Cage.

[18:01] You know it's Ethan Hawke.

[18:02] I wanted to be Nicolas Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[18:03] One of them's a date breaker.

[18:04] One of them is a date maker.

[18:06] Did you say a date breaker?

[18:07] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] Is in day breakers.

[18:09] Yeah, date breakers.

[18:10] Date breakers.

[18:10] Where he breaks up dates.

[18:11] Where Ethan Hawke makes plans and then breaks them at the last minute.

[18:13] It's like a noise, but for dates.

[18:14] Don't make plans with Ethan Hawke.

[18:16] He ruins appointments.

Dan McCoy

[18:18] Do you think Nicolas Cage would be more or less creepy co-starring with Selena Gomez?

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] Oh, certainly.

[18:24] I know less, because he's co-starred with kids and young women before.

[18:28] Whereas Ethan Hawke hasn't established himself that way yet, I feel like.

[18:32] So he seems at any moment like he might suddenly start hitting on Selena Gomez.

Stuart Wellington

[18:36] What, after midnight with the movies then?

[18:38] Before midnight.

Elliott Kalan

[18:39] But what happens after midnight?

[18:41] He has sex with Julie Delpy, I guess.

[18:43] That makes sense.

[18:44] After they have their topless argument.

[18:47] Spoiler alert.

[18:48] If you want to see Julie Delpy topless and a pretty realistic portrayal of what a married

[18:53] couple's argument looks like before midnight.

[18:56] Or don't look now.

[18:57] Yeah, or don't.

[18:58] Well, you don't see Julie Delpy.

[18:59] You'll see Julie Christie topless in that.

[19:00] It's a Julie.

[19:01] And also Donald Sutherland, totally Starkers.

[19:04] And murderous dwarf.

[19:06] Spoiler alert.

[19:07] Come on.

[19:08] And murderous dwarf, Tim Conway as Dorf.

[19:11] What if it turned out at the end and don't look now that it was Dorf?

[19:13] Dorf on murder.

[19:14] I told you to learn golfing.

[19:18] That would be so great.

[19:20] And Tim Conway just waddles away.

[19:23] It's Tim Conway.

[19:24] Dorf look now.

Dan McCoy

[19:25] Tim Conway's standing in a trench slashing Donald Sutherland's throat.

Elliott Kalan

[19:28] As Harvey Corman just watches laughing.

[19:31] Just cracking up.

[19:33] Dorf look now.

[19:34] Certainly one of Nicholas Roeg's most underrated films.

[19:38] Starring Tim Conway as the murderous dwarf.

[19:41] And Kiefer Sutherland as Donald Sutherland.

[19:44] Yeah.

[19:44] It's his star.

[19:45] Honestly, he was the star.

[19:46] The dwarf is the star of the original.

[19:48] There's no movie without the dwarf.

[19:50] Without him, it's just a scene of Donald Sutherland having sex with his wife and then brushing

[19:54] his teeth nude.

[19:56] And beautiful shots of Venice.

[19:58] That dwarf makes it a movie.

[20:00] And that dwarf's name is Dorf.

Stuart Wellington

[20:02] So is that just like, I don't understand the Academy's organization, how they would organize

[20:08] a best actor versus a sporting actor.

[20:10] But clearly Dorf wins best actor in perpetuity.

[20:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:13] The thing is, usually it's about screen time for the most part.

[20:16] But when the role is at pivotal, for the three seconds of screen time, he really would

[20:21] win best actor.

[20:22] Tim Conway's.

[20:23] But he would win it as Dorf.

[20:24] That's the thing.

[20:25] It wouldn't say best actor Tim Conway.

[20:26] It would say best actor Dorf.

[20:28] Oh, that's going to be tough though.

[20:29] Yes, I'll live in that.

[20:30] Yeah.

[20:30] He also won best live action short subject for Dorf on Fishing.

[20:34] And best documentary for the making of Dorf on Fishing.

[20:37] Now I know what you're saying.

[20:38] Dorf on Fishing is a short subject, but the making of is a full length documentary?

[20:41] Yes, exactly.

[20:43] It was three hours long.

[20:44] It was released to theaters.

[20:46] Yeah.

[20:46] Some people say that much like Heart of Darkness, it really is as good as the movie that it's

[20:51] about.

Stuart Wellington

[20:53] Anyway.

[20:53] Hearts of Darkness, right?

[20:54] Hearts of Darkness.

[20:55] Yeah, sorry.

[20:56] Heart of Darkness is the original story.

[20:57] I was just, I was getting that out of the way before somebody emails us complaining.

Elliott Kalan

[21:00] Which they will.

[21:01] I'll never hear the end of how I got Gizmoduck's code word wrong.

[21:04] Because a thing I literally haven't heard in, let's say, 25 years.

Stuart Wellington

[21:10] Well, we're expecting your resignation to both your job, your wife, and the flop house.

[21:14] I just got a new job and a new flop house.

Dan McCoy

[21:17] You resigned to your wife.

[21:19] I'm sorry, honey.

[21:20] Here's my letter of resignation.

[21:22] Here's my letter of resignation.

Elliott Kalan

[21:22] I got something wrong about Gizmoduck.

[21:24] You did the right thing, honey.

[21:27] I'm unhappy that it ended this way, but we can't stay married.

[21:31] So anyway, when it turns out, Ethan Hawke, I was about to see Nicolas Cage again.

[21:35] Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez have tricked Jon Voight.

[21:37] Using the old speed trick, they, see, there's the thing.

[21:40] Jon Voight has all these cameras mounted in the car so he can watch them from every angle at all times.

Stuart Wellington

[21:44] So we, the audience, can watch shitty, like, video footage.

Elliott Kalan

[21:47] Car chases shot by DV from the side of the car.

[21:51] Or at one point, a camera behind the gear shift.

[21:53] Yeah.

[21:53] So that you're seeing, it's like having an obstructed view seat at a, at the giant Ethan Hawke show.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] Yeah, if you want to pay, how much does a movie cost nowadays?

[22:00] Like $75.

[22:02] Okay, so you go to spend that much money on a movie.

[22:05] Movie on a money, who cares?

Elliott Kalan

[22:06] You spend that much movie.

[22:07] You have to pay.

[22:08] Movies are so expensive now that you have to pay with a movie you made.

Stuart Wellington

[22:11] Now, you want to watch a movie that's all shot on somebody's fucking cell phone?

[22:14] I don't think so.

[22:15] Not at all.

[22:16] We just basically did.

Elliott Kalan

[22:17] Unless it was called, Selfies Shot by Famous Hollywood Actresses with No Clothes On, the movie.

[22:22] But that's the thing, like, apparently America.

[22:24] It's a feature-length film?

[22:25] Apparently America.

[22:26] It's a feature-length.

[22:26] It's a documentary.

[22:27] Best documentary.

[22:28] It actually lost to the making of Dorf on Fishing.

[22:31] But it was very close.

[22:33] It won the Golden Globe.

[22:34] Hearts of Fishing.

[22:35] It was like, what, seven to six?

[22:36] What's the voting like?

[22:38] It was seven to six.

[22:39] The 13-member Council of Oscar Elders.

[22:42] Sure.

[22:43] The Galactic Jedi Council that votes on Oscar movies.

Stuart Wellington

[22:46] Oddly enough, the 13th chair is kept vacant for, I guess, an old one?

[22:52] For the chosen one.

Elliott Kalan

[22:52] Yeah.

[22:53] When he was finally born.

Dan McCoy

[22:55] No, you keep looking at me as if I...

[22:57] You were going to say something.

[22:58] No, I know, but it doesn't seem important now.

[23:00] Okay.

[23:01] America's insatiable desire, apparently, for movies that look like their home videos.

[23:06] Yeah.

[23:06] Well, it's cheap to make.

[23:08] They want to feel like they could make a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] Frankly, it's cheaper to make...

[23:11] Yeah, movies.

[23:12] They're just like us.

[23:13] And, Dan, I hate to break it to you, a lot of Americans cannot tell the difference between

[23:16] video and film.

[23:17] What?

[23:17] In the same way that, like, my wife cannot tell the difference when our TV is on the right

[23:21] or wrong aspect ratio, even though everyone looks like squat toad men.

[23:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:25] It's how, like, George Lucas doesn't think CGI looks fake.

[23:30] Exactly.

[23:30] Or Sylvester Stallone thinks CGI bullet hits is just as good as actual...

Elliott Kalan

[23:34] There's a lot of people whose eyes don't have the sophisticated eye palettes that ours

[23:39] have.

Dan McCoy

[23:39] Whereas I see two seconds of a TV that is set to motion smoothing...

[23:44] And it looks awful.

[23:45] ...and my brain explodes.

[23:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] Like, how can you watch this?

[23:48] But here's...

[23:48] Luckily, your brain comes back together and we can make a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] You know how in Being John Malkovich, there's a scene where the chimps' memory, we see it,

[23:56] and it's shot on video, and how brilliant that is, that he literally uses a different format

[24:00] for the memory of an animal.

[24:02] There's a lot of people who didn't pick up on that subtlety.

[24:04] They're just like, okay, yeah, now this is also shot on the same thing, you know.

[24:07] So this is...

[24:08] To tell the difference between video...

[24:09] This has been three superior assholes saying, fuck you, America.

[24:12] To tell the difference between video and film, it has to be like a Fawlty Towers episode.

[24:16] Yeah.

[24:16] Where it's video, and then it goes to like 16mm on the outside.

[24:20] Oh, I see what you're saying.

[24:20] The outside world is shot in film for some reason.

[24:23] I remember as a kid not knowing that those were the reason for that, but being like,

[24:27] why does the outside look different in England?

Stuart Wellington

[24:29] It's almost like the difference between tasting a...

[24:32] Like knowing the difference between a delicious American micro-brew beer and then a glass of

[24:37] Hobo Diarrhea.

[24:39] Oh, the Hobo Diaries?

[24:40] The hit show?

[24:41] That's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] They can't tell the difference.

[24:44] Okay, so...

[24:45] We can with our eyeballs.

[24:46] So the bad guys are stealing the computer with the bank money on it, but what they didn't

[24:51] know is that Ethan Hawke and Selena Gomez, again, I was almost to Nicolas Cage, Ethan Hawke

[24:56] and Selena Gomez have pulled the old speed trick and looped some tape of them in the car.

Stuart Wellington

[25:02] The old speed trick is not the one where you slam on the brakes and grab the girl's boobs,

[25:07] right?

[25:07] No.

[25:08] I think he does that at one point, though, right?

Elliott Kalan

[25:10] Oh, I'm gonna imagine.

[25:12] In this movie or in Speed?

Stuart Wellington

[25:13] Wait.

[25:15] Wait, this isn't called speed?

[25:16] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[25:17] The speed trick is when you're driving a bus and you're eating popcorn and you put the

[25:22] popcorn over your penis.

[25:23] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[25:23] It makes it so much harder because the bus is jostling.

[25:26] Yeah.

[25:26] And you're worried it might jostle your penis through the popcorn.

[25:29] Yeah.

[25:29] But that's what's sexy about it.

[25:30] And then once it's out in the open, you know.

[25:31] Yeah, because when you jostle a thing of popcorn, penis is full out.

[25:34] The feeling of hot popcorn jumping up and down on your penis.

[25:38] Because, of course, that's a pleasurable sensation.

[25:41] Everybody loves that.

[25:42] You know what?

[25:43] It's like a hot popcorn massage.

[25:44] Why don't you try it at home?

[25:45] Just take some burning cinders out of the fire.

[25:48] You're just gonna sprinkle them on your penis.

[25:49] Yep, because you're in like a fucking fucking meat hall.

[25:53] Go to the hard bin.

[25:54] Stop drinking grog for a moment.

[25:57] Put down that bar wench.

[25:59] Go to where the huge boar is roasting on a spit.

[26:02] And take out some cinders from the fire.

[26:05] Lift up your kilt.

[26:07] Yep, you're listening to us, the scalds, sitting around the hearth fire.

[26:11] And you'll be scalded if you do that to your penis.

[26:13] Anyway, so he pulled the old speed trick of looping from the movie speed.

[26:17] Looping the video so it looks like they're just driving around.

[26:19] Selena Gomez and Ethan Hawke show up.

[26:21] They steal the money computer.

[26:23] And then there's like another car chase showdown.

[26:26] And eventually the good guys win.

[26:29] Except it turns out.

Stuart Wellington

[26:30] Yeah, instead of editing techniques, they just throw in car chases.

Elliott Kalan

[26:35] Yeah, and they're gonna meet up to hand off the bank stuff to Jon Voight in exchange for Ethan Hawke's wife.

[26:40] The bank stuff's the money computer.

[26:41] The money computer.

[26:42] The police show up.

[26:44] It seems like Jon Voight has driven away with Selena Gomez kidnapped.

[26:48] Ethan Hawke chases him for a long time.

Stuart Wellington

[26:50] That is a great scene, though.

[26:51] The scene where the cops lock down the bad guys.

[26:54] And Ethan Hawke and then Selena Gomez is whisked away by evil baddies.

[26:58] And Ethan Hawke just wanders over to his awesome car and drives away.

[27:01] And drives away.

[27:02] And the cops are like, no, allow it.

[27:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:04] You've been literally terrorizing the whole town.

[27:10] No, terrorizing the country.

[27:11] Yeah, different cities.

[27:12] He just show up and strike.

[27:14] Yeah.

[27:15] It was a nationwide manhunt.

Dan McCoy

[27:16] He's driving through Christmas City, smashing up everything that he sees.

[27:21] And he's like, whoa, whoa.

[27:22] We built this city on Christmas.

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] It's fine.

[27:25] Yeah, no, he's...

[27:26] Sure he's got a reason.

[27:27] Yeah.

[27:27] It's almost like in Bulgaria they have a limit to the number of people they can arrest at any one time.

[27:32] Like, oh, four people.

[27:34] Gotta throw one back.

[27:35] You know, this one's not big enough.

[27:37] Wait till next season.

Dan McCoy

[27:38] I will say, and I thought you were going here.

[27:41] I thought you were having a rare moment of, you know, genuineness.

[27:44] I never have those.

[27:46] Yeah.

[27:46] But like, the chase...

[27:47] Irony and carny.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] I have to cloak everything in irony lest I show my delicate interior.

Dan McCoy

[27:53] The chase at the end of this movie is the closest thing they have to a good chase because

[27:56] a lot of it is done in one single unbroken shot.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] Well, it's a point of view shot of Ethan Hawke's car as he's chasing what you think is

[28:04] Jon Voight's car.

[28:05] It turns out at the end it's just an old man who looks kind of like Jon Voight.

[28:07] It turns out Jon Voight the entire time has been speaking via satellite phone from America.

Stuart Wellington

[28:13] It's the character Pumpkinhead from the series Pumpkinhead.

Elliott Kalan

[28:16] And the bad guy gets away with it.

[28:17] And the bad guy gets it.

[28:18] And Jon Voight's like, thanks for helping me.

[28:20] It's like, wait, but I thought you lost.

[28:22] So Jon Voight wins and it turns out he was a fan of Ethan Hawke as a race car driver.

[28:26] And Ethan Hawke could have been great, he thought, if only he could get over his fear, I guess.

[28:30] So he feels like he did him a service by making him do all this stuff.

[28:33] But anyway, so, but there's this last car chase and there's one unbroken shot from the

[28:38] point of view of Ethan Hawke's car following Jon Voight's car or the bad guy's van.

[28:43] And it's the only good shot in the whole movie.

[28:46] Yeah.

[28:46] Maybe.

[28:47] Like, it's a little bit of, you get a tiny bit of a less sophisticated, less skillful version

[28:52] of what makes Children of Men so good.

[28:55] Like when they would do all those scenes in one take and it would, there was a real visceral

[28:58] sense of something happening.

Dan McCoy

[28:59] I mean, like, I also rewatched Death Proof recently.

[29:02] Uh-huh.

[29:03] And I mean, I always feel like an old man, like, railing against the future when I say

[29:09] this.

[29:09] But like...

[29:10] But flying cars?

[29:11] Not in my...

[29:11] No way.

[29:12] Robot butlers?

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] Dogs running on floating treadmills?

[29:16] The thing is, if you actually do something...

[29:18] When I was a boy, we had sex with women, not robots.

[29:22] If you actually...

[29:23] What I'm saying is, hand me that robot.

[29:24] If you actually...

[29:25] Svetka Vodka.

[29:26] Sexy robots, please.

[29:27] What's her number?

[29:28] Where can I find her?

[29:29] Because I like a woman with no hair and exposed metal.

[29:33] I want a robot that has a butt and the rest of it's just robot.

Dan McCoy

[29:38] What I'm saying is, if you actually...

[29:39] That's part of the essentials collection.

[29:41] If you actually do something...

[29:42] If you actually stage a stunt for the camera and, like, film it at length and you actually...

[29:47] Like, there's a physical reality to what you're doing...

[29:50] No, it's better.

[29:50] It will be much more exciting.

Elliott Kalan

[29:52] That's why Road Warrior is still an amazing movie.

[29:55] And, like, I guess the Fast and Furious movies are fun, but they're just not at the

[29:58] same level.

[29:59] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[29:59] And when you look at any of the background around Getaway, they clearly spend a lot of money

[30:05] on cars and car chases.

[30:08] They smash them up.

[30:09] And, like, they spent so much money.

[30:10] Like, apparently they even created a fucking junkyard of cars.

[30:13] And you would...

[30:14] Like, it's almost a disservice to all the stuntmen who worked in this.

[30:17] None of whom got injured, but there's...

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] It's cut into, like, such complete gibberish.

[30:21] It's shot and cut so poorly that, like, yeah, a lot of probably really good stunts get lost.

Stuart Wellington

[30:25] It's...

[30:26] Not to be, like, hyperbolic, but it's almost like taking...

[30:29] But it's worse than Hitler.

[30:31] It's, like, taking great...

[30:33] It's, like, great vocal performances or any performances and just chopping them up.

[30:37] Like, seeing a great performance of Shakespeare and then overly editing it so you can't tell

[30:42] what's going on.

[30:43] Yeah.

[30:43] Like, these stuntmen put all that work into it and they basically just shat all over

[30:47] them.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] Yeah.

[30:48] I mean, that was one of...

[30:48] Like, they killed their entire family is what I'm trying to say.

[30:50] That was one of the stunts to be shit on, too.

[30:53] You can do car stunts?

[30:54] Great.

[30:54] Motorcycle stunts?

[30:55] Great.

[30:55] Will you let someone shit on you?

[30:57] Yeah.

[30:57] It's technically a stunt.

Dan McCoy

[30:59] I see in your special skills section of your resume it says scat.

Elliott Kalan

[31:05] Now, is that jazz singing or is that poop?

[31:08] Poop?

[31:09] Great.

[31:09] Let's talk.

[31:10] I thought so.

[31:10] It was all in capitals for some reason.

[31:13] Now, you're an MC scat cat.

[31:15] Does that mean you're into Shies of Lay?

[31:17] No, no, no.

[31:18] Jazz singing.

[31:18] Never mind.

[31:19] Forget it.

[31:19] I'm calling the wrong cat.

[31:20] Oh, your brother is into it, though.

[31:22] DC scat cat.

Stuart Wellington

[31:24] Whatever you have written under objective is all in Windings.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] Why'd you do that?

[31:29] Did I say Windings or Winding Refn?

[31:31] Because of Wing Dixie.

[31:34] You've typed in Nicholas Winding Refn.

[31:38] Everything is in Nicholas Winding Refn, so it's all just...

[31:40] Pregnant pauses and turnarounds.

[31:42] Guys looking at stuff and then punching someone to death.

[31:44] Fucking violence.

[31:46] Amazing.

[31:47] When's he making another movie?

[31:49] Soon, I hope.

[31:49] Another one, please.

[31:50] But anyway, there's a couple...

[31:52] So this movie is like 85% poorly edited car chases.

[31:57] At the end, the bad guy gets away, which I guess sets it up for a sequel.

[32:00] But I think my favorite moment in the whole movie is in the beginning.

[32:03] Jon Voight is calling Ethan Hawke to explain what just happened.

[32:06] And he says, your wife has been taken.

[32:08] And there's like a moment where your wife has been taken.

[32:12] And it's almost like the movie pauses to be like, get it?

[32:15] Remember?

[32:15] Like the movie you liked?

[32:17] The successful movie?

[32:18] We're doing that.

[32:19] Oh, anyway, Jon Voight uses a voice that is part Dracula and part Bane.

[32:24] Verner Thug.

[32:24] And part Verner Thug.

[32:26] But you can tell Jon Voight had a great time because most of the movie is...

[32:30] Of his shooting was sitting in a bar drinking a martini while doing this crazy voice.

[32:33] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[32:34] There's one moment...

Stuart Wellington

[32:34] Please, it's time for you to crash into another scene.

[32:37] Ethan Hawke, ramen to that one.

[32:40] There's a great shot of him eating a martini olive.

[32:43] That just reminded me of an even better shot of John Noble eating tomatoes in Return of the King.

Elliott Kalan

[32:49] So...

[32:49] I remember that shot.

Stuart Wellington

[32:50] Yeah, it's all gross.

[32:51] There's a lot of mouth acting from Jon Voight.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] Yeah, it's all mouth acting.

[32:55] Yeah.

[32:56] And it's great.

[32:56] You only see his full face at the end.

[32:59] You see just his chin and his mouth before that.

[33:01] And I wonder...

[33:01] Or like his back.

[33:02] And he hasn't shaved recently, so that looks cool.

[33:04] And I wonder if it was supposed to be like a surprise.

[33:07] Like, oh, that was Jon Voight the whole time.

[33:09] That voice that sounded just like Jon Voight and the chin that looked like Jon Voight's chin.

[33:14] That was Jon Voight.

Stuart Wellington

[33:15] Remember him?

[33:16] He was in Mission Impossible.

[33:18] That's his big credit.

Elliott Kalan

[33:20] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[33:20] Not the movie you won an Academy Award for coming home.

[33:23] Remember him from Anaconda?

[33:24] He's an Anaconda expert.

Dan McCoy

[33:26] Yeah.

[33:26] I remember him from Runaway Train.

[33:29] Like, no, there was...

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] Why did you say Runaway Train so quietly?

[33:32] Like, you were ashamed of it.

[33:33] Did you watch it by yourself?

[33:34] Did you masturbate to it?

Stuart Wellington

[33:37] Was it like the time I watched Tomcats by myself and was like looking around to make sure nobody saw me watching it?

[33:42] Was that with Jerry O'Connell?

[33:43] Yeah.

[33:44] And not Jeremy O'Connell, his much more successful non-existent brother.

[33:49] Wait, what?

Elliott Kalan

[33:51] So this is a movie that barely exists.

[33:55] It's like a demo reel.

[33:56] I was saying to Dan, it felt like I was watching the demo reel for the handling of the Shelby Cobra.

[34:01] You know, it looks like a car demo reel that's poorly made.

Stuart Wellington

[34:03] It looks like somebody filmed Ethan Hawke going to, like, stunt driving school.

Elliott Kalan

[34:07] Yeah, basically.

[34:08] And it seems like Ethan Hawke probably had a great time making it.

[34:11] Oh, yeah.

[34:11] Because it was just stunt driving all day.

[34:13] Got paid to do it.

[34:14] Got to spend time in beautiful, cloudy Bulgaria around Christmas time.

[34:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:18] And he got to work opposite Selena Gomez, who's an acting powerhouse.

[34:23] Amy Adams, hang up your acting chops.

Elliott Kalan

[34:26] He's like, can we go back and re-edit the After Midnight, the Before Sunrise movies to put Selena Gomez in instead of Julie Delpy?

[34:33] Because she's got chops.

[34:35] I'm sorry.

[34:36] I got to say, I did not walk away thinking Selena Gomez was the future of film acting.

[34:40] No.

[34:42] Was she a spring breaker?

Dan McCoy

[34:43] She was a spring breaker.

[34:44] Not a date breaker, because that's Ethan Hawke.

Elliott Kalan

[34:46] Is she, like, a high school's musical?

Dan McCoy

[34:48] She...

[34:48] What is she from?

[34:49] I don't know what she's from.

[34:50] Is she, like, a Degrassi or an iCarly?

[34:51] She was not...

[34:53] Listeners, write in and tell Elliot what the answer is.

[34:55] Is she a Wizard of Waverly Place?

[34:57] She was not one of the high school musicals.

[35:00] The spring breaker who was a high school musical was Vanessa Hudgens.

Elliott Kalan

[35:03] Okay.

[35:04] Oh, yeah.

[35:04] Vanessa Hudgens.

[35:05] Yeah.

[35:06] But, so what was Selena Gomez in?

[35:09] Besides the Addams family.

Stuart Wellington

[35:11] Is she a rug rat?

[35:12] Was she a Doug?

[35:14] Is she a Ren and Stimpy?

[35:15] I'm glad we covered all three cartoons that came out as the same batch of cartoons.

[35:19] The original Nicktoons.

[35:20] Or what about the expansion?

Elliott Kalan

[35:21] Was she a Rocko's Modern Life or an A Real Monsters?

Dan McCoy

[35:24] She was in the movie Selena starring J-Lo.

Elliott Kalan

[35:26] Okay.

[35:27] Is she a cat dog?

Dan McCoy

[35:30] She was a...

[35:31] Is she in all that?

[35:33] Yeah, she's in all that.

[35:33] Is she a Good Burger?

[35:34] She's a Keenan and Kel.

Elliott Kalan

[35:36] Is she a Wienerville?

[35:39] All right.

[35:40] Is she a Pinwheel or a Today's Special?

[35:43] Nickelodeon shows, come on.

[35:44] Think of some art.

Stuart Wellington

[35:44] I only got to watch Pinwheel when I would stay home from school sick.

[35:48] Yeah.

[35:49] But I wasn't sick.

[35:49] I just wanted to stay home and watch Pinwheel.

[35:51] Yeah, you had Pinwheel fever.

[35:52] That's what you were sick with.

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] So, what's this movie, Drive Angry?

[35:58] Yeah.

[35:59] Getaway.

[35:59] This is a really forgettable generic movie.

Dan McCoy

[36:02] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[36:06] I'm going to say a bad bad movie.

[36:09] Like, I think it could have been a good bad movie, but they spent so little time on the actual dialogue sequences and just the reliance on the shitty video cameras that are taped to the outside of the car.

Elliott Kalan

[36:23] I'm going to agree with Stuart here.

[36:24] I'm going to agree with Stuart here.

[36:24] This had the potential to be a good bad movie, but the car chases were just too monotonous and not well done.

[36:30] And it was like 15, 20 minutes of plot expanded to an hour and a half.

[36:34] It's a bad, bad movie.

[36:35] I agree.

[36:36] It's a bad, bad movie.

[36:36] Maybe if Nicolas Cage had been in it.

[36:38] If Nicolas Cage had been in it, it would have elevated it.

Stuart Wellington

[36:39] And he had brought one of his, like, wacky, wacky performances as opposed to sedate performances.

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Instead of Bangkok Dangerous, if he had, like, if he had bad lieutenant all over the place, oh, I would have loved it.

[36:49] If he was like, ah, ah, eyes bugging out, waving his hands around, punching Selena Gomez for no reason.

[36:56] Hey, Dan and Stuart, I'm not wearing a shirt.

[36:59] Do you have a good idea for how I can solve that problem?

[37:01] What happened to your old shirt?

[37:03] Maybe a fire or a bear attack.

[37:05] Let's stick with the problem.

[37:06] I am shirtless.

[37:07] How do I solve it, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[37:08] Why don't you buy a Flophouse t-shirt?

[37:11] It has your face on it.

Elliott Kalan

[37:12] That sounds like a great idea.

[37:13] In case I forget who I am, I can look at the shirt.

[37:15] Can people who don't have my face also buy this shirt?

Stuart Wellington

[37:18] Look, I don't care anymore what happened to your original shirt.

[37:21] Anyone can buy this new t-shirt from the Flophouse.

[37:24] It's for $25.

[37:26] You should wear it.

[37:27] It feels really good on your skin.

Dan McCoy

[37:28] And where do I buy it from?

[37:29] You can go to Estoy Merchandise.

Elliott Kalan

[37:33] EstoyMerchandise.com sounds like a good name.

[37:35] Not like what you said, which sounds stupid.

[37:38] EstoyMerchandise.com, let me buy one.

[37:40] Doodly doodly doo.

[37:41] A couple weeks later.

[37:42] Hey, this shirt feels great.

[37:44] And now I don't have the cold on my nipples anymore.

[37:46] Thanks, guys, for your great advice.

[37:48] The Flophouse t-shirt at EstoyMerchandise.com.

[37:51] Can I have one too, Elliot?

[37:52] You buy it yourself.

[37:54] Ha!

[37:54] So, before we get to letters, I just want to announce the winner of the...

Dan McCoy

[38:20] Hot dog, we have a wiener?

[38:21] He's the house cat.

[38:22] Arthur's theme.

[38:23] Arthur's theme.

[38:25] Contest.

[38:26] Music video contest.

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] This was a music video contest to make a music video to accompany the Song of the Autumn,

[38:31] which means that the song's time is over, unfortunately.

[38:34] He's the house cat, parentheses, Arthur's theme created by Stuart Wellington and nobody else.

[38:39] Stuart Wellington and Alex Smith.

Dan McCoy

[38:41] The winner is...

[38:43] Friend of the Flophouse.

[38:43] Good friend of the Flophouse.

[38:45] Mr. Dan, last name withheld.

[38:47] Wait, Dan McCoy?

[38:48] Of the animated version.

[38:52] If you've seen the videos, his was the weird, like, Ralph Bakshi-esque animated freakout.

[39:01] Be more dismissive of it.

[39:03] Yeah, Dan, he won a contest.

Elliott Kalan

[39:04] He put a lot of work into it.

[39:05] It's not dismissive.

[39:05] I'm just trying to be descriptive of it.

[39:07] I mean, I guess...

[39:07] I'll give a round of applause to Dan for winning.

Stuart Wellington

[39:09] I guess around these parts of Ralph Bakshi freakout is a pretty big compliment.

[39:13] Yeah, it is a compliment.

[39:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:14] I'm just saying it gets creepy at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[39:17] It does.

[39:17] But I was...

[39:17] I mean, I was impressed with a number of the entries.

[39:20] There was a lot of great entries, and it was a really hard choice, which is why I'm glad

[39:24] we didn't have to choose.

[39:25] It was decided via vote.

[39:27] But his...

[39:28] I was impressed by the end when multiple people were credited for, like, animation help.

[39:33] And I was like, wow, a lot of...

[39:34] Like, people put a lot of work into this.

[39:36] Yeah.

[39:36] It looks really professional.

Stuart Wellington

[39:37] And good.

[39:38] As the person who said all the stuff that's in the song, I was overwhelmed.

[39:46] Like, I was genuinely...

[39:47] I was almost embarrassed at how little I feel I contributed to what these people put together.

[39:53] So I think...

[39:53] It's great stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] Everyone who submitted is a winner in the way that they created really exciting and impressive

[39:59] work.

[40:00] So everyone should feel like a winner.

[40:01] But in a larger, more literal sense, there is one winner.

[40:03] And it's Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[40:04] And if you haven't had a chance to check them out, please check them out.

[40:07] They're on our website.

[40:07] Yeah.

[40:07] They're fantastic.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] I've already emailed the winner about...

[40:14] His winnings?

[40:15] His winnings.

[40:16] Which is...

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] What did he win?

[40:17] What was the prize?

Dan McCoy

[40:17] A Plot House t-shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] Ooh, in the size of his choice.

[40:21] And he gets to pick the movie, right?

[40:22] Pick a movie that we will discuss.

[40:24] No, he gets one size.

[40:25] In the future.

Stuart Wellington

[40:25] Extra small.

[40:26] And he's got to put it out in front of a bunch of girls.

[40:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:31] And then he has to flex.

[40:33] Joke's on you.

[40:33] He's Stuart Little-sized and he is ripped.

[40:36] So that shirt fit perfectly.

[40:38] But he Hulkamaniated out of it, so we need another one.

[40:41] Yeah.

[40:41] All right.

[40:42] And he gets to choose the movie.

[40:43] So think of your movie choices.

[40:46] Get three possibilities together because Dan is a big stickler.

[40:49] And he's always like, nah, not that one.

[40:52] Nah, not that one.

[40:52] He has not picked yet.

Dan McCoy

[40:54] The fact that I try to get multiple choices is more about the fact that sometimes there's

[41:00] a question of availability.

[41:02] Sometimes there's a question of whether we've all seen something already.

[41:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:05] And we won't be watching this movie for a little bit for reasons that we won't get into.

Stuart Wellington

[41:08] And if you're looking to influence him, please do not kidnap his wife and then make him drive

[41:13] around for a while to pick your choice of movie.

[41:15] Because it will be boring.

[41:16] It will be so boring.

Dan McCoy

[41:19] And it'll destroy Christmas.

[41:21] Now we can finally get into everyone's favorite segment.

[41:25] Yeah.

[41:26] Letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[41:29] Everyone's favorite segment is this.

[41:33] Don't boo or hiss.

[41:34] It's your favorite segment because you wrote the letters and we're going to read them.

[41:39] You should know what's in them already.

[41:41] So maybe we don't have to read them.

[41:43] We'll just answer them.

[41:44] Okay.

[41:45] Here's one with questions.

[41:46] Number one, the answer is yes.

[41:48] Number two, the answer is blue.

[41:50] Number three, the answer is no.

[41:53] Number four, the answer is you.

[41:55] The answers are there for the questions you asked so that you know what the things are now.

[42:02] Listeners for letters.

[42:03] Listen to letters as Dan reads them out loud.

[42:06] Be in the crowd.

[42:08] Out in the cloud.

[42:10] Dan reads the letters out loud.

[42:12] I think that's enough.

[42:13] The end.

[42:14] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[42:15] That's a good long one, huh?

[42:17] Yeah, it could have been longer.

[42:18] Dear Daniel, Elliot, and Stuart.

[42:20] Dear Daniel, Elliot, and Stuart.

[42:23] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] Daniel?

[42:24] Can you get my parents back together?

Dan McCoy

[42:26] Daniel, Elliot, and Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[42:29] All I want for Christmas is a family.

[42:31] No.

[42:32] Will you be mine?

[42:33] No, we have families of our own.

[42:35] Let me read.

[42:35] Is this written by a puppy?

[42:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:38] I was.

Stuart Wellington

[42:40] All right.

[42:40] Interesting.

[42:41] They changed to his native tongue after.

Dan McCoy

[42:42] He says.

[42:43] First paragraph.

[42:45] I was transcribing the Flophouse.

[42:48] His native tongue.

[42:49] I was transcribing the Flophouse into a series of meticulously detailed.

[42:53] Marble notebooks that I store in my evidence dungeon.

[42:57] When I heard Elliot mention that a movie would have been much better if it had been called

[43:01] Catch That Kid.

[43:03] This jogged.

[43:05] This jogged something deep within the recesses of my diseased mind.

[43:09] A quick IMDb search revealed that this typical bit of Flophouse bullshit was in fact an actual movie.

[43:16] Yeah, there is a movie called Catch That Kid.

[43:18] Released in 2004.

[43:19] Copyright Elliot, Galen.

[43:20] Yeah.

[43:21] Catch That Kid starred Kristen Stewart, Jennifer Beals, and Max Theroux, and is described as a family comedy crime caper about a girl and her two friends.

[43:30] Isn't he the great-great-grandson of Henry David Theroux?

[43:33] It's dispelled differently.

[43:34] Who robbed a bank to finance her cure for her dying father.

[43:38] How could this be, I wondered.

[43:40] Allowed to the headless mannequins I had seated around my dining room table.

Stuart Wellington

[43:44] There's no kid to be caught.

Dan McCoy

[43:45] Had the Flophouse inadvertently predicted the past?

[43:47] This kid is ripe for the catching.

[43:51] I never retrieved the answers I was seeking, however, because suddenly a team of FBI agents broke the door down and started shouting at me to put my hands where they could see them.

[44:00] So here I sit.

[44:02] That's Flophouse buddy investigators.

[44:03] Writing this in my cell in Erwin's Supermatch Prison, high above the Pacific Ocean.

Elliott Kalan

[44:09] Wait, Erwin's Supermatch Prison?

[44:12] Isn't she from The Hobbit or something?

[44:13] Lord of the Rings?

[44:14] Uh, no, you're totally wrong.

[44:16] Who's Erwin, then?

[44:18] He just made this up.

[44:19] Hold on.

[44:19] He says, that's no...

Dan McCoy

[44:20] Can't probably mispronounce it.

[44:21] Hold on.

[44:22] He says...

[44:23] That's so mad, yeah.

[44:24] That's nowhere spelled backwards.

[44:27] Oh.

[44:27] In the same prison featured in the John Travolta and Nicholas Tage movie Face Off.

Elliott Kalan

[44:32] Oh, right.

[44:34] With the electromagnetic boots and the Nature Channel shows.

[44:37] One last question before lights...

[44:38] And Joe Bob Briggs is in it.

Dan McCoy

[44:40] One last question before lights out.

[44:43] Is Stuart really that devastatingly handsome in person?

[44:45] Love, Jeremy, last name withheld, a.k.a.

[44:47] The Butcher of Vatican Creek Creek.

[44:49] Um...

Elliott Kalan

[44:50] Let me answer that one.

[44:51] No.

[44:52] He is a total two on Dan's scale.

[44:54] I am a two, yeah.

[44:55] He's a Selena Gomez.

[44:56] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[44:57] No, Stuart is...

[44:58] On a scale of hottie to naughty, I'm closer to naughty.

[45:00] No, no.

[45:01] You're still right.

Elliott Kalan

[45:01] Stuart's a total hottie.

[45:02] Or a TH.

Stuart Wellington

[45:03] A Don naughty.

[45:04] So, uh...

[45:05] In order of attractiveness, it goes...

[45:06] Battle Creek, does that mean you're from Michigan?

Elliott Kalan

[45:07] I am from near there.

[45:09] In order of attractiveness, it goes Stuart, then Dan is a distant second.

[45:12] And then I am an even distanter third.

[45:15] But I make up for it with my charisma and all my money bags.

[45:17] Yeah.

[45:18] Wait, are we talking about tallness?

[45:19] You've got a charisma star of 18.

[45:20] Yeah.

[45:21] What?

[45:21] Whoa, that's a plus four to his rolls.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:25] And my rolls can be anything from a 22-year-old kid just out of college to an 85-year-old

[45:31] butler with a secret to tell.

[45:34] I can play them all.

[45:36] So, casting directors, remember Elliot Kalin, Charisma 18, for your rolls.

[45:41] I hope that answers your question, whatever it was.

[45:43] So, Stuart's handsome.

[45:45] Yeah.

[45:45] He's got those crinkly things on his eyes when he smiles.

[45:48] He's like a regular Timothy Olympe.

[45:49] Rosefeets.

Stuart Wellington

[45:50] They have to wear blinders when we record the show so they don't gaze upon me and then

[45:54] have to tear their eyeballs out.

Dan McCoy

[45:56] I go, it's so beautiful.

[45:58] And then I melt.

[46:01] So, this next letter is titled, Change a Movie.

[46:07] I came up with a thought experiment.

[46:08] Can I change Getaway to something I liked?

[46:10] I came up with a thought experiment.

[46:12] Suppose you went back in time as, let's say, a movie consultant for a movie that has already

[46:17] been made in the present.

[46:19] You have the power to change whatever you want about the movie except unmaking it in some

[46:23] way.

[46:24] It's a sort of a Sound of Thunder, Butterfly Effect thing.

[46:28] What movie would you pick and what would you change a man to last name withheld?

Elliott Kalan

[46:33] Are you looking at me?

[46:35] Yeah.

[46:35] I think, I mean, this is just off the top of my head, so maybe there's a better one,

[46:38] but I would say Spider-Man 3.

[46:40] I loved Spider-Man 2.

[46:42] I liked the first Spider-Man a lot.

[46:44] I felt there was a really strong movie to be told about Spider-Man, Venom, and Peter

[46:48] Parker's becoming corrupted and losing sense of his responsibility.

[46:53] But they didn't make that movie.

[46:54] Instead, they made a Sandman, Venom mash-em-up in which there's a long sequence where James Franco

[47:01] makes an omelet and it's only vaguely saved by the Tobey Maguire dance scene.

[47:06] I love the dance scene.

[47:08] But as far as they're just making an omelet, I'm like, what is this?

[47:09] The fucking big chill?

[47:11] You're just hanging out in the kitchen?

[47:13] Just like Spider-Man comics.

[47:14] No.

[47:15] So I think off the top, I can think of a better one, but in terms of contemporary movies,

[47:19] I'd say Spider-Man 3.

Stuart Wellington

[47:21] I would probably say the one that is most obvious to me is Terminator Salvation, where I feel

[47:29] like they could have done something kind of interesting by focusing on the idea of a Terminator that

[47:35] thinks he's a man in a post-apocalyptic future.

[47:39] And then they threw in, like, they shoehorned.

[47:41] It felt like the John Connor, Christian Bale plot was very shoehorned in, and I felt they

[47:47] could have made an interesting little self-contained movie with the Sam Worthington stuff, which

[47:51] is weird that I would be pro-Sam Worthington over Christian Bale.

[47:55] Yeah.

[47:55] Very surprised.

[47:56] But I don't know.

[47:57] I think it could have been more interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[47:59] Or you know what?

[47:59] I'd make a separation, but like as a wacky comedy.

[48:02] Mm-hmm.

[48:02] Ah.

[48:03] You know, and at the end, there's like a chase scene through a car wash.

[48:06] Anyway, Dan, you were going to say?

[48:08] Yeah, we've been pretty genuine.

[48:10] You should throw in some jokes.

[48:11] Yeah.

[48:12] I mean, the separation thing was the joke.

Dan McCoy

[48:14] I would remake Wild Orgy 2, 2 Shades of Blue.

[48:16] Wait, that was a joke?

[48:17] Like, I feel like they could go 3, 4, even 5 Shades of Blue.

Elliott Kalan

[48:21] There you go.

[48:22] The classic Dan joke.

[48:23] If it's going to be about a softcore film that played on HBO late at night when he was

[48:27] a kid, it's Dan McCoy.

[48:28] Somebody had a slide whistle on the door.

[48:30] Boo!

[48:34] Boing!

[48:35] So.

[48:37] It's interesting that the first movie that comes to mind is like a big budget superhero

[48:40] action movie.

[48:41] I'm sure I can think of like a really worthwhile movie that I would have made somewhat of a

[48:45] change to, but the ones that I get really mad at are that where they seem like eminently

[48:50] they could have been better is the eminently changeable is the superhero movies or the big

[48:54] budget movies.

Stuart Wellington

[48:55] It's because you and I have sat around daydreaming of our superhero fantasy projects.

[49:01] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:01] Our Spider-Man Hobbit crossover film.

[49:04] I feel like what a porthole.

Dan McCoy

[49:07] Also, I feel like probably.

Elliott Kalan

[49:09] If the X-Men could meet Star Trek, then this could happen too.

[49:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:11] Probably it's less that you want to like second guess something and more that like, I don't

[49:16] know, like if I had these like magic movie powers, maybe I would want to see the Magnificent

[49:22] Ambersons as Orson Welles wanted it to be.

[49:26] Well, that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[49:27] If it's something like that, then there are any number of projects that either were mangled,

[49:31] not...

[49:31] Is that The Thief of Baghdad?

[49:33] What's that?

Stuart Wellington

[49:35] That anime movie by the guy who did...

[49:37] Oh, The Cobbler and the...

[49:38] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[49:39] That's what I was talking about.

[49:40] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[49:40] Or something like that and The Thief.

[49:42] Yeah.

[49:42] Or like, I was reading a book recently about...

[49:45] A book from 1972 about Hollywood in the 60s.

[49:49] And it briefly mentioned the concept that would never go off the ground of a Custer movie

[49:54] made by Akira Kurosawa.

[49:56] And I was like, I've never heard of this before.

[49:58] If I have, I forgot about it.

[50:00] And it boggles...

[50:01] He could make an amazing General Custer's Last Stand movie, Akira Kurosawa, and it never

[50:06] got made.

[50:06] And like, I would love to see something like that.

[50:09] Like, there's a number of movies that never got made that I wish I could use powers to get

[50:12] them made, you know.

[50:14] Terry Gilliam's Don Jody.

Stuart Wellington

[50:15] Your natural drive to push them forward.

Dan McCoy

[50:18] And day at the United Nations or whatever, the Marx Brothers Billy Wilder project was going

[50:23] to be.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] Yeah, it probably wasn't going to be that good.

Dan McCoy

[50:25] I'd like to see it.

Elliott Kalan

[50:26] I'd like to see it, sure.

Dan McCoy

[50:29] So moving on to the next letter.

[50:32] I have one question that's been burrowing into my brain in the desperate hopes you would...

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] Like some kind of brain worm.

[50:39] Yep, like some kind of brain drain.

Dan McCoy

[50:41] Yeah, some sort of Elmer.

[50:43] In the desperate hopes that you would return...

[50:45] Like the glue?

[50:46] ...and answer.

[50:47] But alas, you have not.

[50:49] Did Stuart ever redeem his $1 IOU from Dan following the Devil Inside download fiasco?

[50:55] And if so, what did he spend the money on?

[50:58] I'd like to believe it went to support a Kickstarter campaign to finally give the Invisible Maniac

[51:02] the rich Criterion Edition Blu-ray release it so richly deserves...

Stuart Wellington

[51:06] I tried to, but it didn't meet its minimum funding goal.

[51:09] Yours in floppy, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] And the minimum funding goal is like $57.

Dan McCoy

[51:11] Blake, last name withheld.

[51:13] Blake Lively.

[51:14] If I recall...

[51:15] Oh, Blake Lively, you're beautiful.

[51:17] If I recall, Elliot bought that marker off of Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[51:21] I think I did, yeah.

[51:22] No, I thought I bought it off of Elliot.

[51:24] Maybe Stuart bought it off of me.

[51:25] No, I think Stuart bought it off of me.

[51:26] Yeah.

[51:26] Because he wanted power over you.

Stuart Wellington

[51:28] Mm-hmm.

[51:28] So I could hold it over Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] Yeah.

[51:30] Literally, you held it over his head like mistletoe and then kissed him.

Dan McCoy

[51:34] I think that there was a...

Stuart Wellington

[51:35] He has the power a dollar buys me as Dan kisses.

[51:41] Yeah.

[51:41] We all know what you are, Dan.

[51:42] We're just negotiating over the price now.

[51:44] I don't know what I did with that dollar.

[51:45] I could have done so many things.

[51:47] Spent it on luxuries, glamorous ladies.

[51:51] I like to believe...

Elliott Kalan

[51:52] Delicious meals.

[51:53] I like to believe you decided to be a good Samaritan, a philanthropist,

[51:57] and you dropped it in a homeless man's cup and said,

[51:59] Sure.

[51:59] Collect on this.

Stuart Wellington

[52:00] And that homeless man looked at the brown bagged liquor bottle he was holding

[52:04] and poured it out on the street.

[52:06] Because now he knew he had a future.

[52:07] Yeah.

[52:08] And now he's living on Dan's couch.

[52:10] He saw Stuart give him money.

Elliott Kalan

[52:12] I've seen everything.

[52:15] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[52:16] That's it.

[52:17] So what happened?

[52:18] See you later, Dan.

[52:20] I think that I just paid Stuart a dollar.

Elliott Kalan

[52:22] That sounds about right.

[52:24] Yeah, so...

[52:25] I'll buy that for a dollar.

[52:27] Continue to the next letter, Dan.

[52:29] Hey, guys.

[52:30] Hey.

[52:31] What's up?

[52:31] Is this the letter or are you just saying hey?

[52:32] Hey, guys.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] We've been talking for like almost an hour.

[52:36] I just started listening to the podcast.

[52:38] You're welcome.

[52:39] Thanks for listening.

[52:40] And it has rapidly become one of my favorite things in the entire world.

[52:43] Oh, that's sweet.

[52:44] Thank you very much.

[52:45] However.

[52:45] Oh, boy.

[52:46] Here it comes.

[52:46] The Roger Ebert Memorial episode desperately needed a woman to defend the sexy

[52:51] sexiness of Gary Oldman and the Scarlet Letter.

[52:54] And pretty much every movie starring Gary Oldman in the 90s.

[52:57] Even like Romeo was bleeding?

[52:59] I was about a naive...

[52:59] He doesn't have long hair in that one.

[53:01] Yeah.

[53:01] I was but a naive teenager when I first saw The Professional, the movie that made me realize

[53:06] what movies could be.

[53:07] Gary Oldman deeply affected my soul.

[53:09] And when I discovered the nude scene in the Letter movie, my world was changed.

Elliott Kalan

[53:13] Then I saw him in the fifth element.

[53:14] Utterly.

[53:14] He was stunning.

[53:15] With his plastic on his head and everything.

Dan McCoy

[53:18] Never again would I look fondly on the 15-year-old boys in my high school classes because I knew

[53:24] what a real man was.

[53:25] To this day, I'd watch anything he was in, including tiptoes.

[53:29] Fucking tiptoes.

[53:31] Love and thanks.

[53:31] I mean, I want to see tiptoes.

[53:32] Jen, last name with help.

Stuart Wellington

[53:35] Well, Jen, we were actually talking during the movie about the types of actors or actresses

[53:39] that we had crushes on mainly actresses when we were 14 or 15.

[53:43] Yeah, I can't remember having...

Elliott Kalan

[53:44] Not that there would be a problem with it.

[53:45] You didn't have a crush on Gary Oldman is what you're saying.

[53:47] Not on Gary Oldman.

[53:47] I'm Gary Youngman.

[53:50] Wow.

[53:50] Okay.

[53:50] The baby version of Gary Oldman.

[53:52] From Jim Henson's Gary Oldman Babies.

[53:55] Anyway, yeah.

[53:56] We actually were talking about the actresses we had crushes on when we were like adolescents.

[54:01] And Dan and I...

Stuart Wellington

[54:02] You guys had some similarities.

[54:04] A lot of crossover.

Elliott Kalan

[54:04] Yeah.

[54:05] Well, I was a big...

[54:05] Not to be overly sexist or anything.

[54:07] I had a big Christina Ricci crush.

[54:08] Sure.

[54:08] Daniela Winona Ryder crush.

[54:09] I also had a thing from Winona Ryder.

Dan McCoy

[54:11] You know, your big-eyed, dark-haired...

[54:13] Dark-haired girls.

[54:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:16] Achievable girl-next-door types.

[54:17] I don't think that's true.

[54:18] But the ones who had something kind of gothy about them.

[54:20] Super hot.

[54:21] Sure.

[54:21] You know?

Elliott Kalan

[54:21] Mixed-up daddy issues, et cetera.

[54:23] Because when I was that age and into my college years, I thought that gothy, punky girls

[54:27] were the kind of girls that I was into.

[54:28] But it turns out, I don't get along with them that well.

[54:32] Well, I mean, it's more...

[54:35] Not to make a blanket statement.

[54:36] Not to make a blanket statement.

[54:38] Since I'm still friends with plenty of punky girls, but...

[54:40] But I feel like Gary Oldman deserves...

[54:43] Dan, you had a big crush on what?

[54:44] Like Gerard Depardieu?

Stuart Wellington

[54:45] Why are you saying Dan looking at me?

[54:46] Sorry.

[54:47] I'm going to say Stuart.

[54:49] Yeah, I totally had a big crush on Gerard Depardieu.

[54:52] I'm like, could you make a man out of mashed potatoes that I could lick all the delicious

[54:56] potato juice off?

Elliott Kalan

[54:57] I wish he was my father, the hero.

[54:59] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[55:01] Wait, but then, wait a minute.

[55:03] If I had a crush on him, why would I want him to be my dad?

[55:06] Look, I don't know what was going on in your fucked up mind.

[55:09] So, Stuart, who did you have a crush on?

[55:10] That was the thing, is that I don't...

[55:13] Maybe I have difficulty putting myself back in the shoes of a 14-year-old Stuart.

[55:18] Maybe it's because those shoes would be really small right now.

[55:21] But I always remember having crushes on older women.

[55:26] Mainly chesty, topless women from movies.

[55:28] So, like Bea Arthur.

[55:29] Yeah, mainly Bea Arthur's.

Dan McCoy

[55:31] Bea Arthur's?

[55:32] The clone army.

[55:33] Like your chesty LaRouge, your...

[55:35] Your busty Morgans.

Stuart Wellington

[55:37] Yeah, yeah.

[55:37] Your Boobie McShane's.

[55:38] Mainly the woman who takes her dress down at the beginning of Repossessed, starring Leslie

[55:43] Nielsen.

[55:44] Okay.

[55:44] The Exorcist parody.

[55:45] Well, I mean, I don't remember the name of the...

[55:46] That's basically...

[55:47] Is that a crush?

[55:48] That's the standard of the group.

[55:48] I don't remember the name of the...

[55:49] Is that an actual crush?

[55:50] I have watched that movie so many times.

Elliott Kalan

[55:52] Did you have an emotional connection to this woman?

[55:54] Yes, I did.

Stuart Wellington

[55:55] I don't remember the name of the lead actress in...

[55:56] I watched her from afar and up close when I got close to the TV screen.

Elliott Kalan

[55:59] I don't remember the name of the lead actress in Just One of the Guys, but she was also

[56:02] someone I had a crush on.

[56:03] Yeah, totally.

[56:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:04] That was the first boobie I ever saw, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[56:06] Why are you looking at me weird?

[56:07] No, I'm not.

[56:08] I understand everyone.

[56:10] I think every gentleman of a certain age...

Stuart Wellington

[56:13] You're a Cheetara.

[56:14] Cheetara, the first woman I ever saw nude.

Dan McCoy

[56:17] I would just like to say...

[56:18] I appreciate this letter from a lady listener because when I...

[56:25] I get a real kick out of any letter that objectifies any man in any way because it makes

[56:32] me feel less gross as a man myself.

Elliott Kalan

[56:34] Because you realize there aren't just pervazoids.

[56:36] There's pervizinas.

[56:37] Yeah.

[56:37] I thought it was pervizets.

[56:39] Oh, pervizets could work too.

Stuart Wellington

[56:40] Pervizinas sound more Eastern European than I'm comfortable with.

Elliott Kalan

[56:45] Well, pervizinas are pervizets that I've seen a little bit too much.

[56:47] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[56:47] Thank you, pervizets.

[56:49] Please.

Elliott Kalan

[56:50] Perv on.

[56:50] And brought to you by Percocet.

[56:52] The choice of pervizets.

[56:58] Is it?

[57:00] I'm not one of them.

[57:01] The official fucking drug.

[57:03] The official drug of pervizets.

[57:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:06] All right.

[57:06] Well, this last letter of the letter segment.

[57:10] Yeah, I'm all right.

[57:11] It's titled, I have based my life on your teachings.

[57:15] Oh, boy.

[57:16] And it goes on.

[57:17] I've seen Head of the Family a lot.

[57:19] And I find myself.

Stuart Wellington

[57:19] Kill people with submarine sandwiches.

Dan McCoy

[57:21] And I find myself, as they say in Britain, a young man without prospects.

[57:25] Uh-oh.

[57:26] But my question is, if the three of you could appear in any one of these three sequels, which

[57:31] would you choose?

Elliott Kalan

[57:32] Appear like we were actors or we were transported to the world in the movies?

Dan McCoy

[57:36] You can choose however you...

[57:37] Okay.

[57:38] Number one, Head of the Family 2, even more head.

[57:41] Number two, Invisible Maniac 2, T-O-O.

[57:46] Number three, Castle Freak 2, The Freaking.

[57:49] That's from Sweet Pea Garfunkel.

Elliott Kalan

[57:52] I imagine Stuart being in Castle Freak 2 and forcing the Castle Freak at gunpoint to rip

[57:57] his ding-dong off.

[57:58] It's going to happen in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[58:00] Well, the thing also about Castle Freak is similar to a lot of actors.

[58:03] I would probably pick that movie because it's being shot in a castle in lovely Eastern Europe.

[58:07] Yeah.

[58:08] Which, I mean, come on.

[58:09] Like, I get a free trip to Europe?

[58:10] Why not?

Dan McCoy

[58:11] You get to work with Stuart Gordon?

Stuart Wellington

[58:13] Yeah.

[58:13] That would be amazing.

[58:14] But I would imagine if it's a sequel, I'd probably be working with Brian Yosna, which

[58:18] would still be amazing.

Dan McCoy

[58:19] It would still be cool.

[58:20] Sure.

[58:20] Yeah.

[58:21] Dan, what about you?

[58:22] I think I would choose Head of the Family 2 in the hopes that Jacqueline Lovell would...

[58:28] Would rise or roll.

Stuart Wellington

[58:30] I think I'd do Invisible Maniac 2.

[58:31] And I'd like to find out what happened to Myron, how he got all through the house burning

[58:36] down and whatnot.

Elliott Kalan

[58:37] Because I love movies that have T-O-O in the title instead of the number two.

[58:41] Sure.

[58:41] And also, because finally I could achieve my dream of killing someone with a submarine

[58:45] sandwich.

Stuart Wellington

[58:46] Interesting.

[58:47] Would you be like the student of the Invisible Maniac?

[58:50] Like he whispers in your ear and tells you what to do?

Elliott Kalan

[58:51] I think it's going to be like Zapped 2, where I find his formula hidden in a wall somewhere.

[58:57] Okay.

[58:57] And then I use it to do basically the same stuff that they did in the first movie.

[59:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[59:02] Yeah.

[59:03] To wreak some extra Zapped on the universe.

[59:06] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:07] Now, they never made Zapped 3 Oblivion.

[59:10] But, you know, I guess that was in the makings.

[59:12] And I think Neil Jordan was going to make it.

Stuart Wellington

[59:14] It's where they would choose Oblivion, because Oblivion lends itself naturally to a fourth.

[59:18] To a fourth.

Elliott Kalan

[59:18] No, no.

[59:18] Like Phantasm 4 Oblivion.

[59:19] They were trying to break the rules of Oblivion.

[59:23] Actually, it's called...

[59:24] It's like the movie Oblivion with Tom Cruise, which is the fourth movie.

[59:26] With Tom Cruise.

[59:27] Yeah.

[59:28] It's called Zapped 3 The Search for Spock.

Dan McCoy

[59:31] So, this is the last segment of the show.

Elliott Kalan

[59:34] Oh, so sad.

[59:34] It's like the end of Saturday Night Live, where they're all dancing with the music.

[59:37] And they're like, good night, everybody.

[59:38] Ding, ding, ding.

Stuart Wellington

[59:39] And they're hugging, and you're like, they probably have a lot of fun times together.

Elliott Kalan

[59:42] They're hugging with the credits, and it's like they're saying to you, we're having a fun

[59:45] party that you're not invited to.

Stuart Wellington

[59:47] You're sitting on your couch and wondering where your night went.

[59:49] You could watch.

[59:50] You could be hugging Bono right now.

Elliott Kalan

[59:52] You're 14 years old and it's Saturday Night, and you don't have any friends.

[59:56] We have lots of friends.

[59:57] Look at this.

[59:57] I'm hugging the star of some TV show you don't watch.

[1:00:00] You could have been hanging out with girls and doing all kinds of drugs.

[1:00:04] Yeah.

[1:00:04] But nope.

[1:00:05] Instead, you're not at SNL.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:07] But this segment is less cool than that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:10] We recommend stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:11] This is a segment where we recommend movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:13] How many things you can do with your Saturday nights, dudes?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:16] This is a segment where we recommend a movie...

[1:00:18] Well, watch SNCC, I guess, right?

[1:00:19] That you might like to watch.

[1:00:21] Unlike Getaway.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:23] I think Pinwheel's on at that point.

[1:00:24] Yeah, yeah.

[1:00:25] Pinwheel After Dark.

[1:00:26] Sure.

[1:00:26] Oh, no.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] Is there a movie you would like to recommend, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:31] Yeah, I'm going to recommend a little-known movie to give it a little bit of support.

[1:00:35] It's called The Hobbit, The Desolation of Smaug.

[1:00:39] Smaug.

[1:00:40] Smaug.

[1:00:41] Smaug.

[1:00:41] I didn't say Smeowg.

[1:00:43] It's me, Smeowg.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] The cat dragon.

[1:00:46] Like the bad guy in the Smax comic?

[1:00:49] Yeah.

[1:00:49] It's true.

[1:00:50] Also my go-to reference for a cat dragon.

[1:00:52] What if he fought the dog luck dragon from The NeverEnding Story?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:55] Well, I think the dragon from Smax would win because it's like a giant nuclear bomb.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:00] Because he has like magic number powers.

[1:01:02] Yeah.

[1:01:02] Fractal and whatnot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:03] So I'm going to recommend the latest Hobbit movie.

[1:01:07] I am...

[1:01:08] Well, it's tough because I love it.

[1:01:10] It falls into the Only God Forgives category for me because it's a movie that I love.

[1:01:15] There's a lot of scenes of Ryan Gosling looking at stuff.

[1:01:17] Exactly.

[1:01:18] And I have a very deep relationship with these movies.

[1:01:21] And I don't know if anyone else actually would enjoy it as much as me.

[1:01:26] But just there's moments in the movie that give me actual like joy laughter.

[1:01:33] Which there's very few movies that come out nowadays that actually do that for me.

[1:01:37] Yeah, that break through your hardened exterior.

[1:01:38] I'll just say something.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:39] I watched it with Stuart.

[1:01:41] I did not like Only God Forgives.

[1:01:43] And both of you liked it.

[1:01:45] I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] You didn't watch it with us in a theater full of film students.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:49] Yeah.

[1:01:49] And I also did not like the first Hobbit movie despite loving all of the Lord of the Rings

[1:01:54] movie.

[1:01:55] Which I still love.

[1:01:56] But I really had a good time with Desolation of Smaug with Stu.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:01] Yeah, I mean I've...

[1:02:02] So you recommend seeing the movie with Stuart?

[1:02:03] Yeah, I recommend hanging out with him.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:06] I'll grab their arm.

[1:02:07] I'll tell you stories.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:08] You totally grab my arm a lot of the time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:10] We'll get a fire going.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:13] I'm going to recommend a movie that...

[1:02:17] Instead of Getaway, why don't you watch The Getaway?

[1:02:22] The Sam Peckinpah movie.

[1:02:24] The first one.

[1:02:25] Starring, yeah.

[1:02:26] It's a big distinction.

[1:02:27] Steve McQueen.

[1:02:28] Yeah.

[1:02:29] And I'll tell you something.

[1:02:30] Starring Yasmin Bleeth and Dustin Diamond.

[1:02:32] I'll be totally honest with you.

[1:02:33] I don't remember a shitload about this movie.

[1:02:37] But I remember that I liked it.

[1:02:39] And I remember that it was a movie called The Getaway.

[1:02:43] Wow.

[1:02:43] That was good.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] What's Steve McQueen's character's name?

[1:02:48] So what do they do in the movie?

[1:02:50] They get away from something.

[1:02:54] From something.

[1:02:55] So it could be anything.

[1:02:56] It could be a giant spider.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:57] Could be an epidemic.

[1:02:59] It could be a bad marriage.

[1:03:00] I've seen a shit ton of movies in my time.

[1:03:03] I just remember that this was a good one.

[1:03:05] That's what I got to say.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:06] I feel bad that I remember scenes from the shitty The Getaway remake with Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin.

[1:03:13] Mostly the fucking like...

[1:03:14] The nude scenes, yeah.

[1:03:15] I remember those way better.

[1:03:16] And the James Wood scenes.

[1:03:18] The nude scenes.

[1:03:19] Yeah, the new James Wood scenes.

[1:03:21] It's like some kind of iguana is naked.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:25] It's weird.

[1:03:27] I haven't seen any movies recently that I really liked a lot.

[1:03:31] And so to make up for that and to make up for Dan's basically just giving you the name of a movie and no other information,

[1:03:37] I think I'm going to recommend three movies.

[1:03:41] Hold on to your hats.

[1:03:42] First, this was a bad car chase movie.

[1:03:45] You know what was a good car chase movie?

[1:03:46] Ronin, directed by John Frankenheimer.

[1:03:48] It's a strange little movie in that the plot is deliberately opaque.

[1:03:52] It's a bunch of people who are supposed to steal a thing.

[1:03:55] You don't really find out what the thing is.

[1:03:56] You don't find out a lot about the people.

[1:03:58] But there's a certain stylish coolness to it.

[1:04:03] It's one of the last movies where Robert De Niro seemed to give a shit about what he was doing.

[1:04:07] And the car chases in it are fantastic.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:11] I saw that movie in college with my college roommate.

[1:04:13] And when the first shot of niece comes up on the screen, but before they actually have, you know,

[1:04:19] they give you where it takes place, they say niece at the bottom of the screen.

[1:04:22] I just remember him in a very stoned drawl saying, nice.

[1:04:28] And then it came up on the screen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:30] It was pretty amazing.

[1:04:31] Well, but anyway, there's good car chases in that.

[1:04:33] I'm going to recommend another Sam Peckinpah movie that I may have recommended before, but I'm not sure if I did, called The Ballad of Cable Hogue,

[1:04:40] which is kind of a light comedy drama with Jason Robards as a drifter in the Old West who discovers a watering hole out in the desert and turns it into a little business.

[1:04:50] And it's surprisingly sweet for a Sam Peckinpah movie.

[1:04:54] There's a lot of wistfulness to it.

[1:04:55] And there's a fantastic scene where he sees the female lead.

[1:04:59] I can't remember her name.

[1:05:00] I'm talking my head.

[1:05:00] I apologize.

[1:05:01] The female leads cleavage.

[1:05:03] She's a prostitute in town that he falls in love with.

[1:05:06] And he and then he's kind of like almost dazed by it.

[1:05:09] And they're saying goodbye.

[1:05:10] And flashes of the image of her cleavage are kind of not quick enough to be subliminal but not long enough to be full shots flashing on the screen as he sees her walk away.

[1:05:19] And it's such a brilliant capturing of what it's like when you catch a glimpse of a woman's cleavage briefly, like where it's just popping up in your mind a lot.

[1:05:28] Like there's something very honest about that moment but also funny that I really like and didn't expect from a Sam Peckinpah movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:35] And you said there was like a great car chase in that movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:38] There is not.

[1:05:38] A character does get run over by a car but it's not a car chase.

[1:05:42] So Ronan is the car chase movie.

[1:05:45] The Ballad of Cable Hogue is the Sam Peckinpah movie.

[1:05:48] And then I'll recommend just a movie that's about as far away from Getaway as I can possibly get, which is the 1940 film version of Our Town with William Holden, which is Our Town if you're not familiar.

[1:06:03] It's a fantastic play about kind of life, death, and the eternal qualities of human existence as shown in a very tiny turn-of-the-century American town.

[1:06:13] And it's very beautifully done and they actually change the ending from the play a little bit but in a way that works very well for the movie.

[1:06:21] And it's just a really good movie and I think it's in the public domain so you can buy like probably like a $3 video cassette of it.

[1:06:27] So Our Town.

[1:06:27] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:28] You can play it in your $40 video cassette play.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:31] Go back in town.

[1:06:32] Go back in time and get a VCR.

[1:06:35] Go to the general store.

[1:06:36] So Ronan, The Ballad of Cable Hogue, and Our Town.

[1:06:39] If you can't find a movie that you like in one of those three, then I don't know if we can be friends.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:43] Or Dan or my recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:45] Yeah.

[1:06:46] Come on.

[1:06:46] I'm just saying I ran the gamut, buddy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:48] In theaters now.

[1:06:49] Our Town.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:50] No, yours.

[1:06:50] Yours is the only recommendation that's in theaters now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:53] Then get over there and watch that shit, dude.

[1:06:54] It's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:55] It's got a fucking dragon in it, man.

[1:06:57] The dragon fucks?

[1:06:58] No.

[1:07:00] In a way.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:01] It's hard for me to put into words.

[1:07:02] So it's been a great year, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:05] It has.

[1:07:05] This is our last episode of 2013.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:08] And let's just say, what were you going to say, Stuart?

[1:07:10] I was going to thank everybody for listening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:12] Yeah, thank you.

[1:07:12] 2013, I feel like, is a year we exploded in terms of listenership.

[1:07:16] Ow.

[1:07:17] Oh, God.

[1:07:17] That's terrible.

[1:07:18] No, but I was looking at our numbers of downloads.

[1:07:22] And from the beginning of the year to now, it's been a real big shoot up into the stratosphere.

[1:07:28] I want to thank all our listeners.

[1:07:29] And I want to thank the AV Club, Parade Magazine, Entertainment Weekly for all supporting us.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:35] And most importantly, you want to thank us.

[1:07:38] Yeah.

[1:07:39] The other guys in the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:40] No, no.

[1:07:40] I don't want to thank you guys.

[1:07:41] Oh, wait a minute.

[1:07:42] No.

[1:07:42] Thanks, Stuart and Dan, for putting this podcast together so I could jump on it and propel it to stardom.

[1:07:49] Yep.

[1:07:49] Yeah.

[1:07:50] But thanks to the listeners for pushing us and really supporting us.

[1:07:52] It was like Carl.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:53] You're like fucking Urkel.

[1:07:55] Yeah.

[1:07:55] Come on.

[1:07:56] You're the breakout character.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:57] Yep.

[1:07:58] Yep.

[1:07:58] And I was, it's like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:00] You're like, yeah, you're fucking Urkel, the character from Family Splatters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:05] The porno version of that show.

[1:08:09] I don't know.

[1:08:10] Carl wins blow.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:12] Hot Carl wins blow.

[1:08:14] Yeah.

[1:08:14] You guys are grossing me out, so I think we need to shut it down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:17] So, Dan, do you want to thank the listeners for anything?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:19] Eh, sure.

[1:08:21] Thanks for listening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:22] Thanks for listening and supporting us.

[1:08:24] We've got a lot of great boosters out there, and it's meant a lot to us.

[1:08:27] Okay, so.

[1:08:27] 2013's been a big year.

[1:08:28] 2014's going to be even bigger.

[1:08:31] Double-size episodes.

[1:08:33] Super-size episodes.

[1:08:34] Flophouse in the Isles.

[1:08:36] Flophouse live tour.

[1:08:37] Those things will not happen.

[1:08:40] But we'll have some stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:42] Yeah.

[1:08:42] No, no.

[1:08:42] I try.

[1:08:43] I very much appreciate the way that we've blown up.

[1:08:48] All based on fans.

[1:08:51] I don't think that we've actually, like...

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:54] What about all the money we spent to blow up?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] Yeah, that's the thing.

[1:08:56] We have not...

[1:08:57] No, we just bought a lot of fireworks.

[1:08:58] We have not pushed...

[1:08:58] All the TNT.

[1:08:59] We have no publishers.

[1:09:00] We have not pushed ourselves out in the media.

[1:09:04] But I think the fans have really pushed us out there.

[1:09:07] And thank you all for listening.

[1:09:09] And I appreciate it.

[1:09:11] And I hope that 2014's even better.

[1:09:15] So we should probably sign on.

[1:09:16] Let's not get crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:17] For the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:09:21] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:22] And not forgetting my name, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:09:24] Good night, everybody.

[1:09:25] Good night.

[1:09:30] There's a new trend among young people.

[1:09:33] Mic knocking.

[1:09:34] They find someone named Mike and they knock him over.

[1:09:36] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:38] Just when you thought your microphones were safe, tune in at 10 to find out what might be happening with teens.

[1:09:42] Where are your microphones?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:44] Film at 11.

[1:09:46] All right.

[1:09:47] It's 10 o'clock.

[1:09:48] Do you know where your microphone is?

[1:09:50] Has it been knocked?

[1:09:52] Let me explain what that would be, though.

[1:09:54] Knock, knock.

[1:09:54] Who's there?

[1:09:55] A microphone that's not standing up anymore.

[1:09:58] Hi.

[1:09:58] I'm Brent Dilby.

[1:10:00] Channel 19 investigative news.

[1:10:04] And Dilby's got them.

[1:10:06] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[1:10:08] Woo!

[1:10:09] Turn on Dilby's got them.

[1:10:11] Mic knocking.

[1:10:12] It's afflicting microphones across the station.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:13] So my microphone was pointed at my mouth for a minute.

[1:10:17] Then Dan just knocked it aside.

[1:10:18] We talked to Jethro.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:19] Oh, wait.

[1:10:19] He just did it again.

[1:10:20] We talked to Jethro Scoob of the local radio station.

[1:10:25] Now, Mr. Scoob, do you know who knocked your mic?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:28] It was Dan.

[1:10:29] He was right there.

[1:10:30] He's looking at me right now.

[1:10:31] All right.

[1:10:32] Let's end.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:34] Improv exercise.

[1:10:36] Over.

The Flop House: Episode #142 - Getaway

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description