The Flop House: Episode #145 - R.I.P.D.

Dan McCoy

[0:00] It's the return of the Kalin as we discuss R.I.P.D.

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:34] Hey guys, how are you doing?

[0:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:38] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] And I'm Hallie Haglund.

[0:39] Wait, no, wait, no I'm not.

[0:41] I'm Elliot Kalin.

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] Elliot's back.

[0:44] That was probably your worst impression I've ever heard.

Elliott Kalan

[0:47] I'll try that. Hold on, hold on.

[0:49] Hello, it's me, Hallie Haglund.

[0:51] Perfect.

[0:52] Let me close my eyes.

[0:53] Okay, hold on, hold on this.

[0:54] Um, hi, I'm Hallie, I'm a girl.

[0:59] Sorry, that's pretty close.

[1:01] Kitty cats and puppy dogs, tea parties, princess unicorn.

Dan McCoy

[1:05] That's what girls sound like.

[1:06] Good stuff.

[1:07] Anyway, yeah, I'm back.

[1:08] Yeah.

[1:09] Bitches?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09] Should I have that much attitude?

Dan McCoy

[1:12] No.

[1:12] So, Elliot, we've made a few changes in your absence.

[1:15] Uh-oh, yeah, I've been gone for a month.

[1:17] To the format.

[1:17] Now this is about, this is called...

[1:19] You've been on assignment?

Elliott Kalan

[1:20] Well, I've been on assignment as a father.

[1:23] You've been on a mission to Moscow.

[1:25] If by Moscow you mean parenthood, and by mission you mean life change.

[1:29] Mm-hmm.

[1:30] And by two you mean...

[1:31] But you look great, man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:31] Your hair is super long.

[1:33] Yeah, yeah.

[1:34] Like a wild man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34] Yeah, I'm like Thor.

[1:35] Just flowing locks.

[1:36] Yeah.

[1:38] That's what happens.

[1:39] You're like Thor.

[1:39] A helmet with tiny wings?

[1:41] And I got a...

Dan McCoy

[1:42] It's more of a mercury if you look for a helmet with...

Elliott Kalan

[1:45] I got a magic hammer and also a baby.

Dan McCoy

[1:49] Okay.

[1:50] Just like Thor.

[1:51] Just don't confuse them because that would be...

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] Oh, I already swung my baby around and tried to fly with it.

[1:57] Didn't work.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] But no, there's been a slight format change.

[2:00] We're now known as the fruit house.

[2:01] We're going to talk about our favorite fruits.

[2:03] Gotta go.

[2:03] Oranges.

[2:04] Not interested.

Stuart Wellington

[2:06] No, come back.

[2:07] It was a bit.

[2:12] Well, Stuart.

[2:13] He's really using all the space.

[2:14] That's what I liked about that bit.

[2:15] There was some foley work there where I opened and slammed a door.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] I don't know if you heard it.

[2:19] Uh-oh.

[2:20] I'll just warm myself by the fire.

[2:22] Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle.

Stuart Wellington

[2:23] There's a ghost over there.

[2:25] Boogans, boogans.

[2:25] Chain rattle, chain rattle.

[2:28] Dan, come on.

[2:29] Do a joke.

[2:29] You're drinking.

[2:30] And there's a lion.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] Lion sound.

[2:32] Roar.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] MGM.

[2:34] Yeah, that's his lions yell.

[2:37] They yell MGM.

[2:39] Metro, Golden, Meyer, whatever.

[2:41] No, no, no, and no.

[2:43] That's why I threw whatever in there to cover my ass.

[2:46] Yeah, you're right.

[2:47] I forgot.

[2:47] It's because I don't care, man.

[2:48] I'm a teen.

Elliott Kalan

[2:49] I forgot you covered that with the whatever clause.

[2:51] Mr. Gordon Mercury.

[2:54] That stands for Mr., huh?

[2:56] Okay.

[2:57] It's gender specific.

Dan McCoy

[3:02] My grandma's meatloaf.

[3:04] Hey.

[3:05] An MGM production.

[3:06] What's going on?

[3:07] Hey, guys.

[3:09] Real talk.

[3:10] Okay.

[3:11] Before we get into the movie of the week, or the two weeks.

[3:16] Which is what we do here at the Flop House.

[3:18] Here at the Flop House.

Stuart Wellington

[3:19] We do a movie every two weeks.

Elliott Kalan

[3:20] We watch a movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:22] Is the movie bad?

[3:23] Usually.

Dan McCoy

[3:24] Yeah.

[3:24] An allegedly bad movie, and we talk about it.

[3:26] Before we get into it, we should take a trip to Moneytopia.

[3:34] Really?

[3:35] That's the extent of the welcome that I got before we go to the sponsor spot?

[3:37] Yeah.

[3:38] Well, we missed you, Elliot.

[3:40] I missed you guys, too.

[3:41] I mean, I see you every day at work, so it really hasn't been like we've been there.

Stuart Wellington

[3:45] I see you every day on my phone when I look at pictures that Dan posts from work.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Okay.

[3:49] So it's like you're hanging out with me.

[3:51] Yeah.

[3:52] I talk to my phone.

[3:53] Well, guys, I missed not being here for the last couple episodes.

[3:56] I was sad about it, but now I'm back, so thank you.

[3:58] Thanks to the fans for sticking with us through that dark period when I wasn't on the show.

[4:03] Anyway, so we're going to Moneytopia, you said?

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Mm-hmm.

[4:05] Let's do a little sponsor spot for one of our new sponsors.

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] Want me to take care of this spot for you?

[4:11] Yeah.

[4:12] Out.

[4:12] Out, damn spot.

[4:14] Out of my mouth, that is.

[4:15] And here we go.

[4:16] Pro Flowers.

[4:17] Tell you what.

[4:18] That's the sponsor, and I'll tell you why you need them.

[4:20] Valentine's Day is coming up.

[4:22] Uh-oh.

[4:23] You already forgot.

[4:24] I already did.

[4:24] Your loved one, be it man, woman, fish, or fowl, would like some flowers.

[4:29] You know why?

[4:30] Because flowers are a great way to say, I love you.

[4:33] Let's watch something die together.

[4:36] Here's the offer from Flo Flowers.

[4:39] Here's the offer from Flo Flowers.

[4:41] You get one dozen-

[4:41] Can we switch bodies?

[4:42] Can we both pee in a fountain at the same time?

[4:43] Suddenly I can't talk right.

[4:45] I must be Dan.

[4:46] Here's their offer.

[4:47] Get one dozen long stem assorted roses with a vase and gourmet chocolates for only $29.99.

[4:53] That's crazy.

[4:54] That is a good price for flowers, I'll tell you.

[4:56] Or double the roses.

[4:57] Double the roses.

[4:58] That's two dozen roses.

[4:59] 24.

[5:00] Long.

[5:00] How long are the stems?

[5:02] Long.

[5:02] They're long stem roses.

[5:04] And the vase.

[5:04] None of that short stem bullshit.

[5:06] Just $9.99 more.

[5:07] That's just like, what, $39.98?

[5:10] Uh, don't make me do math, dude.

[5:13] Well, it's a good-

[5:13] This isn't the math house.

[5:14] It's a good price for roses.

[5:15] A very good price.

[5:16] A dozen for $29.99 or two dozen for just $9.99 more with the chocolates and the vases and

[5:21] all that.

[5:22] And I'll tell you what.

[5:24] Delivery on Valentine's Day is guaranteed by pro flowers.

[5:27] Some flowers places will tell you, you know what?

[5:29] That's too high volume a day.

[5:30] Forget it.

[5:31] You're fucked, shithead.

[5:32] And you're like, why would you talk to me like that?

[5:35] Pro flowers, though, says, delivery's guaranteed.

[5:37] Nice guy that we like.

[5:39] Wonderful.

[5:40] And pro flowers is guaranteed.

[5:41] The flowers are guaranteed to last seven days or your money back.

[5:44] That's a long time for cut flowers.

[5:47] Here I want to tell you a little story about I had with pro flowers.

[5:50] Once Dan and I were out on the road solving crimes and doing the daily show at a convention.

[5:56] Doing dueling impressions and mostly the latter part.

[5:59] As a result of my work thing, I missed my wife and I's anniversary.

[6:04] And so I ordered some flowers for her from pro flowers.

[6:07] Now, unfortunately, there was a mix up with delivery.

[6:09] Not pro flowers fault.

[6:10] It was UPS's fault.

[6:12] UPS, instead of leaving them, which they're supposed to, they left one of those signature slips and the flowers died.

[6:20] They didn't get to put in water.

[6:21] I called UPS and they basically said, go fuck yourself.

[6:24] They would not help.

[6:25] I called pro flowers and they replaced them free and gave me money off for the next time I ordered flowers.

[6:33] So they really won my respect with that.

[6:34] They really take care of their customers.

[6:36] That's a real story that happened to me two years ago.

[6:39] Elliot Kalin, yeah.

[6:39] Me, Elliot Kalin.

[6:41] So here's the only way to get this Valentine's Day deal.

[6:43] And you're still married to this day.

[6:45] Yes.

[6:46] Probably because of the flowers.

[6:47] Exactly because of the flowers.

[6:48] That's the only thing patching us together.

[6:50] Yeah.

[6:51] One dozen long stem roses with the vase and the chocolates for $29.99 or double that for $9.99.

[6:56] Go to proflowers.com, click on the blue microphone in the top right corner and type in Flophouse.

[7:03] How are you going to remember that?

[7:04] Because it's the name of your favorite podcast.

[7:06] So proflowers.com, click on the microphone and type in Flophouse.

[7:10] Order today and the deal is only around while supplies last because roses are limited.

[7:14] There's not an unlimited number.

[7:15] And Valentine's Day is coming up soon.

[7:18] This week.

Dan McCoy

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:20] Thank you, sir.

[7:21] Pro flowers.

[7:22] But mostly.

[7:23] Where all the pros get their flowers.

[7:25] Mostly we're not a flower podcast.

[7:27] Mostly we're a bad movie podcast.

[7:28] Yeah, yeah.

[7:29] As explained before.

[7:30] We watch an allegedly bad film and then we talk about it.

[7:34] And tonight we watch a little film called R.

[7:37] Period.

[7:38] I.

[7:39] Period.

[7:40] P.

[7:41] Period.

[7:41] Reading all the funny phrases.

[7:42] Period.

[7:43] Period.

[7:45] Rip it.

[7:46] Rip it.

Elliott Kalan

[7:47] Yeah, we did rip whippets tonight and rip its.

[7:51] So this is a movie.

[7:53] What does R.I.P.D.

[7:54] Stand for?

[7:54] I assume it's like.

[7:55] Rest in peace.

[7:56] Division.

[7:56] Really interesting people.

[7:58] Duh.

[7:59] Or like rare iguana patrol doctor.

Stuart Wellington

[8:04] You're good at this.

[8:05] You want to do some more?

Elliott Kalan

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:06] Or like reservoir igloo.

[8:10] Plus dog.

[8:12] It's like a real estate ad.

[8:13] You get a dog.

[8:14] Or what about a recording industry prose document?

[8:22] I guess it's a contract.

Dan McCoy

[8:24] Recumbent inception.

[8:27] Pretty.

[8:28] Just going to keep going and doing this, I guess.

[8:30] Devious.

[8:31] Devious.

Elliott Kalan

[8:32] What about.

[8:32] Okay.

[8:33] What if it was rectangular individual.

[8:36] Sure.

[8:37] Yeah.

[8:38] Peeing.

[8:40] Dangerously.

Stuart Wellington

[8:41] So I guess like out of an airplane window.

[8:43] Yeah.

[8:44] Yeah.

[8:44] It's from one of the Mr. Mr. books.

Dan McCoy

[8:46] Yeah.

[8:46] Of all those, I think I would prefer to watch the movie.

[8:50] Rectangular individual.

[8:51] Peeing dangerously.

[8:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:52] But unfortunately we watched Rest in Peace Department.

[8:55] Yeah.

[8:55] Which is.

[8:55] It's like.

Stuart Wellington

[8:56] And you said a little movie, but this one costs a lot of money.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] This was a big budget movie with big stars.

[9:00] And a big lack of ideas.

[9:03] At the center of it.

Dan McCoy

[9:03] You got your Ryan Reynolds.

[9:04] You got your Jeff Bridges.

[9:06] You have your Mary Louise Parker.

[9:07] You've got.

[9:08] Kevin Bacon.

[9:09] Kevin Bacon is in it.

[9:10] James Hong.

[9:11] James Hong is in it.

[9:12] The biggest name in Hollywood.

[9:14] James Hong.

[9:14] I mean, but he's been in so many more movies.

[9:16] This was much more interesting than watching the movie, which was looking on IMDb and discovering

[9:21] that James Hong has 387 listings as an actor on IMDb.

[9:27] Yeah.

[9:27] The man has almost 400 acting credits on IMDb.

[9:33] He's great.

Elliott Kalan

[9:34] Hollywood is lazy when it comes to casting ethnic parts.

Dan McCoy

[9:38] Yeah.

[9:38] I mean, you may know him as the butler from Chinatown.

[9:42] Yeah.

[9:43] You may know him as what?

[9:44] Lopan.

[9:44] Everybody who's listening to this knows him as Lopan.

[9:47] Well, that's where I was going.

[9:48] He was also one of the hench bad guys in Tangling Cash.

[9:50] He started.

[9:51] He had dessert at the beginning of the meal.

[9:54] I'm an adult.

[9:55] I can have dessert whenever I want, bro.

Elliott Kalan

[9:57] Big Trouble in Little China is the dessert compared to Chinatown.

[10:00] Well, I mean...

[10:00] Yeah, because Chinatown's a load of crap.

[10:02] Get that out quick.

[10:03] Let's get to Big Trouble in Little China.

Dan McCoy

[10:05] I thought the real dessert was what?

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Was Kim Cattrall in Chinatown?

[10:09] I don't think so.

[10:10] Instant F.

Dan McCoy

[10:11] Him playing the butler in Chinatown is not as big a role as him playing Lopan in China...

[10:17] The romantic lead.

[10:18] In Big Trouble in Little Chinatown.

[10:20] Forget it.

[10:21] Forget it, Jack Burton.

[10:22] It's Big Trouble in Little Chinatown.

[10:24] Yeah.

[10:24] It's how it is.

[10:26] But this movie, instead of that...

[10:29] This movie is not there.

[10:30] So he's criminally underused.

Stuart Wellington

[10:32] James Hahn...

[10:32] A crime that would not be enforced by the Rest in Peace Department because they just...

[10:36] Unless a ghost did it.

[10:38] Specifically, a dedo does it.

Elliott Kalan

[10:39] A dedo, as they're called.

[10:40] Which is not a normal ghost...

[10:42] Okay, you explain.

[10:43] Let's talk about...

[10:44] Sex, maybe.

[10:45] I was going to say R.I.P.D., but all right.

[10:49] There's only one place where ghosts and sex intersect, and that's the blowjob scene in Ghostbusters.

[10:53] So let's talk about it.

[10:54] Anyway, Dan Aykroyd's lying on a bed.

[10:57] His pants come off.

[10:59] Unzip of their own accord.

[11:00] Wait a minute, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[11:01] His eyes get super crossed at some point, right?

[11:03] Yes.

[11:03] Did I jump to the end again?

[11:04] You did.

[11:05] You jumped to the end of the scene.

[11:05] He's like, I'll allow it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:08] Because he's what?

[11:09] The sex judge?

[11:10] Yeah.

[11:12] Bring in the defendant.

Dan McCoy

[11:15] I mean, guys, if you were getting a ghost blowjob, come on.

[11:18] Yeah.

[11:18] They call them boo jobs.

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[11:23] You made that joke during the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[11:24] Yeah, but the audience...

[11:26] The listeners weren't there for that.

[11:28] Okay.

[11:28] Anyway, so Ryan Reynolds is Detective Nick Walker, a very unimaginative name, of the Boston Police Department,

[11:35] because every fucking movie takes place in Boston.

[11:38] That's a law.

[11:38] It's cheap to shoot there.

[11:39] It's apparently cheap to shoot there, and everybody loves doing...

[11:42] They've got an accent.

[11:42] ...Baston accents.

Stuart Wellington

[11:43] Yeah, we've got a bunch of Ben Affleck's and Seth MacFarlane's in this movie.

[11:48] Like, Pop Pack and the car, et cetera.

[11:50] And so forth.

Elliott Kalan

[11:51] They're wicked, whatever.

[11:52] Anyway.

[11:53] Port Lava.

Dan McCoy

[11:54] Dunkin' Donuts.

[11:57] Am I right?

[11:58] It's the thing.

[11:58] Yeah.

[11:59] Yeah.

[12:01] Paul Revere.

[12:03] In old church.

[12:05] Shout out.

[12:07] Shout out to Paul Revere and Beans.

Stuart Wellington

[12:10] I'm from Boston.

[12:12] Yep.

[12:12] Let me blur my vision, and I feel like I'm there.

[12:15] Baston legal.

[12:16] Foggy old Boston town.

Elliott Kalan

[12:18] Everyone knows about that.

[12:20] So anyway, so Ryan Reynolds is Nick Walker, and he is partners with Kevin Bacon,

[12:25] who is slowly transforming into Ethan Hawke as he ages.

[12:29] It's like Ethan Hawke and Kevin Bacon are just converging into one beautiful figure of a

[12:34] grizzled, sharply cheekboned man with skin like a tannery.

Stuart Wellington

[12:40] Yeah, like a snake man.

[12:42] Yeah, like snake.

[12:43] But a beautiful snake.

[12:44] Yeah, exactly.

[12:45] One of those pretty snakes.

[12:45] Yeah, one of those snakes that mesmerizes you with its beauty.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] Like a snake, like what's his name from Jungle Book, you know.

[12:51] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[12:52] So wait a minute.

[12:53] So this was another example of the time when an actor walks on screen,

[12:57] and we're immediately like, he's the bad guy because he's the next most famous guy.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] The minute you see Kevin Bacon, you're like, oh, okay, so he's the one who's going to do it.

[13:04] And you'll see.

[13:05] So the two of them find some gold in a drug bust, and they split it up between them because

[13:10] they're dirty cops.

[13:11] This happens off screen.

[13:12] Ryan Reynolds buries it in the backyard of his house because, hey, he's trying to clean up

[13:16] his act so that he and his wife, Julia, who were introduced with her sans pants, are...

[13:23] Probably the high point of the film.

[13:25] Yeah, certainly.

[13:26] They have one of those scenes where the cop and his wife talk to each other,

[13:32] and you have to prove in one scene that this is the most loving couple in history,

[13:36] and they come off as the most irritating people in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[13:40] These scenes are always written like it's two awkward people flirting for the first time.

Elliott Kalan

[13:44] Yeah, but they're married, and they're always in a bed.

[13:47] The cop is always waking up, and his wife always comes over and talks to him.

Stuart Wellington

[13:50] And you have to understand that has to build up the stakes of the movie.

[13:54] Yeah, well, that's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[13:55] I was going to say...

[13:56] This is to prove that he's not a jerk or a monster.

[13:59] He has a wife.

[14:00] So we should like him.

Dan McCoy

[14:01] Elliot may disagree with me on this point,

[14:03] but this is like the romantic version of the Sandra Bullock in Gravity thing,

[14:07] where it's just like, oh, we're not going to trust...

[14:08] Spoiler alert.

[14:09] We're not going to trust that it's important for Sandra Bullock to get home

[14:12] unless she has a tragic backstory with her kid.

[14:16] You know, there's not enough stakes just in survival.

[14:19] We have to actually give her some other stuff, too.

[14:21] And this is like, oh, there's not enough...

[14:23] We're not going to be sad enough if one of these people dies in this relationship.

[14:26] We have to show that they have the greatest love of all.

Elliott Kalan

[14:29] I guess, I mean, I would say in Gravity that her tragic backstory

[14:32] is showing why she is reluctant to save herself.

[14:35] Mm-hmm.

[14:36] Rather than...

[14:37] But that's besides the point.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] Yeah, she might want to cross over and be with her child ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[14:41] Yeah, in the R.I.P.T.

[14:43] Because here's what happens.

[14:45] They go...

[14:47] Kevin Bacon and Ryan Reynolds go...

[14:49] They have a drug bust on some kind of meth warehouse factory,

[14:52] and it instantly becomes...

[14:53] It's an explosion factory.

[14:54] It instantly becomes just explosions everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[14:57] They do a buy the book.

[14:59] They split up.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] All the cops...

[15:01] There's a big army of cops.

[15:02] They rush into this warehouse and all go off in different directions.

[15:04] It's just...

Stuart Wellington

[15:05] I can start Yosemite Sam and all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[15:07] It's just flame everywhere.

[15:09] Explosions.

Dan McCoy

[15:09] That's one of those factories that manufactures explosions.

[15:11] That's what Stuart just said.

[15:13] What?

[15:13] It's like a heavy metal music video or something.

[15:15] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[15:15] Yeah, they apparently invade...

[15:17] They're raiding the CNC music factory.

[15:19] There's just gears in flame everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[15:22] They're not nearly greasy enough for it to be the CNC music.

Elliott Kalan

[15:24] Just fly girls and backup dancers just falling off of railings.

[15:27] Anyway, but in all the hubbub, Kevin Bacon kills Ryan Reynolds because he knows Ryan Reynolds

[15:34] is trying to go clean, and he doesn't want him turning him in.

[15:37] Ryan Reynolds, all of time, freezes around him, and he's walking through this scene of bedlam

[15:44] frozen in mid-moment and then gets sucked up into the sky into like a cloud whirlwind full

[15:51] of souls.

[15:52] Well, it's a vortex.

[15:53] And his reaction to all this is the slightest furrowing of his brow.

[15:58] Ryan Reynolds could not be bothered to act the emotion of curiosity, awe, fright, wonder,

[16:05] surprise.

[16:05] They probably didn't know what it was going to look like until they did the special effects.

[16:08] So they're just like, I don't know, man, look sad or scared or something.

[16:11] But you get the feeling that this has happened to him multiple times.

[16:14] It's like, all right, here we go again.

[16:16] I'm walking through frozen time.

Dan McCoy

[16:17] And that was one of the many occasions on which I met my death.

[16:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[16:22] He was probably kind of wondering why he didn't get sucked up into the sky until he actually

[16:26] left the building, right?

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] That's true.

[16:28] Apparently, here's one of the themes in this movie is that heaven is surprisingly limited in

[16:32] its abilities.

[16:33] It cannot suck you into heaven if you're in a building.

[16:36] You got to go outside and it'll take you up through the sky.

[16:39] But if there's a roof in the way, you're on your own.

[16:41] So if he decided not to leave that warehouse, I guess he'd still be haunting it to this very

[16:45] day.

[16:46] Also, heaven has a police force, which we learned because he gets pulled out and he's told that

[16:52] dirty cops, rather than going to hell, they're given a chance to work off their time in the RIPD,

[16:58] the Rest in Peace Department, run, I guess, by Mary Louise Parker, who is the like sassy...

[17:06] Who's like a police officer go-go dancer type.

[17:08] The classy police chief wearing a, yes, a short skirt and go-go boots.

[17:12] Yeah.

[17:12] And they...

Dan McCoy

[17:13] And a lot of plastic surgery.

[17:15] She's wearing that.

[17:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:17] Yes.

[17:18] Put it on for this movie.

[17:19] She explains that, I guess, dead souls escape and they're called deados.

[17:25] And they go into the living world and they rot because of their own moral evil.

[17:31] And that rot infects the living world.

[17:34] And so the RIPD has to go and arrest them, but also just kill them sometimes.

[17:39] Because if you shoot them with magic bullets, they're erased from reality.

[17:44] But otherwise, they get brought back to deado jail and they just kind of sit in cages yelling

[17:48] at each other, turning into monsters slowly.

Dan McCoy

[17:50] That rot affects people as if it was a river of slime under New York.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] Yep.

[17:55] Yep.

[17:56] And so he gets inducted into, let's call it Men in Black Light.

Stuart Wellington

[18:00] That was the first Ghostbusters reference of the podcast, right?

[18:03] We're saving some more for later.

[18:05] Can I...

[18:05] You want to spread home or...?

[18:06] I don't want to derail the entire synopsis.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] Let me just say, he gets matched up with a partner played by Jeff Bridges, who is a

[18:12] U.S. Marshal from the late 19th century, the Old West time.

Dan McCoy

[18:16] Doing his best to erase the memory of his great rooster Cogburn and True Grey.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] He is really...

[18:22] Yeah.

[18:24] He is really hamming it up, hamming it down.

[18:26] To be fair, he's trying to do something with the character as opposed to Ryan Reynolds, who's

[18:30] just walking through like in a daze.

[18:31] But you were going to say something about Ghostbusters.

[18:33] No, I...

[18:33] One of the best movies ever made.

Dan McCoy

[18:34] Not specifically about Ghostbusters, but I think that when this movie came out...

[18:38] The music certainly better.

[18:38] I said something similar to this.

[18:40] Like, I just...

[18:41] I just have a problem with the...

[18:44] I have a metaphysical problem with the concept of this movie.

[18:47] The concept of a ghost crime that escaped criminals who escape?

[18:51] Exactly.

[18:51] The idea that the best way to deal with escape souls is through some sort of ghost police

[18:57] division.

[18:58] That number one, escape souls is a thing that happens.

[19:01] I mean, that's been in a lot of pulp fiction.

[19:04] I'm fine with that.

[19:05] But then also, just like the idea that like, okay, there is some sort of, I guess, guiding

[19:09] force in the universe.

[19:10] A god, if you will.

[19:12] And he decides that the best way to do this is to have a bunch of other ghosts go out

[19:17] and corral them in the same way that normal cops would corral criminals.

Elliott Kalan

[19:20] Yeah, where do you think police got the idea?

[19:22] From the ghost police.

[19:23] All right.

Stuart Wellington

[19:24] Yeah.

[19:24] Ghost police.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] This movie should have been called Ghost Police.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] And they have basically carte blanche, right?

[19:28] I mean, they can do whatever they want.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] Not really.

[19:31] It's against the rules to be seen catching a ghost bad guy in public because, for some

[19:37] reason, it's one of those things where it's never really explained, I think, why

[19:41] real life people can't know about this.

[19:44] Because if they did know about it, it would be a lot easier to catch the bad guys because

[19:47] then they could just inform on them to the ghost police.

[19:51] Like, the same way, like, you have a lot of movies where it's like, we can't tell anybody

[19:56] there are aliens around because, but we need to do this thing.

[20:00] Okay, well, why not?

[20:01] Because if you told people, they'd get used to it eventually and then they could help you.

[20:04] Just don't put on those sunglasses.

Dan McCoy

[20:06] Yeah.

[20:06] And to that point, like, as we...

Elliott Kalan

[20:08] Like, with Men in Black, I don't understand why the aliens have to hide.

Dan McCoy

[20:11] But that makes more sense.

[20:13] Like, Men in Black, it makes more sense.

[20:15] Like, the idea that there's a government agency that, like, for whatever reason wants to

[20:20] keep the peace, like, by, like, keeping it quiet.

[20:23] I don't know.

[20:23] Like, that makes more sense.

[20:24] But this is like space jobs.

Stuart Wellington

[20:26] Religious fervor would set the world afire, Elliot.

[20:29] Yeah, because that's not happening already.

Elliott Kalan

[20:31] But as we've...

[20:32] No, a religious fervor would immediately totally collapse into one religion because they'd be

[20:36] like, oh, this is how the system works.

Stuart Wellington

[20:38] So what you're saying is you'd prefer one religion.

[20:39] Is that it?

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] I would say that I would...

[20:42] Yeah.

[20:42] Than constant religious war.

[20:44] Yes, I would prefer that.

[20:45] Thanks, Star Trek.

Dan McCoy

[20:48] But as we've fainted out already, like, this movie's like a real slam up between Men in

[20:53] Black and Ghostbusters.

[20:55] Yeah.

[20:55] But much, much worse than either.

[20:56] But, like, we were talking about during the movie, you know, you were forwarding a mild

[21:02] defense saying that the...

[21:04] Of what, this movie?

[21:05] The premise...

[21:05] Well, no, just...

[21:06] Of the basic premise of Ghost Police.

[21:08] The premise of Ghostbusters is dumb, but it was done well, so, like, the movie was good.

[21:15] I think it's not as dumb a premise as this.

[21:17] Well, that's the thing, like...

Elliott Kalan

[21:17] But that a lot of very good movies have really stupid premises when you do...

[21:22] If they were done poorly.

[21:23] For instance, and this is an example I used, King Kong, fantastic movie, one of my favorites

[21:27] of all time, has a premise that has been done so poorly so many times.

[21:31] And it's like, oh, yeah, when a movie's done poorly, then a story about a giant gorilla

[21:36] seems really stupid.

Dan McCoy

[21:37] But I would argue that there is something inherently smarter about the Ghostbusters premise than

[21:43] this premise, which is that...

[21:45] That big people are catching ghosts?

[21:46] Well, yeah, in Ghostbusters, it's presented as, like, a bunch of idiots who don't necessarily

[21:51] understand all of the forces they're fucking with.

[21:54] They all have doctorates.

[21:54] Going out to, like, treat ghosts as if they're exterminators.

[21:59] Whereas, in this movie, it's like, people who have died, and theoretically should know

[22:04] better, like, working on behalf of some, I don't know, like, organizing force in the

[22:10] universe to catch these ghosts.

[22:12] And I think that's a lot dumber than the idea of, like, oh, some normal Joes are gonna,

[22:17] like, go out and catch ghosts.

Elliott Kalan

[22:18] It is dumber.

[22:19] I'm just saying, I would...

[22:20] I think there's a good way to do a movie about ghost police who catch ghost crooks.

[22:24] Mm-hmm.

[22:25] Or maybe not even a movie.

[22:26] Like, it could be, like, a crappy TV show that's fun, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[22:29] And if it's done well, you don't spend as much time thinking about the stupid bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[22:34] Yes.

[22:35] So this was done poorly, and as a result, when they go to the evidence locker in the ghost

[22:39] cop police precinct...

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] So they're taking matter from the physical realm...

[22:42] From the real world...

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] ...and bringing it to this ghost realm.

[22:46] They...

Stuart Wellington

[22:46] Which is only a police station.

[22:48] Yes.

[22:48] That's the only thing that exists.

Elliott Kalan

[22:49] Evidence locker has a lot of, like, gears, and, like, it's a big piece of machinery that

[22:54] they have to operate.

[22:55] Yeah, it's like the Lionsgate logo.

[22:56] And it does look a lot like the Lionsgate logo.

[22:58] And you're wondering, like, well, this is...

[23:00] They basically have magic.

[23:02] So, like, why do they need all these machines to do this?

[23:04] Why don't they just have, like, a magic room where they keep this stuff?

Stuart Wellington

[23:07] Yeah, they don't need to worry about force and physics and...

[23:10] Yeah.

[23:12] Stuff.

[23:12] And ladders.

[23:14] There's the part where...

[23:15] Ladders.

[23:16] There's a part where Ryan Reynolds...

[23:17] It was an important invention.

[23:18] Magnet.

Elliott Kalan

[23:19] There's a part where Mary Louise Parker is bringing Ryan Reynolds through their, like,

[23:22] file room, and they're just walking on air from one door to another.

[23:26] There's no floor.

[23:27] It's just this...

[23:28] And let me tell you guys, it looks super realistic.

[23:32] Oh, yeah.

[23:33] It doesn't look CGI-ish, like, at all, like everything else in this movie that just looks

[23:36] like computers.

[23:37] But there's a guy on a really tall ladder opening up a file, and it's like, well, if they

[23:41] don't need a floor, why does he need a ladder?

[23:43] Like, I don't understand.

[23:44] Can't he just fly around?

[23:45] He's a ghost.

[23:46] Anyway.

[23:46] There's a lot of not really thinking about it.

Stuart Wellington

[23:48] Maybe he's a human who just works in the ghost.

Elliott Kalan

[23:52] Oh, so he...

[23:53] They just...

[23:54] They had an ad in the paper.

Stuart Wellington

[23:55] That's a rough commute, by the way.

Elliott Kalan

[23:58] Yeah.

[23:58] Gotta go outside and get sucked up into the sky vortex, and then you go to your job.

[24:04] How do you get home?

Stuart Wellington

[24:06] You...

[24:06] Wait.

[24:09] You have Ryan Reynolds take you?

[24:11] Yeah, I guess he drives you there.

[24:12] Takes you through the magical toilet that they travel.

Elliott Kalan

[24:14] Oh, no.

[24:14] He goes into a VCR repair shop.

[24:16] He goes, here's the thing.

[24:18] They...

[24:18] You learn that you can...

[24:19] There's this one portal between the ghost precinct and Boston, which is the bathroom of a VCR

[24:25] repair shop.

[24:26] And the two partners, Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds, don't get along at first.

[24:32] Why would they?

[24:33] It's a movie.

[24:33] Eventually, they win each other's trust and respect, blah, blah, blah.

[24:36] They go to...

[24:37] But not that much.

[24:38] But not that much.

[24:38] They still don't like each other.

Dan McCoy

[24:39] The movie kind of just glosses over that.

Elliott Kalan

[24:41] No, no.

[24:41] It's from part two and part three, dude.

[24:43] Eventually.

[24:43] No, I mean, they're friends at the end.

[24:45] It's just that, like...

Dan McCoy

[24:46] They just don't really put that much energy into this odd couple pair.

Elliott Kalan

[24:49] They don't really do much to win each other over.

[24:51] Yeah.

[24:51] And eventually, it's like they just kind of stop...

[24:53] They just forget that they don't like each other.

[24:55] Yeah.

[24:55] And suddenly, they like each other.

Dan McCoy

[24:56] Like, normally, there's a scene where they go out for, like, ghost noodles that, like...

[25:00] Goodles.

[25:01] Like the ghost guy's favorite, like, hole-in-the-wall ghost doodle joint.

[25:05] Goodle joint.

[25:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:06] And there would actually be some effort defining Ryan Reynolds' character beyond the fact that

[25:10] he stole gold one time and has a wife.

[25:13] Yeah.

[25:13] I mean, widow.

Elliott Kalan

[25:14] Those are really his only characteristics.

[25:16] I guess he likes gold.

[25:17] So...

[25:18] And we have to assume is totally...

[25:19] He's kind of like a leprechaun?

[25:20] And we have to assume is totally ripped.

[25:23] But he never takes his shirt off, so we don't know.

[25:25] Yeah.

[25:26] He doesn't need to take that shirt off.

[25:27] He's ripped.

[25:28] He is.

[25:29] I thought this movie was just ripped, and it was about guys working on their abs.

[25:33] But it was about ghosts working out to get super built.

[25:37] But anyway, so they go to Earth.

[25:40] He goes to his funeral, tries to approach his wife, but uh-oh.

[25:44] The ghosts are seen in fake identities by living people.

[25:50] And Ryan Reynolds is instead James Hong, an old Chinese man.

[25:54] And so he, every time he tries to approach his wife, he just looks like an old Chinese man

[25:59] who's trying to touch her face, which is frightening.

Stuart Wellington

[26:01] And the whole sequence is done almost as sensitive as in Spawn.

Elliott Kalan

[26:09] They are going for that.

[26:10] They're going for...

[26:11] This is the heartbreaking moment when his wife doesn't recognize him.

[26:13] But yeah, it's really like, all you can think is like, man, you look...

[26:18] This is super creepy.

[26:20] You're just a stranger walking up and trying to touch her face.

[26:22] Well, and Jeff Bridges...

Stuart Wellington

[26:24] And who walks up and touches somebody's face anyway?

[26:26] Even if it's somebody you love, you just walk up and touch their face?

[26:29] That's weird.

[26:29] Well, faces are very touchable sometimes.

[26:31] In public?

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] Yeah, yeah.

[26:33] It's legal now.

Dan McCoy

[26:34] Jeff Bridges' avatar is a hot lady, some Victoria's Secret model whose name escapes me.

[26:39] But the movie treats like the very existence...

[26:42] The name escapes him.

Elliott Kalan

[26:43] Yeah, not like he's not going to Google it later.

Dan McCoy

[26:46] He's going to Google something.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] What does that mean?

[26:51] The movie treats the...

[26:52] R.I.P.D.

[26:53] Hot lady nude.

[26:55] That's what he's going to Google.

[26:56] Feet.

[26:58] Yeah, that is disturbing.

[26:59] He's going to say, did you mean R.I.P.D.

[27:01] Hot lady nude feet?

Dan McCoy

[27:03] I was just going to say that this movie treats the very existence of hot ladies and elderly Asian men as hilarious.

[27:10] As a punchline in and of itself.

[27:12] Punchline.

[27:13] No need for extra jokes.

[27:15] There's no complications.

[27:17] Actually, there are actual scenes where it could be funny to cut to the other person doing the thing.

[27:25] That Ryan Reynolds or Jeff Bridges did.

[27:26] Yeah, but they just don't do it.

[27:28] They don't do it.

Elliott Kalan

[27:29] Well, we also learned that...

[27:31] Why R.I.P.D.?

[27:32] We should go through the rest of the plot real fast.

[27:36] They learned that cumin powder makes deddos who are in disguise reveal themselves as monsters.

[27:41] They chase one down and he vomits up a bunch of gold.

[27:45] And it looks like the gold Ryan Reynolds stole.

[27:47] Turns out it's magic gold.

[27:50] They give it to Mike O'Malley, who's like a Red Sox guy, who gives it to Kevin Bacon.

[27:55] Because it's Boston.

Stuart Wellington

[27:56] And he's not wearing a hat.

[27:58] Tea party.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] Am I right?

[28:02] Yep.

[28:03] Hot lava.

[28:05] Did you already say beans earlier?

[28:06] Yeah, we've covered beans.

[28:08] Beans.

[28:09] Okay, other Boston stuff.

[28:12] Cobblestones.

[28:12] Cream pie.

[28:13] Did you say cream pie earlier?

Dan McCoy

[28:16] Wicked fighting.

[28:19] Don't know what's going on.

[28:20] Wicked video.

[28:21] Have you been to Boston, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[28:26] Viva la France.

[28:28] No, no, that's not what it is.

[28:29] Okay.

[28:30] Empire State Building.

Stuart Wellington

[28:32] Empire Strikes Back.

Elliott Kalan

[28:34] Sydney Opera House.

[28:38] Tokyo Tower.

[28:40] Big statue of Jesus in Rio de Janeiro.

[28:45] Perfect.

[28:46] Yep.

[28:46] Leaning Tower of Pisa in Boston.

Stuart Wellington

[28:49] Pizza.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Leaning Tower of Pisa.

[28:52] Anyway, this movie is so dumb.

[28:55] I feel such...

[28:56] So they got the magic gold.

[28:58] They put that shit in the evidence locker.

[28:59] I feel like such a waste of my time.

[29:01] Okay.

[29:02] So they go on the hunt for more gold because Kevin Bacon's collecting all this magic stupid gold.

[29:09] They find there's a dedo.

[29:11] They chase after him and he goes, I'm tired of hiding.

[29:13] And leads them on a merry chase.

[29:16] Destructive...

[29:16] On a destructive rampage through the city.

[29:18] Long story short.

[29:19] It gets caught on TV.

[29:20] They get the gold.

[29:21] They don't get the gold.

[29:22] Oh, no, they got that gold.

[29:23] Oh, they do get the gold, but they get suspended.

[29:25] And so the next day, they get suspended and they're told, tomorrow's your disciplinary hearing.

[29:30] So I guess now do whatever.

[29:32] Card blanch.

[29:32] Or you might get erased.

[29:34] You might get erased forever.

[29:34] Live like you're dying, dudes.

[29:36] But until then, just kind of go wherever and do whatever.

[29:39] Yeah, that's what they call it, right?

[29:40] Double dog dead.

[29:42] They find out that the gold they picked up is part of something called the Staff of Jericho,

[29:47] a mystical device that will, instead of having dead people leave the earth and go to dead

[29:53] place, they'll come back down to earth, thus destroying the earth.

Dan McCoy

[29:58] In a real Avenger-style tunnel full of stuff.

[30:03] Vortex.

Elliott Kalan

[30:04] Kevin Bacon reveals that he's been an evil dead-o all along.

[30:07] They arrest him and they take him to the police station.

[30:09] But hey, this is a movie.

[30:11] So being arrested and taken to the police station was part of his plan the whole time.

[30:15] Yeah.

[30:16] Even though he still went for a gun when they came to pick him up.

[30:20] He pulled a real Joker Benedict Cumberbatch.

[30:23] A Benedict Jokerbatch.

Stuart Wellington

[30:25] I wonder in real life how many criminals are arrested and try and psych out the police

[30:29] by being like, how do you know this isn't part of my whole plan, buddy?

[30:32] That would be...

[30:33] They're like, you're on crystal meth.

[30:34] Stop talking to me.

Elliott Kalan

[30:36] You saw Dark Knight.

[30:37] Why do you think I'd let you catch me when I was breaking into that ATM?

[30:41] There's a phone in your stomach.

[30:42] There's not a phone in my stomach.

[30:44] Yes, there...

[30:44] Well, I'm con.

[30:46] No, you're not.

[30:48] But it's just one of many plot twists that we've seen in other movies.

[30:52] But RIPD was like, hey, who cares if they've seen it before?

[30:54] We're going to do it.

[30:55] We're going to make it all computer animated-y and not really put much attention to it.

[30:59] Oh, boy.

[30:59] Anyway, they escape with all the gold.

[31:02] The deados go back to Earth.

[31:03] They're going to build this Jericho Tower thing to bring all the dead people.

[31:07] They kidnap Ryan Reynolds' wife because she's got to be the sacrifice for it

[31:11] because it runs on living blood.

[31:13] There's a big action sequence at the end.

[31:16] Why'd the bad guy take her?

Stuart Wellington

[31:17] You could have taken anybody, right?

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] Well, he says, it didn't need to be her, but I wanted to get a last dig on Ryan Reynolds.

Stuart Wellington

[31:23] No, that's stupid, though.

[31:24] Because he didn't like Van Walsh.

[31:25] He's just asking for it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] He liked the sequel, though.

[31:30] He goes where it comes from.

[31:31] He thought Cal Penn was pretty funny.

[31:34] He thought Taj was a character with a lot of possibility.

[31:37] What about Taj?

[31:39] What's his story?

[31:41] Well, we've seen the rise of Taj.

[31:43] What's he going to do now that he's risen?

[31:45] And was it like the rise of Cobra?

[31:48] Or more like the revenge of the fallen?

Dan McCoy

[31:50] Yeah, you really expect to see the fall of Taj and then the redeeming of Taj.

[31:54] The re-rise of Taj, like a Taj Phoenix.

[31:57] Taj 2.0.

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] It's like the colors trilogy.

[32:00] Yep, that's exactly what it's like.

[32:02] It's like the Decalogue.

[32:04] So there's a big fight, and the good guys win in the end.

[32:09] And this movie is so rote and by the numbers.

[32:11] Oh, boy, is it?

[32:12] Just imagine Men in Black, but not done quite as well.

[32:15] I'm going to replace aliens with ghosts.

[32:16] The aliens are ghosts.

[32:17] Instead of Will Smith, it's Ryan Reynolds.

[32:19] Instead of Jeff Bridges, it's Tommy Lee Jones.

[32:22] And otherwise, that's the movie.

[32:25] Switch that all around.

[32:26] I think that that's okay.

[32:27] I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[32:27] And they have magic bullets.

[32:28] Did he say that?

Elliott Kalan

[32:29] They have magic bullets.

[32:30] Yeah, they have magic bullets that kill ghosts.

[32:32] And at the end, they're reinstated on the force.

Stuart Wellington

[32:38] The city of Boston is destroyed by these weird ghost vortexes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:42] Except it's back up and running days later.

[32:45] Hortices, thank you.

[32:46] This is one of those movies where the city of Boston, yeah, like parking garages are collapsing.

[32:53] Cars are raining from the sky.

[32:55] There's people getting hurt.

[32:56] And then like a couple days later, they're just walking around and everything's fine.

[33:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:01] It's like the movie.

[33:02] Hey, Boston survives, dude.

[33:03] It does.

Dan McCoy

[33:04] The main reason Boston survives is it's the fakest looking city I've ever seen in a movie.

[33:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:11] It's so, everything's so fake looking in this movie.

[33:14] And it feels, I was saying to them, to Dan Stewart while we were watching, it felt like

[33:18] it was taking place in the city play set that like Ghostbusters toy commercials were shot

[33:23] in, where there were a lot of fake buildings and there was nobody on the streets, of course,

[33:27] because there were, it was just a place for the Ghostbusters to fly their Ecto Chopper

[33:30] around, you know, and shoot some big ghost demon.

Dan McCoy

[33:34] Yeah, it was all a combination.

Elliott Kalan

[33:36] It's called the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

[33:37] Of obvious.

[33:38] No, they didn't, it wasn't always the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Dan McCoy

[33:41] Obvious back lot sets and CGI.

[33:44] Yeah.

[33:44] The entire thing.

Elliott Kalan

[33:45] But there's a lot of, you gotta give them points for style.

[33:48] Every shot has a lot of style.

[33:50] There's a lot of zooms.

[33:52] There's a lot of slow-mo.

[33:53] There's a lot of off-kilter angles.

[33:55] There's a lot of color changes.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] This is the type of action movie that George Lucas would see and be like, this is a gritty

[34:00] and realistic depiction of violence.

Elliott Kalan

[34:04] Yeah.

[34:04] What's weird is he just watched Ms. 45 before it shows.

Dan McCoy

[34:09] One thing I wanted to call out.

Elliott Kalan

[34:11] I apologize.

[34:11] I want to apologize to everybody about my lack of interest in this movie after watching it.

[34:17] It really was like, if this movie had more James Hong in it, I think it might have kept my

[34:21] attention more.

[34:22] But it was so like, alright, here's the scene where they, he gets, he sees the police station

[34:29] for the first time.

[34:30] Then his partner gets introduced shooting a bad guy who gets loose.

[34:34] Then they go here and he has to deal with the fact that he's a ghost.

[34:38] They don't tell him, of course.

[34:39] He has to learn it by doing something stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[34:42] Here's some reaction shots of people seeing a beautiful blonde and an old Chinese actor

[34:46] hanging out together.

Elliott Kalan

[34:47] Yeah, as if they couldn't be friends.

[34:48] Come on, why not?

[34:49] Who says they can't?

[34:50] Maybe they're married.

[34:51] Why not?

[34:51] Are you sure you're not?

Stuart Wellington

[34:52] Life's about differences, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] Yeah, come on.

[34:54] Opposites attract.

[34:55] Just like MC Scat Cat said.

Dan McCoy

[34:57] Are you sure you're not pulling a, you know what guys?

[35:00] Now that I have a kid, I understand.

[35:02] No, no.

[35:03] It's not one of those.

[35:03] RIPD is not what's important in this life.

[35:06] No, you know what?

[35:07] When you have children, you'll understand.

[35:08] You guys don't get this because you've never created a life.

Elliott Kalan

[35:11] But there's not a lot of room for RIPD.

[35:14] Dan has probably created many lives.

[35:17] Well, he's created many enemies.

[35:18] Is that the same thing?

[35:19] Yeah.

[35:20] But it really felt like this movie, it felt like the people making it put so little effort

[35:25] into it.

[35:25] Aside from the people, I guess, who were rendering computer graphics, who put a lot of work

[35:29] in, I'm sure.

[35:30] Yeah.

[35:30] But everything was so, it's like they bought, it's like they paid someone who worked on

[35:35] Men in Black to buy the outline for the movie and then they just changed stuff in it.

[35:41] To return...

[35:42] Like they got the opposing team's playbook.

[35:47] They paid some slimy guy who held a boom mic on Men in Black to give them the secrets.

Dan McCoy

[35:54] To return briefly to the logic problems with this film, I just want to highlight one thing,

[36:00] which is when Ryan Reynolds throws Jeff Bridges in front of a bus and Jeff Bridges gets run

[36:07] over, which he's fine because he's a ghost, whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[36:10] Except that the people on the bus have just seen a beautiful woman get run over by a bus.

[36:15] It is my concern.

[36:16] And it just cuts to the next scene after something else happens that you're going to talk about.

Stuart Wellington

[36:20] Are you concerned that a lot of people on that bus are now going to be Googling a beautiful

[36:24] woman run over by bus as a new fetish?

[36:26] Feet nude, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[36:27] But what's weird is that I assume they would try to help her.

[36:30] Nobody questions why this woman is alive while a bus is on top of her.

[36:34] They're supposed to stay out of the public eye, but they do such a bad job of it.

[36:37] But it's like a movie where it's like Dark City.

[36:40] Boston is Dark City and every night the Bostonians go to bed and their memories get wiped.

[36:45] And so they forget all the crazy shit they saw that day.

[36:48] But you were going to say, he gets hit by a bus.

Dan McCoy

[36:49] He gets hit by a bus and his 10-gallon hat flies off in the wind.

[36:55] And he's like, oh, my hat!

Elliott Kalan

[36:57] And you just wonder, like...

[36:59] And he tries on hats for the rest of the movie.

[37:00] And when they talk to Mike O'Malley, they slyly put in a hat trying on montage.

[37:05] So, but they should have just...

Stuart Wellington

[37:06] It's not good because everyone's like, everybody's bored of this scene.

[37:09] You don't care about following leads.

Elliott Kalan

[37:10] And I have to say, watching Jeff Bridges try on hats is a lot more interesting than anything else.

Dan McCoy

[37:18] You're really delaying the payoff of this anecdote.

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] So his hat flies off.

[37:21] The point is...

[37:21] Anecdote.

[37:22] It's not something that happened to you.

[37:23] It's a scene in the movie.

[37:24] This anecdote.

Dan McCoy

[37:25] This one time I saw a ghost get run over.

[37:27] You're really ruining my personal memory.

[37:29] You're delaying the payoff of the point of this, which is, like, is this a fucking ghost hat?

[37:34] Like, why does he have this hat in the first place?

[37:36] Like, he loses a hat and then he can't get another hat.

Elliott Kalan

[37:38] Here's the thing.

[37:39] When he's a beautiful woman, he's not wearing a hat.

[37:42] So the hat is part of his ghost clothes.

Stuart Wellington

[37:44] Of course she's not wearing a hat.

[37:45] She doesn't need it.

[37:45] She's a babe.

Dan McCoy

[37:46] Did this hat die?

[37:47] She doesn't need accessories.

[37:48] Did someone shoot this hat?

[37:50] Did someone pour poison into this hat?

[37:52] Same thing with his sunglasses.

[37:54] He wears sunglasses at one point.

[37:55] Clearly the hat...

[37:56] Which is not from, like, when he's from.

[37:58] Like, he's from, like, the 1800s.

[37:59] So, like, he...

[38:00] He stole them from another ghost.

[38:03] Somebody stepped on their sunglasses.

[38:04] He murdered a ghost and took their sunglasses.

Elliott Kalan

[38:05] Somebody stepped on their sunglasses by accident.

[38:07] The sunglasses died and became a ghost and he found them.

[38:09] Yeah.

[38:10] So here's what happened.

[38:11] That hat was a crooked cop's hat.

[38:14] And the hat...

[38:14] And that hat had one day until retirement.

[38:16] The hat was shot.

[38:18] And hat heaven said, you can either join the RIPD or you can go to hat hell.

[38:23] And so he was sitting on Jeff Bridges' head until he got blown off because the wind affects ghosts.

[38:30] That's the other thing.

[38:30] The ghosts have corporeal...

[38:32] There's a part...

Stuart Wellington

[38:32] Yeah, do you think the hat's like, I'm free of my curse?

[38:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:36] I can join my hat family.

[38:37] The light shines on earth.

[38:38] My work on earth is done.

[38:41] I've accomplished my last deed.

Dan McCoy

[38:43] There's a lady's cowboy hat and a beam of light.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] Oh, my grandma's hat is beckoning me into the bright light.

[38:50] But here's the thing.

[38:51] Ryan Reynolds is in...

[38:52] He goes...

[38:53] He agrees to join the RIPD.

[38:55] And Mary Lee probably goes, this is gonna sting.

[38:57] And...

[38:58] Or this is gonna tickle or something.

[38:59] And a...

[39:00] It does neither.

[39:00] ...burns into his chest.

[39:02] And it's like, wait a minute.

[39:03] Hold on a second.

[39:04] He's a ghost, but he can feel pain.

[39:06] And he has a physical body that, like, can have things burned into it?

[39:09] Why don't they just go down as invisible ghosts and catch the crooks?

[39:12] It'd be a lot easier.

Dan McCoy

[39:13] Well, also, if they can interact with matter, why not just give him a fucking RIPD badge

[39:18] that does not burn into his skin like a brain?

[39:19] That he can just put on his coat.

Stuart Wellington

[39:20] It seems a lot cheaper, like, to just fabricate a fucking badge instead of having to do some

[39:24] kind of special effect.

[39:26] Anyway.

[39:27] I could whip that up in, like, ten minutes.

[39:28] Give me some fucking...

[39:30] Pepeyamache or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[39:32] That's a very gambit way to say it.

[39:35] Broke some Pepeyamache, mon cherie.

[39:38] What's he doing?

[39:39] Like, making her a fucking present?

[39:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:41] I wish so much that we could kiss over this Pepeyamache.

Elliott Kalan

[39:44] One of their Xavier's Gifted Academy projects was in Volcano.

[39:51] Because it's still a school, you know?

[39:53] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[39:53] Just because he's a 30-year-old Cajun man doesn't mean he doesn't have to go to science class.

[39:56] 30.

[39:56] I think you're being charitable.

[39:58] I was being nice.

[39:59] He's clearly about 37.

[40:01] Yeah.

[40:02] He's whatever age Jean-Claude Van Damme was when Wizard wanted to cast him in the role.

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] He's whatever age, it's not creepy for him to be hanging out with young Storm.

[40:10] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[40:11] I forgot about that.

[40:12] We should move on to...

[40:13] What we're saying is the logic of RIPD and the metaphysics are not totally well thought through.

[40:19] But we should move on to final statements.

Stuart Wellington

[40:20] So the hat that Mary Louise Parker gives him later on...

[40:23] That's a real hat.

Elliott Kalan

[40:24] She just bought it.

[40:25] It's in a bag still.

[40:26] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:26] She didn't get that back.

[40:28] Like she didn't smother a hat and then now that's the hat ghost.

[40:31] Smothered it with the bag.

[40:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] I wish that it cut to the real Boston PD and there's an outline of a hat on the ground.

[40:39] Another hat murder.

[40:41] Damn it.

[40:42] It's like a...

[40:42] There's a hat serial killer out there.

[40:44] We're seeing too many good hats get killed.

[40:47] We gotta protect his rights.

[40:48] What about the rights of that hat?

[40:51] Don't you care about his rights?

Dan McCoy

[40:54] This is great stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[40:55] And they walk into the evidence dungeon and there's just brims nailed to the wall.

[41:00] They open up the fridge and there's like a cap in there.

[41:02] You sick fuck.

Dan McCoy

[41:05] Yeah, there's a hat band.

[41:08] Anyway.

[41:09] A hat band?

[41:10] Like a bunch of hats that play music together?

[41:12] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[41:13] And they have a shark playing drums.

Elliott Kalan

[41:15] Why is Jabberjaw in this band?

Stuart Wellington

[41:17] It doesn't have to be Jabberjaw.

[41:19] Why are you serious?

[41:20] I was thinking it would be a different shark who plays drums.

[41:23] He's always annoyed that everybody assumes that he's Jabberjaw.

[41:26] I'm not...

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] You know, just because I'm a shark who plays drums doesn't mean I'm Jabberjaw.

[41:29] That's racist.

[41:30] To say that all sharks who play drums look alike.

Stuart Wellington

[41:34] I'm glad you didn't do the accent, by the way.

[41:36] No, no.

Dan McCoy

[41:37] Okay.

[41:37] Well, we should move on.

[41:38] And his name is Jaws Ulrich.

[41:40] Final Judgments.

[41:41] That's not bad.

[41:42] Was this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like?

[41:45] Stu, go.

Stuart Wellington

[41:45] Oh, man.

[41:46] It was probably a great, amazing movie.

[41:49] Wait, was that an option?

[41:50] No.

[41:50] It's a bad, bad movie.

[41:53] It was way less fun than I was hoping for.

[41:56] There's way too many special effects.

[41:58] Nothing seems to have any weight.

[42:00] Kevin Bacon seems to have a little bit of fun.

[42:03] And Jeff Bridges kind of does, except he can't understand his accent, really.

[42:07] He really...

[42:07] Jeff Bridges really hams it up.

[42:09] I think he hams it up a little too much.

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] Yeah, and he mush mouths it too much.

[42:12] He's having fun, maybe, doing it.

[42:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[42:15] I say this is a bad, bad movie.

[42:17] There was a time toward the end of the movie where Elliot was like, are either of you guys'

[42:22] eyes not working anymore?

Elliott Kalan

[42:23] There was a certain point where it was so CGI and so bad that I was just seeing colors moving

[42:29] around on screen.

[42:29] I think my eyes were like, when your computer goes to sleep, that's what it was like.

Dan McCoy

[42:34] And I kind of felt that way through most of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[42:36] You don't just get a collage of Facebook pictures or anything?

Elliott Kalan

[42:39] Yeah, what I was seeing was flying toasters.

Dan McCoy

[42:41] Yeah, the movie of your life.

Elliott Kalan

[42:43] But this, yeah, this just...

[42:44] Wait, was I dying?

[42:45] My life was flying to my eyes?

[42:48] That's what happens when my computer falls asleep?

[42:50] Your computer dies each time, and it's just remembering its life.

[42:55] Remembers when it woke up at the factory, the first time you booted it up, when you installed

[43:00] all those, any type of video games or whatever, when you looked at porn, that kind of stuff.

Dan McCoy

[43:05] Sounds like a really awkward version of her.

[43:08] Yeah.

[43:08] But I didn't care for the fakiness or the boringness of this.

Elliott Kalan

[43:14] Amazing.

[43:14] Yeah, and I agree.

[43:15] It felt so bland and boring and not fun and nobody putting any creative effort into it

[43:24] except Jeff Bridges, I guess, and not enough James Hong.

[43:27] What about all the action?

[43:28] You like that.

[43:29] I like action, but when they were chasing that one guy, it was an okay action sequence.

[43:35] Otherwise, not very good action.

[43:37] So I also give this a bad bad.

Dan McCoy

[43:39] Okay, so moving on to another word from another sponsor.

[43:46] We are rolling in sponsors.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] We are very popular when it comes to sponsors.

[43:52] But we're also very selective of our sponsors.

[43:54] Yeah, and we need sponsors because we have drug and alcohol problems.

Dan McCoy

[43:57] No, no, no, no.

[43:58] Okay.

[43:59] So just want to put in a word for our delightful sponsors over at Warby Parker.

[44:07] If you need to wear spectacles like, say...

[44:10] Two-thirds of the Flophouse.

[44:12] Yeah, Elliot or I.

[44:13] Or if you're just a cool dude and you want some sunglasses like Stuart, why don't you look

[44:18] into Warby Parker?

[44:20] Okay.

[44:21] They believe...

[44:22] That's old.

[44:24] That was easy.

[44:24] They believe that glasses should not be so expensive, and I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[44:29] No, I disagree.

[44:31] Glasses should be expensive.

Dan McCoy

[44:33] Whatever, nerdlinger.

[44:34] Oh, man.

[44:35] No wonder I have no friends.

[44:37] Their prescription glasses start at $95 with the prescription lenses included.

Stuart Wellington

[44:43] That is a fantastic price.

Dan McCoy

[44:45] Their titanium collection starts at $145.

[44:49] I assume that's their...

[44:50] So you can buy multiple pairs to match with your, I don't know, T-shirts or sweaters or whatever

Stuart Wellington

[44:54] you guys wear.

Elliott Kalan

[44:55] Whatever you wear.

[44:56] Yeah.

[44:57] Belt buckles.

[44:59] Pants.

[45:00] Hats.

[45:00] Gloves.

[45:01] Scorpion belt buckles.

Dan McCoy

[45:02] Capes.

[45:03] Half capes.

[45:04] All of these would go deliciously with Warby Parker glasses.

[45:08] Vernuses.

[45:10] Whalebone corsets.

[45:11] All their glasses have anti-reflective and anti-glare coating with no additional cost.

[45:17] And here's the thing.

[45:18] Say goodbye to glare.

[45:19] They make it easy.

[45:21] What you do is you log onto their site.

[45:24] You get to check out the frames that they have on offer.

[45:28] And you can select up to five frames to be sent to you for home try-on.

[45:33] Five frames?

[45:34] Yeah.

[45:35] That's an embarrassment of riches.

Elliott Kalan

[45:36] Well, to try them on.

[45:37] Yeah.

[45:38] Oh, okay.

[45:39] It's like going to the store and trying on glasses, but you don't even have to go to the store.

[45:43] The store comes to you.

Dan McCoy

[45:46] Yeah.

[45:46] You can keep the frames for five days before sending them back free of charge with a prepaid

[45:51] returning shipping label.

[45:52] And when you place an order for glasses, they'll get started on them right away and have them

[45:58] in your hands within 10 business days.

[46:01] That's fast, man.

[46:04] For glasses.

Stuart Wellington

[46:04] Yeah, that sounds awesome.

Dan McCoy

[46:05] I don't have to shop for glasses.

[46:06] But you guys seem pretty excited.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] You gotta grind those lenses the same way that Van Leeuwenhocken had to when he invented

[46:12] the microscope.

Dan McCoy

[46:13] And here's one thing, too.

[46:15] For every pair of glasses sold, they distribute a pair to someone in need.

[46:20] So you can feel charitable just because your eyes don't work good.

Elliott Kalan

[46:25] Or apparently your vocabulary.

[46:29] But it's good stuff.

[46:30] So it's very inexpensive glasses.

[46:32] You can try them on before you buy them on.

[46:35] They donate glasses to charity when you buy glasses.

[46:38] You can do it all through the mail.

[46:40] I don't see a downside.

[46:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:42] So if you're interested in this delightful deal, just go to warbyparker.com slash housecat.

[46:48] That's our personalized URL that tells them that the Flophouse sent you.

[46:53] And it also, you know that the housecat, these are the sunglasses that he wears.

Stuart Wellington

[46:57] Yeah, of course.

[46:58] He wouldn't be caught dead in anything else.

Elliott Kalan

[47:02] Is that an RIPD button?

[47:05] So Warby Parker, for all your eyeglasses or sunglasses needs, tell them the Flophouse sent

[47:11] you to their website for glasses.

Dan McCoy

[47:18] But also we want to take a moment to spotlight another one of our friends over at All Things Comedy.

[47:23] Oh, that's our network.

[47:25] Yeah.

[47:25] This week we're spotlighting comedy film nerds.

[47:30] I don't know who in the Flophouse audience would be interested in a podcast titled Comedy

[47:35] Film Nerds.

[47:36] That seems 100% out of their purview.

Elliott Kalan

[47:39] Let's look at the Venn diagram.

[47:40] Oh, no, it's just a circle.

[47:42] Matches completely.

Dan McCoy

[47:44] So this is hosted by Chris Mancini and Graham Elwood.

[47:48] And they actually have their own book, too.

[47:53] The Comedy Film Nerds Guide to Movies.

[47:55] But they're also running a Kickstarter for a documentary called Earbuds, a movie about podcasting.

[48:02] Two ears who are friends.

Elliott Kalan

[48:04] Yeah.

[48:04] A Pixar film.

[48:06] They're on different heads.

[48:08] They're on different.

[48:08] Oh, that's the twist.

[48:10] But they want to be on the same head.

[48:12] But if you...

[48:13] No, they're on the same head and they get separated.

[48:14] They have to find each other in the big city.

[48:16] Okay, it's like body parts.

Dan McCoy

[48:17] But if you would like to see a documentary about podcasting, who wouldn't?

[48:23] Who wouldn't, really?

[48:24] Unless you're a monster.

[48:26] I was going to say a monster.

[48:27] Search comedy film nerds on Kickstarter.

[48:30] Pinhead, I don't think it's like...

Stuart Wellington

[48:31] Pinhead would hate that.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] I'd like to see that documentary.

Stuart Wellington

[48:35] He would take that documentary in DVD form and throw it into your face.

[48:39] And then you'd have a DVD suck in your face forever.

[48:42] So comedy film nerds...

[48:42] That would be kind of erotic.

[48:44] Yeah.

[48:44] It would rip your clothes off, but it sticks you in the face.

Elliott Kalan

[48:46] Well, there's such a thin line between pain and pleasure if you're a Cenobite.

[48:50] So comedy film nerds.

[48:51] Listen to it.

[48:52] Check it out.

[48:53] Warby Parker, buy some glasses.

[48:55] Pro flowers, buy some flowers.

[48:57] But now...

[48:58] RIPD, stay away from that.

[49:00] Do not buy...

[49:01] Do not touch bad.

[49:03] If you see a copy of RIPD, call the police.

[49:05] And I don't mean the ghost police.

[49:07] Call the real police so that they can kill whoever left it there.

Stuart Wellington

[49:10] There's definitely a point in RIPD where...

[49:13] In RIPD?

Elliott Kalan

[49:14] Yeah, RIPD.

Stuart Wellington

[49:16] RIPD.

[49:16] Our initial public doffering.

Dan McCoy

[49:23] That's the first time you doff your cat in public.

Elliott Kalan

[49:26] It's your initial public doffering.

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] There's a moment where these ghost cops are running around, and they don't really seem to have a real crime to solve.

[49:34] They're just goofing and chasing gold.

[49:36] They might have called it gold chasers.

[49:38] Chasing gold.

[49:39] That's...

[49:40] Yes.

[49:41] That's a scene where they should have had, like, a scene over ghost noodles or whatever, where they catch up and, like, learn about how...

[49:47] You know, they're not that different after all.

[49:49] Yeah, they're both ghosts.

[49:51] That scene doesn't exist, though.

Dan McCoy

[49:52] But now, this is the time where we read a few letters from listeners.

[49:58] And, um...

[49:59] How does that start, that segment, usually?

[50:02] I don't...

[50:03] There's usually no...

[50:03] I feel like there's something inside me that I have to let out, but it feels so unfamiliar.

Elliott Kalan

[50:09] And I don't know what it is, but I guess I'll just do it.

[50:14] It's the letter segment.

[50:16] It's letter time for you and me.

[50:18] And you as well, Dan.

[50:20] And you, Stuart.

[50:21] And you, the listener.

[50:23] And you, that cat.

[50:24] It's time for the letters for all.

[50:27] Letters for us and letters for tall.

[50:29] Letters for short.

[50:30] Letters for wide.

[50:32] Letters for thin.

[50:33] Letters side to side.

[50:34] Letters all around.

[50:37] Letters up and down.

[50:39] Letters in here.

[50:40] Letters in there.

[50:41] Letters in your hair.

[50:42] Letters everywhere.

[50:44] Letters that can scare.

[50:45] Letters out there.

[50:46] Letters for everyone here and there and there.

[50:50] Okay.

[50:50] Letter Bag is brought to you by this show.

Dan McCoy

[50:54] All right.

[50:57] Before we get into letters, I just want to make a personal plea.

Elliott Kalan

[51:01] I sang the song and now the letters are not going to follow post-width.

Dan McCoy

[51:05] I want to make a personal plea.

[51:06] Write more letters that compliment Dan, please.

[51:10] Don't get me wrong.

[51:11] We appreciate every letter that we get.

[51:14] Every letter is a precious note.

[51:15] But if you can, try and keep it a little short.

[51:18] Or failing that, write the letter in easily broken apart pieces.

[51:22] So if maybe we want to pull out just one bit of the letter to read on air.

[51:25] Yeah, perforated.

Stuart Wellington

[51:27] And keep those jokes short because we're going to interrupt it like a million times.

[51:32] Dan is going to get super mad.

[51:33] Dan knows.

Dan McCoy

[51:34] Dan knows.

[51:35] We interrupt him all the time.

[51:36] If there's a delayed punchline or a callback, it may not be gotten to.

Elliott Kalan

[51:39] It will not land because we'll have interrupted it.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] But write really complicated words and sentences.

Dan McCoy

[51:45] Because Dan reads them wrong and then we can make fun of him about it.

[51:48] So this first letter is from Mick, last name withheld.

[51:51] He says, yo, floppers, big fan of the podcast.

[51:53] Thanks, Mick.

[51:54] I have not listened.

Elliott Kalan

[51:56] Yo, right back at you.

[51:58] Which is Spanish for I.

Dan McCoy

[51:59] I haven't listened in order from the beginning, so I don't know your origin story.

[52:03] What circumstances...

[52:04] Well, Dan was bitten by a radioactive nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[52:07] Stuart is from the planet Cool Balls.

[52:09] And I'm just your regular vampire private eye.

Dan McCoy

[52:14] What circumstances could have forced a movie podcasting alliance between Elliot and two people

[52:18] who seemingly never slash rarely watch real movies?

[52:22] P.S.

[52:23] What's Dan's first language?

[52:24] How do Elliot and Stuart always know what he means?

[52:26] Is it like a Han Solo Chewbacca situation where the audience is just supposed to suspend

[52:30] their disbelief?

Elliott Kalan

[52:31] And also he only wears a bandolier.

[52:33] Nothing else.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] Maybe you could do the prequel.

[52:34] Explain this.

Stuart Wellington

[52:35] Built with bowcaster bolts, I guess.

[52:37] They look like fucking...

[52:38] They're cartridges for Spokas.

[52:41] They're boxes of chiclets.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] Because Chewbacca has a sweet tooth.

[52:46] We've actually talked about our origin story, how we all got to know each other before.

[52:51] I actually honestly wanted to read this letter mainly to be like, what the fuck are you

[52:55] talking about?

[52:56] Seemingly never will rarely watch real movies.

Elliott Kalan

[52:58] Yeah, that's true.

[52:59] I mean, Stuart, yeah, doesn't.

[53:00] But Dan, he occasionally does.

[53:02] I have...

Dan McCoy

[53:04] Just because I don't talk about classic Hollywood as much as Elliot doesn't mean that I don't

[53:07] have a grounding in...

Stuart Wellington

[53:09] You know, they show all kinds of shit on planes now, dude.

[53:12] Oh, God.

Elliott Kalan

[53:16] Dan's preferred movie theater, the airplane.

Dan McCoy

[53:18] I'll have you know that I am a film school dropout, friends.

Elliott Kalan

[53:22] Yeah, I mean, I know there's internet evidence to prove you were watching Sudden Death with

[53:25] Jean-Claude Van Damme a couple nights ago.

[53:28] And if that's not cinema, then I don't know what is.

Dan McCoy

[53:30] No, but Elliot knows quite well that I'm very conversant in classic Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[53:35] Yeah, well-versed, well-versed.

[53:36] Um...

[53:37] He watches real movies, real in quotes, all the time.

[53:40] And I watch real sex.

[53:41] I get the chance.

[53:45] Purvisoid on the march.

[53:47] And Stuart watches real movies, too.

[53:48] It's not...

[53:49] Usually, it's because his wife wants to watch, like, a rom-com, right?

Stuart Wellington

[53:53] Yeah, that's a real movie, right?

Elliott Kalan

[53:54] I mean, it's slightly more real than, like, Head of the Family.

[53:57] What are you talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[53:59] First off, there's real actors in that.

[54:02] You can't tell me that head is a real.

Elliott Kalan

[54:05] You know how many...

[54:06] Jack Glen LaVell.

[54:06] Jack Glen LaVell, dude, the body on that one.

[54:08] You know how few roles there are for heads?

[54:11] Sure.

[54:12] They're not making that Nexus movie.

[54:14] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[54:15] For fans of Nexus out there.

Stuart Wellington

[54:16] Yeah, they're not the MODOK movies that come out.

Dan McCoy

[54:19] That MODOK series.

[54:22] Moving on.

[54:23] This is from Brad, last name of Hell.

[54:25] Hey, Brad.

[54:25] Bradley Cooper.

[54:26] Hi, guys.

[54:27] Love the show.

[54:28] I've listened to a ton of your episodes, and you continuously crack me up.

[54:31] Before I forget, Elliot's friend John asked me to deliver a message.

[54:35] Parentheses.

[54:36] Picks up Elliot's stapler.

[54:37] This is mine now, nerd.

[54:39] And while walking away, I'm supposed to shout that Dan isn't always better than you, but

[54:43] you're also really funny, too, so I'm not going to do that.

[54:45] I'm taking your stapler, though.

Elliott Kalan

[54:46] Oh, thanks.

[54:47] Well...

[54:47] So apparently Brad had a Hodgman...

[54:49] Apparently either he was involved with Hodgman, or Hodgman told him to do something, or

[54:53] he imagined it.

[54:54] Yeah.

[54:55] But here's the thing.

[54:56] Hodgman wouldn't take a stapler.

[54:57] He'd take something I wanted, like a toy, or like a personal object, you know, like a

[55:03] wallet or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[55:04] Here's something that happened.

[55:05] When you became head writer...

Stuart Wellington

[55:07] Two tickets to see, I don't know, Justin Bieber or something?

Dan McCoy

[55:10] Yeah, yeah, because I want both seats.

Elliott Kalan

[55:12] One for me and one for my crush.

Dan McCoy

[55:14] When you became head writer, he walked into my room and picked up my Nerf gun, and I thought,

[55:22] okay, well, now it's happening to me.

[55:24] But he just wanted to take it down the hall to shoot at you, and then he returned it to

[55:29] me.

Elliott Kalan

[55:29] But he bought me this huge Nerf gun.

[55:33] It's enormous, and it fires the pellets, because they're not suction cup thingies.

[55:37] They're just like little Nerf bullets.

[55:39] So hard.

[55:40] And so, of course, he shot me with one of them, and it stung really bad.

Stuart Wellington

[55:43] It's a little late for you to slap together that Rocket Raccoon audition tape.

Elliott Kalan

[55:48] No, it's never too late.

[55:50] Never too late.

Stuart Wellington

[55:51] Called up your pal Harry Knowles to shoot the video for you.

[55:53] I'll do it in the sequel.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[55:56] Maybe I'll be in the Rocky Raccoon movie.

[55:59] This letter is from Will and Craig, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[56:02] Two people at one time?

Dan McCoy

[56:04] It's titled...

[56:04] Now, do they have the same last name or different last names?

[56:07] It's titled Road Trippin' with a Flophouse.

[56:10] Dear Dan, Stuart, and Housecat.

[56:12] My friend, Craig, last name withheld, and I wanted to let you know that we drove from

[56:17] Seattle to Austin this week.

[56:18] It's a long drive.

[56:19] And listened to about one million episodes of your podcast En Route.

[56:23] This is my third or fourth time through the back catalog, but Craig's first exposure to

[56:26] the Flophouse.

[56:27] He immediately took a liking to Dan and decided he hated Elliot.

[56:31] Wow.

[56:31] Going so far...

[56:32] So he shares the same taste as the internet.

[56:35] Going so far as to constantly mock the way Elliot says, and I'm Elliot Kan.

[56:38] And Dan's Kan.

[56:40] Fuck you, Elliot.

[56:41] Typically followed.

Elliott Kalan

[56:42] Really?

[56:43] Just because I introduced myself?

Dan McCoy

[56:45] There's a turnaround coming.

[56:47] However, a few days and several hundred miles later, Craig had decided that actually he'd

[56:51] like he and Elliot to be the best of friends.

[56:54] You see, they share the same affinity for constantly trolling everyone, especially Dan, who has

[56:59] trouble speaking English.

[57:01] I don't know if I call it trolling.

[57:03] It's affectionate ribbing.

[57:04] Craig has his own problems with our language.

[57:05] It's evidenced numerous times on the road tip when he took required attempts...

[57:10] What's a road tip?

[57:12] It's a good thing to know when you're going out on the road.

[57:14] When he took required attempts to get a simple sentence out.

[57:17] I think you also have trouble with the language, sir.

[57:21] But squealed in glee each and every time Elliot caught Dan in a similar misspeaking incident.

[57:26] The moral of the story, if Elliot has any interest in visiting Austin...

[57:30] I do.

[57:30] Craig would certainly buy him some Popeyes.

[57:32] Thanks for passing the time so well as we drove through Wyoming, South New Mexico, and

[57:37] other assholes of America.

[57:38] Wow.

[57:39] Love.

[57:40] P.S.

[57:40] Also free David Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[57:42] Nope.

[57:42] David Kalin will continue to stay imprisoned in the bottle city of Kandor, where they have

[57:46] no sports.

[57:47] It's the worst punishment of all.

Stuart Wellington

[57:51] It wouldn't be so bad being tiny if they had a tiny football team.

Elliott Kalan

[57:56] I think if him going from hating me to loving me over the course of a car ride is more

[58:01] a Stockholm Syndrome type thing, he started connecting with me as a captor.

Dan McCoy

[58:06] Yeah.

[58:07] I have one last...

[58:08] But thank you for writing in.

[58:09] I have one last surprise for you guys.

[58:11] You're a woman.

[58:13] This is just like the end of just one of the guys.

[58:15] Dan just ripped open his shirt to reveal boobs.

[58:18] These gifts came in.

[58:19] What?

[58:20] Around the holidays.

[58:21] I've been saving them since Elliot's been on paternity leave.

Elliott Kalan

[58:24] Yeah.

[58:24] It says, happy holidays.

[58:25] It's all wrapped up.

[58:26] My name's on it.

Dan McCoy

[58:27] So this comes...

Stuart Wellington

[58:28] There's a snowman.

[58:29] I like that it's not, you know, Christian or anything.

Dan McCoy

[58:32] This comes with note cards that say, read after unwrapping.

[58:36] From Sam...

[58:38] I'm going to mispronounce this.

[58:39] Duncalio?

[58:41] Duncalio.

[58:43] But thank you, Sam.

[58:45] Duncalo.

[58:45] For these gifts.

[58:47] Oh, so you...

[58:48] I already unwrapped mine.

[58:49] I could not...

[58:50] Because you have no patience.

[58:51] No.

[58:51] Mine is 15 films of horror.

[58:57] He also gave me the remake of Sleuth, which I left at work because I don't care about the remake of Sleuth.

Elliott Kalan

[59:02] And they gave me Six String Samurai, a movie I was just thinking about the other day.

Stuart Wellington

[59:06] And he gave me a Mon Apocalypse of Devilman.

Dan McCoy

[59:10] All right, so now I'm going to read the notes.

[59:12] Thank you very much, sir.

[59:15] Floppy belated holidays, he writes.

[59:16] Big fan, wanted to share a few DVDs from my personal collection.

[59:20] Please enjoy or possibly enjoy not enjoying them, as the case may be.

[59:24] For Dan, a Michael Caine movie I never bothered to unwrap, plus a not terrible collection of old horror flicks.

[59:30] For Elliot, a terribly pretentious slash just terrible movie about a guy who wanders the desert blowing a guitar or some shit.

[59:36] I don't know if it's terrible so much as...

[59:38] I'm going to back him up.

[59:39] Great.

[59:40] There's also a kid following him, or he rescues him, or blah, blah, blah.

[59:45] Its artiness is so heavy-handed that I know it was the one for Elliot.

[59:49] For Stuart, a hyper-gory anime that probably is legitimately damaged my psyche.

[59:55] It's from the Devilman series, which is in another movie.

[59:59] Includes women, demons getting their boobs torn off in battle.

[1:00:03] Yes, you read that right.

[1:00:04] No ding-dong ripping, though.

[1:00:05] Sorry.

[1:00:06] Okay.

[1:00:07] That's all.

[1:00:07] Keep on flopping.

[1:00:08] I guess if it's good for the gander.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:10] As Stuart tosses it into the bin.

[1:00:12] P.S.

[1:00:13] So basically you wanted to clear out your DVD collection so you mailed it to us.

[1:00:16] I think that's true.

[1:00:17] But the thought is nice.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:18] P.S.

[1:00:19] Dan, I know Elliot and Stuart seem more...

[1:00:21] I mean, these were wrapped really well.

[1:00:22] Yeah, that's true.

[1:00:22] P.S.

[1:00:23] Dan, I know Elliot and Stuart seem more thoughtful.

[1:00:25] They are.

[1:00:26] That's why you got two.

[1:00:28] No, I mean, yes, I did leave, as I said, Sleuth at work because I don't care about it.

[1:00:33] But these are just...

[1:00:34] This collection of 15 classic horror movies.

[1:00:38] There's some good movies on there.

[1:00:39] Or, not bad.

[1:00:40] Last Man on Earth is on there.

[1:00:41] I'm sure the fact that there's 15 on them on three discs means that the transfer is not

[1:00:46] great.

[1:00:47] Very high.

[1:00:48] Sure.

[1:00:48] But there's some stuff in there that looks great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:50] Yeah, Carnival of Souls.

[1:00:51] That's a good movie.

[1:00:52] Yeah.

[1:00:52] Night of the Living Dead.

[1:00:53] That's a fantastic movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:55] So, yeah.

[1:00:56] Send us gifts, I guess.

[1:00:58] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:58] Yeah.

[1:00:59] Thank you.

[1:00:59] Feel free to send us gifts now.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:01] Thank you very much, Sam.

[1:01:02] We may or may not open them on air.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:05] But now...

[1:01:06] I'm so glad there was not anthrax in there.

[1:01:08] Yeah.

[1:01:09] We should take a moment to recommend some movies.

[1:01:11] To remember our fallen friends.

[1:01:14] And the RIPD.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:15] Let's remember all the movies that have fallen in the last year.

[1:01:18] Can we roll that montage?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:20] We can't?

[1:01:21] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:22] Well, I guess we shouldn't have spent all the time preparing it.

[1:01:25] It was really good.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:26] No, this is the part of the podcast where we recommend movies that we actually liked in contrast

[1:01:32] to RIPD.

[1:01:34] Elliot, you've been gone.

[1:01:36] Why don't you start us off?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:37] Well, my movie watching of late has been slightly less frequent.

[1:01:42] Yeah, curtailed due to my new responsibilities as a human taker-carer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:47] So, you've mainly just been watching a lot of, what, Takeshi Miyeke movies?

[1:01:50] Yeah, well, I want him to get...

[1:01:52] Laura's Montreux.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:52] I want him to embrace the classics early.

[1:01:56] Just stuff that's age-appropriate.

[1:01:57] So, you know, Cannibal Holocaust, that type of thing.

[1:02:00] Ishi the Killer and so forth.

[1:02:01] But one movie I saw that I had not seen before, that I liked a lot, was Martin Scorsese's

[1:02:07] first film, Who's That Knocking at My Door?

[1:02:10] Which I haven't...

[1:02:11] One of the big problems, again, with having a baby is I haven't gotten to see Wolf of Wall

[1:02:17] Street.

[1:02:17] So, I decided, all right, instead of seeing his most recent movie, I'll see his first movie.

[1:02:21] And it's interesting how, for a movie that is a first film, much of it taken from his student

[1:02:27] film that he made at NYU, I think, it really feels like a Martin Scorsese movie all the

[1:02:32] way through.

[1:02:33] Like, you're seeing a director who is going to develop into a better film craftsman, but

[1:02:38] all the things he wants to do, for the most part, are there.

[1:02:41] And I enjoyed it a lot.

[1:02:42] I thought it was good.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:44] I'm going to take a page from Elliot's playbook and recommend two movies.

[1:02:49] I watched, number one, on Netflix streaming.

[1:02:52] Well, I actually watched both of these on Netflix streaming, although only one of them is still

[1:02:55] on Netflix streaming.

[1:02:56] The first one here, which is a documentary called Ray Harryhausen, Special Effects Titan.

[1:03:03] It's your typical...

[1:03:04] It's your typical Ray Harryhausen documentary.

[1:03:07] No, it's your typical Talking Head documentary.

[1:03:10] And that David Byrne's in it.

[1:03:12] A lot of directors who were influenced by Ray Harryhausen, but also a lot of footage of

[1:03:16] Ray Harryhausen, the man himself, before he passed away, and a generous helping of footage

[1:03:23] from Ray Harryhausen films.

[1:03:26] That never hurts, you know?

[1:03:27] No, it does not hurt.

[1:03:28] It's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:29] It's kind of like a glorified...

[1:03:30] Unless it's the footage that he didn't work on, like the non-special effects scenes.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:33] Yeah.

[1:03:34] It's a glorified what?

[1:03:35] It could be thought of as a glorified DVD extra in style, but it's the best version

[1:03:42] of that.

[1:03:43] It's an entertaining version of that about a subject that's interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:47] It's not like those behind the scenes of Sherlock shows they've been airing after Sherlock?

[1:03:51] I don't know.

[1:03:52] That really do feel like a DVD extra that PBS is just padding out their schedule with?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:58] No, this is a good version of that.

[1:04:00] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:00] Because those ones are a bad version of that.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:02] About a worthy subject.

[1:04:03] But also, and I can't believe I'm recommending this, I watched Jean-Claude Van Damme's Sudden

[1:04:10] Death.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:10] I thought I already recommended that.

[1:04:12] It's possible.

[1:04:13] Two recommendations for Sudden Death.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:15] It's basically a diehard in a hockey stadium, and as I said...

[1:04:20] I think they're called arenas.

[1:04:21] As I said on the...

[1:04:22] Rink.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:23] Whatever.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:24] As I said on the Flophouse Facebook page, they used every part of the buffalo in this

[1:04:30] movie, the buffalo being that hockey stadium.

[1:04:33] Like every possible use of...

[1:04:36] Like they have a...

[1:04:37] Even the Powers Booth grotto.

[1:04:38] They have a fight in the rink kitchen with Van Damme and a lady in a mascot costume that

[1:04:48] uses everything in a kitchen that could be used to kill somebody.

[1:04:52] There's a scene in it where Van Damme disguises himself as a hockey player and then gets called

[1:04:57] out on the ice to be a goalie for a while.

[1:05:02] And it has a villain who is so committed to the idea that he's going to blow up the stadium

[1:05:07] exactly when the game's over that when the game goes into sudden death, he's like, well,

[1:05:11] I guess I got to hold off a little.

[1:05:14] So it's a very silly movie, but it's a fun movie if you're a fan of action movies of that

[1:05:20] era.

[1:05:21] So Stuart, what do you have?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:24] I'm going to recommend a movie from this year.

[1:05:26] I don't know if we've talked about it already, but I recently watched Captain Phillips with

[1:05:31] Thomas Hanks.

[1:05:33] And, you know, there's a movie that has got a lot of press.

[1:05:37] And I think, I mean, it's been nominated for a variety of awards.

[1:05:40] And not to throw out too many spoilers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:42] Yeah, the Hugo, the Edgar, the Good Housekeeping, the Popular Mechanics Best of What's New,

[1:05:47] the Caldecott, the Newbery.

[1:05:49] The Cable Ace Award.

[1:05:52] The Best Baby and World's Greatest Grandpa.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:56] Wait a minute.

[1:05:57] That changes every year?

[1:05:59] Yeah, it does.

[1:05:59] Oh, man, I'm going to have to take a baby's mug back.

[1:06:03] Yeah.

[1:06:04] So, World's Best Baby.

[1:06:06] It seems bullshit.

[1:06:08] It's not like the baby needs to fucking raise its spirits or something.

[1:06:11] What's the baby going to do?

[1:06:12] Wear that to the office to show everybody?

[1:06:14] It's a serious award.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:16] When the baby goes to work, he's got to drink his coffee out of something.

[1:06:20] It's that mug.

[1:06:22] The Westminster Kennel Club.

[1:06:24] Also recognized Captain Phillips.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:26] So, I feel like Tom Hanks, one of the things I liked about this movie is that it, you know,

[1:06:32] it, from the trailers, if you've seen the trailers or seen the movie, I don't give a shit,

[1:06:37] you probably have an understanding of what the movie is about.

[1:06:41] And I feel like it kind of goes in that direction, but it's really the performances that I'm selling

[1:06:46] it.

[1:06:47] And I feel like Tom Hanks, both in this movie and maybe his whole career, I feel like he

[1:06:51] has been striving to convince me that he's my dad.

[1:06:55] Okay?

[1:06:56] Like, we have built this emotional connection together.

[1:06:58] And in the last five minutes of this movie, spoiler alert.

[1:07:01] Oh, holy shit, the last five minutes.

[1:07:02] They're so brutal.

[1:07:03] The last five minutes of this movie, I'm basically watching my dad break down and bawl his eyes

[1:07:08] out.

[1:07:09] And I was destroyed.

[1:07:11] Yeah.

[1:07:12] We called that bawling your eyes out to tear them out.

[1:07:16] Spoiler alert.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:17] I watched this with my wife and both of us, like, at the very end of the movie.

[1:07:21] We're just breaking down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:22] I haven't cried that much since the last time I watched a Tom Hanks movie called Toy Story

[1:07:27] 3.

[1:07:27] Yeah.

[1:07:28] It's all Larry Crown.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:31] You were crying.

[1:07:33] Why did he lose his job?

[1:07:35] Why did Hollywood make this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:37] Who was it for?

[1:07:38] I haven't cried that much since another Tom Hanks movie made me wonder, what happened to

[1:07:44] the other red shoe?

[1:07:45] Why does the man only have one red shoe?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:48] What a lonely shoe.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:50] Why does he have to be big?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:55] Well, so, Captain Phillips.

[1:07:57] Cloud Atlas.

[1:07:58] But yeah, Captain Phillips is a very tense movie.

[1:08:00] Even knowing what happens, because it's based on a true story, I was very, like, I was tense

[1:08:04] throughout and, like, in suspense.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:07] So, four great recommendations.

[1:08:10] But now, I recommend we end this podcast.

[1:08:15] That's a segue, guys.

[1:08:16] Is that a movie?

[1:08:17] That's great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:17] That's how you do it.

[1:08:18] That's why you're the professional.

[1:08:19] Professional podcaster.

[1:08:20] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:21] Elliot.

[1:08:22] Yes?

[1:08:23] It was a delight to spend some time with Hallie, but it's nice to have you back home.

[1:08:26] It feels good to be back.

[1:08:27] Welcome back.

[1:08:28] Your dreams were your ticket out.

[1:08:30] Welcome back.

[1:08:31] To that same old place you joked about.

[1:08:33] What?

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:33] Dan, it's good to see you behind the steering wheel.

[1:08:35] Thanks.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:36] Stuart, it's good to see you.

[1:08:37] Steady hand at the pillar.

[1:08:38] It's great to see you with that scarf.

[1:08:39] The scarf is pretty awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:41] Yeah.

[1:08:42] It's both a fashion statement and it keeps my neck warm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:44] Dan, great to see you alive.

[1:08:47] Wait, I don't...

[1:08:48] Okay.

[1:08:48] For how long?

[1:08:50] Thanks.

[1:08:50] Did you enjoy that beer you just had?

[1:08:52] What?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:53] The beer marked poison.

[1:08:55] Oh, God.

[1:08:56] Well, I got to get some antidote for this, so we should sign off.

[1:08:59] Yeah.

[1:09:00] For the Flap House, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:03] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:09:05] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:06] And I am once again Elliot Kalin.

[1:09:08] Good night, everyone.

[1:09:09] Back in the saddle.

[1:09:16] I've got it on my phone in case we need to look at it.

[1:09:18] In case you're like, what do we do next, Elliot?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:20] That sounds exactly like me.

[1:09:23] That's me, Dan.

[1:09:24] I'm a drunk clown.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:28] That's a drunk clown.

[1:09:29] Anyway, continue.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:32] So we're doing, like, characters?

[1:09:35] Yeah, now you...

[1:09:36] What did I miss?

[1:09:36] Dan is the drunk clown.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:38] This is how I do this show now that I'm back.

[1:09:39] Stuart, you're kind of like a happy-go-lucky ragamuffin penguin.

[1:09:43] I don't think that works.

[1:09:44] And I'm like a...

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:45] I think I should play a super, like, stodgy, super by-the-book, no-nonsense...

[1:09:50] Penguin.

[1:09:51] Stodgy penguin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:54] And I am my new character of Laser Spaceman.

[1:09:59] Okay.

[1:09:59] Who is a janitor who works in a middle school.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:02] And I'll play Dr. Sexo, the sexologist.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:05] You're already the drunk clown.

[1:10:06] He gets two characters?

[1:10:07] You can have two characters, too.

[1:10:09] You're also, like, a single mom struggling to make ends meet on the moon.

[1:10:11] That sounds like me.

[1:10:12] And I'm an underwater cop named Fisho McKenzie.

[1:10:20] I solve water crimes.

[1:10:22] Fisho's a family name, right?

[1:10:23] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:10:25] Goes back to the old country.

[1:10:26] Land.

[1:10:27] Land.

The Flop House: Episode #145 - R.I.P.D.

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