The Flop House: Episode #146 - BAP*S

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Because someone won a contest, and definitely not because it's Black History Month,

[0:05] we discuss the film FAPS.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:38] And over there is Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] And right across from me, saying that thing is Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] And we are...

[0:45] The Flophouse!

[0:46] Podcast!

[0:47] Dear Flophouse.

[0:48] Why are we German all of a sudden?

[0:50] I don't know.

[0:50] And wouldn't it be Das Flophouse?

[0:51] And it'd be Das Floppenhaus.

[0:54] Das Floppenhausen.

[0:55] Okay, let's start all over.

[0:56] Okay.

[0:57] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:58] I'm Elliot Wellington.

[1:00] I'm Stuart Kalin.

[1:02] And we are...

Stuart Wellington

[1:04] The Floppenhaus.

[1:06] Rated R.

[1:07] It's playing at...

[1:09] Wait, we're not doing the same thing.

[1:10] No, we're not doing that bit right now.

[1:12] Okay, so thanks for tuning in.

[1:15] We're a podcast.

[1:16] We talk about bad movies after we watch them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19] Yep, and did we do...

[1:20] Because if we tried to do it before we watched them...

[1:22] We'd be like, is this movie going to be bad?

[1:25] We don't have much to talk about.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] How was your day, fellas?

[1:28] That's what we would say.

[1:30] Yeah.

[1:31] Talking about Julian Fellows.

[1:34] So, normally we watch a newish bad movie.

[1:38] And by newish, I mean...

[1:39] Jewish.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] New.

[1:41] A Jewish bad movie like...

[1:43] Like the Yiddish vampire or...

[1:46] A Serious Man.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] A Serious Man's a good movie.

[1:49] Or Dracula Dead and Loving It.

Elliott Kalan

[1:51] Yeah, or Dracjula.

[1:53] No one where he's Jewish.

[1:56] No Svaraju.

[1:59] And let's not forget a vampire in Brooklyn.

[2:01] Yep.

[2:02] He's in the Orthodox section of William Spurrick.

Dan McCoy

[2:04] Yeah, exactly.

[2:06] He's mostly...

[2:07] Instead of sucking people's blood, he's mostly angry at cyclists.

Elliott Kalan

[2:11] Yeah, well here's the problem.

[2:12] It's not kosher to eat blood.

[2:14] Yeah.

[2:14] But he's got to because he's a vampire.

Stuart Wellington

[2:15] He drives a really awesome minivan hearse.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] Yeah, and his mother's always like,

[2:20] Have you heard of my son, the vampire?

[2:23] He could have been a doctor, but no, a vampire.

Dan McCoy

[2:31] So, anyway, we normally watch a movie that is new.

Elliott Kalan

[2:35] From the past year or so.

Dan McCoy

[2:37] We like to limit ourselves.

[2:39] Yeah, something new to DVD or video on demand, usually.

[2:43] But in this case, we watched a film that was requested by our contest winner.

[2:48] You may remember that we had a He's the House Cat, parentheses, Arthur's theme music video contest.

Elliott Kalan

[2:55] And there were some fantastic entries.

[2:57] Amazing.

[2:57] I would call it our most successful contest.

Dan McCoy

[2:59] Based on the quality of the work provided, yes.

[3:02] But not based on the quality of the movie we had to watch.

[3:04] No, because the jerk who won the contest.

[3:07] Wow.

[3:08] Burn.

[3:09] David Burn.

[3:10] He decided that we should watch the movie BAPS.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] Hey, guys.

[3:15] You should watch the movie BAPS.

Dan McCoy

[3:16] That was David Burn winning the contest.

[3:18] Oh, wow.

[3:18] That's a really good impression.

[3:19] Thank you.

[3:20] BAPS is B asterisk, A asterisk.

[3:23] No, B period.

[3:25] B asterisk.

[3:26] Period.

[3:26] On the poster, it's asterisk.

Elliott Kalan

[3:28] No, it's totally asterisk.

[3:31] It's initials, though.

[3:32] It's not like how Neo Tokyo is about to E dash, X dash, P dash, L dash, O dash, D dash, E dash.

Dan McCoy

[3:40] I mean dash, I mean asterisks.

[3:41] If you look at the poster, if you go to IMDb, there's asterisks.

[3:45] So they're footnotes to the title is what you're saying.

Stuart Wellington

[3:49] All related to the same thing for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[3:51] Yeah, because otherwise it'd be an asterisk, a cross, double crosses, and so forth.

Dan McCoy

[3:54] And that stands for Black American Princesses, which is something that is not explained by the movie until the very end.

Elliott Kalan

[4:02] And it's not even really explained until at the end.

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Yeah.

[4:06] It's a kind of slur, as Elliot pointed out, based on a Jewish slur.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] It is the, I guess, black version of an anti-Jewish slur, but it is used as a term of endearment at the end.

[4:18] By the vampire who dies.

[4:20] Vampire Brooklyn.

[4:21] When Academy Award winner Martin Landau expresses his love for future Academy Award winner Halle Berry in this movie called BAPS.

Stuart Wellington

[4:29] And her friend played by...

[4:33] Actress, TVT.

Elliott Kalan

[4:35] Wow, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[4:37] That's the kind of bro humor we're trying to avoid.

[4:40] That is, I say that only in that the movie seems to only define her as chubby friend to Halle Berry.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] They have two, each character has one.

[4:50] Okay, so there's Halle Berry and there's Natalie DeSell-Reed is the other...

[4:55] Thanks, Elliot.

[4:56] She went on to be America's sweetheart.

[4:58] Thanks, Wikipedia.

[4:58] But they are best friends and they each have one character trait.

[5:02] Natalie is...

[5:03] No, no, she has a couple.

[5:04] Natalie plays the character of Mickey.

[5:06] Mickey is...

Dan McCoy

[5:08] So fine.

[5:09] She's so fine.

[5:10] She blows my mind.

[5:11] I didn't know you were into that.

[5:12] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:13] Yeah.

[5:14] You're like a real Martin Landau over there.

[5:17] There's Mickey who is a good cook and sassy, as they both are.

[5:22] Sure.

[5:22] Overweight and also prone to argue.

[5:26] And there's Niecy, played by Halle Berry, whose character trait is wants to be a fly girl.

[5:34] And that's about it.

[5:35] Also prone to argue.

[5:36] Prone to argue, sassy, and so forth.

Dan McCoy

[5:37] Now, I feel like we'll be picking our words even more carefully than during the Tyler Perry...

[5:42] I don't think we will.

[5:44] ...temptation episode.

[5:45] Well, just because, like, I think that the...

[5:47] Because I'm a racist.

[5:48] The movie is laying a racist trap for us by indulging in the worst racist stereotypes of, like, a...

[5:58] This is, like, a cartoon sketch comedy version of, like...

[6:03] Black people.

[6:04] Yeah, like, oh, hairdressing...

[6:07] They've all got gold teeth.

[6:08] Long fingernail.

Elliott Kalan

[6:09] Oh, all they want to do is dance and shake their butts and eat soul food, and they have long nails, and yeah, et cetera, et cetera.

[6:14] They got huge haircuts, and they're really...

[6:17] They don't understand anything about anything that's supposed to be sophisticated or classy.

[6:22] Right.

Dan McCoy

[6:22] In this movie directed by Robert Townsend, the man who made Hollywood Shuffle, the comedy about how there's no good roles for black actors.

[6:28] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[6:29] Because he took him when he was in Meteor Man.

Elliott Kalan

[6:31] Yeah, sure.

[6:32] He took the best role.

[6:33] The guy who ended Robert Town, and hence, that's how he got the name.

[6:36] Actually, it's like Howard's End, but for Robert Town.

Dan McCoy

[6:39] I do like that idea, though, Stuart.

[6:41] Like, oh, the best Meteor Men are going to white actors.

[6:44] It's my turn.

Elliott Kalan

[6:47] As Dan, as you were mentioning while we were talking during the movie, because it was really boring,

[6:51] Robert Townsend started out and made a couple movies that got him a lot of attention, and since then, it's been kind of a long slide with Baps in it.

Dan McCoy

[7:00] But yeah, he seems to be doing all right.

[7:02] He's getting a lot of television directing work, as many film directors are doing these days.

[7:07] You know, and TV's where it's at, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] Take it easy.

[7:11] True detective.

Stuart Wellington

[7:12] This is a podcast about movies, Dave.

Elliott Kalan

[7:15] Yeah.

[7:15] Okay.

[7:16] We get it.

[7:16] We'll watch The Wire or something.

[7:17] Anyway, and he can always rely on his brother, Pete Townsend, for a little bit of money every

[7:21] now and then.

Dan McCoy

[7:22] He patented the windmill move, so any other guitarist who does that has to pay a pretty penny.

Elliott Kalan

[7:26] Anytime you call Pete Townsend, he says, this is what you want to do if he calls you.

[7:30] He goes, hi, this is Pete Townsend.

[7:31] And you go, who?

[7:33] Get it.

[7:34] Because you want to get him to hang up as quickly as possible.

[7:37] You don't want to talk to him.

Dan McCoy

[7:38] I thought you were going to be like, hey, it's your brother.

[7:40] Your brother, Robert Townsend.

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] You know what sound you've been looking for?

[7:45] About your generation?

[7:47] Anyway, should we talk about what this movie's about?

[7:49] What is he doing?

[7:50] What's going on?

[7:51] Yeah.

[7:51] And then he plays.

[7:52] And he's like, wait, yeah, I totally made that CD.

[7:54] I recorded that 40 years ago.

[7:56] Yeah, that's my song.

[7:58] I wrote it.

Stuart Wellington

[7:59] It's a song called Let My Love Open the Door.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] He's like, OK.

[8:03] Later, Pete.

[8:04] Anybody?

Stuart Wellington

[8:05] And then he hangs up on his brother, Robert.

[8:07] Anyway, here's a movie.

[8:08] Fast forward to Bratz or whatever we watched.

[8:10] Baps.

Elliott Kalan

[8:11] Now, Bratz and Baps have a lot in common in that the name sounds similar,

[8:14] and they're about ladies doing it for themselves.

[8:17] Masturbating?

[8:19] That's not what I meant, no.

[8:21] I mean, it's an example of ladies doing it for themselves.

Dan McCoy

[8:23] Because I've seen a lot of movies about ladies doing it for themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[8:27] Yeah, I don't want to hear about those while the podcast is on.

[8:31] OK.

[8:31] So, uh...

[8:32] I'll give you a list later.

[8:33] So, Niecy and Mickey live in Georgia.

[8:36] Mm-hmm.

[8:36] And they work at a soul food diner.

[8:38] They're waitresses.

[8:39] Bernie Mac runs the diner.

[8:41] Yep.

[8:41] And they...

Dan McCoy

[8:42] He is a stern taskmaster.

[8:44] Yeah, he stops by to depress us because he's left us.

Elliott Kalan

[8:47] By reminding us of the death that would occur years later.

[8:51] Yeah.

[8:51] You think every...

[8:52] In a way, every actor is reminding us of our own mortality.

[8:55] Yeah, every actor by eventually dying is just setting us up to be sad when we see the movies.

[9:01] All too human.

[9:03] Except, of course, Martin Landau, who is a vampire.

[9:06] Sure.

[9:06] Or a Das Mampierre.

[9:08] He's a regular Nosferatu.

[9:10] Anyway, so...

[9:11] They are...

[9:13] They get fired because they are not particularly good.

[9:17] They're not good at work.

[9:17] I mean, they got fired?

[9:18] I thought that was just the end of their shift.

[9:20] Or maybe they got docked pay or something.

[9:23] Yes.

[9:23] I thought they got fired.

[9:24] But anyway, they want to open the first combination of hair salon and soul food restaurant because

[9:28] why not?

[9:28] They love hair.

[9:29] They love soul food.

[9:30] Let's make it happen.

[9:31] And they love hair getting cut and falling in people's food.

[9:35] Falling in people's, I guess, you know, fried okra and things like that.

[9:39] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[9:39] Your collard greens, your cornbreads.

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] You got to give in to the fantasy, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[9:44] What?

[9:44] You got to give in to the fantasy.

[9:45] It's like Crouching Tiger and Dragon.

Elliott Kalan

[9:47] You don't really think Chinese people can fly around, right?

[9:50] Yeah.

[9:50] What?

Stuart Wellington

[9:51] You just got to accept it.

[9:52] You just believe that it happens.

[9:53] Yeah.

[9:54] It's part of the...

[9:55] I think we really saddened Bum Dan out.

[9:58] First we show him a dead actor.

[9:59] Now we talk about Crouching Tiger and Dragon.

Elliott Kalan

[10:02] All his least favorite things.

[10:04] Human mortality.

[10:05] The work of Ang Lee.

[10:08] Anyway, so they see an ad and hear an ad and then see it again on TV for a fly girl contest

[10:15] to be a dancer in a new Heavy D video.

[10:18] No kidding.

[10:19] World famous Heavy D?

[10:20] Mm-hmm.

[10:21] The heaviest.

[10:22] Of all the D's.

[10:23] Mr. D himself, heavy.

[10:25] Please, Mr. D lives in Florida.

[10:27] Call me heavy.

[10:28] Is that his dick?

[10:30] Is that what's heavy?

[10:30] I don't...

[10:31] Is that...

[10:32] I don't...

[10:32] Maybe a heavy dog he owns?

Dan McCoy

[10:36] Dinosaurs are pretty heavy.

[10:37] Maybe he's a dad.

[10:38] The big ones, yeah.

[10:39] Or is it like defense?

[10:40] Like tenacity?

[10:41] Like Doritos?

[10:43] It's probably Doritos.

[10:45] He's got heavy Doritos.

Stuart Wellington

[10:46] And when they pulled the sponsorship, he just shortened it to D.

[10:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] I think it's for Dormouse because he loves his favorite character, Mouse in Wonderland.

Stuart Wellington

[10:52] His hip-hop artist, Heavy Doritos.

[10:55] Yep.

[10:55] It's for Deflator Mouse, his favorite opera.

[10:58] Yes.

[10:59] Deflator Mouse.

Elliott Kalan

[11:01] Heavy Deflator Mouse.

[11:02] He's watching it.

[11:03] He's going, oh, this character would be so much better if he was heavier.

[11:07] You know what?

[11:07] This opera needs some soul.

Stuart Wellington

[11:12] Anyway.

[11:13] Okay.

[11:13] So something about a Heavy D video.

[11:15] So they want...

[11:16] Would you call that a MacGuffin, Ellie?

Elliott Kalan

[11:17] I would call it a MacGuffin, and I'll tell you why.

[11:20] Because...

[11:20] It never comes up again.

[11:21] Because it's a total waste of our time.

[11:24] So Halle Berry sees this ad.

[11:26] She says, I want to win the $10,000 and be named Video Woman of the World or something

[11:31] like that.

[11:31] Sure.

[11:31] They go to LA.

[11:33] They fly there to audition for this video.

[11:35] And the audition goes poorly.

[11:37] How poorly?

[11:37] So poorly, we're not even shown it in the film.

[11:40] We see them...

[11:41] We see an aftermath.

[11:42] We see them waiting online.

[11:44] They briefly irritate the other dancers online.

[11:46] Cut to...

Stuart Wellington

[11:47] And catch the eye of a lascivious Spaniard.

Elliott Kalan

[11:52] Aren't they all, Stuart?

[11:53] Aren't they all?

[11:54] A regular puss and apostrophe boots.

[11:58] But we cut to Halle Berry and Mickey just walking out.

[12:03] And their hair is all destroyed.

[12:06] Apparently, they got into some fight and hit some girls with their hair.

[12:10] We don't get to see it.

[12:11] The movie deemed it...

[12:11] It's called gapping.

[12:12] Not essential.

[12:13] But it's so weird.

[12:14] It's like if Star Wars...

[12:17] If they showed us them preparing for the Death Star Trench run.

[12:20] Cut to them getting their medals.

[12:22] And it's like, all right, I guess they didn't want us to see the scene that was leading up

[12:25] to.

Stuart Wellington

[12:26] Maybe it was because every scene up to this point was so chock full of jokes.

[12:30] They had nothing they could cut.

[12:31] And they're like, fuck it.

[12:32] Just cut this.

Elliott Kalan

[12:33] We're running long on time.

[12:35] We gotta cut all the scenes.

Stuart Wellington

[12:36] We can't cut the seven male characters who show up and lick their lips and try to hit on

[12:43] them.

Dan McCoy

[12:44] There's one guy who...

[12:45] You can't cut the cavalcade of minor black celebrities.

[12:49] Ew, cameo.

Elliott Kalan

[12:49] There's one guy who you see in a club hitting on a girl and then you never see him again.

[12:54] It's like, all right, I guess that was just the one...

[12:57] I thought he was gonna be a character, but he's just, you know...

Stuart Wellington

[12:59] Well, it's to add a little bit of character to this club to make it feel realistic, Elliot.

[13:03] I was the sort of club where people get hit on.

[13:05] Every time you go to a club, there's one guy who, while talking to one girl, is looking

[13:10] at every other wife's butt.

Elliott Kalan

[13:11] Oh, so it's Dan's what I'm at.

[13:13] I think that's what he was doing, right?

[13:15] He was checking out other girls' butts, yeah.

[13:17] I don't know if they were wives, but...

[13:18] I mean, you don't know that they're not.

[13:21] That's a good point.

Stuart Wellington

[13:22] We also don't see them.

[13:23] We're just assuming he's looking at women.

[13:25] They don't actually...

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] No, no, the women walk by.

[13:26] Really?

[13:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you see women walk by.

[13:28] Okay.

[13:29] Anyway, it's a scene that has no bearing on what little plot there is in this.

[13:32] Anyway, they also have two lazy, no-account boyfriends who will not get off their butts

[13:38] and get a job.

[13:39] Yeah.

[13:40] So they have to escape this life and go to LA.

[13:42] They fail the audition.

[13:44] Uh-oh.

[13:44] Luckily, that...

[13:46] Movie's not over.

[13:47] Luckily, the lusty Latin who saw them says, I have a job for you.

[13:52] Takes them away in a car.

[13:53] Are you actresses?

[13:55] Yes, of course.

[13:56] Takes them away in a car to a huge mansion, which we see every single room of throughout

[14:01] the film, and each room is presented to us as if we've never seen the inside of a mansion

[14:05] room before.

[14:06] And while this is happening, the music that plays over it is like Happy Puppy, Dennis the

[14:11] Menace, kids music.

[14:13] The score in this movie makes no sense.

[14:15] It's like they just took an old Disney score.

[14:18] Alan Silvestri scoring Milo and Otis or something.

[14:20] Just like, whatever.

Stuart Wellington

[14:22] We don't have time to finish BAPS.

[14:23] Just throw on whatever score you can grab.

[14:25] And the composer continues to work to this day, right?

[14:27] Making puppy movies or...

[14:29] Yeah, yeah.

[14:29] The puppy bowl he scores every year.

Dan McCoy

[14:31] But the point is, like, all this Heavy D McGuffin is basically...

[14:34] It's not a movie, by the way.

[14:36] It basically all just serves to get the BAPS to Beverly Hills to a rich place.

[14:40] Like, what the Beverly Hillbillies dispenses with in a song at the beginning of the show

[14:44] is the first 20 minutes of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[14:46] And the scenes are not particularly trim.

[14:49] This is a slow-paced, very lackadaisical movie.

[14:52] This is a fat 90 minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[14:54] Every scene has a closing joke, and then a good couple seconds, like, the audience is going

[15:00] fucking cracking up.

[15:01] It would come...

[15:02] They're going to be fucking rolling in the house.

[15:03] We've got to provide padding.

Dan McCoy

[15:05] We're going to miss all the other jokes.

[15:07] See, like the Marx Brothers.

[15:08] They took this out as a road show.

[15:10] Yes.

[15:11] They timed where all the laughs were.

[15:12] Yeah, Night at the BAPS were.

[15:13] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:14] And they really...

[15:15] They were like, look, each scene's one joke is so gut-busting and hilarious that we

[15:21] better make each scene 10 to 12 minutes long.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] We turned the rest of the scene into a dramedy.

Stuart Wellington

[15:26] Well, yeah.

[15:27] When they originally tested the movie, people were laughing so much that nobody could follow

[15:34] the plot.

[15:35] They had no idea what's going on.

Elliott Kalan

[15:37] So they had to.

Stuart Wellington

[15:38] They're like, we've got to put out a special director's cut that's 84 minutes long.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] It's weirdly as if Robert Townsend directed it, and then a down-on-his-luck Michelangelo Antonioni

[15:48] edited the movie.

[15:50] It's like, longer.

[15:51] Longer.

[15:51] Each one.

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] Longer.

[15:52] I want more ennui in these BAPS.

[15:55] Like, I'm surprised none of the scenes accidentally caught the actor just wandering off camera.

[16:00] Like, cut?

[16:01] Okay, we can go.

[16:02] We're done, right?

[16:03] We good?

[16:03] We good, Rob?

Elliott Kalan

[16:04] Okay, I guess I'll just keep staring at the BAPS.

[16:07] Anyway, they are brought to this mansion where they are told by a...

[16:13] I thought he was going to be revealed as gay.

[16:15] A vaguely effeminate man that his uncle, Martin Landau, is dying.

[16:21] And his one true love, this old man, was his family's black maid when he was young.

[16:26] But their love was not to be.

[16:28] The family tore them apart.

[16:29] And so now, to keep him happy in his old age, he wants Halle Berry to pretend to be this maid's

[16:36] granddaughter, all grown up, so that Martin Landau can, I guess...

[16:40] It's kind of never really said what he's going to get out of this relationship.

[16:43] Whether it's just like, to relive his romance, or finally have sex with a black woman, it

[16:50] really doesn't...

[16:51] I'm not sure exactly what Martin Landau's supposed to get out of just hanging around with his

[16:56] ex-girlfriend's granddaughter.

Stuart Wellington

[16:57] I think this is the first time we've actually had gaslighting in a movie, right?

Elliott Kalan

[17:00] This is kind of real gaslighting, yeah.

[17:02] That's really awesome.

Stuart Wellington

[17:03] Because it's all an elaborate ruse.

[17:05] Okay, she's not the granddaughter.

Elliott Kalan

[17:07] She's not the granddaughter.

[17:08] There's a lot of culture clash comedy, comedy in quotes, as they meet up with the best

[17:15] character in the movie, the butler, named Manly.

[17:19] But who Mickey refers to as Alfred.

[17:21] No, his name's not Alfred Manly.

[17:22] It's not Alfred Manly?

[17:23] No, she calls him Alfred because he's like Batman's father.

[17:25] What, do you see his fucking birth certificate?

[17:27] Is that what they have in England?

[17:28] I mean, he seems really ruffled when they call him Alfred, so...

Dan McCoy

[17:31] But the most important thing to know about Manly is he's played by Ian Richardson, who

[17:36] was the star of the original British House of Cards.

[17:40] Oh, timely, topical.

[17:41] We're recording this, of course, right after the second season of Netflix's American House

[17:47] of Cards.

[17:47] Yeah, I guess Baps must have timed it that way.

[17:49] It's dropped from a very close.

Elliott Kalan

[17:50] Baps knew we were going to be doing it now, so they got Ian Richardson in the movie.

Dan McCoy

[17:54] We just gotta, we gotta tie our fucking...

[17:55] Are you suggesting...

[17:56] We just gotta tie our fucking ship to this House of Cards thing, guys.

[17:59] And the one, I will give it this.

[18:00] Rock it.

[18:01] Ian Richardson...

Stuart Wellington

[18:01] You think Kevin Spacey's gonna go on to making a Baps, too?

[18:04] Yeah.

[18:04] Oh, of course, yeah.

[18:05] It's gonna be...

[18:06] It's not the American version of Baps, right?

Dan McCoy

[18:08] It's a pretty Baps reboot, and Kevin Spacey...

[18:11] It's called Baps.

Stuart Wellington

[18:12] Sure, it has Baps sitting on a ledge staring at their fist in the rain.

Elliott Kalan

[18:16] It'll be Baps Man Begins.

[18:18] Yeah, Baps Man Begins.

[18:20] Of course, send Ratfinger Baps Boo.

[18:24] That's the Ray Dennis Bapsler version.

[18:26] Anyway, so, I will say this for Ian Richardson.

[18:28] Like all British actors in crappy movies, he does a professional job and gives it his all.

[18:34] He is up for it.

[18:35] And there's one scene I genuinely laughed at where he was trying to get the attention of

[18:38] a clerk in a CD store, and for one second, that was funny.

[18:43] Yeah.

[18:43] So, nice work the late Ian Richardson.

[18:46] Is he still alive?

[18:47] I'm not sure about that.

[18:48] I think he died when the House of Cards fell on him.

Stuart Wellington

[18:51] Yeah, just...

[18:52] Ian Richardson, just email us if you're okay.

[18:54] How are you doing?

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] Is that flophouse at theflophouse.flophouse.edu slash gov.

[19:00] Just email us at obituaries.b.a.ps.

[19:05] Email us at...

[19:06] Email us at...

[19:06] Dot com.

[19:07] Email us at Ian Richardson.

[19:09] I'm alive.

[19:10] Don't worry about me.

[19:11] At theflophouse.baps.

[19:13] Slash Google image search.

[19:17] Dot geocities.

[19:20] Rated R.

[19:21] So, anyway, they're going to be part of this gaslighting plot.

[19:25] Meanwhile...

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] And we think this butler character is going to be like the foil.

[19:29] He's going to be the bad guy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:30] It turns out he's the rigid anti-black person who gets won over and decides that he really

[19:37] likes them.

[19:37] Almost immediately.

[19:39] After...

[19:39] He sticks up...

[19:41] He stands up against the soul food.

[19:43] They cook soul food for Martin Landau, who it turns out is the old man.

[19:45] He's apeshit for it.

[19:46] And now, remember, this is...

[19:48] There's a couple years after Martin Landau won an Academy Award playing Bela Gosi and

[19:53] Ed Wood.

[19:53] This is like three years after that.

[19:55] This is 40 years after he was in North Bend, Northwest.

[19:58] Three years after he won an Academy Award, and now he's bapsing it up, just doing the

[20:02] old man given a new jump on life by younger person routine.

[20:07] It's terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[20:09] There's a scene where he is asking Halle Berry's character about, you know, basically

[20:14] about her grandmother who doesn't exist.

[20:16] Or I guess exists, but isn't her grandmother.

[20:19] And the difference in, like, Martin Landau's subtlety, his line delivery, and Halle Berry's

[20:25] over-the-top comedic, like, stuttering.

Elliott Kalan

[20:27] Over-the-top stuffing food in her mouth so she can't be understood, you know.

Dan McCoy

[20:31] I thought you were going to go to the fact that there is a scene where Martin Landau,

[20:34] of course, goes out on a shopping spree with the baps.

Elliott Kalan

[20:38] You know, that's the scene that I assume was...

[20:41] You need that scene.

[20:42] That's the obligatory scene.

[20:43] Yeah, when Robert Anderson was pitching the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[20:46] Like Martin Landau's pitching the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[20:48] Martin Landau's pitching the movie.

[20:49] To Robert Townsend.

[20:50] Look, I love this baps script.

[20:52] You'll be the perfect director for it.

[20:55] It seems like I've been trying to make movies that really talk about the black experience

[20:58] in an honest way.

[21:00] No, no, no.

[21:00] Nothing's more honest than baps.

[21:02] Please.

[21:02] This is...

[21:03] You have to tell this story, Roberts.

[21:04] I'm an Academy Award winner.

[21:06] Picture this.

[21:07] Then he uses his fucking hip.

[21:08] He's a vampire, Robert.

[21:09] He's a vampire.

[21:11] Bleh.

[21:12] Bleh, Robert.

[21:14] Bleh.

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] Baps of the night.

[21:16] What sweet music they make.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] I don't drink.

[21:21] Baps.

[21:22] And so forth.

[21:23] Those are lines from Dracula.

Dan McCoy

[21:24] Yeah.

[21:24] Bapsula.

Elliott Kalan

[21:25] Anyway, so the...

[21:26] The man, again.

Dan McCoy

[21:28] The man played a guy who played Dracula.

[21:32] He did not play a vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[21:34] So the alternative is to pretend that he's really a morphine addict, like Bela Lugosi

[21:38] was.

[21:38] So let's just pretend he's a vampire.

[21:40] It's a lot more fun.

Stuart Wellington

[21:41] This is Elliot Kalin pulling a triumphant call to arms to all those Elliot Kalin voice

[21:46] haters out there.

Dan McCoy

[21:49] Yeah.

[21:50] Yeah.

[21:51] We're making a lot of offhand references to horrible things that people have said about

[21:55] us in comment sections.

[21:57] Well, look.

Elliott Kalan

[21:58] We're thin-skinned.

[21:59] That's why we're in comedy.

[22:00] Anyway, so Robert Townsend was sitting there.

[22:03] He said, Martin, I'm not sure if this is the right movie.

[22:04] I thought we were going to talk about the movie.

[22:06] No.

[22:06] Martin Lando said, take a look at this.

[22:08] Slammed his Academy Award from Ed Wood on the desk.

[22:11] Oscar wants you to make this movie, Robert, because he wants a friend.

[22:14] And Baps is going to get me that Oscar.

[22:16] And Robert Townsend was like, all right, I guess so, Martin Lando.

[22:19] I mean, you're a legend.

[22:20] And then every day, I assume on the shooting, a shooting on the set, Robert Townsend would

[22:23] turn to Martin Lando and go, fuck you.

[22:26] Why did you rope me into this movie, Martin?

[22:28] And Martin Lando would say, hehehehe.

[22:32] I'm an imp.

[22:34] Tales from the Martin.

[22:37] This is the twist ending?

[22:38] Yeah.

[22:39] This is the twist ending to the making of Baps.

Stuart Wellington

[22:42] Wait, is that why Tales from the Crypt is Tales from the Crypt?

[22:45] It's named after the Crypt Keeper?

[22:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] His name is Crypt K. Eaper.

[22:51] The K stands for Kevin.

[22:58] I like this.

[22:58] It's Tales from...

[22:59] Kevin's a really strange real name.

[23:03] It's Tales from T-H-E Crypt.

[23:05] Thomas Heathcliff Edward Crypt.

[23:08] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[23:09] I'm still amazed at the idea that the twist of it is like, hehehehe.

[23:13] I've trapped you into making a terrible movie.

[23:16] That's the ironic turn that this takes?

Elliott Kalan

[23:18] You know I've already made Meteor Man, right?

[23:20] Like, I've made terrible movies.

[23:21] Um, well, I forgot about Meteor Man.

[23:24] By the way, we've all been dead the whole time.

[23:27] I don't think so.

[23:28] No, I don't think that's true.

[23:28] It's not true at all.

[23:30] Usually, aren't these twists...

[23:32] Just possibly Ian Richardson.

[23:33] We don't know yet.

[23:34] Often involve like puns or like a play on words.

[23:36] Like, uh, perhaps.

[23:38] No, I'm kidding.

[23:39] That's not...

[23:40] It's not a real phrase.

[23:41] The movie introduced that phrase.

[23:42] And doesn't explain it till the very end.

[23:44] You're just reading the movie poster you made.

Stuart Wellington

[23:46] Yeah.

[23:48] Because Martin Lando put the movie poster together.

[23:51] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] I've cast Halle scary.

Stuart Wellington

[23:56] Too late.

[23:57] Wait, too late.

[23:58] Barry?

[23:58] Is it enough of a fucking joke?

Elliott Kalan

[24:02] Halle buried.

[24:03] How about that?

[24:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:06] Um, where did we get to in this movie?

[24:08] I don't even remember.

Elliott Kalan

[24:09] So, they basically become Martin Lando's friend.

[24:12] They make him soul food and he gets his energy back.

[24:15] They teach him how to dance.

[24:16] They take him on a shopping montage, which is a pretty fun shopping montage.

[24:19] But it turns out...

[24:20] And meanwhile, the Latin Lothario is seducing Mickey, the friend.

[24:25] But it turns...

Stuart Wellington

[24:26] He's the thick one that makes soul food.

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] I don't like saying thick.

[24:29] They prefer that.

[24:30] Let's not...

[24:31] Let's not...

[24:32] They prefer that.

[24:33] That's...

[24:34] I'm not sure how to be offended by that, but I am offended by it.

[24:37] I'm not sure why I am specifically, but...

[24:40] Anyway, meanwhile, it turns out the nephew has clearly schemed with the chauffeur, the Latin guy, to frame the Baps for robbing Martin Landau.

[24:49] But it doesn't work out.

[24:50] And, uh...

[24:51] I don't remember what the character's name is.

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] It's really an elaborate frame job.

[24:54] Because he is making...

[24:56] Like, he's seducing her while wearing some driving gloves and then, like, tricks her into touching a safe?

[25:01] Into trying to open up a safe.

[25:02] He's like, wouldn't it be sexy if you touched the safe?

Elliott Kalan

[25:06] I'm totally happy.

[25:07] Women opening safes fetish.

[25:09] But then later, Halle Berry and Mickey are in bed.

[25:12] They share a bed, of course, because it's like a fucking Lucy show episode.

[25:16] And, uh...

[25:16] Because this movie was made in the 30s.

[25:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[25:18] They both sit bolt upright with their little sloop masks on.

[25:22] Yeah.

[25:23] And fucking bandanas in their hair.

Elliott Kalan

[25:24] Cucumbers over their eyes.

[25:26] Anyway, they hear a noise and they run downstairs.

[25:29] A robber is breaking in.

[25:31] It's the chauffeur.

[25:32] And he proceeds to stand there while they take turns punching him in the face.

[25:37] Never tries to leave.

[25:38] Never fights back.

[25:39] He just stands there while they punch him.

[25:41] While saying, like, that's not how Rocky punches.

[25:43] Rocky punches like this.

[25:44] Mike Tyson.

[25:44] He's like, I'm going to punch you like Mike Tyson.

[25:46] Sorry.

[25:46] Yeah, because black people love Rocky.

[25:48] When it comes to boxers, Rocky is the one that a young black person would really gravitate towards.

[25:53] Like, oh, the great white hope, the Rocky.

[25:54] You know who I can really relate to.

[25:56] Not Tyson.

[25:57] Not Ollie.

[25:57] The Italian Stallion.

Stuart Wellington

[25:59] Italian Stallion.

[26:00] Anyway.

[26:01] And in 1997, that's the movie that's on the tip of everybody's tongue is Rocky.

[26:06] Rocky.

[26:06] You know what 19-year-old movie I was thinking about?

[26:08] Yeah, he's a regular.

[26:09] More than that.

[26:10] Like, 21-year-old movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] So they punch him a lot.

[26:14] And then the nephew.

[26:16] They don't even punch him a lot, Elliot.

[26:17] They're doing a disservice.

[26:18] They punch him at least four or five times.

[26:19] That's not a lot.

[26:20] It's a lot for a movie like BAPS.

[26:23] It's not a lot if this was American Ninja.

[26:25] If this was Fist of the North Star, it's not a lot.

[26:29] No.

Stuart Wellington

[26:29] It's not even one move.

[26:30] No.

Elliott Kalan

[26:30] But for BAPS, it's a lot of punches.

[26:33] Yeah.

[26:33] Considering no one else gets punched.

[26:35] Oh, no, that's not true.

[26:36] It was Punch the movie.

[26:37] It was Hawaiian Punch the film.

[26:40] The true story of one man and his devotion to punching.

[26:43] But anyway.

[26:44] So the nephew sells out the chauffeur.

[26:46] And then everyone just kind of keeps going.

[26:50] Hangs out for a while.

[26:51] Hangs out.

[26:51] They throw a party.

[26:53] Everyone's friends.

[26:54] The butler arranges for their boyfriends to come back.

[26:57] And the boyfriends have changed their ways.

[26:59] Yeah, off screen.

[27:00] Again.

[27:01] Off camera they have performed.

[27:03] Halle Berry dances with one.

[27:04] Another one falls in a pool.

[27:06] And Martin Lando dies.

Stuart Wellington

[27:10] Yeah, you're really glossing over the...

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] There's not a lot of movie in this movie.

[27:13] What am I leaving out with?

Stuart Wellington

[27:14] Yeah, it feels like after a certain point they're like,

[27:16] oh, this is the time where they need love interest.

[27:18] I guess bring those other two dudes back.

Elliott Kalan

[27:20] It really feels like the movie was made up as they went along.

Dan McCoy

[27:23] Yeah.

[27:23] Well, I mean, we did...

[27:24] Like you were saying, like, oh, these characters' journey won't be complete

[27:28] unless they get some arbitrary love interest by the end of it.

Stuart Wellington

[27:31] And they couldn't think of anyone else

[27:32] because it's not like the fucking butler's going to marry one of them.

[27:35] But that would have been...

[27:37] Why not?

[27:37] That would have been an interesting choice.

[27:38] Now, there's a brave film.

[27:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:40] But before Martin Lando shuffles off his mortal coil,

[27:45] there are a couple of scenes where it becomes clear to him

[27:48] that the Baps are his only true friends in this world

[27:52] and they're not in it for the money.

Elliott Kalan

[27:53] He offers each of them a check for $50,000

[27:56] saying thanks for everything.

[27:58] And they...

Stuart Wellington

[27:59] With that kind of money, they could start their business.

[28:01] Of haircutting and food preparation.

Elliott Kalan

[28:04] Put together, it's ten times as much as they were hoping to get from Heavy D,

[28:07] who has a hilarious cameo as himself in a restaurant.

[28:11] And by hilarious, I mean excruciating.

[28:14] It's there.

[28:15] I mean, it happens in front of you.

[28:17] And you're like, can I look away?

[28:19] No, I can't.

[28:19] It's like a Ludovico experiment.

[28:21] Anyway.

[28:21] Can I block up my ears?

[28:22] No, they're still way too loud.

[28:25] But he offers them checks for $50,000 and they say,

[28:28] no, we're not in this for the money.

[28:29] And they tear up the checks.

[28:30] And he goes, I thought the only person I could trust was Lily,

[28:33] his long lost girlfriend.

[28:35] But now I know I can trust you, Baps.

[28:37] He doesn't say Baps, but he might as well.

[28:39] Then he dies.

[28:41] And everyone's sad.

[28:42] And they have the reading of the will.

[28:45] And this is literally how it goes.

[28:46] The lawyer, his lawyer says, I, being of sound heart and mind,

[28:50] would like it incontestably known that to my beloved Baps,

[28:54] and they're like, Baps?

[28:55] And she goes, black American princesses.

[28:58] I leave.

[28:59] And then the music swells.

[29:00] And we don't hear a single fucking thing after that point.

[29:02] We don't hear what.

[29:03] It's all reaction shots.

[29:04] We just see reaction shots of the Baps going crazy.

[29:06] And then we see the lawyer saying something.

[29:08] And then the butler is like, oh.

[29:10] And everyone's thanking, congratulating the butler.

[29:12] And then we see the nephew get mad and walk out.

[29:14] And it feels as they're like, they had an audio problem on the set.

[29:18] On the one take they did in this scene, they just covered it in music.

[29:22] And then they're celebrating the end.

[29:25] Uh-oh.

[29:26] Which literally writes on with calligraphy.

[29:28] Crosses out the beginning.

[29:31] And they've opened up their comfort food slash,

[29:34] that's their soul food slash hair salon.

[29:37] The butler now works for them as, I guess, their publicist.

[29:40] I'm not sure.

Dan McCoy

[29:41] I don't think he's skilled in that field.

[29:43] He's traded in his conservative Savile Row suits for a white suit.

Elliott Kalan

[29:48] Because he decided to look like one of the dirty, rotten scoundrels.

[29:51] And the lawyer is now also, I guess, their business partner.

[29:55] Their boyfriends have a painter chauffeur business.

Stuart Wellington

[29:59] If she's working for them at this point, the nephew has a serious case against them.

Elliott Kalan

[30:04] What I love is, I didn't realize that you could make a will incontestable in court

[30:07] by just writing, incontestably, I give my money to.

Dan McCoy

[30:11] It seems like more wells, you should just put that word in, if that's all it takes.

[30:15] It's like, oh, there'd be so many civil suits that'd be avoided.

Elliott Kalan

[30:18] Just into everything.

[30:20] All I didn't know that when the Native Americans were writing those treaties with Americans,

[30:25] all they had to write was, incontestably.

Dan McCoy

[30:28] Oh, I want to steal your land so bad and I can't do it.

[30:31] The lawyer's like, look, I wish there was something I could do.

[30:34] But they said incontestable.

[30:35] It is literally the legal system's magic word.

Elliott Kalan

[30:38] The same way that when you say, so sue me to somebody, they have to sue you.

[30:43] Legally.

Dan McCoy

[30:45] But yeah.

[30:46] It's like a summoning spell.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] And when you say, don't have a cowman, they cannot purchase a cow.

[30:50] Or even eat beef.

Stuart Wellington

[30:53] But it's clear that the Baps and their...

[30:55] Or some kind of cowman hybrid, I'm assuming.

[30:57] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[30:57] They can't have a cowman.

[30:58] It depends on how they emphasize it, yeah.

[31:00] Say, don't have a cowman.

[31:01] Or a cowman.

[31:02] You can't have any of the lost cowboys of Moo Mesa.

[31:06] Or that one Ninja Turtles character who was like a humanoid bull.

Dan McCoy

[31:09] But it's clear that the Baps and the boy Baps are going to lose this money within two months.

[31:14] The Baps.

[31:15] They're terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[31:16] It is a terrible idea.

[31:18] Even though Dennis Rodman is there.

[31:19] They've opened up like three or four branches at one time.

[31:21] That's crazy.

Stuart Wellington

[31:22] Yeah, they're expanding too fast.

[31:23] Yeah, come on.

Dan McCoy

[31:25] You know, have a good flagship organization and franchise.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] I mean, Dennis Rodman's there before his politics got in the way, right?

[31:30] Yes.

[31:31] This was before he became dictator's best friend, Dennis Rodman.

[31:35] The man, the one man who successfully got kicked out of North Korea.

Dan McCoy

[31:39] I like the idea.

[31:40] You say dictator's best friend and I immediately think of a product.

[31:43] The dictator's best friend.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] But what would that product be, Dan?

[31:46] It's like a wrestling buddy, right?

[31:48] I assume it's like a really strong deodorant.

[31:50] Who's going to listen to your every whim when you're sweating?

Dan McCoy

[31:54] I just thought it was like somehow like it's a tablet that automatically poisons the member

[31:58] of your family that's flooding against you.

[32:00] It can tell.

[32:01] Somehow it can tell.

Stuart Wellington

[32:02] What, like a batteries not included robot that flies around?

[32:05] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[32:07] A go-bot.

Stuart Wellington

[32:09] So Baps, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[32:11] So thanks for...

[32:13] British Athenian politician sex.

Dan McCoy

[32:16] This is for a movie where...

[32:19] Nothing happens?

[32:20] The stars, screenwriter, and director were all African American.

[32:25] This is possibly one of the more racist depiction of black people I've seen in a film.

[32:32] That is what I would say.

Elliott Kalan

[32:32] It goes a little too far in being cartoonish into a territory where it's like,

[32:37] this is uncomfortable.

[32:41] But hey, you know what?

[32:42] Maybe we're just being overly sensitive because we're afraid of being called racist.

Dan McCoy

[32:46] I mean, it was pretty racist against the white butler and Martin Landau too.

Elliott Kalan

[32:50] Whites were also shown to be...

[32:51] Well, it literally is like...

[32:53] It's such an old-fashioned thing of like, blacks are funky.

[32:56] White people, uptight.

[32:57] This movie should have been made in like 1976.

[33:01] Instead of it was made in 1997.

[33:02] I just kept thinking while we were watching it.

[33:03] But that's mainly because of the music.

[33:05] Yeah.

[33:06] Two years after this movie, The Matrix would be made.

[33:09] It feels like...

[33:09] I'm thinking of movies from different centuries at this point.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:12] This movie was up against Fargo for Best Picture.

Elliott Kalan

[33:16] Oh, we forgot to mention Baps was nominated for Best Picture.

[33:18] It won the New York Critics Award.

[33:22] No, but it was nominated for an award according to Wikipedia.

[33:26] Baps was nominated for the Best Actress Acapulco Black Film Festival Award.

[33:32] Halle Berry, unfortunately she lost.

[33:34] But she went on to win the Academy Award.

[33:37] But not for Baps.

Dan McCoy

[33:38] Are you sure that's not just a Baps acronym?

[33:41] Best Actress Acapulco Film Festival.

[33:45] So it was the P in Acapulco that was...

Elliott Kalan

[33:48] You're saying it super weird.

[33:49] I don't know what you're doing.

[33:50] I'm going to see who the winner is.

[33:51] Now, and guys, as a podcaster...

[33:54] And the winner that year was Vivica A. Fox for Soul Food.

Stuart Wellington

[33:57] Sure.

[33:58] And as a podcaster...

[33:59] Best soundtrack went to Love Jones.

[34:01] ...and a listener of podcasts, I know a thing or two about over-talking.

[34:05] But the two leads of this movie over-talked more than anybody I've ever heard on a podcast.

[34:10] It's a lot of...

[34:11] It's much like...

[34:11] It's like a fucking mumblecore movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:13] It's like His Girl Friday.

[34:14] They were overlapping dialogue.

[34:16] Robert Townsend saw His Girl Friday,

[34:17] and he said,

[34:18] I found my Baps style.

Stuart Wellington

[34:19] It took like 25 minutes into the movie before I knew what the main characters' names were.

Elliott Kalan

[34:23] I think that might be partly the movie and partly how much attention we give to the movie.

[34:29] But look, there was a lot of talent involved in this film.

[34:32] Unfortunately, it just didn't work out this one time.

[34:34] It was the skidoo of the 90s.

[34:36] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:37] Definitely.

Elliott Kalan

[34:39] So, thanks for making us watch it, contest listener.

[34:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:42] Let's move on to final judgments on this movie.

[34:44] Is it a good, bad movie?

[34:45] A bad, bad movie?

[34:46] Or a movie you kind of like?

[34:48] Stuart's drinking.

[34:49] So, Elliot, why don't you say?

Elliott Kalan

[34:50] I would say it's...

[34:52] It might be a fun one for like a bunch of racists to watch and make fun of.

[34:58] But it's...

[34:59] I would say a bad, bad movie, but not even necessarily because it was like stupid or not

[35:02] funny.

[35:02] It was just very like slow and kind of dull.

[35:06] You know?

[35:06] For a movie that could have been...

[35:08] It sounds crazier than it was.

[35:10] Yeah.

[35:11] There's a lot of the characters just kind of hanging around the house.

[35:13] And there's...

[35:14] Like, even when they do the classic confused by a bidet scene where a bidet squirts everywhere...

[35:19] Which is amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[35:20] And it doesn't squirt everywhere.

[35:22] It's like a fucking fire hose.

[35:24] Like, you would destroy your private parts.

Elliott Kalan

[35:25] If you tried to use that bidet, it would hurt you.

[35:27] You would have tearing.

[35:29] It was...

[35:30] This...

[35:30] Martin Lando likes that...

[35:31] For the strongest anuses.

[35:32] Martin Lando should have had a scene where he goes like, well, I like a good scouring

[35:35] of the rectum.

[35:36] That's why my bidet is set to anti-civil rights march fire hose.

[35:42] But the...

[35:43] The...

[35:44] It was just...

[35:45] Even that scene, like, went on too long, was really slowly paced and didn't have a payoff.

[35:49] Like, there were no...

[35:50] There's very few jokes for a comedy.

[35:52] You know?

[35:53] Yeah.

[35:53] I mean, this is...

[35:54] The first half of the movie, they're like, people will be laughing at their gold teeth

[35:57] so much, we won't even need other jokes.

Dan McCoy

[35:59] This is borderline good-bad movie because it is extravagantly bad in a way that we don't

[36:04] normally see.

Elliott Kalan

[36:05] And you were saying kind of innocently bad.

Dan McCoy

[36:08] Innocently bad.

[36:08] Like, it feels like a bad movie from the...

[36:12] Like, the 40s got made in 97 or something.

[36:16] But it's...

[36:17] Yeah, you're right.

[36:18] It's too boring overall to, like, really reach the heights of a good bad movie.

[36:25] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:26] Stu, what do you think?

[36:27] Yeah.

[36:28] It's gonna...

[36:29] I guess it's gonna be a bad, bad movie.

[36:30] I...

[36:31] I feel like...

Elliott Kalan

[36:32] Listen to your heart, Stuart.

[36:33] You don't have to go even to the peer pressure.

Stuart Wellington

[36:35] I feel like the comedic tropes that this movie borrows from, or borrows, are better used in

[36:42] a little movie called Twin Sitters.

[36:45] And are used a little better.

[36:46] So if you're looking for, like, the idea of, like, the rags to riches Cinderella story...

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] Kind of a rich people, poor people clash.

Stuart Wellington

[36:53] Yeah.

[36:54] That also has bodybuilders.

[36:55] I'd see Twin Sitters instead.

Elliott Kalan

[36:56] Twin bodybuilders babysitting twin rich kids.

[36:59] Is John Paragon in it?

[37:00] Yes, because he directed it.

Stuart Wellington

[37:02] Or Disorderly's.

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] Go out and see Disorderly's.

Stuart Wellington

[37:04] Yeah, that's the other thing, is it felt a little bit, as Dan said, like Disorderly's,

[37:08] but without the fat boys.

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] They said, these fat boys are distracting me too much from the plot of Disorderly's.

[37:13] Get me the Baps.

[37:16] And the beer they drink?

[37:18] Baps Blue Ribbon.

Dan McCoy

[37:19] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[37:20] So...

[37:21] But yeah, I almost wish they'd put more effort into this, and then it would have been a good,

[37:24] bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[37:25] Before we move on, I just want to put in a plug for one of our All Things Comedy podcasting

[37:34] Network Brethren.

[37:37] Farley Brothers Radio, which has comedians Kevin and John Farley, brothers I assume,

[37:45] and host Carissa Costa, talking about life, love, and all things Farley.

[37:51] I don't know what that means, All Things Farley.

[37:53] Keep revealing how little you know about this podcast.

[37:56] Maybe they're talking about Farley and the Dog.

[37:59] Farley and Me.

[38:00] For better and worse.

[38:02] Farley and Me.

[38:02] That's a movie, right?

[38:03] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:04] They're talking about iFarley, the kids show.

Dan McCoy

[38:07] No, but they have had a lot of...

[38:10] Farley Ray Jibbson.

[38:11] Dean Bobstead.

[38:12] Yeah.

[38:12] They've had a lot of great guests.

[38:14] They've had David Spade, Norm MacDonald, Sandra Taylor, Andrew Dick, and Chris Kattan on the show.

[38:19] Andrew Dick.

[38:20] Andrew Dick.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] Please.

[38:22] I'm trying to have a new image.

[38:24] It's Andrew Dick.

[38:25] It's Andrew Richard.

[38:26] Please.

[38:26] This is one of my serious roles.

[38:27] It's Andrew Richard.

[38:30] Well, that was...

[38:31] This is my breakout into the legitimate theater.

[38:34] He was playing...

[38:35] He was playing the butler in the reboot of Babs.

[38:38] It's true.

[38:39] It's me, Andrew Dick.

[38:40] The Stay in the Stage version of Babs.

[38:41] And in the role of Recutio, Andrew Richard.

[38:44] It's a Babs the Stage adaptation.

[38:46] Yeah.

[38:47] It's a drawing room comedy.

Dan McCoy

[38:50] No, but check out...

[38:52] Babs the Musical.

[38:53] Check out Babs the Musical on Broadway.

[38:56] Never.

[38:56] Well, it closed already.

[38:58] Okay.

[38:59] So I had the idea and it closed off Broadway.

[39:01] It closed in their minds.

[39:02] So Farley Brothers Radio.

[39:04] Yeah.

[39:05] Since you can't see Babs the Musical,

[39:06] why don't you go listen to Farley Brothers Radio over at ATC?

Elliott Kalan

[39:10] On All Things Comedy.

[39:11] Your place for allthingscomedy.

[39:13] Dot com.

[39:13] Not all things considered.

[39:14] That's a different thing.

[39:15] No.

[39:16] Unless what's being considered is comedy,

[39:18] in which case, yes.

[39:20] Not the all thing.

Stuart Wellington

[39:22] No, we don't talk about that.

[39:24] That's for a different podcast, Elliot.

[39:25] Yeah, yeah.

[39:26] Our podcast event.

[39:27] Our weird religion podcast.

[39:29] Weird.

[39:30] Spaghetti Monsters, Cthulhus, et cetera.

Elliott Kalan

[39:32] And so forth.

[39:34] Wait.

[39:34] I've never seen the Spaghetti Monster and Cthulhu

[39:36] in the same room at the same time.

[39:37] Sure.

[39:38] And he does have tentacle face.

[39:39] That would be a really weird room.

[39:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:42] It would be non-Euclidean architecture.

[39:45] Now.

[39:45] A natch.

[39:46] We move on to the next segment,

[39:50] which is letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[39:53] Mail time.

[39:54] Mail call.

[39:55] Call in the mail.

[39:56] Call it up.

[39:56] Hey, mail, is that you?

[39:58] I got the machine.

[39:59] Hey, mail.

[40:00] This is the Flophouse.

[40:01] Come on by.

[40:02] Give us a call when you're back.

[40:04] Oh, you just picked up.

[40:05] Hey, mail.

[40:06] Mail call.

[40:07] Call in the mail.

[40:08] Oh, I have the wrong number.

[40:09] Forget it.

[40:09] Let's call the mail.

[40:11] And the mail call.

Dan McCoy

[40:12] I'll give that song credit for being very different

[40:14] than the normal letters song.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] I mean, I'm trying to branch out.

[40:18] Yeah.

[40:18] Yep.

[40:19] He's the stodgy judge who just allowed it.

[40:22] There's nothing in the rule book that says he can't sing a letter song.

Dan McCoy

[40:25] So this first letter is from Clavy, last name withheld, who writes,

[40:30] Dear Floppers, as you may be aware, the superhero fighting game,

[40:33] Dishonored Gods Among Us, is quickly running out of interesting characters

[40:37] to release as downloadable content.

Stuart Wellington

[40:39] Two Green Lanterns?

[40:41] What on earth?

[40:42] There's a whole fucking core of them.

Dan McCoy

[40:43] Surely.

[40:44] Sorry, I didn't mean to get that mad.

[40:45] Surely.

Elliott Kalan

[40:47] When are they going to get to Gnort?

[40:48] That's all I want to know.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] Reaching for your magnificent creations, five head and seven pounds,

[40:54] for game inclusion isn't far off.

[40:56] Although their basic motives...

Stuart Wellington

[40:57] They put fucking Freddy Krueger in one of those games.

[40:59] Yeah.

[41:00] Bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[41:03] That's a little tribute to Freddy.

[41:06] Yep.

[41:06] Sam Neill.

[41:07] Rest in peace.

[41:08] Although their basic...

[41:09] Sam Neill's what?

Dan McCoy

[41:12] Although their basic moves are pretty obvious,

[41:15] five head would be a hand-to-head brawler with moves like the old 2-3

[41:20] and give him the fingers,

[41:21] whereas seven pounds would clearly hit his opponents with a large variety of objects,

[41:25] all of which weigh exactly seven pounds.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] Yeah, just seven pound weights.

[41:28] But after this...

[41:28] Seven pound Tom weights.

[41:29] Things get more murky.

Dan McCoy

[41:31] What would their catchphrases be?

[41:33] What would their power modes be?

[41:34] What would their super moves and finishing moves be?

[41:36] Please clear this up and help to save the game developers

[41:39] from releasing yet more Batman skins.

Stuart Wellington

[41:41] So seven pounds finishing moves is like...

[41:45] Seven boobs.

Stuart Wellington

[41:45] Is that what you're going to say?

[41:46] Whoa, dude.

[41:47] That's my job to make fun of you fucking up how you say things.

[41:50] Yeah.

[41:51] So seven boobs.

[41:52] Seven boobs kills you with boobs.

Elliott Kalan

[41:54] Duh, I guess.

[41:55] Whatever.

[41:55] It's just an utter, basically.

[41:56] It looks like the worm is on the other foot, Moriarty.

[41:58] Wait, why would...

[41:59] That doesn't make sense.

[42:00] Why are you foot-feet covered in worms?

[42:04] That's how the Napoleon of crime killed people.

[42:07] I'll just bury you in this box of nightcrawlers.

[42:11] Banff indeed.

[42:13] Not that kind of nightcrawler.

[42:14] What are you talking about?

[42:16] Oh, forget it.

[42:16] Anyway, seven pounds is finishing move.

[42:19] He kills you with a fucking jellyfish, right?

[42:21] Yeah, yeah.

[42:21] He throws a jellyfish at you.

[42:22] And then your soul flies up and it costs seven pounds.

[42:24] Your eyes go to Woody Harrelson.

[42:27] And five head, what was it?

[42:29] His catchphrase in his finishing move?

Dan McCoy

[42:31] Well, yeah, I don't know.

[42:33] Whatever.

[42:33] Well, his catchphrase is five heads are better than one.

[42:36] Yeah.

[42:37] And...

[42:37] I feel like maybe he would sing a very sad song about being an orphan and then you would

[42:41] cry yourself.

[42:42] You would die of sadness, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:43] He carries five guns, right?

[42:45] Not six guns because he has five head going west.

Elliott Kalan

[42:47] Well, no, no.

[42:48] He has seven guns because he's got five heads, not four heads.

[42:51] Oh, that makes more sense.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] The math.

[42:54] I mean, I'm sure the math works out.

Elliott Kalan

[42:57] Fucking some game designer will come up with it.

[42:58] And when he plays pool, he goes, I'm really behind the nine ball right now.

Dan McCoy

[43:03] I feel like this is getting even more murky.

Elliott Kalan

[43:06] Anyway, his favorite movie is Cheaper by the 13.

[43:08] What?

Dan McCoy

[43:11] Oh, I get it.

[43:12] You get it?

[43:13] Yeah.

[43:13] I get it.

[43:14] Everything's one more.

[43:15] Sure, like Ocean's 12, right?

Elliott Kalan

[43:17] Although he also likes 103 Dalmatians.

[43:20] His one more than 102 Dalmatians is a secret.

Dan McCoy

[43:23] His amplifiers go up to 12.

Elliott Kalan

[43:26] Yeah, yeah, sure.

[43:28] That's great.

[43:29] Here's my problem with 102 Dalmatians as a sequel.

[43:31] We've already seen 101 Dalmatians.

[43:33] Adding one more Dalmatian is not very impressive.

[43:36] You would have to do 202 Dalmatians in the sequel to even equal the impact of the first movie.

Stuart Wellington

[43:42] Have you ever considered how beautiful a coat made out of 102 Dalmatians would look?

Elliott Kalan

[43:46] It would be amazingly beautiful.

[43:48] I would like one, please.

[43:49] Give me a minute.

Stuart Wellington

[43:51] I gotta go catch these Dalmatians.

[43:54] Keep leading me on a Mary chase.

Dan McCoy

[43:57] Oh, boy.

[43:59] Okay, this...

[44:00] So I hope that answered your made-up nonsense question.

[44:02] Stuella de Vil, et cetera.

Elliott Kalan

[44:03] Stuella de Vil.

[44:06] Like, you were tired of waiting for one of us to come up with that, so you just threw it in there.

[44:13] So...

[44:14] That's your drag character.

[44:17] For your cabaret show.

Dan McCoy

[44:19] This next is titled, Non-Pornographic Flophouse Fan Art.

[44:25] Is there such a thing?

[44:26] I am a new listener to your show, having been inspired by John Hodgman's condemnation to discover for myself how terrible Elliot really was.

[44:34] Without passing judgment on Mr. Hodgman's taste, I have to say I've really enjoyed what I've heard so far.

[44:39] Except for Elliot, who's terrible.

[44:40] Maybe a little too much, as I spent the last week mainlining episodes like a reformed vegetarian with their first box of sailor chicken.

[44:48] After my marathon.

[44:50] I think I've developed a little lost.

[44:53] It's a Popeye's reference.

Elliott Kalan

[44:54] Oh, oh, I see.

[44:55] Oh.

[44:56] Popeye the sailor, I see.

[44:58] Popeye's restaurant is named after Popeye Doyle.

[44:59] Let's just get that straight.

Stuart Wellington

[45:02] You've just completely divorced Popeye from his...

[45:05] Popeye's chicken is named after the effect of your eyes popping out of your scum.

Elliott Kalan

[45:10] It's so delicious.

[45:12] When you take a bite, you're like, huh?

[45:14] Sproying.

[45:15] Like a Tex Avery wolf.

[45:16] Oh, I thought you were just like...

[45:18] I'm like, pop.

[45:18] I'm like, get him back in my head.

[45:20] I thought...

[45:21] It hurts.

[45:22] My eyes.

[45:24] Ah!

[45:25] I can't even see the chicken.

[45:27] It's so greasy from chicken grease.

[45:29] Can't get a good grip on my eyeballs.

[45:31] To put him back in my face.

[45:33] Yeah, why do you like this chicken place?

[45:35] It tastes really good.

[45:36] It's horrible.

[45:37] All you gotta do is secure your eyeballs in your face with fasteners beforehand.

Dan McCoy

[45:41] Okay.

[45:42] Like clothespins or what?

Elliott Kalan

[45:44] I thought they were talking about some kind of chicken that sailors eat, like, dehydrated

[45:49] or something like that.

[45:50] It's a last long sea voyage.

Dan McCoy

[45:52] Well, we haven't even gotten to the point of this, but...

[45:55] She goes, after my marathon, I think I've developed a pretty good idea based on your voices, as

[46:02] well as hints in the podcast as to what you all look like.

[46:05] As I'm too lazy to do a Google image search...

[46:08] That's lazy.

[46:11] Could you please take a look at the attached sketch and let me know how accurate my imagined

[46:16] podcasters are?

[46:17] That's from Vanessa, last name withheld, and I've got the sketch here.

[46:20] So this is what she thinks we look at.

[46:21] So listeners should Google us.

Elliott Kalan

[46:24] Okay, so wait.

[46:24] One of us is a teddy bear and the other two are ducks.

[46:28] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[46:28] I think I'm the bear.

[46:29] I'm the teddy bear.

[46:30] I'm guessing that...

[46:31] I can't tell if...

[46:31] The duck with the glasses, I think, is you, Elliot.

[46:33] Our duck is way too tall.

[46:35] And then there's like a roughneck kind of muscular duck.

Elliott Kalan

[46:37] There's like a skinhead angry duck, and that must be Stuart.

[46:40] Okay.

[46:40] Unless Stuart's the teddy bear and Dan is the angry duck.

[46:43] And then there's the cat.

[46:45] The cat could be Stuart.

[46:46] Yeah, that's true.

[46:47] But, you know, it's a pretty accurate sketch as far as the kind of shirts we wear.

Stuart Wellington

[46:50] Elliot could also be the bowl of, I'm guessing, chips or some kind of caramelized corn.

[46:55] I mean, some caramelized corn.

Dan McCoy

[46:57] You put a fucking creme brulee torch to this corn.

Stuart Wellington

[47:02] I'm going to quit this podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[47:06] It's with a chip reduction.

Dan McCoy

[47:09] Now, you say that this is a non-pornographic drawing, but this is as close to furry flop house porn with our clothes on as I think of things.

[47:17] I don't even want you to mention that for fear of the floodgates you're opening.

[47:22] But thank you, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[47:24] Nobody ever send us a picture of the house cat with his penis out.

[47:27] Please.

[47:28] Let me just say that.

[47:29] Don't do that.

Stuart Wellington

[47:31] It's like fucking bizarro over there.

Dan McCoy

[47:34] So next up.

Elliott Kalan

[47:36] Well, thank you for the art.

[47:37] We appreciate it.

Dan McCoy

[47:37] This is titled Intimate Encounters from Martin.

[47:41] Oh, I saw that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:42] From Martin.

Dan McCoy

[47:43] I am not afraid of being fully identified.

[47:45] Bureau.

[47:46] Who writes, Elliot's recent reference to semi-obscure X-Men character Xtreme slash Adam X prompted

[47:53] memories of excitedly meeting Dan and Stuart outside of Elliot's NYC Comic Con panel a year or so ago.

[48:00] Oh, shit.

[48:00] I forgot about that panel.

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] Thanks for coming to it, guys.

Dan McCoy

[48:03] I was with my boyfriend and friend, neither of whom are listeners, and were puzzled by my happiness at this encounter,

[48:15] and described one of you as, quote, super awkward, and the other as, quote, he's gay, right?

[48:20] Stuart.

[48:21] Actually, I don't know.

[48:22] It could be either way.

[48:22] I'll let you debate who was described as what.

[48:25] Anyway, I wanted to ask what, if any, current comic book titles you geeks follow, and if Elliot will be appearing again at this year's con.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] I haven't been asked, but maybe that'd be nice.

[48:35] Someone's got to, who's doing a panel, has to ask me.

Dan McCoy

[48:38] I assume, I always assume that I'm the one being described as super awkward.

Elliott Kalan

[48:42] But you also could be gay.

[48:43] It's true.

[48:44] Whereas Stuart does get shy around people he doesn't know.

[48:47] He's like a wild animal.

[48:49] He introduced himself to Hallie as a laid-back party dude.

[48:52] But he knows.

Stuart Wellington

[48:53] And also, a lot of boyfriends slash male friends describe me as gay for fear of my sexual prowess.

[49:00] Yeah.

[49:01] For fear of it?

[49:02] Yeah, like there's an intimidation factor.

[49:04] So they describe, I don't, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[49:06] What was the other, what comics do we read now?

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] So they say he's gay, right?

[49:09] So that she doesn't get any crazy ideas.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] So, comic books though.

[49:14] Stuart and I, we'll both read Sixth Gun.

[49:17] Yep.

[49:17] Yeah, yeah.

[49:17] We both read Prophet.

[49:19] Yeah, yeah.

[49:20] Brandon Graham stuff's awesome.

[49:21] Yeah, the Manhattan Projects, we both enjoy.

[49:25] What other stuff?

[49:25] I like Hawkeye, but you hate Matt Fraction.

[49:27] I hate Matt Fraction.

[49:29] Wolverine and the X-Men is a fun book.

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] I just picked up the second collection of Dial H.

[49:36] Okay.

[49:36] But that's not ongoing.

Elliott Kalan

[49:37] No, that was canceled.

Dan McCoy

[49:39] And I mostly enjoy reprints of old comics.

[49:44] I have been buying up pretty much every, I think every actually EC reprint that has happened.

[49:51] The Fantagraphics.

[49:52] The Fantagraphics have been putting out beautiful reprints of EC work.

Stuart Wellington

[49:55] I think I just have the Jack Davis one.

[49:57] Yeah.

[49:57] And it's awesome.

Dan McCoy

[49:58] But they're all grouped by artists and they're all in beautiful black and white.

[50:01] And they certainly had the best stable of comics artists of the time.

[50:07] So that's why I...

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] Yeah, you were saying how like, you're shocked at how great their stable was at the time.

Dan McCoy

[50:13] Well, also like, I'm shocked at just like, how much the general level of comics art has deteriorated.

[50:19] I know that there was terrible comics at the time too.

[50:22] I think that there's actually a lot of really good art going on in comics right now.

[50:26] Okay.

[50:26] I just...

Elliott Kalan

[50:26] But EC, in terms of art, was the top of the heap at the time.

Dan McCoy

[50:31] I mean, just a group of legendary people.

[50:34] Yeah.

[50:36] But to move on.

Elliott Kalan

[50:38] Is Dan's favorite part of the life.

Stuart Wellington

[50:41] And the Halle Berry from BAPS.

Elliott Kalan

[50:43] Yeah, Dan's like, oh, Halle Berry's butt is winning me over to this.

[50:47] I didn't say it in those words necessarily.

[50:48] Excellent performance from Halle Berry's behind quarters.

[50:51] I'm sure we could think of other comics that we like if we thought about it, but that's enough for now.

Dan McCoy

[50:56] So this next letter is titled, Arabic Popeyes.

[51:01] Dan.

[51:02] Keep talking.

[51:03] Tell Elliot it's from David, last name withheld.

[51:05] But not my brother, right?

[51:07] Tell him, yes, that David.

[51:09] Has he thrown a fit yet?

Elliott Kalan

[51:11] Good, onto the letter.

[51:12] Oh, my stomach.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] By the way, this letter's from Sam, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] Oh, so it's not from David, last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[51:19] It's a prank.

[51:20] Oh, okay.

[51:20] Phew.

[51:21] But he writes...

Stuart Wellington

[51:22] Best part of a prank?

[51:23] Tell him it's a prank in the middle of it.

[51:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[51:25] Well, he writes...

[51:27] Well, it's better than like an Andy Kaufman type prank where you never tell them it's a

[51:30] prank and people are just like, what happened?

[51:32] I don't understand.

[51:32] Yeah, you take it to your grave.

Dan McCoy

[51:33] I feel like there's a lot of email to get through while still maintaining that prank.

[51:39] But he writes, hey, floppers...

[51:40] Well, you were the one who broke it.

[51:41] Don't get mad at me.

[51:43] Specifically, Elliot.

[51:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:44] As I was listening through the Flophouse backlog on my flight to Amen.

[51:49] Amen?

[51:49] How do you say that?

[51:50] Amen.

[51:50] Okay.

[51:51] I was made a note of a fan letter from a flop fan in Qatar who was eager to try Popeye's

[51:56] chicken.

[51:57] As I made my way toward Jordan, I wondered if I would be treated to the same experience.

[52:03] When I finally beat the jet lag and figured out the local area enough, I sat out in search

[52:07] of a Popeye's.

[52:08] The search was lasted all of five seconds because they're as common as McDonald's here.

[52:12] I was excited to give Elliot a translation and show off my Arabic skills to out-know-it-all,

[52:17] the famed know-it-all, but it was disappointing to find that not only was the sign in English,

[52:22] but all the employees spoke fluent English as well.

[52:24] All I can leave you with is the assumption that the Arabic Popeye's sign read, bub-eyes,

[52:29] as there's no equivalent to the letter P in Arabic.

[52:32] Just to provoke more...

[52:33] Then how do they say hippopotamus?

Elliott Kalan

[52:36] Just to provoke...

[52:37] No, answer my question, Dan.

[52:38] Goddammit.

[52:40] Yeah, you're saying...

Dan McCoy

[52:41] I like the idea that you think that the email would immediately give you a response.

[52:44] Email.

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] Scan.

[52:46] Enhanced by 30%.

[52:47] Now answer my question.

[52:50] Hippopotamus.

Dan McCoy

[52:51] Just to provoke more response out of this letter, I also noticed that I was going to

[52:54] that it has been hard to me to find food here that isn't doused in either ketchup or mayo,

[52:59] usually both.

[53:01] What are your thoughts on dumping ketchup onto an already perfect food like Popeye's chicken?

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] I mean, I would never eat ketchup on Popeye's chicken.

[53:08] That sounds...

[53:09] No.

[53:09] I love ketchup.

[53:10] Don't get me wrong.

[53:12] But why would you do that?

[53:12] It doesn't make sense to me.

[53:13] I mean, Elliot gets mad at me for putting hot sauce on it.

[53:14] He likes ketchup-flavored potato chips.

Stuart Wellington

[53:17] Yeah, sure.

[53:17] You get ketchup-flavored potato chips in England.

[53:20] Say those things.

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] But the...

[53:23] I used to put ketchup on everything when I was a kid, but now I've come to realize that

[53:26] food tastes good without it much of the time.

[53:29] So...

[53:29] You don't just want to eat ketchup for every meal.

[53:31] No.

[53:32] No.

[53:32] Well, like, even a hamburger where you'd put...

[53:34] A lot of people would put ketchup on.

[53:35] Like, if I know it's going to be a good hamburger, I want to taste the beef.

[53:39] I feel like you should do it like a public service.

[53:40] You just don't like cats with different variations of texture.

[53:42] And let me tell you.

[53:43] I've learned that food tastes good.

[53:45] And let me talk about another trend I'm not a fan of.

[53:47] Mayonnaise on hamburgers.

[53:48] You're not a fran of?

[53:49] Yeah.

[53:50] That I'm not a fran-dresher of.

[53:52] But nannies.

[53:53] But if you go to California, you better fucking make sure they don't put mayonnaise on your

[53:58] hamburger.

[53:58] You'll have to ask them explicitly.

[53:59] I like mayo on a hamburger.

[54:00] Because they don't tell you they're going to put it on, but they do anyway.

[54:02] Mayonnaise.

Stuart Wellington

[54:02] Or they'll be like, hey, this guy probably wants avocado.

[54:05] I'll slip you a free avocado in there.

Elliott Kalan

[54:07] It doesn't say avocado on the extensive list of ingredients.

[54:09] I think mayo and beef is a classic combination.

[54:11] This is going to be a surprise for your tongue you'll never forget.

[54:14] You'll be thanking me until the day you die.

[54:16] I love all the things you're talking about.

[54:16] Your muscles are going to enjoy this protein.

[54:18] Don't worry about it, guy.

[54:19] Everyone loves this food that Elliot hates.

[54:21] Anyway, you're saying that?

Dan McCoy

[54:22] Avocado is filled with great, you know, healthy fats.

Elliott Kalan

[54:25] Oh, yeah, healthy fats, the recording artist.

[54:29] Slash pool player.

[54:31] They ground up healthy fats and put them in avocado.

[54:34] I'm healthy fats.

[54:36] I'm not really very healthy.

[54:37] I'm a walking contradiction.

Dan McCoy

[54:39] So, wait.

[54:42] So, wait.

Stuart Wellington

[54:44] Avocado looks like slimer given torporeal form.

[54:48] So, wait.

[54:50] Last letter.

[54:51] Okay, I don't know why you were.

Dan McCoy

[54:53] Yeah.

[54:54] This one.

[54:55] Wait a minute.

[54:55] It might be a bit.

[54:56] This one is from David.

[54:58] Last name withheld.

[54:59] You better not be.

[55:00] Elliot's brother.

Elliott Kalan

[55:01] Oh, God.

[55:02] Oh, it burns.

Dan McCoy

[55:04] Howdy, floppers.

[55:06] First of all, I cannot express.

[55:07] Don't take the fucking familiar with us.

Elliott Kalan

[55:09] I mean, he's my brother.

Dan McCoy

[55:11] I cannot express how happy I was to hear Dan recommend the classic hockey documentary.

[55:16] Hockey-mentary.

[55:17] Sudden death during your recent RIPD episode.

[55:24] As I was listening, however, I heard Dan refer to the now-raised Mellon Arena in Pittsburgh,

[55:29] where the film takes place as a hockey stadium.

[55:32] At which point, an all-too-predictable light bulb went off in my head where I thought,

[55:36] it's an arena, Dan.

[55:37] It's an arena.

[55:39] It was at this point that Elliot chimed in with, I think they're called arenas.

[55:44] A sigh of relief.

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] Oh, good.

[55:46] I finally live up to my brother's standards.

Dan McCoy

[55:47] I was reminded of a moment a few years ago when Jon Stewart referred to Hillary Clinton

[55:51] as Wolverine because she was a woman of steel.

[55:54] As I watched, I thought, but Wolverine's skeleton was bonded with adamantium, only to see Elliot

[55:58] appear on screen and offer the same correction seconds later.

[56:01] Based on a true story.

[56:02] My conclusion, we are the dorkiest brothers in history.

[56:04] Either way, after hearing Elliot's on-air sports-related correction, I was finally reassured that

[56:10] all of my years of working and teaching had not been for naught.

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] My work on this earth is done.

[56:14] Goodbye.

[56:15] Floats up to heaven.

Dan McCoy

[56:17] David Kalin died on the way to his home planet.

Elliott Kalan

[56:19] No!

[56:20] Oh, no!

[56:21] He was from another planet?

[56:22] I guess.

Dan McCoy

[56:23] Of my eldest brother, I could not have been more proud.

[56:26] Only brother.

[56:27] Also eldest.

[56:27] Yours in dorkdom, David Kalin.

[56:29] Oh, that's very sweet, David.

Elliott Kalan

[56:30] Thank you.

[56:31] I love you, too.

[56:32] Very nice.

[56:33] That's a very sweet letter to end on.

[56:35] Thanks, Dan.

[56:35] And thanks, Dave, for writing in.

Dan McCoy

[56:36] Maybe the healing can begin.

Elliott Kalan

[56:39] Dave, you know what?

[56:40] As a result, I will let you induct my son into being a Mets fan and never being happy ever

[56:45] in his life.

Dan McCoy

[56:48] So this is the point in the podcast, though, where we recommend movies that we've seen usually

[56:53] recently that we...

[56:54] Or even just heard about.

Elliott Kalan

[56:56] Anyway, so I heard there's this movie where a girl takes her boobs out.

[57:01] It's called Guardians of the Galaxy.

[57:05] No way, man.

[57:06] No way.

[57:06] No, no, seriously.

[57:07] They can't do that in a movie.

Dan McCoy

[57:09] No.

[57:09] We recommend movies that we like instead of, say, Baps.

[57:13] Pardon me.

[57:14] Baps.

[57:15] Why sneeze?

[57:16] Baps you.

[57:17] Baps you.

[57:17] Thank you.

[57:20] So, Stuart, you have your phone out as if you've made notes.

[57:23] What movie do you want to...

[57:24] He's just playing Candy Crush.

Stuart Wellington

[57:25] I've not made notes.

[57:28] Also, I want to point out that I...

Elliott Kalan

[57:30] He was frantically looking up that boobs movie I mentioned.

Stuart Wellington

[57:33] Is it called boobs, the movie?

Dan McCoy

[57:34] Yeah, I was looking at keywords, boobs, shirt off.

Elliott Kalan

[57:36] You love the body part.

[57:37] Now watch the movie.

[57:39] Anyway, you're saying, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[57:41] I just want to point out that I earlier recommended Twin Sitters.

[57:44] You should watch that if you haven't.

Elliott Kalan

[57:46] That is a good, bad movie.

[57:48] It's a very bad movie.

[57:49] Very fun movie.

Stuart Wellington

[57:50] It stars two twin brother barbarians.

[57:53] You should check it out.

[57:54] Twin brother barbarians.

Elliott Kalan

[57:57] Call them barbarian brothers.

[57:58] I think that their career is that they're barbarians.

[58:00] Not really barbarians.

Stuart Wellington

[58:02] Yeah, they're named after their career.

Dan McCoy

[58:06] Like Archer, Cooper, these are all names that are...

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] Yeah, waiter.

[58:15] Repairman.

[58:15] It's all numbers.

Stuart Wellington

[58:16] I know.

[58:17] Genre repairman.

[58:19] Genre repairman?

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] Yeah.

[58:21] You know, like Guillermo del Toro or Christopher Nolan.

Stuart Wellington

[58:26] So I'm going to recommend a movie that you've all probably already seen.

[58:31] But you go see it again.

[58:32] It's called Baps.

[58:32] It's called...

[58:33] It's the Lego movie.

[58:35] I saw it recently.

[58:36] It was great.

[58:36] I haven't seen that yet.

[58:38] A bunch of people recommended it on the Flophouse Facebook group and just in general.

[58:43] I'll go.

[58:43] It was really good.

[58:45] If you haven't seen it, you should go see it.

[58:47] It's a movie for children that doesn't rely on a lot of fart jokes or just stupid cutaways.

[58:57] It's genuinely moving and there's some great voice talent without being overly distracting.

Dan McCoy

[59:01] Stu, are you saying I should Lego my opposition to movies based on products?

Stuart Wellington

[59:07] Now, you're making a reference to the Ego ad campaign.

[59:12] Which the Ego movie is terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[59:16] Stuart's saying run.

Stuart Wellington

[59:17] It's just watching Steve Carell put his head on a pile of pancakes.

Elliott Kalan

[59:21] No, that's Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[59:22] It's turned its life as an Ego movie.

Elliott Kalan

[59:26] No, he's saying run.

[59:27] Oh, that joke made me so happy.

[59:29] He's saying run, don't Duplo to the Lego movie.

Dan McCoy

[59:32] No, this makes sense.

[59:34] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[59:36] So I guess the Lego movie.

Dan McCoy

[59:37] You probably already seen it, but watch it again.

[59:39] Quickly, I want to recommend two, count them, two movies.

[59:43] Number one.

[59:44] I'll count them when you say them.

[59:45] Is a documentary called Beauty is Embarrassing.

[59:48] It's on Netflix streaming.

[59:49] It's about the artist Wayne White, who was the set designer for Pee-wee's Playhouse.

[59:58] And then went on.

[1:00:00] He now has.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:02] I thought Gary Panter designed the sets for Pee-wee's Playhouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:04] Gary Panter was involved in that.

[1:00:06] But like.

[1:00:07] But Wayne White was the main.

[1:00:09] Wayne White.

[1:00:09] I mean.

[1:00:10] Well, maybe.

[1:00:10] I don't know how the breakdown.

[1:00:12] You didn't pay any close attention.

[1:00:12] Look, I'm not going to dispute the documentary.

[1:00:14] I'm just saying.

[1:00:15] I don't know how the breakdown.

[1:00:15] I know that Gary Panter also was part of that.

[1:00:18] I don't know what the breakdown is.

[1:00:19] Like Wayne White, I know, did a bunch of the puppets for it.

[1:00:23] So maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

[1:00:25] But.

[1:00:25] And he was like the voice of.

[1:00:28] Who was the bully character who always came down from the ceiling?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:31] Oh, that mean kid.

[1:00:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:33] The marionette.

[1:00:34] But he also like late in his career.

[1:00:37] I mean.

[1:00:38] And he did things like also like he did the George Melier kind of influence Smashing Pumpkins Tonight Tonight video.

[1:00:47] But then late in his career he started doing these paintings that were just word paintings where he would paint on.

[1:00:57] What do you call it?

[1:00:58] Landscapes that you would find in thrift stores.

[1:01:01] And they're just sort of like funny, crazy words painted over these landscapes.

[1:01:06] Like heart.

[1:01:06] But like kind of integrated into the landscape.

[1:01:08] That's funny.

[1:01:08] Like belch.

[1:01:08] Yeah.

[1:01:09] But I mean.

[1:01:11] But he's a very interesting character himself.

[1:01:13] He's kind of one of these guys that I think like this group that you don't necessarily see in pop culture that much.

[1:01:21] The Beatles.

[1:01:21] But he's like a type of character that you don't see in fiction a lot but exists in real life which is kind of like this southern hippie.

[1:01:30] And hippie like has like maybe a negative connotation to it that I don't intend.

[1:01:34] But.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:35] Like foghorn leghorn.

[1:01:36] Not like your aggressive hick but like a laid back like kind of live and let live type southern guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:43] But also not so much that but like a counterculture southern guy.

[1:01:47] So not a hippie.

[1:01:48] Like a southern guy who's like kind of like has like crazy ideas and like this like crazy like counterculture creativity.

[1:01:58] Like Jefferson Davis.

[1:01:59] But still like.

[1:02:00] Like Tennessee.

[1:02:02] But still has sort of like this like grounding that you associate with someone like who came from like a very rural area.

[1:02:08] And it's just an interesting sort of combination of traits that exist in real life.

[1:02:13] But again you don't see in fiction.

[1:02:14] So it's kind of.

[1:02:15] He's a very interesting character.

[1:02:17] I recommend the documentary a lot.

[1:02:18] It's an inspiring documentary.

[1:02:20] What's it called?

[1:02:20] Beautiful.

[1:02:21] Beauty's Embarrassing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:23] Beauty's Embarrassing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:25] Yep.

[1:02:26] Yep.

[1:02:26] It's a BBC drama about a family law practice in the 18th century.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:31] But I also watched The Seahawk.

[1:02:34] Michael Curtiz is a swashbuckler with Errol Flynn.

[1:02:40] And you got Claude Rains as a very interesting I think bad guy in that movie.

[1:02:44] Because he's kind of a conflicted bad guy.

[1:02:48] He's an ambassador who doesn't necessarily want war to break out.

[1:02:53] And has a lot of like familial feeling for his niece who falls in love with Errol Flynn.

[1:03:00] And so I feel like.

[1:03:01] I don't know.

[1:03:02] Like I like that in a lot of these old movies you would have characters like these Claude

[1:03:06] Rain villains who had very sympathetic sides to them even though they were in opposition

[1:03:11] to your swashbuckling hero.

[1:03:13] And he's not just trying to find like a magic amulet or something.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:17] It was before they thought that anything involving fencing also had to have magic or ghosts in

[1:03:23] it.

[1:03:23] Yeah.

[1:03:23] Or a curse or a prophecy.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:26] Take that.

[1:03:26] The Pirates of the Caribbean series I guess?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:29] Caribbean.

[1:03:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:29] Basically.

[1:03:31] Pirates.

[1:03:31] I was a Caribbean.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:33] So those are two movies I enjoyed quite a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:35] I'll recommend a movie I enjoyed a lot too.

[1:03:37] Why not?

[1:03:37] That seems to be the theme tonight.

[1:03:41] I'm going to recommend.

[1:03:42] Distance yourself from this.

[1:03:43] I'm going to recommend an action movie from the 60s called.

[1:03:47] It's called Action Jackson.

[1:03:48] It's called Action.

[1:03:50] It's not a movie so much as a TV show with J.

[1:03:51] There's not a lot of action in it.

[1:03:54] It's a movie called The Professionals.

[1:03:56] This is not the sequel to The Professionals.

[1:03:57] Oh, that's a very good movie.

[1:03:58] In fact, it predates it by nearly 30 years.

[1:04:01] But The Professionals with Burt Lancaster.

[1:04:03] But it does star Natalie Portman.

[1:04:04] No.

[1:04:05] Natalie Portman.

[1:04:06] So it's Natalie Portman with two words put into one word.

[1:04:11] It's got a great cast.

[1:04:12] Burt Lancaster, Lee Marvin, Robert Ryan, Woody Strode, Jack Palance playing a Mexican character,

[1:04:17] Ralph Bellamy as an old man, and Claudia Cardinal as one of two.

[1:04:21] Oh, busty ladies in it.

[1:04:24] Okay, what's this movie called again?

[1:04:26] It's called The Professionals.

[1:04:27] It's called Boobs the Movie.

[1:04:28] And it's one of many Westerns set during the Mexican revolutions of the early 20th century.

[1:04:34] And Ralph Bellamy is a rich man who says his wife has been kidnapped by this Mexican rebel leader.

[1:04:41] He hires a group of adventurers, basically,

[1:04:44] two of whom, Burt Lancaster and Lee Marvin, used to work with this rebel leader when they still believed in something.

[1:04:49] And so they have to go into Mexico and kill roughly 300 guys and steal this woman back.

[1:04:55] But that's also what I was like.

[1:04:56] But not everything is as it seems.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:58] Well, that's what I was going to say about that.

[1:04:59] That also is a movie that has a more complex morality, I would say, than most modern action movies,

[1:05:05] even though most modern action movies seem to think that they're all gritty and, like, have interesting moralities.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:10] It's a movie in which the characters really have to make...

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:12] Like an illusion of postmodernism.

[1:05:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:15] Kind of.

[1:05:16] But it's a movie where the characters really have to make moral choices about what's going on and what they're going to do.

[1:05:22] And Lee Marvin especially feels like he's at a crossroads.

[1:05:25] It's directed by Richard Brooks, who's one of these directors that was never, like, one of the legendary directors,

[1:05:31] but was a very solid, you know, knew how to make a movie.

[1:05:34] There's a lot of great shots in it of the desert that they're in.

[1:05:38] And of busty ladies, I'd hope.

[1:05:40] There's some great shots of busty ladies.

[1:05:43] And there's a great shot of busty Poindexter.

[1:05:46] Busty Poindexter.

[1:05:48] Is that like a junior version of a fan actor Buster Poindexter?

[1:05:51] That is the laziest burlesque routine.

[1:05:53] I'll just strip to hot, hot, hot.

[1:05:55] Call me busty Poindexter.

[1:05:57] Whatever.

[1:05:57] It doesn't matter.

[1:05:58] Look, we've got to put this burlesque show together in 17 minutes.

[1:06:01] Or maybe...

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:01] Choke me to death with a cat at the end.

[1:06:03] I don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:03] Or you could be like a...

[1:06:04] You could be a nerd...

Dan McCoy

[1:06:07] You could be a nerd stripper and call yourself Busty Poindexter.

[1:06:10] That's a little less lazy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:11] Yeah, but you're still going to end up dancing to hot, hot, hot.

[1:06:13] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:14] Maybe playing an electric violin at some point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:17] Unless you're going to strip to a fucking Weezer song.

[1:06:20] The nerdiest music there is.

[1:06:21] But anyway, it's a lot of fun.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:23] Strip to Undone, the sweater song.

[1:06:25] As your sweater slowly gets on, it's pretty lazy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:28] And very boring to watch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:32] Takes it forever.

[1:06:32] Burlesque routines going on 13 minutes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:34] Oof.

[1:06:35] This is...

[1:06:36] That's the thing, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:37] You're teasing your business.

[1:06:39] This is the Craymaster cycle of burlesque routines.

[1:06:43] This is the Berlin Alexanderplatz of burlesque.

[1:06:45] I've been sitting here for 20 hours.

[1:06:48] She's...

[1:06:49] It's still just up to her mid-rib.

[1:06:52] I haven't seen anything I couldn't see if I just saw her, you know, on the beach.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:56] That's what makes it hotter.

[1:06:57] It's like old Hollywood.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:59] Yeah, because old Hollywood's all about sweaters slowly unraveling.

[1:07:02] By the end, you're totally straining at your denim, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:06] To get out of your seat.

[1:07:07] To get out.

[1:07:07] Yeah, because there's a denim seatbelt strapping you in, and you want to get away.

[1:07:12] But the professionals.

[1:07:14] Look it up.

[1:07:15] It's a lot of fun.

[1:07:16] It's good, solid action-adventurism, as they don't really make them much anymore.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:22] So, guys, with BAPS, we've completed our initials month here at the Flophouse.

[1:07:30] What a weird theme.

[1:07:32] Yeah.

[1:07:33] So, if you have an idea for a crazy theme.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:35] We finished our Ryan Reynolds Halle Berry month.

[1:07:39] Email it in.

[1:07:41] To flophouse at BAPS.ript.

[1:07:46] .edu.

[1:07:47] .lo governor.

[1:07:48] There's so many dots in this.

[1:07:49] .matrix.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:51] So, what's the Flophouse email address, Dan?

[1:07:55] Oh, geez.

[1:07:56] It's theflophousepodcast at gmail.com.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:58] Okay, great.

[1:07:59] And people should listen to the Flophouse, right?

[1:08:00] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:02] I think that we've already gotten them on that one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:05] And they should buy a shirt with our faces on it, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:07] Yeah, if you want that, you can go to astoymerchandise.com.

[1:08:11] But enough shilling for ourselves.

[1:08:13] We should sign off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:14] We barely shilled at all.

[1:08:15] Let's shill for farmer's insurance.

[1:08:17] Okay.

[1:08:18] And farmers, they know that you need insurance.

[1:08:21] Anyway.

[1:08:22] That's not an official sponsor.

[1:08:23] Just the first thing that popped into my head.

[1:08:25] Probably because Al Magical used to do commercials with them.

[1:08:28] Al Magical to Flophouse fans.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:31] So, anyway.

[1:08:32] Enough gibberish for one podcast.

[1:08:36] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:08:38] Over there is Elliot Kalen.

[1:08:40] And right ahead of me, I hope forever, is Stuart Willington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:43] Good night, everyone.

[1:08:44] Willington?

[1:08:45] Shut up, man.

[1:08:47] It was Wellington, okay?

[1:08:47] The light bulb.

[1:09:02] Here's the kind of filament I'll use.

[1:09:04] David Lynch is Thomas Edison in What the Fuck Were They Thinking When They Cast David Lynch.

[1:09:09] The movie.

[1:09:10] Based on the book of the same name.

[1:09:13] Rated R.

[1:09:13] Oh, wait.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:15] I'll save the business thing for after.

[1:09:17] Business thing.

[1:09:18] It's very loose.

[1:09:19] But it's called a penis.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:22] Let me give you the business thing.

[1:09:25] Who wants it first?

[1:09:26] Before you get the business thing, can you sign these papers?

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:29] I need to sign a wafer.

[1:09:31] A wafer.

[1:09:32] A wafer.

[1:09:36] Take a drink, fellas.

[1:09:37] We're in for a long haul.

[1:09:38] Rooster.

[1:09:39] Rooster.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:39] Rooster.

The Flop House: Episode #146 - BAP*S

Transcript

In this episode

Description

The Flop House: Episode #146 - B*A*P*S

Transcript

In this episode

Description

The Flop House: Episode #146 - BAP*S