The Flop House: Episode #147 - Devil's Pass AND Awards Floptacular

[0:00] It's a flop house twofer as we discuss Rinny Harlan's Devil's Pass and have our annual awards floptacular

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house. I'm Dan McCoy. Hey Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington

[0:39] and I am Elliot Kalin the third in the trio all for one and one for all the three flopsketeers

[0:45] three coins in a flopton hooray is it weird that of the three there's the three musketeers but the

[0:54] most important really weird is not included in that number well it's because it's about him

[0:58] joining the three musketeers right yeah well so well mystery solved i guess encyclopedia brown

[1:05] concludes the case of the missing musketeer it was all about the puddle of water on the floor

[1:13] it was a black ice it turned out mules can't have children

[1:19] that's how you know bugs meanie's plot was fake we like mules from

[1:24] ad and d's dark sun setting mules like in the mule in the foundation series okay yeah he wouldn't

[1:29] have called it the first battle of bull run because at the time he wouldn't have known

[1:32] there would have been a second battle of bull run thanks battle of menaces close the case

[1:40] so are we doing something here what's going on this is not an encyclopedia brown cast this is

[1:47] a podcast where we talk about bad movies we're called the flop house podcast we watch a bad movie

[1:52] then we discuss it and um a little note a little programming note sure normally at this time we

[1:59] would be doing our awards floptacular but nobody likes those no one likes those we've but what

[2:04] we're going to do we're going to roll that into this episode so that you can not like a part of

[2:08] this episode sure yeah this is i think our listeners are going to revolt dan and burn a

[2:14] dan shaped thing an effigy yeah we're selling an effigy then

[2:17] or something burns me right off we're gonna find that oh no the awards floptacular is our favorite

[2:23] episode we wait all year for that yeah is what they're gonna and we'll be like how come the

[2:27] download number is still a different story uh so we're watching in this case we'll watch the movie

[2:33] we're going to talk about that for the first half and then we're going to do a abbreviated awards

[2:37] flop so we're not going to have any uh movie recommendations or letters no no letters but

[2:46] that means no letter songs i'm sure you'll figure out some way around that loophole we'll record a

[2:51] special episode did someone say loophole hey everybody let's make a whole of a loop let's

[2:58] loop in a hole let's get a roll let's something that's i can't do it it doesn't work it's got

[3:04] to be letters the only things you can sing about yeah that's what this is news yeah that's yeah

[3:10] that's why all the beetle songs are about letters eleanor letters letters on the hill yeah we all

[3:17] live on a yellow letter revolution number letters lucy in the sky with diamonds i should have said

[3:22] wait a minute i didn't even change any of it i was gonna say lucy in the sky with letters then say

[3:27] you expect me to say letter in the sky with diamonds instead i so totally screwed it up

[3:32] that i didn't even put the word letter in there uh ellie's been spending too much time with me

[3:37] and becoming an incomprehensible mouth now i can't talk and my tongue is trying to leap out

[3:43] of my mouth and escape yeah it sounds much fun when i'm the only one who speaks properly around

[3:48] here yeah so dan the queen's english like they speak in queens so dan sorry uh yeah we watched

[3:56] a movie tonight called the devil's pass it's actually just called devil's pass the devil's

[4:02] there is no the it's the difference between the invisible man and invisible man they're two very

[4:07] different books directed by renfield harlan renfield harlan descended from the dracula

[4:13] renfield um no it's renny harlan you may know him from previous flop house uh movie 12 rounds you

[4:20] may know him for previous flop house bad movie recommendation mine hunter mine hunters uh long

[4:27] good night probably sure cliffhanger

[4:35] that that exorcist prequel that katharine island too right he did katharine island yeah that was

[4:39] his the biggest bomb of all time according to somebody um so yeah he's a guy who knows how to

[4:46] make a big blockbuster number in elm street four he was going to make a sound of the thunder but

[4:51] he didn't okay somebody else made that probably would have been more entertaining although based

[4:55] on this based on this movie no it wouldn't have uh now 12 rounds let's all remember was really fun

[5:01] it is a fun stupid movie devil's past stars like some kind of mud man uh cast in the shape of a

[5:08] human being john santa bashing his way through nolan's and also uh carcetti from the wire yeah

[5:15] but we didn't watch that movie this time we watched devil's pass which is stewart's favorite

[5:21] type of horror movie a found footage horror movie yeah i can't get enough of that sweet

[5:25] found footage everything where do you find it in the fucking garbage i hope because it's trash

[5:31] everything in it is as if it was recorded by a group of they're like college students who go on

[5:37] a quest yeah they're gonna find a magic whistle yeah they went to an inn and the the innkeeper

[5:45] gave them shots of some kind of strange let's get let's get into the movie before we get to that

[5:50] scene okay so two college students are putting together a movie about the but little did they

[5:56] know that innkeeper was actually a wizard it's because he produced flame he just used like a

[6:02] torch it would not it's called lighter elliot uh so there are two college students who hire

[6:10] three other college students to go with them to investigate uh a real life incident according to

[6:16] wikipedia called the at the dot dyatlov pass incident in which at a mountain pass in russia

[6:22] a party of nine climbers was found dead with some strange circumstances about them they

[6:29] didn't have shoes and were in various states of undress some of them were found to be slightly

[6:33] radioactive and they had horrible wounds that were on the inside but not the outside a few of them

[6:39] and it's never been explained and it is very clear renny harlan read a book about it and

[6:43] decided to make a crappy movie about it sounds like a fascinating thing to make a movie about it

[6:48] about now let's see how he ruins it by not really focusing on the actual incident allow me to

[6:54] explain that the most interesting thing in the movie to me is that there's a character briefly

[6:57] that you see named dr kittles which sounds like a horror movie for kids about an evil veterinarian

[7:04] who like kills kittens i guess it was it like the prequel to dr giggles it's the cat version of

[7:10] dr giggles you know how sometimes they'll like there's a porn version of some movies other movies

[7:15] that make cat versions catman and robin and so forth sure i just thought that like if you were

[7:19] in a movie like say you're watching a movie like an american tale where there are cat characters

[7:25] there would be all villains of course in the background except for dom there would be a marquee

[7:30] on one of the movie theaters that would say dr kittles yeah because there's a dr giggles joke in

[7:36] an american tale a children's movie made before dr giggles

[7:43] great dan great yeah sorry i apologize to you and everyone thank you apology accepted

[7:49] and much needed uh so there's three there's five kids one is the conspiracy nut

[7:55] one is the earnest clear danes looking uh woman who'd like to do so another is a woman who is

[8:02] their sound expert uh and two mountain climbing experts get all kinds of women in this movie

[8:07] you've got blondes and brunettes it's two and dr kittles who's a woman but uh and there's an old

[8:13] woman too but anyway not a sentient cat it's not a totoro type situation uh why do you look at me

[8:22] when you said that oh because you're half totoro sure so anyway they uh but it turns out so we we

[8:30] watch their footage and then we cut to news stories saying that a bunch of american teens

[8:35] were found dead and went disappeared went missing disappeared in russia we see a really fake looking

[8:41] american fake newscast then a pretty realistic looking russian newscast and then there's

[8:47] something that's like by the way uh they never released any footage from the cameras that were

[8:52] found but uh some hackers found some of it and here it is and so the rest of the movie i guess

[8:57] we're watching like a front line or something because this goes on for a while we're watching

[9:00] like a movie within a movie within a movie and they show the entirety of the found the recovered

[9:07] footage of this group and to make a long story short they're a bunch of young jerks they go to

[9:11] russia they ride a train forever a lot of joking and a lot of flirting they go there a lot of

[9:16] flirting and joking they go to a little town uh there they go to a bar and they drink the same

[9:21] drink that the man that the original uh jatlov party drank uh 50 years ago which is like saturnian

[9:28] wine or something as if it's like a weird coincidence but the bartender's like oh what

[9:33] are you doing here oh we're gonna go up there and investigate what happened to the jatlov party

[9:37] okay well here's a drink that they had yeah you know you should try it too spooky yeah i mean how

[9:43] long do you think this fucking guy's been waiting to serve somebody this drink oh clearly no one

[9:48] a theme restaurant yeah just it's everybody it's just party after party goes through looking for

[9:54] these missing these uh the answers behind this mysteriously dead climbing group and he's like

[9:59] oh another one

[10:00] All right haul out the spooky sounds. It's like going down to Salem and like having like the witch witch martini. Yeah having a witch burger

[10:08] Wait, yeah down at a broom Hilda's

[10:11] the witch themed fast-food restaurant

[10:15] Yeah going to a Loch Ness and having like a Nessie steak, yep

[10:19] It's just a regular beef steak and a diet blue. I got like a Sasquatch taco

[10:26] It's got like Sasquatch

[10:29] Explain where's the Sasquatch the in restaurant?

[10:52] Terrible appetizer instead of like salami or something

[10:58] Like a huge piece of salami. I guess it's Sasquatch lami. It's a lami wrapped around fur

[11:04] Yeah, is Salvador Dali serving you this?

[11:09] Down at Sally's place the surrealist restaurant all the waitresses are nude, but they have telephones for heads

[11:19] Here have our cocktail one perfect hard-boiled eggs is

[11:25] a pitcher of orange juice

[11:28] It's so you have to it served on the back of a moving cat. So go for it. Try to find it

[11:36] About what time it is because the clocks are all melting. This is a fully formed idea guys

[11:43] No, you should

[11:46] Write it to Salvador Dali courtesy of guy who died 30 years ago. It's more like 20 years ago

[11:52] care of almost played the Emperor in the Dune movie

[11:58] Weird I don't know if the post office is gonna deliver this. Oh, well, no, I'm just gonna steal the money

[12:05] Anyway, so these kids are going up to Russia. There's a lot of ominous signs. They go

[12:10] I'm gonna just gonna say it as quickly as possible. Yeah, you're camping out in the in the mountains

[12:14] It's snowing everything you'd expect to happen happen. They find their noises. They're spooky noises. They're mysterious footprints

[12:21] They find a disembodied tongue just lying in a weather station. It's like some sort of Blair Witches modeling them or something

[12:27] Yeah, some kind of Blair Russian, which I don't know what you'd call it like Blair of itch

[12:31] That's what it is some sort of Blair of itch

[12:33] Yeah, anyway, and eventually they find a hidden door inside that leads deep within the mountain

[12:39] Yep, where I guess smog is keeping his treasure in roll or whatever

[12:45] They're on a quest it's a role-playing game is a role-playing game called bore the audience

[12:50] Everyone's arguing. There's there the the like hunky athletic mountain climber expert

[12:56] You're using hunky super loosely, but well, he's supposed to be the hunky guy

[13:01] it bristles with the nerdy conspiracy guy who is also not that nerdy and

[13:07] It's there's an avalanche. Oh

[13:09] and

[13:10] The one of the women is killed in the avalanche the one who's the audio expert not the one who's like that

[13:15] It's the one that's most likely to get topless one, but she doesn't almost 13 movie

[13:20] Well, she sleeps with the mountain climber, but you don't see anything. It's a pg-13 movie. Yeah, anyway

[13:26] There's an avalanche. She's killed in that everyone else is running around. Oh, no

[13:29] Oh, no, the experienced mountain climber like breaks his leg or something, right? Yep. Yep

[13:35] I knew it chalked that up to a new experience and

[13:43] And a bunch of soldiers I guess fire at them and the three remaining members of soldiers

[13:50] Yeah, it was like Russian dude showed up. Yeah Russian. Yeah Russians Russian soldiers show up and they

[13:55] Basically the but they're off in the distance. We don't know their soldiers. They're Russians. They start firing

[13:59] They're guns like and they seem, you know, pretty well trained

[14:02] but before the firing happens like one of the leaders of our

[14:07] Intrepid band is like this avalanche was caused by the Russian government

[14:11] they want to hide something like they set charges off and and the Russian soldiers can sort of confirm this by showing up and

[14:19] Shooting at them and there was a there was a heart-to-heart moment before this where

[14:23] the of the two people who instigated this trip the guy says he once had a bad acid trip where he

[14:29] Imagined they were in this place years before he they went there and the girl says years ago when she was young

[14:35] She had a dream where she found a door that led into darkness and she went into the darkness. So

[14:41] Spooky, I guess anyway kinds of weird dreams do or shadow

[14:44] Anyway, the other mountain climber this one has a goatee gets shot and the three of them

[14:49] Escape into the door in the mountain, but the doors all lock on the outside

[14:52] So they pull it shut and then the soldiers lock them in and they wander through dark hallways now

[14:58] I've just skipped about 40 minutes of the movie

[15:00] which is mostly them walking around in the snow just kind of doing a bunch of nothing and

[15:05] like making a camp making camp snacks and

[15:09] There's a lot basically, there's a lot of measuring footprints

[15:12] There's a lot of the kind of details that are supposed to ever and they go over the details of the original

[15:18] The original disappearance over and over again and a lot of these are like real-world details

[15:23] I think they're supposed to make you feel more like this is lost footage. These were real people

[15:27] We care about them now, but instead of using the term a T instead of saying Appalachian Trail

[15:33] Yeah, but but instead you're just like

[15:35] Come on, I know one. I know this is fake too. I wouldn't know this must be a horror movie

[15:39] It's like let's get with this. Let's get with the spooks. Let's get with the scares

[15:42] But also where's the jump more fucking monsters in the background of the shots?

[15:46] Yeah, three for all the time that is spent don't use my numbering not start your own numbering

[15:55] For all the time that is spent not

[15:58] Doing anything you expect there to be character development

[16:02] But these are the most interchangeable group of nothing people

[16:07] Cardboard but what like their characteristics are one guy is

[16:12] Slightly nerdier than the others one terrible goatee one guy's a terrible goatee and he's the nicer of the two mountain climbers

[16:18] Mm-hmm, and I got like a weird hat. Yeah, and of the women one is blonde and the other isn't not blonde. Yeah, and

[16:27] And

[16:28] One I guess one lady's slightly sassier. Yeah, there's a little more restraint

[16:32] I don't even know if that's the case like the one is the is like the

[16:36] Like no nonsense. She's here on a mission. The other is just you know, like a long on it's just a job to her

[16:42] You know, yeah

[16:43] Yeah, and so anyway, they escape into the mountain renegade sound girl

[16:48] I'm only in it for the sound

[16:50] Yeah, there's one last job and then she can retire. Yeah

[16:53] Don't you like all right, yeah, then I just get down a key West open up a beach bar

[17:00] She records all the sounds she wants to record. Yeah, just take a microphone in a shell and record the sea

[17:07] Anyway, serve this specialty cocktail. That's a pitcher of orange juice with an egg in it. Yeah, I called the ADR

[17:13] I'm a sound person

[17:15] So they escape into the mountain and there are dark hallways and they basically feels like they ran into a Resident Evil game

[17:21] It's just dark hallways and like things skittering about they find an abandoned old Russian army base

[17:27] That has a bunch of records about the Philadelphia experiment the fables not real

[17:33] American Navy experiment from World War two where a ship supposedly travels

[17:37] Experiment where Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart merged together in Catherine Hepburn, right? Whoa

[17:46] What just some kind of threesome is a crazy chimera merged together

[17:51] thrusting

[17:54] Amazing if there was an early cut of Philadelphia of the Philadelphia story that included

[17:59] Hold on boys. I don't need to make a choice that included it just it just a long

[18:04] Very graphic double penetration see and the studio bosses were like George Cukor. What are you doing? Are you crazy?

[18:10] We can't release this is way ahead of its time

[18:14] This is so cutting-edge I can look into the future and imagine a time where this is commonplace

[18:19] But not now not now not no, we're locking it up in the vault

[18:23] Yeah, and that still exists guys and we gotta find it. Let's rob that vault

[18:28] Let's rather vault and finally get that

[18:31] Okay, what am I? Yeah, you're the you're the brains. I'm a real man

[18:37] Okay, so we have a car a smart guy and bombs

[18:41] Now all we gotta do is find her the film is figure out how to steal it and we're home free

[18:46] And then what we're gonna do with it afterwards is I think maybe once I can watch the novelty value of a threesome with Jimmy

[18:52] Stewart Cary Grant and Catherine Hepburn, but I don't know many times

[18:55] Yeah, after the first time or three times you just it's it's hard to enjoy

[18:58] I also like how Dan in Dan's mind experiment means threesome. Whereas I would think like something science-y

[19:06] The only yeah, like they start researching something and then they all have sex

[19:10] I

[19:13] Mean experiment science-y. Yeah. Well the scientific method

[19:17] Implies that they just gotta try everything. Our hypothesis is that three people will make it extra hot

[19:24] Let's test it. So but we need to replicate these results. So they find this down in in this

[19:31] They're in this place. There's a lot of there's a lot of old documents and they find some dead bodies

[19:36] Some of whom would like weird gross monstrously misshapen in their teeth and whatnot sharp teeth

[19:43] Eventually, it turns out there's a guy who's been hurt. They can't leave behind for some reason. Yeah, they say they'll come back

[19:51] Blood

[19:54] Let me just catch a couple Z's and I'll be okay

[20:00] I'm too tired to go on.

[20:02] He's had a rough day.

[20:04] I'm just going to snuggle down here.

[20:06] My feeties are so sore.

[20:08] I'll just lie here and get up my energy.

[20:12] So they're attacked by a bunch of monster people

[20:15] who have that elongated arms, pot belly.

[20:19] You've seen them in like a million movies.

[20:22] They're like the Legion demons.

[20:24] They don't die as easy as those demons.

[20:27] No, because they can teleport.

[20:29] And they're bamfing around like Nightcrawler

[20:31] in the beginning of X-Men 2.

[20:33] X2, X-Men United.

[20:35] And there's plenty of shots of these monsters

[20:39] like screaming at the camera

[20:42] or like grabbing somebody and moving all jittery.

[20:44] I gotta tell you.

[20:46] I've seen this before.

[20:48] You saw this movie already?

[20:50] Why did you make us watch it?

[20:52] I've seen this type of monster before.

[20:54] Like as we've been saying.

[20:56] It's a real Legion type of monster.

[20:58] Yeah, it's a pretty rote by the numbers.

[21:00] But that said,

[21:02] I feel like it was actually done better

[21:05] than I normally see it in this movie.

[21:07] It was genuinely kind of freaky

[21:09] when they finally showed up.

[21:11] Yeah, well the fact that they're half in shadow

[21:13] a lot of the time is good.

[21:15] And that they keep shifting around

[21:17] like they have this thing where they're

[21:19] phasing in and out of reality somehow.

[21:21] That made it a little creepier.

[21:23] Well, I like that description more than

[21:25] what they ended up saying

[21:27] that they're just teleporting around.

[21:29] The idea of them being unstuck in time

[21:31] is more interesting to me.

[21:33] Or like the monsters in From Beyond

[21:35] where they're kind of existing

[21:37] on a different plane of reality.

[21:39] Yeah, they're like popping in and out

[21:41] of our reality on their own.

[21:43] That's not what it is.

[21:45] They're just teleporting.

[21:47] But Dan's reading is better,

[21:49] so let's just take it that way.

[21:51] Yeah, and From Beyond's great.

[21:53] And From Beyond's fantastic.

[21:55] We haven't gotten to

[21:57] the full craziness of where this ending goes.

[21:59] But this movie unloads so much crazy

[22:01] at the end.

[22:03] In the last ten minutes.

[22:05] Instead of doing a slow drip,

[22:07] you have a lot of these characters wandering around in the snow

[22:09] not doing very much.

[22:11] And then suddenly in the last 10-15 minutes

[22:13] it's underground Soviet base,

[22:15] monster men who can teleport.

[22:17] Okay, we're going to open up this cave door.

[22:19] Oh, there's some kind of time portal

[22:21] that goes to lord knows where.

[22:23] We're going to leap through it.

[22:25] It's a fucking Stargate.

[22:27] Yeah, except when they go through it

[22:29] they don't end up in an Egyptian-based alien world

[22:31] run by the She-Man from the Crying Game.

[22:33] The Gua-Uld?

[22:35] Is that what it's called?

[22:37] They're the Gua-Uld, yeah.

[22:39] Wait, what?

[22:41] Guardians?

[22:43] The Owls of Gahooli.

[22:45] So they think,

[22:47] maybe we'll walk through it

[22:49] and we'll think about where we want to be

[22:51] and then we'll escape.

[22:53] And they walk through this portal and the camera goes with them

[22:55] and this is one of my problems that I have

[22:57] with this Cloverfield, Blair Witch movie.

[22:59] Something scary is chasing you,

[23:01] you can just drop the camera.

[23:03] The camera is not going to go with you.

[23:05] Every now and then they'll do something

[23:07] to show it's a found footage movie.

[23:09] They'll put the camera down and you'll be like,

[23:11] wait a minute, so you were running around with your hand

[23:13] in front of your face with a camera attached to it

[23:15] when you thought you were being shot at

[23:17] or that there were monsters coming at you.

[23:19] Nobody in the world would just keep shooting.

[23:21] I mean, maybe if you're a professional

[23:23] news photographer or something like that.

[23:25] But worse than that...

[23:27] That was my problem with Cloverfield though.

[23:29] It was like, seriously, the guy won't put down the damn camera?

[23:31] I know what you're saying, Dan.

[23:33] Well, we haven't gotten there yet,

[23:35] but you were about to say that they leap back into the past.

[23:37] When they go through,

[23:39] suddenly they're dead and we see through the camera

[23:41] that some people are

[23:43] trying to reach them,

[23:45] but Soviet troops

[23:47] stop them.

[23:49] One of them is a woman who's a young version

[23:51] of an old woman they interview earlier in the movie

[23:53] who said, even though there were nine people

[23:55] in the mountain climbing group that disappeared,

[23:57] I saw 11 bodies.

[23:59] He's closing the circle.

[24:01] Our two last main characters

[24:03] and a Soviet troop picks up the camera,

[24:05] doesn't know what it is, he's baffled by it

[24:07] because it's future technology.

[24:09] Yeah, but with the found footage thing,

[24:11] that's where I was going like,

[24:13] how did the fucking hackers get their hands on this camera

[24:15] that teleported back into the past?

[24:17] Because at some point the Soviet government...

[24:19] Hackers can do a lot of shit, Dan.

[24:21] They can skateboard,

[24:23] they've got dreadlocks even though they're white guys.

[24:25] Fisher Stevens skateboarded into the past,

[24:27] took it and plugged it in a computer

[24:29] and there was just a bunch of code

[24:31] flying around in a haze.

[24:33] Okay, fair enough.

[24:35] When they hacked the world at the end,

[24:37] it involved this.

[24:39] Exactly, DJ Klaus figured it out.

[24:41] Also the net, let's not forget that.

[24:43] And Tron,

[24:45] everyone was troning about with their Johnny Mnemonics.

[24:49] Neuromancing up and down,

[24:51] dancing on the ceiling, kung fu fighting,

[24:53] walk the dinosaur, all that stuff.

[24:55] You know, war games, weird science,

[24:57] Colossus the Morphin Project,

[24:59] 2001 A Space Odyssey,

[25:01] and so forth.

[25:03] Okay, you've convinced me.

[25:05] Yeah, thank you.

[25:07] Do you want to play a game?

[25:09] No, the only winning move is not to play.

[25:11] Oh, good point.

[25:13] Well, the game was,

[25:15] hit yourself in the head with this, so you're right.

[25:17] What? Lawnmower Man's.

[25:19] Yeah, there you go, Lawnmower Man's.

[25:21] I can play the game too.

[25:23] Dee Snider's Strangeland.

[25:25] Well, that was a little different.

[25:27] That was not really about computers so much.

[25:29] Fear.net.

[25:31] There you go, untraceable.

[25:33] Brainscan.

[25:35] Yeah, there you go.

[25:37] A lot of stuff with computers in it.

[25:39] And we see as their...

[25:41] My favorite Russell Crowe performance, by the way.

[25:43] Russell Crowe?

[25:45] Yeah, Russell Crowe.

[25:47] The WWE wrestler?

[25:49] He's a member of, what, the Legion of Doom?

[25:51] Yeah, he's a Russell Crowe

[25:53] slash The Crowe-themed wrestler.

[25:55] So it's like

[25:57] Russell Crowe with The Crowe's makeup on.

[25:59] And his finishing move

[26:01] is he plays a song from

[26:03] 30-Odd Foot of Grounds.

[26:05] I'm imagining this is like an alternate,

[26:07] when he made Cinderella Man.

[26:09] This was the companion piece.

[26:11] He was like an old-time wrestler.

[26:13] But for some reason he was under his actor's name.

[26:15] Oh, Russell Crowe

[26:17] is going to wrestle his way out of the Great Depression.

[26:19] I wish Cinderella Man had been

[26:21] just the story of Cinderella, but Russell Crowe played Cinderella.

[26:23] Yeah, where it's

[26:25] Cinderella...

[26:27] Man.

[26:29] And Russell Crowe's just on his hands and feet

[26:31] scrubbing his wicked stepsisters' shoes

[26:33] or whatever.

[26:35] He wants them to make a dress.

[26:37] That would be adorable.

[26:39] Anyway, so the Russian troops

[26:41] they've gone into the past, clearly,

[26:43] through this portal.

[26:45] The Russian troops take their bodies

[26:47] and remove their modern, weird-looking clothes.

[26:49] Is it a portal of time?

[26:51] It is a portal of time. Not a porthole of time.

[26:53] It's way too big for that.

[26:55] If anything, what it looks like is more of a sphincter of time.

[26:57] Like they walked into the Earth's anus

[26:59] and they just got spat backwards in time.

[27:01] And their bodies are hung up on a rack.

[27:03] They walked into a time sarlacc.

[27:05] And their bodies, through some weird transformation

[27:07] through the portal, are now

[27:09] half-monstery.

[27:11] Yeah, they're like ghouls.

[27:13] And they start shaking a little, and it's clear that they are now...

[27:15] They have become the monsters that attack them in the future.

[27:17] They have kind of badass haircuts now, too.

[27:19] Yeah, yeah.

[27:21] They look like the girl with the dragon tattoo.

[27:23] And it's sort of vaguely implied

[27:25] that maybe the thing that killed

[27:27] the original people in the past

[27:29] is the shockwave or whatever of them

[27:31] of our heroes yet emerging

[27:33] into the 1950s.

[27:35] I mean, one problem with this movie is...

[27:37] That's not the one problem?

[27:39] The single, solid problem.

[27:41] Is how boring it is?

[27:43] I'm saying that one of the many problems

[27:45] is that it both...

[27:47] Soothes and relaxes.

[27:49] It either

[27:51] spends way too much time

[27:53] explaining something or

[27:55] kind of glosses over something

[27:57] and assumes that you understand it.

[27:59] We are told that this...

[28:01] And also, the movie throws out

[28:03] a lot of possible theories early on.

[28:05] Was it UFOs? Was it Sasquatch Yetis?

[28:07] Was it...

[28:09] Was it local tribesmen?

[28:11] And at the end, it's like...

[28:13] Was it a ghost chupacabra?

[28:15] It's almost like at the end, they were like,

[28:17] Oh, man, why can't we just...

[28:19] Yeah, it's a poor fucking chupacabra that died

[28:21] and is now haunting a fucking village.

[28:23] Yeah, well, he's got to make up for his cowardice

[28:25] in his living life by inspiring someone else to be brave.

[28:27] Chupacabra.

[28:29] Starring Chupacabra Lauten.

[28:33] But it's like the movie throws out

[28:35] all these possible explanations and then it

[28:37] finally hits someone at the end that is

[28:39] way less interesting than any of the others.

[28:41] Stuart, you put it best. I think that you said

[28:43] this movie was like... I think it was you. Maybe it was Dan.

[28:45] I think it was you who said this movie is like

[28:47] The Descent if The Descent was really bad.

[28:49] Well, yeah. I mean, they use all the...

[28:51] At least leading up to the moment

[28:53] where we're introduced to the weird

[28:55] exploratory.

[28:57] They use every cliche of like,

[28:59] Oh, we went to sleep. Oh, we woke up and there's

[29:01] markings in the fucking snow.

[29:03] The snow's all yellow.

[29:05] It's probably full of nutrients. Let's eat it.

[29:07] We heard a weird sound. Let's investigate.

[29:09] There's a tongue for some reason.

[29:11] Yeah, they never really explain why that tongue was there either.

[29:13] The monster ripped it off a dude's head.

[29:15] But then why did he leave it in a weather station?

[29:17] To totally spookify people, dude.

[29:19] Yeah, I don't know why it was in the weather station.

[29:21] They do try and explain...

[29:23] They show the person whose tongue it was removed.

[29:25] They show a soldier.

[29:27] Their explanation was like,

[29:29] Oh, you know, if you're gonna

[29:31] try and keep this secret,

[29:33] wouldn't you send someone ahead first

[29:35] to make sure there's still a secret worth keeping?

[29:37] And I'm just like, okay, I guess.

[29:39] But then like, the people

[29:41] who ripped this guy's tongue out,

[29:43] then were they killed too?

[29:45] Or I guess they were killed

[29:47] by the spookmups? I don't know.

[29:49] It's not very clear.

[29:51] So that guy...

[29:53] They've been trying to fire that guy,

[29:55] but that guy's part of the Union,

[29:57] so they had to send them all...

[30:00] They don't call it self-healing for nothing.

[30:02] So they set them on ahead.

[30:03] Make sure the monsters are still killing dudes.

[30:06] OK, you got it.

[30:08] Reminds me of a talk I saw Evan Dorgan give once

[30:10] where he talked about how in every monster movie,

[30:12] there's the idiot who just runs up to the monster

[30:14] so that the monster can show you what his power is.

[30:19] Instead of keeping a distance and shooting the monster,

[30:21] someone runs, oh, what is it, Halloween,

[30:23] and runs up and gets electrified or something.

[30:25] Yeah, I've got to say, my favorite moment in the movie

[30:27] is when they're exploring the weather station

[30:29] for some reason.

[30:30] She opens the door to the weather station,

[30:32] sees the tongue, shouts, what the,

[30:35] and then basically does a fucking flip take.

[30:38] What the, and then falls over into the snow,

[30:40] and you're like, nobody has ever done that.

[30:42] She is struck dumb by this.

[30:44] The only way it could have been less realistic is if all you

[30:46] saw was her feet flying out of the panel

[30:49] as she reacted to the punch line she just

[30:51] heard from that tongue.

[30:53] Tongue, anyone?

[30:54] What?

[30:57] I think my favorite goofy moment was when the avalanche came

[31:00] and that lady died.

[31:03] She snow surfed into a camera where

[31:05] we see the lens of the camera's shadow.

[31:08] Her face goes and plows into it.

[31:10] Slams into the camera, beat, and then crack appears.

[31:13] Yeah, it looks like the fucking splat from that paintball

[31:17] Nintendo game.

[31:20] Scarify.

[31:21] But to get to, I mean, I like a good walking around

[31:24] to dark tunnels and there's creepy monsters skittering

[31:26] around, and I like stories that involve conspiracy.

[31:29] Time loops.

[31:30] Time loops and conspiracies and hidden military bases

[31:33] with monsters in them and stuff.

[31:35] But I felt like this movie did not

[31:37] set up or earn any of that.

[31:38] It just suddenly was like, are you

[31:40] bored of seeing the characters not

[31:42] having any idea what's going on?

[31:43] Well, here's a whole lot of shit.

[31:44] Let's dump it on you.

[31:44] OK, got to go, run.

[31:46] Like the movie was trying to, the movie

[31:47] realized it had nowhere to go, so it just

[31:49] threw a bunch of mud in your face

[31:50] so it could run away before you could catch it.

[31:52] And it's like a, like a.

[31:55] The whole last 10 minutes of this movie

[31:57] was a smoke bomb, a cinematic smoke bomb.

[32:00] But, I mean, if you can't catch what you don't see.

[32:05] And yet those last 10 minutes were the best 10 minutes.

[32:08] They were, it's not saying a lot.

[32:09] They're like, oh, you didn't think

[32:10] those monsters were realistic?

[32:12] Well, we're not going to show them to you anymore.

[32:14] Well, it's almost like, there's no reason

[32:16] why they couldn't have gotten to that underground tunnel

[32:18] like 30 minutes in the movie, 25 minutes in.

[32:21] After maybe 15 minutes of them wandering around the snow

[32:24] instead of like 40 minutes of it.

[32:26] They could have kept more of the hikers alive

[32:28] to get murdered by.

[32:29] By the monsters.

[32:30] Yeah, they could go in there, they could find the monsters,

[32:31] they could be scared by the monsters,

[32:32] they could go back out, they could be chased back

[32:35] into the tunnels by the Russian army.

[32:37] Yeah, I mean.

[32:38] When they go back out.

[32:39] There's so many common elements that you could have,

[32:41] like, it's just the, like the lamest version of this movie.

[32:46] And they did not earn a time portal at the end.

[32:50] I mean, what do you have to do to earn that element?

[32:52] I mean, to just mention the Philadelphia experiment

[32:54] and be like, when a time portal shows up in a cave,

[32:56] you're like, by the way, this was always here.

[32:59] This is what we meant to always happen.

[33:00] And there are some cave drawings,

[33:02] and they're like, the monsters probably made these.

[33:04] This is their home or something,

[33:06] and they came from their world.

[33:07] Or they're aliens.

[33:08] Like, the characters are still spinning theories

[33:10] that are clearly wrong.

[33:12] And maybe there's a movie in that, like a horror movie

[33:15] where it becomes very clear to the audience

[33:17] what's going on, but the characters cannot seem

[33:19] to figure it out and keep spinning out theories

[33:22] that are clear, that we know are totally not correct.

[33:26] I think it would be a really frustrating movie to watch,

[33:28] but still, you know.

[33:30] All right, well, we should-

[33:32] The same way that once you see an alien on the X-Files,

[33:34] every episode when Dana Scully's like, I don't know,

[33:37] like, come on, just, we've seen them.

[33:41] I think that-

[33:42] They're those gray guys.

[33:42] I think the X-Files plays better

[33:44] if you assume that after a certain point,

[33:46] Scully's just dicking around with the molder.

[33:48] I mean, the X-Files plays better

[33:50] if you stop watching it at a certain point.

[33:52] That's true, and you just click over and watch Millennium.

[33:56] Yeah, the much better Millennium.

[33:58] You watch Harsh Realm instead.

[34:00] You watch Viper, VR5.

[34:04] So we should just-

[34:06] Millennium, just Mopey Lance Hendrickson

[34:08] just walking around doing nothing.

[34:09] Looking for pumpkin heads, that's what he's doing.

[34:12] Is that what that show was about?

[34:13] Yeah, it was about pumpkin heads.

[34:15] Yeah, it was a pumpkin head prequel.

[34:16] So this was, I wish there was more to talk about

[34:18] in this movie, but it's not.

[34:20] This was a real nothing of a movie

[34:21] that Dan could not wait to watch.

[34:23] Well, he was chomping at the bit.

[34:25] It was Rennie Harlin.

[34:26] Rennie Harlin, it's gonna be queasy.

[34:29] But it was not queasy.

[34:32] It may be queasy with all the shaky cam.

[34:35] All right, so-

[34:36] Do you think in, real quick,

[34:38] do you guys think in any way this movie was improved

[34:42] by being a found footage movie?

[34:43] Do you think that if they'd made

[34:45] a non-found footage version of this movie,

[34:47] it could have been better?

[34:48] I think there's almost no found footage movie I've seen

[34:50] that I wouldn't have liked more as a non-found footage movie.

[34:53] Dan?

[34:55] What are we talking about?

[34:56] Whether or not it being a found footage movie

[34:58] had any positive impact, and if it was possible,

[35:01] it could have been improved by being a traditional.

[35:03] Definitely been improved by being a traditional movie.

[35:06] We should skip ahead to final judgments.

[35:08] Let me just say one last thing about found footage movies.

[35:10] You can say it in final judgment.

[35:11] Okay, if here's my final judgment, it was bad, bad.

[35:13] So, the way I was gonna say it in final judgment

[35:16] is that if you were gonna make a found footage movie

[35:19] that looked like it, that was told a story through

[35:21] pieced together found things from different sources,

[35:25] I'd be more interested in that, like kind of-

[35:27] What, like security videos of the monster home?

[35:30] Security videos or news stories or personal home videos,

[35:34] kind of like what F for Fake does for documentaries.

[35:36] If you did something like that for a horror movie,

[35:39] where it's pieced together from different pieces

[35:41] from different sources, that'd be more interesting to me

[35:44] than like, we brought a camcorder with us

[35:46] into a spooky house or a cave or some shit,

[35:48] we're just gonna hold it, and all the time, you know.

[35:51] And eventually it's gonna drop,

[35:52] and you're gonna have like an unmoving shot

[35:54] where monsters are running around in the background,

[35:56] and we'll have night vision at some point.

[35:58] But to have a, if it was like a story that somehow

[36:01] it was like you were watching a documentary-

[36:03] I feel like getting night vision on your camera

[36:05] is just a bad move,

[36:06] because you know there's gonna be monsters at some point.

[36:08] There's either gonna be monsters

[36:09] or someone's gonna see you having sex.

[36:11] And you're gonna have glowy, weird cat eyes.

[36:14] And nobody gets turned down by that.

[36:15] The only time that looks good

[36:16] is at the end of the thriller video.

[36:18] But the, if it was, I would rather see

[36:21] like a spooky, fake documentary.

[36:23] Yeah.

[36:24] That was pieced together from different sources,

[36:26] but is genuinely scary than like-

[36:29] Like the bay?

[36:30] Did you ever see-

[36:31] I never saw the bay, no.

[36:33] But even that used some crappy,

[36:35] like why is this person carrying a camera around?

[36:37] Yeah.

[36:40] So yeah, not a fan of footage like that.

[36:41] Bad, bad movie.

[36:42] We're all bad bad.

[36:44] No, there's no such thing.

[36:45] We're all bad bads.

[36:48] Before we move on to the next bit of the show,

[36:53] the abbreviated-

[36:54] The Oscars Floptacular.

[36:56] The abbreviated Floptacular.

[36:57] Reader's Digest edition.

[36:59] I just want to spotlight one of our sister podcasts

[37:05] over at All Things Comedy.

[37:07] In this case, I would like to spotlight

[37:09] the Dork Forest, Jackie Cation's podcast,

[37:12] where she discusses her favorite obsessions

[37:15] with the obsessed.

[37:18] But-

[37:19] Yeah, that's a great show.

[37:20] Over and above her podcast,

[37:23] All Things Comedy is starting to release stand-up albums.

[37:27] Original albums.

[37:29] And-

[37:29] For digital download for very competitive prices.

[37:32] I think it's like, what, $5?

[37:33] Yeah, well, that's just $5.

[37:35] I wanted to say Jackie Cation has launched

[37:37] her latest stand-up special.

[37:40] This will make an excellent horcrux,

[37:43] which is available for a $5 digital download

[37:46] exclusively through All Things Comedy.

[37:49] You can get it at www.allthingscomedy.com

[37:53] forward slash Jackie Cation.

[37:56] And you can get a limited edition tour shirt

[37:59] with the cover art for that same special

[38:04] at www.jackiecation.com slash horcrux.

[38:10] So check it out.

[38:11] How do you spell that at the end?

[38:13] You spell it in the way that

[38:16] the Harry Potter books spell horcrux.

[38:18] Oh, I didn't know it was a Harry Potter thing.

[38:20] I thought it was like, this is the place

[38:22] the horrors really come together.

[38:24] The horcrux.

[38:25] Yep, that's what it is in Harry Potter, too.

[38:27] I remembered one thing I did like in Devil's Pass.

[38:29] Let's leave on a positive note.

[38:31] Okay, which was-

[38:32] Was when it ended and we got to-

[38:34] And we got to stop watching.

[38:35] When they're in the base, they find a camcorder

[38:38] and they start playing the tape on it

[38:41] and it's stuff that happened to them.

[38:42] And if they fast forward and get to the point on the tape

[38:45] where it is what they're recording right now,

[38:48] and you realize later they found the camcorder

[38:51] that went back in time with them.

[38:54] But there was something very spooky about that

[38:56] in kind of an H.P. Lovecraft unexplainable mystery way

[38:59] of I found a camera here that has a videotape on it

[39:03] that shows what we're doing right now.

[39:05] And I almost wish they had not explained it

[39:07] in a time travel science fiction way

[39:08] and it had just been spooky.

[39:10] But that was a genuinely creepy moment for me.

[39:12] Like, oh, okay, that was interesting.

[39:13] Yeah, it played up the whole unexplained phenomena angle

[39:17] that I think Rennie Harlan was obsessed with.

[39:19] Yeah.

[39:20] Yeah, I agree.

[39:22] He was obsessed with explaining.

[39:24] Overall, though, I think a documentary

[39:27] about the original incident would be way more interesting.

[39:31] And creepier.

[39:32] Yeah, creepier, yeah.

[39:33] Or like a normal movie, but about the original incident.

[39:37] Dramatized movie.

[39:38] But like, Rennie Harlan, if you're-

[39:39] Being killed by, I'm guessing,

[39:40] an irradiated wrestler who kills everybody.

[39:43] But it must be a, it's like a radioactive Yeti orangutan,

[39:46] you know, professional wrestler guy.

[39:47] Yeah, it's real, oh, murder's in the Rue Morgue.

[39:50] Yeah, murder's in the Rue Mountain.

[39:53] Thanks for putting that in language I couldn't understand.

[39:57] But I do wish Rennie Harlan

[39:57] had just made a straight documentary about the...

[40:00] The original thing.

[40:00] But anyway, we're done with that.

[40:02] Bad, bad movie.

[40:02] Moving on to da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

[40:09] live from Hollywood Dan's apartment.

[40:11] It's the Flophouse, abridged, abbreviated, very short,

[40:15] flop-tacular segment.

[40:17] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

[40:18] Oh, Dan.

[40:19] You look good.

[40:19] What are you wearing?

[40:20] Is that from the Stephen King collection?

[40:22] I'm wearing a gray fleece over what I would call this sort of a pullover.

[40:28] And over here, that's Stuart Wellington in a Tuxedo.

[40:30] Who's your Tuxedo by?

[40:32] It's from Dan McCoy Swimwear.

[40:35] You can find it on the Flophouse podcast website.

[40:38] I don't think you can.

[40:39] And here's me wearing nothing special, jeans, shirt, and, you know,

[40:42] another blue.

[40:42] Sort of a Western shirt.

[40:43] Yeah, it was plaid.

[40:44] But no socks or shoes.

[40:45] It's a real beach outfit.

[40:46] Nope, because my hobbit feet need to breathe, even on a red carpet.

[40:50] So guys, what are we talking about?

[40:51] Which awards show?

[40:52] The AK Place Awards, the NAACP Image Awards.

[40:56] The Mary K. Place Awards?

[40:57] Yeah, the American Girl Place Awards for the best American girl.

[41:02] The award goes to Dan.

[41:04] Wait a minute.

[41:05] The Academy Awards, the Oscars.

[41:08] The Police Academy Awards.

[41:10] Best sound effects goes to that guy, the sound effects guy.

[41:14] Not Tackleberry.

[41:15] No.

[41:17] The only sound effect he does is the cocking of the hammer of a pistol.

[41:20] Most craziest goes to Zedd.

[41:23] Yeah, I mean.

[41:25] Why can I not remember the sound effects guy's real name?

[41:26] Motorboat Jones?

[41:27] No.

[41:28] Michael Winslow?

[41:28] Michael Winslow, thank you.

[41:30] So.

[41:32] Brother to fictional character Carl Winslow.

[41:34] Anyway, you're saying Dan?

[41:35] I watched the Oscars.

[41:38] Also a Police Oscar.

[41:38] All the way through.

[41:40] I also watched the Oscars all the way through.

[41:42] And I have a strange lack of enthusiasm for them.

[41:45] I thought this was, it started out strong.

[41:48] I thought it was a fine Oscars for a long time.

[41:50] And then Ellen DeGeneres apparently made the decision

[41:53] that she didn't need to write any material for the last 2

[41:55] thirds of the show.

[41:57] She could just wander the aisles offering people pizza

[42:00] three times in a row.

[42:01] Riff and banter.

[42:02] I didn't have any major problems with the award winners.

[42:05] You know?

[42:06] It was kind of like, oh, OK.

[42:07] It was a good year for movies.

[42:09] Nobody really shitty got, you know, won any awards

[42:11] that I could think of.

[42:12] I mean, I had my problems that I always

[42:14] did with like the shitty bits.

[42:16] Like, if she was just going to wander the aisles like that.

[42:22] I mean, we've reached a point in Oscars history where.

[42:26] I was thinking about the times when I go to the bathroom

[42:29] and I just leave a bunch of shitty bits in the toilet.

[42:31] It's all right.

[42:33] Terrible series, by the way.

[42:37] We've reached a point in Oscar history where.

[42:38] Not kid tested.

[42:39] Neither is a mother approved.

[42:42] And that's not a toy.

[42:43] Not FDA approved either.

[42:44] And that's not a toy in the bottom of the box.

[42:47] It's a part of your balanced breakfast

[42:50] if you want to get hepatitis C.

[42:52] Even the milk turns chocolate.

[42:55] Just part of this unbalanced breakfast.

[42:57] But what the hell is it going to be?

[42:59] We've reached a point in Oscar history where, like, you

[43:02] have these honorary Oscars that went out

[43:04] to people like Steve Martin and Angela Lansbury.

[43:07] I would have loved to have seen more about that.

[43:09] But they don't want to show that.

[43:11] But instead of that, they shut it off to a different ceremony.

[43:13] Because today's viewers don't want to watch that.

[43:15] Pizza bullshit.

[43:16] Well, they want to see celebrities hanging out.

[43:19] Taking selfies.

[43:21] You could include those honorary awards

[43:24] if you cut out the unnecessary tribute montages.

[43:27] And I'm talking about not the in memoriam, my favorite part,

[43:30] where we celebrate Hollywood's dearest Martin.

[43:32] We doubled it up this year for some reason.

[43:34] We had the full in memoriam, which was tasteful.

[43:37] I mean, I would have liked to have seen a little more actual

[43:40] footage from the movies.

[43:41] But it was well produced.

[43:42] And it was weird that they chose one credit for each person.

[43:44] So it was like, all right, I guess

[43:45] that was the only movie that Harold Ramis made.

[43:48] But then after that, they're like,

[43:50] and now, Bette Midler to sing Wind Beneath My Wings.

[43:56] And only because the theme of the night was heroes.

[43:59] And that song has a line.

[44:00] NBC's Heroes?

[44:01] No.

[44:01] It's coming back for a miniseries.

[44:04] Great.

[44:04] I don't care.

[44:06] I didn't like it the first time.

[44:07] So they picked a song that said, did you ever

[44:10] know you're my hero, because the theme was heroes.

[44:12] But they shoehorned that theme into so much weird stuff.

[44:16] And I read something that was saying how the Oscar winners

[44:20] must have been pretty predictable.

[44:22] Because to have had a year where the theme was heroes,

[44:25] and Matthew McConaughey wins for Dallas Buyers Club makes sense.

[44:28] But if Leonardo DiCaprio had won for Wolf of Wall Street,

[44:31] it's like, heroes.

[44:32] Like this jackass who made millions

[44:35] and did this terrible stuff.

[44:37] But then wait, where was it that said that this was the theme?

[44:41] At the very beginning, they said heroes.

[44:43] Then they had a tribute to animated heroes,

[44:46] a tribute to superheroes, and a tribute to real life heroes,

[44:49] which I think you pointed out to me included Atticus Finch

[44:52] from To Kill a Mockingbird, because somebody at the Academy

[44:54] thinks that was a real person who existed somewhere,

[44:58] and not a novel character.

[45:00] Was that why Matthew McConaughey was talking

[45:02] about how he was his own hero?

[45:04] Yes, exactly.

[45:05] And now the weird thing about these tributes,

[45:10] and I say this as someone who has made an Oscar montage.

[45:14] So I'm just saying, I know a lot of hard work and time

[45:18] goes into it.

[45:18] They're not easy to do.

[45:20] You cut them over and over again to try to get them right.

[45:23] And it takes a long time.

[45:25] These were the laziest, I think, Oscar montages I'd ever seen.

[45:29] It was rare that you saw a movie from before like 1997 in them.

[45:32] There were a few, but if you were not

[45:35] the most famous movie ever, like Casablanca

[45:38] or To Kill a Mockingbird, you were not making it into this.

[45:42] But if you were Superman Returns, you were all over it.

[45:46] If you were Man of Steel, you were all over it.

[45:48] If you were Shrek, you were all over it.

[45:50] Each montage, they would take one recent movie,

[45:53] make that the backbone of it, and then

[45:55] scatter a bunch of other recent movies

[45:57] in one or two old movies.

[45:58] And the last montage I remember was particularly baffling,

[46:01] because it was all basically superhero or action things.

[46:05] And then all of a sudden, at the end, it was like, oh,

[46:07] and also Footloose.

[46:09] Everyone remembers.

[46:10] Because he's a movie hero.

[46:11] He's a movie hero.

[46:12] If anything, he's a more effective hero than Man of Steel.

[46:16] He does bring dance back to that time.

[46:18] And Footloose is better than Man of Steel, which is terrible.

[46:21] But it was like they had Jim Carrey come out,

[46:24] ad-lib a little bit about Brewster.

[46:26] Then he introduced the tribute to animated heroes.

[46:29] And then it was like, OK, so I guess we're

[46:31] doing the animated categories now.

[46:33] Nope, we're not.

[46:34] Somebody else came out to introduce,

[46:35] I think it was the Costume and Production Design Awards.

[46:38] And it was like, wait a minute.

[46:39] Great Gatsby's awesome.

[46:41] But why did we waste time with that tribute?

[46:42] Just give it to The Hobbit, though, instead.

[46:44] The Hobbit won zero awards.

[46:47] Robbed.

[46:48] Yeah, we robbed.

[46:49] Check its pockets.

[46:51] It's been robbed.

[46:53] Now, Stewart, you were in Puerto Rico.

[46:55] Puerto Rico, yeah.

[46:56] Puerto Rico.

[46:57] Like the trans-Puerto.

[46:58] How's that?

[47:00] Well, I was drinking a lot of beer

[47:02] and not watching the Oscars.

[47:04] That's pretty fun.

[47:05] I mean, like I said, every year, I

[47:07] have the same experience with the Oscars.

[47:08] Although I check the results the next day.

[47:11] And I disagree with specifically one of them.

[47:13] With that there was no Hobbits?

[47:15] Well, yeah, that too.

[47:16] No, I just don't feel Jared Leto should

[47:19] have won for Dallas Paralyzed.

[47:20] I thought he did a good job.

[47:21] But I've seen that performance before from other people.

[47:24] Yeah, and I'll accept that Matthew McConaughey won

[47:29] instead of Tom Hanks, who should have won for Best Actor.

[47:32] Because he's amazing.

[47:33] But he still should have won.

[47:35] But I wrote in a couple of votes on the back

[47:40] of fucking cocktail napkins.

[47:42] And just threw them into the ocean in the hopes

[47:44] that they would reach Hollywood.

[47:45] I don't know how the ocean currents work, but I assume.

[47:48] God bless you, little napkin.

[47:49] Godspeed.

[47:49] I just closed my eyes and fucking

[47:51] believed they'd get there.

[47:52] Just like in the movie was.

[47:53] I assume this water goes into Jack Valente's grave.

[47:55] His ghost will make it happen.

[47:59] This water goes into his grave.

[48:01] It's a poorly dug grave.

[48:04] You're laughing at the moist grave of Jack Valente.

[48:08] You're a ghoul.

[48:10] You should be in a mountain cave in Russia, you ghoul.

[48:16] What was I complaining about?

[48:17] Oh, yeah, Jared Leto.

[48:18] I don't know.

[48:19] It just didn't feel like it.

[48:20] Who did you want to win that award?

[48:22] That was actually what I was going to ask you guys.

[48:24] Who else was nominated for Best Supporting Actor?

[48:26] Best Supporting Actor, Jonah Hill.

[48:27] OK, keep going.

[48:28] It was that guy from Captain Phillips.

[48:30] The guy from, oh yeah, I wanted him to win.

[48:32] The head of the pirates in Captain Phillips.

[48:34] Yep.

[48:36] Oh boy.

[48:37] Because Jared Leto wasn't even on screen that much.

[48:39] Jared Leto was on screen a lot.

[48:40] He was just the second one in the movie.

[48:43] There was a...

[48:45] I think it was Wall-E nominated this year for Best Supporting

[48:49] Actor.

[48:51] I guess I'm just being a complainer.

[48:52] I didn't feel that, first off, I don't

[48:54] think that movie should have, because Dallas Buyers Club

[48:57] is a very straightforward, lifetime movie.

[49:00] Dallas Buyers Club is a crowd pleaser,

[49:02] like kind of classically structured.

[49:04] Well, he shouldn't have won.

[49:05] He shouldn't have been nominated either.

[49:07] I have to admit, I feel bad saying this,

[49:09] I was really happy American Hustle won zero awards.

[49:11] Even though I think it probably should have won costume design

[49:14] or hair.

[49:15] But that was a movie that I thought was enjoyable,

[49:17] but so totally overrated.

[49:19] It was a mess, I thought.

[49:20] It was a mess of a movie, and so many of the scenes

[49:22] were just the characters yelling at each other in circles.

[49:25] And you were like, wow, he really let the actors just

[49:28] kind of... there's a reason that actors need a director to rein

[49:30] them in sometimes, and a screenwriter to give them

[49:32] things to say.

[49:33] Because often you get scenes where it's just characters

[49:35] yelling at each other.

[49:36] And it was just a weird movie.

[49:39] Like for a movie about an intricate sting operation,

[49:42] they kind of lost interest in that pretty quick.

[49:44] I don't know why he was bringing his wife, Jennifer Lawrence,

[49:47] to all of these things.

[49:48] It didn't make any sense at all.

[49:50] Well, I think that David O. Russell expressly

[49:52] didn't really care about the sting stuff.

[49:54] Like he's like, oh, app scams, kind of interesting,

[49:58] but I just want to make it...

[50:00] character study like a kind of a screwball character study like the

[50:04] characters didn't have any dimension to them no i agree i you know it was a very

[50:08] entertaining movie to watch that had no like it had no substance it was like a

[50:14] like a dandelion puff like blowing away on the wind that's beautiful dan yeah

[50:18] that's gorgeous thanks and you want to run down the uh the dirt road to catch

[50:21] it but you just can't yeah well now you're making it sound too good

[50:25] well you also feel bad because uh by blowing the dandelion puff

[50:29] you've helped it to spread its seed around the world and you're like did i

[50:32] get tricked into having sex with a dandelion is that what happened

[50:36] you're always getting tricked into the dandelion yeah seductive bastards so you

[50:40] gotta learn but overall like i i kept forgetting like what the best picture

[50:44] nominees were before the oscars like they were the announcement and they're

[50:47] like philomena and i'm like oh yeah right that was a movie but otherwise i

[50:51] mean a lot of otherwise i agreed with a lot of the winners you know

[50:54] i'm not even agreed but like didn't have a problem with them you know

[50:57] i still haven't seen 12 years of slaves i can't say whether i

[51:00] but i thought about that but like i was happy gravity won for directing and

[51:04] cinematography i was happy that uh uh that original song from her did not win

[51:10] you know um oh the i i like that song i like that okay just because i i like

[51:17] karen oh but uh it's a little bit of it's a it's a slight song it's a it's

[51:21] like they're shoving the whimsy down your throat yeah with a i'm assuming

[51:25] next year's oscars it's going to be everything is awesome from the uh from

[51:29] the lego movie soundtrack i still have not seen that i haven't either but i

[51:32] want to i mean my my kid is really keeping me

[51:35] from seeing the kids movies i want to see that frozen

[51:38] lame just leave that kid with the babysitter bro

[51:41] i will i think i'll probably do that for grand budapest hotel i've now seen i

[51:45] really want to see that two uh i've now seen two performances of

[51:48] let it go i've seen the oscar performance and that like lousy fallon

[51:52] performance i don't know and i have not uh been

[51:54] impressed with uh menzel yet um and i have to so dan you're gonna

[51:59] want to go on you're going on the internet

[52:01] slagging adina menzel no i that is an unsafe mood you are taking your life in

[52:05] your hand no i have to assume that she's amazing in the actual movie but

[52:10] both of the performances that i saw of her uh like i think that i think at the

[52:16] oscars you know she was being overpowered by the uh by john

[52:19] travolta's mispronouncing his name yeah by that and the orchestra and i

[52:24] think that her doing like the fallon thing with like

[52:27] the toy instruments is like doing her no favor i have no idea what that is

[52:30] it's like a thing that fallon does he gets he gets people to get he gets

[52:34] songs and does toy instruments with the roots

[52:37] like it started out with i think call me maybe with carly ray jepson

[52:41] it's a thing you know all about stuff is about getting on the internet like

[52:44] playing a teddy ruxpin or something yeah exactly they're playing a teddy

[52:48] ruxpin teddy ruxpin is the adult version

[52:54] no kids allowed for teddy ruxpin um you put it you put

[52:57] filthy yeah you gotta put the play the tape backwards

[53:01] and it tells you to worship saints all right i'm sure let it go is a great

[53:06] song in the in the actual context of the thing

[53:09] but i was but uh but it happens to me every year

[53:12] that i'm watching the oscars i'm like you know what

[53:14] i'm not going to tweet about it i'm just going to enjoy it on a sincere level and

[53:17] not have to come up with you know like psyche quips and then i

[53:21] get bored i get bored and i start tweeting about it

[53:24] yeah but it's it happens every time so you're saying the oscars needs to not

[53:29] bore you i think it should be one about the movies

[53:32] two shorter three less of it less bad less bad we're

[53:38] trying to four better they do the thing where instead of

[53:40] being what they are which is an award show for movies

[53:43] and being that to the best they kind of chase what they think people are going

[53:47] to want to watch and which is like celebrities

[53:50] hanging out exactly celebrities hanging out just like us

[53:53] and it's like yeah if you're not going to give the ramen noodles and put their

[53:57] pants on two legs at a time wait how do you do that you're like the

[54:02] wrong trousers yeah no you lie in your bed and you stick

[54:04] your legs up in the air and you know what the magic legs

[54:07] jump up yeah i have button eyes and things like that

[54:11] you rub your legs with chicken fat keep talking

[54:16] you rub your legs with chow yun fat you get a good grip on the

[54:20] sides of your pants and you yank them on there how do you get them over your butt

[54:24] well you tuck your butt in for it doesn't make any sense

[54:28] dan's right chicken fat's for your thighs though you just suck your butt in

[54:32] you can't suck your butt yeah you squeeze it

[54:37] so you're like a concave butt and for a moment

[54:43] well when your foot pops out it goes boing

[54:47] okay i'm with you on the boing sounds i just i don't know how you get to that

[54:51] point it's pretty simple you suck it in you

[54:55] yank them on you button that shit boing

[54:59] that's the boing comes post buttoning yeah because if you boing before you're

[55:02] not getting that button on it'll just pop right off exactly fly

[55:06] through the air hit a mouse in the face uses as a monocle

[55:10] you say it knocks the the stuffy butler's monocle out of his eye

[55:16] so i never and then maybe like a hip-hop lyric or something

[55:22] somebody's got baps on the brain so i had another thing to say oh so if

[55:28] if if the academy awards is not the place to give angela lansbury a lifetime

[55:33] achievement award and just on a side note i can only think

[55:36] of like four movies that she was in that bring her up to lifetime achievement

[55:39] level i'm not sure why they gave it to her

[55:41] murder she wrote does that count it's like a movie but it's short and it's on

[55:45] tv aside from the mentoring candidate beauty and the beast gaslight and

[55:48] picture of dorian gray i can't think of another classic movie she was in i'm

[55:51] sure there are more but i just can't think of them but they

[55:54] didn't show you they showed you almost none of them but like

[55:57] if the academy awards is not the place to give her a lifetime achievement then

[56:00] like why are you doing it you know is the

[56:03] reason to do it for ratings the awards predates television you know

[56:06] like come on let's just do it up to do it and the

[56:09] uh the in memoriam like it was it was pretty up to date this

[56:13] year yeah like up to like harold ramerson put harold

[56:16] ramerson philip seymour hoffman well put in that surely died on that uh

[56:20] horrible bridge accident i mean like barely they like sort of like

[56:25] shoved her in as a footnote at the end i'm not familiar with that one

[56:27] um there was a train accident where like a

[56:31] some sort of production assistant that's terrible yeah

[56:33] yeah uh i'm just bringing the podcast down

[56:37] so here's what i would tell the job here's what i'd tell the oscars

[56:41] you guys bring it along and i bring it back down i'd say for the oscars your

[56:45] time is a sandbag your time as a television

[56:49] program is over unless maybe you don't do it live you have

[56:53] like an hour and a half two hours cut down version

[56:55] and then you release the whole thing on the internet

[56:58] for free no either charge people or you have sponsors the same way you make

[57:03] money for anything and then you can do you can include

[57:07] angel lansbury as part of the cast and then you can cut it down however

[57:11] you like for the television primetime whatever but then i

[57:14] can see the full speech that steve martin gives

[57:17] because i'm way more interested in that than the speech that

[57:20] baz lorman's wife gives twice in one night for her great gatsby awards

[57:25] um so i mean i think that's pretty much all we have to say about the oscars

[57:31] especially considering that only two-thirds of us

[57:34] saw them but in a more general sense um this is kind of we all watching the

[57:39] oscars this is kind of our chance isn't there a

[57:42] little bit of oscar in all of us well there's a little bit of godzilla

[57:45] in all of us i ate a little bit of oscar so yes

[57:48] but um this is i don't understand what what that means

[57:53] why is dan locking the door and why is he

[57:56] looking at us and seeing two big chicken legs

[57:59] you know this is kind of our chance to uh put a bit of a bow

[58:02] on uh 2013 so if uh there's any kind of year in review things that you want to

[58:09] well thanks for not giving me time to prepare steward i think you had your top

[58:12] five movies yeah i know that story had

[58:15] something so i wanted to castle freak i mean castle freak number

[58:19] three like i did glance uh i did jot down like five movies that i

[58:23] felt kind of looked over there were a little overlooked

[58:25] or were just genre movies that i liked a lot okay um

[58:29] pacific rim pacific wow you guess it i know you

[58:33] uh place beyond the pines actually i don't know if you guys saw it but i did

[58:36] uh yeah i really liked it despite the fact that i felt like it was a little

[58:40] it had it had some like i don't know if i'd say saccharine

[58:43] or like cliched elements yeah or overwrought

[58:46] elements it's a little it's over it's very melodramatic and

[58:49] slow but there's a lot of stuff i liked about it still

[58:53] for some reason it worked any movie where a guy rides a motorcycle and cut

[58:56] side of a globe cage you're okay with uh a globe of death yeah uh world's end

[59:02] was fantastic of course um uh and then i would say if you haven't

[59:07] gone if you haven't seen ninja 2 or ninja shadow of a tear you should

[59:12] watch that that's a that's a release this year and uh

[59:14] you're next was probably my favorite like like straightforward horror movie

[59:19] of uh of the year i don't know if you guys have seen that yet but you should

[59:22] check it out no and i didn't want to point out that there's a couple there's

[59:24] i didn't see a lot of movies there was a lot of movies that i haven't seen i'd

[59:27] still love to see upstream color the evil dead remake and uh the wind

[59:32] rises and my biggest disappointment of the year

[59:34] was probably elysium i don't know if you guys saw that i also

[59:38] didn't see that but i heard it was disappointing

[59:40] from you and others i'll just uh toss out that

[59:44] um you know i i didn't see a there are a lot of movies obviously that i did not

[59:49] see and i feel like most of them with every

[59:51] year that passes i see fewer movies that are released in

[59:56] uh a certain year but um you've been watching a lot more

[1:00:00] released in 30-minute chunks on porn websites.

[1:00:11] Of the films that I did see that were released this year, I think that my three favorites

[1:00:15] were probably Inside Llewyn Davis, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Blue is the Warmest Color.

[1:00:24] What scene did you like the best in Blue is the Warmest Color?

[1:00:27] It's a three-hour movie. It's not all that, but of the movies that were...

[1:00:32] All that was a TV show.

[1:00:34] She's all that is a movie.

[1:00:37] Quid pro quo, you're a pervert.

[1:00:40] I don't think that's what that means.

[1:00:42] Of the movies that Stu already said something about, I also very much enjoyed The World's

[1:00:47] End and Upstream Color, and here's a movie that I'll toss in as a left field...

[1:00:53] Just toss it right off, bro.

[1:00:54] It's a left field thing that did not get a lot of attention.

[1:00:59] I saw Brian De Palma's Passion, which was barely released.

[1:01:06] I read some negative reviews of it.

[1:01:08] I very much enjoyed it. I thought it was in the vein of a femme fatale.

[1:01:16] A very glossy, campy, arch...

[1:01:21] Scampy.

[1:01:23] I mean, it is super De Palma-y, and some people don't like that, but

[1:01:28] just as a pure, glossy surfaces, cinematic bit of enjoyment,

[1:01:36] it is a very smart piece of trash filmmaking.

[1:01:41] True story, the first time I saw Femme Fatale, I...

[1:01:44] I haven't read the...

[1:01:48] I rented the Pan and Scan version, and had to take it...

[1:01:53] Like, I stopped it and took it back to Blockbuster and got the widescreen version,

[1:01:58] because Pan and Scan in that movie was worthless.

[1:02:02] Elliot, I know that we did spring this on you,

[1:02:04] but if you have any thoughts that you want to do, toss in.

[1:02:08] Not...

[1:02:10] Movies!

[1:02:10] Movies, hey, everybody loves them.

[1:02:12] From the very beginning, with the workers leaving a factory,

[1:02:15] the Lumiere brothers made it.

[1:02:18] I mean, I liked The World's End a lot,

[1:02:21] I liked some of the other ones you guys named,

[1:02:22] Inside Lewis Davis, I liked a lot.

[1:02:24] I really liked Gravity a lot, which is lame to say, because it was a big hit.

[1:02:27] No, it's a lot of fun.

[1:02:29] It was one of the few times...

[1:02:30] I've said negative things about it, but I really enjoyed it.

[1:02:31] It's one of the few times lately that I've seen a movie in the theater and been like,

[1:02:35] one, I'm glad I saw the theater, and two,

[1:02:37] this is an experience I'm going to get at a movie

[1:02:39] that I'm not going to get at any other medium.

[1:02:43] Flying back from Puerto Rico, I watched the last 10 minutes of Gravity

[1:02:47] over somebody's shoulder.

[1:02:48] They were watching it on their laptop, and I still couldn't stop watching it.

[1:02:51] Yeah, it was a really good movie.

[1:02:54] I'm sure there are other ones that I saw that I liked

[1:02:56] that are just not coming to mind at the moment.

[1:02:59] But I also really liked Only God Forgives, which is not...

[1:03:05] It's one of those things where if you're the right audience for it,

[1:03:08] you're really going to like it.

[1:03:08] If you're not, you're going to hate it.

[1:03:10] But for all its kind of slow, overwrought sleaziness,

[1:03:15] it was exactly the movie I wanted to see when I watched it.

[1:03:19] I was, I think, and my disappointments for the year

[1:03:21] were actually Upstream Color a little bit,

[1:03:23] which I really liked when it was about people trying to build a relationship,

[1:03:27] and I didn't like it as much when it got into the more science fiction-y stuff,

[1:03:31] which I was disappointed about because I really liked Primer.

[1:03:33] And I guess if you're going to go super popcorny, whatever,

[1:03:38] Iron Man 3, big disappointment for me.

[1:03:42] You want a real magic Mandarin with magical rings.

[1:03:46] Yeah, that was part of it.

[1:03:49] The surprise twist about the Mandarin is one of those where it's entertaining for a second,

[1:03:54] and then all you're left with is a fucking other villain

[1:03:56] who's just another industrialist billionaire.

[1:03:58] Great.

[1:03:59] When I could have had a Chinese warlord with 10 magic alien rings

[1:04:02] that have different powers that are very vaguely defined,

[1:04:05] like cold and black vortex.

[1:04:07] You do make a good point.

[1:04:08] You're like, oh, this is a clever idea,

[1:04:10] but I was hoping to actually get this cool.

[1:04:12] Yeah, I was like, oh, that's an interesting take for a second,

[1:04:15] but yeah, I'd rather see like a big comic book movie

[1:04:18] that doesn't end with, that doesn't end in basically like,

[1:04:22] by turning into The Last Boy Scout with some armor.

[1:04:24] Well, I think there's something to be said about the,

[1:04:27] about an Iron Man suit-filled Last Boy Scout ending.

[1:04:30] And also, that was just, that was a movie that you could tell

[1:04:33] so much money went into it and so little thought,

[1:04:36] where by the end of it, it was like,

[1:04:38] sometimes this guy hits hard enough that things explode

[1:04:41] and sometimes he just punches people.

[1:04:42] Also, Pepper Potts is dead for like a second,

[1:04:45] but Tony doesn't really care

[1:04:46] because he knows she's coming back,

[1:04:47] even though the audience isn't supposed to know it.

[1:04:49] And this thing is really impossible to cure,

[1:04:51] but we cured it just now so Pepper could live.

[1:04:54] Oh, he can breathe fire now for some reason.

[1:04:56] Also, the villains of the movie are wounded war veterans.

[1:04:58] All right.

[1:04:59] There was so much I didn't like about it.

[1:05:01] But it, but it started with that I'm blue song,

[1:05:06] which was pretty great.

[1:05:08] You're right.

[1:05:10] Started with that terrible I'm blue song.

[1:05:14] I like the balls of that.

[1:05:16] So that, that was the best movie.

[1:05:17] It's almost like the movie was going, it was being,

[1:05:19] was warning me, you're not going to like this.

[1:05:24] I enjoyed that movie a lot more than you do,

[1:05:26] while acknowledging that all of your objections are valid.

[1:05:30] Thank you.

[1:05:30] Yeah. It's like Prometheus.

[1:05:32] Like I understand every single argument.

[1:05:35] And I liked Captain Phillips a lot too.

[1:05:37] I'll say that.

[1:05:38] I'm not usually a big fan of the shaky cam,

[1:05:41] lots of cuddy style,

[1:05:43] lots of cuddy style,

[1:05:44] but I thought it worked really,

[1:05:45] I found it to be a very tense movie,

[1:05:47] which I liked a lot.

[1:05:49] Um, yeah.

[1:05:50] So I think this was a good experiment guys.

[1:05:52] In a, uh,

[1:05:53] wait, do you mean,

[1:05:54] we know what you mean by experiment,

[1:05:57] and it's going to get weird in a second.

[1:05:59] No, I think the,

[1:06:00] what do you got in that beaker?

[1:06:02] Abbreviated Floptacular was a nice.

[1:06:06] Next year we can even do no Floptacular.

[1:06:10] You can try it with our clothes on.

[1:06:13] You know, it's nice to acknowledge the passage of time

[1:06:15] as we all grow older and closer to death.

[1:06:17] How did that, how did this do that?

[1:06:20] It's a year in review, I don't know.

[1:06:22] But it wasn't really.

[1:06:25] I just suddenly had to think of a couple of movies

[1:06:26] off the top of my head that I saw.

[1:06:30] It's the best way to do it.

[1:06:32] Not really, no.

[1:06:33] Um, so for the Flop House,

[1:06:36] I guess I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:06:38] You guessed?

[1:06:39] Yeah.

[1:06:41] Uh, well that was definitely Dan McCoy,

[1:06:43] and I am probably Stuart Wellington.

[1:06:45] And I know for a fact I'm Elliot Kaelin,

[1:06:47] because I'm looking at my driver's license.

[1:06:48] Or is he?

[1:06:50] Bum, bum, bum.

[1:06:51] He isn't listening to his driver's license.

[1:06:59] I'm sorry, I apologize to you all

[1:07:09] that we're sitting further away from each other.

[1:07:11] Yeah, how am I supposed to touch you inappropriately?

[1:07:14] What's going on?

[1:07:14] What's crack-a-lacking?

[1:07:15] What's with the new table, Dan?

[1:07:17] Well, it's the same old table, though.

[1:07:18] The way we're doing it these days.

[1:07:20] Just doing it weird style.

[1:07:23] You did it so that we can't give each other high fives.

[1:07:26] I can't reach!

[1:07:27] I can't reach!

[1:07:28] Ah, you're so far away!

[1:07:29] Just fingertip touches.

[1:07:31] Sometimes you want a strange touch.

[1:07:34] That was pretty mean.

[1:07:35] I didn't like that.

[1:07:37] Dan McCoy and Sargon, strange touch.

[1:07:40] With your glasses and fleece on and a beer in your hand,

[1:07:42] you were basically a Stephen King protagonist

[1:07:44] just now when you said that.

The Flop House: Episode #147 - Devil's Pass AND Awards Floptacular

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