The Flop House: Episode #149 - Paranoia

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss paranoia.

[0:03] For no reason.

[0:05] What are you trying to say?

[0:07] Why are you looking at me like that?

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:36] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:38] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:40] Chicken sound.

[0:42] I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[0:43] You gotta learn how to brand yourself like this guy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] Well, I branded myself, and it hurt.

[0:48] Not sexy.

[0:50] Not at all.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] Not like when cows get those sexy brands on them?

[0:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[0:56] Come over here.

[0:57] Let me massage you like you're Kobe beef.

[1:00] With a brand above its butt, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02] Let me get some Aquaphor and smear it on that brand so it heals better.

[1:07] So Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:08] You wouldn't know it from that intro.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] That was one of the shorter off-topic intros recently.

[1:13] But Dan, what do we do here at the Flophouse?

Dan McCoy

[1:15] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[1:20] And tonight, we watched a movie called Paranoia.

[1:24] That's what it was called.

[1:26] We just watched it.

[1:28] Yeah, but it doesn't.

[1:29] Let's define our terms.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31] This is only a movie in the most basic of terms.

[1:35] It was shot.

[1:36] It meets the minimum standard of having been shot with actors on some sort of film-like substance.

[1:42] And released to theaters.

[1:43] It was in a movie theater, right?

[1:44] It was in a movie theater, which boggles my mind.

[1:46] It was in a movie theater.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] America was on fire with talk of...

[1:52] What was the movie's name again?

[1:53] Paranoia.

Dan McCoy

[1:54] I know it's easy to misplace that name in your brain because...

[2:00] It's so generic.

[2:01] Well, but also, I feel like with a title like that, you expect it to be like...

[2:05] About paranoia?

[2:06] Yeah, like it's, I don't know, Roman Polanski, like the Tenant repulsion style, like...

[2:13] Yeah.

[2:14] Or like...

[2:14] Yeah, like a...

[2:15] Breakdown of someone.

Stuart Wellington

[2:15] Like a giallo movie with close-ups on the eyes constantly.

Elliott Kalan

[2:19] Or like a shock corridor type, like 60s kind of, you know, cheapy thriller, you know, B-movie type thing.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] And it was none of those things.

[2:28] It was a generic...

[2:30] It could have just been called movie and been just as appropriate.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] It should have been called, let's not make this.

[2:35] And it would have been better.

[2:37] Sure.

[2:37] If they had called this movie off, that would have been the best thing.

Stuart Wellington

[2:41] Yep.

[2:42] If it was paranoia, subtitle, do not make, test script.

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] But no, Liam Hemsworth needed his star-making vehicle.

[2:52] And unfortunately, this was not it.

[2:54] They're going to make him a star.

[2:55] They're going to have to shoot him into space and blow him up.

[2:58] So that his light can warm a tiny planetoid.

[3:01] The light from his brawny shoulders.

[3:04] Yeah.

[3:04] His shoulders made of paper towel.

[3:06] Brawny oiled shoulders.

Dan McCoy

[3:09] So, why don't you...

[3:11] Dan drank a bunch of Robitussin before recording this episode.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] Before recording this, Dan hit himself in the head a bunch of times, drank a bottle of Robitussin.

[3:18] I apologize.

[3:19] No.

[3:19] And then literally counted a thousand sheep.

Dan McCoy

[3:22] I'm distracted by the mixer on this thing.

[3:24] That's the problem with...

[3:25] Blinking lights, knobs.

[3:26] The producer and a co-host.

[3:27] Yeah.

[3:27] That's why we need a producer.

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:31] Maybe we could get...

[3:33] What's his face?

[3:34] You're on fire.

[3:35] Stop it.

[3:36] The kid stays in the picture.

[3:37] We could get Robert Evans to be our producer.

Elliott Kalan

[3:41] Dan, do you want to lie down a little bit?

[3:43] Stuart Knight handle this?

Stuart Wellington

[3:44] No, no, no.

[3:44] If he lies down, he won't ever wake up.

Elliott Kalan

[3:46] No, that's true.

[3:47] We've got to keep him awake.

[3:48] Walk him around the room.

[3:49] Eat him black coffee.

Stuart Wellington

[3:50] Put a bunch of peas under his mattress.

Elliott Kalan

[3:52] That won't keep him up.

Stuart Wellington

[3:54] Like a shitload of them.

Elliott Kalan

[3:55] He's a fairy tale princess.

[3:56] Thank you for noticing, guys.

[3:58] Pea under his mattress.

[3:59] The smell will keep him awake.

Stuart Wellington

[4:01] So, we watched this movie and now we're about to talk about it.

[4:05] Elliot is about to give a plot summary.

[4:08] Yes.

[4:08] Go, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] And starting in three, two, one, Liam Hemsworth plays Adam Cassidy, a guy who we're supposed

[4:17] to believe is kind of a tech know-it-all who works on a project for a big multinational

[4:25] phone company called Wyatt Mobile.

[4:27] Because what's an imposing rich guy's name?

[4:30] How about Wyatt?

Dan McCoy

[4:31] Yeah.

[4:32] Nick Wyatt.

Elliott Kalan

[4:33] And played by Gary Oldman.

[4:35] Played by Wyatt Sinek.

[4:37] That would have been great.

[4:39] He would have been great in that role.

[4:40] That would have made it so much better.

Stuart Wellington

[4:42] Instead, we get Gary Oldman doing his fucking chimney sweep impression.

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] Gary Oldman was doing what Dan thought was supposed to be an Australian accent, but I

[4:50] wasn't sure.

[4:50] I thought it was more of a Mary Poppins-y Cockney.

Dan McCoy

[4:52] No, I came around.

[4:54] It was a Cockney accent, but it's too...

[4:57] I think it says a little something about Gary Oldman's voice work that it took a while

[5:02] to figure out what was going on.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] It says something about Gary Oldman's devotion to the project.

[5:07] Yeah.

[5:08] Let's just say he gave a better performance in Red Riding Hood.

[5:11] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[5:12] Well, I mean...

[5:13] Yeah, I mean, that's not even under debate.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:15] He burns a guy alive inside of a giant iron elephant, right?

Elliott Kalan

[5:18] And when someone asks...

[5:19] And when...

[5:20] Who is it?

[5:22] Someone asks if they can touch a sword.

[5:24] Or somebody asks if they can touch his sword.

[5:27] He goes, no.

[5:29] It's perfect line reading.

[5:31] Anyway...

[5:32] Liam Hemsworth and his friend, who is supposed to be a nerd also, except he's also played by

[5:40] a handsome guy.

[5:41] And it's a sign of how glossy, stupid this movie is, that even the guy who's supposed to be

[5:46] like the nerdy, girls-don't-want-to-date-him, like a computer geek guy, is still just a handsome

[5:51] guy with a thick neck and a chin butt.

[5:54] He just has glasses on.

[5:55] Wait.

[5:55] He's got a chin butt?

[5:57] No, no.

[5:57] He has a cleft in his chin.

[5:59] It's not like he has a chin butt.

[6:01] He wears glasses.

[6:03] You can't do both, usually.

[6:05] But he does.

[6:07] They work for Gary Oldman on a project.

[6:08] They try to get into an exclusive club that nobody else seems to be that interested in, because

[6:13] there's no line to get in.

[6:14] But they can't get in, because they're losers.

Stuart Wellington

[6:16] Well, like the nerdy friend would have been a better choice to be the star of the movie,

[6:19] because...

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] Anyone would have been a better choice to be the star of the movie.

[6:21] Liam Hemsworth is terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[6:22] Because Liam Hemsworth begins the movie looking like a preppy asshole, and they don't have

[6:28] to do like a...

Elliott Kalan

[6:28] Actually, the movie opens on a voiceover while he's jogging.

Stuart Wellington

[6:33] A voiceover, always a sure sign that the movie's going to be good.

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] Oh, yeah.

[6:35] Any movie that starts with a voiceover is automatic box office gold.

[6:39] It's going to be the best thing you ever saw, heard, tasted, smelled, touched.

[6:42] Every sense will be glorified by this voiceover movie.

[6:46] But Liam Hemsworth does a voiceover about how his generation was robbed, they were supposed

[6:53] to have the success, and instead it was taken away from them.

[6:56] And it really feels like this VO was just put on as an afterthought to try to make it relevant

[7:01] in some way.

Dan McCoy

[7:02] Oh, yeah.

[7:03] Shit, there was a financial collapse.

[7:05] Can we stick something in there about that?

Elliott Kalan

[7:08] Otherwise, what you have is not even a fantasy of rich person life.

[7:14] You know, kind of boilerplate.

[7:16] Two twists in the whole thing.

[7:18] Like Dan said while we were watching it, it was like an episode of like a one-hour CBS

[7:22] police procedural drama.

[7:24] Like it has that kind of plotting and twisting.

Dan McCoy

[7:26] But significantly longer.

Elliott Kalan

[7:28] An hour and 15 minutes.

[7:29] Almost twice the length and also half the charisma.

[7:32] Now, anyway, we're barely into this stupid movie that has almost no plot.

[7:36] But, uh, so he, they get fired from their job after he gives an impertinent presentation

[7:42] to Gary Oldman about a product that they were working on.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] But...

[7:46] It was, uh, shots of Gary Oldman naked in the Scarlet Letter was the presentation.

[7:50] It was called...

[7:50] Look at that.

[7:51] It was called...

[7:51] Yeah, check that out.

Elliott Kalan

[7:52] It was looking for funding for a Hall of Fame of little penises.

[7:56] A not impressively sized penis Hall of Fame.

[8:00] Exhibit one, Gary Oldman in the Scarlet Letter.

[8:03] Um...

[8:03] Exhibit two, Dan McCoy in these pictures that I took.

[8:06] What?

[8:06] But...

Dan McCoy

[8:07] Look, um, I was not aroused.

[8:09] I don't think you're getting a full impression of what I'm kidding.

[8:12] Don't worry, Dan.

[8:12] It's probably forced perspective.

[8:13] Like in The Hobbit.

[8:14] When they shoot all those penises.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] It's a good point.

[8:17] I shot it in forced perspective and used computers to make it look small.

[8:20] So that a penis the size of John Riz Davies instead looks like a mickin.

[8:26] Anyway, so they get fired.

[8:28] But their credit...

[8:30] They still have their corporate credit cards.

[8:32] They take it and go to that club.

[8:34] Uh, it's them and the two women who work with them.

[8:37] They drink shots after shots.

[8:38] They're just having crazy fun as young people.

[8:40] They are incredibly irritating.

[8:42] They're living life.

[8:43] All I could think while watching this...

[8:44] YOLO.

[8:44] I hate young people.

[8:45] I could be cleaning my son's diaper right now.

[8:48] Mm-hmm.

[8:48] Rather than watching this.

[8:50] Sure.

[8:50] So, but instead of watching this...

[8:51] Hold on.

[8:52] Oh, man.

[8:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:53] Your son is the youngest person, though.

[8:55] Huh?

Elliott Kalan

[8:56] Oh, no, you're right.

[8:57] I can't hate young people because my son is younger than any of them.

[9:02] You know what?

[9:03] Eventually, he'll get to a point where I find him irritating.

[9:05] Anyway, so...

[9:07] He's not going to clubs here.

[9:08] We got it.

[9:08] No, he's only going to...

Stuart Wellington

[9:09] I mean, he'd probably be pretty irritating at a club.

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] He's going to baby clubs.

[9:13] Club goo goo.

[9:14] Sure.

[9:15] Pants oilers.

[9:15] I'm sorry I started this.

[9:17] Rattles.

[9:19] The teething room.

[9:22] And he has...

[9:24] Now you see him, now you don't.

Dan McCoy

[9:26] That's a peekaboo-themed club.

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] Yeah, he just...

[9:28] He has a regular table at Fuzzy Head, but not a lot of hair yet.

[9:33] Sure.

[9:33] The club.

[9:35] That's a very descriptive long name.

Stuart Wellington

[9:37] And it sounds kind of like Harrison Ford in this movie, too.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] Yep, yep.

[9:40] Well, we'll get to that.

[9:41] Well, at the club, Liam Hemsworth locks eyes across the room with Amber Heard.

[9:45] They dance together.

[9:46] Cut to the next morning.

[9:47] They've had sex.

[9:48] And she's kicking him out of her apartment because she's a high-powered executive.

[9:52] And he is just bridge and tunnel trash.

[9:54] And he goes, I don't even know your name.

[9:56] Which means that they spent the whole night together without ever exchanging names.

[10:00] That's what kids do know.

[10:01] Hey, you.

[10:01] There was a lot of...

[10:02] Take your clothes off, you.

[10:03] Girlie, let's do this.

[10:05] You got it, boy.

[10:06] Boy.

[10:08] You sex a good game, boy.

[10:10] But now you leave.

[10:14] He is confronted by Gary Oldman.

[10:18] Gary Oldman sends his kind of all-around hitman enforcer to pick him up.

[10:24] And Gary Oldman says...

[10:25] Julian McMahon?

Dan McCoy

[10:26] Yeah.

[10:26] Julian McMahon.

[10:27] Yeah.

[10:27] McMahon?

[10:28] McMahon.

[10:29] Terrible Doctor Doom himself.

[10:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] And they say, look, you just spent $16,000 at that club of our money, which is crazy.

[10:38] Crazy.

[10:38] I think they bought some Swarovski crystal online while they were at the club.

[10:42] And then rented a car for a couple weeks.

[10:45] But...

Dan McCoy

[10:46] Well, they got bottle service, but it was just bottle service that they threw it up in the air

[10:50] and they practiced shooting it.

[10:51] So they got a bunch of bottles.

Elliott Kalan

[10:53] Okay.

[10:54] I mean, it's...

Dan McCoy

[10:54] It's the real wave service.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] $1,000 a bottle.

[10:57] We shot 16 bottles.

[10:58] Yeah.

[10:59] Well, that's not bad.

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] How many bottles did they throw?

[11:01] Like 24?

Elliott Kalan

[11:02] No.

[11:03] I mean...

[11:03] Oh, yeah.

[11:05] They threw 30 up in the air, but they only shot 16.

Stuart Wellington

[11:07] I mean, that's still pretty good.

[11:08] That's over half.

Elliott Kalan

[11:09] But Gary Oldman says, here's what you're going to do.

[11:12] Either we press charges, or you're going to become our corporate spy.

[11:16] My assistant is going to train you to become the perfect corporate gentleman.

[11:22] You're going to infiltrate my old boss, Harrison Ford's company.

[11:26] Gary Oldman used to work for Harrison Ford in this.

[11:29] His old boss, Jock Goddard, which is kind of a stupid name.

[11:35] Jock?

[11:35] Jock.

[11:37] It's not Jock?

[11:38] No, not Jock.

[11:39] Jock.

[11:40] Like J-O-C-K?

[11:41] The kind of guy who would beat me up.

[11:42] Okay.

[11:44] You're going to go and steal this new prototype phone from him so that we can use it, I guess?

[11:50] Yeah.

[11:50] And so Adam goes in.

[11:52] He meets with...

[11:53] It turns out Amber Heard works for Jock Goddard, but he impresses this other guy.

[11:57] This other guy named Lundgren, which made me wish I was watching Rocky IV the whole time.

[12:03] Even Red Scorpion, whatever.

Dan McCoy

[12:06] Or Universal Soldier.

[12:07] Yeah, sure, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:09] Or even, you know what, Planetary Soldier.

[12:11] He didn't get promoted to Universal yet.

[12:13] Sure.

[12:14] He impresses them enough that he wheedles his way in.

[12:16] He's given an assignment.

[12:18] You have 72 hours to figure out how we can use this technology we developed that doesn't work.

[12:23] And you know what he does?

[12:24] He talks to his nerdy friend at the bar that his girlfriend works at now.

[12:28] The nerdy friend's girlfriend.

[12:29] And he discovers that, I guess, soldiers can use it to keep tabs on each other?

Dan McCoy

[12:35] Yeah, well, the problem was, like, it's a GPS thing for the phone, but it's too heavy and it drains too much battery.

[12:41] So, like, actual, like, regular phone users wouldn't want to use it.

Elliott Kalan

[12:44] And it's too specific, and it's too powerful, right?

[12:47] Yeah.

[12:47] It's like, you can pinpoint where someone is, like, by floor on a building.

[12:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:51] Yeah, so, like, serial killers wouldn't want to use that.

Elliott Kalan

[12:53] Yeah, it's kind of like a bat radar, basically.

Dan McCoy

[12:56] But it's perfect to give to the military to prevent friendly fire.

[13:01] So, like, all people in a unit know exactly where the other person is at the same time.

Elliott Kalan

[13:05] And as we all know, technology usually goes from the private industry into the military.

[13:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:10] Now, you're making a joke because that's not true.

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] That's actually not true, no.

[13:14] The military does...

Dan McCoy

[13:15] It's not so much a joke as a use of irony.

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] The military does, yeah, not a joke at all in that it wasn't funny and there was no punchline.

Dan McCoy

[13:21] It was sort of a...

[13:22] It was like when you can't do that on television would do the opposite sketches where the joke

[13:27] was just the opposite of what's real.

[13:29] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[13:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:29] And then somebody would get green slime on their head because they said, I don't know.

[13:32] Uh-oh, I said it.

[13:34] Splorch, green slime on my head.

Stuart Wellington

[13:36] That was way better than your chickens.

[13:38] Thanks, Canada.

Elliott Kalan

[13:39] Well, I learned how to do sound effects from Don Martin cartoons.

[13:42] So splorch, flip flop, all that stuff.

[13:44] I can do pretty well.

[13:45] Flurg.

[13:46] Flurg, phone bone and so forth.

[13:48] He didn't do a lot of chicken-based cartoons.

[13:50] Anyway, they're so impressed that they give him like a billion dollar job or something.

[13:56] And also, I should have mentioned that the entirety of training and turning this bridge and tunnel

[14:02] kind of rough-edged guy into a super slick corporate shark is giving him a fancy watch,

[14:08] a new suit, a new apartment, and telling him, hey, don't always say what you're thinking.

[14:12] Well, and that's...

Stuart Wellington

[14:13] He didn't even get a fucking haircut.

Elliott Kalan

[14:15] No, well, because his hair looks great.

Dan McCoy

[14:16] I mean, he looks amazing, dude.

[14:19] And let's not gloss over the fact that Gary Oldman, instead of getting a guy who knows

[14:26] a lot about industrial espionage or corporate espionage, just was like, oh, well, I have leverage

[14:33] over this guy, so I guess he's my spy now.

Elliott Kalan

[14:36] Over this idiot douchebag who spent $16,000 at a club.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] So our hero who's coping with his father's imminent death...

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] Now, that's the other leverage he has.

Stuart Wellington

[14:45] Spends a shitload of money on booze instead of helping his father.

Elliott Kalan

[14:48] He can't afford his dad's health insurance because he lost his job or got down, got back

[14:53] or something like that.

Dan McCoy

[14:54] His dad played by Richard Dreyfuss, so somehow this...

[14:57] So we get a slice of Dreyfuss.

[14:58] Somehow this small Jewish man gave birth to a huge Gentile.

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] We don't know who his mom was.

[15:10] He could have been married to Bridget Nielsen or something.

[15:12] That's true.

[15:12] But Richard Dreyfuss...

Stuart Wellington

[15:14] He's very charming and has baseball caps on.

Elliott Kalan

[15:16] He has a baseball cap with a presidential seal.

[15:19] I wonder if it was in Richard Dreyfuss' contract.

[15:21] I'm only going to do two scenes where I'm not sitting in a lazy boy.

[15:24] Because he spends most of the movie just sitting in a lazy boy.

[15:28] And it's implied that...

Stuart Wellington

[15:29] If this is going to be an outdoor scene, we're going to need to figure out a way to get a

[15:31] lazy boy out there.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] So, Adam infiltrates Jock's company, Harrison Ford's company, almost instantly.

[15:41] He's invited to a garden party at Harrison Ford's house and the two bond over that they've

[15:45] both lost family members.

[15:46] He and Amber Heard bond over having parents.

[15:51] And he's very handsome.

[15:52] And it's like within a day, he is the golden boy of the company and Amber Heard is his girlfriend.

[15:58] Even though when she's taking a suspiciously long shower, he steals some files from her computer.

Dan McCoy

[16:04] Yeah, she's got to clean the musk off of her.

Elliott Kalan

[16:07] And it was literally...

[16:08] Hemsworth musk.

[16:10] Yeah.

[16:11] Hemsmusk.

[16:12] You're seeing the progress bar on the computer and then it's cutting to the shower door.

[16:16] Back to the progress bar, shower door, and then shower water turns off.

[16:20] She reaches out to get a towel, pulls it into the shower.

Stuart Wellington

[16:23] At which point Dan groans.

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] Yeah, because he thought this PG-13 movie might have some nudity in it.

Stuart Wellington

[16:29] I mean, if it's not sexual, maybe they could just...

Elliott Kalan

[16:33] Look, if it was 1985, yeah, a PG-13 movie would have some nudity in it.

[16:36] Yeah, it's like classic artwork, dude.

Dan McCoy

[16:38] Sheena would be bathing in a lake for like five minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] Yep, but we live in primer times.

Dan McCoy

[16:45] No, but I was mostly...

[16:46] But like, it is ridiculous.

[16:47] Like, she pulls, as you say, the towel into the shower to dry off.

[16:51] To buy some time.

[16:52] And she's got to daub off the fucking faucet or whatever.

[16:55] Instead of exiting into her own bathroom in front of a man she just had sex with.

Elliott Kalan

[16:59] I wish they had drawn it out more and it was like, you heard the shower turn off,

[17:05] heard the shower door open and close, and Hemsworth's like,

[17:07] oh, looks to the progress bar, it's still moving slowly.

[17:09] Then you hear, peeing.

[17:11] Looks to the progress bar, still moving slowly.

[17:13] The peeing stops.

[17:14] Then it starts again.

[17:14] Progress bar, it's still moving slowly.

[17:16] Teeth brushing.

[17:16] Then the toilet flush.

[17:18] Oh, God, come on, progress bar, come on.

[17:20] Toilet, you know, then tooth brushing.

[17:21] And then, come on, progress bar.

[17:23] Pooping.

[17:24] After the pooping, the shower again.

[17:26] Shower again.

[17:28] And then she says, you know what, I'll just watch TV in my shower TV.

[17:31] Do you hear TV in the shower?

[17:34] I'll watch The Last Emperor.

[17:35] That's a nice long movie.

[17:37] Progress bar, still moving slowly.

[17:38] We dissolve to the final bars of the score for The Last Emperor.

[17:42] You know what?

[17:43] I haven't seen 1900 either.

[17:45] That's another Bertolucci movie I should really watch.

Dan McCoy

[17:47] I'm getting pretty pruney, but I'll stay in here for a while.

[17:51] Yeah, I'm into that, babe.

[17:53] Get super pruney.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] I love old ladies, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:57] You want to come to me?

[17:58] I'm what's called a prune chaser.

Elliott Kalan

[18:02] I'm kind of a, you know, I like PBW, prune beautiful women.

Dan McCoy

[18:07] I think he was probably watching too many California Raisins commercials when I was a kid.

[18:11] So I got in my head and screwed me all up.

[18:13] I'm really into prunes.

Elliott Kalan

[18:14] I can't drink prune juice because it's like I'm drinking liquid baby.

[18:16] So I got you these purple underpants and some sunglasses.

[18:20] Do you know what I need most down hits?

[18:23] Look, you know what really turned me on is if you're wearing just gloves, high-top sneakers,

[18:28] sunglasses, and saying, you know, deliver.

[18:33] Can you move in a herky-jerky way?

[18:36] Like your acclamation figure?

[18:38] Oh, yeah, that's hot.

Dan McCoy

[18:39] It's super hot.

[18:40] Is there any way you can make your skin ripple as if fingers are manipulating your skin over

[18:45] processing several frames?

Elliott Kalan

[18:47] Okay, now mention that you're brought to us by the Raisin Council.

[18:52] Oh, yeah, that's good stuff.

[18:54] Oh, I'm so hot.

[18:55] Come on, Bar.

[18:55] Come on, speed up.

[18:57] I'm almost done downloading these files.

[18:58] Yeah, yeah, no, no.

[18:59] Keep singing Motown hits.

[19:01] Yeah, yeah.

[19:01] Heard it through the grapevine.

[19:02] That's good.

Stuart Wellington

[19:03] Come on, progress Bar.

Elliott Kalan

[19:04] Let's go.

[19:08] So that should have happened, right?

[19:10] It should have been called Prunanoia.

[19:13] And that should have been the main scene, the centerpiece, if you will.

[19:17] Yeah.

[19:17] Anyway, he goes to, let's do it real short.

[19:21] Adam finds out he's being watched by cameras by Gary Oldman.

[19:24] Gary Oldman threatens his dad.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] There's a great scene where we see Gary Oldman's been just watching Richard Dreyfuss sit in an

[19:30] easy chair.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] He's on an iPad.

[19:32] He's just got his Dreyfuss cam up, his 24-hour Dreyfuss cam from the San Diego Zoo's Dreyfuss

[19:38] exhibit.

[19:40] In order to threaten him even more, they run over his nerd friend with a car right in

[19:46] the middle of the street.

[19:47] So Adam goes to steal this phone using, he doesn't have the right fingerprints to get

[19:53] into the vault where the prototype is kept.

[19:55] So off of a spoon, he steals Amber Heard's fingerprint and makes a silicon fingerprint mask.

[20:01] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[20:02] Using an iPad or something?

[20:04] No.

[20:04] The fuck you can do it?

[20:05] He's using his spy pad.

[20:06] He stole Tom Cruise's mask-making machine or whatever.

[20:11] What, from Mission Impossible 2?

Stuart Wellington

[20:14] The thing that makes masks and doves fly out of your coat?

Elliott Kalan

[20:17] Yeah.

[20:18] Well, that was his David Copperfield machine, made doves fly out of his coat.

[20:21] But he has, and there's a scene, he's running through the building and the guards know it's

[20:26] him.

[20:27] They're like, it's Adam Cassidy.

[20:28] Go get him.

[20:29] Go get him.

[20:29] And there are endless scenes of two slightly out-of-shape guards running through red-lid

[20:34] hallways, just looking for him.

[20:36] He's not in here.

[20:37] He's not in here.

[20:38] Yeah.

[20:38] It's like the last episode of fucking Twin Peaks.

[20:41] Yeah.

[20:42] It's like there's one of the, yeah, they're looking for Bob the whole time.

[20:45] But they have, but it's, there are two security guards in what must be like a 40-story building

[20:49] at least.

[20:51] More than that.

[20:51] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[20:52] Well, and then we learn, though, also that, like, there was no reason for the security

[20:56] guards to be chasing me anyway because it was all a setup.

Elliott Kalan

[20:58] Because it was all a trap.

[20:59] After he twice fails to get his fingerprint read by the scanner and then kind of presses

[21:04] the edges of his fingerprint mask a little bit more, he gets in, he steals the phone,

[21:09] and there's a message on it.

[21:10] Once a thief, always a thief.

[21:12] He looks around.

[21:13] Harrison Ford's right there.

[21:15] It was all a trick.

Stuart Wellington

[21:15] And the phone looks stupid.

[21:17] I mean, it looks like a piece of paper.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] And what we've been told is it's like a phone that you use for everything and it, you have

[21:24] it on you or something?

[21:25] And you can fold it, Elliot.

[21:26] It's a foldable phone.

[21:27] It's a fold phone.

[21:29] It's a flip phone.

[21:29] Oh, like a flip phone?

[21:30] Yeah.

[21:31] Exactly.

[21:31] No shit.

[21:31] They make those still?

[21:33] This whole movie is about cutting-edge phone technology, but it seems to not have seen

[21:38] a phone recently.

[21:39] So, like, when the guy who's supposed to be the biggest phone tech guy in the world, Adam

[21:43] Cassidy, when he gets texts, his phone will say 10 text messages and they'll just pop

[21:48] up one on top of another in a random tiling fashion.

Dan McCoy

[21:51] Yeah, like you're going on to some, like, crazy website and there's not a bad.

[21:55] Crazy website?

Elliott Kalan

[21:57] I think you mean sensible website.

Dan McCoy

[21:59] I mean, I think you mean sensual website.

Elliott Kalan

[22:03] And so it's like, yeah, I guess all the old phones you would just have the ability to

[22:06] scroll through text messages and read whatever one you wanted, but in this weirdly cutting-edge

[22:10] future phone, you have to close every message to get to the next one.

[22:14] Almost like a Matryoshka doll series of text messages.

[22:19] Matryoshka?

[22:20] Matryoshka?

[22:21] Matryoshka?

[22:22] Matryoshka.

Dan McCoy

[22:23] It's pronounced perestroika.

[22:24] It's a Matryoshka doll.

[22:27] Okay.

[22:27] So Baba Yaga, write us a letter and tell us how to say it properly.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] Where each text message conceals another text message until the end.

Dan McCoy

[22:34] Baba Yaga, write us a letter made out of spaghetti.

[22:38] Sure.

[22:39] Say it to us.

[22:40] What?

[22:41] Wait.

[22:41] I have no idea what you're talking about.

Stuart Wellington

[22:43] I don't either, but I want to hear more about this Russian folktale.

Elliott Kalan

[22:48] It will be a spaghetti letter?

[22:49] Russian Italian folktale.

[22:50] This spaghetti-based Russian folktale.

Stuart Wellington

[22:53] I mean, it wouldn't have been spaghetti.

Elliott Kalan

[22:54] We all know the story of the great bear who lives in the sky and eats pizza.

[22:59] It's an old Russian tale.

[23:03] Let's not forget that the old Russian story of the time Stalin was tricked by a meatball.

[23:09] It's all here in my book of Italian Russian folktales.

Stuart Wellington

[23:12] The trick was the meatball was made out of turkey instead of beef.

[23:18] And so it was healthy.

Elliott Kalan

[23:19] So he was tricked into having lower fat content.

Dan McCoy

[23:23] All right.

[23:23] It wasn't spaghetti, obviously.

[23:26] But wasn't the...

Elliott Kalan

[23:27] I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dan McCoy

[23:29] Wasn't the Baba Yaga, like, one of the most famous tales?

[23:33] Like, there's, like, noodles that wouldn't, like, stop coming out of our, like, noodle pot.

[23:37] Noodle pot.

[23:42] Right in.

Elliott Kalan

[23:44] Yeah.

[23:44] Somebody write in.

Dan McCoy

[23:45] Noodle fans.

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] Fans.

[23:48] If you're a fan of noodles, witches, noodle pots, or chicken leg houses, if you're Russian,

[23:57] if you're Italian, if your name's noodles, and you're from the movie Once Upon a Time in America,

[24:01] write in and tell Dan, what are you talking about?

Dan McCoy

[24:05] Or we can have one of our contests.

[24:08] What am I talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[24:09] No, not a contest.

[24:10] Look, it just makes me realize how much I wish this was called Paranoodles.

[24:14] It was about people trying to get the newest noodle technology.

Stuart Wellington

[24:17] But a pair of them, because a single noodle is worthless.

[24:19] Oh, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[24:20] Who would want to eat one noodle but two noodles you got your way towards a meal?

[24:24] The idea that Harrison Ford...

[24:25] You can tie them together.

[24:26] Harrison Ford is working on the new cutting-edge noodle.

[24:30] It's a shape...

[24:30] The noodle can fold.

[24:32] It's a shape...

[24:32] It's a shape no one's ever attempted before.

[24:35] A noodle-shaped noodle.

[24:38] It's so...

[24:38] It's a meta-noodle.

[24:41] Man, when we found out that the NSA was collecting all of our meta-noodles,

[24:44] that was...

[24:46] I can't believe the government was doing that.

Stuart Wellington

[24:48] What the fuck was...

[24:49] Okay, so wait, where were we?

Elliott Kalan

[24:50] So Harrison...

[24:51] It was a trick.

[24:51] Harrison Ford confronts him.

[24:52] He says, I've got all this evidence that you and Gary Oldman are doing this together.

[24:56] Now you're gonna...

[24:57] Now either he's gonna go to jail or he's gonna sell me his company,

[25:00] which he wants for some reason.

[25:02] And Adam Cassidy is...

[25:05] I'm in trouble.

[25:06] He goes to Gary Oldman and...

Stuart Wellington

[25:10] Gary Oldman tries to have him killed by Julian McMahon.

Elliott Kalan

[25:13] Yeah, there's a chase scene that's not very good,

[25:15] where they're running through the alleyways of Philadelphia in lieu of New York.

Dan McCoy

[25:20] But he's gonna turn the tables, right?

Stuart Wellington

[25:22] His girlfriend gets mad because he was lying to her.

Elliott Kalan

[25:25] Yeah.

[25:25] And so Adam recruits his old buddy, the nerd,

[25:29] to help him stop them.

[25:30] And so what he does is he has a meeting with...

[25:34] The most obvious thing.

[25:36] Yeah.

[25:36] He meets with...

[25:37] First he meets with Gary Oldman and he records their...

[25:40] Actually, he just ambushes Gary Oldman,

[25:42] right?

[25:42] Gary Oldman is eating an egg at a restaurant with his assistant.

[25:45] He reveals the assistant has been working...

[25:46] Played by...

Stuart Wellington

[25:47] His assistant's played by M. Beth Davids.

[25:50] Davids, yeah.

[25:51] From Army of Darkness.

[25:51] Yeah.

[25:52] Which, man, you know, when I first saw Army of Darkness,

[25:55] I'm like, oh, I kind of feel bad that she's in this movie

[25:57] and she seems kind of serious about shit.

[26:00] And now I'm like, wow, Army of Darkness was great.

Elliott Kalan

[26:04] Yeah.

[26:04] We've talked on the podcast before about how Army of Darkness

[26:06] was a real, ahead of its time, influential movie.

Stuart Wellington

[26:09] And it's so much better than this movie starring Han Solo

[26:12] and the naked guy from Scarlet Letter.

Elliott Kalan

[26:17] Really?

[26:17] Commissioner Gordon wasn't the first thing that came to your mind?

[26:19] Sid Vicious?

[26:20] Any of those?

[26:21] Dracula.

Stuart Wellington

[26:22] Dracula, yeah.

[26:23] Guy from Romeo is bleeding.

[26:25] Guy from...

[26:25] Romeo?

[26:25] Was his name Romeo?

[26:26] Guy from The Professional.

[26:26] I don't think his name was Romeo.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] The guy from Gary Oldman the movie.

[26:32] It's a one-man show in which Gary Oldman plays himself.

Stuart Wellington

[26:35] Mm-hmm.

[26:36] It's not actually...

[26:36] He goes from Oldman to Oldman.

[26:38] Yeah, he plays him...

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] He starts out as Gary Oldbaby.

[26:42] He goes all the way to Gary Oldman.

[26:45] Stopping at Gary Old...

[26:45] Not Baby Man?

[26:46] No, stopping along the way as Gary Oldboy.

[26:50] Which has an amazing hammer fight scene.

Stuart Wellington

[26:54] And what a great twist, right?

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] Yeah, that it turns out he was...

[26:57] Well, let's not ruin it for our listeners.

[27:00] They haven't seen Oldboy somehow.

[27:03] Anyway, he records...

[27:05] He reveals that Gary Oldman's assistant has been working for Harrison Ford.

[27:09] He reveals this by taking her phone off the table, looking up for recent calls, and they

[27:14] are all to Harrison Ford's character.

[27:17] She walks out and is never seen...

Stuart Wellington

[27:19] And her reaction is just total shock.

Elliott Kalan

[27:21] Yeah, her reaction is surprise.

[27:24] Like, what was I doing?

Stuart Wellington

[27:25] Why would you take my phone that I left in front of you?

[27:29] It's crazy that they let him just walk up and talk to them.

[27:33] Yeah.

[27:34] Well, not as crazy as the next thing that happens.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] Well, Gary Oldman...

[27:37] He then records Gary Oldman revealing that they were in on this corporate sabotage plot.

[27:42] Then, Gary Oldman meets with Harrison Ford.

[27:44] Adam Cassidy is there for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[27:46] Well, that's the thing that baffles me.

[27:48] Like, Adam Cassidy...

[27:50] Yeah.

[27:51] Like, they record...

[27:52] Again, it's just like the classic, like, oh, I'm wearing a wire way of resolving everything

[27:58] that's wrong in a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] It's like, uh...

[27:59] What was the one with George Clooney?

[28:01] Michael Clayton.

[28:02] Michael Clayton.

[28:03] Yeah.

[28:04] Where it's just like, how am I going to get out of this predicament?

[28:07] Uh, I'll record them revealing, confessing that they committed a crime.

Dan McCoy

[28:11] But that movie has made sense because, like, the real people who are acting in the conspiracy

[28:15] were talking to each other.

[28:16] Whereas in this case, our hero, there's no reason why he would still have access to these

[28:21] two people.

Elliott Kalan

[28:22] Our hero walks up to Gary Oldman and goes, you're going to be...

[28:24] You're complicit in this.

[28:25] And Gary Oldman goes, I paid you with money I never touched.

[28:28] No one's ever seen us together.

[28:30] There's no way you can...

[28:31] There's no way you can prove I did this because I did it so well to Hydewood that I did it.

[28:36] Like, okay, great.

[28:37] I mean, you could have just said, I don't know who you are.

Stuart Wellington

[28:40] But also at this point in the movie, like...

[28:41] Or I could have, like, a goon keep you from even walking up to my table.

[28:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:45] Both Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford at this point in the movie are just like, don't you get

[28:48] it?

[28:48] You've been a pawn this whole time.

[28:50] It's like, yeah, he has been a pawn.

[28:51] So why the fuck does he still have access to you two people?

[28:55] Like, just toss him away, man.

[28:56] Yeah.

[28:57] It's...

Stuart Wellington

[28:58] That's what you do with a pawn.

[28:59] You throw it in the garbage.

[29:02] You say, fuck you, pawn.

[29:04] Thanks.

[29:04] You could have been a queen.

Elliott Kalan

[29:05] But no thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[29:07] That's not how that game works.

Elliott Kalan

[29:09] I mean, they can become queens.

[29:11] They reach the other end of the board.

Dan McCoy

[29:12] Fuck you and your diagonal attacks.

[29:16] Bullshit.

[29:16] Wait, that's how that happens?

[29:18] You really hate pawns.

[29:20] Weakness disgusts me, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[29:22] I believe there are no pawn stars.

[29:24] All pawns are losers.

[29:25] Sure.

[29:26] So just to tie this movie up in a shitty bow of shit.

Stuart Wellington

[29:31] Similar to the bow tie, Gary Oldman wore the beginning of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] As you said, rich people tie their ties in a fancy bow as if their necks are presents.

[29:42] Now, Harrison Ford takes the phone that has the bug in it and throws it in a pitcher of water in a fit of peak.

[29:49] But then the nerd comes up with a different way to record him and they do.

Dan McCoy

[29:52] Well, it all relates back to the phone GPS thing.

[29:57] It's totally dumb.

Elliott Kalan

[29:58] It's one of those things where it's like, if I plant something here and it comes up later in the movie, that's good writing.

[30:04] But it's so totally arbitrary and ridiculous that it's not good writing.

[30:08] Gary Oldman is devastated, tricked into selling his company to Harrison Ford for 40 cents on the dollar, as he makes clear more than once.

[30:16] Then the FBI arrests Gary Oldman.

Dan McCoy

[30:18] Josh Holloway comes in.

[30:19] He's like, I got a computer in my brain.

[30:20] You're all under arrest.

Elliott Kalan

[30:21] The FBI arrests Harrison Ford.

[30:23] And in voiceover, it's revealed that he cut a deal with the feds, Adam Cassidy, Liam Hemsworth.

[30:29] And he started a new company with all his friends.

[30:31] He took his dad for a spin in a fancy car that he rented.

Stuart Wellington

[30:35] Yeah, you know, he's not going to take things for granted.

[30:36] He's going to start from the bottom with a company he just made, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] With a company he just founded with money he got, I don't know where, in a fancy building.

Dan McCoy

[30:44] And Amber Schur just happens to show up.

[30:45] Amber Schur, yeah.

[30:46] The movie is over.

Elliott Kalan

Dan McCoy

[30:49] Well, the movie is over before he took Richard Dreyfuss to see a ball game in a fancy car.

Elliott Kalan

[30:54] That's true.

[30:55] He's beating the bad guys.

[30:57] Then he takes Richard Dreyfuss to a game.

[30:57] It could have been over when the fucking FBI bust in.

Stuart Wellington

[31:00] And Harrison Ford gives like a spit take and that's the end of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[31:03] He reestablished his...

Stuart Wellington

[31:04] Yeah, freeze on spit take.

[31:06] And then go...

Elliott Kalan

[31:07] Freeze on spit take and then...

[31:11] But then...

[31:16] Harrison Ford died on the way to prison.

[31:18] What?

[31:20] Why?

[31:23] It just ends like Unbreakable where they just throw a bunch of captions on the screen.

[31:27] Yeah, like...

[31:28] Oh, by the way, Mr. Glassman.

Stuart Wellington

[31:29] Like a fucking short story hits the screen at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[31:33] So, the movie is over.

[31:35] But no, we've got to see him patch up his relationship with his dad.

[31:38] Great.

[31:39] Okay, movie is over, right?

[31:40] No, we've got to see him start a company and hire all his old friends.

[31:44] Movie is over, right?

[31:45] No, Amber Heard walks in.

[31:46] Because we're supposed to give a shit whether their relationship continues.

[31:50] But no...

[31:51] They patch it up and they kiss in the lobby.

[31:54] No, we see them walking down a walkway forever.

[31:59] It's like a minute-long shot of them walking towards the camera.

[32:02] It's like the end of fucking The Third Man.

[32:04] Like, you're just watching them walk down the street for a long time.

[32:09] And then finally, you're sitting there like, credits?

[32:12] Did we forget some credits here?

[32:13] Like, we've got to get to the credits?

[32:14] Is this one of those movies where there's a button that you push that starts the credits

[32:18] and someone forgot to push that button?

Dan McCoy

[32:21] Did this happen in real time?

Elliott Kalan

[32:22] Did they forget to edit this part of the movie?

[32:25] Or like, they just...

Dan McCoy

[32:26] The editor is so in love with Amber Heard.

[32:29] I just want to look at her.

[32:30] I just want to look at her a little longer.

[32:31] They left the camera running and watching the light.

[32:31] Or Liam Hemsworth.

[32:32] I mean, he is gorgeous.

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:34] They're both beautiful people.

Elliott Kalan

[32:36] He's a very handsome, untalented man.

[32:38] And then the movie is finally, blessedly over.

[32:41] Oh, terrible.

[32:42] But so here, let's catalog the major flaws of the movie.

[32:45] Liam Hemsworth, the lead, is bad.

[32:47] Yeah.

[32:48] The main character is a douche nozzle who...

Dan McCoy

[32:51] Who has no moral strength and finds no moral strength.

[32:54] And he has no talent.

[32:56] He has no skill.

Elliott Kalan

[32:57] No special skill, no charisma.

[32:59] There's no reason that he is the one who's given this task or gets mixed up in this story.

[33:03] Mm-hmm.

[33:03] Three, all the other characters are boring.

[33:06] Four, for a movie called Paranoia that's supposed to be a tense thriller, there are almost no

[33:10] twists or suspense scenes.

Stuart Wellington

[33:11] And nobody is paranoid.

[33:13] If the two villains were paranoid even a little bit, they wouldn't have gotten caught up in a simple, like, a bug.

Elliott Kalan

[33:21] Liam Hemsworth becomes paranoid when he realizes he's always being watched and he's in danger.

[33:25] And there's a scene where he is smashing up his house because he's trying to find all the hidden cameras.

Dan McCoy

[33:29] It's the shortest scene in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:31] And all it did was make me think, like, oh, remember the part at the end of the conversation when Gene Hackman is destroying his apartment looking for bugs and it's so tragic and painful because he realizes that the thing he does to other people that he's done so semi-casually has been done to him and now he understands what it's like.

[33:49] And he sees the Virgin Mary statuette and he realizes there could be a bug in there.

[33:54] If I tear that thing apart, I'm letting my fear overcome my faith in God.

[33:58] Can I do that?

[33:59] And he has to.

[34:00] He's too afraid and he tears open the statue and in that moment realizes that his own fear and paranoia has become his God and that he must worship at the altar of it forever because his life is no longer his own.

[34:12] And all he can do is sit sadly in the ruins of his own apartment trying to find some solace in playing the saxophone.

[34:17] But even that which once soothed his troubled conscience is now powerless, powerless to save him from the world he created, the world which has now destroyed him.

[34:27] And it's like, oh, what a good movie that was.

[34:30] Well, paranoia is nothing like that.

[34:32] Yeah.

[34:32] I'm watching this thick-necked, bald-chested idiot just breaking stuff for a couple seconds while Richard Dreyfuss sits in a Lazy Boy.

Dan McCoy

[34:39] And talk about the other flaw, like, talk about a thin plot.

[34:43] Like, it's a movie about corporate espionage where I guess the twist is that both of the people engaging in it are bad.

[34:51] Yeah.

[34:51] Which was not a surprise.

Elliott Kalan

[34:52] See, I really thought there were going to be more twists and he was going to be playing the sides off each other more.

[34:57] Like, that there was going to be a real who can I trust throughout the film.

Stuart Wellington

[35:01] I remember seeing the trailer and it felt like it was going to be a little bit of that where it's like two guys are waging war against each other.

[35:09] But this third guy, oh, wow, he's a player.

[35:12] Yeah.

[35:12] But no.

Elliott Kalan

[35:13] Yeah.

[35:14] It's like they wanted to make a luxury power fantasy about suddenly being picked to enter this rich world.

[35:21] The firm.

[35:22] Kind of, yeah.

[35:23] Yeah.

[35:23] But even that, they didn't bother to build this world of luxury that we were supposed to live in.

[35:28] Right.

[35:28] Other than showing us a fancy apartment, a fancy house.

[35:31] I could have used like a montage or two of him.

[35:33] A fancy Amber Heard.

[35:34] A fancy Amber Heard.

Stuart Wellington

[35:35] I could have used like a montage or two of him like enjoying this new lifestyle.

[35:40] Yeah.

[35:40] To actually give you a reason to be like, oh, I could see why one wouldn't want to give all that up.

Elliott Kalan

[35:44] I could see how you could so easily be seduced by the E's and the decadence.

[35:47] The trappings of power.

[35:48] Exactly.

[35:49] But instead, it's just like.

Stuart Wellington

[35:50] Like what's that one with Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves?

[35:55] Keanu Reeves.

Elliott Kalan

Stuart Wellington

[35:59] They have Keanu Reeves and Andrew Hybrid.

[36:02] Who's in.

[36:03] He's in Punt Break.

[36:05] The Australian Rules football movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:09] And Johnny Marsupilnovic.

[36:11] Marsupilnovic.

[36:14] Now, let's talk about that for a minute.

[36:18] How much more interesting would it be to see Keanu Reeves as a kangaroo in his own movies?

[36:27] Because let's look at kangaroos on film.

[36:29] What is there so far?

[36:30] There's Kangaroo Jack.

[36:31] There's a movie that was sold on the lie that it was starring a rapping kangaroo.

[36:35] There's Tank Girl.

[36:36] Yeah.

[36:36] Sure.

[36:37] You got Wake and Fright where they go hunting kangaroos.

Stuart Wellington

[36:40] That's about it.

[36:41] Crocodile Dundee.

Elliott Kalan

[36:42] But they're not like any kangaroo characters in that.

Stuart Wellington

[36:45] I mean, they're being hunted.

[36:46] You're Winnie the Pooh.

[36:46] You got Kanga.

[36:48] Kangaroo.

Elliott Kalan

[36:49] You've got Kongo, which is a giant gorilla, not a kangaroo.

[36:52] Sure.

[36:53] So that's something different.

[36:56] So I guess what I'm saying is...

Dan McCoy

[36:57] There's that kangaroo that Bugs Bunny fights.

Elliott Kalan

[37:00] Yeah.

[37:00] Hippity Hopper.

Dan McCoy

[37:01] Yeah.

[37:01] The one that...

[37:02] Sylvester.

Elliott Kalan

[37:02] Sylvester, because when his son goes,

[37:04] my own father, afraid of a mouse.

Stuart Wellington

[37:07] Oh, the shame.

Elliott Kalan

[37:09] Now that I'm a dad, I really understand Sylvester's pain in those cartoons.

[37:13] When I know that my son will someday be ashamed that I can't beat up a kangaroo.

Dan McCoy

[37:20] We really need to go to final judgments, but I do want to say one thing, which is my sadness.

[37:26] Earlier today, I was legitimately kind of excited to watch Paranoia.

[37:30] Let me set the scene.

Elliott Kalan

[37:31] I was doing work.

[37:32] I had a very tight deadline.

[37:33] Dan walks into my office and says,

[37:35] Hey, I'm thinking tonight.

[37:38] And I'm like, yeah?

[37:39] Yes?

[37:40] What?

[37:40] And he's so excited he can barely get the words out.

[37:42] And meanwhile, TikTok, I have a deadline because I have a job to do.

[37:45] And Dan goes, I'm thinking tonight we'll watch Paranoia.

[37:48] I was like, okay, fine.

[37:50] He goes, I think this one's going to be really crazy and good.

[37:53] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] First of all, I saw that you were surfing the internet at that time.

Elliott Kalan

[37:56] I was researching something.

Dan McCoy

[37:59] But no, I was excited.

[38:00] Bangbus.com, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[38:02] I was writing a headline about buses that I have banging on.

Dan McCoy

[38:06] Well, if I had seen you in our script software, I would not have done that.

[38:09] But I was excited.

[38:11] But he was shaking with excitement.

[38:14] Basically because...

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] He had a smile on his face you'd normally see only on a little child who's just heard the word balloon.

Dan McCoy

[38:21] But basically, I was excited about this for one reason.

[38:25] And that reason was Harrison Ford.

[38:26] And you would think that at this late date...

[38:29] You'd know that he only makes bad movies.

[38:31] I would have been burned so many times.

[38:33] But you've got to remember that when I was a kid,

[38:35] Harrison Ford was my favorite actor.

[38:37] The first time you saw What Lies Beneath, you were like...

Elliott Kalan

[38:41] I was not under the illusion that he was...

[38:42] You and Dan just watched Regarding Henry over and over again as a kid.

[38:46] You've got to understand, when I first saw Working Girl...

[38:48] Yeah, Dan what?

[38:49] No, we all loved Harrison Ford when we were kids.

[38:51] He was Indiana Jones.

[38:52] He was Han Solo.

Dan McCoy

[38:53] I was under no illusion that he was the best actor.

[38:55] But he was my favorite actor.

[38:57] And then the last two decades of my life, at least...

[39:02] When I was a kid, I think my favorite actor was Sprites from Gremlins.

Elliott Kalan

[39:08] Couldn't get enough of that guy.

[39:09] Why didn't he make any other movies?

[39:11] Anyway...

[39:12] He had a cocaine problem.

[39:13] Oh, that's terrible.

[39:14] Sure.

[39:15] So you were obsessed with Harrison Ford.

[39:16] Harrison Ford was your favorite.

Dan McCoy

[39:18] And year after year, every new movie comes out, I'm like, maybe this will be the one.

Elliott Kalan

[39:23] No, because he doesn't care anymore.

[39:24] He stopped caring a lot.

[39:25] Well, here's the thing.

[39:26] Harrison Ford in all his movies never cares.

[39:28] And that's his charm.

[39:30] But when you're a young guy and you just don't care, that's charming.

[39:33] When you're an old man who doesn't care, it's lazy.

Stuart Wellington

[39:36] All right, fair enough.

[39:37] I'm still trying to think of my favorite actor as a kid.

[39:39] I think it's Yvette from Clue.

[39:42] The sexy man.

[39:43] Culling Camp.

[39:45] Culling Camp from Clue, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:47] So, quickly, final judgments.

[39:50] This is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[39:53] Thanks, Stuart.

[39:54] The suspense.

[39:55] Real thinker.

[39:56] Real thinker, this one.

Stuart Wellington

[39:57] Let's hold on to your seats and your hats.

[40:01] No, this was a bad, bad movie.

[40:04] There was just not much there.

[40:06] I can't really say anything else about it.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] Yeah, when it started out, I thought it might be a movie I kind of liked because it's very

[40:13] glossy and I was still like, hey, there's a lot of people I like in this movie.

[40:18] But it's, yeah, it's just, the drive.

[40:20] I kind of agree for you.

[40:22] I was hoping it was going to be like a Limitless.

[40:25] Or Josh Holloway.

[40:26] I even like Amber Heard.

Elliott Kalan

[40:28] This should have been like Limitless.

[40:29] Yeah.

[40:29] A movie that looked really stupid, but was like fun stupid.

[40:32] Yeah.

[40:33] Where it was like super high energy.

[40:34] Like that was a movie where you really believed, okay, this guy has gotten to enter a world

[40:39] of crazy privilege and fun.

Stuart Wellington

[40:41] And now he's licking up blood to make himself Limitless.

Elliott Kalan

[40:44] Now he's literally drinking another man's blood so he can think of a way to escape killers.

[40:49] Yeah.

[40:49] And then at the end he wills himself not a drug addict anymore.

Dan McCoy

[40:53] But I think that's a bad, bad from you, right?

[40:55] Certainly a bad, bad.

[40:56] All right.

[40:58] So moving on, before we get to letters, just a quick message from our friends at All Things Comedy.

[41:05] They're more than friends, Dan.

[41:06] They're like family at this point.

[41:07] Just a note that Tom Segura's comedy special is now available on Netflix.

[41:16] It's a one hour special called Completely Normal.

[41:18] And the album of the same name is available for purchase on iTunes.

[41:24] Awesome.

[41:25] So check that out if you're a fan of comedy, particularly of the stand-up variety.

[41:30] Yeah.

[41:31] Sitting down, not so much for you, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[41:35] Yeah, what, like Bill Cosby shows?

[41:37] Like he sits down and does comedy.

[41:39] But moving on.

[41:41] I mean, he's great, but I'm sure he sits down.

[41:42] It's Stephen Hawking.

Elliott Kalan

[41:43] When Stephen Hawking does a comedy show.

[41:45] Two letters.

[41:47] What?

[41:48] Two letters.

[41:50] I know it's ironic that I'm writing a letter to a letter.

[41:52] But still, we've gotten so much joy out of you, letters, that I thought it was time to recognize you and how great you've been.

[41:59] And so, letters, take yourself out tonight on me.

[42:03] To a fancy restaurant?

[42:04] Maybe just to a movie.

[42:05] Take a walk in the park?

[42:07] Rent a car?

[42:08] And take a spin.

[42:08] Like in the movie, Paranoia.

[42:10] Rated PG-13.

[42:12] In theaters now.

[42:13] Except it's not.

[42:14] It's on Netflix streaming.

[42:15] It's like a talk song or something.

[42:16] That was very bad.

[42:18] Anyway, letters, I guess I'm running a little long and I've got to let you go.

[42:21] So, just keep on lettering and keep on keeping on.

[42:25] Like a bit of spoken word.

[42:27] So, that's a letter.

[42:27] Your obedient servant, Elliot Kalin.

[42:29] P.S.

[42:30] Those are two letters.

Dan McCoy

[42:32] That's a letter that we did not receive, but on to letters.

[42:35] I was writing it.

[42:35] It's letters.

[42:36] Okay.

[42:37] That's why it ended with my name.

[42:38] Sure.

[42:39] This one, Elliot, last name withheld.

[42:41] Yeah.

[42:41] This one comes from Chad, last name withheld.

[42:44] It starts off, Dear Flophousians.

[42:47] Wow, Elliot.

[42:48] Great song there.

[42:49] I especially like the part where you scattered the entire theme of the Brady Bunch.

[42:52] Wow.

[42:52] The one time he did not actually sing a song.

Elliott Kalan

[42:54] Yeah, because I zig when people think I'm going to zag.

[42:57] By zig, I mean ziggy.

[42:59] When people think I'm going to zaggy.

Stuart Wellington

[43:03] Zaggy is like zaggy the 90s attempt to have him wear his clothes backwards like Criss Cross.

[43:09] He was cool.

[43:10] He was zaggy.

[43:10] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:12] Anyway, Chad continues.

[43:13] Sadly, I have a few things I currently rent from Rent-A-Center, and I go in every Saturday

[43:18] to pay my bill.

[43:20] Every Saturday that I walk in, I'm greeted by Journey 2, The Mysterious Island, playing

[43:24] awesome on all 30 flat screen TVs in the store.

[43:29] I always thought it was sort of funny, and now I've seen that full movie probably three

[43:32] times from all the segments I've watched.

[43:34] This was all fine and dandy until three or four weeks ago when I walk in and on half the

[43:39] TVs, Marmaduke was playing.

[43:43] Coincidence?

[43:44] I think not.

[43:44] Someone there either loves your podcast or loves torturing customers.

[43:47] I just had to write in about this, and since it's my first time writing, I want to say thank

[43:52] you for creating a superior podcast to all other bad movie podcasts so I can listen to past

[43:56] episodes over and over and they never get old.

[43:59] Dan, I've got some questions if you want to ask them on the podcast.

[44:02] Sure, why not?

[44:03] Elliot, when are you going to be on TV again?

[44:06] Make it happen.

[44:07] I mean, I'll do my best.

[44:08] I have no idea.

[44:09] Dan, if you were able to choose to be one Ninja Turtle, which one would you choose?

[44:14] Oh, wow.

[44:14] I personally prefer Donatello.

[44:16] I, too, prefer Donatello.

[44:18] In a similar way that...

[44:19] You guys are fucking lame, dude.

[44:20] I was choosing a Ghostbuster.

[44:23] You know, we all would love to be Venkman, but in my heart, I know I would have to be Egon.

[44:27] I was saying, I think you're Ray.

[44:29] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[44:30] Like in the cartoon Egon, where he's got the awesome hair, or normal Harold Ramis Egon?

[44:36] Normal Egon.

[44:37] Okay.

[44:38] Not cartoon Egon.

[44:39] Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[44:40] Egon Scheel.

Stuart Wellington

[44:40] I mean, he paints some beautiful, yet tortured figures.

Dan McCoy

[44:47] Stuart, do you currently have a mustache as an avid facial hair grower?

[44:50] I hope the answer is yes.

Stuart Wellington

[44:52] I gotta disappoint you.

[44:53] I had a little bit of scruff earlier this week, and I had to shave it off for intimate

[44:58] time with the missus.

[45:00] Wow.

[45:00] I don't want to hear that.

Elliott Kalan

[45:03] She just likes to pet Stuart's bare upper lip.

[45:06] You've had full mustaches before.

Dan McCoy

[45:08] What do you do for intimate time in those games?

Stuart Wellington

[45:11] I do not want to tell you, Dan.

[45:13] All right.

[45:13] I'll tell you after we're done recording.

[45:16] Sorry.

[45:17] It involves a tuning fork.

[45:19] And another dimension.

[45:21] And a portal to a dimension where there's little dwarf slaves.

[45:23] Sure.

[45:24] Because in bed, Stuart plays a good Game Boy.

[45:28] Two of them in one episode.

Elliott Kalan

[45:29] Now, why wasn't...

Stuart Wellington

[45:30] Phantasm V has driven us mad.

Elliott Kalan

[45:32] Why wasn't the tall man a spokesman for Game Boy?

[45:35] That's what I don't understand.

[45:37] The commercials.

[45:37] You play with Game Boy, with Tetris, Super Mario Land, and other packaged cartridges.

[45:46] So, moving on.

Stuart Wellington

[45:48] I mean, that's an amazing question.

Elliott Kalan

[45:49] Angus Scrim, for Game for Nintendo.

[45:51] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[45:53] When he's promoting his latest movie, Line of Scrimmage.

Elliott Kalan

[45:58] Scrimshaw.

[46:00] It's his one-man show where he does the best of George Bernard Shaw.

Dan McCoy

[46:04] I thought it was a video game where you carve onto whale bones.

[46:09] Yeah, yeah.

[46:09] It's that too.

[46:10] So, this is Chris's last name withheld.

[46:14] He writes,

[46:14] Greetings, floppers.

[46:15] I'll cut through the bullshit and cut right to the chase.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] Thank you.

[46:18] Finally, Chris.

[46:19] I thought you'd never get to it.

Dan McCoy

[46:20] I'm a simple man with a simple request.

[46:22] Would any of you, or if I dare to dream, all of you, sing Leslie Gore's It's My Party in the guise of the Crypt Keeper?

[46:30] I know you guys don't do a ton of voices or singing, but I figured it was worth asking.

Elliott Kalan

[46:36] Look, we don't live at your whim, Chris.

[46:40] Yeah, come on.

[46:42] It's My Party in the voice of the Crypt Keeper.

[46:43] That's so specific that I have to assume you would be sexually aroused by it in a very specific fetish.

[46:51] So, I'm going to say no.

Stuart Wellington

[46:52] While I appreciate that idea, yeah, I don't know if I'm, I'd need a lyric sheet, I'd need a tuning fork and a planet with dwarves.

Dan McCoy

[47:02] I mean, certainly, yes, it's an appropriate song.

[47:04] Leslie Gore, you can do It's My Party and I'd die if I want to.

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] It's more like the Crypt Keeper would be announcing it as a DJ.

[47:11] Yeah.

[47:11] The D stands for dead.

[47:13] A dead jockey.

[47:16] On his radio station, WRIP.

[47:23] In Skincinnati.

Stuart Wellington

[47:27] Could also be the porno version of Cincinnati.

[47:29] Yeah, that's true.

Elliott Kalan

[47:30] It'd be WRIP.

[47:31] That'd be WXXX in Skincinnati.

Dan McCoy

[47:34] So, I hope that those, that the word picture that was just painted softens some of the blow.

[47:40] Of our not wanting to do that thing.

[47:43] But moving on.

[47:45] This is from Jay, last name withheld.

[47:47] It's titled, An Invisible Mania.

[47:50] Dear the Flophouse.

[47:51] I think this one's for you, Elliot.

[47:52] I thought you would be pleased, as I was, to discover that, as of this writing, the top two comments on the YouTube full movie upload of The Invisible Maniac are as follows.

[48:02] One, quote,

[48:04] There was this movie about a freak who lived in a castle.

[48:07] Anyone remember the name of it?

[48:10] And two, quote,

[48:12] Is this the movie where someone's ding dong gets ripped off?

[48:16] Which suggests that the denizens of Flophouse Nation are out there wandering the highways and byways of the internet,

[48:22] leaving hobo-style markings for the delight of the initiated and the bafflement of the hoi polloid.

[48:27] Additionally, you will notice that I've written this entire message as a single sentence with a series of dependent clauses,

[48:33] in the certainty that Dan will find it nearly impossible to read smoothly.

[48:38] He says,

[48:40] Dan will find it nearly impossible to read smoothly.

[48:42] Meanwhile, I remain yours sincerely, Jay.

[48:44] Well, you did it.

[48:46] You practiced for hours today instead of doing work.

[48:49] I said, a proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot.

[48:53] Red leather, yellow leather.

Elliott Kalan

[48:56] What to do to die today.

[48:58] Yep.

[48:59] Anyway, that reminds me of the moment Dan pointed out to me that, and this is when I knew the Flophouse had really become a tastemaker.

[49:07] When Dan pointed out to me that when you looked up Castle Freak on Amazon.com, it said,

[49:12] customers also bought, head of the family.

[49:14] So either it was just the one time Stuart bought both of them.

Stuart Wellington

[49:20] The one time.

[49:22] So I had to buy them on DVD, of course.

[49:24] And then later on, when Castle Freak came out on Blu-ray, I had to buy it from the Full Moon Pictures booth at Comic-Con.

Elliott Kalan

[49:29] Yeah, they got you.

[49:30] They're always making you buy Castle Freak in the new formats.

[49:33] You got the Laserdisc, the Betamax.

Stuart Wellington

[49:35] Yeah, I got to go frame by frame.

[49:37] I need the better transfers.

[49:39] And the 8-track of it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] He's got that 16-millimeter condensed version that they released in the 50s.

Stuart Wellington

[49:44] I keep sending letters to Stuart Gordon and Jeffrey Gumbs to find out for sure if Giorgio rips off his own ding-dong in any scene.

Elliott Kalan

[49:51] You've got the 100-year-old Castle Freak zoetrope.

[49:54] You spin it around and look through the slot, and you see him ripping his ding-dong off.

[49:59] So, Dan, what are we doing next?

Dan McCoy

[50:01] You got more letters?

[50:02] I've got one more letter, but I realize that for some reason I've cut off the name of whoever sent this.

[50:11] So I'm desperately trying to find out.

Stuart Wellington

[50:15] Scintillating podcasting.

[50:16] Dan looking at his phone.

Dan McCoy

[50:17] You're getting a peek behind the curtain.

Elliott Kalan

[50:19] Although, frankly, Dan looking at his phone is most of the preparation for the podcast, as he doesn't pay attention to the movie.

[50:25] After wanting to watch Paranoia so very, very badly.

[50:29] He checked out almost instantly.

Dan McCoy

[50:31] Yeah, I can't find it.

[50:32] So my apologies to whomever wrote this email.

[50:35] Let's just say the name is Lorenzo Lamas.

[50:37] Sure.

[50:39] The TV's renegade.

[50:40] I'll put it on the website if I recall.

[50:42] But this is, it goes,

[50:44] Hey, guys, love the show.

[50:45] So I'm looking for future tattoo ideas when I come across what may quite possibly...

[50:50] Tattoos of the future?

[50:51] Yes.

[50:51] Like a computer you tattoo on?

[50:52] They're like neon or some shit.

[50:54] Or they change or something.

[50:55] It's like the fucking aluminum wanted or whatever.

[50:58] But when I come across what may quite possibly be the most mind-meltingly ding-dong...

[51:03] Tattoos of the Master Chief from Halo?

[51:07] This guy says,

[51:09] I'm looking for future tattoo ideas when I come across what may quite possibly be the most mind-meltingly ding-dong dismemberingly atrociously awesome tattoo that has ever existed.

[51:19] Not safe for work due to the tall man from Phantasm peering from a man's exploded chest cavity.

[51:26] Unless you work in a mausoleum containing interplanetary portals.

[51:29] Then possibly safe for work.

[51:31] I present this delicate snowflake to Stuart, and solely Stuart, as the final arbiter in weather deserves such a high distinction.

[51:40] Your associate's opinions are welcome, of course.

[51:42] However, I feel they lack the requisite background in ding-dong dismembering to qualify as a judge in this area.

[51:48] And so here's the picture of...

[51:49] You can see the tall man.

Stuart Wellington

[51:52] Yeah, yeah.

[51:52] I can see quite clearly that's Angus Grimm playing the character, the tall man.

Elliott Kalan

[51:57] Yeah, looking out from somebody's ripped-open body.

Stuart Wellington

[52:00] The problem is, I think in a way, that tattoo is terrible.

[52:05] Because what it does is it invalidates the rest of the art form.

[52:09] Never again will there ever be a tattoo that ever reaches that quality.

Dan McCoy

[52:13] It's reached the pinnacle, so why bother from now on?

[52:15] Exactly.

[52:16] So I'm wondering, is the tall man just hanging outside this guy's body?

Elliott Kalan

[52:20] He's literally just killed him, or maybe he's renting the place.

Stuart Wellington

[52:23] Sure.

[52:23] Maybe he opened a portal inside that guy's body, or maybe he's looking through somebody's body,

[52:28] and the hole is so deep that it goes all the way through his body.

Elliott Kalan

[52:31] He lives in that guy's body.

[52:33] Okay, that makes sense.

[52:34] But he went on vacation.

[52:35] You don't even have to explain anymore.

[52:37] I totally believe you.

[52:37] He just came back to find that his house, this guy's body, has been robbed,

[52:41] and a hole left in the wall where the robber came in.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] And there's a bunch of raccoons inside that guy.

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] Yeah, it's all just garbage everywhere because a homeless man's been living in there for a while.

[52:49] That's why he's making that face.

[52:51] All the copper wiring for that guy's body is gone.

[52:52] No, it's stripped.

[52:53] It's totally stripped.

Dan McCoy

[52:55] So, yeah, pretty good tattoo, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[52:57] That's a good tattoo.

[52:58] Thanks for saying that, Mr. Question Mark.

Elliott Kalan

[53:01] Yep.

[53:01] Anonymous.

[53:02] He's the Riddler?

[53:05] Edward Nygma, sure.

[53:06] Yeah, Mr. Nygma is the Riddler.

[53:09] All right, thanks.

[53:10] And Mr. Smegma is a Batman villain you don't see too much these days.

Dan McCoy

[53:16] More of a Batman villain, actually.

[53:18] What you're saying is more of a Silver Age character?

Elliott Kalan

[53:20] Yeah, back in the days when Batman would get caught in a space zoo.

[53:27] Occasionally he'd have to fight Mr. Smegma, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:30] So let's move on to the final...

Elliott Kalan

[53:31] Back in the Robert Kaniger edited days of Batman.

Dan McCoy

[53:34] Final segment of the podcast where we recommend movies that we've seen and enjoyed, unlike

[53:40] Paranoia.

[53:43] Elliot, why don't you go first?

[53:44] Because I know that you're going to recommend a movie that I also saw and enjoyed.

Elliott Kalan

[53:48] I have another option if you want to recommend it.

[53:51] No, no, no.

Dan McCoy

[53:51] I've got...

Elliott Kalan

[53:52] You'll chime in?

[53:52] I also have another option.

[53:53] Because I will recommend the other movie in addition.

[53:55] Cat fight.

[53:55] But my main recommendation is The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson's new movie.

[54:00] It's possible a lot of flop fans have seen it already.

[54:02] But I went to the extreme notion of...

[54:05] Extreme length of having my mother come in from New Jersey to babysit my son so my wife

[54:11] and I could go see this movie.

[54:12] And it was totally worth it.

[54:14] It was really great.

[54:15] I enjoyed it a lot.

[54:16] It's more of a fast-paced caper adventure than Wes Anderson usually does.

[54:21] And I found it not as emotionally rich as Moonrise Kingdom.

[54:25] But I really enjoyed it a lot.

[54:27] It was from moment one to the last moment I was having fun and enjoyed it through the whole thing.

[54:32] But I think that the...

[54:33] I think it's one of his most, like, obviously blatantly funny movies.

Dan McCoy

[54:38] But that...

[54:39] I mean, that's true.

[54:39] But then I found that at the end, like, the actual, like...

[54:43] The very end of the movie hit me emotionally very hard.

[54:46] And I think it hit me all the harder because it was so lighthearted through most of the movie.

[54:51] And I realize, like, there's been a lot of discussion, you know, on the Flophouse Facebook page.

[54:55] I know there are a lot of people out there who don't like Wes Anderson that much.

[54:59] They just don't connect with his style.

[55:02] And I understand, like, if a style doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you.

[55:05] But I kind of realized, thinking about Wes Anderson's movies recently, that I think part of why he works so well for me is that all of his movies are about people who are very sensitive emotionally but aren't very good at expressing it.

[55:21] Like, are very, like...

[55:22] I can see that.

[55:23] Like, are holding everything inside themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[55:26] Just like a certain guy sitting at this table right now.

[55:28] Stuart Wellington.

[55:29] No, just kidding.

[55:30] Just like you, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[55:30] No, I'm saying it connects with me because I feel like it's the same thing.

[55:34] Like, I'm kind of an emotional live wire who deals with that by keeping the world at bay.

[55:40] But all of his movies have a moment of, like, catharsis at the end where a lot of emotions come out.

Elliott Kalan

[55:45] Have you ever had a ski chase down a mountain?

[55:46] I did.

Dan McCoy

[55:47] I was chasing Willem Dafoe down a mountain.

[55:50] Spoiler alert.

Elliott Kalan

[55:51] This is one of those movies that would be a fantastic all-ages adventure film if not for a couple moments of nudity and a ton of swearing.

[56:01] That Ralph Fiennes' character is, like, this very, like, classy, refined, elegant hotel concierge who also swears all the time.

Dan McCoy

[56:11] And there's some surprising violence in it for a Wes Anderson movie.

Elliott Kalan

[56:14] Yeah, that's true.

[56:15] But it's still kind of cartoony.

[56:17] Yeah.

[56:18] But I really enjoyed it a lot.

[56:20] And I think, you know what?

[56:21] I'm going to say this.

[56:23] Every time we bring up Wes Anderson, one of us feels the need to say, now, I know some people don't like him.

[56:28] Let's stop doing that.

[56:30] He's just a movie director.

[56:31] There's nothing special about his movies that's not like other movies.

[56:34] Some people don't like other movies.

[56:35] That's fine.

[56:35] You love Brian De Palma.

[56:37] I'm not such a huge fan.

[56:38] But every time you bring it up, you don't go, you know, some people don't like Brian De Palma.

[56:42] But I think, let's just say, I'm recommending this Wes Anderson movie because I liked it.

[56:47] No apologies.

[56:48] No defense.

Dan McCoy

[56:49] I just say that because when I say I like Brian De Palma, the internet, and by that I mean our Facebook group, does not erupt with a bunch of people feeling the need to come out of the woodwork to make fun of Brian De Palma.

Elliott Kalan

[57:01] Well, I'll say to those guys who feel the need to erupt and come out against Wes Anderson, don't see his movies, dude.

[57:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:06] Go watch something new.

[57:06] We all like Prometheus and people didn't, the world didn't explode or nothing, right?

[57:10] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[57:10] Wes Anderson's Prometheus.

[57:12] What a movie.

[57:14] You see that?

[57:14] That I'd love to see.

[57:15] And I wanted to recommend quickly.

Stuart Wellington

[57:16] I would love to see Wes Anderson make a 3D movie.

[57:19] His movies are almost 3D already.

Elliott Kalan

[57:21] Except he has such complete control and like narrow focus on the picture playing a lot.

[57:27] I think, I bet he could do something really cool with 3D, but I feel like he might not want to.

[57:33] There's such a flatness, even with the three dimensions in his movies.

[57:37] Yeah.

[57:37] He composes his movies a lot of times.

[57:38] Like dioramas.

[57:40] Yeah, yeah.

[57:41] Now, another movie I want to mention real quick is one that might be a little harder to find than Grand Budapest Hotel, but I enjoyed it.

[57:47] It's called Repentance, and it is a Georgian film from the 80s about a Soviet dictator who dies, and mysteriously his body each night is dug up and placed on the patio of his old house.

[58:02] And it turns, and the person who's doing it is put on trial and tells the story of why she thinks this Soviet dictator's soul should never rest.

[58:10] And it's both very grim at times and also very goofy at times.

[58:15] And there's a scene where the dictator and his two henchmen stop by an artist's apartment to intimidate him through singing to him as guests at his house and putting on an impromptu acapella concert that is very Terry Gilliam-esque.

[58:31] So Repentance, if you have an interest in seeing kind of a pre-end-of-the-Cold War satire type movie.

Dan McCoy

[58:39] I'd like to recommend a movie that just happens to be the movie that The Dissolve is talking about this week when we're recording this, the website The Dissolve.

[58:49] But I just watched it because I got the Blu-ray at Christmas and hadn't had a chance to see it, and I wanted to show it to my wife, which is The Sweet Spell of Success by Alexander McKendrick.

[59:01] It was written by Ernest Lehman and Clifford Odette.

[59:06] Ernest Lehman, you may know, possibly most famous as a screenwriter for writing North by Northwest, although this is a much more bitter movie than North by Northwest.

[59:16] And Alexander McKendrick also directed Lady Killers.

[59:19] Yeah.

[59:20] It's a movie that stars Tony Curtis and Burt Lancaster, and it's about the gossip columnist sort of culture of the 50s.

[59:32] I mean, it's based on Walter Winchell, pretty much.

[59:37] And it's just beautifully shot.

[59:40] It's got a great Elmer Bernstein jazz score.

[59:43] It's a film noir movie, but about, like, the gossip column business.

[59:51] And it's very funny.

[59:53] It's very bitter.

[59:55] It's really, like, every facet of it is super kind of dramatically presented, but in a wonderful way rather than an overbearing way.

[1:00:07] And I quickly want to also say Flophouse book recommendations.

[1:00:13] I was on vacation last week, and during that vacation I read...

[1:00:18] Da Vinci Code?

[1:00:20] I read a couple books that I think that Flophouse listeners would particularly enjoy.

[1:00:24] There were both...

[1:00:25] Everybody poops.

[1:00:26] Well, they're both linked in that they're both kind of cultural...

[1:00:28] What a shocking ending on that one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:30] I mean, it's right there in the title.

[1:00:34] Stay the last five pages of everyone poops.

[1:00:38] To see if everyone poops.

[1:00:40] Don't tell your friends the shocking surprise ending of everyone poops.

[1:00:43] Surely some people don't poop.

[1:00:45] Don't forget to tune in for...

[1:00:46] Read the book, my friend.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:48] Tune in after the credits for a shocking twist.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:51] For a teaser for Captain America, the pooping soldier.

[1:00:56] Nick Fury will show up, and he will poop all over.

[1:01:00] We need you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:00] It's called the Defecators Initiative.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:05] No, the movies...

[1:01:06] The movies.

[1:01:07] The books I wanted to recommend, they're both linked in that they're kind of both cultural

[1:01:10] histories.

[1:01:12] One is called Five Came Back by Mark Harris, and it's about five directors who were part

[1:01:18] of the war effort.

[1:01:19] John Ford, John Huston, George Stevens, William Wyler.

[1:01:23] World War II.

[1:01:24] Frank Capra, yes.

[1:01:26] And the other was Superman, the unauthorized biography by Glenn Weldon.

[1:01:33] World War II.

[1:01:34] Sort of traces Superman in all his incarnations from when he was invented to the present and

[1:01:43] showing how he reflected the changing times that he was in.

[1:01:48] Obviously, Five Came Back dealing with the real events of World War II carries a lot more

[1:01:53] emotional weight than the Superman book, but they're both very enjoyable.

[1:01:57] So I recommend those, too.

[1:02:00] Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:02] I'm going to recommend a movie that I actually received as a gift from Flophouse listener

[1:02:09] Alex, last name withheld.

[1:02:12] It's a movie from 1979.

[1:02:15] Ooh, that's Elliot and Dan territory.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:17] I guess so.

[1:02:19] I don't know.

[1:02:20] It's old.

[1:02:20] I did refer to The Friends of Eddie Coyle in the last episode as a more recent movie.

[1:02:25] For a more modern movie, it's 40 years old.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:27] The movie I'm going to recommend has recently been released on Blu-ray.

[1:02:31] It's a movie called The Visitor.

[1:02:32] It's a movie that was made in collaboration between...

[1:02:34] That was not the Richard Jenkins.

[1:02:36] No, 1979.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:37] It's not Visitor Q.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:39] No.

[1:02:40] I guess I'll recommend that in a later episode.

[1:02:43] No, this movie does...

[1:02:44] It's not Q, The Winged Serpent.

[1:02:45] This movie does feature a hot young actor, Mr. Lance Henriksen himself.

[1:02:51] From TV's Millennium?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:53] Lance the Pants the Ripset.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:55] Cover of Tiger Beat, Lance Henriksen.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:58] For most wrinkly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:01] The cover line is loopy over Lance.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:03] Before he lost that bet with a pumpkin head.

[1:03:07] And so this is a...

[1:03:10] We love his pottery.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:11] Now we love his acting.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:13] So this is a crazy movie.

[1:03:16] And I'm recommending this as a movie to watch with friends.

[1:03:20] Or love them.

[1:03:21] Maybe by yourself.

[1:03:23] According to its IMDb description, and I guess like the back of the box too, it's basically

[1:03:29] about a little girl who has the soul of some kind of evil intergalactic entity named Sateen,

[1:03:38] which is very much like Sateen.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:40] It's your off-brand, generic store-brand version of Sateen.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:45] And she's in a struggle with this entity of good, played by John Huston in one of his later roles.

[1:03:56] And Lance Henriksen plays a shifty owner of a basketball team.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:02] So it's like Eddie with Whoopi Goldberg.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:05] This is a movie that features a police detective getting his eyes plucked out by a crow.

[1:04:10] Or I guess eagle.

[1:04:11] Don't write in.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:13] It's really easy to tell the difference between the two.

[1:04:14] Yeah.

[1:04:15] I am.

[1:04:16] The description.

[1:04:17] The more you say about the movie, the less I understand what it is.

[1:04:20] But the more I want to see it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:21] If you like movies, this movie has all the elements of Italian cinema that I hate,

[1:04:28] which is lots of close-ups on the eyes, lots of weird cuts, lots of weird intermingling of shots.

[1:04:36] Bad dubbing.

[1:04:37] Exactly.

[1:04:38] Terrible dubbing.

[1:04:38] But at the same time, I found it weirdly charming in this case,

[1:04:41] and really interesting musical cues that do not relate to what's going on on screen.

[1:04:46] So if you want to watch a really strange movie...

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:49] Until that policeman getting his eyes plucked out, it's like, boing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:55] Whoops.

[1:04:58] So yeah, The Visitor.

[1:05:00] Check it out.

[1:05:00] And thanks again to Alex's last name withheld.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:03] All right, guys.

[1:05:04] Well, once again, I feel like perhaps we've...

[1:05:10] Like Rumpelstiltskin, we've spun...

[1:05:13] Water out of wine.

[1:05:14] The shitty yarn of paranoia into gold.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:17] You know it wasn't yarn that he was spinning into gold.

[1:05:19] It was straw.

[1:05:21] Whatever.

[1:05:22] I mean, it would still be quite a feat to spin yarn into gold, but that's not the story.

[1:05:26] He spun spaghetti into gold.

[1:05:27] Yeah.

[1:05:28] Just like Baba Yaga.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:29] No.

[1:05:30] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:32] So for the Flop Hats, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:05:36] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:05:37] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:05:39] Good night, everyone.

[1:05:40] And this one was called...

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:46] Oh, man.

[1:05:47] Okay, let's just...

[1:05:48] Let's just dig into this fucking meat sandwich.

[1:05:51] Let's talk about this stupid movie, huh?

[1:05:53] Yeah, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:58] Model up that energy, Dan.

[1:06:00] Tell us.

[1:06:01] He'll make a mint.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:03] Let's do it, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:05] Dan, you are the worst warm-up comic in the history of Bucs.

[1:06:12] Check out this guy.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:13] Where are you from?

[1:06:16] Forget it.

[1:06:17] That place is probably not very good.

[1:06:20] Well, he knows the material.

[1:06:21] Dan.

The Flop House: Episode #149 - Paranoia

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