The Flop House: Episode #153 - G.I. Joe: Retaliation

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss G.I. Joe retaliation, in which the Joes and Cobra enact brutal retaliation against the audience.

[10:00] the military in the last movie they seem to be some kind of international

[10:03] ops network here they're just part of the american military that operates

[10:07] independently of everybody else and is both

[10:10] a secret covert strike squad and also world famous everybody knows their names

[10:15] faces their code names

[10:17] and also i find it very delightful one point when jonathan price as

[10:21] uh... you know he's he's he's pulled he's a bad guy playing the president of

[10:25] this point we don't know that we just think he's the president of richly

[10:29] but he goes

[10:30] get me the g.i. joe's and i'm like i don't think you need to say that as

[10:33] president you're the commander in chief you're just like

[10:36] they're a division of the army you can just be like

[10:38] uh... so the g.i. joe's uh... this is my orders for them

[10:41] their place in the chain of command is never quite made clear

[10:45] they're probably in the fucking bahamas on vacation well anyway the point is

[10:49] why are you looking at me was that because i just got back from bahamas yeah

[10:52] he was trying to connect to you

[10:55] sure

[10:56] do a little bit of crowd work

[10:58] let me do some stewart material

[11:01] so uh...

[11:02] anybody here work at a german themed bar?

[11:06] stewart charlie's wearing those frankenstein's monster looking shoes am i right?

[11:11] hilarious, roasted

[11:12] so what's with

[11:14] so what's with being married to stewart's wife am i right?

[11:17] and stewart's like i totally get that

[11:19] anyway the movie, let me get one minute into the movie

[11:24] i don't think so

[11:26] the president of pakistan has been assassinated and in the ensuing chaos

[11:30] the pakistani nuclear warheads are up for grabs

[11:32] so the president

[11:34] breaking all rules of sovereignty which

[11:36] who cares we already broke pakistan's sovereignty when we killed osama bin laden

[11:39] sends the joes in, that at least is accurate

[11:41] the president sends the joes in

[11:43] to secure these nuclear weapons but

[11:46] it's really part of a trick

[11:48] they're actually framing the joes for the murder of the pakistani president

[11:51] prime minister, president i think, no prime minister

[11:54] that for the murder of the head of state of pakistan and stealing of the

[11:58] nuclear weapons

[11:59] so the president

[12:00] jonathan bryce who's actually zartan, in disguise

[12:03] the real president is kept in a bunker under

[12:06] the white house? it's not, i don't know if it's the white house or if it's just some old house

[12:09] somewhere

[12:10] i think it's, i think it's on, it's saying it's like the white house basement

[12:13] i think it's the white house basement, so he goes beneath the bowling alley

[12:16] and zartan just goes down there every now and then

[12:18] keep your enemies close, and your enemies closer

[12:20] it doesn't make any sense

[12:22] zartan just goes down there every now and then to punch the president in the face

[12:25] and torture him, and to intimate that he's sleeping with his wife

[12:30] but so the president

[12:31] zartan in disguise, sends a unit of the military, says the joes have gone rogue

[12:35] sends some helicopter gunships over

[12:38] blows up all the joes, kills channing tatum

[12:41] who we've already seen as a great guy palling around with his buddy dwayne the rock

[12:44] terrible at video games, and by the way, we've learned that he's an

[12:48] excellent combat guy, terrible at video games, and now he's been killed

[12:52] and other than jonathan price, he's the only returning actor other than him and ray park

[12:56] and ray who? ray park, who plays snake eyes

[13:00] and isn't the same guy who's playing storm shadow, right?

[13:03] oh yeah

[13:04] but like, channing tatum, a perfectly charming actor, like very good

[13:09] in magic mike

[13:10] and in uh... the twenty one jump street

[13:13] here, like, step up, right? yeah but

[13:16] they've delayed this movie in part because

[13:19] channing tatum

[13:21] became a much bigger star in between when they first shot it and when they

[13:24] released it

[13:25] and so like there's a lot of scenes at the beginning

[13:29] with channing tatum that don't necessarily have a lot of bearing on where the movie goes

[13:32] they're channing tatum filler

[13:34] later, yeah, and it's like well he's

[13:37] it's weird because you're like

[13:38] okay on the one hand he's one of the

[13:40] more charming actors that are in this movie like

[13:43] he actually has some charisma unlike the guy who plays flint who makes no impression

[13:47] throughout the movie. yeah he goes jonathan price

[13:50] adrian padalecki

[13:52] playing the part of lady jane

[13:54] barack maybe, and then channing tatum

[13:57] and then way down at the bottom below the guns and the vehicles used in the movie

[14:01] and the sleeping

[14:03] bruce willis. there is the charisma of

[14:05] flint who is the, okay, so let's say who the characters are

[14:09] so let's just say that

[14:10] the joes are framed for everything, all of them are killed except our three heroes

[14:14] dwayne the rock johnson as roadblock

[14:16] adrian padalecki as lady jane and whoever plays flint as flint

[14:21] flint is a guy who is there to be the third guy in scenes where

[14:25] you gotta drive the car for the joes. exactly

[14:28] so that roadblock and lady jane can have a conversation, they need flint to drive the car

[14:32] sorry, lady jane, not lady jone who i guess would be

[14:35] jane, it's not jane, i thought it was jane

[14:38] it's lady jane

[14:39] j-a-y-e

[14:41] i apologize, i just say that because, you know what, let me write up an apology to adrian police

[14:46] to larry hama

[14:49] i just know that in our audience, i would love to talk to larry hama, yeah, in our audience there exist

[14:53] uh... g.i. joe nerds

[14:55] who are very upset, what? i have to say this, i'm a nerd about a lot of stupid things

[14:59] a lot of childish things

[15:01] but a g.i. joe nerd is a nerd i cannot respect

[15:04] let me just say that

[15:05] so this is like a cobra commander shaped gauntlet being thrown down? exactly, yeah

[15:10] now if you're a cobra commander fan, maybe

[15:12] no i understand, this comes from a guy who has his facebook picture is wearing a cobra

[15:17] commander outfit, well cobra commander's great, but that's also, i'm not wearing it because i love g.i. joe

[15:21] so much, i'm wearing it because it's goofy, you're wearing it because you're the enemy of g.i. joe

[15:25] well that too, but i was wearing it because it's fun to walk around your office dressed like cobra commander

[15:29] no but you were saying this before, like as we were watching the movie and

[15:33] it's trenchant and i agree that like the only people watching this movie

[15:38] are people who have

[15:40] misplaced nostalgia

[15:42] for the shitty cartoons of their youth, i mean it's fine to have nostalgia for it, but to then say like

[15:47] i need a grown-up version of this to justify my liking of this thing, right to

[15:52] inflate it into something that is then

[15:55] deserving of or needing of

[15:57] a millions, hundreds of millions of dollar like big budget hollywood film

[16:01] well alternately like i am, i like this thing

[16:04] but i'm ashamed to like its original form because it's a children's cartoon

[16:07] right so

[16:08] for me to be able to justify as an adult that i like this thing

[16:11] i'd need like a grown-up version of it, i feel the same way about like

[16:15] the transformers or the ninja turtles, exactly, if they ever make a thundercats

[16:19] movie which they threaten every now and then like

[16:21] there's, i feel like, just have your nostalgia for that thing, but then how is that

[16:25] that different from like spider-man stuff

[16:29] i would argue that

[16:30] spider-man has a depth of character

[16:33] and theme

[16:34] that g.i. joe or transformers don't have

[16:38] and that's clearly, i mean i could partially be based on one was

[16:41] originally created to tell stories and one was created to sell toys

[16:45] and but also the artistry that's been put into the character but i'm sure

[16:48] and one of them has a spider ham

[16:50] uh... yeah if they were ham formers

[16:53] if they were ham formers or g.i. pigs or p.i.g. joes

[16:58] but it's like one of them, one of them a sense of a greater attempt at

[17:03] creative artistry has been placed into

[17:06] whereas

[17:08] that's what separates comic book movies from the toy

[17:11] just individual characters like you know like ninja turtles made in a

[17:15] lot of ways as a cartoon to sell toys

[17:18] they put a little more effort into it than some of the other ones, but anyway

[17:20] we don't need to get into that because i've alienated so many of our listeners

[17:24] who love their transformers movies and their g.i. joes. Burning tiny little effigies of elliot cayless

[17:28] as i burn bridges

[17:30] to the nerd community

[17:32] well i guess it's academia for me now i can only be around literary nerds

[17:36] eww gross

[17:38] so anyway the joes

[17:40] let's talk about the mill on the floss

[17:42] eww i don't want a floss

[17:45] with a mill, what am i a giant?

[17:48] anyway

[17:49] so the joes are on the run they've been framed

[17:52] and the president, zartan, goes on television to announce that the joes are

[17:56] criminals

[17:57] and it's one of these things where it's like

[17:59] wait so does everyone in the world know who the joes are?

[18:02] the world knows them as joes. he mentions snake eyes. so is snake eyes famous?

[18:07] yeah snake eyes was times man of the year last year. he's supposed to be like a covert ninja

[18:12] it seems like it would get in the way if people recognized him and knew who he was

[18:15] but anyway at the same time. everybody knows who everybody is except when they don't

[18:19] want people to know who they are

[18:20] at the same time

[18:22] snake eyes who has just been announced on tv as a terrorist

[18:25] is arrested we think and taken to a prison overseen by walt goggins

[18:30] who you may know as boyd crowder from justified or he's on the shield

[18:35] he turns in my second favorite performance in the movie after jonathan price he's super

[18:38] charismatic

[18:39] as the warden of this underground supervillain prison. who delights in delivering

[18:44] exposition. he loves

[18:45] he gets so much fun out of explaining to what

[18:48] the man he thinks is snake eyes how his underground prison works where people

[18:52] are put into tanks of a liquid that keeps them awake

[18:55] but paralyzes their muscles

[18:57] yeah. what?

[18:58] i said you're welcome after you said tanks

[19:01] i got it. oh wow. really?

[19:05] why does it feel like someone just punched me really hard in the gut?

[19:10] uh... so anyway. that's your funny bone breaking

[19:15] dan, if the funny bone bends it's funny. if it breaks, i need a doctor. so this

[19:20] underground prison

[19:21] that is supercooled because they're at the center of the earth almost. it is supercooled.

[19:26] there's so far underground that uh... boyd crowder mentions that they are a warden crowder

[19:29] mentions they're so far underground that they're no longer in german territory

[19:34] but in international territory

[19:35] and i didn't realize. so it's totally legal to put dudes in giant fucking freezing

[19:39] bacta tanks. i didn't realize that there was a depth you could go where you were no longer

[19:43] bound by law. you can waterboard the shit out of people as long as you're at the center

[19:46] of the earth. as long as you're in mole-man country. welcome to mole-man country.

[19:53] that's for mole-borel cigarettes.

[19:57] so they're in these... so this huge

[20:00] The prison has been set up to hold three prisoners, Cobra Commander, Destro, and two before-prisoner TBD.

[20:06] And that's it. That's totally it. They have no more space for tanks.

[20:11] And the whole time the warden is like, so happy that Snake Eyes is there.

[20:14] They finally caught Snake Eyes.

[20:16] And they take off—

[20:17] Can I give you my signature, Snake Eyes?

[20:20] And did I mention that the entire time Snake Eyes is in his signature armor and helmet?

[20:23] Yeah.

[20:24] So they let him keep on his superhero costume as they brought him to jail.

[20:28] And they brought his fucking katanas with him, too.

[20:30] Yeah.

[20:30] Like, you would think those would go into evidence.

[20:32] For some reason, his whole armory is with him.

[20:34] And it's not till they're about—they're prepping him to put him in the tank

[20:38] that they take his helmet off and realize it's Storm Shadow.

[20:40] They're like, oh, well, I mean, as an afterthought, maybe we should just remove this helmet.

[20:46] What the—

[20:47] That's a different guy than the prisoner we thought we had.

[20:49] Well, put him in the tube.

[20:51] Put him in the tank.

[20:52] The same way that, like, let's say Dan robbed a bank wearing a gorilla mask.

[20:56] And I was at a Halloween party with a gorilla mask on.

[20:58] And the police arrested me.

[21:00] I went to trial.

[21:01] They were walking me to prison.

[21:03] They—and then maybe Dan killed someone.

[21:06] Someone on death row.

[21:07] I'm about to be brought to the electric chair.

[21:08] And they're like, you know what?

[21:09] Before we give you the chair, let's take this mask off.

[21:12] They see it's me.

[21:12] And they go, you're not the guy that was supposedly the murderer.

[21:15] Strap him in, boys.

[21:16] We got the chair.

[21:18] Strap him in and kill him.

[21:18] I got the work order.

[21:19] It says one guy in gorilla mask.

[21:21] The work order just says man in gorilla mask.

[21:23] And that's what you had on.

[21:24] So they—

[21:25] It's not my job to sort gorillas.

[21:30] Get a gorilla sorter for that.

[21:32] But we can't.

[21:32] All the best gorilla sorters were hired by Joe Camel as part of his

[21:36] gorilla intelligence jail operation.

[21:40] But anyway.

[21:40] That's a good union to get in, by the way.

[21:42] Of the gorilla sorters?

[21:43] Oh, yes.

[21:44] Great pay, great benefits.

[21:46] Did you just say grape benefits?

[21:49] Yeah, grape benefits.

[21:50] Yeah, yeah.

[21:50] Grape benefits.

[21:52] If you don't pay over time, then Grape Abe comes and attacks you.

[21:56] He's so benevolent.

[21:58] A benefit.

[21:59] It's a benefit to the union.

[22:01] I guess that's true.

[22:01] So they throw Storm Shadow in this tube.

[22:04] And they fill him up with this liquid that paralyzes you.

[22:07] But I guess since he's a super ninja, it doesn't affect him.

[22:10] And he fights his way out.

[22:11] And he's got tons of shurikens.

[22:12] He hides his shits all over him, dude.

[22:15] Well, he's fighting—

[22:16] When you're not good of a ninja, you can turn anything into a shuriken.

[22:19] They did not pat him down before they put him in the tube.

[22:22] So you have to—

[22:23] Yeah, he just came in with all those weapons.

[22:24] You don't pat down a ninja.

[22:25] There's going to be, like, little sleeper stars on him.

[22:28] No, just put him in.

[22:29] He's got throwing stars hidden in his rectum, I guess.

[22:31] That he just takes out and throws at them.

[22:32] Covered in blowfish toxin.

[22:34] Yeah, which you really don't want to store in your rectum.

[22:37] That is going to get into your blood.

[22:38] Well, when you're a great ninja, you can do whatever you want.

[22:40] Apparently.

[22:42] So while he's fighting out from the inside to free Cobra Commander,

[22:47] Firefly, a former Joe, who's now a bad guy—

[22:50] Played by Ray Stevenson, Punisher Warzone!

[22:52] He's fighting in from the outside,

[22:54] and he does this with his tiny little robot fireflies that explode,

[22:57] and also his motorcycle that he rides up, then jumps off of.

[23:02] It splits into pieces and then explodes against the door to open up an entrance.

[23:06] So he's got no ride home.

[23:08] But it was super cool the way he lost his ride home.

[23:12] And there's no one alive to watch him do it.

[23:14] That's the thing.

[23:15] And they look at Destro's—

[23:16] Security cameras.

[23:18] Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

[23:18] And they go, Destro, you're out of the band.

[23:22] And then they leave and then blow the place up, so I guess Destro is dead now?

[23:26] Yeah, probably.

[23:27] But—

[23:28] The best thing is that Walton Goggins' character was explaining, like,

[23:31] all the weaknesses of this place, and Elliot's like,

[23:33] great, he's explaining the weaknesses so that this guy can break out.

[23:37] And then Walton Goggins is the one who utilizes those weaknesses to blow everybody up.

[23:41] Yeah, and he manages to—

[23:43] It's a twist.

[23:44] —to heavily burn the back of Storm Shadow as he does so.

[23:47] But Cobra Commander gets out, and here's where the movie—

[23:50] Okay, the movie was kind of bland and boring up to this point.

[23:53] Great performance by Walton Goggins.

[23:57] Fun performance by Jonathan Grace.

[23:58] RIP.

[24:00] But rest in peace, The Warden.

[24:02] But here's where—

[24:04] And this is going to go back on what I said before about

[24:07] people wanting adult versions of their cartoon characters.

[24:09] And I realized when, like, the new Michael Bay Ninja Turtles trailer came out,

[24:13] and I didn't give a shit, I was like,

[24:14] oh, I guess I don't really care when they change stuff about stuff I liked as a kid.

[24:18] Because the version I liked as a kid is still there.

[24:20] But Cobra Commander starts speaking, and he has a super deep voice.

[24:24] And for some reason, at the core of my being, this really bothered me.

[24:28] Yeah.

[24:28] So I guess I'm a hypocrite is what it comes down to.

[24:30] Yeah, he should be, like, two notches down from Crypt Keeper.

[24:33] He should have, yeah, he should have a really high-pitched,

[24:35] scratchy voice because he's supposed to sound like a snake.

[24:37] Snakes wouldn't have low-pitched voices.

[24:40] Yeah, no way.

[24:42] When snakes speak, they're always super squeaky.

[24:44] And they go like this.

[24:45] Yes!

[24:46] They always, the S's are drawn out.

[24:48] Like that drug-dealing snake man from that anti-drug commercial.

[24:51] You remember the one.

[24:52] I know what you're talking about.

[24:53] Yeah, that PSA from the late 80s.

[24:56] Anyway, the point is, I don't know who thought, who's a bit great idea.

[25:00] I'm trying to remember the Jungle Book.

[25:02] Yeah, well, he has a kind of a high-pitched voice, right?

[25:04] Yeah.

[25:05] What's his name?

[25:06] Ka?

[25:07] Yeah, Ka.

[25:07] The point is, Cobra Commander is the one G.I. Joe character who's really fun.

[25:14] And why would you defund him by taking away his high-pitched, silly voice?

[25:18] And not once in the movie have him go, retreat!

[25:21] Which was his thing.

[25:24] It turns out Cobra Commander is really bad at what he does.

[25:27] Yeah, well, he's very good at keeping his people alive by retreating.

[25:31] But no, he's not.

[25:31] And by having them eject from planes.

[25:34] His retreat always is him in an escape pod with the Baroness,

[25:37] and the rest of his men are killed by lasers.

[25:40] Yeah, major blood might get away in a Hiss tank, but that's about it.

[25:43] And like, Zartan will get away, and what's...

[25:45] Dr. Mindbender's gonna hang out with his weird outfit.

[25:47] What are the twin names again?

[25:48] Momon, Nadon?

[25:49] Tomax and Zaymot?

[25:50] Yeah, that's Zabars and Zaggots.

[25:53] They usually get away.

[25:54] But basically, if you have a name, you'll escape.

[25:58] But if you're just one of the faceless Cobra Legion...

[26:00] Yeah, or a bat.

[26:02] Usually the bats are the ones that all get shot.

[26:04] The Robits?

[26:05] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[26:05] Beep boop.

[26:07] Thanks for bringing us back around to that.

[26:09] So anyway, Storm Shadow breaks them out, which leads us to plot number three,

[26:14] which is that Snake Eyes, the real Snake Eyes,

[26:17] is taking commands from his master, played by the RZA, that he has to go catch...

[26:22] The most convincing performance of the movie.

[26:25] The RZA channeling his best Mads Mikkelsen impression.

[26:28] Yeah, Snake Eyes, in that he is doing food-based puns.

[26:32] Snake Eyes and his apprentice Jynx, who's a lady,

[26:35] they have to go catch Storm Shadow because Storm Shadow killed everybody's sensei,

[26:39] Hardmaster.

[26:40] Which sounds like...

[26:42] From the cartoon, dude.

[26:44] He got his name from a translated condom wrapper.

[26:51] Yeah.

[26:52] Applicate Hardmaster, please, on private stick area for best safe...

[26:59] For best fun times.

[27:01] Best fun time safety virus.

[27:06] But yeah.

[27:07] It's called a no-baby wrapper.

[27:09] Hardmaster no-baby wrapper.

[27:14] This is a plot that doesn't really line up with the rest of the movie,

[27:18] but somehow I must have missed the scenes where everybody communicates,

[27:21] because without much communication between these three Joes who are on the run

[27:26] and Snake Eyes, they all meet up at the same place and are working on the same plan.

[27:30] But so Roadblock and Flint and later...

[27:32] Probably Facebook or Twitter or something.

[27:34] Yeah, I mean, they're all following each other on Instagram.

[27:37] Plans to each other.

[27:38] They're all wearing Google Glass and doing a Google Hangout.

[27:41] What are they, babies?

[27:42] Goo-goo glasses?

[27:44] Goo-goo glasses, which is with the glasses that babies wear,

[27:49] so that they can, I guess, see things like an adult sees.

[27:51] Yeah, like in that movie Brain Scan, where...

[27:54] Oh, wait.

[27:55] You know, where he plays a video game and kills people?

[27:58] Sure.

[27:58] What does that have to do with babies?

[28:00] Are you thinking of Jim Henson's Brain Scan Babies?

[28:02] Yep.

[28:03] Featuring little Eddie Furlong?

[28:06] So anyway, the three Joes come back to America,

[28:09] and they set up shop in an abandoned gym.

[28:12] Yeah.

[28:13] And they do a little bit of like James Bond-y, Mission Impossible-type

[28:20] sending Lady J...

[28:21] Well, that Lady J seduces and then they kidnap an assistant to the president,

[28:27] so that they can then sneak Lady J into some kind of fancy ball that the president's at,

[28:31] so they can steal a hair off of his head

[28:33] and check the DNA to make sure he's not a Zartan, which it turns out he is.

[28:38] What's great is that a warden in a top-secret prison

[28:41] can recognize, like, all these secret agents on site,

[28:45] but the president can't recognize Lady J, one of the Joes.

[28:48] Who is it, Cobra?

[28:49] Yeah.

[28:51] Regardless that he's the president and he's met all these Joes, I guess,

[28:54] he's Zartan, and he's fought them all.

[28:57] But he...

[28:59] And also, James Carville is at the event,

[29:01] because one, he will do anything for money and appear in anything,

[29:04] and two, he is the most Cobra-y looking character in the whole movie.

[29:09] Yeah, he looks like a Cobra snake.

[29:11] Much more... James Carville looks like...

[29:13] Put a hoodie on him, he looks like a Cobra.

[29:16] It looks like Globulus used his snake-making gas on James Carville,

[29:20] and that's why he's the snake man from Jonah Hex, basically.

[29:24] Yeah, I think in the credits he was listed as Nemesis.

[29:27] Enforcer.

[29:29] But meanwhile, Snow Baby, or whatever the fuck his name is...

[29:32] Snow Baby?

[29:33] I don't know.

[29:34] I don't know who you're referring to. Storm Shadow?

[29:35] Storm Shadow.

[29:36] So Snake Eyes and Jinx go and get Storm Shadow

[29:39] from the mountain ninja refuge that he's healing at.

[29:41] He's been burnt up.

[29:43] Of course, they got to put him in some pagodas on the edge of a mountain to heal him.

[29:48] A combination of ancient magics and high technology.

[29:51] Yeah, and they have a big repelling fight.

[29:53] And it is repellent.

[29:55] They have a fight through the mountains that involves a lot of zip lines and grappling hooks,

[29:58] which sounds great.

[30:00] But the geography of it is and let's say one thing so the director of this movie directed a bunch of dance movie

[30:05] Yeah, he made he made the two Justin Bieber concert films

[30:09] He made step up to and three step up three and the step and a bunch of dance TV shows

[30:14] I assume in the Bieber movies and in the step-up movies

[30:16] He's really good at capturing choreography choreography dance on film

[30:20] Yeah, you know where all the dancers are in relation to each other. You see the moves

[30:23] He is so bad at doing that with action scenes. Yeah, you don't know where anyone is in relationship to anybody else

[30:28] You don't know what's going on. There's no sense of them being in a physical space

[30:33] so they're fighting on the side of a mountain, but the whole thing feels like if they if they're

[30:38] Repelling lines got cut they could just walk up the side of the mountain and walk around

[30:40] It's like there's no sense that anyone any of the heroes are ever in danger at any point

[30:44] And when people's like

[30:47] Repelling lines get cut they kind of float there for a second look around hold up a sign

[30:52] Oh

[30:54] There's that scene where

[30:56] Zartan paints a tunnel on a wall and runs into it and then the good guys slam into it afterwards because it's just a tunnel

[31:02] wall, but meanwhile

[31:04] We've met Bruce Willis

[31:06] So sleepy the Joe so so snake eyes and Jinx catcher storm shadow

[31:11] It turns out he was framed for the murder of hard matter by Zartan who apparently is 85 years old

[31:17] He was an old man when when these ninjas were kids, but uh

[31:21] So they all meet up and they go they go we're gonna need some help

[31:25] Let's get the reason we're called GI Joe and it turns out it's this old retired general Joe played by Bruce Willis

[31:32] Yeah in the sleepiest performance since I guess the last thing he did general I Joe

[31:38] General Ignatius Joe

[31:40] He's just got a bunch of

[31:42] Basically, he's got weapons hidden behind every part of his house

[31:47] Like it's just like a montage of like I'm opening this cupboard and there's gun

[31:51] And now if this was the other thing and there's gun

[31:55] so here's part of the problem the movie the tone is not silly enough to be like popcorn fun and not

[32:02] Serious enough to be like a Bourne movie where it's fun, but you believe that there's some kind of

[32:08] Realistic action. Yeah, it's not it's both not smart and serious enough to be taken seriously as a thriller

[32:14] And it is not goofy crazy enough to be like a cartoon movie

[32:17] Well, yeah, because it doesn't feel comfortable

[32:19] Being goof as goofy as I think it wants to be because they don't want to insult the fans

[32:24] Yeah, I guess so

[32:25] But that's so like the one of the few moments that worked for me as a goofy moment is when they reveal that

[32:31] Literally everything in Bruce Willis's house the cupboards the closets just

[32:36] Think his kitchen drawers. They all hide guns and knives and other weapons

[32:40] Yeah, and at one point he opens up a closet door and he pulls out this 10 11 foot long rack of guns

[32:49] Like he opens up his garage Mary Poppins bag in there he opens up his garage and there's just a tank

[32:54] it's like a fucking bag of holding and if it's

[32:58] And if the tone of the movie was this is the kind of movie where a guy has guns hidden in every

[33:04] Panel of his house. I'd be out because he's a he's a retired soldier who I guess never got out of the covert ops game

[33:10] Let me okay. This is a silly movie. I could deal with that. Most importantly has got General George s Patton's gun

[33:16] Yeah, which is in a velvet line. It's like the there's a one of the Lupin

[33:20] Animated movies there's like an evil tinpot dictator who loves knives and when Fujiko like breaks into his office

[33:27] Every drawer she pulls open is full of just no loose knives

[33:33] That's kind of what this was like

[33:34] but we're I mean we're

[33:36] We're getting to my favorite part of the movie like the part that the part where goofy the part where lady J is in running

[33:41] Shorts and she bends over. No, we've passed that already

[33:44] That was also a good part of our lady J takes off her dress and changes into other clothes

[33:48] That was also a good part of the movie

[33:49] But I was gonna say the goofy thing that I like is when we finally get to know what Jonathan price's

[33:55] Plan is and it is crazy

[33:57] So yeah, so Jonathan price has asked all the nuclear nations in the world to come to Fort Sumter for a nuclear summit

[34:03] Here's the thing even North Korea is invited and they show up which is crazy

[34:08] Israel is invited Israel has denied having nuclear weapons for decades. Everyone knows they have them

[34:13] They never officially announced it, but I guess if there's a summit, I'll just show up whatever and yeah, man, free free

[34:20] Crabcakes, they want to see yeah, because that because the Jewish state is gonna go for the crab cakes, Dan

[34:29] Throw some bacon on those crab cakes while you're at a different zip code. They don't care. Okay, let's trade for not

[34:35] God totally doesn't know

[34:37] Hey, all I look at is if you're eating at home, you know, that doesn't matter to me

[34:41] I'm these Commandments. They only apply to one country

[34:46] Crab cakes

[34:49] Now I just imagine like the Prime Minister of Israel comes

[34:54] Gonna get you a shrimp cocktail. Perhaps a cheeseburger

[34:59] Yeah

[35:02] Melkins of beef in this blender. I've made some

[35:05] Hyrax Parmesan because hyraxes are also not kosher. I'm sure that's it's pretty borscht beldy in front of a Jewish Prime Minister

[35:13] Yeah, offer him a belt full of borscht. Why don't you sure?

[35:17] But the point is that so he brings him all there and he says I want to imagine a world with no nuclear weapons

[35:22] so

[35:24] Everybody if you don't get rid of all your nuclear weapons, I'm gonna launch America's nuclear weapons at you and they're like, that's crazy

[35:30] Okay and presses the launch button so all of the nuclear warheads really like launch

[35:36] He's like but like in this movie the nuclear football isn't just a thing that has the launch codes in it

[35:42] It's a traveling briefcase that can literally launch all of the weapons from that briefcase

[35:48] Just by pushing a button and also we learned that if you launch nuclear weapons

[35:53] It appears on a big TV screen above you even if you're from another country

[35:57] So all the other countries are like what we retaliate they launch. They'll bring out their

[36:02] Briefcases and launch their weapons. They're all labeled in their own languages with like a little label maker

[36:12] They're like really fancy things they're just like someone like pulled out like one of those grocery label

[36:17] If you put spend too much if you try to put something on too nice

[36:20] It's gonna might hit the button and you launch the codes

[36:22] But I just imagine like, you know, I'm like putting the launch launch label on the wrong button

[36:27] I would just love the I'd love to talk to the prop designer who put the effort into like designing each different

[36:35] Fucking briefcase for this stupid

[36:39] Compared to a French briefcase

[36:41] so all the nations in the world that have nuclear weapons launched their nuclear weapons and

[36:45] Jonathan price says now the world's gonna die unless one of us unilaterally

[36:51] Destroys nuclear weapons anyone want to do it fine

[36:53] I'll do it and he destroys all the American nuclear weapons with one button. Yeah, and then so everybody else destroys. There's two

[36:59] Oh, I guess we better follow suit

[37:02] One shrapnel raining down on the planet we're gonna look like a bunch of goofs

[37:07] if

[37:08] Everybody shoots off their missiles against America

[37:10] Yes, there's just missile parts and I assume the radioactive cores of the missiles just falling down

[37:16] We'll just forget the part where this asshole just launched all his nuclear weapons

[37:20] I'm the price goes welcome to a world without nuclear weapons, even though like there's still thousands of nuclear weapons

[37:27] But meanwhile meanwhile arriving by fan boat, it's Cobra commander

[37:32] Oh with ninja ninja brigades and nobody seems to bat an eye at this

[37:38] Because I guess the president just rolls with a bunch of ninjas usually though

[37:41] They're at a comic-con Cobra commander says now that you don't have any nuclear weapons

[37:45] We have our weapons the Zeus satellite project and these satellites basically just drop big

[37:52] Metal to spikes and because of gravity, I guess they strike with more power than a nuclear weapon

[37:58] but without the radioactive fallout, so they're actually not as bad as not as scary and

[38:03] Tilbur takes a moment to destroy London

[38:06] Which is shocking within about within about 20 seconds, you just see all of London destroyed and it's like, all right

[38:13] I guess they just killed millions of people and

[38:16] Really talking about that. And that's when GI Joe strikes. Yeah, and

[38:21] Well, you gotta wait until one country's exploded as Dan said while we're watching they couldn't have done it before

[38:27] time to save London and

[38:30] Drop first blood you don't want to go in. Yeah, you need to be able to accuse them of something

[38:35] I don't even think the British Prime Minister who I assume is there as a nuclear weapon a holding country is

[38:41] Even cares that yeah, there's no one would imagine like be in tears. Yeah

[38:47] Everyone I know is dead so much the Queen Oh Lord my whole culture. He's just like what come on, man

[38:57] So a Cobra commander says we'll launch these satellites at everybody. Well, these satellites are already automatically launched

[39:03] So but we'll only stop them if you give me total allegiance the Joe's attack

[39:07] There's a bunch of explosions to really kick a storm shadow. It turns out he's with the heroes

[39:12] We have which we already knew so he again rather than

[39:18] The plot the plan involves storm shadow getting the president get in just and taking the nuclear suitcase

[39:23] But he waits until after the nuclear missiles are launched

[39:27] Disarmed and London is destroyed before he decides to break out his part of the play these satellites that were shot into space

[39:35] This all must have happened while Cobra commander was in his tube

[39:38] So did he set up this plan ahead of time or have they been doing it without his supervision?

[39:43] And here's the thing

[39:45] Zaytan Zartan is the president

[39:52] Look I think that is

[39:54] Is Ziggy Ziggy how much better would be if Ziggy had impersonated the president and he's

[40:00] This can't get anything to work for him.

[40:02] Can't catch a break.

[40:04] Ziggy, actually he's just President Ziggy, forget about impersonating him.

[40:08] President Ziggy, you got that peace summit coming up with the Russians?

[40:12] Oh boy, I don't know.

[40:14] Vice President Parrot isn't giving me any respect.

[40:17] It would be Vice President Silent Dog who looks kind of like Ziggy

[40:22] and it would be the leader of the opposition would be that sassy parrot,

[40:25] like the Republican leader is the sassy parrot.

[40:28] I think the complaint office is closed by executive order.

[40:32] Let's see how they like it.

[40:36] Of course, Wallace Shawn plays President Ziggy.

[40:38] So that's the sequel to Ziggy, the movie I pitched five years ago.

[40:42] The sequel's called Ziggy in Chief.

[40:44] Yeah, okay, Ziggy in Chief, I can say that.

[40:46] What about Hail to the Zig?

[40:48] Fuck Ziggy in Chief, it's called Hail to the...

[40:50] No, no, the tagline is Hail to the Zig.

[40:52] Here's, okay, here's the trailer.

[40:55] Commander in grief.

[40:57] Here's the trailer.

[41:00] Commander in why me.

[41:02] So here's the trailer.

[41:03] You see news stories of like terror attack and such and such,

[41:06] Russia invading Crimea, da-da-da, all these problems, all these problems,

[41:10] and then you just see a shot of the White House and like an aide rushing through the hallway

[41:14] and he slaps a file on the president's desk.

[41:16] Of course, the chair is turned with his back to us.

[41:18] He slaps a file on the desk.

[41:20] Sir, we've got a crisis on our hands.

[41:22] The chair turns.

[41:23] Bass drop.

[41:24] Bass drop.

[41:25] And he goes, why me?

[41:27] And then cue rap music.

[41:29] And then it's like shots of Ziggy, I guess, like...

[41:31] It takes two to make a thing go around.

[41:33] Wow, Rob Bass.

[41:34] I never thought being the president would be so difficult.

[41:37] But there's also like a sexy speaker of the house that Ziggy's going to flirt with.

[41:43] And then at the end it says Hail to the Zig.

[41:46] Ziggy in Chief, Hail to the Zig.

[41:48] This summer, Hail to the Zig.

[41:50] But anyway, that's a different movie.

[41:52] That's not G.I. Joe retaliation.

[41:55] So the point is, Cobra's plan is crushed almost instantly

[41:58] as soon as these four Joes get into action.

[42:00] And these four Zogos, again, are The Rock, Lady J,

[42:04] this guy Flint who has no charisma or personality,

[42:06] and old Bruce Willis.

[42:08] And Snake Eyes.

[42:10] And Snake Eyes.

[42:11] Who walks down a flight of stairs just firing Uzis.

[42:14] Just firing Uzis in the air.

[42:16] I guess probably killing some presidential aides.

[42:19] And a couple of the leaders of those other nations.

[42:21] And I love, my favorite moment, also this, and Lady J.

[42:24] Actually that's bullshit.

[42:25] He can shoot shuriken out of the air.

[42:27] He won't shoot anybody he doesn't want to shoot.

[42:28] He shoots Uzis that fire shurikens probably.

[42:30] Probably.

[42:31] It's like that Ninja Turtles pizza shooter gun.

[42:33] That shot those plastic discs.

[42:35] What a delicious way to die.

[42:40] I used a pizza bullet.

[42:41] That way there's no evidence.

[42:43] The victim devoured his own means of death.

[42:46] They just think he ate some pizza.

[42:49] And his kidney.

[42:52] They thought he ate pizza in the head.

[42:55] That's the only way he eats pizza.

[42:58] Hold on, let me figure this out.

[43:00] Policeman picks up pizza slice, spits into mouth.

[43:02] Yep, this is how we do it, all right.

[43:06] Sure, it was in his forehead.

[43:07] Yeah, it migrated, I don't know.

[43:09] But the best part of this plan is that Cobra Commander is so cocky

[43:12] that he has the Cobra flag, pulled up the flagpole at the White House,

[43:16] and two big Cobra banners are dropped.

[43:18] They're just waiting for the sign.

[43:20] And it's like, one, when did they print those banners?

[43:23] Joanne Fabrics must have been slammed that day when they bought all that stuff.

[43:27] I need them by next Tuesday.

[43:30] I don't know, 40-foot banners with this terrorist insignia on it.

[43:34] I don't know what we should do.

[43:35] I'll pay you extra, just rush the order.

[43:38] We got a lot of print jobs.

[43:40] Please, I have a plan.

[43:41] This is very important.

[43:43] And what's great is that Cobra Commander is not at the White House when they do this,

[43:47] so I guess he's just imagining what it's going to look like.

[43:50] And then since the Joes defeat them almost instantly,

[43:53] I guess the Cobra operatives at the White House just give up

[43:57] and take the banners down.

[43:59] We've got to hold on to those.

[44:00] No, no, no, we were on your side the whole time.

[44:03] We did this as a gag.

[44:04] We're double agents, just like Snow Baby.

[44:07] That's why we didn't unfund Snow Baby.

[44:11] Snow Baby would be such a great name for a character.

[44:15] So anyway, the Joes win.

[44:17] They kill everybody in a long action sequence that is not choreographed very well.

[44:21] Surprise, surprise.

[44:23] There's this great scene of The Rock driving something around.

[44:26] The Rock drives around this tank.

[44:28] Driving like a tank dune buggy.

[44:30] That fires missiles, but not before he gets in a fan boat chase with Firefly.

[44:35] Because, of course, you've got to be in a fan boat.

[44:37] Why not?

[44:39] And he manages to get the Cobra briefcase and hit the abort button

[44:43] in time to stop the satellites from destroying other cities.

[44:46] But the abort button also blows up all the satellites,

[44:48] which seems like a weird feature to build into your death weapon.

[44:52] Yep, and then the satellites rain down on the planet.

[44:56] And Cobra Commander escapes in a helicopter, never to be seen again.

[44:59] You know what? I bet there was an after-credits sequence,

[45:01] and we just didn't even wait for it.

[45:02] Yeah, we didn't bother.

[45:03] That probably had Cobra Commander meeting with Nick Fury or something like that.

[45:06] Sure. Or a scene of Bruce Willis' wife finding all these guns on accident.

[45:10] You know what it was?

[45:11] Honey!

[45:12] I bet it was, you go through the wreckage of the base,

[45:14] and you go to the tube that Destro's in,

[45:16] and Destro opens his eyes and then smiles.

[45:19] There's so many options. We're going to have to watch this when we get home.

[45:21] We've got to watch the whole movie over again.

[45:23] No, we can just watch the Netflix guy.

[45:26] No, we've got to watch the whole movie over again to see it in context.

[45:29] So the President has been saved, the Joes have been cleared,

[45:32] they all get medals, and Snake Eyes is still in his ninja,

[45:35] full-body-with-helmet outfit, and he's getting a medal, which is weird.

[45:39] And it's just weird that Snake Eyes is like a well-known guy,

[45:44] and he just walks around in his full armor.

[45:46] He's a cool dude, Snake Eyes. I know that guy.

[45:48] Yeah.

[45:49] He's a well-known member of the, what, Arashikage ninja squad or whatever?

[45:53] This famous ninja squad led by, anyway, but it doesn't matter.

[45:57] And Bruce Willis gives, he has one of George Patton's pistols.

[46:01] He gives it to, Dwayne the Rock Johnson says,

[46:04] for when you catch up with Cobra Commander,

[46:06] because I guess Cobra Commander killed Patton?

[46:09] I don't know why. Somehow that's revenge for something?

[46:11] Yeah, I guess he's giving him the license to kill?

[46:15] And this is my second favorite moment in the movie,

[46:17] the last shot of the movie, literally,

[46:19] is Dwayne the Rock Johnson, after just having a medal pinned on him

[46:23] by Bruce Willis in the presence of the President,

[46:26] and this is appearing live on television,

[46:28] just points the Patton pistol at the sky and fires.

[46:33] And it's like, one...

[46:34] This isn't Fourth of July.

[46:35] This is, one, so Bruce Willis is just carrying around a loaded gun

[46:38] in a velvet-lined case all this time.

[46:40] Usually historical memorabilia guns are not loaded, but...

[46:43] I thought he pulled the ammunition out of the box.

[46:46] Oh, did he? I missed that then.

[46:48] If that's the case, he still, he just fired a loaded weapon...

[46:51] You'll allow it?

[46:52] I'll allow it then.

[46:53] He fired a loaded weapon just in the presence of the President,

[46:56] which is kind of against the rules, I'm guessing?

[46:59] Yeah.

[47:01] So, but...

[47:02] End of movie, ready for GI Joe 3D.

[47:04] Yeah, rock and metal tune.

[47:06] Probably a couple of extra credits.

[47:07] No, it goes straight to How You Like Me Now.

[47:09] Oh, that's right.

[47:10] Yeah, the most bland credits music you could think of.

[47:13] And the credits are just showing us scenes from the movie.

[47:16] Scenes from a mall.

[47:17] Scenes from a marriage.

[47:18] For some reason it's a montage of scenes from a mall

[47:21] with, what was it, Woody Allen and Bette Midler?

[47:24] Yep.

[47:25] And then scenes from a marriage with Liv Ullman, yeah.

[47:28] Is it Liv Ullman in scenes from a marriage?

[47:30] Yes, I think so.

[47:31] So let's go directly to Final Judgments.

[47:34] Was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[47:36] or a movie you kind of liked?

[47:37] Elliot, what do you have to say about this?

[47:39] It's just such a bland, kind of dull movie.

[47:41] I wanted it to be a good, bad movie,

[47:43] and there are moments when it was like,

[47:44] oh, here's the good, bad movie it could have been,

[47:46] but it wasn't even like,

[47:48] didn't even reach the level of bad, bad movie.

[47:50] It's just kind of like, there, you know?

[47:52] Yeah.

[47:53] It's kind of like trying to judge, like,

[47:55] a piece of wood you see in the street.

[47:57] I guess it's there.

[47:58] I can't deny it exists.

[47:59] You can't say that's a good, bad piece of wood.

[48:01] No, seeing it, I can't...

[48:02] As pieces of wood go, it's fine.

[48:03] It's just there.

[48:04] I know it's...

[48:05] I mean, there's no way to...

[48:06] It's just lying there, doing nothing.

[48:08] Yeah.

[48:09] And seeing as I watched a little bit of Tangled and Cash on TV today,

[48:12] which really showed me what a good, bad movie could be,

[48:14] this didn't, you know...

[48:16] Yeah, I thought that mostly it was a bad, bad movie.

[48:20] The good, bad sequence in it, as I said,

[48:23] that I liked the most was when Jonathan Pryce had his plan,

[48:26] which was just counting on the fact that if he unleashed a bunch of nukes,

[48:31] everyone else would follow suit,

[48:33] and then if he disarmed the nukes, everyone else would follow suit.

[48:35] Even North Korea.

[48:36] And then there were no more nukes in the world after that.

[48:39] There's this great moment where everyone's disarmed their nukes.

[48:41] He's a student of human beings.

[48:42] Yeah.

[48:43] Zartan must know people in order to become them.

[48:46] Everyone's destroyed their nukes except North Korea,

[48:49] and they're like,

[48:50] North Korea.

[48:51] And the North Korean guy's like,

[48:53] Okay, and turns them off.

[48:55] It's like this weird peer pressure moment.

[49:00] Yeah, I mean...

[49:01] If you could accurately encapsulate this movie

[49:04] by the Cobra banners being unveiled at the White House,

[49:07] then it would have been a good, bad movie.

[49:09] Or even a movie I kind of liked, but it's not.

[49:11] Stuart.

[49:12] Yeah, I mean, I think we're all agreeing it's a bad, bad movie,

[49:16] and I feel like when I saw the trailers,

[49:18] I thought maybe this could be either a movie I kind of liked

[49:21] or maybe even a good, bad movie.

[49:23] But it feels like the entire movie was just cut to be trailers.

[49:27] Everything's so rapidly cut.

[49:29] It's just so bland.

[49:32] Yeah, it feels like they built the trailer first,

[49:34] and then they built the movie out of trailer parts.

[49:36] Yeah.

[49:38] So we have a sponsor again this week.

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[51:30] Yeah, why not? Come on, guys.

[51:33] There aren't enough of those out there, right?

[51:34] Pump up the jams.

[51:35] Not yet. There'll never be enough.

[51:36] Pump up the jams, as Dan said.

[51:38] Don't know how to apply.

[51:38] Straight from the ad copy.

[51:40] Yeah. Make sure you say pump up the jams in the ad. They'll understand.

[51:48] Pump up the jams.

[51:49] Anyway, Stuart, I believe you had something you wanted to say.

[51:51] Yeah. I know you guys are trying to put on a brave face,

[51:56] but we got to let everybody know that the Flop House is in trouble.

[52:00] We are coming up on our busy season, the summertime.

[52:05] And I don't know if you guys have been reading the paper, but

[52:09] local land developer Reginald Buxworth.

[52:12] No, that asshole.

[52:13] Yeah, that asshole.

[52:15] Brooklyn land developer Reginald Buxworth is planning on demolishing

[52:20] the Flop House to make way for some fucking condos or something.

[52:24] No, but that's where the kids hang out.

[52:25] And you know what I don't like about that Reginald Buxworth guy?

[52:28] His snootiness.

[52:29] He's the snootiest guy.

[52:31] And you know-

[52:32] Always wearing his white suit and driving around in the back of his Lincoln Town Car.

[52:35] We tried to do some bikinis optional jeep tours around Brooklyn, but it was just so expensive.

[52:41] And frankly, it's weird to drive and do a jeep tour around Brooklyn.

[52:44] Exactly.

[52:44] It's too slow.

[52:45] And when we said bikinis optional, too many people just chose not to wear a bikini and

[52:49] wore their normal clothes.

[52:51] And that was kind of a bummer.

[52:52] And the breakdance competition we thought would save it,

[52:54] we forgot and put Dan No Knees McCoy as our contestant.

[52:58] And I broke my dance.

[53:01] Oh boy.

[53:03] So you, the listeners, can actually help us save the Flop House,

[53:09] save the Flop House,

[53:12] by contributing.

[53:14] You need to go to astoymerchandise.com and buy a t-shirt that says the Flop House on it,

[53:21] has our faces, to show your support and show that you're standing up against snooty asswipes.

[53:25] Like Reginald Buxworth, the third.

[53:28] They're 25 bucks and it'll make you look like you are a courageous, brave, G.I.

[53:34] Joe-style human being.

[53:36] Wow.

[53:36] It's quite a lot of pressure to put on a t-shirt, but these t-shirts can hold up to it.

[53:41] But now, now that the business has been taken care of.

[53:44] And business is good.

[53:45] We can, okay, move on to a little interactive segment with you, the listener, that we call

[53:56] the Flop House.

[53:56] So we're going to sit around while you try and call in, I guess.

[54:00] We're outside your home.

[54:02] Unlock your door.

[54:03] We're coming in.

[54:04] No, this is letters from listeners.

[54:06] Oh, the letters segment.

[54:08] Phew, what a relief.

[54:10] It was only the letters, not Dan sexually harassing the listeners.

[54:15] Listeners write in, reprimand Dan.

[54:18] Dan can't do that.

[54:19] It's not okay.

[54:21] No means no, Dan.

[54:22] No means no.

[54:24] Even if that no is written in a letter from a listener harassed by Dan.

[54:31] Letters is brought to you by Dan's restraining order.

[54:35] Thank you, Elliot.

[54:36] If you see Dan, report him to a cop.

[54:40] This first letter, thank you for that, Foley.

[54:46] That James Foley.

[54:47] This is James Foley.

[54:51] That's not even a kid in the hall.

[54:54] This is titled, Spooktacular Flop House Dream.

[54:59] I like the pronunciation of that.

[55:01] Dear Dan and dudes, I kind of had a dream.

[55:07] I kind of had a dream that featured you guys last night.

[55:09] Creepy, right?

[55:11] The original Peaches, the house cat, and I had to spend a night in Dracula's house for

[55:15] a million dollars.

[55:15] Wait, so not Dracula's castle, his house?

[55:18] Was it like a bungalow?

[55:19] Literally, his next sentence, it wasn't a castle, it was a house.

[55:24] Like a ranch style?

[55:25] Yeah, it was an open floor ranch house, you know, Frank Lloyd Wright style.

[55:29] Dracula woke up and he was pretty angry.

[55:31] Wait, so we were spending the night, but Dracula didn't know we were there?

[55:37] I asked him what he dreamt about and he replied, sounding a lot like Elliot,

[55:41] Poison, as always.

[55:43] A spectacular melee ensued.

[55:45] How do you defeat Dracula?

[55:47] You put him in a sleeping bag and beat the shit out of him.

[55:50] Thanks for the laughs and the spookfully good bad dream.

[55:54] That's an anti-last name withheld from Finland.

[55:56] Well, thank you for listening and for dreaming about us, I guess,

[56:00] and having the single wussiest Dracula, I think, ever in history in your dream.

[56:06] So I like to think this is a retired Dracula living in like a house or something.

[56:10] Yeah, this is like the gay bat Dracula who's just...

[56:13] Oh, gay bat Dracula.

[56:14] Yeah.

[56:14] From...

[56:15] From Foodfight.

[56:16] I said gay bad Dracula and I don't know what that means.

[56:19] From Dracula...

[56:20] That's Frankenstein insulting Dracula.

[56:23] You mean Frankenstein's a monster.

[56:26] Dr. Frankenstein would run in fear from Dracula.

[56:30] Unless it's like Dr. Frankenstein is sitting there and he can insult Dracula

[56:33] because his monster's right behind him like a...

[56:35] Do you just call him Doc Frankenstein?

[56:36] Like you're like his intern or something?

[56:40] We'll check the tape later, but it's like a My Bodyguard type situation.

[56:43] Yeah, and Igor's like, Dr. Frankenstein, come on.

[56:49] Calling someone gay is an insult?

[56:50] That's no good.

[56:51] That's offensive.

[56:52] Yeah.

[56:53] Next, you're going to make fun of my hump.

[56:55] Yeah.

[56:55] Let's wrap.

[56:56] Mummy, can you talk about how Dr. Frankenstein has offended you today?

[57:01] Mummy says nothing.

[57:02] No, he doesn't.

[57:03] He does not talk.

[57:04] Only the voice of ages coming from his sandy mouth.

[57:07] He opens his mouth and just a bunch of steroids fly out.

[57:11] So I hope that answers your question that you didn't ask.

[57:15] What a mummy sounds like.

[57:17] So this next letter is titled, Everyone Needs a Second Chance.

[57:21] Dear Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello, you know who is who.

[57:25] We do, yeah.

[57:26] I'm 34 years old and have been a loyal listener to the Flop House for over 20 years.

[57:31] Your loyalty will be rewarded.

[57:33] I've never had...

[57:34] In the afterlife.

[57:35] I've never had the courage to send in a question,

[57:38] but fortune favors the seized day, so here goes.

[57:41] Is there a movie that you disliked on first viewing,

[57:43] but it had just enough to warrant a second viewing,

[57:45] and you subsequently came away from that viewing actually liking the movie?

[57:49] In my case, it was The Hobbit.

[57:50] I hated it the first time, but upon seeing it a second time, I enjoyed it.

[57:54] 15-minute singing and dishwashing sequence included.

[57:58] Sincerely, Jesse, last name withheld.

[58:01] Well, I'll speak real quickly about The Hobbit because I actually like it.

[58:05] I feel like that's a movie that definitely rewards seeing at home

[58:08] when you can just sit down and take pee breaks and whatnot.

[58:12] I feel like when all those movies,

[58:14] people seem to complain a lot about the length,

[58:15] but I feel like when all three of them are out

[58:18] or people can watch all three of them at home,

[58:21] people will just binge watch them like a fucking TV show

[58:23] and won't complain about how long they are anymore.

[58:26] To actually answer your question,

[58:28] I kind of felt that way about Scott Pilgrim.

[58:31] The first time I saw it, I didn't really like it,

[58:34] but second viewing, I liked it a lot.

[58:36] I would say the thing that came to mind when reading this

[58:41] is a movie that I actually liked the first time,

[58:43] but didn't love, and that was Miller's Crossing.

[58:47] The first time I saw it, it was enjoyable,

[58:51] but it felt very surfacy to me,

[58:53] and I, of course, didn't follow the plot

[58:56] because it's notoriously intricate,

[58:58] but the second time when I kind of knew all the ins and outs of it,

[59:03] I could focus on the levels of emotion

[59:06] that actually do exist in that movie,

[59:08] but aren't necessarily right on the surface,

[59:12] and now it's actually one of my most highly rated Coen Brothers movies.

[59:19] What about you?

[59:20] It's hard for me to think of one, but this is not quite the same,

[59:23] but I think I would say probably Dirty Dancing

[59:28] because when I watched it when I was younger, I did not like it,

[59:32] but it was a big favorite of my wife's when she was growing up,

[59:34] and she really likes it.

[59:36] You're watching it through her eyes now.

[59:37] Exactly, like seeing it through her eyes,

[59:38] I can see things in it that I didn't see before that are enjoyable,

[59:42] and there are things about it that like the 60s Jewish Borscht Belt

[59:47] at Adirondacks Resort locale,

[59:50] which I didn't know anything about when I was growing up.

[59:52] Knowing some of that history, I appreciate the movie a little bit more.

[59:56] You like it because you like history.

[59:58] Well, no, but it's a...

[1:00:00] that like where I can see like oh that I can understand I understand totally what

[1:00:03] the setting they were recreating and like what a good portrait it is of that

[1:00:07] type of place whereas when I was a kid I was like I don't know what they're doing

[1:00:10] where they're going so I don't like dancing let alone dirty dancing the

[1:00:14] cleaner the better please well I have to say like I'm not a particular fan of

[1:00:18] dirty dancing but having this having last summer gone to your house and

[1:00:24] watch it in your backyard projected on a sheet on a sheet for your wife's

[1:00:30] birthday I really enjoyed it in that context also seeing it I guess

[1:00:36] through your wife's eyes yeah I mean it helped me get over the fact that I hate

[1:00:39] that I had the time of my life song mm-hmm which also is forever associated

[1:00:44] my mind with Chuck E. Cheese because because you've had the time of your life

[1:00:47] with Chuck E. Cheese when I was a kid we would have birthdays at Chuck E. Cheese

[1:00:51] and it seemed they always played that song because I guess dirty dancing had

[1:00:54] just come out but you know anyway this next letter is titled the deep sigh

[1:00:59] cause or should I say dear smelly it can't killin Bewart Skellington and Dan

[1:01:05] macabre what is my scary name smelly unless it's the smell of a rotting

[1:01:11] corpse I don't understand this letter was written during Shocktober sorry Dan

[1:01:15] I couldn't remember your Shocktober moniker so I made one up I've noticed

[1:01:19] you all you often criticize the movie by saying it suffered from bad

[1:01:22] screenwriting rather than bad directing and vice-versa how do you make such a

[1:01:25] distinction is it based solely on poor dialogue or there are other indicators

[1:01:29] since this question is mostly aimed at Elliot whoo I've I've prepared additional

[1:01:35] questions for Dan and Stuart dancer as well Stuart what is the flap house house

[1:01:40] cats party drug cocktail of choice or is the house cat teetotaling a teetotaling

[1:01:46] Popeye's addict like Elliot Dan if you could eat any fake food from movie or

[1:01:51] television show what would you choose examples include slurm from Futurama

[1:01:56] Krabby Patties from SpongeBob SquarePants SpongeBob's mom SpongeBob or

[1:02:03] dehydrated SpongeBob or dehydrated Pizza Hut from Back to the Future part 2

[1:02:07] thanks keep up the good flopping sincerely Kate last name withheld yes I

[1:02:12] just wanted to mention that I like Dan suffer from a deep sigh affliction for

[1:02:16] years my parents bosses friends and teachers have thought I was expressing

[1:02:19] exasperation when I was actually just breathing I'm glad that us deep sires

[1:02:23] finally have Dan to bring awareness of a necessary deep sighing to the world so I

[1:02:28] guess you are entirely responsible for the substance of this letter and we so

[1:02:33] it's kind of how do you tell when it's bad writing or bad directing yeah I

[1:02:36] think it's not so much dialogue is maybe a part of it but like storytelling

[1:02:41] structure and how the plot moves or fits together or how the characters are

[1:02:45] developed is more seems like more of a writing thing the director affects that

[1:02:49] but that's more the underlying script whereas like the style of a movie like

[1:02:55] there could you can never a movie that makes no sense the characters really

[1:02:58] thin but the style is really cool and that's the good direction bad script or

[1:03:02] you could have a movie that's really blandly shot maybe the performances are

[1:03:06] not so strong it's not paced quite right but there's give me an example I'm

[1:03:12] thought my head it's hard it's hard to think of a movie that's well written and

[1:03:15] poorly directed because those tend to just come out bad anyway yeah like a bad

[1:03:20] there's an it's an old saying that I am NOT taking credit for that a good

[1:03:23] director can save a bad script but a badge a good writer cannot save a bad

[1:03:27] director that like the director has the final imprint and you're watching it

[1:03:32] it's a visual movie so a really stylish and well shot movie or well edited or

[1:03:37] excitingly paced movie that has a crappy script can still be enjoyable but it's

[1:03:41] rare for but a director can really sink a good script yeah I mean there's a lot

[1:03:45] of the a lot of these scripts that are on the what the blacklist or whatever

[1:03:49] yeah that end up being made into movies and end up being terrible yeah like a

[1:03:52] suspect zero was that was that the movie I know but like the beaver was one that

[1:03:57] was on one of those like a lot of those blacklist scripts maybe there's

[1:04:01] something in the script that you just doesn't come through that is that is

[1:04:04] mangled and in translation of the screen but uh but you can find sometimes there's

[1:04:09] like a really well-written scene in an otherwise not particularly interesting

[1:04:14] movie and I like to think that that's this a little bit of a better screenplay

[1:04:18] coming through but hard for me to come up with example off the top of my head

[1:04:21] okay to answer your question well I mean the house cat is a big beer guy he

[1:04:27] drinks a lot of beer and that's gonna catch up with them later in life when

[1:04:30] there's a silver bullet man oh well yeah I mean he likes cheap beer for a

[1:04:35] while he drank a lot of for loco when he was a pitch man for that product short

[1:04:40] lives yeah and he uh you know if he's going to bars and start parties yeah if

[1:04:44] he's a nut if he's at an you know he likes his his Jager bombs I was trying

[1:04:49] to speak of the parlance of yeah and if he's at an if he's at a nice dinner or a

[1:04:54] dinner party he usually drinks like an oyster stout okay seafood he's a cat you

[1:04:59] know and if I was going to eat any soylent green that's what I was gonna

[1:05:08] that's what you can have any movie food you'd have processed human corpses yeah

[1:05:15] I mean you have imaginary dessert from hook hold on maybe I would maybe I would

[1:05:23] have that lickable wallpaper from the Willy Wonka it's that you wouldn't

[1:05:30] because I imagine you were gonna say the sushi that was on the nude woman in

[1:05:33] Rising Sun imaginary food that's a food that exists I have trouble believing

[1:05:39] that actually exists so last letter it goes like that I took your no no it's

[1:05:46] fine as a joke not thinking you were gonna reveal you had a cannibal inside

[1:05:50] you no I mean the whole bit was gonna be that I didn't know it's what we green

[1:05:53] was yeah that would have taken time anyway keep moving so the next letter

[1:06:01] and last letter it goes like this hey floppers I've been going through your

[1:06:05] back catalog it's most impressive and I had a couple of phone number one do you

[1:06:12] know your multi-episode guest host an elite replacer Brock something Brock

[1:06:16] handlebar maybe no Brock Mahan handlebar when I first heard him on an

[1:06:23] old episode I was certain that mr. handlebar was actually Elliot doing a

[1:06:27] voice I figured that Elliot had picked the obviously fake name Brock so he

[1:06:31] could do some sort of bit where he finally got to act all manly but as the

[1:06:35] episode went on Brock didn't do anything particularly manly whoa I thought he

[1:06:39] might threaten to lift you up by your undies Dan or at least challenge Stuart

[1:06:42] to arm-wrestling maybe he talked about eating beef burgers but nothing Brock is

[1:06:47] actually a vegetarian too that's why did Elliot pick Brock handlebar if he wasn't

[1:06:51] going to use the opportunity to talk about doing wheelies and to steal Dan's

[1:06:54] computer lame I realized though when Brock returned that he probably isn't a

[1:06:59] character but then they made a movie about the clumps so even baffling

[1:07:03] characters get sequels who the takeaways are a tell Brock character man that he's

[1:07:10] a walking missed opportunity but that he can fix that still and be Elliot I

[1:07:13] think you'd sound like Brock if you wanted to you should stick with classic

[1:07:17] Elliot though number two thanks apparently Stuart sounding like Seth

[1:07:21] Rogen is a thing I don't see it what I have seen from the first episode I

[1:07:25] listen to is that we've established with the Brock Elliot comparison this person's

[1:07:29] ears do not work properly let a writer I apologize get your ears checked out

[1:07:35] that's fair you may have used a q-tip a little too far in the from the first

[1:07:39] episode I listened to is that Dan sounds like Martin star what a

[1:07:43] coincidence I think that you should push the idea read this letter that Elliot

[1:07:47] also sounds like Elliot also sounds like a freaks and geeks cast member then you

[1:07:53] guys could role-play for classic episodes or make up your own the obvious

[1:07:56] choice for Elliot is Franco I don't think James Franco Franco but he does

[1:08:01] not comfortable with that Sam Levine could work too

[1:08:03] this lovely person who wrote a letter and took the time to write us the mr.

[1:08:15] Magoo of listening anyway John last name withheld PS Dan you can read this part

[1:08:23] silently in your head you're my favorite flopper PPS dances I know that if you

[1:08:26] read this letter at all you will have read that last postscript out loud yeah

[1:08:29] my actual favorite flopper is when Elliot and Stewart team up to make fun

[1:08:33] of you to mix cartoon metaphors it's like a two-person Voltron teasing

[1:08:37] Leonardo sure it's like two kids one on the other shoulder is wearing a trench

[1:08:42] coat trying to sneak into an adult's party yeah always works Dan's party and

[1:08:47] we're just sneaking in to make fun of him yeah but we feel very sorry for your

[1:08:52] ear problems yeah get that checked out there you should probably stop listening

[1:08:55] to this podcast the earbuds that you have in your ears whoa don't be a see

[1:09:00] come on don't be a see what maybe use different headphones just imagine

[1:09:04] runners who walking down the street and the dog barks at them like that duck of

[1:09:08] yours it seems a little strange what it said quack quack clearly but thanks for

[1:09:15] all a buddy watch out

[1:09:18] thank you flying grandma I don't think so piano crushes him all of you for

[1:09:27] writing in but now is the last segment of the show what's that time I say the

[1:09:31] least popular segment recommendations of movies that we actually like it's the

[1:09:36] part where people turn off the podcast Stuart what's a movie you would like to

[1:09:43] recommend I'm gonna recommend the first Brian de Palma movie I ever saw and

[1:09:49] called snake it's called it was raising it is raising gain I was gonna recommend

[1:09:54] raising King partly I don't think it's actually the like really that great nor

[1:09:58] does it really fit that well

[1:10:00] It's fun. It's fun though. But it's fun and I think and John Lithgow plays a, I mean this is not a secret at all, but John Lithgow plays a guy with multiple personalities and I like seeing John Lithgow

[1:10:12] get to not just crazy but also kind of scary. Yeah, it's a very underused

[1:10:18] thing that John Lithgow can do is be scary. And I think the movie has a number of sequences that are genuinely creepy and tense and scary.

[1:10:26] So if you like a Brian De Palma thriller that's a little bit lower in his catalog and you like John Lithgow, I'd recommend giving it a chance.

[1:10:33] That was the movie I think where a guy saw it and he said, I gotta create a serial killer show, do like two okay seasons, then one really bad season with Jimmy Smits, and then do a season with that guy as a serial killer because he is creepy.

[1:10:48] Yeah. So I've seen... Net show? Game of Thrones. Not even the same channel. The Red Viper himself, Jimmy Smits. Yep, Senator Bail Organa, the Red Viper. Talk about missed opportunities.

[1:11:07] I've seen a few movies recently that I enjoyed. Give us your life story. You've been flying around a lot? No. He's been doing a lot of flight simulators while he watches movies. Honestly, it's been that my wife has been out of town a fair amount, so I've had more time to just waste on movies, but I watched Hell Baby, I enjoyed that. It's a very sloppy movie. Prequel to Hellboy. It's a very, very sloppy comedy.

[1:11:34] It's the one with the poster with the chick's cleavage, right? I don't know about that, but it feels like a bunch of sketch comedies thrown together. You're thinking of boobs the movie. I'm up for that. Heart bodies, right?

[1:11:46] It's a Tom Lennon and Robert Ben Grant movie, but not in their Night at the Museum mode, in their more crazy, zany, low-budget, scrappy mode. They both basically play two different Father Guido Sarducci's. It's about Rob Corddry and Leslie Bibb moving into a home, and Leslie Bibb has a devil baby inside her.

[1:12:14] And Keegan-Michael Key is very funny in it. He's probably the funniest part. Not a great movie, but fun. I also saw the new Godzilla, I enjoyed it, it was a lot of fun. But the movie I will recommend is a movie that needs no recommendation. So you're not recommending the other two movies? No. So why do they mention it? Like you've never done this before. But I say, I'm going to recommend two movies. I don't go, let me go through the other movies I saw that I'm not recommending. No, I said that I like those movies. Before I get to the recommendation, let me go through the other movies I saw. The thing is, he's giving you a taste, and then he's giving you a full meal. Why are you complaining?

[1:12:43] These are other movies you can see. Hell Baby was an amuse-bouche. Yeah, man. An amuse-baby. It's like we were watching Hannibal, man. Kinda, but we were watching four episodes when we thought we were only getting one episode. It's a supersized episode. Yeah, it's supersized and then it's four hours long. It's during that NBC period where they supersized episodes of Hannibal. And you're like, it's only 39 cents, I might as well watch it.

[1:13:10] There's kind of a story here for like five minutes more of Hannibal, but then they stretch it out with kind of unrelated gag scenes. Hannibal got in an elevator with a monkey, it's weird. Seems like a regular Hannibal plot. Nope, okay, he's eating the monkey, alright, maybe it is.

[1:13:32] So, the movie that I want to recommend is a movie that we've discussed here before and probably needs no recommendation for our fans, but I re-watched Videodrome. Great movie. The Dissolved did a lot of pieces on that recently that were all worth reading. Good stuff. Good site. It's a movie that's very prescient in a lot of ways, but what I actually kind of...

[1:13:55] Yeah, it totally predicted the trend of growing guns out of your hand and shoving videotapes in your belly.

[1:14:03] No, but there's a lot of talk about how it predicted growing fascination...

[1:14:08] It's a Rob Layfield character, right?

[1:14:11] Growing fascination with...

[1:14:13] His name's Blood Video.

[1:14:14] Living your life through screens with the internet, but for me, what was interesting watching it was actually not looking forward, but looking at the nostalgia to the period it was made and the way it was when I was growing up and cable was new and on the upper limits of the cable dial, you would find weird things that were on there just because people needed to fill air time.

[1:14:45] You would see something inexplicable.

[1:14:47] That would shock or frighten you or disgust you.

[1:14:51] During a time that now on the internet, you were moments away from something shocking and frightening and disgusting at any time. The weirdest stuff...

[1:15:00] Especially where we were.

[1:15:02] ...is all there, but at the time, the strange seediness of being able to stumble upon that is something that Videodrome captures beautifully, and that's what I kind of found most charming watching it again recently.

[1:15:15] But I think there's something comforting about the way that you can find terrible things on the internet, but you feel so connected, whereas back in the day, if you found some fucked up weird VHS tape that somebody's like, you should watch this weird black and white thing I have, you feel super alone and you can't turn to anyone.

[1:15:35] And you also may never find out what it is.

[1:15:38] Yes.

[1:15:40] You saw something young.

[1:15:42] You'd see something on cable young and you'd never find out what it was.

[1:15:45] What was that half-remembered thing?

[1:15:47] An image. It took me a long time to identify, having seen a little bit of the Julie Taymor movie Fool's Fire on PBS, and it's this creepy puppet movie.

[1:15:58] Oh, right. That's the adaptation of...

[1:16:00] Hoprock, I think. And for years, just didn't know what it was and just had the images from it in my head, and that one eventually I found out what it was thanks to the internet.

[1:16:10] But there are things, you could just stumble on something and see it and it'd be weirded out and be like, what? There wasn't even a TV Guide channel.

[1:16:17] The TV Guide only covered some channels and not all of them. You just end up not knowing what the hell you saw.

[1:16:24] It's kind of like how there are those little clips of public access shows and being there, and you're like, well, never going to find out what that was.

[1:16:30] This guy just yelling martial arts chants.

[1:16:34] That's why I remember loving that show Night Flight, which was just a bunch of weird public domain clips and old private stampoo cartoons and stuff like that, where it's just like,

[1:16:46] okay, well, this was basically the internet at that time, except for you weren't overloaded with that shit.

[1:16:53] So if something was weird, it carried that much more impact, because you're like, what the hell is this? I have no context to put this in.

[1:17:01] Was it my turn, or do you have eight more movies?

[1:17:04] No, that's it.

[1:17:06] Anyway, Videodrome's a good movie.

[1:17:08] Don't wait until you're done. You're angry and then you're like, but I have to admit Videodrome.

[1:17:11] No, it's a great movie. I didn't want to use a preamble.

[1:17:14] So I watched about five movies recently, and first I'll talk about the ones I didn't like.

[1:17:20] Oh boy, you always recommend three movies.

[1:17:23] I'm going to recommend one movie this time.

[1:17:25] I'm going to recommend a spaghet western from 1969 in the United States, I think it was earlier in Italy, with Lee Van Cleef called Death Rides a Horse.

[1:17:37] You may have seen it. It's one that I knew the music from for a long time, but had not actually seen.

[1:17:44] You'll recognize the main theme if you watch it from Kill Bill, because it's used in that.

[1:17:49] But this guy opens with the kind of scene I don't like, which is women being assaulted by bandits.

[1:17:57] But that is the origin story of this kid who sees his family killed and attacked by bandits, but each one of them—

[1:18:04] Like Silent Night, Deadly Night?

[1:18:06] You know, except each one of them has either an earring or a necklace that's very identifiable.

[1:18:12] One has a tattoo on his chest, and he remembers them, and he grows up to be a great gunfighter, and he's going to track down each of these men and kill them.

[1:18:20] At the same time, Lee Van Cleef, who was a bandit who was betrayed by his gang, is out for revenge, and it seems the two of them want revenge on the same men.

[1:18:29] So they're both hunting the same people, but also in conflict with each other because both want to be the ones who take out these guys.

[1:18:36] It's one of those Spaghetti Westerns where they gain a grudging respect for each other and take turns basically leaving the other one in the desert to fend for himself.

[1:18:46] And it ends with a really big action scene at the end. There's a lot of good smaller action scenes. Lee Van Cleef is totally awesome in it.

[1:18:53] And it's got a great Neil Morricone score, so you can't go wrong with it.

[1:18:56] Death rides a horse.

[1:18:58] Playing at?

[1:19:00] Wherever you decide to rent it.

[1:19:02] Wherever you decide to rent it.

[1:19:04] It's rated.

[1:19:06] PG? I don't know. Do they have ratings?

[1:19:10] General audiences?

[1:19:12] So we watched one of the most nothing movies we've ever watched, and I think this is probably the longest we've ever gone.

[1:19:19] By far. Wow.

[1:19:21] Body slam.

[1:19:23] Apologies, audience.

[1:19:25] Go Joe, I guess. G.I. Joe, that is.

[1:19:27] Hopefully you've already stopped and moved on with your life.

[1:19:30] Hopefully you got through the giraffe intelligence Joe bit at the very beginning of the episode.

[1:19:35] If you did.

[1:19:37] You decided to throw away your podcast listening equipment and hug your child instead. Live your life, man. Go out there. Go and fall in love.

[1:19:46] Why are we making this episode longer?

[1:19:47] I'm sorry.

[1:19:49] We've been The Flophouse.

[1:19:52] Playing at? Here.

[1:19:54] But not? There.

[1:19:56] Starring? Me, Dan McCoy.

[1:19:59] And me.

[1:20:00] Stuart Wellington, and you, Elliot Kaelin. Good night, everybody.

[1:20:11] Dan McCoy's robots. They're sexy robots with butts. So like this vodka robot?

[1:20:17] Yeah, basically. And all the robots are somebody's wife, so it's extra sexy.

[1:20:22] All the robots in that like art book from the 80s that was always in like...

[1:20:27] Your Suriyama art book? Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

[1:20:30] Like that Aerosmith cover. There's that one painter who does just sexy robots.

[1:20:34] Yeah, his name is Bors Vallejo. No, it's not. Bors Vallejo does fantasy paintings.

[1:20:39] Uh, my fantasy. Are you saying that those sexy robots aren't a fantasy?

[1:20:42] I'm saying he does strapping muscular men wearing tiny underpants with swords in their hands.

[1:20:48] With the ladies clanging to their... Exactly. Or sexy ladies fighting dragons,

[1:20:52] much like the art of his wife, Julie Bell. Accentuated pubesces.

[1:20:58] Isn't that the name of your band? Stuart Wellington and the Accentuated Pubesces.

[1:21:03] This is Sensual Pubesces.

The Flop House: Episode #153 - G.I. Joe: Retaliation

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