The Flop House: Episode #154 - I, Frankenstein

Dan McCoy

[0:00] No normal human could have a jawline that ridiculous.

[0:04] We discuss I, Frankenstein.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:36] Hey Dan McCoy. Right over there is Elliot Kalin.

Elliott Kalan

[0:39] Hey buddy, thanks for naming me.

[0:41] And you know who just said my name and said hi to Dan McCoy was Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] Stuart Wellington and the three of us make the Flophouse podcast.

[0:49] You are confusing new listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[0:50] It's like Voltron, but instead of a giant robot made out of lion parts, we just talk about bad movies.

Stuart Wellington

[0:58] It's a terrible way to make a robot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00] Lion parts.

[1:01] Talk to Dr. Voltron, the inventor of Voltron.

Dan McCoy

[1:04] It's horrible.

[1:05] Well you already explained what the deal is.

[1:09] Watch a bad movie.

[1:10] I guess we can go.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12] You know what a professional host would do is just keep moving and not mention that I just did that.

Dan McCoy

[1:17] Well you were taking a drink of water and I didn't know what to fill the extra time with.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21] The next part of the podcast.

[1:23] Wait, which is?

[1:24] Us telling the people what the movie is that we watch.

Dan McCoy

[1:26] That's right.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27] So we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[1:29] Yes.

[1:30] The movie we watched was.

Dan McCoy

[1:30] Dan, what movie was it?

[1:32] I, comma, Frankenstein.

Elliott Kalan

[1:35] Wait, you Frankenstein?

[1:36] Me, Jane.

[1:37] Explained so much.

[1:38] The way that your head and your body are not quite in proportion because they came from different

[1:42] corpses.

[1:43] Your total lack of ability to say things properly because you have a dead man's tongue thrown into your mouth.

[1:47] These are all accurate things.

[1:47] Very insulting.

[1:49] And no creature born of God's work would have so little personality.

[1:58] Okay, well.

[1:59] That was the most.

Stuart Wellington

[1:59] Goodbye, everybody.

[2:01] This was goblin-y laugh, Stuart.

Dan McCoy

[2:02] Anyway.

[2:03] I'm going to talk now and leave the podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[2:05] Oh, no.

[2:07] Head to Antarctica to fight elder things.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] Yes, Dan's.

[2:10] No.

[2:10] Well, one Frankenstein's monster went to the Arctic.

Stuart Wellington

[2:13] Not Antarctica?

[2:15] Not the Arctic.

[2:16] To fight giant penguins.

Elliott Kalan

[2:18] Yeah.

[2:18] That say tickly-ly or whatever it is.

[2:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:22] So we watched a movie starring Aaron Eggard.

[2:26] And now we're going to talk about it.

[2:28] Yeah.

[2:29] Elliot.

[2:29] Wait.

[2:30] So before we talk about it, I want to say that this is one of those.

[2:33] Slow it down more.

[2:35] Pump the brakes, guys.

[2:37] Because this is one of those movies that when I saw the trailer.

[2:42] When it was announced, you said this is going to be the best movie ever.

[2:44] This is.

[2:45] Immediately, I'm like, I'm going to get to see this movie.

[2:47] I can't wait.

[2:48] And my wife's like, we're going to go see this in the movie theater.

[2:50] I'm like, no, no, no.

[2:52] I'm going to wait until I can see it with my buddies.

[2:55] We the Flophouse.

[2:57] Oh, very nice.

Dan McCoy

[2:57] We Flophouse.

[2:59] I like how you paused there.

[3:00] Because it could have been other buddies of yours.

[3:01] Yeah.

[3:02] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[3:04] Yeah.

[3:04] They didn't want to go see it.

[3:05] Yeah.

[3:06] He's not going to go see this with Justin.

Dan McCoy

[3:07] Come on.

[3:07] Right.

Stuart Wellington

[3:08] Shout out to Justin.

[3:09] Or Todd.

[3:11] Or Chip.

[3:12] Or Moose.

[3:14] Or Jughead.

[3:16] Are you hanging out with the Riverdale gang?

Elliott Kalan

[3:18] They'll have me.

[3:20] I wanted to go see it with Jughead, but he's too busy eating an enormous amount of food.

[3:22] At Pop's Chocolate Shop.

Dan McCoy

[3:25] I had to go with Mr. Weatherby.

Elliott Kalan

[3:27] And he was no fun.

[3:28] And he was just doing the popcorn trick on Miss Grundy the whole time.

[3:33] Those two were having sex, right?

[3:34] I have to assume it.

Stuart Wellington

[3:36] Why does he have to use the popcorn trick then?

[3:38] I mean, I guess he'd need to spice things up.

[3:40] To spice it up.

Dan McCoy

[3:41] And it was spicy jalapeno popcorn.

Stuart Wellington

[3:42] Wait, hold on.

[3:43] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[3:43] That is a terrible choice.

Stuart Wellington

[3:44] They're surprising things up.

Dan McCoy

[3:45] Like he's role-playing a stranger who's tricking her into sexually blushing.

[3:50] Yeah.

[3:50] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[3:50] The stranger, he's going to be Archie.

[3:53] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] Yeah.

[3:54] Well, that's the thing.

[3:55] They would play...

[3:56] Miss Grundy and Mr. Weatherby would play a role-playing game where he was Archie and she

[4:01] was Reggie.

[4:02] Oh, weird.

[4:03] And they were experiencing forbidden love.

[4:05] It's called Slash Fiction, Dan.

[4:07] All right.

[4:07] Thanks.

[4:08] But they also did another one where she was Jughead because they had the same face and

[4:12] different hair.

[4:12] And he was a hamburger.

[4:14] Exactly.

[4:15] And he would lie there on a bed in a hamburger suit going, oh, I hope Jughead doesn't eat

[4:19] me all up.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] Just like how hamburgers do.

Elliott Kalan

[4:22] Yeah.

[4:22] And Miss Grundy would be wearing that crown hat that Jughead has.

[4:25] I mean, it's a crown.

[4:26] It's pretty obvious.

[4:27] And you do the math.

[4:28] You know what happens next.

Dan McCoy

[4:29] And Mr. Weatherby always was trying to get her to do one where he was Betty and she

[4:33] was Veronica and they were forgetting about Archie, but she thought that was too weird.

[4:37] Yeah.

[4:37] Too weird.

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:38] But anyway, I Frankenstein is a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:41] So let me get past our Archie porn for a second.

[4:44] I Frankenstein is the story of Frankenstein's monster, who, as you may remember from the

[4:49] original Mary Shelley novel, lives for 200 years and fights demons.

[4:55] Wait.

[4:55] No.

[4:55] I don't recall that part.

[4:57] They made it pretty clear in the movie that right after he buries his creator, Dr.

[5:01] Frankenstein, another scene that's not in the book, because I guess Mary Shelley is applied.

[5:05] Yeah, he buries him in this Antarctic chapel or some shit.

[5:09] So it picks up kind of vaguely where the novel leaves off, where Dr. Frankenstein is hunting

[5:16] the monster in the Arctic.

[5:18] But in this version, the doctor dies and the monster, having pity on him, I guess, buries

[5:24] him in, yeah, this ruined...

[5:25] Like Scandinavia, I guess.

[5:26] ...this ruined cathedral in the middle of the Arctic.

[5:28] It doesn't really make sense.

[5:29] Yeah, it's gotta be...

[5:30] Unless he, like, he was just carrying Dr. Frankenstein for hundreds or maybe thousands of miles.

[5:35] But, uh...

Dan McCoy

[5:36] I mean, he's super strong.

[5:38] He uses that super strong power later on to fight demons.

[5:41] That's true.

[5:41] I'm sure he can carry one human doctor.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] Yeah, he's like a sack of potatoes.

[5:44] You have to imagine, like, a day into that, he'd be like, you know what, why don't I just

[5:47] leave this here?

[5:48] Yeah.

[5:48] And I'll go about my business.

[5:49] Burial at sea now.

[5:50] Yeah.

[5:50] Burial at ice.

Dan McCoy

[5:52] Have fun, uh, being eaten by lobsters, Dad.

[5:57] That's what he would say as he throws Dr. Frankenstein in the ocean.

Elliott Kalan

[5:59] And Dr. Frankenstein, even though Dad is like, well, the lobster is Miss Grundy in a costume,

[6:05] right?

[6:06] Yeah.

[6:07] And Frankenstein's monster's like, what?

[6:09] I don't know.

[6:10] What are you talking about?

[6:11] Now, just for the sake of convenience, because we're going to be saying the name a lot,

[6:15] I'm going to set aside the rule, and I'm going to say Frankenstein to mean the monster,

[6:22] and not just the doctor, because it's going to get irritating if I keep saying Frankenstein's

[6:26] monster.

Stuart Wellington

[6:26] Why don't you go home by the name that's given to him by the queen of the gargoyles?

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Because we haven't gotten to that part yet.

[6:30] So Frankenstein the monster buries his creator, and that attracts the attention of a bunch

[6:36] of gargoyles who are...

[6:38] A bunch of demons.

[6:38] Oh, a bunch of demons, I'm sorry.

[6:39] A bunch of man demons, and the way demons are presented in this movie, they are...

Stuart Wellington

[6:43] It's literally like the very end of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein.

[6:47] You close the book, you're like, oh man, that was a great story.

[6:50] Where could that go?

[6:51] Immediately goes to a demon.

Elliott Kalan

[6:52] Yeah, well, you may remember that Mary Shelley's Frankenstein was designed to be like an episode

[6:56] of True Blood.

[6:57] So the next episode picks up literally as the last one ends.

Stuart Wellington

[7:00] Yeah, it's two people who are having sex, and then one person explodes in blood.

Elliott Kalan

[7:04] And you may remember also that the end of the book, and this was very controversial at the

[7:07] time, ends with the end, dot dot dot, or was it, question mark.

[7:12] And then a page that says, Frankenstein's monster will return in You Only Live Twice.

Dan McCoy

[7:18] Monsters are forever.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] Oh, I would love that.

[7:21] You know what?

[7:22] That's beautiful.

[7:23] If there's not a children's book called Monsters Are Forever, I'd like it to be.

Dan McCoy

[7:26] You're gonna get a tattoo that says Monsters Are Forever on you.

Elliott Kalan

[7:28] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[7:28] And it's gonna be like one of those super deformed, cute caricatures of Frankenstein's

[7:32] monster giving two thumbs up.

[7:36] Anyway, so these demons appear.

[7:38] And the demons are basically people with monster heads.

[7:41] Yeah.

[7:42] And when you kill them, they burst into the planet.

[7:43] Or monster masks that they occasionally put on over their faces.

Stuart Wellington

[7:47] Or like normal faces in one monster hand.

Elliott Kalan

[7:50] Yeah, now, I mentioned when we were watching this that the monsters look less like movie

[7:54] characters or scary monsters and more like the villains from like Are You Afraid of the

[7:59] Dark episodes.

[7:59] Like a kid's show version of a demon.

Dan McCoy

[8:01] Or like a monster bobblehead.

[8:03] That's how its proportionate.

[8:04] Yeah, because their heads are just kind of a little too big.

Elliott Kalan

[8:06] They all look like they're wearing kind of like Mardi Gras costume heads of monsters.

Stuart Wellington

[8:09] Or maybe like demons in like Buffy or one of those shows.

[8:13] Hey.

[8:14] Hey.

[8:15] Okay, sorry.

[8:17] I didn't watch that much Buffy.

[8:18] But that's what I would imagine they'd look like.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] Yeah, exactly.

[8:21] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[8:22] Don't be so sensitive.

[8:24] Basically, as Elliot put it, if we switched over to the sci-fi channel and we saw these

[8:28] demons, we'd be like, oh, okay, those look right.

Elliott Kalan

[8:30] This is a sci-fi channel original movie level of production design.

[8:34] Yeah.

[8:35] Effects for the most part.

[8:36] There's just more of them.

[8:37] But anyway, so these demons approach the monster and they start fighting him for whatever

[8:42] reason and a bunch of angel people who call themselves.

Stuart Wellington

[8:45] By the way, immediately stop calling him Frankenstein and start calling him the monster.

Elliott Kalan

[8:49] I can use synonyms.

[8:51] The same way that sometimes I'll say Stuart and sometimes I'll say Mr. Wellington.

[8:55] Or the monster.

[8:56] Sometimes I'll say the monster.

[8:58] Yeah, exactly.

[8:59] Or Boy Phantasm.

Dan McCoy

[9:02] Boy Phantasm?

[9:04] Boy Phantasm, the pool hustler who loves Don Coscarelli.

[9:08] You'll love his balls.

Elliott Kalan

[9:11] He only plays with his own pool billiard balls that are silver and occasionally drill in people's

[9:15] heads and shoot their blood out.

[9:18] So now...

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] I gotta warn you.

[9:20] I play a good game.

[9:22] Boy.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] So the demons show up.

[9:28] Then the gargoyles, which are basically angels that turn into gargoyles that fly around.

[9:33] They're 100% angels that turn into gargoyles.

Dan McCoy

[9:37] The only reason they are not just angels is the guy...

[9:41] Someone in production was like, it'd be cooler if they look like gargoyles.

[9:45] I guess so.

[9:45] Okay, let's just make them angel gargoyles.

[9:47] Because those are basically the same thing.

Elliott Kalan

[9:49] And the characters who are demons, the characters who are gargoyle angels, change back and forth...

[9:53] Gargangels.

[9:54] Gargangels.

[9:55] Change back and forth between their human and mystic forms at random.

[9:59] In the middle of a fight, they'll go from gargoyle to human and back.

[10:02] And the only reason I could come up with was that the characters understand the limits of the movie's budget and how many effects shots have been paid for.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] Because otherwise, just stay in one form, dudes.

[10:12] Because you would say that maybe they change so they can emote more, but there's a lot of times where they just cut to a gargoyle's rocky visage,

[10:20] like nodding sagely at Frankenstein, chopping the shit out of some demons.

Elliott Kalan

[10:25] Or they cut to a human face, showing no visible emotion whatsoever, because the actors aren't very good.

[10:30] But so the angels, the gargoyles, because they only refer to themselves as gargoyles,

[10:34] they save the monster and kidnap him, basically, right?

[10:38] And they belong to what's called the Order of the Gargoyles, which is just angels.

[10:42] And they're fighting a secret war against demons.

[10:44] They have a special symbol that's, what, a cross with three slashes on it?

[10:48] Three slashes because their Jesus, I guess, had six arms.

[10:51] He's Dr. Octo-Jesus.

Stuart Wellington

[10:53] Yeah, some Martian Jesus.

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] Yeah, Dr. Octo-Christ, who has six arms and two legs.

[10:58] Or Martian Jesus, yeah.

[11:00] Which is a good name for a band.

[11:02] But anyway, they explain that there's this long-running war between devils and angels, gargoyles.

[11:09] And the big evil demon, whose name was what?

[11:12] Niberius?

[11:13] Niberius.

[11:14] Niberius wants Frankenstein's...

[11:15] Yeah, it's taken straight out of the Bible, dude.

[11:17] Yeah, is it?

[11:18] Niberius wants the monster for some reason they don't understand.

[11:24] Yeah.

[11:25] It's because he's a magic monster dude.

[11:28] Well, we find out why later.

[11:29] But it's pretty obvious it's because he's a magic monster dude of some kind.

[11:32] They sell the monster to join them.

[11:35] The monster instead takes two magic weapons that are basically just gloves with silver...

[11:40] Just big sticks and goes off to wander the wilderness for 200 years doing nothing but practicing his stick play on cliff tops.

Dan McCoy

[11:49] And in a movie with a bunch of stupid looking fancy weapons, I think it's particularly funny that they thought like...

[11:55] That he picks the dumbest?

[11:56] Yeah.

[11:57] I'll just have like these things that are basically just two pipes.

[12:00] Like pipes you'd pick out of a junkyard that you'd beat people with.

Stuart Wellington

[12:06] Yeah, when he took him, the gargoyles were like, really?

[12:09] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[12:10] He is one step away from just beating people to death with a tire iron.

Stuart Wellington

[12:14] And I love that...

[12:15] I mean...

[12:15] An actor who looks so much like Christopher Lambert has to have a couple shots of him like practicing his kata on the top of a mountain.

Dan McCoy

[12:23] With long hair and like a hooded robe.

[12:25] Well, as I said, like his outfit in this movie is him wearing an overcoat over a hoodie with little hobo gloves on.

[12:36] So I guess having two pipes as his weapon just really completes the idea of like this is like a homeless vigilante.

Elliott Kalan

[12:43] He's a blend in, dude.

[12:45] It's hobo with a shotgun if that was Frankenstein.

[12:47] Yeah.

[12:47] But also, this movie was probably originally I, hobo.

[12:50] And like they couldn't get the rights to hobos.

[12:53] So they said, what's in the public domain?

[12:55] Oh, Frankenstein.

[12:56] Oh, we are not going to do it I, Huck Finn?

[12:58] No, no, we'll make it Frankenstein.

Stuart Wellington

[12:59] And they couldn't do a Gargoyles the Animated Series spin-off.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] No, but I guess Disney wouldn't let the license go because they want to do that Avengers Gargoyles crossover.

[13:09] And they're like, well, you can't copyright the idea of a gargoyle.

[13:13] Take that lawsuit to 17th century France, my good man.

[13:20] So the monster has refused to join the gargoyles.

[13:23] But then one day in the woods, a bunch of demons attack him.

[13:26] And he decides it's now his mission to hunt down and kill all the demons before they can hunt him.

[13:30] He walks to civilization.

[13:32] Yeah, he won't do it for good reasons.

Dan McCoy

[13:34] He'll do it for revenge, though.

[13:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] He walks to civilization, which is represented by a kind of England-y, Canadian-y, French, German town.

[13:43] Eastern European.

[13:44] European.

[13:44] And all we know is this town has one nightclub, a public transit train system, a kind of university-type building with a lab in it, an old cathedral, and a shitload of abandoned buildings.

[13:57] Like, for all we know, this is Detroit because no one seems to live there.

[14:01] Yeah.

[14:01] And half the buildings are just rotten.

[14:02] And there's gargoyles all over the place.

Dan McCoy

[14:04] And there's gargoyles like crazy, just like Detroit.

[14:06] Yeah.

[14:06] As you pointed out, and it took me a while to realize this, but it's totally true.

[14:10] Internet Card's character would totally blend into Detroit.

[14:12] Other.

Elliott Kalan

[14:12] Yeah, because he's a screwed-up-looking guy dressed like a hobo.

Dan McCoy

[14:16] Other than the scene where we go to the club, Dr. Frankenstein at the beginning, and then like the love interest lady.

[14:23] And her co-worker.

[14:24] There are no non-supernatural characters in this movie.

[14:28] Like, none.

[14:28] The streets are empty.

Elliott Kalan

[14:30] Anytime.

[14:30] There are almost no extras in the entire movie.

[14:33] And anytime there's a street scene, the streets are just empty and full of smoke.

[14:37] Yeah.

[14:37] And it's like, it's kind of like this is taking place in a corner of Dark City, you know.

Dan McCoy

[14:41] If you ever see extras, those extras are either gargoyles or demons.

Stuart Wellington

[14:45] And anytime the stakes are described, it's always, well, we can't let the demons wipe out all the gargoyles and humanity.

[14:55] Yeah.

[14:56] Because there's a moment where you're like, well, they're just gargoyle monsters.

[14:59] Oh, I guess there are three people that live there.

Dan McCoy

[15:01] Yeah, that's why they're not worried about humanity.

[15:05] It's like an I Am Legend situation.

[15:07] Like, there's that one guy.

Elliott Kalan

[15:08] And we also find out later that the heroes lair and the villains lair are down the street from each other.

Stuart Wellington

[15:13] You find out that one guy you thought was a human was just like a mummy or some shit.

[15:17] Like, or a creature from the Black Lagoon.

Elliott Kalan

[15:20] What are you talking about?

Stuart Wellington

[15:23] We're saying the three humans that live in town.

Elliott Kalan

[15:25] You're like, oh, they're all...

[15:26] Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if one turned out to be an alien and one was a robot.

[15:29] And the other was like a mouse that had a spell cast on him.

[15:35] But this movie...

[15:36] So it's conceivable that this epic battle between good and evil is happening in like an abandoned, run-down neighborhood in Montreal somewhere.

[15:43] But the point is, his going after the demons is getting the gargoyles mad.

[15:49] Because as the queen of the gargoyles tells him, this war must be fought in the shadows.

[15:54] Now, why?

[15:55] There's no people to see it anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[15:57] The CGI looks less crappy.

Elliott Kalan

[15:59] In the light, the CGI doesn't look as good.

[16:02] Now, here's something I never understood about these movies.

[16:05] Okay.

[16:05] How come this...

[16:06] What are these movies, by the way?

[16:07] Epic battles between good and evil that happen in the shadows of our world.

[16:10] Your underworlds, your legions...

[16:12] Your undersworlds, your legions, your night's watch, that kind of stuff.

[16:15] Sure.

[16:16] How come the battle has to be fought in the shadows?

[16:19] You'd think...

[16:20] So, if these angels and demons are fighting each other, this means this is the organizing metaphysical principle of the universe.

[16:27] That there is a god, there is a devil, there is pure good and pure evil, and they are fighting for the fate of mankind.

[16:32] So why does it have to be a secret?

[16:35] The same way in RIPD, it's like ghosts are always trying to catch ghosts that are escaping hell.

[16:40] But we can't let mortals know about it.

[16:42] Well, why not?

[16:42] I don't understand.

[16:43] Yeah.

[16:43] What's going to happen that's so bad?

[16:45] Why can't they know?

[16:46] Maybe they could help you.

[16:47] Like, what would be better in your fight against demons than if you had, like, an army of marines armed with your magic weapons that could just fight a bunch of demons,

[16:55] since the demons seem to have no powers other than having goofy monster faces?

Dan McCoy

[16:58] And I'll trump your metaphysical problem, which is with something that I also mentioned during the movie,

[17:06] which is, in these movies about a grand fight between good and evil,

[17:11] there's always the implication that there is some sort of god figure here.

[17:16] Some organizing principle.

[17:17] And if that's true, why does this all-powerful god, and maybe this is just a problem with religion in general,

[17:23] why does this all-powerful god need a bunch of foot soldiers to, like, fist fight against bad guys?

[17:28] Because it looks awesome.

Elliott Kalan

[17:29] You might as well ask Dan, why is there evil then, at all, if there's an all-powerful god?

[17:34] And I would point you to Time Bandits, and Ralph Richardson says something about good and evil, or something about free will, I suppose.

[17:41] That's as good an answer as anyone's ever going to come up with.

[17:44] So thank you, Terry Gilliam, for doing that.

Dan McCoy

[17:46] No thank you for Brothers Grimm.

[17:49] At least that movie treats that as a joke, though.

Elliott Kalan

[17:52] Yeah, but it's a joke that has a meaning to it.

[17:55] Yeah, it has meaning.

[17:56] Something about free will.

Stuart Wellington

[17:57] I mean, I think there's two possible answers to your question.

Dan McCoy

[18:00] It applies to humans.

[18:02] The evil that humans do has to do with free will.

Elliott Kalan

[18:05] I believe what you're going to say is the evil that men do lives on and on.

[18:09] The evil that men do lives on and on.

[18:12] All right.

[18:13] Oh, wow.

[18:13] The evil.

[18:14] You can hit the high notes.

[18:15] I cannot hit the high notes.

Dan McCoy

[18:17] I'm just saying that, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:19] There's a reason that my Iron Maiden cover band, Fear of the Dark, did not get off the ground.

[18:24] Exactly.

[18:25] It's all bass?

[18:27] No.

Dan McCoy

[18:28] Free will.

[18:29] You're doing ferritone?

[18:30] Free will creates evil in humanity.

[18:32] But if you're talking about creatures of pure good and pure evil, as I believe that this movie posits,

[18:39] then why can't God just come in and fucking smite those?

[18:41] Yeah, there's nothing more good than a flying gargoyle with a magic axe thing.

Elliott Kalan

[18:44] Then here's this.

[18:45] Then I would say this is a world where God has created and then left.

[18:49] A deist universe.

[18:51] A deist universe, yeah.

[18:53] Where there's a Kathy Griffin running it.

[18:57] That explains it.

[18:59] Yeah, the creation of life on the D-list.

[19:01] Yeah.

[19:01] So anyway, moving on with the movie, because the reason this movie exists...

Dan McCoy

[19:05] No, no, let's talk about questions of philosophy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] I would love to.

[19:09] But we've got to talk about fucking I, Frankenstein.

[19:11] Because that's the modus operandi of this podcast.

Stuart Wellington

[19:15] Or else we're going to get people up in arms burning us an effigy that we don't talk about the movie.

Dan McCoy

[19:22] Yeah, it happens.

[19:23] People complain about it.

[19:24] I would love if this podcast created so much fashion that someone burned us an effigy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] I think that's kind of a monkey's paw wish, and I don't want you to make it.

[19:33] I think that sounds better in your head than it does in real life.

[19:36] All right.

Dan McCoy

[19:36] Fair enough.

Elliott Kalan

[19:38] Actually, you know what?

[19:38] Just give me that monkey's paw.

[19:39] I don't trust you with it.

Dan McCoy

[19:40] No, I was going to wish for unlimited wishes.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] No, but they all turn bad.

[19:44] Oh.

Stuart Wellington

[19:46] Anyway.

[19:46] I was going to wish that the fingers curl up in a special way so it leaves with one middle finger up so I can sass people with my monkey's paw.

Elliott Kalan

[19:55] Like, sure, all the wishes blew back on me in an ironic way, but take a look at this.

[19:59] You just drive down the street holding the monkey's paw out the window.

Stuart Wellington

[20:02] That guy's flipping me off with his one weird monkey hand.

[20:05] Wait a minute.

[20:06] He's just holding that.

[20:07] He pulled it into his shirt sleeve.

[20:08] That monkey's flipping me off.

Dan McCoy

[20:09] Stuart, don't you want to use that last wish?

[20:11] No, that's the middle finger wish.

[20:13] You've got to keep that one.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] So anyway, gargoyles are fighting demons.

[20:19] The demons are led by Bill Nighy.

[20:21] The science guy.

[20:22] The science guy.

[20:24] Yep.

[20:25] So let's just say one thing about this movie.

[20:27] Aside from Aaron Eckhart, everybody is like a British or English Commonwealth actor, it seems.

[20:33] And this movie seems like less of a movie and more of like some kind of UK government welfare program to distribute subsidies to English actors in exchange for spouting shitty exposition dialogue in movies.

[20:45] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:46] Because it's, this is.

[20:47] It's called elevating the material.

Elliott Kalan

[20:49] It's exhibit A of we're going to hire British actors so that when they're talking about the, I'm going to, so that when they talk about I've collected thousands of corpses so that we can bring them back with electricity and then put demon souls in them.

[21:02] You're like, that sounds reasonable.

[21:03] This doesn't sound goofy as all get out because an English guy is saying it.

[21:07] I will say elevating the material.

[21:08] And this is the one moment that justifies the movie's existence is there's a moment where Bill Nighy responds skeptically to somebody by raising a single eyebrow.

[21:17] And it is beautiful the way he does it.

[21:19] It is just the right blend of acting talent and camp inherent comedy.

[21:27] I love that guy.

Dan McCoy

[21:29] I'm sad that he's spent so much time in these sorts of movies.

Stuart Wellington

[21:32] I'd love to see an aging Bill Nighy play.

[21:36] You mean Bill Nighy.

[21:36] He is aging already.

[21:38] Yeah.

[21:39] Well, him playing Dr. Frankenfurter in the regular picture show.

[21:43] Oh, that would be great.

Elliott Kalan

[21:43] What if they did like the Rocky Horror Picture Show 20 Years Later reunion and it's those characters later.

[21:48] I mean, I know they all die at the end.

[21:50] I mean, that sounds like a Goonies sequel.

[21:52] I don't want to see that.

Dan McCoy

[21:53] Hey, let's all meet up here in 30 years.

Elliott Kalan

[21:55] Let's meet up at the place where the house was.

[21:58] Let's meet up at the place where our lives were destroyed.

Dan McCoy

[22:01] And Magenta took the house up into space.

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] Riff Raff and Magenta are on the planet Transylvania.

[22:08] Yeah.

[22:08] And they're like, hey, whatever happened to Brad and Janet?

[22:11] And they just decide to go back and find out.

[22:14] Just hang out.

[22:15] It's like the big...

[22:16] Just chill.

[22:18] It's the Rocky Horror Big Chill Show.

[22:19] Yeah.

[22:21] Oh, man.

[22:21] And they dance to Motown classics.

Dan McCoy

[22:23] This is a million dollar idea.

[22:24] Richard or Brian, wherever you are, get in touch with us.

[22:26] This is not a million dollar idea.

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] What was the name of the...

[22:29] Shock Treatment?

[22:30] Shock Treatment, yeah.

[22:31] Was the sequel.

Dan McCoy

[22:33] Which is...

[22:33] It's an interesting movie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:35] I've never seen it.

[22:36] It's one of those movies like Listomania where I want to see it, but it's not going to live

[22:39] up to what I want it to be.

Dan McCoy

[22:41] I mean, it doesn't...

[22:41] It does not even live up to Rocky Horror, but it's an interesting movie in its own right.

[22:46] In its own way.

[22:47] I like it.

[22:48] It's too much singing for your tastes.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] Well, yeah, because I hate singing.

[22:52] If I watch Rocky Horror now, I'd probably enjoy it more.

[22:54] I saw it a lot when I was in high school.

[22:56] Right.

[22:56] I had friends who loved it, and I think it was...

[22:59] I just got tired of it.

Dan McCoy

[23:00] I think it actually suffers from its cult.

[23:02] I think it works better divorced from its cult in my mind.

[23:05] Like...

Elliott Kalan

[23:05] What about the children?

[23:06] What?

[23:06] If they get divorced.

Dan McCoy

[23:08] Yeah.

[23:09] All right.

[23:09] Well, let's keep going with this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[23:11] So, I, Frankenstein...

[23:12] Basically, they're all fighting...

[23:14] So, they want to learn Dr. Frankenstein's secret of bringing people back to life so that

[23:18] they can bring back these bodies and put demon souls in them and have an army of demons that

[23:22] takes over the world or shit.

[23:24] And so, they want either the monster or they want Dr. Frankenstein's journal.

[23:28] And the rest of the movie is just these characters running around looking for this journal

[23:32] and fighting each other.

Stuart Wellington

[23:32] And there's a little bit of tension because the gargoyles want to...

[23:37] Their designs are at odds with Frankenstein.

[23:41] They don't trust Frankenstein.

[23:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:43] Frankenstein has his...

[23:44] It won't go with the gargoyle.

Stuart Wellington

[23:45] There's one cocky gargoyle.

[23:46] Well, Frankenstein doesn't have a soul.

Elliott Kalan

[23:48] They think Frankenstein doesn't have a soul, and so he is the wild card in this.

[23:53] Mm-hmm.

[23:53] But in the end, it turns out he does.

[23:55] Spoiler alert.

[23:56] Spoiler.

[23:56] I'm going to skip to the very end of the movie.

[23:58] There's also a pretty scientist who I guess is set up as a love interest for Frankenstein.

Dan McCoy

[24:03] She's played by Ivan Stravinsky.

[24:07] Perfect pronunciation.

[24:08] Yeah.

[24:09] Stravinsky.

[24:10] Stravinsky.

[24:11] She was in Chuck, and she's currently in the 24 miniseries.

[24:16] And she was in the Mass Effect series of video games.

[24:18] Yeah, she was in that one episode of Louis.

[24:19] She played the model he sleeps with in the Hamptons.

Elliott Kalan

[24:23] Oh, that he punches by accident.

[24:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:25] You know, so she's a pretty lady.

[24:27] I'll say that.

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] So that was the evidence you were presenting for the actress in this movie being pretty.

[24:32] Yeah, I don't know.

[24:34] I was just trying, you know, I'm trying to relate to the audience.

[24:37] I'm trying to...

[24:38] By listing the credits of an actress?

[24:40] Let them know who this person is.

[24:42] Anyway, the point is...

[24:42] You know, I'm trying to wrap up her.

[24:44] On that level.

[24:45] The only person he can trust is this scientist.

[24:48] She fixes his wounds by sewing him up as if he didn't have enough thread in his body already.

[24:51] Yeah, in this weird apartment, I guess.

[24:53] In his squatter apartment that Stuart aptly described as looking like a level in a Batman

[24:58] video game.

[24:59] It's just like the most falling apart, rotting apartment.

[25:02] You always see these.

[25:03] And Frankenstein sleeps off his wounds from a demon fight while she reads the entirety of

[25:06] the Doctor's Journal.

[25:07] Yeah.

[25:08] Cover to cover.

Dan McCoy

[25:10] There are many cliches that are seen in this movie.

[25:12] One of them is this apartment where you see like in these movies where it's just, it's

[25:17] crumbling plaster and you see the skeleton of the wooden slats through the walls and that's

[25:23] always the case.

[25:24] And I'm always like, really like...

[25:25] Who's the landlord?

[25:27] Yeah.

[25:27] How are they...

[25:28] How are all these supernatural creatures finding these places to squat in?

[25:33] But there's also like...

Elliott Kalan

[25:33] In another movie that'd be weird, but as we see in this movie, every building is abandoned.

[25:37] Yeah.

[25:37] There's no people there.

Dan McCoy

[25:38] But also early on there was that scene where they go to the club and it's just like, this

[25:42] is all that supernatural characters do in movies is they go to a club where house music plays.

[25:46] Yeah.

[25:46] That's all they want to do.

Stuart Wellington

[25:47] A club that is not even that full.

Elliott Kalan

[25:49] Not that full.

[25:50] Very well lit.

[25:51] Yeah.

[25:52] Strangely enough for like an electronica house music dance club.

Stuart Wellington

[25:55] It's better lit than the rest of the movie.

[25:57] Like better lit than the gargoyle fights.

Elliott Kalan

[25:58] It's lit like a doctor's waiting room.

[26:01] You could easily read a magazine.

[26:02] People are reading highlights for kids.

Dan McCoy

[26:06] Highlights for gargoyles.

[26:08] A lot of people are having fun with a purpose in that club.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] I can't remember.

[26:12] I can't remember what stupid bullshit...

[26:13] Oh, this Ranger Rick is all about gargoyles.

[26:16] Highlights for gargoyles.

[26:17] Oh, look at this issue.

[26:18] Goofus and gargoyle.

[26:21] Goofus doesn't help his mother clean the table.

[26:24] Gargoyle fights the forces of evil.

[26:28] And let me mention this, that there are somehow fewer gargoyles than demons, but the power

[26:34] ratio is so stacked for the gargoyles who can fly, have super strength, are made of stone,

[26:40] have magic weapons, while the demons just kind of run around getting killed.

[26:43] Basically look like stuntmen.

[26:44] Yeah.

[26:45] Yeah.

[26:45] These demons, their only proper matchup would be between them and the angels from Legion,

[26:51] who were so incredibly killable.

[26:53] These are the same way where it's like, I just imagine these demons running into things

[26:57] and exploding, and that's their whole life.

Dan McCoy

[26:58] If you put like a thumbtack in these demons, they burst into flame.

[27:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:01] Yeah, you kind of wish that they could meet with the vampires from the Blade movies and

[27:06] have a long talk.

[27:07] Yeah.

[27:08] Like, maybe we should come up with some strategy or...

[27:11] Maybe we should like get stuff.

[27:12] Maybe we'll trade.

[27:13] Let's trade.

[27:15] Yeah, the old Axe of Vengeance storyline.

[27:15] We should just work out for a while, man.

[27:17] Like, you know, hit the gym before we do this.

Elliott Kalan

[27:19] Or maybe like, we should bring weapons to the fights too.

[27:22] So it's not just us running into axes.

Stuart Wellington

[27:24] I kind of feel like the gargoyles fill the role of like, the werewolves, because werewolves

[27:28] are usually like, the big tough guy that fights off a legion of stuntmen monsters.

[27:33] I guess so.

[27:34] I mean, in this type of movie.

[27:36] In this type of movie.

Elliott Kalan

[27:36] I feel like the gargoyles fill the role of...

[27:41] Magic angel heroes?

[27:43] Yeah, who are not totally good guys, because the main character doesn't see eye to eye with

[27:47] them.

[27:47] But anyway, the gargoyles keep losing, even though they're super powerful and the demons

[27:53] are super weak.

[27:55] The bad guys get Dr. Frankenstein's journal.

[27:59] They force the scientists to figure out how to revive people.

[28:03] They start sending electricity to these thousands of bodies they have suspended underground.

[28:08] In a matrix.

[28:09] In this kind of like steampunk matrix setup.

[28:12] But what's great is that each one of them has a screen on their chest that says, that

[28:16] says reviving.

[28:17] And then the percentage...

[28:18] Reanimating.

[28:20] And then the percentage they're reanimated.

[28:22] As if like every person...

[28:23] That's an important piece of information we need to have.

[28:25] As if every person has like a computer like startup bar.

Dan McCoy

[28:29] Yeah, a digital clock has been hooked up to them.

[28:33] A countdown clock.

[28:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:34] And I think, Dan, you made the point that for people who didn't know how to revive dead

[28:37] bodies, they seem to have the perfect apparatus already set up for reviving dead bodies.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] To show how reanimated they are.

[28:43] And what is the idea of someone who's 50% reanimated?

Stuart Wellington

[28:49] Well, I think I'm looking at them right now, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[28:52] Like their legs are dancing.

[28:54] Yeah, their legs are...

[28:55] From the waist down, they're moving around.

[28:57] Yeah.

[28:57] It was like when I was...

[28:58] They've all got happy feet.

Stuart Wellington

[28:59] Yeah, I like that they've already...

[29:01] Like they've already developed the technology to determine how reanimated a dead body is.

Dan McCoy

[29:05] Was it like when I was recovering from knee surgery and I felt like I was in the Kill Bill

[29:10] movie and I was like looking down at my like toes and I'm like, all right, move.

[29:14] Move.

[29:14] Well, no, when you...

[29:15] Move.

[29:15] That's 25% reanimated.

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] Yeah, when you're 25% reanimated, you're like kind of listless.

[29:20] Yeah, right.

[29:20] 50% reanimated, you're like, I guess I could do something.

[29:24] 100% you're like, yeah, let's go out.

[29:26] This will be fun.

[29:27] Let's get dinner.

Dan McCoy

[29:28] Yeah.

[29:28] 75% is like, you want to get brunch?

[29:30] Like, I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[29:31] How long are we going to have to wait?

[29:33] What's the weather like?

[29:34] Let me check.

[29:35] But so skipping all the way to the end, Bill Nighy reveals his demon form, which I got

[29:40] to admit, he's the boss demon.

[29:42] I assumed...

[29:43] Oh, this is after...

[29:43] He is boss.

[29:44] This is after...

[29:45] He's totally radical.

[29:46] Let me just say...

[29:47] He's Bruce Springsteen.

[29:48] Let me just say that Frankenstein's monster has...

[29:50] And I'm saying it again because it's a second H to me.

[29:52] Frankenstein's monster shows himself to the gargoyles who hate him and want to kill him

[29:56] because he killed one of the gargoyles when he was attacked.

[30:00] He shows up, then walks down the street like a block.

[30:04] Yeah, a couple blocks.

[30:05] The bad guys hide out.

[30:06] The bad guys come out and fight, and the gargoyles are like, he led us right to them,

[30:11] of course.

[30:12] Which means the gargoyles are hella dumb.

[30:14] But they didn't notice this was going on.

[30:15] They can fly.

[30:16] They can fly, and they didn't notice that.

[30:18] They didn't ever say, hey, these gargoyles run away from us all the time.

[30:22] These demons run away from us.

[30:23] Let's fly above them and follow them and see what building...

Stuart Wellington

[30:26] It's a simple mistake because they look very similar, except one has wings and the other

[30:30] has, I guess, a mask on.

Elliott Kalan

[30:32] Except the demons all wear suits, and the gargoyles all wear like Immortals-style leather, you know,

[30:40] outfits.

[30:40] Like skirts and...

[30:41] Yeah.

[30:41] They're all dressed like it's 300.

[30:43] Blowing vows.

[30:43] Breach clouts.

[30:44] Yeah.

[30:45] So they're fighting, and Bill Nighy reveals himself to Frankenstein.

[30:49] I thought he was going to be like a real cool-looking demon with wings or something, or he'd look

[30:54] like Tim Curry in Legend, or the bad guy at the end of Fantasia, but no, he's just got

[30:59] a monster head on.

[31:00] He's kind of tall.

[31:01] He's just tall.

[31:01] He's like a bigger version of the other guy.

[31:03] He's just slightly taller than the other monsters and has more horns on his head.

[31:06] And he is going to put a demon soul into Frankenstein.

Stuart Wellington

[31:10] And at that point, you're like, I just kind of wanted to see more of Bill Nighy.

[31:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] But I'd rather see the special feature where Bill Nighy explains how his agent negotiated

[31:20] his contract for the movie.

Dan McCoy

[31:22] Explains how much money he got for the movie and what he did with it.

[31:25] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] Don't make the movie.

[31:28] Just give Bill Nighy the money and hire a crew, three guys.

[31:31] Follow him around all day and let him spend millions of dollars and see what he buys.

Dan McCoy

[31:34] It would be kind of like The Trip.

[31:36] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] Which is Bill Nighy.

[31:38] Yeah.

[31:39] And you know what?

[31:40] Bring Steve Coogan in.

[31:41] Why not?

[31:41] Yeah, why not?

Stuart Wellington

[31:42] Two of them.

[31:42] It can't be that expensive.

Elliott Kalan

[31:44] No.

[31:44] It can't be as expensive as making I, Frankenstein.

[31:47] For half the price, you get twice the movie.

[31:49] Yeah.

[31:49] Anyway, so the demon tries to put a bad soul in Frankenstein.

[31:55] But you're not Frankenstein.

[31:56] You mean a demon.

[31:57] Yeah.

[31:58] Frankenstein tries against...

Stuart Wellington

[31:59] Not just like some asshole kid or anything.

[32:01] No, no.

[32:01] A demon soul.

[32:02] Yeah, not like...

[32:02] Yeah, the kid from Problem Child.

Elliott Kalan

[32:04] Sure.

[32:04] He's not trying to put the...

[32:06] Wait.

[32:07] Thanks for reminding me that's a movie.

[32:09] That's a movie too.

[32:10] He's not trying to put the soul of Eleanor Roosevelt in there.

[32:13] Because her time was cut short and there's more good for her to do on the earth.

[32:18] And Frankenstein has a lot of hellfire flying out of his eyes.

[32:22] But then it turns out he has a soul already.

[32:24] The bad soul is rejected and he kills the head demon.

[32:27] And the head demon's death is so explosive that I guess it destroys all the bad stuff.

[32:31] Everything.

[32:31] And the gargoyles, meanwhile, are as slowly as possible destroying these reanimated bodies.

[32:37] Just kind of like hitting them one at a time or just like knocking down a rack of them.

[32:41] Like pinatas.

[32:42] Yeah.

[32:42] But they all blow up anyway so it doesn't matter.

[32:45] The gargoyles didn't even need to be there the whole time.

[32:48] And Frankenstein decides...

[32:50] Frankenstein...

[32:51] It's like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

[32:53] Yeah, this movie is just like Raiders of the Lost Ark in that one thing.

[32:56] And in no other quality whatsoever.

Stuart Wellington

[32:58] If the gargoyles did nothing.

[32:59] If the bad guys got Frankenstein and tried to do that thing...

Elliott Kalan

[33:02] They still would have lost.

[33:03] They still would have lost.

[33:04] Yeah.

[33:05] The gargoyles could have taken the day off.

[33:07] You know what, gargoyles...

[33:08] Frankenstein should have been like, I got this one.

[33:10] And at the end of the movie...

[33:10] He kind of did.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:12] The gargoyles didn't listen.

[33:14] At the end of the movie, he accepts his new role as protector of humanity and fighter of demons.

[33:19] And he...

[33:19] He takes his two sticks and he goes out into the night.

[33:22] And he takes on the name Frankenstein.

Dan McCoy

[33:24] And declares himself I, Frankenstein.

Elliott Kalan

[33:27] Which I just realized is what a pirate would say if he was agreeing to what Frankenstein just said.

[33:32] I, Frankenstein.

Dan McCoy

[33:34] But I do think it's weird because I guess that means that the character arc in this movie is that Frankenstein accepts that the guy that he killed the guy's wife of and left to freeze in the Arctic is his true father.

Elliott Kalan

[33:48] Yeah.

[33:48] I guess he had issues with the guy and at the end he accepts him and that's...

[33:52] He brings closure to him.

[33:53] I don't think that's as crazy as you do.

Stuart Wellington

[33:54] And he came to that by beating the shit out of a bunch of demons.

[33:58] That sticks.

Elliott Kalan

[33:58] That's why it seems weird to me.

[34:01] I'm not sure why that provided closure for his daddy issues.

[34:03] Yeah.

[34:06] Well...

[34:07] This is a pretty dumb movie.

[34:09] Yeah.

[34:10] We should go on to...

Stuart Wellington

[34:11] This is written by the guy who wrote the Underworld movies.

[34:14] And it feels like it.

[34:15] Yeah.

[34:15] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] And it has the similar visual style of gray.

[34:19] It's not as gray as the Underworld movies.

[34:21] But if you like your horror adventure science fiction fantasy action movies.

[34:26] Super gray and dim.

[34:28] And not particularly interesting to look at or watch the story of.

[34:31] Hey.

[34:32] Try this movie.

[34:33] I, Frankenstein.

Stuart Wellington

[34:34] And if you want to see Aaron Eckhart act, I would recommend watching interviews with him.

[34:38] In the company of men.

[34:39] Interviews with him describing I, Frankenstein.

[34:42] Where he explains how Frankenstein is the original loner.

[34:45] The original anti-hero.

[34:47] The original party animal.

[34:48] The original party animal.

[34:49] And how this is a story.

[34:50] This is a character story you need to be told.

Elliott Kalan

[34:52] I want him to say.

[34:54] Frankenstein was the original Herman Munster.

[34:57] But here's the thing.

[34:58] That reminds me of something that someone said online.

[35:01] That was really funny.

[35:02] When Channing Tatum was talking about how psyched he is to play Gambit or something.

[35:06] I forget what it was.

[35:06] I said it.

[35:06] But I wish that their favorite thing is when the celebrity now has to explain why they've

[35:10] always wanted to play this superhero they just heard about.

[35:13] And it feels kind of like, sure, certainly Aaron Eckhart had heard of Frankenstein before.

[35:16] Frankenstein's a part of our popular consciousness.

[35:18] Has been so for 200 years now, roughly.

Stuart Wellington

[35:22] And he gets to play this new badass hobo version.

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] But why Frankenstein is the role he wanted to play so badly when he gives it so little

[35:29] energy and so little of his acting talent.

Dan McCoy

[35:32] Yeah, let's move on to Final Judgments.

[35:34] Whether this was a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[35:38] Elliot, what do you got to say?

[35:39] It was a bad bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[35:40] I got to say, I am totally, and I'm usually a purist in a lot of things.

[35:44] There have been so many different versions of Frankenstein that I'm totally open to a

[35:48] complete reimagining.

[35:49] Frankenstein's going to survive.

[35:50] It's like Hamlet.

[35:52] Like if I see a bad production of Hamlet, I'm like, that's cool.

[35:55] I'll see another one eventually that plays 400 years old.

[35:57] It's not going away because of this one bad production.

[36:00] Like Frankenstein will survive this.

[36:02] So if you said to me, we're going to make a movie where Frankenstein's monster is kind

[36:05] of like an action hero who fights demons, I'd say that sounds stupid.

[36:08] But maybe there's a fun way to do it.

[36:11] But they didn't do it.

[36:13] Instead, they tried to make him like a dark brooding Batman type, but throw in a crap load

[36:19] of underworld stuff and it doesn't work.

Dan McCoy

[36:20] I'm going to say it's a bad bad movie.

[36:22] I'm going to take the counterpoint actually to what you just said, which is that I don't

[36:27] mind the idea of a reimagining of Frankenstein.

[36:30] But this particular reimagining of Frankenstein is the most boring.

[36:34] Oh no, it's the laziest, dullest way they could do it.

[36:36] Yeah.

[36:36] I'm just angry at the trend these days where it just seems to be like, let's take anything

[36:43] in the world and plug it into like a typical superhero narrative.

[36:47] And that's what all modern action movies seem to be.

[36:51] Certainly all modern fantasy action movies are.

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] It's similar to how with Alice in Wonderland and Snow White and the Huntsman, it's like,

[37:03] let's take a fairy tale or a fantasy thing and just make it a Lord of the Rings movie.

[37:08] Yeah.

[37:08] Even if that doesn't speak to the spirit of the story at all in the case of like Alice

[37:13] in Wonderland.

[37:14] Right.

[37:14] But I think Frankenstein's a little bit more malleable than that.

[37:17] It is, but I mean like this is in that...

[37:20] At this point the character is so far divorced from the story and you could find a new way

[37:24] to make him an adventure hero that's not just this bland kind of superhero filler.

Dan McCoy

[37:30] That's true.

[37:31] I'm just tired of...

[37:32] It's basically the same Abe Lincoln vampire hunter template.

[37:37] No, that's true.

Stuart Wellington

[37:39] Well, I think you guys are fucking crazy.

[37:40] What?

[37:41] This movie was great.

[37:43] You have a queen of the gargoyles played by Miranda Otto delivering her best Judi Dench

[37:49] style monologues and she only seems to have one set of clothes.

[37:54] And there's an evil gargoyle played by Jai Courtney from...

[37:58] He's not really evil.

[37:59] I mean...

Elliott Kalan

[38:00] He's just kind of...

[38:01] He's just got a bad attitude.

[38:02] I mean...

[38:03] Gratitude if you will.

Stuart Wellington

[38:04] Okay.

[38:04] So I think he's evil.

[38:06] And then there's all other kinds of stuff like the writer of the movie gets to play one

[38:09] of the bad guys.

[38:10] There's a bit where they electrocute this rat and it comes back to life.

[38:14] That shit's amazing.

[38:15] You guys are nuts.

[38:18] Okay.

[38:18] I Frankenstein.

[38:20] I a fan.

Dan McCoy

[38:22] I fan and Stein.

[38:24] That was the most ironic final judgments.

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] You know what they should have made?

[38:28] I Frankenheimer.

[38:30] John Frankenheimer takes a little break from directing movies to fight gargoyles and demons.

[38:36] But all of his Hollywood friends come to help him.

[38:39] Burt Lancaster, the ghost of Robert F. Kennedy.

[38:42] It would be great.

[38:43] I Frankenheimer.

Dan McCoy

[38:43] Or if I Frankenstein stands for Ignatius Frankenstein and it was a cross between Frankenstein and

[38:50] Confederacy of Dunces.

Elliott Kalan

[38:51] Or it stood for Isaac Frankenstein, the son of Al Franken and Ben Stein, who got married

[38:58] and adopted a baby.

Dan McCoy

[39:02] Call us Hollywood.

[39:04] But before we move on to letters.

Elliott Kalan

[39:07] I guess what I'm saying is the Golem was the original Frankenstein.

[39:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[39:11] Sure.

[39:11] Protecting the ghetto of Prague.

Dan McCoy

[39:13] You're talking about, of course, what's his face?

[39:17] The star of the wrestler.

[39:19] Mickey Rourke.

[39:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[39:20] The Golem.

Elliott Kalan

[39:21] Here's...

[39:22] Speaking of ghettos.

Stuart Wellington

[39:23] Andy Sergis did an amazing job.

Elliott Kalan

[39:25] How come...

[39:26] Portraying Mickey Rourke.

[39:27] And the floor of the ring.

[39:30] How come during the blaxploitation horror phase that brought us Blackula and Blackenstein,

[39:36] there was no Black Golem?

[39:38] It's a ghetto story.

[39:39] It's a ghetto story.

[39:40] You just make it, set it in the inner city instead of in...

[39:43] It's a pallet swap.

[39:44] And you make it...

[39:45] Well, it wasn't a shtetl.

[39:46] It was a Jewish quarter.

[39:49] But anyway, that's besides the point.

[39:50] All right.

[39:50] It was in a city rather than a village.

[39:51] I'm sorry.

[39:52] But it's okay.

[39:53] But Black Golem.

[39:55] Hey, somebody go back in time and make it.

[39:57] Along with Borlando.

Dan McCoy

[39:59] So, before we move on, we'd like to thank our sponsor, as they have been for the last

[40:06] couple episodes, Squarespace, which is the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy

[40:11] to create your own professional website, portfolio, and online store.

[40:16] Wait, my own?

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Yeah.

[40:18] Even I, Frankenstein?

[40:19] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[40:19] Even you, Frankenstein.

[40:21] Frankenstein.

Stuart Wellington

[40:21] If you want to put up some videos of your, like, awesome kata with your stick attacks.

Dan McCoy

[40:27] If you, Frankenstein, want to show yourself beating up some demons...

[40:31] Show your enemies what they're...

[40:32] ...streaming video.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] ...then where would I get the tools to make that site?

Dan McCoy

[40:35] You would do that at Squarespace.

[40:37] For a free trial and 10% off that free trial, visit squarespace.com slash flop house and enter

[40:44] the offer code flop house at checkout.

[40:48] And look, Squarespace makes it simple and easy.

[40:52] You don't need to know HTML.

[40:54] Good, because I do not.

[40:55] You can just use their tools to design a beautiful website using their pre-made templates.

[41:04] It's got drag-and-drop content.

[41:06] It's got 24-7 support through live chat and email.

[41:09] If you don't know how to do it, even with the easy tools they provide, you can talk to

[41:14] a support person at any time.

[41:18] Plan started at $8 a month, and that includes a free domain name if you sign up for a year.

[41:23] And it's got responsive design.

Stuart Wellington

[41:24] Like Aquafan or the Flophouse Podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] I think someone took Flophouse butts already.

Dan McCoy

[41:30] Awesome.

[41:30] I mean, that just redirects to our website.

[41:33] Yeah.

[41:33] But thank you whoever bought Flophouse butts.

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] Yeah, appreciate it.

[41:37] And now you have to just start to buy Flophouse Wives butts.

[41:41] But, um.

Dan McCoy

[41:41] For Dan.

[41:42] Yeah.

[41:43] But, um.

[41:44] But, um.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] We're talking about Squarespace, because it's hip to be square.

[41:47] Yeah.

[41:48] Squarespace, that is.

Dan McCoy

[41:49] If you want to use Squarespace to design your website now, you can start a trial with no

[41:54] credit card required today.

[41:57] And you can go to Squarespace using the offer code Flophouse to get 10% off your first purchase.

[42:03] And it's going to show your support for us.

Elliott Kalan

[42:05] And I believe in this product so much, I'm not going to make fun of you for saying offer

[42:08] quote just now.

[42:09] Thanks, buddy.

[42:10] So what was the site again?

[42:10] Squarespace.com?

[42:12] Squarespace.com.

[42:13] For all your web development needs?

[42:16] And the offer quote was Flophouse?

[42:18] It was.

[42:19] And that quote.

[42:20] I'm signing up tonight.

Dan McCoy

[42:22] Thanks, guys.

[42:24] So, um.

[42:25] Now we're moving on.

[42:26] To letters.

[42:28] From listeners.

[42:29] Like you, the one who's listening to us right now.

[42:31] Great.

[42:32] Are you going to hear your letter tonight?

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] You listener where you jump up in fright.

[42:39] My letter.

[42:40] It couldn't be better.

[42:41] My letter on the Flophouse tonight.

[42:44] Maybe.

[42:46] But might.

[42:47] Could they read my letter tonight?

[42:49] That's a little internal rhyme in this.

[42:50] I sent in my letter.

[42:52] Couldn't forget her.

[42:53] Sending in their letters of the Flophouse.

[42:55] That's kind of lazy.

[42:56] Will the Flophouse read my letter?

[42:59] For free sound?

[43:00] Maybe I'll eat a chunk of cheddar.

[43:02] While I wait for the Flophouse to read some letters.

[43:04] Turn me around.

[43:05] I know that my Flophouse guys are my betters.

[43:08] Flophouse.

[43:09] Read my letter.

[43:12] Tonight.

[43:14] Tonight.

[43:15] Tonight.

[43:17] They'll read my words.

[43:18] A little bit of modulation there.

[43:20] I typed and sent into the house.

[43:24] Oh, yeah.

[43:25] You didn't hold that note that well.

[43:26] Look, it's late at night.

[43:28] That letter I wrote.

[43:31] I meant it.

[43:32] Note for note.

[43:34] The letter that I wrote.

[43:36] Do those Flophouse.

[43:39] No, a little higher.

[43:40] A little pitching on that one.

[43:43] All right.

[43:44] Well.

[43:46] When you write letters, you write letters.

[43:48] To the Flophouse.

[43:48] From your first letter to the other one you wrote.

[43:51] Write us a letter and we'll read it someday.

[43:54] When you're a fan, you write letters.

Dan McCoy

[43:55] It's a very West Side Story.

[43:57] Yeah.

[43:58] So, this first letter.

[44:02] A letter.

[44:03] We're about to read you a letter.

Elliott Kalan

[44:06] And suddenly you'll hear the letter that's so near your ear.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] I was looking for a title to the letter, but the website, the new website doesn't have titles.

[44:14] So, that was what was confusing me.

[44:15] New website.

[44:17] A lot of people are writing in through the website now.

[44:20] Oh, I see.

[44:20] Rather than emailing directly.

[44:22] And so, we don't get the subject headings.

[44:24] I guess you lost a hint.

[44:25] You have to make it up.

[44:26] So, this one has no title.

[44:28] But this gentleman writes, I write to admonish, praise, and question.

[44:33] First, the admonishment.

[44:35] I wrote some time ago to thank you for helping me get through a very tough time.

[44:38] You're welcome.

[44:40] While I didn't expect my email to get read, I was hoping it would at least let you know

[44:43] how much I've enjoyed the sweet, free, golden entertainment you've provided to me.

[44:48] Imagine my surprise when I tuned in to the next episode to hear Dan chastising the listeners

[44:53] for not being concerned enough with his knee injury, which he probably got performing some

[44:57] sort of pervy activity.

[44:59] You know it.

[44:59] Needless to say, I fell into a miasma of depression and guilt.

[45:04] He has asthma?

[45:05] Rending my garments and smearing ashes on my face.

[45:07] I have only now recovered.

[45:09] Howling a little more.

Elliott Kalan

[45:11] I mean, all you need to do to recover from that is wash your face and put new clothes on.

Dan McCoy

[45:14] Mm-hmm.

[45:15] As for the praise, you guys rock.

[45:16] Every episode seems to get better.

[45:18] And I have to say, I think that I think...

[45:19] Until this one.

[45:21] I have to say, I think the leader of the group, who is far too unappreciated for his comedic

[45:26] sensibilities and wry personality, has finally gotten you all whipped into shape.

[45:30] So I say thank you to you, Flophouse Housecat...

[45:33] What?

[45:33] ...for working your management magic.

[45:35] I see what he did there.

[45:36] Classic Bane Switch.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] The old misdirect.

[45:39] I'm sorry, misdirect.

Dan McCoy

[45:41] Finally, questions.

[45:43] Elliot.

[45:44] That's me.

[45:44] Being a history buff, do you have any Revolutionary War history books you would recommend?

[45:49] Stuart.

[45:50] Johnny Tremaine.

[45:51] Stuart.

[45:52] That's...

Dan McCoy

[45:53] Yeah, I guess it's a young adult novel.

[45:54] Let me get through these and we'll suck it back.

[45:56] Stuart.

[45:57] Why Coors Light?

[45:59] Why, oh why, Coors Light?

[46:01] Dan.

[46:02] What happened to your hook hands?

[46:03] Did you have surgery to get them replaced with less hook-like implements, such as mannequin

[46:07] hands?

[46:09] Keep on flopping forever.

[46:11] Peter, last name withheld.

[46:13] So, Elliot.

[46:15] Do you have any...

[46:17] You can take my Johnny Tremaine.

[46:17] I do, actually.

Elliott Kalan

[46:18] And come back to me, because I'm going to look up...

[46:20] Elliot is...

[46:20] I'm going to look up the author of the book.

[46:22] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[46:22] I'll jump on mine.

[46:24] Mm-hmm.

[46:25] Coors Light, because it's super watery.

[46:27] Mm-hmm.

[46:28] And it's like drinking vitamin water if it made me stupider as opposed to better at stuff.

[46:34] It kills werewolves.

[46:35] So instead of smart water, it's dumb water.

[46:37] Yep.

[46:37] A dumb waiter.

[46:39] I mean, I drink a ton of other stuff, but this is...

Dan McCoy

[46:42] As to what happened to my hook hands, they were replaced by much more insulting and personally

[46:48] damaging traits that people have imposed on me, like being boring.

[46:55] Well, and...

[46:56] Yeah, nobody imposed that one on you, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] Are you...

[46:59] Which ones...

[46:59] Who are you or Elliot the homophobe?

Dan McCoy

[47:03] I was supposed to be the homophobe.

[47:04] Elliot was supposed to be the racist.

[47:05] No.

[47:06] Okay.

[47:07] Yeah, I'm boring, Elliot.

[47:09] That's why I have reached a position of success in New York comedy and I have...

[47:16] Whoa.

[47:16] ...have produced this successful podcast.

[47:20] It was through the sheer boredom of my personality.

Elliott Kalan

[47:22] You were so bored with your personality, you were forced to do other things.

Dan McCoy

[47:26] Well, that's partly true.

Elliott Kalan

[47:28] And the Revolutionary War book that I would recommend...

[47:30] You're right, Dan.

[47:30] You're not boring.

[47:31] You're merely boorish.

[47:34] I would recommend a book called Patriots, The Men Who Started the American Revolution by A.J.

[47:39] Languth, which I found to be a very readable and dramatic and also educational book about the American Revolution.

[47:48] The Langoliers by Stephen King.

[47:50] There's also...

[47:51] Johnny Tremaine by that guy who wrote it.

[47:53] If you want to read particularly about one battle, there's a good book called The Battle of Brooklyn about the Battle of Brooklyn,

[47:59] which took place in my and Stuart's neighborhood, but before we moved in.

[48:04] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[48:06] This next letter...

[48:07] But not before Frankenstein moved in.

Dan McCoy

[48:09] Well, Frankenstein lived in Brooklyn for a while?

Stuart Wellington

[48:11] Yeah, I think so.

Dan McCoy

[48:13] Now he lives in Williamsburg.

[48:14] Ugh, that guy.

[48:17] So this says, to the floppers, I've been listening to your podcast for a few months now, and I finally made my way through most of the back catalog.

[48:26] I think your constant outpouring of love for that vivacious, bubbly scamp Mads Mikkelsen has finally rubbed off on me,

[48:32] culminating in a dream I had last night in which Mads and walking human thumb Andrew Zimmern traveled the world...

[48:39] Okay, I can see that.

[48:40] ...eating exotic foods.

[48:41] Or peoples.

[48:42] Things didn't stay wholesome for long as Mads soon found himself embroiled in a Russian political coup.

[48:48] I was aroused from my dream before its conclusion, but it left me wondering, what kind of adventure would you like to see Mads involved in?

[48:55] And keep it PG.

[48:56] I know how you guys are when it comes to that guy.

[48:59] Thanks for the laughs, fellas.

[49:00] Jim, last name withheld.

Stuart Wellington

[49:03] Well, PG back in the day used to be way crazier.

Elliott Kalan

[49:05] Oh, yeah, they used to have PG comedies with nudity in them.

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] Teen Wolf could surf on top of a van back in the day.

[49:11] I mean, he could still do that, probably, in a PG...

[49:13] Yeah, but that would be R.

Dan McCoy

[49:14] No way!

[49:15] That's your example?

[49:16] I'm just saying that...

[49:17] Teen Wolf in a van?

[49:19] I'm just saying that...

[49:19] Not like Tanya Roberts nude in Beastmaster or something like that?

[49:22] Well, don't you...

[49:23] Well, you can do Sheena.

[49:24] Well, Sheena, too.

[49:25] That's the other...

[49:26] Don't you remember how...

Elliott Kalan

[49:27] There's toplessness in Caddyshack, and that was, I think...

Stuart Wellington

[49:29] I was going to say, don't you remember that movie, when that movie The Program came out,

[49:34] where the football players were, like, lying down in the middle of the road...

[49:37] Well, they cut that scene.

[49:37] Some idiots actually got ran over.

[49:39] Sorry, you know, respect for the dead and all, but they were lying down on the road and

[49:43] got ran over.

Elliott Kalan

[49:43] But Teen Wolf, nobody tried to surf on a van.

[49:45] Are you kidding me?

[49:46] Everybody was.

[49:48] That shit was awesome.

[49:49] So you're saying...

[49:50] Are you a Stiles or are you a Teen Wolf, Elliot?

[49:52] I am one of the guys hanging out elsewhere in the high school.

[49:56] I don't think I fit into either one.

Stuart Wellington

[49:57] You're the guy with his penis out of his pants.

[49:59] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:00] I'm the guy in the last scene tucking his penis back into his pants in the stands of

[50:04] the basketball stadium.

[50:05] Yeah.

[50:06] Basketball court?

[50:07] Anyway.

[50:07] Oh, so what was the question?

[50:09] So the question was, what would Mads Mikkelsen...

[50:10] Sorry about courts.

[50:11] Let me just say, what adventure would I like to see Mads Mikkelsen in?

[50:15] There are no adventures I wouldn't like to see Mads Mikkelsen in.

[50:18] Maybe he's fighting demons with the help of some gargoyles.

[50:21] Sure, that's fine.

[50:22] But let me just put one little thing in your mind.

[50:25] A little thing called Jurassic Mads.

Dan McCoy

[50:29] You figure it out.

[50:31] I would like to see Mads Mikkelsen in an old style Broadway musical.

[50:35] I think that would be a lot of fun.

Stuart Wellington

[50:37] I'd like to see a movie where Mads Mikkelsen plays an English teacher in a tough high school

[50:42] and he has to get some kids to stop fooling around and show up to class.

Dan McCoy

[50:49] Realize their full potential.

Stuart Wellington

[50:50] Or maybe he's a summer school teacher and he's got a motley crew of students who don't pay attention

[50:56] and he has to help them all pass summer school and also keep his job.

[50:59] Speaking of which, Christy Alley was in summer school.

Dan McCoy

[51:02] Yeah, that's what I thought.

[51:03] All right.

[51:04] I just wanted to confirm that I checked it up after the last episode.

[51:08] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[51:08] I thought you were implying that we couldn't do a remake of Summer School with Mads Mikkelsen

[51:12] and Christy Alley at a falling out or something.

[51:13] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:14] The two of them hate each other.

Elliott Kalan

[51:16] Just so you know.

[51:16] Famously.

[51:17] Before you make that.

[51:18] Famously.

[51:18] Before you do that Look Who's Talking reboot with Mads Mikkelsen as the baby.

[51:22] Before you put.

Dan McCoy

[51:22] He and Christy Alley cannot be in the same room.

Elliott Kalan

[51:24] Before you put.

[51:26] Christy Alley.

[51:26] I keep saying Christy Alley.

Dan McCoy

[51:27] Before you put Mads Mikkelsen in a new Veronica's Closet series.

[51:30] No.

[51:32] That they will not work there.

Stuart Wellington

[51:32] Before you let Mads Mikkelsen voice the bullets in the remake of Runaway.

Elliott Kalan

[51:38] Before you do that new version.

[51:41] Before you do Cheers the Next Generation.

Dan McCoy

[51:43] Yeah.

[51:44] So this letter.

Elliott Kalan

[51:45] It's Cheers but not a spaceship.

Dan McCoy

[51:46] This letter is titled Hitting the Big Time.

[51:48] I think they'll work.

Elliott Kalan

[51:50] It's basically.

[51:51] It's Guinan basically.

[51:52] It's just who we go over again.

[51:55] I don't think about it.

Stuart Wellington

[51:57] Do you trigger people to go to the holodeck and get shot by a time again?

Dan McCoy

[52:01] This letter is titled Hitting the Big Time.

[52:03] Dear Flophousers.

[52:05] I was listening to one of your old podcasts wherein Dan was lamenting he had no Wikipedia page.

[52:10] Curious to see if this heinous crime had been rectified in the ensuing years.

[52:13] I was delighted to see that it had.

[52:15] Though it was shocked to see it had been nominated for deletion some years ago.

[52:19] For not being noteworthy enough.

[52:21] For shame Wikipedia.

[52:22] But it was even more delighted to see that Stewart now has his own page as well.

[52:26] Thank you Matt Carman.

[52:27] I'm wondering now if Dan and Elliot have seen any changes to Stewart in the months since he became a Wikipedia superstar.

[52:34] Has the fame gone to his head now that he's achieved what I assume was his life goal?

[52:39] I assume he was constantly being stopped in the streets.

[52:42] Even before there was a Wikipedia that was his goal.

[52:44] I assume he's constantly being stopped in the streets by people asking for his autograph and asked to deal with a paparazzi following day and night.

[52:52] I hope that he'll remain the same old Stewart.

[52:54] Still delighting in movies where people get their ding-dongs ripped off and thinking that Tuxpedos are indeed the height of fashion.

[53:00] I would hate to see him turn into a diva creating a rift in the Flophouse Brotherhood.

[53:04] And how's the Flophouse house cat dealing with the fact that he has yet to get his own Wikipedia entry?

[53:08] He is not happy.

[53:09] Sincerely, Kelly Last Name with Held.

Stuart Wellington

[53:11] He prefers to be more of like a puppet master behind the screen.

[53:14] He's more of an urban legend.

[53:15] He's on Snopes.

Elliott Kalan

[53:16] I will say that Stewart drove up to the podcast recording tonight in a yellow Lamborghini driven by a chimp in a tuxedo.

[53:24] So let's just say the fame has gone to his head a little bit.

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] I mean, he's not going to park it in this neighborhood.

[53:31] No, he's just driving around.

[53:32] I just wonder how that chimp has a license.

[53:33] He's driving around the block constantly.

Dan McCoy

[53:36] Yeah.

[53:37] And he is drinking Coors Light, but he's drinking it out of a diamond-studied beer koozie.

[53:41] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:42] And his Speedo is now made of gold.

[53:44] Yeah.

[53:45] Very uncomfortable.

[53:45] Very chafey.

[53:48] He now has gold penis poisoning.

[53:51] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:52] That was in an early draft of Goldfinger.

[53:55] It wasn't called Goldfinger back then.

[53:56] No!

[53:59] So I hope that answers your question.

[54:00] Our last letter of the show is titled,

[54:04] The Leprechaun Series, Please Explain.

Elliott Kalan

[54:07] What's to explain?

[54:08] He's a leprechaun.

[54:09] He goes to space.

[54:09] He's in the hood.

[54:10] That's all there is to it.

[54:12] He's like a little monster guy.

[54:13] He leaks Jennifer Anderson's face.

[54:14] What's to explain?

Dan McCoy

[54:15] It goes a little something like this.

[54:17] I just recently watched all six leprechaun movies, and I'm confused.

[54:20] You had six dates in a row, I guess?

[54:22] I'm confused, too.

[54:23] Why didn't you watch all six leprechaun movies?

Elliott Kalan

[54:26] You're still getting at least around four.

[54:28] You're still getting tired.

[54:29] The leprechaun doesn't have a huge bag of tricks.

Stuart Wellington

[54:32] I totally remember rent, by the way.

[54:33] I totally remember renting leprechaun in space on VHS, and my local Hastings VHS copy wasn't a very good copy, and then there was no sound, and I still watched the whole thing.

Elliott Kalan

[54:46] I assume you did all the voices.

[54:48] You're like, well, I rented it.

[54:50] I paid for it, and I'm going to watch it.

[54:53] I'll just pretend this is Sergei Eisenstein.

Stuart Wellington

[54:56] But I wasn't ready to prepare to make a stink about it in the VHS.

Dan McCoy

[55:00] Well, I guess I'll make the most of it.

[55:03] Ooh, Mr. Leprechaun.

[55:04] To continue with the question, why does this series exist?

[55:07] What is the target demographic?

[55:09] They aren't scary or thrilling.

[55:11] And given the meandering style of films, they don't even seem to be trying for thrills.

[55:15] Robert Altman made them.

[55:15] They're true graphic for kids, but not graphic enough for exploitation enthusiasts.

[55:20] Like Ernest is scared stupid.

[55:22] Most of them have one violent kill and one boob shot, no more, no less.

[55:26] They aren't generally funny, but they seem to be vaguely aiming in the direction of comedy.

[55:31] There's no consistency between any of the six films.

[55:33] I don't get it.

[55:34] Who is this for?

[55:35] Who said, an evil leprechaun?

[55:37] Brilliant.

[55:37] The kids just can't get enough dark, modern interpretations of goofy Irish folklore.

[55:41] Explain.

Stuart Wellington

[55:43] Well, I think they found their target audience in our letter writer.

Dan McCoy

[55:47] Yeah, you watched all six of them.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] I would say that they were ahead of their time in doing a dark interpretation of a fairy tale type character.

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] I remember as a kid I watched the second one a couple times.

Elliott Kalan

[55:59] Yeah, it seems like...

Stuart Wellington

[56:00] Before the one gory kill and the one boob shot.

Elliott Kalan

[56:02] The audience is like 14 year olds, you know?

Dan McCoy

[56:05] I have to admit, I've only seen the first leprechaun, and my experience of it was watching the first 20 minutes,

[56:12] enjoying it a fair amount, and then watching the rest of it sober the next day and thinking,

[56:17] ugh, can I fast forward to the end of this thing when...

[56:20] Is Moose plays a leprechaun again?

[56:21] Is it Warwick Davis?

Elliott Kalan

[56:22] Yeah.

[56:22] Warwick Davis.

[56:23] So I think it's just a Warwick Davis vanity project.

[56:25] He really loves this leprechaun character.

[56:26] Like Life's Too Short?

[56:27] Yeah.

[56:28] This leprechaun character he thought was great.

[56:31] Do a TV show, public appearances.

[56:33] Mm-hmm.

[56:34] I mean, they were going for kind of like a Freddy Krueger type, right?

[56:37] Like a wisecracking monster.

Dan McCoy

[56:39] Raise awareness of leprechauns and how leprechauns want to keep their gold.

[56:45] Yeah.

[56:45] And he's super powerful.

Stuart Wellington

[56:47] Like, his powers are fairly ill-defined, so you can have him do whatever you want.

Elliott Kalan

[56:50] Yeah, he's basically Tom Bombadil.

Stuart Wellington

[56:51] Yeah, if you want...

[56:53] Well, that sounds great.

Dan McCoy

[56:55] But like evil Tom Bombadil.

[56:56] A movie where Tom Bombadil is the villain?

Stuart Wellington

[56:58] Exactly.

[56:59] And his wife, Goldberry, and his pony, Fatty Lumpkin.

[57:02] Just singing interminable songs the whole time.

[57:05] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[57:05] And being an absent-minded god.

Stuart Wellington

[57:07] Saving people from old man Willow.

Elliott Kalan

[57:11] Walkers the forest, using his infinite ability to occasionally do something.

[57:16] Yeah.

[57:17] What a weird character.

Stuart Wellington

[57:19] We are going to get a ton of hate mail.

Elliott Kalan

[57:23] Yeah, for our Tom Bombadil slagging.

Dan McCoy

[57:25] That really feels like Tolkien clearing his throat.

[57:29] Like, he got through the first few chapters, and he's like, oh, this is moving pretty well.

[57:32] And then he's like, um, okay, well, I think we need a laugh.

Elliott Kalan

[57:39] We need a funny guy.

[57:43] Let me put something in that even Peter Jackson won't put in a movie.

[57:47] I think he trapped the characters in a situation he didn't know how to save them from.

[57:51] So he literally did what he does in The Hobbit over and over again, and just had another character wander in and save them.

[57:57] But made the character way too powerful by accident.

[57:59] And was like, oh, well, there's no danger if I just have this guy walking around.

[58:04] So I'll have him be absent-minded.

[58:06] Because don't they say, why don't we just give the ring to Tom Bombadil?

Stuart Wellington

[58:09] Yeah, because he takes the ring, and he's like, ooh, this is a cool ring.

Elliott Kalan

[58:11] And they're like, basically like, oh, he'll just forget it or something.

Dan McCoy

[58:16] Hey, Tom Bombadil.

[58:18] So I hope that answers your question about the movie Leprechaun.

[58:20] I don't know what to say.

Elliott Kalan

[58:21] The Leprechaun movie made them for money.

Stuart Wellington

[58:23] Yeah, I feel like they're made for, like, 14-year-olds who could convince their parents to let them watch them.

[58:28] Because most parents are like, this can't be that.

Elliott Kalan

[58:30] It's a Leprechaun movie.

[58:31] There's probably songs and family stuff.

Dan McCoy

[58:32] They're like a travelogue with Leprechaun.

[58:34] You get to see The Hood.

[58:35] You get to see space.

[58:36] Oh, yeah.

[58:37] You get to see everything.

[58:37] It's all accurate.

Stuart Wellington

[58:38] I feel like The Hood, at that point, they're like, we are going for the hardcore irony crowd.

[58:43] And the...

[58:44] You got to go back to The Hood.

Elliott Kalan

[58:46] The first Leprechaun is, what, 20 years old now?

[58:48] Yeah.

[58:49] Like, that's a long life.

[58:50] Oh, man, that's time for a Criterion collection.

[58:52] Yeah, that's a Criterion box set.

Dan McCoy

[58:54] With Peter Bogdanovich doing it.

Elliott Kalan

[58:56] No, Peter Bogdanovich.

[58:58] It's a guy.

[58:59] He's the world's biggest Leprechaun fan.

[59:01] Peter Bogdanovich.

[59:04] He's got so many names.

[59:07] He's got his brother, Peter Bogdanovich.

[59:08] You look him up in that home book under Donovich, Peter B.

[59:13] So many for his names smashed all together.

[59:15] He's like a down-home hill Billy Peter Bogdanovich.

[59:17] I'll tell you about the time Orson and I were having dinner.

[59:20] Orson Welles, that is.

[59:21] Who should walk by but Sam Peckinpah?

[59:24] Anyway, Peter, he said you wrote the derndest script.

Dan McCoy

[59:27] Instead of an ass guy, he has a dirty bib on him.

[59:33] So let's move on to our final segment, which is recommendations of movies that we actually liked.

[59:39] Movies that we recommend that you watch instead of I, Frankenstein.

[59:44] Stuart, you look like you're...

Elliott Kalan

[59:44] Or if you're Stuart in addition to I, Frankenstein.

[59:46] Raring to go.

[59:47] Which he calls the awesomest film of the year.

Dan McCoy

[59:49] The I, Frankensteiniest movie I've ever seen.

Stuart Wellington

[59:51] Yeah, is there a DVD box that I can put a stamp of approval on by now?

Dan McCoy

[59:57] Guaranteed entertainment.

[59:58] So...

Elliott Kalan

[59:59] You guys are the lamest of the blockbuster stamps.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:05] So...

[1:00:06] Or stickers, I guess you'd say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] So, Stuart.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:08] Keeping with the theme of I, Frankenstein...

[1:00:11] What?

[1:00:12] Of a...

[1:00:13] You like the AI robot?

[1:00:13] Of a, you know, an original loner, hell-bent on revenge.

[1:00:19] I want to talk about a movie...

[1:00:21] Of Frankenstein.

[1:00:22] About a...

[1:00:22] A Frankenstein.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:22] A castle.

[1:00:24] A misunderstood fellow who might live in a castle.

[1:00:29] He might have difficulty, I don't know, connecting with people.

[1:00:33] Women, perhaps.

[1:00:34] His own ding-dong.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:37] I'm just joking.

[1:00:38] I'm not going to recommend Castle Freak.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:39] Although I did read a great interview with Peter Jackson...

[1:00:42] Or, not Peter Jackson.

[1:00:43] Stuart Gordon.

[1:00:44] They both have beards and are fat.

[1:00:47] But I was reading this great interview with...

[1:00:49] I mean, Paul Prudhomme.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:50] I mean, Chris Claremont.

[1:00:52] I mean...

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:53] George R. Martin.

[1:00:54] So I was reading this interview with Stuart Gordon...

[1:00:56] I mean, Santa Claus.

[1:00:57] Where he was talking about, you know, other filmmakers that are pushing the envelope that he appreciates.

[1:01:03] And he mentioned the human centipede.

[1:01:06] And I feel that's kind of disappointing because I feel like a Stuart Gordon directed human centipede

[1:01:12] would have been so much more gross than Tom Six's human centipede.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:16] And just to have more imagination.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:18] Yeah, exactly.

[1:01:19] But the movie I really want to recommend also features...

[1:01:22] It's called Human Centipede Full Sequence.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:26] It's 100% naturally accurate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:30] I like the fact...

[1:01:32] I do like that that was a selling point for the movie, which is such a William Castle old-fashioned thing.

[1:01:37] We talked to 10 doctors who all told us that our human centipede theory would work.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:43] Who all told us...

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:44] Yeah, I guess you could sew two or three people together, ask them out.

[1:01:48] It's just a story for now.

[1:01:50] But is this the future of medicine?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:52] So I'm recommending another movie that features a loner who has difficulty connecting with people.

[1:02:00] Called Lucas.

[1:02:01] He's been fighting demons for quite a while.

[1:02:04] And unfortunately, a woman that he gives a magic potion to turns into a demon.

[1:02:10] And that woman is the granny.

[1:02:14] Little did...

[1:02:15] Wait, what's the character's name?

[1:02:17] Is...

[1:02:18] Namanami?

[1:02:20] Little did he know that when he gave the granny this magical potion, the Kui Chow, I think?

[1:02:26] I don't remember.

[1:02:27] That she would take the potion at the wrong time like a gremlin and become a super powerful demon granny.

[1:02:34] And then kill a bunch of people.

[1:02:36] So if you haven't already watched the granny...

Dan McCoy

[1:02:38] Up until now, it's pretty much required viewing.

[1:02:42] I think it was one of TCM's essentials.

[1:02:45] It was number one on the sight and sound pool.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:48] So the granny.

[1:02:49] Yeah.

[1:02:49] And where would we find this movie?

[1:02:51] In the hearts of children everywhere.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:54] In the reflected eyes of any child that has, I don't know, imagination.

[1:03:01] Or if...

[1:03:02] I think you can find it on VHS.

[1:03:03] I don't think it exists on DVD yet.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:06] So I'd quickly like to recommend two movies.

[1:03:10] And I'm saying up front that I'm recommending two movies this time.

[1:03:12] Sure, there's nothing wrong with that.

[1:03:14] It happens all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:15] The problem last time was you were like, let me tell you about two movies I'm not recommending.

[1:03:18] Yeah, I know.

[1:03:19] Then I'll get to my recommendation.

[1:03:20] Just own up to it.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:21] So quickly, I re-watched Wages of Fear recently.

[1:03:25] That's a great movie.

[1:03:26] Which is a movie that I originally had seen on a semester abroad in London years ago and

[1:03:32] immediately thought, like, this is one of my favorite movies ever.

[1:03:36] But then just did not watch it again for years and years and years.

[1:03:41] And I got the Criterion Disc.

[1:03:43] And it's beautiful.

[1:03:45] And it's a movie about basically a bunch of guys in...

[1:03:52] They're in South America, right?

[1:03:53] Yeah.

[1:03:54] They're in sort of all in dead-end positions.

[1:03:58] They get a chance to make $2,000 each by transporting a bunch of nitroglycerin across these rocky roads

[1:04:07] and trucks that can blow up at any time.

[1:04:11] And it's directed by Henri Clouseau, who did Diabolique, which is probably what he's best known for, I think, in America.

[1:04:21] But I think Wages of Fear is better.

[1:04:23] It's much better than Diabolique.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:25] Le Corbeau is better than Diabolique, I think.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:27] But it's beautifully shot.

[1:04:30] And it takes...

[1:04:31] The movie is about half over before anyone even gets in the truck, which is not wasted time.

[1:04:38] It's all character-building time.

[1:04:40] It all shows who these men are and why they would put themselves in this position.

[1:04:45] And it's just a great, tense thriller and character study.

[1:04:50] And I also wanted to recommend a movie that I saw on Netflix streaming called Deceptive Practice.

[1:04:56] Or Deceptive Practices.

[1:04:58] And it's a documentary that's nominally about Ricky Jay.

[1:05:05] Although Ricky Jay deflects a lot of the time talking about old magicians that he admires.

[1:05:14] And I just love old-time magic and close-up magic.

[1:05:21] You know, like, magic gets a bad rap mostly because what most people think of is...

[1:05:26] Magic the Gathering.

[1:05:27] What most people think of is, like, sleazy, long-haired people gyrating while there's lasers in the background and smoke machines and putting a lady in a thing.

[1:05:38] That sounds like something you would love.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:40] Gyrating, putting a lady in a thing.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:42] All right.

[1:05:42] Lasers.

[1:05:43] Smoke machines.

[1:05:45] But it's all, like, jerry-rigged, like, giant prop magic.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:50] You're talking about, like, for instance, the David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear trick.

[1:05:54] Yeah.

[1:05:54] Where he just rotated the platform everyone was on.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:57] Yeah.

[1:05:57] Whereas I have a real love and respect for people who have taken the years to learn the totally useless skills that are inherent...

[1:06:09] It's an entertainment skill.

[1:06:10] ...in sleight of hand.

[1:06:11] Yeah, but it's, I mean, in a larger sense, it does nothing for the world.

[1:06:17] But in another sense, it's beautiful that they've spent so much time becoming a master of this thing.

[1:06:23] Like, in that sense, it's similar to, like, the documentary Giro Dreams of Sushi or something like that, where, like, a man, like, spends all of his life in pursuit of becoming perfect to this one thing.

[1:06:33] That is profession, yeah.

[1:06:34] Yeah.

[1:06:34] And I love magic.

[1:06:36] I love, like, the oral tradition of handing down these tricks.

[1:06:40] I love just kind of, like, the sleazy vaudevillian kind of, like, carny quality of it.

[1:06:47] Yeah, the gyrating and the lasers and the smoke.

[1:06:49] Chris Angels.

[1:06:50] And Ricky Jay is such a great, like...

[1:06:52] Merlin.

[1:06:53] Historian.

[1:06:54] Merlin.

[1:06:55] Of these things.

[1:06:56] I just, you know, it's just a thing that personally I care a lot about.

[1:06:59] Like, if I had...

[1:07:01] If I was granted the wish to have, like, a technical skill...

[1:07:07] Now, keep in mind, this wish would be real magic.

[1:07:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:10] And you would be using real magic to get fake magic.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:12] Well, if I had a wish, I would probably go for being able to play guitar a lot better than I can first, because that would actually impress people.

[1:07:20] Well, both of these are skills that you can get better with with practice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:23] No, no, I don't care for it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:23] Yeah, why don't you say something like a magic knee or something?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:25] But, uh...

[1:07:26] A magic, un-terrible knee.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:29] But I think it would be quite something to be, like, very good at sleight of hand.

[1:07:34] I've never had the patience to actually become...

[1:07:35] It takes a lot of patience and control.

[1:07:37] ...good at it.

[1:07:37] But, um...

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:38] Here's your monkey's paw moment.

[1:07:40] You're going to wish for an unbreakable knee, and then your other knee is going to break.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:43] Oh, boy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:45] Ugh.

[1:07:45] Or your leg falls off at the hip or something.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:46] Damn you, monkey's paw.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:47] That monkey's paw is an asshole.

[1:07:49] So, just give it up.

[1:07:50] Give somebody else that paw.

[1:07:51] The point is, you love magic, and this is a documentary about magic.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:53] Yeah, and I don't know necessarily, like, whether on a technical level, as a movie, this was the best movie, but as a...

[1:08:02] We're not asking that.

[1:08:02] As a portrait of Ricky Jay, and, like, who's a fascinating guy, and as, on a personal note, like, I just found it very pleasurable to watch, like, this documentary about Ricky Jay and about magic.

[1:08:13] So, Deceptive Practices.

[1:08:15] Deceptive Practices.

[1:08:16] And it's on Netflix streaming.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:18] Does sound a little bit like a late-night Cinemax movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:20] Yeah, Deceptive Practices sounds like something that involves a woman changing her underpants in front of an open window.

[1:08:25] Like a sexy lawyer movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:26] I also recommend that movie that you just invented in your brain.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:31] Deceptive Practices with Shannon Worry.

[1:08:34] And Shannon Tweed.

[1:08:36] And Shannon Darty.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:37] Shannon Worry was in the movie I recommended.

[1:08:39] And Carrie Wurr.

[1:08:40] Oh, I didn't know that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:41] Oh, yes, I did know that.

[1:08:43] Anyway, a lot of worrying is going on.

[1:08:46] I'm going to recommend a movie that's a little... that's kind of a sleazy movie, but it's a lot of fun.

[1:08:51] And that's a movie called What's the Matter with Helen?

[1:08:54] It's a Curtis Harrington movie, and who directed it.

[1:08:57] And if you know Curtis Harrington movies, you know there's going to be at least one middle-aged woman who goes crazy.

[1:09:03] And there's going to be some murder.

[1:09:04] Like a blue jasmine?

[1:09:06] Not exactly.

[1:09:07] More psychotic.

[1:09:08] And there's going to be some kind of nod to old-time Hollywood.

[1:09:13] And this movie has that in spades.

[1:09:15] It's set in the 30s, and it stars Shelley Winters and Debbie Reynolds as two women who are the mothers of two boys who committed a kind of a thrill kill.

[1:09:24] And they've been threatened by people who knew the victim, and so they escape by going to Hollywood and setting up a dance school for little girls.

[1:09:32] And Shelley Winters is very religious, and Debbie Reynolds is looking to land a husband.

[1:09:37] And the two of them form this kind of bizarre relationship.

[1:09:42] But at the same time, they're afraid that they're still being hunted by the person who wanted to kill them as revenge for their sons killing this woman.

[1:09:49] And there are, but around the, it's a pretty like knowingly campy movie in a way that I usually don't go for, but in Curtis Harrington's hands it really works.

[1:09:59] And around the time that Shelley Winters thinks she is seeing, hallucinates that she is seeing her dead husband who was killed by being chopped up by a tractor,

[1:10:07] while backstage at the child's recital, and starts screaming and ruining a patriotic number sung by little girls,

[1:10:14] I realize this is a pretty fantastic movie.

[1:10:16] So if you're in the mood for kind of melodrama that's not, it's not as good as Whatever Happened to Baby Jane,

[1:10:25] but it's better than Hush, Hush, Sweet Charlotte as part of the trend of...

[1:10:29] I'm often looking for that.

[1:10:31] And very much as part of this kind of 10-year fad of older Hollywood starlets now being in horror movies about crazy people.

[1:10:41] It's a really good example of that and a lot of fun, and Agnes Moorhead as a one very good scene in it,

[1:10:47] as an Amy Semple McPherson evangelist type, who does not approve of Shelley Winters' behavior.

[1:10:53] So I'd recommend it. It's called What's the Matter with Helen?

[1:10:56] I would recommend, though, don't look up the poster or any of the original advertising materials for the movie as...

[1:11:01] Spoiler alert.

[1:11:03] They literally give away the ending of the movie on the poster, so don't do that.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:06] They tell you what the matter with Helen is?

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:08] They don't tell you what the matter with Helen is.

[1:11:10] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:11] What is the matter with Helen?

[1:11:12] She's nuts.

[1:11:13] Okay.

[1:11:16] So guys...

[1:11:16] What's the last part of the podcast?

[1:11:18] The last part of the podcast is when we say goodbye.

[1:11:20] Oh, that's the saddest part.

[1:11:23] Well, do we have to?

[1:11:24] Like Frankenstein, we'll be out there with our two sticks fighting bad movies wherever we come across them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:32] Just slapping the shit out of them.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:33] Just giving them a good smacking.

[1:11:35] Yep, wearing a hoodie and hobo fingerless gloves.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:37] And maybe we'll lead the good movies to the bad movies, and the good movies will kill them.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:41] They live in the same neighborhood.

[1:11:43] Yeah.

[1:11:43] So you can know that we're out there, and those people who are out there are me, Dan McCoy.

[1:11:49] Oh, this is...

[1:11:50] I'm Stuart.

[1:11:52] Good work, Stuart.

[1:11:53] Perfect.

[1:11:54] Perfect cue.

[1:11:55] And I, Elliot Kalin.

[1:11:58] Good night, everyone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:59] Yaa!

[1:12:00] Kya!

Dan McCoy

[1:12:05] All the Franken, when you're all a Stein.

[1:12:09] All Franken.

[1:12:10] Give it up, Stein.

[1:12:12] When you're Frankenstein.

[1:12:15] I.

[1:12:19] Frankenstein.

[1:12:20] That's another COA.

[1:12:21] Bum, ba, da, bum.

[1:12:23] I'm high on the ceiling.

[1:12:25] I'm high on the ceiling.

[1:12:25] When you're dancing on the ceiling.

[1:12:29] Whoa, what a Frankenstein.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:32] When you're dancing on the ceiling.

[1:12:35] That's right, Dan.

[1:12:36] I took your song, and I hijacked it and made it a different song.

The Flop House: Episode #154 - I, Frankenstein

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