The Flop House: Episode #157 - The Legend of Hercules

[0:00] On this episode we discuss the legend of Hercules. It's the one without the rock.

[0:31] Hey everyone, welcome to the Plop House. I'm Dan McCoy. Hey!

[0:37] Are you going to say your name?

[0:40] Hey! I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:43] And I'm Elliot Kalin. No prompts needed to get me to say my name. Elliot Kalin, I'll say whatever. Elliot Kalin!

[0:51] So out there in the audience...

[0:56] Elliot Kalin! Yeah?

[0:58] It's like we never left, but it's been a while since we've all been together.

[1:02] Yeah, we set up some episodes so that they could be released while we were on vacacion.

[1:08] As I think the Germans say? Is that Japanese?

[1:11] Yeah, Asian Greek. Vacationese, they called it.

[1:15] Elliot was in California, I was in England. Not a competition, but I won.

[1:20] Yeah, because the weather in England was much better than it was in California.

[1:23] The weather is all you care about? This guy. Culture. Come on.

[1:28] Shakespeare. Yeah, Shakespeare of California.

[1:32] Guys, I got you... Romeo and Juliet.

[1:34] I got you some gifts. Oh, that's nice. You didn't need to do that, Dan.

[1:37] For you, Elliot, I got you the inexplicable British cartoon magazine viz.

[1:44] Thanks, I guess.

[1:45] Trying to figure out what's going on in these British comics.

[1:49] Well, I know it involves all my favorite characters according to the cover.

[1:52] Roger Melly, 8-Ace, George B. Steele. That doesn't sound very good.

[1:56] And other characters I've never heard of. Fat Slags is also named here.

[2:00] And for Stuart, a copy of the Lad Mag Zoo.

[2:04] Oh, man, Zoo.

[2:05] Which advertises unbelievably busty brunettes.

[2:08] Okay. Well, I'm up for that.

[2:11] Dan, I also would have accepted busty brunettes.

[2:13] Oh, I know some of these comics.

[2:14] Well, England is the only nation whose lust for busty women...

[2:17] Stuart, you know we're being recorded, right?

[2:20] I recognize these cleavages.

[2:22] There's been a big hole in my life ever since Nuts magazine, my favorite British Lad Mag,

[2:30] just ended its run and featured a crying Lucy Pinder on its final cover.

[2:36] How could you do that to Lucy?

[2:37] I know, man. Thanks, Dan. This is a great gift.

[2:40] So, Dan, is this a gift-giving podcast?

[2:44] I can't help but see that neither of you have gotten me anything.

[2:47] Well, I would have gotten you something from California.

[2:49] Apparently, you think it's terrible.

[2:51] Wait. Hold on. You predicted that I would think that?

[2:54] Yeah, because I know you.

[2:56] No, I love California.

[2:57] I just, you know...

[2:59] Dan loves all the states.

[3:01] Except for Montana. It knows what it did.

[3:04] But this is a movie podcast, primarily.

[3:07] It's a time-killing podcast.

[3:09] We're not going to talk about our vacations more? I didn't go on one, so...

[3:12] Did you just try to irritate that guy who was annoyed that we spent 15 minutes before we got into Upside Down?

[3:17] That comment really...

[3:18] Got under your skin.

[3:20] Yeah.

[3:21] It's stuck in the old craw.

[3:24] You're going to have to see a craw specialist to get that removed.

[3:26] How is old craw, by the way?

[3:28] Well, I'm right here, Dan. Ask me to my face.

[3:31] How's your quarter, old craw?

[3:32] It's kind of a private question, but which one?

[3:36] The neck one.

[3:37] Oh, well, it's coming along quite nicely. It's almost ripe enough to pop.

[3:41] Do you mind if we stick some things in you?

[3:43] Well, that's what old craw is here for. Stick them in.

[3:47] I have some cocktail toothpicks. Looks like a little sword.

[3:50] Sure, there's some space left in my arm.

[3:52] I have an actual sword. How about that?

[3:54] Maybe put that in somewhere to put something else.

[3:56] Well, thanks for stopping by, old craw.

[3:58] No, I can stick around. Old craw doesn't have a lot of friends.

[4:01] How about some corn on the cob holders that look like little corns on the cob?

[4:04] Hey, you got to. Do they come with corn? Old craw's a little hungry.

[4:08] Been a long time since old craw could afford a hot meal.

[4:12] I'm what you call a non-volunteering freegan.

[4:17] Do a lot of garbage scavenging.

[4:21] This character is like one of those characters from lore where you invoke their name and then they won't leave.

[4:28] That's right. Give me your first born. Stick it in me, old craw.

[4:34] Now, which of you has a wish I may grant? Keep in mind, at least he grants wishes.

[4:40] Calling for an old craw can have very dangerous consequences.

[4:45] Quick, Dan, we've got to smear yogurt on the floor before we leave.

[4:48] That's the only way to appease me.

[4:50] Make sure it's low-fat Greek yogurt. Getting to the point. Greek stuff.

[4:56] Greek stuff, huh?

[4:57] Greek movies.

[4:58] Well, I don't think he's a Greek movie. We watched an American movie tonight.

[5:02] So, Dan, this podcast, we watch a bad movie, then we talk about it.

[5:05] The movie we watched tonight, The Legend of Hercules, directed by one Reynolds Harlan.

[5:11] Now, the last Rennie Harlan movie you forced us to watch was a total boring piece of junk.

[5:16] Was that Devil's Pass or something?

[5:18] Yeah, so it could only go up from there.

[5:20] Yes, and boy did it ever for much of this movie.

[5:23] Boy.

[5:24] Here's a movie that I was expecting to be dumb. I didn't expect how dumb it would be.

[5:28] And let's just say one thing.

[5:30] Any movie that manages to give Hercules some kind of lightning whip with which he can slash at his enemies,

[5:37] I'm okay with that movie to a certain extent.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:41] Should we talk about this very loose rendition of the Hercules myth?

[5:45] Yeah, and you guys are going to have to fill in the actual Hercules Greek mythology stuff.

[5:50] You're not going to be our expert on Hercules tonight?

[5:52] Yeah, Dan doesn't really know much about Hercules.

[5:54] You were saying you don't like Greek myths. You find them stupid?

[5:57] I don't find them stupid.

[5:58] People who like them stupider.

[6:00] I really want to like them.

[6:02] They're just so, and this makes sense based on how they sort of came about and were passed down,

[6:07] but they're so disjointed that I can't enjoy them as narrative, I feel like.

[6:11] But I understand that many people, including yourselves, love them.

[6:15] You like something a little more linear, a little easier to follow.

[6:18] Yeah, like a naked lunch.

[6:19] Like ugly Betty.

[6:21] Those are the two choices you have.

[6:23] Either the Greek myths or ugly Betty.

[6:26] That was the choice they had in Ancient Greece, too.

[6:28] They could have worshipped Zeus or Betty.

[6:31] Yep, that's a desert island choice.

[6:33] That desert island being what, Crete?

[6:35] Yeah, I guess so, or Minos.

[6:38] Home of the Minos birds.

[6:40] Home of the Minos burger.

[6:45] Mmm, that's good beef. It's half man, half beef, but still.

[6:48] Big surprise it has tzatziki sauce on it.

[6:51] Shh, don't tell anyone our secret.

[6:53] Our secret is tzatziki.

[6:55] We all know it, and it's served on a pita bread instead of a bun.

[6:58] Everyone knows your secret, Minos burger.

[7:01] Yes, it was secret Minos spices.

[7:04] No, you don't, it's just olives.

[7:05] It's just feta cheese and a lot of, I get it, it's mostly oregano.

[7:08] Feta cheese and olive oil.

[7:11] But we serve it to you nude.

[7:13] Oh, okay, well that's different.

[7:15] You're going to sue Vlaiki for the prices.

[7:19] Minos burger, based on a stereotype.

[7:22] Now, in the ancient Greek myths, just to cue anybody else in,

[7:26] Hercules, or as the Greeks called him, Heracles.

[7:29] And Stuart and I will talk a little bit about this,

[7:31] just because both of us went through Greek myth phases when we were younger,

[7:34] and still have affection for them.

[7:35] Yeah, it was kind of like comic books, but before I started reading comic books.

[7:39] Exactly.

[7:41] Hercules, or Heracles, is a demigod, the son of Zeus.

[7:44] He's going to say that every time he says Hercules.

[7:47] Hercules is monster, I should say.

[7:50] He's a demigod, the son of Zeus, and a mortal woman who has super strength,

[7:54] and he mainly fights monsters.

[7:56] Yeah.

[7:57] And of course, he was in a fit of rage, induced by Hera,

[8:00] who was always trying to kill him, Zeus' wife.

[8:03] She's jealous that he's better than any of her children.

[8:05] And she doesn't like that Zeus was not faithful to her.

[8:08] And that Zeus, in a way, loved his half-human, half-god son

[8:13] more than the children he had with her.

[8:16] Because we love our children for their flaws.

[8:18] Sure.

[8:19] Now, Dwayne the Rock Johnson has told me he's the world's first superhero.

[8:22] Is that correct?

[8:23] No, actually, Superman is the world's first superhero.

[8:26] I thought Apocalypse was.

[8:28] Well, are we going through real world chronology, or Apocalypse?

[8:32] Or comic book chronology?

[8:34] Apocalypse was the first mutant, of course.

[8:36] And Savanor, they called him in ancient Egypt.

[8:39] So are we telling his story now, or are we still telling Hercules' story?

[8:42] I mean, we started at the beginning, right?

[8:44] So anyway, in the beginning, there was a universe before our own.

[8:47] Galen, a scientist, survived the collapse of that one,

[8:51] being transformed into Galactus, the world devourer.

[8:54] Flash forward to 1961, when a ragtag group of scientists

[8:58] went up into the air, into space, and was hit with...

[9:01] Into the air.

[9:03] Space is the opposite of air.

[9:05] They jumped up.

[9:06] They were hit with radiation, just turning them into the Beatles.

[9:09] This mock-top foursome of Liverpudlians set the nation on fire

[9:13] on the Ed Sullivan show.

[9:15] Or as it was known in ancient Greece,

[9:17] Edus Sullivanocalypse's tragedy for him.

[9:21] Now anyway, Hercules, his story is mainly about him killing people and monsters.

[9:26] He gets driven mad by Hera, kills his family,

[9:29] and as a result, to atone, becomes the slave of this king,

[9:32] and the king sends him on the twelve labors.

[9:34] And anyway, that's Hercules for you in a nutshell.

[9:38] And try to put Hercules in a nutshell.

[9:40] He's not going to fit.

[9:41] He's a big, strong man wearing a lion's skin.

[9:43] If it's like the type of nut that would feed a rock bird.

[9:46] Yeah, that's true.

[9:47] It could be big, yeah.

[9:48] And the nuts from that mysterious island from Journey 2.

[9:51] The mysterious island.

[9:53] And it's not really what the mysterious island is from originally.

[9:56] You know that, right?

[9:57] It's just a bunch of big stuff on that island.

[10:00] It was called wrong size animal island.

[10:02] Big island.

[10:03] But this was so big dream.

[10:05] But the Greek myths are basically

[10:07] about a world in which the gods exist.

[10:09] They are super powerful, but they aren't particularly

[10:13] more moral than humans.

[10:15] They are powerful beings that you can curry favor with

[10:18] and to have their own petty passions and tempers and lusts.

[10:22] And this movie in trying to make a new Hercules legend

[10:26] transforms them into more of a Christ liberator figure.

[10:30] In a way that is not totally successful.

[10:33] And by not totally, I mean, not at all successful,

[10:35] but let's tell the story.

[10:36] So King Amphitryon of Tyre is invading Argos

[10:42] and he challenges the King of Argos to single combat.

[10:45] Why should we let our armies kill each other

[10:47] when we can settle this and save hundreds,

[10:50] if not thousands, if not millions of lives?

[10:52] He's actually a pretty good king.

[10:54] In a way, he's a good king here.

[10:55] He wins and...

[10:58] We're taken to this battle through a slow zoom

[11:01] that takes us almost like Normandy storming

[11:03] like through a beach invasion.

[11:06] Yeah, that gets to the heart of the town.

[11:09] This movie opens as if it is a first person spear thrower

[11:13] where you are a Greek soldier, which is a great,

[11:17] frankly is a great idea for a video game.

[11:20] You know?

[11:21] Well, now I'm imagining like...

[11:22] Call it like Call of Hoplite or something like that.

[11:24] You find like more powerful spears

[11:26] as you're walking around.

[11:27] It's like, oh, well, here's the semi-automatic spear

[11:29] that I've got.

[11:31] Yeah, exactly.

[11:31] Power-ups.

[11:32] My basic spear.

[11:33] Throw that down.

[11:34] Speaking of power-ups,

[11:35] Hercules gets a pretty bitchin' power-up later

[11:37] when Zeus throws some lightning into a sword

[11:39] and it turns into electric whip.

[11:40] Hold on there.

[11:41] But we'll get there slowly

[11:43] because this is the flop house

[11:45] and we're killing a lot of time.

[11:46] Much like Hercules slew the Nemean lion and the Hydra.

[11:50] But super fast, which is the opposite of what we do.

[11:52] Now let's also say about this movie,

[11:54] Hercules is confronted with very few challenges

[11:56] that he doesn't defeat in about 30 seconds

[11:59] and there's a lot of unnecessary slow-mo.

[12:00] It's like Rennie Harlin had someone describe

[12:03] the movie 300 to him and the movie Gladiator

[12:06] and he was like, and the movie Braveheart.

[12:08] And he was like, I can turn those into a movie.

[12:10] I'll have it star Hercules.

[12:12] Like maybe he was like, I can turn those into a movie.

[12:14] Well, Rennie, those aren't worth movies.

[12:15] They're already three hit movies.

[12:17] Ah, I'll make them a movie though.

[12:19] But no, Rennie.

[12:20] Give me enough money that you would give to like,

[12:22] give me the budget of two sci-fi channel original movies

[12:25] and enough CGI that I can always have confetti

[12:28] in the air in every scene.

[12:29] And then I will create you a demigod baby of a movie.

[12:32] Yeah, there's a lot of pollen floating around

[12:34] in every scene.

[12:35] We couldn't make sense until we remembered

[12:37] that this was originally a 3D movie.

[12:39] So there always has to be something floating in your nose.

[12:41] Yeah, it looks like we're walking

[12:42] through a fucking allergies ad.

[12:43] It's an Allegra commercial, yeah.

[12:45] I'd like to believe that the movie

[12:47] was trying to escape from us

[12:48] and was just throwing its ink and dust in our face.

[12:50] I'm sure it's chaff.

[12:52] The movie is constantly throwing handfuls of sand

[12:54] at the audience to hide its retreat.

[12:58] But anyway, the queen who's married to the king

[13:03] somehow doesn't like him for some reason.

[13:05] She worships-

[13:06] Because he's like a conqueror.

[13:07] Yeah, and she worships the Greek gods

[13:09] who he does not believe in.

[13:10] So she goes to Hera and Hera says,

[13:13] just this once, I'll let Zeus have sex with you

[13:15] so that you can have a baby

[13:17] who will bring peace to the kingdom.

[13:19] So there's a prophecy in this too,

[13:21] which of course, you know, I love.

[13:22] I love it whenever a character is not a victim of free will,

[13:26] but in fact has his events predestined.

[13:28] Oh, that's more of a Greek thing anyway.

[13:30] And again, we flash back to the fact

[13:31] that there's no reason why Hera should care

[13:33] about whether there's peace in this kingdom of mortals.

[13:37] That's not a Greek god sort of thing to care about.

[13:39] Or why the queen should care.

[13:41] And it's also strange that she's praying

[13:43] at a ruined temple because we're in ancient Greek times.

[13:47] The temples aren't ruined yet.

[13:48] They should be new.

[13:49] Let's say that the king just pulled down the temples

[13:52] or something like that.

[13:53] I don't think that's what it is.

[13:54] It's just that the filmmakers were like,

[13:55] ancient Greek stuff, everything's broken.

[13:57] Got it.

[13:58] So you think this is a time where they should have opened

[14:00] with either a crawl, like a opening crawl

[14:03] or with like text explaining what the fuck is going on.

[14:06] The time is Greece.

[14:08] I mean, they do that.

[14:09] They say Argos, the olden days or whatever.

[14:13] I'm usually against those,

[14:14] but this might've been a good one

[14:15] if only to explain that this king is rampaging

[14:18] through the ancient world,

[14:21] destroying those local cultures and enslaving them.

[14:24] The princess explaining, you know,

[14:27] my mother told me that when I was growing up,

[14:30] there was this awesome king.

[14:31] No, my mother always told me, never trust a demigod.

[14:35] And you better shop around.

[14:36] For other demigods.

[14:38] Yeah.

[14:40] I think that, well, they could have shown us all this.

[14:43] They could have shown him being a bad conqueror

[14:46] rather than just showing him walking around.

[14:48] And being exultant in victory.

[14:50] And the wife says, you didn't do this for me.

[14:52] You did this for the gold.

[14:54] But that's all.

[14:55] We never see him being a bad king until later in the movie,

[14:57] but it's in the ancient times.

[15:00] It was all kingdoms with slaves and stuff anyway.

[15:02] It's not like there was, if they-

[15:04] Tyranny, dude.

[15:05] They talk a lot about freedom later in the movie

[15:07] where Hercules is like, they've taken our freedom.

[15:09] It's like, well, I mean,

[15:11] that concept almost didn't exist at all at the time.

[15:14] It existed for many, many, many, many years.

[15:16] Yeah.

[15:17] It's a weird,

[15:18] but it's them trying to make a modern version of this story.

[15:20] But anyway, so the baby is born,

[15:23] but unfortunately the husband walks in on his wife

[15:26] having sex with Zeus,

[15:28] which is weird because I believe this is a story

[15:30] where Zeus came to her in the form of a bull, right?

[15:32] But you just see flashes of lightning

[15:34] and then you hear a bull

[15:36] while she's writhing around under the sheets.

[15:38] It's like that movie where like the ghost rapes the lady.

[15:41] Do you know what I'm talking about?

[15:42] Ghost rape.

[15:43] The movie.

[15:44] No, I would say it's like a lady version of Dan.

[15:46] It's like the lady version of Dan Aykroyd's

[15:49] ghost blowjob from Ghostbusters.

[15:51] Except her eyes are never crossed.

[15:53] That would have been great.

[15:54] I actually didn't mind that style choice.

[15:56] No, no, I was-

[15:57] Not actually see like a half man, half bull.

[16:00] Straight killer.

[16:01] That's true.

[16:02] I mean, considering like Rosenberg movie

[16:03] would have been great, but-

[16:04] But like Rosemary's Baby, which is a great movie.

[16:06] The one misstep is when you see

[16:08] like this kind of devil figure over Rosemary.

[16:11] It's like, okay, that's a little silly.

[16:13] You say that, Stu.

[16:14] I'm imagining like a seven minute

[16:16] blue is the warmest color style.

[16:18] So many different positions between her and a bull man.

[16:22] Yeah, exactly.

[16:24] I don't even know if they do that one.

[16:25] What's weird is he's,

[16:27] the way he manifests his bull parts

[16:28] is that he's a regular human who has hoofs

[16:30] instead of hands and feet.

[16:31] He's just, it's horrific.

[16:32] This has been talking to the Indian gods.

[16:36] So anyway, she gives birth to the boy

[16:39] and she's told that his name will be Alcides,

[16:43] but secretly his name is Hercules.

[16:45] I'm not sure why they went through that.

[16:47] I think there's something in Greek myth

[16:49] that that's rooted in,

[16:50] but I don't know exactly what it is.

[16:52] Then we cut to 20 years later.

[16:54] Hercules slash Alcides is riding through the countryside

[16:56] with his love, Hebe, who is not Jewish,

[16:59] despite being named after a slur.

[17:02] I think it's Hebe.

[17:03] Hebe, which sounds ridiculous.

[17:05] Let's say that Hercules is like a very buff,

[17:10] slightly balding Sean William Scott lookalike.

[17:12] He's more of a smirk, smirkcules kind of a,

[17:15] he is like a smirkcules.

[17:17] He, the face of the guy on it,

[17:18] I kept thinking, he reminded me a lot

[17:20] of the character Grunge from the old Gen 13 comics.

[17:23] For any J. Scott Campbell fans out there.

[17:26] Are there any?

[17:26] Anyway, so, but Hercules has a brother.

[17:29] He kind of looks like a non-clean shaven Neil McDonough.

[17:34] You know, that actor with the really blue eyes.

[17:37] Yeah.

[17:38] Maybe I was just thinking that later on

[17:40] when he's whipping chains around.

[17:42] And so Hercules is, Hebe is a princess from Crete

[17:47] and Hercules wins her over by taking,

[17:49] riding horses with her to an isolated little pond

[17:53] and then rock diving off a cliff into the water

[17:55] after giving a little James Bond type smirk to the camera.

[17:59] And here is where, this movie is pretty balls to the wall

[18:02] up until this point, over the top.

[18:04] But it's almost like once Hercules enters the movie,

[18:06] the Hercules movie starts to get not very entertaining.

[18:09] Cause Hercules himself is kind of a charisma suck.

[18:12] Well, every time there's no fight scene,

[18:14] it gets a lot slower and-

[18:16] And duller.

[18:17] We don't really care about these characters.

[18:19] None of them are likable.

[18:20] He has a brother, Iphicles, who you can tell is bad

[18:24] because he has dark hair.

[18:25] And this is another one of those movies also

[18:27] where Ancient Greece is represented by blonde Englishmen

[18:30] and English ladies who have blonde hair.

[18:32] Except for one guy.

[18:33] Except for one guy who talks with a Greek-ish accent

[18:36] and has curly hair and the bad guys

[18:38] who are dark haired and not Greek.

[18:40] Instead of a bunch of really hirsute people.

[18:42] Except for Greek looking people.

[18:44] Curly hair, yeah, hair all over, Greek accents,

[18:47] olive-y skin, like it's, make a movie

[18:49] where they look Greek, you know?

[18:50] But anyway, Iphicles was sent to find Hebe

[18:56] cause they ran off together, Hebe and Hercules.

[18:59] And Iphicles wants to marry her.

[19:01] He is the heir to the kingdom.

[19:02] So he's going to, but she's in love with Hercules.

[19:06] And while Hercules and his brother

[19:08] are just kind of wandering around,

[19:09] they run into the Nemean lion.

[19:11] Hercules kills him quickly by strangling him.

[19:14] And then, this is the first scene where-

[19:16] That's one labor taken care of already.

[19:18] Right off the bat.

[19:19] And if you're wondering when he's going to take care of you,

[19:22] he's like, boom, checklist early.

[19:24] This will save me some time later on.

[19:27] When we-

[19:28] He's getting these credits out of the way.

[19:29] When later it's like, I have 12 labors for you.

[19:31] He'll be like, uh uh, 11, dude.

[19:33] Check the fucking list.

[19:35] Is Nemean lion on there?

[19:37] Done it.

[19:38] Let me see.

[19:39] Janice.

[19:40] Oh, he allows it.

[19:40] It's okay.

[19:41] Janice.

[19:42] Yeah, Janice, the two-faced god has to look into it.

[19:45] Or it's just his assistant, Janice,

[19:48] who I assume is played by Annie Potts.

[19:51] And that's when he kills the Nemean lion

[19:53] and she goes, we got one!

[19:56] And they cross it off on the big blackboard.

[19:58] Real bad labor in a minute.

[20:00] Big red local town, cleaning up the stables.

[20:05] Now, if you're wondering when he's gonna deal

[20:07] with the other labors in this movie, do not.

[20:10] He doesn't touch any of them.

[20:12] That was just in much in the way that in Marvel movies,

[20:15] suddenly like Carol Danvers will walk on screen

[20:18] for a second as a little tip of the hat to the readers.

[20:21] Here, it's like they threw in the Nemean line

[20:23] just as a like wink to the Hercules fans in the audience.

[20:26] But here's the first scene where I really didn't understand

[20:28] what's happening.

[20:29] We've just seen Hercules kill the Nemean lion.

[20:32] Into the castle struts Hercules and Iphicles.

[20:36] Iphicles is wearing the lion skin

[20:38] and starts bragging about how he killed the lion.

[20:40] He did it.

[20:41] And Hercules just kind of smiling and watching him.

[20:44] And at no point takes credit for it.

[20:47] And then when the king is like,

[20:49] you're gonna marry princess Hebe.

[20:50] Hercules is just like,

[20:52] but doesn't like object.

[20:56] Hercules is such a boastful, cocksure person in the myths.

[20:59] And humility isn't a thing that like

[21:02] that the Greek myths care about.

[21:04] Like humility in front of the gods,

[21:05] but not to other humans.

[21:07] But that's the thing.

[21:08] Even the heroes who show hubris are more gloried

[21:11] and celebrated than anyone who's actually humble.

[21:13] Like in Greek myths, it's like,

[21:16] you're gonna screw up, you're destined to be destroyed.

[21:19] So I'm gonna admire you for the bravery and courage it took

[21:22] to do the things that were gonna destroy you

[21:24] even though you knew it.

[21:25] So YOLO is what you're saying.

[21:27] They invented YOLO.

[21:28] They kind of did invent YOLO.

[21:30] So then they called it YOLOPOLIS.

[21:32] But the idea that Hercules is like,

[21:34] I'll let him take the credit for this one.

[21:36] You know what, man?

[21:37] It's your moment.

[21:38] You own it, take it.

[21:40] Hercules has got plenty to be happy about.

[21:45] Try for Iphigles to have a chance in the spotlight.

[21:47] Treat yourself, fella.

[21:49] But anyway, the news is announced

[21:50] that Iphigles is gonna marry Hebe.

[21:52] The lovers, as Wikipedia says, are devastated.

[21:55] And they run off together, but they are captured.

[21:58] Hebe almost drowns.

[22:00] Hercules saves her.

[22:01] And Hercules is taken back and exiled.

[22:05] He will join a military campaign to Egypt,

[22:07] or Heliopolis, as they call it,

[22:09] to fight what appear to be the aliens from Stargate.

[22:12] Yeah, the Ga'uld.

[22:14] Who show up and fight,

[22:16] and they kill everybody except Hercules

[22:18] and his soon-to-be best friend, Sotiris.

[22:22] Yeah, he's kinda like a poor man's Sean Bean.

[22:26] Yep, it was like the Bean-

[22:28] Does he have a beard?

[22:29] And he doesn't die,

[22:30] so I guess he isn't a poor man's Sean Bean.

[22:32] I take it back.

[22:33] Just erase that part.

[22:34] It'd be like if he was the Bean in,

[22:37] was it Mickey and the Beanstalk,

[22:38] that they cut into three little,

[22:39] they're cutting tiny slivers off

[22:42] because they're so poor.

[22:44] Is that Mickey and the Beanstalk that happens?

[22:45] Okay.

[22:46] I remember as a kid, that scene made me so sad.

[22:49] And then they sing the song to finiculate,

[22:52] finiculate, and they're like,

[22:53] ♪ Pancakes pulled up till the roots are swiped. ♪

[22:56] I forgot about that part.

[22:59] I wanna eat meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, until I die.

[23:03] I just think that's really funny, that line,

[23:05] I wanna eat and eat and eat and eat and eat until I die.

[23:12] It's a poor man's way of choosing his execution, I guess.

[23:16] Were they all on death row, is that why?

[23:20] And they said to Mickey,

[23:20] you can either fight this giant,

[23:21] or we'll give you the chair.

[23:22] What do you want for your final meal?

[23:24] I want a bean.

[23:25] I want a tiny slice of a bean.

[23:29] Now, what crime did Mickey and Donald and Goofy pull

[23:31] that they're on death row now?

[23:33] Like, did they kill a bunch of children?

[23:35] What was it like?

[23:37] I mean, maybe they just knew

[23:38] that there was intent to steal a giant's harp.

[23:42] That's not a capital punishment offense.

[23:45] In Montana, apparently.

[23:47] You said Mickey the Beanstalk, all these places in Montana.

[23:52] The state, Dan, hates.

[23:53] They know what they did.

[23:54] Sentenced Mickey Mouse to death,

[23:56] and then fed Goofy till he died.

[24:00] Have you no heart, Montana?

[24:02] Anyway, so Hercules and Satyrus

[24:04] are sent on this Egyptian mission.

[24:06] They get captured.

[24:07] The leader of the Egyptian troops says,

[24:11] leave those two alive.

[24:13] And it's all good.

[24:14] We get a good splash of 300.

[24:17] Here's a moment.

[24:18] So the movie goes into 300 mode,

[24:20] and I guess it was in Troy mode before.

[24:22] Now it's in 300 mode, and just like 300,

[24:25] they keep breaking formation.

[24:27] I mean, they're not Spartans.

[24:28] It doesn't make sense why they would use the Spartan,

[24:31] what's it called, phalanx?

[24:33] But they do the thing where they lock shields

[24:35] and then immediately break

[24:36] and just spin around killing people.

[24:38] As soon as the bad guys charge them,

[24:39] they're like, they start doing their moves.

[24:41] Run away!

[24:42] And there's a lot of slow motion,

[24:43] and it is, let's say this about Zack Snyder.

[24:47] He overuses slow motion,

[24:48] but in 300, he uses it fairly effectively at times.

[24:51] And it was a relatively new thing to be used that way,

[24:54] so it was exciting.

[24:55] Here, it's like any time anyone jumps or does anything,

[24:59] there's slow mo.

[25:00] But it's always like, I think you said it during the movie,

[25:02] it feels like Rennie Harlan picks

[25:04] the wrong couple seconds to do slow mo.

[25:06] Yeah, once the excitement's passed.

[25:08] Right before they jump, and then they're like,

[25:09] oh yeah, fuck it, let's just speed it up.

[25:11] At a certain point, it stops being to make it look cool

[25:13] and it starts being, we shot an hour and 20 minute movie.

[25:17] How are we gonna pad this thing out to an hour 39?

[25:19] We'll just put slow mo in a lot of it.

[25:21] Slow it down, you know.

[25:24] If they can make Vertigo run for 20,

[25:27] oh no, Psycho run for 24 hours by slowing it down,

[25:29] we can do that with this movie.

[25:32] It's an art piece.

[25:32] Anyway, the Egyptians sell Hercules and Soterios

[25:36] to a slave gladiator guy.

[25:38] Here's where the movie becomes a little gladiatory,

[25:40] where they fight in a big muddy pit.

[25:43] Who are they fighting?

[25:44] Are they fighting monster men?

[25:45] Are they fighting anyone interesting?

[25:47] Snake guys?

[25:48] Nope, just fighting dudes in mud.

[25:50] Hercules and Soterios manage to trick their owner.

[25:53] They say, hey, I thought they were making this stuff up,

[25:56] but apparently it's true.

[25:56] They're like, there's a big tournament in Greece.

[25:59] The biggest fight is two men go up

[26:01] against six undefeated fighters.

[26:03] If they win, they get their freedom.

[26:09] And there's a lot of betting,

[26:10] so you can make a lot of money on the betting.

[26:11] And he goes, I already have undefeated fighters.

[26:14] Half-face and Harambe over there.

[26:15] And these are finally when the monster men show up.

[26:18] And they say, we'll fight them,

[26:20] and the survivors will go to Greece.

[26:22] And so this is another gladiator moment

[26:24] where it's Hercules and his best buddy.

[26:26] And let me tell you this,

[26:27] his best buddy's job is to get injured during fights,

[26:29] thus making it harder for Hercules.

[26:32] So he is not very helpful.

[26:33] Yeah, to make it more challenging, add a handicap.

[26:35] Yeah, it's almost like his friend is their version

[26:38] of Schwarzenegger getting shot in the arm

[26:41] at the end of Commando,

[26:42] so that it's not quite so lopsided

[26:47] when he's fighting fat Vernon Wells.

[26:48] I gotta say, yeah, but Vernon Wells

[26:50] has that awesome chain mail tank top.

[26:53] And a mustache, but that's not gonna help him in a fight.

[26:55] What are you talking, I mean,

[26:56] he doesn't stop a pipe from ramming through his body.

[26:58] No, the chain mail doesn't stop a pipe

[27:01] from literally going through him

[27:02] to the point that steam goes down.

[27:04] And then, yeah, steam starts shooting out.

[27:05] And he says, Bennett, let off some steam,

[27:07] or let off some steam, Bennett.

[27:08] I don't remember.

[27:09] What a great movie Commando is.

[27:10] Half-Face though, like for his name,

[27:13] like I was expecting, like he's a bit of a monster man,

[27:15] but I was expecting more of like

[27:16] a two-faced level of Half-Face,

[27:18] whereas this guy had like a little bit of scarring

[27:21] and then like some like counting crow's hair,

[27:23] and that's pretty much all that's going on.

[27:24] Yeah, they both had kind of counting crow's hair,

[27:27] both Half-Face and Humbaba, it turns out,

[27:28] as I look at their feet.

[27:29] Yeah, you know, I bet somebody just came up

[27:30] with that nickname real early on,

[27:31] and it just caught on, you know.

[27:34] He probably didn't even have half a face at that point,

[27:36] and he just kind of cut his face up afterwards.

[27:38] Just to keep the name.

[27:39] Well, it reminds me of a, so.

[27:41] It was about to expire.

[27:43] He's about to lose the rights to the Half-Face Relay.

[27:45] His option on the name Half-Face was running out.

[27:47] You better act on this name,

[27:49] or it's gonna go back in the public domain.

[27:51] This guy would like.

[27:52] Shit, I better cut my face up.

[27:53] We can see his skull, he's super gross

[27:55] if you don't cut up your face.

[27:56] Look, Mel Gibson from Man Without a Face,

[27:57] he has a face, but it's half a face,

[27:59] so we want to call him Half-Face.

[28:02] I'll take it, I'll take it.

[28:04] He was exercising the option, yeah.

[28:06] Now, it reminded me of my disappointment

[28:09] when I finally saw an episode of the Game of Thrones TV show.

[28:12] Now, I came to the books late,

[28:13] long after Stewart had spent years recommending them to me.

[28:16] And complaining about the TV show.

[28:18] Yeah, and when I read them,

[28:20] I imagined Sandor Clegane, the hound,

[28:23] had this totally screwed up face.

[28:24] Like, I imagined his jaw was not set right.

[28:27] You could see part of the skull of his bone.

[28:29] And then in the movie, in the show,

[28:31] he's just kind of like a little scratched up.

[28:33] It's not that impressive.

[28:34] He actually doesn't look like he was in a fire.

[28:37] It just looks like he got beaten up once,

[28:38] and it never totally healed, you know?

[28:40] And in some ways, I think that is a description

[28:42] of the entire show for me.

[28:43] Yeah, you know what?

[28:45] I'm gonna go with that way for me, too.

[28:46] But anyway, Half-Face is kind of like that.

[28:47] But I will tell you this.

[28:48] Having zero lines of dialogue,

[28:51] you don't see their faces too clearly.

[28:53] Half-Face and Humbaba are instantly

[28:54] the most charismatic characters in the whole movie.

[28:57] They are so incredibly, like,

[29:00] Humbaba is like an old man's head

[29:02] on top of this huge, you know, strong man body.

[29:05] And Half-Face is half a face,

[29:06] and like you said, counting crow's hair.

[29:08] They're leaping around, fighting Hercules,

[29:10] and it was like...

[29:11] I was kind of hoping at that moment

[29:12] that it would take a strange narrative shift

[29:14] and it would jump all the way back

[29:16] to the beginning of their lives.

[29:17] Yeah.

[29:18] And we could follow what Half-Face

[29:19] and Humbaba had been doing.

[29:21] It would be like the great moment in The Power Broker

[29:23] when Robert Caro takes like 12 pages

[29:26] to stop talking about Robert Moses

[29:28] and start talking about the governor of New York.

[29:34] Old governor.

[29:35] Old governor.

[29:36] No, Al, what's his name?

[29:37] No, I can't remember it, which is terrible.

[29:38] Swearingen.

[29:39] Not Swearingen.

[29:40] But anyway, not Jolson, but Al Smith.

[29:44] And he goes, he takes like 12 pages.

[29:47] Al Smith.

[29:48] No wonder you forgot the most generic name.

[29:50] That's why I forgot it.

[29:51] But he goes through 12 pages and you're like,

[29:53] this guy's really exciting.

[29:54] And it gets so exciting that you kind of forget

[29:56] the books about Robert Moses.

[29:58] And then when it goes,

[29:58] and that's when he met Robert.

[30:00] Moses, and it's like, holy shit, these two guys are gonna meet now?

[30:03] Oh my god, it's amazing!

[30:05] I would have wanted it to be that.

[30:06] You go back to the flashback of how Half-Face and Humbaba became friends, Half-Face lost

[30:10] his face, maybe they grew up together, and then you forget it's a Hercules movie, and

[30:14] then they finally get back to that scene and you're like, oh yeah!

[30:17] Now those characters are gonna fight Hercules!

[30:20] But that doesn't happen, Hercules just kills them.

[30:22] So they get back to Greece, Hercules goes into-

[30:24] Spoiler alert.

[30:26] The Egyptians have sent Hercules' helmet back to Greece, not realizing they've captured

[30:31] this prince.

[30:32] Everyone thinks Hercules is dead, and Hebe is very sad.

[30:35] But this is also where it really starts getting Jesus-y, because he starts gathering followers,

[30:42] he rides back into his hometown-

[30:44] Let's first say he wins that tournament against the six undefeated people super easy.

[30:49] Undefeated?

[30:50] They don't even get names!

[30:51] Half-Face is cackling from the underworld!

[30:55] Well, he's gathering strength, Hercules, you know.

[30:57] And that's the one piece of enjoyment Half-Face will get as a shade in the Hades realm.

[31:03] Waiting for Hercules to arrive so he can serve him for eternity?

[31:06] Because you know Half-Face isn't getting into the Elysian Fields, there's no way.

[31:09] They're gonna take one look at his half-a-face and go, whoa!

[31:12] We let you in here, we can't call this paradise no more!

[31:15] But anyway, meanwhile, Hercules' mom confronts the king, reveals that Zeus is the father

[31:22] of Hercules, the king in a fit of rage, and she tries to stab the king and the king kills

[31:26] her.

[31:27] Which, at the time, I was like, oh, he'd just murder her, but it's kind of self-defense.

[31:30] She pulled a knife on him.

[31:31] Yeah, I mean, even Chiron, his advisor, really doesn't try and stop him.

[31:36] Chiron stands there watching all this, and as soon as the queen is dead, he runs out

[31:39] and is like, no!

[31:40] He's like, wait!

[31:41] It's kind of like, maybe a couple minutes, it's the equivalent of in Jojo Retaliation

[31:52] when Snake Eyes just allows London to be destroyed before he decides to take down the bad guys.

[32:00] Yep, because the queen's life is equal to all the citizens of London now.

[32:04] There were so many fewer people back then, that probably, yeah, but anyway, anyway, Hercules

[32:10] leaves.

[32:11] He starts raising an army to fight for the freedom of Greece against the king.

[32:16] Chiron tells him his mother died, which is terrible.

[32:19] Hebe tries to kill herself, Chiron stops her, and he reunites her with Hercules.

[32:24] The two have a, let's call it a moment of tranquility.

[32:29] Yeah.

[32:30] A pollen-crusted moment of tranquility.

[32:33] As they have sex inside of a Hercules-made hoopa in the forest, as pollen falls around

[32:38] them constantly.

[32:39] Yeah, it looks like a grown-up version of the Blue Lagoon.

[32:43] Like the seashells threaded through, what I can only imagine is, like, intestinal, like,

[32:52] leather straps.

[32:53] I was going to say it's like a classy version of one of the tarp orgies at the end of Seduction

[32:56] Cinema Movie.

[32:57] But anyway, because they're in the forest, anyway, but uh, there's also, anyway, let's

[33:04] just go, let's just skip through much of this.

[33:06] There's a lot of details going in there.

[33:07] They raise an army, Iphicles is fighting, he brings in the Egyptians to fight back,

[33:13] Hercules is just picking up followers, but then at one town, he's taken captive by the

[33:18] king.

[33:19] The king has him whipped.

[33:20] This is the most Jesus-y part of it.

[33:21] Well, but he's also taken captive because of, were you going to say, the betrayal?

[33:25] Eh, who even cares?

[33:27] No, I mean, it's just that there's another, like, there's like a Judas character, but

[33:31] I mean, like, he's sort of forced into the betrayal role.

[33:33] He's not doing it for gain.

[33:35] The life of his son is threatened, so he gives away Hercules' location.

[33:39] But then Hercules is whipped in a crucifix position.

[33:42] He's whipped in front of a crowd as the king says, see, he's not a god!

[33:46] It's a small crowd.

[33:47] It's pretty small.

[33:48] There's not a lot of extras.

[33:49] It would not have been a glorious death for Hercules.

[33:51] Hercules, who has denied that he was the son of Zeus all along, looks up to the guy and

[33:56] says, father, I believe in you, and Zeus sends some lightning down, right?

[34:01] And Hercules, no, that's later, I guess.

[34:03] He sends, like, a shaft of sunlight that, I guess, empowers him.

[34:06] It powers him up.

[34:07] Yeah, he sends down, like, a regenerating beam or something.

[34:10] Yeah, like Apollo from The Authority.

[34:12] This is where it gets suddenly a lot less Jesus-y, since Jesus didn't say, hey, dad,

[34:17] give me, uh, give me strict powers to fight off all these, uh, Pharisees.

[34:22] Yeah, are you saying Jesus didn't use the rocks he was chained to as a kind of giant

[34:26] whip Morningstar to then, to kill people with?

[34:29] No, I don't recall that.

[34:30] No.

[34:31] I think that one is stuck in my head from Sunday school.

[34:32] Yeah, the movie goes full-on, uh, God of War mode, where literally the hero is using

[34:37] weapons attached to chains to do fucking combos on his enemies.

[34:41] And this is one of...

[34:42] Anyway, it gets much more awesome.

[34:43] And it's one of two scenes in which he turns into Whiplash from Iron Man 2, but that's

[34:47] the thing is, this, the movie is crazy at the top, then it's very dull, and then as

[34:53] soon as Hercules admits his demigodhood, it becomes crazy again, because he is constantly

[34:58] just whipping guys with shit, and fighting, like, killing tons of people.

[35:03] And they finally confront the king.

[35:05] The king, uh, gets, lights things on fire to try to stop them.

[35:11] Yeah, it looks like the king's got him surrounded, but you're like, he, you know, he's surrounded,

[35:15] he's hurt, he's...

[35:16] And the king's gotta fight him with the power of his false beard.

[35:17] Hercules does a very...

[35:18] It's called the Legend of Amphityra.

[35:20] That's a good point.

[35:22] Hercules does a, uh, very lame version of the, like, St. Crispin's Day, they'll never

[35:27] take our freedom, sort of speech that the hero gives to his, to his army before their

[35:31] final battle.

[35:32] They go to the battle...

[35:33] And it's to, like, six dudes, and, like, just a few farmers.

[35:37] They, uh...

[35:39] But somehow, somewhere in the process, he managed to pick up a Nemean lion skin from,

[35:43] I guess, a fuckin' Pier 1, I don't know.

[35:45] I don't know, I don't remember how he got the lion skin, and also...

[35:48] Well, the, uh, other brother sold it to, like, a, like, a pawn shop.

[35:51] Ah.

[35:52] Because he needed quick, he needed fast cash to take Hebe out on a date to try to win her

[35:56] over.

[35:58] His brother is just, like, buying chocolates for her, and he's running out of money.

[36:01] Oh my God, oh my God.

[36:03] Hercules brings me better chocolates.

[36:05] Oh, you...

[36:06] But, uh, and also, along the way, that group of farmers that's fighting for their freedom

[36:10] turns into, like, an elite fighting force, with shields and armor and helmets and everything.

[36:16] But anyway, I guess they're picking up Greek soldiers along the way.

[36:19] But, uh, Hercules calls on his dad, his dad shoots lightning into Hercules's sword, and

[36:24] it becomes kind of an electricity whip that he's just killing dozens of people with.

[36:29] Dozens of, like, jackal-masked Egyptian warriors.

[36:32] Yeah.

[36:33] Uh, because no true Greeks will fight for the king anymore, only these, uh, heartless

[36:37] Egyptian mercenaries, I guess?

[36:39] I don't know.

[36:40] It's so weird, because you kind of thought the Egyptians were busy taking over, overthrowing

[36:45] the Greeks that had colonized them.

[36:47] Yeah.

[36:48] But they still got time to, like, come over and help the king that they were fighting?

[36:51] It doesn't make sense.

[36:52] Yeah, they got invited back, I don't know, for a feast, and then he was like, no feast,

[36:56] you guys fucked up and didn't kill my son, uh, you gotta finish the job, and they're

[37:00] like, I guess we have to.

[37:01] Or was the whole mission that they sent Hercules on a ploy to kill him?

[37:05] And there was never-

[37:06] Yeah, yeah.

[37:07] Okay, then I missed that.

[37:08] Yeah.

[37:09] It was all just, oh, so the Egyptians were working for the king the whole time.

[37:10] You probably lost it when he just started electrocuting everybody with- when Zeus came

[37:15] to him in the form of, uh, like a laser whip, lightning whip?

[37:18] When Zeus came to them in the form of the opening of He-Man, uh, so anyway, uh, they

[37:24] fight and-

[37:25] Unsurprisingly, we have Heracles versus his, I guess, adopted father?

[37:30] Yeah.

[37:31] Uh, and a reactor.

[37:32] I tell ya, for Heracles, he's sure got an Oedipus complex.

[37:35] What?

[37:36] Maybe he made that joke?

[37:38] It's a Greek, it's a Greek myth, Jake.

[37:39] No, but I don't know if it's, is it, is it, uh-

[37:41] It's Greek.

[37:42] It's Greece.

[37:43] Okay.

[37:44] He's trying to kill his dad.

[37:45] But he doesn't want to have sex with his mom, though.

[37:46] Oh, sure he does, but she's dead.

[37:47] It's too late.

[37:49] Is that the subtext?

[37:50] Yeah, the subtext of the whole movie is that Hercules is totally into his mom.

[37:53] Okay.

[37:54] But, uh, it's good, that's why-

[37:55] So they have a fight.

[37:56] That's why this was originally called The Legend of Spanking the Monkey.

[37:58] They have an amazing fight, totally balls to the walls.

[38:01] They have a fight in which Hercules doesn't do that much.

[38:03] He kind of dodges a lot of Amphiratrons.

[38:07] What's his name?

[38:08] Amphityron.

[38:09] Amphityron.

[38:10] Amphiratron, I guess, would be the Transformer version.

[38:12] He's fighting Hercules and then turns into a car.

[38:14] And here's- wait, let me tell you the moment the movie almost could've totally won me over.

[38:19] I mentioned this to you guys.

[38:20] You've been conquering all of Greece for Energon cubes!

[38:23] And then Unicron shows up, yeah.

[38:24] So there's a moment where Hercules is facing off with his dad, and his dad says, I have

[38:30] a surprise for you, Hercules.

[38:32] And at that point, I wanted- if the king had pulled out like a revolver and shot Hercules,

[38:37] I would've been like, movie, you won me back!

[38:40] And suddenly people are driving cars around, and like, Hercules gets in a biplane and is

[38:45] firing at the Egyptians.

[38:46] I would've loved that.

[38:48] If they were just like, you know what, why are we even bothering to pretend that we're-

[38:52] we already have all the Greeks-

[38:53] This doesn't have anything to do with anything.

[38:55] Already, all the Greeks are played by English people.

[38:57] Why don't we just sucker punch this up and have them be in World War I trenches with

[39:01] mechs, you know?

[39:02] Yep.

[39:03] But they didn't do that.

[39:04] Instead, they had a sword fight.

[39:05] They had a fight.

[39:06] Where Hercules really puts the Demi into Demigod in this fight, because he's having a hell

[39:11] of a time with this one mortal.

[39:13] Now, Hercules is super strong.

[39:16] He's much younger and in better shape than the king, and he's wearing a lion's cloak

[39:20] that cannot be pierced by a blade, and yet he still is losing for a while.

[39:24] And he probably grew up watching his adopted father fight, or was chosen by him.

[39:28] He knows his style.

[39:29] Yeah.

[39:30] Anyway, eventually he wins.

[39:32] His brother comes in with Hebe, threatening her, but Hebe sacrifices herself seemingly

[39:37] to kill the brother by stabbing herself through the shoulder and killing him, because the

[39:41] sword goes all the way through and kills him.

[39:45] We call that die-harding somebody.

[39:48] Yeah, because it's hard to die that way.

[39:50] We call that the old Hebe-jeebe, as they called it in ancient Greece.

[39:55] We never know what we're saying when we say that, but we do it all the time.

[39:58] Constantly.

[40:00] He kills the king with the same dagger that killed Hercules's mother and then so they can be together for eternity

[40:06] And then it just fades to Hercules in bed with Hebe as they have a newborn child

[40:11] Oh, yeah, there's no it's not even like and there's no dialogue from that point on and then it's up on the roof

[40:17] And he sees the Hercules

[40:20] You think I assume there was a voiceover from Chiron or somebody explaining like but Hercules survived and became King

[40:27] And that they cut it when did they kill him? Yeah, they killed him after he made him super mad. Oh, that's right

[40:34] Do a voiceover from beyond the grave, okay, but then it does cut to the music is like bah bah bah bah

[40:40] Bah, and then you go see Hercules brooding on a castle top overlooking the kingdom. He is sworn to keep safe from the Joker

[40:48] I guess

[40:49] You look he looks over his shoulder. We see a night sky and then zooming out of the distance the credits

[40:56] Yeah a film by Rennie Harlan. So the implication is Hercules is watching the credits to his own movie

[41:02] He's watching Artemis driver chair. I think I'll call this constellation the credit

[41:09] So

[41:12] That's a Greek myth movie where out of the the stars the constellations form the credit that over there is the is the

[41:19] Winged horse and over there is Draco the dragon and of course the credits

[41:22] If they said it's just like for four stars, but if you connect the lines, right

[41:27] It spells out the names of everyone who made the movie

[41:30] Yeah

[41:32] Defeated Saul Bass and threw him into the sky

[41:35] And that's why the credits is up there

[41:40] Now this is a movie that is very boring for most of it that has like some craziness on the bookends

[41:46] Yeah, which which leaves is we got a

[41:48] Just move along

[41:49] Into Final Judgments whether this is a good bad movie a bad bad movie or a movie kind of like Elliot

[41:54] I think you're you're already kind of getting into it

[41:57] I you know what I'm gonna call this even though it gets a little dull in the middle

[42:00] I am gonna call this a good bad movie because there was enough stuff in it that I enjoyed making fun of while we were

[42:06] Watching it, but I would say it's definitely good bad movie. You've watched the first 15 minutes and then the last 15 minutes

[42:12] Yeah fast forward. Yeah. Yeah, I say good bad for the same reasons basically like it never bored me

[42:18] As much as like the truly bad movies that we've watched. It's not like a 10,000 BC or what was the one with?

[42:24] What's where's the woman? What's her name was in the white out? That was super dull

[42:28] You know that Kate Beckinsale fun

[42:30] The thing is I was kind of assuming we were gonna watch this movie for the flop house

[42:35] because if we weren't going to I was gonna watch it anyway because I

[42:38] Love Scott Adkin who's lays King Emperor Tron?

[42:41] Yeah, the robot king of Greece who begins the movie by chokeslamming a guy and then I guess cutting his helmet off

[42:48] But not his head, which is just his helmet. He's that good with a blade

[42:51] Yeah, and then the rest of the movie he spends with a really fake beard

[42:55] Did you explain to this actor?

[42:57] Scott Adkins is is a like a ninja. Yes. He's a white white guy karate star

[43:03] Yeah, who's been in movies like ninja shadow of a tear or ninja to depending on which which name he's also been in

[43:11] previous Stuart Wellington recommendation

[43:14] Universal Soldier Day of Reckoning

[43:16] He's just like a martial arts, dude

[43:18] But he's a fight guy and he brings I felt he brought a lot more charisma to that role than

[43:23] Most of the cast of this movie according to Wikipedia. He shared the role of Deadpool with Ryan Reynolds

[43:29] Oh, well, he must have done the actual fighting stuff. Yeah, like the slow-motion like bullet slashing and things like that

[43:36] Yeah, but according to Wikipedia, he's best known for playing Yuri Boyka in undisputed to last man standing and undisputed three redemption

[43:44] He gets redemption in the so you can tell them those titles. What kind of actor he is

[43:49] So yeah, I guess I'll say it's a good bad movie. It's been better than some of the other swords and sandals we've seen in the past

[43:57] but before we move on to

[43:59] letters

[44:01] Just a word from our sponsor

[44:02] This episode is brought to you by Squarespace the all-in-one platform making it fast and easy to create your own professional website

[44:10] portfolio and online store

[44:12] You can get a free trial and 10% off by visiting squarespace.com and entering offer code

[44:18] Flophouse at checkout which also helps support this show the flophouse

[44:24] Tell me more about Squarespace Dan. Hey, do you want a website Elliot? Yeah, I do

[44:30] I want yeah, I do. I've always wanted one. How do I do that? I don't know how well you go to Squarespace with a calm

[44:40] Go to Squarespace

[44:44] It's kind of like flat land it's the nerdiest dimension Squarespace no Squarespace calm though

[44:50] That's that sounds like a web that a site that I can go to they've got beautiful design

[44:54] Simple and easy

[44:56] Templates you can use drag-and-drop content for designing your website. Wait a minute

[45:01] So you're saying I don't need to know how to code like a dork. No, I mean if you have to drag-and-drop

[45:06] Yeah, that's not dragons. It's dragging something. I don't think I could drop a dragon

[45:11] I love you don't have to drag this thing with your hands

[45:13] You're not like Hercules with like a chain and a big rock on it. If only just drag it with your mouse

[45:19] So what if I don't have a pet mouse?

[45:22] Yeah, do you need Squarespace because it doesn't sound like you know anything about technology

[45:28] even a guy like me who doesn't even know what a computer is could use Squarespace especially because they've got

[45:32] 24-7 support through live chat and email

[45:35] Plan started just $8 a month including a free domain name if you sign up for one year

[45:40] And it's got responsive design. So your website podcast $8 a month

[45:45] I could I could afford that just by skipping one Popeye's meal, which I'm not doing no, but I could that's how cheap it is

[45:50] Yeah, but uh, so why don't you start a trial with no credit card required and start building your website?

[45:57] Just go to squarespace.com and use offer code flop house

[46:01] Thank you to Squarespace for continuing to support the flop house and viewers like you

[46:07] It's a great way to set up a website selling bootleg flop house merchandise. Don't do that

[46:11] Maybe well only if we get a cut which I guess makes it not bootleg

[46:15] It's not really much of a revenue

[46:20] I think I'll go there today to make my old-time movie site Stuart will go there to make his castle freak site and Dan will

[46:26] Go there to make a porno site

[46:28] It's called whose wife's butt is that

[46:37] Move on to letters

[46:40] this first

[46:42] Two letters done with that other stuff. Let's move on

[46:46] We're done here. So go near but rather far to where the letters are. Let's move on

[46:54] moving on letters

[46:58] We gotta move to those letters cuz those letters won't move on to us let's move on

[47:04] Letters was filmed before a live studio audience

[47:07] City was sit good letter

[47:10] So

[47:16] You know, it's Steven J. Kanell's pulling out of his typewriter at the end a letter to the flop house

[47:20] Unfortunately, he doesn't get here because he just throws it in the air

[47:23] This one's titled. Does he think the fucking faith?

[47:30] It turns into a letter C. So at that point we can't read it. Yeah, well we can read the C part

[47:37] The letters are for Dan that's good enough for me. So you're saying this is Steven J. Cookie production

[47:43] Anyway, this first letter is titled Batman villains. Okay, I like it. Hey floppers. Hey

[47:48] I just had to report on something of great importance to the podcast

[47:52] Last night my five-year-old daughter wanted to play Batgirl

[47:55] She's a Batgirl Halloween and brings it out occasionally mainly I suspect now, which bad girl are we talking about here?

[48:01] Oracle she's not back girl anymore. No, I'm just you're Barbara Gordon before the pre paralyzing. Yeah

[48:10] Anyone has read comics in 20 years brings it out. Occasionally mainly I suspect is an excuse to beat up on poor old dad

[48:16] So as we were playing I had the chance to be several Batman villains

[48:19] But as I had no makeup, it was difficult to convey the Joker and Two-Face

[48:24] Also, I'm about six feet tall and couldn't find a top hat an umbrella. So the penguin was out as well

[48:29] Desperate to keep his daughter entertained to do I was at a loss until the flop house popped in my mind clock King

[48:36] Yes calendar, man

[48:38] It was the emergence of several new Batman villains

[48:41] I started with my favorites the summarizer and the contest ruiner

[48:44] But as I was dealing with a five-year-old the subtle nuances of the fairly abstract hair

[48:49] Yeah, they don't have the same kind of easy hooks. Yeah, but then as a fire bug killer Brock

[48:55] I looked down to see there was a seven on my t-shirt. Yes, it was time for seven pounds to terrorize Gotham City

[49:02] I'm thrilled to report that seven pounds was a rousing success with her

[49:05] She only looked at me like an idiot once or twice far fewer times than what I get for my wife

[49:09] Who I suspect was sniffing around trying to detect the scent of alcohol on me

[49:14] More importantly adopting the seven pounds persona doubled as a teachable moment as I worked in crimes

[49:19] It consisted of stealing things in multiples of seven

[49:21] Sadly I was eventually defeated aka hitting the nuts

[49:26] As Batman defeats the Batgirl defeats most of her villains

[49:29] And dragged off to Arkema asylum where I suspect I'll be serving five to seven years or days

[49:35] Considering on how escapable that place is. Yeah, so I'm happy to report on the honor system

[49:41] One of the three villains is ready for print in my opinion

[49:44] I suspect this is the green right for Elliot to make the jump from Marvel to DC and start a new life

[49:48] I suspect this is the green right for Elliot to make the jump from Marvel to DC and start his own storyline in Batman

[49:53] I expect that when all the money comes in from the sales and myriad prizes the story is likely to win

[49:57] Pulitzer, Eisner, Emmy, Oscar and eventually

[50:00] I will be fairly compensated for doing this proof-of-concept work for you, Tom.

[50:04] I think the biggest crime that he committed as the Seven Pounds character

[50:10] is giving all of the copyright credit to Elliot Kalin.

[50:14] He would have stolen seven copyrights.

[50:19] Well, the one time I tried to pitch Batgirl stories to DC, none of them were taken.

[50:26] But I have a new contact at DC, so who knows? Maybe.

[50:30] I would love to introduce Seven Pounds into that universe somehow.

[50:34] Is there a lot of Marvel-Distinguished Competition crossover?

[50:38] Between staff? Yes.

[50:40] There's really only two games in town when it comes to comic books.

[50:44] I mean, there are other companies, but for the most part,

[50:47] people bounce between Marvel and DC quite a bit.

[50:49] Yeah, I just didn't know whether they lock people down or what.

[50:53] I mean, you get contract, I guess.

[50:55] But my contact at DC, Katie Kubert, now works at Marvel,

[50:59] and my long-time Marvel editor, Tom Brennan, is now at DC.

[51:03] And who's your real Freaky Friday?

[51:05] Not really.

[51:06] Who's your contacted image so you can write some Youngblood?

[51:09] Unfortunately, I don't have any, but I would love to write Youngblood,

[51:12] or perhaps any image character.

[51:13] There's Bloodwolf, Bloodblood, and of course, Stoneblood Bloodface.

[51:19] And let's not forget Rocketbutt.

[51:26] All the great Rob Liefeld characters.

[51:32] Oh boy.

[51:33] Guess what his power is?

[51:35] It's not what you think.

[51:37] Telepathy.

[51:38] Oh, you guessed it, yeah.

[51:40] Also, his butt is a rocket.

[51:42] Which I guess is just cannonball.

[51:44] Yeah, it's not really his power.

[51:46] He's more inconvenient than anything.

[51:49] You do not want to use the bathroom after him,

[51:51] because the toilet has been destroyed.

[51:54] Rocketbutt!

[51:55] Rocketbutt.

[51:59] The weird thing is, no one's guessed his secret identity.

[52:01] Sure, where's the trench coat?

[52:03] I think he's some nerdy kid.

[52:05] With really baggy pants.

[52:10] What is that lump in your butt?

[52:12] Who's buying all the Zubas in town?

[52:15] I've got hemorrhoids.

[52:17] He says, Slater hasn't lived here in years.

[52:24] There's a Zuba store, and Slater had moved away,

[52:27] so they were about to close down,

[52:29] and then this kid walked in, saved the store.

[52:33] The store manager looking at his bills, he's like,

[52:36] I can't pay it, I don't know what's going to happen.

[52:38] Ever since Albert Clifford walked out of town.

[52:41] His actual name, look it up.

[52:43] So, this second letter is titled,

[52:45] Much Nicer Flophouse Fanfic.

[52:48] And it begins, page one.

[52:50] Feels like a trick.

[52:52] Page one, start of book one.

[52:55] Page one, the Flophouse was at a nice carnival

[52:58] where good things were happening, then they fucked.

[53:00] Wait, what?

[53:01] Anyway.

[53:02] Page one, start of book one,

[53:03] Stuart Wellington versus New York City.

[53:05] Okay, I like it so far.

[53:07] It was a rainy night in Dan's apartment

[53:09] when Elliot crashed in,

[53:10] a terrified expression on his face.

[53:12] Sounds accurate.

[53:13] The Flophouse house cat jumped off of Stuart's lap,

[53:15] waking him from his drunken stupor.

[53:18] That's the house cat?

[53:19] The cat is Elliot.

[53:20] Oh yeah, let's continue.

[53:22] As Elliot slammed the door behind him.

[53:24] Dan, Elliot began,

[53:25] your downstairs neighbors have been murdered

[53:27] by a gang of street marauders.

[53:29] Like Death Wish 3, Stuart asked,

[53:31] wiping glitter off his face from a party

[53:33] he'd thrown in Dan's apartment the night before.

[53:35] Exactly like Death Wish 3, replied Elliot.

[53:38] Was I not invited to this party?

[53:40] Why am I walking in now?

[53:42] Stuart and Elliot embraced,

[53:43] saddening Dan as no one had ever hugged him.

[53:46] Oh, that's not true at all.

[53:48] I've seen Dan hugged by people.

[53:50] Thanks for the backup, dude.

[53:53] I'll provide you a hug alibi, Dan.

[53:56] You have felt the warmth of a human embrace.

[53:59] Just write the footnote in there in pen.

[54:01] Well, I think we should stay here where it's safe,

[54:03] said Dan, ruining the situation for everyone.

[54:06] Dan, you're ruining this for everyone, Stuart replied,

[54:08] picking up his .44 Magnum,

[54:10] which had been attached to his arm

[54:11] with a fuzzy pink handcuff.

[54:13] Let's take these fuckers down.

[54:14] This is not a bit.

[54:16] We're going to get them, said Elliot.

[54:17] We're going to John Getzem.

[54:19] We're going to Tony Collettem.

[54:20] We're going to Robert Brisson's Mouchetem.

[54:22] After Elliot finished listing words

[54:23] that sounded like other words,

[54:24] much to Stuart's delight,

[54:26] there are other rainy New York streets.

[54:30] Page 2093, end of book 3,

[54:34] Stuart Wellington versus Al Madrigal.

[54:36] So, Dan, was the castle freak all along,

[54:38] asked Carly Gugino,

[54:40] getting up off of Elliot's lap

[54:41] to polish their shared key to the city?

[54:43] There's no reason why she has to get up off my lap.

[54:45] Elliot and Mayor...

[54:47] Somebody just brings the key over.

[54:48] There's a lot of lap...

[54:49] Wait, so is my relation with Carly Gugino

[54:50] similar to yours with the house cat?

[54:52] There's a lot of lap sitting.

[54:53] Anyway, continue.

[54:54] Elliot and Mayor Wellington

[54:55] looked around their newly acquired Popeyes franchise,

[54:57] taking in the smell.

[54:59] Yeah, I guess he was, said Stuart.

[55:01] I'm amazed we got away from that burning castle in time

[55:04] Elliot said.

[55:05] I guess you could say it was a million-dollar getaway.

[55:08] Everyone laughed at Elliot's hilarious callback,

[55:10] and even the flap-house house cat

[55:12] peeked up through the pile of fried chicken

[55:14] he was under to join in.

[55:17] Meow! he said.

[55:19] Little did they know that

[55:20] behind the walls of that very Popeyes,

[55:22] Dan sat playing on his Phantom of the Paradise keyboard,

[55:25] which just amid sighs, plotting his revenge.

[55:29] P.S. Keep up your stellar work, guys.

[55:30] You've consistently made my life richer

[55:32] as I dig through your back catalog.

[55:33] Much love.

[55:34] Vincent, last name withheld.

[55:36] Thanks, Vincent.

[55:37] That was pretty good and an accurate rendition of...

[55:38] Vincent D'Onofrio, big fan of the show.

[55:41] Wow.

[55:42] I saw you in the stage production,

[55:44] and you were great in it.

[55:45] Namedroppers.

[55:47] Namedropping, but I saw him in a play.

[55:49] Stage droppers.

[55:50] He was in a play with Ethan Hawke,

[55:52] and the play was not so great,

[55:53] but Vincent D'Onofrio was a force of nature in it.

[55:56] So thanks for listening, Vincent.

[55:58] Yeah, thank you.

[55:59] Thank you for your literary contribution.

[56:00] And I'm just going to stick up for Dan.

[56:01] He's a great guy,

[56:02] who I don't think would turn out to be a monster

[56:04] or a recluse in the wall.

[56:06] Thank you.

[56:07] But if you were a recluse in the wall...

[56:09] If any of us was going to be, it would be Dan.

[56:11] Terrifying.

[56:12] Horrifying, yeah.

[56:13] And you know what, Dan?

[56:14] Just to be on the record,

[56:15] I'm going to hug you right now.

[56:16] You like that?

[56:17] Yeah.

[56:18] Okay.

[56:19] Arms around you.

[56:20] Chainmail sound effects.

[56:21] Chainmail sound effects.

[56:22] The magic of hug sounds.

[56:23] Hug sounds.

[56:24] Squish.

[56:25] Dan, you're feeling very squishy.

[56:29] Is there a packet of mayonnaise in your pocket?

[56:31] Why do you have a bunch of squid under your shirt?

[56:34] My own reasons.

[56:36] So this last letter goes like this.

[56:39] Which duck is the best duck?

[56:41] Daffy?

[56:42] Donald?

[56:43] Howard?

[56:44] Scrooge?

[56:45] Destroyer?

[56:46] Darkwing?

[56:47] Huey?

[56:48] Is it Baby Huey?

[56:49] Jacob, last name with L.

[56:50] Well, Jacob, I can tell you it's not Baby Huey,

[56:52] the dumbest of the ducks.

[56:54] I mean, this is pretty boring,

[56:56] but I would go with Scrooge.

[56:57] Well, what do you mean by best?

[56:59] My favorite of those would be Daffy,

[57:02] but he's not reliable, you know, in a situation.

[57:05] And I like Flinthart Glamgold a lot.

[57:08] I would say that maybe.

[57:10] Oh, no, can I say Magic of the Spell?

[57:12] She's a duck, yeah.

[57:13] Okay.

[57:14] And she originally, her first story,

[57:16] she's like a Greek witch, right?

[57:19] Yeah, yeah.

[57:20] It's like a sandwich with Greek dressing on it.

[57:23] Greek witch.

[57:24] I would, Destroyer Duck stood up for the right of Jack Kirby

[57:26] to have his art returned to him by Marvel,

[57:28] so I like him, I guess.

[57:30] But, you know, I'm going to go with Howard, actually.

[57:33] Yeah.

[57:34] What about Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century?

[57:36] See, that's Daffy.

[57:37] That's just Daffy.

[57:38] I hate to break it to you.

[57:39] I thought he was a different guy.

[57:40] Duck Dodgers and Daffy Duck are the same guy.

[57:42] Which one's Space Jammed?

[57:44] Just Daffy.

[57:45] Stuart, Super Grover is also Grover.

[57:48] No, no, damn, we don't know that.

[57:50] But neither of them is the monster at the end of the book, right?

[57:52] No, Grover is.

[57:53] It is the monster at the end of the book.

[57:54] Spoiler alert.

[57:56] I'm sorry to anyone who we just spoiled the end of the monster at the end of this book for.

[58:00] Yeah.

[58:01] You would have found the answer within a minute.

[58:03] I mean, there is half of a spoiler in the title.

[58:06] Only that there's a monster at the end of the book.

[58:08] And the book ends.

[58:09] Not the O'Henry, it's true, that it's not the never-ending story.

[58:13] Sure.

[58:14] That it's not Franz Kafka's The Castle, which ends mid-sentence

[58:17] because he died before finishing it.

[58:20] So I hope that answers your question.

[58:23] Anyway, worthy of O'Henry, the twist at the end of the monster at the end of this book.

[58:27] Let's close out with our usual final segment, recommendations.

[58:32] O'Henry died and became the Cryptkeeper, right?

[58:35] I like that backstory.

[58:36] The Cryptkeeper is the corpse of O'Henry.

[58:40] Stuart, why don't you start us off with a recommendation of a movie you actually liked?

[58:46] Okay, so I've been seeing a lot of movies lately,

[58:48] but I'm going to recommend one I saw very recently at the Angelica Theater in New York City.

[58:55] I mention the theater because it led to a very immersive experience.

[59:00] I went and saw Snowpiercer, a movie about a...

[59:03] I'm planning to see that this Saturday.

[59:05] ...a future where the entire planet is frozen.

[59:08] I like the movie Frozen.

[59:10] Is that a movie?

[59:12] Frozen? Yeah, it is.

[59:14] And all that's left of humanity lives on a super train.

[59:19] So in the Angelica Theater, you can constantly hear subway sounds,

[59:23] and it was super freezing cold from the cranked up AC, so it was an immersive movie.

[59:29] So the things that usually make the Angelica a terrible place to go for movies...

[59:32] Perfect for Snowpiercer.

[59:33] They should have called Snowpiercer Super Train to Cold Town.

[59:38] All aboard!

[59:40] Bring your parka.

[59:41] Let me call Director Junho Bong.

[59:44] Of the host?

[59:45] Yes, of the host.

[59:46] And Memories of Murder, another movie I recommend.

[59:49] Which I actually like much more than the host.

[59:51] Memories of Murder.

[59:52] That's crazy. You love monsters.

[59:54] I do, but...

[59:55] Maybe it just shows how great Memories of Murder is.

[59:58] Exactly, there you go.

[1:00:00] great too. In some ways I feel like it's a movie that would be much less

[1:00:06] good in the hands of a less skillful filmmaker. It's a great sci-fi movie. It

[1:00:12] gets a little bit heady and a little bit overly metaphorical near the end. In some

[1:00:18] ways it feels like if somebody were to make a movie of the

[1:00:22] Bioshock video game with all the plasmids and shit, that's kind of how it

[1:00:26] feels like. Kind of with some great Wizard of Oz references and everything

[1:00:31] but I'm not going to talk that much more about it. It's great. You should go see it

[1:00:34] if you like sci-fi and or action. Well as I referenced earlier in the show, I

[1:00:41] went to England recently and you know what that means. Country dropper. I saw a

[1:00:46] lot of movies on plane. For Dan McCoy's Plane Corner, where I talk about...

[1:00:54] What's that in the sky? Who's that sighing guy? Dan McCoy, flying so high. Up in the blue

[1:01:02] where the movies are new to you. Plane Corner. So I watched five movies. Wow.

[1:01:11] Going there and back. And you hate books. And sleeping. Fourteen hours worth of

[1:01:18] possible movie watching time. So I watched... Wow. Really made an impression, huh? No, no. I got

[1:01:29] this. I love Trouble over and over again. I watched the Lego movie. I

[1:01:34] watched The Hunger Games Catching Fire. Sure. I watched 12 Years a Slave. Catch

[1:01:40] that kid. I watched Muppets Most Wanted and Jack Ryan Shatter Recruit. Are you

[1:01:46] recommending all of these? I would say that I would watch any of these

[1:01:50] movies not on a plane. Wow. Enjoy them all to one degree or another. Even Shatter Recruit.

[1:01:56] Yeah, even Shatter Recruit. Which by the way, I wanted to mention, after we trashed

[1:02:01] Three Days to Kill, Kevin Costner is the sporting actor, the main, like the second

[1:02:07] male lead in Shatter Recruit. I guess Kenneth Branagh is probably the second male lead. But

[1:02:12] Kevin Costner is like Chris Pine's handler at the CIA. And he's very

[1:02:17] enjoyable in it. And speaking of Three Days to Kill, I noticed as I was going

[1:02:22] home, flying home, that the guy in front of me who was wearing a black French

[1:02:26] coat and had one of those stupid haircuts where it was very shaved on the

[1:02:30] side and very long on top and had his sunglasses. Yeah, and he also looked back and

[1:02:35] he had his sunglasses on the top of his head the entire time he was in the

[1:02:38] plane. Yeah, in case it got bright on the plane. And who put his chair all the way

[1:02:44] back. Keep spinning a word portrait about this man, Dan. You're like Charles

[1:02:48] Dickens. This guy put his chair, leaned his chair all the way back in front of

[1:02:52] me, which basically makes you a human monster in my book. Hugh Monster. He was

[1:02:56] watching Three Days to Kill. That's what he decided to watch. He watched it over and over again.

[1:03:01] Yeah. Slow-mo. No, I felt very validated in my hatred for this man when I saw what

[1:03:06] then his movie choice had been. Wow. So what you're saying, Dan, about the movies you

[1:03:10] saw was, you think they should get these motherfucking movies off that

[1:03:14] motherfucking plane. And into their hearts. And watch them. Yeah. Onto their TVs. Onto their eyeballs.

[1:03:19] So, Stu Elliott, what do you have to say? You really could not remember my name for a moment.

[1:03:25] It's true. We've known each other for almost ten years. And you were looking directly at his face.

[1:03:28] You were looking right at me. There's only two other hosts besides you.

[1:03:31] My problems with words are well documented. I'm your boss, Dan. Couldn't even remember my name.

[1:03:35] Yeah. Just kidding. I'm just saying I'm boss. Yeah. I'm super cool. I'm a rude dude with two.

[1:03:41] That's just how it is. Anyway, I wanted to recommend a... The Croods. Star of the Croods.

[1:03:49] Yep. Sometimes nude in the shower. Occasionally booed on stage.

[1:03:55] Flued? Is that a word? And enjoying the music of Yehuda Menuhin.

[1:04:02] Sure. But anyway, so... He likes his pork stewed.

[1:04:06] Yep. Don't want to be gooed. That's when goo is thrown at you. But I love the art of Steve Rude.

[1:04:15] I already used that one. What about lewd? I used it, but that was before I had a word.

[1:04:19] Now it's a name. Anyway, occasionally lewd. So I wanted to recommend a good Greek myth movie

[1:04:25] because I haven't seen anything recently I really liked. I watched on a plane the first amazing

[1:04:30] Spider-Man movie, the first one of the ones with what's-his-face. Yeah. And I didn't like it very

[1:04:36] much. I was disappointed in it. So anyway, so I wanted to recommend a classic Greek myth movie,

[1:04:42] but the only really good ones that come to mind are, that are not just wild retellings of the

[1:04:47] story, you know, Orpheus the Poet and things like, or Blood of the Poets and stuff like that,

[1:04:52] is the Ray Harryhausen movies, which I assume our listeners have seen or are already aware of.

[1:04:57] So instead, I'll recommend a Greek movie. How about that?

[1:05:01] Called Zorba the Greek. Called Zorba the Greek. Or rather,

[1:05:06] I think I'm going to recommend a movie that people have probably already heard of, but they may have

[1:05:09] missed it when it came out. You guys, I think, have seen it called Dogtooth, which is nominated

[1:05:14] for the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film. And it's a weirdo movie about a mother and father who

[1:05:20] keep their kids in their house and teach them wrong things about the outside world, including

[1:05:25] what different words mean, and also are deciding which daughter to pair off with the son to have

[1:05:31] sex with. It's a totally crazy movie, but in a way, it embodies somewhat the morality you find

[1:05:39] in Greek myths in that the authority figures are not bound by what we consider goodness or justice,

[1:05:46] and instead create a world in which the main characters, the kids, have to survive or figure

[1:05:52] out ways to free themselves, even though the only probable fate is destruction, because they really

[1:05:59] can't survive in the outside world when you think about it. So it's not a retelling of Greek myths,

[1:06:04] but I feel like it embodies that sensibility in some ways.

[1:06:07] That's interesting, Elliot, that you say that, because IMDb user Cliff Brissette says,

[1:06:13] not only is it one out of ten,

[1:06:18] but he was lured in by promises of an awesomely dysfunctional family, insanity, and death.

[1:06:22] But where was the plot?

[1:06:25] Yeah.

[1:06:25] I mean, it's a movie told through incidents.

[1:06:26] But for some reason, they decide to stretch it into an hour and a half of torture,

[1:06:30] and not the good kind.

[1:06:31] So I guess you listeners are going to have to decide who you're going to believe,

[1:06:34] Elliot or Cliff Brissette.

[1:06:36] I recommend a different movie, too, I guess.

[1:06:39] One out of ten.

[1:06:40] You know what? If you don't like that one, I'll recommend a French movie set in Greece,

[1:06:43] Z. How about that?

[1:06:45] Loosely based on the military coup that overthrew the Greek government.

[1:06:50] It's a really good kind of whodunit political thriller.

[1:06:54] So there you go.

[1:06:54] If you want plot, watch Z.

[1:06:56] If you want a weirdo, creepsy movie, watch Dog Tooth.

[1:07:00] You've beaten my skills at finding negative reviews of movies that you recommend.

[1:07:05] Put it on the DVD case.

[1:07:06] If you want a weirdo, creepsy movie.

[1:07:08] Elliot Kalin, The Flop House.

[1:07:10] So, guys, that was a pretty crazy episode.

[1:07:13] A lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lot of zaniness.

[1:07:17] I look forward to listening back to it and remembering what the hell we talked about.

[1:07:21] All I remember is that at one point, Carl Gugino sat on my lap, I think.

[1:07:24] Yeah.

[1:07:25] Dan was complaining that we...

[1:07:26] I'll never take that away from you.

[1:07:27] Dan, you were complaining about some listener that didn't like

[1:07:30] how little we talked about the movie or something.

[1:07:33] Well, he will hate this episode if he's still listening.

[1:07:36] He isn't.

[1:07:37] No.

[1:07:38] So all the talk we did about that was wasted.

[1:07:41] I'll tell you what.

[1:07:41] Let's end on a cheery note.

[1:07:43] Flop House forever, right, guys?

[1:07:45] The three Flopsketeers.

[1:07:47] All for one and one for flops.

[1:07:49] Yeah.

[1:07:51] Yeah.

[1:07:52] There's Stuos, Danos, and Elliotanion.

[1:07:56] The three Flopsketeers.

[1:08:00] And the house cats, because it's four.

[1:08:02] Yeah.

[1:08:03] Yeah.

[1:08:04] I mean, honestly, like, D'Artagnan isn't really one of the three Musketeers.

[1:08:10] Elliotanion sounds awesome.

[1:08:12] Yeah.

[1:08:12] Thank you.

[1:08:13] Sounds kind of like Biftan.

[1:08:16] It's a cross between a musketeer and a bully from the 1950s.

[1:08:22] So on that note of a word that sounded kind of like another word...

[1:08:25] But not really.

[1:08:26] For the Flop House, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:08:29] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:08:31] And I remain to this day, Elliot Kalin.

[1:08:33] Good night, everyone.

[1:08:49] Yep.

[1:08:49] Hey.

[1:08:50] To us.

[1:08:50] Hey, it's Miller time.

[1:08:53] Is it Miller time?

[1:08:55] Yeah, it's 10.05.

[1:08:57] Yeah.

[1:08:58] So it's five past Miller time.

[1:09:01] So are we going to record this?

[1:09:02] Or are we just going to talk about how much Miller time?

[1:09:04] No, let's just...

[1:09:05] Let's argue about the precise definition of Miller time.

[1:09:07] I mean, I'm not the right authority for this.

[1:09:09] 10 p.m. is Miller time, which is...

[1:09:11] You'd think it would be earlier.

[1:09:13] Yeah, like a six or...

[1:09:15] Well, it's seven.

[1:09:17] Not really.

[1:09:19] I would think it's 10.05 because it runs on the TBS broadcast schedule.

[1:09:23] I guess they don't do that anymore.

[1:09:24] They're very funny.

[1:09:26] Anyway.

The Flop House: Episode #157 - The Legend of Hercules

Transcript

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