The Flop House: Episode #161 - A Talking Cat!?!

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the exuberantly punctuated A Talking Cat.

[0:31] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:34] Hey, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] You've been suitably welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:40] The rude one of the bunch.

[0:42] Full of tood.

[0:44] Full of tood and chicken.

[0:46] So you're going to be the bad boy today.

[0:48] Oh yeah, I'm the original bad boy that ladies love.

[0:50] Dan, you want to be, what, the young cute one?

[0:54] Sure.

[0:55] Okay.

[0:56] I'll be the Paul McCartney of the group.

[0:58] And that makes me like the kind of artsy one.

[1:01] What, the one that's good at math?

[1:03] Yeah, you're the artsy mathly.

[1:05] Yeah.

[1:06] I mean, they're not mutually exclusive.

[1:08] You're the physics genius.

[1:10] Yeah.

[1:11] That's the other archetype.

[1:12] Yeah, every boy band has the bad boy, the cute one, and the physics genius.

[1:16] So this is...

[1:18] Who can forget?

[1:19] Just like the Beatles.

[1:20] The core group, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and Stephen Hawking.

[1:25] Young Stevie Hawking.

[1:28] I want to hold your hand.

[1:30] That's great.

[1:31] I'm glad.

[1:32] How is that offensive?

[1:33] That's how he talks.

[1:34] He's a computer.

[1:35] He's a computer.

[1:36] He's a computer that uses a mannequin to pretend he's a person.

[1:40] We all know the truth behind Stephen Hawking.

[1:42] Let's not fool ourselves.

[1:43] He's actually deep blue.

[1:44] Yeah.

[1:45] No, he's very blue.

[1:46] He's sad because he can never love being a computer.

[1:48] He'd like to hold your hand, as Elliot just said.

[1:50] What is love?

[1:52] Baby, don't hurt me.

[1:54] Don't hurt me no more.

[1:56] I didn't know that was one of his songs.

[1:57] That was a Beatles song?

[1:58] Ba-da-dee-dum-dum, ba-da-da-dee.

[2:01] That was one of the songs that the Beatles wrote but for someone else.

[2:03] Okay.

[2:04] Like that one for the Mamas and Papas.

[2:06] Forced someone else?

[2:07] Yeah, yeah.

[2:08] Forced someone else to watch a movie like we did tonight.

[2:10] Oh, boy.

[2:11] What is this podcast about, Dan?

[2:12] Well, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[2:15] This is number two in small timber.

[2:18] Now, there was some confusion.

[2:20] No, no, no.

[2:21] Small vember.

[2:22] There was some confusion.

[2:23] There was some confusion.

[2:25] There was some confusion whether it was small timber or small vember,

[2:28] and it could be enhanced by my stupid mouth.

[2:32] Your mouth is quite dumb.

[2:34] Where's your mouth's degree from?

[2:37] It's from Case Western.

[2:39] Exactly.

[2:41] But the very idea of a small vember is absurd on its face.

[2:45] Clearly, small timber.

[2:47] There was a small wonder.

[2:48] Why can't there be a small vember?

[2:50] Exactly.

[2:51] That's the month we watch small wonder.

[2:52] You've got small timber.

[2:54] Dan, there was small soldiers, and that's crazy.

[2:57] Below a certain height of soldiers effectiveness is nil.

[3:00] Not according to that movie.

[3:03] They took on Phil Hartman.

[3:04] They took on Kirsten Dunst.

[3:05] They took on a lot of people.

[3:07] They took on Phil Hartman.

[3:08] I guess they did.

[3:09] They're the bad guys.

[3:10] Spoiler alert.

[3:12] So small timber, obviously, followed by Shocktober, followed by November,

[3:19] which means there's no theme in November.

[3:21] Okay, that's fair.

[3:23] We only watch Dr. No.

[3:25] In small timber, we watch smaller movers here at the Flop House,

[3:29] and we're no good deed.

[3:30] Boom.

[3:31] Boom.

[3:32] No good deed's a movie.

[3:33] No what?

[3:34] Anyway.

[3:35] No good deed, the movie where Idris Elba plays a twist, I think.

[3:38] Yeah, it's got some kind of shocking twist that I don't know what it is.

[3:41] So small vember is when we watch low-budget movies made smaller by small people.

[3:46] Yeah, like The Terror of Tiny Town?

[3:49] Yes, exactly.

[3:51] The only all midget western.

[3:53] So last episode we watched God's Not Dead.

[3:56] Right.

[3:57] Which had all the acting chops of Kevin Sorbo.

[4:00] Which was, I mean, depending on which critics you ask, not a flop really at all.

[4:05] I mean, it was a huge financial success.

[4:08] Oh, yeah.

[4:09] If you ask God, he says it was the best movie ever.

[4:12] And a huge critical success, I assume, among, I don't know, like Church Bulletin?

[4:17] Yeah.

[4:18] That was the surprising thing.

[4:19] The surprising number of critical church reviews of it.

[4:22] Yeah, because it was not Christian enough.

[4:24] And not a good movie.

[4:25] But I saw someone posted on the Flophouse Facebook page, like reviews.

[4:30] Join it today.

[4:31] That were negative about it because the argument that the kid makes acknowledges the fact of the Big Bang.

[4:38] Ah, I see.

[4:39] Yeah, and evolution.

[4:41] So that was not Christian enough.

[4:43] But today we're watching a different small movie.

[4:47] It was called A Talking Cat?

[4:50] A Talking Cat?

[4:52] A Talking Cat, huh?

[4:54] Who would have heard of such a thing?

[4:56] Because the title is A Talking Cat, exclamation point, question mark, exclamation point.

[5:00] I suppose.

[5:02] I don't know why your version of the title is so Jewish, Stewart.

[5:06] That's my Charlie Rango impression.

[5:08] Charlie Rango?

[5:09] I guess I'm a lizard cowboy.

[5:11] I'm a lizard cowboy that represents Harlem in Congress.

[5:16] Charlie Rango.

[5:19] Not to be confused with Charlie Ragu, the congressman who is a spaghetti sauce.

[5:25] Sounds a little bit like someone who's just alone all of a sudden.

[5:28] Yeah, well, he's also got spaghetti sauce in his veins, you know.

[5:33] Spaghetti sauce.

[5:34] It was spaghetti sauce.

[5:37] A Talking Cat in tarot bang with an extra bang.

[5:41] So in tarot bang, is that a porn movie about punctuation?

[5:44] Like the copy editors are checking the newspaper articles late at night, and one thing leads to another.

[5:50] Yeah.

[5:52] Well, if there was a pornographic movie, it could have been shot on the set of A Talking Cat?

[5:57] Because here's the thing.

[5:58] A Talking Cat is a movie that, let's just say right off the top,

[6:01] every scene feels like it risks being about to turn into a porno scene,

[6:05] even the ones between family members.

[6:07] There's just this weird porn tone to the whole thing.

[6:11] And maybe it's just the awkwardness of the acting and the amateurishness of the shooting of the film.

[6:15] Well, but we can't.

[6:16] Spells out porn.

[6:17] We can't ignore the fact that the director, David de Cocteau, who here was. . .

[6:22] De Cocteau, I think it is.

[6:24] De Cocteau, yeah, he directed The Blood of a Poet, Orpheus.

[6:29] He was, what was the nom de plume he was operating?

[6:33] He directed under the name Mary Crawford.

[6:35] Yeah, but this director had directed a bunch of softcore films,

[6:40] mostly gay softcore films.

[6:42] He did some straight stuff earlier in his career.

[6:44] But that's not. . .

[6:45] Like the straight story?

[6:46] He's not just a porn director.

[6:48] He's a sleaze director.

[6:49] And that's the thing that I want to say about this movie,

[6:51] is that it was made by a. . .

[6:52] This is an incredibly amateurish movie that was made by a bunch of actual professionals,

[6:57] like the director, who's also the guy behind it.

[6:59] There's probably like 150 movies.

[7:00] He made Sorority Babes and the Slime Ball Bolorama.

[7:03] He made Test Tube Teens from the year 2000.

[7:05] Beach Babes from Beyond.

[7:07] A lot of movies. . .

[7:08] Pre-Hysteria 3.

[7:09] He made Retro Puppet Master,

[7:11] the movie that readers of The Disaster Artist may recognize

[7:14] as starring room star Greg Sestero.

[7:17] But aside from him, the two main adult leads in this were played by

[7:21] one of the former child stars of . . .

[7:25] A Family Affair.

[7:26] A Family Affair, the TV show,

[7:27] and also an actress, Kristen DeBell,

[7:31] who Dan was very excited to find was the star of Alice in Wonderland,

[7:35] an X-rated musical comedy from the 70s.

[7:38] But she was also in Meatballs.

[7:40] She was in, you know, actual movies.

[7:42] Yeah, she's had a long, if you pardon me, straight career.

[7:46] Did Meatballs have . . .

[7:48] Was that the one with the alien, or was that Meatballs 2?

[7:50] No, that was like Meatballs 4.

[7:51] That was like three years . . .

[7:52] Yeah, that was with one of the . . .

[7:53] I think it happened sooner.

[7:54] I think it happened later on.

[7:56] Then also, and the music, which we noticed was incredibly terrible,

[8:00] was composed, supposedly, according to the credits,

[8:03] by the same guy who did the music for the Friday the 13th series.

[8:05] Holy shit.

[8:06] Like, he's done a ton of movies.

[8:08] Swamp Thing . . .

[8:09] I can't believe that, because it all sounds like library music.

[8:12] It all sounds like MIDI library music,

[8:14] some of which is like sound-alikes for other things.

[8:16] One of Stuart's favorite movies, Wishmaster, he did the score for.

[8:19] That's easily one of my favorite movies.

[8:20] Later Next . . .

[8:21] There's one piece of music in there that is clearly just

[8:24] It's a Small World After All, tuned down like a step or two.

[8:28] Yeah, just for public domain purposes.

[8:30] I think this is a lot of people putting in as little time as possible,

[8:33] and no one put in less time than this big-name star, Eric Roberts.

[8:37] The titular talking cat.

[8:39] So, the talking cat . . .

[8:40] The talking cat?

[8:41] On screen, the talking cat is played by, as the credits say,

[8:43] special guest star Squeaky.

[8:45] Squeaky?

[8:46] He's a cat named Squeaky.

[8:47] He was playing a cat named Duffy.

[8:49] Special guest star.

[8:50] His voice is . . .

[8:51] On loan from what?

[8:52] From his owner.

[8:54] From the old lady who lives down the street.

[8:56] Yeah, he's normally starring and sitting around and cleaning himself.

[9:00] Everybody, the star of Night Court, Squeaky.

[9:04] We're very lucky to get . . .

[9:06] Look, you normally only see him in the litter box.

[9:09] Squeaky.

[9:10] He's voiced by Eric Roberts, who is a big-name star.

[9:13] He was also in a flop house from before the Steam Experiment.

[9:16] A big-name star in the children's movie universe.

[9:19] But he does the voice of the cat in a way that has been described, I think,

[9:23] by others as a man sitting in the bathroom on the phone

[9:26] doing a first cold read of the script

[9:29] and occasionally just going off and doing whatever he wants.

[9:31] Yeah, he doesn't seem to necessarily . . .

[9:33] I mean, if the script didn't say it expressly several times,

[9:37] I don't think that he would know that he was voicing a talking cat.

[9:40] No, but luckily the character points out to us, the audience,

[9:42] and to every single character, I'm a talking cat.

[9:45] With every line he reads, you can imagine the bathrobe he's wearing,

[9:50] the reading glasses lazily sliding down his nose.

[9:54] The peanut butter and jelly sandwich he's preparing.

[9:56] You can almost hear the television that's on in the background.

[10:00] He's watching while he does this recording.

[10:03] Like, you can almost see the board game he's playing with,

[10:07] I assume a nephew, while he does this.

[10:10] I imagine if it's Mark Roberts.

[10:12] Because he's trying to get into character.

[10:13] You can hear the wind rush by the car window

[10:16] as he drives somewhere else.

[10:18] He's reading the options in the Leisure Suit Larry

[10:20] computer game he's playing.

[10:24] Wow, he's just now getting around to playing Leisure Suit Larry.

[10:27] Robert, this is like 10th playthrough.

[10:30] He loves those games.

[10:31] I like it, because it's dirty, but not too dirty.

[10:33] He's like, look, someday I don't want to use a strategy guide.

[10:37] I'm going to unlock all the boobs myself.

[10:40] As long as there's a set of boobs I haven't seen in this game,

[10:43] I'm going to keep playing it.

[10:44] Thank you, Sierra Software.

[10:46] Oh, Sierra, what happened to you?

[10:48] Roberta Williams, whither art thou?

[10:52] Which may raise the question, what happened to Sierra?

[10:55] They're not like an Xbox or PlayStation 4 Leisure Suit Larry.

[11:00] LucasArts still makes games.

[11:02] No, they shut LucasArts down.

[11:03] They did?

[11:04] Yeah.

[11:04] What?

[11:05] What?

[11:05] I'm sorry, Dan.

[11:07] This isn't how you find out.

[11:08] That is like the one game company you can name.

[11:11] Oh my god.

[11:11] No more Maniac Mansion games.

[11:13] No more Groom Fandango.

[11:15] Full Throttle 2, sorry, it's not happening.

[11:17] But Monkey Island, right?

[11:20] I'm sorry, Monkey Island was bombed.

[11:22] It's been used as a nuke testing range.

[11:25] All the monkeys are dead.

[11:27] Anyway, so there was a cat who talked or something?

[11:33] So this is the story of a bunch of stock footage of a forest,

[11:36] and also a beach, and also the exterior of a house

[11:40] that is intercut with scenes involving a talking cat.

[11:43] These are all supposed to be within walking distance of each other,

[11:46] but it appears to be Hawaii, the Pacific Northwest,

[11:49] and the coast of California.

[11:50] And Southern California.

[11:52] Now, here's the thing.

[11:53] The movie never actually suggests that these places

[11:56] are where this movie is taking place.

[11:58] It merely does this.

[12:00] It could be anywhere.

[12:00] It's a real Kuleshov experiment, where it just presents you

[12:04] with a location, and then cuts to a scene,

[12:07] and it forces you, the viewer, to make the choice

[12:10] that this is where the scene is taking place.

[12:11] We're as complicit in the shitty filmmaking of this movie as anybody.

[12:15] So let's talk.

[12:16] It's a real indictment.

[12:17] What he's doing here is really calling into question

[12:20] the whole artifice of film.

[12:21] If we can't trust a talking cat to tell us the truth, who can we trust?

[12:26] The slick Hollywood slicksters?

[12:27] It's like a Michael Hanukkah movie.

[12:30] Yeah, Michael Hanukkah.

[12:31] There are eight nights of Michael Hanukkah.

[12:33] Well, there was funny games, funny games, too.

[12:35] They thought there was only enough violent, nihilistic shock

[12:44] filmmaking for one night.

[12:46] But no, lo, there were eight nights.

[12:48] Cache.

[12:50] I guess it's called cache.

[12:51] The white ribbon.

[12:52] Yeah.

[12:53] Amour?

[12:53] Was that on Hanukkah?

[12:54] Amour, yeah, Michael Hanukkah.

[12:56] Keep it going, guys.

[12:58] Wait, how do you say his name?

[13:00] Hanukkih.

[13:00] That's close enough.

[13:01] No, it is not at all.

[13:03] One sounds like Hankie.

[13:04] One sounds like Hanukkah.

[13:07] I'm starting to think it is.

[13:08] That's the mnemonic I'll use to keep the Johnny mnemonic.

[13:12] I'm so sad at this movie, I'll use my Hankie to wipe my eyes.

[13:16] Michael Hanukkih.

[13:17] I would never give this movie to my grandma on Hanukkah,

[13:21] not Michael Hanukkah.

[13:23] That's why, look, every German director,

[13:26] there's a mnemonic device for their name.

[13:30] Like Werner Herzog.

[13:31] Yeah, he's like, this would hurt a hog after watching it.

[13:38] Grizzly bear would totally hurt a hog.

[13:41] I'm going to drive my Hertz rental car

[13:45] to Og, my caveman friend, so we can

[13:49] watch Dieter Needs to Fly.

[13:52] You don't say Herzog.

[13:54] You don't say Her wants the Zionist One World Government.

[14:01] You want to say Herzog.

[14:02] That doesn't make sense.

[14:03] Next time I'm watching, Evendorf started small.

[14:05] I'll remember that.

[14:06] Evendorf started small.

[14:08] Again, Dan.

[14:09] He's always been small.

[14:11] Dwarves.

[14:11] He's always been small, dude.

[14:14] His shoes are on his knees, where his knees would be.

[14:18] Evendorf started small.

[14:20] The one Herzog-Conway collaboration.

[14:25] You know, because he was originally

[14:26] supposed to be in Fitzgeraldorf.

[14:29] But then, instead, he had to back out,

[14:31] and they got Klaus Kinski, and they lost the Dorf angle.

[14:34] Aguirre, the wrath of Dorf.

[14:37] And of course, Dorf's for auto.

[14:41] Oh, so many possible Tim Conway, Werner Herzog collaborations.

[14:47] Dan, your inability to pronounce things

[14:49] is the gift that keeps on giving.

[14:53] It's like Michael Haneke.

[14:56] Yeah, he goes on for eight nights.

[14:59] Anyway.

[15:00] So a talking cat.

[15:01] Let's talk about the characters, shall we?

[15:04] They're so memorable.

[15:05] There's two sets of characters in this movie.

[15:07] There is Phil, a wealthy computer programmer

[15:10] who just sold his company and lives

[15:12] in a crazy decorated house.

[15:13] He's like a blonde Otho.

[15:15] He's like, if there was a spy versus spy,

[15:19] he would be the white spy, and Otho would be the black spy.

[15:22] He's a blotho, which is not a black Otho.

[15:24] It's a blonde Otho.

[15:26] Yeah, he's a fat elderly man, basically.

[15:29] With a soul patch, and a certain joie de vivre,

[15:32] and a grace that is belied by his portly figure.

[15:37] Now, he has a son who is probably gay,

[15:40] but instead, he expresses that.

[15:42] He's working through his stuff.

[15:45] His son, Chris, expresses that by being a little awkward

[15:48] and also bookish.

[15:50] And when Franny, a girl who's in his school,

[15:55] wants to be tutored by him, but really

[15:57] wants to go out with him.

[15:59] I think she wants to go out with his swimming pool.

[16:02] All of her flirting seems to be centered around,

[16:04] let's go to the swimming pool.

[16:06] She's getting tutored in her Hamlet class.

[16:09] And she's just, but each time she's like, hey,

[16:13] can we go swimming before we tutor?

[16:15] Hey, why don't we have today's tutoring session in the pool?

[16:18] Actually, you know what?

[16:18] It does feel like she's just using him for his pool.

[16:21] And why not?

[16:22] He is, their chemistry doesn't exist.

[16:25] But there's another family.

[16:27] Down the road.

[16:28] Down the road.

[16:29] Down a long walk into a forest preserve.

[16:31] Down a long walk into a, yeah, presumably

[16:34] in a completely different state.

[16:36] From a temperate forest to a coniferous forest.

[16:41] In a walk from the modern family house

[16:44] to what appears to be like a woods bar below.

[16:47] Falling waters or some sort of.

[16:50] Yeah, yeah, it's a Frank Lloyd Wright masterpiece.

[16:52] There's Susan, who is a caterer who just can't make

[16:55] enough money.

[16:56] Shades of Bratz.

[16:57] Or enough cheese puffs.

[16:59] She really has to sink a lot of money into these cheese puffs

[17:02] on spec so that she can win a job catering.

[17:05] There's no spec in those cheese puffs.

[17:07] They're totally vegetarian.

[17:08] Yeah.

[17:09] She wants to cater for a toy company.

[17:12] Now, she has two children.

[17:13] Tina, a girl who's a computer whiz,

[17:15] but also kind of a couch potato.

[17:16] And she's mean to her brother, Trent,

[17:18] whose main personality trait is that he

[17:21] thinks he lacks imagination.

[17:23] And he knows how to fix things, like a fence,

[17:26] which he fixes for a long time.

[17:28] He fixes the same part of that fence over and over.

[17:31] He's a good son, and his mom tells him that a lot.

[17:33] But he just doesn't know what to do with his life.

[17:35] And the fact that he's 16 and doesn't really

[17:37] need to figure out what to do with his life

[17:39] doesn't seem to enter into his stupid head.

[17:41] Played by first-timer Daniel Dannis.

[17:44] And introducing.

[17:46] Daniel Dannis, who played Trent, was introduced as,

[17:48] and introducing, as opposed to all the big stars

[17:51] we know and love.

[17:51] Like Athena erupting from Zeus's skull.

[17:54] The cat.

[17:55] Zeus said, and introducing.

[17:57] And then Athena just burst forth, fully formed.

[18:00] Now, the cat got the-

[18:00] Somebody call for a goddess of victory in my Nikkei form?

[18:05] Hephaestus, craft us up a fuckin' camera or something

[18:09] and take pictures of this moment.

[18:11] Immortalize it for all of time.

[18:13] The cat got the character credit, though.

[18:15] The cat was like, and blank as blank.

[18:18] Yeah, that's the credit you want.

[18:19] So, the cat had the good agent when it came to that stuff.

[18:22] Oh, yeah.

[18:23] Anyway, so all these, basically all these characters

[18:27] have problems that it takes a long time

[18:29] for the movie to communicate with us.

[18:31] Phil needs to find something to do with his retirement.

[18:34] His son, Chris-

[18:36] Has trouble with ladies.

[18:37] Has trouble picking up signals from ladies.

[18:38] He needs to learn how to swim, too.

[18:40] Susan needs to get this catering job,

[18:42] although the cat doesn't really get into that at all.

[18:45] Not really.

[18:46] Tina needs to get hooked up with Phil

[18:49] so that he can help her with his computer software idea.

[18:53] And Trent needs to learn he has an imagination

[18:56] so he can get an internship at a toy company.

[18:58] Yeah, I guess.

[18:59] And that other lady wants to hook up with the kid,

[19:01] so they're, you know.

[19:03] Wait, what?

[19:04] The swimming lady.

[19:05] The swimming lady wants to hook up with the kid.

[19:07] Her tutoring, his tutoring student.

[19:09] So, their need's basically the same need.

[19:11] Now, here's the thing.

[19:13] Here's the thing.

[19:13] None of these needs are important.

[19:15] None of them are important,

[19:16] and the characters do a lot of-

[19:17] None of these are actual problems.

[19:17] Wandering around, there's a lot of filler in this movie.

[19:20] None more, none better than Stuart and my,

[19:23] I think, favorite scene in the whole movie.

[19:25] When the camera follows a white car

[19:28] driving down a road in multiple shots for an hour.

[19:32] How long do you think?

[19:33] Driving at a, let's say, leisurely pace.

[19:35] Like seven minutes?

[19:36] It is the least suspenseful or exciting car scene

[19:41] since the opening credits to Birdemic.

[19:43] At least that had scary music over it.

[19:46] Now, you're saying you like that padding

[19:48] more than the padding later on in the movie

[19:51] where the app that the teenage girl,

[19:53] computer lady, creates is,

[19:56] the idea behind this app is you scan all your clothes

[19:59] and the app.

[20:00] Suggests a combination of clothes you can wear and so there's a scene where they are scanning all of their clothes

[20:05] They're just scanning the tags on their clothes and it dissolves to somebody else scanning clothes dissolves back to the first word

[20:12] This is the devil's son. They scan clothes. It's like an eight-minute montage

[20:17] Montage the like subtle

[20:19] Ruffling of the clothes kind of allows you to drift off to sleep kind of well

[20:24] The thing is at least that you have a trance state that you can see the Godhead

[20:30] If you would know ecstasy watch a talking cat now, here's the thing about that scene

[20:35] It might have been easier to take if not for the clown circus music over

[20:39] Because that music is telling my whistles and horns line whistles and woo and burp like you

[20:46] It was one step away from just random boy

[20:48] I sound effects what that music is telling me is this is the zaniest funniest thing you have ever seen

[20:54] These people are scanning the tags on their clothes

[20:56] Oh

[21:01] It's like a it's like a fantasy wonderland a candy-colored playground children of all ages a Fellini esque

[21:09] dreamscape

[21:10] It's a true romp

[21:12] It's meant to show the difference between the father and son's relationship at the beginning of the movie guys

[21:18] Mm-hmm and their relationship now where they're having a ton of fun

[21:22] Getting in close join together in an activity that both men sure now kind of hanging out in a den area

[21:29] In the hallway outside a door now, we've gone a long way without talking about

[21:34] The talking cat. Yeah Duffy who is a stray cat who wanders around and he's like the Incredible Hulk in the TV show

[21:41] He just wanders into people's lives and fixes them. Here's the thing. Does he talk?

[21:45] Usually he just thinks out loud in a kind of Garfield way, but and we hear it and all

[21:51] We hear his internal mom we hear every soliloquy about how much he loves the woods and hates what he calls

[21:56] Beeping machines, which sometimes seem to mean phones and sometimes mean computers

[22:00] Yeah, the thing is Elliot the line is blurred between those two things. That's true more and more these days

[22:05] What is a phone but a computer in your pocket?

[22:07] And what is it? What is a book with a movie in your mind?

[22:09] But it's a but all of his monologues seem to be like a combination of pseudo poetic

[22:15] Dialogue that has been written for Eric Roberts and maybe Eric Roberts just improvising whatever he's thinking about at the time

[22:21] Yeah, or it's him having cryptic conversations with the people like a regular Confucius

[22:27] But he is so he can't here's the rules about being a talking cat

[22:31] He can only talk out loud to each person once I guess in their lifetime. You can have a conversation per person

[22:37] So he's gonna use it to help someone get an internship

[22:41] And

[22:42] Here's the thing. Also when he talks

[22:45] Do they animate his mouth?

[22:47] Sloppily, so it's like it looks like a black void is just opening on his face. Yes, they do

[22:54] like flies from the pit of hell

[22:57] Does it look like

[22:59] Like possibly we are staring into the abyss every time the cat opens his mouth and risking madness

[23:05] Everything we've learned about this world three dimensions. Everything goes out the window. The world is now flat and

[23:11] Time and space is torn open. Yeah

[23:15] That mathematically should not exist and it uses non Euclidean

[23:20] Geometry from some horrible unspeakable nth dimension and I want to say something about this cat

[23:28] You might think the cat is the one normally doing the talking now doing the talking about the talking

[23:34] Dan is the talking cat

[23:37] So they make a talking to make a whole movie about a talking cat

[23:47] One movie is

[23:49] Questionable, but also I think maybe a fifth of the film is about the cat

[23:53] The rest is about characters finding things to do on a Sunday

[23:57] They

[23:58] they name what they charitably call moving about a talking cat after this talking cat and

[24:05] You would think that the titular talking cat. No, that must be some charming cat

[24:09] Oh, he must be like a dapper or a wisecracking guy, you know, here's what I'll say about this Elliot

[24:15] I know not a fan of cats. He's allergic to him. I understand. It's not that I'm not a fan

[24:20] Biology has doomed me to find them uncomfortable. You've got reasons to have to hold a grudge against cat. Oh, do I ever?

[24:27] Stewart and I both can I find them less than perfect?

[24:31] Perfect. I like it

[24:33] There's a

[24:35] pause these interruptions

[24:38] Tail, okay. Go ahead

[24:42] Me sir

[24:45] Catastrophe cut to the chase, which is probably cat chasing a mouse the

[24:49] This cat is not a charming cat

[24:52] This is one of the least charismatic cats. I've seen you like cats

[24:58] Any cat the benefit of doubt? Let's just say something about Dan's cat. Dan's cat is an asshole

[25:02] Dan's cat is a mean-spirited glaring cat. I mean, she loves me

[25:06] She loves you, but otherwise because you're I guess curmudgeons in across species lines

[25:12] But she she is a cat who is very unpolite. Let's just say that but you love her

[25:17] You're willing to look at bond. You love Garfield who let's face it. Also an asshole. I don't love good

[25:23] He's cliff. No good terrorizing the neighborhood. Sure. Love him. What about riffraff?

[25:29] Well, ironically for a member of a junkyard gang is very polite and well-behaved and clean

[25:38] Complaining about squeaky the cat being chasing cat power also, you know fun and cat things you love

[25:45] Let's just say this the cat doesn't have zazz it pal no glam cat Stevens moxie

[25:53] It doesn't have cat Stevens. Well, this cat does not sing folk songs or convert to Islam. No, it is it is a

[26:01] Unpleasant cat, but it's clearly just there

[26:04] Because they have learned it with tuna and with laser pointers

[26:08] Quick guide Stewart pointed out sly lock Fox over there

[26:11] Yeah, you're max mouse and I'm I guess the explanation at the end that tells her the mystery

[26:16] You're sneaky weasel or whatever. Oh, thanks

[26:19] There's a fucking thing is weasel my second favorite Swedish sex position

[26:25] But Stewart pointed out that there's a scene where the cat is supposed to be hanging around some shoes

[26:29] And you can clearly see the laser pointer. They're using to keep the cat interested in shoes

[26:34] Here's a pay. Here's an example of the illogic in the movie the mom the kid

[26:38] Logical is that they didn't just fill those shoes with like tuners

[26:48] Hide in the toe you don't have to see a laser

[26:51] Here's the thing the catering mom is introduced to us looking for her shoes. She can't find them

[26:56] She can't find her son goes there. They are and points. There's a cutaway of shoes

[27:00] Oh as if they're in the same room that the rest of my

[27:03] Shoes she walks outside where her shoes are and the cat is at them. They're like, who's that cat?

[27:09] I don't know and she walks away to work. Her shoes have never made it onto her feet

[27:14] She doesn't walk out of work in her stockings barefoot. I don't know

[27:18] I haven't switched out of the shoes to have like a blizzard coming down around it

[27:26] There's so many shots in this movie that don't like the shoes are

[27:29] Happening in the same place even when you finally when they are even when you get finally get a two-shot between two people

[27:34] most of a scene will just be a

[27:36] shot with one character than a reverse of the other character than another character like back and forth the best is the moment when

[27:41] Two characters are supposed to shake hands and you can like almost feel the movie being like I don't know

[27:47] Two characters in one shot. Can we do that? Let's say you know what?

[27:50] I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this

[27:54] I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this

[27:57] Can we do that? Let's say you know what? I'm gonna give them I'm gonna give them the benefit of the doubt

[28:01] I'm gonna give the director the benefit and say this is an homage to Orson Welles film of Othello

[28:05] Which because it was shot over a long period of time?

[28:08] On multiple continents and with different actors at different times because of budget reasons and scheduling reasons

[28:13] Often the scenes are done in one shots and don't quite match up. Perhaps he said aha

[28:17] I'll take the master's aesthetic and i'll apply it to my shitty movie about a talking cat because here's the thing

[28:25] I don't know why they made this movie. Yeah, I don't understand. This is a movie where you're watching you're like, I can't

[28:31] Fathom the reason it goes a step beyond maybe it's for cat lovers. We oh wait

[28:35] We've already covered that cat lovers don't care for no because they love cats not this this ragamuffin

[28:42] This scroungy beast

[28:44] that appears

[28:45] Like a cat there's one shot of of duffy the cat walking out of a sliding door

[28:51] That's just close up of his butthole basically and it's like

[28:55] Doesn't need to look in a cat's rectum pretty sure you get that shot like three times

[29:00] He's staring at the cat's butt the cat's butt stares into you as Nietzsche said

[29:04] Anyway, and you think is that a hot dog end? No, it's the butt of a cat

[29:08] Oh, I took it too far. Now. Here's the thing. I said here's the thing a bunch of times. Uh,

[29:13] When we saw food fight, I said what's scary about this is that this makes sense to someone

[29:19] I don't even think that's true about a talking cat. Yeah, I don't know who packaged this deal

[29:24] It was like david ducocteau you uh, you cannot be giving his name way more credit

[29:30] What do you think it is? I'll tell you what it is. I'm not even gonna think i'll look it up

[29:35] His name is david de cote coteau. There's no cocktail

[29:40] What we need is you well, all right, what we're gonna do is we're gonna take you

[29:44] A gay porn top score director

[29:48] We're gonna call him a sleaze man

[29:50] Sleaze master david d whatever

[29:56] He's basically the poor man's jim winarski harold blueberry

[30:00] We're going to put you with a child star from a 70's TV show, a 60's TV show, and a pornographic

[30:08] actress from the Alice film.

[30:10] We're going to make a talking cat movie where the cat is Eric Roberts and kids are going

[30:15] to eat this shit up.

[30:16] We're going to toss it on to Netflix, direct to DVD, direct to streaming, direct to steaming

[30:23] pile of crap.

[30:24] It's going to steam right there on your own TV.

[30:28] Here's my guess, everyone involved in this movie was kidnapped by aliens.

[30:34] The aliens brainwashed them into thinking, to not remember how movies work.

[30:40] The idea of what a movie is.

[30:44] The hope was that this would destroy filmmaking forever because I guess the aliens are vulnerable

[30:48] to the magic of the movies.

[30:51] This would destroy cinema and thus pave the way for an alien invasion.

[30:56] Aliens are all the bad guys from Last Action Heroes.

[31:01] As long as the people watch movies, their power is gone.

[31:05] My only guess is that some kind of non-human intelligence edited and was behind this film.

[31:12] Maybe a computer gained sentience and decided to make a movie and this was it.

[31:18] We haven't really gone through the plot of the movie, but the thing is we can't.

[31:21] Because the thing is, basically the plot of this movie is all these people did not

[31:26] really have problems and then a cat came into their life and solved their non-problems.

[31:29] A cat had a cryptic conversation with them and gave them some pretty obvious advice.

[31:34] Their problems were solved.

[31:35] The cat gets hit by a car.

[31:36] That's the big finish.

[31:37] The cat gets hit by a car.

[31:39] The big finish.

[31:40] The cat gets hit by a car and they have to find his magic.

[31:43] In a terrifying scene where we see first a black car driving at a medium speed and then

[31:49] the sound of screeching tires and a cat squeal.

[31:54] It's a squeak.

[31:55] It's squeaky, the cat.

[31:56] Yeah, the car driving fast was shot with the same skill as the many, as Elliot pointed

[32:01] out, day for night scenes where they just had like a weird blue mask.

[32:04] The day for night scenes, holy shit.

[32:07] It's amazing.

[32:08] So at night time, everything is bright blue and windows are fully, like brightly lit.

[32:13] In some ways brighter.

[32:14] Like a nuclear bomb is outside a window.

[32:15] This is my alien theory all over because every room looks like at night fire in the

[32:19] sky is going on right behind.

[32:21] The mothership is landing and there's huge beams of light coming through.

[32:25] You know, a little kid's going to open a door like in Close Encounters, there's going to

[32:28] be light coming through.

[32:29] I recently watched Lawrence of Arabia and there's some day for night scenes in the desert

[32:35] that, you know, look great.

[32:37] But yeah.

[32:38] You know what's going on.

[32:39] Day for night never looks totally convincing.

[32:42] But that, I need to give that movie credit again.

[32:46] I apologize, Lawrence of Arabia, for looking at you slightly worse.

[32:49] I apologize.

[32:50] One of the best movies ever made.

[32:53] Your day for night scenes are better than A Talking Cat.

[32:56] You know what?

[32:57] I think David Lean, maybe you're right.

[32:59] Maybe I owe you an apology, David Lean.

[33:00] You are better than the director of Bikini Goddesses or what was some of the other ones

[33:07] that he made?

[33:08] Hold on.

[33:09] I don't know.

[33:10] So we have a cat that gets hit by a car.

[33:11] They put him in like a mummy costume.

[33:14] This cat is clearly still totally fine.

[33:17] They've just draped, they've just like thrown a couple of bandages.

[33:20] The best part is that they say, you know, the veterinarians made him as comfortable

[33:25] as possible by dressing him like fucking Dengar.

[33:29] He's, look, how else are you going to show that a cat is dying than by lightly draping

[33:37] a bandage over his face?

[33:39] And letting him roll around on the bed for a minute.

[33:41] The cat doesn't know where he's at, dude.

[33:44] Well, the problem is they shot the film out of sequence.

[33:46] So the cat forgot he was supposed to be injured in that scene.

[33:49] So here's the thing.

[33:50] And so the people make a huge logical leap.

[33:52] They say perhaps the only thing that can save him is his magic collar that he hid in a grove

[33:57] of trees somewhere.

[33:58] So let's walk through the forest in groups looking for this collar.

[34:03] Your description sounds ridiculous, but that's literally as much time as the movie takes

[34:07] to describe this.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:09] And they're like, might as well try it.

[34:11] We're going to do it.

[34:12] So they do.

[34:13] They find the collar.

[34:14] They put it on the cat.

[34:16] There are some very cheap computer laser effects.

[34:19] And the cat's OK.

[34:22] Hooray, everybody.

[34:23] And everyone's problems are solved.

[34:25] The girl's software makes a lot of money.

[34:29] Yeah, Eric Roberts explains all this.

[34:31] The caterer gets the job catering for the toy company thanks to a new big investor in

[34:36] the toy company.

[34:37] It's Phil, the dad.

[34:39] All the romances go well.

[34:41] And his girlfriend is in a pool.

[34:43] And I guess Trent gets that internship.

[34:45] They don't really show much of him at the end.

[34:47] They don't talk about Trent.

[34:48] One of the great things about that final montage is when they just show

[34:54] Montage is loosely used here.

[34:56] The son, I don't remember his name, frolicking in the pool with his pool girlfriend.

[35:01] Chris, I think.

[35:02] Franny, the pool girl.

[35:04] And they're just, like, swimming back and forth without going underwater.

[35:07] And for some reason she just says, Cannonball?

[35:11] But at no point does anybody jump into the pool.

[35:13] They never do.

[35:14] Oh, that was one of his problems.

[35:15] I forgot.

[35:16] He didn't know how to swim.

[35:17] And so Trent had to teach him how to swim, which, again, felt like a setup for a

[35:22] gay porn scene, and that never happened.

[35:24] But, yeah, yeah.

[35:25] She just goes, Cannonball.

[35:26] And then they keep just kind of dog paddling around.

[35:28] Which doesn't make any sense at all.

[35:30] That's not a cannonball.

[35:31] Maybe she's just talking.

[35:32] It's a party animal.

[35:33] You're very upset about that.

[35:34] Here's my explanation.

[35:35] I was hoping that the talking cat would then do a cannonball into the water.

[35:40] Yeah, and go, Party!

[35:42] You were hoping it would end like that Talking Dog movie that Chevy Chase did

[35:46] the voice for.

[35:47] Oh, and then, hold on.

[35:48] No, wait, here's my explanation of Cannonball.

[35:50] We didn't see it on the scene because they cut in too late, but the guy said,

[35:53] Hey, what was the song that got cut out of the state DVDs because they couldn't get

[35:57] the music clearance rights?

[35:58] And she went, Cannonball?

[36:00] He's like, yeah, yeah, that's right, Cannonball.

[36:02] They had to cut it out of that sketch.

[36:04] That's probably what happened.

[36:05] What were you going to say, Dan?

[36:06] No, well, I just wanted to, I didn't want us to pass over the fact that then when

[36:10] the credits happen, they do character shots for all of the characters, and it's

[36:15] like three shots from the movie, but all of the shots of the different characters

[36:19] are the most boring shots of these characters.

[36:21] It's just them looking.

[36:22] Looking at something, or reacting to something, or listening to something.

[36:25] I mean, all of these shots are happening in one of two buildings.

[36:30] One of them had just happened seconds before where the woman was feeding the

[36:35] father cheese puffs and patting his gut.

[36:41] Well, I mean, he's an older guy.

[36:43] I can only assume a widower.

[36:45] Not everyone gets fat.

[36:47] When they meet, he goes, Oh, I have twins.

[36:52] Oh, is your husband around?

[36:53] Oh, I'm not married.

[36:54] I never was.

[36:55] That goes without comment, which I guess is very literal in the movie.

[36:58] The chlorine babies.

[36:59] Oh, yeah, the Lord put them in me.

[37:02] And then he goes, Oh, well, you know, it's awkward.

[37:05] My wife left me with my son, and so his wife, I guess, got tired of being

[37:10] married to this goofball.

[37:12] He's an workaholic, I think.

[37:14] We never even mentioned, like, the cat somehow uses his magic to put an article

[37:19] on the girl's computer about Phil's software company.

[37:23] On the, what, blinking machine was it called?

[37:25] On the beeping machine.

[37:27] It's like all caps.

[37:28] So he understands the concept of a machine, but he doesn't know what a

[37:34] computer is?

[37:35] He's kind of part caveman or cave cat, which would have been a great

[37:40] Hanna-Barbera character.

[37:41] But the article starts out.

[37:43] It's like a spear tooth, basically.

[37:45] Yeah, exactly.

[37:46] The article starts out being about this guy selling his company and retiring,

[37:50] and then the next paragraph is the description of a classified ad.

[37:54] It's like, I don't understand.

[37:56] Is the cat just making this up whole cloth out of nothing, and he doesn't

[37:59] really understand how articles work?

[38:01] Because I buy it.

[38:03] A cat doesn't read a lot of magazines.

[38:04] Even cat fancy is not really for cats.

[38:06] No.

[38:07] Yeah, so we should skip to final judgments, whether this was a good, bad

[38:12] movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of like.

[38:14] I'm going to go.

[38:16] I say this is a good, bad movie.

[38:19] It gets a little rough going, but if you're watching it with people, it is

[38:25] absurdly.

[38:26] It is an hour and 23 minutes, and it starts to drag around the hour mark.

[38:29] Yeah, but it is absurdly inept.

[38:31] It has third act problems, like the Marvel movies.

[38:34] It has first, second, and third act problems.

[38:37] If you like the Marvel movies, you'll probably like this.

[38:39] If you like the Avengers, you'll love A Talking Cat?

[38:42] Yeah, but then right at the point where you might be getting tired, then the

[38:47] cat gets injured and all that craziness happens.

[38:49] So I say it's a funny movie to watch.

[38:52] It's bad.

[38:53] You know what, Dan?

[38:54] I never thought we'd agree on anything, but I'm going to agree with you.

[38:56] This is the goodest of the bad movies.

[38:58] It was a delight most of the time in how stupid it was and bad.

[39:03] Don't watch it alone because you'll wonder how your life came to this.

[39:06] Watch it with a friend.

[39:08] You'll be found dead in a pool of your own vomit.

[39:11] It'll be ruled a justified suicide.

[39:15] Who's going to rule it?

[39:17] Judge fucking Harry?

[39:18] Judge Death, I guess.

[39:20] Judge Harry.

[39:22] Judge Death, the bad guy from fucking Judge Dredd?

[39:25] Bring up the next case, Mac.

[39:27] They just wheel in a body with a sheet over it.

[39:30] A Talking Cat?

[39:32] This body was found dead.

[39:34] Watching A Talking Cat, well, there's no plaintiff or defendant here.

[39:37] Case dismissed.

[39:39] Throw him away and lock up the key.

[39:42] Bring in the next case.

[39:44] It's another body under a sheet, but it's Dan Fielding in a bath.

[39:49] Nightcore.

[39:50] Steal whatever you have to say.

[39:52] No, you guys are both right.

[39:54] It is a good bad movie.

[39:57] It is the type of thing that I would normally hope to see.

[40:00] watch more of here yes yeah in this flop house of ours every flop house movie was

[40:05] like this one this would be a joy as opposed to the grueling torture that it is yeah um

[40:12] stew before we knives in my ding dong the stewart wellington story before i move on

[40:19] an alien life for my ding dong not without my ding dong the castle freak's tale unauthorized

[40:26] the ding dong story um before we move on stewart i believe you have a few words to say

[40:33] regarding our yonkers live show on october the 18th dan i'm bonkers over our yonkers

[40:41] those are the words you needed to say uh what i what i'm what i'm going to say guys is that

[40:47] if you are listening to this you should immediately go and check out our website

[40:52] flophousepodcast.com yeah um where we have information about our upcoming live show

[40:58] on october 18th october 18th saturday october 18th uh october scared team okay and uh that's

[41:05] at the yonkers draft house up in yonkers new york well alamo draft house it's the alamo draft

[41:09] house in yonkers new york thank you elliot for uh fixing what i just said um and the big

[41:16] information is that we are actually sending some party buses up there party buses they're going to

[41:21] be picking people up at charlene's bar at 353 flybush avenue in brooklyn new york and they're

[41:28] going to be taking people up to the show and then bringing people back and tickets are 25 uh 26

[41:35] and now this does not include a ticket to does not include a ticket to the show more information

[41:40] because i am totally fucking this up because i've had a couple of beers uh so basically if you're

[41:45] looking for a more expensive way to get to yonkers and don't want to see the show

[41:49] yeah i guess you could buy a ticket that's good also just operate as a bus i will say that like

[41:53] if you're coming to the show if you got tickets to the show uh 26 back and forth from yonkers

[42:00] is a pretty cheap much cheaper than a car would be and probably cheaper than a train would be or

[42:05] equivalent so and if you want to see us in our like post-show exhaustion where we don't want

[42:10] to talk to anyone and we're dead to the world totally right on the bus with us or our pre-show

[42:15] prep mode where we also don't want to talk to anybody just kidding we're gonna have fun on

[42:19] those buses yay and guess what you can get a drink at charlene's before and after the best

[42:23] bar in brooklyn i think so yeah and you can also get drinks and food at the alamo draft house

[42:28] so what were you gonna say elliot i was gonna say so stewart what was that again

[42:32] so go to the flop house uh podcast website and click uh the link is at the very bottom of the

[42:38] page and we accept paypal for this the first uh bus sold out very fast so if you're listening to

[42:45] this early on uh hi the to the website and maybe you'll get on the second bus get on the bus that's

[42:52] what the spike lee movie is about right going yonkers to see us talk about i know who killed

[42:56] me yeah uh speaking of which october 18th alamo draft house i know who killed me with us the flop

[43:03] and guests get on the bus i also want to remind people about the song of the autumn contest where

[43:09] you song of the autumn take audio from uh previous episodes of the flop house uh turn them into a

[43:15] catchy tune put your song up on soundcloud so we can embed it on our site and then send us a link

[43:22] it's like youtube for songs now i think i may have given the wrong email address last time i think i

[43:30] may have used this with girls in the past i think i may have said a flop house podcast at gmail.com

[43:36] when i think it actually might be the flop house podcast at gmail.com did you look this up even

[43:41] more of an i'm game lee thing did you did you double check this and maybe write it down so

[43:46] you can read it right now i'm doing it now but so if you send it to one i just thought it was

[43:51] funny that you were like i think i did it wrong last time i think it's the flop house podcast

[43:56] try me try flop house podcast number one if you send it to one try the other but the one way that

[44:02] i know the one way that i know that you'll get it to us is if you go to our website flop house

[44:08] podcast podcast.com click on contact the contact that'll take you to dan's favorite jodie foster

[44:17] if you uh put it in that then i will get the message so the best way to submit a song for

[44:23] the autumn contest is through the website through the flop house website link on the

[44:26] website podcast.com yeah when you're ready to make your song that's basically all any who yeah

[44:33] and so the deadline to get songs you just make rock in the usa the way i did it it's gonna win

[44:38] a reminder that the deadline to get songs in is october the first uh the winning song we played

[44:44] at the end of the episode of uh our show that drops november first and the winner will get a

[44:48] t-shirt and get to pick a movie for us to discuss full rules for the contest are also available on

[44:57] the aforementioned website flop house podcast.com so that ends the announcement go to the website

[45:04] some good announcements we got the show in yonkers october 18th get on the bus sign up on the website

[45:08] and while you're on the website submit your song of the autumn contest entry yeah uh but now it's

[45:15] the next segment which is called letters from listeners letters from the listeners

[45:25] i feel like we touched a magical skull and we switched bodies first oh no and then we

[45:29] touched the skull again yeah so anyway to continue you both peed on a magical skull

[45:34] and then the owner of the of the museum that the skull was in chased us out listeners listeners

[45:40] send some letters listeners listeners go and getters i appreciate the ambition it took

[45:47] to write that letter and slip it in a book then you'd use it for as a bookmark for a while

[45:54] you'd forget to mail it till you saw it and smiled that's right there's my letter as a listener

[46:01] and i'll mail it to the flop house so i'm not listening i'm talking in text what's next it's

[46:09] the letter from you the listener the listener what's this letter gonna be oh wow we're at the

[46:20] moment of maximum potential anything can happen maybe we shouldn't open the store leave it as a

[46:26] mystery let's not collapse everything so that all the events stop being possibilities and instead

[46:34] the waveform goes into one thing at this moment we have to assume that the letters both pro and

[46:43] con love and hate says it all maybe there's eight letters in the box from the listeners

[46:54] to the flop house all right tonight

[46:57] all right well this letter is from did you intend on doing a schrodinger's letterbox

[47:08] schrodinger had to assume that the cat was both talking and not talking and then at some point

[47:14] there would be a podcast about garbage and his movie a talking cat now people rarely talk about

[47:20] the schroeder's cat experiment but you have to assume that the cat or beethoven is in the box

[47:26] this letter but that's a huge dog how would he fit in the box this letter is from this letter

[47:33] is from chartex wasn't a family musician beethoven but of the dog beethoven totally different spin on

[47:39] the character all the symphonies crafted by the dog beethoven this letter is from chartex last name

[47:47] withheld yeah i hope i haven't read it before it goes like this ahoy floppers i dearly adore the

[47:55] finely tuned comedic makeup of your podcast stewart's salty charisma alice brainy hilarious

[48:02] interjections thank you dan it seems to me that the three of you are the most qualified professionals

[48:11] to put the finishing touch on my cinematic bell curve concept allow me to explain if we were to

[48:17] visualize the entirety of movie history as an enormous bell curve of quality we'd see the vast

[48:22] majority of movies from really terrible to quite good falling in the big swelling middle at the

[48:29] rightmost tip we place those few movies that manage to not just be great but more than some

[48:34] of their parts take the godfather director cast composer cinematographer etc are somehow all

[48:40] simultaneously at their career best thereby producing a 100 million instance of cinematic

[48:45] perfection all the way over the leftmost tip of our curve and movies like the room and burdemic

[48:50] which transcend mere badness by suggesting a production which every single decision made

[48:54] big or small was the wrong one these movies stand out because failure this complete is as

[49:00] statistically unlikely as the total across the board success the other end of the curve

[49:04] here's where you come in what movie represents 5.0 on this scale there are countless films

[49:11] clustered near the center of the bell curve but only one can represent the absolute dead center

[49:16] a movie with nothing whatsoever to nudge it into the good or bad halves but which instead stands as

[49:21] an avatar of perfect cinematic beigeness i'll defer to your expertise whichever film you anoint

[49:29] will be the example i forever place at the center of the cinematic bell curve see you on the flippity

[49:34] flop chart x before we answer that i just want to say dan you did a great job reading that

[49:40] you did a fantastic job i think that the key is neither of you interrupted the vocal exercises

[49:45] were that you did before the show were probably really yeah positive i heard no stumbles no

[49:51] mumbles no jumbles no crumbles thanks guys you missed you get you you avoided all four of the

[49:57] bad umbels i would say i would say just on the

[50:00] to answer this question is going to be tough, because it's going to be the most bland thing, so it'll probably go out of my head.

[50:07] Yeah, it's probably a movie like I Love Trouble, with Julia Roberts and Nick Nolte that no one remembers.

[50:13] Because why would you? Or like The Paper, or something like that.

[50:17] Oh, I like The Paper.

[50:18] Okay, well then maybe that's a 5.3.

[50:20] Okay.

[50:21] Maybe Beethoven, we mentioned it before. That's a pretty mediocre, kind of nothing, bland movie.

[50:27] Or like A Runaway Bride, maybe. How about that?

[50:30] I mean, that was a huge movie.

[50:32] It was a huge hit, but like, it's not.

[50:34] It was a huge hit because it was so great, right?

[50:37] Yeah, that's how it usually works, yeah.

[50:39] Like conspiracy theory.

[50:41] Multiplicity is not a 5. That's less than that.

[50:45] This is speaking of someone who attended the New York premiere, Dan.

[50:52] How was the Q&A after that premiere?

[50:54] There was none.

[50:55] Oh, that's terrible.

[50:57] There are a lot of movies that fit this, but yeah, it's hard to think of them.

[51:01] Like One True Thing, with Meryl Streep and Renee Zellweger, maybe that fits as a 5, you know?

[51:07] I don't even remember that that exists.

[51:09] That's one where Meryl Streep is dying of cancer and Renee Zellweger is her daughter.

[51:12] It was shot in Maplewood, New Jersey, the town my dad lives in.

[51:15] The other sister.

[51:17] No, again, that's less than a 5.

[51:19] Milk Money.

[51:21] Milk Money, maybe, yeah.

[51:23] Naming movies that exist on the periphery of my memory.

[51:28] Yeah, you're trying to unfocus your brain like a magic eye painting.

[51:32] Those are paintings, right?

[51:34] Yeah, they're paintings. They're all hand-painted.

[51:37] Rembrandt invented them, yeah.

[51:40] If you stare long enough at Aristotle Contemplating a Bust of Homer and just unfix your eyes, a dolphin shows up.

[51:49] Like a goofy panther.

[51:51] So, I don't know, like Brother Bear, maybe?

[51:53] Yeah, sure.

[51:55] A goofy panther.

[51:57] Yeah, Rembrandt was thinking of Freddy Krueger.

[51:59] Freddy fan.

[52:01] He's a member of the Freddy fan club.

[52:05] Yeah, who can forget Rembrandt's portrait of Freddy?

[52:07] How about That Thing You Do?

[52:09] Yeah, That Thing You Do could be like a 5.1, you know?

[52:11] Yeah.

[52:12] Something objectionable about it, but I don't really particularly remember it.

[52:15] Is there anyone whose favorite movie is That Thing You Do?

[52:18] No, of course not.

[52:19] Would you ever go out of your way to watch it?

[52:21] What about Home Fries?

[52:25] Yeah, maybe.

[52:27] Vince Gilligan, by the way, man.

[52:29] Or like Fever Pitch.

[52:31] Fever Pitch, that could be one.

[52:33] Yeah, sure.

[52:35] Or, you know what? Trouble with the Curve.

[52:37] Ah, there you go.

[52:38] I think I'd call that a 5.

[52:40] Trouble with the Curve.

[52:41] That's a movie where literally I had no interest in seeing it particularly, but one day I was on vacation with my wife.

[52:47] We were really tired.

[52:48] She wanted to take a nap.

[52:49] It happened to be on TV.

[52:50] I started watching it roughly 40 minutes in.

[52:52] This happened first time.

[52:53] First time writer, long-time fan.

[52:55] And I just finished watching it, and I was like, you know what?

[52:58] I wasn't mad at that movie, but did I particularly like it?

[53:01] No.

[53:02] Ironically, Trouble with the Curve, straight down the middle.

[53:05] Boom.

[53:06] High five me, bro.

[53:07] Sports.

[53:08] Sports.

[53:09] So now David, write in and tell us why that's an amazing movie.

[53:13] Okay, moving on.

[53:14] Dear Flop Team.

[53:16] On the morning of the wedding of my one of my...

[53:21] On the movie of my wedding.

[53:23] It's called Rachel Getting Married.

[53:26] On the morning of the wedding of one of my best friends...

[53:28] That's a rough wedding.

[53:29] It was.

[53:30] He and I and our other like-minded friends gathered in my basement to partake in something we had done numerous times over the course of our friendship.

[53:37] Shrooms.

[53:38] We watched a monster movie.

[53:40] Not just any monster movie.

[53:42] Hey, we watched a monster movie the morning before my wedding.

[53:44] Piranha 3D.

[53:46] Oh no, but rather we watched Head of the Family.

[53:49] This wasn't just a symbolic goodbye, but also a physical one as well.

[53:53] As that night, my friend the groom was hopping on a plane with his newly minted missus to fly to New Zealand to start their new life together.

[54:00] We ate burritos...

[54:01] As hobbits.

[54:04] We ate burritos and watched as the hero didn't heed the VHS clamp box warning and messed with the head.

[54:09] Oh, you know how you're going to end up.

[54:11] Yep.

[54:12] And if it wasn't for the recommendation of the Team Flophouse, we would have probably not had this masterpiece to send my friend off on his new life with.

[54:18] I think Stuart gets the credit.

[54:20] This leads me to my questions.

[54:21] What I've been waiting my whole life for.

[54:23] On several episodes of your hilarious podcast, the figure of Joe Bob Briggs has repeatedly been referenced by the floppers.

[54:30] Joe Bob, specifically as hosting of TNT's MonsterVision, was the defining television personality of my childhood.

[54:36] He was the first person I can remember seeing on TV who I knew was on my side.

[54:40] If something sucked, he told me so.

[54:42] When the TNT censors so shamefully scissored out all the best parts of the movies, I could feel his anger.

[54:47] MonsterVision was the place I saw what would become my favorite movies, Phantasm 2, In the Mouth of Madness, Return of the Living Dead, and many more.

[54:55] Do you feel the Flophouse is the natural evolution of these late-night horror programs?

[54:59] While you don't exclusively cover horror films, I found several of my new favorite movies have either been recommendations or subjects of the Flophouse.

[55:06] Movies like Bratz and Castle Freak.

[55:09] The three floppers, plus Cat, it seems like Joe Bob Briggs, are on the side of the movie-going public.

[55:26] And without you guys, I wouldn't have such wonderful memories to share with my closest friends.

[55:31] Membranes?

[55:32] Membranes.

[55:33] Some wonderful membranes.

[55:35] We used to pick membranes with my father.

[55:38] Like Mucus Membrane, John Constantine's band.

[55:40] That's close enough.

[55:41] Well, that's really nice. Thank you for the credit.

[55:44] I would love to think that we're Joe Bob Briggs for the new generation.

[55:47] I don't think we are, but I would love to. Again, that would be a huge honor.

[55:50] I mean, I more feel like we're USA Up all night for the new generation.

[55:54] I think we're more kept in video for the new generation if it's a USA thing.

[55:57] Basically, every time I see Christina from the Alamo Draft House up in Yonkers,

[56:01] she basically just tells me about different screenings that Joe Bob Briggs shows up to,

[56:05] and I feel bad about myself.

[56:07] I wish I was at any of those.

[56:09] Yeah.

[56:10] But I think he was a big influence on all of us, I assume.

[56:14] Yeah.

[56:15] And watching Monster Vision was definitely the closest I was ever going to get to, like,

[56:19] getting to watch, like, Zachary or something.

[56:22] The real classic monster movie chiller host.

[56:24] I mean, I think that we all appreciate the simultaneously ironic and genuine appreciation of trash.

[56:30] Yeah.

[56:31] Yeah.

[56:32] And he really liked these things, but he could also make fun of them.

[56:34] And I think, like, through him, I was introduced to Joe Lansdale, who I love,

[56:41] and then back to Don Cascarelli again.

[56:43] Yeah.

[56:44] I mean, similar to the writer of the letter.

[56:45] Like, there are a ton of movies that I saw for the first time on Monster Vision

[56:49] and was intrigued enough by them to then go see them not on Monster Vision

[56:52] and see the blood and the boobs and everything.

[56:53] And it's too bad, because I've really looked for other reviewers

[56:57] who are able to provide that same kind of viewpoint.

[56:59] And the closest I can get is, like, the horror review site Arrow in the Head,

[57:05] which even that is not quite good enough.

[57:08] It's, like, a weirdly, like, frat boy-ish type.

[57:11] Yeah.

[57:12] And I feel like that gives things a pass a little bit too much sometimes.

[57:16] Yeah.

[57:17] Hey, there are unique individuals in the history of the world, and Joe Bob Briggs is one of them.

[57:20] Yeah.

[57:21] Good old JBB.

[57:23] Anyway, moving on.

[57:24] Congratulations to Elliot on the recent addition to the most noble and ancient house of flop.

[57:30] As it happens, my daughter, first name withheld, last name withheld, was born late January.

[57:35] Probably was.

[57:37] I propose that to finally seal the house of flop with a venerable last name withheld claim,

[57:42] we contract now to marry these two sometime in early 2032.

[57:46] Maybe it could be a special episode of The Flop House.

[57:48] Still pretty young to get married.

[57:50] By way of a dowry, I can offer $350 and a DVD copy of Goodfellas.

[57:55] It's so old you have to flip it over halfway through the movie.

[57:57] I remember that edition.

[57:58] Around the time Karen blows Henry in the kitchen.

[58:00] It's not even a long movie.

[58:02] Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon.

[58:04] P.S., my wife doesn't know I'm doing this, so please try and keep it on the DL till the papers are signed.

[58:09] Ben, last name withheld.

[58:10] Well, Ben, it's an intriguing offer, and I'll take it under consideration.

[58:13] I want, you know, my son to have a little bit of choice in his own bride,

[58:17] but also if we're still doing this podcast in 2032, something's gone wrong.

[58:22] So that money sounds pretty good.

[58:24] If I'm a 50-year-old man and I'm sitting here with you two yabbos just watching crabby movies.

[58:30] At that point, it would be fucking space movies.

[58:33] We're watching space movies in the astro house.

[58:36] Yeah, yeah, we're like jacking on to the interweb.

[58:39] Cheers, doing this podcast. That sounds kind of—

[58:41] Actually, that would be pretty great.

[58:42] Now I have a wormy boner.

[58:46] I gave it out in a jar on my desk.

[58:51] Crab keeper.

[58:52] We have become that which we mocked.

[58:54] Actually, that sounds pretty good. I hope we are doing this in 18 years.

[58:57] All right, well, quick final letter from Mark, middle name withheld, Morris.

[59:03] And he says, ding-dong gate is dead.

[59:08] The running argument of whether or not—

[59:09] Ding-dong. The ding-dong gate is dead. Ding-dong gate.

[59:12] The ding-dong gate, yeah.

[59:13] The running argument of whether or not the Castle Freak rips his own ding-dong off has been answered,

[59:18] and I took the straightforward problem-solving skills of my 15-year-old son to do it.

[59:23] For new listeners, ding-dong gate started many episodes ago with Stewart's insistence

[59:27] that there is a ding-dong ripped off in his oft-recommended movie Castle Freak.

[59:32] Well, no, I mean, there is a ding-dong ripped off.

[59:34] Your insistence was that the Castle Freak ripped his own ding-dong off.

[59:37] I insisted that, yeah.

[59:39] Other listeners, including Dan, have stated that there is no ripping off of a ding-dong in Castle Freak.

[59:45] Even so, the controversy continued.

[59:47] To settle this dispute, my 15-year-old son, Chase, sent this tweet to Stewart Gordon,

[59:52] the director of Castle Freak.

[59:54] I have a question. Does the Castle Freak rip his own ding-dong off? Yes or no?

[1:00:00] No, I love that Stuart Gordon Daines to reply to that story

[1:00:05] Stuart Wellington when presented with this answer using the word ding-dong

[1:00:10] Sir Wellington when presented with this answer replied only with god damn it

[1:00:16] Thus ending ding-dong gate forever in the future

[1:00:19] We should all take lessons from this young man when we have a problem or question go directly to the source

[1:00:25] Now that ding-dong gate is settled

[1:00:28] Arrested and it's now that it's work on this earth is done ding-dong gate can ascend to heaven

[1:00:32] Now that this long national nightmares over we can turn our attention fully to answering this age-old question

[1:00:38] Does the Cryptkeeper have intact genitals?

[1:00:42] And and what would happen if penny met a dinosaur? Yeah

[1:00:46] So I think that kid if he doesn't want to pull it sir. Yeah, then the system is corrupt

[1:00:51] Yeah, then I don't even know what to believe anymore

[1:00:54] Robert Carroll level

[1:00:57] Active killing style stuff. He is the Woodward and Bernstein of ding-dong gate

[1:01:01] And I'm just glad that here this fine investigative reporting took place. Thank you Chase

[1:01:08] Yeah, I'm kind of at a loss for words. It's been a very difficult day

[1:01:11] This news broke this morning

[1:01:14] My wife was frustrated because I kept ignoring her while she tried to talk to me and I'm like no, honey

[1:01:20] I have to deal with a Stuart Gordon has weighed in on a very important matter and

[1:01:24] Betrayed me it's been it's been really difficult, you know, I feel like I've really supported Stuart Gordon

[1:01:33] As a weird beeping, huh?

[1:01:35] Yeah, your beeping machine is going off. Sorry, so I've recommend a lot of his movies you go on Amazon

[1:01:41] His movies are often paired with

[1:01:46] If it's paired with Invisible Maniac, I'll be shocked is that movie only exists on YouTube right now

[1:01:52] Now

[1:01:54] Stuart how are you gonna handle this? Are you gonna take some time to reflect maybe?

[1:01:59] Spend some time with your family. Are you going into a ding-dong ripping off seeing rehab of some kind?

[1:02:05] Yeah, I mean, I I don't know about that. I don't think that exists

[1:02:09] I feel like I need to go on some kind of a vision quest where instead of seeing a guy rip off his own ding-dong

[1:02:14] I just see a ding-dong maybe grow back. I don't know your spirit animal is a healthy ding-dong

[1:02:21] Well, Stuart, maybe I'll get that on a pendant around my neck. I

[1:02:26] Just hope I hope by you find solace in this time dark time. Maybe a tattoo

[1:02:34] Of the castle freak ripping his own ding-dong off and then underneath it was tattooed you're wrong Gordon

[1:02:40] He took a picture of that and sent it to him. I guess he'd probably put a restraining order on you. Yeah

[1:02:44] Yeah, I mean I feel at this point. I'm

[1:02:47] Like all my all my attempts to edit in footage

[1:02:50] On my blu-ray copy, which doesn't seem to work because I keep putting in my my iMac and it's not working

[1:02:57] But footage of him ripping off his own ding-dong

[1:03:00] The thing is until Brian yes, no ways in on this

[1:03:03] I think that's the real key is Brian yes, and I think my is a little more in touch with the material

[1:03:08] I just like the calm like like equinamity that like short Gordon just like responds and no to this question

[1:03:15] I don't know. I mean to me it suggests that the I there's no wiggle room there like

[1:03:18] No, not the way a ding-dong

[1:03:22] For a ding-dong to wiggle in the fact that he's not surprised

[1:03:25] Suggest it was no what?

[1:03:28] Look, I feel like this is already filtered into him somehow

[1:03:31] I hope so much the same way that I hope Alan Ruck knows that we were talking about him before

[1:03:37] Yeah, I doubt it

[1:03:39] But now is the part in the movie or in the movie

[1:03:42] Where the the male and female leads get back together after having a misunderstanding earlier on

[1:03:49] And it's also the part in the podcast

[1:03:51] Where we recommend a movie that we like the part in the movie where we recommend a podcast

[1:03:58] I'm gonna say 99% invisible and then I'm gonna go on a car chase. Yeah, I'm gonna say my brother my brother and me

[1:04:05] I'm going to say

[1:04:07] My brother and me and I'm going to say

[1:04:12] What's a podcast

[1:04:18] Gonna be a long grandpa. I've been taping these and putting them in a time. Yeah

[1:04:25] like Prince

[1:04:28] Yeah

[1:04:30] You both started looking at me like this was the moment where it turns out you're like you're both cannibals that tricked me here

[1:04:35] And now you're looking at me and just seeing a giant turkey. That's what we call a malign paradigm shift, LA

[1:04:40] It's when you realize all the other travelers at the end. You're staying in are actually

[1:04:46] Vampires we're talking like anything that would happen in a Michael Hanukkah film

[1:04:51] Eight days of great movies

[1:04:54] cuz I

[1:04:57] Yeah, why don't you recommend a movie? Okay, the movie I'd like to recommend is a film

[1:05:02] I just saw recently and I really enjoyed it. It's called intimate lighting, which sounds like it's a soft core pornography film

[1:05:08] But it's not it's actually a check new wave film

[1:05:12] And I found over the years that I really like the films from the check new wave movement of the 60s. They're

[1:05:20] like a

[1:05:21] usually pretty down-to-earth like kind of funny, but not like goofy silly just kind of like either

[1:05:29] Black comedy deadpan or kind of offbeat quirky movies that

[1:05:34] Move at their own pace and they're shot and usually in a kind of natural way and that and the acting is very natural

[1:05:40] I really like them a lot

[1:05:40] and so this is one I hadn't seen before but it's directed by Ivan passer who's best known for like cutters way and

[1:05:47] He directed creator, but this was I think it was his first film and from 1965

[1:05:54] Everyone remembers creator. It's Peter O'Toole

[1:05:57] Meryl Hemingway, I'm guessing that a lot of people listen to the Flophouse know what creator is

[1:06:02] You know, or maybe they like when the guys if the guy has no movies that are more famous than cutters way or creator

[1:06:07] So but uh that I know of

[1:06:10] but this I think was his first movie and it's a short tight little movie about a two musicians one is a

[1:06:17] guy in this kind of smallish town who's married and has a family and

[1:06:23] Run works with a local

[1:06:25] band orchestra

[1:06:26] that's mainly amateurs and a friend an old friend of his that he used to play with who is a

[1:06:31] Single guy with this beautiful sexy girlfriend who plays in the city comes to visit him

[1:06:37] So that they can both play at a concert together and the movie is really just the two of them

[1:06:42] interacting after what seems like a long time apart and

[1:06:46] getting to know each other and kind of feeling out this new dynamic where one of they kind of

[1:06:52] In some ways are both living the life

[1:06:54] The other one would have liked to have or at least the family man envies the single guy quite a bit

[1:07:00] but at the same time, there's a lot of like local characters and just kind of

[1:07:05] You know like quirky situations

[1:07:07] they go to a funeral that they play music at that goes on for a very long time and they can't quite they can't seem to

[1:07:13] leave and

[1:07:14] There's a late-night

[1:07:15] Conversation between the two of them where they decide to go around the house listening to how the rest of their family members sound when they're

[1:07:21] snoring and it's like it just

[1:07:24] Captured very well this feeling of like these two guys who used to be friends. They'd never falling out, but they've changed and

[1:07:31] There's something melancholy about that, but there's still it's all something funny about that. So I really enjoyed a lot intimate lighting. I'll call it

[1:07:38] That's the title. Yeah, I like to recommend a movie. I saw just last night

[1:07:44] called the guest

[1:07:47] Directed by Adam Wingard. Yeah

[1:07:50] Your next guy now you better keep the shit light on spoilers. Yeah, he did your next which I which I liked a lot

[1:07:56] but I think that the guest is actually a

[1:07:59] Huge leap forward for him. Okay, I'm gonna put my fingers in my ears. So just there's not gonna be spoilers, but

[1:08:06] So I saw what was it in advance screening at the time it should be out by the time this podcast comes out

[1:08:13] The director was there the writer was there the star Dan Stevens was there who played Matthew Crowley on Downton Abbey, but has

[1:08:20] Slimmed down and bulked up and has gotten

[1:08:24] You can't do both of those

[1:08:26] You can't slim down and bulk up you can when it's muscle you put on pure muscle. Yeah, that's bulk

[1:08:34] but

[1:08:35] this is a movie that

[1:08:37] they expressly described afterwards as

[1:08:40] The Terminator meets Halloween and

[1:08:43] You can see that like it is you can totally see that but it's also its own thing

[1:08:49] But it's a film like the Terminator puts a costume together and goes trick-or-treating

[1:08:54] Yeah, costume looks like William Shatner

[1:08:56] Dan Stevens plays a mysterious

[1:08:59] Army guy who shows up at the house of again Stewart. I'm just saying anything that you would see in any

[1:09:06] Review am I gonna get it?

[1:09:09] So Dan Stevens shows up as an army guy who was the friend of the dead son of this family and

[1:09:16] He ingratiates himself into this family

[1:09:19] but there's something a little off about him and violence seems to follow him around and

[1:09:25] it's a movie that

[1:09:28] Totally like that seems to have cracked the code of how to be

[1:09:34] Equal parts

[1:09:37] Action film horror film and comedy without anything like overwhelming anything else and

[1:09:43] it's also one of these movies that

[1:09:46] is done in the style of

[1:09:50] Sort of an older exploitation

[1:09:52] Style like it is it joins drive or house of the devil in feeling like it's straight out of

[1:10:00] 80s but it doesn't feel like a pastiche or throwback. It feels like it's just

[1:10:04] using that style. It just feels like some weird

[1:10:11] amalgam of John Carpenter and James Cameron and some

[1:10:17] offbeat comedy film just fell through a time warp and it showed up and

[1:10:24] it's awesome. It's a movie that only exists to be

[1:10:30] entertaining. It has a great score. It's like a check your brain at the door. But no, it's a smart

[1:10:37] movie that just only wants to make you feel happy and especially if you grew up

[1:10:42] with the type of movies that I think Stewart and Elliot and I grew up

[1:10:46] enjoying. It'll hit that sweet spot for you. Disney movies.

[1:10:52] Pornos. But it also really worked for me. My wife went and saw it with me too and she

[1:10:57] doesn't necessarily give a shit about like John Carpenter movies or love

[1:11:00] super violent stuff but she really liked this movie in no small part

[1:11:05] probably because Dan Stevens is so charming in it. Even though he's a total

[1:11:08] sociopath in the movie, he is also totally hot and funny. Bulked up and slimmed

[1:11:13] down. I just really really liked the guest. I can't wait to see it.

[1:11:20] I wish I could have seen it with you. I have a relatively quick

[1:11:25] recommendation. I'm gonna recommend a total psychological mind-bender. A real

[1:11:31] thriller of a movie. It's called Talking Cat. It will break you down.

[1:11:41] I am gonna recommend the movie Enemy from last year. Directed by a guy, I'm

[1:11:49] assuming French-Canadian guy whose name I'm not gonna try and pronounce, who the

[1:11:53] guy who directed that gentleman who directed Prisoners, another movie I

[1:12:01] recommended. A movie I recommended in large part because of the atmosphere.

[1:12:05] Not necessarily such a great story but the acting and the

[1:12:12] directing is good. So this movie kind of carries that on. It's kind of a

[1:12:19] passion project for his. A passion project that he kind of made using the

[1:12:24] credibility he got from Prisoners. It does feature Jake Gyllenhaal. So if

[1:12:30] you like Jake Gyllenhaal, this movie features a metric fuck-ton of Jake

[1:12:34] Gyllenhaal. I'm not gonna go too into the plot of the movie. It's a movie that I

[1:12:48] feel is going to either get a 1 star or a 10 star review from folks. A real

[1:12:57] Only God Forgives. Yeah, in a way I feel like it is to Prisoners what

[1:13:03] Only God Forgives is to drive. So it carries on a lot of the same atmosphere

[1:13:08] that you get out of Prisoners and some great performances. But it makes it

[1:13:15] a little bit out there, I guess. Or if you'll watch it, you'll be

[1:13:21] like, this is total garbage. I hate this. Stewart's a moron. Which is possible. So

[1:13:26] three solid recommendations. Some contentious recommendations. Stewart

[1:13:30] seemed to lose faith in his own recommendation about halfway through. I

[1:13:34] think it's great, but I'll understand if you don't. I can understand. It's kind of like

[1:13:37] Prometheus. Yeah, I've felt that way about movies I've recommended, where it's like, I love

[1:13:41] this, but I totally get why someone else would hate this. But I'm not gonna

[1:13:46] fight you, bro, if you don't like it. Exactly. We can still be blood brothers.

[1:13:50] Look, Stewart's confidence and self-esteem are not resting on whether you like this

[1:13:54] fucking movie, okay? So just back off. Eat a dick. That said, though. But just one, because that's all

[1:14:00] you're worth. Rose said, that's for grandmas in the audience. I've often found that when

[1:14:09] choosing a movie, like, the most interesting movies that I've seen have

[1:14:13] often been ones that super split critics. Like, you get people who absolutely

[1:14:18] adore it or hate it, and that means that the movie is interesting. Going back to

[1:14:22] the earlier letter on the episode about talking about the middle ground versus

[1:14:26] the outliers. True, but every now and then there is a movie that everybody loves.

[1:14:29] What a solid episode of the podcast. It's not like, oh, everybody loves that movie. It must be a

[1:14:34] piece of crap. No, it's beautiful. Yeah. I enjoyed Gardens of the Galaxy like

[1:14:39] everyone else in the fucking known universe. I haven't gotten to see it. Yeah, because you're a

[1:14:42] human, and you like things that touch your heart. I've got two ears and a heart, as Alec Baldwin said on 30 Rock.

[1:14:49] But I feel like Snowpiercer, on some level, was that way. A lot of people

[1:14:53] were kind of divided on that. People could either buy into it and love it, or they

[1:14:56] just couldn't buy into it. And the people that didn't like it just didn't seem to

[1:14:59] post on Rotten Tomatoes, so that's why it has such a good score. And they can eat ten wormy boners.

[1:15:05] They don't merit ten of those, because Snowpiercer's not that bad. Well, no, it's only because

[1:15:09] that's what those nutrient bars are made out of. Wormy boners? Delicious. They grind up wormy boners.

[1:15:14] Now, Elliot, what do those look like? I think that's the key question. Oh, boy. Well, let me just make...

[1:15:18] Nutrient bars, I mean. Let's get out of here. Anyway, another small timber comes from man.

[1:15:26] Small thember. Sure. As if there is ever another. As the elders sit around the hearth,

[1:15:34] thousands of years from now, they'll be telling the younglings about the first small timber.

[1:15:40] As it has for ages uncounted and millennia untold, man puts small timber to rest in its cask of

[1:15:49] ancient winters, not to be reopened for another year. Ah, the dance of small thember has gone on

[1:15:56] for more lifetimes than a man can count. It would take two more fingers than all the living men

[1:16:02] combined possess to count the years of small timber. Some say small timber predates humanity

[1:16:09] itself, that the angels brought it down from heaven. Beware the howling of the winter wolf,

[1:16:16] for that means that Shocktober is on the horizon, and small thember shall rest in a shallow grave.

[1:16:22] They say Shocktember is the curse visited upon humanity for his hubris.

[1:16:27] Shocktember is the worst month of the year. That's a little leap years.

[1:16:35] I heard a story of a man who saw a Shocktember once, but who could believe him? Such a thing

[1:16:40] would be an abomination. All right, stop telling us about Shocktember, old man. It's just an old

[1:16:47] wives' tale. I swear, I swear, a small timber in a Shocktober had a baby. Go up to that old cabin,

[1:16:54] you'll see a Shocktember. They said it could survive in this world. We're gonna have a party

[1:17:01] up there. We're gonna drink and have sex and probably put someone in a lake.

[1:17:11] Well, you'll see, you'll see. Shocktember holds the lake sacred. Okay.

[1:17:17] We gotta close the door on this thing sometime. Leave not your used condoms around Shocktember's

[1:17:22] altar, or a horrid curse ye shall be given. He doesn't agree with normal style birth control.

[1:17:28] All right. For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy. You see, a Shocktember is sterile.

[1:17:38] A Shocktember can mate, but the Shocktember is sterile. And Elliot's the one who's always

[1:17:44] talking about getting home to his baby, and yet he drags out the finish. I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:17:52] That passive-aggressive response was from Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:17:56] And I am shamed and apologetic Elliot Kaelin. Okay. Good night, everyone.

[1:18:03] Small temper. No, temper, temper, temper!

[1:18:16] A proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee.

[1:18:20] Topeka Bodega. Doing it and doing it and doing it well.

[1:18:26] What's your man got to do with me? I've got a man.

[1:18:31] I ain't trying to hear that, see?

[1:18:36] Makes me want to shoop, shoop, a-doop. Shoop a-doop, a-doop, a-doop.

[1:18:45] They took my rings. They took my Rolex. I looked at my homies and said, damn, what's next?

[1:18:51] Regulators, round up. It was a clear black night, a bright white moon.

The Flop House: Episode #161 - A Talking Cat!?!

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