The Flop House: Episode #161 - A Talking Cat!?!

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss the exuberantly punctuated, a talking cat?

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:34] Hey, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:37] You've been suitably welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Elliot Kalin, the rude one of the bunch.

[0:42] Full of tood.

[0:43] Full of tood and chicken.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] So you're going to be the bad boy today.

[0:47] Oh, yeah, I'm the original bad boy that ladies love.

[0:50] Dan, you want to be, what, the young, cute one?

[0:54] Sure.

[0:55] Okay.

[0:55] I'll be the Paul McCartney of the group.

[0:57] Okay, and that makes me like the kind of artsy one.

[1:01] What, the one that's good at math?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03] Yeah, you're the artsy math league. Yeah.

[1:06] You're regular.

[1:07] I mean, they're not mutually exclusive.

Dan McCoy

[1:08] You're the physics genius.

[1:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] That's the other archetype.

[1:12] Yeah, every boy band has the bad boy, the cute one, and the physics genius.

[1:17] So this is numbers.

[1:18] Who couldn't forget, just like the Beatles.

[1:20] The core group, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, and Stephen Hawking.

[1:24] And Stephen Hawking.

[1:24] And young Stevie Hawking.

[1:27] I want to hold your hand.

[1:30] That's great.

[1:31] I'm glad.

[1:32] How is that offensive?

[1:33] That's how he talks.

[1:33] He's a computer.

[1:35] He's a computer.

[1:36] He's a computer that uses a mannequin to pretend he's a person.

[1:40] We all know the truth behind Stephen Hawking.

[1:42] Let's not fool ourselves.

[1:45] No, he's very blue.

[1:46] He's sad because he can never love being a computer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:48] He'd like to hold your hand, as Elliot just said.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] He's love.

[1:52] Baby, don't hurt me.

[1:54] Don't hurt me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:55] No more.

[1:56] I didn't know that was one of his.

[1:57] That was a Beatles song?

Elliott Kalan

[1:58] Ba-da-dee-dum-dum.

[2:00] Ba-da-da-dee.

[2:01] That was one of the songs that the Beatles wrote, but forced someone else.

Stuart Wellington

[2:04] Okay.

[2:04] Like that one for the Mamas and Papas.

[2:06] They forced someone else?

[2:06] Mm-hmm.

[2:07] Yeah, yeah.

[2:07] They forced someone else to watch a movie like we did tonight.

[2:10] Oh, boy.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] What is this podcast about, Dan?

[2:12] Well, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[2:15] This is number two in Small Timber.

[2:19] Now, there was some confusion.

[2:20] No, no, no.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] Small Vember.

[2:22] No, there was some confusion.

Dan McCoy

[2:23] There was some confusion.

[2:25] Whether it was Small Timber or Small Vember.

[2:27] And it could be enhanced by my stupid mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[2:32] Your mouth is quite dumb.

[2:34] Where's your mouth's degree from?

Dan McCoy

[2:37] It's from Case Western.

[2:38] Exactly.

[2:40] So, no, but the very idea of a Small Vember is absurd on its face.

Elliott Kalan

[2:45] Clearly, Small Timber.

[2:46] There was a Small Wonder.

[2:48] Why can't there be a Small Vember?

[2:49] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[2:50] That's the month we watch Small Wonder.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] You've got Small Timber.

[2:53] But only in that month.

[2:54] Dan, there was Small Soldiers, and that's crazy.

[2:57] Below a certain height of soldiers' effectiveness is nil.

[3:01] How can there not be a Small Vember?

Dan McCoy

[3:02] Not according to that movie.

[3:03] They took on Phil Hartman.

[3:04] They took on Kirsten Dunst.

[3:05] They took on a lot of people.

Elliott Kalan

[3:06] They took on Phil Hartman and Kirsten Dunst.

[3:08] Yeah.

[3:09] I guess they did.

[3:09] They're the bad guys.

Dan McCoy

[3:10] So, no.

[3:11] Spoiler alert.

[3:12] So, Small Timber.

[3:14] Small Vember.

[3:14] Obviously.

[3:15] Followed by Shocktober.

[3:17] Followed by November, which means there's no theme in November.

[3:21] Okay, that's fair.

[3:22] Okay, yeah, yeah.

[3:22] So, but in...

[3:24] We only watch Dr. No.

[3:25] In Small Timber, we watch smaller movers here at the Flophouse.

[3:29] And we watch the smallest movie.

Stuart Wellington

[3:31] Boom.

[3:32] No Good Deed's a movie.

[3:33] No what?

[3:34] Anyway.

[3:34] No Good Deed.

[3:35] The movie where Idris Elba plays a twist, I think.

[3:38] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:38] It's got some kind of shocking twist that I don't know what it is.

[3:41] So, Small Vember is when we watch low-budget movies.

[3:44] Yeah.

[3:44] Made for...

[3:45] Smaller by small people.

[3:46] Uh-huh.

Dan McCoy

[3:47] Yeah.

[3:48] Like the terror of Tiny Town?

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Uh, yes.

[3:50] Exactly.

[3:51] The only all-midget western.

[3:52] Uh...

[3:53] So, last episode we watched God's Not Dead.

[3:55] Right.

[3:56] And it turned out God was not dead.

[3:59] Which had all the acting chops of Kevin Sorbo.

Stuart Wellington

[4:00] Which was, I mean, depending on which critics you ask, not a flop really at all.

[4:05] I mean, it was a huge financial success.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] Oh, yeah.

[4:08] If you ask God, he says it was the best movie ever.

Dan McCoy

[4:11] And a huge critical success, I assume, among, I don't know, like Church Bulletin?

[4:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[4:17] That was the surprising thing.

[4:18] There was a surprising number of critical church reviews of it.

Dan McCoy

[4:22] Yeah, because it was not Christian enough.

[4:24] And not a good movie.

[4:24] But I saw someone posted on the Flophouse Facebook page, like, reviews...

[4:30] Join it today.

[4:30] ...that were negative about it because the argument that the kid makes acknowledges the fact of

[4:37] the Big Bang.

[4:38] Ah, I see.

[4:39] Yeah.

[4:40] And evolution.

[4:41] So, that was not Christian enough, even though it was an expressly Christian film.

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] But today we're watching a different small movie.

[4:47] Yep.

[4:47] It was called...

[4:48] A Talking Cat?

[4:54] Huh?

[4:54] Who had heard of such a thing?

[4:56] Because here's...

[4:56] The title is A Talking Cat!

[4:57] What's the punch?

[4:58] Exclamation point?

Dan McCoy

[4:59] Question mark?

[4:59] Exclamation point.

[5:01] I suppose.

Elliott Kalan

[5:02] That's an...

[5:03] I don't know why your version of the title is so Jewish.

[5:05] That's...

Stuart Wellington

[5:06] That's my Charlie Rango impression.

[5:08] Charlie Rango?

[5:09] I guess I'm a lizard cowboy.

Elliott Kalan

[5:12] I'm a lizard cowboy that represents Harlem in Congress.

[5:16] Charlie Rango.

[5:18] Not to be confused with Charlie Ragu, the congressman who is a spaghetti sauce.

Stuart Wellington

[5:25] Sounds a little bit like someone's just alone all of a sudden.

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] Yeah, well, he's also got spaghetti sauce in his veins, you know.

[5:33] It's getting sauce.

[5:34] It was getting sauce.

Dan McCoy

[5:36] A Talking Cat with an interrobang with an extra bang.

Elliott Kalan

[5:40] So, interrobang, is that a porn movie about punctuation?

[5:43] Like, the copy editors are checking the newspaper articles late at night, and one thing leads

[5:49] to another.

[5:50] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[5:51] Well, if there was a pornographic movie, it could have been shot on the set of A Talking

[5:55] Cat?

Elliott Kalan

[5:56] Because here's the thing.

[5:57] A Talking Cat is a movie that, let's just say right at the top, every scene feels like

[6:01] it risks being about to turn into a porno scene, even the ones between family members.

[6:06] There's just this weird porn tone to the whole thing.

[6:11] And maybe it's just the awkwardness of the acting and the amateurishness of the shooting

[6:15] of the film.

[6:15] Well, but we can't...

[6:16] Spells out porn.

Dan McCoy

[6:17] We can't ignore the fact that the director, David DeCoccteau, who here was...

Elliott Kalan

[6:23] DeCoccteau, I think it is.

[6:24] DeCoccteau.

[6:25] Yeah, he directed Blood of a Poet, Porpheus.

Dan McCoy

[6:29] He was...

[6:30] What was the nom de plume he was...

Stuart Wellington

[6:33] He directed under the name Mary Crawford.

Dan McCoy

[6:35] Yeah, but this director had directed a bunch of softcore films.

[6:40] Mostly gay softcore films.

[6:42] He did some straight stuff earlier in his career.

[6:44] But that's not...

[6:45] Like the straight story?

Elliott Kalan

[6:46] He's not just a porn director.

[6:47] He's a sleaze director.

[6:49] And that's the thing that I want to say about this movie is that it was made by a...

[6:52] This is an incredibly amateurish movie that was made by a bunch of actual professionals.

[6:56] Like the director, who's also the guy behind it.

[6:58] It's made like 150 movies.

[7:00] He made Sorority Babes in the Slime Ball, Slime Ball-A-Rama.

[7:03] He made Test Tube Teens from the year 2000.

[7:05] Beach Babes from Beyond.

[7:06] A lot of movies...

[7:07] Hysteria 3.

[7:08] He made Retro Puppet Master, the movie that readers of the disaster artists may recognize

[7:13] as starring room star Greg Sestero.

[7:16] But like, aside from him, the two main adult leads in this were played by...

[7:21] One of the former child stars of...

[7:24] What was it?

[7:25] A Family Affair.

[7:25] A Family Affair, the TV show.

[7:27] And also an actress who was it...

[7:29] Kristen DeBell, who was...

[7:31] Dan was very excited to find was the star of Alice in Wonderland, an X-rated musical comedy

[7:36] from the 70s.

[7:38] But she was also in Meatballs.

[7:39] She was in, you know, actual movies.

[7:42] She's like, I want to hold your hand.

[7:44] If you pardon me.

Stuart Wellington

[7:45] Straight career.

[7:46] Did Meatballs have...

[7:47] Was that the one with the alien or was that Meatballs 2?

[7:50] Meatballs 4.

Dan McCoy

[7:50] That was like three years...

[7:51] Yeah, that was with one of the...

Elliott Kalan

[7:53] I think it happened sooner.

[7:54] That was later on.

[7:55] Then also, and the music, which we noticed was incredibly terrible, was composed supposedly

[8:01] by the same...

[8:02] According to the credits, by the same guy who did the music for the Friday the 13th series.

[8:05] Holy shit.

[8:05] Like, he's done a ton of movies.

Dan McCoy

[8:08] Swamp Thing.

[8:09] I can't believe that.

[8:10] Because it all sounds like library music.

[8:12] It all sounds like MIDI library music.

[8:14] Some of which is like sound-alikes for other things.

Elliott Kalan

[8:16] One of Stuart's favorite movies, Wishmaster, he did the score for.

[8:18] That's easily one of my favorite movies.

Dan McCoy

[8:20] She plays an axe.

[8:21] There's one piece of music in there that is clearly just It's a Small World After All tuned

[8:26] down like a step or two.

[8:28] Yeah, just for public domain purposes.

Elliott Kalan

[8:29] I think this is a lot of people putting in as little time as possible.

[8:33] And no one put in less time than this big name star Eric Roberts.

[8:37] The titular Talking Cat.

Dan McCoy

[8:38] So the Talking Cat on screen...

[8:39] The Talking Cat?

Elliott Kalan

[8:41] On screen, the Talking Cat is played by, as the credits say, special guest star Squeaky.

[8:46] Squeaky?

[8:46] He has a cat named Squeaky who's playing a cat named Duffy.

[8:49] Special guest star.

[8:50] His voice is...

[8:51] On loan from what?

[8:53] From his owner.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] From the old lady who lives down the street.

[8:56] Yeah, he's normally starring in sitting around and cleaning himself.

Dan McCoy

[9:00] Everybody, the star of Night Court, Squeaky.

Elliott Kalan

[9:05] We were very lucky to get...

[9:07] Look, you normally only see him in the litter box.

[9:09] Squeaky.

[9:10] But he's voiced by Eric Roberts, who is a big name star.

[9:14] He was also in a flop house from before the Steam experiment.

Dan McCoy

[9:16] He was a big name star in the children's movie universe.

Elliott Kalan

[9:20] But he does the voice of the cat in a way that has been described, I think, by others as a man sitting in the bathroom on the phone, doing a first cold read of the script, and occasionally just going off and doing whatever he wants.

Dan McCoy

[9:31] Yeah, he doesn't seem to necessarily...

[9:34] I mean, if the script didn't say it expressly several times, I don't think that he would know that he was voicing a talking cat.

Elliott Kalan

[9:39] No, but luckily the character points out to us, the audience, and to every single character, I'm a talking cat.

Stuart Wellington

[9:45] With every line he reads, you can imagine the bathrobe he's wearing, the reading glasses lazily sliding down his nose.

[9:53] The peanut butter and jelly sandwich he's preparing.

Elliott Kalan

[9:56] You can almost hear the television that's on in the background that he's watching while he does his recording.

[10:03] Like, you can almost see the board game he's playing with, I assume, a nephew while he does this.

Stuart Wellington

[10:09] I imagine if it's Mark Roberts.

Elliott Kalan

[10:12] Mouse crap, because he's trying to get into the character.

[10:13] You can hear the wind rush by the car window as he drives somewhere else.

Stuart Wellington

[10:18] He's reading the options in the Leisure Suit Larry computer game he's playing.

Dan McCoy

[10:24] Wow, he's just now getting around to playing Leisure Suit Larry.

[10:26] Eric Roberts, it's his, like, tenth playthrough.

Elliott Kalan

[10:29] He loves those games.

Dan McCoy

[10:30] I like it because it's dirty, but not too dirty.

Elliott Kalan

[10:32] He's like, look, someday, I don't want to use a strategy guide.

[10:37] I'm going to unlock all the boobs myself.

[10:39] As long as there's a set of boobs I haven't seen in this game, I'm going to keep playing it.

[10:44] Thank you, Sierra Software.

Dan McCoy

[10:46] Oh, Sierra, what happened to you?

[10:48] Roberta Williams, wither art thou.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] Which brings the question, what happened to Sierra?

[10:54] Why is there not, like, an Xbox or PlayStation 4 Leisure Suit Larry?

Dan McCoy

[10:59] Like, LucasArts still makes games.

[11:02] No, they shot LucasArts down.

[11:03] What?

Stuart Wellington

[11:05] I'm sorry, Dan.

[11:06] Sorry, Dan.

[11:07] This isn't how I want you to find out.

[11:07] That is like the one game company you can name.

[11:10] Oh, my God.

Elliott Kalan

[11:11] No more Maniac Mansion games.

[11:13] No more Groom Fandango.

[11:15] Full throttle, too.

[11:16] Sorry, it's not happening.

Dan McCoy

[11:17] But Monkey Island, right?

[11:19] I'm sorry, Monkey Island was bombed.

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] It's been used as a nuke testing range.

[11:25] All the monkeys are dead.

[11:27] Anyway, so there was a cat who talked or something?

[11:31] So this movie is about, so this is the story of a bunch of stock footage of a forest, and

[11:36] also a beach, and also the exterior of a house that is intercut with scenes involving a talking

[11:43] cat.

Dan McCoy

[11:43] Now, these are all supposed to be within walking distance of each other, but it appears to

[11:46] be Hawaii, the Pacific Northwest, and the coast of California.

Elliott Kalan

[11:49] And Southern California.

[11:51] Now, here's the thing.

[11:53] The movie never actually suggests that these places are where this movie is taking place.

[11:58] It merely does it.

[12:00] It could be anywhere.

[12:00] It's a real Kuleshov experiment where it just presents you with a location and then cuts

[12:06] to a scene, and it forces you, the viewer, to make the choice that this is where the scene

[12:10] is taking place.

[12:11] We're as complicit in the shitty filmmaking of this movie as anybody.

[12:15] It's a real indictment.

[12:17] What he's doing here is really calling into question the whole artifice of film.

[12:21] For if we can't trust a talking cat to tell us the truth, who can we trust?

[12:25] The slick Hollywood slicksters?

[12:27] It's like a Michael Hanukkah movie.

[12:30] Yeah, Michael Hanukkah.

[12:31] There are eight nights of Michael Hanukkah.

[12:33] Well, there was funny games, funny games too.

[12:35] They thought there was only...

[12:36] Funnier games, right?

[12:37] Funny games too, funnier games.

[12:39] They thought there was only enough...

[12:42] Violence to fill up one...

[12:43] A violent, nihilistic, shock filmmaking for one night.

[12:46] But no, lo, there were eight nights.

[12:48] Caché.

[12:49] I guess it's called cash.

[12:51] The white ribbon.

Dan McCoy

[12:53] Amor?

[12:53] Was that a Hanukkah?

[12:54] Amor?

[12:54] Yeah, Michael Hanukkah.

[12:55] Keep it going, guys.

[12:58] Wait, how do you say his name?

[12:59] Hanukkah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] That's close enough.

[13:01] No, it is not at all.

[13:03] One sounds like Hanukkah.

[13:04] One sounds like Hanukkah.

[13:07] I'm starting to think you just...

Dan McCoy

[13:08] That's the mnemonic I'll use to...

[13:11] I'm so sad at this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:14] I'll use my Hanukkah to wipe my eyes.

[13:16] Michael Hanukkah.

[13:17] I would never give this movie to my grandma on Hanukkah.

[13:21] Not Michael Hanukkah.

[13:23] That's how you...

[13:24] Look, every German director, there's a mnemonic device for their name.

[13:30] Like Werner Herzog.

Dan McCoy

[13:31] Yeah, he's like, this would hurt a hog.

[13:35] This would...

Stuart Wellington

[13:37] That grizzly bear would totally hurt a hog.

Elliott Kalan

[13:41] I'm gonna drive my Hertz rental car to Og, my caveman friend, so we can watch Dieter Needs to Fly.

[13:51] You don't say Herzog.

[13:54] You don't say her wants the Zionist One World Government.

[14:01] You won't say Herzog.

[14:02] That doesn't make sense.

Dan McCoy

[14:03] Next time I'm watching Even Dorf Started Small, I'll remember that.

[14:06] Even Dorf Started Small?

Elliott Kalan

[14:08] Again, Dan.

[14:08] He's always been small.

[14:11] Dwarves.

[14:11] He's always been small, dude.

[14:14] His shoes are on his knees, where his knees would be.

[14:17] Even Dorf started small.

[14:20] The one Herzog-Conway collaboration.

[14:25] You know, because he was originally supposed to be in Fitzgeraldorf.

[14:28] But then, instead, he had to back out and they got Klaus Kinski and they lost the Dorf angle.

[14:34] Aguirre the Wrath of Dorf.

[14:37] And, of course, Dorfsferatu.

[14:41] So many possible Tim Conway Werner Herzog collaborations.

[14:47] Dan, your inability to pronounce things is the gift that keeps on giving.

Stuart Wellington

[14:53] It's like Michael Haneke.

[14:56] Yeah.

[14:56] Yeah, thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] He goes on for eight nights.

[14:59] Anyway.

[15:00] So, a talking cat.

[15:01] Let's talk about the characters, shall we?

[15:03] Ugh.

[15:03] They're so memorable.

[15:05] There's two sets of characters in this movie.

[15:07] There is Phil, a wealthy computer programmer who just sold his company and lives in a crazy decorated house.

[15:13] He's like a blonde Otho.

Stuart Wellington

[15:15] He's like, if there's a spy versus spy, he would be the white spy and Otho would be the black spy.

Elliott Kalan

[15:21] See, he's a blotho, which is not a black Otho.

[15:24] It's a blonde Otho.

[15:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:26] Now.

[15:26] He's a fat elderly man, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[15:29] With a soul pack.

[15:30] With a soul pack.

[15:30] And a certain joie de vivre and a grace that is belied by his portly figure.

[15:37] Now, he has a son who is probably gay, but instead he expresses that.

[15:43] He's working through his stuff.

[15:43] He certainly comes off as.

[15:45] His son, Chris, expresses that by being a little awkward and also bookish.

[15:49] Yeah.

[15:50] And when Fanny, no, Franny, sorry.

[15:53] When Franny, a girl who's in his school, wants to be tutored by him, but really wants to go out with him.

Stuart Wellington

[15:59] I think she wants to go out with his swimming pool.

[16:01] Yeah.

[16:02] All of her flirting seems to be centered around, like, let's go to the swimming pool.

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] She's getting tutored in her Hamlet class.

[16:09] Yeah.

[16:09] And she's just, although, and, but each time she's like, hey, can we go swimming before we tutor?

[16:15] Hey, why don't we have today's tutoring session in the pool?

[16:18] Actually, you know what?

[16:18] It does feel like she's just using him for his pool.

[16:20] Yeah.

[16:21] And why not?

[16:22] He is, their chemistry doesn't exist.

[16:25] Yeah.

[16:25] But there's another family.

Dan McCoy

[16:27] Mm-hmm.

[16:27] Down the road.

[16:28] Down the road.

Elliott Kalan

[16:29] Down a long walk into a forest preserve.

Stuart Wellington

[16:32] Presumably, yeah, presumably in a completely different state.

[16:34] A walk from a temporary.

[16:36] A coniferous forest.

Dan McCoy

[16:39] A coniferous forest.

Elliott Kalan

[16:41] In a walk from the modern family house to what appears to be like a woods bungalow.

[16:47] Maybe like falling waters or some sort of.

[16:49] Yeah, yeah.

[16:50] It's a Frank Lloyd Wright masterpiece.

[16:52] There's Susan, who is a caterer who just can't make enough money.

[16:56] Shades of Bratz.

[16:57] Or enough cheese puffs.

[16:59] She really has to sink a lot of money into these cheese puffs on spec so that she can win a job catering for a toy company.

[17:05] There's no spec in those cheese puffs.

[17:07] They're totally vegetarian.

[17:08] Yeah.

[17:09] She wants to cater for a toy company.

[17:12] Now, she has two children, Tina, a girl who's a computer whiz, but also kind of a couch potato.

[17:16] And she's mean to her brother, Trent, whose main personality trait is that he thinks he lacks imagination.

[17:23] And he knows how to fix things.

[17:25] Like a fence.

[17:26] Which he fixes for a long time.

[17:28] He fixes the same part of that fence over and over.

[17:31] Now, he's a good son.

[17:32] And his mom tells him that a lot.

[17:33] But he just doesn't know what to do with his life.

[17:35] And the fact that he's 16 and doesn't really need to figure out what to do with his life doesn't seem to enter into his stupid head.

Stuart Wellington

[17:41] Played by first-timer Daniel Danis.

[17:44] Yeah, that was the thing.

[17:44] And introducing.

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] Daniel Danis, who played Trent, was introduced as, and introducing.

[17:49] Yep.

[17:49] As opposed to all the big stars we know in love.

Stuart Wellington

[17:51] Like Athena erupting from Zeus's skull.

Elliott Kalan

[17:54] The cat.

[17:55] That's what Zeus said, and introducing.

[17:57] And then Athena just burst forth, fully formed.

[18:00] Now, the cat got the.

[18:00] Somebody call for a goddess of victory?

[18:02] In my Nikkei form?

Stuart Wellington

[18:04] Yep.

[18:05] Hephaestus, craft us up a fucking camera or something and take pictures of this moment.

Dan McCoy

[18:11] Immortalize it for all of time.

[18:13] The cat got the character credit, though.

[18:15] The cat was like, and blank as blank.

[18:18] Yeah, that's the credit you want.

[18:19] So the cat had the good agent when it came to that stuff.

[18:22] Oh, yeah.

[18:23] Anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] So, basically, all these characters have problems that it takes a long time for the movie to communicate with us.

[18:31] Phil needs to find something to do with his retirement.

[18:34] His son, Chris.

[18:36] Has trouble with ladies.

[18:37] Has trouble picking up signals from ladies.

[18:38] Needs to learn how to swim, too.

[18:40] Susan needs to get this catering job, although the cat doesn't really get into that at all.

[18:45] Not really.

[18:46] Tina needs to get hooked up with Phil so that he can help her with his computer software idea.

[18:53] And Trent needs to learn he has an imagination so he can get an internship at a toy company.

Dan McCoy

[18:58] Yeah, I guess.

[18:59] And that other lady wants to hook up with the kid.

[19:01] So they're, you know.

[19:03] Wait, what?

[19:04] The swimming lady.

Elliott Kalan

[19:05] The swimming lady wants to hook up with the kid.

[19:07] His tutoring student.

Dan McCoy

[19:09] So their need's basically the same need.

[19:12] Here's the thing.

[19:13] None of these needs are important.

Elliott Kalan

[19:15] None of them are important.

[19:16] And the characters do a lot of...

[19:16] None of these are actual problems.

[19:17] ...wandering around.

[19:18] There's a lot of filler in this movie.

[19:20] None better than Stuart and my, I think, favorite scene in the whole movie.

[19:25] When the camera follows a white car driving down a road in multiple shots for an hour?

[19:32] How long do you think?

[19:33] Driving at a, let's say, leisurely pace.

[19:35] Like seven minutes?

[19:36] It is the least suspenseful or exciting car scene since the opening credits to Birdemic.

[19:43] But at least that had, like, scary music over it.

Dan McCoy

[19:46] Now, you're saying you like that padding more than the padding later on in the movie where

[19:51] the app that the teenage girl computer lady creates is...

[19:56] The idea behind this app is you scan all your clothes and the app suggests a combination

[20:01] of clothes you can wear.

[20:03] And so there's a scene where they are scanning all of their clothes.

Elliott Kalan

[20:05] They're just scanning the tags on their clothes and it dissolves to somebody else scanning clothes,

[20:11] dissolves back to the first part.

[20:12] This is the dad and the son.

[20:13] They scan clothes.

[20:14] It's like an eight-minute montage of them just scanning clothes.

Stuart Wellington

[20:16] At least in that montage, the, like, subtle ruffling of the clothes.

[20:21] Kind of allows you to drift off to sleep, kind of.

Elliott Kalan

[20:24] Well, the thing is, at least that...

Stuart Wellington

[20:25] Achieve a trance state where you can see the godhead.

Elliott Kalan

[20:29] That's what happens.

[20:30] If you would know ecstasy, watch a talking cat.

[20:33] Now, here's the thing about that scene.

[20:36] It might have been easier to take, if not for the clown circus music over it, because that

[20:40] music is telling me...

[20:41] Slide whistles and horns.

[20:42] Slide whistles and woo!

[20:43] And burp, burp.

[20:44] Like, you...

[20:45] It was one step away from just random boing sound effects.

[20:50] What that music is telling me is, this is the zaniest, funniest thing you have ever seen.

[20:55] These people are scanning the tags on their clothes?

[20:58] Has the world gone mad?

[20:59] Oh, boy!

[21:01] It's like a fantasy wonderland.

[21:03] A candy-colored playground for children of all ages.

[21:07] It's a Fellini-esque dreamscape.

Stuart Wellington

[21:10] It's a true romp.

[21:12] It's meant to show the difference between the father and son's relationship at the beginning

[21:17] of the movie, guys, and their relationship now, where they're having a ton of fun, scanning

[21:22] in clothes.

Dan McCoy

[21:23] Yeah, they can finally join together in an activity they both can enjoy.

[21:26] Now...

Elliott Kalan

[21:26] Kind of hanging out in a den area.

[21:29] In a hallway outside a door.

[21:31] Now, we've gone a long way without talking about the talking cat.

[21:35] Yeah.

[21:36] Duffy.

[21:37] Who is a stray cat who wanders around, and he's like the Incredible Hulk in the TV show.

[21:41] He just wanders into people's lives and fixes them.

[21:44] Does he talk?

[21:45] Usually, he just thinks out loud in a kind of Garfield way, but...

[21:48] And we hear it.

[21:50] And all the way do we hear it.

[21:51] We are privy to his internal monologue.

[21:52] We hear every soliloquy about how much he loves the woods and hates what he calls beeping

[21:56] machines, which sometimes seem to mean phones and sometimes mean computers.

Stuart Wellington

[22:00] Yeah.

[22:01] The thing is, Elliot, the line is blurred between those two things.

[22:03] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] More and more these days.

[22:05] What is a phone but a computer in your pocket?

[22:07] And what is a book but a movie in your mind?

Dan McCoy

[22:10] But all of his monologues seem to be like a combination of pseudo-poetic dialogue that

[22:16] has been written for Eric Roberts, and maybe Eric Roberts just improvising whatever he's

[22:20] thinking about at the time.

[22:21] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] Or it's him having cryptic conversations with the people, like a regular Confucius.

[22:26] Mm-hmm.

[22:27] Sure.

[22:28] But he is...

[22:28] So he can...

[22:30] Here's the rules about being a talking cat.

[22:31] He can only talk out loud to each person once, I guess, in their lifetime.

[22:35] He can have one conversation per person.

[22:37] So he's got to make...

[22:38] So he's going to use it to help someone get an internship.

[22:40] Yeah.

[22:41] And here's the thing also.

[22:43] When he talks, do they animate his mouth sloppily so that it looks like a black void that's

[22:51] just opening on his face?

[22:52] Yes, they do.

[22:53] It's like flies from the pit of hell should be flying out.

[22:57] Does it look like possibly we are staring into the abyss every time the cat opens his mouth

Stuart Wellington

[23:04] and risking madness?

[23:05] Everything we've learned about this world, three dimensions, everything goes out the window.

[23:09] The world is now flat and time and space is torn open so that his knowledge can pour forth.

Elliott Kalan

[23:15] Yeah, and he has a mouth that mathematically should not exist.

[23:18] And he uses non-Euclidean geometry from some horrible, unspeakable nth dimension.

[23:24] And I want to say something about this cat.

[23:26] Go ahead.

[23:27] It's your podcast, man.

[23:28] Who's stopping you?

Stuart Wellington

[23:28] You might think...

[23:29] The cat is the one normally doing the talking.

[23:31] You might think...

[23:31] Now Dan's doing the talking about the talking cat.

Elliott Kalan

[23:33] In this case, Dan is the talking cat.

[23:37] So they make a...

[23:38] A talking Dan?

Dan McCoy

[23:39] They make a whole movie about a talking cat.

Elliott Kalan

[23:43] They name...

[23:43] Let's...

[23:44] Let's...

[23:45] Roughly...

[23:46] Movie?

[23:47] I think one movie is questionable.

[23:49] But also, I think maybe a fifth of the film is about the cat.

[23:53] The rest is about characters finding things to do on a Sunday.

Dan McCoy

[23:56] They name what they charitably call a movie about a talking cat after this talking cat.

[24:05] And you would think that the titular talking cat...

[24:08] That must be some charming cat.

Elliott Kalan

[24:10] Oh, he must be like a dapper or a wisecracker guy, you know.

Dan McCoy

[24:14] Here's what I'll say about this.

[24:15] Elliot, I know, not a fan of cats.

[24:17] He's allergic to them.

[24:18] I understand.

Elliott Kalan

[24:18] Look, it's not that I'm not a fan.

[24:20] Biology has doomed me to find them uncomfortable.

Dan McCoy

[24:22] No, but you've got reasons to hold a grudge against cats.

[24:25] Oh, do I ever?

Elliott Kalan

[24:27] Stuart and I, both cat owners...

[24:28] I find them less than purr-fect.

Stuart Wellington

[24:31] Perfect.

[24:31] I like it.

[24:32] Lovers of cats.

[24:32] In my contract, there's a clause.

[24:34] Let's pause these interruptions.

Elliott Kalan

[24:38] Tail?

[24:39] Okay, go ahead.

[24:40] No, I'm just...

[24:41] To cut you out...

[24:42] You out-cat puns me, sir.

Dan McCoy

[24:44] What a cat-tastrophe.

[24:46] Cut to the chase, which is probably a cat chasing a mouse.

[24:48] The, uh...

[24:49] This cat is not a charming cat.

[24:51] For you, Elliot.

[24:52] No, not at all.

[24:53] This is one of the least charismatic cats I've seen in anything.

[24:56] And you like cats.

[24:57] I love cats.

[24:58] Dan's ready to give any cat the benefit of the doubt.

Elliott Kalan

[24:59] Let's just say something about Dan's cat.

[25:01] Dan's cat is an asshole.

[25:03] Dan's cat is a mean-spirited, glaring cat who...

[25:06] I mean, she loves me.

[25:07] She loves you, but otherwise...

[25:09] Because you're, I guess, curmudgeons across species lines.

[25:12] But she is a cat who is very unpolite.

[25:16] Let's just say that.

[25:17] But you love her.

[25:18] You're willing to look past her.

[25:19] We have a bond.

[25:19] You love Garfield, who, let's face it, also an asshole.

[25:22] I don't love Garfield.

[25:23] Heathcliff, no good.

[25:25] Terrorizing the neighborhood.

[25:26] Sure.

[25:26] You love him.

Stuart Wellington

[25:27] What about Riff Raff?

Elliott Kalan

[25:29] Riff Raff.

[25:29] Well, ironically, for a member of a junkyard gang, it's very polite and well-behaved and clean.

[25:34] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[25:36] Now, moving on to Sylvester.

[25:38] Are you complaining about Squeaky the Cat being...

Elliott Kalan

[25:40] Cat power, also, you know, fun songs.

[25:43] And Cat Dennings you love.

[25:45] Sure, yeah.

[25:45] Anyway, so let's just say this.

[25:46] The cat doesn't have Zaz, It, Pal, Glam.

[25:50] Cat Stevens.

[25:52] Moxie.

Stuart Wellington

[25:53] It doesn't have Cat Stevens is what I was saying.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] This cat does not sing folk songs or convert to Islam.

Dan McCoy

[25:59] No.

[25:59] It is a unpleasant cat that is clearly just there because they have lured it with tuna

[26:05] and with laser pointers.

[26:07] Stuart pointed out.

Elliott Kalan

[26:08] Quick-eyed Stuart pointed out.

[26:10] Slylock Fox over there.

[26:12] Pointed out that.

[26:13] Nudy Dutch Stuart over here.

[26:15] Yeah, you're Max Mouse and I'm, I guess, the explanation at the end that tells you what

[26:19] the mystery was.

Dan McCoy

[26:20] You're Sneaky Weasel or whatever.

[26:22] Oh, thanks.

[26:22] Thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[26:23] Whatever the fucking thing is.

[26:24] Sneaky Weasel, my second favorite Swedish sex position.

Elliott Kalan

[26:28] But Stuart pointed out that there's a scene where the cat is supposed to be hanging around

[26:32] some shoes.

[26:33] And you can clearly see the laser pointer they're using to keep the cat interested in shoes.

[26:37] Here's an example of the illogic in the movie.

[26:40] The mom.

Stuart Wellington

[26:41] What's illogical is that they didn't just fill those shoes with like tuners up in the tube.

[26:46] Cats love that stuff.

[26:47] They don't love that garbage.

[26:48] Rub those shoes with a cat and they have the cat go gaga over it.

[26:51] Tie it in the toe.

Elliott Kalan

[26:52] You don't have to see a laser zipping around there.

[26:55] The catering mom is introduced to us looking for her shoes.

[26:58] She can't find them.

[26:59] Her son goes, there they are, and points, there's a cutaway of shoes.

[27:03] Oh, as if they're in the same room that the rest of them are.

[27:05] Sure.

[27:05] They could be anywhere.

[27:07] She goes, oh, there are my shoes.

[27:08] She walks outside where her shoes are and the cat is at them.

[27:12] They're like, who's that cat?

[27:13] I don't know.

[27:13] And she walks away to work.

[27:15] Her shoes have never made it onto her feet.

[27:18] She's just walking to work in her stockings barefoot.

Stuart Wellington

[27:22] I have expected the shot of the shoes to have like a blizzard coming down around it.

Dan McCoy

[27:30] There's so many shots in this movie that don't appear to.

Stuart Wellington

[27:32] Like the shoes are flying around in outer space.

Dan McCoy

[27:34] So many shots don't appear to be happening in the same place.

[27:38] Even when you finally.

[27:39] Even when they are.

[27:40] Even when you finally get a two shot between two people,

[27:42] most of a scene will just be a shot with one character,

[27:45] then a reverse of the other character, then another character.

[27:47] Like back and forth.

Stuart Wellington

[27:48] The best is the moment when two characters are supposed to shake hands.

[27:51] And you can like almost feel the movie being like,

[27:54] oh, I don't know what to do.

[27:55] Two characters in one shot?

[27:57] Can we do that?

Elliott Kalan

[27:58] Let's say, you know what?

[27:59] I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt.

[28:01] I'm going to give the director the benefit and say,

[28:02] this is an homage to Orson Welles' film of Othello,

[28:05] which because it was shot over a long period of time on multiple continents

[28:09] and with different actors at different times because of budget reasons

[28:12] and scheduling reasons,

[28:13] often the scenes are done in one shots and don't quite match up.

[28:16] Perhaps he said, aha, I'll take the master's aesthetic

[28:19] and I'll apply it to my shitty movie about a talking cat.

[28:23] Because here's the thing.

[28:25] I don't know why they made this movie.

[28:27] Yeah.

[28:27] I don't understand.

[28:28] This is a movie where you're watching and you're like,

[28:29] I can't fathom the reason.

[28:32] It goes a step beyond.

[28:33] Maybe it's for cat lovers.

Stuart Wellington

[28:34] Oh, wait.

[28:35] We've already covered that.

[28:36] Cat lovers don't care for us.

Elliott Kalan

[28:37] No, because they love cats, not this ragamuffin.

[28:40] This unpleasant.

[28:41] This scroungy beast that appears like a cat.

[28:46] There's one shot of Duffy the cat walking out of a sliding door

[28:51] that's just close up of his butthole basically.

[28:53] And it's like,

[28:54] even a cat lover doesn't need to look in a cat's rectum.

[28:57] I'm pretty sure you get that shot like three times a bit.

[29:00] You stare into the cat's butt and the cat's butt stares into you,

[29:03] as Nietzsche said.

[29:04] Anyway.

[29:05] And you think, is that a hot dog end?

[29:06] No, it's the butt of a cat.

[29:08] Oh, I took it too far.

[29:11] I said here's the thing a bunch of times.

[29:13] When we saw Food Fight, I said,

[29:15] what's scary about this is that this makes sense to someone.

[29:19] I don't even think that's true about a talking cat.

Dan McCoy

[29:21] Yeah, I don't know who packaged this deal.

[29:23] Who's like David Ducato.

Elliott Kalan

[29:26] You're giving his name way more credit.

[29:30] What do you think it is?

[29:31] I'll tell you what it is.

[29:32] I'm not even going to think.

[29:33] I'll look it up.

[29:34] His name is David Ducato.

[29:37] There's no Cotto.

[29:38] David Ducato.

Dan McCoy

[29:40] What we need is you.

[29:41] All right.

[29:42] What we're going to do is we're going to take you,

[29:45] a gay porn softcore director.

[29:48] Let's call him a sleaze master.

[29:51] Sleaze master David D. whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] Give him a lot of credit here.

Dan McCoy

[29:56] He's basically the poor man's Jim Winarski,

[29:59] Harold Blueberry.

[30:00] We're going to put you with a child star from a 70s TV show.

[30:05] A 60s.

[30:05] A 60s TV show.

[30:07] And a pornographic actress from the Alice film.

[30:10] We're going to make a talking cat movie where the cat is Eric Roberts.

[30:14] And kids are going to eat this shit up.

[30:17] We're going to toss it on to Netflix.

[30:19] Direct a DVD.

[30:20] Direct a steam.

[30:21] Streaming.

[30:22] Here's my guess.

[30:23] Direct a steaming pile of crap.

Elliott Kalan

[30:25] It's going to steam right there on your own TV.

[30:28] Here's my guess.

[30:30] Everyone involved in this movie was kidnapped by aliens.

[30:33] The aliens brainwashed them into thinking,

[30:37] to not remember how a movie is.

[30:39] The aliens erased the idea of what a movie is.

[30:42] Yeah.

[30:42] This was,

[30:43] the hope was that this would destroy filmmaking forever.

[30:46] Sure.

[30:47] Because I guess the aliens are vulnerable to the magic of the movies.

[30:51] So this would destroy cinema and thus open, pave the way for an alien invasion.

Stuart Wellington

[30:56] It's like, aliens are all the bad guys from last action hero or something.

[30:59] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[31:01] Yeah, as long as the people watch movies, their power is gone.

[31:04] So that's, my only guess is that some kind of non-human intelligence edited and was behind

[31:09] this film.

[31:10] Now, we haven't.

[31:11] Maybe, here's the, maybe a computer gained sentience and decided to make a movie.

[31:16] Sure.

[31:16] And this was it.

[31:17] We haven't really gone through the plot of the movie, but the thing is, we can't.

Dan McCoy

[31:21] Because the thing is, like, all, basically the plot of this movie is all these people did

[31:26] not really have problems, and then a cat came into their life and solved their non-problems.

Elliott Kalan

[31:30] A cat had a cryptic conversation with them and gave them some pretty obvious advice.

[31:33] Their problems were solved.

[31:35] The cat gets hit by a car.

Stuart Wellington

[31:36] Yeah, that's the big finish.

[31:37] The cat gets hit by a car.

Elliott Kalan

[31:39] The big finish.

[31:40] The cat gets hit by a car, and they have to find his magic.

Stuart Wellington

[31:43] In a terrifying scene where we see, first, a black car driving at a medium speed, and then

[31:49] the sound of screeching tires and a cat squeal.

Dan McCoy

[31:54] It's a squeak.

[31:54] It's squeaky, the cat.

[31:55] Yeah, the car driving fast was shot with the same skill as the many, as Elliot pointed out,

[32:01] day for night scenes, where they just had, like, a weird blue fast.

[32:04] The day for night scenes.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] Holy shit.

[32:06] Those are, it's amazing.

[32:07] So, at nighttime, everything is bright blue, and windows are fully, like, brightly lit.

[32:13] In some ways, brighter.

[32:14] Like a nuclear bomb is outside the window.

[32:16] No, this is my alien theory all over, because every room looks like, at night,

[32:19] fire in the sky is going on right behind.

[32:21] The mothership is landing, and there's huge beams of light coming through.

[32:25] You know, there's...

[32:25] A little kid's gonna open a door, like, in Close Encounters, there's gonna be light coming

[32:29] through.

Stuart Wellington

[32:29] I recently, uh, I recently watched Lawrence of Arabia, and there's some day for night

[32:34] scenes in the desert that, you know...

[32:36] They don't look great.

[32:37] But, yeah, you know what's going on.

Elliott Kalan

[32:39] And day for night never looks totally convincing.

Stuart Wellington

[32:42] But that, I need to give that movie credit again.

[32:45] I apologize, Lawrence of Arabia, for looking at you slightly worse.

[32:49] I apologize.

[32:50] One of the best movies ever made.

[32:52] Your day for night scenes are better than A Talking Cat.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] You know what?

[32:56] I think David Lean, maybe you're right.

[32:58] Maybe I owe you an apology, David Lean.

[33:00] You are better than the director of, uh...

[33:02] Of Bikini Goddesses, or, uh...

[33:06] What were some of the other ones that he made?

[33:07] Hold on.

Stuart Wellington

[33:09] So, we have a cat that gets hit by a car.

[33:11] They put him in, like, a mummy costume.

[33:13] Yeah, that's...

[33:14] Like, this cat is clearly still totally fine.

Dan McCoy

[33:17] They've just, like, thrown a couple bandages on top of him.

Stuart Wellington

[33:20] The best part is that they say, you know, the veterinarians made him as comfortable as

[33:25] possible by dressing him like fucking Dengar.

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] He's, uh, look, he...

[33:32] How else are you gonna show that a cat is dying than by lightly draping a bandage over

[33:38] his face?

[33:38] And letting him roll around on a bed for a minute.

[33:41] As if...

[33:41] The cat doesn't know where he's at, dude.

[33:44] Well, the problem is they shot the film out of sequence.

[33:46] So, the cat forgot he was supposed to be injured in that scene.

[33:49] So, here's the thing.

[33:50] And so, the people make a huge logical leap.

[33:52] They say, perhaps the only thing that can save him is his magic collar that he hid in

[33:56] a grove of trees somewhere.

[33:58] So, let's walk through the forest in groups looking for this collar.

[34:03] And...

Stuart Wellington

[34:03] Your description sounds ridiculous, but that's literally as much time as the movie takes to

[34:07] describe this.

[34:08] Yeah.

[34:08] And they're like, might as well try it.

[34:11] We're gonna do it.

[34:12] So, they do.

Elliott Kalan

[34:12] They find the collar.

[34:14] They put it on the cat.

[34:16] There are some very cheap computer laser effects.

[34:18] Mm-hmm.

[34:19] And the cat's okay.

[34:22] Hooray, everybody.

[34:23] And everyone's problems are solved.

[34:25] The little girl's software makes a lot of money.

[34:29] Yeah, Eric Roberts explains all this.

[34:31] The caterer gets the job catering for the toy company thanks to a new big investor in the

[34:36] toy company.

[34:37] It's Phil, the dad.

[34:39] All the romances go well.

[34:41] And his girlfriend are in a pool.

[34:43] And I guess Trent gets that internship.

[34:45] They don't really show much of him at the end.

[34:46] They don't talk about Trent.

Stuart Wellington

[34:48] There is a...

[34:50] You know, one of the great things about that final montage is when they just show...

[34:54] Montage is loosely used here.

[34:55] The son, I don't remember his name, frolicking in the pool with his pool girlfriend.

[35:01] Chris, I think.

[35:02] Franny, the pool girl.

[35:04] And they're just like swimming back and forth without going underwater.

[35:08] And for some reason, she just says, cannonball?

[35:11] But at no point does anybody jump into the pool.

[35:13] They never do.

Elliott Kalan

[35:14] Oh, that was one of his problems.

[35:15] I forgot.

[35:16] He didn't know how to swim.

[35:17] And so Trent had to teach him how to swim.

[35:20] Which, again, felt like a setup for a gay porn scene.

[35:22] And that never happened.

[35:24] But yeah, yeah.

[35:24] She just goes, cannonball?

[35:26] And then they keep just kind of dog paddling around.

[35:28] Which doesn't make any sense at all.

Stuart Wellington

[35:30] That's not a cannonball.

[35:31] Maybe she's just...

[35:32] As a party animal, you're very upset about that.

Elliott Kalan

[35:34] Here's my explanation.

Stuart Wellington

[35:35] I was hoping that the talking cat...

[35:37] The talking cat?

[35:38] Would then do a cannonball into the water.

Elliott Kalan

[35:40] Yeah, and go, party!

[35:42] You were hoping it would end like that talking dog movie that Chevy Chase did the voice for?

[35:46] Oh, and then...

[35:47] Karate dog?

[35:47] Hold on.

[35:48] No, here's my explanation of cannonball.

[35:50] We didn't see it in the scene because they cut in too late.

[35:52] But the guy said, hey, what was the song that got cut out of the state DVDs because they

[35:56] couldn't get the music clearance rights?

[35:58] And she went, cannonball?

[36:00] He's like, yeah, yeah, that's right, cannonball.

[36:02] They had to cut it out of that sketch.

Dan McCoy

[36:03] That's probably what happened.

[36:04] What were you going to say, Dan?

[36:05] No, well, then I just wanted to...

[36:07] I didn't want us to pass over the fact that then when the credits happen, they do character

[36:13] shots for all the characters, and it's like three shots from the movie, but all of the

[36:18] shots of the different characters are the most boring shots of these characters.

[36:21] It's just like looking.

[36:21] Looking at something or reacting to something or listening to something.

[36:25] I mean, all of these shots happen in like one of two buildings.

Stuart Wellington

[36:28] And a couple of, like one of them had just happened seconds before where the woman was

[36:34] feeding the father cheese puffs.

[36:37] And then patting his gut.

[36:41] Well, I mean, he's an older guy.

[36:43] I can only assume a widower.

[36:45] Look, man.

[36:45] Well, he says...

[36:46] Not everyone gets fat.

Elliott Kalan

[36:47] When they meet, he says...

[36:48] When they meet, he goes, oh, I have twins.

[36:52] Oh, is your husband around?

[36:53] Oh, I'm not married.

[36:54] I never was.

[36:55] That goes without comment, which I guess is very literal in the movie.

[36:58] The Chlorian babies.

[37:00] Oh, yeah.

[37:00] Yeah, the Lord put them in me.

[37:02] And then he goes, oh, well, you know, it's awkward.

[37:05] My wife left me with my son.

[37:07] And so his wife, I guess, got tired of being married to this goofball.

[37:12] This goofball computer program.

[37:13] He's a workaholic, I think.

[37:14] We never even mentioned, like, the cat somehow uses his magic to put an article on the girl's

[37:20] computer about Phil's software company.

[37:23] On the, what, blinking machine was it called?

[37:25] On the blinking, on the beeping machine.

[37:26] It's like all caps, like, Santa's strength.

Stuart Wellington

[37:29] So he understands the concept of a machine.

[37:33] But he doesn't know what a computer is?

[37:35] He doesn't.

Elliott Kalan

[37:35] He's kind of part caveman.

[37:37] But, uh, cave cat.

[37:38] But the, uh, which is, would have been a great Hanna-Barbera character.

[37:41] But the, uh, the article starts out...

[37:43] It's like a spear tooth, basically.

[37:46] The article starts out being about this guy selling his company and retiring.

[37:51] And then the next paragraph is the description of a classified ad.

[37:54] It's like, I don't understand.

[37:56] Is the cat just making this up a whole cloth out of nothing?

[37:59] And he doesn't really understand how articles work?

[38:01] Because I buy it.

[38:03] A cat doesn't read a lot of magazines.

[38:04] Even cat fancies not really for cats.

[38:06] No.

[38:06] You know.

Dan McCoy

[38:07] Uh, yeah.

[38:08] So we should, uh, skip to, uh, Final Judgments.

[38:11] Whether this was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of like.

[38:15] I'm gonna go, uh, I say this is a good, bad movie.

[38:19] It gets...

[38:20] It gets a little rough going.

[38:23] But if you're watching it with people, like, it is absurdly...

Elliott Kalan

[38:26] It is an hour and 23 minutes, and it starts to drag around the hour mark.

[38:30] Yeah, but it is absurdly inept.

Stuart Wellington

[38:31] It has third act problems.

[38:33] Yeah.

[38:33] Like the Marvel movies.

Dan McCoy

[38:35] But then, but then...

[38:36] It has first, second, and third act problems.

Stuart Wellington

[38:37] If you like the Marvel movies, you'll probably like this.

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] If you like the Avengers, you'll love a talking cat?

Dan McCoy

[38:42] Yeah, but then, right at the point where you might be getting tired, then, uh, the cat

[38:47] gets injured and all that craziness happens.

[38:49] So, I say, uh, it's, it's a funny movie to watch.

[38:53] It's bad.

Elliott Kalan

[38:53] You know what, Dan?

[38:53] I never thought we'd agree on anything.

[38:55] But I'm gonna agree with you.

[38:56] This is the goodest of the bad movies.

[38:58] It is a, uh, it was a delight most of the time in how stupid it was and bad.

[39:03] Don't watch it alone, because you'll wonder how your life came to this.

[39:07] Watch it with a friend.

[39:08] You'll find, you'll be found dead in a pool of your own vomit.

[39:12] It'll be ruled a justified suicide.

Stuart Wellington

[39:16] Who's gonna rule it?

[39:17] Judge fucking Harry?

[39:18] Uh, Judge Death, I guess.

[39:21] Judge Harry.

[39:22] Judge Death, the bad guy from fucking Judge Dredd?

Dan McCoy

[39:25] Bring up the next case, Mac.

[39:27] And they just wheel in a body with a sheet over it.

[39:30] Oh, talking cat?

[39:32] Oh, okay.

[39:33] Oh, this body was found dead.

[39:34] Watching a talking cat.

[39:36] Well, there's no plaintiff for defending here, but I guess it's just...

[39:39] Case dismissed.

[39:40] Throw him away and lock up the key.

Stuart Wellington

[39:43] Bring in the next case.

[39:44] It's another body under a sheet, but it's Dan Fielding in a babe.

[39:47] Night court.

Dan McCoy

[39:50] Still, what did you guys say?

Stuart Wellington

[39:52] No, you guys are both right.

[39:54] It is a good, bad movie.

[39:57] It is the type of thing that I would normally hope to watch more of here.

[40:01] Yes.

[40:01] Yeah.

[40:02] In this flop house of ours.

Elliott Kalan

[40:04] If every flop house movie was like this one, this would be a joy, as opposed to the grueling

[40:09] Sisyphean-task.

[40:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:12] Stu, before we...

[40:14] Knives in my ding-dong.

[40:16] The Stuart Wellington story.

[40:17] Before we move on.

[40:19] An A&E Lifetime original movie.

[40:20] And then they came for my ding-dong.

[40:22] Not without my ding-dong.

[40:24] The Castle Freaks tale.

[40:26] The ding-dong story.

[40:29] Before we move on, Stuart, I believe you have a few words to say regarding our Yonkers

[40:35] live show on October the 18th.

Stuart Wellington

[40:38] Dan, I'm bonkers over our Yonkers live show.

Dan McCoy

[40:41] Were those the words you needed to say?

Stuart Wellington

[40:44] No, what I'm going to say, guys, is that if you are listening to this, you should immediately

[40:49] go and check out our website, flophousepodcast.com, where we have information about our upcoming

[40:57] live show on...

[40:58] October 18th.

[41:00] Saturday.

[41:01] Shocktober scared-teens.

[41:03] Okay.

[41:04] And that's at the Yonkers Draft House up in Yonkers, New York.

Elliott Kalan

[41:08] Well, Alamo Draft House.

Stuart Wellington

[41:09] It's the Alamo Draft House in Yonkers, New York.

[41:11] Thank you, Elliot, for fixing what I just said.

[41:14] And the big information is that we are actually sending some party buses up there.

[41:20] Party buses that are going to be picking people up at Charlene's Bar at 353 Flatbush Avenue

[41:26] in Brooklyn, New York.

[41:28] And they're going to be taking people up to the show and then bringing people back.

[41:32] And tickets are $26.

Elliott Kalan

[41:35] Now, this does not include a ticket to the show.

Stuart Wellington

[41:38] Does not include a ticket to the show.

[41:39] More information, because I am totally fucking this up, because I've had a couple of beers.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] But so basically, if you're looking for a more expensive way to get to Yonkers and don't

[41:48] want to see the show, just buy a ticket on the bus.

[41:50] I guess you could buy a ticket.

[41:51] That's good.

Dan McCoy

[41:51] This could also just operate as a bus.

[41:52] I will say that if you're coming to the show, if you've got tickets to the show, $26

[41:57] back and forth from Yonkers is a pretty cheap thing.

[42:01] Much cheaper than a car would be, and probably cheaper than a train would be, or what were

Stuart Wellington

[42:05] equivalent.

[42:06] And if you want to see us in our post-show exhaustion, where we don't want to talk to anyone

[42:11] and we're dead to the world, totally ride on the bus with us.

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] Or our pre-show prep mode, where we also don't want to talk to anybody.

[42:18] Just kidding.

[42:18] We're going to have fun on those buses.

[42:20] Yay.

[42:20] And guess what?

[42:21] You can get a drink at Charlene's Before and After, the best bar in Brooklyn, I think

[42:24] so.

Stuart Wellington

[42:24] Yeah.

[42:24] And you can also get drinks and food at the Alamo Draft House.

[42:28] So what were you going to say, Elliot?

[42:30] I was going to say, so Stuart, what was that again?

[42:32] So go to the Flophouse podcast website, and the link is at the very bottom of the page,

[42:39] and we accept PayPal for this.

Dan McCoy

[42:41] The first bus sold out very fast, so if you're listening to this early on, hi-the to the website,

[42:49] and maybe you'll get on the second bus.

[42:51] Get on the bus.

[42:52] That's what the Spike Lee movie was about, right?

Elliott Kalan

[42:54] Going to Yonkers to see us talk about I Know Who Killed Me?

[42:56] Yeah.

[42:57] Speaking of which, October 18th, Alamo Draft House.

[43:00] I Know Who Killed Me, with us, the Flophouse gang.

[43:03] And guests.

[43:04] Get on the bus.

Dan McCoy

[43:05] I also want to remind people about the Song of the Autumn contest, where you-

[43:09] Song of the Autumn.

[43:10] Take audio from previous episodes of the Flophouse, turn them into a catchy tune.

[43:16] Catchy tune.

[43:17] Put your song up on SoundCloud, so we can embed it on our site, and then send us a link.

[43:22] It's like YouTube for songs.

[43:24] Now, I think I may have given the wrong email address last time.

[43:28] I think I may have said-

Stuart Wellington

[43:31] I've used this with girls in the past.

Dan McCoy

[43:33] I think I may have said FlophousePodcast at gmail.com, when I think it actually might

[43:38] be TheFlophousePodcast at gmail.com.

[43:40] Did you look this up?

[43:41] Even more of an ungainly thing.

[43:43] Did you double-check this and maybe write it down so you can read it right now?

[43:46] Well, I'm doing it now.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] So if you send it to one-

[43:51] I just thought it was funny that you were like, I think I did it wrong last time.

[43:53] I think it's TheFlophousePodcast.com.

Stuart Wellington

[43:56] Try me.

[43:58] Try FlophousePodcast number one.

Dan McCoy

[44:00] If you send it to one, try the other.

[44:01] But the one way that I know that you'll get it to us is if you go to our website, FlophousePodcast.com,

[44:10] click on Contact, the Contact tab-

[44:13] That'll take you to Dan's favorite Jodie Foster movie.

[44:16] If you put it in that, then I will get the message.

[44:21] So the best way to submit a song for the Song of the Autumn Contest is to go through the

[44:24] website.

[44:25] Through the Flophouse website.

[44:26] The contact link on the website.

Elliott Kalan

[44:27] The FlophousePodcast.com.

Stuart Wellington

[44:28] Yeah.

[44:29] When you're ready to make your song, it's basically all anywho.

[44:32] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:33] And so the deadline to get songs in-

[44:34] You can just make R-O-C-K in the USA the way I did it.

[44:38] Yeah.

[44:38] It's going to win.

Dan McCoy

[44:39] A reminder that the deadline to get songs in is October the 1st.

[44:42] The winning song we played at the end of the episode of our show that drops November 1st,

[44:48] and the winner will get a t-shirt and get to pick a movie for us to discuss.

[44:53] Full rules for the contest are also available on the aforementioned website, FlophousePodcast.com.

[45:01] So that ends the announcements segment.

[45:03] Go to the website.

Elliott Kalan

[45:04] Some good announcements.

[45:04] We've got the show in Yonkers, October 18th.

[45:06] Get on the bus, sign up on the website.

[45:08] And while you're on the website, submit your Song of the Autumn contest entry.

[45:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:13] But now, it's the next segment, which is called-

[45:16] What's that?

Stuart Wellington

[45:17] Letters from Listeners.

[45:20] Letters.

Dan McCoy

[45:22] Wait, were you going to say that?

[45:24] I feel like we touched a magical skull and we switched bodies for a second.

[45:29] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[45:29] And then we touched the skull again.

[45:30] Yeah.

[45:31] So anyway, to continue.

[45:32] You both peed on a magical skull.

[45:34] And then the owner of the museum that the skull was in chased us out.

[45:39] Listeners.

[45:39] Listeners, send some letters.

[45:41] Listeners.

[45:43] Listeners, go and getters.

[45:44] I appreciate the ambition it took to write that letter and slip it in a book.

[45:50] Maybe improve vocals for the voice.

[45:51] You'd use it as a bookmark for a while.

[45:54] You'd forget to mail it till you saw it and smiled.

[45:57] That's right.

[45:58] There's my letter as a listener.

[46:01] And I'll mail it to the Flophouse.

[46:03] So I'm not listening.

[46:04] I'm talking in text.

[46:07] What's next?

[46:08] It's a letter from you.

[46:10] The listener.

[46:12] The listener.

[46:13] Who sent the letter?

[46:14] What's this letter going to be?

[46:18] Oh, wow.

[46:18] He's discovering more stuff.

[46:20] We're at the moment of maximum potential.

[46:22] Anything can happen.

[46:23] Maybe we shouldn't open the store.

[46:25] Leave it as a mystery.

[46:28] Let's not collapse everything so that all the events stop being possibilities.

[46:33] And instead, the waveform goes into one thing.

[46:36] That really, like, lots of all the things.

[46:38] That really, like, lots of all the things.

[46:39] At this moment, we have to assume that the letter's both pro and con.

[46:44] Love and hate.

[46:45] Says it all.

[46:47] Maybe there's eight letters in the box.

[46:51] Schrodinger's letterbox from the listeners to the Flophouse tonight.

Stuart Wellington

[46:57] All right.

[46:58] Well, this letter is from.

[47:03] Did you intend on doing a Schrodinger's letterbox in the A Talking Cat episode?

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] Schrodinger had to assume that the cat was both talking and not talking.

Stuart Wellington

[47:12] And that at some point, there would be a podcast about garbage and his movie A Talking Cat.

Elliott Kalan

[47:18] Now, people rarely talk about the Schrodinger's cat experiment.

[47:21] Oh, God.

[47:21] In which you have to assume that the cat or Beethoven is in the box.

Stuart Wellington

[47:25] This letter.

[47:27] But that's a huge dog.

[47:28] How would he fit in a box?

Dan McCoy

[47:30] This letter's from.

[47:32] This letter's from Chartex.

Elliott Kalan

[47:33] What if Schrodinger wasn't a fan of the musician Beethoven, but of the dog Beethoven?

[47:37] Totally different spin on the character.

Stuart Wellington

[47:42] All the symphonies crafted by the dog Beethoven?

Dan McCoy

[47:45] This letter's from Chartex, last name withheld.

[47:48] Chartex?

[47:49] Yeah, I hope I haven't read it before.

[47:51] It goes like this.

[47:53] Ahoy, floppers.

[47:54] I dearly adore the finely tuned comedic makeup of your podcast.

[47:59] Stuart's salty charisma.

[48:01] Elliot's brainy, hilarious interjections.

[48:03] Thank you.

[48:04] Dan.

[48:05] It seems to me that the three of you are the most qualified professionals to put the finishing touch on my cinematic bell curve concept.

[48:15] Allow me to explain.

[48:17] If we were to visualize the entirety of movie history as an enormous bell curve of quality, we'd see the vast majority of movies from really terrible to quite good falling in the big swelling middle.

[48:29] At the rightmost tip, we'd place those few movies that managed to not just be great, but more than the sum of their parts.

[48:34] Take The Godfather.

[48:36] Director, cast, composer, cinematographer, etc.

[48:39] Here's where you come in.

[49:05] What movie represents 5.0 on this scale?

[49:10] There are countless films clustered near the center of the bell curve, but only one can represent the absolute dead center, a movie with nothing whatsoever to nudge it into the good or bad halves, but which instead stands as an avatar of perfect cinematic beigeness.

[49:25] I'll defer to your expertise.

[49:27] Whichever film you anoint will be the example I forever place at the center of the cinematic bell curve.

[49:33] See you on the flippity-flop.

[49:35] Chartex.

Stuart Wellington

[49:35] Before we answer that, I just want to say, Dan, you did a great job reading that letter, too.

[49:40] You did a fantastic job.

Dan McCoy

[49:41] I think that the key is neither of you interrupted me.

Stuart Wellington

[49:44] The vocal exercises that you did before the show were probably really positive to your performance.

Elliott Kalan

[49:51] I heard no stumbles, no mumbles, no jumbles, no crumbles.

[49:54] Thanks, guys.

[49:54] You avoided all four of the bad umbles.

Stuart Wellington

[49:57] I would say just on the outset, to answer this question is going to be tough because it's going to be the most bland thing, so it probably fell out of my head.

Elliott Kalan

[50:07] Yeah, it's probably a movie we didn't bother.

[50:08] It's probably a movie like I Love Trouble with Julia Roberts and Nick Nolte that no one remembers.

[50:13] Yeah.

[50:13] Because why would you?

[50:14] Or like The Paper, you know, or something like that.

[50:17] Oh, I like The Paper.

[50:18] Okay, well then maybe that's a 5.3.

Dan McCoy

[50:20] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[50:20] Maybe Beethoven.

[50:22] We mentioned it before.

[50:23] Mm-hmm.

[50:24] That's a pretty mediocre, kind of nothing bland movie.

[50:27] Or like A Runaway Bride, maybe.

[50:29] How about that?

[50:30] I mean, that was a huge movie.

[50:31] That was a huge hit, but like, it's not.

[50:33] Does anyone remember that?

[50:34] It was a huge hit because it was so great, right?

[50:36] Yeah, that's how it usually works, yeah.

[50:38] Or maybe like a multiplicity.

[50:39] Like a multiplicity.

[50:41] Multiplicity is a little bit, is not a 5.

[50:43] That's less than that.

[50:44] This is speaking of someone who attended the New York premiere, Dan.

[50:48] Now, the, the, uh, there probably a lot.

[50:52] How was the Q&A after that premiere?

[50:53] There was none.

[50:54] Oh, that's terrible.

[50:55] Nobody wanted to be associated with the film.

[50:57] There are a lot of movies that fit this, but yeah, it's hard to think of them because they,

[51:01] like, one true thing with Meryl Streep and Renee Zellweger, maybe that fits as a 5, you know?

[51:07] I don't even remember that that exists.

[51:08] That's the one where Meryl Streep is dying of cancer, Renee Zellweger is her daughter.

[51:12] It was shot in Maplewood, New Jersey, the town my dad lives in.

Dan McCoy

[51:15] The other sister.

Elliott Kalan

[51:17] No, again, that's less than a 5.

[51:19] Milk Money.

[51:21] Milk Money, maybe, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:22] I'm just naming movies that I, that exist on the periphery of my memory.

Stuart Wellington

[51:27] Yeah, you're trying to, like, unfocus your brain like a magic eye painting.

[51:32] Those are paintings, right?

Elliott Kalan

[51:34] Yeah, they're paintings, yeah.

[51:35] They're all hands painted.

[51:37] Rembrandt invented them, yeah.

[51:40] If you stare long enough at Aristotle contemplating a bust of Homer and just unfix your eyes,

[51:45] a dolphin shows up.

[51:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[51:49] Like a goofy panther.

Elliott Kalan

[51:51] So, I don't know, like Brother Bear, maybe?

[51:53] Yeah, sure.

[51:54] A goofy panther.

[51:55] A bitch.

[51:56] Yeah, Rembrandt was thinking of Freddy Krueger.

Stuart Wellington

[52:00] Freddy fan.

[52:01] He's a member of the Freddy fan club.

[52:03] Mm-hmm.

[52:05] That thing you do.

[52:05] Yeah, who can forget Rembrandt's portrait of Freddy?

Elliott Kalan

[52:07] How about that thing you do?

[52:08] Yeah, that thing you do could be like a 5.1, you know?

[52:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:12] Something objectionable about it, but I don't really particularly remember.

Elliott Kalan

[52:14] It's like, is there anyone whose favorite movie is that thing you do?

[52:17] No, of course not.

[52:19] Would you ever go out of your way to watch it?

[52:21] No.

Stuart Wellington

[52:21] What about Home Fries?

Elliott Kalan

[52:25] Yeah, maybe.

Dan McCoy

[52:27] Vince Gilligan, by the way, man.

[52:29] Or like Fever Pitch.

Elliott Kalan

[52:31] Maybe Fever Pitch.

[52:32] That could be one.

Dan McCoy

[52:32] Yeah, sure.

[52:33] Pleasant enough.

Elliott Kalan

[52:35] Or, you know what?

[52:35] Trouble with the Curve.

[52:37] Ah, there you go.

[52:38] I think I'd call that a number, a 5.

[52:39] Trouble with the Curve.

[52:40] That's a movie where literally I had no interest in seeing it particularly, but one day I was

[52:45] on vacation with my wife.

[52:47] We were really tired.

[52:48] She wanted to take a nap.

[52:49] It happened to be on TV.

[52:50] I started watching it roughly 40 minutes in.

[52:52] It just happened first time, first time writer, long time fan.

[52:55] And I just finished watching it.

[52:56] And I was like, you know what?

[52:58] I wasn't mad at that movie, but did I particularly like it?

[53:01] No.

Dan McCoy

[53:01] Ironically, Trouble with the Curve, straight down the middle.

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] Boom.

[53:06] High five me, bro.

[53:07] Sports.

[53:08] Sports.

[53:09] So now David, write in and tell us why that's an amazing movie.

Dan McCoy

[53:13] Okay.

[53:13] Moving on.

[53:14] Dear Flop Team, on the morning of the wedding of my one of my...

Stuart Wellington

[53:20] On the movie of my wedding.

Dan McCoy

[53:23] It's called Rachel Getting Married.

[53:25] On the morning of the wedding of one of my best friends.

[53:28] It was.

[53:29] He and I and our other like-minded friends gathered in my basement to partake in something

[53:34] we had done numerous times over the course of our friendship.

[53:36] Shrooms.

[53:37] We watched a monster movie.

[53:40] Not just any monster movie.

[53:41] Hey, we watched a monster movie in the morning before my wedding.

[53:43] Yeah, Piranha 3D.

[53:46] Oh no, but rather we watched Head of the Family.

[53:49] This wasn't just a symbolic goodbye, but also a physical one as well.

[53:53] As that night, my friend the groom was hopping on a plane with his newly minted missus to

[53:57] fly to New Zealand to start their new life together.

[54:00] We ate burritos.

[54:00] As hobbits.

[54:03] We ate burritos and watched as the hero didn't heed the VHS clamp box warning and messed with

[54:08] the head.

[54:09] Oh, you know how you're going to end up.

[54:10] Yep.

[54:11] And if it wasn't for the recommendation of the Team Flophouse, we would have probably

[54:15] not had this masterpiece to send my friend off on his new life with.

[54:18] I think Stuart gets the credit.

[54:19] This leads me to my questions.

[54:21] What I've been waiting my whole life for.

[54:23] On several episodes of your hilarious podcast, the figure of Joe Bob Briggs has repeatedly

[54:28] been referenced by the floppers.

[54:30] Joe Bob, specifically as hosting of TNT's Monster Vision, was the defining television

[54:34] personality of my childhood.

[54:36] He was the first person I can remember seeing on TV who I knew was on my side.

[54:40] If something sucked, he told me so.

[54:42] When the TNT censors so shamefully scissored out all the best parts of the movies, I could

[54:46] feel his anger.

[54:48] Monster Vision was the place I saw what would become my favorite movies.

[54:51] Phantasm II, In the Mouth of Madness, Return of the Living Dead, and many more.

[54:55] Do you feel the Flophouse is the natural evolution of these late night horror programs?

[55:00] While you don't exclusively cover horror films, I found several of my new favorite movies have

[55:03] either been recommendations or are subject to the Flophouse.

[55:06] Movies like Bratz and Castle Freak.

Stuart Wellington

[55:09] The three floppers.

[55:10] Bratzel Freak.

[55:11] Pretzel Freak.

[55:13] That guy loves pretzels.

[55:14] That's German for a freak for pretzels.

Elliott Kalan

[55:16] That's English for a freak for pretzels, too.

Dan McCoy

[55:19] The three floppers plus cat, it seems like Joe Bob Briggs, are on the side of the movie

[55:25] going public.

[55:26] And without you guys, I wouldn't have such wonderful membranes to share with my closest

[55:29] friends.

Elliott Kalan

[55:30] Membranes?

[55:31] You said membranes.

[55:32] Such wonderful membranes.

Stuart Wellington

[55:34] Oh, boy.

[55:35] We used to pick membranes with my father.

Elliott Kalan

[55:37] Like mucus membrane.

Dan McCoy

[55:39] John Constantine's band.

[55:40] That's close enough to end up.

[55:41] Well, that's really nice.

[55:42] Thank you for the credit.

[55:43] I would love to think that we're Joe Bob Briggs from the new generation.

Elliott Kalan

[55:47] I don't think we are, but I would love to.

[55:48] Again, that would be a huge honor.

Dan McCoy

[55:49] I mean, I more feel like we're USA up all night for the new generation.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] I think we're more kept in video of the new generation if it's the USA thing.

Stuart Wellington

[55:57] Basically, every time I see Christina from the Alamo Draft House up in Yonkers, she basically

[56:01] just tells me about different screenings that Joe Bob Briggs shows up to, and I feel bad

[56:06] about myself.

[56:06] I wish I was at any of those.

[56:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:10] But he, yeah, I think he was a big influence on all of us, I assume.

[56:14] Yeah.

[56:14] And watching Monster Vision was definitely the closest I was ever going to get to getting

[56:19] to watch like Zacherli or something.

[56:21] You know, the real classic monster movie chiller host.

Dan McCoy

[56:24] I mean, I think that we all appreciate the simultaneously ironic and genuine appreciation

[56:30] of trash.

[56:30] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:31] Yeah.

[56:31] And he really liked these things, but he could also make fun of them.

Stuart Wellington

[56:34] And he, and I think like through him, I was introduced to Joe Lansdale, who I love.

[56:41] And then back to Don Cascarelli again.

Elliott Kalan

[56:43] Yeah.

[56:43] I mean, similar to the writer of the letter.

[56:45] Like there are a ton of movies that I saw for the first time on Monster Vision and was

[56:49] intrigued enough by them to then go see them not on Monster Vision and see the blood and

[56:52] the boobs and everything.

Stuart Wellington

[56:53] And it's too bad because I've really looked for other reviewers who are able to provide

[56:58] that same kind of viewpoint.

[56:59] And the closest I can get is like that, the horror review site Arrow in the Head, which

[57:05] is, even that is not quite good enough.

[57:08] It's like a weirdly like, like frat boy-ish type.

[57:11] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:12] And I feel like that gives things a pass a little bit too much sometimes.

[57:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[57:16] Hey, there are unique individuals in the history of the world.

[57:19] And Joe Bob Briggs is one of them.

Dan McCoy

[57:20] Yeah.

[57:21] Good old JBB.

[57:22] Anyway, moving on.

[57:24] Congratulations to Elliot on the recent addition to the most noble and ancient house of flop.

[57:30] As it happens, my daughter, first name withheld, last name withheld, was born late January.

[57:35] Probably was.

[57:36] I propose that to finally seal the house of flop with a venerable last name withheld claim.

[57:41] We can track now to marry these two sometime in early 2032.

[57:46] Maybe it could be a special episode of the flop house.

[57:48] Still pretty young to get married.

[57:50] By way of a dowry, I can offer $350 and a DVD copy of Goodfellas that's so old you have

[57:55] to flip it over halfway through the movie.

[57:57] I remember that addition.

[57:58] Around the time Karen blows Henry in the kitchen.

[58:01] It's not even a long movie.

[58:02] Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon.

[58:04] P.S.

[58:04] My wife doesn't know I'm doing this, so please try and keep it on the DL until the papers

[58:08] are signed.

[58:09] Ben Last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] Well, Ben, it's an intriguing offer and I'll take it under consideration.

[58:13] I want my son to have a little bit of choice in his own bride.

[58:16] But also, if we're still doing this podcast in 2032, something's gone wrong.

[58:20] I don't think you can pass it that job.

[58:22] So that money sounds pretty good.

[58:24] If I'm a 50-year-old man and I'm sitting here with you two yabos just watching Krabby

[58:29] movies, actually it sounds pretty great.

[58:30] At that point it'd be fucking space movies.

[58:32] It sounds magical.

[58:33] We're watching space movies in the Astro House.

[58:35] Yeah, yeah.

[58:36] We're like jacking on to the interwebs.

Dan McCoy

[58:38] We're 80 years old in our rocking chairs doing this podcast.

[58:39] That sounds kind of...

[58:40] Actually, that'd be pretty great.

Elliott Kalan

[58:42] Now I have a wormy bone.

[58:45] I have become...

[58:46] I keep it in a jar on my desk.

[58:50] Crab Keeper!

Stuart Wellington

[58:51] We have become that which we mocked.

Dan McCoy

[58:54] Actually, that sounds pretty good.

[58:55] I hope we are doing this in 18 years.

[58:57] All right.

[58:57] Well, a quick final letter from Mark, middle name withheld Morris.

[59:03] And he says, ding dong gate is dead.

[59:07] The running argument of whether or not...

Elliott Kalan

[59:09] Ding dong, the ding dong gate is dead.

[59:10] Ding dong gate.

[59:11] The ding dong gate, yeah?

Dan McCoy

[59:12] The running argument of whether or not the castle freak rips his own ding dong off has

[59:16] been answered.

[59:17] And I took the straightforward problem-solving skills of my 15 years ago.

[59:20] For new listeners, ding dong gate started many episodes ago with Stewart's insistence that

[59:27] there is a ding dong ripped off in his oft-recommended movie Castle Freak.

[59:32] Well, no.

[59:32] I mean, there is a ding dong ripped off.

[59:34] Your insistence was that the castle freak ripped his own ding dong off.

[59:37] I insisted that, yeah.

[59:38] Yeah.

[59:38] Other listeners, including Dan, have stated that there is no ripping off of a ding dong

[59:43] in Castle Freak.

[59:44] Even so, the controversy continued.

[59:46] To settle this dispute, my 15-year-old son, Chase, sent this tweet to Stewart Gordon, the

[59:52] director of Castle Freak.

[59:53] I have a question.

[59:55] Does the castle freak rip his own ding dong off?

[59:57] Yes or no?

[59:59] Stewart Gordon replied, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:01] I love that Stewart Gordon deigns to reply to that.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:04] Stewart Wellington, when presented with this answer...

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] I'm not sure you're using the word ding dong.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:10] Stewart Wellington, when presented with this answer, replied only with, God damn it.

[1:00:16] Thus ending ding dong gate forever.

[1:00:19] In the future, we should all take lessons from this young man.

[1:00:21] When we have a problem or a question, go directly to the source.

[1:00:25] Now that ding dong gate is settled...

[1:00:27] Finally rested.

[1:00:29] And now that its work on this earth is done, ding dong gate can ascend to heaven.

[1:00:32] Now that this long natural nightmare is over, we can turn our attention fully to answering

[1:00:37] this age-old question, does the Crypt Keeper have intact genitals?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:42] And what would happen if Penny met a dinosaur?

[1:00:46] So I think that kid, if he doesn't win a Pulitzer, then the system is corrupt.

[1:00:51] Then I don't even know what to believe anymore.

[1:00:53] This is some Robert Carroll level.

[1:00:55] This is the finest event.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:56] Some active killing style stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:59] He is the Woodward and Bernstein of ding dong gate.

[1:01:01] And I'm just glad that this fine investigative reporting took place.

[1:01:06] Thank you, Chase.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:08] Yeah, I'm kind of at a loss for words.

[1:01:09] It's been a very difficult day.

[1:01:12] This news broke this morning.

[1:01:15] My wife was frustrated because I kept ignoring her while she tried to talk to me.

[1:01:19] And I'm like, no, honey, I have to deal with this.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:21] Sorry, Stuart Gordon has weighed in on a very important matter.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:24] Stuart Gordon has betrayed me.

[1:01:25] It's been really difficult.

[1:01:28] You know, I feel like I've really supported Stuart Gordon.

[1:01:33] That was a weird beeping, huh?

[1:01:35] Yeah, your beeping machine is going off.

[1:01:37] Sorry.

[1:01:38] So I'd recommend a lot of his movies.

[1:01:40] You go on Amazon.

[1:01:42] His movies are often paired with A Head of the Family.

[1:01:45] Invisible Maniac.

[1:01:46] If it's paired with Invisible Maniac, I'll be shocked.

[1:01:49] Because that movie only exists on YouTube right now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:53] Now, Stuart, how are you going to handle this?

[1:01:57] Are you going to take some time to reflect?

[1:01:58] Maybe spend some time with your family?

[1:02:01] Are you going into a ding-dong, ripping off, seeing rehab of some kind?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:06] Yeah, I mean, I don't know about that.

[1:02:08] I don't think that exists.

[1:02:09] I feel like I need to go on some kind of a vision quest where instead of seeing a guy rip off his own ding-dong,

[1:02:14] I just see a ding-dong maybe grow back.

[1:02:17] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:18] Your spirit animal is a healthy ding-dong.

[1:02:21] Well, Stuart, God bless you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:23] Maybe I'll get that on a pendant around my neck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:26] I just hope you find solace in this dark time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:30] Maybe a tattoo?

[1:02:32] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:33] If you got a tattoo of the castle freak ripping his own ding-dong off,

[1:02:37] and then underneath it was tattooed, you're wrong, Gordon.

[1:02:40] You took a picture of that and sent it to him.

[1:02:42] I guess he'd probably put a restraining order on you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:44] Yeah.

[1:02:44] Yeah, I mean, I feel at this point, all my attempts to edit in footage on my Blu-ray copy,

[1:02:52] which doesn't seem to work because I keep putting it into my iMac and it's not working,

[1:02:57] but footage of him ripping off his own ding-dong.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:00] Now, the thing is, until Brian Yuzna weighs in on this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:03] I think that's the real key, is Brian Yuzna, I think, is a little more in touch with the material.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:08] I just like the calm equanimity that Stuart Gordon just responds,

[1:03:14] I don't know to this question.

[1:03:15] I don't know.

[1:03:15] I mean, to me, it suggests that the idea...

[1:03:17] There's no wiggle room there.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:18] No, not at all.

[1:03:19] Like the way a ding-dong would wiggle.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:21] Not even enough room for a ding-dong to wiggle in.

[1:03:23] The fact that he's not surprised suggests to me...

[1:03:26] There was no...

[1:03:26] What?

[1:03:27] Of course not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:28] Like, I feel like this is already filtered into him somehow.

[1:03:31] I hope so.

[1:03:32] Much the same way that I hope Alan Ruck knows that we were talking about him before.

[1:03:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:38] Although I doubt it.

[1:03:39] But now is the part in the movie...

[1:03:41] Or in the movie...

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:42] Now is the part in the movie...

[1:03:45] We're in a movie?

[1:03:45] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:46] Now is the part in the movie where the male and female leads get back together after having

[1:03:51] a misunderstanding earlier on.

[1:03:53] And it's also the part in the podcast where we recommend a movie that we like.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:59] It's the part in the movie where we recommend a podcast.

[1:04:02] So I'm going to say 99% Invisible and then I'm going to go on a car chase.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:05] Yeah.

[1:04:06] And I'm going to say My Brother, My Brother and Me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:09] And I'm going to say...

[1:04:11] What's a podcast?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] Oh boy.

[1:04:15] Here we go again.

[1:04:17] Please frame credits roll.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:18] It's going to be a long grandpa.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:20] You've been imagining that I've been taping these and putting them in a time capsule.

[1:04:25] Like Prince.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:29] Yeah?

[1:04:29] Why are you looking at me?

[1:04:30] Sorry.

[1:04:30] You both started looking at me like this was the moment where it turns out you're both cannibals

[1:04:34] that tricked me here.

[1:04:35] And now you're looking at me and just seeing a giant turkey leg.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:37] It's what we call a malign paradigm shift, Elliot.

[1:04:40] It's when you realize all the other travelers at the inn you're staying in are actually werewolves.

[1:04:46] Not vampires.

[1:04:47] We're talking lycans.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:48] The kind of thing that would happen in a Michael Hanukkah film.

[1:04:50] I was looking at you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:52] Eight days of great movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:54] Because I...

[1:04:56] Do you want me to...

[1:04:57] Yeah, why don't you recommend a movie?

[1:04:59] Okay.

[1:04:59] The movie I'd like to recommend is a film I just saw recently and I really enjoyed it.

[1:05:04] It's called Intimate Lighting.

[1:05:06] Which sounds like it's a softcore pornography film.

[1:05:08] But it's not.

[1:05:09] It's actually a Czech New Wave film.

[1:05:12] And I found over the years that I really like the films from the Czech New Wave movement of the 60s.

[1:05:19] They're like a...

[1:05:21] Usually pretty down to earth.

[1:05:23] Like kind of funny but not like goofy silly.

[1:05:26] Just kind of like either black comedy deadpan or kind of offbeat quirky movies that move at their own pace.

[1:05:35] And are shot usually in a kind of natural way.

[1:05:38] And the acting is very natural.

[1:05:40] I really like him a lot.

[1:05:41] And so this is one I hadn't seen before.

[1:05:42] But it's directed by Ivan Pastor who's best known for like Cutter's Way.

[1:05:47] And he directed Creator.

[1:05:49] But this was...

[1:05:50] I think it was his first film.

[1:05:52] And it's from 1965.

[1:05:53] And it's...

[1:05:54] Everyone remembers Creator with Peter O'Toole and Mario Hemingway.

[1:05:58] I'm guessing that a lot of people listening to The Flophouse know what Creator is.

[1:06:02] Or maybe they...

[1:06:03] Come on.

[1:06:04] When the guy's...

[1:06:04] The guy has no movies that are more famous than Cutter's Way or Creator.

[1:06:07] Sure.

[1:06:08] But...

[1:06:08] That I know of.

[1:06:10] But this I think was his first movie.

[1:06:12] And it's a short, tight little movie about a...

[1:06:15] Two musicians.

[1:06:16] One is a guy in this kind of smallish town who's married and has a family.

[1:06:22] And works with a local band orchestra that's mainly amateurs.

[1:06:28] And an old friend of his that he used to play with who is a single guy with this beautiful, sexy girlfriend who plays in the city comes to visit him.

[1:06:37] So that they can both play at a concert together.

[1:06:40] And the movie is really just the two of them interacting after what seems like a long time apart.

[1:06:45] And getting to know each other.

[1:06:47] And kind of feeling out this new dynamic where one of...

[1:06:51] They kind of...

[1:06:53] In some ways are both living the life the other one would have liked to have.

[1:06:57] Or at least the family man envies the single guy quite a bit.

[1:07:00] But at the same time there's a lot of local characters and just kind of quirky situations.

[1:07:07] They go to a funeral that they play music at that goes on for a very long time and they can't seem to leave.

[1:07:14] And there's a late night conversation between the two of them where they decide to go around the house listening to how the rest of their family members sound when they're snoring.

[1:07:22] And it just captured very well this feeling of these two guys who used to be friends.

[1:07:27] They didn't have a falling out but they've changed and there's something melancholy about that but there's also something funny about that.

[1:07:35] So I really enjoyed it a lot.

[1:07:36] Intimate lighting I'll call it.

[1:07:38] Because that's the title.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:39] Yeah.

[1:07:40] I'd like to recommend a movie I saw just last night called The Guest directed by Adam Wingart.

[1:07:50] Yeah, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:50] Your next guy.

[1:07:51] Now you better keep the shit light on spoilers dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:54] Yeah, he did Your Next which I liked a lot.

[1:07:57] But I think that The Guest is actually a huge leap forward for him.

[1:08:01] Okay, I'm going to put my fingers in my ears so just...

[1:08:03] There's not going to be spoilers but...

[1:08:06] So I saw...

[1:08:08] What was it in Vance screening at the time?

[1:08:10] It should be out by the time this podcast comes out.

[1:08:13] The director was there.

[1:08:14] The writer was there.

[1:08:15] The star Dan Stevens was there who played Matthew Crowley on Downton Abbey but has slimmed down and bulked up and has gotten super...

[1:08:23] He's a hottie with a butt off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:24] You can't do both of those.

[1:08:26] You can't slim down and bulk up.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:28] You can when it's muscle.

[1:08:30] You put on pure muscle, Elliot.

[1:08:32] Yeah.

[1:08:33] That's bulk.

[1:08:34] But this is a movie that they expressly described afterwards as the Terminator meets Halloween.

[1:08:43] And you can see that.

[1:08:44] Like it is...

[1:08:45] You can totally see that but it's also its own thing.

[1:08:49] But it's a film...

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:50] The Terminator puts a costume together and goes trick-or-treating.

[1:08:54] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:54] The costume looks like William Shatner.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:56] Dan Stevens plays a mysterious army guy who shows up at the house of...

[1:09:02] Again, Stuart.

[1:09:03] I'm just saying anything that you would see in any review.

[1:09:06] I'm not going to get any spoilers.

[1:09:07] He hasn't been reading the reviews.

[1:09:09] So Dan Stevens shows up as an army guy who was the friend of the dead son of this family.

[1:09:15] And he ingratiates himself into this family.

[1:09:19] But there's something a little off about him.

[1:09:22] And violence seems to follow him around.

[1:09:24] And it's a movie that seems to have cracked the code of how to be equal parts action film, horror film, and comedy.

[1:09:39] Without anything overwhelming anything else.

[1:09:43] And it's also one of these movies that is done in the style of sort of an older exploitation style.

[1:09:52] Like, it joins Drive or House of the Devil in feeling like it's straight out of the 80s.

[1:10:00] But it doesn't feel like a pastiche or throwback.

[1:10:03] It feels like it's just using that style.

[1:10:06] Or that it's trying too hard.

[1:10:07] Yeah.

[1:10:08] I mean, it just feels like some weird amalgam of John Carpenter and James Cameron.

[1:10:15] And some offbeat comedy film just fell through a time warp.

[1:10:23] And it showed up.

[1:10:24] And it's awesome.

[1:10:26] And it's just like...

[1:10:28] It's a movie that only exists to be entertaining.

[1:10:32] It has a great score.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:33] You can check your brain at the door.

[1:10:35] But no.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:37] I mean, it's a smart movie that just only wants to make you feel happy.

[1:10:41] And especially if you grew up with the type of movies that I think Stuart and Elliot and I grew up enjoying.

[1:10:48] Like, it'll hit that sweet spot for you.

[1:10:50] Disney movies.

[1:10:50] But it also, like...

[1:10:52] Pornos.

[1:10:53] But it also really worked for my wife.

[1:10:55] Went and saw it with me, too.

[1:10:57] And she doesn't necessarily give a shit about, like, John Carpenter movies or love super violent stuff.

[1:11:02] But she really liked this movie.

[1:11:04] In no small part, probably, because Dan Stevens is so charming in it.

[1:11:07] Even though he's a total sociopath in the movie, he is also totally hot and funny.

[1:11:12] Bulked up and slimmed down.

[1:11:14] Yeah.

[1:11:14] Bulked down and slimmed up.

[1:11:16] I just really, really liked The Guest.

[1:11:19] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:11:19] I can't wait to see it.

[1:11:21] So, Stu, what do you got it?

[1:11:22] Wish I could have seen it with you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:24] I have a relatively quick recommendation.

[1:11:25] I'm going to recommend a total psychological mind bender.

[1:11:31] Whoa.

[1:11:31] A real thriller of a movie.

[1:11:35] I'm going to recommend...

[1:11:36] It's called The Talking Cat.

[1:11:37] It's called...

[1:11:38] It will break you down.

[1:11:41] No, I am going to recommend the movie Enemy from last year.

[1:11:46] Directed by a guy...

[1:11:48] Enemy.

[1:11:49] I'm assuming French-Canadian guy whose name I'm not going to try and pronounce.

[1:11:53] The guy who directed...

[1:11:54] Let's pronounce...

[1:11:55] Let's pronounce...

[1:11:56] That gentleman who directed Prisoners, another movie I recommended.

[1:12:02] A movie I recommended in large part because of the atmosphere.

[1:12:05] I mean...

[1:12:07] Yeah, not necessarily such a great...

[1:12:10] Not a great story.

[1:12:11] Story, yeah.

[1:12:11] No, but it was...

[1:12:12] The acting and the directing is good.

[1:12:13] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:12:14] So, this movie kind of carries that on.

[1:12:18] It's kind of a passion project for his.

[1:12:21] A passion project that he kind of made using the credibility he got

[1:12:25] from Prisoners.

[1:12:27] And it does feature Jake Gyllenhaal.

[1:12:30] So, if you like Jake Gyllenhaal, this movie features a metric fuck ton of Jake Gyllenhaal.

[1:12:36] Get your fill-in haul of Gyllenhaal.

[1:12:40] Thanks, Dan.

[1:12:41] So, I'm not going to go...

[1:12:43] Dan, why are you an advertising?

[1:12:43] I'm not going to go too...

[1:12:44] I'm not going to go too...

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:44] Because you're terrible.

[1:12:45] I'm not going to go too into the plot of the movie.

[1:12:47] It's a movie that I feel is going to either get a one-star or a ten-star review from folks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:55] A real...

[1:12:57] Only God forgives.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:59] Yeah.

[1:12:59] In a way, I feel like it is to...

[1:13:01] It is to prisoners what only God forgives is to drive.

[1:13:06] So, it carries on a lot of the same atmosphere that you get out of Prisoners.

[1:13:12] And some great performances.

[1:13:14] But it makes...

[1:13:15] You know, it's...

[1:13:16] It's a little bit out there, I guess.

[1:13:19] Or, if you'll watch it, you'll be like, this is total garbage.

[1:13:22] I hate this.

[1:13:23] Stuart's a moron.

[1:13:24] Which is possible.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:26] So, three solid recommendations.

[1:13:29] Some contentious recommendations.

[1:13:30] Stuart seemed to lose faith in his own recommendation about halfway through.

[1:13:34] I think it's great.

[1:13:35] But I'll understand if you don't.

[1:13:37] I can understand.

[1:13:37] It's kind of like Prometheus.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:38] Yeah, I've felt that way about movies that are recommended.

[1:13:41] Where it's like, I love this, but I totally get why someone else would hate this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:45] But I...

[1:13:46] I'm not going to fight you, bro, if you don't like it.

[1:13:47] Exactly.

[1:13:48] We can still be blood brothers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:50] Look, Stuart's confidence and self-esteem are not resting on whether you like this fucking movie, okay?

[1:13:55] Okay.

[1:13:55] So, just back off.

[1:13:56] Eat a dick.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:58] That said, though, I mean...

[1:13:59] But just one, because that's all you're worth.

[1:14:00] I've often...

[1:14:01] Wow!

Dan McCoy

[1:14:03] Rose said, that's for grandmas in the audience.

[1:14:06] I've often found that when choosing a movie, like, the most interesting movies that I've seen

[1:14:13] have often been ones that super split critics.

[1:14:16] Like, you get people who absolutely adore it or hate it the most.

[1:14:20] And that means that the movie's interesting.

[1:14:21] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:21] Going back to the earlier letter on the episode about talking about the middle ground versus

[1:14:26] the outliers.

[1:14:27] Yeah.

[1:14:27] It's true.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:28] But every now and then there is a movie that everybody loves.

[1:14:30] Like, Toy Story 3.

[1:14:30] What a solid episode of the podcast.

[1:14:32] It's not like, oh, everybody loves that movie.

[1:14:33] It must be a piece of crap.

[1:14:34] Yeah.

[1:14:35] No, it's beautiful.

[1:14:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:37] Most recently, I enjoyed Gardens of the Galaxy like everyone else in the fucking known universe.

[1:14:41] Still haven't gotten to see it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:42] Yeah, because you're a human and you like things that touch...

Dan McCoy

[1:14:45] I've got two ears and a heart, as Alec Baldwin said on 3 Rock.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:49] But I feel like Snowpiercer on some level was that way.

[1:14:52] Yeah.

[1:14:52] Like, a lot of people were kind of divided on that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:55] People could either buy into it and love it or they just couldn't buy into it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:57] And the people that didn't like it just didn't seem to post on Rotten Tomatoes.

[1:15:00] So that's why it has such a good score.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:01] And they can eat 10 wormy boners.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:05] They don't merit 10 of those because Snowpiercer's not that bad.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:08] Well, no, it's only because that's what those nutrient bars are made out of.

[1:15:11] Wormy boners?

[1:15:12] Delicious.

[1:15:12] They grind up wormy boners.

[1:15:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:14] Now, Alec, what do those look like?

[1:15:16] I think that's the key question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:17] Oh, boy.

[1:15:18] Well, let me just mention...

[1:15:19] Nutrient bars, I mean.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:22] Let's get out of here.

[1:15:23] Anyway, another small timber comes from the end.

[1:15:26] Small-vember.

[1:15:27] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:30] As if there is ever another.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:31] As the elders sit around the hearth thousands of years from now, they'll be telling the younglings about the first small timber.

[1:15:40] The most recent small timber.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:42] As it has for ages uncounted and millennia untold, man puts small timber to rest in its cask of ancient winters, not to be reopened for another year.

[1:15:54] Ah, the dance of small vember has gone on for more lifetimes than a man can count.

[1:15:57] Upon the rise of the harvest moon.

[1:15:59] It would take two more fingers than all the living men combined possess to count the years of small timber.

[1:16:07] But...

[1:16:07] Some say small timber predates humanity itself.

[1:16:10] That the angels brought it down from heaven.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:13] Beware the howling of the winter wolf, for that means that shocktober is on the horizon, and small vember shall rest in a shallow grave.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:22] They say shock timber is the curse visited upon humanity for his hubris.

Stuart Wellington

[1:16:28] Shock timber is the worst month.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:30] That's a year that has a shock timber and pushes those two things together.

[1:16:34] That's only leap years.

[1:16:36] All right, well...

[1:16:37] I heard a story of a man who saw a shock timber once, but who could believe him? Such a thing would be an abomination.

[1:16:43] All right.

[1:16:45] Ah, stop telling us about shock timber, old man. It's just an old wives' tale.

[1:16:48] I saw it, I swear.

[1:16:50] A small timber and a shocktober had a baby.

[1:16:53] Go up to that old cabin, you'll see a shock timber.

[1:16:58] They said it could survive in this world.

[1:17:00] We're gonna have a party up there.

[1:17:03] We're gonna drink and have sex and probably put someone in a lake.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:07] Put someone in a lake.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:11] You'll see, you'll see, my followers.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:14] Shock timber holds the lake sacred.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:16] Okay, well...

[1:17:18] We gotta close the door on this thing sometime.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:20] Leave not your used condoms around shock timber's altar, or a horrid curse ye shall be given.

[1:17:25] He doesn't agree with normal style birth control.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:28] All right.

[1:17:30] Normal style.

[1:17:32] For the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:17:34] You see, a shock timber is sterile.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:36] I was a shock timber.

[1:17:38] A shock timber holds is a mighty beast.

[1:17:41] A shock timber can mate, but the shock timber is sterile.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:43] You know, and Elliot's the one who's always talking about getting home to his baby, and yet...

[1:17:47] He drags out the finish.

[1:17:50] So, uh...

[1:17:51] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:52] That passive-aggressive response was from Dan McCoy.

[1:17:55] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:57] And I am, shamed and apologetic, Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:02] Okay.

[1:18:02] Good night, everyone.

[1:18:03] Small member.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:04] No, temper.

[1:18:05] Temper.

[1:18:06] Member!

Dan McCoy

[1:18:16] A proper cup of coffee.

[1:18:18] From a proper copper coffee...

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:21] Topeka Bodega.

[1:18:22] Doing it and doing it and doing it well.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:25] What's your man got to do with me?

[1:18:29] I got a man.

[1:18:31] I ain't trying to hear that, see?

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:36] Makes me want to shoop, shoop a dupe.

Stuart Wellington

[1:18:41] Shoop a dupe, a dupe, a dupe.

[1:18:45] They took my rings, they took my Rolex.

[1:18:48] I looked at my homies and said, damn, what's next?

Dan McCoy

[1:18:52] Regulators round up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:55] It was a clear black night, a bright white moon.

The Flop House: Episode #161 - A Talking Cat!?!

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