The Flop House: Episode #160 - God's Not Dead

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Good news, everyone. God's not dead. He just needs a better agent.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] Hey, guys, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] Hey, buds, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:39] It's actually legitimately been a while.

[0:41] It has. You guys are...

[0:43] It's been a while.

[0:44] Every time.

[0:44] And those words are meaningless most of the time, but we banked a few because you and I, Elliot...

[0:51] That's business lingo, right?

[0:53] Yeah.

[0:53] That's business lingo.

[0:54] They're in the can.

[0:56] The toilet.

[0:57] That's butt lingo.

[0:59] But there were vacations.

[1:03] You had a...

[1:03] Business fix.

[1:04] You guys have been vacationing like crazy lately.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] Tell me about it.

[1:08] It's been a lot of travel unrelated to the movie that we watched tonight and not worth getting into.

[1:14] Okay.

[1:15] But suffice to say, it's been a long time since the three of us were in a room together talking movie stuff.

[1:21] Trapped here.

Dan McCoy

[1:23] Hot room because the air conditioner is off, unlike previous episodes where the sound was shitty.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31] And as many Flop Fahos fans are unaware, we actually have been cursed so that once every two weeks, we are trapped in a room by the Baba Yaga, or as Dan knows it, the Strega Nona.

[1:42] Until we talk for roughly an hour about a bad movie.

[1:45] In which case, the locks undo themselves, the door creaks open, and a voice says, he he he he he.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52] Until next time, floppers.

[1:53] Wipe out.

[1:54] Wipe out.

Dan McCoy

[1:55] Do do do do do do do do do do do.

[1:57] Nice way, park.

[2:00] So, here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] Okay, that's the vaguest introduction in the history of anything.

Dan McCoy

[2:06] It's a great transition.

[2:07] Not even a transition.

[2:09] Next month is the holiest month of the Flophouse calendar, Shocktober.

[2:16] And what better way to celebrate Shocktober than to ease into it with a little something we're calling Smallvember, where we look at movies that are slightly smaller than we normally would look at here in the Flophouse.

[2:28] Yeah, Smallvember.

[2:30] Not to say, much like Shocktober, you know, we watch movies at other times during the year, and we watch smaller movies sometimes at other times during the year, but now we're branding it.

Stuart Wellington

[2:39] Elliot, do you remember the first time you heard about Smallvember?

Dan McCoy

[2:41] Yes, it was when I said, we can call it Smallvember.

[2:44] An email chain that started two or three days ago.

[2:48] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[2:48] So, Smallvember is a storied and long-lived historical thing that we just made up now.

[2:55] What other months will we have to look forward to, Dan?

[2:58] Oh, there will be...

[2:59] Pornuary.

[3:01] The January when we just, hey, why not?

[3:03] Let's just watch hardcore porn.

[3:05] I don't know if it's a bunch of Brazzers videos strung together, or if it's a feature.

[3:08] Or like a compilation tape?

[3:09] Yeah.

[3:10] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[3:12] Or Fred-U-Lary.

[3:14] The month where we only watch movies starring an actor named Fred.

[3:18] Yep, yep.

[3:18] Fred McMurray, or...

[3:20] Fred Miller.

[3:21] Does he star?

[3:22] Fred Rogers from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

[3:25] He probably made a movie, right?

[3:26] I don't think so.

[3:27] Like, early in his career?

[3:28] Like, a Hercules in New York style thing?

[3:31] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] Yeah, the exploitation adventure film that Fred Rogers made.

[3:37] And who can forget Drop Dead Fred.

Dan McCoy

[3:42] But for the kickoff Small Vember movie, we watched...

[3:47] inaugural...

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:49] First ever Small Vember screening.

[3:51] We watched the Christ...

Dan McCoy

[3:52] History in the making.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] This is the Rosa Parks of small budget movies.

[3:57] Yeah.

[3:57] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[3:58] X-tree, X-tree, Small Vember movie named.

Dan McCoy

[4:01] We watched the Christ-ploitation film, God's Not Dead.

[4:06] Yeah.

[4:07] Oh, boy.

[4:08] Starring...

Dan McCoy

[4:08] God's Not Dead, you say.

[4:09] Starring...

[4:10] And this movie's said many times.

[4:12] BP TV hunks, Kevin Sorbo, and DK.

Elliott Kalan

[4:17] Hunk of TV beef.

[4:19] Yep.

[4:20] Kevin Smurlow.

[4:22] Ripley's, believe it or not, you better believe it.

Stuart Wellington

[4:24] This is the Superman-Hercules crossover.

[4:27] Yeah.

[4:28] That we're all waiting for.

[4:28] That we're clamoring for.

Elliott Kalan

[4:29] In that they share no scenes together.

Dan McCoy

[4:31] Superman-Hercules slash fiction.

Elliott Kalan

[4:32] Because that's right, Dean Crane is here, too.

[4:35] Dean Crane.

[4:37] Old crawl on Dean Crane.

[4:39] And I hope you like the Christian pop band Newsboys.

[4:42] Because you're going to hear...

[4:43] Because they make an inexplicable appearance at the end.

[4:45] A shit ton of them.

Stuart Wellington

[4:46] Because everybody likes them, including one of these Duck Dynasty fellows.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] Oh, I hope you like Duck Dynasty, because there's some of that in this movie, too.

[4:54] Yeah.

[4:54] It's like someone...

[4:55] It's like Dynasty, but with ducks.

[4:57] Just like did a random internet search for Christian interests and decided to put all those things into a movie.

[5:04] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[5:05] The Christian interests being Newsboys, Duck Dynasty, and Kevin Sorbo?

Elliott Kalan

[5:10] The one thing it's missing is if the characters stop at Chick-fil-A for lunch at some point.

[5:15] They're like, mm, this is a divine sandwich.

[5:18] Yep.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] This sandwich certainly is denying gay people their rights.

[5:24] Uh, wait.

[5:25] Politics.

[5:25] Oh, okay.

Elliott Kalan

[5:26] Luckily, the marriage between Taste Buds and Chicken is illegal.

[5:29] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[5:30] Yeah.

[5:31] In this state.

[5:32] It's Adam and Delicious, not Adam and Steve.

[5:35] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] Hold on.

[5:37] So, like, Adam was with, like, a golden delicious apple?

Dan McCoy

[5:40] No, no, no.

[5:41] Her name was Eve Delicious.

[5:42] Oh.

[5:43] She was a stripper.

[5:44] Because Delicious sounds like a...

Elliott Kalan

[5:46] How could she be a stripper if they had no clothes?

[5:48] Because they had no knowledge of their nakedness.

Dan McCoy

[5:50] It was kind of a burlesque routine.

[5:51] She actually put her clothes back on, which made it sexier.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] Even at the beginning of time, burlesque was a waste of time.

[5:57] Yep.

[5:59] Let me guess.

[5:59] She had history's first ukulele, too.

Dan McCoy

[6:02] But the...

[6:03] Oh, the serpents thought it was so hip.

Elliott Kalan

[6:05] Yeah, yeah.

[6:06] Yeah, they really loved the throwback nostalgia to an era that hadn't happened yet.

[6:10] Yeah.

[6:11] So...

[6:11] What?

[6:13] So what do we do here again?

[6:14] We watch a movie and talk about it?

[6:15] Oh, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:16] That's what the podcast is.

[6:17] Called God's Not Dead.

Elliott Kalan

[6:20] Yeah.

[6:20] Bullet to the God.

[6:21] Rated R.

[6:21] Bullet to the God's Not Head.

[6:22] It's not rated R.

[6:23] Rated R for religious.

[6:25] Not Not Head.

[6:27] Bullet to the God Head.

[6:28] It's the sequel to Bullet to the Head.

[6:30] Mm-hmm.

[6:31] Sylvester Stallone's mercenary character, Bobo, has a bigger target on his hands this time.

[6:38] The divine Godhead itself.

[6:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[6:41] The big mob boss calls him in and he's like, I got a problem.

[6:45] The problem is, God's not dead.

[6:47] Yeah.

[6:48] God's gonna testify against me.

[6:50] And the big court case is coming up.

[6:52] I need you to take care of that.

[6:54] It's a Walter Hill-Steve Islet collaboration.

[6:56] Mm-hmm.

[6:57] Anybody?

Elliott Kalan

[6:58] Steve Islet?

[6:59] Islet?

Dan McCoy

[7:00] Maker of the Islets on your shoes?

Elliott Kalan

[7:02] No, no.

[7:02] No.

[7:03] Slaughter-matic.

[7:03] Anyway, forget it.

Stuart Wellington

[7:04] Okay.

[7:05] The, uh...

[7:05] So, Kevin Sorbo stars in this movie.

[7:08] So, Kevin Sorbo does not star in this.

[7:09] As Dr. Radisson.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] So, the movie...

[7:11] The man who was bitten by a radioactive hotel.

[7:20] And given all the powers of an atheistic philosophy professor.

[7:25] Uh, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

[7:27] Mm-hmm.

[7:27] As...

[7:28] The Big Bang.

[7:28] As...

[7:29] You see, billions of years ago, something happened.

[7:32] Mm-hmm.

[7:33] And that's the...

[7:33] Four nerds hung out.

Dan McCoy

[7:34] ...controversy that God's not dead is hinged upon.

Elliott Kalan

[7:37] It's all in the book Something Happened by Joseph Heller.

[7:40] Do you want to read 400 pages of basically the same four pages over and over again?

[7:44] Read Something Happened by Joseph Heller.

[7:46] Do you want to hope that...

[7:47] Take that, Joseph Heller's least known book.

Dan McCoy

[7:50] I don't know if it's least known book.

[7:51] Maybe Good as Gold.

[7:52] Yeah.

[7:53] Do you want to hope that the lightning that struck with Catch-22 strikes again?

[7:57] Read Something Happened.

[7:59] Don't read Picture This.

[8:00] It's a much better book.

[8:01] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[8:02] Anyway, so, God is dead.

[8:04] Or is he?

Dan McCoy

[8:04] We can talk about Joseph Heller books some more?

[8:06] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[8:06] But it's also, God knows, the story of King David told from his point of view.

Dan McCoy

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:11] I mean, I only read the one, so I can't really get too deep in this.

Elliott Kalan

[8:14] Okay.

[8:15] Well, I'll just file it with Steve Eiland in authors I've read a bunch of that you guys

[8:19] are not that familiar with.

[8:20] Yeah.

[8:21] And we'll continue with the movie.

[8:22] So, young college student Josh Wheaton, a...

[8:25] Joss Wheaton?

[8:26] The movieman?

[8:29] Noted atheist Joss Wheaton?

[8:30] Not TV's Wil Wheaton, Wesley Crusher.

[8:33] Okay.

[8:33] His name's just Josh, which is a different name than Joss.

[8:36] Sweet Thin?

Dan McCoy

[8:37] Joe Sweetin?

[8:37] We act the Wheat Thin fortune?

[8:39] No.

[8:40] No.

Elliott Kalan

[8:41] Jody Sweetin?

[8:42] Yeah.

[8:43] Yeah.

[8:43] Full House star Jody Sweetin stars as Josh Wheaton.

[8:46] God's not dead.

Stuart Wellington

[8:47] Saying that makes you, how rude.

[8:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] You got it, dude.

[8:52] That's what Michelle was saying.

Dan McCoy

[8:54] She's like, we're gonna have a pants off dance off until we're as innocent as Adam and Eve

[8:59] in the Garden of Eden.

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:01] Exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[9:01] Anyway, Josh Wheaton, a college student, he said for the fourth fucking time...

Stuart Wellington

[9:06] This philosophy professor is about as welcome as Kimmy Gibbler.

Elliott Kalan

[9:13] He goes up to that college professor and he says, hey, atheism, cut it out.

[9:17] Yep.

[9:19] I'll just go play with the Beach Boys.

[9:23] The mascots of Full House.

Stuart Wellington

[9:26] They're like, you have summoned us.

Elliott Kalan

[9:29] You have struck the Elder Runes.

[9:32] You've arrived.

[9:33] As though we will play Kokomo.

Dan McCoy

[9:35] It really shows the different worlds that those sitcoms were living in.

[9:42] Full House had the Beach Boys, the non-Brian Wilson Beach Boys, while Cosby was drawing upon

[9:50] an endless well of classic jazz and punk musicians.

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] Yeah.

[9:55] In the least natural way possible.

[9:57] Hey, you know there was a plot in this episode?

[9:59] Well, let's stop it so we can go hang out at Lena Horne's restaurant for a little bit.

[10:04] Anyway, Josh Wheaton, a college student who's also a Christian, enrolls in a philosophy class

[10:10] that he needs for his pre-law major.

[10:12] Even though, as is puzzlingly said later in the movie, his nemesis, the professor, points

[10:16] out there is no pre-law major.

[10:18] Professor Radisson.

[10:18] Professor Radisson points out there is no pre-law major at the college.

[10:22] A threat, kind of, which is never explained.

[10:26] Anyway, he takes philosophy.

[10:26] It's also weird.

Stuart Wellington

[10:27] It feels like he just kind of wrote in in the other box or something.

Elliott Kalan

[10:31] I mean, he's a freshman.

[10:32] He doesn't have to declare a major right away.

[10:34] I certainly didn't when I was a freshman in college.

[10:37] For a while, your major was dance.

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:42] And then for a while, my major was pain.

[10:44] And then for a little bit, the major was a minor.

[10:50] Anyway, can I say the first thing that happens in the movie?

[10:54] You're not allowed to explain the philosophy of the movie.

[10:56] There's a Christian college student who enrolls in a philosophy course.

[10:58] He's warned against taking this particular philosophy course, but in a very cryptic way.

Dan McCoy

[11:03] And it turns out it's hosted by, hosted by, it's hosted by your friend and mine, Professor Radisson.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] My guest tonight, not God, because I don't believe in him.

[11:13] It's hosted by Chuck Woolery.

[11:14] So, Professor Jeffrey Radisson, played by Kevin Sorbo, who's not looking for...

[11:19] Sorbo?

[11:20] TV's Kevin Sorbo.

[11:21] That's two different weapons mashed together.

[11:23] Kevin Sorbonne.

[11:26] Kevin Sorbonne, which would be, I guess, his porn Mad Magazine name.

[11:32] Like if Penthouse Comics did a Hercules parody, it would be starring Kevin Sorbonne.

Stuart Wellington

[11:38] Pencils by Milo Manara.

Elliott Kalan

[11:41] For Mad Magazine?

[11:43] No, Hustler Comics.

[11:44] Okay.

[11:45] Yeah, yeah.

[11:46] Anyway, it's just a lot of panels of Kevin Sorbonne with his butt up in the air for some reason.

Dan McCoy

[11:50] And he's got a, I have to point out, he's got a goatee, which is the most devilish form of facial hair one can have.

Stuart Wellington

[11:56] Yes, it did look like he was the evil twin and that the good version would show up later.

[12:01] He's trapped in some sort of mirror universe.

Elliott Kalan

[12:03] And boy was he...

[12:04] Wait, what?

[12:04] It was a bit?

[12:05] Come on.

[12:06] Anyway, and boy is he evil.

Stuart Wellington

[12:08] You just went right through that whole bit.

[12:10] Because we have wasted a lot of time.

[12:13] A huge influx of new listeners that are going to see what movie we chose and are going to be like, oh, great, another podcast talking about my favorite movie.

Elliott Kalan

[12:22] So, Kevin Sorbonne starts his first class by saying, hey, let's cut to the chase and just admit there's no God.

[12:28] There never was one.

[12:30] Just to get the thing started, and this is a third of your grade, I want everyone to write God is dead on a piece of paper.

[12:37] Sign their name and just hand it to me.

[12:38] And everyone in class is like, yeah, sure, I don't give a shit.

[12:41] Whatever, I'll do whatever it takes to get through this class with this idiot blowhard teaching it.

[12:45] But Josh Wheaton can't do it.

[12:48] He cannot deny his lord.

[12:49] And so he says, I can't do it.

[12:51] I think there is a God.

[12:52] And Professor Radisson says, I'm going to give you 20 minutes at the end of the first three lectures to make the case for God.

[13:00] Or do whatever you want.

[13:02] Hey, you want to go up there and just beatbox for a while?

[13:04] I don't care.

[13:05] I'm going to flunk you anyway.

[13:06] But if you can prove there's a God, then I'll pass you in this class.

Dan McCoy

[13:10] Now, if you won't get mad at me for interrupting your synopsis yet again, I don't think we can pass over this quickly.

[13:17] Because like...

Elliott Kalan

[13:18] Pass over, Dan?

[13:18] Are you referring to my religion?

Dan McCoy

[13:20] Yes.

[13:21] Well, I mean, you know, we still use that part of the book.

[13:24] We just don't really focus on it that much.

Elliott Kalan

[13:25] Do you celebrate Passover?

[13:27] No.

[13:28] So there you go.

Dan McCoy

[13:29] I mean, we recognize it.

[13:30] We don't celebrate it.

[13:31] Like if it was walking down the street.

[13:33] You're like, hey, I've seen you.

Elliott Kalan

[13:34] I know that holiday.

[13:36] Don't tell me.

[13:37] Pap.

Dan McCoy

[13:39] Are you the one with the candles?

[13:41] Persimmons, right?

[13:43] No, but...

[13:44] Patty Chayefsky, right?

[13:46] To borrow from the good book, the premise of this...

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] That good book is not Something Happened by Joseph Heller.

[13:52] Look, I'm a big fan of Joseph Heller.

[13:54] Don't like that particular book.

Dan McCoy

[13:56] The premise of this movie is built on sand.

Elliott Kalan

[13:59] Just like the movie House of Sand and Fog.

[14:01] But they don't even have the fog to shore up the house.

[14:03] And I hate sand.

[14:04] The idea...

[14:05] It's so rough.

[14:05] It's everywhere.

[14:06] Not like Natalie Portman's skin.

[14:08] It gets in your butt.

Stuart Wellington

[14:11] Whoa, you're misremembering that movie.

[14:13] That would have been so great.

[14:15] Your skin doesn't get in my butt.

Elliott Kalan

[14:17] Anakin Skywalker's running his hands over Princess Amidala.

[14:20] And he just goes, I hate sand.

[14:24] And she's like, whoa, what?

[14:27] What did Watto do to you?

[14:31] Point is.

[14:32] So, Dan, this is a straw man movie.

[14:35] This is a straw man.

[14:35] Like, the idea that any college professor...

[14:38] I haven't seen a movie with a straw man this big since Wizard of Oz.

[14:41] Boom.

[14:42] Boom.

[14:43] Burned.

[14:43] You were going to say Wicker Man?

[14:44] Toasted.

[14:45] Put it in...

Dan McCoy

[14:46] Wicker Man also works.

[14:47] Put it in Entertainment Weekly's Notable Quotables.

[14:50] Do they have that?

[14:51] I don't know.

[14:52] They have, like, quotes from the week.

[14:54] I mean, it's usually Reese Witherspoon saying something, but you could have been in it.

Elliott Kalan

[14:57] Anyway, pod mask, cue it up.

[14:59] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:01] But no, like, the idea that any college professor anywhere in the U.S. would be like, all right,

[15:07] for a third of your grade, you have to deny the fact that God exists.

[15:09] Now, here's the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] I'm going to give the movie the benefit of the doubt.

[15:13] All right.

[15:13] That there is some professor somewhere who is a big enough pompous ass that he would do that.

[15:18] Yeah.

[15:18] But the idea that that professor...

[15:20] But he would be fired immediately.

[15:21] Yeah.

[15:21] And the idea that that professor...

[15:22] Well, unless he's got tenure.

[15:23] ...is a...

[15:24] That's the problem.

Stuart Wellington

[15:24] It's like Diplomatic Immunity, right?

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] Yeah.

[15:27] Diplomatic Immunity.

[15:29] Until Danny Glover says tenure just got revoked.

[15:32] Yeah.

[15:32] And then shoots them in the head.

[15:34] Yeah.

[15:34] But the idea that this is the threat that is shaking the foundation of young people's minds

[15:41] is goofballs.

Dan McCoy

[15:43] Well, yeah.

[15:43] That everybody in the class was immediately willing to just like, yeah, sure, God's dead.

[15:47] Sidon, Sidon.

[15:48] Except for the one guy who left early because it was...

[15:51] Because the class was going to be too hard.

[15:52] Yeah.

[15:52] That Timberwolves fan.

[15:54] You've got to assume that that guy was like a really devout Christian.

Stuart Wellington

[15:57] Yeah.

[15:58] If he'd stuck around, he would have made an even more convincing argument.

[16:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[16:01] He wanted to goof off class, but he was like a genius with a kind of theology.

Elliott Kalan

[16:04] So he would have more time to pray.

[16:06] Yeah.

[16:06] I want an easy class.

[16:07] He'll have more time to just speak to the Lord.

[16:09] Mm-hmm.

[16:10] Work on this psalm I'm writing.

Dan McCoy

[16:12] Yeah.

[16:12] So anyway, I just wanted to...

Elliott Kalan

[16:14] This altarpiece triptych.

Dan McCoy

[16:15] ...reiterate how stupid the basic premise of this movie is.

Elliott Kalan

[16:19] This is a movie that is basically a jack chick tract in movie form.

[16:23] Mm-hmm.

[16:23] But anyway, so Josh takes the case.

[16:27] Josh Whedon takes the case.

[16:28] Josh has his feet up on his desk in his private eye office.

[16:31] God walks in, says, people are trying to kill me.

[16:34] And he goes, I'll take the case.

[16:35] Yeah.

[16:36] I work $25 a day plus indulgences.

[16:39] And then he makes out with God.

[16:41] Because God's got some sweet gams.

[16:42] That's when a deity walked in who had stems all the way from here to heaven.

Dan McCoy

[16:47] They went all the way up.

[16:48] He had a beard that just wouldn't quit.

Elliott Kalan

[16:52] Keep going.

[16:54] Anyway, there's also...

[16:56] There's a couple different...

[16:57] We're introduced to a panoply of characters.

[17:00] I've used this as a description before with other movies, but it is much like a Dickens novel

[17:04] in that there are a number of character strands that...

[17:07] Well, in Dickens novel, they would come together beautifully, or in a Seinfeld episode, let's say.

[17:11] But this is sub-Seinfeld structure.

[17:14] There are a bunch of strands that don't really come together.

[17:16] And I think, Dan, you pointed out this was supposed to be like a crash, Babel-type,

[17:20] lots of people, like, lives intersecting.

Stuart Wellington

[17:23] It's all part of God's plan, man.

[17:25] Sometimes things just don't intersect and make sense.

Dan McCoy

[17:27] We learn how all these people's lives touch one another.

[17:30] Mm-hmm.

[17:30] You know?

[17:30] Just like everyone's lives touch one another in real life.

Elliott Kalan

[17:32] It's a real Gary Marshall's Valentine's Day.

[17:35] Uh-huh.

[17:36] Yeah.

[17:36] But imagine Valentine's Day was about the real St. Valentine, a Christian marker.

Dan McCoy

[17:40] But we spend...

[17:40] Instead, we spend, though, much of the movie just watching these subplots, wondering, like,

[17:44] how are these connected and yelling at the screen?

Elliott Kalan

[17:46] And turns out many of them are not.

[17:47] So let's mark down off all the subplots, can we?

[17:50] There's a Chinese exchange student.

[17:51] Uh-huh.

[17:52] Okay.

[17:52] Or just a Chinese student at an American school who is there.

[17:56] Yeah.

[17:56] He's Chinese.

[17:56] That's his plot.

[17:57] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[17:57] And eventually he becomes a Christian.

[17:59] And he's...

[18:00] He wears our clothes.

[18:01] He wears our clothes letters.

[18:02] Yeah.

[18:03] There's Kevin Sorbo's girlfriend, who is also a Christian, and he belittles her.

[18:08] Yeah, yeah.

[18:08] She has a senile mother, and...

Stuart Wellington

[18:11] I mean, she's younger than him.

[18:12] That's the only way you can keep her around.

Elliott Kalan

[18:13] Yeah.

[18:14] And the senile...

[18:15] Yeah, he negs her a lot.

[18:16] Yeah.

[18:16] He's always negging her faith.

[18:18] I think that's in the game.

[18:20] Go up to a woman and neg her faith a lot.

[18:23] You want to alternate compliments and blasphemy.

[18:25] Yeah.

[18:26] That's how you get a woman.

Dan McCoy

[18:26] You're like, oh, Taoism?

[18:28] Yeah, okay, I'm an uncarved block.

[18:30] Whatever.

[18:31] Great.

Elliott Kalan

[18:32] Hey, you're real beautiful.

[18:34] But maybe you'll be reincarnated as someone who's not so fat.

[18:37] Anyway, want to sleep with me?

[18:38] Yeah.

[18:38] That's how it goes.

[18:40] Anyway, there's...

[18:41] So she has a senile old mom who's in, like, two scenes.

[18:44] But she also has a brother who never visits the mother, played by...

[18:47] Dean Cain.

[18:48] Mm-hmm.

[18:48] And TV's Superman.

[18:50] TV's Ripley's, believe it or not.

[18:53] He was the host, I guess.

[18:55] Broken Hearts Club member himself, Dean Cain, who is a...

Stuart Wellington

[19:00] From TV's Las Vegas, as well.

[19:02] Yeah, yeah.

[19:03] Where the hero was named Danny McCoy.

[19:05] It all comes full circle, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[19:07] Yeah, that was God.

[19:08] That's proof of God.

[19:09] It's a miracle.

[19:09] Anyway, Dean Cain is a high-powered executive of some kind.

[19:13] I think he's a lawyer.

[19:14] He just got made partner.

[19:15] Oh, that's right.

[19:16] Partner.

[19:17] So, he's an asshole.

[19:19] And he's a jerk to his girlfriend, who is a reporter for an online website of some kind.

[19:24] Yeah.

[19:25] And she is ready...

[19:27] She is looking to take down the Duck Dynasty guys.

[19:29] Yeah.

[19:30] For one, they're being too religious, and two, they're killing ducks.

[19:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[19:34] We need to take a little moment to go into this in a little more depth.

[19:38] She ambushes...

[19:39] She ambushes...

Dan McCoy

[19:39] She, like, walks out from behind a pillar and thrusts a recorder into their face, ambushes

[19:45] them all.

Dan McCoy

[19:45] Into the face of a Duck Dynasty guy and his wife.

[19:47] Yeah, on the way to church.

[19:49] And, like, you've made a whole bunch of money off of manufacturing things that allow you to

[19:55] lure ducks to their death.

[19:56] So, she's blowing the lid off the idea that people hunt ducks.

Elliott Kalan

[19:59] Finally, someone's gonna take down the duck hunting industry after several thousand years.

[20:04] He's like, but I thought that was a secret.

[20:06] But I thought, my duck calls are just for entertainment purposes.

[20:09] If someone uses them for duck murder, I can't be held legally liable.

[20:13] Ah, ah, ah.

Dan McCoy

[20:14] No, but he actually, in this, he, of course, because it's all scripted, he owns it very charmingly

[20:20] and comes off as a rational person, where she comes off as a crazy person.

Elliott Kalan

[20:24] I mean, she does...

[20:25] Her hair is all crazy.

[20:27] She overslept.

[20:27] The first time we see her, she oversleeps because her alarm clock isn't set right.

[20:32] She goes to her car and the window's been smacked.

[20:33] She's microwaving a takeout container of coffee.

Dan McCoy

[20:37] I don't know why her takeout container of coffee is not hot.

[20:39] Well, no.

[20:40] She's very cheap, and so she just reuses the takeout container.

[20:43] I see.

[20:43] She's too impatient, so she stops the microwave.

Elliott Kalan

[20:46] Hey, I never realized, later on, that character...

[20:47] Well, this is a character who...

[20:49] And this movie is so mean to this character.

[20:51] She is, like, a humanist atheist.

[20:53] She has a bumper sticker that says, like, I heart evolution or something.

[20:56] And God is just constantly shitting on her.

[21:00] Yeah.

[21:00] And it's like, I can understand if the movie was like, hey, you have all these great things

[21:04] in your life, and you don't recognize that they come from God.

[21:07] And she was like, oh, wait a minute.

[21:09] You know what?

[21:10] That makes sense.

[21:10] But instead, the movie is like, God is just kind of, like, flicking her in the face constantly,

[21:14] and then he gives her cancer.

[21:16] Well, it may come from reusing a microwave to take out coffee.

Stuart Wellington

[21:19] Which explains oversleeping and being kind of messy all the time, right?

[21:22] And her car being broken into.

[21:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:23] Because thieves can sense frailty.

[21:25] Yeah, they can smell weakness on her.

[21:27] It's messiness.

[21:28] But, like, you really wonder why this...

[21:30] Like, what is this woman doing that in this universe...

[21:33] I guess later, free will comes up.

[21:36] Maybe she's the example of someone who finally chooses God after bad stuff happens to her.

[21:42] She's a regular Job story.

[21:43] But she goes out to dinner.

[21:44] She's a regular She-Job.

[21:45] She goes out to dinner with the...

[21:47] The savage She-Job.

[21:48] You see what happened was...

[21:49] She's a lawyer by day and a She-Job by night.

[21:52] Lawyer Jessica Walters got her...

[21:54] Jessica Walters from Arrested Development?

[21:56] You got it.

[21:57] She got a blood transfusion from her cousin Job, transforming her into She-Job.

[22:02] That was a mistake.

[22:03] Now, when she gets mad, she has the power to lose everything she has and be covered in boils.

[22:07] That's a terrible, terrible superhero.

[22:10] Hey, but at least free will is intact.

Stuart Wellington

[22:12] Am I right?

[22:12] Maybe she got a blood transfusion out of the deal.

Elliott Kalan

[22:14] You have free blood.

[22:17] Keep it coming.

Dan McCoy

[22:18] She goes out to dinner with...

Elliott Kalan

[22:20] The She-Hulk is really Jennifer Walters.

Dan McCoy

[22:21] Oh, okay.

[22:22] Yeah.

[22:22] She goes out to dinner with Gene Cain.

[22:25] Gene Cain.

[22:26] She goes out to dinner with Gene Cain.

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] It's the ladies' name.

[22:29] The Phoenix.

[22:29] She-Job and Gene Cain are out on the town.

[22:32] Two super superheroines.

[22:34] There's a bank robbery.

[22:35] Gene Cain uses her telepathic and telekinetic powers to stop it, while She-Job rides in pain.

[22:41] As the adversary makes an unfair deal with God to test her faith.

Dan McCoy

[22:45] No, but she goes out to dinner with Gene Cain.

Elliott Kalan

[22:47] Face front, front true believers.

[22:49] It's me, Stan Lee, with the newest mighty Marvel sensation, She-Job.

[22:54] We know you love the incredible Job, but it's the 70s.

[22:58] Time to give women a shot at the brass ring.

Dan McCoy

[23:00] But you're talking about how she suffers so much.

[23:03] Dean Cain comes in and is like, oh, I got a promotion at work.

[23:06] I'm going to make partner.

[23:07] And she's like, I think I've got cancer.

[23:09] And he goes, we talked about this.

[23:14] You knew what this was.

[23:16] Come on.

[23:17] He's like, can't this wait until tomorrow?

[23:18] Yeah.

[23:19] And this is the first point at which Stuart got up, rubbed his eyes, and started pacing

[23:23] around the room.

Elliott Kalan

[23:24] We had a really tough time watching this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[23:26] It's so comical, like the villains are so comically bad, and ugh.

Elliott Kalan

[23:31] They are one step away from twirling a mustache.

[23:34] Exactly.

[23:35] We're not even done with the subplots, because in addition, there's another comically evil

[23:39] villain in the subplot of the Muslim girl.

[23:41] Oh, yeah.

[23:42] Who's secretly flirting with Christianity, but her very religious father does not.

Stuart Wellington

[23:45] She's listening to the audiobook of the Bible.

Elliott Kalan

[23:47] She's literally listening to Corinthians on her iPod.

Stuart Wellington

[23:50] So she's punished for being lazy, of course, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:53] I'm the Santa Sloth.

[23:55] God said for you to read that word.

Dan McCoy

[23:59] If God had meant you to listen to it, he would have invented iPods much earlier.

Elliott Kalan

[24:05] Here's the thing.

[24:06] The first time we see them, she is in a car with...

[24:10] Well, the first time we see her, she's getting out of a car that her dad drives her to school,

[24:14] and then she works in the cafeteria without her...

[24:16] And she's fixing her burqa, right?

[24:18] It's more of a hijab.

[24:19] Okay.

[24:19] But she's working without her job, and here's Josh talking with his girlfriend, who does

[24:24] not approve of Josh's religiosity, because she sees him one day becoming a high-powered

[24:28] lawyer.

[24:28] She thinks it's religulous.

[24:31] Yeah, to quote Bill Maher.

[24:32] See, I wonder if...

[24:33] Is there supposed to be some idea that if Josh goes down the path of a law degree instead

[24:39] of Christ, he will become Dean Cain?

[24:42] Like, is that...

[24:43] Is this like a Don Draper becoming Roger Sterling while Pete Campbell becomes Don Draper?

Stuart Wellington

[24:47] I mean, I don't think there's ever a point where he, like...

[24:49] I don't think he changes his mind.

[24:51] I think he's still planning to get a law degree.

Elliott Kalan

[24:53] Okay.

[24:54] But he'll just be in, like, God Court.

Stuart Wellington

[24:55] Yeah, I'm...

[24:57] Yeah, I mean, that's a good world, dude.

[24:58] Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] Starring Pope Harry Anderson.

[25:04] Now, what if...

[25:05] What if...

[25:06] What if it was called Night Papal Court, and it was, like, the Pope booking prostitutes?

[25:11] And, like, purse thieves?

[25:13] Yeah.

[25:14] And, of course, John Larry Kett was, like, the horny bishop.

Dan McCoy

[25:17] He's like...

[25:18] Yeah.

[25:19] All his sentences are, like, venal sin or mortal sin.

[25:21] That's all it comes down to.

Elliott Kalan

[25:22] And, of course, the bailiff, Papal Bull.

[25:26] And he would be terrifying.

[25:28] Yeah.

[25:29] Because he's half bull, half pope.

[25:32] That's my new character, Papal Bull.

[25:34] He's a Batman villain.

[25:35] Anyway, so, the...

Stuart Wellington

[25:37] He lives in a labyrinth with David Bowie.

Elliott Kalan

[25:43] Bowie.

[25:46] Take a Bowie.

[25:48] It's a Madonna song.

[25:49] Anyway, so, the...

[25:51] What's up, La...

[25:52] Oh, yeah, so, she...

[25:53] There's a scene where...

Stuart Wellington

[25:54] So, she fixes her head wrap.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] Anyway, she looks...

[25:56] She puts it on at one point, and another girl shows...

[25:59] She looks at Josh once while he talks about faith.

[26:00] So, of course, she's in love with him now.

[26:01] She fixes her head wrap, and a girl tells her,

[26:03] You're so beautiful.

[26:05] You shouldn't have to wear that.

[26:06] Then she gets into a car with her father,

[26:08] and there's a scene with her father where her father's like,

[26:10] I know it's hard being part of their world, but also being apart from it.

[26:14] But I hope you understand that we have our faith, and I love you, and that's why I want you to stay faithful.

[26:21] And it was a moment where I was like, oh, I'm surprised this overtly Christian movie is like, seems to have a sympathetic moment for a Muslim character.

[26:28] Maybe they're just saying belief in any god is better than unbelief.

Stuart Wellington

[26:33] Spoken by a character who's played by an actor who has only four credits listed as terrorist.

Elliott Kalan

[26:39] Yeah.

[26:40] So, I was thinking, you know what, maybe I'll give this movie more of a minute of the doubt.

[26:43] Of course, I stopped that when later he discovers she's listening to the Bible on her iPod and punches her.

[26:48] And throws her out of the house.

[26:49] It's like, oh, no, wait, nope, Islam bad.

[26:52] I get the idea.

[26:53] Okay.

[26:53] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[26:54] He stands up for his faith, I guess, and loses a daughter for it.

[27:00] Yeah, it's just like Fiddler on the Roof, except with punching.

Dan McCoy

[27:03] To return to the main thrust of the story.

Elliott Kalan

[27:05] Were there any subplots that I missed?

Dan McCoy

[27:08] You talked about Alzheimer's mom, right?

[27:10] Yeah, Alzheimer's mom.

[27:11] I think that was all of them.

[27:12] She was bitten by a radioactive Alzheimer's.

[27:15] I think that's it.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] So, Josh is continuing his debate with Kevin Sorbo.

[27:20] It seems to be mainly about them throwing quotes at each other from like Stephen Hawking.

[27:24] And PowerPoint presentations.

[27:26] And some of these are pretty professionally animated, these PowerPoint presentations.

[27:31] And I have to say, they spent...

Stuart Wellington

[27:32] Yeah, I mean, I think you should be going for like a computer design degree or something.

[27:37] Yeah, he's much better at that.

[27:38] Like a web designer or something?

Elliott Kalan

[27:40] Or some kind of...

[27:41] Maybe he could go get a job at Pixar or something.

Stuart Wellington

[27:43] I mean, I don't know computers that well.

[27:45] That could be something that just comes with basic windows now.

Elliott Kalan

[27:48] A PowerPoint animation of evolution as the Big Bang?

Stuart Wellington

[27:51] Yeah, with Charles Darwin and floating clouds behind his head.

Dan McCoy

[27:55] Yeah.

[27:55] And it says, Bazinga.

[27:57] Why?

[27:58] That's what happens when the Big Bang happens.

Elliott Kalan

[28:00] Oh, the Big Bang.

[28:01] Someone yells it.

Dan McCoy

[28:02] Yeah, I hate it so much.

Elliott Kalan

[28:03] Anyway, that's my least favorite catchphrase of all time.

[28:07] It's the Kokomo of catchphrases.

[28:09] Yeah.

[28:10] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[28:10] There's a series of three debates.

[28:12] There's a series of...

[28:12] Where Kevin Sorbo is revealed as a pretty stupid college professor.

Elliott Kalan

[28:17] They're all pretty...

[28:17] Each debate is basically this.

[28:19] Kevin Sorbo goes...

Stuart Wellington

[28:19] Because he had seemed so professional before.

Elliott Kalan

[28:21] When he said, just sign God is dead on a piece of paper.

[28:27] But each debate basically goes like this.

[28:29] Josh goes...

[28:29] Make your check out too.

Dan McCoy

[28:30] God is dead.

[28:32] Care of Kevin Sorbo for a million dollars.

[28:34] Nope, nope, nope.

Stuart Wellington

[28:35] You spelled it swordbo.

[28:37] That's not how it's spelled.

[28:38] That's actually not my name.

Elliott Kalan

[28:39] Oh, I see the problem here.

[28:40] You wrote Kevin Sorbone.

[28:42] I don't...

[28:42] My bone is actually not sore at all.

[28:44] Sure.

[28:46] Funny joke, though.

[28:47] Excellent stuff.

[28:48] Write me a real check, please.

Stuart Wellington

[28:50] Mr. Newman, Mr. Alfred E. Newman.

[28:52] You can leave now.

Elliott Kalan

[28:53] Now, here's what happens...

[28:55] Mr. Sylvester from Cracked.

[28:57] How did he get into college?

[29:00] He's a janitor.

[29:01] Is he just taking that class?

[29:03] Two words.

[29:04] Will Hunting.

[29:05] A genius janitor just like Sylvester.

[29:14] What if...

[29:15] What if...

Elliott Kalan

[29:15] Go on.

[29:17] Good Will Hunting was just about Sylvester, and he's like...

[29:20] He's like...

[29:22] They're like...

[29:24] He...

[29:24] They have that equation on the board, and he walks in, and instead of solving it, he just

[29:28] writes like, yeah!

[29:29] Big letters on the board.

[29:32] And they go, don't you mean bleh?

[29:34] That's a mad thing.

[29:36] This is cracked.

Dan McCoy

[29:37] Yeah.

[29:38] Alfred E. Newman is his therapist.

[29:40] Yep.

[29:42] Anyway.

[29:42] Well, we're talking about a movie.

[29:44] Did we watch the movie tonight?

Elliott Kalan

[29:45] He makes Sylvester cry, because instead of saying, it's not your fault, he keeps going,

[29:49] what me worry?

[29:50] What me worry?

[29:53] And he cries on his shoulder.

[29:56] I think here's the movie.

[29:58] They finally have the mad, cracked crossover that we need.

Stuart Wellington

[30:02] That scene is undercut by Alfred E. Newman's creepy smile when he's holding it.

Elliott Kalan

[30:08] And the fact that his face is on Gizmo from Gremlins for some reason.

[30:16] Because I guess that's what they were parodying in the issue?

[30:19] Anyway, so here's how each debate goes in this class.

[30:23] Josh goes, hey, we have a universe.

[30:26] Who created it?

[30:27] God did.

[30:28] Kevin Sorbo goes, well, but Stephen Hawking said the universe created itself.

[30:31] And Josh is like, I'm stumped.

[30:33] Next week.

[30:35] Hey, I found another quote that says Stephen Hawking's wrong.

[30:38] Really?

[30:39] You doubt Stephen Hawking?

[30:40] Then who created the universe?

[30:42] God did.

[30:42] I disagree.

[30:43] That is the level they're on the entire time.

[30:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:47] They're not titans of debate.

Elliott Kalan

[30:49] This is not exactly the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

[30:53] It's not even like...

Stuart Wellington

[30:54] As the debates wear on, the professor becomes a little bit disturbed.

[30:59] He starts pacing around in the background.

[31:00] Yeah.

[31:01] He starts cornering the kid outside the thing and like grabbing him by the...

Dan McCoy

[31:05] And threatening him in the elevator.

[31:05] Corner that kid.

Elliott Kalan

[31:06] He takes out a little too much tension by belittling his girlfriend in front of all his colleagues

[31:12] at a dinner party and she breaks up with him.

[31:15] But there's like...

[31:17] Here's the argument of the movie.

[31:18] Science can't explain everything in the universe, or at least it hasn't yet.

[31:22] So therefore, Jesus must be the Lord.

[31:25] And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[31:26] Like there's a lot of steps in between there that you're not really getting.

Dan McCoy

[31:30] And let's make it clear.

[31:33] As podcast hosts, we're not necessarily a religious people.

[31:38] We've got...

[31:38] Not at all.

[31:39] ...our different religious traditions, certainly.

[31:41] But we're not denying...

Elliott Kalan

[31:42] You're a Christian, I'm Jewish, and Stuart, of course, worships Krom.

[31:45] Yep.

[31:46] He's a juggalo Krom.

Dan McCoy

[31:47] It's well established.

[31:49] But he's a juggalo Krom old gods worshiper.

[31:54] But...

[31:55] Yeah, I was just sitting here with a little bit of Howard the Duck thrown in.

Elliott Kalan

[32:00] Really?

[32:00] I mean, that doesn't make any sense.

Stuart Wellington

[32:01] Well, that's how I center myself, by practicing the art of quack-foo.

[32:05] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[32:05] But Howard the Duck is literally lost in a world he never made.

[32:08] If he didn't make the world, certainly only God did.

Dan McCoy

[32:10] But here's the thing.

[32:11] But our argument is not necessarily with religion in particular.

[32:16] It's the shitty arguments that are being made in this film.

Elliott Kalan

[32:19] But also, the whole idea of...

[32:20] He should say...

[32:21] The argument in this movie should be...

Stuart Wellington

[32:22] It's because it's barely a movie, I think.

[32:24] It's why we're unhappy.

[32:24] It is also barely a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[32:25] It's like a pamphlet that is being acted.

Stuart Wellington

[32:27] With, like, Duck Dynasty guys and...

[32:30] What?

[32:31] The Newsboys?

[32:31] DC Talk?

[32:32] Which one was in this one?

[32:33] Newsboys.

[32:33] Striper?

[32:34] Which one?

Elliott Kalan

[32:35] The...

[32:38] His argument should be...

[32:39] He says, why don't you prove God exists?

[32:41] And he should say, I can't, but I don't have to.

[32:44] Because it's about faith and the ineffable.

[32:46] And the whole concept is that there are certain things in the universe

[32:49] that you can feel but not prove...

[32:53] Scientifically.

[32:54] They don't have a factual basis.

[32:56] They have something deeper inside you that's metaphysical, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[32:59] Like, you can make that case in a movie and I'd say, like,

[33:03] I can totally understand that.

[33:04] And I would like to live in a universe where there are things that

[33:07] cold, hard science can't totally explain

[33:09] and that leaves a spark of the divine somewhere.

[33:13] But if he takes on the case of I'm going to prove God exists

[33:16] and his proof is just that Stephen Hawking was wrong

[33:18] when Stephen Hawking said a dumb thing,

[33:20] like, you know, I got to say nobody wins this round.

Dan McCoy

[33:23] Well, but also, I mean, like, I think that part of the problem, too,

[33:25] is that the movie sets up such a straw man

[33:30] in the case of Kevin Sorbo.

Elliott Kalan

[33:32] I haven't seen a straw man like that since Return to Oz.

[33:35] Okay.

[33:36] Was the Scarecrow in that?

[33:37] Maybe a million of TikTok and Clockwork Man.

[33:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[33:40] All I remember is Prusa Balk getting a lot of shock therapy.

[33:44] Yeah.

[33:45] By watching the movie Shock Therapy.

[33:47] Yeah.

[33:49] With what's-her-face from Suspiria.

[33:53] Anyway, moving on.

[33:54] Vanessa Redgrave.

[33:55] Yeah.

[33:56] So anyway, at the end of the movie,

[33:59] it's basically revealed that Kevin Sorbo is mad at God because...

[34:04] Because his mother passed away when he was a kid.

[34:05] His mother passed away from cancer,

[34:07] and he tried to deal with God, and God did not rescue his mom.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] Yeah, and this is dramatically revealed in front of the class.

[34:13] He goes, yes, I hate God.

[34:15] I hate God.

[34:16] And he goes, how can you hate someone who doesn't exist?

[34:20] Ooh.

[34:20] Roasted.

[34:21] But I fucking hate Gambit, and he doesn't exist.

[34:24] Yeah.

[34:24] Like, my hatred of Gambit doesn't prove that Gambit is real.

[34:27] But also, like...

[34:28] I don't like Phantom X, another X-Men character who's basically French Gambit,

[34:32] which is stupid because Gambit's already Cajun.

[34:34] But anyway, it doesn't mean they exist.

Dan McCoy

[34:36] But him losing the case also was totally based on any number of, like,

[34:41] shitty courtroom dramas where someone just needles into someone into being angry,

[34:45] and then they admit something on the stand.

[34:47] I mean, like, the most clear antecedent was, like, a few good men.

[34:53] Like, you can't handle the truth.

[34:54] But, like, it goes back to the beginning of courtroom dramas.

Elliott Kalan

[34:57] I mean, 12 Angry Men kind of has that every episode of, like, Ironsides or Perry Mason.

[35:03] So, but that was...

[35:05] And a little thing called Hamlet, Dan.

[35:07] Mm-hmm.

[35:08] I think Columbo does it.

[35:11] Yeah.

[35:11] Christopher Columbo.

[35:14] The cross-eyed detective who discovered America.

[35:17] Yeah.

[35:18] Just one more thing, Queen Isabella.

[35:20] I...

[35:21] If this is a route to the Indies, how come I...

[35:25] How come these guys aren't Indian, but, in fact, Native American?

[35:27] I...

[35:27] Oh, no, that makes a lot of sense.

[35:29] That makes a lot of sense.

Dan McCoy

[35:29] Uh, it's obviously, uh, Mr. Columbo.

[35:32] Um, the point is that, uh, Spice is, uh...

[35:36] Oh, I can't...

Elliott Kalan

[35:37] Oh, Christopher Columbo!

[35:38] I admit it.

[35:39] Uh, one more thing.

[35:40] One more thing.

[35:40] Uh, King Furnan and...

Dan McCoy

[35:41] If the world is flat, how come my boat didn't fall off it?

Elliott Kalan

[35:46] Uh, well, maybe you went underneath the world.

[35:50] Just one more thing.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] Surely a flat surface has two sides, and you could travel on either.

Elliott Kalan

[35:59] Uh, anyway, so, yeah, he gets Kevin Sorbo mad, which proves that God exists.

[36:03] Yep.

[36:03] The movie should be over, right?

[36:05] Yep.

[36:05] Well, it's not.

Stuart Wellington

[36:06] What's gonna happen?

[36:07] Oh, we still have to have a big concert.

Dan McCoy

[36:09] We gotta have, like, the intersection of all things, like you do in any fucking crash movie.

Elliott Kalan

[36:13] Oh, there was a subplot we forgot, which is the pastor, the reverend...

Dan McCoy

[36:17] Oh, my God, how did we forget the longest thing ever?

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] Who is hosting an African missionary, and they're gonna go to Disneyland, and their car keeps

[36:25] breaking down.

[36:26] Yeah, they spend the whole movie in traffic.

[36:27] They spend the whole movie...

[36:28] They're not even getting into traffic.

[36:29] They just spend the whole movie going from one car to another as the batteries won't

[36:33] start.

[36:33] Yeah.

[36:34] But it turns out it was all an act of God, because if they had made it on their vacation,

[36:39] who would be there to help Kevin Sorbo find Christ when he is hit by a car in a rainstorm

[36:45] and on the verge of death?

Stuart Wellington

[36:47] As he's hustling to make it to that Newsboys concert.

[36:51] Newsboys concert.

Elliott Kalan

[36:51] That every other character's at.

[36:53] Also, when Kevin Sorbo broke down, all the students in class got up and said, God is not dead.

[36:59] And, like, literally all of them.

[37:01] Which means that this class is just looking...

[37:03] They're just gonna go with whoever's on top at the moment.

Stuart Wellington

[37:04] Do you think the tour manager for the Newsboys was like, holy shit, dude, I just heard this

[37:09] story about this entire class deciding to be Christian all of a sudden.

[37:13] We need to book a show there tonight.

Elliott Kalan

[37:14] Tonight.

[37:15] Let's make this happen.

Stuart Wellington

[37:17] Because they even address the entire college.

[37:19] Like, is that a Christian school?

[37:21] What's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[37:22] There's a video from the Duck Dynasty guy talking about this professor, and he asks everybody

[37:27] in the audience to text, God is not dead, to everyone in their phones.

[37:31] And one of those people is the dead Kevin Sorbo, which, again, feels like God is just pissing

[37:36] on the corpse at that point.

[37:37] It was an insult to injury at that point.

[37:38] I mean, it was raining.

[37:39] The only thing, the way it could have been more in your face is if it said, like, God is

[37:44] not dead, booyah.

[37:45] Like, that was God just wagging his dick in the face of a man he just killed with a car.

Dan McCoy

[37:52] Yeah, can you smell what the God is cooking?

Stuart Wellington

[37:54] I'm dead.

[37:55] Then that makes two of us lightning bolts.

[37:57] We have one movie villain dead, then, and one, I'm guessing, going to die, the Cancer Girl.

Elliott Kalan

[38:03] No, the Cancer Girl has discovered faith now.

[38:05] She prays with the Newsboys.

Stuart Wellington

[38:06] So the Newsboys suck the cancer out of her like they're sin eaters or something?

Elliott Kalan

[38:10] Like the Green Mile, yeah.

[38:12] She'd spell it as a legion of locust demons.

Dan McCoy

[38:15] I also want to bring up another thing that happens at the end of this movie, which is

[38:23] Dean Cain goes to visit his Alzheimer's mom, and Alzheimer's mom, out of nowhere, was like...

[38:31] Mom-timers.

[38:32] Yeah.

[38:32] She's like, out of nowhere, she goes, sometimes the devil creates a jail that's like a gilded

[38:39] cage where everything is too comfortable and you would never leave.

[38:42] And he's like, yeah, I know, mom, I saw Ibsen's The Dollhouse.

[38:45] Yeah.

[38:46] But, which was, my problem with this was like, she actually phrases it in a much better way

[38:53] than I've reiterated here.

[38:54] Like, it was actually a way that like...

[38:55] Yeah, who really has Alzheimer's, Dan?

[38:57] Probably me.

[38:58] But it was in a way that like genuinely kind of was well written and I might find moving

[39:04] as a piece of sort of, not philosophy, but like a theological argument that...

[39:10] Something you might read in an essay.

[39:11] Except for the fact that this movie has put it into the mouth of this woman with dementia

[39:20] in a rare moment of clarity.

[39:22] Like, we're supposed to be like, oh, it's a miracle that this fictional character had this

[39:27] clear moment where she speaks God's truth.

[39:30] I'm like, no, it's not a miracle.

[39:31] You wrote it that way.

[39:33] Like, you can't just be like, wow, it's pretty crazy that this crazy lady said this awesome

[39:38] thing when you're like, no, you made it up.

[39:41] It's all made up.

[39:42] It's all made up, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[39:43] I got this great exposition, but I can't fit it into this movie.

[39:46] Oh, wait, let me invent this Alzheimer's mom.

Elliott Kalan

[39:51] Yeah, it's...

[39:52] It's all offensive.

[39:53] It's not, but it's never...

[39:54] A movie has to achieve such a high bar to write a character doing something and then expect

[40:01] you to take it as, like, yeah, a meaningful...

Stuart Wellington

[40:04] Take it as God's wisdom that has been received somehow.

[40:07] Yeah.

[40:08] I mean, it's...

[40:09] Once again, I mean, it's not...

[40:11] Like, the sentiment itself is not terrible.

[40:12] It's just delivered terribly.

[40:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] Yeah.

[40:15] It's a poor medium for that message.

[40:18] Or poor vessel for it.

Dan McCoy

[40:20] So, I mean, I think we've pretty much gone through the story.

Elliott Kalan

[40:23] Oh, but everyone's happy at the end because God's around.

[40:26] Yeah, and the newsboys sing a lot.

[40:27] We hear, like, 10, 11, 2,500 newsboys songs.

[40:31] I don't think that...

[40:31] I think you might.

[40:32] Every time you think the movie's over, they start singing another song.

[40:35] It's almost like the newsboys thought they were making a concert film and nobody told them.

[40:40] Or maybe they made a newsboys concert film and they were like, the newsboys are not very good.

[40:44] We better pad this thing out with some crazy story about college professors and bad boyfriends.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] Yeah.

[40:51] Bad boyfriend the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[40:54] Let's market that right next to Bad Dad Soccer Day.

Dan McCoy

[40:58] We've run very long.

[41:00] Let's move on to Final Judgment.

[41:02] Much like the movie.

[41:02] Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like?

[41:05] I'm going to start off.

[41:07] I want to say that this is a good bad movie because it's so ridiculously bad.

[41:14] But it's too boring for that.

[41:16] I'm going to say it's a bad bad movie.

[41:18] What do you guys think?

Elliott Kalan

[41:19] I'm going to say that also.

[41:20] I mean, the thing is, for one of these types of movies, it's pretty professionally made.

[41:24] Yeah.

[41:24] It doesn't look bad.

[41:26] The sound doesn't sound crappy.

[41:28] The music is great.

[41:29] The music is terrible.

[41:30] But the music is terrible just because it's cliche movie music.

Stuart Wellington

[41:33] It's so suspicious when Kevin Sorbo is waiting in the shadows.

Elliott Kalan

[41:37] But then there are all these scenes where it's like hiding from God's light.

[41:40] Boing.

[41:41] But there's all, like, the story is dumb and the writing is bad.

[41:45] And just the fact that there are, like, a bunch of multicultural characters who are brought in basically just to have them submit to white American Christian will is kind of gross.

[41:57] I mean, Kevin Sorbo gives it.

[41:59] It's all.

Stuart Wellington

[41:59] But the hero's probably going to end up with that Middle Eastern girl, and she's better looking than his other girlfriend.

Elliott Kalan

[42:06] That's true.

[42:06] No, look, faith in God allowed him to trade up, certainly.

[42:10] And she just has to deal with the fact that she now is exiled from her family.

Stuart Wellington

[42:15] So, yeah, she has nothing now.

[42:17] We're all agreeing.

[42:18] Except for a sweet boyfriend.

[42:19] Bad bad.

[42:20] So, I'm going to say bad bad.

[42:21] All right.

[42:23] Don't put words in my mouth, Dan.

[42:25] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[42:26] I'm going to say this movie was strong bad.

[42:28] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[42:29] So, let's move on.

[42:31] But before we get on to letters.

[42:32] Great transition.

Elliott Kalan

[42:34] There's a...

[42:35] Master...

[42:35] That was almost as good as your last transition.

[42:38] Hey, here's the thing.

[42:40] Hey, guys, did you hear what they're talking about down the street?

Dan McCoy

[42:42] I think that was one of Milton Berle's favorite transition.

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] Molten Berle?

[42:47] Like the hot, melting Milton Berle?

[42:50] He's a mag man.

Dan McCoy

[42:52] He had a giant magma cock.

[42:54] That's what I know about him.

Elliott Kalan

[42:55] Yeah, that's all we know is that...

Dan McCoy

[42:56] That's a classy dessert.

[42:58] Yeah, Uncle Malti, they used to call him.

Elliott Kalan

[43:01] He sold a lot of TVs because he was so hot he would melt them.

[43:04] People would have to get a new one.

Dan McCoy

[43:06] Molten Berle.

[43:07] Before we move on.

Elliott Kalan

[43:08] He lit his own cigars with the heat of his mouth.

Dan McCoy

[43:13] Before we move on, a couple pieces of business.

Elliott Kalan

[43:16] He was one of the great joke stealers because he would throw lava at you if you complained.

Stuart Wellington

[43:20] All right.

[43:20] Sounds like a rival space gangster who battled Pizza the Hood.

[43:24] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] First off, an announcement.

[43:27] I know how to deal with hecklers.

[43:28] I just burst them into flames.

[43:30] All right.

Dan McCoy

[43:31] When you complain about how late you're getting back to your newborn child, just remember the time you wasted.

[43:37] Hey, just remember you should say words correctly the first time.

[43:39] All right.

[43:40] So anyway.

[43:40] Molten Berle.

[43:41] Before we...

Elliott Kalan

[43:42] Oh, what would you like for dessert?

[43:43] Oh, I'll have the Molten Berle, please.

Stuart Wellington

[43:45] That's going to take 30 minutes, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] I'll wait.

[43:48] And then it arrives the Sarley Molten.

[43:51] You just gave me someone else's who decided they didn't want theirs.

Dan McCoy

[43:55] So, first off...

[43:58] First off, Waltz.

[43:59] Two-time Academy Award winning guy.

[44:01] Big announcement.

[44:03] We're having another Flophouse Live event with our pals over at I Love Bad Movies.

[44:08] We're screening the Lindsay Lohan thriller, lurid thriller, I Know Who Killed Me.

[44:14] Chiller.

[44:15] On Saturday, October 18th.

[44:18] Do-do-do-do-do.

[44:19] Now, what date is that?

[44:21] Saturday, October 18th.

[44:22] October 18th.

[44:23] The show starts at 8, but you should get there about half an hour early to find your seat, order food, and watch the pre-show.

Elliott Kalan

[44:30] It's at the Yonkers Alamo Drafthouse where you can get food.

[44:32] I recommend the Molten Chocolate Chip Cookies made with real berl.

Dan McCoy

[44:38] That's at 2548 Central Park Avenue, Yonkers, New York.

[44:43] But this information is all at our website, flophousepodcast.com.

[44:48] You should be there.

Stuart Wellington

[44:49] It's too bad that you have to pay for an entire seat when you're only going to need The Edge.

Elliott Kalan

[44:54] But the payment...

[44:55] You're only going to need U2's The Edge to sit on.

Dan McCoy

[44:58] It's $12 for the show, which features a...

[45:01] Whoa, whoa.

Elliott Kalan

[45:02] $12.

[45:03] You'd pay that just to see a movie without commentary by your favorite podcast host.

Stuart Wellington

[45:06] You'd pay $12 just to spend five moments basking in Dan McCoy's Facelight.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Thank you.

[45:12] Facelight.

Dan McCoy

[45:13] But you get, in addition to watching the Lindsay Lohan new classic, new bad movie classic, I Know Who Killed Me, a slideshow presentation by I Love Bad Movies and running commentary by us, the hosts of The Flophouse.

[45:30] We will not shut up the whole time.

[45:32] And a special guest for Flophouse fans.

[45:36] Stuart knows what I'm talking about.

Stuart Wellington

[45:38] I think I do.

[45:39] Wow, you made that into a threat.

Elliott Kalan

[45:41] Are we allowed to say who the special guest is?

Stuart Wellington

[45:43] We'll talk about it next time.

Elliott Kalan

[45:45] People are going to think it's like Lindsay Lohan.

[45:46] Whoa, that'd be great.

[45:47] It's not, though.

[45:48] So, look.

[45:49] This is the last Flophouse live performance of the year, I think, probably, right?

[45:52] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[45:53] I mean, we're not going to do another one before January 1st.

Elliott Kalan

[45:55] October 18th.

[45:56] We'll do another one probably in January.

Dan McCoy

[45:57] Way to take the podcast, guys.

[45:59] Way to take the podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[46:01] But it's going to be great.

[46:02] I Know Who Killed Me, if you haven't seen it, is hilariously stupid.

Stuart Wellington

[46:05] And it'll be great, because that was the first episode you were ever on, I think.

[46:09] It'll be Flophouse coming home.

[46:10] It's a homecoming.

Elliott Kalan

[46:11] That's right.

[46:12] Perhaps I'll share a few Flop memories with the audience.

Dan McCoy

[46:16] That's adorable.

[46:17] But, again.

[46:18] Adorkable.

[46:19] Before moving on to letters, one more piece of business.

[46:22] What's that?

Elliott Kalan

[46:22] I'm going to announce.

[46:23] Pizza business?

Dan McCoy

[46:24] Yeah, another pizza business.

[46:27] It's called Leonardo.

[46:28] It's called Dan and O's Pizza.

[46:30] From the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[46:32] Would like a pizza delivered to me.

Elliott Kalan

[46:35] So if you're listening to this, throw a pizza through a time portal so you can go back to when we were recording this.

Dan McCoy

[46:41] You've probably seen Turtles in Time.

[46:43] Whatever they use to get back in time, I don't remember.

[46:45] Get that Japanese magic thingy that they use.

[46:47] Send me some Canadian bacon and some ooze on a pizza.

[46:50] So you can, what, make a Canadian bacon mutant?

[46:53] Yeah.

[46:53] No, what I wanted to say.

[46:56] Is that Bebop Rocksteady?

[46:58] New contest.

[46:59] New contest, guys.

[47:01] Okay.

[47:01] Nude contest.

[47:02] Nude contest.

[47:03] Be naked.

[47:05] As much as I would like to announce a nude contest, I feel like it would be frowned upon.

Elliott Kalan

[47:11] I feel like we'll eventually get to a point where you're like, our new contest is, send me a picture of your boobs.

Dan McCoy

[47:15] I mean, if you want to, sure.

[47:17] But that's not the contest.

[47:19] The contest is Song of the Autumn.

[47:22] We all remember last year.

[47:24] Oh, do we ever, yeah.

[47:25] That the Song of the Autumn was He's the House Cat, parentheses, Arthur's theme.

[47:29] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[47:30] Yep.

[47:30] But we need it.

[47:31] It was on the tip of everybody's ear balls.

Dan McCoy

[47:34] It's a new autumn, and we need a new song for that autumn.

[47:38] Okay.

[47:39] So what I'm challenging you.

[47:41] A kind of autumn sonata, if you will.

[47:43] I'm challenging you all to, you have so much audio from us, the Flophouse co-host.

[47:50] You've got hours and hours of it over the last seven years.

[47:54] Take that audio.

[47:55] Take what's available to you.

[47:57] It's been seven years.

Dan McCoy

[47:57] Put it with a backing track.

[48:00] Auto-tune it.

[48:01] Don't auto-tune it.

[48:02] A fronting track.

[48:03] Loop it.

[48:04] Whatever you need to do to turn it into a song.

[48:06] Bloop it.

[48:07] Just make a song starring us, the Flophouse.

[48:12] The songs should have at least some vocals from all three of us.

[48:16] But beyond that, the sky's the limit.

[48:18] Could be any style.

[48:19] Use some guest hosts.

[48:21] Zydeco.

Dan McCoy

[48:21] Yeah.

[48:21] Gospel.

[48:22] Reggaeton.

[48:23] Gospel Zydeco.

[48:24] Gospel Zydeco.

[48:25] Or Augustico.

[48:27] But what you've got to do is once you've made your song, put it up on SoundCloud so we can embed it on our own site.

[48:36] And then send us a link at flophousepodcast.gmail.com.

[48:44] It's a long email address.

[48:45] With the subject line, Flophouse Song Contest in all caps.

[48:52] Does it really have to be in all caps?

[48:54] Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be.

[48:55] I'm not going to police that.

[48:57] It's just easier for you to read.

[48:58] It's easier for me to see that this is a contest.

Elliott Kalan

[49:01] Great.

Stuart Wellington

[49:02] I don't need to get my reading glasses.

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] Again.

[49:05] Remember to read the ancient Roman way of all capitals.

Dan McCoy

[49:07] Flophousepodcast.com.

[49:09] Flophousepodcast.gmail.com.

[49:11] Jesus Christ.

Elliott Kalan

[49:12] Twice in a row, I can't say it right.

[49:13] After the review of the movie you did today, Jesus Christ will not be helping you pronounce that name great.

[49:17] So, all right.

[49:19] Flophousepodcast.gmail.com.

[49:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:21] So, the deadline to get those songs in is October 1st.

[49:26] And we will make the songs available on our website for folks to vote on.

[49:32] Voting period being October the 2nd through October the 13th.

[49:37] This has all been tied to our release schedule.

[49:39] I've looked at our calendar.

[49:41] Good, because I don't look at calendars.

[49:42] Yeah.

[49:43] Ever since Calendar Man tried to get me.

[49:46] And then on the podcast episode dropping October 18th, the 2nd and last episode in Shocktober,

[49:54] and coincidentally the same date as our live show.

[49:56] Listen to the episode while you drive up to the live show.

[49:59] Yeah, why not?

[49:59] Be a super fan.

[50:01] We will announce the winner on that episode on October the 18th.

[50:06] And what will you get?

[50:07] Well, the winning song will be played at the end of the episode that drops on November 1st.

[50:12] And the winner will get a t-shirt and get to pick a movie that we will talk about on the show.

[50:19] Please don't make it God's Not Dead.

[50:21] No.

[50:22] I mean, that would be weird.

[50:23] That would be walking with dinosaurs.

[50:27] Don't give them the idea that they get to do the same episodes over again.

Elliott Kalan

[50:32] So that's so.

[50:33] Flophouse contest.

[50:34] Take our audio.

[50:35] Make it into a song.

[50:37] Music it up.

[50:37] You Mozarts out there.

[50:39] Yeah.

[50:39] Send it to us.

[50:40] We'll put it up on the site.

[50:41] It'll get voted on.

[50:42] And the winner of the vote decides the movie we watch and gets a shirt.

[50:47] A Flophouse shirt?

[50:48] Yeah.

[50:48] Not just like a nice polo?

[50:50] No.

Dan McCoy

[50:50] Not just like a Jack Spade shirt.

[50:53] Ideally, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:53] Not like one of those enormous Johnson t-shirts kids used to wear?

[50:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[50:58] A huge Jordan Megan shirt and a big Johnson.

[51:00] They both exist.

Elliott Kalan

[51:01] All three of them.

[51:02] There's more than one penis pun.

Dan McCoy

[51:03] But here's what I'll say.

[51:05] You'll get a co-ed naked flopping shirt.

[51:07] If you didn't get all of those rules, don't despair.

[51:11] Go to our website, flophousepodcast.com.

[51:14] I will stick all of those rules up there.

[51:16] Yeah.

[51:17] Stick them up there.

Stuart Wellington

[51:18] Ideally, I want to be some kind of like Mugs character from Cypress Hill.

[51:23] But I think...

[51:24] Who just repeats what you guys say in the background?

[51:26] And if you can make me sound like...

[51:28] And there's a hat.

[51:28] I'd like a hat.

Dan McCoy

[51:29] If you can make me sound like one of the guys from Sparks.

[51:32] Mm-hmm.

[51:33] I think it's time, however, to move on to letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[51:38] Letters.

[51:39] Oh, boy.

[51:40] Letters time, but it's also pretty late.

[51:43] So this is gonna be a pretty short letters song.

[51:46] Pretty late.

[51:47] Letters song.

[51:48] It's late letters, letters, late letters after dark.

[51:51] Letters after dark.

[51:53] Sexy letters.

[51:54] After dark.

[51:56] That was really good.

[51:58] Really laying on this Mugs character, huh?

[51:59] Yeah.

[52:00] Elliot and Mugs reading the letters with Dan.

[52:04] After dark.

[52:06] It's so late.

[52:06] After dark.

[52:08] Okay.

[52:09] Watch out for a werewolf, because that's how dark and late it is.

[52:14] Werewolf.

Dan McCoy

[52:16] All right.

[52:17] Well, show this first letter.

Elliott Kalan

[52:19] Letter the first.

[52:21] First it up.

[52:21] First course in the letter meal.

[52:24] Eat up those letters, but this one first.

[52:27] It's in a moose-bouche of letters.

[52:30] Appetizer.

[52:32] Thanks.

[52:32] Small plate.

Dan McCoy

[52:33] Okay.

[52:34] Well, this is from Kathy Lashnan with Heldon.

[52:36] She writes it.

[52:37] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] She writes, dear Flophouse.

[52:41] My boyfriend Irving won't marry me.

[52:44] Act.

[52:45] All this sweat flying off of my head.

[52:47] Chocolate.

[52:48] I have a dog.

[52:49] And that's all I know about Kathy.

Dan McCoy

[52:52] So, what she really writes is, you once read a letter about movie scenes that frightened you as children.

[52:59] It got me thinking about my own scarifying movie moments.

[53:01] And then I started thinking about scenes in movies I saw as a kid that made me deeply sad.

[53:08] Dan, I like to imagine that you two were a somewhat depressive child.

[53:13] Well, judging by your adulthood, yes.

[53:15] So, maybe you can identify with the feeling of becoming aware of this vast reservoir of sorrow and despair that existed in the world, which you didn't quite understand, but you felt, perhaps in the form of an invisible weight on your shoulders or a faint nausea in your stomach.

[53:30] For me, it was a scene in the never-ending story when Atreyu's horse dies that made me feel the first twinges of awareness that the world is a terrible, unfair, miserable place.

[53:41] Not just the world of the story, but this world.

[53:44] The world where I had to be in the room and watch this happening.

[53:47] The never-ending story is a pretty obvious choice.

[53:49] The horse just has to not give up, though, dude.

[53:52] Yeah, well, it didn't.

[53:54] It didn't not give up.

[53:55] It gave up.

[53:56] Yeah.

[53:57] The never-ending story is a pretty obvious choice, as is Old Yeller.

[54:00] What were some other scenes in movies that you guys saw as children that made you want to kill yourself, Stuart and Elliot?

[54:05] I like to imagine that you are more on the happy-go-lucky scale than Dan, but there had to be something.

[54:10] Maybe there was a scene in Castle Freak Babies that made you a little wistful, Stuart.

[54:15] Thanks for all the laughs.

[54:16] I really love you guys.

[54:17] Kathy Lasting with Hell.

[54:19] Thanks, Kathy.

[54:20] Thanks, Kathy.

[54:20] Thanks for listening.

[54:21] We love you, too.

[54:22] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[54:22] I'm going to go first.

[54:23] The saddest thing I remember watching as a kid was in the animated Return of the King movie.

[54:30] Uh-huh.

[54:30] When Gollum dies, it's the saddest thing.

[54:34] Like, I remember going into my bedroom and just, like, sitting on my bed and crying that this poor bastard had to die.

Elliott Kalan

[54:41] Oh, man.

[54:42] Mine was also animated.

[54:43] Was it the scene in Dumbo where his mother has been locked up in the jail wagon?

[54:49] And he's crying and she stings baby mine to him and curls her trunk around him.

[54:55] And he's got these big, very, like, solid tears coming out of his face as a little boy.

[55:00] Like, the saddest thing I could think of would be to be locked away from my mother, basically, or have her locked away from me.

[55:06] It's really sad.

[55:07] It affects me even today.

[55:09] But as an adult, it takes very little to make me cry at a movie.

[55:12] I think, have I told you guys my story about the Iron Giant, right?

[55:15] Uh, no.

[55:16] I mean, that animation is beautiful.

[55:18] I mean, every time I see the Iron Giant, I...

Dan McCoy

[55:19] The Iron Giant would always cry.

[55:20] It makes me cry at the end.

Elliott Kalan

[55:21] Every time I see it, I cry.

[55:23] And when I was first dating my now wife, we were showing each other movies that meant a lot to us.

[55:28] And I said, I want to show the Iron Giant.

[55:30] She's like, all right.

[55:31] And I'm like, just so you know, I'm going to warn you, I'm going to cry at this.

[55:34] And when it was over, she was like, I didn't think you were going to cry that much.

[55:37] Just, like, sheets of water falling down my face.

[55:40] I mean...

[55:41] But I was in college when Iron Giant came out.

[55:42] Yeah.

[55:43] So, like, I wasn't a kid when that came out.

Dan McCoy

[55:44] Ellie, you genuinely, like, stole the one that I was going to say.

[55:48] Like, that was literally the thing.

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] I'm sorry that...

[55:50] No, no, he's going to cry about you stealing it.

[55:53] Yeah.

[55:53] No, it's double sad.

[55:55] But when I was a kid, that was the saddest thing I think I'd ever seen.

Dan McCoy

[55:58] But no, I agree.

[55:59] I mean, I will confirm with Kathy that I was, and remain, a sort of depressed...

[56:05] You can tell your story about Dumbo.

[56:07] ...person.

Stuart Wellington

[56:08] No, no, no, it's fine.

[56:09] It's whatever.

[56:09] It's, you know, it's not important.

[56:11] Sad.

[56:11] Now, as a grown man, basically, if I see that Tom Hanks is in the movie, I'm like,

[56:16] fuck, dude.

[56:17] I might cry this one.

[56:19] Really?

[56:19] Like Larry Crown?

[56:21] Well, no, but, like, look at fucking Toy Story 3 and fucking the end of Captain Phillips.

[56:25] I couldn't help it.

Dan McCoy

[56:26] Captain Phillips, man.

[56:27] That fucking tore me up.

[56:28] It's brutal, man.

[56:28] It was rough.

[56:29] That was brutal, yeah.

[56:30] Toy Story 3?

[56:32] Yeah, Toy Story 3, yeah.

[56:33] They just hold each other's hands, man.

Elliott Kalan

[56:35] They do.

[56:35] It's crazy.

[56:36] That was the...

[56:37] I think the saddest thing about that moment in Toy Story 3 was that, like...

Stuart Wellington

[56:40] I saw that movie in the theater with Dan, and we're both, like, crying with our wives.

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] They're like, why are these guys crying?

[56:46] Seeing that and being like, I could totally see the movie ending this way, and them, like,

[56:52] being melted down and becoming new toys, but, like, it would be the saddest thing in the

[56:56] world.

[56:56] So, just them...

[56:57] Sure, it's some, like, what, like, Mobius strip where they're, like...

[57:01] Oh, yeah, yeah, they can never rest.

[57:02] Their souls are forever wandering in the form of toys.

[57:05] But, yeah, them all holding hands, like, as they go into the...

[57:08] As they're going to the flames, that was super sad.

[57:10] Yeah.

[57:10] I was crying in that, sure.

[57:12] But I wasn't, like...

[57:13] No, I was crying way harder, dude.

[57:15] But I wasn't like, Tom Hanks, you got me again.

[57:18] You son of a bitch.

[57:19] That thing you do is make me cry.

Dan McCoy

[57:21] It's easier for me to, like...

[57:23] I mean, part of it is just, like, it's been a while.

[57:25] It's easier for me to remember things as an adult that make me sad.

[57:29] Like, or things that, like, have consistently made me sad when I watch movies that I like

[57:34] over and over again.

[57:35] Like, I always tear up at the end of Raising Arizona when, like...

[57:39] Oh, sure, yeah.

[57:39] Yeah.

[57:39] And then, like, this cage has his long monologue.

[57:41] He has his monologue.

[57:42] Or, for whatever reason...

[57:44] Like, most Wes Anderson movies have a moment that, like, make me, like, tear up.

[57:48] But, like, for some reason, of all of them, the most consistent one might be actually The

[57:56] Life Aquatic, where at the end, when Bill Murray looks at the tiger shark and says, I wonder

[58:01] if he remembers me.

[58:02] Like, and that's one where it makes me sad because I just can't explain why it's affecting

[58:07] me so emotionally, but it...

[58:09] I can't explain it either.

[58:10] ...to something.

[58:11] What a stinker.

[58:12] Yeah.

[58:13] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[58:13] What do you mean?

[58:14] I like that movie.

[58:16] I'm just fucking...

Dan McCoy

[58:16] But, uh...

[58:18] Yeah.

[58:19] No, we...

[58:19] It's safe to assume that we're all, you know...

[58:22] We're all softies at heart.

[58:23] We're all...

[58:24] Yeah, we...

[58:24] Our hearts are on our sleeves.

[58:26] Since we're all grown-up man-children.

[58:27] Which is terrible.

[58:28] It's a terrible medical condition to have our hearts in.

[58:31] Yeah.

[58:32] Which is not even part of our body.

[58:33] Yeah, it's like...

[58:34] It's a super weakness, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[58:36] It means that our heart...

[58:37] If you bump into someone on the subway in the wrong way, it could kill you.

Stuart Wellington

[58:39] We're like one of those monsters in one of those games where you have a gun and you're

[58:43] shooting at them, and, uh, like, all of a sudden the game pauses and it's like, shoot

[58:46] that place, dude.

[58:48] Yeah.

[58:48] We're like...

[58:48] Like, why doesn't it have armor on it?

Dan McCoy

[58:50] Yes.

[58:51] Exactly like angels in a leash.

[58:53] Fall apart.

[58:54] Yeah.

[58:55] Uh, the next letter, though.

[58:56] Just a bunch of sleeve hearts.

[58:57] From, uh...

[58:58] Letter number two.

[59:00] Charlie Lastname with Pebble.

Elliott Kalan

[59:01] This would be the pasta course in an Italian letters segment.

Stuart Wellington

[59:04] Secundi.

[59:05] He writes...

Dan McCoy

[59:07] Stuart, don't worry.

[59:09] I've got your back.

[59:10] Good.

[59:11] First...

[59:11] Oh, you were looking for your back.

[59:12] This guy's got it.

[59:13] Mm-hmm.

[59:14] First, let me just state how weird it is that the two major controversies that have arisen

[59:18] in the long storied history of the Flophouse both revolve around Stuart's failure to accurately

[59:23] explain some factor regarding a monster's gym failure.

[59:27] This is not about Ding Dong Gate.

Elliott Kalan

[59:29] Ding Dong Gate and Wormy Boner Gate.

[59:30] Yeah.

[59:30] Crypt Keeper's Boner Gate?

Dan McCoy

[59:31] This is about the recent controversy about the Crypt Keeper's penis.

[59:35] In a recent letter, someone chided Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] I'm going to get...

[59:38] Wait.

[59:39] I think I might get whiplash from the emotional content of the last letter and this one.

Dan McCoy

[59:43] Someone chided Stuart for having two different versions of Morbid Dong.

[59:48] But I can prove that not only is Stuart right in both of his penis interpretations, but I

[59:54] can prove it within the continuity of Tales from the Trish.

Stuart Wellington

[59:56] I think we're going to need Kevin Swordbone to come in here and adjudicate this matter.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:02] That's like if the subtext of Conan the Barbarian was just brought out a little too obviously

[1:00:07] than a character's sword bone.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:10] Yep.

[1:00:10] Some beautiful wench with alabaster skin and black flowing hair.

[1:00:15] Mm-hmm.

[1:00:15] Okay.

[1:00:16] We star in the past...

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:17] I'm going to kill this wizard with my dick and then have sex with you.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:20] We star in the past, specifically during the golden age of EC Comics and the collected

[1:00:24] Taint the Meat, It's the Humanity, the collected Jack Davis.

[1:00:28] I love it.

[1:00:28] Yeah.

[1:00:29] We see about halfway through the book the secret origin of the Crypt Keeper.

[1:00:33] I'll keep it short, but an Egyptian mummy escapes from a traveling sideshow, steals the

[1:00:37] pickled corpse of an inbred zombie redneck, gets married to it, does the horizontal monster

[1:00:43] mash, and gives birth to a very much alive Crypt Keeper.

[1:00:47] Wait, so he was dead from birth?

[1:00:49] I guess.

[1:00:50] The Crypt Keeper didn't become a zombie until much later in his career.

[1:00:54] What does all this have to do with the seaman's junk?

[1:00:57] Well, pigs are associated in myth with the Egyptian god that's set.

[1:01:02] Set, who cut off his brother Osiris' penis.

[1:01:05] Osiris was the Egyptian god of the afterlife.

[1:01:07] Story checks out.

[1:01:08] I thought Anubis was the...

[1:01:09] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:09] Osiris, I guess, is king of the afterlife, and Anubis is just the judge.

[1:01:12] Whose purview included mummification.

[1:01:15] The judge in Egypt's night court, in which Harry Anubis is the, you know, book's prostitutes

[1:01:21] into the afterlife.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:23] So he's the jackal-headed god.

[1:01:24] Osiris has what?

[1:01:25] The, like, falcon?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:27] No, the falcon is Horus or Ra, right?

[1:01:30] Oh, right.

[1:01:30] Osiris, I don't remember what his animal head is.

[1:01:33] Is it like a crane?

[1:01:34] No, it's like a crane.

[1:01:35] Yeah, I think so.

[1:01:36] Okay, like a Harry crane.

[1:01:37] And what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:38] Is Sobek the alligator head?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:41] Yeah, Sobek is the alligator.

[1:01:42] And what?

[1:01:44] Who's the cat?

[1:01:45] It starts with a B, right?

[1:01:46] Bast, the house cat.

[1:01:47] Yeah.

[1:01:48] As Osiris...

[1:01:48] Or Bast, Bast.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:49] Bast.

[1:01:50] And, of course, the...

[1:01:50] Bastet are the werecats in the World of Darkness role-play game.

[1:01:55] You're welcome, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:56] Anyway.

[1:01:57] He continues,

[1:01:58] As Osiris is on pretty rough terms with the set,

[1:02:00] it makes perfect sense that he would curse the blasphemous offspring

[1:02:03] of one of his mummies by mutilating its genitals.

[1:02:07] Why?

[1:02:08] Because when the mummy and the redneck got married,

[1:02:10] it was in a Christian church,

[1:02:11] which spits in the face of the mummy's traditional Osirisan upbringing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:16] Uh, could have been a Coptic Christian.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:18] Boom.

[1:02:19] And his pigs reminded him of his traitorous brother.

[1:02:22] It would make sense he would use the pigs' own tails

[1:02:25] as an inspiration for his cruelty.

[1:02:28] So while C.K. was a living being,

[1:02:30] he had a curly penis.

[1:02:32] When he died, however,

[1:02:33] his father's zombie redneck jeans kicked in

[1:02:35] and turned his penis into a Slim Jim.

[1:02:38] One became...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:38] You know what happens when you die,

[1:02:39] your jeans kick in?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:41] One, because he's a zombie.

[1:02:42] And two, because rednecks love Slim Jims.

[1:02:46] If there's a Flophouse equivalent of a no prize,

[1:02:48] I'll gladly accept it.

[1:02:50] Charlie, last name we have.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:51] I want to award you an honorary flop prize,

[1:02:54] which is a word for people who have wasted their end our time.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:58] Excellent work doing that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:00] Yeah.

[1:03:00] What was his name, Charlie?

[1:03:01] Yeah.

[1:03:02] Thanks, Charlie, for writing in.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:03] And reminding me of that great Tales from the Crypt comic.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:06] Yeah, it's pretty good.

[1:03:08] So last letter of the evening is from...

[1:03:11] Oh, wait.

[1:03:12] Last one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:13] So would this be the main course or the dessert?

[1:03:15] Are we not getting dessert?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:16] Is this preemie?

[1:03:17] This is...

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:18] Is this a preemie?

[1:03:19] Is this our pre-theater Pikes fix?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:22] Yeah.

[1:03:22] No, I think this is Pana Cotta.

[1:03:24] You're having Pana Cotta.

[1:03:25] Oh, I don't like Pana Cotta.

[1:03:26] All right.

[1:03:27] I'm sorry.

[1:03:27] This is what you've got to have.

[1:03:28] You're not going to like this Pana Cotta even more in a second.

[1:03:31] What?

[1:03:32] Oh, man.

[1:03:32] Oh, this better not be the Pana Cotta, I think.

[1:03:34] Or is it going to be snoreshadowing?

[1:03:36] Oh, no.

[1:03:37] David.

[1:03:37] No.

[1:03:38] Last name of hell.

[1:03:39] No.

[1:03:39] Elliot's brother.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:40] Oh, God.

[1:03:41] The worst Pana Cotta.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:43] I wrote a letter into the show regarding your abduction episode.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:46] So many of his letters start with,

[1:03:48] why didn't you answer my previous letter?

[1:03:50] Where's my elephant?

[1:03:51] Where's my elephant?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:53] I wrote in about the abduction episode

[1:03:56] and the statues at PNC Park in Pittsburgh.

[1:04:00] Much of this centered around the bizarre statue

[1:04:02] of Hall of Fame slugger Ralph Kiner's hands

[1:04:05] holding a bat and nothing else.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:08] Well, you may or may not know.

[1:04:09] Even though holding a bat and nothing else is not sexy,

[1:04:13] the phrase and nothing else is burned into my mind

[1:04:15] with meaning like nudity.

[1:04:17] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:18] Just any time I read, long-time reader, first-time writer.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:22] Yeah.

[1:04:22] But you may or may not know that he passed away this February

[1:04:25] at the age of 91 after 72 years in baseball

[1:04:29] as both a player and as an announcer for several decades

[1:04:32] for my painfully beloved New York Mets.

[1:04:36] I thought you might be interested to know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:38] Nope.

[1:04:38] That Kiner was a touching eulogy on this jerk podcast about nonsense.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:43] He was quite the playboy in his day.

[1:04:46] And among the women he is known to have dated in the 1950s and 60s

[1:04:49] were actresses Elizabeth Taylor and Janet Leigh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:52] Not to mention ambassador to the UN and former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:55] I can only assume he was a more stable boyfriend for Lee than Captain Bennett Marco

[1:05:00] and the Manchurian Candidate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:02] Really getting the character and the actor mixed up there.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:05] David, last name was held.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:06] That was the whole letter.

[1:05:07] That was the whole letter.

[1:05:08] You know what?

[1:05:09] I'm willing to bet that this professional ball player, yes,

[1:05:12] was not a brainwashed veteran struggling with his memories

[1:05:16] of his comrades becoming a murderous assassin.

[1:05:20] So, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:22] But thank you all to everyone who wrote in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:25] Except for maybe the last one.

[1:05:29] He won me over with the Manchurian Candidate reference.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:32] I was going to say Manchurian Candidate restaurant.

[1:05:34] That's a great idea.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:36] Why don't you pass the time by having a little solitaire cake?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:42] I would imagine it would be like an Asian fusion restaurant, right?

[1:05:45] Asian fusion, fused with traditional American food.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:48] It would be like a Russian-Asian-styled, yet American traditional food.

[1:05:53] You know, farm-to-table, of course.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:55] Yeah, it looks like a Bob Evans and you go in and it's all Russian and Chinese food.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:59] Every table has a pot of hydrangeas on it.

[1:06:03] But the last segment.

[1:06:05] The waitress always kisses you at the end of the meal,

[1:06:09] which is weird because she's your mom.

[1:06:12] Just like in the movie.

[1:06:13] Oh, what a great movie.

[1:06:14] Dan, why don't we watch that?

[1:06:16] That's a genuinely great movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:17] Outside of our purview.

[1:06:20] Sorry.

[1:06:21] But the last segment.

[1:06:23] You might like this.

[1:06:24] If you want to talk about good movies.

[1:06:25] Okay.

[1:06:26] This is where we recommend good movies that we've seen.

[1:06:29] So this is where people turn off the...

[1:06:30] And think that other people should watch them.

[1:06:32] Okay.

[1:06:33] So, Elliot, what do you got?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:34] Queued up.

[1:06:35] Recently, I watched a movie called God's Not Dead.

[1:06:38] Okay.

[1:06:39] That really opened my eyes to the fact that, etc.

[1:06:42] Anyway, I'd like to recommend...

[1:06:43] This is...

[1:06:44] You know what?

[1:06:45] I owe Dan an apology.

[1:06:47] Because here I am about to recommend a movie I saw where?

[1:06:50] In a theater?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:51] In my own home?

[1:06:52] You guys are both going to fucking recommend plane movies again.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:55] The movie I saw on a plane...

[1:06:56] I mean, the best movie I saw on a plane...

[1:06:57] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:57] Closer to heaven, of course.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:58] The best movie I saw on a plane was the movie that Elliot's about to recommend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:01] But this is a movie I wanted to see in the theaters, and I just happened to miss it.

[1:07:04] And luckily, it was on a plane when I was...

Dan McCoy

[1:07:06] On a tiny little screen.

[1:07:07] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:08] On a tiny little screen.

[1:07:09] And I made the screen smaller because I used one of those Brazil magnifying glasses.

[1:07:14] Sure.

[1:07:14] But backwards.

[1:07:15] So instead of making a little screen big, I got a big screen made little.

[1:07:19] But the movie I watched was Jodorowsky's Dune.

[1:07:22] Oh.

[1:07:23] The documentary story of the ill-fated adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune by Alejandro Jodorowsky,

[1:07:29] long known as the craziest director that people have heard of.

[1:07:32] Mm-hmm.

[1:07:33] And they interviewed a lot of interesting people in it.

[1:07:37] They managed to talk to H.R. Geiger before he died.

[1:07:39] Oh, great.

[1:07:40] And they talk about...

[1:07:41] They have some audio recording from Dan O'Bannon, who, of course, passed away years ago.

[1:07:44] But they talk about the interesting story about how Alejandro Jodorowsky,

[1:07:49] who at that point had a number of successful art films,

[1:07:53] El Topo and the Magic Mountain and whatnot.

[1:07:55] He decided he was going to make...

[1:07:56] That was Holy Mountain.

[1:07:57] Oh, yeah.

[1:07:57] Holy Mountain.

[1:07:58] Sorry.

[1:07:59] He decided he was going to make...

[1:08:00] Roasted.

[1:08:01] Totally.

[1:08:02] Boom.

[1:08:02] Correctified.

[1:08:03] He was going to make an adaptation of the book Dune.

[1:08:06] But he wasn't just going to do a straight adaptation.

[1:08:08] He was going to make a movie which, in his words,

[1:08:10] would raise the consciousness of a generation.

[1:08:13] And he came up with all these...

[1:08:15] What an asshole.

[1:08:16] He decided...

[1:08:16] He traveled the world putting together his...

Dan McCoy

[1:08:18] But he assembled, like, the craziest, greatest, like, team of people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:20] This team of what he called his warriors,

[1:08:22] which was, like, H.R. Geiger and Dan O'Bannon and Pink Floyd and the band Magma and...

[1:08:27] Moebius.

[1:08:28] And, yeah, and Mobius, or as he always says it, Moebius.

[1:08:32] Moebius, yeah.

[1:08:33] Jean Gouraud, the French comic artist.

[1:08:36] And also this cast that was never going to be able to stick together,

[1:08:39] which was made up of David Carradine, Mick Jagger, Orson Welles, and Salvador Dali.

[1:08:44] And Alejandro Jodorowsky's own son and the part of Paul Atreides.

[1:08:48] And it's that, like, this movie sounds crazy-8 bonkers all the way through.

[1:08:53] And, of course, it was never going to happen.

[1:08:55] But the story of how they almost got it put together

[1:08:58] and the amount of passion that he put into this work is really interesting.

[1:09:04] And they show you a number of shots of this book that they had printed and bound,

[1:09:09] which is the entire script and storyboard of what this movie would be.

[1:09:13] And the movie makes it sound like there's only a couple copies in existence.

[1:09:16] They sent copies of this book to all the studios in Hollywood,

[1:09:20] and there are almost none left.

[1:09:22] And, like, I haven't wanted to see a book this badly

[1:09:26] since I first learned about the Codex Serafinianus.

[1:09:30] And since I now own the Codex Serafinianus, a copy of it,

[1:09:33] I'm going to have to try to maybe own a copy of this Dune book,

[1:09:35] if it's even possible, which it probably isn't.

[1:09:38] But it really made me think...

[1:09:39] But after that movie came out, I was kind of like,

[1:09:41] why don't we just print it?

[1:09:41] Why don't we just print up this book?

[1:09:42] Yeah, why not publish it?

[1:09:43] I mean, it's...

[1:09:44] I don't know what kind of niche market would...

[1:09:46] The book would cost, like, 400 bucks or something.

[1:09:48] But it was just, like, this great look at a movie that...

[1:09:52] I don't know if it really should have been made.

[1:09:54] It sounds like it would have been insane.

[1:09:55] And I love the book Dune, and this movie would not have been Dune.

[1:09:59] But there's also a great moment where...

[1:10:01] Just to spoil one thing, where the movie has fallen apart...

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:02] Was Mick Jagger going to play one of the shy Hulud?

[1:10:05] The God Worms?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:07] Oh, why can't I remember his name?

[1:10:08] He was going to play Fade Rotha.

[1:10:10] Oh.

[1:10:10] Which is pretty good casting.

[1:10:13] And Salvador Dali was going to be the emperor of the universe and everything.

[1:10:15] But there's a moment where the movie has fallen apart...

[1:10:18] And David Lynch's version has come out...

[1:10:20] And Alejandro Yodorowsky is so distraught...

[1:10:23] Because to him, David Lynch, as to all of us, is a great artist.

[1:10:26] And he's like, oh no, he made this movie.

[1:10:28] What if he did it better than me?

[1:10:30] This great artist working with the same material.

[1:10:32] And he doesn't want to see the movie, and his family makes him go see it.

[1:10:35] And he watches it, and he is delighted to find that it is the shittiest movie.

[1:10:39] And the delight in Alejandro Yodorowsky's face is he remembers how bad the movie was.

[1:10:45] His charisma is...

[1:10:46] He's such a charmer.

[1:10:47] He's so charming in the movie.

[1:10:48] He's so charismatic and charming throughout the movie, even as he tells you this crazy nonsense.

[1:10:53] And at one point talks about how it was his responsibility as the artist to rape the book Dune in order to make his movie.

[1:10:59] It'd be still charming and charismatic as he's...

[1:11:01] He's making this rape metaphor.

[1:11:03] As he is crazy and saying nonsense.

[1:11:05] So Yodorowsky's Dune is a really...

[1:11:07] In many ways, I think, might it be a more entertaining movie than if that version of Dune had gotten made.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:13] I would like to recommend a movie.

[1:11:15] I recommended a lot of movies last week that were Stephen Sondheim related.

[1:11:22] And I'm actually going to continue this trend by recommending a movie called The Last of Sheila.

[1:11:27] Oh, okay.

[1:11:28] From 1973.

[1:11:29] It's on DVD now, right?

[1:11:30] Yeah, which is the only movie written by Stephen Sondheim and the only movie written by Anthony Perkins.

[1:11:38] And it stars such a 1970s cast.

[1:11:42] It's got Richard Benjamin, James Coburn, James Mason, Diane Cannon, Joan Hackett, Ian McShane, and Raquel Welch.

[1:11:50] Ian McShane is not...

[1:11:51] Well...

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:52] I mean, the guy had a great career in Sergis.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:54] No, I'm just saying.

[1:11:55] Like, the amalgam of the people.

[1:11:57] Oh, okay.

[1:11:58] I can see that.

[1:11:59] But this is an interesting movie.

[1:12:02] It's one of these sort of like puzzle box, drawing room kind of mysteries, even though it's set sort of mostly on a boat.

[1:12:12] Not a drawing room.

[1:12:13] Where...

[1:12:14] Boats can have drawings.

[1:12:15] James Coburn's wife has died many years before.

[1:12:18] And he invites all these people to a party where he is going to play this game where it becomes clear over time that maybe he's trying to suss out who murdered his wife years before.

[1:12:33] And it's just one of these sort of like very pleasurable puzzle box films.

[1:12:38] And it's kind of interesting.

[1:12:39] I feel like there was this time in the 70s and early 80s where this kind of came back into fashion.

[1:12:46] They're making movies of this like much older type of...

[1:12:50] Like, you had Sleuth.

[1:12:53] You had Death Trap, which also starred Diane Cannon, who was in this movie.

[1:12:58] You had like the Murder on the Orient Express film with Albert Finney.

[1:13:02] You had things making fun of that, like Murder by Death.

[1:13:06] And it's kind of weird that like...

[1:13:07] And Death Trap to a certain extent.

[1:13:09] Yeah.

[1:13:09] But it's kind of...

[1:13:10] I think it's kind of funny that there was like this really like trend during that period towards like these very like puzzle box style drawing room mysteries that was really like a type of entertainment that became popular decades before.

[1:13:25] But it's a...

[1:13:27] In addition to being that kind of film, it's also kind of a fun snapshot of 1970s Hollywood and a parody and satire of 1970s Hollywood.

[1:13:38] And it's just an enjoyable film.

[1:13:41] So I recommend The Last of Sheila.

[1:13:43] And you don't have to go on a plane to see that one, right?

[1:13:45] No, you do not.

[1:13:46] Awesome.

[1:13:46] You probably could not.

[1:13:47] I don't know any plane that would be showing that.

[1:13:50] Maybe Stephen Sondheim's personal plane.

[1:13:51] Maybe you can request it.

[1:13:52] Yeah.

[1:13:54] Garcon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:55] I would like to request The Last of Sheila.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:58] I'm going to recommend a little movie.

[1:14:02] Is it small?

[1:14:04] Kind of.

[1:14:04] It's called The Borrowers.

[1:14:07] I'm going to recommend a movie called The One I Love.

[1:14:10] The Microcosmos.

[1:14:14] What was that?

[1:14:16] So I'm going to recommend The One I Love.

[1:14:18] It's a movie about a couple that is struggling.

[1:14:24] They have lost some of their spark.

[1:14:25] The couple is played by Mark Duplass and Elizabeth Moss.

[1:14:30] I smell mumblecore.

[1:14:32] And on a, yeah, it's a theme for me, I guess.

[1:14:35] Another trend, man.

[1:14:35] Very mumblecore.

[1:14:36] Drinking buddies last week.

[1:14:37] They're on a little bit of a recommendation from their therapist.

[1:14:42] They go off on a weekend alone together.

[1:14:45] And then it starts to get a little bit weird.

[1:14:48] And it's, in a way, it feels a little bit like a Twilight Zone kind of made long, made movie length.

[1:14:55] And I guess for some folks, the twist.

[1:15:00] Sling bling.

[1:15:01] Wait, what?

[1:15:02] Sling bling?

[1:15:02] What the fuck's that, dude?

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:05] Sling bling?

[1:15:06] Is that like the Wayans Brothers parody of Sling Blade?

[1:15:10] Shit.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:11] It's an offensively gay character who sleeps in a sling.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:19] So, I don't know.

[1:15:20] Like, it's kind of a little movie.

[1:15:22] I feel it's great because the performances are really impressive.

[1:15:26] Mark Duplass is great.

[1:15:27] And Elizabeth Moss is amazing.

[1:15:30] And I, if you like little, like if you like Twilight Zone style twists, I totally recommend it.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:38] I feel like that was a really solid group of offbeat recommendations.

[1:15:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:44] A big meaty selection of recommendations to go with their dessert.

[1:15:49] God's not dead.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:50] Yeah.

[1:15:50] So, I'll leave you, the listener, to speculate wildly about what might come up in small timber next time.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:59] And if you're one of those poor listeners who signed on because they, I don't know, love God's not dead and just listen to every podcast that talks about it.

[1:16:08] This doesn't exist.

[1:16:09] And you've made it this far.

[1:16:12] Wow.

[1:16:13] Cool.

[1:16:14] You have walked through the lines, Dan.

[1:16:16] Oh, you can unbuckle your seatbelt now?

[1:16:19] I know it's been a wild ride.

[1:16:20] Yeah.

[1:16:21] A little bit bumpy.

[1:16:21] Don't worry.

[1:16:22] We're all going to hell.

[1:16:23] It's fine.

[1:16:24] Don't worry about it.

[1:16:24] Not me.

[1:16:25] We've talked about Marvel Comics, D&D and shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:28] I don't understand why you're trying to win people over.

[1:16:31] Just listen to this.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:34] Or sum up what happened.

[1:16:36] We all heard it.

[1:16:38] We've all been here.

[1:16:39] We've been here the whole time.

[1:16:41] That's the twist.

[1:16:42] We've been here recording the episode.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:45] Is this the Flophouse version of like at the end of a TV show when over the credits they show you stills from the episode you just watched?

[1:16:52] All of us laughing and high-fiving each other?

[1:16:55] Because if so, I'm in.

[1:16:56] This is the end of an SNL episode where I was just on stage hugging and having a great time.

[1:17:01] Somebody plays the saxophone and G.E. Smith wails on a guitar.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:05] And people awkwardly decide whether or not they should hug the backup members of the band.

[1:17:11] They can get very grabby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:13] Well, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:18] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:19] And I'll continue to be Elliot Kalin even when you stop listening.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:22] Good night, everyone.

[1:17:24] Nailed it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17:30] But not right now.

[1:17:31] We're talking about a movie?

[1:17:34] Are we going to do this podcast that we do?

Dan McCoy

[1:17:37] Probably not.

[1:17:38] It's been a while.

[1:17:38] Why would we do that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:41] Okay.

[1:17:41] Okay, and then I guess I'll go home.

[1:17:43] No, wait.

[1:17:43] Having wasted two hours on God's Not Dead.

[1:17:46] This was a prank on you.

[1:17:48] Oh.

[1:17:48] Roasted.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:49] We're not recording until next week.

The Flop House: Episode #160 - God's Not Dead

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description