The Flop House: Episode #160 - God's Not Dead

[0:00] Good news, everyone. God's not dead. He just needs a better agent.

[0:31] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:35] Hey, guys. I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:37] Hey, buds. I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:39] Hey, it's actually legitimately been a while.

[0:42] It has. You guys are...

[0:43] It's been a while.

[0:44] Every time.

[0:45] And those words are meaningless most of the time.

[0:47] But we thanked a few because you and I, Elliot...

[0:52] That's business lingo, right?

[0:54] That's business lingo.

[0:55] They're in the can.

[0:56] The toilet.

[0:57] That's butt lingo.

[0:59] But there were vacations.

[1:03] You had a...

[1:04] You guys have been vacationing like crazy lately.

[1:08] Tell me about it.

[1:09] It's been a lot of travel unrelated to the movie that we watch tonight and not worth getting into.

[1:14] Okay.

[1:15] But suffice to say, it's been a long time since the three of us were in a room together talking movie stuff.

[1:21] Trapped here.

[1:24] Hot room because the air conditioner is off, unlike previous episodes where the sound was shitty.

[1:31] And as many Flock of Fountains fans are unaware, we actually have been cursed so that once every two weeks,

[1:37] we are trapped in a room by the Baba Yaga, or as Dan knows it, the Strega Nona,

[1:42] until we talk for roughly an hour about a bad movie, in which case the locks undo themselves,

[1:48] the door creaks open, and a voice says,

[1:52] Until next time, Flockers!

[1:54] Wipeout!

[1:55] Wipeout!

[1:58] Nice way park!

[2:00] So here's the thing.

[2:03] Okay, that's the biggest introduction in the history of anything.

[2:06] It's a great transition.

[2:07] Not even a transition.

[2:10] Next month is the holiest month of the Flockhouse calendar, Shocktober.

[2:15] Shocktober.

[2:16] And what better way to celebrate Shocktober...

[2:18] ...than to ease into it with a little of something we're calling Smallvember,

[2:22] where we look at movies that are slightly smaller than we normally would look at here in the Flockhouse.

[2:28] Yeah, Smallvember.

[2:29] Not to say, much like Shocktober, we watch more movies at other times during the year,

[2:34] and we watch smaller movies sometimes at other times during the year, but now we're branding it.

[2:38] Elliot, do you remember the first time you heard about Smallvember?

[2:41] Yes, it was when I said, We can call it Smallvember.

[2:45] An email chain that started two or three days ago.

[2:48] Yep. So Smallvember is a storied and long-lived historical thing that we just made up now.

[2:55] What other months will we have to look forward to, Dan?

[2:58] Oh, there will be...

[2:59] Perhaps Pornuary.

[3:01] The January when we just, Hey, why not? Let's just watch hardcore porn.

[3:05] I don't know if it's a bunch of Brazzers videos strung together, or if it's...

[3:08] Like a compilation tape?

[3:09] Yeah.

[3:11] Or Fredulary, the month where we only watch movies starring an actor named Fred.

[3:18] Yep, Fred McMurray or...

[3:20] Fred Miller?

[3:21] Fred Rogers from Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.

[3:25] He probably made a movie, right?

[3:27] I don't think so.

[3:28] Like early in his career? Like Hercules in New York style?

[3:31] Yeah, the exploitation adventure film that Fred Rogers made.

[3:37] And who can forget Drop Dead Fred?

[3:43] But for the kickoff Smallvember movie...

[3:47] In one year old.

[3:48] Yeah.

[3:49] First ever Smallvember screening.

[3:51] We watched the Christ...

[3:52] History in the making.

[3:54] This is the Rosa Parks of small budget movies.

[3:57] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[3:59] X-tree, X-tree, Smallvember movie names.

[4:02] We watched the Christ-sploitation film God's Not Dead.

[4:07] Yeah, oh boy.

[4:08] God's Not Dead, you say?

[4:10] And this movie's been many times.

[4:12] Starring beepy TV hunks, Kevin Sorbo and D.K.

[4:18] Hunk of TV beef.

[4:19] Yep.

[4:20] Kevin Smurlow.

[4:22] Ripley's Believe It or Not, You Better Believe It.

[4:25] This is the Superman-Hercules crossover.

[4:29] In that they share no scenes together.

[4:31] The Superman-Hercules slash fiction.

[4:33] Because that's right, Dean Crane is here too.

[4:38] Old Craw and Dean Crane.

[4:40] And I hope you like the Christian pop band Newsboys.

[4:43] Because they make an inexplicable appearance at the end.

[4:46] Because everybody likes them, including one of these Duck Dynasty fellows.

[4:51] Oh, I hope you like Duck Dynasty, because there's some of that in this movie too.

[4:54] It's like someone...

[4:56] It's like Duck Dynasty, but with ducks.

[4:58] Just like did a random internet search for Christian interests

[5:02] and decided to put all those things into a movie.

[5:06] The Christian interests being Newsboys, Duck Dynasty, and Kevin Sorbo?

[5:10] The one thing it's missing is if the characters stop at Chick-fil-A for lunch at some point.

[5:15] Like, this is a divine sandwich.

[5:18] Yep.

[5:19] This sandwich certainly is denying gay people their rights.

[5:24] Uh...

[5:25] Politics.

[5:26] Oh, okay.

[5:27] Luckily the marriage between taste buds and chicken is legal.

[5:31] In this state.

[5:33] It's Adam and Delicious, not Adam and Steve.

[5:36] Wait, hold on.

[5:37] So like Adam was with a golden delicious apple?

[5:41] No, no. Her name was Eve Delicious.

[5:43] She was a stripper.

[5:45] Delicious sounds like a...

[5:47] How could she be a stripper if they had no clothes?

[5:49] Because they had no knowledge of the nakedness.

[5:51] In the burlesque routine, she actually put her clothes back on, which made it sexier.

[5:54] Oh, boy.

[5:55] Even at the beginning of time, burlesque was a waste of time.

[5:57] Yep.

[5:59] Let me guess.

[6:00] She had history's first ukulele, too.

[6:03] But the serpents thought it was so hip.

[6:06] Yeah, yeah.

[6:07] They really loved to throw back nostalgia to an era that hadn't happened yet.

[6:11] So...

[6:13] So what do we do here again?

[6:14] We watch a movie and talk about it?

[6:15] We watch a movie called...

[6:16] Oh, yeah.

[6:17] That's what the podcast is.

[6:18] God's Not Dead.

[6:20] Yeah.

[6:21] Rated R.

[6:22] Bullet to the God's Not Head.

[6:23] It's not rated R.

[6:24] Rated R for religious.

[6:27] Bullet to the Godhead.

[6:28] It's the sequel to Bullet to the Head.

[6:31] Sylvester Stallone's mercenary character, Bobo,

[6:34] has a bigger target on his hands this time.

[6:38] The divine Godhead itself.

[6:40] Yeah.

[6:42] The big mob boss calls him in and he's like,

[6:44] I got a problem.

[6:45] The problem is God's not dead.

[6:47] Yep.

[6:48] God's gonna testify against me.

[6:50] And the big court case is coming up.

[6:52] I need you to take care of that.

[6:54] A Walter Hill-Steve Eilert collaboration.

[6:56] Anybody?

[6:58] Steve Eilert?

[6:59] Eilert?

[7:00] Maker of the Eilets on Your Shoes?

[7:02] No, no, no.

[7:03] Slaughtermatic?

[7:04] Anyway, forget it.

[7:05] The...

[7:06] So, Kevin Sorbo stars in this movie.

[7:08] So, Kevin Sorbo does not star in this.

[7:09] He has Dr. Raddison.

[7:10] So, the movie...

[7:11] Director of the Raddison Hotel chain.

[7:14] Before we get to Dr. Raddison, the hotel...

[7:16] Radical.

[7:17] Radical.

[7:18] The man who was bitten by a radioactive hotel.

[7:21] And given all the powers of an atheistic philosophy professor.

[7:26] Let's start at the beginning, shall we?

[7:28] The big bang.

[7:29] You see, billions of years ago, something happened.

[7:33] Four nerds hung out.

[7:34] And that's the controversy that God's not dead is hinged upon.

[7:37] It's all in the book Something Happened by Joseph Heller.

[7:40] Do you want to read 400 pages of basically the same four pages over and over again?

[7:44] Read Something Happened by Joseph Heller.

[7:46] Joseph Heller.

[7:47] Do you want to hope that...

[7:48] Take that, Joseph Heller's least known book.

[7:50] I don't know if it's a least known book.

[7:52] Maybe Good as Gold.

[7:53] Yeah.

[7:54] Do you want to hope that the lightning that struck with Catch-22 strikes again?

[7:57] Read Something Happened.

[7:59] Don't repicture this.

[8:00] It's a much better book.

[8:01] All right.

[8:02] Anyway, so, God is dead.

[8:04] Or is he?

[8:05] Can we talk about Joseph Heller books some more?

[8:06] Yeah, sure.

[8:07] There's also God Knows, the story of King David told from his point of view.

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:11] I mean, I only read the one.

[8:13] So, I can't really get too deep in this.

[8:15] Okay.

[8:16] Well, I'll just file it with Steve Eiland in.

[8:18] Authors I've read a bunch of that you guys are not that familiar with.

[8:21] Yeah.

[8:22] And we'll continue with the movie.

[8:23] So, young college student, Josh Whedon, a...

[8:26] Joss Whedon?

[8:27] The movie man?

[8:28] No, and not Will Whedon.

[8:29] Not an atheist, Joss Whedon?

[8:31] Not TV's Will Whedon, Wesley Crusher.

[8:33] Okay.

[8:34] His name's just Josh, which is a different name than Joss.

[8:36] Josh Wheaton?

[8:37] Joe Sweaton?

[8:38] The Wheaton fortune?

[8:39] No.

[8:40] No.

[8:41] Jody Sweeton?

[8:42] Yeah.

[8:43] Yeah, Full House star Jody Sweeton stars as Joss Whedon.

[8:46] God's not dead.

[8:47] Saying that makes you how rude?

[8:49] Yeah.

[8:50] You got it, dude, is what Michelle was saying.

[8:54] She's like, we're going to have a pants-off dance-off and tell we're as innocent as Adam

[8:59] and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

[9:00] Yeah.

[9:01] Exactly.

[9:02] Anyway, Josh Whedon, a college student, he said for the fourth fucking time...

[9:06] This philosophy professor is about as welcome as Kimmy Gibbler.

[9:12] He goes up to that college professor and he says, hey, atheism, cut it out.

[9:17] Yeah.

[9:18] I'll just go play with the Beach Boys.

[9:21] The mascots of Full House.

[9:25] They're like, you have summoned us.

[9:28] You have struck the Elder Runes.

[9:31] We have arrived.

[9:33] It's though we will play Kokomo.

[9:36] It really shows the different worlds that those sitcoms were living in.

[9:42] Full House had the Beach Boys, the non-Brian Wilson Beach Boys, while Cosby was drawing

[9:50] upon an endless well of classic jazz and funk musicians.

[9:55] Yeah, in the least natural way possible.

[9:57] Yeah.

[9:58] Hey, you know there was a plot in this episode?

[10:00] of it so we can go hang out at Lena Horne's restaurant for a little bit.

[10:04] Anyway, Josh Wheaton, a college student who's also a Christian,

[10:08] enrolls in a philosophy class that he needs for his pre-law major.

[10:12] Even though, as is puzzlingly said later in the movie,

[10:15] his nemesis, the professor, points out there is no pre-law major.

[10:17] Professor Raddison.

[10:18] Professor Raddison points out there is no pre-law major at the college.

[10:22] A threat, kind of, which is never carried, never explained.

[10:26] Anyway, he takes philosophy.

[10:26] It's also weird.

[10:27] It feels like he just kind of wrote in in the other box or something.

[10:31] I mean, he's a freshman.

[10:32] He doesn't have to declare a major right away.

[10:34] I certainly didn't when I was a freshman in college.

[10:38] For a while, your major was dance.

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:42] And then for a while, it was my major was pain.

[10:44] Charles Dance.

[10:45] And then for a little bit, the major was a minor.

[10:50] Anyway, can I say the first thing that happens in the movie?

[10:54] You're not allowed to explain the philosophy.

[10:56] There's a college student who enrolls in a philosophy course.

[10:58] He's warned against taking this particular philosophy course,

[11:01] but in a very cryptic way.

[11:03] And it turns out it's hosted by, hosted by, it's hosted by your friend and mine,

[11:08] Professor Raddison, my guest tonight.

[11:11] Not God, because I don't believe it.

[11:13] It's hosted by Chuck Woolery.

[11:14] So Professor Jeffrey Raddison, played by Kevin Sorbo, who's not looking.

[11:19] Sorbo?

[11:20] TV's Kevin Sorbo.

[11:21] That's two different weapons mashed together.

[11:23] Kevin Sorbon.

[11:26] Kevin Sorbon, which would be, I guess, his porn Mad Magazine name.

[11:32] Like if Penthouse Comics did a Hercules parody starring Kevin Sorbon.

[11:38] Pencils by Milo Manara.

[11:42] For Mad Magazine?

[11:43] No, Hustler Comics.

[11:44] OK.

[11:45] Yeah, yeah.

[11:46] Anyway, it's just a lot of panels of Kevin Sorbon with his butt up in the air

[11:49] for some reason.

[11:50] And he's got a, I have to point out, he's got a goatee,

[11:53] which is the most devilish form of facial hair one can have.

[11:56] Yes, it did look like he was the evil twin,

[11:59] and that the good version would show up later, sans Mr. Sheep.

[12:01] He's trapped in some sort of mirror universe.

[12:03] And boy was he, wait, what?

[12:05] It was a bit?

[12:05] Come on.

[12:06] Anyway, and boy is he evil.

[12:08] You just went right through that whole bit.

[12:10] Because we don't have, because we have wasted a lot of time.

[12:13] That huge influx of new listeners that are going to see what movie we chose

[12:17] and are going to be like, oh, great, another podcast

[12:19] talking about my favorite movie.

[12:22] So Kevin Sorbon starts his first class by saying, hey,

[12:25] let's cut to the chase and just admit there's no God.

[12:28] There never was one.

[12:30] Just to get the thing started, and this is a third of your grade,

[12:33] I want everyone to write, God is dead on a piece of paper.

[12:37] Sign their name and just hand it to me.

[12:38] And everyone in class is like, yeah, sure, I don't give a shit.

[12:41] Whatever, I'll do whatever it takes to get through this class

[12:43] with this idiot blowhard teaching it.

[12:45] But Josh Wheaton can't do it.

[12:48] He cannot deny his Lord.

[12:49] And so he says, I can't do it.

[12:51] I think there is a God.

[12:52] And Professor Radisson says, I'm going to give you

[12:55] 20 minutes at the end of the first three lectures

[12:58] to make the case for God.

[13:00] Or do whatever you want.

[13:02] Hey, you want to go up there and just beatbox for a while?

[13:04] I don't care.

[13:05] I'm going to flunk you anyway.

[13:06] But if you can prove there's a God, then I'll pass you in this class.

[13:10] Now, if you won't get mad at me for interrupting your synopsis yet again,

[13:14] I don't think we can pass over this quickly.

[13:17] Because like, two books.

[13:18] Pass over, Dan?

[13:18] Are you referring to my religion?

[13:20] Yes.

[13:21] Well, I mean, you know, we still use that part of the book.

[13:24] We just don't really focus on it that much.

[13:26] Do you celebrate Passover?

[13:27] No.

[13:28] So there you go.

[13:29] I mean, we recognize it.

[13:30] We don't celebrate it.

[13:31] Like if it was walking down the street, you'd be like, hey, I've seen you.

[13:34] I know that holiday.

[13:36] No, no, don't tell me.

[13:38] Pap.

[13:39] Are you the one with the candles?

[13:41] Persimmons, right?

[13:43] No, but.

[13:44] Paddy Chayefsky, right?

[13:46] To borrow from the good book, the premise of this.

[13:49] That good book is not Something Happened by Joseph Heller.

[13:52] Look, I'm a big fan of Joseph Heller.

[13:54] Don't like that particular book.

[13:56] The premise of this movie is built on sand.

[13:58] This, just like the movie House of Sand and Fog,

[14:01] but they don't even have the fog to shore up the house.

[14:03] And I hate sand.

[14:04] The idea.

[14:05] It's everywhere.

[14:06] Not like Natalie Portman's skin.

[14:08] It gets in your butt.

[14:11] Whoa, you're misremembering that movie.

[14:13] No, it's so great.

[14:15] And Anakin Skywalker.

[14:17] Anakin Skywalker's running his hands over Princess Amidala,

[14:20] and he just goes, I hate sand.

[14:22] It gets in your butt.

[14:25] And she's like, whoa, what?

[14:27] What did Wado do to you?

[14:31] Point forward, sand in your butt.

[14:33] This is a straw man movie if everyone loves it.

[14:35] This is a straw man, like the idea that any college professor.

[14:38] I haven't seen a movie with a straw man this big since Wizard of Oz.

[14:41] Boom, boom.

[14:43] Burned.

[14:43] You were going to say Wicker Man?

[14:44] Toasted.

[14:46] Wicker Man also works.

[14:47] Put it in Entertainment Weekly's notable quotables.

[14:51] Do they have that?

[14:52] They have like quotes from the week.

[14:54] I mean, it's usually Reese Witherspoon saying something,

[14:56] but you could have been in it.

[14:57] Odd mess, cue it up.

[15:01] But no, like the idea that any college professor anywhere in the US

[15:06] would be like, all right, for a third year grade,

[15:08] you have to deny the fact that God exists as the beginning.

[15:11] I'm going to give the movie the benefit of the doubt

[15:13] that there is some professor somewhere who is a big enough pompous ass

[15:17] that he would do that.

[15:18] But the idea that that professor.

[15:19] But he would be fired immediately.

[15:21] Yeah, and the idea that that professor.

[15:22] Well, unless he's got tenure.

[15:23] Is a, that's the problem.

[15:24] It's like diplomatic immunity, right?

[15:26] Yeah, diplomatic immunity.

[15:29] Until Danny Glover says his tenure just got revoked,

[15:32] then shoots them in the head.

[15:34] But the idea that this is the threat that is shaking

[15:38] the foundation of young people's minds is goofballs.

[15:43] Well, yeah, that everybody in the class was immediately willing to say,

[15:46] yeah, sure, God's dead.

[15:47] Sight and sight.

[15:48] Except for the one guy who left early because it was.

[15:51] Because the class was going to be too hard.

[15:52] Yeah, that Timberwolves fan.

[15:54] You got to assume that that guy was like a really devout Christian.

[15:58] If he'd stuck around, he would have made an even more convincing argument.

[16:01] He wanted to goof off class, but he was like a genius.

[16:04] So he would have more time to pray.

[16:06] On an easy class, he'll have more time to just speak to the Lord.

[16:10] Work on this psalm I'm writing.

[16:12] Yeah.

[16:12] So anyway, I just wanted to.

[16:14] This altarpiece triptych.

[16:15] Reiterate how stupid the basic premise of this movie is.

[16:19] This is a movie that is basically a jack chick tracked in movie form.

[16:23] But anyway, so Josh takes the case.

[16:27] Josh Whedon takes the case.

[16:29] Josh has his feet up on his desk in his private eye office.

[16:31] God walks in, says, people are trying to kill me.

[16:34] And he goes, I'll take the case.

[16:36] I work $25 a day plus indulgences.

[16:39] And then he makes out with God.

[16:41] Because God's got some sweet games.

[16:43] That's when a deity walked in who had stems all the way from here to heaven.

[16:47] They went all the way up.

[16:48] He had a beard that just wouldn't quit.

[16:52] Keep going.

[16:55] Anyway, there's also a couple different.

[16:57] We're introduced to a panoply of characters.

[17:00] I've used this as a description before with other movies.

[17:02] But it is much like a Dickens novel in that there

[17:05] are a number of character strands that, well, in Dickens' novel,

[17:08] they would come together beautifully or in a Seinfeld episode, let's say.

[17:11] But this is sub Seinfeld structure.

[17:13] There are a bunch of strands that don't really come together.

[17:16] And I think, Dan, you pointed out this was supposed to be like a crash Babel

[17:20] type, lots of people, like, lives intersecting.

[17:23] It's all part of God's plan, man.

[17:25] Sometimes things just don't intersect.

[17:26] We learn how all these people's lives touch one another.

[17:30] It's like everyone's lives touch one another in real life.

[17:32] It's a real Gary Marshall's Valentine's Day.

[17:36] But imagine Valentine's Day was about the real St.

[17:38] Valentine, a Christian marker.

[17:40] But instead, we spend much of the movie just watching these subplots,

[17:44] wondering, like, how are these connected, and yelling at the screen.

[17:46] And it turns out, many of them are not.

[17:47] So let's mark down off all the subplots, can we?

[17:50] There's a Chinese exchange student, or just a Chinese student

[17:53] at an American school who is there.

[17:56] He's Chinese.

[17:56] That's his plot.

[17:58] And eventually, he becomes a Christian.

[17:59] And he wears our child's letters.

[18:03] There's Kevin Sorbo's girlfriend, who is also a Christian.

[18:07] And he belittles her.

[18:08] She has a senile mother.

[18:11] I mean, she's younger, and that's the only way you can keep her around.

[18:13] Yeah.

[18:14] And the senile, yes, he negs her a lot.

[18:16] He's always negging her faith.

[18:18] I think that's in the game.

[18:20] Go up to a woman and neg her faith a lot.

[18:23] You can alternate compliments and blasphemy.

[18:25] That's how you get a woman.

[18:26] You're like, oh, Taoism?

[18:28] Yeah, OK, I'm an uncarved block.

[18:30] Whatever.

[18:31] Great.

[18:33] Hey, you're real beautiful.

[18:34] But maybe you'll be reincarnated as someone who's not so fat.

[18:37] Anyway, want to sleep with me?

[18:38] That's how it goes.

[18:40] Anyway, so she has a senile old mom who's in like two scenes.

[18:44] But she also has a brother who never visits the mother, played by?

[18:47] Dean Cain.

[18:48] TV's Superman.

[18:50] TV's Ripley's, believe it or not.

[18:53] He was the host, I guess.

[18:55] Broken Hearts Club member himself, Dean Cain, who is a?

[19:00] From TV's Las Vegas as well, where the hero was named Danny McCoy.

[19:05] It all comes full circle, I guess.

[19:07] Yeah, that was God.

[19:08] That's proof of God.

[19:09] It's a miracle.

[19:09] Anyway, Dean Cain is a high-powered executive of some kind.

[19:13] I think he's a lawyer.

[19:14] He just got made partner.

[19:15] Oh, that's right, partner.

[19:17] So he's an asshole.

[19:19] And he's a jerk to his girlfriend, who is a reporter for an online website

[19:24] of some kind.

[19:25] And she is ready.

[19:27] She is looking to take down the Duck Dynasty guy for, one,

[19:31] they're being too religious, and two, they're killing ducks.

[19:34] We need to take a little moment to go into this in a little more depth.

[19:39] She ambushes.

[19:40] She walks out from behind a pillar and thrusts a recorder into their face,

[19:44] ambushes them all.

[19:45] Into the face of a Duck Dynasty guy and his wife.

[19:47] Yeah, on the way to church.

[19:49] And you've made a whole bunch of money off of manufacturing things that

[19:54] allow you to lure ducks to their death.

[19:56] So she's blowing the lid off the idea that people hunt ducks.

[19:59] She's finally.

[20:00] someone's gonna take down the duck hunting industry after several thousand years.

[20:04] Yeah, he's always putting it out there, it was a secret!

[20:06] But I thought, my duck calls are just for entertainment purposes.

[20:09] If someone uses them for duck murder, I can't be held legally liable.

[20:13] Ah, ah, ah!

[20:14] No, but he actually, in this, of course, because it's all scripted,

[20:18] he owns it very charmingly and comes off as a rational person,

[20:22] where she comes off as a crazy person.

[20:24] I mean, she does, what she's saying is crazy.

[20:26] Her hair is all crazy, she overslept.

[20:28] The first time we see her, she oversleeps because her alarm clock isn't set right.

[20:32] She goes to her car and the windows are smashed.

[20:34] She's microwaving a take-out container of coffee.

[20:37] I don't know why her take-out container of coffee is not hot.

[20:39] Well, no, she's very cheap, and so she just reuses the take-out container.

[20:43] I see.

[20:44] She's too impatient, so she stops the microwave.

[20:46] Hey, I never realized, later on, that character, well, this is a character who,

[20:49] and this movie is so mean to this character.

[20:51] She is like a humanist atheist, she has a bumper sticker that says, like,

[20:55] I heart evolution or something, and God is just constantly shitting on her.

[21:00] And it's like, I can understand if the movie was like,

[21:03] hey, you have all these great things in your life,

[21:05] and you don't recognize that they come from God,

[21:07] and she was like, oh, wait a minute, you know what?

[21:10] That makes sense.

[21:11] But instead, the movie is like God is just kind of like flicking her in the face constantly,

[21:15] and then he gives her cancer.

[21:17] Well, that may come from reusing a microwave to take out coffee.

[21:19] Which explains oversleeping and being kind of messy all the time, right?

[21:22] And her car being broken into.

[21:24] Because thieves can sense frailty.

[21:26] They can smell weakness on her.

[21:28] Messiness.

[21:29] But, like, you really wonder why this, like, what is this woman doing in this unit?

[21:34] I guess later free will comes up.

[21:36] Maybe she's the example of someone who finally chooses God after bad stuff happens to her.

[21:42] I don't know.

[21:43] She's a regular Job story.

[21:44] But she goes out to dinner.

[21:45] She's a regular She-Job.

[21:46] She goes out to dinner with the savage She-Job.

[21:49] You see what happened?

[21:50] Lawyer by day and She-Job by night.

[21:52] Lawyer Jessica Walters got her...

[21:55] Jessica Walters from Arrested Development?

[21:57] You got it.

[21:58] She got a blood transfusion from her cousin Job, transforming her into She-Job.

[22:02] That was a mistake.

[22:03] Now when she gets mad, she has the power to lose everything she has and be covered in boils.

[22:08] That's a terrible, terrible superhero.

[22:10] Hey, but at least free will is intact, am I right?

[22:12] And she got a blood transfusion out of the deal.

[22:15] You have free blood.

[22:17] Keep it coming.

[22:19] She goes out to dinner with...

[22:20] The She-Hulk is really Jennifer Walters.

[22:22] Oh, okay.

[22:23] She goes out to dinner with Dean Cain.

[22:25] Jean Grey.

[22:27] She goes out to dinner with Jean Grey, who's the phoenix.

[22:29] It's the ladies' man.

[22:30] She-Job and Jean Grey are out on the town, two super-superheroes.

[22:34] There's a bank robbery.

[22:35] Jean Grey uses her telepathic and telekinetic powers to stop it, while She-Job writhes in pain

[22:41] as the adversary makes an unfair deal with God to test her faith.

[22:45] No, but she goes out to dinner with Dean Cain.

[22:47] Face front, front, true believers.

[22:49] It's me, Stan Lee, with the newest mighty Marvel sensation, She-Job.

[22:55] We know you love the incredible Job, but it's the 70s.

[22:58] Time to give women a shot at the brass ring.

[23:01] But you're talking about how she suffers so much.

[23:03] Dean Cain comes in and is like, oh, I got a promotion at work.

[23:07] I'm going to make partner.

[23:08] And she's like, I think I've got cancer.

[23:10] And he goes, you talked about this.

[23:15] You knew what this was.

[23:17] He's like, can't this wait till tomorrow?

[23:19] And this is the first point at which Stuart got up, rubbed his eyes,

[23:23] and started pacing around the room.

[23:25] We had a really tough time watching this movie.

[23:27] It's so comical.

[23:28] Like, the villains are so comically bad.

[23:32] They are one step away from twirling a mustache.

[23:35] Exactly.

[23:36] We're not even done with the subplots, because in addition, there's another comically evil villain

[23:40] in the subplot of the Muslim girl who's secretly flirting with Christianity,

[23:44] but her very religious father does not approve.

[23:46] She's listening to the audio book of the Bible.

[23:47] She's literally listening to Corinthians on her iPod.

[23:50] So she's punished for being lazy, of course, right?

[23:53] The son of a sloth.

[23:55] God sent for you to read that word.

[23:58] If God had meant you to listen to it, he would have invented iPods much earlier.

[24:05] Here's the thing.

[24:06] The first time we see them, she is in a car with – well, the first time we see her,

[24:12] she's getting out of a car that her dad drives her to school, and then she works in the cafeteria without –

[24:16] And she's fixing her burka, right?

[24:18] Well, it's more of a hijab.

[24:19] Okay.

[24:20] But she's working without her job, and here's Josh talking with his girlfriend,

[24:24] who does not approve of Josh's religiosity, because she sees him one day becoming a high-powered lawyer.

[24:29] She thinks it's religious.

[24:31] Yeah, to quote Bill Maher.

[24:33] See, I wonder if – is there supposed to be some idea that if Josh goes down the path of a law degree

[24:39] instead of Christ, he will become Dean Cain?

[24:42] Like, is this like a Don Draper becoming Roger Sterling while Pete Campbell becomes Don Draper?

[24:47] I mean, I don't think there's ever a point where he – like, I don't think he changes his mind.

[24:51] I think he's still planning to get a law degree.

[24:53] Okay, but he'll just be in, like, God court.

[24:55] Yeah, I mean, that's the world, dude.

[24:58] Dude, dude, dude, dude.

[25:00] Sorry.

[25:01] Pope Harry Anderson.

[25:03] Now, what if it was called Night Papal Court?

[25:07] It was, like, the pope booking prostitutes and, like, purse thieves.

[25:11] Yeah.

[25:12] And, of course, John Larroquette was, like, the horny bishop.

[25:15] He's like – yeah.

[25:17] All his sentences are, like, venal sin or mortal sin.

[25:19] That's all it comes down to.

[25:21] And, of course, the bailiff, Papal Bull.

[25:24] And he would be terrifying.

[25:26] Yeah.

[25:27] Because he's half bull, half pope.

[25:30] Because he's half bull, half pope.

[25:32] That's my new character, Papal Bull.

[25:34] He's a Batman villain.

[25:36] Anyway, so the –

[25:38] He lives in a labyrinth with David Bowie.

[25:43] Bowie.

[25:47] Take a bowie.

[25:49] That's a Madonna song.

[25:50] Anyway, so the – what's the – oh, yeah, so she –

[25:54] There's a scene where –

[25:55] So she fixes her head wrap.

[25:56] Anyway, she looks –

[25:57] She puts it on at one point, and another girl shows up.

[25:59] She looks at Josh once while he talks about faith.

[26:00] So, of course, she's in love with him now.

[26:02] She fixes her head wrap, and a girl tells her,

[26:04] You're so beautiful.

[26:05] You shouldn't have to wear that.

[26:07] Then she gets into a car with her father, and there's a scene with her father where her father is like,

[26:10] I know it's hard being part of their world but also being apart from it,

[26:15] but I hope you understand that we have our faith, and I love you,

[26:19] and that's why I want you to stay faithful.

[26:22] And it was a moment where I was like,

[26:24] Why is this overtly Christian movie is like seems to have a sympathetic moment for a Muslim character?

[26:29] Maybe they're just saying belief in any god is better than unbelief.

[26:34] It's spoken by a character who's played by an actor who has only four credits listed as terrorist.

[26:40] Yeah.

[26:41] So I was thinking, maybe I'll give this movie more of In the Doubt.

[26:44] Of course, I stopped that later.

[26:45] He discovers she's listening to the Bible on her iPod and punches her and throws her out of the house.

[26:50] It's like, oh, no, wait, no, Islam bad.

[26:52] I get the idea.

[26:53] Okay.

[26:54] Yep.

[26:55] He stands up for his faith, I guess, and loses a daughter for it.

[27:00] Yeah, it's just like Fiddler on the Roof, except with punching.

[27:03] To return to the main thrust of the story.

[27:05] Were there any subplots that I missed?

[27:07] You talked about Alzheimer's mom, right?

[27:10] Yeah, Alzheimer's mom.

[27:11] I think that was…

[27:12] She was bitten by a radioactive Alzheimer's.

[27:14] I think that's it.

[27:17] So Josh is continuing his debate with Kevin Sorbo.

[27:21] It seems to be mainly about them throwing quotes at each other from like Stephen Hawking.

[27:25] And PowerPoint presentations.

[27:27] And some of these are pretty professionally animated, these PowerPoint presentations.

[27:31] And I have to say, they spent…

[27:33] Yeah, I mean, I think you should be going for like a computer design degree or something.

[27:37] Yeah, he's much better at that.

[27:39] Like a web designer or something?

[27:40] Or some kind of – maybe he could get a job at Pixar or something.

[27:44] I mean, I don't know computers that well.

[27:45] That could be something that just comes with basic Windows now.

[27:48] A PowerPoint animation of evolution as the Big Bang?

[27:51] Yeah, with Charles Darwin and floating clouds behind his head.

[27:54] Yeah.

[27:55] And it says, Bazinga!

[27:57] What?

[27:58] That's what happens when the Big Bang happens.

[28:00] Oh, the Big Bang.

[28:01] Someone yells it.

[28:02] Yeah, I hate it so much.

[28:03] Anyway, that's my least favorite catchphrase of all time.

[28:06] It's the Kokomo of catchphrases.

[28:09] Yeah.

[28:10] There's a series of three debates where Kevin Sorbo is revealed as a pretty stupid college professor.

[28:17] They're all pretty – each debate is basically this.

[28:19] Kevin Sorbo goes –

[28:20] Because he had seemed so professional before.

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:23] When he said, just sign God is dead on a piece of paper.

[28:27] But each debate basically goes like this.

[28:29] Josh goes –

[28:30] Make your checkout too.

[28:31] God is dead.

[28:32] Kevin Sorbo for a million dollars.

[28:35] Nope, nope, nope.

[28:36] You spelled it Swordbo.

[28:37] That's not how it's spelled.

[28:38] That's actually not my name.

[28:39] I see the problem here.

[28:40] You wrote Kevin Sorbone.

[28:42] My bone is actually not sore at all.

[28:44] Sure.

[28:46] Funny joke though.

[28:47] Excellent stuff.

[28:48] Write me a real check, please.

[28:50] Mr. Newman, Mr. Alfred E. Newman, you can leave now.

[28:54] Now, here's what happens –

[28:55] Mr. Sylvester from Cracked.

[28:58] How did he get into college?

[29:00] He's a janitor.

[29:01] Is he just taking that class?

[29:03] Two words.

[29:04] Will Hunting.

[29:06] A genius janitor just like Sylvester.

[29:10] What if Good Will Hunting was just about Sylvester and he's like –

[29:20] they have that equation on the board and he walks in and instead of solving it,

[29:27] he just writes like, yeah, big letters on the board.

[29:31] And they go, don't you mean black?

[29:34] That's a mad thing.

[29:35] This is Cracked.

[29:38] Alfred E. Newman is his therapist.

[29:40] Yep.

[29:42] Anyway, what were we talking about?

[29:44] A movie?

[29:45] Did we watch a movie tonight?

[29:46] He makes Sylvester cry because instead of saying it's not your fault,

[29:49] he's going, let me worry, let me worry, let me worry, let me worry,

[29:54] and he cries on his shoulder.

[29:56] You know what?

[29:57] I think here's the movie.

[29:59] Finally, we have the movie.

[30:00] That's the correct crossover that we need.

[30:02] That scene is undercut by Alfred E. Newman's creepy smile when he's holding him.

[30:08] And the fact that his face is on gizmo from Gremlins for some reason.

[30:17] Because I guess that's what they were parrying in the issue, I don't know.

[30:19] Anyway, so here's how each debate goes in this class.

[30:23] Josh goes, hey, we have a universe, who created it?

[30:27] God did.

[30:28] Kevin Sorbo goes, well, but Stephen Hawking said the universe created itself.

[30:32] And Josh is like, I'm stumped.

[30:34] Next week, hey, I found another quote that says Stephen Hawking's wrong.

[30:38] Really?

[30:39] You doubt Stephen Hawking?

[30:40] Then who created the universe?

[30:42] God did.

[30:42] I disagree.

[30:43] That is the level they're on the entire time.

[30:46] Yeah.

[30:47] They're not titans of debate.

[30:50] This is not exactly the Lincoln-Douglas debates.

[30:54] As the debates wear on, the professor becomes a little bit disturbed.

[30:59] He starts pacing around in the background.

[31:01] He starts cornering the kid outside the thing and grabbing him by the scrubber.

[31:07] He takes out a little too much tension by belittling his girlfriend in front

[31:11] of all his colleagues at a dinner party.

[31:13] And she breaks up with him.

[31:15] But here's the argument of the movie.

[31:18] Science can't explain everything in the universe, or at least it hasn't yet.

[31:22] So therefore, Jesus must be the Lord.

[31:25] And it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[31:26] There's a lot of steps in between there that you're not really getting.

[31:31] And let's make it clear.

[31:33] As podcast hosts, we're not necessarily a-religious people.

[31:38] We've got our different religious traditions, certainly.

[31:41] But we're not denying that.

[31:43] You're a Christian.

[31:43] I'm Jewish.

[31:44] And Stuart, of course, worships Qumran.

[31:46] He's a Juggalo Qumranist.

[31:48] He's well-established.

[31:49] He's a Juggalo Qumran Old Gods worshiper.

[31:55] Yeah, I was just sitting here with a little bit of Howard the Duck thrown in.

[31:59] Really?

[32:00] I mean, that doesn't make any sense.

[32:01] Well, that's how I center myself, by practicing the art of quack-fu.

[32:05] But Howard the Duck is literally lost in a world he never made.

[32:08] If he didn't make the world, certainly only God did.

[32:10] But here's the thing.

[32:11] But our argument is not necessarily with religion in particular.

[32:16] It's the shitty arguments that are being made.

[32:19] But also, the whole idea of, he should say, the argument in this movie should be...

[32:22] It's because it's barely a movie, I think, is why we're unhappy.

[32:24] It is also barely a movie.

[32:25] It's like a pamphlet that is being acted out.

[32:27] With, like, Duck Dynasty guys and, what, the Newsboys?

[32:31] DC Talk?

[32:32] Which one was in this one?

[32:33] Newsboys.

[32:33] Striper?

[32:37] Here's the thing.

[32:38] His argument should be, he says, why don't you prove God exists?

[32:41] And he should say, I can't, but I don't have to.

[32:44] Because it's about faith and the ineffable.

[32:47] And the whole concept is that there are certain things in the universe

[32:50] that you can feel but not prove scientifically.

[32:54] They don't have a factual basis.

[32:56] They have something deeper inside you that's metaphysical, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[32:59] Like, you can make that case in a movie and I'd say, like, you know what?

[33:03] I can totally understand that.

[33:04] And I would like to live in a universe where there are things that

[33:07] cold, hard science can't totally explain and it leaves a spark of the divine somewhere.

[33:13] But if he takes on the case of, I'm going to prove God exists,

[33:16] and his proof is just that Stephen Hawking was wrong when Stephen Hawking said a dumb thing.

[33:20] Like, I got to say, nobody wins this round.

[33:23] But also, I mean, I think that part of the problem, too,

[33:25] is that the movie sets up such a strong man in the case of Kevin Sorbo.

[33:33] I haven't seen a strong man like that since Return to Oz.

[33:35] OK, well, thanks.

[33:36] Is Scarecrow in that?

[33:37] Maybe I'm being a TikTok clockwork man.

[33:40] Yeah.

[33:41] All I remember is Prusa Balk getting a lot of shock therapy.

[33:45] By watching the movie Shock Therapy.

[33:49] With What's-Her-Face from Suspiria.

[33:52] Anyway, moving on.

[33:54] Vanessa Redgrave.

[33:55] Yeah.

[33:57] So anyway, at the end of the movie, it's basically revealed that Kevin Sorbo is mad at God because...

[34:04] Because his mother passed away when he was a kid.

[34:06] ...from cancer and he tried to deal with God and God did not rescue his mom.

[34:10] Yeah, and this is dramatically revealed in front of the class.

[34:14] He goes, yes, I hate God.

[34:15] I hate God.

[34:16] And he goes, how can you hate someone who doesn't exist?

[34:20] Roasted.

[34:21] But I fucking hate Gambit.

[34:23] He doesn't exist.

[34:23] Like, my hatred of Gambit doesn't prove that Gambit is real.

[34:27] But also...

[34:28] I don't like Phantom X, another X-Men character who's basically French Gambit,

[34:32] which is stupid because Gambit's already Cajun.

[34:33] But anyway, it doesn't mean they exist.

[34:36] But him losing the case also was totally based on any number of,

[34:40] like, shitty courtroom dramas where someone just needles into someone into being angry

[34:45] and then they admit something on the stand.

[34:47] I mean, like, the most clear antecedent was, like, A Few Good Men,

[34:53] like, you can't handle the truth.

[34:54] But, like, it goes back to the beginning of courtroom dramas.

[34:57] I mean, 12 Angry Men kind of has that every episode of, like, Ironsides or Perry Mason.

[35:03] So, but that was...

[35:05] And a little thing called Hamlet, Dan.

[35:08] I think Columbo does.

[35:11] Yeah.

[35:11] Christopher Columbo, the cross-eyed detective who discovered America.

[35:18] Just one more thing, Queen Isabella.

[35:21] If this is a route to the Indies, how come these guys aren't Indian but, in fact, Native American?

[35:27] Although that makes a lot of sense.

[35:28] That's very cool.

[35:29] I mean, it's obviously Mr. Columbo.

[35:33] The point is that Spice is...

[35:35] Oh, I can't...

[35:37] Oh, Christopher Columbo!

[35:39] One more thing, one more thing.

[35:41] King Ferdinand.

[35:42] If the world is flat, how come my boat didn't fall off it?

[35:46] Well, maybe you went underneath the world.

[35:48] That makes a lot of sense.

[35:50] Just one more thing.

[35:52] Surely a flat surface has two sides and you could travel on either.

[35:56] You know what?

[35:59] Anyway, so, yeah, he gets Kevin Sorbo mad, which proves that God exists.

[36:03] Yep.

[36:03] The movie should be over, right?

[36:05] Well, it's not.

[36:06] What's gonna happen?

[36:07] Oh, we still have to have a big concert.

[36:09] We gotta have, like, the intersection of all things, like you do in any fucking crash movie.

[36:13] Oh, there was a subplot we forgot, which is the pastor, the reverend...

[36:17] Oh my God, how did we forget the longest thing ever?

[36:20] Who is hosting an African missionary, and they're gonna go to Disneyland,

[36:24] and their car keeps breaking down.

[36:25] They just spend the whole movie in traffic in some way or another.

[36:28] Well, not even getting into traffic.

[36:29] They just spend the whole movie going from one car to another as the batteries won't start.

[36:33] But it turns out it was all an act of God, because if they had made it on their vacation,

[36:39] who would be there to help Kevin Sorbo find Christ

[36:43] when he is hit by a car in a rainstorm and on the verge of death?

[36:46] As he's hustling to make it to that, uh...

[36:50] Newsboys concert that every other character's at.

[36:53] Also, when Kevin Sorbo broke down, all the students in class got up and said,

[36:57] God is not dead.

[36:59] And, like, literally all of them.

[37:00] Which means that this class is just looking,

[37:02] they're just gonna go with whoever's on top at the moment.

[37:04] Do you think the tour manager for the Newsboys was like,

[37:08] Holy shit, dude, I just heard this story about this entire class

[37:11] deciding to be Christian all of a sudden.

[37:13] We need to book a show there tonight.

[37:14] Tonight, let's make this happen.

[37:17] Because they even address the entire college.

[37:19] Like, is that a Christian school?

[37:21] There's a video from the Duck Dynasty guy talking about this professor,

[37:26] and he asks everybody in the audience to text God is not dead to everyone in their phones.

[37:31] And one of those people is the dead Kevin Sorbo.

[37:34] Which, again, feels like God is just pissing on the corpse at that point.

[37:38] I mean, it was raining.

[37:40] The only thing, the way it could have been more in your face is if it said,

[37:43] like, God is not dead, booyah.

[37:45] Like, that was God just wagging his dick in the face of a man he just killed with a car.

[37:52] Yeah, can you smell what God is cooking?

[37:54] I'm dead, and that makes two of us.

[37:56] Lightning bolt.

[37:57] We have one movie villain dead, then.

[38:00] And one, I'm guessing, gonna die?

[38:02] The Cancer Girl?

[38:02] No, the Cancer Girl has discovered faith now.

[38:05] She prays with the Newsboys.

[38:06] So the Newsboys suck the cancer out of her like they're sand eaters or something?

[38:10] Like the Green Mile, yeah.

[38:12] She could spell it as a legion of locust demons.

[38:15] They sell her cancer into a herd of pigs, which runs off a cliff.

[38:19] I also want to bring up another thing that happens at the end of this movie,

[38:22] which is Dean Cain goes to visit his Alzheimer's mom,

[38:28] and Alzheimer's mom, out of nowhere, is like...

[38:31] Mom-zimers.

[38:32] Yeah, she's like, out of nowhere, she goes,

[38:34] sometimes the devil creates a jail that's like a gilded cage

[38:39] where everything is too comfortable and you would never leave.

[38:42] And he's like, yeah, I know, Mom, I saw Ibsen's The Dollhouse.

[38:45] Yeah.

[38:47] Which was...

[38:49] My problem with this was like...

[38:51] She actually phrases it in a much better way than I've reiterated here.

[38:54] It was actually a way of like...

[38:55] Yeah, who really has Alzheimer's, Dan?

[38:57] Probably me.

[38:58] But it was in a way that genuinely kind of was well-written,

[39:03] and I might find moving as a piece of sort of...

[39:06] Not philosophy, but like a theological argument that...

[39:10] Something you might read in an essay.

[39:11] Except for the fact that this movie has put it into the mouth of this woman with dementia

[39:20] in a rare moment of clarity.

[39:22] Like, we're supposed to be like,

[39:24] oh, it's a miracle that this fictional character had this clear moment

[39:28] where she speaks God's truth.

[39:30] I'm like, no, it's not a miracle you wrote it that way.

[39:33] Like, you can't just be like,

[39:35] wow, it's pretty crazy that this crazy lady said this awesome thing

[39:39] when you're like, no, you made it up.

[39:41] It's all made up.

[39:42] It's all made up, guys.

[39:43] I got this great exposition, but I can't fit it into this movie.

[39:46] Oh, wait, let me invent this Alzheimer's mom.

[39:51] Yeah.

[39:54] A movie has to achieve such a high bar to write a character...

[40:00] doing something and then expect you to take it as

[40:02] like a yeah i'm meaningful

[40:04] sickness god's wisdom that has been received somehow hope yeah

[40:08] i mean it's the ones that once again i mean it's not the like the sentiment

[40:11] itself is not terrible just delivered terribly yeah yeah

[40:15] it's a poor it's a poor medium for that message

[40:18] before vessel

[40:20] so i mean i think we've pretty much gone through the uh...

[40:23] of but everyone's everyone's happy at the end of god's ready and the new

[40:26] and i think we hear like

[40:28] ten eleven twenty five

[40:30] hundred elizabeth's i don't think every i think you think the movie's over

[40:34] they start saying that it's not it's almost like

[40:36] the newsboys that they're making a concert film

[40:38] and date nobody told them or maybe the news was kind of feeling like

[40:43] is was not very good we better had this thing out with some crazy story about

[40:47] college professors and

[40:48] bad boyfriends

[40:51] yeah bad boyfriend the movie

[40:53] uh... so let's market that right next to uh... that that's not good

[40:58] we run that we run very long uh... let's move on to final judgment movie is this

[41:02] a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie kinda like i'm gonna start off

[41:06] uh... i want to say i want to say that this is

[41:10] a good bad movie because it's so ridiculously

[41:14] but it's too boring for that i'm gonna say the bad bad movie

[41:18] what do you guys think i'm gonna say that also i mean the thing is it's for

[41:21] one of these have to move is it's pretty professionally made yeah it

[41:24] doesn't look bad

[41:26] the sound doesn't use it is a great music is terrible but uh...

[41:31] but like the music is terrible just as it's cliche movie music so like

[41:34] suspiciously and i think i was waiting in the shadows and i think i was like i

[41:38] do from god's like him

[41:40] did you do

[41:42] but there's a lot like

[41:42] the story is done and the writing is bad and just the fact that they're like

[41:46] a bunch of

[41:47] multicultural characters were brought in basically just to have them

[41:51] submit to the to

[41:53] white american christian will yes is kinda gross

[41:57] i mean it can be uh... it's like it is it it's all of the but the heroes

[42:00] probably gonna end up with that that middle eastern girl and she's better

[42:04] looking than his

[42:05] other girlfriend that's true no look faith in god allowed him to trade up

[42:08] certainly

[42:10] and she and

[42:11] she just has to do with the fact that she had now it is x exiled from her

[42:14] family so

[42:16] yet she has nothing now or or or a very sweet boyfriend that uh...

[42:20] so i'm gonna say bad bad

[42:23] don't put words in my mouth and

[42:26] this is really was strong that

[42:30] so let's move on

[42:31] before we get on to uh... let transition

[42:34] there's a a master treat those almost as good as your last transition

[42:38] hey here's the thing

[42:40] i did hear what they're talking about that was a good idea was uh... one

[42:45] they've heard uh... told him they're all but i don't know i think they'll

[42:49] never grow

[42:50] it is a

[42:50] madman

[42:52] he had a giant magma cock

[42:54] but i don't know that it's all you know is that that's a classy dessert yeah

[42:58] uncle multi they used to call him

[43:01] he sold a lot of dvds because he was so hot he would melt them

[43:04] he would have to get a new one

[43:06] so molten pearl

[43:08] before we move on a little it is on the cigars with the heat of his mouth

[43:13] before we move on

[43:15] a couple pieces of this is one of the great joke stealers

[43:17] because he would throw lava at you if you complained sounds like a rival

[43:21] space gangster who battled pizza the hutt

[43:25] first off an announcement i know how to deal with hecklers i just burst them into

[43:29] flames when you complain about how late you're getting back to your newborn child

[43:34] just remember

[43:35] the time you wasted just remember you should say words correctly the first time

[43:40] so anyway

[43:41] before he uh... would you like for dessert i'll have the molten pearl please

[43:45] that's going to take thirty minutes

[43:47] i'll wait until it arrives at the starling molten

[43:51] you just gave me someone else's who decided they didn't want theirs

[43:55] uh...

[43:56] so

[43:57] first off

[43:58] uh... first off waltz two time academy award winning guy big announcement

[44:03] uh... we're having another flop house live event with our pals over

[44:06] at i love bad movies

[44:08] we're screening the lindsey lohan

[44:11] thriller blurred thriller i know who killed me chiller on saturday

[44:16] phyllis dillard

[44:19] uh... the show's now what day is that saturday saturday october eighteenth the

[44:23] show starts at eight

[44:24] but you should get there about half an hour early to find a seat or food and

[44:28] watch the pre-show it's at the yonkers alamo draft house we can get food i

[44:32] recommend the molten chocolate chip cookies made with real pearl

[44:37] that's uh... that's at

[44:39] twenty five forty eight central park avenue yonkers new york

[44:43] uh... but this information is all at our website

[44:46] what does podcast dot com

[44:48] it's too bad that it's too bad that you have to pay for an entire seat when

[44:52] you're only going to need

[44:53] the edge

[44:54] but the payment is going to need

[44:56] you choose the edge to sit on

[44:58] is uh... it's twelve dollars for the show which features as well

[45:02] twelve dollars

[45:03] you'd pay that just to see a movie without commentary on your favorite

[45:06] i'd pay twelve dollars just to spend five moments basking in dan mccoy's

[45:10] facelight

[45:12] thank you

[45:13] but

[45:15] you get

[45:16] and in addition to watching uh... the lindsey lohan new classic new bland

[45:21] bad movie classic

[45:22] i know it killed me

[45:24] uh... a slideshow presentation by i love bad movies and running commentary by us

[45:29] the host of the flop house we will not shut up the whole time and a special

[45:33] guest

[45:34] for flop house fans

[45:36] stewart knows what i'm talking about

[45:38] i think they do

[45:40] you made that into a threat are we allowed to say who the special guest is

[45:43] i don't know

[45:44] we'll talk about it next time

[45:45] people are going to think it's like lindsey lohan

[45:47] well that'd be great it's not though

[45:48] so we'd look this is the last flop house live performance of the year i think

[45:52] probably right sure i mean we're going to do another one before

[45:55] october eighteenth we'll do another one probably in january we didn't take the podcast guys

[45:59] wait a minute

[46:01] but uh... it's going to be great i don't feel me if you haven't seen it

[46:04] is hilariously stupid and it's it'll be great as i was the first episode you're

[46:07] ever on i think that's true it'll be a flop house the homecoming that's right

[46:12] perhaps

[46:13] i'll share a few flop memories

[46:15] with the audience adorable

[46:17] but uh... again adorkable

[46:19] before moving on to letters one more piece of business

[46:22] what's that going to announce pizza business another pizza business

[46:27] uh... it's called leonardo it's called danano's pizza from the teenage mutant ninja turtles

[46:33] i'd like a pizza delivered to me

[46:35] uh... so if you're listening to this throw a pizza through a time portal

[46:39] so we can go back to when we were recording this

[46:41] you've probably seen turtles in time i'd like whatever they use to get back in time i don't remember

[46:45] get that japanese magic thingy that they use send me some canadian bacon and some ooze on a pizza

[46:50] so you can what make a canadian bacon mutant

[46:54] no the uh... what i wanted to say

[46:56] is that bebop rocksteady

[46:58] new contest new contest guys i'm announcing a nude contest nude contest be naked

[47:05] uh... as much as i would like to announce a nude contest i feel like

[47:10] it would be frowned upon i feel like we'll eventually get to a point where you're like our new contest is

[47:14] send me a picture of your boobs

[47:15] i mean if you want to sure but that's not the contest the contest is

[47:21] song of the autumn we all remember

[47:24] last year that the song of the autumn

[47:26] was he's the house cat parenthesis arthur's theme

[47:30] but we need it was on the tip of everybody's ear balls

[47:34] it's a new autumn

[47:35] and we need a new song

[47:37] for that autumn

[47:39] uh... so what i'm challenging you autumn sonata if you will

[47:43] i'm challenging you all

[47:45] to uh... you have so much audio

[47:48] from us the flop house co-host you've got

[47:51] hours and hours of it over the last seven years

[47:54] take that audio take what's available to you

[47:58] put it with a a backing track

[48:00] auto tune it don't auto tune it a fronting track loop it

[48:04] whatever you need to do to turn into a song

[48:08] just make a song

[48:09] uh... starring us the flop house

[48:12] the songs should have at least some vocals from all three of us

[48:16] but beyond that

[48:17] the sky's the limit could be any style use some guest hosts

[48:21] yeah gospel

[48:22] uh... gospel zydeco

[48:25] or agostico

[48:27] uh... but uh...

[48:29] what you gotta do is you gotta uh... once you've made your song put it up on

[48:33] soundcloud so we can embed it on our own site

[48:36] and then send us a link

[48:38] at flophousepodcast dot g uh... sorry flophousepodcast at gmail dot com

[48:44] with the subject line

[48:48] flophouse song contest in all caps

[48:52] does it really have to be in all caps?

[48:54] well it doesn't have to be i'm not going to police that

[48:58] it's just easier for you to read

[49:01] great i don't need to get my reading glasses

[49:04] remember to read the ancient roman way of all capitals flophousepodcast dot com

[49:09] flophousepodcast at gmail dot com

[49:12] twice in a row i can't say it right

[49:14] after the review of the movie you did today jesus christ will not be helping you pronounce that name

[49:17] great so all right here's the thing flophousepodcast at gmail dot com

[49:21] the deadline to get those songs in

[49:24] is october first

[49:26] and we will

[49:28] make the songs available on our website

[49:30] for folks to vote on

[49:32] voting period being october the second through october the thirteenth

[49:37] this has all been tied to our release schedule i've looked at our calendar

[49:41] good because i don't look at calendars

[49:43] ever since calendar man tried to get me

[49:46] and then on the podcast episode dropping october eighteenth

[49:51] the second and last episode in october

[49:54] and coincidentally the same date as our live show

[49:57] listen to the episode while you drive up to the live show

[49:59] yeah why not

[50:00] the superfan. We will announce the winner on that episode on October the 18th.

[50:05] And what will you get? Well, the winning song will be played at the end of the episode that

[50:11] drops on November 1st, and the winner will get a t-shirt and get to pick a movie

[50:16] that we will talk about on the show. Please don't make it God's Not Dead.

[50:21] No. I mean, that would be weird. Walking with dinosaurs.

[50:26] Yeah. Don't give them the idea that they get to do the same episodes over again.

[50:32] So that's so. Flophouse contest. Take our audio, make it into a song, music it up,

[50:37] you Mozart's out there. Yeah. Send it to us. We'll put it up on the site. It'll get voted on,

[50:42] and the winner of the vote decides the movie we watch and gets a shirt. A Flophouse shirt?

[50:48] Yeah. Not just like a nice polo?

[50:50] No. Not just like a Jack Spade shirt.

[50:53] Not like one of those enormous Johnson t-shirts kids used to wear?

[50:57] Yeah. They both exist. All three of them. There's more than one penis pun.

[51:03] But here's what I'll say. You get a co-ed naked flopping shirt.

[51:07] If you didn't get all of those rules, don't despair. Go to our website,

[51:12] FlophousePodcast.com. I will stick all of those rules up there.

[51:18] Ideally, I want to be some kind of like Mugs character from Cypress Hill.

[51:23] But he just repeats what you guys say in the background.

[51:27] If you can make me sound like one of the guys from Sparks.

[51:34] I think it's time, however, to move on to letters from listeners.

[51:38] Letters. It's letters time, but it's also pretty late, so this is gonna be a pretty short letters

[51:45] song. Pretty late letters song. It's late letters, letters, late letters after dark.

[51:51] Letters after dark. Sexy letters after dark.

[51:57] Really laying on this Mugs character, huh?

[52:00] Elliot and Mugs reading the letters with Dan after dark. It's so late.

[52:09] Watch out for a werewolf because that's how dark and late it is.

[52:13] Werewolf.

[52:16] All right, well, show this first letter.

[52:19] Letter the first. First it up. First course in the letter meal.

[52:24] Eat up those letters, but this one first. It's in a moose bush of letters.

[52:29] Appetizer.

[52:31] Thanks.

[52:32] Small plate.

[52:33] Okay, well, this is from Kathy Lastname Withheld, and she writes...

[52:35] Hey, Ack!

[52:38] She writes, Dear Flophouse.

[52:41] Ack!

[52:42] My boyfriend Irving won't marry me.

[52:44] Ack!

[52:45] All this sweat flying off of my head.

[52:47] Chocolate.

[52:48] I have a dog, and that's all I know about Kathy.

[52:52] So, no, what she really writes is,

[52:55] You once read a letter about movie scenes that frightened you as children.

[52:59] It got me thinking about my own scarifying movie moments, and then I started thinking

[53:02] about scenes in movies I saw as a kid that made me deeply sad.

[53:08] Dan, I like to imagine that you, too, were a somewhat depressive child, so maybe...

[53:13] Well, judging by your adulthood, yes.

[53:16] So maybe you can identify with the feeling of becoming aware of this vast reservoir of

[53:20] sorrow and despair that existed in the world, which you didn't quite understand, but you

[53:25] felt, perhaps in the form of an invisible weight on your shoulders or a faint nausea

[53:29] in your stomach.

[53:30] For me, it was a scene in The NeverEnding Story when Atreyu's horse dies that made me

[53:35] feel the first twinges of awareness that the world is a terrible, unfair, miserable place.

[53:41] Not just the world of the story, but this world.

[53:44] The world where I had to be in the room and watch this happening.

[53:47] The NeverEnding Story is a pretty obvious choice.

[53:49] The horse just says to not give up, though, dude.

[53:52] Yeah, well, it didn't.

[53:54] Didn't not give up.

[53:55] It gave up.

[53:56] Yeah.

[53:57] The NeverEnding Story is a pretty obvious choice, as is Old Yeller.

[54:00] What were some other scenes in movies that you guys saw as children that made you want

[54:03] to kill yourself, Stuart and Elliot?

[54:05] I like to imagine that you are more on the happy-go-lucky scale than Dan, but there had

[54:09] to be something.

[54:11] Maybe there was a scene in Castle Freak Babies that made you a little wistful, Stuart.

[54:15] Thanks for all the laughs.

[54:16] I really love you guys.

[54:17] Kathy, last name with L.

[54:19] Thanks, Kathy.

[54:20] Thanks for listening.

[54:20] We love you, too.

[54:21] Oh, boy.

[54:22] I'm going to go first.

[54:23] The saddest thing I remember watching as a kid was in the animated Return of the King

[54:29] movie when Gollum dies.

[54:32] It's the saddest thing.

[54:34] I remember going into my bedroom and just sitting on my bed and crying that this poor

[54:38] bastard had to die.

[54:41] Oh, man.

[54:42] Mine was also animated.

[54:43] It was the scene in Dumbo where his mother has been locked up in the jail wagon, and

[54:50] he's crying, and she sings Baby Mine to him and curls her trunk around him, and he's got

[54:55] these big, very solid tears coming out of his face.

[54:59] As a little boy, the saddest thing I could think of would be to be locked away from my

[55:04] mother, basically, or have her locked away from me.

[55:06] It's really sad.

[55:07] It affects me even today.

[55:09] But as an adult, it takes very little to make me cry at a movie.

[55:13] I've told you guys my story about the Iron Giant, right?

[55:16] No.

[55:16] I mean, the animation is beautiful.

[55:18] I mean, every time I see the Iron Giant, I cry.

[55:21] Every time I see it, I cry.

[55:23] When I was first dating my now wife, we were showing each other movies that meant a lot

[55:28] to us, and I said, I want to show the Iron Giant.

[55:30] She's like, all right.

[55:31] And I'm like, just so you know, I'm going to warn you, I'm going to cry at this.

[55:34] And when it was over, she was like, I didn't think you were going to cry that much.

[55:36] Just sheets of water falling down my face.

[55:40] But I was in college when Iron Giant came out.

[55:43] I wasn't a kid when that came out.

[55:44] Ellie, you genuinely stole the one that I was going to say.

[55:48] That was literally the thing.

[55:49] I'm sorry.

[55:50] He's going to cry about you stealing it.

[55:53] No, it's double sad.

[55:55] When I was a kid, that was the saddest thing I think I'd ever seen.

[55:58] But no, I agree.

[55:59] I mean, I will confirm with Kathy that I was, and remain, a sort of depressed person.

[56:05] You can tell your story about Dumbo.

[56:08] No, no, no, it's fine.

[56:09] Whatever.

[56:09] It's, you know, it's not important.

[56:10] Sad.

[56:11] Now, as a grown man, basically, if I see that Tom Hanks is in the movie, I'm like,

[56:16] fuck, dude.

[56:17] I might cry at this one.

[56:19] Really?

[56:19] I mean, the thing is...

[56:20] Like Larry Crown?

[56:21] Well, no, but like, look at fucking Toy Story 3 and fucking the end of Captain Phillips.

[56:25] I couldn't help it.

[56:26] Yeah, Captain Phillips, man.

[56:27] That fucking tore me apart.

[56:27] It's brutal, man.

[56:28] It was rough.

[56:29] That was brutal, yeah.

[56:30] Toy Story 3?

[56:32] Yeah, Toy Story 3, yeah.

[56:33] They just hold each other's hands, man.

[56:35] It's crazy.

[56:37] I think the saddest thing about that moment in Toy Story 3 was that like...

[56:40] I saw that movie in the theater with Dan, and we're both like crying with our wives.

[56:44] They're like, why are these guys crying?

[56:46] Seeing that, and being like, I could totally see the movie ending this way,

[56:51] and them being melted down and becoming new toys, but it'd be the saddest thing in the world.

[56:56] So just them...

[56:57] Sure, it's something like, what, like Mobius strip, where they're like...

[57:01] Oh, yeah, yeah, they can never rest.

[57:02] Their souls are forever wandering in the form of toys.

[57:05] But yeah, them all holding hands as they're going to the flames.

[57:09] That was super sad, yeah.

[57:10] I was crying in that, sure.

[57:12] But I wasn't like...

[57:13] No, I was crying way harder, dude.

[57:15] But I wasn't like, Tom Hanks, you got me again.

[57:19] That thing you do is make me cry.

[57:21] It's easier for me to like...

[57:23] I mean, part of it is just like, it's been a while.

[57:25] It's easier for me to remember things as an adult that make me sad,

[57:29] or things that have consistently made me sad

[57:32] when I watch movies that I like over and over again.

[57:35] I always tear up at the end of Raising Arizona when Nicolas Cage has his long monologue,

[57:42] or for whatever reason...

[57:44] Most Wes Anderson movies have a moment that make me tear up.

[57:48] But for some reason, of all of them,

[57:52] the most consistent one might be actually The Life Aquatic,

[57:57] where at the end, when Bill Murray looks at the tiger shark and says,

[58:00] I wonder if he remembers me.

[58:03] And that's one where it makes me sad,

[58:04] because I just can't explain why it's affecting me so emotionally.

[58:08] But it...

[58:08] I can't explain it either.

[58:10] To something...

[58:11] What a stinker.

[58:12] Yeah, all right.

[58:13] What do you mean?

[58:14] I like that movie.

[58:16] I'm just fucking with you.

[58:17] But yeah.

[58:19] No, it's safe to assume that we're all, you know...

[58:22] We're all softies at heart.

[58:23] We're all...

[58:24] Yeah, our hearts are on our sleeves.

[58:26] Since we're all grown-up man children.

[58:27] Which is terrible.

[58:28] It's a terrible medical condition to have our hearts on our sleeves,

[58:31] which is not even part of our body.

[58:33] Yeah, it's like it's a super weakness, dude.

[58:36] It means that our heart...

[58:37] If you bump into someone on the subway in the wrong way, it could kill you.

[58:39] We're like one of those monsters in one of those games

[58:41] where you have a gun and you're shooting at them,

[58:44] and all of a sudden the game pauses, and it's like,

[58:46] shoot that place, dude.

[58:48] Yeah, we're like the angels on a sleeve.

[58:48] Why doesn't it have armor on it?

[58:50] Yes, exactly like the angels on a sleeve.

[58:53] Fall apart.

[58:55] The next letter, though.

[58:56] Just a bunch of sleeve hearts.

[58:57] From...

[58:57] Letter number two.

[59:00] Charlie Lastang with Pebbles.

[59:00] This would be the pasta course in an Italian letter segment.

[59:04] Secundi.

[59:05] He writes,

[59:07] Stuart, don't worry, I've got your back.

[59:09] Good.

[59:10] Oh, we were looking for your back.

[59:11] This guy's got it.

[59:13] First, let me just state how weird it is

[59:15] the two major controversies that have arisen

[59:17] in the long-storied history of the Flophouse

[59:20] both revolve around Stuart's failure to accurately explain

[59:23] some factor regarding a monster's gym's failure.

[59:26] This is not about Ding Dong Gate.

[59:28] Ding Dong Gate and Wormy Boner Gate?

[59:29] Crypt Keeper's Boner Gate?

[59:31] This is about the recent controversy

[59:32] about the Crypt Keeper's penis.

[59:34] In a recent letter, someone chided Stuart...

[59:38] I think I'm going to get...

[59:38] Wait, I think I might get whiplash

[59:40] from the emotional content of the last letter and this one.

[59:43] Someone chided Stuart for having

[59:45] two different versions of Morbid Dong,

[59:48] but I can prove that not only is Stuart right

[59:51] in both of his penis interpretations,

[59:53] but I can prove it within the continuity of Tales from the Fish.

[59:56] I think we're going to need Kevin Swordbone to come in here.

[1:00:00] and adjudicate this matter.

[1:00:02] That's like if the subtext of Conan the Barbarian was just like brought out a little too obviously

[1:00:08] that a character's sword bone.

[1:00:10] Some beautiful wench with alabaster skin and black flowing hair.

[1:00:16] We start in the past.

[1:00:17] I'm going to kill this wizard with my dick and then have sex with you.

[1:00:20] We start in the past, specifically during the golden age of easy comics

[1:00:24] and the collected Taint the Meat, It's the Humanity,

[1:00:27] the collected Jack Davis, we see about halfway through the book

[1:00:31] the secret origin of the Cryptkeeper.

[1:00:33] I'll keep it short, but an Egyptian mummy escapes from a traveling sideshow,

[1:00:37] steals the pickled corpse of an inbred zombie redneck,

[1:00:40] gets married to it, does the horizontal monster mash,

[1:00:44] and gives birth to a very much alive Cryptkeeper.

[1:00:47] Wait, so he was dead from birth?

[1:00:49] I guess.

[1:00:50] The Cryptkeeper didn't become a zombie until much later in his career.

[1:00:54] What does all this have to do with the seaman's junk?

[1:00:57] Well, pigs are associated in myth with the Egyptian god Set,

[1:01:02] Set who cut off his brother Osiris' penis.

[1:01:05] Osiris was the Egyptian god of the afterlife.

[1:01:07] Story checks out.

[1:01:08] I thought Anubis was the, oh no, Osiris I guess is king of the afterlife

[1:01:11] and Anubis is just the judge.

[1:01:12] Whose purview included mummification.

[1:01:15] The judge in Egypt Night Court in which Harry Anubis is the, you know,

[1:01:21] books prostitutes into the afterlife.

[1:01:23] So he's the jackal-headed god.

[1:01:25] Osiris has what, the like falcon?

[1:01:27] No, the falcon is Horus or Ra, right?

[1:01:30] Osiris, I don't remember what his animal head is.

[1:01:33] Is it like a crane?

[1:01:34] No, it's like a crane.

[1:01:35] Yeah, I think so.

[1:01:36] Like a Harry Crane.

[1:01:37] Is Sobek the alligator head?

[1:01:41] Yeah, Sobek is the alligator.

[1:01:43] And what, who's the cat?

[1:01:45] That starts with a B, right?

[1:01:46] That's the house cat.

[1:01:47] Yeah.

[1:01:48] As Osiris.

[1:01:49] Bast, Bast.

[1:01:50] Bast are the were-cats in the World of Darkness role-playing game.

[1:01:55] You're welcome, guys.

[1:01:56] Anyway, he continues,

[1:01:58] As Osiris on pretty rough terms with Set,

[1:02:00] it makes perfect sense that he would curse the blasphemous offspring of one of the mummies

[1:02:05] by mutilating its genitals.

[1:02:07] Why?

[1:02:08] Because when the mummy and the redneck got married,

[1:02:10] it was in a Christian church which spits in the face of the mummy's traditional Osiris-en upbringing.

[1:02:16] Could have been a Coptic Christian.

[1:02:18] Boom.

[1:02:19] And his pigs reminded him of his traitorous brother.

[1:02:22] It would make sense he would use the pig's own tails as an inspiration for his cruelty.

[1:02:28] So while CK was a living being, he had a curly penis.

[1:02:32] When he died, however, his father's zombie redneck genes kicked in

[1:02:36] and turned his penis into a Slim Jim.

[1:02:38] You know what happens when you die, your genes kick in?

[1:02:41] One, because he's a zombie.

[1:02:43] And two, because rednecks love Slim Jims.

[1:02:46] If there's a Flophouse equivalent of a no prize, I'll gladly accept it.

[1:02:50] Charlie, last name, pal.

[1:02:52] I want to award you an honorary Floph prize,

[1:02:54] which is a word for people who have wasted their and our time.

[1:02:58] Excellent work doing that.

[1:03:01] What was his name, Charlie?

[1:03:02] Yeah.

[1:03:03] Thanks, Charlie, for writing in.

[1:03:04] And reminding me of that great Tales from the Crypt comic.

[1:03:07] Yeah, it's pretty good.

[1:03:09] So last letter of the evening is from the last one.

[1:03:13] So would this be the main course or the dessert?

[1:03:15] Are we not getting dessert?

[1:03:16] Is this preemie?

[1:03:18] Is this a preemie?

[1:03:19] Is this our pre-theater prikes fix?

[1:03:22] No, I think this is panna cotta.

[1:03:24] You're having panna cotta.

[1:03:26] I don't like panna cotta.

[1:03:27] I'm sorry, this is what you've got to have.

[1:03:29] You're not going to like this panna cotta even more in a second.

[1:03:32] Oh, man.

[1:03:33] This better not be the panna cotta I think this is from.

[1:03:35] Or is it going to be snore shadowing?

[1:03:37] David, last name of hell, Elliot's brother.

[1:03:41] Oh, God, the worst panna cotta.

[1:03:43] I wrote a letter into the show regarding your abduction episode.

[1:03:46] So many of his letters start with,

[1:03:48] why didn't you answer my previous letter?

[1:03:50] Where's my elephant?

[1:03:52] Where's my elephant?

[1:03:54] I wrote in about the abduction episode

[1:03:57] and the statues at PNC Park in Pittsburgh.

[1:04:00] Much of this centered around the bizarre statue of Hall of Fame slugger

[1:04:04] Ralph Kiner's hands holding a bat and nothing else.

[1:04:08] Well, you may or may not know.

[1:04:11] Even though holding a bat and nothing else is not sexy,

[1:04:14] the phrase and nothing else is burned into my mind with meaning like nudity.

[1:04:18] Yep.

[1:04:19] Just any time I read long-time reader, first-time writer.

[1:04:23] You may or may not know that he passed away this February at the age of 91

[1:04:27] after 72 years in baseball as both a player

[1:04:31] and as an announcer for several decades for my painfully beloved New York Mets.

[1:04:37] I thought you might be interested to know.

[1:04:40] We're touching eulogy on this jerk podcast about nonsense.

[1:04:44] He was quite the playboy in his day.

[1:04:46] And among the women he is known to have dated in the 1950s and 60s

[1:04:49] were actresses Elizabeth Taylor and Janet Leigh.

[1:04:52] Not to mention ambassador to the UN and former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt.

[1:04:56] I can only assume he was a more stable boyfriend for Leigh

[1:04:59] than Captain Bennett Marco and the Manchurian candidate.

[1:05:02] Really getting the character and the actor mixed up there.

[1:05:05] David, last name with no.

[1:05:07] That was the whole letter.

[1:05:09] You know what?

[1:05:10] I'm willing to bet that this professional ball player, yes,

[1:05:13] was not a brainwashed veteran struggling with his memories

[1:05:17] of his comrades becoming a murderous assassin.

[1:05:22] But thank you all to everyone who wrote in.

[1:05:26] Except for maybe the last one.

[1:05:30] He won me over with the Manchurian candidate reference.

[1:05:33] I would say Manchurian candidate restaurant.

[1:05:35] That's a great idea.

[1:05:37] Why don't you pass the time by having a little solitaire cake?

[1:05:43] I would imagine it would be like an Asian fusion restaurant, right?

[1:05:45] Asian fusion fused with traditional American food.

[1:05:49] It would be like a Russian-Asian style, the American traditional food.

[1:05:53] You know, farm to table, of course.

[1:05:55] Yeah, it looks like a Bob Evans when you go in and it's all Russian and Chinese food.

[1:06:00] Every table has a pot of hydrangeas on it.

[1:06:04] But the last segment.

[1:06:05] The waitress always kisses you at the end of the meal,

[1:06:09] which is weird because she's your mom.

[1:06:12] Just like in the movie.

[1:06:14] Oh, what a great movie.

[1:06:15] Dan, why don't we watch that?

[1:06:17] That's a genuinely great movie.

[1:06:18] Outside of our purview.

[1:06:20] Sorry.

[1:06:22] But the last segment.

[1:06:23] You might like this.

[1:06:24] If you want to talk about good movies.

[1:06:26] This is where we recommend good movies that we've seen.

[1:06:30] I think that other people should watch them.

[1:06:32] Okay.

[1:06:33] So, Elliot, what do you got queued up?

[1:06:36] Recently, I watched a movie called God's Not Dead.

[1:06:39] It really opened my eyes to the fact that, et cetera.

[1:06:42] Anyway, I'd like to recommend them.

[1:06:44] You know what?

[1:06:45] I owe Dan an apology because here I am about to recommend a movie I saw where?

[1:06:50] In a theater in my own home?

[1:06:52] You guys are both going to fucking recommend plane movies again.

[1:06:55] Nope, it's a movie I saw on a plane.

[1:06:57] Closer to heaven, of course.

[1:06:59] The best movie I saw on a plane was the movie that Elliot's about to recommend.

[1:07:02] This is a movie I wanted to see in the theaters and I just happened to miss it.

[1:07:05] And luckily it was on a plane when I was.

[1:07:07] On a tiny little screen.

[1:07:08] On a tiny little screen.

[1:07:10] And I made the screen smaller because I used one of those Brazil magnifying glasses.

[1:07:14] But backwards.

[1:07:16] So instead of making a little screen big, I got a big screen made little.

[1:07:19] But the movie I watched was Jodorowsky's Dune.

[1:07:23] The documentary story of the ill-fated adaptation of Frank Herbert's Dune by Alejandro Jodorowsky,

[1:07:29] long known as the craziest director that people have heard of.

[1:07:33] And they interviewed a lot of interesting people in it.

[1:07:37] They managed to talk to H.R. Giger before he died.

[1:07:40] And they have some audio recording from Dan O'Bannon, who of course passed away years ago.

[1:07:45] But they talk about the interesting story about how Alejandro Jodorowsky,

[1:07:49] who at that point had a number of successful art films, El Topo and The Magic Mountain and whatnot.

[1:07:55] He decided he was going to make.

[1:07:57] That was Holy Mountain.

[1:07:58] Oh yeah, Holy Mountain, sorry.

[1:07:59] He decided he was going to make.

[1:08:01] Roasted.

[1:08:02] Totally correctified.

[1:08:04] He was going to make an adaptation of the book Dune.

[1:08:07] But he wasn't just going to do a straight adaptation.

[1:08:09] He was going to make a movie which in his words would raise the consciousness of a generation.

[1:08:13] And he came up with all these.

[1:08:15] What an asshole.

[1:08:16] He traveled the world putting together.

[1:08:18] He assembled like the craziest, greatest team of people.

[1:08:20] This team of what he called his warriors, which was like H.R. Giger and Dan O'Bannon and Pink Floyd and the band Magma.

[1:08:27] Moebius.

[1:08:29] And Moebius, or as he always says it, Moebius.

[1:08:32] Moebius, yeah.

[1:08:33] John Gouraud, the French comic artist.

[1:08:36] And also this cast that was never going to be able to stick together,

[1:08:39] which was made up of David Carradine, Mick Jagger, Orson Welles and Salvador Dali.

[1:08:45] And Alejandro Jodorowsky's own son and the part of Paul Atreides.

[1:08:49] And it's like this movie sounds crazy, it's bonkers all the way through.

[1:08:54] And of course it was never going to happen.

[1:08:56] But the story of how they almost got it put together and the amount of passion that he put into this work is really interesting.

[1:09:05] And they show you a number of shots of this book that they had printed and bound,

[1:09:10] which is the entire script and storyboard of what this movie would be.

[1:09:13] And the movie makes it sound like there's only a couple copies in existence.

[1:09:16] They sent copies of this book to all the studios in Hollywood and there are almost none left.

[1:09:22] And I haven't wanted to see a book this badly since I first learned about the Codex Seraphinianus.

[1:09:30] And since I now own the Codex Seraphinianus, a copy of it,

[1:09:33] I'm going to have to try to maybe own a copy of this Dune book if it's even possible, which it probably isn't.

[1:09:39] But after that movie came out, I was kind of like, why not just print up this book?

[1:09:43] Yeah, why not publish it?

[1:09:44] I don't know what kind of niche market the book would cost, like $400 or something.

[1:09:49] But it was just like this great look at a movie that I don't know if it really should have been made.

[1:09:54] It sounds like it would have been insane.

[1:09:56] And I love the book Dune and this movie would not have been Dune.

[1:10:00] David Lynch's version has come out and Alejandro Jodorowsky is so distraught because to him,

[1:10:24] David Lynch, as to all of us, is a great artist and he's like, oh no, he made this movie,

[1:10:28] what if he did it better than me?

[1:10:30] This great artist working with the same material and he doesn't want to see the movie and his

[1:10:33] family makes him go see it and he watches it and he's delighted to find that it is the

[1:10:37] shittiest movie and the delight in Alejandro Jodorowsky's face as he remembers how bad

[1:10:43] the movie was.

[1:10:45] His charisma is-

[1:10:46] He's such a charmer.

[1:10:47] He's so charming in the movie.

[1:10:48] He's so charismatic and charming throughout the movie even as he tells you this crazy

[1:10:51] nonsense and at one point talks about how it was his responsibility as the artist to

[1:10:56] rape the book of Dune in order to make his movie, like he's still charming and charismatic

[1:11:01] as he is-

[1:11:02] He's making this rape metaphor.

[1:11:03] As he is crazy and saying nonsense.

[1:11:05] So Jodorowsky's Dune, in many ways I think, might have been a more entertaining movie

[1:11:10] than if that version of Dune had gotten made.

[1:11:13] I would like to recommend a movie.

[1:11:15] I recommended a lot of movies last week that were Stephen Sondheim related and I'm actually

[1:11:22] going to continue this trend by recommending a movie called The Last of Sheila from 1973,

[1:11:30] which is the only movie written by Stephen Sondheim and the only movie written by Anthony

[1:11:36] Perkins and it stars such a 1970s cast.

[1:11:41] It's got Richard Benjamin, James Coburn, James Mason, Diane Cannon, Joan Hackett, Ian McShane

[1:11:48] and Raquel Welch.

[1:12:00] This is an interesting movie.

[1:12:02] It's one of these sort of like puzzle box, drawing room kind of mysteries even though

[1:12:08] it's set sort of mostly on a boat, not a drawing room, where James Coburn's wife has died many

[1:12:17] years before and he invites all these people to a party where he is going to play this

[1:12:23] game where it becomes clear over time that maybe he's trying to suss out who murdered

[1:12:30] his wife years before and it's just one of these sort of like very pleasurable puzzle

[1:12:37] box films.

[1:12:38] It's kind of interesting.

[1:12:39] I feel like there was this time in the 70s and early 80s where this kind of came back

[1:12:45] into fashion.

[1:12:46] You had people making movies of this much older type of, you had Sleuth, you had Death

[1:12:54] Trap which also starred Diane Cannon who's in this movie, you had the Murder on the Oregon

[1:13:00] Express film with Albert Finney, you had things making fun of that like Murder by Death and

[1:13:06] it's kind of weird.

[1:13:07] I think it's kind of funny that there was this really like trend during that period

[1:13:14] towards like these very like puzzle box style drawing room mysteries that was really like

[1:13:20] a type of entertainment that became popular decades before.

[1:13:26] But in addition to being that kind of film, it's also kind of a fun snapshot of 1970s

[1:13:33] Hollywood and a parody and satire of 1970s Hollywood and it's just an enjoyable film.

[1:13:41] So I recommend The Last of Sheila.

[1:13:43] And you don't have to go on a plane to see that one, right?

[1:13:45] No, you do not.

[1:13:46] Awesome.

[1:13:47] You probably could not.

[1:13:48] I don't know any plane that would be showing that.

[1:13:50] Maybe Stephen Garshawn's personal plane.

[1:13:51] Maybe you can request it.

[1:13:52] Yeah.

[1:13:53] Garshawn, I would like to request The Last of Sheila.

[1:13:58] I'm going to recommend a little movie.

[1:14:01] Is it small?

[1:14:03] Kind of.

[1:14:04] It's called The Borrowers.

[1:14:06] I'm going to recommend a movie called The One I Love.

[1:14:09] Microcosmos.

[1:14:10] What was that?

[1:14:11] Microcosmos.

[1:14:12] So I'm going to recommend The One I Love.

[1:14:18] It's a movie about a couple that is struggling.

[1:14:24] They have lost some of their spark.

[1:14:25] The couple is played by Mark Duplass and Elizabeth Moss.

[1:14:29] And on a...

[1:14:30] I smell mumblecore.

[1:14:32] And on a...

[1:14:33] Yeah, it's a theme for me, I guess.

[1:14:34] Another trend, man.

[1:14:35] Yeah.

[1:14:36] Very mumblecore.

[1:14:37] After a little bit of a recommendation from their therapist, they go off on a weekend

[1:14:43] alone together.

[1:14:45] And then it starts to get a little bit weird.

[1:14:48] And it's...

[1:14:49] In a way, it feels a little bit like a Twilight Zone kind of made-long, made-movie length.

[1:14:55] And I guess for some folks, the, like, twist...

[1:15:00] Sling-bling?

[1:15:01] Wait, what?

[1:15:03] What's that, dude?

[1:15:04] Sling-bling.

[1:15:06] Is that, like, the Wayans Brothers parody of Sling Blade?

[1:15:10] Shit.

[1:15:11] It's an offensively gay character who, like, sleeps in a sling.

[1:15:17] Sling-bling.

[1:15:18] So, I don't know.

[1:15:20] Like, it's kind of a little movie.

[1:15:22] I feel it's great because the performances are really impressive.

[1:15:26] Mark Duplass is great.

[1:15:27] And Elizabeth Moss is amazing.

[1:15:29] And I...

[1:15:30] If you like little...

[1:15:31] Like, if you like Twilight Zone-style twists, I totally recommend it.

[1:15:36] All right.

[1:15:37] I feel like that was a really solid group of offbeat recommendations.

[1:15:43] Yeah.

[1:15:44] A big, meaty selection of recommendations to go with their dessert, God's Not Dead.

[1:15:50] Yeah.

[1:15:51] So, I'll leave you, the listener, to speculate wildly about what might come up in small timber

[1:15:58] next time.

[1:15:59] If you're one of those poor listeners who signed on because they, I don't know, love

[1:16:05] God's Not Dead and just listen to every podcast that talks about it.

[1:16:09] This doesn't exist.

[1:16:10] And you've made it this far, wow, cool.

[1:16:14] You have walked to the lion's den.

[1:16:17] You can unbuckle your seatbelt now.

[1:16:18] I know it's been a wild ride.

[1:16:20] Yeah.

[1:16:21] A little bit bumpy.

[1:16:22] Don't worry.

[1:16:23] We're all going to hell.

[1:16:24] It's fine.

[1:16:25] Don't worry about it.

[1:16:26] Not me.

[1:16:27] We've talked about Marvel Comics, D&D and shit.

[1:16:28] I don't understand why you're trying to win people over.

[1:16:31] Just listen to this.

[1:16:32] Or sum up what happened.

[1:16:33] We all heard it.

[1:16:34] We've all been here.

[1:16:35] We've been here the whole time.

[1:16:36] That's the twist.

[1:16:37] We've been here recording the episode.

[1:16:38] Is this the Flophouse version of like at the end of a TV show when over the credits they

[1:16:39] show you stills from the episode you just watched?

[1:16:40] All of us laughing and high-fiving each other?

[1:16:41] Because if so, I'm in.

[1:16:42] This is the end of an SNL episode.

[1:16:43] I'm in.

[1:16:44] I'm in.

[1:16:45] I'm in.

[1:16:46] I'm in.

[1:16:47] I'm in.

[1:16:48] I'm in.

[1:16:49] I'm in.

[1:16:50] I'm in.

[1:16:51] I'm in.

[1:16:52] I'm in.

[1:16:53] I'm in.

[1:16:54] I'm in.

[1:16:55] If so, I'm in.

[1:16:56] This is the end of an SNL episode where I was just on stage hugging and having a great time.

[1:17:02] Somebody plays a saxophone and G.E.

[1:17:03] Smith wails on a guitar.

[1:17:05] Mm-hmm.

[1:17:06] And people awkwardly decide whether or not they should hug the backup members of the

[1:17:09] band.

[1:17:10] Yeah.

[1:17:11] They can get very grabby.

[1:17:13] All right.

[1:17:14] Well, for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:17:18] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:17:19] And I'll continue to be Elliot Kalen, even when you stop listening.

[1:17:22] Good night, everyone.

[1:17:23] Nailed it.

[1:17:24] But not right now.

[1:17:25] We're talking about a movie?

[1:17:26] Are we going to do this podcast that we do?

[1:17:27] What?

[1:17:28] Probably not.

[1:17:29] It's been a while.

[1:17:30] Why would we do that?

[1:17:31] Okay.

[1:17:32] Okay.

[1:17:33] And then I guess I'll go home.

[1:17:34] No.

[1:17:35] Wait.

[1:17:36] Having wasted two hours on God's Not Dead.

[1:17:37] This was a prank on you.

[1:17:38] Oh.

[1:17:39] Roasted.

The Flop House: Episode #160 - God's Not Dead

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