The Flop House: Episode #163 - Dracula 3D

[0:00] Shocktober continues with Dario Argento's Dracula.

[0:31] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] Hey Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellingtown.

[0:44] Hey Stuart Wellingtown and Daniel McCoy, my name is Elliot Kalin.

[0:51] Threw a little joke in there, because it's Shocktober.

[0:55] That doesn't make sense, that doesn't make sense.

[0:57] You're throwing a joke in.

[0:58] I'm far away.

[0:59] Number one, you're throwing a joke because it's Shocktober.

[1:02] Normally we are dead serious.

[1:03] Yeah, this is a very sober-minded podcast.

[1:06] But number two, town. Town is the spookiest thing.

[1:10] Maybe it's a haunted ghost town.

[1:12] That's where crimes happen.

[1:14] This town, coming like a ghost town.

[1:18] Specials, everybody. Classic. Classic song.

[1:21] You lost me a long time ago.

[1:24] Did I ever have you, Elliot?

[1:25] No.

[1:26] Did I ever really have you?

[1:27] Well, there's only one way to find out.

[1:28] Let me go and we'll see if I come back.

[1:30] Spoiler alert, I'm not.

[1:31] See you guys later.

[1:32] Wait, what if I...

[1:34] Foley effects, Foley effects.

[1:35] Distance, distance.

[1:36] What if I stand outside your room with a boombox?

[1:39] With a boombox?

[1:40] With a boombox.

[1:41] What is that?

[1:42] A boombox.

[1:43] A box full of bums.

[1:44] What if I stood outside your room with a DVD copy of La Mumba?

[1:48] That's weird.

[1:49] Usually if I thought Dan would be holding something called a bumbox,

[1:52] I thought it would be butt-related.

[1:53] Nope, it's bums. But the bums have butts.

[1:56] Yeah.

[1:57] They're sexy bums.

[1:58] Oh, nice.

[1:59] They were thrown out to the curb.

[2:01] It's a costume you don't see too often at Halloween.

[2:03] The sexy bum.

[2:04] A lady who's like stippled on some 5 o'clock shadow and has a cigar.

[2:10] She's wearing a bikini made out of handkerchiefs,

[2:12] a top hat with the top pop top, and a bindle.

[2:16] She's wearing a barrel and nothing else.

[2:19] Sexy bum.

[2:22] Sounds like a sexy barrel costume to me.

[2:25] She's eating.

[2:26] I'm going as a sexy barrel?

[2:28] Really, this sexy costume thing is going too far.

[2:31] She's dripping those baked beans all the way down.

[2:35] Wait a minute.

[2:37] Wait, baked beans come in a barrel?

[2:39] Is that an innuendo?

[2:42] Because that is maybe the least arousing sex talk.

[2:45] Those baked beans go all the way up to her vagina.

[2:50] Okay, let's stop right there.

[2:53] Rewind.

[2:54] Erase this from human history.

[2:56] Dan, what is this thing that people are forcing their ears to be tortured by?

[3:00] It's certainly not a food podcast.

[3:02] Okay, well, this is a podcast.

[3:03] This is not a sexy baked bean podcast.

[3:05] As we said, it's called The Flophouse.

[3:06] We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[3:09] Right now we're knee deep in Shocktober where we watch horror movies,

[3:14] movies about horrifying things, horrible things,

[3:18] horrible bosses.

[3:20] Nope, we didn't watch that.

[3:22] It's Bosstober.

[3:23] The month we watch movies about bosses.

[3:25] Bruce Springsteen.

[3:27] Boss Hogg.

[3:28] Yep.

[3:29] The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones.

[3:31] Yep.

[3:32] All of them.

[3:33] Big Boss Man, My Favorite Wrestler.

[3:36] Wasn't he a police officer?

[3:38] I don't really remember.

[3:39] You're thinking of police or wrestle guy.

[3:44] Sure.

[3:45] The Fundertaker.

[3:47] Okay.

[3:48] What?

[3:49] It's the Fun Undertaker.

[3:50] Is that the Undertaker when he does kids parties?

[3:52] That's when he joined NWO.

[3:54] NWA?

[3:56] Wow.

[3:57] I know.

[3:58] What a crossover event.

[3:59] Yeah, the wrestling rap crossover of the century.

[4:01] How are we going to top the rap rock crossover of Walk This Way?

[4:07] We'll get a wrestler.

[4:09] One known for not talking and choke slamming people.

[4:15] They're trying to one up the wrestling 80s lady pop music of Captain Lou Albano

[4:23] hanging out with Cyndi Lauper.

[4:25] Yep.

[4:26] Yeah, exactly.

[4:27] That joke took a little while, but it was worth it.

[4:30] I'll remind you that Paul Abdul had sex with a cartoon cat.

[4:34] Wait a minute.

[4:35] We didn't see the sex.

[4:36] It was the subtext for the whole thing.

[4:38] I guess they had a lot of chemistry, Dan.

[4:40] Yeah.

[4:41] Speaking of chemistry.

[4:43] Speaking of chemistry.

[4:44] Let's see how the speaking of chemistry is the segue for a Dracula movie, Stephen.

[4:48] So we watched Dracula 3D.

[4:52] Speaking of chemistry, you know what doesn't follow the rules of science?

[4:55] Vampires.

[4:56] Well, we watched a movie called Dario Argento's Dracula.

[5:00] 3D.

[5:01] It was released as Dracula 3D, but we watched it in its 2D form.

[5:04] Although, as I've corrected in the past, it is a 3D movie in that it involves the dimension of time.

[5:10] The third dimension.

[5:12] 3D movies are, in fact, 4D.

[5:14] 110 minutes of time, in fact.

[5:16] Readers, if you want to wedgie Elliot, send your hands through the mail to his butt.

[5:22] Sounds like a Freddie attack.

[5:24] Please don't send your severed hands to Elliot's butt crack care of Elliot.

[5:28] I would appreciate it if you didn't do that.

[5:31] Also, Dan, do you know how wedgies are given?

[5:33] You don't grab someone's butt crack.

[5:35] I'm wedging you, darling.

[5:38] You grab the butt crack and you slam the two sides of the butt together.

[5:42] And you go, wait a minute.

[5:44] How do you do that from inside the butt crack?

[5:46] You go slappity slappity.

[5:48] Dan, I think I'm finally understanding why you went to juvie when you were 14.

[5:52] Well, we saw this movie, Dario Argento's Dracula.

[5:56] And now, Dario Argento, none of us are any particular fans of his.

[6:00] No, I know.

[6:01] If I recall, Stuart once threatened to fight him on this podcast.

[6:05] I very drunkenly threatened to, I think, punch him or get in a fist fight.

[6:10] He's an old man, Stuart.

[6:12] Yeah, I mean, I would totally win, I guess.

[6:15] But here's the thing.

[6:16] This was his chance.

[6:17] I was about to go to him, hat in hand, ready to eat that hat in front of him.

[6:23] In your own hand.

[6:24] Possibly.

[6:25] So you're ready to turn around and say, Dario Argento, put your hand in my butt crack and wedge me because I was wrong.

[6:33] And you know what?

[6:34] The Goblins is the best band ever.

[6:36] I will say Goblin is the thing I like the most about Dario Argento.

[6:41] Here's the thing about Dario Argento.

[6:42] I'm not a fan of his movies.

[6:44] But he has a clear knack for vivid imagery and for the use of music.

[6:50] And I'll tell you two things that we're missing from this movie.

[6:53] Vivid imagery and any but the cheapest sounding music.

[6:57] There's a lot of theremin in this movie.

[6:59] Yeah, because when we think theremin, we think vampires.

[7:02] Nothing like a real 50s sci-fi Dracula.

[7:07] Theremin works for two things.

[7:09] Ghosts and aliens.

[7:11] Ghosts and goblins.

[7:12] That game is super hard, by the way.

[7:15] Unless you're making a movie about a ghost alien vampire, in which case I say sell me a ticket right now because I want to see it.

[7:21] Don't use the theremin.

[7:23] I think there was like an old Buck Rogers episode about like a space vampire.

[7:27] I mean, there's been movies about space vampires.

[7:30] There's that Mario Lava movie.

[7:31] Planet of the Vampires.

[7:32] Yeah.

[7:33] I think there was this Choose Your Own Adventure book I read one time.

[7:35] Yeah, yeah.

[7:36] And there's Ghosts of Mars is ghosts in space.

[7:38] Ghost aliens.

[7:40] Event Horizon probably has.

[7:42] And there's that movie about the astronaut and Bidey in space.

[7:46] Bidey in space?

[7:47] Yeah.

[7:48] Wait, the vampire's name is Bidey?

[7:50] Does he not even count Bidey?

[7:52] Is he a little kid, like a dog vampire?

[7:55] He's not, you know, he's not of the, what do you call it?

[7:59] The nobility.

[8:00] The nobility, yeah.

[8:01] The aristocracy.

[8:02] No, this is your pet cockney peasant vampire in space.

[8:05] Hello, hello.

[8:06] It's me, Bidey.

[8:07] Welcome, Ajupa.

[8:08] How do you do?

[8:10] Shine your shoes, governor.

[8:11] Bite your neck.

[8:13] It's me, Bidey.

[8:14] Michael Caine in Bidey, I guess.

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:18] Don't let him bite your neck.

[8:19] Come on.

[8:20] That's a good price for neck biting.

[8:23] Ever.

[8:24] Tuppence.

[8:25] Well, well.

[8:26] Tuppence to bite your neck, sir.

[8:27] If it isn't the queen of space.

[8:28] Ma'am, a pleasure to bite you.

[8:31] It's me, Daniel Craig.

[8:33] Yeah.

[8:34] Good work.

[8:35] Clive Owen.

[8:37] You joined right in.

[8:38] Stuart, are you okay?

[8:39] You seem to have joined right in.

[8:42] Now, okay, so we don't like Dario Argento, but we're really going to give him a shot.

[8:45] His movies, I'm not a huge fan, but every one I've seen has at least a moment where I'm like,

[8:49] oh, that's an interesting moment or image or whatever.

[8:52] Yeah, look, and I will say this about, I mean, you know, everyone.

[8:55] He co-wrote Once Upon a Time in the West.

[8:57] Give him some credit for that.

[8:59] Everyone loves Suspiria.

[9:01] I don't like Suspiria just because what I like out of a horror movie is usually having a very clear sense of the rules of the world.

[9:09] To me, that makes it scarier because I know what the confines are.

[9:13] Suspiria is just a bunch of crazy shit that goes on.

[9:16] I'm fine with a horror movie that's just crazy shit.

[9:19] Yeah, come on.

[9:20] I don't know.

[9:21] The scariest part of How Sue is when that watermelon starts laughing for no reason behind that guy.

[9:25] Yeah, I mean, I guess there's like – to me, there's a difference between a dreamlike sort of off-putting weirdness that you get out of a David Lynch and the sense that like –

[9:34] You get out of him how?

[9:35] Like you squeeze it out of him.

[9:37] Like a lemon.

[9:39] For Lynch and Aid.

[9:43] The Italian horror just seems to be sort of shoddily put together.

[9:48] They're not interested in anything other than the crazy image.

[9:52] That being said, there are a lot of great crazy images in something like Suspiria, and I enjoy the vividness of that.

[9:59] None of that is here.

[10:00] Showtime has labeled the man a master of horror, right?

[10:02] How do we fight against him?

[10:04] That holds up in a court of law.

[10:05] Mick Garris, everyone's favorite master of horror.

[10:09] Well, and you speak of vividness.

[10:10] Well, Stephen King's favorite.

[10:11] Yeah.

[10:12] And you're talking about vividness.

[10:13] And this movie clearly has a relatively low budget.

[10:17] And these high definition cameras do it no justice.

[10:21] No.

[10:22] Everything looks super cheap, super fake.

[10:24] But also, just something you pointed out

[10:26] when we were watching the story, it's

[10:27] light a low budget movie with shadow

[10:30] to kind of hide those flaws.

[10:32] But also, the cheapest, there are two cheap movie effects

[10:36] that will draw viewers in.

[10:37] Boobs, the cheapest effect, and shadows.

[10:41] All you need to do is not light something or light something

[10:44] in the right way, and it instantly

[10:45] looks more beautiful or more dramatic or scarier.

[10:49] And instead, this is the best, most floodlit,

[10:53] evenly lit Dracula movie I've ever seen.

[10:55] Yeah, well, speaking of.

[10:56] It was like they made a Dracula movie in a supermarket.

[10:58] That's how well lit the crypts and caves of this movie are.

[11:02] Speaking of boobs, this movie resembles nothing more

[11:05] than a softcore porn film in its even lighting

[11:10] and its digital cinematography.

[11:13] And bad acting.

[11:15] Everything's wooden.

[11:16] But yet, there's a surprisingly small amount of nudity in it.

[11:20] Small?

[11:21] I mean, compared to your average modern film,

[11:24] there's a ton of nudity in this movie.

[11:25] Softcore porn film, though.

[11:27] I mean, but it's a movie that has enough nudity

[11:29] that you expect more, and not so much nudity,

[11:32] not so little nudity where you're like, oh, OK,

[11:34] this is a classy movie, but they made a choice to have nudity.

[11:37] It feels like an exploitation movie where halfway through,

[11:40] they were like, right, the nudity.

[11:42] Well, we'll put it in later, and they forgot to put it back in.

[11:44] Also, the nudity dries up about halfway through the movie.

[11:47] Yeah, we thought there'd be a rich vein of nudity.

[11:50] So we start panning for nudity, and yet it dried up.

[11:53] We've got to go mine somewhere else.

[11:55] It reminded me of, like,

[11:57] You're going to have to go west.

[11:58] Used to be a lot of nudity in this town,

[12:00] but the nudity dried up.

[12:01] Just a ghost town now.

[12:03] People picked up steaks.

[12:05] Used to be.

[12:06] You could go down the street and just pick up boobs from the ground.

[12:09] It's a gusher.

[12:11] No, but like, it reminded me.

[12:13] Dip your net in the lake.

[12:14] Come up with butts.

[12:16] Not anymore.

[12:18] We overfished the nudity, not the left.

[12:21] Man, you've got to farm-raise the nudity.

[12:24] That's why here at the Nudity Conservation Corps,

[12:27] we're all about sustainable nudity.

[12:30] We only, look, for every nudity we pluck, we plant two more.

[12:36] This reminded me, though, of a rule that I discovered when I was a young man

[12:42] who was desperate to see naked ladies in the era before the internet.

[12:46] That when you're looking in the TV guide,

[12:47] don't look for nudity, look for sexual situations?

[12:49] Well, no, that's good.

[12:51] That's a good rule of thumb.

[12:52] I discovered that one.

[12:54] But also, my rule of thumb was basically,

[12:57] if there's no nudity in the first 20 minutes of a movie,

[13:00] there's generally not going to be any nudity.

[13:01] Interesting.

[13:02] So that's McCoy's law.

[13:04] That's McCoy's law.

[13:05] McCoy's law of film nudity.

[13:06] Write it down.

[13:07] Yep.

[13:08] 13-year-olds who, for some reason, don't have the internet.

[13:13] But can still download a podcast.

[13:16] So what, is it being mailed to them on a CD by their grandma?

[13:19] It's on a copy server CD.

[13:23] Have we even started talking about the movie yet?

[13:26] No, we haven't.

[13:26] Well, we'll start talking about it if it looks.

[13:28] Well, here, let's just get this.

[13:29] You said who the director was.

[13:30] This is basically Dracula.

[13:32] Well, it's called Dracula, so it's not a big scoop.

[13:37] It's not like, look, they just stole the story from Dracula,

[13:39] called it Dracula, and that is the end of it.

[13:42] It's a, it's a.

[13:42] Yeah, rip the wool off of the eyes, you stupid sheep.

[13:46] It's, this is.

[13:47] Wake up, sheeple.

[13:49] Barack Hussein Obama tried to sell this to you,

[13:51] it's not a Dracula movie, by putting Dracula in the title.

[13:55] It's a double reverse psychology.

[13:57] It's the prestige.

[13:58] Double reverse psychology?

[14:00] It's the study of psyncs?

[14:01] Yeah, psychology.

[14:03] It's the study of psychos.

[14:04] Ah, I see.

[14:05] Anyway, what were you saying about this movie that we watched?

[14:09] We all know the plot of Dracula.

[14:10] We spent time watching this movie.

[14:11] This is, at times, a fairly straightforward

[14:15] telling of the Dracula story, but then it's clear

[14:16] that they wanted to put more action in it

[14:19] and could not afford certain things.

[14:21] So, like, instead of Harker going to Transylvania,

[14:26] then Dracula coming to England,

[14:28] everyone just goes to Transylvania.

[14:30] There's no English stuff.

[14:31] Instead of, like, the three suitors who are all in love

[14:34] with Lucy and help Van Helsing track down Dracula,

[14:37] those guys don't exist.

[14:39] And there's, it's just, at times,

[14:42] it's a very rushed through telling of Dracula,

[14:45] and, at times, it is a surprisingly slow-moving

[14:47] embroidery of the story.

[14:49] You have a lot of scenes that go nowhere for no reason,

[14:51] and only one of them is a lesbian sponge bath, so.

[14:55] And there are only lesbian undertones.

[14:57] Yeah, I mean, it wasn't explicitly lesbian.

[14:59] Sex broke out or anything.

[15:00] Okay, that's true.

[15:00] But it was a woman giving another woman a sponge bath.

[15:04] But it's a pretty.

[15:05] Giving the daughter of the director a sponge bath.

[15:09] This is not, and it's not the first time

[15:11] he's had his daughter take her clothes off.

[15:12] No, Asia Argento is known for taking her clothes off

[15:15] in movies more so than, I think, anything else.

[15:18] Wait, more so than her acting abilities?

[15:23] Or that she's the daughter of a famous director?

[15:26] I feel like I'm, like, someone telling,

[15:29] I'm telling Stewart that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

[15:31] Yes, Asia Argento is mostly known

[15:33] for being naked in movies.

[15:36] But there's also, there's a couple scenes

[15:39] where the movie is like, oh yeah,

[15:40] we should be totally crazy, and gets nuts.

[15:43] And so it's this kind of bland,

[15:45] classic, illustrated, low-budget,

[15:47] are you afraid of the dark version of Dracula.

[15:49] But then there's suddenly a scene

[15:50] where Dracula's just ripping people's throats out,

[15:53] and.

[15:54] Knocks a person's head off.

[15:57] And then has someone shoot themselves in the mouth

[16:00] with a, like, slow-moving super bullet.

[16:02] And then later, for some reason.

[16:04] Well, it goes into bullet time,

[16:04] or like a brief time, enough so you can, like,

[16:06] see the bullet go through his gaping open mouth,

[16:09] and then it goes back to normal time.

[16:11] To explode out of the top of his head.

[16:12] And then later, in the best scene in the movie by far,

[16:15] Dracula takes the form of a giant praying mantis

[16:18] to kill, is it Lucy's dad or Mina's dad?

[16:20] I think it's Lucy's dad.

[16:22] Lucy's dad.

[16:23] Mr. Kisslinger.

[16:24] Mr. Kisslinger.

[16:25] Henry Kisslinger.

[16:26] Yeah.

[16:27] Well, it's a movie that begins with, like.

[16:28] I'm beginning to believe that my daughter

[16:30] has been bitten by a vampire.

[16:32] Mr. President, we must bomb Transylvania.

[16:36] A lot of stuff happens in The Fog of Vampires.

[16:38] But no, like, yeah, like, yeah.

[16:41] A big praying mantis hand goes through this guy.

[16:45] This guy is sitting outside of someone's door,

[16:47] I guess, guarding it, in an armchair.

[16:50] He's fallen asleep.

[16:51] And suddenly, something scrambles up the stairs.

[16:53] It's an enormous praying mantis, which kills him,

[16:56] and then just.

[16:57] CGI praying mantis.

[16:58] And then just leaves, right?

[16:58] Yeah.

[16:59] There's also, there's some really.

[17:00] Well, he is working there, so.

[17:02] There's some, I mean, if it was a real praying mantis,

[17:04] it would have sex with him and then bite his head off.

[17:05] Yeah.

[17:06] There's a lot of really bad CGI.

[17:08] Which is too bad they didn't include that in the movie.

[17:09] Yeah.

[17:10] They take advantage of Dracula being a shapeshifter,

[17:13] which he is.

[17:14] Oh, yeah.

[17:14] He turns into a wolf.

[17:15] He's a cloud of flies.

[17:16] He's a praying mantis.

[17:17] He's a cloud of smoke.

[17:19] And then, so, I'm not.

[17:22] He's a shoe.

[17:23] He's a shoe horn.

[17:24] He's a horn.

[17:26] He's a horn dog.

[17:27] He's a hot dog.

[17:28] He's a Trader Joe's.

[17:29] He's a DVD copy of Hots.

[17:32] He's a Trader Joe's, and he just eats people

[17:35] as they walk through the doors to buy cheap wine.

[17:39] Here's the thing.

[17:40] We don't have to go through the plot of Dracula, do we?

[17:43] Anyone, because I want to say this.

[17:44] No, Jonathan Harker goes to Transylvania, et cetera.

[17:47] He is bitten.

[17:48] Anyone who is not familiar with the plot of Dracula.

[17:51] Well, there's this great bit where Dracula's an owl.

[17:53] He attacks a girl and morphs.

[17:54] Yeah, he becomes one of the guardians of Ga'Hoole.

[17:56] Here's the thing.

[17:57] Except for in this movie, I guess Jonathan Harker

[17:59] doesn't escape.

[17:59] If you haven't read Dracula.

[18:00] No, unless you count death and escape, which it is.

[18:03] It's the ultimate escape.

[18:05] The Pina Colada song, parentheses, ultimate escape.

[18:08] It's Jimmy Buffet talking about dying.

[18:11] It's the same song, but then you just hear a gunshot

[18:14] at the end, and the singer's body falls.

[18:16] Yeah, he realizes.

[18:18] Is the Pina Colada song a Jimmy Buffet song?

[18:20] Yeah.

[18:21] It's like it was written by Rupert Brooks, right?

[18:23] From, Rupert Brooks from Remember When?

[18:25] It's Jimmy Buffet.

[18:27] Okay.

[18:28] I like the idea that at the end, when they realize

[18:30] that it's a husband and wife who have met up.

[18:34] That's the whole plot of the Pina Colada.

[18:35] Yeah, they're pretending they're meeting

[18:37] for the first time to make it.

[18:40] They're trying to find an escape

[18:43] from their boring married life,

[18:45] and then they're like, oh shit, it's you,

[18:47] my wife and husband.

[18:48] Oh, so you're saying, what, is one of them wearing

[18:50] a fake mustache, the other's wearing a wig?

[18:52] How did they not recognize it?

[18:53] No, but it's all about placing a personal ad

[18:55] and responding to a personal ad.

[18:56] Oh, see, I always thought it was an elaborate sex game

[18:58] where they pretended not to know each other.

[19:01] Well, yeah, it's like a Red Shoe guy, right?

[19:04] I mean, it's a much more healthy relationship thing

[19:06] than putting out personal ads to cheat on your wife.

[19:09] Although at the end of the song, they all laugh,

[19:11] and they're like, ha ha ha.

[19:12] Presumably their relationship is rekindled.

[19:14] But I like this version where the escape is death.

[19:17] They're like, oh, I tried to have an affair,

[19:21] but I just ended up with you,

[19:22] so I guess we're just gonna shoot ourselves.

[19:24] It's the Pina Colada feudal Japan version.

[19:27] Do you like Pina Coladas and being reincarnated

[19:31] on the same petal of the lotus?

[19:33] So I guess we're gonna have to be love suicides

[19:35] on the bridge at Yokohama.

[19:38] Anyway, so if you don't know the story of Dracula,

[19:42] go read Dracula.

[19:43] It's a great book.

[19:44] It really holds up for an 1870s, 1880s.

[19:47] When was it published?

[19:48] Epistolary novel.

[19:49] It's not totally epistolary.

[19:50] I think it is.

[19:51] It's all, I mean, it's not just letters,

[19:53] it's diary entries.

[19:54] Yeah, that's what I'm saying, not totally epistolary.

[19:56] But it's not, I mean, there's no like-

[19:57] There's no omniscient third-person narrative.

[20:00] But part of it is told through newspaper articles, right, when the ship washes up?

[20:04] Yes, that's true.

[20:05] The ship full of dead men, and a black dog is seen escaping from the ship that night.

[20:10] That would have been great to have that in this movie.

[20:11] Yeah, it's a great scene, but Dracula doesn't go anywhere, so...

[20:14] No room for that.

[20:15] He couldn't have, like, gone away on, like, a cruise?

[20:17] No.

[20:18] Like a carnival cruise?

[20:19] Like a Norwegian cruise line, yeah.

[20:21] Like one of those poop cruises?

[20:24] It's a poop cruise.

[20:26] It's a specialized cruise for people into poop.

[20:29] Now I imagine Dracula going, if they could see me now, those friends of mine, on a carnival

[20:35] cruise, ha ha ha ha.

[20:37] But he can only go out at night.

[20:39] One carnival cruise, two carnival cruises.

[20:41] One pool, two pools, ha ha ha.

[20:46] Shuffleboard.

[20:49] You say it's a midnight buffet, I call it breakfast.

[20:54] Dracula!

[20:56] Welcome aboard the SS Dracool!

[20:59] It's my own cruise line!

[21:01] This eagle's cover band, what beautiful music they make!

[21:07] Gets up and does some karaoke, yeah.

[21:10] Welcome to the Hotel California!

[21:14] One night in Bangkok, mate.

[21:17] That's what I assume Dracula sings.

[21:19] Yeah, of course.

[21:21] Bunch of songs from Chess.

[21:23] Yeah.

[21:25] So anyway, Dracula.

[21:28] This movie takes a lot of liberties as it goes towards the end as the hero of the Dracula

[21:33] story, Abraham Van Helsing, the vampire hunter, here played by Rutger Hauer, his sleepiest,

[21:39] appears and Rutger Hauer is a...

[21:41] Slowest.

[21:42] I feel like he's taking five seconds between every word.

[21:45] But at the same time, he is a one-man army corps.

[21:48] He's just taking out vampires left and right with his magic fists and knives.

[21:53] It's like there was a clause, I think you said, Stuart, in Rutger Hauer's contract that

[21:58] was like, I have to kill all the vampires instantly.

[22:01] I can never be in real danger.

[22:03] One hit is it, yeah.

[22:04] Every vampire or goon who attacks him is immediately dispatched.

[22:08] Like, my favorite's when the one goon attacks him and he basically just turns the guy onto

[22:13] a spike through the eye.

[22:15] No, here's the thing also.

[22:17] Dracula seems to run the town.

[22:19] This is Transylvania, but it's a town with a population of about eight.

[22:22] And now Dracula seems to run the town like Ben Gazzara in Roadhouse.

[22:26] He's just like the local crime lord.

[22:28] So there's a scene where his lieutenants get together and they're like, we gotta stop listening

[22:32] to Dracula.

[22:33] And Dracula shows up and kills them all.

[22:35] It's like the most...

[22:36] First he shows up as a cloud of flies, which elicits no reaction from these guys.

[22:42] Yeah, they all kind of stand around looking at him like, oh, a bunch of flies.

[22:46] Oh, they're turning into Dracula.

[22:47] Oh, hey boss.

[22:48] We were just talking about you.

[22:50] Now, I was never sure if they knew he was a vampire or not.

[22:53] I mean, he's something, right?

[22:55] He's a cloud of flies.

[22:56] I mean, before the cloud of flies scenario takes place.

[22:59] He's a lord of the flies.

[23:00] There's also a priest in...

[23:02] I guess so.

[23:03] I guess kind of like Satan, right?

[23:05] Yeah.

[23:06] Think about it.

[23:07] Okay.

[23:08] Think about it.

[23:09] About the book Lord of the Flies.

[23:11] It's a good book.

[23:12] I don't know why.

[23:13] It's pretty spooky.

[23:14] That's an intense book.

[23:15] The end, the climax, where they're chasing him through the jungle.

[23:18] And it only ends because that adult shows up and is like, what the hell is going on right there?

[23:22] Descended into chaos, yeah.

[23:23] Yeah.

[23:24] It's like there's a real moral in that book.

[23:25] Anyway.

[23:26] Read Lord of the Flies, guys.

[23:27] Look, let's just recommend books for this podcast.

[23:30] Dracula's great.

[23:31] Lord of the Flies is great.

[23:32] You don't want a scary story?

[23:34] How about like Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

[23:37] I'm reading Three Musketeers right now.

[23:39] I never read the original.

[23:40] Great stuff.

[23:41] Is that based on the candy bar?

[23:45] You ate the bar.

[23:46] Now read the book.

[23:47] I haven't read it in a long time.

[23:49] I just haven't had a chance to finish the script.

[23:51] I feel like at least a year ago, we were on a train and you were like, oh yeah, I'm reading Three Musketeers.

[23:56] I was reading Les Miserables at the time.

[23:58] Oh, okay.

[23:59] I'm getting my French books mixed up.

[24:00] Are you going to move on to Mounds next or Payday?

[24:04] Almond Joy.

[24:05] Oh, no kidding.

[24:06] Now, back to the movie.

[24:08] Twix.

[24:09] Twix is two stories in one.

[24:10] It's a real he said, she said tale.

[24:12] It's a real gone girl.

[24:13] Anyway, so actually, there you go.

[24:16] That'd be the tie-in.

[24:17] Twix, the gone girl of candy bars.

[24:19] Now, Dracula.

[24:20] Let's just say Van Helsing comes in.

[24:22] He is kicking ass and chewing bubble gum.

[24:25] What if they invented it?

[24:26] There is no threat strong enough to stop this slow-moving elderly man.

[24:30] Dracula hypnotizes Mina Harker and they steal from Francis Ford Coppola's Bram Stoker's Dracula the idea that Dracula is drawn to Mina because she looks just like his lover.

[24:42] She looks just like his lost love, which is not in the book, right?

[24:46] I don't remember it being in the book.

[24:47] I don't think so.

[24:48] It's not in any of the other adaptations that I can remember.

[24:51] Like the Bela Lugosi Dracula takes a lot of liberties because it's based on a stage play, which took a lot of liberties.

[24:56] There's nothing like it in that.

[24:58] Yeah, and we were talking—

[24:59] Or the Terence Fisher Dracula.

[25:00] During the movie, none of us are a fan of the Dracula as romantic hero lineage of the vampire story.

[25:07] I think there's something in it if you don't lose sight of the fact—

[25:11] That he's evil?

[25:12] That he's evil, and what's seductive about him is a life without rules to follow.

[25:17] The only rules are don't get in the sun and don't get a stake through your heart, but otherwise you are the—morals don't apply to you.

[25:23] God's law doesn't apply to you.

[25:24] There's a romantic notion in that in the idea of the romantic movement, like romantic poets and things like that.

[25:31] There can be an appeal to him.

[25:32] Yes.

[25:33] That should be the appeal of sin.

[25:35] He should not be a sympathetic lover.

[25:37] And there's like an Eastern European old world charm to it as well.

[25:40] Yeah, very much so.

[25:41] There's this idea that he is—there's something intriguing about a man who comes from a different era, a different place,

[25:47] where the savage bloodlust of men rises to the surface and people live in more terms of state of nature.

[25:55] As opposed to like the button-down industrial age.

[25:58] Exactly.

[25:59] Your Victorian prudish realm.

[26:01] Chimney sweeps.

[26:02] Your Mary Poppinses and so forth.

[26:04] Men were men and women were brides of Dracula.

[26:07] Well, like three women, except in this movie it's just one because, again, low budget.

[26:11] Yeah.

[26:12] Only one heaving bosom.

[26:14] The best of them have been three.

[26:15] Yeah.

[26:16] Right, guys?

[26:17] She's the major source for the nudity.

[26:18] Plenty to spare, I guess.

[26:19] Plenty to spare.

[26:20] There's enough boobs to go around.

[26:21] That's a great scene where she seduces Jonathan Harker, gets totes naked, starts biting him, and then Dracula jumps in.

[26:30] And he's like, mine!

[26:31] And then he like force-pushes her across the room.

[26:35] It is just an extreme version of a scene in the story.

[26:39] No, it actually happens in the book.

[26:40] But, yeah, it's like they're going to have a Jedi battle.

[26:43] All of a sudden Dracula and his bride.

[26:45] Which would have made this a more fun movie.

[26:47] Anyway, we get to the end.

[26:48] Mina is under a spell.

[26:50] Dracula is totally going to vampirize her.

[26:52] And Van Helsing has made some silver bullets that he's going to use to kill Dracula.

[26:58] This is the first time a vampire has gotten the jump on Van Helsing.

[27:02] As Dracula punches him in the face.

[27:04] He's wasted everybody.

[27:05] And this is one of the things that I don't like about a lot of vampire movies.

[27:08] Dracula, okay, he can shapeshift.

[27:10] He can bite people.

[27:12] He has claws.

[27:13] He's basically, he's a monster.

[27:15] And yet, whenever he fights the hero, it always turns into like fisticuffs.

[27:19] Yes, this is the most boring climax in the world.

[27:22] It is literally Dracula.

[27:24] I don't know, last year at Merriam-Bad.

[27:27] I think Le Clef is not exactly the most exciting film.

[27:30] For a movie about a vampire.

[27:32] Okay, yes.

[27:33] For a Dracula movie.

[27:34] This is literally just Dracula punching an old man.

[27:39] While a woman watches.

[27:41] While a woman watches.

[27:42] And then eventually.

[27:43] It slowly pulls a gun.

[27:44] Eventually, it's like, oh, there's a gun at my feet.

[27:45] I guess I'll shoot Dracula with it.

[27:47] But yeah, it's the least powerful Dracula.

[27:49] After urging Dracula to totally kill Van Helsing.

[27:52] And Dracula gets shot and he's like, you're sending me such mixed messages.

[27:56] Do you think she was urging Dracula to attack Van Helsing.

[27:59] Because she knew that Van Helsing just roasts these wimps.

[28:02] No, I think she was under his spell.

[28:04] Yeah, but for Dracula, who earlier.

[28:06] He put a screaming Jay Hawkins spell on her.

[28:08] Earlier, this Dracula knocked the guy's head off.

[28:12] Maybe Rucker had it like tied his head on or something.

[28:15] Now, speaking of that scene.

[28:17] It did my favorite thing.

[28:18] Which is, he's about to swing.

[28:21] And then it cuts to a shot of the guy screaming.

[28:24] Going, ah.

[28:25] And then it just cuts to a shot of Dracula swiping his head off.

[28:30] And then it cuts to a shot of the head bouncing off the wall.

[28:34] Now, that's how you make a movie.

[28:35] One thing that never helps this scene.

[28:38] Is a close-up of someone screaming.

[28:40] Like, whether it's a comedy.

[28:43] And someone is falling down.

[28:46] Like someone slides.

[28:48] I think this happens in the movie Deeds.

[28:49] He's sliding down a banister.

[28:51] And it cuts to his face going, ah.

[28:53] And then it shows him.

[28:54] He had a potted plant or something.

[28:56] Or a vase.

[28:57] It's like, well, it's a lot less funny.

[28:58] That you slowed things down.

[28:59] To show him yelling in the middle.

[29:01] If someone's about to die.

[29:03] And you cut to them going, ah.

[29:04] And then cut back to them dying.

[29:06] Well, I mean, it's in an action.

[29:08] What's supposed to be a serious action scene.

[29:10] It definitely makes it funnier.

[29:12] It makes a comedy less funny.

[29:14] And a horror movie more funny.

[29:16] It's unlike slowing down a bullet.

[29:18] So you see it through a guy's mouth.

[29:19] Before it blows his head off.

[29:20] Now, that was scarifying.

[29:22] Now, here's the thing.

[29:24] There's nothing scary about this movie.

[29:25] Is that what you were going to say?

[29:26] This is the least scary vampire movie ever.

[29:28] And that includes Dracula Dead and Loving It.

[29:30] Vampire in Brooklyn.

[29:31] Vampire in Brooklyn.

[29:32] Transylvania 65,000.

[29:33] Once Bitten.

[29:34] Once Bitten.

[29:35] What's that George Hamilton vampire movie?

[29:36] That's Once Bitten.

[29:37] Once Bitten?

[29:38] No, wait.

[29:39] No, Once Bitten is the one with Jim Carrey.

[29:40] No, it's, hold on.

[29:41] Oh, shit.

[29:42] Let's just call it Dracula the Gay Blade.

[29:44] What is it called?

[29:46] This movie is less scary than like.

[29:48] The Megadeth song Prince of Darkness.

[29:50] Which is a pretty goofy song.

[29:51] Yeah, yeah.

[29:52] It's the, it's not a scary movie.

[29:55] And I'll tell you what.

[29:56] It is less scary than a box of Count Chocula.

[30:00] Yeah, that's actually true.

[30:02] Love at first bite.

[30:04] There are probably kids who are a little scared to come.

[30:07] I'll tell you what, when I was a kid, I remember very vividly,

[30:10] Child's Play came out on VHS,

[30:12] and there was a big cardboard stand-up of Chucky

[30:15] in the local video store, Video Town,

[30:17] and it scared the hell out of me.

[30:19] I hadn't seen the movie, didn't know much about it,

[30:22] just seeing this evil doll was so scary.

[30:24] And this movie, I feel like if that same kid had watched this movie,

[30:27] he'd be like, I don't understand, what's scary about this?

[30:30] This is not as scary as a cardboard stand-up of a doll.

[30:33] I think if that kid watched this movie,

[30:35] he would just keep rewinding to the beginning.

[30:37] To see the boobs, yeah, probably.

[30:39] Yeah, speaking of that...

[30:41] What? Boobs, Child's Play, Video Town?

[30:44] There was a really great sex scene early on that's super well-lit.

[30:47] That's what I was going to say.

[30:49] There's no sex tarp in this movie, but they did put down a blanket.

[30:52] They did put down a cape or a blanket.

[30:54] In this super well-lit barn?

[30:56] A barn that is lit about as well as your average family restaurant.

[30:59] Yeah.

[31:00] Every scene, characters in this movie,

[31:02] every scene, characters are bringing like a candle into a room

[31:05] that's already super well-lit.

[31:07] But it was like a seduction cinema, vampire, sexy vampire,

[31:10] softcore cinematic.

[31:12] With a man making the longest thrusts I've ever seen in a movie.

[31:15] He is an awesome dude, apparently.

[31:18] It's too bad, of course, he has to die early on

[31:21] because he has already been blessed with what is, I'm assuming,

[31:24] an incredibly long penis.

[31:26] It's so long he needs to stand back a little.

[31:29] It's less enjoyable for everybody, that's the thing.

[31:32] Now this is the guy who, in the very beginning,

[31:35] he has sex with his girlfriend in a barn,

[31:37] and then says, like, eh, I'm leaving.

[31:39] You can walk home through the dark woods yourself.

[31:41] Just wear this cross, it'll protect you.

[31:43] And she goes, you can take that, and she leaves.

[31:45] And then he hangs the cross up in a tree and goes home.

[31:48] Was that the lady who gets killed by one of the owls of Ga'Hoole?

[31:51] Yes, she's attacked by an owl while Renfield watches.

[31:54] Or no, it's not Renfield, it's the guy who looks like

[31:56] a cross between J.K. Simmons and Vincent D'Onofrio,

[31:59] Eastern European dub a little bit.

[32:02] And she becomes the bride of Dracula.

[32:05] But let me mention one thing I wanted to before.

[32:08] There's a Renfield in this.

[32:10] He is maybe the sloppiest, dumpiest Renfield I've ever seen.

[32:13] And Renfield's supposed to be a sloppy, gross guy.

[32:15] He eats bugs, he's crazy, foaming at the mouth,

[32:18] obsessed with the master.

[32:20] Renfield has always been one of my favorite aspects of the Dracula story

[32:23] because he's not really scary in terms of being dangerous.

[32:27] He's scary in terms of being a madman who has lost all control

[32:30] and is totally within the will of another.

[32:33] He's an interesting character because he's the guy who's in thrall to Dracula.

[32:37] He doesn't have the same sort of sexual thrall,

[32:39] but he's got the same kind of...

[32:41] Well, it's like Austin Powers.

[32:43] Women want him and men want to be him.

[32:45] That's Dracula. Dracula Powers.

[32:47] There's a weird kind of sexual element to it,

[32:49] but it's like this sort of twisted...

[32:52] He kind of doesn't understand the thrall he's in.

[32:55] Yeah, and he's not necessary for the plot in almost any version of the story.

[33:00] He's like this added random chaos element

[33:03] who's just there mainly for atmosphere in a lot of ways

[33:05] and to show you how creepy Dracula is.

[33:08] You don't need Dracula in a scene because Renfield is there

[33:11] and you're like, this guy's nuts.

[33:13] If the master is worse than this guy,

[33:16] oh boy, wouldn't want to be walking down a dark alley

[33:19] and meet this Dracool fella.

[33:22] But the Renfield in this is like...

[33:24] It's a pretty hangy version of Dracula.

[33:26] The Dracula in this...

[33:28] Oh, the Renfield in this reminded me,

[33:30] if you guys remember the character of Barf, the chef on...

[33:32] No, you can't do that on television.

[33:34] Like, that's what this version of Renfield was.

[33:37] And then Barf the dog from Space...

[33:39] No, he does not have the dignity of...

[33:41] He does not have the dignity of the mog from Spaceballs.

[33:44] He is the cook from...

[33:46] You can't do that on television, who serves vomit to children.

[33:48] But also this Renfield seems to be blissed out in ecstasy the whole time.

[33:52] He's always wandering around, just touching walls and looking at people,

[33:55] cutting his arms so that brides can suck his blood out.

[33:58] He is...

[33:59] Cutting his arms so CGI blood squirts out.

[34:02] When you think about it, he's got it pretty good.

[34:04] He is the least impressive Renfield.

[34:07] He goes to jail for a little while, he gets out of jail.

[34:10] Dracula lets him out.

[34:11] But you're kind of wondering...

[34:12] He chops Long Dick's head in half with a fucking shovel.

[34:15] But you're wondering, why did Dracula let this guy out of jail?

[34:18] Because he doesn't seem to help him very much.

[34:20] He's just...

[34:21] Like, would you want...

[34:22] Look, you're a suave count.

[34:24] Okay, maybe you look like a Russian Craig T. Nelson in this version.

[34:27] You're not the scabookiest, most charismatic Dracula.

[34:30] You live in a castle, hot and cold running babes.

[34:33] Why do you need this dumpy guy who looks like an out-of-work butcher walking around?

[34:37] Real talk.

[34:38] He's the guy...

[34:39] He should be in a Bucharest community theater production of Marty.

[34:42] Not playing Renfield.

[34:45] The thing about Renfield is I like the idea that Dracula takes a human servant to do his bidding.

[34:50] And he kind of uses him up and he slowly drives the guy crazy.

[34:54] And eventually he just discards him.

[34:56] Yeah.

[34:57] And this guy has been a turd the entire time.

[35:01] Well, but it's written on Renfield.

[35:02] Discard to receive three mana of your choice.

[35:04] Oh, wow.

[35:05] It's pretty valuable.

[35:06] That's not bad.

[35:08] I mean, it's not like your most powerful card, but if you're building a deck, you want it in there.

[35:12] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[35:13] Magic. The Dracula.

[35:14] So, let's go...

[35:16] There was one other thing I want to say and I forgot what it was.

[35:18] Basically, this movie's not scary.

[35:20] We barely talked about the guy who played Dracula.

[35:22] That's how little impression he made on us.

[35:24] Dracula is... I'm just going to say...

[35:26] It might be the worst Dracula I've ever seen.

[35:28] Oh, by far.

[35:29] And this is counting the George Hamilton, the Leslie Nielsen versions.

[35:34] Blackula, which is not a good movie.

[35:36] Dracula from Monster Squad.

[35:38] That's a pretty good Dracula.

[35:39] That's a pretty good Dracula.

[35:40] I mean, he's taken down by a bunch of kids, which is lame.

[35:42] But Dracula is one of the most...

[35:44] You call the little girl a bitch.

[35:46] That's pretty evil.

[35:47] He's one of the most enduring characters in literature.

[35:50] He's one of the most charismatic characters, I would say, in literature,

[35:54] considering he doesn't appear that much in the book named after him.

[35:57] He's offstage for most of it.

[35:59] But...

[36:00] Didn't Rutger Hauer play Dracula in Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

[36:03] Did he play it? No.

[36:06] I think the master was his official...

[36:09] Oh, we know what that's subtext for.

[36:11] All right.

[36:12] I mean, he was a vampire.

[36:13] That must have been why he had a tough time killing Dracula in this one.

[36:16] Yeah, because he's like,

[36:17] Oh, it's me!

[36:18] I'm looking in a mirror!

[36:19] We're not so different, you and I.

[36:20] I get it, man.

[36:21] Why couldn't they have had like Udo Keir to reprise his role of Dracula?

[36:24] Yeah.

[36:25] From Blood for Dracula.

[36:26] But anyway, here's the important thing.

[36:28] They take one of the most interesting characters in film or literature

[36:33] and they just kind of throw him away.

[36:35] It's like in the Dracula movie,

[36:37] Dracula was the last thing they worried about.

[36:39] They're like, let's just get some dude.

[36:41] We'll turn him into a bunch of flies or wolves or whatever.

[36:43] Yeah.

[36:44] But let's go to final judgments.

[36:45] Is this movie...

[36:47] Oh, hold on.

[36:48] I almost forgot our Shocktober categories.

[36:51] How could somebody forget that?

[36:52] Is it vitally scaring?

[36:54] Is it shockily stupefying?

[36:56] Or is it eerily good Vlad?

[36:59] Good Vlad?

[37:00] Yeah, good Vlad.

[37:02] Totally scarifying?

[37:04] Totally snorifying?

[37:06] Or frighteningly funny?

[37:09] Yeah, Stuart, you want to take this one?

[37:11] I'm just watching Dan try to snore.

[37:13] I don't know what's going on with Dan.

[37:14] Making a face.

[37:16] Okay, success.

[37:18] Dan's head explodes.

[37:20] Scanners!

[37:22] Ellie, why'd you do that?

[37:24] So we are going to say, we, the collective we,

[37:28] I'm going to say this is almost a good-bad movie.

[37:31] It's really stupid.

[37:32] Well, that's not one of the options in October.

[37:34] Wait, frighteningly funny, would that be?

[37:36] Yeah, I'd say frighteningly funny.

[37:37] It's a good one to watch with some pals

[37:39] and pop some corn, see some boobs.

[37:42] I would say it's a good one to watch with pals

[37:44] if you ride the fast-forward button a little.

[37:46] It's at times totally snorifying,

[37:48] but then you see a big praying mantis

[37:49] stab a guy with its claws.

[37:51] It does have the slowest, stupidest climax.

[37:54] Yes.

[37:55] But the climax was more fun than a lot of the, like,

[37:57] sitting around watching characters talk about nothing, you know?

[38:00] Sure.

[38:01] Yeah, it goes back and forth.

[38:02] There's a lot of scenes with Lucy and her dad.

[38:03] Like, you know, a couple episodes of Seinfeld or something.

[38:06] Now, what if Seinfeld was about Dracula?

[38:10] But, yeah, it's back and forth between snorifying and praying.

[38:13] What if Seinfeld was about Dracula?

[38:15] I think it might do a bit of something like this.

[38:17] One thing we realized while we were watching this movie, though,

[38:19] or at least I realized,

[38:20] Woody Allen wasted a huge opportunity

[38:23] by not doing a vampire movie.

[38:25] I can see an amazing Woody Allen 70s movie

[38:28] where he is like a nebbish who goes to do some work for,

[38:31] like, he's an accountant who goes to work for a vampire.

[38:33] He's constantly...

[38:34] And the sexy, like, nude vampirist tries to bite his...

[38:37] He's always trying to get the sexy vampire bride into bed.

[38:41] But he's a nervous guy.

[38:43] Eventually he gets bit,

[38:44] and he's like this nervous, nebbishy vampire

[38:46] who, like, slathers sunscreen all over his body

[38:49] or things like that.

[38:50] There's a lot of funny jokes in there.

[38:51] Woody, why did you have to make, you know, interiors

[38:55] when you could have made this Dracula movie?

[38:57] Count Dorkula.

[38:58] Sleeper's pretty good.

[38:59] Sleeper's all right.

[39:00] Yeah, but I feel like those would have been the two scripts he had,

[39:02] either Count Dorkula or Sleeper.

[39:06] Yeah.

[39:07] And do not tell me he might as well just made Fearless Vampire Killers.

[39:11] That is not a funny movie.

[39:13] No.

[39:14] It's an interesting movie.

[39:15] The tone is interesting.

[39:17] But that's what I'll say about that.

[39:20] So before we move on to our letters,

[39:26] we've got a few matters of business to take care of.

[39:29] Housekeeping, if you will?

[39:30] Yeah, number one, I'd like to say...

[39:33] Flophousekeeping.

[39:34] Wait, what?

[39:35] I was going to say house-cat-keeping.

[39:36] That would be weird.

[39:37] Then I changed it to Flophousekeeping.

[39:38] Okay, that's better.

[39:39] The Flophouse is honored to be part of the opening night

[39:42] of New York Podfest 2015.

[39:46] On January 9th at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York.

[39:50] The festival will kick off with the Risk Podcast,

[39:54] which is also from the Maximum Fun Network,

[39:56] hosted by Kevin Allison of The State.

[39:58] That will be at 8 p.m.

[40:00] Then the Flophouse, that's us, goes up at 10 p.m. Friday, January 9th at the Bell House.

[40:08] And tickets for our show are 10 bucks.

[40:10] 10 bucks? So you gotta make your own money out of metal?

[40:12] 10 bucks.

[40:13] Thank you.

[40:14] And if you want to make it a whole night and see Risk, that'll cost you another 12 bucks.

[40:20] We don't go on till 10, so you have plenty of time to get out of work, have a couple of beers,

[40:24] get shit-faced, and then get mad at us for fucking up stuff.

[40:28] Now here's the thing I'm going to say about this.

[40:29] Most Flophouse live shows, in fact all of them, have involved us seeing a movie

[40:33] and we riff on it before a live crowd.

[40:35] That's not what we're doing.

[40:36] For the first time ever, we will be recording an episode of the Flophouse in front of a live audience.

[40:41] Doing the same bullshit that you're listening to right now, but in front of people.

[40:45] You'll see our dumb faces while we do it.

[40:47] And if you're a listener at home, you're going to hear it sometime

[40:50] because we're going to record it and put it up on the air.

[40:52] And you're going to be like, oh man, I wish I was there.

[40:55] Don't tell them that. They've got to buy a ticket.

[40:58] Oh yeah, you've got to buy a ticket too. Just buy a ticket anyway.

[41:01] If you listen to it at home, you're not going to get a chance to ask a question live of the Flophouse host.

[41:06] You can interact with us live.

[41:09] From New York, it's the Flophouse.

[41:12] Starring me, the late Don Pardo.

[41:15] As a g-g-g-ghost.

[41:18] Musical guest, also me, playing the harp of an angel, because I'm dead now.

[41:24] Terrible.

[41:25] Or playing some skeletons of chess.

[41:28] Like a xylophone.

[41:30] It's like that one Disney cartoon.

[41:32] The Skeleton Dance by Alba Iwerks.

[41:37] So Dan, how do you get tickets to this amazing event?

[41:40] This live recording of the Flophouse.

[41:42] Do you put ten tin bucks in an envelope and mail it somewhere?

[41:46] Yeah, are they tin tin bucks?

[41:48] With Snowy's face on them?

[41:51] Why don't you just go to our website, flophousepodcast.com, and I'll throw up a link there for you to get tickets.

[41:59] I feel like tin tin bucks can only be redeemed for Nutella.

[42:04] And whatever the gel is he puts in his hair.

[42:07] Probably Nutella.

[42:08] Next, a little bit of housekeeping.

[42:10] This episode is coming out, right?

[42:14] But remember, let's just sum it up again.

[42:16] January 9th, Flophouse Podcast live at the New York Podfest at the Bell House.

[42:20] Buy tickets online.

[42:22] I think it's going to sell a lot of tickets.

[42:24] 10 p.m. for ten bucks.

[42:26] Ten at ten.

[42:27] Leno at ten-o.

[42:29] So this episode is coming out right in the middle of Max Fun Week,

[42:34] a week-long celebration of Maximum Fun Podcast,

[42:37] with lots of ways for fans to get involved.

[42:39] So head over to maximumfun.org to learn more about that.

[42:42] And as part of that, Mr. Stuart Wellington and I will be taking part in a Reddit AMA on Sunday the 19th.

[42:49] What does AMA stand for?

[42:51] Ask Me Anything.

[42:52] But there's two of us.

[42:53] Shouldn't it be A-U-A?

[42:55] Yeah, Ask Us Anything.

[42:57] Unfortunately, I can't make it because I've got a life.

[43:00] No, but continue.

[43:01] Yeah, it'll be on Sunday the 19th at 6.30 p.m.

[43:04] That's Eastern Time.

[43:07] What, 3.30 Pacific.

[43:09] So check that out.

[43:10] 11.30 p.m. London Time.

[43:12] And Ask Us Anything.

[43:13] In Japan, you're asleep. Don't even get involved.

[43:16] And that's the day after this podcast airs, yeah.

[43:19] Yes, and while we're on the subject,

[43:21] we'd like to reiterate how glad we are to now be on the Max Fun Network with a lot of great shows.

[43:25] I've said before, Jordan and Jesse Goh.

[43:27] Judge John Hodgman.

[43:28] Was one of the things that inspired me to start producing a podcast.

[43:31] Yes, Judge John Hodgman, our friend and colleague, has his show with the Max Fun Network.

[43:39] If you like our show, check out My Brother, My Brother and Me,

[43:42] which I feel has a lot of kinship with this sort of show we do here.

[43:46] There are a ton of great shows.

[43:48] Are we talking about movies and stuff?

[43:50] There's three dudes who…

[43:52] Are they talking about Ninja Turtles?

[43:54] Oh, there's dudes, okay.

[43:55] There's three dudes who, like, theoretically are doing a show about one thing,

[43:58] but it's mostly about just nonsense.

[44:00] Okay.

[44:01] So three dudes make sense, but, like, three ninjas, for instance.

[44:04] If you like this podcast, don't necessarily go watch Three Ninjas.

[44:07] Well, what about Three Ninjas Strike Back?

[44:09] Kick the kick back.

[44:10] What about…

[44:11] God damn it, the kick back.

[44:12] If the Empire Strikes Back, the three ninjas kick back.

[44:15] It'd be weird if it was The Empire Kicks Back.

[44:17] Would they like sidekicks, though, starring…

[44:20] Who wouldn't like sidekicks?

[44:21] Come on, John LeBrandis, Chuck Norris, Mr. Miyagi, right?

[44:24] He's in that.

[44:25] Probably.

[44:26] Probably in it.

[44:27] It's either Mr. Miyagi or Dax Shepard.

[44:28] I don't remember.

[44:29] Joel Grey, maybe?

[44:30] I know.

[44:31] Kurt Lancaster, is he in that?

[44:32] I know.

[44:33] Elliot, you've got to plug.

[44:34] So why don't you do that before I do my last little bit here.

[44:35] Okay.

[44:36] I'd like to plug a non-Flophouse thing, but it is kind of related in a way,

[44:37] but not really.

[44:38] I wrote an essay for a book called Never Can Say Goodbye,

[44:39] Writers on Their Unshakable Love for New York, edited by Sarah A. Botton,

[44:40] and it's out in bookstores now, or you can order it online.

[44:41] It's from Simon & Schuster, and it's ostensibly an essay

[44:42] about a couple of things.

[44:43] One of the things that I love about this book is that it's a little bit

[44:44] about a couple of things.

[44:45] One of the things that I love about this book is that it's a little bit

[44:46] a grownup in New York would be like from the movies I watched as a kid.

[45:10] So basically like, Muppets Take Manhattan, Gremlins II, Ghostbusters.

[45:15] Watching these as a kid made me think living life in New York as a grownup would be

[45:19] and the reality when I got there and I'm very proud of it and I hope everyone can buy a copy

[45:25] and enjoy it. It's called Never Can Say Goodbye, Writers on Their Unshakable Love for New York.

[45:30] There are a lot of other big names who wrote in it, bigger names than me,

[45:33] that's why my name is not on the cover.

[45:34] But you won't mention them because this is our contest.

[45:38] Because fuck those guys. Fuck it.

[45:39] Fuck those guys.

[45:40] Roasted.

[45:42] But last little bit of housekeeping, we have a winner for our contest

[45:46] seeking the new song of the autumn. It's called Rocket Crocodile and the World's Tomorrow.

[45:53] We'll be playing it as our outro music at the end of this very show.

[45:57] Congratulations!

[45:59] Yeah, congratulations to the winner, Jason McIsaac.

[46:03] There were a lot.

[46:03] McIsaac. Sorry, I fucking wrote a fucking typo into this.

[46:07] Congratulations to the winner, Jason McIsaac.

[46:10] So your inability to pronounce things has now spread to your writing as well.

[46:15] No, congratulations, Jason McIsaac, for taking our ramblings.

[46:17] I wondered why you wrote me a top 10 list the other day.

[46:21] Yeah.

[46:21] It's especially weird because The Daily Show doesn't do top 10 lists.

[46:24] Sure, but they do do lists of precious metals.

[46:27] Do do.

[46:27] Wait.

[46:30] You got me.

[46:31] Roasted.

[46:33] Wait, is tin even a precious metal?

[46:35] Not that precious, but I guess you could buy it and sell it. You know, it's useful.

[46:38] I mean, it's precious in that Wes Anderson sent it.

[46:40] It's precious in that it's based on the novel Push by Sapphire.

[46:49] Continue, Dan.

[46:50] I love that laugh.

[46:52] I love that laugh.

[46:57] So who is the contest winner, Dan?

[46:59] He said who twice. He's an owl.

[47:02] That's how it works. That's how it works.

[47:05] Dan is officially...

[47:06] I'll write up this contract real quick.

[47:09] Government, update your files on Dan McCoy.

[47:12] So it says species colon owl.

[47:15] I'm now owl magical.

[47:17] He is now homo owlensis, the man owl.

[47:20] Jason McIsaac, for taking our ramblings.

[47:23] Thank you for turning them into a catchy pop song.

[47:26] He is doing a great job.

[47:28] They might be giant-sy.

[47:30] I thought it was kind of... it had like a flaming lips feel.

[47:32] Yeah, it felt more flaming lips-y to me.

[47:34] Okay, I don't like that.

[47:35] The flaming's lips.

[47:38] Check him out. He's at Stupid Chewbacca on Twitter, if you want to follow him.

[47:43] And there'll be a t-shirt coming his way.

[47:45] And he's given us a few choices of films to talk about.

[47:48] Awesome.

[47:49] On a future episode, so look for that soon.

[47:52] And all the other entries were really great.

[47:55] I was really, really...

[47:56] Yeah, no, it was a lot of fun.

[47:57] I was a little partial to the Castle Freak one,

[48:02] if only because it reminded me that my voice sounds awesome all the time.

[48:06] Yeah, and I liked the one about me liking movies on planes,

[48:09] which came in a little too late to be on part of the official voting, but a lot of fun.

[48:13] I liked the Rocket Crocodile one because it was my voice.

[48:15] Yeah.

[48:16] And it won.

[48:16] You sound like Kermit when you're autotuned, though.

[48:19] Great.

[48:20] Yeah.

[48:20] That would be... I would love...

[48:22] It's not an insult.

[48:23] Yeah, as opposed to...

[48:24] I always saw you more as like a gonzo.

[48:27] I mean, personality-wise, yes, gonzo all the way.

[48:30] And he was my favorite as a kid.

[48:32] But voice-wise, I'm more like a mosquito trapped inside your ear that you can't get rid of.

[48:36] Sort of a scooter.

[48:38] Anyway.

[48:39] Let's not say things we can't say back.

[48:43] Hey, you know who you are?

[48:44] You're the most boring, blandest Muppet pre-The Muppets movie.

[48:47] Pre-Walter.

[48:48] Pre-Walter.

[48:50] Although, you know what?

[48:50] As a kid, I thought of myself as a gonzo, but I was probably Kermit.

[48:55] So let's get on to letters from listeners.

[48:57] I was really a Dr. Teeth.

[49:01] I think of myself as more of a Zoot.

[49:06] Letters.

[49:07] I was really more of a Fraggle.

[49:08] Yeah, yeah.

[49:11] Dozer.

[49:13] So, moving on.

[49:14] I was more of a Skeksis.

[49:18] Again, my favorites.

[49:19] In Dark Crystal, Skeksis were the heroes as far as I'm concerned.

[49:22] So.

[49:22] I always preferred the more lizard-y characters to the mammal characters.

[49:25] Sure.

[49:26] Just like I preferred the German dog in Call the Wild.

[49:31] So, we get letters from listeners.

[49:33] Oh, cool.

[49:33] And these are...

[49:34] And we never get songs.

[49:38] These are the letters of the Flophouse files.

[49:40] The names have not been changed because no one is innocent.

[49:44] Watch now as we answer these letters.

[49:49] It's letter time.

[49:51] It's letter time at the Flophouse.

[49:53] Letter time for you and for me.

[49:56] What's that time again?

[49:57] It's letter time.

[49:59] Time for letter...

[50:00] letters can't you see it's the time for letters the time for betters it's time

[50:06] to unleash those fetters for the letters it all becomes the same song eventually

[50:15] you said a thousand typewriters to a thousand letter song they eventually all

[50:19] become the same letters letters and fetters yeah so this goes let's get

[50:24] those letters tonight this letter goes like this hi floppers in honor of

[50:28] Elliott's new baby I've composed a series of questions for each of you

[50:32] relating to babies mmm no since would you consider your new baby more of a

[50:38] baby Herman the titular baby from baby's day out or the zombie baby from dead

[50:42] alive he's just a normal baby I don't know I'm gonna let him make his own

[50:47] choices in the world all right as long as he's not a baby Huey Stewart in a

[50:52] hypothetical situation where you're in a post-apocalyptic world with an awesome

[50:56] 80s soundtrack it's kind of his life already yeah and you could only have one

[51:01] sexy girlfriend named baby who would you pick baby from dirty dancing baby

[51:05] from sucker punch or baby from the devil's rejects what about baby from

[51:10] baby legend the lost dinosaur that would be great although I don't know if you

[51:16] could fit that baby dinosaur into some fishnets like a spiked collar but that

[51:22] might deflect the bullets that the that the poachers poachers are gonna shoot at

[51:26] her so answer the question uh I would I'd say baby from dirty dancing I mean

[51:31] I was always a pre nose job Jennifer Grey guy she's got a certain charm oh

[51:35] yeah it's right the nose the star of a major motion I think and and she was one

[51:41] of my probably my favorite part of Ferris Bueller's Day off yeah really

[51:45] okay yeah she's good in it you know you could uh you could also do with if it's

[51:49] pre nose job you put a scarf around her mouth and a fedora hat on it's like

[51:53] having sex with ladies the shadow it has to be lady the shadow I can't just

[51:58] be having sex with the shadow be weird it's Lamontina Cranston Lamont

[52:02] Cranston's sister so okay last okay pretend you're the shadow not love Martha

[52:07] wait wait wait what's his name just like Brian Cranston his son okay a lot of

[52:14] people don't know that Brian Cranston is the son of the shadow did he inherit the

[52:18] psychic powers uh yes that's how he's convinced everyone he's a good actor

[52:22] he's one of the 15 actors you thought were great but are actually terrible

[52:27] well who are they I don't know that's some kind of buzz BuzzFeed article oh

[52:31] yeah roasted BuzzFeed you're burned really Brian Cranston's really good

[52:36] anyway last question Dan if you were in charge of the remake of bringing up baby

[52:40] who would you cast in a Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn parts also what will

[52:44] you do? Katherine Heigl Gerard Butler. Modernize the script. Explosion CGI and

[52:48] boobs would be expected that's from flapjack Riley is it wait is he like a

[52:55] pilot in a 30s movie I think it's a lady but I see they could be pilots in 30s

[52:59] movies yeah dude okay I'm sorry just look at Amelia Earhart although

[53:03] modernizing a movie I don't feel involves boobs here's the boobs are like

[53:08] the titular baby kind of a dinosaur in the seduction yeah in this he's a

[53:15] leopard in this in seduction cinema it would be bringing up boobie would be the

[53:20] like porn parody I would not remake bringing up baby because I don't care

[53:24] for it we've talked about this before to me overrated yeah it's an overrated

[53:29] film the best Cary Grant's favorite Howard Hawks movie monkey business no I

[53:34] my favorite screwball Howard Hawks Cary Grant Howard Hawks made screwballs as a

[53:41] ghost his girl Friday his girl Friday to me is Friday is amazing yeah so you

[53:47] should remake that almost perfect movie I mean they've made it remade his well

[53:51] no you know they remade bringing a baby is who's that girl with Griffin Dunn and

[53:55] Madonna and what's up doc is pretty much a remake of bringing a baby but if I'm

[54:00] forced to recast bringing a baby uh I don't know Cary Cary Grant will be

[54:06] George Clooney and Catherine Hepburn will be got a Christian Shaw let's let's

[54:10] do that Christian shall be great I would I can see if there was a major

[54:13] motion picture I can easily see it being Emma Stone in the Catherine Hepburn room

[54:17] and the Cary Grant role it'd probably be like like Shia LaBeouf or whatever

[54:21] someone terrible and the leopard will be a sassy robot

[54:28] bringing up space baby but what if it was Tom Hardy in the Cary Grant role he

[54:32] can do comedy right and he's kind of show no I saw this means Warren I mean

[54:36] kind of funny in Bronson at times so this next letter goes like this I'm

[54:43] honestly confused is David Mamet a very good or great playwright and screenwriter

[54:48] but the worst director in the world or is the worst director Spike Lee and

[54:52] David Mamet just can't get people to talk move or human behavior in any way

[54:56] regardless he married Rebecca Pidgeon and that makes him a genius love Trevor

[55:00] middle name with help grim shot now come on Spike Lee made very great movies

[55:05] which is an amazing do the right things great movie she's got a habit is a

[55:09] really good movie it's made another really good man is a lot of inside man's

[55:12] really he got game is a good movie mm-hmm she hate me is a terrible movie

[55:17] he's done he's done a lot of good work so let's lay up Spike Lee but it's not

[55:21] all the miracle at st. Anna so it's time to trash David Mamet I mean David Mamet

[55:26] I like a lot of his stuff to tear him apart tear him a new one I like I don't

[55:30] know there's a plenty that I like the Spanish prisoner you know made a lot of

[55:33] movies very strange theory of acting where he wants the least amount of

[55:38] acting yeah like the most affect less and the thing except it becomes an

[55:42] effect eventually yeah you become so monotone that it becomes a flat

[55:48] distancing effect right and and also I feel like his theory of what makes good

[55:53] acting in that way is dismantled by people who actually are good actor like

[55:59] you know like Joe Mantegna when he's in those movies is not listening to what

[56:02] David Mamet has to say about that he's just doing his Joe Mantegna thing yeah

[56:06] he's bad Tony all the way you know and I he's and like David Mamet wrote the

[56:11] verdict right mm-hmm like that's a really good movie yeah he's a but he's

[56:15] I mean he's a genius for marrying Rebecca Pidgeon oh how so I find her

[56:19] very attractive yeah but I mean well otherwise so she's got so he's got to

[56:22] put this not good actress in all his movies yeah does it yeah does it make

[56:26] you a genius for appreciating somebody's beauty I would say that David Mamet is a

[56:30] crazy person yeah one of the reasons his mom even crazier like John

[56:35] Carpenter's made his share of crap but he's also made his share of great movies

[56:38] you know no one's a hundred percent except maybe Stuart Gordon maybe yes

[56:44] except Stuart Gordon yeah maybe maybe Jean Vigo who made only one feature

[56:49] length film in a couple shorts like yeah there almost no directors or writers are

[56:54] hundred percent yeah it's hard to make a good thing just one good thing so if

[57:00] someone makes one good thing we should appreciate them for that I feel like and

[57:03] after watching Dario Genta's Dracula I think we had a pretty good case that

[57:06] neither Spike Lee nor David Mamet or the worst director but moving on Adam last

[57:11] name of the world writes greetings from the UK or perhaps by you the time you

[57:16] read this the K I think that's how it'll work no don't worry Alan's Alan cited

[57:20] not to secede after a long night of drinking warm beer and wearing a bowler

[57:24] hat I decided to listen to my favorite podcast 17 minutes in Elliot says

[57:29] something very similar to the line I had read in the big sleep just hours before

[57:32] the set off a train of thought that eventually led to this question did

[57:36] Raymond Chandler rip me off yes are there any characters from other media

[57:41] that you love so much no actor would ever be able to portray them well enough

[57:46] for your standards yeah Lincoln dude have you ever thought there was a

[57:49] character like that and been proven wrong love the podcast you guys are my

[57:53] favorite bi-weekly event that's Adam last name withheld so you say able I

[57:58] mean he's not a character I'm the I mean oh he's again what with the rail

[58:03] splitting the emancipation I mean that's I definitely have such a strong in my

[58:13] head that I think no performance is ever gonna be quite what I'm looking for but

[58:17] when it comes to like fictional characters I know there's probably like

[58:20] superhero characters or something that if they ever made a movie of the man who

[58:25] was Thursday yeah which is one of my favorite books of all time I think it'd

[58:29] be hard-pressed for them to find the right people for that now that Orson

[58:33] Wells is dead because Orson Wells would've been perfect for the role of

[58:36] Sunday the the mastermind criminal who is larger than life and just his very

[58:41] face frightens people with its you know with just the power inherent in it it

[58:47] would be hard to find someone who can do that but I don't see them ever making

[58:50] a movie that even though it'd be great I don't know that I have that sort of

[58:53] attachment to a particular character like for instance my like the fictional

[58:59] character I feel like I might have the most attachment to is Sherlock Holmes

[59:03] but I actually have like I mean you know I've enjoyed Jeremy Brett's Sherlock

[59:08] Holmes very much more recently I've enjoyed Benedict Cumberbatch's Sherlock

[59:13] Holmes I don't have a like I haven't gotten angry I mean I haven't gotten

[59:18] angry at portrayals of Sherlock Holmes but they're also good ones out there I

[59:23] have a lot of fondness for like the Lewis Carroll's Alice books but it's

[59:28] not like I've got a particular fondness for the character of Alice because

[59:31] there's not really a character there it's more that I'm mad at movies and

[59:36] and shows trying to like capture that the character is the world yeah it takes

[59:42] place in like even the Cheshire Cat who's like a popular character like he

[59:46] doesn't have doesn't do that much he doesn't have much of a he has he has one

[59:50] characteristic right like nothing for me has like yeah like Boba Fett exactly no

[59:54] adaptation has captured those books but it's not a question of the character

[59:59] per se yeah

[1:00:00] I think, well, Stuart, you answer, and then I was going to say something about the reverse.

[1:00:04] I actually think it's funny, like I would say the character or relationship that I feel

[1:00:10] very close to is Jack Aubrey and Stephen Maturin in the Patrick O'Brien novels, but I actually

[1:00:16] think the movie did a good enough job that, I mean, I guess I kind of went in there not

[1:00:23] holding it as a sacred cow, and I thought it did well enough that I don't really care.

[1:00:27] I'll think of one, Stuart, Game of Thrones.

[1:00:30] I think your connection to that will make it very hard for any portrayal.

[1:00:34] But that's the entire thing, like it's something I know that there's nothing this TV show can

[1:00:40] do to make me like it.

[1:00:42] Like I've read those books way too many times, and I don't need a Cliff Notes version.

[1:00:47] I'll tell you one where it's kind of the reverse is The Thin Man, speaking of not Raymond Chandler

[1:00:52] but Raymond Chandler-like, Dashiell Hammett, that I saw the movie before I ever read the

[1:00:56] book.

[1:00:57] I love the movie so much.

[1:00:58] Nick Charles is maybe my favorite, particularly that performance of him, my favorite fictional

[1:01:04] character ever, and I read the book, and the book was too different to character, and I

[1:01:09] couldn't accept it.

[1:01:10] It was like to me, William Powell is Nick Charles, and the version of the book is much

[1:01:14] nastier.

[1:01:15] He and his wife are mean to each other.

[1:01:18] They're really much drinkier, and I couldn't handle it.

[1:01:22] Drinkier than the movie?

[1:01:23] Wow.

[1:01:24] Because in the movie, they're like pretty, he's a fun drunk, and in the book, they're

[1:01:27] always drinking, but in a way that makes them like snipe at each other, you know?

[1:01:30] It feels much more like a crutch.

[1:01:33] More like an handicapped sort of fellow.

[1:01:35] Yeah, exactly.

[1:01:36] Yeah.

[1:01:37] Nora's always kicking him out, hitting him with a rolling pin.

[1:01:39] There's a rolling pin always hovering just behind his head.

[1:01:42] Sure.

[1:01:43] It's like a guillotine.

[1:01:44] But like if there was ever like a movie version of like Peanuts or something like that, I

[1:01:48] could see being unhappy with it.

[1:01:51] It would be terrible.

[1:01:52] I mean, there's the TV specials, but, you know.

[1:01:54] But last letter.

[1:01:55] This is a handwritten note.

[1:01:57] It says, I have your wife.

[1:02:00] It goes like this.

[1:02:01] Dear Peaches, I wanted to thank you for the many hours of delightful entertainment.

[1:02:07] Please find enclosed a hat for Dan, a beer cozy for Stuart, and a tiny hat for Elliot

[1:02:13] or his newborn son.

[1:02:15] Do you guys have any other knitted miscellany, ding-dong, cozies, et cetera?

[1:02:21] Let me know.

[1:02:22] If you guys need any more, sorry, knitted miscellany.

[1:02:25] Pervon Pervozoids, Kitty last name withheld.

[1:02:27] P.S.

[1:02:28] I'm watching Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure at the moment.

[1:02:31] It's everything you said it would be.

[1:02:34] But yeah.

[1:02:35] I don't know what a girl would get out of that movie.

[1:02:38] I think of all people, Kitty would get something.

[1:02:41] Well, Kitty might, yeah.

[1:02:42] Another commenter on the Facebook page, and someone who brings a lot of life and pervocity

[1:02:49] to it.

[1:02:50] Thank you very much for the hats.

[1:02:51] Yeah, we were seeing my beer hat.

[1:02:54] Your knitted materials.

[1:02:55] It's a hat for my beer's bottom.

[1:02:57] And Sammy looks super cute in your hat.

[1:03:00] Yeah.

[1:03:01] I have to report with sadness that my wife looks much cuter in the hat that you knitted

[1:03:05] than I do.

[1:03:07] But that's probably just true in life.

[1:03:09] Shouldn't that make you happy that your wife looks cuter than you?

[1:03:13] Yeah, I'll take it.

[1:03:15] I hate to break it to you, Dan.

[1:03:16] Your wife is cuter than you.

[1:03:18] Yeah.

[1:03:19] I'm assuming she looks better in most particles of clothing than you do.

[1:03:22] Pretty much anything.

[1:03:23] I mean, you're a gentleman.

[1:03:24] Or nothing at all.

[1:03:25] Wow.

[1:03:26] I mean, I thought you were a gentleman.

[1:03:27] I'm giving you a taste of your own medicine.

[1:03:28] Poisoned by his own butt-tard.

[1:03:29] I really, genuinely don't care.

[1:03:30] I appreciate your appreciation.

[1:03:31] Anyway.

[1:03:32] Oh, the way you say I don't care makes it weird, John.

[1:03:33] Now you made me feel really gross.

[1:03:34] No, it's fine.

[1:03:35] This was supposed to be, you were supposed to be mad and then you said you were too open

[1:03:36] and it made you feel gross.

[1:03:37] I'm glad that you feel that way.

[1:03:38] No, I don't.

[1:03:39] Okay, let's stop.

[1:03:40] Thanks, everybody.

[1:03:41] Stop.

[1:03:42] I don't like it.

[1:03:43] It's gross.

[1:03:44] Good work.

[1:03:45] This became like the scene in Computer Chess where that swinger couple tries to get the

[1:03:46] one chess player to have sex with them and I don't like that.

[1:04:25] Have fun.

[1:04:26] Now I'm a mouse I guess in this scenario.

[1:04:27] Time for us to recommend a movie that we actually liked and it being Shocktober if we can, horror

[1:04:34] or scary movies might be the order of the day.

[1:04:38] Well, here's one.

[1:04:39] I'm going to recommend a movie called Scary Movie.

[1:04:41] It is a scary movie.

[1:04:42] No, it's not.

[1:04:43] No kidding.

[1:04:44] We've seen that.

[1:04:45] No, that's not what I'm going to recommend.

[1:04:46] Who wants to go first?

[1:04:48] You started talking.

[1:04:49] Okay.

[1:04:50] Well, I think I'll do you one better, not just a horror movie, but a vampire movie

[1:04:53] since the movie we watched today was about Doss Markey.

[1:04:56] Is it A Vampire in Brooklyn?

[1:04:57] It is not A Vampire in Brooklyn, neither is it A Tree Grows in Brooklyn or A Vampire Tree

[1:05:01] Grows in Brooklyn.

[1:05:02] Is it Innocent Blood?

[1:05:03] No.

[1:05:04] Is it?

[1:05:05] Keep asking.

[1:05:06] Keep guessing.

[1:05:07] Embrace of the Vampire.

[1:05:08] It is not that.

[1:05:09] It's not Vampire's Kiss.

[1:05:10] It's none of those things.

[1:05:13] It's not a movie about like a Chinese vampire who hops around and counts rice.

[1:05:17] Sure, a Yamchi.

[1:05:18] Instead, I want to recommend a movie called Shadow of the Vampire, which people may have

[1:05:22] seen with John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe, and it's the movie in which John Malkovich

[1:05:27] plays F. W. Murnau making Nosferatu, and they have hired Willem Dafoe, who is an actual

[1:05:39] vampire to play Count Orlok, the vampire in the film, and it's a surprisingly creepy

[1:05:45] movie that is also a surprisingly funny but also sad look at behind the scenes of a movie

[1:05:52] and also how depressing it would be to be a vampire shut up in a castle.

[1:05:58] I'm not a fan of the vampire as tragic, romantic hero, but there is something about the tragedy

[1:06:04] of outliving everyone and being an outcast that is genuinely sad.

[1:06:08] It's a curse.

[1:06:09] It's a curse, yeah.

[1:06:10] It's not just the gift of eternal life.

[1:06:11] It's also a curse, and this is a movie that I remember when I first saw it in the theaters,

[1:06:15] which, jeez, 14 years ago, I don't know.

[1:06:19] I was surprised at how far it went with its premise and kind of that it wasn't afraid

[1:06:24] to follow that story where it most plausibly would lead in terms of a man who is so obsessed

[1:06:30] with making a movie that he doesn't mind that his star is eating people and a star who is

[1:06:34] a vampire and is driven to feast on the people that he's working with.

[1:06:38] So 14 years ago, would you even have been able to get in that movie?

[1:06:42] Yes, I would.

[1:06:43] Did you have to take off your beanie with a propeller on it?

[1:06:45] I was 19 years old.

[1:06:46] You should be allowed in.

[1:06:47] Yeah, I had to stand on my friend's shoulders with a trench coat around us.

[1:06:50] I was in college, Stuart.

[1:06:52] But Shadow of the Vampire...

[1:06:53] A real Doogie Howser over here, I guess.

[1:06:56] It's a movie that has kind of fallen by the wayside, and I'd like to recommend it.

[1:07:00] I think it's a good vampire movie.

[1:07:03] I would like to recommend a movie that I rewatched recently by an unknown filmmaker by the name

[1:07:11] of Steven Spielberg, and it is called Duel, one of his very earliest movies.

[1:07:21] It was made for television but released theatrically in a slightly longer version.

[1:07:29] It's a Richard Matheson scripted film about a mild-mannered man played by Dennis Weaver

[1:07:37] who is driving along an abandoned desert road and gets into a battle with an unseen truck

[1:07:49] driver of a very scary, rusty, smoky truck that tries to kill him, basically, over the

[1:07:58] course of his trip.

[1:08:00] And what really struck me rewatching it recently is how even that early in Spielberg's career,

[1:08:06] it's really one of the very first feature-length things he did.

[1:08:10] I think he did one earlier thing that was a feature-length for television movie, just

[1:08:17] how skilled he was, particularly in the sound design of the movie.

[1:08:22] There was the sound design of this film with what's going on inside the car, what's going

[1:08:29] on outside the car, the kind of...

[1:08:33] on the radio in the car in a way that kind of provides a counterpoint to the tension

[1:08:39] of the film, the fact that the movie takes about half an hour before the music ever kicks

[1:08:45] in and then when it kicks in, that actually means something, that the score is happening.

[1:08:53] It's a pretty amazing film on that technical level, and it also does some amazing things

[1:08:58] just like... this is a film that basically just has one guy in it, as the focus of it,

[1:09:05] in a limited location inside this car, and you've got him interacting with people at

[1:09:13] different times in the movie, you've got some voiceover, but mostly it's just like a very

[1:09:20] limited amount of resources that Spielberg has to work with.

[1:09:25] It's a restricted point of view.

[1:09:26] Yeah, but it provides so much tension over the course of the film.

[1:09:32] It's just an amazing...

[1:09:35] I wouldn't say debut, because it wasn't really his debut, but it's a dry run for the sort

[1:09:40] of thing that happens in Jaws, and as Spielberg later said in his career, it's a lot harder

[1:09:46] eliciting fear from a truck than it is from a shark, and it's impressive what he was able

[1:09:52] to do with all that.

[1:09:54] Mick Garris and Stephen King would say otherwise.

[1:09:58] A little film called...

[1:10:00] It's a little thing called Max Fun Overdrive with a green goblin of a truck and a soda

[1:10:06] machine that shoots a guy in the balls with a soda can.

[1:10:10] But I recommend...

[1:10:11] Played straight.

[1:10:12] Not the laughs at all.

[1:10:13] Not a funny scene.

[1:10:14] Think about it.

[1:10:15] If that happened to you, you would not be laughing.

[1:10:16] Oh, no.

[1:10:17] You would be in serious pain.

[1:10:18] You'd have liquefied testicles.

[1:10:20] Yeah.

[1:10:21] Right?

[1:10:22] Yeah, it would be liquefied.

[1:10:23] Yeah, I didn't really know they would hit you that hard.

[1:10:25] Okay, so...

[1:10:26] So thanks, Dan, for selling us on Steven Spielberg.

[1:10:27] Well, but Duel is a pretty little-seen movie, even now.

[1:10:31] It's more known than it is seen.

[1:10:34] Yeah.

[1:10:35] So to continue this theme of cars, and I don't...

[1:10:40] That was just me.

[1:10:42] My movie, I guess they drive a car to get to the castle.

[1:10:45] That's the thing.

[1:10:48] And Rugger Hauer movies, I'm going to recommend...

[1:10:52] What?

[1:10:54] I don't know why you need to stretch so hard for your segway theme.

[1:10:58] I'm going to recommend a movie called Castle Break.

[1:11:01] Neither cars nor Rugger Hauer.

[1:11:03] Speaking of...

[1:11:04] There's tons of cars in Castle Break, bro.

[1:11:05] That's what it's known for.

[1:11:06] You might say that Rugger Hauer's spirit hovers over the film.

[1:11:11] I'm going to recommend a movie from 1986 called The Hitcher, starring C. Thomas Howell.

[1:11:19] Soul Man himself.

[1:11:20] That's right.

[1:11:21] You might know him from Soul Man.

[1:11:23] Society himself, C. Thomas Howell.

[1:11:27] And he is son of Mr. Howell, the millionaire.

[1:11:31] Oh, who died on that deserted island.

[1:11:33] Tragic.

[1:11:34] And this is also a somewhat...

[1:11:36] Oh, wait, you got some more jokes?

[1:11:38] The real-life subject of the film, The Howelling.

[1:11:44] A guy who turns into C. Thomas Howell.

[1:11:49] And now he's bitten by a C. Thomas Howell.

[1:11:51] And when the moon is full, he turns into C. Thomas Howell.

[1:11:54] Yeah.

[1:11:55] Go on, Stuart.

[1:11:56] The Howelling 4.

[1:11:57] My sister is in blackface.

[1:12:01] The only thing I remember about that movie is...

[1:12:05] There was an ad for it where there's a joke about how he's in blackface,

[1:12:10] but he has a white penis.

[1:12:12] And some guy sees him peeing in a urinal.

[1:12:15] And he explains that sometimes it happens like that.

[1:12:18] And even as a kid, I'm like, this is a bad taste.

[1:12:22] I'm not going to watch this.

[1:12:24] I'm uncomfortable.

[1:12:25] You're like James Earl Jones.

[1:12:26] Why are you in this?

[1:12:27] And so the premise of the movie is a young man is driving a car.

[1:12:33] I believe across Route 66.

[1:12:36] And he runs a foul from a mysterious stranger.

[1:12:42] Yeah, he runs a foul restaurant.

[1:12:45] It's called Rutgers Chicka-Chack.

[1:12:48] C. Thomas Howell's Chicka-Chack.

[1:12:50] So he runs afoul of a hitchhiker played by Rugger Howell.

[1:12:55] And I almost said Rugger Howell.

[1:12:58] Let me finish this recommendation quick.

[1:13:00] Rugger Howell.

[1:13:01] Where you quickly realize there's something off with this hitchhiker.

[1:13:06] And the hitchhiker attempts to kill him.

[1:13:08] Yeah, you realize it's Rugger Howell, which means he's crazy.

[1:13:11] And he's super intense the entire movie.

[1:13:13] And the entire movie is basically one long chase.

[1:13:17] And you have a young Jennifer Jason Leigh in the mix.

[1:13:19] A young Jennifer Jason Leigh in the mix.

[1:13:21] And it's a very intense movie.

[1:13:24] And it's a movie about a normal guy being pushed too far.

[1:13:28] And it's very gory.

[1:13:31] And it's a very tense movie without a lot of characters.

[1:13:34] And I think it's great.

[1:13:36] And it's much better than the remake where Sean Bean played the hitcher role.

[1:13:42] And I think he shoots a helicopter out of the sky with a pistol.

[1:13:47] So don't watch that.

[1:13:49] Watch the original.

[1:13:50] And the movie was directed by a guy.

[1:13:52] It was like his second movie.

[1:13:53] And he went on to do basically – he went on to be a working director.

[1:13:58] But they're all Tom Selleck-starring TV movies.

[1:14:02] And I just remember the hitcher.

[1:14:05] All the Jesse Stone movies.

[1:14:07] Nice.

[1:14:09] I guess he's a cop or something.

[1:14:11] I don't know.

[1:14:12] He's an alcoholic.

[1:14:13] All the Quigley Down Under movies.

[1:14:15] He did not draw Quigley Down Under.

[1:14:17] The Quigley series.

[1:14:19] There's Quigley Down Under.

[1:14:20] There was Quigley in Egypt.

[1:14:23] Quigley at the center of the earth.

[1:14:25] Yeah, Quigley in the mummy's tomb.

[1:14:26] Quigley goes to the moon.

[1:14:28] Quigley in the time of the dinosaurs.

[1:14:32] Quigley under the rainbow.

[1:14:33] Yeah, Quigley meets Mr. Baseball.

[1:14:35] It was a Tom Selleck sort of horse.

[1:14:38] A lot of digital effects.

[1:14:40] Yeah, three men and a Quigley.

[1:14:42] Quigley eats the –

[1:14:50] Eat what?

[1:14:52] I don't know where you're going.

[1:14:53] You're going to say the moon again.

[1:14:55] You're going to say –

[1:14:56] I was going to say the moon again.

[1:14:58] It doesn't make any sense.

[1:15:01] Well, it's made of cheese, I guess, and Quigley's like cheese.

[1:15:04] That's his character.

[1:15:06] He loves cheese.

[1:15:07] Wait, hold on.

[1:15:08] Hold on.

[1:15:09] The talent of Mr. Quigley.

[1:15:10] There you go.

[1:15:11] Thank you.

[1:15:12] You're going to say Magnum PQ.

[1:15:13] The Q standing for Quigley, of course.

[1:15:14] Yeah, private Quigley.

[1:15:15] PDQ Bach.

[1:15:16] Well, guys, another Shocktober.

[1:15:22] Lymphs to a weird end.

[1:15:25] Yeah, I mean it's not a real thing.

[1:15:28] A person once told me that at the beginning of every October, she prays that she'll see a ghost.

[1:15:34] I can't remember who said that.

[1:15:36] But every Shocktober, I begin the month by praying I'm going to see an actual good horror movie on the Flophouse.

[1:15:42] Has it happened?

[1:15:43] No, never.

[1:15:45] Hardly ever.

[1:15:47] Never?

[1:15:48] No, never.

[1:15:49] Well, hardly ever.

[1:15:51] There's hardly ever a good horror movie on the Flophouse.

[1:15:57] Sorry?

[1:15:58] Well, maybe next year.

[1:15:59] Maybe next year, guys.

[1:16:01] Okay, so stay tuned for the Song of the Autumn.

[1:16:04] Put a tooth under your pillow.

[1:16:07] Does it have to be one of mine because I need mine?

[1:16:09] Can I get someone else's teeth?

[1:16:11] Maybe we'll be rewarded with a good horror movie next year.

[1:16:13] That's why you got a baby, right?

[1:16:14] That's basically a tooth factory.

[1:16:15] Yeah, and in his mouth, no teeth.

[1:16:17] Thanks for nothing.

[1:16:19] Every day I look in there and I start tapping around looking for teeth.

[1:16:23] Nothing.

[1:16:25] I put a lot of money into this kid.

[1:16:26] I'm getting no teeth out.

[1:16:29] Well, on that very weird note.

[1:16:32] On that very weird note, let me just say, do not mail us your teeth.

[1:16:34] Stay tuned for the new Song of the Autumn.

[1:16:37] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:16:39] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:16:41] I am proud to be Elliot Kalin.

[1:16:43] Good night, everyone.

[1:16:46] So sad sounding.

[1:16:48] Let's move on to recommendations.

[1:16:57] Movies that you may have seen recently.

[1:17:00] Can we recommend movies we haven't seen?

[1:17:02] Yes.

[1:17:03] In which case I'd like to recommend it's called Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow.

[1:17:07] It's a movie that doesn't exist and I'm making it up as I go along.

[1:17:10] I think I've seen this movie in my dreams.

[1:17:14] I'm giving it five out of five basings.

[1:17:18] It involves a crocodile astronaut, falls through a time machine warp,

[1:17:22] and becomes a rock star in the world of the future.

[1:17:26] Which also has dinosaurs and Gina Gershon is nude in like every scene.

[1:17:32] Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow.

[1:17:45] You're thinking of The Devil Wears Nada.

[1:17:48] I thought I was thinking of The Invisible Maniac again.

[1:17:52] I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but he kills a guy with a submarine sandwich.

[1:18:01] I'm just going to sign off.

[1:18:02] No, no, I got a recommendation to make.

[1:18:04] A real one?

[1:18:05] Sure.

[1:18:06] It's called Rocket Crocodile Goes to the Past.

[1:18:19] Rocket Crocodile has to go to the fifties to get his parents together,

[1:18:22] because otherwise he won't be born.

[1:18:26] He has to stop the clothing bandit,

[1:18:28] who's stealing clothing from all the beautiful women in the world.

[1:18:31] I thought I was thinking of The Invisible Maniac earlier.

[1:18:34] Soundtracked by Talking Heads and Dancing.

[1:18:37] Glenn Danzig and David Byrne finally working together.

[1:18:40] Did I mention that Rocket Crocodile's sidekick is a wisecracking zebra?

[1:18:44] No.

[1:18:45] And he's a girl.

[1:18:46] Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow.

The Flop House: Episode #163 - Dracula 3D

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