Episode #166 - Pompeii

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On tonight's episode, we watched Pompeii.

Elliott Kalan

[0:04] It forward. Pompeii it forward.

[0:07] Uh, what?

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:39] Hey everyone, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:41] Elliot Kalin here, rounding out the cast as himself.

[0:44] Yeah.

[0:45] And featuring no one else.

[0:47] Just three guys.

[0:49] Special guest star, the regular people.

Dan McCoy

[0:51] It's like a one-man show times three.

Elliott Kalan

[0:54] Yep. We're like a bunch of three stooges, except there's only one of us.

[0:58] Wait.

[0:59] Oh yeah, this is one of those identity movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01] Oh, okay. So we're all in John Cusack's head.

Dan McCoy

[1:03] Yeah, and we're like, John, what is with the career choices you're making?

[1:06] It's like multiplicity if they stopped at two clones.

[1:10] Plus the original guy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13] Yeah, exactly.

[1:15] It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if there was a third guy who was also involved.

[1:20] Larry.

[1:21] Called Larry Hyde, Dr. Jekyll's buddy.

Dan McCoy

[1:24] Dr. Jekyll's buddy, Larry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:26] Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Larry.

[1:28] Even Larry's like, I feel like I'm kind of extraneous here, guys.

[1:35] Kind of a third wheel.

[1:35] But many things have three wheels.

[1:38] Tricycles, that Mr. Bean car that's always getting knocked over.

[1:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:42] Motorcycles with side cars.

[1:44] I guess they've got four wheels, really.

[1:45] Yeah.

[1:46] I mean, not if you build them wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[1:49] It's true.

[1:50] If it's built brokenly, then yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:52] So would Larry be the id, the ego, or the superego, Dan?

[1:56] No, he's the neighbor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:57] Oh, he's.

[1:57] Who's always like, what's going on over at the Jekyll place?

[2:00] I got to check in.

[2:02] Yeah.

[2:02] It's kind of a three's company situation.

[2:03] He's the Mr. Roper.

Stuart Wellington

[2:03] So he always walks in and he thinks Dr. Jekyll's giving Mr. Hyde a handjob or something.

Dan McCoy

[2:08] No.

[2:09] They're like, no, we're teaching each other to dance.

[2:11] And he's like, that's not what it looked like.

Stuart Wellington

[2:13] Only one of them at a time.

[2:14] But yeah.

[2:14] Yes.

[2:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] Certainly.

[2:17] We're teaching each other to dance.

[2:19] It's called masturbating, guys.

[2:21] Grow up.

[2:22] What?

[2:23] Okay.

[2:24] Don't understand where this conversation went.

[2:26] Dan, what do we do on this thing that we're doing?

[2:28] What is this?

Stuart Wellington

[2:30] Theoretically, we watch.

[2:31] It's a podcast that you download.

Dan McCoy

[2:32] Yeah.

[2:33] Thanks.

[2:33] I mean, they know that.

[2:36] Presumably, they know that part.

Stuart Wellington

[2:37] Unless they're streaming it.

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:39] Or they're like being trapped somewhere.

Dan McCoy

[2:41] Look, you've got this podcast.

[2:43] Somehow.

[2:43] Maybe you downloaded it.

[2:44] Maybe you found it in a bottle that you found in the ocean.

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] Yeah.

[2:47] Maybe a genie gave you a compact disc to play.

[2:52] And this was on.

Stuart Wellington

[2:53] He yanked it out of a Hellraiser guy's head.

Dan McCoy

[2:56] But the point is, we watch a bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[2:59] Maybe you're at an exorcism.

[3:02] And the demon-possessed youth is just repeating this to you.

[3:06] The point is, it's a podcast.

[3:08] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:08] The premise, such as it is, that we watch a bad movie and then we discuss it.

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] And then we yakety-yak about it.

[3:13] With you.

Dan McCoy

[3:13] I mean, you don't really say anything.

[3:15] I mean, you can't.

[3:15] I mean, you can say, yeah.

[3:16] We just won't.

[3:16] We won't hear you.

Elliott Kalan

[3:17] We won't hear it.

[3:17] Not because we can't, but because we refuse to.

[3:21] Whatever you're saying right now, I can't hear it.

[3:22] La, la, la, la.

[3:23] Not listening.

[3:24] Dan, continue.

Dan McCoy

[3:25] So, we watched tonight Pompeii.

[3:29] Pompeii!

[3:29] Based on the true story of Pompeii.

Elliott Kalan

[3:32] Well, loosely based on real events.

[3:35] Yeah.

[3:35] And I was surprised to find that Pompeii is about as old-fashioned a natural disaster movie set

[3:43] in a historical setting as you can get.

[3:45] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:46] What are other historical disaster films?

[3:49] Well, I'm going to recommend one.

[3:51] Dante's Peak.

Elliott Kalan

[3:51] But you have movies like San Francisco, The Last Days of Pompeii, which is a much, much

[3:58] earlier movie about the eruption of Vesuvius.

Dan McCoy

[4:01] It's good that they said The Last Days of Pompeii rather than The Early Days of Pompeii.

[4:04] It's then founding the city.

Stuart Wellington

[4:05] People are like, when's this volcano going to erupt?

[4:08] What about The Poseidon Adventure?

[4:11] No, not exactly.

[4:13] What about Titanic?

[4:14] I think it was.

Elliott Kalan

[4:15] Titanic, kind of.

[4:16] I mean, that's less of a natural disaster, but you'd have a lot of these movies.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] And this movie certainly wishes it was Titanic at points.

Elliott Kalan

[4:23] Yes, very much so.

[4:24] During the studio era especially, you had a lot of movies that were like, we're going

[4:27] to take a real life, like the San Francisco earthquake or like the fire, Great Fire of Chicago.

[4:34] And we're going to add Mickey Rooney do it.

[4:36] Well, yeah, always.

[4:38] That was law, though.

[4:39] Roosevelt signed that into law.

[4:40] Yeah.

[4:40] It was the Mickey Rooney Historical Disaster Film Act because Rooney needed the work.

[4:44] Come on.

[4:45] He was just a kid.

[4:46] He was supporting his whole family.

[4:47] It was the Depression.

[4:48] Anyway, so you had a, they would say, here's a natural disaster.

[4:52] Everyone knows it's going to happen.

[4:53] So that's instant suspense.

[4:55] We'll have a love triangle between like a good guy and a bad guy and a girl.

[5:00] Okay.

[5:01] And then, yeah, that was the third point.

[5:02] Yeah, there's only two points.

Stuart Wellington

[5:03] So she was the Larry in this case.

[5:05] Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde, and Larry.

Elliott Kalan

[5:07] Oh, yeah, it's a love triangle.

[5:08] Did I not mention that?

[5:09] Dr. Jekyll has a crush on Larry, but Larry has a crush on Hyde.

[5:12] Yeah, because he's a bad boy, dude.

[5:15] It's a real Superman-clark situation.

[5:16] So Dr. Jekyll keeps changing into Hyde to get Larry to like him.

[5:20] And at the end, Larry's like, Dr. Jekyll, I wasn't going to like you until you liked yourself.

[5:24] Exactly.

[5:25] And Dr. Jekyll's like, so you like me now?

[5:26] And Larry's like, no, I don't.

[5:28] I'm going out with Dracula now.

Stuart Wellington

[5:30] The ultimate Mr. Hyde.

Elliott Kalan

[5:33] The ultimate bad boy.

Dan McCoy

[5:35] Dracula, the ultimate Mr. Hyde.

[5:37] What a weird slogan.

Stuart Wellington

[5:39] So speaking of Dragulas, this movie has Kiefer Zettler.

Elliott Kalan

[5:43] How is he a Dracula?

Stuart Wellington

[5:44] He was a Dracula in Lost Boys, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[5:47] I guess he was a vampire.

[5:49] He wasn't a Dracula.

[5:51] Unless it was called Dracula's Kids.

[5:53] It was the Drac Pack.

[5:56] Little Draculas.

[5:57] Little Dracula Jr.

Stuart Wellington

[5:59] California Dracs.

[5:59] Little known fact about Drac.

[6:01] Drac.

[6:02] I didn't have anything.

[6:03] I just wanted to say that.

[6:04] You just wanted to say that.

Elliott Kalan

[6:05] He has a kid named Kiefer.

[6:08] So let's talk about...

[6:09] Strapped in a mirror world.

[6:10] This is an old-fashioned formula.

[6:12] And this is a...

[6:12] And they did not add anything new to it until, let's say, the last 25 minutes of the movie.

[6:17] Let's explain.

[6:19] We begin in Britannia in the year 62 AD.

[6:22] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Dan McCoy

[6:24] This is a movie about the Roman city of Pompeii.

Elliott Kalan

[6:26] Well, technically, Rome was just a city.

[6:29] It was a...

[6:30] It's the ancient city of Pompeii that was part of the empire, I guess.

[6:34] All right.

[6:34] Carry on.

[6:35] So, carry on.

[6:36] That wasn't my concern.

[6:37] Like the British series, carry on.

[6:39] Carry on up your mother.

[6:40] It's bloomers.

[6:41] Whoa.

[6:42] Whoa.

[6:43] Whatever.

[6:44] It was the unreleased one.

[6:46] Yeah.

[6:48] Dad's mom, it was called.

[6:51] Dad's armies, carry on.

[6:52] Dad's armies, mom, carry on up the academy of your life.

[6:56] Up your bloody...

[6:57] Are you being served towers?

[7:00] Yeah.

[7:00] Python.

[7:02] Et cetera.

[7:05] Why are you looking at me, Dan?

[7:07] Damn busters.

[7:08] Yeah.

[7:09] Yeah, why were you looking at Stuart?

[7:10] I don't know.

[7:11] He's a handsome fellow.

[7:12] He is.

[7:12] Nice to look at.

[7:13] Anyway, we start in Britannia.

[7:14] And I know it's about Pompeii, but for some reason we start in Britannia.

[7:17] And here's the reason.

[7:18] Because...

Stuart Wellington

[7:19] The Couls of Doom's about to show up and kill Conan's dad and mom.

Elliott Kalan

[7:23] Pretty much, yes.

[7:24] So the Romans are subduing the Celts.

[7:27] And in doing so, they massacre a village, but they leave one boy alive by accident who

[7:32] has seen Keith or Sutherland...

[7:34] Harry Potter.

[7:36] Who's seen Keith or Sutherland, who plays Corvus, a Roman general who becomes a senator

[7:41] later on.

[7:43] And...

[7:43] Who's like nerdy bodyguard.

[7:44] And he has...

[7:45] And his nerdy bodyguard who apparently...

[7:46] Car wrinkles?

[7:48] His bodyguard...

[7:48] Urbids?

[7:49] His bodyguard who looks like a cross between like Paul Rubens and Jeff Goldblum and Eddie

[7:54] Deason.

[7:54] And Anthony Weiner.

[7:56] And Anthony...

[7:56] Yeah.

[7:56] Who kind of looks like those guys already.

[7:58] He did look like Anthony Weiner.

[7:59] That's right.

[8:00] And his name was like Trucules or something like that.

[8:03] Broculus.

[8:03] Broculus Trucules.

[8:08] Broculus Mayhem Trucules.

[8:10] Yeah.

[8:11] Yeah.

[8:11] He was based on Brock Mayhem before he existed.

[8:14] That's former Flophouse guest host and great friend of us, Brock Mayhem.

[8:19] Yeah.

[8:19] Look him up.

[8:20] Hello, Brock.

[8:21] On the internet at brockmayhem.edu slash gov plus or minus AB divided by the square root

[8:30] of two equals X.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] All for X.

[8:33] Dot Tumblr.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] So...

[8:35] So anyway, Kiefer Sutherland and Trucules, Broculus, kill Kiefer Sutherland as a boy...

[8:42] No, to kill this little boy's parents.

[8:44] Little boy escapes and is taken captive as a slave.

[8:47] And 17 years later, he has grown up to be Milo.

[8:52] Wait, his name's Milo?

[8:53] Yeah.

[8:54] I'm just realizing that looking at the Wikipedia entry.

[8:56] I had no idea what most of the characters' names were in this movie.

[8:59] But he turns up...

[9:00] Grows up to be Kit Harington.

Dan McCoy

[9:01] I hope the other gladiator's name is Otis.

Elliott Kalan

[9:03] And the end of the movie is the only way to escape Vesuvius is to transmorph into a dog

[9:11] and a cat.

[9:12] Into a pug and a cat.

[9:13] And they go, pause, don't fail us now.

[9:16] Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

Stuart Wellington

[9:19] One of them turns into a little helicopter and flies the other one to save me.

Dan McCoy

[9:23] I was going to say there's a dog and a cat-shaped hole in the screen of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[9:27] Milo uses his ears like helicopter blades and flies them above the smoking hot ash that's

[9:32] falling on the city.

Stuart Wellington

[9:34] Like the eagles in Tolkien.

[9:37] That's true.

[9:37] That's an accurate reference.

Elliott Kalan

[9:39] Yeah, it is.

[9:40] And that thing, that's a thing.

[9:41] So anyway, he grows up to be Kit Harington from Game of Thrones.

Dan McCoy

[9:45] Okay.

[9:47] Kit Harington sounds like a girl orphan character.

Elliott Kalan

[9:52] That's true.

[9:54] Like in the Depression.

[9:55] Or like an Edwardian juvenile adventure novel.

Dan McCoy

[9:59] Yeah, there's a series of novels starring Kit Harington.

Elliott Kalan

[10:01] Or Kit Harington is like a girl gumshoe reporter.

Dan McCoy

[10:04] Well, she starts out as a boxcar child.

[10:06] She works her way up to be president.

[10:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] The first little girl president.

[10:12] And she fights Hitler.

Dan McCoy

[10:14] In a Jax tournament.

Elliott Kalan

[10:15] Okay.

[10:16] And she wins all his dollies, which leads him to invade Poland.

[10:20] Wow.

[10:21] A dark ending, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:22] Ultimately, she caused more harm than her.

[10:24] Oh, is there's a reason they impeached her?

Elliott Kalan

[10:25] The real...

Stuart Wellington

[10:26] She was the first...

[10:29] It's an interesting impeachment.

[10:30] Based on things done as a little baby.

Elliott Kalan

[10:33] No, no.

[10:33] She was already president.

[10:34] She wasn't a baby?

[10:35] No, no.

[10:36] She was a little girl.

[10:36] She was like eight.

[10:37] Okay.

[10:38] High crimes in Jax against the state.

[10:42] Anyway.

[10:43] High crimes and misdemeanor.

[10:45] The cop's villain.

Stuart Wellington

[10:48] Wait.

[10:48] Misdemeanor was a villain?

[10:50] Yeah.

[10:50] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[10:52] Misdemeanor's a bad thing.

[10:53] And when my parents went to go see the movie Crimes and Misdemeanors, when I was a kid,

[10:56] I thought it was about that character.

[10:59] Anyway.

[11:00] Sexy.

[11:01] So Milo, with no Otis, eventually grows up to be a gladiator called the Celt, who is owned

[11:07] by the best character in the movie.

[11:09] A sort of foppish Dom DeLuise in History of the World Part 1.

[11:14] As you were saying, Stuart, he was basically, what's the character from Futurama?

[11:17] Yeah.

[11:18] Hedonism bot or whatever.

[11:20] Hedonism bot.

Dan McCoy

[11:21] I was thinking about how great a joke that is on Futurama.

[11:25] I mean, number one, just like the character, but number two, the idea that someone created

[11:30] a robot for the express purpose of being hedonistic.

Elliott Kalan

[11:34] Yeah.

[11:34] And he's like a robot couch that feeds himself grapes, right?

[11:38] Or something like that.

[11:39] Anyway.

[11:39] So great.

[11:41] But he's not in this either.

[11:42] But this slave owner is, and he is leading him some, I guess the slaves are taking this

[11:49] guy somewhere.

Stuart Wellington

[11:49] He looks kind of like Guy Fieri's ancestor, basically.

[11:52] Yeah, but without the frosted tips.

[11:54] That's before they invented them.

Elliott Kalan

[11:56] Yeah.

[11:56] Back then when you wanted frosted tips, you had to put ice in your hair.

Stuart Wellington

[11:59] You had to climb the mountains and fight frost giants.

Elliott Kalan

[12:03] To learn the secret of their hair.

[12:05] Sure.

[12:07] Continue, I guess.

[12:08] So on the road while he's being brought to Pompeii, Milo runs across a carriage carrying

[12:14] Cassia, played by Emily Browning, who is the daughter of Jared Harris as some big muckety-muck

[12:20] macher in Pompeii.

[12:22] Yeah.

[12:22] She's returning from Rome, and her horse dies or something?

[12:26] Her horse is hurt.

[12:27] And she convinces the slave owner to unlock Milo so that he can soothe the horse to death.

[12:35] Because being a Celt, he knows horses.

[12:37] And he manages to whisper to the horse until it gets distracted and then snaps its neck to

Dan McCoy

[12:41] put it out of its misery.

[12:42] But we should point out there's a number of reoccurring Flophouse favorites here.

[12:47] You got Emily Browning, who was in Sucker Punch and The Uninvited.

[12:50] You got Jared Harris from The Quiet Ones.

[12:52] You got Keitha Sutherland from Mirrors.

[12:54] You got Director Paul W.S. Anderson from The Three Musketeers.

[12:58] It's a real flop coming.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] It's a flop reunion.

[13:01] Yeah.

[13:01] Who is flop coming, Queen?

Stuart Wellington

[13:03] Emily Browning in this case, right?

Elliott Kalan

[13:05] You mean with her crazy cheekbones that were slicing people up left and right?

[13:09] They were so sharp?

[13:09] Yeah.

[13:10] Yeah.

[13:10] Baby cheekbones.

[13:11] She has really defined cheekbones to the point that I wanted her to use them as a weapon

[13:15] at the end.

[13:16] Sure.

[13:16] Like Keitha Sutherland would swing a sword at her and she'd catch it on her cheekbone

[13:19] and push it away and then slash at him with her cheekbone.

Stuart Wellington

[13:22] You were worried that Mount Pompeii would erupt because of the proximity to the gravitational

[13:27] pole of her enormous cheekbones.

Elliott Kalan

[13:28] Yeah.

[13:29] No, it was Mount Vesuvius.

[13:30] Pompeii is a city.

Stuart Wellington

[13:31] It's not Mount Pompeii.

Elliott Kalan

[13:33] It's not Mount Pompeii.

[13:34] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[13:35] Should I watch the movie again?

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] Maybe just read up anything on it, but yeah, your punishment is to watch the movie again.

[13:42] Oh.

[13:43] But anyway, Cassia is taken with this slave.

[13:46] Long story short, that's the love triangle becomes Cassia, who has a crush on this slave

[13:51] who's becoming a famous gladiator and who befriends Ada B.C., who was the previous star

[13:56] gladiator.

[13:56] Yeah.

[13:57] Mr. Echo from Lost.

[13:59] Yeah.

[13:59] And the third point in the triangle is Kiefer Sutherland, who returns to Pompeii, not returns,

[14:05] just shows up.

[14:07] He's now a big Roman senator with an army behind him.

Stuart Wellington

[14:11] He has not aged a day.

[14:12] He has not aged a day, and neither has his Anthony Weiner sidekick.

[14:15] No.

Elliott Kalan

[14:16] And he, apparently Cassia, ran from Rome because Kiefer Sutherland wanted to marry her.

[14:22] Now he's there, and he's saying, and he's there as a possible investor in Jared Harris's

[14:29] new building projects in Pompeii.

[14:31] And I have to admit, until two of the action scenes that came up later, the most exciting

[14:36] part of the movie was when Jared Harris was showing his proposed models to Kiefer Sutherland

[14:41] to show him what kind of projects he should invest in.

Dan McCoy

[14:44] But I don't know that that was like, but I don't know that was the content of the scene

[14:47] either, though.

[14:48] That was like, you got two real ham bones hamming it up, Jared Harris and Kiefer Sutherland.

[14:53] And Kiefer Sutherland, I enjoyed very much in this movie.

[14:57] The more mustache twirly he got, the better.

[15:00] Yeah.

[15:00] Oh, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:01] As the movie goes on, he becomes more and more cartoonish and just smirks through everything.

[15:05] And the movie needed more of that.

[15:07] Let's just say this while we're talking about it.

[15:09] This is a bland movie, and it could use more charming character.

[15:12] And Kiefer Sutherland provides a little bit of that.

[15:14] The guy who plays the decadent gladiator owner provides a little bit of that.

[15:18] The hero is like a blank sheet of paper.

Dan McCoy

[15:21] His gladiator pal is more fun.

Elliott Kalan

[15:23] His gladiator pal is more fun and has a more heroic climax at the end.

Stuart Wellington

[15:29] I kind of wish that instead of Kit Harington, Milo's backstory.

[15:33] Go reporter.

[15:34] Yeah, the beginning of the movie had just been Kiefer Sutherland actively pursuing Emily

[15:44] Browning's character, awkwardly pursuing her constantly in Rome and her rebuffing him.

[15:49] So they were like, man, what a jerk.

[15:50] And they played more of that up because I felt that stuff was way more exciting than any

[15:55] of the other gladiator bullshit.

Elliott Kalan

[15:56] Than any of the Conan the Barbarian gladiator ripoff stuff.

[15:59] Yeah, exactly.

[16:01] To make a long story short, it all comes to a head when Milo has recognized the people

[16:08] who killed his family.

[16:10] And for whatever reason.

[16:12] He says, hey you, don't I know you're somewhere?

[16:14] Yeah.

[16:14] Didn't you kill someone I know of?

[16:16] Who was it?

Stuart Wellington

[16:17] He's like, probably I killed a million people.

[16:20] No, no, no, no.

[16:21] It was someone close to me.

[16:23] But the whole thing is...

[16:24] I'm glad that he doesn't remember who he knows who got killed.

Elliott Kalan

[16:29] Was it?

[16:29] No, it wasn't my teacher.

[16:30] I killed my teacher.

[16:31] Was it?

[16:33] Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

[16:35] It was a man and a woman.

[16:36] My...

[16:37] Sonny and Cher.

[16:38] You killed Sonny and Cher, right?

[16:40] My favorite song and dance team.

[16:41] My personal assistant.

[16:43] You killed my moth.

[16:45] Big egos killed Sonny and Cher.

[16:47] My moth.

[16:47] My pet moth.

[16:48] And my da...

[16:50] Dat.

[16:51] You killed my digital audio tape, right?

[16:53] That's what it was.

[16:55] Why'd you do that?

[16:55] Stomped my moth and broke my tape?

[16:57] All my archives were on that.

[16:59] I know it's going to break down eventually anyway.

[17:01] It's not a great archival format.

[17:02] But still, all the same.

[17:04] At least give me time to transfer it to something a little more permanent.

[17:07] Anyway, great to see.

[17:08] I'll get revenge later.

[17:09] How is the family?

[17:10] How are the folks?

[17:11] Still not married, huh?

[17:12] Jason Cassia.

[17:12] Well, let me tell you.

[17:13] Hey, I'm interested in her too.

[17:14] That's amazing.

[17:15] It's the cheekbones.

[17:16] Yeah.

[17:17] Got to watch yourself.

[17:17] I got too close.

[17:18] And it was like...

[17:19] I didn't even touch her and it still cut me somehow.

[17:21] Like a master swordsman ninja sword.

[17:24] Just slicing the molecules of air.

[17:26] Anyway, I've talked long enough, I guess.

[17:27] You look like you've got important business to do.

[17:29] You've got all these centurions and that guy looks like Anthony Weiner right next to you.

[17:33] He's looking pretty bored.

[17:34] I know you've got a lot of important business.

[17:35] Jared Harris, I think, wanted to talk to you.

[17:37] That guy is a really good actor.

[17:38] He's got a little bit of the ham in him, but still, really great.

[17:41] Loved him on Mad Men.

[17:42] When is Mad Men coming back?

[17:44] Am I really going to have to wait until next year for all the episodes?

[17:47] But excuse me, I'm chatting too much and I've got a gladiator fight to get to.

[17:51] Fight to the death.

[17:51] Oh boy.

[17:52] Anyway, it's a living, as they say in the Flintstones.

[17:55] Now, the Flintstones, how far away are we from that?

[17:58] Because we're still living in stone houses and wearing like togas and like sandals and stuff.

[18:04] Are we cavemen or are we Romans?

[18:07] What age of the world he's living in?

[18:10] I don't understand.

[18:11] Where are we in relation to the Bible?

[18:13] Did that happen yet?

[18:15] Or because I don't know.

[18:16] It's A.D., right?

[18:17] That's after Flintstones.

[18:18] After Flintstones.

[18:19] That's what A.D. stands for?

[18:20] After the Flintstones?

[18:21] I'm jumping in here.

Stuart Wellington

[18:23] I'm ailing the Keithers part.

Elliott Kalan

[18:25] Anyway, I'm rambling on, but that's me.

[18:28] I don't have a lot of people to talk to in the slave pits.

[18:30] So, what is canoe with you?

[18:31] What's going on?

[18:32] You look like you have an age today.

[18:33] What is canoe with you?

[18:34] You heard me.

[18:35] It's my favorite animal.

[18:37] Anyway, when you're a slave, you're looking for anything that'll liven things up.

[18:40] And I found a picture of a canoe once.

[18:42] Just carry it with me.

[18:43] I'll show it to you right here if I can find it.

[18:45] Like on a cable?

[18:45] Not a lot of pockets in this toga.

[18:47] On a scroll?

[18:47] I'm still having trouble finding it.

[18:48] Yeah, it was a drawn picture, but it was really photorealistic, which is a word I just used,

[18:53] even though we don't have those yet.

[18:55] Anyway, the thing about canoe's is they're also called wildebeests.

[18:59] But I like calling them canoe's because it's like, is it new?

[19:02] Is it canoe?

[19:04] It's a mystery.

[19:04] Yeah, it was a little bit of fun.

[19:05] I get it.

[19:05] And I love mysteries.

[19:06] Speaking of, have you been watching Sherlock?

[19:08] Benedict Cumberbatch?

[19:09] This is why.

[19:09] Oh, man.

[19:10] What a hug.

Dan McCoy

[19:10] I'm not sure.

[19:11] This is why Elliot was so good at playing Andy Rooney.

[19:16] Because Andy Rooney would just do that stream of consciousness thing.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] With Andy Rooney?

[19:20] Andy.

[19:21] The lovable girl from the Depression who complained?

[19:23] Yeah, Kit Harington and Andy Rooney.

[19:26] The sun will come out.

[19:27] But why does the sun have to come out?

[19:29] The moon will come out, but nobody sings songs about it.

[19:32] I guess there are a lot of songs about the moon now that I think about it.

[19:35] But I can't know all the songs.

[19:37] I don't have a digital audio tape in my head.

[19:39] I don't know why you're giving me a reason to keep going.

[19:40] Anyway, but that's the truth.

[19:42] The point is, it all comes to a head when everybody knows everybody else is there.

[19:47] Mount Pompeii explodes.

[19:48] No, no, it hasn't happened yet.

[19:49] It's not called that.

[19:50] They're in the arena.

[19:51] There's in the arena.

[19:52] There's this big gladiatorial contest.

[19:55] And they've decided to simulate the battle, reenact the battle in which Kiefer Sutherland subdued the Celts.

[20:02] And they've arranged it so that our heroes, Milo and his friend, the other gladiator, Atticus, are going to die because they're playing the parts of the Celts.

[20:12] And Kiefer Sutherland says, you're going to give me your daughter's hand in marriage.

[20:16] Not only am I not going to invest in your projects, I'm going to tell Emperor Titus that you were badmouthing him and you're all going to be hung to death.

[20:23] And so there's a big battle in the arena.

Stuart Wellington

[20:27] So during this arena, this reenactment, does Kiefer Sutherland play the Robert Urich?

[20:35] Is that who was on Unsolved Mysteries?

[20:38] TV Spencer for Hire.

[20:40] Unsolved Mysteries is Robert Vaughn, isn't it?

[20:42] Yeah.

[20:42] Okay, then that guy.

[20:44] So I don't understand.

[20:45] I thought it was a reenactment.

[20:46] Robert Vaughn.

Elliott Kalan

[20:47] What is that?

[20:47] Yeah, I don't know what.

[20:50] I don't know why.

Dan McCoy

[20:51] Robert Vaughn.

[20:51] I think Robert Vaughn was a different person.

[20:53] Look it up.

[20:54] Anyway.

[20:54] Robert Wagner.

[20:55] Maybe that's what I'm thinking of.

Elliott Kalan

[20:58] I'm not sure.

[20:59] Look it up, please.

[20:59] I'm thinking Bob Euchre.

[21:00] Anyway, why were you?

[21:02] What does that have to do with?

Stuart Wellington

[21:03] Because he said reenactment.

[21:04] So who's the guy who does all the setup and explains it to everybody?

[21:07] No, well, there's a chorus.

[21:09] Oh, yeah, there's a Greek chorus.

Elliott Kalan

[21:10] Greek speakers.

[21:11] Well, Roman chorus, I guess.

[21:12] Robert Stack, everybody.

[21:13] Oh, Robert Stack.

[21:14] A stack of Robert.

[21:16] Yeah, do you see the bazooms on that guy?

[21:19] Under the trench coat?

[21:20] There were so many Roberts.

[21:21] Trench coat?

[21:21] None of them.

[21:22] I mean, there are many Roberts we could have picked that we didn't.

[21:25] Robin Roberts.

[21:26] We didn't say that.

[21:28] Rockin' Robert.

[21:29] My brother Roberts.

[21:30] Tweedledee.

[21:30] Eric Roberts, et cetera.

[21:32] Yeah, Robert McCoy.

[21:33] Julia Roberts.

[21:35] Robbie Robertson from the Spider-Man comics.

[21:38] Anyway, the point is, they have this big battle where, in this big faked battle, but it's real because it's gladiators, that the heroes are supposed to die in, but through a ludicrous bunch of fighting.

[21:47] They manage to kill everybody who's thrown at them.

[21:50] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[21:50] Because they put the two toughest dudes on the loser side.

Dan McCoy

[21:54] And they put them on like a paper machine mountain.

[21:57] And they unleash not your usual mayhem on all those people.

[22:03] Not your usual mayhem, indeed.

[22:06] Anyway.

[22:07] I'm tired of your usual mayhem.

[22:09] Sick of it.

[22:10] I've seen it a million times before.

[22:12] Let's have some crazier mayhem.

[22:14] Like, I don't know, we'll throw watermelons at a good ghost.

[22:19] That's uncommon.

Stuart Wellington

[22:19] At a good ghost?

Dan McCoy

[22:21] No, wait.

[22:22] What?

[22:23] Use a duck to beat up a robber or something.

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] That's not usual.

[22:28] You're a crazy mayhem.

[22:28] Not usual at all, yeah.

[22:30] Okay.

[22:30] Anyway, so they have this, and this is one of two scenes that I genuinely enjoyed.

[22:35] Okay.

[22:35] Which was this big battle scene.

[22:37] Now, part of that is because in ancient Roman times, they did do gladiator fights that were reenactment of battles.

[22:43] They would flood the Coliseum and do naval battles, so at least they're taking the idea of a real thing and making a scene out of it.

[22:50] Mm-hmm.

[22:51] And I have to say, they really were making a scene.

[22:53] The head waiter should have ushered them out.

[22:56] It was ruining everybody's dinners.

[22:57] But the point is, they're trying to make a scene out of it, but it gets crazy bonkers what good fighters these guys are.

Stuart Wellington

[23:04] Yeah, and the chains that seem to get longer whenever they need to.

Elliott Kalan

[23:08] They're chains to this papier-mâché mountain, and yet the chains do nothing to hinder their movements to the point that it becomes a benefit where Milo is riding a horse around the arena just clotheslining all the enemy soldiers with his chain.

[23:21] But during this fight, when things look like it's going to be lost and some real Roman soldiers come in because Milo openly insults the Roman Empire,

[23:31] Kiefer Silland sends real soldiers in.

[23:33] There's a battle, but then all throughout the movie, there's been little shocks leading up to the eruption of Vesuvius that start out like a horror movie.

[23:42] There's a servant who works for Cassia who's taking her horse out to drink at a river for some reason.

[23:49] And the ground rumbles up and swallows him up, and the horse runs away.

[23:52] And then later, the ground's rumbling around the horse, and it looks like the volcano's trying to erase the witnesses to the murder it committed.

[23:59] So it's been leading up to this point, and the only person who really noticed that there seems to be—

Stuart Wellington

[24:03] Spoiler alert, that horse is the only one who survives—

[24:05] The whole movie.

[24:06] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:06] Yeah, so here's the thing.

[24:08] The only person who's noticed that, hey, the ground keeps shaking, maybe that's not a good thing, is the gladiator owner, who is a total decadent hedonist.

[24:17] Yeah.

[24:17] So he wants to get the H out of Pompeii.

[24:20] Mm-hmm.

[24:21] Hades.

[24:22] What?

[24:22] Hades.

[24:23] Hades.

[24:23] Yeah, he wants to get the Hades out of Pompeii.

[24:25] Uh-huh.

[24:26] So, but what—so while—right before the bad guys are about to kill the good guys, Vesuvius erupts, and we get into the disaster portion.

[24:34] And now this is the portion of this type of movie—

Dan McCoy

[24:35] That's like a good—that's almost the last half of the movie.

[24:38] I mean, I haven't said the last 40 minutes or so.

Elliott Kalan

[24:40] Yeah, yeah.

[24:41] It's—this is the—this is the last third of the movie.

[24:43] This is the real me.

[24:43] This is the third act.

[24:44] It's the part in any of these movies where the natural disaster finally hits, the lovers are separated—

[24:50] And all the petty concerns of man—

[24:52] Are put into—are really thrown into—

[24:54] Stark relief, yeah.

[24:54] Yeah, Stark relief.

[24:55] Tony Stark relief.

[24:57] In that Tony Stark needed to use the bathroom.

Dan McCoy

[24:59] You know—

[24:59] And now he's relieved.

[25:00] You know what?

[25:01] Guys, man plans, God laughs.

[25:05] You know what I'm saying, guys?

[25:06] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[25:07] I mean, if the plan is funny enough, God laughs.

[25:09] Yeah.

[25:09] Like, if the man's like, I'm gonna put a banana peel down, I'm gonna slip on it and fall, God's like,

[25:13] That is rich, yes.

[25:15] Laughter forthcoming, ha-ha.

[25:17] I don't know if that's much of a plan.

Dan McCoy

[25:18] Laughter achieved.

[25:19] Director Paul—

[25:20] Like, step A is put banana down.

[25:23] Step B is slip on banana.

[25:25] That's the—

[25:25] It's a two-step plan.

Elliott Kalan

[25:26] Step C, fall.

[25:28] Look, how complicated does the plan have to be, Dan?

[25:30] Step D, profit.

[25:31] It's Occam's prank.

[25:32] The simplest prank is the best.

[25:34] You should be the correct one.

[25:35] Yes.

Stuart Wellington

[25:36] Yes, Stuart?

[25:37] At this point, Paul W.S. Anderson has set up all the dominoes and is ready to knock them down.

Elliott Kalan

[25:42] Oh, yep.

[25:44] Master story.

[25:45] Master gameskeeper.

[25:47] So all the characters are separated by—

[25:49] His intricate design.

Stuart Wellington

[25:50] So step one is immediately kill Jared Harris and Carrie-Anne Moss.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] Which happens.

[25:56] Carrie-Anne Moss plays Jared Harris.

Stuart Wellington

[25:58] That's a wrap on Harris and Moss.

Dan McCoy

[26:02] Let's get this Mossy Harris out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[26:06] They call Carrie-Anne Moss Mossy?

[26:08] Yeah.

[26:09] Hey, Mossy.

Stuart Wellington

[26:10] Please don't call me that.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] Hey, Mossy-Mo.

Stuart Wellington

[26:13] I know.

[26:14] How's that Matrix coming?

Elliott Kalan

[26:16] Well, it's over.

[26:17] Thanks.

[26:18] Hey, you mementoed anything lately?

[26:20] No.

Dan McCoy

[26:21] That was one movie I made.

Elliott Kalan

[26:22] And other movies you made would be—

[26:24] I can't remember.

[26:27] Even Carrie-Anne Moss is looking up her IMDb page and like, what did I do?

[26:32] Anyway.

[26:33] I'm curious.

Stuart Wellington

[26:34] You are furious.

Elliott Kalan

[26:35] Yeah.

[26:36] The natural disaster separates everybody.

[26:38] They've got to find each other.

[26:39] They've got to keep their petty fights going as the city around them is destroyed.

[26:43] And I will say this.

[26:44] A lot of this movie looked fake.

Dan McCoy

[26:46] She was in Chocolat, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[26:48] Chocolat.

[26:48] Oh, the Wesker Craven movie?

[26:49] Chocolat.

[26:50] And Disturbia.

[26:52] Oh, yeah.

[26:52] She was in Disturbia.

[26:54] Go on.

[26:55] A lot of this movie looked fake and cheap.

[26:57] Almost all of it.

[26:58] The actual erupting effects I thought looked really good.

[27:01] Okay.

[27:02] Like, if this was a seven-minute movie that was just shots of Vesuvius erupting, I'd

[27:06] be like, that was a pretty good movie.

[27:08] But it's not.

Stuart Wellington

[27:08] Yeah, I mean, if you're going to call a movie Pompeii, you've got to have good shots of Pompeii

[27:12] blowing up.

[27:12] Yeah.

[27:13] It's the money shot.

[27:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:14] Now, when you say Pompeii blowing up, you mean the city, Pompeii.

Stuart Wellington

[27:18] That's going to be for you to figure out, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[27:20] I've got to puzzle it out.

[27:21] We've got a regular—

Stuart Wellington

[27:22] I've got to set up some dominoes you have to knock it down.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] We've got a regular house of leaves going on right here.

[27:25] Yep.

[27:27] But then the movie gets—it's just people running around and fireballs falling out of

[27:32] the sky.

[27:33] It gets pretty monotonous.

[27:34] The characters are running around.

[27:35] Eventually, though, Atticus meets up with the henchman, who looks like Anthony Weiner.

[27:42] And finally, Cassia and Milo meet up with Kiefer Sutherland.

[27:48] And you have two pretty good fights.

[27:51] They're not amazing.

[27:53] Some action sequences as fires falling all around.

[27:55] And this is when the special effects get so fake that they become fantastic.

[28:01] Yeah.

[28:01] It's like something out of a music video from the early 90s.

Dan McCoy

[28:04] Yeah.

[28:05] I mean, if you're trying to find consistency with our tastes, like the longtime listener—

[28:11] First time caller.

[28:11] Maybe frustrated trying to stack one opinion of one movie up against the opinion of another

[28:19] movie.

[28:19] But the thing is, that's a fool's game in the first place.

[28:23] It's true.

[28:24] Sometimes we complain about how stupid CGI looks, but sometimes stupid-looking CGI is

[28:29] so delightful that we can't help but be shot.

[28:32] Yeah.

[28:32] Well, look.

Stuart Wellington

[28:32] Recently, we watched that other Swords and Sandals movie, 300 Rise of an Empire, which

[28:38] had, by all means, better special effects.

[28:42] But they were not as much fun to watch.

[28:44] No.

Elliott Kalan

[28:44] Well, it's like an uncanny valley thing where the better special effects get, the better

[28:50] they are.

[28:51] And the worse they get, the worse they are.

[28:52] Except there's this one dip or like a spike where it's like they get so bad that they're

[28:56] super enjoyable.

[28:57] Yeah.

[28:58] Because they look crazy.

Dan McCoy

[28:59] Emily Browning chained to a chariot that's rushing away from fireballs.

[29:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:06] Emily Browning using a splinter of wood to pick the lock of her handcuff on a chariot as fireballs

[29:11] fly all around and everything is weirdly flattened and distorted and nothing looks like it's

[29:15] the same plane of reality.

[29:17] And it's like, it's just so, it looks like you're watching Moulin Rouge or something.

[29:22] Yeah.

[29:23] Everything, there's all these weird.

Stuart Wellington

[29:25] Yeah, like characters riding in front of a backdrop.

[29:27] And there's all these.

[29:27] And Robin comes out and sings like a virgin.

[29:29] Yep.

[29:29] Where we all go home happy.

Elliott Kalan

[29:31] It's like, there's all these weird like zooms and slow-mo for no reason and bad CGI

[29:36] effects.

[29:37] And it's like.

[29:38] It's called the Paul W.S. Anderson touch.

[29:40] Are you guys familiar with the video art of Ryan Trekhartan?

[29:43] I think his name is Browns.

[29:44] He did an art video called A Family Finds Entertainment, which is crazy.

[29:49] And there were parts of the end of Pompeii that reminded me of that.

[29:52] It's like homemade art video where he's using editing equipment to just make the screen explode

[29:58] into shards and things like that.

[30:00] So I guess when you start with youth queer artist homemade video art.

[30:10] And a big budget sword and sandal action adventure.

[30:13] And this is the point where the two converge in terms of the quality of their special effects.

[30:18] And that's kind of a beautiful moment.

[30:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[30:21] Exactly.

[30:22] And it's punctuated by.

[30:22] That's what's called the G-spot.

[30:25] It's very hard to find.

[30:26] For granted how you find it.

[30:28] And it ends in a sword fight with Kit Harington, girl spy, and Keith or Sutherland.

[30:36] Who knows?

Elliott Kalan

[30:37] And Atticus has his sword fight with Anthony Weiner.

[30:40] Yeah.

[30:41] And everyone's swallowed up.

[30:43] Well, there's those swallowed up by ash.

[30:45] Keith or Sutherland gets chained to a wall.

[30:48] And Kit Harington and Emily Browning escape on a horse.

[30:52] Keith or Sutherland is destroyed, covered in hot, fiery ash.

[30:56] Mm-hmm.

[30:57] And they get to the outskirts of town and I guess just get off the horse and canary.

[31:01] No, the horse.

[31:02] The horse bucks and rears.

[31:03] Oh, right.

[31:03] Knocks him off.

[31:04] Because a fireball almost kills him.

Stuart Wellington

[31:05] It's like, you're slowing me down, dudes.

Elliott Kalan

[31:07] I wish.

[31:08] No, I just wish it was a wisecracking horse like in racing stripes.

[31:11] Or hot to trot.

[31:13] Or a doggo.

[31:15] Does it?

[31:15] No, a doggo, the horse does not talk.

Stuart Wellington

[31:17] Okay, I haven't seen it yet.

[31:18] Or a sea biscuit.

[31:19] No, again, no talking horses in that.

[31:21] I mean, it's named sea biscuit.

[31:22] It shouldn't be making jokes.

[31:22] He's like, I see a biscuit, I eat it.

Dan McCoy

[31:25] It's me, sea biscuit.

[31:26] It's not named.

Stuart Wellington

[31:27] That makes sense.

Dan McCoy

[31:29] See you later.

[31:30] I've got to run this race now.

[31:32] Sea biscuit.

[31:33] Sea biscuit out.

Stuart Wellington

[31:36] He's not tired of how he speaks to the third person.

[31:40] I don't think the Oscar chances for this movie are holding up.

Dan McCoy

[31:43] It's me, the most popular racing horse in the Depression.

[31:46] Sea biscuit.

[31:48] See you later.

Elliott Kalan

[31:50] Biscuit.

[31:53] It's my new character.

[31:55] But anyway, they fall off.

[31:58] Kit Harington says, Cassia, you ride this horse.

[32:00] It's not fast enough to carry us both.

[32:01] And she goes.

[32:02] And you're thinking, oh, they're going to Titanic us.

[32:04] They're going to pull a Titanic, and she's going to survive.

[32:06] And 100 years later, she's going to throw a necklace into the moon.

[32:09] Mount Vesuvius is an old lady.

[32:12] She's going to take her daughter to Mount Vesuvius and throw a necklace in and go, oh, when she does it.

[32:17] But no, she smacks the horse in the butt as if to say, run away, I'm sexually harassing you.

[32:22] And the horse does.

[32:23] And she says, I don't want to live without you or something.

[32:26] And she keeps looking at the eruption.

[32:30] And he says, no, look at me.

[32:31] Look only at me.

[32:32] And they kiss and are covered in ash and are forever immortalized as lovers in mid-kiss.

[32:37] They turn into ash people.

[32:38] As they become a living statue that is dead.

Stuart Wellington

[32:41] That's shot in like QVC fashion right before the credits roll.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] Yeah, there's like a rotating camera around it.

[32:47] This beautiful ash statue can be yours.

[32:51] Pompeii moments.

[32:52] These ash-covered corpses could be yours for only $499.99.

[32:58] If you call in the next 10 minutes, $7.

[33:01] We're going to cut over $300 off this price.

[33:03] Wow, only $7.

[33:04] Nobody was buying it.

[33:05] Okay.

[33:06] Speaking of not buying it.

[33:07] Well, shipping is $49.99.

[33:09] Oh, wow.

[33:10] What a rip.

[33:10] Shipping is $700,000.

[33:13] You can either buy shipping for that or you can buy a screenplay for me.

[33:16] Either way, your choice, Hollywood.

[33:20] And that's the end of the movie.

[33:22] Yeah.

[33:24] It's like a pretty boring rote movie.

[33:26] And then there's two scenes, I would say, that are just crazy enough to work.

Dan McCoy

[33:31] Yeah.

[33:32] I feel like we should go to Final Judgments now.

[33:34] I was kind of segwaying into that.

[33:35] Whether this is a good, bad movie.

[33:37] A bad, bad movie.

[33:38] Or a movie you kind of liked.

[33:39] Elliot, you're already saying stuff about it.

[33:42] So why don't you continue saying the thing that you were saying.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] It's like 90% bad, bad.

[33:47] No, 93% bad, bad.

[33:49] 7% good, bad.

Dan McCoy

[33:52] Yeah, I'm going to go.

Elliott Kalan

[33:54] There's such potential at the end for this to have been a crazy, bonkers movie.

[33:59] And they just, they're putting it off as long as.

[34:01] You know what it feels like?

[34:02] It feels like Dr. Jekyll for almost two hours struggling not to let loose Mr. Hyde.

[34:07] And the last 15 minutes he's like, fuck it, I'll just let Mr. Hyde out.

[34:10] And everyone's like, yeah, this is what we wanted to see.

[34:13] This is what Larry keeps coming around for.

[34:15] This is why Larry's totally into you.

[34:18] Well, not you, but Hyde.

[34:20] But you're Hyde.

[34:21] So I guess he's into you.

Dan McCoy

[34:23] Yeah, I didn't like the first two thirds of this movie.

[34:26] I was so bored by them.

[34:28] The last third, I would go so far as to say I kind of liked it.

[34:33] But...

[34:33] It got super hammy, which helped too.

[34:35] Yeah, it was kind of fun and exciting at the end.

[34:38] You know, I'll give a good review or two.

[34:41] Going to see the actual Pompeii.

[34:43] I saw it when I was in Italy.

[34:44] Very interesting.

Elliott Kalan

[34:45] I'd like to see it.

[34:46] I've never been there.

[34:46] It's fascinating.

[34:47] I mean, do you feel bad being a tourist in someone else's misfortune?

Dan McCoy

[34:50] I mean, it's so far ago now.

Elliott Kalan

[34:54] Does that make them not human beings?

Dan McCoy

[34:55] I mean, you go to see it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:56] Has the statute of limitations on compassion run out?

[34:58] Do you feel that way when you go see a mummy in the fucking museum?

[35:01] The mummy was an aristocrat who enslaved others.

[35:05] I've got no mercy for him.

Dan McCoy

[35:07] Yeah.

[35:07] No, but it is fascinating.

[35:08] Also, they're super scary.

Stuart Wellington

[35:10] And I stole all his gold and I don't want him to come after me.

[35:14] It's a whole city.

[35:15] So I'm going to be preserved in time.

Elliott Kalan

[35:16] When I'm looking at a mummy in the museum, I'm throwing a shitload of holy water on him

[35:19] so he doesn't get up and strangle me.

[35:21] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[35:21] Turn into a bunch of scarabs or something.

Elliott Kalan

[35:24] But it's...

[35:24] So it's a holy city.

[35:26] No, it's an amazing...

[35:27] Oh, a whole city.

[35:28] Preserved in time.

[35:29] It's a city full of holes.

[35:30] And the Steelers canoptic jars.

[35:31] You don't get that.

[35:32] It's worth it.

[35:33] It's worth it.

[35:34] And now you've got his car and he wants it back.

Dan McCoy

[35:37] Save up the money you would have spent on seeing Pompeii and then add several thousand dollars

[35:42] to it and buy a ticket to Italy.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] Throw it in change into your travel jar.

[35:45] And when there's enough there to go to Pompeii, go see it.

[35:48] Just don't go when Vesuvius is erupting because you'll turn into an Ashman.

[35:51] That'd be bad news.

Dan McCoy

[35:52] Ashman Crothers.

[35:53] What do you have to say?

[35:55] I'm an Ashman.

[35:56] You guys all know that about me.

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] Dan's in other people's wives' ashes, man.

[36:01] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:02] Yeah, I'm going to say this is a bad, bad movie.

[36:04] I wasn't quite as charmed by the hammy moments.

[36:07] And I was hoping for more, obviously.

[36:09] There was that great shot where Kit Harington is about to deface the Roman eagle.

[36:14] And it cuts like a quick cut zoom on Kiefer Suttleton's face.

[36:18] And he's like, he's not going to.

[36:21] But other than that, now it was garbage.

[36:23] Yeah.

[36:23] Right.

S4

[36:24] Baby Geniuses.

[36:26] Hey, everybody.

[36:27] I'm Emily.

[36:28] And I'm Lisa.

[36:28] We co-host Baby Geniuses every other Monday on Maximum Fun.

Dan McCoy

[36:31] We interview comedians, musicians, cartoonists, circus clowns, and experts in the field of

S4

[36:35] Vacations, the afterlife, pool, recipes, self-improvement, fashion candy, beach boys, girls, turtles,

[36:38] pop twists, women, dating, fitness, presidents, hair removal, conflict resolution, Santa, meditation,

[36:41] babies, modern dinosaurs, bullying, crop circles, the beetles, middle-aged men, experts, teens,

[36:44] life hacking, rhyming, baby talks, personal organization, the name Dexter, Frazier, extreme

[36:47] eating, groceries, being a best friend, movement, jam, art education, America's funniest, home

[36:50] videos, stockbroking, spooky stories, genealogy, riddles, Pinterest, IT, magic, revenge, mothering,

[36:54] dog, ayahuasca, Hollywood legends, street racing, fitting in, celebrity sex, the occult, personal

[36:57] training, the ocean, Dennis the Menace, modern poetry, sugar gliders, Jimmy Buffett,

[37:00] Franks, the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, Mountain Dew, theme park safety, dinner parties,

[37:03] butterflies, raccoons, pasta shapes, and Bob Dylan.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] Join us every other Monday!

[37:07] Yay!

S5

[37:10] I listen to Bullseye for the moment when Jesse asks an artist an insightful question, and the

[37:17] artist goes, oh, huh, and pauses.

[37:22] And you can hear in the pause that he is reassessing his own work in light of the question that Jesse

[37:28] just asked.

Dan McCoy

[37:29] Bullseye is your guide to what's good, from MaximumFun.org and NPR.

[37:39] Before we move on to letters, a few quick announcements, as is often the case.

[37:45] On December the 13th, as I mentioned before, I will be appearing at the Slate Movie Party

[37:53] in Videology in Williamsburg.

[37:56] That's at 630.

[37:59] There will be information about that up, I hope, soon on the Flophouse website.

[38:05] Details are sketchy still at this point.

Elliott Kalan

[38:06] You said, I hope soon, as if anyone other than you is going to be putting that up.

Dan McCoy

[38:11] No, I just meant...

[38:12] If we can get our tech guy, Jasper, on it.

[38:14] I just meant that I hope, for the benefit of our audience, that that information will be

[38:19] available to them soon.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] So yeah, put it up there, dude.

Dan McCoy

[38:21] I'm waiting on Slate to give me the final deets, as the kids say.

Stuart Wellington

[38:27] He was trying to avoid talking shit about Slate.

[38:29] Yeah, I see.

[38:30] But you pushed school parties.

Dan McCoy

[38:31] Invite him to this party.

[38:33] But yeah, come see that.

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] If honesty is your policy, you don't have to worry about that kind of thing.

Dan McCoy

[38:36] Dana Stevens of Film Creator of Slate will be the host and love other guests.

[38:42] But if you want to see all of the Flophouse crew, you'll have to wait...

[38:46] And why wouldn't you?

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] We're good looking.

[38:47] Until January 9th?

[38:49] January 9th.

Stuart Wellington

[38:51] January 9th.

[38:51] Why do you say that like it was a question?

[38:53] At the Bell House?

Elliott Kalan

[38:54] Dan, if you write this stuff down...

[38:55] I don't write it down.

[38:56] ...and read it, then it's easy to remember.

[38:57] But January 9th, 10 p.m., the Bell House, Brooklyn.

[39:02] All three floppers for the first ever live Flophouse episode recording.

[39:08] Yeah.

[39:09] Featuring you, the listener in the audience.

[39:12] If you've got an irritating laugh, you'll know you're there.

[39:15] Yeah, totally buy a ticket and show up.

[39:17] And then when you go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and you hear it on the podcast, you'll know you were there.

[39:23] But yeah, that's going to be...

[39:24] Buy your tickets online now because, one, they're cheaper if you buy them ahead of time.

[39:28] And two, they are selling out fast.

[39:30] They're selling pretty quick, right?

[39:31] They're selling out a good clip.

[39:32] So if you want to go and you're on the fence, buy a ticket and go.

Dan McCoy

[39:36] I overheard.

[39:37] I was literally sitting behind the organizer of this podfest at an event that Elliot and I got to see.

[39:47] John Hodgman interviewing John Cleese.

[39:50] And I overheard him talking about how...

[39:53] Now, you said that as if we went together.

Elliott Kalan

[39:54] You were sitting behind him.

[39:55] I was sitting way in the back because we went...

[39:58] Well, neither of you guys told me about it.

[39:59] ...a less good job.

Dan McCoy

[40:01] Because I had to leave work later.

[40:02] I, as a lowly writer, got to leave work earlier than the head writer, so I got better seats.

[40:06] Yeah.

[40:07] But I was sitting behind this gentleman.

Stuart Wellington

[40:07] He was like, Dan, I need your input on this...

[40:09] Dan?

[40:10] Dan died five years ago.

[40:14] But I literally...

[40:14] Dan McCoy?

Elliott Kalan

[40:15] But he died 80 years ago.

Stuart Wellington

[40:18] I literally...

Elliott Kalan

[40:18] Some say they can still hear him sighing in the night.

Stuart Wellington

[40:22] Is that the creaking of the trees or the creaking of his knees?

Elliott Kalan

[40:26] Women still say they can feel his spectral hand on their buttocks.

[40:30] And they do not appreciate it.

[40:32] Special hand.

Dan McCoy

[40:33] Spectral hand.

[40:34] Okay.

[40:35] I overheard a man...

Elliott Kalan

[40:36] Special hand.

[40:37] Not the other one.

Dan McCoy

[40:38] The boring one.

[40:39] The good one.

[40:39] Special one.

[40:41] The tingly one.

[40:42] I overheard a man who did not know that I was sitting behind him and was one of the co-hosts

[40:47] of the show.

Elliott Kalan

[40:47] Didn't know he was sitting in front of Kit Harington, Girl Spy.

Dan McCoy

[40:50] But he was talking about how well these tickets to the Flophouse show were selling.

[40:55] So if you want...

Elliott Kalan

[40:56] I believe he compared them to a certain type of cake of the heated variety.

Dan McCoy

[41:01] Yeah.

[41:02] So get on that, guys, if you're interested.

Elliott Kalan

[41:04] January 9th, 10 p.m.

[41:07] Friday.

[41:08] Flophouse Live.

[41:09] Bellhouse.

[41:10] New York Podfest.

[41:11] Buy your tickets now.

[41:12] And I think we have another thing to plug, don't we?

[41:14] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[41:15] In December, for Flophouse fans who like to read stuff...

[41:19] I know there's a few out there.

[41:21] Dynamite Comics is putting out the Flash Gordon Holiday Special.

[41:26] Featuring three short stories written by the three of us.

[41:31] One for each of us.

Elliott Kalan

[41:32] It's an all-Flophouse written holiday special.

[41:35] And now these are not Flophouse stories, these are Flash Gordon stories.

Stuart Wellington

[41:37] These are Flash Gordon stories.

[41:38] Yeah.

[41:39] Savior of the universe.

[41:41] He'll save every one of us.

[41:43] Yep.

[41:44] And yeah, it's coming out in December.

[41:46] I think early December, but I'm not totally sure.

Elliott Kalan

[41:48] I don't know the exact date, but pre-order it through your comic book store or tell them

[41:52] to reserve a copy for you and they'll hold it.

Dan McCoy

[41:54] So if you Google Flash Gordon Holiday and our names, you can find a site that will allow

[41:59] you to pre-order it on the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[42:02] And if you Google Flash Gordon Dan McCoy, you'll find some video that's horrifying.

[42:06] You shouldn't watch it.

Dan McCoy

[42:07] No, I think you should watch it.

[42:10] That's what I like.

Elliott Kalan

[42:12] No, gross.

[42:13] So the Flash Gordon Holiday special.

[42:14] And just for me, if you want to read something written by just one flopper, December also

[42:18] sees the release of the first issue of Spider-Man and the X-Men number one, written by me,

[42:22] coming from Marvel Comics.

Stuart Wellington

[42:23] Elliot Kalin, taking over comics.

Elliott Kalan

[42:25] Taking over comics, two books at a time.

Dan McCoy

[42:28] But now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.

[42:32] What moment's that, Dan?

[42:33] Listeners.

[42:34] From listeners.

[42:35] That's you guys.

[42:37] The listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[42:37] You're the listeners.

[42:39] We're the guys who read the letters from you, the listeners.

[42:44] Listeners are you, and we are the hosts.

[42:47] Let's just get this straight.

[42:48] You're too big for your britches, listeners.

[42:51] You write us letters.

[42:53] You think we have to read them.

[42:54] Well, we don't.

[42:56] So you sit down.

[42:57] You sit down, sir.

[42:58] Sir?

[42:59] Sir?

[43:00] Sir?

[43:00] Do I have to call security?

[43:02] Sir?

[43:02] Sit down, sir.

[43:04] Sir?

[43:04] There's a show going on.

[43:06] Sir?

[43:06] Excuse me.

[43:07] Excuse me, sir.

[43:07] What?

[43:08] Excuse me, sir?

[43:09] What?

[43:09] That kind of language is uncalled for.

[43:11] What?

[43:12] Huh?

[43:13] Sir?

[43:14] What?

[43:15] Sir?

[43:16] Sir?

[43:16] What?

[43:17] What?

[43:17] We do not have to serve you, sir.

[43:20] What?

[43:20] Sir?

[43:21] Sir?

[43:21] You are getting loud, and the performers don't appreciate it, and I don't appreciate it.

[43:25] What?

Dan McCoy

[43:27] You and your date are going to have to leave.

[43:29] I'm sorry, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[43:29] Sir?

[43:30] Security, can we remove these, please?

[43:31] Please?

[43:32] From you, the listeners today.

Stuart Wellington

[43:35] Was that the security?

[43:36] That was the security.

[43:36] Oh, I thought you said scaredy.

[43:38] Is that the security guy?

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] Old scaredy.

[43:41] We call him scaredy.

[43:42] It's ironic, because he's not scared of anything.

Dan McCoy

[43:44] So this first letter is titled, You're Never Gonna Believe This Guy's, parentheses, It's

[43:48] About The Hat.

Elliott Kalan

[43:50] And it goes like this.

[43:51] Wait, hold on a second.

[43:52] Is this the guy who lost his hat?

[43:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:54] The hat's gone again.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] What?

[43:56] How did you lose it again?

Dan McCoy

[43:58] No, I'm not joking.

[43:59] Lock that hat up.

[44:00] And I'm not baiting you to get it on the podcast again.

[44:02] The hat is seriously gone.

Stuart Wellington

[44:03] First, they shrink the kids, blow up the kids.

[44:05] What the fuck, man?

[44:06] No.

[44:07] They blow up themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[44:08] No.

[44:08] They shrank themselves.

[44:10] What?

[44:11] That was the movie about terrorists.

[44:12] Honey, I blew up myself.

[44:14] Were you gonna?

[44:14] Boom.

[44:15] That was like a Jeff Dunham level joke.

[44:17] So for listeners who are just coming into this ongoing saga, a guy wrote in who had lost his

[44:23] hat.

[44:24] He wrote in later to say he had found his hat.

[44:26] Apparently, he lost it again.

Dan McCoy

[44:28] Yeah.

[44:28] He says, I didn't wear it in winter because it's a baseball cap.

[44:31] And I have winter hats that are warmer than a baseball cap.

[44:34] So he wore those hats instead.

[44:36] Not at the same time, mind you.

[44:37] I'd pick one winter hat and then wear that in winter.

Elliott Kalan

[44:39] I'm revoking your license to wear hats.

[44:42] I'm taking away your double O hat status.

[44:44] But keep writing.

Dan McCoy

[44:45] But I don't think the hat is missing.

[44:47] I think the hat has been stolen.

[44:48] I've narrowed down my list of suspects from the initial 32 to 16.

[44:52] So I'm making progress.

[44:54] Top of my list is my neighbor, Howie.

[44:56] He's really old and I think he's had kidney stones for like a year and a half, which is

[44:59] not good for you.

[45:00] TV's how long.

[45:01] So I hope he gets that out soon.

[45:02] Unless he took my hat.

[45:03] In which case, I hope that thing balloons to the size of a pumpkin and his wife has to

[45:06] roll him around in a wheelbarrow.

[45:08] Whoa.

[45:08] I've invented a new device called a wheelbarrow.

[45:11] It's a replacement for car tires made basically of an empty barrel.

[45:15] They break super easily and mostly just destroy cars under carriages.

[45:19] In any case, here's a photo of me wearing the hat when I was in Boston a long time ago.

[45:22] Describe it, Dan.

[45:24] No, I don't have to.

[45:25] Here, I'm going to show it to you.

[45:26] No, describe it to the listeners, Dan.

[45:28] Well, it's just...

[45:29] They can't see it when you hold them a picture to me.

[45:31] It seems to be a typical cap of the baseball style.

[45:35] It doesn't appear to be...

Elliott Kalan

[45:36] Of the baseball.

[45:37] In actual...

Dan McCoy

[45:39] It doesn't seem to be promoting any baseball...

Elliott Kalan

[45:42] It does seem...

[45:44] It's hard to tell if there's a logo on there or not.

[45:45] Yeah, I don't think so.

[45:45] The angle is very bad.

[45:46] The person wearing it has at least one eye.

Dan McCoy

[45:48] It looks a little floppier than a normal baseball cap.

[45:51] No.

[45:51] Like a softer type of fabric maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[45:53] I don't think that's the case.

[45:54] Canvas?

[45:54] I think it's just been bent over time.

[45:55] You think...

[45:56] It's been well loved.

[45:58] He mentions that he was wearing the hat in Boston a long time ago.

[46:00] So Bostonians, you'll recognize this hat.

[46:03] You'll have the scent.

[46:04] So I guess go sniff it out.

Dan McCoy

[46:06] Yeah.

[46:06] Anyone in Boston...

Elliott Kalan

[46:07] See which one of the 16 Ronin took it.

Dan McCoy

[46:09] I'm a baseball cap.

[46:11] Write in.

[46:12] Let us know.

[46:13] We're going to get to the bottom of this.

[46:15] No, we won't.

[46:17] Together.

[46:17] You and us.

[46:19] You and we.

[46:20] You're on the flop hats.

[46:20] All of us.

[46:22] We're going to solve this.

Elliott Kalan

[46:22] You and me and everyone we know.

[46:25] It's going to find this hat.

[46:26] That's what that movie's about, right?

Dan McCoy

[46:28] Yeah.

[46:29] So thank you for writing in.

[46:31] Nope.

[46:35] Next letter is titled,

[46:37] Foggy Friday.

[46:39] Slightly soggy Saturday.

[46:41] Wet Wednesday.

[46:42] Too cold for a tube top Tuesday.

[46:44] Yes, you're correct, Elliot.

[46:45] This is an email about Misty Monday.

[46:47] I don't know why.

[46:48] I mean, I feel like...

Elliott Kalan

[46:49] I feel like Dan...

[46:50] I mean, we all are familiar with the work,

[46:51] but I feel like Dan's the only one

[46:52] who has been in contact with her in some way.

[46:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[46:55] Maybe the writer of the letter

[46:57] is negging Dan to make Dan feel bad.

Elliott Kalan

[46:59] Oh, in that case,

[47:00] mission accomplished.

[47:01] Look at him.

[47:01] He's crying in his boots.

[47:03] Crying in his boots.

[47:07] Collects the tears in his boots.

[47:08] Little Snuffy Smith.

Dan McCoy

[47:08] And then Lulu comes up over and sniffs him

[47:11] like she had howl his boots that one time.

[47:14] I recently started listening to your back catalog.

[47:18] It's weird.

[47:18] And I do a headphone double take

[47:20] every time you mention Misty Monday.

[47:22] Prepare to be jealous, boys,

[47:23] because I've had one of the greatest conversations

[47:25] of my life with the aforementioned starlet.

Elliott Kalan

[47:27] Before I get into that conversation...

[47:28] You put the tarp over here?

[47:32] Yes, these are the most absorbent tarps

[47:34] that we have, ma'am.

[47:38] How many women did you say would be on this tarp?

[47:40] Six?

[47:41] I think you're pushing the maximum load.

Stuart Wellington

[47:43] No, I'll just clean it off with bleach.

[47:45] It's simple.

[47:46] Just pour a shallow to bleach.

[47:47] Nah, don't worry about mixing water with it.

[47:49] Take it in your back right

[47:50] and spray it down with the hose.

[47:51] Now, I thought you were saying this...

[47:52] Take it in the back and spray it down.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] Now, I thought you were saying

[47:58] this softcore pornographic film of yours

[48:00] took place in some kind of middle-earth setting.

[48:03] Do you worry about how you're going to explain the tarp?

[48:05] No? Okay.

[48:06] No, all right.

[48:07] Well, that's the best one we got.

[48:09] It's a tarp master.

[48:10] Let's see what the warranty says.

[48:13] More than four lesbians at once

[48:15] kind of voids the warranty.

[48:17] I hope you're okay with that.

[48:18] I mean, it's not an expensive tarp,

[48:19] but you would be able to return it

[48:21] if it was only three lesbians that broke it.

Stuart Wellington

[48:23] One of the ring race is going to have to not be on the tarp.

Dan McCoy

[48:27] Well, anyway, this conversation...

[48:28] One of the ring race.

[48:30] Before I get into the conversation,

[48:31] let me back up a bit.

[48:33] My boring day job consists of sculpting action figures

[48:35] for video games and comic book movies, etc.

[48:37] That doesn't sound boring at all.

[48:39] Every once in a while...

[48:39] Is this Randy Bowen?

[48:42] One of my co-workers does some sculpting

[48:44] for a science fiction or horror film,

[48:46] and I think,

[48:46] hey, that sounds like fun.

[48:47] Maybe I can do that someday.

[48:49] Well, that day came a few years ago.

[48:51] I got a call that a B horror film

[48:52] needed a bunch of classical nude male sculptures,

[48:56] preferably muscular and in slightly homoerotic poses.

[48:59] I had about five sculptures

[49:01] fitting that description ready to go.

[49:03] When I dropped off the sculptures on set...

[49:04] Just already?

[49:05] I guess.

[49:07] You know.

[49:07] Just lying around.

Stuart Wellington

[49:08] Yep.

[49:09] His apartment is a Zalman King set.

Dan McCoy

[49:13] When I dropped off the sculptures on set,

[49:15] I got invited to be an extra in a few scenes.

[49:17] While waiting around for a scene,

[49:18] I started talking to Misty of Monday.

[49:20] Now, at this point,

[49:21] I had no idea who Misty of Monday was

[49:23] or the nature of her oeuvre.

[49:24] All I knew was she's a cute girl,

[49:26] and this was a splatter flick.

[49:27] This was our entire conversation.

[49:29] Me.

[49:30] So are you going to get killed in this scene?

[49:32] Misty.

[49:33] No, but I do get a death scene.

[49:34] We're filming it in a few days.

[49:36] Me.

[49:37] Nice.

[49:37] How do you check out?

[49:39] Misty.

[49:39] I get stabbed in the pussy.

[49:42] Me.

[49:43] Silence.

[49:44] At that point,

[49:45] I started to realize

[49:46] what kind of movie this was going to be.

[49:46] And then she went,

Stuart Wellington

[49:47] show business.

Dan McCoy

[49:49] In case you're wondering,

[49:50] it does contain ding-dong ripping,

[49:51] incest,

[49:52] and a plethora of real New Jersey bodybuilders.

[49:55] The name of this movie?

[49:56] Sculpture.

[49:57] Alex Lasting with help.

[49:58] I don't know that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[49:59] I'm really only familiar

[50:00] with her seduction cinema work.

[50:02] Yeah.

[50:03] Well, check it out, though.

[50:04] It sounds like a pretty good recommendation.

[50:05] Yeah, sure.

[50:06] It's got ding-dong rip-offs.

[50:07] Yeah.

[50:08] Homorotic sculptures.

[50:09] Everything you want in a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[50:11] Yeah, I mean,

[50:12] that's what I mainly look for in my movies.

[50:14] King Kong?

[50:14] No thanks.

[50:15] No homorotic sculpture in this.

Dan McCoy

[50:18] But a real brush with greatness.

[50:21] Thanks for letting us know.

[50:23] Real Hollywood tales.

[50:25] You're on the Flophouse.

[50:26] True Hollywood stories.

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] So I guess if Misty Monday is listening,

[50:29] tell us if that story actually happened.

[50:32] We need cooperation.

Dan McCoy

[50:32] Or just come visit.

[50:34] Be on the show.

[50:35] Yeah, sure.

[50:36] I guess, yeah.

[50:37] Aaron Brown, talk to us.

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] Is this an official invitation?

Dan McCoy

[50:41] Yeah, no, this is official.

[50:42] Wait, we can just start inviting people

Stuart Wellington

[50:43] to be on the show?

[50:44] If anyone knows Aaron Brown,

Dan McCoy

[50:45] I guess so.

[50:45] Tell her to come.

[50:47] Tell her about the podcast.

[50:48] I'm going to start working on.

[50:49] Who knows?

[50:50] Mads Mikkelsen.

Elliott Kalan

[50:51] Invite him on, sure.

[50:52] Whoa, no kidding?

[50:52] Yeah, ask him to come on, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[50:54] Both of them at the same time.

[50:54] Mads about Misty Monday.

Dan McCoy

[50:56] Mads about Monday.

[50:58] And Misty Monday, nay Aaron Brown.

Elliott Kalan

[51:00] What about Udo Kier?

[51:01] Udo Kier, if you're listening,

[51:03] come on the show.

[51:03] Yeah, I mean, he's got some free time.

[51:05] David Byrne?

[51:06] David Byrne, come on.

[51:07] David Byrne, come on.

Stuart Wellington

[51:07] All of our heroes.

[51:10] Wait, you didn't say Gabriel Byrne,

Dan McCoy

[51:12] because I don't want him to come on the show.

Stuart Wellington

[51:13] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Gabriel Byrne.

Dan McCoy

[51:15] He's probably got some stories about Miller's Crossing,

[51:17] but they're probably,

[51:18] he probably tells them very boring.

Stuart Wellington

[51:19] I only want to ask him about Cool World.

[51:24] Was it cool to make cool?

[51:25] What was it like to have sex with a cartoon?

[51:29] Did you guys,

[51:30] was it awesome?

[51:31] Where did your penis go

[51:32] when you had sex with a cartoon?

[51:34] What happened?

[51:34] I mean, Misty Monday

[51:35] could probably answer that too.

Dan McCoy

[51:38] So,

[51:39] this last letter

[51:42] is from

[51:43] PJ Last Name Withheld.

[51:46] Funny Bunny.

[51:48] It's titled

[51:49] Recasting Gary Oldman's Dick.

[51:52] I'm growing increasingly concerned

[51:54] about the Flophouse's ongoing obsession

[51:56] with Gary Oldman's

[51:57] shriveled, unimpressive penis.

[51:59] We mentioned it like once.

[52:00] Far be it from me

[52:01] to claim you doth protest too much,

[52:03] but do you have to be so negative?

[52:05] If Gary Oldman's penis

[52:06] had such a harmful impact

[52:07] on the Scarlet Letter,

[52:09] why not provide

[52:09] some constructive criticism?

[52:11] As you'll recall,

[52:13] Stewart has already spoken

[52:14] admiringly about

[52:16] Michael Fassbender's penis.

[52:18] Yeah.

[52:18] Elliot would probably enjoy

[52:19] seeing Sly Stallone

[52:21] returning to his early

[52:22] pornographic roles.

[52:24] And Dan is a homophobe.

[52:25] Not true.

[52:26] But what celebrity fouls

[52:27] could have saved this movie.

[52:29] Obviously,

[52:30] the castle freak is out.

[52:31] Maybe the world would like to see

[52:33] Vincent Gallo's penis

[52:34] unobscured by Chloe Sevigny.

[52:36] A massive prosthesis.

[52:38] Is that how you pronounce that?

[52:39] A massive prosthesis

[52:40] a la Boogie Nights.

[52:42] Regardless,

[52:42] I see a real business opportunity

[52:44] for the Flophouse

[52:45] in opening a male nudity version

[52:46] of Mr. Skin.

[52:48] I think it already exists,

[52:49] but this is off the top of my head.

[52:51] It's called Mrs. Skin.

[52:51] But you could call it

[52:52] Mr. Foreskin

[52:53] and the logo would just be

[52:54] the Flophouse logo,

[52:55] but you'd all be wearing

[52:56] turtlenecks.

[52:57] My main concern is that

[52:59] the site would break up the gang

[53:00] as Ding Dong Gate

[53:01] would finally tear you apart

[53:03] debating whether or not

[53:04] to include the castle freak.

[53:06] If you go forward with it,

[53:07] I demand $700,000

[53:08] in repayment

[53:09] for providing the idea

[53:10] It's always $700,000.

[53:12] That's a good amount of money.

[53:13] Funny money.

[53:16] I'm on record

[53:17] as being a Gary Oldman apologist.

[53:20] Specifically for his penis?

Stuart Wellington

[53:22] For his penis.

[53:22] Specifically for his penis.

[53:23] What record is this?

[53:24] He was saying that

[53:25] because it's not a cold lake.

Elliott Kalan

[53:26] Is that a gold record

[53:27] that they put on the satellite

[53:28] and sent into space?

[53:29] He's jumping around

Dan McCoy

[53:30] on a cold lake.

[53:31] You cannot judge a man's penis by...

Elliott Kalan

[53:33] You don't have to use a cold lake

[53:35] just for a cold lake scene.

[53:39] I've seen impressive

[53:40] flaccid penises in movies.

[53:42] Yeah, but a flaccid penis

Dan McCoy

[53:43] gives no...

[53:44] You can't judge...

[53:45] And in my own life

[53:46] every time I look in the mirror.

[53:47] Sure, boom.

Elliott Kalan

[53:48] So you're saying that Gary...

[53:50] So Dan is on the record

[53:51] saying Gary Oldman

[53:51] is a grower,

[53:52] not a shower.

[53:53] Exactly.

[53:53] Sure.

[53:54] Look, Gary Oldman's penis

[53:55] is fine.

[53:56] I'm just saying

[53:56] it's not the kind of penis

[53:57] that would drive

[53:58] a Puritan woman

[53:59] to mad desire.

[54:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[54:03] To masturbate in the bath

[54:04] while a comely serving lady

[54:06] looks on.

[54:07] Looks on puckishly.

Elliott Kalan

[54:08] Was there like

[54:09] a magic butterfly

[54:10] or something?

[54:11] I think that...

[54:12] Like a magic bird?

Dan McCoy

[54:14] Yeah, it was a bird

[54:15] or something

[54:15] representing sex.

[54:18] I guess.

[54:19] The red bird of sex.

Elliott Kalan

[54:21] The red bird of sex.

[54:22] The blue bird

[54:22] of unhappinesses.

Dan McCoy

[54:25] Much more popular sister.

[54:27] Yeah.

[54:28] So,

[54:30] but recasting

[54:30] Gary Oldman's penis.

[54:32] I mean,

[54:33] just take a plaster cast of it

[54:34] so we have it for history.

[54:36] Maybe we could recast it

[54:38] with like the weasel

[54:38] from Food Fight.

Stuart Wellington

[54:41] Kind of look like a penis.

[54:42] What about...

[54:43] One of the shy halud

[54:44] from Dune.

Elliott Kalan

[54:45] What about like

[54:45] lowly worm

[54:46] from the Richard Scarry books?

[54:47] Yeah.

[54:48] Yeah.

[54:50] Got a lot of personality.

[54:52] There's a little hat

[54:53] with a feather in it.

[54:54] Now,

[54:54] if Demi Moore

[54:55] was stumbling

[54:56] through the forest

[54:57] and saw Gary Oldman

[54:58] and his penis

[54:58] had a little hat

[54:59] with a feather on it,

[55:00] she would have to run

[55:01] to that bathtub

[55:02] to masturbate

[55:03] or else she's just

[55:03] doing it in the woods

[55:04] right there.

Stuart Wellington

[55:05] Yep.

[55:05] Or maybe we could go down

[55:06] to an Aztec temple

[55:07] and summon Quetzalcoatl.

[55:09] Ah,

[55:09] the winged serpent,

[55:10] huh?

[55:11] And videotape

[55:12] and then stick that

[55:12] in the movie.

[55:13] Yeah.

[55:14] So,

[55:15] I hope that answered

Elliott Kalan

[55:15] your question.

[55:16] Yep.

[55:17] And now...

[55:18] Beaker.

[55:19] Yeah.

[55:19] Just stuff Beaker on him.

[55:21] And so his penis

[55:22] is going...

Dan McCoy

[55:22] It's a very selfish penis.

[55:27] All he cares about

[55:27] is me.

Elliott Kalan

[55:29] What about her needs?

[55:30] Oh.

[55:31] Oh.

[55:33] Dan,

[55:33] did you just kick me

[55:34] in the gut

[55:35] with your words?

[55:37] Oh,

[55:38] I gotta...

[55:38] Oh,

[55:38] boy.

[55:39] I gotta sit

Dan McCoy

[55:39] the rest of this episode out.

[55:41] You know,

[55:42] nothing makes me happier...

[55:43] The one thing

[55:44] that makes me happier

[55:45] than a laugh

[55:45] from Elliot

[55:46] is the sound

[55:48] of moans of pain.

[55:50] Anything that makes you

[55:52] drive Elliot away

[55:53] from comedy

[55:54] in its entirety.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] It's a good thing

[55:55] I already had a child

[55:56] because I don't think

[55:56] I can have one anymore

[55:57] after that joke.

Dan McCoy

[55:59] So,

[56:00] this is the last segment

[56:01] of the show.

[56:02] It's where we recommend

[56:03] movies that we actually liked

[56:04] rather than Pompeii.

[56:06] I'm gonna go first

[56:07] because I think

[56:07] this is gonna be

[56:08] a controversial recommendation.

[56:10] Pompeii.

[56:11] Don't speak.

[56:12] I'm gonna recommend

[56:13] a movie that

[56:15] I don't necessarily think

[56:16] is a particularly good movie

Stuart Wellington

[56:18] but it's one

[56:19] that I've had

Dan McCoy

[56:19] a lot of fun watching.

[56:21] I've already recommended that.

[56:23] Whenever I come across

[56:24] this movie on television,

[56:27] I usually stop,

[56:29] watch it for a while,

[56:29] and thank you, baby.

[56:30] Open up shop.

[56:31] Yeah.

[56:31] What's such a

[56:32] open up shop,

[56:33] you said?

[56:33] Yeah, yeah, DMX.

[56:34] Oh, I don't know that one.

[56:35] Is that a bike?

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] DMX bandits?

[56:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[56:40] It's another movie

[56:41] about a volcano erupting

[56:43] in a highly populated city

[56:45] and it's called

[56:46] Volcano.

[56:47] Alright, basic title.

Elliott Kalan

[56:49] Tommy Lee Jones

[56:50] and Anne Heche.

Dan McCoy

[56:52] And Annette Heche.

[56:54] It was at the height

[56:55] of her popularity, right?

Elliott Kalan

[56:56] Yeah.

[56:57] Was she the former

[56:58] Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres then

[56:59] or not yet?

Dan McCoy

[57:01] I don't know whether

[57:02] this was either pre

[57:03] or during Ellen DeGeneres.

[57:05] Okay.

[57:05] This was not post

[57:05] her relationship

[57:08] with Ms. DeGeneres.

[57:10] But this was

[57:11] it's a silly

[57:13] disaster movie

[57:14] but it builds nicely.

[57:18] The ridiculousness

[57:19] of it is all fun.

[57:21] I enjoy the fact

[57:22] that they use

[57:23] concrete barricades

[57:24] to make lava

[57:26] flow down to the ocean.

[57:28] That's their big plan.

[57:30] Tommy Lee Jones

[57:31] is barking out orders

[57:32] as LA's

[57:33] like disaster preparedness.

[57:34] I want you to search

Stuart Wellington

[57:35] every hen house,

[57:36] dog house,

[57:36] cat house

[57:37] for this volcano.

[57:38] I just remembered

[57:39] a lot of it took place

[57:39] in a subway tunnel

[57:40] and then some dude

[57:41] got all melted by that.

Dan McCoy

[57:45] It's got fun

[57:47] like

Elliott Kalan

[57:47] it's got fun

[57:48] volcano effects

[57:49] and sound mixing

[57:50] and shit.

[57:51] This is fun, bro.

[57:52] If you like it,

[57:53] go with it.

Dan McCoy

[57:53] At the end of it,

[57:54] there's a big volcano

[57:55] in the middle of LA

[57:56] and they play

[57:57] I Love LA

[57:58] over the credits.

[57:59] Yeah.

[57:59] It's fun.

[58:00] No, it's fun.

[58:01] No, yeah.

[58:01] It's a laugh.

[58:02] It's a larf.

[58:03] Check your brain

[58:04] at the door.

[58:04] Yeah.

[58:05] No, literally.

[58:05] I mean,

[58:06] in this case,

[58:06] actually,

[58:07] check your brain

[58:07] at the door,

[58:07] but you'll have

[58:08] a lot more fun

[58:08] watching it

[58:09] than Pompeii.

[58:09] So it's a good,

[58:10] bad movie.

[58:11] You know,

[58:12] it's a movie

[58:12] I kind of like.

[58:13] I know it's bad,

[58:14] but I still enjoy it.

Stuart Wellington

[58:15] Yeah, just pop some

[58:16] Redenbockers.

[58:17] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[58:18] Stick it up your ass.

[58:20] Whoa.

[58:21] Whoa.

[58:22] Whoa, Dan.

[58:23] What is going on?

[58:24] Are you a volcano drunk?

Elliott Kalan

[58:27] I don't know what's happening.

[58:32] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[58:33] Okay, so.

Elliott Kalan

[58:35] Dan is not sick anymore,

[58:36] yet somehow,

[58:38] it still doesn't make sense.

Stuart Wellington

[58:41] Am I allowed to recommend

[58:42] a movie now?

[58:42] I hope so, please.

[58:44] Who knows,

Elliott Kalan

[58:45] at any minute,

[58:45] Dan's going to start

[58:46] sticking things up butts.

Stuart Wellington

[58:47] I'm going to recommend

[58:48] a New Zealand horror comedy

[58:51] that I think should be

[58:53] made available

[58:54] in most streaming services.

[58:56] I think you can rent it

[58:57] in most streaming services now.

[58:58] It's called Housebound.

[59:00] It is an interesting

[59:03] little horror comedy,

[59:04] basically a haunted house story

[59:08] about a young woman

[59:10] who has a criminal background

[59:12] who is sentenced

[59:14] to house arrest

[59:16] in her mother's house.

[59:18] And she realizes

[59:19] that her crazy mother,

[59:21] that the stories

[59:23] her crazy mother tells

[59:24] about the house being haunted

[59:25] might actually be true.

[59:28] And the interesting things,

[59:30] they do some good stuff

[59:31] with playing with

[59:32] the actual space,

[59:34] like the limitations

[59:34] of being actually

[59:35] under house arrest

[59:37] with an ankle monitor.

[59:38] And the lead

[59:40] is very charming,

[59:41] and she's also

[59:41] very capable.

[59:43] But like a lot of

[59:44] horror comedies,

[59:47] after the,

[59:48] you know,

[59:49] the setup is great,

[59:50] and the first two thirds

[59:51] are a lot of fun

[59:52] and it kind of drags

[59:53] in the final third.

[59:54] It could probably

[59:55] use some editing.

[59:56] But there's also

[59:57] a couple of good scenes

[59:58] of really gory stuff,

[59:59] so I like that.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:00] So a couple of

[1:00:01] qualified recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:00:03] Okay, well I'm going to give

[1:00:04] two unqualified recommendations.

[1:00:07] Do it.

[1:00:07] The first is a movie

[1:00:08] that I hadn't thought

[1:00:09] originally about

[1:00:09] recommending tonight,

[1:00:10] but it's a similar type

[1:00:12] of movie to what we watched.

[1:00:13] It's not based on

[1:00:13] a real natural disaster,

[1:00:15] but it's based on

[1:00:15] real-ish types of things.

[1:00:18] And that's the movie

[1:00:19] The Hurricane,

[1:00:20] directed by John Ford.

[1:00:21] This is the 30s,

[1:00:22] The Hurricane.

[1:00:23] Not the movie

[1:00:23] The Hurricane starring

[1:00:25] Denzel Washington

[1:00:25] about Hurricane Carter.

[1:00:27] Based on the Bob Dylan song.

[1:00:28] Yeah.

[1:00:29] And the drink.

[1:00:30] The song is based

[1:00:31] on a real person too.

[1:00:32] I don't think so.

[1:00:33] This is The Hurricane

[1:00:34] directed by John Ford

[1:00:37] with John Hall,

[1:00:38] Dorothy L'Amour,

[1:00:38] and a number of

[1:00:39] star character actors

[1:00:41] of Hollywood's yesteryear

[1:00:42] such as C. Aubrey Smith,

[1:00:43] Thomas Mitchell,

[1:00:44] Raymond Massey,

[1:00:45] John Carradine.

[1:00:45] It's got a great cast.

[1:00:46] And me, Seabiscuit.

[1:00:48] Nope.

[1:00:49] The world's most popular horse.

[1:00:50] Nope, not in it at all.

[1:00:52] And it's about a...

[1:00:52] See you later.

[1:00:54] To a man and woman

[1:00:56] who love each other

[1:00:56] on a Polynesian island,

[1:00:58] the man is goaded by...

[1:01:01] He's a sailor

[1:01:02] and he's goaded

[1:01:02] by a racist white man

[1:01:04] in a bar.

[1:01:05] What does goaded mean?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:07] Like he gets turned

[1:01:07] into a goat?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:08] Yeah, yeah.

[1:01:08] Goaded.

[1:01:09] Goaded.

[1:01:09] No, he's taunted.

[1:01:11] He's goaded

[1:01:12] and he's taunted

[1:01:13] into fighting

[1:01:13] and is thrown in jail

[1:01:15] and he tries to escape.

[1:01:17] He's taunt, taunt

[1:01:18] into fighting.

[1:01:19] He tries to escape

[1:01:20] to get back

[1:01:20] to the woman he loves

[1:01:21] and each escape

[1:01:22] tacks more time

[1:01:23] onto his sentence.

[1:01:24] And so he's ground down

[1:01:25] by the system

[1:01:26] until finally a hurricane

[1:01:27] is going to arrive

[1:01:28] on his island

[1:01:28] right when he escapes

[1:01:30] successfully

[1:01:31] and the hurricane scenes

[1:01:33] when they hit

[1:01:34] are genuinely frightening

[1:01:36] to me.

[1:01:36] I felt like there's

[1:01:37] every...

[1:01:38] It's this weird thing

[1:01:39] because it's a movie

[1:01:39] from 1937

[1:01:40] so that you'll see

[1:01:41] one shot

[1:01:41] that looks super fake

[1:01:42] and another shot

[1:01:43] edited a second later in

[1:01:45] that looks very real

[1:01:46] and is very scary.

[1:01:48] Like it looks like

[1:01:48] these people are in danger

[1:01:49] from this hurricane.

[1:01:50] And so a lot of the effects

[1:01:52] hold up really well.

[1:01:52] Not all of them.

[1:01:53] It's a very,

[1:01:54] you know,

[1:01:54] naive, simplistic tale

[1:01:55] of love between

[1:01:57] kind of what

[1:01:58] Hollywood's idea

[1:01:59] of Tahitian villagers

[1:02:00] would have been

[1:02:01] at the time.

[1:02:03] But it's a really good

[1:02:04] old-fashioned

[1:02:04] kind of like

[1:02:05] pulpy romance

[1:02:07] adventure movie

[1:02:08] of a type that Pompeii

[1:02:09] wants to be

[1:02:09] and doesn't quite pull off.

[1:02:11] So The Hurricane

[1:02:11] I'd recommend

[1:02:12] based on this movie.

[1:02:13] But also,

[1:02:13] I was originally

[1:02:14] going to recommend

[1:02:14] a movie I saw recently

[1:02:15] that I liked

[1:02:16] called The Chant

[1:02:17] of Jimmy Blacksmith

[1:02:18] which is an Australian

[1:02:19] movie from the late 70s

[1:02:21] about,

[1:02:22] that takes place

[1:02:23] at the turn

[1:02:23] of the 20th century

[1:02:24] and it's based

[1:02:26] on a novel

[1:02:26] that was based on a,

[1:02:28] adapted from a true story

[1:02:29] about an aborigine

[1:02:31] who was raised

[1:02:32] by white parents

[1:02:34] and tried to do

[1:02:35] his best to kind of

[1:02:37] make something of himself

[1:02:38] in the Australia

[1:02:39] of the time

[1:02:39] which was,

[1:02:41] at the time,

[1:02:41] horrifically racist

[1:02:42] against aborigines.

[1:02:43] Now I guess it's just

[1:02:44] maybe a little bit.

[1:02:45] But he is so beaten

[1:02:47] down by the system

[1:02:48] that he snaps

[1:02:49] and commits

[1:02:49] a horrifically violent crime

[1:02:51] and has to go on the run

[1:02:53] and is being hunted down

[1:02:54] by the Australian

[1:02:55] police and army.

[1:02:57] And so it manages

[1:02:59] to tell like

[1:03:00] an anti-racism story

[1:03:01] in a way that doesn't feel

[1:03:03] totally heavy-handed

[1:03:05] and stupid and dull.

[1:03:07] And there are a lot

[1:03:07] of very affecting scenes

[1:03:08] in it.

[1:03:09] And the lead guy

[1:03:09] who I think was not

[1:03:10] a professional actor

[1:03:11] when he made the movie

[1:03:12] is really good in it

[1:03:13] as Jimmy Blacksmith.

[1:03:14] So The Hurricane

[1:03:15] for adventure,

[1:03:16] for fans of

[1:03:17] weather

[1:03:17] and weather-based adventures

[1:03:19] and the chant

[1:03:20] of Jimmy Blacksmith

[1:03:21] for fans of Blacksmiths.

[1:03:22] For fans of Blacksmiths.

[1:03:23] How's the weather

[1:03:24] in that?

[1:03:25] It's pretty nice mostly.

[1:03:26] There's a few rainstorms

[1:03:27] but otherwise

[1:03:28] for fans of

[1:03:29] older Australian films.

[1:03:31] All right.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:33] We did it, dudes.

[1:03:34] Yeah.

[1:03:34] Another

[1:03:35] sword and sandal movie

[1:03:37] down.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:38] Dude, can we

[1:03:38] not watch any more of these?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:40] Maybe we'll stop.

[1:03:41] Thank you.

[1:03:41] Oh, man.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:43] Of all the

[1:03:43] inexplicably

[1:03:44] returning trends,

[1:03:46] sword and sandal

[1:03:46] is a weird one.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:47] Well, here's a good,

[1:03:48] here's something

[1:03:49] to keep your spirits up.

[1:03:51] I think next episode

[1:03:53] we'll do the contest

[1:03:54] winner listener choice

[1:03:57] from our

[1:03:58] Song of the Autumn.

[1:04:00] And that choice was...

[1:04:02] Are we going to say

[1:04:03] ahead of time?

[1:04:04] No, let's keep it

[1:04:05] as a surprise for now.

[1:04:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:06] Okay.

[1:04:06] It's not another

[1:04:07] Hercules movie, right?

[1:04:08] Let's just assume

[1:04:08] it's Ghostbusters

[1:04:09] and that we're going

[1:04:10] to have a great time

[1:04:11] watching it.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:12] And we'll have no

[1:04:12] criticisms of it

[1:04:13] and we'll just

[1:04:14] spend an hour

[1:04:14] talking about it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:15] The only criticism

[1:04:17] will be that

[1:04:17] Ghostbusters 3

[1:04:18] hasn't gotten off

[1:04:19] and been made yet

[1:04:20] because the world

[1:04:21] is calling out

[1:04:22] for a third

[1:04:22] Ghostbusters.

[1:04:23] I thought I was

[1:04:23] that Save Another Day

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:24] song or whatever.

[1:04:25] Saving the Day?

[1:04:26] Saving the Day, yeah.

[1:04:27] Save Another Day?

[1:04:28] Save Another Day.

[1:04:28] That's for the

[1:04:29] fucking sequel

[1:04:29] or something.

[1:04:30] Yeah, yeah.

[1:04:30] The James Bond

Dan McCoy

[1:04:31] Ghostbusters crossover.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:34] Tomorrow never

[1:04:35] bust.

[1:04:38] Ghost finger.

[1:04:40] Such a ghost

[1:04:42] finger.

[1:04:44] A spider's ghost.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:47] That's Ghostfinger.

[1:04:48] Octobusty.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:50] Die and let bust.

[1:04:50] I mean, it kind of

[1:04:51] was Octobusty already.

[1:04:54] Doctor Ghost.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:56] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:57] You only live twice

[1:04:58] if one of the times

[1:04:59] you count is when

[1:05:00] you're a ghost.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:02] So I guess that's

[1:05:04] the end of the podcast.

[1:05:05] We can keep going

[1:05:06] with these James

[1:05:07] ghosting bus lights

[1:05:09] that we've been making

[1:05:10] for the podcast

[1:05:13] called The Flophouse.

[1:05:14] I've been Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:16] Yeah, I'm also

[1:05:16] on The Flophouse

[1:05:17] and my calling

[1:05:18] is Stuart Wellington.

[1:05:19] Your calling?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:21] This really is

[1:05:22] an avocation.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:24] And I'm on

[1:05:25] The Flophouse too

[1:05:26] through some

[1:05:27] bizarre blessing

[1:05:28] bestowed upon me

[1:05:29] by a merciful God

[1:05:30] and my name

[1:05:31] is Elliot Kalin.

[1:05:32] Good night, everyone.

[1:05:35] See you later.

[1:05:36] Sea Biscuit.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:45] Dan, which Cenobite

[1:05:47] would you not want

[1:05:48] you to jack you off?

Dan McCoy

[1:05:51] Would I not mind

[1:05:52] jacking off?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:53] No, if you...

[1:05:54] No, no, no.

[1:05:56] Wait a minute.

[1:05:56] Wait, we have to

[1:05:58] jack off a Cenobite now?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:00] Dan, you totally

[1:06:01] misunderstood who

[1:06:02] was doing the jacking

[1:06:03] of who.

[1:06:05] Although,

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:06] he has a really good point.

[1:06:07] This is a really good point.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:08] So, Dan,

[1:06:09] answer the question.

[1:06:11] Um, wait.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:12] That's gonna put

[1:06:13] new meaning to the term

[1:06:14] yanking my chain.

[1:06:15] I don't remember.

[1:06:16] Because they have

[1:06:17] chains for penis.

[1:06:18] They call them

[1:06:19] pinballers.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:20] I remember

[1:06:21] the night breeds.

[1:06:22] There was that

[1:06:22] moon face.

[1:06:23] Yeah, and night breeds

[1:06:25] all dudes

[1:06:25] jacking each other off.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:29] Okay, fine.

[1:06:30] Which Smurf

[1:06:31] would you rather

[1:06:32] have sex with, Dan?

[1:06:33] Can't say Lady Smurf.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:35] Vanity Smurf

[1:06:35] is off the table.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:38] You're taking a lot

[1:06:39] off the table.

[1:06:40] Vanity Smurf

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:40] is watching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:42] You choose between

[1:06:42] Papa Smurf

[1:06:43] with the other ones.

[1:06:46] Book Smurf

[1:06:46] with the other ones.

[1:06:47] There's a bigger Smurf.

[1:06:48] Cook Smurf.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:49] You hook up

[1:06:50] with Brainy Smurf?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:52] Look,

[1:06:54] it's like

[1:06:54] Revenge of the Nerds

[1:06:55] taught us.

[1:06:56] Nerds just think about sex.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:57] You choose Papa Smurf

[1:06:58] because he's been

[1:06:59] around the block.

[1:06:59] He knows a few tricks.

[1:07:01] Yeah, I was gonna do

[1:07:01] He's a real bear.

[1:07:03] That's true.

[1:07:04] Yeah, I guess.

[1:07:04] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:06] And if you blur your eyes,

[1:07:07] his beard makes

[1:07:08] his face look like

[1:07:09] a vagina.

[1:07:10] What?

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:11] I don't think so.

[1:07:13] I'm gonna call

[1:07:14] no on that.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:15] I'd pick

[1:07:16] Is there a Baker Smurf?

[1:07:18] I'd pick the one

[1:07:19] that would have

[1:07:20] food in his apartment

[1:07:22] after we're done

[1:07:23] having sex.

[1:07:24] Yeah.

[1:07:26] You know,

[1:07:27] to replenish

[1:07:27] my energy.

[1:07:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:30] You're gonna lose

[1:07:31] a lot of electrolytes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:32] The problem

[1:07:32] with Smurf

[1:07:33] Does a baker

[1:07:34] bake electrolytes

[1:07:35] in his bread?

[1:07:37] This is sports bread.

[1:07:41] It's orange.

[1:07:42] Oh, quick.

[1:07:43] Somebody get those

[1:07:43] Shark Tank dudes

[1:07:44] on the line.

[1:07:45] Sports bread's

[1:07:46] a great idea.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:47] This purple sports bread.

[1:07:49] Now, here's the thing.

[1:07:50] It's hard to have sex

[1:07:51] with a Smurf

[1:07:52] because their dirty talk

[1:07:53] is so incomprehensible.

[1:07:54] They're like,

[1:07:54] Oh, yeah.

[1:07:55] Smurf my Smurf.

[1:07:56] Smurfier.

[1:07:57] Smurfier.

[1:07:59] Smurf it.

[1:08:01] Smurf.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:02] Difficult.

[1:08:03] So, yeah,

[1:08:03] that would be

[1:08:04] an obstacle

[1:08:05] for you to overcome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:06] Yeah, of course,

[1:08:07] because communication

[1:08:08] is the bedrock of sex.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:10] And the brain

[1:08:11] is the biggest

[1:08:12] erogenous.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:14] Not if you have

[1:08:15] a 40-pound penis.

[1:08:16] Yeah.

Episode #166 - Pompeii

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