Episode #166 - Pompeii

[0:00] On tonight's episode, we watched Pompeiii...

[0:04] It Forward. Pompeii It Forward.

[0:07] Uh... what?

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:39] Hey everyone, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:41] Elliot Kalin here, rounding out the cast as himself.

[0:45] Yeah. And featuring no one else.

[0:47] Just the three guys. Special guest star, the regular people.

[0:51] It's like a one-man show times three.

[0:54] Yep. We're like a bunch of three Stooges, except there's only one of us.

[0:58] Wait. Oh yeah, this is one of those identity movies.

[1:01] Okay, so we're all in John Cusack's head.

[1:03] Yeah, and we're like, John, what is with the career choices you're making?

[1:06] It's like Multiplicity, if they stopped at two clones.

[1:10] Plus the original guy.

[1:14] Yeah, exactly. It's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde if there was a third guy

[1:19] who was also involved. Larry.

[1:21] Called Larry, Dr. Jekyll's buddy. Dr. Jekyll's buddy, Larry.

[1:26] Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Larry.

[1:32] Even Larry's like, I feel like I'm kind of extraneous here, guys.

[1:35] Kind of a third wheel. But many things have three wheels.

[1:38] Tricycles, that Mr. Bean car that's always getting knocked over.

[1:41] Yeah. Motorcycles with sidecars.

[1:44] I guess they've got four wheels, really.

[1:46] I mean, not if you build them wrong.

[1:49] That's true. If it's built brokenly, then yeah.

[1:52] So would Larry be the id, the ego, or the superego, Dan?

[1:56] No, he's the neighbor, who's always like, what's going on over at the Jekyll place?

[2:00] I gotta check in.

[2:01] It's kind of a three's company situation.

[2:03] So he always walks in and he thinks Dr. Jekyll's giving Mr. Hyde a handjob or something.

[2:08] They're like, no, we're teaching each other to dance.

[2:11] And he's like, that's not what I look like.

[2:13] Only one of them at a time, but yeah, certainly.

[2:16] Teaching each other to dance.

[2:19] It's called masturbating, guys. Grow up.

[2:23] Don't understand where this conversation went.

[2:26] Dan, what do we do on this thing that we're doing?

[2:28] What is this?

[2:29] Theoretically, it's a podcast that you downloaded.

[2:32] Yeah, thanks. I mean, they know that.

[2:35] Presumably they know that far.

[2:37] Unless they're streaming it.

[2:39] Or they're like being trapped somewhere.

[2:41] Look, you got this podcast somehow.

[2:43] Maybe you downloaded it.

[2:44] Maybe you found it in a bottle that you found in the ocean.

[2:47] Yeah, maybe a genie gave you a compact disc to play.

[2:52] He yanked it out of a Hellraiser guy's head.

[2:56] But the point is, we watch a bad movie.

[2:59] Maybe you're an exorcism and the demon-possessed youth is just repeating this to you.

[3:06] The point is, it's a podcast.

[3:08] Yeah, the premise, such as it is, that we watch a bad movie and then we discuss it with you.

[3:13] I mean, you don't really say anything.

[3:15] I mean, you can say it.

[3:16] We just won't hear it.

[3:17] Not because we can't, but because we refuse to.

[3:21] Whatever you're saying right now, I can't hear it.

[3:23] La la la la, not listening.

[3:25] Dan, continue.

[3:26] So, we watched tonight Pompeii.

[3:29] Pompeii!

[3:30] Based on the true story of Pompeii.

[3:32] Well, loosely based on real events.

[3:35] Yeah.

[3:36] And I was surprised to find that Pompeii is about as old-fashioned a natural disaster movie set in a historical setting as you can get.

[3:47] What are other historical disaster films?

[3:50] Well, I'm going to recommend one.

[3:51] Dante speak.

[3:52] You have movies like San Francisco, The Last Days of Pompeii, which is a much, much earlier movie about the eruption of Vesuvius.

[4:01] It's good that they said The Last Days of Pompeii rather than The Early Days of Pompeii.

[4:04] It's them founding the city.

[4:05] People are like, when's this volcano going to erupt?

[4:08] What about The Poseidon Adventure?

[4:10] No, not exactly.

[4:13] What about Titanic?

[4:14] Titanic, kind of.

[4:16] I mean, that's less of a natural disaster, but you have a lot of these movies.

[4:20] And this movie certainly wishes it was Titanic at points.

[4:22] Yes, very much so.

[4:23] During the studio era especially, you had a lot of movies that were like, we're going to take a real life, like the San Francisco earthquake, or like the fire, Great Fire of Chicago.

[4:34] We're going to add Mickey Rooney to it.

[4:36] Yeah, always.

[4:37] That was law, though.

[4:38] Roosevelt signed that into law as the Mickey Rooney Historical Disaster Film Act.

[4:42] Because Rooney needed the work.

[4:44] Come on.

[4:46] He was a kid.

[4:47] He was supporting his whole family.

[4:48] It was the Depression.

[4:49] Anyway, so they would say, here's a natural disaster.

[4:52] Everyone knows it's going to happen, so that's instant suspense.

[4:55] We'll have a love triangle between a good guy and a bad guy.

[4:59] And a girl.

[5:00] Okay.

[5:01] And then, yeah, that was the third point.

[5:02] Yeah, there's only two points.

[5:03] So she was the Larry in this case.

[5:05] Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Larry.

[5:07] Oh, yeah, it's a love triangle.

[5:08] Did I not mention that?

[5:09] Dr. Jekyll has a crush on Larry, but Larry has a crush on Hyde.

[5:12] Yeah, because he's a bad boy, dude.

[5:14] Larry loves that.

[5:16] So Dr. Jekyll keeps changing into Hyde to get Larry to like him.

[5:19] And at the end, Larry's like, Dr. Jekyll, I wasn't going to like you until you liked yourself.

[5:24] Exactly.

[5:25] And Dr. Jekyll's like, so you like me now?

[5:26] And Larry's like, no, I don't.

[5:28] I'm going out with Dracula now.

[5:30] The ultimate Mr. Hyde.

[5:32] The ultimate bad boy.

[5:34] Dracula, the ultimate Mr. Hyde.

[5:37] What a weird slogan.

[5:38] So speaking of Draculas, this movie has Kiefer Zellweger.

[5:44] How is he a Dracula?

[5:45] He was a Dracula in Lost Boys, dude.

[5:47] I guess he was a vampire.

[5:49] He wasn't a Dracula.

[5:51] Unless it was called Dracula's Kids.

[5:54] It was the Drac Pack.

[5:56] Little Draculas.

[5:57] Little Dracula Jr.

[5:59] California Drac.

[6:00] Little known fact about Drac.

[6:02] Drac.

[6:03] I didn't have anything.

[6:04] I just wanted to say that.

[6:05] He has a kid named Kiefer.

[6:09] So let's talk about...

[6:10] Trapped in a mirror world.

[6:11] This is an old-fashioned formula.

[6:12] What?

[6:13] They did not add anything new to it until, let's say, the last 25 minutes of the movie.

[6:17] Let's explain.

[6:18] We begin in Britannia in the year 62 A.D.

[6:22] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[6:23] This is a movie about the Roman city of Pompeii.

[6:26] Well, technically, Rome was just a city.

[6:29] It's the ancient city of Pompeii.

[6:31] It was part of the empire, I guess.

[6:33] All right.

[6:34] Carry on.

[6:35] So, carry on.

[6:36] That wasn't my concern.

[6:37] Like the British series?

[6:38] Carry on?

[6:39] Carry on.

[6:40] Up your mother.

[6:41] Whoa.

[6:42] Whoa.

[6:43] Whatever.

[6:44] It was the unreleased one?

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:46] Dad's mom, it was called.

[6:50] Feds, armies, carry on.

[6:52] Feds, armies, mom, carry on.

[6:54] Up the academy of your life.

[6:56] Up your bloody wankers.

[6:57] Are you being served towers?

[6:59] Yeah.

[7:00] Python.

[7:01] Et cetera.

[7:05] Why are you looking at me, Dan?

[7:07] Dan Busters.

[7:08] Yeah.

[7:09] Yeah, why were you looking at Stuart?

[7:11] I don't know.

[7:12] He's a handsome fellow.

[7:13] He is.

[7:14] Nice to look at.

[7:15] Anyway, we start in Britannia, and I know it's about Pompeii, but for some reason, we

[7:17] start in Britannia.

[7:18] And here's the reason.

[7:19] Because Falsodum's about to show up and kill Conan's dad and mom.

[7:23] Pretty much, yes.

[7:24] So, the Romans are subduing the Celts, and in doing so, they massacre a village, but

[7:30] they leave one boy alive by accident who has seen Keith or Sutherland.

[7:34] Harry Potter.

[7:35] Who's seen Keith or Sutherland, who plays Corvus, a Roman general who becomes a senator

[7:41] later on.

[7:42] Who's like nerdy bodyguard.

[7:44] And he has a nerdy bodyguard who apparently...

[7:47] Carl Winkles?

[7:48] His bodyguard who looks like a cross between like Paul Rubens and Jeff Goldblum and Eddie

[7:54] Dees and...

[7:55] And Anthony Weiner.

[7:56] And Anthony, yeah.

[7:57] Who kind of looks like those guys already.

[7:58] He did look like Anthony Weiner.

[7:59] That's right.

[8:00] And his name was like Trucules or something like that?

[8:02] Yeah.

[8:03] Broculus.

[8:05] Broculus Trucules.

[8:08] Broculus Mayhem Trucules.

[8:11] Yeah, he was based on Brock Mayhem before he existed.

[8:15] That's former Flophouse guest host and great friend of us, Brock Mayhem.

[8:20] Look him up.

[8:21] Hello, Brock.

[8:22] On the internet at brockmayhem.edu slash gov plus or minus AB divided by the square root

[8:30] of two equals X.

[8:32] Solve for X.

[8:33] Dot Tumblr.

[8:34] So...

[8:35] So anyway, Kiefer Sutherland and Trucules, Broculus, kill Kiefer Sutherland as a boy...

[8:42] No, kill this little boy's parents.

[8:44] Little boy escapes and is taken captive as a slave.

[8:47] And 17 years later, he has grown up to be Milo.

[8:51] Wait, his name's Milo?

[8:53] Yeah, I'm just realizing that looking at the Wikipedia entry.

[8:56] I had no idea what most of the characters' names were in this movie.

[8:59] But he turns up, grows up to be Kit Harington.

[9:01] I hope the other gladiator's name is Otis.

[9:03] Yeah.

[9:05] And the end of the movie is the only way to escape Vesuvius is to transmorph into a dog and a cat.

[9:11] Into a pug and a cat.

[9:13] And they go, paws don't fail us now.

[9:19] One of them turns into a little helicopter and flies the other one to safety.

[9:22] I was gonna say there's a dog and a cat shaped hole in the screen of the movie.

[9:27] Milo uses his ears like helicopter blades and flies them above the smoking hot ash that's

[9:33] falling on the city.

[9:34] Like the eagles in Tolkien.

[9:37] That's true.

[9:38] That's an accurate reference.

[9:39] Yeah, it is.

[9:40] And that's a thing.

[9:42] So anyway, he grows up to be Kit Harington from Game of Thrones.

[9:45] Okay.

[9:47] Kit Harington sounds like a girl orphan character.

[9:53] That's true.

[9:54] Like from the Depression.

[9:56] Or like an Edwardian juvenile adventure novel.

[9:59] Yeah.

[10:00] Novel starring Kit Harington or Kit Harington is like it is like a girl gumshoe reporter

[10:04] Well, she starts out as a boxcar child. She works her way up to to be president. Yeah

[10:09] The first little girl president and she fights Hitler

[10:13] In a Jax tournament, okay, and she wins all his dollies which leads him to invade Poland

[10:21] Dark ending. Yeah, ultimately she caused more harm. Oh, there's a reason they impeached her

[10:25] She was already president. She wasn't a baby. No, no, she was a little girl. She was like eight. Okay

[10:31] high crime

[10:35] Anyway high crimes and misdemeanor the cops villain

[10:40] Wait, misdemeanor was a villain. Yeah

[10:44] It's a bad thing and when my parents went to go see the movie crimes and misdemeanor

[10:48] I was like, okay, I'm gonna go see the movie crimes and misdemeanor

[10:51] I'm gonna go see the movie crimes and misdemeanor

[10:53] And when my parents went to go see the movie crimes and misdemeanors and I was a kid I thought it was about that character

[10:59] Anyway sexy, so Milo with no Otis is eventually grows up to be a gladiator

[11:05] Called the Celt who is owned by the best character in the movie a sort of foppish Dom DeLuise in history the world part one

[11:13] As you were saying Stewart, he was basically, uh, what's the character from Vicharama? Yeah, he doesn't bother

[11:20] There's a bot

[11:22] How great a joke that is?

[11:24] I mean number one just like the like the character

[11:27] But number two the idea that someone created a robot for the express purpose of being he didn't see

[11:33] Yeah, and he's like a robot couch that feeds himself grapes, right?

[11:38] Something like that. Anyway, great

[11:40] but he's not in this either, but this slave owner is and

[11:44] He is

[11:46] Leading him some I guess the slaves are taking this guy. He looks kind of like Guy Fieri's ancestor basically. Yeah, but without the frosted tips

[11:54] That's before they invented them. Yeah back then when you wanted frosted tips, you had to put ice in your hair

[11:59] Yeah, you had to climb the mountains and fight frost giants

[12:03] To learn the secret of their hair

[12:07] Continue I guess on the road while he's being brought to Pompeii

[12:12] Milo runs across a carriage carrying Cassia played by Emily Browning who is the daughter of Jared Harris as

[12:19] Some big muckety-muck maher in Pompeii. Yeah, she's returning from Rome and

[12:24] her horse dies or something her horse is hurt and

[12:28] She convinces the slave owner to unlock

[12:31] Milo so that he can

[12:33] Soothe the horse to death because being a Celt

[12:36] He knows horses and he manages to whisper to the horse until it gets distracted and then snaps its neck to put it out

[12:42] Of its misery, but we should point out. There's a there's a number of recurring flop house favorites here

[12:47] You got Emily Browning who was a sucker punch and the uninvited yet. Jared Harris from the quiet one

[12:52] Keep it all in front of mirrors. You got

[12:55] Director Paul WS Anderson from three musketeers. Oh, it's a real flop coming. It's a flop reunion. Yeah, who's flop coming Queen?

[13:03] Emily Browning in this case, right? You mean with her crazy cheekbones that we're slicing people up left, right?

[13:09] There is a shark. Yeah, baby cheekbones

[13:11] She has really defined cheekbones the point that I wanted her to use them as a weapon at the end

[13:16] Sure

[13:16] I keep her something would swing a sword at her and she'd catch it on her cheekbone and push it away and then slash at

[13:21] him with her cheekbone you were worried that

[13:23] The Mount Pompeii would erupt because of the proximity to the gravitational pull of her enormous cheekbone. Yeah, and no

[13:30] Vesuvius Pompeii is a city. It's not Mount Pompeii

[13:34] Should I watch the movie maybe just read up anything on it, but

[13:40] Yeah, your punishment is to watch the movie again. Oh, but anyway Cassia is taken with this slave long story short

[13:47] That's the the love triangle becomes Cassia who has a crush on this slave who's becoming a famous gladiator

[13:53] And who befriends at ABC who was the previous star gladiator? Yeah, and mr. Echo from lost

[13:59] And then the third point in the triangle is Kiefer Sutherland who returns to Pompeii that returns just shows up

[14:06] He's now a big Roman senator with an army behind him. He has not aged a day

[14:12] He has not aged a day and neither has his Anthony Weiner sidekick. No and

[14:17] He apparently Cassia ran from Rome because Kiefer Sutherland wanted to marry her now

[14:22] He's there and he's saying and he and he's he's there as a possible investor in Jared Harris's

[14:29] New building projects in Pompeii and I have to admit until two of the action scenes that came up later

[14:35] The most exciting part of the movie was when Jared Harris was showing his proposed models

[14:40] To to Kiefer Sutherland to show him what kind of projects he should invest in but I don't I don't know that that was like

[14:45] But I don't know that was the content of the scene either though

[14:48] That was like you got two real hambones hamming it up

[14:52] Jared Harris and Kiefer Sutherland and Kiefer Sutherland

[14:55] I enjoyed very much in this movie like the more mustache twirly he got the better

[15:00] Yeah, yeah as the movie goes on he becomes more and more cartoonish and just smirks

[15:05] Everything and like the movie needed more that let's just say this while we're talking about it

[15:08] this is a bland movie and it could use more charming character and

[15:12] Kiefer Sutherland provides a little bit of that the guy who plays the decadent gladiator owner provides a little bit of that

[15:18] The hero has is like a blank sheet of paper

[15:21] Yeah, gladiator pals is more his gladiator pal is more fun and has a more heroic

[15:28] Climax at the end. I kind of wish that instead of Kit Harington Milo's backstory or reporter. Yeah the beginning

[15:35] the beginning of the

[15:37] Beginning of the movie had just been Kiefer Sutherland like actively pursuing

[15:42] the

[15:43] Emily Browning's character like awkwardly pursuing her constantly in Rome and her like rebuffing him

[15:49] Yeah

[15:49] so they were like man what a jerk and they played more of that up because I felt that stuff was way more exciting than

[15:55] Any of the other?

[15:56] Conan the Barbarian gladiator ripoff stuff. Yeah, exactly

[16:01] Let's to make a long story short. It all comes to a head when

[16:06] Milo has recognized the people who killed his family and

[16:10] For whatever reason you don't know you're somewhere. Yeah, didn't you kill someone? I know

[16:17] Like probably I killed a million people

[16:20] No, no, no. No, it was someone close to me. But the whole thing is I'm glad he doesn't remember who

[16:26] Who he knows who got killed? Was it? No, it wasn't my teacher. I killed my teacher. Was it a

[16:32] Oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue. It was a man and a woman my

[16:37] Sonny and Cher killed Sonny and Cher right my favorite song and dance team personal assistant. You killed my

[16:45] Big egos my mom my mom and my dad

[16:51] Dax you killed my digital audio tape, right? That's what it was. Why'd you do that?

[16:55] Sometimes I'm off and broke my table. My archives were on that. I know it's gonna break down eventually

[17:00] Anyway, it's not a great archival format, but still it's all the same at least give me time to transfer it to something a little

[17:06] More permanent. Anyway, great to see I'll get revenge later. How is the family? How are the folks still not married?

[17:11] Huh, Jason Cassia? Well, let me say I'm interested in her too. That's amazing. It's the cheekbones. Yeah, gotta watch yourself

[17:17] I got too close and it was like she I didn't even touch her and it still cut me somehow like a

[17:22] Master swordsman ninja sword just slicing the molecules of air. Anyway, I've tossed long enough

[17:28] Important business to do you get all these Centurions and that guy looks like Anthony Wiener right next to he's looking pretty bored

[17:33] I know you got a lot of important business Jared Harris

[17:36] I think wanted to talk to you that guy is a really good actor

[17:38] It's got a little bit of a ham in him, but still really great loves him on Mad Men

[17:42] When is Mad Men coming back? Am I really gonna have to wait until next year for all the episodes?

[17:47] I bet excuse me. I'm chatting too much and I got a gladiator fight to get to fight to the death. Oh boy

[17:52] Anyway, it's a living as they say in the Flintstones now. There's a Flintstones

[17:56] How far away are we from that because we're still living in stone houses and wearing like toga's

[18:08] What age of the world he's living

[18:11] Are we in relation to the Bible like did that happen yet or because I don't know it's a D

[18:16] Right happened after Flintstones after Flintstones. That's what 80 stands for after the Flintstones. I'm jumping in here

[18:23] I'm nailing the Keithers part

[18:26] I'm rambling on but that's me. I don't have a lot of people to talk to in the slave pits

[18:30] So what is new with you? What's going on? You look like you haven't

[18:34] You heard me it's my favorite animal

[18:37] Anyway, when you're a slave you got you looking for anything that alive and things up and I found a picture of a canoe once

[18:42] Just carry it with me. I'll show it to you right here

[18:44] If I can follow I got a lot of pockets in this toga, and you know, I'm still having trouble finding

[18:48] Yeah, it was a drawn picture, but it was really photo realistic, which is a word. I just use even though we don't have those yet

[18:57] Build a beast

[18:59] But I like calling them good news because it's like is it new is it good?

[19:03] No, I don't know. It's a little fun. I love mystery speaking of have you been watching Sherlock Benedict Cumberbatch?

[19:11] This is why I was so good at playing Andy

[19:16] His Annie Rooney would just do that stream of consciousness thing Annie Rooney

[19:21] The lovable girl from the Depression who complained kid Harrington and Annie Rooney

[19:25] The Sun will come out but why does the Sun have to come out the moon will come out but nobody sings songs about it

[19:32] I guess there are a lot of songs about the moon now that I think about it, but I can't know all the songs

[19:36] I don't have a digital audio tape in my head reason to keep going

[19:40] Anyway, that's the truth. The point is it all comes to a head

[19:44] When everybody knows everybody else is there Mount Pompeii explodes? No. No, it hasn't happened yet. It's not called that

[19:50] They're in the arena. There's in the arena

[19:52] There's this big gladiatorial contest and they've decided to simulate the battle reenact the battle in which

[20:00] Kiefer Sutherland subdued the Celts and they've arranged it so that our heroes Milo and his friends the other gladiator

[20:07] Atticus are gonna die because they're playing the parts of the Celts and

[20:12] Kiefer Sutherland says you're gonna give me your daughter's hand in marriage or I'm gonna not only am I not gonna invest in your projects

[20:18] I'm gonna tell Emperor Titus that you were bad-mouthing him and you're all gonna be hung to death and

[20:23] so

[20:24] There's a big battle in the arena

[20:27] So during this arena this this reenactment does

[20:31] Kiefer Sutherland play the Robert he Robert he Robert Eurich is that who was a

[20:36] Hero, who's on unsolved mysteries higher?

[20:40] Unsolved mysteries is Robert Vaughn. Yeah. Okay, then that guy

[20:50] No, I think Robert Vaughn was a different person look it up anyway, okay, Robert Wagner

[20:55] Maybe that's not thinking of

[20:57] I'm not sure. Look it up. I'm thinking Bob Euchre. Anyway, why were you what is that?

[21:02] I'm gonna do it a reenactment. So who's the guy who does all the setup and explains it to every no

[21:07] Well, there's like there's a chorus. Oh, yeah, there's a Greek mass speakers. Well Roman chorus, I guess Robert stack everybody Robert stack

[21:16] Yeah, you see the bazooms on that guy

[21:19] Under the

[21:21] None of them Roberts we could have picked that we didn't yeah, Robin Roberts. We didn't say that

[21:28] Rockin Robert tree other Robert Lee Lee Roberts, etc. Yeah, Robert McCoy Julia Roberts

[21:35] Robbie Robertson from the spider-man comics

[21:38] Anyway, the point is they have this big battle where in that this big faked battle

[21:42] But it's real because it's gladiators with that

[21:44] The heroes are supposed to die in but through a ludicrous bunch of fighting they managed to kill everybody who's thrown at them

[21:50] Yeah, and so the two toughest dudes on the on the loser side

[21:55] They put them on like a paper machine mountain and they at least not your usual mayhem

[22:03] Not your usual

[22:06] Anyway, I'm tired of your usual man

[22:09] Sick of it. I've seen it a million times before

[22:12] Let's have some crazier mayhem like I don't know we'll like throw like watermelons that a

[22:23] To beat up a robber, I don't know

[22:27] That's not a crazy man. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, so they have this and this is one of two scenes that I genuinely enjoyed

[22:35] Okay, there's this big battle scene now part of that is because in ancient Roman times they did do gladiator fight

[22:42] Reenactment of battles they would flood the Coliseum and do naval battles

[22:45] So at least they're taking the idea of a real thing and making a scene out of it

[22:50] Mm-hmm, and I have to say they really were making a scene

[22:53] The head the head waiter should have ushered them out. It was ruining everybody's dinners

[22:57] But the point is it they they're trying to make a scene out of it

[23:01] But it gets crazy bonkers and what good fighters these guys are

[23:04] Yeah, and the chains that seem to get longer whenever they need their change to this paper machine mountain

[23:09] And yet the chains do nothing to hinder their movements to the point that

[23:13] It becomes a benefit where Milo is riding a horse around the arena. Just clothes lining all the enemy soldiers with his chain

[23:21] but during this fight when things look like it's gonna be lost and

[23:25] Fighting some real Roman soldiers come in because Milo in openly insults the Roman Empire

[23:31] Key for someone sends real soldiers in there's a battle but then all throughout the movie there's been little shocks

[23:38] Leading up to the eruption of Vesuvius that start out like a horror movie

[23:42] There's a like there's a servant who works for a Cassia who was taking her horse out to drink at a river for what some reason

[23:48] And there's the ground rumbles up and swallows him up on the horse runs away

[23:52] And then later the grounds rumbling around the horse and it looks like the volcano is trying to erase the witnesses to the murder

[23:59] So it's been leading up to this point and the only person who really noticed that there's no alert

[24:03] That horse is the only one who surprised the whole movie. Yeah

[24:06] So here's the thing. The only person who's noticed that hey the ground keeps shaking

[24:12] Maybe that's not a good thing is the gladiator owner who is a total decadent

[24:16] Hedonist. Yeah, so he's wants to get the H out of Pompeii

[24:21] But what Hades Hades? Yeah, he wants to get the Hades out of Pompeii. So

[24:27] but what so while right before the bad guys are about to kill the good guys Vesuvius erupts and we get into the

[24:33] Disaster portion and now this is the portion of this type of movie like a good it's almost the last half of the movie

[24:38] I mean, I was like the last 40 minutes or so. Yeah. Yeah, it's this is that this is the last

[24:42] This is the real me. It's the third act

[24:44] It's the part in any of these movies where there's the natural disaster finally hits the levels are separate

[24:50] It's earns of man are put into are really strong. Yeah. Yeah stark relief Tony Stark relief in that Tony Stark needed use the bathroom

[24:59] You know, he's relieved. You know what guys?

[25:02] Man plans God laughs

[25:05] No, I'm saying guys. Mm-hmm. I mean the plan is funny enough. God laughs

[25:09] The man's like I'm gonna put a banana peel down. I'm gonna slip on it and fall. God's like that is rich. Yes laughter forthcoming

[25:18] Laughter achieve director like step a is put banana down that be a slip on minute

[25:25] That's a two-step plan

[25:27] Fall look how complicated is the plan have to be there the profit it's Occam's prank the simplest prank

[25:35] Yes

[25:36] Yes at this point Paul WS Anderson has set up all the dominoes and is ready to knock him down

[25:47] So all the characters are separated by design so step one is immediately kill Jared Harris and

[25:54] Carrie Ann Moss, which happens Carrie and Moss plays Jared Harris a rap on Harrison Moss

[26:03] Get this mossy Harris out of here

[26:06] They call Carrie and Moss mossy. Yeah

[26:09] Hey mossy

[26:11] Please don't call me that. Hey Massimo. I don't I was that on Matrix coming. It's over

[26:18] Hey, you mementoed anything lately

[26:20] That was one movie I made and other movies you made would be I can't remember

[26:27] Even Carrie and Moss is looking up for IMDb page. I mean like what did I do?

[26:32] anyway curious

[26:34] The you are furious. Yeah, that does that the natural disaster separates everybody. They've got to find each other

[26:39] They've got to keep their petty fights going as the city around them is destroyed

[26:43] And I will say this a lot of this movie looked a shock a lot guys

[26:47] Talk a lot of the Wesker Craven movie shock a lot

[26:51] Disturb you. Oh, yeah

[26:53] Go on a lot of this movie looked fake and cheap almost all of it the actual erupting effects

[27:00] I thought looked really good. Okay, like if this was a

[27:03] Seven-minute movie that was just shots of Vesuvius erupting. I'd be like that was a pretty good movie, but it's not yeah

[27:09] I mean if you're gonna call movie Pompeii, you're gonna have good shots Pompeii blown up. Yeah, it's the money shot

[27:13] Yeah, now when you say Pompeii blowing up you mean the city Pompeii, that's gonna be for you to figure out

[27:20] I've got a puzzle it out. We've got some dominoes. You have to not get a regular house of leaves going on right here

[27:27] so

[27:28] The but then the movie gets it's just people running around and fireballs falling out of the sky

[27:32] It gets pretty monotonous. The characters are running around eventually though

[27:36] the

[27:38] Atticus meets up with the henchmen who looks like Anthony Weiner and

[27:43] Finally Cassia and

[27:45] Milo and Milo meet up with

[27:47] Kiefer Sutherland and you have two pretty good fights

[27:52] Amazing some action sequences as fires falling all around and this is when the special effects get

[27:58] So fake that they become fantastic. Yeah, it's like something out of like a like a music video from the early 90s

[28:04] Yeah, I mean if you're trying to find consistency with our tastes like in the longtime listener

[28:10] First time caller may be frustrated

[28:13] trying to like

[28:15] stack one

[28:16] Opinion up of one movie up against the opinion of another movie

[28:19] But the thing is like that's that's a fool's game in the first place. It's true

[28:24] Sometimes we complain about how stupid CGI looks but sometimes stupid looking CGI is so delightful

[28:30] Yeah that we can't help would be recently we watched that other swords and sandals movie

[28:36] 300 rise of an empire which had

[28:39] By all means better special effects, but they were not as much fun to watch. No, it's like well

[28:45] It's like an uncanny valley thing where the better special effects get the better

[28:50] They are and the worse they get the worse

[28:52] They are except there's this one dip or like a spike where it's like they get so bad that they're super enjoyable

[28:57] Yeah, if you have they look crazy like Emily Browning changed to

[29:02] chariot that's rushing

[29:04] Using a spiral Emily Browning using a splinter of wood to pick the lock of her hands cuff on a chariot as

[29:10] fireballs fly all around and everything is weirdly flattened and distorted and nothing looks like it's the same plane of reality and it's like

[29:19] It's just it's just so it looks like you're watching Moulin Rouge or something, you know

[29:23] Everything there's all these characters riding in front of a backdrop and there's all it comes out and sings like a virgin

[29:29] Yeah, we all go happy

[29:31] It's like there's all these weird like zooms and slo-mo for no reason and bad CGI effects and it's like

[29:39] Anderson touch. Yeah, are you guys familiar with the video art of Ryan Trick artin?

[29:43] I think he did he did an art video called a family finds entertainment

[29:48] Which is crazy and there were parts of the end of Pompeii that reminded me of that just like homemade art video

[29:54] Where he's using editing equipment to just make the screen explode into shards and things like that

[30:00] So, I guess when you start with a youth queer artist, homemade video art, and a big budget

[30:11] sword and sandal action adventure, and this is the point where the two converge in terms

[30:16] of the quality of their special effects, and that's kind of a beautiful moment.

[30:21] Exactly.

[30:22] And it's punctuated by...

[30:23] That's what's called the G-spot.

[30:25] It's very hard to find.

[30:26] That's how you find it.

[30:29] And it ends in a sword fight with Kit Harington, girl spy, and Keith Orr Sutherland, who knows?

[30:38] And Atticus has his sword fight with Anthony Wiener, and everyone's swallowed up.

[30:43] Well, those are swallowed up by ash.

[30:45] Keith or Sutherland gets chained to a wall, and Kit Harington and Emily Browning escape

[30:51] on a horse.

[30:52] Keith or Sutherland is destroyed, covered in hot, fiery ash.

[30:57] And they get to the outskirts of town, and I guess just get off the horse, and Kit Harington...

[31:01] No, the horse...

[31:02] The horse bucks and rears.

[31:03] Oh, right.

[31:04] There's a fireball almost kills them.

[31:05] Well, you're slowing me down, dudes!

[31:06] I wish...

[31:07] No, I just wish it was a wisecracking horse, like in Racing Stripes, or Hot to Trot.

[31:13] Or a dolgo?

[31:14] Is it...

[31:15] No, a dolgo, the horse does not talk.

[31:17] Okay, I haven't seen it yet.

[31:18] Seabiscuit?

[31:19] Sure.

[31:20] No, again, no talking horses in that.

[31:21] It's the same Seabiscuit.

[31:22] It's like, I see a biscuit, I eat it.

[31:23] It's me, Seabiscuit.

[31:24] That's how he got the name.

[31:25] That makes sense.

[31:26] See you later.

[31:27] Gotta run this race now.

[31:28] Seabiscuit.

[31:29] Seabiscuit out.

[31:30] Getting kinda tired of how he keeps making it in the third person.

[31:31] It's me.

[31:32] I don't think the Oscar chances for this movie are holding up.

[31:33] It's me, the most popular racing horse of the Depression, Seabiscuit.

[31:37] Biscuit.

[31:38] Seabiscuit.

[31:39] Seabiscuit.

[31:40] Seabiscuit.

[31:41] Seabiscuit.

[31:42] Seabiscuit.

[31:43] Seabiscuit.

[31:44] Seabiscuit.

[31:45] Seabiscuit.

[31:46] Seabiscuit.

[31:47] Seabiscuit.

[31:48] Seabiscuit.

[31:49] Seabiscuit.

[31:51] Biscuit.

[31:52] It's my new character.

[31:53] But anyway, Kit Harington, they fall off.

[31:58] Kit Harington says, Cassia, you ride this horse.

[32:00] It's not fast enough to carry us both.

[32:01] And she goes.

[32:02] And you're thinking, oh, they're gonna Titanic us.

[32:04] They're gonna pull a Titanic and she's gonna survive.

[32:06] And 100 years later, she's gonna throw a necklace into Mount Vesuvius.

[32:11] As an old lady, she's gonna take her daughter to Mount Vesuvius and throw a necklace in

[32:15] and go, oh.

[32:16] And she does it.

[32:18] But no, she smacks the horse in the butt as if to say, run away, I'm sexually harassing

[32:22] you.

[32:23] And the horse does.

[32:24] And she says, I don't want to live without you or something.

[32:26] And she keeps looking at the eruption and he says, no, look at me.

[32:31] Look only at me.

[32:32] And they kiss and are covered in ash and are forever immortalized as lovers in mid-kiss.

[32:36] They turn into ash people.

[32:38] As they become a living statue that is dead.

[32:41] That's shot in like QVC fashion right before the credits roll.

[32:44] Yeah, there's like a rotating camera around it.

[32:47] This beautiful ash statue can be yours.

[32:51] These Pompeii moments.

[32:53] These ash covered corpses can be yours for only $499.99.

[32:57] You know what?

[32:58] If you call in the next 10 minutes, $7.

[33:01] We're gonna cut over $300 off this price.

[33:03] Wow, only $7.

[33:04] And nobody was buying it.

[33:05] Okay.

[33:06] And speaking of not buying it.

[33:07] Well, shipping is $49.99.

[33:08] Oh, wow.

[33:09] What a rip.

[33:10] Shipping is $700,000.

[33:11] You can either buy shipping for that or you can buy a screenplay for me.

[33:17] Either way, your choice, Hollywood.

[33:20] So and that's the end of the movie.

[33:23] Yeah.

[33:24] So like it's like a pretty boring rote movie and then there's two scenes I would say that

[33:29] are like just crazy enough to work.

[33:31] Yeah.

[33:32] I feel like we should go to final judgments now.

[33:34] I was kind of segwaying into it.

[33:35] Whether it's a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked.

[33:40] Elliot, you're already saying stuff about it.

[33:42] So why don't you continue saying the thing that you were saying.

[33:44] It's like 90% bad, bad.

[33:47] No, 93% bad, bad, 7% good, bad.

[33:51] Yeah, I'm gonna go.

[33:55] There's such potential at the end for this to have been a crazy bonkers movie and they

[33:59] just they're putting it off as long as it, you know what it feels like?

[34:02] It feels like Dr. Jekyll for almost two hours struggling not to let loose Mr. Hyde and the

[34:07] last 15 minutes he's like, fuck it, I'll just let Mr. Hyde out.

[34:11] And everyone's like, yeah, this is what we wanted to see.

[34:12] This is what Larry keeps coming around for.

[34:15] That's why Larry's totally into you.

[34:17] Well, not you, but Hyde.

[34:20] But you're Hyde.

[34:21] So I guess he's into you.

[34:23] Yeah, I didn't like the first two thirds of this movie.

[34:26] I was so bored by them.

[34:28] The last third, I would go so far as to say I kind of liked it.

[34:33] It got super hammy, which helps too.

[34:35] It was kind of fun and exciting at the end.

[34:38] You know, I'll give a good review to going to see the actual Pompeii.

[34:43] That's when I was in Italy.

[34:45] Very interesting.

[34:46] I'd like to see it.

[34:47] I've never been there.

[34:48] It's fascinating.

[34:49] Do you feel bad being a tourist in someone else's misfortune?

[34:50] I mean, it's so far ago now.

[34:53] Does that make them not human beings?

[34:55] I mean, has the statute of limitations on compassion run out?

[34:58] Do you feel that way when you go see a mummy in the fucking museum?

[35:02] The mummy was an aristocrat who enslaved others.

[35:05] I've got no mercy for him.

[35:06] Yeah.

[35:07] No, but it is fascinating.

[35:08] Also, they're super scary.

[35:11] And I stole all his gold, and I don't want him to come after me.

[35:14] It's a whole city preserved in time.

[35:16] When I'm looking at a mummy in a museum, I'm throwing a shitload of holy water on him so

[35:19] he doesn't get up and strangle me.

[35:21] Sure, turn him into a bunch of scarabs or something.

[35:24] So it's a holy city.

[35:26] No, it's an amazing, it's a whole city preserved in time.

[35:29] It's a city full of holes.

[35:30] And the steel is chanoptic jars.

[35:31] Look at that.

[35:32] It's worth it.

[35:35] And now you've got his car, and he wants it back.

[35:37] Save up the money you would have spent on seeing Pompeii, and then add several thousand

[35:41] dollars to it.

[35:42] Throw it in change into your travel jar.

[35:45] And when there's enough there to go to Pompeii, go see it.

[35:48] Just don't go when Vesuvius is erupting, because you'll turn into an Ashman.

[35:51] Bad news.

[35:52] Ashman Crothers.

[35:53] What do you have to say?

[35:55] I'm an Ashman.

[35:56] You guys all know that about me.

[35:59] Dan's and other people's wives' ashes, man.

[36:01] Yeah.

[36:02] Yeah, I'm going to say this is a bad, bad movie.

[36:04] I wasn't quite as charmed by the hammy moments, and I was hoping for more, obviously.

[36:09] There was that great shot where Kit Harington is about to deface the Roman eagle, and it

[36:15] cuts like a quick-cut zoom on Kiefer Sutherland's face, and he's like, he's not going to.

[36:22] But other than that, no, it was garbage.

[36:23] Yeah.

[36:24] Right.

[36:25] Hey, everybody.

[36:26] I'm Emily.

[36:27] And I'm Lisa.

[36:28] We co-host Baby Geniuses every other Monday on Maximum Fun.

[36:31] We interview comedians, musicians, cartoonists, circus clowns, and experts in the field of

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[37:03] butterflies, raccoons, pastiches, and Bob Dylan.

[37:05] Join us every other Monday!

[37:06] Yay!

[37:07] I listened to Bullseye for the moment when Jesse asks an artist an insightful question,

[37:16] and the artist goes, oh, huh, and pauses.

[37:22] You can hear in the pause that he is reassessing his own work in light of the question that

[37:28] Jesse just asked.

[37:29] Bullseye's your guide to what's good, from MaximumFun.org and NPR.

[37:39] Before we move on to letters, a few quick announcements, as is often the case.

[37:45] On December the 13th, as I mentioned before, I will be appearing at the Slate Movie Party

[37:53] in Videology in Williamsburg.

[37:56] That's at 6.30.

[37:59] There will be information about that up, I hope, soon on the Flophouse website.

[38:05] Details are sketchy.

[38:06] You said, I hope, soon, as if anyone other than you is going to be putting that up.

[38:10] No, I just meant...

[38:11] If we can get our tech guy, Jasper, on it.

[38:14] I just meant that I hope, for the benefit of our audience,

[38:17] that that information will be available to them soon.

[38:19] So, yeah, put it up there, dude.

[38:20] I'm waiting on Slate to give me the final deets, as the kids say.

[38:26] He was trying to avoid talking shit about Slate.

[38:29] Yeah, I see.

[38:30] He's been invited to this party.

[38:32] But, yeah, come see that.

[38:33] If honesty is your policy, you didn't have to worry about that kind of thing.

[38:36] Dana Stevens of Film Creative Slate will be the host and will have other guests.

[38:42] But if you want to see all of the Flophouse crew, you'll have to wait...

[38:45] And why wouldn't you? We're good looking.

[38:47] ...until January 9th.

[38:49] January 9th.

[38:50] January 9th. Why do you say that like it was a question?

[38:52] At the Bell House.

[38:53] Dan, if you write this stuff down and read it, then it's easier to remember.

[38:57] But January 9th, 10 p.m., the Bell House, Brooklyn.

[39:01] All three floppers for the first ever live Flophouse episode recording.

[39:08] Featuring you, the listener, in the audience.

[39:11] If you've got an irritating laugh, you'll know you're there.

[39:14] You'll totally buy a ticket and show up.

[39:16] And then when you go...

[39:18] And you hear it on the podcast, you'll know you were there.

[39:22] But, yeah, that's going to be...

[39:24] Buy your tickets online now because, one, they're cheaper if you buy them ahead of time.

[39:27] And, two, they are selling out fast.

[39:29] They're selling pretty quick.

[39:30] They're selling at a good clip.

[39:32] So if you want to go and you're on the fence, buy a ticket and go.

[39:35] I overheard.

[39:36] I was literally sitting behind the organizer of this podfest at an event that Elliot and I got to see.

[39:46] John Hodgman interviewing John Cleese.

[39:49] And I overheard him talking about how...

[39:52] Now, you said that as if we went together.

[39:54] You were sitting behind him.

[39:55] I was sitting way in the back.

[39:56] Well, neither of you guys told me about it.

[40:00] I had to leave work later. I as a lowly writer got to leave work earlier than the head writer, so I got better seats.

[40:07] But I was sitting behind this gentleman. He was like, Dan, I need your input on the script.

[40:10] Dan? Dan died five years ago.

[40:14] Dan McCoy? He died 80 years ago.

[40:18] Some say they can still hear him sighing in the night.

[40:22] Is that the creaking of the trees or the creaking of his knees?

[40:27] Women still say they can feel his spectral hand on their buttocks.

[40:31] And they do not appreciate it. Spectral hand.

[40:35] I overheard a man... His special hand. Not the other one, the boring one.

[40:39] The special one. The tingly one.

[40:42] I overheard a man who did not know that I was sitting behind him and was one of the co-hosts of the show.

[40:47] Didn't know he was sitting in front of Kit Harington, Girl Spy.

[40:51] He was talking about how well these tickets to the Flap House show were selling.

[40:57] I believe he compared them to a certain type of cake of the heated variety.

[41:01] So get on that, guys, if you're interested.

[41:05] January 9th, 10 p.m., Friday, Flap House Live, Bell House, New York Podfest.

[41:11] Buy your tickets now. And I think we have another thing to plug, don't we?

[41:15] Yeah, in December, for Flap House fans who like to read stuff, I know there's a few out there,

[41:21] Dynamite Comics is putting out the Flash Gordon Holiday Special featuring three short stories written by the three of us.

[41:31] One for each of us.

[41:32] It's an all Flap House written holiday special.

[41:35] And now these are not Flap House stories, these are Flash Gordon stories.

[41:38] These are Flash Gordon stories.

[41:39] Yeah, savior of the universe.

[41:41] He'll save every one of us, yep.

[41:44] And yeah, it's coming out in December, I think early December, but I'm not totally sure.

[41:49] I don't know the exact date, but preorder it through your comic book store or tell them to reserve a copy for you and they'll hold it.

[41:54] If you Google Flash Gordon Holiday and our names, you can find a site that will allow you to preorder it on the Internet.

[42:02] And if you Google Flash Gordon Dan McCoy, you'll find some video that's horrifying and you shouldn't watch it.

[42:07] No, I think you should watch it.

[42:10] That's what I like.

[42:13] So the Flash Gordon Holiday Special, and just for me, if you want to read something written by just one flopper, December also sees the release of the first issue of Spider-Man and the X-Men, number one, written by me, coming from Marvel Comics.

[42:24] Elliot Kalin, taking over comics.

[42:26] Taking over comics, two books at a time.

[42:29] But now, it's the moment you've all been waiting for.

[42:33] What moment's that, Dan?

[42:34] Letters from listeners.

[42:36] That's you guys, the listeners.

[42:38] You're the listeners.

[42:39] We're the guys who read the letters from you, the listeners.

[42:44] Listeners are you, and we are the hosts.

[42:47] Let's just get this straight.

[42:48] You're too big for your britches, listeners.

[42:51] You write us letters.

[42:53] You think we have to read them.

[42:55] Well, we don't.

[42:56] So you sit down.

[42:57] You sit down, sir.

[42:58] Sir?

[42:59] Sir?

[43:00] Sir?

[43:01] Do I have to call security?

[43:02] Sir?

[43:03] Sit down, sir.

[43:04] Sir?

[43:05] There's a show going on.

[43:06] Sir?

[43:07] Excuse me.

[43:08] Excuse me, sir.

[43:09] Excuse me, sir.

[43:10] That kind of language is uncalled for.

[43:13] Sir?

[43:15] Sir?

[43:16] Sir.

[43:17] We do not have to serve you, sir.

[43:20] Sir?

[43:21] Sir.

[43:22] You are getting loud, and the performers don't appreciate it, and I don't appreciate it.

[43:27] You and your date are going to have to leave.

[43:29] I'm sorry, sir.

[43:30] Sir, security, can we remove these, please?

[43:32] Please?

[43:33] From you, the listeners, today.

[43:35] Was that the security?

[43:36] I thought you said scaredy.

[43:38] Is that the security guy?

[43:40] Old scaredy.

[43:41] We call him scaredy.

[43:42] It's ironic, because he's not scared of anything.

[43:44] So this first letter is titled, you're never going to believe this, guys.

[43:47] Parentheses, it's about the hat.

[43:49] And it goes like this.

[43:51] Wait, hold on a second.

[43:52] Is this the guy who lost his hat?

[43:53] Yeah.

[43:54] The hat's gone again.

[43:55] How did you lose him again?

[43:57] No, I'm not joking.

[43:59] Lock that hat up.

[44:00] And I'm not baiting you to get it on the podcast again.

[44:02] The hat is seriously gone.

[44:03] First they shrink the kids, blow up the kids.

[44:05] What the fuck, man?

[44:06] They blow up themselves.

[44:08] No, they shrink themselves.

[44:10] What?

[44:11] That was the movie about terrorists.

[44:13] Honey, I blew up myself.

[44:14] Boom.

[44:15] That was like a Jeff Dunham level joke.

[44:18] So for listeners who are just coming into this ongoing saga,

[44:22] a guy wrote in who had lost his hat.

[44:24] He wrote in later to say he had found his hat.

[44:26] Apparently he lost it again.

[44:28] He says, I didn't wear it in winter because it's a baseball cap.

[44:31] And I have winter cats that are warmer than a baseball cap,

[44:34] so I wore those hats instead.

[44:36] Not at the same time, mind you.

[44:37] I'd pick one winter hat and then wear that in winter.

[44:39] Sir, I'm revoking your license to wear hats.

[44:42] I'm taking away your 00 hat status.

[44:44] Well, keep writing.

[44:45] But I don't think the hat is missing.

[44:47] I think the hat has been stolen.

[44:48] I've narrowed down my list of suspects from the initial 32 to 16,

[44:52] so I'm making progress.

[44:54] Top of my list is my neighbor Howie.

[44:56] He's really old, and I think he's in kidney stones for like a year and a half,

[44:59] which is not good for you.

[45:01] So I hope he gets out soon, unless he took my hat,

[45:03] in which case I hope that thing balloons to the size of a pumpkin

[45:06] and his wife has to roll him around on a wheelbarrow.

[45:08] I've invented a new device called a wheelbarrow.

[45:11] It's a replacement for car tires made basically of an empty barrel.

[45:15] They break super easily and mostly just destroy cars' undercarriages.

[45:19] In any case, here's a photo of me wearing the hat

[45:21] when I was in Boston a long time ago.

[45:23] Describe it, Dan.

[45:24] No, I don't have to.

[45:26] I'm going to show it to you.

[45:27] No, describe it to the listeners, Dan.

[45:29] They can't see it when you hold up a picture of me.

[45:31] It seems to be a typical cap of the baseball style.

[45:36] It doesn't appear to be an actual.

[45:39] It doesn't seem to be promoting any baseball.

[45:42] It's hard to tell if there's a logo on there or not.

[45:45] The angle is very bad.

[45:46] The person wearing it has at least one eye.

[45:48] It looks a little floppier than a normal baseball cap,

[45:51] like a softer type of fabric maybe.

[45:53] I don't think that's the case.

[45:54] I think it's just been bent over time.

[45:56] Now look.

[45:57] It's been well-loved.

[45:58] He mentions that he was wearing the hat in Boston a long time ago,

[46:00] so Bostonians, you'll recognize this hat.

[46:03] You'll have the scent, so I guess go sniff it out.

[46:06] See which one of the 16 Ronin took it.

[46:09] This is a baseball cap.

[46:11] Write in.

[46:12] Let us know.

[46:13] We're going to get to the bottom of this.

[46:15] No, we won't.

[46:17] Together, you and us, you and we.

[46:20] You're on the flop hats.

[46:21] All of us are going to solve this.

[46:23] You and me and everyone we know is going to find this hat.

[46:27] That's what that movie's about, right?

[46:28] Yeah.

[46:30] So thank you for writing in.

[46:32] Nope.

[46:33] Next letter is titled Foggy Friday.

[46:39] Slightly soggy Saturday?

[46:41] Wet Wednesday?

[46:42] Too cool for a tube top Tuesday?

[46:44] Yes, you're correct, Elliot.

[46:46] This is an email about Misty Monday.

[46:48] I don't know why.

[46:49] I feel like Dan, I mean, we all are familiar with her work,

[46:52] but I feel like Dan's the only one who has been in contact with her in some way.

[46:56] Maybe the writer of the letter is negging Dan to make Dan feel bad.

[46:59] Oh, in that case, mission accomplished.

[47:01] Look at him.

[47:02] He's crying in his boots.

[47:03] Crying in his boots.

[47:05] Collects the tears.

[47:08] And then Lulu comes up over and sniffs him like she had Hal his boots that one time.

[47:13] I recently started listening to your back catalog.

[47:18] That's weird.

[47:19] And I do a headphone double take every time you mention Misty Monday.

[47:22] Prepare to be jealous, boys,

[47:24] because I've had one of the greatest conversations of my life with the aforementioned starlet.

[47:28] Before I get into this conversation.

[47:29] You put the tarp over here?

[47:33] Yes, these are the most absorbent tarps that we have, ma'am.

[47:39] How many women did you say would be on this tarp?

[47:41] Six?

[47:42] You're pushing the maximum load.

[47:44] I just clean it off with bleach.

[47:45] It's simple.

[47:46] Just pour a load of bleach.

[47:48] Don't worry about mixing water with it.

[47:50] Take it in your backyard and spray it down with a hose.

[47:52] Now, I thought you were saying this.

[47:54] Take it in the back and spray it down.

[47:58] Now, I thought you were saying this softcore pornographic film of yours took place in some kind of Middle Earth setting.

[48:03] Do you worry about how you're going to explain the tarp?

[48:06] No.

[48:07] Okay.

[48:08] No?

[48:09] All right.

[48:10] Well, that's the best one we got.

[48:11] It's a tarp master.

[48:12] Let's see what the warranty says.

[48:14] More than four lesbians at once kind of voids the warranty.

[48:17] I hope you're okay with that.

[48:18] I mean it's not an expensive tarp, but you would be able to return it if it was only three lesbians that broke it.

[48:23] One of the ring race is going to have to not be on the tarp.

[48:26] Well, anyway, this conversation.

[48:29] Before I get into the conversation, let me back up a bit.

[48:33] My boring day job consists of sculpting action figures for video games and comic book movies, et cetera.

[48:38] That doesn't sound boring at all.

[48:39] Every once in a while.

[48:40] Is this Randy Bowen who wrote it?

[48:42] One of my coworkers does some sculpting for a science fiction or horror film, and I think, hey, that sounds like fun.

[48:47] Maybe I can do that someday.

[48:49] Well, that day came a few years ago.

[48:51] I got a call that a B horror film needed a bunch of classical nude male sculptures, preferably muscular and in slightly homoerotic poses.

[49:00] I had about five sculptures fitting that description ready to go.

[49:03] When I dropped off the sculptures on set, I got invited to be an extra in a few scenes.

[49:17] While waiting around for a scene, I started talking to Misty Monday.

[49:20] Now, at this point, I had no idea who Misty Monday was or the nature of her oeuvre.

[49:24] All I knew is she's a cute girl, and this was a splatter flick.

[49:27] This was our entire conversation.

[49:29] Me.

[49:30] So are you going to get killed in this scene?

[49:32] Misty.

[49:33] No, but I do get a death scene.

[49:34] We're filming it in a few days.

[49:36] Me.

[49:37] Nice.

[49:38] How do you check out?

[49:39] Misty.

[49:40] I get stabbed in the pussy.

[49:42] Me.

[49:43] Silence.

[49:45] At that point, I started to realize what kind of movie this was going to be.

[49:47] And then she went, show business.

[49:49] In case you're wondering, it does contain ding-dong ripping incest and a plethora of real New Jersey bodybuilders.

[49:55] The name of this movie?

[49:56] Sculpture.

[49:57] Alex Lastname with Hell.

[49:58] I don't know that movie.

[50:00] I'm really only familiar with her seduction cinema work.

[50:02] Yeah.

[50:03] Well, check it out, though.

[50:04] It sounds like a pretty good recommendation.

[50:05] Yeah, sure.

[50:06] It's got ding-dong rip-offs.

[50:07] Yeah.

[50:08] Homoerotic sculptures?

[50:09] Everything you want in a movie.

[50:10] Yeah, I mean, that's what I mainly look for in my movies.

[50:14] King Kong?

[50:15] No thanks.

[50:16] No homoerotic sculpture in this.

[50:19] But a real rush with greatness.

[50:22] Thanks for letting us know.

[50:23] Real Hollywood tales here on The Flop House.

[50:26] True Hollywood stories.

[50:28] So I guess if Misty Monday is listening, tell us if that story actually happened.

[50:32] We need cooperation.

[50:33] Or just come visit.

[50:34] Be on the show.

[50:35] No.

[50:36] Yeah, sure.

[50:37] I guess, yeah.

[50:38] Aaron Brown.

[50:39] Talk to us.

[50:40] Is this an official invitation?

[50:41] Yeah.

[50:42] No, this is official.

[50:43] If anyone knows...

[50:44] Wait, we can just start inviting people to be on the show?

[50:45] If anyone knows Aaron Brown...

[50:46] I mean, I guess so.

[50:47] ...tell her to come.

[50:48] Tell her about the podcast.

[50:49] I'm gonna start working on...

[50:50] Who knows?

[50:51] Mads Mikkelsen.

[50:52] Invite him on, sure.

[50:53] Whoa, no kidding?

[50:54] Yeah.

[50:55] Ask him to come on, Dan.

[50:56] Both of them at the same time.

[50:57] Mads about Misty Monday.

[50:58] And Misty Monday.

[50:59] Nay, Aaron Brown.

[51:00] What about Udo Keir?

[51:01] Udo Keir, if you're listening, come on the show.

[51:02] Yeah, I mean, he's got some free time, I guess.

[51:03] David Byrne?

[51:04] David Byrne, come on.

[51:05] David Byrne, come on the show.

[51:06] All of our heroes.

[51:07] Wait, you didn't say Gabriel Byrne, because I don't want him to come on the show.

[51:08] No, no, no, no.

[51:09] No, no, no.

[51:10] No Gabriel Byrne.

[51:11] He's probably got some stories about Miller's Crossing, but they're probably...

[51:12] And Cool World.

[51:13] ...he probably tells them very bluntly.

[51:14] I only want to ask him about Cool World.

[51:15] Was it cool to make Cool World?

[51:16] What was it like to have sex with a cartoon?

[51:18] Where did your penis go when you had sex with a cartoon?

[51:34] What happened?

[51:35] I mean, Misty Monday could probably answer that too.

[51:38] So this last letter is from PJ Last Name Withheld.

[51:46] Funnybunny.

[51:47] It's titled, Recasting Gary Oldman's Dick.

[51:53] I am growing increasingly concerned about the Flophouse's ongoing obsession with Gary

[51:57] Oldman's shriveled, unimpressive penis.

[51:59] We mentioned it like once.

[52:01] Far be it from me to claim you doth protest too much, but you have to be so negative?

[52:05] If Gary Oldman's penis had such a harmful impact on the Scarlet Letter, why not provide

[52:09] some constructive criticism?

[52:12] As you'll recall, Stuart has already spoken admiringly about Michael Fassbender's penis.

[52:18] Ellie would probably enjoy seeing Sly Stallone returning to his early pornographic roles,

[52:24] and Dan is a humble folk.

[52:26] But what celebrity fouls could have saved this movie?

[52:29] Obviously, the Castle Freak is out.

[52:31] Maybe the world would like to see Vincent Gallo's penis, obscured by Chloe Sevigny,

[52:36] a massive prosthesis.

[52:37] Is that how you pronounce that?

[52:39] A massive prosthesis, I love Boogie Nights.

[52:42] Regardless, I see a real business opportunity for the Flophouse in opening a male nudity

[52:46] version of Mr. Skin.

[52:48] I think it already exists, but this is off the top of my head.

[52:52] But you could call it Mr. Foreskin, and the logo would just be the Flophouse logo, but

[52:56] you'd all be wearing turtlenecks.

[52:58] My main concern is that the site would break up the gang, as Ding Dong Gate would finally

[53:02] tear you apart, debating whether or not to include the Castle Freak.

[53:06] If you go forward with it, I demand $700,000 in repayment for providing the idea.

[53:10] That's a good amount of money.

[53:13] Funny bunny.

[53:15] I'm on record as being a Gary Oldman apologist.

[53:19] Specifically for his penis?

[53:21] Specifically for his penis.

[53:23] What record is this?

[53:24] He was saying that because it's in a cold lake.

[53:26] Is that a gold record that they put on the satellite and sent into space?

[53:29] He's jumping around on a cold lake.

[53:31] You cannot judge a man's penis by...

[53:33] You don't have to use a cold lake.

[53:35] I mean, but it's still flaccid.

[53:37] It's just a cold lake scene.

[53:39] I've seen impressive flaccid penises in movies.

[53:41] Yeah, but a flaccid penis gives no...

[53:43] You can't judge a man's penis by a flaccid penis.

[53:45] And in my own life, every time I look in the mirror.

[53:47] Sure.

[53:48] So you're saying that Gary...

[53:49] So Dan is on the record saying Gary Oldman is a grower, not a shower.

[53:52] Exactly.

[53:53] Look, Gary Oldman's penis is fine.

[53:55] I'm just saying it's not the kind of penis that would drive a Puritan woman to...

[53:59] Mad lust.

[54:00] Mad desire.

[54:01] Yeah.

[54:02] To masturbate in the bath while a comely serving lady looks on.

[54:06] Looks on puckishly.

[54:08] Was there like a magic butterfly or something?

[54:11] Am I remembering that correctly?

[54:12] Like a magic bird?

[54:13] Yeah, it was a bird or something.

[54:15] Yes.

[54:16] Like representing sex, I guess.

[54:18] The red bird of sex.

[54:20] The red bird of sex.

[54:21] The blue bird of unhappinesses.

[54:23] Much more popular sister.

[54:26] Yeah.

[54:28] So, but recasting Gary Oldman's penis...

[54:32] I mean, just take a plaster cast of it so we have it for history.

[54:36] Maybe we could recast it with like the weasel from Food Fight.

[54:41] Kind of look like a penis.

[54:42] What about...

[54:43] Yep, one of the shy halude from Dune.

[54:45] What about like a lowly worm from the Richard Scarry books?

[54:47] Yeah.

[54:48] Yeah.

[54:49] Got a lot of personality.

[54:52] Wears a little hat with a feather in it.

[54:54] Now if Demi Moore...

[54:55] That's a cute penis.

[54:56] If I ran through the forest and saw Gary Oldman and his penis had a little hat with a feather on it,

[55:00] she would have to run to that bathtub to masturbate.

[55:03] Or else she's just doing it in the woods right there.

[55:05] Yep.

[55:06] Or maybe we could go down to an Aztec temple and summon Quetzalcoatl.

[55:09] Ah, the winged serpent, huh?

[55:11] And videotape it and then stick that in the movie.

[55:13] Yeah.

[55:14] So I hope that answers your question.

[55:16] Yep.

[55:17] And now...

[55:18] You know what?

[55:19] Beaker.

[55:20] Yeah.

[55:21] Just stuff Beaker on him.

[55:22] And so his penis is going...

[55:25] Very selfish penis.

[55:27] All he cares about is me.

[55:29] What about her needs?

[55:30] Oof.

[55:31] Oof.

[55:33] Dan, did you just kick me in the gut with your words?

[55:37] Oh, I gotta...

[55:38] Oh, boy.

[55:39] I gotta sit the rest of this episode out.

[55:41] You know, nothing makes me happier...

[55:43] The one thing that makes me happier than a laugh from Elliot is the sound of moans of pain.

[55:50] Anything that makes you drive Elliot away from comedy in its entirety.

[55:54] It's a good thing I already had a child because I don't think I can have one anymore after that joke.

[55:58] So this is the last segment of the show.

[56:01] It's where we recommend movies that we actually liked rather than Pompeii.

[56:05] I'm going to go first because I think this is going to be a controversial recommendation.

[56:09] Pompeii.

[56:10] Don't miss Pete.

[56:11] I'm going to recommend a movie that I don't necessarily think is a particularly good movie,

[56:17] but it's one that I've had a lot of fun watching.

[56:20] It's called Cool World.

[56:22] Whenever I come across this movie on television, I usually stop, watch it for a while.

[56:29] Thank you, baby.

[56:30] Open up shop.

[56:31] Open up shop, you said?

[56:33] Yeah, DMX.

[56:34] Oh, I don't know that one.

[56:35] It's a movie about...

[56:36] Is that a bike?

[56:37] DMX bandits?

[56:39] Yeah.

[56:40] It's another movie about a volcano erupting in a highly populated city, and it's called Volcano.

[56:47] All right, basic title.

[56:48] Tommy Lee Jones.

[56:49] Thomas Leaworth Jones.

[56:51] Haysh.

[56:52] And Annette Haysh.

[56:53] It was at the height of her popularity, right?

[56:56] Was she the former Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres then or not yet?

[57:01] This was either pre or during Ellen DeGeneres.

[57:04] This was not post her relationship with Ms. DeGeneres.

[57:10] It's a silly disaster movie, but it builds nicely.

[57:16] The ridiculousness of it is all fun.

[57:20] I enjoy the fact that they use concrete barricades to make lava flow down to the ocean.

[57:28] That's their big plan.

[57:29] Tommy Lee Jones' barking out orders is L.A.'s disaster preparedness.

[57:34] I want you to search every hen house, dog house, cat house for this volcano.

[57:37] I just remembered a lot of it took place in a subway tunnel, and then some dude got all melted by that.

[57:42] Yeah.

[57:43] It's got fun volcano effects.

[57:48] Yeah, man.

[57:49] Sound mixing and shit.

[57:50] Hey, man, if you like it.

[57:51] This is fun, bro.

[57:52] If you like it, go with it.

[57:53] At the end of it, there's a big volcano in the middle of L.A., and they play I Love L.A. over the credits.

[57:58] Yeah.

[57:59] It's fun.

[58:00] No, it's fun.

[58:01] No, yeah, it's a laugh.

[58:02] It's a larf.

[58:03] It's a larf.

[58:04] Check your brain at the door.

[58:05] Yeah.

[58:06] Actually, check your brain at the door, but you'll have a lot more fun watching it than Pompeii.

[58:09] So it's a good, bad movie?

[58:11] You know, it's a movie I kind of like.

[58:13] I know it's bad, but I still enjoy it.

[58:15] Yeah, just pop some Redenbacher's.

[58:17] Yeah.

[58:18] Stick it up your ass.

[58:20] Whoa.

[58:21] Whoa.

[58:22] Whoa, Dan.

[58:23] What is going on?

[58:24] Are you volcano drunk?

[58:27] Yep.

[58:29] I don't know what's happening.

[58:33] Oh, man.

[58:34] Okay, so.

[58:35] I'm not sick anymore, yet somehow it still doesn't make sense.

[58:40] Am I allowed to recommend a movie now?

[58:42] I hope so.

[58:43] Please.

[58:44] Who knows, Dan?

[58:45] Any minute, Dan's going to start sticking things up butts.

[58:47] I'm going to recommend a New Zealand horror comedy that I think should be made available

[58:54] in most streaming services.

[58:55] I think you can rent it in most streaming services now.

[58:58] It's called Housebound.

[59:00] It is an interesting little horror comedy, basically a haunted house story about a young

[59:09] woman who has a criminal background who is sentenced to house arrest in her mother's

[59:16] house.

[59:18] And she realizes that the stories her crazy mother tells about the house being haunted

[59:25] might actually be true.

[59:28] And the interesting things, they do some good stuff with playing with the actual space,

[59:33] like the limitations of being actually under house arrest with an ankle monitor.

[59:38] And the lead is very charming and she's also very capable.

[59:43] But like a lot of horror comedies, after the setup is great and the first two-thirds are

[59:51] a lot of fun and it kind of drags in the final third.

[59:54] It could probably use some editing.

[59:56] But there's also a couple of good scenes of really gory stuff.

[1:00:00] that a couple of qualified recommendations yeah yeah okay well I'm

[1:00:04] gonna give two unqualified recommendations do it the first is a

[1:00:08] movie that I hadn't thought originally about recommending tonight but it's a

[1:00:11] similar type of movie to what we watched it's not based on a real natural

[1:00:14] disaster but it's based on real ish types of things and that's the movie the

[1:00:19] hurricane directed by John Ford this is the 30s the hurricane not the movie the

[1:00:23] hurricane starring Denzel Washington about Hurricane Carter this is a movie

[1:00:27] Bob Dylan so yeah in the drink the song is based on a real person to it no this

[1:00:32] is this is the hurricane with a dreaded by John Ford with John Hall Dorothy

[1:00:38] Lamour and a number of star character actors of Hollywood's yesteryear such as

[1:00:42] C Aubrey Smith Thomas Mitchell Raymond Massey John Carradine it's got a great

[1:00:46] cast no not at all and it's about to to a man and woman who love each other in a

[1:00:56] Polynesian Island the man is goaded by he's a sailor and he's goaded by a

[1:01:02] racist white man in a what it was loaded mean like he gets turned into a goat

[1:01:07] yeah goaded no he's taunted he's goaded and he is taunted into fighting and is

[1:01:14] thrown in jail and he tries to he tries to escape on he tries to escape to get

[1:01:20] back to the woman he loves and each escape tax more time on to his sentence

[1:01:24] and so he's ground down by the system until finally a hurricane is going to

[1:01:27] arrive on his island right when he escapes successfully and the hurricane

[1:01:33] scenes are when they hit are genuinely frightening to me I felt like there's

[1:01:37] every it's this weird thing because it's a movie from 1937 so that you'll see one

[1:01:41] shot that looks super fake and another shot edited a second later in that looks

[1:01:45] very real and is very scary like that looks like these people are in danger

[1:01:49] from this hurricane and so a lot of the effects hold up really well not all of

[1:01:52] them it's a very not you know naive simplistic tale of love between kind of

[1:01:57] what Hollywood's idea of Tahitian villagers would have been at the time

[1:02:02] but it's a really good old-fashioned kind of like pulpy romance adventure

[1:02:07] movie of a type that Pompeii wants to be and doesn't quite pull off so the

[1:02:11] hurricane I'd recommend based on this movie but also I was originally gonna

[1:02:14] recommend a movie I saw recently that I liked called the chant of Jimmy

[1:02:17] Blacksmith which is an Australian movie from the late 70s about that takes

[1:02:22] place at the turn of the 20th century and it's a based on a novel that was

[1:02:27] based on a adapted from a true story about a an Aborigine who was raised by

[1:02:32] white parents and tried to do his best to kind of make something of himself in

[1:02:38] the Australia of the time which was at the time horrifically racist against

[1:02:42] Aborigines now I guess it's just maybe a little bit but uh he is so beaten down

[1:02:47] by the system that he snaps and commits a horrifically violent crime and has to

[1:02:52] go on the run and is being hunted down by the Australian police and army and

[1:02:57] so it it manages to tell like an anti-racism story in a way that doesn't

[1:03:02] feel totally heavy-handed and stupid and dull and there are a lot of very

[1:03:07] affecting scenes in it and the lead guy who I think was not a professional actor

[1:03:11] when he made the movie is really good in it as Jimmy Blacksmith so the hurricane

[1:03:15] for adventure for fans of weather and weather based adventures and the chant

[1:03:20] of Jimmy Blacksmith for the blacksmith preventive I was the weather in that

[1:03:24] it's pretty nice mostly there's a few rainstorms for otherwise for fans of

[1:03:29] older Australian films we did it dudes yeah another sword and sandal movie down

[1:03:37] do can we not watch anyway stop man of all the inexplicably returning trends

[1:03:45] sword and sandals a weird well here here here's a good here's something to keep

[1:03:49] your spirits up I think next episode we'll do the contest winner listener

[1:03:56] choice from our song of the autumn and that choice was gonna say ahead of time

[1:04:03] no let's keep it a surprise for now yeah okay assume it's Ghostbusters and that

[1:04:09] we're gonna have a great time watching it and we'll have no criticisms of it

[1:04:13] we'll just spend an hour talking the criticism will that the only criticism

[1:04:17] will be that Ghostbusters 3 hasn't gotten off and made yet because the

[1:04:21] world is calling out for a third goes save another day song or whatever save

[1:04:25] in the day save the day yes keep another day for the fucking sequel or something

[1:04:30] yeah yeah tomorrow never bust ghost finger such a ghost finger a spider's

[1:04:45] ghost it's ghost finger octobusty already dr. ghost yeah you only live

[1:04:58] twice if one of the times you count is when you're a ghost so I guess that's

[1:05:03] the end of the podcast we keep going with these I don't think we can't go

[1:05:08] see bus lights that we've been making for the podcast called the flophouse

[1:05:14] I've been Dan McCoy yeah I'm also on the flophouse and my calling is Stuart

[1:05:18] well you're calling really is an application and I'm on the flophouse to

[1:05:26] through some bizarre blessing bestowed upon me by a merciful God and my name is

[1:05:31] Elliot Kaelin good night everyone see you later see biscuit Dan which

[1:05:46] centibite would you not want you to check the check you pop up I'm not mind

[1:05:52] jacking off no no no we have to jack off a centibite now it's Dan you totally

[1:06:01] misunderstood who was doing the jacking although so Dan answer the question

[1:06:11] that's gonna that's gonna put new meaning to the term I don't yank in my

[1:06:15] chain because they have chains for the night breeds there's a moon face yeah

[1:06:23] and my breeds all dudes jacking each other up can't say lady smurf vanity

[1:06:35] smurf is off the table with the other ones book smurf cook smurf you hook up

[1:06:50] with brainy smurf look it's like revenge of the nerds taught us think

[1:06:56] about pop a smurf because he's been around the block he knows a few tricks

[1:07:00] yeah I was gonna do is a real bear and if you blur your eyes is a beard makes

[1:07:08] his face look like a vagina I don't think so I'm gonna call no on that I'd

[1:07:15] think is there a baker smurf I think the one that would have food in his

[1:07:21] apartment after we're done you know to replenish my energy yeah you lose a lot

[1:07:31] of electrolytes it's orange I'm gonna get those shark tank dudes on the line

[1:07:45] sports birds a great idea it's purple sports bread now here's the thing it's

[1:07:50] hard to have sex with a smurf because their dirty talk is so

[1:07:53] incomprehensible like oh yeah smurf my smurf smurf ear smurf ear smurf it

[1:08:01] smurf difficult so yeah that would be that would be an obstacle for you to

[1:08:06] overcome yeah of course because communication is the bedrock of sex and

[1:08:10] the brain is the biggest erogenous not if you have a 40-pound penis

Episode #166 - Pompeii

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