Episode #167 - From Justin to Kelly

[0:00] On this episode, we watched From Justin to Kelly.

[0:04] Are you sure we didn't accidentally steal a letter from someone's mail?

[0:07] From Kelly, Massachusetts to Justin, Massachusetts.

[0:11] I don't understand.

[0:13] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:42] Hey guys, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] Hey dudes, I'm Elliot Kalin and I have a little bit of a cold, so I apologize if I sound even nasally-er than usual.

[0:50] So normally, we watch a bad movie and we talk about it.

[0:55] Getting right to business, huh?

[0:56] Here at the Flophouse podcast.

[0:58] Here at Flophouse Industries Central.

[1:00] And normally said bad movie, it's a recent film.

[1:03] Last couple years.

[1:05] Yeah, the movie we watch and then talk about.

[1:07] Yeah, the bad movie.

[1:08] It's a bad, I mean...

[1:10] A bad movie?

[1:11] It's a bad movie.

[1:12] Well, there's the movie Bats.

[1:13] That's pretty bad.

[1:14] Sure, that's the one where the name's upside down, right?

[1:17] Yeah, on the poster, because it's a bat.

[1:18] Did that work?

[1:19] Nope.

[1:20] People didn't like it.

[1:22] They thought, best case scenario, they thought it was a movie about Australian bats.

[1:26] Worst case scenario, they thought they were walking on their heads.

[1:33] Walking on their heads?

[1:34] Yeah, yeah.

[1:35] Like that Lionel Richie song.

[1:36] Yeah, yeah.

[1:37] When you're walking on your heads, oh, you might be dead.

[1:45] No, normally we watch a newer...

[1:47] Use your feet instead, if you're walking on your head.

[1:53] A newer bad film.

[1:54] Your face is turning red, from the blood rushing to your head.

[2:01] But in this case...

[2:02] My name's Lionel Richie.

[2:06] He used to say that during his songs.

[2:10] But in this case...

[2:11] What's different about this bad movie we watched?

[2:13] Well, this is a contest episode.

[2:18] The winner of the New Song of the Autumn contest, Jason Michael McIsaac.

[2:25] You did a great job.

[2:26] I expected you to fuck it up.

[2:28] I mean, a professional would have written it down.

[2:31] But Dan McCoy relies on the power of his often incompetent memory.

[2:35] My memory's fine.

[2:36] My tongue is the problem.

[2:38] But anyway...

[2:39] Problem tongue.

[2:40] Sorry.

[2:41] John Ritter and Dan McCoy.

[2:42] He wrote Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow.

[2:44] You've been hearing it blasting out of...

[2:46] Well, he produced it.

[2:47] Every car you see passing by all autumn long.

[2:51] It's right up there with that All About the Bass song.

[2:54] It's what you call an earworm.

[2:56] Oh, like in Star Trek 2?

[2:58] In Star Trek 2.

[3:00] Nice.

[3:01] Dan?

[3:02] But because he won, he is entitled to two things.

[3:05] A T-shirt, which I have not yet gotten to him because it's all sold out online.

[3:11] So make him one.

[3:13] Get a Hanes white tee and write The Flophouse on it.

[3:15] Okay.

[3:16] Sure.

[3:17] Right in.

[3:18] Right in, Jason.

[3:19] Tell us whether that would be acceptable to you.

[3:21] Don't.

[3:22] Don't.

[3:23] No.

[3:24] Don't take the first offer.

[3:25] Go with something better.

[3:26] You get one of those oversized T-shirts of a Looney Tunes character all blinged out,

[3:30] and then sign that The Flophouse.

[3:33] They still make those?

[3:34] Are you his...

[3:35] I don't know.

[3:36] I assume I still see him on the subway.

[3:37] Are you his agent in this transaction?

[3:39] Yeah, I get 10% of the shirt.

[3:42] I get one half of a sleeve.

[3:44] Take the sleeves.

[3:46] He's not going to need a part.

[3:47] Leave the cannoli.

[3:49] Take the sleeves.

[3:51] The other thing was he got to decide what movie we watched.

[3:54] Oh, boy.

[3:55] Now, in the past, what contest winner movies have there been?

[3:57] Teen Witch?

[3:58] Teen Witch, The Scarlet Letter.

[4:00] Baps.

[4:01] Baps.

[4:02] These are all the happiest millionaire.

[4:05] And so this choice, the star is the limit.

[4:08] He could have said, hey, I'll be easy on the flop guys.

[4:11] I'll have them watch Star Wars.

[4:13] He could have said, hey, I'll be hard on the flop guys and have them watch Sallow or The 120 Days of Sodom

[4:18] or Cannibal Holocaust or something.

[4:20] Or Nothing But Trouble or something.

[4:22] Oh, god, I hope never, ever.

[4:24] Instead, he went kind of in the middle.

[4:26] Well, I will say...

[4:27] It's in the middle.

[4:28] It's bad.

[4:29] This is not a perfectly acceptable.

[4:31] I forgot that Star Wars was the upper bound that I had said.

[4:35] I will say this for...

[4:36] This isn't like the king's speech or something.

[4:38] Yeah, no, yeah, like a middle of the road, you know, fine movie.

[4:41] Saw it, enjoyed it, forgot it.

[4:42] Exactly.

[4:43] I will say this for the choice of from Justin to Kelly.

[4:46] It is a trim hour and 22 minutes.

[4:49] Perfect.

[4:50] Unlike The Happiest Millionaire, which was three hours long.

[4:52] Which is a fat three hours.

[4:53] However, this movie seemed to be as long, if not longer, than The Happiest Millionaire.

[4:58] I gotta say, I remember a lot more The Happiest Millionaire, a movie we saw years ago.

[5:02] Yeah, I remember it almost fondly.

[5:04] There's that alligator character, right?

[5:06] There's a ton of alligators.

[5:07] Let's not forget the song about Detroit.

[5:09] The song about Detroit that we got on the show once.

[5:11] Yeah, that's true.

[5:12] And this, Justin to Kelly, we literally watched it 15 minutes ago.

[5:17] And I only have a memory of like vaguely neon bathing suits dancing to poorly mixed songs on a beach somewhere.

[5:24] Those songs are going to be in your memory forever.

[5:27] I can't remember a single one.

[5:29] One of them was a rewritten version of That's The Way I Like It.

[5:31] See, I'm impressed you remembered that because I had forgotten that song.

[5:34] It was the song that ends the movie.

[5:36] I know, I had forgotten it.

[5:38] It's the climactic dance.

[5:39] I wouldn't say it's climactic dance.

[5:42] I wouldn't say that this movie has a climax.

[5:44] This movie has a second act problem in that it has no act structure.

[5:48] There is the barest hint of a first act.

[5:52] And then I guess there's a third act in that it ends at some point.

[5:55] And the second act is more of a loose mishmash of vignettes.

[5:58] There's a couple of like – it's one of these – it's a spring break movie.

[6:02] It's a throwback to the old beach movies where there's like a bunch of characters who have like –

[6:07] Your beach blanket bingos or your How to Stuff a Wild Bikini.

[6:10] Exactly, yeah.

[6:12] That's the name of a movie?

[6:13] How to Stuff a Wild Bikini, yeah.

[6:14] Most certainly it is.

[6:15] Isn't Buster Keaton in that one?

[6:17] Buster Keaton – maybe not that.

[6:18] Buster Keaton is in a bunch of these beach movies.

[6:20] He's in a funny thing that happened on the way to the forum.

[6:22] Not a beach movie.

[6:23] I mean with the flavor of sandals around.

[6:26] Yeah, you're right, Dan.

[6:27] Sandals equals beach.

[6:29] I guess the Bible is the ultimate beach story.

[6:32] Well, look.

[6:33] All I know is that there's a resort called Sandals, so checkmate.

[6:37] I believe it was Jesus Christ who said,

[6:40] Blessed are the surfers, they shall inherit some tubular waves.

[6:44] Dudes?

[6:45] Yeah, blessed are the dudes, for they shall be laid back in spirit.

[6:51] And he managed to feed a thousand people with only a handful of poi

[6:56] and one of those little shell necklaces that always make everyone look like douchebags when they wear them.

[7:02] Very judgy Jesus.

[7:03] Wow.

[7:04] He is the ultimate judge, Dan.

[7:05] That's true.

[7:07] Anyway, but it's a throwback to those movies where there's a group of characters who each have their thing they want to get.

[7:17] Everyone has a clearly desired want in this movie.

[7:20] I mean it's mostly just a date.

[7:23] It's mostly a girl or a guy.

[7:24] It's also one of these movies that is clearly written for young people because there's a lot of talk about,

[7:30] I'm going to get with all these girls.

[7:32] I want your love all night long.

[7:34] But then all they really want is a kiss on the cheek and to dance with each other.

[7:37] Yeah, this is, I mean, as opposed to…

[7:40] A hardcore fucking.

[7:41] I'm familiar with a…

[7:42] Penetration.

[7:43] On screen.

[7:44] Every position.

[7:46] Every orifice.

[7:48] It's called XXX Parody from Justin Ticheli.

[7:53] Sure.

[7:54] Santa's porn titles now are very lame.

[7:58] Change Kelly to Jelly and you're close.

[8:01] That's what you want in a porn title.

[8:05] A condiment? I don't understand.

[8:07] But I will say this.

[8:09] Have you seen Busty Ketchup?

[8:11] Busty Ketchup.

[8:13] It's got condiment in the title.

[8:15] I am familiar with a much different type of spring break movie and this movie…

[8:20] Like the 80s spring break movies.

[8:21] Yeah.

[8:22] I mean they're not that different.

[8:25] This kind of stuff would be a lot of girls taking their tops off.

[8:28] People getting drunk.

[8:29] People getting high.

[8:30] This is the most whitewashed, clean spring break movie.

[8:34] There is a scene where people have…

[8:36] Not a single character dies of a heroin overdose.

[8:38] There's a scene that involves a whipped cream bikini contest.

[8:42] But these might as well be one piece whipped cream bikinis.

[8:46] They might as well be old timey.

[8:48] Yeah, they could have gone to do an old timey two piece gown bathing suit from the Coney Island days.

[8:53] Yeah.

[8:54] These are the most modest whipped cream bikinis you will ever see.

[8:59] You could wear one of these to church.

[9:01] I guess if you don't worry about getting the pew dirty.

[9:04] From Elliot's description of Jesus, I think it would fit.

[9:08] Yeah, he was all about it.

[9:10] Varsity Blues, this is not when it comes to whipped cream bikinis.

[9:14] But yeah, should we go through the thinnest of plots?

[9:17] This gossamer web of dreams that is the plot from Destiny Kelly.

[9:21] Oh yeah, it's a real Midsummer Night's Dream.

[9:23] Oh yeah.

[9:24] Well, hey look.

[9:25] If these dance numbers have offended, think just this.

[9:27] As all is mended.

[9:29] For while you watched here, it was a contractual obligation for everyone involved.

[9:35] That doesn't mean anything as far as I'm concerned.

[9:37] Justin is quite a puckish figure.

[9:39] Yes.

[9:40] Or maybe Greg Siff's character.

[9:42] And Kelly is what, like a Titania or one of the Tinkers?

[9:46] I don't understand.

[9:47] You know, Helena, Hermia.

[9:50] Hermione or Helena Bonham Carter.

[9:52] You got it.

[9:53] So here's the story.

[9:55] Kelly Clarkson is a waitress named Kelly who works in a bar.

[10:00] in texas

[10:01] they share her friends can be a slowdown i think that she wants to sing

[10:06] this is a plot that goes nowhere

[10:08] she has two friends one of whom is a party girl and the others black those

[10:12] their personalities yeah and they convince her to go to spring break with

[10:15] them

[10:16] they go to spring break this movie takes

[10:18] seven minutes to get the spring break it's efficient

[10:20] we have to have

[10:22] it does not waste time in the spring break and it's spring break

[10:25] in fort lauderdale

[10:27] uh... there's three guys justin and his friends ryan was one of the brandon

[10:33] brandon is the uh... the party dude the certified party dude brandon is a party

[10:38] dude who's always making money doing party planning and events and things

[10:41] like that getting into trouble with the law

[10:43] here played by a baby alert cop

[10:47] you don't see lawless type

[10:48] uh... police officer one of your real karen cisco's

[10:51] and uh...

[10:52] here they have another friend his other friend is the only other type of guy

[10:55] a feckless nerd a nerd who is not that smart but doesn't have glasses and zinc

[10:59] on his nose

[11:00] and so here are the things that are like comic types kelly is looking to stay out of

[11:04] trouble

[11:04] her blonde friend is looking to i guess

[11:07] get fucked every which way but loose she's constantly on the hunt for boys

[11:10] and her other friend is just there again

[11:13] her personality that she's black

[11:15] and uh... with the three guys

[11:17] uh... brandon

[11:18] is trying to make money and get with the babes he's some kind of sociopath

[11:24] there's a part where he talks about how he can have no emotional connection with

[11:27] a woman which is the way in which he's bragging about because it means he leaves the babes quick

[11:31] but like he uses them and loses them it helps him in like ia jutsu duels so that he can remain

[11:36] perfectly still and his opponent won't know he's about to strike yeah he's the kendo master who taught him

[11:40] thought of him as a perfect tree

[11:43] how can i strike you when you and the wood are one

[11:47] uh... and

[11:49] and there's a and the nerd who is looking to meet up with his internet

[11:52] girlfriend

[11:53] who she he's gonna be in person for the first time

[11:56] and justin who's there to be there he's just a dude like he is a blank

[12:01] like there's a perfect blank character he's not even quite like the good guy at least at first

[12:07] he's not a bad guy but he's just as interested in like having this whipped cream bikini contest

[12:13] as like the party dude as a business opportunity clearly

[12:16] yeah well and also cuz

[12:18] they didn't really explain the uh... the mechanics of the whipped cream bikini contest they just

[12:23] they could have done the same thing wearing regular bikinis

[12:25] dan okay wait

[12:27] that's cold okay it's a little

[12:30] slippery okay and then uh... what do i do now

[12:34] shake it, shake what the lord gave you

[12:37] like a polaroid picture or like you shouldn't with a baby

[12:40] uh... either one man okay i'm shaking what's supposed to happen

[12:44] well the whipped cream is supposed to fly off yeah

[12:47] uh... it's actually quite secure are you sure this wasn't some sort of fast drying epoxy

[12:52] uh oh gonna have to chip this away after the podcast anyway

[12:57] the guys and the girls keep bumping into each other

[12:59] kelly and justin

[13:00] meet up on the beach and it is instant chemistry as we know

[13:04] because they immediately start singing a song it happens during a song

[13:07] they're all singing a song about being on the beach looking for dates

[13:10] justin and kelly see each other through a crowd they walk towards each other because

[13:14] i think as dan pointed out

[13:15] as we were watching the theme of this movie seems to be people walking through crowds

[13:19] or singing while walking towards the camera

[13:22] and also uh...

[13:23] all of this it's important to say that all the songs in this movie

[13:27] uh... sounds like either they could have been written for this movie or they

[13:30] could have been a pre-existing song

[13:33] that this movie has just used i think there was a lot of nothing distinctive about

[13:36] a lot of what songwriters would call trunk songs in here

[13:39] songs that they had lying around and had not found use for

[13:43] and they threw them into this movie and all the songs are mixed weird so it

[13:45] sounds like a song you'd hear on the radio and not like these two characters

[13:49] are actually singing

[13:50] yet it's hard to make out the lyrics

[13:52] but anyway there's it's love at first sight but uh oh through a series of

[13:56] complications

[13:57] they can't get it together and it's in that first big dance number that we

[14:00] realize that this movie is going to be filled with nothing but very interesting

[14:04] supporting extras let's take a moment to talk about okay this is not a good movie

[14:10] the main characters are bad the extras in this movie are

[14:13] a constant entertainment

[14:14] they are so overly into it

[14:17] like you'll see characters just walking by in the background swinging their arms

[14:20] like no one has ever walked in the history of which is great it's like the

[14:23] director's like

[14:24] well my leads don't know the dance moves that well so i'm gonna put a snake woman

[14:28] in the background with a bandana and have her flex like a crazy person

[14:33] there's a guy who's tap dancing on a table

[14:35] you know what

[14:36] let's just have one of the spectators be dancing as if she's having an epileptic

[14:39] seizure. I've got one word for this movie

[14:42] upstaging. Usually it's bad, but here...

[14:45] it's almost as if like there were two craft services tables

[14:48] one for the stars and one for the extras and the one for the extras was just dosed with acid

[14:52] just all of it acid and coke and just like speed

[14:55] and speaking of craft services the one scene that takes place in the kitchen

[15:00] features a chef taking slices of pizza and putting them on just a plate

[15:05] individual plates right? right next to a giant trough of

[15:09] like apples and bananas in a kitchen

[15:12] i don't understand what this restaurant's focus is. That's why it's failing

[15:16] somebody get Gordon Ramsey in here

[15:17] Stewart as a food services professional

[15:20] yeah I identified that people don't just serve a plate with a slice of pizza from a kitchen

[15:24] at a sit-down restaurant

[15:27] your slice of pepperoni sir

[15:29] welcome to Slicy's, the restaurant that only serves things in slices

[15:33] can I have a coke? sorry we only have slice soda

[15:37] or you could have a slice of coke but try not to cut yourself on the sharp can edge

[15:44] wait so they slice up the soda like shredder would do to prove that he has knives on his hands?

[15:48] yeah they slice it into little sections

[15:50] only the bottom section retains any coke

[15:53] the middle sections are just like cylinders

[15:56] why don't they just freeze it? that would make more sense

[15:59] if you're telling me a knife can cut through a soda can

[16:01] I think you're crazy

[16:03] what kind of wonderful knife could do that?

[16:05] well friend, take a look at this

[16:07] ah ah he's wielding a knife at me

[16:09] bang bang bang bang bang bang bang

[16:11] ow god why?

[16:13] why?

[16:15] Dan you came at me with a knife

[16:17] all I had to protect myself with was this soda can

[16:19] and I know you can slice through that

[16:21] Stuart you saw it

[16:23] you saw the whole thing

[16:25] I was too busy buying these knives

[16:27] bang bang bang

[16:29] now I'm dying

[16:31] help me mom I'm cold

[16:33] here's a blanket dear

[16:37] mom I was dying

[16:39] a little taste of flop house theater

[16:41] yep a very little taste

[16:43] there was very little there

[16:45] a slice of flop house theater

[16:47] so the extras are fantastic

[16:49] but the foreground not so much

[16:51] here's what happens in the movie

[16:53] so Kelly's friend in quotes

[16:55] because she's a bitch to her the whole movie

[16:57] decides that she is going to

[16:59] is her name like Brittany or Brianna

[17:01] it's probably like Skyler or Dakota

[17:03] or Laura

[17:05] or something like that

[17:07] first name?

[17:09] it must have been a maiden name

[17:11] kids these days you know

[17:13] their kooky trend names

[17:15] anyway so

[17:17] she decides she's going to mess with Justin

[17:19] for no real reason

[17:21] I guess because Justin's not interested in her

[17:23] she's constantly angry that none of the guys are interested in her

[17:25] and she just wants to get into all the parties

[17:27] which is weird because she's set up as

[17:29] kind of the queen bee character

[17:31] and she's like objectively and attractively

[17:33] it just seems odd that she's so obsessed

[17:35] you were masturbating in your mind

[17:37] it's weird casting

[17:39] here's what I'd say Dan

[17:41] here's what I'd say

[17:43] I think you're programmed to look at

[17:45] the woman who looks like that in this type of movie

[17:47] the skinny blonde is supposed to be

[17:49] the one who's got it going on

[17:51] she's going to be desirable to everybody

[17:53] she also has a couple of problems in that area

[17:55] and she has a couple of musical numbers

[17:57] where people are carrying her around

[17:59] but I think those all might take place in her mind

[18:01] yeah it's possible

[18:03] it's like an American psycho type thing

[18:05] is it really happening?

[18:07] here's what I'd say about her

[18:09] one, she comes on too strong

[18:11] and even the most beautiful woman

[18:13] which she is not, she's fine

[18:15] just to pull a name out of my head, Carl Gugino

[18:17] she's no Carl Gugino

[18:19] but her personality just comes on too strong

[18:21] and let's say

[18:23] there's no beauty in her heart

[18:25] exactly, inner beauty is what really counts

[18:27] two, she's a big fish in a small pond

[18:29] now she's a small fish in a big pond

[18:31] she's a heartbreaker

[18:33] she's still the same size fish though

[18:35] but the ponds got bigger

[18:37] oh that makes more sense

[18:39] and as Obi-Wan said

[18:41] what's his face, the other guy

[18:43] in Phantom Menace

[18:45] there's always a bigger fish

[18:47] I think he was talking about Spring Break particularly

[18:49] so she is like

[18:51] she's flailing

[18:53] she's like I'm used to people just flocking to me

[18:55] but now there's all these other girls

[18:57] I don't know what to do

[18:59] and so she kind of pointlessly

[19:01] just keeps sending Justin text messages

[19:03] as if she's Kelly

[19:05] saying meet me here, I don't want to

[19:07] or just ignoring him

[19:09] maybe I zoned out

[19:11] did we talk about how

[19:13] yes, it happens

[19:15] did we talk about

[19:17] just how perfunctory

[19:19] Justin and Kelly's meeting was

[19:21] and how little chemistry they have together

[19:23] well let's talk about it

[19:25] as I said to Dan

[19:27] their chemistry leaps off the screen

[19:29] because I could see no evidence for it

[19:31] on the screen

[19:33] I assumed it jumped away and scurried under a piece of furniture

[19:35] I mean we saw this

[19:37] we talked about them singing together

[19:39] but the real meeting was

[19:41] Justin is running away from a flock of women

[19:43] who want his promotional

[19:45] wristbands to the

[19:47] Margarita Madness that he's putting on

[19:49] it's a great name

[19:51] Margaritas that drive you to madness

[19:53] I think Lovecraft wrote about that

[19:55] yeah

[19:57] the old ones mixed to drink

[19:59] it was said to

[20:00] drive one man mad.

[20:02] It was lime, tequila, triple sec, and madness.

[20:06] Two parts saturnian wine.

[20:10] No, but like.

[20:11] Chug shabitters.

[20:12] So he runs into the ladies room to hide from these,

[20:16] this pack of females and runs into Kelly

[20:19] and they trade maybe five sentences

[20:22] and there doesn't seem to be like any particular

[20:25] like sizzling chemistry.

[20:26] It might as well have been,

[20:27] the same amount of chemistry you'd get

[20:29] if Kelly was waiting for the bus

[20:30] and a homeless man came up to her,

[20:32] asked her for money.

[20:33] She said, I'm sorry, I don't have any.

[20:34] And he said, well, God bless you anyway, and walked away.

[20:36] That's about the chemistry they have.

[20:38] See a lifetime passes in those moments, guys.

[20:40] When their eyes meet.

[20:43] I think they probably edited that sequence out

[20:46] where they stared into each other's eyes

[20:47] and they saw a future where they were having kids

[20:51] and those kids were growing old

[20:53] and they were growing old

[20:54] and then they turned into worm food

[20:55] and then those worms grew old.

[20:56] They saw their reflection

[20:58] and a landslide of coming down.

[20:59] Shut up.

[21:00] They were getting older too.

[21:01] I told you to be quiet with that shit.

[21:03] And Wolfly went back.

[21:05] So here's what I'm gonna say that scene worked.

[21:08] If they looked into each other's eyes

[21:09] and suddenly flashed back to

[21:11] Justin and Kelly throughout time,

[21:13] throughout history.

[21:14] Cave Justin and Cave Kelly being together.

[21:17] Medieval times, Justin and Kelly, Roman times.

[21:20] It's like a Mists of Avalon type thing.

[21:22] They've always been lovers throughout history.

[21:24] And now they're once again lovers.

[21:25] And he has snakes tattooed on his wrists.

[21:28] You know, Mists of Avalon like again.

[21:29] Sure.

[21:30] That would have been,

[21:31] the rest of the movie would have made more sense

[21:33] because it was like,

[21:33] oh, okay, so their souls are fated

[21:34] to be together for eternity.

[21:36] Like Hawk Man and Hawk Girl.

[21:37] The two most boring people in the world

[21:40] were fated to be together.

[21:41] God's like, I'll save anyone of interest

[21:43] from these people by having them be in love.

[21:45] That's the thing.

[21:46] Sometimes when you know somebody so perfectly,

[21:48] it gets a little boring

[21:49] because you have nothing to talk about.

[21:50] You gotta spice it up

[21:51] with a whipped cream bikini contest.

[21:53] So say it, the chicken whipped cream.

[21:56] And that's, I think those are the plots.

[21:59] By the end of the movie,

[22:00] the minor obstacles that,

[22:02] oh, and also the other friend

[22:04] starts going out with a waiter.

[22:06] She gets him fired from his job

[22:07] by talking back to his boss.

[22:08] And then he gets a new job.

[22:09] And that aforementioned great kitchen scene.

[22:11] Yeah.

[22:12] And the kitchen scene where again,

[22:15] the most interesting thing about it

[22:17] was the nonsensical food service

[22:19] going on in the background.

[22:19] Like the extra just saw this pizza,

[22:21] and he's like,

[22:22] I guess I should just start putting it on plates.

[22:24] Gotta do something with these hands.

[22:27] I can't just stand here staring at a pizza.

[22:30] I can't just stand here staring at my hands

[22:33] wondering what they could be doing.

[22:34] Because that would look crazy.

[22:35] Strangling somebody?

[22:38] He just starts walking up to the stars

[22:40] with his hands out as if to strangle him.

[22:43] Excuse me, what are you doing extra number two?

[22:45] Oh, it's just a bit of business I came up with.

[22:47] My backstory is I hate these characters

[22:48] and I want to strangle them.

[22:51] Maybe we should get a different,

[22:54] that doesn't really fit with the rest of the story.

[22:57] So by the end of the movie, everything's okay.

[22:59] Yeah, well, the thing is,

[23:01] the original beach movies that these sort of like,

[23:05] as we were saying, are an updating of,

[23:07] like they had featherweight plots

[23:09] and the obstacles.

[23:10] And featherweight bathing suits.

[23:12] And the obstacles in front of the young lovers

[23:15] were ridiculous and stupid.

[23:17] But even by that standard,

[23:20] there is almost no reason why there's obstacles.

[23:23] Like the woman is like.

[23:24] There's like two obstacles in the whole movie.

[23:26] And one of them is a hovercraft basketball tournament.

[23:31] That is, don't, now your mind just heard

[23:33] hovercraft basketball tournament

[23:34] and you thought, awesome, wrong.

[23:36] It is the most boring thing I've maybe ever seen.

[23:39] Two hovercrafts, you know, like circling each other

[23:43] like mid-middle speed while people try and throw balls

[23:46] into the opposite hovercraft.

[23:48] With a very complicated rule system.

[23:50] It's very elaborate.

[23:51] There's bonus points for things.

[23:53] It doesn't make sense.

[23:55] Yeah, I've seen like episodes of Small Wonder.

[23:57] Oh, I've seen things you can only imagine.

[24:01] Of course, she's a fucking robot, dude.

[24:03] Conflict is bound to arise between organics and synthetics.

[24:06] And not to mention her programming.

[24:08] She thinks of everything so literally.

[24:09] It's like she's an Amelia Bedelia robot almost.

[24:12] Do you think she's programmed the three laws of robotics?

[24:14] Like if Small Wonder.

[24:15] I hope so.

[24:16] If there was a fire and Small Wonder wanted to get away

[24:22] and her owner was like, no, Small Wonder,

[24:24] I order you to stay in that fire.

[24:25] She's like, uh, law two overrides law three.

[24:30] My own survival is superseded

[24:33] by my need to obey human commands.

[24:35] I'm dying.

[24:36] Do you think that would happen?

[24:38] I think that's probably the last series finale

[24:42] of Small Wonder.

[24:43] I have to assume so.

[24:45] Uh, so here's the thing.

[24:47] The Rolling Stones may have said

[24:48] you can't always get what you want,

[24:50] but everyone in Justin Ticheli gets what they want.

[24:52] Who's right?

[24:55] Thoughts, discussion?

[24:57] So next time that song pops up on Pandora, thumbs down.

[25:00] Yeah, you pose a very stupid philosophical question, Elliot.

[25:04] Now, there's a lot of stuff in here too

[25:05] that's like beach movie tropes that they do very lazily.

[25:09] Someone tans for too long and gets burned.

[25:11] Somebody's chased by another girl's boyfriend

[25:14] who's a big guy.

[25:15] There's some mistaken identity.

[25:18] There's bikinis, but like even those

[25:20] are kind of given short shrift.

[25:21] There's a poor attempt at beach volleyball.

[25:24] Yeah, yeah, very poor.

[25:25] There's a sandcastle in one scene.

[25:28] Can I say one of the things that irritated me in this movie?

[25:32] Nope, not what we're here for.

[25:33] Okay, well.

[25:34] You're supposed to tell us two truths

[25:35] and a lie about yourself.

[25:37] Okay, um, let's see.

[25:40] I lived two blocks away from a dairy farm.

[25:47] Now?

[25:48] In Brooklyn?

[25:49] Hey, let him finish.

[25:50] This is gonna eat up some minutes.

[25:52] So Dan, what were you gonna say?

[25:53] I can't even think of truths about myself.

[25:54] It's a weird thing.

[25:56] Because you've been living a lie for so long.

[25:58] Who is Dan McCoy?

[25:59] You look in the mirror

[26:00] and you don't even recognize yourself

[26:01] because you have a beard now.

[26:02] Anyway, so what was the thing that irritated you?

[26:05] No, early on when the nerd is checking into the hotel,

[26:11] one of the least nerdy nerds in the history of film.

[26:14] He is a handsome dude with abs,

[26:17] who has glasses.

[26:18] He's ripped, dude.

[26:19] He's complaining about how he can't get online

[26:22] and he holds up his old rotary phone

[26:25] and he's like, how am I supposed to get online?

[26:27] There's not even any buttons on this thing.

[26:30] And the other two characters

[26:31] kind of roll their eyes at each other.

[26:33] But that's not how it works.

[26:34] He would've just taken the phone jack out of the wall

[26:37] and plugged his ethernet cable into that.

[26:40] The actual phone has no...

[26:43] No, but if it's a dial-up thing, you just plug it in.

[26:46] Here's the thing.

[26:47] He didn't even seem to bring a computer

[26:49] or his own cell phone.

[26:51] Yeah, no point does he have a computer on him.

[26:54] Now, remember...

[26:55] If you're gonna go through the trouble

[26:57] of doing that stupid gag,

[26:59] at least fact check your gag.

[27:00] Now, let's remember when this movie came out.

[27:02] It was 2003.

[27:03] So, cell phone technology wasn't what it is now.

[27:06] Laptops weren't what they are now.

[27:08] And also, this is post-9-11.

[27:10] Oh, right.

[27:12] Maybe he is just trying to stay safe,

[27:14] not attract the attention of terrorists.

[27:16] That's my only guess.

[27:17] Because otherwise,

[27:18] why wouldn't he bring his computer with him?

[27:21] Wait, so what do you think he was doing with the phone

[27:22] if he wasn't actually picking his computer up to it?

[27:25] I gotta assume he was tracking down leads.

[27:30] Doing some old shoe leather police work.

[27:34] Maybe he's gonna pick it up and hit somebody with it.

[27:39] Yep.

[27:40] Nothing in the movie really makes that much sense.

[27:42] The characters are...

[27:43] There's a scene with the aforementioned pizza

[27:45] in the background scene

[27:46] where the busboy's girlfriend,

[27:48] one of Kelly's friends,

[27:49] is just hanging out with him in the kitchen

[27:51] while he's working.

[27:52] And it's like,

[27:53] do people routinely bring their girlfriends

[27:55] to hang out with them in their...

[27:56] I hope the fucking food inspectors don't show up.

[28:00] What's this girl in a bathing suit doing here?

[28:02] I really like there's a scene where...

[28:02] Was this that John Updike story

[28:04] where the guy quits his job

[28:06] because the girl in the bathing suit

[28:07] gets kicked out of the supermarket?

[28:09] I couldn't remember the name of the story.

[28:13] There's a great scene where the Queen Bee character

[28:16] goes to Margarita Madness or whatever,

[28:18] hosted by Brandon?

[28:20] Yeah, Brandon.

[28:21] Is his name Brandon?

[28:22] And basically, she shows up,

[28:24] she gets free entrance to this Margarita Madness,

[28:27] I guess they call it,

[28:28] and then immediately dumps a bunch of drinks on her head.

[28:31] End of scene.

[28:32] That is the last we hear about this scene.

[28:33] She was only there to be humiliated.

[28:35] Much like a Thomas Hardy character,

[28:37] she exists only to be buffeted by the winds of fate.

[28:40] You're buffeted by the winds of fate, Batman.

[28:42] And not Thomas Hardy, the actor.

[28:48] Thomas Hardy, the writer.

[28:52] Wait, what?

[28:53] Tessa D'Urberville?

[28:55] So, did you read Return of the Native, Batman?

[29:01] This is a movie?

[29:02] Would you think the mayor of Castlebridge

[29:04] brings his dismay upon himself, Batman?

[29:08] Why so formal, Mr. Wayne?

[29:12] I'm really more of a poet at heart.

[29:14] It's still happening.

[29:15] Anyway, you were saying?

[29:16] No, I was-

[29:17] Bronson, and so forth.

[29:18] I was not really saying.

[29:20] I was struggling for something to say about this movie.

[29:22] It's hard.

[29:23] It's so thin.

[29:23] This is a lightweight movie.

[29:26] It's like, this is-

[29:26] This movie has seven minutes of plot.

[29:29] And they stretched it out to an hour and 22 minutes.

[29:32] There's some great outfits.

[29:33] Oh, yeah.

[29:34] Kelly wears some interesting shirts.

[29:36] At one point, she looks like she should be

[29:40] stepping up to the streets.

[29:42] Yeah.

[29:43] Or 3D.

[29:44] She looks like she should be like,

[29:46] she's kind of like an anime character

[29:48] who's at a Tokyo Drift race,

[29:52] but also she's got kind of like a weird

[29:53] Spangly Day of the Dead shirt on.

[29:55] So, that's interesting, I guess.

[29:57] Sure.

[29:59] Another one looks like she-

[30:00] to be draped around johnnie depp's neck

[30:04] so good work kelly clarkson on that uh... i mean as you can see from what's

[30:09] the movie that uh...

[30:10] everyone was doing this because they had to it feels like

[30:13] everyone involved is doing this because they've signed a contract at some point

[30:16] to do a movie

[30:18] and nobody really want to do it in the most interesting thing about the movie

[30:21] to me is that

[30:22] really competing

[30:23] the via this feels like

[30:24] wikipedia

[30:25] nobody wikipedia

[30:26] i was about to cough and then yeah wikipedia my friend pete mcneil believe

[30:31] whatever you tell him so there's a

[30:34] you'd assume this movie it's an american idol tie-in basically

[30:37] that this movie was made to sell a soundtrack album

[30:40] they recorded one and it was not released because the movie did so poorly

[30:44] they figured no one would want to buy the soundtrack

[30:46] so it's

[30:47] it's interesting to me that like the reason you'd think this would be

[30:50] existing didn't come about

[30:52] yeah i you know and i

[30:55] i find justin gore any utterly charmless

[30:59] uh... kelly clarkson

[31:01] uh... i like a little bit

[31:03] and maybe it's just the font i like you know i like some of our songs that

[31:06] you've been going to get some

[31:07] you know

[31:08] there's a lot about uh... how she doesn't look up i'm against the anti

[31:12] looking up

[31:13] message of the song but i'm pro the the two of them and that's on task

[31:16] yeah i think that yet

[31:18] uh... well-intentioned

[31:20] uh...

[31:22] more lee would not be a

[31:25] the callback to stuff that happened before we started taking a look

[31:28] uh... but so

[31:29] so okay so you like kelly clarkson would you like to do like a movie uh... there

[31:33] was a

[31:34] my daughter was a busty extra in the back of one of the united there's a bar

[31:37] let me tell you this

[31:38] this is a problem with the beach movie is that if you're a guy watching it

[31:41] you're never going to be distracted by the women in the background but they

[31:44] really didn't give you much in the foregrounds to

[31:47] fight that

[31:48] yeah yeah when we look at this nerd with a weird tangled fishermen have yet come

[31:52] on at this point is that some of the movie becomes like

[31:55] some kind of pervy where's waldo we're searching for the crowd for boobs

[31:59] desperately for something to at least hold your penis is interested

[32:04] could be a urinal

[32:04] there's nothing to do with that

[32:08] that uh... that

[32:10] that goes to me that that's part of the president is that a medical diagnosis

[32:14] disinterested because i think that i've suffered from a report

[32:21] that okay that's the truth that the other truth you were searching for

[32:24] earlier

[32:25] uh...

[32:26] yeah we should uh... so from justin to kelly should have been returned to send

[32:29] her

[32:30] uh...

[32:31] uh... i'm jean shalit

[32:32] uh... i'm jean shalit

[32:36] that's when you make a better food

[32:38] and i have my family only one food i had my film critic being dressed for

[32:43] well it's like a pair of jeans with shalit in the pocket

[32:46] exactly

[32:47] it's a pocket full of shalit

[32:49] uh...

[32:50] that's a good musical song a pocket full of shalit

[32:52] yeah by the spin doctors

[32:56] uh...

[32:57] three shalits and a fountain

[32:58] there's also the pauline kale that's a very popular side dish

[33:04] uh... so

[33:06] uh...

[33:07] yeah and put a dollop of stanley kauf mayonnaise on that

[33:10] jean sisk eel

[33:13] uh... sure i guess that is a sushi bar in my critic themed restaurant

[33:18] and of course the roger sherbert anyway moving on dan

[33:21] uh... so uh...

[33:23] we should do our final judgments on this movie whether it was a good bad movie a

[33:27] bad bad movie a-o hot sauce or a movie perfect we kinda liked

[33:32] uh... stuart what do you say

[33:35] uh... wait what are the categories again

[33:39] totally beachifying

[33:41] scarily snored

[33:43] uh...

[33:45] now this is this is a bad bad movie uh... i was hoping that it would that

[33:49] there would be more wackiness

[33:50] there's a few wacky chases when uh... this certified party expert i'd like to

[33:56] see his credentials

[33:59] runs afoul of

[34:00] uh... beautiful local law enforcement officer cutler

[34:06] uh... that's a lot of the callahan character if this was a very good

[34:10] dirty is about a lot like a lot of police academy like a flirty harry

[34:14] callahan

[34:16] is left of the the blonde woman debate from as a member of some of the member

[34:21] is the guy with the special effects noises and that's terrible and uh... i

[34:25] tell her was that a character and said

[34:27] there'd be a and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and

[34:31] later in the series

[34:32] yeah yeah i mean later is

[34:34] in my multiples of the came in pretty early with the second movie

[34:38] yeah but he didn't become a little until numbers that are that's true

[34:41] and let's not forget

[34:43] the star of it all

[34:45] america's police

[34:47] the concept of law enforcement

[34:50] anyway

[34:51] down so it's a reason it's a bad bad idea yeah yeah i agree

[34:56] and i hope for this to be a good bad movie because of its reputation as one

[35:01] of the worst movies ever

[35:03] it was up to that but in the wrong way yeah it was so thin that it did not

[35:09] eat my interest and

[35:11] where movie that was

[35:12] an hour and twenty two minutes

[35:14] it seemed like a lifetime but it was infinitely like a doctor in a justin

[35:19] guarini's i've seen your babies together if a doctor tells you have an hour and

[35:23] twenty two minutes to live

[35:25] fire up from justin to kill it doesn't you won't want to be begging for the

[35:29] sweet release and to you'll feel like you're a mortal time will stretch on

[35:34] forever it's like you're in a white void with no sensory data elements

[35:39] whatsoever so you have no idea if a second is faster million years and so

[35:42] i'm gonna say that that would also kind of barely reached this minimum standards

[35:46] for being a movie

[35:49] uh... so

[35:51] move on justin to kelly

[35:54] no such address

[35:56] thanks again for that

[35:58] uh... so

[35:59] before you go on to letters no cds to uh... there are a couple things couple

[36:04] shows

[36:05] remote

[36:06] uh... when this is the day that this is dropping

[36:10] is the day that i'm appearing at the deal ideology and winsburg and it's

[36:14] saturday december thirteen thirteenth

[36:18] for the slate holiday party so that i don't know saturday the thirteenth was

[36:22] the movie about the very late slasher killer

[36:25] who could never make it on time to things yeah

[36:28] uh... there's a certain in the fourteenth right here there is that is a

[36:33] now is it is like a transylvania six five thousand and i don't know that one

[36:36] well forget it i like saturday the thirteenth more

[36:38] anyway

[36:39] point is that i don't know that we need to change its title

[36:42] so that's still happening which one is that the college union bc

[36:45] you know i don't know what you're going to get your only being a little bit

[36:50] today and this is a ideology in brooklyn yeah

[36:53] so on a december thirteenth may well be sold out

[36:56] online you know i don't know any way to turn away the door for your message is

[37:00] looking tempting and that

[37:03] but also we have our life show coming up and uh... we've got a big announce

[37:06] january ninth atlanta let me do this properly okay

[37:10] january ninth twenty fifteen

[37:12] podcasting history is about to be rules in the room

[37:17] and only three men or is a wasteland can run by a biker gangs

[37:23] and also the mayor

[37:25] also at the bell house

[37:28] in goannis brooklyn

[37:30] at ten p m

[37:31] you and a friend if you buy tickets together and therefore are in

[37:36] are invited to see the first ever

[37:38] live recording of a flop house podcast episode

[37:42] not a movie riffing show

[37:43] you will not watch a movie with the pot with the flop house cat gang but you

[37:48] will watch us record a real episode

[37:51] so that you are less

[37:52] we recorded for history

[37:54] uh... and and i think we're gonna notice

[37:56] her story

[37:58] if you're a lady and a man

[38:00] uh... they are going out so it will be rewatched uh... it was

[38:03] and will be yours idea of a drumroll or something you know the blame and the

[38:06] whole night is just in the table and said a terrible one of you watching

[38:10] teenage mutant

[38:12] ninja

[38:13] portals

[38:14] the movie

[38:15] yeah the the remake that i knew i had two thousand of the older jim henson

[38:20] version of michael bay production and uh...

[38:22] it's very

[38:23] make on fox or

[38:26] and for a radical turner and alias kodiak's as kcg i don't think that is

[38:32] that it's really what i know that david fichtner is in it right

[38:35] yet as shredder

[38:38] william fichtner david fichtner's brother

[38:41] uh... so if you're going to the show

[38:45] try and watch that shitty movie in advance and possibly great movie in

[38:48] advance the show is and we will as always have watched the movie

[38:51] mere minutes before going out on stage

[38:54] uh... so we're going to go on the stage in a day but we are going to do a few

[38:58] things uh... just for the live audience give them a little extra and tickets are

[39:03] selling fast as of this recording

[39:05] i think there is uh... about seventy or less tickets left

[39:09] uh... flop house records of your fewer thanks mister grammar dictionary brown

[39:15] of the police chief wish to get everybody but is really inside it was a

[39:18] real pedantic ass correcting everybody's grammar but that would be

[39:22] admitting that dictionary brown was his son he must have stood up on the

[39:27] i used

[39:28] q

[39:29] it's uh... this is a case for the attorneys general

[39:38] bugs me

[39:39] couldn't actually be collecting money for an expedition to the ozarks

[39:44] because i'd comes before a except after c i'm afraid bugs me

[39:49] affect and affect to our two different words bugs meeting has to be wrong about

[39:54] the sunken pirate treasure

[39:56] because flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

[40:00] So anyway, we'll be watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[40:04] We will also be doing a few things, like Dan said,

[40:06] just for the live audience

[40:07] that will not be in the recording.

[40:09] So that's another thing to get you there

[40:11] if being a part of Flophouse history isn't enough.

[40:15] Yeah.

[40:16] And I think, you know, there'll be other surprises.

[40:18] You know, surprise guests?

[40:19] No.

[40:20] Choreographed dances?

[40:21] Nope.

[40:23] I mean, there might be some unchoreographed dances.

[40:25] There almost certainly will be.

[40:27] So.

[40:28] So January 9th, the Flophouse Live,

[40:31] talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[40:35] Rated R, maybe?

[40:38] Playing at your house.

[40:40] For prep.

[40:42] So now it's time for letters.

[40:46] Wait, can I plug something?

[40:48] Sure.

[40:49] This is coming out after it was released,

[40:51] in case you hadn't heard,

[40:52] or you don't remember from the last episode,

[40:54] my first Spider-Man comic,

[40:55] Spider-Man the X-Men number one,

[40:57] came out Wednesday of this week.

[40:58] So go out to your comic store.

[41:00] If it's sold out, order a new one.

[41:03] Yes, I read it.

[41:04] Stuart read it.

[41:07] I read it while Stuart was sitting next to me

[41:09] talking to my wife.

[41:10] I was rude and I said, no thank you.

[41:13] You missed that entire conversation.

[41:15] I'll be reading Elliot's comic.

[41:17] Dan, I think you just,

[41:18] you may have just set up your possible winning entry

[41:22] in the most boring story competition of 2014.

[41:25] A late entry.

[41:26] The deadline was coming up.

[41:28] I'm gonna have to shuffle my list around.

[41:30] You got a strong chance now.

[41:32] That is, that's good.

[41:33] What an unnecessary slam.

[41:35] A late entry onto my top five

[41:39] most boring stories of the year.

[41:41] Under Elliot Kaelin, lyrical themes, unnecessary slams.

[41:44] Most unnecessary dickishness award.

[41:48] Can I plug one more thing?

[41:49] Is it plugs?

[41:51] Is it?

[41:52] Yeah, this light is a little shaky.

[41:55] Let me just plug that in.

[41:56] All right, thank you.

[41:57] Okay, done.

[42:00] So, this is Letters,

[42:04] where we talk to you through the medium of letters.

[42:07] Wait, no, that's not how it works.

[42:09] And I'll tell you how it works.

[42:10] You sent us a letter and now we'll read it.

[42:13] Talking to you over podcast town.

[42:17] Flying over podcast town in our podcast zeppelin.

[42:21] Everyone with a podcast has got one.

[42:24] And we're watching you sleep and make love at night.

[42:27] From the skies in our podcast zeppelin over podcast town.

[42:31] Mail us your letters and we'll read them.

[42:34] On the airwaves, then we'll answer them.

[42:37] And we'll share waves with you on the beach.

[42:40] Like Justin and Kelly at spring break.

[42:43] These are letters from you that we will now read.

[42:48] Letters in the sky.

[42:50] Thank you for allowing us that little concession break.

[42:52] I love you.

[42:54] So, this first letter is titled,

[42:57] Poster for Rocket Crocodile.

[43:00] And it's from Tristan, last name withheld.

[43:02] Yes, better be Drew Struzan.

[43:05] Okay.

[43:07] Well, Tristan says,

[43:09] Flophouse, please let Mr. Elliot Kalin know

[43:12] that the poster for his project,

[43:14] Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow is ready.

[43:17] The untouched proof has been sitting on my desk,

[43:19] gathering dust and I haven't heard anything.

[43:23] I know he got my invoices

[43:23] and he promised payment would be forthcoming.

[43:26] That was just over a year ago

[43:28] when we were still doing concept sketches.

[43:30] He can't just ignore the people he hires.

[43:32] Just because I'm a freelancer

[43:33] doesn't mean he doesn't have to pay me.

[43:35] What happened to the man who was bankrolling

[43:37] the free venture, Elliot?

[43:39] Was there ever even a Dr. John Jay name withheld?

[43:42] Were you gonna be able to pay the frankly ludicrous

[43:44] $700,000 for the upfront work me and the rest

[43:47] of your so-called creative team did for you?

[43:49] I'm beginning to doubt it.

[43:51] I mean, one, maybe $200,000

[43:52] for a poster of this majestic quality, sure.

[43:55] But your set decorator is drunk constantly.

[43:57] The costume designer is homeless

[43:58] and hadn't bathed in weeks.

[43:59] The entire hair and makeup department

[44:00] was a shoddy attempt to conceal

[44:02] a major drug trafficking operation.

[44:04] And I think the VFX guy was a middle schooler

[44:07] playing around with a four-year-old copy of After Effects.

[44:10] I see now-

[44:11] I mean, the accusations have been launched.

[44:13] I see now that this project of yours

[44:14] was never meant to be,

[44:16] and the idea that I could get a huge windfall out of it

[44:18] was a fool's errand.

[44:19] I don't even give a damn anymore about getting paid.

[44:21] Obviously, that was just a con and a lie.

[44:23] Just come pick up this poster.

[44:25] I'm gonna use it to line my cat's litter box.

[44:28] With great affection, Tristan Lastname withheld.

[44:30] And there's a poster here I'll put up for the show,

[44:34] but here you go.

[44:36] Wow, that's a pretty amazing poster.

[44:38] Can we buy it on momdo.com?

[44:40] That's pretty great.

[44:41] I kind of want to frame that.

[44:43] Yeah.

[44:44] That's pretty fantastic.

[44:45] I kind of feel like there should be a T-shirt.

[44:46] Yeah, there should definitely be a T-shirt.

[44:49] It really captures everything

[44:51] that I love about Rocky Crocodile.

[44:52] The crocodiles, the wisecracking zebras,

[44:54] the future, the nudity, everything.

[44:57] Yeah.

[44:58] Yeah, that's true.

[44:59] I think this must be Carly Gugino nude behind this.

[45:03] And the other one is Gina Gershon, I assume.

[45:04] Yeah, behind this.

[45:05] They're in like every scene nude.

[45:07] There's a lot of bending over to pick things up.

[45:12] Well, here, let me just say

[45:14] there were some misunderstandings and promises were made

[45:16] about the movie and its crew

[45:18] that maybe couldn't have been fulfilled,

[45:19] but feel better that someday this poster

[45:21] will see the light of day in the surprisingly

[45:25] striking documentary,

[45:26] Elliot Kalin's Rocket Crocodile, The World of Tomorrow.

[45:29] It's about maybe one of the greatest movies

[45:31] that was never made, Rocket Crocodile,

[45:33] and the influence it had on science fiction films

[45:35] in the following 30 years.

[45:36] The thing that's fascinating.

[45:37] A visionary director.

[45:39] Is you've never even read the original novel,

[45:41] Rocket Crocodile, The World of Tomorrow.

[45:43] I was at a party and they said,

[45:44] what story would you want to make a film of?

[45:46] And I said, of course, Rocket Crocodile,

[45:48] The World of Tomorrow,

[45:49] because I'd seen it on a shelf.

[45:50] I had never read the story.

[45:51] I wasn't interested.

[45:52] In fact, I was going to put my own spin on the tail

[45:54] and train my own son, Sammy,

[45:56] to be the lead star Rocket Crocodile.

[45:58] And that's why for the past 11 months since his birth,

[46:00] he's been learning karate 17 hours a day.

[46:03] The weird thing is you got Salvador Dali

[46:04] and Orson Welles' star in it,

[46:06] even though they're dead, long dead.

[46:07] Surprisingly easy to sign contracts with dead people.

[46:09] You just write their names in.

[46:11] Well, just get a good necromancer.

[46:13] Or a bad one.

[46:14] Or a bad necromancer.

[46:17] It looks cheap out on it.

[46:17] It doesn't matter.

[46:18] So here's what you need to remember is

[46:20] you'll be famous eventually.

[46:22] Yeah.

[46:24] Put that on your pipe.

[46:26] And I guess cash it?

[46:28] What do you do with that compliment?

[46:32] Take it all the way to the compliment bank.

[46:34] This next email is titled.

[46:36] That really is an amazing poster, I've got to say.

[46:38] Yeah, no, it's very nice.

[46:39] Again, I'll put it up on the website

[46:42] and maybe we can work something out.

[46:44] That website is flophousepodcast.org.

[46:47] No, it's not.

[46:48] Slash gov dot xxx aquafan.

[46:52] Flophousepodcast.com.

[46:54] Blogspot.

[46:55] Because it is a commercial website.

[46:57] Oh, this is a commercial?

[46:58] What for?

[46:59] Like burritos?

[47:00] Zappos.

[47:01] Like Zappos burritos?

[47:03] Hey, I love their shoes.

[47:04] How are their burritos?

[47:05] I ordered one in the mail.

[47:06] It was a little stale.

[47:08] Must be down here pretty fast.

[47:09] My feet are always so wrapped up and warm inside.

[47:11] I figured their burritos would be great.

[47:14] And moist.

[47:15] I always wanted more melted cheese between my toes.

[47:17] You know what?

[47:18] I bet if you put your foot in a burrito,

[47:20] it would feel pretty good.

[47:21] I'm not so sure about that.

[47:23] Like a warm burrito, like a toasty burrito.

[47:25] That's from Dan Script, an American burrito.

[47:27] If you think it would be good to stick your foot

[47:33] in a newly killed possum,

[47:35] I think that's about the same as it would feel

[47:37] to stick your foot in a warm burrito.

[47:39] Does that sound pleasant?

[47:40] Like bones and everything?

[47:42] Yeah.

[47:42] Burrito's nice and squishy.

[47:43] Not the way I make them.

[47:47] So the next letter.

[47:48] One of the weirder things we've been talking about.

[47:52] So this next letter is titled,

[47:54] My Wife, or I assume, My Wife.

[47:57] Nice, nice.

[47:57] Little update.

[47:58] Okay, continue.

[48:00] It's from Craig Lastname Withheld, who writes,

[48:03] I recently convinced my wife to listen to some flop house

[48:06] while we wrapped Christmas presents.

[48:08] Big mistake.

[48:09] That is always a mistake.

[48:11] When we finished.

[48:12] Almost every letter that starts,

[48:13] I convinced my family member here

[48:15] to listen to the flop house.

[48:16] It always ends badly.

[48:18] Dan always sends something disgusting.

[48:22] Continue.

[48:23] When we finished up and I turned the episode off,

[48:25] she described the experience as being like,

[48:28] quote, when you're with friends,

[48:30] they start talking about a bunch of bullshit

[48:31] you're not interested in.

[48:33] Adding, I don't not like them.

[48:35] I just don't care what they're talking about.

[48:38] Well, thanks, I guess.

[48:40] I don't think she will be a future listener.

[48:42] I, however, will never stop spreading the good word

[48:44] of the flop house, Craig Lastname Withheld.

[48:46] Well, thanks for writing.

[48:47] Is this a new, is this gonna inaugurate a new theme

[48:49] of letters written by people who shared us

[48:51] with others who didn't like us?

[48:52] I figure that if we neg ourselves,

[48:55] then we'll end up being more.

[48:57] Oh.

[48:58] Oh, more approachable.

[48:58] I mean, that's not really how the game is played.

[49:02] Dear Flophouse, your self-esteem seems too high.

[49:04] So let me tell you what happened

[49:06] when I introduced my local pastor to your podcast.

[49:09] He had a place he said you were going.

[49:11] I wasn't nice.

[49:14] So this letter, letter number three,

[49:17] it's from Taj, Lastname Withheld.

[49:20] The rise of.

[49:21] Hello, floppers.

[49:21] I write as a brief respite from the plethora

[49:24] of slash fiction no doubt being thrown your way.

[49:27] But on that note, also as would re-return

[49:31] to the Blue Lagoon work with three castaways,

[49:34] three pod castaways, if you will,

[49:36] innocently discovering their love for each other

[49:38] and their bodies?

[49:39] Or would it turn into a fight for sexual dominance

[49:41] a la the Billy Zane star survival island

[49:44] with Elliot being the Kelly Brook figure lusted after

[49:46] by the two other sex starved men?

[49:48] I mean, I buy that part.

[49:50] Wait a minute.

[49:51] Wait a minute.

[49:52] Elliot's the most desirable one out of the three of us?

[49:54] Think about it, Stuart.

[49:55] He's the most feminine.

[49:57] I don't know if I'd say that, exactly.

[49:59] I would say though that.

[50:00] What's the biggest erogenous zone? The funny bone. You want someone with a real sense of humor.

[50:05] I'll tell you something. For the first 17 years of my life, I did not find that to be true.

[50:13] But anyway, so he goes on. I don't want to indulge.

[50:19] Wait, so like when you were three, were you trying to make girls laugh to get in their pants?

[50:23] Even Freud talks of a latency period.

[50:28] I don't want to indulge the slash fictionites. Instead, I'm thinking about the missed casting opportunities for the original Peaches in movies past and future.

[50:36] Stewart as Johnny Cash in Walk the Line. Dan as inevitably Eeyore in the Winnie the Pooh movies.

[50:42] I liked that being mentioned as Johnny Cash, a man with substance abuse problems, led Stewart to briefly pause in bringing a course light to his lips and then decided, eh, I'll drink it anyway.

[50:52] Maybe it's the key to my music.

[50:54] Elliot as Gilbert Gottfried in my forthcoming biopic, Voice of an Angel.

[50:59] Don't appreciate it. I don't even sound like him. I'm not going to say my voice isn't irritating, but it's not his voice.

[51:05] My question to you three magi is, are there any roles in existing films you would like to have played and why?

[51:14] I'll field this first because since I picked these questions, I've actually had some time to think of something.

[51:21] Not to steal an answer from our friends over at Jordan Jesse Go, who talked about this recently, but I think it would be really fun to be in The Music Man as Professor Harold Hill.

[51:35] I haven't thought about movies that I would like to be in so much because it's an impossibility to do that, but as someone who grew up as a theater nerd, I have thought about musicals that I could be in, and I think that would be a lot of fun.

[51:51] I mean, I would not be as good as Robert Preston, who was brilliant in that role.

[51:54] Of course not. No offense.

[51:56] I mean, he's fantastic.

[51:57] He was amazing.

[51:58] He's amazing.

[51:59] He created the role, basically.

[52:00] I mean, he makes you forget how much older than Shirley Jones he is.

[52:04] The way you said it was like, you know what?

[52:06] I'd love to be in The Godfather.

[52:08] I don't think I'd be as good necessarily as Marlon Brando.

[52:10] You leave just a little wiggle room for someone to be like, no, no, I think you would be as good as the defining actor who was in that role.

[52:18] I was not fishing for that, but also I think it would be fun.

[52:21] It's a new take, you know?

[52:22] I think it would be fun.

[52:24] Into the Woods is coming out.

[52:26] I've always thought it would be fun to play the wolf.

[52:28] Yeah, I can see you doing that.

[52:29] I think maybe with Johnny Depp's track history with musicals, maybe I could give him a run for his money on that one more than the Robert Preston thing.

[52:37] You could give his hat a run for its money.

[52:39] It's not as cool as his other hats.

[52:41] So is Dan playing his hat?

[52:44] Yeah.

[52:45] Just a little Dan perched on Johnny Depp's hat?

[52:47] Sitting, what, Indian style?

[52:50] Yeah, why not?

[52:51] And I'm just talking, don't move, Dan.

[52:53] Don't move.

[52:54] This is your big break.

[52:55] Think like a hat.

[52:56] How would a hat react in this situation?

[52:59] You are a hat.

[53:00] It's the same as in every other situation.

[53:02] He's surprised I got to flip upside down and then land back on his head perfectly.

[53:09] Are there roles that you guys would like to be in a movie?

[53:12] Like if you had the chance to?

[53:14] Yeah, I mean, I think the obvious one would be to say like a Star-Lord type character.

[53:20] Oh, yeah.

[53:21] I could see that, yeah.

[53:22] Or, I mean, the dream role.

[53:24] You could be a guardian of the galaxy.

[53:27] Yeah, your regular Rocket Raccoon.

[53:29] Well, I would say like my dream role would be like Jack Burton in Big Trouble in China.

[53:37] That's a good one.

[53:38] I mean, once again, I am in no way saying I'm as good as Kurt Russell in that role.

[53:42] I think we can all just say none of us think we're as good as the actors who actually played these roles.

[53:47] I would like to think that I could play a character who gets by more on charisma than competence.

[53:55] Kind of gets by on his wits, but his wits are pretty dumb.

[53:59] Yeah.

[54:00] I love that movie.

[54:01] Elliot?

[54:02] I mean, if I wasn't a tiny out-of-shape guy, then Spider-Man would be.

[54:07] Oh, yeah.

[54:08] That's a character I would like to play.

[54:10] Well, with the CGI these days, I feel like you could do it.

[54:12] And I'm certainly looking forward to like when my son's old enough playing superhero with him and like being those characters.

[54:18] It's close to when we get to being in a movie.

[54:19] Yeah, you could be like him.

[54:20] I see you being a real good Black Adam.

[54:23] Sure.

[54:24] Yeah, because my son's a big Captain Marvel fan.

[54:29] He only wants to do the scene where Billy Batson meets the wizard Shazam in a cave.

[54:34] But I think – but if I – a different question.

[54:37] If I could be any fictional character, then there's no question.

[54:41] It would be Nick Charles.

[54:42] I may have said this before.

[54:43] Oh, yeah.

[54:44] Nick Charles from the Thin Man series is – he's Debonair.

[54:46] He's such a T-Totaler, though.

[54:47] He has lots of fun.

[54:48] Well, he is by the end of the series.

[54:50] Look, if I had that much fun drinking, I'd be drunk all the time like him.

[54:54] And he's married to Myrna Loy.

[54:55] It doesn't get any better.

[54:56] Yeah, all right.

[54:58] He has a cute dog.

[54:59] They solve crimes.

[55:01] They're rich.

[55:02] Yeah, it's a pretty sweet life.

[55:05] Life could be a dream if you were Nick Charles, a fictional character.

[55:09] So the last letter of the evening goes a little something like this.

[55:14] It's from – well, we'll get to it.

[55:17] It goes,

[55:18] History story?

[55:19] I am a massively colossal fan of the Flophouse.

[55:22] You fellows are my go-to non-music, non-sports-related entertainment when I run.

[55:26] I can't put my finger on what makes your podcast such riveting exercise diversion.

[55:30] It must be either Elliot's insistence on cutting Dan off at every turn.

[55:33] What's that like?

[55:34] Hold on a second.

[55:36] Stuart's insistence on cutting Dan off at every turn.

[55:38] What are you talking about?

[55:39] Or Dan's brain's insistence.

[55:41] Dan's brain's insistence.

[55:44] I want that to be in Latin, the motto on your family crest, Stuart.

[55:51] On cutting Dan off at every turn.

[55:53] I'm such a Flop fan, in fact, that I took the seemingly ridiculous step

[55:58] of asking the three of you to write a comic book,

[56:01] specifically the Flash Gordon holiday special that's on sale December 17th from Dynamite Entertainment.

[56:06] At comic book stores everywhere?

[56:07] Yeah, which I packaged and edited.

[56:09] Three stories that span the cosmos, each one written by a Flopper,

[56:13] each one set during a different holiday.

[56:15] Winter holiday.

[56:16] And there's a parenthetical,

[56:17] Elliot and Stuart, please feel free to hum dramatically during this next part

[56:21] and do space fighting sound effects.

[56:25] For real, as Dan McCoy and artist Joseph Cooper take you to the jungle world of Arborea,

[56:30] where Flash Gordon and Professor Zarkov go to spread Christmas cheer,

[56:35] only to discover that a faraway force has already has...

[56:40] Sorry.

[56:41] I fucked that up.

[56:42] Dan, what is going on?

[56:43] Only to discover...

[56:44] It's written down.

[56:45] Only to discover that a faraway force...

[56:47] And you're talking about your story.

[56:48] That's the other thing.

[56:49] You shouldn't be able to wing it.

[56:52] Only to discover that a faraway force world already has Christmas?

[56:56] Question time?

[56:58] Chill as Elliot Kalin and artist Stephen Downey head to Earth

[57:03] and chronicle the exploits of a lone alien beast warrior

[57:06] abandoned on our planet after a failed invasion attempt by Ming the Merciless.

[57:10] But what could a beast man have in common with a Jewish family

[57:14] trying to celebrate Hanukkah in a hostile town?

[57:18] And spills, when Stuart Wellington and Laura Margarita present Dale Arnn,

[57:25] science reporter, Brooklyn, fear, girlfriends, ex-boyfriends,

[57:30] a big-ass crab, and walkie-talkies.

[57:34] Parentheses, humming can stop here.

[57:38] Dawn of the Dead.

[57:40] Yeah, alright.

[57:42] So, could people hear that?

[57:44] Anyway, three different winter stories.

[57:46] I would argue that that was a large reason why I fucked up.

[57:50] You asked us to do it, dude.

[57:52] This guy asked us to do it.

[57:53] And who is this guy?

[57:54] Well, we're getting to it.

[57:55] You might ask...

[57:56] You'd think he would have given us enough information by now to know his name.

[57:59] You might ask, why would a comic book editor be compelled to collaborate with three guys

[58:03] who would willingly watch and ruminate upon the likes of Marmaduke,

[58:06] Outscross, The Oogie Loves, After Earth, and nearly all of late-period Nicolas Cage's canon?

[58:12] I reached out because of your obvious affinity for comics

[58:15] and formidable ability to find fun in even the direst of storytelling sinkholes.

[58:20] And I'm happy to relay to fellow listeners that none of the peach is disappointed.

[58:23] Your stories are packed with fun and personality and heart,

[58:26] fully accessible to new readers, and can all be enjoyed,

[58:29] even by those who don't usually read comics.

[58:33] You all came to work with tremendous talent and discipline,

[58:35] even party dude Stuart,

[58:37] who I expected to deliver a stream of devil-may-care cool-guy excuses

[58:42] for why he took six months to turn in his script

[58:44] and why it was written in Sharpie on beer coasters.

[58:48] This was not the case.

[58:49] Stu's a pro.

[58:51] Also, in Dan's story...

[58:52] Hey, Collins.

[58:53] Dude, why you blowin' up my spot, puttin' me on blast, etc.

[58:57] Also, in Dan's story, not a single mention of an alien wife butt.

[59:02] Surprising, but still entertaining.

[59:04] One of the story ideas you pitched did involve porn, though.

[59:09] Well, sure.

[59:10] But that's because there was the Flesh Gordon...

[59:13] Someday I'll tell the story.

[59:16] And then, whatever year that is,

[59:18] we'll have a new forerunner for the Most Boring Stories Award.

[59:22] Continue, Daniel.

[59:23] So thanks for jamming out on A Great Comic, gentlemen.

[59:27] And I hope all of your fans will seek out a copy

[59:29] of your Great Comic this holiday season.

[59:31] Keep up the great flops, fellas.

[59:33] Nate Cosby, last name withheld.

[59:35] Comic book editor, job title withheld.

[59:39] So, uh, there you go.

[59:41] The Flesh Gordon Holiday Special.

[59:42] Written by us jerks.

[59:44] Edited by the great Nate Cosby.

[59:46] You thought you were just getting letters, but you got a plug.

[59:49] You got that last letter was a commercial.

[59:51] That was a stealth plug.

[59:52] This was a regular, like someone with invisible hair,

[59:55] This was a regular, uh, Red Rider, Little Orphan Annie, Ovaltine ad.

[1:00:00] Right in the middle of your radio program, you've got Christmas stories.

[1:00:05] So, thank you for all those letters.

[1:00:08] Thank you for sending them, thank you for reading them, and thank you for living them.

[1:00:13] But now, it's time for us to recommend movies that we saw that we actually liked.

[1:00:20] Things you should watch instead of spending an hour and twenty-two minutes in the company of Justin and Kelly.

[1:00:26] Are they coming over?

[1:00:29] You know, I'm going to zoom through this because we're running long.

[1:00:34] Yeah, but also, I caught up with a bunch of the prestige pictures of this year.

[1:00:41] Were you on a plane or something?

[1:00:43] Well, we had Thanksgiving week off, and I got a lot of screeners, and I went to the movies in the theater.

[1:00:49] And I saw a bunch of movies, all of which I enjoyed to one degree or another.

[1:00:54] I saw Interstellar, which I liked.

[1:00:56] I saw Whiplash, which I liked a lot.

[1:00:58] I saw Birdman, which, apologies to our friend Scott Tobias over at The Dissolve, I enjoyed a good deal.

[1:01:06] He's going to track you down, dude.

[1:01:08] Yeah, I know.

[1:01:09] You just earned yourself a bruising.

[1:01:12] I was cruising for it, so it's really my own fault.

[1:01:15] Just like in the movie Cruising, that's what that's about, right?

[1:01:17] Yeah, kind of.

[1:01:22] But the movie that I think I'm going to recommend is Inherent Vice, the new P.T. Anderson movie.

[1:01:29] Where'd you see that?

[1:01:29] Fuck off.

[1:01:30] I saw it in a screening, again, a Writers Guild screening.

[1:01:34] And I will say that I enjoyed that movie about as much as one can enjoy any film that you understand about 40% of.

[1:01:43] Because it marries the...

[1:01:44] Was it an Esperanto?

[1:01:45] Well, it marries the incomprehensible plotting of something like Chandler's The Big Chill, or Big Sleep, sorry.

[1:01:52] No, no, Raymond Chandler's The Big Chill, where they're trying to solve the mystery of...

[1:01:56] I corrected it immediately.

[1:01:59] God damn it.

[1:02:01] We were all going to, all the suspects are here, I guess we'll dance to some Motown songs.

[1:02:07] Down these mean kitchens, a man must go.

[1:02:11] It combines the plotting of something like The Big Sleep with the incomprehensible prose of Thomas Pynchon.

[1:02:19] Yeah, I've tried reading him so many times.

[1:02:23] Yeah, I mean, Inherent Vice is supposed to be his most accessible book, but even that, I give it a whirl, was not a fan.

[1:02:31] But I enjoy the movie a lot, mostly for its texture and feel, which is what you're left with when you can't understand really what's going on.

[1:02:42] I mean, I got the broad strokes, but there are some mystery threads that are left widely hanging by the film.

[1:02:49] But it's a hard movie to explain.

[1:02:54] Do you see it in 70mm?

[1:02:56] No, it's a movie that...

[1:03:00] I'm X-rated.

[1:03:01] No, but I mean, there was a big point about how it was screened in 70mm.

[1:03:05] 70? I know that it was shot in 35mm using film, so it has old-time film texture.

[1:03:14] But I think that Interstellar was in 70mm.

[1:03:20] Interstellar, I thought it was a 70mm.

[1:03:22] Yeah, but I thought it was those two.

[1:03:23] Oh.

[1:03:26] Don't write in and tell us, because we don't care.

[1:03:28] But...

[1:03:29] I mean, write in, we'll just ignore it.

[1:03:30] Talk about it on Twitter, say Stuart Rules.

[1:03:32] If I'm wrong, don't say anything.

[1:03:34] No, say Stuart Rules if he's wrong.

[1:03:35] I guess that's fair.

[1:03:36] You know, if you like the vibe of something like Altman's The Long Goodbye, there's a lot to like in this.

[1:03:42] And as much as I did not fully feel like I got everything that the movie was trying to do, I also want to see it again.

[1:03:50] Hey, you felt like you had an experience.

[1:03:52] It stuck with me.

[1:03:53] You had an experience, yeah.

[1:03:54] How would it fit within the Paul Thomas Anderson canon?

[1:03:58] Because we need to fit it in there and fire it at the castle we're besieging with our Paul Thomas Anderson canon.

[1:04:03] Behind the chainshot.

[1:04:05] The chainshot will destroy the defenders.

[1:04:07] The chain rips through their heads, and then a copy of There Will Be Blood takes out the main ramparts.

[1:04:13] Pops out of their bodies.

[1:04:14] I will say that it may rank the lowest for me with the possible obsession of Heart 8, which I've seen once a long time ago, so I don't know.

[1:04:24] Whoa, you like Heart 8 less than Magnolia?

[1:04:27] That's what I was thinking, too.

[1:04:28] Oh, no, no, you know, I like this better than Magnolia.

[1:04:30] Okay.

[1:04:31] Magnolia has a great first seven minutes.

[1:04:35] I mean, I like Magnolia, but it's got, it's also got a lot of problems.

[1:04:38] I mean, it's weird that he licensed out a movie like that to be a bakery.

[1:04:45] That's one for the New Yorkers, the Sex and the City fans.

[1:04:47] I apologize, I totally forgot that Magnolia was a P.T. Anderson film.

[1:04:51] So, anyway.

[1:04:52] It's a P.T. 109 film.

[1:04:54] So that's my recommendation.

[1:04:56] That was more of a gonk droid of a film.

[1:04:58] Where do you want to go with this?

[1:05:01] Wait, like, which one of us does a recommendation?

[1:05:03] I'm going to do two recommendations.

[1:05:05] Boom.

[1:05:06] Holy shit.

[1:05:07] I have one movie to recommend.

[1:05:08] A double shot.

[1:05:09] So it's going to go last?

[1:05:10] So the first movie I'm going to recommend is another prestige picture called The Hobbit Battle of Five Armies.

[1:05:17] It's a little-known independent film.

[1:05:18] Dan and I got to see an early screening of this.

[1:05:22] I don't think that if you have not been a fan of the earlier two films, Unexpected Journey

[1:05:28] and Desolation of Smaug, this will not make a convert of you.

[1:05:31] If you go into it expecting to be mad or not like it, don't watch this movie.

[1:05:37] Spend your two and a half hours.

[1:05:38] That's right.

[1:05:39] It's only two and a half hours long.

[1:05:41] Spend those hours doing something else.

[1:05:42] Or as Joe Jackson calls it, a live action short.

[1:05:46] Wait, watch Castle Creek once and a half times?

[1:05:49] Yeah.

[1:05:50] You'll get to the weird part the second time through.

[1:05:54] So...

[1:05:55] No, but it is...

[1:05:56] I said that I thought it was the best of the three and you agreed.

[1:05:59] Yeah, I think you had a good point.

[1:06:01] At least for me, and I think you said it too, the original trilogy, though it didn't have

[1:06:08] a particularly noticeable dipping quality, started off stronger and went downhill as

[1:06:13] opposed to The Hobbit, which kind of starts a little shaky but picks up steam as it goes

[1:06:19] along.

[1:06:20] It actually feels like Peter Jackson listens to his critics a little bit because this last

[1:06:23] one moves at a pretty good clip.

[1:06:26] So that's what I'm recommending.

[1:06:27] It's my catchphrase.

[1:06:28] Yeah, it's true.

[1:06:31] And then I'm also going to recommend another movie that has been getting a lot of press.

[1:06:35] I'm going to recommend The Babadook, which is an Australian horror film.

[1:06:40] It's basically about...

[1:06:41] About a ghost with a big ass.

[1:06:42] How long were you worried about that?

[1:06:43] As soon as I said I was going to recommend The Babadook.

[1:06:44] It's the way you said, Babadook.

[1:06:45] You're like, Saturday Night Live missed its chance when they had Nicki Minaj on.

[1:06:54] The working title was Pulcher Trunk.

[1:07:00] So yeah, it's a horror film about a single mother who's raising a six-year-old child

[1:07:09] and they discover a scary pop-up book.

[1:07:13] It's super effective, super frightening, plays on a lot of themes that adults, particularly

[1:07:19] parents, will find frightening.

[1:07:21] Hey, that's me.

[1:07:22] I'm the audience for that.

[1:07:23] So you should totally watch it and be prepared to be scared.

[1:07:29] In a way I wouldn't have been scared a year ago.

[1:07:31] Watch it with the lights on and then turn them off because it's scarier that way.

[1:07:35] Watch it with the lights on and then turn the lights off because you're sleepy.

[1:07:40] Just like sex.

[1:07:42] It's scarier when the lights are off and you're wearing masks.

[1:07:50] Elliot, I think it's your turn.

[1:07:51] I recommend two movies.

[1:07:52] Yeah, you did recommend two movies and then having sex with masks on because it's scarier.

[1:07:57] So I'm going to go a different way.

[1:07:59] I haven't gotten to see really any new movies because what are you going to do?

[1:08:04] You got a baby or something?

[1:08:05] I do have a baby or something.

[1:08:07] So you're going to recommend an older movie?

[1:08:09] I am going to recommend an older movie.

[1:08:11] And hey, it's Elliot.

[1:08:12] How about an old foreign film?

[1:08:14] You guessed it.

[1:08:16] This is a movie that fell under my philosophy of if it looks interesting on Turner Classic Movies,

[1:08:22] from the program guide description, I will record it and try it.

[1:08:25] And I'm glad that I did.

[1:08:26] This is a Russian movie called Nine Days in One Year from 1964 directed by Mikhail Rom

[1:08:32] and starring a couple actors you may recognize from other Russian films in the period.

[1:08:37] One of them was also – was the star of The Cranes Are Flying, which people may know.

[1:08:42] But anyway, Nine Days in One Year is a love triangle between three physicists, two men and one woman, or it starts that way at least.

[1:08:51] And one of the physicists is more devoted to his work than the others, but as a result of that, he receives a life-threatening dose of radiation.

[1:09:01] And so he has to decide whether he's going to keep working and risk another dose that might kill him

[1:09:05] or he's going to try to survive and devote himself to his wife.

[1:09:10] But he believes the work he is doing is so important that it's hard to tear away.

[1:09:13] Like Dr. Manhattan?

[1:09:15] In a way, yeah, except instead of getting naked blue superpowers, he's just noticeably frailer.

[1:09:22] But for a movie that sounds a little dry from that – a story about a guy who's torn in Soviet Russia between saying he needs to design a new type of fusion reaction for the people and trying to decide between that and an emotional life.

[1:09:38] It sounds like it could be propagandistic or kind of flat, but actually the characters in it are very real-feeling and well-rounded.

[1:09:47] There's particularly a scene where the female character, after she marries one of the scientists, is lying in bed thinking about how she is a bad wife.

[1:09:56] She can't cook well. She can't clean well.

[1:09:58] And what it really is is that she's trying to figure out how she's going to survive.

[1:10:00] trapped in this role that she feels like she has to do but she's not really happy

[1:10:04] with but it's something that you wouldn't you don't see a lot of in

[1:10:08] movies I feel like a character turning on themselves that way their internal

[1:10:12] internal monologue over their relationship or whatever but anyway I

[1:10:17] bet there's a lot of funny jokes in it too and the title comes from the fact

[1:10:21] that all the scenes are set in nine days of this one year period and I guess I

[1:10:27] think it's actually a little bit more than the year but it'll be but it

[1:10:29] literally says like day one there's a little bit of narration and we see that

[1:10:32] day day two and we see the relevant scenes from that day months later and is

[1:10:37] it uh is it dubbed or do I have to read it you're gonna have to read it it's

[1:10:40] some teeth load but I think the entire movie is available on Mosfilm's YouTube

[1:10:45] channel possibly I think it's also a Mosfilm which is Moscow film I mean it

[1:10:51] was one of the big studio it's not moss like like growing on things because of

[1:10:57] moisture or the whole movie I think might be on in the criterion section

[1:11:01] streaming section of Hulu but it's well worth seeing nine days one year I

[1:11:06] highly recommend it all right well guys for being here I feel like we need to

[1:11:12] wrap up before Elliot's nose literally falls off its face get late and I am

[1:11:16] sure yeah and then it would be like another classic Russian story that

[1:11:20] knows by who go go oh yeah the guy wakes up his nose is missing and he finds that

[1:11:29] he can't turn into a cockroach he can't France Kafka French Kafka yep he finds

[1:11:39] that he's turned into a sexy roach who is trying he sees a cat with a stripe on

[1:11:44] its back and assumes it's a lady roach and he's trying to rape it Pepe let

[1:11:50] Joseph K that's what that's what's called a literary mashup yeah it's a

[1:11:54] regular Pride and Prejudice and Zombo's

[1:12:02] that's all bros thanks for zombies that were on bros soccer shorts thanks for

[1:12:10] being with us thanks to the contest winner Jason McIsaac for recommending

[1:12:17] from Justin to Kelly and fuck you for recommending to Kelly who are roasted

[1:12:23] and for the flop house I've been Dan McCoy for the flop house I've been

[1:12:29] Stuart Wellington from the flop house I'm Elliot Kaelin goodnight everyone

[1:12:35] blam

[1:12:41] good enough the flop house motto hey we're not getting paid for this good

[1:12:45] enough yeah so if it hurt a freaking B or the P call it a V or a C if you're

[1:12:59] nasty or the M or the E all right in a coffin going on

[1:13:09] might be the joke about a vampire it seems this vampire

Episode #167 - From Justin to Kelly

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