Episode #167 - From Justin to Kelly

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we watched From Justin to Kelly.

Stuart Wellington

[0:04] Are you sure we didn't accidentally steal a letter from someone's mail?

[0:07] From Kelly, Massachusetts to Justin, Massachusetts.

[0:11] I don't understand.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[0:42] Hey, guys.

[0:42] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:43] Hey, dudes.

[0:44] I'm Elliot Kalin, and I have a little bit of a cold, so I apologize if I sound even naslier

[0:48] than usual.

Dan McCoy

[0:50] So, normally, we watch a bad movie, and we talk about it.

[0:55] Getting right to business, huh?

[0:56] Here at the Flophouse Podcast.

[0:57] Here at Flophouse Industries Central.

[1:00] I normally said bad movie.

[1:02] It's a recent film.

[1:03] The last couple years.

[1:05] Yeah, the movie we watch and then talk about.

[1:06] Yeah, yeah.

[1:07] The bad movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08] It's a bat, I mean.

[1:09] A bat movie?

[1:10] It's a bat movie.

[1:12] Well, there's the movie Bats.

[1:13] That's pretty bad.

[1:13] Sure, that's the one where the name's upside down, right?

[1:16] Yeah, yeah, on the poster, because it's a bat.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18] Did that work?

[1:19] Nope.

[1:19] People didn't like it.

[1:21] They thought, best case scenario, they thought it was a movie about Australian bats.

[1:26] Worst case scenario, they thought they were walking on their heads.

[1:29] Some finger bra.

[1:31] But, wait.

[1:33] Walking on their heads?

[1:34] Yeah, yeah.

[1:35] Like that Lionel Richie song.

[1:36] Yeah, yeah.

[1:37] When you're walking on your heads, oh, you might be dead.

[1:45] No, normally we watch a newer.

[1:47] Use your feet instead.

[1:50] If you're walking on your head.

[1:53] A new or bad film.

[1:54] Your face is turning red.

[1:56] Got a nice baritone going with that.

Dan McCoy

[1:57] From the blood rushing to your head.

[2:01] Yeah.

[2:01] But in this case.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] My name's Lionel Richie.

[2:06] He used to say that during his songs.

[2:08] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] But in this case.

[2:11] What's different about this bad movie we watched?

[2:13] Well, this is a.

[2:14] What sets it apart?

[2:15] Contest episode.

[2:18] The winner of the new song of the autumn contest.

[2:23] Jason Michael McIsaac.

[2:25] You did a great job.

[2:26] I expect you to fuck it up.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] Yeah.

[2:28] I mean, a professional would have written it down.

[2:31] But Dan McCoy relies on the power of his often incompetent memory.

Dan McCoy

[2:35] My memory's fine.

[2:36] My tongue is the problem.

[2:38] But anyway.

[2:39] Problem tongue.

[2:40] Starring John Ritter and Dan McCoy.

[2:42] He wrote Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow.

[2:44] You've been hearing it.

[2:45] Well, he produced it.

[2:47] Every car you see passing by all autumn long.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] It's right up there with that all about the bass song.

[2:54] It's what you call an earworm.

[2:57] Oh, like in Star Trek 2.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] Nice.

[3:01] Dan?

[3:02] But because he won, he is entitled to two things.

[3:05] A t-shirt, which I have not yet gotten to him because it's all sold out online.

[3:11] And the picking of a movie.

[3:12] So just make him one.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] Get a Hanes white tee and write the flop house on it.

[3:15] Okay.

[3:16] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] Write in.

[3:17] Write in, Jason.

[3:19] Tell us whether that would be acceptable to you.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] Don't.

[3:21] No.

[3:22] Don't take the first offer.

[3:23] Go with something better.

[3:24] You get one of those like oversized t-shirts of a Looney Tunes character like all blinged

[3:29] out.

[3:30] And then sign that the flop house.

[3:32] They still make those?

Dan McCoy

[3:34] Are you his?

[3:34] I don't know.

[3:35] I assume I still see him on the subway.

[3:37] Are you his agent in this transaction?

[3:39] Yeah.

[3:39] I get 10% of the shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[3:42] I get one half of a sleeve.

[3:43] Take the sleeves.

[3:45] He's not going to need them.

[3:46] That's the best part.

Dan McCoy

[3:47] Leave the cannoli.

Elliott Kalan

[3:48] Take the sleeves.

Dan McCoy

[3:50] The other thing was he got to decide what movie we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] Oh, boy.

[3:54] Now, in the past, what contest winner movies have there been?

[3:57] Teen Witch?

[3:58] Teen Witch.

[3:59] Scarlet Letter.

[4:00] Baps.

[4:01] Baps.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] Baps.

[4:02] These are all the happiest millionaire.

[4:05] And so this choice, you know, it's the star's the limit.

[4:08] He could have said, hey, I'll be easy on the flop guys.

[4:11] I'll have them watch Star Wars.

[4:13] He could have said, hey, I'll be hard on the flop guys and have them watch Salo or the

[4:16] 120 Days of Sodom or Cannibal Holocaust or something.

[4:19] Instead, he went.

[4:20] Or nothing but trouble or something.

[4:22] Oh, God.

[4:22] I hope never, ever.

[4:24] Instead, he went kind of in the middle.

[4:26] Well, I will say.

[4:26] Well, not in the middle.

[4:27] It's bad.

[4:29] This is not a perfectly acceptable.

[4:31] I forgot that Star Wars was the upper bound that I had set.

Stuart Wellington

[4:35] I will say this for.

[4:36] This isn't like the King's Speech or something.

Elliott Kalan

[4:38] Yeah.

[4:38] No, yeah.

[4:39] Like a middle of the road, you know, fine movie.

[4:41] Saw it, enjoy it, forgot it.

[4:42] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[4:43] I will say this for the choice of From Justin to Kelly.

[4:46] It is a trim hour and 22 minutes.

[4:49] Perfect.

[4:49] Unlike The Happiest Millionaire, which was three hours long.

Elliott Kalan

[4:52] Fat three hours.

Dan McCoy

[4:53] However, this movie seemed to be as long, if not longer, than The Happiest Millionaire.

Elliott Kalan

[4:58] I gotta say, I remember a lot more of The Happiest Millionaire, a movie we saw years ago.

[5:02] Yeah, I remember it almost fondly.

[5:04] There's that alligator character, right?

[5:06] There's a ton of alligators.

[5:07] Let's not forget the song about Detroit.

[5:09] The song about Detroit that we got on the show once.

[5:12] Yeah, that's true.

[5:13] And this, Justin to Kelly, we literally watched it 15 minutes ago.

[5:17] Yep.

[5:17] And I only have a memory of like vaguely neon bathing suits dancing to poorly mixed songs on a beach somewhere.

[5:25] Those songs are gonna be in your memory forever.

Stuart Wellington

[5:27] I can't remember a single one.

[5:29] One of them was a rewritten version of That's the Way I Like It.

[5:32] See, I'm impressed you remembered that, because I had forgotten that song.

[5:34] It was the song that ends the movie.

[5:36] I know, I had forgotten it.

Elliott Kalan

[5:38] It's the climactic dance.

Dan McCoy

[5:40] Well, I wouldn't say it's climactic dance.

[5:42] I wouldn't say that this movie has a climax.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] This movie has a second act problem in that it has no act structure.

[5:49] There is the barest hint of a first act, and then I guess there's a third act in that it ends at some point,

[5:55] and the second act is more of a loose mishmash of vignettes.

[5:58] There's a couple of like, it's one of these, it's a spring break movie, and it's a throwback to the old beach movies where there's like a bunch of characters who have like...

Dan McCoy

[6:07] Your beach blanket bingos, or your how to stuff a wild bikini.

[6:10] Exactly, yeah.

[6:11] Your Dr. Goldfoot in the bikini.

[6:12] That's the name of a movie?

Elliott Kalan

[6:13] How to stuff a wild bikini, yeah.

[6:14] Yeah, most certainly it is.

[6:15] Isn't Buster Keaton in that one?

[6:17] Buster Keaton, maybe not that one.

[6:18] Buster Keaton's in a bunch of these beach movies.

[6:20] He's in a funny thing happen to the way to the forum.

[6:22] Not a beach movie.

[6:24] I mean, with the musical on the beach.

[6:26] Yeah, you're right, Dan.

[6:28] Sandals equals beach.

[6:29] I guess the Bible is the ultimate beach story.

[6:32] Well, look, all I know is that there's a resort called Sandals, so checkmate.

[6:37] I believe it was Jesus Christ who said, blessed are the surfers, they shall inherit some tubular waves.

[6:44] Dudes?

[6:45] Yeah, blessed are the dudes, for they shall be laid back in spirit.

[6:51] And he managed to feed a thousand people with only a handful of poi and one of those little shell necklaces that always make everyone look like douchebags when they wear them.

[7:02] Very judgy Jesus.

[7:03] Wow.

[7:04] He is the ultimate judge, Dan.

[7:05] That's true.

[7:07] Anyway, but it's a throwback to those movies where there's a group of characters who each have their thing they want to get.

Dan McCoy

[7:17] Everyone has a clearly desired want in this movie.

[7:20] I mean, it's mostly just a date.

[7:23] Yeah.

[7:23] It's mostly a girl or a guy.

Elliott Kalan

[7:24] It's also one of these movies that is clearly written for young people because there's a lot of talk about, like, I'm going to get with all these girls.

[7:32] I want your love all night long.

[7:34] But then, like, all they really want is a kiss on the cheek and to dance with each other.

Dan McCoy

[7:37] Yeah, this is, I mean.

[7:38] As opposed to.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] A hardcore fucking.

[7:41] I'm familiar with a.

[7:43] Penetration.

[7:43] On screen.

[7:45] Every position.

[7:46] Every orifice.

[7:48] It's called XXX parody from Justin DeKelley.

[7:53] Sure.

[7:54] Waterproof.

[7:55] Since porn titles now are very lame.

[7:58] Change Kelly to Jelly and you're close.

Stuart Wellington

[8:01] Just a Jelly?

[8:03] That's what you want in a porno title.

[8:05] It is.

[8:06] A condiment?

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] But I will say this.

[8:09] Have you seen Busty Ketchup's?

[8:12] Busty Ketchup's?

Dan McCoy

[8:13] It's got condiment in the title.

[8:14] Yeah.

[8:15] I am familiar with a much different type of spring break movie and this movie.

[8:20] Well, like the 80s spring break movies.

[8:21] Yeah.

[8:22] I mean, they're not that different.

Elliott Kalan

[8:23] Well, but an 80s spring break movie would be this kind of stuff, but it would be a lot

[8:27] of girls taking their tops off.

[8:28] Yes.

[8:28] People getting drunk.

[8:29] People getting high.

Dan McCoy

[8:30] This is the most, most like whitewashed, clean spring break movie.

[8:34] There is a scene where people have.

[8:36] Not a single character dies of a heroin overdose.

[8:38] There's a scene that involves a whipped cream bikini contest, but these might as well be like one

[8:44] piece whipped cream bikinis.

[8:46] They might as well be old timey.

[8:47] The only way.

[8:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:48] They could have gone to do an old timey like two piece gown bathing suit from the Coney Island

[8:53] days.

Dan McCoy

[8:53] Yeah.

[8:54] These are the, these are the most modest whipped cream bikinis you will ever see.

[8:59] You could wear one of these to church.

Elliott Kalan

[9:01] I guess if you don't worry about getting the pew dirty.

[9:04] Yeah.

[9:04] Varsity.

[9:05] From L.A.'s description of Jesus, I think it would fit.

[9:07] Yeah.

[9:08] Yeah.

[9:09] He was all about it.

[9:10] Varsity Blues.

[9:11] This is not when it comes to whipped cream bikinis.

Dan McCoy

[9:14] But yeah, should we go through the thinnest of plots?

Elliott Kalan

[9:17] This, this gossamer web of dreams that is the plot from Justin and Kelly.

[9:21] Oh yeah, it's a real Midsummer Night's Dream.

[9:23] Oh yeah.

[9:24] Well, hey look, if these dance numbers have offended, think just this and all, and all

[9:28] is mended.

[9:29] For while you watched here, it was a contractual obligation for everyone involved.

Stuart Wellington

[9:35] That doesn't mended anything.

[9:36] It's worth that concern.

[9:37] Justin is quite a puckish figure.

[9:40] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[9:40] Or maybe Greg Ziff's character.

[9:42] And Kelly is what, like a Titania or one of the Tinkers?

Dan McCoy

[9:47] You know, a Helena, a Hermia, one of those.

Elliott Kalan

[9:50] Hermione or Helena Bonham Carter.

[9:52] You got it?

[9:53] So here's the story.

[9:55] Kelly Clarkson is a waitress named Kelly who works in a bar in Texas.

[10:01] They, her friends convince her-

[10:03] Whoa, slow down Einstein.

[10:04] She wants to sing.

[10:06] This is a plot that goes nowhere.

[10:08] She has two friends, one of whom is a party girl and the other is black.

[10:11] Those are their personalities.

[10:13] Yeah.

[10:13] And they convince her to go to spring break with them.

[10:15] They go to spring break.

[10:16] This movie takes seven minutes to get to spring break.

[10:19] It's efficient.

[10:20] You got to say that.

[10:22] It does not waste time getting to spring break.

[10:24] And at spring break in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, there's three guys, Justin and his friends.

[10:31] Ryan was one of them.

[10:32] Brandon.

[10:33] Brandon is the party dude.

[10:36] The certified party dude.

[10:37] Brandon is a party dude who's always making money doing party planning and events and things like that and getting into trouble with the law.

[10:43] He's played by a babular cop.

[10:47] A Lucy Lawless type police officer.

[10:49] One of your real Karen Siskos.

[10:51] And they have another friend.

Dan McCoy

[10:53] His other friend is the only other type of guy.

[10:55] A feckless nerd.

Elliott Kalan

[10:56] A nerd who is not that smart but does have glasses and zinc on his nose.

[11:00] Yeah.

[11:00] And so here are the things that are all in front.

[11:02] The classic comic types.

[11:02] Kelly is looking to stay out of trouble.

[11:04] Her blonde friend is looking to, I guess, get fucked every which way but loose.

[11:08] She's constantly on the hunt for boys.

[11:10] And her other friend is just there.

[11:12] Again, her personality that she's black.

[11:15] And with the three guys, Brandon is trying to make money and get with the babes.

[11:20] He's some kind of sociopath.

[11:24] There's a part where he talks about how he can have no emotional connection with a woman, which he's bragging about because it means he leaves the babes quick.

[11:31] But he uses them and loses them.

Stuart Wellington

[11:33] It helps him in, like, iajutsu duels so that he can remain perfectly still and his opponent won't know he's about to strike.

Elliott Kalan

[11:39] Yeah, he's the kendo master who thought of him as a perfect tree.

[11:44] How can I strike you when you and the wood are one?

[11:48] And the nerd who is looking to meet up with his internet girlfriend, he's going to meet in person for the first time.

[11:55] And Justin, who's there to be there.

Dan McCoy

[11:58] He's just a dude.

[11:59] Like, he is a blank.

[12:01] There's a perfect blank character that has existed in movies.

[12:05] He's not even quite, like, the good guy, at least at first.

[12:08] He's not a bad guy.

[12:09] But he's just as interested in, like, having this whipped cream bikini contest as, like, the party dude.

[12:14] As a business opportunity, clearly.

Elliott Kalan

[12:16] Yeah.

[12:16] Well, and also, because they didn't really explain the mechanics of the whipped cream bikini contest.

[12:22] They just, they could have done the same thing wearing regular bikinis.

Stuart Wellington

[12:25] Dan, okay, wait.

Elliott Kalan

[12:28] Cold, okay.

[12:29] It's a little slippery.

[12:29] Slippery.

[12:30] Okay.

[12:30] It's a little bit.

[12:31] It's a little bit.

[12:31] And then what do I do now?

[12:33] Shake it.

Stuart Wellington

[12:34] Shake what the Lord gave you.

Elliott Kalan

[12:36] Like a Polaroid picture?

[12:37] Uh-huh.

[12:37] Or like you shouldn't with a baby?

[12:40] Either one, man.

[12:41] Okay, I'm shaking.

[12:42] What's going on?

[12:43] What's supposed to happen?

[12:44] I'm not feeling anything.

[12:45] The whipped cream's supposed to fly off.

[12:46] Yeah.

[12:47] It's actually quite secure.

[12:48] Are you sure this wasn't some sort of fast-drying epoxy?

[12:51] Oh, boy.

[12:52] Uh-oh.

[12:53] I'm going to have to chip this away after the podcast.

[12:56] Anyway, the guys and the girls keep bumping into each other.

[12:59] Kelly and Justin meet up on the beach, and it is instant chemistry, as we know, because

[13:04] they immediately start singing a song.

[13:06] It happens during the song, right?

[13:07] They're all singing a song about being on the beach looking for dates.

[13:10] Justin and Kelly see each other through a crowd.

[13:12] They walk towards each other because, I think as Dan pointed out, as we were watching it,

[13:16] the theme of this movie seems to be people walking through crowds or singing while walking towards

[13:20] the camera.

Dan McCoy

[13:21] Yeah.

[13:22] And also, it's important to say that all of the songs in this movie sound like either

[13:28] they could have been written for this movie or they could have been a pre-existing song

[13:32] that this movie has just used.

[13:35] I think there was a lot of-

[13:35] There's nothing distinctive about them.

Elliott Kalan

[13:36] A lot of what songwriters would call trunk songs in here, songs that they had lying around

[13:41] and had not found use for, and they threw them into this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[13:44] And all the songs are mixed weird, so it sounds like a song you'd hear on the radio and not

[13:48] like these two characters are actually singing.

[13:50] Yeah, it's hard to make out the lyrics.

Elliott Kalan

[13:52] But anyway, it's love at first sight, but uh-oh, through a series of complications,

[13:57] they can't get it together.

Stuart Wellington

[13:58] And it's in that first big dance number that we realize that this movie's going to be filled

[14:02] with nothing but very interesting supporting extras.

Elliott Kalan

[14:06] Let's take a moment to talk about, okay, this is not a good movie.

[14:08] The art of the extra.

[14:09] The main characters are bad.

[14:11] The extras in this movie are a constant entertainment.

[14:14] They are so overly into it.

[14:17] Like, you'll see characters just walking by in the background, swinging their arms around

[14:20] like no one has ever walked in the history of movement.

[14:22] Which is great.

Stuart Wellington

[14:23] It's like the director's like, well, my leads don't know the dance moves that well,

[14:27] so I'm going to put a snake woman in the background with a bandana on and have her flex like a

[14:32] crazy person.

Elliott Kalan

[14:33] There's a guy who's tap dancing on a table.

[14:35] You know what?

[14:36] Let's just have one of the spectators be dancing as if she's having an epileptic seizure.

Dan McCoy

[14:40] I've got one word for this movie.

[14:42] Upstaging.

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] Usually it's bad, but here.

[14:45] It's almost as if like there were two craft services tables.

[14:48] One for the stars and one for the extras.

[14:50] And the one for the extras was just dosed with acid.

[14:52] Just all of it.

[14:52] Acid and Coke and just like speed.

Stuart Wellington

[14:55] And speaking of craft services, the one scene that takes place in the kitchen features a

[15:01] chef taking slices of pizza and putting them on just a plate.

[15:05] Individual plates, right?

[15:06] Right next to a giant trough of like apples and bananas in a kitchen.

[15:12] I don't understand what this restaurant's focus is.

[15:15] That's why it's failing.

[15:16] Somebody get Gordon Ramsay in here.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] Stewart as a food services professional.

Stuart Wellington

[15:20] Yeah, I identified that people don't just serve a plate with a slice of pizza from a kitchen.

[15:24] At a sit down restaurant.

[15:26] Exactly.

[15:27] Your slice of pepperoni, sir.

Elliott Kalan

[15:29] Welcome to Slicey's, the restaurant that only serves things in slices.

[15:33] Can I have a Coke?

[15:35] Sorry, we only have slice soda.

Dan McCoy

[15:37] Or you could have a slice of Coke, but try not to cut yourself on the sharp can egg.

Elliott Kalan

[15:43] Wait, so they sliced up the soda like Shredder would do to prove that he has knives on his

[15:48] hands?

Dan McCoy

[15:48] Yeah, they slice it into little sections.

[15:50] Only the bottom section retains any Coke.

[15:53] Now, Dan, what...

[15:53] The middle sections are just legs filmers.

[15:56] Why don't they just freeze it?

Elliott Kalan

[15:57] That would make more sense.

[15:58] Yeah, if you're telling me a knife can cut through a soda can, I think you're crazy.

[16:02] What kind of wonderful knife could do that?

[16:04] Well, friend.

[16:05] Take a look at this.

[16:06] Ah, ah, he's wielding a knife from me.

[16:08] Bang, bang, bang.

[16:10] Bang, bang, bang, bang.

[16:11] Ow, ow.

[16:12] God, why?

[16:13] Why?

[16:14] Dan, you came at me with a knife.

[16:16] All I had to protect myself with was this soda can, and I know you could slice through

[16:20] that.

[16:21] Stuart, you saw it.

[16:22] You saw it.

[16:22] You saw the whole thing.

[16:23] You saw the whole thing.

Stuart Wellington

[16:24] I was too busy buying these knives.

[16:25] No!

[16:26] Bang, bang, bang, bang.

[16:28] Now I'm dying.

[16:29] Help me.

[16:30] Mom, I'm cold.

[16:32] All right.

[16:33] Here's a blanket, dear.

[16:36] That was a little...

[16:36] Mom, I was dying.

Dan McCoy

[16:39] A little taste of Flophouse Theater.

Elliott Kalan

[16:41] Yeah, a very little taste.

[16:43] There was very little there.

[16:44] A slice of Flophouse Theater.

[16:46] So, the extras are fantastic, but the foreground, not so much.

[16:50] Here's what happens in the movie.

[16:51] So, Kelly's friend, in quotes, because she's a bitch to her the whole movie, decides that

[16:57] she is going to...

[16:58] What's her name, like Brittany or Brianna or...

[17:00] It's probably like Skylar or Dakota or something like that, you know.

[17:04] Mitchington.

Stuart Wellington

[17:05] Mitchington.

[17:06] It's a first name?

Elliott Kalan

[17:08] It must have been a maiden name they turned into a first name.

[17:10] Kids these days, you know.

[17:12] They're kooky trend names.

[17:14] Anyway, so...

[17:15] She decides she's going to mess with Justin for no real reason.

[17:19] I guess because Justin's not interested in her.

[17:21] She is constantly angry that none of the guys are interested in her.

[17:24] And she just wants to get into all the parties.

Dan McCoy

[17:26] Which is weird, because she's set up as, like, kind of the Queen Bee character.

[17:30] And she's, like, you know, objectively and attractively.

[17:32] Like, it just seems odd that she's so obsessed...

[17:35] You're into her is what you're saying.

[17:36] With...

Elliott Kalan

[17:36] You were masturbating in your mind.

[17:38] It's weird casting.

Dan McCoy

[17:39] It's weird casting because...

[17:40] Here's what I'd say, Dan.

[17:41] Here's what I'd say.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] Weird casting because what?

Dan McCoy

[17:44] No, I think you're programmed to look at the woman who looks like that in this type of movie and think, like...

[17:49] The skinny blonde is supposed to be the one who's got it going on.

[17:51] She's going to be desirable to everybody.

[17:53] She also has a couple of...

Stuart Wellington

[17:55] She has a couple of musical numbers where people are carrying her around.

[17:59] But I think those all might take place in her mind.

Elliott Kalan

[18:02] Yeah, it's possible.

[18:03] Yeah, it's like an American Psycho type thing.

[18:05] Yeah.

[18:05] Is it really happening?

[18:06] Here's what I'd say about her.

[18:07] One, she comes on too strong.

[18:10] And even the most beautiful woman, which she is not, she's fine.

[18:13] But she's no...

[18:15] Just to pull the name out of my head, Carl Gugino.

[18:16] She's no Carl Gugino.

[18:18] But her personality just comes on too strong.

[18:21] And let's say...

[18:21] And there's no beauty in her heart.

[18:23] Exactly.

[18:23] Inner beauty is what really counts.

[18:24] Two, she's a big fish in a small pond.

[18:28] Now she's a small fish in a big pond.

[18:30] Maybe she's the heartbreaker of wherever they are.

[18:31] I mean, she's still the same size fish, though.

[18:33] But the pond's got bigger.

[18:35] Oh, that makes more sense.

[18:37] And as Obi-Wan said in...

[18:39] Was it...

[18:39] No.

[18:40] What's his face?

[18:41] The other guy in Phantom Menace.

[18:43] As Qui-Gon Jinn.

[18:43] As Qui-Gon Jinn said, there's always a bigger fish.

[18:47] I think he was talking about spring break, particularly.

[18:49] Yeah.

[18:50] So she is like...

[18:51] She's flailing.

[18:52] She's like, I'm used to people just flocking to me.

[18:54] But now there's all these other girls.

[18:56] I don't know what to do.

[18:58] I guess I'll play mind games.

[18:59] And so she kind of pointlessly just keeps sending Justin text messages as if she's Kelly

[19:05] saying, meet me here.

[19:06] I don't want to.

[19:07] Or just ignoring him.

Dan McCoy

[19:09] Maybe I zoned out.

[19:10] But did we talk about how...

[19:11] Wait, zoned out during the recording?

[19:13] Yes.

[19:14] It happens.

[19:14] Yeah.

[19:16] Did we talk about just how perfunctory Justin Kelly's meeting was and how little chemistry

[19:23] they have together?

[19:24] Well, let's talk about it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:25] Because...

[19:26] As I said to Dan, their chemistry leaps off the screen because I could see no evidence

[19:30] for it on the screen.

[19:32] I assumed it jumped away and scurried under a piece of furniture.

Dan McCoy

[19:35] Yeah.

[19:36] I mean, we saw this.

[19:37] We talked about them singing together.

[19:38] But the real meeting was Justin is running away from a flock of women who want his promotional

[19:45] wristbands to the Margarita Madness that he's putting on.

[19:49] Yeah.

[19:49] It's a great name.

Elliott Kalan

[19:50] Margaritas that drive you to madness.

Dan McCoy

[19:52] I think Lovecraft wrote about that.

[19:53] The Margaritas of Magnus.

[19:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:56] The old ones mixed a drink that was said to drive one man mad.

Dan McCoy

[20:01] It was lime, tequila, triple sec, and madness.

[20:06] Two parts Saturnian wine.

[20:10] Shog shabitters.

[20:12] So he runs into the ladies' room to hide from this pack of females and runs into Kelly.

[20:19] And they trade maybe five sentences.

[20:22] And there doesn't seem to be any particular sizzling chemistry.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] It might as well have been.

[20:27] The same amount of chemistry you'd get if Kelly was waiting for the bus and a homeless man

[20:31] came up to her, asked her for money.

[20:33] She said, I'm sorry, I don't have any.

[20:34] And he said, well, God bless you anyway, and walked away.

[20:36] That's about the chemistry they have.

Stuart Wellington

[20:37] See, a lifetime passes in those moments, guys.

[20:40] When their eyes meet.

[20:41] I understand.

[20:43] I think they probably edited that sequence out where they stared into each other's eyes.

[20:47] And they saw a future where they were having kids.

[20:51] Here's what Wade made that scene.

[20:52] Those kids were growing old.

[20:53] And they were growing old.

[20:54] And then they turned into worm food.

[20:56] And then those worms grew old.

Elliott Kalan

[20:56] They saw their reflection and a landslide coming down.

[20:59] Shut up.

[21:00] They were getting older, too.

[21:01] I told you to be quiet with that shit.

[21:03] No more Fleetwood Mac.

[21:05] So here's what Wade made that scene work.

[21:08] If they looked into each other's eyes and suddenly we flashed back to Justin and Kelly

[21:11] throughout time.

[21:13] Throughout history.

[21:14] Cave Justin and Cave Kelly being together.

[21:17] Medieval times, Justin and Kelly Roman times.

[21:20] It's like a Mists of Avalon type thing.

[21:22] They've always been lovers throughout history.

[21:23] And now they're once again lovers.

[21:25] And he has snakes tattooed on his wrists.

[21:28] You know, Mists of Avalon-like again.

[21:29] Sure.

[21:30] That would have made...

[21:31] The rest of the movie would have made more sense.

[21:33] Because it was like, oh, okay.

[21:33] So their souls are fated to be together for eternity.

[21:35] Like Hawkman and Hawkgirl.

[21:37] The two most boring people in the world were fated to be together.

[21:41] God's like, I'll save anyone of interest from these people by having them be in love.

[21:45] That's the thing.

Stuart Wellington

[21:45] Sometimes when you know somebody so perfectly, it gets a little boring.

[21:49] Because you have nothing to talk about.

Elliott Kalan

[21:50] You gotta spice it up with a whipped cream bikini contest.

[21:54] So sayeth Jesus whipped cream.

[21:56] And that's...

[21:57] I think those are the plots.

[21:59] By the end of the movie, the minor obstacles...

[22:02] Oh, and also, the other friend starts going out with a waiter.

[22:06] She gets him fired from his job by talking back to his boss.

[22:08] And then he gets a new job.

[22:09] And they make up.

Stuart Wellington

[22:10] And that aforementioned great kitchen scene.

[22:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[22:12] And the kitchen scene where, again, the most interesting thing about it was the nonsensical food service going on in the background.

Stuart Wellington

[22:19] Like the extra dish on this pizza, he's like, I guess I should just start putting it on plates.

[22:25] Gotta do something with these hands.

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] I can't just stand here staring at a pizza.

Stuart Wellington

[22:31] Stand here staring at my hands wondering what they could be doing.

[22:34] Because that would look crazy.

[22:36] Strangling somebody?

Elliott Kalan

[22:38] He just starts walking up to the stars with his hands out as if to strangle them.

[22:42] Excuse me, what are you doing, extra number two?

[22:45] Oh, it's just a bit of business I came up with?

Dan McCoy

[22:47] My backstory is I hate these characters and I want to strangle them.

Elliott Kalan

[22:53] Maybe we should get a different idea.

[22:54] That doesn't really fit with the rest of the story.

[22:58] So by the end of the movie, everything's okay.

Dan McCoy

[22:59] Yeah.

[23:00] Well, the thing is, the original beach movies that these sort of, as we were saying, are an updating of,

[23:07] like, they had featherweight plots and the obstacles.

[23:10] And featherweight bathing suits.

[23:12] And the obstacles in front of the young lovers were ridiculous and stupid.

[23:17] But even by that standard, there is almost no reason why there's obstacles.

[23:23] There's like two obstacles in the whole movie.

Elliott Kalan

[23:26] And one of them is a hovercraft basketball tournament.

[23:31] That is, don't, now your mind just heard hovercraft basketball tournament and you thought, awesome, wrong.

[23:36] It is the most boring thing I've maybe ever seen.

Dan McCoy

[23:39] Two hovercrafts, you know, like circling each other at like middle speed while people try and throw balls into the opposite hovercraft.

Stuart Wellington

[23:47] With a very complicated rule system.

Dan McCoy

[23:50] It's very elaborate.

Elliott Kalan

[23:51] There's bonus points for things.

[23:53] It doesn't make sense.

Dan McCoy

[23:55] Yeah.

[23:55] I've seen like episodes of Small Wonder.

[23:57] I've seen things you can only imagine.

Stuart Wellington

[24:00] Of course, she's a fucking robot, dude.

[24:03] Yeah.

[24:03] Conflict is bound to arise between organics and synthetics.

[24:06] And not to mention her programming.

Dan McCoy

[24:08] She thinks of everything so literally.

[24:09] It's like she's an Amelia Bedelia robot almost.

Elliott Kalan

[24:12] Do you think she's programmed with the three laws of robotics?

[24:14] Like if Small Wonder.

[24:15] I hope so.

[24:16] If there was a fire and Small Wonder wanted to get away and her owner was like, no, Small Wonder.

[24:24] I order you to stay in that fire.

[24:26] She'd be like, law two overrides law three.

[24:30] My own survival is superseded by my need to obey human commands.

[24:35] I'm dying.

[24:36] Do you think that would happen?

Dan McCoy

[24:38] I think that's probably the last series finale of Small Wonder.

[24:43] I have to assume so.

Elliott Kalan

[24:45] So here's the thing.

[24:47] The Rolling Stones may have said you can't always get what you want.

[24:50] But everyone in Justin Tickeli gets what they want.

[24:52] Who's right?

Stuart Wellington

[24:55] Thoughts?

[24:56] Discussion?

[24:56] So next time that song pops up on Pandora, thumbs down.

Dan McCoy

[25:00] Yeah.

[25:01] You pose a very stupid philosophical question, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[25:04] Now, there's a lot of stuff in here, too, that's like beach movie tropes that they do very lazily.

[25:09] Someone tans for too long and gets burned.

[25:11] Somebody's chased by another girl's boyfriend who's a big guy.

[25:15] There's some mistaken identity.

[25:18] There's bikinis, but even those are kind of given short shrift.

[25:21] There's a poor attempt at beach volleyball.

[25:24] Yeah.

[25:24] Yeah, very poor.

[25:25] There's a sandcastle in one scene.

Dan McCoy

[25:28] Can I say one of the things that irritated me in this movie?

[25:32] Nope, not what we're here for.

[25:33] Okay, well.

[25:34] You're supposed to tell us two truths and a lie about yourself.

[25:37] Okay.

[25:39] Let's see.

[25:40] I lived two blocks away from a dairy farm.

[25:47] Now?

[25:48] In Brooklyn?

[25:48] Hey, let him finish.

[25:50] Okay.

[25:50] This is going to eat up some minutes.

[25:52] So, Dan, what were you going to say?

[25:53] I can't even think of truths about myself.

[25:54] It's a weird thing.

Elliott Kalan

[25:56] Because you've been living a lie for so long.

[25:58] Who is Dan McCoy?

[25:59] You look in the mirror and you don't even recognize yourself.

[26:01] Because you have a beard now.

[26:02] Anyway, so what was the thing that irritated you?

Dan McCoy

[26:05] No, early on when the nerd is checking into the hotel, he's like trying.

Elliott Kalan

[26:11] One of the least nerdy nerds in the history of film.

[26:13] Yeah.

[26:14] He is a handsome dude with abs who has glasses.

[26:17] He's ripped, dude.

[26:18] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:19] He's complaining about how he can't get online.

[26:22] And he holds up his old rotary phone.

[26:25] And he's like, how am I supposed to get online?

[26:27] There's not even any buttons on this thing.

[26:30] And the other two characters kind of roll their eyes at each other.

[26:33] But that's not how it works.

[26:34] He would have just taken the phone jack out of the wall and plugged his Ethernet cable into that.

[26:40] Well, if they had an Ethernet setup.

[26:42] The actual phone has no.

[26:43] No, but if it was a dial-up thing, you just plug it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:45] Yeah, but here's the thing.

[26:47] He didn't even seem to bring a computer or his own cell phone.

Stuart Wellington

[26:51] Yeah, no point does he have a computer on him.

[26:54] Now, remember.

Dan McCoy

[26:55] Like, if you're going to, like, go through the trouble of doing that stupid gag, at least fact check your gag.

[26:59] Now, let's remember when this movie came out.

Elliott Kalan

[27:01] It was 2003.

[27:03] Yeah.

[27:03] So, cell phone technology wasn't what it is now.

[27:06] Laptops weren't what they are now.

[27:08] And also, this is post-9-11.

[27:10] Oh, right.

[27:12] And, you know, maybe he is just trying to stay safe, not attract the attention of terrorists.

[27:16] That's my only guess.

[27:17] Because otherwise, why wouldn't he bring his computer with him?

Dan McCoy

[27:20] Wait, so what do you think he was doing with the phone if he wasn't actually picking his computer up to it?

Elliott Kalan

[27:25] I got to assume he was tracking down leads.

Stuart Wellington

[27:29] Doing some old shoe leather police work.

Elliott Kalan

[27:33] Maybe he's going to pick it up and hit somebody with it.

[27:39] Nothing in the movie really makes that much sense.

[27:42] All right.

[27:42] The characters are, there's a scene with the aforementioned pizza in the background scene where the busboy's girlfriend, one of Kelly's friends,

[27:49] is just hanging out with him in the kitchen while he's working.

[27:52] And it's like, do people routinely bring their girlfriends to hang out with them in their kitchen of the restaurant?

[27:56] Hope the fucking food and health inspectors don't show up.

[27:59] What's this girl in a bathing suit doing here?

[28:02] Really?

[28:02] Like, there's a scene where...

[28:03] What is this, that John Updike story where the guy quits his job because the girl in a bathing suit gets kicked out of the supermarket?

[28:09] I couldn't remember the title of it.

Stuart Wellington

[28:10] A&P is the name of the story.

[28:12] There's a great scene where the Queen Bee character goes to Margarita Madness or whatever,

[28:18] goes to by Brandon?

[28:20] Yeah, Brandon.

[28:20] Is his name Brandon?

[28:22] And basically...

[28:22] Brandon Tarticle.

[28:23] She just, she shows up, she gets free entrance to this Margarita Madness, I guess they call it,

[28:28] and then immediately dumps a bunch of drinks on her head.

[28:31] End of scene.

[28:32] That is the last we hear about this.

[28:34] She was only there to be humiliated.

Elliott Kalan

[28:35] Much like a Thomas Hardy character, she exists only to be buffeted by the winds of fate.

Stuart Wellington

[28:39] You were buffeted by the winds of fate, Batman.

Elliott Kalan

[28:43] Not Tom Hardy the actor.

[28:48] Thomas Hardy the writer.

[28:52] Wait, what?

[28:53] Tessa the Doberville?

[28:55] So, did you read Return of the Native Batman?

[29:01] This is a movie that we watched.

[29:02] Would you think the mayor of Casterbridge brings his dismay upon himself, Batman?

[29:08] Why so formal, Mr. Wayne?

[29:12] I'm really more of a poet at heart.

[29:14] It's still happening.

[29:15] Anyway, you're saying?

[29:16] No, I was...

[29:17] Bronson and so forth.

Dan McCoy

[29:18] I was not really saying.

[29:20] I was struggling for something to say about this movie because it's so thin.

Elliott Kalan

[29:23] This is a lightweight movie.

[29:26] It's like, this is...

Dan McCoy

[29:27] This movie has seven minutes of plot.

Elliott Kalan

[29:29] And they stretch it out to an hour and 22 minutes.

[29:31] There's some great outfits.

[29:33] Oh, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:34] Kelly wears some interesting shirts.

[29:36] At one point, she looks like she should be stepping up to the streets.

Dan McCoy

[29:42] Yeah.

[29:43] Or 3D.

[29:44] She looks like she should be like...

[29:45] She's kind of like an anime character who's at a Tokyo Drift race.

[29:52] But also, she's got kind of like a weird spangly Day of the Dead shirt on.

[29:55] So, that's interesting, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[29:57] Sure.

[29:58] Another one looks like she should be draped around Johnny Depp's neck.

[30:02] Okay.

[30:04] So, good work, Kelly Clarkson.

Elliott Kalan

[30:06] On that?

[30:07] I mean, you can see from watching the movie that everyone was doing this because they had to.

[30:12] It feels like everyone involved was doing this because they signed a contract at some point to do a movie.

[30:18] And nobody really wanted to do it.

[30:19] And the most interesting thing about the movie to me is that reading on Wikipedia, this feels like...

[30:24] Wikipedia.

[30:25] I was about to cough.

[30:27] And then, yeah, Wikipedia.

[30:29] My friend Pete, but he'll believe whatever you tell him.

[30:32] So, there's a...

[30:34] You'd assume this movie, it's an American Idol tie-in, basically.

[30:37] That this movie was made to sell a soundtrack album.

[30:40] They recorded one and it was not released because the movie did so poorly, they figured no one would want to buy the soundtrack.

[30:46] So, it's interesting to me that the reason you'd think this would be existing didn't come about.

Dan McCoy

[30:52] Yeah.

[30:53] And I...

[30:54] Look.

[30:55] I find Justin Guarini utterly charmless.

[30:59] Kelly Clarkson, I like a little bit.

[31:03] Maybe it's just that I'm fond.

[31:04] I like some of her songs.

[31:06] Since You've Been Gone is a good song.

[31:07] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[31:08] There's that one about how she doesn't hook up.

[31:11] I'm against the anti-hooking up message of the song, but I'm pro the tune.

Elliott Kalan

[31:15] What about that song, Tusk?

Stuart Wellington

[31:16] Yeah.

[31:16] That's pretty good.

[31:17] That's it again.

[31:18] I fucking told you guys.

[31:22] No more of Leawood Mac.

Dan McCoy

[31:24] Yeah.

[31:24] The callback to stuff that happened before we started taping the show.

Elliott Kalan

[31:28] But so, okay, so you like Kelly Clarkson.

[31:31] Who else did you like in the movie?

Dan McCoy

[31:33] There was a busty extra in the back of one of those bar scenes.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] And there was a bar...

[31:37] Let me tell you this.

[31:38] This is the problem with a beach movie, is that if you're a guy watching it, you're

[31:42] never going to be distracted by the women in the background.

[31:44] But they really didn't give you much in the foreground to fight that.

[31:48] Yeah.

[31:48] What am I going to look at this, nerd with a weird Kangol fisherman hat?

[31:52] Yeah, come on.

[31:52] At this point, at a certain point, the movie becomes like some kind of pervy Where's Waldo,

[31:56] where you're searching through the crowd for boobs?

Dan McCoy

[31:59] Desperately for something to at least hold your penis's interest.

[32:03] Could be a urinal.

[32:04] Doesn't have to be boobs.

[32:08] That, you know, that appeals to me.

[32:11] That's part of my interest.

[32:13] Is that a medical diagnosis, disinterested penis?

[32:17] I've suffered from it before.

Elliott Kalan

[32:21] Okay, that's the truth.

[32:22] That's the other truth you were searching for earlier.

Dan McCoy

[32:25] Yeah, we should...

Elliott Kalan

[32:26] So, From Justin to Kelly should have been returned to sender.

[32:30] Oh, boy.

[32:31] I'm Gene Shallott.

[32:33] I'm Gene Shallott's.

[32:37] That's when you make them out of food.

[32:39] At my film critic...

[32:40] I mean, only one food item.

[32:41] At my film critic-themed restaurant.

[32:43] What, it's like a pair of jeans with shallots in the pockets?

[32:46] Exactly.

[32:47] It's a pocket full of shallots.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] That's a good musical song, a pocket full of shallots.

[32:52] Yeah, by the spin doctors.

[32:56] Three shallots in a fountain.

Elliott Kalan

[32:58] There's also the Pauline kale.

[33:00] That's a very popular side dish.

Dan McCoy

[33:03] Yeah.

[33:04] So...

[33:06] Yeah.

[33:08] Yeah, what's going on?

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] And put a dollop of Stanley Kalf mayonnaise on that.

[33:11] Gene Sisk eel?

[33:13] Is that...

[33:13] Sure, I guess.

[33:15] Is that at the sushi bar in my critic-themed restaurant?

Dan McCoy

[33:18] And, of course, the Roger Sherbert.

Elliott Kalan

[33:19] Anyway, moving on, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[33:22] So, we should do our final judgments on this movie.

[33:26] Whether it was a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie.

[33:28] Ayo, hot sauce.

[33:29] Or a movie...

[33:30] Perfect.

[33:30] We kind of liked.

[33:32] Stuart, what do you say?

Stuart Wellington

[33:36] Wait, what are the categories again?

[33:37] Is it good, bad?

[33:39] Totally beachifying.

[33:41] Scarily snored.

[33:42] Kind of like...

[33:43] Uh...

[33:44] No, this is a bad, bad movie.

[33:47] I was hoping that there would be more wackiness.

[33:50] There's a few wacky chases when this certified party expert...

[33:55] I'd like to see his credentials.

[33:59] Runs afoul of a beautiful local law enforcement officer...

[34:03] Cutlet?

[34:04] Cutler.

[34:05] Cutler.

[34:06] The Callahan character, if this was...

[34:09] Dirty Harry Callahan?

[34:10] Dirty...

[34:11] Isn't that from Police Academy?

[34:13] More like flirty Harry Callahan.

[34:16] Isn't that the blonde woman, the babe from Police Academy?

[34:19] I don't remember.

[34:19] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[34:20] All I remember is the guy with the special effects noises and the...

[34:23] And Hightower, was that a character?

Stuart Wellington

[34:26] And Zed?

[34:27] Zed, yeah.

[34:28] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[34:29] And then later on, Bobcat Goldthwait.

[34:31] Later in the series.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] Yeah, I mean, later.

[34:33] He's in multiples of them.

[34:35] He came in pretty early.

[34:36] It was, what, the second movie?

Stuart Wellington

[34:37] Yeah, but he didn't become part of the gang until number three.

[34:40] That's true.

Elliott Kalan

[34:41] And let's not forget the star of it all, America's police.

[34:47] The concept of law enforcement.

[34:50] Anyway, Dan, so Stuart, you said it's a bad, bad movie.

[34:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:54] Yeah.

[34:54] I agree.

[34:55] I had high hopes for this to be a good, bad movie because of its reputation as one of

[35:01] the worst movies ever.

[35:03] And it lived up to that, but in the wrong way.

[35:07] Yeah.

[35:07] It was so thin that it did not keep my interest.

[35:10] And for a movie that was an hour and 22 minutes, it seemed...

[35:15] Felt like a lifetime.

[35:16] It felt like it was infinitely long.

Stuart Wellington

[35:18] Like you're staring into Justin Guarini's eyes and seeing your babies together.

Elliott Kalan

[35:21] If a doctor tells you you have an hour and 22 minutes to live, fire up from Justin Dikelli

[35:26] because you will, one, wish for the sweet release, and two, you'll feel like you're immortal.

[35:33] Time will stretch on forever.

[35:34] It's like you're in a white void with no sensory elements whatsoever.

[35:39] So you have no idea if a second has passed or a million years.

[35:42] So I'm going to say bad, bad movie also.

[35:44] It kind of barely reached the minimum standards for being a movie.

[35:47] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[35:50] So move on.

[35:51] So from Justin Dikelli, no such address.

Elliott Kalan

[35:55] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[35:56] Thanks again for that.

[35:58] So before we go on to letters...

[36:01] There are a couple things, a couple shows, promote.

[36:06] When this is...

[36:08] The day that this is dropping is the day that I'm appearing at Videology in Williamsburg.

Elliott Kalan

[36:14] And that's Saturday, December...

[36:16] The 13th.

Dan McCoy

[36:17] Yeah.

[36:18] For the Slate Holiday Party.

[36:20] September...

Elliott Kalan

[36:20] No, Saturday the 13th was the movie about the very late slasher killer who could never make it on time to things.

[36:26] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:28] I mean, there is Saturday.

[36:29] Oh, damn it.

[36:29] It's Saturday the 14th, right?

[36:31] Yeah, there is...

[36:31] That is a...

[36:33] Oh, is it?

[36:33] Which is like Transylvania 6-5000.

Elliott Kalan

[36:35] Oh, I don't know that one.

[36:36] Well, forget it.

[36:37] I like Saturday the 13th more.

[36:38] Anyway.

[36:39] Point is...

[36:40] Go tell that movie to change its title.

[36:42] So that's still happening.

Stuart Wellington

[36:42] Wait, which one has Ed Beagley Jr. in it?

[36:44] Beagley?

[36:45] You're like a Beagle voice.

Elliott Kalan

[36:48] You're awfully Beagley, Ed.

[36:50] So, Dan, this is at Videology in Brooklyn.

Dan McCoy

[36:52] Yeah.

[36:53] Saturday, December 13th.

[36:55] It may well be sold out, but check online.

[36:57] Go anyway.

Elliott Kalan

[36:58] Get turned away at the door for your master Dan.

[37:00] You're just fucking tempting him now.

Dan McCoy

[37:02] But also, we have our live show coming up, and we've got a big announcement.

Elliott Kalan

[37:06] January 9th...

[37:08] Let me do this properly.

[37:09] Okay.

[37:10] January 9th, 2015.

[37:12] Podcasting history is about to be made.

[37:14] The world is in ruins.

[37:17] And only three men...

[37:18] New York is a wasteland run by biker gangs.

[37:23] And also the mayor.

[37:25] Awesome.

[37:26] At the Bell House in Gowanus, Brooklyn, at 10 p.m., you and a friend, if you buy tickets together...

[37:34] And have friends.

[37:35] ...are invited to see the first ever live recording of a Flophouse podcast episode.

[37:42] Not a movie riffing show.

[37:43] You will not watch a movie with the Flophouse gang.

[37:47] But you will watch us record a real episode so that your laughs will be recorded for history.

[37:54] And Dan, I think we were going to announce...

Dan McCoy

[37:56] Or her story.

[37:57] If you're a lady, yeah.

[37:58] Yeah.

[38:00] Yeah, we're going to announce what movie we're going to watch.

[38:02] What movie?

[38:03] Stuart's idea.

[38:04] Fucking drumroll or something?

Elliott Kalan

[38:05] He gets all the blame and the glory.

[38:07] I just hit the table and sounded terrible.

Stuart Wellington

[38:08] We're going to be watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Toidals.

Elliott Kalan

[38:14] The movie?

[38:15] Yeah, the remake.

[38:16] The new one.

[38:17] The new one.

[38:18] 2014.

Dan McCoy

[38:18] Not the old Jim Henson Creature Shop version.

Elliott Kalan

[38:20] A Michael Bay production.

[38:22] Yeah.

[38:23] Starring Mahon Fox.

Stuart Wellington

[38:26] And four radical turtles.

[38:29] And Elias Codius as Casey Jones.

[38:31] I don't think Elias Codius did it.

Elliott Kalan

[38:33] Wait, what?

[38:33] No, but David Fickner is in it, right?

Stuart Wellington

[38:35] Yeah.

[38:36] As Shredder.

[38:37] William Fickner.

[38:38] William Fickner.

[38:38] David Fickner's brother.

[38:41] William Fickner as Shredder.

[38:43] So if you're going to be coming to the show, try and watch that shitty movie in advance.

Elliott Kalan

[38:47] Or possibly great movie in advance.

[38:49] And the show is, we will as always have watched the movie mere minutes before going out on stage.

[38:54] So we'll stumble on the stage in a daze.

Dan McCoy

[38:57] We are going to do a few things just for the live audience.

[39:01] Give them a little extra.

Elliott Kalan

[39:02] And tickets are selling fast.

[39:03] As of this recording, I think there is about 70 or less tickets left.

[39:09] Flophouse record.

[39:10] 70 or fewer.

[39:11] Thanks, Mr. Grammar.

[39:13] Dictionary Brown.

[39:15] Oh, the police chief wished he could tell everybody about his brilliant son,

[39:17] who was a real pedantic ass, correcting everybody's grammar.

[39:21] But that would mean admitting that Dictionary Brown was his son.

Stuart Wellington

[39:25] He must have stood upon the iced cube.

Elliott Kalan

[39:31] This is a case for the attorney's general.

[39:38] Bugs Meany couldn't actually be collecting money for an expedition to the Ozarks,

[39:43] because I comes before E, except after C.

Dan McCoy

[39:47] I'm afraid Bugs Meany affect and affect are two different words.

Elliott Kalan

[39:53] Bugs Meany has to be wrong about the sunken pirate treasure,

[39:56] because flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

[39:59] So anyway, we'll be watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[40:03] We will also be doing a few things, like Dan said,

[40:06] just for the live audience that will not be in the recording.

[40:09] So that's another thing to get you there,

[40:11] if being a part of Flophouse history isn't enough.

[40:14] Yeah.

[40:15] And I think there'll be other surprises.

[40:18] Surprise guests?

Dan McCoy

[40:20] No.

[40:20] Choreographed dances?

[40:21] Nope.

[40:23] I mean, there might be some unchoreographed dances.

[40:25] There almost certainly will be.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] So January 9th, the Flophouse live,

[40:31] talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[40:35] Rated R, maybe?

Dan McCoy

[40:37] Playing at your house.

[40:40] For prep.

[40:41] So now it's time for letters.

Elliott Kalan

[40:46] Wait, can I plug something?

[40:48] Sure.

[40:49] This is coming out after it was released,

[40:51] but in case you hadn't heard,

[40:52] or you don't remember from the last episode,

[40:54] my first Spider-Man comic,

[40:55] Spider-Man the X-Men number one,

[40:57] came out Wednesday of this week.

[40:58] So go out to your comic store.

[41:00] If it's sold out, order a new one.

Dan McCoy

[41:03] Yes, I read it.

[41:04] Stuart read it.

[41:06] I read it while Stuart was sitting next to me

[41:09] talking to my wife.

[41:10] I was rude, and I said,

[41:12] no thank you.

[41:13] You missed that entire conversation.

[41:15] I'll be reading Elliot's comic.

Elliott Kalan

[41:17] Dan, I think you just,

[41:18] you may have just set up your possible winning entry

[41:21] in the most boring story competition of 2014.

Stuart Wellington

[41:25] A late entry, you know,

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] the deadline was coming up.

[41:28] I think you've got a strong-

[41:29] I'm going to have to show a long list around.

[41:30] You've got a strong chance now.

[41:32] That is, that's going to-

[41:33] What an unnecessary slam.

[41:36] A late entry onto my top five

[41:38] most boring stories of the year.

Stuart Wellington

[41:41] Under Elliot Kalin,

[41:42] lyrical themes,

[41:43] unnecessary slams.

Dan McCoy

[41:44] Most unnecessary dickishness award.

[41:48] Can I plug one more thing?

[41:50] Is it plugs?

[41:51] Is it-

Elliott Kalan

[41:52] Yeah, this light is a little shaky.

[41:55] Let me just plug that in.

[41:56] All right, thank you.

[41:57] Okay, done.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] So, this is Letters,

[42:04] where we talk to you

[42:05] through the medium of letters.

[42:07] Wait, no, that's not how it works.

Elliott Kalan

[42:08] And I'll tell you how it works.

[42:10] You sent us the letter

[42:11] and now we'll read it.

[42:13] Talking to you over podcast town.

[42:17] Flying over podcast town

[42:18] in our podcast Zeppelin.

[42:21] Everyone with a podcast has got one.

[42:24] And we're watching you sleep

[42:25] and make love at night.

[42:27] From the skies in our podcast Zeppelin

[42:29] over podcast town.

[42:31] Mail us your letters

[42:32] and we'll read them

[42:33] on the airwaves.

[42:35] Then we'll answer them

[42:36] and we'll share waves

[42:38] with you on the beach

[42:40] like Justin and Kelly

[42:41] at spring break.

[42:42] These are letters

[42:44] from you

[42:45] that we will now read.

[42:48] Letters in the sky.

Dan McCoy

[42:49] Thank you for allowing us

[42:50] that little concession break

[42:52] while you were-

[42:53] So, this first letter

[42:56] is titled

[42:57] Poster for Rocket Crocodile.

[43:00] And from Tristan

[43:01] last name with hell.

Elliott Kalan

[43:02] It's better

[43:04] be Drew Struzan.

[43:05] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[43:06] Well,

[43:07] Tristan says,

[43:09] Flophouse,

[43:10] please let Mr. Elliot Kalin

[43:11] know that the poster

[43:12] for his project

[43:13] Rocket Crocodile

[43:14] and the World of Tomorrow

[43:15] is ready.

[43:17] The untouched proof

[43:18] has been sitting on my desk

[43:19] gathering dust

[43:20] and I haven't heard anything.

[43:22] I know he got my invoices

[43:23] and he promised payment

[43:24] would be forthcoming.

[43:25] That was just over a year ago

[43:27] when we were still doing

[43:29] concept sketches.

[43:30] He can't just ignore

[43:31] the people he hires.

[43:32] Just because I'm a freelancer

[43:33] doesn't mean he doesn't

[43:34] have to pay me.

[43:35] What happened to the man

[43:36] who was bankrolling

[43:36] the school venture, Elliot?

[43:38] Was there ever even

[43:40] a Dr. John Jay name withheld?

[43:42] Were you going to be able

[43:43] to pay the frankly ludicrous

[43:44] $700,000 for the upfront work

[43:46] me and the rest of your

[43:47] so-called creative team

[43:48] did for you?

[43:49] I'm beginning to doubt it.

[43:51] I mean, one,

[43:51] maybe $200,000

[43:52] for a poster

[43:53] of this majestic quality?

[43:54] Sure.

[43:54] But your set decorator

[43:55] is drunk constantly.

[43:56] The costume designer

[43:57] is homeless

[43:58] and hadn't bathed in weeks.

[43:59] The entire hair

[43:59] and makeup department

[44:00] was a shoddy attempt

[44:01] to conceal a major

[44:02] drug trafficking operation

[44:03] and I think the VFX guy

[44:06] was a middle schooler

[44:07] playing around

[44:08] with a four-year-old

[44:08] copy of After Effects.

[44:10] I mean,

[44:11] accusations have been launched.

[44:13] I see now

[44:13] that this project of yours

[44:14] was never meant to be

[44:15] and the idea

[44:16] that I could get

[44:17] a huge windfall out of it

[44:18] was a fool's errand.

[44:19] I don't even give a damn

[44:20] anymore about getting paid.

[44:21] Obviously,

[44:22] that was just a con and a lie.

[44:23] Just come pick up

[44:24] this poster.

[44:25] I'm going to use it

[44:26] to align my cat's litter box.

[44:28] With great affection,

[44:29] Tristan,

[44:29] last name was held.

[44:30] And there's a poster here

[44:32] which I'll put up

[44:33] with the show

[44:34] but here you go.

[44:36] Wow,

[44:36] that's a pretty amazing poster.

Elliott Kalan

[44:38] Can we buy it on

[44:39] Mondo.com?

[44:40] That's pretty great.

[44:41] I kind of want to frame that.

[44:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:44] That's pretty fantastic.

[44:45] I kind of feel like

[44:45] there should be a t-shirt.

Elliott Kalan

[44:46] Yeah,

[44:47] there should definitely

[44:48] be a t-shirt.

Dan McCoy

[44:49] I wonder whether we can actually...

[44:49] It really captures everything

Elliott Kalan

[44:51] that I love about Rocky Crocodile.

[44:52] The crocodiles,

[44:53] the wisecracking zebras,

[44:54] the future,

[44:55] the nudity,

[44:55] everything.

[44:57] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:57] Yeah,

[44:58] that's true.

[44:59] I think this must be

[45:00] Carly Gugino nude

[45:01] behind this...

Elliott Kalan

[45:02] And the other one

[45:03] is Gina Gershon,

[45:04] I assume.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] Yeah,

[45:04] behind this...

[45:05] They're in like every scene nude.

[45:07] Yeah.

[45:07] There's a lot of bending over

[45:08] to pick things up.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Well,

[45:12] here,

[45:12] let me just say

[45:13] there were some misunderstandings

[45:15] and promises were made

[45:16] about the movie

[45:17] and its crew

[45:17] that maybe couldn't have been fulfilled

[45:19] but feel better

[45:20] that someday this poster

[45:21] will see the light of day

[45:22] in the surprisingly

[45:24] striking documentary

[45:26] Elliot Kalin's

[45:27] The World of Tomorrow.

[45:28] It's about

[45:29] maybe one of the greatest movies

[45:31] that was never made,

[45:32] and the influence

[45:33] it had on science fiction films

[45:35] in the following 30 years.

[45:36] The thing that's fascinating

Stuart Wellington

[45:37] about it is...

[45:38] A visionary director.

[45:38] Is you've never even read

[45:40] the original novel

Elliott Kalan

[45:42] and the World of Tomorrow.

[45:43] I was at a party

[45:43] and they said,

[45:44] what story would you want

[45:45] to make a film of?

[45:46] And I said,

[45:46] of course,

[45:48] and the World of Tomorrow

[45:48] because I had seen it

[45:49] on a shelf.

[45:49] I had never read the story.

[45:51] I wasn't interested.

[45:51] In fact,

[45:52] I was going to put

[45:52] my own spin on the tail

[45:53] and train my own son,

[45:55] Sammy,

[45:56] to be the lead star

[45:57] of Rocket Crocodile.

[45:58] And that's why

[45:58] for the past 11 months

[45:59] since his birth,

[46:00] he's been learning karate

[46:01] 17 hours a day.

Dan McCoy

[46:03] The weird thing is

[46:03] you've got Salvador Dali

[46:04] and Orson Welles

[46:05] to star in it

[46:05] even though they're dead.

[46:07] Long dead.

[46:07] Surprisingly easy

[46:08] to sign contracts

[46:09] with dead people.

[46:09] You just write their names in.

Elliott Kalan

[46:11] Yeah,

[46:11] just get a good necromancer.

[46:13] Or a bad one.

[46:14] Or a bad necromancer.

[46:16] Look,

[46:16] cheap out on it.

[46:17] It doesn't matter.

[46:18] So here's what you need

[46:19] to remember.

[46:20] You'll be famous eventually?

[46:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:23] Put that on your pipe.

Stuart Wellington

[46:26] And I guess cash it?

[46:28] What do you do

[46:29] with that compliment?

Dan McCoy

[46:31] Take it all the way

[46:32] to the compliment bank.

[46:34] This next email is titled...

[46:36] That really is an amazing poster,

[46:37] I've got to say.

[46:38] Yeah,

[46:38] no,

[46:38] it's very nice.

[46:40] Again,

[46:40] I'll put it up on the website

[46:41] and maybe we can

[46:42] work something out.

Stuart Wellington

[46:43] We'll figure something out.

[46:44] That website is

[46:44] flophousepodcast.org.

[46:47] No.

[46:47] That's wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[46:48] Slash gov.xxx

[46:51] Aquafan.

[46:53] flophousepodcast.com

Dan McCoy

[46:54] Blogspot.

[46:55] Because it is a commercial website.

Elliott Kalan

[46:57] Oh,

[46:57] this is a commercial?

[46:58] What for?

Dan McCoy

[46:59] Like burritos?

[47:00] Zappos.

Elliott Kalan

[47:01] Like Zappos burritos?

[47:03] Hey,

[47:03] I love their shoes.

[47:04] How are their burritos?

[47:05] I ordered one in the mail.

[47:06] It was a little stale.

Stuart Wellington

[47:08] My feet are pretty fast.

[47:09] My feet are always so

[47:10] wrapped up and warm inside.

[47:11] I figured their burritos

[47:12] would be great.

Dan McCoy

[47:14] And moist.

[47:14] I always wanted more

[47:15] melted cheese between my toes.

[47:17] You know what?

[47:18] I bet if you put your foot

[47:19] in a burrito,

[47:20] it would feel pretty good.

[47:21] I'm not so sure about that.

[47:23] Like a warm burrito?

[47:24] Like a toasty burrito?

[47:25] Dan,

[47:25] imagine it's...

Stuart Wellington

[47:25] That's from Dan's script,

[47:26] an American burrito.

Elliott Kalan

[47:27] If you think it would be good

[47:28] to stick your foot

[47:33] in a newly killed possum,

[47:35] I think that's about the same

[47:36] as it would feel

[47:37] to stick your foot

[47:37] in a warm burrito.

[47:39] Does that sound pleasant?

[47:40] Bones and everything?

[47:41] Yeah.

[47:42] Burritos nice and squishy.

[47:43] Not the way I make them.

[47:46] So,

[47:47] So the next letter...

[47:48] One of the weirder things

Dan McCoy

[47:49] we've been talking about.

[47:51] So this next letter

[47:52] is titled

[47:53] My Wife

[47:54] or I assume

[47:55] My Wife.

[47:56] Nice, nice.

[47:57] A little update.

[47:58] Okay, continue.

[48:00] And it's from

[48:01] Craig Lastname Withheld

[48:02] who writes,

[48:03] I recently convinced my wife

[48:05] to listen to some flop house

[48:06] while we wrapped

[48:07] Christmas presents.

[48:08] Big mistake.

Elliott Kalan

[48:09] Huge.

[48:09] That is always a mistake.

[48:11] When we finished...

[48:11] Almost every letter that starts,

[48:13] I convinced my family member here

[48:15] to listen to the flop house.

[48:16] It always ends badly.

[48:18] Dan always sends

[48:19] something disgusting.

Dan McCoy

[48:21] Continue.

[48:22] When we finished up

[48:23] and I turned the episode off,

[48:25] she described the experience

[48:26] as being like,

[48:28] quote,

[48:29] when you're with friends

[48:29] and they start talking

[48:30] about a bunch of bullshit

[48:31] you're not interested in.

[48:33] Adding,

[48:33] I don't not like them.

[48:35] I just don't care

[48:36] what they're talking about.

[48:38] Well, thanks, I guess.

[48:40] I don't think

[48:40] she will be a future listener.

[48:42] I, however,

[48:43] will never stop spreading

[48:44] the good word

[48:44] of the flop house.

[48:46] Craig Lastname Withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[48:46] Well, thanks for writing.

[48:47] Is this a new...

[48:48] Is this going to inaugurate

[48:48] a new theme of letters

[48:49] written by people

[48:50] who shared us

[48:51] with others

[48:51] who didn't like us?

Dan McCoy

[48:52] I figure that

[48:53] if we neg ourselves,

[48:54] then we'll end up

[48:56] being more...

[48:57] Oh, more approachable.

Elliott Kalan

[48:59] I mean, that's not really

[48:59] how the game is played.

[49:01] Dear Flophouse,

[49:02] your self-esteem

[49:03] seems too high.

[49:04] So let me tell you

[49:05] what happened

[49:05] when I introduced

[49:06] my local pastor

[49:07] to your podcast.

[49:08] Sure.

[49:09] He had a place

[49:10] he said you were going.

[49:11] It wasn't nice.

[49:12] I was excommunicated.

Dan McCoy

[49:14] So this letter,

[49:15] letter number three,

[49:17] is from Taj.

[49:18] Last name withheld.

[49:20] The rise of?

[49:20] Hello, floppers.

[49:21] I write as a brief respite

[49:23] from the plethora

[49:24] of slash fiction

[49:25] no doubt being thrown your way.

[49:27] But on that note,

[49:28] also ask...

[49:29] But?

[49:29] Would re-return

[49:31] to the Blue Lagoon

[49:31] work with

[49:32] three castaways?

[49:33] Three pod castaways,

[49:35] if you will?

[49:35] Hold on.

[49:36] Innocently discovering

[49:37] their love for each other

[49:38] and their bodies?

[49:39] Or would it turn into

[49:40] a fight for sexual dominance

[49:41] a la the Billy Zane star

[49:43] Survival Island

[49:44] with Elliot being

[49:44] the Kelly Brook figure

[49:45] lusted after

[49:46] by the two other

[49:47] sex-starved men?

Stuart Wellington

[49:48] I buy that part.

[49:50] Wait a minute.

[49:51] Wait a minute.

[49:52] Elliot's the most desirable

[49:53] one of the three of us?

[49:54] Think about it, Stuart.

[49:55] He's the most feminine.

Elliott Kalan

[49:56] I don't know

[49:57] if I'd say that exactly.

[49:58] Oh, roasted.

[49:59] I would say, though,

[49:59] that what's the biggest

[50:00] erogenous zone?

[50:01] The funny bone.

Dan McCoy

[50:02] You want someone

[50:03] with a real sense of humor.

[50:07] I'll tell you something.

[50:09] For the first 17 years

[50:11] of my life,

[50:11] I did not find that

[50:12] to be true.

[50:15] But anyway,

[50:16] so he goes on.

[50:17] I don't want to indulge...

[50:18] Wait, so like,

[50:19] when you were three,

Elliott Kalan

[50:20] were you trying to make

[50:20] girls laugh

[50:21] to get in their pants?

Dan McCoy

[50:22] Even Freud talks

[50:25] of a latency period.

[50:26] It's from Annie Hall.

[50:27] I don't want to indulge

[50:29] the slash fictionites.

[50:30] Instead,

[50:30] I'm thinking about

[50:31] the missed casting opportunities

[50:32] for the original Peaches

[50:33] in movies past and future.

[50:35] Ghostbusters.

[50:36] Stuart as Johnny Cash

[50:37] in Walk the Line.

[50:39] Dan as inevitably

[50:40] Eeyore in the Winnie the Pooh movies.

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] I liked that

[50:42] being mentioned

[50:43] as Johnny Cash,

[50:44] a man with substance abuse problems,

[50:46] led Stuart to briefly pause

[50:47] in bringing a course

[50:48] lights to his lips

[50:49] and then decided,

[50:49] eh, I'll drink it anyway.

Dan McCoy

[50:51] Maybe it's the key

[50:52] to my music.

[50:54] Elliot as Gilbert Gottfried

[50:55] in my forthcoming biopic

[50:57] Voice of an Angel.

[50:59] Don't appreciate it.

[50:59] I don't even sound like him.

[51:02] I'm not going to say

[51:02] my voice isn't irritating,

[51:04] but it's not his voice.

[51:05] My question to you three,

[51:07] Magi, is

[51:07] are there any roles

[51:09] in existing films

[51:10] you would like to have played

[51:11] and why?

[51:14] I'll field this first

[51:16] because since I picked

[51:17] these questions,

[51:18] I've actually had

[51:19] some time to think

[51:19] of something.

[51:21] Not to steal

[51:22] an answer from our friends

[51:24] over at Jordan Jesse Go

[51:25] who talked about

[51:26] this recently,

[51:28] but I think

[51:29] it would be really fun

[51:31] to be in The Music Man

[51:32] as Professor Harold Hill.

[51:34] I haven't thought about

[51:36] movies that I would like

[51:37] to be in so much

[51:38] because it's an impossibility

[51:40] to do that,

[51:41] but as someone

[51:43] who grew up

[51:44] as a theater nerd,

[51:46] I have thought about

[51:47] musicals that I

[51:48] could be in,

[51:50] and I think that would

[51:50] be a lot of fun.

[51:51] I mean,

[51:51] I would not be as good

[51:52] as Robert Preston

[51:53] who was brilliant

[51:54] in that role.

[51:54] Of course not.

[51:55] No offense.

[51:56] I mean,

[51:57] he's fantastic.

[51:57] He was amazing.

[51:58] He's amazing.

[51:59] He created the role,

[51:59] basically.

Elliott Kalan

[52:00] I mean,

[52:00] he makes you forget

[52:01] how much older

[52:02] than Shirley Jones he is.

[52:04] The way you said it was like,

[52:06] you know what,

[52:06] I'd love to be in

[52:07] The Godfather.

[52:08] I don't think I'd be

[52:08] as good necessarily

[52:09] as Marlon Brando.

Stuart Wellington

[52:11] Then you leave

[52:12] just a little wiggle room

Elliott Kalan

[52:13] for someone to be like,

[52:14] no, no,

[52:14] I think you would be

[52:15] as good as the defining

[52:16] actor who was in that role.

Dan McCoy

[52:18] I was not fishing for that,

[52:20] but also I think

[52:21] it would be fun.

[52:21] You take,

[52:22] you know?

[52:22] I think it would be fun.

[52:24] Into the Woods is coming out.

[52:26] I've always thought

[52:27] it would be fun

[52:27] to play the wolf.

[52:28] Yeah,

[52:28] I can see you doing that.

[52:29] I think maybe

[52:31] with Johnny Depp's

[52:32] track history with musicals,

[52:33] maybe I could give him

[52:34] a run for his money

[52:35] on that one

[52:35] more than the

[52:36] Robert Preston thing.

Stuart Wellington

[52:37] You could give his hat

[52:38] a run for its money.

[52:39] It's not as cool

[52:40] as his other hats.

Dan McCoy

[52:42] But I don't know

[52:42] if you guys have.

[52:43] So is Dan playing his hat?

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] Yeah.

[52:45] Just a little Dan

[52:46] perched on Johnny Depp's hat?

[52:48] Sitting,

[52:49] what,

[52:49] Indian style?

[52:50] Yeah,

[52:50] why not?

Dan McCoy

[52:51] And I'm just like,

[52:52] don't move, Dan.

[52:53] Don't move.

[52:53] This is your big break.

Elliott Kalan

[52:54] Think like a hat.

[52:56] How would a hat react

[52:58] in this situation?

[53:01] You are a hat.

[53:02] The same as

Stuart Wellington

[53:03] in every other situation.

[53:03] He's surprised

[53:04] I gotta flip upside down

[53:05] and then land back

[53:06] on his head perfectly.

Dan McCoy

[53:10] Are there roles

[53:11] that you guys

[53:12] would like to be

[53:13] in a movie?

[53:13] Like if you

[53:14] had the chance to?

Stuart Wellington

[53:16] Yeah,

[53:17] I mean,

[53:17] I think the obvious

[53:19] one would be to say

[53:20] like a Star-Lord

[53:21] type character.

[53:22] Oh yeah.

[53:22] I could see that.

[53:23] Yeah.

[53:23] Or,

[53:24] I mean,

[53:24] the dream role.

[53:25] You could be a guardian

[53:26] of the galaxy.

[53:26] I could guard the galaxy.

[53:28] Your regular rocket raccoon.

[53:31] Well,

[53:32] I would say

[53:33] like my dream role

[53:34] would be like

[53:35] Jack Burton

[53:36] in Big Trouble

[53:37] in Little China.

[53:38] That's a good one.

[53:38] I mean,

[53:38] once again,

[53:40] I am in no way

[53:41] saying I'm as good

[53:41] as Kurt Russell

[53:42] in that role.

Elliott Kalan

[53:43] I think we can all

[53:44] just say

[53:44] none of us think

[53:45] we're as good

[53:45] as the actors

[53:46] who actually played

[53:46] these roles.

[53:47] But like,

Stuart Wellington

[53:47] I just look like,

[53:48] I would like to think

[53:49] that I could play

[53:50] a character

[53:51] who gets by

[53:52] more on charisma

[53:53] than competence.

[53:54] Robbin.

Elliott Kalan

[53:55] Kind of gets by

[53:56] on his wits,

[53:57] but his wits

[53:57] are pretty dumb.

[53:58] Yeah.

[54:00] Yeah.

[54:00] I love that movie.

[54:02] Elliot?

[54:02] I mean,

[54:02] if I wasn't

[54:03] a tiny,

[54:04] out of shape guy,

[54:05] then Spider-Man

[54:06] would be,

[54:07] you know,

[54:08] that's the character

[54:08] I would like to play.

[54:10] And what with the CGI

[54:11] these days,

Stuart Wellington

[54:11] I feel like you could do it.

Elliott Kalan

[54:12] And I'm certainly

[54:13] looking forward to like

[54:14] when my son's old enough

[54:15] playing superhero with him

[54:16] and like being those characters

[54:17] that's close to

[54:18] I'm going to get

[54:18] to being a movie.

[54:19] Yeah,

[54:19] you can be like a,

[54:20] I see you being

[54:21] a real good Black Adam.

[54:23] Sure.

[54:24] Yeah,

[54:24] because my son's

[54:25] a big Captain Marvel fan.

[54:29] He only wants to do

[54:30] the scene where

[54:30] Billy Batson meets

[54:31] the wizard Shazam

[54:32] in a cave.

[54:34] But I think,

[54:35] but if I,

[54:35] a different question,

[54:37] if I could be

[54:38] any fictional character,

[54:39] then there's no question.

[54:40] It would be Nick Charles.

[54:41] I may have said this before.

[54:42] Oh yeah.

[54:43] Nick Charles from

[54:43] the Thin Man series

[54:44] is,

[54:45] he's debonair.

[54:46] He's such a teetotaler though.

[54:47] He has lots of fun.

[54:48] Well,

[54:48] he is by the end of the series.

[54:49] Look,

[54:50] if I had that much fun drinking,

[54:52] I'd be drunk all the time

[54:53] like him.

[54:53] And he's married to Myrna Loy.

[54:55] It doesn't get any better.

[54:56] Yeah.

[54:57] All right.

[54:57] He has a cute dog.

[54:59] They solve crimes.

[55:01] They're rich.

Dan McCoy

[55:01] Yeah.

[55:02] That's a pretty sweet life.

Elliott Kalan

[55:04] Life could be a dream

[55:06] if you were Nick Charles,

[55:07] a fictional character.

Dan McCoy

[55:08] So the last letter

[55:10] of the evening

[55:11] goes a little

[55:12] something like this.

[55:13] It's from,

[55:15] well,

[55:15] we'll get to it.

[55:16] It goes,

[55:17] Dearest Peaches,

[55:18] mystery story.

[55:19] I am a massively

[55:20] colossal fan

[55:20] of the Flophouse.

[55:22] You fellas are my go-to

[55:23] non-music,

[55:23] non-sports related

[55:24] entertainment

[55:25] when I run.

[55:26] I can't put my finger

[55:26] on what makes your podcast

[55:27] such riveting exercise

[55:29] diversion.

[55:30] It must be either

[55:30] Elliot's insistence

[55:31] on cutting Dan off

[55:32] at every turn.

[55:33] What's that like?

[55:34] Hold on a second.

[55:36] Stuart's insistence

[55:36] on cutting Dan off

[55:38] What are you talking about?

[55:39] Or Dan's brain's

[55:40] insistence.

[55:41] Boob's butt's farts.

[55:42] Dan's brain's

[55:43] insistence.

Elliott Kalan

[55:44] I want that to be

[55:44] in Latin,

Dan McCoy

[55:45] the motto

[55:45] on your family crest,

[55:46] Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[55:48] Boob-um,

[55:48] butt-um,

[55:49] fart-um.

Dan McCoy

[55:50] I'm cutting Dan off

[55:53] I'm such a flop fan,

[55:54] in fact,

[55:55] that I took

[55:55] the seemingly ridiculous

[55:57] step of asking

[55:58] the three of you

[55:59] to write a comic book,

[56:00] specifically the

[56:01] Flash Gordon Holiday Special

[56:03] that's on sale

[56:03] December 17th

[56:04] from Dynamite Entertainment.

[56:05] At comic book stores

[56:06] everywhere?

[56:07] Yeah,

[56:07] which I packaged

[56:08] and edited.

[56:09] Three stories

[56:09] that span the cosmos,

[56:11] each one written

[56:12] by a flopper,

[56:12] each one set

[56:13] during a different holiday.

[56:14] Winter holiday.

[56:15] And there's a

[56:16] parenthetical,

[56:17] Elliot and Stuart,

[56:18] please feel free

[56:19] to hum dramatically

[56:19] during this next part

[56:20] and do space fighting

[56:21] sound effects.

Stuart Wellington

[56:22] Pew, pew, pew.

[56:23] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[56:24] Thrill as Dan McCoy

[56:26] and artist Joseph Cooper

[56:27] take you to the

[56:28] jungle world of Arborea

[56:29] where Flash Gordon

[56:31] and Professor Zarkov

[56:32] go to spread

[56:33] Christmas cheer

[56:34] only to discover

[56:35] that a faraway forest

[56:37] has already

[56:38] has...

[56:39] Sorry.

[56:40] I fucked that up.

[56:41] Dan, what is going on?

[56:42] Only to discover...

[56:43] It's written down.

[56:44] Only to discover

[56:45] that a faraway forest...

[56:46] I didn't talk about

Elliott Kalan

[56:46] your story.

[56:47] That's the other thing.

[56:48] You shouldn't be able

[56:49] to wing it.

Dan McCoy

[56:51] Only to discover

[56:52] that a faraway forest

[56:53] is this world

[56:53] already has Christmas?

[56:56] Question mark?

[56:58] Chill as Elliot Kalin

[56:59] and artist Stephen Downey

[57:01] head to Earth

[57:02] and chronicle the exploits

[57:03] of a lone alien beast warrior

[57:05] abandoned on her planet

[57:06] after a failed invasion

[57:08] attempt by Ming the Merciless.

[57:10] But what could a beast fan

[57:11] have in common

[57:12] with a Jewish family

[57:13] trying to celebrate

[57:14] Hanukkah

[57:15] in a hostile town?

[57:17] and spill

[57:18] when Stuart Wellington

[57:20] and Laura Margarita

[57:22] present Dale Arn

[57:24] Science Reporter

[57:25] Brooklyn

[57:26] Fear

[57:27] Girlfriends

[57:28] Ex-boyfriends

[57:29] A Big-Ass Crab

[57:31] and walkie-talkies

Elliott Kalan

[57:32] Parentheses

Dan McCoy

[57:35] coming can stop here.

Elliott Kalan

[57:39] Dawn of the Dead.

[57:40] Yeah.

[57:40] All right.

[57:41] So could people hear that?

[57:44] Anyway,

[57:45] three different winter stories.

Dan McCoy

[57:46] that was a large reason

[57:47] why I fucked up.

Elliott Kalan

[57:49] You asked us to do it, dude.

Dan McCoy

[57:52] This guy asked us to do it.

[57:53] And who is this guy?

[57:54] Well, we're getting to it.

[57:55] You might ask.

[57:56] You'd think he would have

[57:56] given us enough information

[57:57] by now to know his name.

[57:59] You might ask,

[58:00] why would a comic book editor

[58:01] be compelled to collaborate

[58:02] with three guys

[58:03] who would willingly watch

[58:04] and ruminate upon

[58:05] the likes of Marmaduke,

[58:06] Alex Cross,

[58:07] the Oogie Loves,

[58:08] After Earth,

[58:08] and nearly all of

[58:09] late period Nicolas Cage's canon?

[58:12] I reached out

[58:12] because of your obvious

[58:14] affinity for comics

[58:15] and formidable ability

[58:16] to find fun

[58:17] in even the direst

[58:18] of storytelling singles.

[58:20] And I'm happy to relay

[58:20] to fellow listeners

[58:21] that none of the Peaches

[58:22] disappointed.

[58:23] Your stories are packed

[58:24] with fun and personality

[58:25] and heart,

[58:26] fully accessible

[58:27] to new readers

[58:27] and can all be enjoyed

[58:29] even by those

[58:30] who don't usually read comics.

[58:33] You all came to work

[58:33] with tremendous talent

[58:34] and discipline.

[58:35] Even party dude Stuart,

[58:37] who I expected to deliver

[58:38] a stream of devil-may-care

[58:40] cool guy excuses

[58:41] for why he took six months

[58:43] to turn in his script

[58:44] and why it was written

[58:45] in Sharpie

[58:46] on beer coasters.

[58:47] This was not the case.

[58:49] Stu's a pro.

[58:50] Also in Dan's story,

[58:51] They call him Stu Pro.

[58:53] Dude, why you blowing up

Stuart Wellington

[58:53] my spot,

[58:54] putting me on blast,

[58:55] et cetera.

Dan McCoy

[58:56] Also, in Dan's story,

[58:58] not a single mention

[58:59] of an alien wife,

[59:00] but surprising,

[59:02] but still entertaining.

Elliott Kalan

[59:04] One of the story ideas

[59:05] you pitched

[59:06] did involve porn, though.

Dan McCoy

[59:08] Well, sure.

[59:10] But that's because

[59:10] there was the Flesh Gordon.

[59:13] Someday I'll tell the story.

Elliott Kalan

[59:15] And then we'll have,

[59:17] whatever year that is,

[59:17] we'll have a new forerunner

[59:18] for the Most Boring Stories Award.

Dan McCoy

[59:22] Continue, Daniel.

[59:23] So thanks for jamming out

[59:24] on a great comic, gentlemen.

[59:26] And I hope all of your fans

[59:28] will seek out a copy

[59:28] of your great comic

[59:29] this holiday season.

[59:31] Keep up the great flops, fellas.

[59:33] Nate Cosby,

[59:34] last name withheld.

[59:35] Comic book editor,

[59:37] job title withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[59:39] So there you go.

[59:40] The Flesh Gordon

[59:41] Holiday Special,

[59:42] written by us jerks,

[59:44] edited by the great

[59:45] Nate Cosby.

[59:46] You thought you were

[59:46] just getting letters,

[59:48] but you got a plug.

[59:49] You got,

[59:49] that last letter

[59:50] was a commercial.

[59:51] That was a stealth plug.

[59:52] This was a regular,

[59:53] like someone with

[59:54] invisible hair.

[59:55] This was a regular

[59:56] Red Rider,

[59:58] Little Orphan Annie,

[59:58] Ovaltine ad,

[59:59] right in the middle

[1:00:00] of your radio program.

[1:00:02] You got Christmas storied.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:05] So,

[1:00:06] thank you for all

[1:00:07] of those letters.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] Thank you for sending them.

[1:00:09] Thank you for reading them.

[1:00:10] And thank you

[1:00:11] for living them.

[1:00:13] But now,

Dan McCoy

[1:00:14] it's time for us

[1:00:15] to recommend

[1:00:16] movies that we saw

[1:00:18] that we actually liked.

[1:00:20] Okay.

[1:00:20] Things you should watch

[1:00:21] instead of spending

[1:00:22] an hour and 22 minutes

[1:00:23] in the company

[1:00:24] of Justin and Kelly.

[1:00:26] I mean,

[1:00:26] are they coming over?

[1:00:29] You know,

[1:00:29] I'm going to zoom

[1:00:30] through this

[1:00:31] because

[1:00:31] we're running long.

[1:00:33] Slamming out.

[1:00:34] Yeah,

[1:00:34] but I've also,

[1:00:35] I've got,

[1:00:36] I caught up with a bunch

[1:00:37] of the prestige

[1:00:39] pictures of this year.

[1:00:41] What,

[1:00:41] are you on a plane

[1:00:42] or something?

[1:00:43] Well,

[1:00:43] we had Thanksgiving

[1:00:45] week off

[1:00:45] and I got a lot

[1:00:46] of screeners

[1:00:46] and I went to

[1:00:47] movies in the theater

[1:00:48] and I saw

[1:00:50] a bunch of movies,

[1:00:51] all of which I enjoyed

[1:00:52] to one degree or another.

[1:00:54] I saw Interstellar,

[1:00:55] which I liked.

[1:00:56] I saw Whiplash,

[1:00:57] which I liked a lot.

[1:00:58] I saw Birdman,

[1:00:59] which apologies

[1:01:00] to our friend Scott Tobias

[1:01:01] over at The Dissolve.

[1:01:03] I enjoyed

[1:01:04] a good deal.

[1:01:07] He's going to track you down,

[1:01:08] dude.

[1:01:09] Yeah,

[1:01:09] I know.

[1:01:10] You just earned yourself

[1:01:11] a bruising.

[1:01:12] I was cruising for it,

[1:01:13] so it's really my own fault.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:15] Just like in the movie

[1:01:16] Cruising,

[1:01:16] that's what that's about,

[1:01:17] right?

[1:01:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:19] Kind of.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:20] A little bit.

[1:01:22] But the movie

[1:01:22] that I think

[1:01:24] I'm going to recommend

[1:01:24] is Inherent Vice,

[1:01:27] the new P.T. Anderson movie.

[1:01:28] Where'd you see that?

[1:01:29] Fuck off.

[1:01:30] I saw it in a screening,

[1:01:32] again,

[1:01:32] a Writers Guild screening,

[1:01:34] and I will say

[1:01:35] that I enjoyed that movie

[1:01:37] about as much

[1:01:37] as one can enjoy

[1:01:38] any film

[1:01:39] that you understand

[1:01:41] about 40% of

[1:01:42] because it marries the...

[1:01:44] Was it Esperanto?

[1:01:45] Well,

[1:01:45] it marries the incomprehensible

[1:01:47] plotting of something

[1:01:49] like Chandler's

[1:01:50] The Big Chill

[1:01:51] or Big Sleep,

[1:01:52] sorry.

[1:01:53] No, no,

[1:01:53] Raymond Chandler's

[1:01:53] The Big Chill

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:54] where they're trying

[1:01:55] to solve the mystery

[1:01:56] of who killed Kevin Costner.

[1:01:58] Immediately.

[1:01:59] God damn it.

[1:02:01] We were all going to...

[1:02:01] All the suspects are here.

[1:02:03] I guess we'll dance

[1:02:03] to some Motown songs.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:07] Down these mean kitchens,

[1:02:09] a man must go.

[1:02:10] It combines the plotting

[1:02:13] of something like

[1:02:14] The Big Sleep

[1:02:14] with the incomprehensible

[1:02:17] prose of Thomas Pynchon.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:19] Yeah,

[1:02:20] I've always...

[1:02:20] I've tried reading him

[1:02:21] so many times.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:22] Yeah,

[1:02:23] I mean,

[1:02:23] Inherent Vice

[1:02:24] is supposed to be

[1:02:25] his most accessible book,

[1:02:27] but even that,

[1:02:29] I Give It a Whirl

[1:02:30] was not a fan,

[1:02:31] but I enjoy the movie a lot,

[1:02:34] mostly for its texture

[1:02:36] and feel,

[1:02:37] which is what you're left with

[1:02:38] when you can't understand

[1:02:40] really what's going on.

[1:02:42] I mean,

[1:02:42] I got the broad strokes,

[1:02:43] but there are some

[1:02:44] mystery threads

[1:02:46] that are left

[1:02:47] widely hanging

[1:02:48] by the film,

[1:02:49] but it's a hard movie

[1:02:53] to explain.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:54] Do you see it

[1:02:54] in 70mm?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:56] No.

[1:02:58] It's a movie that...

[1:02:59] IMAX 3D.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:01] No,

[1:03:01] but I mean,

[1:03:02] there was a big point

[1:03:03] about how it was screened

[1:03:04] in 70mm.

[1:03:05] 70?

[1:03:05] I know it was shot

Dan McCoy

[1:03:07] in 35mm

[1:03:10] using film,

[1:03:12] so it has

[1:03:13] old-time film texture,

[1:03:14] but...

[1:03:15] I could be totally wrong.

[1:03:16] I think that

[1:03:16] Interstellar

[1:03:18] was a 70mm.

[1:03:20] In Interstellar,

[1:03:21] I thought it was

[1:03:21] a 70mm.

[1:03:22] Yeah,

[1:03:22] but I thought

[1:03:22] it was those two.

[1:03:23] Oh.

[1:03:26] Don't write in

[1:03:26] and tell us,

[1:03:27] because we don't care.

[1:03:29] I mean,

[1:03:29] write in,

[1:03:29] we'll just ignore it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:30] Talk about it on Twitter.

[1:03:31] Say,

[1:03:31] Stuart Rules.

[1:03:32] If I'm wrong,

[1:03:33] don't say anything.

[1:03:34] No,

[1:03:34] say Stuart Rules

[1:03:35] if he's wrong.

[1:03:35] I guess that's fair.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:36] You know,

[1:03:36] if you like the vibe

[1:03:37] of something like

[1:03:38] Altman's

[1:03:39] The Long Goodbye,

[1:03:40] there's a lot to like

[1:03:41] in this,

[1:03:42] and as much as

[1:03:43] I did not

[1:03:44] fully feel like

[1:03:46] I got everything

[1:03:46] that the movie

[1:03:47] was trying to do,

[1:03:48] I also want

[1:03:49] to see it again.

[1:03:50] Hey,

[1:03:51] you felt like

[1:03:51] you had an experience.

[1:03:52] It stuck with me.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:53] You had an experience.

[1:03:54] How would it fit

[1:03:54] within the Paul Thomas Anderson

[1:03:56] canon?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:57] Because we need

[1:03:58] to fit it in there

[1:03:59] and fire it

[1:04:00] at the castle

[1:04:00] we're besieging

[1:04:01] with our Paul Thomas

[1:04:02] Anderson canon.

[1:04:03] Behind the chain shot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:05] The chain shot

[1:04:06] will destroy

[1:04:07] the defenders.

[1:04:08] The chain rips

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:08] through their heads

[1:04:09] and then a copy

[1:04:10] of There Will Be Blood

[1:04:11] takes out

[1:04:12] the main ramparts.

[1:04:13] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[1:04:13] pops out of their bodies.

[1:04:14] I will say that

[1:04:15] it may rank

[1:04:18] the lowest for me

[1:04:19] with a possible

[1:04:20] obsession of

[1:04:21] Heart 8,

[1:04:21] which I've seen

[1:04:22] once a long time ago

[1:04:23] so I don't know.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:24] Whoa,

[1:04:25] you like Heart 8

[1:04:26] less than Magnolia?

[1:04:27] That's what I was thinking too.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:28] Oh no,

[1:04:28] you know,

[1:04:29] I like this better

[1:04:29] than Magnolia.

[1:04:30] Okay.

[1:04:31] So I don't know

[1:04:31] it's right in the world.

[1:04:33] Magnolia has a great

[1:04:34] first seven minutes.

[1:04:35] I mean,

[1:04:36] I like Magnolia

[1:04:36] but it's also got a lot of problems.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:38] I mean,

[1:04:38] it's weird that he licensed

[1:04:40] out a movie like that

[1:04:40] to be a bakery.

[1:04:41] Ha ha ha ha.

[1:04:43] Eh?

[1:04:44] Eh?

[1:04:45] That's one for the New Yorkers

[1:04:46] and the Sex and the City fans.

[1:04:47] Yeah,

[1:04:47] I apologize.

[1:04:48] I totally forgot

Dan McCoy

[1:04:48] that Magnolia

[1:04:49] was a PT Anderson film.

[1:04:50] Uh-huh.

[1:04:51] So anyway.

[1:04:52] It's a PT 109 film.

[1:04:54] So that's my recommendation.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:56] That was more of a gonk droid.

[1:04:57] Guys,

Dan McCoy

[1:04:58] where do you want to go with this?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:00] Huh?

[1:05:01] Wait,

[1:05:01] like which one of us

[1:05:02] does a recommendation?

[1:05:03] I'm going to do

[1:05:03] two recommendations.

[1:05:05] Boom.

[1:05:06] Holy shit.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:07] I have one movie to recommend

[1:05:08] A double shot.

[1:05:09] So the first movie

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:11] is another prestige picture

[1:05:13] called The Hobbit

[1:05:15] Battle of Five Armies.

[1:05:17] It's a little known

[1:05:17] independent film.

[1:05:18] Uh,

[1:05:19] Dan and I got to see

[1:05:20] a early screening of this.

[1:05:21] Um,

[1:05:22] I don't think

[1:05:23] that if you

[1:05:24] have not been a fan

[1:05:25] of the earlier two films,

[1:05:27] Uh,

[1:05:27] Unexpected Journey

[1:05:28] and Desolation of Smaug,

[1:05:29] this will not make

[1:05:30] a convert of you

[1:05:31] if you go into it

[1:05:33] not like expecting

[1:05:34] to be mad

[1:05:34] or not like it.

[1:05:35] Don't watch this movie.

[1:05:37] Spend your two and a half hours.

[1:05:38] That's right.

[1:05:39] It's only two and a half hours long.

[1:05:40] Spend those hours

[1:05:41] doing something else.

[1:05:42] Or as Peter Jackson calls it,

[1:05:44] a live action short.

[1:05:45] Jack and it watching

[1:05:45] a fucking Castle Freak

[1:05:45] once and a half.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:46] Wait,

[1:05:46] watch Castle Freak

[1:05:47] once and a half times?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:48] Yeah.

[1:05:49] Uh,

[1:05:50] you'll get to the weird part.

[1:05:51] The second time through.

[1:05:52] Uh,

[1:05:53] so.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:55] No,

[1:05:55] but it is,

[1:05:56] I,

[1:05:56] I said that I thought

[1:05:57] it was the best of the three

[1:05:58] and you agree.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:59] Yeah,

[1:05:59] I think,

[1:05:59] I think you had a good point

[1:06:00] that at least for me

[1:06:02] and,

[1:06:02] and I think you said it too,

[1:06:03] like the original trilogy,

[1:06:05] uh,

[1:06:07] though it didn't have

[1:06:08] a particularly noticeable

[1:06:09] dipping quality,

[1:06:09] started off strong,

[1:06:11] stronger and went downhill

[1:06:13] as opposed to,

[1:06:14] uh,

[1:06:15] the new,

[1:06:15] the Hobbit,

[1:06:16] which kind of starts

[1:06:17] a little shaky,

[1:06:18] but picks up steam

[1:06:19] as it goes along.

[1:06:19] It actually feels like

[1:06:20] Peter Jackson listens

[1:06:21] to his critics a little bit

[1:06:22] because this last one

[1:06:23] moves at a pretty good clip.

[1:06:26] Um,

[1:06:26] so that's what I'm recommending.

[1:06:27] It's my catchphrase.

[1:06:29] Yeah,

[1:06:29] it's true.

[1:06:30] And then,

[1:06:31] uh,

[1:06:31] I'm also going to recommend

[1:06:32] another movie

[1:06:33] that has been getting

[1:06:34] a lot of press.

[1:06:36] The Babadook,

[1:06:37] which is an Australian

[1:06:38] horror film.

[1:06:39] Uh,

[1:06:40] it's basically about

[1:06:41] a ghost with a big ass.

[1:06:44] How long were you

[1:06:45] working on that?

[1:06:46] As soon as I said

[1:06:46] I was going to recommend

[1:06:47] The Babadook.

[1:06:47] The way you said

[1:06:48] Babadook.

[1:06:50] You're like,

[1:06:50] Saturday Night Live

[1:06:51] missed its chance

[1:06:52] when they had

[1:06:53] Nicki Minaj on.

[1:06:54] The working title

[1:06:55] was Pulcher Trunk.

[1:06:56] So, uh,

[1:07:01] yeah,

[1:07:01] it's a,

[1:07:02] it's a horror film,

[1:07:03] uh,

[1:07:04] about,

[1:07:04] uh,

[1:07:05] a single mother

[1:07:05] who's raising

[1:07:06] a six-year-old child.

[1:07:09] Um,

[1:07:09] and they discover

[1:07:10] a scary pop-up book.

[1:07:12] Um,

[1:07:13] it's super effective,

[1:07:14] super frightening,

[1:07:15] plays on a lot of,

[1:07:16] uh,

[1:07:17] plays on a lot of themes

[1:07:18] that,

[1:07:18] uh,

[1:07:18] adults,

[1:07:19] particularly parents,

[1:07:20] will find frightening.

[1:07:21] Hey,

[1:07:22] that's me.

[1:07:22] I'm the audience for that.

[1:07:23] So,

[1:07:23] you should totally watch it

[1:07:24] and be prepared

[1:07:25] to be scared.

[1:07:27] Ah,

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:28] in a way,

[1:07:29] I wouldn't have been

[1:07:30] scared a year ago.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:31] Watch it with the lights on

[1:07:32] and then turn them off

[1:07:33] because it's scarier that way.

[1:07:36] Okay.

[1:07:36] Watch it with the lights on

[1:07:38] and then turn the lights off

[1:07:39] because you're sleepy.

[1:07:40] Just like sex.

[1:07:42] It's scarier

[1:07:43] when the lights are off

[1:07:44] and you're wearing masks.

[1:07:49] Elliot,

[1:07:50] I think it's your turn.

[1:07:51] I recommend two movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:52] Yeah,

[1:07:52] you did recommend two movies

[1:07:53] and then having sex

[1:07:53] with masks on.

[1:07:55] because it's scarier.

[1:07:57] So,

[1:07:58] I'm going to go a different way.

[1:07:59] I haven't gotten to see

[1:08:00] really any new movies.

[1:08:02] Uh,

[1:08:03] because what are you going to do?

[1:08:04] That's life as a...

[1:08:04] What,

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:04] you got a baby or something?

[1:08:05] I do have a baby

[1:08:06] or something.

[1:08:07] So,

[1:08:07] you're going to recommend

[1:08:07] an older movie?

[1:08:09] I am going to recommend

[1:08:10] an older movie

[1:08:11] and hey,

[1:08:11] it's Elliot.

[1:08:12] How about an old foreign film?

[1:08:14] Oh,

[1:08:14] weird.

[1:08:14] You guessed it.

[1:08:16] Uh,

[1:08:16] this is a movie that

[1:08:17] fell under my philosophy of

[1:08:19] if it looks interesting

[1:08:20] on Turner Classic Movies

[1:08:22] from the program guide description,

[1:08:23] I will record it

[1:08:24] and try it

[1:08:25] and I'm glad that I did.

[1:08:26] This is a Russian movie

[1:08:27] called Nine Days in One Year

[1:08:29] from 1964

[1:08:30] directed by Mikhail Rom

[1:08:32] and starring

[1:08:33] a couple actors

[1:08:34] uh,

[1:08:35] you may recognize

[1:08:36] from other Russian films

[1:08:37] in the period.

[1:08:37] One of them was also

[1:08:38] was the star of

[1:08:39] The Cranes Are Flying

[1:08:41] which people may know.

[1:08:43] But anyway,

[1:08:43] Nine Days in One Year

[1:08:45] is a

[1:08:45] love triangle

[1:08:47] between three physicists,

[1:08:48] two men and one woman

[1:08:49] or it starts that way at least

[1:08:51] and one of the physicists

[1:08:52] is

[1:08:53] more devoted to his work

[1:08:55] than the others

[1:08:56] but as a result of that

[1:08:57] he receives a life-threatening

[1:08:59] dose of radiation

[1:09:00] and so he has to decide

[1:09:02] whether he's going to

[1:09:02] keep working

[1:09:03] and risk another dose

[1:09:04] that might kill him

[1:09:05] or he's going to

[1:09:06] try to survive

[1:09:07] and

[1:09:08] devote himself to his wife

[1:09:09] but he believes

[1:09:10] the work he is doing

[1:09:11] is so important

[1:09:11] that it's hard

[1:09:12] to tear away.

[1:09:13] Like Dr. Manhattan?

[1:09:15] In a way, yeah.

[1:09:16] Except instead of getting

[1:09:17] uh,

[1:09:18] naked blue superpowers

[1:09:20] he's just noticeably frailer

[1:09:21] uh,

[1:09:22] but for a movie that

[1:09:24] sounds a little dry

[1:09:25] from that

[1:09:26] and it

[1:09:26] he's a story about a guy

[1:09:27] who's torn in Soviet Russia

[1:09:29] between

[1:09:29] saying he needs to design

[1:09:31] a new type of

[1:09:32] uh,

[1:09:33] fusion reaction

[1:09:34] for the people

[1:09:35] and

[1:09:36] trying to decide

[1:09:37] between that

[1:09:38] and an emotional life

[1:09:39] sounds like it could be

[1:09:39] propagandistic

[1:09:40] or

[1:09:41] kind of flat

[1:09:42] but actually the characters

[1:09:43] in it are very

[1:09:44] real feeling

[1:09:45] and well-rounded

[1:09:46] there's particularly

[1:09:47] a scene where

[1:09:48] the female character

[1:09:49] after she marries

[1:09:50] one of the scientists

[1:09:51] is

[1:09:52] lying in bed

[1:09:53] thinking about how

[1:09:54] she

[1:09:54] is a bad wife

[1:09:56] she can't cook well

[1:09:57] she can't clean well

[1:09:58] and what it really is

[1:09:59] is that she's feeling trapped

[1:10:00] in this role

[1:10:01] that

[1:10:02] she feels like

[1:10:02] she has to do

[1:10:03] but she's not

[1:10:04] really happy with

[1:10:05] but it's something

[1:10:06] that

[1:10:06] you wouldn't

[1:10:07] you don't see a lot of

[1:10:08] in movies

[1:10:09] I feel like

[1:10:09] a character

[1:10:10] turning on themselves

[1:10:11] that way

[1:10:11] in their internal

[1:10:12] internal monologue

[1:10:13] uh

[1:10:14] over their relationship

[1:10:16] or whatever

[1:10:16] but anyway

[1:10:17] but there's a lot of

[1:10:18] funny jokes in it too

[1:10:19] and the title

[1:10:20] comes from the fact

[1:10:21] that

[1:10:21] all the scenes

[1:10:23] are set in

[1:10:23] nine days

[1:10:25] of this one year period

[1:10:26] and

[1:10:27] I guess

[1:10:27] I think it's actually

[1:10:28] a little bit more

[1:10:28] than a year

[1:10:28] but it'll be

[1:10:29] but it literally says

[1:10:30] like day one

[1:10:30] there's a little bit

[1:10:31] of narration

[1:10:32] and we see that day

[1:10:33] day two

[1:10:34] and we see the relevant

[1:10:35] scenes from that day

[1:10:35] months later

[1:10:36] and is it uh

[1:10:37] is it dubbed

[1:10:38] or do I have to read it

[1:10:39] you're gonna have to read it

[1:10:40] it's subteeth load

[1:10:41] but I think the entire movie

[1:10:43] is available on

[1:10:44] uh

[1:10:44] moss films

[1:10:45] youtube channel

[1:10:46] possibly

[1:10:47] I think it's also

[1:10:47] moss films

[1:10:48] which is Moscow film

[1:10:50] I mean it was one of the

[1:10:51] big studios

[1:10:52] it's still a big movie

[1:10:53] no no

[1:10:54] it's not moss like

[1:10:56] like growing on things

[1:10:57] because of moisture

[1:10:58] uh

[1:10:59] where the whole movie

[1:11:00] I think might be on

[1:11:00] in the criterion section

[1:11:02] streaming section of

[1:11:03] hulu

[1:11:03] uh

[1:11:04] but it's well worth

[1:11:05] seeing

[1:11:05] nine days in one year

[1:11:06] I highly recommend it

Dan McCoy

[1:11:07] all right

[1:11:09] well guys

[1:11:10] thanks for being here

[1:11:11] I feel like we need

[1:11:12] to wrap up before

[1:11:13] elliot's nose

[1:11:14] literally falls off

[1:11:15] its face

[1:11:15] it's getting late

[1:11:16] and I am sick

[1:11:17] sure

[1:11:17] yeah

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:17] uh

[1:11:18] and then it would be

[1:11:19] like another classic

[1:11:20] russian story

[1:11:20] that knows

[1:11:21] by who

[1:11:23] gogo

[1:11:24] oh yeah

[1:11:25] the guy wakes up

[1:11:27] his nose is missing

[1:11:28] and he finds that

[1:11:29] he can't

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:30] it's turned into

[1:11:30] a cockroach

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:31] that's a different

[1:11:33] france kafka

[1:11:33] he can't

[1:11:38] french kafka

[1:11:39] yep

[1:11:39] he finds that

[1:11:40] he's turned into

[1:11:40] a sexy roach

[1:11:41] who is trying

[1:11:42] he sees a cat

[1:11:43] with a stripe

[1:11:44] on its back

[1:11:44] and assumes

[1:11:44] it's a lady roach

[1:11:45] and keeps trying

[1:11:46] to rape it

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:47] pepe la rache

[1:11:48] but I have to

[1:11:49] go to work

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:50] pepe la joseph k

[1:11:51] that's what

[1:11:51] that's what's

[1:11:52] called a literary

[1:11:52] mashup

[1:11:53] yep

[1:11:54] it's a regular

[1:11:55] pride and prejudice

[1:11:55] and zombos

[1:11:56] so

[1:11:59] those are cool

[1:12:01] zombies

[1:12:01] that's

[1:12:03] zombros

[1:12:04] thanks for

[1:12:05] those are zombies

[1:12:05] that wear

[1:12:06] umbrose

[1:12:06] soccer shorts

[1:12:07] sure

Dan McCoy

[1:12:08] uh

[1:12:10] thanks for being

[1:12:10] with us

[1:12:11] uh

[1:12:11] thanks to the

[1:12:12] contest winner

[1:12:13] jason

[1:12:14] mcissaac

[1:12:15] for uh

[1:12:16] recommending

[1:12:17] from justin

[1:12:18] to kelly

[1:12:19] and fuck you

[1:12:19] for recommending

[1:12:20] whoa

[1:12:21] from justin

[1:12:21] to kelly

[1:12:22] too harsh

[1:12:23] roasted

[1:12:23] uh

[1:12:24] and uh

[1:12:25] for the flop house

[1:12:26] I've been dan mccoy

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:27] for the flop house

[1:12:28] I've been

[1:12:29] stewart wellington

Dan McCoy

[1:12:30] from the flop house

[1:12:33] I'm elliot kalen

[1:12:34] goodnight everyone

[1:12:35] blam

[1:12:36] good enough

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:42] the flop house

[1:12:43] mono

[1:12:43] hey we're not

[1:12:44] getting paid

[1:12:45] for this

[1:12:45] good enough

Dan McCoy

[1:12:46] uh

[1:12:47] yeah

[1:12:47] f it

[1:12:48] so

[1:12:48] f it hard

[1:12:49] uh

[1:12:50] f it in the

[1:12:51] a

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:51] franken beans

[1:12:53] or the p

[1:12:53] so call it a v

[1:12:55] or a c

[1:12:58] if you're nasty

Dan McCoy

[1:12:59] or the m

[1:13:02] or the e

[1:13:03] all right

[1:13:06] in

[1:13:06] a lot of

[1:13:08] coughing going on

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:09] reminds me of a joke

[1:13:11] about a vampire

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:11] it seems this vampire

[1:13:13] oh boy

[1:13:14] Thank you.

Episode #167 - From Justin to Kelly

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