Episode #168 - Rage

[0:00] On this episode, we watched RAGE!

[0:05] Merry Cagemas, everybody!

[0:07] Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle.

[0:10] Bells, bells, bells, bells, bells.

[0:11] Reindeer sound, reindeer sound.

[0:13] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:45] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:46] What the fuck was that?

[0:47] Not chewing into the microphone.

[0:48] What the fuck was that?

[0:49] Like, boorish cad, Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] Jesus Christ.

[0:52] I was trying to do, uh, I was trying to do a thing, like I was a horse.

[0:56] Like chew your cud?

[0:57] Yeah, yeah, that'd be a cow.

[0:58] One of our shows was named one of the top 25 podcasts ever by Slate Magazine, and you,

[1:04] this is what you do?

[1:05] You really do.

[1:06] And I'm ruining it.

[1:07] Well, I'm trying to make that episode seem all the better.

[1:09] Okay.

[1:10] By starting off, uh, not as good.

[1:12] I see.

[1:13] Well, mission accomplished.

[1:15] So guys...

[1:16] This podcast is over, pack it up.

[1:17] Yeah.

[1:18] Okay.

[1:19] I was gonna say, before we went, Merry Cagemiss to you guys.

[1:22] Merry Cagemiss!

[1:23] Hey guys, I got both of you presents.

[1:25] Here you go, Dan, this is yours.

[1:27] Okay.

[1:28] And Stuart, here's yours, unwrap them.

[1:29] It's Cagemiss, everybody.

[1:30] The happiest time of the year.

[1:32] Is this myrrh?

[1:34] Yeah, it is.

[1:35] It's myrrh.

[1:36] Vrsprippin.

[1:38] It's a special myrrh that's made out of Merv Griffin's bones.

[1:41] Oh boy.

[1:42] Uh...

[1:43] Is he still alive?

[1:44] Uh, I mean, you could still make it out of his bones.

[1:46] Don't tell him I took his bone.

[1:48] Dan, do you like your present?

[1:50] Uh, I already have some frankincense.

[1:52] Can I...

[1:53] Uh, Dan, it's actually frankincense monster.

[1:55] Can I...

[1:56] Can I return it for some Frank and Ernest cartoons?

[2:01] What?

[2:02] Frank and Ernest comics?

[2:06] Well, that was a joke just for the Dan McCoys in the audience.

[2:10] You made yourself...

[2:12] If you remember, Frank and Ernest, a terrible comic strip.

[2:16] What if the creator of Frank and Ernest was listening right now, Dan,

[2:20] and they're crying, crying into their unemployment check because of what you said?

[2:25] Now they can't cash that check because it's all wet.

[2:28] What bank are they going to?

[2:30] The Bank of Dry Checks.

[2:33] I'm sorry, sir, this check is just too wet.

[2:36] But it still represents money, right?

[2:39] Look at the sign.

[2:40] If it's dry, you sign.

[2:42] It says, No Wet Checks.

[2:45] No wet...

[2:46] This check must be drier than this, and it's a slightly damp paper towel.

[2:52] No wet checks, no fat checks.

[2:55] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:57] I don't know.

[2:58] I don't remember.

[2:59] I think that we've...

[3:00] You've ruined the cage, Miss Barrett.

[3:02] If I recall, this is a podcast where we examine a cold case.

[3:06] Yes, slowly, over time.

[3:10] No, this is...

[3:11] While we eat Alphabits.

[3:12] It's called cereal.

[3:14] Yeah.

[3:15] This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:19] And this is the most magical time of the year.

[3:22] It's the most joyous time of the year.

[3:23] The reason for the season.

[3:25] Cage-mas.

[3:26] Cage-mas.

[3:27] When we celebrate one St. Nicholas Cage, or as he's also known, Chris Cajal.

[3:34] Actually, that sounds too much like Criss Angel.

[3:36] Forget it.

[3:37] He's just St. Nicholas Cage.

[3:39] Now, we had dearly hoped that we would be bringing to you a podcast on Left Behind this evening.

[3:48] Which is a remake of a Kirk Cameron movie starring Nicholas Cage.

[3:53] Well, I wouldn't call it a remake.

[3:55] They're both based on the same apocalyptic Christian literature.

[4:00] They're both based on the same book series.

[4:03] So, it's the Omega Man to The Last Left Behind's Last Man on Earth.

[4:08] Yes, that's what I would say.

[4:09] But, unfortunately, Left Behind is not out yet.

[4:14] I was baffled by the fact that critical...

[4:18] And I believe, not even...

[4:20] I don't think it did that well commercially.

[4:23] It was the most number one film of the year.

[4:25] It made over $17 billion.

[4:27] Why didn't we just watch the trailer like four times and then do an episode on that?

[4:31] Yeah, that would have been great.

[4:32] It would have been really fast.

[4:33] It just seems like it would have been out by now, especially before Christmas.

[4:36] But, instead, we were forced to go to our fallback Cage position, which was Rage.

[4:44] A movie called Rage.

[4:45] 2014.

[4:47] 2014 version of Rage.

[4:48] Because there's like a million Rages out there.

[4:49] Yeah, including that member of the Avengers, Rage, that no one remembers.

[4:52] The only Rage for a movie is all the Rage.

[4:55] Okay, I...

[4:56] You're welcome, guys.

[4:57] Let that one sink in.

[4:58] See, if I had said that, Elliot, the fury that would come off of you.

[5:04] For some reason, when Stuart says dumb stuff, it passes over me,

[5:07] like the angel of death over a Jewish house in Egypt.

[5:10] But, when you say dumb stuff, it kills me,

[5:12] like the angel of death over an Egyptian house in Egypt.

[5:16] A little Passover humor.

[5:18] It's not the right season for it.

[5:19] What are you going to do?

[5:21] So, this was a movie.

[5:22] So, and Cagemas, we watched a Nicolas Cage movie.

[5:25] Why do we like him?

[5:26] In this case, the raging Cajun, Nicolas Cage.

[5:30] Yeah.

[5:31] And we watched Rage.

[5:32] And so, Dan, so I like this movie.

[5:35] Was it a good, bad movie?

[5:36] No.

[5:37] Bad, bad movie.

[5:38] No, we're not there yet.

[5:39] Oh, okay, sorry.

[5:40] So, we've talked many times about Nicolas Cage being,

[5:44] generally bringing kind of one of two modes.

[5:47] Yes.

[5:48] Either...

[5:49] The mirror has two cages.

[5:51] Either like super frenetic Nicolas Cage or sleepy,

[5:55] dour,

[5:56] mumbly mouth Nicolas Cage.

[5:58] And unfortunately, mumbly Nick showed up to Rage.

[6:02] With a couple moments of extreme rage, Rage Cage.

[6:06] Yeah, but very little, considering the movie is called Rage.

[6:10] Exactly.

[6:11] Although the original title of the movie was apparently Tokarev, which...

[6:15] Yeah, named after the gun.

[6:16] Yeah, which promises a lot less rage than Rage.

[6:20] It's also not based on the Stephen King, Richard Bachman novel, Rage.

[6:24] So, don't think Nicolas Cage plays a high school student

[6:28] who couldn't get it up when a girl wanted to sleep with him

[6:31] and so shoots his teacher.

[6:33] Yeah.

[6:34] It's also not based on the video game Primal Rage,

[6:37] where you can play a prehistoric gorilla monster that farts on people.

[6:41] Farts on a raptor, thus winning some kind of tournament?

[6:46] Yeah, I don't know.

[6:48] Yeah, it's not based on Killer Instinct.

[6:50] It's not based on any N64 fighting game.

[6:53] That's true.

[6:54] It's not based on Clay Fighter,

[6:57] which I guess is an SNES game.

[6:59] So, should we talk about what...

[7:00] And Rage is also directed by a man named Paco Cabezas,

[7:04] who I'm sure is a real person with a real name,

[7:07] but it sounds like Nicolas Cage directed it

[7:09] under some kind of cartoon Mexican pseudonym.

[7:13] So, I apologize to the real-life Paco Cabezas.

[7:17] You have a funny name.

[7:19] So, anyway, let's talk about this movie.

[7:21] Nicolas Cage plays a man named McGuire, Paul McGuire.

[7:26] With a name like that, you know he's a badass

[7:28] because he's got a tough-ass first name, Paul.

[7:31] Poor Paulie.

[7:32] Yeah, they call him Paulie a lot.

[7:34] So, Paul McGuire used to be a criminal,

[7:36] but now he's some kind of contractor,

[7:39] legitimate businessman, good guy.

[7:41] He's married to Rachel McNichol.

[7:44] Rachel Nichols.

[7:45] Rachel McNichol.

[7:46] There's no...

[7:47] Rachel McAdams?

[7:48] Rachel Nicholas Cage.

[7:49] Okay, sure.

[7:50] He's married to Rachel Nichols,

[7:52] and they have a daughter,

[7:54] but she's his second wife.

[7:55] The daughter is an adoptee.

[7:57] Anyway, he has turned his back on the life of crime,

[8:01] which is good because the whisperiest,

[8:03] graveliest man in the biz, Danny Glover,

[8:06] is the local cop in town.

[8:08] That town, Mobile, Alabama.

[8:10] Population, 40.

[8:12] And 39 of them are criminals.

[8:15] Because it turns out Nicholas Cage's two best friends

[8:17] are his old criminal buddies, Cain and Danny.

[8:20] But one day...

[8:22] True story.

[8:23] I went to high school with a guy named Danner Cain.

[8:27] Whoa.

[8:28] I know.

[8:29] Looking back, I'm like, I'm so jealous.

[8:30] Now, see, last week you bestowed upon me

[8:33] the most boring story of the world award.

[8:35] No way.

[8:36] That is way too cool of a name.

[8:37] I said you were in the forefront for the nominations.

[8:40] I want to put Stewart up for that same prize.

[8:44] Wait, no.

[8:45] He knew a guy who was the kid of Blythe Danner and Cain Hunter.

[8:49] Come on.

[8:50] You're remembering it much more interesting.

[8:52] Yeah.

[8:53] He's an acting killer.

[8:55] I understand.

[8:56] But I do want to...

[8:58] It's true what Elliot says.

[9:00] In this movie, Mobile, Alabama...

[9:01] Your story was boring.

[9:03] In this movie, Mobile, Alabama,

[9:05] might as well be one of those movies in the movies...

[9:07] One of those movies in the movies, yeah.

[9:09] Do you even pay attention to what you're saying?

[9:11] No, I don't.

[9:12] I think it should be clear by now that I do not, sir.

[9:16] It's like a movie in the movies.

[9:18] Angels with Dirty Souls and Home Alone.

[9:20] No, it's one of those towns that exist in the movies

[9:24] where it's just like apparently all of the witness relocation

[9:30] has gone to this one town.

[9:32] Because everyone's a former crook.

[9:34] Everyone's a former crook.

[9:35] And everybody, when they hear gunshots, do not call the police.

[9:38] No.

[9:39] They just pull out their guns and start firing or they get into a car chase.

[9:41] Yosemite Salmon, yeah.

[9:43] Yosemite Salmon, that's the special tonight.

[9:46] It's a whole salmon.

[9:48] It's a whole salmon that we put a big mustache and a cowboy hat on

[9:52] and then we shoot six guns into it

[9:54] and we vex it with a mischievous rabbit.

[9:57] Yeah, exactly.

[9:58] Exactly.

[9:59] Can I put a comment?

[10:00] We have a rabbit on it? We wave a cooked rabbit in front of it with fury.

[10:05] To make it mad, yeah.

[10:08] We know it's done when it says, con-sarn-deg-nav.

[10:13] That's the sound it makes when it's done being cooked.

[10:15] Anyway, you send me salmon, that's for $37.

[10:18] Wow!

[10:20] Is it farm-to-table? It's very rare.

[10:23] For dessert, we've got a Yogi Berries.

[10:26] No, that was yesterday's dessert special.

[10:28] Today, we have the Elmer Fudge.

[10:30] This is a Bugs Bunny villain-themed restaurant.

[10:33] I'm sorry, I forgot.

[10:36] Oh, man.

[10:38] Not Marvin the Mars Bar?

[10:41] Good work. It's Marvin the Marzipan.

[10:46] Wile E. Coyote Meal?

[10:49] Yeah, yeah. Supergranular.

[10:51] Supergranola.

[10:53] It's an appetizer?

[10:54] Yeah, that's right. It's an appetizer oatmeal.

[10:58] What kind of meal is this? Oatmeal, fish, and then fudge or marzipan?

[11:02] Before you have your dinner, sir, the chef wanted to send out this amuse-bouche of oatmeal.

[11:10] Well, that sounds noticeably unpleasant.

[11:14] You can see it as a rather large bowl of oatmeal.

[11:18] It's part of the market menu. I mean, it's free, basically.

[11:21] It's not amuse-bouche at all. It is a bowl of oatmeal.

[11:24] Well, you will not be allowed to have your entree until you finish your oatmeal.

[11:28] That seems like torture.

[11:30] Is this some kind of prison dinner?

[11:32] All right. Eat up, sir.

[11:34] No, no, no, no.

[11:36] The plane is coming into the bunker.

[11:39] Wait, into the what?

[11:41] What is the plane going into? The hunker?

[11:43] The bunker.

[11:44] The bunker?

[11:45] The plane bunker.

[11:46] Okay. Stop right there.

[11:48] We're not far into this movie.

[11:50] So the plane, is this what? Plane Hitler?

[11:52] Yeah.

[11:53] Hiding in his plane bunker?

[11:55] Yep. It's very angry.

[11:57] At the end of World War Plane?

[11:58] Yeah.

[12:00] So let's talk to the movie.

[12:01] Man, those planes movies got dark, dude.

[12:03] Yeah.

[12:04] Well, they did that whole, like, how do these planes have sex thing out the window.

[12:08] There was that meme where they redubbed planes, you know?

[12:12] All different.

[12:13] Yeah, yeah. The plane was getting mad about different things.

[12:15] Yep.

[12:16] Anyway.

[12:17] What was this movie about?

[12:19] Well, okay.

[12:20] Nicolas Cage.

[12:21] Nicolas Cage is a former criminal.

[12:22] He has his beloved young daughter.

[12:24] But one night while his daughter is horsing around at home with two high school friends of hers.

[12:30] Who look very similar.

[12:32] Yeah, they're both.

[12:33] I feel like they could have mixed it up like those Power Rangers kids.

[12:37] They're both white-skinned skinny dudes with four locks draped over their heads.

[12:41] One of them has, like, a huge four lock over his face.

[12:43] The other one is the gay law student from How to Get Away with Murder.

[12:50] How do you get away with murder?

[12:52] Well, according to that film, you wrap a guy up in a rug, take him to the woods and burn him.

[13:00] And it's not a film, it's a television show.

[13:02] And, again, I'm not listing the words that I'm saying.

[13:06] Dan, I've been told that the real good film writing is being done for television right now.

[13:10] That's what I hear.

[13:11] All the good movies are on television.

[13:13] And all the good TV shows are on the radio.

[13:15] Good novels are in the movies.

[13:17] Yep, like Pepper McGee and Molly and The Great Gilder Sleep.

[13:20] And all the good video games are on Bazooka Joe comic strips.

[13:24] Now, okay, Nicolas Cage comes home from a dinner to find that Danny Glover is there.

[13:29] And he's like, oh, man, this pig is going to hassle me again.

[13:33] No, no, no, au contraire, his daughter has been kidnapped.

[13:35] And the two boys tell a tale of kidnappers breaking in and stealing her.

[13:40] This is after an opening which seemed to be paid exclusively by wine bottle product placement.

[13:46] There's a lot of shots of the labels of wine bottles.

[13:49] Which shows off how classy it is.

[13:51] Oh, yeah, yeah, because they don't drink liquor in this movie.

[13:54] They drink wine.

[13:55] It's all wine bottles labeled.

[13:57] So they say that people broke in and the police are getting nowhere with their investigation.

[14:02] So Paul and his friends, they beat up a guy to try to find information.

[14:08] And the guy tells them no information, basically.

[14:11] But involves them almost killing a woman.

[14:14] Yeah, so Paul gets his old crew back together, right?

[14:16] Yeah, well, Danny and Kane, his only two friends in the world.

[14:19] Because they were all criminals together.

[14:21] And it turns out there's something in their past.

[14:23] They went to criminal school together.

[14:24] Something in their past that may have led to this.

[14:27] Nicholas Cage seems to think that this kidnapping was a reprisal for something they did.

[14:32] Now, his daughter turns up dead.

[14:35] So he, let's just cut to the chase.

[14:38] And after his funeral, after a funeral, my favorite character in the movie, Peter Stormare, as a wheelchair-bound Irish?

[14:46] Not quite sure about his accent?

[14:48] Crime boss tells him, hey.

[14:50] His name is O'Connell or something like that.

[14:52] I feel like not so sure about his accent is how they describe him on IMDb.

[14:57] His character is named not-so-sure-about-his-accent-guy.

[15:01] That was not a very good joke.

[15:03] But anyway, Peter Stormare tells him, bury the hurt inside you.

[15:06] I didn't get revenge when I was put in this wheelchair after a big shootout with the Russian mob.

[15:11] You don't worry about it.

[15:12] But Nicholas Cage is convinced, convinced that this is all in reprisal for a thing they did when they were kids.

[15:19] When they killed the bag man for the Russian mob, stole the money and his guns.

[15:25] A Tokarev gun.

[15:26] A Tokarev gun.

[15:27] Because his daughter was also killed by a Tokarev gun.

[15:30] And he's like, uh-oh, they figured out it was us, even though that was years and years ago.

[15:35] And now they're coming after us.

[15:37] Or now they got my daughter, so now I want revenge.

[15:39] And he and his two friends go on a three-man rampage through the Russian mob,

[15:43] which means multiple times they smash their doors, shoot everybody in a room, and then leave.

[15:48] Yeah.

[15:49] It's like the video game rampage with three different monsters you can choose from.

[15:53] Not at all.

[15:54] And they're, like, smashing the buildings as fast as they can.

[15:57] Yeah, eating the people.

[15:58] Yeah, you can yank a person out and chew them up.

[16:00] Yep, film at 11.

[16:01] You don't want to eat one of those toilets, though.

[16:04] They don't like eating the toilet.

[16:05] Well, because then you shrink back into a normal person, right?

[16:09] And you're nude.

[16:10] You're embarrassed and you kind of walk off the screen.

[16:12] You're not totally nude.

[16:13] Aren't you wearing, like, underpants or something?

[16:14] Well, yeah, because it's a video game for kids.

[16:16] Yeah, it's not like you're going to see some dude's dick.

[16:18] It's crazy.

[16:20] Now, here's what I didn't like about that game.

[16:22] You had a big Godzilla-type monster, you had a big King Kong monster,

[16:25] and then you had a giant werewolf?

[16:27] What the hell was that?

[16:28] Wait, you don't think a big werewolf would be cool?

[16:32] I guess it would be cool, but there's no precedent for it.

[16:35] Oh, well, I'm sorry that they got points off for being original, Elliot.

[16:39] Yeah, that's how it is.

[16:41] Yeah, sometimes you've got to be the first one in the field.

[16:44] You know who didn't get points off for being original because it was an original?

[16:47] Rage, starring Nicolas Cage.

[16:48] Let's continue, shall we?

[16:50] Here's what happens.

[16:54] Let me just tell the story real fast.

[16:56] So they're trying to get revenge on the Russian group.

[16:59] The Russian group kidnaps Kane, and they're like, why are you doing this?

[17:03] They say, well, we're getting revenge on you for killing Paul's daughter.

[17:08] Why would I want to kill Paul's daughter?

[17:10] Because we killed your brother years ago.

[17:12] And he's like, what?

[17:13] You killed my brother?

[17:16] The Russian guy tells Peter Stormare to kill Nicolas Cage.

[17:19] Peter Stormare won't, so there's a little gunfight there, and the Russian kills him.

[17:22] What a gunfight it was.

[17:24] It's a gunfight between three men and a guy in a wheelchair,

[17:27] and the guy in the wheelchair almost wins the whole thing.

[17:29] He totally would have won if he had more bullets.

[17:31] Yeah, and a couple more shootouts later, Nicolas Cage eventually learns.

[17:38] Well, he decides that Danny has ratted out Kane,

[17:43] and they get in a fight, and he stabs his last living best friend.

[17:47] He eventually realizes, Danny Glover, there's a car chase where a cop car blows up.

[17:53] Danny Glover, and every time Nicolas –

[17:55] He's the most ineffectual cop.

[17:57] Every time Nicolas Cage has a car chase through the streets of Mobile

[18:00] in which cops are in a blown-up car, they must have died,

[18:03] where he shoots a bunch of people, and Danny Glover shows up and goes,

[18:05] hey, just walk away.

[18:08] Walk away, and I won't have to arrest you.

[18:10] I really appreciate it if you not go on a rampage.

[18:12] I'll give you one more try to not be so rageful.

[18:15] And then, okay, I'm working on a 74-strike system.

[18:18] I may have to take you in next time.

[18:20] I might have to book you if you kill any more people.

[18:23] It's so clearly that the screenwriter had this arc for Nicolas Cage's character,

[18:29] and they're like, well, shouldn't the cops show up at some point?

[18:32] And they're like, and I guess.

[18:35] I mean, they don't even really give an explanation for it.

[18:37] It's not like they're old pals.

[18:39] Well, Danny Glover's been kind of looking out for him.

[18:41] Well, but he's like, he went straight, so I don't want you to not be straight anymore.

[18:46] So could you just walk away?

[18:48] By that time, he's murdered several people.

[18:50] He's murdered a lot, and Danny Glover's, I guess, assistant, I don't know, his deputy,

[18:54] is like, hey, this guy might still be a criminal.

[18:58] Let's look after him.

[18:59] And he's wrong.

[19:00] Nicolas Cage wasn't a criminal until now when he's killed like a dozen people.

[19:02] He's killed a bunch of people, and Danny Glover's like,

[19:04] someday I'll find a way to put you guys, you and your crew away.

[19:07] It's like, yeah, just go find that body and match the ballistic.

[19:10] Dude, there's murdered bodies all over your city.

[19:12] He was in a car chase with crashes and stuff.

[19:14] Put him away.

[19:15] Yeah, it turns out without Mel Gibson, he's not a very good cop.

[19:18] No, and he's the least lethal of weapons.

[19:21] Like trying to strangle somebody with a piece of spaghetti.

[19:25] A dry piece of spaghetti.

[19:26] What?

[19:27] It's just going to snap.

[19:28] Yeah.

[19:29] Maybe you could poke him.

[19:30] You could poke him in the neck and kind of hurt him a little bit.

[19:32] I mean, it would be unpleasant, not a pleasant feeling.

[19:34] I wouldn't like if someone poked me with a piece of spaghetti.

[19:37] Like, ugh.

[19:38] Yeah, you'd be like, ah, that hurts.

[19:39] Stop it.

[19:40] I guess I'll die now.

[19:41] So anyway, but uh-oh.

[19:43] Did O'Henry write this story?

[19:45] Because it turns out the Russian mob wasn't behind Nicolas Cage's daughter's death.

[19:49] Actually, she was horsing around with her friends with some guns they found in Nicolas Cage's closet.

[19:56] And accidentally, one of her friends shot her in the head.

[20:00] And they hid the body in the woods until the police found it.

[20:03] So it seems Nicholas Cage's rampage has been for naught.

[20:07] And it was but the remnants of his past violence, which he thought he had put behind him,

[20:12] but which reared their ugly head at the most inopportune time,

[20:16] robbing him of the one innocence that he had been able to lay hold to.

[20:20] A real examination of the human condition.

[20:23] And Nicholas Cage calls his wife.

[20:25] Is he a violent man naturally?

[20:27] Can he get past that? Or is there an aid in him?

[20:30] Stuart, answer the question.

[20:34] You're on trial here. I don't know.

[20:37] Cage trial. So where did he get that really dark, fake looking black hair from?

[20:44] Did he steal it from John Travolta when they got their faces swapped?

[20:47] I feel like that's extra textural.

[20:50] Nicholas Cage does not look his best in this movie.

[20:52] I would I would call him, I guess, hair transplant Gary Shandling.

[20:57] He's like kind of a puffy older guy with jet black shoe polish hair.

[21:02] But here's OK. So the end, Nicholas Cage calls his wife, tells her,

[21:05] don't come home as an execution squad approaches the house.

[21:10] Cut to black, directed by Paco Cabezas.

[21:13] And then over the credits, we see some police creep in, I guess, to find Nicholas Cage's dead body.

[21:18] And Danny Glover's just standing at the bottom of the stairs, shaking his head.

[21:22] When will they learn? Another job done well.

[21:27] Oh, he's like, well, another case solved. I'll lock this one away in my crime files.

[21:33] Erase that one off the big board.

[21:38] Stuart, I'm surprised you didn't jump in earlier when we're talking about Peter Stormare's.

[21:42] So you forgot the best scene in the movie.

[21:45] Now, this is a scene that makes the movie worth watching.

[21:47] At least this part, this part is the scene where Nicholas Cage is pushing.

[21:51] It's right after his daughter's funeral.

[21:53] Peter Stormare says, let's take a walk.

[21:55] And so Nicholas Cage is pushing his wheelchair through the cemetery.

[21:58] And there's just something about the angle of the shot that makes Peter Stormare in his wheelchair.

[22:04] And Nicholas Cage walking behind him look like he's walking.

[22:07] He's two tiny legs. It looks like Peter Stormare has two tiny dwarf legs.

[22:11] He's using the walk down the street. Keep the shot for so long.

[22:16] And once Stuart pointed it out to me, I could not see it any other way.

[22:19] So it was a real optical illusion.

[22:20] You thought you were looking at a pretty lady and then all of a sudden you're looking at an old lady.

[22:24] I mean, that is just a natural passage of time.

[22:27] You thought you were looking at a duck and then you're looking at a rabbit.

[22:30] Again, the natural passage of time.

[22:31] You marry a duck and suddenly in the blink of an eye, it's 40 years later and that duck's a rabbit.

[22:36] A rascally rabbit.

[22:38] A rascally rabbit.

[22:42] I'm sensing like a Bugs Bunny theme.

[22:45] Yeah, the restaurant. The Bugs Bunny themed restaurant that I opened.

[22:48] Yeah. That's right.

[22:51] It's mostly carrots. Is it like a plant in Hollywood?

[22:53] Does it have like a mannequin wearing backwards Bugs Bunny and Taz clothes?

[22:58] That's exactly. Yeah.

[23:00] And one of Bugs Bunny's original teeth is in a case.

[23:05] And for a while in the 90s, it was like a hip-hop restaurant for some reason that I don't quite understand.

[23:11] And then in the early 2000s, it was like this weird action science fiction restaurant.

[23:14] Yeah. Do you guys remember that show Lunatics Unleashed?

[23:17] Oh, it was the sci-fi version. The Adventures of Buzz Bunny.

[23:23] I'll tell you when that show made sense to me.

[23:25] Okay. I was in the Dominican Republic waiting in a very small airport.

[23:29] I had malaria.

[23:31] It was on a TV in the food court of this very small airport.

[23:35] It was playing Lunatics Unleashed dubbed into Spanish.

[23:38] And there's something about watching in Spanish where it was like,

[23:40] all right, this makes sense as the like bizarre bootleg Looney Tunes cartoon produced in the Dominican Republic

[23:46] where they don't really understand that the characters are not badass action heroes.

[23:50] This makes sense to me now.

[23:52] So I advise you to watch it in Spanish in the DR airport.

[23:56] Dominican Republic.

[23:59] It's worth a trip.

[24:00] That shit out.

[24:01] That's what you're saying, right? It's worth a trip.

[24:03] Oh, yeah. And then just turn around and come right back.

[24:06] Yeah.

[24:06] So Buzz Bunny, let's set him aside.

[24:08] We're talking about Rage Cage and the Cage of Rage.

[24:12] I don't know how much there is to talk about.

[24:13] He is trapped by his rage. That's the thing.

[24:15] Yeah, his rage has damned him.

[24:17] And I'll tell you this. Okay, I'll give you this.

[24:19] The story is thin as all get out.

[24:21] There's not a lot of plot here. There's not a lot of character.

[24:23] But for a movie that's not very good and is very boring,

[24:27] I thought at times visually it had some nice style.

[24:30] There were shots every now and then where I was like, oh, that's an interesting shot.

[24:33] Now there were also a lot of action scenes where you couldn't really tell what was going on

[24:37] and then it would turn to ultra slow-mo and there'd just be people pumping gun bullets into walls.

[24:42] Yeah, but I mean, I felt like it was a weird mixture of the worst kind of bullets.

[24:46] Oh, yeah.

[24:47] It was a weird mixture of like very boring shots

[24:51] and with the occasional like a decent shot mixed in there.

[24:56] Yeah.

[24:58] I feel like you could make a Tumblr called the Cage Rage Tumblr.

[25:01] You'd have like six still images and you'd be like,

[25:03] this looks like a pretty neat movie.

[25:05] Then you'd watch it and it'd be terrible.

[25:06] Yeah.

[25:08] I hate to do this.

[25:09] Three of those shots would be from that one scene of him pushing Peter Strummer.

[25:12] Yeah, but then there'd be one from the scene where he's chasing a Russian guy

[25:17] and this Russian guy is easily 10, 15 years older than Nicolas Cage.

[25:21] Yeah.

[25:22] And one of Nicolas Cage's friends...

[25:24] He's probably been drinking because he was at a strip club.

[25:26] Oh, yeah, he was just at a strip club and Nicolas Cage starts chasing him

[25:29] and one of his friends shoots the guy in the belly from far away

[25:32] and his other friend is like, what are you doing?

[25:34] In the middle of the street in broad daylight.

[25:35] Just in broad daylight and Nicolas Cage chases after him

[25:38] and it takes Nicolas Cage a surprisingly long time to catch up to

[25:41] and catch this older gentleman who's been shot in the gut already.

[25:45] Oh, and it was one of those no-strip strip clubs

[25:48] that we've seen so many times in the movies.

[25:52] And this is like...

[25:52] There's no cover charge.

[25:53] That's why people go to those.

[25:54] Because everything else is covered up already.

[25:56] Yep.

[25:57] It's a negative two-drink minimum.

[26:00] They buy you two drinks to show off.

[26:02] This is the sort of movie where it confuses me the most though

[26:04] where it's like there's clearly enough like violence and swearing to like...

[26:08] Yeah, people are raging at us.

[26:09] I don't know.

[26:09] There's not that much swearing.

[26:11] I think this might have been a PG-13 movie.

[26:12] You think so?

[26:13] It's pretty violent, but it's not...

[26:15] Did we just get tricked into watching a PG-13 movie?

[26:17] I think we did.

[26:18] This is the...

[26:18] That happens to me all the time.

[26:19] The Unborn, was that a PG-13 one?

[26:21] Wait, what?

[26:22] What was the one where the poster was the girl looking in the mirror?

[26:25] Oh, I think it was the Unborn.

[26:27] You're talking about the butt.

[26:28] The butt, yeah.

[26:29] That butt horror movie.

[26:30] It was...

[26:31] It was like in traffic where you're sold on a butt.

[26:34] Exactly.

[26:35] It's amazing to me that in this day and age

[26:37] you can still sell a movie on the image of the promise of a girl's butt.

[26:42] That's still enough to sell a film.

[26:44] Yeah.

[26:45] So, Dan, you were saying...

[26:46] I mean, that's like a real flashback to the Roger Corman days.

[26:50] It's like the cheapest special effects.

[26:52] Just slap a butt on the poster.

[26:54] You double-checking?

[26:55] I mean, I guess that's Tinto Brass' whole career.

[26:57] I was trying to look at what the rating was.

[26:59] He pays off the promise of butts, that's for sure.

[27:02] I'm not finding it, so...

[27:03] Maybe it was unrated.

[27:05] Yeah.

[27:05] Was this released in theaters?

[27:06] I don't even know that.

[27:07] I do not know.

[27:09] Was this a movie that was made?

[27:10] We may have had a...

[27:12] Were we incepted?

[27:13] ...group hallucination.

[27:14] Grucellation, it's called.

[27:16] So, in some ways, this doesn't fall into the category of movies we would normally watch

[27:21] other than at Starr's Nicholas Cage.

[27:23] I mean, I think it was released in a theater somewhere.

[27:25] No way.

[27:27] What theater where?

[27:29] I mean, I don't know.

[27:30] Let's call it the Cage or...

[27:33] Cage or whatever.

[27:34] At, like, BAM cinemas?

[27:36] At the Landmark Sunshine fancy theater?

[27:38] I bet you there's, like, a ground-round family restaurant

[27:41] where this was accidentally projected on a screen

[27:43] while children ate free popcorn while they were waiting for their chicken fingers.

[27:46] According to Wikipedia, like, this is the entirety of the production section

[27:52] of Wikipedia's entry on Rage.

[27:55] Filming began in June 2013 in Mobile, Alabama.

[28:01] The end.

[28:01] That's all.

[28:02] I mean, do you really want to know more about the production of Rage?

[28:04] That's all you need to know.

[28:05] Yeah.

[28:06] Now, here's...

[28:07] I'm gonna...

[28:08] You know what? I'm just gonna go out on a limb.

[28:09] You know what this movie is?

[28:09] I mean, Mobile looks great.

[28:11] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[28:13] I think the...

[28:13] A great place to live, except for all the crack houses and places that don't have wallpaper.

[28:19] There's almost no rooms with wallpaper in this movie.

[28:21] It's like they all live in that one apartment in Twelve Monkeys

[28:24] that they hide out in very briefly.

[28:26] And there was the scene where Nicolas Cage was chasing that guy

[28:29] and it was basically a direct lift of Raising Arizona.

[28:32] There was, like...

[28:33] I hope that that was, like, a real nod to Raising Arizona,

[28:36] where he's chasing the guy and they run into a house,

[28:38] they're running through backyards, and the dog is barking at them, like...

[28:41] I hope... I wish they were like,

[28:42] You know what?

[28:44] We're gonna put as many Nicolas Cage references into this movie as we can.

[28:47] And they put that one in and they were like,

[28:48] Uh...

[28:50] How are we gonna fit Honeymoon in Vegas into this movie?

[28:52] You know what?

[28:53] That's easy.

[28:53] I mean, there was a Sorcerer's Apprentice one that we totally missed.

[28:57] We just missed it, guys.

[28:59] What do you mean?

[28:59] What was it?

[29:00] We're not Sorcerer Heads.

[29:01] We're not Sorcerer...

[29:02] I don't know what it is, man.

[29:03] We just know the movie well enough.

[29:05] We're not Apprentices.

[29:07] Is that what Sorcerer's Apprentice fans are called?

[29:09] Sorcerer's Apprentice.

[29:11] Is that a drug you're taking?

[29:13] I think you should be taking it the way he's just...

[29:15] Side effects of Sorcerer's Apprentice might include saying random shit,

[29:19] misreading things,

[29:21] late...

[29:24] I've got Restless Tongue Syndrome.

[29:26] How many Nicolas Cage movies did we watch?

[29:28] That is the worst come on you could ever give to a girl.

[29:32] Hey, baby.

[29:34] I got Restless Tongue Syndrome.

[29:35] I'm terrible at that.

[29:39] So, what were you saying?

[29:41] Yeah, exactly.

[29:42] I was trying to leave some fucking subtext there, dude.

[29:45] Yeah, come on.

[29:47] Yeah, how many Nicolas Cage movies have we watched?

[29:49] We've watched a bunch.

[29:50] And this is probably the second worst.

[29:52] That's one of those things that we could have double-checked before.

[29:55] I mean, I didn't ask the question.

[29:57] I think we've...

[29:58] That's why I asked it to you.

[29:59] I thought you'd fucking...

[30:00] Remember more than three less than a hundred other than the like the three that have been critically acclaimed in that time

[30:06] We have watched every Nicolas Cage movie this come out every single one since the flop house started

[30:11] Did we watch we didn't watch the one with John Cusack, right?

[30:16] We didn't watch that I guess I just disproved your fucking thesis professor wrong critical critically acclaimed movies

[30:23] He was pretty critically acclaimed that right? I don't think so

[30:27] Let's you know what Dan I was too harsh with you just now and I apologize I was feeling a little bit of I

[30:32] Guess you'd call it rage

[30:35] And I apologize

[30:37] We've been in each other's throats all night. Yeah, because of this damn Nicolas Cage movie Nicolas Cage. Why are you doing this to us?

[30:44] This is supposed to be the most joyful time of year

[30:47] Yeah, we got a lovely weather for a cage ride together with you. We just got to wrap this shit up

[30:53] The weather outside is caging the movie is kind of enraging but since we have no place to go

[31:00] Let it cage. Let it cage like a terrible

[31:04] So is this a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie kind of like Stuart?

[31:08] What do you what what what do you say aside from that one scene? Yeah, it was a bad bad movie

[31:14] Okay, one scene in which a poorly chosen camera angle

[31:18] Like Peter Stormer had tiny legs

[31:21] Yeah

[31:23] Yeah, I

[31:24] Agree, there's really as you can hear in your ear holes right now

[31:29] You're struggling to think of things to say about this movie because this is about as nothing as a movie could be like the first

[31:35] Ten minutes of it. I thought oh this could be like a

[31:38] Very like stripped-down basic revenge movie that I could enjoy and then like the last five minutes. I'm like, okay. Well it had

[31:47] Slightly more on its mind than I thought it did like it was about house

[31:52] Yeah, I mean violence begets violence

[31:54] Yeah, I mean there's a little twist of like, you know him like going on this whole rampage and not not for any good reason

[32:00] But in between there's a whole lot of nothing. It's a really repetitive movie, too

[32:05] They just kind of go around in circles the characters never accomplishing anything because of course they're wrong-headed the whole time. But even like

[32:13] Even the repercussion you think you could have set up that there were big repercussions of what they're doing

[32:17] But all it ended up being was this Russian guy and Peter Stormer shooting each other in a parking lot

[32:22] Yeah, and I would get shot at the end, but that I mean it takes a long time

[32:26] Do you think that was Danny Glover's plan the whole time was to get the entire criminal underworld of Alabama to clean itself out?

[32:33] Yeah, maybe he's like that's natural selection

[32:38] Play it off as that afterwards

[32:42] Turned out just as I thought it would damn it Danny

[32:44] You let several shootouts go on in your in your town. Dozens of people are dead. There was a car chase

[32:50] Yeah, just all the play according to plan

[32:55] Pure look

[32:57] You might say I was the predator, too. I

[33:01] Guess my mind is quite the lethal weapon

[33:05] Beloved no longer will Mobile, Alabama be a grand Canyon Nicholas Cage

[33:11] But all I see is the color purple

[33:15] He's not in that

[33:18] Danny Glover

[33:24] Is his character's name Morgan Freeman racist

[33:28] Is a Gene Ackman. Yeah

[33:31] Richard Harris

[33:34] So anyway, I also give it a bad bad this it had potential any movie called rage with Nicholas

[33:39] You know, I'm thinking of Silverado

[33:47] He was an irreversible, I'm sorry, I was thinking of who friend Roger Rabbit Kevin Klein was in

[33:53] Unforgiven, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's and Jeff Goldblum. Yeah

[33:58] at his sexiest westernist

[34:01] You guys and suck it. You're not just racist. You're Western racist all Westerns look alike to you

[34:09] I was watching that movie Blazing Saddles. Oh, no. No, I'm sorry Wyatt Earp

[34:14] So I was watching that movie stagecoach. Oh, no. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was a million ways to die in the West

[34:19] Oh, no, you shouldn't watch that

[34:21] And I give it a bad bad could have been could have been potential good

[34:24] I'm sure have been I would rate this one only for the cage completest watch stolen again before you watch rage once

[34:33] I'd even watch Seeking Justice before this one. Yes. He just has had some funny stuff in it

[34:37] I don't buy those candy bars to show that he wanted justice

[34:43] Had a demon fight at least I think I may still watch this before Bangkok dangerous

[34:47] Yes, I would say this is the second worst we've seen with Bangkok dangerous is still the word because at least this movie

[34:53] There's some rage and Bangkok dangerous. There's nothing dangerous not even date

[34:57] No, it's barely in Bangkok mostly takes place in the Bangkok suburbs

[35:02] So Bangkok Heights, they call it

[35:05] Bangkok Palisades

[35:08] moving on

[35:10] org

[35:11] We have sold out our live show at the bell house. What?

[35:16] That's right. What it's great out. There are no tickets left. There are none not even if they sleep with you Dan

[35:26] That was creepy, I'm sorry, I introduced it super creepy to me

[35:32] No, but but here's so thanks floppers for selling out the our show weeks ahead of when the show actually was and if that thing

[35:39] Dan just said creep you out. You can't return those tickets. No, no, no non-refundable

[35:43] But the office still open

[35:48] Creepy so but we did want to say that

[35:52] If you if you're coming if you want to make a night of it

[35:55] You want to come to risk the podcast that's on before us?

[35:59] Oh, yeah, mr. Kevin Allison of the state. Yeah

[36:03] true stories boldly told

[36:06] If you use the code flop house fan at checkout, you can get those tickets or

[36:13] $10

[36:15] opposed to 12 as opposed to

[36:18] $12 advance tickets or that's a 50% saving. So I don't know math. No

[36:24] So that code again is flop house fan

[36:28] When buying tickets or risk which precedes us that starts at 8. Yeah, and we're on some 10

[36:36] so

[36:40] So, what's the code again a flop house house and hey, we got another thing to plug don't we what's that now?

[36:46] It's coming out the day came out today the day we're recording this but

[36:50] Maybe you'll still get a chance to buy it in stores. It hasn't sold out but a little comical book

[36:55] We've been talking about called flash Gordon holiday special. Yeah, the internet is on fire. Somebody put it out

[37:02] Let it burn because the flash Gordon holiday special is awesome and on fire wait

[37:09] Don't really read the logic

[37:12] There's three stories in it each one written by a different flop house co-host

[37:16] Their names are Dan Stewart and Elliot and they're or really radical, you know for a fun game

[37:22] You could not look on the inside cover and try and guess who wrote what?

[37:25] It's not that fun. No, I mean, I mean if you're a lonely child

[37:28] With no friends sitting at home you could you do that and I what are you just gonna tell the the darkness?

[37:34] Yeah, you're just gonna make those guesses out

[37:36] And then once you if you get it right you can to the fucking Baba Duke

[37:41] If you get it, right, you can quietly go

[37:45] And then masturbate to the Red Sonja ads in the back of the comic

[37:49] That was the best part was showing

[37:51] showing a guy at work

[37:53] Showing one of my customers when I was at work to the comic I wrote and they always stop at the Red Sonja

[37:59] I'm like, I didn't write that. They're like

[38:02] Maybe you should she devil with the sword you say?

[38:06] But

[38:08] Why is always butts with you now that we have gotten through that nonsense? I want to plug something. Oh, so

[38:16] Whoa surprise plug on February 21st in

[38:21] The next year that's 2015 at the Alamo Draft House in Yonkers, New York

[38:28] They're going to be screening a rare 35 millimeter print of the movie

[38:34] Castle free what?

[38:37] Indeed you will see the ding-dong ripoff in the flesh

[38:41] Just joking it's gonna be on screen. Oh

[38:44] I'm gonna be there

[38:46] There may be some other special guests tickets are gonna go on sale in January

[38:51] That's February 21st. I totally recommend it. It's super fun

[38:56] Alamo Draft House

[38:58] So Yonkers, New York moving on USA

[39:02] to land of Earth rated R

[39:05] Is looking way at the universe?

[39:08] Hello, I'm taco the elephant magician moral high church here the master of clerical magic

[39:14] I'm Magnus Burnside to the fighter. Did you guys like that?

[39:18] Did you the listener like that?

[39:20] You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen and anything is possible

[39:26] I am Griffin McElroy dungeon master for the adventure zone a new podcast on maximum fun in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very

[39:34] erotically charged role-playing experience

[39:36] You can catch it every other Thursday here on maximum fun org or it's for Dungeons and Dragons, but with family

[39:46] Hi, this is Dave Hill from Dave Hill's podcasting incident on the maximum fun network

[39:51] I'm here with my lovely and talented secretary miss Shana Feinberg Shana

[39:56] I understand you've been doing a bit of research to find out what listeners think of

[40:00] show yes i have dave and what have you found well people that love it say they love it because it's

[40:05] just dave hanging out with someone in his apartment awesome well what do people that hate it say they

[40:11] hate it because it's just dave hanging out with someone in his apartment oh listen to dave hill's

[40:16] podcast dancing on the maximum fun now what mother was that too much no i think it was perfect

[40:30] we love them the next segment you write them we read them you eat them we see them you beat them

[40:48] then you greet them lead them cheat them thanks so this first let her is titled let her in

[41:00] she's a letter let her into your mailbox let her in it's a letter for you and the lady but a letter

[41:12] it's a piece of paper with writing on it but there's something distinctly feminine about it

[41:18] can't quite explain it maybe a woman was reincarnated as a letter or a tree made into

[41:26] paper for us to write a letter i don't know it's beyond my understanding

[41:34] turned her into a tree now the important thing is it's a letter letter in

[41:41] letters was taped in front of a live studio audience thanks guys or specifically

[41:49] sit letters sit rough good letter this goes a little something like this dear dan something

[41:55] like this or is this the exact text of the letter i may paraphrase you know he's mixing it up dear

[42:00] dan the real mccoy elliot whalen caylin and stewart beefcake wellington oh wow if the crypt

[42:07] keeper opened a chinese restaurant and this feels like entrapment one would it be scary out or die

[42:15] in two would he serve mongolians three would he serve boo goo die pan i feel like this is more of

[42:27] a pitch than a letter if he played a joke would he put creepy in your coke not not to be confused

[42:35] with cree pee the urine of the cree race keep up the magnificent work sweet pea garfunkel name help

[42:43] lovingly so what did that have to do with us i mean we love the crypt for his puns that's pretty

[42:50] much it i know that the crypt keeper glad the crypt keeper married a chinese woman it doesn't

[42:54] mean that they have to open a chinese restaurant she's very sweet okay very happy and understanding

[43:00] yeah she had you have to be when you're married to a great sense of humor yeah cultural

[43:04] misunderstandings one of them's chinese the other one's a ghoul well but the thing is there's so

[43:09] many great opportunities for puns in the chinese language and she really supports his uh his

[43:13] interest in getting dressed up for stuff putting on costumes like tuxedos and things he puts tuxedos

[43:21] and like dracula costumes on how are those two things different

[43:31] now is there something about her being a chinese woman specifically that makes her more supportive

[43:36] no i'm just saying she's very no she's just a very nice lady okay damn not everything is about

[43:41] race well everything weird thing is up until this point seemed like it was big about race so i didn't

[43:46] weird thing is her name's julia he's never called her gulia no out of respect yeah

[43:53] it's a foundation of respect yeah so that was a marriage guys he does actually although

[43:58] occasionally say that he'd like to stake love to her and he holds up like a vampire stake you know

[44:04] yeah she puts up with it and uh there was some misunderstanding when at the wedding uh they said

[44:11] do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife and he goes i die so do you mean i do they're

[44:17] like that's not even a good one no it's not a good pun and you have to say i do it's legally binding

[44:21] sir uh kripty you gotta say the right words you're not gonna be married and his wife julia was like

[44:28] kripty for me can you please be serious for once all right for boo julia because she's his boo

[44:37] anyway uh this one goes like this my boyfriend loves y'all so was the old witch is um his best

[44:45] man or the old witch was the maid of honor the vault keeper the vault keeper was the best man

[44:50] okay oh wow so she she's in with his friends if she's when the old witch was his mate oh yeah yeah

[44:59] oh no no julia was quickly became part of the gang

[45:03] great i'm glad that all worked out was william sadler invited great i'm great that this fictional

[45:09] marriage is working out well they're not going to get you know why you know i did communication

[45:15] the foundation of any marriage respect i think we've already talked about the ability to laugh

[45:19] together yeah thank you so william sadler was invited yeah william sadler was actually the

[45:25] uh performed the ceremony oh wow yeah he got inducted uh uh ordained in the church of life

[45:31] yeah he's like i hope you have a good it's ironic because he played death in the bill

[45:36] and dead movie i hope you have a good demon wedding night he said because he's in the movie

[45:42] demon yeah yeah yeah yeah he was like yes i get the joke billy zane was a minor effort

[45:50] dennis miller was there no matt frewer was there

[45:54] dennis miller was there because of bordello blood sure matt frewer was there because of max head

[45:59] max head he's the head romp um so this letter goes like this my boyfriend loves y'all more than

[46:08] he loves me really wow that's not sad he does he's listening to that last bit no he is shutting

[46:15] it off and declaring himself flop free since 24 he's looking around his room all of his flock

[46:21] flop collectibles to throw them away just torching them yeah just so that lighter than aerosol can

[46:28] he's listened to every episode twice and sometimes mentions your names like your close friends

[46:33] so i've done what every jealous girlfriend does and checked out my competition now i know nothing

[46:38] about movies so pretty much everything you talk about goes right over my head but i have to admit

[46:42] i've been enjoying listening to the flop house you'll have great chemistry elliot's voice makes

[46:46] me giggle and sometimes you talk about a cat so great i wish i could say that i don't enjoy

[46:52] listening to the podcast uh so i'd have a legitimate reason to be bitter but unfortunately i cannot

[46:58] i'm willing to share my boyfriend with you and even make nice um i think you've misunderstood

[47:03] our feelings we just want them on weekends but i reserve the right to terminate the relationship at

[47:08] any point okay boys okay good glad to be able to get that off my chest thanks for reading mackenzie

[47:16] yes castle freak seriously yes some more if you happen to read this during letters richard i love

[47:22] you oh that's very sweet yes i hope that they haven't broken up in between times wow way to go

[47:29] dan we told a beautiful story of love between an old crypt keeper and julia how long it takes me to

[47:37] get to some of these letters well when's that letter from i don't know like lost to the mists

[47:42] of time which is true sometime before the third martian rebellion like gorillas in the mist

[47:50] these are the days of our lives was uh was that between the guys with the forearms and the uh

[47:55] tripods or yeah yeah yeah yeah it was the war between the uh the martians from war of the

[48:00] worlds the martians from uh john carter and the martians from uh from out of the silent planet

[48:07] was uh alan moore doing the script or uh yeah yeah okay so but then he disavowed all knowledge

[48:13] of it it was okay and they got kind of weird with weird sex well that's the thing it turned into all

[48:17] the characters having sex with each other and then orlando showed up because he loves that

[48:21] character even though nobody else does philip swinton does dude that's a well i guess it's

[48:27] the same character basically if only blorelando would show up so this letter is from alec last

[48:35] name withheld who writes guinness in the any which way you can episode you fellows express

[48:40] some discomfort concerning clive's treatment of his orangutan consort and while he's kidnapping

[48:46] and sexual harassment yes and philos complicity in this apparent great ape date grape but some

[48:53] hair somewhere try and mix up day and i like it somewhere in the deep recesses of my consciousness

[48:59] a light went off and i re-examined a passage in a book i'd read once on evolutionary psychology

[49:05] i remembered correctly the majority of orangutan couplings would be considered

[49:09] raped by human standards let me explain no please sexually mature male orangutans

[49:15] fall into two categories langed and unflanged sexually mature orangutans fall into two categories

[49:22] scientifically known as goofuses and gallants you know goofus orangutans play instead of helping

[49:28] their mother set the table whereas gallant orangutans set the table and then say thank

[49:32] you for a delicious meal can i buy a book to find out which one i am from spencer's gifts

[49:37] probably right next to the card of michelangelo's david with a big dick

[49:42] flange males are older for like a birthday it's like a lady's birthday or bachelorette party

[49:48] okay i would think it'd be for like a guy's birthday because they think if they're getting

[49:52] older their dick's getting bigger right no no the for the guy's birthday is the

[49:55] card of the mona lisa where they're top down there's your boobs hanging out spencer's gifts

[50:00] being crass and crude since whenever it started.

[50:03] Also, it has that globe where you put your hands on

[50:06] and there's static electricity.

[50:07] Yeah, yeah, it's called a static globe.

[50:09] That's where all the nerds hung out in Spencer's.

[50:11] I was by the truck nuts and Guns N' Roses t-shirts display.

[50:15] But anyway, flange males are older, 15 to 20 years,

[50:19] and have reached this age in absence

[50:20] of any other flange males.

[50:22] Oh, I'm glad we got that in miles.

[50:24] They have the characteristic cheek and throat flaps

[50:27] and longer hair.

[50:29] Unflanged males are somewhat younger

[50:31] and or have reached maturity in the presence

[50:34] of a dominant flange male.

[50:36] Does anyone explain what a flange is?

[50:39] Though flange males attract females with a long claw.

[50:42] I'm just gonna assume it's some kind of a spring

[50:45] that has like a fake eyeball on it or something.

[50:47] And protect their harems by roving unflanged males.

[50:51] The unflanged, like our hero Clyde,

[50:53] are able to mate only by force.

[50:55] Points to Dan if he made it through the above paragraph

[50:58] without tripping over his booze-numbed tongue.

[51:00] Zero points.

[51:02] Anyway, it seems, therefore,

[51:04] that rather than being morally dubious,

[51:06] Any Which Way's treatment of orangutan sexuality

[51:09] is merely accurate.

[51:10] As Werner Herzog would say,

[51:12] Any Which Way but Loose represents the inherent brutality

[51:16] of romance in the animal kingdom,

[51:20] a world where true love is but a lie,

[51:23] and all sexual relations are but a battle

[51:27] between one set of chromosomes over another.

[51:31] I mean, the next sentence basically says that.

[51:33] It actually forces us to-

[51:33] But not with that bad accent.

[51:35] Acknowledge the species-specific evolutionary basis

[51:38] of our own sense of right and wrong.

[51:40] Please know I would never stand behind-

[51:41] When you stare into the Clyde duology,

[51:44] you stare into the abyss of your very soul.

[51:47] I would never stand behind any act of human

[51:49] on human sexual violence.

[51:51] But when it comes to-

[51:52] I hope so.

[51:52] Even our-

[51:53] I hope-

[51:54] Taking a big stand there, buddy.

[51:56] This bold stance.

[51:58] Same kind of stand that like a Nickelback song makes.

[52:02] How so, Stu?

[52:04] Like, they got songs like,

[52:05] It's Not Cool to Beat Up a Woman and shit like that.

[52:08] Like, no shit.

[52:10] Continue.

[52:12] They've got like a song that's called Candy is Sweet.

[52:17] Just like a very basic stand.

[52:18] Okay, maybe the least creepy thing

[52:20] anyone could have ever said,

[52:21] and out of Dan it sounds creepy.

[52:23] I mean, Dan, you've mastered creepiness.

[52:26] I think you could say anything and make creepy.

[52:27] Just go like,

[52:29] It's raining today.

[52:31] Or like,

[52:33] Grandma says hi.

[52:38] You're a master is what I'm saying.

[52:39] I can only bow at the feet of a master.

[52:42] A regular creep show.

[52:44] Thank you.

[52:45] You've successfully made me feel terrible about myself.

[52:48] But when it comes to even our closest cousins,

[52:52] who are we to judge?

[52:53] Clearly Buddy Van Horn feels the same way.

[52:54] Wait, my cousins Sarah and Jill?

[52:56] Yeah.

[52:57] So anyway, that's-

[52:58] Keep them away from unflanged males.

[53:00] Flanged males, for that matter.

[53:02] All right, well, Alex, last name withheld.

[53:05] Thank you for your orangutan sex tips.

[53:06] Are orangutans really our closest cousins

[53:08] closer than chimpanzees?

[53:11] Ask the letter.

[53:13] Letter.

[53:14] Yes.

[53:15] Are orangutans really our closest cousins?

[53:19] Maybe to you.

[53:20] Zing, burn.

[53:22] That was weird.

[53:23] That was a really sassy letter.

[53:25] It's a sassy letter, but the burn,

[53:28] the quality of the burn was pretty low, I feel like.

[53:30] I mean, yeah, it's a letter.

[53:31] You gotta, you know.

[53:32] Sure, grading it on a curve.

[53:34] Yes, trouble with the grading on the curve.

[53:37] So, all right, this last letter.

[53:40] Just tell me, is the word flange in it?

[53:42] No.

[53:44] It's titled, urgent question, exclamation point.

[53:47] An urchin question.

[53:48] Okay, you're gonna wanna make sure

[53:50] you butcher that urchin pretty carefully

[53:51] to get the right meat out of it.

[53:53] Don't watch out for the spines.

[53:55] Watch out for it's little, yeah, it's little grabbing hands.

[53:58] I know, that's what I'm talking about, yeah.

[53:59] There's little kids that live on the street

[54:00] that are spines. You gotta boil those hands.

[54:02] You wanna have the urchin clean your chimney

[54:04] before you birch it.

[54:06] Before you birch it?

[54:07] That's where you turn it into a birch tree.

[54:10] Ever since I had sex with Zeus,

[54:11] hair, I've birched that urchin.

[54:14] We call it birching.

[54:17] Getting totally birched.

[54:18] Okay, urgent question.

[54:20] Dear Flophouse, dear Flophouse, urgent question.

[54:23] Yes.

[54:24] What Julie Andrews movies are worth watching?

[54:26] Lewis Lasting with Health.

[54:28] What Julie Andrews movies are worth watching?

[54:29] Yep.

[54:30] Well, there's the Americanization of Emily.

[54:31] Yeah.

[54:32] That's a good movie.

[54:33] You got your Mary Poppins.

[54:34] Yeah, yep.

[54:36] If like me, when you were young,

[54:37] you had weird sexual feelings about Mary Poppins,

[54:39] you wanna watch SOB, so you can see Julie Andrews topless.

[54:42] I've never seen the movie all the way through,

[54:44] but my mom's a big fan of Victor Victoria.

[54:46] Victor Victoria's not bad.

[54:47] Yeah.

[54:49] Is that it?

[54:50] I mean, it's, there's, maybe.

[54:53] There's not a lot of...

[54:54] I mean, she's in like Sound of Music,

[54:55] but it's not that good a movie.

[54:57] No, it isn't.

[54:57] She's in like the Princess Diaries is,

[54:59] that's a more recent Julie Andrews.

[55:01] Yeah.

[55:02] You need to check to see if she's in Unforgiven.

[55:03] Yeah.

[55:05] Yeah, she plays the duck of death, right?

[55:09] That would be a totally different movie was Julie Andrews.

[55:12] Why not kill a president?

[55:13] Yeah.

[55:17] Yeah, what other movies is she in, Dan?

[55:18] She didn't, you know, she was,

[55:21] she has some voices in Shrek.

[55:23] So not good.

[55:24] Nothing good there.

[55:25] I don't recommend Shrek.

[55:27] In fact, it's not Shrek-amended.

[55:30] She's in Aunt Golden Pond,

[55:31] the TV version of that, though.

[55:33] Okay, I haven't seen that version of it.

[55:36] Fine Romance, is that it?

[55:38] Julie Andrews.

[55:39] Julie Andrews.

[55:41] You've tuned into the podcast,

[55:43] Dan looks up Julie Andrews movies on his phone

[55:46] while you listen.

[55:47] The Pink Panther Strikes Again.

[55:49] Which one is that?

[55:51] Is that the one with the laser

[55:52] that's gonna destroy the earth?

[55:53] Yes, that's the Doomsday laser.

[55:56] Okay.

[55:57] That's a good one.

[55:58] All right.

[55:58] Of the Pink Panther films.

[56:00] I think that's, you know,

[56:01] like that's second or third after Shot in the Dark.

[56:04] I like, what's the one where,

[56:07] with Christopher Plummer as the Phantom?

[56:09] I think that's my second favorite.

[56:11] I think it's Return of the Pink Panther.

[56:13] That's the one with the stuff about,

[56:15] asking about if there are any rooms at the hotel, right?

[56:18] Right.

[56:19] And he arrests that guy who has,

[56:21] the monkey that's begging on the street.

[56:23] Does he bite?

[56:24] Yeah, I think so.

[56:25] There's a lot in that movie of Frenchmen

[56:28] not understanding Peter Sellers' French accent.

[56:32] So Julie Andrews is not in that,

[56:33] but it's still good.

[56:34] And apparently not in that many good movies,

[56:37] even though being an icon.

[56:38] So here's what you're gonna do.

[56:39] You're gonna take a picture of Julie Andrews.

[56:41] You're gonna cut it out.

[56:42] You're gonna put it on your TV screen.

[56:43] Now, every movie you watch has Julie Andrews in it.

[56:46] I don't care what movie it is.

[56:47] Nightmare Before Christmas, Spaceballs, Jurassic Park,

[56:50] Ghostbusters, Birth of a Nation.

[56:51] Julie Andrews is in it now.

[56:54] Oh, Sherlock Junior with Julie Andrews.

[56:55] Wow, that's a movie marathon you're talking about.

[56:56] Done, there you go.

[56:57] Fantasia with Julie Andrews.

[56:58] Here it is.

[56:59] The Land That Time Forgot.

[57:00] Sure.

[57:01] The Land Before Time.

[57:02] Sure, she's in both those.

[57:03] Baby, the Last Dinosaur.

[57:05] Baby, the Last Dinosaur.

[57:06] Julie Andrews is in it.

[57:07] Look, if you wanna see Julie Andrews meet a dinosaur,

[57:09] you're gonna have to do it this way.

[57:11] So this has been one of the weirder episodes we've done.

[57:14] Ah, one of the more lackluster, I think you said.

[57:17] No, well, I think that the one.

[57:18] Let's say you're watching that old

[57:19] California Raisins TV special.

[57:20] Throw Julie Andrews on that.

[57:22] The lackluster quality.

[57:23] Maybe you're watching an episode of ER.

[57:24] Julie Andrews it.

[57:26] The lacklusterness has led to the weirdness.

[57:28] You're watching A Town Called Panic.

[57:29] Throw Julie Andrews on that.

[57:31] I don't know that movie.

[57:32] It's a French cartoon movie.

[57:33] Is Julie Andrews in it?

[57:35] She is not in it, unless you put a picture

[57:36] of Julie Andrews on your screen.

[57:38] You're gonna have to do the voice, too.

[57:39] The door's open.

[57:40] You wanna see Julie Andrews on the voice?

[57:41] Stick Julie Andrews on your screen.

[57:43] Watch My Fair Lady and imagine that she was cast in that.

[57:47] Watch Sound of Music.

[57:48] Stick a picture of Julie Andrews on there.

[57:50] It's like Multiplicity with Julie Andrews.

[57:52] Now watch Multiplicity.

[57:53] Put Julie Andrews on there.

[57:54] It's like Multiplicity with Julie Andrews.

[57:56] Is that anything like Virtuosity with Julie Andrews?

[57:58] It is if you put Julie Andrews on the top of the TV there.

[58:01] Lawnmower Julie Andrews?

[58:02] Yes, it's Lawnmower Man with a picture of Julie Andrews

[58:04] on it.

[58:05] Julie Andrews of the Corn?

[58:06] Again, you can make it happen.

[58:11] Vampire Hunter Julie Andrews.

[58:13] Just watch Vampire Hunter D.

[58:14] Stick Julie Andrews on the screen.

[58:15] Sure, Hard Bodies with Julie Andrews?

[58:16] You got it.

[58:17] Bikini Car Wash Company with Julie Andrews.

[58:19] You can make it happen.

[58:20] Sure.

[58:21] Those were letters.

[58:22] Any, look.

[58:24] Animal Instincts 1, 2, 3, or 4.

[58:26] Night Eyes.

[58:27] Put Julie Andrews on there.

[58:29] They were very useful.

[58:30] Emmanuel and Rio.

[58:31] Just stick Julie Andrews on the screen.

[58:34] But now we have to put those letters behind us.

[58:36] Halloween 3, Julie Andrews it up.

[58:38] That's Season of the Witch.

[58:40] Season of the Julie Andrews Witch.

[58:43] Moving to...

[58:44] Star Trek 2, Wrath of Khan.

[58:46] No, no, no, my friends.

[58:47] Star Trek 2, Wrath of Julie Andrews.

[58:48] Recommendations.

[58:49] Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

[58:50] Looks like Julie Andrews is taking a day off.

[58:53] The next thing that happens is recommendations.

[58:54] Dr. Strange's Love.

[58:56] Dr. Julie Andrews' Love.

[58:58] We recommend movies that we've seen.

[58:59] Back to Peter Sellers, I guess.

[59:01] That we like.

[59:02] Peter Weller, sure.

[59:03] Robo's Julie Andrews.

[59:04] Buckaroo Andrews across the eighth jury.

[59:06] All right, you just leave the room.

[59:08] This could keep happening.

[59:09] Wait, is Julie Andrews the same as Julie,

[59:11] the Crypt Keeper's new wife?

[59:14] Julia, you mean?

[59:15] No, Julia, that's right, Julia.

[59:17] Julia Andrews.

[59:17] Julie's short for Julia.

[59:19] Julia Andrews is the last Crypt Keeper's last name.

[59:22] Andrews is, so she became Julia Andrews

[59:25] when she married Crypt Keeper Andrews.

[59:27] Wait, are you?

[59:28] The guy that they named Andrews' Air Force Base after, yeah.

[59:31] It was the Crypt Keeper's time in the Air Force.

[59:34] What are you saying, Blake Edwards is the Crypt Keeper?

[59:38] Have you ever seen them in the room together

[59:39] at the same time?

[59:40] Nope.

[59:41] Yeah, well, you make a good,

[59:42] you make a good argument.

[59:43] Every time somebody puts a Crypt Keeper sign

[59:45] up in the sky, Blake Edwards makes a hasty exit.

[59:48] Speaking of which, how did Tommy Wiseau

[59:50] get Julie Andrews for the movie The Room?

[59:52] I'll tell you how.

[59:52] Stuck a picture of Julie Andrews on the screen.

[59:56] Can we please move on to recommendations?

[59:57] A big top peewee starring Julie Andrews.

[1:00:00] of movies that we've seen recently.

[1:00:03] Cross of Iron from Sam Peckinpah starring Julie Andrews.

[1:00:07] So I'm going to recommend first, in the hopes that it will shut this down,

[1:00:12] Critters starring Julie Andrews.

[1:00:14] A couple movies.

[1:00:15] She one of the space bounty hunters or I guess she's just in the whole thing.

[1:00:18] Yeah, yeah, she's just in everything.

[1:00:20] Because there's a picture of her. Julie Andrews in Ghoulies.

[1:00:22] Now it's called Julie's.

[1:00:23] Now, does that lower the tension at all?

[1:00:25] Because you know that there's no chance a Critter's going to eat her

[1:00:28] because she's literally glued to the TV.

[1:00:30] You don't know that. She's so charismatic as a still image.

[1:00:32] You think she's part of it, yeah.

[1:00:33] You know what, I'm not going to recommend it.

[1:00:35] No, no, recommend the movie, Dan.

[1:00:37] Then we can sink Julie Andrews in it.

[1:00:39] I watched a couple of screeners lately.

[1:00:43] I watched Nightcrawler. I watched Foxcatcher.

[1:00:46] Now you're bragging that as a voter for the Writers Guild Awards

[1:00:49] you get DVDs of movies that are still in the theaters.

[1:00:52] Yes. I wouldn't say I was bragging. It's just a fact.

[1:00:55] Well, you just threw out the term screeners.

[1:00:57] You could have just said you saw these movies

[1:00:59] and implied that you saw them in the theaters like normal folk.

[1:01:01] Yeah, you paid full price.

[1:01:03] If you want to see Julie Andrews in it,

[1:01:04] you'd have to print out a 30-foot tall poster board image of Julie Andrews,

[1:01:07] stick it in front of the screen.

[1:01:09] This is what you'd hear.

[1:01:10] Hey, down in front. I'm sorry, Ms. Andrews.

[1:01:12] I loved you in every movie ever

[1:01:14] because I put a picture of you in front of it.

[1:01:16] Continue, please.

[1:01:18] So what did you see that you really liked?

[1:01:20] No, I liked both of those movies, Nightcrawler and Foxcatcher.

[1:01:23] They both had problems.

[1:01:25] You love three-syllable titles.

[1:01:27] Foxcatcher was a little dour all through.

[1:01:31] It kind of was pitched on the same level

[1:01:33] all the way through of sort of oppressive, impending doom.

[1:01:37] There's no X-Man named Foxcatcher, right?

[1:01:40] There is, but there should be.

[1:01:41] Okay, continue.

[1:01:43] But the acting was very good from all of the main leads.

[1:01:48] I think one of the dark riders might be named Foxglove.

[1:01:51] God, I'm just not going to do anything.

[1:01:53] No, no, no, Channing Tatum.

[1:01:55] This question of whether an X-Man was named Foxcatcher,

[1:02:00] it actually adds literally nothing.

[1:02:02] There's no reason to interrupt with that question.

[1:02:05] It just does nothing.

[1:02:07] So let it roll off your back, dude.

[1:02:09] Water off a duck's butt.

[1:02:11] Not after all that we've been through.

[1:02:13] I can't do it.

[1:02:15] It's a good movie.

[1:02:17] Foxcatcher, you liked it.

[1:02:18] I don't got much more to say.

[1:02:19] You got to mix reviews, Dan.

[1:02:21] That's all I'm saying.

[1:02:22] How dare you interrupt me?

[1:02:23] And I'm done.

[1:02:25] Well, I'm done because I know that if I keep talking,

[1:02:27] there's only going to be more of the fucking thing.

[1:02:29] How was Jake Gyllenhaal in Foxcatcher?

[1:02:32] How was Julie Andrews in Nightcrawler?

[1:02:34] Of the two movies, I liked Nightcrawler more,

[1:02:37] but I thought that it was a little simplistic with some of its critique

[1:02:42] of news journalism and tabloid journalism.

[1:02:48] But in terms of a mood piece,

[1:02:50] in terms of a thriller of a kind that's not made a lot anymore,

[1:02:54] where the hero of the thriller is not actually a likable person,

[1:02:58] but you're still kind of invested anyway,

[1:03:02] I liked it a lot on those levels.

[1:03:05] Both definitely worth seeing.

[1:03:08] And that's what I'll say about those.

[1:03:10] Okay.

[1:03:11] Anyone else have recommendations?

[1:03:13] Well, I watched one screener so far of what was sent to me.

[1:03:16] I watched Boyhood, which I liked,

[1:03:18] but enough people have talked about Boyhood.

[1:03:20] We watched a revenge movie today,

[1:03:21] so I thought I'd recommend a revenge movie.

[1:03:24] Here's a movie that –

[1:03:25] Revenge of the Nerds.

[1:03:26] It's called Revenge of the Nerds, Nerds in Paradise.

[1:03:30] The revenge – okay, so the nerds are in heaven,

[1:03:33] literally paradiso, and they need revenge on God.

[1:03:36] It's like the Golden Compass series for making them nerds.

[1:03:40] They say, God, you're omnipotent.

[1:03:42] Why did you not place us in a world where nerds are desired?

[1:03:44] Because they made it into heaven with all their cheating

[1:03:46] and their kind of rapiness.

[1:03:48] And date raping?

[1:03:49] Well, let me tell you.

[1:03:50] It turns out God is the ultimate party animal,

[1:03:52] which means he is a jerk.

[1:03:54] But anyway, a movie –

[1:03:56] so here's a movie that's not thought of as a revenge movie often,

[1:03:59] but it is, and it's for a few dollars more,

[1:04:02] the often overlooked second chapter of the Man with No Name trilogy,

[1:04:06] in which Lee Van Cleef is a heroic character,

[1:04:09] unlike his character of Angel Eyes in the third movie,

[1:04:13] The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly,

[1:04:14] and he wants revenge against the villain in it

[1:04:17] for the killing of his sister, I believe it was,

[1:04:20] and there's a great showdown

[1:04:22] where they're going to fire their guns at each other

[1:04:24] when a song stops playing from a, you know,

[1:04:27] watch that plays this –

[1:04:28] either a watch or a music box.

[1:04:30] Anyway, it's a movie that I think a lot of people don't see.

[1:04:33] They skip straight from A Fistful of Dollars

[1:04:36] straight to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

[1:04:38] Take some time to rewatch it for a few dollars more.

[1:04:40] I think you'll enjoy it.

[1:04:42] Do we wrap?

[1:04:43] So, every once in a while here at the Flophouse,

[1:04:46] we receive things from –

[1:04:50] we receive, like, DVDs from listeners or from –

[1:04:53] We receive things.

[1:04:54] We receive, you know, body parts.

[1:04:55] Dildos and springs and rocks.

[1:04:57] Pictures of Julie Andrews.

[1:04:59] Jellybeans and hammers and snails.

[1:05:03] The fuck is this, a Harry Potter spell?

[1:05:06] You know, lint rollers and jet turbines and blue whales and quarks.

[1:05:11] Tire jacks and jacks that you play jacks with.

[1:05:15] Autographed pictures of Brent Spiner and armadillos and peapods.

[1:05:19] Darmadillos.

[1:05:20] That's an armadillo with a painting of Dharma and Greg on its side.

[1:05:24] Darmadillo and Greg.

[1:05:25] It was taken off the air and retooled

[1:05:27] because nobody wanted to see a show about a man who marries an armadillo.

[1:05:33] So every once in a while –

[1:05:34] The pirate also ended up cooking and eating Darmadillo.

[1:05:37] What?

[1:05:38] He's just so curious about what this animal tasted like.

[1:05:40] Sure.

[1:05:42] After having tasted – oh, okay.

[1:05:44] After having tasted human flesh.

[1:05:47] It was a very different show.

[1:05:49] So every once in a while, we receive stuff from listeners,

[1:05:52] and sometimes we even get stuff from –

[1:05:53] Christmas trees and bags of fleas.

[1:05:57] Sometimes we also get DVDs from, I guess, production companies.

[1:06:00] Sometimes even DVDs.

[1:06:02] And sometimes we get these DVD collections.

[1:06:07] Anytime it's like Busty Babes or something.

[1:06:11] Well, if anyone wants to send us DVDs that you've made –

[1:06:14] If anyone wants to send us anything.

[1:06:15] Well, I mean, not anything.

[1:06:16] Anything.

[1:06:18] Dust bunnies, amplifiers.

[1:06:20] Wait, people can make that?

[1:06:22] That's terrifying.

[1:06:23] Don't send us anything deadly.

[1:06:26] Don't send us Anthrax albums.

[1:06:27] But in this case, I'm going to talk about something deadly.

[1:06:30] Dan – normally if it's something that's like Bimbo Babes or something,

[1:06:35] like a DVD collection, Dan keeps that.

[1:06:37] We don't get that.

[1:06:38] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06:39] But I got – he passed along a DVD collection that was called Explosive Action.

[1:06:44] And a week or two ago, I popped it in and just picked a movie at random to watch.

[1:06:49] It was called Boobsplosion.

[1:06:52] And it was called Nine Deaths of the Ninja.

[1:06:56] It's about a two-man anti-terrorist squad.

[1:07:00] Played by – their characters are Spike Shinobi, who plays a ninja.

[1:07:07] He's got a samurai dog.

[1:07:08] He's like the ninja character who has a bandolier of, I guess, like blowpops.

[1:07:15] Oh.

[1:07:16] That he sucks on after he's done defeating his enemies.

[1:07:18] And then he gives to the children that inevitably show up after one of these ninja battles is done.

[1:07:24] And then he has his like American cohort, Steve Gordon.

[1:07:30] Who is like a total ladies' man in a stallion.

[1:07:33] Now, this movie is totally worth watching the whole way through.

[1:07:37] But specifically, it's worth watching because it has this opening credit sequence

[1:07:42] where it's like they wanted to make a James Bond-style like opening

[1:07:48] with like naked ladies or dancing ladies and a little bit of violence.

[1:07:52] So they have the guy who plays Spike Shinobi practice his like samurai sword kata

[1:07:59] next to a bunch of women who are doing synchronized dancing and there's smoke.

[1:08:04] But it looks like he's very close to cutting them.

[1:08:06] Like they just did it all on the same soundstage.

[1:08:09] So that's totally worth watching.

[1:08:12] Yeah, so check it out.

[1:08:13] Nine Deaths of the Ninja.

[1:08:15] There's like a great like faux Dr. Strangelove-style villain.

[1:08:20] Super great.

[1:08:22] So Ninja has the same number of deaths as a cat.

[1:08:24] Exactly.

[1:08:26] I think it's part of a big series of ninja movies.

[1:08:31] Ninja goes to Harlem.

[1:08:33] Yeah, yeah.

[1:08:34] Ninja Christmas.

[1:08:36] Yeah, ninja summer camp.

[1:08:38] Yeah.

[1:08:39] Ninjas everywhere.

[1:08:40] Ninjas everywhere.

[1:08:41] All over the place.

[1:08:42] Ninja on the moon.

[1:08:45] Three ninjas.

[1:08:46] Yeah, three ninjas and a baby.

[1:08:48] Starring Julie Andrews.

[1:08:50] She can be all three of the ninjas.

[1:08:52] The number of Julie Andrews in the movie is limited only by the number of pictures you print out and stick on your TV screen.

[1:08:59] What if when Yoda said to Luke Skywalker, there is another, he meant, I guess he speaks to Obi-Wan's ghost.

[1:09:04] When he says there's another, what if he meant Julie Andrews?

[1:09:07] What if I told you that every movie could star Julie Andrews?

[1:09:11] What would that be worth to you?

[1:09:13] Four million dollars at least.

[1:09:14] I'd say you're crazy.

[1:09:16] Well, take that down.

[1:09:17] It's $19.95 plus $40 shipping and handling.

[1:09:21] Wow.

[1:09:22] Are you shipping it, like, in an hour or what is it?

[1:09:26] We pack it in diamonds.

[1:09:28] Oh, wow.

[1:09:29] That's incredibly cheap then.

[1:09:31] Your kit includes one.

[1:09:33] What I feed on.

[1:09:35] I guess I did immediately devalue the diamonds.

[1:09:38] Your kit includes one picture of Julie Andrews and a form for ordering more pictures of Julie Andrews.

[1:09:46] So do I recommend another movie?

[1:09:49] Luke, don't run to your local Julie Andrews store.

[1:09:53] I guess.

[1:09:54] This episode of The Flawed Pattern.

[1:09:55] It's called Spencer's Gifts.

[1:09:58] Was sponsored by Julie Andrews.

[1:10:00] Julie, thanks for sponsoring the show.

[1:10:02] She could have danced all night on stage.

[1:10:04] Yeah.

[1:10:05] Not in the movie.

[1:10:06] But, it's another Cage Miss coming up.

[1:10:09] Oh my God, this one's done.

[1:10:11] We're looking forward to 2015.

[1:10:13] I gotta say, now I understand why people say the holidays are the most stressful time of the year.

[1:10:16] Yeah, really were.

[1:10:17] I was really looking forward to Cage Miss, and yet all I got was heartbreak, exhaustion, and some cheese-it crumbs in my pants.

[1:10:23] And we're gathered together, three of us, loved ones gathered together.

[1:10:27] We've been doing this for a while, right?

[1:10:28] At each other's throats.

[1:10:30] Three wise men following a star, and that star?

[1:10:34] Nicolas Cage.

[1:10:36] And what did we find but a baby in a manger?

[1:10:41] A baby goat.

[1:10:42] What?

[1:10:45] They call them kids.

[1:10:49] A Harmony Corrine film.

[1:10:54] So, we've clearly all gone crazy.

[1:10:58] It's late.

[1:11:00] It's late in the year.

[1:11:01] Julie Andrews should kiss each of us goodnight and tuck us in and sing us a song.

[1:11:06] We're deep in the winter months of the solstice.

[1:11:09] We're going crazy from lack of sun.

[1:11:13] I mean, I just got back from sun, so I'm not crazy at all.

[1:11:17] I have a son, I see him all the time.

[1:11:22] Did you forget your own name?

[1:11:24] Is that how far gone we are?

[1:11:26] For the Flop House, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:11:31] I've been Stuart Wellington.

[1:11:33] And I'm Julie Andrews.

[1:11:35] Goodnight.

[1:11:36] Goodnight.

[1:11:37] We're sorry.

[1:11:42] So, when we start this thing off, the first thing we should do is say, on tonight's episode,

[1:11:50] we talk about a movie called...

[1:11:54] 2001.

[1:11:55] Something like that, right?

[1:11:56] Not The Carrie 2.

[1:11:57] Yeah, we should do it totally cool balls like you just did.

[1:12:01] But not like wacky balls.

[1:12:03] Or mad balls.

[1:12:04] The enemies of the Boglins.

[1:12:08] The natural prey of the Boglin.

[1:12:12] That's the thing, kids like balls, Dan.

[1:12:14] And they love Boglins.

[1:12:16] And if you slap a face on that ball, it's like a license to print money.

[1:12:20] Or like a fucking coosh or something.

[1:12:22] What, like a face on a coosh ball?

[1:12:24] Coosh that ball up.

[1:12:26] We cooshed this ball up by 80%.

[1:12:29] That's unprecedented.

[1:12:34] There's no president.

[1:12:35] We're going to have to talk to the CFO on this one.

Episode #168 - Rage

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