Episode #168 - Rage

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we watched Rage.

Elliott Kalan

[0:05] Merry Cagemas, everybody!

[0:07] Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle.

[0:10] Bells, bells, bells, bells.

[0:11] Reindeer sound, reindeer sound.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:46] Not chewing into the microphone like boorish cad Stuart Wellington.

[0:51] Jesus Christ.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] I was trying to do a thing like I was a horse.

[0:56] Like, chew your cud?

[0:57] Yeah, yeah, that'd be a cow.

Dan McCoy

[0:58] One of our shows was named one of the top 25 podcasts ever by Slate Magazine.

[1:04] And you, this is what you do?

[1:05] You ruined it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06] Yeah, I'm ruining it.

[1:06] Well, I'm trying to make that episode seem all the better.

[1:09] Okay.

[1:10] By starting off, not as good.

[1:12] I see.

[1:13] Well, mission accomplished.

[1:15] So, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] This podcast is over.

[1:16] Pack it up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:17] Yeah.

[1:17] Okay.

[1:18] I was going to say, before we went, Merry Cagemas to you guys.

[1:22] Merry Cagemas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23] Hey, guys, I got both of you presents.

[1:25] What is it?

[1:26] Dan, this is yours.

[1:27] Okay.

[1:27] And Stuart, here's yours.

[1:28] Unwrap them.

[1:29] It's Cagemas, everybody.

[1:30] The happiest time of the year.

[1:32] Is this myrrh?

[1:34] Yeah, it is.

[1:35] It's myrrh.

[1:36] Bruce Griffin.

[1:38] It's a special myrrh that's made out of Merv Griffin's bones.

[1:41] Oh, boy.

[1:42] Is he still alive?

[1:44] I mean, you could still make it out of his bones.

[1:46] Don't tell him I took his bone.

[1:48] Dan, do you like your present?

Dan McCoy

[1:49] I already have some frankincense.

[1:52] Can I?

[1:53] It's actually frankincense monster.

[1:55] Can I return it for some Frank and Ernest cartoons?

[2:01] What?

Elliott Kalan

[2:03] Frank and Ernest comics.

[2:06] Well, that was a joke just for the Dan McCoys in the audience.

[2:09] Is this a comic?

[2:10] You made yourself?

[2:11] Does this exist?

Dan McCoy

[2:11] If you remember Frank and Ernest, a terrible comic strip.

Elliott Kalan

[2:16] What if the creator of Frank and Ernest was listening right now, Dan, and they're crying, crying into their unemployment check because of what you said.

[2:24] Now they can't cash that check because it's all wet.

[2:28] What bank are they going to?

[2:30] The bank of dry checks.

Dan McCoy

[2:33] I'm sorry, sir.

[2:34] This check is just too wet.

Elliott Kalan

[2:36] But it still represents money, right?

[2:38] Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

[2:39] Look at the sign.

[2:40] If it's dry, you sign.

[2:42] It says no wet checks.

[2:44] No wet.

[2:45] This checks must be drier than this, and it's a slightly damp paper towel.

Dan McCoy

[2:52] No wet checks.

[2:53] No fat checks.

[2:55] Dan, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:57] I don't know.

[2:58] I don't remember.

[2:59] I think that we've...

[3:00] You've ruined the cage, Miss Ferret.

[3:01] If I recall, this is a podcast where we examine a cold case.

[3:06] Yeah, slowly, over time.

[3:09] No, this is...

[3:10] Well, we eat alpha bits.

[3:12] It's called cereal.

[3:13] Yeah.

[3:14] No, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[3:19] And this is the most magical time of the year.

Elliott Kalan

[3:21] It's the most joyous time of the year.

Dan McCoy

[3:23] The reason for the season.

[3:25] You'd be...

[3:25] Cagemas.

Elliott Kalan

[3:26] Cagemas.

[3:27] Now...

[3:27] When we celebrate one St. Nicholas Cage, or as he's also known, Chris Cajel.

[3:34] Actually, that sounds too much like Chris Angel.

[3:36] Forget it.

[3:37] He's just St. Nicholas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] Now, we had dearly hoped that we would be bringing to you a podcast on Left Behind this evening.

[3:49] Or whenever you're listening.

Elliott Kalan

[3:49] Which is a remake of a Kirk Cameron movie starring Nicolas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[3:53] Well, I wouldn't call it a remake.

[3:55] They're both based on the same apocalyptic Christian literature.

[3:59] Idea.

[4:00] They're both based on the same book series.

Elliott Kalan

[4:04] So it's the Omega Man to the last Left Behind's Last Man on Earth.

Dan McCoy

[4:08] Yes, that's what I would say.

[4:09] But unfortunately, Left Behind is not out yet.

[4:14] I was baffled by the fact that Critical...

[4:18] And I believe not even...

[4:20] I don't think it did that well commercially either.

[4:23] It was the number one film of the year.

[4:24] Okay.

[4:25] It made over $17 billion.

Stuart Wellington

[4:27] Why didn't we just watch the trailer like four times and then do an episode on that?

[4:30] Yeah, that would have been great.

[4:31] It would have been really fast.

Dan McCoy

[4:32] It just seems like it would have been out by now, especially before Christmas.

[4:36] But instead, we were forced to go to our fallback cage position, which was Rage.

[4:43] A movie called Rage.

[4:45] Rage?

Stuart Wellington

[4:46] 2014.

[4:46] 2014 version of Rage.

[4:47] Because there's like a million Rages out there.

Elliott Kalan

[4:49] Yeah, including that member of the Avengers Rage that no one remembers.

Stuart Wellington

[4:52] Rage for a movie is all the rage.

[4:55] Okay, I...

[4:56] Let that one sink in.

Dan McCoy

[4:57] Let that one sink in.

[4:58] See, if I had said that, Elliot, the fury that would come off of you.

Elliott Kalan

[5:04] For some reason, when Stuart says dumb stuff, it passes over me.

[5:07] Like the angel of death over a Jewish house in Egypt.

[5:10] But when you say dumb stuff, it kills me.

[5:12] Like the angel of death over an Egyptian house in Egypt.

[5:16] A little Passover humor.

[5:18] It's not the right season for it.

[5:19] What are you going to do?

Dan McCoy

[5:20] So, this was a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[5:23] And Cage Miss, we watch a Nicolas Cage movie.

[5:25] Why we like him.

[5:26] In this case, the Rage-in Cajun, Nicolas Cage.

[5:30] Yeah.

[5:30] And we watched Rage.

[5:32] And so, Dan, so I had to like this movie.

[5:35] Was it a good, bad movie?

[5:36] No.

[5:37] Bad, bad movie.

[5:37] We're not there yet.

[5:38] Oh, wow.

[5:38] We're not there yet.

[5:39] Oh, okay.

[5:39] Sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[5:40] So, we've talked many times about Nicolas Cage being, generally bring kind of one of two modes.

[5:47] Yes.

[5:47] Either super frenetic.

[5:48] The mirror has two cages.

[5:51] Either like super frenetic Nicolas Cage or sleepy.

[5:56] Dour.

[5:56] Mumbly mouth Nicolas Cage.

[5:58] And unfortunately, Mumbly Nick showed up to Rage.

[6:02] With a couple moments of extreme Rage Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[6:06] Yeah, but very little, considering the movie is called Rage.

[6:10] Exactly.

[6:11] Although the original title of the movie was apparently Tokarev.

[6:15] Yeah, named after the gun.

[6:16] Yeah, which promises a lot less rage than Rage.

[6:21] It's also not based on the Stephen King Richard Bachman novel Rage.

[6:25] So, don't think Nicolas Cage plays a high school student who couldn't get it up when a girl wanted to sleep with him and so shoots his teacher.

Stuart Wellington

[6:34] Yeah.

[6:34] It's also not based on the video game Primal Rage, where you can play a prehistoric gorilla monster that farts on people.

Elliott Kalan

[6:41] Farts on a raptor, thus winning some kind of tournament.

[6:47] Yeah, I don't know.

[6:48] Yeah, it's not based on Killer Instinct.

[6:50] It's not based on any N64 fighting game.

[6:53] Not Strider?

[6:54] It's not based on Clay Fighter.

[6:57] Which I guess is an SNES game.

[6:59] So, should we talk about what, and Rage is also directed by a man named Paco Cabezas.

[7:04] I'm sure is a real person with a real name, but it sounds like Nicolas Cage directed it under something of a cartoon Mexican pseudonym.

[7:12] So, I apologize to the real life Paco Cabezas.

[7:16] You have a funny name.

[7:19] So, anyway, let's talk about this movie, huh?

[7:21] Nicolas Cage plays a man named Maguire.

[7:24] Paul Maguire.

[7:25] With a name like that, you know he's a badass.

[7:28] Because he's got a tough-ass first name.

[7:30] Paul.

[7:30] Or Paulie.

[7:32] Yeah, they call him Paulie a lot.

[7:33] So, Paul Maguire used to be a criminal.

[7:35] But now he is some kind of contractor, legitimate businessman, good guy.

[7:41] He's married to Rachel McNichol.

[7:44] Rachel Nichols.

[7:45] Rachel McNicholas.

[7:46] No, there's no.

[7:47] Rachel McAdams?

[7:48] Rachel Nicholas Cage.

[7:49] Okay, sure.

[7:50] He's married to Rachel Nichols, and they have a daughter, but she's his second wife.

[7:55] The daughter is an adopt-daughter.

[7:57] But anyway, he has turned his back on the life of crime, which is good because the whisperiest,

[8:04] graveliest man in the biz, Danny Glover, is the local cop in town.

[8:08] That town, Mobile, Alabama.

[8:10] Population, 40.

[8:12] And 39 of them are criminals.

[8:15] Because it turns out Nicolas Cage's two best friends are his old criminal buddies, Kane and Danny.

[8:20] But one day...

Stuart Wellington

[8:22] True story.

[8:24] I went to high school with a guy named Danner, Kane.

[8:27] Whoa.

[8:28] I know.

[8:28] Looking back, I'm like, I'm so jealous.

Dan McCoy

[8:30] Now, see, last week you bestowed upon me the most boring story in the world of war.

[8:35] No way.

[8:35] That is way too cool of a name.

Elliott Kalan

[8:36] I said you were in the forefront for the nominations.

Dan McCoy

[8:40] I want to put Stuart up for that same prize.

Elliott Kalan

[8:44] Wait, no.

[8:45] He knew a guy who was the kid of Blythe Danner and Kane Hunter.

[8:49] Come on.

[8:50] You're remembering it much more interesting.

[8:52] Yeah.

[8:54] He's an acting killer.

[8:55] I understand.

Dan McCoy

[8:56] But I do want to...

[8:58] It's true what Elliot says.

[9:00] In this movie, Mobile, Alabama...

[9:01] Your story was boring.

[9:05] In this movie, Mobile, Alabama might as well be one of those movies in the movies.

[9:10] One of those movies in the movies, yeah.

[9:12] Do you even pay attention to what you're saying?

[9:14] No, I don't.

[9:15] I think you should be clear by now that I do not, sir.

[9:19] One of those movies in the movies.

[9:20] It's like a movie in the movies.

[9:21] Angels with Dirty Souls and Home Alone.

[9:23] No, it's one of those towns that exist in the movies where it's just like apparently all

[9:30] of the witness relocation has gone to this one town.

[9:33] Because everyone's a former crook.

[9:34] Everyone's a former crook.

Stuart Wellington

[9:35] And everybody, when they hear gunshots, do not call the police.

[9:39] They just...

[9:39] They just pull out their guns and start firing or they get into a car chase.

[9:42] Yosemite salmon, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Yosemite salmon.

[9:45] That's the special tonight.

[9:47] It's a whole salmon.

[9:48] It's salmon.

[9:49] It's a whole salmon that we put a big mustache and a cowboy hat on.

[9:52] And then we shoot six guns into it.

[9:55] And we vex it with a mischievous rabbit.

[9:57] Yeah, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[9:59] Can I put a confit of rabbit on it?

[10:00] We wave a cooked rabbit in front of it to infuriate it.

[10:04] To make it mad, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] We know it's done when it says consarnedagnab.

[10:12] It's the sound it makes when it's done being cooked.

[10:14] Anyway, Yosemite salmon, that's for $37.

Stuart Wellington

[10:17] Wow.

[10:18] Then, okay, for...

Elliott Kalan

[10:20] Is it farm to table?

[10:21] It's very rare.

[10:22] Yeah.

[10:23] Then for...

Dan McCoy

[10:23] For dessert, we've got a Yogi Berries.

Elliott Kalan

[10:26] No, that was yesterday's dessert special.

[10:28] Today, we have the Elmer Fudge.

[10:29] Okay.

[10:30] This is a Bugs Bunny villain-themed restaurant.

[10:33] I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[10:34] I forgot.

[10:35] Yeah.

[10:36] Oh, man.

[10:38] Not Marvin the Mars Bar?

[10:40] Yogi.

Elliott Kalan

[10:41] Good work.

[10:43] It's Marvin the Marzipan.

Dan McCoy

[10:47] Wiley Coyote Meal?

[10:48] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] Super granula.

[10:51] Yeah, what's that?

[10:51] Super granola.

[10:52] Like an appetizer?

[10:53] Yeah.

[10:54] That's right.

[10:55] It's an appetizer of oatmeal.

[10:57] What kind of meal is this?

Stuart Wellington

[10:58] Oatmeal, fish, and then fudge or marzipan?

Dan McCoy

[11:01] Before you have your dinner, sir, the chef wanted to send out this amuse-bouche of oatmeal.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] Well, that sounds noticeably unpleasant.

Dan McCoy

[11:14] You can see it as a rather large bowl of oatmeal.

[11:18] Part of the market menu.

Elliott Kalan

[11:19] I mean, it's free, basically.

[11:20] Not an amuse-bouche at all.

[11:22] It is a bowl of oatmeal.

Dan McCoy

[11:23] You will not be allowed to have your entree until you finish your oatmeal.

[11:27] That seems like torture.

Elliott Kalan

[11:29] Is this a kind of prison dinner?

[11:31] All right.

[11:32] Eat up, sir.

[11:33] No, no, no, no.

[11:35] The plane is coming into the bunker.

[11:38] Wait, into the what?

[11:40] What is the plane going into?

[11:41] The bunker?

[11:42] The bunker.

[11:43] The bunker.

[11:44] The plane bunker.

[11:45] No.

[11:46] Okay.

[11:46] Stop right there.

[11:48] We're not far into this movie.

[11:50] So the plane is, this is what, plane Hitler?

[11:52] Yeah.

[11:53] Hiding in his plane bunker?

[11:55] Yep.

[11:55] It's very angry.

[11:56] At the end of World War Plane?

[11:58] Yeah.

[11:58] No.

Stuart Wellington

[11:59] So let's talk to the movie.

[12:00] Man, those planes movies got dark, dude.

[12:02] Yeah.

[12:03] They did.

[12:04] Well, they did that.

[12:05] That whole, like, how do these planes have sex thing out the window.

[12:08] There was that meme where they redubbed planes, you know?

[12:12] All different.

[12:12] Yeah, yeah.

[12:13] The plane was getting mad about different things.

[12:16] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[12:17] What was this movie about?

[12:19] Oh, well, okay.

[12:20] Nicholas Cage.

Elliott Kalan

[12:20] Nicholas Cage is a former criminal.

[12:21] He has his beloved young daughter.

[12:24] But one night, while his daughter is horsing around at home with two high school friends

[12:28] of hers, he comes.

Stuart Wellington

[12:31] Who look very similar.

[12:32] Yeah.

[12:32] I feel like they could have mixed it up like those Power Rangers kids.

Elliott Kalan

[12:36] They're both white-skinned, skinny dudes with forelocks draped over their head.

Dan McCoy

[12:41] One of them has, like, a huge forelock over his face.

[12:43] The other one is the gay law student from How to Get Away with Murder.

[12:50] How do you get away with murder?

[12:52] Well, according to that film, you wrap a guy up in a rug, take him to the woods and burn him.

[12:59] And it's not a film.

[13:00] It's a television show.

[13:03] And, again, I'm not listening to the words.

[13:05] Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[13:06] Dan, I've been told that the real good film writing is being done for television right

[13:09] now.

[13:10] That's what I hear.

[13:11] All the good movies are on television.

[13:12] And all the good TV shows are on the radio.

[13:15] Good novels are in the movies.

[13:16] Yep, like Pippa McGee and Molly.

Dan McCoy

[13:18] Yep.

[13:18] And The Great Gildersleeve.

[13:20] And all the good video games are on Bazooka Joe comic strips.

Elliott Kalan

[13:24] Now, okay.

[13:25] Nicholas Cage comes home from a dinner to find that Danny Glover is there.

[13:28] And he's like, oh, man.

[13:29] What?

[13:30] This pig is going to hassle me again.

[13:32] No, no, no.

[13:33] Au contraire.

[13:33] His daughter has been kidnapped.

[13:35] And the two boys tell a tale of kidnappers breaking in and stealing her.

Stuart Wellington

[13:39] Now.

[13:39] This is after an opening which seemed to be paid exclusively by wine bottle product placement.

[13:45] There's a lot of shots of the labels of wine bottles.

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] Which shows off how classy it is.

[13:51] Oh, yeah.

[13:51] Yeah.

[13:51] Because they don't drink liquor in this movie.

[13:53] They drink wine.

[13:54] It's all wine bottles label out.

[13:57] So they say that people broke in and the police are getting nowhere with their investigation.

[14:02] So Paul and his friends, they beat up a guy to try to find information.

[14:08] And the guy tells them no information, basically.

[14:11] But involves them almost killing a woman.

[14:14] Yeah, so Paul gets his old crew back together, right?

[14:16] Yeah.

[14:16] Well, Danny and Kane.

[14:18] His only two friends in the world.

[14:19] Yeah.

[14:19] Because they were all criminals together.

[14:21] And it turns out there's something in their past.

[14:23] Went to a criminal school together.

[14:24] Something in their past that may have led to this.

[14:27] Nicolas Cage seems to think that his kidnapping was a reprisal for something they did.

[14:32] Now.

[14:33] His daughter turns up dead.

[14:35] So he.

[14:36] Let's just cut to the chase.

[14:38] And after his funeral.

[14:39] After a funeral.

[14:40] My favorite character in the movie.

[14:42] Peter Stormare.

[14:42] As a wheelchair bound.

[14:45] Irish?

[14:46] Not quite sure about his accent.

[14:48] Crime boss tells him.

[14:49] Hey.

[14:49] His name is O'Connell or something.

[14:51] He says.

Stuart Wellington

[14:51] I feel like not so sure about his accent.

[14:53] Is how they describe him on IMDB.

Elliott Kalan

[14:56] His character is named.

[14:58] Not so sure about his accent guy.

[15:01] That was not a very good joke.

[15:02] But anyway.

[15:03] Peter Stormare tells him.

[15:04] Bury the hurt inside you.

[15:05] I didn't get revenge.

[15:06] When I was put in this wheelchair after a big shootout with the Russian mob.

[15:10] You.

[15:11] Don't worry about it.

[15:11] But Nicolas Cage is convinced.

[15:13] Convinced.

[15:14] That.

[15:14] This is all.

[15:15] In reprisal for.

[15:17] A thing they did when they were kids.

[15:18] When they killed the bag man for the Russian mob.

[15:21] Stole the money.

[15:22] And his guns.

[15:24] And.

[15:25] Tokarev gun.

[15:25] A Tokarev gun.

[15:26] Because Tokarev gun.

[15:27] Because his daughter was also killed by a Tokarev gun.

[15:30] And.

[15:31] He's like.

[15:31] Uh oh.

[15:32] They figured out it was us.

[15:33] Even though that was years and years ago.

[15:35] And now they're coming after us.

[15:36] So we.

[15:36] Or now they.

[15:37] They got my daughter.

[15:38] So now I want revenge.

[15:39] And he and his two friends go on a three man rampage.

[15:42] Through the Russian mob.

[15:43] Which means.

[15:43] Multiple times they.

[15:45] Smash through doors.

[15:46] Shoot everybody in a room.

[15:47] And then leave.

Dan McCoy

[15:48] Yeah.

[15:48] It's like the.

[15:49] Video game rampage.

[15:51] With three different monsters.

[15:52] You can choose from.

[15:52] Not at all.

[15:53] It's true.

Stuart Wellington

[15:53] It was nothing like that.

[15:54] And they're each bashing the buildings as fast as they can.

[15:56] Yeah.

[15:57] Eating the people.

[15:58] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:58] You can yank a person out and chew them up.

[16:00] Yep.

[16:00] Film it 11.

[16:01] You don't really.

[16:02] You don't want to eat one of those toilets though.

Elliott Kalan

[16:04] They don't like eating the toilet.

[16:05] Well.

[16:05] And if you.

[16:06] Because then you.

[16:07] You shrink back into a normal person right.

[16:09] And you're nude.

[16:10] You're embarrassed.

[16:11] And you kind of walk off the screen.

[16:11] You're not totally nude.

Stuart Wellington

[16:12] Aren't you wearing like underpants or something?

[16:14] Well yeah.

[16:14] Because it's a video game for kids.

[16:15] Come on.

Elliott Kalan

[16:16] It's not like you're going to see some dude's dick.

[16:18] It's crazy.

[16:20] Now here's what I didn't like about that game.

[16:22] You had a big Godzilla type monster.

[16:24] You had a big King Kong monster.

[16:25] And then you had a giant werewolf.

[16:27] What the hell was that?

Dan McCoy

[16:29] Wait.

[16:30] You don't think.

[16:30] Wait what?

[16:30] Big werewolf would be cool?

Elliott Kalan

[16:32] I guess it would be cool.

[16:33] But there's no precedent for it.

Dan McCoy

[16:35] Oh well I'm sorry that they got points off for being original Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[16:40] That's how it is.

[16:41] Yeah sometimes you got to be the first one in the field.

[16:44] You know who didn't get points off for being original?

[16:46] Because it wasn't original.

[16:47] Rage starring Nicolas Cage.

[16:48] Let's continue shall we?

Dan McCoy

[16:49] What?

[16:50] But.

Elliott Kalan

[16:51] Yeah.

[16:51] What?

[16:53] Here's what happens.

[16:54] Let me just tell the story real fast.

[16:57] So they're trying to get revenge on the Russian group.

[17:00] The Russian group kidnaps Kane.

[17:02] And they're like why are you doing this?

[17:04] They say well we're getting revenge on you for killing Paul's daughter.

[17:08] Why would I want to kill Paul's daughter?

[17:10] Because we killed your brother years ago.

[17:12] And he's like what?

[17:13] You killed my brother?

[17:15] He tells Peter Storm.

[17:15] The Russian guy tells Peter Stormare to kill Nicolas Cage.

[17:18] Peter Stormare won't.

[17:19] So there's a little gunfight there.

[17:21] And the Russian kills him.

[17:22] What a gunfight it was.

[17:24] It's a gunfight between three men and a guy in a wheelchair.

[17:27] And the guy in the wheelchair almost wins.

[17:29] He only would have won if he had more bullets.

[17:30] Yeah.

[17:31] And a couple more shootouts later.

[17:34] Nicolas Cage eventually learns.

[17:38] Well he decides that Danny has been.

[17:41] Has ratted out Kane.

[17:43] And they get in a fight.

[17:44] And he stabs his last living best friend.

[17:47] He eventually realizes.

[17:49] Danny Glover.

[17:50] Throughout there's a car chase where a cop car blows up.

[17:53] And every time.

[17:54] Every time.

[17:54] He's the most ineffectual cop.

[17:56] Every time Nicolas Cage has a car chase through the streets of Mobile.

[17:59] In which cops are in a blown up car.

[18:01] They must have died.

[18:03] Or he shoots a bunch of people.

[18:04] And Danny Glover shows up and goes.

[18:05] Hey.

[18:06] Just walk away.

Dan McCoy

[18:07] Walk away and I won't have to arrest you.

[18:09] I'd really appreciate it if you'd not go on a rampage.

[18:11] I'll give you.

Elliott Kalan

[18:12] I'll give you one more try to not be so rageful.

[18:15] And then.

[18:15] Okay.

[18:15] I'm working on a 74 strike system.

Dan McCoy

[18:18] I may have to take you in next time.

Stuart Wellington

[18:20] I might have to book you.

[18:21] If you kill any more people.

[18:23] It's so clearly that like the screenwriter had this like arc for Nicolas Cage's character.

[18:29] And they're like.

[18:29] Well.

[18:30] Shouldn't the cops show up at some point?

[18:32] And they're like.

[18:33] And.

Dan McCoy

[18:33] I guess.

[18:34] I mean.

[18:34] They don't even like really give like an explanation for it.

[18:37] It's not like they're old like pals.

[18:38] It's just like.

[18:39] It's like.

[18:39] Well Danny Glover's been kind of looking out for him.

[18:41] Well.

[18:41] But he's like.

[18:42] He's like.

[18:42] He went straight.

[18:44] So I don't want you to not be straight anymore.

[18:46] So.

[18:47] Could you just walk away?

[18:48] And like.

[18:48] By that time he's murdered several people.

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] He's murdered a lot.

[18:51] And.

[18:51] And Danny Glover's this.

[18:52] I guess assistant.

[18:53] As a deputy.

[18:54] Is like.

[18:55] Hey.

[18:56] This guy might still be a criminal.

[18:57] Let's look after him.

[18:58] And he's wrong.

[18:59] Nicolas Cage wasn't a criminal until now.

[19:01] When he's killed like a dozen people.

Stuart Wellington

[19:02] He's killed a bunch of people.

[19:03] And Danny Glover's like.

[19:04] Someday I'll find a way to put you guys.

[19:06] You and your crew away.

[19:07] It's like.

[19:07] Yeah.

[19:07] Just go find that body.

[19:09] And match the.

Elliott Kalan

[19:10] Dude.

[19:10] There's murdered bodies all over your city.

[19:12] He was in a car chase with crashes and stuff.

[19:14] Put him away.

Dan McCoy

[19:15] Yeah.

[19:15] It turns out without Mel Gibson.

[19:16] He's not a very good cop.

[19:18] No.

Elliott Kalan

[19:18] And he's the least lethal of weapons.

[19:21] Like trying to strangle somebody.

[19:23] With a piece of spaghetti.

[19:24] A dry piece of spaghetti.

[19:26] What?

[19:26] It's just going to snap.

Dan McCoy

[19:28] Yeah.

[19:29] Maybe you could poke him.

[19:30] You could poke him in the neck and kind of hurt him a little bit.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] I mean.

[19:32] It would be unpleasant.

[19:33] Not a pleasant feeling.

[19:34] I would.

Dan McCoy

[19:34] Like if someone poked me with a piece of spaghetti.

[19:36] Like.

[19:37] Like.

[19:37] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[19:37] Yeah.

[19:38] You'd be like.

[19:38] Oh.

[19:38] That hurts.

[19:39] Stop it.

[19:39] I guess I'll die now.

[19:40] So anyway.

[19:41] But.

[19:42] Uh oh.

[19:43] Did O'Henry write this story?

[19:44] Because it turns out.

[19:46] The Russian mob wasn't behind Nicolas Cage's daughter's death.

[19:49] Actually.

[19:50] She was horsing around with her friends.

[19:52] With some guns they found.

[19:53] In Nicolas Cage's closet.

[19:56] And accidentally one of her friends shot her in the head.

[20:00] And they hid the body in the woods.

[20:01] Until the police found it.

[20:03] So it seems Nicolas Cage's rampage has been for naught.

[20:07] And it was but the remnants of his past violence.

[20:10] Which he thought he had put behind him.

[20:12] But which reared their ugly head.

[20:14] Yeah.

[20:15] At the most inopportune time.

[20:16] Robbing him of the one innocence.

[20:18] That he had been able to lay hold to.

Dan McCoy

[20:20] It's a real examination of the human condition.

[20:23] And Nicolas Cage calls his wife.

[20:25] Is he a violent man naturally?

[20:27] Can he get past that?

[20:28] Or is it an aid in him?

[20:30] Stuart.

[20:32] Answer the question.

[20:34] You're on trial here.

Stuart Wellington

[20:37] Cage trial.

[20:38] So.

[20:39] Where did he get that really dark fake looking black hair from?

[20:44] Did he steal it from John Travolta when they got their faces swapped?

[20:47] I feel like that's extra textural.

Elliott Kalan

[20:49] Here's the thing.

[20:50] Nicolas Cage does not look his best in this movie.

[20:52] I would call him I guess hair transplant Gary Shandling.

[20:57] He's like kind of a puffy older guy with jet black shoe polish hair.

[21:02] But here's okay.

[21:03] So the end Nicolas Cage calls his wife tells her don't come home as an execution squad approaches

[21:09] the house cut to black directed by Paco Cabezas.

[21:13] And then over the credits we see some police creep in I guess to find Nicolas Cage's dead

[21:17] body.

[21:18] And Danny Glover's just standing at the bottom of the stairs shaking his head.

[21:22] When will they learn?

[21:24] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[21:25] Another job done well.

Elliott Kalan

[21:27] He's like well another case solved.

[21:30] I'll lock this one away in my crime files.

Dan McCoy

[21:33] Erase that one off the big board.

[21:37] Stuart I'm surprised you didn't jump in earlier when we were talking about Peter Stormare's.

Stuart Wellington

[21:42] So you forgot the best scene in the movie.

[21:45] Now this is a scene that makes the movie worth watching.

[21:47] At least this part.

[21:48] This part.

[21:49] Is the scene where Nicolas Cage is pushing Peter Stormare down the.

[21:51] It's right after Nicolas Cage's daughter's funeral.

Elliott Kalan

[21:53] Peter Stormare says let's take a walk.

[21:55] And so Nicolas Cage is pushing his wheelchair through the cemetery.

Stuart Wellington

[21:58] And there's just something about the angle of the shot that makes Peter Stormare in his

[22:03] wheelchair.

[22:04] And Nicolas Cage walking behind him look like he's walking.

[22:06] He's two tiny legs.

Elliott Kalan

[22:08] It looks like Peter Stormare has two tiny dwarf legs.

[22:11] He's using to walk down the.

[22:12] And they keep the shot for so long.

[22:15] And once Stuart pointed it out to me I could not see it any other way.

Dan McCoy

[22:19] So it was a real optical illusion.

[22:20] You thought you were looking at a pretty lady and then all of a sudden you're looking at

[22:23] an old lady.

[22:24] I mean that is just a natural passage of time.

[22:27] You thought you were looking at a duck and then you were looking at a rabbit.

Elliott Kalan

[22:30] Again the natural passage of time.

[22:31] You marry a duck and suddenly in the blink of an eye it's 40 years later and that duck's

[22:36] a rabbit.

[22:36] A rascally rabbit.

[22:38] A wascally wabbit.

Stuart Wellington

[22:40] I'm sensing a like a Bugs Bunny theme or.

[22:45] Yeah the restaurant.

[22:46] The Bugs Bunny theme restaurant that I opened.

[22:48] Yeah.

[22:51] It's mostly carrots.

[22:51] Is it like a plan in Hollywood?

[22:53] Does it have like a mannequin wearing backwards Bugs Bunny and Taz clothes?

[22:57] That's exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[22:59] Yeah.

[23:00] And one of Bugs Bunny's original teeth is in a case.

Dan McCoy

[23:05] And for a while in the 90s it was like a hip hop restaurant for some reason.

[23:09] Yeah.

[23:09] That I don't quite understand.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] And then in the early 2000s it was like this weird action science fiction restaurant.

[23:14] Yeah.

[23:15] Do you guys remember that show Lunatics Unleashed?

Dan McCoy

[23:17] Oh it was the sci-fi version.

Elliott Kalan

[23:21] The Adventures of Buzz Bunny.

[23:23] Yeah.

[23:23] I'll tell you when that show made sense to me.

[23:25] Okay.

[23:26] I was in the Dominican Republic waiting in a very small airport.

[23:29] I had malaria.

[23:30] And it was on a TV in the food court of this very small airport.

[23:35] It was playing Lunatics Unleashed dubbed into Spanish.

[23:38] And there's something about watching in Spanish where it was like alright this makes sense as

[23:41] the like bizarre bootleg Looney Tunes cartoon produced in the Dominican Republic where they

[23:46] don't really understand that the characters are not badass action heroes.

[23:50] This makes sense to me now.

[23:52] So I advise you to watch it in Spanish in the DRA.

Dan McCoy

[23:55] I advise you to fly to the Dominican Republic.

[23:59] It's worth a trip.

[24:00] Get that shit out.

Elliott Kalan

[24:01] That's what you're saying right?

[24:02] It's worth a trip.

[24:03] Oh yeah.

[24:03] And then just turn around and come right back.

[24:06] Yeah.

[24:06] So Bugs Bunny let's set him aside.

[24:08] We're talking about Rage Cage and the Cage of Rage.

Dan McCoy

[24:11] I don't know how much there is.

[24:13] He is trapped by his rage.

[24:15] That's the thing.

[24:15] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] His rage has damned him.

[24:17] And I'll tell you this.

[24:18] Okay.

[24:18] I'll give you this.

[24:19] The story is thin as all get out.

[24:21] There's not a lot of plot here.

[24:22] There's not a lot of character.

[24:23] But for a movie that's not very good and is very boring I thought at times visually

[24:28] it had some nice style.

[24:30] There were shots every now and then where I was like oh that's an interesting shot.

[24:33] Now there were also a lot of action scenes where you couldn't really tell what was going

[24:37] on and then it would turn to ultra slow-mo and there'd just be people pumping gun bullets

[24:41] into walls.

[24:42] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:43] But other than that.

[24:43] I mean I felt like it was a weird mixture of.

[24:44] And gun bullets are the worst kind of bullets.

[24:46] Oh yeah.

[24:47] It was a weird mixture of like very boring shots and with the occasional like a decent shot

[24:54] mixed in there.

Elliott Kalan

[24:56] Yeah.

[24:57] I feel like you could make a tumbler called the Cage Rage Tumbler.

[25:00] You'd have like six still images and you'd be like this looks like a pretty neat movie.

[25:05] Then you'd watch it and be terrible.

[25:06] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:08] I hate to do this.

[25:09] Three of those shots would be from that one scene of him pushing Peter Strowman.

Elliott Kalan

[25:12] Yeah.

[25:13] But then there'd be one from the scene where he's chasing a Russian guy and this Russian

[25:18] guy is easily 10, 15 years older than Nicolas Cage.

[25:21] Yeah.

[25:22] And one of Nicolas Cage's friends.

[25:23] He's probably been drinking because he was at a strip club.

[25:26] Oh yeah.

[25:26] He was just at a strip club and Nicolas Cage starts chasing him and one of his friends

[25:29] shoots the guy in the belly from far away and his other friend is like what are you doing?

Stuart Wellington

[25:34] In the middle of the street in broad daylight.

Elliott Kalan

[25:35] Just in broad daylight.

[25:36] And Nicolas Cage chases after him and it takes Nicolas Cage a surprisingly long time to catch

[25:41] up to and catch this older gentleman who's been shot in the gut already.

Dan McCoy

[25:45] Oh and it was one of those no strip strip clubs that we've seen so many times in the movies.

Stuart Wellington

[25:52] And this is like.

[25:52] There's no cover charge.

[25:53] That's why people go to those.

[25:54] Because everything else is covered up already.

[25:56] Yep.

[25:57] It's a negative two drink minimum.

[25:59] They buy you two drinks to show up.

Dan McCoy

[26:01] This is the sort of movie where it confuses me the most though where it's like there's

[26:06] clearly enough like violence and swearing.

[26:08] Yeah people are raging.

Elliott Kalan

[26:09] There's not that much swearing.

[26:11] I think this might have been a PG-13 movie.

[26:12] You think so?

[26:13] It's pretty violent but it's not bloody violent.

[26:15] Did we just get tricked into watching a PG-13 movie?

Stuart Wellington

[26:17] I think we did.

Elliott Kalan

[26:18] This is the.

[26:18] That happens to me all the time.

[26:19] The Unborn.

[26:19] Was that a PG-13 one?

[26:21] Wait what?

[26:22] What was the one where the poster was the girl looking in the mirror?

[26:25] Oh I think it was the Unborn.

[26:27] You're talking about the butt.

[26:28] The butt.

[26:29] Yeah.

[26:29] That butt horror movie.

[26:30] It was like entrapment where you're sold on a butt.

[26:35] Exactly.

[26:35] It's amazing to me that in this day and age you can still sell a movie on the image of

[26:39] a girl.

[26:39] The promise of a girl's butt.

[26:42] That's still enough to sell a film.

Dan McCoy

[26:44] Yeah.

[26:44] So Dan you were saying.

[26:45] I mean that's like a real flashback to the Roger Corman days.

[26:50] The cheapest special effects.

[26:52] Just slap a butt on the poster.

Elliott Kalan

[26:54] Are you double checking?

[26:55] I mean I guess that's Tinto Brass his whole career.

[26:57] I was trying to look at what the rating was.

[26:59] He pays off the promise of butts.

[27:00] That's for sure.

[27:02] I'm not fighting it.

[27:03] So.

[27:03] Maybe it was unrated.

[27:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:05] Was this released in theaters?

[27:06] I don't even know that.

[27:07] I do not know.

[27:08] Was this a movie that was made?

[27:10] We may have had a.

[27:12] Were we incepted?

[27:13] Like a group hallucination.

[27:14] A gruselation.

[27:15] It's called.

Stuart Wellington

[27:16] So this.

[27:17] In some ways this doesn't fall into the category of movies we would normally watch.

[27:21] Other than that.

[27:22] Stars Nicolas Cage.

[27:23] I mean I think it was released in a theater somewhere.

[27:25] No way.

Elliott Kalan

[27:27] What theater where?

[27:29] I mean I don't know.

[27:30] Let's call it.

[27:32] The Cage.

[27:33] The Cage.

Stuart Wellington

[27:33] At like BAM cinemas.

[27:36] At the Landmark Sunshine.

[27:38] Fancy.

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] I bet you there's like a ground round family restaurant.

[27:41] Where this was accidentally projected on a screen.

[27:43] Children ate free popcorn.

[27:45] While they were waiting for their chicken fingers.

Dan McCoy

[27:46] According to Wikipedia.

[27:47] Like this is.

[27:48] All right.

[27:49] This is the entirety of the production section.

[27:52] Of Wikipedia's entry on Rage.

[27:55] Filming began in June 2013.

[27:58] In Mobile, Alabama.

[28:01] The end.

[28:01] That's all.

[28:02] I mean do you really want to know more about the production of Rage?

[28:04] That's all you need to know.

[28:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:06] Now here's.

[28:07] I'm going to.

[28:08] You know what?

[28:08] I'm just going to go out on a limb.

[28:09] You know what this movie needs to be?

[28:09] Mobile looks great.

[28:11] Oh yeah.

[28:12] Oh yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[28:13] I think the.

[28:13] A great place to live.

[28:14] Except for all the crack houses and places that don't have wallpaper.

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] There's almost no rooms with wallpaper in this movie.

[28:21] It's like they all live in that one apartment in 12 monkeys that they hide out in very briefly.

Stuart Wellington

[28:26] And there was the scene where Nicolas Cage was chasing that guy.

[28:29] And it was basically a direct lift of.

[28:31] Raising Arizona.

Elliott Kalan

[28:32] There was like.

[28:33] I hope that that was like a real nod to Raising Arizona where he's chasing the guy.

[28:37] And they run into a house.

[28:38] They're running through backyards.

[28:39] And the dog is barking at them.

[28:41] Like.

[28:41] I hope.

[28:42] I wish they were like.

[28:42] You know what?

[28:44] We're going to put as many Nicolas Cage references into this movie as we can.

[28:47] And they put that one in.

[28:48] And they were like.

[28:49] Uh.

[28:50] How are we going to fit Honeymoon in Vegas into this movie?

[28:52] That's easy.

Dan McCoy

[28:53] I mean there was a Sorcerer's Apprentice one that we totally missed.

[28:57] We just missed it guys.

[28:58] What do you mean?

[28:59] What was it?

[28:59] We're not Sorcerer Heads.

[29:01] We're not Sorcerer Heads.

[29:02] I don't know what it is man.

[29:03] I'm just saying.

[29:03] We just don't know the movie well enough.

[29:04] We're not.

[29:05] We're not Apprentices.

[29:06] Is that what Sorcerer's Apprentice fans are called?

[29:09] Sorcerer's Apprentice.

Elliott Kalan

[29:10] Is that a drug you're taking?

Stuart Wellington

[29:13] I think you should be taking it the way he's just mumbling you.

Elliott Kalan

[29:15] Side effects of Sorcerer's Apprentice might include saying random shit.

[29:20] Misreading things.

[29:20] Lady tongue.

Dan McCoy

[29:24] I've got restless tongue syndrome.

Stuart Wellington

[29:26] How many Nicolas Cage movies have we watched?

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] That is the worst come on you could ever give to a girl.

Dan McCoy

[29:32] Hey baby.

[29:34] I've got restless tongue syndrome.

[29:36] You're terrible at that.

Stuart Wellington

[29:39] So what were you saying?

[29:40] I was trying to leave some fucking subtext there dude.

[29:45] Yeah.

[29:45] Come on.

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:47] How many Nicolas Cage movies have we watched?

[29:49] We've watched a bunch.

[29:50] And this is probably the second worst.

[29:51] That's one of those things that we could have double checked before.

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] I mean I didn't ask the question.

[29:57] I think we've.

[29:58] That's why I asked it to you.

[29:59] I thought you'd fucking remember it.

Dan McCoy

[30:00] More than three.

[30:01] Less than a hundred.

[30:03] Other than like the three that have been critically acclaimed in that time.

[30:06] We have watched every Nicolas Cage movie that's come out.

[30:08] Every single one.

[30:09] Since the flop house started.

Elliott Kalan

[30:11] Did we watch.

[30:11] We didn't watch the one with John Cusack right?

[30:14] Frozen.

[30:15] On frozen deadly ground.

[30:17] We didn't watch that.

[30:17] So I guess I just disproved your fucking thesis.

[30:20] Okay.

[30:20] Professor wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[30:20] He said critically acclaimed movies.

[30:23] He was pretty critically acclaimed with that right?

Elliott Kalan

[30:25] I don't think so.

[30:27] Let's.

[30:28] You know what Dan.

[30:29] I was too harsh with you just now.

[30:30] And I apologize.

[30:31] I was feeling a little bit of.

[30:32] I guess you'd call it rage.

[30:35] And I apologize.

Stuart Wellington

[30:37] We've been in each other's throats all night guys.

[30:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[30:40] Because of this damn Nicolas Cage movie.

[30:42] Nicolas Cage.

[30:43] Why are you doing this to us?

[30:45] This is supposed to be the most joyful time of year.

Dan McCoy

[30:47] Yeah we got a.

Elliott Kalan

[30:48] It's lovely weather for a cage ride together with you.

Dan McCoy

[30:51] We just got to wrap this shit up.

Elliott Kalan

[30:53] The weather outside is caging.

[30:55] The movie is kind of enraging.

[30:58] But since we have no place to go.

[31:00] Let it cage.

[31:02] Terrible.

Dan McCoy

[31:04] So was this a good bad movie?

[31:05] A bad bad movie?

[31:06] Or a movie you kind of like Stuart?

[31:08] What do you say?

[31:10] Aside from that one scene.

Stuart Wellington

[31:12] Yeah.

[31:12] It was a bad bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[31:14] Okay.

[31:15] The one scene in which a poorly chosen camera angle.

[31:18] It looked like Peter Stormare had tiny legs.

[31:21] I mean door flags.

[31:22] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:23] Yeah.

[31:24] I agree.

[31:25] There's really.

[31:27] As you can hear in your ear holes right now.

[31:29] We are struggling to think of things to say about this movie.

[31:32] Because this is about as nothing as a movie could be.

[31:34] Like the first ten minutes of it.

[31:36] I thought.

[31:37] Oh this could be like a.

[31:39] Very like stripped down basic revenge movie that I could enjoy.

[31:42] And then like the last five minutes.

[31:44] I'm like.

[31:45] Oh okay.

[31:45] Well it had.

[31:47] Slightly more on its mind than I thought it did.

[31:50] Like.

[31:50] It was about how.

[31:51] I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[31:52] Yeah.

[31:52] I mean like.

[31:53] Violence begets violence.

Dan McCoy

[31:54] Yeah.

[31:54] I mean there's a little twist of like.

[31:56] You know.

[31:56] Him like going on this whole rampage.

[31:58] And not.

[31:59] Not for any good reason.

[32:00] But.

[32:01] In between.

[32:01] There's a whole lot of nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[32:03] It's a really repetitive movie too.

[32:05] They just kind of go around in circles.

[32:06] The characters.

[32:08] Never accomplishing anything.

[32:09] Because of course.

[32:09] They're wrong headed the whole time.

[32:11] But even like.

[32:13] Even the repercussion.

[32:14] Like you could have set up.

[32:15] That there were big repercussions.

[32:16] Of what they're doing.

[32:17] But all it ended up being was.

[32:19] This Russian guy and Peter Stormare.

[32:20] Shooting each other in a parking lot.

[32:22] Yeah.

[32:23] I mean.

Dan McCoy

[32:23] Cage gets shot at the end.

[32:24] But that.

[32:25] I mean.

[32:25] It takes a long time.

[32:26] Do you think that was.

[32:27] Danny Glover's plan the whole time.

Stuart Wellington

[32:29] Was to get the entire criminal underworld.

[32:31] Of Motee, Alabama.

[32:32] To clean itself out.

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:33] Maybe.

[32:34] He's like.

[32:34] That's natural selection.

[32:36] Or wait.

[32:37] That was natural selection.

[32:38] Or he tried to play it off.

Dan McCoy

[32:39] Is that afterwards.

[32:40] Down at the police house.

[32:41] Like.

[32:41] Well.

[32:41] Everything turned out.

[32:42] Just as I thought it would.

[32:43] Damn it.

[32:43] Danny.

Elliott Kalan

[32:44] You let.

[32:45] You let.

Elliott Kalan

[32:45] You let.

[32:45] Several shootouts.

[32:46] Go on in your.

[32:47] In your town.

[32:48] Dozens of people are dead.

[32:49] There was a car chase.

Dan McCoy

[32:50] Yeah.

[32:51] Just as I planned.

[32:51] According to plan.

Elliott Kalan

[32:53] That is not possible.

[32:54] You might say it was a bit of.

[32:55] Pure luck.

[32:57] You might say.

[32:58] I was the predator too.

[33:01] I guess my mind is quite the.

[33:03] Lethal weapon.

[33:05] Beloved.

[33:05] No longer will Mobile, Alabama be a grand canyon.

[33:10] Nicolas Cage will see in the color red.

[33:11] But all I see is the color purple.

[33:13] Unforgiven.

[33:15] He's not in that.

[33:16] No he is.

[33:17] He is.

Dan McCoy

[33:19] Danny Glover is totally unforgiven.

Elliott Kalan

[33:21] What character does he play?

[33:22] Let us.

[33:23] Let us.

[33:23] Yeah.

[33:23] What's his character's name?

[33:25] Do this.

[33:25] Is his character's name Morgan Freeman racist dance?

Stuart Wellington

[33:28] Is it Gene Ackman?

Elliott Kalan

[33:30] Yeah.

[33:30] Is his character named Richard Harris?

[33:32] Yeah.

[33:32] Richard Harris.

[33:34] So anyway.

[33:35] I also give it a bad bad.

[33:36] This.

[33:37] It had potential.

[33:38] Any movie called Rage with Nicolas Cage.

Dan McCoy

[33:40] Oh you know I'm thinking of Silverado.

Stuart Wellington

[33:41] He was in Silverado.

[33:42] They're so different.

[33:44] Like opposite days of movies.

Elliott Kalan

[33:47] I mean they're both westerns.

[33:48] He was in Irreversible.

[33:49] Oh I'm sorry.

[33:49] I was thinking of Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Stuart Wellington

[33:51] Kevin Kline was in Unforgiven right?

[33:54] Yeah.

[33:55] He plays Clint Eastwood.

[33:55] And Jeff Goldblum.

[33:56] Yeah.

[33:58] And his sexiest westernist.

Dan McCoy

[34:00] You guys can suck it.

Elliott Kalan

[34:04] You're not just racist.

[34:05] You're western racist.

[34:07] All westerns look alike to you.

[34:09] I was watching that movie Blazing Saddles.

[34:11] Oh no no no.

[34:11] I'm sorry.

[34:12] Wyatt Earp.

[34:14] I was watching that movie Stagecoach.

[34:16] Oh no no.

[34:16] I'm sorry.

[34:17] I'm sorry.

[34:17] It was A Million Ways to Die in the West.

Stuart Wellington

[34:19] Oh no.

[34:20] You shouldn't watch that.

Elliott Kalan

[34:21] And I give it a bad bad.

[34:23] Could have been potential.

[34:24] Could have been.

[34:25] Should have been.

[34:25] I would rate this one only for the cage completest.

[34:29] Watch Stolen Again.

[34:30] Before you watch Rage once.

Stuart Wellington

[34:33] I'd even watch Seeking Justice before this one.

[34:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] Seeking Justice had some funny stuff in it.

[34:37] I watched.

[34:37] He had to go buy those candy bars to show that he wanted justice.

Dan McCoy

[34:40] I watched Season of the Witch.

[34:42] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[34:42] Season of the Witch had a demon fight at least.

[34:45] I think I may still watch this before Bangkok Dangerous.

[34:47] Yes.

[34:48] I would say this is the second worst we've seen.

[34:50] Bangkok Dangerous is still the worst.

Stuart Wellington

[34:52] Because at least this movie there's some rage.

[34:54] In Bangkok Dangerous there's nothing dangerous.

[34:56] Not even.

[34:57] No.

Elliott Kalan

[34:57] It's barely in Bangkok.

[34:59] Mostly takes place in the Bangkok suburbs.

[35:02] So.

[35:03] Bangkok Heights they call it.

Dan McCoy

[35:05] Bangkok Palisades.

[35:08] Moving on.

[35:10] Dot org.

[35:11] We have sold out our live show at the Bell House.

[35:15] What?

[35:16] What?

[35:17] What?

[35:17] It's crazy out.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] Sold out.

[35:18] There are no tickets left?

Dan McCoy

[35:20] There are none.

[35:21] Not even if they sleep with you Dan?

[35:23] Well.

[35:24] We could work something out.

[35:26] That was creepy.

[35:27] I'm sorry.

[35:27] There's no tickets left.

[35:28] I introduced it and it was super creepy to me.

Elliott Kalan

[35:31] No.

[35:32] But here's the thing.

[35:33] So thanks floppers for selling out our show weeks ahead of when the show actually was.

Stuart Wellington

[35:38] And if that thing Dan just said creeped you out you can't return those tickets.

[35:41] No.

[35:41] Non-refundable.

[35:43] But the office still open.

[35:46] No.

Dan McCoy

[35:48] Creepy.

[35:49] So.

[35:49] But we did want to say that if you're coming.

[35:53] If you want to make a night of it.

[35:55] If you want to come to Risk.

[35:56] The podcast that's on before us.

[35:58] Hosted by Kevin Allison.

[36:00] Mr. Kevin Allison.

[36:01] Of the state.

[36:02] Yeah.

[36:03] True stories.

[36:04] Boldly told.

[36:06] If you use the code FlophouseFan at checkout.

[36:10] You can get those tickets for $10.

[36:15] As opposed to $12.

[36:16] As opposed to $12 advance tickets or $15 at the door.

[36:20] That's a 50% saving.

[36:21] So.

[36:21] I don't know math.

[36:22] No.

[36:24] So that code again is FlophouseFan when buying tickets for Risk which precedes us.

[36:33] That starts at 8.

[36:34] Yeah.

[36:35] And we're on 10.

[36:37] So.

[36:38] Just wanted to give you that.

[36:40] So what's the code again?

[36:41] FlophouseFan.

[36:42] Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[36:43] And hey.

[36:44] We got another thing to plug don't we?

[36:45] What's that?

[36:46] Now.

[36:46] It's coming out the day.

[36:47] It came out today the day we're recording this.

[36:49] But.

[36:50] Maybe you'll still get a chance to buy it in stores if it hasn't sold out.

[36:54] But a little comical book we've been talking about called Flash Gordon Holiday Special.

Stuart Wellington

[36:57] Yeah.

[36:58] The internet is on fire.

[37:00] Somebody put it out.

[37:01] No wait.

[37:02] Ah.

[37:03] Let it burn.

[37:03] Because the Flash Gordon Holiday Special is awesome and on fire.

[37:07] Wait.

Elliott Kalan

[37:08] I'm not.

[37:09] Don't really read the logic.

[37:10] Well.

[37:10] Radical.

[37:11] Well.

[37:12] There's three stories in it.

[37:14] Each one written by a different Flophouse co-host.

[37:16] Mm-hmm.

[37:16] Their names are Dan, Stuart, and Elliot.

[37:18] And they're totally radical.

Dan McCoy

[37:21] You know.

[37:21] For a fun game.

[37:22] You could not look on the inside cover and try and guess who wrote what.

[37:26] It's not that fun.

[37:27] No.

[37:27] I mean.

[37:27] If you're a lonely child.

[37:29] With no friends sitting at home.

[37:30] You could.

[37:31] You could do that.

[37:31] And I want to.

Stuart Wellington

[37:32] You're just going to tell the darkness.

[37:34] Yeah.

[37:35] You're just going to make those guesses out.

[37:37] And then once you.

[37:37] If you get it right.

[37:38] You can.

[37:39] To the fucking Babatook hanging out in your backyard.

Elliott Kalan

[37:41] If you get it right.

[37:42] You can quietly go.

[37:43] Yay.

[37:44] To yourself.

[37:45] And then masturbate to the Red Sonja ads in the back of the comic.

Stuart Wellington

[37:49] So that's a good time.

[37:50] That was the best part was showing a guy at work.

[37:53] Showing one of my customers when I was at work.

[37:55] The comic I wrote.

[37:57] And they always stop at the Red Sonja ad.

[38:00] And I'm like.

[38:00] I didn't write that.

[38:01] They're like.

[38:02] Maybe you should have.

[38:03] She devil with the sword you say.

Dan McCoy

[38:06] But.

[38:08] Why is it always butts with you Dan?

[38:09] Now that we have gotten through that nonsense.

Stuart Wellington

[38:13] I want to plug something.

[38:14] Oh.

[38:15] So add on.

[38:16] Whoa.

[38:17] Surprise plug.

[38:18] On February 21st.

[38:21] In the next year.

[38:23] That's 2015.

[38:24] At the Alamo Draft House in Yonkers, New York.

[38:28] They're going to be screening.

[38:30] A rare 35 millimeter print of the movie.

[38:34] Castle Freak.

[38:35] What?

[38:36] What?

[38:36] The Ding Dong Ripoff movie?

[38:37] Indeed.

[38:38] You will see the Ding Dong Ripoff in the flesh.

[38:41] Whoa.

[38:42] Just joking.

[38:42] It's going to be on screen.

[38:43] Oh.

[38:44] I'm going to be there.

[38:45] And it doesn't exist.

[38:46] There may be some other special guests.

[38:48] Tickets are going to go on sale in January.

[38:51] That's February 21st.

[38:53] I totally recommend it.

[38:54] It's super fun.

[38:56] Alamo Draft House.

[38:58] So.

[38:59] Yonkers, New York.

[38:59] Moving on.

[39:01] USA.

[39:03] Planet Earth.

[39:03] Wait at R.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] Milky Way.

[39:06] Is playing at the universe.

Stuart Wellington

[39:08] Hello.

[39:08] I'm Taco.

[39:09] The elephant magician.

[39:10] Moral High Church here.

[39:12] The master of clerical magic.

S4

[39:14] I'm Magnus Burnside.

[39:16] The fighter.

[39:17] Did you guys like that?

[39:18] Did you, the listener, like that?

[39:20] You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen and anything is possible.

[39:26] Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximum Fun,

[39:31] in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience.

[39:36] You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximumFun.org or iTunes.

[39:40] It's for Dungeons & Dragons, but with family.

[39:46] Hi, this is Dave Hill from Dave Hill's Podcasting Incident on the Maximum Fun Network.

[39:51] I'm here with my lovely and talented secretary, Ms. Shana Feinberg.

[39:55] Shana, I understand you've been doing a bit of research to find out what listeners think of the show.

Elliott Kalan

[40:00] Yes, I have, Dave.

[40:01] And what have you found?

[40:03] Well, people that love it say they love it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment.

Dan McCoy

[40:08] Awesome.

[40:09] What do people that hate it say?

Elliott Kalan

[40:10] They hate it because it's just Dave hanging out with someone in his apartment.

S4

[40:14] Oh.

[40:15] Listen to Dave Hill's podcast dancing on the Maximum Fun Network.

[40:19] Motherf***.

[40:20] Was that too much?

Elliott Kalan

[40:22] No, I think it was perfect.

S5

[40:24] Letters from listeners.

Dan McCoy

[40:39] We love them.

[40:40] The next segment.

[40:41] You write them.

[40:42] We read them.

[40:43] You eat them.

Elliott Kalan

[40:44] We seed them.

[40:47] You beat them.

[40:48] Then you greet them.

Dan McCoy

[40:51] Lead them?

[40:52] Cheat them.

[40:53] Thanks.

[40:54] So, this first letter is titled...

Elliott Kalan

[40:58] Let her in.

[40:59] Oh, good.

[41:00] She's a letter.

[41:01] Let her in to your mailbox.

[41:04] Let her in.

[41:06] It's a letter for you and the lady.

[41:10] But a letter.

[41:12] It's a piece of paper with writing on it.

[41:15] But there's something distinctly feminine about it.

[41:18] Can't quite explain it.

[41:20] Maybe a woman was reincarnated as a letter.

[41:24] Or a tree made into paper for us to write a letter on.

[41:29] She's like a Greek myth.

[41:31] It's beyond my understanding.

[41:33] She slept with Zeus and Hera turned her into a tree.

[41:36] Yeah.

[41:36] The important thing is it's a letter.

[41:39] Let her in.

[41:41] Letters was taped in front of a live studio audience.

[41:44] Thanks, guys.

[41:45] Or specifically Elliot.

[41:49] Sit, letters, sit.

Dan McCoy

[41:50] Roof.

[41:50] Good letter.

[41:51] This goes a little something like this.

Elliott Kalan

[41:54] Dear Dan...

[41:55] Something like this?

[41:56] Or is this the exact text of the letter?

[41:58] I may paraphrase.

[41:59] He makes it up.

Dan McCoy

[42:00] Dear Dan, the real McCoy, Elliot, Waylon, Kalin, and Stuart, Beefcake, Wellington.

[42:06] Oh, wow.

[42:06] If the Crypt Keeper opened a Chinese restaurant...

Elliott Kalan

[42:10] This feels like entrapment.

[42:11] One.

Dan McCoy

[42:12] One.

[42:12] Would it be scary out or die in?

[42:16] Two.

[42:17] Would he serve Mongolian beef?

[42:20] Yes.

[42:21] Three.

[42:22] Would he serve boo-goo-dai-pan?

[42:24] I feel like this is more of a pitch than a letter.

[42:28] If he played a joke, would he put Cree pee in your Coke?

[42:33] Not to be confused with Cree pee, the urine of the Cree race.

[42:39] Keep up the magnificent work.

[42:41] Sweet Pee Garfunkel, name held lovingly.

[42:44] So what did that have to do with us?

Elliott Kalan

[42:46] I mean, we love the Crypt Keeper and his puns.

[42:50] That's pretty much it.

[42:50] I know that the Crypt Keeper married a Chinese woman.

[42:54] It doesn't mean that they have to open a Chinese restaurant.

[42:56] She's very sweet.

[42:58] Oh, okay.

[42:58] And they're very happy together.

[42:59] And understanding.

[43:00] Yeah.

[43:01] You have to be when you're married to a Crypt Keeper.

[43:02] You have to have a great sense of humor.

[43:04] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:04] Cultural misunderstandings.

Elliott Kalan

[43:05] One of them's Chinese, the other one's a ghoul.

[43:07] Well, but the thing is, there's so many great opportunities for puns in the Chinese language.

Stuart Wellington

[43:11] And she really supports his interest in getting dressed up for stuff.

[43:16] What?

[43:17] And putting on costumes and shit.

[43:18] Like tuxedos and things?

[43:20] Yeah, he puts tuxedos and like Dracula costumes on.

[43:23] How are those two things different?

[43:26] Well, one of them has like an ascot.

[43:29] He's like a fucking bunch of medals and shit.

Dan McCoy

[43:31] Now, is there something about her being a Chinese woman specifically that makes her more supportive?

[43:36] No, I'm just saying she's very supportive.

[43:38] No, she's just a very nice lady.

[43:40] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] Damn, not everything is about race.

Dan McCoy

[43:42] Well, everything.

[43:42] The weird thing is.

[43:43] Up until this point, it seemed like it was being about race, so I didn't.

Stuart Wellington

[43:46] Weird thing is, her name's Julia.

[43:48] He's never called her Ghoulia.

[43:50] No, out of respect.

[43:51] Yeah.

[43:53] It's a foundation of respect.

Elliott Kalan

[43:54] Yeah.

[43:55] So that was a thing.

[43:56] Marriage, guys.

[43:57] He does actually, although occasionally say that he'd like to stake love to her.

[44:01] And he holds like a vampire stake, you know?

[44:04] Yeah.

[44:05] She puts up with it.

[44:08] And there was some misunderstanding when at the wedding, they said, do you take this woman

[44:12] to be your lawfully wedded wife?

[44:13] And he goes, I die.

[44:16] I said, do you mean I do?

[44:17] They're like, that's not even a good one.

[44:19] No, it's not a good pun.

[44:20] And you have to say I do.

[44:20] It's legally binding, sir.

[44:23] Crypti, you got to say the right words or you're not going to be married.

[44:26] And his wife, Julia, was like, Crypti, for me, can you please be serious for once?

[44:32] I'll write for Boo, Julia.

Dan McCoy

[44:36] She's his boo.

[44:37] Anyway.

[44:39] This one goes like this.

[44:41] My boyfriend loves y'all.

Stuart Wellington

[44:43] So was the old witch his best man?

[44:46] The old witch was the maid of honor.

[44:48] The vault keeper.

[44:49] The vault keeper was the best man.

[44:50] Okay.

[44:52] Oh, wow.

[44:53] So she's in with his friends if she's, when the old witch was his maid of honor.

[44:57] Oh, yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[44:59] Oh, no, no.

[45:00] Julia quickly became part of the gang.

Dan McCoy

[45:03] Great.

[45:04] I'm glad that that all worked out.

[45:05] Was William Sadler invited?

[45:08] I'm glad that this fictional marriage is working out well.

[45:11] They're not going to get divorced.

[45:13] You know why, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[45:14] Communication.

Elliott Kalan

[45:15] It's the foundation of any marriage.

[45:16] And respect.

[45:17] I think we've already talked about that.

[45:18] And the ability to laugh together.

[45:20] Yeah.

[45:21] Thank you.

[45:22] So William Sadler was invited.

[45:23] Yeah.

[45:24] William Sadler was actually the, performed the ceremony.

[45:26] Oh, wow.

[45:27] I didn't know.

[45:27] Yeah, he got ordained in the Church of Life online.

[45:31] Yeah, he was like, I hope you have a good.

Stuart Wellington

[45:34] It's ironic because he played Death in the Bill and Ted movie.

Dan McCoy

[45:37] I hope you have a good demon wedding night, he said.

[45:42] Because he's in the movie Demon Night.

[45:43] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[45:44] He was like, yes, I get the joke.

[45:46] Billy Zane was not invited.

Elliott Kalan

[45:47] It's a minor effort.

[45:48] Dennis Miller was there.

[45:51] No.

[45:52] Matt Frewer was there.

[45:53] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[45:55] Dennis Miller was there because of Bordello Blood.

[45:56] Sure.

[45:57] Matt Frewer was there because of Max Headrom.

Elliott Kalan

[45:59] Max Headrom?

Dan McCoy

[46:01] He's the Headrom.

[46:04] So this letter goes like this.

[46:06] My boyfriend loves y'all more than he loves me.

[46:09] Really.

[46:09] Wow, that's so sad.

[46:10] He does.

[46:11] He's listening to every...

Elliott Kalan

[46:12] Not after that last bit.

[46:13] No.

[46:14] No.

[46:14] He is shutting it off and declaring himself flop free.

[46:18] Since 2014.

[46:18] He's looking around his room at all of his flop collectibles, throwing them away.

[46:23] Just torching them.

[46:24] Yeah.

[46:25] Just there that lighter in an aerosol can.

Dan McCoy

[46:28] He's listened to every episode twice and sometimes mentions your names like your close friends.

[46:33] So I've done what every jealous girlfriend does and checked out my competition.

[46:38] Now I know nothing about movies, so pretty much everything you talk about goes right over my head.

[46:42] But I have to admit, I've been enjoying listening to The Flophouse.

[46:44] You have great chemistry.

[46:46] Elliot's voice makes me giggle.

[46:47] And sometimes you talk about a cat.

[46:49] So great.

[46:50] I wish I could say that I don't enjoy listening to the podcast so I'd have a legitimate reason to be bitter.

[46:56] But unfortunately, I cannot.

[46:58] I'm willing to share my boyfriend with you and even make nice with the other woman.

[47:02] I think you've misunderstood our feelings.

Stuart Wellington

[47:03] We just want him on weekends.

Dan McCoy

[47:05] But I reserve the right to terminate the relationship at any point.

[47:09] Okay, boys?

[47:10] Okay, good.

[47:11] Glad to be able to get that off my chest.

[47:14] Thanks for reading.

[47:15] McKenzie.

[47:16] P.S.

[47:17] Castle Freak?

[47:17] Seriously?

[47:18] P.S.

[47:19] Some more.

[47:20] If you happen to read this during letters, Richard, I love you.

[47:22] Oh, that's very sweet.

[47:23] Yes.

[47:24] I hope that they haven't broken up in between times.

Elliott Kalan

[47:26] Wow.

[47:27] Way to go to the dark place, Dan.

[47:29] We told a beautiful story of love between an old cryptkeeper and Julia.

Dan McCoy

[47:35] I'm just acknowledging how long it takes me to get to some of these letters.

[47:38] Well, when's that letter from?

Elliott Kalan

[47:41] Lost to the mists of time.

[47:42] Sure.

[47:45] Sometime before the third Martian rebellion.

[47:48] Like gorillas in the mist.

Stuart Wellington

[47:50] These are the days of our lives.

[47:52] Was that between the guys with the four arms and the tripods?

Elliott Kalan

[47:56] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[47:58] It was the war between the Martians from War of the Worlds, the Martians from John Carter,

[48:03] and the Martians from Out of the Silent Planet.

[48:07] Was Alan Moore doing the script?

[48:10] Yeah, yeah.

[48:10] Okay.

[48:11] But then he disavowed all knowledge of it.

Stuart Wellington

[48:13] It was okay, and they got kind of weird with weird sex stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[48:16] Well, that's the thing.

[48:16] It turned into all the characters having sex with each other, and then Orlando showed

[48:20] up because he loves that character even though nobody else does.

Stuart Wellington

[48:24] Hilda Swinton does, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[48:26] Well, I guess it's the same character, but technically, if only Borlando would show up.

Dan McCoy

[48:32] So, this letter is from Alec, last name with Held, who writes...

[48:36] Guinness.

[48:37] In the Any Which Way You Can episode, you fellows expressed some discomfort concerning

[48:41] Clyde's treatment of his orangutan consort.

Elliott Kalan

[48:45] You mean kidnapping and sexual harassment?

[48:48] Yes.

Dan McCoy

[48:48] And Philo's complicity in this apparent great ape date rape.

Stuart Wellington

[48:53] But somewhere...

[48:54] Trying to mix up Dan, I like it.

Dan McCoy

[48:56] Somewhere in the deep recesses of my consciousness, a light went off, and I reexamined a passage

[49:01] in a book I'd read once on evolutionary psychology.

[49:05] I remembered correctly.

[49:07] The majority of orangutan couplings would be considered rape by human standards.

[49:11] Let me explain.

[49:12] No, please.

[49:13] Sexually mature male orangutans fall into two categories, flanged and unflanged.

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] Sexually mature orangutans fall into two categories, scientifically known as goofuses and gallants.

[49:25] Goofus orangutans play instead of helping their mother set the table, whereas gallant orangutans

[49:31] set the table and then say thank you for a delicious meal.

Stuart Wellington

[49:33] Can I buy a book to find out which one I am from Spencer's Gifts?

[49:37] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[49:38] It's right next to the card of Michelangelo's David with a big dick.

[49:42] Lange males are older.

[49:43] What's that for?

[49:44] Like a birthday?

[49:45] It's like a lady's birthday or bachelorette party.

Stuart Wellington

[49:48] Okay.

[49:48] I would think it'd be for like a guy's birthday because they think if they're getting older,

[49:52] their dick's getting bigger, right?

[49:53] No, no, for the guy's birthday is the card of the Mona Lisa with their top down and there's

[49:57] your boobs hanging out.

Elliott Kalan

[49:58] Spencer's Gifts being crass and crude since whenever it started.

Dan McCoy

[50:03] Also, it has that globe where you put your hands on and there's static electricity.

[50:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:07] Yeah.

[50:08] It's called a static globe.

[50:09] That's where all the nerds hung out in Spencer's.

[50:11] I was by the truck nuts and Guns N' Roses t-shirts display.

Dan McCoy

[50:15] But anyway, flange males are older, 15 to 20 years, and have reached this age in absence

[50:20] of any other flange males.

[50:22] Oh, flange males.

[50:24] They have the characteristic cheek and throat flaps and longer hair.

[50:29] Unflanged males are somewhat younger and or have reached maturity in the presence of a dominant

[50:35] flange male.

Elliott Kalan

[50:36] Does anyone want to explain what a flange is?

Dan McCoy

[50:39] Though flange males attract females with a long cause.

Elliott Kalan

[50:42] I'm just going to assume it's some kind of a spring.

Dan McCoy

[50:45] That has like a fake eyeball on it or something.

[50:47] And protect their harems by roving unflanged males.

[50:51] The unflanged, like our hero Clyde, are able to mate only by force.

[50:55] Points to Dan if you made it through the above paragraph without tripping over his booze-numbed

[50:59] tongue.

[50:59] So zero points.

[51:02] Anyway, it seems, therefore, that rather than being morally dubious, any which way is treatment

[51:07] of orangutans, sexuality is merely accurate.

Elliott Kalan

[51:10] As Werner Herzog would say, any which way but loose represents the human being.

[51:15] The inherent brutality of romance in the animal kingdom.

[51:19] A world where true love is but a lie.

[51:23] And all sexual relations are but a battle between one set of chromosomes over another.

[51:31] I mean, the next sentence basically says that.

Dan McCoy

[51:32] It actually forces us to acknowledge the species-specific evolutionary basis of our own sense of right

[51:39] and wrong.

[51:40] Please know I would never stand behind.

Elliott Kalan

[51:41] When you stare into the Clyde duilogy, you stare into the abyss of your very soul.

Dan McCoy

[51:47] I would never stand behind any act of human on human sexual violence.

[51:51] But when it comes to...

[51:52] I hope so.

[51:52] Even our...

[51:53] I hope...

[51:54] Taking a big stand there, buddy.

[51:55] Taking a guess.

[51:56] This bold stance.

[51:57] Yep.

Stuart Wellington

[51:58] Same kind of stand of like a Nickelback song.

[52:02] How so, Stu?

[52:03] Like, they got songs like, it's not cool to beat up a woman and shit like that.

[52:07] Like, no shit.

[52:09] Yeah.

[52:10] Continue.

Dan McCoy

[52:12] They've got like a song that's called Candy is Sweet.

[52:15] I mean, what?

Elliott Kalan

[52:16] Just like a very basic stand.

[52:18] Okay.

[52:18] Maybe the least creepy thing anyone could have ever said in that of Dan, it sounds creepy.

[52:24] Dan, you've mastered creepiness.

[52:27] I think you could say anything and make it creepy.

[52:28] Just go like, it's raining today.

[52:32] Or like, grandma says hi.

[52:39] You're a master is what I'm saying.

[52:40] I can only bow at the feet of the master.

[52:42] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] A regular creep show.

[52:45] Thank you.

[52:45] You've successfully made me feel terrible about myself.

[52:49] But when it comes to even our closest cousins, who are we to judge?

[52:52] Clearly, Buddy Van Horn feels the same way.

[52:55] My cousin Sarah and Jill?

[52:56] Yeah.

[52:57] So, anyway, that's...

Stuart Wellington

[52:58] Keep them away from unflanged males.

Dan McCoy

[53:00] Or flanged males, for that matter.

[53:02] All right.

[53:03] Well, Alex, last name withheld.

[53:05] Thank you for your orangutan sex tips.

[53:06] Are orangutans really our closest cousins closer than chimpanzees?

[53:11] Ask the letter.

[53:13] Letter.

[53:14] Yes.

[53:15] Are orangutans really our closest cousins?

Elliott Kalan

[53:19] Maybe to you.

[53:20] Zing.

[53:21] Burn.

Dan McCoy

[53:22] That was weird.

[53:22] That was a really sassy letter.

[53:25] It's a sassy letter, but the burn, the quality of the burn was pretty low, I feel like.

[53:30] I mean, yeah, it's a letter.

[53:31] You gotta, you know.

[53:32] Sure.

[53:32] Grating it on a curve.

[53:33] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[53:34] Yes.

[53:35] Trouble with the grading on the curve.

Dan McCoy

[53:37] So, all right.

[53:38] This last letter.

[53:40] Just tell me, is the word flange in it?

[53:42] No.

[53:44] It's titled, Urgent Question!

Elliott Kalan

[53:47] An urchin question.

[53:48] Okay.

[53:48] You're gonna want to make sure to butcher that urchin pretty carefully to get the right

[53:51] meat out of it.

[53:53] Don't watch out for the spines.

[53:55] Watch out for it's low, yeah, it's low grabbing hands.

[53:58] That's what I'm talking about, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[53:59] There's little kids that live on the street.

[54:00] You should have boiled those hands.

[54:01] You wanna have the urchin clean your chimney before you bircher it.

Stuart Wellington

[54:06] Before you bircher it?

[54:07] It's where you turn it into a birch tree.

[54:09] Ever since it had sex with Zeus, Hera birched that urchin.

[54:14] We call it birching.

Dan McCoy

[54:17] Getting totally birched.

[54:18] Okay.

[54:19] Urgent Question.

[54:20] Dear Flophouse.

[54:21] Dear Flophouse.

[54:22] Urgent Question.

[54:23] Yes.

[54:23] What Julie Andrews movies are worth watching?

[54:26] Louis Last Name Withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[54:28] What Julie Andrews movies are worth watching?

[54:29] Yep.

[54:30] Well, there's The Americanization of Emily.

[54:31] Yeah.

[54:32] That's a good movie.

Dan McCoy

[54:32] You got your Mary Poppins.

[54:34] Yeah, yep.

[54:35] If, like me, when you were young you had weird sexual feelings about Mary Poppins, you

[54:39] wanna watch SOB so you can see Julie Andrews Topless.

Elliott Kalan

[54:42] I've never seen the movie all the way through, but my mom's a big fan of Victor Victoria.

[54:46] Victor Victoria's not bad.

[54:47] Yeah, yeah.

[54:49] Is that it?

[54:50] I mean, it's, there's, I, maybe.

[54:52] There's not a lot of, uh.

[54:54] I mean, she's in, like, Sound of Music, but it's not that good a movie.

[54:57] No, it isn't.

[54:57] She's in, like, The Princess Diaries.

[54:58] That's a more recent Julie Andrews.

Stuart Wellington

[55:01] Yeah.

[55:01] Can you check to see if she's in Unforgiven?

Elliott Kalan

[55:04] Yeah.

[55:05] Yeah, she, she plays the duck of death, right?

[55:09] That would be a totally different movie with Julie Andrews.

S5

[55:12] Why not kill a president?

[55:13] Yeah.

[55:13] Yeah, what other movies is she in, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[55:18] She, she hasn't done, you know, she was, uh, she has some voices in Shrek.

[55:23] So not good.

[55:24] Nothing good there.

Stuart Wellington

[55:25] I don't recommend Shrek.

[55:26] Uh.

Dan McCoy

[55:27] In fact, it's not Shrek-recommended.

[55:30] There's an on Golden Pond, a TV version of that, though.

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] Okay, I haven't seen that version of it.

[55:36] Uh, Fine Romance?

[55:37] Julie Andrews.

[55:39] Julie Andrews.

[55:40] Once, uh, you've tuned into the podcast, Dan looks up Julie Andrews movies on his phone

[55:46] while you listen.

Dan McCoy

[55:47] Uh, The Pink Panther Strikes Again?

Elliott Kalan

[55:49] Which one is that?

[55:51] Is that the one with the laser that's gonna destroy the Earth?

Dan McCoy

[55:53] Yes, that's the Doomsday, uh, laser.

[55:56] Okay.

[55:57] That's a good one.

[55:58] All right.

[55:58] Of the Pink Panther films.

[56:00] I think that's, uh, you know, like, that's second or third after Shot in the Dark.

Elliott Kalan

[56:04] I like, uh, what's the one where,

[56:07] with Christopher Plummer as the Phantom.

[56:09] I think that's my second favorite.

[56:10] It's either Return.

[56:11] I think it's Return of the Pink Panther.

[56:13] That's the one with the, uh, the stuff about, uh, asking about if there are any rooms at

[56:17] the hotel, right?

[56:18] Right.

[56:19] And he arrests that, the guy who has-

[56:20] Is that the one with, like-

[56:21] The monkey that's, that's begging on the street.

[56:23] Good dog.

Dan McCoy

[56:23] Does he bite?

Elliott Kalan

[56:24] Yeah, I think so.

[56:25] There's a lot, there's a lot in that movie of Frenchmen not understanding Peter Sellers'

[56:30] French accent.

[56:31] Uh.

[56:31] So, Julie Andrews is not in that, but it's still good.

Dan McCoy

[56:35] And apparently, not in that many good movies, even though being an icon.

Elliott Kalan

[56:38] So, so here's what you're gonna do.

[56:39] You're gonna take a picture of Julie Andrews.

[56:41] You're gonna cut it out.

[56:42] You're gonna put it on your TV screen.

[56:43] Now, every movie you watch has Julie Andrews in it.

[56:46] I don't care what movie it is.

[56:47] Nightmare Before Christmas, Spaceballs, Jurassic Park, Ghostbusters, Birth of a Nation.

[56:51] Julie Andrews is in it now.

[56:53] Oh, Sherlock Jr.

[56:55] With Julie Andrews.

[56:55] Wow, that's a movie marathon you're talking about.

[56:56] Done.

[56:56] There you go.

[56:57] Fantasia with Julie Andrews.

[56:58] Here it is.

[56:59] Uh, The Land That Time Forgot, sure.

[57:01] The Land Before Time, sure.

[57:02] She's in both those.

[57:03] Baby the Last Dinosaur?

[57:05] Baby the Last Dinosaur.

[57:06] Julie Andrews is in it.

[57:07] Look, if you wanna see Julie Andrews meet a dinosaur, you're gonna have to do it this

[57:10] way.

Dan McCoy

[57:11] So, this has been one of the weirder episodes we've done.

Elliott Kalan

[57:14] Uh, one of the more lackluster, I think.

[57:17] Yeah.

[57:17] No, well, I think that-

[57:18] Let's say you're watching that old California Raisins TV special.

[57:20] Throw Julie Andrews on that.

[57:22] The lackluster quality.

[57:22] Maybe you're watching an episode of ER.

[57:24] Julie Andrews it.

Dan McCoy

[57:26] The lacklusterness has led to the weirdness.

Elliott Kalan

[57:28] You're watching A Town Called Panic.

[57:29] Throw Julie Andrews on that.

[57:31] I don't know that movie.

[57:32] No, it's a French cartoon movie.

[57:33] Is Julie Andrews in it?

[57:34] She is not in it, unless you put a picture of Julie Andrews on your screen.

[57:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[57:38] You're gonna have to do the voice, too.

[57:39] The door's open.

[57:40] You wanna see Julie Andrews on the voice?

[57:41] Stick Julie Andrews on your screen.

[57:43] Watch My Fair Lady and imagine that she was cast in that.

Elliott Kalan

[57:47] Watch Sound of Music.

[57:48] Stick a picture of Julie Andrews on there.

[57:50] It's like multiplicity with Julie Andrews.

[57:52] Oh, no kidding.

[57:52] Now watch Multiplicity.

[57:53] Put Julie Andrews on there.

[57:54] It's like multiplicity with Julie Andrews.

Stuart Wellington

[57:56] Is that anything like virtuosity with Julie Andrews?

Elliott Kalan

[57:58] It is if you put Julie Andrews on the top of the TV there.

[58:01] Lawnmower Julie Andrews?

[58:02] Yes.

[58:02] It's Lawnmower Man with a picture of Julie Andrews on it.

[58:05] Julie Andrews of the Corn?

[58:06] Again, you can make it happen.

[58:11] Vampire Hunter Julie Andrews.

[58:13] Just watch Vampire Hunter D.

[58:14] Stick Julie Andrews on the screen.

[58:15] Sure.

[58:15] Hard Bodies with Julie Andrews?

[58:16] You got it.

[58:17] Bikini Car Wash Company with Julie Andrews.

[58:19] You can make it happen.

[58:20] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[58:21] Those were letters.

Elliott Kalan

[58:22] Look.

[58:24] Animal Instincts 1, 2, 3, or 4.

[58:26] Night Eyes.

[58:26] Put Julie Andrews on there.

Dan McCoy

[58:29] They were very useful.

[58:30] Emmanuel and Rio.

[58:31] Just stick Julie Andrews on the screen.

[58:33] But now we have to put those letters behind us.

Elliott Kalan

[58:36] Halloween 3.

[58:37] Julie Andrews it up.

[58:38] That's Season of the Witch.

Stuart Wellington

[58:40] Season of the Julie Andrews Witch.

Dan McCoy

[58:43] Moving to...

Elliott Kalan

[58:44] Star Trek 2, Wrath of Khan.

[58:46] No, no, no, my friends.

[58:46] Star Trek 2, Wrath of Julie Andrews.

[58:49] Recommendations.

[58:49] Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Dan McCoy

[58:50] Looks like Julie Andrews is taking a day off.

[58:52] The next thing that happens is recommendations.

[58:55] Dr. Strange Love.

[58:56] Dr. Julie Andrews Love.

[58:58] We recommend movies that we've seen.

[58:59] Back to Peter Sellers, I guess.

[59:01] That we like.

Elliott Kalan

[59:01] Peter Weller?

[59:02] Sure.

[59:03] Robo's Julie Andrews.

[59:04] Buckaroo Andrews across the 8th Julie.

Dan McCoy

[59:06] Or I could just leave the room and this could keep happening.

Elliott Kalan

[59:09] Wait, is Julie Andrews the same as Julie, the Crypt Keeper's new wife?

[59:14] Julia, you mean?

[59:15] No, Julia.

Stuart Wellington

[59:16] Julia.

[59:17] Julia Andrews.

[59:17] Julie's short for Julia.

[59:19] Julia Andrews is the last Crypt Keeper's last name.

Elliott Kalan

[59:22] Andrews is.

[59:23] So she became Julia Andrews when she married Crypt Keeper Andrews.

[59:27] Wait, are you?

[59:28] The guy that they named Andrews Air Force Base after.

[59:30] Yeah.

[59:31] Because the Crypt Keeper's time in the Air Force.

[59:34] What are you saying?

Dan McCoy

[59:34] Blake Edwards is the Crypt Keeper.

Elliott Kalan

[59:38] Have you ever seen them in the room together at the same time?

[59:40] Nope.

[59:41] Yeah.

[59:41] Well, you make a good.

Stuart Wellington

[59:43] Every time somebody puts a Crypt Keeper sign up in the sky, Blake Edwards makes a hasty exit.

Elliott Kalan

[59:48] Speaking of which, how did Tommy Wiseau get Julie Andrews for the movie The Room?

[59:52] I'll tell you how.

[59:52] Stuck a picture of Julie Andrews on the screen.

Dan McCoy

[59:55] Can we please move on to recommendations?

[59:57] Big Top Pee Wee starring Julie Andrews.

[1:00:01] Of movies that we've seen recently.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:03] Cross of Iron from Sam Peckinbos starring Julie Andrews.

[1:00:05] Oh, God.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:06] So, I'm going to recommend first in the hopes that we'll shut this down.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:12] Critters starring Julie Andrews.

[1:00:13] A couple movies.

[1:00:15] She won the space bounty on hers or I guess she's just in the whole thing.

[1:00:18] Yeah, yeah.

[1:00:18] She's just in the whole thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:19] She gives us a picture of her.

[1:00:20] Julie Andrews and Ghoulies.

[1:00:22] Now, it's called Julie's.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:23] Now, does that lower the tension at all?

[1:00:25] Because you know that there's no chance a critter's going to eat her because she's literally glued to the TV.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:29] You don't know that.

[1:00:30] She's so charismatic as a still image.

[1:00:31] You think she's part of it.

[1:00:32] Yeah.

[1:00:32] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:33] You know what?

[1:00:33] I'm not going to recommend anything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:34] No, no.

[1:00:35] Recommend a movie, Dan.

[1:00:36] Then we can stick Julie Andrews in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:38] I watched a couple of screeners lately.

[1:00:42] I watched Nightcrawler.

[1:00:43] I watched Foxcatcher.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:45] Now, you're bragging that as a voter for the Writers Guild Awards, you get DVDs of movies that are still in the theaters.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:52] Yes.

[1:00:52] I wouldn't say I was bragging.

[1:00:53] It's just a fact.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:54] Well, you just threw out the term screeners.

[1:00:55] Kind of a humble brag.

[1:00:56] You could have just said you saw these movies and implied that you saw them in the theaters like normal folk.

[1:01:00] Yeah, you paid full price.

[1:01:02] If you want to see Julie Andrews in it, you'd have to print out a 30-foot-tall poster board image of Julie Andrews.

[1:01:07] Stick it in front of the screen.

[1:01:08] This is what you would hear.

[1:01:09] Hey, down in front.

[1:01:10] I'm sorry, Ms. Andrews.

[1:01:11] I loved you in every movie ever because I put a picture of you in front of it.

[1:01:16] Continue, please.

[1:01:17] So what did you see that you really liked?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:19] No, I liked both of those movies, Nightcrawler and Foxcatcher.

[1:01:22] They both had problems.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:25] You love three-syllable titles.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:27] Foxcatcher was a little dour all through.

[1:01:30] It kind of was pitched on the same level all the way through of sort of oppressive.

[1:01:36] There's no X-Man named Foxcatcher, right?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:40] There isn't, but there should be.

[1:01:41] Okay, continue.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:42] But the acting was very good from all of the main leads.

[1:01:48] I think one of the dark riders might be named Foxglove.

[1:01:50] God, I'm just not going to do anything.

[1:01:53] No, no, no, Channing Tatum.

[1:01:55] Like this question of whether an X-Man was named Foxcatcher.

[1:01:59] He's got a fake nose.

[1:02:00] Like it actually adds literally nothing.

[1:02:02] There's no reason to interrupt with that question.

[1:02:05] Like it just does nothing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:07] So let it roll off your back, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:09] Like water off a duck's butt.

[1:02:11] Not after all that we've been through.

[1:02:12] I can't do it.

[1:02:15] It's a good movie.

[1:02:17] Foxcatcher.

[1:02:17] You like that.

[1:02:18] I don't got much more to say.

[1:02:19] You got kind of mixed reviews, Dan.

[1:02:21] That's all I'm saying.

[1:02:22] How dare you interrupt me and I'm done.

[1:02:24] Well, I'm done because I know that if I keep talking, there's only going to be more of the fucking thing.

[1:02:29] How was Jake Gyllenhaal good in Nightcrawler?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:31] How was Julie Andrews in Nightcrawler?

[1:02:34] Of the two movies, I liked Nightcrawler more, but I thought that it was a little simplistic with some of its critique of news journalism and tabloid journalism.

[1:02:47] But in terms of a mood piece, in terms of a thriller of a kind that's not made a lot anymore, where the hero of the thriller is not actually a likable person, but you're still kind of invested anyway.

[1:03:01] I liked it a lot on those levels.

[1:03:04] Both definitely worth seeing.

[1:03:07] And that's what I'll say about those.

[1:03:09] Okay.

[1:03:10] Anyone else have recommendations?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:12] Well, I watched one screener so far of what was sent to me.

[1:03:15] I watched Boyhood, which I liked.

[1:03:17] But enough people have talked about Boyhood.

[1:03:19] We watched a revenge movie today, so I thought I'd recommend a revenge movie.

[1:03:23] Here's a movie that...

[1:03:24] Revenge of the Nerds.

[1:03:25] It's called Revenge of the Nerds, Nerds in Paradise.

[1:03:30] The Revenge...

[1:03:31] Okay, so the nerds are in heaven, literally Paradiso, and they need revenge on God.

[1:03:36] It's like the Golden Compass series.

[1:03:38] For making them nerds.

[1:03:40] They say, God, you're omnipotent.

[1:03:41] Why did you not place us in a world where nerds are desired?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:43] I'm impressed they made it into heaven with all their cheating and their kind of rapiness.

[1:03:47] And date raping?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:48] Well, let me tell you.

[1:03:49] It turns out God is the ultimate party animal, which means he is a jerk.

[1:03:54] But anyway, a movie...

[1:03:56] So here's a movie that's not thought of as a revenge movie often, but it is.

[1:03:59] And it's, for a few dollars more, the often overlooked second chapter of the Man with No Name trilogy.

[1:04:05] Wow.

[1:04:06] In which Lee Van Cleef is a heroic character, unlike his character of Angel Eyes in the third movie, The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.

[1:04:14] And he wants revenge against the villain in it for the killing of his sister, I believe it was.

[1:04:20] And there's a great showdown where they're going to fire their guns at each other when a song stops playing from a, you know, watch that plays this.

[1:04:28] Or it's either a watch or a music box.

[1:04:30] Anyway, it's a movie that I think a lot of people don't see.

[1:04:33] They skip straight from, for a fistful of dollars, straight to The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.

[1:04:38] Take some time to re-watch for a few dollars more.

[1:04:40] I think you'll enjoy it.

[1:04:42] Do-rat?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:43] So, every once in a while here at the Flophouse, we receive things from, we receive like DVDs from listeners or from-

[1:04:53] We receive things.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:54] We receive things.

[1:04:55] Body parts.

[1:04:55] Dildos and springs and rocks.

[1:04:57] Pictures of Julie Andrews.

[1:04:59] Jelly beans and hammers and snails.

[1:05:03] The fuck is this a Harry Potter spell?

[1:05:06] You know, lint rollers and jet turbines and blue whales and quarks.

[1:05:11] Tire jacks.

[1:05:13] Jax that you play Jax with.

[1:05:15] Autographed pictures of Brent Spiner and armadillos and peepods.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:20] Darmadillos.

[1:05:20] That's an armadillo with a painting of Dharma and Greg on its side.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:24] Darmadillo and Greg.

[1:05:25] It was taken off the air and retooled because nobody wanted to see a show about a man who marries an armadillo.

[1:05:33] So, every once in a while-

[1:05:35] The pirate also ended up cooking and eating Darmadillo.

[1:05:38] He was just so curious about what this animal tasted like.

[1:05:41] Sure.

[1:05:42] Sure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:43] After having tasted-

[1:05:43] Okay.

[1:05:45] After having tasted human flesh.

[1:05:47] It was a very different show.

[1:05:49] So, every once in a while, we receive stuff from listeners and sometimes we even get stuff from-

[1:05:54] Christmas trees and bags of fleas.

[1:05:57] Sometimes we also get DVDs from-

[1:06:00] Sometimes even DVDs.

[1:06:01] I guess production companies.

[1:06:01] Sometimes we get these DVD collections.

[1:06:07] Anytime it's like Busty Babes or something.

[1:06:10] Twice or something.

[1:06:10] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:11] Well, if anyone wants to send us DVDs that you've made-

Dan McCoy

[1:06:14] If anyone wants to send us anything.

[1:06:15] Well, I mean, not anything.

[1:06:16] Anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:18] Dust bunnies.

[1:06:19] Dust bunnies.

[1:06:20] Amplifiers.

[1:06:20] Wait, people can make that?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:22] That's terrifying.

[1:06:23] Yeah.

[1:06:23] Don't send us anything deadly.

[1:06:26] We send us anthrax albums.

[1:06:27] Sure.

[1:06:27] But in this case, I'm going to talk about something deadly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:30] Dan, normally if it's something that's like Bimbo Babes or something like a DVD collection,

[1:06:36] Dan keeps that.

[1:06:37] We don't get that.

[1:06:37] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06:38] He doesn't even tell us about it.

[1:06:39] He passed along a DVD collection that was called Explosive Action.

[1:06:44] And a week or two ago, I popped it in and just picked a movie at random to watch.

[1:06:49] It was called Boob Splosion.

[1:06:50] And it was called Nine Deaths of the Ninja.

[1:06:56] It's about a two-man anti-terrorist squad played by-

[1:07:01] Their characters are Spike Shinobi, who plays a ninja-

[1:07:06] Some kind of samurai dog.

[1:07:07] He's like the ninja character who has a bandolier of, I guess, like blow pops.

[1:07:15] Oh.

[1:07:15] That he sucks on after he's done defeating his enemies.

[1:07:18] And then he gives to the children that inevitably show up after one of these ninja battles is done.

[1:07:24] And then he has his American cohort, Steve Gordon, who is like a total ladies' man in a stallion.

[1:07:33] Now, this movie is totally worth watching the whole way through.

[1:07:37] But specifically, it's worth watching because it has this opening credit sequence where it's like they wanted to make a James Bond style opening with naked ladies or dancing ladies and a little bit of violence.

[1:07:51] So they have the guy who plays Spike Shinobi practice his samurai sword kata next to a bunch of women who are doing synchronized dancing.

[1:08:02] And there's smoke.

[1:08:03] And there's smoke.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:03] But it looks like he's very close to cutting them.

[1:08:06] Like it's like they just did it all on the same soundstage.

[1:08:09] So that's totally worth watching.

[1:08:12] Yeah.

[1:08:12] So check it out.

[1:08:13] Nine deaths of the ninja.

[1:08:14] There's like a great like foe.

[1:08:17] Dr. Strangelove style villain.

[1:08:20] So it's super great.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:21] So a ninja has the same number of deaths as a cat.

[1:08:23] Exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:25] I think it's I think it's part of a big series of ninja movies.

[1:08:28] But.

[1:08:30] Ninja goes to Harlem.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:33] Yeah.

[1:08:33] Ninja.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:34] Ninja Christmas.

[1:08:36] Yeah.

[1:08:36] Ninja summer camp.

[1:08:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:38] Ninjas everywhere.

[1:08:39] Ninjas everywhere.

[1:08:40] All over the blood.

[1:08:41] Ninja on the moon.

[1:08:44] Three ninjas.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:45] Yeah.

[1:08:46] Three ninjas and a baby.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:47] Starring Julie Andrews.

[1:08:49] She could be all three of the ninjas.

[1:08:51] Look.

[1:08:52] The number of Julie Andrews in the movie is limited only by the number of pictures you print out and stick on your TV screen.

[1:08:59] What if when Yoda said to Luke Skywalker there is another.

[1:09:02] He meant.

[1:09:02] I guess he speaks to Obi-Wan's ghost.

[1:09:04] When he says there's another.

[1:09:05] What if he meant Julie Andrews?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:06] What if I told you that every movie could star Julie Andrews?

[1:09:10] I'd say.

[1:09:11] What would that be worth to you?

[1:09:12] Four million dollars at least.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:14] I'd say you're crazy.

[1:09:15] What?

Dan McCoy

[1:09:16] Well take that down.

[1:09:17] It's nineteen ninety five plus forty dollars shipping in anglers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:21] Wow.

[1:09:21] What are you.

[1:09:22] Are you shipping it like in an hour?

[1:09:23] What is.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:26] We pack it in diamonds.

[1:09:28] Oh wow.

[1:09:28] That's incredibly cheap then.

[1:09:31] Your kit includes.

[1:09:32] What I feed on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:34] Your kit.

[1:09:34] I guess I did immediately devalue the diamonds.

[1:09:37] Your kit includes one picture of Julie Andrews and a form for ordering more pictures of Julie Andrews.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:45] So do I recommend another movie?

[1:09:48] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:48] So walk.

[1:09:49] Don't run to your regular.

[1:09:50] Your local Julie Andrews store.

[1:09:52] I guess.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:53] This episode of the.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:54] It's called Spencer's Gifts.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:57] Was sponsored by Julie Andrews.

[1:10:00] Julie thanks for sponsoring the show.

[1:10:02] She could have danced all night on stage.

[1:10:04] Yeah.

[1:10:04] Not in the movie.

[1:10:07] But.

[1:10:08] It's another Cage Miss coming.

[1:10:09] Oh my god.

[1:10:10] This one's done.

[1:10:10] We're looking forward.

[1:10:11] I gotta say.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:12] 2015.

[1:10:13] Now I understand why people say the holiday is the most stressful time of the year.

[1:10:15] Yeah.

[1:10:16] I really were.

[1:10:16] I was really looking forward to Cage Miss and yet all I got was heartbreak.

[1:10:20] Exhaustion.

[1:10:21] And some Cheez-It crumbs in my pants.

[1:10:22] Yeah.

[1:10:23] We're gathered together.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:25] Three of us.

[1:10:25] Loved ones.

[1:10:26] Gathered together.

[1:10:27] We're not doing this for a while.

[1:10:28] Right?

[1:10:28] At each other's throats.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:30] That's the thing.

[1:10:30] Three wise men.

[1:10:32] Following a star.

[1:10:33] And that star.

[1:10:34] Nicolas Cage.

[1:10:36] And what did we find?

[1:10:38] But a baby.

[1:10:39] In a manger.

[1:10:41] A baby goat.

[1:10:42] What?

[1:10:43] They call them kids.

[1:10:47] Okay.

[1:10:48] A Harmony Corrine film.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:54] So we've clearly all gone crazy.

[1:10:58] It's late.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:00] It's late in the year.

[1:11:01] Julie Andrews should kiss each of us goodnight and tuck us in and sing us a song.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:06] We're deep in the winter months.

[1:11:08] It's the solstice.

[1:11:09] We're going crazy from lack of sun.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:13] I mean, I just got back from sun.

[1:11:15] So I'm not crazy at all.

[1:11:17] I have a sun.

[1:11:18] I see him all the time.

[1:11:18] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:21] Did you forget your own name?

[1:11:24] Is that how far gone we are?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:26] For the Flop House, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:11:31] I've been Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:33] And I'm Julie Andrews.

[1:11:35] Goodnight.

[1:11:36] Goodnight.

[1:11:37] We're sorry.

[1:11:43] So when we start this thing off, the first thing we should do is say, on tonight's episode,

[1:11:51] we talk about a movie called...

[1:11:53] Something like that.

[1:11:56] Not the Carrie 2.

[1:11:58] Yeah, we should do it totally cool balls like you just did.

[1:12:01] But not like wacky balls.

[1:12:03] Or mad balls.

[1:12:05] The enemies of the boglins.

[1:12:07] The natural prey.

[1:12:10] The boglin.

[1:12:12] That's the thing.

[1:12:13] Kids like balls, Dan.

[1:12:14] And they love boglins.

[1:12:16] And if you slap a face on that ball, it's like a license to print money.

[1:12:20] Or like a fucking coosh or something.

[1:12:23] What, like a face on a coosh ball?

[1:12:24] You coosh that ball up.

[1:12:27] Can we coosh this ball up by 80%?

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:29] That's unprecedented.

[1:12:34] There's no president.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:35] We're going to have to talk to the CFO on this one.

Episode #168 - Rage

Chapters

Transcript

In this episode

Description