Episode #169 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles LIVE

Dan McCoy

[0:00] The following show is taped live at the Bell House in Brooklyn on January 9th, 2015.

[0:07] Is this your, this is, yeah, that's mine.

[0:09] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:10] This is the exciting part.

[0:12] Oh, that's the song.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:46] I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:51] Is that Elliot Kalin over there?

[0:53] I think it is, yeah.

[0:57] Guys, guys.

[0:58] Dan, you got a lot of people in your living room.

Dan McCoy

[0:59] Yeah, what are all these people doing in my apartment?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02] It's creeping me out a little bit.

[1:03] As the fire warden for your apartment, I have to bring you up on charges.

[1:08] All right, well.

[1:09] Of being too handsome.

[1:12] Thank you.

[1:13] And heating up the place.

Dan McCoy

[1:15] Thank you so much.

[1:16] It's a felony level offense.

Elliott Kalan

[1:17] Yes.

[1:18] I'm going to send you the chair.

[1:21] Like the Scolari brothers?

[1:22] I sent him to the chair.

[1:25] It's me, Judge What's-His-Name from Ghostbusters 2.

[1:29] Secret of the Ooze.

[1:30] Is that?

[1:31] There is ooze in that movie.

Dan McCoy

[1:33] Is this his late night television infomercial?

[1:37] It's me, the judge from Ghostbusters 2.

Elliott Kalan

[1:40] I sent a lot of people to the chair, so I know a thing or two about chairs.

[1:45] And what I know is this is the best chair money can buy.

Stuart Wellington

[1:49] It's a weird thing to sell in a late night infomercial.

Elliott Kalan

[1:53] I mean, it's a special chair.

Dan McCoy

[1:56] Elliot, I'll ask this of you.

[1:58] Why is this night different from all other nights?

[2:02] I can't help but feel that's somehow racist.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] But I will answer.

[2:06] It's explicitly racist.

[2:08] Yeah, thank you.

[2:09] On all other nights, the Flophouse is recorded in Dan's sad apartment.

[2:14] Yeah.

[2:15] None to watch but an angry cat.

[2:18] And God.

[2:19] But now, a live studio audience.

[2:22] Tonight, the Flophouse is recorded before a live studio audience.

[2:27] At the Bell House.

[2:30] In beautiful Gowanus, Brooklyn.

[2:32] Gowanus, Brooklyn.

[2:33] I want to live in an abandoned warehouse.

[2:36] But that might smell too good.

Dan McCoy

[2:37] But is it next to a Superfund site?

[2:41] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] How much cleaning up does the government have to do?

[2:48] There's a Whole Foods.

[2:50] Okay, I guess that makes up for it.

[2:53] Well, I guess problem solved.

[2:55] You mark my words.

[2:56] Someday that lettuce is going to grow arms and start choking people.

[2:59] Now that's a movie.

[3:02] It's called Lettuce Chokers.

[3:05] That sounds like they're choking the lettuce.

[3:07] Yeah.

[3:08] Guys, we're going to have to redevelop this whole idea.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] So, no, this is wonderful.

[3:13] It's a sellout crowd.

[3:15] I'm not saying you're all sellouts.

[3:17] Although some of you probably are.

[3:19] Probably.

Elliott Kalan

[3:19] And we're here as part of the New York City Podfest podcast festival Festcast.

[3:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[3:26] Sponsored by Charmin.

[3:30] Charmin.

[3:30] Wait, whoa.

[3:31] The softest thing you can put on your butt.

Elliott Kalan

[3:35] One, I don't think that's true.

[3:37] Yeah, I'm sure.

[3:38] If you took like a chinchilla, like a live chinchilla.

[3:41] If you strapped a live chinchilla to your butt that's softer and two, why are you throwing

[3:44] Charmin all this free promotion?

Dan McCoy

[3:47] I don't know.

[3:48] Maybe after the fact.

[3:48] I mean, chinchillas are paying us to promote them.

[3:52] That's right.

[3:53] It's a backdoor promotion for chinchillas.

[3:56] Hey, backdoor promotion for Charmin.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] So, why are we here?

[4:04] He said it.

[4:06] So, anyway, we're here to do a regular episode of the podcast just with a lot of people listening.

[4:10] So, what do we do on this podcast?

[4:11] Loving and laughing.

[4:12] Living and learning.

Dan McCoy

[4:14] Yeah.

[4:14] Thank you, Neil Simon, for teaching us to laugh about love.

[4:18] Yet again.

Stuart Wellington

[4:19] So, is this the point of the podcast where you start to regret having Elliot with a microphone

[4:24] in front of an audience?

[4:25] No.

Dan McCoy

[4:25] No.

[4:26] Dear Lord, no.

[4:28] I know that if I fail, as I inevitably will, he'll jump in.

[4:31] Just wind him up.

[4:32] With a bunch of nonsense.

Elliott Kalan

[4:34] Nonsense is my specialty, which is also the name of my detective show.

Dan McCoy

[4:41] A lady walked in with gams that would not quit, and I said, teddy bear, bookcase, rug.

Elliott Kalan

[4:48] I'm not having a stroke.

[4:50] My nonsense is in sentences.

[4:53] Yeah.

[4:55] A dame walked in who had gams from here to hay there.

[5:00] She told me her story, and I told her another story.

[5:02] Not so much a story as a monologue that I made up as I went along.

[5:06] She left partway through, but I kept going.

[5:10] My receptionist, Thelma, was the only one who ever understood me.

[5:15] And boy, did she understand.

[5:16] She had a degree in understanding.

[5:18] And boy, could she stand.

[5:19] She had gams from here up to hay there.

Dan McCoy

[5:22] How do you make money in this detective?

[5:24] Detective agency, by the way.

[5:26] I'm broke.

[5:27] Okay.

[5:29] You just have someone standing behind the door to hit people on the head with bottles when

[5:33] they come in, and you rifle through their purse and take their money.

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] Wow.

[5:36] Yeah, give away my secret, Dan.

[5:38] Thanks.

Dan McCoy

[5:39] I thought this was an infomercial about how you can make money at home.

Elliott Kalan

[5:42] Yeah.

[5:43] Make money at home by opening a detective's agency.

[5:45] Like a home office?

[5:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[5:47] You have a secretary in your home?

[5:49] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] Well, secretary, dog.

[5:51] I mean, it's, you know.

[5:52] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[5:53] This is primarily a detective podcast.

[5:55] Yes.

[5:56] But secondarily.

[5:57] It's called The Flop Clues.

[5:58] Yeah.

[5:59] It's a podcast.

[6:00] What do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[6:02] We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[6:04] Okay.

[6:05] And we, to try and make this as normal as possible for us, since we're not used to doing this

[6:11] in front of an audience, we actually, just down the street, watched a movie right before

[6:16] we came here.

[6:17] In an abandoned warehouse.

[6:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[6:19] That had been turned into like a skate hangout for the kids.

[6:22] Those kids?

[6:23] Members of the Foot Clan.

[6:24] Oh, shit.

[6:25] Because what movie did we watch, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[6:26] We watched a little movie called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[6:30] Not the old one.

[6:32] Not the one with the...

[6:33] Not the cartoon?

[6:34] No.

[6:34] I mean, it's kind of a cartoon.

Elliott Kalan

[6:35] Not the one from the 50s, Dan?

[6:38] With Glenn Ford as Donatello?

[6:42] We didn't watch the old one?

Dan McCoy

[6:44] We didn't watch the one with the Jim Henson creature shop.

[6:49] Jim Henson, yeah.

[6:51] Jim Henson's henchman.

Elliott Kalan

[6:52] I'd like to point out...

[6:53] Jim Henson.

Dan McCoy

[6:54] I would like to point out how clearly I've spoken for the rest of the night so far.

[6:58] I'm impressed.

Elliott Kalan

[6:59] Look, I've been waiting this long to make fun of a mispronunciation from you.

[7:03] No, this is...

[7:04] So, this is the new one.

[7:05] This is the new one.

[7:05] It came out this year, and by this year I mean last year, because I forgot for a second

[7:08] it's 2015.

Dan McCoy

[7:09] Produced by Michael Bay, not directed by Michael Bay.

Elliott Kalan

[7:12] But you wouldn't know that to watch it.

Dan McCoy

[7:15] Directed by a guy who...

[7:17] What did he make?

[7:17] He made the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A New Beginning.

[7:20] He made Darkness Falls.

[7:21] There were some newer ones.

[7:23] That L.A. movie about aliens.

[7:26] Yes.

[7:26] Battle L.A.?

[7:27] Yeah.

[7:27] Battle of the Year L.A.?

[7:29] Mm-hmm.

[7:31] He had a name that sounded like John Lieberman, but wasn't.

Elliott Kalan

[7:34] His name was Jonathan Liebesman.

[7:35] Okay.

[7:37] Liebesman?

[7:37] Love man, I guess is what he means in German.

Dan McCoy

[7:40] But it started...

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] So he's made a lot of movies is what you're saying.

Dan McCoy

[7:43] Yeah.

[7:43] It started a bunch of turtles and Megan Fox.

[7:45] A real...

Elliott Kalan

[7:45] A bunch of turtles.

[7:47] So you made it sound like...

[7:48] Four of them.

[7:48] You made it sound like it's Megan Fox with a shoebox full of turtles.

[7:52] And she just shakes it at bad guys.

Dan McCoy

[7:56] Does this do anything?

[7:58] Yeah.

[7:58] Huh?

[7:59] And it kind of weirds me out.

[8:01] I freaked out.

[8:02] So this movie flashes us back to a time when the biggest danger that America was facing

[8:07] was ninjas.

Elliott Kalan

[8:08] Yeah.

[8:09] We all remember the 1980s until Giuliani came in and cleaned the city of ninjas.

Dan McCoy

[8:14] There was a...

Stuart Wellington

[8:15] The broken ninjas theory?

[8:17] Yeah.

[8:17] The broken ninjas theory, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:19] American ninja.

[8:21] There was the three ninjas who were kicking back.

[8:23] They're actually kicking back against crime.

[8:24] Yeah, yeah.

[8:25] I mean, most of the crime was probably ninjas, right?

Stuart Wellington

[8:28] Wait, what?

[8:28] The three ninjas movies were the other bad guys ninjas?

[8:31] I didn't watch them.

[8:32] They might have been mummies.

Elliott Kalan

[8:33] What about the bad guys and sidekicks?

[8:35] You gotta fight ninjas with ninjas.

[8:36] The bad guys and sidekicks are karate guys, but they're not ninjas.

[8:39] Okay.

[8:40] They have honor still, unlike ninjas who are soulless assassins.

[8:44] Who do not live a life of honor, but instead creep through the shadows rather than facing

[8:48] their opponents in open warfare, as Bushido demands.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] I feel like you're tempting me to talk about samurais or something.

[8:58] Kind of.

Elliott Kalan

[8:58] Or samurais.

[9:00] Thank you.

[9:01] That's what I wanted.

[9:02] Should we talk about what this movie is about, Dan?

[9:03] Let's talk about it.

[9:04] I mean, the title kind of tells you most of what you need to know.

[9:07] There's some ninja turtles in it.

[9:08] Are they natural?

[9:09] They're mutants.

[9:10] What age are they?

[9:11] Well, it's kind of like boyhood.

[9:12] They're teenagers.

[9:14] And here's the thing.

[9:15] This movie was surprisingly like boyhood in that we saw a lot of these turtles growing

[9:19] up.

[9:19] So, and having an abusive drunk dad.

[9:26] It's boyhood.

[9:27] Spoiler alert.

[9:27] The movie came out already.

Dan McCoy

[9:29] Anyway.

[9:30] Spoiler alert for the worst part of boyhood.

Elliott Kalan

[9:33] Skip over.

[9:33] Spoiler alert.

[9:34] The kid gets older.

[9:35] Anyway.

[9:35] So.

[9:38] I wish that movie had, he had shot it for 12 years with the same cast, but he had shot

[9:43] a scene with the kid when he was young to go to the end where the kid wakes up and goes,

[9:47] I'm still a kid.

[9:48] It was all a beautiful dream.

[9:53] And then it says, the end, question mark.

[9:56] And then it says, boy will return in boyhood 2.

[10:00] Boyhoods last forever.

[10:02] Not like manhood.

[10:03] I thought manhood would be the obvious.

[10:05] Manhood sounds kind of creepy.

[10:06] It's like a movie about a penis.

[10:08] Not what I say.

[10:09] I spent 12 years shooting with the same penis every weekend.

Dan McCoy

[10:13] I've been doing this.

[10:14] I've been doing this porn movie for 12 years.

[10:17] Everyone ages terribly.

[10:20] Watching as a penis ages from a beautiful specimen of a penis to a droopy set of penis and testicles.

Elliott Kalan

[10:27] I mean, I was impressed by the technical skill that it took to shoot the same sex scene over

[10:32] 12 years.

[10:33] So they aged naturally throughout the scene, but ultimately it was kind of a gimmick, you

Dan McCoy

[10:37] know?

[10:37] Yeah.

[10:38] So this movie was called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[10:41] There were no sex scenes in it.

[10:43] No.

[10:43] Although Michelangelo really hit on Megan Fox a lot.

[10:47] A lot.

[10:48] A lot.

Elliott Kalan

[10:48] And at the end of the movie, she's kind of into it.

Dan McCoy

[10:50] I mean, she seems as into it as, let's say, Leah Thompson ever seems to be into Howard

[10:55] the Duck.

Stuart Wellington

[10:56] Yeah.

[10:56] They take a bath together, don't they?

[10:58] Yeah, they totally do it.

[10:59] Do they?

[11:00] She pulls out that duck condom.

[11:01] No, she, like, well, he's asleep at the time.

[11:03] And then probably applies it and then has sex with him.

Dan McCoy

[11:06] She's asleep at the time.

[11:07] She looks through his wallet.

[11:07] Okay, somebody write a letter in it.

[11:08] She pulls out the duck condom and she goes, oh, Howard.

Elliott Kalan

[11:10] Somebody get George Lucas on the phone.

Dan McCoy

[11:12] We got a Howard the Duck question to ask.

Elliott Kalan

[11:14] Or if you have a Ouija board, Steve Gerber has to be.

[11:16] I mean, they totally had sex in the comics.

Stuart Wellington

[11:19] Yeah, well, as you were saying, in the movie, it seems to make more sense for her to have

[11:23] sex with Michelangelo the Turtle Man than Will Arnett the Human Man.

Elliott Kalan

[11:28] The Human Man who is also hitting on her.

[11:30] Now, let's explain what this movie is about.

[11:32] The movie opens with our favorite thing, a prologue that explains everything you're about

[11:35] to see in the movie.

[11:36] It seems the concept of Ninja Turtles who live in the sewer and have a rat for a dad was too

[11:41] complicated for us to figure out on our own.

[11:43] So there's a kind of Sin City animated section of Tsukiyaki Django prologue where they explain

[11:52] that, basically.

Dan McCoy

[11:53] Yeah, it was like an Icebox.com level of Flash animation being like Ninja Turtles.

Elliott Kalan

[11:58] Like an early Adult Swim type of level animation.

[12:00] Yeah, exactly.

[12:01] But then we get into the meat of the story.

[12:03] The turtle meat, that is.

[12:05] Have I eaten turtle meat?

[12:06] Yes, delicious.

[12:07] Anyway, so, not mutants, though.

[12:09] Gross, but I kind of...

[12:10] Sure.

[12:11] Is that cannibalism?

[12:12] Technically a different species.

[12:13] He can't mate with April O'Neil.

[12:14] Anyway, continuing.

[12:16] April O'Neil, Megan Fox.

[12:18] She works for Channel 6 News, and she is investigating the crime wave caused by the Foot Clan.

[12:24] Now, even though they're a shadowy clan of ninjas...

[12:27] Everybody knows about them.

Dan McCoy

[12:29] Everyone's heard about them.

[12:30] Everyone's like, oh, this wave of ninjas.

Elliott Kalan

[12:32] They're all like, this Foot Clan is making too much crime.

[12:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:36] Thanks, de Blasio.

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] That's what it is.

[12:40] When that socialist got into office, suddenly the old ninjas came back.

[12:44] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:44] We've got to start stopping and frisking these ninjas for nunchucks.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] I've got to say, if a ninja was walking down the street, that's kind of...

Dan McCoy

[12:52] That's just cause for police ministers.

Elliott Kalan

[12:54] Sure.

[12:54] He's probably got a probable cause.

[12:55] He's also a terrible ninja at that point.

[12:57] Yeah, well...

[12:58] Or he's so good.

Stuart Wellington

[12:59] What he's probably doing is he's probably trying to direct the police's attention away from

[13:02] the ninjas creeping up on him.

[13:04] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:04] Because let me tell you, a ninja who is confident enough to walk down the street in broad daylight

[13:07] is the best ninja in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[13:09] Exactly.

[13:10] If you can see one ninja, there's like a hundred more ninjas hidden.

Elliott Kalan

[13:13] As any Frank Miller comic book has taught us, yeah.

[13:16] And all those ninjas are going to jump at you all at once while shooting arrows at you,

[13:19] none of which will hit you.

[13:21] Of course not.

[13:22] But here's the thing with ninjas.

[13:23] We're all aware of this.

[13:24] I'm not the first one to point it out.

[13:25] We all know ninjas.

[13:26] The strength of ninjas decreases with each added ninja.

[13:29] One ninja will kill you.

[13:32] A hundred ninjas, pretty easy to fight.

[13:35] You can get away from them easy.

[13:37] Partly because they all wait their turn while each one fights you.

[13:40] But anyway, so the foot have, they commit a lot of crime down at the docks.

[13:44] That's where crime happens.

[13:45] And also where, unfortunately, the city's shipping has been falling since the 1950s.

[13:50] Once a vital part of the metropolitan economy, shipping and transit, manufacturing in general,

Dan McCoy

[13:55] no longer a part of New York's regular work.

[13:57] This is The Wire.

[13:58] This is the portrait of how institutions have failed this city.

Elliott Kalan

[14:02] While I was watching season two of The Wire, I was like, where are the ninjas and the turtles?

[14:08] Enough of this corrupt union.

[14:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:11] Get some ninja turtles in here.

[14:12] Get Amy Ryan to befriend four turtles.

[14:16] What if Amy Ryan had been April O'Neil?

[14:18] I would have loved this movie.

Dan McCoy

[14:23] That was more enthusiastic than thought.

Elliott Kalan

[14:25] So we're about one minute into the movie.

[14:26] So anyway, April O'Neil is obsessed with these crimes.

[14:30] She's trying to investigate them, but she's having trouble because she's like the goofy

[14:33] light story reporter at Channel 6 News.

[14:35] The only story we see her professionally cover involves some sort of Union Square area trampoline

[14:40] contest.

[14:41] Yeah, a lot of trampolines.

[14:41] It might be Madison Square.

[14:43] It might be Madison Square.

[14:43] The whole movie was shot in Quebec, so it doesn't really matter.

[14:47] She just jumps on a trampoline a lot.

[14:48] And I guess if your reporter was Megan Fox, you probably would send her out to cover the

[14:52] jumping on a trampoline story.

Dan McCoy

[14:53] Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess, yeah, she's on the man.

[14:56] Man show beat, I guess.

[14:58] Yeah, that's, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[14:58] And she, her cameraman is Will Arnett as, and I did not realize this until the last minute

[15:04] of the movie, Fenwick the cameraman from the Ninja Turtles cartoon.

[15:07] So it makes me wonder, where's Irma?

Dan McCoy

[15:10] I don't know anything about the Ninja Turtles.

Elliott Kalan

[15:13] And Baxter Stockman mentioned in the credits, where's he?

[15:15] And is he a single Mouser or a fly man?

[15:17] Yeah.

[15:18] There were no Leatherheads or Bebops.

[15:22] Not a single Mumra?

[15:23] Was that a Ninja Turtles character?

[15:25] Probably, yeah.

[15:26] There were no Battletoads, nor were there any adolescent black belt radioactive hamsters.

[15:29] What about Cowboys?

[15:30] No Gargamel.

[15:31] No Cowboys of Moo Mesa or any other mesa.

[15:33] And Biker Mice, neither from Mars nor Terran.

[15:38] There were a lot of rip-offs to the Ninja Turtles.

[15:40] Oh, sure.

[15:41] Take an animal, make them do human stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[15:44] I'm surprised you haven't talked about the street sharks.

Elliott Kalan

[15:46] Oh, that's true.

[15:47] There was the street sharks.

[15:48] Thank you.

[15:50] Is that all you had to say about them?

Stuart Wellington

[15:53] No.

[15:53] Yeah, pretty much.

[15:54] I mean...

[15:55] No capital critters.

Elliott Kalan

[15:59] Capital critters, right?

[15:59] No, no, no, no, and no.

Stuart Wellington

[16:01] What about the wuzzles?

[16:02] Were the wuzzles one of those?

[16:04] Could you have sex with a wuzzle, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[16:06] Well, the wuzzle is two species put together, so they're already breaking the laws of mating.

[16:11] And New York, so that's...

[16:13] Anyway, April is obsessed with this ninja crime story.

[16:16] She's trying to cover it, and one night while wandering the Brooklyn, probably Gowanus area,

[16:20] she sees a bunch of ninjas stealing something from a shipping container, and an unseen vigilante

[16:25] starts throwing shipping containers around and just hurling them at these ninjas who haul tail out of that area.

Dan McCoy

[16:32] And like any good reporter, she uses her shitty phone to try and get some footage of it.

[16:37] To take a blurry picture.

[16:38] Yeah.

[16:39] To take a blurry picture of someone running away and...

[16:42] Someone or something, Dan.

[16:44] Yeah.

[16:44] Because he's a turtle man.

[16:46] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[16:46] Anyway, she then goes to...

[16:48] Nobody believes her that the Foot Clan are being attacked by vigilantes.

Dan McCoy

[16:50] Well, specifically, Whoopi Goldberg doesn't believe her.

[16:51] Who plays her boss.

Elliott Kalan

[16:53] And the whole movie, I'm like...

Stuart Wellington

[16:53] She's not nobody, Elliot.

[16:55] She used to be a big star.

[16:56] I'm sorry.

[16:57] She played God in a little bit of heaven.

[16:59] She was Guy-nan.

Elliott Kalan

[17:04] Thank you.

[17:05] The whole time, I kept being like, dude, you were partnered up as cops with a talking dinosaur.

[17:10] Do not...

[17:11] You, if anyone's going to believe this Ninja Turtle story, it is you.

[17:14] Whoopsy Goldberg.

[17:15] She put that all behind her, Elliot.

[17:18] I was about to say Whoopi Goldman.

[17:19] And I thought, what if Whoopi Goldman and William Goldman were married?

[17:24] And he was like, tonight for movie night, why don't we watch Butch Cassidy?

[17:27] And she's like, why don't we watch Fletch?

[17:29] And they just would have their own movies that they wanted to show the other all the time.

Dan McCoy

[17:32] Whoopi Goldberg isn't in Fletch?

Elliott Kalan

[17:35] Uh, sure she is in my version of it.

[17:36] Anyway, I was thinking of, uh, I was thinking of Jumping Jack Flash.

[17:40] Okay, yeah, sure.

[17:40] Or Jumping Jack Fletch, the crossover.

[17:43] In which Whoopi Goldberg and Chevy Chase are in a Jumping Jacks competition.

[17:47] Only one can win and the other will die.

[17:51] So anyway, uh, Megan Fox is also, her dad was a scientist who worked at a company called TGRI

[17:59] with fellow scientist Eric Sachs.

[18:01] Played, of course, by...

[18:02] William Thichner?

[18:04] The man who screams, I'm the villain of the movie.

[18:08] Not since Max von Sydow appeared in the opening of Minority Report

[18:11] has it been so obvious who the villain is.

[18:14] Because when you cast a man whose face looks like a lizard man...

[18:18] Great actor.

Dan McCoy

[18:20] Oh, yeah.

[18:21] Face like a lizard.

[18:22] Elevates everything he's in.

[18:24] Elevates?

[18:25] He adds olives to it?

[18:26] Villains.

[18:27] Yeah.

[18:27] He's big on the Mediterranean diet.

[18:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:30] So anyway, it's clear he's the villain.

[18:32] But anyway, Shredder, someone we haven't seen, we just see him in Shadow at this point,

[18:38] in order to draw out the mysterious vigilantes...

Stuart Wellington

[18:40] At this point, just a bald ninja man.

[18:43] Yeah.

[18:43] Right?

[18:43] Who is very...

[18:44] Who's called the Shredder for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[18:45] That's the thing.

[18:46] He doesn't have any blades yet.

[18:48] But they call him the Shredder, and I have to assume it's because of his abs.

[18:52] Sure.

[18:54] That he has like a workout routine called the Shredder.

[18:57] He's like, are you mad with your abs?

[19:00] Want a six-pack?

[19:01] An eight-pack?

[19:02] Use the Shredder workout.

[19:04] Where is he from?

[19:06] Probably like Venice Beach.

[19:07] Oh, okay.

[19:08] And the movie is from Japan, but he's from that part of Japan where he sometimes speaks

[19:12] Japanese and sometimes English.

[19:13] Okay.

[19:14] And at one point he says, tonight I dine on turtle soup, but he says it, turtle soup-u.

[19:19] So it's like, do not tell me that the Japanese words for turtle soup are turtle soup with the

[19:25] Japanese accent.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] Yeah, they don't have a word for soup in their language.

Elliott Kalan

[19:29] How does Japan not have a native word for soup?

[19:32] If it was like videotape, okay, maybe.

[19:36] Turtles and soup, they have those.

[19:39] Their rivers are infested with turtle spirits with bowls of liquid on their head, and if they

Dan McCoy

[19:43] bow, the liquid comes out and you can escape.

Elliott Kalan

[19:46] Kappas.

[19:46] Thank you.

[19:48] You know, like the frats, kappas.

[19:50] Anyway, so Shredder tries to draw out the Ninja Turtles by taking hostage a bunch of

[19:55] people at a subway station.

[19:57] Megan Fox is there, because why not?

[19:58] It's a movie.

[19:59] The turtles show up, save the day, but then run away.

[20:02] Megan Fox chases them to a rooftop, takes a picture of them.

[20:06] Uh-oh.

[20:08] They try to intimidate her.

[20:10] Once again, she is left with, they delete the picture.

[20:13] She's left with no evidence, but we get a quick glance at the personalities of our four

[20:16] heroes.

[20:17] Stuart, what are their names?

[20:18] What are they like?

Stuart Wellington

[20:18] Well, there's Michelangelo.

[20:20] He's a party dude.

[20:21] There's Raphael.

[20:22] He's cool, but rude.

[20:25] There's Donatello.

[20:26] He does machines, and I think there's another boring one.

[20:30] I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[20:31] You son of a bitch.

[20:32] You goddamn son of a bitch.

Elliott Kalan

[20:35] McCoy the Turtle?

[20:36] You motherfucker.

[20:37] Yeah, like Blue Turtle, I think they called him.

[20:38] It's like, I think they called him Boro.

[20:42] Boro the lame guy.

[20:44] Anyway, Leonardo, he's the leader of the group.

[20:46] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[20:47] So this is when we realized that they're not just awesome superheroes.

[20:50] They're also teenagers with cool personalities.

Elliott Kalan

[20:52] And they act like teenagers.

[20:53] And I will say one thing.

Stuart Wellington

[20:54] And this is a scene where the camera just starts spinning all over the place.

Elliott Kalan

[20:57] It is like they just taped that camera to a Roomba or a quadcopter.

[21:02] They got a lazy Susan in there, you know?

Dan McCoy

[21:05] Just spinning around.

Elliott Kalan

[21:06] They just strapped that thing to a cat's head, taped that cat to a bat, and just let it do

[21:12] its work.

Dan McCoy

[21:13] They saw the prom scene from Carrie, and they're like, oh, this is how movies are made.

[21:17] It's always just spinning.

[21:19] It's all spinning.

[21:20] Spin that movie.

Stuart Wellington

[21:20] It felt like the opening of Irreversible.

[21:22] I had to look away so I didn't get motion sick.

Elliott Kalan

[21:26] Wow.

[21:26] All right.

[21:27] That brought everybody down.

[21:29] Anyway, but they act like real teenagers, which is to say the turtles are irritating.

[21:35] Let's cut to the chase.

[21:37] April and O'Neil tries to convince Whoopsy Goldberg one more time that the turtles are real.

[21:43] She is fired for her efforts, and at home, she realizes that, hey, wait a minute.

[21:48] Her dad, when he was a scientist before he died in a mysterious lab fire, was working

[21:53] on some kind of serum he was injecting into four turtles as a little girl she used to feed

[21:58] pizza to and named Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, and Donatello.

[22:02] And there was also a rat, I think, in that lab.

Dan McCoy

[22:05] That's an incredible coincidence.

Elliott Kalan

[22:07] It is an incredible coincidence, Stan, only in Hollywood.

[22:10] And real life reporters are rarely directly related to the Ninja Turtles they cover.

[22:14] In fact, in many ways, it would be unethical of her to cover this story.

[22:19] She is simply too close to the subjects.

[22:24] So the turtles track her down.

[22:28] They bring her down to the sewers.

[22:30] First, she goes to Eric Sack's estate, which is enormous.

[22:34] It is somehow a short drive from autumn New York, and yet in the snow-covered mountains.

[22:39] Yeah.

[22:40] He lives in some kind of old compound.

[22:41] He lives in Tibet, apparently.

[22:44] It's a quick drive to Tibet, where, as we'll later find out, it's nothing but vertiginous

[22:48] cliffs.

[22:50] And plenty of room for truck chasing.

[22:53] But she talks to him.

[22:54] He is very evil.

[22:55] And he reveals that he grew up in Japan, the mixed-race son, I assume mixed-race son, of

[23:00] an American GI lost in Vietnam and some woman he never mentions anything about.

[23:06] And that a mysterious ninja, I guess, led him up, taught him karate, and taught him about

[23:12] an ancient serum.

Stuart Wellington

[23:14] And he's also the first one who believes her story, right?

Elliott Kalan

[23:17] Yeah.

[23:17] Well, he seems to believe it.

[23:19] He talks to her.

[23:19] There was an ancient serum that they're trying to rediscover that was a cure for anything.

Dan McCoy

[23:24] We have moved, at this point, into the exposition portion of the film.

Elliott Kalan

[23:29] Oh, doctor.

[23:31] And I mean, doctor exposition.

[23:34] But anyway, April O'Neil is captured by the turtles.

[23:37] They take her to their sewer hideout, which, yes, does have some kind of skateboard track.

[23:42] Earlier, we've seen them be punished by Splinter for going out into public.

[23:47] And his tail is like a serpent on his butt that he can use to whip at people.

[23:51] Much like a real rat uses their tail as a bullwhip.

[23:54] And his face looks oddly phallic.

[23:57] It's like if they saw Joe Camel and they were like, I guess that's penis-ish.

[24:02] Yeah.

[24:03] Can we dick that up about 79%?

[24:06] No, no, let's hang it.

Dan McCoy

[24:07] Can we make it look real moist?

[24:08] Like real moist.

Elliott Kalan

[24:10] Let's hang a fucking gross mustache off it, please.

[24:12] Let's hang some kind of like drippy Fu Manchu mustache on that.

Dan McCoy

[24:15] He can like whip it around and just like have just like goo fly off of it.

Elliott Kalan

[24:19] Yeah.

[24:20] There's a scene where he is tempting Michelangelo with a slice of pizza that is horrifying.

[24:26] And April, who should be, who should, when confronted with this sight, there is no proper response but to vomit.

[24:32] She does not.

[24:33] She holds her lunch and she does, you know, she says, oh great, you're my turtles or whatever.

Dan McCoy

[24:37] Anyway, and they explain again.

[24:39] Hey, long time no see.

[24:40] What have you been up to?

Elliott Kalan

[24:41] Even though it was explained already in the movie, Splinter explains that she freed them from the lab during the fire because I guess this little girl was running around a lab on fire.

[24:51] Nobody knew about it.

[24:52] And freed them by setting them on a sewer grate.

[24:54] That's when the mutagen kicked in the special serum and made them man animals.

[24:59] And Splinter looking for something to use to discipline the turtles who are, not a joke, busy dancing to Hollaback Girl.

Dan McCoy

[25:07] Better yet, no, it's not just that he wants to discipline them.

[25:09] He wants, he's worried that they love teenage stuff but he knows they will never be accepted by the world out there.

[25:16] So he needs to teach them a way to protect themselves.

[25:19] He's worried about them.

Elliott Kalan

[25:20] And so he finds a book on ninjitsu, teaches himself how to be a ninja master.

[25:25] And it's super slim.

[25:26] It's like a fucking little magazine.

[25:27] It's like a brochure.

Dan McCoy

[25:28] As a ninja pamphlet.

Elliott Kalan

[25:30] It looks like the book that like you, it's like, learn to be a ninja, we'll teach you how.

[25:33] Send away for our free introductory book.

[25:36] And then they start making you pay a lot for the book about being invisible or breathing underwater and stuff like that.

[25:41] But he, it's enough in the book to teach him how to be a ninja.

[25:45] He teaches them.

[25:46] They do great.

[25:48] And the Foot Clan attacks their underwater sewer base.

[25:52] I don't remember how the ninja clan finds them.

Stuart Wellington

[25:53] I don't think you mentioned the fact that, so in the time that April has been a little girl,

[25:58] to now, which is, I don't know, maybe 15 years, maybe.

[26:02] She is, you know, she's just a young woman.

[26:04] She's gone from like 10 years ago.

[26:05] He is ancient.

[26:05] He is an ancient rat man.

Elliott Kalan

[26:07] He had, they must have been experimenting on like a 75 year old rat.

[26:11] Because in that amount of time, he's gone from a rat to an old man.

[26:14] The turtles have aged in real time.

[26:16] And I have to say, there's one, the stuff I like the best in it actually was seeing the

[26:19] young turtles.

[26:20] But there's one adorable scene where just all the baby turtles are just swaddled on a, on

[26:24] a counter.

[26:24] And Splinter's just kind of patting each of them on the head.

[26:26] As you do to a baby, because the head is the part that's best able to take a hard pat.

[26:32] Especially on a fucking turtle.

[26:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:35] So you liked it as a building's roman about these young turtles flying their way in the

[26:41] world.

[26:41] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[26:41] Those are real sorrows of young turtle.

[26:43] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[26:45] Coming of age.

[26:46] A coming of age tale.

[26:48] Yeah, it was a regular turtlehood boyhood, et cetera.

Elliott Kalan

[26:50] Anyway, Shredder and the ninjas arrive.

[26:54] By this point, we already know that Fickner is working with Shredder.

[26:57] He shows him what he calls the, and their plan is totally stupid and we'll get to it.

[27:01] But he shows him what he calls the future of warfare, which is a Shredder suit,

[27:05] with so many blades on it, I don't know how he puts it on without killing himself.

Stuart Wellington

[27:10] Well, the thing is, he never takes it off after he puts it on the first time.

[27:13] Because he's worried.

Dan McCoy

[27:15] He does everything in that.

Elliott Kalan

[27:16] One wrong step and every artery in his body is just slashed.

Dan McCoy

[27:19] I mean, he looks like Edward Scissor Everything.

[27:22] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:23] Except he has these, like, bayonet blades sticking out of him and he can shoot them as projectiles

[27:27] and then use a magnet to pull them right back to him.

[27:30] So, don't buy him new blades, I guess.

[27:32] He never loses them.

[27:33] Get him something else.

[27:34] For Christmas.

[27:35] For Christmas.

[27:37] Like blade oil?

[27:39] Yeah, yeah.

[27:39] Like something to shine him up with.

Stuart Wellington

[27:40] Yeah, sure.

[27:41] I guess I don't give him clothes or, like, really big ones?

[27:44] Just don't give him turtle wax.

Elliott Kalan

[27:46] You gotta give him a t-shirt big enough to go over the blades.

Dan McCoy

[27:49] Yeah, or buy him a book, like that Wild or something.

[27:51] You know, something that'll inspire him.

[27:52] Wild or something?

[27:53] The book about Gene Wilder or something?

[27:56] Yeah.

[27:57] Yeah.

[27:57] The book gives you a choice.

[27:59] It's Wilder or something.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] It's like that Mr. Payback or whatever it's called movie.

[28:04] Yeah, exactly.

[28:05] With the robot that you got to choose what he does.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] Choose your own thing.

[28:07] Do you want to read about Gene Wilder or do you want to read about something?

Stuart Wellington

[28:12] Yeah, it's like that Danieluski novel where you have to flip the fucking thing over to

[28:15] read it the other way.

[28:16] Sure.

[28:16] Yeah, House of Leaves.

[28:17] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:18] Anyway.

[28:19] Anyway, Shredder beats the crap out of Splinter.

[28:22] And I thought they kidnapped him, but apparently they just left him lying in the sewers.

[28:25] So you-

[28:25] But they kidnapped the Toitles to bring him back to the lab.

Stuart Wellington

[28:28] At that point, Elliot, I think you were using the restroom.

[28:30] But at this point, Shredder beats up Splinter.

[28:33] They capture three of the Ninja Turtles.

[28:35] They leave.

[28:36] They blow up the entire den.

Dan McCoy

[28:39] They think Raphael is dead.

[28:40] He's under a bunch of rubble.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] And I guess they just forget about April O'Neil.

[28:43] They just blew up a big piece of New York City infrastructure.

[28:46] Those are sewage tunnels.

[28:48] I have to assume they're not in use much because otherwise the turtles would drown regularly.

[28:51] But they get away with a lot of stuff in these ninjas.

[28:54] I believe it's one thing for ninjas to steal things at shipping docks.

[28:58] Nobody cares what happens over there.

[29:00] A can shows up with 12 dead girls in it.

[29:03] Only the wire cares.

[29:06] But if they blow up part of the sewer-

[29:09] So they set off an explosion.

[29:11] That's a Javier Bardem level villainy.

Stuart Wellington

[29:13] Well, about like two minutes later, they cut back to the den.

[29:16] There's like no damage.

[29:18] And April O'Neil and Raphael and Master Splinter are just hanging out.

Elliott Kalan

[29:21] Yeah, just playing a game.

[29:23] Playing Scrabble.

[29:23] But that's what you missed.

[29:24] Okay.

[29:25] Well, thank you for it.

[29:25] Well, they stole the turtles because this serum, this amazing magic healing serum is in the turtles' blood.

[29:31] And here's their plan.

[29:33] This ooze, if you will.

[29:34] This ooze, the secret of which is, it's in the blood.

[29:37] Talking about the family, it's in the blood.

[29:39] It's a London Beat song.

[29:40] Anyway, so nobody remembers that band.

[29:42] Anyway, so here's the thing.

[29:44] Here's their plan.

[29:45] They've got some big poison toxin.

[29:47] They're going to set it off on top of a tall building, killing much of New York.

[29:51] Then they're going to show up with a serum that happens to be the perfect antidote and be like, hey, we saved everybody.

[29:57] Give us money, please.

[29:59] Somehow that's going to give the foot control over New York.

[30:01] That part is kind of glossed over a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[30:03] I don't understand.

[30:04] It feels like maybe the CDC would take over that point and be like, I'm sorry, we're going to take your serum from you.

[30:09] The elected officials.

Elliott Kalan

[30:10] I don't know why.

[30:11] It's like there's poison.

[30:13] I guess the best ninja boss with the coolest costume becomes mayor.

[30:16] Here's your money, sir.

[30:18] It's in the city charter.

[30:19] I guess when Peter Stuyvesant founded the town and put this in, it's an old New Amsterdam law.

[30:25] It says right here, in case of emergency, ye olde bestest super suit is officially ye's mayor.

[30:34] I don't know why it's written in crappy old English.

[30:36] It's Dutch law.

Stuart Wellington

[30:37] Someone faking old English.

Elliott Kalan

[30:39] That's what I was doing.

[30:40] Anyway, the plan's brilliant.

Stuart Wellington

[30:45] So what's the foot plan going to get out of this?

[30:47] They're going to be in charge of New York.

Elliott Kalan

[30:48] They're going to be in charge of New York.

[30:49] I don't know, like health insurance.

[30:51] Sax is going to get a lot of money.

Dan McCoy

[30:53] Because Sax, of course the villain is Jewish.

[30:55] Thanks, Hollywood.

Elliott Kalan

[30:56] But anyway, we don't even see the turtles celebrating Hanukkah to balance that with a positive portrayal of a Jewish person.

[31:03] Anyway, so the turtles are getting their blood sucked out of them.

[31:08] And Raphael, April, and Will Arnett have to crash through the gates of the Sax estate.

[31:15] Because of course his secret hideout is his house.

Dan McCoy

[31:19] Again, in Iceland.

[31:21] He's like a freeze meister or something.

Elliott Kalan

[31:24] He is a freeze meister.

[31:27] Is that just a German Mr. Freeze?

[31:29] Yeah.

[31:29] They changed it to Mr. Freeze when they came to Ellis Island from the old country.

[31:32] Yeah.

[31:33] Your name is Mr. Freeze now.

[31:35] No, no.

[31:36] Ich bin Johann Friesmeister.

[31:37] Yeah, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[31:37] No, no.

[31:38] All right.

[31:38] Mr. Freeze.

[31:39] You're John Mr. Freeze.

[31:40] There you go.

Elliott Kalan

[31:41] Keep moving along.

[31:43] Welcome to America.

[31:44] Here's your starter kit.

[31:46] One little American, a flag, a bald eagle, feather, piece of American cheese, and a DVD

[31:52] copy of American History X.

[31:56] Welcome to our country.

Dan McCoy

[31:57] Vote for Boss Tweed.

[31:58] Thanks.

[32:00] My name is Shredder.

[32:01] No, your name is Sam Jones now.

[32:04] Enjoy it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:06] I'm a ninja turtle.

[32:08] You're a factory worker now, bud.

Stuart Wellington

[32:10] But I'm only a teenager.

Elliott Kalan

[32:13] That's the way we like it here.

[32:14] The working age is seven, so that's not an excuse.

[32:17] Don't go to school.

[32:18] We don't have any.

[32:20] Ralph, April, and the other guy are able to save the turtles by injecting them with a

[32:25] big canister of adrenaline that just happens to be standing nearby and is already hooked

[32:29] up to the machine.

[32:30] Just for fun, though.

[32:31] Shredder is fighting Raphael, and where Shredder had a fight on his hands with Splinter, here

[32:35] he easily bests the cocky, sarcastic Raphael, who is less sarcastic than a jerk throughout

[32:41] most of the movie.

Dan McCoy

[32:42] He's doing like a Christian Bale Batman kind of thing, more so.

Elliott Kalan

[32:46] He's yelling to McG all the time.

[32:48] What?

[32:48] McG, Shredder's in my life, McG.

Stuart Wellington

[32:51] I like your describing it as he's yelling to McG.

Dan McCoy

[32:54] That's what Christian Bale was doing.

[32:55] How dare you?

[32:56] He's yelling to someone on a different movie.

[32:58] Yeah.

[32:59] McG, what are you doing?

[33:01] Directing not this movie that way.

[33:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:04] Stop making Torque 2.

Dan McCoy

[33:06] Wait, did he make Torque 1?

[33:06] Is that what he's doing?

[33:07] He did not make Torque, no.

[33:09] Fastlane?

[33:10] That doesn't mean he can't make Torque 2.

Elliott Kalan

[33:12] There's no law against that.

[33:13] You're right.

[33:14] It's not like Johnny Torque has dibs on the sequel.

[33:16] That's right.

Dan McCoy

[33:17] There is nothing in the rule book that says that McG can't direct Torque 2.

[33:22] I'll allow it.

[33:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:24] You're right.

[33:25] Anyway, Shredder and Sacks go to release the poison because, of course, the poison that

[33:31] will kill all of New York has to be released by Shredder personally with Shredder standing

[33:36] right under the canister and Sacks a couple floors down.

Dan McCoy

[33:40] On top of a tall building out in the open where everyone can see.

Elliott Kalan

[33:43] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[33:44] Shredder has not taken off his super suit.

Elliott Kalan

[33:46] No.

[33:47] Which I would think would get in the way of using a fucking laptop.

[33:50] Well, you have to imagine him sitting in a helicopter wearing that, just bumping into everybody,

[33:54] slashing their face up and everything.

[33:56] It's sweaty.

Dan McCoy

[33:57] It's so sweaty inside that thing.

Elliott Kalan

[33:59] Oh, yeah.

[33:59] It recycles that sweat in a blade a little.

[34:01] It's very shiny, so it reflects a lot of light and heat.

Dan McCoy

[34:03] Yeah.

[34:04] Yeah, but it's metal, so it also takes it in.

Elliott Kalan

[34:07] Yeah, yeah, but it's that new metal.

[34:09] All right.

Dan McCoy

[34:12] Anyway, that doesn't get people hot.

[34:14] From Germany?

Elliott Kalan

[34:14] Yeah, it's grindcore, death horror.

[34:19] And there's some rap elements to it.

[34:21] Okay.

[34:22] They go to the building, and like every movie ever made in action movies in Hollywood,

[34:27] they're on a roof, and they've got to stop a bad guy from releasing a thing.

[34:31] Just like in Sherlock Holmes, just like in The Avengers, just like in what other recent movies?

[34:36] Amazing Spider-Man.

[34:37] Just like in Amazing Spider-Man.

Dan McCoy

[34:39] Just like in Poisoned Tall Building.

[34:42] The movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:44] Rated R.

Dan McCoy

[34:45] Is playing at it.

[34:46] What about Ghostbusters?

Elliott Kalan

[34:47] Ghostbusters.

[34:48] Ghostbusters.

[34:48] Yeah, they're on a, but I mean, that was 30 years ago.

[34:50] That was a new thing then.

[34:51] People didn't even know you could make movies on rooftops.

[34:53] Yeah.

[34:54] It's like when Akira Kurosawa makes.

[34:56] They're like, is there air up there?

[34:57] And they said, yeah, Kevin Bacon in air up there.

[35:01] The air up there.

[35:01] You know that basketball movie?

[35:03] That hasn't been made yet?

[35:04] That hasn't been made yet, but it's been in development hell for 15 years, I assume.

[35:08] Anyway, they were looking for the right star, Kevin Bacon.

[35:11] Anyway, it's like when Akira Kurosawa made Seven Samurai and his producer said, you cannot

[35:15] point a camera at the sun.

[35:17] It will melt all our eyes.

[35:19] And he says, I'm doing it.

[35:20] And he did.

[35:21] And cinema was forever and never the same again.

[35:24] Yep.

[35:25] It's just like that.

Dan McCoy

[35:26] And then years later, J.J. Abrams with lens flares.

[35:29] Yeah.

[35:30] So there you go.

[35:32] Direct line.

Elliott Kalan

[35:33] Direct line from Akira Kurosawa and Seven Samurai to J.J. Abrams lens flares.

[35:37] And for that matter, the lens flares in like Wii Sports.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] What were you saying, Stuart?

[35:42] We're just wondering where we're at in the movie.

[35:43] Almost the end.

[35:44] Almost the end.

[35:45] God, blessedly, we're very close to the end.

[35:48] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[35:50] Brian, blessedly.

[35:50] So when does Crang show up?

[35:51] Brian, blessedly.

Elliott Kalan

[35:52] Yeah, Brian, blessedly flies in with all his winged soldiers just yelling at the turtles.

[35:57] Yeah.

[35:59] Anyway, so the turtles show up as turtles are one.

[36:01] Oh, no.

[36:02] I missed the truck chase down a...

[36:04] There's a truck chase down a snowy mountain in New York State.

[36:08] I guess they drove up to Great Gorge or some shit.

[36:10] And the...

[36:12] Because the people in New York aren't even wearing jackets.

[36:15] Yeah.

[36:16] In New York City, it is either...

[36:18] If it's a winter, global warming has hit hard.

[36:21] People are just walking around in regular summer street clothes.

[36:23] Maybe a light, like a hoodie, maybe.

[36:26] Or like one of those zip-up hoodies with no hoodies.

[36:27] Or some kind of ninja suit.

[36:29] Maybe you're walking around.

[36:30] People, it is not so cold that you can't just walk around in a short-sleeved ninja costume.

[36:35] But they have this truck battle where they're jumping from trucks and trucks are crashing into trucks.

[36:39] Sliding under trucks.

[36:40] Sledding on their backs.

[36:41] Sliding under trucks.

[36:42] Sliding around trucks.

[36:43] And there are so many points in this where you are just watching polygons flying around on a screen.

[36:48] And if you're under the age of 19, you cannot even see it.

[36:52] It just...

[36:52] You cannot decode what is happening before your eyes.

Dan McCoy

[36:55] Especially if you're like us watching it, you know, digital streaming.

[37:00] So there's a lot of pixels.

[37:01] Yeah, it might as well just be pixels flying at your face.

Elliott Kalan

[37:04] Anti-aliased?

[37:05] It is heavily aliased.

[37:08] This is what it must feel like when someone is standing in front of a magic eye poster and they cannot unhook their eyes.

[37:15] And they're like, I know there's a star or a dolphin or a turtle or a rainbow in here and I cannot see it.

[37:21] I knew there were a bunch of heroes in the half shell avoiding trucks, breaking hearts, taking names and kicking ass.

[37:26] And I couldn't figure out what was going on.

[37:30] And a problem with this movie is that everything moves so fast and the turtles are so animated that it's hard to follow them even when they're just talking.

[37:38] And their voices kind of don't sound like they're coming out of their bodies.

[37:41] So it took me a long time to be like, oh, the turtles are like making jokes right now.

[37:45] Like I didn't even realize I could have trouble following the dialogue at times.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] Yeah, and that's the point that you should be excited about the movie, not the points where people are just doing exposition all day long.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] Yeah, all day long in the hot sun.

Dan McCoy

[37:57] They also don't have particularly distinctive voices.

[38:01] Johnny Knoxville is not a distinctive voice, Dan.

[38:03] I would say they're a little distinctive.

[38:05] Johnny Knoxville does Leonardo.

[38:06] Leonardo is Johnny Knoxville.

[38:08] You got Tony Shalhoub as Splinter.

[38:10] But otherwise, they neither went the way of like...

[38:13] Well, Donatello is nerdy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:14] Michelangelo is a party dude.

[38:15] Raphael is brusque.

Dan McCoy

[38:16] I get their personas.

[38:17] No, but that comes through in their voices.

[38:19] I'm just like, they neither went the direction of like getting famous people to do it or the direction of getting...

[38:25] Or getting the real turtle voices to get it.

Elliott Kalan

[38:27] Once on a cartoon show, if it's good enough for Kaneda, it's good enough for Ninja Turtles.

Dan McCoy

[38:32] Like they could have gotten genuine voice actors who are good at doing voice stuff.

[38:36] Like Drew Barrymore.

Stuart Wellington

[38:36] Hey, it's me.

[38:37] I'm Michelangelo.

[38:39] There you go.

[38:40] Cowabunga.

[38:41] Pizza time.

[38:42] Stuart, if you were doing voices.

Elliott Kalan

[38:43] So that's your Michelangelo.

[38:44] What's your Donatello?

Stuart Wellington

[38:46] It's me.

[38:47] I'm Donatello.

[38:47] I'm a nerd.

Elliott Kalan

[38:48] Okay, what's your Raphael?

[38:50] Hey, it's me, Dan McCoy.

[38:51] I said Raphael.

Dan McCoy

[38:53] I got to say, your Michelangelo sounds an awful lot like my Seabiscuit.

[38:57] Hey, it's me, your old pal Seabiscuit.

[39:00] Gotta go.

Elliott Kalan

[39:01] I'm the most popular horse there ever was.

[39:06] That would be that one horse that Caligula made a senator.

[39:10] I mean, he was very unpopular.

[39:12] No, no.

[39:13] He won those people over.

[39:16] Rome loved him by the end of it.

[39:19] But he did sound like Seabiscuit.

[39:20] I'm a senator now.

Dan McCoy

[39:23] More oats for me.

[39:25] That's what I vote for.

[39:26] Gotta go.

[39:28] I don't know why you always have to go somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[39:30] What's the thing about this?

[39:31] He's a very busy horse.

[39:33] Is he?

[39:34] Hear the voices I would have done.

[39:36] He's glad hoofing everybody.

[39:37] It's me, Leonardo.

[39:38] Hey, pizza pie.

[39:39] Raphael.

[39:40] It's me, Raphael.

[39:42] Oh.

[39:43] Donatello.

[39:44] Hey, guys.

[39:44] Me, Donatello.

[39:45] And, of course, Michelangelo.

[39:48] Well, it's me, Michelangelo.

[39:50] Someone's going to jail, old man, and it's not going to be me.

[39:54] Perfect.

[39:55] Perfect stuff.

[39:56] Madeline.

[39:57] Madeline.

[39:58] I want you to wear your hair up.

[40:00] It's a...

[40:01] The lady wants a gray suit with a rectangle neck cut.

[40:05] The Ninja Turtle certainly knows what he wants.

[40:08] I don't want to wear it, Michelangelo, but if that's the way you want me to do it, Michelangelo,

[40:13] I'll dress that way.

Dan McCoy

[40:14] Ninja Turtle's got a really psychosexual all the time.

Elliott Kalan

[40:16] Judy.

[40:17] Judy, it can't matter to you.

[40:18] It can't matter to you how you dress.

[40:21] Do it for me.

[40:22] Do it for me, Judy.

[40:23] All right, Michelangelo.

Dan McCoy

[40:25] This is a really great Bad Impressions podcast that we've done.

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] I'm just saying...

Dan McCoy

[40:30] I thought your Seabiscuit was great.

[40:32] Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] They really captured what Seabiscuit sounded like.

Dan McCoy

[40:37] Nay!

[40:38] So, anyway, how did this movie end?

[40:39] Merry Christmas, you wonderful old sewer.

[40:43] That's Michelangelo.

[40:44] So, what happens in this movie?

[40:51] It's about turtles or something?

Elliott Kalan

[40:52] So, they finally show up.

[40:53] They beat Shredder.

[40:54] They fight him for a while.

[40:56] They manage to defeat him by using a trick they used to play as kids where they would hit

[41:01] buckets around by jumping on each other's backs.

[41:04] And they stop him from releasing all the poison.

[41:08] I don't even know what happens to Sax.

[41:09] He just kind of disappears.

[41:11] He gets knocked out and that's it.

[41:12] And then what?

[41:13] It's like Final Fight.

[41:15] He just turns into meat and they eat him.

[41:17] Where's that double dragon?

[41:20] I don't remember.

[41:20] Might have been both.

[41:22] Shredder falls to his death.

Dan McCoy

[41:24] It's like Gauntlet.

[41:24] They eat him and they go, yum!

Elliott Kalan

[41:27] And the turtles disappear before anyone sees them even though they were right there in front

[41:31] of everybody.

[41:32] But I guess everybody was like, there's a bunch of monster ninjas over there walking around

[41:36] and talking and bantering and making pop culture references.

[41:39] And there's like a suit of armor that I think might have a dead guy in it right here.

[41:42] Let me stare at this suit of armor.

[41:45] Those living turtle men aren't that interesting.

Stuart Wellington

[41:47] They're probably all staring at their smartphones, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[41:50] Yeah, that's true.

[41:51] They're all living through their picture lenses and not paying attention to reality.

[41:55] Anyway, they all meet up later.

[41:57] The turtles show up in their turtle van because we got to get some more toys to sell in here.

[42:02] And Michelangelo accidentally blows up Will Arnett's car with a missile.

[42:06] And Michelangelo makes one last creepy sexual bid at April and then plays Happy Together by the Turtles on his stereo.

[42:15] And the end.

Stuart Wellington

[42:16] And luckily that song is cut short so that we can hear a new theme song.

[42:19] Like a rap song about turtle power or something.

[42:22] Shredding.

Elliott Kalan

[42:22] Shredding the shells.

[42:24] Shell shocks.

[42:24] Yeah, you're going to get shell shocked.

[42:26] Raphael, he's the leader of the group.

[42:27] That's not actually true, but the old rap said that.

[42:30] Yeah.

[42:31] And then I sat through the whole credits waiting for the moment when Shredder shows back up again because he's still alive.

[42:36] Nothing.

[42:37] Nothing but that damn Paramount Mountain just laughing at me.

[42:41] Sitting through all those damn CGI credits.

Dan McCoy

[42:44] So we should wrap this up quick.

[42:46] Yeah, because we're running very long.

[42:47] We're running long.

[42:49] We're at a venue.

[42:51] So that's good.

[42:53] So dawdle.

[42:53] Our final judgments.

[42:55] Was this a good bad movie?

[42:56] A bad bad movie?

[42:57] Or a movie you kind of liked?

[42:58] Stuart, what do you got to say?

Stuart Wellington

[43:00] Uh, I'll probably say bad bad.

[43:03] It's short.

[43:04] It's not even that short.

[43:06] Yeah.

[43:07] Okay.

[43:08] Great.

[43:09] But perfect.

[43:10] So Will Arnett makes a play.

[43:12] Like he makes a try for it.

[43:14] He, the scenes he's in.

Elliott Kalan

[43:16] Will Arnett's a pro.

[43:16] He's going to put his all into it even when it's not a good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[43:18] And there's not, and all the scenes with the Ninja Turtles are way too hyper when they're

[43:22] like sliding around down those fucking sewers.

[43:25] Yeah.

[43:25] I don't know what's going on.

[43:26] It's making me sick.

[43:27] They slide around the sewers the way like Tarzan and Disney Tarzan slides around trees.

[43:30] Is that like the fucking Sonic the Hedgehog loops?

[43:32] Like what's going on?

[43:33] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[43:33] There's rings they're collecting and uh.

[43:35] Practically.

[43:35] Yeah.

[43:36] I'm going to.

[43:36] Splinter is basically old tales.

[43:38] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:40] I'm going to give this a marginal good bad just because it reminds me of bad movies of

[43:45] my youth.

[43:46] Like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are a nostalgia property and in a way this movie is a nostalgia

[43:52] property in that it reminded me of something like Howard the Duck or something.

Stuart Wellington

[43:56] There was a certain point when we were watching it that you started getting quiet and not making

[43:59] fun of the movie as much.

Elliott Kalan

[44:00] And then you just started singing, they're the world's most fearsome fighting team.

[44:05] Just under your breath.

[44:06] And I think you shouted turtle power when they kicked Shredder off that building.

Dan McCoy

[44:10] Yeah.

[44:10] Well it was a mashup of that and when I was 17.

[44:13] Yeah.

[44:15] It was a turtle good year.

[44:18] But what do you think Elliot?

[44:19] What do you got to say?

Elliott Kalan

[44:20] I got to say I hope this would be a good bad movie because it's super over the top.

[44:25] I think it was really a bad bad movie but if you watch it with a bunch of people who are

[44:28] going to make fun of it maybe it's a good bad movie.

[44:31] It wasn't too grim which I liked.

Dan McCoy

[44:34] So three for three.

[44:36] I don't think that was what we came to.

Elliott Kalan

[44:38] Best movie of the year.

[44:40] Best picture.

[44:41] Give that one all the Oscars ever.

[44:43] Sorry wings.

[44:45] The first best picture Oscar.

[44:48] Sorry Gigi.

[44:49] No Oscars for you.

[44:49] Sorry wings.

Dan McCoy

[44:49] And also Sunshine because there were two best pictures back then.

Elliott Kalan

[44:54] Nobody counts Sunshine's best picture.

Dan McCoy

[44:55] And we had a special poetic whatever.

[44:58] Like best artistic.

Elliott Kalan

[44:59] That's the word one was special poetic whatever.

[45:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[45:02] I think it was best artsy fartsy what's it called.

[45:06] So in lieu of letters from listeners as we said before we're going to do some Q&A with the audience.

[45:14] There's a might be a tough song to sing in the audience.

Elliott Kalan

[45:16] Or is it Q&A?

[45:21] Q&A.

[45:22] We're Q and some A's and A and some Q's.

[45:26] Questions from you and you and you and you.

[45:29] To you and you and me.

[45:32] The answers are here.

[45:33] The questions are there.

[45:35] Everywhere.

[45:36] We all have our hair.

[45:38] Still we'll lose it someday.

[45:41] Question us and you'll get an A.

[45:44] For answer and for effort.

[45:47] Two things that you can get an A and for.

[45:50] All right.

[45:51] For calling out around the bell house.

[45:55] Are you ready to ask some questions?

[45:58] The flop house is here and answers are here.

[46:01] For questions at the bell house.

[46:03] Questions there for Stuart and for Dan McCoy.

[46:10] There'll be people asking and people tasking.

[46:13] Wearing masking.

[46:15] Tape on their face for some reason.

[46:18] We've got people lined up.

[46:19] It's the season of the witch Halloween 3.

[46:21] Questions and answers.

Dan McCoy

[46:24] Let's do it up.

[46:25] Just start asking your question.

[46:26] Yeah.

[46:27] Just start it.

[46:28] Part two.

[46:29] That's my strategy.

[46:30] Just start talking.

Elliott Kalan

[46:31] We all have questions.

[46:35] Oh.

[46:35] Thank you.

[46:36] Thank you.

[46:37] I'll be selling my album out of the trunk of my car after the show.

[46:40] We won't have time for all the questions, unfortunately, but we'll have time for some.

[46:45] So.

[46:45] Yeah.

[46:46] All right.

[46:47] And please, as with Flophouse Standard, tell us your name but not your last name.

[46:52] All right.

[46:53] Dylan.

[46:54] Last name withheld.

[46:54] Thank you.

[46:55] Dylan.

[46:55] Very professionally done.

[46:56] Thank you, Dylan.

[46:57] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] So my friends and I have a tradition where we watch a bad movie, drink heavily, and then

[47:03] we finger paint our feelings about it.

[47:05] So I would wonder if you guys could give us some suggestions on movies that would make

[47:10] particularly vivid pictures.

Elliott Kalan

[47:12] Keeping in mind, Stuart, we have watched Castle Freak and Head of the Family.

[47:17] Sounds like there's a third part of that trilogy that you're a missin'.

[47:21] Well, someone removed it from YouTube, as you said.

Dan McCoy

[47:23] I won't lie.

[47:24] I did think that you were going to say finger bang your feelings about it.

[47:30] Why would you ever think that?

[47:34] I just think about things a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[47:41] Well, I mean, I'm going to throw Tango and Cash out there.

[47:44] Just because it's fun.

[47:45] We did that.

[47:46] Oh.

[47:46] You just did Tango and Cash, then Cobra.

[47:48] You got a shutdown.

Dan McCoy

[47:50] Here's something that will create vivid and horrifying finger pictures.

[47:57] The Garbage Pail Kids movie?

[48:01] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[48:02] They did that one, too.

[48:04] Huh?

[48:04] Well, I think they can teach us more than we can teach them at this point.

[48:07] Radio's teaching us.

[48:10] Wow.

[48:11] So you're insulting them.

[48:14] They're the radio in this part.

[48:16] At best, they're Radio Raheem, who gets killed.

[48:19] Anyway, yes, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[48:21] Okay.

[48:21] Can I go?

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] Okay.

[48:22] Until I interrupt you again.

[48:23] I would probably say Gymkata.

[48:26] Oh, that's a good one.

[48:27] Gymkata's a solid.

[48:28] Yeah, solid.

Stuart Wellington

[48:29] You might get some artful karate-style finger painting.

[48:35] Yeah, sure.

Dan McCoy

[48:37] Next question.

[48:38] Hello, I'm Seth.

[48:41] Hey, Seth.

[48:42] So I was born in the year of 1992.

[48:45] Thanks for making us feel old, dude.

[48:48] Meaning I was...

Elliott Kalan

[48:49] You know what I was doing in 1992?

[48:51] Waiting a year for Jurassic Park.

Dan McCoy

[48:57] I was born too late for the 80s cartoon, and then I was too old when the reboot cartoon happened.

[49:03] So...

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] You're that lost generation that never got to experience Ninja Turtles.

[49:06] Yeah.

[49:07] I guess my question is, like, what was or is the appeal of the Ninja Turtles as a nostalgia?

Dan McCoy

[49:12] Wow.

[49:13] I've got to say...

Stuart Wellington

[49:13] We were talking about this a lot, because...

[49:15] Yeah.

[49:15] I think you had the strongest tie with the Ninja Turtles.

[49:18] When I was a kid...

[49:19] I think you wrote the Turtlepedia on the internet.

Dan McCoy

[49:23] I didn't, but I would have.

Stuart Wellington

[49:23] Which has nothing to do with actual turtles.

[49:25] I wish, like...

[49:26] I feel like if somebody had a real turtle problem, and they're like, I'll look up Turtle Wikipedia.

[49:30] And they find Turtlepedia, and they're like, this is all about cartoons.

[49:33] What's going on?

[49:34] My turtles died.

Elliott Kalan

[49:35] I'll put pizza around the house to draw out these pesky turtles.

[49:38] Here's the thing.

[49:39] When I was a kid, I was all about the Ninja Turtles.

[49:42] Like, I was all over them.

[49:43] I wasn't yet old enough to really get into, I think, Marvel Comics.

[49:47] I felt...

[49:47] They were, like, a little too violent for me at the time.

Dan McCoy

[49:50] Nerd.

[49:50] Ever since I saw...

[49:51] I was young.

Elliott Kalan

[49:57] Go on.

[49:58] I saw on a cover of...

[50:00] I think it was Jim Lee's first issue of Uncanny X-Men, where Colossus is like,

[50:03] Havoc, why did you kill Storm?

[50:05] And I was like, I don't want to know why Storm got killed.

[50:08] Asking Havoc too many questions is dangerous.

[50:11] Is Storm a person?

[50:13] Yeah, I thought they were robots.

[50:14] I didn't know.

[50:15] Anyway.

[50:16] But they were...

[50:17] There was something about them that was, like, really fun.

[50:20] Ninjas are cool.

[50:21] Mutant animals are cool.

[50:22] And for a kid, that cartoon was genuinely funny.

[50:26] Like, and I have to say, it's probably the first thing, aside from Looney Tunes,

[50:29] that I ever saw, like, meta humor in.

[50:32] Where there was one scene I remember where they're going...

[50:35] They're, like, driving in their turtle van to the site of an action sequence.

[50:39] And the music playing is really dramatic.

[50:41] And the turtle driving looks at the camera and is like, wow, pretty dramatic music.

[50:46] And then keeps driving.

[50:47] And as a kid, that kind of thing blew my mind.

[50:49] Because outside of Looney Tunes, which was not, like, a serious cartoon.

[50:52] Whereas in this one, it was serious.

[50:54] You didn't see a lot of that.

[50:56] They were, like, a genuinely really fun thing.

[50:59] And there was a lot of imagination, kind of, how the characters were put together

[51:03] and the kind of foes that they fought and things like that.

Stuart Wellington

[51:06] And that cartoon ran for a really long time.

Elliott Kalan

[51:08] For a long time.

[51:09] I remember when I was a kid, they released a special statue you could buy

[51:13] to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the Ninja Turtles action figures.

[51:17] Because for an action figure line to run five years was a huge thing.

[51:20] And the fact that, like, 20 years later, you know, whatever it is,

[51:24] these stupid things are still going around.

Dan McCoy

[51:27] So you're claiming that longevity is a mark of quality?

[51:30] Because I believe that two and a half men has been around for quite some time.

Elliott Kalan

[51:33] I'm saying that turtles live a very long time.

[51:36] All right.

[51:36] No, but the appeal was that they're super cool ninjas.

Stuart Wellington

[51:42] Hi.

[51:43] Hey.

[51:44] I was wondering if you could inject yourselves into the worlds of any of the movies

[51:48] that you've fought before.

[51:49] Which one you would like the most?

[51:53] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[51:54] Into the worlds?

[51:55] Well, not Food Fighter Oogie Loves.

[51:59] Too many eldritch horrors.

Stuart Wellington

[52:04] What do you think, Elliot?

[52:04] What would you guys say?

[52:05] Not 10,000 B.C.

[52:06] Not 10,000 B.C.

[52:07] This is the easy part.

Dan McCoy

[52:08] Not after Earth.

[52:10] There's a lot of joy to be found in Bratz,

[52:12] but I feel like there's a weird creepiness if I was in that world.

[52:15] I think you would be arrested.

[52:17] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[52:19] Oh, boy.

[52:20] It's tough.

[52:20] Is it weird that the first thing that popped into my head was a little bit of heaven?

Elliott Kalan

[52:24] I mean, that's basically like...

[52:26] They're in Nolens, dude.

[52:26] They're in Nolens.

[52:27] Everyone's okay.

[52:28] You get to hang out.

[52:29] You know?

[52:29] You just hire Peter Dinklage to hang out with you for a couple hours.

[52:33] The dink.

Dan McCoy

[52:34] Yeah.

[52:34] Jesus, I don't know.

[52:36] They're all terrible places to live.

Elliott Kalan

[52:38] I'm going to say Mr. McGoriam's Wonder Imports.

[52:41] Yeah.

[52:42] Worst case scenario, you and Natalie Portman are going to go jump on some mattresses at a mattress store,

[52:47] and that sounds like a fun way to spend an afternoon.

Dan McCoy

[52:50] Yeah, I know.

[52:51] I'll steal that.

Elliott Kalan

[52:53] The Wonder Imports.

[52:54] Why is it creepier when Dan says it?

[52:58] Next question.

S6

[52:59] All right.

[53:00] Ethan, last name withheld?

[53:02] I actually have...

[53:04] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[53:05] Ladies and gentlemen, Ethan Hawke, everybody.

[53:06] Ethan Hawke, everybody.

[53:11] Star of...

[53:12] Oh, no.

[53:12] I was going to say Chill Factor, but that was Skeetal Rich.

[53:14] Sorry.

[53:15] I actually have two questions.

[53:17] Make them quick.

[53:18] Ninja Turtle 1, movie 1.

S6

[53:19] Ninja Turtle 1, what was your favorite Ninja Turtle as a child?

Elliott Kalan

[53:23] Donatello.

[53:25] Michelangelo.

[53:26] Donatello.

[53:27] It was Leonardo, Dan.

[53:29] No, no.

[53:30] Mine was Leo, so I'd sympathize.

[53:32] No, but it was Donatello.

[53:33] Blue was my favorite color, and that mattered to me when I was five.

[53:35] Well, that's the thing.

[53:36] I always wish Donatello was blue instead of purple.

[53:39] But now I know purple is a regal color.

Stuart Wellington

[53:40] Do you wish he had a better weapon?

[53:42] Because a bo staff is pretty lame.

Elliott Kalan

[53:44] It's pretty lame, but he can also make bombs and guns and things like that.

Dan McCoy

[53:47] Other thing, two katanas is, like, way better than any of the other ones.

Elliott Kalan

[53:52] I mean, it's kind of against the rules.

[53:53] You'd have a katana and a short sword, right?

[53:55] Yeah, for the die show.

Dan McCoy

[53:56] See, I feel like having two katanas is kind of unfair.

[53:59] Like, you just got two big swords.

[54:01] I like the fact that you got Donatello.

Elliott Kalan

[54:03] He can fucking beat you up with just a big stick.

[54:06] There is a part in the movie where Splinter is talking about their past,

[54:09] and he goes, I gave them weapons.

[54:10] And he gives to Leonardo, he goes, the katana, the leader of the swords,

[54:14] and then does not name the other weapons.

[54:17] It's like the end of the Gilligan's Island.

[54:19] It's like, and the rest.

[54:20] There's a box of other shit in the corner.

[54:22] You guys pick stuff out.

[54:24] All right.

[54:24] So what's your second question?

[54:26] Second question.

Dan McCoy

[54:27] What is the one thing a movie can do that will just turn you against instantly?

[54:32] Like, you can be watching it, and you can be like, oh, this is a good, bad movie.

S6

[54:34] And then it does something.

[54:35] You're like, no, fuck this.

[54:37] Bad, bad movie right now.

Stuart Wellington

[54:38] I'm going to jump in.

[54:40] Anytime a movie begins with, like, a fucking prophecy.

[54:43] Yeah.

[54:44] Like, my grandma always spoke of the day the ninjas would rise up and take over the robot overlords.

Elliott Kalan

[54:50] Then we know it's going to be bad.

[54:51] Yeah.

[54:51] It's going to be hard.

[54:53] Yeah.

[54:54] I think that's pretty, yeah.

[54:54] Right off the bat.

[54:55] That's pretty much it.

Dan McCoy

[54:57] I mean, there's always a second act sag, but, like, I don't feel like there's, like, a thing you can point to.

[55:02] It's just that, like, it's clear that they're like, oh, we have a great beginning for a movie.

[55:07] And then we have no idea what the rest of the movie is going to be.

[55:12] Until the stunning climax.

[55:14] Yeah.

[55:15] Next question, please.

[55:15] Explosions.

[55:16] Hey, dudes.

[55:16] Hey, Stu.

[55:17] Okay, so.

Elliott Kalan

[55:19] I was supposed to say that part.

[55:21] Continue.

[55:22] Hi, my name is Stu's co-worker.

[55:26] Question.

[55:26] It's amazing that you got exactly the right job for your name.

[55:31] That's a coincidence.

[55:32] That's as big a coincidence as Megan Fox setting loose some turtles and then years later finding them again.

Stuart Wellington

[55:37] By the way, K-Seltic, everybody is wearing the Steven Seagal jacket from On Deadly Ground.

Elliott Kalan

[55:47] So, what's your question?

[55:48] If you had to human centipede the Ninja Turtles and what...

[55:56] What order would they be in?

[56:02] I mean, what, Raphael in the front so he can make a lot of quips, right?

[56:06] So, wait, is there going to be four of them?

[56:08] Well, that's the thing.

[56:09] You can't put Donatello in front because he'll think of a way out unless he's getting poop shoved in his face all the time.

Dan McCoy

[56:13] I'll tell you one thing.

[56:15] You do not want Michelangelo in front because he's only eating pizza.

[56:19] Yeah.

[56:20] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[56:21] Leonardo's somewhere in the middle.

[56:22] Who cares what happens to him?

[56:25] And is Splinter involved?

[56:27] It's...

Stuart Wellington

[56:28] I mean, who's feeding him the pizza?

Elliott Kalan

[56:31] Oh, Splinter's doing...

[56:32] That's terrible.

[56:34] We can't think about this anymore.

[56:35] Thank you.

Dan McCoy

[56:38] I don't know how I can follow that.

[56:41] Hi, Brian.

[56:42] Hi, Brian.

[56:43] Nice to meet you, Brian.

[56:43] You guys, you mentioned in the movie that William Fickner just completely disappears without explanation

[56:48] and that there's no reason for the Shredder to be helping him.

[56:52] What I found out was that...

Elliott Kalan

[56:53] Well, the Shredder is like his mentor type of thing.

Dan McCoy

[56:55] Well, what it actually was was in the original cut, I found this out, William Fickner was the Shredder.

[57:00] And when that tested terribly, they filmed those two scenes with the Shredder in his basement

[57:04] and then dubbed over all of his dialogue for the rest of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[57:07] Oh, and then filmed those other scenes of William Fickner being in another place.

[57:10] Exactly.

[57:10] That's why he's inside while everything else is happening.

[57:12] It's amazing that they're like, this is the flaw with the movie.

[57:16] People love William Fickner so much they don't want to see him stuck in a suit of armor.

[57:20] They want to see that handsome face.

Dan McCoy

[57:22] How is it possible that that tested terribly?

[57:26] Like, it's like, oh, we don't...

[57:28] I don't buy him as a ninja.

[57:30] I don't like this charismatic character actor to be the main villain.

[57:34] Let's get a second guy in here and then just have William Fickner kind of just disappear at the end of the film

[57:41] and who knows what happened to him.

[57:43] What is that?

[57:44] Is that Jay Leno doing anything on the movie?

[57:47] That was the air going out of William Fickner as he depletes.

[57:51] That's why in the movie his name is Eric Sex, which is the white people version of Orokusaki.

[57:56] Yeah, yeah.

[57:57] Anglicized Orokusaki.

[57:58] So do you have a question?

[57:59] My question related to that is, what's your favorite plot hole you've seen in a movie?

Stuart Wellington

[58:07] Favorite plot hole?

[58:08] I mean, the one that immediately comes to mind is the fact they just blew up that turtle hangout

[58:13] and nobody got hurt.

[58:15] And nothing got blown up.

Dan McCoy

[58:17] Pretty good.

[58:18] It's pretty good.

[58:19] Like in any movie?

[58:20] Any movie ever made.

[58:21] I've talked about this before, but it's a movie I like, but I still have a problem with the fact that in Back to the Future Part 2,

[58:29] Biff manages to return to a future that he erased,

[58:35] allowing Marty and Doc to get back in the car and go back in time.

Stuart Wellington

[58:41] So you're saying when he leaves the Biffverse and he comes back to 2015.

Dan McCoy

[58:45] When he goes back, he's created the dystopian Biffverse,

[58:48] so there's no way that he could return to the original.

Stuart Wellington

[58:51] But he's really, is he having a heart attack when he gets there?

[58:54] I'm as disinterested as you are.

[58:55] He's like.

Elliott Kalan

[58:57] I'm just going to say TNC, classic Tanguy Cash.

[59:01] They clear their names by blowing off all the evidence that proves that they weren't the bad guys.

Dan McCoy

[59:07] And then they high-five.

Elliott Kalan

[59:08] The fact that they high-five means that they're cleared.

[59:10] I have in a photograph.

[59:11] The judge is like, you wouldn't have high-fived if you hadn't won the day.

[59:15] Tanguy Cash, you're back on the force.

[59:18] Yes, please.

[59:19] Hi, guys.

[59:19] I'm Ian.

[59:20] I had a, oh, thank you.

[59:22] I had a really specific plot point question about this movie.

[59:25] I wanted to get your opinion on it.

[59:28] So Shredder becomes a father to Sax when Sax is like a little boy.

Dan McCoy

[59:33] He's like a mentor figure, yeah.

[59:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:35] He said he was like a father to him.

[59:37] I assume he's at least 20 years older than him.

Dan McCoy

[59:40] So then when Sax is like 50 in this movie, are we watching the turtles like beating up a 75-year-old man?

Elliott Kalan

[59:47] We are watching the turtles getting their asses kicked by a 75-year-old man.

[59:51] But I mean, you stick anybody in that Shredder suit, it could be the late William Hickey.

[59:55] And he's just like, he's just like killing them, you know?

[59:58] Yeah.

[59:59] Yeah.

[59:59] Larry Bud Melman inside there.

[1:00:00] Yeah, put Calvin DeForest in there and it's, you know.

[1:00:04] I mean, yeah, put a kid in there and he's going to beat him up.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:08] They tried that.

[1:00:09] It didn't test him well.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:10] Originally, Shredder was going to be a baby in a man's suit.

[1:00:13] Sure.

[1:00:14] Sorry, your question, please.

[1:00:15] Hi, Jared.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:16] Last name withheld.

[1:00:17] Hi, Jared.

[1:00:17] I'll meet you, Jared.

[1:00:18] Stuart.

[1:00:18] Okay.

[1:00:19] In Stuart's special segment that no one who is listening will know about, there were multiple tabs open.

[1:00:25] One of them was for a side I won't name, the other was for Horror Boobs.

[1:00:29] Yeah.

[1:00:29] I just want to know, how'd that work out?

[1:00:32] How?

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:37] I think Horror Boobs is kind of a misnomer.

[1:00:41] It's more just like a beautiful women in horror movies.

[1:00:45] Why are you looking at me?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:47] Now, not that I'm a regular visitor to the site, but I believe it is pictures of boobs from horror movies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:53] I think you're right.

[1:00:54] I mean, I don't have a full membership.

[1:00:56] I've only got to the visitor area.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:57] You just go to the guest preview and then...

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:00] I say, yes, I'm 18.

[1:01:02] How are they going to know?

[1:01:03] I mean, come on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:06] Yes, question, please.

[1:01:07] Yes.

S4

[1:01:08] Hi, my name is Andrea.

[1:01:09] Last name withheld.

[1:01:10] And I'm not a nerdy white guy, so I feel overwhelmed right now.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:14] Thank you.

[1:01:15] Can I say that we appreciate you all the more?

[1:01:20] Yeah.

[1:01:20] What's up?

S4

[1:01:21] Creepy.

[1:01:22] But I feel overwhelmed by modern life.

[1:01:24] And the choice is...

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:25] This may be not the right question for us.

[1:01:27] We'll see.

S4

[1:01:29] What are your tips for when I'm looking at Netflix or Fios and it's time for me to choose a movie?

[1:01:37] Or what are some tips that I can use to choose what it's time to look at?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] This is a pretty simple one for me.

[1:01:47] I would say buy yourself a subscription to Full Moon Streaming.

[1:01:52] It's your number one place for B-horror movies.

[1:01:55] And A-horror movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:56] You can finally watch Puppet Master Retro in your home by your lonesome.

[1:02:01] Or is it Retro Puppet Master?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:02] I think it's Retro Puppet Master.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:03] I would just say if it sounds interesting, try it.

[1:02:05] The worst that happens is you get bored and you turn it off.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:08] I've got two pieces of advice.

[1:02:10] The first is Big Trouble in Little China.

[1:02:14] And the second is, why not just have a few drinks while you're watching it?

[1:02:18] And it doesn't really matter so much.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:22] I think we have time for two more questions.

S5

[1:02:25] Hello.

[1:02:26] My name is Rina, last name withheld.

[1:02:28] In my home, there are three of us who listen to the Flap House.

[1:02:32] Myself, Dan, last name also withheld.

[1:02:35] And Dan's 14-year-old son, Jackson.

[1:02:39] Some of you remember back...

[1:02:40] Was that...

[1:02:41] We select the episodes he's allowed to listen to by listening to them ourselves.

[1:02:47] What he listens to on his own time, we do not know.

[1:02:50] He's 14.

[1:02:50] What are you going to do?

[1:02:52] Stuart, if you recall, back in November, I sent you a message requesting that you send Jackson a happy birthday shout-out.

[1:03:00] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:01] I did that.

[1:03:02] And you did.

[1:03:02] And many of you on the Facebook Flap House page responded accordingly with pictures of yourself at the age of 14 or somewhere thereabouts.

[1:03:09] To which I have to tell you that he was insanely excited.

[1:03:14] Great.

[1:03:15] As a thank you, he sent you guys this.

[1:03:19] Oh, that's so sweet.

[1:03:21] It's somewhat selfish.

[1:03:23] It's not a gift.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:25] What?

[1:03:26] Who?

S5

[1:03:27] He has asked that you sign it.

[1:03:29] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:29] So, it's just to describe it.

[1:03:31] It says, Elliot, Dan, and Stu.

S5

[1:03:32] Elliot, that's a chicken leg.

[1:03:34] Oh, I could tell.

[1:03:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:35] Yeah.

[1:03:36] It's like a chicken leg bet signal, and I would immediately go wherever that was being projected from.

[1:03:41] Right.

S5

[1:03:42] Right.

[1:03:42] And Dan has a remote control.

[1:03:44] Flash signal.

[1:03:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:46] And then what's this for Stu?

S5

[1:03:47] Well, that's the house cat.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:50] Oh, yeah.

[1:03:50] As Superman.

S5

[1:03:51] The house cat.

[1:03:52] Rawr, rawr.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:54] Popular character of the Flophouse.

[1:03:56] Popular character.

S5

[1:03:57] Rawr, rawr.

[1:03:58] Jackson has been working on this for the last couple of weeks, so it's a big deal.

[1:04:02] That's beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:02] Well, if you stick around, we'll sign this as soon as we're done.

[1:04:05] I have a pen.

[1:04:05] Okay, great.

[1:04:06] And then we'll hand it back to you.

[1:04:08] Thanks, guys.

[1:04:09] So, Dan, if you'd like to choose one last person.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:12] Yes.

[1:04:12] One last person.

[1:04:14] We've got...

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] Or one last question.

[1:04:16] The gentleman.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:17] There's a gentleman with a giant foam finger out of the audience.

[1:04:21] All right.

[1:04:22] If he could...

[1:04:23] Oh, man.

[1:04:25] What's in the...

[1:04:25] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:28] If...

[1:04:29] If...

[1:04:29] If you could please state your name.

S6

[1:04:38] Is this on?

[1:04:39] Shit.

[1:04:40] All right.

[1:04:40] Yeah.

[1:04:41] My name is David, last name withheld Kalen.

S8

[1:04:46] Oh.

[1:04:49] Oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:52] For the listeners at home.

[1:04:53] Did mom tell you I was going to be here?

[1:04:55] Is that how you found out?

Dan McCoy

[1:04:56] David, last name withheld Kalen.

[1:04:58] For the listeners at home.

[1:04:59] Wearing a hockey jersey.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:01] He's wearing a devil's jersey and a New York...

[1:05:04] What is that?

[1:05:04] With his own name on the ground.

[1:05:05] Oh, that's right.

[1:05:06] I forgot you have a devil's jersey with your own name.

[1:05:10] A Giants hat that has sent someone screaming into madness.

S6

[1:05:16] I think Giants fans are pretty rare in this city, so...

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:19] Yeah, yeah.

[1:05:19] It's unusual.

[1:05:19] And so you...

[1:05:20] Just to make people clear, make clear, that is a personalized devil's jersey that you bought.

[1:05:25] No, I...

[1:05:25] I didn't, but that's a story for another day.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:28] He didn't get it while playing for the devils?

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:32] This is not one-time Stanley Cup winner for the devils.

[1:05:37] David Kalen.

S6

[1:05:38] They have three Stanley Cups.

[1:05:40] But you only played for one of them.

[1:05:41] Well, there are three cups on the jersey, though.

[1:05:44] I think that's pretty self-explanatory.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:49] Anyway.

[1:05:50] Do you have a...

[1:05:51] Yeah, yeah.

[1:05:52] No, I have a...

[1:05:52] Do you have a question or do you just hear to remind me how terrible life can be?

[1:05:54] Both.

S6

[1:05:55] That's the worst thing I've ever said to you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:58] That's so horrible.

[1:05:59] I'm sorry.

[1:06:01] He is a fine brother.

[1:06:02] He is an excellent uncle to my son.

[1:06:04] Aw.

[1:06:05] Yeah.

[1:06:06] Aw.

[1:06:07] Aw.

[1:06:08] Thanks, guys.

[1:06:09] Very irritating, man.

[1:06:10] Yeah.

S6

[1:06:12] So, anyway.

[1:06:13] So, your question.

[1:06:13] Yeah.

[1:06:14] I know most of you are expecting me to list off a bunch of factual errors by the floppers

[1:06:18] in recent episodes, but I'm wary of appearing even more obnoxious in person than I am in

[1:06:24] my letters.

[1:06:26] So, I'm not going to do that.

[1:06:27] Although, don't worry.

[1:06:28] I will talk about sports.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:31] How long is the preamble to your question?

[1:06:33] No, that was it.

S6

[1:06:35] Okay.

[1:06:35] I can go on longer than your letters song if you want.

[1:06:38] No, thank you.

[1:06:39] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:40] Don't test me.

[1:06:42] Don't challenge me to a nonsense off.

[1:06:46] I don't think any...

[1:06:47] We should do that sometime.

[1:06:48] Anyway, yeah.

[1:06:48] Continue.

S6

[1:06:49] I was recently watching the classic mid-1990s basketball-themed erotic thriller, Eddie.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:56] Erotic?

[1:06:57] Don't think that that's inaccurate.

[1:06:58] Aaron Whoopsie-Goldman.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] A Whoopsie-Goldman one.

[1:07:01] With, uh...

[1:07:02] Is that the one where she teams up with Theodore Rex, or is that Theodore Rex?

[1:07:05] That's...

S6

[1:07:06] It is not Eddie.

[1:07:08] I know that much.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:08] Is Eddie the one where it's made in America?

S6

[1:07:10] No, no.

[1:07:11] That's when Ted Danson plays basketball for her in blackface during the Oscars.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:17] Anyway...

[1:07:18] Don't get yourself in trouble.

[1:07:19] Keep talking.

S6

[1:07:20] Didn't...

[1:07:21] Isn't that what he did?

[1:07:21] It has Whoopi Goldberg and Frank Langella in it.

[1:07:24] And when I was watching it, the flophouse instantly popped into my head during one of

[1:07:28] the film's crucial scenes.

[1:07:30] Approximately 28 minutes into the film, team owner Wild Bill Burgess announces to a sparsely

[1:07:36] filled Madison Square Garden that head coach John Bailey has walked off the job, and superfan

[1:07:42] Edwina Eddie Franklin will be the team's head coach for the night.

[1:07:46] Cut to the stunned Cleveland Cavaliers bench where a referee, leafing through a small booklet,

[1:07:51] actually says, there's nothing in the rule book.

[1:07:58] This is, of course, completely absurd.

[1:08:01] There are many strict rules regarding contracts for players and coaches.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:06] So is this the correcting Eddie portion of the podcast?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:10] I think you...

[1:08:11] Well, good news.

[1:08:12] We've got the director and screenwriter of Eddie backstage right now.

[1:08:15] Come on out, boys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:16] I believe my brother has mistaken us for the Eddie IMDB goofs page.

[1:08:22] But please continue.

S6

[1:08:23] Just to make this clear, this is a movie that features Frank Langella using a Wild West accent.

[1:08:29] Seriously.

[1:08:30] It presents the idea that $50,000 is a lot of money to make as an NBA head coach.

[1:08:37] And the movie develops tension by introducing the threat that the Knicks might be sold and moved to St. Louis,

[1:08:44] which is ridiculous.

[1:08:46] But despite all of that, the referee finding nothing in the rule book is, to me, the most ridiculous part of this movie.

[1:08:54] So my question is this.

[1:08:56] Is there one?

[1:08:57] Yeah.

[1:08:59] What movie have you seen where you felt very knowledgeable about the subject matter,

[1:09:04] but presented the most inexplicable deus ex machina plot device that you knew to be total nonsense?

[1:09:11] Now, before you answer...

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:14] There are some rules to this game, boy.

S6

[1:09:20] Before you answer, I have something for all of you.

[1:09:23] I know that occasionally listeners will send you guys GIFs.

[1:09:26] I never really understood why.

[1:09:29] Hey.

[1:09:29] But...

[1:09:30] We bring light and joy to the earth.

[1:09:31] They don't know you.

[1:09:34] In person.

[1:09:36] Some of you might.

[1:09:38] But it always seemed nice, so I'm getting it on the act here.

[1:09:42] As you all know, Elliot is a diehard Kansas City Royals fan.

[1:09:45] Love him.

[1:09:46] Yeah.

[1:09:47] My beloved Royals.

[1:09:48] So, in honor of their World Series run this past fall and my brother's favorite pop song of 2014, I have gotten...

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:56] I'm curious to find out what that is.

S6

[1:09:59] It's a song called Royals.

[1:10:01] It's by a female vocalist named Lord.

[1:10:04] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:04] Because I love any song about my beloved baseball team, the Kansas City Royals.

S6

[1:10:09] I have gotten each of you your own Kansas City Royals t-shirt with a personalized name on it, especially for each of you.

[1:10:16] Oh.

[1:10:16] I consider it something of a thank you for putting up with all of my irritating complaints for the past few years.

[1:10:21] Although, in Elliot's case, he's been doing it for about three decades, so I don't know that I have enough money to pay for enough t-shirts to make up for that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:28] Oh.

[1:10:28] But that's very sweet of you, David.

[1:10:30] Oh.

[1:10:30] Oh, thanks.

[1:10:32] What a great brother you are.

[1:10:36] So, what was the question again?

[1:10:38] No, no, no.

[1:10:39] We'll just go along with it.

[1:10:41] A movie that we were knowledgeable about that had a deus machina thingy in it?

[1:10:45] That made no sense?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:47] It's complicated.

[1:10:48] Okay, so I don't think I'm an expert on this subject, but it's something that's always bothered me.

[1:10:53] There's a movie called Signs, directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

[1:10:58] And it's a movie that posits that aliens that are violently allergic to water would come to the planet Earth, which is almost all water.

[1:11:07] Like, they've come to poison themselves.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:09] It's insane.

[1:11:10] They call it planet suicide.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:13] There's even a scene where they're showing home video footage of an alien running around in Brazil, the fucking rainforest, dude.

[1:11:21] So, Signs.

[1:11:23] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:24] I mean, this isn't a movie, and we've talked about it on this show before, but I know that you, Elliot, and I, and everyone at our day job...

[1:11:34] I think this is what I was going to talk about.

[1:11:35] ...is quite fond of Studio 60, the television program.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:38] Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:40] Which presents an insane view of what it is to be a comedy writer.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:45] Or how a television show or any functional adult business might work.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:49] A world where someone can look at a script for two seconds and say, this is really funny stuff.

[1:11:55] Or a world where the head writer, such as yourself, is flocked as he leaves the show...

[1:12:02] Never happened.

[1:12:03] ...by people asking for autographs and...

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:05] This is a show where...

[1:12:07] I posit that Studio 60 exists in an alternative universe where...

[1:12:12] Well, alternate universe.

[1:12:13] I guess an alternative universe would be like an alternative universe that's just like a, you know, more of a college underground scene.

[1:12:18] An alternate universe where sketch comedy is the biggest form of entertainment.

[1:12:25] And so the firing of a head writer on a sketch comedy show and the hiring of a new one calls for a press conference.

[1:12:31] And in this universe, sketch comedy is also the number one threat to Christianity.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:36] Because if that sketch Crazy Christians gets out, they're going to blow the lid over the whole Judeo-Christian thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:41] Jesus is just sitting in his office smoking a stogie saying, we got to put the lid on this crazy Christian sketch.

[1:12:47] We got a good thing going, me and my pops.

[1:12:49] And we can't let this thing come to an end.

[1:12:52] But, yeah, I think that's something where every second you're like, why are they all writing in the same room and there's no lights on?

Dan McCoy

[1:13:00] So I hope that answers your question, mysterious sir.

[1:13:05] Oh, thank you for the, we're taking...

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:09] Thank you very much, Dave.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:14] Oh, mine says sigh on the back.

[1:13:18] And mine says Dave's brother.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:23] Stuart, what is yours?

[1:13:24] Stuart, what is...

[1:13:25] Stuart, what is...

[1:13:26] I might wear this tomorrow.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:34] Thank you so much.

[1:13:35] Thank you so much, Dave.

[1:13:36] I'm glad that you're number three.

[1:13:39] We have gone past our allotted time.

[1:13:44] So I'm assuming we should probably wrap it up.

[1:13:46] I'm getting the yes nod from off stage.

[1:13:49] So rather than...

[1:13:51] We'll skip recommendations this time.

[1:13:53] I mean, if you really need to know what the fuck recommendations we have...

[1:13:57] I think I already made one, dudes.

[1:13:59] Call us.

[1:13:59] Call us outside of the show and be like, tell me what to watch.

[1:14:03] But in lieu of that...

[1:14:05] Yeah, thanks for telling them to do that, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:06] I'll just say, goodnight.

[1:14:08] Tell me what to watch, dammit.

[1:14:10] Shove us up against a wall.

[1:14:12] I've got a specific set of skills.

[1:14:14] Tell me what to watch.

[1:14:16] So we'll leave you...

[1:14:17] So here's the recommendation.

[1:14:19] Maybe don't watch a movie this weekend.

[1:14:20] Go out and do something nice.

[1:14:23] Hey, here's a recommendation.

[1:14:24] Choose life.

[1:14:25] Be good to each other.

[1:14:27] Be nice.

[1:14:28] Yeah, love each other.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:30] So be nice.

[1:14:32] For the Flophouse.

[1:14:32] Like in Roadhouse.

[1:14:33] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:35] Did we just turn into Kurt Vonnegut?

[1:14:37] I think we did.

[1:14:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:38] Yeah.

[1:14:39] So it goes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:41] If you've been Dan McCoy, then I've been Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:45] And putting the math together, carry the one, add an awesome, I think I believe I am, Elliot

[1:14:51] Kalen.

[1:14:51] And that would mean this is the Flophouse.

[1:14:53] Good night, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:55] Thanks for coming.

[1:14:56] Thank you very much for coming out.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:09] We'll be leaving, but I want to say a quick thanks to everyone who helped us put the show

[1:15:13] together.

[1:15:14] Thank you very much to Jeremy and everyone at the PodFest.

[1:15:17] Thank you guys so much for doing the show.

[1:15:19] Guys, give another round of applause for the Flophouse.

[1:15:23] Thank you very much to everybody at the Bell House and for everybody else for coming out.

[1:15:27] Thank you very much.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:33] Hey, this is Pop Rocket.

[1:15:35] We're your source for all pop culture information.

S4

[1:15:38] It's an intellectual and incredibly snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five Frankie

[1:15:42] Hollywood 30-somethings.

[1:15:43] No name-calling, no rudeness, just straight talk and a lot of role play.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:46] I'm only 30-something for another year.

[1:15:48] Me too.

[1:15:49] And I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something.

[1:15:52] Pop Rocket comes out every week from MaximumFun.org.

S7

[1:15:59] Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier.

[1:16:01] I host and produce a show called Destination DIY.

[1:16:05] It's all about people doing interesting things, and we're really excited to be bringing it

[1:16:10] to Maximum Fun.

[1:16:11] When you hear DIY, you might think of knitting or building a birdhouse, but we're really more

[1:16:17] interested in people doing stuff like hacking the healthcare system, creating their own

[1:16:21] currencies, building their own spacesuits, that kind of thing.

[1:16:25] We're here to remind you that you are an authority.

[1:16:28] And we think you're going to like our stories about makers, builders, inventors, and all kinds

[1:16:33] of creative people.

[1:16:34] Check out Destination DIY at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts.

Episode #169 - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles LIVE

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