Episode #170 - Transformers: Age of Extinction

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we discuss Transformers Age of Extinction, aka the one without Shia LaBeouf.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse Podcast. I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:40] Hey Dan McCoy, I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:43] Hey Stuart and Dan, my name is Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[0:46] All three of us.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] He's in disguise. Check his mask off.

[0:51] Myself? I don't...

[0:53] It's not him.

[0:54] Actually, I'd like to point out I'm the one person in this room, so listeners can know, not wearing a hoodie with the hood up over his head.

Dan McCoy

[1:00] It's chilly in my apartment tonight.

[1:02] And I was just doing it because Dan was doing it.

[1:04] That's a very localized weather report for people who happen to be in my apartment on the date that this was recorded.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11] Recording this with a couple of Unabombers, or maybe they're the hoodlums dressed as aliens from the first storyline on the hit show, Ghost Rider.

[1:20] Wait, the shit show, Ghost Rider?

[1:21] Hit show, Dan. It taught kids how to read, be friends, and rap.

[1:25] Was that Johnny Blaze or Danny Catch?

[1:27] It was neither. He was an animated dot that could read things and then write them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32] Okay.

[1:32] So, welcome to the Flophouse. We talk about movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36] Yeah.

[1:36] Usually a bad one.

Dan McCoy

[1:38] Bad movies.

[1:39] So, what do we... Hold on a second. We talk to a bad movie?

[1:43] No, we watch a bad movie.

[1:45] And then we discuss it thereafter.

[1:47] And tonight we watch...

Stuart Wellington

[1:48] Hey guys, it's great to be back in the Flophouse after that live show we did last time.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52] Dan, remember the thing you wanted us to do at the top and we agreed?

[1:55] Well, you steered me down this fucking culvert.

[1:58] When I asked you what we do on the podcast.

[2:00] It's more like a cul-de-sac.

Stuart Wellington

[2:01] It wasn't like a culvert.

[2:04] What's the fucking T-1000 chasing us?

Dan McCoy

[2:08] I mean, I was perfectly capable of double backing and thanking people.

[2:13] And yet you did not.

[2:14] No, because you were like, what do we do on this podcast?

[2:17] What we do on this podcast is not host live shows.

[2:20] Which is the thing that I was going to thank you for.

Elliott Kalan

[2:23] Well, on this podcast we watch a movie and discuss it.

[2:26] You're not going to pin this on me, Caitlin.

[2:28] But before we discuss tonight's movie...

Dan McCoy

[2:29] Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang.

[2:30] You're never going to catch me alive.

Elliott Kalan

[2:33] Now my ghost has to haunt you.

[2:36] All right, what were we saying?

[2:37] Wow, your life is boring.

[2:38] Why am I haunting you again?

[2:41] You'd be surprised.

[2:42] I'm going to go haunt Danny Elfman.

[2:45] Now there's a man with an interest in life.

[2:46] He's an elf and a man.

[2:48] He's a man who was bitten by a radioactive elf.

Stuart Wellington

[2:51] And now he has the power of candy canes.

[2:52] Will they accept him back into the Grey Havens?

[2:56] Probably not.

[2:56] Does he have to make a choice?

[2:57] Is that some asylum for elves?

Dan McCoy

[2:59] Kind of.

[3:00] It's like in the end of Tolkien, man.

[3:02] The end of Tolkien, man.

Elliott Kalan

[3:04] Tolkien, man.

[3:05] Tolkien, man.

Elliott Kalan

[3:05] Tolkien was bitten by a radioactive Tolkien.

[3:07] And now he has the ability to make up fake languages.

[3:09] Everyone sails off to the Grey Havens.

Dan McCoy

[3:12] Except for the ones who don't.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] It sounds more to me like this elf.

[3:16] He killed too many elves.

[3:17] He's too dangerous in the prison.

[3:19] Send him to Grey Haven.

Dan McCoy

[3:21] No one's ever escaped from Grey Haven.

[3:24] Anyway, the main point is...

[3:25] So, Dan, we had a live show.

[3:27] Okay.

[3:28] Thank you to everyone who was foolish enough to come out and see our foolishness at the live show.

[3:35] I am humbled that we sold out the Bell House in Gowanus.

[3:40] That's a 350 capacity...

[3:44] I would say 350 seats, but most people are standing.

[3:47] Yeah, I'm sorry.

[3:48] Including us for part of the show.

[3:50] If you want to sit down, maybe get there earlier next time.

[3:53] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[3:54] Wow.

[3:54] Wait in the cold longer, dudes.

[3:56] Kind of unnecessary hostility for the people who came to see us, jackass.

[4:00] The point is, thanks to everybody who came out.

[4:02] It was a wonderful night.

[4:03] Thanks to the Bell House for having us and New York PodFest for arranging a lot of it.

[4:07] We'll try to pick a movie next time.

[4:10] So, not as many people have to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[4:13] But it was a great audience.

[4:15] Everyone who came brought great energy, and we're very thankful for that.

Dan McCoy

[4:20] Yeah, they brought great energy.

[4:21] They brought some uranium.

[4:23] They brought some gasoline.

[4:26] I mean, gasoline isn't great energy.

[4:28] It's actually not very good at all.

[4:30] Someone brought the crystal from the dark crystal.

[4:33] Yeah, yeah.

[4:33] Just all kinds of great energy.

Elliott Kalan

[4:34] When you take that shard out of the main crystal, do the good guys and the bad guys separate back out into individuals again?

Dan McCoy

[4:42] It's all bird men and what?

[4:45] What's the other one?

[4:46] They're kind of bird lizards.

[4:47] Yeah.

[4:47] Skeksis and gray ghouls.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] And what are the other dudes called?

[4:51] Yep, they're ghouls.

[4:52] No, they're like narrators or chroniclers.

[4:55] Mystics, I think.

[4:55] Yeah, that's what it is.

[4:56] It's spelled with a K.

[4:57] Like some kind of 90s X-Man.

[5:01] They're not named after Mystic Connecticut.

[5:03] Or Mystic How?

[5:05] The premise of our podcast.

[5:07] Mystic Pizza in Mystic Connecticut.

Dan McCoy

[5:09] So on tonight's episode of the podcast, we watched Transformers.

Elliott Kalan

[5:16] Why'd you put so much?

[5:17] I thought you watched Transformers, the travel guide for transgender travelers.

Dan McCoy

[5:23] I mean, that sounds like a perfectly useful travel guide.

[5:26] Yeah.

[5:27] I mean, that would be a book.

[5:28] Watching it.

[5:30] I mean, I just watched it sit on a table.

Stuart Wellington

[5:32] They actually filed in the Blockbuster video next to Transamerica.

[5:37] In their trans section.

Elliott Kalan

[5:41] Blockbuster had some very interesting categories.

Dan McCoy

[5:44] So this was a movie about things that were more than meets the eye.

[5:51] Autobots race and battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.

Elliott Kalan

[5:56] If something was in disguise, what was it?

[5:59] Was it robots?

Dan McCoy

[6:01] Yeah, robots were the ones that were in disguise.

[6:03] Now, what was it?

[6:04] They put beards on.

Elliott Kalan

[6:06] And hats, dark glasses.

[6:08] Yeah.

[6:08] Now, I would say this.

[6:09] The Ninja Turtle disguise.

[6:10] Interestingly, this movie seemed to be quite a lot less than met the eye often.

[6:17] Getting right to the review, huh?

[6:19] Yeah.

[6:19] I mean, I'll reserve judgment.

[6:20] So how many of these Transformer movies have you seen, Elliot?

[6:23] This is the first Transformer movie I've seen.

[6:24] So I started with Chapter 4, as I do with any series.

[6:27] Star Wars started with Episode 4.

[6:29] Yeah.

[6:30] Harry Potter, I think I watched the first one and the fifth one.

[6:34] You missed the good one.

[6:35] Apparently, yeah.

[6:36] Because the fifth one was not very good.

[6:39] And, you know, what other series are there?

[6:41] Rocky, fourth is the best.

[6:43] Start with that one.

[6:44] Superman, four.

[6:46] Four is the best.

[6:47] Quest for Peace.

[6:47] I mean, I think when I was a kid, that was the first one that I saw.

[6:51] So I always had like a special place in my heart for it, even though it's ridiculous and terrible.

[6:55] The fourth Pink Panther, whatever that is.

Dan McCoy

[6:57] That's probably Return of the Revenge of the Strikes Again.

[7:00] Who knows?

[7:01] But you've seen, Stuart, all of the Transformers.

[7:04] Oh, and the fourth Emanuel film.

[7:05] Yeah, the fourth Emanuel.

[7:07] Is that Emanuel in space?

[7:07] Is that a Black Emanuel at that point?

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] It's Black Emanuel in space in Rio.

[7:12] Whoa.

[7:12] Through time.

[7:13] Space Rio.

[7:14] Blame it on Space Rio.

[7:14] Minus seven equals X.

Dan McCoy

[7:18] The beginning.

[7:20] So we are.

[7:21] Versus Dracula.

[7:22] Acting.

[7:23] In the hood.

[7:24] Crazier than usual because.

[7:25] The next generation.

[7:26] This movie was two and a 45 fucking.

[7:30] Minutes long.

[7:30] This is a long movie.

Stuart Wellington

[7:32] Most of which you stayed awake for, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[7:34] Look, to my credit, I would say I stayed awake for 85% of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[7:40] Yeah, you fell asleep during the climax, which was a bunch of explosions and robots punching

[7:44] each other.

[7:45] Here's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] Robots and dinosaurs punching each other.

[7:47] Look, I'm going to drop some.

[7:48] Dino swords, if you will.

[7:49] I'm going to drop a little knowledge on you guys.

[7:52] Yeah.

[7:52] If you don't care about the people exploding, explosions are the most boring thing in the

[7:57] world.

Stuart Wellington

[7:58] You picked that up in all your years of experience?

[8:01] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:02] Lahos Igri said that in his art of dramatic writing.

Elliott Kalan

[8:04] In his book, The Art of Exploding People.

[8:08] Yeah.

[8:09] So Transformers 4, the age of extinction it's called, right?

[8:12] Yep.

[8:12] So you missed the beginning of the movie, Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[8:14] What do you think happened?

Elliott Kalan

[8:15] I thought I missed the beginning of the movie, but apparently I didn't.

Stuart Wellington

[8:18] You missed a bunch of dinosaurs running around and then getting totally splattered with metal

[8:23] goop.

[8:24] Yeah.

[8:24] We have to.

Dan McCoy

[8:25] Let's apologize briefly to our listeners because this movie was so long.

[8:30] For scheduling reasons, Elliot had to miss the very beginning of it and for sleepy reasons,

[8:34] I missed the very end of it.

[8:35] And Stuart saw the whole thing, so please pray for him.

Elliott Kalan

[8:41] So tell me what happened in the beginning.

[8:43] So 65 million years ago, we had dinosaurs on Earth.

Stuart Wellington

[8:46] I don't, I guess.

[8:48] I don't think they told us when it was happening.

Elliott Kalan

[8:50] Well, it had to have been at 65 million years ago because that's when there were dinosaurs.

Stuart Wellington

[8:54] Were those dinosaurs on our planet or a different planet?

Dan McCoy

[8:56] Those were our, why would they show another planet full of dinosaurs where Transformers arrived?

[9:01] Some kind of dinotopia.

[9:03] Although even that's on our planet.

Elliott Kalan

[9:06] Yeah, it was a savage land.

[9:08] Some kind of.

[9:08] Savage beach.

[9:09] Again, that's both on this planet.

[9:11] Savage beach has no dinosaurs in it, just topless women and ninjas.

[9:15] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[9:16] So, yeah, so you missed that and then you missed the introduction of our hero, Cade Yeager.

Elliott Kalan

[9:23] Which sounds less like a name than like, I guess, a new soda that has beer in it.

Dan McCoy

[9:30] Pop up in a Cade Yeager.

[9:32] To be fair, either of those words alone might be reasonable names.

[9:38] Cade?

[9:39] I think you're just defending your, wait.

[9:43] Cade's a little weird.

[9:44] My office mate's last name is Yeager.

[9:46] I know, Yeager is a fine.

[9:47] Chuck Yeager is a name.

Stuart Wellington

[9:48] That's Yeager's name.

[9:49] Your office mate's name Cade?

[9:52] No.

[9:52] Okay.

[9:53] Not that I.

[9:54] So, we're introduced to Cade Yeager.

Elliott Kalan

[9:55] We might as well have named him like Slad Ripchest or something like that, you know.

[10:00] Slad?

[10:00] Slad.

[10:01] Slad.

Dan McCoy

[10:02] What?

[10:02] Long muscle.

Stuart Wellington

[10:04] What?

[10:04] Birch is his first name?

[10:07] Birch.

[10:07] Schlong muscle.

Elliott Kalan

[10:09] You know what?

[10:10] We need a tough guy name.

[10:11] How about Birch?

[10:12] Of the Texas Schlong muscle.

Stuart Wellington

[10:13] What's the toughest type of tree?

[10:16] Birch, of course.

[10:17] And we want him to have a last name.

[10:19] Like, you know, a given name to reflect his profession.

[10:22] Long muscle.

Elliott Kalan

[10:24] Because he is a muscle lengthener.

[10:27] Let's talk about this movie.

Dan McCoy

[10:29] Okay.

[10:29] We are already.

Elliott Kalan

[10:31] So, after we're introduced to Cade Yeager.

[10:32] So, we're introduced to Cade Yeager, who's an inventor.

[10:33] Daughter's short shorts.

[10:34] Mark Wahlberg, who's an inventor, reprising his profession of scientist from Flophouse favorite,

[10:40] The Happening, in which he, and here's the thing.

[10:44] Mark Wahlberg is dedicated to playing a bad scientist.

[10:46] In The Happening, he's a science teacher who tells his students there are some things

[10:50] man will just never know.

[11:19] Which I think is the exact opposite of the scientist's creed.

[11:22] In this movie, he's a scientist and inventor who believes that some things just shouldn't

[11:26] be invented.

[11:27] Yeah.

[11:27] If I'm being nice, I'll say that he is a modern redo of Dr. Serizawa of the first Godzilla

[11:34] movie, who invents a weapon to destroy Godzilla, but it's too powerful for humans to keep making,

[11:40] and he kills himself rather than let anyone steal his knowledge.

[11:43] But instead, it's like if instead of killing himself to keep a weapon from being in human

[11:49] hands...

[11:50] All right, I'll handle this.

Dan McCoy

[11:52] Don't worry, guys.

[11:53] I'm on top of it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:55] You keep talking.

[11:56] I'll keep talking about Drowsy Dan figures out why his oven is making an alarm noise.

[12:01] On this, the worst episode of The Flop House.

[12:05] So rather than taking it upon himself to sacrifice his life to save the Earth from a weapon, he

[12:11] instead uses an alien sword laser to shoot an alien robot who's fighting another alien robot

[12:19] over a seed bomb that will turn the Earth into an alien robot planet.

Stuart Wellington

[12:23] And in another part, he kills a guy by hitting him with a football and then kicking him out a window.

[12:30] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] He also has a daughter who is 17.

[12:34] Uh-huh.

[12:35] And though she is not legal to have sex with, she's certainly legal for the Michael Bay audience

[12:39] to ogle.

[12:41] It's an interesting moral quandary because she has a slightly older boyfriend who keeps in

[12:46] his wallet, a laminated card explaining why the law that says it's not statutory rape that

[12:52] he's going out with a 17-year-old.

[12:54] And Mark Wahlberg spends the whole movie telling him how it's bad for him, a 20-year-old, to

[12:59] go out with a 17-year-old.

[13:00] And yet, the movie is just fine with us just seeing down her shirt and upper shorts and

[13:04] everything like that.

[13:05] Yeah, but...

Dan McCoy

[13:06] No, but yeah, it is funny.

[13:08] Like, he has the law that explains, like, look, I started dating her when we were both

[13:13] underage, so it's cool now.

[13:15] I've been grandfathered in.

Elliott Kalan

[13:16] And I've laminated it.

[13:17] I've laminated it to show anybody who doubts the justification of me inserting my penis

Stuart Wellington

[13:24] into her vagina.

[13:26] Well, that's...

[13:26] I mean, it's got to be a goof, right?

[13:27] That's meant to be, like, a joke.

[13:29] I mean, it's meant as a joke, but the character still does it.

Elliott Kalan

[13:31] Yeah, it's a creepy, creepy joke.

Stuart Wellington

[13:34] So, when that character's introduced, that signals the exit of the previously introduced

[13:38] T.J. Miller character, who plays, like, a surfer, Canadian surfer dude fellow.

Elliott Kalan

[13:42] Well, we haven't gotten yet to his exit.

[13:44] Let's just say that this is after...

[13:46] I guess in the last movie there was a fight in Chicago between a bunch of robots.

[13:49] Yeah.

[13:50] Some call them Transformers.

[13:51] I'm corroborate that.

[13:52] I call them Chang'o Robes.

[13:54] I call them GoBots.

[13:56] Because they go, and they're robots.

[13:58] Yeah.

[13:58] I call them Transformatrons, which is like Transformers, but just different enough that I can't be sued.

Dan McCoy

[14:04] I call them Roombas, which are robots that can Roomba.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] Is there any on-screen evidence that they can Roomba?

Dan McCoy

[14:14] I've set up cameras to try and capture them Roomba-ing, you know, like nanny cams.

[14:20] I haven't done it yet.

[14:22] He calls them Danny cams.

[14:25] I believe that they Roomba, but I'm not looking.

Elliott Kalan

[14:27] Okay.

[14:28] I mean, if you have no evidence to the contrary, you have to assume it's true.

[14:32] That's what Sherlock Holmes said, right?

[14:33] Yeah.

[14:34] So, the Transformers are, I guess, Autobots are allowed to just walk around and do whatever legally.

[14:40] But there's a CIA operation, a black ops group called Cemetery Wind.

[14:44] Cemetery Wind.

[14:45] Which I think is what happens when a gravedigger farts.

[14:47] Sure.

[14:49] It is a great album name.

[14:51] Yeah, Cemetery Wind.

[14:52] Yeah.

[14:53] And they are led by Kelsey Grammer, who is continuing some of the sci-fi slumming.

[14:58] He started with X-Men 3, X-Men United.

[15:01] And they're hunting down both Decepticons and Autobots because he wants to eliminate the Earth of,

[15:07] he wants to eliminate alien robot changotrons from the Earth.

[15:11] And he is-

[15:12] He's doing that with help from-

[15:13] With the help of a Transformer bounty hunter named Lockdown, who is, it looks more human than the other Transformers.

[15:21] Which is weird.

[15:22] And we, and it's like, okay, let me just get straight on one thing.

[15:27] This movie has, like, three plot lines in it, and yet somehow it felt like I was watching an entire season's worth of a Transformers show cut down to a two-hour, 45-minute movie.

[15:39] And, like, characters were jumping all over the place.

[15:41] There were things going on where I had to fill in the gaps in my mind.

[15:45] It's a hard film to follow.

[15:47] Yes.

[15:48] It's a hard film to watch and a hard film to follow.

[15:50] Because there's always things flying around on screen, like a bunch, and eventually the point where there's just cubes flying around on screen making robots before our eyes.

[15:58] In some of the worst CGI effects I think I've ever seen, maybe.

[16:04] And it has some of the most hilarious bad blue screen background effects I've seen in a movie in a long time.

[16:09] But anyway, Cade Yeager finds an old truck.

[16:12] Turns out it's Optimus Prime all beat up.

[16:14] Optimus Prime, of course, the leader of the Autobots.

[16:17] And he's a red, white, and blue patriotic truck who responds to every situation in this movie by yelling,

[16:23] I'll kill you!

[16:24] And firing a big gun at people.

[16:27] And then what's weird is, so he gives a lot of speeches about honor and freedom.

[16:33] And he expresses his honor by stabbing another robot in the back.

[16:37] And he expresses his freedom by enslaving a dinosaur robot and breaking its will so he can ride it into battle.

[16:44] But also...

[16:44] After he finds his space knight sword on Lockdown's prison ship that's floating above Chicago for reasons that we're not totally sure about since...

[16:53] Well, we haven't even gotten to that part yet.

[16:55] It's so hard to tell the plot of this movie without jumping ahead to all the crazy nonsense.

Dan McCoy

[16:58] Yeah, but also, like, just take a moment to talk about Transformers in general.

[17:04] Because this film...

[17:05] They are stupid.

[17:06] ...has a lot of the same, like, metaphysical problems that the Cars films had.

[17:11] Which is just like...

Elliott Kalan

[17:12] Uh, explain.

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Well, okay, like, alright, these Transformers, they can apparently transform into pretty much anything.

[17:20] Except for they mostly just transform back and forth between whatever car they've decided to look like and themselves a robot.

Stuart Wellington

[17:28] And most of them can fly, but they always keep turning into cars.

Elliott Kalan

[17:31] Well, and they don't...

[17:32] Even when they're in people form, they don't fly...

[17:34] At the end of the movie, Optus Prime starts flying and it's like, well, why didn't you do that at all in the whole movie?

Dan McCoy

[17:39] And sometimes they have people inside them that seem to be driving them.

[17:43] Why does that need to happen?

Elliott Kalan

[17:44] Well, I gave you my explanation while we were watching the movie that...

[17:47] They get some kind of sexual release from it?

[17:49] They get a very strong sexual pleasure from it that a robot's, for lack of a better word, clitoris...

[17:54] Sure, okay.

[17:55] ...is located in the steering wheel.

[17:57] And so you need a human to activate that.

[17:59] It's a pleasure center.

[18:00] Exactly.

[18:00] I mean, clitoris is as good a word as that.

[18:01] It has more pleasure nerves than any other part of a robot's body.

Dan McCoy

[18:06] And more pleasure nerves than a male's pleasure centers.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] Well, all the robots are men, so I don't know.

[18:13] Unless Transformer women have masculine features and voices...

Stuart Wellington

[18:19] No, I mean, in the cartoon, there was a lady bot.

Elliott Kalan

[18:24] That's the other thing that's great, is that they're robots and they're made out of metal,

[18:27] and yet they still have human features that make no sense, like a beard made out of chains.

[18:33] John Goodman voices...

[18:34] I think it's John...

[18:35] I'm pretty sure it's Gun John Goodman.

[18:36] Yeah.

[18:36] Voices a fat robot.

Stuart Wellington

[18:38] It's like, why is this robot fat?

[18:39] Yeah, as I was saying, he's like...

[18:40] This was my chance to be a skinny robot.

[18:43] Why?

[18:43] Why did the robot eat too many nuts and bolts?

Dan McCoy

[18:48] Why do I have to be typecast as fat robot?

[18:51] But also, yeah, these are robots, like, they carry around guns.

[18:56] They can't just have guns as part of them.

[19:00] But the guns are also...

Elliott Kalan

[19:00] The guns are, I think, both part of them and not.

[19:03] And there's a part at the end where Fatbot is like, I'm running out of ammo.

[19:07] And I think the ammo is their poop.

[19:10] And that's how they make it.

[19:11] Like, the physiology...

[19:13] And they make a big point in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[19:13] Yeah, their bodies are like Fremen's still suits, where it converts their waste into life-giving minerals.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Into life-giving ammo.

[19:21] And they make a point in the movie at some point of explaining that they're not really robot robots.

[19:26] They're made of some kind of organic metal that can shapeshift around and turn into anything.

[19:31] But they're alive and they have...

Stuart Wellington

[19:32] What's that metal called?

[19:33] It's called Transformium.

Elliott Kalan

[19:34] Okay.

[19:35] Right?

[19:35] That's what they call it.

Stuart Wellington

[19:36] That sounds like science.

Elliott Kalan

[19:37] But also...

[19:38] There's also a scene where...

[19:40] So, okay, let's get back to the...

[19:41] Okay.

[19:42] Mark Wahlberg finds Optimus Prime and he fixes him up with the help of goofy sidekick T.J. Miller.

[19:48] And Optimus Prime said...

[19:49] He's like, oh, he's like, I have a thing inside me.

[19:52] We call it the spark.

[19:53] It is our power source and also contains our memories.

[19:57] And Mark Wahlberg goes, we call that a soul.

[20:00] No, we don't.

[20:01] The soul is not an organ in your body that powers you and keeps your memories.

[20:04] It can almost get shot by a missile.

[20:06] Yeah, it can...

[20:07] That is a physical thing that can be shot by a missile.

Dan McCoy

[20:09] Yeah.

[20:09] It needs to be fixed.

[20:10] It needs someone to come in with a battery to give it a jump.

[20:14] Yeah, jack it up.

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] Many of us do need help repairing our souls.

[20:18] It's called faith.

[20:19] Do you have a pamphlet for me?

[20:20] I actually have a pamphlet called So You Need to Regrout Your Tiles.

[20:27] It's not about this particular subject, but it is helpful hints on how to regrout your

[20:32] tiles.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] It says something about faith in your original tile work.

[20:36] Yeah, because you don't...

[20:37] You need to regrout it instead of get linoleum, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] Or just redoing the whole bathroom.

[20:41] Okay.

[20:42] Now, have you heard the good news?

[20:44] Regrouting your tiles is easier than ever.

[20:47] That is good news.

[20:48] I have some literature I was wondering if you could look at.

[20:50] Here, take this stress test.

[20:52] I'm going to use this e-meter to measure how much grouting your tiles need.

[20:56] Ooh, they need a lot.

[20:57] You're going to need to do some testing to get these Thetans out of your grout.

Dan McCoy

[21:00] I think that would be a pretty effective religion if you started it, honestly.

[21:04] It's practical is the point.

[21:06] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[21:07] Well, we worship Bob Vila.

[21:09] Yeah.

[21:09] That's the main thing.

[21:12] Calming.

[21:12] Anyway, what did you want to say about Transformers and Cade Yeager and their souls and what they're

[21:16] made out of?

Dan McCoy

[21:17] No, it was basically what you said about how they had this spark.

[21:20] I mean, the divine spark that exists in all of us, except for their spark is a thing that

[21:25] you can see.

Elliott Kalan

[21:25] It makes me wonder if on Cybertron there's a painting by Michelangitron of God creating Optimus

[21:30] Prime and giving him the spark of life on the ceiling of the Sistine Robo Chapel.

[21:36] I can only assume that's true.

[21:38] You know, where the cyber pope lives.

[21:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:43] Okay.

[21:43] Anyway, back to the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[21:46] The CIA catches wind, cemetery wind, of Optimus Prime being at Cade Yeager's house.

[21:53] It's kind of implied that his assistant, J.T. Miller, contacted him.

[21:57] T.J. Miller.

[21:57] I always think it's J.T.

[21:59] That T.J. Miller.

Stuart Wellington

[21:59] Because he liked Justin Taylor Thomas and you mentioned Tool Time earlier.

[22:02] No, Bob Vila, my mistake.

Elliott Kalan

[22:04] Bob Vila was on Tool Time once.

[22:06] You remember, Tim Allen tried to stump him by planting a question from a caller, really

[22:11] his wife, about an old medieval weapon, a medieval tool.

[22:14] It turns out it's an ads.

[22:17] Bob Vila knew exactly what it was.

[22:19] So, for those keeping score at home, I have trouble remembering my family's birthdays,

[22:23] but I remember this plot of this fucking home improvement episode that I saw once.

[22:31] My brain is terrible.

[22:32] Anyway, so the CIA show, but it's never made explicitly clear as far as I can tell.

Stuart Wellington

[22:37] Are you talking about home improvement still?

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] Is this what it's like to not drink?

[22:42] No.

Dan McCoy

[22:43] When he says it's never made explicitly clear, he means the plot of the entire movie.

[22:48] Yeah, everything in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] That Miller was the one who called the CIA.

[22:52] But the point is, the CIA show up.

[22:53] There's a big shootout with Optimus Prime.

Dan McCoy

[22:56] Titus Welliver shows up.

[22:57] Do you remember him as the bad, weird, metaphysical dude from the end of Lost?

[23:02] I don't remember that.

[23:04] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[23:04] Anyway, there's a big chase.

[23:06] We're introduced to Mark Wahlberg's daughter's boyfriend, Shane, who is a race car driver,

[23:11] who just got picked up by Red Bull, he says, but nobody seems to recognize him throughout the movie.

[23:16] They also have a secret trick that they do with the car where he steers and the girlfriend operates the gear shift.

[23:24] I think it's the pull brake.

[23:27] Oh, maybe.

[23:28] And they spin around to go off a ramp and it never gets used again.

[23:32] So that's one of those things where they're like, here's a skill these characters have.

[23:35] We're going to plant it here and then ignore it for the rest of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[23:38] Yeah, they introduce him as being an awesome driver and then he basically never drives again.

[23:42] Yeah.

[23:42] And of course, Miller for his sins is turning into some kind of robo statue.

[23:46] It's like in the second gunslinger novel where the gunslinger loses his thumbs and can't shoot his guns.

Dan McCoy

[23:51] His gun thumbs.

[23:52] That happens?

[23:53] Oh, sorry.

[23:54] Uh-oh.

[23:55] I mean, I've read up to like, I feel like there's only two of those novels that I haven't read.

Elliott Kalan

[24:01] You read up to the sentence where it says, and then his thumbs were, and then you put it down and you didn't pick it up again.

[24:06] I think he actually only loses one of his films.

[24:08] But they do.

Stuart Wellington

[24:09] He shoots people after that.

[24:10] I don't remember him that well.

[24:11] Let's get one thing straight.

[24:12] I turned off when I found out Stephen King was going to star in him later on.

Elliott Kalan

[24:16] Let's get one thing straight.

[24:17] This movie is about two things.

[24:19] Big robots punching each other and cars chasing each other.

[24:22] There's a lot of car chases and sometimes those car chases inexplicably end in people getting out of cars as explosions blow up around them.

[24:29] This car chase is one of them.

[24:31] There's a lot of times in this movie where things are blowing up and I'm not quite sure why they're blowing up.

[24:36] It just seems like the Transformers universe is one where...

Dan McCoy

[24:38] Oxygen plus fuel plus heat equals fire.

[24:43] Thanks.

[24:43] So there you go.

Elliott Kalan

[24:44] Thanks, Professor Wizard.

[24:48] Thanks, Mr. Science Guy.

Dan McCoy

[24:50] That's Professor Wizard is, yeah, like Dumbledore, I guess.

[24:54] Because he works at a school.

Elliott Kalan

[24:56] He works at a school.

[24:57] He runs the school, Dan.

[25:00] Yeah, like Steve Jobs worked at Apple.

Dan McCoy

[25:03] He's like the custodian, right?

[25:05] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[25:06] He works in admissions.

[25:08] He worked his way up from custodian to dean.

[25:10] I mean, if you call a job you love working, then yeah, I guess he worked at Hogwarts.

Elliott Kalan

[25:16] The Transformers seem to exist in a universe where Gambit stopped by and charged up every object so that you just need to nudge it and it explodes.

Dan McCoy

[25:24] Yeah, and as you pointed out, the Transformers are constantly hitting each other and exploding and little bits of them are flying off.

[25:32] But it does not seem to affect their ability to be a live robot.

Elliott Kalan

[25:37] Yeah, there's like a spray of shrapnel and screws.

[25:39] It's like if you saw a movie starring people where every punch knocked like 30 teeth out of their mouth.

[25:45] And then they went and had dinner and they're just eating steak and things like that.

[25:48] The Transformers take, at one point, Optimus Prime is...

Stuart Wellington

[25:51] I kind of wish there was a scene in this movie where a Transformer sat down for two minutes.

Elliott Kalan

[25:55] At the end, Optimus Prime is impaled with a giant sword and he's pretty much fine.

[26:00] He's kind of like the girlfriend in Cloverfield who's impaled on that rebar or whatever it is.

[26:05] And they just slide her off and she's okay for the rest of the movie.

[26:08] But the good guys escape and it leads to a game of...

Stuart Wellington

[26:11] Ellie, real quick, how can you tell which robot is stronger than the other robots?

Elliott Kalan

[26:17] Well...

[26:17] Is it the paint job?

[26:19] It seems to be whoever needs to win a fight for the purposes of that scene.

[26:23] Okay.

[26:23] Because there are times when the bad guys are stronger than the good guys and times when the good guys are stronger than the bad guys.

[26:28] Just like real life.

[26:29] They introduce some...

[26:30] Yeah.

[26:33] It's deep, Dan.

[26:33] It's very deep.

[26:34] They introduce the Dinobots later on.

[26:36] Spoiler.

[26:36] And the Dinobots are terrifyingly strong until the movie needs them to be weak.

[26:40] In which case they spend a lot of time tripping over their own feet and falling down.

[26:43] Falling at the ground.

[26:44] Just falling off of buildings over and over again.

[26:47] Like there's a bunch of robo-banana peels strewn about for them to slip on.

[26:51] Anyway, a game of cat and mouse ensues between the CIA and Cade Yeager and pals.

[26:56] This is totally pointless.

[26:59] Because then Cade Yeager decides to sneak into KSI.

[27:03] A corporation that is making new Transformers out of the bodies of old Transformers and is run by...

[27:10] Stanley Tucci.

[27:11] Yep.

[27:13] I wish he decided to let the character as an over-the-top Italian.

Stuart Wellington

[27:17] It's going to be when he wins his Academy Award for this role and they announce his victory.

[27:23] He's going to crawl over Roberto.

[27:24] He walks over all the seats.

Elliott Kalan

[27:26] I make love to all of your face.

[27:28] Mangiorno Transformer press.

[27:31] Life is a Transformer beautiful.

[27:34] Hey, he's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[27:36] Et cetera.

[27:37] But he doesn't seem to necessarily be evil.

[27:40] He's just interested in harnessing Transformer technology.

Elliott Kalan

[27:44] He seems pretty evil at first.

[27:47] All he cares about is Transformer technology.

[27:49] He sees them as things that he can rip apart.

[27:53] He's torturing one of them, this tiny little irritating guy, to get information about Transformers.

[27:58] There's always a racist voice.

Dan McCoy

[27:58] Yeah.

[27:59] There's always a racist voice Transformer.

Elliott Kalan

[28:02] We meet some of the other Transformers who are just hiding out in the desert, I guess, behind a bunch of boots and things like that.

[28:08] And maces.

[28:09] Yeah.

[28:10] And they are Fat Bot, the fat robot who fires guns a lot.

[28:14] Yep.

[28:14] There's Samurai Bot, the samurai robot.

[28:17] Yeah, he's a Japanese robot for some reason.

[28:19] And there's the robot with the trench coat and kind of like a Jason Statham type accent.

[28:24] Yep.

[28:24] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[28:24] And John DiMaggio is doing like a British.

[28:29] I wish he had done Benner's voice.

Elliott Kalan

[28:30] Is John DiMaggio tired of being typecast as a robot?

[28:35] Probably.

[28:36] When everyone knows the part he was born to play was the secret son of Joe DiMaggio.

[28:40] Why is it a secret?

[28:44] And Bumblebee's there.

Stuart Wellington

[28:46] Because, and Bumblebee, who is a car.

Elliott Kalan

[28:49] Fan favorite, Bumblebee.

Stuart Wellington

[28:51] Weirdly enough, is the easiest to understand of all the robots.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] Let me say this about Transformers real quick, just to interject.

[28:59] When I was a kid, I loved the Transformers.

[29:01] Okay.

[29:01] But I apparently did not love them enough to remember almost any of the characters.

[29:05] So I don't know if these characters are from the cartoon series.

[29:08] I don't know if they're from like the Marvel Comics series.

[29:11] I mean, Bumblebee is.

Stuart Wellington

[29:12] Bumblebee has always been like the main character.

Elliott Kalan

[29:13] Like the characters I remember are like Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Starscream.

[29:17] Is that a guy?

[29:18] Yep.

[29:19] Grimlock.

[29:20] Yeah, sure.

[29:20] And that one that turned into a boombox and the other guy who turned into a tape that went in the boombox.

[29:25] Which one?

[29:25] The bad one?

Dan McCoy

[29:26] Swimbox and Crunch Flakes.

[29:29] There was a Crunch Flakes.

[29:32] There was Juice Box.

Stuart Wellington

[29:33] Doctor Transform Salon.

[29:36] Weirdly enough, not a doctor robot.

[29:38] No, no, no.

[29:38] Well, he was a doctor of English literature.

[29:40] Oh, man.

[29:41] Yeah.

[29:41] He drove a, he was a bookmobile?

[29:43] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:44] He transformed into a bookmobile.

Dan McCoy

[29:46] Yeah.

[29:46] Here's the thing about the Transformers.

[29:47] Like of all of those 80s cartoons that were designed to like sell toys.

[29:53] Toys.

Elliott Kalan

[29:53] In this case, were designed around pre-existing Japanese toys.

Dan McCoy

[29:56] Like Transformers were a brilliant toy line that then once you tried to like turn into a story didn't make any sense.

Elliott Kalan

[30:05] I'll tell you, they were better than that toy line where it was robots that transformed into rocks.

[30:08] Do you remember those?

[30:09] Yeah, those weren't Transformers.

[30:11] No, no.

[30:11] It was a different toy line.

[30:12] And when they were not transformed, they looked like crazy monsters.

[30:15] But then they just turned into rocks.

[30:17] Yeah.

[30:18] Which is not so exciting.

Dan McCoy

[30:19] You know, like it's great.

[30:20] When you're a kid, it's great to play with a toy where it's like, oh, this is a vehicle.

[30:25] And then it transforms into a robot.

[30:26] But then when you try to justify that with a story, everything falls apart.

Stuart Wellington

[30:30] The idea is that these robots have to hide amongst us or else we'll be frightened and I guess destroy them or something.

[30:36] That's why that one turns into a giant boombox.

[30:40] Because if you just saw that on the street, you'd be like, oh, yeah, that's that giant boombox that keeps moving around.

Elliott Kalan

[30:47] That Klaus Oldenburg sculpture of a giant boombox.

[30:51] I think there's certain things that.

Dan McCoy

[30:53] It's that dinosaur that's always around.

Elliott Kalan

[30:59] A robot.

[31:00] Oh, no.

[31:00] Thank goodness.

[31:01] It's just that Tyrannosaurus like you'd see on an ordinary street.

[31:09] Don't find me.

[31:11] A robot.

[31:12] Oh, no.

[31:12] It's just a giant gun big enough for a giant robot to use.

[31:16] Here's the thing about cartoons and movies.

[31:18] I'll just say it right here.

[31:20] There are certain things that I will buy in a children's cartoon, such as robots from outer space that transform into cars.

[31:27] Befriend children are in a battle with bad robots from space that transform into cars that I will not buy in a live action film.

[31:34] But I do love how – I don't think there's any way to do a Transformers movie where I'm going to buy into the premise in a live action sense.

[31:42] Yeah.

[31:42] But I do love that adult humans had to stand in front of a camera and say things like activating Gravitron and stuff like that.

[31:50] And that Kelsey Grammer had to talk – they're like, I don't want any alien robots on my planet.

Stuart Wellington

[31:55] And he has to say, tell me where Optimus Prime is.

Elliott Kalan

[31:58] I went from –

Dan McCoy

[32:02] And he was like, I was in downed periscope.

Elliott Kalan

[32:06] I was a boss.

[32:07] There's a – here's the thing.

[32:10] Again.

[32:11] When I was a kid, it bothered me when grownups were in these movies and they were like, whatever, it's some stupid cartoon thing.

[32:17] Like Jeremy Irons in the D&D movie?

[32:19] Yeah.

[32:19] But now, I love that stuff.

[32:21] I love thinking about these adult actors reading the scripts and being like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing in this thing.

Dan McCoy

[32:26] I don't know, but it'll buy me a car.

Elliott Kalan

[32:28] And sometimes when you have a guy like Stanley Tucci to get back to where we were before, he manages to bring a level of ham to it that's very enjoyable.

[32:35] Yeah.

[32:36] So Stanley Tucci is the head of this company where they're making new robots out of Transformium.

Stuart Wellington

[32:41] He introduces that idea by picking up a ball of Transformium that looks like an egg.

[32:46] And then it flies around a lot like shitty Lawnmower Man CGI.

[32:51] Yeah.

[32:51] And they're all going, ooh, ah.

[32:53] And we, the audience, are just cracking up.

Elliott Kalan

[32:55] It looks hilarious.

[32:56] Terrible.

[32:56] It looks like the CGI demo that they'd package with like a video you bought in the early 90s, the late 80s.

[33:05] It looks like a bad screensaver.

[33:07] Yeah.

[33:07] You expect just a shitload of pipes and flying toasters to come out of it.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:12] Not to say that was a bad screensaver.

Stuart Wellington

[33:13] Clippy the clip art guy should have shown up and complained about how shitty it was.

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] He showed up in the corner of the screen and said, it looks like you need help making this movie.

[33:22] Maybe make it less shitty.

[33:25] They, for some reason, they're able to, they decide to infiltrate KSI, this company.

[33:32] But Bumblebee gets mad because there's all these promotional videos that are being projected on walls where they're just shit talking about Bumblebee.

[33:41] They made a promotional video where scientists and a model are like, it's based on the plans for Bumblebee, our new robot, Stinger.

[33:48] But Bumblebee was very bad.

[33:51] He was a crappy robot.

[33:52] In fact, he was the junkiest of the junk bots.

[33:55] And Bumblebee takes it personally, of course, because they're literally calling him out.

[33:59] And it's also another thing where it's like, the same way that there's something funny about how in the Marvel Universe, Wolverine is now just a character that regular people know of.

[34:08] That like, in the Transformers Universe, the average person is expected to know who Bumblebee is.

[34:13] Or like, that Optimus Prime.

[34:16] That Optimus Prime.

Elliott Kalan

[34:16] That what?

[34:18] They're just reporters going up to people on the street going, excuse me, what do you feel about what Bumblebee said about the economy?

[34:24] That like, Optimus Prime is a name that a normal person would hear and would read in the newspaper.

Stuart Wellington

[34:29] The hashtag Bumblebee sucks is trending.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] Now I want to read like a New York Times article about the events where it's like, Mr. Prime stated that he and Mr.

[34:41] What's the bad guy Decepticon?

[34:44] KD Ager.

[34:44] No, no, the bad guy Decepticon.

[34:46] Megatron.

[34:47] Galvatron.

[34:48] No, but Galvatron is.

[34:50] Omnicron.

[34:52] Cronomon.

[34:54] Bon-chan.

Dan McCoy

[34:57] Onanist.

[34:57] Wait, hold on.

[34:58] No, that's a different thing.

Elliott Kalan

[35:00] Anyway, they.

[35:01] Prom.

[35:03] Prom.

[35:04] Prom-bot.

[35:06] Prom-bones-bot.

[35:09] Senior Prom-bot.

[35:11] Okay.

[35:11] And Mitt-Rombot.

[35:12] Now, so here's the thing.

[35:14] I've been saying here's the thing a lot because I'm trying to figure out what the thing is about this movie.

[35:18] There's another car chain.

[35:19] There is no thing in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[35:21] It's empty at its core.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] There's another fight.

[35:23] It turns out they're trying to make a robot called Galvatron who is also a big, big rig truck.

[35:30] Yeah.

[35:30] Because what better way to defend America and the Earth than to have a big rig truck that turns into a robot.

[35:37] But they lose control of Galvatron because it turns out he's actually a reborn Megatron.

[35:44] I cannot remember these names.

[35:49] It turns out he's actually a reborn Tron legacy.

[35:52] It turns out Megatron legacy, the quickening, has played Stanley Tucci into making a new, better body for him.

[36:00] And he uses.

Dan McCoy

[36:01] A body that.

[36:02] Sort of like Ultron, huh?

Elliott Kalan

[36:03] Yeah.

[36:04] In a way.

[36:05] I mean, Ultron makes his own bodies.

Stuart Wellington

[36:07] Okay.

[36:07] So it's better than the other Transformers because they cut out the middleman.

[36:12] When it transforms from a truck to like a robot man body, it turns into this cloud of swirling little boxes.

[36:19] Yeah.

[36:19] It's like a nanobot swarm.

[36:21] But they're really big.

[36:22] They're like macro nanobots.

[36:23] Like giant cubes.

[36:24] And it flies around, which makes me wonder, why do they even turn into anything?

[36:28] Like Rubik's the Magic Cube.

Elliott Kalan

[36:28] Why do they just fly around like a bunch of these magic cubes?

[36:31] The Magic Cube was like a little alien that came out when you solved the cube.

[36:34] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:34] And then he mostly turned into like a Ferrari or something.

[36:37] Yeah.

[36:38] Because why not?

Elliott Kalan

[36:39] Because the kid was driving him.

[36:41] Yeah.

[36:42] They solved crimes.

[36:43] Witch kid.

[36:44] Yeah.

[36:44] The witch kid.

[36:45] The kid who's a witch.

[36:47] Not to be confused with this.

[36:48] His name's Harry Potter.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] I thought Harry Potter was a wizard.

[36:52] I mean, it's the same thing, dude.

[36:54] They're totally different.

[36:55] I seem to remember someone saying, you're a wizard, Harry.

[36:59] One of them's a Julian.

Elliott Kalan

[37:01] Yeah.

[37:01] So Galvatron is really Megatron.

[37:04] And he's made out of a cloud of cubes.

[37:06] And you're saying, why bother to be a truck or a man when you can be a cloud of cubes all the time?

Stuart Wellington

[37:12] The other day I was watching.

[37:13] They should have called him Cubatron.

[37:15] Cuba Gooding Junior Tron.

[37:16] The other day I was watching this TV show with my wife about makeup artists.

[37:21] And it showed the back of a guy with a long white ponytail.

[37:24] And all the makeup artists got super excited.

[37:26] And I'm like, Charlene, it's got to be Julian Sands.

[37:30] And it turned out it was Rick Baker.

[37:32] But that was a moment where she got a glimpse into how cool her husband is.

[37:38] Like, they're all geeking out because it's the guy from Warlock.

Elliott Kalan

[37:43] Cool is the word I was going to use.

[37:45] Yeah.

[37:47] We really got to skip to the end of this.

[37:49] Then there's a big fight.

[37:49] We're taking a long time.

[37:50] Then there's another big fight.

[37:51] It turns out Lockatron is trying to get Optimus Primatron because he's a bounty hunter working for the creators of the Transformers who want to take the Transformers back for some reason.

[38:03] It turns out there was some breed of Transformer.

[38:05] It's been a recall.

[38:06] Mystical.

[38:07] It's some faulty parts.

[38:08] It's a faulty soul.

[38:10] If you rear-end Optimus Prime, he's just going to blow up.

[38:14] Yeah, because everything in the movie blows up all the time.

[38:17] If you look at something weird in the movie, it blows up.

[38:20] So here's where there are two plots that diverge and converge seemingly at random.

[38:24] Where Lawbot...

[38:26] And which one you take.

[38:27] That will make all the difference.

[38:29] I took the plot less traveled by, which was the one out of this movie.

[38:33] Yeah.

[38:34] Dog the Bounty Hunter Tron from outer space is trying to collect these knights of the Robosphere or something like that, of which Optimus Prime is one.

[38:43] So he kidnaps him, and the heroes have to go save him.

[38:47] Meanwhile, at the same time, and Mark Wahlberg's daughter also gets kidnapped, meaning that they now get to wander through a H.R. Geiger to the point where it's close enough that H.R. Geiger can't sue them.

[38:59] Yeah, but it's still pretty close.

[39:00] Beyond the grave!

[39:01] If anyone could do it, it's H.R. Geiger.

[39:03] Yeah.

[39:04] He'd come back as some sort of sexual, mechanico-organic construct.

[39:08] Like a robot penis.

[39:11] Like the gun that comes out of Lockdown Bot's face.

[39:14] It would be the robot penis from the end of Tetsuo, the Iron Man, would come charging at you, and then it would hand you legal papers and say,

[39:22] You got served.

[39:23] Show up in court, you're being sued for copyright infringement.

[39:26] Yeah.

[39:26] Now, at the same time, Gravomega Galvatron is looking for a thing called the Seed, which Stanley Tucci has control of somehow.

[39:36] Because, let's just say one thing.

[39:38] Objects and characters in this movie appear and disappear at random, depending on when they're needed.

[39:42] There's a woman who works for Stanley Tucci who disappears for a long period of the movie and then is suddenly just with him, running around.

[39:49] And you're like, wait, was he carrying her in his pocket?

[39:51] Like, was she taking a nap inside of his ear?

[39:55] Like, how did...

Stuart Wellington

[39:55] She's like Elvis in True Romance, kind of giving him advice.

Elliott Kalan

[39:59] Yeah, yeah.

[40:00] She doesn't actually exist.

[40:01] Does she exist or is she just a projection?

[40:02] Is she a Tyler Durden type figure?

Dan McCoy

[40:04] Played by Sophia Miles, by the way, who I remember from.

Elliott Kalan

[40:07] Sorry.

[40:07] Sorry to spoil Fight Club.

Dan McCoy

[40:09] I remember from Terry Zweigoff's failed follow-up, Art School Confidential.

[40:15] Ah, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[40:16] Great Adam Scott performance in that one.

[40:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:19] Is there such a thing as a not great Adam Scott performance?

[40:22] Call us Adam Scott.

[40:23] Call in.

[40:24] Call into the program.

[40:25] Tell us if you have an idea of what your worst performance is.

[40:27] Anyway, so, Mega Galvatron wants the seed which will turn all...

[40:33] Which will explode with the power of a tactical nuke and turn people into metal for Transformers to eat.

[40:38] People, dinosaurs, whoever.

[40:41] Optimus Prime is captured in a ship hovering over Chicago, which they're like...

[40:46] The engines are set to go in nine minutes.

[40:48] We've got to save him.

[40:49] Fifteen minutes later, that ship has gone nowhere.

[40:51] And then it's still running around inside it trying to find Optimus Prime.

[40:54] The two plot lines converge in Hong Kong, where the good guys fight a bunch of Decepticons,

[41:01] while Optimus Prime beats down...

[41:03] I think it means sweating.

[41:04] Beats down a Tyrannosaurus robot.

Dan McCoy

[41:06] That's where Optimus Prime is like, I've got to call upon the power of dinosaurs.

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] That's the other thing.

[41:13] Characters in the movie state what they're doing in the blandest...

[41:18] There's a part where Optimus Prime says, now to show them why we're here.

[41:23] And that we're here, and what we're doing, or something like that.

[41:25] That's his battle cry.

[41:28] Later on, at the end he goes, there are many questions we're not meant to answer,

[41:32] but why we are here is not one of them.

[41:34] Really?

[41:35] That seems like the main question that's never going to get answered.

[41:38] There's a big fight, all the bad guys are defeated, hooray.

Dan McCoy

[41:42] Yeah, I fall asleep somewhere in here.

Elliott Kalan

[41:44] The good guys all work together to defeat the bounty hunter.

Stuart Wellington

[41:48] When he let the Dinobots free, he said, the legend is true in a completely different language.

[41:56] I'm assuming Japanese.

[41:57] With a subtitle.

Elliott Kalan

[41:58] But also, what legend of Dinobots had we heard about before this?

Stuart Wellington

[42:03] The legend of the trailer of Transformers Age of Extinction.

[42:07] The legend of the cardboard stand-em-up in the lobby.

Elliott Kalan

[42:11] The big billboard in Times Square that had Optimus Prime riding a dinosaur on it.

[42:15] Yeah.

[42:15] Here's...

Stuart Wellington

[42:16] And that's like over two hours into the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[42:19] Oh, the Dinobots don't show up until the last scene.

Stuart Wellington

[42:22] The opening of the movie is a bunch of dinosaurs getting covered in metal and turning to ash or some shit.

[42:27] So you assume you're immediately like, oh my god, it's going to be all dinosaurs and robots.

Elliott Kalan

[42:32] These dinosaurs must be really important to the plot.

[42:33] They certainly can't just be another added weapon that the heroes use at the last minute for a little bit,

[42:39] and then forget about because when Optimus Prime wins,

[42:43] the Dinobots are just allowed to wander off freely.

[42:46] So there's these enormous thousand-foot dinosaur robots just walking the earth doing whatever.

[42:51] I think one of the other...

[42:52] Looking for employment.

Stuart Wellington

[42:54] One of the other robots is like, I'll ride with you anytime.

[42:58] Like, how about forever?

[42:59] And now, why don't you watch those guys?

Elliott Kalan

[43:01] Make sure they don't eat any humans.

[43:03] And all throughout this, there's like characters chasing other characters.

[43:06] Things are exploding.

[43:07] People are yelling.

[43:08] The shots don't always match up.

[43:10] You have to figure out information that should be just told to you.

[43:14] While there's information you know that's told to you over and over again,

[43:17] like if the characters run into an elevator to escape someone who's shooting a gun at them,

[43:20] they go, an elevator!

[43:22] The elevator door won't close!

[43:24] We've got to get out of this elevator!

[43:25] I'll get out of the elevator!

[43:26] And like, a giant magnet starts pulling up all the cars in Hong Kong to get the Transformers.

[43:32] And they're like, a magnet!

[43:34] The magnet's still pulling us!

[43:35] Get in the car!

[43:36] The magnet's pulling the car!

[43:38] Like we're watching a...

[43:39] Like we're listening to a radio show.

[43:40] Yeah.

[43:40] They've got to marry what they're doing.

Stuart Wellington

[43:41] It seems like it's this unstoppable weapon.

[43:44] And then all of a sudden Optimus Prime just shoots it a couple times and they're totally like,

[43:48] oh, it's done.

[43:49] They won the day.

[43:49] And it blows up the entire bad guy spaceship.

Elliott Kalan

[43:51] Yeah.

[43:51] And so at the end, Optimus Prime leaves them and says,

[43:55] your family is great.

[43:56] Defend them forever.

[43:58] And Mark Wahlberg and his daughter, any conflict they had is settled.

[44:02] Which just shows, Joe, if you're a father having a son connecting with your daughter,

[44:06] go on a three-hour adventure where you're fighting robots and everything will be fine.

[44:10] Yeah.

[44:10] And Optimus Prime flies off into space to confront his creators to tell them Earth is off limits.

[44:16] Because why not steal the end of Prometheus while you're at it?

[44:18] Sure, go ahead.

[44:19] So Transformers 5.

Dan McCoy

[44:21] But anyway.

[44:23] Optimus.

[44:24] So Transformers.

[44:24] Trans-5-ers.

[44:26] Fast-5 formers.

[44:28] Much like this movie.

[44:30] Freddy got formered.

[44:31] We've run long.

[44:32] So I think we need to skip to final judgments.

[44:35] Whether this is a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie kind of like.

[44:38] I'm going to start and say that for like an hour and 20 minutes, I was like,

[44:47] this is kind of stupid fun.

[44:48] Because like, here's the thing about Michael Bay.

[44:52] Like, he makes terrible movies.

[44:55] But there's something about his bombast I sometimes find charming.

Elliott Kalan

[44:58] Now, while we were watching the movie, you were arguing the point that Michael Bay is a craftsman.

[45:02] Whereas I would say he is just lord of the hacks.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] I was in market.

[45:06] I was not.

Elliott Kalan

[45:07] He's the best of the hacks.

[45:08] You compared him to like an Italian shoemaker.

[45:11] That's not true.

[45:11] Or like, I think you used the word Stradivarius of action at one point.

Dan McCoy

[45:14] None of these things came.

[45:16] By craftsman, if I use that word, I just meant that he applies more like.

[45:22] He has a light touch.

[45:24] He is subtle and elegant.

Elliott Kalan

[45:26] No, I.

[45:26] Every, I think what you're saying is he has a lot of technical.

[45:30] He has a lot of technical skill that a lot of other hacks do not have.

[45:33] He has a lot of technical skill when it comes to bags of tricks.

[45:36] Slow-mo, shooting shots, backlit or at dusk or dawn.

[45:41] Like, things flying around a lot.

[45:43] What he doesn't have is craft of this shot.

[45:45] Of coherence.

[45:46] Matches to this shot.

[45:47] No, no, that's.

[45:47] Now we know the character went from here to there.

Dan McCoy

[45:49] This is where I'm going.

[45:50] Like, he has a lot of bombast.

[45:53] There's something.

[45:53] Irma bombast.

[45:54] There's something kind of charming about that for a while.

[45:56] It's almost over.

Stuart Wellington

[45:57] He needs one more piece and then I'll have the entire puzzle.

Dan McCoy

[46:00] There's something kind of charming for that for a while.

[46:03] Like, listening to, like, a John Phillips Sousa march.

[46:05] But you don't want to, like.

[46:06] You don't want to hear, like.

[46:07] Okay.

[46:08] Three fucking hours of, like, a Sousa march at top volume.

Elliott Kalan

[46:12] Well, you wouldn't hear the same march.

[46:13] It would be a concert of different Sousa marches.

Dan McCoy

[46:15] With Michael Bay, you're hearing the same Sousa march for three hours.

[46:20] And so, by the end of it.

[46:22] Or not even by the end.

[46:23] Like, by.

[46:24] Like, 40 minutes in.

[46:26] One third in.

[46:26] I'm like, okay, all coherence to this story is lost.

[46:30] And now I have no interest in what's happening.

Elliott Kalan

[46:32] That's why I'm going to say, if you watch this movie in three pieces.

[46:35] Yeah.

[46:35] It would be a good, bad movie.

[46:37] That's true.

[46:37] Because it's crazily stupid.

[46:39] I don't know that I've ever seen a movie this dumb.

[46:42] And I've seen dumb movies.

[46:44] But this movie is super dumb.

[46:46] In a way that, like.

[46:47] I haven't seen other Transformers movies.

[46:49] It's a long time since I've seen a new Michael Bay movie.

[46:51] Because he's been making Transformers movies for a while.

[46:53] But this movie reaches a level of stupid.

[46:55] That I found very entertaining to make fun of.

[46:59] But it's long.

[47:00] So you'd have to watch it in like three pieces.

[47:02] You know.

Stuart Wellington

[47:03] Do you read?

[47:03] Yeah.

[47:04] I mean, it's tough to say.

[47:05] Because this is basically like.

[47:08] Like a three hour long movie trailer.

[47:10] Yeah.

[47:11] Like a lot of cuts.

[47:13] A lot of like shots from down below.

[47:15] Looking up at you.

[47:17] All kinds of shit.

[47:18] It doesn't really make any sense.

[47:20] And it ends up not even being that much fun.

[47:23] So I would say.

[47:24] Bad, bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[47:27] All right.

[47:28] So we actually have a few sponsors.

[47:31] Tonight.

[47:32] For the podcast.

[47:34] I have a very special sponsor.

[47:36] So I think maybe I'll go last.

[47:37] Sure.

[47:38] Do one of you guys.

Stuart Wellington

[47:40] Yeah.

[47:40] I'll jump in.

[47:41] Tonight, guys.

[47:42] The Flophouse is supported in part by Audible.com.

[47:45] The internet's leading provider of spoken audio information.

[47:48] Entertainment.

[47:50] And infotainment.

[47:52] Audible is offering Flophouse listeners a free audio book.

[47:55] And a free 30 day trial membership.

[47:57] Go to audiblepodcast.com.

[47:59] Slash Flophouse.

[48:01] That way you can get a free audio book of your choice.

[48:03] Now at audiblepodcast.com.

[48:05] Slash Flophouse.

[48:06] It is the.

[48:07] It's the website of choice.

[48:09] Of the real Flophousewives of Kings County's book club.

[48:13] Hey.

Dan McCoy

[48:14] What are you.

[48:15] What are those housewives reading right now?

[48:17] Do you know?

Stuart Wellington

[48:17] I don't know.

[48:18] Something my wife's complaining about.

[48:19] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[48:20] It's a Meg Wurlitzer novel.

[48:21] All right.

[48:22] And that I think that my wife chose.

[48:24] And I think the other wives are not happy about it.

[48:27] But I say, yeah.

[48:28] Listen to it and call an audible.

[48:30] Audible.com that is.

Stuart Wellington

[48:31] I hear that they're movies for your mind.

Elliott Kalan

[48:33] No, that's a book on tape.

Stuart Wellington

[48:35] Oh, okay.

[48:36] I only read that.

[48:36] I've never heard that.

[48:37] This is an audible book on tape, which is different.

[48:41] Okay.

[48:41] Right?

[48:42] Yeah.

[48:43] Yeah.

[48:43] It's not a movie for your mind.

[48:44] It's a guy reading a book.

[48:45] I guess so.

[48:46] Sometimes it's the author.

[48:48] Other times it's a celebrity.

[48:49] But there's no tape.

[48:50] It's like a file.

[48:51] Sometimes it's Powers Booth.

[48:54] Point is, if you go to Audible, you get a...

[48:57] Yeah.

[48:57] You get a free audio book of your choice at audiblepodcast.com.

[49:02] But not a tape.

[49:04] No, I think it's a digital file.

[49:06] Okay.

[49:07] That's just what I want to do.

[49:07] Although, I guess you can record it to tape if you have that technology.

[49:12] Well, yeah.

[49:12] If you're a transformer or something.

Elliott Kalan

[49:13] Like a big boombox with a little robot tape in it.

[49:16] Yeah.

[49:16] Hey, another sponsor is Squarespace.

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Dan McCoy

[50:01] And lastly, this is an ad.

[50:05] I'll call it...

[50:06] This is dear to your heart.

[50:07] Very personal.

[50:08] Well, I would call it an ad for...

[50:09] It's a product you use.

[50:10] A friend of the show.

[50:12] And so it's for...

[50:15] Now, look.

[50:16] We all love dildos, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[50:19] I think I'm not going to buy into this premise.

Dan McCoy

[50:22] Who doesn't love a good dildo?

[50:24] If you say so, I guess.

[50:27] What's the main problem with dildos?

[50:29] They're not open source enough.

[50:31] I don't...

[50:32] I'll explain what that means.

[50:34] Have you ever wanted your dildo to be more open source?

[50:38] Well, the good people at CoMingle have done it.

[50:41] Like a wiki dildo?

Dan McCoy

[50:44] They got a campaign going on right now for their multi-vibrating open source dildo platform.

[50:51] Which means you can program this fucking dildo.

[50:55] To do what?

[50:56] To do your homework?

[50:58] To bring me a beer?

[50:59] You're going to...

[51:00] Look.

Elliott Kalan

[51:00] Remind me when my grandma's birthday is, dildo.

Dan McCoy

[51:04] What you do is you hook this dildo up to whatever sensor you want to.

[51:09] You can control it by squeezing a stuffed animal.

[51:12] You can control it by the movement of a whip you might hit your partner with.

[51:16] You can control it with your own pulse or the very thrusting you do in and out of your partner.

[51:24] Or just...

[51:25] You can hook this dildo up to Skype and the dildo responds to Skype stimuli.

[51:34] So at CoMingle, that's C-O-M-I-N-G-L-E dot I-O, we have been hard at work for over a year and a half, they say, to bring you our flagship product, the MOD, a multi-vibrating open source dildo platform.

[51:54] It's body-safe silicone, it's gender neutral.

[51:57] Now that's a cool MOD.

[51:59] And you can control it with whatever sensor you like.

[52:04] So start imagining your fantastic use for the MOD today, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[52:09] So I want to thank all our sponsors, Squish Face Audible, for the last time that I think they'll be buying space from us.

Dan McCoy

[52:15] There's a little more.

Elliott Kalan

[52:17] This is quite a pitch for this dildo, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[52:20] Well, they want you to go to CoMingle.io to contribute to the Indiegogo campaign.

[52:26] Okay, cool.

[52:27] And purchase your own MOD dildo while supplies last.

[52:31] Now, look.

[52:33] The, uh...

[52:34] Is there...

[52:35] Wait, this is part two?

[52:36] The people behind...

[52:37] The people behind this open source dildo.

[52:40] They've given us a few examples.

[52:42] Uh-oh.

[52:44] Say...

Elliott Kalan

[52:45] I'll see you guys later.

[52:47] Say for Elliot.

[52:49] Gonna go now.

Dan McCoy

[52:50] Say for Elliot.

[52:51] Elliot wants to program his dildo to respond as he pleases.

[52:56] Elliot's dildo, say, could be hooked up to a microphone to make his sultry letter songs even more sexy.

[53:03] Stuart.

[53:03] It's like a Howard Stern situation.

[53:05] The sensors can keep a log of activity during sex to later compile into infographics as visual aids for your sex describing.

[53:13] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[53:14] Wait, so for your sex records?

[53:16] What, for tax purposes?

Dan McCoy

[53:18] And for me, Dan McCoy, perhaps...

[53:21] You can put it in a butt.

Elliott Kalan

[53:22] I can.

Dan McCoy

[53:25] Hook it up to a computer vision butt detector to have the dildo go extra crazy at the sight of butts.

Elliott Kalan

[53:33] You gotta put a parental advisory at the beginning of this episode, right?

Dan McCoy

[53:36] They're all...

[53:38] They've all got parental advisory.

[53:39] What?

[53:40] There's so much swearing.

[53:42] All explicit content.

[53:44] So if you're interested in an open source dildo, and I can't imagine why you would not,

[53:50] go to...

[53:50] Makes a great gift.

[53:52] commingle.io.

[53:54] Buy a dildo.

[53:55] Donate to their Andy GoGo campaign.

[53:58] And thank you to all our sponsors.

[54:00] What kind of apps does it come with?

[54:03] Like jalapeno poppers?

Stuart Wellington

[54:05] Yeah.

[54:06] Like chicken wings?

[54:08] Yeah, but on onion blossoms.

Dan McCoy

[54:10] I believe that if you're not a...

[54:12] If you're not programming savvy, the people at commingle have some programs you can download

[54:16] to help you start programming your dildo.

Elliott Kalan

[54:20] It's a really worthwhile opportunity.

[54:23] Because I've always thought, the thing about dildos, they're too simple.

[54:26] Let's complicate them a little bit.

Dan McCoy

[54:28] It's a sexertunity that I...

[54:31] Look, I know there's a lot of pervizoids and pervizets.

[54:33] I feel like that should be your catchphrase now.

[54:35] It's a sexertunity.

Elliott Kalan

[54:37] It's certainly a pickup line.

[54:38] Yeah, there's a lot of pervizoids and pervizets listening.

[54:40] Listening.

[54:41] We'll be very happy to have more digital control of their faux fallis.

Dan McCoy

[54:46] They're like...

[54:46] Falli?

[54:47] Falli?

[54:48] My dildo options are limited.

[54:49] And now my dildo options are unlimited.

[54:52] I only have a certain amount of money in my dildo budget.

Elliott Kalan

[54:55] Where do I spend my dildo dollars?

Stuart Wellington

[54:58] So, thank you.

[55:00] What's the exchange rate between dildo dollars and American dollars?

Dan McCoy

[55:02] It's 14 space bucks.

[55:04] Thank you to audible.com, squarespace.com, and commingle.io.

Stuart Wellington

[55:13] Okay, cool.

[55:14] What's the next step of this podcast?

Dan McCoy

[55:16] Well, in lieu of letters, you know...

[55:20] In lieu of letters.

Elliott Kalan

[55:21] No letters today.

[55:23] No letters for you.

[55:25] Letters not here.

[55:27] We got no letters.

[55:28] Okay, so...

Dan McCoy

[55:30] Yeah, in lieu of letters.

[55:31] I mean, they're sort of like letters, but...

[55:33] We had a live show for our last show, so we haven't been together since Christmas.

[55:40] It's been a long time.

[55:41] But we've got some gifts here that I wanted to distribute, like a late Santa Claus.

[55:47] Santa Claus died?

Elliott Kalan

[55:50] That's so sad.

[55:51] I mean, he never brought me any presents.

Stuart Wellington

[55:53] Anti-Semitic pieces.

[55:54] He was burned upon a funeral beer.

Elliott Kalan

[55:57] So, this...

[55:58] Oh, yeah, because he's like a Viking type or something, right?

[56:01] This...

Stuart Wellington

[56:01] It's the elves.

[56:04] Fighting the warlord Krampus.

Elliott Kalan

[56:07] The elves push off his funeral pyre into the Arctic Sea.

Stuart Wellington

[56:11] This first one is for Stuart alone.

[56:13] Mrs. Claus is now the war maiden of the tribe.

[56:17] She's burned upon the beer with...

Elliott Kalan

[56:19] She threw herself upon it.

[56:20] That's terrible.

Dan McCoy

[56:22] No gift for you and I, Elliot, I'm afraid.

[56:25] Why would we have any?

[56:26] It's from Brian, last name withheld, who has...

Elliott Kalan

[56:31] My gift is each day I get to spend with you fine people.

Dan McCoy

[56:35] Given Stuart a Full Moon Toys Legend of Horror Action Figure Series Castle Freak.

Stuart Wellington

[56:41] Okay, let me check under that skirt.

[56:43] What?

Dan McCoy

[56:44] He writes, I hope the figurine is anatomically correct in order to put to bed once and for

[56:49] all the question if Castle Freak did truly rip off its ding-dong.

[56:53] Thanks for all the laughs.

[56:54] Brian, last name redacted.

[56:56] Now, I mean, like, the absence of a ding-dong does not prove anything about...

Elliott Kalan

[57:01] He could have lost that in a farm accident.

[57:03] Yeah.

[57:04] Now, here's...

[57:05] This just means that Stuart can now act out the scenes he wishes were in Castle Freak.

Stuart Wellington

[57:10] Is he standing in front of a giant tombstone?

[57:12] I don't really know what the...

[57:14] Is that a piece of wood?

Dan McCoy

[57:15] I don't know, but Stu, this gives you a chance, I think, to replug your...

[57:19] Your Castle Freak screen.

Stuart Wellington

[57:20] Perfect, yeah.

[57:21] I'm going to get this autographed by the Freak himself.

[57:24] The actor who played Giorgio the Freak is going to be at the Alamo Draft House in

[57:28] Yonkers, New York.

[57:30] On February 21st, it's Saturday night.

[57:33] I think it's at 8 or something.

[57:34] Just check the website.

[57:37] I'll be, I guess, hosting it alongside the titular Freak, the actor who played the Castle

[57:43] Freak.

[57:44] So, come on down to the Alamo Draft House February 21st.

Dan McCoy

[57:48] So, the second, we got some gifts from Kevin Brady, who sent a Christmas card.

[57:54] That's very nice.

[57:55] With him and Terry Crews.

[57:58] Whoa.

[57:59] So, that's pretty good, just in and of itself.

[58:01] But, I'll just distribute out these gifts.

[58:04] Here's one for you, Elliot.

[58:05] Oh, thanks, Dan.

[58:06] Here's one for you, Stuart.

[58:06] They all have Alan Ruck wrapping paper.

[58:10] Wow.

[58:10] I already unwrapped mine.

Elliott Kalan

[58:12] Oh, couldn't wait, huh?

Dan McCoy

[58:13] Well, I read the letter.

[58:19] Unwrapping sounds.

[58:20] Unwrapping sounds.

[58:21] Unwrapping.

[58:22] Theater of the year.

[58:23] I read the letter, and I happen to already own the thing that he got me.

[58:27] Don't tell him that.

[58:29] No, no, I think it will make him appreciate me.

[58:31] Let me guess, it's a dildo that's not open source.

[58:33] It's a collection of Andy Sedaris movies.

[58:38] You do?

[58:38] You have the complete collection, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[58:40] Oh, wow.

[58:41] Well, he got me a package of Abraham Lincoln Band-Aids.

Stuart Wellington

[58:44] Yeah.

[58:45] Well, that's great for when you get all your dings and nicks and cuts.

Elliott Kalan

[58:48] Yeah, unfortunately, there's one one these Band-Aids will not be able to help you with,

[58:51] and that's a gunshot to the back of the head.

[58:54] Are you expecting one of those?

[58:55] No, you never expect them.

Stuart Wellington

[58:57] And I got a novelty bottle opener, which is great.

[59:00] I usually drink cans, but I guess I can make a change.

[59:05] And the novelty bottle opener is in the shape of my dread lord, Cthulhu.

[59:09] Whoa.

Dan McCoy

[59:10] Who is dreaming in Rellia, the Sunken City.

[59:13] Yeah, Kevin Middledame with Hal Brady writes,

[59:16] Dearest Peaches, with another crazy year in the books,

[59:18] I wanted to take a moment to send along my appreciation for all that you guys do.

[59:22] This time of year, what better way to show your appreciation than with gifts wrapped in shiny paper?

[59:27] Incidentally, I can't take credit for the amazing Ruckmas gift wrap.

[59:31] I'm simply recycling it after it was used by Jonathan Howell to wrap my gifts for the Facebook group,

[59:36] Secret St. Nicholas Cage Extravaganza.

[59:38] Oh, I thought you bought that somewhere.

[59:40] For Dan, from one Purvisoid to Purvisoid number one,

[59:43] I gift to you the works of Mr. Andy Sedaris from Malibu Express,

[59:47] all the way to my personal favorite, Return to Savage Beast.

[59:50] I haven't watched that one yet.

[59:52] Beach.

[59:52] Yeah.

[59:53] Return to Savage Beast.

[59:54] That's a completely different movie.

[59:56] Mr. Sedaris brightened our television screens with the likes of Sibyl Danning,

[1:00:00] Julie K. Smith, and the lovely Julie Strain.

[1:00:02] More importantly, he brightened our screens with their boobs.

[1:00:05] Well, that, yeah, but yes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:07] And I can only...

[1:00:07] Yeah, Dan, you're really more interested in Julie K. Smith's acting.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:10] I can only hope these 12 films bring these 12 friends...

[1:00:15] Your closest friends are movies, Dan, aren't they?

[1:00:20] ...bring you a few minutes of joy whenever the wife isn't around.

[1:00:23] For Elliot...

[1:00:24] Masturbating is what he said.

[1:00:25] As a new father, you're going to run into a lot of ouchies and boo-boos in the coming years.

[1:00:30] You're going to guide young Sam as he selects a hero, any hero, who isn't his father.

[1:00:34] Allow me to assist in stirring him away from lame-os like Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[1:00:38] Those phony so-called heroes written by hack writers relied heavily on dumb gags, silly powers, and talking dinosaur men to entertain readers.

[1:00:46] This guy really does not like me or my work.

[1:00:48] Well, I hope that instead of covering up scrapes and cuts with false idols,

[1:00:52] you will use these band-aids featuring the image of a real hero who didn't rely on four colors,

[1:00:57] but who did just fine in monochrome.

[1:00:59] I present to you a package of Abraham Lincoln bandages.

[1:01:02] Thank you.

[1:01:03] And about that hack writer stuff, I'm totally kidding.

[1:01:05] I loved Spider-Man and the X-Men on sale now at your local comic book store.

[1:01:08] Issue 2 comes out January 28th.

[1:01:11] Finally for Stuart.

[1:01:12] Buy it and throw it away.

[1:01:14] And then buy another one.

[1:01:15] How does a party animal keep it real when yuppies and hipsters roll into his bar

[1:01:19] and have the audacity to order some fancy bullshit beer that doesn't come in a wide-mouth can or with a twist off top?

[1:01:24] How about my popping the top of their shimmy or almond gag with the-

[1:01:29] Those things?

[1:01:30] I don't know.

[1:01:31] Assistance of an elder god.

[1:01:32] I hope that this Cthulhu bottle opener helps you to always remain the silver bullet drinking ultimate party dude you've always been.

[1:01:39] In closing, thanks again for watching the shit movies so we don't have to

[1:01:42] and for providing hours of entertainment to the amazing community of floppers you've brought together.

[1:01:47] Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and continued success in 2015.

[1:01:51] Dears and Floppiness, Kevin Middle Name Withheld Brady.

[1:01:55] Thank you very much, Kevin.

[1:01:56] So thanks, Kevin.

[1:01:57] That was very sweet of you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:58] Further ensuring the key to getting your letter read aloud is by giving us sweet gifts.

[1:02:03] Yeah, or by giving Dan access to boobs on tape.

[1:02:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:06] That's a sweet gift.

[1:02:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:08] That's the gift that keeps on giving.

[1:02:10] Ew.

[1:02:10] Normally Dan has to give himself that gift.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:13] Ew.

[1:02:14] So, now it's time for our final segment for the show.

[1:02:20] Yeah?

[1:02:20] What's that segment?

[1:02:21] Defendations of movies we actually liked instead of Transformers Age of Extinction.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] And thus ending our spontaneous Michael Bay theme month.

[1:02:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:33] Elliot, is there anything you want to promote?

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:36] I would promote?

[1:02:38] Yeah, promote the work of others.

[1:02:40] Recommend?

[1:02:41] I will.

[1:02:41] I think I'd like to recommend a movie I saw recently that I really liked a lot, which affected

[1:02:46] me deeply, which is perhaps the exact opposite of what we watched tonight.

[1:02:50] And that would be Winter Light, directed by Ingmar Bergman and starring Ingrid Thulin and Gunnar Bjornstrand.

[1:02:57] It's the story of a priest in a small town in Sweden who is struggling with faith.

[1:03:06] He has almost totally lost his faith in the existence of God.

[1:03:09] And when a parishioner comes to him with the same spiritual trouble, the parishioner is shocked and horrified to find that the priest is struggling with the same doubts.

[1:03:21] And the priest is also in a kind of failing romantic relationship with another one of the parishioners.

[1:03:26] And he's forced to confront his own powerlessness and suffering and whether that is evidence enough of the faith that perhaps needs to rediscover it himself.

[1:03:35] The original title in Swedish was, I think, The Communicants or something like that.

[1:03:41] And it's very much about the need for human beings to communicate and perhaps that...

[1:03:47] And the need for speed.

[1:03:48] And the need, yeah.

[1:03:49] He says, I have your need.

[1:03:51] Starring Freddy Krueger in a small role.

[1:03:56] But it's shot in a much grimmer and plainer style than a lot of Ingmar Bergman movies, although it's shot by Sven Nykvist.

[1:04:03] And it's a really good...

[1:04:04] Nykvist?

[1:04:05] Nykvist.

[1:04:06] The Swedish vigilante.

[1:04:08] Sweet Nykvist.

[1:04:11] He's a tough guy with a soft side.

[1:04:13] But it's really good if you want something a little deeper but not inaccessible.

[1:04:18] The emotions in it are very strong and run deep as well as on the surface.

[1:04:23] It's like a romantic comedy.

[1:04:24] Yeah, yeah.

[1:04:25] It's a real zinger.

[1:04:27] It's a comedy sci-fi adventure.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:30] Anyway, Winter Light.

[1:04:31] Just like the dessert.

[1:04:32] I would like...

Dan McCoy

[1:04:33] I would recommend a movie.

[1:04:36] That I saw recently at BAM for the first time.

[1:04:38] And it was actually...

[1:04:39] It was introduced by William Friedkin.

[1:04:41] Who I was delighted to see.

[1:04:43] Kind of resembled like current Adam West.

[1:04:47] Like he was just like an affable aging man.

[1:04:50] And you see William Friedkin films.

[1:04:52] And you think, this has got to be a really intense guy.

[1:04:55] He's just like a goofy grandpa kind of guy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:58] He did say at one point, who wants Werther's?

[1:05:00] And just threw them into the audience.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:02] But he introduced a movie I liked a lot.

[1:05:05] And it was Costa Gavris' movie Z.

[1:05:09] I told you you were going to like it.

[1:05:10] Which I think that, you know, early in your film buff career, you have an embarrassment of riches ahead of you.

[1:05:18] And then the more you watch movies, the less you get surprised by movies.

[1:05:24] But this was like the first time in a long time where I'm like, well, this is kind of a masterpiece I'm watching.

[1:05:29] And it's a great movie.

[1:05:32] It's a very thinly fictionalized version of real events that happened in Greece when a socialist candidate was assassinated by a military faction of the government.

[1:05:47] And then the investigation afterwards where it came out, what happened.

[1:05:53] And it's tense.

[1:05:55] It's infuriating.

[1:05:57] It's a thriller.

[1:05:58] But it's also kind of funny in a lot of places.

[1:06:00] And it's heartbreaking at the end.

[1:06:03] So I recommend it very much.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:06] I would call it one of the top movies that has just one letter for a title.

[1:06:10] Along with M.

[1:06:12] So romantic comedy?

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:14] Yeah, again.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:16] A real singer.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:17] That's a theme today, I guess.

[1:06:19] It's a real boy meets coo story.

[1:06:22] So I'm going to keep with that theme.

[1:06:24] I'm also talking about a movie that touched me deeply.

[1:06:28] Talking about a movie called A Rock and Roll Nightmare.

[1:06:31] A Rock and Roll Nightmare was sent to me by a listener from the show.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:35] Stu gets a disproportionate number of gifts.

[1:06:39] I get the least of anybody, I think.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:41] Dan gets a lot of naked pictures.

[1:06:44] Elliot gets almost no gifts.

[1:06:45] Because what can you get the man who has everything?

[1:06:48] Life has given me so much already.

[1:06:49] It's true.

[1:06:50] I have many blessings.

[1:06:51] Sure.

[1:06:51] So moving on.

[1:06:54] Speaking of blessings, Rock and Roll Nightmare features the acting chops of, I think his name is John Michael Thor.

[1:07:03] A actor slash heavy metal maniac.

[1:07:08] The movie Rock and Roll Nightmare is about the hit rock band Triton heading off into the wilds of Canada, I'm assuming, to record, to work on and record their latest album in a farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere.

[1:07:27] It has a recording studio in a movie called Rock and Roll Nightmare.

[1:07:28] It has a recording studio in it, I guess.

[1:07:29] And while working on the album, they have to work out their personal grievances.

[1:07:35] There's a little bit of nudity.

[1:07:37] There's a little bit of rock and rolling.

[1:07:39] And then all of a sudden, some kind of ancient evil that seems to be living there starts picking them off one by one until the only remaining person, spoiler alert, is our hero, John Michael Thor playing John Triton.

[1:07:52] And then we get to see probably one of the best modern giant foam monster fighting a man scenes that I've seen in a very long time.

[1:08:01] Let's be clear.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:01] This is a good, bad movie.

[1:08:03] This is not.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:03] Oh, it is.

[1:08:04] Yeah, yeah.

[1:08:04] No, this is a fun, terrible movie.

[1:08:07] So, Rock and Roll Nightmare.

[1:08:08] Check it out.

[1:08:09] That's a movie I always mix up in my head with the movie Hard Rock Zombies.

[1:08:12] Which is also a great, bad movie.

[1:08:13] Which is also a great, bad movie and involves, over time, a running gag of a Nazi puppet eating, a Nazi puppet zombie eating his own hands and then face.

[1:08:24] And it's been like pouring sugar and things, pouring salt and sugar onto himself and like, it's really goofy.

[1:08:31] But anyway, Rock and Roll Nightmare.

[1:08:32] Watch it with friends.

[1:08:33] Yeah.

[1:08:34] Because you'll be too scared to watch it alone.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:36] Tell your mom not to watch it.

[1:08:39] Because you won't enjoy it.

[1:08:40] Unless she likes that kind of thing.

[1:08:41] Call the cops.

[1:08:42] I don't know your mom.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:43] Chill out, dude.

[1:08:47] Write a letter to the president saying, watch Rock and Roll Nightmare.

[1:08:50] Better than Boyhood.

[1:08:52] That quote's going to end up on the box.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:55] And speaking of Boyhood, we watched a movie that was almost three hours long today and never again.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:02] Yeah.

[1:09:03] I'm going to put a time limit on movies that people can ask us to watch.

[1:09:07] Yeah.

[1:09:08] So no to Fiddler on the Roof.

[1:09:10] Too late, dude.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:12] That was a delight.

[1:09:13] I'm glad that you...

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:14] Just like Cade Yeager.

[1:09:16] I'm glad that you do.

[1:09:17] Tevye has to deal with his daughter's lusts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:20] And fight a laser wolf.

[1:09:22] There were kind of laser wolves in this movie.

[1:09:26] Yeah, we had...

[1:09:26] The similarities are eerie.

[1:09:28] To end, just to explain that reference, the other Flopsters and some other friends came over to our house to watch Fiddler on the Roof the other night, a movie that my wife and I watch several times a year usually.

[1:09:41] Several times a year?

[1:09:42] At least two to three times a year.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:44] It was all the more charming for me to watch it for the first time with a group of Jewish people in the house who clearly had seen it over and over and over again.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:55] Because when you're Jewish, like it's...

[1:09:58] A movie you see a lot.

[1:09:59] But it was curious to me to see a bunch of...

[1:10:01] Let's just call you what you are, Goyim.

[1:10:04] For lack of a better word.

[1:10:06] Yeah.

[1:10:06] Watching it and being occasionally baffled by what was going on and being like, oh right, you weren't told the story of the shtetl pogroms and the Europe to America diaspora over and over again like we were.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:17] Yeah, I was like, hey, why are those Russians being so mean?

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:21] Hey guys, why are those Russians being so mean?

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:24] I think when I was doing a brief introduction and I mentioned it's not a totally accurate picture of life in a shtetl but it's kind of the closest that we can get in a lot of ways.

[1:10:34] And one of the people in the room said, what's a shtetl?

[1:10:37] And I was like, well, this is going to be more basic than I thought it was going to be.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:42] Well, thank you for the remedial cultural studies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:46] Hey, it was a nice reminder that my people are less than 1% of the world's population.

[1:10:52] And on that note, I guess, we've been the Flophouse.

[1:10:56] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:10:57] That's been Elliot Kalin.

[1:10:58] In a way, I guess you could say Jews are the Autobots of the world.

[1:11:01] There's not a lot of us and we often fight evil robots.

[1:11:04] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:11:05] Wait.

[1:11:05] Wait, you said my name.

[1:11:07] Stuart Wellington.

[1:11:08] You said that.

[1:11:10] G'day, everyone.

[1:11:11] Thanks for listening.

[1:11:13] And loving.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:14] And laughing.

[1:11:15] And standing with honor.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:22] Let's do this stupid thing so I can go home.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:27] Okay, let's slam this one out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:33] Dan?

[1:11:34] What?

[1:11:34] You ready?

[1:11:35] We're talking about slamming it out.

[1:11:37] We're going to slam it out, much like I just did in your bathroom.

[1:11:40] Are you slamming it out?

[1:11:42] Are you okay?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:45] Sorry.

[1:11:47] Uh, in three, two, one.

S4

[1:11:57] If you've ever laughed at the Brits for the way they say schedule or Americans for the

[1:12:01] way we keep seeing Jesus in our food, join me, Dave Holmes, for International Waters,

[1:12:06] a transatlantic panel game that pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles against

[1:12:10] each other in a deadly Skype-based pop culture battle royale.

[1:12:15] Every two weeks or fortnightly, as they say in Britain, like they're better than us.

[1:12:19] Find it in iTunes or at MaximumFun.org.

Episode #170 - Transformers: Age of Extinction

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