Episode #170 - Transformers: Age of Extinction

[0:00] In this episode we discuss Transformers Age of Extinction aka the one without Shia LaBeouf

[0:30] Hey everyone and welcome to the Flophouse podcast. I'm Dan McCoy. Hey Dan McCoy. I'm

[0:42] Stuart Wellington. Hey Stuart and Dan. My name is Elliot Kalin. All three of us. He's

[0:46] in disguise. Check his ID. Take his mask off. Myself? I don't. It's not him. Actually I'd

[0:54] like to point out I'm the one person in this room so listeners can know not wearing a hoodie

[0:58] with the hood up over his head. It's chilly in my apartment tonight and I was just doing

[1:03] it because Dan was doing it. That's a very localized weather report for people who happen

[1:07] to be in my apartment on the day that this was recorded. I'm recording this with a couple

[1:12] of Unabombers or maybe they're the hoodlums dressed as aliens from the first storyline

[1:18] on the shit show Ghost Rider. Wait the shit show Ghost Rider? Hit show Dan. It taught

[1:23] kids how to read be friends and rap. Was that Johnny Blaze or Danny Catch? It was neither.

[1:27] He was an animated dot that could read things and then write them. Welcome to the Flop House.

[1:34] We talk about movies. Yeah. Usually a bad one. Bad movies. So what do we hold on a second.

[1:41] We talk to a bad movie? No we watch a bad movie and then we discuss it thereafter. And

[1:48] tonight we watch. Hey guys it's great to be back in the Flop House after that live show

[1:52] we did last time. Yeah Dan remember the thing you wanted us to do at the top and we agreed.

[1:55] Well you steered me down this fucking culvert. When I asked you what we do on the podcast.

[2:00] It's more like a cul-de-sac. It wasn't like a culvert. What's the fucking T-1000 chasing us?

[2:07] I mean I was perfectly capable of double backing and thanking people. And yet you did not.

[2:14] No because you were like what do we do on this podcast. What we do on this podcast is not host live shows.

[2:21] Here's how you should have done it. Well on this podcast we watch a movie and discuss it.

[2:26] You're not going to pin this on me. Before we discuss tonight's movie. Bang bang bang bang bang bang.

[2:31] You're never going to catch me alive. Now my ghost has to haunt you.

[2:36] Wow your life is boring. Why am I haunting you again?

[2:41] You'd be surprised. I'm going to go haunt Danny Elfman.

[2:45] He's an elf and a man. He's a man bitten by a radioactive elf.

[2:50] And now he has the power of candy canes. Will they accept him back into the Grey Havens?

[2:55] Probably not. Does he have to make a choice? Is that some asylum for elves?

[2:59] Kind of. He's the fucking man of Tolkien man. The end of Tolkien man.

[3:04] Tolkien man was bitten by a radioactive Tolkien and now he has the ability to make up fake languages.

[3:09] Everyone sails off to the Grey Havens except for the ones who don't.

[3:13] It sounds more to me like this elf. He killed too many elves. He's too dangerous in the prison.

[3:18] Send him to Grey Haven. No one's ever escaped from Grey Haven.

[3:23] Anyway the main point is. So Dan we had a live show.

[3:28] Thank you to everyone who was foolish enough to come out and see our foolishness at the live show.

[3:35] I am humbled that we sold out the bell house in Gowanus.

[3:40] That's a 350 capacity. I would say 350 seats but mostly people were standing.

[3:45] Yeah I'm sorry. If you want to sit down maybe get there earlier next time.

[3:50] Wow. Wow. Wait in the cold longer dudes.

[3:55] Kind of unnecessary hostility for the people who came to see us jackass.

[4:00] The point is thanks to everybody who came out. It was a wonderful night.

[4:03] Thanks to the bell house for having us and New York Podfest for arranging a lot of it.

[4:07] It was the most wonderful time of the year.

[4:10] So not as many people have to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[4:14] But it was a great audience. Everyone who came had brought great energy and we're very thankful for that.

[4:20] Yeah they brought great energy. They brought some uranium. They brought some gasoline.

[4:26] I mean gasoline isn't great energy. It's actually not very good at all.

[4:31] Someone brought the crystal from the dark crystal. Yeah.

[4:35] When you take that shard out of the main crystal do the good guys and the bad guys separate back out into individuals again?

[4:41] Yeah. It's all bird men and what?

[4:45] They're kind of bird lizards. Skeksis.

[4:48] Skeksis and gray ghouls.

[4:50] And what are the other dudes called? Yep they're ghouls.

[4:52] No they're like narrators or chroniclers. Mystics I think.

[4:55] Mystics yeah. It's spelled with a K. Like some kind of 90s X-Man.

[5:00] So.

[5:01] They're not named after Mystic Connecticut.

[5:03] To return to the premise of our podcast.

[5:07] Mystic Pizza in Mystic Connecticut.

[5:09] So on tonight's episode of the podcast we watched Transformers Age of Extinction.

[5:17] I thought we watched Transformers the travel guide for transgender travelers.

[5:23] I mean that sounds like a perfectly useful travel guide.

[5:26] Yeah.

[5:27] I mean that would be a book. Watching it seems like.

[5:30] I mean I just watched it sit on a table.

[5:32] It would be filed in the Blockbuster video next to transamerica.

[5:37] In their trans section.

[5:40] Blockbuster has some very interesting categories.

[5:43] So this was a movie about things that were more than meets the eye.

[5:51] Autobots race in battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.

[5:56] Something was in disguise. What was it?

[5:58] Was it robots?

[6:00] Robots were the ones that were in disguise.

[6:03] They put beards on.

[6:05] And hats and glasses.

[6:07] Yep.

[6:08] Now I would say this.

[6:09] Ninja Turtle disguise.

[6:10] Interestingly this movie seemed to be quite a lot less than met the eye.

[6:14] Often.

[6:15] Getting right to the review huh?

[6:18] I mean I'll reserve judgment.

[6:20] So how many of these Transformer movies have you seen Elliot?

[6:22] This is the first Transformer movie I've seen.

[6:24] So I started with chapter four as I do with any series.

[6:27] Star Wars.

[6:28] Started with episode four.

[6:29] Harry Potter.

[6:31] I think I watched the first one and the fifth one.

[6:33] You missed the good one.

[6:35] Apparently yeah.

[6:36] Because the fifth one was not very good.

[6:38] And you know what other series are there?

[6:41] Rocky.

[6:42] Fourth is the best.

[6:43] Start with that one.

[6:44] Superman.

[6:45] Four.

[6:46] Four is the best.

[6:47] I mean I think when I was a kid that was the first one that I saw.

[6:50] So I always had like a special place in my heart for it.

[6:53] Even though it's ridiculous and terrible.

[6:55] The fourth Pink Panther.

[6:56] Whatever that is.

[6:57] That's probably Return of the Revenge of the Strikes Again.

[7:00] Who knows.

[7:01] But you've seen Stuart all of the Transformers.

[7:04] Oh and the fourth Emanuel film.

[7:05] Yeah the fourth Emanuel.

[7:07] Is that a black Emanuel at that point?

[7:09] It's a black Emanuel in space in Rio.

[7:11] Whoa.

[7:12] Through time.

[7:13] Space Rio.

[7:14] Blame it on space Rio.

[7:15] Minus seven equals X.

[7:17] The beginning.

[7:19] So we are.

[7:21] Versus Dracula.

[7:22] Acting.

[7:23] In the hood.

[7:24] Crazier than usual because.

[7:25] The next generation.

[7:26] This movie was two and a 45 fucking minutes long.

[7:30] This is a long movie.

[7:31] Most of which you stayed awake for Dan.

[7:33] Look to my credit I would say I stayed awake for 85% of this movie.

[7:39] Yeah you fell asleep during the climax which was a bunch of explosions and robots punching each other.

[7:44] Here's the thing.

[7:45] Dinosaurs punching each other.

[7:47] Look I'm going to drop some.

[7:48] Dino swords if you will.

[7:49] I'm going to drop a little knowledge on you guys.

[7:51] Yeah.

[7:52] If you don't care about the people exploding.

[7:55] Explosions are the most boring thing in the world.

[7:57] You pick that up in all your years of experience.

[8:00] Yeah.

[8:01] Lajos Igri said that in his art of dramatic writing.

[8:04] In his book The Art of Exploding People.

[8:06] Yeah.

[8:08] So Transformers 4 The Age of Extinction it's called right?

[8:11] Yep.

[8:12] So you missed the beginning of the movie Elliot.

[8:14] What do you think happened?

[8:15] I thought I missed the beginning of the movie but apparently I didn't.

[8:18] You missed a bunch of dinosaurs running around and then getting totally splattered with metal goop.

[8:23] Yeah.

[8:24] Let's apologize briefly to our listeners because this movie was so long for scheduling reasons.

[8:30] Elliot had to miss the very beginning of it and for sleepy reasons I missed the very end of it.

[8:35] And Stuart saw the whole thing so please pray for him.

[8:38] So tell me what happened in the beginning.

[8:43] So 65 million years ago we had dinosaurs.

[8:46] I guess.

[8:47] I don't think they told us when it was happening.

[8:49] Well it had to have been 65 million years ago because that's when there were dinosaurs.

[8:53] Were those dinosaurs on our planet or a different planet?

[8:56] Those were our –

[8:57] Why would they show another planet full of dinosaurs where Transformers were at?

[9:01] Some kind of dinotopia.

[9:02] Although even that's on our planet.

[9:04] Yeah, it was a savage land.

[9:07] Some kind of –

[9:08] Savage beach.

[9:09] Again that's both on this planet.

[9:11] Savage beach has no dinosaurs in it just topless women and ninjas.

[9:15] Yeah.

[9:16] So yeah, so you missed that and then you missed the introduction of our hero, Cade Yeager.

[9:22] Which sounds less like a name than like I guess a new soda that has beer in it.

[9:29] Pop up in a Cade Yeager.

[9:31] To be fair, either of those words alone might be reasonable names.

[9:37] Cade?

[9:38] I think you're just defending your – wait.

[9:42] Cade is a little weird.

[9:44] My office mate's last name is Yeager.

[9:46] No, Yeager is fine.

[9:47] Chuck Yeager is a name.

[9:48] That's Yeager's name.

[9:49] Is your office mate's name Cade?

[9:51] No.

[9:52] Okay.

[9:53] Not that I –

[9:54] So we're introducing Cade Yeager.

[9:55] I mean they might as well have named him like Slad Ripchest or something like that.

[9:59] Slad Ripchest.

[10:00] virtual advertisers

[10:02] who was a little long muscle

[10:04] uh... purchase

[10:06] uh... perch

[10:07] show on the phone

[10:09] you know we need a tough guy name of the desert strong muscle what's the

[10:13] toughest type of treatment

[10:16] birch of course

[10:17] and we want to have a last name like you know a given name to reflect his

[10:20] profession

[10:22] uh... long muscle

[10:24] because he is a muscle lengthener

[10:26] uh... looks

[10:28] talk about this movie

[10:29] okay we are already introduced to katie ager so we're introduced to katie ager who is an inventor

[10:33] daughter's short shorts mark walberg who's an inventor

[10:37] reprising his profession of scientist from flop house favorite the happening

[10:41] in which he uh... and here's the thing

[10:44] mark walberg is dedicated to playing a bad scientist in the happening he's a

[10:47] science teacher

[10:48] who tells his students

[10:49] there are some things that

[10:52] uh... dan alarm

[10:56] what's your apartment so

[10:59] is it easier of the house okay

[11:01] and we had at that point are you just got a little bit and even as flavor

[11:06] that means that it was like a lot of fun to fly in your seat

[11:10] it's like finding a half-worm in your apple

[11:12] the so

[11:14] he in the happening he plays a science teacher who tells his students

[11:17] there's somethings man will just never know which i think is the exact opposite

[11:21] of the scientists creed

[11:22] in this movie is a scientist an inventor who believes that somethings

[11:25] just shouldn't be invented

[11:27] yeah if i'm being

[11:28] if i'm being nice i'll say that he is a modern

[11:31] redo of

[11:32] doctor sarah zawa of the first godzilla movie

[11:35] who invents a weapon to destroy godzilla but it's too powerful for humans to

[11:39] he'd meet making and he kills himself rather than let anyone steal his

[11:42] knowledge

[11:43] but instead uh... it's like if instead of killing himself to

[11:47] people weapon from being in human hands

[11:50] are all handlers

[11:52] don't worry guys

[11:53] i'm on top of it

[11:56] you keep talking about drowsy dan figures out why his oven is making an alarm

[12:00] noise

[12:01] uh... on this the worst episode of the flop house

[12:05] so it's rather than

[12:07] taking it upon himself to sacrifice his life to save the earth from a weapon

[12:11] he instead uses an alien sword laser to shoot

[12:16] an alien robot who's fighting another alien robot over a seed bomb that

[12:20] will turn the earth into an alien robot planet

[12:23] and another party kills a guy by hitting with a foot

[12:27] football

[12:28] and then kicking my little window

[12:32] he also has a daughter who is seventeen

[12:35] and though she is not legal to have sex with she certainly legal for

[12:38] michael bay audience to ogle

[12:41] uh... it's a it's an interesting moral quandary because he she has a slightly

[12:44] older boyfriend

[12:45] uh... who

[12:46] keeps in his wallet a laminated card explaining why

[12:50] the law that says it's not such a great that he's got a seventeen-year-old

[12:54] uh... and mark walrus as the whole movie set telling him how it's

[12:57] tights bad for him a twenty-year-old got seventeen-year-old

[13:00] yet the movie is just fine with us just

[13:02] seeing downer shirt upper shorts and everything like that we have it

[13:07] now we have this funny like that he has he has a lot of explicit look i started

[13:11] dating her when we were both underage so it's cool now i've been grandfathered

[13:16] and and i've laminated limited to show anybody who does it

[13:21] you know it's out of the justification of me inserting my penis into her vagina

[13:26] well that's i mean it's gotta be a goof right

[13:28] that's meant to be like a joke

[13:29] i mean it's meant to be a joke but the character still does it yeah it's a

[13:32] creepy creepy joke

[13:34] so when that character is introduced that

[13:36] signals the exit of the previously introduced t.j. miller character

[13:40] who plays like a surfer canadian surfer dude fellow we haven't gotten yet to his

[13:44] exit let's just say that

[13:46] this is after i guess the last movie there was a fight in chicago between a

[13:49] bunch of robots yeah some call them transformers i call them change-o robes

[13:53] yeah i call them go-bots because they go and they're robots

[13:58] yeah i call them transformatrons which is like transformers but just different

[14:03] enough that i can't be sued i call them roombas which are robots that can rumba

[14:08] is there any on-screen evidence that they can rumba

[14:13] i've set up cameras to try and capture them rumbling you know like

[14:19] manicams i haven't done it yet

[14:21] because i believe that they rumba but i'm not looking

[14:27] ok that's i mean if you have no evidence the contrary you have to assume it's

[14:31] true

[14:32] that's what sherlock holmes said right yeah so meanwhile so the transformers

[14:37] are i guess autobots are allowed to just walk around and do whatever legally but

[14:40] there's a CIA operation a black ops group called cemetery wind cemetery wind

[14:45] is what happens when a gravedigger farts sure and they have a great album name

[14:51] yes cemetery we are and they are led by Kelsey Grammer who is continuing some of

[14:57] the sci-fi slumming he started with x-men 3 x-men united and he they're

[15:02] hunting down both decepticons and autobots as he wants to eliminate the

[15:06] earth of wants to eliminate alien robot change-o-trons from the earth and he is

[15:12] doing that with help from the help of a transformer bounty hunter named

[15:15] lockdown who is it looks more human than the other transformers which is weird

[15:21] and we and it's like ok let me just get straight one thing this movie has like

[15:29] three plot lines in it and yet somehow it felt like i was watching the an

[15:34] entire season's worth of a transformer show cut down to a 2 hour 45 minute

[15:38] movie and like characters were jumping all over the place

[15:41] there are things going on where I had to fill in the gaps in my mind it's a hard

[15:46] film to follow

[15:47] yes it's hard from the watch in a hard from the follow because there's always

[15:51] things flying around on screen like a bunch and eventually the point where

[15:54] there's just cubes flying around on screen making robots before in some of

[15:59] the worst cgi effects I think I've ever seen

[16:02] yes it has some of the most hilarious bad blue screen background effects and

[16:08] I've seen a movie in a long time but anyway

[16:10] kate yeager finds an old truck turns out it's optimus prime all beat up options

[16:15] prime of course the leader of the autobots and he's a red white and blue

[16:19] patriotic truck who responds to every situation in this movie by yelling I'll

[16:23] kill you and firing a big gun at people and then let it splits weird is so he

[16:31] gives a lot of speeches about honor and freedom and he expresses his honor by

[16:35] stabbing another robot in the back and he expresses his freedom by enslaving a

[16:39] dinosaur robot breaking his will so he can write it into battle but also he

[16:45] finds his space knight sword on lockdowns prison ship that's floating

[16:49] Chicago for reasons that we're not totally sure about since and when we

[16:54] haven't gotten that part yet it's so hard to tell the plot of this movie

[16:56] that jumping ahead to all the crazy yeah but also like just take a moment to talk

[17:00] about transformers in general because this film they are stupid has a lot of

[17:06] the same like metaphysical problems that the cars films that which is just like

[17:12] explain well okay like all right these transformers they can apparently

[17:18] transform into pretty much anything except for they mostly just transform

[17:22] back and forth between whatever car they've decided to look like and

[17:26] themselves a robot and most of them can fly but they always keep turning to cars

[17:31] and they don't and they have their own people form they don't fly at the end of

[17:34] the movie Optus Prime starts flying and it's like well why didn't you do that at

[17:37] all in the whole movie and sometimes they have people inside them that seem

[17:41] to be driving them why does that need to happen well I gave you my explanation

[17:45] watching the movie that it's our kind of sexual release from it they get a

[17:49] very strong sexual pleasure from it that a robots for lack of a better word

[17:53] clitoris sure is located in the steering wheel and so you need a human to

[17:58] activate that it's a pleasure center I mean that course is as good a word as

[18:01] that it has it has more pleasure nerves than any other part of the robots body

[18:06] and more pleasure nerves than a male's pleasure centers well all the robots are

[18:12] men so I don't know unless robot up unless transformer women have masculine

[18:17] features and voices I mean in the cartoon there was there was a lady bot

[18:23] that's the other thing that's great is that uh they're robots and they're made

[18:27] out of metal and yet they still have human features that make no sense like a

[18:31] beard made out of chains yep John Goodman voice I think it's John I'm

[18:35] pretty sure it's gun John yeah voices a fat robot this is my chance to be a

[18:42] skinny robot eat too many nuts and bolts well I have to be typecast as fat robot

[18:50] but also yeah he's these are robots like they carry around guns they like they

[18:58] can't just have but the guns are also the guns are I think both part of them

[19:02] and not and they there's a part of the n-word fat bot is like I'm running out

[19:07] of ammo and I think the ammo is their poop and that's how they make it like

[19:12] the physiology because and they yeah their bodies are like Fremen still suits

[19:15] where it converts their waste into life-giving our ammo but they they and

[19:22] they make a point in the movie at some point of explaining that they're not

[19:25] really robot robots they're made of some kind of organic metal that can

[19:29] shapeshift around and turn into anything but they're alive and what's

[19:32] that metal called it's called transformium okay right that's what they

[19:36] call it that sounds like science but also there was there's also a scene

[19:39] where so okay let's get back to the okay Mark Wahlberg finds off this prime and

[19:44] he fixes him up yeah with the help of where I was gonna be sidekick TJ Miller

[19:48] and office prime said he's like oh he's like we I have a thing inside me we call

[19:52] it the spark it is our power source and also contains our and our memories and

[19:57] Mark Wahlberg goes we call that a soul

[20:00] No, we don't.

[20:01] The soul is not an organ in your body that powers you and keeps your memories.

[20:04] They can almost get shot by a missile.

[20:06] That is a physical thing that can be shot by a missile.

[20:09] It needs to be fixed.

[20:10] You need someone to come in with a battery to give it a jump.

[20:16] Many of us do need help repairing our souls.

[20:18] It's called faith.

[20:19] Do you have a pamphlet for me?

[20:20] I actually have a pamphlet called So You Need to Re-Grout Your Tiles.

[20:27] It's not about this particular subject, but it is helpful hints on how to re-grout your

[20:32] tiles.

[20:33] It says something about faith in your original tile work.

[20:36] Maybe you need to re-grout it instead of get linoleum, I guess.

[20:40] Or just redoing the whole bathroom.

[20:42] Now, have you heard the good news?

[20:44] Re-grouting your tiles is easier than ever.

[20:47] It's all in my book.

[20:48] I have some literature I was wondering if you could look at.

[20:50] Here, take this stress test.

[20:52] I'm going to use this e-meter to measure how much grouting your tiles need.

[20:56] Ooh, they need a lot.

[20:57] You're going to need to do some testing to get these thetans out of your grout.

[21:00] I think that would be a pretty effective religion if you started it, honestly.

[21:04] It's practical is the point.

[21:06] Yeah, yeah.

[21:07] Well, we worship Bob Vila.

[21:09] That's the main thing.

[21:11] Anyway, what did you want to say about Transformers and Cade Yeager and their souls and what they're

[21:16] made out of?

[21:17] No, it was basically what you said about how they have this spark, the divine spark that

[21:21] exists in all of us, except for their spark is a thing that you can see.

[21:24] It makes me wonder if on Cybertron there's a painting by Michelangelotron of God creating

[21:30] Optimus Prime and giving him the spark of life on the ceiling of the Sistine Robo-Chapel.

[21:37] I can only assume that's true.

[21:39] You know, where the cyber-pope lives.

[21:43] Okay, anyway, back to the movie.

[21:47] The CIA catches wind, cemetery wind, of Optimus Prime being at Cade Yeager's house.

[21:53] It's kind of implied that his assistant J.T. Miller contacted him.

[21:57] T.J. Miller?

[21:58] I always think it's J.T.

[21:59] Because he's like Justin Taylor Thomas and you mentioned Tool Time earlier.

[22:02] No, Bob Vila, my mistake.

[22:04] Bob Vila was on Tool Time once.

[22:06] Remember, Tim Allen tried to stump him by planting a question from a caller, really

[22:11] his wife, about an old medieval tool.

[22:15] Turns out it's an adze.

[22:17] Bob Vila knew exactly what it was.

[22:19] So, for those keeping score at home, I have trouble remembering my family's birthdays

[22:23] but I remember this plot of this fucking Home Improvement episode that I saw once.

[22:30] Ugh, my brain is terrible.

[22:32] Anyway, so the CIA, but it's never made explicitly clear as far as I can tell.

[22:37] Are you talking about Home Improvement?

[22:40] Is this what it's like to not drink?

[22:44] When he says it's never made explicitly clear, he means the plot of the entire movie.

[22:48] Yeah, everything in the movie, that Miller was the one who called the CIA.

[22:51] But the point is, the CIA show up, there's a big shootout with Optimus Prime.

[22:55] Titus Welliver shows up, you remember him as the bad, weird, metaphysical dude from the end of Lost?

[23:02] I don't remember that.

[23:03] Okay.

[23:04] Anyway, there's a big chase, we're introduced to Mark Wahlberg's daughter's boyfriend Shane

[23:09] who is a race car driver who just got picked up by Red Bull, he says,

[23:13] but nobody seems to recognize him throughout the movie.

[23:16] He seems to be a huge, famous guy.

[23:18] They have a secret trick that they do with the car where he steers and the girlfriend operates the gear shift?

[23:24] I think it's the pull brake.

[23:27] Oh, maybe.

[23:28] And they spin around to go off a ramp and it never gets used again.

[23:32] So that's one of those things where they're like, here's a skill these characters have,

[23:35] we're going to plant it here and then ignore it for the rest of the movie.

[23:38] Yeah, they introduce him as being an awesome driver and then he basically never drives again.

[23:42] Yeah, and of course, Miller for his sins is turning into a Robo-statue.

[23:46] It's like in the second Gunslinger novel where the Gunslinger loses his thumbs and can't shoot his guns.

[23:51] His gun thumbs.

[23:52] Wait, that happened?

[23:53] Oh, sorry.

[23:54] Uh-oh.

[23:55] I mean, I've read up to like, I feel like there's only two of those novels that I haven't read.

[24:01] You read up to the sentence where it says, and then his thumbs were,

[24:04] and then you put it down and you didn't pick it up again.

[24:06] I think he actually only loses one of his thumbs.

[24:08] Yeah, he shoots people after that.

[24:10] Let's get one thing straight.

[24:12] I turned off when I found out Stephen King was going to star in them later on.

[24:16] Let's get one thing straight.

[24:17] This movie is about two things.

[24:19] Big robots punching each other and cars chasing each other.

[24:22] There's a lot of car chases and sometimes those car chases inexplicably end in

[24:26] people getting out of cars as explosions blow up around them.

[24:29] This car chase is one of them.

[24:31] There's a lot of times in this movie where things are blowing up

[24:33] and I'm not quite sure why they're blowing up.

[24:35] It just seems like the Transformers universe is one where...

[24:39] Oxygen plus fuel plus heat equals fire.

[24:44] Thanks, Professor Wizard.

[24:48] Thanks, Mr. Science Guy.

[24:50] Professor Wizard is like Dumbledore, I guess.

[24:54] Because he works at a school.

[24:56] He works at a school. He runs the school, Dan.

[25:01] Like Steve Jobs worked at Apple.

[25:03] He's a custodian, right?

[25:07] He works in admissions.

[25:08] He worked his way up from custodian to dean.

[25:10] I mean, if you call a job you love working,

[25:12] then yeah, I guess he worked at Hogwarts.

[25:16] The Transformers seem to exist in a universe where

[25:19] Gambit stopped by and charged up every object

[25:22] so that you just need to nudge it and it explodes.

[25:24] Yeah, and as you pointed out,

[25:26] the Transformers are constantly hitting each other and exploding

[25:30] and little bits of them are flying off,

[25:32] but it does not seem to affect their ability to be alive.

[25:36] Yeah, there's like a spray of shrapnel and screws.

[25:39] It's like if you saw a movie starring people

[25:41] where every punch knocked like 30 teeth out of their mouth

[25:44] and then they went and had dinner

[25:46] and they're just eating steak and things like that.

[25:50] I kind of wish there was a scene in this movie

[25:52] where a Transformer sat down for dinner.

[25:56] At the end, Optimus Prime is impaled with a giant sword

[25:58] and he's pretty much fine.

[26:00] He's kind of like the girlfriend in Cloverfield

[26:02] who's impaled on that rebar or whatever it is

[26:04] and they just slide her off and she's okay

[26:06] for the rest of the movie.

[26:08] But the good guys escape and it leads to a game of...

[26:11] L.A., real quick, how can you tell which robot

[26:14] is stronger than the other robots?

[26:16] Is it the paint job?

[26:18] It seems to be whoever needs to win a fight

[26:20] for the purposes of that scene.

[26:22] Because there are times when the bad guys

[26:24] are stronger than the good guys

[26:26] and times when the good guys are stronger than the bad guys.

[26:28] Just like real life.

[26:30] They introduce some...

[26:33] It's deep, Dan, it's very deep.

[26:35] They introduce the Dinobots later on, spoiler,

[26:37] and the Dinobots are terrifyingly strong

[26:39] until the movie needs them to be weak,

[26:41] in which case they spend a lot of time tripping over their own feet

[26:43] and falling down.

[26:45] Just falling off of buildings over and over again.

[26:47] Like there's a bunch of robo-banana peels

[26:50] strewn about for them to slip on.

[26:52] Anyway, a game of cat and mouse ensues

[26:54] between the CIA and Cade Yeager and pals.

[26:56] This is totally pointless.

[26:59] Because then Cade Yeager decides to sneak into

[27:02] KSI, a corporation that is

[27:04] making new Transformers

[27:06] out of the bodies of old Transformers

[27:08] and is run by...

[27:10] Stanley Tucci, eh?

[27:12] I wish he decided to play the character

[27:15] of the over-the-top Italian.

[27:17] It's going to be when he wins

[27:19] his Academy Award for this role

[27:21] and they announce his victory.

[27:23] Crawl over, Roberto.

[27:25] He walks over all the seats.

[27:27] I make love to all of your face.

[27:29] Buongiorno, Transformer press!

[27:31] Life is a Transformer beautiful!

[27:33] Eh, is that a thing?

[27:35] Et cetera.

[27:37] But he doesn't seem to necessarily be evil.

[27:40] He's just interested in harnessing

[27:42] Transformer technology.

[27:44] He seems pretty evil at first.

[27:46] All he cares about is

[27:48] Transformer technology.

[27:50] He sees them as things that he can rip apart.

[27:52] He's torturing one of them,

[27:54] this tiny little irritating guy,

[27:56] to get information about Transformers.

[27:58] He's always a racist voice.

[28:02] We meet some of the other Transformers

[28:04] who are just hiding out in the desert

[28:06] behind a bunch of boots and things like that.

[28:08] And maces.

[28:10] And they are Fatbot,

[28:12] the fat robot who fires guns a lot.

[28:14] There's Samuraibot, the samurai robot.

[28:16] Yeah, he's a Japanese robot for some reason.

[28:18] And there's the robot with the trench coat

[28:20] and kind of like a Jason Statham type accent.

[28:22] Yeah.

[28:24] And, uh...

[28:26] John DiMaggio is doing a British voice.

[28:29] I wish he had done gender's voice.

[28:31] Is John DiMaggio tired of being typecast

[28:33] as a robot?

[28:35] Probably.

[28:37] And everyone knows the part he was born to play

[28:39] was the secret son of Joe DiMaggio.

[28:43] Why is it a secret?

[28:45] And Bumblebee's there.

[28:47] And Bumblebee, who is a con.

[28:49] Yeah, fan favorite, Bumblebee.

[28:51] Weirdly enough,

[28:53] is the easiest to understand of all the robots.

[28:55] Let me say this

[28:57] about Transformers real quick.

[28:59] When I was a kid, I loved the Transformers.

[29:01] But I apparently did not love them enough

[29:03] to remember almost any of the characters.

[29:05] So I don't know if these characters

[29:07] are from the cartoon series.

[29:09] I don't know if they're from the Marvel comic series.

[29:11] Bumblebee is.

[29:13] The characters I remember are Optimus Prime,

[29:15] Bumblebee, Starscream.

[29:17] Is that a guy?

[29:19] Grimlock.

[29:21] And the one that turned into a boombox.

[29:23] And the other guy who turned into a tape.

[29:25] The bad one?

[29:27] Swimbox.

[29:29] Crunchflakes.

[29:31] There was Juicebox.

[29:33] Doctor Transforms.

[29:35] Weirdly enough, not a doctor robot.

[29:37] No, no, no.

[29:39] He was a doctor of English literature.

[29:41] He was a bookmobile?

[29:43] He transformed into a bookmobile.

[29:45] Here's the thing about the Transformers.

[29:47] Of all of those 80s cartoons

[29:49] that were designed to

[29:51] sell toys.

[29:54] In this case were designed around

[29:56] pre-existing Japanese toys.

[29:58] Transformers were a brilliant...

[30:00] toy line that then once you try to make like turn into a story didn't make any

[30:05] sense. I'll tell you they were better than that toy line where it was robots

[30:07] that transformed into rocks. Do you remember those? Yeah those weren't

[30:10] transformers. No no it was a different toy line and when they were not

[30:13] transformed they looked like crazy monsters but then they just turned into

[30:16] rocks. Yeah but it's not so exciting. You know like it's great when you're a kid

[30:21] it's great to play with a toy where it's like oh this is a vehicle and then it

[30:25] transforms into a robot but then when you try to justify that with a story

[30:29] everything falls apart. The idea is these robots have to hide amongst us or else we'll be

[30:34] frightened and I guess destroy them or something that's why that one turns into

[30:38] a giant boombox because if you just saw that on the street you'd be like oh yeah

[30:43] that's that giant boombox that keeps moving around. That Klaus Oldenburg

[30:48] sculpture of a giant boombox. Here's the thing I think there's certain things

[30:52] that work. It's that dinosaur that's always around. A robot? Oh no thank

[31:00] goodness it's just that Tyrannosaurus like you'd see on an ordinary street.

[31:11] Oh no it's just a giant gun big enough for a giant robot to use. Here's the

[31:16] thing about cartoons and movies I'll just say it right here there are certain

[31:20] things that I will buy in a children's cartoon such as robots from outer space

[31:25] that transform into cars befriend children are in a battle with bad robots

[31:30] from space that transform to cars that I will not buy in a live-action film and

[31:34] as but I do love how like there is I don't think there's any way to do a

[31:38] Transformers movie where I'm gonna buy into the premise in a live-action sense

[31:42] yeah but I do love that adult humans had to stand in front of a camera and say

[31:46] things like activating Gravitron and stuff like that and that Kelsey Grammer

[31:51] had to talk at me like we I don't want any alien robots on my planet say tell

[31:56] me where Optimus Prime I went from and he was like I was in down Paris I was a

[32:06] boss there's a here's the thing again I went as a kid it bothered me when

[32:13] grown-ups were in these movies and they were like whatever it's some stupid

[32:16] cartoon thing like Jerry Irons in the D&D movie yeah but now I love that stuff

[32:20] I love thinking about these adult actors reading description be like I don't know

[32:24] what the fuck I'm doing in this thing I don't know but it'll buy me a car and

[32:28] sometimes when you have a guy like Stanley Tucci to get back to where we

[32:31] were before he manages to bring a level of ham to it that's very enjoyable yeah

[32:36] so Stanley Tucci is the head of this company where they're making new robots

[32:39] out of transformium he introduces that idea by picking up a ball of

[32:44] transformium that looks like an egg and then it flies around a lot like shitty

[32:48] lawnmower man CGI yeah and they're all going ooh and we the audience are just

[32:54] cracking up because it looks hilarious terrible it looks like the CGI demo that

[33:00] they'd package with like a video you bought in the early 90s the late 80s it

[33:05] looks like a bad screensaver yeah you expect just a shitload of pipes and

[33:10] flying toasters to come out of it yeah not to say that was a bad screen would

[33:14] be the clipart guy should have shown up and complained about how she showed up

[33:18] in the corner of the screen said it looks like you need help making this

[33:21] movie maybe make it less shitty they for some reason they're able to there they

[33:29] decide to infiltrate ksi this company but bumblebee gets mad because there's

[33:34] all these promotional videos that are being projected on walls where they're

[33:37] just shit talking about bumblebee they made a promotional video where

[33:43] scientists and a model are like it's based on the plans for bumblebee our new

[33:47] robot stinger but bumblebee was very bad he was a crappy robot in fact he was the

[33:53] junkiest of the junk bots and bumblebee takes it personally of course cuz

[33:57] they're literally calling him out and it's also another thing where it's like

[34:00] the same way that there's something funny about how in the Marvel Universe

[34:04] Wolverine is now just a character that regular people know of that like in the

[34:09] Transformers universe the average person is expected to know who bumblebee is

[34:17] they're just reporters going up to people on the street going excuse me

[34:21] what do you feel about what bumblebee said about the economy like optimus

[34:25] prime is a name that a normal person would hear and read in the newspaper

[34:29] bumblebee sucks is trending now and I want to read like a New York Times

[34:34] article about the events where it's like mr. prime stated that he and mr. what's

[34:41] the what's the magnet what's the bad guy Decepticon Jager no no the bad guy

[34:45] Decepticon Megatron Megatron Galvatron Galvatron no but the Galvatron is

[34:49] Omnicron Chronomon Bonchon Onanist wait hold on no that's a different thing

[35:00] anyway they prom prom prom bones bot senior prom bot okay and mit rom bot now

[35:12] so here's the thing I have to say here's the thing a lot cuz I'm trying to figure

[35:16] out what the thing is about this movie there's another thing in this movie it's

[35:21] empty at its core there's another fight that turns out they're trying to make a

[35:24] robot called Galvatron who is also a big big rig truck yeah because what better

[35:31] way to defend America and the earth than to have a big rig truck that turns into

[35:36] a robot but they lose control of Galvatron because it turns out he's

[35:41] actually a reborn Megatron Megatron I cannot remember these it turns out he's

[35:50] actually a reborn Tron legacy turns out Megatron legacy the quickening has has

[35:57] played Stanley Tucci into making a new better body for him and he uses a body

[36:01] that a body like Ultron I mean Ultron makes his own bodies okay so it's it's

[36:09] better than the other transformers because they cut out the middleman when

[36:12] it transforms from a truck to a like a robot man body it turns into this cloud

[36:18] of swirling little boxes yeah man about yeah but they're really big they're like

[36:22] macro nano like giant cubes and it flies around which makes me wonder why do they

[36:27] like Rubik's the magic cube was like a little alien that came out when you sold

[36:33] the cube yeah and then he mostly turned into like a Ferrari or something yeah

[36:37] yeah cuz why not cuz the kid was was driving him yeah this all rich kid yeah

[36:44] the witch kid the kid who's a witch Harry Potter was a wizard I mean it's

[36:53] the same thing dude they're totally different I seem to remember saying

[36:56] someone's yeah so Galvatron is really Megatron and he's made out of cloud of

[37:05] cubes and you're saying why bother why bother to be a truck or a man when you

[37:10] can use all the time the other day I was what I should have called him Cubatron

[37:14] you have a good in junior time the other day I was watching this TV show with my

[37:18] wife about makeup artists and it showed the back of a guy with a long white

[37:23] ponytail and all the makeup artists got super excited and I'm like Charlene it's

[37:28] got to be Julian's it turned out it was Rick Baker but this was a glimpse into

[37:34] how cool her husband is like they're all geeking out because it's the guy

[37:39] from warlock then there's another big fight it turns out Locketron is trying

[37:55] to get Optimus Primatron because he's a bounty hunter working for the creators

[37:59] of the Transformers who want to take the Transformers back for some reason it

[38:03] turns out there was some breed of Transformer a recall mystical is some

[38:07] faulty parts is a fart faulty soul and if you if you rear end up to this prime

[38:13] he's just gonna blow up yeah cuz everything in the movie blows up all the

[38:16] time if you look at something weird in the movie it blows up so here's where

[38:20] there are two plots that diverge and converge seemingly at random where

[38:24] grant law law why don't you take dog will make all the difference I took the

[38:30] plot less traveled by which was the one out of this movie yeah dog the bounty

[38:35] hunter Tron from outer space is trying to collect these nights of the Robo

[38:40] sphere or something like that of which Optimus Prime is one so he kidnaps him

[38:45] and the heroes have to go save him meanwhile at the same time and Mark

[38:49] Wahlberg's daughter also gets kidnapped meaning that they now get to wander

[38:53] through a HR Geiger to the point where it's close enough that HR Geiger can't

[38:58] sue them yeah but if anyone could do it it's HR Geiger yeah he'd have he'd come

[39:05] back to some sort of sexual mechanical organic like a gun that comes out of

[39:12] lockdown box face you would it would be like the robot penis from the end of

[39:17] Tetsuo the Iron Man sure would come charging at you and then it would hand

[39:20] you legal papers and say you got served show up in court you're being sued for

[39:25] copyright infringement yeah now at the same time grab a mega Galvatron is

[39:31] looking for a thing called the seed which Stanley Tucci has control of

[39:35] somehow because let's just say one thing objects and characters in this movie

[39:39] appear and disappear at random depending on when they're needed there's a woman

[39:43] who works for Stanley Tucci who disappears for a long period of the

[39:46] movie and then it's suddenly just with him running around and you're like wait

[39:49] was he carrying her in his pocket like did she was she taking a nap inside of

[39:54] his ear like how did she's like she's like Elvis in true romance kind of

[39:58] giving him advice yeah

[40:00] Yeah, does she exist or is she just a projection? Is she a Tyler Durden type figure?

[40:04] Played by Sophia Miles, by the way, who I remember from...

[40:07] Spoiled Dude?

[40:08] Sorry, sorry to spoil Fight Club.

[40:10] I remember from Terry Zweigoff's failed follow-up Art School Confidential.

[40:15] Ah, okay.

[40:17] Great Adam Scott performance on that one.

[40:19] Yeah.

[40:20] Is there such a thing as a not great Adam Scott performance?

[40:22] Call us Adam Scott. Call in. Call into the program.

[40:25] Tell us if you have an idea of what your worst performance is.

[40:29] So, Mega Galvatron wants the seed which will explode with the power of a tactile nuke

[40:36] and turn people into metal for Transformers to eat.

[40:39] People, dinosaurs, whoever.

[40:41] Optimus Prime is captured in a ship hovering over Chicago,

[40:45] which they're like, the engines are set to go in nine minutes, we've got to save him.

[40:49] Fifteen minutes later, that ship has gone nowhere,

[40:52] and they're still running around inside it trying to find Optimus Prime.

[40:55] Two plot lines converge in Hong Kong, where the good guys fight a bunch of Decepticons,

[41:01] while Optimus Prime beats down a Tyrannosaurus robot.

[41:07] That's where Optimus Prime is like, I've got to call upon the power of dinosaurs.

[41:13] That's the other thing.

[41:14] Characters in the movie state what they're doing in just the blandest...

[41:19] There's a part where Optimus Prime says, now to show them why we're here,

[41:23] and that we're here and what we're doing, or something like that.

[41:26] That's his battle cry.

[41:29] Later on, at the end, he goes, there are many questions we're not meant to answer,

[41:32] but why we are here is not one of them.

[41:35] Really, that seems like the main question that's never going to get answered.

[41:39] There's a big fight, all the bad guys are defeated, hooray.

[41:42] Yeah, I fall asleep somewhere in here.

[41:45] There's all the good guys all work together to defeat the bounty hunter.

[41:49] When he let the Dinobots free, he said,

[41:53] the legend is true in a completely different language.

[41:56] I'm assuming Japanese.

[41:58] But also, what legend of Dinobots have we heard about before this?

[42:03] The legend of the trailer of Transformers Age of Extinction.

[42:08] The legend of the cardboard stand-up in the lobby.

[42:11] The big billboard in Times Square that had Optimus Prime riding a dinosaur on it.

[42:16] And that's over two hours into the movie.

[42:19] Oh, the Dinobots don't show up until the last scene.

[42:22] The opening of the movie is a bunch of dinosaurs getting covered in metal

[42:26] and turning to ash or some shit.

[42:28] So you assume you're immediately like, oh my God, it's going to be all dinosaurs and robots.

[42:32] These dinosaurs must be really important to the plot.

[42:34] They certainly can't just be another added weapon that the heroes use at the last minute

[42:38] for a little bit and then forget about.

[42:41] Because when Optimus Prime wins, the Dinobots are just allowed to wander off freely.

[42:47] These enormous thousand-foot dinosaur robots just walking the earth doing whatever.

[42:52] Looking for employment.

[42:55] One of the other robots is like, I'll ride with you anytime.

[42:58] How about forever and now?

[43:00] Why don't you watch those guys? Make sure they don't eat any humans.

[43:03] And all throughout this, there's characters chasing other characters.

[43:07] Things are exploding. People are yelling.

[43:09] The shots don't always match up.

[43:11] You have to figure out information that should be just told to you.

[43:14] While there's information you know that's told to you over and over again.

[43:17] Like if the characters run into an elevator to escape someone who's shooting a gun at them,

[43:21] they go, an elevator. The elevator door won't close.

[43:24] We got to get out of this elevator. I'll get out of the elevator.

[43:27] And like a giant magnet starts pulling up all the cars in Hong Kong to get the Transformers.

[43:32] And they're like, a magnet. The magnet's still pulling us.

[43:35] Get in the car. The magnet's pulling the car.

[43:38] Like we're listening to a radio show.

[43:40] It seems like it's this unstoppable weapon.

[43:44] And then all of a sudden, Optimus Prime just shoots it a couple of times.

[43:47] And they're totally like, oh, it's done.

[43:49] The entire bad guy spaceship.

[43:51] And so at the end, Optimus Prime leaves them and says, your family is great.

[43:56] Defends them forever.

[43:58] And Mark Wahlberg and his daughter, any conflict they had is settled.

[44:02] Which just shows if you're a father having a son connecting with your daughter,

[44:06] go on a three-hour adventure where you're fighting robots and everything will be fine.

[44:10] And Optimus Prime flies off into space to confront his creators,

[44:14] to tell them Earth is off limits.

[44:16] Because why not steal the end of Prometheus while you're at it?

[44:19] Sure, go ahead.

[44:20] So Transformers 5. But anyway.

[44:23] Optimus.

[44:24] Transformers.

[44:27] Fast 5 formers.

[44:29] Much like this movie, we've run long.

[44:33] So I think we need to skip to Final Judgements.

[44:35] Whether this is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like.

[44:39] I'm going to start and say that for like an hour and 20 minutes,

[44:45] I was like, this is kind of stupid fun.

[44:49] Because like, here's the thing about Michael Bay.

[44:52] Like, he makes terrible movies.

[44:55] But there's something about his bombast I sometimes find charming.

[44:58] Now while we were watching the movie, you were arguing the point that Michael Bay is a craftsman.

[45:02] Whereas I would say he is just Lord of the Hacks.

[45:05] I wasn't arguing. I was not.

[45:07] He's the best of the hacks.

[45:09] You compared him to like an Italian shoemaker.

[45:11] That's not true.

[45:12] Or like, I think you used the word Stradivarius of Action at one point.

[45:15] No, none of these things came.

[45:17] By craftsman, if I used that word, I just meant that he applies more like.

[45:22] He's a light touch.

[45:25] He is subtle and elegant.

[45:28] What you're saying is he has a lot of technical skill that a lot of other hacks do not have.

[45:34] He has a lot of technical skill when it comes to bags of tricks.

[45:37] Slow-mo, shooting shots, backlit or at dusk or dawn.

[45:41] Like, things flying around a lot.

[45:43] What he doesn't have is craft of this shot matches to this shot.

[45:48] Now we know that character went from here to there.

[45:50] This is where I'm going.

[45:51] Like, he has a lot of bombast.

[45:54] There's something kind of charming about that for a while.

[45:57] He's almost over. He needs one more piece and then I'll have the entire puzzle.

[46:00] There's something kind of charming for that for a while.

[46:03] Like listening to like a John Philip Sousa march.

[46:05] But you don't want to hear like three fucking hours of like a Sousa march at top volume.

[46:12] Well, you wouldn't hear the same march.

[46:14] It would be a concert of different Sousa marches.

[46:16] With Michael Bay, you're hearing the same Sousa march for three hours.

[46:20] And so by the end of it – or not even by the end.

[46:23] Like by the –

[46:25] Like 40 minutes in.

[46:26] One third in, I'm like, OK, all coherence to this story is lost.

[46:30] And now I have no interest in what's happening.

[46:32] And that's why I'm going to say if you watch this movie in three pieces, it would be a good bad movie.

[46:37] That's true.

[46:38] Because it's crazily stupid.

[46:39] I don't know that I've ever seen a movie this dumb.

[46:42] And I've seen dumb movies.

[46:44] But this movie is super dumb in a way that like –

[46:47] I haven't seen other Transformers movies in a long time since I've seen a new Michael Bay movie

[46:51] because he's been making Transformers movies for a while.

[46:53] But this movie reaches a level of stupid that I found very entertaining to make fun of.

[46:59] But it's long, so you'd have to watch it in like three pieces.

[47:03] Yeah, I mean it's tough to say because this is basically like a three-hour-long movie trailer.

[47:11] Like a lot of cuts, a lot of like shots from down below looking up at you, all kinds of shit.

[47:19] It doesn't really make any sense, and it ends up not even being that much fun.

[47:23] So I would say bad, bad movie.

[47:28] All right, so we actually have a few sponsors tonight for the podcast.

[47:35] I have a very special sponsor, so I think maybe I'll go last.

[47:38] Sure.

[47:39] Do one of you guys?

[47:40] Yeah, I'll jump in.

[47:41] Tonight, guys, The Flophouse is supported in part by Audible.com,

[47:45] the Internet's leading provider of spoken audio information, entertainment, and infotainment.

[47:52] Audible is offering Flophouse listeners a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial membership.

[47:57] Go to audiblepodcast.com slash flophouse.

[48:01] That way you can get a free audiobook of your choice now at audiblepodcast.com slash flophouse.

[48:06] It is the website of choice of the real flop housewives of Kings County's book club.

[48:13] What are those housewives reading right now?

[48:17] Do you know?

[48:18] I don't know.

[48:19] Something my wife is complaining about.

[48:20] It's a Meg Wurlitzer novel.

[48:21] All right.

[48:22] And I think that my wife chose, and I think the other wives are not happy about it.

[48:27] But I say, yeah, listen to it and call on Audible, audible.com, that is.

[48:31] I hear that they're movies for your mind.

[48:33] No, that's a blunt statement.

[48:35] Oh, okay.

[48:36] I only read that.

[48:37] I've never heard that.

[48:38] This is an Audible book on tape, which is different.

[48:40] Okay.

[48:41] Right?

[48:42] Yeah.

[48:43] It's a movie for your mind.

[48:44] It's a guy reading a book.

[48:45] Sometimes it's the author.

[48:48] Other times it's a celebrity.

[48:49] But there's no tape.

[48:50] It's like a file.

[48:51] Sometimes it's Powers Booth.

[48:53] The point is, if you go to Audible, you get a…

[48:57] Yeah, you get a free audiobook of your choice at audiblepodcast.com slash flophouse.

[49:02] But not a tape.

[49:05] No, I think it's a digital file.

[49:07] Okay.

[49:08] Although I guess you can record it to tape if you have that technology.

[49:12] Well, yeah, if you're a transformer or something, like a big boombox with a little robot tape in it.

[49:16] Yeah.

[49:17] Hey, another sponsor is Squarespace.

[49:20] Is that your space for squares and nerds?

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[49:53] It's easy to remember because it's the name of your favorite podcast.

[49:56] Squarespace, start here, go anywhere is their slogan.

[50:00] And lastly, this is an ad, dear to your heart, a product you use, a friend of the show, and so it's for, now look, we all love dildos guys.

[50:19] I think I'm not going to buy into this premise.

[50:22] Who doesn't love a good dildo?

[50:25] If you say so, I guess.

[50:26] What's the main problem with dildos?

[50:29] They're not open source enough.

[50:32] I'll explain what that means.

[50:34] Have you ever wanted your dildo to be more open source?

[50:38] Well, the good people at Comingle have done it.

[50:42] Like a wiki dildo?

[50:44] They've got a campaign going on right now for their multi-vibrating open source dildo platform, which means you can program this fucking dildo.

[50:55] To do what?

[50:56] To do your homework?

[50:58] To bring me a beer?

[51:00] Remind me when my grandma's birthday is, dildo.

[51:05] What you do is you hook this dildo up to whatever sensor you want to.

[51:09] You can control it by squeezing a stuffed animal.

[51:12] You can control it by the movement of a whip you might hit your partner with.

[51:16] You can control it with your own pulse or the very thrusting you do in and out of your partner.

[51:25] Or just you can hook this dildo up to Skype and the dildo responds to Skype stimuli.

[51:34] So at Comingle, that's C-O-M-I-N-G-L-E dot I-O, we have been hard at work for over a year and a half, they say, to bring you our flagship product, the MOD,

[51:50] which is our multi-vibrating open source dildo platform.

[51:54] It's body-safe silicone.

[51:57] It's gender neutral.

[51:58] Now that's a cool MOD.

[51:59] And you can control it with whatever sensor you like.

[52:04] So start imagining your fantastic use for the MOD today, guys.

[52:09] So I want to thank all our sponsors, Squish and Audible, for the last time that I think they will be buying space from us.

[52:15] It's a little more.

[52:17] This is quite a pitch for this dildo, Dan.

[52:21] Well, they want you to go to Comingle.io to contribute to the Indiegogo campaign and purchase your own MOD dildo while supplies last.

[52:31] Now, look, the people behind this open source dildo, they've given us a few examples.

[52:45] I'll see you guys later.

[52:47] Say for Elliot.

[52:49] I'm going to go now.

[52:50] Say for Elliot. Elliot wants to program his dildo to respond as he pleases.

[52:55] Elliot's dildo, say, could be hooked up to a microphone to make his sultry letter songs even more sexy.

[53:02] Stewart.

[53:03] It's like a Howard Stern situation.

[53:05] The sensors can keep a log of activity during sex to later compile into infographics as visual aids for your sex describing.

[53:14] Wait, for your sex records?

[53:16] What, for tax purposes?

[53:17] Yeah.

[53:18] And for me, Dan McCoy.

[53:20] You can put it in a butt.

[53:22] I could hook it up to a computer vision butt detector to have the dildo go extra crazy at the sight of butts.

[53:33] You're going to put a parental advisory at the beginning of this episode, right?

[53:36] They've all got parental advisory.

[53:39] What?

[53:40] There's so much swearing.

[53:42] All explicit content.

[53:44] So if you're interested in an open source dildo, I can't imagine why you would not go to Comingle.io.

[53:55] Buy a dildo.

[53:56] Donate to their Indiegogo campaign.

[53:58] And thank you to all our sponsors.

[54:00] What kind of apps does it come with?

[54:02] Like jalapeno poppers.

[54:05] Like chicken wings.

[54:08] Onion blossom.

[54:10] I believe that if you're not programming savvy, the people at Comingle have some programs you can download to help you start programming your dildo.

[54:21] It's a really worthwhile opportunity.

[54:24] Because I've always thought, the thing about dildos, they're too simple.

[54:27] Let's complicate them a little bit.

[54:29] It's a sex-ertunity.

[54:31] Look, I know there's a lot of pervozoids and pervo-sex.

[54:34] I feel like that should be your catchphrase now.

[54:35] It's a sex-ertunity.

[54:38] It's certainly a pickup line.

[54:39] There's a lot of pervozoids and pervo-sex listening.

[54:41] We'd be very happy to have more digital control of their faux-fallies.

[54:46] They're like, my dildo options are limited.

[54:50] And now my dildo options are unlimited.

[54:52] I only have a certain amount of money in my dildo budget.

[54:55] Where do I spend my dildo dollars?

[54:57] So, thank you.

[55:00] What's the exchange rate between dildo dollars and American dollars?

[55:03] It's 14 space bucks.

[55:06] Thank you to audible.com, squarespace.com, and comingle.io.

[55:13] Okay, cool.

[55:14] Now, what's the next step of this podcast?

[55:17] Well, in lieu of letters, you know.

[55:20] In lieu of letters.

[55:22] No letters today.

[55:23] No letters for you.

[55:25] Letters not here.

[55:27] We got no letters.

[55:29] Okay, so.

[55:30] Yeah, in lieu of letters.

[55:31] I mean, they're sort of like letters.

[55:34] We had a live show for our last show, so we haven't been together since Christmas.

[55:40] It's been a long time.

[55:41] But we've got some gifts here that I wanted to distribute, like a late Santa Claus.

[55:47] Santa Claus died?

[55:49] That's so sad.

[55:51] I mean, he never brought me any presents, anti-Semitic pieces.

[55:54] He was burned upon a funeral bier.

[55:57] Oh, yeah, because he's like a Viking type or something, right?

[56:02] Fighting the warlord Krompus.

[56:06] The elves push off his funeral pyre into the Arctic Sea.

[56:11] This first one is for Stuart alone.

[56:13] Mrs. Claus is now the war maiden of the tribe.

[56:16] She's burned upon the bier with him.

[56:19] She threw herself upon it.

[56:20] That's terrible.

[56:21] No gift for you and I, Elliot, I'm afraid.

[56:25] Why would we have any?

[56:26] It's from Brian, last name withheld, who has given Stuart...

[56:32] My gift is each day I get to spend with you fine people.

[56:35] ...given Stuart a Full Moon Toys Legend of Horror action figure series Castle Freak.

[56:41] Okay, let me check under that skirt.

[56:43] What?

[56:45] He writes, I hope the figurine is anatomically correct in order to put to bed once and for all the question

[56:50] if Castle Freak did truly rip off its ding dong.

[56:53] Thanks for all the laughs.

[56:54] Brian, last name redacted.

[56:56] Now, I mean, the absence of a ding dong does not prove anything.

[57:00] He could have lost that in a farm accident.

[57:03] Yeah.

[57:04] Now, this just means that Stuart can now act out the scenes he wishes were in Castle Freak.

[57:10] Is he standing in front of a giant tombstone?

[57:12] I don't really know.

[57:13] Is that a piece of wood?

[57:15] I don't know, but, Stuart, this gives you a chance, I think, to replug your...

[57:19] Your Castle Freak screen.

[57:20] Perfect, yeah.

[57:21] I'm going to get this autographed by the Freak himself.

[57:24] The actor who played Giorgio the Freak is going to be at the Alamo Drafthouse in Yonkers,

[57:29] Yonkers, New York, on February 21st.

[57:32] It's Saturday night.

[57:33] I think it's at 8 or something.

[57:34] Just check the website.

[57:37] I'll be, I guess, hosting it alongside the titular Freak, the actor who played the Castle Freak.

[57:44] So, come on down to the Alamo Drafthouse, February 21st.

[57:48] So, this second, we got some gifts from Kevin Brady, who sent a Christmas card.

[57:54] That's very nice.

[57:55] With him and Terry Crews.

[57:58] Whoa!

[57:59] So that's pretty good, just in and of itself.

[58:01] But I'll just read out these gifts.

[58:04] Here's one for you, Elliot.

[58:05] Oh, thanks, Dan.

[58:06] Here's one for you, Stuart.

[58:07] They all have Alan Ruck wrapping paper.

[58:10] I already unwrapped mine.

[58:12] Oh, couldn't wait, huh?

[58:13] Well, I read the letter, and I...

[58:19] Unwrapping sounds, unwrapping sounds.

[58:21] Unwrapping, unwrapping.

[58:22] Theater of the year.

[58:23] I read the letter, and I happen to already own the thing that he got me.

[58:27] Don't tell him that.

[58:29] No, no, I think it will make him appreciate me.

[58:31] Let me guess, it's a dildo that's not open source.

[58:33] It's a collection of Andy Sedaris movies.

[58:38] You do, you have the complete collection, yeah.

[58:41] Well, he got me a package of Abraham Lincoln Band-Aids.

[58:45] Well, that's great for when you get all your dings and nicks and cuts.

[58:48] Yeah, unfortunately, there's one wound these Band-Aids will not be able to help you with,

[58:51] and that's a gunshot to the back of the head.

[58:54] Are you expecting one of those?

[58:56] No, you never expect them.

[58:57] And I got a novelty bottle opener, which is great.

[59:00] I usually drink cans, but I guess I can make a change.

[59:05] And the novelty bottle opener is in the shape of my dreadlord, Cthulhu.

[59:11] Wise dreaming in Relia, the sunken city.

[59:14] Kevin Middledame with Held Brady writes,

[59:16] Dearest Peaches, with another crazy year in the books,

[59:19] I wanted to take a moment to send along my appreciation for all that you guys do.

[59:22] This time of year, what better way to show your appreciation than with gifts wrapped in shiny paper?

[59:27] Incidentally, I can't take credit for the amazing Ruckmas gift wrap.

[59:31] I'm simply recycling it after it was used by Jonathan Howells to wrap my gifts

[59:35] for the Facebook group Secret St. Nicholas Cage Extravaganza.

[59:39] That's how you bought that somewhere.

[59:41] For Dan, from one perversoid to perversoid number one,

[59:44] I gift to you the works of Mr. Andy Sedaris from Malibu Express

[59:48] all the way to my personal favorite, Return to Savage Beast.

[59:51] I haven't watched that one yet.

[59:52] Beach.

[59:53] Beach, yeah.

[59:54] Return to Savage Beast.

[59:55] That's a completely different movie.

[59:56] Mr. Sedaris brightened our television screens with the likes of Sybil Danning.

[1:00:00] Julie K Smith and the lovely Julie Strain more importantly he brightened our screens with their boobs

[1:00:04] Well that yeah, but yes, and I can only you're really more interested in Julie K Smith's acting

[1:00:10] I can only hope these twelve friend films bring

[1:00:19] Bring you a few minutes of joy whenever the wife isn't around for Elliot

[1:00:24] Masturbating as a new father you're going to run into a lot of ouchies and boo-boos in the coming years

[1:00:30] You're going to guide young Sammy's he selects a hero any hero who isn't his father allow me to assist in stirring him away from

[1:00:35] lame-os

[1:00:36] Like spider-man and x-men those phony so-called heroes written by hack writers

[1:00:41] Relied heavily on some gag silly powers and talking dinosaur meant to entertain readers guy really does not like me or my work

[1:00:48] Well, I hope that instead of covering up scrapes and cuts with false idols

[1:00:51] You will use these band-aids featuring the image of a real hero who didn't rely on four colors

[1:00:56] Who did just fine in monochrome I present to you a package of Abraham Lincoln bandages

[1:01:02] Thank you, and about that hack writer stuff. I'm totally kidding

[1:01:05] I love spider-man and x-men on sale now at your local comic book store issue 2 comes out January 28th

[1:01:10] Finally for Stewart buy it and throw it away, and then buy another one

[1:01:15] How does a party animal keep it real when yuppies and hipsters roll into his bar and have the audacity to order some fancy?

[1:01:21] Bullshit beer that doesn't come in a wide mouth can or with a twist off top

[1:01:24] How about by popping the top of their

[1:01:27] Chimay or almond gag with the those things I don't know assistance of an elder

[1:01:32] God I hope that this Cthulhu bottle opener helps you to always remain the silver bullet drinking ultimate party, dude

[1:01:38] You've always been in closing

[1:01:40] Thanks again for watching the shit movies

[1:01:41] So we don't have to and for providing hours of entertainment to the amazing community of floppers you brought together

[1:01:47] Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah and continued success in 2015 years in floppiness

[1:01:52] Kevin middle name without Brady

[1:01:55] Thank you very much

[1:01:57] Further ensuring the key to getting your letter read aloud is by giving a sweet gifts

[1:02:03] Yeah, or by giving Dan access to boobs on tape. Yeah, that's a sweet gift. Yeah, it's the gift that keeps on giving

[1:02:10] Has to give himself that gift

[1:02:14] So

[1:02:16] Now it's time for our final

[1:02:19] Segment for the show. Yeah, what's that recommendations of movies? We actually liked

[1:02:24] Instead of

[1:02:27] Thus ending our spontaneous Michael Bay theme month. Yeah

[1:02:33] Elliot is there anything you want to

[1:02:36] promote I would

[1:02:39] Recommend I

[1:02:41] Will I think I'd like to recommend a movie I saw recently that I really liked a lot

[1:02:45] Which affected me deeply which is perhaps the exact opposite of what we watched tonight

[1:02:50] And that would be winter light directed by Ingmar Bergman and starring Ingrid Thulin and Gunnar Bjornstrand

[1:02:57] It's the story of a priest in a small town

[1:03:01] in Sweden who is

[1:03:04] Struggling with faith. He has almost totally lost his faith in the existence of God and

[1:03:09] When a parishioner comes to him feeling with the same spiritual trouble the parishioner is shocked and horrified

[1:03:16] To find that the priest is struggling with the same

[1:03:20] Doubts and the priest is also in a kind of failing

[1:03:24] Romantic relationship with another one of the parishioners and he's forced to confront

[1:03:28] His own powerlessness and suffering and whether that is evidence enough of the faith that perhaps needs to rediscovered himself

[1:03:35] The original title in Swedish was I think the communicants or something like that and

[1:03:42] It's a very much about the need for human beings to communicate and perhaps that the need for speed

[1:03:47] I mean, yeah, it's a he say yes, is it? I have you need

[1:03:52] small role

[1:03:56] But it's shot in a much grimmer and plainer style than a lot of Ingmar Bergman movies others shot by Sven Nyqvist and

[1:04:03] It's a really fast night fist the vigilante the Swedish vigilante sweet night fist

[1:04:10] And he's a tough guy with a soft side, but it's really good if you want something a little deeper, but not inaccessible

[1:04:18] It's the emotions in it are very strong and run run deep and on the as well as on the surface

[1:04:22] So it's like a romantic comedy. Yeah. Yeah, it's a real zinger

[1:04:27] It's a comedy sci-fi adventure

[1:04:30] Anyway winter light just like the dessert I was like

[1:04:34] recommend a movie

[1:04:36] That I saw recently at BAM for the first time and it was actually it was introduced by William Friedkin

[1:04:41] Who I was delighted to see kind of resembled like

[1:04:46] Current Adam West like he was just like an affable

[1:04:49] Like aging man, and you you see William Friedkin films and you think this has got to be a really intense guy

[1:04:54] He's just like a goofy grandpa

[1:04:57] But I did say one point who wants Werther's and just threw them into the audience

[1:05:02] But he introduced a movie. I liked a lot and it was Kosta Gavris's movie Z

[1:05:08] I told you you were gonna like it, which I think that you know

[1:05:13] Early in your film buff career. You have an embarrassment of riches ahead of you

[1:05:17] And then the more you watch movies the the less you get surprised by movies

[1:05:24] But this was like the first time in a long time where I'm like, well, this is kind of a masterpiece I'm watching and

[1:05:30] It's a great movie. It's a very thinly fictionalized version of real events that happened in Greece

[1:05:38] when a

[1:05:40] socialist candidate was assassinated by a

[1:05:44] military

[1:05:45] faction of the government and

[1:05:48] Then the investigation afterwards where it came out what happened and it's it's tense

[1:05:55] It's infuriating. It's a thriller, but it's also kind of funny in a lot of places and it's heartbreaking at the end

[1:06:03] So I recommend it very much. I would call it one of the top movies that has just one letter for a title

[1:06:11] Yeah, so a romantic comedy. Yeah again

[1:06:17] A theme today. Yes, real boy meets cool story. So I'm gonna keep keep with that theme also

[1:06:24] I'm also talking about a movie that touched me deeply

[1:06:28] Talking about a movie called a rock and roll nightmare

[1:06:30] Now rock and roll nightmare was sent to me by a listener from the show

[1:06:35] and to gets like a

[1:06:37] disproportionate

[1:06:39] The least of anybody and gets a lot of naked pictures

[1:06:44] Elliot gets almost no gifts because what can you get the man who has everything life has given me so much already?

[1:06:49] It's true. I have many blessings. Sure, so

[1:06:53] moving on speaking of blessings rock and roll nightmare features

[1:06:57] the acting chops of I think his name is John Michael Thor a

[1:07:04] actor slash heavy metal maniac

[1:07:08] And the movie rock and roll nightmare is about the hit rock band Triton

[1:07:14] Heading off into the wilds of Canada. I'm assuming to record to work on and record their latest album in a

[1:07:23] In a farmhouse out in the middle of nowhere

[1:07:27] that has a recording studio and I guess and

[1:07:30] They while working on the album, you know, they have to work out their personal grievances some there's a little bit of nudity

[1:07:37] There's a little bit of rock and rolling and then all of a sudden some kind of ancient evil that seems to be living there

[1:07:42] Starts picking them off one by one until the only remaining person spoiler alert is our hero John Michael Thor playing John Triton

[1:07:51] And then we get to see probably one of the best modern

[1:07:57] Giant foam monster fighting a man scene. Yeah, I've seen in a very long time. This is a good bad movie

[1:08:03] It is a you know, this is a fun terrible movie so rock and roll nightmare, that's about that's a movie

[1:08:09] I always mix up my head with the movie hard rock zombies

[1:08:12] Which is also a great bit is also a great bad movie and involves over time

[1:08:17] They the running gag of a Nazi puppet eating Nazi puppet zombie eating his own hands and then face

[1:08:24] It'd been like pouring sugar and they're pouring salt and sugar onto himself and like it's really goofy. But anyway

[1:08:33] Yeah, because you'll be too scared to watch it alone tell your mom

[1:08:37] Not to watch it because you won't enjoy it unless you like that kind of thing. Call the call your mom. Chill out, dude

[1:08:46] Write a letter to the president saying watch rock and roll nightmare better than boyhood

[1:08:55] Speaking of boyhood we watched a movie that was almost three hours long today and never again

[1:09:02] Yeah, I'm gonna make a I'm gonna put a time limit on movies that people can ask us to watch

[1:09:07] Yeah, so no to fiddler on the roof

[1:09:11] That was a that was a delight I was glad that you just like Kaye Dieger

[1:09:17] Has to deal with his daughter's loss and fight a laser wolf

[1:09:22] And there were kind of laser wolves in this exactly

[1:09:25] Yeah, we had similarities are eerie to end just to explain that reference

[1:09:30] The flop the other flopsters and

[1:09:32] Some of some other friends came over to our house to watch

[1:09:35] Fiddler on the roof the other night movie that my wife and I watched several times a year usually

[1:09:41] times a year at least

[1:09:43] It was all the more charming for me to watch it for the first time with a group of Jewish people in the house

[1:09:50] Who clearly had seen it over and over and over again because when you're near and dear to their heart

[1:09:56] Jewish like it's a movie you see a lot but uh

[1:10:00] I was curious to me to see a bunch of let's just call you what you are,

[1:10:04] Goyim, for lack of a better word, watching it and being occasionally

[1:10:08] baffled by what was going on and being like, oh, right, you weren't told the

[1:10:12] story of the shtetl pogroms and the Europe to America diaspora

[1:10:16] over and over again like we were. Yeah, I was like, hey, why are those Russians being so mean?

[1:10:20] Hey, guys, why are those Russians being so mean?

[1:10:24] I think when I was doing a brief introduction and I mentioned

[1:10:28] it's not a totally accurate picture of life in a shtetl, but it's kind of the closest

[1:10:32] that we can get in a lot of ways, and one of the people in the room said,

[1:10:36] what's a shtetl? And I was like, well, this is going to be more basic

[1:10:40] than I thought it was going to be. Well, thank you for

[1:10:44] the remedial cultural studies. Hey, it was a nice reminder

[1:10:48] that my people are less than 1% of the world's population.

[1:10:52] And on that note, I guess, we've been the Flophouse. I've been

[1:10:56] Dan McCoy. That's been Elliot Kalin. In a way, I guess you could say Jews are the

[1:11:00] autobots of the world. There's not a lot of us, and we often fight evil robots.

[1:11:04] And I'm Elliot Kalin. Wait, you said my name, Stuart Wellington.

[1:11:08] You said that. Good night, everyone. Thanks for

[1:11:12] listening. And loving. And laughing. And standing

[1:11:16] with honor.

[1:11:20] Let's do this stupid

[1:11:24] thing so I can go home.

[1:11:28] Okay, let's slam this one out.

[1:11:32] Dan, you ready?

[1:11:36] We're going to slam it out, much like I just did in your bathroom.

[1:11:40] Are you okay?

[1:11:44] Sorry.

[1:11:48] In three...

[1:11:52] Two...

[1:11:56] One...

[1:12:22] Org.

Episode #170 - Transformers: Age of Extinction

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