Episode #171 - No Good Deed

[0:00] Just in time for Valentine's Day, we talk about the home invasion romantic comedy, No Good Deed.

[0:08] That's gotta be a mistake.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:40] And I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:43] And I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:46] All three together.

[0:47] We did it.

[0:48] We successfully remembered all of our own names.

[0:50] We did it. It was tough, but we made it through.

[0:52] For those people who said we couldn't.

[0:54] They said we shouldn't.

[0:55] But we did.

[0:56] For those of you tuning in for the first time, this is an old-timey radio play where you get to be the hero.

[1:08] Okay, so you approach the old mansion, expecting to receive your inheritance.

[1:14] In the upstairs window, you see the silhouette of the Dowager Countess.

[1:18] It's a combination of old-time radio and Zork.

[1:21] Old-time Zork.

[1:23] In my day, we didn't even have text adventures.

[1:25] We had to hear it being said to you.

[1:27] Do you, eh?

[1:28] That we shouted at the radio.

[1:29] That we yelled at the radio.

[1:31] Use key, we would say.

[1:33] And the radio would not do anything.

[1:36] It was like, put key in lock.

[1:39] And the radio still wouldn't do anything.

[1:41] We had to write, try key on lock on a piece of paper and mail it to the radio station.

[1:45] They would tally the votes, and then next week, we'd find out what we did.

[1:50] Most of the show was an ad for fudge.

[1:54] Bakersfield Fudge, sponsor of Radio Zork.

[1:58] Wait, you have to bake fudge?

[2:01] It's Bakersfield Fudge.

[2:02] It's from Bakersfield, California.

[2:04] Boy, do I wish that this podcast was more of this rather than what we're actually going to talk about.

[2:09] Could be.

[2:10] We make the rules.

[2:11] We control the horizontal, the vertical, everything.

[2:13] Okay, so since you guys missed the possible options, you can just e-mail me,

[2:17] and I'll give you all your possible actions later.

[2:20] In Radio Zork, brought to you by Bakersfield Fudge.

[2:23] The Bakersfield-ist.

[2:25] It's also the fudgiest.

[2:28] We both went different directions, but the same direction at the same time.

[2:32] Most people go both ways.

[2:34] ACDC, they call it.

[2:36] Anyway, so this is the Flophouse, where we watch a bad movie.

[2:41] It's a movie podcast, right?

[2:43] Well, I wouldn't call it a movie podcast so much as a comedy podcast about movies.

[2:47] Well, we call it the Flophouse.

[2:48] It's some sort of comedy bang-bang type thing.

[2:50] It's one of those comedy bing-bongs.

[2:53] Comedy bing-bong, which is like the bootleg Chinatown version of comedy bang-bang.

[2:58] Not even my joke.

[2:59] Scott Aukerman does that on his own shows.

[3:01] Oh, I don't listen to that show.

[3:03] It's a good show.

[3:04] Am I on that show?

[3:05] If not, then I don't want to listen to it.

[3:07] It's not even on our network.

[3:08] We shouldn't promote it.

[3:09] What network is that, Univision?

[3:11] Earwolf.

[3:13] I once had an awkward conversation with Scott Aukerman, though.

[3:16] He puts the awk in awkward.

[3:19] But he was very nice.

[3:20] Anyway.

[3:21] So is that the movie we watched, a film of your conversation with Scott Aukerman?

[3:24] Yeah, it's an anecdote.

[3:26] It's like an anecdote, but with Aukerman.

[3:28] An onyx-ote made of onyx.

[3:33] No, I tried to say earlier, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[3:37] It's a podcast about movies.

[3:39] No, a podcast about talking.

[3:41] Yes.

[3:42] And the movie we watched tonight was called No Good Deed.

[3:47] It should have been called No Good Movie.

[3:50] Oh, I'm bad.

[3:52] So catty.

[3:53] This kitten's got claws.

[3:56] It starred Taraji P. Henson and Idris Elba.

[4:01] Yes.

[4:02] That's a fact that I can, yes, back up.

[4:05] I will confirm.

[4:07] The evidence supports you.

[4:08] Two of the brightest stars, the Hollywood firmament.

[4:11] Is that the motorcycle movie industry?

[4:14] The Hollywood firmament?

[4:16] Yes.

[4:17] So, you know, Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man, that's one of the movies best known in the Hollywood firmament.

[4:25] Do you think that?

[4:26] Give him more weird words to say.

[4:28] That's how it's going to work.

[4:30] Easy Rider and, of course, Easy Rider, The Ride Back.

[4:32] Sure.

[4:33] So this was, what, a movie?

[4:35] A movie.

[4:36] We watched a movie, Dan.

[4:38] As we said, it stars...

[4:39] What sort of degenerative thing is eating away at your brain?

[4:44] Like a brain worm of some kind.

[4:46] Yeah, like Star Trek, whatever.

[4:48] Idris Elba's in the movie.

[4:50] He was in...

[4:51] So Idris Elba, this is, what, the third Flophouse movie he's been in?

[4:55] He was in Prom Night.

[4:57] He was in Obsessed.

[4:59] He was the object of obsession.

[5:01] And Leslie Bibb is in this, who was also in two other Flophouse movies.

[5:04] Yep.

[5:05] She was in Zookeeper, and she was in, what, Law Abiding Citizen, was that it?

[5:09] Yes.

[5:10] And, you know what, both actors that I like think are talented people, making bad choices.

[5:17] You more than like Idris Elba if the sounds you were making low in your throat during the movie were anything to go by.

[5:23] Yeah, Danny-like.

[5:25] Danny-like.

[5:26] Danny-like?

[5:27] Danny, Danny-like.

[5:29] Daddy Danny.

[5:31] Mm-hmm.

[5:32] More Idris.

[5:33] Never call yourself Danny Danny again.

[5:34] No.

[5:35] Now more Elba.

[5:36] Like some kind of 1930s tap dancing pedophile.

[5:39] Yeah, you'd like more.

[5:40] Daddy Danny.

[5:41] You'd like more Idris.

[5:42] You've had your fill of Elba.

[5:44] Like Napoleon, you would like to get off of Elba.

[5:47] He's a handsome man.

[5:49] We all know that.

[5:50] Oh, sure.

[5:51] He's very handsome.

[5:52] You know, the Internet wants him to be James Bond.

[5:54] Sure.

[5:55] I'd have no problem with that.

[5:56] Maybe when people listen to this podcast in the future, he'll already be James Bond.

[5:59] And they'll be like...

[6:00] So let's just call him James Bond, Idris Elba.

[6:02] Yeah, this will be like a trip down memory lane to back when Idris Elba made terrible choices.

[6:07] And in this movie, he does not yet have a license to kill, as we'll see.

[6:11] In the future.

[6:13] And let's just assume...

[6:14] Spoiler alert.

[6:15] We'll just assume that it's the future now.

[6:17] He is James Bond, and the first James Bond movie he was in of the 13 that he made was called The Limburger Cheese Mystery.

[6:23] And in the future, we're all space tycoons.

[6:26] Interesting naming convention.

[6:28] They've changed...

[6:29] It was called James Bond and the Limburger Cheese Mystery.

[6:33] It was called One of Our Ducklings is Missing, starring James Bond.

[6:37] That was followed by James Bond and the Secret of the Sinister Clock.

[6:43] And then, of course, James Bond in Babysitter's Club.

[6:46] After Dark.

[6:50] James Bond solves the mystery of the farting mummy.

[6:55] It turns out beans were wrapped in with the mummy wrappings.

[6:59] Ian Fleming's Who Goes There?

[7:01] Who goes there?

[7:02] It's James Bond.

[7:03] Starring Idris Elba.

[7:07] Idris Elba will return as James Bond in another Another Stakeout.

[7:12] Too Many Donkeys.

[7:20] I want to see a James Bond movie called Too Many Donkeys so badly now.

[7:24] I love this.

[7:25] Miss Moneypenny.

[7:28] Donkeys turning on.

[7:30] There's too many donkeys.

[7:32] We've got to get to the bottom of it.

[7:34] That's Idris Elba, by the way.

[7:35] This alternative universe where James Bond movies were all made by 1960s live-action Disney.

[7:43] They're all, like, seven hours long.

[7:45] James Bond in the M.I. Apple Dumpling Gang.

[7:49] M is played by Fred McMurray.

[7:53] Licensed to wear tennis shoes on a computer.

[7:56] Dean Jones is cute.

[8:02] And Hayley Mills as Blofeld.

[8:09] So this movie is called No Good Deed.

[8:12] This is a movie that did not screen for critics.

[8:16] I don't know, we're about to be pretty critical.

[8:18] It's screened for us tonight.

[8:20] But it was held back because they claimed the...

[8:27] It couldn't pass the core curriculum tests.

[8:29] It was held back so that critics wouldn't ruin the twist for audiences.

[8:34] We will ruin the twist.

[8:36] Oh, it's like, oh, Henry had sex with M. Night Shyamalan and they gave birth to Chubby Checker.

[8:42] That's what kind of twist it is.

[8:45] Yeah.

[8:46] It's like, Tony Twisterelli had a baby with, like, a braid, because the hair's twisted.

[8:53] Yeah.

[8:54] And that baby grew up and married a pretzel twist.

[8:58] Okay.

[8:59] I don't know if that's legal.

[9:01] And their baby was like a...

[9:04] Was named Thomas Wisp.

[9:06] Inventor of the card game of the same name.

[9:09] So let's talk about what this movie's about.

[9:12] So Idris Elba.

[9:13] We find out quickly what the movie's about because the first five to ten minutes is all exposition.

[9:18] Idris Elba is Colin Evans.

[9:20] Wait a minute.

[9:21] So did you just say Wist now?

[9:23] Is that an actual game?

[9:25] I've gotten one second into the movie.

[9:27] Is that just something that Phineas Fogg talks about?

[9:29] No, Wist is a game.

[9:30] It is a game.

[9:31] It's a game for the wistful.

[9:33] You sit around with a group and you just think back to your happiest childhood memories and how innocent they were.

[9:39] By the way, speaking of which, I would love to know how to play P-Knuckle.

[9:43] Just because...

[9:44] Put some peas on your knuckles.

[9:46] That's how you play it.

[9:47] And then you just weird people out with it.

[9:49] Okay.

[9:50] Hey, you like this?

[9:51] What do you think of this?

[9:52] This is P-Knuckle.

[9:53] So what's the deck of cards I bought in the store for?

[9:55] That's for...

[9:57] That's for the 52 naked ladies, huh?

[10:00] In case you can masturbate to that, or if you ever meet the devil, you can win a game of poker against him and get a magic bag that you can stuff death into.

[10:09] Speaking of stuffing death into things.

[10:11] There's a lot of death being stuffed into this movie.

[10:14] It starts with Idris Elba as Colin Evans, who is in jail for manslaughter because he got into an argument with a man at a bar and killed him.

[10:23] And he's also suspected of killing five women, but they couldn't prove that.

[10:29] We're not laughing at the idea of killing five women, by the way.

[10:32] It's just thrown in as kind of an afterthought in the movie.

[10:35] He's also kind of a modern-day Jack the Ripper, but mostly it's this manslaughter bar brawl.

[10:39] He is being taken to his parole hearing. He's in Tennessee.

[10:43] He is denied a parole hearing because one of the men on the council diagnoses him as an aggravated narcissist or something.

[10:50] Yeah, he's got his number. He diagnoses him as a crazy maniac.

[10:57] Accurately. He's the real hero of this movie.

[11:00] Much like the Powell and Pressburger film, he is a black narcissist, and they do not let him out of jail.

[11:05] He is mad about it.

[11:07] Yeah, he's mad about you.

[11:08] And so on the ride back to the jail, on the –

[11:17] Evil genius Paul Reiser is in jail.

[11:22] Is Hanna-Barbera a dog that just wheezes when it laughs?

[11:25] Because you're doing that impression really well.

[11:26] Yeah, what's his name? Wesley? Dog-zo?

[11:29] Yeah.

[11:30] What was it?

[11:31] Dog-zo.

[11:32] Dog-zo von Lafsing? What was his name? Mutley?

[11:35] Mutley.

[11:36] Mutley.

[11:37] It was part of Wacky Races, right?

[11:38] Wacky Racers.

[11:39] Okay.

[11:40] There are only a few Wacky Races.

[11:41] Wacky Races.

[11:42] Eskimo.

[11:43] That's one of them.

[11:45] Hanna-Barbera.

[11:46] Elliot is not in Wacky Races.

[11:49] During the war, they did some spec work for Hitler with Wacky Races, which was kind of an ethnic –

[11:54] anti-ethnic diversity cartoon.

[11:56] Yeah, terrible.

[11:57] Hanna-Barbera.

[11:58] And the state of Hanna-Barbera can send its lawsuits to Elliot Kaelin, Kerov, Dan McCoy.

[12:03] Shameful chapter in their history.

[12:07] So we've made it five minutes into the movie.

[12:09] Slightly better than Charlie Chan and the Amazing Chan Clan.

[12:12] Or Hong Kong Phooey.

[12:14] There were a lot of racist cartoons coming out of that studio.

[12:18] Yeah, man.

[12:19] Jabberjaw?

[12:20] It's not like all sharks are drummers.

[12:21] No.

[12:22] Come on.

[12:23] But they do all sound like Curly.

[12:24] So Idris Elba is in a van back to jail.

[12:28] Captain Caveman.

[12:29] Really?

[12:30] I don't know.

[12:31] Captain Caveperson.

[12:32] Exactly.

[12:33] And he's got those two babes with him.

[12:35] Those three babes.

[12:36] Okay.

[12:37] There's a lot of babes.

[12:38] There are a lot of babes.

[12:39] Especially since he is basically a hairy thumb with arms and legs in some sort of magic high-tech club.

[12:46] Yeah, there's like a little bird living inside his club.

[12:48] How did he get that?

[12:49] I don't know.

[12:50] It was given to him by like Gwauud or something.

[12:55] Idris Elba knows he's going back to jail.

[12:58] He's been denied parole.

[12:59] And so he manages to escape killing both of the elderly or out-of-shape guards that are guarding this hulk of a man.

[13:07] Idris Elba may be in the best shape any person can hope to be in without being Thor.

[13:11] Yeah, certainly probably any man in his 40s as Idris Elba is.

[13:16] Like he is a well-preserved specimen of a man.

[13:20] Well, he drinks formaldehyde.

[13:21] Oh, okay.

[13:22] I guess that's the secret.

[13:24] What are you looking at?

[13:25] Do you need like a Jurassic Park joke or something?

[13:27] Sure, I guess.

[13:29] Yeah, Idris Elba is kept inside the frozen bottom of a fake shaving cream can that Wayne Knight smuggled off an island.

[13:36] So that's why he's in such good shape for a 40-year-old.

[13:39] I get it.

[13:40] Meanwhile, in Atlanta, Georgia, Hotlanta as it's called, one of the fastest-growing cities in the United States, home of CNN and Coca-Cola.

[13:47] It's a delta.

[13:48] I feel like you've been paid to buzz.

[13:51] Burned to the ground during the Civil War, Atlanta has regrown and more so.

[13:54] Okay.

[13:55] And now 150 years later, it's ready to shine.

[13:58] Elliot, what's this?

[13:59] Atlanta, won't you?

[14:00] What's this check from the Atlantic Chamber of Commerce that I see poking out of your pocket?

[14:04] That's a coincidence.

[14:05] That's a different Atlanta.

[14:06] That's Atlantis.

[14:07] Atlantis paid me to promote them.

[14:09] Speaking of which, have you ever wanted to go under the sea, under the sea, to a place where mermaids can watch you pee?

[14:17] They don't believe in private bathrooms in Atlantis because it's just water everywhere.

[14:22] No.

[14:23] At this point, the podcast listener is thinking they've wasted too much time.

[14:27] They're not going to be able to get through the plot of this movie.

[14:29] Oh, no, my friends.

[14:30] Au contraire.

[14:31] There's barely any plot to this movie.

[14:33] So in Atlanta, Terri Granger, played by Taraji P. Hanson, she is with her young baby and her daughter Ryan, and she's mad because –

[14:41] She looks haggard.

[14:43] She looks hairy.

[14:44] I don't know if I'd say haggard.

[14:45] I'd say she's –

[14:46] She looks like Hagrid.

[14:47] She looks like Hagrid.

[14:49] Yeah, she's a bearded, Robbie Coltrane giant.

[14:51] But instead of monsters, she's caring for two children, which are kind of like monsters.

[14:55] Oh, I know.

[14:56] Elliot knows about that.

[14:57] Yeah, very much so.

[14:58] I've got a gremlin living in my house, the cutest little gremlin.

[15:00] Here, let me show you some pictures, guys.

[15:01] Anyway, here he is in the bathtub.

[15:04] Dan, stop looking at it like that.

[15:06] I wasn't.

[15:07] That's not –

[15:08] Anyway, so she tells her best friend, Leslie Bibb, jogs by, and she basically expresses what a tired, exhausted mom she is.

[15:15] And Leslie Bibb is like, well, you should go out with your husband.

[15:18] But her husband, Jeffrey, doesn't want anything to do with the kids.

[15:22] He is always at work, and this weekend he's going with his dad on a golfing trip for his dad's birthday.

[15:28] He only shows up to pack and does not help with the children.

[15:30] He is a bad dad, even more so than Gerard Butler in the movie Bad Dad, Sucker Dad.

[15:36] However, he's got this really cool deep voice and a creepy devil beard.

[15:40] Yeah, if this was another movie, she would be married to the devil, basically.

[15:44] Everything about him screams bad dude.

[15:47] Exactly, including his polo shirt.

[15:49] His orange polo shirt.

[15:51] Which does little to hide his totally ripped physique.

[15:55] There's something about a guy who's really ripped wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants that looks like when a porn actor is supposed to be like a businessman or an accountant.

[16:04] And you're like, there's no way that this guy who looks like he was in jail because of all the tattoos and the ripped abs he has is like an accountant who's being seduced by this MILF.

[16:13] Come on.

[16:14] It's not happening.

[16:15] But it's also kind of interesting casting.

[16:17] I'm not saying that he in any way comes off as a criminal.

[16:19] It's just like it's hard for me to buy a really ripped guy wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants.

[16:23] I also find it kind of interesting casting that they made Taraji P. Hanson's husband such a handsome ripped dude, considering that later on we're supposed to be like, oh, you know, she's lusting after Idris Elba.

[16:36] It's handsome ripped dudes.

[16:38] I think all women have that type.

[16:40] In my limited experience talking to ladies, it's more like the handsome and the muscular.

[16:46] She should have been married to more of an Urkel type, I guess.

[16:49] Gilbert Gottfried type.

[16:51] Gilbert Gottfried type.

[16:53] But you really, really sell her desperate need to have – I don't know.

[17:00] I mean he could have been a nice looking man who wasn't like a fucking Adonis.

[17:05] He didn't have to look like a calendar pinup.

[17:06] Yeah.

[17:07] He didn't have to – the fact that she's married to apparently an underwear – a busy underwear model.

[17:10] Yeah.

[17:11] Well, I think the producers were probably like, we need a guy whose clothes are going to fit Idris later on in the movie.

[17:17] That's a good point.

[17:18] Although I think it would have made the movie more charming if the clothes didn't quite fit him.

[17:21] He's wearing this tiny shirt.

[17:23] Yeah.

[17:24] He burst through it.

[17:25] Yeah, like Hulk Hogan.

[17:27] Sorry, my rippling muscles.

[17:28] They can't be contained.

[17:30] He reaches to close a window and the sleeve just rips right off.

[17:33] Happens to me a lot.

[17:35] Because I'm constantly going into other people's homes and putting on their shirts.

[17:40] It's my fetish.

[17:42] So Colin is stalking a woman, Alexis, who it turns out was his fiancee before he was thrown in jail.

[17:49] He stalks her to her house and confronts her with evidence that she's been seeing another man and that she never answered any of his letters.

[17:58] But she kept them all.

[18:00] Yeah, but she kept them all in a big pile.

[18:02] He confronts her with these unopened letters that I guess she kept in a pile, like in a drawer, like do not read from crazy guy.

[18:08] Here's my guess.

[18:09] She treats her letters from her ex-fiancee in jail the same way I treat New Yorker magazine.

[18:13] I leave it in a pile in the bathroom.

[18:15] It takes me a while to get through them, so I might be two years behind on it.

[18:19] Yeah.

[18:20] And what's his face who did Prince of Bel-Air wrote any of them?

[18:24] What's his face?

[18:25] You don't read it.

[18:26] Will Smith?

[18:27] No.

[18:28] The bad political guy.

[18:32] Andy Borowitz.

[18:33] Yeah.

[18:34] Take that, Andy Borowitz.

[18:35] You're burning a lot of comedy bridges, Dan.

[18:37] Andy Borowitz.

[18:38] He seems like a nice enough man.

[18:39] Scott Aukerman.

[18:40] You don't care whose toes you step on.

[18:41] No, I like Scott Aukerman.

[18:42] He was just a little weird when I talked to him.

[18:44] Stop plugging Scott Aukerman.

[18:45] Dude, we don't even know him.

[18:46] Why are you doing so much work for him?

[18:48] Anyway, he confronts her at home and in the process gets mad and snaps her neck and then hits her dead body with a lamp a bunch of times.

[18:57] Yeah, he choke slams her.

[18:58] Well, because she starts bragging about how much sex she's having with this guy.

[19:02] Yeah, he gets her mad and she starts taunting him and she's like, is that what you want to hear?

[19:06] It is not.

[19:07] He snaps her neck.

[19:08] Yep.

[19:09] She's like, maybe this guy who's been known to have violent outbursts in regards to jealousy.

[19:14] Wants to hear about the awesome sex.

[19:16] Yeah, wants to hear about this other guy's sweet, amazing penis.

[19:19] So sweet it shoots out, I don't know, delicious serum.

[19:25] Next time you get a penis, try a sweet, amazing.

[19:29] The homemade penis.

[19:31] Brought to you by Bakersfield Fudge.

[19:33] Amish made penis and Bakersfield Fudge.

[19:36] Two great tastes that taste great together.

[19:40] Double penetrate your mouth with these.

[19:42] And now back to Radio Zork.

[19:44] Well, looking through the responses, it seems that 79% of you wrote to put the lock, the key to the lock.

[19:52] So let's try it.

[19:53] You try the key on the lock.

[19:55] The key does not work.

[19:57] Do you?

[19:58] Turn around.

[20:00] Try the next key, or hit the lock with a hammer.

[20:04] Wait to be announced by a servant.

[20:06] Next week, we'll hear the answer on Radio Zork.

[20:10] Zork, Zork, Zork.

[20:11] Brought to you by Bakersfield Fudge and Sweet Amazing Venus.

[20:17] So anyway.

[20:19] On WOR, old time radio, the way it used to be now.

[20:23] Oh boy, I kind of want to make this podcast now, which is just Radio Zork, the slowest

[20:34] moving podcast in the world.

[20:37] I've been listening, okay, I'm 45 episodes in, they're almost through the door.

[20:41] No, just wait for another person to arrive so you can use their key.

[20:47] There's going to be something awesome on the other side of this door.

[20:50] You unlocked it and turned the knob.

[20:53] If you push the door open slightly, say A. If you push the door open very forcefully,

[20:59] say B. If you push the door open somewhere in the middle, say C. Then it's like weeks

[21:04] of, if you'd like to push the door further, the door is not open far enough for you to

[21:07] squeeze through.

[21:08] If you'd like to push the door open further, right in.

[21:12] All the writers in the back room are like, oh, we haven't figured out what's behind the

[21:15] door yet.

[21:16] Stretch, stretch.

[21:17] It's going to be something amazing.

[21:18] Your hands feel...

[21:19] The guy just making the stretch sign for...

[21:23] In the writer's room, please.

[21:25] They just put pasta in his hands, if he's going to be doing it, might as well make advantage

[21:30] of it.

[21:31] Anyway, that's when Colin, after killing those people, Terry is alone at home with the kids.

[21:38] Those people is one person.

[21:40] And her best friend, Leslie Bibb, and her are going to hang out and have a girl's night

[21:43] drinking wine and talking about penises.

[21:45] Congratulations, penises.

[21:46] Colin, in a rainstorm, crashes his car and goes to the first house he sees, Terry's house.

[21:54] There he knocks on the door and presents himself as a man who's been in an accident.

[21:58] And here's the moment where...

[21:59] I wasn't in the room when he crashed his car.

[22:01] Was it like a Ken Marino in Wet Hot American Summer situation?

[22:04] All of a sudden, he just totally smashes it.

[22:07] No, no.

[22:08] It's very hard to see in the rain, and he's trying to control it in the wet weather.

[22:10] It's not a bad car crash.

[22:12] It's actually like a branch goes to the windshield.

[22:13] It's like singing a song and not paying attention.

[22:15] He's like, I'm walking on sunshine, oh, but I'm driving in a rainstorm.

[22:22] Idris Elba likes to make up lyrics about what's going on.

[22:25] Makes sense.

[22:26] Yeah.

[22:27] I don't know anybody like that.

[22:28] I totally know somebody.

[22:29] His name's Elliot.

[22:30] Thank you.

[22:31] I appreciate it.

[22:32] We've known each other for a long time.

[22:34] He gets there, and this is the first of many moments where people react as if Idris Elba

[22:38] has a horrific cut on his forehead.

[22:40] But I could not see it.

[22:41] It was barely visible.

[22:42] It's like they were going to put it in in post and then just forgot about it.

[22:46] And somewhere, on a computer, there's animation of an Idris Elba head bleeding cut that was

[22:51] never applied to the film.

[22:53] Spilling blood.

[22:54] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[22:55] Where you can see skull underneath, totally Terminator 2 level Terminator makeup.

[23:00] But it's like a Zadowichy type CGI blood where it moves around when the person's moving around,

[23:06] so it's not on the same part of his head.

[23:08] So anyway, he goes, he asks to use Terry's phone.

[23:13] He says, I'll wait outside.

[23:15] You can close the door.

[23:16] Totally reasonable request.

[23:17] He uses the phone.

[23:18] He calls a tow truck, he says.

[23:19] Then she leaves the door open.

[23:22] Uh-oh.

[23:23] She comes back.

[23:24] He's not on the doorstep.

[23:25] Where is he?

[23:26] Camera moves over slightly.

[23:27] Oh, he's still on the doorstep.

[23:28] It's okay.

[23:29] And the musical cues, like all the musical cues in this movie, is like super crazy, like

[23:34] Wom.

[23:35] Or, ree, ree.

[23:38] Every moment is underlined with their Mickey Mousing the hell out of this suspense.

[23:44] There's a one scene where it's just turkey in the straw.

[23:46] Yeah, and they're all dancing in a barn with a bunch of farm animals, and they pull on

[23:53] a cat's tail to make the final note.

[23:59] He's just milking in time with the music, with their barnyard jamboree.

[24:04] Somebody's playing a xylophone on a skeleton's ribcage.

[24:09] Yep, yep.

[24:10] And the skeleton snatches the xylophone, sticks away, and goes, huh, Rome.

[24:14] Anyway.

[24:15] Then he zips up the dirt around him.

[24:20] And a rose comes up.

[24:24] But the rose starts bopping along to the song.

[24:27] Sure.

[24:28] We sure know our silly symphonies.

[24:30] Anyway, he's going to have to wait outside in the rain for the tow truck, so she invites

[24:34] him in.

[24:35] And this is a long sequence where nothing threatening happens at all.

[24:40] But the movie acts like lots of threatening things are happening.

[24:43] I don't think that's a bad thing in a thriller.

[24:45] They could easily spend this time setting up the geography of the house to make that

[24:51] more scary.

[24:52] But here's the thing.

[24:53] When we talked about House of the Devil, a movie where barely anything happens, but it's

[24:56] tense throughout the whole thing.

[24:58] I'll tell you what they do in House of the Devil.

[24:59] Yeah, I'm like shitting my pants the whole time in that movie.

[25:01] I'll tell you what they do.

[25:02] Well, that's a medical problem.

[25:04] It's only an hour and a half long, dude.

[25:07] I can shit my pants for an hour and a half.

[25:10] You shouldn't really be able to do that.

[25:11] It was a long time.

[25:12] Give me 20 minutes.

[25:13] I can figure this out.

[25:14] So dehydrated.

[25:15] I was sitting next to you, and it felt like a really long time.

[25:18] You were like, shouldn't you get up?

[25:20] And he was like, no way, this movie's just too scary.

[25:22] Why you got your hands on your knees like that, Dan?

[25:24] You had your arm around me before.

[25:26] What's going on?

[25:27] Arm around me.

[25:29] It's scary.

[25:30] I mean, comforting.

[25:31] As we always watch our movies together.

[25:33] Cuddled up like that Fritz the Cat cover, your hands just going into the top of Stuart's

[25:38] shirt.

[25:39] Anyway, here's what House of the Devil does that no good deed does not do.

[25:44] House of the Devil plays with the quiet of the house and lets you read into it kind of

[25:50] how weird it is and the suspense of it.

[25:52] There's not a lot of music.

[25:53] And Tom Noonan's in it.

[25:55] Tom Noonan, who's instantly much scarier than Idris Elba.

[25:58] Just as sexy, but scarier.

[26:00] I don't know if I would want Tom Noonan's arms around me the same way I'd want Idris

[26:04] Elba's arms around me.

[26:05] It would be like having a pumpkin head's arms around you.

[26:07] It's just these long, spiny things.

[26:09] Yeah, I haven't changed my stance on pumpkin head arms around me.

[26:14] But with this movie, the music and the way it's shot is constantly trying to get you

[26:20] to think it's suspenseful.

[26:21] And they keep flashing back to Idris Elba killing the woman we just saw him kill ten

[26:25] minutes ago.

[26:26] Remember this?

[26:27] He's a killer.

[26:28] Hey, I know Idris Elba's handsome, but don't forget he's a killer.

[26:31] Don't forget he's a murderer.

[26:32] He's a bad dude.

[26:33] He's a murderer.

[26:34] But even a movie like The Guest plays with a character that you know is dangerous, but

[26:40] instead of showing you what they've done, they include vocal cues or facial expressions

[26:45] to make it scary.

[26:47] This is relying so heavily on the music to provide scares, and it's not the best way

[26:53] to do something.

[26:54] And also, something like The Guest plays with the fact that you can have a dangerous

[27:00] character who's also charming.

[27:02] And I think they try and do a little bit of that here, in that Idris Elba is clearly

[27:08] handsome to Taraji P. Henson, and she's attracted to him.

[27:11] Handsome to everybody.

[27:12] Yeah, but he's not like, I don't know, there's nothing interesting about him.

[27:16] He's not charming so much as he appears vulnerable at first.

[27:19] Yeah.

[27:20] And one thing I did like about that, at least, is that he is a scary guy who gets into a

[27:24] house by being somewhat realistically vulnerable.

[27:28] Like, not just like, oh, I was in a car crash.

[27:31] Can I use your phone?

[27:32] Like, he keeps stepping back and making her kind of like, invite him in, or make moves.

[27:38] But like, that's a thing I wish they had done better, like drawn out more, that he is letting

[27:44] her draw him into this dangerous situation.

[27:47] Yeah, it's not like...

[27:48] This most dangerous game.

[27:50] P-knuckle?

[27:51] Man, it's hard to bounce those peas on your knuckles.

[27:54] It's very dangerous for the peas.

[27:56] Well, it's not like funny games where you have the invaders basically making more and

[28:04] more effort to push themselves in and taking more and more liberties with his family.

[28:09] He doesn't do that.

[28:10] No, he does none of that, and then it suddenly goes from zero to 60.

[28:13] Yeah, which ruins the movie at that point.

[28:16] Because Leslie Bebb shows up...

[28:18] Before that, it was 100% movie.

[28:20] It was impeccable.

[28:21] Yeah.

[28:22] Oh, yeah.

[28:23] This was...

[28:24] Cinematic perfection.

[28:25] This was the godfather we were watching.

[28:28] Yeah, this is...

[28:29] So, Leslie Bebb shows up, or we can say.

[28:31] No, never.

[28:32] Leslie Bebb shows up to have their girls' night in.

[28:34] They're drinking wine with Idris Elba.

[28:36] Drinking red wine with white pants.

[28:39] That is dangerous.

[28:40] Now, that was the real threat.

[28:43] That's how you know Leslie Bebb likes to live on the edge.

[28:45] Yep, no farts allowed in those white pants.

[28:47] Hold on.

[28:48] No farts allowed?

[28:49] I don't know that that's typically an issue.

[28:53] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[28:54] This is Stuart Wellington's No Farts Allowed.

[28:56] The only show with no farting.

[28:58] Leave them outside.

[28:59] For a man who...

[29:00] You stick your butt in the window and propel it outside the window.

[29:04] No, no, no.

[29:05] There are no windows in my party.

[29:06] For a man who shat his pants for 90 minutes.

[29:08] He has a strong stance against farts.

[29:10] Draw the line at farts.

[29:11] If you're going to do it, go all the way.

[29:13] Yeah.

[29:14] No halfsies.

[29:15] No half measures here.

[29:16] Hey, fence sitter.

[29:17] Poop better be coming out of your butt, or else shut it up.

[29:21] Anyway, this is gross.

[29:23] I feel the same.

[29:25] So Leslie Bibb goes on and on about how she doesn't want to get married.

[29:29] She just wants to have sex with all the penises she can find.

[29:32] Sweet, delicious penises.

[29:34] Sweet amazing.

[29:36] Sweet amazing.

[29:37] The baby starts crying and Taraji goes up to take care of the baby.

[29:41] Leslie and Idris go out to the garage to have a smoke.

[29:44] And Idris Elba toys with trying to make Leslie Bibb think that he's having an affair with Taraji P. Henson.

[29:52] And then Leslie Bibb sees through it so fast and says, like, I'm going to find out who you are.

[29:57] This is kind of the moment that I think we.

[30:00] the viewer realizes that intercellular

[30:02] he's not actually very good at this is no

[30:04] isn't like he isn't some kind of like machiavellian bad guy he's not playing

[30:08] mind games with her very well she sees through almost instantly

[30:12] when she says i'm gonna find out who you are

[30:14] his response is to hit her in the face with a shovel

[30:17] and uh... he goes hey and hits her with a shovel in the face

[30:21] killing her

[30:22] uh... things get pretty bad from there

[30:25] uh... he tells

[30:26] uh... meg no meg is the other woman

[30:28] he tells terry

[30:30] that meg left but terry sees meg's umbrella right there

[30:33] and so she never leaves without that umbrella she loves that umbrella it's attached to her arm

[30:37] it's her lucky umbrella

[30:39] it saved her life

[30:40] uh...

[30:41] and she tries to use the phone the line has been cut

[30:45] the lights go out for some reason even though later they're fine

[30:49] uh... and

[30:50] she goes upstairs to find intercellular playing with the daughter

[30:54] as if there's nothing wrong with him but she can see he's got a gun tucked in the

[30:57] back of his pants

[30:58] this is a thinly veiled threat to her family

[31:01] and a reference to a large penis i think

[31:03] i don't know about that i think the gun is tucked into the back of his pants to threaten any farts

[31:07] that think they want to stick their heads out

[31:10] hey you stay inside or else you're going to get blasted with lead

[31:14] uh... she wastes no time in getting him away from her daughter and then

[31:18] hitting him in the face with a fire extinguisher well she sprays him first

[31:21] sprays him in the face hits him in the head and he falls down a flight of stairs and it's at this point

[31:26] she is way better at this than he is she's home alone-ing him she's home alone-ing him hard

[31:31] because throughout the movie now

[31:32] she hits him in the head with that

[31:34] with some kind of lamp vase

[31:36] she stabs him in the side with a knife

[31:38] she stabs him again with a letter opener

[31:42] she is

[31:43] doing so much damage she's doing so many hit points of damage to intercellular

[31:46] but

[31:47] he gets the upper hand because of the gun

[31:48] and so after making her stand in the shower with him

[31:51] and then they have a

[31:53] which is actually kind of a good scene which is a pretty icky like tense scene

[31:57] and he starts

[31:58] rubbing his towel against her face in a way that in a better movie

[32:02] would have been

[32:03] really

[32:04] like upsetting

[32:05] you know like that was a genuinely tense and disturbing scene

[32:09] like in towel games

[32:11] the towel based funny game sequel

[32:13] like that that's one of those moments where you see like

[32:15] oh this could have been a really like unsettling movie

[32:18] and then they he changes his shirt in front of her

[32:21] and he makes her change her shirt in front of him

[32:24] and it's very creepy

[32:25] and then we're back to him hitting

[32:27] her hitting him in the head with a vase and like running around

[32:30] yeah I mean like yeah he gets beat up in a way that

[32:33] reminded me of nothing so much as like

[32:35] Howl and Scream like the murderer gets spends most of his time being like hit

[32:40] like a Three Stooges character

[32:41] which works in a movie that's both a horror movie and a comedy yeah

[32:46] those don't exist American Horror Story is inventing them right now

[32:50] but when you're supposed to believe that this is like an actual threat

[32:54] that you're supposed to take seriously

[32:56] it's very hard to believe in a threat where the woman

[32:59] who's supposedly in danger

[33:01] can

[33:02] can beat up Idris Elba

[33:05] on the one hand it's nice to see a movie where the woman is very capable

[33:10] she doesn't do that much stupid stuff she's a little clumsy in the beginning

[33:12] which is how they explain why her cell phone's broken

[33:15] she doesn't make dumb mistakes or choices

[33:18] but like

[33:19] it means that Idris Elba just kind of wanders into these traps

[33:23] well it's a lot of it is I think it's just the screenwriter is like

[33:26] I don't know how to end this scene I'm just gonna have him bonk him on the head

[33:30] and then she'll run to another room and then we'll have a new scene

[33:33] yeah

[33:34] well it was written by Bonk of the Turbo 64

[33:36] the movie was originally titled Head Bonker

[33:39] it's like they're in a game of cat and mouse

[33:42] if the cat and mouse are Tom and Jerry

[33:45] what were you gonna say?

[33:46] I was just gonna say Head Bonker is also the set

[33:48] like that sounds like a porno movie

[33:50] it's some kind of I mean it's just a blowjob movie I guess

[33:53] I mean it's a caveman porno movie

[33:55] caveman porno?

[33:57] is there a big market for that?

[33:58] yeah there's another uh I think there's another uh like it's like a bang bus sort of thing

[34:03] but they don't have buses what are they riding on a dinosaur?

[34:05] they have like charred stone wheels

[34:06] called a bang wheel?

[34:09] come inside this wheel

[34:12] that doesn't make any sense

[34:13] it's called a cave

[34:14] you hang out in the middle of it where the smoke would go

[34:16] yeah like you're rolling a tire down

[34:18] you get real dizzy so you can't really have sex

[34:19] it's called cave bus

[34:22] anyway uh she so Colin eventually forces her to drive him around for a while

[34:29] with the kids in the car as a threat

[34:31] she manages to signal with her lights to a police car

[34:33] yeah they stretch the movie out by including a policeman character

[34:36] the police officer pulls them over in a scene where

[34:38] if we didn't know Idris Elba was a murderer

[34:41] would totally be racial profiling

[34:43] this police officer is instantly suspicious of anything these black people are going to say to him

[34:47] of course he gets shot to death by Idris Elba

[34:50] uh and after the policeman is like

[34:52] ma'am within within a year shot of Idris Elba

[34:54] ma'am were you trying to get my attention when you flashed your lights at me?

[34:57] you know when you flashed your headlights at me?

[34:59] is that man not not supposed to be in that car?

[35:01] that ma'am holding that man holding your that ma'am

[35:05] that ma'am

[35:06] that man holding your baby

[35:07] is he a bad guy or is he a good guy?

[35:09] is he James Bond because then he has a license to kill it's okay

[35:12] ma'am is that guy holding your baby with his hands around her tiny tiny neck?

[35:17] is he a bad guy?

[35:18] that man who's a current physical threat to your children

[35:21] the only thing that means more to you than life itself

[35:23] were you trying to signal to me that he's a face of trouble?

[35:25] that man with a super visible cut on his forehead that no one else can see

[35:30] that man that your other that your other daughter

[35:32] clearly said was not your your your father

[35:36] is that man a danger to you?

[35:37] I like to think oh and I haven't even mentioned the magic baby

[35:40] who never gets upset or cries except that one time

[35:43] even though he's being thrown around in closets

[35:45] are you a baby expert now?

[35:46] uh I have one

[35:48] so I'm extrapolating from that that all babies are screaming all the time

[35:51] Stewart and maybe you're doing it wrong

[35:53] a baby is like three dynamite explosives

[35:55] you just jar it slightly

[35:56] a baby is like the trucks in Wages of Fear

[36:00] you just one bad bump and they're just screaming all over the place

[36:03] it's like all the vehicles in Las Vegas in Con Air

[36:06] like you even blow on that armored car it's exploding

[36:09] it blows right up

[36:10] you asked if Elliot was a baby expert

[36:12] in my experience anybody who has one baby is a baby expert

[36:17] yeah Dana Carvey has a baby

[36:18] all his material is about babies from now on

[36:20] you're burnt parent

[36:21] take that for procreating

[36:23] I'm not quite sure I understood the burn

[36:24] thinking that you know everything about babies

[36:26] I mean I know everything about one baby

[36:29] his name's Sammy

[36:30] all about Sammy

[36:31] let me show you some pictures

[36:32] oh boy again

[36:34] and let me read you from my new book

[36:36] everything you always wanted to know Sammy

[36:37] but didn't want to ask

[36:39] question one

[36:40] I definitely didn't want to ask anything about it

[36:43] so Idris Elba shoots the policeman

[36:45] because we need another body

[36:47] and then he drives

[36:48] he forces Terry to drive him and the family to a house

[36:52] this house

[36:53] wait a minute

[36:54] when they get inside

[36:55] it's the house where he killed his ex-fiance

[36:57] bum bum bum

[36:58] and she's still there

[37:00] Terry's tied up or something

[37:01] he ties her up like a chunk in Goonies

[37:04] sort of situation

[37:05] it's a full chunk scenario

[37:06] like a chunk

[37:08] like a chunk in one of those Goonies

[37:10] one of those chunks

[37:11] one of those truffle shufflers

[37:12] one of those chunks that are always getting tied up

[37:14] around Goonie things

[37:17] Goonies never say die

[37:18] but they do get tied

[37:19] like chunk

[37:20] so and then he gets dragged away

[37:23] he gets dragged away from the situation

[37:25] because

[37:26] I don't remember why

[37:27] the car alarm goes off

[37:28] which was set up earlier in the movie

[37:29] because it's a great thriller

[37:31] oh that's right

[37:32] because she can't turn the car alarm off earlier

[37:34] yeah

[37:35] it has a hair trigger car alarm

[37:37] hair triggers it

[37:38] it has a car alarm that goes

[37:40] rabbit rabbit rabbit

[37:41] hilarious

[37:42] oh boy

[37:43] hair

[37:44] anyway it's late

[37:45] so then she gets

[37:47] there's a phone call in the house

[37:48] and she answers the phone

[37:49] I guess to say there's danger

[37:51] it's the dead girl's cell phone

[37:52] uh oh

[37:53] the dead girl's cell phone rang

[37:54] here's the shocking twist in the movie

[37:57] are you ready

[37:58] are you ready for the twist

[37:59] critics

[38:00] tear the headphones out of your ears

[38:01] critics were not supposed to know about it

[38:03] no please

[38:04] don't reveal the horrifying twist

[38:06] of No Good Deed

[38:07] but now

[38:08] are you ready for twist

[38:09] bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom

[38:13] because it turns out

[38:14] bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom

[38:17] bom bom bom

[38:18] because here's what it is

[38:19] yeah

[38:20] da da da da da da

[38:22] here's what the twist is

[38:23] the phone call

[38:24] is from Terry's husband

[38:26] he wasn't going

[38:27] Jeffrey?

[38:28] he wasn't going on

[38:29] but he was such a faithful husband

[38:30] so we thought

[38:31] avid golfer

[38:32] I'm guessing

[38:33] I'm guessing workout enthusiast

[38:34] yeah

[38:36] child disliker

[38:37] holo shirt wearer

[38:39] holo shirt wearer

[38:40] beard manicurist

[38:41] child not helping with devil bearded Jeffrey

[38:45] it turns out

[38:46] was having an affair

[38:48] with Idris Elba's ex-fiance

[38:50] it wasn't a random chance

[38:52] that brought Idris Elba into the life of Terry and her family

[38:54] it was revenge

[38:56] oh

[38:57] on ABC

[38:58] he was obsessed

[39:00] yes

[39:01] on prom night

[39:03] the wire

[39:05] and it's the Pacific Rim

[39:07] oh we missed the joke about him cutting the phone wire

[39:10] we'll just rewind it Dave

[39:12] yeah

[39:13] plug it in later

[39:14] we didn't say anything about

[39:15] stringer alarm bells either

[39:18] or how he's

[39:19] stringering her along

[39:21] with his tails

[39:23] of ruck

[39:24] okay

[39:25] no

[39:27] anyway

[39:28] so it turns out

[39:29] Idris Elba was doing this for revenge

[39:31] Jeffrey is not a good guy

[39:33] he's a bad man

[39:34] Terry needs to kick him to the curb

[39:36] but first

[39:37] Terry's got to kick Idris Elba

[39:38] out of her life

[39:39] how does she do it?

[39:40] surprisingly easily

[39:41] almost instantly

[39:42] by stabbing him

[39:43] in the side a bunch of times

[39:45] and then shooting him in the chest a bunch of times

[39:47] is this a sequence where she

[39:49] bars the door

[39:50] with a

[39:51] with a

[39:52] cabinet or whatever

[39:53] this is when she does

[39:54] she puts a balsa wood cabinet up

[39:56] she moves a dresser in front of the door to block it

[40:00] pocket, then ties a rope of sheets out the window. He pushes the door open as if that

[40:07] cabinet was made out of dreams and wishes. As if she had placed like a cardboard promotional

[40:13] stand up from a video store on the other side of the door. He has no trouble breaking through

[40:18] it. He sees the open window and the sheets, goes, oh they climbed out. He leaves the house.

[40:23] She walks out of the closet. Yep, she was playing mind games with him. Once again proving

[40:28] that she is way more formidable a foe than this multi-murderer. Yeah. He eventually gets

[40:33] the gun. He has a drop on her. Just in time, he's about to shoot her in the face, I guess.

[40:39] And then her daughter's like, mommy? That makes him turn. She kicks him in the balls.

[40:44] She beats the shit out of him. He gets a couple of punches in, but nothing doing real damage.

[40:48] No, not enough. She like blasts him with a fireplace thing. She shoots him out of the

[40:51] window. She did it so many times, he falls back out of the window. Yeah, she dropped

[40:55] some like equilibrium gun caught on him and blasts him out the window. Just in time for

[41:00] her fucking husband to show up. Well, the police show up. But if you're a cheating husband,

[41:05] you don't want to show up to see your wife just totally beat the shit out of this huge

[41:08] monster of a dude. A guy who's roughly the same size as you. Well, almost exactly the

[41:13] same size. She has a tight belly. That's true. And then in the end, she punches her husband

[41:17] like it's an 80s comedy. And what was missing, like I was saying, was a lady policewoman

[41:22] going, uh-huh. Yeah, the two, that and like, there weren't the like, flashing blue police

[41:28] lights. You didn't see, you know how like 80s movies, police movies had those like flashing

[41:32] lights that are like. They pan over from the flashing lights. Like everything else is dark

[41:36] with occasional flashes of blue light, basically. Yeah. Like they decide to cut their headlights

[41:41] and only have that light lighting the scene. It's more atmospheric. We then go to, I guess,

[41:47] the future, where she is moving. The future. She is moving into, but not like, no, not

[41:51] like a hundred years later. She flies her hover car into the future. She is a brain

[41:56] in a jar. And Idris Elba's brain is terrorizing her. She's a brain in a jar, piloting some

[42:02] sort of Shoggoth-designed rocket ship. In the Coca-Cola Atlanta Arcology. They find,

[42:09] yeah, the aliens sifting through the rubble of our civilization find her skeleton and

[42:14] reconstruct the story. Idris Elba's character is referred to as a shadow runner because

[42:19] he has no social identity number. What? Yeah, and they're all clones. But she has moved

[42:29] into a new house with her kids. She's got a new blonde best friend. She's dressing more

[42:34] like a professional woman and she has a new thin blonde friend. I think she's more of

[42:37] a babysitter. Yeah, she's an employee at this point. She returns the unused portion of her

[42:42] Leslie bib to the manufacturer and received a discount on the new one. I'd like the half

[42:48] bib model, please. A little less sass on the edges. We have a Leslie bib for tuna.

[42:54] It's a new thing. Oh, gross. But she has two big Twi'lek worms coming out of her head.

[42:59] She used those Twi'lek worms to communicate. And Terry goes, uh, no Jabba Wonga. And they

[43:06] both laugh. Freeze frame. And then freeze frame plays. Cut to a shot of Salacious Crumb eyeballing

[43:16] Jabba's tail. And then sit, sit. Good dog. And we're done. That's tonight's episode of

[43:24] No Good Deed. No Good Deed was taped in front of a dead studio audience. Brought to you

[43:29] by that fudge place. I can't remember. It's called Bakersfield Fudge. That fudge place

[43:36] is their competitor. That fudge place was the off-brand. Was the sponsor for a totally

[43:43] different text-based radio adventure. Hitchhikers. Hitchhikers, which was a radio show. Mixing

[43:52] things up. But that fudge place hasn't been here for 40 years. How did Tales from the

[43:57] Crypt not announce at the end of its episodes Tales from the Crypt was filmed in front of

[44:01] a dead studio audience? I don't know. If we ever do a new Tales from the Crypt, let's

[44:05] call it Tales from the Flop Crypt. XXX a parody. We are on the market to do a new Tales from

[44:12] the Crypt. Let's make that clear to any producers out there. If you have the rights to Tales

[44:16] from the Crypt, the TV show, come to us. We will drop everything. I'm guessing William

[44:19] Sadler, probably. Maybe, I guess. I don't care how many demon knights we got to fight

[44:25] or bordellos of blood we have to sleep our way through. I don't care how many Wayne knights

[44:29] we have to stop. You think you can take Wayne knight? I mean, the three of us can take Wayne

[44:33] knight. Man, this beard is making you crazy. I've got beard madness. You saw how sweaty

[44:39] he was in that scene in Basic Instinct. He'd slip right through our fingers. He's got so

[44:42] much body, dude. He's like King Hippo. Keep plugging that shit. He's got a lot of body.

[44:51] The naughty with the body. This Wayne knight has a lot of full body. I'm detecting hints

[44:58] of Newman. Hints of Seinfeld. So, we got to move on. Slightly nutty or nighty flavor.

[45:06] We got to do our... Now I want to see a Looney Tunes called Nighty Night Bugs, but it's Bugs

[45:11] Money bewildering Wayne Knight. We got to do our final judgments. Whether this was a

[45:17] good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like. Stu, where you got to go

[45:21] with this? Oh man, I didn't really think about it. I'd probably say a bad bad movie. It's

[45:28] not goofy enough to be a good bad movie. It's certainly not a movie I kind of liked. Yeah,

[45:33] I'm going to go bad bad too. I wanted it to be a good bad because there is a lot of

[45:37] silliness in it and it's short, but I don't know. Not a lot of laughs there. We had a

[45:43] lot of laughs tonight, guys, but not watching the movie. Not from the movie. No. They're

[45:47] mostly made up nonsense. If people are going to watch it and say, I can't wait to see that

[45:51] No Good Deed. It has all that Radio Zork stuff in it. Nope. So, I'm going to say bad bad

[45:56] also. It was not quite crazy enough to be a good bad. So, before we move on, we do have

[46:02] a few sponsors tonight. Or two, to be exact. Stuart, I believe you have something to say.

[46:07] So guys, watching No Good Deed tonight, I learned that guys like Jeffrey, the husband

[46:13] of Taraji P. Henson, and Colin, Idris Elba's characters, you know, they're not really good

[46:18] at handling their relationships or their women. They're poor role models. So, you don't want

[46:23] to be that type of guy. You don't want to fall out of touch with that special someone

[46:28] in your life. Or in the case of Idris Elba, touch them too much by snapping their neck.

[46:35] In some kind of chokeslam situation. Guys, Valentine's Day is right around the corner.

[46:39] It is? Oh no. It is. Uh oh. So, look around that corner and see that our friends at Pro

[46:45] Flowers have a deal for you. What is this deal, Stuart? Okay, 100 Blooms of Love is

[46:51] the name of the deal, and it's available with a free glass vase for only $19.99. That's

[46:58] amazing. 100 Harold Blooms for only $19.99. And you know what, Ellie? You can impress

[47:03] that special lady in your life even more. My wife. Or whoever. I'm not going to require

[47:08] anything. No judgment. No, it's my wife. You can impress her even more by upgrading. You

[47:12] can add gourmet chocolates and a stuffed bear. Think Ewok. By just adding $9.99 more to your

[47:21] order, okay? That's gourmet chocolates and an Ewok. I'm not going to do that math. So

[47:28] you just need to go to proflowers.com and use the code FLOPHOUSE. That's proflowers.com

[47:35] code FLOPHOUSE. Guys, one of the things I love about Pro Flowers is that they're a big

[47:38] supporter of podcasts. All kinds of podcasts. And right now, they even have a microphone

[47:44] button on their order page. It's built in. So you can talk to the flowers. Yeah. So this

[47:50] is also, you guys at home, this is your chance to show Pro Flowers and show your love of

[47:55] the FLOPHOUSE. This Valentine's Day, your real true love. The FLOPHOUSE podcast. I don't

[48:01] know. Or your mom. Who knows? Whoever needs flowers in your life, okay? So you just need

[48:05] to go to proflowers.com. You need to click on the blue microphone button in the top right

[48:09] corner. Just look over there and click on it. Do it right now. And then type in the

[48:14] code FLOPHOUSE. F-L-O-P-H-O-U-S-E. One word? One word. One beautiful word. I'll tell you

[48:22] something. Guys like flowers too. I'll tell you that. We got some flowers from Pro Flowers.

[48:28] It's nice. Yeah, it's very nice. It spruces up the place. Everyone knows guys like flowers.

[48:33] Guys like the famous painter George O'Keefe. Yeah. Oh, George and his beautiful paintings

[48:40] of desert flowers and kettle skulls. I'll tell you this. I think I've said this before

[48:45] last time we had a Pro Flowers spot. I had a very positive experience with Pro Flowers.

[48:50] There was a problem with my delivery. Pro Flowers handled everything perfectly. They

[48:53] were great. Progressionally. 1-800-FLOWERS, which I also tried, was terrible. So Pro Flowers,

[48:59] you have earned my undying loyalty. Stuart, was there more for it to say? Nope. Just go

[49:05] to proflowers.com. Click on the blue microphone. Use code FLOPHOUSE. All one word. I also wanted

[49:10] to say that this week, FLOPHOUSE is brought to you in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one

[49:16] website platform that makes building your own website simple and easy. Not SquareSplice.

[49:21] No. Not SquareSplice. No. Not SquireSpuds. No. That's when Spuds McKenzie was a squire

[49:28] to a knight. These are all made-up websites and some of them are made-up words. No. What

[49:34] about ScareSpace, the spookiest web designer? Again, if you have the rights to Tales from

[49:40] the Crypt, that's the Crypt Keeper's startup concern. But no, we're talking about Squarespace

[49:48] that makes it easy for you to have a website. Everyone should have a website these days,

[49:52] even you. Squarespace has beautiful templates, integration with Google Apps and Getty Images,

[49:59] and respect.

[50:00] Boss of Design.

[50:01] So for a free trial and 10% off your first order,

[50:05] go to squarespace.com and enter the code flop.

[50:10] Squarespace.

[50:12] So just flop.

[50:13] Yeah, just flop.

[50:14] So it's Flophouse for pro flowers, flop for Squarespace.

[50:17] Yeah.

[50:19] Thanks for that reminder.

[50:21] Two great companies.

[50:22] For those at home keeping score,

[50:24] it's Elliot Five, Dan Seven.

[50:27] What?

[50:29] But it's like golf, right?

[50:30] And the lower score wins?

[50:31] Don't worry, Dan keeps choosing A on the Radio Zork options

[50:34] and that's getting him farther in the game.

[50:35] Oh, man.

[50:42] Do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food?

[50:47] Do you have a fight with your friend

[50:48] over whether or not he should wear his Philly's garb

[50:50] to a Colorado Rockies game?

[50:53] Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot

[50:56] in her art studio?

[50:57] If so, please do not write in to Judge John Hodgman.

[51:00] I heard all those cases already.

[51:03] Judge John Hodgman is the show where I, John Hodgman,

[51:06] adjudicate disputes between real people

[51:08] calling in over the internet

[51:10] and I tell them who is right and who is wrong

[51:13] over such important issues as is a machine gun a robot

[51:16] and is it okay to go through the garbage

[51:19] at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage?

[51:21] Bailiff Jesse Thorne rounds out the cast

[51:24] for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice.

[51:28] Kind of two of the same thing, actually.

[51:30] Judge John Hodgman, take a listen if you do not mind.

[51:34] I order it.

[51:35] Come visit the courtroom.

[51:36] It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org.

[51:42] Next up on the docket is letters from listeners.

[51:46] Letters, bada, let's go.

[51:48] Okay.

[51:51] Elliot certainly does.

[51:52] That is the usurper of letter songs.

[51:56] I got up at 5.30 today.

[51:58] So let's do this.

[51:59] Kids, am I right?

[52:01] Speaking of kids, picks up microphone,

[52:03] walks in front of brick wall.

[52:04] Hey, any parents in the audience tonight?

[52:06] What's the deal with kids and candy?

[52:09] They love it.

[52:10] John Candy, I mean, star of Uncle Buck.

[52:13] And who's Harry Crumb?

[52:14] And of course, delirious.

[52:16] Wait a minute, who is Harry Crumb?

[52:18] Robert Crumb's brother.

[52:20] And Salacious Crumb's nephew.

[52:22] He committed suicide, it's very tragic.

[52:23] He's an uncle?

[52:25] I wish there was a market for a parody group

[52:27] called Who is Salacious Crumb?

[52:30] Alas, there is not.

[52:32] All right, well, anyway.

[52:33] Much in the way that my Lester Del Rey,

[52:35] Atlanta Del Rey joke has no audience.

[52:37] It's really obvious that we did some guest spots

[52:39] on Star Wars Bootleg Suite.

[52:43] So I actually forwarded this email

[52:44] to you guys a little while back,

[52:46] but I wanted to read it on the air.

[52:48] I'm gonna tore it up for,

[52:50] I wanted to read it on the air for reasons that are obvious.

[52:52] It's from Lou Lastname.

[52:54] Dear Flophouse, Dan's the best, I love Dan.

[52:56] He's so handsome, he's like White Idris Elba.

[52:59] Or Idris Welba.

[53:02] I am a very big-

[53:03] Marcus Welba.

[53:04] It's Marcus Welby and Idris Elba put together.

[53:07] I am a very big fan from Denmark,

[53:09] and I would also like to thank you-

[53:10] You're 25 feet tall.

[53:13] I'm what you'd call a BFG, a big Flophouse giant.

[53:18] I would like to thank you for an amazing podcast.

[53:20] I'm not just a big fan, I'm also a good fan.

[53:23] I'm sorry.

[53:24] I'm also a good-

[53:25] I'm also a man.

[53:27] I'm also a good fan.

[53:28] So if you need to be cooled off,

[53:30] just ask me to come on by.

[53:31] I'm electric.

[53:32] Shut up.

[53:33] Boogie woogie woogie.

[53:33] I described myself as a fan first and a man second.

[53:37] Both of them big.

[53:38] I call it a fan.

[53:39] It's a portmanteau of fan and man.

[53:41] I'm not-

[53:44] Or a fanon, Franz Fanon, that is.

[53:47] The colonialist theorist.

[53:49] I'm not just a big fan, starring Patton Oswalt.

[53:52] I'm also a good friend of Mads Mikkelsen's daughter.

[53:57] I told Mads some time ago that you were mad about Mads,

[54:00] and he got really surprised and happy and proud.

[54:03] Last time I saw him, he told me he'd listened

[54:05] to your podcast and thought it was really fun.

[54:07] He told me he's mad about you guys now, too.

[54:10] So congratulations, you got a new fan in Mads Mikkelsen.

[54:12] Lou, last name with L.

[54:13] Now, Lou-

[54:14] Lou.

[54:15] If you were lying to us-

[54:16] If you are, fuck with us.

[54:17] If you are fucking catfishing us-

[54:17] Do not toy with our emotions, you piece of shit.

[54:21] If you were lying to us, I will never forgive you.

[54:24] But if you're not lying, you are an angel.

[54:25] You are my favorite person ever.

[54:27] That's amazing.

[54:28] But if you were lying, fuck you, Lou.

[54:30] It would make me so happy, it would give me so much pleasure

[54:33] to know that somewhere, Mads Mikkelsen approves of us.

[54:37] If you were telling the truth,

[54:38] I need to know when your birthday is.

[54:39] No, we need-

[54:40] Because I need to celebrate your birthday.

[54:41] What we need is a holiday.

[54:43] What we need is a photo of Mads Mikkelsen

[54:45] holding up today's newspaper

[54:48] and a picture of the Flophouse.

[54:49] Wait, like the day we recorded this?

[54:51] What, any day.

[54:52] A picture of the Flophouse.

[54:54] We know it's not a picture,

[54:55] it's not an image of Mads Mikkelsen

[54:57] with the Flophouse from a hundred years ago.

[55:01] I don't know, like a picture of his phone.

[55:03] It feels like, it seems like the today's newspaper.

[55:07] Yeah, he's holding up a newspaper

[55:08] that says Germany invades Poland or something.

[55:11] Like, is this in the future?

[55:12] What happens?

[55:13] What?

[55:14] Okay, that would be the most amazing.

[55:17] I would be so excited if this is true.

[55:18] If it's not true, again, you're dead to me, Luke.

[55:21] But if it is true, that's amazing.

[55:23] I feel like I want proof.

[55:25] I want some sort of proof.

[55:26] But I feel weird asking for proof

[55:28] when he's already done so much for us.

[55:29] Yeah, like hairs, maybe underpants, who cares?

[55:31] No, too much.

[55:32] You know, normal stuff.

[55:34] Some sort of a souvenir from the set of Hannibal.

[55:37] He sent us a vial of blood.

[55:39] They got plenty of that around there.

[55:40] He sent us some long pig or something,

[55:42] I don't know, whatever.

[55:43] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[55:43] Wait, what's that?

[55:44] Is that like a, wait, what?

[55:46] It's like a stretch limo for pigs.

[55:49] It's like a pig stretch limo.

[55:50] So that would be, I cannot overstate

[55:53] how exciting and awesome that would be if it's true.

[55:55] But if it's not true, don't make me cry on air, okay?

[55:58] Don't patronize us with this mad about mads bullshit.

[56:00] Because we are so mad about mads,

[56:02] and we'll be mad at you,

[56:04] but not in the mad about mads way.

[56:07] I feel like that letter took me

[56:08] on a real emotional rollercoaster.

[56:09] So many ups and downs.

[56:11] It's like thinking he was not a murderer,

[56:13] and then finding out he's totally a murderer.

[56:16] Like in No Good Deed, the movie.

[56:18] Oh, right.

[56:20] This one goes like this.

[56:22] Can we start hanging out with Mads Mikkelsen?

[56:24] Like, that's the thing.

[56:25] I don't know, man.

[56:26] He's got a busy schedule, I'm sure.

[56:28] I mean, we didn't even talk about Hannibal.

[56:29] We could talk about Valhalla Rising or something.

[56:31] Yeah, we're just talking about hanging out.

[56:33] I'm not talking about like-

[56:34] We're not married.

[56:35] Working out with him every day or something.

[56:37] Doesn't have to be a regular thing,

[56:38] just like a one-time thing.

[56:40] Nobody has to know about it.

[56:41] Just like when he's in town.

[56:41] We could not keep up working out with Mads.

[56:43] He was a gymnast, man.

[56:44] He's in way better shape than we'll ever be.

[56:46] Yeah, maybe I could pick up a few moves off of him,

[56:48] though, like the splits.

[56:50] Yeah, for your Gymkata competition.

[56:52] Wait, there's competitions in Gymkata?

[56:55] Yeah.

[56:56] I thought that was just the combination

[56:58] of the art of gymnastics-

[56:58] The thrill of gymnastics and the kill of karate.

[57:01] Yeah, what Dan said.

[57:02] Yeah, they have competitions in it.

[57:03] Really?

[57:04] You kill people in the competitions?

[57:07] I didn't even know that you kill people in karate.

[57:09] I mean, you do if you do it poorly.

[57:10] If you're doing it right.

[57:11] If you're doing it, if you use a gun, then yeah.

[57:15] Haven't you seen the Karate Kid?

[57:17] At the end when he shoots that Cobra Kai kid.

[57:20] So, Mads, please write in.

[57:24] Or if you're in town, come by the Daily Show.

[57:26] Yeah, just come by.

[57:27] Yeah, if you, or wherever I'm at.

[57:29] Just come by my house.

[57:31] Just use the Where's Stuart app.

[57:32] Stuart can probably get you free beers.

[57:34] We can get you free tickets.

[57:35] I can certainly give you free beers.

[57:37] Like Mads Mikkelsen can't talk himself

[57:38] into a bar for free beers.

[57:40] Come on.

[57:40] All right.

[57:41] Sure.

[57:42] Coolest man in Denmark.

[57:43] So, this next one, this next letter,

[57:47] is on a topic that we've.

[57:49] Yeah, because it could have been literally

[57:52] anything that there was one of.

[57:54] It's on the topic.

[57:54] The only thing we knew is it was not

[57:56] Siamese twins you were talking about.

[57:57] Sorry, you can join twins.

[57:59] A topic we've already addressed tangentially

[58:02] in this episode.

[58:03] Zork.

[58:04] I've always felt great affection for the Crypt Keeper,

[58:07] but it feels like we never got to know him

[58:09] beyond what we could extrapolate

[58:10] from his brief introductory messages.

[58:12] What's he doing in his time off?

[58:14] How do you get the job of presenting these stories?

[58:17] Looking forward to your insights.

[58:18] Sincerely, Anton, last name withheld.

[58:20] LeVay.

[58:22] I think he knows, Anton LeVay knows what's going on, Eli.

[58:25] Oh yeah, he's hanging out with the Crypt Keeper

[58:27] all the time.

[58:28] I mean, I assume that he spends most of his time off

[58:30] in the Crypt, just like being dead.

[58:33] Being dead, yeah.

[58:34] And then he's woken by passersby

[58:36] who want to hear spooky stories.

[58:38] I would imagine he got his job, I don't know,

[58:40] doing, like working the stand-up circuit.

[58:43] Oh yeah, yeah.

[58:43] I mean, he's obviously been in the biz a long time.

[58:46] Yeah, because he's like a desiccated corpse.

[58:50] I was gonna say, because he's good at puns.

[58:51] Yeah, well, that was the thing, like,

[58:53] it took a while for like pun-based humor

[58:55] to come back around.

[58:56] Still hasn't.

[58:58] If the angry looks like it at work are any indication.

[59:03] I like the idea that someone heard the Crypt Keeper

[59:05] doing his like entirely like pun-based stand-up routine

[59:09] and they're like, I have a job for you.

[59:11] Introducing terrifying tales.

[59:13] Well, they tried to build an

[59:15] everybody loves Raymond type show around him

[59:18] and it didn't quite work.

[59:20] Everyone loves Crypty.

[59:22] Everybody loves screaming.

[59:26] Is that like screaming?

[59:27] Is that like screaming?

[59:30] That's not even a pun, it's just sound alike.

[59:32] My new show, Mad About Boo.

[59:34] It's not even trying that hard.

[59:36] It's not even like A-list material.

[59:39] Just the Dead of Us.

[59:41] Okay, that works.

[59:42] What is it, a parody of Just the Ten of Us?

[59:45] So it's like super religious?

[59:46] It's my new show, The New Ghoul.

[59:49] But you're not a ghoul, Crypty.

[59:52] It's The New Dead Ventures of Old Christ Ghost.

[59:58] Crypty, you know.

[1:00:00] You've got to go back on the circuit and workshop this stuff.

[1:00:04] But, you know, as a horror host...

[1:00:07] Oh, he's great. Now I want to see a new Crypt Keeper thing where he's like

[1:00:10] fat and out of shape and he's not doing well

[1:00:13] and he has to be coached back into doing fine as well.

[1:00:16] I mean, he's fat mostly because there's gas floating.

[1:00:19] Because he's going through the process of decomposition, yeah.

[1:00:22] I would love to see a Univision Spanish-language variety show

[1:00:25] but hosted by the Crypt Keeper in Elvira.

[1:00:28] Wouldn't that be amazing though, right?

[1:00:31] Yeah, sure, that would be great. So Elvira and Crypt Keeper must hang out all the time.

[1:00:34] You would think, right?

[1:00:37] And talk about what a bitch Vampyra was.

[1:00:40] Oh my God.

[1:00:43] It's like the poker scene in...

[1:00:46] Once again, if you have the rights to this thing, we would love to be involved.

[1:00:49] It's like in Sunset Boulevard when Norma Desmond has her old Hollywood friends come over

[1:00:52] and it's like Buster Keaton and HQ Warner and Anna Nilsson,

[1:00:56] Crypt Keeper and Elvira have a regular poker game

[1:00:59] and it's like them and Rod Serling's ghost.

[1:01:02] And somebody else.

[1:01:05] Because that's scarier than normal Rod Serling.

[1:01:08] Because he's dead.

[1:01:11] Wait, he's dead?

[1:01:14] He died like 20-some odd years ago.

[1:01:17] But all the letters he's been sending back to me.

[1:01:20] Does it have to be a horror host?

[1:01:23] Ron Desheer and Elvira are pretty close.

[1:01:26] And Gilbert Godfrey is probably pretty free.

[1:01:29] I mean, he's got a podcast.

[1:01:32] He's got a very popular podcast.

[1:01:35] Just because he's not voicing any insurance ducks right now.

[1:01:38] Yeah, I'm just saying he's probably got some free time to be on a show.

[1:01:41] Now, Dan, that raises a good question. Who would you take? Elvira or Ron Desheer? Be honest.

[1:01:44] I would take Elvira.

[1:01:47] I mean, it's mostly a brunette thing.

[1:01:51] But Ron Desheer, you know.

[1:01:54] No, none of us are disparaging Ron Desheer.

[1:01:59] I just want to make sure this wasn't one of Stuart's hamburger steak situations.

[1:02:04] The hamburger steak, I could go for one of those.

[1:02:07] The steak on a bun.

[1:02:10] Okay, well the last letter of the night.

[1:02:13] I've saved the best for last.

[1:02:16] Although it's hard to top Mads Mikkelsen being a fan.

[1:02:19] Or at least approving.

[1:02:22] So this letter goes a little something like this.

[1:02:25] It actually goes exactly like this because I'm reading it verbatim.

[1:02:28] Jonathan Fuller, Giorgio of Castlefreak here.

[1:02:31] Greatly looking forward to meeting Stuart

[1:02:34] and Dan and Elliot, I hope,

[1:02:37] at the Alamo Drafthouse screening.

[1:02:40] I'll be there.

[1:02:43] Especially seeing it on a big screen.

[1:02:47] I only wish I got residuals off this film.

[1:02:50] Especially with the number of people you must have turned on to it.

[1:02:53] How does he not?

[1:02:56] That's shady contracting full moon productions.

[1:02:59] Charles Vand, pay it forward.

[1:03:02] Pay it backward.

[1:03:05] And for the record, no.

[1:03:08] Giorgio does not rip off his own ding dong.

[1:03:11] Turn it off, I don't want people to hear this.

[1:03:14] I like this idea that Giorgio's mother has cut it off

[1:03:17] when he started showing signs of puberty while chained to the wall of his cell

[1:03:20] years before the action of the film begins.

[1:03:23] So you heard it here first.

[1:03:26] I'll be happy to share that or keep it a secret.

[1:03:29] So as not to ruin a good joke.

[1:03:32] Spoiled.

[1:03:35] I think this is going to be a lot of fun.

[1:03:38] I can't wait to meet you.

[1:03:41] I got in touch with you and not with Stuart.

[1:03:44] You got in touch through the website.

[1:03:47] And I withheld it a little bit.

[1:03:50] So Stuart, would you like to plug a certain event screening?

[1:03:53] Yeah, I was about to mention that.

[1:03:56] So on February 21st at the Alamo Drafthouse in Yonkers, New York.

[1:03:59] Lovely Yonkers, New York who have been very supportive of the Flophouse.

[1:04:02] Easy to get lost there.

[1:04:05] I'm going to be involved in hosting a screening with Jonathan Fuller

[1:04:08] for the movie Castle Freak.

[1:04:11] It's a rare 35mm print.

[1:04:14] This is going to be a rare opportunity for you to get to see Castle Freak in the theater.

[1:04:17] I've never seen it.

[1:04:20] It was not released in theaters.

[1:04:23] It could possibly be the only 35mm print there is.

[1:04:26] Yeah, that's what I think.

[1:04:29] They screened it down in Texas back in October.

[1:04:32] And that's when Christina, the organizer from the Yonkers theater,

[1:04:35] figured it out and set up this screening.

[1:04:38] So much love to Christina.

[1:04:41] So you're not even seeing this movie as it was meant to be seen by the director.

[1:04:44] You're seeing it better than it was ever meant to be seen.

[1:04:47] Stuart's already seen it as it was meant to be seen by the director in the basement somewhere.

[1:04:50] With himself inventing scenes.

[1:04:53] I think I've seen it on VHS, DVD and Blu-ray.

[1:04:56] So I'm very excited about it.

[1:04:59] And you acted it out with that action figure that you got.

[1:05:03] So if you are in the New York area or even not and feel like making a trip,

[1:05:08] please come down.

[1:05:11] You'll get a chance to BS with the Flophouse and some other folks.

[1:05:14] Including Jonathan Fuller.

[1:05:17] Giorgio himself.

[1:05:20] So you can ask him why he crushed all of my dreams.

[1:05:23] Ding dong dreams.

[1:05:26] And champagne wishes.

[1:05:30] As long as we're doing plugs,

[1:05:33] I just quickly want to say on February 19th,

[1:05:36] I'm doing two things.

[1:05:39] At 6 o'clock.

[1:05:42] Two public things.

[1:05:45] I'm kidding.

[1:05:48] At 6 o'clock at the New York performing arts library.

[1:05:51] I'll be part of a panel talking about 10 years of channel 101 New York.

[1:05:54] And that's free to the public.

[1:05:57] But you have to reserve seats.

[1:06:00] And then at 930 I'll be doing improv as part of the daily show.

[1:06:03] Writers and staffers improv show at the UCB theater.

[1:06:06] I'll just toss up some links to that on our website.

[1:06:09] So February 19th, two ways to see me.

[1:06:12] If you so choose.

[1:06:15] A duo of Dan.

[1:06:18] Dan two ways.

[1:06:21] This is a deconstructed Dan.

[1:06:24] A picture of a sweater and a tumbler of scotch on a plate.

[1:06:27] A picture of some wife's butt.

[1:06:30] I don't have any personal appearances to plug.

[1:06:33] But as long as we're plugging things.

[1:06:36] I'll plug my.

[1:06:39] No.

[1:06:42] Stop.

[1:06:45] Come on.

[1:06:48] I'll continue.

[1:06:51] It was great.

[1:06:54] Thank you very much.

[1:06:57] And the next issue will come out in February.

[1:07:00] Are there going to be any panels as viral as the panel from your last episode?

[1:07:03] If anyone has seen the panel of Soran telling Spider-Man.

[1:07:06] I don't want to cure cancer.

[1:07:09] I want to turn people into dinosaurs.

[1:07:12] It's from my book Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[1:07:15] So buy that thing.

[1:07:18] I get nothing.

[1:07:21] But if you like that tweet that you saw on everybody's Twitter feed.

[1:07:24] Pick up the next issue.

[1:07:27] Issue three or go back and pick up the last two issues.

[1:07:30] Issues one and two.

[1:07:33] And I want to say as long as we're plugging things.

[1:07:36] Let's plug our network.

[1:07:39] Remember there was a time when I didn't have things to plug guys.

[1:07:42] I'm plugging.

[1:07:46] Maximumfund.org where there are a lot of great podcasts.

[1:07:49] Two of my personal favorites.

[1:07:52] Jordan and Jesse Go.

[1:07:55] Which was kind enough to have me on a couple times.

[1:07:58] And my brother and my brother and me.

[1:08:01] Who were kind enough to say some very nice things about us in the last podcast.

[1:08:04] And I feel like if you like our show.

[1:08:07] You'll like theirs.

[1:08:10] It's a very similar show.

[1:08:14] Our show is about bad movies but not really.

[1:08:17] Just about bullshit.

[1:08:20] Their show is about advice but not really.

[1:08:23] It's mostly about bullshit.

[1:08:26] I'm a huge fan of their sister show that's also on our network.

[1:08:29] The Adventure Zone.

[1:08:32] Which is the three of those guys and their dad playing D&D.

[1:08:35] As a huge D&D fan and a big gamer myself.

[1:08:38] It's just super awesome to hear those guys goof around.

[1:08:42] Magnus Burnside and Taco the Elf.

[1:08:45] And what about Judge John Hodgman?

[1:08:48] That's a great podcast too.

[1:08:51] Our buddy John Hodgman of the mustache and the wisdom.

[1:08:54] I guess that's the name of his bar.

[1:08:57] The mustache and wisdom.

[1:09:00] That's his pub.

[1:09:03] There's a lot of great podcasts at Maximumfund.org.

[1:09:06] Bullseye, Lady to Lady, One Bad Mother, Risk, Song Exploder, Wham Bam Pow.

[1:09:10] We have recommended all these podcasts.

[1:09:13] We don't have to do it for a while, right?

[1:09:16] Wow.

[1:09:19] It's not a chore, Stuart.

[1:09:22] We do it because we like it and yes.

[1:09:25] Moving on to our final segment of the evening.

[1:09:28] Recommendations.

[1:09:31] Movies we saw that we actually liked.

[1:09:34] I don't even remember what the name of the movie was.

[1:09:38] It's the sequel to Mr. Deeds.

[1:09:43] It's an alternate reality where Mr. Deeds goes evil.

[1:09:46] So there's no good deeds in this universe.

[1:09:49] I get you. I get it.

[1:09:52] Do you want to recommend something?

[1:09:55] Yes, I do want to recommend something.

[1:09:58] Now there were times when we were watching No Good Deeds and we said,

[1:10:01] is this really a movie?

[1:10:00] I'd like to recommend a movie I enjoyed, but while watching, you might also ask,

[1:10:03] is this really a movie?

[1:10:05] And that movie is a movie, so it's a qualified recommendation, that movie is Roma,

[1:10:09] which is a later Federico Fellini movie.

[1:10:12] And a type of tomato.

[1:10:13] Yeah, I guess so.

[1:10:15] But Roma is kind of his portrait of the Rome he knows.

[1:10:19] So there isn't a plot so much as there's a series of vignettes

[1:10:24] that are kind of loosely connected around the idea of his experiences of Rome.

[1:10:28] And there are a few segments in it that I find, I think, are really fantastic.

[1:10:31] There's a beautiful one where they go to see,

[1:10:34] this film crew goes to see the subway that's being constructed under Rome,

[1:10:38] and they hear about how they have to keep changing the path of the trains

[1:10:42] because there's so much history buried under Rome's streets

[1:10:44] that they keep hitting archaeological sites.

[1:10:46] And they make their way into a,

[1:10:49] they discover this room full of these beautiful ancient Roman frescoes.

[1:10:52] You know, like national treasure.

[1:10:53] Yeah, exactly.

[1:10:56] And tragically, the frescoes are not long for this world.

[1:10:59] There are some other segments that are really interesting,

[1:11:01] even though they go on a little too long.

[1:11:03] There's one where it's supposed to give you the impression of what it's like

[1:11:05] to drive into Rome on the highway,

[1:11:07] and it's this kind of long nightmare of chaos and confusion.

[1:11:12] There are other segments that don't work quite as well.

[1:11:14] There's a clergy fashion show later in the film

[1:11:18] that I find too obvious and boring.

[1:11:21] So I would say, feel free when you're watching Roma to, like,

[1:11:24] use the fast-forward button if you want to at times.

[1:11:27] It's a movie that is best, I think, treated as a buffet to sample.

[1:11:31] But there's a lot of really great stuff in it.

[1:11:33] It feels a lot like flipping through Federico Fellini's sketchbook,

[1:11:37] looking at, like, kind of half-formed ideas or sequences

[1:11:40] that he didn't have another place for.

[1:11:41] But there's a lot of really good stuff in it,

[1:11:43] including perhaps the most frightening scene of men hiring prostitutes

[1:11:46] that I've ever seen,

[1:11:48] where the men are just in kind of this dank basement,

[1:11:50] and the prostitutes parade in front of them, yelling at them,

[1:11:53] why are you not hiring me?

[1:11:54] Are you men? Come on, pick me up, hire me.

[1:11:56] And it was, all I could think was,

[1:11:58] I'm so glad I'm not in that brothel.

[1:12:02] Not that I am a frequenter of brothels,

[1:12:03] but that's especially one I don't want to be in.

[1:12:06] Well, while we're recommending movies that are barely movies,

[1:12:09] I would like to recommend the movie Happy Christmas.

[1:12:13] It's a mumblecore movie by Joe Swanberg.

[1:12:16] And that movie is an experiment, almost, I feel like,

[1:12:19] in, can we make a movie with the minimum amount of conflict,

[1:12:24] and the basic...

[1:12:25] It's even looser than my previous recommendation,

[1:12:28] Drinking Buddies?

[1:12:29] Yeah, well, Drinking Buddies, I feel like that has a real conflict

[1:12:32] of, like, what do you do when...

[1:12:34] You run out of drinks.

[1:12:36] Well, what do you do when...

[1:12:37] You should buy more beer, dude.

[1:12:39] What do you do when you're involved with someone,

[1:12:41] but your best friend is also, like...

[1:12:44] Yeah, there's, like, built-in tension.

[1:12:45] There's, like, a romantic tension.

[1:12:48] Like, this movie, there's very little conflict.

[1:12:51] It's basically a, um...

[1:12:55] This, uh...

[1:12:55] What's her name from that singing movie?

[1:12:57] Well, this gentleman...

[1:13:00] Julie Andrews?

[1:13:01] There's a couple...

[1:13:02] She can be in the movie, if you put a picture of Julie Andrews on the TV.

[1:13:05] No, no, stop him.

[1:13:06] There's a couple...

[1:13:07] There's a little bag on his face.

[1:13:09] With a young baby and the father...

[1:13:12] Those are the old babies.

[1:13:14] And the father's...

[1:13:15] This elderly baby from Benjamin Button.

[1:13:18] And the father's...

[1:13:20] Doesn't get a lot of work.

[1:13:21] It's a gross baby.

[1:13:22] It's such a simple premise.

[1:13:23] I was talking about how simple it is.

[1:13:27] This guy's sister moves back in briefly with this couple,

[1:13:32] and the sister's a bit of a ne'er-do-well,

[1:13:36] a bit directionless following a breakup,

[1:13:39] kind of a screw-up,

[1:13:40] and there's just sort of minor conflict with her living with this family.

[1:13:45] Like Frances Ha?

[1:13:47] I thought there was a fairly major conflict in Frances Ha.

[1:13:49] I don't usually see Frances Ha.

[1:13:51] Frances Ha's a good movie.

[1:13:52] But it stars...

[1:13:56] What's her face?

[1:13:57] Anna Kendrick.

[1:13:58] Did you see this movie?

[1:14:00] Anna Kendrick is the woman who moves in with the couple and Melanie...

[1:14:05] She sings that song in that movie.

[1:14:06] Yeah.

[1:14:07] When I'm gone, when I'm gone...

[1:14:09] That one.

[1:14:10] Let it go, let it go.

[1:14:12] She did not.

[1:14:13] That's Indina Mendoza.

[1:14:14] Consider yourselves at home.

[1:14:17] No, that's Oliver from the movie Oliver.

[1:14:19] That's Arthur Dodger, actually.

[1:14:21] This is what it sounds like when doves cry.

[1:14:27] That's Prince.

[1:14:28] That's a Prince song.

[1:14:29] Wow, he sings his own guitar licks.

[1:14:31] I love it.

[1:14:32] That's why he sounds so good.

[1:14:33] But I like...

[1:14:33] Moving right along, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

[1:14:35] I like Anna Kendrick a lot,

[1:14:37] and I like Melanie Linsky a lot,

[1:14:39] who plays the young mother and the sister-in-law to Anna Kendrick.

[1:14:44] Okay.

[1:14:45] Both really strong actresses,

[1:14:48] and this is just a likable movie.

[1:14:51] A movie that's very pleasant to watch,

[1:14:53] and there's something to be said for that.

[1:14:57] There's something to be said for spending 90 minutes...

[1:14:59] Sure, enjoy yourself.

[1:15:00] ...in the company of likable people

[1:15:04] who don't necessarily have huge problems,

[1:15:06] but the problems that they do have are relatable ones.

[1:15:08] Yeah, treat yourself.

[1:15:09] Yeah, go ahead.

[1:15:11] Why has life always got to be a hassle, you know?

[1:15:12] You learned it.

[1:15:13] Thanks, guys.

[1:15:15] Thanks, guys, for only interrupting me every two seconds.

[1:15:20] That's what we do.

[1:15:21] We've had a couple of bass hits tonight, guys.

[1:15:23] I'm going to give you a home run.

[1:15:27] I'm going to recommend a movie from earlier this year.

[1:15:29] This is going to continue my trend of recommending movies

[1:15:32] that feature sci-fi movies that feature doubles of people.

[1:15:37] Spoiler alert.

[1:15:38] I'm going to recommend a movie called Coherence,

[1:15:41] which is a micro-budget movie that begins with a...

[1:15:46] The budget was a shoe.

[1:15:48] Yep, and they had to chop that shoe up and trade it up.

[1:15:52] I guess one inch of film.

[1:15:53] I'll take it.

[1:15:55] It begins with eight friends sitting around a house

[1:15:58] that is the primary setting of the movie

[1:16:02] that are having a dinner party

[1:16:04] while a celestial event is going on.

[1:16:06] There's a comet passing very close to Earth,

[1:16:09] and the power goes out,

[1:16:14] and then a number of other inexplicable things begin to happen,

[1:16:17] and it's a movie that deals with a small group of friends

[1:16:22] dealing with the seemingly impossible very well.

[1:16:27] There's some great performances,

[1:16:29] and it's a great little sci-fi movie done on a very small scale

[1:16:34] that manages to mix the strange and the impossible

[1:16:37] also with normal drama and passion

[1:16:41] that you could see in anybody's everyday life.

[1:16:45] And then it deals with some very interesting consequences

[1:16:49] of people's actions.

[1:16:52] Now, I am warning you, it does feature the guy

[1:16:55] who played Xander from Buffy.

[1:16:57] Why is that a warning rather than a feature?

[1:16:59] Well, you know, I mean, whatever.

[1:17:03] So, I mean, the movie's not...

[1:17:06] Is that a trigger warning?

[1:17:07] I will say, I think it's a great movie.

[1:17:09] It does feature a lot of improv acting,

[1:17:13] and it does feature a lot of, like, kind of shaky,

[1:17:16] out-of-focus camera work, which can be distracting.

[1:17:19] It's similar to some Mumblecore movies.

[1:17:22] And weirdly enough, I think the thing that was most distracting

[1:17:24] is the lead actress is very beautiful,

[1:17:29] and that made, it was kind of distracting for a movie

[1:17:32] that for every other purpose was like...

[1:17:33] A cast of masturbation while you're watching it?

[1:17:36] But, like, in a way, like...

[1:17:37] It was unreal, like, took you out of...

[1:17:39] In a way, it kind of does, right?

[1:17:40] And it also makes you feel less bad for her.

[1:17:45] It's a little harder to be sympathetic for beautiful people, yeah.

[1:17:48] But I thought it was great, and I think...

[1:17:50] Like Idris Elba?

[1:17:51] I think kind of.

[1:17:53] Because Idris Elba, no matter, even when he's getting shot,

[1:17:55] you're like, he'll be fine.

[1:17:57] He's going to work his way out of this one.

[1:17:59] Probably best off as obscene.

[1:18:01] He's just got to blink at a...

[1:18:03] Wink at a nurse and she's all over him.

[1:18:07] The movie's coherence came out earlier this year.

[1:18:09] I think the website Screen Crush featured

[1:18:13] in its top 25 sci-fi movies of the last 25 years.

[1:18:17] I think it's worth your time.

[1:18:21] Ellie's barely muffled yawn means...

[1:18:23] You guys both did kind of like micro-budget Mumblecore movies,

[1:18:27] and I went with the master of spectacle, Fellini.

[1:18:31] Interesting balance.

[1:18:35] It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

[1:18:38] Very easy to say goodbye.

[1:18:40] Yeah, you just say it, dude. Chill out.

[1:18:42] Just say it. Come on.

[1:18:44] Goodbye.

[1:18:45] You're being clingy.

[1:18:47] It's very unattractive.

[1:18:49] I was ready for a second date until this started up.

[1:18:52] Now I'm not so sure.

[1:18:53] You probably don't. I know it.

[1:18:55] For the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:18:58] You have been Dan McCoy.

[1:19:00] Think about that.

[1:19:02] And shudder.

[1:19:04] Should I stand in the corner and think about it?

[1:19:06] Yeah, why not?

[1:19:08] Stand in the corner, face the wall,

[1:19:10] wait for the Blair Witch to totally chop your head off.

[1:19:12] Or whatever the fuck she does.

[1:19:14] She chops it off with this crazy karate chop.

[1:19:19] If the movie had ended with just a hand going,

[1:19:23] Hi-ya!

[1:19:25] And then the camera goes black,

[1:19:27] I would have liked that movie.

[1:19:29] Like a Miss Piggy karate chop

[1:19:31] that acts like a flying guillotine.

[1:19:33] All right, we're signing off.

[1:19:35] Who have you been, Stuart?

[1:19:37] I am always, forever, Darwin.

[1:19:39] I'll be Stuart when I like to.

[1:19:41] And in the role of Elliot Kaelin,

[1:19:43] Donald Logue.

[1:19:45] Oh, wow. So slightly racist.

[1:19:47] Nope, just Elliot Kaelin this time.

[1:19:49] Just joking.

[1:19:51] Donald Logue plays a racist.

[1:19:53] And a patriot.

[1:19:55] That's the only movie I know him from.

[1:20:00] I can only assume. I am a human being that's only seen one movie.

[1:20:05] I think it's real life, I guess. You're a delightful actor, Don Logue. I love

[1:20:11] Terriers. We get it, dude. Stop plugging Terriers.

[1:20:16] It's over, Dan. Terriers is not happening.

[1:20:20] Terriers season two. Come on. There's an old saying, if you love something, let it go

[1:20:23] because it's Terriers and it's over. Six seasons in a movie. Good night,

[1:20:28] everyone. Terriers.

[1:20:35] Instead of talking about a movie, let's talk about Dan's personal stuff.

[1:20:38] That was understandable. Yeah, I was just grumpy like a cat.

[1:20:41] Did somebody mean to you on the subway? And Stuart was dark.

[1:20:46] What? That's cool. Did somebody mean to you on the subway, Dan? Is that what it was?

[1:20:49] Did somebody fuck up? Did some sandwich artist fuck up your sandwich?

[1:20:52] One of those kids who said it was showtime kicked me in the face.

[1:20:55] Oh, no. That's not a good show. I give that show

[1:20:58] three poor reviews.

[1:21:03] Welcome to the Lady to Lady Show. Behind door number one, we have

[1:21:07] fantastic weekly guests like Aisha Tyler, French Stewart,

[1:21:10] Greta, and more. Behind door number two, we have road trip and sleepover games

[1:21:15] like Would You Rather and Never Have I Ever,

[1:21:18] the kind of games that remind you of being a kid.

[1:21:20] Door number three brings you fresh hot episodes every Wednesday.

[1:21:24] You can find them on iTunes and MaximumFun.org.

[1:21:27] Now pick a door. Just kidding. They're not real because we're a podcast.

[1:21:30] You're all winners. And we didn't really think this through.

[1:21:34] Lady to Lady.

Episode #171 - No Good Deed

Chapters

Transcript

Description