Episode #172 - Dorothy's Return

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Legends of Oz, colon, Dorothy's Return, colon, The Quickening.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:36] Hey there, I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:39] Wait, start over.

[0:41] No, hi, I'm Ellie Kaelin.

[0:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] Stuart, were you coming on to the listener and then you thought better of it?

[0:47] You're like, no, I'm just kidding, unless you're into it, in which case I'm totally not kidding.

[0:52] It's like I got close and she turned around and she's a zombie.

[0:55] And I'm like, no thanks, ma'am.

[0:57] Not into it.

[0:58] But you're still going to introduce yourself.

[0:59] Yeah, and I'm still going to call her ma'am.

[1:01] You're polite.

[1:02] You're not rude, yeah.

[1:03] Yeah, exactly.

[1:03] You're just not interested in that.

[1:05] Why are you saying it like that's weird?

[1:08] I don't know.

[1:09] I mean, like, part of me is like, that's prejudiced.

[1:12] Part of me is like, yeah, you don't want to, like, ask a zombie out for a date.

[1:16] I mean, unless they're into it.

[1:17] Like, it's a joke, but unless they're into it.

[1:19] We should totally go out with those zombies.

[1:21] I think it's a joke.

[1:22] Yeah, I think it's time for a little bit of housekeeping up front, guys.

[1:25] Flop housekeeping.

[1:27] So if you send a letter in responding to Radio Zork, we haven't gotten to him yet.

[1:32] Maybe by the end of the hour.

[1:34] We'll figure it out.

[1:34] We do not know whether you want to open the door or you don't want to open the door.

[1:37] We're just at if you're using the key on the lock.

[1:40] That's true.

[1:40] We're not.

[1:41] Or do you choose to wait for another visitor to arrive?

[1:44] Or you might choose to just lick the lock.

[1:46] We don't know.

[1:47] Maybe you should try to rust it.

[1:49] Maybe you just want to stare at that door for a while.

[1:51] Maybe you just really like doors.

[1:52] Yeah, maybe you're into doors.

[1:53] Like doors goes fishing.

[1:55] Maybe this is like a Bridges of Madison County situation

[1:58] and you're just going around photographing scenic old doors.

[2:01] People do that.

[2:02] Yeah.

[2:02] People do that.

[2:04] What if you're a door mouse?

[2:05] A mouse who loves doors for sex.

[2:08] Wait, is that what they are?

[2:10] You've read Alice in Wonderland, right?

[2:12] Yes.

[2:13] So we watched the sequel to Alice in Wonderland tonight.

[2:17] We did not at all do that.

[2:19] First off.

[2:19] First off, false.

[2:21] This is a podcast.

[2:25] I know that you know this already.

[2:26] If you've downloaded it.

[2:28] Not if someone has tied you up and blindfolded you and you're just hearing this.

[2:31] You might think we're in the room with you, but we're not.

[2:34] It depends on how good their sound system is.

[2:36] Don't panic.

[2:36] There's only one person in the room with you.

[2:38] You're a kidnapper.

[2:39] If they're there.

[2:40] In which case, you should panic.

[2:41] They might have turned the podcast on to entertain you while they went to the store.

[2:45] To confuse you.

[2:47] To get more lotion to put in the basket.

[2:49] Now, pop your thumb out of its socket.

[2:53] Okay.

[2:53] Wiggling your hand out of your restraints.

[2:55] Yeah.

[2:55] Okay, now grab that box cutter you have jammed into your ankle.

[2:59] We'll continue with more tips on how to escape your kidnapper as the podcast goes on.

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:06] But for now, we just want to explain.

[3:08] This is a podcast where we watch bad movies.

[3:09] Are there any clearly marked exits?

[3:11] Because those are the doors you're going to want to take.

[3:13] This is not a bit.

[3:14] I know you're asking yourself that because you've heard this podcast before.

[3:18] but then they'd know it was a podcast.

[3:20] Yeah, it's awful.

[3:22] They thought the earlier episodes were podcasts

[3:23] and this might be a live taping that they're at.

[3:25] They arrived at somehow?

[3:27] Yeah.

[3:28] The point is...

[3:29] It's like something where you're kidnapped

[3:31] and they put you in front of a live audience

[3:32] because the kidnapper gets off on the thrill

[3:34] of having their kidnapee in front of a bunch of people

[3:37] who could possibly save them.

[3:38] I see.

[3:38] Like Dario Argento's opera.

[3:41] Oh, I thought you were talking about that Diane Lane movie

[3:43] that we watched, Uncatchable or whatever it was called.

[3:46] Uncatchable.

[3:49] That's a good name for a parody movie, Uncatchable.

[3:51] That's the villain of Catch That Kid.

[3:53] Those fears.coms, maybe?

[3:56] It was Untraceable, I think.

[3:57] Yeah, all right.

[3:57] Uncatchable.

[4:00] There's a bad guy.

[4:02] The baddest guy in all the world.

[4:04] And the bad news about him is he's uncatchable.

[4:06] He's been categorized as uncatchable.

[4:09] Interpol has called him uncatchable.

[4:11] My name's Mick Gorin.

[4:14] I'm the leader of the catchables.

[4:15] A secret international police squad tasked with catching the worst criminals of all.

[4:21] The codename, Uncatchables.

[4:23] Have we caught that kid?

[4:24] Yes, we have.

[4:25] Your mission, if you choose to catch it, the common cold.

[4:30] I mean, that's not that hard.

[4:32] No, it's pretty easy to catch.

[4:33] Starting out easy.

[4:35] That's like a training thing.

[4:37] Starting out easy.

[4:38] Boost your confidence in catching things.

[4:41] And then later on, you catch the Uncatchable.

[4:43] Yeah, you got to start with, it's like starter parkour.

[4:46] You start with small jumps, just little jumps.

[4:48] What, like just hopping?

[4:49] Yeah, you like hop onto a rock.

[4:51] You hop on one foot.

[4:52] Yeah, you don't want to do big jumps right away.

[4:53] Your legs will be ripped off or something.

[4:57] I think you're jumping into a shark's mouth.

[4:59] Starter parkour.

[5:01] It's classic parkour movies.

[5:02] I like starter parkour.

[5:03] I like that too.

[5:04] It's when the James Bond movies are really running out of names for characters.

[5:07] He is your partner, starter parkour.

[5:11] There's a YouTube series out there about like introducing people to parkour.

[5:15] And it's like the first couple steps are, you know, like little jumps.

[5:18] See, I thought that you were like, I was just imagining that there was like a starter parkour set.

[5:24] And you buy it from Amazon.

[5:25] And it's just like shoes?

[5:27] And it's just like a fire hydrant.

[5:28] It's just a step?

[5:29] Yeah.

[5:30] It's a Nerf fire hydrant.

[5:32] You're not going to get a lot of give on that fire hydrant.

[5:34] It's a map of, I don't know, like Paris or something?

[5:37] What it is, it's a collection of Family Circus comic strips where little Billy is running around town because he invented parkour.

[5:43] It was Jeffy who did that.

[5:45] I don't give a shit.

[5:46] God damn it, Elliot.

[5:47] All our credibility is out the window now.

[5:49] They're all the same kid.

[5:50] Oh, I know it was not me.

[5:51] They're all the same kid, and I'm not so sure it was Jeffy.

[5:54] It was Jeffy.

[5:55] I think both of them took a roundabout, circuitous roots.

[5:59] Billy's the oldest one.

[6:01] I know he takes over the comic strips sometimes.

[6:03] Jeffy's the one who runs around.

[6:05] PJ is the little kid

[6:07] who's the girl

[6:08] and the girl is

[6:09] girl circus

[6:12] together they're the catchables

[6:14] in order to catch this criminal

[6:19] we're going to need an uncatchable kid

[6:20] get us little Jeffy or Billy

[6:23] or whoever the shit it is

[6:24] anyway so that started

[6:26] I mean he's very catchable because you just follow that little dog

[6:28] lying around but he invented parkour

[6:30] he's jumping over branches he's underneath dog houses

[6:32] what to call Slylock Fox out of retirement

[6:34] but he thought and max mouse no he said he died yeah that's why he retired yeah because he couldn't

[6:41] solve the murder of max mouse when he found tormenting him ever since he found max mouse's

[6:46] empty skin hanging on a coat hook at his house untold stories of the comic book comics page

[6:52] oh slylock fox what oh wily weasel or whatever your fucking name is will you ever win yeah i

[7:02] I mean, Slylock Fox was at the height, too, because he had just solved the case of Mr. Lockhorn murdering Mrs. Lockhorn.

[7:07] Sure.

[7:08] What if Rose wasn't Rose?

[7:11] He solved the mystery of what makes Fred Bassett funny.

[7:17] Turns out it's nothing.

[7:19] And when he caught Marmaduke running that prostitute ring.

[7:23] Sure.

[7:24] So the point is, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[7:27] Why would you harm a duke?

[7:31] That's Marmaduke pleading for his life.

[7:33] Yeah, and Slaloc Fox just shoots him.

[7:35] He's like, you can talk?

[7:36] All this time, you could talk and you understood that we didn't want you on that chair?

[7:41] This is Howard Huge all over again.

[7:44] Howard Huge, famous recluse dog.

[7:49] Yeah, he has a dog with tissue boxes on his feet collecting his urine in jars.

[7:53] He would urinate on things to show his dominance over that area, but he would save the urine.

[7:59] Yeah, he'd save the carpet samples of the top floor penthouse of his Las Vegas hotel.

[8:04] Anyway.

[8:05] So we're a podcast that watches a bad movie and then we talk about it, right?

[8:09] And tonight we watched, what was it called?

[8:11] Legends of Oz, Dorothy's Return.

[8:13] The Revenge of Dorothy, Oz, It's a Legend?

[8:16] I think it was called.

[8:17] Dorothy 2, Two Shades of Blue.

[8:20] I think it was called Dorothy's Back, Watch Out, Suck As, Legends of Oz.

[8:25] It was called Legends of Oz, Colin, Dorothy's Return.

[8:28] Which sounds like Dorothy is like the villain.

[8:31] Yeah, Oz is, well, maybe Dorothy came back

[8:34] and wanted to build a bunch of condos in places

[8:37] and the Tin Man had to break dance or something.

[8:39] Tear down all the bikini car washes in Oz.

[8:41] Tear them down.

[8:43] All those mom and pop bikini car washes.

[8:48] I got to say, most of the time the bikinis get torn off pretty easily.

[8:52] It's not hard to tear down one of those car washes.

[8:54] Yeah.

[8:54] It has the same structural integrity as the bikini.

[8:58] Now, we had a big debate over whether we should watch this because I had trouble believing

[9:01] it was released in movie theaters, but apparently it was, and it's got a lot of big-name stars.

[9:06] To a whopping $3 million opening weekend, right?

[9:09] Total box office print on Wikipedia was $18 million.

[9:11] I just wanted to run this down for you guys.

[9:14] Now, imagine there was a movie that starred Lea Michele.

[9:18] Should we close our eyes?

[9:19] Now, who's Lea Michele?

[9:20] She's on Glee, but she also was a big star from Spring Awakening on Broadway.

[9:25] Oh, then I must have seen her in that because I saw that.

[9:27] Oh, so we once again have an actor in the film that I saw on the stage.

[9:30] Damn it.

[9:31] Now, Spring Awakening.

[9:31] Treading the boards.

[9:32] Tripping the light dramatic in a musical adaptation of a German drama.

[9:40] No, but imagine.

[9:41] Sprung awakening.

[9:42] Imagine there was a movie with her.

[9:45] It also has Dan Aykroyd, Kelsey Grammer.

[9:48] Oh, a huge star like Dan Aykroyd?

[9:50] No, Dan Aykroyd.

[9:51] Huge stars like Jim Belushi?

[9:53] Let's just let me run it down.

[9:56] You got Dan Aykroyd, you got Kelsey Grammer, Martin Short, Hugh Dancy, Oliver Platt, Patrick Stewart, Brian Blessed, Bernie Peters, Tom Kenny.

[10:08] You would think...

[10:08] Martin Short.

[10:09] Did you mention Martin Short?

[10:10] I did.

[10:10] Because he's in it, too.

[10:12] You'd think this was a wonderful, magical movie.

[10:14] No, you would think it was a movie that had a lot of money to spend, and you'd be right, apparently.

[10:18] But you'd say, okay...

[10:21] That's an impressive roster.

[10:21] It is an impressive cast.

[10:23] It's at food fight levels of impressiveness.

[10:25] No, it's beyond that.

[10:26] There are no stars in heaven, so they're all in Legends of Oz.

[10:30] This has Brian Blessed and Patrick Stewart in it.

[10:33] This has noted Shakespearean actors.

[10:35] Yeah, because if there's anything we know about British Shakespearean actors,

[10:38] it's they only make good movies.

[10:39] Never do they take a paycheck to do some crap.

[10:42] I will say this, though.

[10:43] The actors in this movie, for the most part, except for Bernie Peters,

[10:47] really do their-

[10:50] I don't know why you got to call her that.

[10:51] Okay, Daddy Pete's.

[10:53] Okay, sure.

[10:54] Bernadette Peters is the one person who is clearly not trying.

[10:57] Everybody else puts a surprising amount of effort into their role.

[11:00] Yeah, they are really selling this material.

[11:03] Martin Short has like three songs.

[11:04] Yeah.

[11:05] And he's belting it.

[11:06] Oliver Platt as Owlerver Fat.

[11:10] His name...

[11:11] He's a fat owl character.

[11:12] He plays a fat owl.

[11:12] But at one point he sings a song in like a weird Jamaican accent.

[11:15] Kind of.

[11:17] Like Brian Blessed is a jawbreaker headed judge.

[11:20] And he is easily the high point of this movie.

[11:22] He is selling the shit out of that.

[11:25] You're saying it's not Patrick Stewart as a talking tree has been turned into a boat telling a bird, sing a song for me.

[11:31] That is an amazing moment that I hope that we can come back to.

[11:35] So let's talk about what this movie is.

[11:37] Okay, so we all are familiar with the movie The Wizard of Oz.

[11:40] It is, in my opinion, about as perfect as a family movie can be.

[11:47] That's just my opinion.

[11:49] Let me go out on a limb here and say The Wizard of Oz is a national treasure.

[11:52] Let me go out on a limb here and say Citizen Kane is a pretty good movie.

[11:55] He said family movie.

[11:57] Would you say Citizen Kane's a family movie?

[11:58] I'm not arguing that.

[11:59] If it's my family, then yes.

[12:01] Sammy loved it.

[12:02] He loves that monologue about the girl with the white dress.

[12:06] Oh, he found it heartbreaking.

[12:07] He thought Joseph Cotton was not too hammy as the older version of Leland.

[12:12] Now, Wizard of Oz, let's just stay it outright.

[12:16] You guys, I'm sure, love it.

[12:18] I personally have a great deal of love for it.

[12:20] It's a beautiful movie.

[12:21] It's a gorgeous movie.

[12:22] It leaves me in tears every time.

[12:25] Not even like that it's sad or even because of the movie.

[12:28] Just how kind of like flawless to me that movie is for the most part.

[12:31] And you're saying this movie surpassed it in every way.

[12:34] I'm saying there's a new champion of us.

[12:37] Well, you're not left unmoved because you know deep down that it required a sequel.

[12:42] Yeah, well, that's the thing.

[12:43] You're like, what about the return?

[12:45] I'm like, the one flaw of this movie is it leaves the story too open-ended.

[12:50] Like, what's with all these movies and their trilogies?

[12:53] Am I right?

[12:53] Am I right, folks?

[12:54] Is this thing on?

[12:56] This guy knows what I'm talking about.

[12:57] Straighten, necktie.

[12:59] Yeah.

[12:59] But so anyway.

[13:00] Wipe down your hair part.

[13:01] I will say that I'm going to.

[13:03] Wipe down your hair part?

[13:04] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[13:05] My hair part's too greasy.

[13:07] I've got to wipe it down.

[13:08] So going into this movie.

[13:09] I've got to dab it with a fucking towelette.

[13:11] Going into this movie, which is an animated sequel to The Wizard of Oz based on a book written by the great grandson of the author of the original Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

[13:20] the uh i can only assume that he unearthed like a vault that had the like specs of this story

[13:27] and he turned him into a into a novel oh yeah yeah yeah it was all based on the original or

[13:32] like he summoned up the spirit of his dad using dread necromancy and then he had his dad's dad

[13:36] summoned as well so he had multiple ghosts summoning multiple generations of oz writing

[13:41] bounds like a russian doll of necromantic yeah regress ghost summoning but it's kind of like

[13:46] i have to assume the bound family is kind of like the herbert family and that it was like frank

[13:50] herbert wrote dune and then a bunch of dune books and then the family was like uh just because he

[13:55] died doesn't mean we got to jump off the dune money train the spice is life bro come on let's

[13:59] pump out some more dune books or like these still suits aren't gonna pay for themselves or like

[14:03] christopher tolkien where it's like i don't know what law it is that says if your dad or ancestor

[14:07] wrote fantasy or science fiction books you gotta keep going like it gives you license the way that

[14:12] Like, I have to assume that, like, Ernest Hemingway's kids were never like, hey, what if the sun also rose again?

[14:20] What if they said hello again to arms?

[14:23] What about two old men in the sea?

[14:25] There's a lot of fish in that sea.

[14:28] Something's got to be bigger.

[14:30] There's a lot of old men out there.

[14:32] Like, there's something about fantasy series that, or it's like how, and the idea that this continues in the bloodline, I guess, like midichlorians or something.

[14:42] The same way that the movie version of the time machine that Guy Pearce was in

[14:49] was directed by the grandson of H.G. Wells,

[14:52] as if he had, because he has Wells' blood in him,

[14:54] he knows the story better than anyone else.

[14:57] Anyway.

[14:57] He was going back to that Wells, guys.

[15:02] He went back to that Wells.

[15:05] Is it possible to fire you, Dan,

[15:07] and still have you run all the equipment and put the show up online?

[15:12] It's possible.

[15:12] Anything's possible in Oz.

[15:15] So speaking of Oz, so this is a, it's based on a book, which is true, but it's the sequel story.

[15:21] So in the land.

[15:22] So after 20 minutes of credits.

[15:26] There's a lot of opening credits because kids love opening credits.

[15:29] And didn't you say that each of the songs would have like an individual credit?

[15:32] Each song in the movie, and there are like five of them, gets an individual on-screen credit with the person who wrote that song.

[15:38] One of them is written by Brian Adams.

[15:39] The rest, I didn't recognize the names of the songwriters.

[15:42] but it's a long credit sequence there's two directors credited they each get their own title

[15:46] that it doesn't say directed by so and so and so and so i wonder directed by this guy that flies

[15:52] off screen directed by this guy i wonder whether like the two or three scenes that i really actually

[15:56] enjoyed a lot uh were directed by one guy and then they're like oh this guy's too good we got

[16:01] to fire him off this project that's probably what happened for the shitty stuff that's that's

[16:06] probably exactly let's bring in the shitty guy so it's a it's a sequel so you know the emerald city

[16:10] we left it last time with Scarecrow's

[16:12] run in the place, as he is in some of the later

[16:14] Oz books. The Tin Woodsman's

[16:16] there, the lion is there,

[16:18] you got Dan Aykroyd as the Scarecrow,

[16:20] you got Kelsey Grammer as the Tin Woodsman,

[16:22] you got Jim Belushi as the lion, and let me tell you...

[16:24] Channeling a great John Goodman.

[16:26] None of them do the voices

[16:28] of the characters in the movie, which is, the original

[16:30] was just fine, but they're still doing silly voices.

[16:32] Except for Kelsey Grammer, who just kind of sounds

[16:34] like himself. Yeah, exactly. He sounds like

[16:36] Frasier Crane. Yeah, or Sideshow Bob.

[16:38] Or Sideshow Bob, it's the same voice every time

[16:41] He sounds like his most famous role

[16:43] The captain in Down Periscope

[16:46] Not Up Periscope

[16:47] I got the direction wrong

[16:48] Something that Kelsey Grammer

[16:51] Notoriously never does

[16:52] He always knows which way a periscope goes

[16:56] The whole time I'm listening to this I'm like

[16:57] Why is Boss running around

[16:59] Talking about how he has a heart now

[17:01] You know from the hit show Boss

[17:03] Starting Kelsey Grammer

[17:04] Cause you watch it blindfolded

[17:06] you're like who's kidnapped me

[17:08] we kidnapped you to watch this shitty movie

[17:11] why is one half of that Kelsey Grammer

[17:13] Martin Lawrence project doing the voice

[17:15] for this

[17:16] I don't know

[17:17] are they like TV lawyers or

[17:21] I feel like it was one of those shows that

[17:23] was on that

[17:24] Tyler Perry's head of the family

[17:27] or whatever the fuck

[17:28] wait a minute

[17:28] Medea's head of the family reunion

[17:34] it was on that same

[17:34] like uh idea though like they were like gonna just do 100 episodes of it really fast so like

[17:41] anger management or something yeah because well kelsey grammar might have been the producer on

[17:44] that like he's produced a couple of black actor shows like shows that are for a an african-american

[17:50] audience yeah like there's that one that's called like girlfriends or something like that but kelsey

[17:54] grammar is the executive producer on you'd think though that like after like tears and fraser like

[17:59] you wouldn't run through all that money already that he has to do like what are you talking about

[18:03] run through the money. Well, no, but like to do

[18:05] one of those 100 episode cash-in

[18:07] type projects. I mean, one, he was probably the

[18:09] producer, in which case he'd make a lot of money. And two,

[18:11] this is a man with some serious chemical addiction

[18:13] problems, and he has lost a lot

[18:15] of money over the years. But anyway,

[18:17] Kelsey Grammer is barely in

[18:19] the movie, so I don't know why we're talking about it so much.

[18:21] I don't know. Apparently we're just like,

[18:23] come at us, Kelsey Grammer.

[18:25] Come at us. Come on, Kelsey.

[18:27] Yeah, we're real scared of a guy with a name

[18:29] that is Kelsey. Immediately

[18:31] recognizable? I'm kind of scared of that.

[18:33] What is he, a villain? That's fair.

[18:35] No, he's got a lot of money.

[18:36] Anyway, we're literally two seconds into the movie.

[18:39] Our favorite characters from the old movie

[18:42] are in trouble because an evil

[18:43] character called the Jester, who looks

[18:46] just like the Marvel villain,

[18:48] the Jester. Mac Tonight.

[18:49] He looks a little bit like Mac Tonight at one point

[18:51] when he turns into a crescent moon. And later

[18:53] he has an exaggerated lipstick

[18:56] smile on him, like the jokester,

[18:57] as Stewart calls him.

[18:58] Played by Keith Ledger.

[19:01] He's a real joke store Harley Quinn combo at the end of the movie.

[19:09] I was about to do the Don Knotts impression.

[19:10] The Don Knotts, yeah.

[19:13] I'm not the villain you need.

[19:14] Wait a minute.

[19:16] Why would he go that way?

[19:17] The villain I need?

[19:18] Harvey, Jack, can we trust him?

[19:21] I've had a little to drink tonight.

[19:26] The Don Knotts.

[19:27] The Don Knotts.

[19:28] Somebody make that poster.

[19:31] And you know it's going to be Don Knotts with his mouth in a perfect circle like, ooh.

[19:37] The incredible Mr. Dark Knight.

[19:42] What does it say about that movie that I liked it a lot and I can remember almost no dialogue that Batman has in the whole movie?

[19:48] Except for Harvey Dent, can we trust him?

[19:50] Which I think I'm just remembering from that Pete Holmes video.

[19:54] Anyway, the Jester has stolen the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West,

[19:58] which I guess has some sort of eldritch, non-Euclidean power in it.

[20:01] Yeah, yeah.

[20:02] And he has the Flying Monkeys as his command,

[20:05] and he has some kind of glowing globe of powerful energy magic.

[20:08] So what's his deal?

[20:09] What's his jam?

[20:11] What's going on?

[20:11] It turns out later that he is the Wicked Witch of the West's brother.

[20:13] Okay.

[20:14] And she put a curse on him that made him a Jester, and he wants power now.

[20:18] So are they kind of like—

[20:20] And he turns people into marionettes.

[20:22] Are they kind of like the witches and warlocks of Oz?

[20:25] Are they kind of like the drow society in Forgotten Realms

[20:29] where the males are forbidden to practice magic, Elliot?

[20:33] Well, you asked me a question that I have no idea how to answer.

[20:38] I have neither the grounding in the Oz books

[20:40] nor the grounding in Forgotten Realms.

[20:42] So I'm going to say yes, I guess.

[20:46] Okay, interesting.

[20:47] It does seem that El Falbabelba or whatever, El Falbador,

[20:50] But, you know, what's her name in Wicked?

[20:51] Alfalba?

[20:52] Alfalba?

[20:53] Alfalba.

[20:53] Some 14-year-old girl, write in and tell me what the character's name is in Wicked.

[20:56] Yeah, Wicked, the Ewok musical.

[20:58] But that she has...

[21:02] Yub, yub, the Wicked story.

[21:03] Yub, yub.

[21:06] But it's no, it's a hit Broadway musical called Yub, exclamation point.

[21:10] It's an Ewok musical.

[21:12] Yub, yub.

[21:12] So, two thumbs yub, says the dead Siskel and Evert.

[21:19] We've reached a point in the podcast to give another tip to anyone who's been kidnapped.

[21:25] So open up the window in the bathroom of the place where you've been kidnapped

[21:31] so your kidnapper thinks that you've gone out there.

[21:34] Pull a good deed on them.

[21:35] But instead, go out through the other exit.

[21:39] Or hide in a closet.

[21:40] Here's another thing to remember.

[21:42] Exit through the gift shop.

[21:43] That's how you can escape a museum or a captor's lair.

[21:46] Yeah.

[21:47] And it gives you access to overpriced, I don't know, shirts.

[21:51] I mean, that's the thing.

[21:51] If you're Mr. Brainwash, you're going to do very well.

[21:53] You're going to want a souvenir of the time you were kidnapped.

[21:55] Maybe like a zoo book.

[21:57] A zoo book.

[21:59] Yeah, subscription-only magazine zoo books.

[22:01] Or like a zoobly zoo book.

[22:02] No, you can get those zoo books at gift shops of zoos.

[22:05] Can you?

[22:06] I only got it through the mail because I was a big zoo book subscriber as a kid.

[22:09] And I've got to tell you, there's a problem when you subscribe to it for years as a kid

[22:13] because there's only so many issues.

[22:15] So I must have gotten like old world vultures a number of times.

[22:21] Or like, you know, alligators.

[22:24] They got a thing.

[22:25] I do remember there was one called New World Monkeys.

[22:28] I think it was Old World Monkeys and New World Monkeys.

[22:30] And I was too young to really know what that meant.

[22:34] So I thought it was just Old Monkeys.

[22:36] Which do you prefer?

[22:39] I really can't tell the difference.

[22:39] Old World or New World Monkeys?

[22:40] I can't tell the difference between those monkeys.

[22:41] Let me write this down.

[22:42] Put it in my file.

[22:45] Anyway, so they need help because despite being a courageous lion, a robo-man, and some kind of pumpkin head character type figure, they can't defeat this jester.

[22:56] Some kind of straw construct.

[22:58] Some sort of, yeah, some sort of Alex Max type who can dissolve and then come back together.

[23:04] And he's a super genius.

[23:05] They can't defeat the jester.

[23:06] They need Dorothy the witch killer.

[23:08] and so we go to Kansas

[23:09] where the tornado

[23:11] from the previous movie

[23:12] and previous story

[23:13] and they say

[23:14] years have passed

[23:15] for us here in Oz

[23:16] but it'll seem to Dorothy

[23:17] like it's just the next day.

[23:19] So Dorothy has had

[23:20] a little time

[23:21] to deal with her

[23:22] adventure in Oz.

[23:23] She wakes up in a

[23:25] stressful situation.

[23:26] Yes, to say the least.

[23:27] She's got PTSD

[23:28] She killed somebody.

[23:29] She killed two people.

[23:31] Yeah.

[23:31] She dropped a house on one

[23:32] and then saw their feet

[23:33] curl up in like

[23:34] that weird thing.

[23:35] I mean even to this day

[23:36] that creeps me out.

[23:37] And then she melted.

[23:38] I bet you she can't take a shower maybe ever again.

[23:40] Yeah, even if it was justifiable homicide,

[23:43] it's a hell of a thing to kill a woman.

[23:45] To paraphrase Unforgiven.

[23:47] Yeah, yeah.

[23:48] Anyway, let's keep moving.

[23:50] You have to steal its soul.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:52] With a Polaroid camera.

[23:53] Sorry for referring to a witch as an it,

[23:55] but I didn't want to genderfy it.

[23:57] I think that's fair enough.

[23:58] Didn't want to genderfy?

[23:59] Yeah, genderfy it.

[24:00] You don't want to genderfy it,

[24:02] but moving into the witch's neighborhood.

[24:06] Degendrification is when they take a neighborhood that's totally dudes and these young women start coming in and turning all the shooting galleries into, like, what, pony stores?

[24:14] Boutiques or whatever.

[24:15] Boutiques?

[24:16] Boutiques.

[24:17] Boutiques.

[24:18] Where you buy designer bow staffs.

[24:22] Boutique.

[24:24] That's where Lady Donatello shops.

[24:28] Would you like that gift wrapped with a bow?

[24:31] I see what you did there.

[24:32] Yes.

[24:33] Dan, edit all of this.

[24:35] Okay.

[24:35] So it's the next day, Dorothy's house has been destroyed by a tornado.

[24:40] Now this is taking place in modern day, so her Aunt Em looks like Anna Gasteyer as that public radio character that she does.

[24:46] And her uncle, what's the uncle's name?

[24:50] Uncle Owen, let's say.

[24:51] It's Uncle Owen.

[24:51] He just looks like some guy.

[24:53] He's a moisture farmer.

[24:54] Now the house is wrecked, but it's not so bad.

[24:58] They can fix it.

[24:59] Dorothy's like, we can fix it, we can fix it, I swear.

[25:01] And they like give it up.

[25:02] They're like, fuck this.

[25:03] They're like, no, and an evil appraiser comes by, voiced by Martin Short, who has a classic devil beard.

[25:09] It's even pointed at the tip, and he's got a little henchman who's measuring stuff.

[25:13] He says, this house is unsafe.

[25:15] Who could be like a familiar.

[25:16] We have no idea.

[25:18] He's like that little monkey man that the bad guy in The Goon has.

[25:21] Sure.

[25:22] That little cat guy who's always depressed all the time.

[25:24] Yeah, but he's a tiny homunculus.

[25:26] So the appraiser says, this place is not safe.

[25:31] This property is condemned.

[25:32] You have to go to the emergency shelter and I guess I'll buy the house from you at a bargain basement price when you go to the condemned building sales fair that I'm hosting in town.

[25:42] It's a little like, you know, like Star Wars having so much to do about like trade agreements or whatever.

[25:48] Like in this fantasy world, you don't necessarily want to have to get into the idea of like understanding what these like deeds mean or like legal.

[25:57] Except I would say that having the deed to a farm be taken by the bank, for instance, is a long-standing plot.

[26:04] But that would be a much simpler thing than what is shown here.

[26:07] This is still not that difficult.

[26:09] The guy's clearly evil.

[26:09] He's trying to steal their house.

[26:11] Okay.

[26:11] And all the adults, being grown-ups, are like, well, I guess we gotta go along with it.

[26:16] Nothing we can do.

[26:16] We're homeless now.

[26:17] But Dorothy is like, no, no, we can't listen to this.

[26:20] That's when a rainbow totally attacks her.

[26:23] She's chased by a rainbow.

[26:25] She tastes it.

[26:26] She tastes the rainbow.

[26:27] she is tripping hard tripping the light fantastic when she wakes up she can't even see anymore but

[26:34] uh she the rainbow picks her up and takes her to oz where she uh is gonna save the day but

[26:40] she's left she needs to get to the emerald city for some reason the machine in the emerald city

[26:44] that brings her there doesn't take her to the emerald city i think that they get interrupted

[26:48] in the middle of it somehow i think that i think that the what is the jester pop in yeah i wasn't

[26:54] paying a lot of attention i think the monkeys like show dan's eyes were glued to his phone

[26:57] that's true but i think the monk i don't know what kind of naked pictures dan was looking at

[27:02] on his phone i think his eyes were literally glued it certainly wasn't the legends of oz

[27:06] deviant art page which we just looked at if you want to see a lot of drawings of a of like a sexy

[27:12] cowgirl yeah dorothy envisioned as a sexy cowgirl sometimes with a buffalo friend but rarely wearing

[27:19] pants oh never um no i yeah i i will admit i was not paying attention some of it was i was uh

[27:28] examining the wikipedia page to see the storied history of this uh production but but at that

[27:34] point i think that the villains came in and interrupted so the rainbow like deposited

[27:39] dorothy where she should not have she landed in a forest where she met her first new character

[27:45] aside from the jester wiser who is an owl whose character trait is that he is extremely fat super

[27:50] fat he is gargantuously imagine the fattest owl you've ever seen and then quadruple it and then

[27:56] add a hundred more owls to it each of whom each of which is fatter than the last like i i have

[28:02] to respect this movie by showing me a much fatter owl than i ever thought i would see well that's

[28:07] if you that's that's the name of this movie they say they say you've never seen an owl this fat

[28:12] one of the top 10

[28:13] fat owl films

[28:15] I'm fantasizing

[28:16] about taking the egg

[28:17] that that owl

[28:17] hatched from

[28:18] and turning it

[28:19] into a delicious omelette

[28:20] an owl omelette

[28:21] exactly

[28:23] that's like

[28:23] you would have to be

[28:25] a wimpy style

[28:26] comic character

[28:27] to eat that omelette

[28:28] sure

[28:29] a Dagwood style omelette

[28:30] I'm not sure

[28:31] that Stuart isn't

[28:31] a wimpy style

[28:32] comic character

[28:33] that's true

[28:34] so

[28:34] this incredibly fat owl

[28:37] also has

[28:37] he's a very fat

[28:38] kind of

[28:38] did somebody spray paint

[28:39] a

[28:40] he's got like an

[28:40] Argyle pattern. He has like an Argyle sweater

[28:43] pattern on the top half of his chest.

[28:44] It's just feathers. Is that part of his plumage?

[28:47] I think it's to get across the idea that he

[28:49] is something of an intellectual. He's a fat

[28:50] nerd. He also has little pince-nez glasses.

[28:53] Which stay on...

[28:55] I mean, I guess that's... Even when they go over a waterfall.

[28:57] But that's just good pince-nez fitting.

[28:59] Yeah, exactly. His nez is really

[29:01] pinced in those.

[29:02] You can't pince that nez

[29:05] anymore than it already is.

[29:06] They... Now,

[29:09] Weiser can't fly for obvious reasons.

[29:11] He is hideously fat, morbidly obese.

[29:13] For fatness reasons.

[29:14] He tries to flap his wings, he's going to die of a heart attack.

[29:17] He bounces very well.

[29:18] He can't even fly.

[29:19] He's like a gummy bear, bouncing here and there and everywhere.

[29:21] Even on an airplane, he can't fly.

[29:23] They're like, you're going to have to buy three seats, sir.

[29:25] You're going to have to buy a cargo plane.

[29:27] Oh, wow.

[29:27] Yeah.

[29:28] You are one and a half Kevin Smiths, sir.

[29:31] Yeah.

[29:32] We need to organize our own Operation Dumbo Drop just for you.

[29:37] So they pass through, first, Candy Country, which is a place that's all candy.

[29:42] Where they have a crazy acid freakout.

[29:43] The jester says, I'm going to trick them.

[29:46] All the signs in Candy Country say, don't eat the candy.

[29:49] The jester casts the most magic of spells to change the signs to say, eat the candy.

[29:54] They go crazy.

[29:56] In the kind of acid freakout I haven't seen since, I think, Roger Corman's The Trip.

[30:01] Subtle misdirection, yeah.

[30:03] They're like kids in a candy store in a town made of candy.

[30:07] And they eat a lot of candy to a song about candy.

[30:10] This is the second song in the movie, right?

[30:12] Yeah.

[30:12] The first one was the heart-stopping rendition of...

[30:16] What was the song?

[30:17] It's their...

[30:18] This movie is a version of Over the Rainbow,

[30:19] and it's not very good and not very memorable.

[30:21] It's about building...

[30:22] So the candy...

[30:23] As I said when we were watching it,

[30:25] this is their answer.

[30:26] It's a tough road to hoe,

[30:27] because Somewhere Over the Rainbow is probably,

[30:30] I would say, the best song ever written for a movie.

[30:33] Like, what else is better?

[30:34] Like, what's at that level even?

[30:37] The Dream Warriors theme

[30:42] from Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3

[30:44] I mean that's

[30:44] and I assume

[30:46] Big Trouble in Little China

[30:49] from the movie Big Trouble in Little China

[30:51] I mean that's the only real

[30:52] competitor but they have like a

[30:55] very bland kind of

[30:57] not as good song

[30:59] How about

[31:03] Take Control from Ghostbusters 2

[31:05] Oh, wait a minute.

[31:06] Whatever it's called.

[31:07] Saving the Day?

[31:08] No, no, no.

[31:09] Oh, Ghostbusters 2.

[31:10] I guess we...

[31:11] Take control.

[31:12] Da-da, da-da, da-da-da.

[31:14] Too hot to handle.

[31:15] Too cold to hold.

[31:16] Call the Ghostbusters

[31:17] and that ain't control.

[31:18] I gotta say,

[31:19] I'm not surprised

[31:20] Ghostbusters 3

[31:21] they want to get off the ground

[31:21] because the Ghostbusters movies

[31:22] were a cottage industry

[31:23] of originally written songs.

[31:25] Each one had like

[31:28] three new songs in it.

[31:30] Oh, man.

[31:30] About Ghostbusters.

[31:31] I gotta say,

[31:32] I kind of like Take Control

[31:33] more than I like

[31:34] Ray Parker Jr.

[31:36] Ghostbusters.

[31:36] You are an idiot.

[31:37] You are a madman.

[31:39] Hey, man.

[31:40] Maybe the catch,

[31:41] that is such a catchy song.

[31:43] It captures,

[31:44] despite knowing only-

[31:45] It's a rip-off of

[31:46] I Want a New Drug

[31:47] by Huey Lewis.

[31:49] It's a huge improvement

[31:50] on I Want a New Drug.

[31:51] I would say this.

[31:52] You've been told

[31:53] you've got to write a song

[31:54] for a movie called Ghostbusters.

[31:55] What's it about?

[31:55] It's about Ghostbusters.

[31:56] What does that mean?

[31:57] The title of the movie

[31:58] is Ghostbusters.

[31:58] Write a song for it.

[31:59] And you write a song

[32:00] that perfectly captures

[32:01] the feel of that movie?

[32:02] You are a genius.

[32:04] That is a movie where old people will unironically shout out,

[32:08] Bustin' makes me feel good.

[32:09] But what about if I want a song about...

[32:12] That's right up there with the poster for The Thing,

[32:14] where they said, we're going to make a remake of The Thing.

[32:16] What happens in it?

[32:17] It's called The Thing.

[32:18] Paint us a poster.

[32:19] What if I want a song that's all about Viggo, the master of evil,

[32:23] try to battle my boys.

[32:25] It's not legal.

[32:25] Woe, woe, woe.

[32:27] What if you want a song about love?

[32:29] You're not going to get that from the Ghostbusters theme either.

[32:32] I mean, that's not a correct criticism, Dan.

[32:36] I went to see this movie, Guardians of the Galaxy.

[32:38] But what if I wanted a movie about the effects of Alzheimer's on a family?

[32:43] Well, then this is not the movie to go to.

[32:45] What if I wanted a Duplass Brothers-style low-key comedy?

[32:49] Nobody goes to a movie that even argues with that.

[32:52] I went to go see Phantom of the Paradise,

[32:54] but I wanted to see an animated film about a young deer that grows up.

[32:58] Well, that's not a fair criticism.

[33:01] You knew perfectly well going in that that was not the movie you were seeing.

[33:04] To request a song about Viggo of Carpathia from a movie that does not feature that character is ridiculous on its face.

[33:13] Even so, sir, I demand my money back.

[33:15] Sir, I will give you no refund and you are banned from this theater.

[33:18] All right, free popcorn then.

[33:20] Nope, you have no negotiating platform right now.

[33:24] A small Coke.

[33:25] You should just give him the small Coke.

[33:29] Will you take this promotional lobby card for the film Pure Luck starring Martin Short and Danny Glover if it will get you to leave?

[33:39] I will.

[33:40] Now I have to apologize.

[33:41] It's the scene where Martin Short is puffed up from a bee sting.

[33:44] Don't show it to children.

[33:48] It will frighten them.

[33:49] Now, Assistant Manager Stewart, you had something you wanted to say.

[33:53] I was going to say the postcard is missing the U because the U, I guess, fell out of the title Pure Luck and landed on somebody's head, I guess.

[34:03] So it says P. Ray Luck.

[34:05] And it landed on Martin Short's head.

[34:07] But somehow that helped him solve the mystery.

[34:09] I didn't see the movie.

[34:10] Well, as someone who saw the movie, I can't answer any questions either.

[34:14] I know that it ends with Martin Short.

[34:15] Someone told me it was a comedy.

[34:17] I think they're lying.

[34:18] Okay.

[34:19] Now, is he playing the same character in this in Captain Ron?

[34:22] That's what I wanted to know.

[34:23] Not at all.

[34:24] They are brothers.

[34:25] Wow.

[34:27] Twin brothers.

[34:28] And they're the sons of the Martin.

[34:29] They're twin sitters.

[34:30] They're twin sitters.

[34:31] And they're the sons of the Martin Shrek character from Three Amigos.

[34:34] Shoddy Builders.

[34:36] Oh, man.

[34:39] Fuck the fucking Pixar theory.

[34:41] I want this unified theory of Martin Short movies.

[34:44] All of Martin Short.

[34:44] So how do we fit Jack Frost from the Santa Claus 3 into this?

[34:51] And I do know that this movie they watched tonight is part of the Martin Shortiverse.

[34:54] It is.

[34:54] Somebody at home needs to make the family tree of how all of Martin Short's characters are connected.

[34:59] How is Clifford related to Ed Grimley Jr.?

[35:03] How is his character from Inherent Vice related to, what's another Martin Short character?

[35:10] His character from Arrested Development.

[35:13] Yeah.

[35:13] Where he's the like.

[35:15] The weird bodybuilder guy.

[35:16] The old bodybuilder.

[35:17] I forgot about that character.

[35:19] Not one of their stronger moments.

[35:21] uh ironic because he's a very strong character okay so they eat the candy they're arrested by

[35:27] let's get back to the movie seems like a very sweet man so after this trippy dreamscape they

[35:33] are arrested for eating the candy by featuring floating jester heads our next big character

[35:37] marshall mallow who is a some kind of a some kind of a rap star yeah he's marshall marshall he grew

[35:44] eight eight eight mallow the the bad part of candy detroit and he wins a lot of rap battles

[35:51] dude now marshall mallow is the by the book hugh dancy voiced marshmallow yeah uh military

[36:00] policemen who arrest them with his chocolate scops that we couldn't tell if they were dogs

[36:05] they had mustaches he takes time out from his relentless pursuit of hannibal to arrest these

[36:13] miscreants yep it's like yeah that's this is my design yep a world of candy people eating the

[36:20] candy especially he's catching crooks who eat things crooks i imagine he doesn't want them

[36:26] to eat it because that candy land is the elaborate serial killer like uh plot like because every

[36:32] serial killer goes after puts on these elaborate pageant productions this guy has made he turned

[36:38] all his victims into candy and that's the scene of the crime yeah nothing i mean i love that show

[36:43] but nothing beats ridiculousness like the idea of lance henriksen as an old man just climbing

[36:48] a ladder to build a totem pole of bodies that's like 25 feet high no you can't believe that this

[36:54] exists in a real world it exists in the crazy in the crazy high opera opera world of uh hannibal

[37:00] yeah the the thomas harris universe the harris verse yeah in which hannibal and black sunday

[37:07] both exist in the same universe no kidding a book i read part of now they're brought before judge

[37:14] jawbreaker played by brian blessed a judge with a jawbreaker for a head dare i say i mean he's

[37:20] competing with patrick stewart but he might be the finest work on this movie yeah sure he really

[37:24] puts us all into the jawbreaker character from the one scene he's in now here's the thing i'll

[37:29] give this movie credit for they had references to real life culture pop culture things here

[37:34] and they'd have a jury of their of their peeps which is a jury box full of peeps there's the

[37:39] peanut galleries made of circus peanuts and yet it kind of worked yeah they didn't go too far with

[37:44] the references no this scene i wasn't like a mr goodbar scene in the movie i was i was half

[37:49] expecting it to be like all like knockoff shrek jokes and it surprisingly wasn't yeah i thought

[37:56] if this scene was about them in candy country of this movie about them in candy country might not

[38:01] have been a terrible movie. Unfortunately, they

[38:03] leave Candy Country pretty quick. Jawbreaker sentences

[38:05] them to death.

[38:06] Which is hilarious. And that's when they ask their

[38:09] names. Dorothy says... In a children's movie.

[38:11] I mean... They're gonna get killed.

[38:13] For eating candy.

[38:15] And it feels like the fat

[38:18] owl character is like,

[38:19] I guess it makes sense at this point. I've eaten

[38:21] so much candy. I deserve it.

[38:24] It's the same way I feel today.

[38:26] Finally I can find sweet release from this fat

[38:28] prison I live in. Someday

[38:30] i'm going to be given a ticket for jaywalking in new york and i'm gonna be like you know what

[38:34] you got me i've been doing this for 15 years i was bound it was bound to catch up with me

[38:38] eventually i cannot fight this sends me to death so so elsley is like hey you know what i did the

[38:45] crime i'm gonna do the time and the time is eternity because i'm gonna be dead but uh throw

[38:50] me in the ground don't even kill me first but when they ask their names for the death certificates

[38:53] darthee says darthee gale and they go oh darthee the hero the witch killer send them on their way

[38:58] this is not the only time this happens in the movie

[39:01] which makes you think, why does Dorothy not just

[39:02] brandish her name at everybody?

[39:04] She doesn't want to be like, that kind of like

[39:06] She doesn't want to be a celebrity who's like, give me the nice

[39:09] table because I'm Dorothy Gale. But it's like if Tom Cruise

[39:10] wanted to get into a club, and they're like

[39:12] who are you? And he's like, nobody, nobody

[39:14] you need a big fake mustache on, like

[39:16] just take advantage of your celebrity, dude

[39:18] Yeah, well it's

[39:20] it's like

[39:21] wearing on their sleeve the fact that they're playing

[39:24] on the strength of the original

[39:26] story by having

[39:28] dorothy literally being like remember that thing i did in that story you remember that's why you

[39:33] should let me do whatever the fuck i want basically yeah but also there's a lot of the

[39:37] there's the moment in wizard of oz where they're at the gates the emerald city and uh he's like oh

[39:44] you got the ruby slippers well that's a that's a horse of a different color come on in and then uh

[39:48] it's it's like okay let's do that four times in this movie yeah where people hear that she's

[39:54] dorothy they go oh well that's different or they say something in the and the the guardsman who's

[39:59] trying to keep him out of place goes oh well that's different come on in it's like yeah she

[40:02] does seem a little reluctant to play that shit like where it's just like i mean is it because

[40:08] she and they don't address the fact that she clearly is upset about the fact that she murders

[40:13] from murder i think it's because she's from humble kansas stock and she doesn't want to be a tall

[40:17] daffodil you know yeah every time people bring that up she imagines uh a poor witch melting to

[40:23] you're darlie the witch killer and she just was

[40:26] i didn't even know what would happen i blood on my hands green blood on my hands it won't come off

[40:34] it won't clean i can never be clean green jelly on my hands little pig little pig let me in

[40:40] oh thank you what a terrible song that was i remember buying the casingle when it was green

[40:50] jello why were they to change their name huh because i was a fucking kid and i had no taste

[40:55] that was like there were a few there were there were a few videos when i was young on mtv where

[41:01] i was just like i need to change the channel because this video was on because this is so

[41:06] terrible and one of them was uh green jello i assume you're thinking let me turn to vh1 because

[41:12] maybe there's something i can masturbate to here there yeah like three minutes like the vinyls i

[41:16] touch myself. Yeah, there you go.

[41:18] It's going to be three minutes before I can masturbate to anything on MTV

[41:20] unless that pig is

[41:22] kind of hot. The wolf's doing

[41:24] a lot of blowing. Anyway.

[41:26] I just know the grind's going to be on later. That's all I know.

[41:28] Wow. If I'm lucky,

[41:30] it's spring break or the summer and they're doing one of those

[41:32] swimsuit grinds. You know it.

[41:34] So Marshmallow joins them

[41:38] on their quest to the Emerald City so that

[41:40] Marshall Mallows, he can find the missing general.

[41:42] He has them, as you said, he has them dead to rights.

[41:44] Yeah, he caught them. They are

[41:46] guilty and yet they get to go free because they're white and marshall mallow is also white yeah and

[41:53] it's a white it's a white law structure you know but anyway he says well i have to go find general

[41:57] candy apple my commanding officer turns out candy apple's been kidnapped by the jester i'll go with

[42:01] you the dramatic irony for us because we know that he is currently turned into a weird puppet

[42:05] yeah let's keep okay we'll just continue let's zoom through this because we take it yeah we have

[42:10] gone way long they go through the dainty china country where they pick up the china princess

[42:14] who's rejecting potential suitors for her hand,

[42:18] one of whom is played by the guy

[42:19] who did the voice for Invader Zim,

[42:21] so that was fun for me.

[42:22] Tom Kenny was another of the suitors.

[42:23] Tom Kenny's another suitor.

[42:24] They took the great cartoon voice actors

[42:26] and just kind of shoved them in one scene for a moment.

[42:28] There's a weird great moment of shattered porcelain people,

[42:31] like faces still moving around.

[42:34] Yeah, just still sitting on the ground.

[42:35] Yeah, good nightmare father.

[42:36] It's like a weird Gilliam film.

[42:37] Again, another pretty good scene in the middle of the movie.

[42:40] The middle of the movie has a few good scenes.

[42:43] I'll tell you why.

[42:44] And they're sandwiched.

[42:45] Because they're going through these crazy worlds that each have an interesting hook about them.

[42:50] And then they're out of there.

[42:51] They go fast.

[42:52] After the dainty China country scene, they don't do that again.

[42:55] They're like, they build a boat out of a tree.

[42:58] Well, they build a boat out of Patrick Stewart.

[43:03] They go to the talking tree area where Dorothy took the apples in the first Wizard of Oz.

[43:08] And she wants Wood to build a boat so they can go down a river to get to the Emerald City.

[43:13] the one tree volunteers and it's an old it is on a hill i guess an old tree played by patrick

[43:20] stewart who's tired of sticking in one place and wants to see the world before he dies a giving

[43:24] tree if you will they build a boat out of him which is kind of frightening because it's just

[43:27] got that big chocolate tree head on the front and later soldiers are walking out of his mouth like

[43:32] it's but he's charming because it's patrick stewart but he's like i mean apparently he's

[43:36] still alive once they cut him down i don't know what the other trees are worried about

[43:40] but he but he's like i'm old i'll tell you what they're worried about i've i've you know make a

[43:45] boat out of me i want to see the world they're all agoraphobic okay and they want to stay in that

[43:49] little patch of ground yeah all right now they want to have a little fucking ant moot hanging

[43:54] out his name is tug and it's weird the tree is named tug before he became a boat that's a boat's

[43:58] name is tug he should have been called like branchy or tree beard doesn't he change his name

[44:04] to tank or talk later on now they go they get to the emerald city after falling over a waterfall

[44:10] in the in the process china girl gets broken china girl gets shattered into pieces but marshmallow

[44:15] man takes some uh some fire and melts little bits of his marshmallow body in the most rainbow three

[44:23] moment of the movie lose her back together i mean that's number one that's not very good well he

[44:28] sings a song about being wait have you ever tried it dude marshmallows are sticky dude

[44:32] deal with i mean for a deal or not deal with like the reason they're called marshmallows

[44:38] because marshes are sticky.

[44:39] They're not desert mallows.

[44:40] All right, fair enough.

[44:41] It's very sticky.

[44:43] Maybe it's just a temporary measure

[44:44] until they can find some Oz crazy glue.

[44:46] But all we know is

[44:47] gluing her pieces back together

[44:48] brings her back to life.

[44:49] They're in love

[44:50] despite the obvious differences.

[44:51] He serves the army.

[44:53] The obvious size differences.

[44:54] We had a lot of discussion

[44:56] while we were watching this movie.

[44:57] Not a lot.

[44:57] We had a little bit of discussion.

[44:59] Yeah, we drew a bunch of fucking diagrams.

[45:01] About how these characters

[45:02] might indulge in the physical act of love.

[45:04] The physical act of love.

[45:05] I'm just saying.

[45:06] I was going to say

[45:07] Their main problem is that he's the soldier of a different nation.

[45:10] I'm saying that the main problem is he is literally six times larger than her.

[45:15] Even with his, like, squishy marshmallow penis,

[45:20] I'm not really sure how this union is going to—

[45:25] I don't—I mean, like, am I alone here?

[45:27] I thought there was a bone in it.

[45:28] I thought that's why they called her a boner.

[45:30] Maybe it's not that kind of relationship.

[45:33] There's not a physical dimension, like Carol Channing and her husband.

[45:36] It's a companionate marriage.

[45:38] Maybe he's gay.

[45:40] Maybe he blows feathers across her tummy and she fucking reaches climax, dude.

[45:44] What did that happen in?

[45:45] 40 Days and 40 Nights.

[45:46] The worst movie ever made.

[45:49] Nothing but trouble.

[45:50] Feathers across her tummy.

[45:51] Nothing but trouble is the worst movie ever made.

[45:53] I don't know, dude.

[45:54] Featuring this movie's Dan Aykroyd.

[45:56] Anyway, they, uh, Dorothy-

[45:58] Wait, Dan Aykroyd was in that movie?

[45:59] Uh, he wrote it and played multiple parts.

[46:03] But I remember a character with a penis for a nose that looked kind of like Dan Aykroyd.

[46:07] A penis for a noid.

[46:08] Which you have to avoid.

[46:10] Avoid the penis noid.

[46:12] He fucks pizzas.

[46:13] That's how it happens.

[46:16] That's what he does.

[46:17] Like Tony Millionaire.

[46:18] That's how you get more pizzas, though.

[46:21] That's the only way.

[46:21] Tony Millionaire was in Big Sausage Pizza?

[46:23] No.

[46:23] The sad thing, though, like if you want more pizzas, the only way is to fuck more, fuck

[46:29] pizzas and then have little pizza babies.

[46:31] Yeah, they're called pizza bagels.

[46:33] That's how you make pizza bagels.

[46:34] Like in Back to the Future 2?

[46:35] Yeah, they take that dehydrated pizza and they put it in the sex machine.

[46:41] It's the orgasmatron from Sleeper and it comes out as a full pizza.

[46:44] Anyway, Dorothy goes to the Emerald City.

[46:47] She confronts the jester who, like, captures her or whatever.

[46:51] I don't even remember.

[46:51] Wiser the owl overcomes his fear of flying to go help her.

[46:55] Everybody else goes to help her.

[46:57] There's that great scene that we talked about where all of a sudden

[46:59] There's just a cut back to Patrick Stewart where there's a bird on his nose and he goes, sing me a song, which is the best part of the movie.

[47:08] It sounds like Patrick Stewart was just kind of speaking to himself and they decided to put it in the movie.

[47:13] Like he still might.

[47:15] There's a scene.

[47:16] Now, the animation in this movie is not as bad as Food Fight, but there is a scene now where when Wowser learns to fly, when Wowsy Owl learns to fly, there's a scene where it looks like.

[47:28] it's pretty funny it's a pretty funny it's a pretty funny scene but also it's so poor looking

[47:33] it looks like he's in front of a bad green screen and this is a cgi movie there's no real element

[47:37] that's the thing every time they shoot dorothy with the little china woman in her knapsack or

[47:42] fucking uh satchel it just looks like bad uh forced perspective it looks like elijah wood

[47:49] me and mckellen are like 10 feet apart but you're supposed to assume they're like right next to each

[47:52] other but i but i i got like in terms of like timing in terms of editing like a animated movie

[47:58] in terms of like figuring out like visually what how to like sell a gag where he's like flying it's

[48:05] pretty funny because you got this huge owl and then they just hold the longest shot where he

[48:11] like flies off into the distance over a waterfall and you slowly see him get smaller and smaller

[48:17] And it's just a static shot, and it's a choice that I feel like, you know, in a bad movie, you wouldn't normally see that kind of, like.

[48:26] Yeah, no, I mean, this is, there are a couple moments in this movie where you're like, oh, that's not terrible.

[48:31] Yeah.

[48:31] But mostly it's just kind of a bland, boring movie.

[48:34] So let's skip through it.

[48:35] They confront the Jester, who, as far as I'm concerned, never really feels like an Oz character.

[48:39] He has his magic staff with, like, a magic orb on the top.

[48:44] They, Dorothy's having trouble stopping him, except the Jester's really his worst enemy.

[48:48] Dorothy and the other heroes kind of stop dealing with him for a while during the climax as the Jester chases his magic orb across rooftops and down, like, pipes and things like that.

[48:58] Yeah, well, they deal with the problem through the violence of attacking enemies with candy.

[49:03] That's when Tug comes in.

[49:04] Tug the tree boat is now a tank, and he calls himself Tank.

[49:07] And he comes in with some soldiers from Candyland, and they're just shooting candy at flying monkeys, and it is relatively violent.

[49:14] If you consider monkeys being covered in candy

[49:18] The scarecrow turns the tin man's head into a gun

[49:21] And is working at like an old machine gun with a crank

[49:24] And there's just a shot of the lion

[49:27] Blasting people with I don't know what out of a candy cane

[49:30] It gets weirdly shooting

[49:32] It's pretty great because he's like kind of turning slowly in slow motion

[49:36] Firing these jelly beans I guess indiscriminately

[49:38] And then it cuts to a shot of one monkey getting hit with multiple jelly beans

[49:43] And there's no way, because he keeps aiming them in different directions,

[49:46] there's no way they're all hitting the same monkey.

[49:48] Well, they're monkey-seeking jelly beans.

[49:49] There's a big tornado that the Jester summons to get rid of Dorothy,

[49:54] and he almost gets sucked into it.

[49:57] A bunch of soldiers march out of the tree tank's mouth.

[50:01] They've just been hiding in his gut.

[50:03] And the soldiers, if the China soldiers get broken, they're still alive and still moving,

[50:08] and if the chocolate soldiers, if their heads come off, they're still walking around moving.

[50:12] these are hideous you know zombie automatons at this point they should not be darthy through the

[50:17] power of i guess being a good person they're like golems yeah they're chocolate golems which are

[50:23] given out every year by jewish parents to jewish children on the holiday of golemos or yum golem

[50:31] yum golem is the day we celebrate how yummy golems are how much gelt do those cost uh a lot

[50:37] because you've got to melt it down to make your golem okay luckily gelt is the worst tasting

[50:41] chocolate in the world so you don't want you don't mind melting it down so darthee uses the

[50:47] power of her being a good person i guess to break the staff and she throws in tornado uh jester

[50:52] jumps into tornado to get the staff dies or something and uh we see no more of his wicked

[50:57] hilarious ways uh everybody who was a marionette because he turns people to mariettes turned back

[51:02] okay everything's fine darthee goes home she reveals that the fake appraiser who's buying

[51:08] everybody's houses for a song is in fact an imposter the police arrest him and over the end

[51:13] credits playing like he uh you know he's been playing multiple roles multiple identities like

[51:19] a dr henry holmes yeah like a hilarious dr henry holmes he's he's like a regular uh

[51:25] i don't know i can't even think of it yeah guy who pretends to be other guys yeah that guy

[51:31] you know that guy you know he's a regular catch me if you can yeah anyway so uncatchable

[51:38] What if the uncatchable team goes after

[51:41] Catch Me If You Can

[51:42] That's a team up

[51:43] It's like a

[51:47] Frankenstein vs. Godzilla type thing

[51:48] They're fighting each other

[51:50] That's the scientist fights Godzilla

[51:52] Thank you

[51:54] Does he just create a giant

[51:56] Undead monster

[51:57] He sews together the corpse of giants

[52:00] The corpse of giants into a giant monster

[52:02] Of a bunch of Migos or whatever the fuck

[52:04] He sews together the corpses of all of the giants

[52:06] Football team

[52:07] to make one hideous football mass.

[52:10] Yeah.

[52:11] With Phil Simms as the head.

[52:13] And Godzilla eats it

[52:15] and it gives him brain damage or something.

[52:16] That's terrible.

[52:17] It's a terrible movie.

[52:18] Anyway, and Godzilla has to deal

[52:19] with a lot of debilitating health effects

[52:21] later in life.

[52:22] More sad than it is thrilling.

[52:24] Yeah.

[52:25] So, Dorothy,

[52:27] and over the end credits,

[52:28] Dorothy helps them rebuild the town

[52:29] as a song plays.

[52:31] The end of Legends of Oz.

[52:34] And I guess the door's open

[52:35] for them to use that rainbow machine

[52:37] to bring her back and have another

[52:39] Legends of Oz. Have another rainbow

[52:41] connection. Yeah.

[52:42] Don't bring up that movie I like more than this movie.

[52:45] So, uh, wow.

[52:47] This is, somehow this is the

[52:49] longest we've gone. We barely talked about

[52:51] the movie. Yeah, I don't know what happened. Well, we talked

[52:53] about a bunch of stupid stuff, Dan. Yeah, that's

[52:55] my favorite thing to do. But, um,

[52:57] let's... Now what do we do?

[52:59] Let's do Final Judgments.

[53:00] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Wow.

[53:03] Boom. Classic. Classic sound effect.

[53:05] Haven't heard that one in a while.

[53:07] that's the house cat's brother nerdy house cat was this a good um excuse me

[53:13] i think you find that row to the power of row will equal the results you would desire

[53:21] uh yeah the nerdy house cat who like figures out the equation that makes uh lady house cats

[53:30] bra's ball

[53:31] the gentile strength

[53:33] of that bra

[53:34] is not enough

[53:34] to withstand my

[53:36] laser beams

[53:37] I like how you said

[53:37] lady house cat's bra's

[53:39] because a lady house cat

[53:40] would have multiple bra's

[53:41] for her multiple rows

[53:42] of nipples

[53:43] yeah

[53:43] not

[53:45] not attracted

[53:46] by human standards

[53:47] but to a cat

[53:48] to a cat

[53:49] very beautiful

[53:49] you know

[53:50] less than six breasts

[53:51] would seem strange

[53:52] amazing

[53:54] so

[53:56] so

[53:56] final judgments

[53:58] everybody

[53:58] this is the part

[53:59] of the podcast

[54:01] where we...

[54:03] Are you okay, Stuart?

[54:04] I've never seen anyone choke to death on laughter before.

[54:07] And Coors.

[54:09] Where we judged this movie.

[54:12] Silver bullet to the head.

[54:13] We judged this movie finally.

[54:15] Which is to say, was this a good, bad movie?

[54:17] A bad, bad movie?

[54:18] Or a movie you kind of liked?

[54:20] I'm going to start.

[54:21] I'm going to say...

[54:23] Wow, okay. Just assign yourself the majority opinion there,

[54:25] Chief Justice Dan.

[54:29] The first and last third of this movie, bad, bad movie.

[54:34] The middle third of this movie, I kind of liked it.

[54:37] There's a weird sort of magic to the middle part of this movie

[54:41] that the rest of the movie did not sustain.

[54:44] And that's what I have to say about that.

[54:46] Stu, what do you have to say?

[54:47] I'm going to say this is a bad, bad movie with the caveat

[54:51] that it is not nearly as bad as I expected it to be watching the trailer.

[54:56] I'm going to go with Stuart on that.

[54:57] This is not a food fighter and ooey look.

[54:58] This was at best bland and boring.

[55:01] I remember seeing the trailers in the theater

[55:03] and being like, what the fuck am I watching?

[55:05] Because I assumed it was like a D-grade Shrek ripoff,

[55:10] and it was not nearly that bad.

[55:12] This was also put out by Sunshine Media or something,

[55:16] something that sounds like a made-up shell corporation.

[55:19] Summertime Entertainment.

[55:21] All right, yeah.

[55:21] Some kind of Kelsey Grammer-owned business.

[55:24] This is just Summertime Entertainment, guys.

[55:25] It was a U.S.-India co-production.

[55:30] It's a movie that you would think would be crazy bonkers bad.

[55:36] And it's just like, meh.

[55:37] I would say the best I can say about it is, as a huge Wizard of Oz fan,

[55:42] I never felt like this is...

[55:44] You didn't think that anyone was urinating on Frank L. Baum's grave?

[55:48] L. Frank Baum.

[55:50] L. Frank Baum, sorry.

[55:50] Frank L. Baum is completely different guy.

[55:54] It didn't feel like a desecration.

[55:55] It just kind of felt unnecessary.

[55:57] Sure.

[55:57] Yeah, so that's great.

[56:00] So we do have a couple of sponsors for tonight's show.

[56:06] I love them.

[56:07] It's insane.

[56:08] People want to support the Flophouse.

[56:11] Okay, cool.

[56:12] Let's hear about them.

[56:12] I think that's wonderful.

[56:13] Let's support them.

[56:15] Let's support them and find out who they are and what products we can buy.

[56:18] And first, The Flophouse is brought to you in part by the kind support of Audible.com,

[56:26] the Internet's leading provider of spoken audio information and entertainment.

[56:31] What does that include, Dan?

[56:32] Does that mean audio books?

[56:33] That means audio books.

[56:34] Does that mean podcasts?

[56:35] I'm not sure.

[56:37] It definitely means audio books.

[56:38] Well, thanks, Dan.

[56:40] That's the audio books of choice from The Flophouse Wives Book Club.

[56:46] Yes, that's true.

[56:47] Yeah, our lovely wives have a book club, which is a thing that they do when we're being assholes in this apartment doing this.

[56:56] And they don't want to be around us.

[56:57] My wife uses Audible.

[56:58] And she really likes the fact that if she doesn't like a book, she can return it.

[57:03] There's a lot of really great things about Audible.

[57:05] Excellent.

[57:06] Well, and Audible is offering Flophouse listeners a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial membership.

[57:12] just go to audiblepodcast.com

[57:15] slash flop

[57:16] and get a free audio book of your choice

[57:19] now at audiblepodcast.com

[57:22] slash

[57:22] flop

[57:23] but we're also sponsored this week by

[57:26] Squarespace

[57:27] the all in one website platform

[57:30] that makes building your own website

[57:32] simple and easy

[57:33] if you need a website

[57:34] why not make it simple and easy

[57:36] let's face it you need a website

[57:38] why make it difficult and hard

[57:41] No.

[57:42] I mean, those words mean the same thing, but...

[57:44] But with different intonations.

[57:45] Make it simple and easy.

[57:46] You never say you're totally difficult for a girl.

[57:48] Yeah.

[57:49] Sure.

[57:49] I don't know what that means.

[57:50] You never say you're making me so difficult.

[57:52] Yep.

[57:52] You use the other word.

[57:54] That seems okay.

[57:55] I'm not sure what Squarespace thinks of that, being in the middle of the ad, but...

[57:59] Look, what we're saying is Squarespace takes something that could be really hard.

[58:03] Yeah.

[58:04] And makes it really easy.

[58:05] Makes it easy.

[58:05] They've been a big supporter of the Flophouse podcast.

[58:08] They have been.

[58:09] They certainly have been.

[58:10] Squarespace has beautiful templates, integration with Google Apps.

[58:14] Those templates are making me difficult.

[58:15] And Getty Images, and it has responsive design, which means, you know, it doesn't matter.

[58:22] You're looking at it on your laptop.

[58:25] You're looking at it on your phone.

[58:27] You're looking at it on your iPad.

[58:29] Yeah.

[58:30] Looks great no matter where you're looking at these websites.

[58:34] For a free trial.

[58:35] You don't have to set up a whole new website for every medium, every device.

[58:39] No, that would be foolish.

[58:41] Yeah.

[58:41] Use Squarespace instead.

[58:42] For a free trial and 10% off your first order,

[58:45] go to squarespace.com, enter the code FLOP.

[58:49] Squarespace, start here, go anywhere.

[58:53] That's F-L-O-P.

[58:55] My advice, go to audible.com, use the code to get a book,

[58:59] start up your account there, listen to it

[59:01] while you're setting up your website through Squarespace.

[59:03] Yeah, your Flophouse podcast fan page.

[59:06] Right out of the book on your new webpage.

[59:07] There is a dearth of Flophouse fan pages.

[59:10] There's, of course, the Flophouse Wiki, which is great.

[59:12] And the Flophouse Recommends page.

[59:14] But I go to the Boomist Flophouse Ring.

[59:16] There's nothing there.

[59:18] Do people even have web rings anymore?

[59:20] What's a web ring?

[59:22] It was just a bunch of linked sites, and you could click between them.

[59:24] Is there even any DeviantArt about the Flophouse?

[59:27] That is a dangerous door to open, and I'd rather we not go through it.

[59:31] A Flophouse fan site is one thing.

[59:34] We don't need more pictures of us and the house cat having sex with each other.

[59:41] I'm Jesse Thorne.

[59:42] I'm Jordan Morris.

[59:43] The federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities that you need to seize today.

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[59:56] Post-it stamps that'll ensure your mail gets there in a timely fashion.

[1:00:00] Fruit for you and your family.

[1:00:02] Child care for your children that turns them into super soldiers.

[1:00:05] Get a million dollars to open your own lake.

[1:00:08] Useful power tools that are easy on your soft, delicate hands.

[1:00:12] Your own personal radioactive brick.

[1:00:14] More sexual attention from everyone at the used bookstore.

[1:00:17] Greyhound tickets.

[1:00:19] Soft, gentle kisses from TV's John Goodman.

[1:00:22] A real narwhal.

[1:00:23] Athletic socks filled with stew.

[1:00:25] A valuable pamphlet on millet.

[1:00:28] Your father's approval.

[1:00:29] Don't wait, right now.

[1:00:32] For all of this and more, drop us a line.

[1:00:35] jordan jesse go one two three itunes street or wherever you download podcasts okay dan what's

[1:00:43] next so uh i have do you want to use this chance to talk about some of our other great podcasts

[1:00:50] on our maximum fun network uh that actually would be a good thing to do at this point um

[1:00:55] thank you to our network maximum fun uh max and you can go visit them at maximum fun.org

[1:01:02] yeah uh we've got a lot of great podcasts on the same maximum fun network such as jordan jesse go

[1:01:09] you've got judge john hodgman you've got john hodgman our nemesis podcast yeah yeah listen to

[1:01:16] it but be mad when you listen to it the adventure zone shake your fist my brother my brother and me

[1:01:21] sawbones get a room my brother my brother and me in the flop house uh you got your uh

[1:01:29] Wham Bam Pow

[1:01:30] Your Lady to Lady

[1:01:32] Pop Rocket, right?

[1:01:33] Yeah, a lot of great podcasts

[1:01:35] Did you say Adventure Zone?

[1:01:35] I did

[1:01:36] Bunker Buddies

[1:01:38] Did you say Bunker Buddies?

[1:01:39] No, Stuart did

[1:01:40] I just said it

[1:01:41] Did you say My Brother, My Brother and Me?

[1:01:43] What about Sawbones?

[1:01:44] Did you mention that?

[1:01:45] Get a room, My Brother, My Brother and Me

[1:01:47] in the Flophouse

[1:01:47] Okay, but the point is

[1:01:49] Go to MaximumFun.org

[1:01:52] Check out a lot of great shows

[1:01:55] on our network

[1:01:56] and enjoy them

[1:01:59] that's what they're for for you to enjoy not for i guess information purposes no no if you want to

[1:02:06] use them for information purposes you will be uh sorely disappointed a lot of them have more

[1:02:12] information than this podcast sure like sawbones has information on it yeah no that's true there's

[1:02:17] actual medical information to be had there i mean you probably i mean i fired my doctor

[1:02:21] no that i just listened i would not do that i would not do that i don't recommend that i said

[1:02:26] Physician, heal thy fucking self.

[1:02:28] And I tossed a match at him.

[1:02:29] Wow.

[1:02:30] And he walked away as he exploded.

[1:02:33] Why did he explode?

[1:02:34] I don't know.

[1:02:35] He's just that kind of doctor.

[1:02:35] He was drinking a lot of butane.

[1:02:37] He was a bad doctor.

[1:02:41] He was a bad doctor who thought it was good to drink butane.

[1:02:43] Everyone I deal with is the bad version of themselves.

[1:02:46] Bad doctors, bad teachers, bad Santas.

[1:02:48] Sure.

[1:02:48] Bad judges like Kate Walsh.

[1:02:51] I don't know, like NBC's Saturday Night Lineup.

[1:02:56] So anyway, now is the point.

[1:02:58] And you keep trying to order good pizza, but you keep getting bad Andy.

[1:03:02] What about good burger?

[1:03:04] Domino's, what's going on with that?

[1:03:05] What about good burger?

[1:03:06] No, I mean, that's great.

[1:03:08] I have bad burger.

[1:03:08] Oh, that's terrible.

[1:03:11] You know that show Good Times?

[1:03:12] I turn it on and Bad Times plays.

[1:03:14] You ever have the candy good and plenty?

[1:03:17] Bad and plenty.

[1:03:18] Sounds like you've got a terrible life, Elliot.

[1:03:22] You ever heard of the movie It's a Wonderful Life?

[1:03:24] I'm It's a Terrible Life.

[1:03:26] worried about you you know that old british comedy group the goodies the baddies

[1:03:31] um you know your favorite movie dan good luck chuck can you guess what elliot's version is

[1:03:39] no i can't it's called bad luck it's called bad luck it's called bad luck charlie

[1:03:43] nobody wants to be his friend and call him chuck yeah so uh ironically bad dad soccer dad

[1:03:51] good dad tennis dad

[1:03:53] you know your second favorite movie

[1:03:55] the long kiss good night

[1:03:56] long kiss bad night Dan

[1:03:59] that's my second favorite movie

[1:04:03] is the long kiss good night

[1:04:05] you know the Elton John song you hear the most

[1:04:07] bad bye yellow brick road

[1:04:08] right thanks bizarro hosts

[1:04:13] Neil Simon's the goodbye girl

[1:04:15] you guessed it the bad boy boy

[1:04:17] even the bye part was changed that's how bad it is

[1:04:23] all right well um thanks but now boris bad enough more like boris good enough who was a real person

[1:04:37] trying to move on there's an opera based on him to uh letters from listeners like you the person

[1:04:45] who's listening to this podcast right now.

[1:04:47] If you had written this letter,

[1:04:48] it could have been your letter

[1:04:50] that I'm reading right now.

[1:04:51] That's the tautest tautology I've ever felt.

[1:04:54] Unless you are the guy or girl

[1:04:58] who wrote this letter that I'm about to read,

[1:05:00] in which case, cheers.

[1:05:02] Cheers.

[1:05:03] Cheers.

[1:05:04] Have no fear

[1:05:06] because your letter will be read on the air tonight.

[1:05:08] Or maybe it won't.

[1:05:10] I don't know because I don't know you

[1:05:13] and Dan picks the letters.

[1:05:15] I've got no idea and I haven't seen them.

[1:05:17] But now we're going to read them and hear them and be them.

[1:05:20] We'll be the letters.

[1:05:21] We'll act them out on our new show, the Flophouse Letter Act Out Show.

[1:05:26] Sunday is at 10 o'clock on TNT.

[1:05:29] TNT knows drama.

[1:05:32] That song was almost long enough for Stuart to go to the fridge and get a Modelo.

[1:05:38] This is your third beer, fourth beer?

[1:05:40] This counts as one.

[1:05:44] So anyway, this letter goes a little something like this.

[1:05:48] How does it go?

[1:05:49] I started listening to you earlier this year.

[1:05:52] From episode one, I'm still only part of the way to being current.

[1:05:55] I must say I feel like a bit of an underachiever

[1:05:58] as it's taken me months to reach episode 124,

[1:06:02] Stolen, starring Nicolas Cage.

[1:06:05] Hey, it took us years to get there.

[1:06:07] While earlier letter writers have reported

[1:06:09] blowing through your whole back catalog in a week or less,

[1:06:14] Nonetheless, I've been enjoying listening to the podcast fast-forward itself through time,

[1:06:17] compressed like a time-lapse movie.

[1:06:19] Stewart gets married.

[1:06:21] Elliot writes for Marvel.

[1:06:22] Dan finds a job and secures his position as pervasoid number one.

[1:06:25] And, of course, while I was still traumatized by Ding Dong Gate,

[1:06:29] the back catalog allowed me to fly through all five stages of grief in record time.

[1:06:34] Now that I've gone too far in attempting to prove my bona fides,

[1:06:37] I would like to ask a question.

[1:06:38] Don't even do it, Stewart.

[1:06:41] I was thinking recently about the concept of the setup.

[1:06:45] When movies go out of their way to show you something early on

[1:06:50] so that later when the hero uses it,

[1:06:52] it doesn't seem like it just came out of nowhere.

[1:06:54] For example, sometimes a movie has to make sure to show someone swimming

[1:06:58] so that later the audience doesn't react in disbelief

[1:07:01] when the fittest teenager on earth is able to swim 20 feet.

[1:07:04] My question for you is this.

[1:07:06] What do you think are the examples of some really great payoffs?

[1:07:11] They could be great because of how subtle or unexpected the setup is,

[1:07:14] or perhaps because of how insane the payoff is.

[1:07:17] Anyway, thanks for the great podcast.

[1:07:20] Perhaps one day our timelines will once again be aligned.

[1:07:23] Scott, last name withheld.

[1:07:25] I'm going to say that one thing that springs to mind immediately

[1:07:31] is that I feel like all of Edgar Wright's movies are...

[1:07:37] Man, I wish I could watch his movies.

[1:07:38] You know whose movies I've been seeing?

[1:07:39] Edgar Wrong.

[1:07:41] But I feel like, I mean, like, all of his movies work really well as comedies because, like, the first half of them are funny on their own terms.

[1:07:54] Uh-huh.

[1:07:55] And then not on someone else's terms.

[1:07:57] No, but, like, it's not just like.

[1:07:59] Not on Jacques Titi's terms.

[1:08:01] It's not like you're, like, just, like, bored, like, okay, this is signing something up.

[1:08:05] No, it's funny in the beginning, too.

[1:08:06] You find it, it's funny, and then, like, the second half of his movie.

[1:08:09] Things pay off.

[1:08:10] Yeah, a series of payoffs that are so elegantly put together

[1:08:14] that you didn't realize that they were going to be paid off.

[1:08:17] And you're like, okay, great.

[1:08:19] Like, everything that happened in the first half meant something.

[1:08:22] And I think that's the first thing that comes to my mind.

[1:08:26] Yeah, I mean, me too.

[1:08:29] What about you, Elliot?

[1:08:30] Are you well-versed in...

[1:08:32] Actually, a movie I'm going to mention is one that is a little...

[1:08:34] I feel like the Coen brothers do a similarly very good job

[1:08:37] of paying things off later that they've set up.

[1:08:39] But one movie that I love, it might be my favorite of their movies, although it is not, I would not say it's the best of their movies, but in The Man Who Wasn't There, there's a lot of offhand references to things that are paid off later in ways that don't always make sense and don't always even move the plot forward, but are really funny.

[1:08:59] Like James Gandolfini's wife believes that something involving aliens took him away.

[1:09:06] And so later when Billy Bob Thornton is in jail and walks out, just looks at a flying saucer in the air, nods at it, and then walks back into jail.

[1:09:13] Like, it's totally goofy and is a non-sequitur in a lot of ways, but it's a payoff to this thing.

[1:09:18] Like, I feel like in that movie, there's a lot of loose strands that don't necessarily get tied together, but they reappear in different forms than they started.

[1:09:26] And it feels like a whole, even though plot-wise, it's not like that was a big plot payoff or anything.

[1:09:33] Yeah, I don't know if it's cheating,

[1:09:35] but to kind of go along with the same lines

[1:09:37] that Edgar Wright,

[1:09:38] but I feel like Cabin in the Woods

[1:09:39] is a movie that does a lot of that

[1:09:41] where they introduce things.

[1:09:43] And I don't know if it totally fits

[1:09:44] the parameters of the question either,

[1:09:47] but I feel like things are introduced early on

[1:09:49] that end up showing up later on.

[1:09:52] I mean, all the stuff about the merman

[1:09:55] that comes up later.

[1:09:57] Yeah, like it seems like a throwaway joke,

[1:09:59] but then it becomes a real thing later on.

[1:10:01] Yeah, and I think that might be the secret

[1:10:03] to doing these things that pay off

[1:10:06] is, like, it can't be obvious.

[1:10:09] Yeah, the more obvious the setup,

[1:10:11] the less satisfying the payoff.

[1:10:14] Right.

[1:10:15] Much like, I mean,

[1:10:18] there's the old Chekhov thing about, like,

[1:10:19] if there's a gun on the mantle in Act 1

[1:10:24] and it has to go off in Act 3,

[1:10:25] but, like, if the camera stops on that gun for a while,

[1:10:30] you know it's going to go off.

[1:10:31] So it's not a good payoff.

[1:10:33] It has to be something that is tossed off in Act 1,

[1:10:36] but then in Act 3 you're like,

[1:10:37] whoa, that was supposed to be this thing,

[1:10:40] which is what Edgar Wright does so well.

[1:10:41] I think that we're talking about a lot of movies

[1:10:44] that are similar tonally,

[1:10:45] but it just occurs to me

[1:10:48] that something like Guardians of the Galaxy,

[1:10:50] one thing that I like about the climax of that movie,

[1:10:54] it's not necessarily a setup,

[1:10:56] but the fact that the climax of that movie

[1:10:59] hinges on like star lord suddenly just like dancing and singing in the context of like

[1:11:06] a big marvel movie that's kind of an unexpected thing that happens but it ties into like that

[1:11:15] in in a satisfying way or uh even it could even be something as simple as like in groundhog day

[1:11:22] the

[1:11:23] like the

[1:11:24] radio starting

[1:11:26] at the same

[1:11:27] place each time

[1:11:28] each morning

[1:11:29] so on the last day

[1:11:30] when it starts

[1:11:32] at a slightly

[1:11:32] different point

[1:11:33] in the song

[1:11:33] it is enough

[1:11:34] to tip you off

[1:11:35] that something

[1:11:36] is different

[1:11:36] and so it's like

[1:11:37] the beginning

[1:11:38] of the payoff

[1:11:38] of you know

[1:11:39] the conclusion

[1:11:40] of the film

[1:11:41] like there's

[1:11:42] it's a

[1:11:42] it's not a same

[1:11:43] set up in the terms

[1:11:44] of like

[1:11:44] this happened

[1:11:45] in the first act

[1:11:46] now this is gonna

[1:11:46] happen in the third act

[1:11:47] but it's a

[1:11:47] something that's

[1:11:48] seeded a number

[1:11:49] of times

[1:11:49] and then bears

[1:11:50] fruit multiple times

[1:11:51] Similar to the best movie of all time, Big Trouble in Old China, where Jack Burton, early on in the movie, uses the phrase, it's all in the reflexes.

[1:12:01] And then later on, totally murders Lopin, spoiler alert, and says the same iconic line, all of the reflexes.

[1:12:07] Or I'd say in my candidate for best movie ever, Taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3, Martin Balsam sneezing and Walter Matthaus saying Gesundheit.

[1:12:14] And then at the end, that paying off in a hilarious take and catch him up.

[1:12:20] Probably the most hottest of takes.

[1:12:23] But when it first happens, you're not like,

[1:12:25] that's what's going to trip him up later.

[1:12:27] But as soon as he sneezes, when Walter Matthau's out of the room,

[1:12:29] you're like, uh-oh.

[1:12:30] You're like a Stuart sound effect.

[1:12:35] You're like, uh-oh.

[1:12:36] And I'll tell you, that movie also has a good example

[1:12:39] of a red herring setup,

[1:12:40] which is they know there's a police officer on the train,

[1:12:44] and they keep undercover.

[1:12:46] And for some reason, Walter Matthau gets it in his head

[1:12:48] that it must be a policewoman.

[1:12:50] And so later on, it's revealed who the police officer is.

[1:12:56] It's not a woman.

[1:12:57] He's just got long hair because it's the 70s.

[1:13:00] He's almost totally ineffective, but he gets shot and he's lying face down.

[1:13:04] And Walter Matthaus sees him and just goes, don't worry, miss, we'll get an ambulance here.

[1:13:07] And it's like this joke that's been set up way, way back.

[1:13:12] And so dumb.

[1:13:13] Like, it's not a great joke.

[1:13:15] It's pretty, but it's just what you need in that moment.

[1:13:18] and you've just seen Robert Shaw electrocute himself.

[1:13:20] Spoiler alert.

[1:13:21] You just had that movie ruined for you.

[1:13:23] But still go see it.

[1:13:24] I mean, it's not ruined.

[1:13:25] It's still a great movie.

[1:13:26] It's not like...

[1:13:27] It's a non-stop thrill ride.

[1:13:28] It's not like what Michael Bay's been doing to people's childhoods

[1:13:31] from what I hear on the internet.

[1:13:32] So this next letter is titled,

[1:13:36] Why Dan Sighs?

[1:13:37] Yeah, why is that?

[1:13:39] Hi, Floppos.

[1:13:40] I don't like that name.

[1:13:42] No, I'm not a fan.

[1:13:43] I figured it out.

[1:13:44] It makes it sound like we're, I don't know, Greek or something.

[1:13:47] I know why.

[1:13:48] Oh, that's your problem with it?

[1:13:49] I thought it sounded like we're clowns, but, you know.

[1:13:52] I figured it out.

[1:13:53] I know why Dan sighs.

[1:13:55] It's because Dan hopes for the best.

[1:13:57] Dan is brimming with optimism.

[1:13:59] Yeah, sure.

[1:13:59] Maybe this will be the episode

[1:14:01] where I can get through a whole thought uninterrupted.

[1:14:03] This is finally going to be a movie I kind of like.

[1:14:06] Today is going to be a good pronunciation day.

[1:14:09] And then reality sets in

[1:14:12] and wallops Dan with a fistful of sad,

[1:14:14] forcing a sigh from deep within him.

[1:14:16] I came to this realization when I listened to episode 155 followed by episode 50.

[1:14:21] I skip around.

[1:14:22] They both begin with Dan, excited by his persistence in podcasting, 50, and life, 155,

[1:14:28] hoping for presents from his BPF's Best Peaches Forever.

[1:14:32] And he's greeted both times and three years apart with their word-for-word same joke and no gifts.

[1:14:39] I've attached the audio cut from 51st and 155 seconds, so you can see what I mean.

[1:14:44] I can't.

[1:14:44] Fifty Shades of Dan.

[1:14:45] Audio.

[1:14:46] So, sigh on, you beautiful, stardy-eyed podcaster,

[1:14:49] and never let reality rip away that wonderful optimism of yours.

[1:14:53] Optimism?

[1:14:54] Michael, middle name withheld, Cato.

[1:14:58] Now, I would mention that Dan never goes into the movie saying,

[1:15:01] hey, this is one we might kind of like,

[1:15:02] because if that's a possibility, we don't get to watch it.

[1:15:04] Dan, like the cruel mistress he is.

[1:15:07] I'm a cruel taskmaster.

[1:15:08] Taxmaster.

[1:15:10] Cruel taxmaster.

[1:15:12] I'm a cruel taxmaster.

[1:15:14] I'm a skeleton face that does your taxes.

[1:15:16] Skeleton face

[1:15:18] So what I love is watching Dan read letters

[1:15:23] Occasionally spitting into his Jonathan Frakes beard

[1:15:25] Shut up

[1:15:26] I was going to say

[1:15:28] Now I imagine the Crypt Keeper is going to write in

[1:15:31] And say he does not appreciate us making fun of his voice

[1:15:33] And putting on skeleton face

[1:15:35] And doing these offensive ghoul routines

[1:15:37] Sure

[1:15:38] What I like is that you mispronounced appreciate

[1:15:40] And neither of us fucked with you

[1:15:43] Yeah, I appreciate that too

[1:15:44] i love this letter because of the truth the truth that it carries i am optimistic yeah and that's

[1:15:51] the problem yeah optimistic prime that's your name that's the blob i'm like fucking charlie

[1:15:55] brown with the football you like fucking charlie brown with a football this is save it for your

[1:16:03] deviant art page dude all right how many more letters we got we got one more it goes like this

[1:16:10] Let's crack this one out.

[1:16:11] Let's crack some cans.

[1:16:13] Light the tires and kick the fires.

[1:16:16] It's titled, Dan, read this letter.

[1:16:17] Buy some tires, light them on fire.

[1:16:21] Scourge the Shire.

[1:16:22] No.

[1:16:29] It has a butt in it.

[1:16:30] Dear Peaches.

[1:16:32] Dan, these letters really got to the heart of you.

[1:16:34] You're an optimist who loves butts.

[1:16:36] Quite sometime listener, first time writer.

[1:16:38] A friend of mine recommended you in the Flophouse to me

[1:16:40] when I was still listening to other bad movie podcasts.

[1:16:43] I was quickly converted and finished your entire back catalog.

[1:16:46] You can add me to a large number of people who've already written in

[1:16:49] and said you helped them get through a difficult time.

[1:16:51] Well, I'm glad we could do that.

[1:16:52] Last year was not pleasant.

[1:16:54] And just to say, honestly, it means a lot to us when people say that,

[1:16:58] and we hope that we've...

[1:16:59] This is not what we're setting out to do.

[1:17:00] In fact, we're setting out to hurt people.

[1:17:02] But if we could help anyone, then that just by being goofy,

[1:17:05] then it's very touching.

[1:17:07] very touching to us that we've been able to do that uh you might think about registering the

[1:17:11] podcast as an officially recognized antidepressant and start a medical revolution we can't keep the

[1:17:16] run wondrous reviving powers the flop house is secret forever but i also have a question for all

[1:17:22] three of you obviously the listeners know all about your taste in movies and we've heard of

[1:17:27] your favorite comics historical figures beers and dinosaurs elliot is totally right you gotta you

[1:17:35] You've got to pronounce this for me.

[1:17:37] Dionysus.

[1:17:38] Dionysus all the way.

[1:17:40] Dionysus?

[1:17:41] Dionysus is not my favorite Greek god by far.

[1:17:44] But there have only been...

[1:17:45] Dionysus, that's the Greek name.

[1:17:47] The Roman name is Bacchus, right?

[1:17:48] Not the other way around?

[1:17:49] I could be wrong.

[1:17:50] But there have only been a few hints

[1:17:53] about your respective tastes in music.

[1:17:56] Elliot seems to know a lot about metal,

[1:17:58] while Dan is more of an indie lister.

[1:18:00] Stuart knows more about metal than me.

[1:18:02] I don't know.

[1:18:02] Does Invisible Maniac have an original soundtrack?

[1:18:05] It does.

[1:18:06] It's also, yeah.

[1:18:07] So my question.

[1:18:08] Big trouble.

[1:18:09] An invisible maniac.

[1:18:11] My question.

[1:18:13] I wish that was the theme song for every movie.

[1:18:18] In terms of endearment.

[1:18:22] In Mary Poppins.

[1:18:24] In Ordinary People.

[1:18:26] The Imitation Game.

[1:18:28] Run.

[1:18:29] Run into the mystic Kramer versus Kramer.

[1:18:32] These are all appropriate.

[1:18:35] So my question, what is your favorite style of music?

[1:18:38] What's a movie without big troubles?

[1:18:39] Jesus Christ, let me just get through the end of this fucking thing.

[1:18:41] Nothing but trouble.

[1:18:42] Because we are running long.

[1:18:44] This is a very long episode.

[1:18:45] So just let me finish the email.

[1:18:47] So my question, what is your favorite style of music

[1:18:50] or your favorite artists or favorite albums?

[1:18:51] I'd be much obliged if you could give me an answer,

[1:18:53] maybe even on air.

[1:18:54] I'm sure flop fans would like to know as well.

[1:18:57] And P.S., I promised a butt.

[1:19:00] This is from Christian, last name withheld.

[1:19:02] P.S., I promised a butt,

[1:19:03] mainly to increase my chances of Dan reading this,

[1:19:05] but I don't want to disappoint pervasoid number one,

[1:19:08] so there you go.

[1:19:09] And there's an ashy butt.

[1:19:10] So it's made out of what?

[1:19:12] It's made out of punctuations.

[1:19:14] You got...

[1:19:15] How is it?

[1:19:15] You got a Y.

[1:19:16] Is that how it's pronounced, ashy?

[1:19:18] Ashy?

[1:19:18] I don't...

[1:19:19] Ashy?

[1:19:20] It's very ashy.

[1:19:21] You know.

[1:19:22] As punctuation-based butts go, it's not a bad one.

[1:19:26] Yeah, it's got a Leisure Suit Larry feel to it.

[1:19:28] Yeah.

[1:19:28] Yeah, it's not a Tiffany Shepard's pumpkin butt,

[1:19:31] but it's okay.

[1:19:32] It's been a long time since that came up.

[1:19:33] So the question, though, was...

[1:19:35] Winky emoticon.

[1:19:36] What music do we like?

[1:19:38] You know, our top bands or top albums?

[1:19:42] Yeah, yours is Talking Heads or something, right?

[1:19:43] Shut the fuck up.

[1:19:44] Wait, but let me...

[1:19:45] Let me do my thing.

[1:19:46] Okay, show up.

[1:19:46] And why don't you do your thing?

[1:19:47] How about that?

[1:19:49] I'll go real quick.

[1:19:50] You jackass.

[1:19:51] How about I go real quick first to detensify the situation.

[1:19:54] I am a big fan of metal.

[1:19:56] I used to listen to a lot of punk when I was younger,

[1:19:58] but I haven't listened to so much of that lately.

[1:20:00] But lately, because I've been putting it on while I feed my son lunch or breakfast or

[1:20:06] what have you, or dinner, I've been listening to a lot of classical music.

[1:20:08] Like Raffi?

[1:20:09] No.

[1:20:10] And rediscovering my love of, you know, Tchaikovsky and so forth.

[1:20:14] But I'll say my favorite album is still Unleashed in the East, the kind of live Judas Priest

[1:20:20] album, which much of it was done in the studio after the fact, including, I think, all of

[1:20:24] the vocals.

[1:20:24] But it's a really good album if you want to hear faster, harder versions of a lot of Judas

[1:20:29] Priest's older songs.

[1:20:30] I will say, if you want to boil me down to a genre, I like...

[1:20:37] Big butts.

[1:20:37] I cannot lie.

[1:20:39] I like all butts, I cannot lie.

[1:20:43] I like new wave, like punk new wave.

[1:20:47] My favorite five bands, if I had to run them down, would probably be The Beatles, Talking Heads, The Clash, The Replacements, and Nico Case.

[1:20:59] Those are my favorites.

[1:21:01] Stu, what do you got?

[1:21:02] Yeah, I guess, yeah, I'm a big metalhead.

[1:21:06] I listen to you a lot.

[1:21:08] Like the robot turtle, the same name.

[1:21:10] Yep.

[1:21:11] We both, me and metalhead the turtle,

[1:21:13] both like Iron Maiden, King Diamond,

[1:21:16] like mid-range carcass, 90s death metal.

[1:21:22] You're making these names up, by the way.

[1:21:25] Napalm Death.

[1:21:26] You just went to see Napalm Death recently.

[1:21:27] Yeah, I saw Napalm Death recently.

[1:21:29] They're still great.

[1:21:29] Yeah, I don't know.

[1:21:31] Still out there napalming people.

[1:21:33] All of it.

[1:21:34] Yeah, I mean, if you get napalmed,

[1:21:36] you expect to be dead afterwards.

[1:21:37] Yeah, all that kind of stuff.

[1:21:40] I think a lot of, and I should mention also

[1:21:42] something that gets left out a lot of the time

[1:21:44] when people think about me,

[1:21:44] is that I'm a big classic country fan,

[1:21:47] particularly Loretta Lynn is my favorite of all time.

[1:21:50] Okay.

[1:21:50] So I think if Loretta Lynn and Rob Halford

[1:21:53] ever made an album together,

[1:21:54] I am on line for that album.

[1:21:56] Sure.

[1:21:57] I'm waiting on line for it.

[1:21:58] wanda jackson and glenn dancing uh yeah so i hope that that tammy winette and uh and basically all

[1:22:07] metallica put something together wow if they could work with that's possible london symphony

[1:22:13] not really i i it's i think i feel like we've got like this like weird like also like vin

[1:22:20] diagram though of the flop house and that like you and i elliot share like certain like punk

[1:22:26] and New Wave stuff,

[1:22:27] and Stuart, you, and Elliot

[1:22:30] share metal stuff together.

[1:22:32] Sure, yeah.

[1:22:33] No one shares my love of Duke Ellington.

[1:22:36] And Stuart, you and I share what?

[1:22:38] A love of butts?

[1:22:40] Who's Johnny by Aldebarge?

[1:22:43] Yeah, but I think we both...

[1:22:44] I mean, we certainly love that.

[1:22:47] Man in motion?

[1:22:49] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:22:51] Yeah, like cheesy 80s stuff.

[1:22:54] Oh, clearly.

[1:22:55] Your love of Tone Loke is what connects you.

[1:22:57] So, yeah, I hope that answers your question.

[1:23:01] But now, the final and saddest segment.

[1:23:05] You know what's the last thing to do?

[1:23:06] The final segment.

[1:23:08] My dad's favorite driving song.

[1:23:12] Really?

[1:23:13] For years when I was a kid, he had Europe's album that had Final Countdown on it.

[1:23:17] He would play just that one song from the album when we were going on a driving trip somewhere.

[1:23:21] Yeah, what else is on that album?

[1:23:23] I don't know.

[1:23:24] He would stop it, rewind the tape, and then take the tape out.

[1:23:26] My dad would always play a shitload of Bob Seger,

[1:23:30] and my mom would play the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack

[1:23:35] until I started singing along to it,

[1:23:37] and then she's like, my son probably shouldn't be singing this.

[1:23:40] See, my parents just play a lot of Billy Joel.

[1:23:42] A lot of Beatles and a lot of Billy Joel.

[1:23:44] Yeah.

[1:23:44] But I grew up in the tri-state area, so what are you going to do?

[1:23:47] This is the segment where we recommend movies that we actually liked,

[1:23:52] I'm like, whatever the fuck we watched tonight.

[1:23:54] It was called Dorothy's Legends of...

[1:23:57] Rise of Dorothy, Oz, it's a legend?

[1:23:59] It's called Dr. Oz, Dorothy's Revenge.

[1:24:05] The original Kings of Oz, Dorothy style.

[1:24:08] Stu, what do you want to recommend?

[1:24:09] Dorothy Does Oz.

[1:24:10] I'm going to recommend a movie that is a remake of a movie that Dan recommended a while ago.

[1:24:18] I don't remember.

[1:24:19] I'm going to recommend the movie Sorcerer, directed by William Friedkin.

[1:24:23] It's a remake of the French movie, Wages of Fear.

[1:24:26] Correct.

[1:24:27] So what Dan said applies to Sorcerer.

[1:24:30] Only way more because it's in color.

[1:24:32] Yeah.

[1:24:33] Plus a Tangerine Dream soundtrack.

[1:24:35] It's about four guys who are desperate men who perverse their virginity in Tijuana.

[1:24:45] But their penises will explode.

[1:24:48] And they it's it's pretty great.

[1:24:50] They all end up in in a South American country that I don't remember.

[1:24:54] And they're tasked with they volunteer for a mission driving trucks through the jungle, transporting dynamite nitroglycerin.

[1:25:06] And it's super tense and super great.

[1:25:09] And there's a couple moments where there's, like, you're just watching a truck trying to go over this shitty, shoddy wooden bridge.

[1:25:19] And I'm watching this in the theater, and I'm like, no modern movie would do this.

[1:25:24] Like, no modern movie, like, the climax would be watching a truck try to make it over a bridge.

[1:25:31] And in a way, it was great because it was still super fucking tense.

[1:25:36] So, Sorcerer William Friedkin with Roy Schneider.

[1:25:40] It's Roy Schneider.

[1:25:41] Rob Schneider's dad, Roy Schneider.

[1:25:43] Roy Schneider.

[1:25:44] Yeah, the elder Bigelow, Roy Schneider.

[1:25:47] And I think Francisco Raval, or Raval, who's from one of my favorite directors in the universe,

[1:25:53] Stuart Gordon's movie, Dagon, who gets his skin totally ripped off in that movie.

[1:25:59] But not in Sorcerer.

[1:26:00] Final appearance.

[1:26:01] No, he doesn't get his skin ripped off in Sorcerer.

[1:26:02] But go watch Dagon, too, because he gets his skin ripped off.

[1:26:06] um i want to recommend a movie that i'm kind of surprised i'm recommending

[1:26:09] uh it's called legends of oz dorothy's return no i we you know uh as members of the writers

[1:26:16] guild we get a lot of screeners and i'm like ah whatever this movie i want to see this movie i

[1:26:20] don't actually want to see like uh i got braggs mcgee over no no i'm just saying like braggs

[1:26:26] i'm just saying that like i like we have the opportunity to watch movies yeah check out

[1:26:32] bragley cooper oh man like we wouldn't necessarily watch these movies like but uh recently i watched

[1:26:39] wild the reese witherspoon movie about art no not with reese witherspoon not the laura dern movie

[1:26:47] david lynch although laura dern actually is in wild too weird but um no i i'm not necessarily

[1:26:56] like usually a fan of like kind of like the vision quest school of movies like what about vision

[1:27:04] quest i've never seen it what about dreamscape uh but like these movies where like there's been

[1:27:10] something that happened in someone's life and they're gonna fix it by going on like a big trip

[1:27:15] your eats praise loves or you're into the wilds is but uh there's something about wilds that i

[1:27:23] really i think those are probably pretty different movies but they're but they're like the certainly

[1:27:27] the endings are different they are different they both involve eating they're both they're

[1:27:31] different movies but they're similar in that like there's some sort of like personal upheaval that

[1:27:35] this like the main character feels like they're gonna solve by going on like a trip on a journey

[1:27:41] on a quest yeah and a vision quest if you will like a lord of the rings and wild somehow i feel

[1:27:49] sidesteps a lot of those problems

[1:27:52] by not insisting

[1:27:54] on it that much.

[1:27:55] It's a very low-key movie.

[1:27:58] Low-key, isn't it?

[1:27:59] No kidding.

[1:28:00] It's staggering

[1:28:04] how much talk

[1:28:06] there is

[1:28:07] when I recommend a movie

[1:28:10] versus either of you two.

[1:28:12] What about

[1:28:14] Wotan?

[1:28:15] I agree, Dan. I saw Wild also

[1:28:18] and I thought it it avoid a lot of pitfalls of that type of movie partly because it just doesn't

[1:28:23] make it does not insist upon itself like it's just like this woman goes on this trip and like

[1:28:28] there are minor epiphanies and you know like you just live with her on it and it's not a big deal

[1:28:34] she has truly reached rock bottom in her life in a way that justifies a dramatic break uh in the

[1:28:41] person she was in the person she will be but also yeah it's not a movie that is trying to get you to

[1:28:46] wish you were on the trip with that person right which a lot of those are where the you are supposed

[1:28:51] to be living vicariously through this person's experiences this is your you're with this person

[1:28:56] on their trip but you're never supposed to be like oh if only i could be there doing right and

[1:29:00] you're also like you're you're sympathetic with her because like you're a human being who has

[1:29:05] empathy for other human beings but you're not but the movie does not insist that you're like

[1:29:10] supposed to like

[1:29:11] believe in this woman as like

[1:29:14] some sort of paragon of anything

[1:29:16] she's not a saint yeah you're like she's

[1:29:18] a fucked up lady who like is

[1:29:20] doing this thing to like help herself

[1:29:22] and it's interesting to watch

[1:29:24] that happen and she and what

[1:29:26] she goes through is truly arduous and not to

[1:29:28] undercut your recommendation but why do you think

[1:29:30] that the majority of

[1:29:32] like critical reception kind

[1:29:34] of passing by like why do you think

[1:29:36] uh I

[1:29:38] yeah I don't know not very good reviews

[1:29:39] it got good reviews I just think that like for whatever

[1:29:42] reason the promotion like the

[1:29:44] advertising for it just

[1:29:45] failed it like and

[1:29:48] I honestly don't remember seeing any ads

[1:29:50] yeah I did not see it Nick

[1:29:51] Hornby did the adaptation

[1:29:54] for it yeah he wrote the script and

[1:29:56] I think that's why Hugh Grant is in it

[1:29:58] but I think

[1:29:59] I think that that probably helped

[1:30:02] it though because like I feel like it has a certain like

[1:30:04] low-key like charm

[1:30:06] and wit that a lot of these types

[1:30:08] of movies don't have

[1:30:09] uh so there's not even if you think it's not the kind of movie for you

[1:30:15] i think that you might enjoy a while yeah it's worth watching

[1:30:17] i'm gonna recommend a different movie about people on the run from their past and on an

[1:30:24] arduous quest and that's a movie that is a pretty goofy movie but not as goofy it's called the

[1:30:30] goofy movie a goofy movie uh which is i which is the movie logan's run now uh when i was when i

[1:30:37] was a kid i saw logan's run and i think i saw that's dave foley's character in news radio's

[1:30:42] favorite movie yeah well it's not my favorite movie but when i was a kid i saw it and i must

[1:30:46] have seen like an edited for tv version of it and thought that that was it and i watched it again

[1:30:51] recently and you're like jimmy agutter is totally new ball well that's part of it but uh and it's

[1:30:56] way more appropriate for me to like that than it was in walkabout when she was 16 but uh there's

[1:31:01] something about it that it is very goofy it's a goofy movie partly mainly because the 70s fashions

[1:31:07] But at the same time, there's a lot of stuff in it that is genuinely troubling, and there are a lot of scenes in it that, as an adult, I found much more effective and disturbing than when I was a kid.

[1:31:19] Yeah, because you're over 30 now.

[1:31:21] Well, maybe that's part of it.

[1:31:22] There's silly stuff in it, but there's the scene—

[1:31:24] Like silly strength, but is there goofy stuff in it?

[1:31:26] But there's something – I found it interesting to watch it as like this weird last gasp of a certain type of science fiction movie because the special effects in it are not very good.

[1:31:37] But this is one year before Star Wars came out.

[1:31:41] And so it's like watching this movie and putting myself in the mindset of someone who this is as good as science fiction is going to get as far as I'm concerned as a science fiction fan in 1976.

[1:31:51] It's a silly movie, but it's trying to deal with some kind of ideas about society.

[1:31:56] There's some scenes in it that are genuinely either disturbing or frightening or exciting,

[1:32:01] but it still looks kind of crappy.

[1:32:03] And not knowing that just around the corner is this movie that is not in any way disturbing.

[1:32:07] It's just a great adventure movie, but looks a lot better.

[1:32:10] But looking at it through the lens of science fiction of 1976, I actually enjoyed it a lot.

[1:32:16] There's a lot of stuff in it that goes on too long.

[1:32:19] There's stuff in it that's silly, that doesn't make sense.

[1:32:22] The acting in it is not the best.

[1:32:24] There's a lot of things.

[1:32:25] It's kind of like Westworld.

[1:32:26] Kind of.

[1:32:27] I mean, which is a movie I love.

[1:32:28] But, like, it's a movie that is very much of its time but is, I found, I found really enjoyable to watch.

[1:32:34] No, I agree in that, like, I feel like there's something really charming about watching a science fiction movie that is as much about the time it was made in as the time it purports to be about.

[1:32:48] Well, like, this is, this is.

[1:32:49] Yeah, I mean, I feel that way when I read, like, older science fiction, too.

[1:32:53] Yeah, I read a lot of, like, 50s and 60s science fiction.

[1:32:57] Like, Stars My Destination and stuff.

[1:32:58] Exactly, and it's like the, yeah, Bester stuff especially.

[1:33:02] It's, like, about the things that were going on then.

[1:33:04] So, like, Logan's run as a movie by, made by aging studio executives about their fears that the world is too obsessed with youth is an interesting thing.

[1:33:15] Like, I kept thinking, like, all the stars are young in this, but the people who made the movie were not young, I assume.

[1:33:21] They're all, like, old pros.

[1:33:23] And, like, what was it like to make this movie about a world where everybody is under 30 and no one can live longer than that?

[1:33:30] Like, people were worried that they were getting, maybe that this youth culture was going to drive them out.

[1:33:34] Like, there's a lot of...

[1:33:35] It's like that Just In Time movie we watch.

[1:33:37] Not exactly.

[1:33:39] Hamburger, steak, etc.

[1:33:41] We're worried about how those beetle boots are going to, like, ruin everyone's lives.

[1:33:45] And all the mini skirts.

[1:33:46] Once you can get past the truly horrendous special effects in the explosion scenes,

[1:33:51] where they're literally just optical-processed explosion fireworks on top of the shots,

[1:33:57] then there's a lot of neat stuff in it.

[1:34:00] But yeah, it's a silly movie.

[1:34:01] You've got to watch it half laughing.

[1:34:03] It's got a rainbow on the poster.

[1:34:07] One foot on the beach, basically, is what you're saying.

[1:34:10] Yeah, yeah, and keep reaching for the stars.

[1:34:13] So, somehow this has become the longest episode ever.

[1:34:16] Well, you know, when you're...

[1:34:18] If you made it this far, you get a merit badge.

[1:34:20] You get gold like...

[1:34:21] The legend of Oz continues to return.

[1:34:24] Oz is the legend of Curly's gold.

[1:34:25] They're not all going to be like this, people.

[1:34:27] Baby, the last Oz dinosaur.

[1:34:29] Yeah, how did it get so long, Dan?

[1:34:32] I don't know.

[1:34:32] Magic?

[1:34:34] That's probably it, yeah.

[1:34:36] Oz magic?

[1:34:37] The Gathering.

[1:34:38] Wow.

[1:34:39] Somebody tapped a shitload of land cards.

[1:34:42] Some fan tapped a bunch of forest manna

[1:34:45] and suddenly we found the power to do a long episode.

[1:34:48] So we should sign off.

[1:34:50] But for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:34:52] Hey, I've been Stuart Wellingtown.

[1:34:54] The next episode, Elliot Kalin Promises, will be shorter.

[1:34:57] Good night, everyone.

[1:34:58] Slammin' Salmon.

[1:35:04] Has anyone ever seen that movie?

[1:35:08] Like, I mean, in the history of the world.

[1:35:11] Oh, okay.

[1:35:12] Like, did that...

[1:35:13] Maybe Elliot.

[1:35:14] No, no.

[1:35:15] Slammin' Salmon.

[1:35:17] Did that make any dollars?

[1:35:20] You're a big...

[1:35:22] Yeah, people...

[1:35:25] There's some people who really like that shit.

[1:35:26] I'm not saying that, like...

[1:35:27] I'm not saying that...

[1:35:28] Look, I'm not saying that Broken Lizard hasn't done some fine work.

[1:35:30] I'm saying, has anyone seen the Slammin' Salmon?

[1:35:34] Somebody has seen it.

[1:35:35] I mean, sure, the editor, when he was working on it, saw it.

[1:35:37] Sure.

[1:35:37] Whoever did the color correction.

[1:35:39] You know, they had to pluck his eyes out first.

[1:35:42] Like, Jay Chandraskar has become a very great television comedy director.

[1:35:48] I'm not casting a spursion.

[1:35:50] I'm just saying.

[1:35:51] Yeah.

[1:35:51] I'm just, I don't believe that anyone's seen Slammin'.

[1:35:54] I was talking to a woman who was.

[1:35:56] Seems like a weird, this is a weird conspiracy for you to try to unlock.

[1:35:59] It's a weird place for me to, like, dig in, you think?

[1:36:02] Like, a weird place for me to plant my flag.

[1:36:04] Yeah, this is your hill to die on.

[1:36:05] Yeah.

[1:36:06] Where an armies of broken lizard devotees come and try and take the hill from you.

[1:36:12] Again, not saying, like, talented guys, not saying anything against them.

[1:36:14] I was talking to a woman who was an extra on Beer Fest.

[1:36:18] Uh-huh.

[1:36:18] And she was complaining that she didn't know what was worse,

[1:36:22] either the constant pressure to have her take her top off in the scenes

[1:36:27] or the fact that she had to sit around drinking lukewarm, non-alcoholic beer.

[1:36:31] Uh-huh.

[1:36:31] Wait, so what was the problem?

[1:36:34] The salmon wasn't slamming.

[1:36:38] If those things were not the problem, wait, you're saying those were the problem?

[1:36:40] Those were the problem.

[1:36:41] Oh, okay, that makes sense.

[1:36:42] And she was complaining about how the slamming salmon doesn't exist

[1:36:47] and nobody's ever seen it.

[1:36:48] Yeah, it's weird, right?

[1:36:49] What is the slamming salmon?

[1:36:52] It's a salmon that's slamming.

[1:36:53] What's not to understand about that?

[1:36:56] It's in the title.

[1:36:57] Is it like you go to a restaurant and you're like,

[1:36:59] please, try the salmon.

[1:37:01] It's slamming.

[1:37:02] It's slamming.

[1:37:02] I have a question, Dan.

[1:37:04] Did we watch the movie Slammin' Salmon today?

[1:37:06] Because why are we talking about it?

[1:37:07] We did not.

[1:37:08] Because it's stuck in my head.

[1:37:10] it's one of those it's one of those movies that i've never seen and never will see but the title

[1:37:17] will stay in my head forever okay like uh like those magnificent men and their flying machines

[1:37:23] yeah or uh that what was that fucking uh bingo longs traveling all-stars or something like that

[1:37:30] hi everybody i'm justin mcelroy i'm travis mcelroy i'm griffin mcelroy and we host the

[1:37:36] first podcast ever made my brother my brother made every monday we put out the first ever advice

[1:37:41] comedy podcast ever they found our podcast on dead sea scrolls we're the homerabi code of podcasts

[1:37:47] and we're ready to entertain you with jokes so we invented the first jokes so join us every monday

[1:37:52] on maximumfund.org you'll never crack our code dan brown just try me it's history in the making

[1:37:57] and in the fake and it's all yours for the take

[1:38:06] Just say, hey, I wanna be with you

Episode #172 - Dorothy's Return

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