Episode #172 - Dorothy's Return

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode, we discuss Legends of Oz, colon, Dorothy's Return, colon, The Quickening.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:37] Hey there, I'm Stuart Wellington. Wait, start over.

[0:41] No, hi, I'm Ellie Kalen.

Elliott Kalan

[0:43] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] Stuart, were you coming on to the listener and then you thought better of it?

Dan McCoy

[0:47] No, I'm just kidding, unless you're into it, in which case I'm totally not kidding.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] It's like I got close and she turned around and she's a zombie.

[0:55] And I'm like, no thanks, ma'am. I'm not into it.

[0:58] You're still going to introduce yourself.

[1:00] Yeah, and I'm still going to call her ma'am.

[1:01] You're polite.

[1:02] You're not rude, yeah.

[1:03] Yeah, exactly.

Dan McCoy

[1:03] You're just not interested in that.

[1:06] Why are you saying it like that's weird?

[1:08] I don't know.

[1:09] I mean, like, part of me is like, that's prejudiced.

[1:12] Part of me is like, yeah, you don't want to ask a zombie after a date.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16] I mean, unless they're into it.

[1:17] Like, it's a joke, but unless they're into it.

[1:19] We should totally go out with those zombies as a joke.

Stuart Wellington

[1:22] Yeah, I think it's time for a little bit of housekeeping up front, guys.

[1:26] Flop housekeeping.

[1:27] So if you send a letter in responding to Radio Zork, we haven't gotten to them yet.

[1:32] Maybe by the end of the hour, we'll figure it out.

Dan McCoy

[1:34] I do not know whether you want to open the door or you don't want to open the door.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37] We're just at, if you're using the key on the lock.

[1:40] That's true.

[1:40] We're not.

Stuart Wellington

[1:41] Or do you choose to wait for another visitor to arrive?

[1:45] Or you might choose to just lick the lock.

[1:46] We don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:47] Maybe you should.

[1:48] Try to rust it.

[1:49] Maybe you just want to stare at that door for a while.

[1:51] Maybe you just really like doors.

Elliott Kalan

[1:52] Yeah, maybe you're into doors.

[1:53] Like doors goes fishing.

Dan McCoy

[1:55] Maybe this is like a Bridges of Madison County situation, and you're just going around photographing

[2:00] scenic old doors.

[2:01] People do that.

[2:02] Yeah.

[2:03] People do that.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] What if you're a door mouse?

[2:06] A mouse who loves doors for sex.

[2:09] Wait, is that what they are?

[2:10] You read Alice in Wonderland, right?

[2:12] Yes.

[2:15] So we watched the sequel to Alice in Wonderland tonight.

[2:17] We did not at all do that.

[2:19] First off.

Dan McCoy

[2:20] Chris, first off, Waltz.

[2:23] This is a podcast.

[2:25] I know that you know this already.

[2:27] If you've downloaded it.

Elliott Kalan

[2:28] Not if someone has tied you up and blindfolded you and you're just hearing this, you might

[2:31] think we're in the room with you.

[2:33] But we're not.

[2:34] It depends on how good their sound system is.

Dan McCoy

[2:36] Don't panic.

[2:36] There's only one person in the room with you.

[2:38] You're kidnapped.

Elliott Kalan

[2:40] If they're there.

[2:40] In which case you should panic.

[2:41] They might have turned the podcast on to entertain you while they went to the store.

Stuart Wellington

[2:46] To confuse you.

[2:47] To get more lotion to put in the basket.

[2:49] Now, pop your thumb out of its socket.

[2:53] Okay.

[2:53] Wiggling your hand out of your restraints.

[2:55] Yeah.

[2:56] Okay.

[2:56] Now grab that box cutter you have jammed into your ankle.

Dan McCoy

[3:00] We'll continue with more tips on how to escape your kidnapper as the podcast goes on.

[3:06] Yeah.

[3:06] But for now, we just want to explain.

[3:08] This is a podcast where we watch bad movies.

[3:09] Are there any clearly marked exits?

Stuart Wellington

[3:11] Because those are the doors you're going to want to take.

[3:13] This is not a bit.

[3:15] I know you're asking yourself that because you've heard this podcast before.

[3:18] But then they'd know it was a podcast.

[3:21] Yeah.

[3:21] It's all funny.

[3:22] They thought the earlier episodes were podcasts and this might be a live taping that they're

[3:25] at.

[3:25] They arrived at somehow.

[3:27] Yeah.

[3:29] Point is.

[3:29] It's like something where you're kidnapped and they put you in front of a live audience

[3:32] because the kidnapper gets off on the thrill of having their kidnapee in front of like

[3:36] a bunch of people who could possibly save them.

[3:38] I see.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] Like Dario Argento's opera.

[3:41] Oh, I thought you were talking about that Diane Lane movie that we watched.

[3:45] Uncatchable or whatever it was called.

[3:46] Uncatchable.

[3:47] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] Uncatchable.

[3:49] That's a good name for a parody movie.

[3:51] Uncatchable.

Dan McCoy

[3:51] That's the villain of Catch That Kid.

[3:54] Those fears.coms.

Elliott Kalan

[3:56] It was untraceable, I think.

[3:57] Yeah.

[3:57] All right.

[3:58] So.

[3:59] Uncatchable.

[4:01] There's a bad guy.

[4:02] The baddest guy in all the world.

Dan McCoy

[4:04] And the bad news about him is he's uncatchable.

Elliott Kalan

[4:06] He's been categorized as uncatchable.

Dan McCoy

[4:09] Interpol has called him uncatchable.

Elliott Kalan

[4:11] Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[4:12] My name's Mick Gorin.

[4:14] I'm the leader of the Catchables.

[4:16] A secret international police squad tasked with catching the worst criminals of all.

[4:21] The codename, Uncatchables.

[4:23] Have we caught that kid?

[4:24] Yes, we have.

[4:25] Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[4:26] Your mission, if you choose to catch it.

[4:29] The common cold.

Dan McCoy

[4:31] I mean, that's not that hard.

[4:32] No, it's pretty easy to catch.

[4:34] Starting out easy.

[4:35] That's like a training thing.

Stuart Wellington

[4:37] Starting out easy.

Dan McCoy

[4:39] Boosting confidence in catching things.

[4:41] And then later on, you catch the uncatchable.

Stuart Wellington

[4:43] Yeah, you got to start with, it's like a starter parkour.

[4:46] You start with small jumps.

[4:47] Just little jumps.

[4:48] What, like just hopping?

[4:50] Yeah, you like hop onto a rock.

[4:51] You hop on one foot.

[4:52] Yeah, you don't want to do big jumps right away.

[4:54] Starter parkour.

[4:55] Your legs will be ripped off or something.

Elliott Kalan

[4:58] You're jumping into a shark's mouth.

[5:01] It's classic parkour moves.

[5:02] I like starter parkour moves.

[5:03] Parkour is when the James Bond movies are really running out of names for characters.

[5:08] I think.

[5:08] He is your partner.

Stuart Wellington

[5:11] There's a YouTube series out there about like introducing people to parkour.

[5:15] And it's like the first couple steps are, you know, like little jumps.

Dan McCoy

[5:19] See, I thought that you were like, I was just imagining that there was like a starter parkour

[5:23] set.

[5:24] And you buy it from Amazon.

[5:26] And it's just like shoes.

[5:27] And it's just like a fire hydrant.

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] It's just a step.

[5:30] It's a Nerf fire hydrant.

[5:32] You're not going to get a lot of give on that fire hydrant.

[5:34] It's a map of, I don't know, like Paris or something.

[5:37] It's what it is.

[5:38] It's a collection of family circus comic strips where little Billy is running around town.

Dan McCoy

[5:42] Because he invented parkour.

[5:43] It was Jeffy who did that.

[5:45] I don't give a shit.

[5:46] God damn it, Elliot.

[5:47] All our credibility is out the window now.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] They're all the same kid.

[5:50] Oh, I know it was not me.

[5:51] They're all the same kid.

[5:52] And I'm not so sure it was Jeffy.

[5:54] It was Jeffy.

[5:55] I think both of them took around the bout circuitous roots.

[5:59] Billy's the oldest one.

[6:01] I know he takes over the comic strip sometimes.

Dan McCoy

[6:03] Jeffy's the one who runs around.

[6:05] Who's the new kid?

[6:07] PJ's the little kid.

[6:07] Who's the girl?

[6:08] And the girl is...

[6:10] Girl circus.

[6:12] Oh, man.

[6:12] Together there.

[6:13] The catchables.

Elliott Kalan

[6:14] Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

[6:17] In order to catch this criminal, we're going to need an uncatchable kid.

[6:21] Get us little Jeffy or Billy or whoever the shit it is.

[6:25] Anyway, so that started...

[6:26] I mean, he's very catchable because you just follow that little line around.

[6:29] But he invented parkour.

[6:30] He's jumping over branches.

[6:31] He's underneath dog houses.

[6:32] What to call Slylock Fox out of retirement?

[6:36] And Max Mouse?

[6:37] No, he said he...

[6:38] That's why he retired.

[6:40] Yeah, because he couldn't solve the murder of Max Mouse.

[6:43] That's been tormenting him ever since.

[6:44] When he found Max Mouse's empty skin hanging on a coat hook at his house.

[6:49] Untold stories of the comic book...

[6:51] Comics page.

Dan McCoy

[6:53] Oh, Slylock Fox.

[6:56] What?

[6:57] Oh, Wiley Weasel or whatever your fucking name is.

[7:00] Will you ever win?

Elliott Kalan

[7:01] Yeah.

[7:02] I mean, Slylock Fox was at the height, too, because he had just solved the case of Mr.

[7:06] Lockhorn murdering Mrs. Lockhorn?

[7:07] Sure.

[7:08] Well, what if Rose wasn't Rose?

Dan McCoy

[7:15] He solved the mystery of what makes Fred Bassett funny.

[7:18] Turns out it's nothing.

[7:21] And when he caught Marmaduke running that prostitute, right?

[7:23] Sure.

[7:24] So, the point is, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[7:28] That's what's podcast.

[7:28] Why would you harm a Duke?

Stuart Wellington

[7:31] That's Marmaduke pleading for his life.

[7:33] Yeah.

[7:34] And Slylock Fox just shoots him.

[7:35] He's like, you can talk?

Elliott Kalan

[7:37] All this time, you could talk and you understood that we didn't want you on that chair?

Dan McCoy

[7:42] This is Howard Huge all over again.

[7:45] Howard Huge.

[7:47] Famous recluse dog.

Elliott Kalan

[7:50] Yeah, he's a dog with tissue boxes on his feet collecting his urine in jars.

Dan McCoy

[7:54] He would urinate on things to show his dominance over that area, but he would save the urine.

Elliott Kalan

[7:59] Yeah, he'd save the carpet samples of the top floor penthouse of his Las Vegas hotel.

[8:04] Anyway.

[8:05] So, we're a podcast that watches a bad movie and then we talk about it, right?

[8:09] And tonight we watched, what was it called?

Dan McCoy

[8:11] Legends of Oz, Dorothy's Return.

[8:13] The Revenge of Dorothy.

Stuart Wellington

[8:15] Oz, it's a legend?

Dan McCoy

[8:17] I think it was called...

[8:18] Dorothy 2, Two Shades of Blue.

Elliott Kalan

[8:20] I think it was called Dorothy's Back.

[8:22] Watch out, suck ass.

[8:24] Legends of Oz.

[8:25] It was called Legends of Oz colon Dorothy's Return.

[8:28] Okay.

[8:28] Now, the implication is...

[8:30] Which sounds like Dorothy is like the villain.

[8:32] Yeah.

[8:32] Oz is, well, maybe Dorothy came back

[8:34] and wanted to build a bunch of condos in places

[8:37] and the Tin Man had to breakdance or something.

[8:39] Tear down all the bikini car washes in Oz.

[8:41] All of the...

Stuart Wellington

[8:42] Tear them down.

Elliott Kalan

[8:46] All those mom and pop bikini car washes.

[8:48] I gotta say, most of the time, most of the time the bikinis get torn off pretty easily.

[8:52] It's not hard to tear down one of those car washes.

[8:54] Yeah.

[8:55] So, uh...

[8:56] It has the same structural integrity as the bikini.

[8:58] Now, we had a big debate over whether we should watch this because I had trouble believing

[9:01] it was released in movie theaters.

[9:03] But apparently it was.

[9:04] And it's got a lot of big name stars.

Stuart Wellington

[9:06] To a whopping, like, $3 million opening weekend, right?

Elliott Kalan

[9:09] Look, I just...

[9:09] Total box office porn on Wikipedia was $18 million.

Dan McCoy

[9:11] I just wanted to run this down for you guys.

[9:14] Now, imagine there was a movie.

[9:16] Imagine there was a movie that starred Lea Michele.

[9:18] Should we close our eyes?

[9:19] Now, who's Lea Michele?

[9:21] She's on Glee, but she also was a big star from Spring Awakening on Broadway.

[9:25] Oh, then I must have seen her in that because I saw that.

Elliott Kalan

[9:26] Oh, so we once again have an actor in the film that I saw on the stage.

[9:31] Damn it.

[9:31] Now, Spring Awakening...

[9:31] Treading the boards.

[9:34] Tripping the lights dramatic in a musical adaptation of a German drama.

[9:40] No, but imagine...

Dan McCoy

[9:41] Strong Awakening.

[9:42] No.

[9:44] Imagine there was a movie with her.

[9:45] It also has Dan Aykroyd, Kelsey Grammer.

[9:48] Oh, a huge star like Danny Aykroyd?

[9:50] No, Dan Aykroyd.

[9:51] Huge stars like Jim Belushi.

[9:54] Let's just let me...

[9:54] James Belushi.

[9:54] But let me run it down.

[9:56] You got Dan Aykroyd, you got Kelsey Grammer, Martin Short, Hugh Dancy.

[9:59] Jim Belushi.

[10:00] Oliver Platt.

[10:01] Patrick Stewart.

[10:02] Brian fucking Blessed.

[10:05] Bernie Peters.

[10:06] Bernie Peters.

[10:07] Tom Kenny.

[10:08] You would think...

[10:08] Martin Short.

[10:09] Did you mention Martin Short?

[10:10] I did.

Elliott Kalan

[10:11] Because he's in it too.

[10:12] You would think this was a wonderful, magical movie.

[10:14] No.

[10:15] You would think it was a movie that had a lot of money to spend, and you'd be right, apparently.

[10:19] But you'd say, okay...

[10:20] That's an impressive roster.

[10:21] It is an impressive cast.

[10:23] It's at food fight levels of impressiveness.

Dan McCoy

[10:25] No, it's beyond that.

[10:26] There are no stars in heaven, so they're all in Legends of Oz.

[10:30] This is Brian Blessed.

[10:32] And Patrick Stewart in it.

[10:33] This has noted Shakespearean actors.

[10:35] Yeah, because if there's anything we know about British Shakespearean actors, it's the only

Elliott Kalan

[10:38] make good movies.

[10:40] Never do they take a paycheck to do some crap.

[10:42] I will say this, though.

[10:44] The actors in this movie, for the most part, except for Bernie Peters, really do their...

[10:50] I don't know why you gotta call her that.

[10:51] I like it.

[10:52] Okay, Daddy Pete.

[10:53] Okay.

[10:53] Sure.

[10:54] Bernadette Peters is the one person who is clearly not trying.

[10:57] Everybody else puts a surprising amount of effort into their roles.

Stuart Wellington

[11:00] Yeah, they are really selling this material.

[11:02] They're really selling it.

Stuart Wellington

[11:02] This material.

Dan McCoy

[11:03] Martin Short has like three songs.

Stuart Wellington

[11:05] Yeah.

[11:05] And he's belting it.

[11:06] Oliver Platt as Owlerver Fat.

[11:10] His name...

[11:11] He's a fat owl.

[11:12] He plays a fat owl.

[11:13] Now...

[11:13] But at one point he sings a song in like a weird Jamaican accent.

Dan McCoy

[11:16] Kind of.

[11:17] Like, Brian Blessed is a jawbreaker headed judge, and he is easily the high point of this movie.

[11:22] He is selling the shit out of it.

Elliott Kalan

[11:25] You're saying it's not Patrick Stewart as a talking tree has been turned into a boat telling

[11:29] a bird, sing a song for me.

[11:31] That is an amazing moment that I hope that we can come back to.

[11:35] So, let's talk about what this movie is, okay?

[11:37] So, we all are familiar with the movie The Wizard of Oz.

[11:40] It is, in my opinion...

[11:42] It's about a wizard in Oz.

[11:43] About as perfect as a family movie can be.

[11:47] Like, that's just my opinion.

[11:49] Let me go out on a limb here and say The Wizard of Oz is a national treasure.

Dan McCoy

[11:52] Let me go out on a limb here and say Citizen Kane is a pretty good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[11:55] But like...

[11:56] He said family movie.

[11:57] Would you say Citizen Kane's a family movie?

Dan McCoy

[11:58] I'm not arguing that.

[11:59] If it's my family, then yes.

Stuart Wellington

[12:01] Sammy loved it.

Dan McCoy

[12:02] He loves that monologue about the girl with the white dress.

Elliott Kalan

[12:06] Oh, he found it heartbreaking.

[12:08] He thought Joseph Cotton was not too hammy as the older version of Leland.

[12:13] Now, Wizard of Oz, let's just state it outright.

[12:17] You guys, I'm sure, love it.

[12:18] I personally have a great deal of love for it.

[12:20] It's a beautiful movie.

[12:21] It's a gorgeous movie.

[12:23] It leaves me in tears every time.

[12:25] Not even like that it's sad or even because of the movie.

[12:28] Just how kind of like flawless to me that movie is for the most part.

[12:31] And you're saying this movie surpassed it in every way.

[12:34] I'm saying there's a new champion of Oz.

Stuart Wellington

[12:37] Well, you're not left unmoved because you know deep down that it required a sequel.

Elliott Kalan

[12:42] Yeah, well, that's the thing is I'm like...

[12:44] You're like, what about the return?

[12:45] I'm like the one flaw of this movie is it leaves the story too open-ended.

Stuart Wellington

[12:50] What if...

[12:50] Like, what's with all these movies and their trilogies?

[12:53] Am I right?

[12:54] Am I right, folks?

[12:55] Is this thing on?

[12:56] This guy knows what I'm talking about.

[12:58] Straighten necktie.

[12:59] Yeah.

[13:00] But so anyway...

[13:00] Wipe down your hair part.

Elliott Kalan

[13:01] I will say that I...

[13:02] Wipe down your hair part.

Dan McCoy

[13:04] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[13:05] Oh, my hair part's too greasy.

[13:07] I gotta wipe it down.

[13:08] So going into this movie...

[13:09] Gotta dab it with a fucking towelette.

Elliott Kalan

[13:11] Going into this movie, which is an animated sequel to The Wizard of Oz based on a book written

[13:15] by the great-grandson of the author of the original Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

[13:20] Mm-hmm.

[13:20] The...

[13:21] I go into it...

Stuart Wellington

[13:22] One can only assume that he unearthed like a vault that had the like specks of this story

[13:27] and he turned him into a novel.

[13:29] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[13:30] It was all based on the original...

[13:31] Or like he summoned up the spirit of his dad using dread necromancy and then he had his

[13:36] dad's dad summoned as well.

[13:38] So he had multiple ghosts summoning each other.

Elliott Kalan

[13:39] Multiple generations of Oz writing Baums.

Stuart Wellington

[13:42] Like a Russian doll of necromantic ghost summoning.

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] But it's kind of like...

[13:46] I have to assume the Baum family is kind of like the Herbert family.

[13:49] And then it was like Frank Herbert wrote Dune and then a bunch of Dune books.

[13:52] And then the family was like, uh, just because he died doesn't mean we got to jump off the

[13:56] Dune money train.

Stuart Wellington

[13:57] The spice is life, bro.

Elliott Kalan

[13:58] Come on, let's pump out some more Dune books.

[14:01] Or like...

[14:01] These still suits aren't going to pay for themselves.

[14:03] Or like Christopher Tolkien where it's like...

[14:05] I don't know what law it is that says if your dad or ancestor wrote fantasy or science fiction

[14:09] books, you got to keep it going.

[14:11] Like it gives you license.

[14:12] The way that like...

[14:13] I have to assume that like Ernest Hemingway's kids were never like, hey, what if the sun also

[14:19] rose again?

[14:20] What if they said hello again to arms?

Stuart Wellington

[14:24] What about two old men in the sea?

Elliott Kalan

[14:27] There's a lot of fish in that sea.

[14:29] Something's got to be bigger.

[14:31] There's a lot of old men out there.

[14:32] Like there's something about fantasy series that...

[14:35] Or it's like how...

[14:37] And the idea that this continues in the bloodline, I guess, like midichlorians or something.

[14:42] The same way that the movie version of War of the World...

[14:45] Of the Time Machine.

[14:46] Not World of the World.

[14:47] The movie version of the Time Machine that Guy Pearce was in was directed by like the grandson

[14:51] of H.G.

[14:51] Wells.

[14:52] As if he had...

[14:53] Because he has Wells blood in him.

[14:55] He knows the story better than anyone else.

[14:57] Anyway.

Dan McCoy

[14:58] He was going back to that Wells.

[15:01] Guys.

[15:03] He went back...

Elliott Kalan

[15:05] Is it possible to fire you, Dan, and still have you run all the equipment and put the

[15:11] show up online?

[15:12] It's possible.

[15:14] Anything's possible in Oz.

[15:16] So speaking of Oz.

[15:17] So this is a...

[15:18] It's based on a book, which is true.

[15:19] But it's the sequel story.

[15:22] So in the land...

Stuart Wellington

[15:23] A squequel.

[15:24] So after 20 minutes of credits...

Elliott Kalan

[15:26] There's a lot of opening credits because kids love opening credits.

[15:29] And didn't you say that each of the songs would have like an individual credit?

[15:32] Each song in the movie, and there are like five of them, gets an individual on-screen

[15:36] credit with the person who wrote that song.

[15:38] One of them was written by Brian Adams.

[15:40] The rest, I didn't recognize the names of the songwriters.

[15:42] But it's a long credit sequence.

[15:43] There's two directors credited.

[15:45] They each get their own title.

[15:47] It doesn't say directed by so-and-so and so-and-so.

[15:49] It's directed by this guy.

[15:51] That flies off screen.

[15:52] Directed by this guy.

Dan McCoy

[15:53] I wonder whether the two or three scenes that I really actually enjoyed a lot were directed

[15:58] by one guy.

[15:59] And then they're like, oh, this guy's too good.

[16:01] We gotta fire him off this project.

[16:03] That's probably what happened.

[16:04] And they gotta be in for the shitty stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[16:05] That's probably exactly.

[16:06] Let's bring in the shitty guy.

[16:07] So it's a sequel.

[16:09] So you know, the Emerald City, we left it last time with Scarecrow's run in the place,

[16:13] as he is in some of the later Oz books.

[16:15] The Tin Woodsman's there.

[16:17] The Lion is there.

[16:18] You got Dan Aykroyd as the Scarecrow.

[16:20] You got Kelsey Grammer as the Tin Woodsman.

[16:22] You got Jim Belushi as the Lion.

[16:23] As the Lion.

[16:24] And let me tell you.

[16:24] Channeling a great John Goodman.

[16:26] None of them do the voices of the characters in the movie, which is the original movie, which

[16:30] is fine.

[16:31] But they're still doing silly voices.

[16:32] Except for Kelsey Grammer, who just kind of sounds like himself.

Stuart Wellington

[16:35] He sounds like Frasier Crane.

Elliott Kalan

[16:37] Yeah.

[16:37] Or Sideshow Bob.

[16:38] Or Sideshow Bob.

[16:40] It's the same voice every time.

[16:42] Yeah.

[16:42] He sounds like his most famous role, the captain in Down Periscope.

[16:46] Not Up Periscope.

[16:47] I got the direction wrong.

Stuart Wellington

[16:50] Something that Kelsey Grammer notoriously never does.

[16:52] Yes.

Elliott Kalan

[16:53] He always knows which way a Periscope can go.

[16:56] The whole time I'm listening to this, I'm like, why is Boss running around talking about

[17:00] how he has a heart now?

[17:01] You know, from the hit show Boss starring Kelsey Grammer.

Stuart Wellington

[17:04] Yep, because you watch it blindfolded.

[17:06] You're like, who's kidnapped me?

Dan McCoy

[17:09] We kidnapped you to watch this shitty movie.

[17:11] Why is one half of that Kelsey Grammer Martin Lawrence project doing the voice for this?

[17:16] What was that?

[17:18] It was one of those shows.

[17:19] Are they like TV lawyers?

[17:21] I feel like it was one of those shows that was on that Tyler Perry's head of the family

[17:27] or whatever the fuck.

[17:28] Wait a minute.

[17:29] Hold on a second.

Elliott Kalan

[17:32] It was Medea's head of the family reunion.

Dan McCoy

[17:34] It was on that same idea, though.

[17:36] They were going to just do 100 episodes of it really fast.

[17:40] Oh, like anger management or something?

[17:42] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[17:42] Well, Kelsey Grammer might have been the producer on that.

[17:44] He's produced a couple of black actors, shows that are for an African-American audience.

[17:50] Yeah.

[17:51] There's that one that's called Girlfriends or something like that that Kelsey Grammer is

[17:55] the executive producer on.

Dan McCoy

[17:56] You'd think, though, that after Cheers and Frasier, you wouldn't have run through all

[18:00] that money already that he has to do.

[18:02] What are you talking about?

[18:03] Run through the money?

[18:04] Well, no, but to do one of those 100-episode cash-in type projects.

Elliott Kalan

[18:08] One, he was probably the producer, in which case he'd make a lot of money.

[18:11] And two, this is a man with some serious chemical addiction problems, and he has lost a lot

[18:15] of money over the years.

[18:17] That's true.

[18:17] But anyway, Kelsey Grammer is barely in the movie, so I don't know why we're talking about

[18:21] it so much.

Dan McCoy

[18:22] Apparently, we're just like, come at us, Kelsey Grammer.

[18:25] Come at us.

[18:26] Come on, Kelsey.

Elliott Kalan

[18:28] Yeah, we're real scared of a guy with a name that is Kelsey.

Stuart Wellington

[18:31] Immediately recognizable?

[18:32] I'm kind of scared of that.

[18:34] What is he, a villain?

[18:35] That's fair.

[18:35] No, he's got a lot of money to sue us with.

Elliott Kalan

[18:37] We're literally two seconds into the movie.

[18:39] Sure.

[18:39] Our favorite characters from the old movie are in trouble because an evil character called

[18:44] The Jester, who looks just like the Marvel villain, The Jester.

[18:48] Mactonite.

[18:49] He looks a little bit like Mactonite at one point when he turns into a crescent moon.

[18:53] And later, he has an exaggerated lipstick smile on him like the jokester, as Stuart calls

[18:58] him.

Dan McCoy

[18:59] No, he's a real-

[19:00] Wait by Keith Ledger?

[19:01] He's a real-

[19:02] In the dark knot.

[19:04] Joke-

[19:04] He's a real jokester Harley Quinn combo at the end of the movie.

[19:09] I was about to try to do a dark knots impression.

Stuart Wellington

[19:11] The dark knots, yeah.

[19:13] I'm not the villain you need.

Elliott Kalan

[19:16] That's-

[19:17] Why would he put that?

[19:17] The villain I need?

[19:19] Harvey, Jack, can we trust him?

Dan McCoy

[19:23] I've had a little to drink tonight.

[19:26] The dark knots.

[19:27] The dark knots.

[19:28] Somebody make that poster.

Elliott Kalan

[19:31] And you know it's going to be Don Knotts with his mouth in a perfect circle, like, ooh.

Dan McCoy

[19:40] The incredible Mr. Dark Knight.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] What does it say about that movie that I liked it a lot, and I can remember almost no dialogue

[19:46] that Batman has in the whole movie?

[19:48] Yeah.

[19:48] Except for Harvey Denton, can we trust him?

[19:50] Which I think I'm just remembering from that Pete Holmes video.

[19:53] Anyway, the jester has stolen the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West, which I guess

[19:58] has some sort of eldritch non-Euclidean power in it.

[20:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[20:02] And he has the flying monkeys his command, and he has some kind of glowing globe of powerful

[20:07] energy magic.

[20:09] So what's his deal?

[20:09] What's his jam?

[20:11] What's going on?

[20:11] It turns out later that he is the Wicked Witch of the West's brother.

[20:13] Okay.

[20:14] And she put a curse on him that made him a jester, and he wants power now.

[20:18] So are they kind of like-

[20:19] And he turns people into marionettes.

Stuart Wellington

[20:22] Are they kind of like the witches and warlocks of Oz?

[20:25] Are they kind of like the drow society in Forgotten Realms, where the males are not allowed to-

[20:31] They're forbidden to practice magic, Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[20:34] Well, you asked me a question that I have no idea how to answer.

[20:38] I have neither the grounding in the Oz books, nor the grounding in Forgotten Realms.

[20:43] So I'm going to say yes, I guess.

[20:46] Okay.

[20:46] Interesting.

[20:47] It does seem that El Falba Belba, or whatever her name, El Falba Dor, what's her name in

[20:51] Wicked?

[20:52] El Falba?

[20:53] El Falba.

[20:53] Some 14-year-old girl write in and tell me what the character's name is in Wicked.

[20:57] Yeah, Wicked, the Ewok musical.

[21:00] But that she has-

[21:01] Yub, yub.

[21:02] The Wicked story.

[21:05] Yub, yub.

[21:06] But it's a hit Broadway musical called Yub, exclamation point.

[21:11] And it's an Ewok musical.

[21:12] Yub, yub?

[21:13] So, two thumbs yub.

[21:15] By the way-

[21:16] Says the dead Siskel and Ebert.

Dan McCoy

[21:19] We've reached the point in the podcast to give another tip to anyone who's been kidnapped.

[21:26] So, open up the window in the bathroom of the place where you've been kidnapped, so your

[21:32] kidnapper thinks that you've gone out there-

[21:34] Pull a good deed on him.

[21:35] But instead, go out through the other exit.

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] Or hide in a closet.

[21:41] Yeah.

[21:41] Here's another thing to remember.

[21:42] Exit to the gift shop.

[21:44] That's how you can escape a museum or a captor's lair.

[21:47] Yeah.

[21:47] Uh-huh.

[21:47] That's how-

Stuart Wellington

[21:48] And it gives you access to overpriced, I don't know, shirts.

[21:51] I mean, that's the thing.

[21:51] You're going to want a souvenir.

[21:51] If you're Mr. Brainwash, you're going to do very well.

Elliott Kalan

[21:53] You're going to want a souvenir of the time you were kidnapped.

[21:55] Maybe like a zoo book.

[21:58] A zoo book.

[21:59] Yeah.

[22:00] Subscription-only magazine zoo books.

[22:01] Like a zoo-bly zoo book.

[22:02] No, you can get those zoo books at gift shops of zoos.

[22:05] Can you?

[22:06] Yeah.

[22:06] I only got it through the mail because I was a big zoo book subscriber as a kid.

[22:10] And I got to tell you, there's a problem when you subscribe to it for years as a kid because

[22:13] there's only so many issues.

[22:15] So I must have gotten like old world vultures a number of times.

[22:22] Or like, you know, alligators.

[22:24] I got a thing.

[22:25] I do remember there was one called New World Monkeys.

[22:28] I think there's old world monkeys and new world monkeys.

[22:31] And I didn't, I was too young to really know what that meant.

[22:34] So I thought it was just old monkeys.

Dan McCoy

[22:37] Which do you prefer?

[22:39] I really can't tell the difference.

[22:39] Old world or new world monkeys?

[22:40] I can't tell the difference between those monkeys.

Elliott Kalan

[22:42] Let me write this down.

[22:43] Put it in my file.

[22:45] Anyway, so they need help because despite being a courageous lion, a robo man, and some

[22:52] kind of pumpkin head character type figure.

[22:55] Some kind of.

[22:56] They can't defeat this jester.

[22:57] Some kind of straw construct.

[22:58] Some sort of, yeah, some sort of Alex Mack type who can dissolve and then come back together.

[23:04] And he's a super genius.

[23:05] They can't defeat the jester.

[23:06] They need Dorothy the witch killer.

[23:08] And so we go to Kansas where a tornado, the tornado from the previous movie and previous story.

[23:13] And they say, years have passed for us here in Oz, but it'll seem to Dorothy like it's just the next day.

[23:19] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:19] So Dorothy has had little time to deal with her adventure in Oz.

[23:23] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[23:24] She wakes up in a stressful situation.

[23:26] Yes.

[23:27] To say the least.

[23:27] She's got PTSD at the wazoo.

[23:29] She killed somebody.

[23:29] She killed two people.

[23:31] Yeah.

[23:31] She dropped a house on one and then saw their feet curl up in like that weird thing.

Dan McCoy

[23:35] I mean, even to this day, that creeps me out.

[23:37] And then she melted.

Elliott Kalan

[23:38] I bet you she can't take a shower maybe ever again.

[23:40] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:41] Even if it was justifiable homicide, it's a hell of a thing to kill a woman.

[23:46] To paraphrase, I'm forgiven.

[23:47] Yeah.

[23:48] Yeah.

[23:49] Anyway, let's keep moving.

Stuart Wellington

[23:50] You have to steal its soul.

[23:52] Yeah.

[23:52] With a Polaroid camera.

Dan McCoy

[23:53] Sorry for referring to a witch as a it, but I didn't want to genderfy.

[23:57] I think so.

[23:57] I think that's fair enough.

Stuart Wellington

[23:58] Didn't want to genderfy?

[23:59] Yeah, genderfy it.

Dan McCoy

[24:00] You don't want to genderfy it by moving into the witch's neighborhood.

[24:04] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:06] Genderfaction is when they take a neighborhood that's totally dudes and they start coming in.

[24:11] And turning all the shooting galleries into like, what, pony stores?

Dan McCoy

[24:14] Boutiques or whatever.

[24:15] Boutiques?

[24:16] Boutiques.

Stuart Wellington

[24:17] Boutiques.

[24:18] Where you buy designer bow staffs.

[24:23] Boutique.

Dan McCoy

[24:24] So it's the next.

[24:26] Where a lady Donatello shops.

Stuart Wellington

[24:28] Would you like that gift wrapped with a bow?

[24:31] I see what you did there.

[24:32] Yes.

[24:33] Dan, edit all of this.

Elliott Kalan

[24:35] Okay.

[24:35] So it's the next day.

[24:37] Dorothy's house has been destroyed by a tornado.

[24:40] Now this is taking place in modern day.

[24:42] So her Aunt Am looks like Anna Gasteyer as that public radio character that she does.

[24:47] And her uncle, what's the uncle's name?

[24:50] Uncle Owen, let's say.

[24:51] It's Uncle Owen.

[24:52] He just looks like some guy.

[24:53] He's a moisture farmer.

[24:54] Now the house is wrecked.

[24:57] But it's not so bad.

[24:58] They can fix it.

[24:59] Dorothy's like, we can fix it.

[25:00] We can fix it.

[25:00] I swear.

[25:01] And they like give it up.

[25:02] They're like, fuck this.

[25:03] They're like, no.

[25:04] And an evil appraiser comes by, voiced by Martin Short, who has classic devil beard.

[25:09] It's even pointed at the tip.

[25:10] And he's got a little henchman who's measuring stuff.

[25:13] He says, this house is unsafe.

[25:15] Who could be like a familiar.

[25:16] We have no idea.

[25:18] He's like that little monkey man that the bad guy in the goon has.

[25:22] Sure.

[25:22] That little cat guy who's always depressed all the time.

[25:24] Yeah, but he's a tiny homunculus.

[25:28] So the appraiser says, this place is not safe.

[25:31] This property is condemned.

[25:32] You have to go to the emergency shelter.

[25:34] And I guess I'll buy the house from you at a bargain basement price when you go to the condemned building sales fair that I'm hosting in town.

Dan McCoy

[25:42] It's a little like Star Wars having so much have to do about trade agreements or whatever.

[25:49] In this fantasy world, you don't necessarily want to have to get into the idea of understanding what these deeds mean or legal.

Elliott Kalan

[25:57] Except I would say that having the deed to a farm be taken by the bank, for instance, is a longstanding plot.

Dan McCoy

[26:04] But that would be a much simpler thing than what is shown here.

[26:07] This is still not that difficult.

Elliott Kalan

[26:09] The guy's clearly evil.

[26:10] He's trying to steal their house.

[26:11] Okay.

[26:11] And all the adults being grownups are like, well, I guess we got to go along with it.

[26:16] Nothing we can do.

[26:16] We're homeless now.

[26:18] But Dorothy is like, no, no, we can't listen to this.

[26:21] That's when a rainbow totally attacks her.

[26:23] She's chased by a rainbow.

[26:25] She tastes it.

[26:26] She tastes the rainbow.

[26:27] She is tripping hard.

[26:30] Tripping the light.

[26:31] Fantastic.

[26:31] When she wakes up, she can't even see anymore.

[26:34] But the rainbow picks her up and takes her to Oz, where she is going to save the day.

[26:40] But she's left.

[26:41] She needs to get to the Emerald City.

[26:42] For some reason, the machine in the Emerald City that brings her there doesn't take her to the Emerald City.

Dan McCoy

[26:47] I think that they get interrupted in the middle of it somehow.

[26:50] I think that the...

[26:51] What, does the jester pop in?

[26:53] Yeah, I wasn't paying a lot of attention.

[26:54] I think the monkeys show up.

Elliott Kalan

[26:56] Dan's eyes were glued to his phone.

[26:59] But I think the monkey...

[27:00] I don't know what kind of naked pictures Dan was looking at on his phone.

[27:02] I think that...

[27:03] But his eyes were literally glued.

Stuart Wellington

[27:04] It certainly wasn't the Legends of Oz DeviantArt page, which we just looked at.

Elliott Kalan

[27:09] If you want to see a lot of drawings of a sexy cowgirl...

Stuart Wellington

[27:12] Yeah, Dorothy envisioned as a sexy cowgirl.

[27:16] Sometimes with a buffalo friend.

Dan McCoy

[27:18] But rarely wearing pants.

[27:20] Oh, never.

[27:22] No, I...

[27:23] Yeah, I...

[27:24] I will admit, I was not paying attention.

[27:26] Some of it was I was examining the Wikipedia page to see the storied history of this production.

[27:33] But at that point, I think that the villains came in...

[27:36] And interrupted the rainbow ride.

[27:37] So the rainbow deposited Dorothy where she should not have been.

Elliott Kalan

[27:41] She landed in a forest where she met her first new character, aside from the jester, Wiser,

[27:47] who is an owl whose character trait is that he is extremely fat.

[27:50] He is super fat.

[27:50] He is gargantuously fat.

Dan McCoy

[27:52] Imagine the fattest owl you've ever seen and then quadruple it.

Elliott Kalan

[27:56] And then add a hundred more owls to it.

Dan McCoy

[27:58] Sure.

[27:59] Each of whom...

Elliott Kalan

[27:59] Each of which is fatter than the last.

Dan McCoy

[28:01] Like, I have to respect this movie by showing me a much fatter owl than I ever thought I would see.

Elliott Kalan

[28:07] Well, that's...

[28:07] If you...

[28:08] That's the...

[28:09] In the end of this movie, they say, you've never seen an owl this fat.

[28:12] I...

[28:13] One of the top ten fat owl films.

Stuart Wellington

[28:15] I'm fantasizing about taking the egg that that owl hatched from and turning it into a delicious omelet.

[28:20] An owl-omelet?

[28:22] Exactly.

Dan McCoy

[28:23] That's like...

[28:23] Like, you would have to be a wimpy-style comic character to eat that omelet.

Stuart Wellington

[28:28] Sure, a Dagwood-style omelet.

[28:30] I'm not sure that Stuart isn't a wimpy-style comic character.

[28:34] So, Wiser is...

[28:35] This incredibly fat owl also has...

[28:37] He's a very fat kind of...

[28:38] Did somebody spray paint a...

[28:40] Yeah, he's got like an argyle pattern on him.

Elliott Kalan

[28:41] He has like an argyle sweater pattern on the top half of his chest.

Stuart Wellington

[28:44] It's just feathers.

Elliott Kalan

[28:46] Is that part of his plumage?

[28:47] I think it's to get across the idea that he is something of an intellectual.

[28:50] He's a fat nerd.

[28:51] He also has little Pince-Nez glasses.

Dan McCoy

[28:53] Which stay on...

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] I mean, I guess that's...

[28:56] Even when they go over a waterfall.

[28:57] But that's just good Pince-Nez fitting.

Dan McCoy

[29:00] His Nez is really Pince-Nez in those.

Elliott Kalan

[29:03] He can't Pince that Nez anymore than it already is.

[29:07] They...

[29:08] Now, Wiser can't fly for obvious reasons.

[29:11] He is hideously fat.

[29:12] For fat.

Dan McCoy

[29:12] Morbidly obese.

[29:13] For fat Nez reasons.

Elliott Kalan

[29:14] He tries to flap his wings.

[29:16] He's going to die of a heart attack.

[29:17] He bounces very well.

[29:18] He can't even fly...

[29:19] He's like a gummy bear bouncing here and there and everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[29:21] Even on like an airplane, he can't fly.

[29:23] Like, they're like, you're going to have to buy three seats, sir.

[29:25] You're going to have to buy a cargo plane.

[29:27] Oh, wow.

[29:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[29:28] Yeah.

[29:29] You are one and a half Kevin Smith, sir.

[29:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[29:32] We need to organize our own Operation Dumbo Drop just for you.

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] So, they pass through first Candy Country, which is a place that's all candy.

[29:42] Where they have a crazy acid freak out.

[29:43] The jester says, I'm going to trick them.

[29:47] All the signs in Candy Country say, don't eat the candy.

[29:49] The jester casts the most magic of spells to change the signs to say, eat the candy.

[29:54] They go crazy.

[29:56] In the kind of acid freak out I haven't seen since...

[29:58] It's subtle misdirection.

[29:59] I think Roger Corman's the trip.

Dan McCoy

[30:02] Yeah, subtle misdirection.

[30:04] They're like kids in a candy store in a town made of candy.

Elliott Kalan

[30:07] And they eat a lot of candy to a song about candy that the jester sings.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] This is the second song in the movie, right?

[30:12] Yeah.

[30:13] The first one was the heart-stopping rendition of...

[30:16] What was the song?

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] It's their...

[30:18] This movie is version of Over the Rainbow.

[30:20] Okay.

[30:20] And it's not very good and not very memorable.

[30:21] It's about building...

[30:22] So, the candy song is great.

[30:23] As I said when we were watching it, this is their answer.

[30:26] It's a tough road to hoe because Somewhere Over the Rainbow is probably, I would say,

[30:31] the best song ever written for a movie.

[30:33] Like, what else is better?

[30:35] Like, what's at that level even?

[30:36] Like, I don't know.

[30:38] Live and Let Die?

[30:39] Time Goes By, maybe?

[30:40] The Dream Warriors theme from Nightmare on Elm Street Part 3?

[30:44] I mean, that's...

[30:45] Yeah, maybe.

[30:45] And I assume...

[30:46] Between the Moon and New York City.

Dan McCoy

[30:48] Big Trouble in Little China.

[30:49] The best thing.

[30:50] From the movie Big Trouble in Little China.

Elliott Kalan

[30:51] I mean, that's the only real...

[30:53] The only real competitor.

[30:54] But they have, like, a very bland, kind of not as good song.

Dan McCoy

[31:00] Hold on.

[31:00] How do you expect?

[31:01] Harsh critique.

[31:02] How about Take Control from Ghostbusters 2?

[31:05] Oh, wait a minute.

[31:06] Whatever it's called.

[31:07] Saving the Day?

[31:08] No, no, no.

[31:09] No, that's Ghostbusters 2.

[31:10] I guess we...

[31:11] Take Control.

Elliott Kalan

[31:13] Da-da, da-da, da-da-da.

[31:14] Too hot to handle.

[31:15] Too cold to hold.

[31:16] Call the Ghostbusters in the ink control.

[31:18] So, I gotta say, I'm not surprised Ghostbusters 3, they want to get off the ground, because

[31:22] the Ghostbusters movies were a cottage industry of originally written songs.

[31:27] Each one had, like, three new songs in it.

Dan McCoy

[31:30] Oh, man.

[31:30] About Ghostbusters.

[31:32] I gotta say, I kinda like Take Control more than I like Ray Parker Jr.

[31:36] You are an idiot.

[31:38] You are a madman.

Elliott Kalan

[31:40] Hey, man.

[31:40] Maybe the catch...

[31:41] That is such a catchy song.

[31:43] It captures...

[31:44] Despite knowing only...

Dan McCoy

[31:45] It's a rip-off of I Want a New Drug.

[31:48] By Huey Lewis.

Elliott Kalan

[31:49] It's a huge improvement on I Want a New Drug.

[31:51] I would say this.

[31:52] You've been told...

[31:53] You gotta write a song for a movie called Ghostbusters.

[31:55] What's it about?

[31:55] It's about Ghostbusters.

[31:56] What does that mean?

[31:57] The title of the movie is Ghostbusters.

[31:58] Write a song for it.

[31:59] And you write a song that perfectly captures the feel of that movie?

[32:03] You are a genius.

Stuart Wellington

[32:04] That is a movie where old people will unironically shout out,

[32:08] Busted Makes Me Feel Good.

Elliott Kalan

[32:10] But what about...

[32:11] That's right up there with...

[32:11] If I want a song about...

[32:12] That's right up there with the poster for The Thing,

[32:14] where they said, we're gonna make a remake of The Thing.

[32:16] What happens in it?

[32:17] It's called The Thing.

[32:18] Paint us a poster.

Dan McCoy

[32:20] What if I want a song that's all about Vigo, the master of evil?

[32:24] Try to battle my boys.

[32:25] It's not legal.

[32:26] Woe-wee, woe-wee.

Elliott Kalan

[32:27] Wait, what if you want a song about love?

[32:29] You're not gonna get that from the Ghostbusters theme either.

[32:32] I mean, that's not a correct criticism, Dan.

[32:36] I went to see this movie, Guardians of the Galaxy.

[32:38] But what if I wanted a movie about the effects of Alzheimer's on a family?

[32:43] Well, then this is not the movie to go to.

[32:45] What if I wanted a Duplass Brothers style low-key comedy?

[32:49] Nobody goes to a movie theater and argues.

[32:52] I went to go see Phantom of the Paradise, but I wanted to see an animated film about a young deer that grows up.

[32:59] Well, that's not a fair criticism.

[33:01] You knew perfectly well going in that that was not the movie you were seeing.

[33:05] To request a song about Vigo of Carpathia from a movie that does not feature that character is ridiculous on its face.

[33:13] Even so, sir, I demand my money back.

[33:16] Sir, I will give you no refund and you are banned from this theater.

[33:18] All right, a free popcorn then.

[33:21] I know.

[33:21] You have no negotiating platform right now.

[33:24] A small Coke.

[33:27] I should just give him the small Coke.

[33:29] Will you take this promotional lobby card for the film Pure Luck starring Martin Short and Danny Glover if it will get you to leave?

[33:39] I will.

[33:41] No, I have to apologize.

[33:41] It's the scene where Martin Short is puffed up from a bee sting.

[33:47] Don't show it to children.

[33:48] It will frighten them.

[33:50] Now, assistant manager, Stuart, you had something you wanted to say.

Stuart Wellington

[33:53] I was going to say the postcard is missing the U because the U, I guess, fell out of the title Pure Luck and landed on somebody's head, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[34:03] So it says P. Ray Luck.

[34:05] And it landed on Martin Short's head.

[34:07] But somehow that helped him solve the mystery.

[34:09] I didn't see the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[34:11] As someone who saw the movie, I can't answer any questions either.

[34:14] I know that it ends with Martin Short.

Stuart Wellington

[34:15] Somebody told me it was a comedy.

[34:18] I think they're lying.

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] Okay.

[34:19] Now, is he playing the same character in this in Captain Ron?

[34:22] That's what I want to know.

[34:23] Not at all.

[34:24] They are brothers.

[34:27] Whoa.

[34:27] Twin brothers.

[34:28] And they're the sons of the Martin.

[34:29] They're twin sitters.

[34:30] They're twin sitters.

[34:31] And they're the sons of the Martin Short character from Three Amigos.

[34:34] Both bodybuilders.

Dan McCoy

[34:38] Oh, man.

[34:39] Fuck the fucking Pixar theory.

[34:42] I want this unified theory of Martin Short movies.

[34:44] All of Martin Short.

[34:44] So how do we fit Jack Frost from the Santa Claus 3 into this?

[34:51] I do know that this movie they watched tonight is part of the Martin Short-iverse.

[34:54] It is.

Elliott Kalan

[34:55] Somebody at home needs to make the family tree of how all of Martin Short's characters are connected.

[34:59] How is Clifford related to Ed Grimley Jr.?

[35:02] How is his character from Inherent Vice related to...

[35:09] What's another Martin Short character?

Stuart Wellington

[35:11] His character from Arrested Development.

[35:13] Yeah.

[35:14] Where is the like...

[35:15] Like the weird bodybuilder guy.

[35:17] The old bodybuilder.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] I forgot about that character.

[35:19] Not one of their stronger moments.

[35:22] Ironic because he's a very strong character.

[35:24] Yes.

[35:24] Okay.

[35:25] So they eat the candy.

[35:26] They're arrested by...

[35:27] Wonderful guy.

[35:27] Let's get back to the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[35:29] Seems like a very sweet man.

[35:30] So after this trippy dreamscape...

Elliott Kalan

[35:32] They are arrested for eating the candy by Marshall...

[35:34] Featuring floating jester heads.

[35:36] By our next big character, Marshall Mallow, who is a...

[35:39] Marshall Mathers.

Stuart Wellington

[35:40] Some kind of a rap star?

Elliott Kalan

[35:42] Yeah, he's Marshall.

[35:43] Marshall...

[35:43] He grew up at 8 Mallow.

[35:47] The bad part of Candy Detroit.

[35:50] And he wins a lot of rap battles.

[35:52] Detreat, dude.

[35:53] Detreat.

[35:54] Now, Marshall Mallow is the by-the-book, Hugh Dancy-voiced, marshmallow...

[35:59] Yeah.

[36:00] Military policemen who arrest them with his chocolate scops that we couldn't tell if they were dogs or they had mustaches.

Dan McCoy

[36:07] He takes time out from his relentless pursuit of Hannibal to arrest these miscreants.

[36:14] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[36:15] He's like, yeah, this is my design.

[36:17] Yep.

[36:18] A world of candy.

[36:19] People eating the candy.

[36:20] His specialty is catching crooks who eat things.

[36:24] Crooks...

[36:25] I imagine he doesn't want them to eat it because that Candyland is the elaborate serial killer plot.

[36:32] Because every serial killer goes after, puts on these elaborate pageant productions.

[36:37] This guy has turned all his victims into candy, and that's the scene of the crime.

[36:40] Yeah.

[36:41] Nothing...

[36:42] I mean, I love that show, but nothing beats ridiculousness.

[36:45] Like, the idea of Lance Henriksen as an old man just climbing a ladder to build a totem pole of bodies that's like 25 feet high.

Dan McCoy

[36:53] No, you can't believe that this exists in a real world.

[36:56] It exists in a crazy fucking...

[36:57] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[36:57] In the crazy high opera world of Hannibal.

Dan McCoy

[37:00] Yeah, the Thomas Harris universe.

[37:04] The Harrisverse.

[37:05] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:05] In which Hannibal and Black Sunday both exist in the same universe.

[37:09] No kidding.

[37:10] A book I read part of.

[37:13] Now, they're brought before Judge Drawbreaker, played by Brian Blessed, a judge with a jawbreaker for a head.

Dan McCoy

[37:17] And dare I say, I mean, he's competing with Patrick Stewart, but he might be the finest work on this movie.

[37:24] Yeah, sure.

Elliott Kalan

[37:24] He really puts his all into the jawbreaker character from the one scene he's in.

[37:27] Yeah.

[37:28] Now, here's the thing I'll give this movie credit for.

[37:30] They had references to real-life pop culture things here.

[37:35] And they have a jury of their peeps, which is a jury box full of peeps.

[37:38] Yeah.

[37:38] There's the peanut galleries made of circus peanuts.

[37:40] And yet, it kind of worked.

[37:43] Yeah.

[37:43] They didn't go too far with the references.

Dan McCoy

[37:45] No, this scene, I would say, is the best scene in the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] I was half expecting it to be, like, all, like, knockoff Shrek jokes.

[37:53] Yeah.

[37:54] And it surprisingly wasn't.

[37:55] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[37:55] I thought, if this scene was about them and Candy Country, or this movie was about them and Candy Country, might not have been a terrible movie.

[38:02] Yeah.

[38:02] Unfortunately, they leave Candy Country pretty quick.

[38:04] Jawbreaker sentences them to death.

[38:07] Which is hilarious.

[38:08] That's when they ask their names.

[38:09] Dorothy says.

Dan McCoy

[38:10] In a children's movie.

[38:11] I mean.

[38:12] They're going to get killed.

[38:14] I mean, that's.

[38:14] For eating candy.

Stuart Wellington

[38:15] And it feels like the fat owl character is like, I guess it makes sense at this point.

[38:21] I've eaten so much candy.

Elliott Kalan

[38:22] I've eaten so much candy.

[38:23] I deserve it.

[38:24] I've escaped.

[38:24] It's the same way I feel the day.

Stuart Wellington

[38:26] Finally, I can find sweet release from this fat prison I live in.

Elliott Kalan

[38:29] Yeah.

[38:29] Someday, I'm going to be given a ticket for jaywalking in New York.

[38:32] And I'm going to be like, you know what?

[38:34] You got me.

[38:35] I've been doing this for 15 years.

[38:37] It was bound to catch up with me eventually.

[38:39] I cannot fight this.

[38:40] Sentence me to death.

[38:41] So Owsley is like, hey, you know what?

[38:44] I did the crime.

[38:45] I'm going to do the time.

[38:46] And the time is eternity.

[38:47] Because I'm going to be dead.

[38:48] But throw me in the ground.

[38:50] Don't even kill me first.

[38:51] But when they ask their names for the death certificates, Dorothy says, Dorothy Gale.

[38:55] And they go, oh, Dorothy, the hero?

[38:56] The witch killer?

[38:57] Send them on their way.

[38:59] This is not the only time this happens in the movie.

[39:01] Which makes you think, why does Dorothy not just brandish her name at everybody?

[39:04] She doesn't want to be like.

[39:06] But it's such a celebrity who's like, give me the nice table because I'm Dorothy Gale.

[39:10] But it's like if Tom Cruise wanted to get into a club and they're like, who are you?

[39:13] And he's like, nobody, nobody.

[39:14] You need a big fake mustache on.

[39:16] Like, just take advantage of your celebrity, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[39:19] Yeah.

[39:19] Well, it's like wearing on their sleeve the fact that they're playing on the strength of the original story by having Dorothy literally being like, remember that thing I did in that story you remember?

[39:33] That's why you should let me do whatever the fuck I want, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[39:36] Yeah.

[39:36] But also there's a lot of the, there's the moment in Wizard of Oz where they're at the gates of the Emerald City.

[39:42] And he goes, oh, you got the ruby slippers?

[39:45] Well, that's a horse of a different color.

[39:47] Come on in.

[39:48] And then it's like, okay, let's do that four times in this movie.

[39:52] Yeah.

[39:53] Where people hear that she's Dorothy and they go, oh, well, that's different.

[39:56] Or they say something and the guardsman who's trying to keep him out of place goes, oh, well, that's different.

[40:01] Come on in.

Dan McCoy

[40:02] It's like.

[40:02] Yeah, she does seem a little reluctant to play that shit.

[40:05] Like, where it's just like, I mean, it's just who you are, man.

Stuart Wellington

[40:07] Is it because she, and they don't address the fact that she clearly is upset about the fact that her fame comes from murdering people?

Elliott Kalan

[40:13] I think it's because she's from humble Kansas stock and she doesn't want to be a tall daffodil, you know.

[40:18] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[40:19] Every time people bring that up, she imagines a poor witch melting to death.

[40:24] You're a Dorothy, the witch killer.

[40:25] And she just goes.

Elliott Kalan

[40:27] I didn't even know what would happen.

[40:31] Blood on my hands.

[40:32] Green blood on my hands.

[40:33] It won't come off.

[40:34] It won't.

[40:35] Clean.

[40:36] I can never be clean.

[40:37] Green jelly on my hands.

Dan McCoy

[40:39] Little pig, little pig, let me in.

[40:40] Oh, thank you.

[40:41] What a terrible song that was.

Stuart Wellington

[40:45] I remember buying the Casingle when it was green jello.

[40:51] Why?

[40:51] Before they had to change their name, huh?

Dan McCoy

[40:53] Oh, my God.

Stuart Wellington

[40:53] Because I was a fucking kid and I had no taste.

Dan McCoy

[40:55] That was like, there were a few videos when I was young on MTV where I was just like, I need to change the channel because this video was on because this is so terrible.

[41:07] And one of them was green jellos.

Elliott Kalan

[41:10] I assume you're thinking, let me turn to VH1 because maybe there's something I can masturbate to here and there.

[41:14] Yeah.

[41:14] On MTV, there's going to be three minutes before.

Dan McCoy

[41:16] Like the vinyls, I touched myself.

[41:17] Yeah, there you go.

Elliott Kalan

[41:18] There's going to be three minutes before I can masturbate to anything on MTV unless that pig is kind of hot.

[41:24] The wolf's doing a lot of blowing.

[41:26] Anyway.

[41:26] I just know the grind's going to be on later.

[41:28] That's all I know.

[41:29] Wow.

[41:30] If I'm lucky, it's spring break or the summer and they're doing one of those swimsuit grinds.

[41:34] You know it.

[41:36] So Marshmallow joins them on their quest to the Emerald City so that Marshall Mallow, he can find the missing general.

[41:42] He has them, as you said, he has them dead to rights.

[41:45] Yeah.

[41:45] He caught them.

[41:46] They are guilty.

[41:47] And yet they get to go free because they're white and Marshall Mallow is white.

[41:52] Is also white, yeah.

[41:53] And it's a white law structure, you know.

[41:55] But anyway, he says, well, I have to go find General Candy Apple, my commanding officer.

[41:59] Turns out Candy Apple's been kidnapped by the Jester.

[42:01] I'll go with you to the Emerald City.

Stuart Wellington

[42:01] A little bit of dramatic irony for us because we know that he is currently turned into a weird puppet.

Elliott Kalan

[42:05] Yeah.

[42:06] Let's keep, okay, we'll just continue.

[42:08] Let's zoom through this because we take it so long.

[42:09] Yeah, we have gone way long.

[42:11] They go through the dainty China country where they pick up the China princess who's rejecting potential suitors for her hands,

[42:18] one of whom is played by the guy who did the voice for Invader Zim.

[42:21] So that was fun for me because I'm a big fan of the show.

[42:22] Tom Kenny was another of the suitors.

[42:23] Tom Kenny's another suitor.

[42:24] They took the great cartoon voice actors and just kind of shoved them in one scene for a moment.

Stuart Wellington

[42:28] There's a weird great moment of shattered porcelain people, like faces still moving around.

[42:34] Yeah, just still singing on the ground.

[42:35] Yeah, good nightmare fodder.

Dan McCoy

[42:36] It's like a weird like Gilliam film.

[42:37] Like, again, another pretty good scene in the middle of the movie.

[42:40] Like, the middle of the movie has a few good scenes.

[42:43] I'll tell you why.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] Because they're going through these like crazy worlds that each have an interesting hook about them.

[42:50] Yeah.

[42:50] And then they're out of there.

[42:51] They go fast.

[42:52] After the dainty China country scene, they don't do that again.

[42:56] They're like, they build a boat out of a tree.

Dan McCoy

[42:59] Well, they build a boat out of –

[43:00] Like, let's not gloss it over.

[43:02] They build a boat out of Patrick Stewart.

Elliott Kalan

[43:03] They go to the talking tree area where Dorothy took the apples in the first Wizard of Oz,

[43:08] and she wants wood to build a boat so they can go down a river to get to the Emerald City.

[43:12] And one tree volunteers.

[43:15] One tree hill.

[43:17] It is on a hill, I guess.

[43:18] An old tree played by Patrick Stewart who's tired of sticking in one place and wants to see the world before he dies.

[43:23] A giving tree, if you will.

[43:25] They build a boat out of him, which is kind of frightening because it's just got that big chocolate tree head on the front.

[43:29] And later, soldiers are walking out of his mouth like it's –

[43:33] But he's charming because it's Patrick Stewart.

Dan McCoy

[43:35] But he's like –

[43:35] I mean, apparently he's still alive once they cut him down.

[43:38] I don't know what the other trees are worried about, but he's like, I'm old.

[43:42] I'll tell you what they're worried about.

[43:43] I've – you know, make a boat out of me.

[43:46] I want to see the world.

[43:46] Dan, they're all agoraphobic.

Elliott Kalan

[43:48] Okay.

[43:48] And they want to stay in that little patch of ground.

[43:50] Yeah, all right.

[43:51] Now, his name is Tug.

[43:52] Yeah, they want to have their little fucking ent moot hanging out.

[43:54] His name is Tug, and it's weird.

[43:56] The tree is named Tug before he became a boat.

[43:58] That's a boat's name is Tug.

[43:59] He should have been called, like, Branchy or Treebeard.

[44:03] Doesn't he change his name to Tank or Tonk or something?

[44:06] Later on.

[44:06] Now, they go – they get to the Emerald City after falling over a waterfall.

[44:10] In the process –

[44:11] China Girl gets broken, right?

[44:13] China Girl gets shattered into pieces.

Dan McCoy

[44:15] But Marshmallow Man takes some fire and melts little bits of his marshmallow body.

[44:21] Yep, in the most Rainbow Three moment of the movie.

[44:24] Lose her back together.

[44:25] I mean, that's – number one, that's not very good glue.

[44:28] Well, he sings a song about being in love with her.

[44:29] Wait, have you ever tried it, dude?

Elliott Kalan

[44:31] Marshmallows are sticky, dude.

[44:33] Deal with it.

[44:34] I mean, for a s'more.

[44:35] Deal with it.

[44:36] The reason they're called Marshmallows is because marshes are sticky.

[44:39] They're not desert mallows.

[44:41] All right, fair enough.

[44:42] It's very sticky.

[44:43] Maybe it's just a temporary measure until they can find some Oz Crazy Glue.

[44:46] Yeah.

[44:46] But all we know is gluing her pieces back together brings her back to life.

[44:49] They're in love despite the obvious differences.

[44:52] He serves the army.

Dan McCoy

[44:53] They have these size differences.

[44:55] We had a lot of discussion while we were watching this movie.

[44:57] Not a lot.

Elliott Kalan

[44:57] We had a little bit of discussion.

[44:59] Yeah, we drew a bunch of fucking diagrams.

[45:01] About how these characters might indulge in the physical act of love.

[45:04] The physical act of love.

[45:06] I'm just saying –

[45:06] I was going to say their main problem is that he's the soldier of a different nation.

Dan McCoy

[45:11] I'm saying that the main problem is he is literally six times larger than her.

[45:16] Even with his squishy marshmallow penis, I'm not really –

[45:21] I'm not sure how this union is going to –

[45:25] I don't –

[45:26] I mean, am I alone here?

[45:27] I thought there was a bone in it.

Elliott Kalan

[45:28] I mean, may they –

[45:29] I thought that's why they called it a boner.

[45:31] Maybe they're not –

[45:32] Maybe it's not that kind of relationship.

[45:33] There's not a physical dimension.

[45:35] Like Carol Channing and her husband.

[45:36] Yeah, it's a companionate marriage.

[45:38] Maybe he blows –

[45:39] Maybe he's gay.

Stuart Wellington

[45:40] Maybe he blows feathers across her tummy until you fucking reach his climax, dude.

[45:44] What did that happen in?

[45:45] 40 Days and 40 Nights.

[45:46] The worst movie ever made.

[45:49] Nothing but trouble.

[45:50] Across her tummy.

Elliott Kalan

[45:51] Nothing but trouble is the worst movie ever made.

[45:53] I don't know, dude.

[45:54] Featuring this movie's Dan Aykroyd.

[45:56] Anyway, they –

[45:58] Wait, Dan Aykroyd was in that movie?

[46:00] He wrote it and played multiple parts.

Stuart Wellington

[46:03] But I remember a character with a penis for a nose that looked kind of like Dan Aykroyd.

[46:07] A penis or annoyed.

Elliott Kalan

[46:09] Which you have to avoid.

[46:11] Avoid the penis annoyed.

[46:12] He fucks pizzas.

Dan McCoy

[46:15] That's how it happens.

[46:16] That's what he does.

[46:17] Like Tony Millionaire.

[46:19] That's how you get more pizzas, though.

Stuart Wellington

[46:21] Like that's the only way –

[46:21] Tony Millionaire was in Big Sausage Pizza?

[46:23] No.

Dan McCoy

[46:25] The sad thing, though, like –

[46:26] If you want more pizzas, the only way is to fuck pizzas

[46:29] and then have little pizza babies.

[46:31] Yeah, they're called pizza bagels.

Elliott Kalan

[46:33] That's how you make pizza bagels.

[46:34] Like in Back to the Future 2?

[46:36] Yeah, they take that dehydrated pizza and they put it in a sex machine.

[46:41] It's the orgasmatron from Sleeper, and it comes out as a full pizza.

[46:45] Anyway, Dorothy goes to the Emerald City.

[46:47] She confronts the jester who, like, captures her or whatever.

[46:51] Who cares?

[46:52] Wiser, the owl, overcomes his fear of flying to go help her.

[46:55] Everybody else goes to help her.

Dan McCoy

[46:57] There's that great scene that we talked about

[46:59] where all of a sudden there's like just a cut back to Patrick Stewart

[47:01] where there's a bird on his nose and he goes,

[47:04] Sing me a song.

[47:06] Which is the best part of the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[47:08] It sounds like, yeah, like Patrick Stewart was just kind of speaking to himself

[47:11] and they decided to put it in the movie.

[47:14] Like he still might.

[47:15] There's a scene –

[47:16] Now, the animation in this movie is not as bad as Food Fight,

[47:18] but there is a scene now where when Wowser,

[47:21] when Wowser learns to fly, when Wowser learns to fly, there's a scene where it looks like –

[47:28] It's pretty funny.

[47:29] It's a pretty funny scene.

[47:30] It's a pretty funny scene, but also it's so poor looking.

[47:33] It looks like he's in front of a bad green screen.

[47:35] And this is a CGI movie.

[47:36] There's no real elements here.

[47:38] It's a funny thing.

Stuart Wellington

[47:38] Every time they shoot Dorothy with the little China woman in her knapsack

[47:42] or fucking satchel, it just looks like bad forced perspective.

[47:47] It looks like Elijah Wood and Ian McKellen are like 10 feet apart,

[47:51] but you're supposed to assume they're like right next to each other.

Dan McCoy

[47:53] But in terms of timing, in terms of editing an animated movie,

[47:59] in terms of figuring out visually how to sell a gag, where he's flying,

[48:04] it's pretty funny because you've got this huge owl,

[48:07] and then they just hold the longest shot where he flies off into the distance

[48:12] over a waterfall, and you slowly see him get smaller and smaller.

[48:17] And it's just a static shot, and it's a choice that I feel like –

[48:22] In a bad movie, you wouldn't normally see that kind of like –

Elliott Kalan

[48:26] There are a couple moments in this movie where you're like,

[48:29] oh, that's not terrible.

[48:31] But mostly it's just kind of a bland, boring movie.

[48:34] So let's skip through it.

[48:35] They confront the Jester, who as far as I'm concerned

[48:38] never really feels like an Oz character.

[48:39] He has his magic staff with like a magic orb on the top,

[48:43] and Dorothy's having trouble stopping him,

[48:46] except the Jester is really his worst enemy.

[48:48] Dorothy and the other heroes kind of stop dealing with him for a while

[48:51] during the climax as the Jester chases his magic orb across rooftops

[48:55] and down like pipes and things like that.

Stuart Wellington

[48:58] Yeah, well, they deal with the problem through the violence of attacking enemies with candy.

Elliott Kalan

[49:03] That's when Tug comes in.

[49:04] Tug the tree boat is now a tank, and he calls himself Tank.

[49:08] And he comes in with some soldiers from Candyland,

[49:10] and they're just shooting candy at flying monkeys,

[49:12] and it is relatively violent.

[49:14] Mm-hmm.

[49:14] Yeah.

[49:15] And there's a scene where –

[49:16] If you consider monkeys being covered in candy.

[49:18] But there's like –

[49:19] The scarecrow turns the tin man's head into a gun

[49:21] and is working at like an old machine gun with a crank,

[49:25] and there's a part where there's just a shot of the lion

[49:27] blasting people with I don't know what out of a candy cane.

[49:31] It gets weirdly shooting.

Stuart Wellington

[49:32] It's pretty great because he's like kind of turning slowly in slow motion,

[49:36] firing these jelly beans, I guess, indiscriminately,

[49:39] and then it cuts to a shot of one monkey getting hit with multiple jelly beans.

[49:43] And there's no way because he keeps aiming them in different directions.

[49:46] There's no way they're all hitting the same monkey.

Elliott Kalan

[49:48] Well, they're monkey-seeking jelly beans.

[49:49] Oh.

[49:51] There's a big tornado that the Jester summons to get rid of Dorothy,

[49:55] and he almost gets sucked into it.

Stuart Wellington

[49:58] A bunch of soldiers march out of the tree tank's mouth.

[50:01] Yep.

[50:02] They've just been hiding in his gut.

Elliott Kalan

[50:03] And the soldiers –

[50:05] If the China soldiers get broken, they're still alive and still moving,

[50:08] and if the chocolate soldiers –

[50:10] If their heads come off, they're still walking around moving.

[50:12] These are hideous, you know, zombie automatons at this point.

[50:15] Yeah, they should not be.

[50:17] Dorothy, through the power of, I guess, being a good person.

Dan McCoy

[50:19] They're like golems.

Elliott Kalan

[50:21] Yeah.

[50:21] They're chocolate golems,

[50:23] which are given out every year by Jewish parents to Jewish children

[50:27] on the holiday of golemas.

[50:30] Or yum golem.

[50:32] Yum golem is the day we celebrate how yummy golems are.

[50:35] How much gelt do those cost?

[50:37] A lot because you've got to melt it down

[50:38] and make you golem.

[50:39] Oh, okay.

[50:39] Luckily, gelt is the worst tasting chocolate in the world.

[50:43] Boo!

[50:43] So you don't mind melting it down.

[50:45] So Dorothy uses the power of her being a good person, I guess,

[50:48] to break the staff, and she throws it in tornado.

[50:52] Jester jumps into tornado to get the staff.

[50:54] Yeah, he dies or something.

[50:55] And we see no more of his wicked, hilarious ways.

[50:59] Everybody who was a marionette, because he turns people into marionettes,

[51:02] turned back okay, everything's fine.

[51:04] Dorothy goes home.

[51:05] She reveals that the fake appraiser who's buying everybody's houses for a song

[51:09] is in fact an imposter.

[51:11] The police arrest him.

[51:12] And over the end credits...

Stuart Wellington

[51:14] Jay, he's been playing multiple roles, multiple identities, like a Dr. Henry Holmes.

[51:21] Like a hilarious Dr. Henry Holmes.

Elliott Kalan

[51:23] He's like a regular...

[51:28] I can't even think of it.

[51:28] Yeah.

[51:29] Guy who pretends to be other guys.

[51:31] Yeah, that guy.

[51:32] You know that guy?

[51:32] You know.

[51:33] He's a regular catch me if he can.

[51:35] Anyway, so...

[51:37] Uncatchable.

[51:38] What if the Uncatchable team goes after catch me if you can?

[51:42] Now that's a team up.

[51:44] No, no, they...

[51:45] Not a team up.

[51:45] That's a...

[51:46] It's like a Frankenstein versus Godzilla type thing.

[51:48] They're fighting each other.

[51:50] That's the scientist fights Godzilla.

[51:53] Thank you.

[51:54] Seems pretty easy.

[51:55] Does he just create a giant undead monster out of...

[51:58] He sews together the corpse of giants.

[52:01] The corpse of giants into a giant monster.

[52:02] Of a bunch of Migos or whatever the fuck?

Dan McCoy

[52:04] He sews together the corpses of all of the giants' football team.

Elliott Kalan

[52:08] To make one hideous football mass.

[52:10] Yeah.

[52:12] And Godzilla eats it and it gives him brain damage or something.

[52:16] That's terrible.

[52:17] That's a terrible movie.

[52:18] Anyway, and Godzilla has to deal with a lot of debilitating health effects later in life.

[52:22] More sad than it is thrilling.

[52:24] Yeah.

[52:26] So, Dorothy...

[52:27] And over the end credits, Dorothy helps them rebuild the town as a song plays.

[52:32] The end of Legends of Oz.

[52:34] Sure.

[52:34] And I guess the door is open for them to use that rainbow machine to bring her back and have another Legends of Oz.

[52:40] Have another rainbow connection.

[52:42] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:43] Don't bring up that movie I like more than this movie.

[52:45] So, wow.

[52:47] This is...

[52:48] Somehow this is the longest we've gone.

Stuart Wellington

[52:50] We barely talked about the movie.

[52:51] Yeah, I don't know what happened.

[52:52] Well, we talked about a bunch of stupid stuff, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[52:54] Yeah, that's my favorite thing to do.

[52:56] But let's...

[52:58] Now what do we do?

[52:59] Let's do Final Judgments.

Stuart Wellington

[53:01] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[53:02] Wow.

[53:03] Classic.

Dan McCoy

[53:04] Classic sound effect.

[53:05] Haven't heard that one in a while.

[53:06] Raw-raw!

[53:07] What?

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] That's the house cat's brother, nerdy house cat.

[53:11] Was this a good, bad...

Stuart Wellington

[53:12] Um, excuse me, raw?

Elliott Kalan

[53:16] I think you find that raw to the power of raw will equal the results you would desire.

Dan McCoy

[53:23] Yeah, the nerdy house cat who, like, figures out the equation that makes a lady house cat's bras ball.

Stuart Wellington

[53:32] The gentile strength of that bra is not enough to withstand my, I don't know, laser beams.

Elliott Kalan

[53:37] I like how you said lady house cat's bras.

[53:39] Because a lady house cat would have multiple bras for her multiple rows of nipples.

[53:43] Yeah.

[53:45] Not attractive by human standards, but to a cat, very beautiful.

[53:50] Less than six breasts would seem strange.

[53:53] Amazing.

[53:55] So, final judgments, everybody.

Dan McCoy

[53:58] This is the part of the podcast where we...

Elliott Kalan

[54:03] You okay, Stuart?

[54:04] No.

[54:05] I've never seen anyone choke to death on laughter before.

[54:08] And Coors.

Dan McCoy

[54:11] Where we judge this movie.

[54:12] Silver bullet to the head.

[54:13] We judge this movie, finally.

[54:15] Which is to say, was this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or movie you kind of liked?

[54:20] I'm going to start.

[54:21] I'm going to say...

Elliott Kalan

[54:22] Wow, okay.

[54:23] Here's the thing.

[54:24] Sign yourself the majority opinion there, Chief Justice Dan.

Dan McCoy

[54:29] The first and last third of this movie, bad, bad movie.

[54:35] The middle third of this movie, I kind of liked it.

[54:37] I kind of liked...

[54:38] There's a weird sort of magic to the middle part of this movie that the rest of the movie did not sustain.

[54:45] And that's what I have to say about that.

[54:46] Stu, what do you have to say?

Stuart Wellington

[54:48] I'm going to say this is a bad, bad movie with the caveat that it is not nearly as bad as I expected.

[54:54] I expected it to be watching the trailer.

[54:56] No, I'm going to go with Stuart on that.

[54:57] This is not a food fighter on Ooyah.

[54:58] This was, at best, bland and boring.

[55:01] I remember seeing the trailers in the theater and being like, what the fuck am I watching?

[55:06] Because I assumed it was like a D-grade Shrek ripoff.

[55:10] And it was not nearly that bad.

Dan McCoy

[55:12] Well, and this was also put out by Sunshine Media or something.

[55:16] Something that sounds like a made-up shell corporation.

[55:20] Summertime entertainment.

[55:21] All right, yeah.

[55:22] Some kind of Kelsey Grammer-owned business.

[55:24] This is just summertime entertainment, guys.

[55:25] And it's like a U.S.

Elliott Kalan

[55:27] It was a U.S.-India co-production.

[55:30] Like, it's a movie that you would think would be like crazy bonkers bad.

[55:36] And it's just like, meh.

[55:37] And like even, I would say like the best I can say about it is like, as a huge Wizard of Oz fan,

[55:42] I never felt like this is...

Dan McCoy

[55:44] You didn't think that anyone was urinating on Frank L. Baum's grave?

[55:49] L. Frank Baum.

[55:50] L. Frank Baum.

Elliott Kalan

[55:50] L. Frank Baum is a completely different guy.

[55:54] L. It didn't feel like a desecration.

[55:55] It just kind of felt unnecessary.

[55:57] L. Sure.

Dan McCoy

[55:59] Yeah, so it's great.

[56:01] So, we do have a couple of sponsors for tonight's show.

[56:04] L. Get the fuck out of here.

[56:06] L. I love them.

[56:07] L. It's insane.

[56:08] L. People want to support the Flophouse.

[56:11] L. Okay, cool.

[56:12] L. Let's hear about them.

[56:13] L. I think that's great.

Elliott Kalan

[56:13] L. I think that's wonderful.

[56:13] L. Let's support them.

[56:15] L. Let's support them and find out who they are and what products we can buy.

Dan McCoy

[56:17] L. And first, the Flophouse is really...

[56:20] L. Brought to you in part by the kind support of audible.com, the internet's leading provider

[56:28] of spoken audio information and entertainment.

[56:31] L. What does that include, Dan?

[56:32] L. Does that mean audio books?

[56:33] L. That means audio books.

[56:34] L. Does that mean podcasts?

[56:35] L. I'm not sure.

[56:37] L. It definitely means audio books.

[56:39] L. Well, thanks, Dan.

Stuart Wellington

[56:41] L. That's the audio books of choice from the Flophouse Wives book club.

[56:46] L. Yes, that's true.

Dan McCoy

[56:47] L. Yeah.

[56:48] L. Our lovely wives have a book club, which is a thing that they do when we're being assholes

[56:54] in this apartment.

[56:54] L. Doing this.

[56:55] L. Doing this.

[56:55] L. Doing this, and they don't want to be around us.

Stuart Wellington

[56:57] L. My wife uses Audible.

[56:59] L. Yeah.

[56:59] L. And she really likes the fact that if she doesn't like a book, she can return it.

[57:04] L. Yeah.

[57:04] L. There's a lot of really great things about Audible.

Dan McCoy

[57:05] L. Excellent.

[57:06] L. Well, and Audible is offering Flophouse listeners a free audio book and a free 30-day trial

[57:12] membership.

[57:13] L. Just go to audiblepodcast.com slash flop and get a free audio book of your choice

[57:19] now at audiblepodcast.com slash flop.

[57:24] L. But we're also sponsored this week by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform

[57:30] that makes building your own website simple and easy.

[57:33] L. If you need a website...

[57:34] L. And you do.

[57:35] L. Why not make it simple and easy?

[57:36] L. Yeah.

[57:37] L. Let's face it.

[57:38] L. Why not?

Dan McCoy

[57:38] L. Why make it difficult and hard?

[57:41] L. No.

[57:42] L. I mean, those words mean the same thing, but...

Elliott Kalan

[57:43] L. But with different intonations.

[57:45] L. Make it simple and easy.

[57:46] L. You never say you're totally difficult for a girl.

[57:48] L. Yeah.

[57:49] L. Sure.

Dan McCoy

[57:49] L. I don't know what that means, but...

Elliott Kalan

[57:50] L. You never say you're making me so difficult.

[57:52] L. Yep.

Dan McCoy

[57:53] L. Use the other word.

[57:54] L. That seems okay.

[57:56] L. I'm not sure what Squarespace thinks of that being in the middle of the ad, but...

Elliott Kalan

[57:59] L. Look, what we're saying is Squarespace takes something that could be really hard.

[58:03] L. Yeah.

[58:04] L. And makes it really easy.

[58:05] L. Makes it easy.

[58:05] L. They've been a big supporter of the Flophouse podcast.

Dan McCoy

[58:09] L. They have been.

[58:09] L. They certainly have been.

[58:10] L. Squarespace has beautiful templates, integration with Google Apps...

[58:14] L. Those templates are making me difficult.

[58:16] L. And Getty Images, and it has responsive design, which means it doesn't matter.

[58:21] L. You're looking at it on your...

[58:23] L. You're looking at it on your phone.

[58:27] L. You're looking at it on your...

[58:29] L. iPad.

[58:29] L. Yeah.

[58:31] L. Looks great no matter where you're looking at these websites.

Elliott Kalan

[58:34] L. You don't have to set up a whole new website for every medium.

[58:38] L. Every device.

[58:39] L. No.

Dan McCoy

[58:39] L. That would be foolish.

[58:41] L. Use Squarespace instead.

[58:42] L. For a free trial and 10% off your first order, go to squarespace.com.

[58:48] L. Enter the code FLOP.

[58:50] Squarespace.

[58:51] L. Start here.

[58:52] L. Go anywhere.

Elliott Kalan

[58:53] L. That's F-L-O-P.

[58:55] L. My advice, go to audible.com.

[58:58] L. Use the code to get a book.

[58:59] L. Start up your account there.

[59:00] L. Listen to it while you're setting up your website through Squarespace.

[59:04] L. Yeah.

[59:04] L. Your Flophouse podcast fan page.

[59:06] L. Right about the book on your new webpage.

[59:08] L. There is a dearth of Flophouse fan pages.

[59:10] L. There's, of course, the Flophouse wiki, which is great.

[59:12] L. Yeah.

[59:12] L. And the Flophouse recommends page.

[59:14] L. But I go to the boomist Flophouse ring.

[59:17] L. Yeah.

[59:17] L. There's nothing there.

[59:18] L. Yeah.

[59:18] L. Do people even have web rings anymore?

Dan McCoy

[59:21] L. Are there even...

[59:21] L. What's a web ring?

Elliott Kalan

[59:22] L. It was just a bunch of linked sites, and you could click between them.

Dan McCoy

[59:24] L. Is there even any deviant art about the Flophouse?

[59:27] L. No, dude.

Elliott Kalan

[59:28] L. That is a dangerous door to open, and I'd rather we not go through it.

[59:32] L. A Flophouse fan site is one thing.

[59:34] L. We don't need more pictures of us and the house cat having sex with each other.

Jordan Morris

[59:38] L. I'm Jesse Thornton.

[59:42] L. I'm Jordan Morris.

[59:43] L. The federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities that

[59:48] you need to seize today.

[59:49] L. You're a taxpayer, right?

[59:51] L. Well, then you've got it coming.

[59:52] L. Thanks to Uncle Sam, you can get

[59:55] L. Grant programs for veterans.

[59:56] L. Post-it stamps that'll ensure your mail gets there in a timely fashion.

[1:00:00] L. Fruit for you and your family.

[1:00:02] L. Child care for your children that turns them into super soldiers.

[1:00:05] L. Get a million dollars to open your own lake.

[1:00:08] L. Useful power tools that are easy on your soft, delicate hands.

[1:00:12] L. Your own personal radioactive brick.

[1:00:14] L. More sexual attention from everyone at the used bookstore.

[1:00:18] L. Greyhound tickets.

[1:00:19] L. Soft, gentle kisses from TV's John Goodman.

[1:00:22] L. A real narwhal.

[1:00:23] L. Athletic socks filled with stew.

[1:00:26] L. A valuable pamphlet on millet.

[1:00:28] L. Your father's approval.

[1:00:30] L. Don't wait right now.

[1:00:32] L. For all of this and more, drop us a line.

[1:00:35] L. Jordan, Jesse, go.

[1:00:36] L. One, two, three iTunes street.

[1:00:39] L. Or wherever you download podcasts.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:42] L. Okay, Dan, what's next?

[1:00:44] L. So, uh...

[1:00:46] L. I have a few...

[1:00:47] L. Do you want to use this chance to talk about some of our other great podcasts on our Maximum Fun network?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:52] L. That actually would be a good thing to do at this point.

[1:00:55] L. Thank you to our network, Maximum Fun.

[1:00:59] L. You can go visit them at MaximumFun.org.

[1:01:03] L. Yep.

[1:01:04] L. We've got a lot of great podcasts on the same Maximum Fun network.

[1:01:08] L. Such as?

[1:01:08] L. Jordan, Jesse, go.

[1:01:09] L. You've got Judge John Hodgman.

[1:01:12] L. You've got the...

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:12] L. Judge John Hodgman, our nemesis podcast.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:15] L. Yeah, listen to it, but be mad when you listen to it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:18] L. The Adventure Zone.

[1:01:18] L. Shake your fist.

[1:01:20] L. Adventure Zone.

[1:01:20] L. My Brother and Me.

[1:01:22] L. Sawbones.

[1:01:23] L. Get a room, My Brother, My Brother and Me in the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:26] L. You've got your wham, bam, pow, your lady to lady.

[1:01:32] L. Pop Rocket, right?

[1:01:34] L. Yeah, a lot of great podcasts.

[1:01:35] L. Did you say Adventure Zone?

[1:01:35] L. I did.

[1:01:36] L. Bunker Buddies.

[1:01:38] L. Did you say Bunker Buddies?

[1:01:39] L. No, Stuart did.

[1:01:40] L. I just said it.

[1:01:41] L. Did you say My Brother, My Brother and Me?

[1:01:43] L. What about Sawbones? L. Did you mention that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:45] L. Get a room, My Brother, My Brother and Me in the Flophouse.

[1:01:48] L. Okay, but the point is...

[1:01:49] L. Literally.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:50] L. Go to MaximumFun.org.

[1:01:52] L. Check out a lot of great shows on our network and enjoy them.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:59] L. Because that's what they're for.

[1:02:00] L. They're for you to enjoy.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:02] L. Not for, I guess, information purposes.

[1:02:04] L. No.

[1:02:05] L. If you want to use them for information purposes, you will be sorely disappointed.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:10] L. A lot of them have more information than this podcast.

[1:02:13] L. Sure.

[1:02:14] L. Like Sawbones has information on it.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:16] L. Yeah, no, that's true.

[1:02:17] L. There's actual medical information to be had there.

[1:02:19] L. I mean, you probably...

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:20] L. I mean, I fired my doctor.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:21] L. No, that's...

[1:02:21] L. I just listened to Sawbones.

[1:02:22] L. I would not do that.

[1:02:23] L. I would not do that.

[1:02:24] L. I don't recommend that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:26] L. I said, physician, heal thy fucking self.

[1:02:28] L. And I tossed a match at him.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:30] L. Wow.

[1:02:30] L. Sure.

[1:02:31] L. Yeah.

[1:02:31] L. And then you walked away as he exploded.

[1:02:33] L. Why did he explode?

[1:02:34] L. I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:35] L. He's just that kind of doctor.

[1:02:35] L. He was drinking a lot of butane.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:39] L. He was a bad doctor.

[1:02:41] L. He was a bad doctor who thought it was good to drink butane.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:44] L. Everyone I deal with is the bad version of themselves.

[1:02:46] L. Bad doctors, bad teachers, bad Santas.

[1:02:48] L. Sure.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:49] L. Bad judges.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:50] L. You sound like, I don't know, like NBC's Saturday Night lineup.

[1:02:56] L. So anyway, now is the point.

[1:02:58] L. And you keep trying to order good pizza but you keep getting bad Andy.

[1:03:03] L. What about Good Burger?

[1:03:04] L. What about Good Burger?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:07] L. No, I mean, that's great.

[1:03:08] L. I have bad burger.

[1:03:09] L. Oh.

[1:03:10] L. That's terrible.

[1:03:11] L. You know that show Good Times?

[1:03:12] L. I turn it on and bad times plays.

[1:03:15] L. You ever have the candy good and plenty?

[1:03:18] L. Bad and plenty.

[1:03:20] L. Sounds like you've got a terrible life, Elliot.

[1:03:22] L. You ever heard of the movie It's a Wonderful Life?

[1:03:24] L. I'm into terrible life.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:26] L. Worried about you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:27] L. You know that old British comedy group The Goodies?

[1:03:30] L. The Baddies.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:34] L. You know your favorite movie, Dan?

[1:03:35] L. Good Luck Chuck.

[1:03:37] L. Can you guess what Elliot's version is?

Dan McCoy

[1:03:39] L. No, I can't.

[1:03:40] L. It's called Bad Luck Chuck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:41] L. It's called Bad Luck Chuck.

[1:03:42] L. It's called Bad Luck Charlie.

[1:03:44] L. Nobody wants to be his friend and call him Chuck.

[1:03:46] L. Yeah.

[1:03:47] L. So.

[1:03:49] L. Ironically, Bad Dad Soccer Dad.

[1:03:52] L. Good Dad Tennis Dad.

[1:03:53] L. You know your second favorite movie, The Long Kiss Good Night?

[1:03:57] L. Long Kiss Bad Night, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:01] L. That's my second favorite movie.

[1:04:03] L. Is the one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:05] L. You know the Elton John song you hear the most?

[1:04:07] L. Bad Bye, Yellow Brick Road.

[1:04:11] L. Right.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:11] L. Thanks, Bizarro hosts.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] L. Neil Simon's the goodbye girl.

[1:04:15] L. You guessed it.

[1:04:16] L. The Bad Boy Boy.

[1:04:19] L. Even the bi part was changed.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:22] L. That's how bad it is.

[1:04:23] L. Bad Boy Boy.

[1:04:24] L. The Bad Boy Boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:29] L. All right.

[1:04:30] L. Thanks.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:33] L. But now.

[1:04:34] L. Boris Badenov.

[1:04:35] L. More like Boris Goodenov.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:36] L. Who was a real person.

[1:04:37] L. Okay.

[1:04:38] L. Trying to move on.

[1:04:40] L. There's an opera based on him.

[1:04:41] L. To letters from listeners like you, the person who is listening to this podcast right

[1:04:47] now.

[1:04:47] L. If you had written this letter, it could have been your letter that I'm reading right

[1:04:51] now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:51] L. That's the tautest tautology I've ever felt.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:55] L. Unless you are the guy or girl who wrote this letter that I'm about to read.

[1:05:00] In which case, cheers.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:03] L. Cheers.

[1:05:04] L. Cheers.

[1:05:05] L. Have no fear.

[1:05:06] L. Cause your letter will be read on the air tonight.

[1:05:09] L. Or maybe it won't.

[1:05:10] L. I don't know.

[1:05:11] L. Because I don't know you.

[1:05:13] L. And Dan picks the letters.

[1:05:15] L. I've got no idea.

[1:05:16] L. And I haven't seen them.

[1:05:17] L. But now we're gonna read them.

[1:05:19] L. And hear them.

[1:05:20] L. And be them.

[1:05:20] L. We'll be the letters.

[1:05:22] L. We'll act them out on our new show.

[1:05:24] L. The Flophouse Letter Act Out Show.

[1:05:26] L. Sunday is at 10 o'clock on TNT.

[1:05:31] TNT knows drama.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:33] L. That song was almost long enough for Stuart to go to the fridge and get a Modelo.

[1:05:38] L. This is your third beer?

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:40] L. Fourth beer?

[1:05:41] L. This counts as one.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:44] L. So anyway, this letter goes a little something like this.

[1:05:48] L. Let's go.

[1:05:49] L. I started.

[1:05:49] L. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[1:05:50] L. I started listening to you earlier this year from episode one.

[1:05:53] L. I'm still only part of the way to being current.

[1:05:56] L. I must say I feel like a bit of an underachiever as it's taken me months to reach episode 124,

[1:06:02] Stolen, starring Nicholas Cage.

[1:06:05] L. Hey, it took us years to get there.

[1:06:07] L. While earlier letter writers have reported blowing through your whole back catalog in a week or less.

[1:06:14] L. I've been enjoying listening to the podcast fast-forwarding itself through time.

[1:06:18] L. I'm still going to be like, oh, my God.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:25] L. I'm going to say that one thing that springs to mind immediately is that I feel like all of Edgar Wright's movies are.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:37] L. Man, I wish I could watch his movies.

[1:07:38] L. You know his movies I've been seeing?

[1:07:40] L. Edgar Wright.

[1:07:41] L. Boy.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:42] L. No, but I feel like, I mean, like, I, all of his movies work really well as comedies because, like, the first half of them are funny on their own terms.

[1:07:55] L. Uh-huh.

[1:07:56] L. And then not on someone else's terms.

[1:07:58] L. No, but, like, it's not just like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:00] L. Not on Jacques Tati's terms.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:01] L. It's not like you're, like, just, like, bored, like, okay, this is setting something up.

[1:08:05] L. No, it's funny in the beginning, too.

[1:08:06] L. You find it, it's funny, and then, like, the second half of his movie.

[1:08:09] L. Things pay off.

[1:08:10] L. Yeah, a series of payoffs that are so elegantly, like, put together that you didn't realize that they were going to be paid off.

[1:08:17] L. And you're like, okay, great.

[1:08:19] Like, everything that happened in the first half meant something.

[1:08:23] L. And that's, like, the kind of, I think that's the first thing that comes to my mind.

[1:08:27] L. Yeah, I mean, me, too.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:29] L. What about you, Elliot?

[1:08:30] L. You're well-versed in.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:32] L. Actually, a movie I'm going to mention is one that is a little, I feel like the Coen brothers do a similarly very good job of paying things off later that they've set up.

[1:08:39] L. But one movie that I love, it might be my favorite of their movies, although it is not, I would not say it's the best of their movies.

[1:08:46] L. But in The Man Who Wasn't There, there's a lot of offhand references to things that are paid off later in ways that don't always make sense and don't always even move the plot forward but are really funny.

[1:08:59] L. Like, James Gandolfini's wife believes that something involving aliens took him away.

[1:09:05] L. And so later when Billy Bob Thornton is in jail and walks out, just looks at a flying saucer in the air, nods at him, and then walks back into this jail.

[1:09:13] L. Like, it's totally goofy and is a non-sequitur in a lot of ways, but it's a payoff to this thing.

[1:09:18] L. Like, I feel like in that movie, there's a lot of loose strands that don't necessarily get tied together, but they reappear in different forms than they started, and it feels like a whole, even though, plot-wise, it's not like that was a big plot payoff or anything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:33] L. Yeah, I don't know if it's, I don't know if it's cheating, but to kind of go along with the same lines, but I feel like Cabin in the Woods is a movie that does a lot of that, where they introduce things.

[1:09:43] L. And I don't know if it totally fits the parameters of the question either, but I feel like things are introduced early on that end up showing up later on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:52] L. Oh, no, definitely. I mean, all the stuff about the merman that comes up later.

[1:09:57] L. Yeah, like, it seems like a throwaway joke, but then it becomes a real thing later on.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:01] L. Yeah, and I think that might be the secret to doing these things that pay off, is like, it can't be obvious.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:09] L. Yeah, the more obvious the setup, the less satisfying the payoff.

[1:10:14] L. Right.

[1:10:16] L. Much like, I mean, there's the old Chekhov thing about, like, if there's a gun on the mantle in Act 1, it has to go off in Act 3.

[1:10:25] L. But, like, if the camera stops on that gun for a while, you know it's going to go off.

[1:10:31] L. Right.

[1:10:32] L. So it's not a good payoff.

[1:10:33] L. Like, it has to be something that is tossed off in Act 1, but then in Act 3 you're like,

[1:10:37] L. Whoa, that was supposed to be this thing, which is what Edgar Wright does so well.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:41] L. I think that we're talking about a lot of movies that are similar tonally, but it just occurs to me that, like, something like Guardians of the Galaxy, like, one thing that I like about, like, the climax of that movie, it's not necessarily a setup, but, like, the fact that the climax of that movie hinges on, like, Star-Lord suddenly just, like, dancing and singing.

[1:11:03] L. In the context of, like, a big Marvel movie, that's kind of an unexpected thing that happens.

[1:11:12] L. But it ties into the character trait that we've seen.

[1:11:14] L. But it ties into the character trait that we've seen.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:14] L. Like, that in a satisfying way.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:17] L. Or it could even be something as simple as, like, in Groundhog Day, the radio starting at the same place each time, each morning.

[1:11:29] L. So on the last day, when it starts at a slightly different point in the song, it is enough to tip you off that something is different.

[1:11:37] L. And so it's like the beginning of the payoff of, you know, the conclusion of the film.

[1:11:41] L. Like, there's, it's a, it's not a setup in the terms of, like, this happened in the first act, now this is going to happen in the third act.

[1:11:47] But it's a, something that's seeded a number of times and then bears fruit multiple times.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:51] L. Similar to the best movie of all time, Big Trouble in Old China, where, where Jack Burton, early on in the movie, used the phrase, it's all the reflexes.

[1:12:01] And then later on, totally murders Lopan, spoiler alert, and says the same iconic line, all of the reflexes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:07] L. Or I'd say in my candidate for best movie ever, taking of Pelham 1, 2, 3, Martin Balsam sneezing, and Walter Matthaus saying gesundheit, and then at the end that paying off in a hilarious,

[1:12:17] L. In a hilarious take.

[1:12:18] L. Hilarious take in catch-em-up.

[1:12:20] L. But that, that's a, but it's not.

[1:12:21] L. Probably the most hottest of takes.

[1:12:23] L. But when it first happens, you're not like, that's what's going to trip him up later.

[1:12:27] But as soon as he sneezes, when Walter Matthaus is out of the room, you're like, uh-oh.

[1:12:30] L. Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:32] L. You're like a, you're like a Stewart sound effect.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:35] You're like, oh!

[1:12:36] L. And it's, and I'll tell you, that movie also has a good example of a, of a red herring setup, which is, they know there's a police officer on the train, and they keep undercover, and they, for some reason, Walter Matthaus gets it in his head that it must be a police woman.

[1:12:50] L. And so, like, they, so later on, it's revealed who the police officer is.

[1:12:56] It's not a woman.

[1:12:57] L. He's just got long hair, because it's the 70s.

[1:13:00] L. He's almost totally ineffective, but he gets shot, and he's lying face down, and Walter Matthaus sees him and just goes, don't worry, miss, we'll get an ambulance here.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:07] L. And it's like, this, this joke that's been set up way, way back.

[1:13:12] L. And so dumb, like, it's not a great joke, but it's.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:15] L. But it's just what you need in that moment when you just seen Robert Shaw electrocute himself.

[1:13:20] L. Spoiler alert, you just had that movie ruined for you, but still go see it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:24] L. I mean, it's not ruined, it's still a great movie.

[1:13:26] L. It's not like.

[1:13:27] L. It's a nonstop thrill ride.

[1:13:28] L. It's not like what Michael Bay's been doing to people's childhoods from what I hear on the internet.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:33] L. So this next letter is titled, Why Dan Sighs?

[1:13:38] L. Yeah, why is that?

[1:13:39] L. Hi, Floppos.

[1:13:41] L. I don't like that name.

[1:13:42] L. No, not a fan.

[1:13:43] L. I've figured it out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:44] L. It makes it sound like we're, I don't know, Greek or something.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:47] L. I know why.

[1:13:48] L. That's your problem with it?

[1:13:50] L. I thought it made it sound like we're clowns, but you know.

[1:13:53] L. I figured it out.

[1:13:54] L. I know why Dan Sighs.

[1:13:55] L. It's because Dan hopes for the best.

[1:13:57] L. Dan is brimming with optimism.

[1:13:59] L. Yeah, sure.

[1:14:00] L. Maybe this will be the episode where I can get through a whole thought uninterrupted.

[1:14:04] L. This is finally going to be a movie I kind of like.

[1:14:07] L. Today is going to be a good pronunciation day.

[1:14:10] L. And then reality sets in and wallops Dan with a fistful of sad, forcing a sigh from deep within him.

[1:14:16] L. I came to this realization when I listened to episode 155 followed by episode 50.

[1:14:21] L. I skip around.

[1:14:22] L. They both begin with Dan, excited by his persistence in podcasting, 50, and life, 155,

[1:14:28] L. Hoping for presents from his BPFs, Best Peaches Forever.

[1:14:33] L. And he's greeted both times and three years apart with their word for word same joke and no gifts.

[1:14:39] L. I've attached the audio cut from 51st in 155 seconds so you can see what I mean.

[1:14:44] L. Fifty shades of Dan.

[1:14:46] L. Audio.

[1:14:46] L. So sigh on, you beautiful starry-eyed podcaster, and never let reality rip away that wonderful optimism of yours.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:54] Optimism?

Dan McCoy

[1:14:55] L. Michael, middle name withheld, Cato.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:58] L. Now, I would mention that Dan never goes into the movie saying, hey, this is one we might kind of like,

[1:15:02] because if that's a possibility, we don't get to watch it.

[1:15:05] L. Dan, like the cruel mistress he is.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:07] L. I'm a cruel taskmaster.

[1:15:09] L. Taxmaster.

[1:15:10] L. Cruel taxmaster.

[1:15:12] L. I'm a cruel taxmaster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:14] L. I'm a skeleton face that does your taxes.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:17] L. Skeleton face.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:19] L. So what I love is watching Dan read letters occasionally spitting into his Jonathan Franks beard.

[1:15:26] L. Shut up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:27] L. I was going to say, now I imagine the cryptkeeper is going to write in and say he does not appreciate us making fun of his voice

[1:15:33] and putting on skeleton face and doing these offensive ghoul routines.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:37] L. Sure.

[1:15:38] L. What I like is that you mispronounced appreciate, and neither of us fucked with you.

[1:15:43] L. Yeah, I appreciate that too.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:45] L. Whereas I love this letter because of the truth.

[1:15:47] L. The truth that it carries.

[1:15:48] L. I am optimistic.

[1:15:50] L. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:15:51] L. And that's the problem.

[1:15:51] L. Yeah, optimistic prime.

[1:15:53] L. That's your name.

[1:15:53] L. That's the blob.

[1:15:54] L. I'm like fucking Charlie Brown with the football.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:57] L. You like fucking Charlie Brown?

[1:16:00] L. With a football?

[1:16:01] L. This is, save it for your deviant art page, dude.

[1:16:05] L. Sure.

[1:16:06] L. All right.

[1:16:07] L. How many more letters we got?

[1:16:08] L. We got one more.

[1:16:09] L. It goes like this.

[1:16:10] L. Let's crack this one out.

[1:16:11] L. Let's crack some cans.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:13] L. It says, light the tires and kick the fires.

[1:16:16] L. It's titled, Dan read this letter.

[1:16:17] L. Buy some tires, light them on fire.

[1:16:21] L. Scourge the shire.

[1:16:23] L. No.

[1:16:29] L. It has a butt in it.

[1:16:31] L. Dear peaches.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:32] L. Dan, these letters really got to the heart of you.

[1:16:35] L. You're an optimist who loves butts.

Dan McCoy

[1:16:36] L. Quite sometime listener, first time writer.

[1:16:38] L. A friend of mine recommended you in the Flophouse to me

[1:16:40] when I was still listening to other bad movie podcasts.

[1:16:43] L. I was quickly converted and finished your entire back catalog.

[1:16:47] L. You can add me to the large number of people who've already written in

[1:16:49] and said you helped them get through a difficult time.

[1:16:52] L. Well, I'm glad we could do that.

[1:16:52] L. Last year was not pleasure.

Elliott Kalan

[1:16:54] L. And just to say, honestly, it means a lot to us when people say that

[1:16:58] and we hope that we've, this is not what we're setting out to do.

[1:17:00] In fact, we're setting out to hurt people.

[1:17:02] L. But if we could help anyone, then that just by being goofy,

[1:17:05] then we're, it's very touched.

[1:17:07] It's very touching to us that we've been able to do that.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:09] L. You might think about registering the podcast

[1:17:11] as an officially recognized antidepressant

[1:17:14] and start a medical revolution.

[1:17:16] L. We can't keep the wondrous reviving powers of the Flophouse to see forever.

[1:17:20] L. But I also have a question for all three of you.

[1:17:23] L. Obviously, the listeners know all about your taste in movies,

[1:17:26] and we've heard of your favorite comics, historical figures,

[1:17:30] beers, and dinosaurs.

[1:17:32] L. Elliot is totally right.

[1:17:35] L. You gotta pronounce this for me.

[1:17:38] L. Dionysus.

[1:17:39] L. Dionysus all the way.

[1:17:40] L. Dionysus?

Elliott Kalan

[1:17:41] L. Dionysus is not my favorite Greek god by far.

[1:17:44] L. But there have only been...

[1:17:45] L. Dionysus, that's the Greek name.

Dan McCoy

[1:17:47] L. The Roman name is Bacchus, right?

[1:17:48] L. Not the other way around?

[1:17:50] L. I could be wrong.

[1:17:51] L. But there have only been a few hints about your respective tastes in music.

[1:17:56] L. Elliot seems to know a lot about metal,

[1:17:58] while Dan is more of an indie lister.

[1:18:00] L. Stuart knows more about metal than me.

[1:18:02] L. I don't know.

[1:18:02] L. Does Invisible Maniac have an original soundtrack?

[1:18:05] L. It does.

[1:18:06] L. It's also...

[1:18:06] L. Yeah.

[1:18:07] L. So my question...

[1:18:09] L. Big trouble.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:09] L. An invisible maniac.

[1:18:12] L. My question...

[1:18:13] L. I wish that was the theme song for every movie.

Dan McCoy

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:18] L. In terms of endearment.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:23] L. In Mary Poppins.

[1:18:24] L. In ordinary people.

[1:18:26] L. The imitation game.

[1:18:28] L. Run.

Elliott Kalan

[1:18:29] L. Run into the mystic Kramer vs. Kramer.

Dan McCoy

[1:18:32] L. So...

[1:18:33] L. These are all appropriate.

[1:18:37] L. What is your favorite style of music?

[1:18:38] L. What's a movie without big trouble?

[1:18:39] L. Jesus Christ.

[1:18:40] L. Let me just get through the end of this fucking thing.

[1:18:41] L. Nothing but trouble.

[1:18:42] L. Because we are running long.

[1:18:44] L. This is a very long episode.

[1:18:45] L. So just let me finish the email.

[1:18:48] L. What is your favorite style of music?

[1:18:50] L. Or your favorite artists?

[1:18:51] L. Or favorite albums?

[1:18:51] L. I'd be much obliged if you could give me an answer.

[1:18:53] L. Maybe even on air.

[1:18:55] L. I'm sure flop fans would like to know as well.

[1:18:58] L. And P.S.

[1:18:59] L. I promised a but.

[1:19:00] L. This is from Christian.

[1:19:01] L. Last name withheld.

[1:19:03] L. To increase my chances of Dan reading this.

[1:19:06] L. But I don't want to disappoint Purpzoid number one.

[1:19:08] L. So there you go.

[1:19:09] L. And there's an ashy butt.

[1:19:11] L. So it's made out of what?

[1:19:12] L. It's made out of punctuations.

[1:19:14] L. So you got a...

[1:19:15] L. How is it?

[1:19:15] L. You got a Y.

[1:19:16] L. Is that how it's pronounced ashy?

[1:19:18] L. Ashy?

[1:19:19] L. I don't...

[1:19:19] L. Ashy?

[1:19:20] L. It's very ashy.

[1:19:22] L. You know.

[1:19:23] L. As punctuation-based butts go, it's not a bad one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:26] L. Yeah, it's got a Leisure Suit Larry feel to it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:19:28] L. Yeah.

[1:19:29] L. Yeah, it's not a Tiffany Shepist pumpkin butt, but it's okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:32] L. It's been a long time since that came up.

[1:19:34] L. So the question, though, was...

[1:19:35] L. Winky emoticon.

Dan McCoy

[1:19:37] L. What music do we like?

[1:19:40] L. You know, our top bands or top albums?

[1:19:42] L. Yeah, yours is Talking Heads or something, right?

[1:19:43] L. Shut the fuck up.

[1:19:44] L. Wait, but let me do my thing.

[1:19:46] L. Okay, show up.

[1:19:46] L. And why don't you do your thing?

Elliott Kalan

[1:19:48] L. How about that?

[1:19:49] L. I'll go real quick.

[1:19:50] L. You're going to be a jackass.

[1:19:51] L. How about I go real quick first to detensify the situation?

[1:19:55] L. I am a big fan of metal.

[1:19:56] L. I used to listen to a lot of punk when I was younger, but I haven't listened to so much of that lately.

[1:20:00] L. But lately, because I've been putting it on while I feed my son lunch or breakfast or what have you, or dinner, I've been listening to a lot of classical music.

[1:20:09] L. Like Raffi?

[1:20:10] L. No.

[1:20:11] L. And rediscovering my love of, you know, Tchaikovsky and so forth.

[1:20:14] L. But I'll say my favorite album is still Unleashed in the East, the kind of live Judas Priest album, which much of it was done in the studio after the fact, including, I think, all of the vocals.

[1:20:24] L. But it's a really good album if you want to hear faster, harder versions of a lot of Judas Priest's older songs.

Dan McCoy

[1:20:30] L. I'll say, if you want to boil me down to a genre, I like...

[1:20:37] L. Big butts.

[1:20:38] L. I cannot lie.

[1:20:40] L. I like all butts.

[1:20:41] L. I like all butts, so I cannot lie.

[1:20:44] L. I like New Wave, like punk New Wave.

[1:20:47] L. My favorite, like five bands, if I had to run them down, would probably be The Beatles, Talking Heads, The Clash, The Replacements, and Nico Case.

[1:20:59] L. Those are my favorites.

[1:21:01] L. Stu, what do you got?

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:03] L. Yeah, I guess, yeah, I'm a big metalhead.

[1:21:07] L. I listen to you a lot.

[1:21:08] L. Like the Robot Turtle, the same name.

[1:21:10] L. Yep, we both, me and Metalhead the Turtle, both like Iron Maiden, King Diamond, like mid-range carcass, 90s Death Metal.

[1:21:22] L. You're making these names up, by the way.

[1:21:25] L. Napalm Death.

[1:21:26] L. You just went to see Napalm Death recently.

[1:21:27] L. Yeah, I saw Napalm Death recently, and they're still great.

[1:21:30] L. Yeah, I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:31] L. Still out there napalming people?

[1:21:33] L. To death.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:33] L. All of them.

[1:21:35] L. Yeah, I mean, if you get napalmed, you expect to be dead afterwards.

Dan McCoy

[1:21:38] L. Yeah, all that kind of stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:21:40] L. I think a lot of, and also I should mention also something that gets left out a lot of time when people think about me,

[1:21:45] is that I'm a big classic country fan, particularly Loretta Lynn is my favorite of all time.

[1:21:50] L. Okay.

[1:21:51] L. So I think if Loretta Lynn and Rob Halford ever made an album together, I am online for that album.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21:56] L. Sure.

[1:21:57] L. I'm waiting online for it.

[1:21:58] L. Wanda Jackson and Glenn dancing.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:03] L. Yeah, so I hope that that...

Elliott Kalan

[1:22:04] L. If Tammy Wynette and basically all Metallica puts on the album.

[1:22:08] L. Wow.

[1:22:10] L. If they could work with the London Symphony.

[1:22:14] L. Not really.

Dan McCoy

[1:22:16] L. I feel like we've got this weird also like Venn diagram of the Flophouse in that you and I, Elliot, share certain punk and new wave stuff.

[1:22:28] L. And Stuart, you and Elliot share like metal stuff together.

[1:22:32] L. Sure, yeah.

[1:22:33] L. No one shares my love of Duke Ellington.

[1:22:36] L. And Stuart, you and I share what?

[1:22:39] L. A love of butts?

[1:22:41] L. Kuzjani by Aldebarge.

[1:22:43] L. Yeah, but I think we both...

[1:22:45] L. I mean, we certainly love that.

[1:22:48] L. Man in Motion?

[1:22:50] L. Yeah, yeah.

[1:22:52] L. Yeah, like cheesy 80s stuff.

[1:22:54] L. Oh, clearly.

[1:22:55] L. Yeah, dear love of Tone Loke is what connects you.

[1:22:58] L. So, yeah, I hope that answers your question.

[1:23:02] L. But now, the final and saddest segment.

[1:23:05] L. You know, what's the last thing to do?

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:06] L. The final segment.

[1:23:10] L. My dad's favorite driving song.

[1:23:13] L. Really?

[1:23:13] L. For years when I was a kid, he had Europe's album that had Final Countdown on it.

[1:23:17] He would play just that one song from the album when we were going on like a driving trip somewhere.

[1:23:22] L. Yeah, what else is on that album?

[1:23:23] L. I don't know.

[1:23:24] L. He would stop it, rewind the tape, and then take the tape out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:23:27] L. My dad would always play a shitload of Bob Seger.

[1:23:31] L. And my mom would play the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack until I started singing along to it.

[1:23:37] And then she's like, my son probably shouldn't be singing this.

Elliott Kalan

[1:23:40] L. See, my parents just played a lot of Billy Joel.

[1:23:42] L. A lot of Beatles and a lot of Billy Joel.

[1:23:44] L. Yeah.

[1:23:45] L. But I grew up in the Tri-State area, so what are you going to do?

Dan McCoy

[1:23:48] L. This is the segment where we recommend movies that we actually liked, unlike whatever the fuck we watched tonight.

[1:23:54] L. It was called Dorothy's Legends of...

[1:23:56] L. Rise of Dorothy, Oz, it's a legend.

[1:24:00] L. It's called Dr. Oz, Dorothy's Revenge.

[1:24:05] L. The original Kings of Oz, Dorothy style.

[1:24:08] L. Stu, what do you want to recommend?

[1:24:09] L. Dorothy does Oz.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:11] L. I'm going to recommend a movie that is a remake of a movie that Dan recommended a while ago.

[1:24:18] I don't remember.

[1:24:19] L. I'm going to recommend the movie Sorcerer, directed by William Friedkin.

[1:24:23] L. It's a remake of the French movie Wages of Fear.

[1:24:26] L. Correct.

[1:24:27] L. So what Dan said applies to sorcerer.

Dan McCoy

[1:24:30] L. Only way more because it's in color.

[1:24:32] L. Yeah.

[1:24:33] L. It's about...

[1:24:34] L. Plus a Tangerine Dream soundtrack.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24:35] L. It's about four guys who are desperate men who...

[1:24:41] L. Who lose their virginity in Tijuana.

[1:24:45] L. But their penises will explode.

[1:24:49] L. And they...

[1:24:49] L. It's pretty great.

[1:24:51] L. They all end up in a South American country that I don't remember.

[1:24:55] L. And they're tasked with...

[1:24:57] L. They volunteer for a mission driving trucks through the jungle, transporting dynamite, nitroglycerin.

[1:25:06] L. And it's super tense and super great.

[1:25:09] L. And there's a couple moments where there's like...

[1:25:11] L. You're just watching a truck trying to go over this shitty, shoddy wooden bridge.

[1:25:19] L. And I'm watching this in the theater and I'm like, no modern movie would do this.

[1:25:24] L. Like, no modern movie, like, the climax would be watching a truck try to make it over a bridge.

[1:25:32] L. And in a way it was great because it was so...

[1:25:34] L. It was still super fucking tense.

[1:25:36] L. So, Sorcerer, William Friedkin with Roy Schneider.

[1:25:41] L. It's Roy Schneider.

[1:25:41] L. Rob Schneider's dad, Roy Schneider.

[1:25:43] L. Roy Schneider.

[1:25:44] L. Yeah, Schneider.

[1:25:45] L. The Elder Bigelow, Roy Schneider.

[1:25:47] L. And I think Francisco Raval or Raval, who's from one of my favorite directors in the universe,

[1:25:53] Stuart Gordon's movie, Dagon.

[1:25:55] L. Oh.

[1:25:56] L. Who gets his skin totally ripped off in that movie.

[1:25:59] L. But not in Sorcerer.

[1:26:00] L. Final appearance.

[1:26:01] L. No, he doesn't get his skin ripped off in Sorcerer.

Dan McCoy

[1:26:03] L. But go watch Dagon, too, because he gets his skin ripped off.

[1:26:06] L. I want to recommend a movie that I'm kind of surprised I'm recommending.

[1:26:10] L. It's called Legends of Oz, Dorothy's Return.

[1:26:13] L. No, we, you know, as members of the Writers Guild, we get a lot of screeners and I'm like,

[1:26:18] ah, whatever, this movie I want to see, this movie I don't actually want to see.

[1:26:21] L. Check out Braggs McGee over here.

[1:26:24] L. No, no, I'm just saying.

[1:26:25] L. Billy Braggs.

[1:26:27] L. I'm just saying that we have the opportunity to watch movies that.

[1:26:31] L. Yeah, check out Braggly Cooper.

[1:26:33] L. Oh, man.

[1:26:34] L. Like, we wouldn't necessarily watch these movies.

[1:26:37] L. But recently I watched Wild, the Reese Witherspoon movie.

[1:26:42] L. Wild art.

[1:26:43] L. No.

[1:26:44] L. Not the L. Reese Witherspoon.

[1:26:46] L. Not the Laura Dern movie, David Lynch.

[1:26:49] L. Although Laura Dern actually is in Wild, too.

[1:26:52] L. Weird.

[1:26:53] L. But, um, no, I, I'm not necessarily, like, usually a fan of, like, kind of, like, the Vision

[1:26:59] Quest school of movies.

[1:27:03] L. What about Vision Quest?

[1:27:05] L. I've never seen it.

[1:27:06] L. What about Dreamscape?

[1:27:07] L. But, like, these movies where, like, there's been something that happened in someone's life

[1:27:11] and they're going to fix it by going on, like, a big trip.

[1:27:15] L. Your eats, prays, loves, or your into the wilds is, but, uh, there's something about

[1:27:21] wilds that I really.

[1:27:23] L. I think those are probably pretty different movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:27:26] L. But they're, but they're, like, the.

[1:27:27] L. Certainly the endings are different.

Dan McCoy

[1:27:28] L. They are different movies.

[1:27:29] L. They both involve eating.

[1:27:30] L. They're both, they're different movies, but they're similar in that, like, there's

[1:27:33] some sort of, like, personal upheaval that this, like, the main character feels like they're

[1:27:37] going to solve by going on, like, a trip.

[1:27:40] L. On a journey.

[1:27:41] L. On a quest.

[1:27:42] L. Yeah.

[1:27:42] L. On a Vision Quest, if you will.

[1:27:44] L. Like a Lord of the Rings.

[1:27:46] L. And Wild somehow, I feel like, like, sidesteps a lot of those problems by, like, not insisting

[1:27:54] on it that much.

[1:27:56] Like, it's a very low-key movie.

[1:27:58] L. Low-key, isn't it?

[1:28:00] L. No kidding.

[1:28:01] L. No, but.

[1:28:02] L. Like, it really, like, it's staggering how much talk there is.

[1:28:07] L. Just bolder in it.

[1:28:07] L. How much talk there is when I recommend a movie versus either of you two.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:13] L. But no, like, it's.

[1:28:14] L. What about Wotan?

[1:28:15] L. Oh, boy, God.

[1:28:16] L. No, but I agree, Dan.

[1:28:17] L. I saw Wild also, and I thought it avoided a lot of pitfalls of that type of movie.

[1:28:21] L. Partly because.

Dan McCoy

[1:28:22] L. It just doesn't make, it does not insist upon itself.

[1:28:24] L. Like, it's just like, this woman goes on this trip, and like, there are minor epiphanies,

[1:28:30] and, you know, like, you just live with her on it, and it's not a big deal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:28:34] L. She has truly reached rock bottom in her life in a way that justifies a dramatic break

[1:28:40] in the person she was and the person she will be.

[1:28:43] L. But also, yeah, it's not a movie that is trying to get you to wish you were on the trip with that person.

[1:28:48] L. Right.

[1:28:49] L. Which a lot of those are, where you are supposed to be living vicariously through this person's experiences.

[1:28:54] This is your, you're with this person on their trip, but you're never supposed to be like,

[1:28:58] oh, if only I could be there doing that.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:00] L. Right, and you're also like, you're sympathetic with her because, like,

[1:29:03] you're a human being who has empathy for other human beings,

[1:29:06] but you're not, but the movie does not insist that you're, like, supposed to, like,

[1:29:12] believe in this woman as, like, some sort of paragon of anything.

[1:29:16] L. She's not a saint.

[1:29:17] L. Yeah, you're like, she's a fucked up lady who, like, is doing this thing to, like, help herself,

[1:29:23] and it's interesting to watch that happen.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29:25] L. And she, and what she goes through is truly arduous.

[1:29:27] L. And not to undercut your recommendation, but why do you think that the majority of, like,

[1:29:33] critical reception kind of passing by?

[1:29:35] Like, why do you think?

Dan McCoy

[1:29:36] L. Uh, yeah, I don't know.

[1:29:38] L. And it got very good reviews.

[1:29:40] L. It got good reviews.

[1:29:41] L. I just think that, like, for whatever reason, the promotion, like, the advertising for it just

[1:29:45] L. Failed it.

[1:29:47] L. Like, and, uh, I think—

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:48] L. I honestly don't remember seeing any ads for it.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:50] L. Yeah, I did not see it.

[1:29:51] L. Nick Hornby did the adaptation for it.

[1:29:54] L. Yeah, he wrote the script.

[1:29:55] L. And, uh, I think that—

Elliott Kalan

[1:29:57] L. Which is why Hugh Grant is in it.

Dan McCoy

[1:29:58] L. Yeah, but I think that that probably helped it, though,

[1:30:02] because, like, I feel like it has a certain, like, low-key, like,

[1:30:05] charm and wit that a lot of these types of movies don't have.

[1:30:10] L. Uh, so—

[1:30:12] L. There's not a lot—

[1:30:12] L. Even if you think it's not the kind of movie for you,

[1:30:15] I think that you might enjoy it well.

[1:30:16] L. Yeah, it's worth watching.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:19] L. I'm gonna recommend a different movie about people

[1:30:21] on the run from their past,

[1:30:23] L. And on an arduous quest.

[1:30:25] L. And that's a movie that is a pretty goofy movie,

[1:30:28] but not as goofy—

[1:30:28] L. Is it the goofy movie?

[1:30:29] L. It's called the goofy movie.

[1:30:30] L. A goofy movie.

[1:30:32] L. Which is the movie Logan's Run.

[1:30:35] L. Now, when I was a kid, I saw Logan's Run, and I think I saw—

[1:30:40] L. That's Dave Foley's character in News Radio's favorite movie.

[1:30:43] L. Yeah, well, it's not my favorite movie,

[1:30:44] but when I was a kid, I saw it,

[1:30:46] and I must have seen, like, an edited-for-TV version of it

[1:30:48] and thought that that was it.

[1:30:50] L. And I watched it again recently, and it's still—

[1:30:51] L. And you're like,

Dan McCoy

[1:30:52] L. Ginny Agutter is totally new ball.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30:54] L. Well, that's part of it,

[1:30:55] but—

[1:30:55] L. And it's way more appropriate for me to like that

[1:30:57] than it was in Walkabout when she was 16,

[1:31:00] but there's something about it that is very goofy.

[1:31:03] It's a goofy movie,

[1:31:05] mainly because of the 70s fashions.

[1:31:07] L. But at the same time—

[1:31:08] L. But isn't the goofy movie?

[1:31:09] L. But at the same time,

[1:31:10] there's a lot of stuff in it that is genuinely troubling,

[1:31:14] and there are a lot of scenes in it

[1:31:16] that as an adult I found much more effective and disturbing

[1:31:19] than when I was a kid.

Dan McCoy

[1:31:19] L. Yeah, because you're over 30 now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:21] L. Well, maybe that's part of it.

[1:31:22] There's silly stuff in it,

[1:31:23] but like there's this scene—

Stuart Wellington

[1:31:24] L. Like silly strange,

[1:31:25] but is there goofy stuff in it?

Elliott Kalan

[1:31:26] L. But there's something—

[1:31:27] I found it interesting to watch it

[1:31:29] as like this weird last gasp

[1:31:33] of a certain type of science fiction movie

[1:31:34] because the special effects in it are not very good.

[1:31:37] L. Yeah.

[1:31:38] L. But this is one year before Star Wars came out,

[1:31:41] and so it's like watching this movie

[1:31:43] and putting myself in the mindset of someone who

[1:31:46] this is as good as science fiction is going to get

[1:31:48] as far as I'm concerned as a science fiction fan

[1:31:51] in 1976.

[1:31:52] It's a silly movie,

[1:31:53] but it's trying to deal with some kind of ideas

[1:31:55] about society.

[1:31:56] There's some scenes in it that are genuinely

[1:31:58] either disturbing or frightening or exciting,

[1:32:01] but it still looks kind of crappy,

[1:32:03] and not knowing that just around the corner

[1:32:05] is this movie that is not in any way disturbing.

[1:32:07] It's just a great adventure movie,

[1:32:09] but looks a lot better.

[1:32:10] But looking at it through the lens of

[1:32:12] science fiction of 1976,

[1:32:14] I actually enjoyed it a lot.

[1:32:16] There's a lot of stuff in it that goes on too long.

[1:32:19] There's stuff in it that's silly,

[1:32:21] that doesn't make sense.

[1:32:22] The acting in it is not the best.

[1:32:24] There's a lot of things.

[1:32:25] It's kind of like Westworld.

[1:32:26] Kind of.

[1:32:27] I mean, which is a movie I love.

[1:32:28] But it's a movie that is very much of its time,

[1:32:31] but I found really enjoyable to watch.

Dan McCoy

[1:32:34] No, I agree in that.

[1:32:36] I feel like there's something really charming

[1:32:38] about watching a science fiction movie

[1:32:41] that is as much about the time it was made in

[1:32:45] as the time it purports to be about.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:48] Well, like, this is...

[1:32:49] Yeah, I mean, I feel that way when I read

[1:32:51] older science fiction too.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:53] Yeah, I read a lot of 50s and 60s science fiction.

Stuart Wellington

[1:32:57] Like, Stars My Destination and stuff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:32:59] Exactly.

[1:32:59] And it's like the...

[1:33:01] Yeah, Bester stuff especially.

[1:33:02] And it's like about the things that were going on then.

[1:33:05] So, like, Logan's run as a movie by...

[1:33:07] Made by aging studio executives

[1:33:10] about their fears that the world is too obsessed with youth

[1:33:13] is an interesting thing.

[1:33:15] Like, I kept thinking, like,

[1:33:17] all the stars are young in this,

[1:33:19] but the people who made the movie were not young.

[1:33:21] I assume they're all, like, old pros.

[1:33:23] And, like, what was it like to make this movie

[1:33:25] about a world where everybody is under 30

[1:33:27] and no one can live longer than that?

[1:33:30] Like, people were worried that they were getting...

[1:33:32] maybe that this youth culture was going to drive them out.

[1:33:34] Like, there's a lot of...

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:35] It's like that Just in Time movie we watched.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:38] Not exactly.

Stuart Wellington

[1:33:39] Hamburger, steak, etc.

Dan McCoy

[1:33:41] We're worried about how those beetle boots

[1:33:43] are going to, like, ruin everyone's lives.

Elliott Kalan

[1:33:45] And all the mini skirts.

[1:33:46] Once you can get past the truly horrendous special effects

[1:33:50] in the explosion scenes,

[1:33:51] where they're literally just optical processed explosion fireworks

[1:33:56] on top of the shots,

[1:33:57] then there's a lot of neat stuff in it.

[1:34:00] But, yeah, it's a silly movie.

[1:34:01] You've got to watch it half laughing.

[1:34:05] It's got a rainbow on the poster.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:07] One foot on the beach, basically, is what you're saying.

[1:34:10] Yeah, yeah.

[1:34:11] And keep reaching for the stars.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:13] So, somehow, this has become the longest episode ever.

[1:34:17] Well, you know, when you're...

[1:34:17] If you made it this far, you get a merit badge.

[1:34:20] Yeah, gold, like...

[1:34:21] The legend of Oz continues to return.

[1:34:24] Oz is the legend of Curly's gold.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:26] They're not all going to be like this, people.

[1:34:27] Baby the last Oz dinosaur.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:30] Yeah, why?

[1:34:31] How did it get so long, Dan?

[1:34:32] I don't know.

[1:34:34] Magic?

[1:34:35] That's probably it, yeah.

[1:34:36] Oz magic?

[1:34:37] The gathering.

Stuart Wellington

[1:34:38] Wow.

[1:34:40] Somebody tapped a shitload of land cards.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:42] Some fan tapped a bunch of forest mana,

[1:34:45] and suddenly we found the power to do a long episode.

Dan McCoy

[1:34:49] So, we should sign off.

[1:34:50] But for the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:34:52] Hey, I've been Stuart Wellingtown.

Elliott Kalan

[1:34:54] The next episode, Elliot Kalin promises, will be shorter.

[1:34:57] Good night, everyone.

Dan McCoy

[1:35:04] Slammin' Salmon.

[1:35:07] Has anyone ever seen that movie?

[1:35:09] Like, I mean, in the history of the world.

[1:35:11] Oh, okay.

[1:35:12] Like, did that...

[1:35:13] Maybe Elliot.

[1:35:15] No, no.

[1:35:17] Slammin' Salmon.

[1:35:17] Did that make any dollars?

[1:35:20] Was that...

[1:35:21] You're a big...

[1:35:21] People were like, fans of the world.

Stuart Wellington

[1:35:23] Yeah, people...

[1:35:25] There's some people who really like that shit.

[1:35:26] I'm not saying that, like...

Dan McCoy

[1:35:27] I'm not saying that...

[1:35:28] Broken Lizard fans.

[1:35:28] Look, I'm not saying that Broken Lizard hasn't done some fine work.

[1:35:31] I'm saying, has anyone seen the Slammin' Salmon?

[1:35:34] Somebody has seen it.

[1:35:35] I mean, sure, the editor, when he was working on it, saw it.

[1:35:37] Sure.

[1:35:37] Whoever did the color correction.

[1:35:39] I mean, you know, they had to pluck his eyes out first.

[1:35:42] Like, Jay Chandraskar has become a very great television comedy director.

[1:35:48] I'm not casting a Spursion.

[1:35:50] I'm just saying...

[1:35:51] Yeah.

[1:35:52] I'm just...

[1:35:52] I don't believe that anyone has seen Slammin'.

[1:35:54] I was talking to a woman who was...

[1:35:56] This is a weird conspiracy for you to try to unlock.

[1:36:00] It's a weird place for me to, like, dig in, you think?

[1:36:02] Like, a weird place for me to plant my flag?

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:04] Yeah, this is your hill to die on.

[1:36:05] Yeah.

[1:36:07] Where an army's of Broken Lizard devotees come and try and take the hill from you.

Dan McCoy

[1:36:12] Again, not saying, like, talented guys, not saying anything against...

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:14] I was talking to a woman who was an extra on Beer Fest.

[1:36:18] Uh-huh.

[1:36:19] And she was complaining that she didn't know what was worse,

[1:36:23] either the constant pressure to have her take her top off in the scenes,

[1:36:27] or the fact that she had to sit around drinking lukewarm, non-alcoholic beer.

[1:36:31] Uh-huh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:33] Wait, so what was the problem?

[1:36:34] Uh...

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:36] The salmon wasn't Slammin'.

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:38] If those things were not the problem...

[1:36:39] Wait, saying those were the problem?

[1:36:40] Those were the problem.

[1:36:41] Oh, okay, that makes sense.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36:43] And she was complaining about how the Slammin' Salmon doesn't exist,

[1:36:47] and nobody's ever seen it.

[1:36:48] Yeah, it's weird, right?

Dan McCoy

[1:36:50] What is the Slammin' Salmon?

Elliott Kalan

[1:36:52] It's a Salmon that's Slammin'.

[1:36:54] What's not to understand about that?

Dan McCoy

[1:36:56] Is it like...

[1:36:56] I mean, it's in the title.

[1:36:57] Is it like you go to a restaurant and you're like,

[1:36:59] please, try the Slammin'.

[1:37:01] It's Slammin'.

[1:37:02] It's Slammin'.

[1:37:02] I have a question, Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[1:37:04] Did we watch the movie Slammin' Salmon today?

[1:37:06] Because why are we talking about it?

[1:37:07] We did not.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:09] Because it's stuck in my head.

[1:37:11] It's one of those movies that I've never seen and never will see,

[1:37:16] but the title will stay in my head forever.

[1:37:19] Okay.

[1:37:20] Like, uh...

[1:37:21] Like those magnificent men and their flying machines?

[1:37:23] Yeah, or, uh...

[1:37:25] That, what was that?

[1:37:26] Fucking, uh...

[1:37:27] Bingo Longs traveling all-stars or something like that?

[1:37:30] Like...

Jordan Morris

[1:37:30] Hi, everybody.

[1:37:32] I'm Justin McElroy.

Dan McCoy

[1:37:33] I'm Travis McElroy.

Jordan Morris

[1:37:34] I'm Griffin McElroy.

[1:37:35] And we host the first podcast ever made,

[1:37:37] My Brother, My Brother and Me.

[1:37:39] Every Monday, we put out the first ever advice comedy podcast ever.

[1:37:42] They found our podcast on Dead Sea Scrolls.

[1:37:45] We're the Hammurabi code of podcasts,

[1:37:47] and we're ready to entertain you with jokes

[1:37:48] that we invented the first jokes.

[1:37:51] So join us every Monday on MaximumFun.org.

[1:37:53] You'll never crack our code, Dan Brown.

[1:37:55] Just try me.

[1:37:56] It's history in the making.

[1:37:57] And in the faking.

[1:37:58] And it's all yours for the taking.

Episode #172 - Dorothy's Return

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