Ep. #173 - Transcendence

Dan McCoy

[0:00] In this episode, we watched a little movie called Transcendence.

[0:06] Little movie?

[0:07] It was actually medium-sized.

[0:10] I mean, it was pretty long.

[0:11] Okay.

Stuart Wellington

[0:12] Thanks, guys.

[0:14] Nailed it.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:43] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:44] Hey, Dan.

[0:44] Great opening.

Elliott Kalan

[0:45] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:47] Hey, guys.

[0:47] You're doing a bang-up job so far.

[0:49] I'm Elliot, and I think we're on a super...

[0:53] What?

[0:54] ...road.

[0:55] We're on a super road.

[0:57] To nowhere.

Dan McCoy

[0:58] Wait, Dan, did you say your full...

[0:59] Called Route 66 by some.

[1:01] I said my full name.

[1:02] You didn't say your full name.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03] I think you just said Stuart.

[1:05] No.

Dan McCoy

[1:05] I said Dan McCoy.

[1:07] You said Stuart Wellington, and you said I'm Elliot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09] Oh, Kalen is the last name.

[1:11] I remember very clearly.

[1:12] Great job, Dan.

[1:13] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:15] I'm Elliot Kalen.

[1:16] All right.

[1:17] Great job, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:19] We're a little stupider than normal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:22] Weirdly, we watched a movie about man increasing his intelligence through computers, and it made

[1:26] us dumber.

[1:27] It made us way dumber.

Stuart Wellington

[1:29] Yep.

[1:29] Like Dumb and Dumber 2.

[1:32] I mean, I'm assuming that's dumber than the original.

[1:34] I haven't seen either of them now.

[1:36] The dumbness quotient.

[1:37] Just joking.

[1:38] I saw the first one.

[1:40] There's going to be a weird hill to stand on.

Elliott Kalan

[1:42] So we should be...

[1:43] I don't know if you want to defend that statement that you had never seen Dumb and Dumber.

Dan McCoy

[1:46] Should we start over, or...

[1:48] No, let's keep going.

[1:48] Just keep going.

[1:49] Look.

[1:49] We can't look backwards.

[1:51] This podcast...

[1:51] We only go forward.

[1:52] There's no brakes on this car.

[1:53] It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie, and we talk about it.

[1:57] And in this case, the bad movie that we watched was titled Transcendence.

Elliott Kalan

[2:02] And let me tell you guys, I found it transcendently stupid.

[2:07] Whoa.

[2:08] Turn around.

[2:09] Super burn.

[2:10] High five.

Elliott Kalan

[2:10] High five.

[2:10] Take that, critics.

[2:11] Slap.

[2:12] Slap.

[2:12] 100 points.

[2:13] Super excellent.

[2:14] Awesome power.

[2:16] You have unlocked the secret of great...

Dan McCoy

[2:20] It was directed by Wally Feister.

[2:23] Fister.

[2:24] Fister.

[2:25] Fister.

[2:25] That sounds dirty.

Stuart Wellington

[2:27] Mm-hmm.

[2:27] Just like Wally sounds dirty to certain people.

Elliott Kalan

[2:31] It's someone who sticks their fist into the butt of the cute robot from the Pixar movie

[2:36] Wally.

[2:36] Right.

[2:37] Wally Fister.

Stuart Wellington

[2:38] And it's...

[2:39] Wait a minute.

[2:39] I thought...

[2:40] He has like a front butt, right?

[2:41] Because he squirts out little trash cubes?

[2:44] Yeah, yeah.

[2:44] You stick your fist in his front.

Dan McCoy

[2:46] And it's spelled with a PF, so it looks like Pfizer, but it's Fister.

Elliott Kalan

[2:50] I mean, if you only read the first three letters of the name, it looks like Pfizer.

[2:54] But once you hit the S that's not a Z...

[2:56] Then you're like...

[2:57] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[2:57] Hold on a second.

[2:58] It's a different word.

[2:59] Hold on.

[2:59] I'll keep reading.

[2:59] What am I doing?

[3:00] Am I watching a movie?

[3:02] I don't know.

[3:02] Let's see how this is happening.

[3:03] Let's see how this turns out.

[3:04] Yeah.

[3:05] I like the idea that you read every word slowly, letter by letter.

[3:09] Yeah, and I always try to predict what's going to happen.

Dan McCoy

[3:11] Just pick up a book here.

[3:12] Sometimes I'm confirmed.

Elliott Kalan

[3:13] Sometimes I'm puzzling with surprise.

[3:14] C-A-C-A.

[3:16] So it's probably something about cars.

[3:17] No, an L.

[3:18] Then another L.

[3:19] Call.

[3:20] Interesting.

[3:21] A callow gentleman.

[3:22] Oh, nope.

[3:22] Space.

[3:22] The word has ended.

[3:23] Call is the first word.

[3:25] Okay.

[3:26] M.

[3:26] Call mother.

[3:27] I think that's what...

[3:28] No, an E.

[3:28] Okay.

[3:29] And another space.

[3:29] Call me.

[3:30] Great.

[3:31] This book is really revving it up.

[3:33] I mean...

[3:34] I can't wait to finish reading...

[3:35] What is this?

[3:36] M.

[3:36] O.

[3:37] Modus operandi.

[3:38] Nope.

[3:38] A B.

[3:39] Something about the mob.

[3:40] Wait, a Y.

[3:41] Moby, the musician, I assume.

[3:43] A space.

[3:43] Yes, that fits that theory.

[3:45] Moby.

[3:45] Nope.

[3:46] A D.

[3:46] Hold on.

[3:47] Moby died.

[3:48] Where's this going?

[3:49] Because there's a D.

[3:49] I.

[3:50] Oh, no.

[3:50] A C.

[3:51] Moby space D.

[3:52] I assume it's about Deke, the old animation studio that made kids cartoons.

[3:57] Nope.

[3:57] A K.

[3:58] And okay.

[3:59] Is it about someone named Dickerman?

[4:01] No, no, no.

[4:01] Okay.

[4:02] Another space.

[4:03] Moby Dick, it's called.

[4:04] Well, on to the next word.

[4:06] B.

[4:06] Okay.

[4:07] Could be anything.

[4:08] Y.

[4:09] Okay, bye.

[4:10] And after that is some more letters.

Dan McCoy

[4:12] I mean, the funny thing about that is like, I don't think that's entirely inaccurate about

[4:17] the way that reading works.

[4:19] It just happens at such a fast.

[4:21] It happens so much faster than you did it with Wally Pfister's name.

[4:26] I mean, I just.

Elliott Kalan

[4:27] Okay, it starts with a P.

[4:29] Okay.

[4:29] Wait, an F.

[4:30] That's the next letter.

[4:31] That was all I was saying.

[4:33] So Wally Pfister is best known as a cinematographer.

[4:36] Yeah, for Christopher Nolan.

[4:38] He worked on many other movies too, but he's best known for his movies for Christopher Nolan,

[4:43] director of the Bratman films.

[4:45] The appearance of Mo'Gran Freeman.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] He made that movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:50] Mo'Gran Freeman.

[4:51] And of course.

[4:52] He made that movie Intercepty.

Stuart Wellington

[4:53] Yeah, Killian.

Elliott Kalan

[4:54] He made Inscription.

[4:56] He made.

[4:59] The Prestigious.

[5:01] Prestigious.

[5:02] I don't know if he worked on Momentum or the Frohoming.

Stuart Wellington

[5:08] Insomniac.

Elliott Kalan

[5:11] Insomniac.

Dan McCoy

[5:12] Yeah, that David Tell movie.

[5:14] Interstell nerds.

[5:17] But he's a big shot director in Hollywood.

[5:20] The Dark Knight Pfizers.

Elliott Kalan

[5:22] That's the one where Batman has an erection that lasts more than four hours, and he beats

[5:25] a villain to death with it.

Stuart Wellington

[5:28] Wow.

[5:29] That version of Batman not only is way more pornographic, but also kills people.

Elliott Kalan

[5:34] He's different.

[5:35] Look, it's not the boner Gotham wants, but it's the boner Gotham deserves.

[5:43] So, Wally Pfister's a cinematographer, and does he have good storytelling skills in this

[5:48] movie?

[5:49] Is it the script's problem?

Dan McCoy

[5:50] Well, that's...

[5:51] I mean, that's a question.

[5:52] This is a blacklist script, Elliot.

[5:54] That's a question for the ages.

[5:55] Yeah, James Spader wrote it.

[5:56] Was this movie, was it Wally Pfister, or was it the screenwriter?

[6:01] Because there's a...

Elliott Kalan

[6:01] There's a...

[6:03] It's not a good movie.

[6:04] No, it's not a good movie.

[6:05] And it is anchored by one of...

[6:07] Maybe the laziest Johnny Depp performance I've ever seen, where it's like he is channeling

[6:11] Marlon Brando at his worst.

[6:13] Like, Johnny Depp always wanted to be Marlon Brando.

[6:16] Here he is, lazy, fat, apocalypse now Marlon Brando, where he didn't show up having read

[6:21] the lines or even gotten into shape, and he's just kind of mumbling in a dark room while

[6:25] a light plays on him.

[6:27] There are times...

Stuart Wellington

[6:28] He probably is wearing sweatpants most of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:30] Yeah.

[6:31] He's either wearing sweatpants or he's just standing looking into a camera speaking lines.

Stuart Wellington

[6:34] Or some kind of like...

[6:35] The kind of pants that like a genie would wear.

Elliott Kalan

[6:38] He spends a lot of the movie in bed.

[6:40] But this also...

[6:40] But also, he's got an accent in the movie that is totally unplaceable.

Dan McCoy

[6:45] Yeah.

[6:45] It might be British.

[6:47] It might be just mumbles.

[6:48] We don't know.

[6:49] But the thing is about this movie, Johnny Depp is playing a quote-unquote normal character.

[6:56] And for Johnny Depp, normal character means guy who was uploaded into a computer and is

[7:00] a computer guy.

[7:01] But that even being the case...

Stuart Wellington

[7:03] Yeah, average Joe.

Dan McCoy

[7:04] Like, he seems so uninterested in it.

[7:08] Like, Johnny Depp would rather be playing, you know, the fucking Mad Hatter with a Scottish

[7:14] accent for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[7:14] Look, if he doesn't have a crazy voice and like a shitload of pancake makeup on his face...

[7:18] He doesn't give a shit about what he's doing.

[7:19] He doesn't even get out of bed unless there's a prosthetic nose attached.

Stuart Wellington

[7:23] I almost didn't recognize it was Johnny Depp because he's not wearing like a...

[7:26] Mordecai mustache.

[7:27] He's not wearing like a three-tiered hat in this movie.

Dan McCoy

[7:30] Like a bright yellow waistcoat.

[7:32] Yeah, you were like, there are no scarves to be seen on this man.

[7:35] Exactly.

[7:37] But yeah, this is a science fiction movie.

[7:40] That explains the lack of scarves.

[7:42] Now, what's...

Elliott Kalan

[7:42] Now, yeah, because scarves don't exist in the science fiction universe.

[7:45] Don't need them.

Dan McCoy

[7:45] This is a movie that's based in science, but it's fiction.

[7:48] Now, what is science fiction?

[7:49] Yeah, is it...

[7:49] It is...

[7:50] I'm not familiar with the term.

[7:51] It's speculative.

[7:53] It is speculative about...

[7:54] It's got a speculum in it.

[7:55] Okay.

[7:56] How science could be applied to the fictional worlds.

[8:00] So this movie begins in like...

[8:02] I don't think this...

Stuart Wellington

[8:04] This movie begins on like Cybertron or something.

[8:07] Yeah.

[8:07] Transformers are fighting the...

[8:09] They're fighting the...

[8:10] The megabots.

[8:11] The megaswords.

[8:12] The megabots.

Elliott Kalan

[8:14] Which are just big bots.

[8:16] Yeah.

[8:17] They're bigger than average bots.

Dan McCoy

[8:20] The average bots are another race.

[8:22] More bots than meets the eye.

[8:24] The more bots are the really morbid robots.

Elliott Kalan

[8:28] In the new movie, Transformers 5, lots of bots.

[8:32] So many bots.

[8:34] Too many bots.

[8:35] Bots aplenty, it's called.

[8:36] Bots a-poppin'.

[8:37] Transformers 6, bots a-poppin'.

[8:41] Olsen and Botts.

[8:42] Hands on hot bots.

[8:45] So let's talk about this movie.

[8:47] Match Bots 20.

[8:48] Let's talk about this movie.

[8:49] So it starts off in a world strangely like our own,

[8:53] except computers are used as like doorstops,

[8:55] and electricity seems to have fled the earth.

[8:58] We're in Berkeley, California.

[9:00] That's right.

[9:01] The Berkeley, California.

[9:02] That's Silicon Valley.

[9:04] Not really.

Dan McCoy

[9:07] You're wrong in multiple ways.

Elliott Kalan

[9:10] Silicon Valley.

[9:11] No, I just met Berkeley is home of the Silicon.

[9:16] It's a new kind of ice cream cone made out of gummy.

[9:19] Very hard to hold.

[9:21] Yeah.

[9:21] Very sticky.

[9:23] So all the electricity has disappeared,

[9:25] and that means that cue Paul Bettany to walk in

[9:28] and give us a little voiceover narration

[9:30] that electricity is available in some cities, they think,

[9:34] but none here,

[9:34] and it's all because of the work of his old pal,

[9:37] Jonathan Depp.

[9:38] Let's flashback five years earlier.

[9:40] Okay.

[9:40] Johnson Deppson is a computer scientist.

[9:43] He's kind of like-

[9:44] Totally normal human.

[9:45] Yeah.

[9:45] Totally normal mumbly Joe guy with a mustache and glasses

[9:48] and just walking around.

Stuart Wellington

[9:50] With a real plain Jane wife?

[9:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:53] Partner?

[9:53] Yeah, and who plays this wife?

Dan McCoy

[9:55] Rebecca Hall, who, as Elliot pointed out,

[9:58] is often postulated in movies as an ordinary lady.

Elliott Kalan

[10:04] She's like a sensible alternative.

[10:06] Like in Vicky Cristina Barcelona,

[10:08] she is the friend who's not as sexy in the movie,

Dan McCoy

[10:12] as Scar Jo.

[10:14] Scar Jo.

Elliott Kalan

[10:14] And please give,

[10:15] she is Amanda Peet's Doughty sister.

Dan McCoy

[10:17] She is a beautiful woman.

[10:19] All this ignores the fact

[10:20] that she is a ridiculously gorgeous human.

[10:22] This is like a-

[10:23] She just needs to work on her posture, you know?

Stuart Wellington

[10:25] She does have bad posture.

[10:27] Put a book on her head or something.

Elliott Kalan

[10:28] It is a zookeeper level of,

[10:30] in other movies, not in this one,

[10:32] but in other movies,

[10:33] a zookeeper level of pretending

[10:34] a beautiful woman is not noticeable.

[10:37] Like how it takes Kevin James half the movie

[10:39] to realize Rosario Dawson is gorgeous.

[10:42] Doesn't make sense.

[10:43] Anyway.

[10:43] Maybe he's too busy-

[10:44] Cuban miracle, Rosario Dawson.

[10:47] The Cuban miracle is that they've been able

[10:48] to keep an economy sustained for 60 years

[10:50] with our embargo.

[10:51] Yeah.

[10:52] Wait, who?

[10:54] Or 50 years, let's say.

Stuart Wellington

[10:55] The Flophouse has an embargo on Cuba.

[10:57] Yeah.

[10:57] Oh.

[10:58] They can't listen to us there.

[10:59] Yep.

[11:00] Until they give us more of their delicious sandwiches.

[11:01] Cuba represented by Rosario Dawson?

Dan McCoy

[11:04] Is she Cuban?

[11:06] That's what's confusing me.

[11:08] I don't know why.

Stuart Wellington

[11:09] You called her the Cuban miracle.

[11:11] Yo.

[11:12] No, I said-

[11:13] It's your fault.

[11:13] I said human miracle.

[11:15] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[11:16] Well, we both heard Cuban.

[11:19] And I'm like-

[11:19] No, the Cuban miracle is the Cuban sandwich.

[11:21] At first I was like-

[11:22] She's not-

[11:22] Which is one of the top sandwiches.

Stuart Wellington

[11:23] She's not related to Mark Cuban, one of the different-

[11:26] One of the sharks from the Shark Tank.

Elliott Kalan

[11:30] Dan, the Cuban sandwich is the top sandwich.

[11:32] I don't-

[11:32] I mean, the Reuben sandwich.

[11:34] The Reuben is a shit sandwich.

[11:36] What?

[11:37] No good.

[11:37] My friend, you are wrong.

[11:39] No good.

[11:40] Kill the podcast.

[11:41] We're not talking about movies anymore.

[11:42] We're talking about sandwiches.

[11:42] Now, wrong Dan.

[11:43] As a human and as a Jewish man.

[11:45] As a Cuban?

Dan McCoy

[11:46] As you should-

[11:48] You should understand the charms of a nice smoked meat sandwich on Rye.

[11:53] I love smoked meat sandwich on Rye.

[11:55] Sauerkraut.

[11:56] Don't prefer the Reuben.

[11:57] You got some cheese melted on there.

[11:59] I don't like that.

[11:59] It's more like what, Thousand Island or something when you put on that shit?

[12:01] Yeah, you got Thousand Island Dressin.

[12:03] Okay.

[12:04] So, it's the-

[12:05] And live and zany sandwiches.

[12:07] My friend.

Elliott Kalan

[12:08] Hey, if your sandwich is feeling a little down in the dumps, throw some Thousand Island on there.

[12:12] Yeah.

[12:13] Eat the secret ingredient.

[12:14] Every drop has a thousand islands in it.

[12:17] Okay.

[12:19] Actually, islands are running out across the globe.

Dan McCoy

[12:22] It is the most expensive sauce there is.

Stuart Wellington

[12:25] Because there are one thousand islands.

[12:27] One, it's a dressing.

[12:28] It's a dressing, which is different than a sauce.

[12:29] It's not one of the original sauces.

[12:31] Yeah.

[12:31] You can buy some French saucier.

Dan McCoy

[12:35] Oh, you're saying it's not a bechamel.

[12:36] Yes.

[12:37] It's not that.

[12:38] It's not a-

[12:38] What's that?

[12:39] Cheese?

[12:39] Cheese sauce?

[12:40] I don't know what that means.

[12:41] It's like milk and butter.

[12:44] I was right.

[12:45] And the flour.

[12:46] So we begin-

[12:47] What is this podcast about?

[12:48] It's a cooking podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[12:48] So five years earlier, Johnny Depp is a scientist.

[12:51] He's married to Rebecca Hall.

[12:52] He's interested in creating a sentient AI that will have a soul and answer all of life's

[12:57] questions.

[12:58] And she's interested in how to use technology to clean up the earth and make it better.

[13:02] A disturbed Lucas Haas.

Stuart Wellington

[13:04] It's a real opposite of the track situation.

[13:06] Yeah.

[13:07] She's the Paul Abdul to his MC Scat-

Elliott Kalan

[13:10] To his doctor professor Scat-

[13:12] Slightly different goals.

[13:13] Yep.

[13:14] A disturbed Lucas Haas in the audience demands to know-

[13:18] Which, I mean, that's good casting.

Stuart Wellington

[13:22] But I think this is one of the first chances that we see that Wally Pfister is really pulling

[13:27] pulling on his Nolan cred to get Lucas Haas in there.

[13:33] Then he gets Morgan Freeman.

[13:34] What was Lucas Haas in?

[13:35] He was in Inception.

[13:37] That's mother shit.

[13:38] Yeah, yeah.

[13:39] He was in Inception.

[13:39] He's the guy in the beginning who gets taken away by Ken Watanabe's goons.

Elliott Kalan

[13:46] Oh, yeah.

[13:47] I think I remember.

[13:48] I haven't seen it in that movie since it came out.

Stuart Wellington

[13:51] Okay.

[13:52] But we see a cast of actors.

Elliott Kalan

[13:54] It's got Leonardo da Vinciaprio in it, right?

[13:56] Yeah.

[13:57] That's Leonardo da Vinciaprio and Leonardo da Vinciaprio in one person.

Stuart Wellington

[13:59] No, but in this movie, so it's got Morgan Freeman.

[14:02] Yeah, Morgan Freeman.

[14:02] Killian Murphy.

[14:03] Killian Murphy.

Elliott Kalan

[14:05] Yeah, Morgana the Kissing Bandit Freeman.

[14:08] And Lucas Haas accuses him of wanting to create a god.

[14:12] And then later in a hallway, shoots him with a bullet.

[14:16] Meanwhile, at the same time-

Stuart Wellington

[14:18] Instead of with a camera-

[14:20] Is it like a special bullet?

Dan McCoy

[14:22] It does turn out to be a special bullet.

[14:24] It was a bullet covered with Johnny Depp killing points.

[14:27] Or is it?

Stuart Wellington

[14:27] Well, it turns out that it was.

[14:29] Is it one of those cartoon bullets from moving Roger Rabbit?

Elliott Kalan

[14:32] Yeah, and it zooms by the camera and goes,

[14:34] Yeah!

[14:36] As it's going.

Dan McCoy

[14:37] Like R2-D2?

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] There's a little R2-D2 that he shoves in a gun.

[14:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[14:43] Yeah, so-

[14:43] Boop, boop, boop.

Elliott Kalan

[14:44] Wow!

[14:45] Yeah, I know, R2.

[14:46] I'm going to shoot you at that guy.

[14:49] So, at the same time, terrorists blow up a bunch of computer labs.

[14:53] It turns out they're part of something called Rift, which is like repulse invading for technology or something like that.

[15:00] Sure.

[15:01] Rejections in fear of fucking technology.

[15:04] Yeah.

[15:05] Anyway, they're anti-AI zealots.

[15:09] And it turns out the bullet they shot Johnny Depp with was coated in polonium.

[15:13] So he starts dying of radiation poisoning.

[15:16] He was working on a big supercomputer called PIN that can talk in a kind of a Sigourney Weaver-ish voice that I think was Sigourney Weaver.

[15:23] Polonium's named after Bill Pullman, right?

Dan McCoy

[15:26] No, and it doesn't make any sense.

[15:27] Two things are like, yeah, but so Rebecca Hall's like, how do I fix this?

[15:34] Oh, I know, I'll upload my husband into a computer.

[15:37] Yeah.

[15:38] Her husband?

[15:38] I can't save his body.

Stuart Wellington

[15:39] So I'll save his brain.

[15:41] We missed some of the early parts of this movie where they explain relationships.

[15:45] No, they're married.

[15:46] They're not in some kind of weird polygamous relationship with Paul Bettany?

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] No, Paul Bettany is just the hanger-on third-wheel friend.

Stuart Wellington

[15:52] But what about Morgan Freeman?

Elliott Kalan

[15:53] Morgan Freeman is an old man who should not be in this movie.

[15:57] He has literally no character role in this that makes any sense or is necessary.

[16:01] Okay, who's Killian Murphy?

[16:02] Except to stand around.

[16:03] Killian Murphy is a government representative.

[16:05] He works for the FBI or something.

[16:07] Okay.

[16:07] And for some reason the government really wants to see this artificial intelligence technology continue,

[16:13] and then they don't at the end later.

[16:14] But Morgan Freeman is around mainly to just talk to people and witness things.

[16:20] It almost feels like he just showed up on set one day and was like,

[16:24] well, I'm in the movie.

[16:25] Get me my costume.

[16:26] Write me a part.

[16:27] And they're like, uh...

[16:28] Whatever you're wearing is fine.

[16:31] Just keep that on.

[16:32] Morgan Freeman didn't take his medication.

[16:33] Just play along with his psychosis.

Dan McCoy

[16:36] He thinks he's in the movie.

[16:37] He's having some sort of Last Vegas.

[16:39] Look, you've got a minute in here.

Elliott Kalan

[16:41] That's how he probably ended up in Last Vegas, too.

[16:44] It was in my bucket list to be in a movie about transcending.

[16:48] What character is this voice coming from?

[16:50] It doesn't sound like Morgan Freeman, that's for sure.

[16:54] All my voices eventually become Sean Connery anyway.

[16:58] So they upload his brain to a computer.

[17:02] At first they don't think it worked, and then it does, and he's like, hey.

[17:07] And there's this kind of primitive...

[17:08] He's like, hey, sup?

[17:10] Hey, girl.

[17:12] You up?

[17:13] Just because I'm a computer doesn't mean I don't appreciate you for who you are.

Dan McCoy

[17:15] He's like, hey, bae.

[17:17] Hey, bae.

[17:18] Hey, boo.

[17:21] We could be all like this.

[17:22] But you playing.

[17:24] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] Playing video games on my computer.

[17:27] Stop it so I can talk to you.

[17:28] Sure.

[17:28] Stop grabbing my joystick.

[17:30] He instantly is like, hey, Evelyn, Rebecca Hall's character,

[17:33] plug me into the internet so I can talk to every computer that has money or power,

[17:38] and she's like, oh, okay.

[17:39] You got it.

[17:40] That makes perfect sense.

[17:41] I'm just a girl.

[17:42] And Paul Bettany's like, don't do that.

[17:44] That sounds evil.

[17:45] And she says, get out, and does it anyway.

[17:47] Yeah.

[17:48] These...

[17:49] Because of love.

[17:50] The Johnny Depp gives her 90 million billion dollars in the computer world,

[17:55] and she goes on the run while these anti-technology terrorists kidnap Paul Bettany

[18:00] and beat him up a lot and ask him to help them stop the computers.

[18:05] Meanwhile, Rebecca Hall and Johnny Depp computer face...

Dan McCoy

[18:09] Basically, like, buy a town out from the desert.

Elliott Kalan

[18:11] Yeah, they buy a town just like Kim Basinger did that one time,

[18:14] and they turn it into a technological experimental utopia

[18:18] where people who get injured or were born with defects are fixed through nanobots.

[18:24] Because Johnny Depp being a computer has accelerated the development of technology

[18:28] by a million percent,

[18:29] and now there's nanobots flying around fixing people's eyes and shit

[18:33] and making people super strong as they can lift up pipes.

[18:36] Yeah, like floating up from the ground.

[18:37] Yeah, there's just tendrils of nanobots floating around.

[18:39] The government, they don't like he.

[18:41] Yeah.

[18:42] They're afraid.

[18:42] And so they, like, team up with the terrorists

[18:46] or are just kind of using the terrorists as a front to attack the town.

[18:49] It's all so unclear.

[18:50] It gets really boring.

[18:52] It gets too boring to pay attention to

[18:54] until eventually Paul Bettany's thrown in with the anti-technology guys.

[18:59] The government wants to throw out Johnny Depp from the earth and...

Dan McCoy

[19:03] Just scoop him up and shoot him into the sun.

Elliott Kalan

[19:08] Well, it's as good...

[19:08] Put him in the phantom zone.

Stuart Wellington

[19:09] It's as good a solution as they come up with.

[19:11] Isn't that what happens to the nanobot guy and, like, Tom Strong or something?

Elliott Kalan

[19:14] Tom Strong, he sends it to another planet.

[19:16] The modular man goes to another planet that he can take over for himself.

[19:19] Oh, the modular man.

Dan McCoy

[19:20] He could be a desk.

[19:21] He could be an end table.

[19:23] Yeah.

[19:23] You know, he could put plants on him.

Stuart Wellington

[19:26] It's great.

[19:26] He could fit whatever your lifestyle demands.

[19:28] Yeah, I love that guy.

[19:30] Very useful.

Elliott Kalan

[19:32] But what...

[19:33] Better than the mod jeweler man

[19:35] who just makes kind of, like,

[19:36] British swinging 60s themed jewelry.

[19:38] But the mint julep man, though,

Dan McCoy

[19:40] I like that guy.

Elliott Kalan

[19:42] The mint julep man is less of a villain

Dan McCoy

[19:43] and more of a food service industry mainstay.

[19:47] Yeah, he just shows up with a nice julep when you're...

Stuart Wellington

[19:49] Wait, he just shows up?

[19:50] He doesn't have, like, a card or anything?

Dan McCoy

[19:53] No, he just appears.

[19:54] Yeah, he just appears out of a fucking pump of smoke.

Elliott Kalan

[19:57] He's a magic mint mirror.

Dan McCoy

[19:59] You say he doesn't have a card or he doesn't have a cart?

[20:02] I said a cart.

[20:03] No, he lives in...

Stuart Wellington

[20:04] No, you fucking turn the lights off, look in the mirror and say,

[20:06] I want a mint julep, please.

[20:08] And he squirts out of the faucet.

Elliott Kalan

[20:09] He shows up with his handlebar mustache

[20:11] and those garters around his arms that they wear.

[20:14] You know, those straps.

[20:16] He lives inside of some woman's derby hat.

Stuart Wellington

[20:18] Lives in the hearts of Louisvillian teenagers everywhere.

[20:23] He lives in a pewter cup.

Elliott Kalan

[20:26] And if you find it, he owes you two wishes.

[20:29] One of them has to be for mint juleps, though.

Dan McCoy

[20:32] Yeah, you're a contractually obligated.

[20:33] And the other one has to be for a mint julep accessory of some kind.

[20:36] Yeah.

[20:37] Extra mint or something.

[20:38] Shaved ice.

Stuart Wellington

[20:39] The trick is more wishes count as a mint julep accessory.

[20:45] But you can't wish to know the winner of the next Kentucky Derby.

[20:49] No, no.

[20:49] That's against his rules.

Elliott Kalan

[20:50] No, unless the winner's name is mint julep.

[20:52] Okay.

[20:52] And then you'll never know if he's saying the name of a horse

[20:54] or just the name of the delicious drink that he specializes in.

Stuart Wellington

[20:57] That would be a super patronizing name to name your horse.

[21:01] I name it Derby Winner.

Elliott Kalan

[21:04] The name of my horse is Best Horse.

[21:08] Runs the fastest.

Dan McCoy

[21:10] Yeah, so I don't know what happens.

[21:12] So they go to the town.

[21:13] Explosions or something?

Elliott Kalan

[21:14] Let me explain.

[21:15] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[21:16] The town turns into a forest of solar cells.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] Let's give transcendence the minimal respect it doesn't deserve.

[21:22] So, yeah, it's this.

[21:23] They just build solar cells all over the place to power their computer place.

[21:29] And it turns out Johnny Depp is not just healing people's bodies with his nanobots.

[21:34] He is getting into their brains.

[21:36] And he can control them from afar.

[21:38] From Jafar, even.

[21:39] The villain from Aladdin.

[21:40] And how much better would the movie have been if Johnny Depp was playing Jafar from Aladdin?

[21:45] And you had like a nanobot Gilbert Godfrey Diago parrot flying around?

Dan McCoy

[21:49] I mean, it would be pretty confusing.

[21:51] But I guess I would like it.

Elliott Kalan

[21:52] And it would be a musical.

[21:53] Let's not forget that.

[21:54] Confusical.

[21:56] The most confusing musical ever made.

[21:59] Wait.

[22:00] I think I saw that in a review of Seussical.

[22:02] Why are they married now?

[22:05] Is this happening in the song world?

[22:07] Or is it happening in the real world?

[22:09] Dreams within dreams in Confusical.

[22:14] Characters that change names mid-scene.

Dan McCoy

[22:16] Are they singing about a thing that happens?

[22:19] Or are they singing about their emotions?

[22:20] Or are they singing about the way they feel about their emotions?

Stuart Wellington

[22:24] Did I even buy a ticket?

[22:25] What am I doing here?

[22:26] Am I in bed?

Elliott Kalan

[22:28] The last two songs were just E. Zimbra style nonsense poetry.

[22:32] I don't know what's going on in this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[22:35] The letter said I had to come here to pick up my hot dog.

Elliott Kalan

[22:39] Of course I couldn't let a clue like that go to waste.

[22:43] Time for another adventure.

Dan McCoy

[22:45] Confusical by Julie Tabar and Salvador Dali.

Elliott Kalan

[22:50] It's Salvador Dali.

[22:51] The second hour of the movie is Salvador Dali going,

[22:55] You're confused, right?

Stuart Wellington

[22:56] You're so confused.

Elliott Kalan

[22:58] This is confusing.

[22:59] Be honest.

[23:00] Have you ever seen such a confusing musical?

[23:03] Don't lie.

[23:04] I know you're going to say,

[23:06] I know he's Italian.

[23:08] Salvador Dali.

[23:09] That's part of what's so confusing about it.

[23:11] You know I'm Spanish,

[23:13] but I talk with an Italian accent.

Stuart Wellington

[23:16] It's me, Salvador Dali.

[23:18] I'm so confusing.

Elliott Kalan

[23:20] It's me, Salvador.

[23:23] It's in Super Dali-O Brothers.

[23:26] Salvador Dali-O and his brother Luigi Dali-O have to save the princess who actually is a lobster telephone.

Dan McCoy

[23:34] I mean, I don't know that you can actually surreal up Super Mario Brothers further from where it is at.

[23:41] Sure, just make everybody ants wearing cakes on their head or something.

[23:44] A bunch of mushrooms and turtles kidnap a princess for reasons unknown.

[23:50] Why wouldn't you kidnap a princess?

[23:51] And a plumber has to fix it all through his jumping and pipe going through skills.

Stuart Wellington

[23:56] And if he hits a box with his head, there's a money comes out of it.

[24:00] Yeah, or sometimes he turns into a weird furry character who can fly.

Dan McCoy

[24:03] I mean, that wasn't until the third part, but sure.

Stuart Wellington

[24:06] Are you saying it's non-canon at this point?

Elliott Kalan

[24:08] There's only one non-canon game, and that's Super Mario Brothers 2.

[24:12] Or as it's also known...

[24:13] Doki Doki Panic.

[24:15] Yeah, I guess that is...

[24:16] I was going to say a joke name, but that's the real name.

Dan McCoy

[24:17] No, that's the actual one.

[24:20] So that's our Super Mario cast.

[24:23] So Rebecca Hall...

[24:24] There's probably like five of those out there.

Elliott Kalan

[24:26] So Rebecca Hall becomes afraid of Johnny Depp because he's become too powerful and too inhuman.

[24:32] And he started growing his own body parts.

Stuart Wellington

[24:34] Which is weird because he's not the most human dude on the planet.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] To begin with, yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:39] Her type is clearly weird computer guys.

Elliott Kalan

[24:43] Around the time that he uses his powers to control another man's brain so that he can come on to her and she's creeped out by that, she starts thinking twice.

[24:51] So she leaves...

Stuart Wellington

[24:52] And he didn't even pick like a hunky dude or a dude that she was interested in.

[24:55] No, he wasn't a terrible looking guy.

[24:57] I'm not saying he's gross, but you described him as a...

[25:00] Like Tommy Wiseau before he turns into a vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[25:03] If we can see what Tommy Wiseau looked like before Count Orloth vid him.

[25:08] Yeah, if he's doing a guest spot on fucking Angel or something.

[25:12] Before Count Yorga had his way with Tommy Wiseau, he looked like this guy.

[25:17] Not so bad.

[25:18] So anyway, she shows up with Paul Bettany and the anti-technology people.

[25:26] They've come up with some kind of...

[25:28] She has some...

[25:29] They've...

[25:30] Ah, whatever.

[25:30] They somehow get a sample of an anobot.

[25:32] They build a virus that when uploaded to Johnny Depp will destroy all technology and thus stop him.

[25:39] And she says, put it in me.

[25:41] I'll go in there.

[25:41] He'll try to upload my consciousness and it'll kill me, but it'll get into him.

[25:45] She's like, put it in me.

Stuart Wellington

[25:45] I haven't been with a man in months, I'm assuming.

Elliott Kalan

[25:48] In years, yeah.

[25:49] I'm married to a fucking computer screen.

[25:52] And you thought your family was weird.

Dan McCoy

[25:55] So I guess in the scenario of the virus, like, is a good thing that turns her on?

[26:01] Yeah.

[26:01] Yeah, why not?

Elliott Kalan

[26:03] Okay, all right.

[26:03] Well, she's got this weird kind of David Cronenbergian fetish for the dissolution of the body.

[26:09] Right.

[26:09] You know, like it turns her...

Dan McCoy

[26:10] It's a real existence situation.

Elliott Kalan

[26:12] Whereas most of us are turned on by, like, a healthy human figure.

[26:15] She's turned on by decay or maybe even...

[26:18] Entropy.

[26:19] ...deformity.

[26:19] Yeah.

[26:20] Because it kind of reminds her about the thin line between life and death, and that excites her.

[26:25] And the difference between humanity and cold, unthinking synthetics.

[26:28] Exactly.

[26:29] It makes her realize what's special about us, and therefore, what is to be desired.

Stuart Wellington

[26:35] We're working on some slash flick, by the way.

[26:38] Some transcendence.

[26:39] Between that character and Optimus Prime.

Elliott Kalan

[26:42] We were working on a movie that hopefully we could imagine H.R. Geiger and the director of Tetsuo the Iron Man could collaborate on.

[26:51] So she gets this virus put in her.

[26:55] But it's like the military is like, hey, you know what, let's hedge our bets and just shoot a bunch of mortars at them also.

[27:00] Yeah.

[27:00] And try to blow up his solar panel farm.

Stuart Wellington

[27:02] Yeah, so she gets real shot up.

Elliott Kalan

[27:04] Johnny Depp has...

Stuart Wellington

[27:04] At this point, he's totally created a body for himself, including a handsome waistcoat.

Elliott Kalan

[27:09] A very lovely tailored outfit.

[27:11] As you mentioned, he looks like he walked right out of there will be blood, you know.

Stuart Wellington

[27:17] There might be blood or there's going to be blood.

Elliott Kalan

[27:19] There's a 50% chance of blood.

[27:22] Cloudy with a chance of blood.

[27:23] With a chance of blood balls.

[27:25] So he meets her in his new Johnny Depp body.

[27:31] She gets all blown to pieces.

[27:32] He takes her to his lair, his computer lair to fix her.

[27:36] But he knew the whole time that she had this virus inside her.

[27:39] Yeah.

[27:39] His nanobots picked up on the plan.

[27:41] And so he makes the conscious choice to upload herself into him to get the virus.

[27:47] And in an instant, he accomplishes her dream of cleaning up all the world's oceans and lakes and trees.

[27:54] And then all electricity and technology is destroyed.

Stuart Wellington

[27:58] How great would it have been if a tiny little nanobot would have jumped up on his shoulder and went like...

[28:03] And he would have been like, wait a minute, they're trying to kill me with a virus?

S4

[28:07] Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Stuart Wellington

[28:09] And then like another nanobot jumps up on his other shoulder and starts...

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] You guys can never get along.

[28:16] You're just a couple of rascals and jokers.

[28:20] And so we see at the end, Paul Bettany goes back to their old house, to the garden that we didn't talk about with the sunflowers that we didn't bother to mention.

[28:28] And finds that there is a wire framework around, which was some kind of Faraday cage or something to block out electromagnetic pulses.

[28:37] He notices there are some sunflowers growing there and water's dripping from them.

[28:41] And there are nanobots in the water.

[28:43] He set up a place where his computer self could survive, forever entwined with the computer personality of his beloved Rebecca Hall.

[28:52] So I guess it's kind of a happy ending?

Dan McCoy

[28:55] Yeah, I don't know how to feel about anything that happens in this movie.

[28:59] It's one of the problems.

[29:01] Well, maybe that's the signal that it's good art.

[29:04] I mean, I think that the movie is trying to do that, where you're not supposed to believe.

[29:10] You're supposed to wonder what Johnny Depp's motivations are.

[29:13] I mean, they did that so well that you're wondering what he's saying half the movie because he doesn't talk clearly.

[29:20] Yeah, but it's not a compelling confusion.

[29:25] It's just confusion.

[29:26] And then at the end, you're like, okay, well, a bunch of stuff happened and I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about it.

[29:32] So, great.

[29:33] Thanks, Transcendence.

[29:34] A lot like life.

[29:36] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[29:37] But yeah, the main problem for me is not that it's confusing or I don't care about the characters, but that it was just the cardinal sin of being very dull a lot of the time.

Dan McCoy

[29:46] Well, but part of that is not caring about the characters.

[29:48] Part of that is they introduced, like, there's like eight major characters in this movie and none of them do have any sense of, like, who they really are.

[29:57] Yeah.

[29:58] To the point that we were literally like, okay, so, like, Gillian Murphy and Morgan Freeman are just standing around.

[30:05] They're good actors.

[30:06] They don't even take their fucking sunglasses off.

Elliott Kalan

[30:08] The best part for them, yeah, but they're standing on a roof of a building.

Stuart Wellington

[30:11] In, like, a cloudy day and they will insist on wearing their sunglasses while looking through their fucking binoculars.

Elliott Kalan

[30:17] When they're looking through binoculars.

[30:20] Binocs, yep.

[30:21] There's still the sunglasses on.

[30:23] Binocs.

[30:24] Wow, it's really nighttime over there.

[30:26] It looks really dark where we're looking.

Stuart Wellington

[30:29] Well, one of the problems with the movie is that, like, a lot of times high-minded science stuff doesn't translate very well to movies.

[30:38] Like, the movie opens with Johnny Depp's character giving, I don't know, like a TED Talk or something.

[30:43] And it just sounds so, like, cliched.

[30:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:46] Like a TED Talk.

[30:48] Yeah.

[30:50] You said it, dude.

[30:51] I'm just saying, they've got to dump those things way down.

[30:52] You made some powerful, boring enemies.

Elliott Kalan

[30:56] Did you guys ever read, there was a New Yorker article a while back about this guy planning to do a TED Talk?

Dan McCoy

[31:00] Oh, yeah, where he was like, I've got to have the wow factor.

[31:03] So his wow factor was he just brought a cow on stage.

Elliott Kalan

[31:06] No.

[31:07] It's the same wow factor that you would get at, like, a 4-H competition.

Stuart Wellington

[31:11] The difference is you expect to see a cow at a 4-H competition.

[31:15] Oh, my God.

[31:16] And a cow on a stage, I've never seen such a thing.

Elliott Kalan

[31:18] You're brilliant.

[31:19] Let me give you millions of dollars.

[31:21] Cows are usually in fields.

[31:23] A cow on stage, it must be a great opera singer.

[31:27] Strike up the band.

[31:31] That's an opera?

[31:33] Yeah, sure, dude.

[31:34] Yeah, sure, dude.

Dan McCoy

[31:38] Actually, the cow does have a very good voice, right, cow?

[31:43] Yeah, it would be amazing.

[31:44] I should have picked it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:45] If it was a TED Talk about an opera singing cow.

[31:47] I mean, but that's not much of a TED Talk.

[31:49] That's like the King Kong show, where it's like we're going to a Broadway theater,

[31:53] and then we just look at a gorilla strapped to a metal frame for like an hour.

[31:57] If they grow it and sing, it's just strained against its restraints.

Dan McCoy

[32:02] If Carl Denim had taught King Kong to sing opera, now that's a show.

[32:07] Now that's a show.

Elliott Kalan

[32:08] A show fit for me, Salvador Dali, in Confusical.

Stuart Wellington

[32:15] Yeah, all right.

[32:17] Hey, Kate Mara's in this, guys.

[32:18] Yeah.

[32:19] As a character that doesn't really do anything and doesn't really have a point to be there.

Elliott Kalan

[32:23] Well, she's running that anti-technology terror group.

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] Yeah, but that group doesn't really do anything other than injure him in the first place.

[32:29] She's kind of a hacker.

Dan McCoy

[32:29] She's like, my sister Rooney Mara was the girl with the dragon tattoo.

[32:33] Maybe this is the way that I will, again, overcome as the top Mara.

[32:38] Yeah, Andy Rooney Mara.

[32:39] Top Mara.

Elliott Kalan

[32:40] Why does it have to be a dragon tattoo?

[32:43] What if it was a dragon with a girl tattoo?

[32:46] I've got a tattoo of a girl on my arm that I got during the war.

[32:50] It's not a girl that I know.

[32:52] Just kind of an idealized hula girl.

[32:54] I've never seen anyone actually hula, but on my tattoo it looks pretty good.

[32:59] That's Andy Rooney Mara.

[33:01] Sailor Jerry.

Dan McCoy

[33:04] So, you like the movie?

[33:06] No, let's move to Final Judgments, where we talk about whether it's a good, bad movie,

[33:10] a bad, bad movie, or a movie we actually kind of like.

Stuart Wellington

[33:12] Did you like it when all the nanobots were flying around and making people super strong?

[33:16] I liked none of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:17] I wish that that had been, I didn't like the cubes flying around in Transformers,

[33:21] but I liked that more than the kind of wispy nanobots here.

Stuart Wellington

[33:24] Now, you had a good point when we were watching the movie that it might have been more interesting

[33:28] if the movie just started with, like, people living in this weird, in this little town,

[33:33] and all of a sudden.

Elliott Kalan

[33:34] I think if someone, if we had been dropped into this situation where there's a town in the middle of nowhere

[33:39] where this weird kind of super high-tech lab that nobody knows much about is being set up,

[33:46] and it seems-

[33:46] Maybe employing some local people.

[33:48] Yeah.

[33:49] And it comes out that it's being run by this famous computer scientist who hasn't been seen in a long time,

[33:55] but, like, I guess he's been working on this project or something.

[33:58] And then we eventually find out that he has since died and uploaded his personality into a computer,

[34:05] and the computer is now running in a direction that his work logically goes into,

[34:11] but which is divested of emotion.

Stuart Wellington

[34:13] And maybe one of our main characters gets, like, recruited by this anti-technology terrorist group or something.

Elliott Kalan

[34:20] Yeah, or they're working there, and they get recruited, and at first it seems crazy, but then maybe not.

[34:26] Like, if this movie had more of an element of, like, surprise to it, or more of it,

[34:31] like, I recently finally got to see Edge of Tomorrow, which was a really fun, enjoyable movie,

[34:37] but, like, if that movie didn't have any sort of, like, mystery at the beginning,

[34:42] it would have lost a lot if it was just, like, you knew right from the top everything that was going on, you know?

[34:48] And it's not like it was a mystery that was impenetrable, you know?

[34:51] It's just enough to intrigue you.

[34:53] Like, this needed that, you know?

[34:55] See, I think they thought the mystery of how did the world lose its machines would keep you going,

[35:01] but it's not interesting.

Stuart Wellington

[35:02] The trailer tells you exactly what's going to happen.

[35:04] Johnny Depp's going to become fucking Max Headrom and fuck everybody over.

Elliott Kalan

[35:08] Headrom.

[35:09] Max Headromney.

[35:10] The top rom.

[35:12] So it's like, I wish that it, that the main character was not the scientist,

[35:17] that the main character was someone encountering these people,

[35:19] and that it started you within this weird situation,

[35:23] rather than telling you everything that led up to it.

[35:26] It's like, similar to my problem with the imitation game,

[35:29] where you are, you're told...

[35:31] Too much imitation.

[35:33] Not enough game.

[35:34] This, this, uh, where it's like,

[35:36] we're investigating this guy who had a break-in at his house,

[35:38] but he hasn't report, he doesn't want to report it.

[35:41] Let's find out who this weird guy is.

[35:43] Flashback his entire life up to the point where the police get interested.

[35:47] So by the time you see the police interrogating him,

[35:49] you're like, what the fuck do I give a shit when the police find out?

[35:52] Like, I already know everything.

[35:53] I know his whole story.

[35:53] Why is this guy hassling him?

Stuart Wellington

[35:54] He just fucked a pig on TV.

[35:57] Speaking of which...

Elliott Kalan

[35:58] I think you're confusing two different characters for two different things.

[36:01] I didn't realize until you said that that was the same guy.

[36:04] It's the same guy.

[36:05] Yeah, the policeman is the prime minister who has sex with that pig.

[36:08] PM pigfighter.

Stuart Wellington

[36:10] From Black Myroar.

[36:11] By the way, this movie was like, just a really long, not good,

[36:15] like, this would be the worst episode of Black Mirror.

Elliott Kalan

[36:18] Yes.

[36:18] Yeah, exactly.

[36:20] And this, uh, but it's also one of those movies that is science fiction

[36:23] that is deeply anti-science at its heart.

[36:26] Yeah.

[36:26] That's like, this is all about the power of computers.

[36:29] What could possibly happen?

[36:30] They're evil.

[36:31] Don't do it.

[36:31] You know?

Stuart Wellington

[36:32] Well, that's, and that's what people have said about Black Mirror.

[36:35] What's great about it is not that the technology is, like,

[36:37] totally out of control.

[36:38] It's that it's working fine, and it's just how it impacts humans.

[36:41] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:43] Uh, so that's three bad-bads is how I'm talking about it.

Elliott Kalan

[36:46] I'm going to invent a new rating.

[36:48] Bland bad.

Dan McCoy

[36:50] Uh, yeah, this is one of the most boring.

[36:51] If this had been called Lawnmower Man 2,

Stuart Wellington

[36:54] Lawnmower Man, all the lawns in the universe,

[36:57] I might have thought it was okay.

[37:00] Well, there was a Lawnmower Man 2.

[37:01] What was it called?

[37:03] Cyber Buddies.

[37:07] Flowers for a cybernawn.

[37:09] Lawnmower Man 2, robot in the family.

Elliott Kalan

[37:11] Oh, man, Robot in the family.

[37:13] There's a stupid movie.

[37:15] Lawnmower Man 2 mowing it.

Stuart Wellington

[37:20] The Lawnmower Man just needs to get laid.

Elliott Kalan

[37:24] He goes down to Cyber Tijuana to lose it to Shelley Long.

S4

[37:33] I'm Biz.

[37:34] And I'm Teresa.

[37:35] And we host a comedy podcast about parenting,

[37:37] where we remind you that despite what the internet says,

[37:41] no one really cares what kind of parent you are.

[37:44] One bad mother.

[37:45] We're the friends with kids you want to hang out with.

[37:48] Check us out on iTunes and MaximumFun.org.

Dan McCoy

[37:53] Before we move on, we do have a...

[37:54] Computer Shelley Long.

[37:57] We do have a sponsor tonight.

[37:59] I'd like to just say that the Flophouse is brought to you in part by Squarespace,

[38:05] the all-in-one website platform that makes building your own website simple and easy.

[38:10] If you want to build a website, and you do, because who doesn't want a website?

Elliott Kalan

[38:14] Look, as Transcendence shows us, computers are the future.

[38:18] We're all going to be living in cyberspace eventually, bopping around with bits and bytes,

[38:23] downloading things into our wet brains, living in a Dyson sphere or some shit, economy 2.0.

[38:30] Anyway, the point is Squarespace will help you take that next step into the 21st, 22nd, and so forth centuries.

[38:37] Yeah, that's right.

[38:38] In a way, even us meat puppet organics can understand.

Dan McCoy

[38:41] Squarespace has beautiful templates.

Elliott Kalan

[38:46] The call from X-Fun that's like, can you not use the word flesh bags in your spots anymore?

[38:51] But anyway, it has beautiful templates.

Dan McCoy

[38:53] Yeah, it has integration with Google Apps and Getty Images, so you can get your stock images if you like.

Elliott Kalan

[39:00] You need a picture of Estelle Getty, Squarespace is there.

Dan McCoy

[39:03] Responsive design that maps to whatever you're looking at this on, like a phone, an iPad, or your good old-fashioned laptop.

[39:12] That is not to be underestimated.

[39:13] That is a very important thing.

[39:14] For a free trial and 10% off your first order, go to squarespace.com and enter the code FLOP.

[39:22] Squarespace.

[39:23] Start here.

[39:24] Go anywhere.

[39:26] And while we're at it, I would ask that listeners mark your calendars for the 2015 MaxFunDrive.

[39:35] MaxFunDrive?

[39:36] Yeah, the last two weeks of March are the best time of the year to support your favorite podcast, because beginning...

[39:44] Which is this one.

[39:45] ...on March 16th, we'll be pulling out all the stops, producing some of the best shows of the year on Maximum Fun, with great guests, great topics, offering exclusive thank you gifts.

[39:56] Wait, we're going to have a great guest?

[39:58] I was trying to keep that secret.

[40:00] Okay, we have a great guest.

Elliott Kalan

[40:01] We don't have to say the name of the guest just yet, but we have a great guest coming up.

Dan McCoy

[40:06] Offering exclusive thank you gifts to entice you to become a new, or if you're already a member, an upgrading member of MaximumFun.org.

[40:14] Now, how does this, this is a pledge drive?

[40:16] This is a pledge drive.

[40:17] Now, you might know the pledge drives from your NPR listenings.

[40:22] Or your PBS watchings.

[40:24] But this is better than those, because, I don't know, MaxFun's cooler?

Elliott Kalan

[40:29] Yeah, MaxFun's hipper and cooler.

[40:31] It's got better stuff.

[40:32] It's Maximum Fun for Maximum You.

Stuart Wellington

[40:35] And there's a lot of great podcasts to support over on Maximum Fun.

[40:38] Sure.

[40:38] Us.

[40:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[40:40] Us and others.

[40:43] No, you got...

[40:43] You got Judge John Hodgman.

[40:45] George Jesse Go.

[40:47] You got Bullseye, right?

[40:48] You got Bullseye, right?

[40:48] My Brother and Me.

[40:49] Bullseye, yeah.

[40:51] Adventure Zone.

[40:52] Mm-hmm.

[40:52] You got Wham Bam Pow.

[40:55] You got Sawbones.

[40:57] A lot of stuff.

[40:58] Pop Rocket.

[41:00] All kinds of things.

[41:01] Go over to MaximumFun.org.

[41:02] Bunker Buddies.

[41:03] And take a look.

[41:05] But the MaxFun drive starts on March 16th and runs for two weeks.

[41:09] It's the most exciting time of the year here at Maximum Fun.

Elliott Kalan

[41:12] You said that in a very Nicolas Cage way.

[41:14] So, that's it.

[41:15] It's the most exciting time of the year.

[41:17] It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Dan McCoy

[41:22] That got creepier.

[41:24] It did, yeah.

[41:24] And I spiked the football.

Elliott Kalan

[41:26] So, MaxFun Pledge Drive, March 16th to the end of March.

[41:31] Listen, donate, pledge, watch, and plooge.

[41:36] Won't you?

[41:37] For Maximum Fun for me and you.

[41:40] Gross.

Dan McCoy

[41:42] So, moving on.

[41:44] What's the next part of this show?

[41:45] The next part is where we read letters from listeners.

Stuart Wellington

[41:48] Letters from listeners.

[41:49] Wait, hold on.

Dan McCoy

[41:51] Keep going.

[41:52] I love it.

[41:52] I love the sound.

Stuart Wellington

[41:55] Letter, letter, letter, letters from listeners.

[41:59] You got your letters here.

Elliott Kalan

[42:06] You got your letters there.

[42:08] Hand them in.

[42:09] We'll read them.

[42:10] We're at the Flophouse Mailbag.

[42:13] It's the Flophouse Mailbag.

[42:15] Put your Flophouse letters in the Flophouse Mailbox.

[42:19] Flophouse Postal Service takes it straight to us in the Flophouse Mailbag.

[42:24] It's a bag of mail for the Flophouse.

[42:28] With Dan and Stu and me and you.

[42:34] Flophouse Mailbag.

[42:37] Don't get sad.

[42:38] It's the Flophouse Mailbag.

[42:41] For me and you.

[42:42] For he and who.

[42:44] For she and who.

[42:45] For.

[42:47] Stewart.

Dan McCoy

[42:47] You know what?

[42:48] For God's sake.

[42:50] You know what?

[42:51] Forget it.

[42:52] Song is over.

[42:53] Bring out that opera singing cow.

[42:55] Maybe.

Elliott Kalan

[42:56] Maybe they're used to performing in a barnyard.

[42:58] But I am not.

Stuart Wellington

[43:00] I got them to stop singing, Dan.

[43:02] By any means necessary.

[43:04] So the first letter.

Dan McCoy

[43:05] Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme.

[43:07] The first letter is from Cat Last Name With Hells.

[43:09] And I would say that this letter is content light but very charming.

[43:14] Wow.

[43:15] That is the meanest compliment.

[43:17] No, it's.

[43:18] No, you'll see.

[43:19] It's a delight.

[43:20] Kat Dennings, I apologize for dancing.

[43:21] It is a delight.

[43:23] From Kat.

[43:23] She writes, hi Flophouse friends.

[43:25] I'm very drunk.

[43:27] I think you're great.

[43:28] One.

[43:29] Dan's the best and I've torn my ACL before so I empathize with him.

[43:33] Two.

[43:33] Elliot is so clever and funny.

[43:35] Three.

[43:36] Stuart is good too.

[43:37] I'm a lesbian but I still think he's hot.

[43:40] I train horses for a living so I have a lot of free time to listen to podcast one.

Elliott Kalan

[43:45] I don't know why that.

[43:46] I don't understand how that tracks.

[43:48] I would assume training horses takes a lot of time.

Dan McCoy

[43:50] I have a lot of free time to listen to podcasts while I'm at the barn.

[43:54] So I'm pretty much a podcast connoisseur.

[43:56] A pot-o-seur if you will.

[43:58] But yours is the best.

[43:59] Like better than cereal even.

[44:00] Sorry NPR.

[44:02] Thanks for making me laugh at work in between screaming at idiot horses.

[44:07] You guys are real human beings and real heroes.

[44:10] I love you.

[44:12] Kat last name with a belt.

[44:13] Thanks Kat.

Elliott Kalan

[44:13] That was very sweet.

[44:14] Dan I like that you read that in a way that a drunk person would.

Dan McCoy

[44:18] Yeah.

[44:18] Well it's not a stretch.

Elliott Kalan

[44:20] And I agree we're better than cereal and I'll tell you why.

[44:24] I agree.

[44:24] Those horses are dumb.

[44:27] Number the first.

[44:28] If horses weren't so stupid where are their hands?

Dan McCoy

[44:31] Why didn't they think of hands?

[44:32] If wishes were horses.

[44:35] We'd be riding them to heaven.

Elliott Kalan

[44:38] Number the two.

[44:39] Why horses are dumb.

[44:41] Have you ever heard a horse talk?

[44:42] Once.

[44:43] Well yeah.

[44:43] Well twice if you count hot to trot.

[44:46] Okay three times raising stripes.

[44:48] Okay four times Francis talking about.

[44:49] What about the first one with Mr. Ed?

Stuart Wellington

[44:51] Of course.

[44:52] And the most recent was our recent Flophouse collaborator Seabiscuit.

[44:57] It's me Seabiscuit.

Dan McCoy

[45:00] The most popular horse in the world.

Stuart Wellington

[45:02] Hey Seabiscuit.

[45:03] You got to show up buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[45:04] Gotta go.

[45:05] Where are you racing off to Seabiscuit?

Dan McCoy

[45:09] I always gotta go somewhere.

[45:11] Got a lot of appearances.

Stuart Wellington

[45:13] Because I'm the most popular horse.

[45:16] Seabiscuit out.

[45:17] Wow he's got a new catchphrase I guess.

[45:20] Yeah.

[45:20] Well we'll have to ask him about that next time.

[45:23] So anyway.

[45:24] Next time we can demand him into existence.

Dan McCoy

[45:27] This next letter I.

[45:29] I gotta say this next letter may be my favorite letter we've ever gotten.

[45:33] I don't want to oversell it.

[45:35] Well you just did.

[45:36] Searching it up.

Elliott Kalan

[45:37] If it.

[45:37] You're better than Mads Mikkelsen likes you guys.

[45:40] Because that was pretty great.

[45:41] This is from Matt.

Stuart Wellington

[45:42] Last name withheld.

[45:43] Is there a picture of Krang from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[45:48] Peeing on somebody.

Dan McCoy

[45:52] It's titled thanks a lot my students think I am a weirdo.

[45:55] And it goes like this.

[45:56] I am a teacher at a private girls school in Australia.

[45:59] Uh oh.

[46:00] You may have written into the wrong forum.

[46:03] Recently we had to take the students on a camping trip.

[46:06] All was going well.

Elliott Kalan

[46:08] Dear Flophouse.

[46:09] I never thought your letters were real.

[46:11] But then something happened to me I had to tell you about.

[46:14] I'm just a normal guy with a three foot penis.

[46:17] I am a professor at a school for girls who are 18 or older.

[46:21] But look like they're 16.

[46:23] All right.

[46:24] Creepy right?

[46:25] That's what I thought.

[46:26] Until I had sex with all the girls.

Dan McCoy

[46:30] Until they had to sit down.

Elliott Kalan

[46:32] I'm just a professor at fuck academy.

Dan McCoy

[46:35] I can hold up to you.

[46:39] That's what I mean.

[46:40] It's a university.

Elliott Kalan

[46:41] No it's spelled academy.

[46:43] U-H-cademy.

Dan McCoy

[46:49] Until they had to sit down.

[46:50] To eat the dinner they had cooked.

[46:52] And the camp leader said.

[46:54] Quote.

[46:55] Can all the girls please hop on the tarp now?

[46:58] When they didn't immediately respond.

[47:00] Over the bullhorn.

[47:01] Girls.

[47:02] Get on this.

[47:03] Get on the tarp straight away.

[47:05] I need all girls on the tarp.

[47:07] Thanks for my favorite podcast.

[47:09] All I could think about was Misty Monday.

[47:11] And other tarp stars.

[47:12] And I could not.

[47:13] Tarp stars?

[47:15] I could not stifle my laughter.

[47:18] Yeah.

[47:18] I was a star in the tarpies.

[47:21] I was asked why I was laughing.

[47:23] By staff.

[47:24] Students.

[47:24] And camp leaders.

[47:26] And I could not give an answer.

[47:27] But also.

[47:28] You might have gotten in trouble.

[47:30] But also could not stop laughing.

[47:32] So thanks to your pervozoatedness.

[47:34] I am now seen as a weirdo.

[47:36] Thanks for the laughter.

[47:37] It helped me get through some tough times.

[47:39] And quick question.

[47:40] What do you think of the 80s film The Last Dragon?

[47:42] Great, isn't it?

[47:43] Matt, last name was held.

[47:44] I don't remember it that well.

[47:45] But I remember being charmed by it.

[47:47] I don't think I've ever seen it.

[47:48] When I saw it when I was a kid.

[47:48] I don't think I've seen it.

Stuart Wellington

[47:50] It's the sequel to Pete's Dragon, right?

Dan McCoy

[47:52] No.

[47:54] Sort of a.

Stuart Wellington

[47:55] Where humans are hunting down Elliot the Dragon.

[47:57] No, it's sort of a comedic.

Dan McCoy

[47:59] You've mixed Pete's Dragon and Dragonheart.

[48:00] It's like a faux blaxploitation kung fu movie.

[48:04] But it's.

Stuart Wellington

[48:05] Yeah.

[48:05] But there's a cartoon dragon out, right?

Dan McCoy

[48:06] No, there's no cartoon dragon.

[48:08] Where's the dragon come into it?

[48:09] God damn it.

[48:10] There is no dragon, guys.

Stuart Wellington

[48:11] Is it like an Eastern mythology sort of thing?

[48:14] Yeah, like a wisdom dragon?

Dan McCoy

[48:16] Point is sex tarps.

[48:17] That's the point.

[48:19] That's hilarious.

Elliott Kalan

[48:19] I like how many times people tell me they listen to the show

[48:22] and it has made them look crazy or stupid in a public setting.

[48:26] It's pretty much what we set out to do.

Dan McCoy

[48:28] Yeah.

[48:28] We're just.

[48:29] This is an elaborate punking of all of our listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[48:32] Yeah, punking Brewster.

Dan McCoy

[48:34] He's million.

Elliott Kalan

[48:37] Yeah, why didn't they ever do Punky Brewster's million?

[48:39] Where I guess Punky Brewster died and left her money to somebody, but they have to spend it all?

Stuart Wellington

[48:43] She died under anesthesia when getting her boobs smaller.

Dan McCoy

[48:47] She died.

[48:48] Too far, Stuart.

[48:49] She died because she was locked in an old-fashioned refrigerator.

Elliott Kalan

[48:53] Oh, but the public service announcement told her not to do that.

Dan McCoy

[48:57] I'm glad nobody made fun of me for using the term smallard.

[49:01] So this is from Randolph, last name withheld.

[49:05] And he says.

[49:06] Carterized.

[49:07] Floppers.

Dan McCoy

[49:08] I recently discovered your podcast after Glenn Weldon recommended it on NPR's Pop Culture Happy Hour.

[49:13] Thanks, Glenn.

[49:14] It quickly became my favorite.

[49:16] Why would you do that?

Elliott Kalan

[49:18] Totally disrespectful and unnecessary.

[49:21] You've been such a friend to us.

Dan McCoy

[49:23] It quickly became my favorite podcast and all that I listened to over the holidays.

[49:26] I had to stop listening to your podcast while drinking beverages because I kept doing spit takes with eggnogs or mulled cider all over my wife.

Stuart Wellington

[49:35] Only the stickiest of beverages go into my mouth and then immediately out of it.

Elliott Kalan

[49:39] If there was some way I could liquefy a candy apple, I'd drink that.

Dan McCoy

[49:44] Because I am a recent immigrant to Flophouse land, I ended up binge listening to almost your entire back catalog this past month.

[49:51] That's a lot of episodes in a short period of time.

[49:54] I think that's a lot of horses to train.

[49:56] I can say with absolute certainty.

[49:58] On the Flophores.

[49:59] I enjoyed every minute of your podcast with one notable exception.

[50:03] Uh-oh.

[50:03] Elliot's horrific singing introductions to the Flophouse mailbag segment.

[50:07] Hey, DWI, deal with it.

[50:09] You may have seen that bumper sticker which reads,

[50:12] If you can walk, you can dance.

[50:13] If you can talk, you can sing.

[50:15] Elliot has proven the second half of the edge to be a bald-faced lie.

[50:19] I am sure Guantanamo guards could repurpose Elliot's singing.

[50:23] Editor's note.

[50:23] Dan, please make air quotes with your fingers when you say that word.

[50:26] As part of their enhanced interrogation techniques.

[50:30] I found Elliot's singing so grating that after one episode, I decided to put out my eyes like Oedipus Rex.

Elliott Kalan

[50:35] Oh, no.

[50:36] Or Sam Neill in Event Horizon.

Dan McCoy

[50:37] Then I remembered one's eyes have nothing to do with one's hearing.

[50:41] I was just going to say, yeah.

[50:42] And I continued to suffer through the mailbag introductions.

[50:45] As I would like to continue...

Elliott Kalan

[50:45] He gave himself a little bit of the punishment that he was going to give in Princess Bride.

Dan McCoy

[50:49] They cut off his eyes, then his nose, then his hands.

Elliott Kalan

[50:52] But they leave the ears.

[50:53] To the pain.

Dan McCoy

[50:54] As I would like to continue listening to this podcast and not lose any more body parts, I'm sending Elliot a Groupon for $25 off a one-hour voice lesson at a vocal school in New York City.

[51:05] So Elliot can, and I'm quoting from the Groupon description here, unfold your true potential in an extremely supportive environment.

[51:12] I fully expect that after this one lesson, Elliot's reedy, atonal, stream-of-conscious quasi-songs will transform into a beautifully crooned, thoughtfully crafted composition sung tenderly and in correct pitch with full diaphragm support and proper breathing techniques.

[51:27] Elliot, I love you, man.

[51:27] You're a funny dude.

[51:28] But time to hit the woodshed and work on those singing chops.

[51:32] Practice.

[51:32] For the love of God, please practice.

[51:34] Yours in music, Randolph Last Name Withheld.

[51:36] And here's your Groupon.

[51:37] Wow, thank you, Randolph.

[51:38] I appreciate that.

[51:39] An actual Groupon.

Stuart Wellington

[51:40] And to think when I saw...

[51:41] To paraphrase, you're great, but you suck.

Elliott Kalan

[51:44] Yeah, when I saw this thing, when I saw the paper for one-hour vocal lesson behind the emails Dan was reading, I thought he had just accidentally printed out a Groupon he had bought for himself.

[51:54] Yeah, to improve his karaoke.

[51:56] Yeah.

[51:56] Well, I think I will take advantage of this.

[51:58] I know that I can't sing, and that's why I do sing.

[52:01] Yeah.

[52:01] I can't show people that nothing is impossible.

[52:04] Oh, chase your dreams?

[52:05] Yeah.

[52:06] To dream the impossible song.

[52:10] To sing the thing that I am singing.

[52:13] To Dan and to Stuart and that cat over there.

[52:17] This thing is the flop house of stuff.

[52:20] To singing.

[52:21] I mean, I would say...

Dan McCoy

[52:22] To singing.

[52:23] I would also say, in Elliot's defense, I don't think he's trying that hard when he's singing the letter song.

Elliott Kalan

[52:27] I would say not trying at all.

[52:29] I mean, from a singing point of view, there's zero trying.

Dan McCoy

[52:32] I've heard Elliot sing better, I'm saying.

Elliott Kalan

[52:34] It's also...

[52:35] We record this at the end of the day.

[52:37] I've done a lot of singing at the office during the day.

Dan McCoy

[52:40] Yeah, a lot of singing about the foods that we're eating in the lunch line.

Elliott Kalan

[52:43] And what meeting is starting.

[52:45] You guys getting a lunch line?

Dan McCoy

[52:46] Yeah.

[52:46] Well, you got a little catered thing.

[52:48] Do you have like a lunch lady that puts the slop on your tray?

Elliott Kalan

[52:51] No, it's barf from You Can't Do That on Television.

Stuart Wellington

[52:53] Oh, man.

[52:54] Self-serve.

[52:54] But Elliot's like...

Dan McCoy

[52:55] That's where he went.

[52:56] There's a lot of like...

[52:57] Does he serve Canadian food or...

[52:59] No, no.

[52:59] It's regular food.

[53:00] There's a lot of like...

[53:01] Elliot's like...

[53:02] Cauliflower.

[53:03] Do I want it?

[53:04] Yeah, why not?

[53:05] I'll have some cauliflower.

Elliott Kalan

[53:07] I assume everyone would be...

[53:09] Everyone's lives would be improved by my stream of consciousness out loud decision making through song about what I'm going to eat that day.

[53:15] Mm-hmm.

[53:16] If it's the 3.15 meeting, there's a lot of...

[53:18] Hey, everybody, what meeting is happening right now?

[53:22] At 3.15, it's the 3.15 meeting that's happening right now.

[53:27] That kind of stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[53:27] There's a peek behind the curtain, huh?

[53:29] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[53:29] There's a lot of singing that goes on at The Daily Show.

[53:32] And dogs.

[53:33] Yeah, the dogs sing too.

Dan McCoy

[53:35] But for this last letter, let's...

[53:38] It's sort of a...

[53:39] Let's say it's a repost the last...

[53:41] The previous...

[53:42] Like a Perry?

Elliott Kalan

[53:44] Like a Perry.

[53:45] Like a Steve Perry.

Dan McCoy

[53:47] Yeah.

[53:48] It goes like this.

[53:50] Oh, Sherry.

[53:51] Hey there.

[53:52] Hey there, houseback of Flopstradame.

[53:54] I was listening to the latest episode of The Flophouse whilst trying to attach a hat and a skateboard to a stray cat and a pair of nerdy glasses to another.

[54:05] And I started wondering why there was no attempt at remixing a male song.

[54:09] So as I have no work, I took it upon myself to lazily slap one together.

[54:14] You can find the result of two hours of my time here and there's a link to the song.

Elliott Kalan

[54:18] Two hours.

[54:19] Not well, Spencer, though I appreciate it.

[54:21] Not because what you did is bad.

[54:23] I haven't heard it yet.

[54:24] But because...

Dan McCoy

[54:25] I mean, it's inherently a waste of time.

[54:29] To do anything involving my singing is a waste of time.

[54:31] But he says, I did see you had a competition for songs in the autumn, but unfortunately at the time I was not a member of the Flophouse audience.

[54:38] A.K.

[54:38] Flophouse Collective.

[54:40] Big up me Flophouse brethren.

[54:42] 2K15.

[54:42] Big up me brethren.

[54:43] Still kicking it.

[54:44] Where are my boys at?

[54:46] Wagwan Flophouse.

[54:48] Name pending approval.

[54:50] So I missed out on this contest.

[54:52] Still, I hope you can find it in your hearts to give it a listen and maybe even play it on the show as it's not very long because, again, I'm very lazy.

[55:00] Keep up the good work, everyone.

[55:01] And, Stuart, the beer you drink is garbage.

[55:03] Thanks for the laugh.

[55:05] Baz, last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[55:06] Well, starting a fight right at the end.

[55:08] Baz.

[55:08] It's like you're leaving a party and you're like, great time.

[55:11] Thanks for inviting me.

[55:12] I loved it.

[55:13] Baz is the name of a fellow in a tracksuit.

[55:15] Punch somebody and then walks out.

[55:16] Baz?

[55:17] Charles is the director of like a great Gatsby spectacular.

Dan McCoy

[55:20] I think for our.

[55:21] He still wears a tracksuit.

[55:23] I think for our outro.

Elliott Kalan

[55:25] An image of Baz Luhrmann directing Australia while wearing like a tracksuit and gold chains.

Dan McCoy

[55:32] For our outro for the show, I think I'm going to have to put on this song so we can all enjoy it.

[55:37] Spoiler alert.

Elliott Kalan

[55:38] I think you owe it to America.

Dan McCoy

[55:40] I don't know if that's a spoiler so much.

[55:42] I mean, I guess we'll hear it in a minute.

Elliott Kalan

[55:44] Thanks for putting the work into it and thanks for listening.

[55:46] And thanks to everybody who wrote in and everybody listening.

[55:49] We appreciate it.

Stuart Wellington

[55:50] Yeah.

[55:50] Despite all the critiques of Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[55:52] Yeah.

[55:53] I mean, I can take criticism.

Dan McCoy

[55:55] Yeah.

[55:55] Pretty even though.

[55:56] Sure.

[55:57] One for one against.

Elliott Kalan

[55:59] That's true.

[56:00] Yeah.

[56:01] We still need the tiebreaker.

[56:02] Yeah.

[56:03] The president pro tem.

Stuart Wellington

[56:04] Somebody write in whether or not you love or totally hate Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[56:07] And also, if you'd like to use the key on the lock.

[56:11] Just write in.

[56:12] Radio Zork continues.

Dan McCoy

[56:15] But now.

[56:16] What's the next part?

[56:17] For the final and least popular segment of the Flophouse.

[56:20] Okay.

[56:21] So just.

Elliott Kalan

[56:21] It's time for chest hair report.

[56:24] Everybody, we've shaved our chest hair as we do every episode into a different shape.

[56:28] Uh-huh.

[56:28] Let's reveal it now and we'll see if we can figure out exactly what it is.

[56:32] Okay.

[56:32] All right.

[56:33] Zip.

[56:34] Unbutton.

[56:35] Unbutton.

[56:35] And zip.

[56:36] And unbutton the other layer.

[56:37] And zip the last layer.

Stuart Wellington

[56:38] As you can see, this is a carefully manicured dollar sign.

Dan McCoy

[56:41] Very well done.

[56:42] Yeah.

[56:43] Very nice.

[56:44] Mine is sort of boring.

[56:45] It is just a rhombus.

Elliott Kalan

[56:48] A rhombus of chest hair.

[56:49] Yes.

[56:49] I love that the lines are very straight.

[56:51] That's good.

[56:52] Yeah.

[56:52] Anyway, as you guys can see, I've completely reproduced a Surat's Sunday in the Park.

[56:59] It's amazing.

[57:01] In chest hair on my chest.

Dan McCoy

[57:02] I don't know how you do pointillism in chest hair, but you've.

[57:05] A lot of tweezing, my friend.

[57:06] A lot of tweezing.

[57:08] Okay.

[57:09] So that's that segment.

[57:10] And now on to a much more popular segment.

[57:14] Recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[57:16] Movies that.

[57:16] And I know the title of that painting is really like Sunday on the Grand Jod or whatever.

[57:19] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[57:21] Whatever the Grand Jod is.

Elliott Kalan

[57:24] Sunday on Java the Hutt's Sail Barge by Surat.

Stuart Wellington

[57:31] Everybody's inside.

[57:32] Nobody goes on the fucking roof deck.

[57:34] It's lovely out there, bro.

Elliott Kalan

[57:35] It's really beautiful out in the hot Tatooine sun.

Stuart Wellington

[57:38] Don't you want to see the herds of Bantha walking around?

[57:40] They're out there having fun.

[57:41] The beacon of Sarlacc.

Dan McCoy

[57:42] Get a whiff of Sarlacc.

[57:43] The hot Tatooine sun.

[57:46] But no, this is recommendations.

[57:48] Movies that we watched that we actually liked.

[57:51] Stuart, what do you want to recommend?

Stuart Wellington

[57:55] This Christmas, my wife got me a membership to...

[58:02] This Christmas, believe in miracles again.

Elliott Kalan

[58:06] Stuart's Tale, the movie.

Dan McCoy

[58:08] Now last Christmas, you played with my heart.

Elliott Kalan

[58:10] The very next day.

Stuart Wellington

[58:12] This Christmas, my wife was kind enough to give me a membership to Full Moon Streaming, which is the streaming service for Full Moon Productions, the production company that has brought you such great movies as Puppet Master, Retro Puppet Master, Dollman, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, Puppet Master 2, Subspecies 2, Subspecies 1, etc.

[58:40] Did you mention any of the...

[58:42] Femalian?

[58:43] Yes, Femalian 2 and Femalian 1.

[58:45] Transers and Transer Cop.

[58:46] Transers, Transer Cop, Transers 2, Femalian.

[58:52] Femalian vs. Transer Cop.

[58:54] There's a couple other movies.

[58:56] I don't know what's...

[58:57] Puppet Master is a Femalian.

[58:59] It's kind of a...

[58:59] You may have heard of it.

[59:00] It's called Castle Freak.

[59:02] Whoa.

[59:03] Head of the Family.

[59:05] I am a robot now for some reason.

Elliott Kalan

[59:07] I've transcended the sad human flesh.

[59:11] Johnny Depp is like, I'm going to turn all of humanity into perfect beings, but first, let me catch up on Full Moon Entertainment's slate of titles.

Stuart Wellington

[59:19] So, I recently watched something on there that hasn't been available for a long time.

[59:25] It's a short film, so it's kind of a cheat.

[59:27] But it's Charles Band directed an adaptation of The Evil Clergyman starring Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton.

[59:36] And it also has David Warner in it.

[59:39] And it's a great adaptation, and it manages to be kind of creepy and kind of sad.

[59:44] And it's just...

[59:45] It's fun to see...

[59:46] Any time to see more young Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton getting to act together.

[59:52] And David Warner is a big get for a Full Moon Adventure.

[59:54] Yeah, it's huge.

[59:55] He's great.

[59:56] And it was part of a...

[59:57] Like an anthology movie.

[1:00:00] I can't remember what it was called.

[1:00:01] You can look it up.

[1:00:03] But...

[1:00:03] Steward's recommendation.

[1:00:05] You do the work.

[1:00:06] And I think the only way you can see it is by joining that streaming service.

[1:00:09] But it's...

[1:00:10] I thought it was genuinely cool to get to watch.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:13] I would like to recommend...

[1:00:15] And I may have recommended this before.

[1:00:18] I don't know.

[1:00:19] Castle Freak.

[1:00:20] I don't know.

[1:00:21] Look it up on the Flophouse Recommends page.

[1:00:23] Maybe I forgot.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:24] I don't care.

[1:00:25] Do some work for what's in your life.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:28] But we watched a science fiction movie that I did not like that involved Cillian Murphy.

[1:00:35] So I'm going to recommend a movie that I did like.

[1:00:37] That's a sci-fi film with Cillian Murphy.

[1:00:39] And that's the movie Sunshine.

[1:00:42] That had him.

[1:00:43] Except for the end.

[1:00:44] It's awesome.

[1:00:45] Chris Evans was in it.

[1:00:47] Now here...

[1:00:47] I'm also going to...

[1:00:48] Like I wanted to address this.

[1:00:49] A lot of people feel like, oh, this movie is great except for the end.

[1:00:54] Well, first off.

[1:00:56] It's a Danny Boyle movie.

[1:00:57] First off, Waltz.

[1:00:58] It's about a world where the sun is dying.

[1:01:02] And so there's a mission.

[1:01:03] This is actually the second mission to attempt to try and go up and kickstart the sun by...

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:09] By collecting $20,000 in donations.

[1:01:12] But if they don't make that money, they don't get to keep the stuff that they...

[1:01:15] The sun loses it all.

[1:01:17] Now $50 prize...

[1:01:17] But I want to see more Veronica Mars, Elliot.

[1:01:20] No, but we really need the sun.

[1:01:21] It's the source of all life.

[1:01:23] All heat, all warmth and light.

[1:01:25] I don't have as much nostalgia for the sun.

[1:01:27] Okay.

[1:01:27] I mean, you should.

[1:01:28] Now for $50, you get a signed photo of the sun.

[1:01:30] Okay.

[1:01:31] For $20,000, you just fill the whole thing.

[1:01:33] You get an executive producer credit on the sun.

[1:01:35] Oh, wow.

[1:01:35] That's not bad.

[1:01:37] No.

[1:01:37] For $10,000, the sun will critique your light producing effects.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:41] Okay, so I can get some skills out of the deal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:43] Exactly.

[1:01:44] So, Sunshine?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:45] No, they're going up there to blast a huge nuclear payload into the sun.

[1:01:49] And they've got a big sun shield, so the closer they get to the sun...

[1:01:52] So you don't get any splash damage?

[1:01:54] Well, they don't get worked up by the huge sun rays.

[1:01:58] All crispy, yeah.

[1:01:59] Everything.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:00] I think somebody gets crispy in this movie, though.

[1:02:03] Oh, super.

[1:02:04] Super crispy.

[1:02:05] Extra crispy.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:06] But a lot of people...

[1:02:08] I feel like...

[1:02:09] You don't get crispy at all.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:10] I feel like the conventional wisdom on this movie...

[1:02:12] It's really burnt.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:14] The conventional wisdom on this movie is what Stuart said, that people love the first two

[1:02:19] thirds, and they don't like the last third.

[1:02:22] I actually also like the last third.

[1:02:24] People complain that the last third turns into a slasher movie.

[1:02:28] What I like about it...

[1:02:28] That's not my problem.

[1:02:30] What I like about it is it turns into a slasher movie that is super trippy, that the movie

[1:02:37] talks about as they approach the sun.

[1:02:40] There's this time distortion.

[1:02:43] There's this effect of...

[1:02:45] The gravity of doing this thing just warps reality.

[1:02:51] And I like how the movie also mirrors that.

[1:02:55] The movie gets very trippy towards the end as they're running around trying to avoid this

[1:03:03] mysterious killer who comes in.

[1:03:04] Who comes in in the last third.

[1:03:07] And I like it...

[1:03:08] I like it all through the whole thing.

[1:03:09] Yes, Jason X.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:11] I guess I just think that the...

[1:03:13] Rather than being trippy and interesting, it just makes it hard for me to watch.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:18] It gets very visually interesting and also visually hurts your eyes.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:23] But you guys can watch it at home and tell us what you're doing.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:26] But I like all the hurts your eyes stuff.

[1:03:28] So, yeah.

[1:03:29] It's up to you.

[1:03:30] It's up to you.

[1:03:31] We're not going to make the decisions for you, Flop Nation.

[1:03:33] Choose your own adventure.

[1:03:35] Yeah.

[1:03:35] Humans.

[1:03:36] Live your life.

[1:03:36] Use the key on the door?

[1:03:37] Are you going to use the key on the door?

[1:03:39] Write in and tell us.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:42] I'm sorry.

[1:03:43] The key did not work.

[1:03:44] You have five keys left.

[1:03:46] Do you use the next key or skip to the key after that?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:50] Or do you want to pay $5 to get the right key right away?

[1:03:55] Send that money to Stuart Wellington.

[1:03:57] Microtransactions.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:59] Make a microloan.

[1:04:04] Is it my turn?

[1:04:05] Yeah, sure.

[1:04:06] I'd like to recommend a different kind of movie.

[1:04:09] I'm going to recommend an old movie.

[1:04:11] A pornographic film.

[1:04:12] Is that what I do?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:13] Yeah, I'm going to recommend a porno film.

[1:04:15] It's a movie I made with my brother and some animals we found.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:19] Anyway, it's called Nubile Teens Volume 3.

[1:04:24] So, I'm going to recommend a movie from 1947 called The Woman on the Beach,

[1:04:29] which is one of the few English-language American movies that Jean Renoir made.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:35] Is it Jean Renoir?

[1:04:37] I don't remember.

[1:04:38] Anyway.

[1:04:38] Who the fuck cares?

[1:04:39] I mean...

[1:04:40] Who the fuck cares?

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:41] Anyway, it's a movie that stars Robert Ryan and Joan Bennett and Charles Bickford,

[1:04:47] who's one of these actors who people don't really remember,

[1:04:50] but was nominated for multiple Academy Awards in his heyday,

[1:04:54] where Robert Ryan is a...

[1:04:57] The days when he made hay.

[1:05:01] That's why on Hay Day every year,

[1:05:03] we celebrate Charles Bickford by eating hay with dumb horses.

[1:05:08] But it's about...

[1:05:09] Robert Ryan is a guy who's in the Navy,

[1:05:12] who's stationed on this beach area,

[1:05:15] and he has a perfectly lovely fiancé.

[1:05:18] It's a totally Betty and Veronica situation

[1:05:21] because he begins to become almost obsessively paranoid in love

[1:05:25] with this woman played by Joan Bennett that he meets on the beach one day.

[1:05:28] And she is married to a man who was once a great painter but has gone blind.

[1:05:32] And they're in a very toxic, codependent, torturing-each-other relationship.

[1:05:38] And their relationship is drawn in a pretty complicated way,

[1:05:42] especially for a 40s movie,

[1:05:44] in that they definitely hurt each other openly but kind of feed off each other.

[1:05:49] They have an understanding with each other about how painful they're going to be to each other.

[1:05:52] But they're both trying to pull away from each other while they can't,

[1:05:55] and Robert Ryan becomes kind of trapped in the wake of this toxic relationship.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:00] Is that what a Betty and Veronica relationship is like?

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:03] No, a Betty and Veronica relationship is because

[1:06:05] there's a really nice, down-to-earth blonde woman

[1:06:07] who wants to marry him,

[1:06:08] but he's stuck on this weirdo, dark-haired girl.

[1:06:12] That's not very nice.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:13] Veronica is clearly the hotter one.

[1:06:15] Exactly, dude.

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:16] They have the same face and body with different hair.

[1:06:19] You settle for Veronica.

[1:06:21] Wait, which one's the dark hair?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:23] Wait, which one?

[1:06:24] Veronica is the hot one.

[1:06:25] Which one is moose-stating?

[1:06:26] Veronica money.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:27] The only thing that makes her different is she's loaded and dope.

[1:06:30] But then you've got to spend all your holidays with fucking Mr. Lodge.

[1:06:33] Come on, and his little mustache.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:34] She's got that dark hair with the back.

[1:06:37] Roger Lodge?

[1:06:39] Big brown eyes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] Anyway, Robert Ryan becomes obsessed with the idea that Charles Bickford is faking his blindness

[1:06:45] and wants to try to disprove it.

[1:06:47] And it's a movie that was tampered with a lot by the studio,

[1:06:51] and so it's not totally satisfying.

[1:06:53] It's not a great movie, but it's a really interesting, good movie.

[1:06:57] And there's a dream sequence at the beginning that is so, like, where Robert Ryan has a nightmare

[1:07:04] where he's in a ship that explodes, and he's sinking to the bottom.

[1:07:07] Because it's too close to the sun?

[1:07:08] Yeah.

[1:07:08] No, it's a sea ship.

[1:07:10] And there's a woman at the bottom of the ocean that is reaching for him,

[1:07:14] and it's so kind of primitively done special effects-wise that there's something beautiful about it.

[1:07:20] Like, it's almost like a Guy Madden type of thing in that scene,

[1:07:24] except not ironically or, like, reaching back to some past style.

[1:07:28] Like, that's just the way they were doing it.

[1:07:30] So it's a curious little movie that has a lot to recommend it,

[1:07:33] and it's interesting to watch, and it's, like, 70 minutes long.

[1:07:36] Like, it's not, it doesn't take a lot of time.

[1:07:38] So the woman on the beach, I'd recommend it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:42] What guys?

[1:07:44] Nailed it.

[1:07:45] Out of the park.

[1:07:45] Yeah, we've come to you.

[1:07:46] Into some other park.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:48] Can you go over to the defensive of that park to get it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:51] Yep, into the sandlot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:53] No, it's the sun.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:56] Well, I guess the only thing left.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:58] Wait, if we get it into the sandlot,

[1:07:59] are we the big dog that eats baseballs?

Dan McCoy

[1:08:02] Yep, and we're like, hey, kids.

[1:08:04] Are we, like, James Earl Jones?

[1:08:07] He was the guy, right?

[1:08:09] Yeah, he was the guy.

[1:08:10] Yeah, the...

[1:08:11] In the sandlot.

[1:08:11] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:12] Really?

[1:08:12] He was the angry old guy.

[1:08:14] I thought he was the guy who made the Field of Dreams.

[1:08:16] He's both guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:18] He's all over baseball.

[1:08:19] James Earl Jones has a rich legacy with baseball

[1:08:21] in those two movies.

[1:08:22] Mr. Baseball.

[1:08:23] No, that's Tom Selleck.

[1:08:24] Tom Selleck with Mr. Baseball.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:25] Was he in a field of their own?

[1:08:27] A field of their own.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:29] That's a movie about a potter's field.

[1:08:31] That's where you pick...

Dan McCoy

[1:08:33] That's Bernie Mac.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:34] No, that's Bernie Mac.

[1:08:34] That's where you pick a Lori Petty off the vine.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:38] Fresh off the tree.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:40] Don't let that Gina Davis with those giant teeth eat it.

[1:08:43] I don't know.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:43] He's not Mr. Payback,

[1:08:44] because that was that weird robot dude.

[1:08:46] I don't know what's happening.

[1:08:47] I've lost control.

[1:08:48] That's Chappie.

[1:08:48] Chappie.

[1:08:49] Yet again.

[1:08:50] Chappie Payback.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:52] Well, I don't know if Chappie's going to get paid back.

[1:08:55] The ad campaign's been really expensive.

[1:08:58] Or the Flophouse.

[1:08:59] Chappie.

[1:09:00] The story of a chapstick that decides to take the law into its own hands.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:03] I've been Dan McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:06] Oh, I guess I've been Stuart Wellington then.

[1:09:09] Why not?

[1:09:10] And I know I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:09:11] I just know it and I can prove it.

[1:09:13] I can prove it.

[1:09:13] I'm him.

[1:09:14] I'm him.

[1:09:15] The man in there is an imposter.

[1:09:17] Good night.

[1:09:19] Chappie.

[1:09:21] Rated R.

[1:09:27] Letters.

[1:09:28] We get letters.

[1:09:29] We get lots and lots of letters.

[1:09:32] Letter time.

[1:09:34] Let's read some letters and talk about them.

[1:09:38] Get in touch with the fans.

[1:09:39] What do they think?

[1:09:40] Let's read some letters tonight.

[1:09:43] Tonight's the night for letters.

[1:09:45] Let's get some letters and read them.

[1:09:48] Okay.

[1:09:48] Read them and weep with laughter.

[1:09:53] Letters.

S4

[1:09:57] Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

[1:09:59] Ross.

[1:09:59] Hi, Carrie.

[1:10:00] What do you think is creepier?

[1:10:01] Okay.

[1:10:02] You jump into a swimming pool.

[1:10:05] All of a sudden, the water goes away.

[1:10:06] And instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors.

[1:10:11] Ew.

[1:10:11] Or our show.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:13] That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism.

S4

[1:10:16] We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis where we had to worship a naked lady.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:20] Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult.

[1:10:22] They were scary.

S4

[1:10:23] Super creepy.

[1:10:24] We joined the Ethere Society.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:25] We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did.

S4

[1:10:28] Oh boy.

[1:10:28] I tried breast enlargement.

[1:10:29] We have basically done every creepy weird fringe thing except for thousands more, which

[1:10:35] we will get to if you listen to our show.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:37] I'd still say the swimming pool with my ancestors' bones.

S4

[1:10:40] Well, then I don't even know if people should listen.

[1:10:41] I guess they shouldn't.

[1:10:42] But if you want to, we're at Maximum Fun, and the show's called Oh No, Ross and Carrie.

Ep. #173 - Transcendence

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