Ep. #175 - Winter's Tale

[0:00] Crack open your storybooks, because tonight we watched A Winter's Tale.

[0:05] It's just Winter's Tale.

[0:07] A Winter's Tale.

[0:09] Oh boy.

[0:12] Perfect.

[0:13] Like we're not even trying.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to The Flophouse.

[0:43] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:44] Great job, Dan.

[0:46] I'm Stuart.

[0:46] Stuart Wellington.

[0:48] Thank you.

[0:48] And I'm Elliot Kalin, and we're off to a bang-up start.

[0:51] Don't jinx it, dude.

[0:54] I'm giving us an A-plus for this episode so far.

[0:57] Positive energy in this room.

[0:59] I'm loving it.

[1:00] How are my levels?

[1:01] Your level is at 100% awesome and super great.

[1:05] Oh, wow.

[1:06] That's better than normal.

[1:07] Off the charts, I would say.

[1:09] The charts are very small, though.

[1:11] Sure.

[1:12] Yes.

[1:12] I should have bought bigger charts.

[1:14] The problem is I bought the smallest charts thinking they'd be the cheapest charts, but now I'm writing on the table.

[1:22] So you've got to buy a new table.

[1:23] It's costing you more.

[1:24] Yeah.

[1:24] So your early comment was damning with faint praise.

[1:28] Well.

[1:28] I mean, it wasn't that faint.

[1:30] Well, in that it was damning faint praise river, which floods its banks every year.

[1:35] We've got to put this flood up, this dam up to save the town.

[1:41] Well, I think that the early positive energy has dissipated now.

[1:43] I'm giving us a C-minus now.

[1:46] But an A for effort.

[1:48] I'll take the blame for that.

[1:50] I'm in the wrong.

[1:52] But, hey, I'm a big enough man to admit it, which is ironic because I'm actually quite a small man.

[1:56] Sure.

[1:57] Right around in Dan's pocket at work.

[2:00] I'm giving us an A for effort and a B for Beffert.

[2:04] Okay.

[2:05] Is that a thing?

[2:07] It is now.

[2:08] So tonight.

[2:09] Hear that, Websters?

[2:10] Make another entry in your stupid dictionary for Beffert.

[2:14] Yeah, an urban dictionary.

[2:15] Update it to not be a weird sex thing.

[2:17] Word of the year 2015.

[2:19] I'm calling it now, Beffert.

[2:21] As soon as we figure out what it means and how you use it, it's going to be everywhere.

[2:26] Hashtag Beffert.

[2:29] Hashtag your tweets, Beffert.

[2:31] And the way these websites, so to speak, have been doing their word of the year things, like, way early.

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:41] They do them in, like, October or something, and you're like, what?

[2:44] The year's not even done yet.

[2:45] I could make up, like, seven words.

[2:47] New word.

[2:48] What if there's a new great Thanksgiving word that everyone starts using?

[2:51] Like squeegees.

[2:52] I just made that word up.

[2:53] It's a great word.

[2:55] Or krangelman.

[2:58] These are all perfectly great words of the job.

[3:01] Well, no, krangelman is the plural of krangelma.

[3:07] It's German.

[3:08] In addition to being an etymology podcast, this is also a bad movie podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it, and it's nice.

[3:21] Boy, howdy.

[3:22] We put in a lot of Beffert on this one, let me tell you.

[3:24] We put in two hours of Beffert.

[3:26] We got a real seaver Beffert.

[3:28] It's, the title of this film was Winter's Tale.

[3:32] Not The Winter's Tale.

[3:34] Or A Winter's Tale.

[3:36] Or Edgar Winter's Tale.

[3:38] No.

[3:39] Or Jonathan Winter's Tale.

[3:41] All those things would be better.

[3:42] This was a fantasy romance, a magical realist tale of love.

[3:48] Now, let me tell you, first off, off the bat, this is based on a book I've never read, but I remember seeing the cover a lot when I worked at Barnes & Noble.

[3:54] And what did the cover look like?

[3:55] It was kind of a moody, atmospheric shot of light streaming through the windows of Grand Central Station.

[3:59] Were you called, like, a genius or something when you worked there?

[4:02] Or did you have any kind of cool title?

[4:04] Or did you have a uniform?

[4:06] Did people bring in their old paperbacks to have you fix them?

[4:10] I would lay my healing hands upon them.

[4:13] People would bring in defective books, by which they meant books they didn't like the endings of.

[4:17] And I would lay my hands on them, and miraculously, the books would now have a more satisfying ending.

[4:21] It's basically a stack of Stephen King novels, right?

[4:23] Ooooooh.

[4:24] Burned.

[4:25] Take that most successful author in history.

[4:28] Take that great, successful author who somehow only has three satisfying endings for books ever, possibly.

[4:35] Name him.

[4:36] Yeah, name him.

[4:37] Eyes of the Dragon.

[4:38] Pet Sematary.

[4:39] I liked the end to that Kennedy one.

[4:42] I didn't read that shit.

[4:44] I was about to say Cell, but that one does not have a particularly satisfying ending.

[4:48] What about the stand where the thing just explodes?

[4:50] The worst of all of them.

[4:51] The hand of God crunches it down?

[4:53] We love you, Stephen King.

[4:54] What about it where all those kids have a gangbang?

[4:57] Yeah, that wasn't so great either.

[4:59] It's an interesting ending.

[5:00] I mean, a lot of his short stories are unexpected.

[5:02] I was not expecting it.

[5:03] That's the thing.

[5:04] He's such a great short story writer.

[5:06] He understands how to structure a short story, but I think that he seems to get tired at the end of his novel.

[5:12] I gotta tell you.

[5:13] He gets space madness by the end.

[5:15] Yeah.

[5:17] The Long Walk and The Running Man.

[5:19] I like the endings of both of those.

[5:20] Novellas.

[5:21] Those aren't even in what?

[5:22] Those are novellas.

[5:23] So you give them a pass on those?

[5:26] So what, do they fall into the gray area in No Man's Land?

[5:29] When they die, they go to limbo?

[5:31] The Stephen King marches, they call them.

[5:33] The disputed territory between short and long.

[5:39] So anyway.

[5:40] Those exist in a sort of Schrodinger state of neither book nor short story.

[5:45] I mean, they're probably in his fucking gunslinger books because they're super meta.

[5:50] The Dark Tower books.

[5:51] Well, let's just get to talking about this shitty movie.

[5:53] Now, here's the thing I was going to say about Winter's Tale.

[5:55] It's got a lot – I had never read the book, but it's got a lot of elements that if I had known were in it, I might have read it.

[6:00] It's set in New York's past.

[6:02] I love that.

[6:03] It's set from the 1890s to 1916 and beyond.

[6:07] Spoiler alert.

[6:08] Okay.

[6:09] It's got –

[6:10] Russell Crowe's in it.

[6:11] Not in the book.

[6:13] It's got fantasy elements, but it's still set in a real-world-ish setting.

[6:17] Yeah, magical realism it's called.

[6:19] There's a term for that.

[6:20] Well, no, but it's not magical realism.

[6:22] Magical realism is more of a Gabriel Garcia Marquez type thing where it is not –

[6:27] Really?

[6:28] You just named an author.

[6:29] Well, no, but I was going to say like where in his books, it's more a sense of like this is our world, but there are kind of inexplicable things that happen or strange kind of whimsical coincidences.

[6:40] There's serendipitousness.

[6:41] This was just an out-and-out fantasy.

[6:42] There's magic.

[6:43] There's a flying horse.

[6:44] That's true.

[6:45] There's miracles.

[6:46] Like in the Tin Drum where that little dude just stops growing and then he can scream and break glass and shit.

[6:49] I think that actually is closer to magical realism.

[6:51] Yeah, yeah.

[6:52] This is more – yeah, this is like a fantasy.

[6:53] This is a fantasy story.

[6:54] That has like –

[6:55] That's like describing Buffy as magical realism.

[6:58] Yeah, exactly.

[6:59] Buffy the Vampire Slayer, not Buffy some person.

[7:01] That person could be magical realism.

[7:04] I don't know.

[7:05] Our pal Buffy down at the DMV.

[7:08] She works at the –

[7:10] I didn't know we had a friend at the DMV.

[7:12] She works at the DMV, but every now and then the ghost of her abuela comes and gives her advice.

[7:17] So that's magical realism right there.

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:20] And she cries into every license that she issues.

[7:24] And those tears give people good luck in their driving.

[7:27] Yeah.

[7:29] So I would say this is – I would call this historical fantasy.

[7:33] Sure.

[7:35] What was that Kurt Busiek, Carlos Pacheco comic book where it was World War I but they had –

[7:41] Syllables.

[7:42] They had like dragons and gnomes and stuff.

[7:44] Arrowsmith?

[7:45] Yes.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] That's historical fantasy.

[7:48] Oh, yeah.

[7:49] Walk this way.

[7:51] Yeah, the historical fantasy of Arrowsmith.

[7:53] That dude looks like a lady.

[7:55] He must have cast a spell of illusion on himself.

[7:58] Sure.

[7:59] A spell of lady looking like.

[8:01] It was so good.

[8:02] It had me crying.

[8:03] It was amazing.

[8:04] It was crazy.

[8:07] What other band had three songs in a row that were the same song?

[8:12] Name a band.

[8:14] That is magic.

[8:16] We're talking about magical realism.

[8:22] Leave it up to the Toxic Twins to make music that is magical realism.

[8:27] Pull the wool over America's eyes.

[8:30] Pull the wool would be a great Arrowsmith album.

[8:33] That would be a great title for Arrowsmith.

[8:36] Pull the wool.

[8:38] With the songs Lazen, Mazy.

[8:42] And Hazy.

[8:43] Hazy.

[8:46] And A'Chasin.

[8:49] And Adjacent.

[8:50] Adjacent and Chasin.

[8:53] Adjacent versus ready.

[8:55] Cryin' adjacent.

[8:56] Adjacent.

[8:57] We're in an elevator.

[8:58] Oh no.

[8:59] A witch cast a love spell on this elevator.

[9:01] Now we're going up as it's going down.

[9:04] We're livin' it up as we're going down.

[9:06] Going up.

[9:07] That's not even a euphemism.

[9:11] Look, Stephen Tyler's just beyond me.

[9:14] Anyway.

[9:15] Stephen Tyler, Stephen King.

[9:16] Two great American poets.

[9:18] When are they finally going to work together?

[9:21] So anyway.

[9:23] It looks like a lady.

[9:25] Sure.

[9:26] That's when Pennywise has long hair.

[9:28] And a scarf.

[9:29] And a flowing scarf tied to a mic stand.

[9:33] Because Stephen Tyler's always worried his mic stand's a little too cold.

[9:37] Let's tie a scarf around it.

[9:39] Anyway.

[9:41] Let's talk about what this movie is about.

[9:43] It's a fantasy set in old New York.

[9:45] So it's 1895.

[9:46] There's an immigrant couple from somewhere.

[9:49] And they don't get past Ellis Island because they have consumption.

[9:52] Their infant son is not allowed in.

[9:54] So they, in shades of Superman here.

[9:57] For the listeners of Moses.

[10:00] Consumption is the Doc Holliday disease.

[10:02] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[10:03] Or any pretty lady in our old movie.

[10:07] Any old thing that needed someone to die.

[10:09] That informs a lot as to your taste, Dan.

[10:11] And I think it's essentially tuberculosis, right?

[10:14] It is, yeah.

[10:15] But I mean, isn't the point just like it's a disease

[10:17] where you basically show the disease

[10:20] by just a bunch of coughing?

[10:21] Yeah, the telltale red spot in the handkerchief.

[10:24] Yeah, being pale and delicate and dying.

[10:27] As all the most beautiful women are,

[10:29] according to Ed Grell and Poe.

[10:31] So they, shades of Superman or Moses.

[10:33] I prefer to say Superman because the Moses story

[10:36] is actually more believable than the one in this movie.

[10:40] They put their baby in a model boat

[10:42] called the City of Justice.

[10:44] They set it adrift in New York Harbor.

[10:47] Can I ask you something?

[10:48] And then it, I guess, makes its way to shore.

[10:50] The baby doesn't die of exposure, yeah?

[10:52] I spaced out at the beginning of this movie.

[10:54] It ate fish and shit on the way.

[10:56] How entertaining.

[10:57] Fish and shit.

[10:58] How entertaining this movie was as I spaced out early.

[11:00] Although, to be fair, my downstairs neighbors

[11:03] were booming loud music, so that was distracting.

[11:05] Well, the movie opens, yeah, I think you spaced out

[11:07] because the movie opens with a voiceover

[11:09] about how like stars are full of miracles

[11:11] and when they die, do you become a star?

[11:13] My grandma always told me that legions of angels

[11:16] need to battle the devil.

[11:18] Where did they find this tiny boat?

[11:20] Because it was like a perfect.

[11:21] They stole it.

[11:22] I think it shows the dead stealing it from a display

[11:24] like on the ship they're on or in Ellis Island.

[11:27] All right.

[11:28] I wasn't quite sure.

[11:29] Anyway.

[11:30] It's like a perfect, you know, one-teeth model boat.

[11:33] It's a baby-sized boat.

[11:35] They were at Baby's R Us in the baby boat section

[11:38] and they just took it.

[11:40] Okay.

[11:41] And so that baby floated to New York

[11:43] where it became Colin Farrell.

[11:44] Where in 21 years, now we've also seen a prologue

[11:47] in which a Colin Farrell with long hair is in a room

[11:51] and he finds a nameplate for the City of Justice boat.

[11:54] 1895, baby gets put in the boat.

[11:55] Now it's 1916.

[11:56] Baby got boat.

[11:59] Even a grown-up's got to shout, baby got boat.

[12:04] I like little boats and I cannot lie.

[12:06] I'm a baby.

[12:10] And I didn't know what new career of yours

[12:12] is baby Weird Al, I guess.

[12:15] Yeah, I do baby versions of other songs.

[12:17] So like give me another song.

[12:18] I'll do a baby version of it.

[12:19] But you're not like a baby that looks like Weird Al.

[12:21] That's easy.

[12:22] Call me baby.

[12:23] I'm sorry.

[12:24] That was a gimme.

[12:26] I'm pooping in my pants and it seems crazy.

[12:28] But here's the problem.

[12:29] I'm a baby.

[12:30] That's the way it is.

[12:31] Good stuff.

[12:33] Yeah, gimme another one.

[12:35] I don't even know what's rolling in the deep.

[12:39] Rolling in the diaper, done.

[12:41] Okay.

[12:42] Okay, great.

[12:43] They call me Al Junior.

[12:45] Okay, so it's 1916 and Colin Farrell has grown up

[12:48] to become Peter Lake, a ne'er-do-well thief

[12:51] who is in a gangland by-

[12:53] He's named after where they fished him out of, right?

[12:56] He's what?

[12:56] They fished him out of a lake or something.

[12:58] So they named him Peter Lake.

[13:00] I mean, they didn't fish him out of a lake, really.

[13:01] He was in-

[13:02] The harbor.

[13:03] Like the New York Harbor or the Hudson River or something.

[13:05] Kind of the same thing though, right?

[13:07] I mean, in that they're all bodies of water.

[13:09] Maybe the person who found him didn't know the difference.

[13:11] That's very possible.

[13:13] It was me.

[13:14] He is being chased by a gang led by Russell Crowe,

[13:17] who is a gangster demon named Pearlie Soames.

[13:20] And Colin Farrell was a member of that gang

[13:24] and Pearlie Soames had big plans for him

[13:25] and now Colin Farrell wants to leave.

[13:26] So now Russell Crowe hates him.

[13:28] And he's saved at the last minute

[13:29] by a mysterious winged white horse named Horse.

[13:33] Yeah.

[13:34] Yeah.

[13:36] You glossed over Russell Crowe's Irish Popeye accent though.

[13:42] I mean-

[13:43] Well, let's talk about it.

[13:44] It's probably the most interesting-

[13:45] Yeah, Popeye.

[13:46] It sounds like a Popeye accent.

[13:47] It's probably the most fun performance in the movie.

[13:50] It's the hammiest, certainly.

[13:51] Well, he's as the demon villain.

[13:52] He gets to ham it up and chew the scenery.

[13:54] The only other demon who really gets the chance

[13:58] is Will Smith as Lucifer,

[14:00] which comes as kind of a surprise

[14:01] partway through the movie.

[14:02] But he plays it pretty subdued.

[14:05] Like he's still pretty Willennium style Will

[14:08] and doesn't wanna, even though he is, I guess,

[14:09] the Prince of Darkness, the fallen morning star,

[14:12] he doesn't wanna show too much emotion.

[14:14] Yeah, he's doing his best cipher rage impression.

[14:17] But what I like about this synopsis so far

[14:20] is I imagine the listener being like,

[14:22] oh man, they must be glossing over a lot of stuff.

[14:24] No, it's just as inexplicable as it sounds.

[14:26] Baby boat to man running from gang to flying horse.

[14:29] To demon to flying horse.

[14:31] So he decides he's gonna steal from one last house and-

[14:36] One last job.

[14:37] One last job.

[14:38] Retires from being a demon henchman, I guess.

[14:39] So he rides his magic horse over to Prospect Park,

[14:42] ties it up, and then uses a fucking grappling hook

[14:45] to climb up the side of a house.

[14:47] We don't see the grappling hook.

[14:48] We totally see the grappling hook.

[14:49] I don't remember that part.

[14:51] That's how he climbs up the side of the house.

[14:52] I mean, later he does climb up the side of a castle

[14:55] to have sex with a dying girl in a tent.

[14:57] Do you think he used the grappling hook

[14:58] or he floated up on his-

[14:59] We'll get to that later.

[15:00] He's probably got like a Bionic Commando style arm.

[15:03] Yeah, he's like a regular X-51 machine man.

[15:06] Yeah, there's nothing in the movie

[15:08] that says he doesn't have a grappling hook shooting arm.

[15:10] That's true.

[15:11] There's nothing in the movie that says he isn't Rorschach

[15:13] and doesn't have a grappling hook gun.

[15:14] Or that he can't play football.

[15:16] There's nothing in the movie that says he can't do that.

[15:17] There's nothing in the movie that says that.

[15:18] You know what?

[15:19] Put him in.

[15:21] His miracle white horse scored the touchdown.

[15:24] Nothing in the rule book that says

[15:25] the TriStar Pictures logo can't play on the team.

[15:28] Anyway, so he's robbing a mansion of Beverly Penn.

[15:32] Who's played by, you may know her as the Lady Sybil

[15:37] from Downton Abbey.

[15:39] I forget her name.

[15:41] Elizabeth something Finlay, I think.

[15:43] And lovely lady.

[15:45] You can IMDB it.

[15:46] She's the one who married the anarchist driver.

[15:51] The butler driver?

[15:52] Yeah.

[15:53] And then died of preeclampsia.

[15:58] Is Vivian the anarchist or is it Rick Miles' character?

[16:02] Rick is the anarchist.

[16:03] Vivian is the punk metalhead.

[16:05] Neil is a hippie.

[16:06] And Mike is the Thatcherite capitalist.

[16:09] So she married Rick Miles' character.

[16:12] That's right.

[16:13] She married one of the young ones.

[16:14] He's everyone's favorite character.

[16:16] Let's face it, Rick is the best one.

[16:19] What a great show, huh?

[16:20] Why couldn't we watch that?

[16:21] That's why we should've watched three or four episodes

[16:23] of that instead of two hours of this shit.

[16:25] Yeah, anyway, so Beverly Penn.

[16:27] Maybe see a musical performance by Crowded House

[16:29] or something.

[16:30] Yeah, or Motorhead.

[16:31] Sure.

[16:32] Or Dexys Midnight Runners.

[16:35] Or Alexi Sale singing that weird song

[16:37] about Doc Martin's boots.

[16:38] Look, I know that we've got a lot of young people

[16:40] in our audience who may not be familiar

[16:42] with the young ones.

[16:43] Look it up.

[16:44] Get the DVDs from Netflix if they exist.

[16:46] Go straight to the first episode of season two, Bambi.

[16:48] That's the best episode.

[16:49] The one where they're on University Challenge.

[16:51] So they should start with the best episode first.

[16:54] That's like watching Akira first

[16:56] and then watching other Japanese animations.

[16:58] I feel like that's how every person,

[17:00] everyone already did it.

[17:02] Before your Pokemons and your Digimons,

[17:04] every guy got into the anime with Akira.

[17:07] There's not a deep young ones mythology

[17:08] that they need to follow.

[17:09] There's only 12 episodes in the whole series, right?

[17:12] They only did two seasons.

[17:14] Yeah, I don't know.

[17:15] And then they all die in a bus explosion

[17:17] at the end of the last episode.

[17:19] So, spoiler alert, it doesn't matter.

[17:22] They die in other episodes too.

[17:23] In the Bambi episode, Vivian gets his head

[17:26] knocked off by a train.

[17:28] But anyway, so the house is owned by the Penn family.

[17:33] William Hurt is the dad and he's a newspaper editor.

[17:35] And his daughter,

[17:36] and his inexplicably English-accented daughter,

[17:39] since nobody else in the family has an English accent,

[17:42] is dying of consumption.

[17:44] In fact, her fever is so hot that later in the movie,

[17:46] she has to sleep outside because only the snows

[17:49] can cool her down enough to live.

[17:53] She catches Colin Farrell robbing the house

[17:55] and they of course have tea and fall in love.

[17:59] Adorable.

[18:00] Why wouldn't you?

[18:01] Yeah.

[18:02] A roguish, thief-like Colin Farrell.

[18:04] Now it's established that every person

[18:06] has a miracle inside them and it's their destiny

[18:08] to try to-

[18:09] Ah, get it out of me!

[18:11] Dan starts stabbing himself with a letter opener.

[18:14] No, I don't want it!

[18:15] But I think the scene-

[18:16] Don't worry, Dan, it's just a bullshit movie.

[18:19] Oh, thank God.

[18:20] It isn't until the scene where they're talking

[18:23] after she catches him trying to steal shit from her house.

[18:27] That's the first time where there's any actual

[18:29] characters or non-magical bullshit going on.

[18:33] That's the first scene where-

[18:34] Where two characters kind of have a conversation.

[18:36] Interact with each other.

[18:38] And yeah, as I said at the time,

[18:39] it was the closest I came to enjoying the movie.

[18:41] Because that was a scenario that I was like,

[18:43] oh, this is an interesting scenario.

[18:45] Guy comes to Robb's house.

[18:46] The lady catches him and they sit down and have tea and fall.

[18:50] After taking a bath.

[18:51] After she takes a bath,

[18:52] teasing Dan with the possibility of nudity

[18:54] and yet not paying off.

[18:56] Did not.

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:58] One of many reasons to be angry at this movie.

[19:01] Sure.

[19:02] Later you get to see her side boob in silhouette

[19:04] through a tent.

[19:06] Don't try and, don't patronize me.

[19:10] Don't patronize my side boob silhouette store.

[19:13] We don't need your business.

[19:14] Your money's no good here.

[19:16] So then, so, so he believes,

[19:20] they start to, everyone gets, I guess,

[19:21] gets to believe that his miracle is to save Beverly,

[19:23] the girl who's dying of consumption.

[19:25] So the gangster decides he's gonna ruin Peter's life

[19:29] by stop making it, unable for him to do this

[19:31] by killing Beverly first.

[19:33] Yeah, some kind of vision where he paints

[19:36] a picture of her using blood.

[19:37] They go to the Grand Central Oyster Bar

[19:40] and he slashes a guy across the throat

[19:42] and uses the blood to paint this picture

[19:44] of a red-haired woman looking at the moon.

[19:47] And he's like, that's who it is.

[19:48] Find the red-haired woman.

[19:50] Except he says it like, that's who it is.

[19:53] Oh, I'm Irish, oh, bathing magora.

[19:56] Well, blow me down, please.

[19:59] Bathing magora.

[20:00] And I'm gonna go over here's see

[20:03] Talk out of my breath. We're not gonna animate my mouth

[20:06] Cuz Jack Mercer is just putting it in after the fact

[20:09] And you can see Kevin Corrigan standing next to him rolling his eyes and waiting to cash that check

[20:14] he got for the movie as the henchman and yet Billy Corrigan nowhere to be found no a

[20:19] Spooky looking guy with a ton of star shit shouldn't he be floating around with melancholy and all that other infinite garbage

[20:30] It was like some kind of 60s science fiction story where there's just infinite garbage

[20:36] It's only do you discovered a planet of infinite garbage? I guess what he is

[20:41] Melancholy is very sad because he's lonely the only movie he has to watch is Hello, Dolly

[20:46] Which is not a very good movie when you learn to love from it

[20:49] So, you know that that's teaches us that there's something in every movie that we could be taking except Winter's Tale

[20:55] Yeah, which we'll continue with

[20:58] They try to kill the girl and Colin Farrell saves her with his magic horse and this continues the theme of the movie which is

[21:05] The magic horse saving Colin Farrell when he fucks up

[21:09] They escape the bat the bad guys because pearly is

[21:13] Supernaturally bound to New York. He cannot leave the five boroughs and so they escaped to you know up above

[21:20] You know in like Hamptons or something. Yeah somewhere north of it at the family's summer home. We're still snowing. It's still winter

[21:27] And this is when I'm checking up again on Wikipedia that Beverly explains that everyone is born with a miracle inside and when they die

[21:33] They become stars. Yeah, no, we're all made of star stuff as Carl Sagan would say

[21:39] I mean, we are technically made of star stuff when we die. We know our souls don't float up and add to stars

[21:44] How do you know Elliot?

[21:46] Well, because the sky does not change every night when thousands if not millions of people are dead

[21:51] Sure, how many people die every day this constellations we constantly shit

[21:55] If you want to become a star you need to like insult a god or goddess or do something else

[22:02] So in costume

[22:03] Contest or go on America's Got Talent and really Wow the judges exactly and that's your shortcut to stardom

[22:09] Maybe the only the only the really like maybe have a viral sex tape that like somehow gets you a career as a famous

[22:14] gad about

[22:16] Okay viral in a computer sense. Not like break

[22:19] We're having sex with a monkey again

[22:24] It's me the famous patient zero

[22:27] I'm the guy who had sex with that monkey and then spread it to humanity book deal, please

[22:35] Who's gonna play me in a movie Vin Diesel or Chris Pine, let's see

[22:40] I was just saying that maybe like, you know

[22:42] Only the really important people become full stars and then everyone else just you know

[22:46] Like they just add a little extra star to the existing. How do you get how do you gauge who's an important person?

[22:51] Like just George W. Bush get to be a star cuz he was president

[22:57] So it's like in certain mythologies that when you die you cross the bridge of swords and all the men you've slain

[23:02] Serve you in the afterlife

[23:04] It's not what I was saying. Okay, I

[23:07] agree

[23:10] All right, so I guess everybody slays some men's you can have some servants when you cross the bridge of swords

[23:16] Town, you know, I'll serve somebody else. I would I would cross the bridge of sheaths much less sharp

[23:21] Okay, you don't have to worry about breaking your plates made out of sheeps. Yes sheeps the bridge of sheeps

[23:26] Yeah, you can't you fall asleep halfway through because you're counting your steps

[23:31] So they he Lucifer says I'm not gonna let you yes little Smith will yes Will Smith. Hey

[23:39] Will can I can I do this? Can I get jiggy with this and leave the five?

[23:43] Way funnier than you said

[23:51] Hey, look, I want to say welcome to Miami, but I can't do that. I'm stuck in the five boroughs

[23:57] Can I leave and Lucifer says no. So instead

[24:00] Russell Crowe calls in a favor with another angel of the demons and

[24:05] That guy poisons Beverly's drink at a dance at the Colin Farrell and Beverly go to the dance

[24:10] they dance a lot then she she's sleeping in her roof tent and she undresses before and

[24:16] Before a candle set her sexy silhouette is seen through and then she just steps outside and takes her clothes off

[24:21] He appears in her tent, which means either he climbed it up up it like spider-man or move in the third or something

[24:28] It would be a very loop in the third move

[24:30] Or it means that he somehow convinced the flying horse to just carry him up there so he could do it

[24:38] To be his wing horse. Yeah

[24:42] The horse is watching probably come on horse horse, come on horse it

[24:46] Bro, come on. Come on. Do me a solid. Come on. We know what's gonna happen. Come on be a row

[24:51] I do the same for you. There was some fine filly up there. So you weren't of course gilded. Yeah

[24:56] Yeah, I'd fly up there my wings

[24:59] Fly you up there on my man wings and I had him. Yeah

[25:03] Come on you climb on me man horse riding a man no one's seen it before but do it. That's a story man rides horse

[25:10] That's not a story horse rides man. Now. You're talking. That's magic realism. We'll sell all the papers cuz we're newsies now

[25:18] Not old Z's. Nobody wants old Z's which is people who collect old newspapers and sell them to fish as overcoats

[25:25] We want to be newsies. We sell newspapers to people for reading

[25:28] Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is get me up that fucking castle cuz I gotta get in it, you know

[25:33] I'm saying I gotta get up and say I gotta have it. It's

[25:37] 1916 for all I know I could be sent to the fucking Western Front

[25:40] Just die in no man's land with some barbed wire and shit and machine guns chattering all that stuff

[25:46] Farewelling to arms and who gives a shit or so, I guess what I'm saying is

[25:51] Let's take me up there so I can get this thing over with horse. This lady has been teasing us all night

[25:56] Teasing us all night. What with her going into baths and heard that phony is

[26:02] My guess let me play phony is

[26:05] diaphanous

[26:08] Which would be two phonies that's great. That's the Greek God of two phonies

[26:16] With her Dionysus nightgowns, yeah. Yeah, let me put it in words. You understand horse. She is literally the carrot on the end of the

[26:26] Hey, look, I've heard hay is for horses. There is a crapload of hay in this for you

[26:30] If you'll get me up there, I don't care lifetime of hay

[26:34] I don't care what it takes you want a carrot great. You want a sugar cube great

[26:38] You want a carrot inside a sugar cube? I'll make it happen wrap it up in

[26:42] Hey, swallow that whole fucking thing down. Just do it and get me up there cuz I don't care

[26:48] Just fly me up there fly me up there fly me up there

[26:52] I'm gonna keep saying until you do it fly me up there fly me up there fly me up there fly me up there

[26:57] Can you see how into this I am you she is into me man, and you are standing in my way

[27:02] I am sitting on your back right now. So I know you can feel my bone

[27:07] You are hoof blocking me man. Why would you do this to a bro? Yeah rose before hooves, dude

[27:14] So all that happened exactly

[27:17] It was a great scene anyway, they go up and have sex and as with all first times having sex

[27:23] It's magical and it feels great for both of them

[27:25] And her dad doesn't walk in and she dies. It's not la petite mort. It's

[27:32] Yeah, it's el muerto grande

[27:35] This is an ariana muerto grande going on here

[27:39] She dies and he is heartbroken

[27:42] So when pearly shows up at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge with an army of men and they fight each other

[27:49] And he headbutts Colin Farrell off the bridge with five headbutts in a row

[27:53] And Colin using all different parts of his head when he butts him, too. Yeah. Yeah. Well you like the Native Americans

[27:59] He uses all parts of the head when he headbutts people so many butts and Dan was like butts. No, they were headbutts

[28:04] Sorry, Dan the worst kind of butts. Yeah, but some someone's head a panda babe, but if you will

[28:10] So named after the Star Wars cantina character who had a butt on his face anyway

[28:15] Colin Farrell falls into the water and here's where he crawls out and suddenly it's

[28:19] 2014 and he's apparently been wandering around for a hundred years

[28:24] Not remembering who he was but being mysteriously drawn to Beverly's grave

[28:28] How he lived lives that long because he's got to accomplish his miracle dudes the miracle on ice at the 1980 Olympics

[28:36] He wins that gold medal, do you believe in miracles USA USA still in amnesiac?

[28:41] I'm amazed they didn't have a montage ala

[28:44] X-men origins Wolverine of him fighting in every war between then and now that have been great

[28:49] But they didn't do that or him just like walking or him doing like chalk paintings while people fight around him

[28:55] Because he does a lot of chalk drawings of that same image that Russell Crowe painted in blood of a red-haired girl

[29:01] Staring at the moon now

[29:03] 2014 he's in Central Park wandering around like a hobo who has an apartment and somehow affords like you were saying food and clothes and

[29:10] Things even though he's an amnesiac no job

[29:12] And he bumps into a little girl and meets her mother Virginia played by

[29:16] Jennifer Connelly who I guess is just walking around her neighborhood in Park Slope, Brooklyn

[29:21] Except that they were in Central Park when they bump into each other. That's what's so weird, but it looks like well

[29:25] You're probably earlier there in Prospect Park. I'm gonna give this movie anything. I'll give it that

[29:30] There were a couple times when I'm like, oh William Hurt. Oh Jennifer Connelly. Nice to see you guys

[29:36] Nice to see you guys working. It seems like you've been away from movies. Even Murray Saint shows up

[29:41] Yeah, he's a piece of classic Hollywood. Yeah. Mm-hmm. When was the last time we saw her?

[29:46] Yeah, Kevin Corrigan a living link to the past

[29:53] So good casting I guess oh

[29:55] I mean, I like Russell Crowe. Yeah for the most part as an actor

[30:00] I mean, the heyday of what he could do a movie like The Insider and like disappear into a character seems to be over.

[30:07] I blame Cinderella Man. I think that was the breaking point.

[30:10] But anyway, the…

[30:11] And Colin Farrell has been good in things before. Not this.

[30:16] No, not this because now he – I forget what happens but he somehow is like, you know what?

[30:21] I'm not going to have amnesia anymore.

[30:23] I think I'll go back to my hiding place in Grand Central Station and find my old stuff.

[30:27] He picks up the cancer kit and the cancer kit reminds him that…

[30:30] And the cancer kit is brought to him by – here's the thing we glossed over earlier.

[30:33] He hires a stable for his magic horse earlier and he gives the money to the black stable hand.

[30:39] Is this a normal person? No.

[30:41] It's one of the magical black people that lives in movies and helps white people.

[30:44] Yeah.

[30:45] And the – now suddenly it's…

[30:46] Bagger Vance, if you will.

[30:47] It's 100 years later and this faux Bagger Vance character is just hanging out in Central Park and he…

[30:52] Tossing his coin around.

[30:53] Tossing a coin that Colin Farrell gave him around and he goes, here's your change, Peter, and he flips it and there's a shimmer of light.

[30:59] Everything in this movie shines like crazy in the light.

[31:02] It's tons of glinting and the little girl bumps into him.

[31:05] That character, never seen again, that magic guy.

[31:09] It is the most like token character you could throw in.

[31:13] Yeah.

[31:14] He's in like basically three scenes.

[31:16] And then he has a token.

[31:17] He literally has a token.

[31:18] He literally has a token in there.

[31:19] And then a magical coin.

[31:21] Peter gets his memory back.

[31:22] He decides…

[31:23] But not magical gems.

[31:24] That's what – Russell Crowe has that like plate of magic gems.

[31:27] Yeah, that he just kind of shakes around.

[31:29] And once the light flows through it and it makes like an image of a building.

[31:33] Like I'm not sure what – there's a lot of magic in this movie that we just catch glimpses of that is not explained enough to make it cool.

[31:40] And instead it's just like, what are they doing now?

[31:43] Nor is there enough stuff in the background to make it feel like there's this like fleshed out world.

[31:49] This is a movie struggling against the limits of its budget constantly.

[31:53] I could easily see there being a movie where they don't explain the magic, and that's what's great about it.

[31:58] Like it just is a thing that exists, and you're left to pick it up.

[32:01] I'm not quite sure what the difference is like other than this movie is…

[32:08] Between what?

[32:09] Between a good version of a movie that doesn't explain the magic and a bad movie.

[32:13] Except for this movie, all the magic is completely arbitrary.

[32:16] Cut out all the fucking exposition. This movie is overloaded with it.

[32:19] Well, that's the thing. There's a lot – for as much as they don't explain, they over-explain a lot of other stuff.

[32:25] That's true.

[32:26] Like we find out she has to pick up her daughter at 3.30.

[32:29] Somebody else likes pecans.

[32:31] Jennifer Connelly explains her job and that she works there and a couple other things to the person.

[32:37] She's talking to a receptionist. She's like, I work here.

[32:39] Okay, I'm the food columnist.

[32:41] Great, why are you telling me this?

[32:43] I'm working on a pecan piece.

[32:46] Colin Farrell shows up at this place that – I guess it's the newspaper offices of the – it's something called the Penn Reading Room.

[32:56] We skipped over when he met William Hurt and they had this conversation about whether he likes to drink wine at dinner.

[33:02] Yeah, who the fuck cares?

[33:03] And how the words claret and filet are pronounced.

[33:05] It's supposed to be charming, I guess, but it's like, movie, you're killing me.

[33:11] What's with the filler? What's with the stovetop stuffing here? Come on.

[33:14] Yeah, this is all filler, no killer.

[33:17] And no Phyllis Diller. Just one Phyllis Diller laugh would have meant the world to me.

[33:22] I mean I do think that this is what happens when a screenwriter directs a movie.

[33:27] He's like, this is all gold. All of it is gold. It's all stinging.

[33:31] Especially when it's Akiva Goldsman.

[33:33] He thinks it's all gold because it's gold in his name, who you may know as the writer of Lost in Space and what?

[33:39] Batman and Robin, the writer of The Beautiful Mind.

[33:42] He is a producer of a bunch of movies.

[33:43] Somehow he's a tremendously high-paid screenwriter.

[33:45] He's an incredibly successful Hollywood professional who has, I think, yet to make a single movie that I like, that I've seen.

[33:52] Yeah, agreed.

[33:54] Wait, I thought you said Lost in Space. That's how he got William Hurt.

[33:57] Yeah, all the fun times they had on set with Matt LeBlanc.

[34:01] Just goofing.

[34:04] That time when they started calling it Lost in Case and it was like, we're stuck in this giant suitcase.

[34:11] Oh, they played that game a lot.

[34:14] I've got to watch the DVD extras now.

[34:15] Oh, they talk about it a lot.

[34:16] You're spoiling them all.

[34:17] There's a DVD extra called Pranks in Space, which is all about all the practical jokes they played on the set.

[34:22] For instance, one day –

[34:23] Lost in Lace, they all wore lingerie to the set.

[34:26] Only Matt LeBlanc did that. It was weird.

[34:30] There was one whole day where Kieva Goldsman kept calling William Hurt John Hurt as a joke.

[34:35] By the middle of the day, William Hurt started wondering if maybe his name was John Hurt and he had been getting it wrong all these years.

[34:42] He was like, so was I an alien or is his name William Hurt and I'm John Hurt?

[34:48] Why do I keep getting William Hurt's mail?

[34:52] There's a problem here.

[34:53] Whose trailer should I get in? My trailer or William Hurt's trailer?

[34:57] Which one of us was the accidental terrorist? I can't remember anymore.

[35:01] Was I – did I do a video production of Craps Less Tape by Samuel Beckett or was that the other Hurt?

[35:09] I can't understand anymore.

[35:11] Was I in Spaceballs or was I not in Spaceballs?

[35:15] Hold on a second.

[35:16] 1984, was that me?

[35:18] Hurt, the song, did I write that?

[35:22] Is it about me?

[35:24] Boy, am I confused.

[35:25] At the end of the day, Kieva Goldsman was like, prank, surprise, your name is William Hurt.

[35:29] But by that time, his sense of self had been destroyed.

[35:32] He was a madman.

[35:33] He was just a shambling, insane, shell husk of himself.

[35:37] Who am I?

[35:38] What?

[35:39] I am I John William?

[35:41] That's why he hasn't been in movies lately.

[35:43] Because that happened 20 years ago.

[35:46] He'd become this Renfeld character eating bugs and whatnot.

[35:49] So that he could eventually work his way up to being a vampire like the master, Kieva Goldsman.

[35:54] Did I mention he's a vampire?

[35:56] He is.

[35:57] Anyway, Kieva is short for a key vampire.

[36:02] So he shows up at the pen reading room, which is named after William Hurt's character, and he's trying to find information about whatever.

[36:11] And Jennifer Connelly overhears him and is like, here, I'll help you.

[36:14] They go back to the microfilm library, and she finds a picture from 1916 of Beverly and Peter together.

[36:20] But that can't be you.

[36:22] He hasn't aged a day.

[36:23] What?

[36:24] And she even suggests that it's his dad.

[36:27] And I'm like, that's been 90 years, dude.

[36:30] He's 21 years old, clearly.

[36:33] How old do you think his dad was?

[36:35] Maybe it's one of those last surviving son of a Confederate general or something like that.

[36:40] So they had a kid when they were in their 80s.

[36:43] They go to the newspaper offices, and she reintroduces him to Beverly's once young, now elderly sister Willa, played by Eva Marie Saint.

[36:51] They go back to the old house in Park Slope, and she tells them she likes pecans.

[36:57] That's basically the extent of that scene.

[36:59] He goes to have dinner with Jennifer Connelly and her daughter.

[37:02] Her daughter has a seizure, and it turns out she has cancer and is dying.

[37:06] This is it.

[37:07] This is the miracle that he was sent to stop.

[37:10] She has red hair.

[37:11] She's the red-haired girl he was sent to save, not his only love, uh-oh, Pearlie, who's still alive.

[37:17] Wait, is he going to have sex with a little girl?

[37:19] No, that is not what happens.

[37:21] As you noticed, as Zardoz said, the penis is death, the penis is evil, as he showed by killing her with his penis, and she died after they had sex.

[37:31] So according to Zardoz's rule—

[37:33] A real bad Johnson.

[37:35] So his enormous Johnson.

[37:38] Was that what those shirts were, or was it—

[37:40] No, I think it was huge Woody and big Johnson.

[37:43] That's what it was, yeah, and Cohen naked lacrosse or whatever.

[37:46] Yeah, and where do the big dogs come in?

[37:48] Anywhere?

[37:49] Well, they certainly don't sit on the porch, Dan.

[37:52] Okay.

[37:53] Anyway, no fear, Mossimo.

[37:55] Other trend shirts, Stussy.

[37:58] That all are what would be written on shirts that somebody with Colin Farrell's hair would be wearing.

[38:03] The important thing.

[38:04] Colin Farrell has this mid-'90s high schooler haircut.

[38:08] Yep, a real skater boy haircut.

[38:10] The important thing is shirts that can only be worn by the coolest of people.

[38:15] And only for six months before they stop being cool.

[38:18] The great thing about those shirts is that they're really snug around the neck, but they flare out around the waist to accommodate your bulky waistline.

[38:25] You've got to leave room for people to see the Umbro soccer shorts that you're also wearing.

[38:29] Were those big when you were a kid?

[38:31] When I was a teen, those were huge.

[38:32] I mean, I was a soccer player, so yeah.

[38:34] Everybody wore them when I was a kid, not just—

[38:36] I would say I would wear one of those shirts over a pair of Jenko jeans.

[38:39] Okay.

[38:40] The kind of jeans that make people believe that you might not have legs at all, but you just float around on currents of air.

[38:49] And, of course, hypercolor was also in there somewhere, too.

[38:52] Yeah, slap bracelets. Go on.

[38:55] I think you're getting your timelines mixed up.

[38:57] You've got your bootleg Simpson shirts, bootleg Ninja Turtles shirts, all that stuff.

[39:02] Anyway, Hurley is still alive.

[39:05] He finds out Peter is still alive because his magic jewels tell him.

[39:08] And they go to Jennifer Connelly's apartment.

[39:11] The good guys escape on the back of Magic Horse, who shows up again and flies them away to the old house, the old castle outside of town.

[39:19] But—what would you say?

[39:21] Before this, Russell Crowe goes to Will Smith, and he's like, bro, I'm tired of being in this movie.

[39:27] Make me a mortal person so that if I battle this dude, I'll die for real.

[39:30] Well, he does that so he can leave the city.

[39:33] Yeah, but I think—I mean, at this point, he's just given up.

[39:36] Yeah. Well, he's so driven with hate and revenge, and he wants to be out of the movie.

[39:42] Yeah.

[39:43] And so they go. They escape to the castle.

[39:47] The bad guys drive up in a bunch of cars.

[39:49] What a surprise. Flying Horse comes along and saves them by cracking the ice on a frozen lake, thus making all the henchmen sink into the water, killing them, I assume.

[40:00] singing the cars

[40:01] there's a fistfight between russell crowe and conferral russell crowe's

[40:04] winning handily

[40:05] and the conferral stabs him in the neck with the nameplate from the toy ship

[40:09] that brought him to new york in the first probably what is that i had my

[40:13] you know

[40:14] uh... and

[40:16] peter

[40:17] like crabby seems to die

[40:19] and peter cries on her and it brings her back to life

[40:22] and then that was a marylouise inside that was a miracle that was inside him

[40:26] and his work done he visits beverly's grave one last time and gets on his

[40:29] magic horse and flies off into the stars to be a star forget like the

[40:33] bullshit narration was like

[40:35] why did this girl get saved

[40:37] who knows maybe everyone's important maybe the world is looking out for

[40:42] everybody mike

[40:43] wait hold on that's not true millions of people died tragically all the time

[40:48] what the fuck

[40:49] what the fuck movies they don't all get to live in nice fucking manhattan

[40:52] apartments

[40:54] or fancy park slope houses yeah magic does not intervene on all of our

[40:58] behalves when something shitty happens similar to emmett shamalan signs in

[41:03] which we are told that asthma was put on this earth to protect one kid from an

[41:07] alien with gas coming out of his wrists once

[41:10] so it's like oh so all those people who died from it i guess that was acceptable

[41:13] losses to save this one kid

[41:15] so that it mel gibson could rediscover his faith you know it's

[41:19] it's a bullshit

[41:20] yeah it's a borderline offensive

[41:23] reading of the universe so here's what i tell you about this movie okay is it

[41:27] particularly well-made

[41:28] the writing is low-key and sloppy

[41:31] and boring how are the special effects

[41:33] pretty cheap looking

[41:35] is it well shot

[41:36] no mission the scenes always look like the cameras getting in close to hide the

[41:40] fact that they don't have a lot of

[41:42] background or budget to show you extras or things like that about the

[41:45] performances performances are

[41:47] wooden

[41:48] and uh... lifeless but here's what screenplays top-notch rate as mentioned

[41:52] here's the writing is not so good about low-key and uh... the music is forgettable

[41:58] forgettable at worst recall

[42:00] uh... but here's what i'm going to say about the movie

[42:03] costuming costuming fine i mean it's not particularly great costuming is solid i would say

[42:09] i would say sometimes it's solid but sometimes it looks like the same clothes

[42:12] are used for nineteen sixteen and twenty fourteen that's true

[42:15] yeah they're all sleepy hollows

[42:17] uh... yeah

[42:18] uh... i will say

[42:20] i admire

[42:21] the ambition

[42:23] in making a fantasy romance and not playing it ironically or we can get the

[42:27] audience

[42:28] but attempting to

[42:30] actually have some sort of

[42:32] grand emotional romantic uh...

[42:36] what's the word uh... was the opposite of irony

[42:39] uh... sincerity sincerity thank you

[42:41] some real sincerity to it

[42:43] i can never the word i have so much for remembering all the time which says bad

[42:46] things about me and i will call you mister antonin

[42:49] that's the dumbest batman villain

[42:54] i'm going to safe keep the diamond he's going to rob it

[42:59] it's mister antonin how did you know batman well i just did the opposite of what you told

[43:04] me

[43:06] the escape hatch

[43:08] is through that door ok i guess i'll take the other one

[43:12] i mean great

[43:14] i mean not foiled again because i have been foiled again batman's like at what point are

[43:19] you not just bizarro

[43:21] well you're just saying the opposite that's why i'm buttman

[43:25] buttman it's a porno yeah

[43:29] this is uh... buttman meets mister antonin

[43:32] did we not mention that

[43:36] it's one of those

[43:37] crossovers with marvel right uh... yeah it's one of those porn crossovers

[43:43] uh... so uh... so here's what i'm going to say

[43:46] not a good movie

[43:47] okay but

[43:48] i'm always saying i'd like to see more

[43:50] movies that are fantasies that are not

[43:53] two armies clashing across a verdant

[43:56] new zealand field

[43:57] and a bunch of dwarves and and hobbits and dragons and shit uh oh the twitching that's going on in steward's face

[44:02] i'm just saying there's more to fantasy than like vaguely medieval settings

[44:06] so i appreciate that a story like that was attempted but they did it very poorly and i didn't like it

[44:10] it was boring

[44:11] well i think i mean i think you're right as much as i love all the lord of the rings and

[44:15] hobbit movies

[44:17] i feel like every other movie is trying to do that like

[44:22] the movie we haven't watched yet dracula untold or whatever

[44:26] i'm assuming from the trailers it does the same shit like all the three hundred clones

[44:31] i mean like fantasy does not have to instantly mean

[44:34] slashed leather doublets

[44:36] and you know like wooden wheeled carts full of hay

[44:41] or like thatched roofs you know it's like

[44:43] i wish i'd like this movie more because i like

[44:46] movies with a fantastical element that are not set in a

[44:49] middle-earth medieval setting

[44:52] everything about it was really boring and dull

[44:56] i'm just giving over final judgments because we all agree it's a bad bad movie

[44:59] it's kind of like if you took right now if you took like a terry gilliam movie

[45:03] and you drained all the blood out of it

[45:05] maybe this was one of the dullest movies we've watched this was like a john

[45:10] foster dullest movie

[45:13] yeah i mean if you want to watch a movie that has the same kind of feel or like

[45:17] what this movie is going for go watch fucking stardust

[45:21] which is a better version of this movie basically and yeah yeah in some ways yeah

[45:26] so

[45:27] uh... moving on it just makes me mad that this movie about fantasy new york got made

[45:31] my screenplay

[45:32] about a bunch of wizards and ninjas fighting over real estate in new york

[45:36] yeah i mean i don't know if this is going to get me i think it would be

[45:40] hinged on robert moses maybe the reason that all the information you need to

[45:44] know is there

[45:45] here's one of things i don't like let me just say this and then we'll get to the

[45:47] letters

[45:48] it's robert moses control the ninjas or the wizards

[45:51] uh... both essentially well the ninjas basically but there's wizardry involved

[45:55] here's the thing

[45:56] people are so ready to watch a movie where they have to learn a lot of fake

[45:59] made-up

[46:00] mythology bullshit

[46:02] like star wars crap or lord of the rings crap or whatever

[46:05] fast and furious crap

[46:07] but if a movie involves actual history people are like

[46:10] forget it

[46:11] don't want to learn any of that stuff boring

[46:14] i'll tell you what

[46:15] don't tell me any facts about things that actually happened

[46:18] tell me about who won the battle of cal's cagoule back in the eighth

[46:22] meridian age against the gorzazians

[46:26] uh... okay well that was

[46:28] uh... that's the only thing that is the median age or the the twelfth no marian

[46:32] age uh... i might have been a little bit of the fifteenth abyssinian a before we

[46:36] go home

[46:38] before we move on to let us all lost calendar before we move on when king's

[46:42] sword goes to rule with his iron clockwork zombie man yeah before we move

[46:47] on the letters

[46:49] uh... just a word of thanks this is the first uh... show that's coming out

[46:53] post max fund drive thank you to everyone let's drive twenty fifteen

[46:57] thank you to everyone who supported the show we are new to the maximum fund

[47:01] network and nude to the maximum so sometimes uh...

[47:04] unlike

[47:05] all shows that have

[47:07] you know like donors that are re-upping like we are starting from zero in terms

[47:11] of donations zero

[47:13] uh... so thank you to everyone who donated and listed us as one of the

[47:17] shows that they listen to thank you very much thereby throwing some money our way

[47:21] i really appreciate it

[47:23] and we all do and uh... there's something really nice about getting that

[47:27] kind of direct support

[47:28] from listeners

[47:30] you don't have to but it shows that you really care about us and we care about

[47:34] you so thank you

[47:51] for health advice is sometimes a good idea

[47:55] and what happens when artists are really honest

[47:58] and i just i think of most of my career

[48:02] in music and art as

[48:04] a bunch of failures

[48:06] so what keeps you going

[48:09] check out rendered now at maximum fund dot org or wherever you like to listen

[48:13] to podcasts

[48:17] to move on

[48:18] letters to talk about but some of the listeners

[48:21] uh...

[48:23] well

[48:23] what's that in dan's hand

[48:25] what's that in dan's hand

[48:26] all over the land they're asking what's in dan's hand it's a piece of paper i think

[48:32] i think it's a paper with writing on it what's it say

[48:37] today

[48:38] dear flophouse

[48:40] on this paper there is a map

[48:43] to a treasure

[48:44] beyond measure

[48:46] maybe it's crap

[48:48] but go and follow it there

[48:50] you'll fight bears

[48:52] you'll eat hares

[48:53] rabbits that is not like a wig

[48:57] it's a magical quest in a letter

[49:00] for dan

[49:01] dear dan

[49:02] you may not remember me but i'm the long lost mother of your child

[49:08] i'm a princess from mars and i need you to come back to rule my planet for me

[49:13] signed

[49:14] dan

[49:15] why'd you sign your name in your fake letter that you wrote dan? it's not a song anymore you're just saying things

[49:19] i'm talk singing like rex harrison yeah thanks my fair lady

[49:23] anyway

[49:24] uh... so first letter buckle in guys this one's a little long

[49:29] okay we'll make it longer because we're interrupting

[49:31] greetings to flophouse let me be the first to congratulate you on your

[49:34] upcoming eightieth anniversary thanks dude

[49:37] yes the privileged few remember you when you first premiered in the fall nineteen

[49:40] thirty four season on w e a f radio

[49:43] and your early it shows you how old this letter is that it's the eightieth anniversary in

[49:47] twenty fourteen which was months ago your early rivalry with edgar bergen and

[49:52] charlie mccarthy

[49:53] those were the

[49:54] halcyon days when the show was called american telephone and telegraph theater

[49:58] presents dan mccoy's the flophouse

[50:00] Stuart was particularly memorable during those early years as his dulcet tones helped the

[50:04] nation forget the ravages of the Depression, and we dreamed of a better world in which

[50:08] we too could ride high as the capstone of a pyramid of a water-skiing bikini model.

[50:13] It's a shame that Stuart was fined so many times for saying bootylicious.

[50:17] Truly, he was ahead of his time.

[50:20] The 1940s brought the Flophouse into the war effort.

[50:23] As Dan called on America each and every fortnight to buy war bonds, it was a shame that Elliot

[50:29] It was a shame that Elliot was absent during many of those shows, but when we later learned

[50:33] he was in Los Alamos working on the Manhattan Project, we knew it was for the greater good.

[50:57] We were trying to create a drink, a cocktail, so powerful it could blow up Japan.

[51:01] We didn't, but we created the Manhattan.

[51:03] Elliot was not a scientist, of course.

[51:05] He was brought in to do the first of what would later become Elliot's world-famous

[51:08] movie screenings.

[51:09] After the secrecy was lifted, it was fun to learn that Oppenheyer and Feynman were huge

[51:12] movie buffs.

[51:13] I also remember your 20th anniversary television spectacular during a very special episode

[51:17] of The Ed Sullivan Show, in which your eager fans finally learned the true stories behind

[51:22] their favorite hosts.

[51:25] Danforth Skrillex McAvoy, old-money scion of the Newport McAvoys and the Los Angeles

[51:30] Skrillexes, leveraged his family's vast, mournful side-based fortune into America's

[51:38] most popular radio show.

[51:40] It seems Stuart Wellington was actually born Suprat Wanadit of Thailand, the last surviving

[51:47] heir to the long-vanquished kingdom of Atuthia.

[51:54] That might be real history stuff, but the audience is like, boring, give me some fantasy

[51:57] shit.

[51:58] Tell me something about a space empire.

[52:00] Are they Tigermen?

[52:01] Seeing that he had already become the coolest dude in all of Asia, he set off on a steamer

[52:06] to conquer the West, taking an American name that sounded only vaguely like his birth name.

[52:11] He famously quipped to William Randolph Hearst, fuck it, close enough.

[52:15] As we all know, Elliot has no memory before the time he found himself prowling the frozen

[52:19] plains of Canada, his heightened senses tracking the arctic animals, his bone claws itching

[52:24] to burst forth from the backs of his hands.

[52:26] To this day, he doesn't speak of the secret government project that laced his bones with

[52:30] steel.

[52:31] Well, some nerd on the Jon Stewart show once said they weren't steel, but rather some kind

[52:36] of crazy moon man element, but he doesn't know what he's talking about.

[52:41] This TV appearance was, of course, also America's very first glimpse of the Flophouse house

[52:47] cat who strutted onto stage with his greased back hair, insolent blue jeans, never had

[52:55] a television appearance cause such an uproar, however, director Nicholas Ray would soon

[53:00] after base the movie Rebel Without a Cause on the house cat, and the appearance stuck

[53:06] in the mind of a young Jim Morrison, who would later dedicate the Doors record Strange Days

[53:10] to him, although Morrison referred to the house cat only as his royal awesomeness.

[53:15] I could go on, but I'll leave you with this, mostly I remember the spectacular guest hosts

[53:18] from Flophouse history, Lucille Ball, Jackie Gleason, Boris Karloff, Andy Kaufman, Carol

[53:23] Burnett, Johnny Carson, and my personal favorite, a young Michael Caine.

[53:27] What are your favorite memories from your illustrious careers?

[53:29] Congratulations on your 80 years, and here's to another 80, Nick's last name withheld.

[53:34] Thank you.

[53:35] Thanks Nick, that was great.

[53:36] I mean, it took 80 years to read the thing, but wow, it's been a long strange time, hasn't

[53:41] it guys?

[53:42] Kind of makes me want to say, thanks for the memories, for Stuart and his pants, for Dan

[53:51] and all those ants, for me, and another thing that ends in ants, thank you so much, we've

[54:02] had a fun time, it's just talking now, we've had a lot of fun tonight, had some fun limes,

[54:10] we've committed crimes, covered ourselves in grime, have you heard the chimes at midnight,

[54:17] a movie I've never quite gotten around to seeing, but I've heard good things sometimes.

[54:25] Thank you.

[54:26] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[54:27] That reprise.

[54:28] That was our opening song, yeah.

[54:31] I guess we're 100 years old, this is our 80th anniversary.

[54:35] Yep, we're a bunch of Colin Farrell's, Peter Lake's, Wittersdale's.

[54:39] I got a miracle in me, Elliot, would you like to see it?

[54:42] After the show, I guess.

[54:43] Sounds weirdly sexual.

[54:44] So, this next letter is titled...

[54:46] Do you have a miracle in you?

[54:47] Would you like one?

[54:48] This next letter is titled, appropriately, after that last letter, in case you are in

[54:53] need of a short letter to read on the show, and it goes like this...

[55:01] Yours in flopship, Cassandra last name withheld, of the clan last name withheld.

[55:06] I feel harassed.

[55:07] Thank you.

[55:08] Thank you, Cassandra.

[55:09] You said that weird.

[55:10] Yeah, I'm not sure if the inflection was what...

[55:13] How would you read this?

[55:16] Like, hmm.

[55:18] You sounded like someone had been kidnapped and tape put over their mouths, but they were

[55:21] kind of harassed.

[55:22] I don't know, I just read what's on the page.

[55:25] I think it says...

[55:26] I don't know how you're getting that sound.

[55:34] You gotta make your mouth weird, and then just push air out of your lungs.

[55:38] No, I get how you make that sound, I just don't know how you look at what's on the page.

[55:42] How do you translate that visual writing to that sound?

[55:45] Okay, so synapses start firing in my old brain box.

[55:50] Laser beams go to my chest, where I compress my diaphragm.

[55:54] Laser beams.

[55:56] So I appreciate...

[55:57] A magic horse flies into your nostrils.

[56:00] I appreciate keeping that one short.

[56:02] And now, here's a letter that's in between those two extremes.

[56:06] Wow, we're running the gamut tonight.

[56:08] From long letters to short letters to middle letters, the Flophouse has got it all.

[56:13] Popular Asian horror movie between those two extremes.

[56:18] It's an anthology of just one movie, and then you have to imagine what the other two movies were.

[56:25] It goes like this.

[56:26] Hey dudes.

[56:27] Hello from one of your fans.

[56:28] This guy sounds cool.

[56:29] Hello from one of your fans of African American descent.

[56:32] That's right, I said fans.

[56:34] A few months ago, I was successfully...

[56:36] Were the other letters not from fans?

[56:39] Dan, what have you been hiding from us?

[56:40] I was successfully able to get my older brother addicted to the podcast.

[56:43] More gaslighting than French Connection 2.

[56:46] Now I finally have another person...

[56:48] You mean you didn't fill him up with heroin?

[56:51] Now I finally have another person to talk to,

[56:52] since apparently all my white friends are not nerdy slash black enough to listen to the Flophouse.

[56:58] Recently, I texted my brother excitedly that Stewart mentioned Too Short on the Flophouse.

[57:03] He replied, quote, nice.

[57:06] This brings me to the crux of my letter.

[57:08] I was playing a game with my brother to find out which of the hosts would be most mistaken

[57:13] for a black man based solely on their main characteristics.

[57:16] I mean, none of us probably.

[57:17] Elliot is the front runner because of his love of Popeyes.

[57:20] Young black men like myself...

[57:21] That is offensive.

[57:22] ...appreciate Popeyes for being a sanction of flavor and spices.

[57:26] It is delicious.

[57:26] Elliot obviously gets that.

[57:28] Then there's Dan, most would say the most obviously white guy of the group,

[57:31] but he gets props for his love of OPP or Pacific...

[57:34] specifically OPB, Other People's Butts.

[57:38] He gets it.

[57:39] If the flopper who's most likely to have a subscription to King magazine...

[57:44] Then Stewart.

[57:44] He has a huge penis.

[57:46] That's his in.

[57:47] Yay!

[57:48] You don't know that.

[57:49] That's hearsay.

[57:49] That's hearsay from Stewart.

[57:53] Anywho...

[57:54] It's not like the National Penis Bureau released its statistics.

[57:57] Yeah, but it's not like...

[57:58] Not like traveling scalds spread the word the songs of my weenus

[58:03] of Jormungandr snaking its way through my trousers.

[58:06] Gather round, children, I'll tell you a tale of a serpent as large as a whale.

[58:12] Jesus, if I had been...

[58:13] If I had to do it over again, I would have started a rumor about my penis at the beginning of the show.

[58:18] Yeah, well, you didn't get...

[58:19] You didn't jump on that when you should have.

[58:20] Yeah, strike while the penis is hot.

[58:23] With what, a hammer?

[58:25] Why is the penis hot?

[58:26] I don't like that.

[58:28] Because you have a consumption fever that makes you too burning up.

[58:32] You gotta stick your penis in snow.

[58:34] He says, Anywho, I say Dan because, if anything,

[58:36] it'll make Elliot suspicious of who actually wrote this letter.

[58:39] Yeah, Dan did.

[58:40] P.S. I really want to win a contest so I can make you guys watch Prince's directorial debut,

[58:44] Magnum Opus, Under the Cherry Moon, the sequel to Purple Rain.

[58:48] Peace and love.

[58:49] Peace and love.

[58:50] Julian, last name withheld.

[58:52] Thanks for writing in, Julian.

[58:53] Hey, thanks.

[58:54] Thank you for...

[58:55] And giving us cred.

[58:58] Yep.

[58:58] Which stands for...

[58:59] Thanks for writing a letter that made Dan look at me weird.

[59:04] Because it made him think about your penis.

[59:04] I wouldn't say Iago weird, but a little bit weird.

[59:08] Do you mean Iago from Othello or Iago from Aladdin?

[59:11] Wait, there's an Iago in Aladdin?

[59:13] Yeah, the little bird that Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of.

[59:16] Jafar's right-hand bird, Iago.

[59:19] That's weird.

[59:20] Did Shakespeare get it from...

[59:22] From Aladdin, yeah.

[59:23] No kidding.

[59:24] Shakespeare's plays are full of references to Disney movies.

[59:26] Okay.

[59:28] It's the tragedy of Bamblet, Dio of Denmark.

[59:33] Yeah, this is the last.

[59:34] I think it also doubles as a porno.

[59:37] Has there ever been a porno of Hamlet?

[59:39] Seven very short gentlemen of Verona.

[59:44] I wonder, has there ever been a porn of Hamlet where instead of

[59:47] stabbing Polonius through the curtain, he's just like shoving his dick through the curtain?

[59:52] Yeah, I mean, probably.

[59:53] Somebody make that.

[59:54] I mean, this is your time to...

[59:56] Yeah, you're leaving money on the table.

[59:59] Oh, I don't know what money is.

[1:00:00] Probably a lot of puns.

[1:00:03] So this last letter, another short one.

[1:00:06] Dear Elliot,

[1:00:07] That's me!

[1:00:08] Which Busby Berkeley number is pervious?

[1:00:10] Biowaterfall or Dames?

[1:00:12] Sincerely, PJ, last name withheld.

[1:00:14] P.S. Please recommend more pre-code musicals.

[1:00:17] Okay.

[1:00:18] I mean, well, Dames is my favorite of those, but

[1:00:21] Biowaterfall, I mean, the girls look neuter,

[1:00:24] whereas Dames, though, is just about dames.

[1:00:26] I would say it's in...

[1:00:28] Is it in Roman...

[1:00:30] No, it's in Fashions of 1934, I think,

[1:00:33] is the number where the women were actually nude in certain shots

[1:00:37] and just had their hair covering different places.

[1:00:40] But, uh...

[1:00:41] I mean, I remember the Gold Diggers of 1933.

[1:00:43] It's some pretty racy shit.

[1:00:45] It's super racy.

[1:00:46] But I don't know, I'd say pervy, though.

[1:00:48] No, you know what?

[1:00:49] The pervious is maybe some of the stuff in, uh...

[1:00:53] Is it in Footlight Parade, the Honeymoon Hotel number?

[1:00:56] I think that's the one where, uh...

[1:01:00] Why am I forgetting his name?

[1:01:01] What's the name of the dwarf actor who was in tons and tons of stuff?

[1:01:06] I don't know.

[1:01:07] Uh...

[1:01:08] Kenny Baker.

[1:01:09] No, not Kenny Baker.

[1:01:10] Oh, wait. Warwick Davis.

[1:01:11] No, not Warwick Davis.

[1:01:15] This is frustrating.

[1:01:16] Well, anyway, he is like...

[1:01:18] I want to say he like...

[1:01:20] Udo Kier.

[1:01:21] It's implied that he just slept with a guy's wife on her honeymoon

[1:01:23] and he throws something at him as he scurries under the bed.

[1:01:26] Or, uh...

[1:01:27] I don't know, you know what?

[1:01:28] I saw a clip from Flying Down to Rio recently

[1:01:30] where they had, like, ladies on the wings of a plane

[1:01:32] with clearly nipples visible through the bodysuits they were wearing.

[1:01:38] I mean, that's possible.

[1:01:39] I mean, nothing beats the one scene in the movie The Hurricane,

[1:01:43] the John Ford movie,

[1:01:44] where the wind literally just blows a woman's clothes off for a split second

[1:01:48] and you can see her boobs in a movie in the 30s

[1:01:50] and you're like, wait, what?

[1:01:51] What just happened?

[1:01:52] Is this Screwballs?

[1:01:54] I'm looking up this name because it's really...

[1:01:56] Oh, uh, Billy Barty.

[1:01:57] That's what I'm thinking of.

[1:01:58] Anyway, the, uh...

[1:01:59] So, nudity of the classic era is the moral.

[1:02:02] I mean, I guess what I'm saying is in the 30s,

[1:02:04] they got away with a lot more of that stuff.

[1:02:05] Yeah.

[1:02:06] But, uh, pre-code musicals,

[1:02:07] I mean, Dames is my favorite of those,

[1:02:10] but you can't go wrong with Gold Digger's 1933

[1:02:13] or the lullaby or Broadway sequence in Gold Digger's 1935.

[1:02:16] The rest of the movie is not so amazing,

[1:02:18] but that one sequence, which is like 12 minutes long, is amazing.

[1:02:21] Yeah.

[1:02:22] Um, so now we move on to our final segment of the evening.

[1:02:26] Recommendations.

[1:02:27] Final judgments.

[1:02:28] No.

[1:02:29] No.

[1:02:30] Was this a good bad episode?

[1:02:31] No.

[1:02:32] A bad bad episode?

[1:02:33] Jesus.

[1:02:34] Bad bad.

[1:02:35] Really?

[1:02:36] I didn't think it was that bad.

[1:02:37] Uh, this is the part of the show where we recommend movies

[1:02:39] that we actually liked,

[1:02:42] that we would recommend instead of Winner's Tale.

[1:02:45] And if I can go first,

[1:02:46] I'd like to recommend a movie full of magic, romance, and history.

[1:02:49] It's called Winner's Tale.

[1:02:50] It stars Mr. Colin Farrell, my fave.

[1:02:53] Colin Firth?

[1:02:54] It stars Colin Firth and some lady from Downton Abbey, Maggie Smith, I think.

[1:02:58] And they fall in love in the past.

[1:03:00] There's a magic horse voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait.

[1:03:03] He's named Hot to Try.

[1:03:05] That's his name?

[1:03:07] Yeah.

[1:03:08] And he keeps wondering who's Harry Crumb.

[1:03:10] Just doesn't know.

[1:03:12] Meanwhile, Salacious Crumb is like,

[1:03:13] my brother, Harry, we run a plumbing business together.

[1:03:16] Meanwhile, Bronson Pinchot has the second sight.

[1:03:19] So you just gotta blame it on the bellboy when Dunstan checks in.

[1:03:22] And there are a couple of loose cannons running around.

[1:03:25] In those four rooms.

[1:03:27] What other hotel movies are there for dogs in Rwanda?

[1:03:34] Oh, boy.

[1:03:35] Watch out, there's angels in that outfield.

[1:03:38] Uh-oh.

[1:03:39] But blame it on Rio.

[1:03:41] Because the devil's in a blue dress.

[1:03:44] Field of dreams.

[1:03:47] That last one, I feel like, was in a way different vein than the other movies.

[1:03:53] I guess you're just gonna have to go find Oliver and Company

[1:03:55] and throw them in the Black Cauldron.

[1:03:59] Where they'll spend 120 days of Sodom.

[1:04:03] In Ferngully, the last rainforest.

[1:04:06] Where you can find Baby, Legend of the Lost Dinosaur.

[1:04:10] But nobody puts Baby in a corner in the movie Dirty Dancing.

[1:04:13] Or as it's also known, Grimy Footloose.

[1:04:18] There's gonna be some Havana Nights, Dirty Dancing 2.

[1:04:23] And who can forget Flintstones' Viva Rock Vegas?

[1:04:26] Where Theodore Rex...

[1:04:27] Who can forget that?

[1:04:31] Makes a quick change.

[1:04:34] Because he's trapped in paradise.

[1:04:38] Where he's finding nothing but trouble.

[1:04:41] And he's a tale of two kitties.

[1:04:42] And he's looking for an ex-atine.

[1:04:46] So Destiny turns on the radio.

[1:04:49] And he gets married to the mob.

[1:04:52] Before his honeymoon in Vegas.

[1:04:54] Where I love you to death.

[1:04:56] Moonstruck.

[1:04:59] All dogs go to heaven.

[1:05:01] My blue heaven.

[1:05:02] For Rockadoodle.

[1:05:05] But that's when Harley Davidson and the Marble Men show up.

[1:05:09] The air up there.

[1:05:10] Do you want a man?

[1:05:13] It's some cool runnings.

[1:05:17] As Ladybugs meets MVP Most Valuable Primate.

[1:05:21] Because Air Bud.

[1:05:24] Life on the streets.

[1:05:28] It's a real...

[1:05:30] It's a real HBO documentaries hookers at the point.

[1:05:36] But watch out for those BMX bandits.

[1:05:40] Because they are breaking to Electric Boogaloo.

[1:05:43] All the rules.

[1:05:47] This next Karate Kids.

[1:05:49] It's full of solar babies.

[1:05:52] And they're home alone.

[1:05:56] But watch out when Space Hunter adventures in the forbidden zone.

[1:06:02] Find some space truckers.

[1:06:05] And some ice pirates.

[1:06:11] I didn't say ice pirates when I said ice planet.

[1:06:13] No.

[1:06:15] It's a real planet terror.

[1:06:17] And planet Hollywood.

[1:06:19] Okay.

[1:06:21] That was good.

[1:06:22] I needed that laugh.

[1:06:23] So what are you recommending, Elliot?

[1:06:24] Anyway, so this movie is called Winter's Tale.

[1:06:27] You son of a bitch.

[1:06:29] It's a story of magic, mirth, mayhem, monsters, murder.

[1:06:33] And a man.

[1:06:34] And myrrh.

[1:06:35] And myrrh.

[1:06:38] So, Dan, why don't you go first?

[1:06:41] Okay.

[1:06:43] This is not a...

[1:06:45] I would say this is not a full-throated recommendation.

[1:06:47] It's deep throat.

[1:06:48] But it's a movie I enjoy.

[1:06:51] So how much of the throat?

[1:06:52] Like half full?

[1:06:53] Because I'm more of a throat-half-empty type guy.

[1:06:54] Oh, boy.

[1:06:55] God damn it.

[1:06:56] It's just a movie that I had fun watching.

[1:06:58] I went out and I saw...

[1:07:00] Check your brain at the door, you know?

[1:07:01] Is that so wrong?

[1:07:02] No, it is.

[1:07:03] To have a little fun while traveling through this veil of tears?

[1:07:05] It is a little bit of a check your brain.

[1:07:07] But I enjoyed...

[1:07:08] But again, we've talked about this.

[1:07:09] Keep the ticket.

[1:07:10] Don't lose your brain.

[1:07:11] I enjoyed Run All Night, the new Liam Neeson actioner.

[1:07:18] Mostly because it had some good character actors in.

[1:07:22] In addition to Liam Neeson, you've got Joel Kinnaman.

[1:07:25] You've got Ed Harris.

[1:07:26] You've got Vincent D'Onofrio.

[1:07:28] It's pronounced cinnamon.

[1:07:29] Okay.

[1:07:30] It's pronounced D'Onofrio.

[1:07:32] Vincent D'Onofrio.

[1:07:34] Is that not common in it?

[1:07:36] As a gangster rapper?

[1:07:38] Common as in?

[1:07:39] Gangster rapper.

[1:07:40] Academy Award winner.

[1:07:42] And for an action movie, it takes its time setting up the scenario.

[1:07:48] But then once the scenario is set up, I feel like the action moves along like a shot.

[1:07:55] There's very little dead time once the scenario is set in place.

[1:08:00] Okay.

[1:08:01] It's an old set them up, knock them down movie.

[1:08:03] Yeah.

[1:08:04] You actually care about where the characters are when the action starts.

[1:08:10] And there's some inventive action sequences.

[1:08:13] In particular, one that takes place in a high-rise housing project.

[1:08:22] Like Dread.

[1:08:24] Or The Raid.

[1:08:26] It got a lot of mixed reviews, but I think that's because there's a bit of a saturation.

[1:08:32] There's a little bit of a Liam Neeson action backlash right now.

[1:08:35] Yeah.

[1:08:36] But I think it's one of the...

[1:08:37] It's time for a new elderly action star, Sean Penn in The Gunman.

[1:08:41] He's armed with the truth.

[1:08:42] And a gun.

[1:08:44] It's one of the higher tier Liam Neeson action movies.

[1:08:48] I would put it up there.

[1:08:50] How many wolves does he fist fight?

[1:08:53] There are no wolves.

[1:08:55] Just wolves that wear the flesh of men.

[1:08:58] I enjoyed it.

[1:08:59] Daywalkers?

[1:09:00] Known as criminals.

[1:09:01] Oh, okay.

[1:09:02] I did not...

[1:09:03] I still probably enjoy something like Taken more, but it's up there with something nonstop.

[1:09:08] So you're saying you were Taken with Run All Night?

[1:09:11] I was Taken with Run All Night.

[1:09:13] I had fun.

[1:09:14] It was a silly action movie.

[1:09:15] I enjoyed it.

[1:09:16] You were Tolkien.

[1:09:17] What if the movie was called Tolkien and it was an action movie with Liam Neeson as J.R.R. Tolkien?

[1:09:21] A.S. Lewis gets kidnapped and Tolkien has to save him.

[1:09:24] Oh, I get it.

[1:09:25] In their special club, the Men Whose Names Are Just Initials Club.

[1:09:29] Yeah.

[1:09:30] So that's the entirety of my recommendation.

[1:09:33] Okay, so is Ellie going to just name a bunch more movie names?

[1:09:36] Probably.

[1:09:37] Do you want me to go next or do you want to go next?

[1:09:38] No, I can go next.

[1:09:39] I'm going to recommend a movie that has been getting a lot of press lately.

[1:09:44] And I think for great reason, you should go see It Follows.

[1:09:49] I want to see that.

[1:09:50] I want to see it.

[1:09:51] Because it's fucking scary.

[1:09:53] I haven't even Babadooked yet.

[1:09:54] I want to see It Follows.

[1:09:55] It Follows is great.

[1:09:57] I mean, I'm just parroting what everybody else is saying.

[1:10:00] is saying but it's genuinely very scary cracker go see in the theaters the the

[1:10:05] the score is wonderful and it genuinely like will make you feel trapped in this

[1:10:13] terrifying world that the movie creates so I told I don't want to talk about the

[1:10:17] plot too much but just go see it it's scary it's great

[1:10:20] sounds good let's see it I don't know why you're looking at me Ali you're the

[1:10:24] only one who hasn't recommended you're handsome guy why not look at you I want

[1:10:28] to recommend two movies real quick one is a movie I think I've recommended

[1:10:31] before but I feel like that what we watched tonight was a failed movie that

[1:10:35] was a fantasy set in America's past I'd like to recommend one of my favorite

[1:10:40] movies which is a very successful I feel fantasy set in America's past which is

[1:10:43] the devil and Daniel Webster directed by William Dieterle and starring Edward

[1:10:48] Arnold and Walter Houston Walter Houston being I think my favorite ever screen

[1:10:51] devil he's never like cackly evil but he comes off as so sinister but yet

[1:10:57] charming and at the end he steals a pie and it's like it's the kind of like

[1:11:01] corn-poned devil in America that is pretty sophisticated but he still steals

[1:11:06] a pie at one point it's well worth it it's available on the criterion

[1:11:10] collection DVD or whatever so go Netflix it the devil and Daniel Webster it's

[1:11:15] like it's a movie about American history and kind of creepy ghost stories and

[1:11:19] there's some funny stuff in it so it's like they decided to make a movie for me

[1:11:22] like 40 years before I was born the other movie on the Burger King kids

[1:11:26] club it's for you yeah exactly which kid am I am I the nerd or the kid in a

[1:11:32] wheelchair in the Burger King kids club I'm not the girl they're all chubby it's

[1:11:37] Burger King is the kid in the wheelchair named wheels probably I remember the

[1:11:43] nerd was named his name is wheels wheelings worth of the wheelings worth

[1:11:50] fortune third my good man the other movie I want to recommend is last

[1:11:54] episode I recommended a Yugoslavian movie by a douche on my cabinet Mac of

[1:12:00] edgy I know how to pronounce perfect called that was called man is not a bird

[1:12:05] I actually watched I'm gonna recommend man is bird the rebuttal from Birdman I

[1:12:13] want to recommend another movie that he made that I saw recently that I liked

[1:12:15] called love affair or the case of the missing switchboard operator which is

[1:12:20] it's about a man and a woman meeting and falling in love and starting to build a

[1:12:27] life together until something terrible happens but also we know from the

[1:12:31] beginning that this woman is going to end up dead and so we're kind of

[1:12:36] wondering what's gonna happen to her the whole time but the movie is less about

[1:12:39] any sort of suspense than that and more about the moments these two people share

[1:12:43] under the living under the strictures of a communist government but also with us

[1:12:48] knowing that things are going to end badly and I kind of got from it a thing

[1:12:52] about how fleeting those moments are you know we all know death waits at the end

[1:12:57] of them and there's a lot Daniel like it because there's a fair amount of nudity

[1:13:01] in it with a very pretty woman sure since we've already seen her be autopsy

[1:13:05] earlier in the movie all right the whole there's something about it with a

[1:13:09] whole time you think you just it each time you see her she's beautiful but it

[1:13:13] reminds you how fragile she is does the director cut between shots of her alive

[1:13:19] and on the slab no he remind you that she's gonna die no he does not because

[1:13:23] it is not a stupid movie but I there's some there's some funny stuff in it but

[1:13:28] it's also a sad movie in this it's just really interestingly put together and I

[1:13:33] liked it a lot so the devil and Daniel Webster if you're looking for a fantasy

[1:13:36] with a happy ending love affair or the case of the missing switchboard operator

[1:13:40] if you're looking for more of a everyday realism movie that does not have a happy

[1:13:44] ending well guys that's it this this winter's tail come to an end mm-hmm

[1:13:51] close up your book happily tie it up I wish this winter would come to an end

[1:13:57] it's technically spring and it's still freezing out yeah so Dan what do we

[1:14:01] learn from this winter's tail not to listen to people that suggest we watch

[1:14:05] movies on the internet yeah yeah thanks to everybody who's just we watch this

[1:14:08] piece of junk yeah forget all that we said about appreciating our listeners

[1:14:12] for donating to us because like six people said watch winter's tail and we

[1:14:16] listened to him and it was a torturous evening so but you stayed awake Dan

[1:14:21] stayed awake but at one point he was literally punching himself in the

[1:14:25] forehead I guess hoping to knock himself out I just wanted to feel something at

[1:14:29] that point Ellie we're feeling something boredom yeah but uh thank you

[1:14:34] for joining us here on the flop house and signing off until next time yeah

[1:14:40] I've been Dan McCoy that's been Elliot Kalin and over there is Stuart Wellington

[1:14:44] saying thanks to the pledgers good night everyone

[1:14:53] well when you got chops like this you don't even need to try anymore that's

[1:14:58] first try slammed it off the park slam don't say slamming salmon that's what

[1:15:04] you want to say slam slam dunk grand slam moon over my hammy touchdown extra

[1:15:14] point and David says this isn't a sports podcast last night David texted me in

[1:15:22] all capital letters Bob McKenzie was at the show last night and I texted back to

[1:15:27] him I do not know who that is hey folks this is Kevin Allison if you love

[1:15:34] maximum fun podcast but you don't yet know about risk you don't know what

[1:15:39] you're missing check us out risk is the show where people tell true stories they

[1:15:44] never thought they dare to share in public so it's kind of like this

[1:15:48] American life or the moth but way way more uncensored on risk we say nothing

[1:15:54] is inappropriate until something is every episode is an emotional

[1:15:59] rollercoaster hilarious stories shocking stories horrifying stories

[1:16:05] heartbreaking stories tear-jerking stories risk is just jam-packed with

[1:16:11] stories you'll never forget many from people you already know and love so find

[1:16:16] us at iTunes or at risk-show.com or of course at maximumfun.org

Ep. #175 - Winter's Tale

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