Ep. #175 - Winter's Tale

Stuart Wellington

[0:00] Crack open your storybooks, because tonight we watched A Winter's Tale.

Elliott Kalan

[0:05] It's just Winter's Tale.

[0:07] A Winter's Tale.

[0:09] Oh, boy.

[0:12] Perfect.

[0:13] Like we're not even trying.

[0:30] Hey, everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse.

Dan McCoy

[0:43] I'm Dan McCoy.

Stuart Wellington

[0:45] Great job, Dan.

[0:46] I'm Stuart.

[0:47] Stuart Wellington.

[0:48] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] And I'm Elliot Kalin, and we're off to a bang-up start.

[0:53] Don't jinx it, dude.

[0:54] I'm giving us an A-plus for this episode so far.

[0:57] How is it of energy in this room?

[0:59] I'm loving it.

[1:00] How are my levels?

[1:01] Your levels?

[1:02] At 100% awesome and super great.

Dan McCoy

[1:05] Oh, wow.

[1:06] That's better than normal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07] Off the charts, I would say.

[1:08] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:09] The charts are very small, though.

[1:11] Sure.

[1:12] Yes.

[1:12] I should have bought bigger charts.

[1:14] The problem is I bought the smallest charts thinking they'd be the cheapest charts, but

[1:19] now I'm writing on the table.

[1:22] So you've got to buy a new table.

[1:23] It's costing you more.

Stuart Wellington

[1:24] Yeah.

[1:24] So your early comment was damning with faint praise.

[1:28] Well.

[1:28] I mean, it wasn't that faint.

[1:30] I mean, it was.

Elliott Kalan

[1:30] In that it was damning faint praise river.

[1:33] Sure.

[1:33] Which floods its banks every year.

[1:35] We've got to put this flood up to save this dam up to save the town.

Dan McCoy

[1:41] Well, I think that the early positive energy has dissipated now.

[1:44] I'm giving us a C- now.

Elliott Kalan

[1:46] But an A for effort.

[1:48] Guys, I'll take the blame for that.

[1:50] I'm in the wrong.

[1:52] But hey, I'm a big enough man to admit it.

[1:54] I'm giving us.

[1:54] Which is ironic because I'm actually quite a small man.

[1:56] Sure.

[1:57] I ride around in Dan's pocket at work.

Dan McCoy

[1:59] I'm giving us an A for effort and a B for Beffert.

Elliott Kalan

[2:04] Okay.

[2:04] Is that a thing?

[2:07] It is now.

[2:08] So tonight.

[2:09] Hear that, Websters?

[2:10] Make another entry in your stupid dictionary.

[2:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[2:13] Beffert.

[2:14] Yeah.

[2:14] Urban dictionary.

[2:15] Update it to not be a weird sex thing.

Dan McCoy

[2:17] Word of the year.

[2:18] 2015.

[2:19] I'm calling it now.

[2:20] Beffert.

Elliott Kalan

[2:21] As soon as we figure out what it means and how you use it, it's going to be everywhere.

[2:26] Hashtag Beffert.

Dan McCoy

[2:29] Hashtag your tweets Beffert.

Stuart Wellington

[2:31] And the way these websites, so to speak, have been doing their word of the year things like

[2:39] way early.

[2:40] Yeah.

[2:41] They do them in like October or something and you're like, what?

[2:44] The year's not even done yet.

[2:45] I could make up like seven words.

Elliott Kalan

[2:47] New word?

[2:48] What if there's a new great Thanksgiving word that everyone starts using?

[2:51] Like squeegeus.

[2:52] I just made that word up.

[2:53] It's a great word.

[2:55] Or krangelman.

[2:57] These are all perfectly good words than they want.

[2:59] Krangelman's more of a job.

[3:01] Well, no.

[3:01] Krangelman is the plural of krangelma.

Dan McCoy

[3:07] It's German.

[3:08] In addition to me.

[3:09] Man of krangel.

[3:11] In addition to being an etymology podcast, this is also a bad movie podcast where we watch

[3:19] a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[3:20] And tonight, boy howdy.

[3:22] We put in a lot of Beffert on this one, let me tell you.

[3:24] We put in two hours of Beffert.

[3:26] We got a real seaver Beffert.

[3:28] It's the title of this film was Winter's Tale.

[3:32] Not The Winter's Tale.

[3:34] Or A Winter's Tale.

[3:36] Or Edgar Winter's Tale.

[3:38] No.

[3:39] Or Jonathan's Winter's Tale.

[3:41] All those things would be better.

[3:42] This was a fantasy romance.

[3:46] A magical realist tale of love.

[3:48] Now let me tell you first off the bat.

Elliott Kalan

[3:50] This is based on a book I've never read, but I remember seeing the cover a lot when I worked

[3:53] at Barnes & Noble.

[3:54] And what did the cover look like?

[3:55] It was kind of a moody atmospheric shot of light streaming through the windows of Grand

[3:59] Central Station.

Stuart Wellington

[3:59] Were you called like a genius or something when you worked there?

[4:02] Or did you have any kind of cool title?

[4:04] Or did you have a uniform?

Dan McCoy

[4:05] Did people bring in their old paperbacks to have you fix them?

Elliott Kalan

[4:10] I would lay my healing hands upon them.

[4:13] People would bring in defective books, by which they meant books they didn't like the

[4:16] endings of.

[4:16] And I would lay my hands on them and miraculously, the books would now have a more satisfying ending.

Stuart Wellington

[4:20] It's basically a stack of Stephen King novels, right?

[4:23] Yeah, that's true.

[4:25] Burned.

Dan McCoy

[4:25] Take that most successful author in history.

[4:28] Take that great successful author who somehow only has three satisfying endings for books

[4:34] ever possibly.

[4:35] Name them.

[4:36] Yeah, name them.

[4:37] Eyes of the Dragon.

[4:38] Pet Sematary.

[4:39] I liked the end to that Kennedy one.

Elliott Kalan

[4:42] I didn't read that shit.

[4:44] I was about to say Cell, but that one does not have a particularly satisfying ending.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] What about the stand where the thing just explodes?

Dan McCoy

[4:51] The hand of God crunches it down.

[4:54] We love you, Stephen King.

Stuart Wellington

[4:55] What about it where all those kids have a gangbang?

Dan McCoy

[4:58] That wasn't so great either.

[4:59] It's an interesting ending.

[5:01] I'll give it to that.

[5:01] I was not expecting it.

[5:04] That's the thing.

[5:04] He's such a great short story writer.

[5:06] He understands how to structure a short story, but I think that he seems to get tired at

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] the end of his novel.

[5:13] He gets like space madness by the end.

Elliott Kalan

[5:17] The Long Walk and The Running Man.

[5:20] I like the endings of both of those.

[5:21] Novellas.

[5:22] Those aren't even...

Stuart Wellington

[5:22] And what?

[5:23] Those are novellas.

[5:25] So you think you give them a pass on those?

[5:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[5:27] So what, they fall into the gray area in no man's land?

Stuart Wellington

[5:30] Yep.

[5:30] When they die, they go to limbo?

[5:31] The Stephen King marches, they call them.

[5:33] The disputed territory between short and long.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] Yeah.

[5:40] So anyway.

[5:41] Those exist in a sort of Schrodinger state of neither book nor short story.

Stuart Wellington

[5:46] I mean, they're probably in his fucking gunslinger books.

[5:49] Because they're super meta.

[5:51] The Dark Tower books.

[5:52] Yeah.

[5:52] Okay.

[5:52] Well, let's just get to talking about this shitty movie.

Elliott Kalan

[5:54] Now, here's the thing I was going to say about Winter's Tale.

[5:56] It's got a lot...

[5:57] I'd never read the book, but it's got a lot of elements that if I had known were in it,

[6:00] I might have read it.

[6:01] It's set in New York's past.

[6:03] I love that.

[6:04] It's set from the 1890s to 1916 and beyond.

[6:08] Spoiler alert.

[6:09] Okay.

[6:10] It's got...

[6:11] Russell Crowe's in it.

[6:12] Not in the book.

[6:13] It's got fantasy elements, but it's still set in a real world-ish setting.

[6:17] Yeah, magical realism it's called.

[6:19] There's a term for that.

[6:20] Well, no, but it's not magical realism.

[6:22] Magical realism is more of a Gabriel Garcia Marquez type thing, where it is not...

[6:27] Really?

Dan McCoy

[6:28] Just named an author.

Elliott Kalan

[6:29] Well, no, but I was going to say, where in his books, it's more a sense of like, this

[6:33] is our world, but there are kind of inexplicable things that happen, or strange kind of whimsical

[6:39] coincidences.

[6:40] There's serendipidisms.

[6:41] This was just an out-and-out fantasy.

[6:43] There's magic.

[6:43] There's a flying horse.

[6:44] That's true.

[6:45] There's miracles.

Stuart Wellington

[6:45] Like in the tin drum, where that little dude just stops growing, and then he can scream

[6:49] and break glass and shit.

Dan McCoy

[6:50] I think that actually is closer to magical realism.

[6:52] Yeah, yeah.

[6:52] This is more, yeah, this is like a fantasy.

[6:54] This is a fantasy story.

[6:55] That has like...

Stuart Wellington

[6:56] That's like describing Buffy as magical realism.

[6:59] Yeah, exactly.

[6:59] Buffy the Vampire Slayer, not Buffy some person.

[7:03] You know, that person could be magical realism.

[7:05] I don't know.

[7:05] You know, our pal Buffy.

[7:07] Down at the DMV.

Elliott Kalan

[7:09] She works at the...

[7:10] I didn't know we had a friend at the DMV.

[7:12] She works at the DMV, but every now and then, the ghost of her abuela comes and gives

[7:16] her advice.

[7:17] So, that's magical realism right there.

[7:19] Yeah.

[7:20] And she cries into every license that she issues.

[7:24] And those tears give people good luck in their driving.

[7:27] Yeah.

[7:29] So, I would say this is...

[7:30] I would call this historical fantasy.

[7:33] Sure.

[7:34] The same way that like...

[7:36] What was that Kurt Busiak, Carlos Pacheco comic book where it was World War I, but they

[7:41] had...

[7:41] Just syllables.

[7:42] They had like dragons and gnomes and stuff.

[7:45] Aerosmith?

[7:46] I think that's what it's called.

[7:46] Yeah.

[7:47] That's historical fantasy.

Dan McCoy

[7:48] Oh, yeah.

[7:48] Walk this way.

[7:50] No.

Elliott Kalan

[7:51] Yeah.

[7:52] The historical fantasy of Aerosmith.

[7:54] That dude looks like a lady.

[7:56] He must have cast a spell of illusion on himself.

Stuart Wellington

[7:59] Sure.

[7:59] A spell of lady looking like.

[8:01] It was so good it had me crying.

[8:03] It was amazing.

[8:04] It was crazy.

Dan McCoy

[8:07] It's...

[8:08] What other band had three songs in a row that were the same song?

[8:13] Name a band.

[8:15] That is magic.

[8:17] Talk about magical realism.

Elliott Kalan

[8:22] A band so good...

[8:23] Yeah, leave it up to the Toxic Twins to make music that is magical realism.

[8:27] Pull the Wool over America's eyes.

Stuart Wellington

[8:32] Pull the Wool would be a great Aerosmith album.

Elliott Kalan

[8:34] That would be a great title for Aerosmith.

[8:37] Pull the Wool with the songs Lazen, Mazy...

[8:43] And Hazy.

[8:45] Hazy.

[8:47] And Adjacent.

[8:50] And Adjacent.

[8:51] Adjacent and Chacent.

[8:54] Adjacent versus Freddy.

[8:57] Adjacent.

[8:57] We're in an elevator.

[8:58] Oh, no.

[8:59] A witch cast a love spell on this elevator.

[9:02] Now we're going up as it's going down.

[9:04] We're living it up as we're going down.

[9:06] That's what it was.

[9:07] Going up.

[9:08] That's not even a euphemism.

[9:11] Look, Steven Tyler's just beyond me.

[9:14] Anyway, it's...

[9:15] Steven Tyler, Stephen King.

[9:17] Two great American poets.

[9:19] When are they finally going to work together?

[9:23] So, anyway...

[9:24] For It Looks Like a Lady.

[9:26] Sure.

[9:27] That's when Pennywise has long hair.

[9:29] And a scarf.

[9:31] And a scarf tied to a mic stand.

[9:35] Because Steven Tyler's always worried his mic stand's a little too cold.

[9:38] Let's tie a scarf around it.

[9:42] Anyway, let's talk about this movie.

[9:44] It's a fantasy set in old New York.

[9:46] So, it's 1895.

[9:47] There's an immigrant couple from somewhere.

[9:50] And they don't get past Ellis Island because they have consumption.

[9:53] Their infant son is not allowed in.

[9:54] So, they...

[9:56] Shades of Superman here.

Stuart Wellington

[9:58] For the listeners at home, consumption is the Doc Holliday disease.

[10:02] Yeah, yeah.

[10:03] Yeah.

[10:03] Or any, like, pretty lady in an old movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:07] Any old thing.

[10:08] They needed someone to die.

[10:09] That informs a lot as to your taste, Dan.

[10:11] I mean, I think it's essentially tuberculosis, right?

[10:14] It is, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:14] It's one of those...

[10:15] But, I mean, isn't the point just like it's a disease where, like...

[10:18] You can basically show the disease by just a bunch of coughing.

Elliott Kalan

[10:21] Yeah.

[10:21] Yeah, yeah.

[10:22] The telltale red spot.

[10:23] Yeah, being pale and delicate and dying.

[10:27] As all the most beautiful women are, according to Edgar Allan Poe.

[10:30] So, they...

[10:31] Shades of Superman or Moses.

[10:33] I prefer to say Superman because the Moses story is actually more believable than the

[10:38] one in this movie.

[10:39] That's true.

[10:40] They put their baby in a model boat called the City of Justice.

[10:43] Now, I spaced out.

[10:44] They set it adrift in New York Harbor.

[10:47] Can I ask you something?

[10:48] And then it, I guess, makes its way to shore.

[10:50] The baby doesn't die of exposure.

Dan McCoy

[10:51] Yeah?

[10:52] I spaced out at the beginning of this movie.

[10:53] It ain't fishing shit on the one.

[10:56] How entertaining this movie was is that I spaced out early.

[11:00] Although, to be fair, my downstairs neighbors were boomers.

[11:03] I mean, loud music.

[11:04] So, that was distracting.

Elliott Kalan

[11:05] Well, the movie opens...

[11:06] Yeah, I think you spaced out because the movie opens with a voiceover about how, like,

[11:09] stars are full of miracles.

[11:11] And when they die, you become a star.

[11:13] And...

[11:13] My grandma always told me that legions of angels need to battle werewolves.

Dan McCoy

[11:17] Where did they find this tiny boat?

[11:20] Because it was like a perfect...

Elliott Kalan

[11:21] They stole it.

[11:22] I think it shows the dead stealing it from a display, like, on the ship they're on or in

[11:26] Ellis Island.

[11:26] I couldn't quite...

[11:27] All right.

Dan McCoy

[11:27] I wasn't quite sure.

[11:28] Anyway...

[11:28] This is like a perfect, you know, 118th model boat.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] It's a baby boat.

[11:34] Baby size boat.

[11:34] They were at Babies R Us in the baby boat section.

[11:38] Yeah.

[11:38] And they just took it.

[11:40] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[11:41] And so, that baby floated to New York where it became Colin Farrell.

Elliott Kalan

[11:44] Where in 21 years...

[11:46] Now, we've also seen a prologue in which a Colin Farrell with long hair is in a room and

[11:51] he finds a nameplate for the City of Justice boat.

[11:54] 1895, baby gets put in the boat.

[11:55] Now it's 1916.

[11:56] Baby got boat.

[11:59] Even a grown-up's got a shout.

[12:01] Baby got boat.

[12:02] Yeah.

[12:03] I like little boats and I cannot lie.

[12:06] I'm a baby.

[12:09] And I didn't die.

Dan McCoy

[12:11] Your show on this new career of yours is Baby Weird Al, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[12:15] Yeah, because I do baby versions of other songs.

[12:17] So, like, give me another song.

[12:18] I'll do a baby version of it.

[12:19] But you're not like a baby that looks like Weird Al.

[12:21] That's easy.

Dan McCoy

[12:22] Call me baby.

[12:23] I'm sorry.

[12:23] That was a gimme.

[12:24] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[12:25] I'm pooping in my pants and it seems crazy.

[12:28] But here's the problem.

[12:29] I'm a baby.

[12:30] Yeah.

[12:30] That's the way it goes.

[12:31] Good stuff.

Dan McCoy

[12:33] Give me another one.

[12:35] I don't even know what's rolling in the deep.

Elliott Kalan

[12:39] Rolling in the diaper.

[12:41] Done.

[12:41] Okay.

[12:41] Okay, great.

[12:42] They call me Al Jr.

[12:45] Okay, so it's 1916 and Colin Farrell has grown up to become Peter Lake,

[12:49] a ner-do-well thief who is in a gangland by...

Stuart Wellington

[12:53] He's named after where they fished him out of, right?

[12:55] He's what?

[12:56] They fished him out of a lake or something, so they named him Peter Lake.

Elliott Kalan

[12:59] I mean, they didn't fish him out of a lake, really.

[13:01] He was in...

[13:02] The harbor.

[13:02] Like the New York Harbor or the Hudson River or something.

Stuart Wellington

[13:05] Kind of the same thing, though, right?

[13:07] I mean, in that they're all bodies of water.

[13:09] Maybe the person who found him didn't know the difference.

[13:11] That's very possible.

Elliott Kalan

[13:12] It was me.

[13:13] He is being chased by a gang led by Russell Crowe, who is a gangster demon named Pearly Soames.

[13:20] And Colin Farrell was a member of that gang, and Pearly Soames had big plans for him,

[13:25] and now Colin Farrell wants to leave, so now Russell Crowe hates him.

[13:28] And he's saved to the last minute by a mysterious winged white horse named Horse.

[13:33] Yeah.

[13:34] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[13:36] You glossed over Russell Crowe's Irish Popeye accent, though.

[13:42] I mean...

[13:42] Well, let's talk about it.

[13:44] It's probably the most interesting...

[13:45] Yeah.

[13:46] It sounds like a Popeye was Irish.

[13:47] It's probably the most fun performance in the movie.

[13:50] It's the hammiest, certainly.

Elliott Kalan

[13:51] He's the demon villain.

[13:52] He gets to ham it up and chew the scenery.

[13:54] The only other demon who really gets the chance is Will Smith as Lucifer, which comes as kind

[14:00] of a surprise partway through the movie, but he plays it pretty subdued.

[14:05] Yeah.

[14:05] He's still pretty Willennium-style Will and doesn't want to...

[14:08] Even though he is, I guess, the Prince of Darkness, the fallen morning star, he doesn't

[14:13] want to show too much emotion.

Stuart Wellington

[14:14] Yeah, he's doing his best cypher rage impression.

Dan McCoy

[14:17] But what I like about this synopsis so far is I imagine the listener being like, oh, man,

[14:22] they must be glossing over a lot of stuff.

[14:24] No, it's just as inexplicable as it sounds.

[14:26] Baby boat.

Elliott Kalan

[14:26] Baby boat.

[14:27] To man running from gang to flying horse.

[14:29] To demon to flying horse.

[14:31] So he decides he's going to steal from one last house and...

[14:36] One last job.

[14:37] One last job.

Dan McCoy

[14:37] Or he retires from being a demon instrument, I guess.

Stuart Wellington

[14:39] So he rides his magic horse over to Prospect Park, ties it up, and then uses a fucking grappling

[14:44] hook to climb up the side of a house.

[14:47] We don't see the grappling hook.

[14:48] We totally see the grappling hook.

[14:49] I don't remember that part.

[14:51] That's how he climbs up the side of the house.

Elliott Kalan

[14:52] I mean, later he does climb up the side of a castle to have sex with a dying girl in

[14:56] a tent.

Stuart Wellington

[14:57] Do you think he used the grappling hook or he floated up on his...

[14:59] We'll get to that.

Dan McCoy

[15:00] He's probably got like a Bionic Commando-style arm.

Elliott Kalan

[15:03] Yeah, he's like a regular X-51 machine man.

Stuart Wellington

[15:06] Yeah, there's nothing in the movie that says he doesn't have a grappling hook shooting

[15:10] arm.

Elliott Kalan

[15:11] There's nothing in the movie that says he isn't Rorschach and doesn't have a grappling

[15:14] hook gun.

[15:14] Or that he can't play football.

[15:16] There's nothing in the movie that says he can't do that.

[15:17] Nothing in the movie that says that.

[15:18] You know what?

[15:19] Put him in.

[15:20] We'll see.

[15:20] His miracle white horse scored the touchdown.

[15:24] Nothing in the rule book that says the TriStar Pictures logo can't play on the team.

[15:28] Anyway, so he's driving a mansion of Beverly Penn.

[15:32] Who's played by...

Dan McCoy

[15:33] Who's played by...

[15:34] You may know her as the Lady Sybil from Downton Abbey.

[15:39] I forget her name.

[15:41] Elizabeth something Finlay, I think.

[15:43] And lovely lady.

[15:45] You can add IMDB.

[15:46] She's the one who married the anarchist driver.

[15:51] The butler?

[15:51] The butler driver?

[15:52] Yeah.

[15:53] The driver, Jason Statham.

[15:54] The driver.

[15:54] And then she died of preeclampsia.

[15:56] Spoiler alert.

Stuart Wellington

[15:57] Is Vivian the anarchist or is it Rick Miles' character?

[16:01] No.

Elliott Kalan

[16:02] Rick is the anarchist.

[16:03] Okay.

[16:03] Vivian is the punk metalhead.

[16:04] Okay.

[16:05] Yeah.

[16:05] Neil is the hippie.

[16:06] And Mike is the Thatcherite capitalist.

Stuart Wellington

[16:09] So she married Rick Miles' character.

Elliott Kalan

[16:12] That's right.

[16:13] She married one of the young ones.

[16:14] He's everyone's favorite character.

[16:16] I mean, come on.

[16:16] Let's face it.

[16:17] Rick is the best one.

Dan McCoy

[16:19] What a great show, huh?

[16:20] Why couldn't we watch that?

[16:21] We should have watched like three or four episodes of that instead of two hours of this shit.

Stuart Wellington

[16:25] Yeah.

[16:25] Anyway, so Beverly Penn.

[16:27] Maybe see a musical performance by Crowded House or something.

Elliott Kalan

[16:29] Yeah, or Motorhead.

[16:31] Sure.

[16:31] Or Dexy's Midnight Runners.

[16:34] Yeah.

[16:35] Check out the young ones, guys.

[16:36] Or Alexi Sale singing that weird song about Doc Martin's boots.

Dan McCoy

[16:38] Look, I know that we've got a lot of young people in our audience who may not be familiar

[16:42] with the young ones.

Elliott Kalan

[16:42] Look it up.

[16:43] Look it up.

[16:43] Get the DVDs from Netflix if they exist.

[16:45] Go straight to the first episode of season two, Bambi.

[16:48] That's the best episode.

[16:49] The one where they're on University Challenge.

[16:51] And Motorhead plays.

Stuart Wellington

[16:52] They should start with the best episode first.

[16:54] That's like watching Akira first and then watching other champions.

Elliott Kalan

[16:57] I feel like that's how every person, everyone our age did it.

[17:01] I'm being just disappointed.

[17:02] Before your Pokemons and your Digimons, every guy got into the anime with Akira.

Dan McCoy

[17:06] There's not a big young ones mythology that they need to follow.

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] And there's only 12 episodes in the whole series, right?

[17:12] They only did two seasons.

[17:14] Yeah, I don't know.

[17:15] When they did like Bottom and all that other shit.

[17:16] And then they all die in a bus explosion at the end of the last episode.

[17:19] So spoiler alert.

[17:21] It doesn't matter.

[17:21] They die in other episodes too.

[17:23] In the Bambi episode, Vivian gets his head knocked off by a train.

[17:29] Anyway, so the house is owned by the Penn family.

[17:33] William Hurt is the dad and he's a newspaper editor.

[17:35] And his daughter and his inexplicably English-accented daughter, since nobody else in the family has an English accent, is dying of consumption.

[17:43] And in fact, her fever is so hot that later in the movie she has to sleep outside.

[17:47] Because only the snows can cool her down enough to live.

[17:52] She catches Colin Farrell robbing the house and they, of course, have tea and fall in love.

Dan McCoy

[17:59] Adorable.

[18:00] Why wouldn't you?

[18:01] Yeah.

[18:02] A roguish thief like Colin Farrell.

Elliott Kalan

[18:04] Now it's established that every person has a miracle inside them and it's their destiny to try to-

[18:08] Ah! Get it out of me!

[18:11] Dan starts stabbing at himself with a letter opener.

[18:13] No! I don't want it!

[18:15] But I think the scene-

[18:17] Don't worry, Dan. It's just a bullshit movie.

[18:18] Oh, thank God.

Stuart Wellington

[18:20] It isn't until the scene where they're talking after she catches him trying to steal shit from her house.

[18:26] That's the first time where there's any actual characters or non-magical bullshit going on.

[18:33] That's the first scene where-

[18:34] Where two characters kind of have a conversation.

[18:36] Interact with each other.

Dan McCoy

[18:38] And yeah, as I said at the time, it was the closest I came to enjoying the movie.

[18:41] Because that was a scenario that I was like, oh, this is an interesting scenario.

[18:45] Guy comes to Rob's house, the lady catches them and they said, I don't have tea and fall.

[18:50] After taking a bath.

Elliott Kalan

[18:51] After she takes a bath, teasing Dan with the possibility of nudity and yet not paying off.

Dan McCoy

[18:57] Yeah.

[18:58] One of many reasons to be angry at this movie.

[19:01] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[19:02] Later you get to see her side boob in silhouette through a tent.

Dan McCoy

[19:06] Don't patronize me.

Elliott Kalan

[19:09] Don't patronize my side boob silhouette store.

[19:12] We don't need your business.

[19:14] Your money's no good here.

[19:16] So then, so, so he believes, they start to, everyone gets, I guess, gets to believe that his miracle is to save Beverly, the girl who's dying of consumption.

[19:25] So the gangster decides he's going to ruin Peter's life by stop making, unable for him to do this by killing Beverly first.

Stuart Wellington

[19:33] Yeah, some kind of vision where he paints a picture of her using blood.

Elliott Kalan

[19:37] They go to the Grand Central Oyster Bar and he slashes a guy across the throat and uses the blood to paint this picture of a red-haired woman looking at the moon.

[19:47] And he's like, that's who it is.

[19:48] Find the red-haired woman.

Dan McCoy

[19:50] Except he says it like, oh, that's who it is.

Stuart Wellington

[19:53] Well, blow me down, please.

Elliott Kalan

[19:58] Breathe in Magora.

[20:00] And I'm going to go over here, see?

[20:02] And I'm going to tuck out of my breath and we're not going to animate my mouth for this part because Jack Mercer is just putting it in after the fact.

Stuart Wellington

[20:09] And you can see Kevin Corrigan standing next to him, rolling his eyes and waiting to cash that check he got for the movie.

[20:16] As the henchman.

[20:16] And yet Billy Corrigan, nowhere to be found.

[20:18] No.

[20:19] A spooky looking guy.

[20:20] With a ton of star shit.

[20:22] Shouldn't he be floating around with Melancholy and all that other infinite garbage?

Elliott Kalan

[20:25] Yeah, Melancholy and the Infinite Garbage is what it was called.

[20:29] That makes me think there's like some kind of 60s science fiction story where there's just infinite garbage.

Stuart Wellington

[20:36] It's called Wally, dude.

[20:38] Who discovered a planet of infinite garbage.

Elliott Kalan

[20:40] I guess Wally is melancholy.

[20:42] He is very sad because he's lonely.

[20:44] The only movie he has to watch is Hello, Dolly.

Dan McCoy

[20:46] Which is not a very good movie.

[20:48] No.

[20:48] He learns to love from it.

[20:49] So, you know, that teaches us that there's something in every movie that we could be taking.

Elliott Kalan

[20:54] Except Winter's Tale.

[20:56] Yeah.

[20:56] Which we'll continue with.

[20:58] They try to kill the girl and Colin Farrell saves her with his magic horse.

[21:02] And this continues the theme of the movie, which is the magic horse saving Colin Farrell when he fucks up.

[21:08] Yeah.

[21:09] They escape the bad guys because Pearly is supernaturally bound to New York.

[21:15] He cannot leave the five boroughs.

[21:17] And so they escape to, you know, up above, you know, in like...

[21:20] Hamptons or something.

[21:21] Yeah.

[21:22] Somewhere north of it.

[21:23] At the family's summer home.

[21:25] We're still snowing.

[21:26] It's still winter.

[21:27] And this is when I'm checking up again on Wikipedia that Beverly explains that everyone is born with a miracle inside.

[21:33] And when they die, they become stars.

[21:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[21:35] We're all made of star stuff, as Carl Sagan would say.

Elliott Kalan

[21:39] I mean, we are technically made of star stuff.

[21:41] Yeah.

[21:41] But when we die, our souls don't float up and add to stars.

[21:45] How do you know, Elliot?

[21:46] Well, because the sky does not change every night when thousands, if not millions of people are dead.

[21:51] Sure.

[21:52] So many people die every day.

[21:53] The constellations will be constantly shifted.

[21:55] Yeah, but...

Stuart Wellington

[21:56] If you want to become a star, you need to, like, insult a god or goddess or do something else of import.

Elliott Kalan

[22:01] You've got to, like, be the goddess in a sewing costume contest or go on America's Got Talent and really wow the judges.

[22:07] Exactly.

[22:08] And that's your shortcut to stardom.

[22:09] Maybe the only...

[22:10] Or, like, maybe have a viral sex tape that, like, somehow gets you a career as a famous gad about.

Stuart Wellington

[22:16] Okay, viral in a computer sense, not, like, outbreak.

[22:19] We're having sex with a monkey again.

[22:22] Again.

Elliott Kalan

[22:23] Here we go again.

[22:24] It's me, the famous patient zero.

[22:27] I'm the guy who had sex with that monkey and then spread it to humanity.

[22:31] Book deal, please.

[22:35] Who's going to play me in a movie?

[22:36] Vin Diesel or Chris Pine?

[22:39] Let's see.

Dan McCoy

[22:40] I was just saying that maybe, like, you know, only the really important people become full stars.

[22:45] And then everyone else just, you know, like, they just add a little extra star to, like, one of the existing stars.

Elliott Kalan

[22:49] But how do you gauge who's an important person?

[22:51] Like, does George W. Bush get to be a star because he was president?

Stuart Wellington

[22:57] So it's like in certain mythologies that when you die, you cross the Bridge of Swords and all the men you've slain serve you in the afterlife.

[23:05] That's not what I was saying, but yes.

[23:06] Okay.

[23:07] I agree.

Elliott Kalan

[23:10] All right.

[23:11] So I guess everybody slay some men so you can have some servants when you cross the Bridge of Swords to Swordtown.

Stuart Wellington

[23:16] Yeah, you don't want to serve somebody else.

Elliott Kalan

[23:18] I would cross the Bridge of Sheets, much less sharp.

[23:21] Okay.

[23:22] You don't have to worry about pricking your feet.

[23:23] Wait, it's made out of sheeps?

[23:24] Yeah, sheeps.

[23:25] The Bridge of Sheeps.

[23:26] Yeah.

[23:27] You fall asleep halfway through because you're counting your steps.

[23:31] So Lucifer says, I'm not going to let you.

[23:35] He asked Will Smith.

[23:36] He asked Will Smith, hey, Will, can I do this?

[23:41] Can I get jiggy with this and leave the Five Bros?

[23:43] He says it way funnier than you just said it.

[23:46] What do you mean, way funnier?

[23:48] He said it in his little Popeye voice.

[23:50] Skip it out.

[23:51] Hey, look, I want to say welcome to Miami, but I can't do that while I'm stuck in the Five Bros.

[23:57] Can I leave?

[23:58] And Lucifer says no.

[23:59] So instead, Russell Crowe calls in a favor with another angel of the demons, and that

[24:05] guy poisons Beverly's drink at a dance.

[24:08] Colin Farrell and Beverly go to the dance.

[24:10] They dance a lot.

[24:11] Then she's sleeping in her roof tent, and she undresses before a candle so that her sexy silhouette

[24:18] is seen through.

[24:19] And then she just steps outside and takes her clothes off.

[24:22] He appears in her tent, which means either he climbed it up at like Spider-Man or Lupin

[24:27] the Third or something.

Stuart Wellington

[24:28] That would be a very Lupin the Third move.

Elliott Kalan

[24:31] Or it means that he somehow convinced the flying horse to just carry him up there so he could

[24:37] do it.

[24:37] Yeah.

[24:37] Like to be his wing horse.

[24:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[24:40] I mean, I think that horse is into it.

[24:41] He tricked him into it.

Elliott Kalan

[24:42] The horse is watching, probably.

[24:44] Come on.

[24:44] Horse.

Dan McCoy

[24:45] Horse.

[24:45] Come on.

[24:45] Horse.

[24:46] Horse.

Elliott Kalan

[24:46] Horse.

[24:46] Be a bro.

[24:47] Come on.

[24:48] Come on.

[24:48] Do me a solid.

[24:49] Come on.

[24:49] We know what's going to happen here.

[24:50] Come on.

[24:50] Be a bro.

[24:51] I'd do the same for you if there was some fine filly up there.

[24:54] And you weren't, of course, gelded.

[24:55] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:57] I'd fly up there with my wings.

[24:59] My man wings.

Elliott Kalan

[25:00] I'd fly you up there on my man wings if I had them.

Dan McCoy

[25:02] Yeah.

[25:03] We'd do the same for you.

[25:04] Come on.

[25:04] You'd climb on me.

[25:06] Man.

[25:06] Horse riding a man.

[25:07] No one's seen it before, but I would do it.

Elliott Kalan

[25:09] That's a story.

[25:10] Man rides horse.

[25:11] That's not a story.

[25:11] No.

[25:12] Horse rides man.

[25:12] Now you're talking.

[25:14] That's magic or realism.

[25:15] We'll sell all the papes because we're newsies now.

[25:18] Yeah.

[25:18] Not oldies.

[25:19] Nobody wants oldies.

[25:21] We're just people who collect old newspapers and sell them to fish as overcoats.

[25:25] We want to be newsies.

[25:26] We sell newspapers to people for reading.

[25:28] Anyway, horse.

[25:31] I guess what I'm saying is, get me up that fucking castle because I got to get in it.

[25:35] You know what I'm saying?

[25:36] I got to get up in that.

[25:37] I'm saying I got to have it.

[25:38] It's 1916.

[25:40] For all I know, I could be sent to the fucking Western Front.

[25:42] Just die in no man's land with some barbed wire and shit and machine guns chattering.

[25:47] All that stuff.

[25:48] Farewelling to arms and who gives a shit.

[25:50] Horse.

[25:50] So I guess what I'm saying is, let's take me up there so I can get this thing over with.

Dan McCoy

[25:55] Horse, this lady has been teasing us all night.

[25:58] What with her going into baths and her diphonious nightgowns.

[26:03] Let me put it.

Elliott Kalan

[26:04] Diphonious and diaphanous.

[26:06] Diaphanous.

[26:07] Not diphonious.

[26:07] Diaphanous.

Elliott Kalan

[26:07] Diaphanous.

[26:08] Which would be two phonies.

[26:10] That's the Greek god of two phonies.

Dan McCoy

[26:13] It's Polonius' brother.

[26:14] Diaphanous.

[26:16] With her Dionysus nightgowns.

Stuart Wellington

[26:19] Yeah, yeah.

[26:19] Let me put it in words you understand, horse.

[26:21] She is literally the carrot on the end of the stick.

Elliott Kalan

[26:26] Hey, look.

[26:27] I've heard hay is for horses.

[26:28] There is a crap load of hay in this for you if you'll get me up there.

[26:32] I don't care.

[26:33] Lifetime of hay.

[26:34] I don't care what it takes.

[26:35] You want a carrot?

[26:36] Great.

[26:37] You want a sugar cube?

[26:38] Great.

[26:39] You want a carrot inside a sugar cube?

[26:40] I'll make it happen.

[26:41] Wrap it up in hay?

[26:43] Swallow that whole fucking thing down.

[26:44] Just do it and get me up there.

[26:46] Because I don't care.

[26:49] Just fly me up there.

[26:50] Fly me up there.

[26:52] I'm going to keep saying it until you do it.

[26:57] Can you see how into this I am?

[27:00] She is into me, man.

[27:01] And you are standing in my way.

Dan McCoy

[27:02] I am sitting on your back right now.

[27:04] So I know you can feel my boner.

[27:07] Get me up there.

[27:07] You are hoof blocking me, man.

Elliott Kalan

[27:09] Why would you do this to a bro?

[27:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[27:12] Bros before hooves, dude.

[27:14] So all of that happened exactly as we described.

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] It was a great scene.

[27:18] Anyway, they go up and have sex.

[27:20] And as with all first times having sex, it's magical and it feels great for both of them.

[27:25] And she dies.

[27:26] And her dad doesn't walk in.

[27:28] And she dies.

Dan McCoy

[27:29] It's not La Petite Mort.

[27:30] It's La Grande Mort.

Elliott Kalan

[27:32] Yeah.

[27:32] It's El Muerto Grande.

[27:34] Yeah.

[27:35] This is an Ariana Muerto Grande going on here.

[27:39] She dies and he is heartbroken.

[27:42] So when Pearlie shows up at the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge with an army of men and they fight each other.

[27:49] And he headbutts Colin Farrell off the bridge with five headbutts in a row.

[27:54] And Colin Farrell.

Stuart Wellington

[27:54] Using all different parts of his head when he butts them, too.

Elliott Kalan

[27:57] Yeah, yeah.

[27:57] Well, like the Native Americans, he uses all parts of the head when he headbutts people.

[28:01] So many butts.

[28:02] And Dan was like, butts?

[28:03] No, they were headbutts.

[28:04] Sorry, Dan.

[28:05] The worst kind of butts.

[28:07] Yeah.

[28:07] Butts on someone's head.

[28:08] A panda beba, if you will.

[28:10] So named after the Star Wars Cantina character who had a butt on his face.

[28:14] Anyway, Colin Farrell falls into the water.

[28:17] And here's where he crawls out and suddenly it's 2014.

[28:20] And he's apparently been wandering around for a hundred years, not remembering who he was, but being mysteriously drawn to Beverly's grave.

[28:28] How he lives that long?

[28:30] Because he's got to accomplish his miracle, dudes.

[28:33] The miracle on ice at the 1980 Olympics.

[28:36] He wins that.

[28:37] Gold medal.

[28:38] Do you believe in miracles?

[28:39] USA, USA.

[28:40] Still an amnesiac.

[28:41] I'm amazed they didn't have a montage a la X-Men Origins Wolverine of him fighting in every war between then and now.

[28:48] That would have been great.

Stuart Wellington

[28:49] But they didn't do that.

[28:50] Or him just like walking around.

[28:51] Him doing like chalk paintings while people fight around him.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] Because he does a lot of chalk drawings of that same image that Russell Crowe painted in blood.

[28:59] He's a red-haired girl staring at the moon.

[29:02] Now, it's 2014.

[29:03] He's in Central Park wandering around like a hobo who has an apartment and somehow affords, like you were saying, food and clothes and things, even though he's an amnesiac with no job.

[29:12] And he bumps into a little girl and meets her mother, Virginia, played by Jennifer Connelly.

Stuart Wellington

[29:17] Who I guess is just walking around her neighborhood in Park Slope, Brooklyn.

Elliott Kalan

[29:21] Except they were in Central Park when they bump into each other.

[29:23] That's what's so weird.

[29:24] But it looks like, well, you're probably right.

[29:25] Earlier they were in Prospect Park.

Dan McCoy

[29:26] If I'm going to give this movie anything, I'll give it that there were a couple times where I'm like, oh, William Hurt.

[29:33] Oh, Jennifer Connelly.

[29:35] Nice to see you guys.

[29:36] Nice to see you guys working.

[29:38] Seems like you've been away from movies for a while.

Elliott Kalan

[29:40] Look, Eva Marie Saint shows up.

[29:41] She's a piece of classic Hollywood.

[29:43] Yeah.

[29:43] Mm-hmm.

[29:44] When was the last time we saw her in Man of Steel?

[29:47] Yeah.

[29:47] Kevin Corrigan, a living link to the past.

Dan McCoy

[29:53] So good casting, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[29:55] I mean, I like Russell Crowe.

[29:58] Yeah.

[29:58] For the most part as an actor.

[29:59] Mm-hmm.

[30:00] When he's not singing.

[30:01] I mean, the heyday of when he could do a movie like The Insider and disappear into a character seems to be over.

[30:06] I blame Cinderella Man.

[30:08] I think that was the breaking point.

[30:09] But anyway.

Stuart Wellington

[30:10] And Colin Farrell has been good in things before.

Elliott Kalan

[30:15] Not this.

[30:16] No, not this.

[30:16] Because now he goes.

[30:17] He.

[30:18] I forget what happens.

[30:19] But he somehow is like, you know what?

[30:21] I'm not going to have amnesia anymore.

[30:23] I think I'll go back to my hiding place in Grand Central Station and find my old stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[30:26] He picks up the cancer kid.

[30:27] And the cancer kid reminds him that.

Elliott Kalan

[30:29] And the cancer kid is brought to him by.

[30:31] Here's the thing we glossed over earlier.

[30:33] He hires a stable for his magic horse earlier.

[30:36] And he gives the money to the black stable hand.

[30:39] Is this a normal person?

[30:40] No.

[30:41] It's one of the magical black people that lives in movies and helps white people.

[30:44] And the.

[30:45] Now suddenly.

[30:45] Faux bagger Vance, if you will.

[30:46] It's a hundred years later.

[30:48] And this faux bagger Vance character is just hanging out in Central Park.

[30:51] And he.

[30:52] Tossing his coin around.

[30:53] Tossing a coin that Colin Farrell gave him around.

[30:54] And he goes, here's your change, Peter.

[30:56] And he flips it.

[30:57] And there's a shimmer of light.

[30:59] Everything in this movie shines like crazy in the light.

[31:01] It's tons of glinting.

[31:03] And the little girl bumps into him.

[31:05] That character.

[31:06] Never seen again.

[31:06] That magic guy.

[31:08] It is the most like token character you could throw in.

[31:13] Yeah.

[31:13] And he's in like basically three scenes.

[31:15] And that he has a token.

Stuart Wellington

[31:16] He literally has a token.

[31:17] He literally throws a token in there.

Elliott Kalan

[31:19] A magical coin.

[31:21] Yeah.

[31:21] Peter gets his memory back.

[31:22] He decides.

Stuart Wellington

[31:23] But not magical gems.

[31:24] That's what.

[31:24] Russell Crowe has that like plate of magic gems.

[31:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[31:27] That he just kind of shakes around.

[31:29] Just cast in the room.

[31:30] And once the light flows through it.

[31:31] And it makes like an image of a building.

[31:33] Like I'm not sure what.

[31:35] There's a lot of magic in this movie.

[31:36] That we just catch glimpses of.

[31:38] That is not explained enough to make it cool.

[31:41] And instead it's just like.

[31:42] What are they doing now?

[31:43] And nor is it.

[31:43] What's wrong with this guy?

Stuart Wellington

[31:44] Nor is it enough stuff in the background.

[31:45] To make it feel like there's this like fleshed out world.

[31:48] No.

[31:48] This is a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[31:49] This is a movie struggling against the limits of its budget.

[31:52] Constantly.

Dan McCoy

[31:52] I could easily see there.

[31:54] Being a movie where they don't explain the magic.

[31:56] And that's what's great about it.

[31:58] Like it just is a thing that exists.

[32:00] And you're left to pick it up.

[32:01] I'm not quite sure.

[32:04] What the difference is.

[32:05] Like other than.

[32:06] This movie's.

[32:07] Between what?

[32:08] Between a good version of a movie.

[32:10] That doesn't explain a magic.

[32:11] And a bad movie.

[32:13] Except for this movie.

[32:14] All the magic.

[32:14] I mean you cut out.

[32:15] Completely arbitrary.

Stuart Wellington

[32:16] Cut out all the fucking exposition.

[32:17] This movie's.

[32:18] Yeah.

[32:19] Overloaded with it.

Elliott Kalan

[32:19] Well that's the thing.

[32:20] There's a lot.

[32:20] For as much as they don't explain.

[32:23] They over explain a lot of other stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] Like we find out she has to pick up her daughter at 3.30.

[32:28] That this.

[32:29] Somebody else likes pecans.

[32:31] Jennifer Connelly explains her job.

[32:34] And that she works there.

[32:35] And a couple other things to the person.

Elliott Kalan

[32:37] She's talking to a reception.

[32:38] She's like.

[32:38] I work here.

[32:39] Okay.

[32:39] I'm the food columnist.

[32:41] Great.

[32:41] Why are you telling me this.

[32:43] I'm working on a pecan piece.

[32:45] Yeah.

[32:46] Colin Farrell shows up at.

[32:48] At a.

[32:50] The.

[32:50] This place that.

[32:51] I guess it's the newspaper offices of the.

[32:54] It's something called the pen reading room.

[32:56] Which was William.

[32:56] We skipped over when he met William Hurt.

[32:58] And they have this conversation about whether he likes to drink wine at dinner.

[33:02] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[33:02] Who the shit cares.

[33:02] And how the words claret and filet are pronounced.

[33:05] And like.

[33:06] Ugh.

[33:06] It's supposed to be charming I guess.

[33:08] But it's like.

[33:09] Movie.

[33:09] You're killing me.

[33:10] Yeah.

[33:11] Well what's with the filler?

Dan McCoy

[33:12] What's with the stovetop stuffing here?

[33:14] Come on.

[33:14] Yeah.

[33:15] This is all filler.

[33:16] No killer.

[33:17] This movie.

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] And no Phyllis Diller.

[33:19] Oh boy.

[33:19] Just one Phyllis Diller laugh would have meant the world to me.

Dan McCoy

[33:23] I mean I do think that this is what happens when a screenwriter directs a movie.

[33:27] He's like this is all gold.

[33:28] Oh.

[33:29] All of it is gold.

[33:30] It's all staying in.

[33:31] We didn't.

Elliott Kalan

[33:31] Especially when it's Akiva Goldsman.

[33:33] Yeah.

[33:33] He thinks it's all gold because it's gold in his name.

[33:35] Mm-hmm.

[33:36] Who you may know as the writer of Lost in Space and what Batman and Robin.

[33:40] Yeah.

[33:40] Beautiful Mind.

[33:40] The writer of A Beautiful Mind.

[33:42] He is a producer of a bunch of movies.

[33:43] Tremendously high paid screenwriter.

[33:45] He's an incredibly successful Hollywood professional who has I think yet to make a single movie

[33:51] that I like that I've seen.

[33:52] Yeah.

[33:53] Agreed.

[33:54] Wait I thought you said Lost in Space.

[33:55] That's how he got William Hurt.

Dan McCoy

[33:58] Yeah.

[33:58] All the fun times they had on set with Matt Walk.

[34:01] Just goofing.

[34:03] Just goofing.

Elliott Kalan

[34:04] That time when they started calling it Lost in Case and it was like we're stuck in this giant

[34:10] suitcase.

[34:11] Oh.

[34:12] They play that game a lot.

[34:13] I gotta watch the DVD extras now.

[34:15] Oh they talk about it a lot.

[34:16] You're spoiling them all.

[34:16] There's a DVD extra called Pranks in Space which is all about all the practical jokes

[34:21] they played on the set.

[34:22] For instance.

[34:23] Lost in Lace.

Dan McCoy

[34:24] They all like wore lingerie to the set.

[34:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[34:27] Only Matt LeBlanc did that.

[34:29] It was weird.

[34:30] There was one whole day where Akiva Goldsman kept calling William Hurt John Hurt as a joke.

[34:35] And by the middle of the day William Hurt started wondering if maybe his name was John Hurt and

[34:39] he had been getting it wrong all these years.

[34:41] And he was like so was I in Alien or is his name William Hurt and I'm John Hurt?

[34:47] Why do I keep getting William Hurt's mail?

Stuart Wellington

[34:52] There's a problem here.

[34:53] Whose trailer should I get in?

[34:54] My trailer or William Hurt's trailer?

Dan McCoy

[34:57] Which one of us was the accidental tourist?

[34:59] I can't remember anymore.

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] Was I did I do a video production of Craps Less Tape by Samuel Beckett or was that the other

[35:08] was that the other Hurt?

[35:09] I can't understand anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[35:11] Was I in Spaceballs or was I not in Spaceballs?

[35:15] Hold on a second.

[35:16] 1984.

[35:16] Was that me?

[35:18] Hurt.

Elliott Kalan

[35:18] The song?

[35:20] Did I write that?

[35:22] Is it about me?

[35:23] Boy am I confused.

[35:24] And at the end of the day Akiva Goldsman was like prank surprise.

[35:28] Your name is William Hurt.

Dan McCoy

[35:29] But by that time his sense of self had been destroyed.

Elliott Kalan

[35:31] Oh he was a madman.

[35:32] He was just a shambling insane you know like shell husk of himself.

[35:36] Who am I?

[35:37] What?

[35:38] I am I John William Hurt?

[35:40] That's why he hasn't been in movies lately.

[35:42] That's because that happened 20 years ago.

Stuart Wellington

[35:45] He'll become this Renfeld character eating bugs and whatnot.

Elliott Kalan

[35:48] So that he can eventually work his way up to being a vampire like the master Akiva Goldsman.

[35:54] Did I mention he's a vampire?

[35:55] He is.

[35:56] Anyway.

[35:58] Akiva is short for Akivampire.

[36:01] So he shows up at the pen reading room which is named after William Hurt's character.

[36:07] And he's trying to find information about whatever.

[36:11] And Jennifer Connelly overhears him and is like here I'll help you.

[36:14] They go back to the microfilm library and she finds a picture from 1916 of Beverly and Peter together.

[36:20] But that can't be you.

[36:21] He hasn't aged a day.

[36:23] What?

Stuart Wellington

[36:24] And she even suggests that it's his dad.

[36:27] And I'm like that's been 90 years dude.

[36:30] He's 21 years old clearly.

Elliott Kalan

[36:33] How old do you think his dad was when he had maybe it's one of those like last surviving son of a confederate general or something like that.

[36:40] So they had a kid when they're in their 80s.

[36:42] But they go to the newspaper offices and she reintroduces him to Beverly's once young now elderly sister Willa played by Eva Marie Saint.

[36:51] They go back to the old house in Park Slope and she tells them she likes pecans.

[36:57] That's basically the extent of that scene.

[36:59] He goes to have dinner with Jennifer Connelly and her daughter.

[37:02] Her daughter has a seizure and it turns out she has cancer and is dying.

[37:06] This is it.

[37:07] This is the miracle that he was sent to stop.

[37:10] She has red hair.

[37:11] She's the red haired girl he was sent to save.

[37:13] Not his only love.

[37:15] Uh oh.

[37:16] Pearly who's still alive.

[37:17] Wait is he going to have sex with a little girl?

[37:18] No.

[37:19] That is not what happens.

[37:21] As you noticed as Zardoz said the penis is death.

[37:25] The penis is evil.

[37:26] As he showed by killing her with his penis when she died after they have sex.

[37:30] So according to Zardoz's rule.

[37:33] A real bad Johnson.

[37:35] Yeah.

[37:35] So his enormous Johnson.

[37:38] Was that what those shirts were or was it?

[37:40] No.

[37:41] I think it was huge Woody and big Johnson.

[37:43] That's what it was.

[37:44] Huge, yeah.

[37:45] And co-ed naked lacrosse or whatever.

[37:46] Where do the big dogs come in?

Stuart Wellington

[37:48] Anywhere?

[37:49] Well they certainly don't sit on the porch stand.

[37:52] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[37:54] Anyway, no fear Massimo.

Stuart Wellington

[37:55] Other trend shirts.

[37:58] Stussy.

[37:58] That all are what would be written on shirts that somebody with Colin Farrell's hair would be wearing.

[38:03] The important thing.

Elliott Kalan

[38:04] Shirts.

[38:04] Because Colin Farrell has this like, yeah, this mid-90s high schooler haircut.

Dan McCoy

[38:08] Yep, a real skater boy haircut.

[38:10] The important thing.

[38:10] Shirts that can only be worn by the coolest people.

[38:13] You know.

Elliott Kalan

[38:15] And only for six months before they stop being cool.

Stuart Wellington

[38:18] The great thing about those shirts is that they're really snug around the neck but they flare out around the waist.

[38:22] Yeah, well you gotta leave.

[38:23] To accommodate your bulky waistline.

Elliott Kalan

[38:25] You gotta leave room for people to see the umbro soccer shorts that you're also wearing.

[38:29] Were those big when you were a kid?

[38:30] When I was a teen those were huge for like eight months.

[38:32] I mean I was a soccer player so yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[38:34] Everybody wore them when I was a kid.

[38:35] Not just underpants.

[38:36] I would say I would wear one of those shirts over a pair of Jenko jeans.

[38:39] Okay.

[38:40] The kind of jeans that make people believe that you might not have legs at all but you just float around on currents of air.

Elliott Kalan

[38:49] And of course hypercolor was also in there somewhere too.

[38:52] Slap braces.

[38:52] Go on.

[38:53] Slap braces.

[38:55] I think you're getting your timelines fixed.

[38:56] You got your bootleg Simpson shirts.

[38:59] Bootleg Ninja Turtles shirts.

[39:01] All that stuff.

[39:02] Anyway, Hurley is still alive.

[39:05] He finds out Peter is still alive because his magic jewels tell him.

[39:09] And they go to Jennifer Connelly's apartment.

[39:12] The good guys escape on the back of Magic Horse who shows up again and flies them away to the old house, the old castle outside of town.

[39:19] But what were you going to say?

Stuart Wellington

[39:21] Before this, Russell Crowe goes to Will Smith and he's like, bro, I'm tired of being in this movie.

[39:27] Make me a mortal person so that if I battle this dude I'll die for real.

Elliott Kalan

[39:30] Well, he does that so he can leave the city.

Stuart Wellington

[39:33] Yeah.

[39:33] But I think, I mean, at this point he's just given up.

Elliott Kalan

[39:36] Yeah.

[39:36] Well, he's so driven with hate and revenge.

[39:41] And he wants to be out of the movie.

[39:42] Yeah.

[39:43] And so they go, they escape to the castle.

[39:47] The bad guys drive up in a bunch of cars.

[39:49] What a surprise.

[39:50] Flying Horse comes along and saves them by cracking the ice on a frozen lake.

[39:54] Thus making all the henchmen sink into the water, killing them, I assume, and sinking their cars.

[40:01] There's a fist fight between Russell Crowe and Colin Farrell.

[40:04] Russell Crowe is winning handily until Colin Farrell stabs him in the neck with the nameplate from the toy ship that brought him to New York in the first place.

[40:11] That's probably what his dad had in mind.

[40:13] Yep.

[40:14] And Peter, like, Abby seems to die and Peter cries on her and it brings her back to life.

[40:22] And then.

[40:23] That was the miracle that was inside him.

[40:24] That was the miracle that was inside him.

[40:26] And his work done, he visits Beverly's grave one last time and then gets on his magic horse and flies off into the stars to be a star.

Dan McCoy

[40:32] But don't forget, like, the bullshit narration where it's like, why did this girl get saved?

[40:37] Who knows?

[40:38] Maybe everyone's important.

[40:40] Maybe the world is looking out for everybody.

[40:42] I'm like, wait, hold on.

[40:43] That's not true.

Stuart Wellington

[40:44] Like, millions of people die tragically all the time.

[40:47] Yeah.

[40:48] What the fuck?

[40:49] What the fuck, movie?

[40:50] Stop lying to me.

[40:50] They don't all get to live in nice fucking Manhattan apartments.

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] Or fancy Park Slope houses.

Dan McCoy

[40:56] Yeah, magic does not intervene on all of our behalves when something shitty happens.

Elliott Kalan

[41:00] It's similar to M. Night Shyamalan's signs in which we are told that asthma was put on this earth to protect one kid from an alien with gas coming out of his wrists once.

[41:10] So it's like, oh, so all those people who died from it, I guess that was acceptable losses to save this one kid so that Mel Gibson could rediscover his faith.

[41:18] You know, it's a bullshit type of moral.

Dan McCoy

[41:20] Yeah, it's a borderline offensive reading of the universe.

Elliott Kalan

[41:24] But here's what I'm going to tell you about this movie.

[41:26] Okay.

[41:26] Is it particularly well made?

[41:28] No.

[41:28] The writing is low-key and sloppy and boring.

[41:32] How are the special effects?

[41:33] Pretty cheap looking.

[41:35] Is it well shot?

[41:36] No.

[41:37] The scenes always look like the camera's getting in close to hide the fact that they don't have a lot of background or budget to show you extras or things like that.

Stuart Wellington

[41:44] What about the performances?

Elliott Kalan

[41:46] The performances are wooden and lifeless.

Dan McCoy

[41:50] But the screenplay is top-notch, right?

Elliott Kalan

[41:52] As mentioned, the writing is not so good.

[41:54] Okay.

[41:54] Logi and the music is...

[41:57] Forgettable?

[41:58] At best, forgettable.

[41:59] At worst, treacle.

[42:00] But here's what I'm going to say about the movie.

[42:03] Costuming.

[42:04] The costuming, fine.

[42:05] I mean, it's not particularly great.

[42:07] Costuming's solid, I would say.

[42:09] I would say sometimes it's solid, but sometimes it looks like the same clothes are used for 1916 and 2014.

[42:15] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[42:15] They're all Sleepy Hollows.

[42:17] Yeah.

[42:18] I will say, I admire the ambition in making a fantasy romance and not playing it ironically or winking at the audience.

[42:28] But attempting to actually have some sort of grand, emotional, romantic...

[42:35] What's the word?

[42:37] What's the opposite of irony?

[42:39] Sincerity.

[42:40] Sincerity.

[42:41] Thank you.

[42:41] Some real sincerity to it?

[42:43] I can never...

[42:43] It's a word I have so much trouble remembering all the time, which says bad things about me.

[42:47] But I will say...

[42:47] Call me Mr. Antonym.

[42:50] That's what I'm here for.

[42:51] That's the dumbest Batman villain.

[42:54] I'm going to safe keep the diamond.

[42:57] He's going to rob it.

[42:59] It's Mr. Antonym.

[43:00] How did you know, Batman?

[43:02] Well, I just did the opposite of what you told me.

[43:06] The escape hatch is through that door.

[43:09] Okay, I guess I'll take the other one.

[43:11] Damn.

[43:12] I mean, great.

[43:13] Foiled again.

[43:14] I mean, not foiled again, because I have been foiled again.

[43:18] And Batman's like, at what point are you not just Bizarro?

[43:21] Well, you're just saying the opposite.

[43:21] That's my Buttman.

[43:25] Buttman?

[43:26] It's a porno.

[43:27] Yeah.

[43:28] This is Buttman meets Mr. Antonym.

[43:32] Did we not mention that?

[43:33] It's a mix of Marvel.

Stuart Wellington

[43:36] It's one of those crossovers with Marvel, right?

[43:39] The pornos?

Elliott Kalan

[43:40] Yeah, it's one of those porn crossovers.

[43:43] So, here's what I'm going to say.

[43:46] Not a good movie.

[43:47] Okay.

[43:47] But I'm always saying I'd like to see more movies that are fantasies,

[43:52] that are not two armies clashing across a verdant New Zealand field

[43:57] and a bunch of dwarves and hobbits and dragons and shit.

[44:00] Oh, the twitching that's going through space.

[44:02] I'm just saying there's more to fantasy than vaguely medieval settings.

[44:06] So, I appreciate that a story like that was attempted,

[44:08] but they did it very poorly and I didn't like it.

Stuart Wellington

[44:10] It was boring.

[44:11] Well, I think you're right.

[44:12] As much as I love all the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies,

[44:17] I feel like every other movie is trying to do that.

[44:21] Yes.

[44:21] Like the movie we haven't watched yet, Dracula Untold or whatever.

[44:26] I'm assuming from the trailers it does the same shit,

[44:29] like all the 300 clones.

Elliott Kalan

[44:30] I mean, like fantasy does not have to instantly mean slashed leather doublets and, you know,

[44:37] like wooden wheeled carts full of hay or like thatched roofs.

[44:42] You know, it's like I wish I liked this movie more because I like movies with a fantastical element

[44:47] that are not set in a Middle Earth medieval setting.

Dan McCoy

[44:51] Everything about it was really boring and dull.

[44:54] Yeah.

[44:54] So, I'm just, you know, I'm skipping over final judgments because we all agree it's a bad, bad movie.

Elliott Kalan

[44:59] I know.

[44:59] It's kind of like if you took...

[45:00] Right now.

[45:01] If you took like a Terry Gilliam movie and you drained all the blood out of it...

[45:05] Yeah.

[45:05] Maybe this would be like...

Dan McCoy

[45:06] This was one of the dullest movies we've watched.

Elliott Kalan

[45:09] This was like a John Foster dullest movie.

[45:12] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[45:13] Yeah, I mean, if you want to watch a movie that has the same kind of feel or like what this movie's going for,

[45:18] go watch fucking Stardust.

[45:20] Yeah.

[45:21] Which is a better version of this movie, basically.

Elliott Kalan

[45:23] And yeah, yeah, in some ways, yeah.

[45:26] So, moving on.

[45:28] It just makes me mad that this movie about Phantasm New York got made,

[45:31] but my screenplay about a bunch of wizards and ninjas fighting over real estate in New York

[45:36] and Robert Moses didn't get made.

Dan McCoy

[45:39] Yeah, I mean, the fact that your movie hinged on Robert Moses may be the reason that...

Elliott Kalan

[45:43] All the information you need to know is there.

[45:44] Here's one of the things I don't like.

[45:46] Let me just say this and then we'll get to the letters.

[45:47] Oh, boy.

[45:48] Does Robert Moses control the ninjas or the wizards?

[45:51] Both, essentially.

[45:52] Oh, okay.

[45:52] Well, the ninjas, basically, but there's wizardry involved.

[45:55] Here's the thing.

[45:56] People are so ready to watch a movie where they have to learn a lot of fake,

[46:00] made-up mythology bullshit, like Star Wars crap or Lord of the Rings crap or whatever.

[46:04] Fast and the Furious crap.

[46:06] Fast and the Furious crap.

[46:06] But if a movie involves actual history, people are like, forget it.

[46:11] Don't want to learn any of that stuff.

[46:13] Boring.

[46:14] I'll tell you what.

[46:15] Don't tell me any facts about things that actually happened.

[46:18] Tell me about who won the Battle of Kals Kagool back in the Eighth Meridian Age against the Gorsazians.

Dan McCoy

[46:26] Okay.

[46:27] Well, that was much of nonsense.

Stuart Wellington

[46:28] Was it in the Eighth Meridian Age or the Twelfth Nomarian Age?

Elliott Kalan

[46:33] It might have been it.

[46:33] Or the Fifteenth Abyssian Age.

Dan McCoy

[46:35] Before we move on to letters.

[46:39] My Zogoth's calendar.

[46:41] Before we move on to letters.

Elliott Kalan

[46:42] Back when King Sorgos ruled with his iron clockwork zombie man.

[46:46] Yeah?

Dan McCoy

[46:47] Before we move on to letters, just a word of thanks.

[46:50] This is the first show that's coming out post-Max Fund Drive.

[46:54] Thank you to everyone.

[46:55] The Pledge Drive 2015.

[46:57] Thank you to everyone who supported the show.

[46:59] We are new to the Maximum Fund Network.

[47:01] And nude to the Maximum Fund Network.

[47:03] Sometimes.

[47:04] Unlike old shows that have donors that are re-upping, we are starting from zero in terms of donations.

[47:11] Less than zero.

[47:13] So thank you to everyone who donated and listed us as one of the shows that they listen to.

[47:18] Thank you very much.

[47:19] Thereby throwing some money our way.

Elliott Kalan

[47:21] I really appreciate it.

[47:23] And we all do.

[47:24] And there's something really nice about getting that kind of direct support from listeners.

[47:30] When you don't have to, but it shows that you really care about us and we care about you.

[47:34] So thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[47:35] Thanks, guys.

S4

[47:35] Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Rendered, a show about making meaning and breaking rules.

[47:47] Tune in to hear how learning to butcher could change your life.

[47:50] Why turning to the internet for health advice is sometimes a good idea.

[47:55] And what happens when artists are really honest.

Dan McCoy

[47:58] I mean, I just, I think of most of my career in music and art as a bunch of failures, you know?

S4

[48:06] So what keeps you going with it, then?

[48:09] Check out Rendered now at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts.

Dan McCoy

[48:17] To move on, two letters from you, the listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[48:22] Well, what's that in Dan's hand?

[48:25] What's that in Dan's hand?

[48:26] All over the land, they're asking, what's in Dan's hand?

[48:29] It's a piece of paper.

[48:31] I feel like it's established within my hand.

[48:32] I think it's a paper with writing on it.

[48:35] What's it say?

[48:37] Today.

[48:37] If I just.

[48:38] Dear Flophouse, on this paper there is a map to a treasure.

[48:44] Beyond measure.

[48:46] Maybe it's crap.

[48:47] But go and follow it there.

[48:50] You'll fight bears.

[48:51] You'll eat hairs.

[48:53] Rabbits, that is.

[48:54] Not like a wig.

[48:56] It's a magical quest in a letter for Dan.

[49:01] Dear Dan, you may not remember me, but I'm the long lost mother of your child.

[49:06] Bum, bum, bum.

[49:08] I'm a princess from Mars, and I need you to come back to rule my planet for me.

[49:13] Signed, Dan.

[49:15] Why'd you sign your own name to your fake letter that you wrote, Dan?

Dan McCoy

[49:17] It's not a song anymore.

[49:18] You're just saying things.

Elliott Kalan

[49:19] I'm talk singing.

[49:20] Like Rex Harrison.

[49:21] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:22] Thanks, my fair lady.

[49:24] Anyway.

[49:25] So, first letter.

[49:26] Buckle in, guys.

[49:27] This one's a little long.

[49:29] Okay.

[49:29] We'll make it longer because we're interrupting.

[49:31] Greetings, the Flophouse.

[49:32] Let me be the first to congratulate you on your upcoming 80th anniversary.

[49:36] Thanks, dude.

[49:37] Yes, the privileged few remember you when you first premiered in the fall 1934 season on

[49:42] WEAF radio.

[49:44] And your early...

[49:44] But I like this.

Elliott Kalan

[49:44] It shows you how old this letter is that it's the 80th anniversary in 2014, which was months

[49:49] ago.

Dan McCoy

[49:49] Your early rivalry with Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.

[49:53] Those were the halcyon days when the show was called American Telephone and Telegraph Theater

[49:58] presents Stan McCoy's The Flophouse.

[50:01] Stewart was particularly memorable during those early years as his dulcet tones helped the

[50:04] nation forget the ravages of the Depression.

[50:07] And we dreamed of a better world in which we, too, could ride high as the capstone of a pyramid

[50:11] of a water skiing bikini model.

[50:13] It's a shame that Stewart was fined so many times for saying bootylicious.

[50:17] Truly, he was ahead of his time.

[50:20] The 1940s brought the Flophouse into the war effort, as Dan called on America each and

[50:25] every fortnight to buy war bombs.

[50:27] It was a shame that Elliot...

[50:28] Daddy war bombs.

[50:28] It was a shame that Elliot was absent during many of those shows, but when we later learned

[50:33] he was in LA...

[50:34] Not LA.

[50:35] Los Alamos, rather.

[50:37] Working on the...

Elliott Kalan

[50:37] I guess you could call that LA.

[50:39] Nobody does, but...

Dan McCoy

[50:40] Working on the Manhattan Project.

[50:42] The La La Land.

Elliott Kalan

[50:44] I was over in La La Land.

Dan McCoy

[50:45] You know Los Alamos?

[50:47] That's what I get for trying to shorten this extremely long letter.

[50:50] In Los Alamos...

[50:50] No, no.

Elliott Kalan

[50:50] You picked the right way to do it, by calling Los Alamos LA.

[50:54] Working on the Manhattan Project, we knew it was for the greater good.

[50:56] We were trying to create a drink, a cocktail, so powerful it could blow up Japan.

[51:00] We didn't, but we created the Manhattan.

Dan McCoy

[51:03] Elliot was not a scientist, of course.

[51:05] He was brought in to do the first of what would later become Elliot's world-famous movie screenings.

[51:09] After the secrecy was lifted, it was fun to learn that Oppenheyer and Feynman were huge movie buffs.

[51:14] I also remember your 20th anniversary television spectacular during a very special episode of The Ed Sullivan Show,

[51:19] in which your eager fans finally learned the true stories behind their favorite hosts.

[51:24] Dan McCoy, we learned, was actually Danforth Skrillex McAvoy,

[51:27] old-money scion of the Newport McAvoys and the Los Angeles Skrillexes.

[51:32] He leveraged his family's best mournful side-based fortune into America's most popular radio show.

[51:40] It seems Stuart Wellington was actually born Suprat Wadidit of Thailand,

[51:46] the last surviving heir to the long-vanquished kingdom of Atuthia.

Elliott Kalan

[51:52] See, that might be real history stuff, but the audience is like, boring.

[51:56] Give me some fantasy shit.

[51:58] Tell me something about a space empire.

[52:00] Are they Tiger Men?

Stuart Wellington

[52:02] Seeing that he had already become the coolest dude in all of Asia,

Dan McCoy

[52:05] he set off on a steamer to conquer the West.

[52:07] Taking an American name that sounded only vaguely like his birth name,

[52:11] he famously quipped to William Randolph Hearst,

[52:13] fuck it, close enough.

[52:15] And as we all know, Elliot has no memory before the time he was found himself

[52:18] prowling the frozen plains of Canada,

[52:20] his heightened senses tracking the Arctic animals,

[52:23] his bone claws itching to burst forth from the backs of his hands.

[52:26] To this day, he doesn't speak of the secret government project that laced his bones with steel.

[52:31] Well, some nerd...

[52:31] Well, Admantium.

[52:32] Some nerd on the Jon Stewart show once said they weren't steel,

[52:35] but rather some kind of crazy moon man element.

[52:38] But he doesn't know what he's talking about.

[52:40] This TV appearance...

[52:41] Hey, I once said that.

[52:42] Hey, wait a minute.

[52:44] This TV appearance was, of course,

[52:45] also America's very first glimpse of the Flophouse house cat

[52:47] who strutted onto stage with his greased back hair,

[52:50] insolent blue jeans,

[52:51] and dismissive smirk.

Elliott Kalan

[52:53] Insolent blue jeans.

Dan McCoy

[52:55] Never had a television appearance cause such an uproar.

[52:57] However, director Nicholas Ray would soon after base the movie Rebel Without a Cause

[53:02] in the house cat.

[53:03] Rebel Without a Claws, because the house cat was declawed.

[53:05] And the appearance stuck in the mind of a young Jim Morrison

[53:08] who would later dedicate the Doors record Strange Days to him,

[53:11] although Morrison referred to the house cat only as his royal awesomeness.

[53:15] I could go on, but I'll leave it with you this.

[53:17] Mostly I remember the spectacular guest hosts from Flophouse history,

[53:20] Lucille Ball, Jackie Gleason, Boris Karloff, Andy Kaufman,

[53:23] Carol Burnett, Johnny Carson, and my personal favorite, a young Michael Caine.

[53:27] What are your favorite memories from your illustrious careers?

[53:30] Congratulations on your 80 years, and here's to another 80.

[53:32] Nick, last name withheld.

[53:34] Thank you.

Elliott Kalan

[53:35] Thanks, Nick. That was great.

[53:36] I mean, it took 80 years to read the thing.

[53:38] Yeah.

[53:39] Wow, it's been a long, strange time, hasn't it, guys?

[53:42] And it kind of makes me want to say,

[53:45] thanks for the memories.

[53:47] For Stuart and his pants.

[53:50] For Dan and all those ants.

[53:53] For me.

[53:55] And another thing that ends in ants.

[53:59] Thank you so much.

[54:01] We've had a fun time.

[54:03] It's just talking now, basically.

[54:04] We've had a lot of fun tonight.

[54:07] We've had some fun lines.

[54:09] We've committed crimes.

[54:12] Covered ourselves in grime.

[54:15] Have you heard the chimes?

[54:16] At midnight.

[54:17] A movie I've never quite gotten around to seeing,

[54:21] but I've heard good things sometimes.

[54:25] Thank you.

[54:26] For that extra.

[54:26] Yeah, yeah.

[54:27] That reprise.

Dan McCoy

[54:30] That was our old theme song.

[54:31] I guess we're 100 years old,

[54:33] if this is our 80th anniversary.

[54:35] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[54:35] We're a bunch of Colin Farrell's,

[54:37] Peter Lake's,

Stuart Wellington

[54:38] Widow's Tales's.

[54:39] I got a miracle in me, Elliot.

[54:40] Would you like to see it?

[54:42] After the show, I guess.

[54:43] Sounds weirdly sexual.

Dan McCoy

[54:44] This next letter is titled...

[54:46] Do you have a miracle in you?

[54:47] Would you like one?

[54:48] This next letter is titled

[54:49] appropriately after that last letter.

[54:52] In case you are in need of a short letter

[54:54] to read on the show.

[54:55] And it goes like this.

[54:57] Ding, ding, ding.

Elliott Kalan

[54:58] Ding.

Dan McCoy

[55:01] Yours in flop ship.

[55:02] Cassandra last name withheld.

[55:04] Of the clan last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[55:05] I feel harassed.

[55:07] Thank you.

[55:08] Thank you, Cassandra.

[55:09] You said that weird.

[55:10] Yeah, I'm not sure if the inflection was what...

[55:13] How would you read this?

[55:15] Like, mmm.

[55:17] You sounded more like someone

[55:19] who had been kidnapped

[55:19] and tape put over their mouths,

[55:20] but they were kind of aroused.

Dan McCoy

[55:23] I just read what's on the page.

[55:25] I think it says...

Stuart Wellington

[55:28] I don't know how you're getting that sound.

[55:33] Yeah.

[55:34] You got to make your mouth weird.

[55:36] And then just push air out of your lungs.

[55:38] I get how you make that sound.

[55:39] I just don't know how you look at what's on the page.

Elliott Kalan

[55:42] How do you translate that visual writing?

Stuart Wellington

[55:45] Okay, so synapses start firing in my old brain box.

[55:49] Okay.

[55:49] Laser beams go to my chest,

[55:52] where I compress my diaphragm.

Elliott Kalan

[55:54] Laser beams.

[55:56] So I appreciate...

[55:57] Magic horse flies into your nostrils.

Dan McCoy

[56:00] I appreciate keeping that one short.

[56:02] And now here's a letter that's in between those two extremes.

Elliott Kalan

[56:06] Wow, we're running the gamut tonight.

[56:08] From long letters to short letters to middle letters,

Stuart Wellington

[56:11] the flop house has got it all.

[56:13] Popular Asian horror movie between those two extremes.

Elliott Kalan

[56:18] It's an anthology of just one movie,

[56:21] and then you have to imagine what the other two movies were.

Dan McCoy

[56:25] It goes like this.

[56:26] Hey, dudes.

[56:27] Hello from one of your fans...

[56:29] This guy sounds cool.

[56:30] Hello from one of your fans of African-American descent.

[56:32] That's right.

[56:33] I said fans.

[56:34] A few months ago, I was successfully...

Elliott Kalan

[56:36] Were the other letters not fans?

[56:39] Dan, what have you been hiding from us?

Dan McCoy

[56:40] I was successfully able to get my older brother addicted to the podcast.

[56:43] More gaslighting than French Connection 2.

[56:46] Now I finally have another person...

Elliott Kalan

[56:47] You mean you didn't fill him up with heroin?

Dan McCoy

[56:50] Now I finally have another person to talk to,

[56:53] since apparently all my white friends are not nerdy-slash-black enough

[56:56] to listen to the flop house.

[56:58] Recently, I texted my brother excitedly that Stuart mentioned

[57:01] too short on the flop house.

[57:03] He replied, quote, nice.

[57:06] This brings me to the crux of my letter.

[57:09] I was playing a game with my brother

[57:10] to find out which of the hosts would be most mistaken

[57:13] for a black man based solely on their main characteristics.

[57:16] I mean, none of us, probably.

[57:17] Elliot is the front runner because of his love of Popeyes.

[57:20] Young black men like myself...

[57:21] That is offensive.

[57:22] ...appreciate Popeyes for being a sanctum of flavor and spices.

[57:25] It is delicious.

[57:26] Elliot obviously gets that.

[57:28] Then there's Dan, most would say the most obviously white guy of the group.

[57:31] But he gets props for his love of OPP,

[57:34] or specifically OPB, other people's butts.

[57:38] He gets it.

Elliott Kalan

[57:39] If the flopper who's most likely to have a subscription to King Magazine...

Dan McCoy

[57:43] Then Stuart.

[57:44] He has a huge penis.

[57:46] That's his in.

Elliott Kalan

[57:47] Yay!

[57:48] You don't know that.

[57:49] That's hearsay.

[57:50] From Stuart.

[57:53] Anywho.

[57:54] It's not like the National Penis Bureau released its statistics.

[57:57] Yeah, but it's not like...

Stuart Wellington

[57:58] ...stuart's at the top.

[57:58] ...not like traveling scalds spread the word,

[58:01] the songs of my weenus,

[58:03] of Jormungundir,

[58:05] snaking its way through my trousers.

[58:06] Gather round, children,

Elliott Kalan

[58:07] and I'll tell you a tale

[58:08] of a serpent as large as a whale.

Dan McCoy

[58:12] Jesus.

[58:12] If I had been...

[58:13] If I had it to do over again,

[58:14] I would have started a rumor

[58:16] about my fucking penis

[58:17] at the beginning of the show.

Elliott Kalan

[58:18] Yeah, well,

[58:19] you didn't jump on that

[58:20] when you should have, Stuart.

[58:21] Strike while the penis is hard.

[58:23] With what, a hammer?

[58:25] Turn into a sword penis?

[58:26] Why is the penis hot?

[58:27] I don't like that.

[58:28] Because you have a consumption fever

[58:31] that makes you too burninged up.

[58:32] Yeah.

[58:33] You gotta stick your penis in snow.

[58:34] He says,

Dan McCoy

[58:35] Anywho, I say Dan

[58:36] because if anything,

[58:37] it'll make Elliot suspicious

[58:38] of who actually wrote this letter.

[58:39] Yeah, Dan did.

[58:40] P.S.

[58:40] I really want to win a contest

[58:41] so I can make you guys watch

[58:42] Prince's directorial debut,

[58:45] Magnum Opus,

[58:45] Under the Cherry Moon,

[58:47] the sequel to Purple Rain.

[58:48] Peace and love,

[58:49] peace and love.

[58:51] Julian, last name withheld.

[58:52] Thanks for writing in, Julian.

[58:53] Hey, thanks.

Stuart Wellington

[58:54] Thank you for...

[58:55] And giving us cred.

[58:57] Yep.

[58:58] Which stands for...

[58:59] Thanks for writing a letter

[59:00] that made Dan look at me weird.

[59:04] Because it made him think about your brain.

[59:04] I wouldn't say Iago weird,

[59:06] but a little bit weird.

Elliott Kalan

[59:08] Iago...

[59:08] Do you mean Iago from Othello

[59:09] or Iago from Aladdin?

[59:11] Wait, there's an Iago in Aladdin?

[59:13] Yeah, the little bird

[59:14] that Gilbert Gottfried is the voice of.

[59:15] Oh, right.

[59:15] Uh, Jafar's right-hand bird, Iago.

[59:18] Mm-hmm.

[59:19] That's weird.

[59:20] Did Shakespeare get it from...

[59:22] From Aladdin, yeah.

[59:23] No kidding.

[59:24] Shakespeare's plays

[59:24] are full of references

[59:25] to Disney movies.

[59:26] Oh, okay.

Dan McCoy

[59:28] And, uh...

[59:28] The tragedy of Bamblet.

[59:30] Dear of Denmark.

[59:33] Yeah, this is the last...

[59:34] They could also double as a porno.

[59:36] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[59:37] Has there ever been a porno of Hamlet?

Dan McCoy

[59:39] Seven very short gentlemen of Verona.

Elliott Kalan

[59:44] I wonder,

[59:45] has there ever been a porn of Hamlet

[59:46] where instead of stabbing Polonius

[59:48] through the curtain,

[59:49] he's just, like,

[59:50] shoving his dick through the curtain?

[59:52] Mm-hmm.

[59:52] Yeah, I mean, probably.

[59:53] Somebody make that.

[59:54] I mean, this is...

[59:55] Your time to...

Dan McCoy

[59:56] Yeah, you're leaving money on the table.

Elliott Kalan

[59:58] I don't know how money is.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:01] Probably a lot of puns.

[1:00:03] So this last letter,

[1:00:05] another short one.

[1:00:06] Dear Elliot.

[1:00:07] That's me.

[1:00:08] Which Busby Berkeley number

[1:00:09] is pervious?

[1:00:10] By a waterfall or dames?

[1:00:12] Sincerely, PJ,

[1:00:13] last name withheld.

[1:00:14] P.S.

[1:00:14] Please recommend

[1:00:15] more pre-code musicals.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:17] Oh, okay.

[1:00:18] I mean, well,

[1:00:19] dames is my favorite of those,

[1:00:20] but By a Waterfall,

[1:00:22] I mean,

[1:00:22] the girls look neuter,

[1:00:24] whereas dames, though,

[1:00:25] is just about dames.

[1:00:26] I would say it's in...

[1:00:28] Is it in Roman...

[1:00:29] No, it's in...

[1:00:30] Fashions of 1934, I think,

[1:00:33] is the number

[1:00:34] where the women

[1:00:34] were actually nude

[1:00:35] in certain shots

[1:00:36] and just had their hair

[1:00:37] covering different places,

[1:00:40] but...

Dan McCoy

[1:00:40] Yeah, I remember

[1:00:42] the Gold Diggers of 1933

[1:00:43] is some pretty racy shit.

[1:00:44] It's super racy,

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:46] but I don't know

[1:00:46] how to say pervy, though.

[1:00:47] No, you know what?

[1:00:48] The perviest is maybe

[1:00:50] some of the stuff in...

[1:00:52] Is it in Footlight Parade,

[1:00:54] the honeymoon hotel number?

[1:00:56] I think that's the one

[1:00:56] where...

[1:00:58] Where...

[1:00:59] Why am I forgetting his name?

[1:01:01] What's the name

[1:01:02] of the dwarf actor

[1:01:04] who was in tons and tons of stuff?

[1:01:06] I don't know.

[1:01:07] Kenny Baker.

[1:01:08] No, not Kenny Baker.

[1:01:09] Oh, wait.

[1:01:10] Warwick Davis.

[1:01:11] No, not Warwick Davis.

[1:01:15] This is frustrating.

[1:01:16] Well, anyway,

[1:01:17] he is like...

[1:01:18] I want to say he like...

[1:01:20] Udo Kier.

[1:01:20] It's implied that he just slept

[1:01:21] with a guy's wife

[1:01:22] on her honeymoon

[1:01:23] and he throws something at him

[1:01:24] as he scurries under the bed

[1:01:25] or...

[1:01:27] I don't know.

[1:01:27] You know what?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:27] I saw a clip

[1:01:28] from Flying Down to Rio recently

[1:01:29] where they had, like,

[1:01:30] ladies on the wings of a plane

[1:01:32] where there are clearly nipples

[1:01:34] visible through the body suits

[1:01:37] they're wearing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:38] I mean, that's possible.

[1:01:39] I mean, nothing beats

[1:01:40] the one scene in the movie

[1:01:42] The Hurricane,

[1:01:43] the John Ford movie,

[1:01:44] where the wind literally

[1:01:45] just blows a woman's clothes

[1:01:47] off for a split second

[1:01:48] and you can see her boobs

[1:01:49] in the movie in the 30s

[1:01:50] and you're like,

[1:01:50] wait, what?

[1:01:51] What just happened?

[1:01:52] Is it screwballs?

[1:01:54] I'm looking up this name

[1:01:55] because it's really...

[1:01:55] Oh, Billy Barty.

[1:01:57] That's what I'm looking up.

[1:01:57] Anyway, the...

[1:01:59] So nudity of the classic era

[1:02:01] is the more...

[1:02:02] I mean, I guess what I'm saying

[1:02:03] is in the 30s

[1:02:03] they got away

[1:02:04] with a lot more of that stuff.

[1:02:05] Yeah.

[1:02:05] But pre-code musicals,

[1:02:06] I mean,

[1:02:07] Dames is my favorite of those.

[1:02:10] But you can't go wrong

[1:02:10] with Gold Diggers 1933

[1:02:12] or the Lullaby

[1:02:14] or Broadway sequence

[1:02:15] in Gold Diggers 1935.

[1:02:16] The rest of the movie

[1:02:16] is not so amazing.

[1:02:18] But that one sequence,

[1:02:18] which is like 12 minutes long,

[1:02:20] is amazing.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:22] So now,

[1:02:23] we move on to our final segment

[1:02:24] of the evening.

[1:02:26] Recommendations.

[1:02:27] Final judgments.

[1:02:28] No.

[1:02:29] No.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:29] Was this a good bad episode?

[1:02:30] No.

[1:02:31] A bad bad episode?

[1:02:32] Jesus.

[1:02:32] Bad bad.

[1:02:34] Really?

Dan McCoy

[1:02:34] I didn't think it was that bad.

[1:02:36] This is the part of the show

[1:02:37] where we recommend movies

[1:02:39] that we actually liked

[1:02:41] that we would recommend

[1:02:42] that instead of

[1:02:44] Winter's Tale.

[1:02:45] And if I can go first,

[1:02:46] I'd like to recommend

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:46] a movie full of magic,

[1:02:48] romance, and history.

[1:02:49] It's called Winter's Tale.

[1:02:50] No.

[1:02:50] It stars Mr. Colin Farrell,

[1:02:52] my fave.

[1:02:53] Colin Firth?

[1:02:54] No.

[1:02:54] It stars Colin Firth

[1:02:56] and some lady from Downton Abbey,

[1:02:57] Maggie Smith, I think.

[1:02:58] And they fall in love

[1:02:59] in the past.

[1:03:00] There's a magic horse

[1:03:01] voiced by Bobcat Goldthwait.

[1:03:04] He's named Hot to Try.

[1:03:06] That's his name?

[1:03:07] Yeah.

[1:03:08] And he keeps wondering

[1:03:09] who's Harry Crumb.

[1:03:10] He just doesn't know.

[1:03:12] Meanwhile,

[1:03:12] Salacious Crumb is like,

[1:03:13] my brother, Harry,

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:14] we run a plumbing business together?

[1:03:16] Meanwhile,

[1:03:17] Bronson Pinchot

[1:03:18] has the second site.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:19] So you just gotta blame it

[1:03:20] on the bellboy

[1:03:21] when Dunstan checks in.

[1:03:22] And there are a couple

[1:03:23] of loose cannons

[1:03:24] running around.

[1:03:25] In those four rooms.

[1:03:27] What other hotel movies

[1:03:28] are there for dogs

[1:03:30] in Rwanda?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:34] Oh, boy.

[1:03:35] Watch out,

[1:03:36] there's angels

[1:03:36] in that outfield.

[1:03:37] Uh-oh.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:39] But blame it on Rio.

[1:03:41] Because the devil's

[1:03:42] in a blue dress

[1:03:43] field of dreams.

[1:03:46] So that's the movie.

[1:03:47] The last one,

[1:03:48] I feel like,

[1:03:48] is in a way different vein

[1:03:49] than the other movies.

[1:03:52] I guess you're just gonna

[1:03:53] have to go find

[1:03:54] Oliver and Company

[1:03:55] and throw him

[1:03:55] in the Black Cauldron

[1:03:57] where they'll spend

[1:03:59] 120 days of Sodom.

[1:04:02] In Fern Gully,

[1:04:03] the last rainforest.

[1:04:04] where you can find

[1:04:07] Baby,

[1:04:07] Legend of the Lost Dinosaur.

[1:04:09] But nobody puts

[1:04:10] Baby in a corner

[1:04:11] in the movie

[1:04:12] Dirty Dancing

[1:04:12] or as it's also known,

[1:04:14] Grimy Footloose.

[1:04:18] There's gonna be some

[1:04:19] Havana Nights

[1:04:20] Dirty Dancing 2.

[1:04:22] And who can forget

[1:04:23] Flintstones

[1:04:24] Viva Rock Vegas

[1:04:25] where Theodore Rex

[1:04:27] Who can forget that?

[1:04:30] Makes a quick change

[1:04:32] because

[1:04:34] he's trapped in paradise

[1:04:37] where he's finding

[1:04:39] nothing but trouble

[1:04:40] with a tale of two kitties.

[1:04:42] And he's looking

[1:04:42] for an exit to eat.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:46] So Destiny turns

[1:04:47] on the radio

[1:04:48] and he gets married

[1:04:50] to the mob

[1:04:50] before his honeymoon

[1:04:52] in Vegas.

[1:04:53] Where I love you to death.

[1:04:56] Moonstruck.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:57] All dogs go to heaven.

[1:05:00] My blue heaven.

[1:05:02] For Rock-A-Doodle.

[1:05:05] But that's when

[1:05:05] Harley Davidson

[1:05:06] and the Marble Man

[1:05:07] show up.

[1:05:08] For the air up there.

[1:05:10] Do you want a man?

[1:05:12] It's some cool runnings

[1:05:14] as Lady Bugs

[1:05:18] meets MVP

[1:05:19] Most Valuable Primate

[1:05:21] because Air Bud

[1:05:22] Life on the streets.

[1:05:28] It's a real

[1:05:29] HBO documentaries

[1:05:32] hookers at the point.

[1:05:35] Watch out

[1:05:36] for those BMX bandits.

[1:05:40] Because they are

[1:05:41] breaking to

[1:05:41] Electric Boogaloo

[1:05:42] all the rules.

[1:05:46] This next Karate Kids

[1:05:48] is full of

[1:05:49] solar babies.

[1:05:51] And they're

[1:05:52] home alone.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:55] But watch out

[1:05:57] when Space Hunter

[1:05:57] adventures in the

[1:05:59] Forbidden Zone.

[1:06:01] Find some space

[1:06:02] truckers.

[1:06:03] On the ice planet

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:04] with Krull.

[1:06:06] And some ice pirates.

[1:06:10] I meant to say

[1:06:11] ice pirates

[1:06:11] when I said

[1:06:12] ice planet.

[1:06:12] No.

[1:06:13] Yeah, yeah.

[1:06:14] It's a real

[1:06:15] planet terror

[1:06:16] and planet Hollywood.

[1:06:19] Okay.

[1:06:20] That was good.

[1:06:20] I needed that laugh.

[1:06:21] So what are you

[1:06:22] recommending, Elliot?

[1:06:23] Anyway, so this movie

[1:06:24] is called

[1:06:24] Winter's Tale.

[1:06:26] You son of a bitch.

[1:06:28] It's a story of

[1:06:29] magic, mirth,

[1:06:30] mayhem,

[1:06:31] monsters,

[1:06:32] murder,

[1:06:33] and a man.

[1:06:34] And myrrh.

[1:06:35] And myrrh.

[1:06:35] A man?

[1:06:38] So, Dan,

[1:06:38] why don't you go first?

Dan McCoy

[1:06:41] Okay.

[1:06:42] This is not a,

[1:06:44] I would say this is not

[1:06:45] a full-throated

[1:06:45] recommendation.

[1:06:46] It's Deep Throat.

[1:06:47] But it's a,

[1:06:48] but it's a movie

[1:06:49] I enjoyed.

[1:06:50] So how much of the

[1:06:51] throat, like half full?

[1:06:52] Because I'm more of a

[1:06:53] throat half empty

[1:06:53] type guy.

[1:06:54] Oh boy, god damn it.

[1:06:55] It's just a movie

[1:06:56] that I had fun watching.

[1:06:58] I went out and I saw

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:59] Check Your Brain

[1:07:00] at the Door, you know?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:01] Is that so wrong?

[1:07:01] No, it is.

[1:07:02] To have a little fun

[1:07:03] while traveling

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:04] through this veil of tears?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:05] It is a little bit

[1:07:05] of a check your brain.

[1:07:06] But I enjoyed

[1:07:08] But again,

[1:07:08] we've talked about this.

[1:07:09] Keep the ticket.

[1:07:09] Don't lose your heart.

[1:07:10] I enjoyed Run All Night,

[1:07:12] the new Liam Neeson

[1:07:14] actioner.

[1:07:17] Mostly because it had

[1:07:19] some good character

[1:07:21] actors in.

[1:07:21] In addition to Liam Neeson,

[1:07:23] you've got Joel

[1:07:24] Kennaman,

[1:07:25] you've got Ed Harris,

[1:07:26] you've got Vincent

[1:07:27] D'Onofrio.

[1:07:27] It's pronounced

[1:07:28] Cinnamon.

[1:07:29] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:30] It's pronounced

[1:07:30] Don-Rafrio.

[1:07:32] Vincent Don-Frio.

[1:07:34] Is there a

[1:07:35] common in it?

Dan McCoy

[1:07:36] It has common.

[1:07:37] Gangster rapper.

[1:07:38] Common is in.

[1:07:39] Gangster rapper.

[1:07:40] Academy Award winner.

[1:07:43] And for an action movie,

[1:07:45] it takes its time

[1:07:46] setting up the scenario.

[1:07:48] But then once the scenario

[1:07:49] is set up,

[1:07:51] I feel like the action

[1:07:52] moves along

[1:07:53] like a shot.

[1:07:55] Like,

[1:07:55] there's very little

[1:07:56] dead time

[1:07:57] once the scenario

[1:07:58] is set in place.

[1:08:00] Okay.

[1:08:00] It's an old

[1:08:02] set-em-up,

[1:08:02] knock-em-down movie.

[1:08:03] Yeah,

[1:08:03] no,

[1:08:03] I mean,

[1:08:03] you care about

[1:08:05] where the characters

[1:08:06] are when the action

[1:08:08] starts.

[1:08:10] And there's some

[1:08:11] inventive action

[1:08:12] sequences,

[1:08:12] in particular one

[1:08:14] that takes place

[1:08:14] in a high-rise

[1:08:16] housing project.

[1:08:22] Like Dread.

[1:08:24] Or the Raid.

[1:08:26] Of the,

[1:08:27] it got a lot of

[1:08:28] kind of mixed reviews,

[1:08:29] but I think that's

[1:08:29] because there's

[1:08:30] a bit of a

[1:08:31] saturation.

[1:08:32] There's a little bit

[1:08:32] of a Liam Neeson

[1:08:33] action backlash

[1:08:34] right now.

[1:08:35] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:35] But I think it's

[1:08:36] one of the...

[1:08:37] It's time for a new

[1:08:37] elderly action star,

[1:08:39] Sean Penn in

[1:08:39] The Gunman.

[1:08:40] He's armed with the truth.

[1:08:42] It's one of the

[1:08:42] And a gun.

Dan McCoy

[1:08:44] It's one of the

[1:08:44] higher tier

[1:08:45] Liam Neeson

[1:08:46] action movies.

[1:08:48] I would put it up there.

[1:08:49] How many wolves

[1:08:50] does he fistfight?

[1:08:52] There are no wolves.

[1:08:54] Just wolves that wear

[1:08:55] the flesh of men.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:57] I enjoyed it.

[1:08:58] Daywalkers?

[1:08:59] Known as criminals.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:00] Oh, okay.

[1:09:01] I did not,

[1:09:02] you know,

[1:09:02] I still probably enjoy

[1:09:03] something like

[1:09:04] Taken more,

[1:09:05] but it's up there

[1:09:06] with something

[1:09:06] non-stop,

[1:09:07] like a fun,

[1:09:08] silly...

[1:09:08] So you're saying

[1:09:08] you were Taken

[1:09:09] with Run All Night.

[1:09:10] I was Taken

[1:09:11] with Run All Night.

[1:09:12] I had fun.

[1:09:13] It was a silly

[1:09:14] action movie.

[1:09:14] I enjoyed it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:15] You were Tolkien.

[1:09:16] What if the movie

[1:09:16] was called Tolkien

[1:09:17] and it was an action

[1:09:18] movie with Liam Neeson

[1:09:19] as J.R.R. Tolkien?

[1:09:20] That would be pretty cool.

[1:09:20] Like C.S. Lewis

[1:09:21] gets kidnapped

[1:09:22] and Tolkien

[1:09:22] has to save him.

[1:09:23] Oh, I like it.

[1:09:24] In their special club,

[1:09:26] the Men Whose Names

[1:09:27] Are Just Initials Club.

[1:09:29] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:30] So that's

[1:09:31] the entirety

[1:09:32] of my recommendation.

[1:09:33] Okay, so who's next?

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:34] Is Elliot gonna just

[1:09:34] name a bunch more

[1:09:35] movie names?

[1:09:36] Probably.

[1:09:37] Do you want me to go next

[1:09:37] or do you want to go next?

[1:09:38] No, I can go next.

[1:09:39] I'm gonna recommend a movie

[1:09:40] that has been getting

[1:09:42] a lot of press lately

[1:09:43] and I think for great reason.

[1:09:46] You should go see

[1:09:47] It Follows.

[1:09:48] That's what I thought

[1:09:49] you were gonna recommend.

[1:09:49] I wanna see it.

[1:09:50] Because it's fucking scary.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:52] I haven't even

[1:09:53] Babadooked yet.

[1:09:54] I wanna see It Follows.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:55] It Follows is great.

[1:09:57] It's, I mean,

[1:09:58] I'm just parroting

[1:09:59] what everybody else

[1:10:00] is saying,

[1:10:00] but it's genuinely

[1:10:01] very scary.

[1:10:02] Cracker.

[1:10:04] Go see it in the theaters.

[1:10:05] The score is wonderful

[1:10:07] and it genuinely, like,

[1:10:10] will make you feel trapped

[1:10:12] in this terrifying world

[1:10:14] that the movie creates.

[1:10:15] So I don't wanna talk

[1:10:17] about the plot too much,

[1:10:18] but just go see it.

[1:10:19] It's scary.

[1:10:20] It's great.

[1:10:21] Sounds good.

[1:10:21] I wanna see it.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:23] I don't know why

[1:10:24] you're looking at me, Elliot.

[1:10:24] You're the only one

[1:10:25] who hasn't recommended a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:26] You're a handsome guy.

[1:10:27] Why not look at you?

[1:10:28] Thanks, bud.

[1:10:28] I wanna recommend

[1:10:29] two movies, real quick.

[1:10:30] One is a movie

[1:10:31] I think I've recommended before,

[1:10:32] but I feel like

[1:10:33] what we watched tonight

[1:10:34] is a failed movie

[1:10:35] that was a fantasy

[1:10:36] set in America's past.

[1:10:38] I'd like to recommend

[1:10:39] one of my favorite movies,

[1:10:40] which is a very successful,

[1:10:41] I feel, fantasy

[1:10:42] set in America's past,

[1:10:43] which is

[1:10:44] The Devil and Daniel Webster,

[1:10:45] directed by William Dieterle,

[1:10:47] and starring Edward Arnold

[1:10:48] and Walter Houston,

[1:10:49] Walter Houston being,

[1:10:50] I think,

[1:10:50] my favorite ever screen devil.

[1:10:52] He's never, like,

[1:10:54] cackly evil,

[1:10:55] but he comes off

[1:10:56] as so sinister,

[1:10:57] but yet charming,

[1:10:58] and at the end

[1:10:58] he steals a pie,

[1:11:00] and it's, like,

[1:11:00] it's the kind of, like,

[1:11:02] corn-pone devil

[1:11:03] of America

[1:11:04] that is pretty sophisticated,

[1:11:05] but he still steals a pie

[1:11:06] at one point.

[1:11:08] It's well worth it,

[1:11:09] it's available on the

[1:11:10] Criterion Collection DVD

[1:11:11] or whatever,

[1:11:11] so go Netflix it,

[1:11:13] The Devil and Daniel Webster,

[1:11:15] it's like,

[1:11:15] it's a movie about

[1:11:16] American history

[1:11:16] and kind of

[1:11:18] creepy ghost stories,

[1:11:19] and there's some

[1:11:20] funny stuff in it,

[1:11:20] so it's like they decided

[1:11:21] to make a movie for me

[1:11:22] like 40 years

[1:11:24] before I was born.

[1:11:25] The other movie,

Dan McCoy

[1:11:26] It's like the Burger King

[1:11:26] kids club,

[1:11:27] it's for you.

[1:11:28] Yeah, exactly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:30] Which kid am I?

[1:11:31] Am I the nerd

[1:11:31] or the kid in a wheelchair

[1:11:32] in the Burger King

[1:11:33] kids club?

[1:11:34] I'm not the girl.

[1:11:35] You're the chubby one.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:36] Oh, man,

[1:11:37] they're all chubby,

[1:11:37] it's Burger King.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:40] Is the kid in the wheelchair

[1:11:41] named Wheels?

[1:11:42] Probably.

[1:11:42] I remember the nerd

[1:11:43] was named IQ.

[1:11:44] That's his given name.

[1:11:45] His name is Wheels

[1:11:47] Wheelingsworth.

[1:11:49] Of the Wheelingsworth fortune?

[1:11:50] The third,

[1:11:51] my good man.

[1:11:53] The other movie

[1:11:53] I want to recommend

[1:11:54] is last episode

[1:11:55] I recommended

[1:11:55] a Yugoslavian movie

[1:11:57] by Dushan Makavej,

[1:12:00] I don't know how

[1:12:01] to pronounce it.

[1:12:01] Perfect.

[1:12:02] Called,

[1:12:03] that was called

[1:12:04] Man is Not a Bird.

[1:12:05] I actually watched

[1:12:07] I'm going to recommend

[1:12:08] Man is Bird.

[1:12:09] The rebuttal

[1:12:10] from Birdman.

[1:12:12] I want to recommend

[1:12:13] another movie

[1:12:14] that he made

[1:12:14] that I saw recently

[1:12:15] that I liked

[1:12:16] called Love Affair

[1:12:17] or The Case of the Missing

[1:12:18] Switchboard Operator

[1:12:19] which is,

[1:12:21] it's about

[1:12:22] a man and a woman

[1:12:24] meeting and falling in love

[1:12:26] and starting to build

[1:12:27] a life together

[1:12:27] until something

[1:12:28] terrible happens.

[1:12:30] But also,

[1:12:30] we know from the beginning

[1:12:31] that this woman

[1:12:32] is going to end up dead

[1:12:34] and so we're kind of

[1:12:36] wondering what's going to

[1:12:37] happen to her the whole time

[1:12:38] but the movie is less about

[1:12:39] any sort of suspense

[1:12:41] than that

[1:12:41] and more about

[1:12:42] the moments

[1:12:42] these two people share

[1:12:43] under the,

[1:12:45] living under the strictures

[1:12:46] of a communist government

[1:12:47] but also with us

[1:12:48] knowing that things

[1:12:49] are going to end badly

[1:12:50] and I kind of got from it

[1:12:52] a thing about how fleeting

[1:12:54] those moments are.

[1:12:56] You know,

[1:12:56] we all know death

[1:12:57] waits at the end of them

[1:12:58] and there's a lot,

[1:12:59] Daniel liked it

[1:13:00] because there's a fair amount

[1:13:01] of nudity in it

[1:13:01] with a very pretty woman.

[1:13:02] Sure.

[1:13:03] But since we've already

[1:13:04] seen her be

[1:13:05] autopsied

[1:13:06] earlier in the movie,

[1:13:07] there's something about it

[1:13:09] where the whole time

[1:13:09] you just,

[1:13:10] each time you see her

[1:13:11] she's beautiful

[1:13:12] but it reminds you

[1:13:13] how fragile she is.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:16] Does the director

[1:13:17] cut between shots

[1:13:18] of her alive

[1:13:19] and on the slab

[1:13:20] to remind you

[1:13:21] that she's going to die?

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:22] No, he does not

[1:13:23] because it is not

[1:13:23] a stupid movie.

[1:13:25] But there's some

[1:13:27] funny stuff in it

[1:13:28] but it's also

[1:13:28] a sad movie

[1:13:30] and it's just

[1:13:31] really interestingly

[1:13:32] put together

[1:13:33] and I liked it a lot.

[1:13:34] So,

[1:13:34] The Devil and Daniel Webster

[1:13:35] if you're looking for

[1:13:36] a fantasy with a happy ending,

[1:13:38] Love Affair

[1:13:38] or The Case of the Missing

[1:13:39] Switchboard Operator

[1:13:40] if you're looking for

[1:13:41] more of an everyday

[1:13:42] realism movie

[1:13:43] that does not have

[1:13:44] a happy ending.

[1:13:45] Well guys,

[1:13:47] that's it.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:49] This winner's tale

[1:13:50] has come to an end.

[1:13:51] Close up your book.

[1:13:53] Happily.

[1:13:54] Tie up.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:55] I wish this winter

[1:13:56] would come to an end.

[1:13:57] It's technically spring

[1:13:58] and it's still freezing out.

[1:14:00] So, Dan,

[1:14:01] what did we learn

[1:14:01] from this winter's tale?

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:03] Not to listen to people

[1:14:04] that suggest we watch movies

[1:14:05] on the internet.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:06] Yeah, thanks to everybody

[1:14:07] who suggested we watch

[1:14:08] this piece of junk.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:10] Yeah, forget all that we said

[1:14:11] about appreciating

[1:14:12] our listeners

[1:14:12] for donating to us

[1:14:14] because like six people said

[1:14:15] watch winter's tale

[1:14:16] and we listened to them

[1:14:17] and it was a torturous evening.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:20] But you stayed awake.

[1:14:21] Dan stayed awake

[1:14:22] but at one point

[1:14:23] he was literally

[1:14:23] hunching himself

[1:14:25] on the forehead

[1:14:25] I guess hoping

[1:14:26] to knock himself out.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:28] I just wanted to feel

[1:14:29] something at that point, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:31] You were feeling something.

[1:14:32] Boredom.

[1:14:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:14:33] But thank you

[1:14:34] for joining us

[1:14:35] here on the Flophouse

[1:14:37] and signing off

[1:14:39] until next time.

[1:14:40] Yeah.

[1:14:40] I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:14:41] That's been Elliot Kalin.

[1:14:43] And over there

[1:14:44] is Stuart Wellington

[1:14:44] saying thanks

[1:14:45] to the pledgers.

[1:14:46] Good night, everyone.

[1:14:49] Winter.

[1:14:49] A-pow.

[1:14:54] Well,

[1:14:55] when you got

[1:14:55] chops like this

[1:14:56] you don't even need

[1:14:57] to try anymore.

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:58] That's the first try.

[1:14:59] Slammed it out of the park.

[1:15:01] Slam.

[1:15:02] Don't say slam and salmon.

[1:15:04] That's what you want to say.

Dan McCoy

[1:15:05] Super slam jam.

[1:15:06] Slam dunk grand slam.

[1:15:09] Moon over my hammy.

[1:15:11] Touchdown.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:13] Extra points.

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:16] And David says

[1:15:18] this isn't a sports podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:20] Last night

[1:15:21] David texted me

[1:15:22] in all capital letters

[1:15:23] Bob McKenzie

[1:15:24] was at the show

[1:15:25] last night

[1:15:26] and I texted back to him

[1:15:27] I do not know

[1:15:28] who that is.

S5

[1:15:31] Hey folks

[1:15:32] this is Kevin Allison.

[1:15:33] If you love

[1:15:34] Maximum Fun Podcast

[1:15:36] but you don't yet

[1:15:37] know about Risk

[1:15:38] you don't know

[1:15:39] what you're missing.

[1:15:40] Check us out.

[1:15:41] Risk is the show

[1:15:42] where people tell

[1:15:43] true stories

[1:15:44] they never thought

[1:15:45] they'd dare to share

[1:15:46] in public.

[1:15:47] So it's kind of like

[1:15:48] This American Life

[1:15:49] or The Moth

[1:15:50] but way

[1:15:51] way more uncensored.

[1:15:53] On Risk

[1:15:54] we say nothing

[1:15:54] is inappropriate

[1:15:55] until something is.

[1:15:57] Every episode

[1:15:58] is an emotional

[1:16:00] rollercoaster.

[1:16:01] Hilarious stories

[1:16:02] shocking stories

[1:16:04] horrifying stories

[1:16:05] heartbreaking stories

[1:16:07] tear jerking stories.

[1:16:09] Risk is just

[1:16:10] jam packed

[1:16:11] with stories

[1:16:12] you'll never forget

[1:16:13] many from people

[1:16:14] you already know

[1:16:15] and love.

[1:16:16] So find us

[1:16:17] at iTunes

[1:16:17] or at

[1:16:18] risk-show.com

[1:16:20] or of course

[1:16:21] at

[1:16:22] maximumfun.org

[1:16:24] Risk!

Ep. #175 - Winter's Tale

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