Ep. #176 - The Boy Next Door

[0:00] On this episode of The Flophouse, guess who lives next door?

[0:04] Some sort of boy?

[0:07] And a milf.

[0:08] To each other.

[0:10] In the boy next door to the milf.

[0:13] Thanks, guys.

[0:30] Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:45] What's up, Dan McCoy? I'm Stuart Wellington.

[0:47] Hey guys, I'm Elliot Kalin, and I'm feeling pretty sleepy, so watch out.

[0:52] All of us are here and tired.

[0:53] If we were one of the seven dwarves, we'd be...

[0:57] Doc.

[0:59] What?

[1:00] surprise surprise he was an

[1:02] narcoleptic sleepy actually had

[1:05] medication that he took to keep

[1:06] himself awake and he was the only

[1:08] one who was actually a doctor

[1:09] weird huh strange strange Iceland

[1:11] scenario yep sleepy was the

[1:13] doctor and doc was the sleepy guy

[1:15] meanwhile dopey was pretty grumpy

[1:17] and grumpy kind of a dope

[1:18] friendship bear not that friendly

[1:22] wait Ellaroo was an elephant and a

[1:25] kangaroo what's that all about

[1:27] what's that a wuzzle yeah wuzzle

[1:29] And Friendship Bear was

[1:32] Was that

[1:34] What that serial killer

[1:35] Half wolf half muzzle

[1:37] Muzzle

[1:40] Half

[1:42] Wolfgang Peterson

[1:43] Half guzzle

[1:45] Yeah

[1:48] So tonight

[1:49] What do we do on this podcast Dan

[1:52] Hold on

[1:53] Rerack

[1:54] Let's rewind that

[1:56] this is a show where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it

[2:02] like three friends squawking in your ears yep or three chickens clucking a yard around the

[2:10] farmyard that movie that they watched yeah they snuck into because they're chickens they didn't

[2:14] pay because they're chickens well they tried to pay but the theater wouldn't take kernels of corn

[2:19] yeah that is uh gonzo's favorite movie theater to go to because it's full of chicks and loves

[2:26] chickens he loves chickens he has whatever one has chickens yeah because he has sex with them

[2:30] yeah i like that you asked me almost like i had a hot inside tip like i'm the guy from tmz telling

[2:38] you where to find gonzo in a movie yeah i got exclusive footage of gonzo on a date at the movies

[2:45] Parker Bowles

[2:48] the chicken version

[2:52] so for those of you

[2:55] listening at home my character

[2:57] is wearing jeans

[2:58] my hair is

[3:01] tussled

[3:01] handsomely

[3:04] I'm smiling

[3:05] but he does

[3:09] take a look at it Dan

[3:11] I'm wearing a hoodie

[3:13] all right uh now smells like popcorn if i could describe my character uh from the waist down it's

[3:18] all tentacles from the waist up it's like that tree monster from that old saturday morning cartoon

[3:25] where it was the people fighting the monsters yeah no no it's not groot it was like the humanoid

[3:30] sub-humanoids or something like that and uh my head looks like george clooney in his prime

[3:36] except all of my hair is worms and if i could describe myself i'm handsomer and cooler than

[3:43] you assholes think but in your head i'm gonna be some boring blind guy and in front of me where my

[3:48] eyes see you oh boy you just got lumped into asshole territory yeah uncharted everybody but

[3:56] and it just says on the map a big blank area labeled here be assholes

[4:02] um so so that picture fresh in your mind yeah imagine us watching a movie and what movie did

[4:10] we watch which we will now talk about daniel we watched the boy next door we watched the boy next

[4:15] door yeah like we know we were babysitting like jennifer lopez did in the movie the boy next door

[4:24] oh starring jennifer lopez yeah jlo playing yep j-e-l-l-o

[4:30] it's just not dessert without j-lo the gelatin treat that was also in the movie

[4:38] geely aka jello jello is pretty jiggly j-lo is jello in j-lo you can never have enough

[4:49] j-lo there's always room for j-lo j-lo was out of sight u-turn i forgot she was in u-turn

[4:58] so

[5:00] the boy next door

[5:02] what about it well Dan

[5:03] erotic thriller

[5:05] thinking of erotic thrillers

[5:09] that's not where I was going

[5:10] consequence

[5:11] Night Eyes 4

[5:16] strip to kill

[5:19] animal instincts

[5:21] sexual response

[5:22] sexual response

[5:26] erotic thriller it's called boobs half in shadow it's called strip kill for revenge of the strip

[5:36] killer it's called deadly intentions it's called a woman who changes her underwear in front of an

[5:40] open window the movie it's called thong stab thong stab something that a caveman yells at you

[5:49] as when he lunges

[5:50] with his obsidian axe.

[5:51] So I was not going to say

[5:54] erotic thriller before.

[5:56] Although it was

[5:58] my favorite genre of movie

[5:59] when I was 13

[6:00] when I learned the code

[6:02] in the TV guide

[6:02] which is if the movie's listed

[6:04] as having nudity

[6:05] that's a waste of your time.

[6:06] But if it's listed

[6:07] as having sexual situations

[6:08] there's going to be

[6:10] a lot of nudity in that.

[6:11] And if it stars

[6:12] one of the two Shannons

[6:13] Worry or Tweed

[6:14] then you are off

[6:15] to the races my friend.

[6:16] If it has the words

[6:17] indecent instinct animal obsession or private basic personal or erotic then you're in the title

[6:27] then you're doing okay so that's that's a recipe for an hour to an hour and a half of you watching

[6:32] this movie in the dark checking over your shoulder to make sure nobody comes in through the door

[6:36] exactly make sure my parents are not sitting standing there down the basement

[6:40] You have only a giant cake that says, first jack off.

[6:43] With a penis-shaped candle.

[6:47] What a weird civilization this would be if we celebrated a boy's first masturbating with a penis-shaped cake.

[6:57] Today, you are not a man, but you are on your way to having a misunderstanding of what it's like to be a man.

[7:03] That's the world I want to live in.

[7:05] Well, be the change you want to be, Dan.

[7:07] Do you want to see, Dan?

[7:10] I don't have any shoulder of my own.

[7:11] I feel like if I had a kid.

[7:12] Yeah, there's a reason for that.

[7:13] If I had a random kid, it would be even better.

[7:15] You just walk up to a 13-year-old and you're like, you look like you're jerking it.

[7:19] Here, take this cake.

[7:20] Some boy next door.

[7:21] Speaking of the boy next door, it is a three-peat return for the director of the movie, Rob Cohen,

[7:26] who has previously directed two other Flophouse movies, Stealth, the first ever Flophouse movie.

[7:31] The first ever Flophouse movie.

[7:32] The movie that was so great, we had to create this great Flophast that goes on forever

[7:39] and it's the rest of my life, I suppose.

[7:40] And also Alex Cross, starring Tyler Perry

[7:43] as Alex Cross in Alex Cross.

[7:46] Don't count Alex Cross out of this one.

[7:49] Cross him off the list of Alexes.

[7:52] Yeah, I'm going to cross.

[7:56] So, Dan and Stuart,

[7:59] was it clear from the way this movie was made

[8:00] that it was from the producer of Monster Squad?

[8:03] Oh, yeah.

[8:04] There was a lot of...

[8:07] yeah being in a house in the suburbs fair okay like the monster squad yep that's exactly there

[8:16] was less dracula on a scale of zero to dracula it gets a zero yeah should we talk about what

[8:24] this movie's about i do remember monster squad features a great scene of guys peeping on a girl

[8:29] and this show kind of this this movie kind of does that it had some peeping yeah but it was

[8:34] it was a lady peeping on a man for once kind of a once am i right guys turn it around

[8:39] i can't tell ladies can peep too i can't tell if you're being a feminist if you're being feminist

[8:48] or you're telling all the ladies out there they should be peeping at you because you you're a

[8:53] piece of meat too damn it yeah come on yep is that why when you want to buy chopped liver yeah

[8:58] when you go to the beach to show off your good gander when you go to the beach to show off your

[9:02] body you put on some mirror shades so people so women have their gaze reflected back at them

[9:06] and they're turned to stone is he at medusa beach what is not a great beach that was a really good

[9:15] 1980s greek sex comedy yeah she had a bikini and all her snakes had swim caps on them speaking of

[9:22] greek sex comedies uh yeah they mentioned the iliad in this and the star of uh my big fat greek

[9:28] weddings in this too uh and now i kind of want to see him the guy the guy from oh yeah john corbett

[9:35] wasn't he in wasn't he in the fat wedding movie yeah the greek wedding he was in the sex and city

[9:40] and it was in the northern exposure but he doesn't even have the starring role in this i don't know

[9:44] we're talking about him although i do want to see a movie now called uh called bikini bikini iliad

[9:50] or it's just like the iliad but it's kind of like a bikini comedy here's another tip for the 13 year

[9:56] olds watching listening to this podcast and then going to watch hbo in the year 1995 if it's got

[10:01] bikini in the title also a good bet yeah you'll see it on hbo with the nudity and on usa up all

[10:07] night without the nudity and you know what in some ways it's gonna be more fun on usa up all night

[10:11] and you might see the word school in that title and you'd think ugh school that sucks but there's

[10:16] a decent chance that school is going to feature nudity because the only things every the only

[10:23] thing these students are learning about is boobs and they're all getting double d's particularly

[10:27] if it's a bikini school or it's virgin academy or virgin academy i think that was the name of

[10:35] an actual movie i'm not familiar with that one you know i mean like you know an actual movie

[10:41] accredited let me uh from the movie guild let me clue you into dramatic irony uh a lot of people

[10:48] of virgin academy not virgins is that dramatic irony uh it sounds like a mistitled film you know

[10:55] i mean it's just you know that's the twist sure yeah they're looking to that's the big twist

[11:01] big reveal the uh the virgin academy yeah is that they're not virgins

[11:05] uh anyway let's talk about what happened in the boy next door the movie we watched i had

[11:11] lost my maidenhead all along they say anyway go on a little overly they've been focusing too much

[11:19] on drama class no no they they shout it to the heavens uh the movie is the story of one claire

[11:25] peterson played by jennifer lopez or jlo as she's also known uh she is an english teacher who teaches

[11:32] specifically the classics as she says over and over again and she is well the greek classics

[11:39] oh it's like what like the iliad and the odyssey okay and i guess like the the greats of greek

[11:45] theater maybe maybe uh well that's roman isn't it i don't know oh no no i'm thinking of something

[11:52] else i'm sorry they know that or stay as greek i think yeah because it's the story of orestes

[11:55] orestes development this is the story of a family in ancient greece made of warriors and they all

[12:03] end up killing each other this is orestes development but um george michael orestes

[12:08] He's walked into work one day with a problem.

[12:10] That's pretty good.

[12:12] Anyway, so you're right.

[12:15] I think the Orestai would be in there.

[12:16] And probably Roman classics, too.

[12:17] She teaches the Aeneid.

[12:20] I just couldn't do it.

[12:20] Lysistrata.

[12:23] Sure.

[12:24] The Frogs.

[12:26] These are all also ancient texts.

[12:29] Yeah, I got it.

[12:30] I got it, guys.

[12:31] Yeah.

[12:31] All right, keep going.

[12:33] Keep coming up with more examples in your head, but don't say them out loud.

[12:35] Like Claire Peterson.

[12:38] She's separated from her husband, Garrett, because he had an affair.

[12:41] Garrett Morris?

[12:42] No.

[12:43] It seems like such a straight shooter, right?

[12:46] Well, no, he wasn't.

[12:47] He had serious drug problems.

[12:49] And her best friend is the vice principal of the school, Vicky, played by Christian Chenoweth, who does not sing in this movie.

[12:56] And she has a son.

[12:57] Well, and all this is told to us in about three and a half minutes at the beginning of the movie.

[13:02] So I was like, this movie is moving pretty fast.

[13:04] It was shot in a variety of locations, including a barn with a giant engine block suspended up in the air.

[13:09] Yeah, it felt like we were watching – I wouldn't have been surprised if I voiced it previously on The Boy Next Door and then just showed us all these scenes.

[13:16] But then the movie bogs down hard with the introduction of Noah Sandborn, who is the titular Boy Next Door, who's –

[13:25] Speaking of hard bogs.

[13:26] Yes, that guy is ripped with bogs.

[13:31] Bog is the hardest.

[13:33] I'm going to say the first bog is the hardest, like the song says.

[13:37] Well, he's covered in muscle lumps.

[13:40] Yeah, muscle lumps.

[13:42] It's like the worst cartoon character for kids.

[13:45] It's some kind of super buff cat.

[13:49] Some kind of protein breakfast cereal.

[13:51] Called muscle lumps.

[13:54] Are your kids not jacked enough?

[13:58] Try muscle lumps.

[13:59] It all goes back to jacking around here.

[14:03] I meant jacked, like, anyway, forget it.

[14:05] So Noah lives next door with his uncle, granddad.

[14:10] He lives with an old man played by the police chief from Eagle Heart,

[14:13] who, as we first see, in a motorized wheelchair, which is always moving forward,

[14:17] even when it seems like there is no more room for him to continue moving forward.

[14:21] Yeah, there's like, he's moving forward, then there's a cut,

[14:23] and he seems to have jumped backwards when he moves forward over the same distance.

[14:27] It's a continuity error that would have been hilarious if they just kept going with it.

[14:31] That's to indicate that the viewer has taken a step back cautiously.

[14:35] Now, Noah enters the picture in dramatic fashion.

[14:39] There's a problem with the garage door opener, and Jennifer Lopez decides she's going to go with the great strategy of,

[14:46] allow me to stand under the garage door and push it up while you, my 15-year-old son, who is by all accounts a total noodle, will just pull a rope that pulls it up.

[14:56] Yeah.

[14:56] I've seen enough Final Destination movies to know that is a terrible setup.

[15:01] Oh, she's getting crushed to death.

[15:03] She's getting chopped in half cleanly.

[15:05] Like, I had a garage door of this type growing up, and Jennifer Lopez would not have been crushed beneath the garage door had the guy not come in.

[15:18] Well, the movie seeks to tell us differently, Dan, because she seems to be in deadly danger until Noah comes in and, with his super buff muscle lumps, pushes the door up, thus saving her life.

[15:30] So I guess the movie –

[15:32] I guess the movie proved me wrong.

[15:33] Yeah, you owe the movie an apology.

[15:35] I'm sorry, the boy next door.

[15:36] Noah is somewhere – I couldn't – was he like 19 years old or something?

[15:41] He said just shy of 20.

[15:42] They put that – they threw that in as early as possible.

[15:45] Yeah, but he's also on back to high school because he was in an accident of some kind.

[15:49] And he becomes close to Claire and her son Kevin.

[15:55] He talks about how much he loves the Iliad and starts talking about how much – how important Achilles is to him as a character because he feels his feelings without letting anything get in the way of them.

[16:06] Meanwhile, Garrett, the dad, comes back and takes Kevin on a camping trip, but J-Lo is a no-go for this camp.

[16:16] Pogo?

[16:17] I don't –

[16:18] Oh, yeah, sure.

[16:19] Sorry, I just – you seemed like you needed a rhyme.

[16:21] No, I appreciate it.

[16:22] And all – this happens all –

[16:23] She's still suspicious that her husband has other women on the side.

[16:28] Her husband had a woman on the side in San Francisco.

[16:30] And when he tells her he has a business trip in San Francisco, oh, boy, is she not happy.

[16:35] And her friend Vicky keeps telling her, hey, he's bad news.

[16:40] Kick him to the curb, girlfriend.

[16:41] He's going up there to fuck Catraz.

[16:44] You know what I'm saying?

[16:45] Yep, that's what it is.

[16:47] I know exactly what you're saying.

[16:49] Some sort of sex prison.

[16:53] Again, a title, if you saw it in the TV Guide, set up a tape.

[16:57] He's going to go to the hate fuckberry district.

[17:00] Not even hate assberry?

[17:03] Okay, yeah.

[17:04] I don't know what assberry sounds like.

[17:07] What, like poop?

[17:08] I don't care for what that sounds like.

[17:10] Okay, then, well, what about the...

[17:14] I'm recovering from a cold, listeners.

[17:16] Let's just go with the astro district.

[17:18] How about that?

[17:19] Sure.

[17:20] Instead of Castro.

[17:20] Mm-hmm, sure.

[17:23] I mean, it makes it sound like space, but...

[17:25] Oh, God.

[17:26] Okay, he's having space sex with his mistress.

[17:29] His mistress who, according to an email, smells like cookies.

[17:34] That matters because cookies is regularly referred to as a euphemism.

[17:41] This movie is under the mistaken assumption that people find cookies unbearably erotic.

[17:45] That there is no more erotic food or object than a chocolate chip cookie.

[17:50] Now, I love chocolate chip cookies.

[17:51] I'll just say it.

[17:53] I'm not proud.

[17:54] I'll eat them all the time.

[17:55] There's never a sexual element to it, you know?

[17:58] I'm not putting on airs here.

[17:59] I'll eat a Chips Ahoy just like your average Joe six-pack.

[18:03] Working down a...

[18:04] You move your penis all over a Chips Ahoy like no man.

[18:07] This is where the misconception comes in.

[18:09] My dealings with a Chips Ahoy are entirely a mouth-stomach-anus-based relationship.

[18:15] And the anus is purely for the release of whatever waste of the cookie I don't want.

[18:20] It's not for gratification.

[18:21] Not at all.

[18:22] There's no sexual aspect whatsoever.

[18:23] Yeah, whatever nutrients your body doesn't use out of a chocolate chip cookie.

[18:27] Just expel them.

[18:28] That's what I say.

[18:29] Why hold on to them?

[18:30] Why be a cookie miser?

[18:31] Just get rid of them, you know?

[18:32] Yeah, squirt it out into some kind of like an owl pellet sort of thing.

[18:35] Just put it, yeah, get it out in an owl pellet.

[18:37] I mean, owls regurgitate their pellets, so that's a little different.

[18:40] And then just like bury it in the garden for fertilizer, you know?

[18:44] And you get a cookie tree.

[18:45] That's how it works, right?

[18:46] Yeah.

[18:47] Yep.

[18:48] Perhaps I've said too much.

[18:51] There's no sexual element to cookies.

[18:53] But anyway, but this movie thinks there is.

[18:54] So she – this all happens in one night that Claire, while getting dressed I guess, sees – and by this point, Noah has – the boy next door has already been a little saucy with her.

[19:07] But in an innocent, boy's just trying to flatter the lady kind of way.

[19:11] And he has also as –

[19:14] Tell her how sexy she is.

[19:15] Yeah, and I think by this point he has also done the famous moment that was on the internets everywhere of giving her a first edition of the Iliad as a gift.

[19:24] Now, here's what may surprise you about it.

[19:27] The first edition is a hardcover book, not a scroll, and is in English and not ancient Greek.

[19:32] Yeah, I mean, like, we don't, I mean, like, is it a first edition of a certain translation?

[19:36] It could be of a certain printing.

[19:37] We don't know.

[19:38] It is clearly stupid law.

[19:40] You know, imagine if it was, like, the first edition of the, like, if it was the Fagles translation, that would make sense,

[19:44] Because that's probably what they're teaching in that class.

[19:47] Or the Squaggles translation.

[19:48] Who's that?

[19:49] It's a bagel, but it's square.

[19:51] And it translated the Iliad.

[19:53] But it's not as dumb as the internet makes it seem, but it's pretty dumb.

[19:58] Yeah.

[19:59] Even if she just put in like a first edition of the da-da-da printing or a first edition of the da-da-da translation.

[20:05] But instead she just says first edition and you're left to think, is the movie so dumb that it thinks this is a first edition of the Iliad?

[20:12] Homer published it through like, you know, like Random House.

[20:15] Or does it think I'm so dumb that this is a first edition?

[20:19] Now, is the movie trying to tell us that it's crazy that a teenager is into the Iliad or that like a hunky teenager is into the Iliad?

[20:27] Because like, I was way into that Greek myth bullshit when I was like a kid.

[20:32] Yeah, me too.

[20:32] It's all monsters.

[20:34] Yeah, way before I was a hunk.

[20:36] Back when you were a chunk.

[20:36] I refer to it as my larval stage.

[20:42] That's the name of your new bio, From Chunk to Hunk, with a pit stop at Lunk.

[20:48] I think Chris Pratt's already taken it.

[20:51] But what happens in one night is, one, Claire is trying on shoes and accidentally is in her pajamas.

[21:01] So I thought she was going to bed, and she peeps through the window and sees Noah taking off his clothes and catches sight of his butt.

[21:09] Yeah, this is where the female gaze I was talking about comes into play.

[21:12] There's a lot more of...

[21:13] She totally takes a peep at his taut, taut ass.

[21:17] She becomes the...

[21:20] Taut ass.

[21:20] I don't like it.

[21:21] And he becomes the object for her gaze, except that then he turns it around because he knows she's seen him and he likes it.

[21:30] Cut to, she's walking to a double date with her friend Vicky, and we were like, is this the same night?

[21:36] Friend co-worker.

[21:37] Friend slash co-worker.

[21:38] Splash, she's who's superior at work, I assume, if she's a teacher and Vicky's the vice principal.

[21:42] They're at a Japanese restaurant or something?

[21:44] They're at a Japanese restaurant where they're eating soup even though they haven't ordered yet.

[21:47] That's a fancy place.

[21:48] Yeah.

[21:48] Or it's unfancy and they just sat down at a table that hadn't been cleared yet and started eating the soup that was already there.

[21:54] They had a double date and the guy she's being matched up with is a total jerk.

[22:00] Doesn't believe the classics are worthwhile and leers at a waitress's boobs when he's on a date with J-Lo.

[22:08] Maybe he was just so hungry

[22:09] because they haven't ordered yet

[22:11] and he's trying to get that waitress' attention.

[22:12] To eat the food.

[22:14] It's like, oh man, looks like two giant dumplings.

[22:18] Could really go for that right now.

[22:20] Yeah, two giant dumplings.

[22:22] Cookies, it's all food stuff around here.

[22:24] It's all foods.

[22:25] So she storms out of the date and goes home.

[22:28] He's having a glass of wine when Noah calls and says,

[22:31] hey, I tried to cook a chicken.

[22:32] It didn't work out.

[22:34] Come over and cook this chicken with me.

[22:36] That's what women love.

[22:38] That's the come on that women love.

[22:40] Hey, cook for me.

[22:41] Let's fix this.

[22:42] Come over to my house in the rain and cook for me.

[22:45] Yeah, like an entire bird.

[22:47] That's not a short cooking process.

[22:49] No, but he's not a short man.

[22:52] It's not like they're going to spatchcock it.

[22:54] It takes a while.

[22:55] Yeah.

[22:55] It's not a hard cooking process.

[22:57] I'll say this.

[22:57] No, that's not what I was saying.

[22:58] You roast a chicken, you just basically toss it in the oven.

[23:01] Toss it in your Kenny Rogers roaster and it pops out.

[23:04] I mean, Kenny Rogers roasters was a, the roaster was the chicken.

[23:08] Wait, he didn't patent the technology?

[23:10] No, because they were just using ovens and, like, rotisseries.

[23:15] So what's he been spending all his money on?

[23:17] Chickens and not technology?

[23:19] He's a gambler.

[23:21] It's true.

[23:22] He said, I'll patent the chicken.

[23:24] And unfortunately, millions of dollars in litigation later,

[23:27] he found you couldn't patent chickens because they predate human civilization.

[23:31] Yeah.

[23:32] And Gaza came in, and he was like,

[23:35] That's my wife!

[23:36] You killed my wife!

[23:38] Oh, but then they worked things out.

[23:39] Kenny Rogers became, would just, would arrange for Gonzo to have intimate affairs with different chickens.

[23:46] So did we already miss...

[23:47] That's right.

[23:47] Kenny Rogers is a Muppet chicken pimp.

[23:50] So you take that to the bank.

[23:54] I don't know what, and the bank will say, sir, this is not money.

[23:57] This is some kind of dumb joke.

[23:59] For goods or services.

[24:02] This ludicrous situation is not currency, nor is it legal tender backed by any government,

[24:07] let alone gold, a precious metal.

[24:10] He'd be like, but can I just get one of those suckers?

[24:15] Sure, sir.

[24:17] They're free for everyone.

[24:18] Suckers.

[24:19] Are you, I know you're from Illinois.

[24:20] Did you grow up in like the 50s?

[24:23] I don't know.

[24:24] What do you want, a lollipop?

[24:26] Yeah.

[24:27] Let's call it by its name, lollipop.

[24:29] A sucker.

[24:31] So at this point, she's already.

[24:34] A sucker is born every minute.

[24:35] If you only made one lollipop a minute, your business would go out of business.

[24:38] That fact, the factory output is way too low.

[24:40] Yeah.

[24:41] But you're charging $20 for one of these suckers.

[24:45] Oh, yeah.

[24:45] They're really good.

[24:46] They're like Chupa Chups times 10.

[24:49] And when you bite them, there's a Tootsie Roll inside.

[24:51] Oh, no kidding.

[24:52] So at this point in the movie, she's already thought about the young man and even, like, picked up a half-eaten cookie and sniffed it and then put it back down.

[25:03] Hoping that there was a trace of him on it.

[25:05] So he calls her over to help him cook a chicken.

[25:09] They do.

[25:09] They eat it.

[25:10] And he starts flattering the hell out of her.

[25:14] Yeah.

[25:14] Things go a little too far.

[25:16] It's called a full court press.

[25:17] And that he presses himself against her while pressing her against a door jam.

[25:22] And they're door jamming.

[25:25] And she keeps saying, no, no, we can't do this.

[25:29] It's wrong.

[25:29] But his lips and his hands quickly have her out of her clothes and just in her underpants.

[25:34] And then he shows that even if he is pushing the boundaries, because she said no, and that's when a man should stop, that he is a very generous rapist in that he uses both his hands and mouth to pleasure her before he is pleasured.

[25:46] Like a classic high school kid.

[25:48] Just like any 19-year-old man, he makes sure to give the girl he's with, I assume, two orgasms before they get to the sex.

[25:56] Probably, yeah, like six before they get to the sex.

[25:59] Yeah.

[25:59] She was begging him, please, no more.

[26:01] We've had enough.

[26:03] That's okay.

[26:03] But no, he just kept going.

[26:05] Yeah.

[26:05] They call him O-Man.

[26:08] What?

[26:09] He's a superhero with the power to be a generous lover.

[26:12] Okay.

[26:12] So she wakes up in his house, and she is not happy about it.

[26:17] And he's like, hey, what's the problem?

[26:20] She's drunk on chicken.

[26:21] And coffee.

[26:22] He brings her coffee in his underpants, and she's like, no, I have to go.

[26:26] And he gets super mad and punches a wall.

[26:29] I mean, I'll be honest.

[26:29] I'm going to tell the point.

[26:30] He's being pretty nice.

[26:32] That's true.

[26:32] I mean, he did kind of pressure her.

[26:35] He seduced her.

[26:36] But then he brings her coffee the next morning.

[26:37] And so you're saying it's her fault is what you're saying.

[26:40] No, I'm not saying it's her fault.

[26:41] I'm just saying, like, I agree with Stuart that, like, the movie has her freaking out about it, like, earlier than his behavior would warrant the, like, total freak out.

[26:53] I know that he's, like, a young guy, but, like, he looks so much older than he's supposed to be in the movie.

[26:59] legally an adult if he's if he's almost 20 like he said he's actually a five-year-old

[27:07] but he ages four times too fast uh i mean he totally turns out to be a total creepazoid

[27:13] more than creepazoid he turns out to be a sociopath or psychopath he doesn't but so but

[27:18] she's like oh i uh oh uh and he's like hey what's the matter but she runs off and uh

[27:26] uptown the best coffee this is i hand ground this from the beans you know where these beans came

[27:35] from a civets small intestine that's right these are civet coffee beans cat shit coffee yeah i

[27:42] drank a beer made out of that one time how was it it was pretty good could you really take got me

[27:46] drunk okay mission accomplished then i feel like that isn't that's the lowest threshold for any

[27:53] alcoholic beverage i've i've heard that uh the popularity of cat shit coffee is uh it's driving

[28:00] up the cost of cat poo well no it's actually it's like uh it's fucking up the quality of that

[28:05] ingredient because those those like weird weasels or whatever called civets yeah those civets uh

[28:12] the coffee was good because they would pick the best berries or whatever to eat but now they're

[28:17] just being like force-fed whatever berries just being fed like lucky charms yes and they're

[28:22] shitting out delicious coffee.

[28:24] You pull on their tail

[28:26] and coffee squirts out.

[28:27] It's how it works.

[28:31] Cut out the middle man. Just drink the poop.

[28:33] Okay, so

[28:39] things go from bad

[28:42] to worse when Noah

[28:44] joins Claire's class after

[28:46] hacking into her computer and

[28:48] forging an email requesting

[28:50] that he be moved to the class.

[28:52] But he comes in super enthusiastic about the subject.

[28:55] He's quoting stuff from the Iliad, I assume.

[28:58] I don't really remember the Iliad text that well.

[29:01] But he should be like the best student in the class.

[29:04] If anything, he deserves to be rewarded with sex from the teacher for knowing the material before he gets to class.

[29:10] He also is in the gym helping her son Kevin box.

[29:14] Now, at this point, he's gotten really good with her son Kevin.

[29:17] He's taught him how to change the alternator on a truck.

[29:21] He took him to a hardware store and helped him get in good with the girl that he has a crush on.

[29:26] The prettiest girl in school, Kevin says.

[29:28] So here he is his, like, boxing coach in the gym.

[29:32] He's some kind of, like, father figure.

[29:34] Yeah, because the high school has a boxing ring.

[29:37] Yeah, all the classics are represented.

[29:40] Greco-Roman wrestling, boxing.

[29:43] Yeah, the classics.

[29:45] Teacher mobilization.

[29:47] and uh kevin has some kind of uh asthmatic shock or something like that or and uh noah has to

[29:54] stab him with an epi pen to save his life he then arranges to send some flowers it seems like a

[29:59] pretty good guy i gotta say claire and then claire receives some flowers and assumes they're from her

[30:04] estranged husband and she calls him and she's like hey they're beautiful he's like what are

[30:09] the flowers what flowers like he doesn't even take the first hint that he should be like oh

[30:15] Oh, yeah, yeah, the flowers I sent you.

[30:16] Yeah.

[30:16] Stewart's like, come on, John Corbett, be cool, man.

[30:19] Instead, he's like.

[30:21] I thought you were a cheater, dude.

[30:22] That's how she caught you, man.

[30:23] You gotta lie better.

[30:24] He is the dopiest adulterer.

[30:27] And in fact, I would have liked to see a movie about his adventures called The Dopiest Adulterer.

[30:30] Jim Jones and the Dopiest Adulterer.

[30:32] It's not a Disney movie, but I'll go with it.

[30:35] He can't get his act together.

[30:36] How does he have such a successful extramarital affair?

[30:39] What's going on?

[30:40] Disney in the 60s was weird.

[30:42] They were way more open to things.

[30:44] Remember, like, that short Goofy's Love Inn?

[30:47] It's one of those instructional shorts where, like, the narrator is talking about how you have a successful love-in, but Goofy cannot get it together.

[30:56] A group grope?

[30:57] Now, that's not a group grope, Goofy.

[31:00] You're just grabbing yourself.

[31:02] And then, for some reason, half of it is about golf swings.

[31:06] Yeah.

[31:07] Sex swings and golf swings.

[31:09] Goofy in the 60s.

[31:10] That's the documentary I'm working on.

[31:14] About those instructional cartoons.

[31:16] Oh, Goofy.

[31:18] Which were my favorite Disney cartoons as a kid.

[31:20] Not my favorite cartoons.

[31:21] All my favorite cartoons were Warner Brothers cartoons.

[31:23] I think because there was a premise that had jokes coming out of it,

[31:27] whereas the other Disney cartoons, I was like,

[31:29] I don't buy these characters hanging out with each other.

[31:31] They're all just like making barnyard music and stuff.

[31:34] How many times do they have to move a piano?

[31:37] My favorites were always the one where the guys would drink

[31:42] the gummy berry juice and just go fucking crazy.

[31:45] I mean, that was just

[31:46] called Gummy Bears.

[31:47] They would just bounce around

[31:50] here and there and everywhere.

[31:51] Yeah, it was all about those guys.

[31:54] They were fighting a duke

[31:55] for some reason.

[31:57] It was such a

[32:01] weird cartoon.

[32:02] There's nothing about it that's organic to the premise

[32:05] or the name at all.

[32:06] But didn't he want their juice so he could

[32:08] do the same thing? So he could have the power of bouncing.

[32:11] So a duke could bounce around.

[32:12] So he could travel somewhere marginally faster than walking.

[32:17] Why didn't they just give him some of that juice and then he'd probably leave him alone?

[32:20] He's a bad guy.

[32:21] Yeah, he's not a good...

[32:23] What would he do if he could bounce something terrible?

[32:25] He'd terrorize the populace with his bouncing.

[32:29] Who knows?

[32:31] He could just be pillaging with his bouncing.

[32:33] Yeah.

[32:35] It's a great bouncing comes great responsibility.

[32:37] That's the gummy bear's motto.

[32:40] Thanks, Stanley.

[32:42] Flat Stanley.

[32:43] Now, let's, so let's fast forward.

[32:48] Yeah, please.

[32:49] Noah is, I'm kind of, don't remember the order of all the things Noah does, but he starts getting crazy and obsessive.

[32:55] He builds a boat.

[32:56] Yeah.

[32:56] Yeah, he collects two of every animal to impress Claire.

[33:01] Two of every milf.

[33:04] So what, is he cloning them?

[33:06] Every type of milf there is.

[33:09] Every type.

[33:10] Brunettes, blondes, Latinas, Asian.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:13] What other types are there, Stuart?

[33:15] Yeah, you know.

[33:17] There's bossy career women.

[33:20] Sure.

[33:21] Neglected wives.

[33:22] Yep.

[33:23] Yoga students.

[33:24] Joggers.

[33:27] All of them.

[33:30] Supermarket shoppers.

[33:32] Women who are taking some kind of blowjob class.

[33:35] A woman who needs help with her cable installation.

[33:39] I don't know why he's getting two of each of them.

[33:41] Oh, people at pools.

[33:42] They will not breed with each other.

[33:44] They'll try, though.

[33:45] Oh, boy, will they try.

[33:46] Can't keep their hands off each other.

[33:48] Because if there's anything that porn has taught me,

[33:51] it's that any time two women are hanging out,

[33:53] they will have sex with each other.

[33:55] I mean, it's any two people, I think.

[33:58] I guess, yeah, in porn, it's any two people.

[34:01] Yeah.

[34:02] Yeah.

[34:02] There's no television in that universe.

[34:06] No platonic relationships.

[34:08] There's only one thing you do for entertainment.

[34:10] Dan, so is that the dividing point

[34:12] between our universe and the porn universe

[34:13] is the invention of television?

[34:15] You're saying if Philo...

[34:16] If Philo T. Farnsworth did not do that,

[34:19] then everyone would be having sex with each other.

[34:21] If he hadn't invented the cathode ray tube,

[34:23] then, yeah, people would just be having sex

[34:26] for recreation all the time.

[34:27] It's a good thing you didn't...

[34:29] No TV and no SDVs equals sex all the time.

[34:34] Was there an episode of Sliders that covered this?

[34:38] Remember they went to that – there's that episode of Sliders where they went to the universe where all hamburgers are little?

[34:43] They called them sliders.

[34:46] So anyway, Noah is creating a series of stalking incidents.

[34:52] He – at the fall fling dance, there's a – or maybe that happens after.

[34:58] I can't remember the order.

[34:59] So basically a kid, a bully tries to beat up Kevin, and Noah slams his head against the locker.

[35:05] He jumps out of nowhere to defend him.

[35:07] It's like Batman was swinging through the halls and slams the kid's head against the locker so many times it fractures his skull, which leads him to get into a fight with the vice principal, and he's expelled.

[35:17] Now, why he wasn't arrested for assaulting a student until his head cracked, the movie never answers.

[35:23] I guess it was because I have it on school grounds.

[35:25] The police have no jurisdiction.

[35:27] Maybe the police were on strike, and that's part of the backstory that would have been explained if the movie was longer.

[35:33] I'm not sure.

[35:34] Right now I'm thinking about how excited Jonathan Rhys-Davies would be to be in a universe filled with tiny hamburgers.

[35:41] No, go without me.

[35:44] I don't need to keep jumping around to the other universes.

[35:47] I'll stay on this one.

[35:48] Amazing.

[35:49] Indy, my friend.

[35:51] I can fit so many hamburgers in my mouth.

[35:53] Finally, I know what it's like to be a giant eating a hamburger.

[35:59] A giant in a land of hamburgers.

[36:04] There's a dance called the Fall Fling, and Kevin tries to ask the girl at the hardware store out, and she says no, but when Noah walks over, she says, I don't have a date for the Fall Fling.

[36:13] They go, and she, I guess, distracts Kevin and tells Claire that there was a problem in the bathroom, and when she goes over there—

[36:21] Which is her jurisdiction.

[36:22] As the classics professor, she also plunges the toilet.

[36:25] And when she goes there, the lights are all screwed up, and there's, what, it's water or toilet paper all over the floor?

[36:31] And in Big Letters on the Wall, it says, I fucked Claire Peterson.

[36:34] And Noah walks out, and he's like, hey, we can be together.

[36:37] And they argue with each other, and he tries to assault her, and she won't let it happen.

[36:42] The next day, she goes to her classroom and finds it festooned with pictures of herself and Noah having sex.

[36:50] Turned out he recorded the whole incident and then set the printer to infinite copies and put streamers up of it.

[36:58] And it takes her literally forever to clean up all of this stuff while kids are waiting outside.

[37:02] She's like sleeping around on the paper.

[37:03] For every piece of paper she picks up, she drops four.

[37:07] If this was summer school, there would have been three montages in the middle of this paper cleanup scene.

[37:13] And if it was a Three Stooges movie, it would have happened roughly the same as it happens here.

[37:17] Except I guess there'd be more like deliberate punches to the face.

[37:23] Then things escalate badly to the point where Garrett is taking Kevin in a sports car ride in some kind of fast sports car.

[37:32] And Kevin, who has been revved up by Noah to be mad at his dad for abandoning the family.

[37:38] For being a bad dad soccer dad.

[37:40] He doesn't even have the soccer part.

[37:41] Yeah, he's just the first half of that.

[37:44] He's just a bad dad cookie dad.

[37:45] Cookie dad.

[37:47] Bad dad cookie dad.

[37:49] Mr. Fields, I think is who you're talking about.

[37:51] That's why Mrs. Fields still calls herself Mrs., but they split up a long time ago.

[37:55] And the Fields kids, they don't talk to their dad, Mr. Fields, the cookie man, anymore.

[38:00] Yeah.

[38:01] Incidentally, he found a second career as the cookie man in the Snackwells commercials.

[38:05] He went off and married that stripper, Strawberry Fields.

[38:09] Wasn't that one of the Bond girls?

[38:14] Anyway.

[38:14] She's a stripper now.

[38:16] After she was discarded by James Bond.

[38:19] Well, this riff is going nowhere.

[38:21] So the, uh, not because of you, Stuart, look, all of us, all of us failed that one.

[38:27] In fact, guys, let's pause and let's have a little self-reflection moment here.

[38:30] I feel like that riff wasn't up to our best.

[38:32] Uh, let's all say one good thing and one bad thing about that riff, Dan.

[38:35] Uh, one good thing.

[38:37] Um, I think it started strong.

[38:39] Uh, one bad thing is like, I felt like I was, I personally, I thought I was forcing it.

[38:45] Okay.

[38:46] Stuart.

[38:46] I would say one good thing was we said the word cookie a couple of times.

[38:52] Okay.

[38:52] And that's just a funny word.

[38:53] It is delicious, too.

[38:55] A bad thing is I think Dan was forcing it.

[38:57] Okay, I'll say a good thing is that it ended so Dan stopped forcing it.

[39:01] Right.

[39:02] And the bad thing was that, I mean, millions still die of starvation every day around the world.

[39:10] Oh, man.

[39:11] He's really sensitive.

[39:11] A moment of silence for that.

[39:12] Yeah, let's just have a moment of silence.

[39:14] And go.

[39:14] Done.

[39:15] Okay.

[39:15] Moving on.

[39:16] I think you'll find a moment somewhere in the podcast where we were silent and just edit that in.

[39:21] Samoan.

[39:21] Samoan?

[39:23] Find some Samoan and stick him in there.

[39:26] Thanks for remembering Samoans.

[39:29] He's probably a professional wrestler.

[39:31] He's doing fine.

[39:32] Find some Samoan and make him into a cookie and we're done.

[39:36] Sell him to the Girl Scouts.

[39:38] What if it turns out the Girl Scouts have been killing actual Samoans to make those cookies?

[39:45] all right well it turns out that he loses the control of the car because it turns out noah

[39:49] cut the brakes uh which actually brings the father and son closer together in that moment of fear

[39:54] and uh this is when the movie hyper drives into crazy town uh vicky convinces claire to break

[40:03] into noah's house and delete the files in his computer which is of course in an evidence dungeon

[40:07] papered with pictures of claire having sex with him she finds a file labeled well like claire

[40:13] pictures and in the folder achilles yeah yeah the folder's called achilles not what a normal kid

[40:19] would title it spank bank and every you can deposit that in the spank bank and then take

[40:26] what's left after you use that after you withdraw that deposit and deposit in the sperm bank

[40:29] then you're going to deposit the interest on the account surprisingly low okay uh there's not a lot

[40:36] of demand for it right now okay i mean it's less interest and more like the sperm sort of slowly

[40:41] die over time so you're actually decreasing in value do you get charged for every deposit the

[40:47] sperm decreases in value the minute you drive it off the lot yeah now uh she what i love is that

[40:54] every photo is so clearly titled like clear sleeping one clear sleeping two he went through

[40:59] and he retitled all of the photos and all the files uh she deletes it very organized but she's

[41:03] almost caught by his uncle who's back from the hospital i forgot to say his uncle was in the

[41:08] hospital uh i also forgot to mention that she has seen through the window him having sex with the

[41:13] girl kevin had a crush on it turns out she was working for him i guess in exchange for sex and

[41:19] she's the only nude girl we see in the entire movie j-lo shows a lot of leg but not a lot of

[41:25] other parts so mr skin put that in your catalog we mostly get uh dude butt so ladies yep i mean

[41:34] if that's your thing i'm just saying yeah i thought you already inferred that for most ladies

[41:38] dude but is their thing uh did i infer that i mean i don't know you said it kind of well i mean for

[41:45] for people who don't want to rough it the way that a professional but would you go to a dude but

[41:51] and that's you know like you just for weekend and you get to experience a little bit and you rope

[41:55] some cattle on a butt and like you know you get to wear a cowboy hat on a butt and then you leave

[42:00] If you go back to regular life.

[42:01] Hey, dude butt.

[42:02] Just like the hit Nickelodeon show, Hey, Dude Butt, which introduced the world to Ben Stiller's future wife.

[42:09] Anyway, moving on.

[42:11] It was covered by Salute Your Shorts.

[42:15] Now, that was a very high level Nickelodeon show butt joke.

[42:20] I give you a lot of points for that.

[42:22] In fact, I think Stuart's the winner of this episode.

[42:24] But things get to go to crazy town here because there's an evidence dungeon.

[42:28] Vicky, in trying to help Claire, gets on Noah's bad side and he hits her over the head with something and kidnaps her before murdering her.

[42:37] Yeah, Kristen Chenoweth died.

[42:38] Kristen Chenoweth's body is later hurled out of a crawlspace or off a high shelf at Jennifer Lopez.

[42:45] Immediately following a classic cat scare.

[42:48] Uh-huh.

[42:48] And a classic cat scan.

[42:50] Because you've got to know about your health.

[42:52] What makes it classic?

[42:54] Is it black and white?

[42:56] Yeah, yeah.

[42:57] It hasn't been colorized.

[42:58] It's painted on the side of a Grecian urn.

[43:00] Lopez somehow arranges an appointment with a detective who explains to her

[43:08] and shows her the wreckage of the car crash that killed Noah's dad.

[43:11] Turns out he was a cheater too, and Noah hates cheaters.

[43:15] So they were just keeping that car carcass around?

[43:18] Yeah, the carcass.

[43:21] That's in like a giant warehouse somewhere.

[43:24] It was in their museum of random cars from crimes.

[43:27] Sure, next to a Sweet Tooth's van from Twisted Metal.

[43:32] Exactly.

[43:34] Like the Death Proof car.

[43:36] Yeah, the Death Proof car.

[43:38] Herbie Fully Loaded.

[43:39] Christine, yeah.

[43:42] The car from The Car.

[43:44] The Cars That Ate Paris.

[43:46] Not all of the trucks from Maximum Overdrive, but one of them.

[43:50] Yeah.

[43:51] Cars That Ate Paris is a weird movie.

[43:53] the convention circuit right now yeah yeah that's uh so claire uh gets uh stuck with noah

[44:03] how's wikipedia doing over there wikipedia is not helping me go any faster so let's cut to the to

[44:08] the climax noah kidnaps claire takes her to a barn in the middle of nowhere that barn we'd seen

[44:14] earlier it was it yeah yeah they're in the in the previously odd boy next door okay because i

[44:20] clearly remember saying why are they in a barn yeah to set up this barn it's checkoff's rule

[44:26] if you see a barn in a barn you see a barn in the first act you're gonna see somebody universe barns

[44:31] exists thank god they showed me a barn earlier in the movie or else i wouldn't believe it when

[44:37] the barn shows up a barn with an engine block hanging up in the air yeah because it's a car barn

[44:43] now noah kidnaps claire he's also kidnapped her husband and son the husband has been beaten about

[44:51] the face and neck area and is chained to something the son is also chained to a thing uh and

[44:56] everybody starts kung fu fighting you know but not with kung fu just with fists and stuff

[45:01] and noah is mad that claire doesn't want to be with him because he genuinely loves her in his

[45:06] own crazy violent stupid way he lights the barn on fire and actually he covers the place in gasoline

[45:11] And then he pulls out a lighter, and Claire pushes him, which causes him to drop the lighter.

[45:16] Kind of the stupidest move she could have made at that point.

[45:18] It's an easy way to clean up all the evidence of her husband's murder.

[45:21] Yeah, it turns into a fight between Noah and her husband.

[45:24] Then she joins in.

[45:26] Then the son joins in.

[45:28] She hits him with a tire iron.

[45:29] Hits Noah, not the son.

[45:30] The husband gets shot, and I assume killed.

[45:34] Then Noah gets shot, I think, right, or no?

[45:37] anyway she gets two moments of like you he says something then she has a quip afterwards and the

[45:44] first he says claire i uh i trust you and she says like but you shouldn't trust me and then stabs him

[45:50] in the eye with an epi pen and they're fighting and then she takes her thumb and she gouges it

[45:55] further into that same eye in a pretty graphic shot for a movie like this uh then the son and

[46:00] him are fighting and they're grappling over the gun and i forgot what her second quip is yeah he's

[46:06] about to he's about to shoot somebody else and she's like oh he says sometimes heroes have to

[46:10] make have to make tough decisions and she says you're no hero and then cuts a chain or something

[46:16] and the engine block falls and crushes him it's really important to her that he knows before he

[46:20] dies that she doesn't like him but it might as well be just an anvil falling on him from the sky

[46:26] like it is really looney tunesy that's just like big block of metal falls on him and crushes him

[46:34] It's just enough time to look up and go, oh, shit.

[46:37] He also recovers from having his eye gouged out pretty quickly.

[46:41] Maybe it's just adrenaline.

[46:42] When you're a teenager, dude, you get over things.

[46:44] You bounce back.

[46:45] That's true.

[46:46] You heal faster.

[46:47] Every moment is like an eternity.

[46:49] And then they're outside with the police and the fire department, who I guess heard the barn on fire.

[46:55] And that's the end of the movie.

[46:57] And the police are like, there was only one body in there, all burned up.

[47:01] Who was it, though?

[47:02] Your husband or the other guy?

[47:04] No, I'm just making that up.

[47:05] No, there was no the end question mark type thing.

[47:08] It just kind of ends kind of abruptly.

[47:09] Get in the ambulance and the guy's like, hey, I just moved in next door to you.

[47:19] And then he pulls out a chainsaw.

[47:22] Now, here's the thing.

[47:24] This movie, I think we were all really looking forward to it.

[47:26] It didn't quite live up to the level of dumbness I thought it was going to have.

[47:30] Let's just go to the final judgments.

[47:31] Was it a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie,

[47:33] or a movie you kind of liked?

[47:34] Elliot, what are you saying?

[47:35] I think it could have been a good, bad movie.

[47:37] It just, like, didn't go far enough.

[47:39] There were scenes where, like, the sudden brakes cut on the car

[47:42] and they decide that the best way to deal with that

[47:45] is to drive on the wrong side of the road

[47:47] and almost bump into a lot of things.

[47:49] Fuck all over the place.

[47:51] Or a lot of the scenes...

[47:52] There were a lot of times when Noah would do, like, a sexy quip,

[47:55] but it was the kind of stupid, vulgar joke

[47:58] that a real 19-year-old would make.

[47:59] Like when he says, I love your mom's cookies.

[48:01] Or when she says, oh, we had a big thunderstorm.

[48:05] And he goes, oh, the husband goes, it was dry where we were camping.

[48:09] And he goes, yeah, well, it got pretty wet around here.

[48:12] Like they are the dumbest first level innuendo.

[48:15] And if there was more stuff like that, it would have been great.

[48:19] And by the end, it gets super nuts when she's literally gouging out a man's eye in a burning barn.

[48:25] Now, if you see a movie titled Super Nuts, you might not want to stay up for it because it could be about cartoon squirrels.

[48:31] It's true, but it could also be about super-powered testicles.

[48:35] Or it could be about whether you want soup or nuts.

[48:37] Sure.

[48:39] Yeah, it's called Soup or Nuts.

[48:41] It's a documentary.

[48:42] Dissection of a decision.

[48:43] What place is offering you either soup or nuts?

[48:47] They don't fill the same requirement in a meal.

[48:49] Maybe like a grandma?

[48:51] You asked me about the phrase from soup to nuts.

[48:53] We're just like, what kind of meal is this that starts with soup and ends in nuts?

[48:57] Oh, that makes sense.

[48:58] Nuts was like an after-dinner thing for when soup would be your starter.

[49:01] That's not a dessert.

[49:03] Nuts.

[49:03] In Europe.

[49:05] It's a handful of nuts.

[49:06] In Europe, you ask for dessert and they'll give you a plate of fruit and cheese for dessert.

[49:13] I mean, that's crazy.

[49:13] Don't even get me started on Persia.

[49:15] It's nothing but like honey-flavored bread.

[49:17] Yeah.

[49:18] Anyway.

[49:20] whole civilizations that barely understand that chocolate exists.

[49:23] You can have a starter or you can have a dessert in this situation.

[49:26] You can have soup or nuts.

[49:27] Yeah, no main course.

[49:28] It's called unsatisfying,

[49:30] and it's the dinner that leaves you hungry for more.

[49:33] They always told me, leave your audience hungry for more,

[49:36] and I think my restaurant does that by not feeding them enough.

[49:40] I agree with Elliot in that I think that this hovers

[49:43] between a good bad movie and a bad bad movie.

[49:46] Like, it was not as crazy as I was led to believe.

[49:50] It kind of bored me for a large part of it.

[49:52] Judging by the amount of the movie you spent looking at your phone,

[49:54] it bored you for 90% of the time.

[49:56] Yeah, but, you know, you can do worse.

[50:00] I will say, if you want to see a movie that has a bunch of dumb lines

[50:02] and Jennifer Lopez wears a lot of clingy skirts that show off her butt,

[50:07] this is the movie for you.

[50:08] Yeah.

[50:08] Stuart?

[50:09] Yeah, I think you're right.

[50:10] I think it's just below a good, bad movie.

[50:14] Our male lead was pretty good, and Jennifer Lopez is pretty crazy, but I think they could have played up more like the forbidden attraction element.

[50:25] Mm-hmm.

[50:25] And, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[50:28] It was like, it was, didn't, for, I will say that the, like, the sex scenes were steamier than I expected in a movie from nowadays.

[50:39] but it was like you wanted the rest of the movie to feel like seedy and gross

[50:44] in a way that it didn't like it for a good,

[50:46] good,

[50:46] bad movie.

[50:47] It should have felt like you were like,

[50:48] Oh,

[50:49] Oh,

[50:50] Oh,

[50:51] instead it wasn't like that.

[50:54] I agree.

[50:56] It was PG 13.

[50:58] It was not,

[50:58] it was rated R.

[50:59] Okay.

[51:00] Yeah.

[51:00] But it was a soft R.

[51:02] It could have been a hard R.

[51:03] Yeah.

[51:04] I mean,

[51:04] this wasn't like irreversible.

[51:05] Sure.

[51:07] Well,

[51:07] I don't know if that's your yardstick, but it seems...

[51:11] For hard R?

[51:12] I don't even think that's R.

[51:13] I think it's NC-17, probably.

[51:15] No cowboys under 17.

[51:18] Hi, everybody.

[51:25] I'm Justin McElroy.

[51:26] And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy.

[51:28] Every Tuesday, we bring you Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine,

[51:34] a show about all the dumb, weird, terrible ways

[51:37] that we've tried to fix each other over the years.

[51:39] You know, some light summer listening.

[51:41] Maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas

[51:43] or why we tried to eat mummies for a while

[51:46] or why drinking cholera diarrhea sounded like a good idea.

[51:49] That and so much more is waiting for you every Tuesday

[51:52] right here on the Maximum Fun Network with Sawbones,

[51:56] a marital tour of misguided medicine.

[52:01] We do have a sponsor for tonight's show.

[52:04] The Flophouse is brought to you in part by Squarespace,

[52:06] the all-in-one website platform that makes it fast and easy

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[52:37] Let me tell you, how many times do I have to tell our audience, you need a website.

[52:40] Everybody's living on the Internet these days, just like they said we would in the social network.

[52:44] Where are you going to live?

[52:45] Right now, you're homeless on the Internet.

[52:46] You're just wandering the Internet, begging for change, sleeping under digital bridges.

[52:51] Make yourself a home, Squarespace.

[52:53] If you want to impress your grandma that you got this awesome deal, the only way you can do it is by using the code FLOP.

[52:59] And you can show your favorite podcast that you like them

[53:03] Thanks, buds

[53:04] But now

[53:06] To move on to letters from listeners

[53:08] Letters, da da da da, running low on time

[53:11] Here's a quick letters song, yeah

[53:12] I like it

[53:15] I won you over

[53:17] Dan liked my song

[53:20] Dan finally liked my song

[53:24] He liked it

[53:25] Hey, he liked it

[53:26] Mikey liked it

[53:28] Life cereal

[53:29] featuring dan thanks uh so this first letter goes like this hey dudes i have two things first dan

[53:38] you're my favorite i've i also had a knee problem no one cared about second i've never been on a

[53:44] date what a bond or try dating at all you fellows seem like experts since you're all happily

[53:49] question mark married how do you start your loyal listener spencer last name withheld

[53:54] how do you start dating well you find someone you want to go out with and you ask them hey you want

[53:59] go do something yeah uh that's the easiest way here's the thing a lot of people i know when i

[54:04] was younger i put way too much thought into dating because i thought you had to put thought into

[54:07] dating it's a lot better if you don't put you think about hey who what's who's someone i'd

[54:12] like to spend time with and what's the thing i think they would find fun be more of a straight

[54:16] caveman about it right just bonk her on the head no be it not bonk her on your head be a gay cave

[54:22] man bonk him on the head and take him back to your pad bonk anyone on the head and take him back

[54:27] what if it's bonk dan from the turbo graphic 64 or sure for graphic 16 because that's the only

[54:36] thing that you can do but except for those things that hurt you when you bonk them yeah uh well may

[54:41] a lot of people date on the internet they could do that too just saying like no i think you're

[54:45] right in what you're getting at though which is to be straightforward um i think you can get a

[54:51] pretty good sense unless you're a crazy person and there are plenty of them out there uh there

[54:57] are plenty of crazy creeps i'm not gonna say there aren't crazy creeps out there i hope you're not

[55:00] one of them but unless you're one of them you i think have a pretty good idea if someone might

[55:05] be interested in you romantically and so if you think that there's a possibility you just say

[55:10] hey would you like to go out on a date uh and suggest something and if they say no then you

[55:16] politely say all right thank you and you stop thinking about them and you go and ask somebody

[55:22] else because there's a lot of fish in the sea and if you're interested in fish don't even wait for

[55:26] them to say no just take them with you connected and switched on i've seen you all night dan is

[55:30] giving relationship advice yeah well dan was a dr drew in another life or a dr dan if you will

[55:36] i don't know why he'd call himself dr drew

[55:39] so uh hope that helps uh the most important thing is find the right person to ask

[55:45] um yeah i mean i guess i mean find some a bunch of people i mean find someone you're interested

[55:51] in don't ask like a stranger at a bus stop that you're not interested that is not attractive to

[55:56] you shouldn't ask somebody who is secretly in the thrall of an evil dude who's trying to

[56:00] sleep with your mom that is a very good tip yes because she's only here's the bad thing

[56:06] she's just using you as a tool to get to your mom and secondly you know she's gonna be having

[56:11] sex with that much hunkier, much

[56:13] more buff guy, and it's going to make you angry.

[56:15] And we've already learned he is totally

[56:17] good at satisfying people. Oh yeah, he's

[56:19] very generous. Except that's the thing,

[56:21] when the time we see them having sex, she is

[56:23] pleasuring him. But here's

[56:25] another, here's a tip.

[56:27] That's how it works for some people.

[56:28] Be friendly and engage them as

[56:31] a human, not just as a potential

[56:33] mate.

[56:35] You know? Yeah.

[56:36] Yeah.

[56:37] Find a connection.

[56:41] unless it's the casual encounters page on Craigslist,

[56:43] in which case...

[56:44] Yeah, just fuck.

[56:45] And don't read too much emotion into it,

[56:49] or else you'll be pulled into a web of seduction and desire.

[56:51] Just boning.

[56:52] Just sheer boning.

[56:53] Yep, bone that fish.

[56:55] Use your boning knife.

[56:57] Moving on.

[56:58] This letter goes like this.

[57:01] Plop, lords.

[57:02] I have once again done your bidding

[57:04] and entered the time stream

[57:05] and traveled to the past to steal the hat.

[57:07] I do this without question.

[57:09] So the mystery's been solved.

[57:11] I do this without question, for I know too well the punishment that is gifted to those

[57:16] who question the commands from the golden throne of the flop lords.

[57:19] I would, however, like to remind you that this is now the second time you've sent me

[57:23] into the past to steal an old baseball cap.

[57:25] And though you insist that the theft of this item is crucial in, quote, maintaining the

[57:29] time stream, I can't help but notice that when the hat is brought before all three of

[57:33] you, you begin to giggle like schoolgirls.

[57:35] It feels like you're playing some sort of time-space prank, which is, of course, you're

[57:39] Right to do, if you feel like doing so, as the rulers of Earth, formerly Earth, please do not take...

[57:45] Yeah, I forgot we changed the name, I guess.

[57:47] Please do not take that the wrong way and throw me into the pit of the flopcat, or banish me to that island of misery and sand lice, where the brother of Cailin awaits to torment the unclean one...

[57:57] It's called Sportsylvania.

[57:59] ...with boring sports stories.

[58:00] Anywho, I'm writing you this message from here in the past, to you in the year 2035, to ask if I should just stay here and wait for the next time you want this hat stolen.

[58:09] Or should I continue to risk death and sanity traveling through what Lord Wellington calls, quote, the time vagina?

[58:15] If I had a vote, which no one does now, I'll hail the flop lords.

[58:19] I would like to minimize the amount of time I spent time traveling.

[58:22] It hurts, and while you guys think it's funny, it's starting to affect my ability to steal hats for you.

[58:26] As always, if you command me to travel back to 2035, I will.

[58:30] Do not wish to be sent to one of Lord McCoy's depression tubes.

[58:34] I'll hail the flop lords, Jason, last name withheld.

[58:38] He needs to take his meds.

[58:40] Yeah.

[58:40] Mm-hmm.

[58:41] Thank you, Jason, for explaining a mystery that has long dogged Flophouse Lizards.

[58:46] Jason, normally when one addresses the tripartite throne, the godhead that is the Flop Lords,

[58:52] it should be in the form of a song, but I guess a letter is all right.

[58:58] Don't sing a song.

[59:00] Too late.

[59:01] When you're talking to Flop Lords on the Flop Lord throne,

[59:07] Remember your manners, your yes and your ganners.

[59:11] Remember to be the best you can be, the best you you can be, or we'll throw you in the pit.

[59:21] Okay, Dan, keep going.

[59:23] This last letter of the night goes a little something like this.

[59:29] As a fan of both sleaze and bad movies,

[59:32] I feel I have to make one small correction to your recent A Talking Cat episode.

[59:37] Recent?

[59:38] I've seen a shameful number of David D. Cocteau films, which are all horrifying train wrecks.

[59:45] But one thing they are not is gay sleaze or gay softcore porn.

[59:49] In fact, it would be better if they were.

[59:50] Sure, one guy clad in nothing but boxer briefs might spray a hose on five guys also clad only in boxer briefs.

[59:59] But then they'll all awkwardly assert that they're totally heterosexual

[1:00:02] and talk about how hot the single female character in the movie is,

[1:00:06] who often appears to be a homeless woman

[1:00:08] DeCotto found driving to the set that day.

[1:00:11] DeCotto, sorry.

[1:00:13] We were over this last time.

[1:00:16] Yeah, yeah.

[1:00:16] Sorry.

[1:00:17] It's very difficult.

[1:00:19] I think it's because DeCotto is not an actual name.

[1:00:22] No, yeah.

[1:00:22] Whereas Cocteau is a name.

[1:00:25] Yeah.

[1:00:26] And it's a hit, Tom Cruise movies for babies.

[1:00:30] Cocteau, they can't quite pronounce cocktail, so they call it Cocteau.

[1:00:34] Oh, yeah, you're kind of reaching.

[1:00:35] Why D. Coteau feels it necessary to insist every character in his movies is heterosexual,

[1:00:43] even when working for a gay film studio, is a puzzle I've been attempting to solve for years.

[1:00:47] It's maddening.

[1:00:48] But I wouldn't want one of your viewers to accidentally watch 2 Voodoo Academy,

[1:00:53] A movie which has neither voodoo nor an academy.

[1:00:55] And think that they'll see much more than a bunch of guys wandering around in boxer briefs.

[1:01:01] And as a question, what movies do you think would be exciting your scandals?

[1:01:05] That just disproved our academy suggestion from earlier, by the way.

[1:01:09] What?

[1:01:10] Well, it just disproved the earlier comment about how academy or school might be a good idea for watching a softball or porno movie.

[1:01:18] In this case, academy left him.

[1:01:20] i think i you know we don't have wide experience of the gay soft core okay i guess voodoo academy

[1:01:29] yeah i don't know uh but he he ends his question as a letter look i'm sure it's a rich and vibrant

[1:01:37] uh you know area of film uh as a question what movies do you think would be exciting and

[1:01:42] scandalous but just turned out to be boring well the boy next door on fl op in the usa

[1:01:48] peter last name withheld um geez what did i think was gonna be scandalous and exciting

[1:01:54] and was just i feel like there's a lot of those like mondo movies type things where they that you

[1:02:00] think they're gonna be like super like either gross or scary and then it's a lot of like

[1:02:06] clearly staged footage of things yeah i mean like there's a lot of also i feel like a lot of these

[1:02:14] like purposefully camping movies that are being made these days like promise a lot and then just

[1:02:20] really like back off the sleaze um they don't have the courage of their lack of convictions

[1:02:27] as somebody probably said somewhere about something uh i said it but i think i was

[1:02:32] quoting someone else yeah i'm probably quoting you quoting somebody um there's a movie that i

[1:02:37] watched recently called death spa that i thought was gonna be really good uh and started out really

[1:02:44] sleazy with like

[1:02:46] a scene

[1:02:48] of a bunch of ladies

[1:02:49] showering in the spa as

[1:02:51] it heated up and

[1:02:53] tiles from the

[1:02:57] ceramic tiles of the

[1:03:00] shower started just

[1:03:01] popping out and attacking

[1:03:03] the ladies, shooting at the ladies.

[1:03:05] Some kind of death spa.

[1:03:06] But then the movie just took

[1:03:10] a sharp left turn

[1:03:11] into what could have been a 1970

[1:03:13] like TV detective show

[1:03:16] where they just like went off into like the

[1:03:18] Hollywood Hills and tried to explain

[1:03:20] what was going on in the Death Spa like there was some sort

[1:03:22] of entry with some dude

[1:03:24] that I just lost interest in very quickly

[1:03:26] and I don't know

[1:03:28] I mean just like a movie with Death Spa should be

[1:03:30] nothing but sleaze like

[1:03:32] front to back I feel like

[1:03:33] yeah somebody's not signing up for Death Spa

[1:03:36] and expecting like some

[1:03:37] some genuine story craft

[1:03:40] yeah

[1:03:40] you don't have anything to do?

[1:03:43] No, I think the one that I always think of is the Todd Phillips comedy Old School, which, you know, is kind of lauded as a as like a like a college comedy.

[1:03:56] I don't know. I mean, it's funny enough, but I feel like it's it if none of its characters were as terrible as I kind of wanted them to be.

[1:04:05] I want like it makes all the characters in Animal House seem like monsters.

[1:04:10] I mean they are monsters

[1:04:12] but that's part of what makes it funny

[1:04:14] and I felt like none of the characters in old school

[1:04:17] were as terrible as I wanted

[1:04:19] them to be

[1:04:20] because that's the whole

[1:04:23] thing about a comedy about guys

[1:04:25] pretending they're in a fraternity

[1:04:26] like guys that are too old pretending they're in a fraternity

[1:04:29] or setting up a fraternity

[1:04:30] is you want them to be actually bad people

[1:04:33] that want to be bad again so that you could

[1:04:35] live out the

[1:04:36] fantasy of watching a bunch of

[1:04:39] old guys be dicks to people

[1:04:40] i think there's a lot of there's a lot of comedy now that presents itself as like edgy or rough

[1:04:45] comedy and especially it's stuff where they then release dvds that are like the unrated version

[1:04:50] but then you watch it and you're like oh this is not there's nothing like fun like shocking or

[1:04:57] funny enough to be shocking or shocking enough to be funny it's just gonna like people talking

[1:05:01] about their dicks you know i remember like i i didn't expect anything more out of this movie

[1:05:07] but i saw that movie hall pass where it was just like this movie is sold on like the premise of

[1:05:13] like oh like these guys are gonna get the hall pass and like the comedy is like hence the title

[1:05:19] like the premise of it is like this titillating premise of like you know like what is luring

[1:05:26] people into the theater is like the comedy of the premise of like these married men like having

[1:05:31] like this chance to have sex outside of their marriage you know and like what's going to happen

[1:05:36] after that and the movie

[1:05:38] itself is so tame

[1:05:40] in reinforcing like

[1:05:41] just like the status quo of like

[1:05:44] oh of course none of them

[1:05:46] neither of them can bear to do it

[1:05:48] marriage is great you know and like

[1:05:49] sex without love is meaningless that kind of stuff

[1:05:51] and like at that point it's just like well like you have

[1:05:54] literally like

[1:05:55] like I feel like movies like that really like

[1:05:58] lure people in under this

[1:06:00] like titillating false pretense

[1:06:02] and as an excuse to

[1:06:04] reinforce societal norms

[1:06:05] yep then it holds up a harsh mirror to the audience this is what have you done you should

[1:06:11] love the person who came to this shitty movie with you you you wanted this but it turns out

[1:06:15] you were wrong just like you know like fucking just go with the fucking premise like follow it

[1:06:20] through man like yeah be like bad lieutenant well like i guess uh sucker punch was kind of like that

[1:06:27] where it's it was seemed like it was going to be this crazy maybe even sleazy movie but then it was

[1:06:32] it similarly like you love this stuff and you're wrong to love it when it was like i don't like

[1:06:38] this stuff and even if i did why should i be made why should i be like told that it's wrong to see a

[1:06:46] like a fantasy type story you know yeah uh it's i don't i don't like movies that are

[1:06:53] that act like they're gonna be sleazy and then they shame you do you blame them the marketing

[1:06:57] or the movie itself uh a little bit one sucker punch's case that was the movie all the way but

[1:07:03] uh these days the marketing is so much a part of the movie i don't know trailers for trailers right

[1:07:10] uh yep i guess so teasers having trailers yep yeah um on the other hand i don't there's a

[1:07:17] certain level of sleaze that i do not enjoy going to you know no no i'm not i'm not i'm not making

[1:07:23] a blanket argument in favor of sleaze

[1:07:25] either. I'm just saying that if you're

[1:07:27] going to do a certain

[1:07:29] thing, then you can't bait and switch the audience.

[1:07:30] Know thyself, I think it says in the Iliad.

[1:07:33] In the first edition.

[1:07:35] Yeah.

[1:07:37] Yeah, I don't like the

[1:07:39] bait and switch on the audience. You want more of a

[1:07:41] masturbate and switch.

[1:07:42] Yeah, I see no problem with that.

[1:07:46] I'll allow it. There's nothing

[1:07:49] in the rulebook that says I can't masturbate.

[1:07:52] Thank God, because I've been doing it a lot.

[1:07:56] TMI, Trademark Incorporated, Dan McCoy's Masturbation Industries.

[1:08:05] Take it from me, I do it a lot.

[1:08:07] That's the Dan McCoy promise.

[1:08:09] That was some letters, right?

[1:08:11] Yeah, and now it's the final segment on our show.

[1:08:14] It's where we advertise Dan McCoy's Masturbation School.

[1:08:16] Oh, wow.

[1:08:17] It's the only place where you can earn an MBA, a Masturbation Bachelors of Arts Anonymous.

[1:08:25] It's an MBA.

[1:08:26] My art is still involved.

[1:08:28] Oh, no.

[1:08:29] It's very subtle art.

[1:08:30] This is where we recommend movies that we watched that we actually liked.

[1:08:36] Okay.

[1:08:37] I'll go first.

[1:08:39] I watched the Academy Award winning documentary, Citizen Four.

[1:08:43] Bikini Academy.

[1:08:44] It was a harsh expose

[1:08:49] Of the terrible conditions

[1:08:52] At bikini academies across America

[1:08:55] Many of these girls have to wear one pieces

[1:08:59] Sunburn is a real problem

[1:09:02] Tops are constantly falling off

[1:09:06] I'm just going to recommend it

[1:09:07] I would love to see a movie that was

[1:09:10] A fake documentary about the problem

[1:09:12] Of bikini tops falling off

[1:09:14] anyway citizen ford's about edward snowden yeah unprecedented access and they were filming it as

[1:09:20] the story was being revealed to the world right yeah and whatever your feelings on edward snowden

[1:09:25] and i think that probably most what do you think he's hot or not i think most people have

[1:09:29] complicated feelings about him um uh sexual feelings this movie makes whether or not you

[1:09:36] believe what he did was justified it makes interesting points about um what the government

[1:09:42] is doing in terms of surveillance on its citizens and uh it also like very early in the movie like

[1:09:49] edward stoughton himself says like the media likes to make a person the story and i'm afraid of

[1:09:57] becoming the story and i think that that was exactly what happened with him like uh i think

[1:10:02] a lot of people's opinions on that story were formed by whether they thought he was kind of

[1:10:06] a douche or not which most of the time was based just on like how he looked yeah it was not like

[1:10:11] anything like he actually comes off very well and and and you know like that's because obviously

[1:10:15] the documentarian is sympathetic to him but i think but he also was given a lot of time to sort

[1:10:21] of just speak off the cuff and he comes off well in this story and it's just you know it's an

[1:10:25] interesting political documentary about uh the current state of surveillance in the u.s how's

[1:10:33] j-lo in it uh she is banging whoa banging okay well you made it through that whole recommendation

[1:10:42] yeah i'm gonna recommend a current movie called faults uh in our stars nope that's that's for

[1:10:53] another podcast this podcast i'm recommending a movie called faults now uh faults is a i guess

[1:11:01] a thriller of the non erotic variety non erotic maybe a black comedy I don't know it stars a cast

[1:11:11] of primarily character actors and Mary Elizabeth Winstead it's about a a cult deprogrammer who has

[1:11:22] received some level of notoriety and he's kind of down on his luck and he takes a he he takes

[1:11:31] Takes a job from some parents who are nervous that their daughter has been who has fallen into a dangerous cult.

[1:11:39] And he takes the job to deprogrammer.

[1:11:42] And the movie is, you know, it has it has a twist at some point.

[1:11:49] And I don't actually think that totally works, but it manages to do such a great job and such great character work from Leland Orser.

[1:11:59] that I think it's a good watch.

[1:12:02] Fine Swiss watch.

[1:12:06] Elliot?

[1:12:07] I am going to recommend a movie super quick.

[1:12:11] I haven't gotten to see too much lately.

[1:12:12] And to be honest, the movie that stuck with me the most

[1:12:15] is a movie that Stuart recommended on a,

[1:12:17] I think maybe the last episode,

[1:12:19] a previous episode at the very least,

[1:12:21] which was It Follows.

[1:12:23] Yeah, followed you home and then to the movie theater

[1:12:26] where you watched it.

[1:12:26] My recommendation, that is.

[1:12:28] Yep, and then it followed me to now when it's a movie I've thought about a lot since I saw it.

[1:12:34] It really captivated me and captured me when I was watching it and stuck with me afterwards.

[1:12:40] And I thought it was just really, really good and is already early in the running for maybe my favorite movie of the year.

[1:12:47] Although, again, we're only in the first third of the year.

[1:12:49] But that being said, it's my favorite movie of the first third of the year.

[1:12:53] So, at the risk of sounding repetitive and redundant

[1:12:56] and like a big ol' copycat mimic starring...

[1:13:00] That would be the...

[1:13:01] Mira Sorvino.

[1:13:02] Mira Sorvino and Sigourney Weaver in Copycat Mimic.

[1:13:07] It's a combination of Copycat and Mimic

[1:13:09] where, what's the name of the same...

[1:13:12] Harry Connick Jr. is pretending to be a giant cockroach.

[1:13:16] I'm going to recommend It Follows.

[1:13:18] All right.

[1:13:20] I'm presented.

[1:13:23] A copycat mimic recommendation.

[1:13:26] I mean, you can place the blame on the effect that movie had on me

[1:13:30] and that I haven't seen that many movies since then.

[1:13:32] Yeah, and your baby, who is the reason you haven't seen that many movies.

[1:13:36] That's the main reason I haven't seen that many movies.

[1:13:37] You can blame it on the rain.

[1:13:38] Yeah, yeah.

[1:13:39] Blame it on Rio, too.

[1:13:40] Yep, yeah, we could do that.

[1:13:42] They made a sequel?

[1:13:42] Blame it on Rio, too.

[1:13:45] Michael Caine has sex with another underage girl.

[1:13:47] Well, guys.

[1:13:49] I thought that was the one with the cartoon birds.

[1:13:52] That's just called Rio.

[1:13:53] So Blame It On Rio is about Michael Caine having sex with a cartoon bird.

[1:13:59] Blame It On Madagascar.

[1:14:02] So, guys, thank you for being here.

[1:14:06] Thank you for being a friend.

[1:14:08] Travel down the road and back again.

[1:14:10] Thank you all for listening.

[1:14:12] For The Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:14:15] Yeah, you have.

[1:14:16] I'm Stuart Wellington.

[1:14:17] For Squarespace, I'm Elliot Kalin.

[1:14:20] Good night, everyone.

[1:14:22] check check please just the check i have it right here no dessert as you'll see i

[1:14:32] comped a few of your items the gino's pizza rolls totally on the house sir thank you i mean i brought

[1:14:39] those and then you just heated them up in the microwave the digiorno's pizza that was not

[1:14:45] delivered to you wink we delivered it to you uh that was also comped thank you much appreciated

[1:14:51] what's this here where it says uh magnum 100 okay so have you ever had a ice cream bar called a

[1:15:02] magnum no i'm not familiar with it well i charged you so i could eat it and it was delicious

[1:15:07] i don't understand how your restaurant works i don't either i don't own it i am just a waiter

[1:15:15] brian spring is sprung spring is sprung which means throwing shade is here we are here every

[1:15:23] season we've been here every season but now we're here again if you don't know what we do we take a

[1:15:27] look at lady issues and gay issues and we treat them with much less respect than they deserve

[1:15:31] and we do it every week it's politics it's comedy it's absurdity it's um a lot of hairstyles so many

[1:15:37] hairstyles absolutely yes in your head picture people with a bunch of wigs on talking smack and

[1:15:42] Smokin' Dope.

Ep. #176 - The Boy Next Door

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