Ep. #176 - The Boy Next Door

Elliott Kalan

[0:00] On this episode of the Flophouse, guess who lives next door?

[0:04] Um, some sort of boy?

[0:07] And a MILF.

[0:09] To each other, in the boy next door to the MILF.

[0:14] Thanks, guys.

[0:30] Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:45] What's up, Dan McCoy? I'm Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:48] Hey, guys. I'm Elliot Kalin, and I'm feeling pretty sleepy, so watch out.

Stuart Wellington

[0:52] So here and tired.

[0:53] Okay.

Elliott Kalan

[0:54] If we were one of the seven dwarves, we'd be...

[0:58] Doc.

[0:59] What?

[1:00] Surprise.

[1:01] Surprise. He was an arcoleptic.

[1:04] Sleepy actually had medication that he took to keep himself away.

[1:07] And he was the only one who was actually a doctor. Weird, huh?

[1:10] Strange, strange.

[1:11] It's a real Greenland-Iceland scenario.

[1:12] Yep. Sleepy was the doctor, and Doc was the sleepy guy.

[1:15] Meanwhile, Dopey was pretty grumpy, and Grumpy, kind of a dope.

[1:20] Friendship bear? Not that friendly.

[1:22] Wait.

[1:23] Ellaroo was an elephant and a kangaroo. What's that all about?

[1:28] What's that, a Wuzzle?

[1:29] Yeah, Wuzzle.

[1:30] Yeah.

[1:30] And Friendship Bear was a...

[1:32] Half-wolf.

[1:33] Was a...

[1:34] What, that serial killer?

[1:35] Half-wolf.

[1:36] Yep.

[1:36] Half-muzzle.

[1:39] Half-muzzle?

[1:41] Half-Wolfgang Peterson?

[1:44] Half-guzzle?

Dan McCoy

[1:47] Yeah.

[1:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:48] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:48] Yeah.

[1:48] So, tonight, we...

[1:50] What do we do on this podcast, Dan?

[1:52] Hold on.

[1:53] Rerack.

Elliott Kalan

[1:55] Let's rewind that.

[1:56] Blah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah-lah.

Dan McCoy

[1:59] This is a show where we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it.

[2:03] Yeah.

[2:03] Like, three friends squawking in your ears.

[2:05] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[2:06] Or three chickens.

[2:08] Clucking around the farmyard.

Dan McCoy

[2:11] About that movie that they watched.

[2:12] Yeah.

[2:12] They snuck into because they're chickens.

[2:14] They didn't pay because they're chickens.

Elliott Kalan

[2:15] Well, they tried to pay, but the theater wouldn't take kernels of corn.

Stuart Wellington

[2:20] Yeah.

[2:21] That is Gonzo's favorite movie theater to go to.

[2:24] Because it's full of chicks.

Elliott Kalan

[2:25] Because he loves chickens.

[2:27] He loves chickens.

[2:27] He has...

[2:28] Just whatever one has chickens.

[2:29] Yeah, because he has sex with them.

Stuart Wellington

[2:30] Yeah.

[2:31] I like how you asked me, almost like I had a hot inside tip.

[2:35] Like I'm the guy from TMZ telling you where to find Gonzo in a movie theater.

Elliott Kalan

[2:42] Yeah, I got exclusive footage of Gonzo on a date of the movies.

[2:45] A date with Camilla.

[2:47] Parker Bowles.

[2:51] The chicken version.

Dan McCoy

[2:53] So...

Stuart Wellington

[2:54] So for those of you listening at home, my character is wearing jeans.

[2:59] My hair is tussled handsomely.

[3:04] I'm smiling.

[3:05] Yep.

[3:05] You can't describe yourself as having handsomely tussled hair.

[3:09] But he does.

[3:10] Take a look at it, Dan.

[3:11] I've got a...

[3:12] I'm wearing a hoodie.

[3:13] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] Now...

[3:15] Smells like popcorn.

[3:16] If I could describe my character, from the waist down, it's all tentacles.

[3:20] From the waist up, it's like that tree monster from that old Saturday morning cartoon where

[3:25] it was the people fighting the monsters.

[3:28] Yeah.

[3:28] No, it's not Groot.

[3:29] It was like the subhumanoids or something like that.

[3:32] And my head looks like George Clooney in his prime.

[3:36] Yeah.

[3:37] Except all of my hair is worms.

Dan McCoy

[3:39] And if I could describe myself, I'm handsomer and cooler than you assholes think.

[3:44] But in your head, I'm gonna be some boring, bland guy.

Elliott Kalan

[3:47] And in front of me, where my eyes see you.

[3:49] Oh, boy.

Stuart Wellington

[3:51] You just got lumped into asshole territory.

[3:53] Yeah.

[3:54] Uncharted.

[3:55] Population, everybody but Dan.

Elliott Kalan

[3:58] And it just says on the map, a big blank area labeled, here be assholes.

[4:04] So...

[4:05] So with that picture fresh in your mind.

[4:07] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[4:07] Now imagine us watching a movie.

Elliott Kalan

[4:09] And what movie did we watch, which we will now talk about, Daniel?

Dan McCoy

[4:12] We watched The Boy Next Door.

Elliott Kalan

[4:14] We watched The Boy Next Door?

[4:15] Yeah, we keep telling him.

[4:16] We know we were babysitting?

Dan McCoy

[4:18] No, we spied on him.

[4:21] Like Jennifer Lopez did in the movie The Boy Next Door.

Elliott Kalan

[4:24] Oh, starring Jennifer Lopez.

Dan McCoy

[4:26] Yeah.

[4:26] J-Lo.

[4:27] Playing in...

Elliott Kalan

[4:28] Yep, J-E-L-L-O.

[4:32] It's just not dessert without J-Lo.

[4:34] The gelatin treat that was also in the movie, Gilly.

[4:40] A.K.A. J-Lo.

[4:42] J-Lo.

[4:43] J-Lo is pretty jiggly.

[4:45] J-Lo is J-Lo in G-Lo.

Stuart Wellington

[4:48] You can never have enough J-Lo.

[4:51] There's always room for J-Lo.

[4:53] J-Lo was out of sight.

[4:55] U-turn.

Elliott Kalan

[4:56] I forgot she was in U-turn.

[4:59] So...

[5:00] Wait a minute.

[5:00] Yes, The Boy Next Door.

[5:02] We don't know about it.

[5:02] What about it?

[5:03] Well, Dan, this is a...

[5:05] This is an erotic thriller.

[5:05] This is a...

[5:06] I guess.

[5:06] Speaking of erotic thrillers...

[5:09] That's not where I was going.

[5:10] The movie we watched...

[5:11] Consequence.

[5:13] I don't know.

[5:14] Is that where we're going for?

[5:15] Night Eyes 4.

[5:17] So...

[5:18] Strip to Kill.

[5:20] Animal Instinct.

[5:21] Sexual Response.

[5:23] Yep.

[5:24] Sexual Response.

[5:26] What the...

[5:26] Erotic Thriller.

[5:28] It's called...

[5:29] Boobs Half in Shadow.

Dan McCoy

[5:33] Strip Kill 4.

[5:35] Revenge of the Strip Killer.

Elliott Kalan

[5:37] Deadly Intentions.

[5:39] Woman Who Changes Her Underwear

[5:40] in Front of an Open Window.

[5:41] The movie.

Dan McCoy

[5:43] It's called Thong Stab.

Elliott Kalan

[5:44] The movie.

[5:45] Thong Stab.

[5:47] Something that a caveman yells at you

[5:49] when he lunges with his obsidian axe.

[5:51] So...

[5:53] I was not going to say

[5:54] Erotic Thriller before.

[5:57] Although it was my favorite genre of movie

[5:59] when I was 13.

[6:00] When I learned the code in the TV guide

[6:02] which is if the movie is listed as having nudity

[6:05] that's a waste of your time.

[6:06] But if it's listed as having sexual situations

[6:08] there's going to be a lot of nudity in that.

[6:11] And if it stars one of the two Shannons

[6:13] worry or tweed

[6:14] then you are off to the races my friend.

[6:16] Yeah.

[6:17] If it has the words

[6:17] Indecent Instinct Animal Obsession

[6:21] private, basic, personal, or erotic

[6:25] then you're in the title

[6:27] then you're doing okay.

[6:28] So that's a recipe for

Stuart Wellington

[6:29] an hour to an hour and a half

[6:31] of you watching this movie in the dark

[6:33] checking over your shoulder

[6:34] to make sure nobody comes in through the door.

Elliott Kalan

[6:36] Exactly.

[6:37] Make sure my parents are not standing there.

[6:39] Come down the basement.

Stuart Wellington

[6:40] You're holding a giant cape

[6:41] that says first jack off.

Elliott Kalan

[6:45] With a penis shaped candle.

[6:48] What a weird civilization

[6:50] this would be

[6:51] if we celebrated

[6:53] a boy's first masturbating

[6:55] with a penis shaped cake.

[6:57] Yeah.

[6:58] Today you are not a man

[6:59] but you are on your way

[7:01] to having a misunderstanding

[7:02] of what it's like to be a man.

[7:03] That's the world I want to live in.

[7:06] Well, be the change you want to be.

[7:08] Do you want to see, Dan?

[7:10] I don't have any children of my own.

[7:11] I feel like if I just gave my kid

[7:12] There's a reason for that.

[7:13] I'm not a random kid.

[7:14] It would be even...

[7:15] You just walk up to a 13-year-old

[7:17] and you're like,

[7:17] you look like you're jerking it.

[7:19] Here, take this cake.

[7:20] It's the boy next door.

[7:21] Speaking of the boy next door,

[7:22] it is a three-peat return

[7:24] for the director of the movie,

[7:25] Rob Cohen,

[7:26] who has previously directed

[7:27] two other Flophouse movies,

[7:29] Stealth,

[7:30] the first ever Flophouse movie.

Stuart Wellington

[7:31] The movie that was so great,

[7:35] we had to create this great

[7:36] Flopcast that goes on forever

[7:39] and it's the rest of my life,

[7:40] I suppose.

Elliott Kalan

[7:41] And also Alex Cross,

[7:42] starring Tyler Perry

[7:43] as Alex Cross

[7:44] in Alex Cross.

[7:46] Don't count Alex Cross

[7:48] out of this one.

[7:49] Mm-hmm.

[7:50] Cross him off the list

[7:51] of Alex's.

Dan McCoy

[7:54] Yeah.

[7:56] Cross.

[7:56] So, Dan,

Elliott Kalan

[7:58] was it clear

[7:58] and Stuart,

[7:59] was it clear

[7:59] from the way this movie was made

[8:00] that it was from the producer

[8:02] of Monster Squad?

Dan McCoy

[8:04] Oh, yeah.

[8:05] There was a lot of,

[8:06] um,

[8:08] Yeah.

[8:09] being in a,

[8:09] a house

[8:11] in the suburbs.

[8:12] Fair.

[8:12] Okay.

[8:13] That's like the Monster Squad.

[8:14] Yep.

[8:15] That's exactly like the Monster Squad.

[8:16] There was less Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[8:18] On a scale of zero to Dracula,

[8:20] it gets a zero.

[8:21] Yeah.

[8:23] Should we talk about

[8:24] what this movie's about?

Stuart Wellington

[8:25] Although,

[8:25] I do remember

[8:26] Monster Squad features

[8:27] a great scene

[8:28] of guys peeping on a girl.

[8:30] Yeah.

[8:30] show kind of,

[8:31] this movie kind of does that.

[8:32] It had some peeping.

Dan McCoy

[8:33] Yeah,

[8:34] but it was,

[8:34] it was a lady peeping

[8:35] on a man for once.

[8:36] It was kind of a once.

[8:37] Am I right, guys?

[8:39] Turn it around.

[8:39] Turn the table.

[8:43] I can't tell.

[8:44] Ladies can peep too.

Elliott Kalan

[8:45] I can't tell

[8:46] if you're being a feminist,

[8:47] if you're being feminist

[8:48] or you're telling

[8:49] all the ladies out there

[8:50] they should be peeping at you.

[8:51] Yeah, take a look.

[8:52] Because you,

[8:52] you're a piece of meat too,

[8:53] damn it.

[8:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[8:55] Come on.

[8:55] Yep, is that why

[8:56] when you go to the beach?

[8:56] What am I, chopped liver?

[8:57] Yeah, when you go to the beach

[8:58] to show off there.

[8:59] Good gander.

[9:00] When you go to the beach

Stuart Wellington

[9:01] to show off your body

[9:02] you put on some mirror shades

[9:03] so people,

[9:04] so women have their gaze

[9:05] reflected back at them

[9:06] and they're turned to stone.

[9:09] Is he at Medusa Beach?

[9:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[9:12] Not a great beach.

Dan McCoy

[9:14] That was a really good

[9:15] 1980s Greek sex comedy.

Elliott Kalan

[9:17] Medusa Beach.

[9:18] Yeah.

[9:19] She had a bikini

[9:20] and all her snakes

[9:21] had swim caps on them.

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] Speaking of Greek sex comedies,

[9:23] Yeah, they mention

Elliott Kalan

[9:24] the Iliad in this.

Stuart Wellington

[9:26] And the star of

[9:27] My Big Fat Greek Weddings

[9:28] in this too.

Elliott Kalan

[9:30] Now I kind of want to see him.

Stuart Wellington

[9:32] The guy,

[9:33] the guy from,

Dan McCoy

[9:33] Oh yeah.

[9:34] John Corbett.

[9:35] Wasn't he in,

Elliott Kalan

[9:35] wasn't he in the

[9:36] Fat Wedding movie?

[9:37] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:37] The Greek wedding,

[9:38] he was in the

[9:39] Sex and City

[9:40] and he was in

[9:40] the Northern Exposure.

Elliott Kalan

[9:42] But he doesn't even have

[9:43] the starring role in this

[9:44] so I don't know

[9:44] why we're talking about him.

[9:45] Although I do want to see

[9:46] a movie now called,

[9:47] called Bikini,

[9:48] Bikini Iliad.

[9:51] Where it's just like

[9:51] the Iliad but it's kind of

[9:52] like a bikini comedy.

[9:54] Here's another tip

[9:54] for the 13 year olds

[9:56] listening to this podcast

[9:57] and then going to watch

[9:58] HBO in the year 1995.

[10:01] If it's got bikini

[10:02] in the title,

[10:03] also a good bet.

[10:04] Yeah.

[10:04] You'll see it on HBO

[10:05] with the nudity

[10:06] and on USA Up All Night

[10:07] without the nudity.

[10:08] And you know what?

[10:09] In some ways it's going to be

[10:09] more fun on USA Up All Night.

Stuart Wellington

[10:11] And you might see the word

[10:12] school in that title

[10:13] and you'd think,

[10:14] ugh, school, that sucks.

[10:16] But there's a decent chance

[10:17] that school's going to

[10:18] feature nudity.

[10:19] Yeah.

[10:20] Because the only thing

Elliott Kalan

[10:21] these students are learning

[10:24] about is boobs

[10:25] and they're all getting

[10:26] double Ds.

Dan McCoy

[10:27] Particularly if it's

[10:28] a bikini school

[10:29] or it's Virgin Academy

[10:31] or...

[10:32] Virgin Academy?

[10:33] Well, I think that was

[10:35] the name of an actual movie.

Elliott Kalan

[10:36] I'm not familiar

[10:37] with that one.

Stuart Wellington

[10:37] You know, I mean like...

[10:39] I'm glad you...

[10:40] An actual movie.

[10:41] I'm glad you're a movie.

[10:41] Accredited.

[10:42] Let me...

Dan McCoy

[10:43] From the movie guild.

[10:45] Let me clue you into

[10:45] dramatic irony.

[10:47] A lot of people

[10:48] at Virgin Academy

[10:49] not virgins.

Elliott Kalan

[10:50] Is that dramatic irony?

[10:52] It sounds like

[10:52] a mistitled film.

Dan McCoy

[10:54] You know, I mean it's just,

[10:55] you know, that's the twist.

[10:58] Sure.

[10:59] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[10:59] They're looking to lose

[11:00] their virgin.

[11:00] That's the big twist.

[11:01] That's that guy

[11:01] Malone's big reveal

[11:02] at the Virgin Academy.

Elliott Kalan

[11:04] Yeah.

[11:04] Is that they're not virgins.

[11:07] Anyway, let's talk about

[11:09] what happened in

[11:10] The Boy Next Door,

[11:10] the movie we watched.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] I had lost my maidenhead

[11:12] all along, they say.

[11:14] Anyway, go on.

Stuart Wellington

[11:17] A little overly...

[11:18] They've been focusing

[11:19] too much on drama class.

Elliott Kalan

[11:20] No, no, they shout it

[11:21] to the heavens.

[11:23] The movie is the story

[11:24] of one Claire Peterson

[11:25] played by Jennifer Lopez

[11:27] or J-Lo,

[11:28] as she's also known.

[11:30] She is an English teacher

[11:32] who teaches specifically

[11:33] the classics,

[11:34] as she says

[11:35] over and over again.

[11:36] Which ones?

[11:38] Well, the Greek classics.

[11:40] Like what?

[11:41] Like the Iliad and the Odyssey.

[11:42] Okay.

[11:43] And I guess like

[11:43] the greats of Greek theater.

[11:46] The Oresteia?

[11:46] Maybe.

[11:48] Well, that's Roman, isn't it?

[11:51] Oh, no, no.

[11:51] I'm thinking of something else.

[11:52] I'm sorry.

[11:53] They know that Oresteia is Greek,

[11:54] I think, yeah,

[11:54] because it's the story of Orestes.

[11:56] Sure.

[11:56] Orestes' development.

[11:58] This is the story of a family

[11:59] in ancient Greece

[12:01] made of warriors

[12:02] and they all end up

[12:03] killing each other.

[12:04] This is Orestes' development.

[12:06] Ba-dum!

[12:07] George Michael Orestes

[12:08] walked into work one day

[12:10] with a problem.

[12:11] That's pretty good.

[12:12] Anyway,

[12:13] so, you're right,

[12:15] I think the Oresteia

[12:15] would be in there.

[12:16] And probably Roman classics, too.

[12:18] She teaches the Aeneid.

[12:20] Just couldn't do it.

[12:23] Alyssistrata.

[12:24] Sure.

[12:24] The frogs.

[12:26] These are all also

[12:27] ancient texts.

[12:29] Yeah, I got it.

[12:30] I got it, guys.

[12:31] Yeah.

[12:32] All right.

[12:32] Keep going.

[12:33] Keep coming up

[12:33] with more examples

[12:34] in your head,

[12:34] but don't say them out loud.

[12:35] Like Claire Peterson.

[12:38] She separated from her husband,

[12:39] Garrett,

[12:40] because he had an affair.

[12:41] Garrett Morris?

[12:43] No.

[12:43] You didn't ask him out?

[12:44] Nope.

[12:45] He seems like

[12:45] such a straight shooter, right?

[12:46] Well, no, he wasn't.

[12:47] He had serious drug problems.

[12:50] And her best friend

[12:51] is the vice principal

[12:52] of the school, Vicky,

[12:53] played by Christian Chenoweth,

[12:54] who does not sing in this movie.

[12:56] And she has a son.

[12:58] Well,

[12:58] and all this is told to us

[13:00] in about three and a half minutes

[13:01] at the beginning of the movie,

[13:02] so I was like,

[13:02] this movie is moving pretty fast.

Stuart Wellington

[13:04] Shot in a variety of locations,

[13:05] including a barn

[13:06] with a giant engine block

[13:08] suspended up in the air.

Elliott Kalan

[13:09] Yeah, it felt like

[13:10] we were watching,

[13:11] I wouldn't have been surprised

[13:12] if a voice said,

[13:13] previously on,

[13:14] the boy next door,

[13:15] and then he just showed us

[13:16] all these scenes.

[13:16] But then the movie bogs down hard

[13:18] with the introduction of

[13:19] Noah Sandborn,

[13:21] who is the titular

[13:23] boy next door,

[13:24] who's living...

[13:25] Speaking of hard bogs.

[13:27] What?

[13:28] Yes,

[13:28] that guy is ripped

[13:30] with bogs.

Stuart Wellington

[13:31] Bog is the hardest.

Elliott Kalan

[13:34] Which is, I guess...

[13:35] I'm going to say,

[13:35] the first bog is the hardest,

[13:36] like the song says.

Stuart Wellington

[13:38] No.

[13:38] Well, he's covered in muscle lumps.

Elliott Kalan

[13:41] Yeah, muscle lumps.

[13:43] It's like the worst

[13:44] cartoon character

[13:45] for kids.

[13:47] It's some kind of

[13:47] super buff cat.

[13:50] Some kind of protein

[13:51] breakfast cereal.

[13:53] Called muscle lumps.

[13:55] Are your kids

[13:56] not jacked enough?

[13:58] Try muscle lumps.

[14:00] It all goes back

[14:01] to jacking around here.

[14:03] I meant jacked,

[14:04] like, anyway, forget it.

[14:05] So, here...

[14:05] So, Noah lives next door

[14:07] with his uncle?

[14:09] Granddad?

[14:10] He lives with an old man

[14:11] played by the police chief

[14:12] from Eagle Heart,

[14:13] who, as we first see

[14:14] in a motorized wheelchair,

[14:15] which is always moving forward.

[14:17] Even when it seems like

[14:18] there is no more room

[14:19] for him to continue

[14:20] moving forward.

Dan McCoy

[14:21] Yeah, there's a...

[14:21] He's moving forward,

[14:22] then there's a cut,

[14:23] and he seems to have

[14:23] jumped backwards

[14:24] when he moves forward

[14:25] over the same...

Elliott Kalan

[14:26] It's a continuity error

[14:28] that would have been

[14:29] hilarious if they just

[14:30] kept going with it.

[14:31] That's to indicate

Stuart Wellington

[14:32] that the viewer

[14:32] has taken a step back

[14:34] cautiously.

Elliott Kalan

[14:35] Now, Noah enters the picture

[14:37] in dramatic fashion.

[14:39] There's a problem

[14:39] with the garage door opener,

[14:41] and Jennifer Lopez decides

[14:42] she's going to go

[14:44] with the great strategy of,

[14:46] allow me to stand

[14:47] under the garage door

[14:48] and push it up

[14:49] while you,

[14:50] my 15-year-old son,

[14:51] who is by all accounts

[14:52] a total noodle,

[14:53] will just, like,

[14:54] pull a rope that pulls it up.

[14:56] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[14:57] And I've seen enough

[14:58] Final Destination movies

[14:59] to know that is a terrible setup.

[15:01] Oh, she's getting crushed

[15:02] to death.

[15:02] She's getting chopped

[15:03] in half cleanly.

[15:05] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[15:06] Like, I had a garage door

[15:07] of this type growing up,

[15:11] and...

[15:11] Bragger.

[15:12] Jennifer Lopez would not have

[15:13] been crushed beneath

[15:14] the garage door.

[15:15] She would have been

[15:16] split in two.

[15:17] Had the guy not come in.

Elliott Kalan

[15:18] Well, the movie seeks

[15:19] to tell us differently, Dan,

[15:20] because she seems to be

[15:21] in deadly danger

[15:23] until Noah comes in,

[15:24] with his super buff

[15:25] muscle lumps,

[15:27] pushes the door up,

[15:28] thus saving her life.

[15:30] Hmm.

[15:30] So, I guess you,

[15:32] the movie...

Dan McCoy

[15:32] I guess that movie

[15:33] proved me wrong.

Elliott Kalan

[15:33] Yeah, you owe the movie

[15:34] an apology.

Dan McCoy

[15:35] I'm sorry,

[15:35] the boy next door.

Elliott Kalan

[15:36] Uh, Noah is somewhere,

[15:38] I couldn't...

[15:39] What was he,

[15:40] like 19 years old

[15:40] or something?

Stuart Wellington

[15:41] He said just shy of 20.

[15:42] They put that,

[15:43] they threw that in

[15:44] as early as possible.

[15:45] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] Yeah.

[15:46] And, uh,

[15:46] but he's also gone

[15:47] back to high school

[15:48] because he was an accident

[15:49] of some kind.

[15:50] And, uh,

[15:51] he becomes close to Claire

[15:53] and her son, Kevin.

[15:55] Uh, he talks about

[15:56] how much he loves

[15:57] the Iliad

[15:58] and starts talking about

[15:59] how much,

[16:00] how important Achilles

[16:01] is to him as a character

[16:02] because he feels

[16:04] his feelings

[16:04] without letting anything

[16:05] get in the way of them.

[16:07] Meanwhile,

[16:08] Garrett,

[16:08] the dad,

[16:09] comes back

[16:10] and takes Kevin

[16:10] on a camping trip.

[16:12] But J-Lo

[16:13] is a no-go

[16:14] for this camp...

Dan McCoy

[16:17] Pogo?

[16:18] I don't...

[16:18] Oh, yeah, sure.

[16:19] Sorry, I just,

[16:20] you seemed like

[16:20] you needed a rhyme.

[16:21] No, I appreciate it.

Stuart Wellington

[16:22] And all in,

[16:23] this happens all...

[16:23] She's still suspicious

[16:24] that her husband

[16:25] has other,

Elliott Kalan

[16:26] has other women on the side.

[16:28] Her husband had a,

[16:28] had a woman on the side

[16:29] in San Francisco

[16:30] and when he tells her

[16:31] he has a business trip

[16:32] in San Francisco,

[16:33] oh boy,

[16:35] is she not happy.

[16:36] And her friend Vicky

[16:37] keeps telling her,

[16:38] hey, he's bad news,

[16:40] kick him to the curb,

[16:41] girlfriend, you know.

[16:41] She's going up there

Dan McCoy

[16:42] to fuck Catraz.

[16:45] You know what I'm saying?

Elliott Kalan

[16:46] Yep, yep.

[16:46] That's what it is.

[16:47] I know exactly

[16:48] what you're saying.

[16:50] Some sort of sex prison.

[16:54] Again,

[16:54] a title,

[16:55] if you saw it,

[16:56] the TV Guide,

[16:56] set up a tape.

Dan McCoy

[16:57] It's gonna go to the

[16:58] hate fuckbury district.

Elliott Kalan

[17:01] Not even hate assbury?

[17:03] Ah, okay, yeah.

Dan McCoy

[17:05] Assbury sounds like,

[17:07] I don't care for what that sounds like.

Elliott Kalan

[17:10] Okay, then, well,

Dan McCoy

[17:12] what about the,

[17:14] I'm recovering from cold listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[17:16] Let's just go with the astro district.

[17:18] How about that?

[17:19] Sure.

[17:20] Instead of Castro.

[17:21] Mm-hmm, sure.

Dan McCoy

[17:23] I mean,

[17:23] it makes it sound like space,

[17:25] but.

Elliott Kalan

[17:25] Oh, God, okay,

[17:26] he's having space sex

[17:27] with his mistress.

[17:29] His mistress who,

Stuart Wellington

[17:31] according to an email,

[17:33] smells like cookies.

[17:34] That matters because

[17:35] cookies is regularly,

[17:36] or regularly referred to

[17:38] in.

Elliott Kalan

[17:38] This movie is.

[17:39] As for,

[17:40] as a euphemous.

[17:41] This movie is under

[17:42] the mistaken assumption

[17:42] that people find cookies

[17:44] unbearably erotic.

[17:45] That there is no more

[17:47] erotic food

[17:47] or object

[17:49] than a chocolate chip cookie.

[17:50] Now,

[17:51] I love chocolate chip cookies.

[17:52] Let's just,

[17:52] I'll just say it.

[17:53] I'm not,

[17:53] I'm not proud.

[17:54] I'll eat them all the time.

[17:55] There's never a sexual element

[17:57] to it,

[17:57] you know?

[17:58] I'm not putting on airs here.

[17:59] I'll eat a Chips Ahoy

[18:01] just like your average

[18:02] Joe six-pack.

[18:03] You moonlit it.

[18:04] Working down a cookie gris, baby.

Dan McCoy

[18:05] All over a Chips Ahoy

[18:06] like no man.

Elliott Kalan

[18:07] This is where

[18:08] the misconception comes in.

[18:09] Hold on.

[18:10] My dealings with the Chips Ahoy

[18:12] are entirely a mouth,

[18:13] stomach,

[18:14] anus-based relationship.

[18:16] And the anus is purely

[18:17] for the release

[18:17] of whatever waste

[18:18] of the cookie I don't want.

Stuart Wellington

[18:20] It's not for gratification.

Elliott Kalan

[18:21] Not at all.

[18:22] There's no sexual aspect

[18:23] whatsoever.

Stuart Wellington

[18:24] nutrients your body

[18:25] doesn't use

Elliott Kalan

[18:26] out of a chocolate chip cookie.

[18:27] Just expel them.

[18:28] That's what I say.

[18:29] Why hold on to them?

[18:30] Why be a cookie-mizer?

[18:31] Just get rid of them,

[18:32] you know?

[18:32] Yeah,

[18:33] squirt it out

[18:33] into some kind of

[18:34] owl pellet sort of thing.

[18:35] Just put it,

[18:36] yeah,

[18:36] get it out in an owl pellet.

[18:37] I mean,

[18:38] owls regurgitate their pellets,

[18:39] so that's a little different.

[18:41] And then just like

[18:42] bury it in the garden

[18:43] for fertilizer,

[18:43] you know?

[18:44] And you get a cookie tree.

[18:45] That's how it works,

[18:46] right?

[18:47] Yeah.

[18:48] Yep.

[18:50] Perhaps I've said too much.

[18:51] There's no sexual element

[18:52] to cookies.

[18:53] But anyway,

[18:53] this movie thinks there is.

[18:55] So she,

[18:55] this all happens in one night

[18:57] that Claire,

[18:58] while getting dressed,

[18:59] I guess,

[19:00] sees,

[19:01] and by this point,

[19:02] Noah has,

[19:03] the boy next door,

[19:04] has already

[19:05] been a little saucy

[19:07] with her,

[19:08] but in an innocent,

[19:09] boys just trying to flatter

[19:10] the lady kind of way.

[19:12] And he has also,

[19:14] tell her how sexy she is.

[19:15] Yeah,

[19:16] and I think by this point

[19:16] he has also done

[19:18] the famous moment

[19:19] that was on the internets

[19:20] everywhere,

[19:20] of giving her a first edition

[19:22] of the Iliad.

[19:23] Whoa!

[19:24] As a gift.

[19:25] Now,

[19:25] here's what may surprise you

[19:26] about it.

[19:27] The first edition is

[19:28] a hardcover book,

[19:29] not a scroll,

[19:29] and is in English

[19:31] and not ancient Greek.

Dan McCoy

[19:32] Yeah,

[19:33] I mean,

[19:33] like we don't,

[19:33] I mean,

[19:34] like is it a first edition

[19:35] of a certain translation?

Elliott Kalan

[19:36] It could be of a certain printing,

[19:37] but it is,

[19:38] it is clearly stupid flawed.

[19:40] I mean,

[19:40] I would imagine if it was

Elliott Kalan

[19:40] like the first edition

Stuart Wellington

[19:41] of the,

[19:41] like if it was

[19:42] the Faggles translation,

[19:43] that would make sense

[19:44] because that's probably

[19:45] what they're teaching

[19:46] in that class.

[19:47] Or the Squaggles translation.

[19:48] Who's that?

Elliott Kalan

[19:49] It's a bagel,

[19:50] but it's square,

[19:51] and it translated the Iliad.

[19:54] But it's a,

[19:54] it's not as dumb

[19:56] as the internet makes it

[19:57] out to seem,

[19:57] but it's pretty dumb.

[19:58] Yeah.

[19:59] It's,

[19:59] even if they,

[20:00] she just put in like

[20:01] a first edition

[20:01] of the da-da-da printing

[20:03] or a first edition

[20:04] of the da-da-da translation,

[20:06] but instead she just says

[20:06] first edition

[20:07] and you're left to think,

[20:08] is the movie so dumb

[20:09] that it thinks

[20:10] this is a first edition

[20:11] of the Iliad?

[20:12] Or does it think,

Dan McCoy

[20:12] or published it

[20:13] through like,

[20:14] you know,

[20:14] like random halves?

Elliott Kalan

[20:15] Or does it think,

[20:16] I'm so dumb

[20:17] that this is a first edition?

Stuart Wellington

[20:19] Now does,

[20:19] is the movie trying

[20:20] to tell us

[20:21] that it's crazy

[20:22] that a teenager

[20:22] is into the Iliad

[20:24] or that like

[20:25] a hunky teenager

[20:26] is into the Iliad?

[20:27] Because like,

[20:28] I was way into

[20:29] that Greek myth bullshit

[20:30] when I was like,

[20:31] a kid.

[20:32] Yeah, me too.

[20:33] It's all monsters.

[20:34] Yeah, way before I was a hunk.

[20:36] Back when you were a chunk.

[20:37] Yeah, but I was in,

[20:38] yeah,

[20:39] I refer to it

[20:40] as my larval stage,

[20:41] Shane.

Elliott Kalan

[20:42] That's the name

[20:43] of your new bio,

[20:44] from chunk to hunk

[20:46] with a pit stop at lunk.

[20:48] Yep.

[20:49] I think Chris Pratt's

[20:50] already taken it.

[20:53] So,

[20:54] but it's,

[20:54] this all happens,

[20:55] what happens in one night

[20:56] is one,

[20:57] Claire is trying on shoes

[20:59] and accidentally

[21:00] in her pajamas.

[21:02] So I thought

[21:02] she was going to bed

[21:03] and she peeps

[21:04] through the window

[21:05] and sees Noah

[21:06] taking off his clothes

[21:07] and catches sight

[21:08] of his butt.

[21:09] Yeah,

[21:09] this is where

[21:10] the female gaze

[21:10] I was talking about

[21:11] comes into play.

Dan McCoy

[21:12] There's a lot more of,

[21:13] She totally takes a peep

[21:15] at his tot,

[21:17] tot ass.

Elliott Kalan

[21:18] She becomes the,

[21:20] Tot ass.

[21:20] I don't like it

[21:21] and he becomes

[21:22] the object

[21:22] for her gaze

[21:24] except,

[21:25] except that then

[21:27] he turns around

[21:28] because he knows

[21:28] she's seen him

[21:29] and he likes it.

[21:30] Cut to,

[21:31] she's walking

[21:32] to a double date

[21:33] with her friend Vicky

[21:34] and we were like,

[21:35] is this the same

[21:36] night?

[21:36] Friend co-worker.

[21:37] Friend slash co-worker.

[21:38] Flash,

[21:39] she's her superior

[21:40] at work I assume

[21:41] if she's a teacher

[21:42] and Vicky's the vice principal.

[21:43] They're at a Japanese restaurant

[21:45] where they're eating soup

[21:46] even though they haven't

[21:46] ordered yet.

[21:47] That's a fancy place.

[21:48] Yeah.

[21:49] Or it's unfancy

[21:50] and they just sat down

[21:51] at a table

[21:51] that hadn't been cleared yet

[21:52] and started eating

[21:53] the soup that was

[21:54] already there.

[21:56] They had a double date

[21:57] and the guy she's

[21:58] being matched up with

[21:59] is a total jerk.

[22:01] Doesn't believe

[22:02] the classics are worthwhile

[22:03] and leers

[22:04] at a waitress's boobs

[22:05] when he's on a date

Stuart Wellington

[22:07] with J-Lo.

[22:08] Maybe he was just

[22:09] so hungry

[22:09] because they haven't

[22:10] ordered yet

[22:11] and he's trying to get

[22:11] that waitress's attention.

[22:13] To eat a boob.

Elliott Kalan

[22:16] It's like,

[22:17] oh man,

[22:17] looks like two giant dumplings.

[22:19] You could really go

[22:19] for that right now.

Stuart Wellington

[22:21] Yeah.

[22:21] Two giant dumplings.

[22:23] Cookies.

[22:23] It's all food stuff around here.

Elliott Kalan

[22:24] It's all foods.

[22:26] So she storms out

[22:27] of the date

[22:27] and goes home.

[22:28] He's having a glass of wine

[22:29] when Noah calls

[22:30] and says,

[22:31] hey,

[22:31] I tried to cook a chicken.

[22:33] It didn't work out.

[22:34] Come over

[22:34] and cook this chicken with me.

[22:37] That's what women love.

Dan McCoy

[22:38] That's the come on

[22:39] that women love.

Elliott Kalan

[22:40] Hey, cook for me.

[22:41] Let's fix this.

[22:42] Come over to my house

[22:43] and cook.

[22:43] Come over to my house

[22:44] in the rain

[22:44] and cook for me.

Stuart Wellington

[22:46] Yeah,

[22:46] like an entire bird.

[22:47] That's not a short

[22:48] cooking process.

[22:50] No,

Elliott Kalan

[22:51] but he's not a short man.

[22:53] It's not like

Stuart Wellington

[22:53] they're going to spatchcock it.

[22:54] It takes a while.

[22:55] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[22:55] It's not a hard

[22:56] cooking process.

[22:57] I'll say this.

[22:57] No,

[22:58] that's not what I was saying.

[22:58] You're roasting it.

[22:59] You're just basically

[23:00] tossing it in the oven.

Elliott Kalan

[23:01] Toss it in your

[23:02] Kenny Rogers roaster

[23:03] and it pops out.

[23:04] I mean,

[23:05] Kenny Rogers roaster

[23:06] was a,

[23:06] the roaster was the chicken,

[23:08] not the oven.

[23:09] He didn't patent the technology?

[23:10] No.

[23:11] Because they were just

[23:12] using ovens

[23:13] and like rotisseries.

Stuart Wellington

[23:15] So what's he been

[23:16] spending all his money on?

[23:18] Chickens and not technology?

Elliott Kalan

[23:20] He's a gambler.

[23:21] He is.

[23:21] It's true.

[23:22] He said,

[23:23] I'll patent the chicken

[23:24] and unfortunately,

[23:26] millions of dollars

[23:26] in litigation later,

[23:27] he found you couldn't

[23:28] patent chickens

[23:29] because they predate

[23:30] human civilization.

[23:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[23:33] And Gonzo came in

[23:34] and he was like,

[23:35] he was like,

[23:35] that's my wife!

[23:36] You,

[23:36] you killed my wife!

Elliott Kalan

[23:38] Oh,

[23:38] but then they worked things out.

[23:39] Kenny Rogers became,

[23:41] would just,

[23:42] would arrange for Gonzo

[23:43] to have intimate affairs

[23:44] with different chickens.

[23:46] So did we already miss

[23:47] That's right.

[23:48] Kenny Rogers

[23:48] is a Muppet chicken pimp.

Dan McCoy

[23:51] So.

[23:52] You take that

[23:53] to the bank.

Elliott Kalan

[23:54] I don't know what,

[23:55] and the bank will say,

[23:56] sir,

[23:56] this is not money.

[23:57] This is some kind

[23:58] of dumb joke.

[24:01] For goods or services.

[24:02] This ludicrous situation

[24:03] is not currency,

[24:05] nor is it legal tender

[24:06] backed by any government,

[24:07] let alone gold.

[24:09] A precious metal.

Dan McCoy

[24:12] It'd be like,

[24:13] uh,

[24:13] but can I just get

[24:14] one of those suckers?

[24:16] Sure, sir.

[24:17] They're free for everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[24:19] Suckers.

[24:19] Are you,

[24:20] I know you're from Illinois,

[24:21] from Illinois.

[24:21] Did you grow up

[24:22] in like the 50s?

Dan McCoy

[24:24] What do you want,

[24:25] a lollipop?

[24:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[24:27] Let's call it by its name.

[24:29] Lollipop.

[24:31] A sucker.

[24:32] So at this point,

[24:33] a sucker is born

[24:34] every minute.

[24:35] If you only made

[24:35] one lollipop a minute,

[24:37] your business

[24:37] would go out of business.

[24:38] That fact,

[24:39] the factory output

[24:39] is way too low.

[24:41] Yeah.

[24:41] You know,

[24:42] that,

[24:42] yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[24:42] But you're charging

[24:43] $20 for one of these suckers.

[24:45] Oh yeah.

[24:46] They're really good.

[24:47] They're like

[24:47] chuppa chups times 10.

[24:49] And when you bite them,

[24:50] there's a Tootsie Roll inside.

[24:51] Oh,

[24:51] no kidding.

[24:52] So at this point in the movie,

[24:54] she's already,

[24:55] she's already thought about

[24:56] the young man

[24:57] and even like

[24:58] picked up a half-eaten cookie

[25:00] and sniffed it

[25:01] and then put it back down.

Elliott Kalan

[25:03] Hoping that there was

[25:04] a trace of him on it.

[25:05] Yeah.

[25:06] So she,

[25:06] so he calls her over

[25:07] to help him cook a chicken.

[25:09] They do,

[25:09] they eat it.

[25:10] And he starts

[25:11] flattering the hell out of her.

[25:14] Yeah.

[25:15] Things go a little too far.

[25:16] It's called a full court press.

[25:17] In that he presses himself

[25:20] against her

[25:21] while pressing her

[25:21] against a door jam.

[25:23] And they,

[25:24] they're door jamming.

[25:26] And she keeps saying,

[25:27] no, no,

[25:28] we can't do this.

[25:29] It's wrong.

[25:29] But his lips

[25:30] and his hands

[25:31] quickly have her

[25:32] out of her clothes

[25:33] and just in her underpants.

[25:35] And then he shows that

[25:36] even if he is

[25:37] pushing the boundaries

[25:38] because she said no

[25:39] and that's when a man should stop,

[25:41] that he is a very generous rapist

[25:42] in that he uses

[25:43] both his hands and mouth

[25:44] to pleasure her

[25:45] before he is pleasured.

[25:46] Like a classic high school kid.

[25:49] Just like any 19 year old man,

[25:51] he makes sure to give

[25:52] the girl he's with,

[25:53] I assume,

[25:54] two orgasms

[25:55] before they get to the sex.

Stuart Wellington

[25:56] Probably,

[25:57] yeah,

[25:57] like six before they get to the sex.

Elliott Kalan

[25:59] Yeah.

[25:59] She was begging him,

[26:00] please,

[26:01] no more.

[26:02] We've had enough.

[26:03] That's okay.

[26:04] But no,

[26:04] he just kept going.

[26:05] Yeah.

[26:06] They call him O-Man.

[26:09] What?

[26:09] He's a superhero

[26:10] with the power

[26:11] to be a generous lover.

[26:12] Okay.

[26:13] Nice.

[26:14] So she wakes up

[26:15] in his house

[26:16] and she is not happy about it.

[26:18] And he's like,

[26:19] hey,

[26:19] what's the problem?

[26:20] She's drunk on chicken.

[26:21] Coffee.

[26:22] He brings her coffee

[26:23] in his underpants

[26:24] and she's like,

[26:25] no,

[26:25] I have to go.

[26:26] And he gets super mad

[26:28] and punches a wall.

Dan McCoy

[26:29] I mean,

[26:29] I'll be honest,

[26:29] I'm going to tell

[26:30] the monkey punches her wall,

[26:31] he's being pretty nice.

Elliott Kalan

[26:32] That's true.

[26:32] I mean,

[26:33] he did kind of pressure her,

[26:35] he seduced her,

[26:36] but then he brings her coffee

[26:37] the next morning.

[26:38] And so you're saying

[26:39] it's her fault

[26:40] is what you're saying.

[26:40] No,

Dan McCoy

[26:40] I'm not saying it's her fault.

[26:41] I'm just saying that like,

[26:42] I agree with Stuart

[26:44] that like,

[26:44] the movie has her

[26:45] freaking out about it

[26:47] like earlier

[26:48] than his behavior

[26:50] would warrant

[26:52] the like,

[26:53] total freak out.

[26:54] I know he's like a young guy,

[26:55] but like,

[26:56] he looks so much older

[26:57] than he's supposed to be

[26:58] in the movie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:58] And he is legally an adult

[27:00] if he's almost 20.

[27:01] Like when he was like,

[27:03] is that the movie?

[27:05] He's actually a five-year-old,

[27:07] but he ages four times too fast.

Dan McCoy

[27:10] I mean,

[27:11] he turns out to be

[27:12] a total creepazoid.

[27:13] More than creepazoid,

[27:14] he turns out to be a sociopath

[27:16] or psychopath.

[27:16] There's no movie

[27:16] if he doesn't,

[27:17] but...

Elliott Kalan

[27:17] So,

[27:18] but she's like,

[27:19] oh,

[27:19] I,

[27:20] oh,

[27:21] and he's like,

[27:22] hey,

[27:22] what's the matter?

[27:24] But she runs off

[27:25] and,

[27:26] uh,

[27:26] Just uptown.

[27:28] The best coffee.

[27:30] This is,

[27:30] I hand ground this

[27:32] from the beans.

[27:34] You know where these beans

[27:35] came from?

[27:36] A civet's small intestine.

[27:38] That's right.

[27:38] These are civet coffee beans.

[27:40] Cat shit coffee.

[27:41] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[27:41] I drank,

[27:42] I drank a beer made

[27:43] out of that one time.

[27:44] How was it?

[27:44] It was pretty good.

[27:45] Could you really take...

[27:46] It got me drunk.

Dan McCoy

[27:47] Okay,

[27:48] mission accomplished then.

[27:49] I feel like that isn't,

[27:51] that's the lowest threshold

[27:52] for any alcoholic beverage.

Stuart Wellington

[27:54] I've,

[27:54] I've heard that,

[27:55] uh,

[27:55] the popularity of cat shit coffee

[27:57] is,

[27:58] uh,

[27:59] It's driving up the cost of cat poop.

[28:01] Well,

[28:01] no,

[28:01] it's actually,

[28:01] it's like,

[28:02] uh,

[28:03] it's fucking up the quality

[28:04] of that ingredient

[28:05] because those,

[28:07] those like weird weasels

[28:09] or whatever.

[28:10] Called civets.

[28:10] Yeah,

[28:10] those civets.

[28:12] Uh,

[28:12] the coffee was good

[28:13] because they would pick

[28:14] the best berries

[28:15] or whatever to eat,

[28:16] but now they're just being,

[28:17] like,

[28:18] force-fed

[28:18] whatever berries.

Elliott Kalan

[28:19] Just being fed

[28:20] like Lucky Charms.

Dan McCoy

[28:21] Yes,

[28:21] and they're shitting out,

[28:22] they're shitting out

[28:23] delicious coffee.

Elliott Kalan

[28:25] You pull on their tail

[28:26] and coffee squirts out.

[28:30] It's how it works.

[28:31] Cut out the middleman.

[28:33] Just drink the poop.

[28:34] Uh,

[28:36] okay,

[28:39] so,

[28:39] this,

[28:40] uh,

[28:40] things go from

[28:41] bad to worse

[28:42] when Noah joins Claire's class

[28:45] after hacking into her computer

[28:47] and forging an email

[28:49] requesting that he be moved

[28:50] to the class.

[28:51] Uh,

[28:52] but he comes in super enthusiastic

[28:54] about the subject.

[28:55] He's quoting stuff

[28:56] from the Iliad,

[28:58] I assume.

[28:58] I don't really remember

[28:59] the Iliad,

[28:59] that,

[29:00] the Iliad text that well,

[29:02] but,

[29:02] uh,

[29:03] he should be like

[29:03] the best student

[29:04] in the class.

[29:05] If anything,

[29:05] he deserves to be rewarded

[29:06] with sex from the teacher

[29:07] for knowing the material

[29:09] before he gets to class.

[29:10] He also is in the gym

[29:12] helping her son Kevin

[29:13] box.

[29:15] Now,

[29:15] at this point,

[29:15] he's gotten really good

[29:16] with her son Kevin.

[29:17] He's taught her how to,

[29:18] taught him how to change

[29:19] the alternator on a truck.

[29:21] Uh,

[29:21] he took him to a hardware store

[29:22] and helped him

[29:23] get in good with the girl

[29:25] that he has a crush on.

[29:26] The prettiest girl in school,

[29:27] Kevin says.

[29:28] Uh,

[29:29] so here,

[29:29] he's his like,

[29:31] boxing coach in the gym

[29:32] because...

Stuart Wellington

[29:33] Some kind of like,

[29:33] uh,

[29:33] father figure.

Elliott Kalan

[29:34] Yeah,

[29:35] because the high school

[29:35] has a boxing ring.

Stuart Wellington

[29:38] Yeah,

[29:38] yeah,

[29:38] it's,

[29:39] all the classics

[29:39] are represented.

[29:41] Greco-Roman wrestling,

[29:42] boxing.

[29:43] Yeah.

[29:44] Uh,

[29:44] the classics.

Elliott Kalan

[29:45] Teacher mobilization.

[29:47] And,

[29:47] uh,

[29:48] Kevin has some kind of,

[29:50] uh,

[29:50] asthmatic shock

[29:51] or something like that,

[29:52] or,

[29:52] and,

[29:53] uh,

[29:53] Noah has to

[29:54] stab him with an EpiPen

[29:56] to save his life.

[29:57] He then arranges

[29:58] to send some flowers.

[29:59] Noah seems like a pretty good guy,

[30:00] I gotta say.

[30:01] Claire,

[30:01] and then Claire receives

[30:02] some flowers

[30:03] and assumes they're from

[30:04] her estranged husband.

[30:05] And she calls him

[30:06] and she's like,

[30:07] hey,

[30:07] they're beautiful.

[30:08] He's like,

[30:08] what are the flowers?

[30:11] What flowers?

[30:12] Like,

[30:13] he doesn't even take

[30:13] the first hint

[30:14] that he should be like,

[30:14] oh yeah,

[30:15] the flowers I sent you.

[30:16] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[30:17] Stuart's like,

[30:18] come on,

[30:18] John Corbett,

[30:19] be cool, man.

Stuart Wellington

[30:20] Instead,

[30:21] he's like,

[30:21] I thought you were a cheater,

[30:22] dude.

[30:22] That's how she caught you,

Elliott Kalan

[30:23] man.

[30:23] You gotta lie better.

[30:25] He is the

[30:26] dopiest adulterer.

[30:27] And in fact,

[30:27] I would have liked to see a movie

[30:28] about his adventures

[30:29] called The Dopiest Adulterer.

[30:31] James Jones

[30:31] and The Dopiest Adulterer.

[30:32] It's not a Disney movie,

[30:34] but I'll go with it.

[30:35] He can't get his act together.

[30:37] How does he have

[30:37] such a successful

[30:38] extramatural affair?

[30:39] What's going on?

[30:40] Disney in the 60s

[30:41] was weird.

[30:42] They were way more open

[30:43] to things.

[30:44] Remember,

[30:44] like that short

[30:46] Goofy's Love In?

Dan McCoy

[30:49] It was one of those

[30:50] instructional shorts

[30:51] where the narrator

[30:52] is talking about

[30:53] how you have

[30:53] a successful love

[30:54] and Goofy

[30:55] cannot get it together.

Elliott Kalan

[30:56] A group grope?

[30:57] Now that's not

[30:58] a group grope,

[31:00] Goofy.

[31:00] You're just grabbing

[31:01] yourself.

[31:03] And then for some reason,

[31:05] half of it is about

[31:05] golf swings.

[31:06] Yeah.

[31:08] Sex swings

[31:08] and golf swings.

[31:09] Goofy in the 60s.

[31:10] That's the documentary

[31:11] I'm working on.

[31:14] About those

[31:15] instructional cartoons.

[31:17] Oh, Goofy.

[31:18] Which were my favorite

[31:19] Disney cartoons

[31:20] as a kid.

[31:20] Not my favorite cartoons.

[31:21] All my favorite cartoons

[31:22] were Warner Brothers cartoons.

[31:23] I think because

[31:24] there was a premise

[31:25] that had jokes

[31:26] coming out of it,

[31:27] whereas the other

[31:28] Disney cartoons,

[31:28] I was like,

[31:29] I don't buy these characters

[31:30] hanging out with each other.

[31:31] They're all just like

[31:32] making barnyard music

[31:33] and stuff.

[31:35] How many times

[31:35] they have to move

[31:37] a piano?

Stuart Wellington

[31:38] My favorites

[31:40] were always

[31:40] the one where

[31:41] the guys would drink

[31:42] the gummy berry juice

[31:43] and just go fucking crazy.

Dan McCoy

[31:45] I mean,

[31:46] that was just

[31:46] called gummy bears.

Elliott Kalan

[31:48] They would just

[31:49] bounce around

[31:50] here and there

[31:51] and everywhere.

Dan McCoy

[31:52] Yeah,

[31:53] it was all about

[31:53] those guys.

[31:54] They were fighting

[31:55] a duke

Elliott Kalan

[31:55] for some reason.

[31:58] It was medieval

[31:59] situation.

[32:00] It was such

[32:01] a weird cartoon.

[32:02] There's nothing

[32:03] about it that's

[32:04] organic to the premise

[32:04] or the name at all.

Stuart Wellington

[32:06] But didn't he

[32:07] want their juice

[32:08] so he could

[32:08] do the same thing?

[32:09] So he could

[32:09] have the power

[32:10] of bouncing.

[32:11] So he could

[32:11] bounce around.

Elliott Kalan

[32:13] So he could

[32:14] travel somewhere

[32:15] marginally faster

[32:16] than walking.

[32:17] Why didn't they

Stuart Wellington

[32:17] just give him

[32:18] some of that juice

[32:19] and then he'd

[32:19] probably leave him

Elliott Kalan

[32:20] alone?

[32:20] He's a bad guy.

Stuart Wellington

[32:22] Yeah,

[32:22] he's not a good...

Elliott Kalan

[32:23] What would he do

[32:23] if he could bounce

[32:24] something terrible?

[32:25] He'd terrorize

[32:26] the populace

[32:27] with his bouncing.

[32:30] Who knows?

[32:31] He could just be

[32:32] pillaging with his bouncing.

[32:34] Yeah.

[32:35] With great bouncing

[32:36] comes great

[32:37] responsibility.

[32:38] That's the

[32:39] gummy bears motto.

[32:40] Thanks, Stanley.

[32:42] Flat Stanley.

[32:43] Stanley.

[32:45] Now, let's...

[32:47] So let's fast forward.

[32:48] Yeah, please.

[32:49] Noah is...

[32:51] I'm kind of...

[32:51] Don't remember the

[32:52] order of all the

[32:52] things Noah does,

[32:53] but he starts

[32:54] getting crazy

[32:54] and obsessive.

[32:55] He builds a boat.

[32:56] He starts building a boat.

[32:56] Yeah.

[32:58] Yeah, he collects

[32:59] two of every animal

[33:00] to impress Claire.

[33:01] Two of every milf.

[33:02] Two of every milf.

[33:05] So what,

[33:05] is he cloning them?

Dan McCoy

[33:06] Every type of milf.

Elliott Kalan

[33:08] There is.

[33:09] Every type.

[33:10] Brunettes,

[33:11] blondes,

[33:11] Latinas,

[33:12] Asian.

[33:12] Yeah.

[33:13] What other types

[33:14] are there, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[33:15] Yeah, you know.

[33:17] There's a...

Elliott Kalan

[33:18] Oh, a...

[33:18] Bossy career women.

[33:20] Sure.

[33:21] Neglected wives.

[33:23] Yep.

[33:23] Yoga students.

[33:25] Yep.

[33:26] Joggers.

[33:29] All of them.

[33:31] Supermarket shoppers.

[33:32] Women who are

[33:33] taking some kind

[33:34] of blowjob class.

[33:36] A woman who needs

[33:37] help with her

[33:38] cable installation.

Dan McCoy

[33:39] I don't know why

[33:40] he's getting two of each

[33:41] and they're not

[33:41] people at pools.

[33:42] They will not

[33:43] breed with each other.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] They'll try though.

[33:45] Oh boy,

[33:45] will they try.

[33:47] Keep their hands

[33:48] off each other.

[33:49] Because if there's

[33:49] anything that porn

[33:50] has taught me,

[33:51] it's that anytime

[33:52] two women are

[33:53] hanging out,

[33:53] they will have

[33:54] sex with each other.

Stuart Wellington

[33:56] I mean,

[33:57] it's any two people,

[33:58] I think.

Elliott Kalan

[34:00] I guess,

[34:00] yeah,

[34:00] in porn,

[34:00] it's any two people.

[34:02] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[34:04] There's no television

[34:05] in that universe.

Elliott Kalan

[34:06] No platonic relationships.

Dan McCoy

[34:08] There's only one thing

[34:09] you do for entertainment.

Elliott Kalan

[34:10] Dan,

[34:10] so is that the dividing

[34:11] point between our

[34:12] universe and the porn

[34:13] universe,

[34:13] is the invention

[34:14] of television?

[34:15] You're saying if Philo

Dan McCoy

[34:16] did not do that,

[34:19] then everyone

[34:19] would be having sex

[34:20] with each other.

Elliott Kalan

[34:21] If he hadn't invented

[34:21] the cathode ray tube,

[34:23] then yeah,

[34:25] people would just be

[34:26] having sex for recreation

[34:27] all the time.

[34:28] It's a good thing

[34:28] he didn't.

Dan McCoy

[34:29] No TV and no

[34:30] STDs equals

[34:32] sex all the time.

[34:34] Was there an episode

Elliott Kalan

[34:35] of Sliders

[34:36] that covered this?

[34:38] Remember they went to that,

[34:40] there's that episode

[34:40] of Sliders

[34:40] where they went

[34:41] to the universe

[34:41] where all hamburgers

[34:43] are little?

[34:44] They called them

[34:45] Sliders.

[34:47] So anyway,

[34:48] Noah is creating

[34:49] a series of

[34:50] stalking incidents.

[34:53] He,

[34:54] at the fall fling dance,

[34:57] there's a,

[34:57] or maybe that happens

[34:58] after,

[34:58] I can't even remember

[34:59] the order.

[34:59] So basically,

[35:00] a kid,

[35:01] a bully tries to beat up

[35:02] Kevin and Noah

[35:03] slams his head

[35:04] against the locker.

[35:05] He jumps out of nowhere

[35:06] to defend him.

[35:07] It's like Batman

[35:08] was swinging through

[35:09] the halls

[35:09] and slams the kid's

[35:11] head against the locker

[35:11] so many times

[35:12] it fractures his skull

[35:13] which leads him

[35:14] to get into a fight

[35:15] with the vice principal

[35:16] and he's expelled.

[35:17] Now,

[35:18] why he wasn't arrested

[35:19] for assaulting a student

[35:20] until his head cracked,

[35:22] the movie never answers.

[35:24] I guess it was

[35:24] because I have it

[35:24] on school grounds

[35:25] the police have

[35:26] no jurisdiction.

[35:28] Maybe the police

[35:29] are on strike

[35:29] and that's part

[35:30] of the backstory

[35:30] that would have been

[35:31] explained if the movie

[35:32] was longer.

[35:33] I'm not sure.

Stuart Wellington

[35:34] I'm just,

[35:34] right now I'm thinking

[35:35] about how excited

[35:37] Jonathan Rhys-Davies

[35:38] would be to be

[35:39] in a universe

[35:40] filled with tiny hamburgers.

Elliott Kalan

[35:43] No,

[35:43] go without me.

[35:44] I don't need to keep

[35:45] jumping around

[35:46] to the other universes.

[35:47] I'll stay on this one.

[35:48] It's amazing.

[35:50] Indy,

[35:50] my friend.

Dan McCoy

[35:51] I can fit so many hamburgers

[35:52] in my mouth.

Elliott Kalan

[35:56] Finally,

[35:56] I know what it's like

[35:57] to be a giant

[35:58] eating a hamburger.

[35:59] A giant

[35:59] in a land of hamburgers.

[36:04] There's a dance

[36:05] called the fall fling

[36:06] and Kevin tries to ask

[36:07] the girl at the hardware

[36:08] store out

[36:08] and she says no

[36:09] but when Noah walks over

[36:11] she says,

[36:12] I don't have a date

[36:12] for the fall fling.

[36:14] They go

[36:14] and she,

[36:15] I guess,

[36:16] distracts Kevin

[36:17] and tells Claire

[36:18] that there was a problem

[36:19] in the bathroom

[36:19] and when she goes over there

[36:20] which is her jurisdiction.

[36:22] As the classics professor

[36:23] she also plunges the toilet

[36:25] and when she goes there

[36:27] the lights are all screwed up

[36:28] and there's,

[36:29] what,

[36:29] it's water or toilet paper

[36:30] all over the floor

[36:31] and in big letters

[36:32] on the wall it says,

[36:33] I fucked Claire Peterson

[36:34] and Noah walks out

[36:35] and he's like,

[36:35] hey,

[36:36] we can be together

[36:37] and they argue

[36:38] with each other

[36:38] and he tries to

[36:40] assault her

[36:41] and she won't let it happen.

[36:42] The next day

[36:43] she goes to her classroom

[36:44] and finds it

[36:45] festooned

[36:47] with pictures of herself

[36:48] and Noah having sex.

[36:50] Turned out he recorded

[36:51] the whole incident

[36:52] and then set the printer

[36:53] to infinite copies

[36:55] and put streamers up of it

[36:57] and it takes her

[36:58] literally forever

[36:59] to clean up all of this stuff

[37:01] while kids are waiting outside.

[37:02] She's like sleeping around

[37:02] on the paper.

[37:04] It's like,

Stuart Wellington

[37:05] for every piece of paper

[37:05] she picks up

[37:06] she drops four.

[37:08] If this was summer school

[37:09] there would have been

[37:10] three montages

[37:11] in the middle of this

[37:12] paper cleanup scene.

Elliott Kalan

[37:13] And if it was

[37:13] a Three Stooges movie

[37:14] it would have happened

[37:15] roughly the same

[37:16] as it happens here

[37:17] except I guess

[37:18] there'd be more like

[37:19] deliberate punches

[37:20] to the face.

[37:23] Then things escalate badly

[37:25] to the point where

[37:26] Garrett is taking Kevin

[37:28] in a sports car ride

[37:30] in some kind of

[37:31] fast sports car

[37:32] and Kevin

[37:32] who has been

[37:33] revved up by Noah

[37:35] to be mad at his dad

[37:37] for abandoning the family.

[37:38] For being a bad dad

[37:39] soccer dad?

[37:40] He doesn't even have

[37:41] the soccer part.

Dan McCoy

[37:41] Yeah, he's just

[37:42] the first half of that.

[37:44] He's just a bad dad.

[37:45] Bad cookie dad.

Elliott Kalan

[37:46] Cookie dad?

[37:47] Bad dad cookie dad.

[37:49] Mr. Fields

[37:50] I think is who

[37:50] you're talking about.

[37:51] That's why Mrs. Fields

[37:52] still calls herself Mrs.

[37:53] but they split up

[37:54] a long time ago.

[37:56] And the Fields kids

[37:57] they don't talk to their dad

[37:58] Mr. Fields

[37:59] the cookie man anymore.

[38:00] Yeah.

[38:02] Incidentally

[38:02] he found a second career

[38:03] as the cookie man

[38:04] in the Snackwells commercials.

Dan McCoy

[38:06] He went off

[38:07] and married that stripper

[38:08] Strawberry Fields.

Elliott Kalan

[38:11] Wasn't that one of the

[38:12] Bond girls?

[38:14] Anyway.

[38:15] She's a stripper now.

Stuart Wellington

[38:17] After she was discarded

[38:18] by James Bond.

Elliott Kalan

[38:19] Well, this riff is going nowhere.

[38:21] So, the

[38:21] not because of you, Stuart.

[38:24] I'm not holding my hand.

[38:25] Look, all of us

[38:26] all of us failed that one.

[38:27] In fact, guys, let's pause

[38:28] and let's have a little

[38:29] self-reflection moment here.

[38:30] I feel like that riff

[38:31] wasn't up to our best.

[38:32] Let's all say one good thing

[38:34] and one bad thing

[38:34] about that riff, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[38:36] One good thing

[38:37] I think it started strong.

[38:41] One bad thing

[38:42] is I felt like

[38:43] personally I thought

[38:45] I was forcing it.

Stuart Wellington

[38:46] Okay.

[38:46] Stuart?

[38:47] I would say

[38:47] one good thing

[38:49] was we said the word

[38:51] cookie a couple times.

[38:52] Okay.

[38:52] And that's just a funny word.

[38:53] It is delicious too.

[38:55] A bad thing

[38:55] is I think Dan

[38:56] was forcing it.

[38:57] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[38:58] Okay.

[38:58] I'll say a good thing

[38:59] is that it ended

[39:00] so Dan stopped forcing it.

[39:02] Right.

[39:02] And the bad thing

[39:03] was that

[39:04] I mean

[39:07] millions still die

[39:08] of starvation

[39:09] every day around the world.

[39:10] Oh man.

[39:11] He's really sensitive.

[39:12] A moment of silence for that.

[39:12] Yeah.

[39:13] Let's just have a moment of silence

[39:14] and go.

[39:15] Done.

[39:15] Okay.

[39:16] Moving on.

[39:17] I think you'll find a moment

[39:18] somewhere in the podcast

[39:19] where we were silent

[39:20] and just edit that in.

[39:21] Samoan.

[39:22] Samoan?

Stuart Wellington

[39:23] Find some Samoan

[39:25] and stick him in there.

[39:26] That's some T-Hump.

[39:27] Thanks for remembering Samoans.

Elliott Kalan

[39:30] He's probably a professional wrestler.

[39:31] He's doing fine.

[39:32] Yeah.

[39:34] Find some Samoan

[39:35] and make him into a cookie

[39:36] and we're done.

[39:37] Sell him to the Girl Scouts.

[39:39] What if it turns out

[39:40] the Girl Scouts

[39:41] have been killing

[39:41] actual Samoans

[39:42] to make those cookies?

Dan McCoy

[39:44] Is there a way to...

Elliott Kalan

[39:46] All right.

[39:46] Well, it turns out

[39:47] that he loses the control

[39:48] of the car

[39:48] because it turns out

[39:49] Noah cut the brakes

[39:50] which actually brings

[39:51] the father and son

[39:52] closer together

[39:53] in that moment of fear.

[39:54] And this is when the movie

[39:56] hyper-drives into crazy town.

[40:00] Vicky convinces Claire

[40:02] to break into Noah's house

[40:04] and delete the files

[40:05] in his computer

[40:05] which is, of course,

[40:06] in an evidence dungeon

[40:07] papered with pictures

[40:08] of Claire having sex with him.

[40:10] She finds a file labeled

[40:12] what, like Claire pictures?

Stuart Wellington

[40:14] It's not in the folder Achilles.

Elliott Kalan

[40:17] Oh, yeah.

[40:17] The folder's called Achilles.

[40:18] Not what a normal kid

[40:19] would title it.

[40:20] Spank Bank.

[40:21] And every...

[40:22] You can deposit that

[40:23] in the Spank Bank.

[40:25] And then take what's left

[40:26] after you use that...

[40:27] After you withdraw that deposit

[40:28] and deposit it

[40:29] in the Sperm Bank.

[40:30] Mm-hmm.

[40:30] Then you're gonna deposit...

[40:32] What's the interest

[40:32] on that account?

[40:34] Surprisingly low.

[40:35] Okay.

[40:35] There's not a lot of demand

[40:36] for it right now.

[40:37] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[40:37] I mean, it's less interest

[40:39] and more like

[40:40] the sperm

[40:40] slowly die over time.

[40:42] So you're actually

[40:43] decreasing in value.

Elliott Kalan

[40:45] Do you get charges

[40:46] for every deposit?

[40:47] The sperm decreases in value

[40:48] the minute you drive it off the lot.

[40:49] Yeah.

[40:51] Now, she...

[40:53] What I love is that

[40:54] every photo is so clearly titled

[40:55] like Claire Sleeping 1,

[40:57] Claire Sleeping 2.

[40:58] He went through

[40:59] and he retitled

[40:59] all of the photos

[41:00] and all the files.

[41:01] She deletes it.

[41:02] He's a very organized stalker.

[41:03] But she's almost caught

[41:04] by his uncle

[41:05] who's back from the hospital.

[41:06] I forgot to say

[41:07] his uncle was in the hospital.

[41:08] I also forgot to mention

[41:09] that she has seen

[41:11] through the window

[41:12] him having sex

[41:13] with the girl Kevin

[41:14] had a crush on.

[41:15] It turns out

[41:15] she was working for him,

[41:17] I guess.

[41:17] She was Renfielding for him.

[41:18] In exchange for sex

[41:19] and she's the only nude girl

[41:21] we see in the entire movie.

[41:22] J-Lo shows a lot of leg

[41:24] but not a lot of other parts.

[41:26] So, Mr. Skin,

[41:27] put that in your catalog.

Dan McCoy

[41:28] We mostly get dude butt.

[41:30] So, ladies?

[41:33] Yep.

[41:33] I mean, if that's your thing.

Stuart Wellington

[41:34] I'm just saying.

[41:35] Yeah.

[41:36] I thought you already inferred

[41:37] that for most ladies

[41:38] dude butt is their thing.

[41:41] Did I infer that?

[41:42] I mean, I don't know.

[41:43] You said it kind of blatantly.

[41:44] Well, I mean,

Elliott Kalan

[41:45] for people who don't want

[41:46] to rough it the way

[41:48] that a professional butt would,

[41:50] you go to a dude butt

[41:51] and that's, you know,

[41:52] like just a weekend

[41:53] and you get to experience

[41:54] a little bit

[41:55] and you rope some cattle

[41:56] on a butt

[41:56] and like, you know,

[41:57] you get to wear

[41:58] a cowboy hat on a butt

[41:59] and then you leave.

[42:00] You go back to your life.

[42:01] Hey, dude butt.

[42:03] Just like the hit

[42:04] Nickelodeon show

[42:05] Hey Dude Butt

[42:07] which introduced the world

[42:08] to Ben Stiller's future wife.

[42:10] Anyway, moving on.

Stuart Wellington

[42:12] It was covered by

[42:13] Salute Your Shorts.

Elliott Kalan

[42:17] Now, that was a very high-level

[42:18] Nickelodeon show butt joke.

[42:20] I give you a lot of points for that.

[42:22] In fact, I think Stuart's

[42:22] the winner of this episode.

[42:24] But things go to crazy town here

[42:26] because there's an evidence dungeon

[42:27] Vicky in trying to help Claire

[42:30] gets on Noah's bad side

[42:32] and he hits her over the head

[42:33] with something

[42:34] and kidnaps her

[42:35] before murdering her.

[42:37] Yeah, Kristen Chenoweth died.

[42:38] Kristen Chenoweth's body

[42:39] is later hurled

[42:40] out of a crawlspace

[42:42] or off a high shelf

[42:44] at Jennifer Lopez.

Stuart Wellington

[42:45] Immediately following

[42:46] a classic cat scare.

Elliott Kalan

[42:48] Uh-huh.

[42:49] And a classic cat scan

Stuart Wellington

[42:50] because you got to know

[42:51] about your health.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] What makes it classic?

[42:54] It's just like a black and white.

Elliott Kalan

[42:56] Yeah, yeah.

[42:57] It hasn't been colorized.

[42:58] Yeah.

[42:58] It's painted on the side

[43:00] of a Grecian urn.

[43:01] Yep.

[43:03] Lopez somehow arranges

[43:05] an appointment

[43:06] with a detective

[43:07] who explains to her

[43:08] and shows her the wreckage

[43:09] of the car crash

[43:10] that killed Noah's dad.

[43:12] Turns out,

[43:12] he was a cheater too

[43:13] and Noah hates cheaters.

[43:15] So Noah killed...

[43:16] So they were just keeping

Stuart Wellington

[43:17] that car carcass around?

Elliott Kalan

[43:19] Yeah, yeah.

[43:20] The carcass.

[43:21] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[43:22] That's in like a giant warehouse

[43:24] somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[43:24] It was in their museum

[43:25] of random cars from crimes.

Stuart Wellington

[43:28] Sure.

[43:28] Next to Sweet Tooth's van

[43:31] from Twisted Metal.

[43:32] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[43:33] And the death proof car.

[43:36] Yeah, the death proof car.

[43:38] Herbie fully loaded.

[43:41] Christine, yeah.

[43:42] The car from The Car.

Dan McCoy

[43:45] The Cars That Ate Paris.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] Not all of the trucks

[43:48] from Maximum Overdrive,

[43:49] but one of them.

[43:50] Yeah.

[43:52] Cars That Ate Paris

[43:53] is a weird movie.

[43:53] Most of them are on the convention

Stuart Wellington

[43:54] circuit right now.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] Yeah.

[43:56] Yeah, that's...

[43:57] So Claire gets stuck with Noah.

[44:03] How's Wikipedia doing over there?

[44:04] Wikipedia is not helping me

[44:06] go any faster.

[44:07] So let's cut to the climax.

[44:09] Noah kidnaps Claire,

[44:10] takes her to a barn

[44:12] in the middle of nowhere.

Stuart Wellington

[44:13] That barn we'd seen earlier.

[44:15] It was it?

[44:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[44:17] They're in the previously

[44:18] Odd Boy Next Door.

[44:19] Oh, okay.

[44:20] Because I clearly remember saying,

[44:22] why are they in a barn?

Elliott Kalan

[44:24] Yeah.

[44:24] To set up this barn.

[44:25] Okay.

[44:26] It's Chekhov's rule.

[44:26] If you see a barn in...

[44:27] If you see a barn in the first act,

[44:29] you're going to see somebody...

[44:30] All in this universe barns exist.

[44:32] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[44:34] Okay.

[44:34] Thank God they showed me a barn

[44:35] earlier in the movie.

[44:36] I wouldn't believe it

[44:37] when the barn shows up.

[44:38] Like, why am I?

Stuart Wellington

[44:38] A barn with an engine block

[44:41] hanging up in the air.

Elliott Kalan

[44:42] Yeah, because it's a car barn.

[44:43] Mm-hmm.

[44:44] Now, Noah kidnaps Claire.

[44:46] He's also kidnapped

[44:47] her husband and son.

[44:49] The husband has been

[44:50] beaten about the face

[44:51] and neck area

[44:52] and is chained to something.

[44:54] The son is also

[44:54] chained to a thing.

[44:56] And everybody starts

[44:58] kung fu fighting,

[44:59] you know,

[44:59] but not with kung fu,

[45:00] just with fists and stuff.

[45:02] And Noah is mad

[45:03] that Claire doesn't want

[45:04] to be with him

[45:04] because he genuinely loves her

[45:05] in his own crazy,

[45:06] violent, stupid way.

[45:07] He lights the barn on fire.

[45:09] No, actually,

[45:10] he covers the place

[45:11] in gasoline

[45:11] and then he pulls out

[45:12] a lighter

[45:12] and Claire pushes him,

[45:15] which causes him

[45:15] to drop the lighter.

[45:16] Kind of the stupidest move

[45:17] she could have made

Stuart Wellington

[45:18] at that point.

[45:18] It's an easy way

[45:19] to clean up all the evidence

[45:20] of her husband murder.

Elliott Kalan

[45:21] Yeah, it turns into a fight

[45:23] between Noah and her husband.

[45:24] Then she joins in.

[45:26] Then the son joins in.

[45:28] She hits him with a tire iron.

[45:29] Hits Noah, not the son.

[45:31] The husband gets shot

[45:33] and I assume killed.

[45:34] Then Noah gets shot,

[45:36] I think, right?

[45:37] Or no?

[45:38] Anyway, she gets two moments

[45:40] of like,

[45:41] he says something

[45:42] and then she has a quip afterwards.

[45:44] And the first,

[45:45] he says,

[45:45] Claire, I trust you.

[45:47] And she says like,

[45:48] but you shouldn't trust me.

[45:49] And then stabs him in the eye

[45:51] with an EpiPen

[45:52] and they're fighting

[45:53] and then she takes her thumb

[45:54] and she gouges it further

[45:55] into that same eye

[45:56] in a pretty graphic shot

[45:58] for a movie like this.

[45:59] Then the son and him

[46:01] are fighting

[46:01] and they're grappling

[46:02] over the gun

[46:02] and I forgot

[46:04] what her second quip is.

Stuart Wellington

[46:06] Yeah, he's about to

[46:07] shoot somebody else

[46:08] and she's lost.

Elliott Kalan

[46:09] Oh, he says,

[46:09] sometimes heroes

[46:10] have to make tough decisions

[46:12] and she says,

[46:13] you're no hero.

[46:14] And then cuts a chain

[46:16] or something

[46:16] and the engine block

[46:17] falls and crushes him.

Stuart Wellington

[46:18] It's really important to her

[46:19] that he knows

[46:20] before he dies

[46:21] that she doesn't like him.

[46:23] But it might as well be

Dan McCoy

[46:24] just an anvil

[46:25] falling on him

[46:25] from the sky.

[46:26] Like,

[46:27] it is really Looney Tunes-y.

[46:29] This just like

[46:30] big block of metal

[46:32] falls on him

[46:33] and crushes him.

Stuart Wellington

[46:34] It's just enough time

[46:35] to look up

[46:35] and go,

[46:35] oh shit.

Elliott Kalan

[46:37] He also recovers

[46:38] from having his eye

[46:39] gouged out

[46:40] pretty quickly.

[46:41] Maybe it's just adrenaline.

Stuart Wellington

[46:42] When you're a teenager,

[46:43] dude,

[46:44] you get over that.

Elliott Kalan

[46:44] You bounce back,

[46:45] that's true.

[46:46] You heal faster.

[46:47] Every moment

[46:48] is like an eternity.

[46:49] And then

[46:50] they're outside

[46:51] with the police

[46:52] and the fire department

[46:53] who I guess

[46:53] heard the barn

[46:54] on fire

[46:55] and

[46:56] that's the end

[46:57] of the movie.

Stuart Wellington

[46:58] And the police

[46:58] are like,

[46:58] there was only one body

[46:59] in there

[47:00] all burned up.

[47:01] Who was it though?

[47:02] Your husband

[47:03] or the other guy?

[47:04] And then,

[47:04] no,

[47:05] I'm just making that up.

Elliott Kalan

[47:05] No,

[47:06] there was no

[47:06] the end

[47:07] question mark type thing.

[47:08] It just kind of

[47:09] ends kind of abruptly.

Stuart Wellington

[47:13] Let me see.

[47:14] Get in the ambulance

[47:15] and the guy's like,

[47:16] hey,

[47:16] I just moved in

[47:17] next door to you.

[47:20] And then he pulls out

[47:21] a chainsaw.

Elliott Kalan

[47:23] Now,

[47:24] here's the thing.

[47:24] This movie,

[47:25] I think we were all

[47:25] really looking forward to it.

[47:27] It didn't quite live up

[47:28] to the level of dumbness

[47:29] I thought it was going to have.

[47:30] Yeah,

Dan McCoy

[47:30] let's just go to

[47:31] the final judgments

[47:31] was a good bad movie,

[47:32] a bad bad movie

[47:33] or a movie you kind of liked.

[47:34] Elliot,

[47:34] what are you saying?

Elliott Kalan

[47:35] I think

[47:35] it could have been

[47:36] a good bad movie.

[47:37] It just like didn't go far enough.

[47:39] There were scenes

[47:39] where like the sudden

[47:41] brakes cut on the car

[47:42] and they decide

[47:44] that the best way

[47:45] to deal with that

[47:45] is to drive

[47:46] on the wrong side

[47:47] of the road

[47:47] and almost bump

[47:48] into a lot of things.

[47:50] Fuck all over the place.

[47:51] Or a lot of the scenes,

[47:52] there were a lot of times

[47:53] when Noah would do

[47:54] like a sexy quip

[47:55] but it was the kind of

[47:56] stupid vulgar joke

[47:58] that a real 19-year-old

[47:59] would make

[47:59] like when he says,

[48:00] I love your mom's cookies.

[48:02] Or when she says,

[48:04] oh,

[48:04] we had a big thunderstorm

[48:05] and he goes,

[48:06] oh,

[48:06] the husband goes,

[48:07] it was dry

[48:08] where we were camping

[48:09] and he goes,

[48:10] yeah,

[48:10] well,

[48:11] it got pretty wet

[48:12] around here.

[48:12] Like,

[48:13] they are the dumbest

[48:14] first level innuendo

[48:15] and if there was more

[48:18] stuff like that,

[48:19] it would have been great.

[48:19] And by the end,

[48:20] it gets super nuts

[48:20] when she's literally

[48:22] gouging out a man's eye

[48:23] in a burning barn.

[48:24] Now,

[48:25] if you see a movie

Stuart Wellington

[48:25] titled Super Nuts,

[48:27] you might not want

[48:28] to stay up for it

[48:29] because it could be

[48:30] about cartoon squirrels.

[48:32] It's true,

[48:33] but it could also be

Elliott Kalan

[48:33] about super-powered testicles.

Dan McCoy

[48:35] Or it could be

[48:35] about whether you want

[48:36] soup or nuts.

[48:38] Sure.

Elliott Kalan

[48:39] Yeah,

[48:39] it's called

[48:40] Soup or Nuts.

[48:41] It's a documentary.

[48:42] Dissection of a decision.

[48:44] What place is offering you

[48:46] either soup or nuts?

[48:47] They don't fill

[48:48] the same requirement

[48:49] in a meal.

Dan McCoy

[48:50] Maybe like a grandma?

[48:51] It's what always confused me

[48:51] about the phrase

[48:52] from soup to nuts.

[48:54] We're just like,

[48:54] what kind of meal is this

[48:55] that starts with soup

[48:56] and ends in nuts?

Elliott Kalan

[48:57] Oh,

[48:57] that makes sense.

[48:58] Nuts was like a,

[48:59] it was an after-dinner thing

[49:00] for one of the soup

[49:01] would be your starter.

Dan McCoy

[49:02] That's not a dessert.

[49:03] Nuts?

Elliott Kalan

[49:04] In Europe,

[49:05] in Europe,

[49:06] you ask for dessert

[49:07] and they'll give you

[49:07] a plate of-

[49:07] That's always your excuse.

[49:09] In Europe.

[49:10] In Europe,

[49:10] they'll give you

[49:10] a plate of fruit

[49:12] and cheese for dessert.

[49:13] I mean,

[49:13] that's crazy.

[49:14] Don't even get me

[49:14] started on Persia.

[49:15] It's nothing but

[49:16] like honey-flavored bread.

[49:17] Yeah.

[49:19] Anyway.

[49:20] But this is a-

[49:20] Whole civilizations

[49:21] that barely understand

[49:23] that chocolate exists.

Dan McCoy

[49:23] You can have a starter

[49:24] or you can have a dessert

[49:25] in this situation.

[49:26] You can have soup or nuts.

Elliott Kalan

[49:27] Yeah.

[49:27] No main course.

[49:29] It's called

[49:29] Unsatisfying's

[49:31] and it's the dinner

[49:31] that leaves you hungry

[49:32] for more.

[49:33] They always told me,

[49:35] leave your audience

[49:35] hungry for more

[49:36] and I think my restaurant

[49:37] does that

[49:38] by not feeding them enough.

Dan McCoy

[49:40] I agree with Elliot

[49:41] in that I think

[49:43] that this hovers

[49:43] between a good-bad movie

[49:44] and a bad movie.

[49:46] Like,

[49:47] it was not as crazy

[49:48] as I was led to believe.

[49:50] It kind of bored me

[49:51] for a large portion.

Elliott Kalan

[49:52] Judging by the amount

[49:53] of the movie you spent

[49:54] looking at your phone,

[49:54] bored you for 90%

[49:56] of the time.

Dan McCoy

[49:56] Yeah.

[49:56] But,

[49:57] you know,

Elliott Kalan

[49:59] you can do worse.

[50:00] I will say,

[50:00] if you want to see a movie

[50:01] that has a bunch

[50:02] of dumb lines

[50:02] and Jennifer Lopez

[50:04] wears a lot of clingy skirts

[50:06] that show off her butt,

[50:07] this is a movie for you.

[50:08] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:09] Stuart?

[50:09] Yeah,

[50:10] I think you're right.

[50:10] I think it's just below

[50:12] a good-bad movie.

[50:14] Our male lead

[50:16] was pretty good

[50:18] and Jennifer Lopez

[50:19] is pretty crazy

[50:20] but I think

[50:21] they could have played up

[50:22] more like the

[50:23] forbidden attraction element.

[50:25] Mm-hmm.

[50:27] And,

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] yeah,

[50:28] yeah.

[50:29] It was like,

[50:30] it was,

[50:31] didn't,

[50:31] I will say that

[50:32] the,

[50:33] like,

[50:34] the sex scenes

[50:35] were steamier

[50:36] than I expected

[50:37] in a movie

[50:38] from nowadays

[50:39] but it was like

[50:40] you wanted the rest

[50:42] of the movie

[50:42] to feel,

[50:43] like,

[50:43] seedy and gross

[50:44] in a way

[50:44] that it didn't.

[50:45] Like,

[50:46] for a good,

[50:46] good,

[50:46] bad movie

[50:47] it should have felt

[50:47] like you were like,

[50:48] ew,

[50:49] oh,

[50:51] oh,

[50:51] instead,

[50:52] it wasn't.

[50:53] Yeah.

[50:53] Like that.

[50:55] I agree.

[50:56] It was PG-13?

[50:58] It was not.

[50:58] It was rated R.

[50:59] Okay.

[51:00] Yeah.

[51:00] But it was

[51:01] a soft R.

[51:02] It could have been

[51:02] a hard R.

[51:03] Yeah.

[51:04] I mean,

[51:04] this wasn't,

[51:04] like,

[51:05] irreversible.

[51:06] Sure.

Dan McCoy

[51:07] Well,

[51:08] I don't know

[51:08] if that's your yardstick.

[51:09] That seems...

Elliott Kalan

[51:11] For a hard R?

Stuart Wellington

[51:12] I don't even think

[51:12] that's R.

Elliott Kalan

[51:13] I think it's NC-17,

[51:14] probably.

[51:15] Mm-hmm.

[51:16] No cowboys

[51:17] under 17.

Justin McElroy

[51:24] Hi, everybody.

[51:25] I'm Justin McElroy.

[51:27] And I'm Dr.

[51:27] Sydney McElroy.

[51:28] Every Tuesday,

[51:29] we bring you

[51:30] Sawbones,

[51:31] a marital tour

[51:32] of misguided medicine,

[51:34] a show about

[51:34] all the dumb,

[51:35] weird,

[51:36] terrible ways

[51:37] that we've tried

[51:38] to fix each other

[51:38] over the years.

[51:39] You know,

[51:39] some light summer

[51:40] listening.

Elliott Kalan

[51:41] Maybe you want to hear

[51:42] about yogurt enemas,

[51:43] or why we tried

[51:44] to eat mummies

[51:45] for a while,

[51:46] or why drinking

[51:47] cholera diarrhea

[51:48] sounded like a good idea.

Justin McElroy

[51:49] That and so much more

[51:51] is waiting for you

[51:52] every Tuesday

[51:52] right here

[51:53] on the Maximum Fun Network

[51:55] with Sawbones,

[51:56] a marital tour

[51:57] of misguided medicine.

Dan McCoy

[52:01] We do have a sponsor

[52:03] for tonight's show.

[52:04] The Flophouse

[52:05] is brought to you

[52:05] in part by Squarespace,

[52:07] the all-in-one

[52:07] website platform

[52:08] that makes it fast

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[52:13] Squarespace offers

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[52:22] and to start building

[52:23] your website,

[52:24] go to squarespace.com

[52:26] and use the code

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[52:30] and if you use the code FLOP,

[52:31] you can get 10%

[52:32] off your first purchase.

[52:34] Squarespace.

[52:35] Build it beautiful.

Elliott Kalan

[52:37] Let me tell you,

[52:38] how many times

[52:38] do I have to tell our audience,

[52:39] you need a website?

[52:40] Everybody's living

[52:41] on the internet these days,

[52:42] just like they said

[52:43] we would in the social network.

[52:44] Where are you going to live?

[52:45] Right now,

[52:45] you're homeless

[52:46] on the internet.

[52:47] You're just wandering

[52:48] the internet,

[52:48] begging for change,

[52:49] sleeping under digital bridges.

Stuart Wellington

[52:51] Make yourself a home.

[52:53] Squarespace.

[52:53] You want to impress

[52:54] your grandma

[52:54] that you got this awesome deal,

[52:56] the only way you can do it

[52:57] is by using the code FLOP.

Dan McCoy

[53:00] And you can show

[53:01] your favorite podcast

[53:02] that you like them.

[53:03] Mm-hmm.

[53:03] Thanks, buds.

[53:05] But now,

[53:07] to move on

[53:07] to letters from listeners.

Elliott Kalan

[53:09] Letters,

[53:09] da-da-da-da,

[53:10] running low on time,

[53:11] here's a quick letters song.

[53:12] Yeah.

[53:13] I like it.

[53:16] I won you over.

[53:18] So...

[53:18] Dan liked my song.

[53:21] Dan finally liked my song.

[53:24] He liked it.

[53:25] Hey, he liked it.

[53:26] Mikey liked it.

[53:28] Life cereal.

[53:30] Featuring Dan.

[53:31] Thanks.

Dan McCoy

[53:32] So this first letter

[53:33] goes like this.

[53:35] Hey, dudes.

[53:36] I have two things.

[53:37] First, Dan,

[53:38] you're my favorite.

[53:38] I also had a knee problem

[53:40] no one cared about.

[53:41] Second,

[53:42] I've never been on a date.

[53:44] What a bond.

[53:45] Or tried dating at all.

[53:46] You fellows seem like experts

[53:47] since you're all

[53:48] happily question mark married.

[53:50] How do you start dating?

[53:52] Your loyal listener

[53:52] spent their last name withheld.

[53:54] How do you start dating?

Elliott Kalan

[53:56] Well,

[53:56] you find someone

[53:57] you want to go out with

[53:58] and you ask them,

[53:58] hey,

[53:58] you want to go do something?

Dan McCoy

[54:00] Yeah.

[54:01] That's the easiest way.

Elliott Kalan

[54:02] Here's the thing.

[54:02] A lot of people,

[54:04] I know when I was younger,

[54:04] I put way too much thought

[54:06] into dating

[54:06] because I thought

[54:07] you had to put thought

[54:07] into dating.

[54:08] It's a lot better

[54:09] if you don't put,

[54:10] you think about,

[54:11] hey,

[54:11] who's someone I'd like

[54:12] to spend time with

[54:13] and what's the thing

[54:14] I think they would find fun?

[54:15] Be more of a straight

[54:16] caveman about it, right?

[54:17] Just bonk her on the head

[54:18] and take her back

[54:19] to your pad.

[54:19] Do not bonk her

[54:20] on your head.

[54:21] Be a gay caveman.

[54:22] Bonk him on the head

[54:23] and take him back

[54:24] to your pad.

[54:24] Who cares?

Dan McCoy

[54:25] Bonk anyone on the head

[54:26] and take him back.

Elliott Kalan

[54:27] What if it's bonk,

[54:28] Dan,

[54:29] from the TurboGrafx-64

[54:31] or TurboGrafx-16?

[54:34] You can bonk the shit

[54:34] out of everything

Dan McCoy

[54:35] because that's the only

[54:36] thing that you can do.

Elliott Kalan

[54:37] Except for those things

[54:38] that hurt you

[54:38] when you bonk them.

[54:39] Yeah.

[54:40] Well,

[54:41] a lot of people

[54:41] date on the internet.

Dan McCoy

[54:43] They could do that too.

[54:44] I'm just saying,

[54:45] no,

[54:45] I think you're right

[54:46] in what you're getting at though

[54:47] which is to be straightforward.

[54:50] I think you can get

[54:51] a pretty good sense

[54:52] unless you're a crazy person

[54:54] and there are plenty

[54:55] of them out there.

[54:57] There are plenty

[54:57] of crazy creeps.

[54:58] I'm not going to say

[54:58] that there aren't

[54:59] crazy creeps out there.

[55:00] I hope you're not one of them.

[55:01] But unless you're one of them,

[55:03] you, I think,

[55:03] have a pretty good idea

[55:04] if someone might be

[55:05] interested in you romantically.

[55:07] And so if you think

[55:08] that there's a possibility,

[55:09] you just say,

[55:10] hey,

[55:11] would you like to go out

[55:12] on a date

[55:12] and suggest something?

[55:15] And if they say no,

[55:16] then you politely say,

[55:18] all right,

[55:18] thank you,

[55:19] and you stop thinking

[55:20] about them.

Elliott Kalan

[55:21] And you go and ask

[55:21] somebody else

[55:22] because there's a lot

[55:22] of fish in the sea

[55:23] and if you're interested

[55:24] in fish,

[55:26] don't even wait

[55:26] for them to say no.

[55:27] Just take them with you.

[55:28] I think this is the most

Stuart Wellington

[55:28] connected and switched on.

[55:29] I've seen you all night.

[55:30] Dan is giving

[55:30] relationship advice.

[55:31] Yeah.

[55:32] You could have been

[55:33] a Dr. Drew

[55:34] in another life

[55:35] or a Dr. Dan,

[55:36] if you will.

[55:37] I don't know

Elliott Kalan

[55:37] why he'd call himself

[55:38] Dr. Drew.

[55:40] So I hope that helps.

[55:42] The most important thing is

[55:44] find the right person

[55:45] to ask.

Dan McCoy

[55:47] Yeah,

[55:48] I mean,

[55:48] I guess.

[55:49] I mean,

[55:49] find someone you're interested in.

Elliott Kalan

[55:52] Don't ask,

[55:52] like,

[55:53] a stranger at a bus stop

[55:54] that is not attractive

[55:55] to you.

Stuart Wellington

[55:56] You shouldn't ask somebody

[55:57] who is secretly

[55:58] in the thrall

[55:59] of an evil dude

[56:00] who's trying to

[56:00] sleep with your mom.

Elliott Kalan

[56:02] That is a very good tip.

[56:03] Yes.

[56:04] Yeah.

[56:04] Because she's only,

[56:05] here's the bad thing.

[56:06] She's just using you

[56:08] as a tool

[56:08] to get to your mom

[56:09] and secondly,

[56:10] you know she's

[56:11] going to be having sex

[56:11] with that much hunkier,

[56:13] much more buff guy

[56:14] and it's going to

[56:14] make you angry.

[56:15] And we've already learned

[56:16] he is totally good

[56:17] at satisfying people.

[56:18] Oh yeah,

[56:19] he's very generous.

[56:20] So that's the thing,

[56:21] when the time we see them

[56:22] having sex,

[56:23] she is pleasuring him.

Dan McCoy

[56:24] Yeah,

[56:24] but here's another,

[56:25] here's a tip.

[56:27] That's how it works

[56:28] for somebody.

[56:28] Be friendly

[56:29] and engage them

[56:31] as a human,

[56:32] not just as a potential

[56:33] mate.

[56:35] You know?

[56:36] Yeah.

[56:37] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[56:38] Yeah.

[56:39] Treat them as you

Dan McCoy

[56:40] find a connection.

Elliott Kalan

[56:41] Unless it's the

[56:42] casual encounters page

[56:43] on Craigslist,

[56:44] in which case,

[56:44] Yeah,

Elliott Kalan

[56:44] just fuck.

[56:45] And don't,

[56:46] don't,

[56:47] and don't read

[56:47] too much emotion into it

[56:49] or else you'll be

[56:49] pulled into a web

[56:50] of seduction and desire.

[56:51] Just boning.

Dan McCoy

[56:52] Just sheer boning.

Elliott Kalan

[56:54] Yep,

[56:54] bone that fish.

Dan McCoy

[56:55] Um,

[56:56] so.

[56:56] Use your boning knife.

[56:57] Moving on.

[56:58] This,

[56:59] uh,

[57:00] letter goes like this.

[57:01] Flop lords,

[57:02] I have once again

[57:03] done your bidding

[57:04] and entered the time stream

[57:05] and traveled to the past

[57:06] to steal the hat.

[57:08] I do this without question.

[57:09] so this,

[57:10] the mystery's been solved.

[57:12] I do this without question

[57:13] for I know too well

[57:14] the punishment

[57:14] for that is gifted

[57:15] to those who

[57:16] question the commands

[57:17] from the golden throne

[57:18] of the flop lords.

[57:20] I would,

[57:20] however,

[57:20] like to remind you

[57:21] that this is now

[57:21] the second time

[57:22] you've sent me

[57:23] into the past

[57:23] to steal an old

[57:24] baseball cap.

[57:25] And though you insist

[57:26] that the theft

[57:26] of this item

[57:27] is crucial in,

[57:28] quote,

[57:28] maintaining the time stream,

[57:30] I can't help but notice

[57:31] that when the hat

[57:31] is brought before

[57:32] all three of you,

[57:33] you begin to giggle

[57:34] like schoolgirls.

[57:35] It feels like you're

[57:36] playing some sort

[57:37] of time-space prank,

[57:38] which is,

[57:38] of course,

[57:39] you're right to do

[57:39] if you feel like doing so

[57:40] as the rulers of Earth,

[57:42] formerly Earth.

Elliott Kalan

[57:44] Please do not take-

[57:45] Yeah,

[57:45] I forgot we changed

Dan McCoy

[57:46] the name,

[57:47] I guess.

[57:47] Please do not take

[57:49] that the wrong way

[57:50] and throw me

[57:50] into the pit

[57:51] of the flop cat

[57:51] or banish me

[57:52] to that island

[57:53] of misery

[57:53] and sand lice

[57:54] where the brother

[57:55] of Kalen awaits

[57:56] to torment

[57:56] the unclean one.

[57:57] It's called

[57:58] Sportsylvania.

[57:59] With boring sports stories.

[58:01] Anywho,

[58:02] I'm writing you

[58:02] this message

[58:03] from here in the past

[58:03] to you in the year

[58:04] 2035 to ask

[58:06] if I should just

[58:06] stay here and wait

[58:07] for the next time

[58:08] you want this hat stolen

[58:09] or should I continue

[58:10] to risk death

[58:11] and sanity

[58:11] traveling through

[58:12] what Lord Wellington

[58:13] calls,

[58:13] quote,

[58:14] the time vagina.

[58:15] If I had a vote,

[58:17] which no one does now,

[58:18] I'll hail the flop lords.

[58:20] I would like to minimize

[58:20] the amount of time

[58:21] I spent time traveling.

[58:22] It hurts

[58:23] and while you guys

[58:24] think it's funny,

[58:24] it's starting to affect

[58:25] my ability to steal hats

[58:26] for you.

[58:27] As always,

[58:28] if you command me

[58:28] to travel back to 2035,

[58:30] I will.

[58:31] Do not wish to be sent

[58:32] to one of Lord McCoy's

[58:33] depression tubes.

[58:34] I'll hail the flop lords.

[58:35] Jason,

[58:36] last name withheld.

Elliott Kalan

[58:38] He needs to take his meds.

[58:40] Yeah.

[58:40] Mm-hmm.

[58:42] Thank you, Jason,

[58:43] for explaining a mystery

[58:44] that has long dogged

[58:45] Flophouse listeners.

[58:46] Now, Jason,

Stuart Wellington

[58:46] normally when one

[58:47] addresses the tripartite throne,

[58:49] the godhead that is

[58:52] the flop lords,

[58:53] it should be in the form

[58:55] of a song,

[58:55] but I guess a letter

[58:57] is all right.

[58:58] Mm-hmm.

[58:59] Don't sing a song.

Elliott Kalan

[59:01] Too late.

[59:02] When you're talking

[59:03] to flop lords

[59:05] on the flop lord throne,

[59:07] remember your manners,

[59:09] your yes and your ganners.

[59:13] Remember to be

[59:15] the best you can be,

[59:17] the best you you can be,

[59:19] or we'll throw you

[59:20] in the pit.

[59:22] Okay, Dan,

[59:23] keep going.

[59:23] Um,

Dan McCoy

[59:25] this last letter

[59:26] of the night

[59:26] goes a little something

[59:28] like this.

[59:29] As a fan of both

[59:30] sleaze and bad movies,

[59:32] I feel I have to make

[59:33] one small correction

[59:34] to your recent

[59:35] A Talking Cat

[59:36] episode.

[59:38] Recent?

[59:38] I've seen a shameful

[59:39] number of David

[59:41] DeCocktoe films,

[59:43] which are all

[59:44] horrifying train wrecks,

[59:45] but one thing

[59:46] they are not

[59:47] is gay sleeves

[59:48] or gay softball porn.

[59:49] In fact,

[59:49] it would be better

[59:50] if they were.

[59:51] Sure,

[59:51] one guy clad

[59:53] in nothing but

[59:54] boxer briefs

[59:54] might spray a hose

[59:55] on five guys

[59:56] also clad

[59:57] only in boxer briefs,

[59:59] but then they'll

[59:59] all awkwardly

[1:00:00] assert that they're

[1:00:01] totally heterosexual

[1:00:02] and talk about

[1:00:04] how hot

[1:00:04] the single female

[1:00:05] character in the movie is,

[1:00:06] who often appears

[1:00:07] to be a homeless woman

[1:00:08] DeCocktoe found

[1:00:09] driving to the set

[1:00:10] that day.

[1:00:12] DeCotoe,

[1:00:13] sorry.

[1:00:14] We were over this

[1:00:15] last time.

[1:00:16] Yeah, yeah.

[1:00:16] Sorry.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:18] It's very difficult.

[1:00:19] I think it's because

Dan McCoy

[1:00:20] DeCotoe is not

[1:00:21] an actual name.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:22] No, yeah.

[1:00:23] Whereas,

[1:00:24] Coctoe is a name.

[1:00:25] Yeah.

[1:00:26] And it's a hit

[1:00:27] Tom Cruise movies

[1:00:29] for babies.

[1:00:30] Coctoe,

[1:00:31] they can't quite

[1:00:31] pronounce cocktail

[1:00:32] because they call it

[1:00:33] Coctoe.

[1:00:34] Oh, yeah.

[1:00:34] You're kind of

[1:00:35] reaching.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:38] Why DeCotoe

[1:00:39] feels unnecessary

[1:00:40] to insist

[1:00:41] every character

[1:00:42] in his movies

[1:00:42] is heterosexual,

[1:00:43] even when working

[1:00:44] for a gay film studio,

[1:00:45] is a puzzle

[1:00:46] I've been attempting

[1:00:46] to solve for years.

[1:00:47] It's maddening.

[1:00:49] But I wouldn't want

[1:00:49] one of your viewers

[1:00:50] to accidentally watch

[1:00:51] Two Voodoo Academy,

[1:00:53] a movie which has

[1:00:54] neither voodoo

[1:00:55] nor an academy,

[1:00:56] and think that

[1:00:57] they'll see much more

[1:00:58] than a bunch of guys

[1:00:59] wandering around

[1:01:00] in boxer briefs.

[1:01:02] And as a question,

[1:01:03] what movies did you

[1:01:04] think would be

[1:01:04] exciting or scandals?

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:05] It just disproved

[1:01:05] our Academy suggestion

[1:01:07] from earlier,

[1:01:08] by the way.

[1:01:09] What?

[1:01:10] Well, it just disproved

[1:01:12] the earlier comment

[1:01:13] about how Academy

[1:01:14] or school

[1:01:15] might be a good idea

[1:01:16] for watching

[1:01:17] a softball porno movie.

[1:01:18] In this case,

[1:01:19] Academy left to...

[1:01:20] I mean,

Dan McCoy

[1:01:21] I think,

[1:01:22] you know,

[1:01:22] we don't have

[1:01:23] what experience

[1:01:25] of the gay softcore.

[1:01:27] Oh, okay.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:28] I guess Voodoo Academy.

[1:01:30] Yeah.

[1:01:30] I don't know.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:32] But he ends his question

[1:01:34] as a letter asking.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:35] Look, I'm sure

[1:01:35] it's a rich and vibrant,

[1:01:37] you know,

[1:01:38] area of film.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:40] As a question,

[1:01:41] what movies do you think

[1:01:42] would be exciting

[1:01:42] and scandalous

[1:01:43] but just turned out

[1:01:44] to be boring?

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:44] Well,

[1:01:45] The Boy Next Door.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:45] Keep on F-L-O-P-ing

[1:01:47] in the USA.

[1:01:48] Peter,

[1:01:49] last name withheld.

[1:01:52] Geez,

[1:01:52] what did I think

[1:01:53] was going to be

[1:01:53] scandalous and exciting?

[1:01:55] I feel like there's

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:56] a lot of those

[1:01:57] like Mondo movies

[1:01:58] type things

[1:01:59] where you think

[1:02:00] they're going to be

[1:02:02] like super

[1:02:02] like either gross

[1:02:04] or scary

[1:02:04] and then it's a lot

[1:02:05] of like clearly

[1:02:07] staged footage

[1:02:08] of things.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:10] Yeah,

[1:02:10] I mean,

[1:02:11] like there's a lot

[1:02:11] of also,

[1:02:12] I feel like

[1:02:14] a lot of these

[1:02:14] like purposefully

[1:02:15] camping movies

[1:02:16] that are being made

[1:02:17] these days

[1:02:17] like promise a lot

[1:02:19] and then just

[1:02:20] really like

[1:02:21] back off the sleeves.

[1:02:22] They don't have

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:25] the courage

[1:02:26] of their lack

[1:02:27] of convictions

[1:02:27] as somebody

[1:02:28] probably said

[1:02:28] somewhere about

[1:02:29] something.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:30] I said it

[1:02:31] but I think

[1:02:32] I was quoting

[1:02:32] someone else.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:33] Yeah,

[1:02:33] I'm probably

[1:02:34] quoting you

[1:02:34] quoting somebody.

Dan McCoy

[1:02:36] There's a movie

[1:02:37] that I watched

[1:02:37] recently called

[1:02:38] Death Spa

[1:02:39] that I thought

[1:02:40] was going to be

[1:02:40] really good

[1:02:41] and started out

[1:02:43] really sleazy

[1:02:44] with like

[1:02:46] a scene

[1:02:48] of like

[1:02:48] a bunch

[1:02:48] of ladies

[1:02:49] like

[1:02:49] showering

[1:02:50] in the spa

[1:02:51] as like

[1:02:52] it heated up

[1:02:53] and like

[1:02:54] tiles

[1:02:57] from the

[1:02:57] ceramic tiles

[1:02:59] of the shower

[1:03:00] started like

[1:03:01] just like

[1:03:02] popping out

[1:03:02] and like

[1:03:03] attacking the ladies

[1:03:04] like shooting

[1:03:04] at the ladies.

[1:03:05] Some kind of

[1:03:06] death spa.

[1:03:07] But then

[1:03:08] the movie

[1:03:08] just took

[1:03:10] a sharp

[1:03:10] left turn

[1:03:11] into like

[1:03:12] what could

[1:03:12] have been

[1:03:13] a 1970s

[1:03:14] like TV

[1:03:14] detective show

[1:03:16] where they just

[1:03:17] like went off

[1:03:17] into like

[1:03:18] the Hollywood

[1:03:18] Hills

[1:03:18] and tried

[1:03:19] to explain

[1:03:20] what was

[1:03:20] going on

[1:03:20] in the death

[1:03:21] spa.

[1:03:21] Like there

[1:03:21] was some

[1:03:22] sort of

[1:03:22] entry

[1:03:22] with some

[1:03:24] dude

[1:03:24] that I

[1:03:24] just lost

[1:03:25] interest in

[1:03:25] very quickly

[1:03:26] and I

[1:03:28] don't know.

[1:03:28] I mean

[1:03:28] just like

[1:03:29] a movie

[1:03:29] with death

[1:03:29] spa

[1:03:29] should be

[1:03:30] nothing but

[1:03:31] sleaze

[1:03:31] like front

[1:03:32] to back

[1:03:32] I feel

[1:03:33] like.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:34] Yeah.

[1:03:34] Somebody's

[1:03:34] not signing

[1:03:35] up for

[1:03:35] death spa

[1:03:36] and expecting

[1:03:36] like some

[1:03:37] some genuine

[1:03:39] story craft.

[1:03:40] Yeah.

[1:03:42] You don't

[1:03:43] have anything

[1:03:43] to do?

[1:03:43] No.

[1:03:44] No.

[1:03:44] I think

[1:03:44] the one

[1:03:45] that I

[1:03:45] always think

[1:03:45] of is

[1:03:46] the Todd

[1:03:48] Phillips

[1:03:48] comedy

[1:03:48] Old School

[1:03:49] which

[1:03:50] you know

[1:03:51] is kind

[1:03:52] of lauded

[1:03:52] as a

[1:03:53] as like

[1:03:54] a

[1:03:54] like a

[1:03:55] college comedy.

[1:03:56] I don't

[1:03:56] know.

[1:03:57] I mean

[1:03:57] it's funny

[1:03:57] enough.

[1:03:58] But I

[1:03:58] feel like

[1:03:59] it's

[1:03:59] if

[1:04:00] none of

[1:04:01] its characters

[1:04:02] were as

[1:04:02] terrible

[1:04:03] as I

[1:04:04] kind of

[1:04:04] wanted

[1:04:04] them to

[1:04:04] be.

[1:04:05] I want

[1:04:05] like

[1:04:06] it makes

[1:04:07] all the

[1:04:07] characters

[1:04:08] in Animal

[1:04:08] House

[1:04:09] seem like

[1:04:09] monsters.

[1:04:11] Yeah.

[1:04:11] None of

[1:04:11] these.

[1:04:12] I mean

[1:04:12] they are

[1:04:12] monsters.

[1:04:13] But that's

[1:04:13] part of

[1:04:14] what makes

[1:04:14] it funny.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:15] And I

[1:04:15] felt like

[1:04:16] none of

[1:04:16] the characters

[1:04:16] in Old

[1:04:17] School

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:17] were as

[1:04:18] terrible

[1:04:18] as I

[1:04:19] wanted

[1:04:19] them to

[1:04:19] be.

[1:04:21] In that

[1:04:21] like

[1:04:21] because

[1:04:22] that's

[1:04:22] the whole

[1:04:23] thing about

[1:04:24] a comedy

[1:04:25] about guys

[1:04:25] pretending

[1:04:26] they're in

[1:04:26] a fraternity

[1:04:26] like guys

[1:04:27] they're too

[1:04:27] old

[1:04:27] pretending

[1:04:28] they're in

[1:04:28] a fraternity

[1:04:29] or setting

[1:04:29] up a

[1:04:29] fraternity

[1:04:30] is you

[1:04:31] want them

[1:04:31] to be

[1:04:31] actually

[1:04:32] bad people

[1:04:33] that want

[1:04:33] to be

[1:04:33] bad again

[1:04:34] so that

[1:04:34] you could

[1:04:35] like live

[1:04:35] out the

[1:04:36] like the

[1:04:36] fantasy

[1:04:37] of being

[1:04:37] watching a

[1:04:38] bunch of

[1:04:39] old guys

[1:04:39] be dicks

[1:04:40] to people.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:41] There's a lot

[1:04:41] of comedy

[1:04:42] now that

[1:04:43] presents

[1:04:43] itself as

[1:04:44] like edgy

[1:04:45] or rough

[1:04:45] comedy

[1:04:45] and especially

[1:04:46] it's stuff

[1:04:47] where they

[1:04:47] then release

[1:04:48] DVDs that

[1:04:48] are like

[1:04:49] the unrated

[1:04:50] version

[1:04:50] but then

[1:04:51] you watch

[1:04:52] it and

[1:04:52] you're like

[1:04:53] oh this

[1:04:53] is not

[1:04:54] there's

[1:04:54] nothing like

[1:04:55] shocking

[1:04:56] or funny

[1:04:57] enough to be

[1:04:58] shocking

[1:04:58] or shocking

[1:04:58] enough to be

[1:04:59] funny.

[1:04:59] It's just

[1:05:00] going to

[1:05:00] like people

[1:05:01] talking about

[1:05:01] their dicks.

[1:05:02] That's what I

Dan McCoy

[1:05:02] remember like

[1:05:03] I didn't expect

[1:05:05] anything more

[1:05:06] out of this

[1:05:07] movie but I

[1:05:08] saw that movie

[1:05:08] Hall Pass

[1:05:09] where it was

[1:05:10] just like

[1:05:10] this movie

[1:05:11] is sold

[1:05:12] on like

[1:05:12] the premise

[1:05:13] of like

[1:05:13] oh like

[1:05:14] these guys

[1:05:14] are going

[1:05:15] to get

[1:05:15] the Hall

[1:05:15] Pass

[1:05:16] and like

[1:05:16] the comedy

[1:05:16] is like

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:17] hence the

[1:05:19] title.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:20] No I mean

[1:05:20] like the

[1:05:20] premise of it

[1:05:21] is like

[1:05:22] this titillating

[1:05:22] premise of

[1:05:23] like you

[1:05:24] know like

[1:05:25] what is

[1:05:25] luring people

[1:05:26] into the

[1:05:26] theater

[1:05:27] is like

[1:05:27] the comedy

[1:05:28] of the

[1:05:29] premise

[1:05:29] of like

[1:05:30] these married

[1:05:30] men like

[1:05:31] having like

[1:05:31] this chance

[1:05:32] to have sex

[1:05:33] outside of their

[1:05:34] marriage you know

[1:05:35] and like what's

[1:05:35] going to happen

[1:05:36] after that

[1:05:36] and the movie

[1:05:38] itself is so

[1:05:39] tame in

[1:05:40] reinforcing like

[1:05:41] just like the

[1:05:43] status quo of

[1:05:44] like oh of

[1:05:45] course none of

[1:05:46] them not

[1:05:46] neither of them

[1:05:47] can bear to do

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:48] marriage is great

[1:05:48] you know

[1:05:49] sex without

[1:05:50] love is

[1:05:50] meaningless

[1:05:51] exactly

Dan McCoy

[1:05:51] and like at

[1:05:52] that point

[1:05:52] it's just like

[1:05:53] well like you

[1:05:53] have literally

[1:05:55] like like I

[1:05:56] feel like movies

[1:05:57] like that really

[1:05:57] like lure people

[1:05:58] in under under

[1:06:00] this like titillating

[1:06:01] false pretense

[1:06:02] and as an

[1:06:03] excuse to

[1:06:04] reinforce societal

[1:06:05] norms

Stuart Wellington

[1:06:05] yep then it

[1:06:06] holds up a

[1:06:07] harsh mirror

[1:06:07] to the audience

[1:06:09] what have you

[1:06:10] done you should

[1:06:11] love the person

[1:06:11] who came to

[1:06:12] this shitty movie

[1:06:13] with you

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:13] you wanted

[1:06:14] this but it

[1:06:15] turns out you

[1:06:16] were wrong

[1:06:16] just like you

Dan McCoy

[1:06:17] know like fucking

[1:06:17] just go with

[1:06:18] the fucking

[1:06:18] premise like

[1:06:19] follow it

[1:06:20] through man

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:20] yeah be like

[1:06:21] bad lieutenant

[1:06:22] well like I

[1:06:25] guess uh

[1:06:25] sucker punch was

[1:06:26] kind of like

[1:06:26] that where it

[1:06:27] was it was

[1:06:28] seemed like it

[1:06:28] was gonna be

[1:06:29] this crazy

[1:06:30] maybe even

[1:06:31] sleazy movie

[1:06:32] but then it

[1:06:32] was similarly

[1:06:33] like you

[1:06:34] love this stuff

[1:06:35] and you're

[1:06:36] wrong to love

[1:06:37] it when it

[1:06:37] was like I

[1:06:38] don't like

[1:06:38] this stuff

[1:06:38] and even

[1:06:40] if I did

[1:06:41] why should

[1:06:41] I be made

[1:06:42] why should

[1:06:42] I be like

[1:06:43] told that it's

[1:06:44] wrong to see

[1:06:46] a

[1:06:46] like a

[1:06:47] fantasy

[1:06:47] type story

[1:06:48] you know

[1:06:48] yeah

[1:06:49] uh

[1:06:50] it's I

[1:06:51] don't I

[1:06:51] don't like

[1:06:52] movies that

[1:06:52] are that

[1:06:54] act like

[1:06:54] they're gonna

[1:06:54] be sleazy

[1:06:55] and then they

[1:06:55] shame you

[1:06:56] do you blame

[1:06:56] that on the

[1:06:57] marketing or

[1:06:57] the movie

[1:06:58] itself

[1:06:58] uh a little

[1:07:00] bit one

[1:07:00] sucker punch's

[1:07:00] case that

[1:07:01] was the

[1:07:01] movie all

[1:07:02] the way

[1:07:03] but uh

[1:07:04] these days

[1:07:05] the marketing

[1:07:06] is so much

[1:07:06] a part of

[1:07:06] the movie

[1:07:07] I don't

[1:07:07] know

[1:07:08] trailers for

[1:07:09] trailers right

[1:07:10] uh yep

[1:07:11] I guess so

[1:07:12] teasers having

[1:07:14] trailers

[1:07:14] yep

[1:07:15] yeah

[1:07:15] um

[1:07:16] on the other

[1:07:17] hand I don't

[1:07:17] there's a certain

[1:07:18] level of sleaze

[1:07:18] that I do not

[1:07:19] enjoy going to

[1:07:20] you know

Dan McCoy

[1:07:21] no no I'm not

[1:07:22] I'm not

[1:07:22] I'm not making a

[1:07:23] blanket like argument

[1:07:24] in favor of sleaze

[1:07:25] either I'm just

[1:07:26] saying that if you're

[1:07:27] going to do a

[1:07:29] certain thing then

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:29] like you can't

[1:07:30] know thyself

[1:07:31] I think it says

[1:07:32] in the Iliad

[1:07:33] in the first edition

Dan McCoy

[1:07:35] yeah uh

[1:07:38] yeah I don't like

[1:07:38] the I don't like

[1:07:39] the bait and switch

[1:07:39] on the audience

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:40] you want more

[1:07:41] of a masturbating

[1:07:41] switch

[1:07:42] um yeah I see

Dan McCoy

[1:07:46] no problem with

[1:07:46] that

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:46] I'll allow it

[1:07:48] there's nothing

[1:07:49] in the rule book

[1:07:49] that says I can't

[1:07:50] masturbate

[1:07:51] thank god

[1:07:53] because I've been

Dan McCoy

[1:07:54] doing it a lot

[1:07:56] uh so

[1:07:58] TMI

Elliott Kalan

[1:07:58] trademark

[1:08:00] incorporated

[1:08:02] Dan McCoy's

[1:08:04] masturbation

[1:08:04] industries

[1:08:05] so take it from

[1:08:06] me I do it a lot

[1:08:07] that's the Dan

[1:08:08] McCoy promise

[1:08:09] that was some

[1:08:09] uh that was some

[1:08:10] letters right

[1:08:11] yeah and now it's

Dan McCoy

[1:08:12] the final segment

[1:08:12] on our show

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:14] it's where we

[1:08:14] advertise Dan

[1:08:15] McCoy's masturbation

[1:08:16] school

[1:08:16] oh wow

[1:08:17] it's where the only

[1:08:18] place where you can

[1:08:18] join you can earn

[1:08:19] you can earn an

[1:08:20] MBA a masturbation

[1:08:23] bachelor's of arts

[1:08:24] anonymous

[1:08:25] it's an MBA

[1:08:26] but art is still

[1:08:27] involved

[1:08:27] oh no it's very

[1:08:29] subtle art

Dan McCoy

[1:08:30] this is where we

[1:08:33] recommend movies

[1:08:34] that we watched

[1:08:35] that we actually

[1:08:36] liked

[1:08:36] okay

[1:08:37] um

[1:08:38] I'll go first

[1:08:39] I watched the

[1:08:40] academy award winning

[1:08:41] documentary

[1:08:41] citizen 4

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:43] bikini academy

Dan McCoy

[1:08:44] which uh

[1:08:45] bikini

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:47] it was a harsh

[1:08:49] expose

[1:08:49] of the

[1:08:51] of the terrible

[1:08:52] conditions that

[1:08:53] bikini academies

[1:08:54] across America

[1:08:55] um

[1:08:56] many of these girls

[1:08:57] have to wear

[1:08:58] one pieces

[1:08:59] citizen 4

[1:09:00] sunburn is a

[1:09:01] real problem

[1:09:02] tops are

[1:09:04] constantly falling

[1:09:05] off

[1:09:06] I'm just gonna

[1:09:06] recommend it

[1:09:07] actually

[1:09:07] that's

[1:09:08] I would love to

[1:09:09] see a movie

[1:09:09] that was a fake

[1:09:10] documentary about

[1:09:11] the problem of

[1:09:12] bikini tops

[1:09:13] falling off

[1:09:14] anyway

[1:09:15] citizen 4

[1:09:16] it's about

[1:09:16] Edward Snowden

[1:09:17] yeah

[1:09:17] unprecedented access

[1:09:19] and they were

[1:09:19] filming it as

[1:09:20] the story was

[1:09:20] being revealed

[1:09:21] to the world

[1:09:22] right

Dan McCoy

[1:09:22] yeah and

[1:09:23] whatever your

[1:09:24] feelings on

[1:09:25] and I think

[1:09:25] that probably

[1:09:26] most people

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:26] do you think

[1:09:27] he's hot or

[1:09:27] not

Dan McCoy

[1:09:28] I think

[1:09:28] most people

[1:09:28] have complicated

[1:09:29] feelings about

[1:09:30] him

[1:09:30] um

[1:09:31] uh

[1:09:32] sexual

[1:09:32] this movie

[1:09:33] makes

[1:09:34] whether or not

[1:09:36] you believe

[1:09:36] what he did

[1:09:37] was justified

[1:09:37] it makes

[1:09:38] interesting

[1:09:38] points about

[1:09:39] um

[1:09:40] what the

[1:09:42] government is

[1:09:42] doing in terms

[1:09:43] of surveillance

[1:09:44] on its

[1:09:45] citizens

[1:09:45] and uh

[1:09:47] it also

[1:09:47] like very

[1:09:48] early in the

[1:09:48] movie

[1:09:49] like uh

[1:09:51] himself says

[1:09:51] like the

[1:09:53] media likes to

[1:09:54] make a person

[1:09:55] the story

[1:09:55] and I'm afraid

[1:09:56] of becoming

[1:09:57] the story

[1:09:57] and I think

[1:09:58] that that was

[1:09:59] exactly what

[1:09:59] happened with

[1:10:00] him

[1:10:00] like uh

[1:10:01] I think a lot

[1:10:02] of people's

[1:10:03] opinions on

[1:10:03] that story

[1:10:04] were formed

[1:10:04] by whether

[1:10:05] they thought

[1:10:05] he was kind

[1:10:06] of a douche

[1:10:06] or not

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:07] which most

[1:10:08] of the time

[1:10:08] was based

[1:10:08] just on like

[1:10:09] how he looked

Dan McCoy

[1:10:10] yeah it was

[1:10:10] not like

[1:10:11] anything like

[1:10:11] he actually

[1:10:12] comes off

[1:10:12] very well

[1:10:13] and and

[1:10:13] you know

[1:10:14] like that's

[1:10:14] because obviously

[1:10:15] the documentarian

[1:10:16] is sympathetic

[1:10:17] to him

[1:10:18] but I think

[1:10:19] but he also

[1:10:20] was given a lot

[1:10:20] of time to

[1:10:21] sort of just

[1:10:21] speak off the

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:22] cuff and he

[1:10:22] comes off

Dan McCoy

[1:10:23] well in the

[1:10:24] story and

[1:10:25] it's just you

[1:10:25] know it's an

[1:10:25] interesting

[1:10:26] political

[1:10:27] documentary

[1:10:28] about uh

[1:10:30] the current

[1:10:30] state of

[1:10:31] surveillance

[1:10:31] in the u.s

[1:10:33] how's j-lo

[1:10:33] in it

[1:10:34] uh she

[1:10:35] is banging

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:36] whoa

[1:10:38] banging

[1:10:39] okay wow

[1:10:40] you made it

[1:10:41] through that

[1:10:41] whole recommendation

[1:10:42] yeah

[1:10:43] i'm gonna

[1:10:44] recommend a

[1:10:45] current movie

[1:10:46] called

[1:10:48] faults

[1:10:49] uh

[1:10:51] in our stars

[1:10:51] nope

[1:10:52] that's that's

[1:10:53] for another

[1:10:54] podcast

[1:10:54] this podcast

[1:10:55] i'm recommending

[1:10:56] a movie called

[1:10:57] faults

[1:10:57] now uh

[1:10:59] faults is a

[1:11:00] i guess a

[1:11:01] thriller

[1:11:01] uh

[1:11:03] of the

[1:11:04] non-erotic

[1:11:04] variety

[1:11:05] non-erotic

[1:11:06] uh maybe a

[1:11:07] black comedy

[1:11:07] i don't know

[1:11:08] um

[1:11:08] it stars a

[1:11:11] cast of

[1:11:11] primarily

[1:11:12] character actors

[1:11:13] and mary

[1:11:15] elizabeth

[1:11:15] winstead

[1:11:16] um it's

[1:11:18] about a

[1:11:18] uh a

[1:11:20] cult

[1:11:20] de programmer

[1:11:21] who has

[1:11:22] received some

[1:11:23] level of

[1:11:23] notoriety

[1:11:24] and uh

[1:11:25] he's kind

[1:11:26] of down

[1:11:26] on his

[1:11:26] luck

[1:11:27] and he

[1:11:27] takes a

[1:11:28] uh

[1:11:30] he

[1:11:31] takes a

[1:11:31] job

[1:11:32] from some

[1:11:32] parents

[1:11:33] who are

[1:11:34] nervous that

[1:11:35] their daughter

[1:11:35] has been uh

[1:11:36] who has fallen

[1:11:37] into a

[1:11:38] dangerous cult

[1:11:39] and he

[1:11:40] takes the

[1:11:41] job to

[1:11:41] deprogrammer

[1:11:42] and uh

[1:11:44] the movie

[1:11:44] is uh

[1:11:46] you know

[1:11:47] it it

[1:11:47] it has

[1:11:48] it has a

[1:11:48] twist at some

[1:11:49] point

[1:11:49] and i don't

[1:11:51] actually think

[1:11:51] that totally

[1:11:52] works but

[1:11:53] it manages

[1:11:53] to do

[1:11:54] such a

[1:11:54] great job

[1:11:55] and such

[1:11:55] great uh

[1:11:56] character work

[1:11:57] from leland

[1:11:57] orser

[1:11:58] um that

[1:12:00] it it i

[1:12:01] think it's i

[1:12:01] think it's a

[1:12:02] good watch

[1:12:02] fine swiss

[1:12:06] watch

[1:12:06] elliot

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:07] i am going

[1:12:09] to recommend

[1:12:10] a movie

[1:12:10] super quick

[1:12:11] i haven't

[1:12:11] gotten to

[1:12:11] see too

[1:12:12] much lately

[1:12:12] and to be

[1:12:13] honest the

[1:12:14] movie that

[1:12:14] stuck with

[1:12:14] me the

[1:12:15] most is

[1:12:15] a movie

[1:12:15] that

[1:12:15] stewart

[1:12:16] recommended

[1:12:16] on a i

[1:12:17] think maybe

[1:12:18] the last

[1:12:18] episode

[1:12:19] a previous

[1:12:20] episode at

[1:12:20] the very

[1:12:20] least

[1:12:21] which was

[1:12:22] it follows

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:22] yeah uh

[1:12:23] followed you

[1:12:24] home and

[1:12:25] then to the

[1:12:25] movie theater

[1:12:26] where you

[1:12:26] watched it

[1:12:26] my recommendation

[1:12:27] that is

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:28] yep and

[1:12:29] then it

[1:12:29] followed me

[1:12:30] to now

[1:12:30] when uh

[1:12:31] it's a

[1:12:31] movie i've

[1:12:33] thought about

[1:12:33] a lot since

[1:12:34] i saw it

[1:12:34] it really

[1:12:35] captivated me

[1:12:36] and captured

[1:12:36] me uh

[1:12:37] when i was

[1:12:38] watching it

[1:12:38] and stuck

[1:12:39] with me

[1:12:39] afterwards

[1:12:40] and thought

[1:12:41] it was just

[1:12:41] really really

[1:12:42] good and

[1:12:43] uh is

[1:12:44] already early

[1:12:45] in the running

[1:12:46] for maybe my

[1:12:47] favorite movie

[1:12:47] of the year

[1:12:47] although again

[1:12:48] we're only in

[1:12:48] the first third

[1:12:49] but that being

[1:12:51] said it's my

[1:12:51] favorite movie

[1:12:52] the first third

[1:12:53] so at the

[1:12:54] risk of sounding

[1:12:55] repetitive and

[1:12:56] redundant and

[1:12:57] like a big

[1:12:57] old copycat

[1:12:58] mimic starring

[1:12:59] uh that would

[1:13:01] be the mirror

[1:13:02] sorvino and

[1:13:03] uh and uh

[1:13:04] sigone weaver in

[1:13:06] copycat mimic

[1:13:06] it's a combination

[1:13:08] of copycat and

[1:13:09] mimic where uh

[1:13:11] what's the name

[1:13:12] of the sing

[1:13:12] harry connick jr

[1:13:13] is pretending to

[1:13:14] be a giant

[1:13:15] cockroach uh

[1:13:16] i'm gonna recommend

[1:13:17] it follows

[1:13:18] all right

Dan McCoy

[1:13:20] i'm presented

[1:13:22] a copycat mimic

[1:13:24] mimic uh

[1:13:25] recommendation

[1:13:26] i mean you

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:26] can blame you

[1:13:27] can place the

[1:13:27] blame on the

[1:13:28] effects that movie

[1:13:29] had on me and

[1:13:30] that i haven't

[1:13:30] seen that many

[1:13:31] movies since then

Dan McCoy

[1:13:32] yeah and your

[1:13:33] baby who is the

[1:13:35] reason you haven't

[1:13:36] movies the main

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:36] reason i haven't

[1:13:37] movies yeah

[1:13:39] yeah we could do

[1:13:42] that

[1:13:42] blame it on

[1:13:45] rio 2 michael

[1:13:45] cain has sex

[1:13:46] with another

[1:13:46] underage girl

[1:13:47] um well guys

[1:13:49] i thought that

[1:13:50] was the one with

[1:13:50] the uh cartoon

[1:13:51] birds that's

[1:13:52] just called rio

[1:13:53] so blame it on

[1:13:55] rio is about

[1:13:57] michael cain

[1:13:58] having sex with

[1:13:58] a cartoon bird

[1:13:59] blame it on

[1:14:01] madagascar

Dan McCoy

[1:14:02] uh so guys

[1:14:04] thank you uh

[1:14:05] for being here

[1:14:06] thank you for

[1:14:07] being your

[1:14:08] friends

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:08] travel down the

[1:14:09] road and back

Dan McCoy

[1:14:10] again uh

[1:14:11] thank you all

[1:14:12] for listening

[1:14:13] for the flop

[1:14:13] house i've been

[1:14:14] dan mccoy

[1:14:15] yeah you have

[1:14:16] i'm stewart

[1:14:17] wellington

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:17] for squarespace

[1:14:18] i'm elliot

[1:14:19] kalin

[1:14:20] good night everyone

[1:14:21] check

[1:14:24] check please

[1:14:27] just the check

[1:14:29] i have it right

[1:14:29] here

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:30] no dessert

[1:14:30] as you'll see

[1:14:31] i comped a few

[1:14:32] of your items

[1:14:33] the gino's

[1:14:35] pizza rolls

[1:14:36] totally on the

[1:14:37] house sir

[1:14:37] thank you

[1:14:38] i mean i

[1:14:38] brought those

[1:14:39] and then you

[1:14:40] just heated

[1:14:40] them up in

[1:14:40] the microwave

[1:14:41] the di journo's

[1:14:43] pizza that was

[1:14:44] not delivered

[1:14:45] to you

[1:14:46] wink

[1:14:46] we delivered

[1:14:48] it to you

[1:14:48] uh that was

[1:14:49] also comped

Elliott Kalan

[1:14:49] thank you much

[1:14:50] appreciated

[1:14:51] what's this here

[1:14:52] where it says

[1:14:53] uh magnum

[1:14:54] one hundred

[1:14:55] dollars

[1:14:56] okay so

[1:14:58] have you ever

[1:14:58] had a

Stuart Wellington

[1:14:59] ice cream bar

[1:15:01] called a magnum

[1:15:02] no i'm not

[1:15:03] familiar with it

[1:15:04] well i charged

[1:15:04] you so i could

[1:15:05] eat it and it

[1:15:06] was delicious

Elliott Kalan

[1:15:07] i don't understand

[1:15:08] how your restaurant

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:09] works

[1:15:10] i don't either

[1:15:12] i don't own it

[1:15:13] i am just

[1:15:14] a waiter

[1:15:15] brian spring

[1:15:19] is sprung

Dan McCoy

[1:15:19] spring is sprung

[1:15:20] which means

[1:15:21] throwing shade

[1:15:21] is here

[1:15:22] we are

[1:15:23] we're every

[1:15:23] season

[1:15:24] we've been

Stuart Wellington

[1:15:24] here every

[1:15:24] season but

[1:15:25] now we're

[1:15:25] here again

Dan McCoy

[1:15:26] if you don't

[1:15:26] know what we

[1:15:27] do we take a

[1:15:27] look at lady

[1:15:28] issues and

[1:15:29] gay issues

[1:15:29] we treat them

[1:15:30] with much less

[1:15:30] respect than

[1:15:31] they deserve

[1:15:31] and we do it

[1:15:32] every week

Justin McElroy

[1:15:32] it's politics

[1:15:33] it's comedy

[1:15:33] it's absurdity

[1:15:34] it's um

[1:15:36] a lot of

[1:15:36] hairstyles

[1:15:37] so many

[1:15:37] hairstyles

[1:15:38] absolutely

[1:15:38] yes

Dan McCoy

[1:15:38] in your head

[1:15:39] picture people

[1:15:40] with a bunch

[1:15:40] of wigs on

[1:15:41] talking smack

[1:15:42] and smoking

[1:15:42] dope

Ep. #176 - The Boy Next Door

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