The Flop House: Episode #177 - Dracula: Untold

Dan McCoy

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we discuss Dracula colon untold.

Elliott Kalan

[0:05] Why would Dracula bother telling anyone about his colon?

[0:08] What's a podcast?

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

Dan McCoy

[0:41] Hey there, I am Stuart Wellington.

Elliott Kalan

[0:44] Welcome to the show. I'm Elliot Kalin.

Dan McCoy

[0:47] Step right up. Step right up and listen to a podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[0:50] You must be this tall to listen to this podcast, but I'm holding my hand very close to the ground.

[0:54] Basically, if you're taller than David the Gnome, go ahead and listen.

[0:58] But if you're David, my brother, get the fuck out of here.

[1:00] Wait, who's this David the Gnome?

[1:01] David the Gnome was a kid's television show.

Dan McCoy

[1:03] Why have you not ever introduced me to your friend David?

[1:06] No, he's not a real gnome.

[1:08] I'd like to meet a gnome.

[1:10] Apparently, you never thought that me, Dan McCoy, your best pal, would like to meet a gnome.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] Well, I tried to introduce you to Norm, a gnome named Norm.

[1:18] And I tried to introduce you to the troll in Central Park, and neither of those were apparently cool enough for you.

[1:24] Look, he's just a Connecticut Yankee.

Dan McCoy

[1:28] I was so busy hanging out at King Arthur's Court, you don't have time for a pebble and a penguin.

[1:33] Well, that was a problem.

[1:34] I was burned by that time that you introduced me to that penguin who kept talking about a pebble.

[1:38] I don't care.

[1:38] I told you that was his thing.

[1:40] I don't care how shiny his pebble is, how much he loves that pebble.

[1:43] It's just a fucking rock penguin.

Elliott Kalan

[1:44] Oh, and yet, fruity pebbles, give me more, please.

[1:47] Fill up my bowl with it.

Dan McCoy

[1:48] You're right.

[1:49] Checkmate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:50] I got you with your pebble hypocrisy.

[1:53] But that's not...

[1:54] All about the bass, no pebble, huh, Dan?

Stuart Wellington

[1:57] That is an oddly contemporary reference of you, Elliot.

Elliott Kalan

[2:01] I occasionally go to the supermarket and hear new music there.

[2:06] Playing over the Loudon speakers.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] The Loudon speakers.

[2:14] The Loudon Wainwright speakers.

[2:16] Yep.

[2:17] So this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

Stuart Wellington

[2:22] Just three dudes hanging out, shooting the shit.

[2:25] Chilling.

Dan McCoy

[2:26] Elliot, let me set the scene.

[2:27] Okay.

[2:28] Elliot has a big glass of water.

[2:29] Yep, you know it.

[2:30] With what looks like eight ice cubes in it.

[2:34] At least.

Elliott Kalan

[2:34] I like my water cold.

Dan McCoy

[2:36] Stu is drinking a Modelo.

[2:39] Yeah.

[2:39] And he also has a, what is that, a seltzer?

[2:43] A half-drunk Schweppes off to the side.

[2:45] Wow, a lot of product placement.

[2:47] And I'm having a Mezcal Old Fashioned.

[2:51] It's a drink he invented.

Elliott Kalan

[2:52] So it's racist.

[2:53] That's what's old-fashioned about it?

[2:55] What?

[2:56] It's racist and it says things you're kind of embarrassed about in public?

Dan McCoy

[2:58] Yeah, that's why you gotta drink it fast.

Stuart Wellington

[3:01] Get it in your belly where no one can hear it.

[3:03] He's gotta cover his head with a sheet, so he deprives all of his other senses from Mezcal.

Elliott Kalan

[3:09] So Dan, how does this fit into the-

Stuart Wellington

[3:10] They're sitting around a round table like the Knights of Old.

Elliott Kalan

[3:12] How does the, with our recording equipment like the Knights of Old, how does this fit into the watch a bad movie and talk about it mission statement?

[3:20] Which you put forth to the audience is the reason we do this thing.

Dan McCoy

[3:23] I just wanted to paint a word picture for their minds.

[3:28] Their word interpreting minds.

Elliott Kalan

[3:30] Van Gogh.

[3:31] Don't.

[3:32] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[3:34] I'm painting a nerd picture for them.

[3:36] Three nerds sitting around the table.

Stuart Wellington

[3:39] It's where you glue a bunch of nerds to a picture.

Elliott Kalan

[3:41] You mean the candy nerds?

[3:42] Yeah, not humans.

[3:44] It happens all the time.

[3:45] Rembrandt's The Night Watch has had nerds glued to it many times.

[3:49] I remember-

Dan McCoy

[3:50] The Nerd Watch.

[3:51] All those versions of Edward Munch's The Scream had nerds, and now they're lost to the ages.

[3:57] Yeah, yeah.

[3:58] Because termites say it right now.

[3:59] Thankfully, he did a bunch of those.

Elliott Kalan

[4:01] He had a lot of screaming to do.

Dan McCoy

[4:03] Yeah.

[4:03] But we watched a movie called Dracula Untold.

[4:06] It was about a Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[4:08] It was full of Draculas.

[4:10] You're right.

Dan McCoy

[4:11] The previously untold story of one.

Elliott Kalan

[4:14] Ripped from the headlines.

[4:15] One Gerald B. Dracula.

[4:17] Now, here's the thing.

[4:18] The Dracula story is not previously untold.

[4:20] It is quite often told.

[4:22] I don't-

[4:22] And I don't like the-

[4:23] I mean, this version hasn't been told before, but that's because it's terrible.

[4:26] The pretension of the title is, this is the origin of Dracula that-

[4:30] You never heard before, but this is the story of Dracula.

[4:33] This is the untold tale that has been hidden for ages.

Stuart Wellington

[4:36] Yeah, you had to read Stoker's Silmarillion or whatever he wrote.

Elliott Kalan

[4:39] Yeah, his unpublished works that his son, Chris Stoker, edited and put out for publication.

Stuart Wellington

[4:44] It's pronounced Christopher.

Elliott Kalan

[4:46] Gotta keep making money off my dad's name.

[4:47] C-R-I-S-S.

[4:49] Because it's Chris Angel Stoker.

[4:52] He's a mind freak and a posthumous publishing freak.

[4:56] But this is the origin story of Dracula.

[4:59] And this is, at first I think it's just going to be a new Dracula movie.

[5:02] And then, because the Marvel Universe of movies was such a hit, Universal Studios decided,

[5:07] hey, rather than just making use of this Dracula character who's been part of the Universal Monster Library for 80 years now,

[5:13] let's start a monster universe.

[5:15] Because you know what people, you know what, how what operates the same way as superheroes?

[5:19] Monsters.

[5:20] Now.

[5:21] So this became the seed for, I assume, Universal's plans to have multiple monsters.

Dan McCoy

[5:25] Is this part of the same universe as iFrancincense?

[5:27] Is that the same?

Elliott Kalan

[5:28] No, I think that's a different universe.

[5:30] Okay.

[5:30] I think it's a different studio, possibly, but I'm not sure about that.

Stuart Wellington

[5:32] Yeah, isn't one the underworld and this is the overworld?

Elliott Kalan

[5:36] I don't know.

[5:36] I don't know what that means.

[5:37] But here's the thing.

Dan McCoy

[5:38] More like blunder world.

[5:39] High five.

[5:39] Come on.

[5:40] Yeah.

[5:42] Anyway.

[5:42] Here's the thing.

[5:43] I wish you podcast listeners could see the look of pure disgust.

[5:48] It just gave me.

Elliott Kalan

[5:49] At flagrant misuse of a high five?

[5:52] Yes.

[5:52] So the thing is, there's a lot of potential in that idea of a shared universe because the

[5:58] Universal monsters were the original shared universe.

[6:01] They started as separate movies with separate characters and over time as Universal tried to

[6:06] wring every less dime out of these monsters.

[6:08] You know, like Abbott and Costello would show up.

[6:09] Abbott and Costello would show up.

[6:11] Frankenstein would meet the Wolfman.

[6:12] They'd go to the House of Dracula.

Dan McCoy

[6:14] Eventually Bela Lugosi met a Brooklyn gorilla.

Elliott Kalan

[6:16] It's not related.

[6:17] It's a different movie.

Dan McCoy

[6:19] But you did have these.

[6:20] I like the idea, though.

[6:21] Like, they just met, like, at a party.

[6:23] Because, like, it's the actor Bela Lugosi at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[6:25] I used to do a stand-up bit about how Japanese monster movies have conflict-based titles.

[6:30] It's Godzilla versus Hedorah, you know, or Godzilla versus King Ghidorah.

[6:35] But with American movies, there's always Frankenstein.

[6:38] Abbott and Costello meet Frankenstein.

[6:40] So you think they're just out of Mixer.

[6:42] Dracula meets the Wolfman.

[6:43] It's like, oh, Wolfman, I've heard quite a bit about you.

Dan McCoy

[6:47] You have a lot of shared interests, those two.

Elliott Kalan

[6:49] Mostly killing.

[6:50] I like drinking blood.

[6:51] I like drinking blood.

[6:52] We should hang out.

Dan McCoy

[6:53] Wolfmans drink blood?

[6:55] Well, they eat flesh.

[6:55] Depending on the folklore, we both don't like silver.

[6:59] This is, we should double dance.

[7:01] Garlic, too, maybe.

Stuart Wellington

[7:04] Wolfsbane doesn't do anything for me.

[7:06] But you.

[7:07] See, that's why they would want to meet, so they could cover all that shit.

Elliott Kalan

[7:10] Yeah, so they could compare notes on their monster lives.

[7:12] On their weaknesses.

[7:15] Just write them down.

[7:16] Just give it to each other so they know.

[7:17] Let's make a list and then hide it somewhere so that our monster hunter enemies can't find it.

[7:22] He's becoming a Nazi, as I do the voice.

Dan McCoy

[7:26] Let's be honest.

[7:27] None of our voices started out that great.

[7:29] No.

Elliott Kalan

[7:29] All monsters want someone to talk to because otherwise the only one they have to talk to is Bugs Bunny when he's giving them a manicure right before he blows them up.

[7:39] So, Dracula Untold is the origin story of Dracula, which the universe has been crying out for very quietly because nobody really cares that much about it.

[7:47] And it's one of a number of different attempts to make Dracula into more of a romantic hero than a force of unmitigated evil and darkness, which is the way I prefer the character personally.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] It seems like movies always labor under the delusion that, okay, this character has his name in the title, so we need to make him into a romantic hero of some kind.

[8:08] He must be the hero.

[8:09] Yeah.

[8:09] Rather than just, like, a mysterious force of darkness.

Elliott Kalan

[8:12] And this is a character who has a sexual charisma about him.

[8:15] Let's just go all the way and make him the good guy.

[8:18] Rather than having the audience be made uncomfortable by their attraction to this evil.

[8:22] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[8:23] Like, I'm not against, I guess, Universal trying to go their own way and have...

[8:27] They can go their own way.

[8:29] Okay, I was waiting for that.

Elliott Kalan

[8:30] Go their own way.

[8:31] Make a Dracula.

[8:33] They can tell the Dracula so it's not untold.

[8:38] Okay.

[8:39] Running on Dracula.

[8:40] Running on.

[8:42] Running on Drax.

[8:43] Tusk.

[8:46] He's like the wind.

[8:47] He's butting my neck.

Dan McCoy

[8:50] That's not even a Fleetwood Mac song at that point.

[8:53] That's a Patrick Swayze song.

Stuart Wellington

[8:55] That's a Patrick Swayze.

[8:55] Were we doing Fleetwood Mac songs?

[8:57] I thought it would work.

[8:57] Wait, you thought the other ones were Patrick Swayze songs?

Elliott Kalan

[8:59] I thought they were all Patrick Swayze songs.

[9:01] We had an empty.

[9:03] That other one, Tusk.

Dan McCoy

[9:04] I might have a bat catalog that you cannot...

[9:06] A bat catalog.

[9:07] But that's what Dracula has.

[9:08] Because it's Dracula.

Stuart Wellington

[9:09] Let's talk about Dracula.

[9:10] What were you going to say?

[9:10] So I like the idea that...

[9:12] So Universal might be trying to establish their own, like, world of Dracula.

[9:18] But they borrow...

Dan McCoy

[9:19] That was the exhibit at...

[9:20] But they borrow so heavily on...

[9:21] The Discovery Center, world of Dracula.

Stuart Wellington

[9:22] They borrow so heavily on, like, the Coppola 90s movie.

[9:25] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:26] By 2015, Draculas will be all diesel.

[9:31] They will no longer feed on blood.

Stuart Wellington

[9:33] I mean, he's ripped.

[9:34] He is...

[9:35] He's super diesel as it is.

[9:36] He's Shaq diesel.

Elliott Kalan

[9:37] But you're right.

[9:38] They, like...

[9:39] It's...

[9:40] I would not mind a totally original take on Dracula.

[9:43] But to have, like, a half...

[9:44] The same thing that happens with a lot of the movies we watch, where they don't go all the way into originality.

[9:49] They just kind of steal from other places.

Dan McCoy

[9:51] Well, and as I was saying...

Elliott Kalan

[9:52] This is like the new RoboCop of Dracula's.

Dan McCoy

[9:54] While we were watching it, like, I'm just tired of revisionist takes on everything.

[9:59] Like, it seems like movies that are made these days are just, like, the idea that we have...

[10:05] Oh, we've got a new take on this.

[10:07] And so it's got...

[10:08] It's a good take in their mind.

[10:08] You would prefer a new take on it.

Stuart Wellington

[10:10] Well, no.

[10:10] I mean, it's just like...

[10:11] Well, maybe.

[10:12] Maybe.

[10:12] Admit it, Dan.

Dan McCoy

[10:13] I would.

[10:14] But why are you interested in the property in the first place?

Elliott Kalan

[10:18] If it was called Dracula Unclothed, you'd be all over it.

[10:20] I would.

Dan McCoy

[10:22] And I've probably watched that movie on Cinemax.

[10:24] But, like, you have to look at the property in the first place and be like, why am I interested in this character?

[10:30] You know?

[10:31] And at that point, it feels like it would be a more original thing at this point to just do a straight-up Dracula adaptation and try to do it well.

Stuart Wellington

[10:39] Instead of some kind of Draxian hero.

Elliott Kalan

[10:41] Yeah.

[10:41] Straight up, now tell me what's the Dracula story all about, as Paul Abdul sang.

Stuart Wellington

[10:45] Okay, so how does this movie...

[10:48] MC Drak Cat.

Elliott Kalan

[10:49] MC Drak Cat.

[10:51] Opposites bite each other.

[10:54] Not even opposites a drack, Elliot.

[10:58] Too obvious.

[11:00] So let's quickly go through the plot as quickly as we ever can on this show.

Stuart Wellington

[11:03] I take two steps forward.

[11:05] You take two steps, drack.

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] We come together because opposites a drack?

[11:09] You can't run drack with drack.

Dan McCoy

[11:11] Yeah, that's the problem.

[11:13] We gotta go back to the drawing board on this.

Elliott Kalan

[11:15] Remember in the 80s when, like, Demi Moore and Rob Lowe were part of the drack pack?

[11:19] And they were the hot young stars who were biting people and sucking their blood out?

[11:23] They could get away with anything back then.

[11:25] Anyway, so we start in the Middle Ages, where we are told about how the Ottoman Empire, to retain the loyalty of its vassal states, takes tributes in the form of children that they train into feared janissary warriors.

[11:39] One of these, Vlad the Impaler, a prince of Transylvania, who at the time is just called Vlad.

[11:44] He's yet to impale anybody.

[11:46] He is taught to be a feared warrior, and then he eventually becomes the impaler because that's his thing.

[11:53] That's how he shows off how many people he kills and impales them.

[11:56] He decides that he doesn't want to be a soldier anymore, and he returns to become prince of Transylvania.

[12:02] And there he lives in peace because he pays tribute in the form of silver coins to his Ottoman Turk warlords.

[12:11] He's out with his scouting party one day, his best buds, his merry men, if you will, and they find a trail.

[12:17] A bunch of blonde guys, basically.

[12:19] Yeah, because this being Transylvania and the Middle Ages, they're all blonde or English looking and have English accents.

[12:25] Very historically accurate.

Stuart Wellington

[12:26] It's guys on their lunch break from the set of that Vikings TV show.

Elliott Kalan

[12:31] It does feel at times like they shot it as a lark in between Vikings scenes.

[12:36] It's not called that Vikings TV show.

Dan McCoy

[12:38] No, it does not follow the That 70s show titling rubric.

Elliott Kalan

[12:41] But what if it did?

[12:44] And Dracula, we should mention, or Vlad, is played by Luke Evans, a Flophouse 3 Peter, I believe.

Stuart Wellington

[12:50] Yeah, he was one of them musketeers.

[12:52] He was a musketeer and he wasn't immortal, right?

[12:54] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[12:55] He's Bob Evans' brother, little known fact.

[12:57] I don't think that's true.

[12:58] Famed restaurateur, Bob Evans.

Elliott Kalan

[13:00] Yeah, he's a regular, you know, Eric Repair, that guy.

[13:07] That's where you take your Eric's when they're broken.

[13:10] It's Eric Repair.

[13:11] Anyway, I'll show myself out.

[13:14] Bye, Elliot.

[13:15] The scouting party goes to a mountain cave on Broke Tooth Mountain, which I guess is the ancient Transylvanian version of Broke Back Mountain.

[13:23] And I expected Dracula and his men just to fall in love and start doing it right there.

[13:27] Do some impaling.

[13:28] Yeah, tell their wives that they were going on a ye olde fishing trip, but that didn't happen.

[13:33] Do some impaling.

[13:35] I just heard that.

[13:36] It took that, like a brontosaurus with its nerve, the nerve impulse going from its tail to its head.

[13:42] It took a long time for me to hear that joke.

[13:45] They found...

Dan McCoy

[13:45] It's because your brain was trying to protect you from it.

[13:48] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:49] A cloud of bats escaped from the cave.

Dan McCoy

[13:54] No, you're right.

[13:55] There's a lot of clouds of bats in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[13:57] There's a lot of bat clouds, so don't laugh every time I mention them because there's a lot of bat clouds.

[14:00] And they find themselves in what seems to be an abattoir of men.

[14:03] There's just bones everywhere.

[14:04] And some kind of horrible creature kills all of Vlad's men before he cuts it with his sword or reflects the sunlight onto it with his sword and it runs away.

[14:13] Anyway, Vlad goes back home and a local monk tells him, hey, you were fighting a vampire in there.

[14:19] Don't go back.

[14:20] It's a guy who was cursed to eat blood forever and now he's a demon or something.

[14:24] Vlad the Impaler has a fine time with his wife, joking around, and he pulls her into a bathtub with her.

[14:31] Then it's Easter.

[14:33] Wait, hold on.

[14:35] What?

[14:35] It was Easter?

[14:36] Yeah.

[14:37] All right.

[14:37] They mentioned that.

Stuart Wellington

[14:38] They're not looking for eggs or nothing.

[14:40] It's Middle Ages.

[14:41] They didn't do that shit yet.

[14:42] Easter existed.

Elliott Kalan

[14:43] They're all Christians.

Dan McCoy

[14:44] Yeah, all right.

[14:44] I just didn't notice that.

Elliott Kalan

[14:45] Just because they weren't biting heads off chocolate bunnies doesn't mean it's not Easter.

[14:49] They weren't singing Peter Cottontail or nothing.

[14:52] That's not even an Easter song.

[14:54] Critters 2 wasn't going on around them or anything.

[15:00] Just because they didn't sit back and what, watch football or something?

[15:03] What happens during Easter?

Dan McCoy

[15:05] Not a lot.

[15:07] There's more chocolate in the CBS than usual.

Elliott Kalan

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:10] Just because in the next scene we didn't see Dracula buying half-price peeps at CBS doesn't mean it wasn't Easter.

[15:18] It's a good deal.

[15:20] You have to wait for after the holiday.

[15:22] Again, I'm turning into a Nazi.

Dan McCoy

[15:24] I like to sink my teeth into them and suck the marshmallow out from...

[15:29] Children...

[15:29] Just leave a husk of sprinkles.

Elliott Kalan

[15:32] Children of the sugar.

[15:34] What beautiful tastes they make.

[15:37] I don't eat peeps.

[15:39] Yes, I do.

[15:40] Ow.

Dan McCoy

[15:42] I guess that was Dracula for peeps.

[15:44] This is a really weird...

[15:46] This is a weird ad concept, Don Draper.

Elliott Kalan

[15:49] Dracula...

[15:49] No, no.

[15:51] Peeps is an old Greek word meaning an unhealed vampire.

[15:55] What do we...

[15:56] We all want to make a peep.

[15:57] We all want to make a sound.

[15:59] We all want to be heard.

[16:00] But no one's heard.

[16:02] That's why we need our peeps.

[16:04] They talk when we can't.

[16:05] And who also talks when we can't?

[16:07] Vampires.

[16:08] Dracula.

Dan McCoy

[16:09] Is this what they taught you growing up in that brothel?

[16:10] I don't understand.

Elliott Kalan

[16:11] Whenever I was a young boy, I'd help the prostitutes steal from the men, from their pockets.

[16:17] They'd give me a dollar.

[16:18] I'd spend it on peeps.

[16:19] And then I'd bite into the peeps' neck and suck the cream out, pretending I was a vampire.

[16:24] That was the happiest moment of my life.

Dan McCoy

[16:25] You're a real creep, Don.

[16:26] Get out.

[16:27] Get out of here.

Elliott Kalan

[16:28] A creep for peeps.

[16:29] And that's the slogan we've been working on that I think you're going to like.

[16:32] Be a creep for peeps.

[16:34] And you've got a big picture of Dracula biting a peep.

[16:36] He's got a ghoulish smile on his face.

[16:38] As if to say, I want to suck your blood, but I want peeps more.

[16:42] Another good tagline.

[16:44] Here's a, okay, how about this?

Dan McCoy

[16:46] You've already lost the account.

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] A young couple runs into a churchyard, perhaps to make love, away from the prying eyes of the community.

[16:55] They have with them a basket of that greatest aphrodisiac, Easter peeps.

[17:00] Because what puts us in the mood more than a tiny marshmallow chicken?

[17:04] Now, or canary or whatever it is.

[17:07] We see a shadow hulking after them, stalking them.

[17:11] Is it the groundskeeper?

[17:12] No, it's Dracula.

[17:13] He rears up.

[17:14] They run off frightened, leaving their peeps behind.

[17:17] And he looks at the camera and says, well, I got what I wanted.

[17:20] Bites the head off a peep.

[17:22] Dracula.

[17:22] He's creeps for peeps.

Dan McCoy

[17:23] Roger, can you do something about this?

[17:26] You rein in your buddy.

Elliott Kalan

[17:27] I'm not drunk.

[17:28] You're drunk.

[17:29] Dracula for peeps.

[17:30] Let's get out of here, Vlad.

[17:32] Anyway, that's the last episode of Mad Men.

[17:34] I hope we didn't spoil it for anybody.

[17:37] So, while they're celebrating Easter with his wife and his son named Ingress, a bunch of soldiers come in.

[17:44] And he says, oh, I have your tribute.

[17:45] And he says, no, no, no.

[17:46] We're taking children now.

[17:47] We want a tribute of a thousand boys, including your son, Vlad.

Stuart Wellington

[17:52] It's one of those bad guys who shows up and just is like, every time he says a line, he has this shit-eating grin like,

[17:59] ah, you hero, you're never going to stop me.

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] Everyone, the villagers all love Vlad because he keeps the peace.

[18:08] And the Ottomans all really resent him.

[18:12] And they're very smug about it.

[18:14] Yeah.

[18:14] And I didn't like that.

Stuart Wellington

[18:16] And the Ottomans are mainly more white blonde guys.

Elliott Kalan

[18:19] Yes.

[18:19] The Ottomans, by the way, except for their leader.

Stuart Wellington

[18:21] They were all armed with, like, Klingon batleths.

Elliott Kalan

[18:23] Yeah.

[18:24] They do all have Klingon battle axes.

[18:26] What are they called?

[18:26] Batleths?

[18:27] Mm-hmm.

[18:28] And the leader is Howard Stark from the Marvel series.

[18:32] Mm-hmm.

[18:32] Yeah.

[18:32] Except they darked up his skin and he has kind of an accent.

[18:36] Yeah.

[18:36] And whenever he walks, he swaggers so much that he's just thrown his shoulders around.

[18:40] He is, every step is perpendicular to the last step.

[18:43] It's amazing.

Stuart Wellington

[18:44] Yeah.

[18:46] His acting coach is the cartoon Brad Pitt from Cool World.

Dan McCoy

[18:53] Such a specific reference.

[18:55] That was great.

Elliott Kalan

[18:55] That was good stuff.

[18:56] You go with that.

[18:58] Okay.

[18:59] Bye, guys.

[18:59] I'm going to go.

[19:00] Now, Vlad refuses.

[19:01] Then he decides, maybe I will submit my son as a tribute.

[19:04] Then he decides he won't.

[19:05] And he kills all these bad guy soldiers.

[19:06] He chops the hands off of one of them.

Stuart Wellington

[19:07] Yeah, he's like just about to do it and then the bad guy has to say one more shitty thing.

[19:11] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[19:13] Vlad says, there's no way we can stop this Ottoman army.

[19:17] So he goes to Broketooth Mountain to talk to the vampire in, I would say, one of the two

[19:22] entertaining scenes in the movie.

[19:24] Mm-hmm.

[19:25] The bad vampire is played by, what's his name?

[19:27] Charles Dance.

[19:28] Charles Dance.

[19:29] Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones.

[19:30] Yeah.

[19:31] Whereas you reminded us, the assassin from Last Action Hero.

Dan McCoy

[19:34] Yeah, with the weird, like, gun sight contact lenses.

Elliott Kalan

[19:39] And he's all dressed up like-

Stuart Wellington

[19:41] Those are contact lenses?

[19:42] I thought it was like a fake eye.

[19:44] Is it?

Elliott Kalan

[19:44] I don't-

[19:45] I don't remember.

[19:46] In real life, it was a contact lens.

[19:46] Let's just watch Last Action Hero.

[19:48] Yeah.

[19:48] Pause the recording.

[19:49] Let's go watch L.A.H.

[19:51] And then we'll get back to this, as the fans call it.

[19:53] Hero heads.

[19:55] Blasters.

[19:55] They also call themselves Lasters.

[19:57] Blasters?

[19:57] Blasters.

[19:58] Okay.

[19:58] Blaster is a big guy that you ride on top of in the Thunderdome.

Dan McCoy

[20:01] Okay.

[20:02] Oh, I thought you were talking about Master Blaster.

Elliott Kalan

[20:04] Uh, that's what I was just talking about.

[20:06] Okay.

[20:07] So, Charles Dance is in this movie.

[20:09] Charles Dance, he's all pale with a black shroud over him.

[20:11] He looks like Scryer, one of the worst Spider-Man characters ever created.

[20:15] Okay.

[20:15] So that's one of the spider web heads.

[20:17] And he kind of is way creepier and more interesting, to me at least, than Dracula has been through the entire movie and from any point after.

[20:26] There's something inhumanly evil about him, like a guy who's lived in a cave forever just eating people like a descent monster.

Stuart Wellington

[20:32] Yeah, even though he basically just shows up to deliver exposition.

[20:35] Yeah.

[20:36] And to offer...

[20:36] He does it with more panache and character than anything else in this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[20:39] And to offer a devilish deal to Blast.

Dan McCoy

[20:41] You make a good point, which is how does he eat people in that cave?

[20:44] Does he just, like, order a bunch of takeout and then just feed on the takeout guy?

Elliott Kalan

[20:48] He is essentially, to this movie, what the Sarlacc is to Return of the Jedi.

[20:52] He is a big open hole in a place nobody goes.

[20:56] And somehow he manages to survive on that.

Dan McCoy

[20:58] Yeah.

[20:59] I mean, and, like, we see him, like, the first time our hero manages to avoid him.

[21:02] I mean, he lives in Broke Tooth Mountain.

[21:04] It's beautiful there.

Stuart Wellington

[21:05] There's got to be a shitload of hikers.

Dan McCoy

[21:08] Our hero manages to avoid him the first time he encounters him.

[21:10] So, like, he's got to be like, ah, stupid, stupid vampire.

[21:15] Ah, I fucked up again.

[21:16] Well, it looks like I'm not going to eat for another year.

Elliott Kalan

[21:19] I love the idea of a vampire who beats himself up a lot in private.

Stuart Wellington

[21:21] And he calls himself vampire.

Elliott Kalan

[21:25] Stupid Dracula.

Dan McCoy

[21:26] You're the worst vampire.

[21:29] Idea for children's book, the worst vampire.

Stuart Wellington

[21:32] Yeah, because he tries to see himself.

Elliott Kalan

[21:33] Idea for children's book, Bonicula.

Stuart Wellington

[21:35] What if I was a bunny?

[21:37] That was a thing.

[21:38] Does he, like, does he drink blood or just eat vegetables?

[21:42] What the fuck's going on?

[21:43] Bonicula sucks the juice out of vegetables.

[21:45] He would drain vegetables.

[21:46] What is scary about that?

[21:47] It's not really a scary book.

Dan McCoy

[21:49] I'm not really sure.

[21:50] Well, it's a funny book.

[21:51] I'm not sure why the other pets were freaked out by it, though.

[21:54] Because they were not in any immediate danger.

[21:56] It's creepy.

[21:57] Vegetarian rabbit.

Elliott Kalan

[21:59] Look, Count Ducula was a vegetarian, too.

[22:01] It doesn't mean that that guy wasn't always trying to kill him.

[22:03] Ketchup?

[22:04] Would he?

Dan McCoy

[22:04] Ketchup?

[22:04] That was his thing, right?

Elliott Kalan

[22:05] Yeah, he liked tomatoes and ketchup and stuff.

Stuart Wellington

[22:08] Did Darkwing Duck and Count Ducula ever have a crossover?

Elliott Kalan

[22:11] I wish.

[22:11] I don't think they did, but that would have been great.

[22:13] Considering they were from two different companies and continents.

Dan McCoy

[22:16] Ducula was the danger mouse people, right?

[22:18] The same company?

[22:19] Yeah, I think so.

Elliott Kalan

[22:20] It was English and a similar animation.

Stuart Wellington

[22:21] The thing I would love about a self-hating vampire is the fact that he can't even have that scene where he looks in the mirror and berates himself.

Elliott Kalan

[22:27] He can't see himself.

[22:29] But in this movie, he can.

[22:30] There's a whole scene, I'll skip ahead, where Dracula's fighting, and he's watched in the reflection of a sword, which he shouldn't be able to do, right?

[22:38] Anyway, the vampire says to Vlad, I'm going to give you a taste of my blood.

Dan McCoy

[22:42] He says, Vlad, I says, I said.

Elliott Kalan

[22:43] I says to him, Vlad, I'm going to give you some of my blood, quoting the title of the great Theodore Sturgeon novella, Some of My Blood, A Modern Vampire Story.

[22:52] If you haven't read it, it's a fantastic book.

[22:55] He says, I'm going to give you some of my blood to drink.

[22:57] Just drink it out of this broken skull.

[22:58] Drink it out of this skull top.

[23:00] You'll have three days of total vamping.

[23:02] If you can avoid drinking someone else's blood in that three days, which you're going to want to do.

Dan McCoy

[23:06] Seems easy.

[23:06] Seems totally easy.

Elliott Kalan

[23:07] Then you know what?

[23:08] The trial period is over.

[23:10] You get to return the vampire powers.

Dan McCoy

[23:12] We keep a peaceful kingdom as my gift to you.

[23:14] Stu, once you've got that in your head, once you're thinking about drinking blood, all you want to do is drink blood.

Stuart Wellington

[23:19] One thing I can't do is drink blood.

[23:21] I'll be fine.

Dan McCoy

[23:21] If I told you right now you can't drink any blood, you're just going to be thirsty.

[23:25] I'm going to drink all your blood.

[23:27] You're going to get that sweet blood.

[23:31] That's basically what happens.

[23:32] I can see you looking at me right now like I'm turning into a big chicken leg in front of your face.

Stuart Wellington

[23:37] But instead of a chicken leg, you're just a giant pulsing vein, I guess.

[23:41] Or a blood sausage.

[23:42] A blood sausage would make sense.

Dan McCoy

[23:43] Yeah, I'm like one of those bags of plasma.

[23:47] That you would have in an IV.

[23:48] A plasma blag.

[23:50] Yeah, a plasma blast.

[23:54] A plasma bag.

[23:55] That's what the nurse says.

[23:56] We're going to hook you up.

[23:56] We're just going to give you a plasma blast.

Stuart Wellington

[23:58] That's the Doritos extreme version of blood bags.

Elliott Kalan

[24:01] The nurse blasts him with 20 cc's of plasma.

[24:04] They just put it in a super soger and shoot it into your mouth.

Dan McCoy

[24:09] Nurse, it's not going to get into his veins if you shoot it in his mouth.

Stuart Wellington

[24:14] It'll get in there eventually.

Dan McCoy

[24:15] No, it's going to pass through his intestinal system.

[24:18] He's just going to shit that blood right out.

Stuart Wellington

[24:20] Cindy, after this dirt bike accident, just take me to the extreme hospital.

Elliott Kalan

[24:25] We're going to blast you full of plasma, man.

Dan McCoy

[24:32] New ectoplasma blasts.

Elliott Kalan

[24:34] We're going to set this bone to the extreme, radical.

[24:38] This is some radical surgery.

[24:40] It's the same surgery, but I've got my hat on backwards.

[24:44] And there's a slingshot in my scrubs.

[24:45] Anyway, so Vlad takes the deal.

[24:49] He says, this is going to give me the power to fight off the Ottomans, and I won't drink

[24:54] any blood for three days.

[24:55] So the joke's on you, vampire.

[24:57] And the vampire says something like, if you become a vampire, I'll be freed from my curse,

[25:02] and I can leave this cave and use you as a tool to get revenge on my captors.

[25:06] This is not mentioned again until the last seconds of the movie.

[25:10] Why?

[25:11] Because it's dumb.

[25:12] But anyway, Vlad goes.

[25:14] He wakes up in a riverbed, and he has the moment in every superhero movie where he discovers

[25:17] what his powers are by bumbling around and crumbling rocks in his hand and healing

[25:22] real fast and falling into a stream and shit.

[25:25] Anyway.

[25:25] Bumbling and stumbling.

Stuart Wellington

[25:26] He's bumbling and stumbling.

[25:28] He's tripping and ripping.

[25:29] He's groping and poping.

[25:30] But whereas in a superhero movie, it's that moment of childlike wonder.

[25:35] Like, oh, wow, I have powers now.

[25:37] This is silly because it's like, I'm a vampire now, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[25:41] Yeah, there's a big downside to what he can do.

[25:44] But so he goes back to his home, and the Ottomans show up.

[25:51] And they're like, we invented this new thing.

Dan McCoy

[25:53] You put your legs on it.

[25:54] It's like, I don't want to hear about it.

Stuart Wellington

[25:57] I'll just pull a chair up.

[26:00] Vlad goes out and kills the whole army.

[26:02] I'll pull up this cat bed I bought.

Dan McCoy

[26:06] I'll just get a bale of hay.

[26:08] I put my legs up on my son, the son that I'm not giving to you.

Elliott Kalan

[26:13] Crouch down here.

[26:14] Let me put my legs on your back.

Dan McCoy

[26:17] We've always done it here.

Elliott Kalan

[26:18] Why do you think I didn't give him to you?

[26:19] Because I want to put my legs on him.

[26:21] So the Ottomans apparently follow ninja rules, which is that an entire army of people circles the one hero and fights him one-on-one.

[26:30] Until they're all totally dead.

[26:31] Until they're all dead.

[26:32] They're all deadified.

[26:33] And so you have an army of people is racing towards a castle.

[26:37] Vlad walks out to meet them.

[26:38] And instead of a few guys stopping to fight Vlad as the other guys run to the castle, everyone circles around him.

[26:45] They're like, one guy?

[26:46] Let's go kill him.

[26:47] This is going to be the sweetest murder of all.

[26:49] And then he totally destroyifies them with his vampire powers.

[26:52] He's turning into a cloud of bats.

[26:54] He picks up their swords and stabs them a lot.

[26:56] And Stuart, as you pointed out, at one point he says, men don't fear swords.

[26:59] They fear monsters.

[27:00] But then he just uses his monster powers to be a great sword fencer and stab them with swords.

Stuart Wellington

[27:04] If there's one thing I've heard about medieval soldiers is that they always choose to fight the toughest thing possible instead of fighting the wimps and the ladies that are stuck in the castle.

[27:14] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[27:15] If I was one of those Ottoman soldiers, I am rushing towards the castle.

[27:19] I'm not going to deal with that guy.

[27:20] Let me go to the castle, kill everybody in there, take it over, close the gates.

[27:24] Dracula can't get in and stop me.

Stuart Wellington

[27:26] Maybe if they'd thrown out a scene where somebody said, hey, kill that guy.

[27:29] I'll give you a hundred, I don't know, Ottoman credits.

[27:32] What do they use?

[27:34] Otbuck.

[27:35] Or if his armor was made out of gold or...

Elliott Kalan

[27:38] If there was some reason that they had for wanting to go after him specifically.

[27:42] Yeah.

[27:43] But that doesn't happen.

[27:44] Anyway, he says to his guys, I just destroyed a whole army.

[27:48] Let's evacuate and get out of here.

[27:50] They go to a different castle, which is this crazy monastery.

Dan McCoy

[27:55] It is a kooky monastery.

[27:57] On the way there, there's a...

[27:58] All the monks are doing crazy things.

Elliott Kalan

[28:01] There's a Romani who goes like, hey, I know you're a vampire.

[28:04] You want to drink my blood?

[28:05] And he's like, no, that's cool.

[28:07] They go to the monastery.

[28:08] And unfortunately, there's an ambush by soldiers.

[28:14] And Vlad shows up and does the stealth thing where he's a cloud of bats killing bad guys one by one.

[28:21] Even though there's a battle already.

[28:23] The fact that he has superpowers makes everyone think he's a vampire, which he is.

[28:27] They try to kill him by burning him alive.

[28:29] This is his own people.

[28:30] But he escapes.

[28:31] And he says, I only became a vampire so I can save you jerks.

[28:35] Yeah.

[28:35] The Ottoman army.

Dan McCoy

[28:36] Look at yourselves.

[28:38] Who is the real monster?

[28:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[28:40] Check your own selves.

Dan McCoy

[28:41] Check your privilege.

Elliott Kalan

[28:43] Check your living non-undead privilege.

[28:46] I can't walk around in the sun.

[28:48] You take that for granted.

[28:50] The police stop me wherever I go.

[28:52] You know what it's like to walk into a store and be followed around by the Van Helsing they hired to keep vampires from stealing stuff and biting the customers?

[28:59] That's right.

Stuart Wellington

[29:00] I can't eat pizza with garlic on it.

[29:02] I got to eat it with sweet onions.

[29:04] It's terrible.

Elliott Kalan

[29:07] Step, walk a mile in my vamp boots.

[29:09] You'll know what it's like.

[29:11] Fly a mile in my cloud of bats.

Dan McCoy

[29:13] I have to be invited in to go anywhere and no one's going to invite me in.

Elliott Kalan

[29:17] I've never been invited to the bathroom at the public library so I can't use it.

Stuart Wellington

[29:23] I can't cross running water.

[29:25] All water is running dudes.

[29:27] Well, that's not true.

Dan McCoy

[29:30] Stuart happens to be checking his phone.

[29:34] He throws out a patently false thing and then he's just like, uh, wait, hold on.

[29:38] Now I'm double checking it on Wikipedia.

Elliott Kalan

[29:39] It's a grand mistake that's going on my phone.

[29:40] I can't look at myself in the mirror.

[29:42] I have to take it for granted that my hair looks good.

[29:44] Nobody tells me.

Dan McCoy

[29:46] Well, it does.

[29:46] It looks excellent.

Elliott Kalan

[29:47] It's like, it looks amazing, dude.

[29:50] I can have something stuck in my teeth forever because I'm going to be alive forever and I

[29:55] can't look in a mirror.

Stuart Wellington

[29:56] It's tough being a vampire.

[29:58] I mean, you could ask somebody.

[29:59] You could ask one of your Renfields or whatever.

Elliott Kalan

[30:01] This reminds me of a, uh, of another, I talked about a standup bit I did, I used to do

[30:05] earlier.

[30:05] This reminds me of a sketch I wrote once, uh, about after the, uh, the tribute for Hurricane

[30:11] Katrina, where they were trying to raise money.

[30:14] Sounds hilarious.

[30:14] The one where, uh, instead it was a tribute for the now homeless monsters of New Orleans.

[30:19] Oh.

[30:19] It was very dumb, but it was, uh, had Dracula saying that George Bush doesn't care about

[30:24] vampire people.

[30:25] So, anyway, I was young.

[30:27] So.

[30:27] Trench it.

[30:28] Oh, yeah.

[30:29] It was real satire.

[30:31] Uh, the point is, guess what?

Stuart Wellington

[30:34] Eventually everybody's like, okay, Dracula, you can help us fight this army.

Elliott Kalan

[30:38] The Ottomans attack again.

[30:39] A lot of this movie is Ottoman armies attacking and Dracula just plowing through them.

[30:43] Never getting threatened by them, really.

[30:46] No.

[30:46] In this case, the Ottoman army attacks and Dracula unleashes his biggest attack yet.

[30:50] We call it the Bat Fist.

[30:52] He collects a swarm of, like, a million bats, and then he, like a conductor or a power glove,

[30:59] he controls them with his fist while they form the shape of a giant fist and are just

[31:03] punching the Ottoman army.

Stuart Wellington

[31:04] I think it's a fist.

[31:05] It's really tough to say.

[31:05] This movie's pretty dark.

[31:07] Yeah, it's very dimly lit.

[31:08] And by dark, I mean dark and gritty.

[31:11] Oh, yeah.

[31:12] Like a real, a real Drac-Man returns.

Dan McCoy

[31:14] So, like, how much force do you think, like, a bunch of individuals.

[31:18] I thought you were about to say foreskin for some reason.

[31:20] How much foreskin do you think Dracula has?

[31:24] Like, a lot?

[31:25] What do you mean, force?

[31:25] Or do you think because he's dead, it's probably...

Stuart Wellington

[31:28] Yeah, because he's dead, it's grown to epic lengths.

Elliott Kalan

[31:31] No, I thought, because he's dead, he's...

Stuart Wellington

[31:33] Because after you die, similar to your fingernails, your foreskin continues to grow.

Elliott Kalan

[31:37] No, when you become a vampire, you go down to hell.

[31:40] Lucifer, or maybe Bohemian, or one of his guys, cuts off your foreskin.

Stuart Wellington

[31:44] As Modius takes it and makes a necklace out of it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:46] And they go, we're going to keep this as collateral.

[31:49] If you want your foreskin back, fix your part of the deal.

Dan McCoy

[31:53] No, I'm just saying...

Elliott Kalan

[31:54] Which is to be a bad guy, I guess.

Dan McCoy

[31:57] Even if it's a bunch of bats, like...

[31:58] Oh, no, they get with the force of an artillery shell.

Elliott Kalan

[32:01] Yeah.

[32:01] They literally...

[32:02] Even if it's a bunch of bats?

[32:04] Even if it's a bat bunch.

Dan McCoy

[32:05] The bat bunch.

[32:07] I mean, I could see...

[32:09] Maybe, you know...

Elliott Kalan

[32:09] Story of a lovely bat bringing up three very lovely bats.

[32:13] Then they met a bat.

[32:14] Nope.

[32:14] He had three bats.

[32:15] Nope.

[32:16] They fought him the bat bunch.

[32:16] Stop it.

Dan McCoy

[32:19] I mean, it really seems like controlling bats, like your top power would be like, oh, rabies.

Stuart Wellington

[32:25] You're going to get rabies.

[32:26] You're going to get the rotten lady's hair.

[32:28] He's so busy on his bat slapping that he forgot to protect the monastery.

[32:32] Because some dudes climb up and start killing his wife and people.

Elliott Kalan

[32:36] Yeah, some soldiers come in through the back door, which apparently they decided not to guard.

[32:40] And they kill his wife and kidnap his son.

[32:45] Uh-oh.

[32:46] Bum, bum, bum.

[32:47] And they manage to kill pretty much everybody in the castle.

[32:52] Yeah.

[32:53] Dracula almost saves his wife.

[32:55] She plummets from a tower.

[32:57] And he catches her.

[32:58] Ooh, too late.

[32:59] And she begs him.

[33:00] In a great scene.

[33:01] In a not very good scene.

Stuart Wellington

[33:03] Slow motion falling.

[33:05] A lot of shots of faces.

Elliott Kalan

[33:07] Enya-style chorus on the soundtrack.

[33:10] And Dracula is trying so hard that he's like, ah!

[33:14] And his teeth are getting longer.

[33:16] He's exerting his bat power so much.

[33:18] And his wife, who knew he was a vampire already.

[33:20] She doesn't care, though.

[33:21] She's all about him.

[33:22] Because he's totally ripped.

[33:24] Yeah.

[33:25] And he's not even scarred up anymore.

[33:27] Now that he's a drack.

[33:27] His scars yelled with his vamp powers.

[33:30] She says, suck my blood so you can get the power you need to save our son.

[33:34] And he reluctantly does it.

[33:36] Uh-oh.

[33:36] Within the three-day limit, now he's a full-blown vamp attack.

[33:40] The other vampire lives in the cave.

Dan McCoy

[33:42] And Charles dances out of the cave.

Elliott Kalan

[33:44] Charles dances.

[33:45] He does a two-step.

[33:46] He does the batusi out of the cave.

[33:48] And flaps away to wherever.

[33:52] Yeah, he flies away to the end of the movie.

[33:54] Anyway, Dracula finds a bunch of his people are still alive.

[33:59] And he goes, hey, you want revenge?

[34:01] He totally vampifies them.

[34:03] Dracula goes to the camp where the Ottoman leader is.

[34:07] And his son is being kept.

[34:08] He and his vampire soldiers arrive and are just cutting through everybody, mowing down the Ottomans.

[34:13] He goes to confront the lead bad guy.

[34:15] Uh-oh.

Stuart Wellington

[34:16] After a lightning storm like that THX logo.

Elliott Kalan

[34:19] Not the THX logo.

[34:20] That's the Don Simpson logo.

Stuart Wellington

[34:21] What's the one with the bunch of lightning bolts?

[34:23] And then all of a sudden it's like, the music swells.

[34:26] And then it's like, this thing.

[34:28] Oh, yeah.

[34:28] It's the Don Simpson one, right?

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] Yeah.

[34:30] The Don Simpson and what?

[34:31] Jerry Bruckheimer logo?

[34:32] Yeah.

[34:33] Because Don Simpson's dead.

[34:34] I forgot to mention that.

[34:35] He died about 20 years ago.

Dan McCoy

[34:36] So if anyone out there hadn't heard that, I'm sorry for breaking the news.

Elliott Kalan

[34:39] This is not how I wanted you to hear that the producer of Top Gun died.

[34:42] He did Top Gun, right?

Dan McCoy

[34:44] Yeah.

[34:45] Maybe it's Days of Thunder.

[34:46] Or both.

[34:48] Was he the artist for Cracked Magazine?

[34:50] No.

[34:50] The movies before Don.

[34:51] The movies before Don Simpson died and the movies after Don Simpson died are not that much different.

[34:58] So the Simpson-Bruckheimer, like.

[35:00] I guess so, yeah.

[35:00] Like it all blends.

[35:01] Oh, no.

Elliott Kalan

[35:01] Bruckheimer continued the legacy.

[35:03] Yeah.

[35:04] So anyway, yeah, he walks.

[35:06] Dracula walks towards him super cool with a bunch of lightning bolts flying around him

[35:09] like Storm is there, too.

[35:10] Mm-hmm.

[35:12] And he finally gets to the tent where his son's being held by the lead bad guy, but uh-oh.

[35:17] There are bags of silver everywhere, and vampires can't take silver.

[35:21] Because he has to count up every single piece?

[35:23] No, he's not a Chinese vampire.

[35:25] That's what happens with a tip.

[35:27] And tip for being chased by a Chinese vampire, pull that handful of rice out of your pocket

[35:31] and throw it on the ground, and then run away, because he's got to count it all.

[35:34] That will foil the gian-xi.

[35:35] It's also going to be easy to run away because he hops after you.

[35:38] Mm-hmm.

[35:39] They're weird vampires.

[35:39] I don't know, dude.

[35:40] Hopping's pretty fast.

[35:42] Nope.

[35:42] No.

[35:43] Maybe the least fast way to locomote without wriggling on your belly.

Dan McCoy

[35:47] Yeah, if you're a bunny, maybe.

[35:49] That's the only thing that hops.

Elliott Kalan

[35:50] If it's a bunicula, then yeah, it's going to hop after you.

Stuart Wellington

[35:53] Oh, do you think bunicula is based on the gian-xi myth from Chinese mythology?

[35:57] I doubt it.

[36:00] I could see someone being like, oh, that's interesting.

Dan McCoy

[36:04] A hopping vampire.

[36:05] A hopping vampire?

[36:09] I'll make it about a vampire.

[36:10] A talking cat?

[36:11] No, wait, hold on.

[36:12] A hopping vampire?

Stuart Wellington

[36:14] Honey, lock the door.

[36:15] I've got to write this book.

[36:16] Lock the door.

[36:18] Yeah, don't let anybody in.

Dan McCoy

[36:19] Lock the door from the outside and don't let me out.

[36:22] No matter how much I scream until I finish this book about a vampire bunny.

Elliott Kalan

[36:26] Until I finish Bunicula and sell it to Avon Books.

[36:29] The kids' book fairs are coming up.

[36:30] They're going to need to order these along with their Garfield treasuries.

Dan McCoy

[36:36] And their chooses your own adventures.

Stuart Wellington

[36:41] And who names their kid Beezus, for God's sakes?

Elliott Kalan

[36:44] Ramona, that's on the borderline.

[36:47] That's on the cusp.

Stuart Wellington

[36:49] Beezus?

[36:50] I feel so bad for all those kids that were named Beezus after that book came out.

Elliott Kalan

[36:54] Oh, yeah, because that's when a generation after the book came out.

[36:57] So there was an explosion in kids named Beezus.

[36:59] Yeah, I've read Freakonomics, dude.

[37:01] Just like all those kids named Superfudge.

Dan McCoy

[37:05] It sounds like a hillbilly trying to pluralize bees.

[37:11] All these bees are flying after me.

[37:14] Beez is already plural.

[37:16] All these bees is all over me.

Elliott Kalan

[37:19] These bees is.

[37:20] They're stinging me.

[37:21] Ramona, get away from those bees.

[37:25] You're going to be totally stingified.

[37:28] The stingification process.

Stuart Wellington

[37:32] Anyway.

[37:32] It's like I'm in the room with Kevin Spacey's character from House of Cards.

Elliott Kalan

[37:37] Because our southern accents are so bad.

[37:41] So Drac is in a room full of silver coins.

[37:43] It hurts him, but he finds the strength to fight back.

[37:46] He turns into a crowd of bats.

[37:47] He kills the bad guy.

[37:49] Saves his son.

[37:50] Whoop-a-dee-doo.

[37:51] But uh-oh.

[37:52] All of his village people are now vampires, and they want to eat his son.

[37:56] The Native American.

Dan McCoy

[37:57] The construction worker.

[37:59] The police.

[38:00] Especially him.

Stuart Wellington

[38:01] The biker.

[38:01] Why especially the construction worker?

[38:03] Because he works out in the sun all day, and he totally wants to eat kids.

[38:07] Wait, what?

Elliott Kalan

[38:09] That's so hungry.

[38:10] What if it was part of the village people's backstory was that they're cannibals?

[38:15] Did we forget to mention that?

[38:18] Yeah.

[38:19] The village they are is a village of cannibals.

[38:22] I think it's pretty cool.

[38:22] What if it was the village of the damned people?

[38:24] Oh, okay.

[38:25] And they're gay icons who can also read your mind.

[38:28] Oh, okay.

[38:28] I like it.

[38:29] And they know you want to hear YMCA again.

Stuart Wellington

[38:31] In England, they're called the Norwich Cuckoos.

[38:33] That could be on some kind of t-shirt, I think.

[38:35] Some kind of like geek-friendly t-shirt is a village people, village of the damned mashup.

Elliott Kalan

[38:40] Yeah, yeah, okay.

[38:41] I can see that.

[38:42] Somebody makes money.

Stuart Wellington

[38:42] So like shirt, woot, give us money.

Elliott Kalan

[38:45] Go to Cafe Press or something.

Dan McCoy

[38:47] Go to nerdshirts.com.

Elliott Kalan

[38:49] Go to mashupshit.com.

[38:51] Go to aquafan.com.

[38:53] Tell them if you've tried sex in Wonder Water.

[38:55] Yeah, let us know.

[38:57] We want to know.

[38:57] That's a deep cut, Stuart.

[38:59] That's for the real superfans.

[39:00] Or superfudges.

[39:01] Look, whatever it takes.

Dan McCoy

[39:03] The real buniculas out there.

Elliott Kalan

[39:05] So was superfudge the last fudge of a dying planet who came here?

[39:09] And our yellow sun melted him into superpowers?

Stuart Wellington

[39:11] Yeah, I think you're being charitable with the super part of that name.

[39:15] Now, what if-

[39:16] Pretty good fudge would have been a better name.

Elliott Kalan

[39:18] There's a superfudge bunicula crossover where they get merged together to become a chocolate

[39:21] rabbit.

[39:22] For Easter.

[39:23] It's like the end of Tetsuo the Iron Man.

[39:26] Yeah, where they merge into that giant penis tank and run rampant through the streets of Tokyo.

[39:32] How weird must that have been for bystanders to just see that running through the streets

[39:36] with a guy with like a 16mm camera just running after it, shaking the camera all over?

[39:42] Do you think they would have just been like, it's a living?

Stuart Wellington

[39:45] Then they go buy some soiled panties out of a vending machine.

Dan McCoy

[39:49] Yeah.

[39:50] Cultural stereotypes.

Elliott Kalan

[39:51] I mean, mine was an accurate description of the movie, but anyway-

Dan McCoy

[39:55] We're so close to the end.

Elliott Kalan

[39:56] The other vampires want to eat his son.

[39:58] He says, no go, bros.

[39:59] And he stabs one of them through the heart, and that guy totally explodifies.

[40:04] Mm-hmm.

[40:05] Then a monk shows up with a cross.

[40:06] He says, I'm going to save your son.

[40:08] And he takes him away.

[40:09] The son comes out and kills down all the vampires.

Stuart Wellington

[40:12] And some great slow motion vampire melting.

Elliott Kalan

[40:14] One guy is running while each of his limbs is exploding, and it looks hilarious.

[40:21] But then we see the Romany gypsy from earlier give some of his blood to Dracula, reviving him.

[40:27] And I forgot to mention that this was all narrated in the opening and closing by Dracula's son,

[40:32] even though he then disappears, because we flash forward to modern day,

[40:36] where Vlad, who's just out walking around enjoying a nice day on the town,

[40:41] meets a woman named Mina, who looks just like his wife.

[40:46] And they have a conversation about poetry and then split up.

[40:49] And from afar, Charles Dance is watching.

[40:52] And he says, let the games begin.

[40:54] And then walks off.

[40:56] End of movie.

[40:57] Sequel.

[40:58] In the making.

[40:59] Dracula.

[40:59] Told.

[41:00] Mm-hmm.

Stuart Wellington

[41:02] So.

[41:03] That was great.

[41:04] You did a great job there, Elliot.

[41:05] Thanks, I did.

[41:05] I give you two fangs out of two fangs.

[41:09] Thanks.

[41:09] That's the highest rating.

[41:10] Vampires have two fangs.

Elliott Kalan

[41:11] Yeah, well, unless they've got multiple heads.

[41:14] So here's, here I was going to say the main problems with this movie.

[41:17] Okay.

[41:17] One, super boring.

[41:19] Only two scenes I enjoyed, which was.

Stuart Wellington

[41:20] It was too scarifying for you.

Elliott Kalan

[41:22] Oh, it was way too scarifying.

Stuart Wellington

[41:23] It was boring because he kept looking at the insides of his hands.

[41:27] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[41:28] My problem was that much of my chair went unused because I only sat on this, on the edge.

[41:34] But there's two scenes that I enjoyed.

[41:37] One, because I found it genuinely interesting when he talks to the old vampire.

[41:40] One, because it was super goofy, which was the fat fist fight scene.

[41:43] Mm-hmm.

[41:44] Otherwise, it was very boring.

[41:45] And I just have a real issue with the idea that there needs to be an origin story for Dracula.

[41:51] Yeah.

[41:51] Like, he's an evil, decadent prince who becomes a vampire.

Dan McCoy

[41:55] Oh, he's decadent.

[41:56] All right.

[41:56] I really shouldn't have any of this Dracula.

[41:58] It's so bad.

Elliott Kalan

[41:59] It's called Dracula by chocolate.

[42:01] There's been a lot of chocolate talk in this episode.

[42:03] Choc talk.

[42:05] Chocula.

[42:05] The Choc house.

[42:06] We haven't even mentioned Chocula.

[42:07] The perfect fusion of chocolate and vampire.

[42:10] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[42:12] He's more chocolate now than vampire.

[42:14] For so long to find that.

Elliott Kalan

[42:15] Now, if this was Chocula untold, I would have loved it.

[42:18] It would have been great.

[42:19] I want to know how he became what he is.

[42:20] How did he become friends with Boo Berry and Franken...

[42:24] Frankenberry.

[42:25] And the Fruit Brute.

[42:26] And the yummy mummy.

Stuart Wellington

[42:28] The Fruit Brute is the werewolf.

Elliott Kalan

[42:30] Oh, and the yummy mummy.

[42:31] And what's the hunchback of no true breakfast?

[42:36] What about the Phantom of the Cereal Bowl?

Dan McCoy

[42:39] The creature from the...

[42:42] Milk Lagoon.

[42:42] The Milk Lagoon.

[42:43] Yeah.

[42:44] That makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[42:44] Then the Milk-A-Luna mutant.

[42:47] Lesser known universal monster, but he's still in there.

[42:49] He's from the 50s.

[42:50] It's a later stage.

[42:52] Dracula is not essentially interesting to me until he's a vampire spreading

[42:56] his plague of darkness throughout the globe.

[42:59] So, it's like, I don't want to...

[43:02] It's the same way that, like, I'm not interested in a movie about, like,

[43:06] the young James Bond, necessarily.

[43:09] I want to see a movie about James Bond having adventures.

Stuart Wellington

[43:11] Yeah, you don't want to watch, like, Braveheart,

[43:12] but find out that Braveheart becomes a vampire midway through.

[43:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[43:16] That's basically what this was, yeah.

[43:17] I feel like we are in Final Judgments right now.

[43:21] And I feel like Elliot is entering a writ of bad-bad.

[43:26] I'd like to...

[43:26] Whether it's good, bad, bad, bad.

[43:28] Yeah, submit a writ of bad-bad-itude.

Stuart Wellington

[43:29] And when we were looking it up, you said that it was originally going to be Alex Proyas

[43:34] and Sam Worthington?

[43:36] Yeah.

[43:37] Which at least, like, I feel like Alex Proyas would have made it a little more interesting

[43:40] to watch.

[43:41] It wouldn't have been a good movie.

Elliott Kalan

[43:42] No, but it would have been...

[43:43] It would have had more style.

Stuart Wellington

[43:44] And Sam Worthington would have been certainly just as boring as Luke Evans.

Elliott Kalan

[43:47] I mean, that's a movie that could have been batshit crazy.

[43:51] Oh, because of vampires.

[43:53] No, because...

[43:53] Well, kind of.

[43:54] But the bat...

[43:55] Anyway.

[43:55] So, but like, whereas this was just kind of dull.

[43:57] Yeah.

[43:57] Like, there are lots of dull vampire movies, and I'm always surprised by it, because vampires

[44:02] are inherently interesting.

[44:04] You're talking to a guy who was wearing Dracula socks at work yesterday.

Dan McCoy

[44:07] It's true.

[44:08] I can attest to that.

Elliott Kalan

[44:08] Like, vampires are...

[44:09] I like vampires.

[44:10] They're interesting to me.

[44:11] But apparently it's very easy to make them boring.

Dan McCoy

[44:14] Yeah, no, I wanted to say we were looking up the list.

[44:17] There's only been a few good Dracula movies.

[44:20] There's Dracula.

[44:21] Mm-hmm.

[44:21] The Bela Lugosi one.

[44:22] Yeah.

[44:23] There's, what is it?

[44:24] House of Dracula?

[44:25] Is that the Christopher Lee one?

[44:26] Horror of Dracula.

[44:27] Horror of Dracula.

Elliott Kalan

[44:28] I mean, there's a lot of Christopher Lee ones, but the first one, Horror of Dracula

[44:30] is the best of them.

Dan McCoy

[44:31] There's the two Nosferatus.

[44:33] Yeah.

[44:33] The Murnau one.

Elliott Kalan

[44:34] That was the sequel to Chinatown, wasn't it?

Dan McCoy

[44:36] The two Nosferatus.

[44:37] Yeah.

[44:37] It's the F.W.

[44:38] Murnau.

[44:38] And there's the Werner Herzog.

[44:40] And then, of course, Dracula and the Monster Squad.

[44:44] Those are the best movies.

[44:46] I bet there's some good ones.

Elliott Kalan

[44:48] I'm going to look at them.

Stuart Wellington

[44:48] Elliot still says Dracula Dead and Loving It's on there.

[44:51] Mm-hmm.

Elliott Kalan

[44:53] Only the first half, before it loses its way.

Dan McCoy

[44:56] I'm loving it, says Elliot, about Dracula Dead and Loving It.

Elliott Kalan

[45:00] That was, I remember seeing that in the theater and being so disappointed in it.

Dan McCoy

[45:04] That was Vampire in Brooklyn for me.

[45:06] But yeah, this is an attempt to be like, okay, how can we make Dracula like every other boring

[45:14] fantasy movie?

[45:16] We might as well be watching.

Elliott Kalan

[45:17] The 70s Dracula is okay.

[45:19] Or Frank Langella.

Dan McCoy

[45:20] Fucking, what was the, we've watched so many sword and sandals things.

[45:23] This feels so, yeah.

[45:24] This is like one of those.

Elliott Kalan

[45:25] It is so by the numbers medieval sword.

Stuart Wellington

[45:28] It's like somebody watched the 90s Bram Stoker's Dracula from Coppola and just, and we're like,

[45:34] you know, the most exciting part was the first five minutes of backstory.

[45:38] Let's just make a whole movie of that garbage.

[45:41] Yeah, so I think we're all bad bads for this.

Elliott Kalan

[45:44] Let's bad bad it up.

[45:45] Bad bad.

[45:47] Oh, and Dracula Pages from A Virgin's Diary.

[45:49] There's one dance number in that that goes too long, but otherwise I think it's a very good movie.

Stuart Wellington

[45:57] Hello, I'm Taco, the elephant magician.

[45:59] Merle High Church here, the master of clerical magic.

S4

[46:03] I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter.

[46:06] Did you guys like that?

[46:07] Did you, the listener, like that?

[46:09] You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen and anything is possible.

[46:15] Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximum Fun,

Stuart Wellington

[46:20] in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience.

S4

[46:25] You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximumFun.org or iTunes.

[46:29] It's for Dungeons and Dragons, but with family.

Dan McCoy

[46:32] But we do have a sponsor for tonight.

[46:36] And for that, I cede the microphone and the floor to one Stuart Art Wellington.

[46:42] Hey guys, my name's Stuart Wellington.

Stuart Wellington

[46:44] You know, coming up, we got a little thing called Mother's Day.

[46:49] That's going to be coming up on May 10th.

Elliott Kalan

[46:51] Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Mothers.

Stuart Wellington

[46:54] Yep, I think that's perfect Spanish, Elliot.

[46:57] So I think right now is a great time for you to hit up our friends over at proflowers.com and order some flowers for your mom.

[47:07] They're offering Flophouse listeners 100 blooms and a free glass vase for only $19.99.

[47:14] All you have to do is go over to their website, which is proflowers.com.

[47:19] And there's a, in the top right corner, there's going to be a little blue microphone.

[47:23] You're going to move your little mouse thing over there.

[47:25] You're going to click on it.

[47:26] And then.

Dan McCoy

[47:27] I don't want to say mouse thing when mouse is just the.

Stuart Wellington

[47:28] Yeah.

[47:29] The third.

[47:30] And then a little, a little blurb is going to open up.

[47:32] And then you're going to type in with your fingers, you're going to type in the word Flophouse.

[47:36] Now that's going to give you that deal.

Dan McCoy

[47:37] And that's one word, Flophouse.

[47:39] Flophouse.

[47:39] Do not put a space in there.

[47:41] Not three words, only one word.

[47:43] For our title.

[47:44] For the code, the coupon code, it's one word, Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[47:48] So I think on Mother's Day, you want to get a phone call from your mom that says,

[47:52] are you apologizing for something?

[47:55] Do you have some explaining to do?

[47:56] Because I got these flowers.

Elliott Kalan

[47:57] And your response is, no, I just got you flowers because I love you, mom.

[48:01] That is the best.

[48:02] So do right by your mother.

[48:04] Do right by America.

Dan McCoy

[48:06] And the Flophouse.

[48:08] And the Flophouse.

[48:08] Definitely do right.

[48:09] It's a great character.

Elliott Kalan

[48:11] And order some flowers from Pro Flowers.

[48:13] There's also chocolates you can get through there.

Stuart Wellington

[48:15] I think they're associated with Sherry's Berries.

[48:18] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[48:18] And it's just a good gift for Mother's Day, for any day.

[48:22] Because you know what?

[48:23] Every day is Mother's Day.

Dan McCoy

[48:25] And Pro Flowers.

[48:27] I mean, factually inaccurate, but in our hearts, it's true.

[48:31] So that's proflowers.com, blue microphone, type Flophouse, all one word.

Stuart Wellington

[48:35] All one word.

Elliott Kalan

[48:37] You'll be helping support us, and you'll be helping support moms.

[48:41] And if you have issues with your mom, don't want to send her flowers, send it to somebody else.

Dan McCoy

[48:46] Send it to the Flophouse.

[48:47] Yeah, Pro Flowers don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[48:48] There's no law that Pro Flowers is only going to deliver to moms.

[48:50] Pro Flowers is like, give me an address, I'll send them a bunch of flowers.

[48:53] Yeah, that's our job.

[48:54] That's what they say.

[48:55] And we do it well.

[48:56] We're pros.

[48:57] At flowers.

[48:59] Proflowers.

[49:00] Proflowers.com.

Dan McCoy

[49:01] So...

[49:02] Read it all.

[49:03] Some Flophouse news here.

[49:06] Which is that we have new merchandise available, guys.

[49:08] New merch!

[49:09] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[49:10] The URL...

[49:11] Instead of having to go to, like, a merch table after a Flophouse show and talk to some

[49:15] scuzzy dude who's like, hey, what do you want to buy?

[49:19] We're out of almost everything.

[49:20] I mean, probably our wives were worth the merch table.

[49:22] Yep.

[49:23] So, scuzzy dudes.

[49:25] Now you can just go on the internet and buy them.

Dan McCoy

[49:27] Yeah.

[49:27] Now, the URL is too complex to read here.

[49:31] It's a bunch of, you know...

[49:33] So, go to Dan's Twitter feed.

[49:35] No, no.

[49:36] Here's what you do.

[49:37] Go to flophousepodcast.com and click on the merch link.

[49:41] That'll take you right there.

[49:42] Or...

[49:42] Or go to Topotico.

[49:44] Click on Browse by Creator and click on Maximum Fun for the MaxFun merch store.

Elliott Kalan

[49:50] Or do what I did.

[49:51] I googled Maximum Fun t-shirt.

Dan McCoy

[49:55] Sure.

[49:56] All these are fine choices.

Stuart Wellington

[49:56] There's a link from the MaxFun site, too.

Dan McCoy

[49:59] I mean, again, easiest thing.

[50:01] Go to flophousepodcast.com.

[50:02] Click on merch.

[50:03] Yeah.

[50:03] Take you right there.

Stuart Wellington

[50:03] While you're there, leave a comment on one of our episodes.

[50:06] Say, you guys suck or you're hilarious.

[50:08] Who cares?

Dan McCoy

[50:09] I don't think you can do that on the site, but sure.

[50:11] Why not?

[50:12] You can leave comments on the Flophouse site.

[50:14] Oh, yeah.

[50:14] On the Flophouse site.

[50:15] Not on the Topotico merchandise site.

[50:17] Have you listened to what Stuart said?

[50:20] You're right, Stuart.

[50:21] I haven't tried.

[50:22] Until I tried, I really shouldn't.

Elliott Kalan

[50:23] Do knock it till you try it.

[50:25] There's a reason that phrase exists.

[50:27] Because you shouldn't knock on a door until you've tried the door to make sure it opens.

Dan McCoy

[50:30] Until you've eaten part of that door in a Hansel and Gretel style.

Stuart Wellington

[50:35] Do knock it till you try it is the life mission statement of Aquafan.com.

Elliott Kalan

[50:41] Speaking of which, Radio Zork listeners, if you try to eat the door, A.

[50:47] First off, that's a great choice.

[50:49] If you merely lick the door to see if it's worth eating, B.

[50:53] If you try your key on the lock again, C.

[50:56] Right on in.

[50:56] Next week we'll have the results and we'll move forward one more step in Radio Zork.

Dan McCoy

[51:00] So this new merchandise, let me paint you a picture of what's available.

[51:06] A lot of word pictures.

[51:07] Your last one was so successful.

[51:08] You can get a Rocket Crocodile in the World of Tomorrow t-shirt.

[51:11] It looks amazing.

[51:13] From a design by fan Tristan Marsh.

[51:15] I think maybe I've seen this movie?

Elliott Kalan

[51:18] Well, you couldn't because it doesn't exist and I'm making it up as I go along.

[51:21] That was for the fans.

Dan McCoy

[51:23] There is also a Wait What Come On shirt designed by my brother, John.

[51:29] That would be John McCoy.

Elliott Kalan

[51:30] It looks great also and of all the shirts that you're going to buy from the Flophouse,

[51:34] that's the one we'll get the least questions.

[51:35] What the hell is on your shirt?

[51:37] Yeah.

[51:38] Crossover appeal.

[51:39] Any occasion.

[51:40] Funerals, weddings, birthdays.

Dan McCoy

[51:42] Yep.

[51:43] Funeral birthdays.

Elliott Kalan

[51:45] Funeral birthdays or funeral weddings for a vampire maybe.

[51:47] Or a corpse bride.

Dan McCoy

[51:49] And there's also a lovely print of Yield Flophouse,

[51:53] where I'm a ranger, I believe Stu is a paladin,

[51:57] and Elliot is a bard.

[51:58] And it's suitable for framing.

[52:00] From a design by fan Mallory Quinn.

Elliott Kalan

[52:02] Also looks great.

[52:03] It's all great looking Flophouse merch.

[52:04] High quality, high standards.

[52:06] And I noticed that some of the stuff is already running low because of orders.

[52:10] So I would say order now.

Dan McCoy

[52:12] Yeah, I mean they're pretty good at replenishing things.

[52:14] But yeah, if you don't want to delay, order now.

Stuart Wellington

[52:18] If you're tired of having to go to the laundry all the time,

[52:20] buy seven of these shirts.

[52:22] Yeah.

[52:22] You can't be good for a week.

Dan McCoy

[52:23] Yeah, just write on the tag.

[52:26] Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

[52:27] Yep.

[52:27] You can maybe take some of those.

Elliott Kalan

[52:28] No, you do it like this.

[52:29] Like Apollonian Godfather.

[52:31] Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

[52:34] Yeah.

[52:34] That's my favorite way to say the day is the week.

Stuart Wellington

[52:36] You can take a couple of those big dogs t-shirts out of rotation.

Elliott Kalan

[52:40] Yeah.

[52:40] Get rid of your co-ed naked lacrosse shirt.

[52:43] Put in a Flophouse shirt.

Dan McCoy

[52:45] Yeah.

[52:46] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:46] Your wardrobe will thank you.

[52:48] I also want to plug that.

[52:51] I forgot to mention this last week.

[52:52] I have a piece, a humor piece in the geek humor comic series, The Devastator.

[52:58] It's just sort of like...

[52:59] Devastator.

[52:59] It's sort of like a cooler and less well-paying Mad Magazine.

[53:03] Okay.

[53:04] And you can go to devastatorpress.com slash horror because it is an all horror-themed issue.

[53:12] And you can get for $10 a physical copy of this, $3 a digital download.

[53:18] And you can also just search for Devastator and the horror issue of Devastator on Amazon.

[53:23] Can I pick...

[53:23] Yeah.

[53:24] I know that you probably also have a...

[53:25] Can I plug something?

Elliott Kalan

[53:26] Plug it.

[53:27] I'd like to plug...

[53:28] The day we're recording this, so you'll be hearing it a couple days after it happens,

[53:32] the final issue of my run of Spider-Man and the X-Men, which I think is the final issue

[53:37] of the series, too, it turns out.

[53:39] Issue number six is out in stores, wraps up the series, wraps up a real dream come true

[53:45] product...

[53:45] Project.

[53:46] Project for me.

[53:47] Getting to work with these characters.

[53:48] No worries.

Stuart Wellington

[53:48] Dan, you should queue up End of the Road to play right now by Boys to Men.

Elliott Kalan

[53:54] Or Meet You at the Crossroads by Bone Thugs in Harmony.

[53:56] It's just Crossroads.

[53:57] It's just Crossroads.

Elliott Kalan

[53:58] To the end of the road.

[54:02] Now, it's bittersweet saying goodbye to these characters, but I hope people enjoy the wrap

[54:07] up to the series.

[54:08] So pick up all six issues.

[54:10] They'll be collected in a trade, I think, this summer.

[54:12] But if you can't wait that long, pick up the issues.

[54:16] Number six.

[54:17] It's out now.

Dan McCoy

[54:18] Elliot's got issues.

Elliott Kalan

[54:20] And you can have them, too.

[54:22] Of Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[54:23] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[54:23] And with your dad.

[54:25] Stuart, do you want to plug anything while we're at it?

[54:30] I don't think so.

[54:31] I'm opening a bar at some point.

[54:33] I'll keep you posted.

[54:34] Yeah.

[54:34] Maybe plug that when people can go in and buy things from him.

Dan McCoy

[54:38] So now we've got to move on to letters from listeners.

[54:42] Listeners like you, perhaps.

Stuart Wellington

[54:44] Oh, I got a letter.

[54:45] This just in.

[54:46] How off the presses.

[54:49] I got a letter from listener John Rivett.

[54:52] Again, a tweet.

[54:53] He says, my birthday is tomorrow.

[54:55] Could you guys maybe give me some B-Day props?

[54:58] Of course I can, because he said B-Day instead of birthday.

[55:01] And that's cool.

Dan McCoy

[55:02] Or are you supposed to give you props just for living another year?

[55:05] So here's.

[55:07] Seems like the bare minimum of achievements.

[55:08] You don't know what his life is like.

Elliott Kalan

[55:10] Props to.

[55:11] He could live in a lair from a video game and there's spinning fire blades everywhere.

[55:15] He's going to jump out of it to get to the bathroom.

[55:16] Yeah, I'm sorry.

Stuart Wellington

[55:16] I'm sorry for making assumptions.

[55:17] So props to listener John Rivett.

Elliott Kalan

[55:21] Yeah.

[55:22] Inventor of the rivet.

[55:23] I love the bolts that hold buildings together that bear your name.

[55:26] Yeah.

[55:27] So anyway, moving on.

[55:28] You hold my jeans together, you hold skyscrapers together.

[55:30] Thank you, my friend.

Dan McCoy

[55:30] Moving on to the first letter of the night.

Elliott Kalan

[55:33] Letters of the night.

[55:34] You hold my steampunk costume together.

[55:38] What sweet music they make.

[55:40] And it goes like this.

[55:44] It's nighttime now when letters come out.

[55:47] Stay inside and lock your doors unless you're ready to lead the letter life.

[55:53] Letter.

[55:55] Do you want to bang heads with me?

[55:58] Do you want to see everything?

[56:00] Okay.

[56:01] Whoa.

[56:02] Letter.

[56:04] Bob, Bob.

[56:05] Bob, Bob.

[56:05] Not about to read your letter.

[56:08] But anyway, continue.

Dan McCoy

[56:09] Okay.

[56:10] This is from Kyle Lastname Withheld, who writes,

[56:12] Hi, Floppers.

[56:13] I'm a longtime listener and first-time writer, and I think I'm in need of some clarification

[56:16] of my status as a Flophouse fan.

[56:19] I'm the guy who put you on Entertainment Weekly's must list, lo those many moons ago.

[56:23] Thank you.

[56:24] And thus thrust you to international superstardom.

Stuart Wellington

[56:27] Thrust us in the must.

[56:28] We owe everything to you.

[56:29] Are you calling in this favor?

[56:31] Yep.

[56:31] But.

[56:32] Let the game begin.

[56:33] It's Charles Dance.

[56:34] Oh, no.

[56:35] Kyle Dance.

Dan McCoy

[56:37] But I'm also the guy who bought tickets to your last live event and decided to stay home

[56:41] and watch Ron Howard's Night Shift instead.

[56:43] Well, I mean, I can't totally fault that.

[56:45] Do those two actions cancel one another out, giving me neutral karma in the eyes of the house

[56:49] cat, or is indulging in a Michael Keaton slash Henry Winkler slash Shelley Long sex

[56:56] farce, a crime that requires a bit more absolution?

[56:58] I wait your judgment.

[57:00] Also, we're writing my review for Chappy for EW.com.

[57:03] All I could think about was, man, I can't wait until the Chappy episode of the Flophouse

[57:06] a year from now.

[57:07] Keep on flopping.

[57:08] Kyle, last name withheld.

[57:09] Now, I got to say, Night Shift, despite having the combined talents of Michael Keaton and

[57:17] Henry Winkler, is a pretty bad movie.

[57:18] It's very bad.

[57:19] There are barely any jokes in it.

Elliott Kalan

[57:21] But here's the thing.

[57:22] The mystery of the house cat's grace is that it is not our works or the movies we watch

[57:27] that provide for our salvation, but in fact, his own ineffable,

[57:32] impossible to understand choices.

Stuart Wellington

[57:35] No, it's true.

[57:35] When I hear Eyes of the House Cat, I think of the final frame of the Michael Jackson thriller

[57:40] music video.

Dan McCoy

[57:42] I will say, though, in the words of the night from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,

[57:47] you chose poorly.

[57:48] Yeah.

[57:49] Yeah.

[57:49] But thank you very much.

Stuart Wellington

[57:52] I like that.

[57:52] And that was because he drank Coke instead of Pepsi or some shit, right?

[57:55] Yeah, sure.

[57:55] And he got all melty.

Elliott Kalan

[57:57] He drank Pepsi, Crystal Clear Pepsi.

Stuart Wellington

[57:59] In that commercial, did somebody drink Coke and then they just melted?

[58:02] What happened in that thing?

[58:04] I don't think so.

[58:05] Because they had the commercial based on the movie, right?

[58:08] Based on the movie.

[58:10] The commercial adaption of the movie.

[58:12] I mean, Space Jam is a movie based on a commercial.

Elliott Kalan

[58:14] It could go around the other way.

[58:16] Alan Dean Foster needs the work, okay?

[58:18] So, thank you, though.

[58:19] It's called Splinter of a Pepsi's Eye.

[58:21] Thank you very much, Kyle, for putting us in Entertainment Weekly.

Dan McCoy

[58:24] That was a huge boost.

Elliott Kalan

[58:26] It was a big boost.

[58:27] It got us into a lot of people's attention.

Dan McCoy

[58:30] So, thank you.

[58:31] Moving on.

[58:31] Don't watch Night Shift again.

[58:33] Yeah, don't do it.

[58:34] Maybe watch Graveyard Shift.

[58:35] Next letter.

[58:36] Starts like this.

[58:38] Narrator.

[58:40] And little did they know that episode number 161, A Talking Cat,

[58:44] would lead to the devastation that we know it has today.

[58:47] Alluded to in the episode 160, God's Not Dead,

[58:50] the Floplights mentioned the new holy month, Small Timber.

[58:54] Yet their comical canonical confusion has led to millions of dead

[58:59] and a division in the House of Flop.

[59:01] Due to the tongue-tying nature of the month's name,

[59:04] two distinct factions in Flopdom appear between the Tenembriums and Vimborites.

[59:09] While the puckish brother Kalen chose to alternate between the two names,

[59:13] cromish convert Wellington chose to spite the one true McCoy,

[59:16] leaving our host baffled and flustered as was his way.

[59:19] Arguing over the subtleties in the sacred text is not unusual in any religion,

[59:23] but this is a truly bizarre and mildly infuriating circumstance.

[59:27] I mean, really, what's going on here?

[59:29] Mike is knocked over.

[59:29] The professor's voice fades as he walks away.

[59:32] I mean, honestly, a religion based on adoration of bunts?

[59:35] An omnipresent all-

[59:36] Bunts?

[59:37] It's because it's pretty ballsy to bunt,

Elliott Kalan

[59:41] and the catcher could just pick up the ball.

Dan McCoy

[59:43] An adoration of bunts.

[59:44] You know so much about sports, Elliot.

[59:46] An omnipresent all-partying spirit called the house cat,

[59:49] a sacred text of words that sound like other words,

[59:52] and a sacred mystery of the ding-dong, door slams.

[59:55] A scene from the episode four-

Elliott Kalan

[59:56] How can a ding-dong be both ripped off and not ripped off?

[1:00:00] This is the question that the text presents to us.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:03] A scene from episode four,

[1:00:04] The Great Division-

[1:00:05] Schrodinger's ding-dong.

[1:00:06] Of the BBC documentary-

[1:00:08] Schrodinger's freak.

[1:00:10] Floppy, the Flophouse story.

[1:00:12] That's from Nicholas, last name withheld.

[1:00:14] I guess a peek into the future of the documentary,

[1:00:17] the BBC documentary made about our podcast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:20] I feel like Paul Atreides capturing a vision of a fatwa in his name,

[1:00:24] or a jihad in his name that scours the galaxy.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:30] Yeah.

[1:00:31] I, you know, small-timber.

[1:00:34] Small-vember.

[1:00:35] Small-timber.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:36] It happens in September, but it's called Small-vember.

[1:00:39] Do we, whatever happened to our theme list?

Dan McCoy

[1:00:40] What are we talking about?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:40] I feel like we're a third of the way through the year,

[1:00:42] we haven't done any.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:43] Well, we only have two.

[1:00:45] They're centered around the fall.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:47] We had Cagemas, Small-vember.

Stuart Wellington

[1:00:50] Wasn't there like-

[1:00:50] There's Cagemas, yeah.

[1:00:51] Some might argue Shocktober is the original.

[1:00:54] Shocktober, yeah.

[1:00:56] It's the high holy holidays of the Flophouse calendar.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:58] I'm like, say, April when we watch vampire movies.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:02] Look, April vampires bring May champires.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:07] He's got you there.

[1:01:08] Yeah, it's true.

[1:01:09] He proved me something.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:10] So, moving on to the last letter of the night.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:16] You just casually skipped a letter.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:19] I do that every week.

[1:01:20] I'm like, ah, we're running late.

[1:01:22] Oh, man.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:23] So the listeners at home can be like, was that my letter he skipped?

[1:01:26] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:26] Who knows?

[1:01:27] You'll never know.

[1:01:28] You'll never know.

[1:01:28] We'll do it next week.

[1:01:31] On today's episode of the Flophouse.

[1:01:33] Dan, read the letter you skipped.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:35] Greetings, floppers.

[1:01:37] My question is mostly for Stuart.

[1:01:39] Okay.

[1:01:40] So, Stuart, since you're supposedly a bartender.

[1:01:44] Supposedly.

[1:01:48] Supposedly an English speaker.

[1:01:50] Say, someone sidled up to your bar and said, hey, Tenderfoot, give me a Castle Freak.

[1:01:56] What would he get?

[1:01:57] Could Stuart please grace the world with the details of the preparation of the unofficial official Castle Freak cocktail?

[1:02:03] Also, maybe you guys can riff on some better names for our new favorite adult beverage.

[1:02:08] Keep on flopping.

[1:02:09] Josh, last name withheld.

[1:02:10] Don't give us homework.

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:11] The first thing I'd do if somebody sidled up to the bar to me and said, I don't remember what he said.

[1:02:17] Give me a Castle Freak.

[1:02:18] I'd be like, you're a fan of the show.

[1:02:20] And then I'd come around from behind the bar and I'd give you a big hug.

[1:02:23] I'd say thanks.

[1:02:24] And a tongue kiss.

[1:02:25] I'd say, thanks for being a friend.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:27] It sounds like the signature drink for your new bar has just been introduced to the Castle Freak.

[1:02:31] What's it going to be?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:33] Oh, that's a lot of pressure.

[1:02:35] I would say it's two parts.

[1:02:39] First, I would take a Hostess Ding Dong and I would hollow it out and I would pour straight.

[1:02:48] I'd pour Drambuie with a drizzle of grenadine on top and then I would serve it to you.

Elliott Kalan

[1:02:54] Drambuie and grenadine?

[1:02:57] Anyway, there's no Kahlua in that too or what?

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:00] I would serve it to you in a hollowed out skull.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:02] Oh, so don't order this.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:07] It's a terrible drink.

[1:03:08] I mean, it's only $20.

[1:03:10] Wow.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:12] The markup on these drinks.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:15] We're talking about fancy cocktails here, guys.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:18] This is artisanal.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:20] Yep.

[1:03:21] Well, when I said Hostess, I meant it's a homemade Ding Dong made from a pantry in Brooklyn.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:27] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[1:03:27] But they make it look like the same way that there's a bakery in Park Sloper that used to be that made their own little Oreos and charged like three bucks for each of them.

[1:03:36] That's crazy.

[1:03:37] Yeah.

[1:03:38] And I never tasted one.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:39] So you don't know if it was better or worse or...

[1:03:41] Yeah.

[1:03:42] They're the same.

[1:03:43] What about homemade Twinkies?

[1:03:44] How do you feel about that?

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:45] I mean, I don't really care.

[1:03:47] I'm not against these things.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:49] So come back to me in a couple years.

[1:03:52] I'll tell you that.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:53] Otherwise, come to my bar.

[1:03:55] I'll give you a...

[1:03:55] You're going to spend years working in your drink lab to fine tune all the ingredients.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:00] I imagine Stuart down in the basement.

[1:04:02] You're like, nope, that combination of alcohol exploded.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:06] Thomas Edison once said, bartending is 99% perspiration, 1% intoxication.

[1:04:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:14] So I hope that answers your question.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:18] It was a ludicrous question.

[1:04:19] I think Stuart gave a great answer.

[1:04:21] Yeah.

[1:04:22] I was worried it was going to be like a white Russian with a torn off ding dong in it.

[1:04:26] That would be frightening.

[1:04:28] That would be horrible.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:30] A white Russian at night?

[1:04:34] All that milk?

[1:04:35] Yeah, that's crazy.

[1:04:36] I can't handle that much dairy.

[1:04:39] Give me the toots.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:43] And I'll be drunk and tooting.

[1:04:47] So, final segment of the evening.

[1:04:49] We called the toots.

[1:04:51] Yeah, what do we do now?

[1:04:53] We recommend movies that we liked.

[1:04:55] I want to recommend a little movie called Dracula Untold.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:59] Oh, wow.

[1:05:00] I turned around on it.

Stuart Wellington

[1:05:03] Had some time to mull it over.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:06] Well, I just...

[1:05:06] I haven't seen any new...

[1:05:08] I haven't seen anything.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:10] Well, recommend a movie from your past.

[1:05:12] You've seen thousands of movies.

[1:05:15] So...

Dan McCoy

[1:05:15] Uh...

[1:05:17] You must have been on a plane somewhere.

[1:05:19] You know what?

[1:05:19] I was on a...

[1:05:20] I was on a train recently.

[1:05:22] Okay.

[1:05:23] And...

[1:05:23] A movie about a train.

[1:05:25] And...

[1:05:25] To entertain myself on the train, I logged on to Hulu on my phone.

[1:05:30] Mm-hmm.

[1:05:31] And I re-watched...

[1:05:31] It's a fascinating story.

[1:05:33] I re-watched Donnie Brasco.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:35] Don't throw this away.

[1:05:36] Write it down and publish it.

[1:05:38] Because this is the epic quest of our times.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:40] I re-watched Donnie Brasco, which I think is a movie that...

[1:05:46] You know, it was...

[1:05:46] Dan's review.

[1:05:47] Don't forget about it.

[1:05:50] It was a critical success at the time.

[1:05:52] It got a little bit of attention.

[1:05:54] But I feel like of the gangster films, of the good gangster films out there, it's been a little forgotten.

[1:06:00] And if you want to go back and watch a movie where Johnny Depp is playing a character and not like a collection of ticks, it's a really good one.

[1:06:09] What's his hat look like?

[1:06:11] He doesn't have one.

[1:06:12] He has a mustache for the first part of the movie, but he shaves it pretty quickly.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:15] And similarly, if you want to see a movie where Al Pacino is playing a character and not just yelling at the top of his lungs...

Dan McCoy

[1:06:19] Again, Donnie Brasco is a good choice.

[1:06:21] Yeah.

[1:06:22] And it's an interesting gangster film because, you know, there is violence in it.

[1:06:28] It's a gangster movie, but mostly it's a character study.

[1:06:30] And it has, like, kind of a rich vein of just character comedy and dark comedy in it.

[1:06:36] And it ends up being also a very touching movie about friendship and betrayal.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:41] One gangster pulling himself up by his bootstraps to start a successful brass company.

[1:06:47] Donnie Brasco.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:48] Yep, that's what it's about.

[1:06:50] So see it based on Ali's description and then be surprised.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:54] Yeah, when it's much better than that.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:56] But it's a Mike Newell movie.

[1:06:58] British director who did Four Weddings and a Funeral.

[1:07:02] And I think...

[1:07:03] That screams gangster movie.

[1:07:05] Dirty Pretty Things, I think that was him too.

[1:07:07] I'm not sure.

[1:07:09] He's a very interesting director who's had kind of a varied career of different types of projects.

[1:07:17] And so check it out.

[1:07:18] Donnie Brasco.

[1:07:20] Hey, Stu.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:21] Hey, what's up, Billit?

[1:07:22] You got a movie on your mind?

[1:07:24] Sure.

[1:07:25] I just watched this movie Dracula Untold.

[1:07:27] It was the tits.

[1:07:29] Just kidding.

[1:07:31] No, I recently watched the movie Spring, which is kind of a horror romance.

[1:07:40] It's a low-budget movie.

[1:07:42] Hold on.

Dan McCoy

[1:07:42] I was wrong about Dirty Pretty Things.

[1:07:44] But he directed Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Stuart Wellington

[1:07:48] You just saved yourself many angry letters.

[1:07:51] Yeah, sorry about that.

[1:07:51] Go on.

[1:07:52] So Spring, small-budget movie about a young man who gets himself in trouble and he goes on the run and ends up in Italy, where he has this whirlwind romance with this great girl.

[1:08:10] But he realizes slowly that this girl is more than what she seems.

[1:08:15] She's in It Follows.

[1:08:17] Kind of.

[1:08:19] I mean, the poster of the movie is a picture of a girl with a tentacle, so you can tell there's something going on.

[1:08:26] And I've heard the movie described as like a before sunset with a monster.

[1:08:30] Huh.

[1:08:31] And I think it's kind of appropriate.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:32] There is a monster in the natural aging process.

Stuart Wellington

[1:08:36] Time is the greatest monster of all.

[1:08:40] So Spring, check it out.

[1:08:42] If you like, I mean, there's not a lot of horror romance movies out there, so.

[1:08:49] Possession, maybe?

[1:08:50] Maybe.

[1:08:50] I mean, it's not really romance.

[1:08:51] They're both slimy.

[1:08:54] So yeah, I'd recommend checking it out.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08:56] Spring.

[1:08:57] I have a movie that I'd like to recommend.

[1:08:59] I mentioned earlier in the podcast a movie called Dracula, Pages from a Virgin's Diary.

[1:09:03] That's not the movie I'm recommending.

[1:09:05] But I am recommending a movie by the same director, Guy Madden.

[1:09:08] I'm a big fan of Guy Madden.

[1:09:10] So it's strange that there's still some holes in his face.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:12] Is that the guy who does those shoes?

[1:09:13] No, that's Steve Madden.

[1:09:14] His brother.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:15] Yeah, that's his brother.

[1:09:16] Because the two brothers went into either women's weird shoes or Canadian art film.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:23] They each had to select a path.

[1:09:25] One chose the ball.

[1:09:26] The other chose the samurai sword.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:28] Of course, their father, John Madden, is disappointed that neither went into sports broadcasting.

[1:09:33] But I had never seen, until recently, Guy Madden's second movie, Archangel.

[1:09:38] And I saw recently and really liked it a lot.

[1:09:41] If you've ever seen a Guy Madden movie, you know pretty much what kind of thing to expect.

[1:09:45] It's shot similarly to a silent film or an early 30s film.

[1:09:50] It's not silent.

[1:09:51] There's lots of sound in it, but there's also intertitles.

[1:09:54] It takes place in the city of Archangel where a Canadian soldier who lost his leg in World War I is helping to fight off the Bolshevik army.

[1:10:04] But at least two and I think maybe three characters get amnesia in it.

[1:10:09] There's a scene that involves some ghosts.

[1:10:12] There's a lot of strange things.

[1:10:14] And it's kind of sad and kind of very weird and kind of funny.

[1:10:20] But like any Guy Madden movie, except for Twilight of the Ice Nymphs, which is not good and is the only one of his I do not like at all.

[1:10:27] Like any Guy Madden movie, it's a very unique experience.

[1:10:31] The only thing it really resembles is his other movies.

[1:10:34] And I liked it a lot.

[1:10:35] And the whole time you're watching it, you can tell this was a movie made on a very small budget that has so much imagination and so much style to it that it makes that work for it in a strange way.

[1:10:48] But I really liked it a lot.

[1:10:49] And I found it very affecting at the end in a way I didn't expect.

[1:10:55] There's one scene in it with a cactus that explodes spiders onto a boy.

[1:11:00] That makes no sense.

[1:11:01] So just be ready for that scene and be ready for it to happen.

[1:11:04] Sounds horrifying.

[1:11:04] It's hard for you to be like, I don't understand what just happened here.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:07] Sounds like a nightmare that I would have.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:09] No, it's kind of funny.

[1:11:10] Click on the fast forward button and then hit play.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:12] No, don't fast forward.

[1:11:13] Just be ready to know that you're not really supposed to understand that scene because they screwed it up a little bit.

[1:11:18] That's how Spider-Man came to be.

[1:11:20] Yeah, he stood close to a cactus.

[1:11:24] So Archangel.

[1:11:25] Yeah.

[1:11:26] Not the X-Men character.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:28] Three great, three amazing movies.

[1:11:32] Recommendations.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:32] Dan, did you fall asleep?

[1:11:34] I think during our recommendations.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:37] I'm zoning out.

[1:11:38] It could be the smell of skunk weed that I'm getting through.

[1:11:44] I feel like someone is smoking pot in the vicinity and it's coming through our...

[1:11:47] Elliot's busted.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:48] Uh-oh.

[1:11:49] You got me.

[1:11:50] Actually, if you notice my voice getting worse throughout the podcast, it's because my allergies to your cat are acting on it.

[1:11:54] All right.

[1:11:55] Well, let's get you out of here.

[1:11:56] High pollen couch.

[1:11:56] Let's get you out and safely into your...

Dan McCoy

[1:11:58] Cats have pollen, right?

[1:12:00] They have fur in.

[1:12:01] Let's tuck you safely into your bed at home.

[1:12:04] Are you going to tuck me into my bed?

[1:12:05] I'm going to come back with you.

[1:12:06] I'm going to put a little nightcap on you.

[1:12:08] Oh, well, then you've got to walk all the way back to your bed.

[1:12:10] No, he's going to fly back on your bed like fucking Nemo.

[1:12:12] Lullaby and goodnight for the flop house I've been.

[1:12:19] Dan McCoy and I'm Stu, hardwailing to our one.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:26] Elliot, Kalen is my name and that's me.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:32] So goodnight, drift to sleep and send us all your money.

[1:12:40] We're incepting you.

[1:12:42] Goodnight.

[1:12:45] Flop house.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:56] We're going to hit it and quit it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:00] Yep, we're going to hit it and then we're going to quit this podcast.

[1:13:01] Kick the tires and lights and fires.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:03] Are we going to slap it and map it?

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:05] Yep.

[1:13:07] Grip it and rip it.

[1:13:08] Are we going to slap it and drop it?

[1:13:09] Right off your body.

[1:13:10] Creep it and beep it.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:15] I'm Cameron Esposito.

[1:13:16] I'm Ria Butcher.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13:18] I am Ricky Carmona.

Dan McCoy

[1:13:19] And we are the cast members, what, I don't know, podcastiness of Wham Bam Pal.

[1:13:25] That's an action sci-fi movie podcast you can find on MaximumFun.org or on iTunes.

Elliott Kalan

[1:13:31] And what do we do?

[1:13:32] News reviews and things you can use.

[1:13:34] Tons of things you can use.

[1:13:35] We break it down so it can forever be broken.

[1:13:39] Hilarious jokes.

[1:13:40] Plus, sometimes there's a dog in the studio.

[1:13:42] Sometimes there's a dog here.

[1:13:43] We'll see you in your earbuds.

The Flop House: Episode #177 - Dracula: Untold

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