The Flop House: Episode #177 - Dracula: Untold

[0:00] On this episode of the podcast, we discuss Dracula, colon, untold.

[0:05] Why would Dracula bother telling anyone about his colon?

[0:08] What's a podcast?

[0:10] Hey everyone and

[0:39] welcome to the Flophouse.

[0:40] I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] Hey there.

[0:42] I am Stuart Wellington.

[0:44] Welcome to the show.

[0:45] I'm Elliot Kalin.

[0:47] Step right up.

[0:48] Step right up and listen to a podcast.

[0:50] You must be this tall to listen to this podcast, but I'm holding my hand very close to the

[0:54] ground.

[0:55] Basically, if you're taller than David the Gnome, go ahead and listen, but if you're

[0:58] David my brother, get the fuck out of here.

[1:00] Who's this David the Gnome?

[1:01] David the Gnome was a kid's television show.

[1:03] Why have you not ever introduced me to your friend David?

[1:06] No, he's not a real gnome.

[1:08] I'd like to meet a gnome.

[1:10] That was how you never thought that me, Dan McCoy, your best pal would like to meet a

[1:15] gnome.

[1:16] Well, I tried to introduce you to Norm, a gnome named Norm, and I tried to introduce

[1:20] you to the troll in Central Park and neither of those were apparently cool enough for you.

[1:24] Look, he's just a Connecticut Yankee.

[1:26] I was so busy hanging out at King Arthur's Court, you don't have time for a pebble and

[1:32] a penguin.

[1:33] Well, that was the problem.

[1:34] I was burned by that time that you introduced me to that penguin who kept talking about

[1:37] a pebble.

[1:39] I told you that was his thing.

[1:40] How shiny his pebble is, how much he loves that pebble, it's just a fucking rock penguin.

[1:44] Oh, and yet fruity pebbles, give me more please, fill up my bowl with it.

[1:48] You're right, checkmate.

[1:49] I got you with your pebble hypocrisy.

[1:52] All about the bass, no pebble, huh Dan?

[1:56] That is an oddly contemporary reference of you, Kelly.

[2:00] I occasionally go to the supermarket and hear new music there, playing over the loudened

[2:08] speakers.

[2:11] The loudened speakers.

[2:14] The loudened Wainwright speakers.

[2:17] So, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

[2:22] Just three dudes hanging out, shooting the shit.

[2:25] Chillin'.

[2:26] Elliot, let me set the scene.

[2:28] Elliot has a big glass of water with what looks like eight ice cubes in it.

[2:34] At least, I like my water cold.

[2:36] Stu is drinking a Modelo.

[2:38] Yeah.

[2:39] And he also has a, what is that, a seltzer, a half-drunk Schweppes off to the side.

[2:45] Wow, a lot of product placement.

[2:47] And I'm having a Mezcal Old Fashioned.

[2:50] It's a drink he invented.

[2:52] So it's racist, that's what's old-fashioned about it?

[2:55] What?

[2:56] It's racist and it says things you're kind of embarrassed about in public?

[2:58] Yeah, that's why you gotta drink it fast.

[3:00] Get it in your belly where no one can hear it.

[3:03] He's got to cover his head with a sheet so he deprives all of his other senses from Mezcal.

[3:08] So, Dan, how does this fit into the...

[3:10] We're sitting around a round table like the knights of old.

[3:13] With our recording equipment like the knights of old.

[3:16] How does this fit into the watch a bad movie and talk about it mission statement,

[3:20] which you put forth to the audience as the reason we do this thing?

[3:23] I just wanted to paint a word picture for their minds.

[3:28] Well, let me tell you, Word Van Gogh, don't.

[3:33] I'm painting a nerd picture for the nerds sitting around the table.

[3:39] It's where you glue a bunch of nerds to a picture.

[3:42] You mean the candy nerds?

[3:43] Yeah, not humans.

[3:44] It happens all the time.

[3:45] Rembrandt's The Night Watch has had nerds glued to it many times.

[3:49] I remember all those versions of Edward Munch's The Scream had nerds,

[3:54] and now they're lost to the ages.

[3:57] Yeah, yeah, because termites ate them.

[3:59] Thankfully, he did a bunch of those.

[4:01] He had a lot of screaming to do.

[4:03] Yeah, but we watched a movie called Dracula Untold.

[4:06] It was about a Dracula.

[4:08] It was full of Draculas.

[4:10] You're right.

[4:11] The previously untold story of one.

[4:14] Ripped from mad lines.

[4:15] One Gerald B. Dracula.

[4:17] Now, here's the thing.

[4:18] The Dracula story is not previously untold.

[4:20] It is quite often told.

[4:22] I mean, this version hasn't been told before because it's terrible.

[4:26] The intention of the title is this is the origin of Dracula that you never heard before,

[4:31] but this is the story of Dracula.

[4:33] This is the untold tale that has been hidden for ages.

[4:36] Yeah, you had to read Stoker's Silmarillion or whatever he wrote.

[4:39] Yeah, his unpublished works that his son Chris Stoker edited and put up for publication.

[4:44] It's pronounced Christopher.

[4:46] I assume he spells it C-R-I-S-S.

[4:49] Because it's Chris Angel Stoker.

[4:53] He's a mind freak and a posthumous publishing freak.

[4:57] But this is the origin story of Dracula.

[4:59] And this is, at first, I think it's just going to be a new Dracula movie.

[5:02] And then, because the Marvel Universe of movies was such a hit, Universal Studios decided,

[5:07] hey, rather than just making use of this Dracula character who's been part of the Universal

[5:11] Monster Library for 80 years now, let's start a monster universe.

[5:16] Because you know what operates the same way as superheroes?

[5:19] Monsters.

[5:21] This became the seed for, I assume, Universal's plans to have multiple monsters.

[5:25] Is this part of the same universe as I, Frankincense?

[5:27] Is that the same?

[5:28] No, I think that's a different universe.

[5:30] I think it's a different studio, possibly, but I'm not sure about that.

[5:32] Yeah, isn't one the underworld and this is the overworld?

[5:35] I don't know what that means.

[5:37] But here's the thing.

[5:38] More like Blunderworld.

[5:39] High five.

[5:40] Come on.

[5:41] Yeah.

[5:42] Anyway, here's the thing.

[5:43] I wish you podcast listeners could see the look of pure disgust that Malia just gave me.

[5:50] At flagrant misuse of a high five?

[5:52] Yes.

[5:53] So, the thing is, there's a lot of potential in that idea of a shared universe because

[5:58] the Universal monsters were the original shared universe.

[6:01] They started as separate movies with separate characters.

[6:04] And over time, as Universal tried to wring every last dime out of these monsters.

[6:08] You know, like Adam and Costello would show up.

[6:10] Adam and Costello would show up.

[6:11] Frankenstein would meet the Wolfman.

[6:13] They'd go to the house of Dracula.

[6:14] Eventually, Bela Lugosi met a Brooklyn gorilla.

[6:17] It's not related.

[6:18] It's a different movie.

[6:19] I like the idea though.

[6:21] They just met at a party.

[6:23] Because it's the actor, Bela Lugosi, at that point.

[6:25] I used to do a stand-up bit about how Japanese monster movies have complex-based titles.

[6:31] It's Godzilla versus King Ghidorah.

[6:35] But with American movies, it's always Frankenstein.

[6:38] Adam and Costello meet Frankenstein.

[6:40] So, you're either just at a mixer.

[6:42] Dracula meets the Wolfman.

[6:44] Oh, Wolfman.

[6:45] I've heard quite a bit about you.

[6:47] You have a lot of shared interests, those two.

[6:49] You like drinking blood. I like drinking blood.

[6:52] We should hang out.

[6:53] Wolfmans drink blood.

[6:55] Depending on the folklore, we both don't like silver.

[6:59] We should double date.

[7:01] Garlic too, maybe. I don't know.

[7:03] Wolfsbane doesn't do anything for me.

[7:06] But you!

[7:07] See, that's why they would want to meet, so they could cover all that shit.

[7:10] Yeah, so they could compare notes on their monster lives.

[7:12] On their weaknesses.

[7:15] Just write them down.

[7:16] Just give them to each other, so they know.

[7:18] Let's make a list and then hide it somewhere, so that our monster hunter enemies can't find it.

[7:22] He's becoming a Nazi as I do the voice.

[7:27] Let's be honest. None of our voices started out that great.

[7:29] No. All monsters want someone to talk to.

[7:31] Because otherwise, the only one they have to talk to is Bugs Bunny.

[7:34] When he's giving them a manicure right before he blows them up.

[7:39] So, Dracula Untold is the origin story of Dracula.

[7:42] Which the universe has been crying out for very quietly.

[7:45] Because nobody really cares that much about it.

[7:47] And it's one of a number of different attempts to make Dracula into more of a romantic hero.

[7:52] Than a force of unmitigated evil and darkness.

[7:56] Which is the way I prefer the character, personally.

[7:58] It seems like movies always labor under the delusion that...

[8:02] Okay, this character has his name in the title.

[8:05] So we need to make him into a romantic hero of some kind.

[8:08] He must be the hero.

[8:09] Rather than just a mysterious force of darkness.

[8:12] And this is a character who has a sexual charisma about him.

[8:15] Let's just go all the way and make him the good guy.

[8:17] Rather than having the audience be made uncomfortable by their attraction to this evil.

[8:22] I'm not against Universal trying to go their own way and have...

[8:27] They can go their own way.

[8:30] Make a Dracula.

[8:33] They can tell the Dracula.

[8:35] So it's not untold.

[8:39] Runnin' on Dracula.

[8:41] Runnin' on.

[8:42] Runnin' on Dracula.

[8:46] He's like the wind.

[8:48] He's bitin' my neck.

[8:50] That's not even a Fleetwood Mac song at that point.

[8:53] That's a Patrick Swayze song.

[8:55] Were we doing Fleetwood Mac songs?

[8:57] Wait, you thought the other ones were Patrick Swayze songs?

[8:59] I thought they were all Patrick Swayze songs.

[9:03] That other one, Tusk.

[9:04] You might have had a bat catalog.

[9:06] A bat catalog.

[9:08] That's what Dracula has.

[9:09] Let's talk about Dracula.

[9:10] What were you going to say?

[9:11] So I like the idea that...

[9:13] So Universal might be trying to establish their own world of Dracula.

[9:18] But they borrow so heavily on the Coppola 90s movie.

[9:26] By 2015, Dracula's will be all diesel.

[9:31] They will no longer feed on blood.

[9:33] I mean, he's ripped.

[9:35] He's super diesel.

[9:36] He's Shaq Diesel.

[9:37] But you're right.

[9:39] I would not mind a totally original take on Dracula.

[9:44] The same thing that happens with a lot of the movies we watch.

[9:46] Where they don't go all the way into originality.

[9:48] They just kind of steal from other places.

[9:51] This is like the new RoboCop of Dracula's.

[9:54] While we were watching it, I'm just tired of revisionist takes on everything.

[10:00] It seems like movies that are made these days are just like the idea that we have,

[10:05] oh, we've got a new take on this, and so it's a good take.

[10:08] You would prefer a new take on it.

[10:10] Well, no, I mean, it's just like, well, maybe.

[10:12] Admit it, Dan.

[10:13] I would, but why are you interested in the property in the first place?

[10:18] If it was called Dracula Unclothed, you'd be all over it.

[10:20] I would, and I've probably watched that movie on Cinemax.

[10:24] But you have to look at the property in the first place and be like,

[10:28] why am I interested in this character?

[10:30] And at that point, it feels like it would be a more original thing at this point

[10:35] to just do a straight-up Dracula adaptation and try to do it well.

[10:39] Instead of some kind of draction hero.

[10:41] Yeah, straight up now tell me what's the Dracula story all about, as Paula Abdul sang.

[10:46] Okay, so how does this movie go?

[10:48] MC Dracat.

[10:49] MC Dracat.

[10:50] Opposites bite each other.

[10:54] Not even opposites a drac, Elliot?

[10:58] Too obvious.

[11:00] So let's quickly go through the plot as quickly as we ever can on this show.

[11:03] I take two steps forward, you take two steps drac.

[11:07] We come together because opposites a drac?

[11:09] You can't run drac with drac.

[11:11] Yeah, that's the problem.

[11:13] We gotta go back to the drawing board on this.

[11:15] Remember in the 80s when Demi Moore and Rob Lowe were part of the drac pack?

[11:20] They were the hot young stars who were biting people and sucking their blood out?

[11:23] They could get away with anything back then.

[11:25] Anyway, so we start in the Middle Ages.

[11:28] We are told about how the Ottoman Empire, to retain the loyalty of its vassal states,

[11:34] takes tributes in the form of children that they train into feared janissary warriors.

[11:39] One of these, Vlad the Impaler, a prince of Transylvania,

[11:43] who at the time is just called Vlad, he's yet to impale anybody.

[11:46] He is taught to be a feared warrior and then he eventually becomes the impaler

[11:51] because that's his thing.

[11:52] That's how he shows off how many people he kills, the impalism.

[11:56] He decides that he doesn't want to be a soldier anymore

[11:59] and he returns to become prince of Transylvania and there he lives in peace

[12:05] because he pays tribute in the form of silver coins to his Ottoman Turk warlords.

[12:11] He's out with his scouting party one day, his best buds, his merry men if you will,

[12:15] and they find this trail.

[12:17] A bunch of blonde guys basically.

[12:19] Yeah, because this being Transylvania in the Middle Ages,

[12:21] they're all blonde or English looking and have English accents.

[12:25] Very historically accurate.

[12:26] It's guys on their lunch break from the set of That Vikings TV show.

[12:31] It does feel at times like they shot it as a lark in between Vikings.

[12:36] Not called it That Vikings TV show.

[12:37] No, it does not follow the That 70s show titling rubric.

[12:42] What if it did?

[12:44] And Dracula, we should mention, or Vlad is played by Luke Evans,

[12:47] a Flophouse 3 Peter, I believe.

[12:50] Yeah, he was one of them musketeers.

[12:52] He was a musketeer and he wasn't immortal, right?

[12:54] Yeah.

[12:54] And he's Bob Evans' brother, little known fact.

[12:57] I don't think that's true.

[12:58] Famed restauranteur, Bob Evans.

[13:00] Yeah, he's a regular Eric Repair, that guy.

[13:07] That's where you take your Erics when they're broken.

[13:10] It's Eric Repair.

[13:11] Anyway, I'll show myself out.

[13:15] The scouting party goes to a mountain cave on Broke Tooth Mountain,

[13:20] which I guess is the ancient Transylvanian version of Brokeback Mountain.

[13:24] And I expected Dracula and his men just to fall in love and start doing it right there.

[13:27] Do some impaling.

[13:28] Yeah, tell their wives that they were going on a ye olde fishing trip,

[13:32] but that didn't happen.

[13:33] Do some impaling.

[13:35] I just heard that.

[13:35] It took that like a brontosaurus with the nerve impulse going from its tail to its head.

[13:42] It took a long time for me to hear that joke.

[13:45] It's because your brain was trying to protect you from it.

[13:48] Yeah.

[13:49] A cloud of bats escaped from the cave.

[13:54] No, you're right.

[13:55] There's a lot of clouds of bats.

[13:56] There's a lot of bat clouds.

[13:57] Don't laugh every time I mention it, because there's a lot of bat clouds.

[14:00] And they find themselves in what seems to be an abattoir of men.

[14:03] There's just bones everywhere.

[14:04] And some kind of horrible creature kills all of Vlad's men before he cuts it with his sword

[14:10] or reflects the sunlight onto it with his sword and it runs away.

[14:13] I don't know.

[14:13] Anyway, Vlad goes back home and a local monk tells him,

[14:17] hey, you were fighting a vampire in there.

[14:19] Don't go back.

[14:20] It's a guy who was cursed to eat blood forever.

[14:23] And now he's a demon or something.

[14:24] Vlad the Impaler has a fine time with his wife,

[14:29] joking around, and he pulls her into a bathtub with him.

[14:31] Then it's Easter.

[14:33] Well, hold on.

[14:35] What?

[14:35] It was Easter?

[14:36] Yeah.

[14:37] All right.

[14:37] They mentioned that.

[14:38] They're not like looking for eggs or nothing.

[14:40] It's middle ages.

[14:41] They didn't do that shit yet.

[14:42] Easter existed.

[14:43] They're all Christians.

[14:44] Yeah, all right.

[14:44] I just didn't notice that.

[14:45] And just because they weren't biting the heads off chocolate bunnies doesn't mean it's not Easter.

[14:49] And they're...

[14:50] They weren't singing Peter Cotton tale or nothing.

[14:53] That's not even an Easter song.

[14:54] Critters 2 wasn't going on around them or anything.

[15:00] Just because they didn't sit back and, what, watch football or something?

[15:03] What happens during Easter?

[15:05] Not a lot.

[15:08] There's more chocolate in the CVS than usual.

[15:10] Yeah.

[15:10] Just because in the next scene we didn't see Dracula buying half-priced Peeps at CVS

[15:16] doesn't mean it wasn't Easter.

[15:18] It's a good deal.

[15:20] You have to wait for after the holiday.

[15:22] Again, I'm turning into a Nazi.

[15:24] I like to sink my teeth into them and suck the marshmallow out from...

[15:30] Just leave a husk of sprinkles.

[15:32] Children of the sugar.

[15:34] What beautiful tastes they make.

[15:37] I don't eat Peeps.

[15:39] Yes, I do.

[15:42] I guess that was Dracula for Peeps.

[15:44] This is a really weird...

[15:46] This is a weird ad concept, Don Kramer.

[15:50] No, no.

[15:50] Here's the thing.

[15:51] Peeps is an old Greek word meaning an unhealed vampire.

[15:56] We all want to make a peep.

[15:57] We all want to make a sound.

[15:58] We all want to be heard.

[16:00] But no one's heard.

[16:02] That's why we need our Peeps.

[16:04] They talk when we can't.

[16:05] And who also talks when we can't?

[16:07] Vampires.

[16:08] Dracula.

[16:09] Is this what they taught you growing up in that brothel?

[16:10] I don't understand.

[16:11] Whenever I was a young boy, I'd help the prostitutes steal from the men, from their pockets.

[16:17] They'd give me a dollar and I'd spend it on Peeps.

[16:19] And then I'd bite into the Peeps neck and suck the cream out, pretending I was a vampire.

[16:24] That was the happiest moment of my life.

[16:25] You're a real creep, Don.

[16:26] Get out.

[16:27] Get out of here.

[16:28] A creep for Peeps.

[16:29] And that's the slogan we've been working on that I think you're gonna like.

[16:32] Be a creep for Peeps.

[16:34] And you got a big picture of Dracula biting a Peep.

[16:36] He's got a ghoulish smile on his face as if to say,

[16:39] I want to suck your blood, but I want Peeps more.

[16:42] Another good tagline.

[16:44] Here's a...

[16:44] Okay, how about this?

[16:47] You've already lost the account.

[16:48] A young couple runs into a churchyard, perhaps to make love,

[16:52] away from the prying eyes of the community.

[16:55] They have with them a basket of that greatest aphrodisiac, Easter Peeps.

[17:01] Because what puts us in the mood more than a tiny marshmallow chicken?

[17:04] No.

[17:05] Or a canary or whatever it is.

[17:07] We see a shadow hulking after them, stalking them.

[17:11] Is it the groundskeeper?

[17:12] No, it's Dracula.

[17:13] He rears up.

[17:14] They run off frightened, leaving their Peeps behind.

[17:17] He looks at the camera and says,

[17:18] Well, I got what I wanted.

[17:20] Bites the head off a Peep.

[17:22] Dracula.

[17:22] He's creeps for Peeps.

[17:23] Roger, can you do something about this?

[17:26] Can you rein in your buddy?

[17:27] I'm not drunk.

[17:28] You're drunk.

[17:29] Dracula for Peeps.

[17:30] Let's get out of here, Vlad.

[17:32] Anyway, that's the last episode of Mad Men.

[17:34] I hope we didn't spoil it for anybody.

[17:37] So while they're celebrating Easter with his wife and his son named Ingeris,

[17:42] a bunch of soldiers come in and he says,

[17:44] Oh, I have your tribute.

[17:45] He says, no, no, no.

[17:46] We're taking children now.

[17:47] We want a tribute of a thousand boys, including your son, Vlad.

[17:52] It's one of those bad guys who shows up and just is like,

[17:56] every time he says a line, he has this like shit-eating grin like,

[17:59] Oh, you hero, you're never going to stop me.

[18:03] Everyone, the villagers all love Vlad because he keeps the peace.

[18:08] And the other, the Ottomans all like really resent him.

[18:12] And they're very smug about it.

[18:14] Yeah.

[18:14] And I didn't like that.

[18:16] And the Ottomans are mainly more white, blonde guys.

[18:19] Yes.

[18:19] The Ottomans, by the way, except for their leader.

[18:21] Who are all armed with like Klingon batleths.

[18:23] Yeah, they do all have Klingon battle axes.

[18:26] What are they called, batleths?

[18:28] And the leader is Howard Stark from the Marvel series,

[18:32] except they darked up his skin and he has kind of an accent.

[18:36] And whenever he walks, he swaggers so much that he's just throwing his shoulders around.

[18:40] He is, every step is perpendicular to the last step.

[18:43] It's amazing.

[18:46] His acting coach is the cartoon Brad Pitt from Cool World.

[18:53] Such a specific reference.

[18:55] That was great.

[18:55] That was good stuff.

[18:56] You go with that.

[18:58] Okay, bye guys.

[19:00] Now, Vlad refuses.

[19:01] Then he decides, maybe I will submit my son as a tribute.

[19:04] Then he decides he won't.

[19:05] He kills all these bad guy soldiers.

[19:06] He chops the hands off.

[19:07] Yeah, he's like just about to do it.

[19:09] And then the bad guy has to say one more shitty thing.

[19:11] Yeah.

[19:13] Vlad says, there's no way we can stop this Ottoman army.

[19:17] So he goes to Broke Tooth Mountain to talk to the vampire in,

[19:21] I would say, one of the two entertaining scenes in the movie.

[19:25] The bad vampire is played by, what's his name?

[19:27] Charles Dance.

[19:28] Charles Dance.

[19:29] Tyrion Lannister from Game of Thrones,

[19:30] whereas you reminded us the assassin from Last Action Hero.

[19:34] Yeah, with the weird gun sight contact lenses.

[19:40] He's all dressed up like...

[19:41] Those are contact lenses?

[19:42] I thought it was like a fake eye.

[19:44] Is it?

[19:44] I don't...

[19:45] I don't remember.

[19:46] No, in real life it's a contact lens.

[19:46] Let's just watch Last Action Hero.

[19:48] Yeah, pause the recording.

[19:49] Let's go watch LAH and then we'll get back to this, as the fans call it.

[19:53] Hero Heads.

[19:55] Blasters, they also call themselves.

[19:56] Blasters?

[19:57] Blasters.

[19:58] Blaster is a big guy that you...

[20:00] right on top of in the thunderdome okay i think i'm a master blaster

[20:03] uh... that's what i was just talking about okay

[20:07] so charles dances all pale with a black shroud over me looks like scryer one of

[20:12] the worst spider-man characters ever created okay so that's one of the spider

[20:16] web heads uh... and he kind of is way creepier and more interesting to me at

[20:21] least than dracula has been

[20:23] through the entire movie and from any point after

[20:26] there's something inhumanly evil about him

[20:29] like a guy who's lived in a cave forever just eating people like a descent monster

[20:32] yeah even though he basically just shows up to deliver exposition yeah and he does it

[20:36] with more panache and character than anything else and to offer a devilish

[20:41] uh... deal you make a good point which is how does he eat people in that cave

[20:44] does he just like order a bunch of take out and then just feed on the take out guy

[20:48] he is essentially to this movie

[20:50] what the sarlacc is to return to the jedi he is a big open hole

[20:54] in a place nobody goes

[20:56] and somehow he manages to survive on that

[20:59] i mean and like we see him like the first time

[21:01] uh... our hero manages to avoid him

[21:05] there's got to be a shitload of hikers

[21:08] our hero manages to avoid him the first time he encounters him so like

[21:11] he's got to be like ah stupid stupid vampire

[21:15] oh i fucked up again well it looks like i'm not going to eat him for another year

[21:19] i love the idea of a vampire who beats himself up a lot in private

[21:21] and he calls himself vampire

[21:25] stupid dracula you're the worst vampire

[21:29] idea for children's book the worst vampire

[21:32] yeah because he tries to see himself

[21:34] bunnicula

[21:35] what if i was a bunny

[21:37] that was a thing does he

[21:39] like does he drink blood or just eat vegetables what the fuck is he going to do

[21:43] bunnicula sucks the juice out of vegetables he would drain vegetables what is scary about that

[21:48] it's not really a scary book i'm not really sure well it's a funny book i'm not sure why the other pets

[21:53] were freaked out by it though because they were not in any immediate danger it's creepy vegetarian

[21:58] rabbit look count dracula was a vegetarian too it doesn't mean that that guy wasn't always trying to kill him

[22:03] ketchup would he

[22:04] ketchup that was his thing right yeah he liked tomatoes and ketchup and stuff

[22:08] did darkwing duck and count dracula ever have a crossover i wish i don't think they did but that would have been great

[22:13] considering they were from two different companies and continents dracula was the

[22:17] the danger mouse people right the same company i think so it was a similar it was english and a similar

[22:21] the thing i would love about a self-hating vampire is the fact that he can't even have that scene where he looks in the mirror and burns himself

[22:27] he can't see himself but in this movie he can there's a whole scene i'll skip ahead where dracula's fighting

[22:33] and he's watched in the reflection of a sword which he shouldn't be able to do right anyway

[22:39] the vampire says to vlad

[22:41] i'm going to give you a taste of my blood

[22:43] i says to him vlad

[22:45] uh... i'm going to give you some of my blood

[22:47] quoting the title of the great theodore sturgeon novella some of my blood a modern vampire story

[22:52] if you haven't read it it's a fantastic book

[22:54] uh... he says i'm going to give you some of my blood to drink just drink it out of this broken skull

[22:59] drink it out of this skull top

[23:00] you'll have three days of total vamping

[23:02] if you can avoid drinking someone else's blood in that three days which you're going to want to do

[23:07] seems totally easy

[23:08] then you know what the trial period is over

[23:10] you get to return the vampire powers and keep a peaceful kingdom as my gift to you

[23:14] steve once you've got that in your head

[23:15] once you're thinking about drinking blood all you want to do is drink blood

[23:19] one thing i can't do is drink blood i'll be fine

[23:22] if i told you right now you can't drink any blood like you're just going to

[23:25] i'm going to drink all your blood

[23:27] you're going to drink that sweet blood

[23:30] uh...

[23:31] that's basically what happens

[23:32] i can see you looking at me right now like i'm turning into a big chicken leg

[23:37] but instead of a chicken leg you're just a giant pulsing vein

[23:42] or a blood sausage

[23:43] yeah i'm like one of those bags of uh... of plasma that you would have in like an ivy

[23:49] plasma blag

[23:51] yeah plasma blast

[23:53] that's what the nurse says we're going to give you a plasma blast

[23:58] that's the doritos extreme version of blood bags

[24:01] nurse blast him with twenty cc's of plasma

[24:04] they just put him in a super soaker and shoot him into your mouth

[24:10] uh... it's not going to get into his veins if you shoot it in his mouth

[24:14] you'll get in there eventually no it's going to pass through his intestinal system

[24:18] he's just going to shit that blood right out

[24:20] cindy after this dirt bike accident

[24:22] just take me to the extreme hospital

[24:25] we're going to blast you full of plasma man

[24:29] we're going to do an ectoplasma blast

[24:34] we're going to set this bone to the extreme radical

[24:39] this is some radical surgery

[24:40] it's the same surgery but i've got my hat on backwards

[24:44] and there's a slingshot in my scrubs anyway

[24:46] so

[24:47] uh... vlad takes the deal

[24:49] he says this is going to give me the power to fight off the

[24:52] ottomans and i won't drink any blood for three days so the joke's on you vampire

[24:56] and the vampire says something like

[24:58] if you become a vampire i'll be freed from my curse

[25:02] and i can leave this cave and use you as a tool to get revenge on my captors

[25:06] this

[25:07] is not mentioned again until the last seconds of the movie

[25:11] because it's dumb

[25:12] but anyway

[25:13] vlad goes and he wakes up in a riverbed and he has the moment in every superhero

[25:17] movie where he discovers what his powers are

[25:19] bumbling around and crumbling rocks in his hand and healing real fast and

[25:23] falling into a stream and shit

[25:25] anyway bumbling and stumbling

[25:27] he's bumbling and stumbling he's tripping and ripping he's groping and

[25:30] pooping but whereas in like a superhero movie it's that moment of like childlike

[25:34] wonder like oh wow i have powers now

[25:37] this is silly because it's like

[25:39] i'm a vampire now i guess

[25:41] yeah there's a big downside to what he can do

[25:45] so he goes back to his uh...

[25:47] he goes back to his home

[25:49] and the ottomans show up and vlad

[25:52] and they're like we invented this new thing you put your legs on it and he's like i don't want to hear about it

[25:58] i'll just pull a chair up

[26:00] vlad goes out and kills the whole army

[26:02] i'll pull up this cat bed i bought

[26:06] i'll just get a bale of hay

[26:08] i put my legs up on my son the son that i'm not giving to you

[26:13] crouch down here let me put my legs on your back

[26:17] now we've always done it here

[26:20] because i want to put my legs on him

[26:22] so the ottomans apparently follow ninja rules

[26:25] which is that an entire army of people

[26:27] circles the one hero and fights him one-on-one until they're all totally dead

[26:32] they're all deadified and so you have

[26:34] an army of people is racing towards a castle

[26:37] vlad walks out to meet them and instead of

[26:39] a few guys stopping to fight vlad as the other guys run to the castle

[26:43] everyone circles around him they're like one guy let's go kill him this is going to be the

[26:47] sweetest murder of all

[26:49] and then he totally destroyifies them with his vampire powers

[26:52] he's turning into a cloud of bats he picks up their swords and stabs them a lot

[26:56] and stewart as you pointed out at one point he says

[26:58] men don't fear swords they fear monsters

[27:01] but then he just uses his monster powers to be a great sword fencer and stab them with

[27:04] swords if there's one thing i've heard about medieval soldiers is that they always choose

[27:09] to fight the toughest thing possible instead of fighting the wimps and the ladies that

[27:13] are stuck in the castle

[27:15] when the easy if i was one of those ottoman soldiers i am rushing towards the castle

[27:18] i'm not going to deal with that guy

[27:20] let me go to the castle

[27:22] kill everybody in there take it over close the gates

[27:24] dracula can't get in and stop me

[27:26] maybe if they'd thrown out a scene where like somebody said like kill that guy i'll give

[27:30] you a hundred i don't know ottoman credits what do they use

[27:34] ot bucks

[27:35] uh... or if his like armor was made out of gold or if there is some reason that they

[27:39] had

[27:40] for wanting to go after him specifically

[27:43] but that doesn't happen anyway he says to his guys

[27:47] i just destroyed a whole army let's evacuate and get out of here

[27:50] they go to a different castle which is this crazy monastery

[27:53] uh... and

[27:55] it is a creepy monastery

[27:57] on the way there there's a

[27:58] all the monks are doing crazy things

[28:01] there's a romani who goes like

[28:03] i know you're a vampire

[28:05] you want to drink my blood and he's like no that's cool

[28:07] uh... they go to the monastery and unfortunately

[28:10] uh...

[28:11] there's

[28:12] an ambush by soldiers

[28:15] and vlad shows up and and like

[28:17] does the stealth thing where he has he's a cloud of bats killing bad guys one by one

[28:21] even though there's a battle already uh... the fact that he has superpowers

[28:25] makes everyone think he's a vampire which he is they try to kill him by

[28:28] burning him alive this is his own people

[28:30] but he escapes and he says i want to become a vampire so i can save you jerks

[28:35] uh...

[28:36] the ottoman army look at yourselves

[28:38] who is the real monster yeah check your own selves check your privilege

[28:43] check your living non undead privilege i can't walk around in the sun

[28:48] you take that for granted

[28:50] the police stop me wherever i go

[28:52] you know what it's like to walk into a store and be followed around by the van

[28:55] helsing they hired to keep vampires from stealing stuff and biting the customers

[29:00] i can't eat pizza with garlic on it i gotta eat it with sweet onions and it's

[29:04] terrible

[29:07] step walk a mile in my vamp boots you'll know what it's like

[29:11] fly a mile in my cloud of bats i have to be invited in to go anywhere and no one's

[29:16] gonna invite me i've never been invited

[29:19] to the bathroom at the public library so i can't use it

[29:23] i can't cross running water all water is running dudes well that's not true

[29:30] stewart

[29:32] stewart happens to be checking his phone he throws out a patently false thing and then he's just like uh...

[29:37] wait hold on double check it on wikipedia look i can't look at myself in the

[29:41] mirror i have to take it for granted that my hair looks good nobody tells me

[29:46] well it does it looks excellent if i have something stuck in my teeth

[29:50] i can have something stuck in my teeth forever

[29:53] because i'm going to be alive forever and i can't look in a mirror

[29:56] it's tough being a vampire i mean you could ask somebody you could ask one of your

[30:00] Enfields or whatever this reminds me of a of another I talked about a stand-up bit

[30:04] I did I used to do earlier this reminds me of a sketch. I wrote once

[30:08] About after the the tribute for Hurricane Katrina

[30:12] Where they were trying to raise the one where I instead it was a tribute for the now homeless monsters of New Orleans

[30:19] It was very dumb, but it was had Dracula saying that George Bush doesn't care about vampire people

[30:25] So anyway, I was young

[30:30] Satire

[30:32] The point is

[30:34] Guess what eventually everybody's like okay, Dracula

[30:36] You can help us fight this army the Ottomans attack again a lot of this movie is Ottoman armies attacking and Dracula

[30:42] Just plowing through them never

[30:44] Getting threatened by them really in this case the Ottoman army attacks and Dracula unleashes his biggest attack yet

[30:50] We call it the bat fist

[30:52] He collects a swarm of like a million bats, and then he like a conductor or a power glove

[30:58] He controls them with his fist while they form the shape of a giant fist and are just punching the I think it's a fist

[31:05] It's really tough to say this movie's pretty dark. Yeah, it's very dimly lit and by dark

[31:09] I mean dark and gritty like a real a real drac man returns, so

[31:15] Like how much force do you think like a bunch of?

[31:19] For skin for some reason how much force

[31:24] Like a lot

[31:26] Because he's dead it's probably because he's dead it's grown to epic length

[31:32] Because he's dead he's after you die similar to your fingernails your foreskin continues to grow

[31:37] When you become a vampire you go down to hell

[31:40] Lucifer or maybe behemoth or one of his guys cuts off your foreskin as

[31:44] Moteus takes it and makes a necklace out of they go we're gonna keep this as collateral

[31:49] If you want your foreskin back, it's your part of the deal. I'm just which is to be a bad guy I guess

[31:56] Even if it's a bunch of bats like oh, no they get with the horse of an artillery shell

[32:01] Yeah, they literally even if it's a bunch of bats even if it's a bat bunch

[32:05] the bat bunch I

[32:07] Mean I could see maybe story of a lovely bat bring up three very lovely bats

[32:13] Then they met a bat no he had three bats. No they for the bat

[32:17] The bat bunch the bat bunch mm-hmm. I mean it really seems like controlling bats like your top power would be like oh, yeah rabies

[32:27] Ladies hair he's so busy on his bat slap

[32:29] And then he forgot to protect the monastery cuz I'm up and start killing his wife and late and people

[32:36] yeah, some soldiers come in through the back door, which apparently they decided not to guard and

[32:41] they kill his wife and

[32:43] Kidnap his son. Oh

[32:46] Bum bum bum and they managed to kill

[32:49] Pretty much everybody in the castle. Yeah

[32:53] Dracula almost saves his wife

[32:55] She plummets from a tower and he catches her ooh

[32:58] Too late, and she begs him great scene in a not very good scene

[33:03] Motion falling a lot of like lots of faces and yes style chorus in them in the on the soundtrack and

[33:11] Dracula is trying so hard, but he's like

[33:14] And his teeth are getting longer. He's exerting his bat power so much and his wife who knew he was a vampire already

[33:20] She doesn't care though. She's all about him. She's all cuz he's totally ripped. Yeah

[33:25] He's not even scarred up anymore now. He's a drag his scars yelled with his vamp powers

[33:30] He says suck my blood so you can get the power you need to save our son and he reluctantly does it

[33:35] Oh within the three-day limit now. He's a full-blown vamp attack

[33:40] the other

[33:42] Dances out of the cave

[33:45] It does a two-step does the bat to see if the cave and flops away

[33:50] to wherever

[33:52] No, he flies away to the end of the movie. Anyway

[33:56] The Dracula finds a bunch of his people are still alive and he goes hey you want revenge he totally vampifies them

[34:03] Dracula goes to the camp where the Ottoman leader is

[34:07] And his son is being kept he and his vampire soldiers arrive and are just cutting through everybody mowing down the Ottomans

[34:13] He goes to confront the lead bad guy after after a lightning storm like that THX logo

[34:19] Not the biggest little that's the Don Simpson logo

[34:21] What's the one with the bunch of lightning bolts and then all of a sudden it's like and the music swells and that's like this

[34:26] thing

[34:29] Yeah

[34:31] Yeah, yeah, cuz Don Simpson's dead I forgot to mention that he died about 20 years

[34:36] Oh if anyone out there hadn't heard that

[34:38] This is not how I wanted you to hear that the producer of Top Gun died. He didn't have gun, right?

[34:43] Yeah, I I don't know. We're both I

[34:47] Was either

[34:52] The movies before Don Simpson died in the movies after Don Simpson died are not

[34:57] That much different. So the Simpson Bruckheimer like I guess. Oh, yeah, like it all broke. I'm gonna continue the legacy. Yeah

[35:04] So anyway, yeah, he walks Dracula walks towards him super cool with a bunch of lightning bolts flying around him like storm is there, too

[35:11] and

[35:12] He finally gets to the tent where his son's being held by the lead bad guy, but uh-oh

[35:17] There are bags of silver everywhere and vampires can't take silver because he has to count up every single piece

[35:23] No, he's not a Chinese vampire

[35:26] And tip for the tech for being chased by a Chinese vampire pull that handful of rice out of your pocket and throw it on

[35:31] The ground and then run away cuz he's got a count of that will foil the guillotine

[35:35] It's also gonna be easy to run away because he hops after you. Mm-hmm weird vampire. No, dude hopping is pretty fast. Nope

[35:43] Maybe the least fast way to locomote me without wriggling on your belly. Yeah, if you're a bunny, maybe that's the only thing

[35:50] It's a bun Nicola

[35:53] How do you think but I kill is based on the guillotine myth from Chinese mythology, I doubt it

[36:01] Yeah, I could see someone being like oh that's interesting a hopping vampire a hopping fan a hopping vampire

[36:08] I'll make it about a fire

[36:12] Honey lock the door. I gotta write this book lock the lock the door

[36:19] Lock the door from the outside and don't let me out

[36:22] Scream

[36:26] Manicula and sell it to Avon books the kids book fairs are coming up. They're gonna need to order these along with their Garfield treasuries

[36:33] And

[36:36] They're and they're

[36:39] Chooses your own adventures and who names their kid Beezus for God's sake

[36:44] Ramona that's on the borderline

[36:47] That's on the cusp

[36:50] So bad for all those kids that were named Beezus after that book came out

[36:58] Explosion in kids name

[37:00] Freakonomics, dude, just like all the kids named super fudge

[37:04] It sounds like it sounds like a hillbilly trying to pluralize be

[37:20] They're stinging me

[37:29] The sting of occasion process

[37:32] Anyway in the room with Kevin Spacey's character from House of Cards

[37:38] Because our southern accents are so bad

[37:40] So drac is in a room full of silver coins. It hurts him, but he finds the strength to fight back

[37:46] He turns into a crowd of bats. He kills the bad guy saves his son whoopity-doo

[37:51] But uh-oh all of his village people are now vampires and they want to eat his son

[37:56] American the construction

[38:01] Biker why is the construction worker because he works out in the Sun all day and he totally wants to eat kids

[38:12] Part of the village people backstory was that they're cannibals. Did we forget to mention that?

[38:17] Yeah

[38:19] The village they are is a village of cannibals. I think it's the village of the damned people

[38:24] Oh, and they're gay icons who can also read your mind

[38:28] I get mm-hmm and they know you want to hear why I'm saying

[38:31] They're called the Norwich cuckoos

[38:33] Some kind of t-shirt. I think some kind of like geek friendly t-shirt is a village people village of the damn mashup

[38:40] Yeah, yeah, okay. I can see that be somebody makes a like sure

[38:44] Give us money go to a press or something and go to nerd shirts calm

[38:49] What a mashup shit

[38:57] That's a deep-cut Stewart, that's for the real super fans or super fudges look whatever it takes

[39:04] So was super fudge the last fudge of a dying planet that came here in our yellow Sun melted him into super power

[39:11] I think you're being charitable with the super part of that name now

[39:15] What if pretty good fudge would have been a better name?

[39:18] There's a super fudge bonikula crossover where they get merged together to become a chocolate rabbit for Easter

[39:23] It's like the end of Tetsuo

[39:25] The Iron Man where they merge into that giant penis tank and run rampant through the streets of Tokyo

[39:32] Well, how weird must that have been for bystanders to just see that running through the streets with a guy with like a

[39:38] 60-millimeter camera just running after shaking the camera all over

[39:41] Do you think they would have just been like it's a living?

[39:45] Then they go buy some soiled panties out of a vending machine

[39:48] Yeah, yeah cultural stereotypes

[39:52] Mine was an accurate description of the movie, but anyway, we're so close to the end the other vampires want to eat his son

[39:58] He says no go Burroughs

[40:00] And he stabs one of them through the heart,

[40:02] and that guy totally explodifies.

[40:05] Then a monk shows up with a cross.

[40:06] He says, I'm going to save your son, and he takes him away.

[40:09] The son comes out and kills down all the vampires.

[40:12] And some great slow motion vampire melding.

[40:14] One guy is running while each of his limbs is exploding,

[40:17] and it looks hilarious.

[40:21] But then we see the Romani gypsy from earlier

[40:25] give some of his blood to Dracula, reviving him.

[40:27] And I forgot to mention that this was all

[40:29] narrated in the opening and closing by Dracula's son,

[40:32] even though he then disappears.

[40:33] Because we flash forward to modern day,

[40:36] where Vlad, who's just out walking around enjoying

[40:39] a nice day on the town, meets a woman named Mina, who

[40:43] looks just like his wife.

[40:45] And they have a conversation about poetry,

[40:48] and then split up.

[40:49] And from afar, Charles Dance is watching.

[40:52] And he says, let the games begin,

[40:54] and then walks off.

[40:56] End of movie.

[40:57] Sequel in the making.

[40:59] Dracula told.

[41:02] So that was great.

[41:04] You did a great job there, Elliot.

[41:05] Thanks, I did.

[41:06] I give you two fangs out of two fangs.

[41:09] Thanks, that's the highest rating.

[41:11] Yeah, well, unless they've got multiple heads.

[41:15] So here I'm going to say the main problems with the movie.

[41:17] One, super boring.

[41:19] Only two scenes I enjoyed, which was too scarifying for you.

[41:22] It was way too scarifying.

[41:23] It was boring, because he kept looking

[41:25] at the insides of his hands.

[41:27] Yeah, my problem was that much of my chair

[41:30] went unused, because I only sat on the edge.

[41:34] But there's two scenes that I enjoyed.

[41:37] One, because I found it genuinely interesting when

[41:39] he talks to the old vampire.

[41:40] One, because it was super goofy, which

[41:42] was the fat fist fight scene.

[41:44] Otherwise, it was very boring, and I just

[41:46] have a real issue with the idea that there

[41:48] needs to be an origin story for Dracula.

[41:51] He's an evil, decadent prince who becomes a vampire.

[41:55] Oh, he's decadent, all right.

[41:56] I really shouldn't have any of this Dracula.

[41:58] Like, it's so bad.

[41:59] It's called Dracula by Chocolate.

[42:01] There's been a lot of chocolate talk in this episode.

[42:04] Choc-talk.

[42:05] Couch-chocula.

[42:05] The Choc-House.

[42:06] We haven't even mentioned Couch-Chocula,

[42:08] the perfect fusion of chocolate and vampire.

[42:12] He's more chocolate now than vampire.

[42:14] It's been so long to find that.

[42:15] Now, if this was Chocula Untold, I would have loved it.

[42:18] It would have been great.

[42:19] I want to know how he became what he is.

[42:20] How did he become friends with Blueberry, and Franken-

[42:24] Franken-Berry.

[42:25] And the Fruit-Brute.

[42:26] And the Yummy-Mummy.

[42:28] The Fruit-Brute is the werewolf.

[42:30] And the Yummy-Mummy.

[42:32] And what's the Hunchback of No True Breakfast?

[42:37] What about the Phantom of the Cereal Bowl?

[42:39] The creature from the Black-

[42:42] Milk Lagoon.

[42:42] The Milk Lagoon.

[42:43] Yeah, that makes sense.

[42:45] Then the Milk-A-Luna Mutant.

[42:47] Lesser known universal monster, but he's still in there.

[42:49] He's from the 50s.

[42:50] It's a later stage.

[42:51] Here's the thing.

[42:52] Dracula is not essentially interesting to me

[42:55] until he's a vampire spreading his plague of darkness

[42:58] throughout the globe.

[42:59] So it's like, I don't want to- it's the same way

[43:02] that like, I'm not interested in a movie about like,

[43:06] the young James Bond necessarily.

[43:09] I want to see a movie about James Bond having adventures.

[43:11] Yeah, you don't want to watch like Braveheart,

[43:12] but find out that Braveheart becomes

[43:14] a vampire midway through.

[43:15] Yeah.

[43:16] That's basically what this was, yeah.

[43:17] I feel like we are in Final Judgments right now.

[43:22] And I feel like Elliot is entering a writ of bad bad.

[43:26] I'd like to.

[43:26] I'd like to submit a writ of bad baditude.

[43:29] And when we were looking it up, you

[43:32] said that it was originally going to be Alex Proyas

[43:35] and Sam Worthington?

[43:36] Yeah.

[43:37] Which at least, like, I feel like Alex Proyas would

[43:39] have made it a little more interesting to watch.

[43:41] It wouldn't have been a good movie.

[43:42] No, but it would have been- it would have had more spots.

[43:44] And Sam Worthington would have been certainly just as boring

[43:46] as Luke Givens.

[43:47] That's a movie that could have been bat shit crazy.

[43:51] Oh, because of vampires.

[43:53] No, because, well, kind of.

[43:54] But the bat, anyway.

[43:55] So, but like, whereas this was just kind of dull.

[43:57] Yeah.

[43:58] There are lots of dull vampire movies.

[44:00] And I'm always surprised by it, because vampires

[44:02] are inherently interesting.

[44:04] You're talking to a guy who was wearing Dracula socks

[44:06] at work yesterday.

[44:07] It's true.

[44:08] I get a test for that.

[44:09] Vampires are- I like vampires.

[44:10] They're interesting to me.

[44:11] But apparently, it's very easy to make them boring.

[44:14] Yeah, I know.

[44:14] I just wanted to say, we were looking up the list.

[44:17] There's only been a few good Dracula movies.

[44:20] There's Dracula, the Bela Lugosi one.

[44:22] Yeah.

[44:23] There's, what is it, House of Dracula?

[44:25] Is that the Christopher Lee one?

[44:26] Horror of Dracula.

[44:27] Horror of Dracula.

[44:28] I mean, there's a lot of Christopher Lee ones.

[44:29] But the first one, Horror of Dracula, is the best of them.

[44:31] There's the two Nosferatus, the Murnau one.

[44:34] That was the sequel to Chinatown, wasn't it?

[44:36] The two Nosferatus.

[44:37] F.W. Murnau.

[44:39] And there's the Werner Herzog.

[44:40] And then, of course, Dracula and the Monster Squad.

[44:45] Those are the best movies.

[44:47] I bet there's some good ones.

[44:48] I'm going to look at them.

[44:48] Elliot still says Dracula, Dead and Loving It's on there.

[44:51] Mm-hmm.

[44:53] Only the first half, before it loses its way.

[44:56] I'm loving it, says Elliot, about Dracula, Dead and Loving It.

[45:00] That was- I remember seeing that in the theater and being so disappointed in it.

[45:04] That was Vampire in Brooklyn for me.

[45:06] But yeah, this is an attempt to be like,

[45:10] okay, how can we make Dracula like every other boring fantasy movie?

[45:16] We might as well be watching-

[45:17] The 70s Dracula is okay.

[45:19] Or Frank Langella.

[45:20] Fucking- What was the-

[45:22] We've watched so many sword and sandals things.

[45:24] This is like one of those.

[45:25] It is so by the numbers medieval sword.

[45:29] It's like somebody watched the 90s Bram Stoker's Dracula from Coppola

[45:33] and were like, you know, the most exciting part was the first five minutes of backstory.

[45:38] Let's just make a whole movie of that garbage.

[45:41] Yeah, so I think we're all bad-bads for this.

[45:44] Let's bad-bad it up.

[45:45] Bad-bad.

[45:47] Oh, and Dracula pages from a Virgin's Diary.

[45:49] There's one dance number in that that goes too long,

[45:51] but otherwise I think it's a very good movie.

[45:57] Hello, I'm Taco, the elephant magician.

[45:59] Merle Highchurch here, the master of clerical magic.

[46:03] I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter.

[46:06] Did you guys like that?

[46:07] Did you, the listener, like that?

[46:09] You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic

[46:12] where anything can happen and anything is possible.

[46:15] Hi, I'm Griffin McElroy, dungeon master for The Adventure Zone,

[46:18] a new podcast on Maximum Fun in which magic and mystery intertwine

[46:22] for a very erotically charged role-playing experience.

[46:25] You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximumFun.org or iTunes.

[46:29] It's for Dungeons and Dragons, but with family.

[46:32] But we do have a sponsor for tonight, and for that,

[46:37] I cede the microphone and the floor to one Stuart Wellington.

[46:42] Hey, guys, my name's Stuart Wellington.

[46:44] You know, coming up, we got a little thing called Mother's Day.

[46:49] That's going to be coming up on May 10th.

[46:51] Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Mothers.

[46:54] Yep, I think that's perfect Spanish, Shelley.

[46:57] Um, so I think right now is a great time for you

[47:00] to hit up our friends over at ProFlowers.com

[47:04] and, uh, and order some flowers for your mom.

[47:07] They're offering, uh, Flophouse listeners 100 blooms

[47:11] and a free glass vase for only $19.99.

[47:14] All you have to do is go over to their website,

[47:17] and, uh, which is ProFlowers.com,

[47:19] and there's a, in the top right corner,

[47:21] there's going to be a little blue microphone.

[47:23] You're going to move your little mouse thing over there.

[47:25] You're going to click on it.

[47:26] And then the mouse thing, when mouse is just the word.

[47:30] And then a little, a little blurb is going to open up,

[47:32] and then you're going to type in with your fingers.

[47:34] You're going to type in the word Flophouse.

[47:36] Now that's going to give you that deal.

[47:37] And that's one word, Flophouse.

[47:39] Do not put a space in there,

[47:41] even though we put a space in there for our title,

[47:44] for the code, the coupon code.

[47:46] It's one word, Flophouse.

[47:48] So I think on Mother's Day,

[47:50] you want to get a phone call from your mom that says,

[47:52] are you apologizing for something?

[47:55] Do you have some splaying to do?

[47:56] And your response is,

[47:58] no, I just got you flowers because I love you, mom.

[48:01] That is the best.

[48:02] So do right by your mother.

[48:04] Do right by America.

[48:07] And the Flophouse.

[48:08] Definitely do right.

[48:09] It's a great character.

[48:11] And order some flowers from ProFlowers.

[48:13] There's also chocolates you can get through there.

[48:15] I think they're associated with Sherry's Berries.

[48:17] Yeah, and it's just a good gift for Mother's Day,

[48:21] for any day.

[48:22] Because you know what?

[48:23] Every day is Mother's Day at ProFlowers.

[48:27] I mean, factually inaccurate, but in our hearts, it's true.

[48:31] So that's ProFlowers.com, blue microphone,

[48:34] type Flophouse, all one word.

[48:35] All one word.

[48:37] You'll be helping support us,

[48:38] and you'll be helping support moms.

[48:41] And if you have issues with your mom,

[48:43] don't want to send her flowers,

[48:45] send it to somebody else.

[48:46] Send it to Flophouse.

[48:48] There's no law that ProFlowers is only going to deliver to moms.

[48:50] ProFlowers is like, give me an address,

[48:52] I'll send them a bunch of flowers.

[48:53] That's our job.

[48:54] That's what they say.

[48:55] And we do it well.

[48:56] We're pros at flowers.

[48:58] So, ProFlowers.com.

[49:01] So, there's some Flophouse news here,

[49:05] which is that we have new merchandise available, guys.

[49:08] New merch!

[49:09] Yeah, the URL.

[49:11] Instead of having to go to like a merch table

[49:14] after a Flophouse show,

[49:15] and talk to some scuzzy dude who's like,

[49:18] hey, what do you want to buy?

[49:19] We're out of almost everything.

[49:20] I mean, probably our wives are worth the merch table then.

[49:22] Yep.

[49:23] So, scuzzy dudes.

[49:25] Now you can just go on the internet and buy them.

[49:27] Yeah.

[49:27] Now, the URL is too complex to read here.

[49:32] It's a bunch of, you know...

[49:34] Go to Dan's Twitter feed.

[49:35] No, no, here's what you do.

[49:37] Go to Flophousepodcast.com and click on the merch link.

[49:41] That'll take you right there.

[49:42] Or...

[49:42] Or go to Topotico, click on Browse by Creator,

[49:47] and click on Maximum Fun for the Maximum Fun merch store.

[49:50] Or do what I did.

[49:51] I googled Maximum Fun t-shirt.

[49:55] Sure.

[49:56] All these are fine.

[49:56] There's a link from the Maximum Fun site too.

[49:59] I mean...

[50:00] Yeah, easiest thing, go to flophousepodcast.com, click on merch, take it right there.

[50:04] While you're there, leave a comment on one of our episodes, say you guys suck or you're hilarious, who cares?

[50:09] I don't think you can do that on the site, but sure, why not?

[50:12] You can leave comments on the Flophouse site.

[50:14] Oh yeah, on the Flophouse site, not on the Tapatico merchandise site.

[50:18] Have you even tried?

[50:20] You're right, Stuart, I haven't tried.

[50:23] Don't knock it until you try it.

[50:25] There's a reason that phrase exists.

[50:27] Because you shouldn't knock on a door until you've tried the door to make sure it opens.

[50:30] Until you've eaten part of that door in a Hansel and Gretel style.

[50:35] Don't knock it until you try it is the life mission statement of Aquafan.com.

[50:41] Speaking of which, Radio Zork listeners, if you try to eat the door, A.

[50:47] First off, that's a great choice.

[50:49] If you merely lick the door to see if it's worth eating, B.

[50:53] If you try your key on the lock again, C.

[50:56] Right on in, next week we'll have the results and we'll move forward one more step in Radio Zork.

[51:00] So this new merchandise, let me paint you a picture of what's available.

[51:06] Your last one was so successful.

[51:08] You can get a Rocket Crocodile and the World of Tomorrow t-shirt.

[51:12] It looks amazing.

[51:13] From a design by fan Tristan Marsh.

[51:15] I think maybe I've seen this movie?

[51:18] Well, you couldn't because it doesn't exist and I'm making it up as I go along.

[51:22] That was for the fans.

[51:23] There is also a Wait What Come On shirt designed by my brother John.

[51:30] That would be John McCoy.

[51:31] It looks great also and of all the shirts that you're going to buy from the Flophouse,

[51:34] that's the one we'll get the least questions.

[51:36] What the hell is on your shirt?

[51:37] Yeah.

[51:38] Crossover appeal.

[51:39] Any occasion.

[51:40] Funerals, weddings, birthdays.

[51:42] Yep.

[51:43] Funeral birthdays.

[51:45] Funeral birthdays or funeral weddings for a vampire maybe or a corpse bride.

[51:50] And there's also a lovely print of Ye Olde Flophouse where I'm a ranger.

[51:55] I believe Stu is a paladin and Elliot is a bard.

[51:58] And it's suitable for framing.

[52:00] From a design by fan Mallory Quinn.

[52:02] Also looks great.

[52:03] It's all great-looking Flophouse merch.

[52:05] High quality, high standards.

[52:07] And I noticed that some of the stuff is already running low because of orders.

[52:11] So it's at order now.

[52:12] Yeah.

[52:13] I mean they're pretty good at replenishing things.

[52:15] But yeah, if you don't want to delay, order now.

[52:18] If you're tired of having to go to the laundry all the time, buy seven of these shirts.

[52:22] Yeah.

[52:23] You'll be good for a week.

[52:24] Yep.

[52:25] Right on the tag.

[52:26] Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

[52:27] Yep.

[52:28] You can maybe take some of those.

[52:29] No, you do it like this.

[52:30] Like Apollonian Godfather.

[52:31] Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

[52:34] Yeah.

[52:35] That's my favorite way to say the days of the week.

[52:36] You can take a couple of those big dogs t-shirts out of rotation.

[52:39] Yeah.

[52:40] Get rid of your co-ed naked lacrosse shirt.

[52:43] Put in a Flophouse shirt.

[52:45] Yeah.

[52:47] Your wardrobe will thank you.

[52:48] I also want to plug that I forgot to mention this last week.

[52:52] I have a piece, a humor piece, in the geek humor comic series The Devastator.

[52:58] Devastator.

[53:00] It's sort of like a cooler and less well-paying mad magazine.

[53:03] Okay.

[53:04] And you can go to DevastatorPress.com slash horror because it is an all horror themed issue.

[53:13] And you can get for $10 a physical copy of this, $3 a digital download.

[53:18] And you can also just search for Devastator and the horror issue of Devastator on Amazon.

[53:23] Can I –

[53:24] Yeah.

[53:25] I know that you probably also have a –

[53:26] Can I plug something?

[53:27] Plug it.

[53:28] I'd like to plug – the day we're recording this, so you'll be hearing it a couple days after it happens,

[53:32] the final issue of my run of Spider-Man and the X-Men, which I think is the final issue of the series too it turns out,

[53:39] issue number six is out in stores, wraps up the series, wraps up a real dream come true product,

[53:45] project for me, getting to work with these characters.

[53:49] Dan, you should queue up End of the Road to play right now by Boyz II Men.

[53:54] Or meet you at the Crossroads by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

[53:57] It's just Crossroads.

[53:58] To the end of the road.

[54:03] Now, it's bittersweet saying goodbye to these characters, but I hope people enjoy the wrap-up to the series.

[54:08] So pick up all six issues.

[54:10] They'll be collected in a trade I think this summer, but if you can't wait that long, pick up the issues.

[54:16] Number six.

[54:17] It's out now.

[54:18] Elliot's got issues.

[54:20] And you can have them too.

[54:22] Of Spider-Man and the X-Men.

[54:23] Yeah.

[54:24] And with your dad.

[54:26] Stuart, do you want to plug anything while we're at it?

[54:30] I don't think so.

[54:31] I'm opening a bar at some point.

[54:33] I'll keep you posted.

[54:35] Yeah, maybe plug that when people can go in and buy things from him.

[54:38] So now you've got to move on to letters from listeners.

[54:42] Listeners like you, perhaps.

[54:44] Oh, I got a letter.

[54:46] This just in.

[54:47] How about the presses?

[54:49] I got a letter from listener John Rivett.

[54:53] He says, my birthday is tomorrow.

[54:55] Could you guys maybe give me some B-Day props?

[54:59] Of course I can because he said B-Day instead of birthday, and that's cool.

[55:03] They're supposed to give you props just for living another year.

[55:06] So here's the bare minimum of achievement.

[55:09] You don't know what his life is like.

[55:11] He could live in a lair from a video game and there's spinning fire blades everywhere.

[55:15] He's got to jump out of the bathroom.

[55:17] I'm sorry.

[55:18] I'm sorry for making assumptions.

[55:19] So props to listener John Rivett.

[55:21] Yeah.

[55:22] Inventor of the rivet.

[55:24] I love the bolts that hold buildings together that bear your name.

[55:27] Yeah.

[55:28] So anyway, moving on.

[55:29] You hold my jeans together, you hold skyscrapers together.

[55:31] Thank you, my friend.

[55:32] Letters of the night.

[55:34] You hold my steampunk costume together.

[55:38] What sweet music they make.

[55:40] And it goes like this.

[55:44] It's nighttime now when letters come out.

[55:48] Stay inside and lock your doors unless you're ready to lead the letter life.

[55:54] Letter.

[55:56] Do you want to bang heads with me?

[55:58] Do you want to see everything?

[56:01] Whoa.

[56:02] Letter.

[56:03] Bom, bom.

[56:05] Not about to read your letter.

[56:08] But anyway, continue.

[56:10] Okay.

[56:11] This is from Kyle Lastname Withheld who writes,

[56:12] Hi, floppers.

[56:13] I'm a long-time listener and first-time writer,

[56:15] and I think I'm in need of some clarification of my status as a Flophouse fan.

[56:19] I'm the guy who put you on Entertainment Weekly's must list,

[56:22] lo, those many moons ago.

[56:24] Thank you.

[56:25] And thus thrust you to international superstardom.

[56:27] Thrust us in the must.

[56:28] We owe everything to you.

[56:30] Thank you for calling in this favor.

[56:32] Yep.

[56:33] Let the game begin.

[56:34] It's Charles Dance.

[56:35] Oh, no.

[56:36] Kyle Dance.

[56:38] But I'm also the guy who bought tickets to your last live event

[56:41] and decided to stay home and watch Ron Howard's Night Shift instead.

[56:44] Well, I mean, I can't totally fault that.

[56:46] Do those two actions cancel one another out,

[56:48] giving me neutral karma in the eyes of the house cat

[56:50] or is indulging in a Michael Keaton slash Henry Winkler slash Shelley Long sex farce,

[56:57] a crime that requires a bit more absolution?

[56:59] Wait your judgment.

[57:00] Also, arriving my review for Chappie for EW.com,

[57:03] all I could think about was,

[57:04] man, I can't wait until the Chappie episode of the Flophouse a year from now.

[57:07] Keep on flopping.

[57:08] Kyle, last name withheld.

[57:10] Now, I got to say,

[57:12] Night Shift, despite having the combined talents of Michael Keaton and Henry Winkler,

[57:18] is a pretty bad movie.

[57:19] It's very bad.

[57:20] There are barely any jokes in it.

[57:22] But here's the thing.

[57:23] The mystery of the house cat's grace is that it is not our works

[57:27] or the movies we watch that provide for our salvation,

[57:30] but in fact his own ineffable, impossible-to-understand choices.

[57:35] No, it's true.

[57:36] When I hear eyes of the house cat,

[57:37] I think of the final frame of the Michael Jackson thriller music video.

[57:41] I will say, though, in the words of the knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade,

[57:47] you chose poorly.

[57:49] Yeah, yeah.

[57:50] But thank you very much.

[57:52] And that was because he drank Coke instead of Pepsi or some shit, right?

[57:56] He got all melty?

[57:57] He drank Pepsi, crystal clear Pepsi.

[58:00] In that commercial, did somebody drink Coke and then they just melted?

[58:03] What happened in that thing?

[58:04] I don't think so.

[58:05] Because they had the commercial based on the movie, right?

[58:08] Based on the movie.

[58:10] The commercial adaption of the movie.

[58:12] I mean, Space Jam is a movie based on a commercial.

[58:15] You can go around the other way.

[58:16] Alan Dean Foster needs the work, okay?

[58:18] So thank you, though.

[58:20] It's called Splinter of a Pepsi's Eye.

[58:22] Thank you very much, Kyle, for putting us in Entertainment Weekly.

[58:25] That was a huge boost.

[58:26] It was a big boost.

[58:27] It got us into a lot of people's attention.

[58:30] Thank you.

[58:31] Moving on.

[58:32] Don't watch Night Shift again.

[58:33] Yeah, don't do it.

[58:34] Maybe watch Graveyard Shift.

[58:36] The next letter starts like this.

[58:38] Narrator.

[58:40] And little did they know that episode number 161, A Talking Cat,

[58:44] would lead to the devastation that we know it has today.

[58:47] Alluded to in the episode 160, God's Not Dead,

[58:51] the flop lights mention the new holy month, Small Timber.

[58:54] Small Timber.

[58:56] Yet their comical, canonical confusion has led to millions of dead

[59:00] and a division in the House of Flop.

[59:02] Due to the tongue-tying nature of the month's name,

[59:04] two distinct factions in Flopdom

[59:06] appear between the Tinembriums and Vimberites.

[59:10] While the puckish Brother Kalen chose to alternate between the two names,

[59:14] promished Convert Wellington chose to spite the one True McCoy,

[59:17] leaving our hosts baffled and flustered as was his way.

[59:20] Arguing over the subtleties in the sacred text is not unusual in any religion,

[59:24] but this is a truly bizarre and mildly infuriating circumstance.

[59:28] I mean, really, what's going on here?

[59:29] Mike is knocked over.

[59:30] The professor's voice fades as he walks away.

[59:32] I mean, honestly, a religion based on an adoration of bunts?

[59:35] An omnipresent, all-partying...

[59:36] Bunts?

[59:37] Bunts.

[59:38] Yeah, bunts.

[59:39] An omnipresent...

[59:40] It's because it's pretty ballsy to bunt,

[59:42] and the catcher could just pick up the ball.

[59:44] An adoration of bunts.

[59:45] You know so much about sports, Elliot.

[59:47] An omnipresent, all-partying spirit called the house cat,

[59:50] a sacred text of words that sound like other words,

[59:53] and a sacred mystery of the ding-dong, door slams.

[59:56] A scene from the episode for...

[59:57] How can a ding-dong be both ripped off and not ripped?

[1:00:00] This is the question that the text presents to us.

[1:00:03] A scene from episode 4, The Great Division of the BBC documentary...

[1:00:08] Schrodinger's Freak.

[1:00:10] Floppy, the Flop House Story.

[1:00:12] That's from Nicholas Lastnamewithheld.

[1:00:14] I guess a peek into the future of the documentary, the BBC documentary made about our podcast.

[1:00:20] I feel like Paul Atreides capturing a vision of a fatwa or a jihad in his name

[1:00:26] that scours the galaxy.

[1:00:29] Uh, yeah.

[1:00:31] I, you know.

[1:00:33] Small, small timber.

[1:00:34] Small vember.

[1:00:35] Small timber.

[1:00:36] It happens in September, but it's called small vember.

[1:00:39] Do we, whatever happened to our theme?

[1:00:40] What are we talking about?

[1:00:41] I feel like we're a third of the way through the year and we haven't done any.

[1:00:43] Well, we only have two.

[1:00:45] And they're centered around the fall.

[1:00:47] We had cagemists, small vember.

[1:00:50] Wasn't there like...

[1:00:50] There's cagemists, yeah.

[1:00:52] Some might argue Shocktober is the original.

[1:00:54] Shocktober, yeah.

[1:00:56] It's the high holy holidays of the flop house calendar.

[1:00:58] I'm like, say April when we watch vampire movies.

[1:01:01] Look, April vampires bring May champires.

[1:01:06] He's got you there.

[1:01:08] It's true, he proved me something.

[1:01:10] So, um, moving on to the last letter of the night.

[1:01:16] You just casually hit the letter.

[1:01:19] I do that every week.

[1:01:20] I'm like, ah, we're running late.

[1:01:22] Not this one.

[1:01:23] So that the listeners at home can be like, was that my letter he skipped?

[1:01:26] Who knows?

[1:01:27] You'll never know.

[1:01:28] We'll do it next week.

[1:01:29] On today's episode of The Flop House, Dan, read the letter you skipped.

[1:01:34] Greetings, floppers.

[1:01:37] My question is mostly for Stuart.

[1:01:38] Okay.

[1:01:40] So, Stuart, since you are supposedly a bartender.

[1:01:43] Supposedly.

[1:01:44] Supposedly an English speaker.

[1:01:50] Someone sidled up to your bar and said, hey, Tenderfoot, give me a Castle Freak.

[1:01:55] What would he get?

[1:01:57] Could Stuart please grace the world with the details of the preparation of the

[1:02:00] unofficial official Castle Freak cocktail?

[1:02:03] Also, maybe you guys can riff on some better names for our new favorite adult

[1:02:07] beverage.

[1:02:08] Keep on flopping.

[1:02:09] Josh, last name withheld.

[1:02:10] Don't give us homework.

[1:02:12] The first thing I do if somebody sidled up to the bar to me and said, I don't

[1:02:16] remember what he said.

[1:02:18] I'd be like, you're a fan of the show.

[1:02:20] And then I'd come around from behind the bar and I'd give you a big hug.

[1:02:23] I'd say, thanks.

[1:02:24] And a tongue kiss.

[1:02:25] I'd say, thanks for being a friend.

[1:02:27] It sounds like the signature drink for your new bar has just been introduced,

[1:02:30] the Castle Freak.

[1:02:31] What's it going to be?

[1:02:32] Oh, that's a lot of pressure.

[1:02:34] I would say it's two parts.

[1:02:38] First, I would take a Hostess Ding Dong, and I would hollow it out, and I would

[1:02:45] pour straight, I'd pour Drambuie with a drizzle of grenadine on top, and then I

[1:02:53] would serve it to you.

[1:02:54] Drambuie and grenadine?

[1:02:57] Anyway, no Kahlua in that, too, or what?

[1:03:00] I would serve it to you in a hollowed out skull.

[1:03:05] So don't order this.

[1:03:07] It's a terrible drink.

[1:03:08] I mean, it's only $20.

[1:03:11] Wow.

[1:03:13] The markup on these drinks.

[1:03:14] We're talking about fancy cocktails here, guys.

[1:03:18] This is artisanal.

[1:03:20] Yep.

[1:03:21] When I said Hostess, I meant it's a homemade Ding Dong made from a pantry in Brooklyn.

[1:03:26] Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they make it look like, the same way that there's a bakery in

[1:03:30] Park Sloper that used to be that made their own little Oreos and charged like three

[1:03:34] bucks for each of them.

[1:03:36] That's crazy.

[1:03:37] Yeah, and I never tasted one.

[1:03:39] So you don't know if it was better or worse.

[1:03:42] Yeah, they're the same.

[1:03:43] What about homemade Twinkies?

[1:03:44] How do you feel about that?

[1:03:45] I mean, I don't really care.

[1:03:47] I'm not against these things.

[1:03:49] So come back to me in a couple years.

[1:03:52] I'll tell you then.

[1:03:53] Otherwise, come to my bar.

[1:03:54] I'll give you a...

[1:03:55] You're going to spend years working in your drink lab to fine tune all the ingredients?

[1:04:00] I imagine Stuart down in the basement like, nope, that combination of alcohol exploded.

[1:04:07] Thomas Edison once said, bartending is 99% perspiration, 1% intoxication.

[1:04:15] So I hope that answers your question.

[1:04:18] It was a ludicrous question.

[1:04:20] I think Stuart gave a great answer.

[1:04:23] I was worried it was going to be like a white Russian with a torn off Ding Dong in it.

[1:04:27] That would be frightening.

[1:04:29] That would be horrible.

[1:04:31] A white Russian at night?

[1:04:34] All that milk?

[1:04:35] Yeah, that's crazy.

[1:04:36] I can't handle that much dairy.

[1:04:39] Give me the toots.

[1:04:43] Then I'll be drunk and tooting.

[1:04:47] So, final segment of the evening.

[1:04:49] We call it the toots.

[1:04:51] Yeah, what do we do now?

[1:04:53] We recommend movies that we liked.

[1:04:55] I want to recommend a little movie called Dracula Untold.

[1:04:59] Oh, wow.

[1:05:00] I turned around on it.

[1:05:04] I had some time to mull it over.

[1:05:07] I haven't seen anything recently.

[1:05:10] Well, recommend a movie from your past.

[1:05:12] You've seen thousands of movies.

[1:05:17] You must have been on a plane somewhere.

[1:05:19] You know what, I was on a train recently.

[1:05:22] Okay.

[1:05:23] Recommend a movie about a train.

[1:05:25] And to entertain myself on the train, I logged on to Hulu on my phone.

[1:05:31] It's a fascinating story.

[1:05:33] And I re-watched Donnie Brasco.

[1:05:35] Don't throw this away.

[1:05:36] Write it down and publish it.

[1:05:38] Because this is the epic quest of our times.

[1:05:40] I re-watched Donnie Brasco, which I think is a movie that...

[1:05:46] Fans review, don't forget about it.

[1:05:50] It was a critical success at the time.

[1:05:52] It got a little bit of attention.

[1:05:54] But I feel like of the gangster films, of the good gangster films out there,

[1:05:58] it's been a little forgotten.

[1:06:01] If you want to go back and watch a movie where Donnie Depp is playing a character,

[1:06:06] not like a collection of tics, it's a really good one.

[1:06:09] What's his hat look like?

[1:06:11] He has a mustache for the first part of the movie, but he shaves it pretty quickly.

[1:06:15] Similarly, if you want to see a movie where Al Pacino is playing a character

[1:06:17] and not just yelling at the top of his lungs...

[1:06:19] Again, Donnie Brasco is a good choice.

[1:06:22] It's an interesting gangster film because there is violence in it.

[1:06:27] It's a gangster movie, but mostly it's a character study.

[1:06:30] And it has a rich vein of just character comedy and dark comedy in it.

[1:06:36] And it ends up being also a very touching movie about friendship and betrayal.

[1:06:41] About a one gangster pulling himself up by his bootstraps to start a successful brass company.

[1:06:46] Donnie Brasco.

[1:06:48] Yep, that's what it's about.

[1:06:50] So see it based on Ali's description and then be surprised.

[1:06:54] Yeah, when it's much better than that.

[1:06:56] But it's a Mike Newell movie.

[1:06:58] A British director who did Four Weddings and a Funeral.

[1:07:02] That screams gangster movie.

[1:07:05] Dirty Pretty Things, I think that was him too, I'm not sure.

[1:07:08] He's a very interesting director who's had a varied career of different types of projects.

[1:07:16] And so, check it out. Donnie Brasco.

[1:07:20] Hey, Stu.

[1:07:21] Hey, what's up, Bill?

[1:07:22] You got a movie on your mind?

[1:07:23] Sure.

[1:07:24] I just watched this movie, Dracula Untold.

[1:07:27] It was the tits.

[1:07:28] Just kidding.

[1:07:30] No, I recently watched the movie Spring.

[1:07:36] Which is kind of a horror romance.

[1:07:39] It's a low budget movie.

[1:07:41] Hold on, I was wrong about Dirty Pretty Things.

[1:07:44] But he directed Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

[1:07:48] You just saved yourself many angry letters.

[1:07:51] Yeah, sorry about that. Go on.

[1:07:53] So Spring, a small budget movie about a young man who gets himself in trouble.

[1:08:02] And he goes on the run and ends up in Italy.

[1:08:06] Where he has this whirlwind romance with this great girl.

[1:08:10] But he realizes slowly that this girl is more than what she seems.

[1:08:15] She's an It Follows.

[1:08:17] Kind of.

[1:08:20] The poster of the movie is a picture of a girl with a tentacle.

[1:08:24] So you can tell there's something going on.

[1:08:26] And I've heard the movie described as a before sunset with a monster.

[1:08:31] And I think it's kind of appropriate.

[1:08:33] There is a monster in that.

[1:08:34] The natural aging process.

[1:08:37] Time is the greatest monster of all.

[1:08:40] So Spring, check it out.

[1:08:45] There's not a lot of horror romance movies out there.

[1:08:48] Possession maybe?

[1:08:50] Maybe.

[1:08:51] They're both slimy.

[1:08:53] So yeah, I'd recommend checking it out.

[1:08:56] Spring.

[1:08:57] I have a movie that I'd like to recommend.

[1:08:59] I mentioned earlier in the podcast a movie called Dracula.

[1:09:02] Pages from a Virgin's Diary.

[1:09:03] That's not the movie I'm recommending.

[1:09:05] But I am recommending a movie by the same director, Guy Madden.

[1:09:08] I'm a big fan of Guy Madden.

[1:09:09] So it's strange that there's still some holes in his...

[1:09:12] Is that the guy who does those shoes?

[1:09:13] No, that's Steve Madden, his brother.

[1:09:15] Yeah, that's his brother.

[1:09:17] The two brothers went into either women's weird shoes or Canadian art film.

[1:09:22] They each had to select a path.

[1:09:25] One chose the ball.

[1:09:26] The other chose the samurai sword.

[1:09:28] Of course, their father, John Madden, is disappointed that neither went into sports broadcasting.

[1:09:32] But I had never seen until recently Guy Madden's second movie, Archangel.

[1:09:38] And I saw it recently and really liked it a lot.

[1:09:40] If you've ever seen a Guy Madden movie, you know pretty much what kind of thing to expect.

[1:09:44] It's shot similarly to a silent film or an early 30s film.

[1:09:50] It's not silent.

[1:09:51] There's lots of sound in it, but there's also intertitles.

[1:09:54] It takes place in the city of Archangel where a Canadian...

[1:10:00] soldier who lost his leg in World War I is helping to fight off the Bolshevik

[1:10:03] Army but at least two and I think maybe three characters get amnesia in it

[1:10:09] there's a scene with that involves some ghosts there's a lot of strange things

[1:10:14] and it's kind of sad and kind of very weird and kind of funny but like any guy

[1:10:21] mad movie except for Twilight of the Ice Nymphs which is not good and is the only

[1:10:25] one of his I do not like at all like any guy mad movie it's a very unique

[1:10:30] experience it only only thing it really resembles is his other movies and I

[1:10:34] liked a lot and the whole time you're watching it you can tell this was a

[1:10:38] movie made on a very small budget that has so much imagination and so much

[1:10:43] style to it that it makes that work for it in a strange way but I really liked

[1:10:49] it a lot and it's a I found it very affecting at the end the way I didn't

[1:10:52] expect there's one scene in it with a cactus that explodes spiders onto a boy

[1:11:00] that makes no sense so just be ready for that scene and be ready for it to

[1:11:03] happen for you to be like I don't understand what just happened here you

[1:11:07] know it's like a nightmare that I would have no it's kind of funny click on the

[1:11:10] fast-forward button and then hit play no don't fast-forward just be ready to know

[1:11:14] that you're not really supposed to understand that scenes they screwed it

[1:11:16] up a little bit mm-hmm that's how spider-man so Archangel yeah not the

[1:11:27] x-men character so three great three amazing movies and nations Dan did you

[1:11:33] fall asleep and I think during our recommendations I'm zoning out I could

[1:11:38] be the smell of skunk weed that I'm getting through I feel like someone is

[1:11:44] smoking pot in the vicinity and it's coming through our Elliot's busted oh

[1:11:48] you got me actually if you noticed my voice getting worse about the podcast

[1:11:52] it's cuz I'm my allergies to your cat are acting all right well let's get you

[1:11:55] out of high pollen cat and safely and cats have pollen right you in the

[1:12:00] current let's talk to you safely in your bed at home are you gonna tuck me into

[1:12:04] my bed I'm gonna come back with your pillow my cap on you oh then you gotta

[1:12:08] walk on your bed like fucking Nemo lullaby and good night for the flop

[1:12:17] house I've been Dan McCoy and I'm Stu are dwelling to our Elliot Kaelin is my

[1:12:29] name and that's me oh good night drift to sleep and send us all your money

[1:12:59] yep we're gonna hit it and then we're gonna tires and lights and fires we

[1:13:03] gonna slap it and map it yeah grip it and rip it are we gonna slide off your

[1:13:10] body creep it and beep it I'm Cameron Esposito I'm Rhea butcher I am Ricky

[1:13:18] Carmona and we are the cast members what I don't know podcastiness of a pal

[1:13:25] that's an action sci-fi movie podcast you can find on maximum fun org or on

[1:13:30] iTunes and what do we do news reviews and things you can use tons of things

[1:13:34] we can use we break it down so it can forever be broken

[1:13:38] hilarious jokes plus sometimes there's a dog in the studio and there's a dog here

[1:13:42] we'll see you in your ear buds

The Flop House: Episode #177 - Dracula: Untold

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