Ep. #181 - Jupiter Ascending

Dan McCoy

[0:00] Tonight we watched Jupiter Ascending, the story of a dogman and a lady who loved him.

[0:06] Spoiler alert, they fall in love.

[0:09] And she controls bees.

[0:30] Hey everyone, and welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy.

[0:41] Hey guys, it's me, Stuart, that guy from the Flophouse.

Elliott Kalan

[0:46] And your last name?

[0:47] Wellington.

[0:48] And it's me, Elliot Kalin, bon vivant, man about town, star of stage, screen, and screen stage.

Dan McCoy

[0:56] Stuart, I enjoyed that you identified yourself from the thing that they're listening to right now.

[1:01] You might remember me from such podcasts as this one, which you downloaded.

[1:07] I channeled some Troy McClure there, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[1:08] Welcome to the Flophouse, I'm Stuart Wellington, parentheses, the Flophouse.

Stuart Wellington

[1:13] I don't have that many credits, guys.

Elliott Kalan

[1:15] Yeah, that's how they list them backstage.

[1:18] How are you going to buy stuff at the Star Wars store?

[1:20] You're all adding credits.

Stuart Wellington

[1:21] Modest space credits? I don't know.

[1:23] I'll have to melt a hundred people down into a brick of space juice?

Dan McCoy

[1:27] Yeah, to have your youth liquid to exchange for moon bucks.

[1:32] Well, thanks for the primer on the exchange rates in space.

Stuart Wellington

[1:36] For the bathory emulsion, or whatever they call it.

Elliott Kalan

[1:39] The bathory emulsion.

[1:41] This will all make sense later, folks.

[1:42] Dan, explain what this podcast does.

[1:44] This podcast is...

Dan McCoy

[1:46] Comes out of your music player.

[1:47] Functionally, what it does is we talk about a bad movie.

[1:52] Functionally, what it does is it gives you something to listen to while you're cleaning your house.

[1:56] Sure.

[1:57] Or...

[1:58] Filing a tax return?

[1:59] Yeah.

[2:00] On the subway, jogging.

[2:02] Don't file a tax return on the subway.

[2:04] That's sensitive information.

[2:05] If you have a nonsense fetish and you need something to masturbate to.

Elliott Kalan

[2:09] You're jerking it.

[2:09] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[2:10] The thing is, I was thinking about the same thing.

[2:13] So we're brothers in stupid perversion.

[2:16] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[2:17] Stupid perversion would be a pretty funny movie.

[2:21] It's like a dumb and dumber porno.

Dan McCoy

[2:23] Yeah.

[2:23] There's a guy who's really into clown shoes.

[2:27] He's got a clown shoe fetish.

[2:28] Oh, they're just dumb perversions.

Elliott Kalan

[2:30] Yeah.

[2:30] Not clowns, just the shoes, please.

Stuart Wellington

[2:33] I guess that's better than just dumb guys who are perverts.

[2:35] Because I think a lot of the internet's filled with those guys.

Elliott Kalan

[2:38] I'm really into sea anemones that have been dipped in red paint.

[2:42] What is sexy about that?

[2:44] I don't know.

[2:44] Blame my family.

[2:45] It just does it for me.

[2:47] It's just something I'm really into.

[2:48] It's the way I'm wired, I guess.

[2:49] I saw something when I was a kid and that was it.

[2:52] I was masturbating once when a bat flew through the window.

[2:55] Ever since I've had to dress up like a bat to get off.

Dan McCoy

[2:58] Sure.

[2:59] To fight crime and then jerk it over the criminals.

[3:03] Perverts are a superstitious and cowardly lot.

Stuart Wellington

[3:06] Just gets my engine going.

[3:08] I also, by the way, get turned on by the soundtrack of Real Steel.

Elliott Kalan

[3:14] I just happened to be listening to it once and it just did it for me.

Dan McCoy

[3:17] Yeah, it just clicks.

[3:18] Yeah, I just hit puberty at the exact time that Real Steel was released in the theater.

Elliott Kalan

[3:23] At the exact time that the soundtrack to Real Steel was released in stores.

Stuart Wellington

[3:27] Speaking of clicks, I get weirdly turned on by the Milo Menara comic strip, Click.

Elliott Kalan

[3:31] Which is a moronic strip.

[3:32] I guess that's not that weird.

[3:34] It's not as weird as getting turned on by like Beetle Bailey.

[3:36] Although even then.

[3:37] I was totally assuming you were going to say Beetle Bailey.

[3:40] Let's say Fred Bassett.

[3:42] We're getting turned on by High and Lois.

[3:45] Let me tell you.

[3:47] Lois, she really settled into married life.

Dan McCoy

[3:50] So did High.

[3:53] That's McElf, a mother from comics I'd like to find.

[3:57] I'm in character right now, guys.

[4:00] I'm not speaking.

[4:00] In character as what?

[4:01] I'm not speaking.

[4:02] Dan McCoy, the weirdo?

[4:04] I'm speaking as a guy who gets off on High and Lois.

Elliott Kalan

[4:07] Oh, I see.

[4:08] Yeah.

[4:08] Oh, man.

[4:09] What if Lois was with the mom from Marvin?

[4:13] Oh, boy.

[4:14] Sure.

[4:15] Maybe Mrs. Lockhorn could get into this?

Stuart Wellington

[4:18] I have a weird thing for Rose from Rose is Rose.

Elliott Kalan

[4:21] Well, Rose is a little girl.

Stuart Wellington

[4:23] Wait, Rose is the girl?

[4:24] I thought she was the mom.

Elliott Kalan

[4:25] I thought the mom had a different name.

[4:27] Is Rose the mom?

[4:28] Dan, explain.

[4:30] I thought Rose was the girl.

[4:31] We need to get Sly Lockhorn.

Dan McCoy

[4:31] I know that every once in a while the mom imagines she's a biker lady.

[4:37] Yeah, she has a Rose tattoo when that happens.

[4:39] So maybe she's Rose.

[4:40] Oh, like a play of the same name.

[4:42] Yeah, Angry Anderson.

Elliott Kalan

[4:44] Is that a Tennessee Williams play, the Rose Tattoo?

[4:46] You're thinking of a streetcar named Rose from Golden Girls.

[4:48] Okay.

Dan McCoy

[4:50] So we said this was a movie podcast.

[4:52] Did we say this?

[4:53] It's actually a gibberish podcast.

[4:55] Yeah.

[4:55] But eventually we get around to movies.

Elliott Kalan

[4:56] Which we'll do tonight.

[4:58] And the movie is?

Dan McCoy

[4:59] Jupiter Ascending.

[5:01] Starring Channing Tatum.

[5:03] And.

[5:04] Lila Kunis.

[5:05] And.

[5:06] Eddie Redmayne.

[5:07] And.

[5:08] Sean Bean.

[5:09] And.

[5:10] That lady from Orphan Black.

[5:12] And.

Stuart Wellington

[5:13] Bunch of squid guys.

[5:14] And.

[5:15] That lady from Luther.

[5:16] And.

[5:17] One of the gargoyles from TV's Gargoyles.

[5:19] And.

[5:20] Um.

[5:21] Uh.

[5:22] Jupiter?

[5:23] And.

[5:25] Uh.

[5:25] The guy who plays Howard Stark's butler on, uh.

[5:28] Agent Carter.

[5:29] Agent Carter.

[5:29] I did it.

Dan McCoy

[5:30] And.

[5:31] Um.

[5:32] Fuck.

[5:33] And.

Stuart Wellington

[5:34] Uh.

[5:35] I think there's a surprising lack of fucking in this movie.

[5:38] Yeah.

[5:38] Not that surprising, I guess.

Elliott Kalan

[5:39] And I think you're both forgetting the true star of the movie.

[5:40] A lady's butt was in it?

[5:42] There isn't one scene where you see a lady's butt.

[5:44] The true star of the film.

[5:45] A pair of humble rocket shoes.

[5:47] That's right.

[5:48] Which steal the show by being used in every action scene.

[5:51] Saves the day.

[5:52] Now when Rocket Crocodile wear these shoes.

[5:54] Rocket Crocodile has a jet pack.

[5:56] But maybe he has shoes as a backup.

Stuart Wellington

[5:58] Rocket Crocodile watching this movie would be totally, uh.

[6:02] Confused as to who to root for.

[6:03] Should it.

[6:04] Should he be, uh.

[6:05] Rooting for the flying dinosaur men.

[6:06] Yeah.

[6:06] Or the rocket shoes.

[6:08] I gotta say.

Dan McCoy

[6:08] If I'm imagining a Rocket Crocodile movie.

[6:11] It's basically this movie.

[6:11] You are imagining it because it doesn't exist.

[6:13] It's basically this movie.

[6:15] Only not boring.

[6:16] Like if there's a not boring version of this movie.

Elliott Kalan

[6:18] Like a lot more nudity.

[6:20] And I believe I said that Danzig did the whole score.

Dan McCoy

[6:22] Yeah.

[6:22] But.

[6:23] So it's like heavy metal crossed with this movie.

[6:24] Which is already kind of heavy metal-y.

Elliott Kalan

[6:27] Yeah.

[6:27] Well this movie is kind of like.

[6:28] It's like.

[6:29] Here's what this movie is.

[6:31] I think one of you guys.

[6:31] I think maybe it was Stuart.

[6:33] Compared it to the fifth element.

[6:35] Yep.

[6:35] Which it is.

[6:36] It's like the fifth element.

[6:37] This is more like the third element.

[6:38] And very like.

[6:39] If someone read a lot of like Larry Niven novels.

[6:42] And like.

[6:43] Cordwinter Smith.

[6:44] David Niven.

[6:45] Mentality of mankind stories.

[6:47] And like.

[6:48] Smashed them all together.

[6:49] And like.

[6:49] Then watched Flash Gordon the movie.

[6:51] And was like.

[6:51] Oh I'll just do that.

[6:52] Yeah.

[6:52] Like.

[6:53] It's a.

[6:53] It's a very.

[6:54] It's this is a.

[6:55] This is a science fiction.

[6:57] Space opera.

[6:59] Campy movie.

[7:00] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[7:01] So.

[7:02] Let's.

[7:03] Let's summarize this whole big old plot of it.

[7:05] Let's summarize.

[7:05] Proust guys.

Elliott Kalan

[7:07] Well.

[7:08] Proust did his first book.

[7:09] Wrote about.

[7:10] Proust did his first book.

[7:11] Wrote about.

[7:12] Wrote about.

[7:12] He wrote.

[7:13] Oh time's up.

[7:13] Remember that bit.

[7:14] It's the bit you were just talking about.

[7:16] So we.

[7:17] So the movie begins.

Stuart Wellington

[7:19] Things get off to a good start with a voiceover.

Elliott Kalan

[7:20] Yeah.

[7:21] Because you know a movie is going to be good.

[7:23] When a character starts explaining who they are to you in voiceover.

[7:26] We know that Mila Kunis is a.

[7:29] She's a young lady.

[7:30] Who is the daughter of.

[7:32] A Russian woman and an English astronomer.

[7:34] Mm hmm.

[7:35] One day when her mother was pregnant.

[7:36] Out of nowhere.

[7:37] As I guess happens all the time in Russia.

[7:39] A bunch of hoodlums.

[7:40] Burst into their apartment.

[7:42] Violent goons.

[7:42] Stole a telescope and a computer and some money.

[7:45] And shot the father.

Dan McCoy

[7:46] And shot.

[7:47] You know.

[7:48] The elder.

[7:49] Wait.

[7:50] No.

[7:50] Hold on.

[7:51] The butler from the elder Tony Stark.

[7:52] Exactly.

[7:53] And the mother.

Stuart Wellington

[7:54] And you think he might pull of the crow later on.

[7:57] But he doesn't.

[7:57] He's dead.

Dan McCoy

[7:58] Yeah.

[7:59] The original Jarvis is gone.

[8:00] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[8:01] And he.

[8:02] So.

[8:03] She illegal immigrates to America in a shipping container that is left open.

[8:07] I guess they can get lovely sea breezes on the crate ship.

[8:11] And Mila Kunis is born in that shipping crate.

[8:15] She returns.

[8:16] They arrive.

[8:16] And I guess they have some cousins who live in Chicago.

[8:19] And they are.

Stuart Wellington

[8:20] It's like she's born and immediately is a commodity, Elliot.

[8:23] That's what that represents.

[8:25] Wow.

[8:26] Yeah.

[8:26] Continue.

Elliott Kalan

[8:27] That's deep.

[8:28] She cut ahead to.

[8:30] We are now on an alien planet somewhere that looks like Frank Gary designed all the buildings.

[8:34] There's blue sand.

[8:35] And there's three evil space siblings.

[8:38] Eddie Redmayne.

[8:39] This lady.

[8:40] And this other dude.

[8:41] A couple of space downtown Abbey's.

[8:43] Yeah.

[8:43] Who basically.

[8:44] Their names are Balaam, Calique, and Titus.

[8:46] And they're talking about how they should inherit this thing.

[8:51] And they inherited different planets from their mom.

[8:53] And Balaam got Jupiter.

[8:55] And Titus got something else.

[8:57] And they want Earth.

[9:00] Earth is the thing that they want.

[9:02] And it's.

[9:03] We find out later.

[9:04] I'm not going to.

[9:04] I'm not going to do what the movie does, which is like.

[9:07] Make you know it.

[9:08] You know exactly what this movie is about.

[9:10] But they wait a long time to confirm it.

[9:12] But they own planets and they harvest the planets by killing everybody on it and turning them into like.

[9:19] Youth fluid.

[9:20] Which they then bathe in and it makes them young.

[9:22] And they.

[9:23] There's.

[9:23] Like Stewart said.

[9:24] While we're watching.

[9:24] They have a bunch of Lazarus pits.

Dan McCoy

[9:26] Now let's.

[9:26] I mean.

[9:26] Let's back up and say that this is a movie directed by the Wachowski siblings.

[9:30] So they're basically.

[9:32] Recycling the.

[9:33] Humans as batteries.

[9:35] Idea from their Matrix films.

[9:37] And let me tell you.

[9:37] But humans as.

[9:38] Life.

[9:39] Forces.

[9:40] These batteries.

[9:41] Youth forces.

[9:42] Are not included.

[9:43] Oh boy.

Elliott Kalan

[9:44] Oh no.

Dan McCoy

[9:45] Wait a minute.

[9:45] So there aren't little burger shaped UFOs.

[9:48] No.

[9:49] Don Amici is not in it.

Elliott Kalan

[9:51] Yeah.

[9:52] They were.

[9:52] They are burger shaped I guess.

[9:53] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[9:55] Yeah.

[9:55] Well.

[9:56] They're not adorable.

Elliott Kalan

[9:56] Did they not have a scene in that where.

[9:58] Where one gets trapped between two pieces of bread and a fat man almost eats it?

[10:01] No.

[10:01] That's why I said burger.

[10:03] It's essential.

[10:04] I haven't seen that movie I think since it was in the theaters.

[10:06] They're helping.

Stuart Wellington

[10:07] This is when the one has.

[10:08] Gives birth.

[10:09] And it gives birth to like a little.

[10:10] A little baby robot.

[10:12] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:12] Like they're.

[10:13] They're helping a building not get torn down.

[10:16] So they're basically like Shabadoo whatever from Electric Boogaloo 2.

Stuart Wellington

[10:21] They're like well we could get flying alien baby burgers.

[10:25] Break into.

[10:25] I like.

[10:25] Robot burger aliens.

[10:27] Or I guess we could get a bikini car wash.

[10:30] I don't know which one would be better.

[10:31] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:31] There's all these options.

[10:32] You got aliens.

[10:33] That's the top option.

[10:35] You got bikini girls.

[10:36] You can't afford that.

Elliott Kalan

[10:37] Then you go to the second best special effect boobs.

[10:39] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[10:39] And then you got break dancing.

[10:42] And beyond that.

[10:43] I mean really you just have like a bake sale.

[10:46] That's how you save a building.

[10:47] What if you had an alien bikini break bake sale?

[10:50] Oh boy.

[10:51] I would pay upwards of.

[10:54] $50.

Elliott Kalan

[10:55] Hey man.

[10:55] What if five bucks?

[10:56] What if schools got all the money they needed and the Air Force had to have a bikini robot break bake sale.

[11:01] It really makes you think.

[11:02] To buy a bomber.

Dan McCoy

[11:03] If I could only have a bumper sticker that expresses that sentiment in some way.

Elliott Kalan

[11:07] Just go to Cafe Press and type in that and then pay me for the intellectual property rights.

[11:13] $400 please.

Dan McCoy

[11:15] Wow.

[11:16] Okay.

[11:17] It's an expensive bumper sticker but it's worth it.

[11:19] It's worth it when people see it and they go what?

Elliott Kalan

[11:22] Yeah.

[11:22] All the car crashes you're going to be starting as people look at it and then do a double take.

[11:28] Lose control of the wheel.

Dan McCoy

[11:30] I think we found our new Max Plan piece of merch actually.

Elliott Kalan

[11:33] Is that bumper sticker?

[11:35] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[11:36] Let's get it going.

[11:37] I don't even remember what they said.

[11:38] Let's get Jesse Thorne on the horn.

[11:39] Let's get it going.

Elliott Kalan

[11:40] Thorne on the horn.

[11:41] That's his new show.

[11:43] Jesse Thorne tells you about what different animal horns that he's collected during his exotic trips abroad.

Dan McCoy

[11:50] During his many years as a safari guy.

Elliott Kalan

[11:53] Yeah.

[11:54] This is either from a narwhal or it fell out of a staircase.

Dan McCoy

[11:59] Or it's a French horn.

[12:02] I shot up an orchestra.

[12:07] I don't really know horns.

[12:09] This is either a French horn or a trombone.

Elliott Kalan

[12:13] Now this is something I got in the deepest wilds of Louse.

[12:17] It's candy corn but I pronounce it candy ca horn.

[12:20] So it sounds like horn is in there.

Dan McCoy

[12:24] I'm a crazy person.

[12:26] It's me, Jesse Thorne, head of Max Fun.

[12:29] We've libeled him.

Elliott Kalan

[12:32] Yeah.

[12:32] Well, I can prove in court that he collects candy corn.

[12:35] Anyway.

[12:37] So, the movie.

[12:38] So basically it turns out.

[12:40] So anyway, there's this whole universe where humanity is actually a species that's existed for many, many millennia.

[12:48] Like a billion years.

[12:49] And they've expanded to all these different planets where they've genetically modified their own genes, I guess, so that they can live on those planets.

[12:56] But the original humans, the OHS, if you will.

[12:59] Mm-hmm.

[13:01] They are now super rich, wealthy aristocrats except there only seems to be.

[13:06] The aristocrats.

[13:09] Except there only seems to be three of them in the house of Abraxas.

[13:14] And, uh, or a brass sax.

Dan McCoy

[13:16] Wait, which one is it?

Elliott Kalan

[13:17] It's a brass sax, but I thought they were saying Abraxas, like the eye of Abraxas.

[13:20] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[13:20] It's like a big brass ax that they have on the wall.

Elliott Kalan

[13:23] Yeah, a brass ax.

Dan McCoy

[13:25] Only one.

Elliott Kalan

[13:26] Or it's a bra sax, like it's a saxophone bra.

[13:29] Oh, I thought you meant sacks of bras.

[13:31] They took the sexiest instrument and applied it to the sexiest body part, the boob, for the bra sax.

Dan McCoy

[13:38] Science has long sought the sexiest body part.

[13:42] It's what it's called.

[13:44] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[13:45] In our search for the sexiest body part, we've narrowed it down to the boob, the butt, and the nose.

[13:50] Now, we're pretty sure we can eliminate the nose.

[13:53] That might be the margin of error.

[13:55] But we need to test it.

[13:56] Also, the little fold around your mouth when you smile, how is that?

[14:02] Is that in there?

Dan McCoy

[14:02] Now, some say that the brain is the sexiest body part.

[14:05] Those people are wrong.

[14:06] Look at that brain.

[14:07] It's gross.

[14:08] It's like a big gray mush.

Elliott Kalan

[14:10] How are you going to masturbate to that?

[14:11] I don't want to.

[14:13] Now, let's show you a boob, even alone, solo.

[14:17] It's still got the stuff.

Dan McCoy

[14:18] Now, imagine a three-boobed person, as you might find in space.

Elliott Kalan

[14:22] Now, remove one of those boobs.

[14:24] Now, we're at what we call boob classic.

[14:25] Just two.

Stuart Wellington

[14:26] Three boobs.

[14:28] Why, that would imprint my brain early as a child and stay with me forever.

Dan McCoy

[14:33] Great.

[14:34] It's what we call a stupid fetish.

[14:36] Stupid perversion.

[14:37] Oh, that's right.

Elliott Kalan

[14:39] So, anyway, Mila Kunis, it is one of, is she?

Stuart Wellington

[14:45] You keep saying Kunis.

[14:47] Is it Kunis?

[14:48] Kuniform.

Elliott Kalan

[14:50] Mila Kuniform.

[14:51] I always thought it was Mila Kunis.

[14:52] I've never met her.

[14:53] She's never told me what her name is.

[14:55] Okay.

[14:55] Anyway, Mila Kunis.

[14:56] She sounds delightful.

Stuart Wellington

[14:57] Maybe there's a YouTube video of her sending her name somewhere.

Elliott Kalan

[15:00] She's living her life as a janitor.

[15:02] She, and she uses the fake name of one of her clients, who's also a friend of hers, who

[15:08] we see in her underpants.

[15:11] That's the most memorable thing about her.

[15:13] To make a plan to sell her eggs to make money to buy a telescope like her dad once had.

[15:19] But when she's at this person's house hiding in the closet, a bunch of aliens come along and try to kidnap that woman.

[15:27] And she takes a picture of it, and then they zap her with an amnesia ray, and she wakes up and thinks fine.

[15:32] She goes to the MIB-er.

[15:33] She goes to—

Dan McCoy

[15:34] I've got to say, that's like the funniest bit in the movie.

[15:37] Where she just starts taking a picture?

[15:39] Yeah, she sees aliens attacking her friend, and her immediate reaction is to hold up her iPhone and try and snap a shot.

Elliott Kalan

[15:45] It would be funny if she's trying to take a selfie where she's making a duck face with these aliens behind her.

[15:51] She goes to the clinic where she's going to sell the eggs, and it turns out, uh-oh, it's a front.

[15:57] It's a front for the aliens that were trying to get to her when they were going after that other woman.

[16:01] Luckily, she's saved by a little guy named Channing Tatum, a.k.a. Kane Wise, a dogman.

[16:09] Oh, did we mention Mila Kunis' character name is Jupiter Jones, some kind of outer space blaxploitation person?

Dan McCoy

[16:13] By the way, as far as I'm concerned, there's one Jupiter Jones, and he's the head of the three investigators,

[16:18] along with Pete Grinshaw and Bob Andrews.

[16:21] Now, if you don't know the three investigators, imagine the Hardy Boys,

[16:24] but imagine that they're imprinted by, that they are a branded Alfred Hitchcock production.

[16:32] Yeah, Brandon was involved.

[16:33] They're a branded Alfred Hitchcock thing.

[16:36] Like, Alfred Hitchcock slapped his name on a bunch of shit back in the day.

[16:40] Oh, yeah.

[16:41] Alfred Hitchcock's shit was the premier brand of shit.

[16:43] But if you enjoy...

[16:45] Alfred Hitchcock's shuttlecocks.

Elliott Kalan

[16:48] Alfred Hitchcock's hitchhiking thumb extenders.

Dan McCoy

[16:51] If you're an 11-year-old boy, I suggest that you seek out the adventures of the three investigators,

[16:57] the premier boy detectives of my youth.

[17:00] Anyway, Jupiter Jones, that's all I'm saying.

Stuart Wellington

[17:01] Yep, if you're an 11-year-old boy, go to sleep, dude.

[17:03] This show's on way too late for you.

[17:05] And it is inappropriate.

[17:06] It's a podcast.

[17:08] What?

Elliott Kalan

[17:09] We're going out live right now to America?

Dan McCoy

[17:13] Imagine.

[17:14] Imagine the terribleness if that was true.

[17:16] It would be very frightening.

Elliott Kalan

[17:17] Anyway, Jupiter is...

[17:19] We've already seen this guy fight a bunch of alien bounty hunters or whatever.

[17:24] And here's the great thing that is both...

[17:25] Here's when you know this movie is both stupid and kind of fun is that the designs for these

[17:32] characters are like if someone was doing a big-budget remake of a crappy Italian 80s science fiction

Dan McCoy

[17:40] action movie.

[17:40] Which itself is like a knockoff of a Star Wars.

Elliott Kalan

[17:43] Of a Star Wars.

[17:43] All the bad guys have like eye patches and shoulder pads and like are all like...

[17:48] Oh, eh, eh, eh.

[17:51] And there's like...

Dan McCoy

[17:53] That's a good impression of someone dubbing sound effects from Italian.

[17:57] I love that when you're dubbing like an Italian movie, they also have to dub like the non-verbal

[18:02] shit.

[18:02] Sure, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[18:03] Because then no sound was recorded on the set.

[18:05] It's not like they're dubbing it just for language.

[18:08] Like in most of the old Italian movies, they didn't record sound on set.

[18:11] So that's why even like great Italian movies have shitty voice dubbing in them.

Dan McCoy

[18:15] Oh, that's why even like movies that are in English like the Spaghetti Westerns...

Elliott Kalan

[18:19] Yeah.

[18:19] Well, that's also partly because like when they're making a lot of Spaghetti Westerns, not everyone

[18:23] in the cast spoke the same language.

[18:25] So you'd have to dub half the cast anyway.

Dan McCoy

[18:27] And their mouths were full of spaghetti the whole time.

[18:30] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[18:31] That's true.

[18:32] Because they had to carbo-load before it reshot.

[18:34] It's just the Italian way.

[18:36] Marathon filmmaking, they called it.

[18:38] Like the director's always like, mangia, mangia.

[18:41] On every set, Sergio Leone's mama was going around shoving spaghetti into Clint Eastwood's face.

[18:46] You're so thin, Clint Eastwood.

Stuart Wellington

[18:47] Clint, you got to eat.

[18:49] You're wasting away.

Elliott Kalan

[18:50] Thanks, Mama Leone.

[18:56] I'll finish this scene right now.

[18:58] No one makes a marinara like you.

[18:59] There's two kinds of men in this world.

[19:01] Those with loaded guns and those...

[19:04] Oh, excuse me.

[19:05] Who dig.

[19:07] But there's a bunch of battles between these crazy bound hunters and our male hero of the movie,

[19:14] who is kind of the Han Solo and Chewbacca combined of the film.

Dan McCoy

[19:17] Yeah, he's Barf the Mog.

Elliott Kalan

[19:19] Yeah.

[19:19] His name is Kanewise, and he is a genetically engineered man-dog soldier.

[19:23] He used to have wings, but he lost them because he went crazy and he bit somebody.

[19:27] I found the cure for wings, but he lost them.

Dan McCoy

[19:30] All right, sorry.

[19:31] I found the cure for a preacher.

[19:33] I found the cure for not flying, but I lost it.

Elliott Kalan

[19:36] Nobody found it.

[19:37] He got his wings cut off.

[19:39] Okay.

[19:39] But now he can fly even better because he's got...

[19:43] Red Bull.

[19:44] No.

[19:44] Okay.

[19:45] Because he's got...

[19:46] Rocket boots.

[19:48] That's right.

[19:50] He's got rocket shoes and he uses them all the time.

[19:54] Even when they don't really help him, he's just floating like a half an inch above the ground.

[20:00] But he's...

Stuart Wellington

[20:00] He gets captured like three or four times, and every time they're like, fuck it, just give

[20:04] him those...

[20:05] Let him keep his rocket boots.

[20:06] Let him keep...

Elliott Kalan

[20:06] It's the same way that the first time...

Stuart Wellington

[20:08] He's lost so much, you know?

Elliott Kalan

[20:09] In the first time that Spider-Man fought the Vulture in the old comics, they throw him

[20:15] in jail, and at the end there's just a shot of Vulture in jail still in his Vulture costume.

[20:19] It's like, take his flying suit away, dudes.

[20:21] What are you doing?

[20:21] Come on.

[20:22] He's just an old man.

[20:23] He's totally harmless without his Vulture suit.

[20:26] Come on.

[20:27] But they're always like, hmm, Kane Wise is the super best fighter in the universe because

[20:31] he has rocket shoes.

[20:32] Should we, you know, like impound those?

[20:35] Nah.

[20:36] Leave his rocket shoes on.

Stuart Wellington

[20:38] I heard those are a myth.

[20:39] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[20:41] And his special device that he uses to throw on things and it makes holes in them.

[20:45] Yep.

[20:46] Which I guess you would just call like a bomb in real life, but they, you know, these make

[20:49] stiff-minded holes.

[20:49] Yeah.

[20:50] So he's protected and it turns out he's a former soldier.

[20:53] He's working for Titus Abrasax.

[20:56] Abrasax?

[20:57] Titus Androgynous.

[20:58] Who is the youngest of the three siblings, I guess.

[21:02] Meanwhile, he takes, so he takes Milk Unit.

[21:05] There's a big space battle in Chicago where there's spaceships, space planes flying around

[21:09] shooting each other, piloted by naked aliens.

Dan McCoy

[21:13] And these-

[21:14] Got shot up like a bunch of transformers.

Elliott Kalan

[21:16] And these space planes like-

[21:17] Yeah, it's crazy.

[21:17] Had their wings move around in different sections and are detached and retached.

[21:21] And this fight goes on for a long time over the almost totally deserted streets of Chicago.

[21:28] This is one of America's biggest cities.

[21:30] There is nobody on the streets.

[21:33] Nothing.

[21:33] And they're blowing up buildings.

[21:34] They're flying low over the streets.

[21:36] You never see people running and going like, ah!

[21:39] It's like Chicago imposed a curfew right before-

[21:42] This movie takes place in another-

[21:44] In an alternate reality where everyone in Chicago has to be in bed like by 9.30.

Stuart Wellington

[21:48] Yep.

[21:48] They gotta get home in time to watch Friends.

Elliott Kalan

[21:51] Maybe the movie is censoring Friends Fever.

[21:53] Yeah.

[21:54] Is there anything in the movie that doesn't make it the 90s aside from her iPhone that

[21:57] she uses to take a picture with?

[21:59] Yeah.

[21:59] No.

[22:00] It's fair.

[22:00] It's probably the 90s.

[22:02] And also this being a Wachowski film, everyone looks like they just came from a rave.

[22:08] Yep.

[22:08] But, which is not to say the design in this is not bad.

[22:11] And there are a bunch of scenes in this with costumes that I would dare say are even Tarsum-ish.

[22:17] No, it's great.

[22:18] It looks like-

[22:18] In that they have real interesting designs.

Dan McCoy

[22:20] Again, like the fifth elements-

Elliott Kalan

[22:21] Not that Tarsum designed those costumes itself.

[22:23] It was that woman whose name I don't remember.

Dan McCoy

[22:24] Like the fifth element, it looks like a bunch of weird European sci-fi comics.

[22:29] Yeah.

[22:30] Which is a thing I don't love.

[22:31] It's real Moebius.

[22:32] I love their visuals.

[22:34] Their visuals are fun, even if I can't necessarily sit down and read that shit.

Stuart Wellington

[22:39] Sure, yeah.

[22:40] You're not that into the history of the Meta Barons, but you sure like looking at them.

[22:44] Yep.

Elliott Kalan

[22:45] Everything looks like Ledron drew it or painted it.

[22:49] Anybody?

[22:49] Ledron James.

[22:50] Yeah, Ledron James.

[22:53] The comic book artist turned basketball player turned comic book artist because he wasn't that good at basketball.

[23:00] So Channing Tatum takes her to a farm run by Sean Bean.

[23:04] Short straight mark.

[23:05] What kind of, as his friend, Stinger Apeni.

Stuart Wellington

[23:08] Wait, is that really?

[23:10] Apparently according to Wikipedia, his last name is Apeni.

[23:12] His name is Stinger.

[23:13] Yeah.

[23:13] And he's surrounded by beehives.

[23:15] Wait, that's what you're talking about?

Dan McCoy

[23:17] And not his name is Apeni?

[23:19] It sounds like a bee is stinging his penis.

Elliott Kalan

[23:22] Stinger Apeni.

[23:24] Maybe that's how he got his name.

[23:26] His house is covered in beehives.

[23:28] There's bees everywhere.

[23:29] And Cain and Stinger get in a fight because Stinger blames Cain for getting him into trouble.

[23:34] And I guess exiling him to Earth.

[23:36] But it turns out the bees all obey Mila Kunis' Jupiter's orders.

[23:42] Turns out that's how they know she is royalty.

[23:46] Why is that?

[23:47] She's the queen bee.

[23:47] Bees were genetically designed to recognize royalty.

[23:51] Because what other way would you have a recognizing royalty than to hope they wander into a huge bee farm and just have a cloud of bees flying around them?

[23:59] It turns out that they explain a bunch of the bullshit backstory.

[24:03] And it turns out that...

Stuart Wellington

[24:04] I mean, this movie is filled with explaining bullshit backstory.

[24:08] Yes.

[24:08] A lot of times it's delivered by aliens who are totally like, wake up, sheeple.

[24:13] People are stupid.

Elliott Kalan

[24:14] We're great.

[24:15] They're very condescending.

[24:16] Or it's delivered by Eddie Redmayne going, talking like this.

[24:20] Yeah.

[24:20] Very low.

[24:22] Like this.

[24:23] I'm a lover.

[24:24] And then I'm yelling.

[24:25] And now I'm back like this.

Dan McCoy

[24:26] Like a meatloaf song.

Elliott Kalan

[24:28] He's like a walking space meatloaf.

[24:30] Or it's delivered by Sean Bean.

[24:32] And then it sounds convincing.

Dan McCoy

[24:33] I think that's in the background of one of the scenes.

Elliott Kalan

[24:37] Yeah.

[24:37] Sean Bean actually does a pretty good job of delivering the exposition.

[24:41] But she gets captured by the bounty hunters.

[24:45] She gets taken to the palace of Calique, the sister of the siblings,

[24:49] who explains that she is the genetic reincarnation of the mother of the brass axe kids.

Dan McCoy

[24:57] A brass axe.

[24:59] Wait, did we do that again?

[25:00] You did that bit already.

[25:01] Hold on.

Elliott Kalan

[25:01] Literally, we talked about brass axe.

Dan McCoy

[25:03] What about a brass ass?

[25:05] Is that a thing?

Elliott Kalan

[25:05] No.

[25:06] Not.

[25:07] I mean, there's brass statues that have asses, I'm guessing.

Dan McCoy

[25:10] This shows how much I forget what we do on the podcast.

[25:13] Literally, within the course of one podcast.

[25:16] I forget what we've said already.

Elliott Kalan

[25:17] Yes.

[25:18] It doesn't help that you've had how many beers?

Dan McCoy

[25:20] Shut up.

[25:21] Whoa, dude.

[25:22] Take it fucking easy, mom.

Elliott Kalan

[25:25] I'm your mother, guys.

[25:26] And I care about you.

[25:27] Just because I'm a guy who's younger than both of you doesn't mean I'm not your mom.

Stuart Wellington

[25:32] That checks out.

[25:34] Man or monster.

[25:35] That's what mom stands for.

[25:37] And I think you're a monster.

Elliott Kalan

[25:39] Oh, man.

[25:40] Anyway, there's a whole bunch of stuff.

[25:43] She gets rescued by this spaceship that I'm not sure.

[25:47] They're like space police or something.

[25:48] I don't really get why they're helping her out.

[25:51] But it's this spaceship that, and let's get one thing straight.

[25:54] This movie is full of crazy aliens.

[25:56] And until they start explaining the backstory, they're just throwing crazy alien designs.

[26:00] You have one after the other.

[26:01] There's these luchador doombot guards, and there's flying dragon men.

[26:07] There's elephant faces.

[26:08] There's squid faces.

[26:09] There's rat faces.

[26:11] There's all sorts of crazy stuff.

[26:13] And this would be a more fun movie if it was just different aliens walking on screen and just introducing themselves and then leaving.

[26:20] Yeah.

[26:21] Because here in the ship, they've got—

Dan McCoy

[26:22] Like a weird Saturday Night Live sketch.

[26:25] Yeah.

[26:26] But it's just aliens.

[26:27] Just aliens ringing the doorbell, walking in, saying a lie.

Elliott Kalan

[26:30] There's one woman who's an alien who just has huge ears.

[26:33] There's another guy.

[26:34] There's a bunch of aliens with huge ears.

[26:35] I think there's a race of them.

[26:36] But her only alien character trick is that she has these enormous ears.

[26:40] There's these guys who have just little bits of metal stuck to their faces.

[26:45] There's this woman who looks like this fed kavodka robot.

[26:48] There's a couple of those.

[26:49] There's so much.

[26:50] Like, the designers on this went crazy.

[26:52] And there is no unifying aesthetic whatsoever.

[26:56] There's like—some of it looks like it's taking place in Firefly.

[26:59] Sometimes it looks like it's taking place in Ender's Game.

[27:03] Yeah.

[27:03] Sometimes it looks like it's taking—

[27:04] Some of it's like an anime.

[27:05] Sometimes it looks like, yeah.

[27:06] An anime like Macross or some crap.

[27:08] Or Robotech.

Stuart Wellington

[27:09] It totally looks like fucking Macross.

Elliott Kalan

[27:11] There's a bunch of Gundams flying around.

Stuart Wellington

[27:13] Yeah, I expected the bad guys to blow up the good guys using some kind of pop song weapon thing like in Macross.

Elliott Kalan

[27:22] Yeah, sometimes they're in Rivendell.

[27:24] Like, there's all sorts of places.

Dan McCoy

[27:25] And there's a long scene that is explicitly a reference to Brazil because Terry Gilliam literally shows up at the end of it.

[27:32] For no reason.

Elliott Kalan

[27:33] They take her—okay, now they take her to prove that she's a queen and get the title for it, that she's royalty,

[27:39] which is a long sequence that's a satire on bureaucracy.

[27:42] They've got to get all this paperwork all over the place led by some robot.

[27:46] And then it ends with Terry Gilliam literally giving them the title.

[27:49] And then she makes a reference to how they need a 23B stroke 6—that's the right one, right?

[27:56] Yeah.

[27:57] —form.

[27:58] And it's like—it's like they hired somebody else to direct the movie for a scene,

[28:03] and they brought in someone who's just like super goofy to do it.

Dan McCoy

[28:06] The thing is, we all talked about how that probably is the most entertaining scene in the movie.

[28:11] It just feels like it's from a different movie.

Elliott Kalan

[28:13] Well, the tone—I wish this movie—the tone of this movie was like sillier.

[28:16] It's a pretty silly movie.

[28:17] Yeah, more like The Helmet.

[28:18] Yeah, kind of.

[28:20] But like the soundtrack is always like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[28:25] And every time you see a planet or a ship or whatever, the movie stops for a moment.

[28:32] Because they're like, you're going to be pretty blown away by this.

Dan McCoy

[28:35] Gaze upon my works, audience.

Elliott Kalan

[28:37] Yeah.

[28:37] Well, that's the thing.

[28:38] And despair.

[28:39] Like it acts like we've never seen spaceships or robots or whatever in a movie.

[28:44] And like we're going to be super blown away by the stuff that we've seen before.

Dan McCoy

[28:48] But also any movie where a dog man is protecting the cleaning lady queen of the universe should not take itself this seriously.

Elliott Kalan

[28:55] And I think at times they are trying not to take themselves too seriously.

[28:58] Like they are aiming, I think, for the kind of pulp fun that like Star Wars provides.

[29:03] Sure.

[29:04] But there's still something about them that has to be like cool, you know?

[29:08] Like maybe they're trying for the kind of thing they had with like Speed Racer, I guess.

[29:13] Sing your daddy's fifth element.

Dan McCoy

[29:14] That's exactly what I was about to say, which is like Speed Racer was another movie that was savaged by critics.

[29:22] But I really thought Speed Racer was kind of brilliant in its own way because the thing about Speed Racer is it was just super hyper crazy.

[29:31] Like they were throwing everything at the screen.

[29:34] And I can understand how that would not.

[29:35] So were the critics.

[29:37] I can understand how that.

[29:38] Rotten tomatoes, shoes.

[29:40] But that's the sort of thing that is not going to work for everybody.

[29:43] Some people are going to be like this is hyperactive.

[29:45] I don't like it.

[29:45] I'm not into it.

[29:47] But at least it moved.

[29:49] It moved quickly.

[29:50] And this film slows down for such long periods of just like people standing and trading exposition.

Elliott Kalan

[29:57] But even the action sequences are really confusing and not well choreographed.

[30:02] And a lot of like one of the problems with when your spaceships are always changing shape is like it makes it that much harder to see what's going on and figure out what's happening.

[30:11] And the effects are so cartoony that like the characters just don't look like they're all on the same plane of reality and things like that.

[30:20] Like some effects in it work really well.

[30:23] Some don't work that well.

[30:25] And unfortunately in the big action sequences like geography is just thrown right out of the window.

[30:29] You don't know where people are.

[30:30] Suddenly someone will be falling down a hole.

[30:32] Suddenly someone will be exploding.

[30:34] Someone will be flying through a thing and there's something smashing over there.

[30:37] And like you're up too close to really tell what it is.

[30:40] And then like a lizard monster is just watching and not taking part.

[30:43] And then there's like an exploding sun or something like that.

[30:46] And then a thing falls through a grav dome.

[30:49] Like you know it's.

Stuart Wellington

[30:50] No you're right.

[30:51] Too often the action sequences fall into the trap of just like forward forward forward not enough setup.

[30:59] So you don't really understand the environment that well.

[31:02] Yeah.

[31:03] You don't understand the stakes of it.

Elliott Kalan

[31:05] Now just to make a long story short.

[31:07] Titus shows up again.

[31:08] He kidnaps Jupiter.

[31:10] He almost tricks her into marrying him because she is gullible.

[31:14] But Dog Band comes back and saves her at the last minute.

[31:18] They go and they confront Eddie Redmayne who was the real big bad.

[31:22] Who and they.

[31:24] No.

[31:25] Oh no that's not what it is.

[31:25] They go back home.

[31:27] Eddie Redmayne has kidnapped her family.

[31:31] The sister just kind of disappears from the movie.

[31:33] And Titus disappears from the movie too.

[31:35] I mean it's like.

Dan McCoy

[31:36] She's gotten out of a bath with her butt showing.

[31:39] Like her purposes at that point.

Elliott Kalan

[31:41] But it's weird because you'd think these are these three feuding siblings.

[31:44] Who I guess in theory would be having like Machiavellian schemes against each other.

[31:49] And Jupiter Jones is what they need because she has inherited the earth.

[31:52] Because she's the genetic reproduction.

[31:54] Because she's the meek.

[31:54] Of the queen.

Dan McCoy

[31:55] Yeah.

[31:55] Because they should have named her Meek Jones.

Elliott Kalan

[31:59] But like.

[32:00] Once she's out of the clutches of one sibling.

[32:03] They don't show up again.

[32:04] It's set up in a very like.

[32:07] Quest style I guess.

[32:08] Where it's just the what.

[32:09] And now the adventure of Kalik's palace.

[32:12] And then there was the adventure of the.

[32:13] Of the woeful wedding.

[32:15] And now the adventure of the blowing up Jupiter place.

[32:18] Like.

[32:19] That's.

[32:19] They don't.

[32:20] You want these characters to be like.

[32:23] Double crossing each other.

[32:24] And coming back again.

[32:25] But instead.

[32:26] I guess maybe it's a more innocent storytelling structure.

[32:29] But anyway.

[32:30] It's picaresque.

[32:31] They go back home.

[32:32] Yeah.

[32:33] It's.

Stuart Wellington

[32:33] Is he using that right Elliot?

Elliott Kalan

[32:35] Yeah.

[32:36] Basically.

[32:36] Yeah.

[32:36] Kind of.

[32:37] Like just.

[32:37] Going from one place to another.

[32:39] Yeah.

[32:39] It's an episodic structure.

[32:41] Okay.

[32:42] Eddie Redmayne has kidnapped her family.

[32:44] And he says.

[32:44] Give me the title deed to the earth.

[32:47] Or else I'll kill your family.

[32:48] And she knows he wants to harvest the earth.

[32:50] And use it to make youth juice.

[32:52] But.

[32:52] She totally.

[32:54] Almost does it.

[32:54] Slam it now.

[32:55] It takes so long for her to realize.

[32:57] Like.

[32:58] If I save my family.

[33:00] Billions of people will die.

[33:02] Like it takes her a long time to get this.

Dan McCoy

[33:04] A shocking amount of time.

Elliott Kalan

[33:05] And maybe.

[33:06] And like I want to believe that the character is just being cunning.

[33:08] And like tricking him into bringing her to where he.

[33:11] She wants to be.

[33:12] But no.

[33:13] It seems like she doesn't realize it to the last minute.

Dan McCoy

[33:15] She's just now remembering that she watched Star Trek 2.

[33:18] And she's like.

[33:18] Oh.

[33:18] The needs of the many.

[33:19] Outweigh the needs of the few.

Elliott Kalan

[33:21] That's what Spock was saying.

[33:22] Or like when she's about to marry Titus.

[33:24] Like she agrees to do it really fast.

[33:26] And then.

[33:28] She's like.

[33:30] Should I not marry you?

[33:32] Maybe you're not honest.

[33:35] It's.

[33:35] She's a very.

[33:36] She's not the brightest bulb in the bunch.

[33:38] Yeah.

[33:39] Which is too bad because.

[33:40] Nor does she have rocket boots.

[33:42] She does also.

[33:42] But here's the thing.

[33:43] I know.

[33:43] Like a real hero.

[33:44] This movie has found a following among like female science fiction fans of a certain type.

[33:49] And it means I wish there was a stronger female character at the heart of it.

[33:53] Because even though she's technically the hero.

[33:55] Until the end when she is hitting Eddie Redmayne with a pipe while he lies down on the.

[34:00] Lays down on the.

[34:00] When he's already down on the ground.

Stuart Wellington

[34:02] Her Mike Hagar moment.

Elliott Kalan

[34:03] Like up to that moment she's doing a lot of like bumbling into trouble.

[34:07] And then Channing Tatum saves her basically.

Stuart Wellington

[34:10] Well and she like actively pursues Channing Tatum from a very early point in the movie.

[34:17] Well why not?

Elliott Kalan

[34:18] Come on.

[34:18] She sees him with his shirt off.

[34:19] He's got dog ears.

[34:20] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[34:20] She can only assume he's got some kind of weird doggy lipstick penis.

[34:23] He's going to have sex with her in a certain style.

[34:26] That would be horrible.

[34:27] She wouldn't be into that.

Elliott Kalan

[34:29] She's got one of those stupid perversions.

Stuart Wellington

[34:31] Dogs don't have a corkscrew penis.

Elliott Kalan

[34:32] No ducks do.

[34:33] It sounds like dogs.

[34:35] Like dog tails.

[34:36] Yeah.

[34:36] That's why.

[34:38] It's where it's the beagle ducks or the duck boys.

[34:42] The duck boys in Beagletown.

[34:44] Okay.

[34:44] Beagleburg.

[34:45] It's a reverse of duck tails that I'm working on called dog tails.

[34:49] Yeah.

[34:50] Is that the opposite of ducks?

[34:51] Dogs?

[34:52] It is according to fucking Carl Barks.

[34:54] I didn't invent it.

[34:55] They're not the opposite.

Dan McCoy

[34:57] They coexist.

[34:58] Ducks are good.

[34:58] Mostly in harmony.

[35:00] Beagle or back.

[35:01] Beagle.

[35:01] What?

Elliott Kalan

[35:02] They're all literally ducks.

[35:04] Dogs.

[35:05] There's a lot.

[35:05] They could have been like the bandit bats or something like that.

[35:09] Too hard to draw.

[35:10] What about the thief thanatopsises?

[35:13] And they're all William Cullen Bryant poems.

[35:16] The stealing studefakers.

[35:20] Studefakers.

[35:21] So.

[35:22] So.

Elliott Kalan

[35:22] But I wish that.

[35:23] I wish Jupiter Jones was like smarter and stronger basically.

[35:27] And it wasn't so much like.

[35:29] Yeah.

[35:29] I'm going to do this.

[35:30] Wait.

[35:31] That was a bad idea.

[35:32] I hope rocket boots dog face comes in.

[35:35] But.

[35:35] And she falls in love with him pretty quick.

[35:37] But he's like.

[35:38] No.

[35:38] You're royalty.

[35:39] And I'm just a splice.

[35:40] I've been genetically modified.

[35:42] This is terrible.

[35:42] But they get over that pretty quick.

[35:44] Anyway.

[35:45] At the end.

[35:46] She's on Jupiter.

[35:47] He comes and saves her.

[35:48] By like smashing his ship through the dome of the gravity place.

[35:52] That makes everything go boom a lot.

[35:54] And there's a big explosions and stuff.

[35:56] And they escape.

[35:57] And Eddie Redmayne falls down the pit to nothingness forever.

[36:00] And at the end of it.

[36:02] They've used alien technology to wipe everyone's memories.

[36:05] Yeah.

[36:06] Except for Jupiter Jones.

[36:07] She's back to being a humble janitor.

[36:09] Who's also queen of the earth.

[36:11] Her family gives her a telescope as a present.

[36:13] And she has managed to get dog face.

[36:15] His wings back.

[36:16] And so.

[36:17] So he's a bird dog.

[36:18] And since he doesn't need wings anymore.

[36:20] Guess what he gives to Jupiter Jones?

[36:23] And they fly over.

[36:25] Now she's a threat.

[36:26] They fly over the Chicago skyline.

[36:29] Lovers from space.

[36:30] Which would have been a better title than Jupiter Ascending.

[36:32] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[36:33] So.

Elliott Kalan

[36:34] So what did we like about this movie?

[36:36] I liked a lot of the design elements.

[36:37] I liked the rocket boots.

[36:39] The costumes.

Stuart Wellington

[36:39] The.

[36:40] I actually don't mind.

[36:41] Like I kind of like the background.

[36:44] I just felt like they came up with a background.

[36:46] And didn't make a movie.

[36:47] Yes.

[36:48] To go along.

[36:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[36:49] The ideas in the story are good.

[36:52] They seem like a solid foundation for.

[36:55] A video game series.

Elliott Kalan

[36:57] I mean there's something about.

[36:59] Humanity.

[37:00] Like Earth has one outpost of this larger empire.

[37:03] Where they.

[37:05] Where they.

[37:06] In their quest for immortality.

[37:08] They've lost all sense of morality.

[37:09] And they kill millions.

[37:11] To keep themselves alive longer.

[37:13] But it's all like.

[37:15] They keep talking about it.

[37:16] In cap.

[37:17] Like market capitalist terms.

[37:18] But we never see it.

[37:19] As a market.

[37:20] Like.

[37:20] We never see them.

[37:22] Really like.

[37:23] Buying or selling the youth juice.

[37:24] Trading human futures.

[37:25] The only.

[37:26] Everyone.

[37:26] Yeah.

[37:27] Kind of.

[37:27] Everyone in the movie is either.

[37:29] One of these Abraxas dynasty brats.

[37:31] Or works directly for them.

[37:33] Is it.

[37:33] Or is this one ship of policemen.

[37:35] Like.

[37:36] There's not a.

[37:36] It's like they built.

[37:38] The pieces of a world.

[37:39] But then they didn't fill in the gaps.

[37:41] And that's symbolized best for me.

[37:42] By the space battle.

[37:43] Over the empty streets of Chicago.

[37:45] Mm-hmm.

[37:46] Let me tell you.

[37:46] I've walked around Chicago at night.

[37:47] There's a ton of people on the streets.

[37:49] And they are eating meat.

[37:51] Like nobody's business.

Dan McCoy

[37:52] I got this raggy guy.

[37:53] Oh.

[37:54] I've walked around the streets of Chicago.

[37:56] I have often walked.

Elliott Kalan

[37:57] Like a real big shot.

[37:58] In Chicago town.

[37:59] Yep.

[38:00] But I've never walked around it.

[38:03] Alongside a clown.

[38:05] Going into.

[38:05] Won't you come with me.

[38:07] And you'll see.

[38:09] A world of pure Chicago nation.

Dan McCoy

[38:12] There'll be blues.

[38:14] Played with electric guitars.

Elliott Kalan

[38:17] White guys singing happy blues.

[38:20] If you want to hear shitty blues.

[38:24] Chicago is the place to catch it.

Stuart Wellington

[38:27] If you want to eat.

[38:28] A dog with a sport pepper.

Elliott Kalan

[38:31] Hog butcher to the nation.

[38:34] City of big shoulders.

Dan McCoy

[38:37] Carl Sandberg everyone.

Elliott Kalan

[38:39] Let's hear it from Carl Sandberg everybody.

[38:42] This is a nightclub singer.

[38:43] Who just quotes Carl Sandberg.

Dan McCoy

[38:46] So.

[38:47] I think we're there already.

[38:48] But final judgments.

[38:49] This is a good bad movie.

[38:50] A bad bad movie.

[38:51] Or a movie.

[38:52] Who went in a fight between Carl Sandberg.

[38:52] And Andy Sandberg.

[38:55] Well.

[38:55] Andy Sandberg is still living.

[38:58] Is Carl Sandberg.

[38:59] He must be dead.

[39:00] He died a long time ago.

[39:02] Can he kill a skeleton?

[39:03] He was over 100 years old.

[39:06] I was just double checking.

[39:08] But I assumed he was dead.

[39:09] Yeah.

[39:10] So I believe Andy Sandberg would take a skeleton.

[39:13] And just.

[39:14] You know.

[39:14] Just throw it to the ground.

[39:16] Just jump on it.

[39:17] Shatter it.

[39:18] It would be a bunch of bone dust.

[39:19] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[39:19] Carl Sandberg died in 1967.

[39:21] All right.

[39:22] Yeah.

[39:22] Okay.

[39:23] So that's when we went.

[39:23] So final judgments.

Stuart Wellington

[39:25] Yeah.

[39:25] So Andy Sandberg.

Dan McCoy

[39:28] Andy Sandberg.

[39:29] I give this one four Sandbergs.

[39:31] Stu.

[39:32] What do you got to say about this movie?

Stuart Wellington

[39:34] Yeah.

[39:34] There's a movie that I wanted to kind of like.

[39:37] And I did not.

[39:37] I think this is a bad bad movie.

Dan McCoy

[39:40] Yeah.

[39:41] I'm with you.

[39:42] I desperately kind of liked it.

[39:43] And there's.

[39:44] I even liked.

[39:44] A lot of elements I like.

Elliott Kalan

[39:45] There are a lot of elements.

[39:46] Fifth elements even.

[39:47] Sure.

[39:48] To like in it.

[39:48] But it.

[39:49] Yeah.

[39:49] It doesn't.

Stuart Wellington

[39:50] I would.

[39:50] There's even a lot of like throwaway dialogue.

[39:52] Where they just make references to shit.

[39:54] But it just.

[39:55] It doesn't matter.

Elliott Kalan

[39:57] I will say.

[39:58] If you took this movie.

[39:59] And you cut out most of the plot.

[40:01] And it was just scene after scene of craziness.

[40:04] It would be a better movie.

[40:05] I will say.

Stuart Wellington

[40:06] Well if you just give it a simpler plot.

[40:07] With more interesting characters.

[40:09] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[40:09] If you don't introduce a flying.

[40:11] A race of flying lizard men.

[40:13] Uh huh.

[40:13] And then don't actually show them fighting anybody.

[40:16] Until the very end of the movie.

[40:18] But there's little touches in it.

[40:19] Like the bad guy.

[40:20] Eddie Redmayne has this torture bed.

[40:22] That's just like.

[40:22] A ton of little.

[40:24] Spinning knives.

[40:25] And things that come at your face.

[40:26] Like some kind of evil dentist chair.

[40:28] Like if there's more stuff.

[40:29] Like that.

[40:29] Yeah.

[40:30] Well you said.

[40:30] Like that over the top.

Dan McCoy

[40:31] The suicide booth from Futurama.

Elliott Kalan

[40:33] Yeah.

[40:34] It's like.

[40:34] I wish it was more over the.

[40:36] It feels like.

[40:37] They wanted to make a really over the top.

[40:39] Science fiction movie.

[40:39] But they kept like.

[40:41] Reining it in for fear.

[40:42] That it would seem.

[40:43] Too silly.

[40:45] And I wish they'd embrace the silly of it more.

Dan McCoy

[40:48] Yeah.

[40:48] This could have been a really great.

[40:49] Silly.

[40:50] Sci-fi movie.

[40:51] And they just.

[40:52] I'll say this.

Elliott Kalan

[40:53] For me this.

[40:54] This hovers around.

[40:55] Good bad territory.

[40:57] But not quite.

S4

[41:01] I listen to.

[41:05] Bullseye.

[41:06] For the moment.

[41:07] When Jesse asks an artist.

[41:08] An insightful question.

[41:09] And the artist goes.

[41:11] Oh.

[41:12] Huh.

[41:13] And pauses.

[41:15] And you can hear in the pause.

[41:17] That he is reassessing.

[41:18] His own work.

[41:20] In light of the question.

[41:21] That Jesse just asked.

S5

[41:22] Bullseye is your guide.

[41:23] To what's good.

[41:24] From MaximumFun.org.

[41:25] And NPR.

Dan McCoy

[41:31] This episode of the Flophouse.

[41:33] Is sponsored in part.

[41:35] By Squarespace.

Elliott Kalan

[41:36] By the Blu-ray release of Jupiter Ascending.

[41:38] Oh.

[41:39] Squarespace.

Dan McCoy

[41:40] Yeah.

[41:40] The Flophouse is brought to you by.

[41:43] The all-in-one.

[41:44] Website platform.

[41:46] Squarespace sites look professionally designed.

[41:48] Regardless of your skill level.

[41:50] With no coding required.

[41:51] You do not need to know.

[41:53] HTML.

[41:53] That's convenient.

Stuart Wellington

[41:54] Because I'm probably going to use Squarespace.

[41:55] When I set up the web page.

[41:57] For my new bar that's coming out.

[41:58] Oh.

[41:59] Double plug.

[42:00] Double.

Elliott Kalan

[42:00] The official website creation place.

[42:04] Of Stuart Wellington's bar.

Dan McCoy

[42:05] Of the hinterlands.

[42:06] Hey.

[42:07] Spoiler alert.

[42:08] You can start your free trial today.

[42:10] With no credit card required.

[42:12] At Spare.

Elliott Kalan

[42:14] Spare.

[42:14] Wow.

[42:15] Wow.

[42:16] Mess up the name of the sponsor Dan.

[42:18] Let's.

[42:19] Yeah.

[42:20] Let's take that from one.

[42:21] Because Spare Squace is a word.

[42:23] Let's.

[42:23] Let's think about it.

[42:24] Do you have any Spare Squace?

[42:25] Hey guys.

[42:26] Do you have too much Squace lying around?

[42:28] And you want to donate to a good cause?

[42:29] Go to Spare Squace.

[42:30] Hey guys.

Stuart Wellington

[42:31] I forgot my Squace at home.

[42:33] And we're about to go into battle against these lizard aliens.

Elliott Kalan

[42:36] Can you Spare some?

[42:37] The only weakness is Valerian Squace.

[42:41] Valerian Squace?

[42:42] The rarest.

Dan McCoy

[42:44] Let's rewind a little.

Elliott Kalan

[42:45] Let's rewind?

[42:47] Let's put another rind on this.

[42:49] Because I assume it's some kind of melon or perhaps a cheese.

Dan McCoy

[42:53] You can start your free trial today.

[42:57] At Squarespace.

[42:57] With no credit card required.

Elliott Kalan

[43:00] So let me get this straight.

[43:01] I don't need to know how to code and I don't need a credit card.

[43:03] No.

[43:03] And I can still set up a website?

Dan McCoy

[43:05] Yeah.

[43:05] At Squarespace.com.

[43:07] And you can use the offer code FLOP to get 10% off your first purchase.

[43:15] Build it beautiful.

[43:17] I like to believe that the slogan is build it beautiful.

[43:20] Like come up beautiful.

[43:21] Build it beautiful.

[43:22] Yeah.

[43:23] Humphrey Bogart says it.

[43:25] Beautiful.

[43:25] Build it.

[43:26] But this episode of the Flophouse is also supported in part by.

[43:30] How are we going to mangle this one?

[43:31] Casper.

[43:32] An online retailer.

[43:34] A ghost.

[43:34] Who's your friend?

[43:35] An online retailer of premium obsessively engineered mattresses for a fraction of the price.

[43:43] And I appreciate that because I bought.

[43:45] You like doing it on mattresses.

[43:47] No.

[43:48] I've bought mattresses before.

Elliott Kalan

[43:49] As opposed to cardboard boxes.

Dan McCoy

[43:51] Mattresses.

[43:51] Hey dude.

[43:52] Sometimes you have to.

[43:53] Mattresses are not cheap my friend.

[43:55] No.

Elliott Kalan

[43:55] Mattresses are not cheap and it's easy to get a bad one if you don't know where you're

[43:58] going.

Dan McCoy

[43:58] So try Casper which has a risk free trial and return policy.

[44:03] You can try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns.

[44:11] Flophouse listeners can get $50 toward any mattress purchase.

[44:15] You can go to casper.com slash flop and use promo code flop at checkout.

[44:22] Terms and conditions apply.

[44:24] You know.

[44:25] Like they do.

[44:26] Here's what I want.

[44:27] Most offers terms and conditions apply.

Elliott Kalan

[44:29] Here's what I want the Flophouse fans to do.

[44:31] One.

[44:32] Go to Casper.

[44:32] Get a new mattress.

[44:33] Two.

[44:33] Go to Squarespace.

[44:34] Set up a website about your new great mattress.

[44:36] Treat yourself.

[44:37] Yeah.

[44:38] Three.

[44:39] Also put some Flophouse stuff on that website.

[44:41] Mm-hmm.

[44:42] Four.

[44:43] Get a Casper mattress for someone you love.

[44:45] Five.

[44:45] Set up a new website.

[44:47] Use Squarespace.

[44:48] Six.

[44:49] What's six?

[44:50] Repeat.

Stuart Wellington

[44:51] Buy a ticket to see stupid perversions.

[44:53] Coming this fall.

Dan McCoy

[44:54] So now we move on.

[44:59] To what?

[44:59] To a very popular segment of this podcast.

[45:04] Recommendations.

[45:05] No.

[45:06] That's the least popular one.

[45:07] You always skip ahead.

[45:09] It's letters from listeners.

[45:11] Hey, Stuart.

Elliott Kalan

[45:12] Oh, boy.

[45:12] Don't skip so fast.

[45:15] Elliot.

[45:15] Let's make it last.

[45:18] Elliot.

[45:18] It's letter time.

[45:21] Letter time for us.

[45:24] It's our time for letters.

[45:26] Our time to read them.

[45:28] Our time to need them.

[45:30] Our time to need them.

[45:31] With a K this time.

[45:33] Like, do.

[45:34] Oh, no.

[45:36] The letters.

[45:37] Here they go.

[45:39] From Dan's mouth.

[45:41] To your house.

[45:44] Also, other things that rhyme with that.

Dan McCoy

[45:47] In so many episodes.

[45:49] It's the first time I've seen Elliot struggle for a rhyme.

[45:52] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[45:52] Well, usually I rhyme the same exact words.

Dan McCoy

[45:54] I went off the reservation.

[45:55] Even an internal rhyme usually he has.

[45:58] But this time.

[45:59] An internal rhyme.

[45:59] Texas and taxes.

[46:01] Kaelin over here.

[46:04] Maybe I want to do some free verse songs.

[46:07] This is more of a letter song slam.

Elliott Kalan

[46:10] Look, if the guy in the luminaires can rhyme canal and Chinatown.

[46:15] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[46:15] I can do whatever.

[46:16] Yeah.

[46:17] If Madonna can rhyme.

[46:18] Come on.

[46:19] Come on.

[46:19] Let's get to it.

[46:20] Strike a pose.

[46:20] There's nothing to it.

[46:22] Vogue.

[46:23] I think that you can do whatever the fuck you want at that point.

[46:26] Yeah.

[46:27] She broke songwriting.

Stuart Wellington

[46:28] That's what my poetry teacher told me.

Dan McCoy

[46:32] Madonna really opened the door.

[46:34] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[46:35] Letter number one.

[46:37] Oh, boy.

[46:37] Time to have some fun with letter number one.

[46:43] We're almost done with the song about letter number one for you and you and you.

[46:49] It's the first, the best, or the worst.

[46:51] It's first.

[46:53] Okay.

[46:56] Break it down now.

[46:59] Okay, fellas, here it goes.

[47:02] Let's keep on our toes.

[47:04] Let's get things done.

[47:06] Break down over.

[47:07] Back to the regular song.

[47:10] And here's the bridge.

[47:11] What's going on?

Dan McCoy

[47:12] Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

[47:14] I'm just going to check my phone.

[47:16] Checking your phone.

Elliott Kalan

[47:17] Let out a moan.

[47:18] I guess I have some emails to say.

[47:20] We're all grown up.

Dan McCoy

[47:23] Okay, it's done.

[47:24] All right.

Elliott Kalan

[47:25] Tons of fun.

[47:26] Oh, Jesus.

[47:27] Number one.

[47:28] God damn it.

[47:29] Number one.

Dan McCoy

[47:30] Normally I'm faking being annoyed, but now.

[47:32] Anyway.

[47:33] Take it easy, dude.

[47:34] All right.

[47:35] Let's go into the first letter.

Elliott Kalan

[47:36] Hey, relax.

Dan McCoy

[47:39] A bra sax.

[47:41] This is from Henry, last name withheld.

[47:44] Portrait of a serial killer is his last name.

[47:46] I was listening to my favorite podcast, The Flophouse, when I was struck with an idea.

[47:50] Thanks, Henry.

[47:51] The hosts are so talented, and the show's premise.

[47:54] Oh, Jesus.

[47:54] I'm blushing.

[47:55] The show's premise so compelling that the show should, nay must, be adapted to the medium

[48:02] to which The Flophouse has devoted itself.

[48:05] I present to you.

[48:05] Does it work?

[48:06] Flophouse, the Broadway musical.

[48:09] Oh, no.

[48:10] The curtains open on Dan alone in his squalid tenement apartment.

Stuart Wellington

[48:14] Dan alone.

Dan McCoy

[48:16] This awful movie will never end.

[48:20] If only I could watch it with my only friends.

[48:24] A hip-hop beat kicks in, and Stu and Elliot rappel down onto the couch while spitting rhymes.

[48:30] Now I'm very busy, and I don't have time to write the rest.

[48:33] I'll let you guys take care of the details and wrap it up.

Elliott Kalan

[48:36] I think that's how Stephen Sondheim does his shows.

[48:39] Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd, and then there's some more after that, et cetera.

Dan McCoy

[48:44] We'll split the money 60-40, and you can divvy up your 40% however you like.

[48:48] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.

[48:50] You should probably give Elliot less, since she's smaller and doesn't need to eat as much.

[48:55] Sincerely, Henry Lest.

[48:56] I eat way more than you guys.

[48:56] Yeah, that's terrifying.

[48:57] You've seen him devour a Popeye's dinner.

[49:01] Imagine a velociraptor.

[49:04] Sure.

[49:05] With a thirst for chicken.

Elliott Kalan

[49:06] A velociraptor who has forgotten his table manners.

[49:10] Thank you.

[49:11] And maybe he was hit on the head with a brick.

[49:12] That's me eating the chicken.

[49:14] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[49:15] I like this idea.

[49:16] Flop!

[49:16] Exclamation point.

[49:18] Yeah.

[49:18] On Broadway.

[49:19] Yeah.

[49:20] Starring, I don't know.

[49:21] A tits-up toast-haven review.

[49:24] Who?

[49:25] Who's going to play you, Dan?

Elliott Kalan

[49:26] Yeah, who would stars?

[49:27] Well, Michael Cerveris.

[49:27] Fucking Dwayne The Rock Johnson.

[49:29] Who do you think?

[49:29] I'm guessing for you.

[49:30] Michael Cerveris.

Dan McCoy

[49:31] Leo.

[49:32] Norbert Leo Butts.

Elliott Kalan

[49:33] Actually, you know what would be Norbert Leo Butts?

[49:35] For Stu, I'm thinking Hugh Jackman.

[49:38] Okay.

[49:39] Yeah, I think that's a book.

[49:39] Hugh Jackman.

[49:40] And for me...

[49:42] Wallachon should be available.

Stuart Wellington

[49:46] Wow.

[49:48] Wow.

Elliott Kalan

[49:48] Not even a musical performer.

[49:53] I'm going to say...

[49:55] Who's the lead singer of some band?

[50:01] Who could make his Broadway debut?

[50:02] Some Jimmy band?

[50:03] Yeah.

Stuart Wellington

[50:03] What the fuck?

[50:05] Oh, so what you're saying is that you would have to be played by a guy who's famous in

[50:09] other things, and that he would bring a non-Broadway crowd to the flop show.

[50:13] Exactly.

[50:14] That's what I'm saying.

[50:14] Okay, that makes sense.

Elliott Kalan

[50:15] I guess Hugh Jackman does that.

Stuart Wellington

[50:16] So like one of those Hootie and the Blowfish films.

[50:19] Yeah.

[50:20] Blowshits.

Elliott Kalan

[50:21] Hootie and the Blowfish.

[50:22] That was their original name.

[50:23] And playing me the entire band, Hootie and the Blowfish.

Stuart Wellington

[50:26] One of those John Poppers.

[50:28] Yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[50:28] Playing me John Poppers harmonica.

Dan McCoy

[50:33] So this next letter.

Elliott Kalan

[50:34] No, no.

[50:35] I would be played by a kid.

[50:36] Everyone knows that.

Dan McCoy

[50:37] Yeah.

[50:37] You could be played by that.

Elliott Kalan

[50:39] Jake Lloyd.

[50:39] Is Jake Lloyd available?

[50:40] Jake Lloyd was just arrested, wasn't he?

Stuart Wellington

[50:42] You'll be played...

[50:43] A kid can get arrested.

[50:44] No, he's a grown man now.

[50:45] I watch Problem Child.

[50:46] You're played...

Dan McCoy

[50:47] You're played by that fun house...

[50:50] Fun home kid, even though she's a lady.

Elliott Kalan

[50:52] I could totally be played by a lady.

[50:54] Yeah.

[50:54] Definitely.

Dan McCoy

[50:55] Yeah.

[50:55] Well, it's gender blank casting.

Elliott Kalan

[50:58] Gender blank casting?

[50:59] Yeah.

[51:00] Fill in the blank with the gender.

Dan McCoy

[51:01] Junior blank casting.

[51:03] Dear Robert J. Floppenheibers.

[51:06] J. Robert Floppenheibers.

[51:07] Supplos.

[51:08] Supplos.

Elliott Kalan

[51:09] Supplos.

Dan McCoy

[51:10] Supplos, if you will.

Elliott Kalan

[51:12] Dan, I think...

[51:12] Is it time for you to hand over the letter reading duties?

Dan McCoy

[51:16] I think that...

[51:17] Ten strikes and you're out, Elliot.

[51:20] I think that the joy that you get from this sort of thing says, no, it's not.

Elliott Kalan

[51:25] Now I'm starting to worry about your health.

Dan McCoy

[51:27] I said...

[51:27] I went through the whole first letter, which is very long.

[51:30] It's true.

[51:31] Without any...

Elliott Kalan

[51:32] Who could read two letters in a row?

[51:33] You didn't have to rewrite at all.

Dan McCoy

[51:35] Suppose a deranged millionaire offered you each $7,000 to write a screenplay for...

[51:41] That's not very much.

[51:42] You're a millionaire?

Elliott Kalan

[51:45] I'm a deranged millionaire, but I'm also a cheapskate.

Stuart Wellington

[51:50] Weirdly lucid about my finances.

Dan McCoy

[51:53] It's a Scrooge McDuck figure.

[51:55] Doesn't want to pay too much.

[51:57] Suppose a deranged millionaire offered you each $7,000 to write a screenplay for a sports movie.

[52:04] Mary Floppen's Steve last name withheld.

[52:06] So I think that we were supposed to...

Elliott Kalan

[52:08] There was no question there.

Dan McCoy

[52:11] Spin out.

[52:13] As non-sports people, what our sports movie might be.

[52:16] Well, mine would be about curling.

[52:18] Because I did it once.

[52:19] Oh, you stole it.

[52:20] Stole it from what?

Elliott Kalan

[52:21] Have you ever curled?

[52:22] No, but I...

[52:23] Wait, you were going to say curling?

[52:25] Yeah.

[52:26] Oh, weird.

[52:27] Well, as someone who has curled, I'm going to take it.

[52:30] And it would be called Curl It Up.

[52:34] And it would be about...

[52:35] It's basically Major League, but for curling, right?

[52:37] No, it's Step Up, but for curling.

[52:39] Oh.

[52:41] So there's like a girl who's like a real prissy curler, and then there's a guy from the streets

[52:46] curling.

[52:46] And they have to get together to do a curling team that wins.

[52:49] Yeah.

Dan McCoy

[52:50] Now, I remember that when I was in Little League, the big attraction...

[52:55] The kids' version of Major League.

[52:56] Yeah.

[52:57] The big attraction for me as a junior baseball player...

[53:03] By the way, my specialty was getting walked.

[53:05] Because I knew that no one at that age was a good pitcher.

[53:10] So I'm just like, I'm just going to stand here, and I am going to get walked.

[53:13] I'm just going to stand right in front of the catcher.

[53:15] It worked every time.

[53:19] So the main attraction for me...

Elliott Kalan

[53:21] I like the thing that you were really cocky about it as a kid, too.

[53:23] You'd get hit, and you'd walk, and you'd be like...

[53:25] That's a different thing, getting hit.

[53:27] Yeah, he wasn't getting hit by the pitch.

[53:28] I wasn't leaning in.

[53:30] It's funnier to me if you lean and get hit.

[53:32] All right.

[53:32] Or they'd throw four balls, and you'd walk, and then you'd just be like doing finger guns

[53:36] at the pitcher.

[53:37] Just like, woo!

Stuart Wellington

[53:39] Woo!

[53:39] The opposing team coach is like, oh, shit.

Elliott Kalan

[53:41] He figured out our weakness, that we're kids and we're not good at this.

Dan McCoy

[53:44] I was like, good job, belly itcher.

[53:47] Now I'm on first base.

Elliott Kalan

[53:49] Only three more bases to go.

[53:52] One quarter of the way home.

Dan McCoy

[53:55] Yeah, so...

Elliott Kalan

[53:56] You know what?

[53:57] It represents the cycles of life in rural America, idiot.

Dan McCoy

[54:01] Hey, mom, get dinner ready.

[54:03] I'm home soon.

[54:04] You know, the story was going to go somewhere else, but now that I'm talking about it, I

[54:08] realize that it's a better sports movie.

[54:10] It's about a guy who just specializes in getting walked.

Elliott Kalan

[54:14] Yeah, Walker, Texas baseball player.

[54:16] Yeah.

[54:17] What was the story you were going to tell?

Dan McCoy

[54:19] No, I was just going to say that the main attraction to me in playing Little League was after

[54:23] every game, win or lose, we would go get snow cones.

Stuart Wellington

[54:27] So...

[54:27] I mean, you could skip it out the middle, man.

[54:30] Wow.

[54:30] The blandest of the frozen desserts.

Dan McCoy

[54:33] Like, when you're a kid, when you're a kid, snow cones are magic.

Stuart Wellington

[54:36] It's like one step up from, like, just really cold orange slices.

Elliott Kalan

[54:41] After every game, the coach would give us a handful of ice chips.

Dan McCoy

[54:46] It's like a sherbet or something.

[54:47] Who cares?

[54:48] Cool yourself down, kids.

Elliott Kalan

[54:51] You got all hot and bothered.

Dan McCoy

[54:52] Putting your mouth, rubbing on your face.

[54:55] I don't care.

Elliott Kalan

[54:55] After every game, the coach would let us stick our heads in his freezer for a couple seconds.

[55:01] And, oh, man, was it cool.

Dan McCoy

[55:04] No, but I was going to say that my sports movie would be about a lonely snow cone vendor who

[55:10] finds love.

[55:12] How is that a sports movie?

[55:15] I mean, it's ancillary to sports.

[55:19] What do you got, Stuart?

Elliott Kalan

[55:22] After every game, he'd give us a pretzel.

[55:26] Just wait between all of us.

Stuart Wellington

[55:28] I mean, I was just going to do something about a topless beach volleyball team.

Elliott Kalan

[55:32] Well, that's a great idea for a movie.

[55:35] That's a movie.

[55:38] All right.

[55:38] What would you call it?

[55:39] Bikini ball?

[55:41] Volleyball bikinis?

[55:42] I guess topless bikini volleyball.

[55:44] I think it would be Spike!

Stuart Wellington

[55:47] There's boobies.

[55:48] There's boobies.

Elliott Kalan

[55:50] There's boobies part of the title, or that's what it says on the box.

[55:53] It's called Spike in it.

[55:54] That's the subtitle.

[55:55] And then the slogan is, there's boobies.

Stuart Wellington

[55:59] You got to tell the video writers.

[56:02] That's why I need you around, Elliot.

[56:03] You jazz up my shit.

Dan McCoy

[56:06] Yeah.

[56:07] He jazzes up your shit.

[56:09] So, this next letter.

[56:11] Hey, it's the poops you don't poop.

[56:13] That's the secret of jazz.

[56:15] This next letter is titled, Elliot is an idiot.

[56:19] I take issue already.

[56:21] Thanks, David.

[56:22] Sorry if this is late, but I just wanted to say that Elliot Kalin is a moron.

[56:26] He can't tell the difference between old world monkeys and new world monkeys.

[56:30] How's this for a clue, fuckface?

[56:34] Earned.

[56:34] Very well earned.

[56:35] Old world monkeys don't have prehensile tails, and new world monkeys do.

[56:40] Also, old world monkeys live in Africa, and new world monkeys don't.

[56:45] Jesus.

[56:45] It's like he hasn't even.

[56:46] I know the difference between the old world and the new world.

[56:48] It's like he hasn't even dedicated his life to the intricacies of anthropology.

[56:52] In conclusion, Elliot sucks.

[56:54] Dan rules.

[56:55] Stuart drools, but in a sexy way, so it evens out.

[56:58] Yours and the internal brotherhood of Dan heads, Darth Conan.

[57:03] How's that?

Stuart Wellington

[57:04] So, that guy has earned his snow cone after that bird.

Elliott Kalan

[57:08] Now, yeah, yeah.

[57:09] I hope the coach took him out for it.

[57:11] For an Italian ice after that one.

[57:14] Now, here's the thing.

[57:14] I thought anthropology was the study of human civilization.

[57:18] Oh, boy.

[57:18] Darth Conan, you got burned.

[57:20] Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe it's the study of all apes or primates or what have you.

[57:24] Prime apes.

[57:25] And also, old world monkeys can live in Europe.

[57:28] They can live in Asia.

[57:28] Prime apes.

[57:31] It's not even a pun.

[57:34] Because apes are already primates.

Dan McCoy

[57:37] Whatever, idiot.

[57:38] You don't know the difference between different types of monkeys.

[57:41] I'm going to have to side with a letter writer on this one.

[57:44] I'll allow it.

[57:45] So, this last letter.

[57:48] Oh, the final letter.

[57:49] It goes like this.

[57:49] I feel like I must preface this letter.

[57:52] Nope.

[57:52] By saying that I'm neither a friend of Mads Mikkelsen, nor a drunken horse trainer.

[57:57] So, I hope this letter does not immediately disappoint.

[58:00] I'm a writer, which means I work from home while caring for my two sons.

[58:04] Three years old and 18 months.

[58:06] For a time, the youngest would only sleep when in the car.

[58:10] As a result, we took a lot of long car rides and I entertained myself by listening to podcasts.

[58:15] Yours is one of my favorites.

[58:17] Thanks, buddy.

[58:18] Thanks.

[58:18] The other day, my oldest boy was humming a song and randomly shouted,

[58:22] This is my favorite song.

[58:24] I assumed he meant a Bob Dylan tune.

[58:26] It's a current obsession of his.

[58:27] Yeah, kids love Bob Dylan.

[58:28] Oh, he does like Bob Dylan?

[58:29] Yeah, apparently.

[58:30] Or one of the many...

[58:32] I...

Elliott Kalan

[58:33] What's the...

[58:34] I...

[58:34] Never mind.

[58:35] I was trying to think of a specific band.

[58:37] I couldn't...

[58:38] Or one of the many...

[58:38] I assumed he meant CNC Music Factory.

Dan McCoy

[58:42] I assumed he meant the Miami Sound Machine.

[58:46] Or one of the many nursery rhymes we listen to together.

[58:49] But no, when I asked which song, he excitedly answered, the letter song.

[58:54] And yes, your podcast was playing at the time.

[58:58] This means two things.

[59:00] Number one...

[59:00] I've ruined his taste in music forever.

[59:02] I can no longer listen to your podcast with my three-year-old around,

[59:05] as I do not want him telling his friends about the great ding-dong ripping scene in Castle Freak.

Stuart Wellington

[59:11] Though as I...

[59:11] Yeah, because he doesn't want those kids to find...

[59:13] Oh, sorry.

[59:13] You know, you don't learn that on the streets or the playground.

Dan McCoy

[59:15] You learn it by watching Castle Freak.

[59:17] Though as I write primarily horror fiction,

[59:19] I'm sure he will eventually find Stuart Gordon's oeuvre on his own when he's much older.

[59:24] And number two, Elliot is a better singer...

Stuart Wellington

[59:26] We're getting all snippets of this guy's life.

Dan McCoy

[59:28] Elliot is a better singer.

[59:30] That's a good writer, by the way.

Stuart Wellington

[59:32] Slowly teasing it out.

Dan McCoy

[59:34] Elliot, any plans to record an album?

[59:36] I think you'd be a hit in the toddler age group.

[59:38] Thanks for a great podcast.

[59:39] Keep them coming.

[59:40] Lisa, last name with hell.

Stuart Wellington

[59:42] Wow, a real push-pull for you, this Letters Column.

[59:45] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:46] That's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster.

Dan McCoy

[59:47] You break them down and then you build them back up.

[59:49] Yeah, yeah.

Elliott Kalan

[59:49] It's the regular full metal jacket or something.

[59:52] I will say my son likes it when I sing to him, but I don't make up songs for him and I should be doing that.

[59:58] I mean, you're his dad.

Dan McCoy

[59:59] If he doesn't like it, then I feel like there's a real serious problem.

[1:00:03] I don't want my dad singing to me.

[1:00:06] You're not a babe.

[1:00:07] You're not a little...

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:08] I've been called a babe, but I need to make up more songs for him because right now I mostly sing little kid songs or...

Dan McCoy

[1:00:17] Right now you mostly sing Danzig, which is nice.

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:20] Yeah, yeah.

[1:00:20] Mother.

[1:00:22] And he goes, Mama.

[1:00:23] And I'm like, it's not...

[1:00:24] Take it easy, kid.

[1:00:25] Come on, kid.

[1:00:26] Don't step on my song here.

[1:00:27] But mostly I've been singing him lately Leatherwing Bat, the English folk song, or I guess maybe it's an American folk song that Peter and Paul and Mary have on their kids' album.

[1:00:38] It's about a bat, I assume?

[1:00:40] It's about a variety of different animals who tell you how lost loves have made them what they are today.

[1:00:48] All right.

[1:00:48] But he likes it a lot.

[1:00:49] Song I sing while I'm changing his diapers to keep him from putting his hand in his own poop.

Dan McCoy

[1:00:53] You sing that song about how Charlie gets stuck on the MTA?

Elliott Kalan

[1:00:56] Yeah, we do actually.

[1:00:57] That's a good song.

[1:00:57] We do sing on that a lot.

[1:00:59] Kid songs.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:01] Yeah.

[1:01:01] Great stuff, yeah.

[1:01:03] They grow up so fast.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:04] What songs do we sing?

[1:01:08] Oh, and Fuck Like a Beast.

[1:01:10] Yeah, yeah.

[1:01:10] That's it.

Dan McCoy

[1:01:11] So those have been letters from listeners.

[1:01:15] Oh, man.

[1:01:15] Like you.

[1:01:16] They're done?

[1:01:16] Okay.

[1:01:16] If you write letter, maybe you're one of them.

[1:01:19] I don't know.

[1:01:20] Don't corner me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:01:21] Fuck off, guy.

[1:01:23] Wow.

[1:01:24] Nobody said anything.

[1:01:26] Dan, calm down.

[1:01:27] The guy's gone.

[1:01:28] Dan, put down that broken bottle.

Stuart Wellington

[1:01:30] They're just letters.

[1:01:30] His car's gone.

[1:01:31] They just get worked up, all right?

[1:01:33] I don't want anybody looking at me funny.

[1:01:36] I heard he left town, Dan, from the local sheriff.

[1:01:39] All right.

[1:01:42] She's the sheriff?

[1:01:43] Yeah.

[1:01:44] I shot the sheriff.

[1:01:46] Really?

[1:01:46] That's why that guy's bugging you about letters, then?

Dan McCoy

[1:01:48] I left the deputy alone.

[1:01:51] Oh, okay.

[1:01:51] Yeah, because you couldn't pronounce it.

[1:01:53] Yeah.

[1:01:54] I was like, I can't pronounce it.

[1:01:55] Not worth wasting a bullet on.

[1:01:59] So this is the part of the podcast where we recommend movies that we actually liked.

[1:02:04] Okay.

[1:02:05] Unlike Jupiter Ascending.

[1:02:07] Okay.

[1:02:08] What do you got, Stuart?

Stuart Wellington

[1:02:10] I'm going to recommend a movie I swore I recommend on an earlier podcast.

[1:02:14] I swore I would never recommend.

[1:02:17] Lord God, strike me dead.

[1:02:20] Long time recommender.

[1:02:21] First time recommending this movie.

[1:02:23] Anyway, it's called The Big Chill.

[1:02:26] So there's a lot of buzz out there about a horror movie starring one of those duplasses called Creep.

[1:02:36] So I'm going to recommend it.

[1:02:37] Based on the TLC song.

[1:02:38] I got excited when I heard that because I thought they were talking about an older movie from 2004 called Creep,

[1:02:43] which I liked a lot.

[1:02:44] And I swore I recommended it, but I haven't.

[1:02:47] So I'm going to recommend it anyway.

[1:02:48] So not the duplasse one.

[1:02:50] No, I haven't watched that yet, but I want to.

[1:02:53] The one I'm recommending is called Creep.

[1:02:55] It's directed by Christopher Smith, the guy who directed previous recommendation, Black Death.

[1:03:02] Which one?

[1:03:02] And Severance.

[1:03:03] Severance, sorry.

[1:03:04] Leverage.

[1:03:05] Black Death was the movie also starring the bean machine, Sean Bean.

[1:03:10] The bean machine.

[1:03:12] And it is a Creep is a movie where Franque Potente gets harassed and stalked in the subway.

[1:03:23] By a creep.

[1:03:24] In the subway.

[1:03:25] By what seems like a normal creep.

[1:03:28] And then that normal creep totally gets murdered by an actual super underground creep.

[1:03:33] Oh.

[1:03:33] And the movie is kind of like, don't worry about it.

[1:03:36] You're watching a movie called Creep and there's a bloody subway car in it.

[1:03:39] You know it's going to be terrible.

[1:03:41] But it's kind of like the movie that I wish Midnight Meat Train had been if it hadn't had all the shitty CGI blood.

[1:03:50] I've got to say, I kind of enjoy Midnight Meat Train.

Dan McCoy

[1:03:52] That's kind of a fun movie.

[1:03:53] Yeah.

[1:03:53] It's all right.

Stuart Wellington

[1:03:55] It's not as good as Creep.

[1:03:56] So go watch Creep.

[1:03:57] No, it's not as good as Creep.

Elliott Kalan

[1:03:59] It does not live up to the title Midnight Meat Train, which is a fantastic title.

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:03] Yeah.

[1:04:03] Like there's a band called the Exploding Eye Orchestra.

[1:04:07] It's not, they're not as good as their name.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:09] We saw the trailer for Midnight Meat Train together.

[1:04:12] Yeah, before another movie.

[1:04:13] Before Rambo, I think.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:14] Yeah.

[1:04:15] I forget which one of us was like.

[1:04:16] Or Snakes on a Train or something.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:17] I was like, Snakes on a Train is a ripoff.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:20] We may both have said that.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:22] Midnight Meat Train.

[1:04:23] Yeah, I think that may have been parallel thinking.

[1:04:26] Parallel joke.

[1:04:28] I'm going to recommend two movies that you should watch instead of Jupiter Ascending.

[1:04:34] If you want campy space operas, why not make it a double feature of Flash Gordon and Barbarella?

Stuart Wellington

[1:04:43] Those are much more fun campy space operas.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:46] You don't like Barbarella?

[1:04:47] Yeah, it's all that stuff with the dolls that are trying to bite her skin off.

[1:04:51] That's genuinely terrifying.

[1:04:53] Yeah, it's too scary.

Dan McCoy

[1:04:54] So Elliot's a wuss.

[1:04:56] But the point is.

[1:04:57] Call me wuss.

Elliott Kalan

[1:04:58] If you want.

[1:04:59] There's something about the sea that commands wusses to go to it.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:03] From my book, Moby Wuss.

[1:05:04] There's just something really fun about, you know, Flash Gordon takes the same old time space opera stuff that George Lucas turned into Star Wars.

[1:05:15] But takes it more literally since Flash Gordon was an old property.

[1:05:18] And, you know, it's got a Flophouse connection since we all wrote a Flash Gordon comic.

[1:05:24] Which has recently been collected, so go buy that shit.

[1:05:27] In an omnibus.

[1:05:28] Yeah.

[1:05:29] But it's actually got a great performance by Brian Blessed in the middle of it.

[1:05:33] Sure.

[1:05:34] And if you want like a weirdly sexy campy space opera, why don't you see Barbarella?

[1:05:41] It's not weirdly sexy at all.

[1:05:43] It's just normal sexy.

Elliott Kalan

[1:05:43] Weirdly sexy about it.

[1:05:45] Jane Fonda's just taking her clothes off all the time and having sex with people.

Dan McCoy

[1:05:48] Well, but also like they put her in like an orgasmatron where someone plays the piano and she has an orgasm as a result of it.

[1:05:57] Stuart's shaking his head like totally normal sex.

[1:05:58] Seems totally normal to me.

[1:05:59] That's the way I have sex every night.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:02] I thought you were going to say, make it a double feature.

[1:06:04] Flesh Gordon and Flesh Gordon 2.

Dan McCoy

[1:06:08] But for my money, more fun, stupid science fiction movies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:06:14] Elliot.

[1:06:15] I will also recommend the movie that is kind of like what I wish Jupiter Ascending was, which is also a stupid science fiction movie that is campy at much of the time.

[1:06:25] This is a movie called The Visitor, which listeners of the Doug Loves Movies episodes that I was on may remember me talking about.

[1:06:33] It's from 1979 and through the whole movie while I was watching it, I was like, this feels like a science fiction giallo movie.

[1:06:41] Except it's got – it's set in the United States and it's got an all-American cast.

[1:06:46] The cast is like John Huston and Mel Ferrer and Glenn Ford and Shelley Winters and Lance Henriksen.

[1:06:54] Like it's all the – it's this weird cast full of people and it's a movie about a – there's a – oh, and Frank O'Neero appears in it as some kind of space Jesus.

[1:07:05] And they explain that Satan is an evil alien who was turned into a flock of birds and has scattered his descendants around the earth.

[1:07:14] And now the newest one who has his power is this evil little girl who this secret conspiracy is trying to give her a brother.

[1:07:25] And she is both evil but at times is also just kind of a girl and wants to do girl stuff like go ice skating.

[1:07:32] And there's this – and the whole time I was like this feels like an Italian movie.

[1:07:36] And it turns out everyone behind the scenes who made it was Italian.

[1:07:38] But it's got this – it keeps hovering back and forth between good bad movie and movie I kind of like where there's a bunch of really goofy scenes.

[1:07:48] And there's – a lot of it doesn't make sense.

[1:07:49] But then there are scenes that are like really ominous in a powerful way.

[1:07:54] And the soundtrack is awesome.

[1:07:55] The soundtrack is great.

[1:07:56] The soundtrack is great in it.

[1:07:57] And there are a lot of beautiful shots in it.

[1:07:59] There's this scene where there's an evil truck that's about to kidnap her mom that like –

[1:08:04] Like a Maxim Wolf drive.

[1:08:06] Kind of except the truck is full of bad people.

[1:08:08] The truck itself is – I'm sorry.

[1:08:09] The truck itself is –

[1:08:09] Doesn't have a goblin face.

[1:08:11] Has no morality.

[1:08:12] And she is wearing sunglasses in the back seat, this girl, purely so that the truck's headlights can be reflected just in one lens of the sunglasses as if she is projecting this evil force out of her eye in the form of this –

[1:08:26] And like it's a beautifully shot scene.

[1:08:29] And like the shooting in it is gorgeous a lot of the time.

[1:08:32] But then you also have Shelley Winters as this maid character who works for John Huston who is this alien god type figure who just kind of walks around all the time.

[1:08:41] John Huston is great in that movie.

[1:08:42] He spends most of the movie just walking around and looking at things.

[1:08:46] And Shelley Winters just slaps the girl at one point.

[1:08:48] Like it's super campy but yeah, the music is great in it and there's a scene set at an ice skating rink where she just kind of casually commits mayhem for no reason just because why not?

[1:08:59] She's a kid.

[1:09:00] And there was something very strong about it.

[1:09:03] There's almost no dialogue in the scene.

[1:09:04] So The Visitor, it's a weird movie.

[1:09:06] You're going to laugh at it and other times you'll be like, oh, that was neat.

[1:09:11] Sue, it sounded like you've seen this movie.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:12] Yeah, I may have – I can't remember if I recommended it.

[1:09:15] But a Flophouse listener actually – I don't remember the listener's name offhand.

[1:09:22] But was kind enough –

[1:09:23] Apologies to said listener.

[1:09:24] Apologies, please.

[1:09:25] Was kind enough to leave a copy of the Blu-ray at Charlene's for me.

[1:09:29] Oh, whoa.

[1:09:29] And I have watched it a couple times.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:31] See, and I had to record it off Turner Classic Movies like a sucker.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:34] Oh, it's great on Blu-ray, dude.

[1:09:35] It's available, I believe, on Amazon Prime right now, actually.

[1:09:38] Oh, okay.

[1:09:39] You can check it out.

Stuart Wellington

[1:09:41] It's not going to be as crisp, though.

[1:09:42] You want it crisp.

[1:09:44] Like a fresh newspaper.

[1:09:45] Like an apple.

[1:09:45] Like an apple in the fall.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:47] Yeah, a pink lady apple.

Elliott Kalan

[1:09:49] I should also mention that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Sam Peckinpah make cameos.

[1:09:52] Except Sam Peckinpah, all of his dialogue had to be re-recorded because he was super drunk.

[1:09:57] Mm-hmm.

Dan McCoy

[1:09:59] Like me.

[1:10:00] Anyway.

[1:10:00] Hello.

[1:10:01] Moving on to the final segment.

[1:10:04] Of the podcast, which is saying goodbye.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:06] Wait, I thought recommendations was the final segment.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:10] Saying goodbye.

[1:10:12] Why is it sad?

[1:10:15] Makes us remember the good times we had.

[1:10:20] Muppets Take Manhattan.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:22] Yeah.

[1:10:22] When did the Muppets Take Manhattan?

[1:10:23] How come when Elliot sings a song, he doesn't explain where the song he just sung is from?

[1:10:27] Because it's just coming from inside my head.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:30] Wait, he's been making those songs up all along?

Dan McCoy

[1:10:33] I thought those were Brill Building songs.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:36] Yeah, old Tin Pan Alley stuff.

Dan McCoy

[1:10:38] For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCoy.

[1:10:41] Hey, you know me.

Elliott Kalan

[1:10:42] I'm Stuart Bollington.

[1:10:43] He's down with OPP.

[1:10:45] Hey, girl.

[1:10:45] It's Elliot Kalin saying goodbye.

[1:10:47] Good night, everyone.

[1:10:50] Explosion.

[1:10:50] Jupiter Ascended.

[1:10:52] Shh, shh, shh.

Stuart Wellington

[1:10:59] What kind of stuff do we have to do tonight?

[1:11:03] That was quite the podcast.

[1:11:06] Do you, Dan, did you remember to download those ads?

[1:11:11] And what about the letters?

[1:11:13] Did you meow-load those ads?

Dan McCoy

[1:11:16] Stuart got possessed by the ghost of not-dead singer Meatloaf.

[1:11:22] That is more of a Bob Seager thing.

Elliott Kalan

[1:11:24] Dan's got the ads to download and he's gonna read them.

[1:11:28] And then I read them right here for now.

[1:11:30] Cause he's gonna-

[1:11:30] That's Meatloaf.

[1:11:31] Yeah.

[1:11:32] You start real slow and then you go back like this for no reason.

[1:11:35] And then you're back to slow again.

[1:11:37] That's Meatloaf.

[1:11:39] I was doing that on the lunch line a couple weeks ago.

[1:11:41] Elliot, that was a Treatloaf.

[1:11:42] Thank you.

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:43] A Treat Williams, if you will.

[1:11:45] I won't.

[1:11:47] He can stay in my movie box and not in my room.

[1:11:51] What?

[1:11:52] If Treat Williams was in my room, then I would be too distracted to do anything else.

Dan McCoy

[1:11:56] Yeah, you'd want to be making out with him?

[1:11:58] Or-

Stuart Wellington

[1:11:58] I just wonder why he's there.

Dan McCoy

[1:12:00] I'd be like, shouldn't you be substituting somebody?

[1:12:04] Three.

[1:12:05] We didn't mention the rocket shoes.

[1:12:06] Two.

[1:12:07] Wait, no.

[1:12:07] Yeah, we're not gonna read two of the rocket shoes.

[1:12:10] We're gonna get into this whole thing.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:12] Tonight we watch Rocket Shoes the movie.

[1:12:15] We're gonna be walking home and be like,

[1:12:16] Doi?

[1:12:17] We forgot to talk about them rocket boots.

S5

[1:12:20] Hello, buddies.

[1:12:23] I'm Travis McElroy.

[1:12:24] And I'm Andy Bolt.

[1:12:25] And we're the hosts of Bunker Buddies.

Elliott Kalan

[1:12:27] We're a podcast where we're amateur survivalists and we talk about things like the apocalypse.

S5

[1:12:32] And we talk about zombies and preparedness.

Stuart Wellington

[1:12:34] What are you gonna wear when it's the apocalypse?

S5

[1:12:36] And you have no idea if you don't listen to our show.

[1:12:38] It comes out every Wednesdays on MaximumFun.org and on iTunes.

[1:12:42] Sometimes we try weird foods or we talk about where to camp or how to avoid getting eaten or any of these things.

[1:12:48] Yeah, so listen to us because it might just save your life.

[1:12:51] We'll see you in the bunker.

[1:12:52] Bye.

Ep. #181 - Jupiter Ascending

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